#and answering some stuff since I have an hour atm

[inthelittlewood]

Hey Martyn! So, I got into your lore because of Grian's Life Series, and now I'm just trying to find some stuff out. Anyways, I understand most of it, though I do have a couple questions.

What actually are LOOT shards/crystals? I know that they're soke aort of corruption in games of sorta, but how do they get there, how to they affect the game, and also how to disable them. It's just something I'm wondering about since I know you have to find the one piece, of treasure, but how does it actually help?

What are CHEST agents? I know that they're something almost as evil as Cruppy, which is really saying something, but what actually are they?

Are there any extra lore bits in Rats SMP that you can't get anywhere else? I just wanna know if I should grit my teeth and watch it sometime, when I'm done catching up on the VODs of Pirates (can't make it to streams for personal reasons, alas).

If you've come up with it, is there any way that the Watchers lore from the Life Series ties into the datastream hopper lore? Those two just seem a little incompatible to me - hopping the datastream, being captured by mysterious godlike entities... Or are they just two separate universes?

Do you plan on posting the New Life streams on your vods channel?

Who in Pirates is p!Martyn closest to in each faction, overall?

Also, I think you may have mentioned it on stream, but did you take the faction quiz and if so, which faction did you get? I kid you not, when I took it I got Kestrels all three times (with changing the answers to stuff that I would still do, but different than first time, I mean). Had to change it up just to see all the different faction descriptions...

Ok, I think that's it. Sorry if I have bad formatting btw, I'm typing this out on phone. Thank you for taking the time to read my questions! Absolutely love your work and lore, while at the same time having the humour some don't. Keep on doing an amazing job. Hope you find your one piece, of treasure.

Have an ice day!

That's something I want to unveil in the next lore drop, so I'm really sorry to say SoonTM but this lore doesn't have all that many secrets atm

2. C.H.E.S.T agents work are avatars controlled by human operators working for C.H.E.S.T and its evil underbelly. They're a known and trusted public computing corporation but the public doesn't know the full extent of their goals and resources

3. I try to be pretty concise and unavoidable when I do my lore stuff, so you should be able to find the Rats segments in this playlist with ease: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3MFbfp1zo8dooC57HqfbizRoc07PdlFQ

4. Maaaaaaybe, people have noticed some parallels / links and all shall be revealed one day for sure, even if I'm like gonna quit doing videos and streaming, I'd just lore dump whatever isn't revealed so it's out there ha

5. A lot of my New Life streams are me just doing the grindy parts of the SMP and with the server being somewhat inactive I want to save the crossover / collab content for the videos - I'm not sure people would flock to a 3 hour vod of me painfully and slowly building an outpost or hollowing out a mountain to make a factory ya know?

6. Kestrels - probably Sausage, with Oli as a close second. Herons - Owen or Water. Owen has an inquisitive gene like Martyn and Water likes all things musical. Nightingales - Ros is so different to Martyn that it makes for some wholesome and chaotic interations, you never know which you'll get. Kites - Bek is basically the only one he's interacted with, he had a little banter on the seas with Kuervo but it was brief

7. I did! I surprisingly got Kestrel, or I guess, not surprisingly huh?

[zombiecowboy65]

At this exact moment, I think Jeremy and Allison have similar backstories. I’m sure ill change my mind in ten minutes but what’s your Jeremy theory RIGHT NOW 👀👀

I literally had a whole essay drafted in response to this and then my app crashed. Omg. But essentially I’ve been crashing out about this for the past three hours and here is what I’ve got:

The problem with any Jeremy theory is that it has to hit several markers. For example, it has to be exy related because his sister went out of her way to forget everything about the sport, but it can't be too exy related or bad enough that Jeremy wouldn't still play. It has to have broken up the family, but it can't be too serious bc his family hasn't disowned him/he's still in the grandpa's campaign stuff/he's captain of a D1 sports team. And it has to somehow be at least indirectly his fault, but not his fault to a point of irredeemability.

One thing I noticed is that Jeremy seriously acts like a guy who had a secret blown up in his face. (Ex: constantly mentioning that he hopes he doesn’t “regret” something, the anxiety he had when he didn’t tell cat and Laila about Jean’s reaction to the pool) . And he DOES seriously push to try and help , and at some point I think he even says he wouldn’t give up bc the truth was so close he could taste it?

He also (and this could honestly just be him being quirky) has different ringtones for EVERYONE and seems to answer his phone as soon as it rings/as soon as he can. But again , this could be nothing.

Regardless, though— theory #1 is that Jeremy’s brother was maybe doing something dangerous/having a rough go of it, and Jeremy knew and kept his mouth shut? Maybe he left the brother alone and went to his exy banquet and went Mia for a bit, and the scandal was whatever he was doing/his brother’s death? And then the way it would be tied to exy is that his fam saw it as him putting the sport before family?

Obviously from there Jeremy would’ve blamed himself and his family would’ve blamed him and he would’ve spiraled and maybe became depressed/ his depression worsened, and that’s what cat meant by life changing therapy.

That’s my top theory atm.

BUT there is the concept of the title of the second book “the golden raven” which I’m 96% sure references Jean, but that other 4% makes me think about how after Jean said Jeremy wasn’t like the ravens, jeremy refuses to make eye contact and looks away. And Jean tells us , “the look wasn’t wounded, but no raven had ever looked so gutted”. So maybe I’m thinking too much into it, BUT—

Theory #2 (which I hope isn’t the case, because it’s too similar to Andrew for me) is that Jeremy was supposed to be a Raven. Then maybe whatever happened happened and Jeremy was forced to stay local? Idk how this one would work out, considering the way cat spelled it out was that Jeremy only hated his older brother, but maybe the brother was devastated that Jeremy got scouted and he didn’t so he took extreme measures? Idk . But this would be extremely exy related, and still very explicitly “Jeremy’s” fault, and why he’s so insistent that exy is “just a game”.

I’ve also seen ppl point out the cops. And tbh, at first I just wrote the them off as his step grandpa’s political influence, especially since Jeremy says there was “no reason the cops would recognize him, and little to no chance he knew them”, but I’d be willing to entertain that idea that he did something accidentally/in self defense that his missing brother took the fall for ? This of course would put heavy emphasis on the “him”, but with Nora it’s not unlikely.

So then theory #3 would be like Jeremy got in a fight or something and maybe hurt someone ? Maybe he got jumped (similar to Nicky, I know , but he is gay in 2007), and his brother got caught in the crossfire, and Jeremy blamed himself /his family blames Jeremy, and since it was an exy player that did it, also exy?

The receipts thing I don’t really see as a clue. I know a lot of ppl believe they’re tied to drugs but I don’t see how that adds up considering he’d still be missing the cash he gives to Laila and cat on the receipt? And I think honestly the hang up there is just that his mom married a rich guy and the money is his step dad’s and his step dad hates him.

Also I don’t think Jeremy is secretly violent and I certainly don’t think his backstory it’s anything like Renee, especially since he kinda blanches at everything Jean says and calls the way his Highschool team played/ confronting Bryson exhausting.

BUT, and this one’s a long shot, I have been wondering if Jeremy has two missing siblings. My literal only proof is that cat says “you’re bound to hit one or two once u pass four kids”. And she does say that Jeremy has three siblings, and Annalise says that the family split in half. But if the family truly split in half, it would be two siblings vs two siblings. And at the moment, it looks like Jeremy vs Bryson and Annalise.

Am I making sense?

And then with the repeating 5’s in this story, that would bring Jeremy’s total sibling count (including himself ) to 5. So the last theory is like maybe Bryson and Jeremy got into it and the another brother got in the middle and something went down ™️. Idk . I don’t know that we have enough clues to piece everything together, but this is where I’m at currently lol.

You’re prob regretting asking LMAO sorry!!!!!

[not-poignant]

how do you have the time to write all this stuff /and/ play video games etc etc at the same time? Is it just that you write insanely fast after all these years? I have a lot of hobbies, writing being one of them, and i have such a hard time juggling them lol.

Hi anon,

So, real talk -> The reality is I don't have the time to write and play video games at the same time most of the time.

I haven't written anything since the 17th. I haven't started the next Palmarosa chapter. I'm on day 8 of not having opened a new document and writing anything.

I've edited a whole two chapters (which I suspect I have to go over again) and I've responded to some comments and asks, and that's it. No writing, no growing wordcount, I've been stagnating / not doing anything due to burnout since the 17th (I know the date because I have a giant whiteboard of completed chapters next to me).

Honestly, most of the time I don't actually have the time to read, play video games, watch television, or movies. I am too busy writing/editing/sleeping. With Toby in the mix, the small amount of media I was consuming has vanished.

Sometimes I can play certain video games while writing - these are usually low stakes video games I can endlessly put on pause and then play for five minutes at a time, like Dorfromantik and Garden Galaxy. Any kind of idler video game, like Havendock is also good for this.

Anon, you can't have a lot of hobbies and actually keep up with them and write the way I do, and therapist/s wouldn't recommend you drop all of your hobbies to write the way I do anyway. Trust me.

I had two things I wanted to start learning this year, and I haven't started learning them yet. I don't have the capacity. I had a therapist gently point out to me that if I was always at 100 in terms of output, how can I have any energy leftover for self-work and processing? The answer is: I don't. (That's actually why I've spent a week playing video games, and if anything it's just reminded me that my capacity is still at 100 and this is going to take a bit of concerted decompression).

Most of the time it's not normally quite this overwhelming. Toby has just maxed me out because he's a high energy dog who is also a puppy with Separation Anxiety, and there's no quick or easy fix for that. But most of the time it's still very intense. The list of shows I really want to watch, and books I really want to read, is very long. But I often don't have time to indulge in those things because I'm too busy writing.

A lot of the time I don't actually have the time to reread my own fics anymore, outside of editing.

This year was meant to kind of tackle that more decisively but you know then we got a puppy so... not so much.

But yeah anon, there is no 'how do you do this and do this' - you don't do one of those things, or you do it very haphazardly, in small amounts.

I do write very fast (my wordcount is 120-150wpm), but I don't edit fast (I'd tender that editing fast for most people is a bit of an oxymoron), I don't answer asks fast (some of the longer ones take me an hour to compose), etc. And even then, writing fast is not the same as the time it takes to think out the chapter, to figure out what's happening, letting it percolate etc. A lot of my life is also just resting. I lose about 2-5 hours of every afternoon to sleep or rest for example, where nothing productive happens. And I think one of the reasons I read so many manwha atm is that they're so easy to read comparatively, and so quick, and that's the only way I can really consume stories these days.

[rosa-mae64]

'Ello my lovely people! Welcome to my blog!

Hi y'all! My name is Rosa-Mae and I am turning 21 next month (FINALLY I CAN LEGALLY DRINK LMAOOO). To give y'all a little background on me, I am a Black Trans Woman, I am of African American and Bajan descent (BARBADOS REPRESENT!!!!🇧🇧) and I use she/her pronouns exclusively! I am neurodivergent (ADHD, Autism, and Borderline) and a little lose at the mouth in more ways than one (iykwim🤭).

Now as for what this blog is about. Now the blog's main focus will be on Astrology, however I will occasionally post about tarot (and even give readings for the collective) and about other random things that may come to mind. But largely, this will be a place where I post my astrology observations in regards to placements, rulers, solar/lunar returns, astroids, degrees, and persona charts! Now I've been into astrology ever since my sophomore year in high school, and about a year and a half ago I decided to go for a deep dive into the subject, as it fascinates me! Now as I learn more about astrology, my range on the subject will increase and I'll be able to cover more topics such as decans, terms, and more! I am so excited to take this next step in my journey in learning astrology, and finally be apart of the astro/spiritual community!

Now with that out the way, here's some rules that I'm implementing to ensure everything goes smoothly on here!

THIS BLOG IS 18+!!!!! However, I am aware of minors that be lurking on people's stuff so I will say this: DO. NOT. INTERACT. AKA don't like, blaze, repost, comment, or pm me, as if I see that you're interacting with my posts and I suspect or it's confirmed that you're under the age of 18, I will block you. This blog will most likely contain NSFW posts (no, I will not be posting NSFW photos or videos, but my text posts on the other hand... Das a different story), and I am not comfortable in the slightest with y'all interacting so PLEASE respect that!

PLEASE RESPECT MY TIME AND ENERGY!!!! Ik people are gonna have questions about stuff from their own chart(s), and I would absolutely love to answer them all, but please respect that I do have a life outside of Tumblr, and may not be able to answer you right away. I will do my best to respond promptly, however There may be times that I am unable to. So I'm going to set the expectation that I will answer your message within 24 hours, and I will be answering any pm or question from the people who've been waiting the longest. So please be patient with me. Also, due to life not being stable atm, I will be sure to make a post to let y'all know that I can't answer anyone for a certain duration. If you spam me with comments, asks, or PMs, you will be blocked. Because I do not fw that at all!

This is a safe place for everyone, but especially for black queer people into astrology! No form of bigotry is allowed here, but ESPECIALLY Antiblackness and queerphobia. I will NOT tolerate that nonsense, and if you're in my comments, asks, or PMs being a bigot, YOU WILL BE REPORTED AND BLOCKED + I WILL DO A CALLOUT POST. That type of behavior has no place in my community, so do be warned.

Commissions: as of the time of this post, I am only excepting commissions for tarot readings. As for chart readings, I still need a little bit more practice in reading charts before I offer them. As for prices, well... Here's the thing. When it comes to tarot/astrology, I will NEVER set a definitive price on them. I leave that up to y'all. As in, I'm leaving the pricing up to any individual who gets a reading from me. The reason I'm doing this is bc I value the integrity of the spiritual practices, and it does not sit well with me to put a definitive price on my practice, especially with the times that we're in, people be broke! So I want to leave the pricing up to y'all, because I want y'all to pay what YOU feel like the reading is worth. Now I will offer free tarot readings only!!! However those readings will be short, and I will pull a three card spread for whatever question you may have. I will make a post specifically about commissions once I iron the details out, but all in all, I want to be as fair to y'all as possible and not deny y'all from information behind a paywall.

(Please note that rules are subject to be updated at anytime for any reasons with additions, removals, and specifications. I will make a post to let y'all know whenever the rules change so that way y'all are kept informed)

Now, I will be implementing a posting schedule. It's not currently set in stone, but once I figure it out, I'll make a post and post the link here. Now what I will say, is that my first post will be on analyzing my own birth chart and it's placements. I should be done with it at around 8pm EST but it may come more into the night. and further down the line, I'll do more specific analysis on astroids, degrees, and fixed stars in my birth chart and how it correlates to my life experiences so far. I'm so excited to share it with y'all! Also because I haven't had really anyone IRL to check and compare notes with, I am inviting more experienced astrologers to rate my analysis skills so I can determine whether or not I'm ready to read other people's charts. And for that specific post, I'm giving y'all permission to analyze my chart!🤭

*(This post will be temporarily pinned for whoever visits my blog. Once I make more posts, I will start a masterlist so that everything important can be neatly put in one post.)*

Love Y'all! 💜💜💜

[purplesurveys]

1924

survey by robotyque

RULES: For the following questions, you must answer a number in a scale from 1-10. You may add a comment/description following it. Here we go.

ON A SCALE FROM 1-10..

How exciting was your day? 10. It was actually a productive Sunday! After church we had lunch at Yabu, bought a microwave to replace our broken one, went window shopping for a new laptop and a PS5, I bought a bunchhhhhh of Me Stuff in one go (BB cream, blush, reed diffusers...you get the gist), went for a quick grocery run to get milk and also managed to take Max to the vet clinic before they closed. It was so much stuff done that I can't believe it only totaled a little over than 4,000 steps LOL

How happy do you feel right now? I want to say a 7.5. Today was well-spent and I like that my family and I got along today (we always clash after a few consecutive hours together...), but that high's coming down now because it's already 5:40 PM and the weekend will soon be over.

How clean do you feel? A healthy 9. I took a shower today and my room now smells like ocean because I have two reed diffusers going at the same time, but I just feel 'dirty' because I've still got acne on my face and I don't like that.

How full in the stomach? 7. I had a big lunch that's long settled in my stomach now, but while it doesn't feel heavy I'm also not hungry. And I doubt I'd be feeling hungry anymore for the rest of the day.

How thirsty? 1. I have a chocolate Oatside with me now that I'm sipping from every few minutes.

How bored? 1. I did so much stuff today that I have no problem just filling this out and being friends with the silence and overstimulating myself like what I'd usually look for on weekends.

How tired/sleepy? 3. I feel like I could fall into a nap if I made myself lie down, but I'm alert and awake for the most part.

How satisfied with life atm are you? 4. My job makes me MISERABLE and question my abilities and worth every single day. It's a thankless 9-5 where you can do your best and put in 150% effort but still only ever get seen and called out when you make a mistake/don't meet expectations. I know I will be happier if I set out to look for greener pastures; but I just can't help but stay for now knowing the team is suffocatingly incomplete as it is and me leaving would just make everyone else suffer so much more.

How satisfied are you with your relationship status? 10. Nothing to complain about, ever.

How satisfied are you with your friends? 8. I love all of them, but I wish some of them (i.e. my college friends) would put in more effort in keeping up our friendships. I don't take it personally, though; I've also accepted the fact that our friend group may just not rank high on their priorities at this point anymore, and that's fine.

Now what about family? 6. We are very dysfunctional but we make it work.

How entertained are you atm? 7. I have a Good Mythical More running in the background and I've gotten sidetracked from this survey a few times, so I'd say that's entertainment in effect haha.

How bright is the room you’re in? 2. All the lights are off so it's actually super dark here, but my laptop is set to the highest brightness level and that more than balances out the darkness.

How loud is your music/sound you hear? 2.5. Out of the 16 volume bars on my laptop, it's just until the fourth bar so that's literally a 2.5 if my math is correct.

How confident are you about your looks right now? 4. There's a nasty acne scar near my nose that just won't go away. It's affected my confidence a little bit so that's why I headed to the store today to grab a bunch of face care and makeup stuff.

How clean is your room? 9.5. There are just a few things lying around but otherwise the place is spotless.

How much do you love dolls/stuffed animals? 5. Stuffed animals are very cute :)

How satisfied are you with your room? 9. I really really love the loft bed we've built in here since it gave my room so much more space. The one lacking point is just on me, because I haven't been buying any furniture or even just any sort of accent, really, to give my room more of a personality.

How much do you love dogs/cats (pick one)? 11. No-brainer. I like animals more than people.

How well do you do in school? 7. I did well if I really liked the class, but barely put in effort for classes I just felt 'forced' to have, like chemistry and philosophy. In other words I lacked focus and discipline; I feel like I would have had much higher scores across the board if I just powered it through and did a better job pretending to give a fuck about the classes I hated.

How well can you read out loud? 10. Never had a problem with it.

How good are your eyes? 3. I need my glasses, otherwise everything would be hazardous for me.

IF… (REMEMBER, IT’S STILL ON A SCALE OF 1-10)

If your significant other cheated on you, how mad would you be? 10. I'd be so mad I'd turn quiet and simply cut off ties.

What if it was with your best friend? 20. 10 for the SO cheating, 10 for my best friend betraying me and cheating on her fiancé.

You found a toonie on a ground, how happy would you be? 0. I'd be confused and would be asking what a toonie is.

You lied to a friend about something semi-big, how guilty would you feel? 5. Depends on the lie.

You accidentally took something from a store, how guilty would you feel? 10. I did this once when I walked out of a bookstore with a box of crayons I forgot to pay for. I felt really bad and turned to make my way back immediately.

You were given some illegal substance, what would you feel/how much of it? This question doesn't make sense but I would say 0 which stands for, "I'd stay away from it even if it were the last thing on earth."

You spent $300 for yourself, how satisfied would you feel? 5. Satisfied, yes; but also equally guilty/feeling bad because that is so much money to spend on myself.

What about for others? 7. It's a lot of money, but I'd feel better if I made someone else happy with that money.

How angry would you feel if your parents forgot your birthday? 10. How do you forget your kid's birthday?

Lastly. On a scale of 1-10, how entertaining was this survey? 10! I've taken this before but it was still fun to take the second time around!

[olderjodijournals]

Saturday, January 1, 1994

Welcome to the year of the dream! Yes, this is the year I get married and get my foot in the door musically. If I don’t get that foot in the door this year, then it’s all over. I’ll just be a housewife who works on computers and that’d still be fine with me.

I’m outside now. Tom and I worked on the pool. It’s a beautiful day, yet it’s January 1st! There’s snow in MA and CT.

Yesterday I mailed out a 1-page wacky letter to Ann W. I’ll let Fran know the next time I type him a letter. Yesterday I also mailed Kim and Bob letters.

Monday, January 3, 1994

I’ve been meaning to write so many times since the New Year, but I either got busy or lazy.

Last night I taped 3 movies, but while I write I’ve got them on hold. I put Charlie’s Angels on.

Soon I have to call SS. Those assholes are making me see another doctor for a physical and mental exam.

On the 31st, Tom and I went to a restaurant that was so-so. I got prime rib but was so grossed out by the way Tom eats. I don’t think I’ve heard anyone worse and more disgusting.

We had a good day, though, and I took him to get new pants. Next week he’ll get sneakers and I may get stuff, too.

We made love on his days off, and while it gets better and better when he goes down on me, I still feel stupid in other areas.

The last two days were nice. The weather was nice.

Tom sent me a New Year’s message through Prodigy. How sweet.

We both worked on the pool and yesterday I did quite a bit while he was at work. I rearranged all 4 of my photo albums. That took a few hours. I also went through all my blank videos and rearranged those, too.

Later...

My God! I’ve been so busy. I’m not going to be up much longer, so I’ll put a dent in what’s been going on, so I don’t get too backed up.

I have to go to an SS doctor on the 12th. It’s the yearly review crap. I have to see Dr. Wilcox at 9:15 on Thursday, and the GYN who’s upstairs at 10:30.

I should stop writing now. I mean, I’m going to have shitloads of waiting to do. Oh well, but anyway, there’s not too much to tell. The weather’s been gorgeous during the day. In the 70s. Tammy says they’re in for a huge ice/snowstorm and MA and CT have been freezing. Ha, Ha!

Today I took Andy to lunch and next time, he’ll treat me. We went to a place called the Elephant Bar, but that too, was only so-so, just like the Black Angus Tom and I went to. I took $40 from an ATM and dinner came to $21. We left 3 of those notes I wrote up. One to our waiter and we put the other two on cars.

Then, we went to the Christown Mall. He got a new pair of sneakers and I got bubble gum, red lipstick and blue nail polish. The lipstick’s nice cuz it’s not too bright or too dark.

I dubbed tapes for Andy and I’m also typing a list of Stevie songs, demos and interviews.

Thursday, January 6, 1994

Finally, my appointments are over. Everything’s fine, too. I didn’t have too much waiting time, but I wasn’t in and out either. I wrote a few postcards while there.

The inflammation of my cervix Wilcox saw is simply cuz I’m a DES daughter. Also, there are no scars, yeast infections, or urinary tract infections. I thought I was getting a UT infection, though, cuz the day Andy and I went to the mall, plus two days before it, I had a pain in my right lower gut that felt like it. So, I ran and drank tons of cranberry juice. A nurse at Natchaug Hospital told me that this was the thing to do. Luckily it helped. Wilcox’s nurse said it could’ve been my appendix acting up and Kolnick said it could’ve been ovulation.

Why I haven’t been hearing too much from Bob, beats me. He must be busy with that Minnie character he’s mentioned in his last few letters. I guess he’s been helping out his landlord, too.

I just tried to call Tammy, but something urgent was going on cuz she couldn’t talk.

There’s been no answer at Nervous’s for quite some time. I talked to Fran last night and he says he sees Nervous nearly every day. Well, if this is true, he’s either out a lot or has his ringer off and I doubt he’s out too much when he’s not working. Maybe he’s in the hospital.

I even spoke to Ann W last night, besides Fran. We said we got a “crazy letter.” She mentioned getting hers and didn’t sound as freaked or as pissed as I thought she would. I had pretended to be at Fran’s and then joked about it being in the 70s. Ann said it was to be 15º.

Friday, January 7, 1994

I put all those no-postage-necessary cards outside in a bag, along with Andy’s Stevie stuff that I typed up for him. He’s going to mail out all my cards. There are tons of them, and I gave him tons of cards too.

Tom’s out now, but he should be home any minute now.

Last night I read him bits and pieces of journals 1 and 2.

I just got up to stick a Band-Aid on my thumb, so I don’t have to cut my index fingernail. The damn thing digs into my thumb.

The phone just rang. It was Wendy, who surely sounded in a great mood.

So anyway, these are the people who are getting magazine subscriptions: Scott, Nervous, Fran, Bob, Alex, Maliheh (if I got the right address), Russell, Mark (at VV), Mark (on Woodside Terrace, 1st floor), Gracie, Jimmy, Brenda, Bonny, Steve, Barbara, Debbie, Andrea, Robert, Kacey, Donna and Ellie. Most of these people have moved, but hopefully the stuff will be forwarded to them.

I wrote up two more postcards for Alex and Fran. I typed letters to my parents and Bob.

I forgot to ask Tammy for Larry’s address when I spoke to her earlier. Tammy said that yesterday when I called that Lisa did something that really “tore the family apart.” She says she talked whatever it was out.

Shit! Fuck! Damn! The assholes across the street are home now, ready to blast out, I’m sure. I have the stereo cranked up. They pulled their shit last night for an hour and a half, but luckily I’m going out tonight.

Why does God insist I deal with other people’s noise? Especially in a house? This place would be so perfect if it weren’t for them. The kids are quiet and the dogs have backed off. Tom says he really feels they’ll lay the fuck off now that the holidays are over. I doubt it. Even if they did, God would do something else. Well, I just try to remind myself of something very true - anything’s better than the NHA, Deadfield, Crackfield, the VV and CC.

Tonight’s that free trial disco lesson at Arthur Murray dance studio. If they have an affordable package, I’ll take it.

Going to go eat now and type more letters.

Later...

In a little while, we’ll be going out to the dance studio.

I did end up typing two more letters. One to Alex and one to Fran.

So far, no concerts across the street, but it’s still early. With my luck, they’ll be just starting when we get home.

Andy will be coming to get his stuff anytime now. His original Stevie notes and all my no-postage-necessary cards. He’s going to mail them for me.

Did I mention briefly talking to Mom? I did and she was in her usual hurry to get off the phone. She also went through her usual bull of calling only once a month.

Saturday, January 8, 1994

I loved the dance class! It was so much fun and it all came back to me. Even the names of the steps like the walking step, sidestep, tap step, rock step, box step and triple step. It’s really not hard at all and it’s very different from any other dance class I’ve had, cuz it’s a big combination of dances. It’s bits and pieces of disco, country line, ballroom, hustle, jitterbug, swing and so much more. You get 3 private lessons a month, 3 group lessons a month and 3 practice parties where all students get together weekly and dance for an hour and a half. When I walked in, a woman was teaching country line to a group of about 10 people. It really looked fun. The only bummer is, is that I’m not sure if it’s very affordable. Tom and I are going to discuss it tomorrow. Jim, one of their instructors took me back to a smaller room where he showed me about 10 different steps/combinations.

Tom went to Circle K while I was there, so I showed him stuff when we got home. He bought a flash for my camera. We took a few pictures of each other.

Luckily the little fucks across the street didn’t blast off. If they did I didn’t hear it, but there’s tomorrow night and during the day Sunday I’ve got to worry about. They’ve got company now as there are two cars there on the street. These people are weird. They’re sitting in one of the cars now.

Well, I guess it’s about time I hit the sack, so, bye for now!

Sunday, January 9, 1994

I can’t sleep yet, but I am not far from sleep, either.

I don’t know when or if I’m going to return to the Arthur Murray dance studio. It’s awfully confusing as far as the cost goes, so I’m postponing it for now. They don’t make themselves clear enough on their prices. All they say is that it varies, but they’re never specific and they’re very vague. Why can’t they just say it costs this amount of money for this number of classes? Is it because they’re too expensive and they try to hide this till they get people suckered in?

Today Tom and I worked on organizing the back room. We sorted papers, disks, magazines, etc.

Thankfully the beautiful people across the street were quiet Friday and Saturday nights. Now all I hope is that tomorrow they don’t pull what they pulled last Sunday as I won’t tolerate it. No 4-hour concerts for me.

I’ve been billed for blood work beginning a few months ago. I ignored it figuring they would catch on that I have Medicaid and Medicare and bill them. They didn’t. I got a letter from a collection agency and I’m mailing them my billing information.

I also sent for more address labels. A form came in a package of coupons yesterday. I’m getting 250 rainbow colors for $5. I’m also ordering another 100 stamped envelopes.

I did 5 postcards, too. I have 4 postcards left for each of the following people: Kim, Bob, Alex, Fran, and Nervous. Nervous still hasn’t answered anytime I try calling.

Now here’s the funniest news. Andy came over to get his list of Stevie songs. Plus all my no-postage-necessary cards which he’ll mail. He brought me 3 letters that were set outside the mailboxes where he lives. One was even from a prison inmate in Florence, AZ. All had return addresses on them so I’ve “responded” to everyone who wrote, with wacky letters. I copied their letters in journal #54 which is Book of Letters #6. I read them all on Andy’s VM. He loved them and was cracking up. Then, here’s what I did with the 7 NPN envelopes: Put each of the 3 letters in a separate envelope. Put each of the 3 envelopes these people sent their letters in 3 separate envelopes and the dance studio’s number and address in another since I copied it in #35.

Later...

Got up at 11:00 today and did a few things. Wrote out postcards, sang, watched TV, and played a computer game.

Tom just got home a little while ago. I asked him if he wanted me to read him to sleep, but I guess not. We were just talking about movies.

I hope I get mail tomorrow.

Later...

I just talked to Tammy and told her about the dance studio.

Now I’m watching a movie that’s going on soon. I’ll write later.

Later...

I decided to tape the movie I was going to watch. While it was taping (and is still), I typed up a letter to my parents. I used the last of the 100 stamped envelopes, but like I said yesterday, I ordered 100 more. I hope that with tomorrow being the beginning of the 6-day mail week, I get a few letters. I sure as hell have tons of outgoing mail.

As figured, I still have not gotten any video of Lisa’s concert. I doubt I will. Tammy says she’ll send a lot of things she never does. Besides the video, she was going to send my proofs back and a family portrait, but oh well. I’m sure she has her reasons for the delay.

Still no answer at Nerv’s. I just tried again. Earlier I called his very naïve mother who was nice, though. I said I was Julian, a friend of his, and I asked if he was OK. She said as far as she knew he was OK.

I called Fran earlier and quickly hung up after 5 words. The idea was to get him to call me back but he didn’t.

I’m dying to find out what Bob thinks of the tapes. I wish I could’ve been there to see his reaction.

The beautiful people across the street didn’t give us a concert this weekend. Thank you, God!

Monday, January 10, 1994

I’m not able to fall asleep just yet, so why not write?

I finally filled out the last of the 50 postcards and have already mailed out 30. I’ll mail 5 tomorrow, 5 Wed., 5 Thurs., and 5 Friday. That’ll kill ‘em all off. There are 5 people getting them - Nervous, Fran, Alex, Kim and Bob.

I did a little editing earlier. Soon I’ll do more.

I set up the timer to record a movie for Tom that I also want to see.

Later...

Tom and I finally got our CDs today. I only got two. Gloria’s Mi Tierra and Christmas Thru Your Eyes. Finally! I’m listening to the Christmas one now. It sucks, but at least I have it.

No letters today, but we sure had a lot of outgoing mail.

Later...

I called Jim at the dance studio. Tom told me last night that he really wanted me to go after he’d thought about it. You see, at first I felt bad, cuz this is fun for only me. Then Tom brought up a good point. While there are lots of things we both like, there are things only one of us likes and that’s OK. I like to dance and he doesn’t, but he likes sports which I hate. If it gets too expensive I won’t go, but I do want to take advantage of their Jan. special. After that, Jim said the smallest package is 6 lessons a month, but naturally, he wouldn’t go over the cost of it with me by phone. I told him I’d call back to reschedule an appointment with him after I see when Tom can bring me. Probably this weekend.

Wednesday I have to go to the head doctor set up by SS. Also, I have to take the written test for an AZ license. Thank God, though, the damn crotch doctor is over.

Now I’m listening to Mi Tierra. It’s OK. I’ll get used to it as I did with Rio and Otra Vez. I wish I could get those two on CD, plus what I don’t already have of Linda on CD. Hell, it’d be great to have everything I have on tape on CD. Including the edits and all the conversations, too.

Tuesday, January 11, 1994

I just finished watching a movie I taped. It was good.

Tom came home and was glad our CDs came. He’s off Wednesday - Saturday, so we discussed plans. Wednesday I have the head doctor. Thursday he takes his parents to the racetrack. Friday I shoot for my new license. In between, we may do some shopping. He needs sneakers badly. Thursday night I’m going to dance. I’ll call the studio tomorrow and see if I can go then.

I’m sending the picture that was the last one Montgomery/Ward took, to my parents. Tom and I talked about it. I have a camera now, plus, there’ll be more Montgomery/Ward pictures. I don’t even really like how this picture came out. My hair and body look OK, but my face looks pitiful.

I edited a convo on a defective tape onto another. The tape that’s screwed up still plays, but there are parts where there’s music I can’t get rid of. I mean, I can tape over it, but you can still hear the music. Something isn’t sealed.

Later...

Got up at 11:30 today and there was a message from Kim. She pretty much said she had RK surgery, there is 14” of snow and more to come, Christmas sucked for her as 5 family members were sick, and she’s going to FL for two weeks.

She did bring up a very good point, though, as to why Bob’s not writing. He probably can’t afford to buy stamps. I’ll send a few to him.

Tom will be home anytime now. Good. I’ve been horny all day. I don’t know if he’ll be awake enough to fool around, but if not, I’ll take care of myself.

Can’t wait to tell Tom the good news, but I’ll write about it later.

Before I temporarily sign off, I will say that I scheduled an appointment with Jim at the studio for 8:15 this Thursday night.

Thursday, January 13, 1994

I’m not in the mood to write too much now, but I will at least cover some of the basics. I went to see that doctor today that SS set me up with. He’s not a shrink, thankfully. He was a clinical psychologist. He was nice, and even he was appalled at all the years of different medications I was drugged up with. He asked for current and past medical and mental info. Also did some memory tests.

Got a letter from Bob today and my 100 envelopes. I’ve self-addressed 3 envelopes which I’m mailing Bob to hopefully make it easier for him to write more. I’m also ordering more address labels. The first set I ordered is like the ones I got a few months ago. The next one’s super pretty. They’re like prism jeweled.

Tom and I fooled around earlier and it was great as he managed to get inside a little further. Yup, there is hope. That KY jelly is good stuff.

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I copied a partially defective tape of me, Fran, Nervous, and I guess that’s all. I’m sending the tape to Nerv. I’ve thrown it in an envelope with no return label, so if there’s any postage owed, and there may be, he pays it. I know Nervous reads my letters and does not throw them out. He may not be as obsessed with me now, he may have Crystal, but trust me, he’s hooked on me for life. Therefore, he’s curious to read them. Once that hooked, always hooked. If I were to move back to Springfield now, no, he wouldn’t see me as much, but yes, he’d spy here and there for curiosity’s sake of his old obsession. Especially if he were jobless with no girlfriend, and I really think he and Crystal are history by now. Not even she answers when I try to call. If he could choose any woman on the entire face of this earth, I know I’d be his choice. Plus, if he really was refusing to read my letters, I’m sure he’d want to prove it by returning them.

I do have other great news, but I’ll write about it later.

Friday, January 14, 1994

Yesterday sure was a shitty morning from 7:30 - noon. I am so bummed out and afraid to go to sleep. I mean, why, why, why, why, why, why, why?!?! Why is God pitting the house across the street against me? What did I ever do to these people? I don’t even know them. I live in a house now. Oh, please God stop! Let me sleep all the time, instead of some of the time - please! Please, please, please?!?! Haven’t I been woken up enough? How long is the payback going to go on for all those people I called and woke up back east? It’s over. I haven’t called and woken them up in ages and I never intend to again, so please! Let me sleep. Let me get up when I say so. Not when someone else says so. If you must punish me, please do something else. Please? I’ve been woken up hundreds of times in the last few years. Isn’t that enough? Please, let me alone now. Let me sleep? It’s either their music or their van with no muffler. Please make it stop - please? I have no job, no kids, and live in a house now!

Later...

As you can see, yesterday was a shitty day. I’m terrified to go to sleep. I brought the big fan in here, but when the fuck is this shit ever going to stop? When I’m 35? Well, enough of those fucking assholes who will be hearing from me. I want to get to happier stuff.

I had another private dance class last night with Jim. It went very well and was lots of fun. I paid $29 for that special. These are the names of the dance steps we went over: walking step, sidestep, tap step, triple step, rock step, box step, underarm turn, and a few others.

When we came home, we made some address labels for the people I write to. I’ve got my parent’s done. Soon, we’ll do Kim, Bob, Fran and Nervous.

Later...

Today was a beautiful day. It was the perfect temperature for tanning. Not too cool, not too hot, but I miss going swimming! I was out for about an hour and now I’m just kicking back and enjoying the peace and quiet till they blast off across the street.

I just tried calling Nerv. As usual, I got no answer. He’s got to be either in the hospital or in jail.

I told you I slept with the fan on. Did it work? Yup. So far, so good. I didn’t fall asleep till about 6:00 or 7:00 AM, but I got up at 1:00.

Later...

The good news that I said I had to mention, may not be so good after all. Andy’s got 5 songs he wrote and put into demo form on his 4-track recorder. One of them, he wrote the vocals too high for him, but not too high for me being a contralto. He talked to a guy who knows Donna. This is the studio she used to work at. It’s normally $50 an hour, but the guy was going to break it to $40 an hour, as he’s got 5 songs. They figured he’d take 2 hours to do each song which was to total $400, but Andy called last night to tell me it’ll be $500 a song. 5 songs to $500 per song beats me. Either Andy was mistaken about something or the guy bullshitted him by not being up front. The guy must’ve left something important out. Andy says, though, that he’s determined not to let this stop him and that he’ll find some way to make it work out. He also mentioned going and talking to other people at other studios. I was going to do the vocals to that one song at no charge to me as I’d be doing him a favor.

I do have other stuff to write about but for now, I’m going to write an interesting chart of questions I’d like to do every 3 months. I write some questions in which Tom and I each write the percentage of probability of it happening. We couldn’t look at each other’s answers till we were done. Here are the questions and what each of us wrote percentage-wise:

Will the business work out? J-100 T-90

Will we be married? J-100 T-100

Divorced? J-0 T-0

Will we live on a parcel of land? J-90 T-75

Will the music people across the street still play 1-3 times a week? J-95 T-60

Will I be a singer? J-30 T-99

Will I ever dance professionally again? J-20 T-50

Model? J-10 T-75

Have a kid? J-0 T-1

Will Tom lose weight? J-100 T-50

Will I lose weight? J-95 T-50

Will we ever make a demo in a recording studio? J-30 T-80

Will I quit smoking? J-1 T-90

Will Tom get all the computer parts, clothes, and shoes he wants? J-100 T-0

Sunday, January 16, 1994

Yeah! No heavy metal concerts these last two days. This doesn’t mean they won’t blast off tomorrow afternoon, but I’ll be asleep anyway till 4:00 or 5:00 PM. The fan works great, too.

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday, but I’m still not sure how old he is. On Thursday I’ll have to remember to call Lisa. She’ll be 11. Both Lisa and Larry hopefully got their cards by now. Tom and I were going through this book earlier to see when we went to the Black-Eyed Pea restaurant as that’s the same night I bought their cards. I mailed them the very next day. I believe I mailed them on the 11th but forgot to mention it here. Tom mailed my picture at the post office the same day their cards went out from here.

Monday, January 17, 1994

I’m finally beginning to feel better. Thankfully. I had a slight stomach bug for the last few days. Luckily it wasn’t too big a deal. I didn’t have to throw up, but it was a yucky feeling. Next, I get to deal with my period. That’ll arrive any time now. I still do feel somewhat nauseous. Yuck! I feel like I’m cramping too, but most of that’s gas.

Another big earthquake in California. This time hitting L.A. That city sure is cursed.

Today was Martin Luther King Day. This is the second year that it’s been observed here, so there was no mail today.

This Thursday night I’m going to go to two-party practices at Arthur Murray’s. They have these every Thurs. night. I picked this night for two reasons. Tom’s off from work then and that seems to be our lovely neighbor’s favorite time to blast off. Luckily these last two Saturday and Friday nights have been peaceful. Same with Sunday afternoons.

Here’s something shocking, though. Taggers wrote graffiti on the outside of the block wall around the pool. It would seem unlikely for these streets here to have any of that. They wrote the word, “kraze.” I even had a vision. The guy’s name is Armondo or Armando. He’s Mexican, 19 years old, brown/black thick, wavy, short hair, medium complexion, brown eyes, about 5’ 6” in height. He wore either jeans or brownish corduroys, a white shirt with a torn jean jacket. He’s skinny but somewhat built. Not as muscular as me, but close. He was alone and rode a bike. Can’t see what color, though. Or if it was a 3 or 10-speed bike.

Earlier Tom and I went to Osco drugstore. There, I got some vitamins and more body gel. When the gel runs out, I want to get some perfumed lotion. It won’t bother my allergies when it’s in the form of lotion at all. No, wait a minute. I didn’t get the gel there. I got Gas-X. Tom picked me up the gel and more of that Infusium 23 for my hair. It’s a conditioner I spray on and leave on my hair so it doesn’t end up feeling like straw.

Tuesday, January 18, 1994

I have 10 pieces of mail going out today. I have 5 for Nervous, 2 for Fran, 1 for Bob, 1 for Kim and 1 for my parents.

I must get on with finishing Andy’s booties. I sure hope they fit.

Last Thursday night before dance class I was in a bookstore in that plaza. It had some neat journals. I saw some smaller ones there for $5 each that were so nice, but I’m not sure if I want them. Will they look funny lined up on my shelves with all the others? They’re not as small as the old tiny ones (numbers 8, 10, 5 and 6) that I re-copied into bigger ones and then sent to Fran. However, they’re small than #41, so we’ll just have to see.

Later...

I changed my mind and decided I would write after all. There’s not too much else to do.

I left Andy a message and there’s still no answer at Nerv’s. Like I said, the guy’s either in the hospital or jail. I hope no one killed him. I never hated the dude that much.

Boy, my body’s sure been acting strange this month. Almost always, my breasts are sore right before that time. Sometimes they are two weeks in advance. They get very tender and sensitive. I’m not retaining too much water either, but I am bloated. What else is new as far as my stomach’s concerned? I’ve always got somewhat of a gut.

Later...

I’m still wide awake, so I figured now is as good a time as any to write.

A little while ago, I called Gina at KOOL. We chatted for a while, then she had a friend on who lives near where the earthquake hit.

Hope I get some mail today from Bob or someone. I’m sure Kim will send postcards from Florida.

Wow! Gina just said it’s going to be 76º today and 78º tomorrow. I gotta get tanning. I’m now just about as white as these pages.

Later...

Tom just got home and he’s going over some software now he got in the mail. I got no mail.

I got up at 3:00 and aired the place out. It was beautiful out.

Tom took down the bulletin board which was behind and above the microwave. I put it up over the couch for my pictures. Now all I have to do is pull the tack out if I decide I don’t want them up. This is better than having to deal with tape.

I sent most of my birthday and Chanukah cards to Nervous. I typed 3 letters so far today. In the one to Bob, I enclosed a full-page picture of Gloria I don’t like. In Fran’s, I put in two little ones. One I have a bigger copy of and the other’s shitty. My parent’s letter contained some really cool pictures the computer printed of scenery. Later, I’ll type Kim a letter.

Soon our dinner will be ready. All I’m having is garlic bread and tater tots. Haven’t had much of an appetite lately. It’ll be back soon, though.

Got my period today, too. I was luckier this month. My boobs weren’t as sore and I didn’t retain as much water and get extremely bloated. Lots of gas, though.

Later...

I’m recording a movie now which will soon be over.

Tom got some software in the mail today. It’s a program that allows you to make cards, banners, etc. Well, the musical notes in the front, plus what’s on the back cover, are of a card Tom made for me. Except for the mailbox. He tested it by using some of the pictures I drew that were scanned into the computer. I sent this to my folks.

Now there are 10 minutes till my movie’s over. What shall I do after? I really should get to work on knitting Andy’s slippers.

I had two pamphlets on doing your own breast exams. Dr. Wilcox gave me one and so did Dr. Kolnick. I put one in its own NPN envelope. Besides the two NPNs, I have two letters to the folks, one to Kim, Bob, and Fran. I suppose now’s a good time to mail Nerv’s tape if he’s around to get it.

Wednesday, January 19, 1994

I’m watching an old prison movie now. The Golden Globe Awards will be on this Saturday. I saw Marlee Matlin and some other TV people I like. I wonder if the cast of Law & Order will be on.

Later...

I just edited a little. Now I’m not so confused as I always used to be with all my tapes. I wish I had this organized system when I first began doing this.

I watched that prison movie, but I still have to see the other one I taped that was on before it.

I’m cramping somewhat now and flowing fairly heavily, but by tomorrow night it’ll start fading off. I usually only rag for 4 days.

I put my mail out, but I’m going to wait till later to put Nervous’s tape out.

There’s only one unfortunate thing to this house which was non-existent in all the apartments I was in. It’s very easy for someone to walk by and grab any outgoing mail, clipped up there. Being on the corner, it’s very exposed so one can easily see it, grab it and dash on around the corner onto W. Weldon. So, cuz of this, if I ever have anything important or of value to mail, I try to wait till it’s light or near when the mailman gets here.

I take that back about it being impossible in all the apartments I was in. It could’ve been done in S. Deerfield or CT. I’m surprised no one snatched any in or outgoing mail of mine in CT, and if they did, I never knew it. I wonder if the pigs ever messed with my mail in S. Deerfield? Boy, I’m such a cop-hater now! It goes beyond any of my own personal dealings with them. They’re getting to be just as bad as those they arrest. Them and their fucking power play and manipulations. You know, there’s a fucking pig living across the street here, and believe me, I do not feel any safer.

Got some great wall ideas so I’ll go take a shot at them.

Thursday, January 20, 1994

You may remember my mentioning Tom’s friend Geri a while back. They’ve known each other for several years and last summer Geri and her daughter Christina moved to S. Dakota. Well, they’re moving back now. I’ve always gotten bad vibes about Geri. Tom feels bad for her daughter, otherwise he wouldn’t be friends with Geri. Christina’s 17 now, though, and soon to be on her own. I would never tell Tom what to do, but I told him I’m concerned for him, and he understands. Maybe they’ve had good times together, but I know Geri’s a user and trouble due to my good intuition, and Tom has said so. She’s a bitch. Tom doesn’t want her here after Friday when she comes to get her keys, either. Tomorrow he’s getting her an apartment Friday morning she’s coming to get the keys here and Tom’s going to get rid of her ASAP. If I’m asleep and she wakes me up, I’ll lay her ass. She also better never pop over here unannounced. Especially if I’m here alone. Tom says she won’t, though. Enough of that sick bitch now, but I personally would love for her to come here when I’m awake, alone, and in a foul mood. This is my opinion, though, and opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one.

Yesterday morning was not off to a great start. I woke up wheezing really bad but didn’t have to go to the ER. I left my heater fan on full blast and it really warmed up today to 78º. Leaving the heater fan on is what did it, though. So, when I could finally breathe, I vacuumed, dusted and aired this place out. I laid out in the sun, but only got a teeny bit of color.

When Tom came home we talked about music and computer ideas.

I love Tom more and more each day. I can’t believe how lucky I am. Finally someone so supportive and positive and who lets me be myself. He recognizes my skills and talents. Most other people don’t care or are negative. It sure was hard for me not to be negative after fuckface Scott who’s either continued pulling the same shit on others or was killed by now. Or in jail. I never believed those tax stories and all the other shit he got into with Eric, and I’m sure Steve and Bonnie by now. Crystal, too.

Earlier I played Tom’s killer keyboard and my guitar. I taped some TV shows and spoke to Lisa. I wanted to wish her a happy 11th birthday today, rather than tomorrow. Tomorrow she will be busy and I’ll be getting up late. I also go to dance class tomorrow night and when I get home it will be way too late to call.

Tammy says Larry called her Saturday to thank her for the birthday card, but he never mentioned getting mine. Neither of them mentioned seeing each other and now she’s beginning to feel he doesn’t want to see her. I’m not shocked, but I reminded her that it’s not her fault, she didn’t do anything and she’ll always have a sister.

Later...

Boy, do I ever have some shocking news! Well, I went to the party practice from 9:00 - 10:00 tonight. It was lots of fun. At first I thought I’d feel pretty stupid, but all the instructors are so nice. The students are too. The instructors, as well as some of the students, go around and take turns dancing with different people.

I do intend to write, but actually, I want to go listen to music first. I shall return, though.

Friday, January 21, 1994

Continuing with the dance school - I danced with different instructors and a student. One instructor was saying how cute and fit I looked, then told Jim he was marrying me in a week - but wait till I get to the really shocking part. I have never ever in my life done the tango, rumba, waltz, or cha-cha. Different teachers showed me these and asked how long I’ve known them. They were shocked when I told them that was my first time. I was simply following their lead. Then Dala, another teacher, and I were talking. She wants to be an exotic dancer and I told her about it.

Then she said, “They’re hiring now so why not be an instructor here?”

I was like - what?! Me?!

She said they have an 8-week training period that costs nothing. This is certainly flattering and shocking, but I must work under the table. SS does allow you to work and earn a certain amount before they cut you, but I’m not sure what the limit is. We’ll see. I’ll discuss it with Tom when he’s feeling better.

I also got a comment I don’t usually get from women. I was sitting down and a woman named Sharon said, “You look very pretty tonight.”

Fucking Geri will be here between 3 AM-noon.

Today I got up late and Tom said that at 2 PM the idiots across the street were playing. Thank God I slept through it till it was over. The fan works great. They’ll probably blast off tonight, tomorrow night, or Sunday afternoon. I don’t think God will only have me deal with it twice in 3 weeks. I’m just never that lucky. Cuz they did it less last week and the week before, I’m sure this week it’ll be made up for tonight and tomorrow night.

At close to 7 PM we went to Denny’s, then to Payless for Tom’s sneakers, but he was too sick.

After, we went to the bookstore by the dance studio where I bought the pen I’m writing with and the next journal (57).

I forgot a stop. Before the bookstore, we went to a grocery store. I pulled $40 out of my account before Denny’s. I got female stuff (pads and tampons), lettuce for the pig, a blue marker pen, donuts, yogurt and smokes.

Gosh, I still can’t believe they asked me to train as an instructor there! I thought you had to dance professionally for a million years before you could ever teach in a place like Arthur Murray’s. This place is worldwide and has been around for a good 50 years or so.

Well, I think I’ll go watch TV now.

Oh, by the way, before I sign off - I played Tom’s killer keyboard and my guitar last night and a little bit today. I may play later, too.

Later...

I just typed a two-page letter to my parents. I mentioned Arthur Murray’s and what’s gone on in general.

One of these days soon, I’ve got to sit down and write some more songs. Tom’s been such an inspiration and so encouraging.

I gave my pig some lettuce and played with him a bit.

I also watched a little TV, but I’m really not in the mood now.

I took a tiny notebook with about 26 pages left in it, wrote gibberish on them and stuck them in 11 different NPN envelopes. I’m not putting those out and I’m definitely not putting out my parent’s letter till after Geri leaves. Although I never met this woman, I just don’t trust her. She gives me bad vibes and if she ever hurts Tom, I’ll kill the bitch. You know me, so, if she were to be as nice to me as Wendy’s been over the phone, then fine, I’ll be nice, too.

I hope my new address labels hurry up and get here. I have no more left and I want to stick them in my new journal. Actually, though, I have 14 left, but they’re stuck on envelopes that have address labels on them and are ready to go. Address labels on them to people, I mean, Fran, Bob, Kim and my parents. No! I have 10. I won’t put them on letters I send Fran as I don’t trust him. Once, he made a comment about being able to peel them off. Now why would he want to do that? And where would he re-stick them? I know Fran and do not trust him. I won’t even send them to Nervous, but I no longer write too much to him anymore. If he is in the hospital, and the guy’s got to be somewhere, I hope no one else is picking up his mail. Cuz whoever may do so, may not give it to him, call my folks, or the police. Not that I’d care if they did call my folks or the police, but I’d prefer them not to. I’d rather that, though, than for him to not get it. I’m not intimidated by my folks or the pigs.

A rough guesstimate of how many journal pages I’ve written in all is 8,000 - 9,000. Wow! And I began writing journals 2,277 days ago!

Later...

Tom got up an hour ago. He’s now talking to Wendy who just called.

Within the next two hours, I’ll be going to sleep.

As of last night, Tom’s been nauseous like I was. When he’s feeling better, we’re going to discuss whether or not I should do anything about training at Arthur Murray’s. I told Tom that a part of me wants to not bother and stay on SS which is all I know. But, a bigger part says there are too many possibilities and opportunities and I don’t want the government holding me back. Especially now that I’m here in Arizona.

Later...

I just played with the pig who I now call Desperado or Piggy, rather than Beauty, now knowing he’s a he. Every time I put him back in his cage, he screams, but he’ll settle down soon. He certainly ate enough.

Sunday, January 23, 1994

No heavy metal concerts all weekend! Yeah! I don’t even think the jerk is there. Neither of us has heard that goddamn van.

Got a card from Kim today. It was a cute one with a cat on it. I copied it into #54, then threw it in an NPN envelope.

Later...

Another classic wall drawing! The original idea was to try drawing a girl on a hammock reaching down to a cat. I tried, but no way. So, I ended up doing big blades of leaves on the very bottom, with colorful flowers mixed in. In the center, going up higher, I drew a palm tree. I did this in the hall. I can see it from my bed which is where I’m writing.

Now, let me update beginning with when Tom was expecting Geri and her daughter Christina. I fell asleep around 9 AM and they supposedly came for 15 minutes at 1:00. I slept with no disturbances. Tom said the only thing Geri asked about me is what kind of asthma meds I take. Guess her mom’s got asthma, too.

Christina thought it was cool that I had roller skates and she liked the pig. She even wants to meet me and for us to go roller skating together. I’m not surprised. If it’s 18 or under it wants to be my friend, but that’s fine and I do prefer teens to toddlers if I ever do have to deal with kids.

Let me break for a cigarette, then I’ll continue with the drawing.

Later...

Gosh! Every time I walk by those leaves, flowers, and tree, I ask myself, did I really do that? I ask myself the same thing about the vase of flowers.

So, Dala was teaching country line dancing from 8:15 - 9:00. It was fun and I learned more stuff that I still remember. I came home and practiced. I even got Tom doing it with me.

After he went to bed that night, I played some guitar and keyboard and I even drew another Gloria picture. Some parts of it are OK, but others are out of proportion.

Tom’s going to show me how to scan my journals and print them out the same way I did with my drawings. You can even condense it to where you’ve got 4 pages printed on one piece of paper. It’d be nice to have extra copies of all my journals and I kind of wish I could safely store and lock them up in a bank vault or something like that. I doubt it, but you never know if there’ll be a fire, flood, or whatever. Can’t send it to Tammy. She’d read every single word.

Yesterday I didn’t really do too much and slept late. I woke up pretty wheezy again, so I’m being really careful with the cigarettes and trying to keep busy. I think I’ll go listen to some music now. After that, I may play more of my computer card game and eat.

Monday, January 24, 1994

Woke up fine yesterday afternoon at 4 PM. In the early morning hours yesterday, I did another cool wall design with shapes, flowers, hearts, bows, stars, musical notes, and other things.

Fran called and Andy may be over tonight or tomorrow.

There may be a problem with Andy’s slippers. I knitted one way too short in length and width, so maybe I can design a shirt for him with fabric glue.

Shortly after Tom came home, I outlined a little girl reaching for the light switch in my bedroom. After he went down on me and then to bed, I finished it. It came out better than I thought it was going to come out.

I played with the pig and typed letters to Fran and Kim. I also typed up two new songs. I printed a copy of each for Tammy, too.

Tuesday, January 25, 1994

I just accidentally took my meds too soon, therefore, my heart just took off on me for about 45 minutes or so. I feel better now.

Got a letter from Bob today. He says he sent several letters. What?! They must have gotten lost, as I doubt he’d be dumb enough to send them to the old address. He sent 5 Polaroids, too. One of him which I’m keeping. Two of some friends named April and Tina, two that are all blackened out, and one of him stark naked from head to toe. I put the two blacked-out ones in an NPN envelope and the ones with his friends in another NPN envelope. The nude one I sent to Kim for her to send to Fran with a letter for him that I stuck in it. I said I was a secret admirer in his building. Also, it will have her handwriting and a Springfield postmark on it.

Earlier I spoke with Andy. I told him that the booties weren’t going to work out too well as I don’t have his foot here as I do mine 24/7. I’m going to order him address labels instead for his b-day, as soon as I get an order form.

As far as anything I’m now knitting, I’m knitting a bag for my camera and flash. Yesterday I finished shooting off the roll I had of 24. We sent it off in the mail cuz it’s cheaper. I will get double prints as well as 3 rolls of film.

I taped another movie and typed letters to Kim, Fran, and Bob.

Tomorrow Andy’s number will change. He says he’s changing it so his billing cycle is the first of the month, rather than the middle when he’s broke. He may come over tomorrow. Well, I think I’ll go now and see the movie I taped.

Later...

I just did my legs with that hair removal thing. It’s not the actual removal of the hair that hurts, it’s the aftermath of it all. I get red itchy bumps for a good half hour after I do it.

Going to try calling Tammy now.

Wednesday, January 26, 1994

Andy was going to come over tonight, but he fell asleep. I can’t wait to show him my artwork, and he needs more tapes done. He did send a surprise letter in the mail. It was cool of him since I’m no longer back East and his letter was funny. I copied it into #54 which I tore out several sections of like I did with #53. If worse comes to worst, though, I can always recopy them as I did with the old tiny journals. He also sent a religious note and a picture of a lighthouse at Martha’s Vineyard that someone left him. Also, a tax business card, an NPN card for a plate, and a Red Lobster restaurant questionnaire form which he filled out. After I copied the letter (his), I mailed it to Fran, along with the lighthouse picture. Bob got the Red Lobster survey. Nervous is getting the plate. I stuck the tax card and the religious letter in an NPN envelope.

When Tom got home, he cooked us hash browns and I wrapped change. He has these really cool coin counters that are so much quicker and easier. This is the first time in my life I enjoyed wrapping coins. I wrapped $10.50 in a fraction of the time it’d normally take.

A while back I gave Tom my little unicorn address book, cuz I copied phone numbers in #35. Well, right after he went to bed, I copied in phone numbers for him. He has this really neat thing that looks like a calculator, but it holds names and numbers.

I typed letters to Fran and Bob, played a game and watched TV. I have one 1-hour show I taped earlier. I think I’ll go play my game, then see it.

Later...

Well, the good news is that I’ve had 14 cigarettes today, rather than 17, but the bad news is that I’m tight in the lungs.

Andy just called. He just woke up and is now getting ready to go to work. Boy, I sure don’t miss feeling his stomping footsteps. I don’t know how anyone below him deals with it. Hopefully, he can come over tonight, so I can show him my art, dub some tapes for him, and give him back the shirt with the button I sewed on it.

Later...

Tom’s taking a shower now. He cupped my back a little to break down the tightness. Shit gets stuck down there every now and then and it’s not always easy to cough up.

I was reading back at the beginning of #10 and browsing through several others. I can only imagine how many words I’ve misspelled and left out of sentences. Also, sometimes my handwriting is neat and other times it’s sloppy as all hell. It depends on my mood and how awake I am.

Tom just got out of the shower. In about half an hour he’ll be going to work. After he leaves, I’ll watch TV and make some coffee. Bye for now.

Later...

At 8:00 this morning I was browsing through the TV guide when I saw her name. Jenny Seagrove (Norah) in Nates and Hayes. I taped it when I fell asleep at 10 AM and saw it when I got up at 4 PM. It sucked, and it was all pirates fighting the whole time. Jenny looked better in The Guardian, as there she was shown more and in modern clothes. In this movie, she wore Little House on the Prairie-type clothes all the way through. Her hair was longer, though.

Got a really nice letter from Dad. I called and the bitch answered saying it hasn’t been a month. She knows damn well I can afford to call her. This is just her excuse as a way to not deal with me too much. Fine. I hung up on the bitch.

Andy left a message saying he wouldn’t be over, his car died, he already sold it, but don’t worry about him. How’s he going to get to work? Probably a coworker or a cab.

Tom brought some KFC home after work. That was nice, cuz I was so hungry. Tomorrow he’ll get groceries.

We chatted for a while and he went to bed. He mentioned us having fun tomorrow night. Yes, the sex is getting better, easier, and more frequent.

After he went to bed I played with the pig, watched TV, and typed a letter in response to Dad’s letter. Did some knitting, too, and now I’m not sure what I’ll do next. I’ll figure it out.

Thursday, January 27, 1994

I’ve been meaning to write about something I’ve noticed since last Thursday. No van across the street! Yeah! Oh God, please don’t send it back?! It’s been wonderful not to have to listen to the prick sit there gunning his engine for 45 minutes. Last Thursday I slept through them playing cuz I had the fan on. The other two Thursdays before I didn’t have to deal with it too much as I was at the dance studio. If this weekend’s silent, then it’ll be nearly a whole month of peace and quiet. Thank you, God! I barely hear next door’s dog or kids too, thankfully. Out of all the places I’ve lived while on my own this is definitely the quietest. If I am beat, though, and don’t want to risk being woken up, I turn the fan on medium, otherwise, I’d probably hear the mail going into the mail slot.

We’re expecting packages too, and the mailman rings the doorbell. Geri is expecting one, Tom is, and so am I. I’m expecting CDs, address labels and stuff from Fingerhut.

Friday, January 28, 1994

Got a letter from Bob today. He used one of the stamped envelopes I sent him. He drew some flowers and I used one of his ways out in the living room. I never really liked the teddy bear that was by the table, so I erased it and did a thing of leaves, 3 different colored tulips, and a rainbow over it.

No concerts! I still haven’t heard the van.

I typed letters to Bob, Fran, Kim and my parents. I talked to Andy, who sold his car and is looking for another one.

Let me go have a cigarette, then I’ll write more.

Later...

I got two funny messages which I’m going to tape and edit. Ricky called from Fran’s and he made it sound like I picked up and he was talking to me. Then, after the 3 minutes were up, Fran called back saying, “You bitch! Why’d ya hang up? I wanted to talk to you!”

I called his regular number, but it said it was being checked for trouble. As in disconnected. So, I beeped him on his beeper and after a while, I figured he wouldn’t call back cuz it was getting late there. Sure enough, as soon as I went in to take a shower, he called.

As usual, there’s no answer at Nervous’s. I doubt he’s still with Crystal, cuz I’m sure she’d have a hard time dealing with never answering the phone. From what I hear, this girl knows a lot of people and is a phoneaholic. I never even get a busy signal. He’s probably bummed out, mad at me, missing me, and doesn’t want to deal with me or Fran calling him.

Well, time to go do something else.

Saturday, January 29, 1994

Not much has gone on since I last wrote. I simply cleaned the bathroom, did laundry, played computer games, played with my pig, and typed letters. One to Bob and the other to Kim. Hopefully, Tom will get up soon so we can have some fun. There hasn’t been time yet since he’s been off.

Right now I believe I’ll go watch TV. I’ve got a lot of stuff taped.

Monday, January 31, 1994

Well, I learned all by myself how to print out messages sent on Prodigy. Now I can copy in those, too. Got one from Tammy recently.

[fleurywiththesave]

Showing up injured at their enemy’s house for MattDrai 🥹

oh this is a GOOD one. i did play a little fast and loose with the word "enemy" here, but they're not NOT enemies!

25. Showing up injured at their enemy’s house

Leon is climbing into bed when the doorbell rings and scares him half to death. Bowie looks deeply unimpressed by the squeak-shout he lets out, but it's not like he's tough enough to save them if whoever's at the door tries to rob Leon blind, so he doesn't get to have an opinion.

Anyone who has any business showing up at Leon's house at this hour would've called first, so he's not really sure what he's expecting when he opens the door, but it's certainly not Matthew Tkachuk with a split lip, a soon-to-be black eye, and a torn jacket. Leon's too shocked to say anything.

"Can I come in," he says quietly.

"What the hell happened to you?" Leon asks.

"I got mugged," Matthew answers. "They took my wallet and my phone. I didn't know the way back to the hotel." Leon still can't seem to think of anything to say, and after a long stretch of silence, Matthew takes a step back. "Never mind. I shouldn't have come here, sorry. I'll figure it out."

"Wait," Leon says, reaching out and grabbing his arm. "Sorry, I was just surprised. Of course you can come in." Matthew looks unsure, but he follows Leon into the house and sits down at the kitchen table while Leon digs out his first aid aid kit, thankful that Connor is fussy enough to insist that everyone have one on hand.

"So what happened?" Leon asks while he starts dabbing off the cuts on Matthew's face with a wet cloth.

"The boys wanted to go out after the game," Matthew explains, wincing when the cloth tugs on his skin. "I left on the early side and these guys jumped me. They must have been watching us inside. They made me get in their car so they could go to an ATM, then they drove for a bit, I guess to confuse me, and pushed me out. It was just dumb luck that I recognized the streets enough to get to your house from where they left me."

"I'm surprised you remembered," Leon says. It's been several years, after all.

It was just a few times, during the Covid season. They were both bored and angry and horny, and their teams played each other so often that it just kind of...happened. And yeah, Leon would be lying if he said he'd never thought about it again after they stopped, but they had an unspoken agreement not to talk about it. Hockey went back to normal the next season and everything else did too. Oilers versus Flames, good versus evil. Even after the trade. This is the first conversation he's had with Matthew since then.

Matthew shrugs. "You're pretty memorable." They both fall back into silence while Leon cleans the wounds with antiseptic, bandages them as best he can, and digs out some ice packs for Matthew's various bruises.

"I should've fought back," Matthew says suddenly. His voice is quiet, but the bitterness cuts through the room. It's a combination of hockey player bravado and Matthew Tkachuk's Martyr Complex.

"Are you an idiot?" Leon answers, surprising himself with how sharp he sounds. "They might have killed you."

"I—"

"No one gives a shit how tough you think you are. Stuff can be replaced, Matthew. People can't." Matthew looks a little taken aback at his vehemence, but also kind of touched.

"Can I use your phone to call an Uber?" he asks. "I'll pay you back." Leon starts to reach for his pocket, but pauses. Matthew raises his eyebrows, then looks like he regrets it when the movement pulls at the cut.

"Or," Leon says, "You could stay." There's another stretch of silence.

"Do you—do you want me to stay?" Matthew finally asks. He sounds...hopeful?

"Yes," Leon hears himself answer. "I want you to stay."

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

so since p3r's been out for a while, if you had to choose one and only one thing to change about the remake, what would it be? (I said change not add, so no femc option or og music option lol)

NO SPOILERS (I'm mostly gonna talk about gameplay mechanics)

(Just an FYI how far I've been able to get through P3R with my current sched, I just watched Junpei's believe it or don't Shinji just saved us in the back alley).

I mean if a change is just replacing, rather than adding onto it......

FeMC route instead of P3MC's route. 8U (can't do that with Answer, I mean you can but I'd just have a game about a group of teens bitching at each other for like 5 hours instead of 80 ajlfkdjsf) Same can be said about OG music over new I guess jaskdflafj

But that's not really playing fair so......

Bringing back the key mechanics of Tartarus (aka fatigue and split up).

If not that then.......either bringing back randomizing floors each time (and doing away with fixed for the night floors).....OR getting rid of those fucking Twilight fragments/having the damn clock have the option for monetary spending.

I do not like the twilight fragments, and I find grinding for money early on to be worse than any of the other versions.

Like fr my bf goes to sleep, I've been booting up P3 (OG) and I'm going through Tartarus, and.....I like it more. I think P3R obvie has the better presentation, but just......having the option to run up and down floors and snagging cases filled with money (with tired and no teammates left) feel less grindy or an issue than me running up all the floors hitting those damn breakables hoping for a piece of item that I can sell (for a shit price too). (P3P makes it a tad bit less grindy by keeping teammates there and not having the tired aspect until you leave, AND actually giving you the damn money when they find it TT0TT) But the time I spent playing Vanilla I got A LOT more money saved up than I did in P3R....even after I left and sold all my shit too (both are being played on normal mode). TT0TT I'm not even finished with my run, I still have the dumb driver to kill (and all my teammates have left so woot......solo fight 8U)

I also just think the shiny gold chest is like.....more pleasing to the eye than those damn locked chest. They just put that in there cause P4 and P5 had them, but their thing is less of an issue getting those keys than P3R.

So far you only get TF's if: Liz gives them to you passively, You find them walking around, or you happen across a breakable in Tartarus. (maybe more are possible later, maybe you can grow them, maybe the Fortune teller gives you a boost I dunno)

P5/R you can make those lock picks, and you're encourage to just......make a lot of thief stuff (you get an item and it boost your stats).

P4 is a bit more of an issue, you get them by defeating rare enemies, and iirc you can get two of these keys on rainy days if you go to the capsule machine outside the item store (best way to get them).

P4G makes it a bit easier by giving you growable keys iirc. Which makes it easily passive.

But what P5/R/4/G lack that doesn't make this as much of an issues as P3R is.........those are ONLY for locked chests. It's not ALSO for HEALING. TT0TT And so far for not a way to get them easily (as far as I know atm) it's like......no I shouldn't waste it on healing.

And maybe it's all a ploy to force me to use other characters. Well....they have another thing coming buster, I'm dropping some of these chars the second I'm able to cause I only wanna play with my favs. But I guess it's nice to just use Yukari as a healing fountain instead. Doesn't solve my SP issue but eh......just having to buy a shit ton of mad bulls.

I dunno I just feel like...I have more CHOICE in OG/FES/P3P (and while those have their own little quirks, it's mostly just if they made it easier on you to exploit or not).

Btw I don't really......hate the new Tartarus, it's just different and I'm not used to it. I mean it doesn't help they removed things I did like and replaced it with things that make me go 🤨 Some are good, some are frustrating (ex of good: compendium first day???? amazing, why did it take this long, should've at least been a thing in P3P??? they adopted so much from P4 but not that???) So there's growing pains with that. And I REALLY don't like Twilight fragments. If they just gave me the option to pay with TFs or money at the clock that would be better (I mean money is already an issue in this fucking thing anyway TT0TT)

So yeah like....one of those would be nice on my sanity sljfdlkjfj

[fallencrowkarma]

AAAAHHH I FORGOT TO DELETE THE ANON OPTION- ANYWAYS HOOYAAA!! I'm the anon who send those concepts for Panta and Sandry. You do NOT understand how much your art made me improve mine- like, such good food- anywho-

In my GI AU/rewrite, I have to make new looks for the characters and it's been hectic. Not to mention some are trashed and others merged- and given new names (pre-existent and OG)- it's a long story as to why that is.

But! You too have gotten me out of my own block as a writer, and seeing your art made me go back to drafting, so thanks! If you want to discuss about our respective designs and exchange ideas, you can just DM me whenever. [No pressure, and you don't gotta answer this ask if it's too much! Wish you luck!]

LMAOO THATS OKAY!! Panta and Sandy i Love those nicknames ldjdjfjfbfj and thank you aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

That genshin Au/rewrite Sounds super interesting tho i'm all 👀👀👀👀 i totally get how hectic that is. Even Just slightly changing characters Is a Lot of Work. I spent hours on my nahida redesign so i can't imagine changing even more characters and other stuff on top of that.

I am very Happy to hear that!!! I would absolutely Love to discuss that stuff, although perhaps at a later time. I Work 35-40 hours a week atm so i am Out of social Energy mostly. But!! i do start uni next month so i will have much more freetime then since my Work hours will be pretty much Cut down half. Once i'm settled in the new Routine i'm totally down to discuss and Share ideas!!

[coatabyss]

OK ALRIGHT DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU

1. just my mom

2. probably my mom

3. yes a lot !

4. yes absolutely

5. single

6. uhh very un painfully so like maybe getting drunk and succumbing to hypothermia

7. TUNA SAMMICH

8. hell no

9. only to clean them up

10. never been in an actual one

11. shuichi saihara (not atm)

12. no but i probably got close

13. yes lots of people (refer to question 1) (just realized this sounds like i hate my mom. not true i hate the sperm donor)

14. yea :/

15. yes a dog and she beats me up every day

16. uhh my heads starting to hurt from laying down too long and my feet are really cold and i cant get them warm so kinda agitated but not rlly im chillin

17. no (celibacy sweep)

18. yea :/ wish i wasnt

19. absolutely !! i rlly want to go back to 2006 and walk around my town

20. refer to 17

21. grocery shopping

22. no fuck no

23. yeah just my earlobes but i want more. actually i got a helix piercing when i was 12 but i took the earring out early and lost it and we never got a replacement so the hole closed. very painful experience

24. i sucked at everything in school besides like art and a web development class (the only class in hs i got an A in lmaooo (they didnt assign me an art class in hs though :/ ))

25. yeah i have a lot of friends i wish i still talked to

26. NOTHINGGGG and it sucks bc its dinner time and i have to eat something uggh

27. this actually reminds me i had a "friend" in middle school and we were sitting with our two other friends at the same table during health class and talking abt what we got for christmas so i mentioned i got the new pokemon game and he was like 'oh nice. you should show me how to play sometime haha' and i was like 'i mean i guess but i dont know what the fuck im doing this is my first pokemon game' .like we never actually hung out one on one before it was usually just in large groups of friends so i was like 'weird. anyway'. but ya i didnt realize he was kind of flirting with me until like three years later when i also realized he'd be the only one in the group to go with me into hot topic and talk abt anime stuff. and i haven't spoken to him since so um. yeah probably. i feel rlly bad abt that. but also not rlly bc he was kind of a dick so whatever. i hope some of that made sense

28. no and if i was i'd ruin their life

29. n/a

30. refer to 16

31. a lot do and i love them too

32. i think its call aegean blue?? idk its one of the darker discord default role colors. also maroon

33. yeah :/

34. shit i dont even remember

35. my mom probably lol

36. hmm. maybe??? i dont think i do anymore but i absolutely did before

37. forget. i dont remember how that one meme goes but im the epitome of 'i wont forgive but ill always forget' IDK but i dont forgive easy for certain people (ill act like it though)

38. no it better not be

39. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT

40. maybe as a baby??

41. hey they missed like 10 questions what the hell. this is like 61 questions not 70

51. chicken pot pie. specifically from the great escape in schiller park, chicago, illinois, USA.

52. uhh i guess but probably not in the way the questions asking

53. probably scrolled on this god forsaken app for an hour

54. in very specific circumstances. like if ur in an abusive relationship you really cant get out of or something ur forced into. but even then i dont think i'd really consider that cheating.

55. probably a lot but i dont try to be

56. noneee but i kinda want to just to see how i'll do (i will be heavily injured)

57. yeah sure

58. answered in a different rb

59. yea !

60. no i rlly rlly dont

61. hm. hmmmmm maybe depending on who

62. my friends

63. already did babey :]

64. n/a

65. say no as i am not looking for a relationship at the moment

66. nah

67. uhh fucj man idk uhhhh my neighbor??

68. uhh jay mayb idk how deep that convo was though

69. maybe. i like thinking abt it

70. yes friends and some family (a lot of them are shitty dont come for me D:)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 and 70 for the ask game please!! ^_^

[lesbijkas]

weird question but like you used to be into ham//ilto//n right..? why did you stop?

this is. a loaded question, wow.it's basically this: the fandom kind of it spoiled it. a lot. when it first came out, it was great. I loved seeing the increased interest in Lin Manuel Miranda's work (since in the heights is bomb) and in history in general!! American history isn't my thing tbh, but Lin did a great job with making it somewhat accurate and a lot of fun for a bunch of different people. the music is still really, really good. I listen to it every now and again. I still have and wear the t-shirt I got when I saw it. it sometimes comes up in casual conversation. it became one of those common pop culture things that if someone brings it up, most people have a general idea about it because of how popular it got.and that's great.but the internet is. Bad. and that caught up to Ham.ilton quicker than I probably even know. I know I used to reblog the occasional art piece and shit, because again: it is a good musical and the art that was done is really great!! there's a lot of stuff I even found funny at the time (there's this one comic I know I reblogged forever ago that's about the duel between B.urr & Ham.ilton where the later wears the "sexy halloween" costume version of the uniform?? it was dumb, and it gave me a laugh when I first saw it)then it turned into discourse, and there was fanfiction of many kinds. that isn't good. as well as art, and AU's, and "real people fandom" stuff that seemed to overtake a LOT. it wasn't enjoyable or fun anymore, because there is a line between fun and wrong many people crossed.when it got to the point that I'd reblog something and get messages that the creator did/said/made whatever that was bad or "problematic," I stopped because it wasn't worth it. it wasn't worth going through every blog I wanted to reblog content from to see if they had tried to justify Thom.as J.effer.son being a pastel uwu cloud baby or whatever & the fact he owned slaves was fine; that type of shit was fucked and I wanted no part of it.I know a lot of people didn't do that. they, like me, just thought it was a fun musical, that LMM did a good job with mixing theater and historical knowledge, that the music was different and made for a good show. they made art to admire the sets, and dancing, and costuming, and the diverse cast, and the humor that could be drawn from the show because there were plenty of funny parts, and sad parts, and everything else in between.sadly, for me, some bad eggs spoiled the pot, and I really didn't want to have anything to do with it. I still don't. I have no ill will towards those who do; you shouldn't let bullshit like that spoil your fun if you want to draw Daveed Diggs (or whoever plays him now) as Laf.ayette backflipping to guns and ships or whatever, but I've personally moved on to what I see as greener pastures.

[writeshite]

This is my first time requesting sth and it feels weird, okay-

So, for about a week I had that one idea of a Morpheus/Love!Mmmale Reader, Like hes one of the Primordal Gods-> More important than Morpheus and [...]. ON the point. I wanted to ask for an angst to fluff. Like while Morphy is locked or, Reader, who is married to Morpheus, falls asleep and noone can wake him up, so people(and gods too ofc) slowly Loose their love(Love in as the feeling). AND WE ALL NEED LOVE. So when morpheus then wakes up again he goes back home, cant find his Husband he searches evrywhere, He has a lot of canonly flashbacks and stuff blablabla. After a while he visits the Readers Realm and sees that it's also destroyed blublublub he wakes them up and happy end. I just have I writerblock atm...

If u want to u can add smut but idrc '-' Also its just fine if u dint wanna write that. :D

With greetings

~Luce

It Is Better To Have Loved And Lost (Than Never To Have Loved At All)

Summary:

Among the thousands in existence, you chose him. Took his hands and demanded he ignore the ire of your kin, placed a ring on his finger, and declared yourselves wed. “I am Love; my union ascends all others; we need no blessing nor any witness,” Morpheus remembers laughing, head bumping yours as you swayed with him. “My Love….” he whispered to himself, head hanging; he heaved in a breath, glancing up at the harsh light above; surprising himself, Morpheus prayed. He muttered your name, you were a god, you would answer his prayers, but there was no such luck.

Pairings:

Morpheus x Male!Reader

Tags:

Primordial God Of Love Reader | Angst With A Happy Ending | Sleeping Beauty Elements | Reunions | Flashbacks |

Words: 3981

Author's Note:

Welcome, I adore the request, and as usual, went diving through the internet for some of that good ol' ✨research✨ I also spent way too long reading through Greek Myths, but that was just for my own amusement.

The bleak sandy plains of the dreamworld were one of the last things you saw; the domes and expanses you and Morpheus had once spent hours crafting had fallen, shifting to nothingness as the realm died in its primary ruler’s absence. All around the remains of the palace, dreams faded; the nightmares were not spared this fate, their forms dissipating. Lucienne had long since left, possibly in search of another primordial god, one who could perhaps drag you from your stupor and continue your duties. But how could you, your husband, the very being whose love you’d come to crave, was gone. 

The anguish of the waking world without Morpheus sent you diving into the dreaming world; very few gods ever chose to sleep; you’d only done so before to experience what humans did, and now you did so to dream. To dream of your husband. Of his voice. Of his eyes. Of his love. You slept to dream of what you’d been so unfairly robbed of. It had started simple; you’d lie on your side, eyes distant yet thoughts running, then you’d closed your eyes, relaxed your mind, and the thoughts became a nigh reality. His voice close yet far, the memory of his touch a shiver on your skin - the rush of euphoria had sent you falling from the bed. It had only been a few minutes, and your consciousness - the very being of love - had barely left the world unnoticed then, but now? Now you curled away at every chance. Hours became days, then weeks, and soon enough, you went six, maybe seven months sleeping, all the while the world around you withered, love thinning as your mind turned to slumber.

The higher beings were well aware. At first, they hadn't thought much of it, but now they quivered as they turned against each other, hatred seeping into their celestial domains, and what little devotees they had turned away, they came, begging, screaming, crying, but you turned away. They would hound you with pleas, and you would curl the pillow around your head, block them out and walk into the comfort of your dreams. When the Dreaming decayed further, you simply returned to your domain. The Dreaming decayed, but that did not deter you; your own domain - the Gardens - fared no better. The flowers and trees you’d once adored and tilled with Morpheus wilted around you, and a few of the nightmares and dreams followed you, seeking refuge, unknowingly trading one ill fate for another. Their fear, their frustration, your lament, it all soaked into the Gardens; the plants grew, thorns sprouting forth, fruit rotting, and leaves falling; they caged you away. And you rejoiced, welcoming the isolation.

You slid your arms into Morpheus’ coat - the only one you’d managed to grab before they’d all disintegrated - the sky was a starless blanket, and the once abundant wildlife had twisted into nightmarish creatures - cries reminisce of weeping. The blankets lulled you in, warmth loosening your limbs, your eyes drooped, Morpheus’ soft laugh sounded in your head, your arm stretched out along the bed, and you mumbled his name, eyes finally drifting shut. You opened your eyes to Morpheus, the world around you equal parts a dream and a memory - the Gardens as they once were, golden domes polished, outlandish creatures and fantastical plants greeted you. The echoes of the higher beings outside drifted away as Morpheus took your hand, the memory - many happy moments combined - the dream - Morpheus by your side.

“Elegant as always, my love,” his copy spoke, thumb stroking your cheek.

Your eyes softened at the nickname, love, nothing to many, but to between you and him, the greatest declaration, the assertion that your devotion was returned. 

“My love.”

“My love.”

“My love.”

“My love.”

The words strung through your ears, never going louder, as they brought your mind serenity, he held you close, and you did your best to return the touch. His form felt empty and unreal, but you did not dwell on it; too much introspection and the dream would fall apart. You drew apart, “Shall we head to the terrace?”

You nod, and the world moves; the terrace comes to you, a table laid set, synthetic food lay waiting, aromas you remembered surround you, and the phantom touch of the sun shone brightly as you dined. Books flew at your command, but their pages held no words, at least none you’d understand - gibberish passages replaced the hymns of Apollo - despite that, you read, remembering what it was meant to be.

Morpheus held out his fork, a piece of cake on end; it tasted of nothing and everything, flavors of cakes from eons gone past, merged with imagination and memory as they danced on your tongue. The tastes of the other foods followed the same pattern, but it mattered little to you. 

“My love.”

“My love.”

“My love.”

“My love.”

The echo returned, and you slumped back, thinking of the open foyer in the upper domes; you blinked, finding yourself there. Your head lay in your lover’s lap, his hands combing out the strands of your hair; you began to hum, nothing in particular but your voice carried through. The euphoria returned, imbedded with your love for Morpheus, partial but powerful, your mind drifted into a haze, and you welcomed it.

“Ridiculous,” Morpheus muttered, “Heinous. Betrayal. Blasphemy.”

“We’re going to socialize with others of our kind Morpheus,” you sigh, “not being led to the gallows.”

The endless groans, burying his head in your shoulder blades, he’s still comfortably dressed in his casual attire, whereas you don your signature fit. A pastel neck collar that grew softer as it stretched to your shoulders, parting to showcase your arms, it continued, descending down your body alongside the cape from the collar, slowly morphing into soft feathers at the bottom. Your golden arm braces were heavily detailed in motifs of your domain, and the cloth around your legs began by your belt, split on the sides up to your waist; your legs accompanied your chest, being on full display for all to see. 

“Could we just not stay here?” he asks, and you turn, hands on your hips, and you shake your head.

You open your eyes, smiling to yourself; Morpheus had grumbled about the gathering - fond of very few other cosmic beings - and you’d spent close to a half hour kissing the pout from his face, arriving at the party quite fashionably late. You sat up, finding yourself in the memory of that night, the vision of you and Morpheus, hand in hand, as you spoke to Nyx. Nyx, whose eyes turned to the real you, gaze pitying, “Love —” she called you again, but you shook your head, unwilling for the scene to fade away. She’s swept away, form replaced by memory, the dream is intact again, you enter and dance away the worry. The guilt. And the pain.

Time has no hold here, the only indication of its passing being the interruptions of your kin; Nyx finds her way back in multiple times, star-styled dress drifting behind her. You run, and she chases; you throw what your imagination conjures; sometimes, it’s enough; other times, you have to hide. Her hands always reach out for you, anger and desperation in her gaze.

“Love! Cease these games and awake!” her demand carries over the horizon; you hug your knees; you’re sandwiched among clouds today, watching the primordial night pull at her hair as she searches for you. “Love! Please, we need you, we need Love.”

You place your hand over your ears, lie on your side and bite your lip; her calls die down after the third hour, and you wait another hour before leaving your hiding place. Morpheus appears before you, the copy smiles easy, and you take his hand once more, happy to be free of any disruptions.

Morpheus’ cage allowed him little privilege, his physical form burned at being contained for so long, and he yearned for the Dreaming, his freedom, and you. You, who would lay sweet kisses along his face, tuck a strand of his hair back, and leave a rose in its place. 

“What use do I have for roses?” The flower was devoid of its usual thorns, the petals ruby and soft to the touch, he reached to remove it fully, but you stopped him. Pulling him to sit beside you, you hold his face, tenderly gazing at him, and Morpheus shudders, the adoration surrounding him. 

“They are gifts, testaments to my love,” you’d replied, thumb brushing his cheek, “you so rarely indulge yourself in material possessions; allow yourself this.”

Morpheus smiled to himself; the rose became a fixture in his room, placed in a vase by the bed. You adored leaving flowers in his clothing, little surprises for him to find, something to cheer him up if need be. He’d tried getting you something of equal value, but you’d stopped him, picked him from the ground, and held him in your arms, “I need no other gift than my dream.” His prison has no such luxuries.

“Do be careful, darling,” you’d said to him. 

Morpheus had grinned, “No nightmare could get the better of me, my love.”

“All the same, come back to me in one piece,” you told him, seeing him off with a kiss. 

The last kiss he’d gotten from you, he absent-mindedly reached up to his lips, fingers grazing them; your honeyed aftertaste was fading, as was the usual warmth he felt, the love, it clung uncomfortably around him, as if clinging desperately to this plane. He was thankful to be alone at this moment; what anger he used to mask his despair seemed to slip as he placed his head against the glass of his prison. He traced your name, looping the letters together; he repeated the motion, grounding himself as best he could.

“I love your eyes.”

You’d hold his face ever so lovingly; noses pressed close as you counted the stars you claimed to see. Morpheus would hold you close, head against yours, eyes barely open as you plowed into him.

“I love your voice.”

You liked to hear him speak; the baritone of his voice did wonders when he read to you; you’d work his body as you did the ground, kneading, delving, pulling until his voice grew hoarse and his body became lax.

“I love you.”

Among the thousands in existence, you chose him. Took his hands and demanded he ignore the ire of your kin, placed a ring on his finger, and declared yourselves wed. “I am Love; my union ascends all others; we need no blessing nor any witness,” Morpheus remembers laughing, head bumping yours as you swayed with him.

“My Love….” he whispered to himself, head hanging; he heaved in a breath, glancing up at the harsh light above; surprising himself, Morpheus prayed. He muttered your name, you were a god, you would answer his prayers, but there was no such luck. The love he was adept at sensing was fading, so he sleeps, his only refuge, that which they cannot take from him. He finds himself alone in the dream world; even there, he curls into himself, thinking of you but also of vengeance. 

A century passes, and then another few years before he escapes. Rage is all he feels at first, dissipating only when the younger Burgess is placed under eternal sleep, then its emptiness, uncertainty, and weariness. So long without his tools, he finds himself weak, so long without you, and he finds himself empty. Both leave him feeling uncertain. He returns to the Dreaming to find nothing - no home, no creations, no husband - he finds Lucienne, but she does not meet his gaze at times. When he asks after you, Lucienne grows uneasy, eyes darting and avoiding the question. She teeters on the verge of something, a secret on her tongue, but she says nothing. 

“How do you see through this?”

Morpheus quite liked his helm; having crafted it from the remains of a god, he’d felt proud when he persevered long enough to carve it. “Hang on, I think I’ve got the hang of it now,” you said excitedly. The helm looked out of place on you, but Morpheus paid no mind to that, more focused on the impersonation of him you were performing. You closed your hands behind your back, head high; you deepened your voice and walked forward, “I am the Sandman….” you moved your hands in an arc, fingers spread to emphasize the nickname.

“Are you done?” he asked.

You laughed, pushing the helm up, “Have I offended you, Mr. Sandman?”

“Evidently,” he replied, a small smile on his face; he followed willingly as you dragged him towards you, the helm removed and set aside.

“Oh, how rude of me. Allow me to earn my forgiveness then.”

Lucifer regarded him with mild indifference as he turned to leave; despite the general atmosphere of hell, there was something amiss. Morpheus couldn’t quite put his tongue on it, but the demons and the Lightbringer seemed off, perhaps less emotional than they should be. An odd hypothesis, but “What’s wrong with you?” he asks either way.

“As if you don’t know,” she responded, glaring as if waiting for him to say something. When Morpheus looked at her with confusion, she paused, eyes squinting before she laughed in disbelief, “Come now, Dream King, your games won’t do you any good, not when this affects us all.”

“I don’t understand —”

“Oh, you really don’t know, do you?” She grins wickedly, dismissing him with a wave of her hand; Morpheus leaves hell more confused than when he entered. Retrieving the Ruby leaves him exhausted, and Morpheus becomes acutely aware of a dull feeling, the rush of his powers again covers it, but when he focuses on it, he finds it, the hole in his being; it’s not until his hostile reunion with Desire that he understands what is amiss. Love, there was no love. This became ever more clear as he watched the humans; the park he’d fed birds at wasn’t crowded; the few people that were around seemed robotic; some still moved about as they should, but sometimes, they would stop, as a collective, expressions downcast as if in mourning. The children are perhaps the worst off, some of them cry, and their parents, the adults around them, almost don’t care, numb to their spawns.

“You know then?” Lucienne’s question drew his attention; she stood solemnly beside him, having appeared with another - Nyx, the Night - her usual starry appearance was as empty as a cloudy night sky. 

“I know as much as I knew when I regained my freedom,” he replies, “yet, I know little of my husband. Where is he?”

“In a prison of his own making,” Nyx spoke, voice equal parts exhausted and full of rage, “though I am remiss to consider it that anymore.”

“These cryptic answers give me nothing but headaches,” he grimaces.

Nyx fully turns to him, and Lucienne steps back, the primordial goddess is not one to be angered, but Morpheus has grown weary - every other person he’s come across knows, every single one making it clear it involves you - yet they refuse to explain. 

“It’s best if you see for yourself,” Nyx tells him.

Morpheus remembers the first time he stepped foot in the Gardens, an accident really, at a time when the cosmos was relatively young, you’d been in the midst of ‘borrowing’ a few animals from the early Earth. He remembers how sheepish you’d looked when he’d bumped into you, dinosaur egg terribly stashed away, “I’m preserving them,” you’d defended, clutching the eggs to your person, “besides, Gaia will have them dead in a few millennia, what harm would it do to keep a few?”

You always were handsome, even when thieving things from another’s domain. You’d been caught, of course; Gaia was the more observant of the primordials, but it had been fun, and he’d joined you on many more ‘preservation trips.’ The Gardens had been a sight to behold then; what could have been and what had been grew unhindered, kept beneath your domes and around the domain; they remained forever new, never wilting, nothing like the Gardens he saw now. The entrance was covered in tall thorny branches; wilted, unhealthy roses sprung from them, some reaching out to attack anything that got too close on either side - over that, he spotted movement, the animals you’d once adored had been replaced by monstrosities, their shrieking howls reverberating around him. 

“He’s been asleep all this time? Did none of you think to wake him or check on him?”

“You think we haven’t?! We can’t get past this; the only way I’ve been able to see him is in his dreams, a feat already difficult given your previous predicament,” Nyx seethes at him. “He refuses to wake.”

“No –he wouldn’t —I don’t believe you,” Morpheus turns his back on them.

Lucienne sighs, “Love’s been disappearing in the world; there’s no solution, none that we’ve found —wait!”

Morpheus had slowly been moving towards the branches and, at Lucienne’s call, had climbed over one; he shifted the size of his body, jumping, and ducking over the obstacles, all the while ignoring the warnings from his companions. He stumbled through to the other side; the creatures turned in his direction; Morpheus trekked past them slowly, always sure to keep them in his sight, growing antsy the further he made it into the Gardens. The first attack came from a flying beast, Morpheus had bumped into one of the columns, and the sound seemed to have been enough incentive to launch an attack on the endless. It dug its talons into his sleeve, making off with a good chunk of it when he swatted it away. The ones closer to land pounced at him, claws and teeth ready to make a meal of him.

They bite at his heels, and no amount of sand will put them to sleep. He looks around, mind racing to plan an escape; most of the stairs have decayed, and the only way into a majority of the structures seems to be climbing; he picks one of the lower domes - with broken windows, and a tree already crashed into it, he makes haste, ignoring the gathered animals below him as they reach up. He’s even happier when they don’t follow him, turning their backs, as Morpheus does the same. The interiors are just as altered, portraits covered in dust as vines crawl their way along their frames, and the plants are as twisted inside as they are outside. The carpets curl along their tears; Morpheus notes the silence, the occasional sound from outside coming through.

Your chambers were the only safe haven, unchanged as they were; the doors squealed as he entered. Your body lay beneath the covers, his coat around you, and the curtains drawn shut; the closer he got to you, the less dull he felt. The retreated love was here, amplified tenfold into whatever dream you were in. He shook your shoulder, calling your name, but you remained asleep, snuffling and rolling over, “Darling, please, you must awake,” he tried.

No response.

You smiled, mumbling his name, and snuggling further into the duvet. Dreams, you were trapped in your dreams; you needed to step out from the dreams. Morpheus positioned himself more comfortably, “Sorry for the intrusion,” he says before entering your dream.

He falls. Fast and without control, it takes him a moment to gain it, and when he does, he meets the ground far softer. The world around him is the Gardens as they were; he hears music and heads towards it, but the world doesn’t allow him, it redirects him away, and Morpheus has to assert his control. Vines shoot out to hold him back, but he persists, tripping over them onto a terrace to see you laid back with him, correction an imagined him - the details are near identical, but Morpheus, on account of the mob of beasts, is far more rugged in appearance. 

“Love?” He calls out, and you look at him, surprised to see him; the imagined him vanishes as you stand and back away.

“This is cold, by a lot of standards, this is very cold,” you mumble, “imitating my husband so you can drag me back into the waking world.”

“Imitat —no love, it’s me, I swear,” he reaches out, but you almost flinch, backing away further from him. 

“No, you’re not because he’s not here, he’s gone, and I can’t do a thing about it. So just turn around and leave me be.” He steps closer, and you step back, circling each other and getting nowhere; he reaches out at times but your retreat, using the dream space to keep him away. “You’re persistent; I’ll give you that.”

“I persist because —”

You hold out your hands in a shushing motion, “No, I don’t want to hear it; I’m sick of the fabricated nonsense you’ve all said.” You turn away from him, swinging one leg over the balcony, but Morpheus reaches out, dragging you back by your shirt - you topple into him, landing atop him; you twist around and pin his arms in the air, now thoroughly frustrated. “Why can’t you just fuck off?!”

“Because I want my husband awake,” he replies.

“Stop it! You are not my Morpheus. You’re just some cheap knockoff!” 

He winces when your grip becomes tight, the searing burn of your powers on his arms, “Please love, I swear it’s me,” he pleads, “Look at my eyes, really look at them.” Even with the power of imagination, nothing quite captured Morpheus’ eyes; you squinted your eyes and shook your head, expression morphing away from wrath.

“No, this has to be a trick; I can’t fall for this again; I don’t think I could bare it….” You say, grip becoming loose again. He sits up slowly, wrangling his arms free, your own moving to hold your heads, “....I can’t….please….don’t make me….” you sobbed.

Morpheus calmly moved your hands aside, now holding your face, “Love,” he calls your attention once more when you refuse to meet his gaze, “I assure you, as I live and breath, I am real.” 

“You can’t be; it’s —” you’re still crying, words cut out and muddled as the sobs wracked your body. 

“I am real,” he repeats. Morpheus recites the words as many times as it takes, always keeping your gazes locked; after once such repeat, your hand comes up to his face, thumb rubbing softly against his skin. Your eyes widen, “See,” he says, bringing your hand back and kissing it, “real.” It’s a rush when you collide with him, clinging to him desperately, “Now, will you wake up for me, my Love?”

You shake your head, “What if you’re not there? Even if this isn’t a trick, it could just be me,” you lamented, “me and my madness.”

“No love, I promise, if you open your eyes, I will be there,” he reassures you; you’re closer now; the silver of his eyes shines with determination; he leans closer, “and I won’t ever leave you again.” He closes the gap; at first, you’re in shock, but then you cling to him, hands fisted in his shirt, your eyes shut to the dream and open to the waking world. As he’d promised, Morpheus was there; you reach out hesitantly, and when he is as tangible as he were in the dream, you gasp, gathering him in your arms as he awakes. 

He holds you, placing kisses on your head as you weep happily; you draw back and kiss him. Morpheus feels the overwhelming rush of love; the hollowness is easily filled as he reciprocates, laughs shared between moments as you rejoice in your reunion.

End Note:

I rewrote this like three times before I was happy with it lmao 🤣 Stay Hydrated.

[genderkoolaid]

I have some experiences w transandrophobia, not many because I'm still closeted. Sorry if my writing is a little bad but this isn't my first language.

* when I tried to come out to a friend who was an out bi (cis) girl, she immediately started questioning me and invalidating my identity, she said that even if girls can be boyish that doesn't mean we're men.

I think ableism was involved because I'm autistic so she may think I'm confused because of my autism. She did validate a neurotypical person who came out as genderfluid to her.

Might also be that this person mostly identified as a girl, so ig she saw them as girl lite since she was also loud about men being bad.

* I used to go on this forum site, I liked to talk about feminism sometimes, the space was dominated by cis women. The other trans men who talked there all kinda felt like an afterthought so we actually barely interacted. I once tried explaining that it shouldn't be that way but I got harassed... Many people there held TERFy views aswell.

* I used to own a diary when I was around 15, when I was sure I was a trans man so I wrote down all my feelings cuz I thought I'd have privacy with it,

I got into some unrelated fights with my grandma so she opened my diary and took photos of all the pages while I was at school, thus outing me. I was going with a psychologist atm to get an autism diagnosis, but I heard her talking to the psychologist telling her about me identifying as a man. She was begging her to help me because "I wasn't like that as a child" and that "I got corrupted by the stupid people I talked with".

the psychologist made me draw a person so I drew a random girl, she started asking me if I identified with the girl, if I was attracted to men, if I liked being girly and girly stuff... I didn't answer because I got really uncomfortable. Luckily the hour was over so she let me go. My grandma keeps telling me that I'm a pretty girl very often and keeps hinting at trans men not being real and overall transphobic things to me since that day.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[captaincryolicious]

Visiting Ikea with him!

➳ Zhongli, Kaeya, Childe, Diluc, Albedo (seperatedly) x gn!reader

➳ Headcanons ; 1.7k

➳ Modern au, comedy+fluff ; Just the usual suggestive jokes in Kaeya's part lol.

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to visit Ikea with him? [O7.O7.2O21]

content under the cut | masterlist

✧ Zhongli

There is no particular reason for your visit to Ikea, but does one need a reason to visit Ikea? 

Exactly, no.

While you see it as just a fun day out, Zhongli would half-seriously view it as a cultural trip lol. 

I mean to be fair I can't really blame him since Ikea displays so many various styles and designs and atmospheres among furniture and accessories.

Your visit with him is the longest out of everyone you have ever visited the store with, probably because he walks around like it's a museum. 

This man didn't bother to take a shopping cart but you don't really mind since you can walk through the store hand-in-hand now! Which was exactly Zhongli's intention when he deliberately ignored the option to take a cart at the entrance. 

So Ikea always makes these showrooms where they set up completely furnished kitchens, bedrooms, offices, living rooms, etc. and he looks at all these set-ups and admires them I do too because they often look really cool and there's obviously effort and thought put into them.

After a while you want a bit more action, though, so you drag him along to try out the huge variety of chairs they have on offer. 

Initially he's like ??? but he plays along anyway, giving his in-depth opinion on the chairs he tries and enjoying the way his descriptions make you laugh. 

Especially when he graciously sits down on a kiddy chair in the shape of a frog and he struggles to maintain a straight face as he shares his refined thoughts on the tiny piece of furniture.

No but imagine him sitting on a lime green frog chair that's waaay too small for him while describing it using words all big and fancy?? 

Zhongli is a very serious man most of the time, so seeing his more playful side show today is cute in your eyes and makes you very happy uwu. 

A few hours and probably a hundred chairs later, you head to the exit of the mega store, but not before you got him a cute little dragon plushie!

✧ Kaeya

In celebration of moving to a new office, Kaeya takes you with him to Ikea so you can get new stuff together.

With him, going out can either go normal or not normal at all, and you wonder what today is gonna be like. It all depends on how serious Kaeya's mood is. 

You find your answer pretty soon.

Upon arriving, he instantly starts picking up the strangest stuff and goes like "look, imagine Jean's face if I put this in my office." 

Some of the stuff among the items he points out include a broccoli shaped lamp, a bright pink little chair with glitters, a snail plushie, a race car-themed stationery set, and so on. 

Ends up actually taking the little glitter chair with him for the occasions he has to watch over Klee. 

So Ikeas have like, small plastic containers with those tiny pencils everywhere throughout the store right? 

Kaeya totally grabs a few every time he spots a container and by the time you leave the store he has like, forty of them a friend of mine always does this smh

It's because of that friend that I also have like, fifty of these pencils in my bedroom atm

Free office supplies is his excuse. 

Also, brace yourself when you reach the sleep department with beds, mattresses and other stuff related to that.  

"Hey, Y/N, let's test out this bed."

wHY IS HE SOunding like that in a public place with people everywhere around you!? Hello?! Does Kaeya Alberich not have shame?!

You can instantly answer your own question. 

He doesn't!

"You don't need a bed in your office," you scold him, dragging him away and to the next department.  

"That's right, my desk also works really well," he replies, enjoying the way you turn bright red and utterly flustered.  

His shit-eating grin, though.

Okay but after that he tones it down a little, not wanting to genuinely piss you off or make you uncomfortable. After all, he still wants it to be a fun day out for you! 

Treats you to ice cream in the restaurant and acts all sweet and funny until you're smiley again uwu.

✧ Childe

Going to Ikea is totally his idea!! He suggests it to you and you are on board immediately because it's fun so why not?? 

The two lovely idiots (/j) who decide to show up right when it's opening time so they can go in immediately but accidentally get the time wrong and end up being an hour too early. 

Oops, now you have to wait in the empty parking lot for a full hour– but like, you have Childe with you so it's fun anyway.

Childe really turns an Ikea visit into a fun day out! Not serious in the slightest bit, just there to have a good time lol. 

I'm not sure if all Ikeas have this but the ones I've been to have these arrow stickers on the floor to make a set walking direction but Childe happily walks into the opposite direction of the arrows.

You two are just goofing around a bit, but not enough for it to become bothersome to others.

He pulls you into one of those bedroom showrooms that are kinda secluded from the path and places a finger against your lips to keep you quiet.

The way your heartbeat goes 📈📈

Turns out he just wants to make plans with you to secretly infiltrare Småland?? (yk, the playground where parents can drop their kids)

This guy… (you are close to agreeing, though)

Insists to buy many plushies (secretly planning to give them all to you once you're home) (but like, you sleep in the same bed anyway so it's not like it really matters who is the lawful owner of the plushies??)

So you actually end up with a shopping cart filled to the brim with plushies in all shapes, sizes and colors and you have to fight the urge to jump into the cart as well and have Childe push you around.

Okay but he totally would!

Imagine the cashier's face when you dump a shitload of fluffy and cute plushies on the counter lmao. 

Goodluck fitting them all in whatever vehicle you used to get there!!

✧ Diluc

Going to Ikea would be his idea, mostly because he's aiming to refresh the interior of the Dawn Winery and maybe Angel's Share a little bit. 

Finally replacing the weird vase.

Asks you to come with him so it becomes more of a fun day out and less of a mandatory thing that needs to happen without a fun factor.

No but I can't help but think about the attention you draw when pulling into the parking lot with a sleek black car with tinted windows, even more when Diluc gets out and then proceeds to open the door for you because hello?? Fancy sports car with an insanely handsome man? Oh boy, you feel like you're some kind of celebrity couple lol. 

Jokes aside though, I would definitely pause for a moment if I visited Ikea and would spot a Diluc in the parking lot!! 

He is very serious at first, walking around slowly and his eyes skimming the products in search of something that might look good in the winery. 

His shopping cart remains empty for the longest time, though, so you decide to help him out a bit by tossing stuff into it while he isn't looking. 

There's nothing discreet about what you're doing so Diluc instantly notices lmao. Buuut he's amused at your attempt and just allows you to do your thing. 

He can tell from the items you pick that you are seriously thinking it through and he trusts your sense of style, especially since you're in the winery almost just as much as he is so you know the interior very well. 

Adores the way you are so adamant on helping him out, he finds it endearing uwu. 

See? This is why Diluc brought you along! You turn it into a fun happening and he finds himself quite enjoying this little shopping trip. 

Also, goes a little red when you unexpectedly turn around and catch him looking at you with a soft smile. But he won't stop smiling!

Wonders if there's more buildings or rooms that need an upgrade, so he has an excuse to go again in the near future. 

✧ Albedo

The alchemist wouldn't be the biggest fan of fun days out and you know that, so you bribe him into going with you by telling him you direly need new stuff and also need him to go with you. 

You don't, you just want to go to Ikea lol. 

But he would go with you anyway. If he had to name something that was worth abandoning his research and experiments for, it was spending time with you!! 

Klee also tags along, but as soon as she spots the entrance to Småland at the beginning, she insists on going there to play with the other kids. 

She gives Dodoco to Albedo because she doesn't want to lose or hurt Dodoco in the ball pit uwu. 

Imagine him carrying Dodoco around? I'm soft.

He enjoys watching you dart around and point at items you like, so you see him smile more often today than usual. He loves your excitement!

Albedo is smart, so he saw right through you when you asked him to come along. He knows you don't need anything in particular, and the way you roam around aimlessly confirms his suspicions. He doesn't mind, though. He just accompanies you while trying to understand the fun factor of a massive furniture store? 

Soon he realizes that for him, there is no particular fun factor in the store itself, but you bring the fun to this place and he finds himself having a good time too!

He sometimes frowns slightly at the items you place into the cart, especially when you bring back a bunny-shaped lamp. You tell him it's for Klee but you are definitely planning to place it in the alchemist's lab and see how long it will take for him to notice. 

You two spend quite some time at the shelves with plushies to pick one for Klee, and end up buying two because you can't choose between your personal favorites. 

Albedo definitely wants to go to the restaurant after to get some desserts and refuses to go home without going there!

[thegeminisage]

ASK MEME

i got tagged by @runawaymarbles, tyvm i lov doing these

What book are you currently reading?

no books atm but i'm actually getting through the entire tag of a rarepair from ff13...only 41 fics :(

What’s your favorite movie you saw in theatres this year?

did i go to a theater this year...? surely at least once. OH YEAH i went to see sonic 2. since that's the only movie i saw in theaters this year that'll be my favorite one

What do you usually wear?

comfy-at-home clothes: tank top, shorts, no-show socks, hair fork, & bandana. out & about clothes: bandana & hair fork if i'm working or my hair needs washing, otherwise i keep it loose. a lot of black pants/shorts and bright glittery monochrome or tye-dye tank tops w/ black or rainbow choker, rainbow earrings, pride bracelet, smiley face ring, rainbow ring, ace ring, and sometimes my triforce necklace. if it's cold i will also wear rainbow arm warmers/socks and fingerless gloves with the pink peace symbols on them. if i'm REALLY dressing up i will wear rainbow tights under a long shirt or short dress. wow sorry this is the longest answer so far i just really love bright fashion!!! i can't believe god nerfed me by making plus sized clothes fucking suck so bad

How tall are you?

5’1 :/

What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

i think i'm actually a cancer LMFAO. and stuck with this username...idk about any celebrities but my birthday IS on the summer solstice which is absolutely bitchin' in my professional opinion. i could not possibly have asked for a better date although i do wish it didn't have to fall on father's day sometimes

Do you go by your name or a nick-name?

i go by liz which is not my legal first name. technically my legal middle name isn't liz either it's like elizabeth obviously but my first name is cringefail and nobody can spell it OR say it so i just don't tell most people what it is lol. i started going by liz when i was in 8th grade and sometimes my mom STILL messes it up...

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

no BUT as a kid i really really really really REALLY wanted pink hair. as an adult no one can stop me. kid me would be so jealous of adult me's look in EVERY way

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

good at: dreaming. you know how in the 40s-60s most people dreamed in black and white because that was how tv looked? apparently if you play enough video games you'll get so good at controlling a simulated environment you can simply wake up on command. i never completely mastered lucid dreaming but it's a neat trick anyway. bad at: sleeping. exhibit a: i am answering this meme at 2:30 in the fucking morning, and i have not had 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep since december 10. that's like 28 days!

Dogs or cats?

CATS!!!!!!! i like dogs too tho

What’s something you would like to create stuff for?

i would love to draw some zelda art. i just need a new tablet sadly none of the old ones work with my pc

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

UGH i can't post it, it's in the undisclosed project

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

so a very long time ago when we were teenagers my brother showed me minecraft. i played half an hour of it and then gave the controller back and told him i couldn't keep going because i would quite literally never put it down if i did. unfortunately i did NOT show that same level of foresight and self-restraint when downloading the demo of SLIME RANCHER. in my defense i was utterly unprepared for its sheer potency. i played exactly four minutes of the demo before i caved and bought it - $5 was a steal - without realizing how absolutely lethal it is to combine adhd with a farming sim especially during seasonal depression months. this thing has been churning out dopamine so fast my stupid little rat brain can't keep up. i'm frying every last pleasure receptor i ever had as thoroughly as i possibly can. i am begging one of you to physically come to my house and uninstall it from my pc.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

andor 🙏 sorry to all andor enjoyers but it fucking sucked (except for the prison break)

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

i'm freakishly good at packing things. items into boxes, boxes into vehicles, organizing drawers and closets, etc. at my house we call it "tetrising" since i guess that's a pro gamer move that translates to the real world..................

Are you religious?

no i am disqualified for being gay <3

What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

a completed copy of this photo album i'm supposed to be making. i got behind bc i was playing slime rancher :(

ok im tagging @slaygentford @maulthots @brownbicon @machidielontheway @paty-ofarrell @ozymandiasdirge @moogleterra @marcelgerard @elsa12tmnt @smellslikebot @youngbenkenobi and anyone else who wants to do it, do it & say i tagged you!!

[i-am-beckyu]

yeah you've got fake fic prompts of mine still in the works, yeah you're still working on important things, but have more questions

deserted island edition ✨ food and water are all squared away

what book are you taking with you?

you can only watch one show on loop (on your own time), what is it?

you can only watch one movie on loop (on your own time), take your pick

five songs, go!

you can get a free dessert that you can have once a month. what is it?

your captor(s) let you have fast food once. what's your pick?

you find materials to make a structure. are you making a shelter or something else?

before you leave, you get your person pick of six items. what are they?

you're given paper and pencil, are you writing or drawing? you can not do both.

you get an animal to accompany you! what is it? :D

you get internet for six hours. what're you wasting your time on the most?

are you fishing in the water or hunting on land? doing none of that and growing a garden?

are you sending an sos secretly or just waiting to see where this all takes you?

what's the first thing you're doing when you get off of the island?

would you rather be alone the entire time or only have the annoying company of your captor(s)?

💃🕺

answer whenever you have the time btw !! get caught up with real life before you go cracking into the online stuff <3<3

Yes!! Hello Brick!

I am so sorry the prompts are taking so long to finish. Work is being extremely difficult atm and draining a lot of my energy and motivation to do anything but sleep so trying to prioritise has been rough writing wise especially with finishing my secret santa prompt on time! When its done, I should get out the fake fic titles next.

As for this, this I have some energy for!

what book are you taking with you? Since I assume ao3 doesn't count, Knife by R.J Anderson (will forever be my favourite written book)

you can only watch one show on loop (on your own time), what is it? mmmmm probably Friends because that's long and hilarious.

you can only watch one movie on loop (on your own time), take your pick Mmmmmmm either Pixars Luca or Newsies the broadway musical (I watch those soooooo often)

five songs, go! Have the links too: Figure it out , New Zealand, Get used to it, Calm and I can talk

you can get a free dessert that you can have once a month. what is it? double scoop coffee and pistachio icecream (I love that combo and I call it Cappacio)

your captor(s) let you have fast food once. what's your pick? KFC

you find materials to make a structure. are you making a shelter or something else? Shelter

before you leave, you get your person pick of six items. what are they? well if I'm on an island, medical kit, book on survival, warm and rain proof jacket, a metal water bottle, lighter, knife. (ironically I have all these things in my room so this would be possible if I was taken lol)

you're given paper and pencil, are you writing or drawing? you can not do both. Probably write.

you get an animal to accompany you! what is it? :D if we're talking domestic, dog. But if I could train one that wasn't gonna eat me, tiger :3

you get internet for six hours. what're you wasting your time on the most? ao3. A girls gotta read fics.

are you fishing in the water or hunting on land? doing none of that and growing a garden? mmm probably all 3. I'd have nothing better to do and all 3 would be beneficial for survival. Fishing would be safer than hunting tho I would think.

are you sending an sos secretly or just waiting to see where this all takes you? if the opportunity supplied itself and I was smart about it, send an sos secretly.

what's the first thing you're doing when you get off of the island? Get a hug from my Dad. I like his hugs.

would you rather be alone the entire time or only have the annoying company of your captor(s)? Company. I think I'd go insane on my own. I'm a people person

Thank you for the questions Brick! I'm sorry I'm not able to be as active as usual, but thank you for being understanding of that lovely thing we call ✨L I F E✨