#and also the theme changes every single week dude that shit was crazy

[xianyoon]

i miss 2021 genshinblr sm im ngl 😞😞😞

[myinnerroomie]

              Today I want to write for pleasure instead of business. I want my mind to be productive, but I am sick of work.  I am sick of all the grad school papers and the stress of getting everything in on time, the stress of applying for this test, and studying for that test. The stress of pretending I care about the Air Force. And for what?  I feel as if I am not doing something to better myself, then I am failing.  In all aspects of life. And for what? What am I trying to accomplish?  What do I want out of life?  The answer is everything.  More than I’m getting.  So I fill the void with military and homework and physical activities.  All of which are healthy right?  What’s the problem?  I can do more.  I am so capable.  I see that. I know that I’m not meant for this.   However, I signed up for it, right?  I’ll finish what I signed up for and move on and appreciate what I learned.  In the meantime, I feel it necessary to point out that I may be jobless in 2 months, maybe not.  The stress of never knowing what is going to happen is real.  And I’m sick of it.  However, it pays the bills (quite nicely), I’m staying in a condo by the beach (where I’m sitting on the balcony typing), and it’s frankly beautiful weather and I’ll go for a run later. It’s really my fault that I haven’t found a job yet.  I should never have relied on reserve like this anyway.  I have no fear that I’ll figure something out when the time comes.  Actually, life is way better than it really has ever been.  

I’m so free (aside from the military which ironically is the thing that saved me). Oooh.  Let’s get into my early adulthood.  That should be fun.  So, embarrassingly enough, until this past year, I have always had a boyfriend.  We can get into my childhood later, but it probably stemmed from somewhere back then.  I have never thought much of myself.  Figured I’d go to community college like everybody else, then I went to a university like everybody else.  Majored in a stupid (fun) degree.  No real regrets about that though.  My self-worth was based on if people liked me, if I felt I looked good.  I do regret a lot of the actions of that sad, desperate girl.  Nobody understood, and I was good at faking it.  I did things that I have never admitted to anybody.  I literally could have been diagnosed with the same disorders as the other kids in the behavioral hospital where I worked.  Only mine weren’t for attention and I was deeply ashamed, so nobody knew.  I educated myself on the consequences of what would happen if I continued on that path, and slowly but surely, I got better.  And sadly, I can’t even celebrate that with anyone.  Shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, pain – what I used to always feel.  Pride and confusion with all this freedom I have is what I feel now.

I used to think emotions were embarrassing.  I knew I hurt all the time, but I was never taught how to deal with it, so I would isolate myself and feel stupid.  Actually, that’s what I was taught.  Everybody has issues, and I’m not special. Get over it.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why can’t I get over it?  Why am I so miserable?  Why am I even alive?  Everybody dies anyway.  Oh, I know how I can deal with this: weed.  Ahh, there so much better.  Now all I’m thinking about is how I can’t remember what I’m thinking about. Yeah, I should probably go to class now.  Wonder if they’ll know I’m stoned. (turns out that they did).  But I was really enjoying class then. Very intrigued with Maslow’s hierarchy of need.  Hmm self-actualization.  Will I ever know my purpose and get to the point in life where I can fulfill that need??? Nah bro I’m starving…  You think everybody is staring at me eating these chips? -- Anyway, this is only the middle of the story.  I’m not even going to go back to my first boyfriend.  Let’s skip to the second one that cheated on me after 2 years.  Looking back now, he’s gross and bigoted. He was mean to me.  He lied to me.  He cheated.  Everything was an ordeal.  I just constantly lowered myself and made myself small for him.  He, of course, never reciprocated.  I wasn’t worth it.  Because I never showed any self-worth.  One good decision I made was to further my education and move to Hattiesburg for school which he actually made fun of me for doing. Anyway, I remember one time he had just come from the boat or whatever he was doing for work and invited his friend to our apartment.  I went to sit on his lap and he pushed me off and laughed.  I just went to my room and cried while he spent the night with his friend. That’s not me.  I hate I did that.  I hate that’s their memory of me.  Oh well.  I know they still talk shit about me back home.  That’s fine and that’s their problem.

Another reoccurring theme with boyfriends is my lack of any other friends and/or support. This takes me to my second boyfriend. I had been single for less than a year, and I met him.  It was so much nicer at first.  I felt like he cared about me.  He was so sweet.  Finally, everything was reciprocated to me, and I was happy.  I was happy to make him happy.  Again, with my screwed up priorities, man.  But I had grown up a little.  I just had this baseless fear that I would be alone forever.  But, I’m not necessarily the victim.  I did have this notion that I should be taken care of. I never expected to pay.  I expected some sort of money and to pay to go out and about.  That didn’t happen with this guy.  This honestly helped me become independent.  However, over time, he became more and more controlling. He threw me down and hit me in a NOLA hotel and the police were called.  He tore up my purse and a jacket. I remember feeling so much stress because he said he was going to leave me there, and I didn’t know how to get home.  Nor did I want to tell anybody why I was in that predicament anyway.  I thought it was all my fault and apologized and he stayed. How lucky am I? To stay with a guy that hits me and breaks my belongings (He also broke my tent.  If I ever went anywhere, he would be calling and obsessed. I couldn’t enjoy anything because I knew there would always be repercussions for having fun.   I literally broke out in hives at my friend’s house in Jackson one time because I told him no I wouldn’t come back to his place that night and it gave me so much grief.  He said he was going to break up with me if I did not drive back.  But I sure enough stayed my ass up there though. It was still embarrassing.  He threw a boot at me once because I was mad and didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him.  When I told him that hurt and showed him the bruise, he blamed me for acting that way. A few times, I tried to leave to go home, and he would grab me and not let me go.  I would be like if you don’t get your hands off me, I have every right to defend myself.  So I would straight up try to fist fight him to let go of me. He would laugh. Sounds healthy right?  Oh yeah, one time I did not do what he wanted and he threatened to get rid of my cat and locked all the doors to the house so I could not get to MY fucking cat.  So I waited until he got home and he just acted like he didn’t care at all about the strife he caused.  I think I may have even stayed that night at his house.  I hated him but I didn’t know what else to do.              

In the middle of all of this, I joined the military.  So yeah he came to visit me in Texas for graduation then said this was his vacation and that he was going to do what he wanted.  I’m like dude no.  I’ve been locked up for weeks.  It’s my vacation.  Another argument, more crying.  You’re a bitch if you stand up for yourself.  Okay months go on, we break up in tech school.  But I know he has my cat.  I also know he has a place to live.  Again, my fault.  I’m using him cause I don’t really know what else to do.  So I live at his house.  Then move to out of town.  He threatens to leave me again and tells me I’m shitty for moving away.  I move back to his place.  Back and forth, but he just stays and does whatever the fuck he wants with no consideration for me.  Eventually, I just started to dislike him.  I can take care of myself.  I got another place with a room mate.  His presence annoyed me.  I thought he was ugly.  I think that was mutual, and I was like dude:  Let’s end it. It’s miserable.  He agreed.  Easiest break-up ever.  Now did I do dumb things, and normal post-breakup things? Absolutely. Did I still text him a couple times afterwards? Yeahhh.  Also,  I made out with a 20 year old army kid at a bar. And I also slept with a married man.  That was a whole thing.  But most of last year, I have just grown.

I have nobody grabbing my arm now.  If I want to pack up and go hiking somewhere across the country, I’ll buy a plane ticket and go. If I want to hang out with friends, its fun again.  I do not rely on anybody for my self-worth.  2020 was extremely rough for me. I lost my house and all my belongings.  My car flooded in a hurricane (and of course I only had liability insurance).  It has all worked out anyway.  I didn’t even need any of that stuff.  Honestly, I never had the worst life.  That wasn’t the goal of this. You know, to complain.  It’s just that everything has gotten better. Losing everything helps put your life into perspective.  I’m so much more appreciative now.  I look at what I have accomplished and where I came from.  I used to think that everybody was more important than me, and that I needed them to like me and see me as worthy to be around.  Well, that has changed completely.  I don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like me.  That doesn’t make me less of a valuable person.  Everybody is not better than me and I have just as much a chance of being successful as everybody else.  I’m not a “bitch”.  Maybe some folks find me “annoying”, but you’re crazy if you think I will ever make myself small to fit inside anybody’s box that doesn’t like me.  I don’t “deserve it” to be living a miserable life. Life is hard.  Life is beautiful. It’s all about learning, and that’s what I have done. I win.  I’m free.  I can do anything.  While I do regret some of my past, all this has given me the drive to me who I am today and who I will be tomorrow.  Still gotta figure that one out.

[silenthillmutual]

pride week - day 5 - AU free-for-all so this AU is a crossover because when i first looked at the prompt i was like half-asleep and thought it said crossover. whoops.

--

He’s coming to the conclusion that Kiyotaka’s family is just fucking weird. He’s still not exactly sure what their relationship status is, since they’ve only been on like two and a half dates that might have not even been dates and nothing between them seems to have actually changed - but even speaking as a best friend, it was just really fucking bizarre

The other sections of the bake sale that did not have an entire bottle’s worth of food coloring dumped into the mix did exceedingly well, letting them schedule trips to meet up and hang out with the GSAs from other colelges in the area. It was a neat little idea Makoto and Kiyotaka had come up with on their own time that also kinda made Mondo want to punch himself in the face. 

It mostly just starts with this: he thinks he has competition.

The reason he thinks this is because Leon tells him he does. They’re meeting with MU in a bowling alley that’s somewhere in between both schools and while it’s not the only GSA in the area, it is the only one available or interested in reaching out to them. And the gaggle of students who pick to play against them in a four-on-four match just happens to consist of three rough looking boys and one chick.

Striek one. It’s not exactly a secret that Taka has a type, and that type is punks. (Well, and Makoto; but he’s everybody’s type, so he doesn’t count.) He’s never said out loud that he finds that kinda thing appealing, but Hifumi’s Halloween Theme suggestion, “Book of Eibon” (which earned him the group name moniker Anime Trash) really took. People dressed as whatever they found most attractive - or in Hifumi’s and Chihiro’s cases, the kind of aesthetic they really dug.

Hifumi’s magical girl outfit was absolutely outstanding. They really did have to give him that.

...where was he? Right. Taka had shown up to the party in all secondhand clothes, studded belt and motorcycle boots and fake piercings, pleather jacket over an embroidered white vest covered in safety pins. It sure as shit left an impression.

And it was such a goddamn come-on. he’d thought before then that Taka’s staring was judgmental and had a hard time stringing two words together at the implication that he was staring because he was attracted to Mondo.

Not that Mondo was the only punk in the group. Tanaka flushed and tried to hide beneath his scarf, realizing too late he didn’t have it included in the regal get-up he came dressed in. And Leon said to Mondo, “If I wasn’t straight, I’d so hit that.”

Leon figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t straight, and also that Taka was way off limits. 

Mondo’s been trying to figure out how to take a more direct approach, since Taka’s misconstrued all his flirting as friendliness. Which - okay, yeah. He’s kind of learned along the way that he might also be in love with the guy platonically, too. he is the best friend, in terms of quality, that Mondo’s ever had, and he doesn’t plan on that shit changing just ‘cause he wants to add hand-holding into the mix. 

So strike two is this: Ishimaru seems to actually know the guy in too much purple who practically launches himself at him. They embrace in a tight hug, and that smug asshole has his hairstyle too. Rude. Utterly, unbelievably rude. 

The guy introduces himself as Josuke. He looks like he might be a couple years older than them, with pretty blue eyes. He’s the president of the MU GSA, which he does not hesitate to tell Kiyotaka, “I love what you did with the name, dude. Very kewl.”

Kewl. Like he’s fucking twelve and it’s the nineties.

Taka blushes like he does when he’s embarrassed or flattered and it takes a lot for Mondo not to slug the guy. He’s really only distracted from Kiyotaka’s refusal of the credit by the guy with the little ponytail and two-toned grey hair saying to him “Hey, man, nice mods,” referring to his jacket.

He’s kind of forgotten about it. He doesn’t wear the longer coat he had in high school anymore because yeah, he’s not in high school anymore, thank you very much Daiya. “Uh, thanks,” he says, but the shorter one with the kinda silvery blonde hair is smirking at it, mouthing the words Crazy Diamonds under his breath. Like it’s some kind of joke.

“I’m Okuyasu,” he says, and nudges the blonde so hard the guy almost falls over. “Shit, sorry - this is Koichi.” 

“Right,” he says, not liking the look of private joking between the two of them. “I’m Mondo.”

“I’m Leon,” Leon all but shouts, almost crawling on Mondo’s back to extend his hand to the two boys and - of course, of fucking course - the girl with the knee-length black hair. “And you are?”

“Yukako,” she says, and Mondo’s never before heard someone say their own name with such deep and intense hatred. 

There’s not a single thing about these people he trusts. The guys might seem nice, but he’s always hated the feeling that people are laughing at him. And that girl? She looks like she’s ready to commit murder. 

At least the jackass in the purple-and-yellow shirt is done taking up Kiyotaka’s time, only that Kiyotaka looks kind of embarrassed now. He’s not sure if that’s better or worse than his flustered face. But he punches in their names on the board to distract himself, and Josuke comes up to Mondo and sits so close their knees are touching. “So,” he says, “You’re his kyoudai, huh?”

“Kyoudai?” Okuyasu says. “Man, how come we can’t get cool nicknames like that?”

“Yes, please start calling each other bro. That won’t get irritating at all,” Yukako snipes from where she’s sitting. 

“Yukako, come on,” Koichi says, turning to look back at her. “You promised you’d be nice today.”

She looks torn, but sighs, and Mondo thinks he hears her mutter “Only for you.” 

“Dude,” Leon says, “You gotta teach me.” 

--

One thing Mondo can say about the kids from MU is that, except for Yukako, they suck at bowling. And that does make him feel a little better, if only in a shallow way. 

It’s kind of irritating, and that irritation must be obvious to everyone involved, because Kiyotaka has tried his best to keep Mondo and Josuke separated. Leon’s pretty chill, and Makoto can make friends with everyone, but it just seems strange to Mondo that he spent so long trying to get on friendly terms with Taka only for some other guy - a complete stranger from a different school to just undermine that -

Makoto pats his shoulder, like the way you’d pet a dog to soothe it. “Calm down, Mondo,” he says. “He’s just being friendly.”

Maybe he is. Mondo can accept that there exists, somewhere, a possibility that Josuke is just a nice guy, like a punk version of Makoto, but he’s gotten so deep in his own sense of insecurity and paranoia that every time Josuke so much as talks at him or is friendly with Kiyotaka...

Well, it feels like he’s being mocked.

He might be a little jealous.

And when Taka leaves to head out to the bathroom, he might call Josuke’s hair stupid. 

Koichi, for whatever that’s worth, and Okuyasu and he goddamn swear Yukako’s hair all jump in to restrain Josuke from throwing punches. Leon slaps his arm at the same time Makoto smacks his head, both of them shouting some variant of “You have the same hair!” and the end result is the five of them tell the two of them to go resolve their differences by the snack bar, and work something out fast before Taka comes back and panics. 

“I don’t get what your issue with me is,” Josuke says, hands in the air. “We picked this group to go up against because Taka said you were cool. Now you’re just acting like Rohan used to, and I didn’t even burn your house down!”

Confusion mixes with anger as he says, with feeling, “What?!”

“Never mind!” Josuke snaps. “Just - whatever your problem with me is, just say it, man. Quit giving me dirty looks. It’s making Kiyo upset.”

KIYO?! Mondo hits the counter with a little too much force and says “That’s my goddamn problem!” And before Josuke can give him some other ridiculous pet name he says “We’re like - we’re - we’re kind of - !” Jesus. Jesus Christ, why can’t he just get the fuckin’ words out? “I’m inta him!”

“Yeah, and?” Josuke asks.

“And you’re fuckin’ flirting with him! Of course I got a damn issue with you!” Josuke looks blindsided for a couple seconds, and then he bursts into laughter. “And then you go an’ do this shit, shovin’ it in my face!”

“Dude!” Josuke has the audacity to put his hand on Mondo’s shoulder, ignoring every time Mondo tries to throw it off. For someone as thin as Josuke looks, he’s unfairly strong. “Dude. I am not flirting with him. That’s so gross.” 

Two-faced bastard! “You got a fuckin’ problem with my friend?!” 

“Dude. He’s my cousin.”

“Yer - what?” Mondo blinks, all his pent up energy dissipating in the shock. “Then - then what the fuck were you sayin’ ta him to make ‘im blush?”

“I’m teasing him about you, ya dweeb.” He snorts. “God. No. I’m not flirting with my fuckin’ cousin. And even if we weren’t related, I’m not gonna hit on some guy in front of my boyfriends.”

“Oh.” He’s...totally deflated now. And feels like an asshole. “Uh...” Great. “I’m sorry fer bein’ such an asshole,” he grumbles.

Josuke lets it slide rather easily, shrugging it off. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had worse interactions.” 

Mondo still rubs the back of his head, anxiously, and he’s still not all that comfortable with Josuke’s smirk. “Gotta say,” he admits, “I never woulda thought the two of you were related. Ya don’t exactly look alike.” 

Josuke shoves his hands in his pockets and leans back against the counter. “Well, it’s not by blood or anything. His dad married my ne- uh, I mean, my uncle -” Was he just going to say nephew? “But we take family very seriously, and we’re...kind of a large family.” 

For a second, he looks almost depressed by his own statement, eyes kind of foggy, lips pulled down and staring at his boyfriends with some kind of intense anxiety. He sighs, and slaps Mondo on the back. “Let’s just get back to the game, ‘kay? I think Taka’ll be happier when we get along.” 

He feels like he missed something, but says “Sure, okay,” following Josuke back to their seats. 

Whatever it is that’s on his mind, it’s either passed or he’s hidden it by the time they’ve reached their friends. Josuke reacts to Kiyotaka’s suspicious glare by ruffling his hair. “So, Kiyo -”

“Don’t call me that,” he groans. 

And Josuke ignores him. “A former delinquent with a bad temper, huh? I bet your stepdad’s gonna love that.” 

Kiyotaka lets out a scream, and drops the bowling ball to the floor. Mondo tries to pretend he doesn’t see something faintly pink and blue grabbing it just before it hits the ground.

[danielxrk]

                              EMPTY ENIGMA ; THE PLAYLIST ( youtube ) ( spotify )

1. ╬═  uncontainable - set it off 2. ╬═  rockstar - daddy rock (cover) 3. ╬═  bad kids - lady gaga 4. ╬═  sophomore slump or comeback of the year - fall out boy 5. ╬═  float on - modest mouse 6. ╬═  do it now remember it later - sleeping with sirens 7. ╬═  restless - too close to touch 8. ╬═  last ones left - blessthefall 9. ╬═  have faith in me - a day to remember 10. ╬═  player haters’ ball - palisades 11. ╬═  watch out - memphis may fire 12. ╬═  against the waves - blessthefall 13. ╬═  petty trappin - slaves 14. ╬═  broken - lovelytheband 15. ╬═  champion - fall out boy 16. ╬═  down for the ride - slaves 17. ╬═  this is the house that doubt built - a day to remember 18. ╬═  dream on - blessthefall (cover) 19. ╬═  immortal - palisades

1. uncontainable  ⊰ we’re taking our crown, we’re taking it now ⊱

coming out the gate, we’re swinging. empty enigma together is an unstoppable force, or at least they feel like they are-- destined for amazing things and soaring to great heights. especially on stage, they don’t back down for anything, but it applies to their true selves, too. for a bonus, daniel and woojin box, so the metaphors 👍

2. rockstar  ⊰ dude your girlfriend is a groupie she just tryna get in, saying “i’m with the band” ⊱

squall, alpha, brand, cameo and reign are wild; there has to be at least one song dedicated to it. don’t give them too much credit and think this isn’t relevant beyond the title.

3. bad kids  ⊰ i’m not that cool and you hate me, i’m a bad kid that’s the way they made me  ⊱

everyone came to empty enigma for different reasons, but all of them have at least a little rebellious bone in their body to be part of a metalcore band. there’s some defying authority, a lot of defying expectations, and a little disappointing people in their lives that don’t think the band is an honorable pursuit, at the very least. empty engima doesn’t care. all of that aside, they came together to support each other under all circumstances. you’re still good to me if you’re a bad kid, baby. 

4. sophomore slump or comeback of the year  ⊰ i’ll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it  ⊱

empty enigma is a mystery, but also a lie, based upon stage personas all of the members hide behind, giving them the power to be whoever they want to be-- different than they really are. there’s more to the song than that, though: a dedication to empty enigma’s fans, and their devotion to each other, getting through hard times, and enjoying every moment. it’s just a matter of time until we’re all found out, and they were, but at least it was on their own terms.

5. float on  ⊰ don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy, we'll all float on  ⊱

together, they get through everything, taking everything one day at a time, and it’s all okay as long as there’s empty enigma. [sobs into my hands]

6. do it now remember it later  ⊰ remember when they said what we want can never be done? ⊱

empty enigma has had a lot of doubters, whether it’s random people or those close to the members, but in the end, they do what they want to, and the band empowers them to say so. come on say what you think, it won't mean a thing, in the end we're gonna be just fine.

7. restless  ⊰ do whatever makes us lose control, just for a night  ⊱

they all have their own troubles, but the band is an escape from that, even if it’s just for a show every weekend.

8. last ones left  ⊰ if we’re going down, we all go down together, and that’s the way it is ⊱

somehow this song ended up on this playlist when i made it the first week of the mgas, but it has new meaning following the developments of the mgas. kenta and woojin receiving contracts, everyone wanting to hang onto the band, even to the point of wishing they wouldn’t accept their contracts. the chorus reflects their original feelings, but now it’s clear they won’t stay like this forever, but they’ll still supporting each other regardless. 

9. have faith in me  ⊰ you’ll always find me right there, again ⊱

a song about how they’ll always be there for each other no matter what, even when all else fails basically, haha!

10. player haters’ ball  ⊰ wolves don’t lose sleep on the thoughts of sheep ⊱

here we have a lovely hardcore screamo song that marks the beginning of the part of this playlist dedicated to their haters, which was relevant enough before due to people hating on metalcore in general and people in their lives trying to tell them what to do. after the mgas, the relevancy increased by 200%, since daniel and kenta especially endured some hate comments and lowkey care a lot about what people think of them; empty enigma gives them strength and makes them care a whole lot less about anonymous people tearing them down. the only truth is that you’re still unknown, and empty enigma isn’t anymore.

11. watch out  ⊰ we came to change the game so get out the way ⊱

this is another self-hype song and a lil bit to haters too, and their intention to be successful and their belief that they already are just doing what they’re doing. this is another one that applies more mgas considered, because this is relevant to when they first set foot on the show. (fun fact: this was a contender for between fear and faith’s title track.)

12. against the waves  ⊰ but if it’s all the same, they’ll find the worst in you ⊱

pt 3 of songs to their haters, and a vow to stay strong in the face of them and any adversity, and the chorus applies to them wanting the band to be a source of support for people going through the same. i wonder why that “nothing can last forever” line is there haha how is that relevant haha

13. petty trappin ⊰ you say i’m everything you despise, everything you don’t like ⊱

this is the final and most relevant song dedicated to haters, all a highly applicable message to anyone that talked shit during the mgas, supercharged with some unshakable empty enigma confidence. every person that hates them is a person that can’t stop paying attention to them, after all. also a song in my potential ee follow up album playlist because they truly could’ve written this song.

14. broken ⊰ i like that you’re lonely, lonely like me, i could be lonely with you ⊱

all of the members were a little broken, and maybe they still are, but at least they’re broken (and maybe a little lonely) together where they didn’t quite fit in anywhere else. daniel also met most of them late night at a party, so that’s a bonus. (extra bonus: this is the first song i ever associated with ee; i think it was back in october 2018 or something and that think i could love you but i’m not sure line always made me think of nielwoon, perhaps i’m a psychic.)

15. champion ⊰ i’m a champion of the people who don’t believe in champions ⊱

one of the last songs added to the playlist, this is dedicated to their dreams and touches back on that constant theme of being some kind of outcast and underdog. it also highly applies to the mgas (if i can live through this, i can do anything) but this playlist was still finished by episode two of the show, so that i’m calling you from the future to let you know we made a mistake line was foreshadowing?? ee mgas was a mistake. maybe

16. down for the ride ⊰ taking over, feeling at home with you ⊱

empty enigma is home, as a band or just the friends that make it up. they leaned a lot from each other, and the band was a crazy ride-- one they’re still on together and might be too attached to. (moving forward, learn to let go.)

17. this is the house that doubt built  ⊰ we’ll sing like everyone when they’re alone ⊱

a mix of several moods on the playlist: empty enigma as an escape, strength and something that makes them feel fearless, and teamwork on top of that. it’s also a bit of a reference to their secret identities, why they used them, and what they’ve learned from them. (when you find yourself please let me know.)

18. dream on  ⊰ sing with me, just for today; maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away ⊱

the original intent of this song in the playlist was because this was probably a cover on the band’s early setlists, and you know, the whole concept applies to people going after their dreams together and performing to cope with everything, but post disbandment(?) this hits different. don’t make me explain it and just listen to it. thank you.

19. immortal  ⊰ i’m not dying, no i’m not dying today ⊱

this is the band’s lead single on their first album. please proceed to between fear and faith.

[hellyeahomeland]

Me again with more Carrie and Saul. can you elaborate on how it’s different between them? You say it’s evolved but I don’t see how. Things have happened to Carrie especially, but I don’t really see how their relationship has changed at its core. Maybe Saul treats her more like an adult but even that’s debatable imo. I don’t mean to be argumentative for argument’s sake but... (continued...)

Cont… can you give concrete examples of how the development has played out on screen so I can understand it & hopefully S8 better. Specific scenes and what how they weren’t just individual scenes but changed the relationship going forward. Much appreciated! Oh and one more thing re: Saul and Carrie, sorry I forgot. Can you also venture a guess what it means in practice? What do you think will happen between them that will feel like closure or catharsis or something that’s expected of a show’s final season and perhaps finale as well?

Note #1: this became a lot longer than I expected (sorry, you asked!). Beyond what I’ve written, I challenge you to go back and watch these individual scenes. I’ve chosen ones from each season to illustrate the full arc of their relationship. Observe the differences in Claire and Mandy’s body language, in their facial expressions, in their discomfort, in the shared trauma of what’s come before. It’s deliberate writing and deliberate acting. Shorter version of this post is here, from April 2018.

Note #2: I chose almost exclusively scenes of conflict to represent the evolution of their relationship because I believe that conflict drives change. 

PROLOGUE:

To understand the Carrie and Saul relationship, we’ve got to understand what their relationship was before we met them. From what we know, Saul recruited Carrie, straight out of college. He saw in her something special and unique, something that didn’t come around every other day. She was gifted but she was also alone. She had no partner. She was socially isolated from her family and from the world (he didn’t yet know of her mental illness). This was an advantage of sorts. It meant she could give herself more and more to the work, same as he did. Remember this is his Achilles’ heel: whenever they call, he picks up. He doesn’t know how not to. It destroyed his marriage. But he molds her in his image. He teaches her, he raises her, the way a father would his daughter. He brings her up. Their relationship melds the boundaries of teacher/student, boss/employee, mentor/mentee, and father/daughter. It’s personal, and it’s deeply intimate. 

This is what we are given before the pilot and it’s what we’ve grappled with for nearly eight years: his attempts to harness her gifts–often to her detriment–and her simultaneous resentment of him for it and unwavering yearning for his approval. 

Key Scenes in the Carrie and Saul Canon:

#1: “What happened to the Saul Berenson that trekked the Karakoram?”: Much of the season one conflict between Carrie and Saul comes from her three thousand miles an hour suspicion of Brody and him being like “whoa slow down pls.” He is the first person she tells of these suspicions and he essentially shoots her down, causing her to go rogue. It’s here where the lines become blurred between boss/protege and father/daughter, because the way in which he chastises and punishes her feels awfully familial. 

So when Carrie finally reaches a breaking point in “Blind Spot” (the original Carrie Mathison Appreciation Episode), we feel that as though a family is breaking up. It doesn’t matter that she comes crawling back to him, just an episode later, remorseful. 

Carrie underlines just how much Saul has changed: in her words, from the man who “did three months in a Malaysian prison” (HELLO???? repeat: he raised her in his image) to a pussy. We understand that Carrie and Saul are both outsiders in the CIA. We understand that Saul is still grappling with his former employee David Estes bring promoted over him. While Carrie truly seems to not give a fuck, Saul keeps in line. He says “yes, sir.” He advises caution. None of these are inherently bad qualities but in this scene we come to understand that what drew Carrie to Saul was not his caution, his yin to her yang, but his daring and bravery and “FUCK THE CIA” mentality (there’s a reason why that line is in this episode too). 

#2: “You don’t know a goddamned thing”: This scene is now famous for lines like “you’re the smartest and dumbest fucking person I’ve ever known” (he’s not wrong) but this scene is actually one of the more important ones ever on this show, and I still maintain that t“The Choice” is the mos important ever Homeland episode. As to why this scene itself is significant in their relationship, I’ll allow Jacob Clifton to explain:

Saul is one thing only, and his love for Carrie comes out of the idea that they are the same. And he’s right. But because she’s giving up herself to something he can’t, it looks like they are not the same. It looks ugly to him. He fights it like an addict fights recovery, striking blindly at her softest places because can’t stand the change in vector: Her madness is only acceptable as long as it’s useful; her self-abnegation is only positive so long as he can understand it.

I bolded that last sentence because it’s almost shockingly predictive of future seasons. We can hem and haw all we want about Saul’s relative rightness about Carrie leaving the CIA for Brody being a terrible decision, but the truth is that he would have done it regardless of who Brody was. He would have done it if she’d left with Quinn, with Jonas, with Otto, with Estes, with anyone, or all by herself. I don’t actually believe that Saul wants Carrie to be miserable. I just think he doesn’t care. I think he sees her gifts, her “saving the world” (to be totally Mandy Patinkin about it) as a more profound and upright calling than, for example: having a family, being a mother, having an integrated and whole personal life… the list goes on. 

But the moment when Carrie tells him she doesn’t want to end up alone her whole life, like him, is probably the first great fissure in what was until then a generally even relationship. It establishes her desire for… something beyond everything he’d ever shown her (she literally turns down the greatest career opportunity ever for THE DUDE IN THE SUICIDE VEST… and like, did we ever consider that wasn’t really about Carrie loving Brody so much but more about how much she really didn’t fucking want to be Saul????). She threatens his control and he strikes her at the knees. 

#3: Literally all of season three: It’s difficult to choose a single scene in season three to encapsulate just how much Carrie and Saul’s relationship this season was changed but let’s just discuss the overall arc:

Saul and Carrie come up with a plan to lure out Javadi (i.e., Iran) since they know he’s partially responsible for the Langley bombing. In their shared plan, Carrie will pretend to be crazy in front of the Senate and the press so that she seems vulnerable to the influence of a foreign power. Coolness. 

Except Saul changes the plan in the middle and: 

Publicly blames the Langley bombing on Carrie

Outs Carrie’s sexual relationship with Brody on national television 

Has Carrie committed to a mental institution for four weeks with little to no contact with the outside world

Sics Dar fucking Adal on her when she gets out of the mental institution in order to maintain the cover

The scene at the end of “Game On” where Carrie comes to Saul’s house and tells him the plan has worked is devastating to watch. I don’t think it was entirely clear at the time just how much Saul’s plan had strayed from their shared vision until Carrie tells him, through tears, “you should have gotten me out of there, Saul. You shouldn’t have left me in there.” He doesn’t say anything in response. When she tells him it’s too hard, she can’t keep going, he offers her some tea. It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad. 

Again: 

Her madness is only acceptable as long as it’s useful; her self-abnegation is only positive so long as he can understand it.

Season three was all about that: about the lengths Saul would go with Carrie’s own illness, and how far along she’d left herself go too. Javadi literally makes a speech about it.

Now, Carrie wasn’t forced to do any of this (well, except the mental institution, that was extremely forced). We see at times how desperately she craves his attention and approval: in “Tower of David,” when she pleads with her therapist to give a good report back to Saul; in “The Yoga Play,” where he berates her for getting involved in Brody Family Drama and tells her she’s ruined everything and ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THAT NOW CARRIE (god, the father/daughter vibes in that one are nauseating); in “Still Positive” when she calls him, triumphant, after having arranged the meeting with Javadi and he’s like “oh yeah by the way we lost you for a few hours there.” 

(This doesn’t fit into the above theme but the scene at the end of “One Last Thing” when Carrie tells him in order for any of this shit to work they have to trust each other is one of the most interesting and important scenes of the whole season, simply because it implies one easy truth: they don’t trust each other. And what a change that is from earlier seasons.) 

And yet, he needed her for it all to work. Saul may have been the mastermind of the entire clusterfuck of season three (better on rewatch than you would think!), but without Carrie literally every step of the way, it would have gone up in flames. She lured Javadi to America with her 95%-based-in-reality mania. She convinced Brody to go to Iran knowing it would almost certainly end in his death. And then she went straight along to Tehran knowing she’d probably have to witness it all. 

The end of season three is super interesting in their relationship because I believe in my gut and in my soul that Carrie still resents Saul for convincing her to convince Brody to go kill himself. I really believe this. Again, she wasn’t forced. She did this of her own volition. But he planted the seed in her head, and I think some part of Carrie–likely equal parts rational and irrational–blames him for it, even as she mostly blames herself. 

I won’t even mention Saul’s complete un-acknowledgement of Carrie being nine months pregnant in the last half of “The Star” but Saul basically ignoring Carrie’s child for four years is more significant than we give it credit for.

#4: “Escape or die. I promise.” The season four relationship between Carrie and Saul is interesting because it upends their previous dynamic. Carrie and Saul were always outsiders in the agency, but now he’s actually on the outside and she’s ascended, more an insider than ever. Also, I know part of it was grief, and again this is not an absolution, but where else do we think Carrie learned her casual disregard for human life? I’m just saying, season four came after season three. 

So anyway, when Carrie promises to Saul that he’ll kill him before letting him be re-captured by the Taliban, we almost sort of believe her. She nearly killed him once before (wanna know the quickest way to get me from 0 to 1500 words on this show? mention the end of “From A to B and Back Again.” but actually don’t please).

The middle episodes of season four–Carrie nearly killing Saul, reneging on her promise to kill him, and then tearfully saving him from himself–are extremely moving. And they cement the arc of that entire season, of Carrie ascending where Saul had fallen. “The student becomes the master” (or the Drone Queen, rather) and all that jazz. Her journey to save her soul coincided with her journey to save him. Is that coincidental? Saul stopped being Carrie’s moral compass around the time he lied to her and had her committed. But just as Carrie is finding her way amid the chaos and fog of war, Saul is making backdoor deals with Dar fucking Adal to turn a blind eye to Haqqani’s reign of terror so that he could go and be the CIA director again. 

Saul preached idealism and goodness and morality in an increasingly terrorized, dangerous, chaotic world. He raised her in that image. She strayed, but was finding her way back to it. In those final moments of season four, that betrayal is complete. She detaches from him. And their relationship is forever altered. 

#5: “There’s a line between us that you drew. Forget that. There’s a fucking wall.” Oh, season five. This is getting really long so I’ll try to be succinct: Carrie and Saul’s relationship in season five is about her being in mortal danger and him being like “lol good luck….. NOT.” Ok, it’s only like that for an episode. 

How do they come back from the damage done at the end of season four? I think the answer is that they didn’t. They’re not healed from it. Parts of Carrie don’t trust Saul, and parts of Saul don’t trust Carrie. There are the surface elements of course: Carrie went and found a cool life in Berlin, riding bikes and wearing balloon hats and such, working for a man whose ideals often stood in direct counter to the CIA’s. In effect, she basically went and did the opposite of everything Saul had ever done. That this all comes in a time of real upheaval in Saul’s personal life (Mira divorced him, he’s literally fucking a Russian mole) only makes his ego more volatile. 

And then we have The Landstuhl Conundrum. I’m calling it this because it doesn’t yet have a name but I’m referring to the moment when the doctors say that they can’t wake Quinn from a coma, because if they do he will probably die or have irreversible brain damage. But Carrie and Saul believe he has valuable information about a terror cell that he’d eagerly share after coming out of said coma. Honestly!!! This show is extremely ridiculous sometimes. 

Anyway Saul is like “what would you want me to do if it were you lying there,” implying DUH she’d have him wake her. She says she can’t speak for Quinn. Well apparently she can, because she wakes him. Cue the irreversible brain damage, the almost-death. 

Later Saul comes to see her and Quinn at the hospital and asks how he is. “Not great,” she replies tersely. He tells her he didn’t come here to fight with her. 

Resentment City: Population of 1. I’ve actually beat this drum for a few years, but I still think that Carrie harbors resentment toward Saul for coercing her into waking Quinn. First Brody, then Quinn. This isn’t meant to absolve Carrie of blame. She convinced Brody to go to Tehran because she believed in that mission. She woke Quinn because she believed in that mission. But I do think that Saul gave her a nudge and I’m not 100% convinced that without his influence she’d have made the same choices. When we talk about Saul teaching Carrie, about him mentoring her… and then we talk about Carrie having no regard for human life, of choosing mission over man, time after time… how much of that is her nature and how much is him nurturing her toward that outcome? 

#6: “Maybe I don’t like the idea of you worrying about me.” Season six is spectacularly dull on many fronts, and the Carrie/Saul relationship is not the centerpiece. The evolution of their relationship after Berlin has taken the shape of something like season three. Saul needs Carrie’s help, she’s in no position to give it, he coaxes her with some terrifying outcome If She Won’t, then she agrees, and things still Turn Out Shitty For Her. 

Ultimately I think this season highlights that whatever difficulties they now have working with each other, whatever trust issues they both still harbor, at the end of the day it is ALWAYS Carrie and Saul Versus the World. That’s always what this story has been (though this is extremely different from their relationship being the same as it’s always been), and it’s what the show comes back to after Quinn’s death. 

He still cares about her. She tells him not to, he’s not her fucking father. This is one of the great complexities of their relationship: Saul often does coddle her the way a father would a daughter, but he’s a firm believer in tough love and all the forms that can take. 

Again, I don’t think that Saul wants Carrie to be miserable. I also don’t think he wants her to happy. Her personal fulfillment and well-being is just entirely secondary to her role in his own mission of Whatever The Fuck. I mean I guess his mission is for the world to be more peaceful and better but like… y’know how Thanos thinks that killing half the universe’s population will help with the suffering caused by overpopulation? I’m not saying Saul is Thanos. But they’re both deranged males! (Also, if y’all don’t think Saul would Gamora Carrie right up outta this dimension if it meant fulfilling his life’s mission then please let me sell you this Homeland lamp!) (But honestly, I’m not saying Saul is as bad as Thanos.) (Do not send in asks about this.)

#7: “You’ve given me a hard time these last few years.” Season seven takes the post-Berlin foundation that season six built and adds some new interesting layers that are like a weird inversion/combo of seasons four and five. Carrie’s more on the outside than she’s ever been and now Saul’s the one who’s gone to work for the enemy. 

Still, no matter whatever shit has gone down between them, it’s still Carrie and Saul Versus the World. The show highlights some key ideas in the last three episodes. First, it fully acknowledges that whenever Saul comes calling, Carrie will always answer. Remember how he said this was his Achilles’ heel? Remember how in that same episode Carrie said she was going to be alone her whole life? Remember how Saul raised Carrie in his image? These callbacks are not evidence of stagnation of their relationship; they’re references to its elemental core. 

Second, the show finally has Carrie acknowledge the… um… storm of shit Saul has put her through while also fully copping to the extreme codependence of their entire relationship:

I’ve not come all this way in that fucking plane and in my life to fail in that mission when I know I can succeed. You’ve given me a hard time the past few years. I’m in, I’m out, I’m all over the place. I am not all over the place now. I’m here and I’m all in, and I need you to say yes. 

She pledges her devotion to the mission (above all else). She acknowledges Saul’s hot-and-cold nature with her. And then she says SHE STILL NEEDS HIS APPROVAL because–say it with me–they are in an extremely! toxic! relationship!

In a nutshell, the evolution of the discord in Carrie and Saul’s relationship started with him putting her life at risk in service of the mission. And now we’re at a point where she fully fucking volunteers for the task! In my heart of hearts I think a non-zero part of Carrie is doing it so he will love her more. Did I mention they are in a codependent relationship? 

So where do we go from here?

If you are still reading, congratulations! That’ll teach you to ask me a question about Carrie and Saul! Actually, about five questions were asked. The last–what will happen in season eight that will feel at all like a catharsis–is not one that I’ve actually thought that much about. 

I think I’ve made a case for Carrie and Saul’s relationship being the soul of this show–its mangled, twisted soul. The truth is their relationship is toxic. They are both their best and worst selves with each other. Like family, they know what buttons to push, and where to strike to make it hurt the most. 

What catharsis looks like in this relationship depends a lot on how you see this relationship. For example, it would be cathartic for me for Saul to die, but that will almost certainly not happen. It would be cathartic for Carrie to strike out on her own–finally–and attempt some type of fulfillment. Also very unlikely. 

If I had to guess about what the end of this story will look like for them, it’s probably with Carrie dead. Probably on a mission Saul convinced her to believe in. 

Saul’s been alone his entire life. He will never be less alone because Carrie is alive. I guess that’s the prison he has to live in. And then maybe she’ll finally be free of hers. 

EPILOGUE:

The above is a reading of their relationship that is quite sympathetic to Carrie, obviously, and quite unsympathetic to Saul, also obviously. You will probably disagree. Gail has written very interesting stuff on how the dynamic of the Carrie/Saul relationship is most like handler/asset. I think that is a very astute perspective and there are definitely aspects of it but I think the relationship more resembles the trope of found family: she is the daughter he never had and he is the stable father she never had, and they will both ruin each other. Fin! 

[missilekidding]

☄ / 🔮 / 🌐 :)

Gah I had so much fun with these! Again, so sorry I didn’t get around to them sooner, but I hope they were worth waiting for!

☄ - NewsAGoGo

To begin with I need to say that my headcanons for this wonderful lesbian are HEAVILY influenced by @neon-rat‘s NewsAGoGo tag cause that shit is SO GOOD.

- So we got our lesbian scene queen here. She’s had about four thousand different hair cuts and colours and not a single one has ever looked good, but that’s sort of the point. She is CONSTANTLY shaving bits off her head and has most of her scalp tattooed. Frequently seen in a variety of extremely ugly green, yellow or orange trench coats and totally impractical knee length boots, and manages to pull off the ‘I literally wouldn’t recognise good fashion if it punched me in the face’ look brilliantly. This is mostly because of her charisma and confidence in personally loving her own look, and besides, she is a TERRIFYING motherfucker so most runners wouldn’t have the guts to tell her they don’t like her look anyway.

- When I say shes tattooed I mean she is TATTOOED. Most of her body is covered. They aren’t generally big pieces either - a large piece on her upper arm, chest and one thigh, but otherwise covered in tons of smaller pieces, individual from each other and symbolic of vastly different things. Her favourite is probably any of the pieces her girlfriend, DJ Hot Chimp, has given her, and even if Hot Chimp wasn’t genuinely one of the best tattoo artists in the zones she would adore the fact that it’s her girl’s iconic ocean patterns that rest across her rib cage.

- She can be pretty blunt, and it often comes across as rude - she will always speak her mind and totally tends to miss the changes in conversations when people are hurt. She can also get a little heated too when she’s passionate, but also very short when she doesn’t care, so she can be a little intense for many joys to deal with. That’s not, however, to say that she is unkind. If NewsAGoGo is anything, its a good fucking friend. She is fiercely loyal to Doctor Death Defying and her friends at the radio station, and to Hot Chimp, and she easily makes up for anything mean that she may accidentally say in the passion she shows to the people she trusts.

- Before they settled either with or near Doctor D in the radio station, News, Hot Chimp, Cherri and Pony all ran together - it only lasted for about six months once they escaped the City, but it was probably the most fun any of them had. They were some of the earliest killjoys to get out, so the rules of the Zones were much less defined, meaning that setting fire to buildings for the sake of it and driving fast enough to crash every single car they found was fine - the precious nature of these things really weren’t set out or apparent, and the desire for chaos which plagues any runner fresh out of the City went uncontrolled in them.

🔮 - The Phoenix Witch

AH! My absolutely favourite character in the universe! Resident Goth Deity!

- She isn’t called the Phoenix Witch for no reason. The woman has mad power. Raising the dead and making random shit vanish type power. Mostly she takes this very seriously - a nasty side effect of prophetic visions is that she can see the role she, and others, need to play in the big picture, and so her somewhat controversial choices to raise, or not raise joys from the dead plays on her conscience a lot. It’s not clear where she got her power from other than the fact that it took her years of practise to gain it, and that the more powerful she becomes the less she seems to actually be seen.

- This then means that very few living runners have actually seen her. In the earlier days it was more common - she seemed to actually conform to the idea that having a physical form means that you had to exist somewhere at all times, so seeing her around the zones was rare, but possible. Many of those ‘joys who did see her wandering across the land however were ghosted, and those who do claim to have seen her in the later years tend to say that she can just appear at will, and so this lack of knowledge and sightings of her, paired with the frequent stories of the impossible things she can just do really gained her her status as big fucking mythical cryptid across the zones.

- Know I included this in my last Phoenix Witch headcanon post but it’s a headcanon I am willing to Die for - She is Doctor Death Defying’s twin. They were raised together and although they don’t see each other very often cause like. crazy zone happenings. they are still incredibly close and look out for each other. They also fuck around and indirectly make each other’s lives extremely difficult on purpose to piss the other one off because even if your sister is essentially a deity you can still make sure that she wakes up to her least favourite song playing on the radio once every week, and even if your brother is the most revered killjoy in the zones you can give him weird fucking intense dreams that fully convince him that yes, he is in fact a large marsupial, at two in the morning.

- Her ability to shape shift was something that kind of just happened. very suddenly. She was kind of just sitting there one day, thinking about how inconvenient it was to be a human person with like arms and legs and a torso, when suddenly she just wasn’t anymore. It was pretty surprising to say the least, to no longer have to exist in corporeal form, but both personally and practically it was pretty awesome, and after some practise she worked out how to change into a raven, which while also looking totally rad allowed her to go and sit outside Doctor D’s radio station at ungodly hours of the morning and shriek really loud before making a quick get away.

🌐 - One of my OCs

Okay lets talk Grenade. My fucking weird dumbass bitch oc. Love her.

- She has never lived in the Battery - she’s originally from around London, but when shit Went Down in the UK her family moved as far as they could - into the area that later became the zones. Her mother moved into the City in the early days but Grenade’s apprehension to follow proved pretty fucking lucky after Better Living started dropping bombs on the zones and their true nature was revealed. During this time she spent a while running with this group of aggressive dudes and trying to convince herself that she was totally straight™, but she quickly realised that this group were actually pretty awful morally, and left, later realising that girls exist and reassessing her entire world view.

-  She is pretty covered in tattoos (notice the running theme in my headcanons for most female killjoys, I’m gay sue me), with her favourite being either the snake around her forearm or the large floral pieces over her hips and thighs. Her time being a general nuisance to Dracs has proved a little detrimental to the larger pieces on her body - a particularly violent run in left most of her chest piece totally unrecognisable, but the scarring itself still has meaning to her so it doesn’t bother her too much.

- She is often seen running around under the full moon, titties out, praising the Goddess. Just cause you live in the desert doesn’t mean you can’t still do your crazy witch shit and Grenade is definitely extremely spiritual. Due to this she also makes charms for runners she meets - getting her hands on actual supplies for spell bags is hard, but she makes do with what she can find and invests a lot of time into sigil magic to make up for it.

- Her and Lithium (@neon-rat’s OC) were the first members of their group, and met shortly after Better Living stopped dropping pig bombs when the two of them ended up trying to kill the same annoying SCARECROW agent together. They got on amazingly mostly because they are both fucking batshit crazy, so the idea of spending three weeks hiding in the City and just repetitively stealing all the fruit from the previously mentioned SCARECROW agent’s house before setting it on fire was one that made perfect sense to them both. They were originally gonna call their group Dykes! but realised that DOGS, or ‘Damn, Occult Girls are Sexy’ is funnier, and sounds like it should stand for something way cooler than it does.

[stopthepres]

“you don’t like her.”

it’s not a question. honestly i can’t remember a single time doe ever actually asked for my opinion about a girl. she always announces the final verdict after x amount of time and i just… well, we both know she’s right. because she’s always right. about most things, especially ME things. that’s what it means to be best friends.

“i don’t like her.” i sigh and stare down at the empty glass in my hand. 

now would be a good time to side step from the conversation and ask the bartender for a refill. in fact, now would be a great time to indulge in the age old tradition of getting wasted at a wedding. unfortunately doe has this way of cornering me in crowded rooms when it’s most inconvenient. 

“i told teddy you wouldn’t like her.” she moves in a little closer to grab my face, pressing her fingers into my cheeks until i pout my lower lip. “look at you. this is not the mug of a boy who wants to fuck a yoga instructor.” she lets go, thank god, and reaches for my free hand instead, sliding her fingers between mine.

“i feel like work outs shouldn’t need instructions anyway.” i say this as a person who hasn’t seen a gym since i quit the soccer team in tenth grade. maybe more importantly i say this as a person holding hands with doe. 

not the girl teddy practically begged me to bring as a date. her name is melanie and she’s one of those people who, i guess, checks a lot of boxes on the dream girl list. she’s smart, she’s funny and she’s been pretty mean to me most of the night. she loudly criticized the menu and even asked if i got my haircut the same place as her eight year old brother. 

but she’s blonde. and she hates dancing. and she doesn’t have strong feelings about saweetie or kendrick so i don’t see how this could ever work.

“so what? you’re going to ignore her the rest of the night then?” doe sounds equal parts thrilled with my misfortune and smug that i’m here with her instead of meeting melanie in the coat room. “leave her hanging until she bails?”

“yo, i can’t just ignore her. that’s rude.”

“you’re literally ignoring her right now.”

“i’m literally trapped by you right now.”

“you’re LITERALLY, like, eight inches taller than me.” she smirks and takes a few small steps backward, slowly releasing her grasp on my hand. “if you wanna go, you go. i can’t stop you.”

but the thing is she definitely can. she knows she can. she knows i’m not about to walk away from her to possibly sleep with someone else. not because i’m head over heels or wildly obsessed or whatever you’re thinking. it’s not like that. 

happy endings are a lame cliche. i don’t want marriage or kids or one of those houses on a street full of houses that look exactly the same. little boxes made of ticky tacky, little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same. you know, like  the theme song from weeds. that stuff’s not for me, man. no way.

i will not move in with someone. i will not propose. i will not live happily ever after.

teddy is, however, convinced i’ll change my mind about this someday. she’s also certain doe will change hers, too. not in favor of us being together though. teddy’s a hopeless romantic but not hopeless enough to hope for romance to burst out of me like the crazy ass alien baby thing in that one movie. 

the point i’m trying to make here is i don’t ditch doe to mack on melanie. instead i pass my empty glass to doe. 

she hands it off some friend of the groom who makes the mistake of wandering by at the wrong time. “be an angel and get me something strong enough to make me want to kiss this one.” she winks and he blinks back, confused, and walks away.

“i can’t stand you sometimes,” i mumble, pulling my phone from the inside pocket of my suit jacket. i tap out a text to melanie - an apology for leaving early due to stomach problems. fingers crossed this girl doesn’t ask for any explanation beyond a series of barfing emojis i send as a follow up message. “so,” i add, tucking my phone away again, “do you wanna bounce?”

“but i didn’t get my tall glass of ‘i guess you look good now’ yet.” she smiles with her tongue stuck out between her teeth and it feels like i drank enough for my stance to suddenly go unsteady. 

“you’re a menace.” i laugh and slide an arm around her shoulders, leading her across the dance floor in the direction of the ballroom door.

i can imagine my sister’s signature eye roll off to the side somewhere and i know to expect a series of questions over lunch tomorrow. but it’s cool. i know how to shut down all the arguments for why i should man up and ask doe on a real date. i know every single reason it doesn’t make any sense to ruin a good thing with complications neither of us want.

if doe wanted more, she would tell me. we tell each other everything. it’s always been that way.

i told her about the time i dreamt a bee the size of a cat wouldn’t stop following me around my apartment, buzzing and buzzing and buzzing until i offered it a pop-tart. it was strawberry-flavored which doesn’t make a lot of sense because bees definitely don’t eat those but shit happens. 

she was the first person i told when i kissed a guy and then panicked so hard i twisted my ankle trying to rush away from the whole awkward disaster. she’s the only one who knows it was the dude my sister’s been obsessed with since we were thirteen. no, not the one with the hair. the uglier one with the camera.

i slept in doe’s bed every night the week my dad was in the hospital a year ago. i called doe crying when i was fourteen and thought my mom might be having an affair and i didn’t know what to do. when i was sixteen, i texted doe from the inside of a closet when i tried to hide from this one girl’s dad who i was pretty sure wanted to shoot me. 

doe knows everything about me and i know everything about her is what i’m saying.  like, i know she hates it when her mom tries to pressure her into anything, even if it’s ordering right away at a restaurant she’s been going to since we were kids. 

i know she cries watching titanic. every. fucking. time.

so if doe wanted this, me and her, to be more than sex? she’d tell me. fo shiz. we don’t do secrets. 

 “HEY, DING DONG! ARE YOU LISTENING?” her elbow knocks into my ribs. hard.

“what the fuck? and furthermore… what the ding dong?” 

“it’s like a doorbell, preston,” she explains slowly, like we’re seventeen again and she’s telling me how to put on a condom. like it’s necessary but she can’t believe i’m making her do this. “ding dong. i’m here. pay attention, etc.”

“right.” we step into the hotel elevator and i tighten my hold on her shoulders, bringing her in even closer once she’s pressed the button for our floor. “but why are you ringalinging exactly?”

“because you weren’t listening.”

“we’ve established that.” i lean down and kiss the top of her head, grateful it’s less of a strain when she’s in heels. “tell me what i missed.”

“you’re ordering breakfast tomorrow.” my stomach twists. “to my room, exclusively.” and then it turns. “because you’re staying over.” and it sort of jumps up into my throat somehow. maybe it’s the jolt of our bodies traveling upward. maybe it’s something else entirely.

i swallow hard as we come to a stop and the doors open. “i’m completely okay with all of this.”

“of course you are.” doe nudges out from underneath my arm and rushes right out of the elevator, quickly winding through hallways toward her room with me always struggling to keep up but determined not to lose her.

she stops to wait for me when she reaches her door and loops her arms around my neck when i finally catch up. the kiss is magical in a way i’ve only ever experienced with her - comfortable but electric. i’m out of breath when she eases back slowly, looking up at me like all my secrets are worth keeping. 

like i’m worth keeping.

“you don’t like her?” she whispers but this time it’s a question. a real one.

“i don’t like her,” i say, soft but sure of it. 

“because you like me best.”

she’s always right. about most things, especially ME things.

“because i like you best.” i sigh and kiss her again, deeper this time with my hands low on her hips until we sway and her back thumps into the door. i laugh against her lips, unable to keep it from bubbling up. 

“what the fuck?” she’s laughing, too, but i can tell it’s one of those what’s wrong with you? laughs. 

“dude, we ding donged your door.”

“…do you seriously not know the difference between a doorbell and knocking?”

“do you always have to make fun of me before you fuck me?”

anyway that’s what it means to be best friends. at least for us.

[feraldavestrider]

i never check my mentions apparently @alpacalmond and @uiyutrentasei tagged me in a GTKM thing so im gonna do it oh uhhhh 2 weeks later LOL because i cant sleep and i hate myself

i tag @hal-strider if they didnt do it? and @noctiilucent, @kiyumiarashi, @whimsicmimic and @ataliaf uwu and anyone else who wants to do it!!

how tall are you: this is a cryptid question. i get a different result every time i try to measure myself and ive never asked anyone else to do it for me. some people tell me im very short, others have told me im average height for someone who is afab. im gonna hazard a guess at 5′5 tho.

what colour are your eyes: very dark brown

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses. i literally CANNOT see without them. i mean like 2 inches from my glasses-less face is so blurry its unbelievable. i get super triggered by eye stuff tho so contacts are a no go ALSO i look weird w/o glasses anyway.

do you wear braces: no my teeth r p good actually. one is a bit wonky but thats life

what is your fashion style: i mean 90% panties and a sweaty 4 day tshirt because i just spend all day in my room like a goblin. BUT when i actually go out im ur basic ass post-emo trans dude with skinny jeans, converse and a too-big graphic tee. sometimes i spice it up with a plaid shirt because im fuckin GAY.

when were you born: october 12th 1999, babey

how old are you: 18 motherfucker flashes my titties and gulps a bottle of vodka im an ADULT

do you have any siblings: yes. a younger brother and hes a cunt

what school/college do you go to: im at sixth form rn (last yr of highschool technically if ur american but im not and hs finishes at 16 yrs old here deal with it). im going uni next yr tho and this years almost over for me academically since we go on study leave soon for our final exams. uwu overshares

what kind of student are you: the asshole who never studies for tests and does homework at 5am the morning before and still manages to pull straight As to everyones anger. im also the adhd class clown who makes random noises and cant concentrate half the time. ik i hate myself too im so annoying irl even more so than online.

what are your favorite subjects: in terms of actual content of the subject, english lit fs. in terms of classmates/teachers/general atmosphere DEFFO drama we spend half of our time eating cake, singing random shit and just losing our minds while filming it on snapchat which shouldnt at all be allowed.

what are your favorite movies: god idek. um. fuck. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i cant think of a single movie. ok ok ok i got it: white chicks, premium rush, scott pilgrim vs the world, the cornetto triology too i just love edgar hes such a great director. i like a lot of the marvel movies esp the spiderman hc and thor ragnorok and both gotg were p good. i love a lot of movies my brains just a void that sucks memories up into its fat gob and steals them from me forever.

what are your pastimes: sleeping, crying, used to be rping but i gave up on that, playing overwatch way too much and getting tilted because im shit, reading fanfictions did i say sleeping

do you have many regrets: dude. my guy. come in close. let me whisper in ur ear. are you close? no, closer. ok. 

YES

what is your dream job: whoo boy. im do indecisive and i think a LOT of jobs seem super cool that id never do i.e. be an actor or be in a band. my dream job since i was like 8 was to be a writer which is unlikely since i cant even finish a pwp oneshot. but thatd be cool. id also like to write plays and direct them but thats also wild and v dream > reality. 

would you like to get married: honestly. marriage as an institution? angers me. i dont like a lot of things about it. BUT. part of the reason i hate it is honestly if ur in a long long term relationship with someone ur better off married than not in terms of the benefits so. id happily get married if the other person wanted and/or we felt like it was the right thing to do, i just dont really care about being married or having a wedding tbh.

do you want kids? how many if so: no. hard pass. i might adopt if im long-term with someone who SUPER wants kids but that likely wont happen because i dont want to get into a long-term relationship with someone so desperate for kids since i dont have that same enthusiasm. sorry. ill be ur uncle gabe but im not having my own children im just not well equipped to literally have a full time job of making sure little idiots (meant affectionately) who dont know fuck from shit dont just straight up die. i can barely do that for myself.

how many countries have you visited: shit dude actually ive only visited like... uh... 4??? a lot of my holidays tend to be to the same countries (portugal/america) so i dont have that much experience like i feel like i do.

what was your scariest dream: hmmmm. when i was a kid i had these recurring dreams where i worked at this like. “zoo” where these MASSIVE, i mean ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE string rays that were also pancakes were like. hooked up to make electricity? anyway i hated the job because we all abused the rays super bad to make them generate the power and it sucked and it was all dystopian. there was stuff where like we had to kill the baby rays and stuff. anyway one day it went all planet of the apes and they broke out somehow and could fly and they killed loads of people and i had to go into hiding because they were super clever and could id who had worked at the zoo plant and wanted revenge. its super weird ik but this is pretty tame for my dreams they go HARD and BIZARRE and this one always made me wake up feeling super sick and scared idk. ur welcome.

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: no im lonely but its ok because i need to work on me 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs: ok so i dont really have a “playlist” per se so im just gonna use my top 100 2017 songs on spotify which ignores a lot of my non-spotify non-2017 bangers but whatever.

1) ‘My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark’ by FOB

2) ‘Tuxford Fall’ - Vasudeva

3) ‘Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued’ - FOB

4) ‘Fried Noodles: Getter Remix’ - Pink Guy, Getter (listen ive never watched any filthy frank he weirds me out but this is a banger)

5) ‘Brick By Boring Brick’ - Paramore

6) ‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ - FOB (i really dont listen to this much fob this is crazy)

7) ‘Death Note L’s Theme Goes Metal’ - Charlie Parra del Riego (theres no defence for this)

8) ‘Turnstile’ - Vasudeva

9) ‘Idle Worship’ - Paramore

10) ‘Monster’ - Paramore

11) ‘Miss Missing You’ - FOB

12) ‘The City’ - Madeon

13) ‘Far Too Young To Die’ - P!ATD

14) ‘Don’t Stop’ - Nothing More (really this is the band i listen to much smh these results are so skewed)

15) ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ - The Killers

[kyashin]

Voltron: The Fandom of You

Soooooo, hi. I want to talk about Voltron fandom, because I have some positive things to say about it. But first, I want to talk about due South.

due South is one of my favorite shows, and the fandom produced some of my favorite fan content. All around, it was a fantastic contribution to the universe. Well done, humanity.

For the uninitiated, the show is: Canadian Mountie Benton Fraser, the most upstanding and honest (and sarcastic) person imaginable, first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of his father; and, for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, he remained, attached as liaison officer with the Canadian Consulate. It was a buddy cop show, and for seasons one and two, his cop buddy was an Italian-American dude named Ray Vecchio. Some people shipped it.

The show was canceled, and then, after enthusiastic fan campaigning, lovingly revived for two more seasons with Paul Gross––the actor who played Fraser––at the helm as executive producer. Unfortunately, David Marciano was unable to reprise his role as Ray Vecchio, so yikes! Now what? The entire premise of this thing was “sincere Canadian Mountie and cynical American cop shenanigans”. The solution was to replace Ray Vecchio. Literally. Like...in the show.

The first episode of season three has Fraser arriving in Chicago after a vacation in Canada to find this hot blond dude with a way different accent claiming to be Ray Vecchio, who is dark-haired and different-accented and just...you know...an entire different human being. Aaand let’s skip to the end of the episode where it turns out that Actual Ray Vecchio is undercover with the mob, so this new dude is gonna pretend to be him ‘til Vecchio gets back. New dude’s name is Ray Kowalski. People also shipped that.

But the fans who’d like, worked feverishly to get their show back on the air weren’t counting on having half the duo they wanted back erased from the show. !!!!!!!!!!!

Enter the Ray Wars. (Seriously, there’s a whole thing about them on fanlore.)

And a disclaimer: I wasn’t in the fandom for the height of the rage and fury, but I did saunter in as things were winding down, and even then some of the wreckage was still smoldering. That whole kerfuffle was Fandom Infamous for a super long time––and people who’ve been in Fandom long enough definitely know the Ray Wars by name AND reputation. For years, I’d see the Ray Wars held up by others as one of the ultimate examples of “intense fans” and just how Not Good a Look fandom can make for itself.

Here’s the thing though: the Ray Wars took place in the late 90s. No social media, no widespread understanding of fandom throughout the population. Fans were, like, on mailing lists and shit. The people who created AO3 were posting fic on web hosts like Geocities and Angelfire. Some people still called the internet “the web”, AOL was the gatekeeper to the internet things for a lot of people, and fans were figuring out that we could do ~*~*~*this*~*~*~ to make our user names look super unique and cool (not that I did that, just to be real, real clear). In that time, fandoms were very, super insular worlds with very tall, very robust fourth walls separating fans from creators and actors.

And for decades, these niche-occupying fans were accustomed to consuming very heterosexual content––shows and movies and comics and video games––and then writing whole-ass essays about how you could interpret this same-sex ship as legitimate within canon if you tilted your head 23 degrees, closed one eye, ignored the heterosexual ending, and stared long enough at these four screenshots from that one scene in episode 13.

You’d see flinches of contact between Fandom and The Established Source Material Creators sometimes. but it was rare. Anne Rice, for example, haaaaaaaaates fanfiction, and she’d go to great lawyery lengths to erase all she could find of it from the internet. Generally speaking, though, creators lived over there, and fans lived here, and we didn’t have much of an opportunity to interact with each other outside of, like, letters and conventions. There were still disrespectful fans, but you had to, like, make an effort to be a direct nuisance to the cast or crew.

Also, admitting to liking “slash” fanfiction as a woman back then got you “you just like slash because you’re too jealous to imagine your favorite male characters with women” at best and “that’s disgusting” at worst. ...Eh, there was probably worse, let’s be real.

So you can imagine the reaction many of us had when Paul Gross was interviewed about due South’s upcoming third season in 1997 and said of Callum Keith Rennie, the actor who’d play Ray Kowalski, “I tell you, slash fiction is going to go crazy when they see the new guy. He is really good-looking and sexy, the dangerous side of Fraser. It will be totally homoerotic.” THESE WERE THINGS AN EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SAID. IN 1997. KNOW WHAT ELSE HAPPENED IN 1997? ELLEN DEGENERES CAME OUT. AND THEN LOST HER CAREER BECAUSE OF IT FOR A LONG-ASS TIME. WILL AND GRACE WASN’T EVEN A THING YET (1998). NEITHER WAS THE ORIGINAL UK VERSION OF QUEER AS FOLK (1999).

Like, holy shit???

And the thing is? He wasn’t baiting. The show intentionally included a LOT of subtext between Fraser and Ray Kowalski, to the point where the last episode of the show showed Ray having a literal identity crisis because he could tell Fraser wanted to go back to Canada permanently and like, “who am I without him” and then the series ends with the two of them sledding into the actual sunset no I’m not exaggerating that happened WHAT EVEN WAS THIS BLESSING IN 1999.

Were they canon? Eeeeeh. Kinda? It was 1997, I’d call whatever they were groundbreaking, at least for me. And the reason I say it wasn’t baiting is because all Paul said was, “Slash fans will like this,” and many of us did. So, y’know. Truth in advertising. Well done, Paul.

AND NOW IT IS THE YEAR OF OUR QUEERS, 20gayteen, and SO MANY THINGS have changed for the better for LGBTQ folks in the last two decades. Like, Voltron fandom is WILD to me sometimes (in a fantastic way) because some of the fans are actually young enough to have been born after the AIDS crisis, after Matthew Shepard was brutally murdered, after Don’t Ask Don’t Tell––after all these horrible, devastating wounds were inflicted on our beautiful queer family. There are actually fans in Voltron who believe, without a sliver of doubt, that a same-sex pairing can and will become canon.

That’s bananas to me. That there is hope like that! Belief like that! Because I was born at the very end of the AIDS crisis and I didn’t hear the word bisexual until I was, like, twelve, let alone have enough of a support system around me to embrace that label for myself. B A N A N A S.

So of course––of course––there’s a part of me that hopes a same-sex pairing will happen in Voltron. Just thinking about how Dreamworks almost made Miguel and Tulio a canon couple in The Road to El Dorado in 2000 makes my heart twinge with disappointment. (Yes, Chel is great, but.)

See, I’m super attached to Voltron even when the writing is clearly stifled and bridled in by the people whose job it is to sell lots and lots of Voltron toys. I read klance fic and reblog VLD fanart and I have one (1) friend who also watches the show. We talk about it sometimes, and I throw fanart of Shiro at her because he’s her favorite. She doesn’t ship anything, and I am a cheerful little klance-shipping demon. I am in a fandom of two, and it’s pretty great in here.

But.

Voltron’s a lighthearted kid’s show about humans and aliens piloting mecha lions in space to save the universe from space colonialism, and while I will be dizzy with glee if a same-sex couple becomes canon in this show, I want it more for the intended audience of Voltron: kids.

I met a kid last year at Osaka Pride whose mother said, “He came home from school and told me, ‘I don’t feel like a girl or a boy,’” so this young mother brought her child to Pride to learn more about the community that her baby might belong in. And that lovely little human stayed on the fringes at first, apparently shy, until their mother told them, “Go on,” and then they spent the next ten minutes literally jogging around all the booths and beaming at everyone: the trans women in neon dresses cooing at how cute this little sunbeam was, the booth folks selling rainbow-themed merch, the couples hand-in-hand without shame or fear. And when they came back to their mom, they were completely carefree. And I thought, I wish that had been me.

And maybe it could’ve been, if every single cartoon I consumed as a child wasn’t coding gay men as villains, overtly implying that LGBT people had a direct link to actual pedophilia, and aggressively promoting heterosexual romance as The Only Acceptable Way of Love. If I’d grown up in a world where Ruby and Sapphire were on TV being happily in love every week, I might’ve realized what was in my own heart sooner than college.

So there is part of me who understands why people are so emotionally connected to the possibility of a ship like klance becoming canon. I’ve felt that urgent hope, that wild hunger, again and again and again and again in my life, and the only time I’ve ever had that hope realized in canon was in 2016 watching Viktor and Yuuri skate together in Yuri!!! on Ice. I cried. A lot.

I understand the emotion fueling the very, very bad decisions being made. In the simplest possible terms, the people who repeatedly harass the Voltron cast and crew are people who want a thing and are prioritizing getting that thing over the mental health of real people. I think it’s a symptom of internet detachment. When one is flinging words into a void, one doesn’t have to see how they’re received. Their actions––if I haven’t made it clear––are objectively harmful, and I don’t condone them.

But what I want to say––what I wrote this whole thing to say––is that Voltron isn’t a terrible fandom, and it isn’t the first fandom to have loud, overzealous fans who cross the line and make people inside and outside the fandom alike think, Yeesh they’re/we’re all lunatics. Voltron fandom is not The Worst, because I guarantee you if The Ray Wars were happening today, there’d totally be people on Twitter attacking Callum Keith Rennie directly for daring to replace David Marciano. It could have been so, so much uglier than it was, and it was already Bad.

In 1997, the fourth wall still more or less existed, and LGBT content––let alone respectful content––was scarce to say the least, so Fandom Discourse at the time remained generally contained to fan-on-fan unpleasantness. Today, that fourth wall is utterly gone, and I think all fandoms have to adapt to that and learn a whole new code of etiquette. LGBT rep is important, but there are respectful and effective ways to get it that don’t involve harassing the cast and crew. The voice actors and creators and crew of Voltron deserve basic human decency, and to be seen as people first and content creators second. It’s entirely possible for the majority of fandom to interact respectfully with the creators––it’ll just take time and patience, like most things that last.

So listen, everything’ll be fine. Try to have patience with each other. To quote a manga I’ve been translating: “There will be times in your life when you won’t be able to avoid being angry. Don’t make little things bigger than they have to be. Laugh and forgive.” Or, in this case, laugh and ignore. If you like a thing, awesome! Tell people! Or don’t! And if you don’t like something, carefully consider the consequences of what you do after you realize, I don’t like this. I don’t ship sheith at all, but for the last two years I’ve managed to leave alone the fans who do ship it and not send Shiro’s voice actor and his family angry, threatening messages. It wasn’t even difficult, guys. I just, like, read some klance fic instead.

I felt compelled to make this because I keep seeing posts from Voltron fans calling Voltron fandom a raging garbage fire and sure, there’re people playing near dry kindling with flamethrowers more than is advisable, but Voltron fans have created and will continue to create some beautiful content and friendships just for love of a show, and that’s lovely as fuck. If you’re feeling ashamed of your fandom and you haven’t done anything wrong, remember that you’re fandom, too. Keep being respectful, kind, and good. The terrible people won’t go away, but they won’t define the fandom for you unless you let them.

Be kind to each other, and things will improve.

And if anyone tells you your ship is bad, don’t talk to that person anymore, because that person probably has some dry kindling and a flamethrower.

And hey, if you’re at the end of this post and you’re like: Wow, this was way too short, and I would like to read more things this person has written, there’s always my Team Voltron-in-Japan AU. It has klance and Nyma/Allura and I enjoy writing it.

Wow, I’m hungry. Bye! :D/

[gloieee]

Times Flies ?

Time is flying by so fast. Things feel like an eternity ago, yet at the same time, I can’t believe it’s the end of November, that it’s been 4 months since med school started, that it’s been [X weeks/ months] since some other big event in my life (which 2019 has been FILLED with). It seems time is going by faster than ever. I wonder if I’ve written about this before. Since 2018, life has just zipped by.

Belated interjection from 11/29, *To a certain degree I feel as though 2019 has been the most dynamic year for me, yet also one with the most internal changes. At least, the internal changes don’t necessarily line up with the external changes that have happened. They’ve been ironically out of sync—mundane, farcical events have led to large scale, disproportionately catastrophic changes in my values and life decisions. With all the emotions I’ve been feeling, I’ll likely write more on how I feel about 2019 later (once I (hopefully) pass my block and head back home for 2 weeks), but I will say, contrary to how I’ve felt at certain points, it’s been a great year. It’s funny to say it, because I do think I feel this way because my years prior sucked so much—thinking back to the years (literally) of one medical crises after another, romantic tragedies and toxicities, extreme uncertainty, horrible living situations and insane schedules, and emotional losses, I do think my Korean “3 years of Catastrophe” (although it felt like slightly more) has truly passed. And it feels damn fucking good. What happened this year seems more-or-less natural, normal tribulations of a mid-twenty something-year-old grad/med student with a lot of feelings, and I am so very grateful for that. (If I pass this final, which I’m genuinely afraid for for the first time in my life), I really do think everything will be fine.

In theme with the rush of time, the songs I’ve been listening to lately have been more about the vibe than the lyrics; more of an intense, fleeting sentiment rather than a deep, heavy rumination of the lyrics.  It’s been the kind of songs that zip by as you just bop your head running errands (or more rarely, study) or do some silly squiggly dances to as you rush to a social gathering/ meeting that will inevitably wreck you. Which is in a bit of a contrast to my previous posts. I think it makes a lot of sense given my state of mind. This is really the way I prefer myself to be—although, it’s hard for me to maintain long-term. Unfortunately, I’m often in this state only when I’m not dealing with real things, or issues of consequence in my life. But maybe one day, I’ll feel light and superficial even as real shit occurs. Not sure whether I want that, but just saying, maybe.

I was exalted when I discovered myself singing These Days by Mike Stud in my head, cause my very rare (if I do say so myself), horrible taste in a random ass song hits again. It brings me such giddiness. It’s Girls Love Beyonce and Drake 2.0. I don’t know if “Stud” is his real last name, but the brute tackiness and appropriateness of the name makes me snort. This song, which strikes me as having very low production value, maybe unironically, sums up “these days” for me very well. I love how non-committal he is, how he contradicts himself constantly, how he sounds like he’s just singing from a makeshift home studio in a garage that doubles as a bedroom cause it has a mattress on the floor, but is still so confident with it.

These Days- Mike Stud

Hell nah I ain't sleep today but I'mma be okay Miss my family on the east, but fuck it I can't leave L.A (It’s funny how I also miss my family on the east, just so much further)

Like, what's next, what's that, what's up I just wanna chill, drink, smoke, fuck Somehow you hot as hell but still cold as fuck

Bad bitch my only type, independent too, get it boo Just promise me you won't let all the bullshit they say get to you

I've been doing great I guess I can't complain I don't think about yesterday Every move is calculated, this shit ain't no guessing game

How many come ups until it's destiny How many come ups until it's meant to be I hear them talking, that don't get to me That ain't shit to me, same dude, different dream This is me

If you really wanna know, these women, man they come and go Cause one minute she's the one, the next you really never know

With so many things, I feel like they come and go. Time has been crazy, and it’s really beginning to feel like I’ll just really never know what’s in store. Not in any dramatic or negative way. I think before, when life was throwing shit curveballs, I (may have) thought once that stopped happening, I might be in a “stable place.” At least, I yearned to have some certainty in life. I’m realizing that my life is pretty stable for the first time ever, but that there still isn’t too much certainty. At least, I’ve been strongly yearning for certainty yet again these past few weeks and months (albeit in a different way than before). I’ve been thinking so much about my future, my career, my relationships for a while, and it struck me how little I know about what I want. Or how often what I want changes, but also doesn’t. It’s the most bizarre thing. I guess that’s the definition of “one minute [he/she/it] is the one, the next you really never know.” BUT, I think I’m becoming okay with that.

Another theme that has been recurrent is, I want to be bad lately (I suppose), as Mike and Still both elude to. But not actually bad—I think healthier in some regards, but bad from certain perspectives. It’s an arbitrary definition of “bad” though. I’ve always embraced being “bad” to a certain degree. As Mac says in Dunno: “She do whatever she like, and that just don’t seem right. Make people so mad, they want it so bad.” Now that I think of it, bad is such an interesting word to me. I feel like I’ve had a lot of thoughts about this before, that I can’t quite retrieve. I feel so much more emotionally stable inside though. Maybe that’s the definition of being bad to the core though, doing better when you’re doing objectively “worse” things. I’ve been feeling a bit like I have to let myself be bad to be good in certain regards—get shit done even if I don’t truly want to, try to explore these careers in a practical way, find an appropriate in. Be selfish about my time, let myself compartmentalize my indulgences to concentrated more intense, non-committal, millennial highs. There’s a certain duality to my days lately.

(But as an aside, I do think that when I’m single I’m less “wholesome.” It’s a bit of a disturbing thought, but I am less disciplined for the right reasons, less earnest for the right reasons. I always have more cravings for vices. It’s very odd because, it’s not at all like the people I’m with have less vices and prevent me from doing things, nor is it that they have SO many that I feel the need to be their savior. I just genuinely don’t think of it as much. I don’t think I’m less happy when I’m not in a relationship, since being in a relationship has often brought with it such heavy, distressing concerns, but I seem to indulge in things that I def don’t feel like I need when I’m in a relationship. I don’t like the connotations of this, but I’m noticing it so much that I’m single and also living alone again. Maybe it’s not just romantic relationships but the idea of a deep, somewhat binding relationship—since I didn’t feel this when I was in Korea. But then again, the options to indulge were much less in Korea. Honestly, I’m probably fine, I just overthink my “vices,” when they are entirely at a manageable level—but who am I kidding, I overthink always.)

A lot of the songs I’ve been listening to are disjointed, slight stream of consciousness, with a funky, breezy melody. Prime example Habit- Still Woozy:

I could let you have it You could be my habit You could be my woman, right I don't want you havin' My little one She is so bad Bad as the sun Well she break me then I fall I don't know the half of it anymore Yeah well, I could give a fuck about you She can get whatever she need Every time that she looked at me You know I felt weak in my knees

Funny how “still woozy” has been my dual state alongside (recently) extremely focused these past few weeks. I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but I vaguely vibe with it. Habits, I’ve been thinking about them a bit again. Some habits I want to break, some I’m starting up again. Sometimes I feel like I just replace one habit for another—and despite the textbooks, I think it’s very effective for me. Don’t we all need a habit? (throwback to Andre and his “habit to call”) But maybe I just don’t know the half of it anymore, and I’m saying nonsense. Despite my conclusion-less thoughts, I also could hardly give a fuck; they could really get whatever they need, it wouldn’t bother me. Finally is a strong word, but for lack of a better word I feel like finally, I’m in a good state of not caring too much; I’m just vibing and enjoying and appreciating some things in a measured way.

Too High (feat. Jesse)- Goody Grace

I love ridin' through the city with you Hear you talk about your silly issues, oh You drive me wild, oh—oh And babe, I wanna smoke and Fall asleep on your floor Tell me if you're alright Did I get ya too high? Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe And if he finds us, I swear I won't have a clue what to say

I don’t really resonate with any of the lyrics in this song (well not any—I guess I don’t resonate with the sentiments of the song) but for some reason was listening it to it on repeat. I love the slow, distinct strums of the intro, it just hits a chord with me. I love their voices, especially when they sing “Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe”. This line always makes me chuckle, cause I think of my own father, and totally do agree that that’s how he would feel about a lot of things in my life (he’s such a wonderful, kind man though, bless his heart—who I’m beginning to appreciate so much more as I grow older). They sound just so genuinely sweet and earnest as they talk about wanting to smoke with this girl they really like, which I think is such an endearingly gen Z combination. I can really tell how much he wants to smoke (with this girl) through his soulful falsetto and there’s something so comforting about a vice being so casual and sweet. Something so incredibly light about it. So little consequences. So not serious, such fleeting genuineness, and I really appreciate that right now.

Switching it up to something a bit more serious and moody, Girls in the Suburbs Singing Smith Songs (feat. G Eazy) by Goody Grace. (Lol at G-Eazy, I do like his songs but I just can’t ever take him seriously. His lyrics are just so corny a lot of the time, like middle school standard of cool). I’m quintessentially and literally a girl in the suburbs singing Smith songs on the regular, so I do feel a little targeted.

She don't hit me up anymore, no Things that were fun just ain't fun anymore, no Six in the morning I know I should go home But I'm High as fuck and the clock's screaming tick-tock Girls in the suburbs singing Smiths songs I know that it's wrong I don't know what I'm doin, but

I love how he admits that he knows singing Smith songs in the suburbs is wrong, haha. Indeed, it’s one of those activities that seem innocuous but are totally not. It’s never good if you’re belting to the Smiths as they sing Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now. And the Pixies (drunk off whiskey). I do it all the time of course. I love how new-age/throwback emo this song is.

Maybe one day it'll all make sense But I just don't know when And it feels like the end And all of my friends Said That I should get my mind off of the wrong things (I should probably tear off all my heartstrings You can’t pull them no more) Maybe one day it’ll all make sense

This is also such a real, emo sentiment that I’ve felt and feel so often. All of my friends. Too many of my friends. I do love how there’s really no conclusion to what he’ll actually do. All conjecture, because that’s really how it be most of the time. Maybe, maybe one day it’ll all make sense.

While we’re on this path of somewhat heavy inquiries, this song was my one and only for a while a few weeks back, again without any clear reason. Again, listening to the vibe of a song without really caring about the lyrics, except with the opposite emotional valence from the other songs on this playlist

Skydive II (feat. 6lack)- Boogie

You pull up with no warning, uh This the season for us growing Let's go deep in the unknown then, uh But by evening we'll be mourning You leave me with no warning, uh Look at you lettin' the cold in No, I ain't movin', I'm frozen, No, I ain't bitter, I'm broken, At least you could give me a warning

Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene? Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me? Anything, anything

You clouded my judgment, uh Talkin' bout stayin' in I blame you for being petty and Tellin' me pull up when you ain't ready and All the dates that you didn't bed me But we don't go 'cause The going out get weird and Come to the understanding We can't overcome them fears, with Without them to start clear (Haha)

But how will I know if I fell in love? You're making it cold Could've sent me a text alert Could've lit off one of them little red flares, smoke in the air Somebody somewhere noticed the color Heart starts to stutter, flutter Mother, sky, I'm listening to Young Gunna

Ugh 6lack strikes again. His lines don’t even make sense most of the time, but I feel like I get it exactly, like he gets it exactly. “Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene?/ Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me?” This reminds me of Biking by Frank Ocean. Bargaining with God or some larger being, except less intensely so. Just a little exasperation—along the lines of saying “could’ve sent me a text alert,” “tellin me pull up when you ain’t ready.” It’s the more casual, less serious version of Biking, and that’s exactly how I feel (embodied by that laughter after stating something serious). I feel like this song has been a lot of this year for me—constantly conflicting sentiments and progression of events (you pull up with no warning, we say it’s time for some growing and so we go deep in the unknown, but then you leave with no warning). But I ain’t bitter; tis still the season for us growing. I love how there’s again no real conclusion—the song literally ends abruptly, calling upon those higher beings and telling them they’re just listening to Young Gunna. I guess that’s literally me—all these thoughts and fleeting realizations, but at the end of the day I’m just listening to some tunes.

All I really got is Georgia on my mind, not really anything else. Georgia by Kevin Abstract is a little more similar to Still Woozy. A little stream of consciousness, fast pace, disjointed tidbits.

I got Georgia on my mind, ain't nobody left behind It's just me, my team, my weed, my baby's Audi parked outside Call my mom and let her know that everything is alright

Smoke and fuck, we high as hell We gon' love each other, we let the night derail Only time will tell, I'm under your spell I lay on your chest, you wonder what's next I love when you breathe, it make me reflect

I'd get my ass whipped, I learned my lesson

Smoke and fuck, I do let the nights derail a lot, I reflect. Not exactly as Abstract says, but I guess some similarities. I do call my mom and let her know that everything is alright. And I do really think it is. I definitely got my ass whipped, for sure. Hopefully I’ve also learnt my lesson too.

I finally found peace, I suck when I get it I see worth in myself, I won't run away again I'm prayin' for my friends, they prayin' this won't end But I know it does, just like all things In the end, it's just me and my mood swings

The conclusion is hilarious and amazingly apt. I do suck when I find peace sometimes. Good things and bad things all end, just like all things. In the end, it’s just me and mood swings!!! Has anything summed me up more?

Netflix and Dusse- Smino

I got a pizza on the way, bae, bae I'm tryna lay, lay Lil' lady, ayy, I brought a bouquet of the treefer And I'm feelin' like we should d-d-duck away Netflix and Dusse And if I do say so myself, that ass a creature

She make me-e-e-e-ee-e-e-e-e-----

Shawty text that, "Come swoop Better yet come soon

Yah-ga-da-be-da-mm-dye (dye, dye-dye)

Last but not least (or actually yes), an honest funky bop of how I feel. He’s basically just making funny noises and that’s me all the time. I’m so so into Smino again. He’s so smoke and chill and be funky and silly that I’m getting the wrong rep from some people, but I can’t help but be into his perfect mix of moody vs. chill vs. vibey. This absolutely inconsequential fun dissipates the confusion & seriousness & (sorta) peace of the previous tracks. It’s a tongue-in-cheek palate cleanser, and it’s exactly how I’m living my actual days.

11.26.2019/ 11.29.2019

[nilesarchives]

The Right Stuff ― CANON. (current verse)

The space they agreed upon can only last about a week because Nick promised to come to Miles’ mother’s wedding. They sneak off to break into Miles’ awful new stepdad Greg’s car and mess with his radio stations, as well as smoke the weed Nick brought. As with most other times, one thing leads to another, and they hook up in Greg’s car.

This is missing like the entire first half because it disappeared into the Chatzy void but basically they were just at the reception and Miles swiped Greg’s keys from his discarded jacket pocket. Also NSFW-ish.

Nick tried to suppress a laugh at the dig about Helen, just in case Miles wasn’t joking. “Speaking of Helen — how are her and your Dad?” He looked over at him curiously. “Are they here?” He didn’t want to stir up drama; he was just mildly curious and tended to get caught up in small talk. “We are pretty expensive.” He agreed, nodding quickly. “Adding you to the mix will just make her go bankrupt.” He teased before smiling to himself. “Guess there is…. Operation Steal Gregs Car is officially in progress now.” As they continued to walk on, he glanced at Miles in interest. “What were the themes? Was it good?” He asked, before speaking again, not giving Miles time to respond. “We’ll have to find it so we can watch it. Don’t get me wrong, I love Scout but I just don’t think she appreciates your love of Cupcake Wars like I do.” He said, seriously. “Shit man — maybe. Only I hope I don’t drive as bad as I do in GTA. Or else this might be our first and last car ride together.” He paused, grabbing the keys. “Anyway, buckle up!” He grinned as he unlocked the car and slid his way into the drivers seat. “Your wish is my command.” He looked around the car as he brainstormed ideas before brightening up a little and putting the key in the ignition to turn the radio on. “He’s never gonna know what hit him.” He busied himself with pressing random buttons on the control panel as he spoke. “Tell me what music he hates so I can reprogram his set channels.” It sounded cooler in his head, but if it were him, that would drive him crazy. “But that’s just the beginning… reach into my jacket pocket. I have a surprise for us.”

Miles shook his head. “Nah, they’re not here. They’re good, though, I guess. I dunno. I haven’t talked to Dad in a little while.” Miles sort of wished all this had happened when he was younger so he didn’t have to deal with all the angst of it now. But it is what it is. “So then we agree it is most certainly not worth it for me to marry your mom. Glad we had this talk.” He’d certainly missed these strange conversations with Nick. No one else ever made it seem so natural. “It was for, like, a wedding. It was pretty good. Not the best episode but I think we made a silent vow to watch every single one together. You’re right, though. Scout just doesn’t get it.” Miles laughed at that, settling into the passenger seat. This truly was wild. He’d never even been in Greg’s car before, and he didn’t think he ever would. But here he was. “He hates pretty much anything that’s not country so that should be easy.” He started to do just that, changing the preset stations on Greg’s car radio when Nick mentioned something in his pocket. He looked up at him curiously. Usually he’d be more wary about something like this, but he was pretty sure Nick didn’t have anything that would kill him. Curiosity got the best of him, anyway, and before he could ask he did as he was told, invading Nick’s personal space to dig through his pocket. He didn’t know what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t weed. Miles wished he could have seen the look on his own face right then. “Dude,” was all he managed at first, and then he laughed. “You should have mentioned this an hour ago!”

Nick nodded at the newfound information. “Ah, man. Well hopefully you get to talk to him soon. Hope he’s doing okay.” Nick didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject, if it was one. Bringing up Miles’ birth father while he was being cursed with a stepfather he couldn’t stand probably wasn’t the greatest conversation starter. “You’re officially ruled out as far as my future potential stepdads go. Congratulations. Crossing your name off the list ASAP.” Joking with Miles always came easy, despite the awkwardness recent events had caused between them. They always seemed to snap back eventually. “The worst episode of cupcake wars is still better than the best episode of anything else.” That probably didn’t even make sense, and held no real truth. Still, though, he didn’t expect anyone to read too deeply into the things he said sometimes. “So hard rap and top pop hits.” He stated and grinned at the radio console as he punched buttons. “I got you.” He shifted to allow Miles room to sift through his pocket, still messing with the radio stations all the awhile. Truthfully, he could have just handed Miles the weed, but that would have ruined the surprise. Finally satisfied with his work, Nick hit one of the now re-programmed station buttons and leaned back in the drivers seat. “I considered it, but I figured if I mentioned it in front of your family they’d try to take it for themselves.” He joked, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a lighter. “—You ever smoked before?”

Miles shrugged. “He’s fine. It’s not like that. We’re both just busy and not at the top of each other’s priority list.” It was true. He wasn’t hurt by it or anything. “Good to know. I removed your name from my potential stepdad list long ago. Now you’ve kind of lost your chance anyway, though.” Nick just wasn’t fast enough. “That is so true. I don’t know why we started watching that show but I’m really glad we did. It’s a blessing. I think it brings us closer together.” Really, he couldn’t pinpoint when or why it had happened, but somehow they’d developed a mutual obsession with Cupcake Wars, and Miles wouldn’t have it any other way. “Perfect. I doubt he even knows how to change it back.” Miles smiled smugly as he watched Nick change the stations. He finally settled on a station playing current hits that Miles thought he was too good for (but wasn’t), and he examined the weed in his hands while Nick spoke. “No doubt in my mind about that. So good call.” He glanced over at him at the question, raising an eyebrow. “I think you know the answer to that.” But he’d answer it anyway. “I haven’t. I’ve watched it happen enough in my life, though.” It wasn’t that he was against it or anything. It just never appealed to him as something to seek out, and it wasn’t often available to him. Right now, though, he didn’t see any reason not to. “I’m afraid I’m gonna cough up a lung, though. Maybe I’ll puke on the floor. Greg would love that.”

Nick made a noise of understanding and nodded. “Pretty easy to get caught up in your own life.” He commented, and he was just about to make a jab at him and say he knew Miles was good at doing that. But this was not the time nor place — and what slight (unjustified) bitterness Nick still felt toward him he was trying to push aside and work passed. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m your Moms type to begin with. As much as it hurts me to admit.” He joked, remembering back to all the times he joked about trying to date her years ago. He thought he was so funny when he was in High School. And he still did, but he was still low key embarrassed of his teenage self. Not that he was all that different now, but… still. “It’s because we both automatically knew it was gonna be good. It’s our show, dude. Watching it alone is ever the same as watching it with you.” He spoke, earnestly, because it was the truth. “Probably not. Hey, maybe he’ll develop a decent taste in music. So really we could be doing him a favor here.” He grinned as he turned his head to look at his friend. “I had a feeling you’d say that.” He admitted. Miles never was one to to really partake in such things, which he never minded. He figured he’d offer tonight though. After everything, Nick thought he might need it. “I guarantee you won’t cough up a lung. Your tonsils, maybe. Maybe some blood. But no lungs. You get to keep those.” He laughed again and reached out to take the already rolled joint from him. “It’s going to be harsh, so you’re going to cough a lot. So if it’s too much for you, let me know.” He instructed carefully. “I’m going to light it — and all you have to do is suck and hold it in for a second.” He paused .“But first let’s roll up all the windows… we don’t want anything getting out.”

Miles nodded. “Right. Not a big deal or anything. I stopped being pissed at him a while ago.” Being angry about it wasn’t going to do Miles any good, anyway. “Yeah, I’d have to agree with you there. She tends not to go for super skinny dudes who are, you know, friends with her son.” Miles couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was honestly ridiculous to even entertain the idea of Nick and his mother ever becoming a thing, but somehow it always came up. “You’re right. It’s good shit. It’s actually not that great a show on its own. Our commentary is the only thing that makes it bearable sometimes,” he admitted, because it was true. It really wasn’t all they made it out to be. The show itself was mediocre at best most times. But they got super into it, and honestly, it did often get pretty intense. Miles rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.” He couldn’t see that happening. Miles sighed, shaking his head at Nick’s words. “Oh God. I’m not, like, actually gonna cough up blood or anything, am I?” he asked as he eyed the joint now back in Nick’s hand. He honestly couldn’t tell if he’d been joking or not. He nodded at that, using the ancient hand crank to manually roll up the windows, because of course Greg didn’t have automatic windows. “I’m a little nervous, man.”

Nick nodded at the comment, deciding not to press it any further. He laughed at Miles’ comment about his mom, and shook his head in faux disappointment. “I’m heartbroken. I’d say she’s missing out, but that’d be a lie. We all know it’s the other way around.” He joked. Miles should know by now he wasn’t serious about it. Especially after all that had happened lately. Rolling his eyes good naturedly as he rolled up the window on the drivers side. A grin crossed his lips at the question. “No, dumbass. The weed doesn’t contain glass particles.” He said teasingly before softening up some. “Hey, it’ll be okay. It’s everyone’s first time sometime. And I’ll be right here if you don’t like it or it’s too much.” He reminded him before lifting the lighter to spark the end of the joint. “Do you want the first hit, or would you rather me show you first?”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Yes, Nick, we all know that.” His mom totally was a catch. He wasn’t wrong there. Miles put his hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt by the insult. “Ouch. No need for name-calling here.” He knew Nick was only kidding, of course, and that was only confirmed when he lightened up and actually started to ease Miles’ fears about the whole thing. It really wasn’t a big deal, but honestly…he was just a weenie. “Okay. Don’t get mad if I cough on you or something.” He watched with wide eyes as Nick lit the joint. He licked his lips as he watched, then reached out to take it from him. “I’ll try.” He was feeling adventurous, clearly. It felt foreign in his hand, and he eyed it for a few moments before bringing it up to place it between his lips. He tried not too think too hard as he inhaled. Immediately, as Nick had warned him, it overwhelmed him. He started coughing almost instantly. As he tried to catch his breath, letting out a few more coughs to clear his throat, he thrust the joint back toward Nick. “How the fuck is this supposed to be enjoyable?” he asked, his voice rough from the strain of all the coughing.

Nick snorted at the response. They’d always joked around like this, and he could admit to himself that he missed it. He missed hanging out with him. “Eh, you’ll get over it.” He shrugged. “You cough on me, I’ll sneeze on you so it’s fair, alright?” He handed over the joint to him silently, quirking an eyebrow as Miles said he’d go first. Maybe he should have instructed him or something, but before he knew it his friend was inhaling the smoke. As he started to choke, he darted a hand out to clap down on his shoulder, slightly concerned even if he knew he’d be okay. “Give it a minute.” He coaxed as he took the joint back and brought it to his lips with his free hand, holding it in his lungs for a brief moment before letting it exhale. “You’re gonna feel it, trust me. You’ll barely even notice the sore throat.”

Miles figured that was fair enough. He hardly even noticed Nick take a hit because he did so quickly and without a sound other than his inhaling and exhaling. Miles wondered how long it took to get to that point, but he wasn’t going to ask. Plus, if he spoke again, he’d probably start coughing. He wasn’t really feeling any different, but he wasn’t sure how long it was supposed to take. “What’s it supposed to feel like?” he asked. He barely even noticed Nick’s hand still on his shoulder. “Should I try it again or give it a minute?’ He was honestly completely clueless here. He thought he’d know by watching other people, but clearly that wasn’t the case.

Nick knew Miles was new at this, but he couldn’t help but grin slightly at the reaction. What a proud moment. His best friend was smoking weird for the first time. Nick wasn’t sure if he should feel bad for corrupting him or be glad that he tried it with him first. So he settled on just being mildly amused. "Don’t try it again. I don’t wanna overwhelm you. Give it time to settle.” He instructed as he angled his body to face him a little better. “It’s supposed to feel like… I don’t know. Like you’re completely relaxed. And your head feels fuzzy, but you still feel good.” It was the sort of thing that he’d just have to experience himself. “Are you okay?”

Miles nodded. That made enough sense to him. “Okay.” He’d thought it was going to be an instantaneous thing, but it seemed to be a little more gradual. He figured he was starting to feel a little bit different after a few moments, especially as Nick explained what it was supposed to be like. He was pretty sure he was feeling a little more relaxed. But that could have all just been in his head. “Yeah, I’m okay. I…think I feel different.” He sighed. Though he couldn’t see the excitement in the whole thing, he was at least glad he had Nick with him. “Thanks for this. I guess it’ll be kinda cool to at least say I tried it.”

Nick laughed slightly in response. “Hey, even if it’s not your thing, now you know.” He had a sneaking suspicion it wasn’t Miles’ thing, judging from the look on his face. “You’re welcome. Plus, if Greg knew we were doing this, it’d piss him off so bad. So that makes it all worth it, right?” He let the joint dangle from his other hand, his right still resting on Miles’ shoulder absentmindedly. His words died off and it fell silent for a moment before he spoke again, voice quieter than before. “Are you really okay? About the wedding?”

Miles shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He didn’t think he’d be doing this again. At least, he wouldn’t go seeking it out. Maybe if Nick brought it up again in the future. He tended to make stupid decisions with Nick. “That’s true. And that’s the beauty of all of this, right?” he asked, gesturing around him to the car they were still sitting in. Greg would probably somehow find out. At that, Miles turned to look at him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about this. Not now. He shook his head, turning away. “I’m fine, Nick. Please, just–don’t make this something it doesn’t need to be.” He appreciated the concern, though. Nick was the only person who ever really gave a shit what he was thinking. He just didn’t have the energy right now to get into it. He turned back to meet Nick’s eyes again. “Are you okay?”

Nick nodded in agreement. “Right. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’m always up for some harmless revenge.” He smiled at Miles briefly before the conversation melded into something more serious. “I’m sorry —” He cut himself off, going quiet as he contemplated what to say. He didn’t want to make him talk about something he wasn’t comfortable with. “I’m not trying to. I just… you know you can talk to me, right?” He looked up to meet Miles’ eyes. “You can talk to me.” He repeated, not knowing what else to say without pushing too hard. But then Miles was turning it back on him, and it startled him. “I’m fine.” He said automatically, not quite sure if that was true or not, but this conversation wasn’t about him. “I wouldn’t be here with you if I weren’t fine.”

Miles sighed. Here they went again, getting way too real without actually meaning to. “Don’t apologize.” Nick kept on reiterating that he could talk to him, but Miles wasn’t sure if that was true. Talking about things led to bad choices with them, mostly because neither of them really knew how to handle their feelings – whatever those feelings were. “I know,” Miles replied anyway. The way Nick spoke to him made Miles doubt that, somehow. He thought that maybe being with him was hurting rather than helping. It was for Miles, at least; he was still feeling confused, despite being happy to be reunited with his best friend. “You sure about that?” he asked quietly, raising an eyebrow at him. “I think we’d be somewhere else entirely if you were fine.” Probably inside right now, dancing together, or something people who could be honest with themselves did. But they were here instead, playing games. They were good at that.

Nick knew he should stop talking. He knew saying too much or letting get the topic get too serious was a bad idea. But he couldn’t seem to help himself; he wanted Miles to know he still cared. At the remark, Nick let the hand resting on Miles’ shoulder fall off. “You know that’s not fair.” His voice was quiet, and he tried not to show that it actually stung. Because he knew he was right. His chest feeling heavy, he exhaled slowly before saying something he probably really shouldn’t. “I’m here because I missed you.”

Miles knew he probably shouldn’t have said it. But so far, dancing around certain subjects had gotten them absolutely nowhere. Even if he didn’t say it out loud, Miles would still be thinking it, so he figured he’d rather just come right out and say it in the name of being honest with him. “I’m not…saying you should come out or anything like that. That’s not what I meant,” he clarified. “But you’re not fine.” He was taken back by that. No matter how many times he heard it, it still hit him just as hard. He’d missed him too, so much, after only a week, and that meant something to him. “Does it even make a difference if I say I missed you too?”

Nick felt his chest constrict and his shoulders tense as Miles spoke. Guilt, regret, and panic seemed to settle in all at once. “Well, what do you want me to say?” He remarked, unable to hold himself back. “No, Miles, I’m not fine. I’m actually pretty shitty?” He stubbed the joint out on the surface next to the cup holder, letting it fall there after it was no longer lit. He’d clean it up later, maybe. “Would that make you feel better? Would that help anything?” He shouldn’t feel this bad. He shouldn’t have missed him this much. And he most definitely should not be talking as freely as he was now. “You know I’m not fine.” He swallowed, trying to keep at least some of the emotion at bay. “But you also know that I care.” He shook his head to himself. “It always makes a difference.” Even if it shouldn’t.

Miles looked down at his lap, because he didn’t know where else to look while he gathered his thoughts. He wasn’t meaning to put Nick on the spot like this, but Miles of all people wasn’t going to judge him for who he was, and they’d be stupid to pretend that nothing was still going on here. “I want you to be able to be honest with yourself even if you can’t with everyone else. It’s me, Nick. Things aren’t just going to go back to normal between us like magic and you know it.” He’d say it was the weed making him suddenly want to bring all of this back into the light, but really the urge to had never gone away. Nick was right; Miles knew that he cared. And Nick knew that he cared just as much. Miles adjusted himself in his seat to face Nick completely. He lowered his eyes to look at Nick’s lips briefly before blinking back up to his eyes. “What are you thinking right now?”

Nick wished that he could be completely honest, just like he wished he could kiss him when he wanted and not care who saw or what anybody thought. He wished he could want him without feeling guilty, when he should be wishing that they could go back to being just normal friends. Nick hadn’t wanted things to get out of control, but they already were. “I know that.” His throat felt thick and that’s all he could think to say. “But talking only makes us worse. I don’t want us to get worse.” He didn’t miss how Miles’ eyes dropped down to his lips. He found himself doing the same, his words (not for the first time) contradicting his actions. “Something I really shouldn’t.” He said, a bitter sort of laugh escaping him as he shook his head. Internally debating with himself, his desires quickly won over rational thought. Talking made things worse, but this would make things even more complicated than they already were. But it was hard when he was so close, when Nick knew he wanted him too. It was too hard. So despite knowing this was a mistake, Nick reached out to clasp his hand over Miles’ shoulder once again. Only this time, it was to steady himself as he leaned forward to press his lips against his best friend’s.

Miles shook his head. “I don’t see how it can get any worse than lying about the way we feel.” His kept his voice low, as if this was all some big secret. It wasn’t, and it never was; they just forced it to be that way. At least now, Nick was being honest with him. Miles knew what he meant before he even took action. But as always, the hand on his shoulder and Nick’s face suddenly coming toward his own made his heart beat faster, even if he’d been expecting it to some extent. Without thinking twice about it, Miles’ own hand came up to the back of Nick’s neck, almost like he was afraid that he’d pull away if Miles didn’t keep him there. They were going to regret this because everything was going to go to shit again. No matter how many times they discussed how stupid it was, they’d always find a way to make it weird again. But for right now, Miles would just pretend that that wasn’t the inevitable outcome.

Nick wanted to agree with him, but he couldn’t help but feel like it could and would get worse. But right now, at that moment, he was willing to ignore the consequences. “Sometimes it’s easier to lie than it is to deal with the truth.” He didn’t mean to say that, but at least that was the truth. Words were quickly forgotten as their lips met and Miles’ hand was grasping onto the back of his neck. He leaned in closer, the hand sliding from Miles’ shoulder to the side of his neck. He didn’t want to let go. The seat was separating them, but he tried his best to bring Miles as close as he could, responding with more urgency now that the kiss was reciprocated.

Miles didn’t even want to think about what Nick had said. He was right, of course it was easier. But that didn’t mean they should. Similarly, it was much easier to forget what was going to happen after this was over than to think rationally about it. So that’s just what Miles did, casting those thoughts of what was to come aside, focusing solely on Nick and how good it felt to be close to him like this again. He wanted to climb over to his side already just to be closer, but the size of the car made that kind of impossible. He had to think on his feet because he didn’t want this to have to end so fast. He pulled away just enough to look at Nick’s face. “You’re not gonna run out on me because of work again, are you?” he teased, and then he smiled. Before Nick could even respond, Miles reached into his pocket to get his phone. “Gimme a second — you should get rid of the joint,” he said, a bit absentmindedly. He didn’t want anything to distract them this time, so he figured background music would help them drown out everything else. If everything was going to go to shit after this, they might as well make the absolute most of it.

Nick nearly let a noise of disappointment escape him as Miles’ pulled away, even though the kiss had to end sometime. He looked at him, almost confused, until he understood why he’d pulled away. It wasn’t to end it, thank god, because Nick didn’t want to have to stop until they had to. “No, if they call me I’m quitting.” He said, joking, but also just a smidgen serious. “Good idea. I don’t want to leave it for Greg to find. He might like the surprise.” He saw him take out his phone, and Nick wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, but he wanted to find out. After dusting the ashes away with his sleeve and grabbing the joint, Nick stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. After collecting himself, he made sure the joint was outside before safely tucking it in his pants pocket. Turning back to the car, he noticed Miles was now in the backseat. Now is the time where he should back out and leave. But he was already in too deep. Opening the car door, he joined his best friend in the back, turning to face him as he did so. “The evidence is gone. We’re good.” He wanted to kiss him again already, but he didn’t want to be too eager. “So…what’s up?”

Miles scrolled through his phone, barely even noticing that his hands were shaking slightly. Whether it was from nervousness or excitement he didn’t know, but it was likely a combination of both. Nick had that effect on him. He finally found the playlist he was looking for, one that he and Nick had made together one day, composed entirely of songs they both loved and some that one insisted be on there anyway. He connected his phone to the aux cord and let the playlist start on shuffle. He tried not to think about the fact that a New Kids on the Block song was the first to play as he climbed into the backseat. There was much more room back there, and a lot less of a chance for something to go wrong (despite how wrong this all was already). He watched Nick join him in the back, and he refrained from rolling his eyes at Nick’s words. He didn’t respond at first, instead moving to remove his jacket. He decided in that very moment that tuxes had way too many layers. “Stop talking,” Miles told him before reaching for the collar of Nick’s shirt to bring their lips together again. He’d be damned if he was going to let him stall and return to their back and forth bullshit again.

Nick faintly registered the familiar song on in the background, and realized that’s what Miles had been doing while he was outside. It was hardly surprising, honestly. If he’d thought of it he would have turned some music on too. He supposed it was only appropriate that this was their playlist. And one of their mutual favorite songs. All of that was an afterthought as Miles began to remove his shirt before bringing him in for a kiss, though. Nick didn’t need to be told twice. Unable to help but smile against the others lips briefly, his hands made work of removing his own shirt and jacket. Nick deepened the kiss, leaning into him while he unbuttoned everything as quickly as he could. They were definitely going to make the most of their time.

Miles had been right, which sort of really pleased him; the music really was helping. It filled the space around them, making it much easier to get lost in each other without having to worry about anything outside of what was happening between the two of them in that very moment. Miles took it upon himself to finish Nick’s job for him, pushing his shirt off his shoulders and discarding it on the floor of the car. He’d never truly been able to appreciate Nick’s body because that was creepy as a friend and this weird more-than-friends thing didn’t often leave room for that, so he took a moment to break the kiss and take it all in. It really was no wonder Miles couldn’t help himself around him. He leaned back in the seat, trying to adjust the way they were to fit in the small space. It was hard, but definitely doable. He reached up with one hand to thread through Nick’s hair, pulling him back down to kiss him again. This was certainly faster than he’d expected, but if they stopped to think about it, it would just get worse.

Nick happily helped Miles in the removal of his own clothes, shrugging his shirt off to the floor of the car before busying himself with trying to remove Miles’ shirt. Fingers slightly fumbling in his haste (and somewhere in his mind he might just be a little nervous too), Nick didn’t move away from their kiss until he had too. He took a sharp intake of breath as he noticed Miles looking at him. And while Nick was used to people staring at his naked body almost daily, none of those people had ever been Miles. And while sometimes the staring made him uncomfortable, this time he didn’t. It only spurred him on further; quickly working to pull his friends shirt all the way off to join his own on the floor. It was a little dark, but he still took a moment to admire the others body. He slid his hands over his chest and down to his stomach — his eyes following along until something on Miles’ arm caught his eye. Raising an eyebrow in surprised, he halted all movement in order to zero in on the picture on his friends skin. “Miles. What the hell is that on your arm?” He couldn’t help the amusement from seeping into his tone, despite the situation.

Miles noticed the way Nick’s breath hitched at Miles’ gazing, and he thought maybe he’d made it weird. But then Nick was doing the same to him and Miles had a similar reaction. He realized it was just as new to Nick as it was to him. Nick’s hands running along his skin made Miles shiver. His eyes darted down to watch his movement. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Nick spoke, and Miles let it out as he raised his head to look at him again. Shit. He’d completely forgotten about that. Miles looked at his own arm where the offending tattoo was, and he frowned. “Oh yeah, that — that’s my tattoo,” he stated simply. He licked his lips, meeting Nick’s eyes again. “It’s, um, it’s Scout riding a skateboard.” He hadn’t expected to have to explain it in this exact situation, but here he was. “I was really drunk. I got it with your brother.” He sighed. “I’m not really in the mood to talk about what I did with your brother right now, though.” He emphasized his point by running his hands down along Nick’s back, pulling him close and pressing his own body up against him. He lowered his voice, getting as close to Nick’s ear as he could. “I don’t actually want to talk about anything at all.”

Nick cast his gaze completely on Miles’ arm tattoo as the other male explained himself. He couldn’t help the small grin that made its way onto his face. Subconsciously, he moved his hand up to rest his fingers on top of the tattoo, tracing it as he inspected it briefly. “Nice.” He let out a breathless sort of laugh as Miles pulled him closer to press against him. “Lets not talk about my brother at all right now.” He almost laughed, but instead he leaned down to trail kisses from Miles’ neck to collarbone. “Then don’t.” He murmured against the skin, nipping gently while his hands resumed making their way down his body. “

Miles resisted the urge to swat Nick’s hand away, because he already knew it was there, so he supposed he’d let him get all his curiosity about it out now so they wouldn’t have to talk about it again later. Hopefully he’d just forget about it. Nick’s skin felt hot against his own. Miles’ eyes closed of their own accord, overwhelmed by the overall situation: Nick’s lips and teeth grazing his skin, his hands burning Miles’ skin, and most of all, no promise of either of them stopping anytime soon. Miles didn’t know whether he should worry about that, but he wasn’t about to say anything. He wanted this; he wanted Nick. His hands found the sides of Nick’s face so that he could pull him back up to kiss him again. He knew they should stop, that they should get out of the car and pretend this never happened. But he couldn’t bring himself to.

Nick was undeniably amused by the tattoo, but in all truth he wasn’t about to say more about it at that moment. He wasn’t sure what he was doing; what they were doing. But he did know he wanted to continue. That he didn’t want to stop until they had to, or until Miles changed his mind. He leaned back in to reciprocate the kiss as his friend grabbed him by the face. His hands drifted up Miles’ chest for a moment to cup his face instinctively before he started to deepen the kiss. Deciding to try his luck, his hands drifted their way back down until they were resting on Miles’ belt, thumbs resting against his stomach, he waited until he had some go ahead to go further. As lost in the moment as he was, this was still Miles. He didn’t want to move too fast and have them awkwardly fight with each other.

Miles originally wasn’t sure where this was going to go, assuming that something would happen to stop them before things went too far like the past two times, but this time there were no distractions and he was feeling sort of dizzy because of it. This was real and all of the alarms in his head were going off, telling him this was a bad idea, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. It was Nick, and fuck if Miles had ever been able to just walk away from him. He broke the kiss, his breath catching in his throats when he realized Nick’s hands had made their way all the way down to his belt. He glanced down, feeling his heart beginning to pound in his chest, because form here there was no turning back. But he could think of no immediate reason to say no, and everything inside of him compelled him to look back up at Nick and nod silently, his arms looping around his neck, sliding a hand up into his hair once again. He’d always liked Nick’s hair, if he were being honest, so naturally he’d take this opportunity to mess it up a little.

Nick knew this was a mistake. He knew this was wrong and that he should just stop before they completely went too far. But being this close to him, with no distractions and after weeks of on and off again fighting, was addicting. At least right now he could admit to himself how much he wanted him. Right now he wasn’t thinking about the rest of the world, or the consequences. Right now, he just wanted to pretend like he was normal and that he could do this; that he could be what Miles wanted. Feeling his heart stutter in his chest at Miles’ signal to continue, Nick paused for a moment to lean down for another kiss while his hands slowly undid his belt and slid off and onto the floor. He let out a soft grunt of approval as Miles’ hands found his hair. He’d always liked his hair being messed with. The fact that it was Miles’ who was doing it was strange simply because it was new. But he wasn’t complaining about it. Cautiously, one of Nick’s hands brushed over the front of his pants, testing the waters before his hand found his zipper.

Miles expected there to be some level of hesitance within himself, even reluctance, but he found that nothing else seemed to matter now. Nothing but how Nick felt on top of him, how good it felt to be close to him in this way. He could feel all sense of self control slipping away with each passing moment. He was desperate to be closer, holding Nick’s head in place to deepen the kiss, and he let a low groan escape despite Nick’s cautious movements. He raised his hips eagerly, finding it much harder to hold back now. He pulled away from the kiss to let out a shaky breath. “Nick.” It sounded more like a sigh, but it reminded him that this truly was Nick here on top of him, kissing him and touching him in the back of his own new stepdad’s car. It was insane. He still couldn’t really believe it. Miles’ lips found Nick’s neck instead, his kisses sloppy and not very well placed, but he resolved to blame it on the drinks he’d had and the fact that he’d never wanted someone so much in his entire life. He supposed Nick wouldn’t mind.

Nick was quickly losing himself in every kiss and every touch. His heart was racing, and if he weren’t so immersed in what was currently happening he’d feel pathetic. He was used to feeling a lot of different ways during sex. Some bad and some good. But it was never quite like this. And they hadn’t even really done much of anything. Not yet. Hearing Miles say his name encouraged him enough to begin to tug the other’s slacks down his legs carefully. Eyes running over his body, Nick’s right hand found itself splayed across his friends stomach, fingertips slowly inching downwards, toying with the waist band of his underwear before beginning to bravely slide his hand under the fabric. The sloppy kisses against his neck only made him want this more, and he hummed under his breath at the sensation before angling his head for another kiss.

Miles could feel Nick’s heart beating at a similar pace as his own. It was a comfort to know that Nick was probably thinking a lot of the same things right now, though Miles would kill to know exactly what was going through his mind. If it was similar to Miles’ own nervousness and excitement and slight fear all rolled into one, though, he knew that he wanted to help him somehow, and the only way he could think to do that was by slowly brushing one of his hands all the way up Nick’s arm and ending up in his shoulder, leaving it there, mirroring how Nick had been a comfort to him just a short time ago — only then they hadn’t been half naked and going at it, but still. Miles paused when his clothes continued to come off, and let his head fall back the moment he felt Nick’s hand on him, finally. "Fuck, Nick,” he blurted without thinking about it. It was weird to him, how it could be so strange but so right at the same time, because he trusted Nick with everything he had, and yet he was still nervous, unlike how he’d been with Lily or anyone else he’d ever encountered. Nick was different in every sense of the word. Miles groaned approvingly before raising his head to meet Nick’s lips once again. Still unable to contain his downright desperation, Miles pushed his hips up once again into his hand. One hand remained firmly clasped on Nick’s shoulder while the other came to rest on his waist. He hooked his finger through a belt loop on Nick’s pants and tugged on them a bit. He wasn’t about to be the only one falling apart at the seams here.

Nick tried to relax as Miles’ hand ran up to his shoulder. This was only Miles, he tried to tell himself. But therein lied the problem. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t be nervous. But if it were anyone else, he wouldn’t want this as bad. The way his friend said his name definitely spurred him on, though, and he couldn’t help but eagerly press their lips together again. Nick’s fingers wrapped around Miles’ loosely at first, a million things racing through his head. He was touching his best friends dick, and he was sure there was about a thousand things wrong with that concept, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He let out a small groan in return when he felt Miles’ tug on his belt. And with his free hand, he reached down to assist him, trying to take off his own belt the best he could.

Miles didn’t know if he should be more calm about the fact that this was someone he knew so well. It was a lot more nerve wracking instead, which was strange in a way. But he didn’t really want to spend too much time thinking about it. He tried to focus on removing Nick’s belt like he wanted to, but there were a hundred things going through his mind at once. He rocked his hips up steadily while attempting not to break the kiss. He finally removed his hand from Nick’s shoulder so both could focus on the belt and throwing it to the floor with the rest of their discarded clothes. This was so wrong on so many levels, he kept thinking to himself, but that didn’t stop him from pulling away from the kiss to look down and unbutton and unzip Nick’s pants with fumbling hands, moving faster than his brain could keep up. He shoved them down as far as he could from his position, desperation taking over completely. He tugged on Nick’s arm so that he could make space to pull Nick’s body flush against his again instead. Wanting to keep his hands busy, he had one on the small of Nick’s back, pulling him closer as he rocked up into him again, his other hand grabbing the first thing he could find: Nick’s hand. He found himself entwining their fingers without thinking twice about it, raising their hands up above his head to rest on the seat under him. It just felt like something he should do, so he did it, because clearly there was no time for rational thinking here.

Nick felt like everything was happening too fast and too slow at the same time. He could feel Miles’ hands all over his body; leaving his skin feeling hot. The second the other man helped him push down his jeans and pressed closer to him, he was gone. His fingers curled around Miles’ own without a second thought, leaving their hands clasped on the seat below them. With his other hand, he slid it out from under Miles’ underwear only to try to push them down. Chest heaving slightly, he leaned back to look at his friend for just a moment, before completely making up his mind and leaning back down to trail kisses downward. There was no going back now.

Miles felt…different when it was over. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but it wasn’t particularly good, either. He just felt weird. Off. He took a few moments to catch his breath before it really hit him what had just happened, that he’d slept with his best friend in the back of a car — his stepdad’s car, at that. He didn’t know what to make of it. Before he knew it, he and Nick had silently moved away from each other and were working on sorting through their previously removed clothes. Miles was already trying to block it out, all the things he had said. He couldn’t tell if his face was just flushed because of the physical exertion or the fact that he’d said “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about this” in Nick’s ear at some point. He shuddered at the thought, suddenly moving way quicker to shove his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and fix all the buttons. He glanced over at Nick, who suddenly felt miles apart from him, and swallowed, his dry throat stinging as he did. “I-I don’t…” He wanted to say something, anything, to break the tension, but he didn’t know where to start. “We should get back inside,” he finally blurted without even thinking about it. He immediately felt stupid for saying it, though, because going back in together looking like this would surely raise questions. And besides, Miles couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Nick knew it hadn’t been a mistake to go through with it. He knew it wasn’t a mistake that he’d wanted him. But when it was over, it sure felt like one. The whole thing felt good; better than he thought he’d felt in a long time. And afterward, they’d even had a few short lived moments of peace. But they were just that. Short lived. Soon, they were both pulling on their clothes in complete silence. Nick couldn’t bring himself to even look at him, and judging by the coldness he felt from the others end, he knew Miles was probably having the same issue. “You go.” He cleared his threat and tried to sound natural, even though he wasn’t fooling anybody. “I have to go home. Check on Murphy.” It was a complete excuse, and Nick felt dirty for it. Guilty. But what else was he supposed to do? Go inside and pretend like nothing ever happened? He couldn’t do that, because both of them knew something did happen. And this time, it wouldn’t be as easy to brush off as a kiss was. “I’ll see you later though, yeah?” He said numbly, buttoning up his shirt. He almost wanted to laugh at how pathetic his words sounded to his own ears. Almost. “You can tell me how the reception was.”

Miles’s blush deepened and he looked back down again, fixing his pants and trying to look presentable enough to go back inside. He knew Nick was right that he should go. This had been a bad choice and now they were going to have to face it — but this was the worst time in the world, because Miles still had an entire wedding reception to sit through. He picked up his jacket and slung it over his arm instead of putting it on, then leaned into the front seat to retrieve his phone and Greg’s keys. He didn’t know what else to say. He kept avoiding eye contact while he opened the door and climbed out. The air hit him and was almost dizzying after being stuck in the car for so long. At Nick’s statement about seeing him later, Miles froze. He didn’t even know how to respond to that. When would he actually see him again? “Okay,” was all he said in response, because there was nothing else he could say. All he knew now was that he wanted to be away from Nick, as bad as that sounded, at least for now. He wanted extended family members to buy him drinks until he couldn’t see straight, and he wanted to try and be happy for his mom. He looked at Nick, thinking he should say something else but not quite knowing what, before simply turning on his heel and heading back toward the building to go inside. He had to put on a show now, had to face his mom on her special day, feeling something indescribable the whole time. He didn’t regret it. But he still knew they shouldn’t have done it.

Nick could feel the tension between them grow with every passing moment. While just moments ago, they’d been on the same page, now it’s like they were strangers. Briefly, he felt Miles look at him, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to look back. Nodding, mostly to himself, he finished dressing and stepped out of the car. His own car keys and other items were still stuffed deep in his pockets, and he had to rifle around until he found his keys, but as soon as he did he was off in search of his own car. He had no reason to stay.

[fanfiction-for-me]

Party in the House

It was a very busy afternoon in the Rad Youth residence, because that night we were having the first party that would introduce us to the world of music and Rock n' Roll. Every notorious band and solo artist we could think of was invited, and the disco room in our estate was set ready to have the time of our lives that night.

Why were we throwing a party, you wonder? Well, little more than a year ago ago we came together as a band when we found Davie on a Café playing guitar and singing. We immediately knew he was the one we were missing and he was integrated as the bassist. Sass and I already had some success and money from selling pastries and sweets back home, enough to move to the US and try to make it here (Ah, the ‘merican dream). It was always our life-long desire to form a band together, and every choice in our lives we had taken to achieve this.

Well, back to the story: after finding Davie and together with our incredible drummer Lila we worked our asses off like never before. It was pretty fucking hard and much tears, sweat and blood had been shed, but eventually we created something we were so proud of. After that we could only pray we get signed for a record deal, which eventually (another 3 horrible months of surviving on instant ramen), we did. What happened after was so unreal. Our debut single blew the fuck up; everyone wanted something from us, people worldwide went crazy overnight... We had made it! Soon we were building our humble home in L.A. at the same time we recorded our debut album. Everyone expected greatness and needless to say, we delivered. Our album sold billions of copies worldwide the first week of its release... something truly incredible for newbies such as us. And that brings me back to now: half a year into the craziness and we start touring in two days... so we’re throwing a party!

I still couldn't believe that less than a year ago Lila, Sass and I were looking for a bassist and a record company to get signed in and now we are a very famous and recognized rock band. Our luck was too much; we were still trying to get used to the whole fame thing and it was already happening. People screamed when they saw us walking on the street and asked us for pictures and autographs, our favorite bands knew who we were and wanted to meet us at our party and there were billboards of our tour on the streets and pictures of us in magazines. 

I was currently in my room, thinking about all this and trying to find a dress that would make me look even more gorgeous than I already am, with Sass, who was looking for some matching earrings for her outfit. I finally find this low-shoulder, long-sleeved bubble gum pink dress that was up the knee and splattered with black paint around the hem. It went just perfect with my hair, and I knew exactly the shoes I was going to wear: my high-heeled combat boots.

"Yo, Sass, look here, you like?" I grinned wide at her as I held the dress from the hanger and waved at it dramatically with my free arm.

"Cool dude", Sass laughed and gave me the thumbs up. "This party is gonna be mega epic"

I went inside my closet to put on the dress and talked loudly so Sass would hear me. "I know! Hopefully all the bands we invited come"

"Of course they will bro, everybody wants to meet us; we are like, the lucky noobs in the business"

"Yep, you're right. I'm worried though" I said as I walked out smugly out of the closet with my dress. "Ta-da", I turned as I wiggled my eyebrows at Sass.

"Be-ah-u-tiful my dear" she approved, "but why are you worried?"

"Well-", I walked over to my toilet case and started to take out makeup, the blow dryer, hairspray, earrings... "I dunno, I'm just afraid that I might not be able to contain my excitement and look like a fangirl around them. What if I like, spit my drink when I see Beyoncé, or squeal when Jared Leto walks into the room?" I violently brushed my hair to untangle it, and looked back in panic at Sass from the mirror.

"Oh, you're right. But, I guess we'll be fine. I know I'll probably cry when I meet My Chemical Romance, but you shouldn't worry about meeting 30 Seconds to Mars because you've already seen them in person before. You were paralyzed, but at least you were not going crazy. And if you do go crazy this time, you can fix it." Sass paused and I still looked at her a little uneasy. I'm still not sure if I can keep my fangirly-ness in control tonight.

"We are famous now, Chelita. I bet they will take the time to actually talk with us and hear what we've got to say to them, and not only because of that, but also because we are the hosts of the party, remember? So chill, and go crazy if you want to because I bet that even after that they'll think you are awesome."

I smiled at Sass. She could be overly sarcastic sometimes, but right now she was being honest. "Thanks dude, guess I will be able to handle it"

"Any time my dear". I just finished applying my lip gloss, when Lila and Davie burst into my room.

"Everyone ready to party?!" Lila screamed full lung; Davie following close behind, looking really hot.

"Fuck Yeah!" Sass replied.

"Davie! Show yourself baby" I clapped my hands and moved closer to where Davie was leaning against the wall. When I said that, Davie laughed and stood up straight, walking to the center of the room and jumping on the bed.

He was striking poses like a mad model. "What? Do I look hot today?" he asked with a fake ignorant tone, very conscious that he always looked gorgeous. We tried to not feed his ego for that reason, but today we were allowed to brag our looks because we all looked really good, and we were excited for the coming evening.

Davie was wearing a loose V-neck with cool motives which was way more expensive than you would've thought it was. He had gray aviator sunglasses on, his dirty blonde hair shining like the sun under my pink Christmas lights. His jeans were plain black and he was wearing a chain instead of a normal belt because that's how we roll. Ah, the benefits of being a rockstar: back then when we dressed this way we were looked down as weirdos but now we were setting trends. People can be very stupid.

"Get your butt off my bed David" we all hit him as we laughed and he cussed.

"I thought you wanted to see me!"

"Yeah, we have plenty time for that"

Davie got off the bed and looked down at us "Your turn to model" he chortled and pulled me up on the bed.

We all showed our outfits in between laughs and loud flattering comments. I wore my pink dress and my hair loose. I used to be a brunette but right before we released our album I dyed it Barbie blonde, and just to give it attitude I added a black streak over the longest bang, the one I usually wore over my eye. I really liked the contrast my hairstyle made with my pale face and my dark eyes.

Sass and Lila also changed their look, but it wasn't as drastic as mine. Sass wore a short black studded dress over shredded thighs and combat boots, the dark attire making the purple streaks over her black curls jump out. Lila was using metallic gold shorts, a fancy blouse that had many black and white sequins under an electric blue leather jacket which contrasted beautifully with her pixie orange hair, and of course combat boots. We love combat boots. Even Davie was wearing one of his many pairs.

After we finished modeling, we went downstairs to check everything was okay. The party area looked awesome; the ceiling was covered in disco balls and stage lights of every color. People were still setting the buffet, which was mostly fancy and tasty snacks, and an ice sculpture of the logo of our band stood huge over the center of the long table. The DJ was already playing some test music and the sound of it reverberated throughout the near rooms, making our chests thump to the rhythm of the bass. The bartender looked like he had everything set too. Elegance and Rock n' Roll was our theme; black and red roses that matched with the table mats and chair bows; the dance floor was wide and speckled over with glitter and petals.

In conclusion, everything was perfect. We were chilling around the busy party crew, waiting for our guests who will soon arrive, when the doorbell rang. We all froze for 5 seconds before running to see who was at the door. Our butler Sebastian opened it and it was our manager, Tom Kafer. We all groaned simultaneously, expecting it to be someone famous, but when we watch the door again, Kafer is waving someone in... Lady Gaga?

"Oh my God!" "Holy shit!" "I’m gonna flip!"

We were going nuts; Lady Gaga was in our house! But before we could get used to the fact she was there, Beyoncé steps in with Jay-Z. Then Rihanna. Then Adele. And Bruno Mars.

Aweeesome. I never thought I'd get to see these performers in real life, much less in our own home. We were still looking at the arriving guests in wonder when Kafer made us snap out of it.

"Guys, guys, guys!" he clapped on our faces until we looked at him. He looked pissed (as he does). "What are you doing here sneaking glances like little children? You're supposed to be in the room waiting for your guests and introducing yourselves! Move guys, quick, before they come in; move!"

We moved into the room in a daze. We could hear it was getting crowded by the minute inside. The stars started to come in and we introduced ourselves. Most of them seemed genuinely interested in meeting us, smiling and congratulating us for being "the next big thing at such a young age". Others even looked starstruck by us which was... strange. Soon, there were so many celebrities that we had to split in order to give them the proper attention.

I could see Davie was near the bar talking with Taylor Momsen, Lila was concluding with Katy Perry and Sass was welcoming Adam Lambert. I had just finished letting Fall Out Boy in, so I went over to Lila, who had already finished with Katy.

"So far so good, huh?" I nudged her arm with my elbow as we both contemplated the scene in front of us.

"Yep, our party is pretty awesome, everyone looks like they are having fun" she said with an air of proudness, then, a little down she added "too bad our potential boyfriends probably won't be able to come"

"Yeah..." I felt sort of blue now that she reminded me of the fact that Big Time Rush, one of my favorite bands, was on tour at the moment, and although we had invited them (well, technically, Kafer did), they wouldn't be able to make it because they had a show today. The gig was right here in LA, but they still wouldn't make it after they finished.

"Well, guess we'll meet them some other time... After our 6 month tour" Lila rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, hope James is still available after that" I added.

"Why wouldn't he be?"

"I have no idea, I'm just being paranoid."

"Well, don't be; I'm not. I'm pretty sure James will fall for you the minute he sees you" she teased with a wide grin.

"Ha-ha, you're right, and I bet Kendall will also think you're hot!" I laughed, "too bad they won't see us all dressed up and beautiful like we are now"

"Who knows? Besides, dressed up or not, we always look good cuz we are good looking" she concluded. Lila was right, we are hot. Who wouldn't like a pretty Latina girl? Well... I didn't actually look like a Latina much as Sass did, even less now that my hair was blond, and our spanish accent was only slightly noticeable (studying in a bilingual school for 15 years and then go out to live on the US does that to you).

Lila and I were wondering what song our Big Time Rush prospects could be performing when I almost fell backwards as I saw who was entering the room.

"30 Seconds to Mars!" I screeched and waved my hands frantically over my face. My favorite band was here to see us! Jared Leto, Shannon Leto and Tomo Milicevic entered the room with the confidence only a rock band as successful as them could have. I wish one day we will be like that.

"You have to go and talk with them!" Lila pushed me over in their direction and I almost fell over in my heels, but I managed to balance. I checked myself in my pocket mirror already knowing I looked cute; I did, and with that I walked over to the guys that had inspired me to dream bigger than I've ever imagined I could. I just hope my voice doesn't crack because my lungs feel empty on air.

"H-Hi" I uttered and, dammit, it didn't come out as steady as I wanted.

"Hello there" Tomo, the guitar player said and I almost squealed again.

"Um, I'm Michelle Oviedo the lead singer of Radioactive Youth... I-I'm a great admirer of your work, you have no idea- you-"

"We know who you are" Shannon said with an amused smile.

"You-you do?" my idols knew me? Oh, right! I'm famous... I didn't know they listened to my band though...

"Yes, and we are also admirers of your work. You've got a fine voice right there" Jared winked and signaled nonchalantly at me, but always serious and professional, and, holy hell, Jared Leto said he likes my voice!

"Wow, I don't know what to say and I wish I could stop blubbering because there are so many things I want to tell you and I just don't know what to start with because I love you so much and-"

"How about we start with a hug and then we can go sit and talk?" Shannon suggested, and with that I threw my arms around him and hugged him hard. 

Soon I sensed two other pair of arms wrap around me. It felt like that feeling you get when you finally get to your house after a long trip: at home and at peace. I swear I could've cried right there but I didn't want them to think I was weirder than they probably already thought I was, hugging them like a dork and shit.

I spent the next hour gone from the rest of my band and the party, talking with my life heroes about music, our lives and any trivial theme that came in the conversation. I couldn't appreciate what was happening around me because I was having such a great time with 30 Seconds to Mars. They were so funny and even greater than I thought they were. When I finally looked up, curious to know what my bandmates where doing, I could see they were probably having as much fun as I was.

Davie was chilling with the guys of Metallica... Metallica? Whoa, even they were here? Cool, though they look a little intimidated with Davie's over-excitement; poor guys. And holy shit, Sass was laughing at something with the guys of My Chemical Romance! They are Sass' favorite band and one of mine's as well; I'll make sure I go and say hi before the party ends. Lila on the other hand was... Where was she? I can't see her anywhere. Maybe she went to the bathroom or-

"MATE." someone painfully jabbed their fingers at both sides of my waist and with that I knew who it was.

"Oh, God! You know I hate that! I was looking for you, the guys here were-" I gestured to my favorite band before being interrupted.

"Mate!" Lila looked at me wide eyed and solemn.

"What?"

"Big Time Rush" she said unnerved.

"What? No, that can't be; they are in a show, you're seeing stuff-"

"Then who are the guys that are standing there on the doorway?" Lila signaled urgently at the entrance, an expression of lucidity and anxiety combined on her face. Over by the door were Logan, Carlos and our "future boyfriends", Kendall and James; shy expressions on their faces as they studied the space crowded with celebrities.

"How the-?"

"I don't know and I don't care either; they are here and we need to go and talk to them!" Lila grabbed me by my arm and almost dragged me with such a force that always made me wonder how something so tiny has such strength!

"I'm sorry, we need to go and see- you know, they-" I didn't know what to say actually. "I'll be back, just-"

"Go get that boy" Jared winked; smiling suggestively, while Shannon beamed, wriggling his eyebrow and Tomo cackled like a hyena at his expression. How the hell did Jared know I have no freaking idea (am I that obvious?).

I let Lila drag me to where the four good-looking fellows stood up, probably looking for a seat in the crowded place. Before we reached them and they could see us I stopped her. "Wait- how do I look?" I was nervous and insecure all over again. Most of the times I acted over confident and extroverted, because that's how your ideal lead singer should be, but deep inside I was still the shy awkward girl I've been trying to hide and tonight she was coming out pretty often. That made me feel frustrated.

She rolled her eyes "Great, beautiful, whatever; let's go!"

"Don't you want to know how you look?"

"Why?"

"To cause a good impression on Kendall"

"Chelle, they will think we are cute, believe me. And I'm pretty sure I look good; common, I'm wearing a decent outfit today and I have makeup on!" Lila looked at me with an impatient face and I decided to agree even though I was still not sure.

"Yeah, you're right"

"Okay, deep breaths mate and try not to faint".

Together we walked, trying not to fall or do die in the way, for the floor was already covered in the stickiness caused by the drinks dropped when trying to dance with them, and some of it was still wet. The lights were low and the music loud enough so that the boys wouldn't see us coming. Every step took us closer to them and made my hands colder. I could see now that Logan was talking with Kendall about something, Carlos nodding and pointing at what was probably the object of their talk, James stayed silent behind them, tapping his foot and moving his head to the rhythm of the music.

Lila cleared her throat when we were basically in front of them. "Hey, welcome to our party".

The four boys stared back at us and smiled, replying with four different enthusiastic "hey's". I was, on my part, still quiet, until Lila elbowed me so indiscreetly, that even the boys noticed.

"H-hey, um Big Time Rush? Welcome to our party, I am-"

"You're Michelle Oviedo! Better known as Chelle because that's how you like people to call you, right?" Carlos interrupted and damn, I am surprised he is equally excited to meet us than we are. Only Carlos wasn't nervous; does Carlos ever get nervous?

Taken aback, I started to talk again "Um, yeah I do-"

"I'm Delilah Carter, but you can call me-"

"Lila! Drummer right?" this time James interrupted, strong voice making me jump.

"We know who you all are" added Logan.

"We have listened to your album and it's really good" Kendall explained.

"You can't imagine how surprised we were when our manager told us we had gotten invited to your party" said Carlos.

"It's pretty cool to finally meet you"

"Everyone talks about you"

"Logan bought your album twice because I stole the first copy"

"When we saw the video of 'Rebel Generation' Kendall said that-"

Pinch me hard, someone! Was this really happening, or were the BTR guys fangirling over us (well, fanboying in their case) harder than Lila and I over them? We are trying to control ourselves but they just started bombarding us with nice comments! Well, if we did that I bet it would be less "I believe your live performances are neat" and more like "My ovaries explode every time I see you perform Love Me Love Me"; so, on the inside, I guess we are still the biggest fangirls. But we will never let them know that...

"Guys? Guys. Guys... GUYS!" Lila interrupted, looking all cheery and glowing.

"Yes?" the four answered at the same time and for a moment it felt like we were in their TV show.

"Do you want to meet the rest of our bandmates and- if you want- talk later?"

"Sounds great" and Kendall winked at Lila. She glanced back at me and mouthed something that seemed like "omigosh", and looked pretty stoked. I would've been too if James winked at me.

It was time to take action, so I moved next to Logan and James, while Lila was walking in front of us in between Carlos and Kendall. I still couldn't believe we were walking together with the guys of Big Time Rush; if I were seventeen years old again or just nine months ago and you would've told me this would happen, I wouldn't believe it. Our lives had changed so fast and we were definitely living the good life now; I'm so grateful for this moment that I'm not even wishing to be James' girlfriend or something, but just enjoying his and his bandmates' company. Besides, being his girlfriend would be too much luck and I think I already spent all the luck I have in getting to the top with my band.

Now that I was past the shock of the moment, I started to really look at the guys and I wondered... How the heck can they look hotter in real life? I mean, Kendall's eyes have always been beautiful, but here under the flickering lights of the dance floor they blazed a silvery green, and it was something hypnotizing to see. Logan's hair was lighter than I thought it was, and Carlos' smile made me want to smile as well. But James was otherworldly for me. He was everything: sexy, adorable, handsome... gorgeous. He stood a head over me and I swear all of his body was covered in muscles; gosh, he is so hot. He even smells like hotness! (Is that even possible?). It's getting a little warm inside my dress too; I just hope I don't start sweating.

I tried to distract myself by pretending I was looking for Sass or Davie, but my eyes couldn't toss the opportunity of staring at the beauty that was James Maslow, so they turned to see him only to realize that he was staring back. My dark brown eyes locked with his sparkling hazel ones for a second, before he flashed his straight white teeth in a very lovely smile. Was it possible that he was checking me out? I'd like to think maybe, after all, I am kinda cute. Even though I am still almost five years younger than him. Yeah, that's right almost five (four years and a half to be exact). It doesn't sound that weird to me though, because I am 18 and he is 22 right now, and that's not so bad, is it?

I tried to smile back, but my cheeks felt warm, so I guess I was blushing; great. Where are Davie and Sass? I'm humiliating myself here.

"Oh, there they are" said Lila. Davie and Sass where standing by the food table, talking to no one else but the guys from Black Veil Brides, and Sass kinda had a thing for the vocalist, Andy Biersack. She looked sort of annoyed at Davie though, and I bet it was because he was fanboying. Black Veil Brides is one of Davie's favorite bands.

"Let's go and say hi" I suggested. I was still ecstatic for being with Big Time Rush but that didn't stop me from being excited about meeting another band I love.

"Yo guys! These are Kendall, Logan, James and Carlos from Big Time Rush and they wanted to say hi" Lila caught our bandmate's attention and signaled to the group.

"Hello, nice to meet you" Sass replied, but I could see she was a little distracted with Andy laughing at CC's ridiculous dance moves on the background. Andy was pretty cute even though he was wearing all black and had his war paint on. It's possible, believe me, he has a baby face.

"'Sup?" Davie mumbled and turned around to slap hands with the four guys. Then, he addressed Lila and me "Hey, aren't these the guys that you were so sad 'bout that they wouldn't be able to come?"

We looked at Davie with a crazy "you are not supposed to say that in front of them" face. Seriously? Guess our secret was out now.

Lila and I could feel four pair of eyes watching us.

"We kinda like you too... We are Rushers." Lila explained.

"No way!" James grinned at both of us and I reddened more.

"Yeah way" I slurred and laughed a little. "We thought you guys wouldn't come; our manager-"

"Hey, do you have any booze here? My throat is drying up!" Andy called attention to himself with his low and loud voice.

"Sure, come with me" Sass grabbed him by the arm and took him to the bar. Nice to see she was feeling confident!

"Cool meeting you, Big Time..." Andy struggled to find the word.

"Rush" they all answered at the same time

"Oh, yeah. Bye!" and with that he left with Sass.

"Sorry about that" I told them.

"Meh, it's okay, as long as you girls know who we are, its fine" Logan winked. So it is true that he is the flirt of the band...

Carlos bumped Logan on the arm "Hey Loges, let's go and say hi to Selena" "Okay. Hope you girls don't mind being with these two dorks" he pointed a James and Kendall, who rolled their eyes at him.

"No, we're good, go and have fun; that's what we threw this party for!" Lila playfully slapped his arm and we both waved bye at him and Carlos.

Now we were alone with our Big Time Crushes.

"So... What do you want to do?" asked Lila.

"Well, I'm kinda thirsty, could we go for a drink?" suggested Kendall.

"Sure"

"James, you coming man?"

"No, thanks, I'll stay here"

I watched with dread and relief as Kendall and Lila left me by myself with the man of my dreams. We were finally alone; I'd never thought I'd actually be alone with him! But what am I supposed to do? I'm too nervous to think about something intelligent to say or ask so I'll probably stay silent until I figure something out, which will probably be in a long while and I'll bore him out and then bye bye opportunity to seduce James Maslow. All this time while I was panicking in my head, James had been answering a text, and now he was putting out his phone.

"So..." he started

"So...?"

"Cool party." James concluded.

"Yep" and thank God my brain had a question in mind, "-hey, I never knew how come you were able to arrive, I thought you had a show tonight at the House of Blues?" I was surprised that my voice came out casual. Well, it had to; after all, I was the hostess.

"We did, but it got cancelled"

"Mm, too bad"

"Yep, I was pretty excited for it. But being in your party is better, I would've been more upset if I lost this" he motioned around him.

"Really? Why?" I've got to say, I was genuinely surprised.

"Are you kidding? You're just new in this thing and you're already the rock band of the moment, or as Rolling Stone wrote 'the promise of Rock'" he made quotes in the air and chuckled.

"Right, that does sound attractive" I laughed. Did Rolling Stone really write that? "It does. Plus, I had already heard your music and I think it is really good. And I'm not a Rock type of guy!"

"Glad you like it" I smiled "Do you have any favorite song of ours? And don't say 'Rebel Generation' please, because everyone likes that song" I teased him and he chuckled at my comment; I was making him laugh, that was a sign that I wasn't boring him out so I immediately relaxed. Being with James was more comfortable than I thought it would be. I wasn't even noticing the way his lips moved when he talked, or even his large hands, or his beefy pectorals... Well, okay, I was, but which girl wouldn't?

"Well I have a few, besides 'Rebel Generation', of course" James looked at me, looking guilty as charged "' Your Sick Heart' has a great guitar solo and the drums in 'Solstice' are sick! But lately I've been obsessing with 'On my Mind'; that song is plain beautiful"

"You think so? I wrote that song!"

"You did? Well, no wonder why it's so amazing" he winked at me, and I hoped he didn't noticed how my breath came out a little shaky. That man could make my body respond in weird ways.

"Thank You" I responded modestly.

"Welcome; shall we sit?" James offered. I felt like I should tell him something about his band too, since he was flattering mine so much and also, I wanted to do it. We sat front to front on a small table that was next to a wall, far from the dance floor. For a moment we just looked at each other, smiling and shifting nervously, neither of us having something to say. Just when I was about to tell him how much I had liked their latest album, James spoke.

"I like your hair, it's unusual... and it suits you."

"Thanks, you know, I used to be a brunette..." I spoke, not really calculating why he would want to know that.

"Like me?" he questioned with a cocky grin, and as he did so, James flipped his hair with a movement of his head that almost made me start hyperventilating.

"Uh- yeah, sort of, mine was darker I think" I brushed my tips with my hands in a hurry out of a nervous habit.

"Why did you dye it?" I don't really know why would he want to know all that, but he seemed interested, so I answered.

"Well, I thought that I would need a more rock and roll-ish appearance if I was going to be in a band and I chose blond because I have always wanted to be blond for some reason; I thought it would suit me"

"It does," James agreed "but I bet you looked pretty with brown hair too"

He had me now. I didn't know how to respond to that, so all I did was grin at him and blush like the shy girl I was. James just looked at me in my eyes and smirked, a mix of self-consciousness and measured flirting. His perfect tanned face looked soft under the very faint light, and I wanted nothing more than grab him by the collar of his jacket and make out heavily with him. I instinctively bit my lip as I thought about his lips on mine. Big mistake, for we were still making eye contact. The moment I took in that, I stopped doing it, viewing down at my hands, bracelets making noise as they made contact with the table. James was almost in the same position as I was, and before I could steady myself and say something, I stared as his hands moved next to mine touching my bracelets too. If it were any other guy, I would've thought the move was totally random and weird, but since it was James Maslow, I thought it was the best thing ever, of course. My eyes moved up to his face only to see him still eyeing at me with a friendly expression. We stayed staring at each other, and just when his glare moved to my lips (which totally meant something! Right?), our golden silence was broken.

"CHELLE!"

I flinched as I heard my name and then stood up fast from my seat "What?!" to be honest, I was pissed.

"Help me! Please?"

"Excuse me for a minute James?" I said in a sweet tone that was a complete contrast to how yelled just now. James just mouthed a "sure", looking bewildered and slightly curious.

I took Davie a good 6 feet from James and lectured him "David Alexander Tscharke, I was having a beautiful moment back there with James freaking Maslow! What the shit is wrong with you, interrupting like that?"

"Whatever Chelle, I needed one of you; it's an emergency!" I have to admit, Davie did look worried... but I still wanted to kill him.

"Then why didn't you call Lila or Sass?"

"I can't find Lila anywhere; last time I saw her she was talking with a blond guy; Sass is with Andy and she told me that if I bothered her she would kill me!"

I sighed exasperated. Stupid Davie. "What's the problem?" I asked tiredly, hands on my hips. It wasn't the first time, or even the tenth.

"Well, I sort of accidentally knocked someone out."

"What the fuck Davie?" I couldn't help shouting; was he crazy? If someone heard about this it would be on the news and they would see us as a violent band! I'm also pretty sure James heard me, because I could see he was choking a little on his drink. Great, now he will think I have a potty mouth... Although I sort of do. 

"Davie, how the hell could that be accidental? Are you insane?" I whispered loudly.

"No! I swear- it really was an accident! I was on the bathroom releasin' the drinks I had taken, when this fat guy with a cam'ra comes and opens the door- I didn't knew it wasn't locked! He must've been a papzz though, cus he had a fancy lookin' cam'ra over his neck an' he snapped a picture of me! PEEIN'!

If I wasn't so mad at him, I'd laugh at what he just told me.

Davie continued his story "So my first reaction was to shoot my fist out right at his jaw, but he moved a litt'l, so the punch landed on his right temple"

"Goodness Davie, why would that be your first reaction?" that was a rhetorical question actually because I already knew the answer. Back when Davie lived in Australia, his house was located near the beach and also near the wilderness of the jungle. He had to know how to react fast to danger (specifically animals). This wasn't exactly dangerous, but it was an "act quickly" situation.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?" I couldn't find out why he would need my help.

"You're a woman, Michelle; maybe you could- I don't know- nurse him?"

I tried to give Davie my best death glare as I crossed my arms.

"Aw, common! Look, you can bring your boyfriend over there; he could help too" Davie pointed at James.

"He's not my boyfriend Davie, and in no way am I gonna ask him that!"

"Please! I need someone strong to help me move the guy; he's pretty fat!" Davie begged.

I decided to give in. After all, friends help other friends."Fine" I said curtly, and Davie punched the air in triumph. Ashamed, I made my way back to the table where James was fumbling with the edge of his glass.

"Hey, James? We need your help. Well, Davie does"

"What's wrong?" and I explained the whole story of how Davie had left a paparazzi unconscious for taking a picture of him while peeing. James snickered adorably at this, and in return Davie glared back, which made him shut up. I looked at Davie with narrowed eyes and he let it go.

"Okay then, I'll help you". We all moved together to the "crime scene", where a fat guy (he really was fat) lied thrown on the floor, camera at a side, looking dead to me. I sighed and moved to the floor to check if he was breathing. He was.

"He's not dead!" I informed. Davie sighed a breath of relief and James chortled, earning another glare from Davie.

"Stop that" I warned him again. He was being sort of rude, considering James was helping him.

"But he's laughing!" Davie protested childishly.

"Sorry" James apologized. He was too sweet.

"Don't worry James, I would be laughing too if this wasn't such a stupid situation" I looked at Davie as I made my emphasis and he frowned back at me. I ignored that. "Start moving him before anyone sees this" I ordered.

The two guys proceeded to do so; James shrugged out of his leather jacket to reveal a black button up shirt that hugged around his muscles perfectly. I gawked dreamily, but was interrupted by Davie's low whistle.

James looked between us, confused, and I threw one of the fancy soaps that were near the sink at Davie. The fucker just laughed hard.

"Ooookay... Are we gonna lift him?" James interrupted Davie.

"Yeah, yeah. You grab him by his feet and I grab his arms."

Davie and James started lifting the guy with a lot of effort, and I picked up his camera from the floor. I peeked throughout the pictures and even found some of myself! What was a paparazzi doing at our party anyways? Guess he got served then. After a few more photos I found what Davie was talking about: a picture of him peeing. Luckily, the guy hadn't captured his dick, but you could see the arc of pee coming out of him into the toilet. I couldn't hold my laugh any longer so I burst into mindless giggling.

"Michelle! Stop lookin'!" and with that said, he dropped the fat man on his head, leaving James struggling with him.

"Davie c’mon, you’re killing him! And don't worry, I already deleted it, see?" I showed him the camera. "Now go and carry the dude out".

Davie grumbled, but went back to help James out. I followed both of them as they made their way to the backdoor of our kitchen, enjoying how James' muscles tensed at the weight of the unconscious paparazzi. When we were finally outside, Davie and James laid the guy down against the wall, with his camera a top his belly.

"Phew" Davie breathed "thank you so much Chelle"

I coughed.

Reluctantly, Davie shook hands with James. "...thanks man" What's wrong with him?

"Welcome dude", James answered back.

After a small awkward silence, Davie talked "What do we do now?"

"We? You are going to stay out of trouble and far away from me! Bye." I left Davie with an indignated expression and went back to the party with James. Stupid Davie and his stupid troubles.

Coming into the room, I could see there were more people on the dance floor than sitting down. Sass was still with Andy, watching how he took out his lip piercing with his tongue only. Carlos and Logan were on the dance floor with almost everybody else. The guys from My Chem were sitting with their wives, and Jared, Shannon, and Tomo were playing with the chocolate fountain, those lovely men. It seemed to me that everyone was having a blast, though I couldn't see Lila anywhere and neither Kendall. They probably were together.

I smiled at the thought of me and my two best friends being with our dream boys. Sass with Andy, Lila with Kendall and I was here standing by James' side, his hand touching the back of my arm lightly. Could it be possible that we may have gained them as friends? Even if James had arrived late and Davie had interrupted our "talking", the night was still young, and I was going to make sure it was that way. All of a sudden, I felt more confident. I was finally starting to feel like the beautiful vocalist of the band that everyone wanted to meet.

"What do you wanna do?" James asked me, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Let's go and say hi to My Chemical Romance and AFI first, and then I'll tell you" I answered him with a wink. Yeah, I can feel the fire in me rising!

So we walked over to their sits, talking about our favorite music on the way. I realized James and I didn't share the same music tastes, but at least he really liked my band, and I was happy with that. We said hi to AFI and Davey Havok kissed my hand! After saying goodbye we went over My Chemical Romance. They were sitting with 30 Seconds to Mars (they knew each other from the scene) talking about something. I introduced myself only to be told that they too already knew who I was! It was all going swell until Shannon opened his mouth.

"Is that your boyfriend?" he questioned with a naughty smile, already knowing what the answer was.

"No, no! James is my- he is- James sings in a band called Big Time Rush!" my face was red like a tomato as I tried to explain. I glanced at James to see he was also shifting awkwardly in his feet.

"Yeah, I'm just a friend, right?" James looked at me with a reassuring expression. It calmed my shame a little.

"That's too bad you guys" Lyn-Z (Gerard Way's wife) said, "you would look really cute together"

"Yeah James, this girl here is golden" added Jared as he patted my arm and winked. I felt like I was back with my parents for some reason. Someone shoot me.

"Uh-yeah, I know that" and he smirked at me "but I've just met her this night Mr. Leto" James responded with a shy smile. Was he blushing? (also “Mr. Leto”- what a gentleman!)

"Oh, I'm sorry then, go and have fun" Jared grinned at James. I looked at him with a troubled expression. He eyed me and pulled me up to him.

"You'll thank me. He's pretty obvious, anyway" he whispered in my ear, with James still looking.

What did he meant with obvious? He was being obvious! Whispering in my ear in front of James! I wasn't mad at Jared (how could I ever be?), but I don't see how his comments could've helped.

With that said I excused myself and left before my idols could tell James that I wanted to date him. So much for feeling confident.

"Well...That was-"

"I know, I know... Forgive them. Rockstars aren't known for their great tact" I joked.

"Yeah I noticed" he sucked in a breath and huffed a laugh. Thank goodness he is laughing about it.

"So, um, you wanna go dance?" I heard James ask me.

At first I couldn't believe I was hearing him say that, but then I remembered who I was. Of course he would ask me. I have to keep reminding myself that maybe I am worthy of him.

We made our way to the dance floor, and started dancing to the melody of Neeyo's "Give Me Everything". I found Lila was dancing with Kendall, but they were more concentrated in joking about something than the actual dancing. Sass was trying to convince Andy to dance, playfully pulling him near the stage; they looked so cute together. Best of all, Davie was nowhere to be seen. I just hope he is not in trouble or something (and if he is I'm not going to help him).

We danced several songs, James and I gaining more confidence as each passed. By the fifth song he grabbed my hips and I placed my arms over his shoulders. I was melting, feeling the muscles of his neck; he was too sexy, and up this close, he smelled so good. We stayed like that for almost two hours, trying to keep a conversation surrounded by the loud music, giggling and smiling at each other. When we made eye contact his eyes sparkled with the lights, it was so magical I wanted this moment to last forever. Finally, I felt I couldn't stand dancing with my shoes anymore, so I informed James about it, and we sat down on the bar to grab a drink and chat.

We talked about everything: our careers, our bands (I finally got to tell him how great I though Big Time Rush was), our lives before we became famous (when I told him I had started to study Architecture in college he told me that would've been his career choice too; what a coincidence!), our hometowns, our family, pets, friends, and even school! Time passed fast by his side because it was spent so well. That's why when Logan and Carlos walked over to our table and told him it was 3:30 in the morning and that everyone was leaving, we were surprised. The place was almost empty save for a few bands (with drunken band members) and Big Time Rush.

"Let's go man, I just remembered gotta be somewhere at 9" sighed Carlos. He sounded tired.

"Okay then, go get Kendall, I'll meet you guys at the car" James waved him to where Kendall was, looking at something in his phone with Lila. James got up his seat and I did too. He grabbed my hands with his fingers delicately and squeezed them a little. "This was... fun" his smile grew as he said each word. "It was. I'm very happy I could meet you James, you're cool" and I swung our hands between us.

"I can say the same thing about you" and then he let go off my hands to take his phone out of his back pocket "We should keep in touch, you know, since you're going on tour for a long time... Is that okay with you?" he said this looking nervous.

Okay?! It was more than okay! "Yeah, I would like that too. Here, I'll give you my number" my fingers trembled as I saved my number, even after I had spent all of the evening with him.

"Sweet" James said as I gave him his phone back, "I'll call you- wait, are you going to be out of the US?"

"Oh yes, yes we are, but only a bit"

"Cool"

"Yeah" I smiled.

"Yeah... I suppose I have to leave now" and he leaned down to my level to peck my cheek, taking a second longer than normal. "Good luck and see you... some other day" and with a heart melting smile, he walked away, leaving my cheek burning where his lips had touched it.

Gosh, he is so perfect, and I had spent the night with that perfection! Not only that, but he asked for my number, and we had danced, and talked, and laughed, and-

"Hey, pretty!" Shannon Leto interrupted my thoughts, throwing and arm around my shoulder. I found myself surrounded by the three members of 30 Seconds to Mars.

"Your boyfriend left?" asked Tomo mockingly as Jared chuckled in my ear.

"Aw, you guys are unbelievable. I can't believe you're grown adults and still act like dorks" I pouted at the trio.

"We’re sorry" Tomo said with a more serious tone. "We couldn't help it when we saw you; ahh, young love... so beautiful" he put his hand together on his cheek like a princess. It was pretty funny.

"Yeah, you kids don't seem to realize how both of you want each other"

"Both?" I asked Shannon, but Jared answered.

"Common, he looked like he wanted to eat you and you... I'm surprised you didn't drool on his shoes or something" he laughed lightly.

"Shut up" I told them all. "Are you guys leaving?"

"Yes, we came to say goodbye" answered Shannon, and they all hugged me one by one before leaving.

This night had been great, and I'm still not tired of repeating it in my head; I'll probably keep on repeating it for a long time. I met my favorite band and many others that I love, including Big Time Rush, and I had clicked very well with James Maslow, whom had been my celebrity crush since my Senior Year. Thinking about that, it seemed too far away, when it had just been 2 years ago. If this is just the beginning, I can't imagine what the future has prepared for me and my band.

First album tour, here I come!

[alexbandfan]

Alex Band of The Calling

2017, Features, Interviews — November 15, 2017 at 8:07 am

by Troy Culpan

“…so for me I’m still here and I’m still writing and creating the music that everybody fell in love with from the beginning. It might sound more up to date, it might sound different a little bit but for the most part they’re big songs you would hear in stadiums, they’re anthemic, lots of big songs and just a lot of emotion, a LOT of emotion.”

From Release: The Calling saw massive international success with the debut album release of Camino Palmero in July 2001, which has now sold over 5 million copies worldwide. Their debut single Wherever You Will Go remains their most renowned and successful hit, topping the Billboard Adult charts for 23 weeks, making it the second longest running number one in the chart’s history.

In his studio rehearsing Alex gave us a call to talk about The Calling’s return to Australia, new music, the absolutely amazing journey he’s had to get here, and much more.

You’re heading back to Australia to see us, what can people expect at a Calling show circa 2017? You can expect us to look older *laughs* no I’m joking, we actually still look young. I would say for me the biggest difference is even though we’ll be playing mostly on this tour old songs and only a couple of new songs, you’re gonna hear a huge evolution in the sound of everybody, even me and my voice, just the amount of time I’ve spent honing my own craft. Whether it be playing instruments or just singing I’ve really found my voice and how to use it better and how to reach even higher notes and lower notes. We really rock live *laughs* it brings the songs which people know from recordings that were made sixteen years ago on two inch analogue tape to a grandiose scale. So it’s exciting, it puts excitement in each song I’ll sum it up like that.

You were last here in 2002, what do you remember about that tour some fifteen years ago? I remember it was gorgeous obviously, I had been to New Zealand but I’d never been to Australia at that point and it was extremely exciting to see what a lot of people said is the combination of England and America in a way, I hope that’s a good thing *laughs* and throw in just the beauty of the country, just the land too. We did have one day off too to explore it was too short that was the only thing, but the people were great and oddly even though I toured for many years later to over a hundred countries we never went back so we’re really overdue.

I was at that show in Sydney, it was amazing. *laughs* Thank you! Well this will be a hundred times better.

A song of course like ‘Wherever You Will Go’ is still played to this day, what do you think it was about that song that resonated with people so much? Man, there’s so many different things, not just the song and what it says and the feeling that everyone can relate to, but the multiple meaning that people got out of the song’s lyrics, not even what I had written it about when I was fifteen. That kind of made it a song for a wedding and a song for a funeral you know? A song for a graduation but a song for a love story movie and then I think it was the timing of the world at the moment and the world needed the song maybe, I don’t know. Certainly in America it coincided directly with September 11th as the release of the song and that had a very heavy impact at that moment in America especially needing a song of hope and stuff like that.

In terms of new music you mentioned a couple of new songs and it’s been a while since a Calling album or a solo album from you for that matter, are there any plans for new material any time soon? Oh yeah, absolutely! There has been a number of reasons all completely out of my hands of why The Calling has not put out new music in ten years. The first thing was being stuck in a legal label dispute drama for four years until 2008 or 2009, I wasn’t allowed to tour, I wasn’t allowed to put out music, I wasn’t allowed to do anything, it sucked. So I was able to of course write music and those songs evolved into some of this new record but what really made this new album which has been five years in the making and it will be coming out next year, what made it really special was actually some really, really, really hard stuff that I had to go through personally which always makes for great songs *laughs* but being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, losing all my mobility, being in hospitals for years and now the divorce, I was kidnapped *laughs* and held at gunpoint, I had my first child, it was awesome and so many things that have been both unbelievably difficult and also amazing and I’m missing a lot of other things but you get the picture. I can say hands down that this new album coming out and it’s not just my biased opinion but it’s an album full of songs that are at ‘Wherever You Will Go’ lever or higher. So I’m insanely excited for people to hear.

How if in any way has the creative process changed for you throughout the years? Well hugely, I’ve been on all sides of the dice and anyway, I’ve been in whether it being in the past forced to write songs with the big writers that were hot at that time and then those songs would get trashed always which was weird and it was always the songs that I wrote that ended up coming through, I mean for instance I wrote the theme song for the World Cup in 2011 and I actually did put out a solo record with EMI out of Germany and it was a big hit there and I was doing all the soccer events, the football events and it started to hit all over Europe and then EMI went bankrupt before it went international and the whole record was put to rest, so that whole solo record I actually own now and will put that out some other day *laughs*. Anyway, going back to your question the music business changed so much and my life changed so much that I was able to retain and gain all ownership of my music and all my records and write whatever I wanted to write and that is a big difference, also feeling free to go places I hadn’t gone musically I would definitely say that this new record has more contemporary electronic elements incorporated with The Calling’s kind of roots, heart and soul rock and pop you know. The new Calling record is way less lush and extravagant, that solo record was still under the guise of a label and a certain someone I won’t mention who was very powerful in the business at the time and he wanted every song to sound like a symphony and that’s what he did, so that solo record is great, I love it, some of the songs on it are incredible and should probably be re-recorded.

Is there one piece of advice you were given when you started playing music that you’ve maintained and has stuck with you throughout the years that you still go back to to this day? No. I could give plenty of advice, but no I didn’t need it I’m born and raised in Hollywood and my Dad is a well-known Horror film director complete crazy dude so I was raised in that business and knew at such an early age what I was doing, got my record deal at fifteen with RCA, left school, did home schooling and so on and so forth, I was given a million of pieces of advice and they were all wrong actually *laughs* and had to learn over a decade learn from a lot of mistakes and a lot of things.

So obviously things change over time, but what would you say is the one thing that’s stayed the same over your time making music? Me. I mean The Calling was always me and everybody knows that I simply hired musicians to play with me in the studio, I hired guys to go on tour and there was always band people in and out. Early on I wrote all the songs with my writing partner Aaron Kamin who then left The Calling before the second record really, so for me I’m still here and I’m still writing and creating the music that everybody fell in love with from the beginning. It might sound more up to date, it might sound different a little bit but for the most part they’re big songs you would hear in stadiums, they’re anthemic, lots of big songs and just a lot of emotion, a LOT of emotion. There’s a couple of songs that are even hard for me to listen to because of the struggles I have gone through with my health and with the music business and with my love life and my personal life and money and everything, as we all do but I really got handed a shit sandwich *laughs* in the last five years in getting kidnapped, Parkinson’s, and a number of other things so I’m happy to be on the other side of that though.

Well I can’t wait to hear it, it sounds like you’re so passionate about it. Yeah I really am, and I can’t wait to show it to people, it’s been so hard for so long to be creating a record and mind you I’ve written four albums worth of material and taken the best of it, but there’s also another cool thing that I did which is I have an album slated to come out next year first potentially which is my eight number one songs that I had around the world as The Calling and ‘Tonight’ actually that’s on there, but I recorded them as a symphonic album so it’s all those songs but with a symphony and acoustic guitars and it’s just stripped down and gorgeous and it gives kind of new life to songs like ‘Wherever You Will Go.’

Lastly let’s look ahead to the future, finish this sentence for me, in 2018 The Calling will… Put out at least one if not two new records, tour the world and take over again in the music scene in a bigger way than they ever did in the beginning.

TOUR DATES:

LIVE With Special Guests Lifehouse & The Calling

November 15: The Riverstage, Brisbane QLD

November 17: Sidney Myer Music Bowl, Melbourne VIC

November 18: Roche Estate, Hunter Valley NSW

Tickets: www.liveaustraliantour.com.au

Essential Information

From: Los Angeles, CA, USA

http://thecallingofficial.com/

[latestnews2018-blog]

There Were Zero Things Better This Week Than Beto O'Rourke's Post-Hardcore Band

New Post has been published on https://latestnews2018.com/there-were-zero-things-better-this-week-than-beto-orourkes-post-hardcore-band/

There Were Zero Things Better This Week Than Beto O'Rourke's Post-Hardcore Band

Welcome to Good Stuff, HuffPost’s weekly recommendation series devoted to the least bad things on and off the internet.  

The single greatest thing I learned this week is that Beto O’Rourke, the Texas Democratic challenger to Ted Cruz for his Senate seat, once played bass in a post-hardcore band called Foss with one Cedric Bixler-Zavala on drums. And he kind of went hard? Harder than Mike Huckabee anyway.

If you don’t know Bixler-Zavala’s name, you will not care, and I don’t blame you. But for the small contingent of us who do, it is the single most random thing ever. By far. No competition. HOLY MOLY I’M GETTING EXCITED ALL OVER AGAIN. WHAT!?!? 

Bixler-Zavala would go on after Foss to become the lead singer of two bands that defined my childhood, the Mars Volta and At the Drive-In, making this a perfect melding of my teenage self and whatever the hell you would call my current state. ― Maxwell Strachan

“Kim’s Convenience”

Between “Crazy Rich Asians” and “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before,” August has been such a landmark month for pop culture featuring three-dimensional portrayals of Asians that there’s a hashtag for it: #AsianAugust. (If you haven’t seen either of those, go do that!)

“Searching,” a thriller starring John Cho, the first Asian-American actor to headline a mainstream, modern movie in that genre, joins the party this weekend before rolling out to more cities next Friday.

And don’t sleep on “Kim’s Convenience,” a Canadian sitcom about a working-class Korean-Canadian family that premiered in 2016 but is now available in the U.S. on Netflix, which added it in July. In between reveling in how wonderful “Crazy Rich Asians” and “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” were, I watched a few episodes last weekend and was immediately hooked. It will definitely be relatable to anyone who comes from an immigrant family. But it also has the classic conventions of any great, slice-of-life family sitcom, with endearing characters and an abundance of irreverent jokes. ― Marina Fang

My Colleague’s Love For “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before”

On the evening of Tuesday, Aug. 17, my colleague and dear friend Claire Fallon watched “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” for the first time. “It fucking wrecked me,” she tweeted of the now-beloved Netflix rom-com. By the time I saw her at work the next morning, Claire had watched “TATBILB” three times already. She seemed… different. There was a twinkle in her eye, a bounce in her step — the unmistakable signs of a woman in love.

Claire confirmed as much with her bombshell story: “Report: I’m in Love With Netflix’s ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before,’” and she didn’t stop there. She RTed every article horny for the film’s romantic male lead, Peter Kavinsky, adding commentary like “i am hurting myself every time i watch it and realize he isn’t real.”

Before long, Claire’s husband was drawn into the fold. “They say you should include your partner in your fantasy life so I made my husband watch to all the boys I’ve loved before with me,” she tweeted on Aug. 18, a time she would later describe as “the most romantic weekend” of her life. This marked her fifth viewing of the film and potentially, I foolishly thought, her last.

Claire is now up to 10 viewings and shows no sign of slowing down. On Monday and Tuesday, when she normally live-tweets “Bachelor in Paradise,” Claire instead posted six GIFs of Peter Kavinsky — in a hot tub, on a school bus, smiling all sexy in a bathrobe. Where am I supposed to get my snarky “Bachelor” commentary now, Claire?! Her obsession became my obsession. Thanks to Claire, I now find myself talking incessantly about a movie I haven’t even seen, filtered through the lovesick gaze of my talented co-worker.

“If you’re wondering, i did watch it last night,” Claire slacked me today, unprompted. “I do little else.” If this post was a rom-com, this is the part where I’d declare my love for Claire and suggest that instead of Peter Kavinsky she take notice of the girl working at the desk across from her all along — fave-ing her tweets, offering her goldfish, casually suggesting they open the mail together. But it’s not, and Claire is married and I have more journalistic ethics than that! ― Priscilla Frank

The Greatest Sentence In The History Of Language

This was a bad week ― all weeks, now, are bad ― but at least we were blessed with one of the great sentences in the history of language.

“Suck my dick and balls I’m working at NASA” is a literary delight, nine words strung together so perfectly that there’s no way to misread them or misinterpret the emotion they intend to convey. The person who wrote them, who had the misfortune of directing them toward someone who oversees NASA, apparently lost out on an internship opportunity at the space-exploring government agency. This is a shame, not just because no one should be fired over a tweet but especially because no one should ever be fired after penning such a beautiful tweet.

Homer Hickam, the former NASA engineer who was best known for writing “Rocket Boys” but will now enter history as the man who elicited the greatest piece of writing humankind has ever produced, is apparently helping our glorious author find an even better opportunity in the aerospace field. But the real hope here is that one day our dear friend ascends to the top of NASA, resumes the shuttle program or some other form of space exploration, and paints our new motto on the side of whatever sort of craft eventually finds other forms of life out there, so that our newfound alien friends’ first brush with the English language is the English language in all its glory. And if we’re not going to cure cancer or solve climate change or find aliens or do any of the other cool shit science is probably capable of, we should put all of our resources and expertise into finding a way to project “Suck my dick and balls I’m working at NASA” onto the moon. ― Travis Waldron

Temi Oni’s Latest Poem

I see a lot of my experience in Temi Oni’s latest poem. I walk a lot. I’m catcalled far too frequently. I’m always minding my business. I’ve been hit on by teenagers, men my age, men my father’s age, men his father’s age. I’ve been asked if I suck dick, if I wanna fuck, if I want a dick in my ass and much worse. My initial silence has agitated the men harassing me to the point of them getting too close — just like Oni’s decision to at first ignore the man who asked her if she sucked dick irked him to the point of walking up on her. Like her, I’ve wonder who the fuck these dudes were talking to. I’ve wished my homies or my man was around because I also have a tendency to fly off the handle when I’ve been disrespected. I size the man up. Sometimes I say something smart, ask him who he’s talking to. Sometimes I don’t say anything at all.

And then, it happens: They threaten to rape you. It freezes you. You want to defend yourself, but you don’t know if you physically can. You want him to die because he thinks it’s funny. You’re paralyzed by your anger, but within moments your guts will churn and you’ll start to realize that you may very well be in danger.

You feel bad for this black person. You want better for them. But you also want to feel safe. As Oni says, seeing the police won’t calm you. Black women are constantly put into compromising positions by black men, but the most harrowing is the decision of whether or not we should sacrifice our own safety for theirs by not calling the police. You don’t want a black person to die at the hands of the police, even though they just threatened to harm you. On the flip side, the police often don’t even see black women as worth saving.

In these moments, I often feel a sense of loneliness that is much deeper than me being harassed while I am literally alone. Whenever a black man has walked up to me on the street or tried anything, no one has ever defended me. People can be around and yet no one does anything. At their best, they ignore it. At their worse, they watch. It induces a rage I still can’t explain, a fear I often feel and a pain that seems generational.

It’s the black woman’s Catch-22. ― Julia Craven

“Support The Girls”

Magnolia Pictures

Lisa (Regina Hall) often reminds people that she works at a “family place,” insofar as the Hooters-type watering hole she manages does not allow the predominantly male clientele to harass waitresses. As it turns out, the establishment is family-like, at least in the way its female staffers protect and fortify one another — a fitting theme for a movie titled “Support the Girls.”

Andrew Bujalski’s new film is one of those indies that comes out of nowhere and lights up the screen, the perfect cap to a wobbly summer. When a sports-bar chain comes to town, the forces of capitalism threaten to nullify Lisa’s mom-and-pop restaurant. The hourly-wage sisters who maintain the Texas joint are doing it for themselves, and they’re lucky to have the patient, affable Lisa as a lodestar amid the careless dudes in their paths. Hall gives an Oscar-worthy performance, delicately screaming into the void alongside Haley Lu Richardson (“Edge of Seventeen”) and Shayna McHayle, better known as the rapper Junglepussy. When she’s finally had enough, Lisa tosses a middle finger to the sky, a rare release for someone who’s burdened herself with always needing to keep it together. We’re right there with her. ― Matthew Jacobs

Bowen Yang

Bowen Yang may not be a household name, but you may as well learn it now.

The comedian and Vulture host became a viral sensation this week after a handful of celebrities — including Chrissy Teigen and Sarah Silverman — tweeted out some of his lip-syncing videos.

Yang has been uploading clips of himself lip-syncing various pop culture moments since May. But his most recent video, of him imitating Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in “The Devil Wears Prada” is what has put him on the map. It’s flawless, funny and just a delight to watch. ― Saba Hamedy

Terrific Human Mariska Hargitay

Academy Award-winning actress Hilary Swank got married this week. She looked lovely in Elie Saab with custom Christian Louboutin shoes. Her husband looked dapper. There was a tap dance! The wedding looked like it was ripped right from a high-class Pinterest page. But the best part of Hilary Swank getting married this week was actually Terrific Human Mariska Hargitay.

One of the photos featured in a Vogue gallery on Swank’s wedding shows Hargitay lurking in the background, seemingly holding up Swank’s veil as part of her duties as maid of honor. Swank and Hargitay are known BFFs, but still, could you imagine having Hargitay around on your wedding day? To give you pep talks, or hold up your dress while you pee or dab the sweat off your forehead after dancing too hard? For sure she’d make sure your Champagne hand was never empty. Congratulations on that, Hilary Swank. ― Paige Lavender

The R-Rated Puppet Movie That No One Liked

DAMON DAHLEN/HUFFPOST

Priscilla Frank with her date at a press preview of “The Happytime Murders” on Monday in New York. 

Some critics have deemed “The Happytime Murders” the worst movie of the summer, if not the whole year. Other people, like my colleague Priscilla Frank, have called it “the only movie that mattered, and the only one that ever will.” Listen, I probably won’t see the film, but I will scroll through photos of Priscilla and her Puppet Boyfriend performing nose kisses in an empty theater at least a couple times this weekend. You should, too. ― Katherine Brooks

Christian Covington’s Very Lifelike Madden Character

Guess I have to accept the fact that I’m ugly now…. Say it ain’t so Madden…. smh pic.twitter.com/fTcmitdrEw

— Christian Covington (@thetangibleC4) August 22, 2018

Who knew you could play as Shrek on Madden?

The difference between how Texans DE Christian Covington looks in real life and how he looks on Madden is basically the same as photos you post vs. ones you’re tagged in… if people were to draw faces on garbage cans and tag you in them. And like ogres and onions, this thing has layers: Is it so sweaty because it knows it shouldn’t be here? Does it look like a thumb? Is that mean to thumbs? With all the attention this has gotten after Covington poked fun at it, it’s only a matter of time before Madden tries to take this away from us like a bunch of Farquaads. So before that, farewell sweet prince. Like Shrek, may you live happily forever after. ― Bill Bradley 

Read last week’s Good Stuff.

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[seamonster]

this month but one year ago, in comparison. from my old diary blog  v intense v personal   

start from bottom. REVERSE Chronological order, random days throughout the month -------------------------------------- second guessing all my “parenting” decisions is this week’s theme for myself and everyone else apparently. i’ve also found that when i’m unsure, i ask myself “when they’re older and reflecting on my decisions, what will they think if i [x] right now” and idk if that’s smart or just part of that shit i do where i am just viewing things from a mile away instead of living the things in the moment.. ------- cousin  today listed off some meds and weird mental side effects. flonase causes him to be short-tempered and snap at people, supposedly. i know physical side effects too fucking well, and i know suicidal ideation as a side effect but……… i’m stupid apparently and didn’t consider actual mood issues like that. i need to experiment i guess. what if zyrtec is what makes me hate myself…. hahahaaa sure (actually pls i hope not, i would hate myself more if i found out that i’ve been hating myself all this time because of an allergy pill) ------- how can you tell someone you could never love them a tenth as much as they love you, without sounding horrible? i really wish i could… it’d be most convenient… how am i capable of feeling all emotions except love. i don’t feel like a robot all the time or anything, i just… don’t know how to experience love? how to desire physical companionship? how to be romantic or loving? i know how to love my friends and how to want to be around them… i do really get a lot out of companionship in daily activities, confiding in people, whatever… but dates??? romance??? sounds useless to me. why can’t i just have a best friend lifemate, why do people have to want more than i can give them ------- talking to my cousin about his bipolar. i don’t talk to him a lot and pretty sure he doesn’t know that i Get It but i thought it was important to talk to him. he tells his parents everything tho so i didn’t say much. when he started talking, he had the exact same fucking thing i do… the really stiff cold “testing the waters” internally panicking thing where your voice gets a lil hollow. it’s a thing every queer person does when gay topics come up in mixed company, tbh… anyway, he talked a little abuot it. made me wish he wasn’t a raving homophobic obsessively-transphobic conservative. he told me his coping tips, fresh out of therapy, which i had already noticed him doing but didn’t tell him.

------- why can’t i care about anyone or anything why can’t i feel feelings ------- talking with doctor about what to do for things going on mentally, specifically because i need to be okay for the girls for a little bit. at least for two more years. i guess. weed was helping in many ways but lately causing more social paranoia? don’t know what’s up with that. not happy with it. haven’t been drinking much which seems to be doing good for me. ------- idk still thinking about it and i mean. it was totally fair. i am an asshole yeah but that doesn’t change the fact that everyone else is too. ------- maybe none of that is fair and i’m just an asshole maybe it’s fair but i’m still an asshole and tbh i do get why no one would want to be there for me lmao and aforementioned friend can really there for me, he’s just emotionally stunted and doesn’t know how to do anything, but he tries, sometimes, right ------- but tbh it’s just another saga in the age-old classic called “i’m there for everyone no matter fucking what but no one can make time for me” (sometimes appended “unless they want to bone”) ------- to expand on yesterday……….. friend is being really fucking weird and annoying lately and it makes me feel crazy and small. because he is specifically acting like i am crazy, and small. he prides himself on being ~~just a chill ass dude with no time for drama~~, which combined with how easily influenced and ignorant on all topics he is, leads to flipping the fuck out and running in the opposite direction anytime anyone has a single solitary emotion? like………. emotionally stunted is right. he’s the sweetest person but a total dudebro …. and anyway ????????? he knows shit is happening in my life and this apparently makes it impossible to treat me like a regular human, so instead he looks at me with a furrowed brow and then looks at someone else with that “is she gonna be cool” or “god damn i don’t have time for this” or “jesus look at this poor pathetic bitch” look on his dumb face. i love him to fucking pieces but i wish he didn’t pull this shit because i can not fucking handle being treated like i’m a tiger on a leash. if he doesn’t want to hang out with me, he just doesn’t have to. it’s that fucking simple. i really would not care if they went out without me. but if they go out without me and purposely hide it from me??? what is that shit???? that is not even healthy ???? what kind of person do they think i am??? i really don’t understand this. i don’t want sympathy… empathy is a cool trait i wish some folks had but even more than empathy, i just want to be treated like a human who isn’t LESSER THAN for having shit fucking happening ------- i got home tonight and started crying because who i am, to anyone… my best friend used to look at me like i was the sun and stars, smart and cool… now it’s more like starving orphan. a bad development of 2017.   ------- i keep smoking indoors like a fucking weeny. bad? probably. i don’t want to fucking get up and go outside. at least i’m alive what more do you want from me

[radioastronot]

Killing Joke From Clowns

CLOWNS SIDOARJO SHOW 7th FEBRUARY 2012

oleh: Akhmad Alfan Rahadi

at DOLOMITY CAFE SIDOARJO FEBRUARY THE 7th 2011

Beberapa minggu yang lalu tepatnya Desember (sudah tahun lalu ya? hehehe) saya mendapati invitation dari teman saya di Sidoarjo untuk menonton sebuah band dari Australia bernama Clowns berikut link videonya. Beberapa saat sebelumnya saya memang juga berencana ingin menonton band dari Australia juga bernama Night Hag namun karena saya berhalangan saya pun melewatkannya dengan sesal dan berharap ada band sebagus mereka datang lagi ke sekitaran Jawa Timur (supaya ringan di ongkos transport).

Kemudian saya coba telusuri dan tonton video mereka yang berjudul “Repeat After Me”.Tak ada bayangan dan ekspektasi lebih sesaat sebelum membukanya. Namun yang saya temukan ternyata mencengangkan, Clownsmerupakan band yang bengal!. Keras dan Fun! It's not being poppy but it's anthemic!. Cocok bagi penggemar GG Allin, The Bronx dan Black Flag (mereka sempat mengcover lagu "Wasted" dari Black Flag malam itu dan di live cassete album spesial edisi tur SEA ini).

Akhirnya berangkat lah saya menembus hujan lebat dan bensin yang menipis di Selasa 7 februari itu. Sempat tersesat karena pertama kalinya saya ke Sidoarjo sendirian dengan motor. Mereka ke Sidoarjo dalam rangka menjalani rangkaian tur Asia tenggara meliputi Singapura, Malaysia dan Indonesia selama Februari ini. Saya berhasil mendapat ijin dan kesempatan wawancara ini di akhir performance mereka setelah sempat mengajak kenalan Tristan dan James di saat sebelum show dan dikenalkan lagi oleh Anca The Shantoso kepada Jake dan Steve. Namun di kesempatan itu yang mampu saya temui hanya James dan Tristan yaitu bassis dan gitaris Clowns karena yang lain kelelahan dan perlu istirahat.

guide: A: Alfan, J: James , T: Tristan

A: how did you guys meet each other?

T: we met at school, we met our guitarists, drummer and singer at school, at university, and we met our bassists through a circle of friends, sort of friends of friends.

A: Like you guys met at the same scene at the local gigs?

J & T: yeah yeah, pretty much

A: So until now, how many recordings that you have released?

J: Umm, We did an EP in 2010, Clowns EP 2010, then on 2011 we did a split 7" with Them Orphans from Perth, and now we're gonna do another 7" when we get back to Australia and also we've done a live album, recorded on rehearsal for this South East Asia tour.

A: How did you guys came up with the idea of touring South East Asia?

J: Well we came up with the idea when our friend from our fellow Australian band like Straight Jacket Nation, cameback from south east asia tour, then we met Cher from Singapore online and then she lead us to these people we met so far, these people we can contact and organize us a tour.

A: Your most favorite Australian band

J: Hard Ons T: probably Carnival

A: And when you got here, have you also had particular band that you like?

J: In South East Asia? Yeah, yeah lots of good band, The Shantoso we love it soo much, and then Sleeping Police, and in Malaysia we saw Boulevard, and then some bands we watched in Singapore.

A: When you got this tour idea, have you ever imagined where you're gonna be landed and headed?

J: No, We knew Indonesia, We knew Malaysia, and We knew Singapore as well. Then we met Cher, and She told us where to go, where to play, the guys we should meet and hangout with, who to talk to. and she mentioned about Borneo or something of it, and we're gonna play there by the end of this tour.

A: Hmm in terms of CLOWNS, I saw that your vocalist Stevie, wore a t-shirt with a picture of Jack Nicholson's Joker on it. So who do you think is the best JOKER? Jack Nicholson or Heath Ledger?

J: Jack Nicholson probably, he's pretty bad ass, but yeah Heath Ledger who played the recent Joker is an australian guy, alright he's dead now hahaha T: Favorite Joker for me is probably some comic book dude, not a real actor..

A: How about from the animated series?

No no, also not animated, comic book, comic book

A: Favorite food in here?

J: So far? squid

T: Cumi, cumi goreng dan nasi goreng

J: Yeah, nasi goreng

A: Aaah yes hahah it's obvious , nasi goreng it's all time favorite

J: Yeaa... hahaha is good

T: Cumi goreng is suprisingly good, it's really tasty

J: Sounds a bit weird but it's really nice yeah hahaha

J: But we didn't like even the durian, heheehe...

T: Not. Not too happy with the durian

A: So How do you come up with the theme on the 7"?

T: Depends on the single, so The 7" is the new single, the "Arst One is Repeat After Me", then "Eat A Gun", so the artwork depends on the single name and kind of that's how we themed it.

J: Well I did the artwork myself. It's like trying to get as much as crazy stuff into the picture, before it gets out of control

A: So did you do it when you were sober or drunk?

J: Well a bit both, hahaha.... Well i'm not really mess around with photoshop, or expensive gadget. I did it like with just a pencil, and sharpen the texture and an eraser

T: Keeping it old school

A: Beside doing band stuffs, what do you guys do?

J: Yea we're all going to school, university , we all study, we also have a job as well, like me driving a box car sending things around, Tristan work at a doughnut shop, Steve And Jake works in a call center and, apart from that...

T: Whatever makes ends, make money, pay bills

J: Well outside study, we go to shows in melbourne, play Arecracker, hanging out..

A: So how do you guys, adjust with that? between music and daily routine?

J: We play gigs, None of us work in the weekends, so we have works and school

T: Yea and on Saturday we got to see a big gig night in melbourne always

A: whooa does the gig done routinely?

T: Sometimes thursday, wednesday, but yea mostly saturday

J: We play with someone on thursday spare gigs, commonly friday and saturday night. We have school, we school and work at the daytime during the week, afterwork or school we practice and play gigs on the weekends

A: You see, when I'm doing these scene things, me and my friends make gigs on university. Do you guys also organize a show on university or are there authorities which make it harder?

J: Yea a little bit

T: I used to go to Melbourne University, every thursday they had decent band playing. J: Popular band

T: Yea it was like popular bands not playing like King GIzzard and The Lizard Wizard, Barbarian, etc, like big in Melbourne-band.

A: I thought you can play your friends in university gigs..

J: Mostly the gig in the Melbourne not done in university, they're on pub, club and house house shows. not very often..

A: So do you guys have any plans on the near future?

J: Aa.. just keep doing what we're doing, play as many shows as we can , record very soon

T: Singles, 7 inches

J: Singles on 7 inches, doing album when we have enough money. After we do the 7 inch we'll do an album, doing more tour, meet more friends.

A: I was wondering, when we in Indonesia usually rehearse by renting a rehearsal studio, do you guys do the same there in Australia?

T: Yea, you know we rent a rehearsal space, its a big room, soundproof, bring a lot of stuff drumkits all that, and we play usually from 6 o clock til midnight.

J: We don't play that long but yea thats how long we got the session

A: Whooa that soo long for us 6 o'clock til midnight...

T: It is a long time, yea we usually we got there at 7 or 8 and finish at 10

A: Is it like an empty space?

J: It's a big building full of lotsa room, it's like a big factory and got lots of big room

A: And you guys bring your own equipment

T: We can hire stuff between each

J: Plus there's lots of band in there play at one time in different rooms

T: All sound proof, and

J: It works well

T: Thats how usually in Melbourne, but there are few places like that with a bunch a rooms and we hire a single room for a couple of hours , and bring in all of your stuff, play for as long as you want and no one will give a shit

A: Hahaha i envy you. other than doing shows do you guys also organize shows?

J: We also organize shows, with our friends and our friends band and if a band wants to come to Melbourne we can help em organize a show for them

A: Is it collective or you guys also search for a sponsor?

J: Yea, collectively, get a good show and having fun

A: And for the equipment you bring yourself?

J: If it is in Australia we bring our own amps, and guitar and simple drumkits

A: Whoa.. thats a bit different in here..we rent from studio and bring it to venue

J: Yeah, everyone seems have their own stuff

A: Thats real pro and DIY

J: Yeaa

T: Hahaha yeaa

A: So any plans for next year's tour?

J: There are few places in our mind, we just think like kinda go like, if anyone or we meet anyone who tell us to go to particular area or wanna make a tour with us, we should go there

T: I do want to get to UK, Europe, that'd be freakin awesome , but it would be expensive though

J: We definitely go somewhere but we just don't know where yet

T: Maybe Asia again, might be good

A: Through years of your career, have you guys faced criticsm and how do you deal with it? It forms of internet review and stuffs?

T: A little bit, every, you know cause there's always someone out there gonna say "ohh this is bad this is good" but doesn't really bother us too much

J: Here's the thing, you got one little thing, one little thing on the internet, but when you play show and theres a hundred people who's gonna its awesome

A: So you just play.. play.. play...

J: Yea yea like that

T: Yea right and like there's always gonna be people out there who hate whatever you do, and the same time there's people who love what you do. So just do what you do, and hope the people would love it, listen to it and get into it

J: I like what I do, so it doesn't matter

A: last message for people here?

J: You have an awesome scene, and your bands are really good, and you people are really friendly. and we hope, we hope you dont change...

T: Yeah dont change at all, keep it real, keep it rockin, keep rocking

A: And thats a wrapp!! thanks!

J: Thank you very much

T: terima kasih banyaaak

...

James dan Tristan kemudian berpamitan untuk istirahat karena besok melanjutkan perjalanan tur ke Kudus. Saya menyempatkan ngobrol sebentar dengan Anca tentang scene underground di Surabaya dan Sidoarjo. Setelah itu saya pulang karena besok ada ujian yang ternyata tidak jadi. A killing joke it is.....

Namun hari rabu itu tak mengecewakan juga karena saya dapat album live Clowns dengan cuma cuma pemberian teman saya Kuro yang bingung bakal diputar dimana kaset itu.