#and am hesitant to make friends bc all my experiences in my childhood told me not to trust people

[pwurrz]

holy self esteem issues, batman!!!!

[honey-makki]

Firsts

Characters: Tsukishima Kei X Fem!Reader

Summary: Fate works in mysterious ways to bring people who are destined to be together, to actually be together. 

Warnings: Sex!! blow jobs, face riding, virginity loss 

Genre: fluff, smut

Word Count: 5k

A/N: Well this started as a drabble request but here I am a week later with a 5k fic about it. Soft tsukki inbound. I hope you enjoy @salty4tsukki bc I def enjoyed writing this.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being an only child is not a precursor to being lonely. Memories of family game nights, shared dinners and movies watched filled the air of your house letting you know that you were both never alone and, oh, so loved. 

You knew that having as healthy a home environment was unusual and that it was part of the reason that you are so emotionally intelligent. Many of your peers couldn’t stand their parents and found every excuse to avoid being home. Sure, you and your parents had arguments about curfew or the number of texts you sent every month. The last argument happened every time you brought home a grade that was unsatisfactory, which wasn’t often, but consistent enough that it was a recurring problem. 

“I’m just tired of them expecting me to be perfect! It’s unreasonable for them to expect perfect grades, being on a starter for the soccer team, and involved in other clubs! I’m only one person.” You ranted to Tsukki, sulking around his room before plopping on his bed, arms covering your sighing face.  Tsukki was the only person you came to with family problems because you knew he would understand and not push you. The usually sassy boy always softened these days, knowing that this was the one thing that you couldn’t handle being teased about. Today, he looked at you with soft pity, knowing the amount of work you put towards everything just to be told it’s not enough.

“I could tutor you in English if you want? I know we have our usual pre-exam study sessions, but I really don’t mind making them more regular if you think they would help.” Tsukki might listen to you complain but he still isn’t the best at empathy, rather resorting to problem-solving. He showed his care and compassion to you subtly. Offering his solutions in a way you could make them sound like your own, knowing that provided a semblance of comfort. Allowing you into his room whenever you needed to complain and not questioning your feelings. Always offering you a hoodie or jacket when you were worn out from crying, knowing that the warmth would lull you into a much-needed sleep

You knew he cared about you. Yes, sometimes you over exaggerated your feelings to take advantage of that, but only because you wanted his jacket on your body. The thought that it was his arms rather than just a Tsukki scented cloth surrounding you. Only crying a little harder with the hopes he would offer to have a movie night which always meant cuddles. No, you never faked your feelings to him, not wanting to lie to your best friend and consistent childhood companion, you just embellished them.

Relishing in the fact that for maybe, just ten minutes that Tsukki wasn’t just your best friend, that he grew past friends as he aged, and saw you like more, as his other half. The person he wanted to spend not only his childhood years with but also every single one he still had left. 

You aren’t sure when you fell in love with Tsukishima Kei.

It could have been his moment against Shiratorizawa when you saw him truly experience joy for the first time in the sport he spent so much time. It could have been the time he gave you his rain jacket when it was pouring before you walked home, knowing it wouldn’t do much against the downpour, but the barrier being symbolic. It could definitely have been the time you went over to study and you walked in on him singing to himself while studying, the soft tenor notes gracing your ears. You only really remember how his voice made your heart skip a beat, the flush of his ears when he turned around catching your eyes.

All you know is that you were hopelessly in love with the man who had been with you every step, every stumble of your life. The man who towered over you but never made you feel smaller than he, the man that laughed before checking on you when you tripped, but always ensuring you were truly ok. 

Watching him grow into his height and his body gaining muscles during highschool was both a blessing and a curse. Your eyes were drawn to his figure, shoulders hunched over on his desk, deltoids peeking out of the sleeves in a way that made you want more. Yes, you loved looking at him but sometimes it plagued you. 

Eyes scrunched shut and heavy breathing, all you can think about is what Tsukki might look like under those clothes. It was a curse, lewd thoughts of your best friend being the only way you could get off anymore. That didn’t stop you from plunging two fingers in and out for your dripping cunt edging yourself closer to your release. At the precipice, you pull your fingers out and eagerly circle your clit, the other hand moving from gripping the bedsheets to pulling at and groping your nipples. Tsukki’s name leaves your lips like a fervent prayer as you cum to the thought of him. You never felt worse about yourself than you did at this moment, but somehow you found yourself here regularly. 

You didn’t know that at that exact same moment Tsukki was in his room thinking about you. The way your smaller hands would fit around his dick, the hesitation you might experience but be driven forward by lust. The thought of being the first and maybe the only person to touch you always drives him to his release. 

He might have fooled around with some girls before, a handjob here and there, amidst a make-out session, but he could never find it in himself to go further. He couldn’t, no, didn’t want to be with anyone else, because he knew that the whole time he would be thinking about you under him.

As you had aged, sleepovers became less frequent but were something the two of you still cherished and actively made time for. Tonight is one such night, having just finished your final midterms and gorging yourself on celebratory ramen from your favorite shop. Tsukki’s parents were out of town for the week, but were used to your presence in the house and didn’t mind you being over. 

You being there should have been fine, nothing out of the normal but that's not how fate works. 

Once you arrived at his place you both changed into lounge clothes getting ready to binge the latest season of Game of Thrones. You went to the kitchen to grab you both some water, knowing neither of you will want to get up once you start.

Tsukki must have had the same idea because as you rounded the corner of the kitchen, you were met with a brick wall and a frigid wave running through your body. You realized it wasn't through your body when your nipples began to harden, peaking through your now translucent shirt. While you are still shocked at the chill, Tsukki looks down to see what happened. Instead what he sees is you, accidentally exposed, the white shirt clinging to the curve of your body like a second layer of skin.

He knows that if he doesn’t avert his gaze that he won't be able to suppress a rising tent in his pants. Committing the image to memory quickly, he apologizes for being in the way, “Shit Y/N, I’m sorry. Feel free to go grab one of my shirts to change into. I’ll clean the mess up.” With that, he moves towards the kitchen to grab a towel, brushing against your body in the narrow hallway.

You head up to his room and go to his dresser, you’ve watched him put his laundry away before, knowing exactly where he keeps his biggest and most comfortable shirts. You strip off your shirt, skin pebbling at the breeze from his fan. Blushing at the fact you are taking your clothes off in your crush childhood friend room, you strip off your lounge shorts now noticing they also have been soaked.

As you pull his practice jersey on you notice it reaches your midthigh, which causes a brief internal conflict. Should I grab a pair of his shorts even though I know they’ll be too big? This shirt is longer than my shorts were anyways, but it’s not the most decent thing. The deciding factor in opting for no shorts was nothing to do with you, rather with the man waiting patiently downstairs. It had everything to do with the glint of intrigue in Tsukki’s eye you spotted earlier, the almost imperceptible hitch in his breath, and the burning touch he left on your body as he passed you in the hallway. 

Tsukki was not even thinking about what you would look like in his clothes as he had more urgent problems. His cock was achingly hard in his sweatpants, the gray not doing him any favors of hiding how he felt about seeing your body. He was doing everything he could think of to suppress both the thoughts of you and blood rushing downstairs. 

After quickly cleaning up the spill, he got situated on the couch with a blanket hoping it would help hide his current problem as he got it under control. Tsukki spent the remaining time of your absence struggling to distract himself, reciting poetry meditating, anything to not think about it, think about you, think about the curve of your che- fuck he was failing.

His eyes shot open at your weight landing next to him on the couch. Subtly looking over your form, that he now has burned into the back of his eyelids, seeing you drowning in his clothes, his volleyball clothes. Wait, is she just wearing my shirt? His gaze lingering on the soft expanse of your thighs, knowing that he should be able to see the hem of your shorts with the way you are sitting. The thought of you in your underwear almost makes him moan, his already hard dick twitching with precum budding at the tip.

You shoot him a smile, apologizing for taking so long and say you're ready to watch if he is. After some time has passed, the air is nipping at on your still slightly wet skin, you scoot closer to Tsukki and get under the blanket with him. The slight abrasion from his sweats on your skin sent electricity tingling throughout your body and unknowingly did the same to him. 

Reaching forward to grab a glass of water after a particularly gruesome scene, your phone tumbled out of your lap. Not really thinking you lean forward and grab it, slightly raising your ass into the air to reach the last few inches. You plop back down with a grunt and throw your arms open, hoping Tsukki would know that this is your way of saying you needed to take a break from the show for a bit.

Neither of you expected the moan that escaped his lips as you brushed across his now very obvious erection. Neither of you knew what to do after either, he flushed red with embarrassment and hid his face, you with your arm still where it landed on his thigh, unable to move. “Y/N, can you please move?.” he barely chokes out. The obvious restraint in his voice was a sound you had only previously daydreamed of. 

Driven by lust, or excitement, maybe even fear that another opportunity would arise, you do move, but not in the way he had intended. You get up off the couch and he's sure that you are getting ready to leave, disgusted with him, but instead, you settle in on your knees between his thighs. Doey-eyes looking up through your lashes with hesitant excitement. “Ok, I’ve moved, what next?”

Is the one thing he dreamed about is really happening? The actuality of it seems almost incredulous. “Y/N, stop joking, I’m sorry about this. They just kinda, happen sometimes.” He can’t meet your eye because he’s sure he would cum just from the sight of you between his legs. 

“If you don't want me here Kei, I’ll move, but I’m serious.” As you say his first name, another moan comes from his throat, spurring you to action. Biting your lip, you move the blanket and hesitantly grasp his erection. 

Tsukki is hazy with confusion but simultaneously everything is crystal clear with pleasure, unable to focus on anything due to the duality inside his head. Even if he wanted to tell you to stop, to stop and think, he wouldn’t be able to choke out the words.

He notices you aren’t really moving which is driving him mad until he looks down and sees just how pure you look. “Kei, I don’t-- I don’t really know what to do. Just tell me what you like and I’ll do my best.”

“Princess, are you sure you still want to do this?” as he pulls you up to eye level, cupping your cheeks. Seeing your nod and nervous smile, he leans forward to kiss you. 

The chill that had previously permeated your body is replaced with warmth, the feeling of his soft lips moving in time with yours, his gentle but assertive grip on your back acting as heat sources. It’s a comfortable warmth, an invitation into him.

You plan on taking that invitation as he deepens the kiss, one hand in the hair at his nape, the other returning to palm him through his sweats. As he stops your kiss, holding in a groan you take that opportunity to return to your original position in front of him. Waiting patiently, looking up at him for instruction with an absolutely pornographic gaze. 

Tsukki thought the image of your chest was the best thing he would ever see, but this takes the cake. Your hands playing with the waistband, with slight hesitation before pulling both his bowers and sweats down with his assistance. 

You knew what a dick looked like, but that doesn’t mean you are any less intimidated when one is just a few inches from your face. Long and curved, a prominent vein running up to the head that is flushed red and slick with precum. His hand rests on your head with the other on his thigh. Seeing his excitement on his face gives you enough encouragement to kitten lick his tip two times. “Fuck Y/N, please don’t tease me,” his voice wavering between a moan and a whine, you’ve never heard him sound so dependent, so needy before. 

Knowing that you are the one doing this to him gives you the confidence to start taking his dick in your mouth. You pause at the head, moving your tongue around, unsure what feels good until his grip on your head tightens as you rub against the bottom, just before the shaft. “Fuck pretty girl, please move your head down, please I wan--” A groan cuts him off as you follow his command. Slowly starting to bob along a portion of his length, with increasing speed.

“Spit on your hand and stroke the rest, god your mouth is heavenly” after pulling off to follow his command, you finally notice the familiar Tsukki-induced burning in your stomach, but amplified by a hundred when you see his cock twitch as you spit into your hand. He watched you with half-lidded eyes as you positioned your hand under your mouth, whispering uncharacteristically gentle words of praise.

Soft moans fall out of his mouth as you swirl your tongue around his head on every upward movement. Your hand mimicking the speed of your lips, trying to give him as much pleasure as you can. One particular comment of his shoots straight to your core, “Y/N, I never imagined you would make me feel this good.” The implication of him thinking about this, the same way you have, makes you moan around his dick, which in turn elicits a sharp intake from Tsukki.

His grip has been tightening on your head slowly, but all of a sudden he pulls you off. “Don’t wanna cum in your mouth without asking, just hand me a tissue.”

You never imagined Tsukki making the type of sound he did when you artlessly stuttered out “W-Well you have my permission.” 

Returning your tongue to his tip, which is now angrily red and coated in both spit and precum, it only takes a few seconds before he bucks into your mouth as he orgasms. His cock reaches further than you expected resulting in you choking as he hits the back of your throat, unintentionally intensifying his orgasm.

He pulls you off of him, grimacing at the cold air hitting his spent dick, bending forward to look you in the eye.. “Pretty girl, I’m so sorry for that last bit, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Are you ok?”

The pressure of his thumb wiping off a few spare tears makes you wonder what his touch would feel like on the rest of your body. As your mind delves into lewd thoughts, you shift your thighs looking for some pleasure, and give him an absentminded “It was fine, unexpected but I wanna make you feel good.”

He carefully sits you in his lap and pulls you into a deep kiss, slow but hungry. He moves down your jaw to your neck before whispering “Well, I guess it’s my turn to return the favor huh.” You bite back your moan, but as he harshly sucks a spot at the base of your neck it slips out. “You don’t have to hide your noises, princess, let me know how good everything feels.”

He runs his hands up and down your sides underneath his shirt before they find your chest. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined these.” You tug your shirt off and do the same to him. Both of you are just marveling at the beauty in front of you with lust. 

He makes the first move, gently bringing your right nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, as his left-hand switches randomly between rubbing along your side and massaging your left boob. The warmth of his tongue flicking against your pebbled bud is miles better than your own fingers, endless breathy moans falling out of your mouth as you find purchase for your hands in his hair. 

You must be unconsciously rutting against him because he stops his ministrations and stills your hips with a harsh grip. “Feeling needy now? Let me take care of you.” Tsukki rolls you off of him and you expect him to get on his knees in front of you, making you clench your knees both out of excitement and embarrassment. 

So when he lays down on the floor in front of you and shoots you a smug smirk, “Come take a seat,” your jaw drops in shock. 

“No, Tsukki, you don't have- What if I don’t taste good, please don’t worry about it-I don't want to suffoc-”  excuses and concerns pour out of your mouth but your body betrays you at the thought of him licking your sex.

“Y/N. Get over here. I want to do this and I’ll ensure you enjoy it.” His tone was commanding enough that you moved from the couch to straddling his head without a thought, losing your panties along the way. Your mind is murky with lust and anticipation, thoughts of how many times you’ve imagined his tongue on your clit being the only thing breaking through the fog. 

His tongue pierces through the haze as he runs the flat of it along your entire soaked core. Your body wants to pull away from the pressure but buck into the pleasure at the same time but Tsukki makes the decision for you, wrapping his arms around your thighs so you are snug against his face. 

He repeats the action, trying to coax a moan out of you, adding a little more force each time. It isn’t until the bridge of his nose brushes your clit that you finally let out the noises you’ve held in. “Kei- hi- fuck- higher,” breathy moans coat your words in lust.

 “Your wish is my command, princess.” His smug tone would have been annoying except for the fact that he was pressing hesitant licks against your clit eventually circling it with the tip of his tongue. You have no control over the whines you are making, only broken up by saying “yes Kei, yes, fuck” and other words of praise

Knowing how it felt when you moaned around his dick, he tries humming with his lips surrounding your clit and if he wasn’t already hard, he sure is now after the way you lewdly moaned his name and fiercely tugged his hair. 

The view of your tits heaving along with your breaths drive him to be a little more aggressive with his tongue, mercilessly switching between toying with your folds to harshly drawing shapes into your clit. 

Your cunt is drowning Tsukki in slick, coating his face and chin and he’s never been happier. Sucking your folds and using his tongue to taste all of you. He can't believe that anything has ever tasted better than you do right now.  

He can tell by the legs squeezing his head, and the shake of your entire body you are close to your orgasm. Wanting to try something new, he slides his tongue into your hole, causing you to grip his blonde locks so hard, you probably pulled some out. 

The wanton moans reverberating through the room are the only encouragement he needs to keep pressing his tongue against your tight walls. Your cunt so desperately wants to be filled its almost sucking his tongue in, but you know that alone won’t be enough to make you cum.

“ ‘m close, fuck. Please my clit, Kei please” The loss of his pressure in your cunt is overridden by the shockwaves of his lips around your clit, paired with him tracing letters and a deep moan from his throat. That was all you needed to be pushed over the edge. His moan continues as you ride out your high, hips jerking forward at the intensity.

As he pulls you into a sitting position on his lap, “Obviously I didn’t need instructions on how to make you feel good. I’ve thought about this for years.” You aren’t clear-headed enough to slap him like you usually would. All you can think about is the painful tension already building again in your core and his painfully hard dick pressed into your thigh.

You pull him into a kiss that conveys your unspoken words. Full of need and lust and wanting to make up for all of the time you lost. Your lips meet his harshly, like if you stop that it might disappear, afraid to pull back for air.

As he moves to your neck you instinctively rut your hips against him, looking for some form of release. Growling into your ear, “Oh, so one wasn't good enough for you? You want another orgasm?” 

“Well, It’s obvious you want another one,” matching his smugness with another roll that causes him to groan.

Before you can recognize it, he's flipped you over on your back and is hovering over you, eyes committing every inch of you to memory, drinking in the sight of your body, pebbled nipples, slick coating your thighs, love marks he's left thus far. It’s almost enough to make him go feral. 

Almost. 

“Y/N, are you sure you want to do this? We can stop. I really don’t mind.” The concern in his voice is clearly fighting against the lust, just barely winning over his more carnal desires. His answer comes in the form of your hand grabbing his dick and giving it a few soft, needy strokes.

“Please Tsukki, I need you in me. I’ve thought about this for so long, no way am I stopping” 

“Alright pretty girl,” and with that he returns to your deep kiss, your lips feeling like a home he never knew he left. He brings his hand down to your core, ghosting his fingers on your lips before teasing one finger in slowly. 

You hiss at the pleasure, hands finding stability rooted in his shoulders. He takes your bottom lip in between his teeth to help distract you while he rocks it in and out of your pussy. Quickly, he could tell that you were ready for a second and slipped it in, being met with you clawing at his shoulders while letting out a wanton moan.

Tsukki moves to place wet kisses along your neck and down to your chest, sucking every once in a while and then following it with a swipe of his tongue. You miss the pressure on your mouth, but you can feel another orgasm building, and it's getting harder to breathe. 

You genuinely do stop breathing when he takes one nipple in his mouth and uses his free hand to start rubbing circles into your clit. Well, if this is the way I die, I don’t really have any complaints. The coil in your stomach is about to snap and the only warning you can get out is slapping his shoulders.

The wave almost knocks you out, back arching off the floor while also trying to get more from the man between your legs. Inserting a third finger stretched you so good, he watches you try to fuck yourself on his hand through the orgasm, greedily wanting more. 

“You ready, pretty girl? Ready to take my cock?”

“Shit yes, Kei, please fuck me. I’ve dreamed about cumming on your dick, please please--” you are reduced to babbling pleas when he runs his dick along your slit coating himself in your slick. The jolt of pleasure every time his head hits your already over-stimulated bud edges on pain but you don’t want him to stop. 

You see stars and hear symphonies when he thrusts into you. A duet of his staccato grunts and your euphonic moans, accompanied by the fortissimo sounds of your pussy as he slides in. After taking a rest for you to adjust to his girth, his pace starts off slow but gradually increasing as you beg him for more. 

“Fuck, please, fill me up, god I never thought your cock would feel so good, Fuck” 

Your babbling praise is reduced to a high pitched whine when he starts slamming into you harder than before. The heavy slaps of his hips into yours replacing your moans in the melody. You barely process his words as the tip of his cock slams into your cervix with no remorse, over and over and over again. 

“Did I just hear you say you didn’t think my cock would feel good? Do you want to go back to cumming on your fingers to the thought of me or do you want me to continue stretching your tiny little pussy out?” 

Tsukki never minced his words, but the sheer lewdness of them causes heat to rise in your face. “N-no Kei. Please help, shit, me. Wanna cum on your dick so b- so bad.” His answer is to push one of your legs back towards your shoulder, the new position and the curve of his cock has him hitting that spot inside you always struggled to reach. 

Every muscle in your body is tensed up, burning from the desire to cum. Shockwaves of pleasure radiating from your pussy reach the tips of your toes and through every hair on your head. 

Your walls are clenching around him, wanting him deeper, even though there isn’t really any room left for him. Your body is driven by lust and disregards any pain you should be feeling, rather interpreting it as a different octave of pleasure. 

You find your fingers on your chest, groping and tweaking your nipples, knowing that you get even more sensitive when you are ready to orgasm. “Kei, please cum in me, I wanna cum but I wanna, no I need to do it with you,” it sounds more like a moan or a plea than a request, but Tsukki was already struggling to hold back his own orgasm.

He took your lead, moving his mouth down to your chest and rolling your other nipple against his tongue. Simultaneously, he snakes a hand down to your vagina, to the spot you begged him to touch earlier and rubs meticulous circles on your puffy and neglected clit..

Your back arches off the floor at the first touch of your clit, and your cunt clenched around his dick, making it even harder for Tsukki to thrust in and out. Your orgasm is stronger than its ever been, you’re certain you blacked out for a minute, only coming to when you hear a hearty moan from Tsukki and another wave of warmth in your sex, this time coming from him.

His forehead pressed against your chest as he fucks you through both of your orgasms, hand still curling your clit, attempting to extend the euphoria you both feel for as long as he can. Your hands find their way into his hair and you gently tug and scratch his scalp, making him look up at you. 

Your face may be covered in tears, and spit but he’s never looked at you with more adoration. You continue to pull him up to your face, placing sweet kisses all over his face as you both ride out the last waves of your high, his dick still inside of you. Wincing as he pulls out to lay down on the floor, he ends up pulling you into an embrace.

You look over to his content face, illuminated by the television,  eyes closed with a ghost of a smile dancing over his lips before he murmurs, “I never knew Game of Thrones sex scenes were quite so realistic, but I’m not complaining.” 

“God, Tsukki you’re so annoying,” you say trying to shove him off of you with a laugh, but he just holds you tighter. 

“I like it better when you call me Kei.”

Tags

@ceo-of-daichi @roandtheroses @sugawara-sweetheart @nonexistent-social-life​

[theblackbirdsgemimagines]

Ramble away, cause I feel the twisted head rot, I kinda wanna see what you think about our bois. ~ a pocket sized dragon hops in excitement.

A POCKET SIZED DWAGOOOOOONNNN 😭💞💞💞 That’s so BLESSED, and tysm omg, I’m very glad to just spill out my barking on every boy, bc yEAH THE BRAIN ROT SKDHAKDB

THE BRAIN ROT IS SO REAL LOL

Everything I breathe ends up relating to TWST in some way, like at this point just let me take my friends, cousins, and pets, and of course Lulu and Seb, and I will have 1. A Gottdamned Harem, 2. So Many Children, and 3. NEVER WANT TO LEAVE. Kwfhskdhjwek

Ok this is gonna be long bc I gotta cover all my boys, so rip lol.

Dorm Leads:

Riddle

GOD, my Fucking Baby, my CHILD, my SWEET BABY BOY, I’M 👁💧👄💧👁

I would die for him, beetch, he is PRECIOUS ♥️

He reminds me of how I feel Ciel would behave if S/O took the place as Sebastian’s contracee, too, so like 🥺 Lots of feels 😭

Is Son, I have adopted him now. If you mistreat him, don’t ever speak to me or my son ever again. I’ll FIGHT his MOM, don’t TEST me. I’m his new mom now. His BIRD mom. So proud of him, he’s like...one of the few that’s actually shown growth in canon after his overblot kshdkadjs

Leona

👁💧👄💧👁

.....I am a Mere Simp....

Ya’ll.... I swearh to ghOD I simped hard for Scar back when I was a wee thing, I did NOT expect to simp for him AGAIN LATER IN LIFE, what the FUCK aidhskdhskdj

Like shit bitch, damn, you may not be king of Afterglow honey, but you can be king of my heart if you wAnt to bb....

Leona: *smiles once, even if it’s smugly*

Me: *WEEPING* Look at hiiiiiiim!! My sunshine booooooy! 😭

Does this make me a furry

Probably

I am too Simp to Care Anymore

I HESITATED TO GET ATTACHED BC THIS BOY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKIN WOMANIZER IF I EVER SAW ONE, BUT HE DRINKS HIS RESPECT WOMEN JUICE EVERY SINGLE MORNING AND I WAS A GONNER SNDJAJDHSJ

FUCK

Call me a Herbivore again, bully me //SLAPPED

Azul

He secretly a lil shit sometimes, but tha’s ok, it’s mostly in a silly way, especially post overblot~ UvU

The sweetest bby everytime I read fanposts on him, like god, ah 💜💜💜 WHOMST COULD BULLY SUCH A CUTE CHUBBY OCTOBABY I’LL FIGHT ALL OF EM!! A sweetheart 10/10 would be his friend 💗 Not making contracts with him tho, lol

...ok maybe SOME after his overblot, but they’re able to be easily reversed now, so it’s way more chill andhsjdj

Kalim

FUCK!!!! F U C K!!!! BABYYYYYYY!!!! BABY!!!! I HAVE ADOPTED HIM IF YOU TOUCH HIM YOU D I E

He is literally so sweet, anytime anyone was like “you’re so nice it’s annoying” I WAS READY TO COME FLYING IN TO BITCH SLAP THEM LIKE AJDHSKDHSJ (even if I also loved them lol)

Like NO you are WRONG whfksjd

He has also grown so much, and I am proud ♥️🧡

Vil

Jesus Christ, canon Vil is Hurting Meeeeee ajdhskdhsj

My fave fanon Vil is the one that recognizes all different types of beauty, though~ uvu and is v encouraging to anyone that may be struggling with self hatred 💜

Canon: Vil is pretty~.

Me: Wow, wtf???? He IS so pretty... How rude I didn’t think you were serious! Wow him??? Pretty??? Wow??? Wow...

Idia

I’m not sure yet, as I haven’t seen him very often, but of the few times that I have: BIG same, huge mood, and Me FUCKING Too, goddamn akdhakdj

Idia is my Anxiety and Anime Nerd personified tbh lol

What Ortho is to him are what all my comfort characters are to me, honestly.

Like what would you like bby, you want that singing voice?? Ok here comes a synthesizer just special for you~. Ily, mwah~ u3u 💕

Malleus

HEAVY BREATHING

Ok maybe it’s just the lack of story/info out on him yet, but I don’t currently simp as hard for him compared to Leona, I’ll admit jajdkajd

BUT BOY HOWDEY DO I EVER STILL S I M P...

He Is Baby... And I Lob Him....

I am going to smooch those horns and forehead crown of beautiful scales 🖤🖤🖤 I am going to do it!!!! Here I go!!!

HE CAN HAVE ALL THE ICE CREAM AND TAMAGATCHI DATES HE WANTS I’M- 😭

This man is too precious for words, and I have so much childhood nostelgia to ‘enchanted’ woods, and being in the mountains, so he has Old Fae Friend vibes to me~🖤

DRAGON FORM DRAGON FORM DRAGON FORM DRAGON FORM DRAGON F-

Ngl I ship him and Leona a lil bit lol

No, not just bc that makes a poly with my two faves easier, but that is a bonus factor jadhajdj

Vice Dorm Heads:

Trey

Oh my god, the Daddy to my Mommy with all these newly adopted lil kids of ours, ya know??? What a wholesome sweetie and funny lil shit jahdksdh~

I love him, I would gladly make tarts with, AND for him 💚💚💚

The kind of boi who I’d ship HARD with anyone he started dating bc My God it would warm my heart So Much 💞💞

Ruggie (unofficial but may as well be at this point lol)

He took a while to grow on me kadhskdhsj

But I think he’d be a sweet, if a trouble-maker of a friend to have~.

Dank you for taking care of my sweet lion bby, honey, I’m sure Farrena is a sweetheart, but boi I hope he gets his shit together to fix up where Ruggie lives 😭

I think if I met his granny, I’d CRY jadhajsh 💗💗

Leech Twins (?)

Idk if they’re vice leaders, but who cares lol

THESE are the older Big Brothers in every sense of the word. (My canon ages most everyone up just a bit, save for Riddle, Ace, Deuce, Kalim, Jamil, Cheka, and anyone already 20+)

The ANNOYING older big brothers, lol.

The ones that hug you to death (Floyd), or use you for an arm rest (Jade), and specifically Do the thing you asked/told them NOT to Do.

This is fine with me tho, I’m an only child, please give me the experience of annoying older brothers lol 💙💚

Jamil

I used to hate you bby, I’m so sorry akdhskdhs

I’ve adopted him now, and I’m v proud he’s trying, but making clear what his boundaries are, and trying to come out of a shell he was made to be in for so long 😭

AND HIS DANCING IS SICK LIKE HONESTLY I’M SUCH A PROUD MOM 💗💗💗

Rook

God. FUCKING Rook, lol.

IDK IF I SHOULD TRUST YOU, but I also kinda wanna be your friend akdhakdjs

HE CONCERNS ME but he also seems nice and v sweet sometimes, lmao

Blz don’t stalk me tho 😬

STOP SHOOTING YOUR ARROWS AROUND SCHOOL YOU BLOODY HEATHEN FRENCH PRISS, YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE

Also, if he DARES hunt cute animals around me, especially BIRDS, I am going to GRIP him jahdkahdsk

He’s like if Lord Druitt was a Little More Nice and a Little Bit Less Creepy ajdhak

Lilia:

GOD.

I LOVE THIS FUCKING GRANDPA.

I. FUCKING. LOVE. THIS FUCKING. GRANDPA.

I absolutely hc him as nonbinary w/masc pronouns, I absoLUTELY do.

I adore him, I love him, I haven’t gotten a squish (hardcore desire to be someone’s friend, lol) this hard for a character since AngelDust, I-

Pwease be nonbinary friends with me, Lilia 🥺

THE ONLY PERSON HERE SHORTER THAN ME, BUT I’LL TAKE IT AJDHAKDHJS

Anyone know Corpse and how he plays Among Us? That’s how I see Lilia playing his video games with friends and I JUST I JUST I J U S T

The Spencer to your Carly.

He and Crowley are free to compete as Dad with me too like honestly kshdkadjjs

He’ll always be granpa tho uvu 💚💖🖤

Extras:

Ace

God, the Fucking Annoying Middle Brother that pranks you ALL THE DAMN TIME, but I love him andhakdhsk

Deuce

THE BROTHER THAT WILL BEAT UP YOUR BULLIES 💙💙💙 SWEET BABY BOY

The Josh to Ace’s Drake. The Cody to Ace’s Zack. The Freddie to your Carly and Ace’s Sam.

If he and Ace started dating, tho, I would CRY.

But regardless who they end up dating, it’ll be slow burn friends to lovers, and literally the most adorable shit to watch EVER 💞💞💞😭

Cater

Seems Like A Womanizer But Actually Drinks His Reapect Women Juice And We Stan That 🧡

Can always count on him to help tou get the best Magicram shots, bless you Cater 🧡🧡

Also rly wanna be his friend, ngl 😭 Even IF he pranks me a lot kadhakdhsj

Jack:

H E AV Y BR EA T H IN G

Ngl my feelings for him are in the air IDK IF I WANNA SMOOCH OR NOT YET I JUST KNOW I LOB HIM HE GOODEST BESTEST BOY 💛💛💛😭

If all three Savannaclaw bois got in a cuddle pile with me, I would Not Be Mad

How can I give this boy love, tell me and I will Do It

Gift him all the cacti’s he WANTS💛

God he drinks that respecc women juice bright and early on his run every morning, you KNOW he does 💛💛💛

I wawnt to pet his ears an tail an fwuffy wolf form 😭

I WAWNT TO SEE THE BOY SMILE AND BE HAPPY 💞💞💞

Sebek

CHILL CHILL CHILL CHILL CH-

He is a v devoted guard tho, we love to see it UvU

I don’t have more info on him hekdhskdj but his fanmade content seems v v sweet~ 💚

Silver

HE ATTRACTS BIRDS AND I CRY ABOUT IT PLEASE BE MY FRIEND AND TEACH ME HOW 🥺🥺🥺

Him being raised by Lilia and Malleus literally gives me so much Fucking Seratonin....... God 💞💕💗💗💞💞💗💗💕💞

Ortho

IS BABY????? IS BABY!!!!!! I’M LOVE HIM I’M ADOPTING HIM IS BABYYYYYYY 💙💙💙💙💙

Cheka:

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

He is so FUCKING CUTE what the FUCK!

Leonaaaaaaa... 🥺 Your NEPHEWWWWW 😭

I might steal him from Farrena tbh, lIKE MY CHILD NOW~ 🧡🧡

I just sob and hug him every time I see him honestly 😭

Teachers:

Dire Crowley

Ohhhhhh god oh god oh god

Be my dad. Please. Be my dad. PLEASE be my dad. Ya’ll think I’m joking, I’m not. Please adopt me. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

This man as a father gives me so much dopamine and oxytocin and seratonin??? I have been weeping for WEEKS, please adopt me, Sir

Fathers with zero braincells being wrapped around a daughter’s little finger makes me so weak, and I am just here with Daddy Issues like ajdhakdhsj BLEASE ADOPT ME MISTER BIRD MAN

Crewel

Ew.

Forgive me, I haven’t seen much content with him in it/that could be considered wholesome, bUT JADHWKDJSJ

UncoMFORTABLE

Please keep the kink talk out of the classroom, S I R

Call me puppy one more time, see what happens, I’m not scared to fight a teacher akdhakdhsj

Trein

The Dad Figure that tries to be the stern part to Crowley’s blumbering kahdkqrhsjdj

Don’t feel as much attachment to him emotionally, but I like him~

Just let me pet your cat sometimes and give you holiday presents, and we’re cool~ ♥️

Vargas

Found the womanizer //SMACKED

And of course, I can’t forget Grim~!

He’s grown on me, and if anything happens to him I will kill everyone in the room, and then myself 😭

I will pet and snuggle and hold him all he wants and feed him all the tuna his heart desires uvu 💙

[damienthepious]

owo november is over babesssss back 2 your regularly scheduled full-size lizard content

Made A Garden (Chapter 3)

[ch 1] [ch 2] [ao3]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Rilla

Characters: Rilla, Lord Arum, Rilla’s Parents, The Keep

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, (categorized as ‘other’ bc arum is nonbinary when i write him bye), Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, POV Alternating, canon typical Arum ignoring feelings, edited to feature my Rilla's Two Dads theory

Fic Summary: Rilla’s parents take her out when they do field work. She’s a smart kid, and she knows how not to get in trouble when they’re caught up with their experiments and research. This time, they’ve taken her to an enormous, beautiful swamp, and their theory is that the monstrous presence in this place should be entirely dormant- which is why Rilla is so surprised, when she meets a monster for herself.

Chapter Summary: Lord Arum tries to prove a point. Rilla gets excited!

Notes: no, i absolutely did not mean to take this long between chapters. i promise that i NEVER do. i'm just an easily distractible mess, is the thing. welcome to december here are the summery vibes again!!! loveyou

~

The Keep murmurs a question, a song that whispers in Arum's mind, awash with affection and concern. Are you not going to walk your swamp today, little Lord?

Arum scowls, pacing in a narrow figure eight as he reads through one of his predecessors’ journals. Again. “I do not need to do the same thing every day, Keep,” he grumbles. “And don't call me that.”

It hums an assent, clearly unconvinced. It pauses for a long moment, allowing him to continue his reading, but he isn't surprised when it chimes again, a light offer of assistance, a nudge towards what the Keep may do, to protect the both of them, if Arum wishes to have his swamp to himself again-

“Don’t-”

The book tumbles from his hands, thwumping to the floor as Arum winces.

It sings another nudge, pushing further in that direction, encouraging and warm.

“I simply do not feel like gallivanting around today!” he snarls. “It has nothing to do with her.”

There is another pause, and then the Keep trills in a vague, bemused sort of way.

Arum snatches the book back up from the floor with his tail, then clutches it to his chest. “I am not afraid of the humans,” he deflects, sticking his snout in the air. “They are utterly nonthreatening. They aren’t warriors or knights- they are some sort of- explorers,” he says derisively. “Scholars or researchers or some such. No threat, none at all.”

The Keep hums, even softer, how that will make it all the easier, to chase them out-

“No!” Arum stuffs the book back onto the shelves, his tail lashing behind him and his frill high. “It- it isn’t worth your effort, Keep. If they come close enough to be troublesome we can- can push them back away, but as it stands they hardly bear mentioning. It is highly obnoxious that we have spent even this much time discussing them.”

The Keep hums, clearly unconvinced, but Arum turns his snout up. He has ended the conversation. The conversation is over, and the humans need not be mentioned again. Obviously.

However. Arum has now put away his book, and he does not, in fact, know what he wishes to do next. He intended to spend his morning decoding and researching, but now- well, thanks to his meddling plant, he is far too agitated for that sort of focus-driven task, and he refuses to waste time trying to plug away at old Vetch ’s journals when his mind is not at its keenest. It would be pointless.

The Keep warbles again, and Arum bristles at the teasing edge in its tone.

“Fine,” Arum snaps after a moment, his frill fluttering at his neck. “Fine. If you should like me to prove my words, then I shall. You are in my mind, you ridiculous creature, but if that is not evidence enough for you, I will deign to assuage your pointless worries. I am not afraid of them,” he says, the hint of a snarl in his controlled tone. “I am not, and I will prove it. I shall go, and I shall walk my swamp, and no humans nor ridiculous ancient structures will deny me what I wish.”

The Keep hums one more question, its concern not quite assuaged.

“I know what I am doing!” Arum snarls, and he tries very hard not to wince when his voice creaks in the middle. “I will not be patronized! Am I Lord Arum, Keep, or am I some whelp for you to coddle and dismiss?”

It sings, patient, that he is Lord of the Swamp, and then after a moment it acquiesces, pulling a doorway open for him, out into his wilderness. It adds, gentle, that its duty is to protect Arum, just as Arum’s duty is to protect it in turn, and Arum stuffs down the little lance of guilt that stabs through him at that. He sticks his snout in the air, instead.

"And so I shall, if you simply allow me to do as I please."

The Keep pauses, and then it gives an indulgent hum as he steps out into the humid warmth of the afternoon.

Arum waits with his arms tangled across his chest until the Keep closes the way behind him, and then he-

He manages perhaps a half an hour inspecting his swamp before the curiosity worms through his scales. His tools and traps seem to be growing well, and those left by his predecessor are, he begrudgingly admits, even more promising. The fauna of the swamp seem perfectly content as well, with no management required from his part (excepting a particularly unlucky mongoose with a paw trapped between some tangled roots, but that hardly takes more than a moment to rectify).

He can't simply return home, though. Not this soon. That would hardly prove his point, would it? It would make the Keep insufferably smug, especially considering the wide berth he's given the humans and their little encampment.

Well. He can fix that part, at the very least, can't he?

It will play into the Keep's vines just as much to seek the humans out, he thinks irritably, but if he is going to lose regardless he may as well lose in the way he wishes to. He is not afraid of them, and if he wishes to make certain that they are not causing trouble, if he wishes to prove to the Keep that they are nonthreatening in no uncertain terms, then by the Universe itself he will.

They are embarrassingly easy to find. It is as if they have no desire to obscure their presence at all. Amaryllis mentioned, he supposes, that they had not been expecting to find much of an active monstrous presence here, but certainly since Amaryllis knows better now-

Has she not… told her parents? Or are they simply unworried over Arum himself, despite every reason they should have to be concerned? Clearly their hypotheses were wrong, so they should reassess their methods, should they not?

Her parents are doing something incomprehensible with glass vials full of swamp water. They perch carefully in a narrow canoe, each counterbalancing for the other as they gather their… samples, perhaps. Arum watches, suspicious, long enough to note that they are rather careful not to disturb the trees they are paddling between, that they avoid the floating flora. He watches long enough to observe as one of them accidentally ducks his hand too deeply into the water, his nose wrinkling as he pulls it back, and then he-

Grins, and his grin is the precise image of the one that Amaryllis wears, and then he flicks the water across the back of his companion, laughing as he squawks and smacks him in the leg.

They both laugh, then, and Arum is unsettled enough that he slips away.

Amaryllis herself it not difficult to find, after that. Still within earshot of the laughter as it subsides, unfortunately, but- the laughter does subside, and Amaryllis is smiling as she sketches away in that little journal of hers.

He watches her for quite some time as well, and he settles against the bark as he does, and he is comforted by the fact that he was, of course, correct.

These humans are entirely without teeth. He is certain that if he desired, he could frighten them away even without the Keep's help. He has no cause whatsoever to worry about them. No reason to fear, no reason to even keep an eye on them.

He remains in the tree for a good long while, however, watching Amaryllis summon with ink the detailed veins of leaves, the segmented bodies of insects, meticulously reconstructed pieces of his swamp.

~~~

Rilla yawns, suddenly, nearly startled by her own body's derailment and only barely managing not to ruin her latest sketch with an errant line. She grumbles to herself, shaking her head, and then she narrows her eyes at the page again, scrutinizing the roots she's drawn for this floating plant uncertainly. She's seen the roots when pulled out of the water, but that's not really representative of how they'd look underwater. She's tried to get a better look with her own head submerged, too, but- well, her eyes aren't really meant for that, and the water here isn't the most clear, either. She holds her breath for a moment, puffing out her cheeks, and then she huffs out the breath, tapping a finger on the page impatiently.

"They spread a bit wider than that," Arum says from above her, and Rilla startles. "And they curve slightly when there's a current, though I suppose most of the ones you've seen here would likely be in more calm waters than that."

Rilla tilts her head up, squinting against the sun until she spots the vivid violet of his eyes gazing back, narrowed and hesitant now that she's looking at him.

"…oh," she says, a little hesitant herself. "Uh-" she just barely stops herself from thanking him, considering how grumpy he got about it the last time. "Neat?"

"Hm," he grumbles, glancing off into the canopy rather than continue to look at her, and she bites her lip in consideration for a long moment.

"Would you- do you wanna show me what you mean?" she asks, lifting the book in her hands just slightly, and Arum's eyes dart to her again. "I think I know what you mean, but…"

He grumbles something, either wordless or just too quiet for her to understand, and then he slips further behind the leaves for a moment. She can still hear the scritch of his claws against the bark, though, which seems like a good sign. When he disappears, he seems to be able to do it without making any sound at all. She hears him growling low as he descends, and then his head peeks out from behind the trunk of a nearby tree, his eyes narrowed again in suspicion.

"Or…" Rilla angles her body a little, leaning sideways to see just a little bit more of the monster before he leans the opposite way in response. "I mean, you don't have to, if you don't-"

"Of course I don't have to," he snaps, "I don't have to do anything. I am ruler here. If I wish to ensure that your catalogue of my home is not full of incorrect information that is my business."

He steps out slightly, two clawed hands still curled around the trunk of the tree beside him, and Rilla realizes with a widening of the eyes that he has two other hands, as well, because the monster apparently has four arms, in addition to his long, twiggy legs and his dexterous tail. She hadn't been expecting that, hadn't realized that in between his first appearance mostly under the water and his second up among the branches, this is the first truly good look she's gotten of him so far. She knows that it's rude to stare, of course, but- but does that really count for scientifically significant and anomalous anatomies?

"Well?" Arum says, apparently wary of her scrutiny. "Do you want me to show you how it grows or don't you?"

"Which hand do you write with?" Rilla blurts, entirely unable to help herself, and Arum blinks.

"Whichever I wish to?" he answers, his scaly brow raising in confusion, and then he comes a little closer, watching her carefully as he reaches a hand out for Rilla to pass the journal to him. She doesn't hesitate, practically shoving it into his hands, extra plural implied. "Does it matter?"

"I mean-" Rilla watches him, noting the way he holds the book in his two lower hands, sketching with his upper left. "Yeah? Can you write with all of them equally well?"

"I'm a monster, not an idiot," he mutters, "of course I can write with all of them. It would hardly be convenient otherwise."

"But-" Rilla wants to bounce, instead she just steps a little closer, watching as Arum switches hands and continues to sketch with equal skill, his own style less detailed and more impressionistic than her own. "I mean, that's not how it is with humans, you know? Most people have a dominant arm that they can more easily perform tasks with, and usually they get so used to using the one arm for specific detailed tasks that the other one falls out of practice and isn't useful for the task anymore! There's a strange prevalence, too, a trend towards- the right hand side is more likely to be dominant than the left, and no one really seems to be sure why, just yet, though I bet we could figure it out if we just did a little bit more research. Though! There are people who can use both arms equally well, or- I mean, I guess some folks probably just train themselves to do so, and maybe it's not entirely an ingrained trait? I'm not sure about that one. Those people are called ambidextrous, which I guess would be okay to call you for a similar trait? Though, it means both sides, so I think a more accurate word would be omnidextrous, as in, all of your hands, though I don't know how many monsters have your limb configuration so it's hard to say how useful a word like that might-"

Arum narrows his eyes, his frill pressing tight against his neck as she talks, but she doesn’t recognize his annoyance for what it is until he interrupts her in a stammering hiss.

“S-slow- will you stop- will you stop yammering on so quickly that only your own shadow can follow? It is infuriating.”

Rilla snaps her mouth shut. She's convinced that her cheeks are flushing dark with the combined anger and embarrassment that smacks through her. This is even worse than when the shopkeep in market square told her to just shut her squawking little mouth already when her father sent her to fetch supplies by herself for the first time. Worse, because she never actually liked that shopkeep very much, but Arum-

“S-sorry,” she says, and her voice comes out quiet and blank and clipped. "I- sorry."

Arum huffs, wrinkling his snout and looking away, and then after a moment he flicks his eyes back towards her. She swallows, her shoulders hunching, and after another odd little pause his brow furrows.

"Well?"

She blinks. "W-well?"

He looks away again. "I did not think you were… finished with your explanation, little human."

"I- I wasn't, but-" she pauses, and Arum hazards another glance towards her, his expression wary. "I thought you- I thought you wanted me to shut up."

Arum pulls his head back. "What? No, I simply-" his frill flutters at his neck, and then it rises to frame his face as the monster winces. "I- I could not- understand, while you spoke so- so quickly. I do not converse in this way very often."

Rilla feels the sense of shame slowly, slowly bleed away, replaced by curiosity. "How do you… usually converse?" she asks, and Arum scowls.

"Monstrously," he says with a sneer, but when she only purses her lips at him he sighs. "I and my- my parent, as you would call it, do not need spoken words to communicate. They are merely … one layer of how we converse. It sings, and I sing, or speak, and we feel each other's intent," he explains, sticking his snout in the air. "It is far more efficient and accurate than a simple verbal exchange."

"Huh," Rilla says, furrowing her brow. "Huh, that's- I mean, Saints, yeah, that… that sounds like it would be nice." She pauses, frowning at her hands. "It'd be… It'd be nice if there was someone who always knew exactly what I meant."

After a moment, Rilla raises her eyes again. She expected Arum to have some sort of response to that, honestly. Seems like the sort of thing he'd leap at the chance to boast about, but- well, he looks distracted now, deep in thought. He seems to feel her attention, though, and he shakes his head.

"It is… nice, I suppose," he agrees, his tone a little begrudging. "It is difficult… difficult to imagine not having such. I suppose it must make it harder for you and yours to understand each other," he muses, "though, I suppose that you do still sing together."

Rilla blinks. "How… do you know that?"

Arum's eyes widen, and then he looks to the side, shrugging. "You were singing when I first found you," he says quickly, unconvincingly. "I simply- assumed."

"You've… you've been watching me?" she says, her tone rising, and Arum winces. "You've been watching my family?" She isn't even sure- she can't say if that idea bothers her, exactly, though it probably should-

"I- of course n-" Arum's eyes flick anxiously among the trees, and then his frill presses flat against his neck and his expression curls into a scowl as he looks her dead in the eyes again. "You are on my lands," he says, more sharply. "You are trespassers, not guests, so you may hardly complain when you are observed by those who are actually meant to be here. To live here."

Rilla opens her mouth, closes it, opens it again. "Well- yeah, I guess that makes- sense. I just- I was surprised, I guess."

Arum blinks, and then his scowl goes even more furious. "Don't pretend to be- to be magnanimous about it, little creature, I saw the look in your eyes, I saw what you were thinking."

"I was surprised," Rilla says again. "And- and I didn't think you'd want to hear me sing. Most of the other kids don't."

Arum snaps his teeth together, a thin hiss slipping between them, and then he looks away again. "I- I didn't say that," he grumbles. "And- and I am not some other kid. I am a monster."

The word kid sounds- strange in his inhuman voice. Almost silly. She buries a laugh, mostly because she thinks that would probably make him even more grumpy. "I-" she starts, and then she cuts herself off as a thought occurs. "Huh. I had just been assuming … you are a young monster, though, aren't you? You're not just- small?"

Arum's eyes flash, and Rilla- Rilla can see for a moment that he's considering- something. Lying, maybe? And then he glances away again.

"I am the… new Lord of the Swamp," he mutters, begrudgingly. "But I am not a child. And I am not a hatchling anymore, either."

Rilla bites her tongue to stifle her curiosity at the distinction, but when she opens her mouth to respond, Arum interrupts.

"And I am not small," he snaps, a raspy growl in his throat. "I am precisely the size I am meant to be at the moment, and it is hardly my fault if other creatures feel the need to be so unnecessarily large."

Rilla can't help the laugh, this time, and it seems to derail Arum from his ranting. He stares at her as she presses a hand over her lips, and then he ducks his head, looking at her sulkily.

"You… do that rather a lot, don't you?"

"What," she asks through her fingers, "laugh?"

"Indeed. Do you find everything quite so amusing, then?"

Rilla tries not to feel- that stab of mortification again. She bites her lip, and the monster shakes his head.

"Don't-" he stumbles, winces, and then tries again. "I'm not demanding you stop. It was simply an observation and a question. Nothing more than that."

It's unexpected, honestly, that he would catch her reaction that quickly, and she nods more out of surprise than anything. "I just- laugh when I'm happy? Or- when I'm surprised sometimes."

He tilts his head. "Hm."

"You… you don't seem to laugh that much," she says, hoping that it just sounds like an observation in kind and not like a judgment.

"Hm," Arum says again, and then he looks down at the journal still in his hands, at the wavering lines of his sketches beside her own neater, less accurate ones. "No, I suppose I don't."

[porphyrophiliac]

i dare u to answer every single question

o   h(well here we go)

1.Who was the last person you held hands with?my ex

2. Are you outgoing or shy?a bit of both?? like, it completely depends on the environment; i’ve been in the same music class for 2 years and i only spoke to the person who sat next to me for the entirety of that year for the first time today, but i was on a residential at the national film school with 64 other people and i sought out and had a full conversation with each and every one of them

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?my boyfriend!!

4. Are you easy to get along with?i hope so? i think people get along with me if they’re respectful, bc if they aren’t i don’t particularly try to get along with them

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?i feel like max would yeah fdsahjfbasd

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?who the fuck even knows, i just go with the current gfdbhjsgd

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?i think so c:

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?my boyfriend max fggfdgkfdhsngfndkghjs

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?uhhh, it depends on who with? and whether or not it’s personal experience, bc i can talk about it as a concept but my own experiences are reserved for people i’m in relationships with and extremely close friends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?my boyfriend hgfhdg (look i am Not that sociable)

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“i love you too, max!” (can u tell that i lov my bf)

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?What THe Fuck Is A Song Who Even Music What the F

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?yES

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?my bf is a miracle

15. What good thing happened this summer?i got into a relationship last summer! with my bf! who i love!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?no.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?i mean, like, probably

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?i do not

19. Do you like bubble baths?dude who doesn’t

20. Do you like your neighbors?what the fuck is a neighbour

21. What are you bad habits?existing

22. Where would you like to travel?canada, to see my bf dasfbjhskfdagsh

23. Do you have trust issues?yea

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?talking to my bf, or maybe sleeping

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?the part that’s, uh. the bit that’s like, covered in skin? all of it? yeah, all of it

26. What do you do when you wake up?think about my bf and then go back to sleep dfshjbak

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?i wouldn’t mind being a bit paler??

28. Who are you most comfortable around?my bf dfbhkjasfhas

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?nah, i don’t think so

30. Do you ever want to get married?i think so!

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?nah dfhbjsakf

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?what the fuck is a celebrity

33. Spell your name with your chin.swam

34. Do you play sports? What sports?WHAT THE FUCK IS A SPORT

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?dont do this to me

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?i have only told like, two people i ever liked that i did

37. What do you say during awkward silences?nothing

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?uhh, he’s about 5′3″, shaped like a friend, has a cute canadian accent & short hair, a Real Soft Boy, likes cartoons and makes great art and is v kissable. not that u could ever find a guy that perfect in the real world oh wait i dID HE’S MY BOYFRIEND AND I LOVE HIM

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?if it sells fizzy drinks and chocolate, i’m satisfied

40. What do you want to do after high school?sleep

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?absolutely not. or, like, i think people deserve a second chance, but that doesn’t mean you personally have to give it to them. they can find it somewhere else

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?that im tired, usually

43. Do you smile at strangers?if they’re pretty sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?trip to canada

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?my alarm

46. What are you paranoid about?everything

47. Have you ever been high?almost

48. Have you ever been drunk?yea

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i don’t think so?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?mint green

51. Ever wished you were someone else?all the time

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?id like to have boobs

53. Favourite makeup brand?uhhhhhhhhhhh

54. Favourite store?uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

55. Favourite blog?@maxjo​

56. Favourite colour?pink!

57. Favourite food? pasta!

58. Last thing you ate?a croissant, its the only thing i ate today fdbhasjkfbdasfha

59. First thing you ate this morning?a croissant, its still the only thing i ate today

60. Ever won a competition? For what?being the Worst fshbkadnlsat i was one of 12 cinematographers under 19 from across the UK chosen for a specialist residential at the national film school, does that count??

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope

62. Been arrested? For what?nope

63. Ever been in love? yep!

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?nope

65. Are you hungry right now?always

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?my tumblr friends are my real friends and i love all of them

67. Facebook or Twitter?facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?nah

70. Names of your bestfriends? max (obvs), fearghal, sarah, takeshi, dovydas

71. Craving something? What?love and affection frm my bf dfabhsjk

72. What colour are your towels?purple!

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?four!

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?i have a teddy named max dfbhkajdnkf (hes a soft boi)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?A Lot

75. Favourite animal?hedgehogs

76. What colour is your underwear?my pyjama bottoms are blue, i’m not wearing underwear currently bc of that

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?chocolate, no hesitation

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?either chocolate or mint chocolate :00

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?light grey! it has pokemon on it

80. What colour pants?blue

81. Favourite tv show?uhhhhhhhhhhh

82. Favourite movie?uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (im a film student i know too many)

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?haven’t seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?haven’t seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?haven’t seen it

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?bruce!

87. First person you talked to today?i have no idea

88. Last person you talked to today?my boyfriend fdsajbhkf

89. Name a person you hate?this one asshole from my school who i won’t name here

90. Name a person you love?max dfhaskjbfsfnasd

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?me

92. In a fight with someone?me

93. How many sweatpants do you have?none :00

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?at least 11

95. Last movie you watched?Moon

96. Favourite actress?i don’t rly have one fbfjhkgsd

97. Favourite actor?i don’t really have one gdfhdfkbjfssfdghkdjs

98. Do you tan a lot?a little

99. Have any pets?i have a cat :000

100. How are you feeling?tired gdhgdfk

101. Do you type fast?yea

102. Do you regret anything from your past?yea

103. Can you spell well?yeas

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?yea

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?no

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?maybe??

107. Have you ever been on a horse?no

108. What should you be doing?sleeping fgsdhbkjFSD

109. Is something irritating you right now?me

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?MAX

111. Do you have trust issues?see question 23

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?uhhhhh???? who knows, i cry a lot gfgfhkdjsnjglsdf

113. What was your childhood nickname?I Dont Wanna Get Into That

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yea :00

115. Do you play the Wii?i used to??

116. Are you listening to music right now?nah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?nah

118. Do you like Chinese food?not rly gfsdjkhfg

119. Favourite book?The Book of Lost Things, by john connolly

120. Are you afraid of the dark?yes fdashbkjfasdf

121. Are you mean?if people are mean to me, yeah

122. Is cheating ever okay?absolutely not

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?nope fbhasdjkfadsfas

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?yes, i’m certain that it happens all the time

125. Do you believe in true love?i think so c:

126. Are you currently bored?nope fdsjabhfkdsf

127. What makes you happy?my bf fhadskbjsad

128. Would you change your name?i already have once, but if i found something i liked more maybe??

129. What your zodiac sign?aries

130. Do you like subway?nah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?reject them but stay friends

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?still my bf

133. Favourite lyrics right now?If there’s a line I’ll cross it,No lesson will I learn;Even if I’m standing on itNo bridge that I won’t burn

134. Can you count to one million?i didn’t get a D in maths for nothing

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?for 17 years i tried to convince people i was a guy

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?CLOSED, WHY THE FUCK WOUDL YOU HAVE THEAM OPNE JOH MYG OD

137. How tall are you?6′1″

138. Curly or Straight hair?curly

139. Brunette or Blonde?brunette

140. Summer or Winter?summer

141. Night or Day?night

142. Favourite month?july

143. Are you a vegetarian?nah

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?milk

145. Tea or Coffee?coffe dfhbksjafads

146. Was today a good day?i guess?

147. Mars or Snickers?mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?’coffe burns’

149. Do you believe in ghosts?who even knows

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line‘mattered. I had all these plans about getting in and reprogramming’

[credulouscanidae]

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i  stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

[milkywaystarboy]

Monsters

Karolina’s Playlist (1k Followers Celebration Challenge)

Prompt: Monsters by Ruelle (link to YouTuble lyric video)

Pairing: none

Word Count: 2594

Summary: A djinni named Kamaria runs from the Winchesters, who want them dead. They try to explain to the infamous brothers that the world isn’t black and white, and that Sam and Dean are just as much monsters as they are. A friendly monster fic with a nonbinary Arabic main character. Enjoy, my friends, and maybe one day this will be a series.

Warnings: there aren’t really any, though I do apologize for Kamaria violating the Winchesters’ minds with their djinn magic

Tags: @loveitsallineed @eruthiawenluin @zzzett @itsallintheeyeofthebeholder

My heart pounds in my throat as I run down an alley, not daring to throw a glance over my shoulder as I flee. Mama always told me to watch out for hunters, and now here I am, running from two of North America’s best known. I dash around a corner and curse loudly; dead end. The sound of footsteps grows louder and I look around, trying to find an escape. Bags of trash and dumpsters and shoddily-locked doors meet my eyes and a plan forms quick enough for me to enact it.

Sam and Dean Winchester, hunters of the supernatural and monsters in their own right, speed around the corner, guns drawn. They hesitate at the sight of the empty alley, then continue down it, cautious of the many hiding places I could be in. I watch them from behind a pile of trash bags. Dean notices a door broken open with a light blue trace of magic on it and moves closer to it, Sam turning his back to me as he covers Dean. Moving quickly, I get behind Sam and reach up to touch his temple, knocking him out and sending him into a dream.

I duck behind a dumpster, which puts me in Dean’s blind spot when he turns at the sound of his brother hitting the ground. “Sam!” he says, nearly a shout, and hurries to kneel beside him. “Wake up!” Then he’s also on the ground, a touch from my hand putting him into a nearly identical dream as his brother’s.

My breathing is ragged and my heart is still racing a mile a minute, but the threat is over, for now. Rummaging around in Dean’s pockets, I find the keys to his car. Back to the diner they’d chased me from, then I drive the classic Impala to the alleyway and manage to drag the overgrown men into their car to make it look like they fell asleep while parked at the curb. They’ll sleep for about an hour or so, giving me enough time to head out of town for somewhere quieter.

Maybe, while they’re out and after I’ve made it a fair distance, I’ll take a minute to plant an idea in their minds. An idea that not all monsters are truly monsters. And maybe I’ll tell them some of the bedtime stories my mama would tell me before sending me to sleep.

~~~

Since the beginning of time, there have been monsters among the humans. God created his humans, but Eve was the mother of monsters. Her first children were the Leviathans and the Alphas, and from the Alphas came the rest of us.

The world was large, and our Alphas led us to settle far from each other so that our feeding grounds wouldn’t overlap. The djinn settled in the Middle East, our dark skin ideal protection against the harsh desert sun.

Humans were easy prey at first. Gullible and soft, unaware of the danger in the world. Some fought back, of course, but were unsuccessful… and then, by a fluke, a butcher discovered how to kill us: a silver blade, coated in the blood of a lamb.

Soon, the butcher’s family started to hunt us, and we were forced from our homes, unable to pass as human. We retreated to ruins in the desert and resorted to luring in unwary travelers with the promise of making their deepest desires come true.

We survived, for a time, content to gain our sustenance in this way. The djinn slowly spread out, taking to caves as well as ruins for shelter. The Alpha remained near to the town she had originally settled in, taking two humans every few months. One to turn into another djinn, and one to teach the newborn how to feed.

Then hunters started moving around the world, meeting other hunters and exchanging information. They spread stories of monsters hiding in ruins on well-traveled roads, taking victims by night or day. It became harder for the djinn to survive, so we evolved again, taking to dark alleyways and unsuspecting passersby in the cities we had previously abandoned.

I was born in the upper room of an abandoned building in the year 1 BC, child of the Alpha and a newborn male djinn. My father died quickly (he was far too brash and careless), and so my mother and I moved to a different city.

She would tell me stories of hunters, of how merciless they were in their killings. How they would single-mindedly track down any creature they believed to be in the wrong and kill them, no matter how much evidence pointed to their innocence. She warned me to never trust a human, no matter how harmless they seemed, because any of them could have the knowledge of a hunter.

Hunters are the real monsters, she told me. And they have yet to prove her wrong.

~~~

The man laid out on the fold-out couch is pale and gaunt, nearly dead. And good riddance, too. The man was an abuser and child molester, set free on a technicality. Now he’s living in a dream world where he went to prison, as he should have, as I feed off him. I remove the tube in his arm that was slowly draining him of blood and close it off, wrapping it up with the blood bag and putting into a special container. It’ll stay at body temperature in there, ready for me to drink from when I need it.

I fast forward the dream he’s in, giving enough poison to end his life within a few minutes. As he lays there twitching in REM, I pack my bags and leave. It’ll be a race to see who finds the body first, the cleaners or the Winchesters, but either way, my message will be clear. I place a folder with the man’s history on his chest and leave.

~~~

Everyone knows the Winchesters. That is, every supernatural creature in North America, from the youngest child to the oldest scarred survivor, knows the Winchesters. Either from personal experience or from stories told like horror tales around a campfire.

They’re practically serial killers. If the government knew about all the people dead at the hands of the brothers, they’d use all their resources to track them down and arrest them. They’d be put on trial and sentenced to death or life in prison.

The members of the supernatural community know to stay clever to stay one step ahead of the Winchester men. Even just one misstep can lead to death at the hands of a weapon specifically made to end us. They know our weaknesses, and so we must learn theirs in return.

Their greatest weakness is each other. Story after story tells of one sacrificing himself for the other. But there are more. Dean has weaknesses for junk food and sweets, a good woman, and a night of drinks and pool. Sam is harder to gauge; some stories spin him as the more compassionate and more likely to spare someone if they’re proved innocent, but some tell he’s the more aggressive and ruthless. The only weakness mentioned is demon’s blood, but then it turned into a strength.

The magic of the djinn allows us to see our victims’ greatest fears and most desperate wishes. For a long time, we thought that if we could grab the Winchesters, we could learn their weaknesses. However, the only djinn able to capture Dean was quickly killed by Sam, and so they remain a mystery. But not for long…

~~~

It’s months before the Winchesters catch up with me again. This time I’m prepared for them and the empty warehouse I’ve made my home is set up as a trap. I wait, hidden in the rafters, watching them as they search the building for me. Dean’s the first to go down, his ankles caught in a noose that drags him up towards the ceiling. As Sam shouts, I dash over to the older brother and grab his arm, letting the poison in my magic seep into his skin to knock him out.

Sam takes longer to catch. After watching Dean disappear towards the ceiling, he’s wary of my traps. So I allow him to wander, lose himself in the maze I’ve made, and when he’s stuck up against a dead end, I drop down on a rope to land silently behind him. “Sam,” I say, my voice soft.

He spins around, silver knife flashing in the low light. His face is almost confused, but then his jaw clenches and he steps forward. “Where is Dean?”

“Safe.” I hold my hands up and take a step back. “I merely wish to talk, but the two of you make that difficult.”

“Talk?”

“Think about it. If I’d wanted to kill you, I would have done so months ago when I got the better of you in that alleyway.”

The tall hunter hesitates, just for a second, and that’s my opening. Rumors of the younger brother’s empathy aside, it’s too risky to hope he’d disarm willingly. I dart forward and knock the knife out of his hand, reaching up to render him unconscious. He falls with a thump and I fashion a harness for him out of the end of the rope. The system of pulleys in the warehouse helps me get Sam up to the room where his brother is.

~~~

The Winchesters are broken men. That much is certain, now that their inner selves are laid bare for me to see. Raised in the hunting life, led by a father who was more like a drill sergeant. Who believed he was doing what was right and that it was the best he could do given the circumstances. His abuse was unintentional, but it was abuse and neglect nonetheless, and both of these men have suffered for it.

Dean’s crippling fear of not being good enough, of failing to protect his brother, is a result of too much responsibility given to him in his childhood. His own self-righteous need to be the one in charge, the one who is right and makes the decisions. Dependency on his brother leads him to make selfish choices which only hurt others, and he falls into the pattern of the same kind of unintentional abuse as his father.

Sam is the outcast, the unworthy, unclean child. Strove to fit in but realized it was futile and ran away, only to be brought back into the life by the same kind of disaster that made his father begin. His compassion and large heart comes from knowing what it means to be unloved and his desire that no one else feels that way if he can help it. But years of abuse, both physical and psychological, have broken him and made him into a man who believes that he has no choice but to live the life his father chose for him when he was six months old.

~~~

I’m seated in an armchair, watching the Winchesters as they wake from the dream I gave them that explained my actions. They’re tied to their own chairs, immobile for the time being. “Welcome back to the world of the waking,” I say with a smirk. Dean growls and jerks against the rope, but Sam just looks at me thoughtfully, and I know he at least was paying attention in the dream.

“I swear to god,” Dean says. “As soon as I’m out of these ropes--”

“You’ll kill me, yes,” I interrupt. “Give me five minutes, though, and maybe you’ll rethink that decision.”

“You only kill people you think deserve it, right?” Sam asks, voice quiet.

“Right.” I smile slightly at him. “Criminals who got off clean because of corruption in the system.”

“Who are you to decide that?” the older Winchester says. “Who gave you the right?”

I raise an eyebrow, turning my attention back to him. “Who gave you the right to kill my kind and other beings like me? A drunk, obsessive ex-soldier looking for revenge for his dead wife?” That shuts him up, and I soften my expression, continuing. “I read stories in the papers of killers who get away because of a technicality, rapists whose victims are too scared to testify. The system is bogged down with cases and, more often than not, small time criminals, local ones who don’t make the news, get away and keep hurting people. So I make sure they pay for their crimes and allow myself to survive without harming innocents.”

Sam watches me, thoughtful expression on his face still, but Dean shrugs. “So what? You’re still killing people.”

“So are you.” I sigh, standing. “Look, I’ll stop killing criminals the second you stop killing ‘monsters’.” My fingers form air quotes and he rolls those bright green eyes of his. “You know you two are just as much monsters to the supernatural community as we are to you, right?”

Dean scoffs, but Sam looks down, something almost like sorrow in the lines of his face. “I know there are stories about us in the hunter world,” the younger man says. “I’m sure there are similar ones in your world too.”

I nod. “You two need to realize that the world isn’t made up of black and white. It’s more about gray morality than you think. I know covens of witches who work to improve the lives of the humans they share neighborhoods with, vampires who drink only from animals, werewolves who abstain from human hearts. Do they deserve to die just because of something that happened to them?” The two men are silent. “Of course not. Just as you two do not deserve to die despite the demon blood and becoming a demon.”

“How do you…” Dean starts, eyes narrowed.

“Djinn know the wishes and fears of humans, and are in their minds to control the dream when they feed off them. I’ve seen inside both of you while you were sleeping.” Dean growls again, and I almost feel guilty about the look of fear that crosses Sam’s face. “So here’s my deal. You two stop hunting me, and spread the word to other hunters to leave me alone. Make sure you take care from now on to double-check that the ‘monster’ you’re hunting is actually guilty, and I’ll do the same for my targets. In return, I’ll let you go, no worse for wear.”

“How do we know you’ll keep your end of the deal?” Sam asks.

“Trust me, the day I start killing innocents is the day I come to you and tell you I’m done living.” I step towards him, ignoring him flinching away as I untie him and let the ropes drop to the floor. “You have your freedom and your life. All I ask in return is my own.” Sam stands, and then holds out his hand. I shake it warily, but he smiles a little at me.

“Go,” he says, stepping over to Dean. “You have our word. And know we’ll find you if you break your promise.” I nod and leave, walking away quickly as Sam frees his brother.

“You’re just letting her go?” The older Winchester’s voice is loud and incredulous, and I smirk as Sam answers, though I can’t make out what he says. I look down at my cell phone as I get in my car, smiling at Sam’s number in my contacts. I’ll keep an eye on them, and maybe one day, hunter and hunted can work together for a common goal, for good.

[liziworldthing-blog]

1/6/17

I arrived at Baiyun airport about 2am on Friday morning, it took me over 24 hours to get here due to me wanting cheap ticket and also flight getting cancelled due to lots of smog in Beijing. I also had to pick up my luggages from Beijing and re-check in. It was really difficult to get from Terminal to Terminal to catch my rescheduled flight with two luggages. A mid-age man took my luggage and started walking me to my terminal. I was touched and thought he worked at the airport. However, after I reached my terminal, he asked for 20 dollars, stupid me was taken by surprise and asked “dollars or RMB?”, I was soooo tired. Later I realized, no matter what his answer was, it should have been RMB. I would never forget this encounter because I realize even if I am not at my 100%, I need to remain alert and clear-headed to do well in China. Ms Lin who I know from childhood picked me up from the airport with her husband and my dad and drove home.

The next morning, me and dad came to a dimsum place across the street to make sure I turn in my sexual harassment certificate for work (it’s very noisy although free wifi), I also contacted Martina to schedule for weekly check-in. Hopefully it all turns out ok and I don’t have to explain that I am in China. Later, we went to get a sim card for me, in China, you need a resident card/or passport to open one. $50 for 2G which is not bad, there’s also what is called an “idle hour” where some company offer extra data for hours used after 11pm. Researching for the best deal is prominent in china, we spent over an hour trying to find the best deal between mobile shops that are only a block away from each other. Attitudes of the servers are really bad and they would not disclose all the information, so it is up to someone to be inquisitive. Later, I was walking and twisted my ankle and didn’t think much about it and went to curl my hair at a local salon (from referral of the glasses place). They spent 3 hours on my hair and I intent to return to dye my hair the next day.

Dad and I scheduled to have dinner with mom’s best friend and her family at a fancy Chinese place. Very good food and super clean. They shared their trip in U.S with me very excitedly, and then we got on the topic of “what can Chinese residents invest in?”. According to her, policy can change within a day so it’s important to be extremely flexible. Stock market in china is shit and real estate policy changing all the time is making it a very volatile market. There were policies in which control people from buying too much, for example, if your first house is not paid off, you need to put 70% as down payment for your second house. Later, the real estate sank so the government revised it to 30%. These policies are all implemented within couple years. Also retirement age has suddenly extended from age 55 to 65 with no incremental steps (this is how we lead to investment).  Later, they saw that I was crippled and went to the hospital with me. It’s a specialty hospital for bones, anything after closing time is considered Emergency. I pretended to be their daughter and used their healthcare. Employer healthcare works as a % of salary, so the daughter has about $300 every month to be reimbursed towards healthcare. Scan was about a couple hundred and exam was about $70. It’s open work space for the doctors, then they exam and write notes. However, everyone can access them, so sometimes people cut in line or put their medical papers on their desk so they would see them first. They sent me to get an X-ray, radiologist was rude and asked me to “put whatever hurts onto the table”. Devices were outdated and dirty. Afterwards, the doctor looks at the scan and prescribe. Sometimes, you can request them to prescribe you certain medicine. Interesting Chinese healthcare system experience.

1/9

I am on my way to Shanghai by taking the GaoTie (the fast train). Was told by He MingChong’s dad that he will be going to YiWu, which is a wholesaler paradise. However, he’s driving there which takes two days. He suggested that I take the train and spend time with Mabel in Shanghai and then meet up with him on the way back. Train takes only 8 hours.

Want to log some thoughts about yesterday’s meeting with Vidas CEO, he was explaining the idea he has for America. In china, most cabinet/kitchen models are showroom only with no storage in the back. In America, it’s the opposite. It’s like a cabinet supermarket. People go in to literally touch and feel the cabinets and then buy them to go. He explains that it Is backwards and can cause strains to cashflow due to storage fees and cabinets that aren’t sold for a long time. However, he cannot enter the SF market abruptly and ignoring the way of doing things right now. In America, most Chinese Americans rely on their ShiFu (the ones doing the manual work for the furnishing) and pick their furniture piece by piece – so he is looking for partners. His goal is to work with design consulting companies and have them work with Vidas designers. He wants to provide team services to high end customers who wants to customize their kitchen. I didn’t learn much about business, but I did learn some customs of talking business in China. You take them out for food, order expensive dishes, and then take them to your territory, and you “drink tea”. Drink tea is so prominent, even when I am at someone’s house, we are constantly being poured tea. Vidas CEO was very soft spoken and attentive, which is good to know that you don’t need to be aggressive to do business in China. However, when I asked about how he started, he was very hesitant. And just repeated the mission of Vidas. I guess giving very little information to others is a skill of its own- so is repetition to drive home the point when you have nothing else to talk about.

Wechat is a big thing in china. You use it to pay, use it to order tickets, and it’s linked to your bank account. So when I tried to buy tickets, I wasn’t able to do so, and had to ask someone. The train station itself is also very complicated, would need an hour of buffer time. There’s restaurants on the train and security check in for bags. It’s almost Chinese new year in china, which means lots of stealing because lots of non-mainlanders are trying to bring something back home. I was told not to sleep on the 8 hour train!

I went to visit He MingChong’s house. Real estate is another big thing in China. My dad told the story of how we were about to immigrate, so was gonna sell the house for 200k, however, now it’s worth over 2 million. The house He MingChong bought in 2005 was one million, now it’s 10 million. It’s a 3 story house in Pang Yu. Then we drove to ShunDe to eat fish. They catch the fish from the pond and slice them and hot pot it. We also went to a restaurant with Monogolian Bao, and bought some lamb skewers which were very good. You can see plenty of mountains running through China on the train, it’s quite untouched and pretty.

1/11/17

Bought my last minute ticket to Shanghai and took a 8 hour train ride and arrived at Shanghai. Mabel picked me up and we went for a dinner at a fusion Hongkongnese place in a fancy mall. I ordered an angel hair pasta and she ordered a duck risotto. Then we went to her place which is next to the Xing Hai Music school. Her neighbor is applying for the music school so you hear piano sometimes. Her place is small, but her room is quite tidy. We had good talks about life at night and about the despair we feel about the economy and guys in china. The next day, we had shanghai breakfast at a hole in the wall, and I sent her to her work at The Economist. I went to the famous temple and garden in Shanghai and took a walk next to the water and found a cute café to rest my feet. At night, we went into the wrong restaurant and had vegetarian food. We talked about her love life, and her fear of not liking it when she knows a guy likes her and that she can’t tell the difference between friendship and love.

I bid her goodbye at 7am this morning and took the train to Yi Wu, where I spent half the time resting my feet and half the other time browsing the wholesale goods. There are an incredible amount of merchandise from sporting goods (where I bought a pair of shoes) and accessories and toys, etc. There are 5 districts, I only had time for 2. Basic idea is you buy in bulk, sometimes small items wholesale at 1000 pc, and sometimes at a dozen. Drones can whole sale at 18 pcs, at 300rmb each. Later, I met up with He MingChong’s dad and his coworker, who has a stake in the company. He is running a second factory, where he shares his shares with his employees. We then went to visit the VP of a company who showed us the storage of bikes that he has in stock and went to eat dinner. Dinner conversations are good, and he is very knowledgable. Making “things” smart is a very common wish for the products, I guess tech is not caught up yet. Again, the reoccurring theme of service economy kept coming up. He was saying how with scooters, someone came to him and said he will change the batteries for the elderly using the disability mobiles. Also, it is confirmed that virtual business is no longer the hot market, and many are looking elsewhere. At night, I had talks with the dad and conversed about how everyone in Shanghai is a business man, but bc the environment in china doesn’t encourage it, everyone is trying to scam someone or escape tax.

1/14/17

First, I need to record about the last bits of the journey with He Ming Chong daddy’s journey. He was telling me about how from placing an order to getting a payment for an order usually takes up to 60 days. Between factories and factories, for example, if HeMingChong’s daddy gets an order from a client, they would start making the stuff without the client’s payment. However, in manufacturing, they would need to order from another manufacturer. Therefore, if the other manufacturer does not give them the stuff in time, they cannot turn over to the client. And even if they turn over the stuff to the client, the client would procrastinate in making the payment. (Bosses are happy when employees are able to drag it out in payment, perhaps due to cashflow?) Therefore, it’s extremely difficult for small manufacturers to function. Because they need to pay others to make stuff or spend money on making their own product, and then because the client doesn’t pay them yet, they might end up having to spend lots of time in the negatives. I asked what if the products malfunction, they say then the client will drag out the payment even longer. This is not a good practice, but it has been the standard of doing business in China.

The next day, I was able to get together ten-ish elementary school friends at Mann Café, a very cute, wooden furniture coffee place. The teacher also came. We had some conversations about what we are doing as a job. Some are doing design, some are doing 文工，some in marketing, some in event planning. There was this girl who wants to explore the world by going to Australia…however, I don’t think you can explore the world with a boyfriend. And also she did not plan on when yet, she just wants to “play”. I think that is a quite naïve and without purpose. At night, there was this other guy who joined us, he partnered with his ex-coworkers in opening a wig shop. Mostly retail model. A lot of the “bosses” in China have the same look. Slick black jacket, the habit of smoking, the low voice talking, the need to drink, the opening of the topics in a very casual way, the sit-back posture. Someone was telling me about how local Cantonese people are conservative compared to out of the province. The “foreigners” are more willing to take out a loan to start a business, whereas locals want to build a foundation and work a full time job to buy a house. However, once you buy a house, because the houses are so unaffordable, the chances of you doing other things are limited. Especially when the marriage age in china is so low. Your life is basically spent at one job, at one place, paying for one house, working for someone else’s dream at a very young age without having the options to explore. With millennials sharing the same type of “lifestyle” (eg. Only working at the same company for little more than a year), Chinese young working class have it very hard. I wonder where the young working classes look for inspirations? Foreign books? Foreign talk shows? What about their local resources. I went on a date with Wu Jiaoyang today at Grandma’s House at this shopping mall near my house, food was good and we chatted about her life at Chicago for two years, and how she wants to return. She studied Economy as a master student at Illinoise-Champagne. Same place that Jayson went for Psychology. She also informed me that personal statement business is popular, especially for students whose grades aren’t that good and family want to send them aboard to study, they won’t have the ability to write it themselves. If they contact some middle agency, it’s going to cost more. Later on, we went to a bookstore – I really enjoy the coffee shops here. Very nice.

1/24/17

I am at 海底捞 waiting for my number to be called, it’s been two hours. There are nails and snacks in front of the restaurant while you wait. I think it’s the service that people are buying in. I did something stupid earlier, when they led me in and gave me a table, it was a small table and I didn’t ask for a regular table for 6 people. I didn’t consider that there would be food and then there would be no space. I then later on asked for a bigger table, but they said there was none. Foreseeing consequences. I still need to work on it.

I went to Kayla’s wedding thing on 20th-23rd. It was quite a stressful time. Kerwin’s mom was the planner but was for some reason, very reluctant to share the logistics of the wedding – when asked, she would say just wait till rehearsal the next day. However, there was details that she was telling me that was unable to connect or don’t make sense. She was putting on a wedding that looks good on the surface but chaotic at the end. We didn’t have enough bridesmaid or groomsman until the very end. It was a very good looking wedding with traditional Chinese decorations and outfits. There were these VIP rooms that were filled with smokes and alcohol, guessing it was the government officials.

1/29/17

The next couple days when I come back, it was mostly seeing relatives. I also got to see my brother (elementary school friend) and his friends for the Escape Room and karaoke. It was lots of fun. The escape room wasn’t complicated or difficult, but it was just too many people and hard to get close to the clues. But it was huge and well decorated. My brother and his gf gave me a Pandora necklace, I was wayyy surprised. Even my blood related brother didn’t even care to do so. I went shopping with Auntie Jingjing the next day, and got a good idea of how much clothing costs here. I also went to play toy picking machine with another elementary school friend and got a lot of toys. I learned how to strategically pick toys. The business thoughts are less prominent now, I think I am a bit discouraged by the complication of doing business in China. I think I am also slowly discouraged by how troublesome Execly was, and limiting my imagination to very limited scope.

NOTES:

Shopping List for when I come back:

-couple bottles of wine and brand bag for Auntie Jing Jing and Bachong uncle

-running shoes for Brother and his gf

Ideas: dash cam, shoes, bras, university vlog

[umjulikins]

1-100!!!!

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

patricia, and i really hate it actually lol

2. are you artistic?

i like to consider myself to be, though i don’t think so...

3. Have you had your first kiss?

lol yeah, but i feel like a dick not remembering when it was. i thought it was a different time, but i’ve been told otherwise whoops

4. What is your life goal?

being happy and financially stable probably

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

actually, i performed at a bernie sanders rally. i have a picture with him, and i’ve also met shailene woodley through the rally. it was hecking neat.

6. Do you play any sports?

if i hear that marching band is a sport one more time, i’m gonna mcfreaking lose it. so, no. i do not.

7. What’s your worst fear?

abandonment or distrust

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

oh man, that’s hard to say. i really like jaiden from a youtube channel called jaidenanimations, because she’s so humble and artistically talented.

probably my mom too, she’s number seven on the greatest wonders of the world

9. Do you have any cool talents?

whistling? i can play ukelele? i’m good at crying idk

10. are you a morning person?

it’s so debatable honestly. i hate getting up in the morning, but i love being awake in the morning. so yes and no.

11. How do you feel about pet names?

fuckin love it, give me pet names

12. Do you like to read?

no not at all, it takes me a really good book to get me engaged on reading

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

parks & rec, supernatural (not bc i loved it but because i befriended people bc of it, i actually am over spn lmao), south park??

14. Do you care about your follower count?

no, because i’m sick and tired of porn bots following me, and they are the huge majority that try to follow me until i block them

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

hahahahah, i had a dream that me and my bf were taking care of this proportionably large frog that could speak fluent english and was wearing a diaper. to this day, when we call each other bf and gf, it really means “big frog” and “giant frog” bc of my dream.

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

nope, but i’ve dreamt of it.

17. Do you have any pets?

no!!! but we might get a dog pretty soon... 3/4 of the family is all in for a dog.

18. Are you religious?

lmao this sounds pretentious, but i’d say my entire family (along with me) identifies being roman catholic, but i personally consider myself for agnostic. i wouldn’t want to ultimately reject my familial identity because i was raised catholic my entire life, it would be disassociating a part of me. but if it all comes down to my beliefs, i would happily defend people who are a little ignorant against catholicism.

19. Are you a people person?

i used to???? i’m really not anymore, especially with senior year i’m really tired of people’s shit lmao

20. Are you considered popular?

oh definitely not. i don’t mean this in a very modest way either, i mean it in a way that i often disassociate.

21. What is one of your bad habits?

being oversensitive???prolly idfk

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable

cry

23. What would you name your children?

i know i’m homestuck trash but i would legitimately name my child jade. not because of homestuck, but i identify so much relation to the name jade. it’s my favourite colour, my favourite type of plant, and it’s a simple four letter name with a letter j.

in terms of boy names, i really like the names jude or charlie. how fucking weird would it be having two kids name jude and jade though holy shittttt

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

winona fuckin ryder aka pls adopt me

25. What’s your best subject?

science for sure!

26. Dogs or cats?

unpopular opinion: cats and dogs are both a gift to this world and there’s no reason to point them against each other

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

snapchat, instagram, and then facebook.

28. best friends name

shit.

um i have more than one?? dean, ana, emily, makena, and zany?

29. who does your main family consist of

my mom and dad, and my younger brother.

30. Chocolate or sugar

chocolate

31. have you ever been on a date?

yeah, my first one was ridiculously awkward though

32. Do you like rollercosters?

yeah sure, it’s aight. i have a friend who has a mental list of a bunch of rollercoaster facts, so i refer to him in case i’m really hesitant to go on one.

33. Can you swim?

kinda? i know how to actually swim across water, but i have trouble treading it

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

ok here’s where my hiding place would be. and i encourage people to do the same actually.

hide the fuck out in costco. the walls are thick as hell so it’d be a struggle for zombies to break into. costco is spacey as fuck, so you can camp out anywhere and it’d be okay. you pretty much have a life supply of food, as well as other supplies because it’s a mega mart.

you’re good pretty much for the rest of your life if you think about it, i know i would!

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

i don’t believe so. i’ve never been diagnosed of anything but i also never know.

36. Are your parents together?

yeah

37. What’s your favourite colour?

green, but i can’t decide on any shade of green. i love all the greens.

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

usa! usa! usa!

39. Favourite singer?

currently the 1975 from the top of my head

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

absolutely not, i don’t wish to be

41. Do you like dresses?

yes!!!!!! i love dressing very feminine!!!!! dresses with pockets are the best

42. Favourite song right now?

“lifeboat” from heathers the musical

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

kind of, i’m actually a bit repulsed by sex... but mayhaps in the future when i find the right person?? idk

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

12 y/o i think

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

oh no, not really. kinda intimidating

46. Have you ever done yoga?

not as an active hobby

47. Are you a horror girl?

oh HELL yeah, i’m a horror to this socie––

just kidding, yes i do like horror movies. still scared of it though, but i like it!!

48. Are you good at giving advice?

the irony here is that i’ve been told i do tell good advice, but i NEVER follow my own advice

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

one time, my dad accidentally left the back door locked from the backyard when i was in a kiddie pool. it all of a sudden started raining, and i couldn’t open the door to get inside because it was locked. i was sick the next day.

50. How are you doing today?

honestly, i could be doing better but right now i’m just chilling

51. Were you a cute kid?

i think so!!! i take pride in my days during elementary school....middle school is a different story though.

52. Can you dance?

yes!! it bothers me when people say they can’t dance, when i think anyone can! it’s all a matter of taking pride in your dance moves!! can you take pride in your dance moves?

but, in terms on doing it as a hobby, no! i used to.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

i don’t understand this question lmao

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

no, but i actually would love to die the underside of my hair a deep teal/turquoise!!

55. What colour are your eyes?

dark brown, but golden under light. it’s pretty neat.

56. What’s your favourite animal?

i don’t consider this my favourite animal but i still love them a lot

look up the argentine red tegu lizard

also, i really like ladybugs!!

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

always everyday

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

with my mom, yes! i tell her everything, and she’s so sweet and patient!

with my dad, kinda!

59. Do you have good friends?

sure :^)

they just are too far away

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

a lot of people yes! two of my best friends are bisexual, and majority of my friends are allies!

61. What’s your favourite class?

i actually don’t have one, every class that i’ve ever known has some form of annoying the hell out of me

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

none currently as we speak, but i’m waiting for the next season of american horror story and stranger things to appear. i am watching a series of unfortunate events with dean, but we’re only on episode 4 together. it’s been a long time since we’ve watched an episode though, because we always want to watch it together.

63. Are you organized?

somewhat? i am more organized than others, but i’m very great at hiding my disorganization from others to give off the illusion that i am organized.

i like to think that my obsessive compulsive personality is the cause of that honestly.

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

la la land, a fav of mine

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

shit man, there’s a lot of fictional characters i relate with.

veronica sawyer from heathers

jade harley from homestuck

dirk strider from homestuck

heather mcnamara from heathers

lucy van pelt from charlie brown

terra from teen titans

over half of these aren’t from tv though lmao

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

i try to confront it. if i failed even after confronting it, i accept that it’s simply just not meant to be. which sucks if you think about it, but i am way too passive for my well being.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

traveling, and maybe saving that money for my future children and their college intuition.

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

probably being friends with certain people... there’s a lot of relationships i really regret.

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

being more bitter and negative publicly. people sometimes feel the need to take advantage of others who are considerably weaker than them, and i feel that i often put myself in that position. if i relentlessly take no shit and kinda??? scare people away, i don’t feel the paranoia of getting hurt by others

yikes this is getting negative zero to a hundred real quick

also, i know i’m not really phrasing it right, but hopefully you know what i mean!!

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

but at the same time, i’m also really content where i am now. i know i can improve more internally, but i also don’t really care for change.

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

definitely

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

during christmas break, i went to big bear!!

i also went to las vegas that same break, but it’s not a new place hahaha

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

dean

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

shit, idk i’m still drowning in teen angst at the moment, i’m not doing anything revolutionary or some shit atm

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

a cartoonist. i still kinda wanna be one, especially knowing my art is improving so much, and i’m getting more exposure as an artist, and i’m landing myself on better platforms of art.

but it’s a tough and risky job opportunity. i’d love to do it as a hobby.

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

um, probably my relationship with people now. i don’t have a lot of artsy friends except maybe four; but even so, putting my effort all in an animation project requires a lot of independent work.

probably financial stability too.

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

when i realized that i was slowly losing my closest friend.

i still miss them lmao

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

financially stable, happily in love with someone who accepts me, in a small home with plants and dogs.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

i’d probably be on top of my homework, and applying for a full ib diploma

but i wouldn’t really be artistically and musically talented, nor would i have a lot of friends

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

i would consistently changing personas every decade and seek out a whole new lifestyle

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

irresponsibly, realistically

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

future. the past sucks ass no matter what. but years after trump became president and then some, assuming the next president has a lot of cleaning up to do.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

knowing that someone out there genuinely believes in me.

even one person makes a difference.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

probably being in love in such a young age. albeit it’s lame to assume of such idealistic things like that, but it’s always something worth fighting for. the future sounds brighter if remembering that someone loves you unconditionally.

also i have met more dogs everyday.

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

woods? i really wanna do a lot on my garden if i can!!

88. Do you believe in life after death

i consider it hopeful/wishful thinking, so i wouldn’t be opposed to it being true.

though i think of eternal bliss as a bigger possibility since i was brought up to believe it.

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

my sophomore and junior year english teacher, mrs. beatty. she never forgot about me despite how quiet of a kid i was, and she always believed in my fullest potential.

dr. vanstrom, my human anatomy & physiology teacher is really great too, i consider her a really great teacher, but i have no person relationship with her. 

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

my old family friend, christopher, and i were vacationing with our families at lake arrowhead during winter break when i was like, eight i think. there’s this very quaint townsquare near the area we were staying at, and the two of us walked around the townsquare.

we really freaked our parents out though, because they thought that we were lost or kidnapped because we left without supervision or telling them where we were going, but i remember going to a candy store to get gummy bears in the freezing cold.

i wonder how christopher’s doing though.

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

malala yousafzai, just because she’s such an inspiration.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

it doesn’t take me a lot to cry over anything, trust me.

i cried once because someone’s chocolate meringue pie was delicious.

i cried once because a really fluffy puppy was rolling over.

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

it’s okay to miss people from a distance, but it’s not okay to ask them to come back. i think it’s important that the toxic relationships you decide to refrain from is a very valid and hard decision to make, so i’m proud of you if you get out of it. you deserve so much better to put yourself back into such a vicious cycle.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

everything is black for eternity

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

?????honestly?????what CAN you do while you’re invisible other than spying people???

invisibility is such a shitty power, i want the power to read minds selectively so i can ace every academic test in the future and be accepted from every job application FUCK

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

i can’t really seem to shake the idea of negative thoughts and insecurities. of course it’s inevitable for literally everyone at some point, but it still sucks having

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

no, i really want to give my child the freedom to choose who they want to be or who they want to present themselves as. i as the parent should love them unconditionally

98. How did your first crush develop?

eh, his friend told me that he liked me and i believed it

i shouldn’t have though, because there was really no evidence that he liked me, and he even denied it when his friends straight up told me

thinking about it now, i think he never really did like me, and his friend was just being a dick. and i latched onto that idea which was even worse holy shit

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

yeah dude, i’m sure everyone is though

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

existing for sure.

thanks dude!!!