#and also. finish the book/verse comic i started a million years ago????

[attila-werther]

OH HELLO THE 2023 MOVIE IS ON THE (redacted) SITE NOW

[mividaeslimones]

Day 01: start of the process...

I think this is one of the more unnerving days I’ve had in a while. I checked in at 1:30 pm and it’s now 3:00 pm and there’s still no sign of the provider... I split my time between Michelle Obama’s book, Spanish lessons, and some recipes I found on Pinterest. Driving to the appointment had been the usual level of Albuquerque fuckery, so I can’t complain too much there (I should be used to it), checking in had been a breeze, but this waiting... I almost want to get up and leave I’m so anxious. But I’ll stay positive and keep my ass parked in this chair as other patients are roomed and seen quickly.

I’m moved to another room at 3:05 and this does absolutely nothing for my nerves. But I smile and follow the nurse without complaint anyway. I remind myself I’m not leaving without progress at the very least. I’ve waited too long and have come too far. Just breathe in, breathe out, and repeat. Smile as more patients and clinical staff pass in the hall. There’s a damn good reason the appointment was so delayed which I’ll address later.

It’s now 3:05 pm, I’m ready to climb out of my skin. The provider moseys in and things are...odd? Both of us are actively trying to feel out the other, and I imagine the fly on the wall is tickled pink. When we finally start I’m in tears, in all my 32 years of being on this planet I can fit the number of people who have actively tried to make sure my pronouns were as they should be. It’s a weird and uncomfortably visceral feeling. I cried, she cried, and then she cracked a joke this will be easier, because crying will literally be harder after testosterone.

We chat for a bit and I lean into the conversation with my overly tired and rehearsed, “so I know it varies from state to state, and clinic to clinic, but will I need a diagnosis of dysphoria to make this happen?” Yes, yes I will; insurance companies will outright deny it. She dances around “the question”, I know she’s trying to be delicate with me so I cut in with a wild move.

“When did I know?” She looks relieved and says “yes.” I think for a minute, not because I’m inventing answer, but because I’ve literally never given it a second thought since I’ve pushed it down. It is one of a million neat and tidily wrapped boxes (in a mellowed robin egg blue) I’ve kept locked away inside. “I tell her I feel cliched for saying this, but I think it was kindergarten...” I go on about the rips in the perfect discount tights from Nordstrom and the filthy dresses. I also mention how hilarious I must have looked to the adults who watched the kindergartners. I was the most careful child, but in spite of my best efforts I came home a mess. Can you imagine some poor child comically stepping over puddles and trying to ascend a tree with the tenacity of a sloth? And I would later have the dreaded conversation with my mother on the subject... One day I just decided it wasn’t worth the effort anymore and I caved. I stopped the rough play, then resigned to quieter and less messy activities.

But I still tried on some level... I wanted the reprieve. So I’d slyly sneak over to the boy’s racks of some department store to try toss in a shirt or a pair of pants. And when I was inevitably caught I would be taken by the arm, before I was abrasively whispered something along the lines of, “it will look like no one loves you if you dress like a boy.” It was another weird little box to unwrap... Honestly, it didn’t feel like something that belonged to me anymore. Kind of like when you step into a house that was converted into a museum. You see the remnants of a life lived by someone eons ago, and it’s sad to some extent, but it’s not real, or tangible. After having context for some of this I think I sort of understand her reasoning... As awful as some of her behavior was, I think it came from a good place, which I’ll get into later.

Woo! Anyway! The provider went on to ask a few more things before we finished up the brief questionnaire. I honestly mean it was brief, like the Spanish Inquisition could have laughed at it. I was asked about the surgery portion and I said I wasn’t ready, not out of fear, but out of an understanding of how the procedure works. If a person wants a something like a subcutaneous mastectomy (boob removal) with chest contouring (shaping of your moobs), you need something to be there, if you’re particular about the outcome. If you’re not, you’re amazing and more power to you. But for the rest of us (who avoided the gym) we will need to work building up that area as much as we can. The question came up of if I wanted to keep my current primary provider and I said yes. My doctor is more enthusiastic about this whole thing than I am, like she sounded ready to jump on anyone who dared tell me no to any of this. I did mention it was weird that my current health system (outside of UNM) didn’t have a way to look up the endocrinologist who helps trans patients. I even called when I couldn’t find anything online. I said it was kind of my deciding factor to keep this part of my care with UNM, since that seemed very sketch to me. She also seemed to think it was a little odd, and quietly brought the rest of my concern up... Which was this endocrinologist may treat trans patients frequently, but he may not be the gentlest or versed, and we moved along...

It was weird, she was willing to give me a script that day, but she was hesitant to bring up the blood panel. Which I was completely fine with by the way! I would much rather be safe than sorry, your health is nothing to take for granted. Shoot I even requested to tack on another for peace of mind (STI check). I’m going to be checked to see where my glucose is at, along with my cholesterol, if my cells are clumping or if it looks like I might have something like macrocytosis (puffy/large cells), and I’m getting a pregnancy test. I’d be shocked if the last one turned up anything, I haven’t done the horizontal tango since the beginning of the year, I think, it’s been a long time okay.

I did kick myself when I realized I broke my own cardinal rule before the appointment. DON’T EAT. I always shoot for the earliest appointment available so I can eat immediately after, this wasn’t an option, so I ate on accident... You never know when your provider will want to order blood work. Which means this could completely screw up a blood panel. It’s the equivalent of crossing your legs when you’re getting your blood pressure taken. Now I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and get a draw... Which would have meant waiting to take the testosterone, because yes you guessed it, that too would skew the results.

In all honesty, I’d have to wait on taking the script anyway, my insurance has to approve it and get something from my doctor. I had suspected this from the get go, because nothing in life if ever this easy for me. Haha. And it was confirmed when the pharmacy technician looked over the sheet of paper. I could see it in his eyes there was an issue, still he optimistically told me twenty minutes. He was super nice and apologetic about the whole thing, and he even urged me to call everyone and their mother if I hadn’t heard anything in a week, so this didn’t fall through the cracks. Like the man was so adamant about it, the whole thing threw me off.

So if you’re still wanting to know why the appointment was so late, there was a power outage yesterday. With everything being digital this can take some clinics or organizations days or weeks to catch up on (if there was extensive damage). And if you’re wondering about the mother thing, well, she had a cousin who died of HIV/aids. He was the sweetest and kindest man, with the most rotten luck in the world. Some would say he would have no luck at all if it weren’t for all the bad luck. He was also gay. I’m not going to name him, I didn’t know him, and it might upset my great aunt to know I posted this. I adore her, so I won’t do that. My point is, I genuinely think she still fears the maybes, the might bes, or the definites of living outside of what society has deemed as acceptable. Which is probably problematic, but I don’t think there is anything anyone could do or say to sway her at this point. Personally? I don’t care. Since I’ve lived in New Mexico I’ve had random men try to solicit me on a jog, I’ve been groped at my place of employment, I’ve had a gun pointed in my face, I’ve had people put me in headlocks, people have laid hands on my property with the intent to damage it, some have even succeeded in damaging it, and I’ve had my life threatened. I think I’m over the worst case scenario. I also think I need to dial things back a notch. After living here for over ten years I recognize that I’ve become harder and colder; I am absolutely ready to pop off on someone who’s clearly in the wrong. But today has taught me, that things are indeed easier than they used to be, and they’re continuing to improve.

[seanmalatesta]

4 Ways to Make Daily Progress on Goals

Most people think intensity is the key to accomplishing huge goals, but Jerry Seinfeld would disagree. When this stand-up comic, co-creator of Seinfeld, and actor worth $950 million considers the reason for his success, he credits one word: consistency.

Early on in his career, Jerry started writing at least one joke per day. He hung a giant calendar on the wall, and every time he finished his daily joke, he drew a big red X over the day. Over time, the string of Xs formed a long chain. Jerry says the draw of money and fame didn’t motivate him. The real motivator was to not break the chain.

This daily joke routine is a perfect example of a habit goal. Habit goals keep you focused on small tasks that can be completed each day. Consistent victories keep the momentum going. A more popular goal is an achievement goal. These are big hairy goals that end up paralyzing you instead of pushing you. They require intensity. As a seasoned achievement goal setter, trust me when I say it’s not worth it. It’s the little steps that make a big impact.

If you want to make progress, you’ll need to trade intensity for consistency. Follow these 4 steps to get moving on your goals today.

“ If you want to make progress, you’ll need to trade intensity for consistency.

—MICHAEL HYATT

Step 1: Get clear on your goal.

You can’t accomplish a goal until you’ve defined it. Vision always comes first. Whether you’re working toward a habit goal or an achievement goal, get clarity about the end result you want.

Get specific about your goal. And write it down. Thoughts disentangle themselves as they pass over the lips and through pencil tips. Until you can write down a clear goal, you don’t really know what you want.

Writing down the goal is especially important when a team is involved. You may feel clarity in your brain, but you can’t create alignment until it’s on paper. This first step is critical to success.

Step 2: Identify the right behavior.

Next, determine what behavior will enable you to achieve your goal. Don’t make this behavior too difficult. When practiced over and over again, it should get you incrementally closer to major change.

I recently crashed through a big physical barrier by sticking to a small behavioral change. I had 25 stubborn pounds that just wouldn’t fall off. Instead of muscling my way through the weight or booking an intimidating Ironman triathlon, I cut out sugar and processed carbs.

That’s it. Every day, I focused on this simple step. It was super easy. It didn’t feel like an insurmountable goal. It was a simple behavioral change. I stayed consistent. Those pesky pounds dropped off in about three months. Just like a fad diet, intense goal setting doesn’t work. It’s about lifestyle change. Consistently follow the right behavior.

Step 3: Track your progress.

Tracking progress accomplishes two objectives:

It reinforces the habit through self-accountability.

It boosts motivation by showing you visual progress.

Like Jerry Seinfeld’s compulsion to keep the chain going, recording your progress will keep you motivated. Seeing the string of success will generate more momentum for the days to come.

If you aren’t sure how to get started with tracking, my team can help. We put together a free Perfect Progress Checklist that you can download here.

Step 4: Enlist an accountability partner.

Building a relationship with an accountability partner might be the most impactful step you can take. I’m not the first person to say that. Remember verses 9 and 10 in Ecclesiastes 4?

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe to the one who falls when he is alone.” That’s the value of accountability.

Once you decide to enlist an accountability partner, it’s critically important to choose the right person. Years ago, when focusing on my golf game, I chose a partner that ragged on my mistakes. You can probably guess what happened. The more he ridiculed me, the worse I got.

Your accountability partner must be encouraging. It might be a friend or coworker. It could also be a professional counselor, coach, or trainer.

Progress is within reach for you, but you might need to restructure the way you think about goals. When you lean into habit goals instead of achievement goals, you’ll get moving in no time.

from Michael Hyatt https://ift.tt/3f3SLkY via IFTTT