#and also yes obviously fat old people are not always happy or healthy. yes being obese can cause health problems.
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one of the first arguments that a fatphobic person will make when pressed on the topic of their fatphobia is: "well you never see any fat old people," as if to imply that being fat will automatically kill you at the age of 60.
Okay but that is straight up incorrect. I literally do see fat old people all the time. They're in my family. They're my neighbors. They visit my workplace. They're my coworkers. They smile at me on the street. Fat old people with grey hair and wrinkles and loose skin. Fat old people with hanging tummies and thick arms and double chins. Fat old people who are active pillars in their communities and are good to those around them. Fat old people who are alive and healthy and retired and are loved by their families.
Fat old people are not myths. They are only invisible to fatphobic people.
#fatphobia#and also yes obviously fat old people are not always happy or healthy. yes being obese can cause health problems.#but literally any category of human will have someone who is not always happy and healthy#and fatphobic people seem to refuse to interpret any fat person's life as anything but miserable and a prison of their own making
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OKAY so on the topic of Star Wars takes wrt ācharacter ends up in an A/B/O universe where theyāre an omega, but they were previously a cis male in their canonā
@atagotiak and I had some Thoughts on discord
So, obviously, Anakin would make a good omega and heās also incredibly murdery. Foregone conclusion that we're using him for this.
There is no preexisting Anakin in the Omegaverse. He shows up JUST as the war is starting. Canon timeline is in the third year of the war (heās 22), but whatever dumped him into omegaverse also tossed him back a few years. No de-aging, just a bit of mismatched timeline stuff.
He's... really good at war, and clearly a Jedi, so the Temple just kind of goes "WELL OKAY THEN, SURE, YOU'RE IN, EVERYONE PRETEND HE'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME." The Jedi, by and large, don't care about omegaverse dynamics beyond 'what do you need, medically, to be happy and healthy' and 'what do you need to be aware of so you can be prepared for biases you encounter in the field?ā
None of the civilian natborns (mainly politicians) want to put him on the field because of those biases. Anakin, being Anakin, is VERY blatantly an omega in scent, has never been on suppressants (because it wasn't a thing he fucking NEEDED), is incredibly emotional as a person, loves kids, etc.
Like, nobody wants an omega fighting a war anyway, but THIS one is like PINNACLE omega, and those awful Jedi are making him FIGHT just because he's good at stab!
The Jedi: Actually, it's because he's got several years of war experience that we don't, and he's a good tactician that works well with the clones-- Coruscant: You MONSTERS The Jedi: Look, we gave him the option to not stab and he looked absolutely devastated. Anakin, several days earlier: You donāt want me? Iām not good enough??? Jedi: Also he can beat up at least half the temple.
He doesn't know a damn thing about dynamics, but he DOES know that sometimes he's so horny he wants to stab HARDER. The clones are largely disinterested in their generals' dynamics because between mostly-Mando* trainers and no-dynamic Kaminoans, they only really care if a person can shoot.
* Mandalore approves of Fighty Omegas. As far as (traditional) Mandalore is concerned, you want an omega that will kill the threats to your children as well as you do.
Anakin: You know more about being an omega than I do. Rex: ...I'm an alpha. Anakin: Yeah. Let that one sink in a bit.
We have two options for Obi-Wan!
Omegaverse local Obi-Wan (beta) has never met this man before, and is very unnerved that the immediate default reaction Anakin has to his presence is releasing Family pheromones as if Obi-Wan is his DAD and like. This strange, too-tall man from another dimension has got absolutely NO control over what he projects in the Force OR in his dynamic.
Obi-Wan was ALSO transplanted from canon to omegaverse, and is also an omega, for contrast reasons. He is nice and friendly and and likes poetry and that sort of thing... but also he has the highest dismemberment count in the movies. Also he doesnāt prioritize romance.
We went with the second one because it's hilarious.
Someone watching them spar: Wow, omegas from that universe are terrifying.
As previously mentioned, now with some tweaking to account for both: Obi-Wan and Anakin just straight up don't exist until they drop headfirst into the council room, already covered in blood. (It's mostly not theirs.)
Nobody realizes either one is an omega until they "naturalize" to this dimension and Anakin goes into heat... and doesn't realize it, actually, because his primary symptom is heightened protectiveness and aggression. Everyone else with the right nose realizes, because the man has no control over his pheromone production, but Anakin? No. He just stabs. Heās angry and horny and he will cut someone.
Ahsoka has no reaction to human pheromones but basically everyone smells Anakin's "my child!" reaction to her, so... Cool. Have a padawan, we guess.
Anakin ends up sparring a lot with Aayla and Ahsoka, because only humans and near humans have dynamics, so these two don't REACT to the pheromones situation.
(Palpatine is a Kindly Old Beta who tries to treat Anakin the way he EXPECTS Anakin wants to be treated, which is. Not. Accurate.)
(Anakin hates it.)
I'm just so in love with "An omega can't fight." "You wanna fuckin' bet?"
There are plenty of omega Jedi, by the way, it's just... most of them can keep it relatively low-key instead of Anakin's jet-engine broadcast. Some, if they're known to be omega, probably take advantage of being underestimated, like Obi-Wan probably (and especially a version of Obi-Wan that was always an omega, unlike this version). They have a very different way of presenting themselves than Anakin, who's not subtle about being an omega and also not subtle about being all aggressive and stabby.
At one point, Anakin has to protect some Very Traditional Individuals who get all "Stay back, Omega, it's not safe!" and he's just... so tired of this shit. āYou are squishy civilians and I'm a trained Jedi Knight and accomplished GAR General who's killed more people in one sitting than there are in this entire palace. Sit the fuck down and let me do my job.ā
It starts making the rounds that Anakin insisted on fighting in person, and the rumors shift from "how dare the Jedi force an omega to fight" and over into things that are deeply hurtful in-universe in the vein of "broken omega" and some people try to say it to his face but like...
He didn't grow up here.
He doesn't care.
Say that to one of his friends and he's going to rip out your spleen, probably, but say it to him and he's just staring at you flatly and asking if that's a negative on getting away from the encroaching battle droids, sir?
"You're rather unpleasant for an omega, aren't you?" [deeply offensive] "I literally could not give less of a fuck about your opinion. Move."
It's not that there aren't omegas that act like Anakin, either, it's just that most of them aren't, you know, Jedi who regularly interact with the upper crust, or capable of his level of destruction. Unbeknownst to Anakin, everyone clocks him as Outer Rim based on his behavior, well before his accent gives him away, and certainly before he mentions he's from Tatooine, because Core Omegas Don't Act Like That.
Someone they meet in a more diplomatic setting says something decently passive-aggressive about how at least Obi-Wan acts more like how an Omega should. Then a battle breaks out for some reason, and... well. Anakin and Obi-Wan cause such a scandal by keeping score of kills in a battle, donāt you know?
Turns out sending Anakin to fight Ventress is great because she keeps expecting him to react a certain way but NO he's here to STAB.
I like the idea that Obi-Wan's favorite opponent these days is Grievous because the cyborg doesn't have a nose, and thus gives zero fucks about dynamics or heats. Dooku is a rich old man who has opinions heavily influenced by Sith Juice Making Him More of a Dick, and the Dathomiri can smell dynamics even if they don't have them, and so they have biases about those things. Meanwhile, Grievous is just there to Kill, and Obi-Wan genuinely appreciates the lack of commentary on his dynamic.
Dookuās probably an alpha, or a beta who's used the whole "we are more level-headed" thing as one of several angles to keep himself the public face and supreme commander of the CIS.
On to more fluffy things that have less to do with political biases.
There's a lot of "I'm upset that my loved ones don't know me," but also please understand the appeal of Obi-Wan marching up to Quinlan like "Yes, hello, I understand you've been read in on the full situation behind myself and my former padawan. I was close friends with your alternate universe self, which I feel is necessary disclosure before I propose the following: Would you like to join me for my upcoming heat, as I have minimal experience with the dynamics situation and even fewer people I actually trust, and I believe I can put my faith in you to treat it as casually as necessary while still having control and respect for my person."
(The Team is in a fairly safe place to process stuff, but having sudden unexpected changes to your biology has gotta be a little traumatizing, on top of ending up in a universe where none of your friends know you and people have a whole host of unfamiliar forms of sexism to point at you.)
Obi-Wan, who wasn't quite touch-averse but was much more easily overwhelmed by physical contact than Anakin (who craved it), suddenly finds his body switching gears and insisting on cuddles with Trusted Loved Ones, which is.... mostly Anakin, on account of nobody else really knowing him yet. Also Ahsoka, who is aware that she's something of a replacement for her alt-universe self, but Anakin explained it as "I love you so much no matter which dimension I'm in or what you're like, and I'd like to get to know you the way I got know her."
(It's rather eloquent for Anakin. He got Obi-Wan to help him draft up the script for when he pitched taking on omegaverse Ahsoka as a padawan.)
Anakin gets a more intensely sexual heat than 'usual' at one point for Reasons (IDK it could be as innocuous as 'we got better food than the usual rations and my body is reacting to the higher fat content with the belief that it's safer to have a baby now'), which nobody takes a whole lot of notice of because they're in a WAR, and also this is only his fourth one so it's not like he's got a lot to compare it to... except then the predominantly alpha clones can't stop themselves from reacting to the pheromones, mostly by wandering past his door and asking if he needs anything, offering up alpha-scented blankets and stuff for the nest to soothe the hormones, bringing snacks and electrolyte drinks, and like, Anakin is flattered, really, but fuck off please.
(He got a warning from medical a few hours before it hit that it would be different, so he actually does have alpha-scented fabrics to help him out. Apparently that's a thing you can just ask friends for, so he asked Rex if he had anything on hand that he could spare. He now has one of Rexās recently-used sheets and a bodyglove in the nest.)
(Anakin has no idea how to feel about the nesting instinct, but at least itās warm.)
Tia asked "Oh hey, who has the scared and horny reaction to his carnage?" and like.
Listen. I'm not saying I've been low-key imagining this as Rex being a very subby alpha who's really into Anakin's whole Thing but...
At one point Anakin gets injured in a way that requires painkillers and he ends up whining to the point of almost crying about the fact that nobody is cuddling him right now in medbay and Kix just gives up and comms Ahsoka to come hug her weird older brother.
And Then There Is Purring.
Thatās a Thing Now.
Rex ends up in the pile somehow. He came over to check on Things and ended up yanked in by half-asleep, half-high Anakin, who has a grip like an octopus and no impulse control and is purring like a pod motor while NUZZLING HIM.
Thereās a lot of blackmail photos featuring Rexās very intense blush as heās cuddled by his commander (giggling at him) and general (clinging like a tooka and rubbing himself all over).
Anakin is deeply offended that ANYONE thinks he'd want to get pregnant by just any old person, NO he needs to fall in LOVE there needs to be EMOTIONAL DRAMA and if Padme won't have him (apparently she's in a relationship and no he's not BITTER) then he'll find someone else to have a whirlwind romance with!
People think Anakin's a slut because he can't control his pheromone production (he has NO practice and for health reasons he can't go on suppressants) so he always smells open and ready for flirtations, which Obi-Wan also has to a somewhat lesser degree (he's older so his body just naturally produces less), and then someone tries to cross a boundary and grabs his ass and ANYWAY Anakin has to now fill out an incident report for breaking a civilian's arm.
Again.
#Anakin Skywalker#Obi Wan Kenobi#Ahsoka Tano#Captain Rex#Rexwalker#Quinlan Vos#star wars#the clone wars#time travel#omegaverse#alpha beta omega#phoenix posts
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The Dragonās Lair - 7
- SEOKJINāS POV -
Pairing: Kim Namjoon x F!Reader (although sheās kinda OC now huh?)
A/N: Kinda on the short side, I apologize. But I wanted us to get a quick peek into Jinās side of things and where his mind is. Any guesses on who his mate might be? ;)Ā
*****
He wasnāt sure what had woken him up. The house was silent beyond Namjoonās snores that he could hear coming through the old walls. He waited a few seconds to see if he could hear anything else or catch a scent, but it was all clear. There was just something pricking at his mind - something making his instincts go wild. Heād blame the fact that he was in a new house but this wasnāt a new feeling.Ā
It had begun when his ride here had traveled past the sea. Heād gotten a whiff of fresh ocean air and his fur had instantly bristled up. His claws had lengthened involuntarily and heād had to exercise every scrap of self-control he possessed so he wouldnāt leap out of the moving vehicle and run full-shift towards whatever that scent had been.Ā
Seokjin groans and cracks open his eyes, still heavy with sleep. He might as well take a trip to the bathroom while he was already awake. He yawns and forces himself out of the comfy bed, scratching his belly sleepily. Even now, the scent was clear to him. There had been the smell of the ocean, yes, but...something else. Something other like him.Ā
The realistic part of Seokjinās brain said maybe his exotic side had simply found a scent it liked and thatās that. But when he allowed himself to be more fanciful, like now when it was three am and he was still half asleep, he listened to the Sphinx screaming, āmate, mate, MATE!,ā and he didnāt hate the idea.Ā
Heād been alone for so very long that it sounded like a dream. A fairytale ending for his Cinderella story.Ā
Not that Namjoon was any sort of evil stepsister, nor his mate that exuded naivety and goodness from every pore. If anything, he knew that he was particularly blessed to have Heechul hyung looking out for him and talking this human into taking him in. He would have dealt with having to be in the shelter again, but quite honestly he was too old to do well there. He was a grown Sphinx used to independence and being at the top of his hierarchy.Ā
He finishes in the bathroom and sighs heartily, deciding sleep was going to be impossible now. Might as well help himself to the kitchen. He shuffled quietly there and peeked inside the fridge, horrified once again by the contents. How have these two been keeping alive? The fridge only contained very basic ingredients like eggs and milk, a bottle of soy sauce, and not a single vegetable in sight.Ā
He settles for making a couple of fried eggs, using them to top off the bowl of instant rice he pilfered from the cupboards. He gives it all a splash of soy sauce so itās not completely flavorless and sits at the kitchen table, eating his little meal slowly.Ā
It always seemed like nights were harder for some reason. Like the dark vastness of the sky reminded him of how empty his life had become - of how much he missed his parents.Ā
Heād seriously lucked out when the two had walked into the shelter all those years ago. Heād been a bit older than the usual desired age for hybrid adoptions so he hadnāt expected much when Heechul had escorted the couple towards the exotic section. Heād stayed in his corner of the room playing his video game, but heād kept an eye on them as they smiled and shook hands with all the desperate little ones crowding them. They seemed genuinely nice, with smiles that lit up their eyes and the man always making his wife laugh.Ā
When they finally got close enough, Seokjin greedily scented the air, thinking if he ever had someone pick him he hoped they smelled as good as these two. The man - though obviously old for a human - smelled strong and healthy. Faint hints of cigar smoke and old books clung to him almost as much as his mateās scent did. And his mate - the wife - smelled exactly how Seokjin had always thought a mother would. A light hint of expensive perfume couldnāt cloud the endorphins that were coming off of her in waves from being surrounded by the little ones. She was older too - perhaps younger than her husband by no more than a handful of years - but she too seemed to be in good health. She smelled so comforting to Seokjin that he stopped paying attention to his game and let his little avatar get killed three times in a row as he glued his eyes on the woman.Ā
Heechul actually herded the pair towards him and he set down his controller and bowed formally, wanting to make a good impression despite the fact that he knew they would never pick him. Heād thought theyād merely shake his hand and move on, but the man had kept asking him questions about his hobbies and what he wanted to do when he grew up. The woman kept staring at him with her hand held to her chest like sheād been shocked by something.Ā
It wasnāt until a half-hour later when Heechul had called him into his office with the pair that he realized sheād decided she wanted him. A mere few minutes and sheād decided she was his mother and no one elseās. āYouāre so handsome I fell in love at first sight, my Jinnie,ā sheād always say.Ā
Heād had nineteen wonderful years with them before pneumonia took them both within days of each other. Nineteen years filled with happiness and laughter with two of the most loving people heād ever met. He missed his routines with them - the fishing every weekend with his dad, cooking with his mom, the Sundays all three of them would sit around with face masks and watch movies.Ā
When theyād passed away, his heart had broken. Heād known it was inevitable - they were both getting old and frail - but heād thought heād have just a little more time with them. After the funeral, he waited with bated breath for someone to storm in and drag him off to be put down somewhere. When nothing had happened, heād grown steadily more careless, often forgetting he wasnāt supposed to be on his own with the big house and vast wealth. Heād carried on with his life like he knew his parents would have wanted him to. He kept going to med school since his dad had pulled so many strings to let him attend, he tried going on dates that never went anywhere, he hung out with his friends whenever he had the time. Life went on.Ā
Trying to stop the robber had been stupid of him - he knew that now. He should have just let the man get away and then never reported him so heād be left alone...but once he spied his motherās favorite pearls in the manās hand heād lost his shit. Heād fully shifted, letting his wings out and knocking over a couple of vases with their width, and his nails expanded until finally heād roared and the robber had screamed and thrown the nearest item at his head in his rush to escape. Unfortunately, that item had been his motherās bird statue that was made entirely of gold, so heād been knocked out cold. His friend had found him after he hadnāt shown up to their gaming session and called the police and an ambulance, where they took his blood and found out that he was a hybrid with deceased owners and proceeded to shove him in the nearest pound while they contacted his motherās very distant cousin.Ā
Heād never even gotten to meet this so-called cousin before the fat lawyer that smelled like fried chicken rushed him out of his own home, making him leave behind even the belongings that were his. He had no idea what use the cousin had for his manga or video game collection. Let alone the used sports jerseys or his hamper full of dirty clothes.Ā
Thankfully Heechul existed and heād been able to contact his old caregiver before he was sent to the state center. He knew that place was a death sentence. And now here he was, in a strange home with barely anything besides his small suitcase. He missed his dad. He missed his mom. He missed feeling loved and hopeful for the future. He missed the way his dad always knew what to do. He missed the way his mom would brush his mane and groom his feathers while she sang.Ā
Seokjin cleared his throat and swiped at his suddenly wet cheek. He hadnāt even realized heād been crying. He shook his head and went to the sink to wash his dishes, heading back to his room when he finished for another sleepless night.Ā
****
Life in the āDragonās Lairā (as heād taken to calling it, despite said dragonās constant eye-rolling) began to take on a new normal the longer he was there. Days began to blend into each other as he struggled to adjust himself to his new reality, but Namjoon and his mate were a great help.Ā
Luckily, his tuition had been prepaid by his father and the cousin had no way of taking his education away from him, so he still took his classes - albeit mostly online because he wanted to stay in his room most of the time.Ā
Money was thankfully of no immediate issue. There was more money in the book than heād felt comfortable sharing with anyone, enough that he could still go years without a job if he needed to. He also knew that if he needed it, he could always ask Heechul for help, although the other would make him work in the cafe for it. He might do it anyway just for something to do.Ā
Namjoon and his mate were simply wonderful. His old friend had grown up into a great person who was sweet and intelligent, good to the people he cared about, and strong in ways that he probably wasnāt even aware of. His mate Star was just as good. She was funny and kind, with just enough sass to be interesting. And they were both sickeningly in love with each other to the point that Seokjin had to leave the house quite often to get some peace. Not that it upset him - he was incredibly happy for Namjoon. It just sometimes emphasizes how alone he was.Ā
But yes, Star was great. There was just...something about her. Something that drew him to her. Not in a sexual or attraction kind of way...more like - primal. Like the animal side of him saw her as a protector. Which, he supposed she kinda was since she was housing exotic hybrids, but still. He couldnāt figure it out. He was certain she was completely human, but sometimes underneath the frankly nauseating amount of reptile musk that she was constantly covered with, he could catch hints of the forest in her natural scent. Sure, there was a forest nearby, but why would the scent cling to her like that? There was something there and luckily for him, there was nothing he enjoyed more than a good riddle.Ā
Beyond that, there was still one other pressing issue. His mate.Ā
He knew they were out there. He knew heād caught their scent. When heād passed the sea heād been certain they were there. He just needed to find them. He didnāt want them to be alone too.Ā
āJin, weāre about to head to the mall. Do you want to come shopping with us? The weatherās clearing up and I promised Namjoon weād go to the ocean,ā Star asked with a bright smile as he exited his room.Ā
āThe ocean?ā he responded, his brain halting for a second. Fate was working her magic, was she?Ā
āYeah, heās been wanting to go for a while but itās been too cold. I thought weād rent a small beach house and spend the weekend. So youāll need swim trunks and towels, stuff like that. If youād rather stay here, thatās fine too. Itās up to you.āĀ
āNo,ā he rushed, feeling his ears go red with embarrassment as he let his eagerness show. āItās fine. Iād love to go.āĀ
āGreat!ā Star grinned, threading an arm with his as she leads him out to the yard. āWeāll have so much fun!āĀ
He nods silently, his nose trying in vain to catch that salty scent on the air again.Ā
Iām coming. Just wait for me.Ā
#bts#the dragon's lair#solastia#bts fanfic#bts fanfiction#hybrid au#hybrid!au#hybrid!bts#hybrid!namjoon#hybrid!seokjin#dragon!au#sphinx#bts au
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okay okay okay but FOLLOW UP: Nolan with a little boy who loves dress up and tea parties and princesses and you know what maybe that little boy grows up and is able to tell you and Nolan that they have always been a little girl but maybe he is a boy who likes """girl""" things and either way thats okay with Nolan! because his kid fucking rocks and he'll support their interests and identity no matter what even if stupid hockey culture tries to get in there and mess it up!
OP I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.
so like. yall were *always* fine with the fact that your little girl was in every sport she could get her hands on, was one of the most aggressive kids out there, all that. tbh yāall were proud as hell seeing her thrive and love what she did
your second kid you were also totally okay with him not really being as into playing sports (though he absolutely loved the energy of watching sports his sister, dad, other family, etc were in!). in fact, he ended up finding all the stereotypical girly stuff people got for your oldest that she ended up not really using/playing with. (even tho you guys were clear that gender roles could fuck themselves! that didnāt mean youād shut her off from the dolls and pink and all that)
you guys just assumed your youngest was a boy that liked dresses and skirts and all the other stuff. nothing wrong with that!
(and yes, you guys all dressed up for tea parties, fashion shows, etc. your oldest didnāt dislikeĀ dresses, but when she found out she could wear one of her dadās ties and her kick ass leggings? man she ROCKED that runway)
there was never any questioning him, grilling him. you guys kept him away from people who would be negative toward him, and thankfully he was young enough that you could keep him from seeing things about him in the media
though, Nolan came out multiple times to say that yall didnt care what anyone thought. your kids were happy and healthy, thatās what mattered.
other guys also shared the same sentiment with the media, which was nice. it was good to know everyone who you kept your kids around didĀ support them
as the two got older but couldnāt drive, Nolan would make days out of taking them to makeup stores and letting them run the show. he sure as hell didnāt know how that worked (andĀ I'm leaving it up to you whether or not they learned more from you or the internet haha) but heād sit there all day and let them test colors on his skin
sometimes theyād sweet talk tk or another friend of your guysā to come too
(side note: imagine Nolan being dragged around whatever makeup store with tk goingĀ āthat lipstick is tiny. how the hell does it cost that muchā and tk just looks at him likeĀ ādude-you-make-a-nhl-salary?ā but also doesnt say anything bc yall aren't gonna raise your kids to throw money around like its nothing. these kids have chores and allowances for that until theyre old enough to get a job if they want their own spending money)
(tk has to quickly google every brand to make sure its cruelty-free for the kids too)
eventually the kids were getting older and your oldest was off to college (on a scholarship for ice hockey, youād brag) and the youngest was smack dab in the middle of high school, arguably one of the suckiest times in a personās life
your youngest sat down with the two of you over dinner and told you that theyāre a girl. and no, itās not because they just dont like gender sterotypes--they legitiamately feel this way
and who the fuck are you guys to say anything negative. sheās the one living in that body. she knows herself the best.
Nolan, that night, lays down with you in bed and lets out a sigh.
āI'm so proud of her,ā he murmurs.Ā āandĀ I'm just glad he--she, fuck, sorry--was comfortable enough telling us.ā
āyeah,ā youād agree, rubbing circles into his back.Ā āI told her weād help pick out a new name if she wants us toā
you got a smile at that before it quickly faded
āI just worry--I mean, obviously, this shit aināt easy for anyone to do. but with us kinda being in the public eye...ā
āhey,ā youād grab his hand and make him look at you.Ā āwe got this. we did it when she was a kid, weāll just keep telling everyone to fuck off and mind their business. at least now that sheās older, she can decide if and when she wants to tell people. before it was a rough guessing game of what people should or shouldnāt knowā
he nodded, letting out another sigh. a bit of a relieved one, this time.
āI dunno how we got lucky enough to have two bad ass kids.ā
youād snort.Ā āwe werenāt saying that when they were both throwing fits not-too-long-ago because theyāre fucking stubborn. but yeah, it paid off.ā
op I would give you a fat kiss on the lips for this idea I love you (if you wanted it obviously. id also give u a crisp high five or fist bump if u wanted)
#TRANS RIGHTS BAYBEE#YOU CAME TO THE RIGHT GUY#Nolan patrick#NolanĀ Patrick fic#NolanĀ Patrick imagine#hockey fic#hockey#nhl#nhl fic
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Also I wanted to make a post talking about this
N is such a lanky skinny lad. You find a rare candy on the floor in his room but otherwise just from that and how Ghetsis is with him one could probably glean Ghetsis probably kept him on a strict diet to maintain this idea of an ~ideal king~ who was free of worldly wants other than the stuff in his room that clearly must have sufficed for the nearly 20-or so years N was locked in there to keep him 'innocent' and child-like, and that rare candy was probably the one treat N would be allowed as a reward. Or of course, he was keeping it there for his Pokemon friends. But I like to imagine the former, and that N secretly has a HUGE sweet tooth.
I... really think N would be the type to gain weight from getting to eat a lot. And I'm saying this as a chubbo myself who is quite on the fence about fat characters who are shown to love food--
I both hate when anime/anime style games have skinny characters who get to wolf down massive meals and are seen as cute for it despite staying skinny while the fat character has constant food and fat jokes made around them (looking at you, Danganronpa 2 and also Genshin Impact to an extent) but at the same time I adore the 'chubby soff chef/baker' trope (NOT looking at you, Danganronpa 2, my heart is for Twogami only) and the idea of a character who is normally skinny and very active getting to 'settle down' after the rush and adventure of the main story, getting to relax and indulge in their favourite food and snacks without having to worry and getting some pudge, or 'going domestic' if you will. I haven't watched any of the Avengers films past the first and a few clips of others but I'm guessing this is partially what happened to Thor. At the same time I realise, why should I have to justify it? Can fat people not simply be allowed to enjoy food? Can skinny people not simply be allowed to enjoy food without having to 'worry' about gaining weight as if it's a bad thing? And to that I say, yes, of course they can, and fuck the stigma attached to it.
Anyway, I just LOOOOVE to imagine N finally trying out new food on his adventures, or maybe even after he reunites with the TouTous, unlearning the strict ways dear old Dicksis instilled into him and gettin chubby. Like it could go two ways;
On his own he might initially feel too stuck in certain ways and be a bit intimidated seeing so many options and stick to what he knows; fruits, veggies, whatever his Pokemon friends and partners would have; very green and healthy but at the same time very simple, boring and bland. He'd most definitley be intruiged seeing the kind of food other people eat but initially would feel he'd have to resist the 'temptation' and avoid cafes/restaurants all together until he finally reunites with the TouTous who are worried sick about him and see he's all scruffy from living as a hobo for 2 years and probably had absolutely not had a good meal in forever so they sit him down at whatever diner they come to first that's open at 3am and order him a big thicc stack of pancakes (vegan for him, of course, guessing his food preferences as such just to be safe) and start bombarding him with questions about where he's been and how he is and WHY DID HE DISAPPEAR only to pause when they notice him poking it and staring at it rather nervously. How does one even EAT this 'panned-cake'? And surely it all can't be for him!
Of course it's for him, he looks practically starved to death, so he takes a bite and a whole new world has opened up for him, it melts in his mouth and makes him feel so warm and fuzzy inside, bringing a huge smile to his face, and he inhales the entire stack, excitedly talking about his adventures and catching up with the TouTous. Of course this would go on for a long time and N would probably timidly ask for any other food recommendations while they're there and even though it's probably just cheap 'nasty' stuff they'd try a little bit of everything together and N feels like his mind has been BLOWN. He's missed out on so much!! He's gotta try more! So the TouTous help broaden his horizons by introducing him to all sorts of delicious meals and snacks and N learns to loosen up, enjoy himself and learn it's okay to indulge!
The other way it could go is if N gets the courage to straight up go for it and discovers new food on his own. That same moment of bliss where he tastes something brand new that lights up his tastebuds and makes him realise how much he's missed out on. I've always imagined he probably has money from Ghetsis squirreled away somewhere so as someone who discovers his enormous sweet tooth and loses all self restraint he'd most definitley buy one of everything from some Kalosian bakery and sit in a forest clearing trying EVERYTHING with his Poke-pals and just having a grand old time
Fast forward to reuniting with Touko and Touya where they notice he's plumped up a bit and-- let's be real, on his own N would try to learn all about human views on pretty much anything and would probably feel some anxiety about his weight at some point -- even though it's perfectly natural for Pokemon to do it while hibernating and to keep safe for winter, human society views gaining weight as some kind of moral failing, but of course the TouTous would be more than happy just to see him and would obviously think he looks super cute with a fluffier body they can hug and squish like a tol marshmallow
Just !! AAAA either way the TouTous would 100000% be supportive as well as Cheren and Bianca (who I also hc as a chubby ball of sunshine) who all suggest new stuff for him to try as well. I also like to think N would love to get into cooking himself as well, since he can apply his love of maths and equations to it to try and find the perfect combinations of ingredients to make the most delicious dish that he would also love to share!
Except for that 'mathematical bagel'. It just makes everyone angry looking at it.
(On a slightly serious note, at that point he'd probably lose a bit of the pompousness (which he does have a tiny bit of in bw1) of some of his concepts of 'elegant vs ugly formulas' when it comes to his opinions of a good meal, as in he'd value a simple dish he may have previously considered 'ugly' for being 'basic' and dislike how arrogant and pretentious 'fancier' dishes can be. Like what the fuck is the point of a deconstructed cheesecake, or deconstructed anything! That's just a gentrified version of being a kid who eats all the lunchable bits separate!)
But yes tldr; let N enjoy food! Let N be chubby! Let chubby N enjoy food and cooking!!! Let him be a soff boy who's perfectly squishy to hug and would 100% love to learn how to cook great meals to share!
#n harmonia#natural harmonia gropius#monochromeshipping#vuvuzelashipping#a little bit#pokemon#chubby n#god i love him#precious innocent floofy green baby#angry floff poff#still need a tag for touko#sunshine marshmallow bab#cherry#i really should redo those tags but yeh
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A lil fic based on some headcanons with @dollhousemuses where huey asks wakko to move in with him when he goes off to college. kinda a mix of a Brotherly Bonding fic and a lil Huey/Wakko...with another huey/wakko fic to come aowiejf enjoy
It was easy to tell when Wakko was upset if you knew him well enough. And Yakko definitely knew him well enough.Ā
The dead giveaway that something was wrong was always his tongue; it wouldnāt be hanging out of his mouth, meaning that he was biting it either out of anger or anxiety or concentration. Sometimes Yakko mused about the humor in the quietest sibling literally having to bite his tongue, but those thoughts were often overlooked by his worry for the younger. Sure Wakko had his outbursts, but there was a difference between that and his more unsettling contemplation.
So when Wakko came into the kitchen as Yakko was cleaning up from lunch, he knew he was in for some big news right away.
Wakko never liked to talk until he was ready, over the years Yakko had learned that trying to get him to voice his issues before he was prepared only ended in disaster. So for several minutes Yakko continued to clean while Wakko stood there, mulling over his thoughts. The dishes got scrubbed, the food put away, it wasnāt until the last counter was dusted that he finally spoke up.
āHey Yakko, can we talk?ā
āI sure hope we can,ā the eldest replied, āOr else my name is about to become real ironic.ā
āWise ass.ā Wakko said, but there was a smile twitching at the corners of his previously down turned mouth, so that was a good sign.
āHey now, letās watch the fucking language around here.ā
They both burst out laughing at the same time; Yakko high and fast and Wakko deep and slow. It was a familiar sound in the water tower, the siblings had a habit of being able to make each other laugh at any time no matter the situation.Ā
Slowly the laughter died down though and then they were both back where they first started, gawking at each other in the kitchen as they both tried to prepare for the conversation to follow.Ā
āItās about Huey.ā Wakko finally came out with it.Ā
For a brief moment Yakkoās blood began to boil. He thought of the worst possibilities, the most outrageous things that couldāve happened and even the mere assumptive thought was enough to almost send him over the edge. His anger was quick to calm though; if Wakko and Huey had been having relationship troubles then he wouldāve heard about it long before now. Not to mention Wakko would be bawling his eyes out if theyād broken up, so it couldnāt have been that.Ā
He really should give Huey the benefit of the doubt. The duck had been good for Wakko. Not many 18 year olds could say that theyāve had the same sweetheart for the last 6 years; Wakko and Huey were just lucky like that.Ā
Yakko thought back to what his sibling had been like before meeting Huey. Wakko was never one that people would call shy, but it was fair to say that Huey had definitely brought him out of his shell. The number of times the duck had made the pup laugh, or blush, or just smile contently was too much to count.Ā
Not to mention the effect Huey had physically. Before meeting, Wakko was nothing more than a scrawny scrappy mess of a kid. They all were really, however with how active and energetic Wakko was, heād gotten the worst of it.Ā
But that was a thing of the past once Huey came along; the duck was very good at making sure Wakko got enough to eat, between snacks and dinner dates and the ājunior woodchuck recommendedā 3 square meals a day, the days of worrying about food were no more than a distant memory. The duck was so good at it, in fact, that Wakko had even managed to get a bit chubby around the middle, something Yakko was quite grateful for. Heād rather his brother get a little bit fat and happy than to go back to being underfed and miserable.Ā
It was a healthy sort of weight. A good chunk of it was also muscle. None of the Warners were built for a bulky physique, all being naturally lanky and lean, but Wakko came the closest to having some semblance of noticeable muscle.Ā
It had all started the first time he went on an adventure with the duck family. That night heād returned both excited and exhausted. Apparently globetrotting wasnāt exactly a walk in the park. Once he hit his teen years, Wakko put on muscle fast, even beneath his softness. Though heād said it was so he could keep up with the others when he was invited along, Yakko knew the truth, he could see it in the otherās worried eyes.Ā
Wakko wanted to protect Huey. He wanted to be strong enough to handle any situation that could arise. And if one of those situations involved picking the duck up and twirling him around and carrying him for miles upon miles as he slept during one of the longer adventures, then so be it.
So, with those thoughts in mind, whatever had happened between his brother and Huey, Yakko was sure that they could get through it.Ā
āWhat about Huey?ā Yakko prompted his younger sibling to talk, speaking more gently than he would usually.Ā
āHeās goinā off to college. Out of state.āĀ
Ah, that explained things. Of course, Wakkoās boyfriend leaving for school was going to be rough on everyone involved, but it certainly didnāt seem as serious as Wakkoās previously somber mood had indicated.Ā
āWell,ā Yakko started, āit wonāt be too bad buddy. Lots of people make long distance work, you just need to have open communication and try to plan times where youāre both available to each other. Itāll be fine-āĀ
āAnd Iām going with him!āĀ
Now that caught Yakko off guard, which was very hard to do. It wasnāt said as a question or as a discussion topic. It was closed. It was final. Wakko wasnāt asking permission, he was telling Yakko. And it sounded final.Ā
Yakkoās voice caught in his throat, something that added even more distress than he was already feeling. He wanted to come in with a quip or a gag or something. But he just couldnāt. So Wakko took that as a sign to continue.Ā
āI wanted to tell you and Dot together but she was stickinā her nose in places and saw my texts so I just had to deal with that whole conversation. But Iām goinā with him ācus I-I love him. A-anā he said he wanted me there and Iāve never said yes ta somethinā faster in my entire life. It feels right, goinā there with him. And heās got a nice apartment in mind, itās a really cool place. We-weāll still be able to come back too! All the time and...and...yer upset arenāt you?āĀ
Through Wakkoās whole rant Yakko hadnāt noticed that his fists were tightened at his side. As soon as Wakkoās voice dropped-a puppy whimper whining through his words-Yakko instinctively loosened them up. He was a brother first, afterall, and he didnāt like being the one to make his siblings upset.Ā
The fact remained though that Wakko was leaving. Not asking, not thinking about it, he was leaving. Not only that but he was leaving to move in with his boyfriend. That was so...adult of him.Ā
In the moment Yakko remembered that Wakko was an adult. 18 years old. He wasnāt just his little brother anymore; he was a young man. The thought made Yakko want to either burst out laughing or cry.Ā
Right now wasnāt the time for either of those things though. There would be time later, when Wakko was out and Dot was asleep. Then he would cry, holding onto the old blanket they all used to share together because it was the only one they had and they shared everything. The three of them, the only friends and family they had ever known.Ā
āSo, using the L word now?ā Yakko managed to keep his tone calm and happy, a hint of teasing in his voice that made Wakko blush a bright red.Ā
āWeāve uh, been usinā it fer a while now. Been thinkinā maybe...maybe after he finishes school iāll propose to him. Or start talkinā about it. Thatās years from now though. Are you...is this...ok?ā
āOf course it is! Iām gonna miss yaā like hell, so donāt go forgetting that. But itās exciting isnāt it?ā
Wakko perked up, ears lifted and tail wagging. It was just enough to make Yakko feel like his world wasnāt falling apart, just a little bit.Ā
āYeah it is! He asked me and I think I couldaā died right then from happiness. Anā he really meant it to. He-he really wants me there. He wants us to be together anā livinā with each other. So we were talkinā about it anā itās a one bedroom-āĀ
Wakko continued to talk, raving about every little detail that he and Huey had discussed. Yakko stood a little closer to him, touched his shoulder a bit more, laughed a little harder at his jokes. Heād have a few months to come to terms with everything. Boy would he need them.Ā
But in the end, his brother was in love, and was very obviously loved back. To the point where it was almost ridiculous how much his face lit up just by talking about Huey.
What more could an older brother want but that?Ā
#writing. the writers flipped we have no script#s. what does he see in you? i make him laugh (huey/wakko)#it's late and this is messy i'll either clean it up later or work extra on the other fic UwU
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7.
Frowning at Mel āstop messing around, if youāre going to plan on being an active auntie in my babyā life I donāt want gamesā Mel likes to massage coco butter on my stomach, which I donāt mid because then it saves me from doing it and I can just relax but she is taking forever and is playing around by drawing things on my stomach, stifling out a yawn as I rested my head back on the pillow āI swear to god Melissa!ā I shouted āyou got me shouting now, stop itā Mel just laughed at me, she is laughing, and I am annoyed āI canāt believe how amazing the scan pictures came out now, itās creepy but cute. I cried when she said the baby finger is in its mouth, likeā reaching to my side table ālook at it, literally has my foreheadā looking at my scan picture āchile, forehead for days. Chris has a receding fucking hairline and your hairline is no different, the baby has no choice but to have a big forehead and hairline starting from the backā my mouth fell open āoopss, sorryā she isnāt wrong but still āI hate you, I would kick you but you are being helpfulā smiling at my scan picture, this just makes me so happy. Like this is my baby right now in my stomach just relaxing, I am fucking mind blown by how I am bringing life to the world. We spoke on so much, the difficulties that could happen but I am going all natural, I donāt want nobody cutting into me unless it is at a point where I could die but I am all for the natural thing āyeah, I heard your mom saying that you are going natural? I mean I am not the person to say anything but isnāt it better just cutting and then out it comes?ā placing the scan picture on my chest āI think not, unless I could die or my baby could die then I will back down but I want to go through it normally, I donāt want to be lazy and just lay there. I am like every other woman; I donāt care what anyone says. I said it to Doctor Wen, she explained the reason why they would cut me open if they needed but she is happy for me to do natural and I agreed on the reasons why, but I think a lot of famous women just do the easier option to not change anything and to make it as perfect as possible, I am not for that. If that baby is stretching my pussy then so be it. My only baby anywaysā Mel pulled a face as she shuffled away and sat on the bed āI would rather be cut open, I am lazy like thatā shaking my head at Mel āget pregnant, we can have baby play datesā poking my bottom lip out āno way sis, your baby is my baby too. Just you go through the painā Mel cackled; she is not shit.
I have the biggest clothes I can wear right now; I am leaving the home after all these weeks and I am feeling nervous about it all āare we all ready?ā walking out of my room, popping my scan picture in my bag āwe are, so we are going straight to the hanger. I have arranged it, I know they like doing spot checks but not today, I mean we canāt have you getting searched with the baby bump. No spot check, I have arranged it that we are arrivingā Jen pointed at me as she walked over to me āgood, I am glad. I think I would be devastated if that were to happen, I do not need that right now. So, we have J. Cole and Kendrick performing at the ball, exciting right? All I had to do was text them, they both said yes. I am just so nervous; I feel sick now all over again but letās goā Rich is staring at me āwhat?ā I said to him ājust weird to see you like this, I have been working with you for yearsā pulling a face at him ādo I look pregnant? Am I fat to you?ā Richā face dropped āno uh, I am not saying that just that you look wellā side eyeing him āyour cheeks are fuller sisā hitting Jaā shoulder as I walked out of the house.
I am so excited to see what Dennis has done, he has been working hard on this. He wants me to be happy about it but I am, I am just feeling hormonal about things. I had to make the pilot and flight attendant sign a NDA because I want to be free on my jet and not hiding, also I needed the bed to be made and laying down will expose what I am hiding behind this huge thing āif you complain about this now I will just quitā Dennis placed his MacBook in front of me āI didnāt complain, I just stated that my voice didnāt sound rightā Dennis rolled his eyes ājust please, watch it. Pretend youāre a fan, you get the notification, no caption and this came upā looking at Jen before pressing play, I hate my face āJa is rightā my face looks fuller āno he is not, you look so good Robyn. You look so happy, I love it, you can tell you got that pregnancy skinā watching the video play on, just images of me smiling āoh god, it sounds like I am adding to my skin care. The fans are going to hate me, they really areā Ā the video cuts to me walking towards the bathroom āitās now time to enter a new journey for me, and for the new life that was createdā I mimicked the words I said as the video played on and the time lapse of the images I took āoh god, as a fan I would be shook. Like my heart is beating hard against my chest, they are going to be shocked. Itās calming though. The way I announce it is very calming, but it honestly looks like I am announcing a new skin product, oh god. I am happy with it Dennis, yesā sitting back smiling āI amā I said again āI was thinking about my extended family members and not telling them, they will find out like this also but it needs to be so tight. I mean it will be the same with the Chris thing, I canāt risk telling too much to so many people. The circle needs to be closedā watching Dennis take his laptop āwhat if Chris wants to tell?ā Jen asked āhe needs to not, that is something I will obviously take that up with him or if he says donāt care and I rather not get involvedā Jen laughed āyou wish, he will be like an excited puppy but that is interesting to hear, I think you both need to have this deep conversation and you wonāt be drunk or highā I wish I could get drunk or high āI miss thatā I mumbled saying.
Mel laid next to me on the bed that was made on the jet, I feel a little sore and tired so I knew that I would need the bed made ādo you all take turns in cuddling me? Am I that big?ā Mel laughed out, she is laughing but I think it is true āitās not that, I promise so I was thinking if we invite Chris to the ball since you know, he is you knowā Mel looked at my stomach and then at me, she proceeded to wink at me āerm, I am not sure about that. I am not being funny but itās already a mess and I am adding to it, I canāt just invite him and then have him alone, he will then bring his friends. Just keep it away, not there. Not when this will be happening, everyone is going to be at me about it already, the same tired old conversation. I disagree, he has too much on anywaysā Mel rolled her eyes at me āyou do know you are going to have to face himā looking away from Mel āwish I didnāt need tooā I said to myself āthen donāt, he will be none the wiser. Pray to the gods it doesnāt look like him, I mean you donāt need tooā shaking my head āI am not like that, itās just difficult ok. He is a mess; I keep stalking him!ā I shouted so loudly āok, calm down. Well whatever you want then I am hereā she needs to just support me in this plan, it may be a little crazy but I just need to do it my way and not what people around me want because it will not work like they want āI am intrigued to know what his reaction will be, will it be happy, sad, hateful. I mean itās not the perfect scenarioā she is telling me like I donāt know that.
Sitting on the bed Indian style with my hand naturally on my stomach, I am just forever doing this now, I am used to it āI hate this, I hate that Jen and Mel both know a secret that I want to know. Like you both know the sex of my child, I really donāt want a gender reveal just tell me!ā I half shouted āsheās going to be cute like you, I know alreadyā Ja is acting like anyone will tell him shit āI know my girls, they wouldnāt tell you because I would bully you into telling me so good try baldie. Is it what I want? Like I have been always saying a girl?ā Mel and Jen are not giving me much āthis will be my only baby, and I pray for a healthy baby but a girl, just let it be? I mean I wonāt be upset but still, just a mini me, you knowā I want them to give me something, they aināt giving me shit āsoon, Mexico and the family. We going to reveal it, have a little get together. It will be cute, stop being annoying. Then we can have a baby shower in London, or shall we go Spain? I donāt know but we going to party, every day with youā Jen said, but I donāt want that I just would like to know what it is āmom! You said you have a feeling, what is the feeling!ā getting off of the bed ālook at my stomach shape and tell me?ā turning to the side ābaby, canāt you just wait. I donāt know what it isā rolling my eyes ājust a guess, come on? You always do this, you say oh the stomach is this shape so itās whateverā my mom is annoying when she does it to every one else āok, ok. I thinkā she squinted her eyes āa boyā my mom pointed āok, her opinion is irrelevant nowā I joked āany more takers, what are we saying?ā I got everyone looking at me now, hearing a mixture of girl and boy āso girl then, thank youā I laughed to myself ābut if itās a boy then there is always adoption, I am joking. I just want my baby healthy so donāt mind meā sitting back down on the edge of the bed.
I caught myself falling asleep but for the lighter in my hand, it was too late. It already slipped out of my hand and onto the ground floor. Moving back from the balcony, I didnāt realise I was falling asleep but another day at the Brown house. I need to finish off my art downstairs now, walking back into my bedroom. Placing my feet in my slides as I closed my bedroom door, I was supposed to go to Gunnaā party tonight but I declined, I wasnāt in the mood but I think āhere they areā I stopped to say to myself, the niggas are back home, I mean my home āgood party?ā jumping down the last of the stairs nearly falling down but I caught myself āit was, got some girls back. They wanted to comeā nodding my head āstep right up, mobiles that side, papers on the other side. Then we can all have fun is that you? Krista? Oh wow, you still riding in the back of niggas cars nowā Krista walked over to me āshut upā hugging her āyou still the same old Chris, sign the papersā I laughed stepping back from the hug āwell I got to be, but you still need to sign the papers. Keep your mobile thoughā winking at her āoh privileges then? I see how it isā she walked off, watching her walk off with the other girls, about seven others. Hoody hit my arm āshe asked to come hereā he said in a whisper āshe missed the D, they all doā I laughed walking off.
Blunt for breakfast and it hasnāt even hit nine yet āyour home is amazing, like with all the new graffiti. You havenāt just done random things like alwaysā moving the blunt back, placing the spray can on the ground āI tryā blowing the smoke out from my lips āyou not going in the pool like the rest? Showcasing booties for the niggas to want?ā I pointed laughing āwhy do I need to do that when you already seen itā she got a point āthey doing that for you Chris, you know thatā I shrugged ābetter off going with someone I remember, vaguely. It wasnāt memorableā Krista side eyed me ājust like Amikka, you remember that tooā I blew out air all wide eyed āto be fair I donāt actually remember many pussies Iāve had. Select fewā Krista laughed ānothing has changed with you Chris, wow. I actually just came to see you, I am not jumping in no pool and showing my assā nodding my head āthen it was pointless you comingā looking over at the girls in the pool āthey all sucking and licking on each other too, damn. But, let me mind my business, it was good you come out though. You can relax here or whateverā let me go back to my spray painting.
I was shocked to see Krista still here, I guess it is because Amikka gone āstill here?ā sitting down on the couch across from her āproblem?ā shaking my head ānope, why though? You dogged me out?ā I mean she did ārich coming from you, you were having several women on the go, I was done. I thought you were with Amikka, so yeahā shaking my head āI have always been single, I show love. People donāt get thatā my phone vibrated in my pocket āoh is that what it is, but she said you was with herā getting my phone out from my pocket ānopeā seeing a Instagram message from Mel, this is not like her. Tapping on the message and unlocking my phone āleast she is back where she belongs, Germanyā I just laughed reading the message from Mel, squinting my eyes āCome to the Diamond Ball, plus one (Mijo) of course but youāre invited if you would like to come. Youāre with me, let me knowā I am confused, Melissa is inviting me to an event where niggas are stuck up their own ass, I donāt fuck with any of those people and on top of that Robyn is foul so no, let me message back nicely, I donāt want to see her face after that night āI love you Mel, you my sister FOREVER but Robyn is foul. She KNOW what she did, if she wants her drunken talks with sex tell her go elsewhere, not blaming you! Trust me, I have other plans either wayā pressing send on the message āyou seem angry?ā Krista asked āwomen are not nice, that is allā locking my phone and placing it to the side of me, I wonāt be seeing that, full of fake industry people that donāt like me but smile in my face, this is why I donāt go to award shows, fuck that. Robyn loves that shit and is too far up their asses to even see real, Iām not that.
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Hey hereās a story about why worrying about fatness is dumb.Ā
Iām a 26 year old ~female-bodied~ person, about five feet and eightish or nineish inches tall. I weigh about 155 pounds, which is prolly the heaviest Iāve ever been. Hereās a recent full-body image of me.Ā
So like. Visually, thereās nothing outstanding about my condition. Not stick thin. Not plump.Ā
But I eat the Worldās Worst Diet. Junk food galore. Baked goods. Iām hugely averse to bitter tastes and have next-to-no discipline, so itās hard for me to get even a miminal amount of veggies into my diet.Ā
I get very little physical activity. My crappy lifestyle habits are severe and pervasive, but Iām slowly but surely improving on them one step at a time. Yay me!Ā
One of those steps I took was to get a fitbit. Yes, I know there are plenty of reasons for why fitness trackers may be ~problematic.~ Thatās not the point. According to my fitbit, my ~cardio fitness~ level is currently in theĀ āpoor-fairā range. This is entirely unsurprising. My resting heart rate is in the high 80s (it was a bit lower pre-quarantine, but has gone up since iāve been sitting around more).Ā
Converse to my crappy fitness level, my mommy, whoās an Older Lady, is a fuckin ROCKSTAR when it comes to her general health and fitness. Sheās no athlete, but her stamina and strength are incredible. She doesnāt do any intense exercise, but she does stay committed to doing a bit of light cardio almost every day. Very light, as in thereās no jumping or running or anything. Just power walking. Sheās also always been a thinner person - sheās slightly shorter than me, and slightly lighter weight.Ā
Anyway, sheās in tremendously decent shape.Ā
Since I upgraded to a new fitbit for my christmas present to myself, I gave her my old fitbit.Ā
As I was showing her around the app on her phone, I went to the lil cardio page, and told her,Ā āOh wow, your restinng heart rate is 63 bpm!ā She goes,Ā āIs that good?ā So I navigate to the page where it explains that 63bpm places her in the ~excellent~ range for her age group. And I was all, yay for you, mommy!! Iām so proud and happy!
She asked what my range was, and I told her: Lmao Iām in poor-fair. My resting heart rate is too fast. Itās like 88 bpm.Ā
So she gawks! She gawks and she goes,Ā āWhat?? But thatās what happens to fat people!āĀ
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OBVIOUSLY NOT???? OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN BE FAT AND BE MORE FIT THAN A THINNER PERSON!!!! OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN BE THINNER AND STILL BE IN PISS POOR HEALTH!!!!
My mommy has always been somebody who still buys into the falsehood that a personās percieved fatness necessarily has anything to do with their health, and now for the first time itās finally occurred to her that thatās not the case. That just because a person looks like theyāre aĀ āhealthy weightā doesnāt mean that they arenāt adversely affected by shitty lifestyle choices. You can be thin and have high cholesterol. You can be thin and have high blood pressure. You can be thin and diabetic. Thin and have pcos. Being thin does not mean you can be healthy in spite of eating nothing but fried shit and sugar. It just means that youāre unhealthy and thin at the same damn time!!Ā
And I am SURE that there are plenty of fabulous fat folks in the world who are twice my size but can absolutely get through an intense cardio workout that would leave me gasping for air 90 seconds in. Plenty of fabulous fat folks who eat healthy, nutritious diets, and who stay hydrated, and who are energetic and strong.Ā
The moral of this story: Stop thinking that you can learn anything at all about a personās health or lifestyle just by looking at them. Just because a person is thinner doesnāt mean theyāre in good health, and just because a person is fatter doesnāt mean theyāre unhealthy.Ā
Just mind ya business.
also even if a person IS unhealthy thatās still not a reason to be an asshole to them like wow just grow up and be nice.Ā
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Rant
Rant Contents-
Perming hair
Dyeing hair
Cutting hair
Getting piercings
Body weight
Tattoos
CONTAINS ENOUGH HATE AND UN-NEEDED CRITICISM TO LAST MILLIONS OF LIFE TIMES.
Okay, so this rant is gonna be weird as fuck, since it's about my hair and some piercings, but listen as I start talking about my hair. It's weird. It's straight somedays, curly on others, wavy on the others, and a combination of all three, though most of the time it's straight. It's also very, very, very thick and oily. Now, being in the end of my 3rd quarter of 8th grade, I keep telling people at school that I plan on getting a perm over the summer, since everyone is counting the days till then. But when I say perm, I mean tight-curls perm. Not even curls, more along the lines of coils. But everytime. Every. Single. Time. I say anything about getting a perm to someone with wavy/curly hair, they complain about how hard it is and how it'll be so much harder for me since; I'm not used to curly hair, my hair is too thick and/or my hair is super oily. All I want to do is turn and just fucking snap.
The only fucking reason my hair is straight and oily is because of the lice treatments I had to go through. I had those assholes all up on my head for 5 years straight. When I was a kid, I had to straighten my fucking hair everyday just to get it to cooperate. When I was a kid, I was fucking mistaken for a different race. My hair has always been thick, it was always silky and soft and it was in tight ass curls up until I was 5 or 6. I've experienced curly hair my entire life cause my step sister adopted triplet girls with hair that was on the verge of being kinky, but was still considered curly. I do their hair every fucking morning to this damn day. I have since they were adopted at 3 years old and that was 8 years ago. I was in my first year of having lice (I took precautions to make sure they didn't get lice. Luckily, it worked cause they never did).
I wanna fucking snap when people say to not get my hair permed into tight curls cause I won't be able to take care of them. I take care of curly hair every damn morning, 4 AM sharp, listening to babies cry when I only get 2 hours of sleep cause of my damn homework. Everything's good. I cope now, I will always fucking cope.
Two more factors make the complaining worse. Before I perm my hair, I'm getting it colored. Again, more complaining. Things like, "You'll damage your hair!" Or "Why would you color your hair, it's already so pretty." I might be doing two different colors, they might be bright and because of that, I have to bleach and color my hair. Don't get pissed because I don't wanna have basic brunette bitch hair like you (that's aimed at one person, not all brunettes. I luh u). I want to die my hair because I can. I'll perm my hair afterwards because my cousin, aunt and grandma, certified hair dressers, told me it was okay. I'm tryna live my life so back the fuck up.
Next thing, I wanna cut it, too. Before getting a perm, but after coloring it, I'm gonna try and get an undercut. More. Fucking. Complaining. "Sweetie, if you wanna color and cut your hair, you can't perm it. It'll look weird. I've tried it." Bitch. Does it look like I care about what you tried. You're pale, skinny and you have some fake ass lookin blonde hair. I am, on the other fucking hand, a delicious hunk of chubby Mexican (I'm trying to love myself more. Don't judge me). Me and you, we're completely different. I have an ass, some tits and some fat around my waist. You look like a sheet of horny construction paper (that shit feels weird...idk what y'all feel like, I swear). People may retaliate with;
"I'm not saying you'll be ugly, I'm saying curly hair and undercuts don't go well together." What if my main goal is to look ugly? To put shame to my last name (that rhymed bruh). Idgaf what you think. I'm cutting my hair, I'm coloring my hair and I'm perming this shit. I fucking live for coloring my hair, I've done it for the entirety of my middle school life. I miss having an undercut. Living in Florida with some dark ass, thick hair is hard, so the less hair, the easier my life (less shampoo and conditioner too). And my curly hair. I want that shit back. I didn't hate it then, but I also didn't love it, but. I. Want. It. Back.
So, with my hair, back tf up. Now some piercings.
My uncle does piercings for people. Yeah, total fucking pothead, but he's chill and good at his 3 steady jobs. He said, once I get old enough, he'd give me good quality piercings. Because we moved away from him, down to Florida (that was 5 years ago btw. I had ear piercings then. I also temporarily moved up to Michigan for like half a year, when he promised me), he hasn't given me my piercings yet. Over a video call, since he's overseas helping a friend move into a new house, he asked me what piercings I wanted so when he got back (I'd be halfway through my first quarter of freshman year) he could give me my piercings.
As many as I want, for no price at all. He's self employed so it's no problem, however my face/head area is all he'll do. I'm okay with it bc that's all I want. I tell him, with my bff and her bf sitting next to me. Her bf has his friend with him so he can hear me too, obviously. I say both ears and lips, possibly nose. My uncle says ok. He asks me what kind I'm considering for my ears. I say; standard lobe, upper lobe, helix and industrial. That's another ok. Then for my lips. I say; angel bites, snake bites, spider bites or shark bites. Again. Another okay. Then he asks for my nose. I say septum or nostril but the nose piercings weren't definitive. Again. That's okay.
My mom knows about this and she's okay with it. I'm my own person and what I choose to do needs to be dealt with by me. I face my mistakes, or I suffer. I choose to take some pretty bad ending risks but I learned. That's always been my lesson and it won't change. Face the consequences. My bff asks if she could get the same deal as I did. He says no but that he could lower the price significantly. She says okay, definitely happy, and her bf asks the same, getting the same response as my bff (he's cool with piercings. He had some. He just wants more). Now, my bff's bf's friend starts criticizing us, specifically me. We hate eachother so it was expected.
But this asshole. THIS ASSHOLE. Had the audacity to insult me on my choice of piercings. He's anti everything. Anti gays, anti abortion (this one is agreeable), anti Muslim, he's HORRIBLE (his personality filters into this. Believe what you want but if your personality is too evident in your opinion, DO NOT TALK TO ME. Especially if you're stuck up). I'm learning makeup atm so he goes down that road and calls me an ugly whore who deserves to die on the streets. Nice. But...same thing with the hair. I WILL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT TO. IDGAF ABOUT YOUR OPINION. Don't criticize me because I want to get tons of piercings. He went down the path of racism, too, and called me a typical Hispanic bitch. Rebellious and dumb. I have nothing to say to this other than get tf out of my house. I turn to my friends and tell them if they agree with him to leave with him. They're actual friends so they stayed but he had to find his way home in the pouring rain. Don't be an ass to innocent people cause Karma's a bitch.
Anyway, I was called a hippy, spic, typical druggie, shitty person and retard (this word isn't taken lightly in my family. Don't call people that shit).
You know what, let's rant some more.
I'm a chunky motherfucker. I way well over 100 lbs but I ain't too close to 200. I'm almost 14 and I'm kinda short. Still growing, but short.
I have lots of body fat. Obese, depends on your definition of it. Fat, yes, but I can still rock some tight clothes better than anyone else. I've embraced my body fat. Yes, I'm currently researching healthy, lemme repeat, healthy ways to get rid of it, but I've embraced it and I now tell myself I'm cute whether people like it or not. It's strange since I've never done it before but it helps with depression.
Anyway, I'm chubby but I'm working on it. I need to glow up to rock my bullies' motherfucking worlds. This dude, idek who he was, comes up, calls me fat and walks away. I turn around and yell fuck you or fuck off or some shit like that. I'm making my way to class and this other kid trips me. When I hit the ground, he screams earthquake and runs.
I get up and walk my way to class like a civil person. Eventually, my mom, who works at my school, has to take me to the hospital cause I couldn't get up and leave my class at the end of the day. Why, you may ask? Well, I had;
minor whiplash
a sprained wrist
Scrapes on my knee that were so bad, they'll probably scar
My day sucked before that so it only got worse. Besides that, the whiplash is gone, my sprained wrist is healing nicely and it's just my knees that are still fucked up.
All that trouble because some bastard wanted to fuck with me cause I'm chubby. Stop being dicks everyone, unless that's your nickname.
Finally, the last topic. Tattoos. My other uncle, the twin brother of my piercings uncle, is a tattoo artist. Game addict, too, but, like, srsly, unhealthily addicted.
Anyway, if I can't do college, I have a guaranteed spot as a tattoo designer in his parlor. I'm trying to plan for college so it might not happen but, you never know. Besides that, he gave me a deal. As many tattoos as I want, for no price. All because I'm his only blood niece.
I said hell fucking yeah (I got a shoe thrown at me for it). He said as long as I designed them, he'd give me them. Okay, not too bad since I'm a 14 year old with college level art. First, though, I had to tell him what type I wanted. I said I wanted tribal, illustrative and possibly neo traditional.
I have designs for my illustrative tattoos. One for each important person in my life. My older brother, my younger brother, my mom, my grandma, my bff and my 1st dog. I was gonna try and do one for my husband/wife when and if I get married but I was warned about tattooing names of people I'm not related to on my body. Again, I might still do it. Anyway, those are for my illustrative tattoos. Then, comes my tribal tattoos.
I plan on asking my bestfriend and my mom to choose from a set of Moon Glyphs, which symbols best represent me. Whichever common ones they choose, will be hidden in a tribal tattoo on my ribcage. I also want a tribal on the top of my forearm and a tribal band around my bicep. I may just get arrows on the inside of my other forearm.
Neo traditional will probably be a worn down banner with flowers that has a saying in it. In another language, most likely, but there'll be a saying.
Anyway, I told my uncles this and my tattoo artist uncle said he was perfectly okay with it. My mom was chill with it, too, so everything was good. Until my great grandmother got ahold of the information. So many vulgarities.
Anyway, don't be a shithead when it isn't necessary. Let people learn from their own mistakes when said mistakes are revocable.
Luv ya and thanks for reading.
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victor really lost so much weight 1970/71. i know, iāve said it before. i donāt have exact numbers but from what he said and comparing photos weāre probably talking of around 150 pounds. The next ca 7 years he stayed between 250 and 330 pounds which for a man of his height (6ā²4ā²ā) really isnāt that bad.
(Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) & The Wrath of God (1972))
and you know why he still gets remembered as being very heavy, like at his King Tut times in the late 60s? Because during the years he was slimmer, aka the early and mid 70s, he just did TV and theater. The only big motion picture he was in during that time wasĀ āThe Wrath of Godā.Ā
Just talking about it because I read two days ago that this was the main reason why he didnāt get roles in big productions anymore. they told his manager they preferred hisĀ āOld Lookā. which i suspected but, damn it made me... really mad.
i mean, i donāt prefer relatively svelte victor over heavier victor. not from a looks point of view or a morally one. it is nice to know though that it was true when he said he was happy being fat and he could diet himself down if needed, he just didnāt want to. bcs itās really rare to hear from someone who is fat and genuinely happy. anyway. he went a lot up and down with his weight since the beginning of his career. like really, A LOT. thereās barely a year where he stayed at the same weight. heād gain weight for roles and then crash diet down again, when he did stage acting he also usually lost some weight naturally and there are obviously also personal reasons, like that in the summer heat his appetite wasnāt as big and such. in short, his weight was basically constantly fluctuating which we know now is unhealthier than staying at the same weight (yes, even if it is high). he got himself thoroughly checked though by doctors every year and as he said they were always astounded at how healthy he was.Ā
Victorās only comment I could find on why he decided to loose more weight this time and keep it off more permanently was in a newspaper from Oct 1971: āI love food but I love applause more. So I want to replace one with the other and add an extra 20 years to my career. At 33, I shouldnāt be tired enough for it to affect my work at the end of the day.ā He feels he could continue down the scale from 300 pounds but he probably wonāt. āWhat would I do with myself at 190 pounds?ā
i guess what makes me mad is that he probably sacrified his health by constantly gaining and loosing weight for his job and still got mocked for his weight (like every fat person is) and when he got thinner his career suffered. but it doesnāt matter because four years before his death he gained most of the weight back (idk why, could be personal reasons, for example his mother died, for his career or for no reason at all). so because of that i still have to read sometimes articles about him where, even though the writer clearly likes him as an actor, they write about his untimely death at 43 from a heart attack like it was obviously his payback for being fat. i really hate the smugness that often comes across when they do that.Ā
iām not saying that didnāt play any role in his early death, that would be naive but i hate the attitude that when fat people die strangers always seem to become a doctor/coroner and know for a fact that being fat killed them. i mean, victor also smoked a lot. that could have played a role. or the damn weight fluctuantions! and itās not like thin middle aged men arenāt also constantly dropping dead from heart issues out of nowhere. and again, victor got himself regulary checked. iām pretty sure if he knew he had to change something about his lifestyle to stay healthy he would have. i just wish theyād talk about his untimely death as tragic as it was without always pointing at his weight as way of addingĀ āhe had it coming thoā. luckily not all do it, some are very respectful, but the ones that do really irk me.
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Stories from the Unliving Ch 4
āSo youāre the girl, huh? I have to say, quite a looker. I was really expecting worse, knowing the guy there, but hey, glad to be proven wrong!ā
āI would really appreciate you not insulting me, thank you for thatā said the young man.Ā āSheās real intelligent and was very curious about meeting youā
āI bet! Iām not your run of the mill, pond-dwelling skeleton, that you meet in most other lakes. No, I also have some pretty fat fish too!ā
āNo need to be aggressive like that, she just wants to talk to youā
āFine, fine, sorry. What did you want to talk about? ...... Hello?ā
āShe actually canāt speak, and uses her little writing board to communicateā
āAh, sorry, my bad. But yeah, just write your messages and Iāll just work with that. ...... Ah yeah, I donāt know my name, donāt remember it any more. I already explained this to your friend here, but Iāve been alive for over 30.000 years, so a lot of the early stuff is gone. Stuff like who I was, family, friends, but after meeting soooo very many people, doing soooo many things, nothing gets left. Itās like, the more I learn, and experience, the closer the cutoff gets. The first thing I remember, at this point is when my flesh had just started to decayā
āHe speaks the truth, but even still, he remembers so many others! He is a veritable academyās worth of knowledge.ā
āSure, why not. ...... I mean, I live here, itās my home, I donāt need to breathe or eat, or whatever, so Iāve made my home at the bottom of the pond here. I moved in here about 7000-8000 years ago, I had a house, actually, right over there, but decided that the upkeep on that is way more than I can be bothered with, so instead, I carved some stone furniture, and pushed it in the water, the house just degraded over time, and by now, the only thing you can see left of it, is that stone over there. That was my fireplace. Never even used the thing, it was just for aestheticsā
āI never realised you had a house here. I had assumed youāve always lived in the pond itself. What made you go under the water?ā
āFolk like you, actually. Or, I guess, how you were. Swords and armor, andĀ ābegone foul beastā while I was just chilling on my porch. ...... I mean, I canāt die, so why would I fight back? Furthermore, Iām a pacifist, and I really try to be non-confrontational, sort of, you donāt mess with me and I donāt mess with you. And honestly, even if you do mess with me, as long as you donāt go too far, I wonāt be doing much.ā
āBut what about your honor? Do you not feel the need to defend what you stand for? Why, if someone were to attack my home, I would pick up a sword and punish the person myself!ā
āIām sure you will. But again, non-confrontational, and I just donāt care too much. Obviously, you try messing with my fish, I will mess you up. I have stuff that you primitives can only dream of, and even then. ...... No offence, itās just very high technological level. Even I only get the general idea of how it works. Something about deionizing your atoms, doesnātĀ ācutā in the traditional sense, but more like, takes you apart when getting close to the edge. ...... Nah, havenāt used it in a long time. Last I did was for carving the stone furniture down at the bottom. It works on almost everything that the blade approaches.ā
āIt sounds like a mighty weapon! If that got into the wrong hands, it could mean disaster for maybe a whole kingdom!ā
āI mean, yeah, but they have to actually come here, go through me, dive to the bottom of my pond, which isnāt very shallow, Iāll have you know, get the blade, and then still fight their way through to using it. ...... Nah, I donāt think I will, itās perfectly safe where it is. I mean, only the two of you know about it, so if someone else was to find out, Iāll know who to blame.ā
āI would never betray your trust like that!ā
āItās happened before, it will happen again. Itās human nature. But it doesnāt bother me too much. Always expect the worst and you can never be disappointed, I always say. ...... Youāre dark! Iām a realist! And besides, I have my fish, and yeah, technically they mostly just are here for the food and the great environment Iāve created for them here, but they canāt betray you, since, you know. Theyāre fish. Yes, you Pete Liv! ...... Oh, this is Pete Liv. SayĀ āHiā Pete Liv. ...... His called Pete, but he is the 54th Pete that Iāve had, so Roman numerals, thatās LIV.ā
āWhatās a Roman?ā
āErrr, they used to be this real big empire thing a looooong time ago. I really donāt remember the details any more. I think someone stabbed someone else? Maybe the other way around? Who cares? Think it might have been over the throne.ā
āAny good kingdom would never follow someone who took the throne by stabbing the previous leader! Itās just undignified and downright evil! The people will never trust a person who relies on violence to lead them!ā
āCongratulations, you just discovered the basis for democracy. ...... Thatās a way of governing people where basically, anyone eligible puts their name down on a list and the people get to choose who they like most. Supposedly it isnāt rigged, but thereās always someone paying for votes. ...... Well, if youāre the previous president, youād want to keep being that, since you get quite a lot of benefits from it, and the payās nothing to shake a stick at. So, with your vast amounts of money that you have from, well, being you, you just invest a very small portion, and pay out enough people to tip the scales in your favor, so you keep staying in power, and you keep getting all the benefits and money, and whatever.ā
āI am getting confused now. Is this system a good thing or not?ā
āItās complicated. Youāll get to it eventually, but from what I can tell youāre still pretty early in the development, so monarchy it is! ...... Well, Iām still alive, but I get your question. Donāt remember, to be honest with you. Iād guess we went through a bunch of different options. There was likely a monarchy, democracy, tyranny. Dunno, maybe some others. Iāve seen quite a few governments after that, that had all sorts of varied styles. I told your friend here about that time I was an evil overlord, and put forth an age of prosperity for all involved. Until I got bored, anyways.ā
āItās true, It was an amazing tale to behold!ā
āThere was just so much infighting, and the previous ruling class, hoo boy, they werenāt happy I overthrew them all and made them all potato farmers. Apart from me, literally, everybody else was equal. Everybody got an equal amount of food for free, everybody got an equal living space for free, equal pay, equal everything. Took a while to tear everything down, and the people with the big houses, they really didnāt like me. But you get used to conformity. Itās easy to have everything provided for you.ā
āThe way you put it, that reminds me a little of the tyranny that you mentioned.ā
āIt wasnāt like anybody was suffering, I had knowledge of past ages, of more advanced medicine, that I implemented, so everyone was unnatural healthy for the age that they were in. I remember, one time they brought in a guy that was bitten by an animal. Foaming at the mouth, super excitable, trying to break free, clearly rabies. And the people were basically asking me if they should let him in the woods so he can die without causing trouble for anyone else. I just laughed, took a syringe with the vaccine and injected him. Within a few hours he had calmed down, and within a few days, he was back to farming potatoes, or whatever it is he was doingā
āThat was a very good thing to do, helping a man. We have this same illness in our time too, but we call it Mad Eyes, because of the look people get when they catch it. Itās amazing that you can heal it! You would be able to save so many people, if you wanted to!ā
āNah, not in the superhero business any more. I had that phase for a while, but got over it pretty quickly. Did you know everyone just expects heroes to do their heroing just because? And without any form of compensation? I didnāt really mind, since I didnāt need to eat or had the need for money, other than just fixing what was broken from my equipment, but someone that needed to eat, pay rent? They couldnāt keep a regular job because of all the time from it theyād had to miss. So that whole thing was short lived.ā
āBut you had the opportunity to save people, and do the ultimate good! Why would you give that up?ā
āUltimate good doesnāt buy toys! I didnāt just sit in some cave staring at the bats on the ceiling until I would hear someone calling. I had hobbies, and did things. And volunteer work doesnāt pay for a new graphics card. ...... Old technology, but somehow always gets inventent. Guess itās real perfect in the way it works. Iām sure in, oh, Iād say, 7-800 years, you lot will also have those. too. But when I saidĀ āalways gets inventedā that reminded me, did you know crabs have evolved over 15 times, completely separately from each other. Itās like nature really wants those things around. I just imagine Mother Nature being like this breen nerdy chick in an oversized turtleneck sweater, and sheās totally obsessed with this cute little crab picture with shiny eyes and everything, so she just keeps making them, just having crabs everywhere. ...... You donāt know what a crab is?ā
āWeāve never heard of such an animal! What manner of mighty beast is it?ā
āHa, I wouldnāt exactly call them beasts, but picture these 2 large blacksmith tongs on its forelegs, and another 6 legs that look like spikes, 3 on each side, with a squat little body, and everything is covered in this real hard armor. You really never heard of them?ā
āThey sound terrifying, why, even I might be taken aback by such a foe!ā
āLess of a foe, and more of a dinner, to tell you the truth. They were pretty good, as far as I remember, though I havenāt exactly tasted them in a very long time, so who knows. You know, I havenāt exactly seen any around either, so they might have gone extinct in the time Iāve spent here. Imagine Mother Nature grew bored of the things after some time, ha! But Iām speaking too much, you guys tell me something, how did you meet?ā
āOh, thatās a wonderful tale! I had just arrived into town, armor shined, and chin high. You know, this is my first real adventure, as I have only trained before.ā
āThat would explain you actually talking to me. All the old grizzled veterans really just went to kill me usually with a yell that is supposed to be scary, but honestly, itās just stupid, flailing about like madmen.ā
āOf course, noone benefits from a shout in combat and you would only distract yourself by doing so, it is the basics of armed combat.ā
āI personally prefer the completely silent approach, where I just wipe the floor with the opponent, without so much as saying a single word. That way the victory is sweeter! ...... Ah yeah, sorry, you were saying?ā
āAhem, yes, and I was looking for work. At first, everyone would walk past me, not looking at me. Even in the tavern, I would only get single word responses from the owner. It was likely how young I look, and noone trusted in my skills.ā
āI have to say, you do have quite the baby faceā
āWell, I was getting desperate, and it was soon becoming night time. I had just stuffed my pack under my head and trying to go to sleep on a bench in the town center, when she walked by! She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen! Her hair - perfectly styled, the dress - waving behind her, her eyes - reflecting the street lights. My mouth was agape! Then I saw a shadow following her. It was a hooded figure, but it was clearly a man. I decided I would follow. The figure was just staying out of sight for her, and me - out of sight for him. Eventually, she was about to go home, when I saw the man rush towards her, taking out a dagger. I acted before I could think, drawing my blade and throwing it at the man, who got pierced, let out a loud yell, alerting everyone of his presence, and most importantly, alerting her. ...... Aw, think nothing of it, I would have done it for anyone, but for you, it gave me great joy to be able save you, as I did. But she was quite terrified, so she rushed inside.ā
āAnd you just kinda, killed a guy, and happy end?ā
āNot exactly.Ā While I was cleaning my sword, some city watch arrived, and questioned me about what had happened. Apparently, the man was a well known tanner, and he was doing a good job at what he did, and I was just a stranger that had walked into town and had killed a person. Well, things were starting to get fiery, when she came out, and defended me! Using her little board, she explained to the guards what had happened, and how I saved her. They let it go, and took the body away, while she invited me over for dinner and she let me stay the night, in front of her fireplace, so I donāt freeze outside.ā
āWell, that was sweet of you. He was a stranger to you, a guy with a bloody sword, essentially, yet you defended him. Not many people would do something like that... ...... No no, Just thinking out loud. Do you guys have any plans for the evening?ā
āYes, we will be having dinner in this eatery hall in town - The Black Goose. Iāve heard that they have this special type of roast, where they first boil the whole cleaned goose in lard and herbs for 4 hours, and then roast it on an open flame so it gets this well roasted outside, and I have just been anticipating going there.ā
āWhat do you think? ...... Yeah, it does sound a little heavy, but maybe they have some vegetables they made in the lard. Good luck on your date!ā
āI am not familiar with that word, but we will make sure to enjoy our outing, wonāt we?ā
āYou do that! And tell me how the duck is tomorrow!ā
āWeāll bring some back for you.ā
āYou do realise I canāt actually eat it, right? Like, I have no mouthā
āIt matters not, as I like to say, what truly matters is that the people close to you, paid you mind.ā
āA little clunky and long, donāt you think? WouldnātĀ āItās the thought that countsā work better? Same meaning, just a little shorterā
āHmm, I do prefer my version better, but I thank you for your input. I truly do value it! Well, weāre off! Weāll see you later!ā
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Day 3: Therapy Sessions
Wow. Guys. We have made it three whole days. Iām proud of us. And by us, I mean me. And by made it, I mean actually keeping up with this stream of conscious thing. Iām surprised that I havenāt completely given up on this thing yet. Itās actually, dare I say--fun. Lets see how long I can keep this thing going.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Today was fairly productive. Kind of. I went to class. Thatās my definition of productive. Iām trash. Today we went over the three scenes that Iām notĀ in, and then we had one volunteer blindly pick a story to portray as a monologue. They didnāt pick my story, but it was a very interesting metaphor that the guest professor had. Basically, it was that we need to realize that every character we portray in our career as an actor is aĀ ārealā story that is being told--its up to us to make their story come to life. I thought it was really insightful, and I think remembering that will help me in my career going forward while learning new characters and memorizing their stories.Ā Ā Ā Ā As for the rest of my day, I watched a movie, took a nap, and went to my last experiential group. That shit was bittersweet.Ā I remember going to the treatment center literally counting down the days until I was discharged. Now? I donāt know... I looked forward to the groups. It was something fairly positive that was also productive in a safe environment. I guess I have the productive part with school--with my university being in the heart of downtown, I donāt think that safeĀ really is the best word to describe the campus. Itās more dangerous at night, but lets be honest... with all the school shootings going around in our God forsaken country, Iād be naive to believe a campus is the safest place to be. People be crazy.Ā Ā Ā Ā Enough of the sappy shit. I actually am happy that tomorrow is my last day. I canāt keep spending $200+ on groups every week because of the community. I need to find that community in a cheaper place--preferably a free place lmao. I am, however,Ā veryĀ excited to shell out my really good friend from our shared group. I believe that Mindfulness is actually the group where I first met her. Her name on here shall be Tree. Tree knows who she is. (She follows this blog because sheĀ ālikes the way I write.ā Me too, Tree. Me too). Jesus fucking christ, I ramble like a mother fucker. I canāt wait to read her shell out to her. It is going to be full of inside jokes, rent quotes, and sprinkled with heartfelt nuggets of emotion. It will be a shit show, and Iām looking forward to it. There are so many new people, and they are all going to be 100% done with both of us, but Tree and I have worked far too hard to make sure we shell out on the same day. Weāve been planning on breaking out together.Ā Ā Ā Ā Therapy today was a thing. I feel more vulnerable than usual. I need a name for my therapist. I guess we can call him Pink. Our ongoing joke while he was an intern at the center was that on Wednesdays, weād wear pink. Out of maybe a month and half of him being my individual, we only actually both wore pink on Wednesday once. Honestly, heās the best therapist Iāve ever had. So Pink was asking me the usual questions... how my restriction had been this week, if I had weighed myself, how my meals were going... and then he hit me with,Ā āWhy are we restricting? Is it because youāre forgetting to eat, or is it defiant?ā Hereās how that conversation went: Me: Its honestly about 50/50 between the two. Pink: What is the thought behind the defiant restriction? Me: Iām not sure. Pink: It has to be something... usually its thatĀ āI want to lose weight... if I restrict, Iāll be stronger... etc.ā Me: *long pause and deep fucking breath* I want to lose weight. Pink: Okay, so walk me through a day with your meals. Me: Well... I mean.. I wake up around 9:45, and go to work around 10:10... Iām hungry, but lunch is only a few hours away, so its not a big deal. Pink: Rian, that is t h r e e hours. Your body will be hungry again for lunch... Me: ... I just drink coffee... it helps... Pink: *visible frustration* I KNOW. I KNOW IT HELPS.Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ohhhhh the shit I put this poor man through. He really is helpful though. We also figured out tonight that right now Iām restricting because I want to feel more comfortable in my body. Which raised the question of where do I not feel comfortable. The answer to that would be my apartment. It feels so hostile there. I still need to explain that fuckshow to you guys. Iāll make that a separate post for lengthās sake... weāre already getting pretty long with this post. Anywho, long story short, Pink wants me to talk to my roommate that I have issues with. She reached out to me earlier this week, and I honestly just donāt trust her motives. I think sheās finally realizing that she did something shitty, feels bad, wants to talk it out, and only wants to do so because she feels guilty. I genuinely think she is only trying to clear her conscious.Ā Ā Ā Ā Maybe I will talk to her. Simply just to explain why I havenāt moved back into our apartment since our falling out. I feel so unwanted, and regardless of the fact that Iām not really wanted in our apartment, I still have the right to be treated like a decent human being with emotions (no matter how emotionless I try to be). I did nothing wrong--nothing major anyways. Again, Iāll explain this in a different post if you want to know about that drama.Ā Ā Ā Ā My main concern is where I am going to be living come June 1st. Iām trying not to stress out because everything will work out for the best (hopefully), but I canāt help but catastrophize the situation and come to the conclusion that my stuff will end up in a storage unit and Iāll just live out of my car until I find roommates. All of this came up when Pink asked what I planned on doing in the meantime. I didnāt have the heart to tell him that I genuinely felt Iād end up homeless by summer, but its fine. Everything is fine. I guess I could always crash on my friendās couch at the end of the day, but I really donāt want to add any stress to her and her boyfriend. With Crashy, I at least know its only him Iām bothering if I am in fact even bothering him. God, all of this is making me need a cigarette and its fucking freezing outside. Even Pink though was like,Ā āwell... you have found yourself in a pickle, havenāt you?ā Why yes Pink. Yes I have.Ā Ā Ā Ā After group and therapy, I decided to go across the street to their res program to see a friend of mine. He tried to be real slick and say,Ā ābye guys, Iām leaving and Rian is staying in my place.ā The look of actual fear as if this scenario from hell was actually happening had to have been entertaining to the res staff lmao. I was talking to one of the ladies with my friend and we were talking about me leaving the day treatment center and she was like,Ā āOh you must be doing well with your eating disorder.ā To which my response was obviously,Ā ānope. Not even close. Iām just poor.ā She had no comment for that one lol. My dark humour will hopefully take me places one day. Ā Ā Ā Once I left my friend, I went to Taco Bell and had my usual three tacos with six mild sauces and watched the latest Shane Dawson video. Shane is queen. Fucking love that guy. This week he made Ryland wear a fat-suit for a day so Ryland could understand how Shane felt in his younger years when he was obese. It took a very real, dark turn very quickly--and thankfully it was after I had already eaten my tacos. Shane was mentioning how he remembered being so out of energy that he didnāt even want to move or talk the moment he sat on a couch. While I have never been obese, I have been severely underweight, and that isnāt any easier--I completely related, and then fell down a very dark rabbit hole of body image issues and how I have a love/hate relationship with my new body. I like having boobs and an great ass, but I also would doĀ Ā a n y t h i n gĀ to have my old body back from my lowest weight. Not many people know that about me... they think Iām doing so great with myĀ ārecoveryā and that Iām living it up in the city with my friends and modeling while trying to find freelance jobs with acting, filming, and editing.Ā Ā Ā Ā It just honestly made me want to take out the entire weekās worth of calories and just fucking starve myself until I got back into the 90s. I loved the way my body looked. The thinspo shit that I post? I looked like most of them. I miss that shit. I miss being envied for my body. I miss people asking me what I did to stay so thin (to which I always gave healthy advice). I miss being noticed the second I walked into a room--my old nurse says it was because I was scaring the hell out of everyone, but I like to think it was because they were like,Ā āfuck... who is she.āĀ There are so many things I miss about being that thin. Lets be honest here, it was never enough, because of course it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for this god damned eating disorder... but I want to try.Ā I guess its a good thing Iām still being weight monitored because there is no way in hell that Pink will let me get anywhere close to where I was without having to go back to iop. Hell... if I did it quick enough, heād probably send me over to res and I could go party it up with my friend who is in res right now. Or he can come visit me for a change lmao. Anyways, rant over. Iām going to go drown my sorrows in The Office and cookie dough. Fuck eating disorders.
-- Rian Dianna
#therapy#therapy problems#therapy humor#humour#eating disorder#anorexia#ana#fuck this shit#fuck eating disorders#roommate#roommate problems#journal#blog#venting#giving up#leaving treatment#bittersweet#final thoughts#late night thoughts#modeling#theatre#theatre geek#theatre nerd#monologue#scripts#uni#university#college#city life#mean girls
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The Foodie Files, The Final Chapter, Zucchini Bellpepper, Writer of Wrongdoing, Takes a Knee
My last case almost did me in. I was still having nightmares about it and my left big toe was broken for some reason I cannot recall. I donāt really want to get into it here, as Iām trying to move past it, or some other gobbledygook my therapist calls it, but it involved a large shipment of oysters that were way past their prime, the Reno chapter of the Chicago mob (more on that later), and an underage health inspector working his way through community college.
Iāve been thinking itās time to retire, or whatever retired people do, when they go back into the workforce ā run a sketchy private eye firm that moves offices every six months due to questionable arson and fake subpoenas and overdue bills that keep showing up in the mail ā and then try to retire again. Take my gal, Raspberry Cardamom, on a long trip around southeast Asia, maybe even open up another office there in some old abandoned warehouse on the edge of sketch, but Iām digressing, and daydreaming again, or what my therapist calls, ādis-projectingā. My lady. She saves me from myself, Iām thrilled to know her ā yet disturbed why she wants to hang with me ā but Iām trying not to ask too many questions anymore. Ā
So, I had to move to Reno after the previous warehouse incident. I wasnāt even there at the time, but am being sued by my landlord now. Iām trying to work off the damages by helping his college dropout son get into the business. Another reason to skip town, more like skip country, close up shop, maybe write my memoirs, or at least eat a good taco. Plus, the Chicago mob has their eye on me for some reason. Maybe itās that old hot dog case I never solved. I know it stirred things up back in the day when I was first getting gum on my shoe.
I had to leave before another fire broke out. My landlord would be happy to see me go anyway. There was a clause in the lease about maximum undesirables on the property in a given day, something my lawyer couldnāt even explain. I was packing up my things, and getting ready to seal the envelope with my office key, when they waltzed in. Three of them. Long multi-colored hair, nose rings, Crocs, and āthe ātudeā.
I said, āSorry, I was just leaving, actually leaving for good, I donāt take any new appointments. Ā āAre you Zucchini Bell-something?ā, one of the somber ones said. āYes, I amā, I said, not bothering to correct her. āWho are you?ā She spoke up, obviously taking the lead, āIām Kite, these are my friends, Vikan and Paolo. We heard about you from Avocado Toast. She says you straightened things out for her, saved her from the paparazzi, and such.ā Avocado used to be my secretary, and was best friends with Raspberry. If she recommended these stragglers, I could at least hear what they had to say.
The taller one, Vikan I think, spoke up. āWeāre all from California, Orange County. Our parents all went to high school together, and we sort of all grew up together. Lately, we have been having some real problems with all the actors, musicians, fitness instructors, so-called nutrition experts, and models out there. We came here to get away, but we have to keep moving. We think they are following us. Youāre our last hope, Zucchini!ā
I sat down. āOK, whatās the problem?ā I asked. Vikan continued, āSo we all sort of are in this band, play small clubs from time to time, so a lot of people know us, but lately itās been getting out of hand. After a set we get bombarded with crazed and scary-looking folks. Theyāre obviously not fans. They look hungry and angry.ā āDescribe them to meā, I said, getting intrigued. He said, āWell, they talk really fast, are not in the clubs to drink any alcohol, and donāt even snack on the free pretzels at the bar. They come over to us and start blaming us for waking up hungry, having nightmares, and one of them said on time, that she stared at her cats for too long one time, whatever that means.
āWeāve never seen these people before, and the celebrities started to have their people call our people, really our parents, to complain about something called self-cannibalism, cravings for Cuban food, and the boredom of lettuce wraps. We have no idea what they are talking about. Weāre trying to put out some good music, and, sure we all eat at different restaurants, which weāve always done, but...ā
āWait a minute!ā, I said seeing where this was going, āI think I know whatās going on. Why donāt you all have a seat?ā Paolo spoke up, āDo you really think you can help us? I mean, we have to get back to California, we have shows lined up, but are kind of scared to go back there.ā I said, āHereās whatās happening. I donāt think you know what kind of effect you have on the world at large.ā Vikan got excited, āDo you mean our latest record? I know itās just a demo, but wow!ā āNoā, I said, āThis has nothing to do with music. Itās your names and what they are causing. Do you know why your parents gave you those names?ā Paolo replied, āI mean they said they wanted to name us after something special that happened in their lives, but never really told us about it. They seem like normal names to us I guess.ā
I went on, āYou see there are these food fads that have been out for some time, and though they might help people at first, they arenāt sustainable, and can actually do some damage. Paolo, you were named after the Paleo Diet, which your parents probably were on at the time you were born. Itās very confusing, itās supposed to mimic what humans ate during caveman times. It makes some good points about how agriculture wasnāt developed yet, and food was hunted and gathered for survival. But we have adapted since then, our digestive system has developed, our DNA has evolved, and there werenāt any food processors back then, so how did they make orange sesame sauce or zucchini noodles? Plus, there can be many vitamin deficiencies related to this diet, and high levels of saturated fat and protein, which can be toxic. Plus, I donāt trust any diets that say you canāt have hummus and pita chips.ā
I turned to Kite next and said, āYou have it a little harder, toots. Imagine being on a Paleo Diet, then being forced to live inside a garbage bag with no air circulation. You were named after the Keto Diet, sadly. This diet has everyone turning into zombies. Itās even more restrictive with higher levels of saturated fat and protein, and only the lowest-carbohydrate vegetables like lettuces, greens and broccoli. It forces your body to lose weight artificially from not only stored fat being used as fuel, but your body losing muscle and tissue mass as well. So, you think you are losing weight, but some of the weight is actually part of your body. After a couple weeks there could also be permanent liver and other organ damage.Ā
āA lot of these diets were created by ānutrition expertsā that were trying to sell books and supplement programs, and not really concerned with an overall healthy lifestyle eating program. Plus, I donāt trust any diets that say you canāt have your morning oatmeal with blueberries, cāmon! I gotta keep regular ya know?!ā
Vikan turned to me and said, āWhat about me, Zucchini? I mean my parents seem like they eat normally, we just donāt eat any meat or fish or seafood or turkey or dairy or eggs or anything fun. We seem to have a lot of potlucks, though, with foods that come in oval-shaped ceramic baking dishes. I love me a rockinā scrambled tofu!ā
I had texted my squeeze, Raspberry, after these scoundrels first walked in, and had her stand in line for a couple of hours at one of these joints that sells chicken sandwiches. I knew weād be here awhile. I said to the group, āWell, certainly she was named after the Vegan Diet, which is virtually the opposite of both Paleo and Keto Diets, so Iām not sure how all your parents got along back in the day. While there is certainly nothing wrong with eating a mostly plant-based diet, with foods from every kingdom, including mushrooms, vegetables, fruits, legumes like lentils and peas, beans, sea vegetables, and whole grains, which I call āsmart carbsā. These are slow-burning foods that donāt raise your blood sugar, and take a long time to digest, so your body uses the calories as fuel in a sensible and sustainable manner.Ā
āThe problem is most people donāt eat all of these foods, or know where to buy them or how to cook them so that they taste really good. Plus, you have to eat complete proteins like quinoa, wild rice, and other grains mixed in with legumes, seeds, nuts, and beans to get a complete nutrition profile. Most vegans or vegetarians simply donāt eat any meat or other animal products, but are not necessarily making good food choices, like eating organic, local and sustainable whenever possible, or eating plant-based proteins, and a wide variety of foods.
I like to eat this way, but after a dayās work, I donāt have the time to cook for hours. I like to eat like a vegetarian, but with meat on top! And Raspberry, well, she tries, but we try to at least eat organic and so on. And... oh, look, here she is now!ā
We were all starving at that point and dug into those controversial chicken sandwiches, even Vikan. I made a mental note to have a really good walnut salad for dinner. I looked around and thought, I know how we can get these kids back to California without anyone bothering them anymore. We made a plan. We called up all the agents and fitness instructors, and got them to agree to put these chicken sandwiches in everyoneās trailers, green rooms and lockers. This way, the aroma attacks them when they come back from training or performing, and they canāt resist. Afterwards, theyāll rethink their fad diets and come to their senses, fire their nutritionists, and even the vegans will have a cup of bone broth once in a while maybe.
I closed up the office for good this time for real. Said goodbye to our guests, and refused payment. I was good, clear-headed and ready for my next adventure. A couple days later I got a check in the mail from one of these chicken franchises thanking me for increasing their stock valuation. Raspberry and I took the money and, well, I canāt tell you where weāre going, because I think the nutritionistsā union is after me.
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Thank you :D
This is gonna be a long post so continue at your own peril.
Is a kiss considered cheating?If itās a proper snog, yeah.
Have you ever faked orgasm?Yeah.
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?Probably.
Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?I donāt know if Iāll be rich, but hopefully rich enough to live comfortably.
Tell us some funny drunk story.I donāt think I really have any funny ones :ā)
Why are you no longer together with your ex?I donāt know that there was a particular reason, it just didnāt work out.
If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be?Ā Natural causes.
What are your current goals?To get through uni and get a 2:1/1st, and try to lower my body fat (mainly for health right now).
Do you like someone?I donāt know, I think I might but Iām not sure.
Who was the last person to disappoint you?Myself for not going to the gym when Iāve got a membership and keep saying I will.
Do you like your body?I donāt like how it looks overall, but there are good parts to me. Itās worked relatively fine so far, so Iām happy with that.
Can you keep a diet?Not unless I can get past the first month of it.
If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?Did Barry the Bee really have sexual relations with Vanessa, and did Ken ever get to have yoghurt night?
Do you work?No.
If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Chicken wraps probably.
Would you get a tattoo?Yeah, I want one but Iām just not sure what to start with.
Something you donāt mind spending all your money on?Food.
Can you drive?Yes.
When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Idk man itās been a while. *tiny violin plays in the distance*
What was the last thing you cried for?I think I was just really sad and really tired, there was no real trigger.
Do you keep a journal?Nope.
Is life fun?It can be sometimes. It can also be a lot of effort.
Is farting in front of people irrelevant?I donāt know what this means by irrelevant but I donāt think it matters much unless itās a crowded area.
Whatās your dream car?This changes, but I do really want a Dodge Charger (either a 1970s one or the 2014 model)
Are grades in school important?Yes, because it can affect what direction you take for your career (i.e. choosing if/where to go to university), but itās not the most important thing. You can get bad grades and still be successful and happy in life.
Describe your crush.Really chilled out, similar sense of humour to me and just quite easy to be around.
What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?Iām listening to the audiobookĀ āHow to Build a Universe: An Infinite Monkey Cage Adventureā by Brian Cox, Robin Ince and Alexandra Feachem. Itās impressive how they can talk about and explain these theories about space and time in a way that is accessible and often comedic.
What was your last lie?Probably something likeĀ āI canāt come out, I have a lot of work to doā.
Dumbest lie you ever told? When I was a kid, my mum caught me playing my Gameboy when I wasnāt supposed to, and I tried to lie and say I didnāt even though I clearly was.
Is crying in front of people embarrassing?I donāt feel comfortable doing it because a lot of people do judge others when they cry in public, but if itās people I know then I donāt really feel it should be embarrassing.
Something you did and you are proud of?Cleaned and decorated my room in my new house.
Whatās your favourite cocktail?Iād probably still go with long islands, purely because I havenāt found another one that I love yet.
Something you are good at?Complaining.
Do you like small kids?I donāt mind them, Iām just terrible at dealing with them.
How are you feeling right now?Like I should be writing my essay rather than procrastinating :ā)
What would you name your daughter/son?I donāt have a clue.
What do you need to be happy?Financial and emotional stability and a healthy relationship.
Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Not right now, Iām feeling pretty chill.
What was the last gift you received?GTA 5 from my friends for my birthday
What was the last gift you gave?It was just a Ā£20 playstation store card and we made him cocktails as well.
What was the last concert you went to?The Community Festival in Finsbury Park
Favourite place to shop at?Blue Inc.
Who inspires you?My parents, and DwayneĀ āThe Rockā Johnson.
How old were you when you first got drunk?18.
How old were you when you first got high?Still havenāt.
How old were you when you first had sex?16.
When was your first kiss?When I was 14 or 15.
Something you want to do until the end of this year?Come up with ideas for music videos and sketches.
Is there something in the past you wish you hadnāt done?Yes.
Post a selfie.Really not feeling it today, sorry.
Who are you most comfortable around?@robbiesheehanigan,Ā @lucashaggettphotography, @i-dw and @th4t-f33ling
Name one thing that terrifies you.Heights.
What kind of books do you read?I usually read fantasy books, but books about space are also great.
What would you tell your 12 year old self?Get into a sport, itāll help you in the future.
What is your favourite flower?Chrysanthemums.
Any bad habits you have?Oh yes. Definitely.
What kind of people are you attracted to?People who are kind, Iām comfortable being around, have a similar sense of humour, and I donāt really know apart from there beingĀ āsomethingā that makes them attractive to me.
Is there something you donāt eat? Some food that truly disgust you?Other than cod, I donāt really like seafood. I also really donāt like olives.
Are you in love?No.
Something you find romantic?Sitting in front of a fire together somewhere scenic and toasting marshmallows. Also stargazing.Ā
How long was your longest relationship? About 4 years.
What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex?Ā Iām just going to say three things in general.1 - When people are unnecessarily rude to waiting/bar staff.2 - When people only want to do things their way or no way, with no contingency plan or even listening to what other people have to say, even if itās valid.3 - People who say theyāll do something, and constantly donāt.
What are you saving money for?A car or a new camera.
How would you describe your bad side?Rude, nasty to people, and short-tempered.
Are you actually a good person? Why?I hope so, but I donāt know how to judge that. I think Iām probably just a neutral person.
What are you living for?To see what happens next.
Have you ever done anything illegal?Aha, nice try cops
Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?I probably have and canāt remember, so Iām sorry to anyone who I may have done that to.
Ever sent nudes?Nah Iām not that confident :ā)
Have you ever cheated on someone?No.
Favourite candy?I could always go for a bounty or kit-kat.
Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!Not really, I mostly just look at my timeline.
Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?I do, I started playing Dark Souls 3 recently and itās really fun but Iām not particularly good at it. My favourite game changes but I think the one Iāve always liked is Tom Clancyās Hawx.
Favourite TV series?I still really like Community, though Tokyo Ghoul and Stranger Things are also amazing.
Are you religious? Does God exist?I used to be but now Iām not so much. I think there might be some type of higher power, but I donāt definitively believe that there is or isnāt.
What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?I answered this with the one about a book thatās impressed me :)
What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?I think vegetarianism is admirable, probably more ethically correct and environmentally friendly. I donāt really know enough about veganism to make an informed comment, but itād probably be a similar opinion.Ā
How long have you been on Tumblr?Probably like 5 years or so. I think I had it before then but never used it.
Do you like Chinese food?Yes.
McDonalds or Subway?McDonalds
Vodka or whiskey?Straight whiskey, vodka if itās with a mixer
Alcohol or drugs?Alcohol
Ever been out of your province/state/country?Yes
Meaning behind your blog name?I watched Stranger Things 2 and Steve as the babysitter is my favourite thing. Also the last scene where heās giving Dustin a pep talk is brilliant.
What are you scared of?Heights. A lot of other things too, but letās just go with heights.
Last time you were insulted?Probably earlier today (part of banter with my friends)
Most traumatic experience ?I have no idea, probably the many times I ran into the door frame when I was younger.
Perfect date idea?Dinner and a movie (even if itās at home) is a great idea. Stargazing and a campfire (and obviously food) would also be amazing, but I feel like thatād be once I know them a little better.
Favourite app on your phone?The Clock app, I would probably not wake up on time without it.
What colour are the walls in your room?White
Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I watch YouTube, Iāve always loved Markiplier because heās a lovely person (though I havenāt really watched his videos recently). I really like Shane and Ryan in Buzzfeed Supernatural.
Share your favourite quote.Lāamor che move il sole e lāaltre stelle
What is the meaning of life?I feel like thatās a question for Google.
Do you like horror movies?Not really, I can watch them and I think some of them are great, but I get scared by them really easily.
Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Yeah, I think the most recent time was when I turned 21 and/or came back to uni.
Do you feel lucky or special in a way?Yeah, Iāve lived quite a good life. I have an amazing family who have always looked after me and shown me love, and I think Iām lucky to have that.
Can you keep a secret?Probably, depends on the secret. You got a confession to make?
Thank you for asking :) Also @robbiesheehanigan someone else also did the 1 to 100 thing so here you go xo
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How it all came to be...
Why, how, what, whenā¦?
This post is about my backstory, which I didnāt realise was so complex until I began writing it down. It makes me feel incredibly sad and sorry for the old me, but regardless, our pasts make us who we are today so instead, Iām embracing my tale of woe and writing this hoping to connect with those who read it, those who might be suffering from mental health issues or eating disorders like I did. So letās start from the beginningā¦.
I had a wonderful childhood: two loving parents who adored me and a younger sister. From the age of five I started gymnastics and it turned out I was pretty good at it. I trained five, sometimes six times a week with fierce dedication. I was determined to be the best and I wanted to win competitions, which I mostly did. I guess I was quite competitive. At the age of 16 I became the National Champion for my category and it was a glorious moment; Iād worked so hard for this day. Alongside gymnastics, I danced with a troop and performed in many shows. I also played netball and entered most school sports competitions. My grades at school were always very good and through hard work and commitment, I performed very well academically. Things were great for 16 year old me. I met my first love in the Sixth Form whilst studying for my A levels. It was an exciting time for me because I felt so ānormalā and my social life had always been second to my training regime. So, I was living this wonderful life where I felt amazing in so many ways - school was going well, I was sporty, body confident and had a boyfriend who really, really liked me. Perfect! Oh, and I ate food by the bucket load! In fact, I LOVED food. People would always say to me, āWhere do you put it all? Do you have hollow legs?ā Well I was doing so much sport that I was burning calories at lightning speed and to be honest, I was proud of how much I could eat, really proud! I remember one time, I went to my new boyfriendās Dadās house for a good old Sunday roast - my favourite! We got there and I waited patiently for my plate of food (I was used to helping myself to generous portions, always going back for seconds and sometimes thirds. This was swiftly followed by pudding of some kind). I was sooooo hungry when we arrived. When his Dad presented me with my long awaited roast dinner, my first thought was, āWhereās the rest of it?!ā But his Dad smiled and said, āNow donāt worry if you canāt finish it, I know thereās a lot there.ā Was he joking? I knew Iād nail that!
So after clearing my plate easily, I felt their eyes on me...they were either impressed or in shock. I was asked if I wanted seconds and of course I said yes. And yes to the dessert that followed. I could eat a lot, I had a huge appetite and I liked that about myself. I didnāt know what a calorie was then or how to count it. I didnāt know what had fat in it and what didnāt. I certainly wasnāt intolerant to any food groups and I ate what I felt like, when I felt like it. Food was food and nothing more. Little did I know this was all about to change, and spiral out of control into a full blown ED.
Cause 1:
The first major (and root) cause of my ED and negative body image was finding out my Dad was having an affair with a woman that went to the same exercise class as him. My Mum was beside herself, as was I. In a heartbeat, my world shattered. He left that night and I hated him for what he had done. My Mum was left in pieces with no one there to pick her up, apart from me. I was 17 at the time and my sister was 12. I had to grow up very quickly indeed. My Mum needed me to help her through. I donāt really think my sister understood what was going on but what she did know was that daddy didnāt love mummy anymore and didnāt want to be around us either. He just left us, burying his head in the sand to avoid his own feelings of guilt, betrayal and abandonment. His new life had no room for us and the āother womanā didnāt like him seeing his childrenā¦.itās fair to say I hated her. What I didn't realise at the time, being just 17 years old, was that the whole situation planted a toxic idea in my head: we werenāt enough for him...I wasnāt enough.
Cause 2:
A few months passed and in that time I cried a lot. And I mean A LOT. Then came the second cause of my ED. I contracted the most awful bout of food poisoning which left me hospitalised. I was on a drip, had all sorts of injections to stop the sickness and ended up losing a tonne of weight. After I recovered I returned to ānormalā life. Ā It was shortly after this that it happened and I remember the exact moment which I now know to be the beginning of my ED. I was in my bedroom and suddenly caught my reflection in the mirror, sideways on: I saw a rounded, bloated belly that Iād not seen beforeā¦.. āwhat the heck is that?!ā I thought to myself. Having stared at it for a while I decided it was fat and it needed to go quickly, so maybe I should stop eating things with fat in them, because obviously fat makes you fat, right? (Poor little me, clueless and naive - how wrong I was). After a couple of weeks I decided that my stomach was not getting any better so I went to the Drs because something must be wrong. Well it turned out, the food poisoning had wiped out my gut flora and ripped my insides to shreds, so they were sore! Of course they were sore, Iād just had the worst food poisoning imaginable! So the Dr concluded that I had developed intolerances and suggested I cut out wheat and gluten (Hmmm, a restrictive diet. ALARM BELLS RINGING FOR ANYONE RIGHT NOW?!) So, happy with my diagnosis, off I went to find gluten free products (which at the time werenāt really heard of, not like todayās market) and I was actually quite excited by the novelty. So with the gluten food group cut out, I lessened my symptoms but it was still happening. I went back to the Dr and this time he told me to cut out dairy (SECOND ALARM BELL ANYONE?!). So off I went, cutting out all forms of gluten and dairy, but without the success I was hoping for! My symptoms were alleviated slightly but not gone and I just wanted them gone! After that, I took matters into my own hands and spent hours on the internet researching what could be wrong and how to fix it. I found the Candida Albicans diet, the IBS diet and the food combining protocol. Wellā¦.I did them all in one go. I just had to get rid of this bloating! This lasted for a year and in that year I unintentionally lost a LOT of weight. I went from a healthy size 10 to a 6, still training 6 times a week and expending a phenomenal number of calories without fueling my body. I was running on empty constantly. I was weak, I looked ill, I was always cold and my mood was unpredictable. Everything seemed to annoy me and I had many a fall out with my boyfriend who probably had no idea what had happened to his once lively, happy girlfriend. I was utterly miserable and I wore baggy clothes to hide this disgusting and hideous bloating that continued to rule my life. I would stand in the mirror sideways for hours. Iād take photographs of my stomach before and after eating for comparisons and Iād cry on the floor about it when I saw the difference. I sought out herbal healers, hypnotherapists, private doctorsā¦.you name it, I tried it! I look back on 19 year old me and think, āyou poor, poor girl. If only youād just given your stomach time to heal instead of cutting out X,Y and Z, would things have been different?ā
Cause 3:
The third cause, (or turning point really) came when I was at breaking point. Iād had enough of not eating anything at all and still being bloated. I was avoiding most food groups but getting nowhere. Naturally, I rebelled and said āf*** itā to the diets: I decided that I would just eat EVERYTHING because I wasn't getting any better either way. Having starved and deprived myself of nutrients and flavours for months, I was like a wild animal, taken over by lust for the food that was forbidden! And that was my first binge. When I finally snapped out of my binge-eating trance, along came new feelings that Iād not really experienced after food before: guilt, followed by a wave of disgust, self loathing and dismay. But that was just the beginning and I thought about gorging on food constantly after that, becoming a regular binge eater. Having practically starved myself for a year, this new way of eating meant I began putting weight back on, but turns out I didnāt like that one bit. I hated seeing yet another unwanted change in my body and desperately sought to control my weight gain. So while binge eating in secret and then punishing myself with additional exercise, misusing laxatives and attempting (but failing) to make myself sick, I went back to the doctor who referred me to a counsellor. It was the counsellor who told me that the food combining diet I had done sounded awfully like slimming world and if I wanted a nutrition plan like that then maybe I should look into itā¦.was she SERIOUS?! To this day I cannot believe that this lady, who must have seen the ED in me, told me to look into another diet. Well obviously, being desperate to lose weight, I went along! Oh and it lasted only a few weeks before the binge cycle kicked Ā back in and I put the weight Iād lost on again. When I look back now, I was barely a size 10 by this point but in my head I was enormous. After attempting slimming world I just returned to exercising like crazy, not eating, then binging, trying to follow some of my old diets etc and then binging again. Enter the fourth cause.
Cause 4:
Remember my first love? Well, heād been going out a lot around that time, disappearing off with his friends, leaving me at his house with his family or forgetting to come over to mine. Heād started going out clubbing and drinking almost every weekend and things were āoffā. Looking back, Iām not surprised because he was a young 20 year old lad and his girlfriend was going through some serious stuff that he couldn't even begin to understandā¦.I barely understood myself! Donāt get me wrong though, I am merely explaining his behaviour, not excusing it. So one night, he tells me that he wants to go on a ābreakā, a bit like the whole Ross and Rachel thing from Friends I guess. I was stunned: why, what, howā¦? I couldnāt make sense of it. I loved him so much and thought we would be together forever. He was everything I thought I wanted. He told me that he needed to do this so that we could then be together again - it was necessary to strengthen us. āDonāt worry,ā he told me, āthis is so we can get back together again and be happy.ā (Pffffffft?!)
So I went along with it, only to discover that whilst heād been out partying all those weekends heād met someone else - someone who I saw as very attractive. But all I could think was, āI bet she has a flat stomachā¦.ā How sad, right? Throughout the next year he strung us both along, telling me that he missed me but she sheād fallen in love with him and he didnāt know what to do. He wanted us both. Of course, I was foolish enough to believe his lies and still pandered to him when he called, went to his familyās events and when he said jump, I said how high. I loved him unconditionally, but blindly. I was in constant fear of losing him to the other girl who also loved him and I couldnāt lose. I realise now that this must have been a reflection of the situation with my Mum and Dad. One time, he was coming back from a lad holiday and heād asked me to go round and wait for him to get back. Before the flight, heād text me a lovely message about missing me and that he loved me. Anyway, for whatever reason - fear, jealousy, distrust - when heād fallen asleep I looked through his phone messages. He had been sending identical messages to the both of us. I couldn't believe it. I was beside myself, again! All the while, each and every day my feelings of not being good enough were furiously reinforced. She was better than me and I just wasnāt pretty enough, slim enough, fun enoughā¦..you name it, I thought I wasnāt enough of it.
The final straw was a few weeks later when I met someone I quite liked and began texting him. But, he found out somehow and went bonkers at me. He told me Iād ruined everything now and there was no way we would get back together. Looking back at this I know I should have walked away then and there, but all I felt then was hopeless and full of regret, like somehow this was all my fault. It was around that time I did something I never imagined Iād do: I overdosed on paracetamol.
I had no intention of killing myself at any point, it just sort of happened. I was in so much pain, emotional pain, that I think I confused it with physical pain and I wanted it gone. I wanted to end it all and I also wanted him to be sorry. So it happened out of despair and instantly I regretted it. I thought that I would be OK but after being rushed to the hospital, they took some blood tests and realised Iād taken a dangerous amount. I spent the next two nights on a drip to flush out my system and have a psychiatric assessment. What a fool Iād been and how selfish of me to scare my family like that. Even after that experience I was still in contact with my ex, hoping that we might be together again one day. One day though, Iād had enough of feeling the need to compete with another girl and I asked him to do one thing for me. I told him that if he loved me like he said he did, he could do one thing for me and just be in a relationship with this other girl. I knew this was the only way I could move forwards. And he did it.
After all these years, Iāve completely let go of the hurt and anger I felt towards my ex. I forgive him for everything and actually wish I could apologise for putting him through so much without even realising. I hope he is truly happy with his life and family and thank him for some lovely memories. If only I knew then what I know now.
Cause 6:
Cause number six happened over a number of years when I turned to dieting to make myself more attractive and control my ābloatā. I even went as far as having some minor surgery - a form of lipo, to remove the fat from my stomach and hips. It was a traumatic process, both painful and distressing, with a long, long recovery time. I put myself through so much pain and paid a LOT of money just to be my idea of ābeautifulā. And did the results last? Of course not! Maybe for about 6 months and then the binge eating cycle kicked in again. From then on I entertained a number of dieting mechanisms: I used My Fitness Pal to calorie count, went on the Dukan Diet once (which ended up giving me terrible stomach acid and I spent the night in hospital), had 2 rounds of CBT in between after telling the Dr I was struggling with my feelings, went on My Fitness Pal again, tried another online diet, upped my exercise in all kinds of ways and then went on a diet plan with a trained fitness instructor and coach, which meant that by Summer 2015 I was a very small size 8 and through food combining I had āfixedā my bloating. Oh and was I happy with myself? No. Of course not!! And was the bloating āgoneā? NOā¦.it returned and my mood changed instantly whenever it happened. I woke up anxious every morning wondering if it would be a good bloat day or a bad one. Could I see how bony I looked? No. Was I relaxed and enjoying life? No. Was I present in the moment? No. There is one silver lining though. What I havenāt told you is that I met the love of my life in that time too - heās now my fiance and the centre of my universe. I met him when I was 25, through a friend I went to uni with. Having an ED isnāt something you just come out with and in all honesty, I didn't want to admit that I had one then. Food scared the life out of me, but I didnāt show that to anyone. After the first few dates I knew I liked this guy - he was funny and full of life and he made me feel desperate to be part of that. He was the sort of person I wanted to just hang out with. So things progressed and we got together. One morning, after I had stayed at over, I was feeling hungry, like any normal human, but his suggestion for breakfast wasā¦.wait for itā¦..nachos with cheese. Now, my face looked calm and my response was āsureā but on the inside I was having a melt down and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! I was petrified. I knew that I was going to eat some of the nachos and rather than thinking, āthatās OK Iāll just have a few and then say Iām fullā I knew that I would have one or two and then the binge eating monster would take, revelling in the taste of a forbidden food. The thing Iāve learnt about forbidden food is that it makes you obsess over it and then when given half a chance to eat it, itās almost like permission to stuff your face silly. Hunger doesnāt even come into it. I knew that Iād go into āf*** itā mode and eat mindlessly, feeling guilt with every bite. I knew my stomach would bloat after that and Iād then have to do extra gym sessions to pay for the calories. Crazy right? And was he any the wiser? Of course not! I was an expert at hiding it. But, after a year together, it was hard to hide certain things and he began to notice, for example, how excruciatingly long it would take me to choose from a restaurant menu (Iāll go into detail about that in another post). He witnessed my confidence dwindling as I began to put on weight. He watched as I undertook a variety of diets and how much I panicked and cried when we travelled around Europe. For every meal I had to find something I could eat that would fit in with my diet plan and not bloat me out. He loved me and just wanted me to be happy and he felt helpless in being able to do that. But, he stuck by me and told me there was more to me than my ED. I didn't believe him though - it took a lot longer for me to see that. Anyway, Iāll talk more about my relationship in another post.
Back to cause number 6 - you could say it was a combination of a series of diets, losing weight, gaining weight, stress at work (which I havenāt mentioned before but is another one I will come to in a different post) and feeling like this amazing guy who I had fallen in love with would leave me if I wasnāt what I thought to be perfect in every way ( essentially a certain weight, shape and size). Oh how wrong I was. He stuck by me, loved me with all his heart and proposed in Paris a year and a half ago. Of course I said yes. I still had ED issues, as I hadnāt really addressed them but I pushed them to the back of my mind and told myself to snap out of it. It was shortly after that we made the decision to move and teach abroad as he had always wanted to travel and I wasn't happy in my job in the UK anymore.Ā
The final straw:
So off we went to Singapore, relocating our entire life. Wow, what a whirlwind of change that was which naturally brought with it a whole bunch of stress. Needless to say my ED came out in full force and I constantly mirror checked, cried about how much weight I was putting on, attempted to diet again in so many ways, binged again, over exercised and cried some more. It was when we had just returned from our trip to a beautiful island in Malaysia when I decided Iād had enough of dreading going on holiday because of wearing a bikini and not being able to go to the gym or control what I was eating. What was the point in living this amazing lifestyle where I could travel to Bali, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam - the dream life - if I feared it? I wasnāt present. I was stuck in my own head and this ferocious storm cloud followed my every move, ready to attack when I was vulnerable. Oh and it attacked. Not only did it attack but knocked me off my feet, spun me round and spat me back out, with my fiance left to pick up the pieces. I decided to put an end to it all once and for good and, having already read Mel Wellās book The Goddess Revolution, I knew I needed to make changes. It just so happened that an email came through that day with a last chance offer to sign up to Melās Goddess Academy which aimed to heal your relationship with yourself and with food. We had been discussing counselling, CBT and all sorts of things to help me but I felt apprehensive in a brand new country. When this came through we both knew I didnāt have anything to lose. And it was the best thing I have ever done. The Goddess Academy has turned my life around, bringing me to the point I am at today. I worked through a series of tutorials, tasks and practices, with support from an amazing network of females on the same journey. Since graduating from The Academy Iāve never been more present and happy in myself and in my life. I now accept my body, love my body, nourish my body, forgive my body, listen to my body and protect my body. I understand my ED and know how to deal with it. I have strategies to cope with my triggers and I donāt need to binge anymore. I despise diets and know that there is no such thing as a ādiet that really worksā. They are NOT sustainable! I am now able to appreciate my incredible life and feel grateful for my friends and family. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I appreciate the little things in life, finding joy in them instead of feeling sad that I donāt look a certain way. Donāt get me wrong, I still have a number of triggers and sometimes old thoughts, feelings and habits creep back in, but they are few and far between now. I am armed with shield and sword to fight them off! So, now I have decided to share this journey with the world because I want to help others find a pathway to freedom from EDs and self loathing. I also really enjoy journaling and writing - it lights me up so that I feel āfullā on life and not food. So here I am, This is my story. This the start of another journey to a happier, brighter and upgraded version of me. Enjoy.
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A fat girlās story
I remember always being the "Healthy" child of my class. When I look back at the photos from my school days, I can see the obvious difference in my height & width and that of the other girls of my class. For quite some time, my fat didnāt worry my mom and she supported me & taught me to say "tere baap ke paison ka nahi khati hoo" to all those who teased me in the school. But soon enough mom had to withdraw her support, because this girl had eaten too much from her baap ka paisa!
Things got so bad that when I was in 12th Std, I got a warning from my dad. Now those who know my dad will understand the gravity of the situation for him to say anything. Anyways, the warning was- either lose weight or forget wearing jeans. Now considering the fact that I wasn't fitting in those jeans anyways- the latter was obviously easier. Basically the whole thing was yet another failed attempt from my parents to make me lose weight.
When I went to hostel, my parents got hopeful that at least now they would see a thinner me. But to their disappointment I remained the same. It just didn't matter how bad the hostel food was or how many times I fell sick, my loyal fat didn't leave me. Then something happened that motivated me enough to fight all these yearsā ka fat and loose straight 14kgs.
I bought these cute pair of capri pants from fashion-street. The shopkeeper said they were free size pants & would definitely fit me. However, all I could fit were 3/4th of my legs in those 3/4th pants; I just could not pull them any higher. As if that was not enough, my roommate wore them in front of me, over her clothes & they were so loose for her that they just dropped down!!! I don't know what hurt me more- that I just could not wear those pants & had to exchange them for a boring loose shirt next day or that they were dropping off my roommate's waist. Whatever it was, it triggered my first major fight against fat. I hardly ate, walked miles, exercised; most of all I cut down on my lifeline- chocolates.
And it paid off, I was no longer fat, golu- molu, motu but rather what the world calls as slim. I was wearing Size M rather than L or XL. I looked good & I felt good. I felt a lot more confident about myself & experimental about my clothes.
And then came relationship, break off, heartbreak & soon enough weight. Yes, it was back. After all, you cannot survive on 1 meal a day for your whole life. The heartbreak was bad & what better solace than food.
This time the old tricks did not work, the walking & exercise were there but somehow they did not help. Why, I even joined a scientific weight-loss program where they applied various packs & gadgets to my body and monitored every morsel I ate. But all I lost was 1kg & Rs.15k in 2months.
We know the world is a mean place to live in- but it is meaner for the fat people. There were heart stabbing jibes like- "itās ok eat, in the ocean of weight that you are, few drops won't matter" "don't you think the car is tilted on your side" āif you move anymore, meri Innova Ā palat jayegiā. I got a nick name- Moti. Oh how I hate that word!! "Aye moti- kya kar rahi hai", "oye moti sun", "moti kya kha rahi hai".
With every jibe I got more desperate to lose weight & with every failed attempt I got more depressed and consoled myself with yet another chocolate. I remember after one such jibe in office, I had tears in my eyes. I looked at my friend & said- "I'm trying to lose weight, I really am- but it's not happening. I don't know what to do".
Then came Guru maiya- Bipasha Basu to my rescue. My friend suggested her exercise DVDs. They were excellent- could be done at home, took half an hour & soon enough gave results. The moon waned again. The sarcasms got replaced by compliments. I felt good again. But as Ramdhari Singh Dinkar has said in his poem- Krishna ki chetavani- "Soubhagya na sub din sohta hai, dekhein aage kya hota hai"ā¦ time changed again.
This time it was job. Nothing was going right; my salary & boss were competing at being more painful than the other, there was no job satisfaction & to top it all the performance reviews only shattered my confidence further. You can't control your job, your boss, or the fact that you are not getting a new job, but you can control what you eat. Glorious food was back to my rescue and so was my weight.
Now here is a thing about being fat- we put on weight, we don't lose our eye sight. We can see that we are fat, flabby, heavy, layered. The old clothes donāt fit & buying new ones is yet another challenge with the shop attendant asking you madam XL dikhaun ya XXL? We are constantly adjusting our t-shirt or kurta to hide that flab. We struggle every day to step out of bed, dress up & face the world in our ugly size. We really don't need your "tu bohot moti ho gayi hai" reminders, we really donāt!
And you know what, I'm right now the heaviest I've ever being in my life, but I also have realized that my weight has been bothering the world more than me. I recently saw my pics which were taken almost 10 years back. I guess that was the thinnest Iāve ever been- yet I remember not being really happy with myself. I remember finding myself fat, my thighs thunderous, my tummy bulging. When I was doing Guru maiya workouts I found myself more of muscular rather than thin n delicate as girls are supposed to be.
Iāve realized that Iāve never had the āPerfect Bodyā. That this perfect body has got more to do with what the world thinks about me and if I meet the standards set for perfect height, weight, boobs, butts, waist, thighs etc. And am so done with that! Done with all the sarcastic jibes, chasing the perfect size, being constantly unhappy with how I look, being envious of all the thin girls and most of all am done with feeling ugly all the time.
So here on, Iāll eat what I want, be it mangoes, ice creams, paneer kofta with garlic naan, coconut chuttney with hot crispy medu-vada. Iām no longer going to fret about the calories but going to enjoy the food I eat. Iāll exercise, not to lose weight but to stay healthy, to stay fit. Iāll challenge myself with different workouts only to know to my strength and not to fit in those skinny jeans. I donāt care if I get muscular and my biceps are more than Sunny Paji (yes have heard that as well!) Iām going to love myself for being what Iām- The Fat Girl!! Ā Ā Ā
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