#and also slow down before I put you in the war crimes category

[wits-writing]

What’s so Funny About Vengeance, the Night, and Batman? – Two Superhero Parodies in Conversation

Back in 2016, the first trailers for Director Chris McKay’s The Lego Batman Movie hit. A spinoff of the take on the iconic hero, voiced by Will Arnett, from 2014’s The Lego Movie. Those trailers spelled out a plot covering how Batman’s life of crimefighting is turned upside down when Robin unexpectedly enters the picture. It was a funny trailer, promising another insightful comedy from the crew behind The Lego Movie. A promise it handily delivered on when it came out in February 2017 with an animated feature steeped wall-to-wall jokes for the sake of mocking Bruce Wayne’s angst filled crusade that can only come from understanding what’s made the character withstand the test of time.

But there was a thought I and others had from seeing that trailer up to watching the actual movie:

“This seems… familiar.”

Holy Musical B@man! is a 2012 fan-made stage production parody of DC Comics’ biggest cash cow. It was produced as the fifth musical from YouTube-based cult phenomenon Starkid Productions, from a book by Matt and Nick Lang, music by Nick Gage and Scott Lamp with lyrics by Gage. The story of the musical details how Robin’s unexpected entrance ends up turning Batman’s (Joe Walker) life of crimefighting upside down. Among Starkids’ fandom derived projects in their early existence, as they’ve mainly moved on to well-received original material in recent years, Holy Musical B@man! is my personal favorite. I go back to it frequently, appreciating it as a fan of both superheroes and musicals. (Especially since good material that touches on both of those isn’t exactly easy to come by. Right, Spider-Man?)

While I glibly summarized the similarities between them by oversimplifying their plots, there’s a lot in the details, both major and minor, that separates how they explore themes like solitude, friendship, love, and what superhero stories mean. It’s something I’ve wanted to dig into for a while and I found a lot in both of them I hadn’t considered before by putting them in conversation. I definitely recommend watching both of them, because of how in-depth this piece goes including discussing their endings. However, nothing I can say will replace the experience of watching them and if I had included everything I could’ve commented on in both of them, this already massive piece would easily be twice as long minimum.

Up front, I want to say this isn’t about comparing The Lego Batman Movie and Holy Musical B@man in terms of quality. Not only are they shaped for vastly different mediums with different needs/expectations, animation versus stagecraft, but they also had different resources at their disposal. Even if both are in some ways riffing on the aesthetic of the 1990s Batman movies and the Adam West TV show, Lego Batman does it with the ability to make gorgeously animated frames packed to the brim with detail while Holy Musical often leans into its low-fi aesthetic of characters miming props and sets to add extra humor. They’re also for different audiences, Lego Batman clearly for all-ages while Holy Musical has the characters cursing for emphasis on a regular basis. On top of those factors, after picking through each of these for everything worth commenting on that I could find, I can’t say which I wholly prefer thanks in part to these fundamental differences.

This piece is more about digging through the details to explore the commonalities, differences, and what makes them effective mocking love letters to one of the biggest superheroes in existence.

(Also, since I’m going to be using the word “Batman” a lot, I’ll be calling Lego Batman just “Batman” and referring to the version from Holy Musical as “B@man”, with the exception of quoted dialogue.)

[Full Piece Under the Cut]

Setting the Tone

The beginning is, in fact, a very good place to start when discussing how these parodies frame their versions of the caped crusader. Each one uses a song about lavishing their respective Batmen with praise about how they are the best superheroes ever and play over sequences of the title hero kicking wholesale ass. A key distinction comes in who’s singing each song. Holy Musical B@man’s self-titled opening number is sung from the perspective of an omniscient narrator recounting B@man’s origin and later a chorus made up of the Gotham citizenry. Meanwhile, “Who’s the (Bat) Man” from Lego Batman is a brag-tacular song written by Batman about himself, even playing diegetically for all his villains to hear as he beats them up.

Holy Musical opens on a quick recap of Batman’s origin:

“One shot, Two shots in the night and they’re gone And he’s all left alone He’s just one boy Two dead at his feet and their blood stains the street And there’s nothing, no there’s nothing he can do!”

We then get a Bat-dance break as the music goes from slow and moody to energetic to reflect Batman turning that tragedy into the driving force behind his one-man war on crime. Assured by the narrator that he’s “the baddest man that there’s ever been!” and “Now there’s nothing, no there’s nothing he can’t do!” flipping the last lyric of the first verse. For the rest of the opening scene the lyrics matter less than what’s happening to establish both this fan-parody’s version of Batman and how the people of Gotham (“he’ll never refuse ‘em”) view him.

Lego Batman skips the origin recap, and in general talks around the death of the Waynes to keep the light tone going since it’s still a kids movie about a popular toy even if there are deeper themes at play. Instead, it continues a trend The Lego Movie began for this version of the character writing music about how he’s an edgy, dark, awesome, cool guy. While that movie kept it to Batman angry-whiteboy-rapping about “Darkness! NO PARENTS!”, this one expands to more elaborate boasts in the song “Who’s the (Bat) Man” by Patrick Stump:

“In the darkest night I make the bad guys fall There’s a million heroes But I’m the best of them all!”

Batman singing this song about himself, as opposed to having it sung by others aims the crosshairs of parody squarely on the hero’s ego. His abilities make fighting his villains effortless, like this opening battle is more an opportunity to perform the song than a life-or-death struggle. Even Joker’s aware of that as he shouts, “Stop him before he starts singing!” This Batman doesn’t see himself as missing out on anything in life, even if he still feels that deep down. Being Batman is the coolest thing in the world that anyone would envy. He’s Batman, therefore everyone should envy him.

The songs aren’t only part of the equation for how these two works’ opening scenes establish their leading hero. While both songs are about Batman being cool, they’re separated by the accompanying scenes. Lego Batman keep the opening within the Joker’s perspective until Batman shows up and the action kicks in. Once it does, we’re shown a Batman at the top of his solo-hero game. Meanwhile, Holy Musical’s opening is about B@man building his reputation and by the end of the song he has all the citizens of Gotham singing his praises with the titular lyrics. Both are about being in awe of the title hero, one framed by Joker’s frustration at Batman’s ease in foiling his schemes yet again and the other about the people of Gotham growing to love their city’s hero (probably against their better judgement.)

That’s woven into the fabric of what kind of schemes Batman is foiling in each of these. Joker’s plan to bomb Gotham with the help of every supervillain in Batman’s Rogues Gallery is hilariously high stakes and the type of plan most Batman stories, even parodies, would save for the climax. Neatly exemplified by how that’s almost the exact structure of Holy Musical’s final showdown. Starting with these stakes works as an extension of this Batman’s nature as a living children’s toy and therefore the embodiment of a child’s idea of what makes Batman cool, his ability to wipe the floor with anyone that gets in his way “because he’s Batman.” It also emphasizes Joker as the only member of the Rogues Gallery that matters to Lego Batman’s story, every other Bat-villain is either a purely visual cameo or only gets a couple lines maximum.

The crime’s being stopped by B@man are more in the “Year One” gangster/organized crime category rather than anything spectacle heavy. Though said crimes are comically exaggerated:

Gangster 1: Take these here drugs, put ‘em into them there guns, and then hand ‘em out to those gamblin’ prostitutes! Gangster 2: Should we really be doing these illegal activities? In a children’s hospital for orphans?

These fit into that model of crime the Dark Knight fights in his early days and add tiny humanizing moments between the crooks (“Oh, Matches! You make me laugh like nobody else!”) in turn making the arrival of B@man and the violence he deals out a stronger punchline. Further emphasized by the hero calling out the exact physical damage he does with each hit before warning them to never do crime again saying, “Support your families like the rest of us! Be born billionaires!” Later in the song his techniques get more extreme and violence more indiscriminate, as he uses his Bat-plane to patrol and gun down whoever he sees as a criminal, including a storeowner accidentally taking a single dollar from his own register. (“God’s not up here! Only Batman!”)

A commonality between these two openings is how Commissioner Jim Gordon gets portrayed. Both are hapless goofs at their core, playing more on the portrayal of the character in the 60s TV show and 90s Burton/Schumacher movies than the serious-minded character present in comics, Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy, and other adaptations. Lauren Lopez’s portrayal in Holy Musical gets overwhelmed by everything thrown at him, eventually giving up and getting out of B@man’s way (“I’m not gonna tell Batman what to do! He’s Batman!”) Hector Elizondo’s Gordon in Lego Batman clearly reached the “stay out of Batman’s way” point a long time ago, happy to have “the guy who flips on the Bat-signal” be his sole defining trait. While the characterizations are close, their roles do end up differing. Lopez’s Gordon sticks around to have a few more comedic scenes as the play goes on, where Elizondo’s exist to set up a contrast with his daughter Barbara and her way of approaching Batman when she becomes Police Commissioner.

These opening sequences both end in similar manners as well; the citizens of Gotham lavishing praise on their respective Batmen and a confrontation between Batman and the Joker. Praise from the citizenry in Holy Musical comes on the heels of a letter from B@man read out on the news about how much they and the city of Gotham suck. They praise B@man for his angsty nature as a “dark hero” and how they “wouldn’t want him any other way!”, establishing the motif of Gotham’s citizens in Holy Musical as stand-ins for the Batman fandom. Lego Batman uses the praise of the Gotham citizens after Batman’s victory in the opening scene as a lead in to contrast their certainty that Batman must have an exciting private life with the reality we’re shown. Which makes sense since Lego-Batman’s relationship to the people of Gotham is never presented as something at stake.

Greater contrast comes in how the confrontations with the Joker are handled, Lego Batman has an argument between the hero and villain that’s intentionally coded as relationship drama, Batman saying “There is no ‘us’” when Joker declares himself Batman’s greatest enemy. The confrontation in Holy Musical gets purposefully underplayed as an offstage encounter narrated to the audience as a Vicki Vale news report. This takes Joker off the board for the rest of the play in contrast to the Batman/Joker relationship drama that forms one of Lego Batman’s key pillars. While they take different forms, the respective citizenry praise and villain confrontation parts of these openings lead directly into the number one common thematic element between these Bat-parodies: Batman’s loneliness.

One is the Darkest, Saddest, Loneliest Number

Batman as an isolated hero forms one of the core tenants of the most popular understanding of the character. Each of these parodies picks at that beyond the broody posturing. There’s no dedicated segment in this piece about how these works’ versions of the title character function bleeds into every other aspect of them, but each starts from the idea of Batman as a man-child with trouble communicating his emotions. Time’s taken to give the audience a view of where their attitudes have left them early in the story.

Both heroes show their loneliness through interactions with their respective Alfreds. Holy Musical has the stalwart butler, played by Chris Allen, try to comfort B@man by asking if he has any friends he enjoys being around. When B@man cites Lucius Fox as a friend he calls him right away, only to discover Lucius Fox is Alfred’s true identity and Alfred Pennyworth was an elaborate ruse he came up with to protect Bruce on his father’s wishes. Ironically, finding out his closest friend was living a double life causes Bruce to push Alfred away (the play keeps referring to him as Alfred after this, so that’s what I’m going to do as well.) After he’s fired he immediately comes back in a new disguise as “O’Malley the Irish Butler” (same outfit he wore before but with a Party City Leprechaun hat.) That’s unfortunately the start of a running gag in Holy Musical that ends up at the worst joke in the play, when Alfred disguises himself as “Quon Li the Chinese Butler” doing an incredibly cringeworthy “substituting L’s for R’s” bit with his voice. It’s been my least favorite bit in the play since I first saw it in 2012 and legitimately makes me hesitate at times to recommend it. Even if it’s relatively small bit and the rest holds ups.

That disclaimer out of the way, that conversation between B@man and Alfred leads into the title hero reflecting on his sadness through the musical’s I Want Song, “Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight.” The song’s split into two halves, the first Alfred reflecting on whether he played a part in Bruce’s current condition and the second B@man longing for a connection. The song does a good job balancing between the sincerity over the hero’s sadness and getting good laughs out of it:

“Think of the children Next time you gun down the mama and papa Their only mama and papa Because they probably don’t have another mama and papa!”

The “I Want” portion of the song coming in the end with the repetition of the lryics “I want to be somebody’s buddy.”

Rather than another song number, Lego Batman covers Batman’s sadness through a pair of montages and visual humor. The first comes after the opening battle, where we see Batman taking off all his costume except for the mask hanging out alone in Wayne Manor, showing how little separation he puts between identities. Compared to Holy Musical where the equivalent scene is the first we see of Bruce without the mask on, which may come down to practicality since anyone who’s worn a mask like that knows they get hot and sweaty fast. Batman is constantly made to appear small among the giant empty rooms of his estate as he eats dinner, jams on his guitar, and watches romantic movies alone.

Ralph Fienne’s Alfred coming in at the end of this sequence witnessing Batman looking at a photo of himself as a boy with his parents for the last time. Alfred outlines Batman’s fear of being part of a family again only to be met with Batman denying he has any feelings ever. Pennyworth’s role as a surrogate father gets put into greater focus here than in Holy Musical, as we get glimpses of Alfred reading a book titled “How to Deal with Your Out-of-Control Child.” Also shown in smaller scenes of Alfred dealing with Batman’s insistent terminology for his crime fighting equipment, like calling his cowl an “armored face disguise.”

Batman’s denial of his pain contrasts how B@man wallows in it. Though he’s forced to confront it a little as the Joker’s plan ends up leaving him with no crimefighting to fall back on to ignore his issues. This montage gets set to the song “One” by Harry Nilsson and details Batman, unable to express his true feelings, eventually letting them out in the form of tempter tantrums. There’s also some humor through juxtaposition as Batman walks solemnly through the streets of Gotham City, rendered black and white, as the citizens chant “No more crime!” in celebration, while flipping over cars and firing guns into the air.

A disruption to their loneliness eventually comes in the form of a sensational character find.

Robin – The Son/BFF Wonder

Between both Bat-parodies, the two Robins’ characterizations are as close as anyone’s between them. Each is nominally Dick Grayson but are ultimately more representative of the idea of Robin as the original superhero sidekick and his influence on Batman’s life. The play and movie also both make the obvious jokes about Dick’s name and the classic Robin costume’s lack of pants at different points. Dick’s origin also gets sidestepped in each version to skip ahead to the part where he starts being an influence in Batman’s life.

Robin’s introduction to the comics in Detective Comics #38 in 1940, marking the start of Batman’s literal “Year Two” as a character, predating the introduction of Joker, Catwoman, and Alfred, among others. Making him Batman’s longest lasting ally in the character’s history. His presence and acrobatics shift the tone by adding a dash of swashbuckling to Batman’s adventures, inspired by the character’s namesake Robin Hood, though both parodies take a page out of Batman Forever and associate the name with the bird for the sake of a joke. Robin is as core to Batman as his origin, but more self-serious adaptations (i.e., the mainstream cinematic ones that were happening around the times both Holy Musical and Lego Batman came out) tend to avoid the character’s inclusion. These two works being parody, therefore anything but self-serious, give themselves permission to examine why Robin matters and how different characters react to his presence. Rejection of Robin as a character and concept comes out in some form in each of these works, from Batman himself in Lego Batman and the Gotham citizens in Holy Musical.

The chain of events that lead to Dick becoming Robin in Lego Batman are a string of consequences for Batman’s self-absorption. A scene of Bruce barely listening as Dick asks for advice on getting adopted escalating to absentmindedly signing the adoption paperwork. Batman doesn’t realize he has a son until after his sadness montage. Alfred forces Batman to start interacting with Dick against his will. The broody loner wanting nothing to do with the cheery kid, played to “golly gee gosh” perfection by Michael Cera, until he sees the utility of him. Batman doesn’t even have the idea to give Robin a costume or codename because he clearly views the sidekick’s presence as a temporary measure for breaking into Superman’s fortress, made clear by how he lists “expendable” as a quality Dick needs if he wants to go on a mission.

This makes Robin the catalyst for Batman’s shifting perspective throughout Lego Batman. When Robin succeeds in his first mission, the Dark Knight is hesitant to truly compliment him and chalks up his ward’s feats to “unbelievable obeying.” Other moments have Robin’s presence poke holes in Batman’s tough guy demeanor, like the first time Batman and Robin ride in the Bat-mobile together, Robin asks where the seatbelts are and Batman growls “Life doesn’t give you seatbelts!”, only for Batman to make a sudden stop causing Robin to hit his head on the windshield and Batman genuinely apologizes. They share more genuine moments together as the film goes, like Batman suggesting they beatbox together to keeps their spirits up after they’ve been imprisoned for breaking into Arkham Asylum. Robin’s representative of Batman gradually letting people in throughout these moments.

On the exact opposite end of the spectrum, B@man needs zero extra prompting to let Robin into his life. Nick Lang’s Robin (henceforth called “Rob!n” to keep with this arbitrary naming scheme I’ve concocted) does get brought into his life by Alfred thanks to a personal ad (“‘Dog for sale’? No… ‘Orphan for sale’! Even better!”) but it’s a short path to B@man deciding to let Dick fight alongside him. The briefest hesitance on the hero’s part, “To be Batman… is to be alone”, is quelled by Rob!n saying “We could be alone… together.” Their first scene together quickly establishing the absurd sincerity exemplified by this incarnation of the Dynamic Duo. An energy carried directly into the Act 1 closing number, “The Dynamic Duet”, a joyful ode between the heroes about how they’re “Long lost brothers who found each other” sung as they beat up supervillains (and the occasional random civilian.)

That song also ties into the contrast between the Batman/Robin dynamic and the B@man/Rob!n one. While Holy Musical is portraying a brotherly/BFF bond between the two heroes, Lego Batman leans into the surrogate son angle. While both are mainly about their stories’ Batman being able to connect with others, the son angle of Lego Batman adds an additional layer of “Batman needs to take responsibility for himself and others” and a parallel to Alfred as Batman’s own surrogate father. It also adds to the queer-coding of Batman in Lego Batman as Batman’s excuse to Robin for why he can go on missions is that Bruce and he are sharing custody, Robin even calling Batman’s dual identities “dads” before he knows the truth.

In the absence of the accepting personal responsibility through fatherhood element, the conflict Rob!n brings out in Holy Musical forms between B@man and the citizens of Gotham. “Citizens as stand-ins for fandom” is at it’s clearest here as the Act 2 opener is called “Robin Sucks!” featuring the citizens singing about how… well, you read the title. Their objections to Rob!n’s existence has nothing to do with what the young hero has done or failed to do, but come from arguments purely about the aesthetic of Rob!n fighting alongside B@man. Most blatantly shown by one of the citizens wearing a Heath Ledger Joker t-shirt saying Rob!n’s presence “ruins the gritty realism of a man who fights crime dressed as a bat.” It works as the Act 2 opener by establishing that B@man and the citizens conflicting opinions on his sidekick end up driving that half of the story, exemplified in B@man’s complete confusion about why people hate Rob!n (“Robin ruined Batman? But that’s not true… Robin make Batman happy.”)

Both Robins play into the internal conflict their respective mentors are going through, but what would a superhero story, even a parody, be without some colorful characters to provide that sweet external conflict.

Going Rogue

Both works have the threat comes from an army of villains assembled under a ringleader, Zach Galifianakis’s Joker in Lego Batman and Jeff Blim as Sweet Tooth in Holy Musical. Both lead the full ensemble of Batman’s classic (and not so classic) Rogues at different points. As mentioned before Joker starts Lego Batman with “assemble the Rogues, blow up Gotham” as his plan, while Sweet Tooth with his candy prop comedy becoming the ringleader of Gotham’s villains is a key turning point in Act 1 of the play. Part of this comes down to how their connections to their respective heroes and environments are framed, Sweet Tooth as a new player on the scene and Joker as Batman’s romantic foil.

Lego Batman demonstrates Batman and Joker are on “finishing each other’s sentences” levels of intimate that Batman refuses to acknowledge. Shown best in how Joker’s plan only works because he can predict exactly how Batman will act once he starts playing hard to get. When he surrenders the entire Rogues Gallery (without telling them) and himself to police custody, he describes it as him being “off the market.” He knows Batman won’t settle for things ending on these terms and tricks the hero into stealing Superman’s Phantom Zone projector so he can recruit a new, better team of villains for a take two of his masterplan from the start. Going through all this trouble to get Batman to say those three magic words; “I love hate you.” Joker as the significant other wanting his partner to finally reciprocate his feelings and commit works both as a play on how the Batman/Joker relationship often gets approached and an extension of the central theme. Batman is so closed off to interpersonal connections he can’t even properly hate his villains.

Sweet Tooth, while clearly being a riff Heath Ledger and Caesar Romero’s Jokers fused with a dash of Willy Wonka, doesn’t have that kind of connection with B@man. Though there are hints that B@man and his recently deceased Joker may have had one on that level. He laments “[Joker]’s in heaven with mom and dad. Making them laugh, I know it!” when recalling how the Clown Prince of Crime was the one person he enjoyed being around. This makes Joker’s death one of the key triggers to B@man reflecting on his solitude at the start of the play.

What Sweet Tooth provides the story is a threat to B@man’s new bond with Rob!n. Disrupting that connection forms the delicious center of the Candy King of Crime’s plan in Act 2. He holds Rob!n and Gotham’s people hostage and asks the citizens to decide via Facebook poll if the sidekick lives or dies (in reference to the infamous phone hotline vote from the comic book story A Death in the Family where readers could decide the Jason Todd Robin’s fate.)

With the rest of the villains under the leadership of the respective works’ main antagonists, there’s commentary on their perceived quality as threats. When Holy Musical has Superman talking to Green Lantern about how much B@man’s popularity frustrates him, he comes down especially hard on the Caped Crusader’s villains. Talking about how they all coast by on simple gimmicks with especially harsh attention given to Two Face’s being “the number two.” Saying they’re only famous because B@man screws up and they get to do more damage. Which he compares to his own relationship with his villains:

Superman: You ever heard of Mr. Mxyzptlk? Green Lantern: No. Superman: No, that’s right! That’s because I do my job!

Lego Batman has commentary on the other villains come from Joker, recognizing that even all together they can never beat Batman, because that’s how a Batman story goes. The other villains get portrayed as generally buffoonish, struggling to even build a couch together and described by Joker as “losers dressed in cosplay.” Tricking Batman into sending him to the Phantom Zone provides him the opportunity to gather villains from outside Batman’s mythos and outside DC Comics in general. Recruiting the likes of Sauron, King Kong, Daleks, Agent Smith from The Matrix, and the Wicked Witch of the West, among others. When I first saw and reviewed The Lego Batman Movie, this bugged me because it felt like a missed opportunity to feature lesser-known villains from other DC heroes’ Rogues Galleries. Now, considering the whole movie as meta-commentary on the status of this Batman as a children’s toy, it makes perfect sense that Joker would need to go outside of comics to break the rules of a typical Batman story and have a shot at winning.

The Rogues of Holy Musical get slightly more of a chance to shine, if only because their song “Rogues are We” is one of the catchier tracks from the play. They’re all still more cameo than character when all’s said and done, but Sweet Tooth entering the picture is about him recognizing their potential to operate as a unit, takeover Gotham, and kill B@man. The candy-pun flinging villain wants all of them together, no matter their perceived quality.

Sweet Tooth: “We need every villain in Gotham. Cool themes, lame themes, themes that don’t match their powers, even the villains that take their names from public domain stories.” (Two Face’s “broke ass” still being the exception.)

Both Joker and Sweet Tooth provide extensions of the shared theme of Batman dealing with the new connections in his life, especially with regards to Robin. However, Robin isn’t the only other ally (or potential ally) these Dark Knights have on their side.

Super Friends(?)

The internal crisis of these Caped Crusaders come as much from how they react to other heroic figures as it does from supervillainous machinations. In both cases how Batman views and is viewed by fellow heroes gets centered on a specific figure, Superman in Holy Musical and Commissioner Barbara Gordon (later Batgirl) in Lego Batman. Each serves a vastly different purpose in the larger picture of their stories and relationship to their respective Batmen. Superman reflecting B@man’s loneliness and Barbara symbolizing a new path forward for Batman’s hero work.

Superman’s role in Holy Musical runs more parallel to Lego Batman’s Joker than Barbara. Brian Holden’s performance as the Man of Tomorrow plays into a projected confidence covering anxiety that nobody likes him. Besting the Bat-plane in a race during B@man’s Key to the City ceremony establishes a one upmanship between the two heroes, like Joker’s description of his relationship with Batman at the end of Lego Batman’s opening battle. Though instead of that romantically coded relationship from Lego Batman, this relationship is more connected to childish jealousy. (But if you do want to read the former into Holy Musical B@man, neither hero has an onstage relationship with any woman and part of their eventual fight consist of spanking each other.)

B@man and Superman’s first real interaction is arguing over who’s the cooler hero until it degrades into yelling “Fuck you!” at each other. B@man storming off in the aftermath of that gets topped off by Superman suggesting he should get the Key to the City instead, citing his strength and longer tenure as a hero (“The first hero, by the way”) as justifications. This only results in the Gotham citizens turning on him for suggesting their city’s hero is anything less than the best, which serves both as a Sam Raimi Spider-Man reference (“You mess with one of us! You mess with all of us!”) and another example of the citizens as stand-ins for fandom. Superman’s veil of cocksureness comes off quickly after that and stays off for the rest of the play. Starting with his conversation with Green Lantern where a civilian comes across them, but barely acts like Superman’s there.

One of the play’s running gags is Superman calling B@man’s number and leaving messages, showing a desperation to reach out and connect with his fellow hero despite initial smugness. Even before the first phone call scene, we see Superman joining B@man to sing “I want to be somebody’s buddy” during “Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight” hinting at what’s to come. The note it consistently comes back to is that Superman’s jealousy stems from Batman’s popularity over him. This is a complete flip of what Lego Batman does with the glimpse at a Batman/Superman dynamic we see when Batman goes to the Superman’s fortress to steal the Phantom Zone projector. The rivalry dynamic there exists solely in Batman’s head, Lego-Superman quickly saying “I would crush you” when Batman suggests the idea of them fighting. Superman’s status among the other DC heroes is also night and day between these works. Where Lego-Superman’s only scene in the movie shows him hosting the Justice League Anniversary Party and explaining he “forgot” to invite Batman, Superman in Holy Musical consistently lies about having friends over (“All night long I’m busy partying with my friends at the Fortress… of Solitude.”)

Superman’s relationship to B@man in Holy Musical develops into larger antagonism thanks to lack of communication with B@man brushing off Supes’ invitations to hang out and fight bad guys (“Where were you for the Solomon Grundy thing? Ended up smaller than I thought, just a couple of cool guys. Me and… Solomon Grundy.”) His own loneliness gets put into stronger focus when he sees the news of Rob!n’s debut as a crimefighter, which makes him reflect on how he misses having Krypto the Super-Dog around. (The explanation for why he doesn’t have his dog anymore is one of my favorite jokes in the play and I won’t ruin it here.)

Where Superman’s a reflection of B@man’s loneliness, Rosario Dawson as Barbara in Lego Batman is a confrontation of Batman’s go it alone attitude. Her job in the story is to be the one poking holes in the foundation of Batman as an idea, starting with her speech at Jim Gordon’s retirement banquet and her instatement as commissioner. She has a by-the-book outlook on crimefighting with the omnicompetence to back it up, thanks to her training at “Harvard for Police.” Babs sees Batman’s current way of operating as ineffectual and wants him to be an official agent of the law. An idea that dumps a bucket of cold water on Batman’s crush he developed immediately upon seeing her, though that never fully goes away.

Her main point is that Batman “karate chopping poor people” hasn’t made Gotham better in his 80 years of operating. A contrast to Holy Musical’s Jim Gordon announcing that B@man has brought Gotham’s crime rates to an all-time low (“Still the highest in the world, but we’re working on it.”) She wants to see a Batman willing to work with other people. A hope dashed constantly dealing with his childish stubbornness as he tries to foil Joker’s schemes on his own, culminating in her arresting Batman and Robin for breaking into Arkham to send Joker to the Phantom Zone.

Barbara’s role as the one bringing grown-up attitudes and reality into Batman’s world does leave her in the role of comedic straight woman. Humor in her scenes comes from how she reacts to everyone else’s absurdity rather than anything she does to be funny. This works for the role she plays in Lego Batman, since she’s not there to have an arc the way Superman does in Holy Musical. She’s another catalyst for Batman’s to start letting people in as another character he grows to care about. Which starts after she lets the Dynamic Duo out of prison to fight Joker’s new army of Phantom Zone villains on the condition that he plays it by her rules. Leading to a stronger bond between Batman, Robin, Alfred, and her as they start working together.

The two Batmen’s relationships to other heroes, their villains, Robin, and their own solitude each culminate in their own way as their stories reach their conclusions.

Dark Knights & Dawning Realizations

As everything comes down to the final showdowns in these Bat-parodies, the two Caped Crusaders each confront their failures to be there for others and allow themselves to be vulnerable to someone they’ve been antagonizing throughout the story. Each climax has all of Gotham threatened by a bomb and the main villains’ plans coming to fruition only to come undone.

Holy Musical has Sweet Tooth’s kidnapping of Rob!n and forcing Gotham to choose themselves or the sidekick they hate sends B@man into his most exaggerated state in the entire play. It’s the classic superhero movie climax conundrum, duty as a hero versus personal attachment. Alfred, having revealed himself as the “other butlers”, even lampshades how these stories usually go only for that possibility to get shot down by Bruce:

Alfred: A true hero, Master Wayne, finds a way to choose both. B@man: You’re right, Alfred. I know what I have to do… Fuck Gotham, I’m saving Robin!

B@man’s selfishness effectively makes him the real villain of Holy Musical’s second act. Lego Batman has shades of that aspect as well, where Batman gets sent to the Phantom Zone by Joker for his repeated refusal to acknowledge their relationship. Where the AI running the interdimensional prison, Phyllis voiced by Ellie Kemper, confronts him with the way he’s treated Robin, Alfred, Barbara, and even Joker:

Phyllis: You’re not a traditional bad guy, but you’re not exactly a good guy either. You even abandoned your friends. Batman: No! I was trying to protect them! Phyllis: By pushing them away? Batman: Well… yeah. Phyllis: Are they really the ones you’re protecting?

Batman watches what’s happening back in Gotham and sees Robin emulate his grim and gritty tendencies to save the day in his absence makes him desperately scream, “Don’t do what I would do!” It’s the universe rubbing what a jerk he’s been in his face. He’s forced to take a look at himself and make a change. B@man’s not made to do that kind of self-reflection until after he’s defeated Sweet Tooth but failed to stop the villain’s bomb. He’s ready to give up on Gotham forever and leave with Rob!n, until his sidekick pulls up Sweet Tooth’s poll and it shows the unanimous result in favor of saving the Boy Wonder. Despite everything they said at the start of Act 2, the people want to help their hero in return for all the times he helped them. All of them calling back to the Raimi Spider-Man reference from Act 1, “You mess with one of us. You mess with all of us.”

Both heroes’ chance at redemption and self-improvement comes from opening themselves up to the people they pushed out and dismissed earlier in their stories. Batman takes on the role he reduced the Commissioner down to at the beginning of the movie and flips on signals for Barbara, Alfred, and Robin to show how he’s truly prepared to work as a team, not just with his friends and family but with the villains of Gotham the Joker pushed aside as well. Teamwork makes the dream work and they’re all able to work together to get Joker’s army back into the Phantom Zone but like in Holy Musical they fail to stop the bomb threatening Gotham. Which he can only prevent from destroying the city by confessing his true feeling to Joker

Batman: If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have learned how connected I am with all of these people and you. So, if you help me save Gotham, you’ll help me save us. Joker: You just said “us?” Batman: Yeah, Batman and the Joker. So, what do you say? Joker: You had me at “shut up!”

The equivalent moment from Holy Musical comes from B@man needing to put aside his pride and encourage a disheartened Superman to save Gotham for him. This happens in the aftermath of a fight the two heroes had where Superman tried to stop B@man before he faced Sweet Tooth, B@man winning out through use of kryptonite. That fight doesn’t fit into any direct parallel with Lego Batman, but it is important context for how Superman’s feeling about B@man before Superman finally gets his long-awaited phone call from the Dark Knight. Also, the song accompanying the fight, “To Be a Man”, is one of the funniest scenes in the play. What this speech from B@man does is bring the idea of Holy Musical B@man as a commentary on fandom full circle:

B@man: I forgot what it means to be a superhero. But we’re really not that different, you and me, at our heart. I mean really all superheroes are pretty much the same… Something bad happened to us once when we were young, so we dedicated our whole lives to doing a little bit of good. That’s why we got into this crazy superhero business. Not to be the most popular, or even the most powerful. Because if that were the case, hell, you’d have the rest of us put out of a job!

This speech extends into an exchange between the heroes about how superheroes are cool, not despite anything superficially silly but because of it. Bringing it back to the “Robin Sucks!” theme that started Act 2, saying “Some people think Robin is stupid. But those people are pretentious douchebags. Because, literally, the only difference between Robin and me is our costumes.” The speech culminates in what I genuinely think is one of the best Batman lines ever written, as B@man’s final plea to Superman is “Where’s that man who’s faster than a gun?” calling back to the trauma that created Batman across all versions and what he can see in someone like Superman. So, B@man sacrificing his pride and fully trusting in another hero saves Gotham, the way Batman letting Joker know what their relationship means to him did in Lego Batman.

Each of these parodies ends by delivering a Batman willing to open himself up to a new team of heroes fighting at his side, the newly minted Bat-Family in Lego Batman and the league for justice known as the Super Friends in Holy Musical. Putting them side by side like this shows how creators don’t need the resources of a Hollywood studio to make something exactly as meaningful and how the best parodies come from love of the material no matter who’s behind them.

If you like what you’ve read here, please like/reblog or share elsewhere online, follow me on Twitter (@WC_WIT), and consider throwing some support my way at either Ko-Fi.com or Patreon.com at the extension “/witswriting”

[game-design-break-down]

Assassin’s Creed: Odyssey

Assassin's Creed Odyssey is a stunning 3rd person action RPG video game and is the 11th major installment in the Assassin's Creed franchise.

Overview -

Every Assassin's Creed game made was set in different locations and era, featured diverse cultures and great characters and Odyssey is no different. The game is set in ancient Greece with its historical story set in 431-422 B.C.

Ubisoft took a different approach to the beloved Assassin's Creed franchise with the development of Assassin's Creed Origins, leaning more towards the RPG style of gameplay. Assassin's Creed Odyssey features a massive open world, one of the biggest (biggest in the franchise) open worlds that, much like Black Flag, puts a lot of emphasis on traversing by sea.

Gameplay -

Assassin's Creed Odyssey has a ton of content for the players to engage in. The main campaign takes just over 40 hours to complete plus the game has a lot of additional content that sums up to and over 100 hours. Assassin's Creed Odyssey hosts a ton of side quests, conquest battles, arenas, fishing, hunting and a beautifully designed massive open world just begging to be explored, keeping the players engaged for days or even weeks (if you love exploration like I do).

After a tutorial masked as the prologue ends, players are provided with 2 playable characters to choose from with both the characters having the exact same story.

Assassin's Creed Odyssey is a systems heavy game with a lot of systems complementing each other, striving to provide a great experience.

Leveling system:

Players earn experience points every time they fight, for every quest completed, every location discovered and completed, every conquest battle won and more. These experience points help players level up. Leveling up increases the player character's health and damage and provides them with a skill point that can be used to unlock skills. Higher the level, stronger the player character is making the combat easier.

Skills:

Players can unlock skills across 3 categories; Hunter, Warrior and Assassin. The skills in these categories increase the damage stats for hunting, combat and assassination or stealth abilities. Each of the categories also have various abilities that can be unlocked, upgraded assigned to the ability wheels that can be used in game.

Abilities:

Assassin's Creed Odyssey has a plethora of abilities that can be unlocked and assigned to ranged and melee ability wheels. Players can equip up to 12 skills at any time, split between 2 melee and 1 ranged ability wheels (4 slots per wheel).

Abilities can be swapped by accessing the abilities menu.

Ranged ability wheel can only consist of Hunter Abilities and they are as follows -

Multi-shot.

Devastating Shot.

Predator Shot.

Spread Shot.

Rain of Destruction.

Overpower Bow Strike.

Ghost Arrows of Artemis.

The two melee ability wheels can consist of the following abilities -

Warrior -

Bull Rush.

Sparta Kick.

Second Wind.

Shield Breaker.

Flaming Attacks.

Ring of Chaos.

Battlecry of Ares.

Assassin -

Venomous Attacks.

Vanish.

Rush Assassination.

Call to Arms.

Hero Strike.

Slow Time.

Shadow of Nyx.

Players also start with some basic abilities that are upgraded automatically when certain conditions are met. The baseline abilities are as follows -

Summon Phobos - To summon Phobos, the player's horse.

Meditation - Allows players to rest and moves time forward.

Eyes of Ikaros - Ikaros, the eagle can be used to tag locations and enemy targets.

Assassination - Allows players to assassinate targets using the Spear of Leonidas.

Leap of Faith - Allows players to smash the ground and stun nearby enemies without taking any damage.

Whistle - Players can whistle to attract enemies.

Man at Arms - Allows players to equip a second weapon from the inventory.

Defensive Maneuvers - Provides players with the ability to dodge or parry right before an attack hits.

Recruit - Allows players to incapacitate and recruit enemies to join the crew of the Adrestia.

Ship Upgrades:

Players can upgrade their ship to increase the ship's health, arrow damage, ramming damage, javelin damage and the ship's armor. The following upgrades increase the previously mentioned properties -

Arsenal - The Arsenal upgrades increase the number of consecutive throws and damage of Javelins and Arrows and also increases the fire buildup and fire power segments of Braziers.

Weapons Damage - The Weapons Damage upgrades increase ramming, arrows and javelin damage.

Ship and Crew Endurance - These upgrades increase the ship's armor and health along with the crew's armor and also increases Rower Stamina that helps use the boost ability a little longer.

Special Lieutenants - Recruiting, hiring and assigning special lieutenants helps increase some properties of the ship.

Ship Cosmetics - As the name suggests, players can customize the look of their ship.

Inventory System:

Assassin's Creed Odyssey features an inventory menu that allows players equip armors and weapons. Player’s equipment are available in 4 different categories; Common, Rare, Epic and Legendary with Legendary equipment being the most powerful. Armors and Weapons are available upon looting and completing quests and they are assigned level numbers. Higher the level, the stronger they are. Players need to be at the same level as their weapons and armor in order to equip them. Armors and weapons can also be upgraded to the player's current level by visiting a Blacksmith. Blacksmiths also have weapons and armor available for purchase and allows players to engrave their equipment that provide special benefits.

Ship upgrades, engraving equipment, crafting arrows require various resources that can be found around the game world, such as; Olive Wood, Iron, Leather, Obsidian Glass and Precious Gems. Most of theses resources can be looted while wandering around. Leather can be acquired by looting hunted animals and fish.

Equipping the right weapons and armory helps increase the following stats of the player -

Health.

Hunter Damage - Increases damage dealt when using the bow and Hunter abilities.

Warrior Damage - Increases damage dealt with melee attacks and Warrior abilities.

Assassin Damage - Increases assassination damage and damage dealt with Assassin abilities.

The inventory menu displays the basic stats mentioned above and difference in stats when equipping a new equipment. It also has an option to view the detailed stats of the player character.

Modes and Extra Content:

As established earlier, Assassin's Creed Odyssey hosts a ton of content players can engage in. I'd like to refer to them as modes and they are as follows -

Conquest Battles:

Conquest Battles are an important means of players establishing dominance in the Peloponnesian War. These battles are available as part of the main story and as side missions that can be undertaken while players explore a region. Players can pick sides while taking up Conquest battles, where the winning side conquers that nation. Conquest Battles are available only when the Power of a Nation is lowered.

Mercenaries:

Mercenaries are powerful enemies wandering around the world. A bounty is placed on the player every time a crime is committed, making the mercenaries hunt players down. Players can avoid being hunt down by paying off all bounties in the Map.

Defeating mercenaries raises the mercenary rank of the player. This information is displayed in the Mercenaries menu. Players can spend hours hunting down the rest of the mercenaries to be the best mercenary in the whole of Greece. Although it should be noted that some mercenaries can be found and defeated in Arenas only.

Combat -

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey’s combat system is more complex than the previous games of the franchise up until Origins. Players can use the equipped weapons to fight enemies, attack enemies from a distance and perform stealth attacks on enemies or assassinate them. The various abilities and skills add variety to the the combat and help deal more damage and help get out of tough situations (depending on the abilities equipped). The game also features a parry and dodge mechanics that help parry and dodge incoming attacks. When the attacking enemy has a red glowing outline, it is advised to dodge as they cannot be parried. There are 2 versions of dodge that can be achieved by wither pressing the dodge button or holding it. The player character upon pressing the button, performs a simple dodge by stepping backwards and holding the button makes the character roll away in the intended direction completely avoiding the attack.

The combat mechanics of the ship are the same since Black flag with changes to the machinery used (due to the change in era) to attack rather than controls or mechanics. Cannons are replaced with arrows and heavy shots with javelins. Although mortars and swivel guns are no longer featured in the game.

Verdict -

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey is an incredible game in every aspect; be it from World Building, Level design, Combat, Story and the freedom it provides the players with. This is a must play game not only for the fans of the franchise but also for people who want to enjoy a well rounded game.

[amoveablejake]

Well, Here We Are

It is time for the obligatory year in review piece, I know, try and contain your excitement. 

Well, here we are. The end of another calendar year. 2020 is drawing to a close and so like many, if not all, journalistic outlets I too will be doing my year in review. Do I count as a journalistic outlet I hear you ask? Yes. I’ve decided that I do. This is my column and I’m going to to pretend that I am a columnist here. And I can’t hear your eye rolls because I’m busy hiding behind my clicking keyboard. 

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about how I wanted to structure my year in review, for instance did I want to go through each category in a classic way and also would I also only speak about things that came out this year. The answer to both, is a no. Instead I am going to present to you my alternative awards for the year. There will still be runners up but the categories may be a little bit all over the place so if you were planning on counting on  a sure thing award winner that might be out the window now. That being said, shall we dive into perhaps the most chaotic awards show you’re going to experience this year. 

The album that I listened to literally on repeat for a week whilst I was working and as result now know ridiculously well. Perhaps too well - Winner: Pink Floyd ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ 

Right. So. Back in April one rainy Monday afternoon I put on ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ to listen to it through in its entirety for the first time. I had heard songs from it before and I was familiar with Pink Floyd’s music before this but this was what sent me down a spiral of their discography, so much so that Spotify have dubbed them my artist of the year based on playtime. Whilst I would not consider them to be my artist of the year, I can’t deny how deep I’ve gone into their library and in particular ‘Dark Side of the Moon’. I quite literally had it playing on repeat for the entirety of that week and now, now I simply don’t know if I ever truly existed before that album. Am I the album? Is the album me? I’m in too deep. 

The best representation of Seattle in a post apocalyptic video game - Winner: ‘The Last of Us Part Two’

Honestly, I know that this category makes it pretty clear that Last of Us was always going to win but that is because if it wasn’t on this list somewhere I think it might have indeed been a federal crime. This year I played both editions of Joel and Ellie’s story pretty much back to back and boy oh boy was that quite the ride. Part Two is a gruesome, grueling, revenge fueled ride that in all honesty is some of the best storytelling I have ever experienced. In any medium. It’s narrative is phenomenal, its game design is unparalleled, the voice acting and soundtrack are both out of this world and the way it looks is breathtaking. It is a game that continuously left me speechless and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I put it down. The fact that Joel looks like my Dad did and wears the same clothes only partly adds to the emotions it makes me feel. Although I won’t pretend the bit where Joel is talking to Ellie didn’t hit me quite hard. But hey, thats the game’s point. Its a story designed to make you feel and oh boy does it achieve that. 

The football player who came out of nowhere to bring life back to my club - Winner: Bruno Fernandes 

It has been a lot ol’ time since I’ve seen a player that I instantly fell for. Bruno Fernandes arrived in Manchester with an already strong reputation but he has completely transformed a team and shows no sign of slowing down. His first twelve months have been unparalleled and the comparisons drawn with a certain other Portuguese player who was worn that red shirt are not only warranted but deserved. 

The band who I’ve been missing all my life: Winner - Niteflyte 

Quite frankly, this is a very hard award to give. There were quite a few front runners however, it has to be Niteflyte. I got introduced to Niteflyte via a podcast about the CIA’s involvement with the soundtrack of the Berlin wall coming down (’Wind Of Change’, listen to it now. Well after you’ve finished reading this piece that is). The podcast only played Niteflyte because one of the figures it was investigating used to manage the band. It was a thirty second sound bite if that and it stopped me in my tracks. I was walking in my old city at the time and I had to stop on the street and find the album the song was from and put it on straight away. I have previously written about Niteflyte and their self titled album on the blog so go back and read that for a more in depth look however, if you take one thing from this it might be that if I was going to give an artist of the year award, lets just say I think I know who it would go to. 

The best motion picture handling of a father that has passed away that I have seen. Ever - Winner: ‘Onward’ 

When I first heard what ‘Onward’ was about I was, hesitant. Any film where a parent particularly a father comes back to life always makes me filled with trepdiation and this was the case when I went to go and watch ‘Onward’ back in March (the last film I saw in the cinema before all of this). Instead, what I found was an incredibly moving and sensitive film about losing a parent that had at its end the best handling of a reunion between father and son that I have ever seen on the big screen. I have watched it a second time since and I still found it to be incredibly well done. ‘Onward’ might well be my film of the year because of it, I’m that impressed. It is also a great film in its own right but hey, I can’t deny why it sticks out in my head. 

The show that keeps on getting better and better: Winner - ‘The Mandalorian’ 

Sigh. Everytime I think that that ‘The Mandalorian’ couldn’t possibly get any better it goes and proves me wrong. This year started off with the finale of series one and it has ended with the conclusion of the second series. It is a masterpiece and for that I don’t want to ruin its ending here. Instead I will say that it does get better and better each week and for this life long die hard Star Wars fan, hell, it might be my favourite Star Wars property. And I know that won’t mean anything to you, but to me, that is saying something. 

Okay, so, I could keep going on and on with these awards however, its the festive period and I don’t want to keep you hanging around too much so instead I am going to include below some honourable mentions with a little sentence about each. 

‘Anxious People’ - If I was to give a book of the year award winner this would be it. In fact its one of my top ten books ever. Its perfection. Read it. Now. 

‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ - Released at the perfect time and all these months later it still captures my heart everytime I go on it. 

‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ soundtrack - Look. I don’t need to make my feelings about this album any clearer. We know I love it and I hope that you’ve listened to it by now and you do too. 

Diego Maradona - The greatest of all time. There’s nothing more to say. 

‘The Prestige’ - Oh boy. I had heard about this film a lot from the IGN UK podcast over the years and it did not disappoint at all. Especially who plays a certain Mr Tesla. That reveal blew me away. 

Joe Exotic - Watching ‘Tiger King’ really felt like event viewing and came along at the perfect time like Animal Crossing. Joe Exotic, I don’t know what to say but he has earned his place on this list thats for sure. 

‘I’ve Got My Second Wind’ - I heard this on one of the early days in January, maybe the second or third and I’ve been listening to it ever since. My song of the year. 

Philippe Auclair - Football journalist and singer. Auclair who features on the Guardian’s Football Weekly podcast regularly is an incredibly articulate speaker and is never afraid to hold the more questionable footballing authorities accountable. One of the writers and figures in football that I look up to the most. Oh and hes an excellent singer. What a man. 

Napoli FC - This was the year that I fell in love with Napoli. Theres no looking back now, I finally found my own team. 

‘Uncharted Four: A Thief’s End’ - The game that showed me, truly, how good games can be. I felt like it was a crime that this game is so perfect. It feels like the inside of my head and I never wanted it to end. 

My brother, James - Look. I know you’re reading this and you more than deserve your place on this list. I was going to give you a proper award but I couldn’t quite get the wording right. Anyway, the point is you’re on the list as you always will be. (And yes, you’re in the same section as Joe Exotic, quite the compliment I know) 

So there we have it. 2020. Hopefully the above gives you something to think about and some things to consume over this festive period before we go again for the new year. This won’t be the final piece for the year but all the same, I hope its a bright 2021 for you, see you in the future. 

- Jake, a man who is immediately re assessing the awards, 27/12/2020

[eurosong]

SF1 vs SF2: My preference

Morning, folks - this is the second part of my look at the semis, since one became two back in 2008, to find whether I’ve historically preferred one semi or another. Every year, we hear talk of one semi being strongest, but do I agree? Part one can be found here!

2014: Semi-final 1 had Calm after the storm, a lesson in elegance in simplicity that I still think should have won; Not alone, a divisive song, but one whose epic instrumentation  I really enjoyed; Moj svijet, one of Montenegro's highlights; and in terms of smaller pleasures, the loveably goofy Cake to bake, the roaring No prejudice, and the uplifting Amazing (which unfortunately wasn't so good live.) It also had the creepy, oedipal Mother, and Running, a fan favourite for many but which I always found very annoying and cynical.

In SF2, we had my personal pick for best Swiss song of this century, Hunter of stars; the smouldering emotion of Silent storm; Georgia bringing the experimentalism once again with Three minutes to earth; the bizarrely wronged, fierce Same Heart; but also, a hell of a lot of unexceptional, filler songs (I put Heartbeat, Something Better, Coming home and Miracle into this category tbh) and some like Rise up and To the sky which actively annoyed me. SF1 wins!

2015: SF1 had some seriously good songs for me - Rhythm inside, one of the best of the Belgian renaissance crop; De la capat, which I found exquisitely moving; the fierce and energetic Warrior; the gentle but poignant Wars for nothing; A million voices, probably Russia’s best effort in the past decade for me; and the sublime Goodbye to yesterday, which I think was well deserving of being at least top 5 that year. It also has the inexorably boring One last breath; the six soloists competing hot mess of Face the shadow; I want your love, a one-man early 2000s boyband throwback where the one member manages to be as annoying as a full quintet; the excruciatingly juvenile Walk along; Autumn leaves, whose qualification over Brod szto tone is a high crime; and Beauty never lies, which was the precise moment Serbia broke this serbophile's heart, abandoning a tradition of using their language and musical tradition with aplomb.

SF2 had the other two thirds of the Baltic annus mirabilis: the delightfully cute and catchy This time and Aminata's soaring, epic Love injected. We also had Montenegro's best ever for me, the heartbreaking and yet affirming Adio; A monster like me, Norway's best song in the past 20 years for me; and a trio of beautiful songs whose non-qualification still surprises me, the delicate Playing with numbers, delightfully saudadic Há um mar que nos separa and the baroque Hope never dies. On the other hand, it also has my least favourite winner of the decade; the worst of the two years Warriors by far from Malta; the dull, repetitive duo of songs that "helpfully" cushioned Heroes, Unbroken and Time to shine; and one of those “annual fan faves I can’t get behind”, the advert for nasal spray that was Here for you. Nonetheless, SF2 takes it!

2016: SF1 was a nightmare semi for me in that my biggest favourites, Jüri's dark but inviting Play, Bosnia's catchy fusion of traditional local music and rap in Ljubav je, and the sensationally wronged Hear them calling all ended not qualifying. Amongst the qualifiers, I quietly enjoyed the rousing Pioneer, the imperious Lovewave and the contemplative Slow down, but most of the other songs - qualifiers or not - annoyed me to some degree, like the generic Sing it away and Falling stars; the hymn to co-dependence that was I stand; the inane, repetitive, bubblegummy Loin d'ici; the dull Walk on worrah; and Miracle, whose qualification was a miracle - from the devil.

In SF2, my favourite also did not qualify - a crime of treason against queen Kaliopi and her deeply moving Dona. I also was hoping that the Slovenian Taylor Swift's quietly sweet Blue and red could get through, but no dice. Luckily, my other big favourites in this semi did get through - the defiant Shelter and perhaps the most uplifting song of the last decade, If love [were] a crime. I also really liked Heartbeat, Aminata's equally accomplished sophomore effort, and the delectable slice of mid-90s britrock that was Midnight Gold. This semi also had the whining puppy lament that was Colo[u]r of your life; the lolcow hotmess that was Last of our kind; two songs in one and neither were good in Icebreaker; and  the prissy Made of Stars. SF2 takes it!

2017: SF1 had the delicate, quietly moving City lights; the dark and experimental Skeletons, Azerbaijan's best song ever for me; Amar pelos dois, one of my most favourite ESC songs ever and whose poignancy still hits me in the heart; the soaring Fly with me, perhaps Armenia's greatest moment so far for me; as well as the inexplicable non-qualifiers Blackbird, the deep and meaningful Paper, whose message about depression really got to me; the low key lovely My turn and the banging Line. It also had a ghoulish Keep the faith; the fuckboi anthem that was I can't go on; the embarassing Space; the generic and badly sung This is love; and the equally dull Gravity, On my way, Flashlight and Don't come easy, the last three of which were real dirges.

In SF2, we had the riproaring, cri de coeur that was Origo; Belarus' best for me, the delectable, sweet Story of my life; Dance alone, which was great at least as a record;  the guilty pleasure Yodel it and the surprisingly moving Lights and shadows. We also had the twee Running on air, the dull Breathlessly, the earache-inducing Spirit of the night; the abomination that was Maaa fwenn/Moy frenndddd; Grab the moment, which left me completely cold; the generic I feel alive; the unsympathetic Beautiful mess; and the song that put me against thousands of people I know who were raving about it, the 80s throwback and awkward Verona. SF1 wins easily.

2018: SF1 had Mall, my #1 that year, which absolutely blew me away with the combination of lyrics, voice, music and pure emotion, and my #2, Nobody but you, probably the best gospel-tinged song ever sent to ESC for my money. I also really liked the quietly moving When we're old; Lost and found was one of my most listened to tracks before thát performance; and whilst I was dubious about Together's tangentially-related staging, it gave me the good kind of shivers on the night. The rest of the semi is most unremarkable for me, though I have to note that I heavily dislike Fuego, Monsters and the written in 3 minutes-feeling X my heart.

SF2 had another rock out moment with Outlaw in em; the visceral Viszlát nyár; the overlooked but superior feminist anthem of the year in Hvala ne;  the criminally underrated, poetic Inje; Goodbye, which tore my heart remembering friends lost; and the bizarrely overlooked, sad but sensual Funny girl. It also had the ironically titled That's how you write a song; the deeply irritating Dance you off; the torturous I won't break; embarassing Light me up and overblown Taboo. SF1 has the two songs that I found the most beautiful of the year, but SF2 has a higher proportion of songs that I found good, so SF2 clinches it.

So, in 11 years, it’s been really even. SF1 has been the stronger of the two semis for me 5 times, SF2 6 times. This year, it’s difficult to guess whether SF2 will go 7-5 for me or whether SF1 will tie it up, 6 years each. We’re excitingly close to seeing!

[fyrapartnersearch]

The next Wild Hunt commences.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Phew, let's try this again shall we? I've received great many responses which positively surprised me :) I've managed to find some partners, but most of the people who contacted me, just sent me a friend request on Discord without even writing me a message. This gives me nothing to work with. Please, I implore you, if you want to start a RP partnership with me, write me a detailed email first! Describe yourself, your ideas and preferences. I want to get to know you before we move to another platform to chat OOC, alright? 

And for the future, do NOT ghost me! Thank you :) I’ll keep it short and sweet for my introduction. I am Fenry, but you may address me as Fen. Obviously this is not my real name but I would like to keep a pseudonym as my identity until I get to know my partner better. 



I am 25 years and that means adult themes and topics will be included

Female

Over 10 years of roleplaying experience

Masters graduate

I live in CET, Europe

Prefers doubling, though I can make exceptions

We can exchange more information once I’ve received your message. I love talking outside of the Roleplay for some brainstorming and plotting for the story. Plus, making new friends never hurts.

Now to the actual topic what I am looking for in a partner.

Please read before you message me!

Thank you.



My roleplaying partner must be above the age of 18, preferably 20+. 
I don’t care which gender honestly, as long as the Roleplay and friendship is good I am all for it. Contact me with a small introduction. Tell me about yourself, what you’re ideas are, how long you’ve been writing and your limits. I want to know more about you, assess your character before we move to anything else. It would otherwise come off as impersonal. 



The qualities I prefer in an RP buddy are: 


Mature

Dedicated

Detailed

Literate

Frequent (which doesn’t mean that you need to send me 5 messages per day. 2-3 times per week is absolutely fine since I am not able to respond as much either)

Flexible

We all have real, social lives outside of the roleplaying world. I understand when you’re not able to reply as fast all of the time, because it is not much different for me either. I will try to respond at least 4-5 times a week. If it’s a good week, my replying rate will increase depending on the given situation. If there’s work ahead or any sort of obstacle that might get in the way of our exchange, I will let you know as soon as I possibly can! I promise you this! 
But I also hope you do the same when there’s something that might cause a hiatus.




I am looking for LONGTERM and CONTINUOS Roleplays! My partner should be very committed because otherwise, it wouldn’t make a lot of sense and we might as well drop it.





When it comes to my writing style and preferences, I will list these things here for you to read.

Writing: I am a multi-paragraph sort of writer, which means that frequently, my writing will exceed at least 500 words, and upward of 1000+ words. I love detail in description, and I am actively seeking someone of the same infamy. Generally, I tend to write in the 3rd person. I’ve also tested the waters of 1st person but found it fairly awkward, if not, jarring so I’d rather keep it with 3rd person.

Pairings: I openly play characters of both genders, preferable m x f pairings, but I am open to m x m and f x f relationships as well. I have more experience with m x f relationships, so I might excel in this category more than I would do with the others. However, like I said, do not let this deter you. Very much open to other sexual orientations and preferences. Romance and intimate erotic scenes are always a part of the story, so if you are someone who prefers fading to black, I am afraid to tell you that my request isn’t something for you. This is not negotiable, sorry.

Genres: I am versatile when it comes to genres and settings that I like to play in. Supernatural is my absolute jam, especially urban and gothic fantasy, maybe even a bit of mythology as well? 
Anything involving vampires, werewolves, demons, witches, shape shifters, aliens, mutants, other urban creature of folklore, given some sort of modern day spun, is absolutely perfect for me. I also really love science fiction in its many forms. Primarily, I take my sci-fi craving inspirations from Star Wars, Mass Effect, and even Destiny (even though I did not really enjoy the games…). Another genre that I’ve vast interest in includes that of the superhero genre. I’m a big fan of both Marvel and DC fandom, and the concept of having humans with abilities, anything of that short would be awesome to do. Against, these would be with original characters on my part. I’m not as fond of general real-life or general modern day genres and themes without a good, complex idea attached to it.

Characters: Faceclaims, GIFs, drawings, mood boards or just a plain physical description is absolutely welcome / sufficient. I am not someone who necessarily needs a face claim for a character in order ‘to get the picture’. There are many instances where I could not find a suiting match for my character’s definition, so I resorted to drawing them myself or leaving it with a simple description. 
Characters should have flaws - that is a no brainer obviously, since nobody likes a Mary Sue / Gary Stu - but also some unique traits that make them stand out and remain memorable. I take inspiration from JK Rowling or George R.R. Martin for example as each of their character remains very unique and unforgettable in my opinion. They definitely did something right and I want to emulate that, so don’t be afraid to be rather bold with your character creation. Let your imagination run wild and surprise me with your ideas!

World building & plotting: An active roleplayer is wanted in this category, without a doubt. I love to world-build, but I tend to lose interest when I am the only one who puts in the effort into it. I can’t do the thinking for two people, so I implore you to at least share the burden (which should not be regarded as such because roleplaying is a fun hobby and nothing more). Too often I find people shying away from it in this regard. If I feel that I’m carrying the weight of the world-building part with specific ideas, I will end the Roleplay in immediately. And consider that the world building is just the tip of the beginning, so from that, I’ll be able to see whether we’ll be a match or not. Because we’d be starting from scratch with whatever we do, it would be a big relief to have someone who doesn’t mind letting ideas flow to set up the universe that we will be roleplaying in.

Content: I find writing erotic, dramatic or action packed scenes very enjoyable. I don’t hinder myself when certain subjects are mentioned that may be uncomfortable for the general public. But then again, as a reminder, a Roleplay is not reality but fiction. For example situations that heavily imply and involve brutality, mayhem, psychological and physical torture are things that need exploration.

Characters should be fully fleshed out, even the not so pretty parts of one’s personality and actions. There is no black and white, but a wide ranging spectrum of grey areas. A story does not always end well and life is never fair, so to implement this into a Roleplay, it would make a fantastic and very exciting story. Nothing is ever certain, people have their ups and downs… we shouldn’t make an exception here. I am not afraid to delve into even more sinister areas such as psychological trauma if its needed to further the story. I want to be as transparent as I possibly can. I have very few limits. The only subjects I will not touch, or rather avoid are heavy graphic rape scenes, bestiality, necrophilia and pedophilia. Other than that everything is fair game. What I also find quite fascinating is describing someone’s mental as well as physical transformation, ascending to a higher or lower state of being, etc. The process of metamorphosis, may it be the manipulation or corruption of someone… it all is quite eerie and at the same time, intriguing. It all leads to the progression of the story, so be warned that we won’t be walking on egg shells here. 


The story will not be solely centred on dark themes. I love me a mixture of everything, including drama, fluff, angst, action, comedy, romance, adventure, mystery and so forth.


Let’s lighten up a bit, kay? :)

The ones I’ve marked in bold are the ones I am currently itching for the most.




Original plots I am absolutely craving for are:




Genres:


anything mafia related

crimes in remote locations

small towns and supernatural happenings

post apocalyptic/dystopia

supernatural/modern fantasy (demons and devils, monster x hunter)

southern/mid western gothic

murder mystery (small town or big city)

modern/dark fairy tale retellings

sci-fi/cyberpunk

emotionally charged/dark and gritty

superpowers/gifted

unresolved sexual tension/slow burn

mythology

redemption

action

Pairings:

age gaps (non pedophiliac)

friend x best friend’s older sibling

enemies to lovers

cop x criminal

friends turned lovers/pining

grumpy x sunshine

dark hearted man melting for the innocent woman

reunited old lovers and/or friends

boss x employee

neighbours

mentor x mentee

hitman x victim

hurt/comfort

height differences

pet names

rich x poor (or noble and peasant / different social classes)

The Fandoms I am willing to do, although I prefer to make something original:

Films & television:

Marvel cinematic universe

Pacific Rim

Castlevania

Game of Thrones

Riverdale

Young Justice

Voltron

Constantine

Harry Potter

Star Wars

Games: 

Witcher III

Devil May Cry

Bayonetta

God of War

Star Wars

Dark Souls

My Roleplaying platform is mostly on email or google docs! I also would like to keep in touch with my partner over a different medium, preferably Discord.

 To contact me use these links here:


EMAIL: mynioncosplay@gmail.com

DISCORD: Fenry#4086


Find me there.

Here are two passwords that you can use in the headline so I know what you want to role-play.


*For ORIGINAL Roleplay, the password is:  Follow me and you shall be

free *For CANON Roleplay, the password is:  I will follow you until the end

#original #OC #supernatural(original, not TV) #longterm #email #googledocs #paragraph #detailed #partner #dedicated #fantasy #canon #doubling #chat #friend 

[smiling-penelope]

His Best Fabrikator - Her Harmless Durast

What of the boy who sits alone with his knowledge? He creates things with his hands that, although he never uses, are used against others. He notices more around him than others give him credit for, yet he still does not notice enough. He stands in the background, but he is always a part of the pivotal points of war.

"David's crime was hunger for knowledge, not power."

A vignette style sort of character study of David Kostyk: who he is, what he does, how he loves.

Posted this fic about David Kostyk on AO3 ages ago (want to read it there instead? click here), thought I’d share it now here! (~6,000 words so buckle up):

David’s attention has never been good. Or at least, not in the way that matters to other people. He sits at his workbench and the day flows around him, unnoticed even as it grows dark and he has need to light a candle. People talk, but unless they say his name sharply he assumes that they aren’t talking to him. Sometimes he forgets to eat, sustaining himself only on tea that has long gone cold. His workbench is more familiar to him than his pillow or bed and there have been spans of days where he has neglected them altogether.

David’s attention has always been good. He asks himself a question and it is all he cares about until he can find its solution. He can pick apart theorems, equations, and systems for hours on end without his brain tiring. There is nothing that can truly distract him from those things. Even when his body finally demands that its needs be met, David at least continues to think. His hands may stop turning the pages the pencil finally rested on the table, but there is no end to the workings of his mind.

He divides his world into three categories: things he understands, things that are worth understanding, and things that aren’t worth understanding. But with closer examination it is apparent that the three categories can actually be simplified to two: science and people.

David’s house is made of science. The walls are the known and the foundation the unknown. His house does not have a roof, but it is unclear if there are any doors or windows. Either way, he stays safely inside it, kept warm by ideas and folded securely into questions.

Science is understandable and worth understanding. People and the workings of society are not.

“What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.” The philosopher that wrote these words talked of amplifiers and the reasons why Grisha can only ever possess one.

Alina Starkov read it and thought of power. She wasn’t the only one.

But when David read it, his mind caught on the vastness of the universe. He held the idea close to his heart while his mind slipped over the other half the way a stream slips over a pebble. For what does David know of greed? He does not desire in the same way that most men do. Or if he does, the want is small and easy to ignore.

There is a hunger in David. An urge to learn. A need to understand. Where some chase love, power, or money, he is only focused on knowledge. His high is not found in the fight or between the sheets, it is in the revelations, in the workings of the universe.

~*~

When he was a small child, the Grisha Examiners came to test him. One wore red, another wore purple, and the third wore blue. They knocked on the door and asked his mother where he was. With the exasperation of a person who had long stopped trying to understand her son she pointed them to the backyard. The examiners found him with his hands deep in the mud.

Where other children might have been searching for worms, making mud pies, or just digging for the sake of digging, David was trying to figure out why the ground became soft when it rains but the rocks remain hard. He had asked his mother, but she only shook her head and said that it was just the way things were.

The three grisha walked up to him, however the boy did not notice even when they called out a greeting.

The one who wore blue tilted his head in contemplation. And it wasn’t until the he reached down to still the boy’s searching hands that David looked up.

The one who wore red hesitated, knowing that she would also have to reach out to the child to see if he had the ability they sought, but not wanting to get mud on her kefta.

The one who wore purple smiled to himself, already knowing that the boy was different.

After determining that David was in fact Grisha, the man in blue started to give him the usual talk, but he had only unusual responses in return.

“You will have the finest clothes, the finest food, whatever your heart desires,” he said. “Would you like that?”

“Not really.” David replied, his hands already back to shifting through the soil.

The woman in red frowned as she dusted some stray mud from the edge of her sleeve. “And just what are you doing?” She asked him.

With the exasperation of a person who is used to being interrupted by people who never understand him, he explained.

The young man in purple smiled and knelt before David, not caring about the mud. “And what if I told you that the place we want to take you to will answer all of your questions and more? You will learn more in your first year with us than you would in a lifetime with your parents.”

And so it was not promises of sweets or warm furs that brought David to the Little Palace, but the promise of knowledge and answers to his questions.

Yet after years of learning, there is a question that shifts around uneasily in the back of his mind. He doesn’t dare ask it though, because for the first time in his life he isn’t sure if he wants to know the answer.

“Why does Genya Safin spend so much time in the Materialki workshops when she is not a Durast or Alkemi?”

It is a question that doesn’t fit into the categories that David has divided his world into, yet he has it nonetheless. He is used to being confused about the actions of others around him. What he is not used to is caring.

~*~

Genya leans over his workbench and runs her finger along a blueprint he had been working on. She is closer to him that anyone has been in a long time, but David finds that he doesn’t mind. She smells nice, like some kind of flower and marzipan.

“Wouldn’t this work better if you reversed the polarities?” She asks.

“No.” David doesn’t bother to explain. It only ever slows him down.

She crosses her arms, “Why not?”

With an unrestrained sigh he starts to explain it to her, but halfway through he pauses realizing that she is actually correct. For the first time in hours he looks up from his workbench. She smiles in her victory and David’s stomach seems to drop suddenly, like a meniscus on a burette with an open tap. He doesn’t mind the feeling.

His eyes drop back to the blueprint, but the titrant has already been dispensed from the burette and the resulting solution’s pH has changed. For once he has no idea what it means.

~*~

The Darkling also visits David and asks him questions about his work. They are educated questions and sometimes they lead David along new and unexpected paths. He is excited at the new directions, but for some reason the questions also tend to put him on edge.

One day the Darkling wants to speak of amplifiers. He gives David new knowledge of things that should be impossible, lays out theories that aren’t in any of the books he’s read. The ideas are madness and yet at the same time they make sense. David mulls them over, and though the Darkling doesn’t mention Ilya Morozova by name, he finds himself knowing intuitively where the the theories came from. He has had heard rumors passed around by other Materialki and his sharp mind immediately makes the connections.

The Darkling wants David to make an amplifier like no other. However, great power comes at a cost and in this case the price is freedom.

The Darkling assures David that he would control the wearer’s power only if it were absolutely necessary. He claims that he doubts it would ever come to that.

David sketches out a collar made of antlers and remembers one of Ilya Morozova’s names, the Bonesmith. A voice in the back of his head whispers merzost. He ignores it.

For what does David know of greed? He knows that the universe is infinite, but he has not yet learned of the limitlessness of man’s greed. He has not yet realized his own greed in his unrelenting thirst for knowledge.

~*~

David can’t meet Alina’s eyes. Her shoulders are hunched, angling her away from the Darkling, yet she still stands tall, defiant. He doesn’t know why.

She says his name in her plea, “Don’t do this.” David has never been begged before. He glances at her for a moment, but his eyes can’t hold hers and he hurriedly looks away.

The Darkling speaks, “David understands the future.”

He thought that he did, but the wide panic of Alina’s eyes contrasted with the narrowed anger of the Darkling’s makes him uncertain. The Darkling had promised him that he would only control Alina’s powers if necessary. For the good of Ravka.

One girl for the good of Ravka. David knows statistics better than most, but even if he didn’t the situation would still be clear. What is one person for an entire country?

“He knows better than to fight it.” The way the Darkling speaks grates on him. How many times have people told him that he should know better because he is so smart? All his life people have used his intellect as an insult against him when his perfectly rational actions offend them for some reason.

But fighting wouldn’t be rational and he isn’t planning on fighting anyways. So why does he feel insulted? Why does the Darkling’s voice feel like a dagger at his throat?

David stands behind Alina’s right shoulder and waits. She flinches when the Darkling’s fingers graze her skin to hold the stag’s antlers around her neck.

David melts the pieces together with a slow wave of his hands. The inorganic minerals knit together until the collar is one seamless piece of bone.

The Bonesmith.

Disgust churns in his stomach, but he has already finished something that cannot be undone. He lets the collar fall from his fingers and whispers. “It’s done.”

The Darkling closes his fingers over Alina’s left shoulder and the night shatters around them. Light pours from her, bright and intense, radiating out in every direction. Wave after wave, each more unnecessary than the last.

“What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.”

~*~

The Darkling lied.

~*~

David sits at his workbench as the days flow around him, people die, and allegiances shift until a collared women sits across from him. She rests on the same stool that Genya used to use. He wonders where she is, but as with most questions regarding Genya Safin, David is too afraid to ask.

Alina asks him what he knows and the way she speaks reminds him of the Darkling, but he tells her the truth anyways. David hasn’t learned very much about people, but he knows enough to recognize the hurt in her eyes when he tells her that he knew she would become a slave.

David’s allegiances never shifted. He has always been for Ravka, for others. But he put his faith in the wrong person. He struggles to tell her this. He has never been very good with words.

“I make things. I don’t destroy them.” The Materialki says as he stares at his ink soaked hands. They might as well be stained with blood. Distantly his mind reminds him that they both contain iron.

She sits there for a while, contemplating his words, and David waits for her judgement. He doesn’t think he has ever looked away from his work for this long while in the workshop. A deep aching part of him wishes that it was Genya he was spending his time looking at.

But it turns out that Alina has no judgement, or at least none that she expresses. She merely wishes him luck on his current project as she turns to leave.

David hunches over his papers again. “I don’t believe in luck.” He says and he means it. Or at least, he knows that he used to mean it. Because if luck can keep Genya safe wherever she is then he hopes that she has more than her share of it.

~*~

He is working on the rooftop when Alina decides she has more questions to ask of him. The gigantic mirrored dishes he is making are slow going and frustrating in a way no other project has been for him. There isn’t enough time. Not enough time to make them and make them right. And never enough time for them to be ready for the Darkling’s return.

He thinks she wants to ask more things about Ilya Morozova and he snaps at her. He doesn’t mean to; he has been trying to work on the way he speaks with others. Genya used to mumble under her breath when she thought that David wasn’t paying attention or being purposefully obtuse. She wanted him not just to talk to others, but to make sure that he properly explained things, including himself.

Instead Alina asks if her collar can be removed. But the cost of her power is still freedom. To break it would be to kill her and all of Ravka, if not the world. The potential catastrophic results would make the Fold look like a paper cut.

He wonders why she has not asked him sooner. He wonders why she is asking him now. Doesn’t she know that if the collar could be removed that David would have offered to do so?

“Oh.” She responds softly. Her eyes are haunted and David knows that he has played a role in that. That it is not just the Darkling’s greed for power that has led them here. It is also David’s greed for knowledge.

Alina takes a bottle of ink from his hands that he doesn’t remember picking up to fiddle with. She finally gives him her judgement. “If you hadn’t done it, the Darkling would have found someone else.”

It is neither the judgement he expected nor the one he thought he deserved. It is forgiveness. David wonders how he ever thought that the way Alina speaks reminded him of the Darkling.

She sets the ink down, out of his reach, and for some reason he knows that now is his chance, maybe his only chance. He asks a question about Genya Safin.

“I heard…” He stutters a little, “I heard that Genya was on the ship. With the Darkling.”

“Yes.” Alina responds simply and without elaboration. David suddenly realizes how annoying his own short responses must be. No wonder Genya mumbled under her breath.

“She’s all right?”

“I don’t know. She was when we escaped.” The woman seemed to hesitate over something before finally saying. “I begged her to come with us.”

“But she stayed?”

Alina nods and David’s heart hurts. How had they found themselves on opposite sides of a war?

“I don’t think she felt like she had a choice.”

David knows that feeling.

“I should have…” What? What should he have done? He wasn’t sure, but he knew that he could have done more.

“We do the best we can.” Alina offers.

David’s eyes return to his work and he frowns. Maybe other people did the best they can, people like Alina. But David definitely hasn’t.

~*~

The glass dishes work.

They are terrifyingly destructive and David made them.

I make things to destroy.

The crowd of Grisha cheer.

~*~

There wasn’t enough time. The warning bells sounded and even though the dishes were ready, there still wasn’t enough time. The nichevo’ya are on them in seconds and without Alina the dishes lie there, useless. Two of the nichevo’ya knock a dish off the roof. One of the fabrikators goes with it. Paja. She had been smart, useful, patient.

She screams as she falls and David thinks it is the worst sound he had ever heard. But then there is the sound of shattering glass, magnified by the gigantic size of the object breaking, and Paja stops screaming. David realizes that the silence where there should be noise, should be life, is actually the worst sound.

He had been standing in a daze since the warning bells sounded, but now he leaps into action and throws an explosive grenatki.

I make things to destroy.

For the past few weeks a riffle has been strapped to his back and David has hated every minute of it. Now he awkwardly shifts it into his hands and does his best to hold back the unstoppable.

“David!” Alina arrives to the roof and even though it is too late, even though one dish is nowhere near as powerful as two, he signals the Grisha operating the dish anyways. The blast is stronger than he thought it would be and he realizes that it is actually Alina who is stronger.

He thought that he had seen the depth of her powers in the woods when the Darkling used it without restraint. Something in the back of his mind does not quite add up, but even David finds it hard to do sums amidst this chaos.

Scorching beams cut through the shadows. It is still no use. People die. His friends die. People who he grew up with, knew for most of his life, are snuffed out and there is nothing he can really do to stop it.

They retreat from the roof.

Inside the Little Palace they try their best to plan, but David knows statistics and he sees no likelihood of a good outcome. Even Alina warns them that the odds aren’t good. For some reason this almost calms him and he suddenly finds himself speaking. “At least with the nichevo’ya it will be relatively quick. I say we go down fighting.”

The other grisha look at him in a surprise that reflects his own shock.

I do not make things to destroy. I make things to survive.

He turns to Alina and looks her in the eyes, “We do the best we can.”

He is almost calm, because he is finally doing the best he can. He isn’t just sitting in the workshop as everything else passes him by. He is throwing grenatki, he is running, he is shooting, he is fighting.

His heart beats to the memory of Genya’s laughter.

In the chapel Alina and the Darkling argue over the fate of the world. He sees the ebb and flow of greed between them and hopes that Alina won’t be sucked under by its current.

And then, for a moment, the world stops it rotation around its axis, around the sun, around the galaxy’s center. David wouldn’t have thought it possible, would have frowned at the very suggestion of it and immediately launched into a detailed explanation of gravitational rotation.

However, the Darkling places his hand on a hooded woman’s shoulder and says, “Show them,” and the resulting action causes everything to stop. The shawl falls away from Genya’s face and even David’s heart stills for just a moment.

There is a loud moan and David realizes that it’s coming from him. Gravitational rotation returns with a vengeance and David stumbles. He runs forward and ignores everything but Genya. He reaches for her and she flinches.

David hesitates, not wanting to hurt her any more than she has already has been. She is covered in bite marks, raised black ridges of flesh and twisting lumps of tissue. Genya starts to cry with the only eye she has left to cry with. David wraps her into him and slowly leads her away.

The Darkling could kill him at any moment, strike him down in an instant, David doesn’t care.

~*~

They call her Razrusha’ya, the Ruined.

David has no idea what they mean.

~*~

She is crucible steel, a complex mixture of iron, sand, and ashes heated by petroleum coke until it forms a heterogeneous molten liquid. When it cools it doesn’t set uniformly, instead there is a varied pattern like wood grain. Some places are worn away to become smooth, bright, and shimmer in the light. Other places are sharpened to an edge. There are also cracks. Some are large, obvious weak points. Others are hard to see, but still present and dangerous. There are parts of her welded together in her best attempt to remain whole.

She is crucible steel and she is beautiful. He spends more time with her than anyone else. The rest are too fast for her. He stays behind and as he supports her unsteady steps he analyzes her composition. He marvels at her fundamental strength, but he also marvels at her weaknesses. He catalogs every crack, fracture, and embrittlement. He examines the weld points and wonders at the heat that must have been generated to make them.

~*~

He hates the caves for a different reason than everyone else. They can’t stand the tight spaces, the lack of sunlight, the rumbling of the earth settling, or the feeling of being buried alive. He hates the caves because they are damp.

Moisture kills books, degrades them, and blackens them with mold. He finds Ilya Morozova’s journals, the discovery of a lifetime, cruelly piled in puddles of rot. Pages are torn, spines are bowed, priceless information is lost forever.

He shrieks, “You can’t. . . you can’t have kept Morozova’s journals in here. It’s a bog!”

His eyes go wide in horror, but as he looks around nobody seems to care as much as him. The Apparat with his priest guards shrug and, though his fellow students look grim, they say nothing.

David thinks that he might cry.

A tentative hand rests on his arm as Genya offers him comfort. He is reminded that knowledge is not as important as people, that his greed is in knowledge, that his knowledge has led to others’ deaths.

He is reminded that Morozova’s knowledge has killed countless people and irrevocably broken his country’s back.

David regains his composure, and though he mutters under his breath, he puts the lives of the people in these caves over the lives of the books. He throws himself into his work, but it is not with abandon.

~*~

“What in the world has happened to your hair?” Genya asks him in horror.

“I cut it.” David replies. He frowns, wasn’t that obvious?

“Why?”

“It kept falling in my eyes, costing me time to push it back. So I got rid of it.”

Her horrified face quivers for a moment and David is worried that he has hurt her, but then she bursts out laughing.

“Come here.” She sits him down on a chair with its back to her. Gentle fingers comb through his hair and he closes his eye with content at the feeling. The soft scraping sounds of a pair of scissors fills the air and he can feel the tickle of hair falling free from his head.

When she is done she hands him a mirror. He can’t really tell a difference. It’s just hair. But it is worth it for her smile.

“We are never letting you near another pair of scissors again.”

“… But I need them for my work.”

~*~

David keeps better care of his watch than he does of himself. He may not care so much about the rise and fall of the sun above them, but the others do and he cares about them. At one point it becomes clear that Tolya needs to be able to tell time more than him if their plan is going to work. He gives the watch to him.

~*~

Since the night of the attack on the Little Palace, David has learned about Alina’s fetter. Stray pieces of the puzzle that he did not know were missing suddenly come together. He pours over the journals to learn just how the impossibility of two amplifiers for one grisha has come to exist.

“What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.”

He knows she will go for a third amplifier.

~*~

He develops a salve for Genya to help her wounds heal and to relieve her pain. It also lessens her scarring, but he doesn’t particularly care about that. He is just happy that it makes Genya happy.

When they first came to the caves she locked herself away. He tried to lure her out and so did Alina, but nothing worked. It wasn’t until Tamar challenged her into combat practice that she finally left her room. A part of David wished that he had been the person to bring her out of that darkness, but the part was small and inconsequential compared to the rest of him that was overjoyed that she had come out at all.

She continues to keep her face covered, but David knows that she is stronger than that. Maybe not now, maybe not for a while, but one day she will walk without shame.

He hopes that she will let him walk beside her.

~*~

Alina gives him the options to stay in the caves, to hide away in the archives while they go to search for the firebird, to be safe from the fight. He doesn’t even consider it.

But he brings the journals with him.

~*~

The tunnel explodes and collapses around them.

“Metan yez.” David informs them, explosive marsh gas.

They almost lose Sergei and Stigg. Once they get them out everyone sits on the ground and breaths uneasily.

“Everyone okay?” Mal asks.

“Never better.” Replies Genya, but her words shake.

David raises his hand. “I’ve been better.”

Everyone starts to laugh and David isn’t sure why. This happens to him a lot, but this time he is able to laugh with them. He knows that they are his friends and that they aren’t truly laughing at him.

He wouldn’t have known that a year ago.

~*~

David is almost killed on multiple occasions, slowed down by the weight of Morozova’s journals in his pack.

He keeps it on.

~*~

Prince Nikolai comes to their rescue. David has always liked him, smart and invested in knowledge and discovery. He takes them to the spinning wheel, each mode of transport more inventive than the last. David is more excited that he has been in a while.

And then the King demands to see Genya.

She looks faint and her eye is widened like a corned animal. He doesn’t know why, but Alina does. She takes Genya aside and builds her up. When she returns she takes David’s hand in hers. He looks at her questioningly, but he is unsure what his question is. Even if he did, he guesses that he would be afraid to ask it.

She stands before the King and Queen of Ravka and though she trembles, she stands tall.

She is crucible steel.

She trembles and she is beautiful.

Genya gives explanations for her cracks and fractures, glances at David then looks away in shame. He never wants her to look at him that way again, never wants her to be afraid of his judgment.

The King pauses in front of Genya and David has never hated a man more, even the Darkling. It is irrational, that he should care more about what one man has done to one woman than he cares about what another man has done to a country. But David is learning that the world is not a rational place.

“At least now you look like what you truly are, ruined.” The word from the King’s lips hits her like a slap.

Mal raises his fists, Tamar’s hands move to her axes, and Toya growls. David’s doesn’t move, doesn’t breathe. He has no weapon. He suddenly wishes that he had his rifle from the Little Palace slung over his shoulder. If he did, he would shoot the monster in the bladder. He would live, but he would also suffer under the pain and embarrassment.

Genya halts the other’s movements with her hand and somehow holds herself even higher. She whispers something in his ear and the King of Ravka pales before her in fear.

“I hope that the taste of me was worth it.”

David doesn’t know what he hopes.

She is crucible steel, but she sags when the King and Queen are finally gone.

David reaches for her and she shakes him off with a snarl. “Don’t!” She wipes at her lone eye, to prevent the tears that threaten to fall.

“I don’t want your pity. You don’t understand.” She covers her beautiful face with her hands, something she hasn’t done since the caves. “None of you do.”

David tries again, says her name softly, but she still lashes out, a cornered animal. “Don’t you dare. You never looked at me twice before I was like this, before I was broken. Now I’m just something for you to fix.”

He has never thought that she is broken, has never thought that she needed fixing. He saw her wounds, the cracks, the fractures, but he didn’t stand beside her to mend them. He knows that she can mend them herself, has mended some of them herself. He has seen the welded parts of her soul and they are just as beautiful.

David has only ever wanted to stand beside her.

He is not good at words, but he tries anyways.

“I know metal.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I… I don’t understand half of what goes on around me. I don’t get jokes or sunsets or poetry, but I know metal.” He looks at his fingers and reaches for the words. They are slightly stained from ink that will never fully wash off. They drip with blood that he has never touched directly, but was shed from his hands nonetheless.

“Beauty was your armor. Fragile stuff, all show. But what’s inside you? That’s steel. It’s brave and unbreakable. And it doesn’t need fixing.”

He steps forward, his gate awkward, and takes her face in his hands. One of his thumbs rolls over the raised edge of a scar. He leans in and kisses her.

Genya stiffens and David worries that he has hurt her. He thinks of the man she hated so much that she decorated herself in poison. But before he can withdraw she throws her arms around him.

The kiss burns, warmer than flames fueled by the purest petroleum coke. He can feel the metal of them welding together. His hands tangle in her hair and he revels in the soft lines of her body he pulls her flush against him.

David has loved Genya for a long time. He has not known what to call the emotion, has not known even what to do with it, but he has long ago given her his heart.

A throat clears, somebody whistles, and they break apart. David blushes furiously, Genya grins. He looks at her smile and it is not the same as it was all that time ago in the workshop. There is a stiffness to her lips that wasn’t there before and the corner of her mouth is blackened by one of her scars. But David’s stomach drops just like it did then.

The tap on the burette is twisted all the way open, the titrant’s meniscus falls, and the solution’s pH changes. He knows what it means now though.

Love.

~*~

David has new categories for his world. Just two. Things he knows and things he does not know. He no longer divides the world up by what he thinks he wants to know or is worth knowing. He doesn’t think that all things regarding people are to remain unsolved mysteries. He knows that science is not the most important thing.

Although it is still pretty far up there.

~*~

Genya holds him as he cries. How could an idea as harmless and good as lumiya hold such potential for destruction? It was only ever meant to magnify Alina’s powers. The Darkling should never have been able to use it, especially not to expand the fold even further.

David had thought himself smart, creating a variation of liquid fire that was better, safer, than Morozova’s. A reaction that only creates light, not heat.

He had grown used to making weapons, things that wreaked destruction so that they could live. But this was just a stray idea, something with low potential for application… just for fun.

She strokes his hair and lets him know that she doesn’t blame him, nobody blames him, not really. But David blames himself. He knows that the blood on his hands has thickened.

His crime, his greed, is still in his hunger for knowledge.

~*~

The Darkling attacks them again, finding them at the Spinning Wheel where they thought they could be safe.

David stands over Genya as she kneels over Adrik in a pool of blood. He fires down at the attacking crowd. His aim is precarious, but he doesn’t care. He won’t stand down anymore.

It’s irrational, but David will die defending his friends, the people he loves.

The journals are left behind at the Spinning Wheel, but he doesn’t notice until they are safe again.

Or, as safe as they can be.

~*~

He explains the potential of invisibility for Alina. She makes a boot vanish. Genya whoops, Alina shrieks and throws her hands in the air.

“David, have I ever told you that you are a genius?

“Yes.”

“I’m telling you again.”

Later he wishes aloud that he still had Morozova’s journals. Alina gives him an odd look, like she wants to laugh, cry, and hit something all at once.

He thinks that he understands.

Ilya Morozova was also a genius.

~*~

Genya helps him make more lumiya and blasting powders for flash-bombs and grenatki. There is something both unsettling and satisfying about weaponizing the lumiya. Even if it is only in a defense capacity, it will still be used against the man who twisted it to begin with.

They aren’t going into the final battle. David can’t tell if he is more relieved or ashamed. But the others convince him that he is better served with Genya and Misha. Plus, it isn’t like he hasn’t fought for them and this isn’t him running. David is following the orders of a commander he trusts.

He has terrible aim with a rifle anyways.

So he will outfit his friends the best he can, he will stay to help Genya keep Misha safe, he will continue to think and create.

Alina walks into the kitchen they have converted into a makeshift workshop. “Is this entirely safe?”

“Nothing is entirely safe.” David responds.

“How reassuring.” She replies flatly.

David smiles and it is a grim and sarcastic thing. “I’m glad.”

He is not sure when he learned sarcasm. But he knows when he learned that knowledge can be greed. It can also be twisted, abused, and used for harm.

But David was made for knowledge and its pursuit. So he will continue on, carefully and with the goal that his discoveries are only used to survive.

“What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men.”

He knows now that he has greed, but with that knowledge he will work to use his greed for good.

~*~

David holds onto Genya as they watch the shadows of the Fold fall. They do not know what has fully happened, they do not know who has lived. But David feels pride knowing that he helped to bring down the same thing that he accidently helped to expand.

The blackness of Genya’s scars fade away to only the barest traces of shadows.

He kisses her.

“You were beautiful in the workshops. You were beautiful when you removed your hood for the first time. You were beautiful when you trembled before a monster. You are beautiful now when we have fought and won a war. You are beautiful and you always will be.”

She rolls her eyes at him. David frowns in confusion. He knows he is bad with words, but he thought that he had done a good job this time. He guesses that he doesn’t understand poetry or romantic intentions as well as he thought he did. Which is to say, hardly at all.

“You know you can just say that you love me.” Genya laughs.

“Of course I love you.” He says plainly, but realizes that this must be his first time saying it aloud.

Her smile is bright enough that if she had turned it on the Fold, he is sure that it would have fallen to its knees. He knows he will.

“I love you too, you idiot.”

~*~

He is a genius and he is an idiot. He knows of greed and the universe. His hands have led to the death of many people, but they have led to the survival of more.

[chibinightowl]

The Adventures of Sir Timothy Drake

Link to Chapter Three

Chapter Four: The Realization

It took them the better part of a week to finally leave Jason’s lair, mostly because of the dragon’s inability to settle on which books he refused to leave behind during his sojourn in what he’s taken to calling the human lands. Tim jokingly referred to it as his exile, which wasn’t far off the mark as far as he was concerned. No one in their right minds should want marry him just for his brain, but Jason stubbornly insisted otherwise.

When the dragon groused about leaving the cave unattended for so long, Tim’s blithe response about no one using his books for anything other than kindling during a cold winter did not go over well, leaving Jason huffing smoke for several hours afterwards, effectively driving Tim out of the cave to fend for himself one night. It had been worth it, getting under Jason’s skin and seeing him pout like some maiden whose favorite trinket had been threatened.

The night before they planned to leave, Tim curled up in one of the plush armchairs, the book by the elvish healer Jason recommended (and unerringly found the day after he mentioned it) in his lap. An elvish grammar was tucked in next to him, which the dragon had also dug up for him after he admitted elvish was not a language he spoke or read well. Jason didn’t judge him for it though, other than stating that was another crime, and so they spent the better part of two days rectifying it.

His reading was slow, but utterly fascinating. He was also comfortably warm, the lighting perfection, and a goblet of mulled wine sat on a small side table next to him. It was the epitome of comfort and already, Tim mourned the loss. At least month of hard travel lay before them, the first stretch of it on foot as Jason didn’t have a horse. They’d discussed Tim riding ahead and Jason flying (flying!) after him a few days later, but the dragon didn’t seem particularly pleased with the thought of letting him out of sight.

Tim chalked it up to being part of Jason’s hoard now, a new and shiny bauble to play with.

A warm hand ruffled his hair and he looked up to see the dragon standing behind him. “Are you done packing, then?” he asked, closing his book.

“As much as I can be,” Jason replied, trailing his fingers down through Tim’s hair to cradle the side of his face. Tim leaned into it, enjoying the easy touch. The dragon was extremely tactile and for someone as touch starved as him, he welcomed the simple affection. “I think you’re right and that I’ll take little trips back here whenever it gets to be too much.”

Tim’s eyes danced in delight. “Did you just admit that I’m right about something?”

“Don’t get used to it.” Jason tapped the tip of Tim’s nose and removed his hand, striding around the chair to take a seat in the one opposite of him. “Are you going to bring those with?” he asked, gesturing to the books.

“Only if they’re ones you’re willing to risk outside.” Tim had learned that there were some books that Jason flat out refused to ever let see the light of day again, old and rare tomes that were so delicate to touch that he wore special gloves and used tweezers to turn the pages when reading. Tim had been enthralled by these and dutifully wore the gloves Jason gave him when he showed him one. The illuminated pages of the manuscript were some of the most beautiful he’d ever seen. His current reading material certainly wasn’t in that category, but there were others that the dragon simply didn’t want to leave the cave.

“The grammar is fine,” Jason replied after a moment’s thought. “Those are easy to find and, to be honest, I’m still surprised I even had it. The other one…” he stared a while longer, blue eyes growing darker the longer he remained silent.

“It’s all right,” Tim said, setting the healer’s book aside. “I’m not that far into it.” He wished he could read it faster, he really did, but the language was slow going, which was a shame because what he’d read so far was utterly fascinating. Who knew that the brain was capable of so much?

Jason surprised him though when he shook his head. “No, bring it. You’re enjoying it and I can smell your disappointment from here. I’ve got a special cloth I can wrap it in to protect it from dust and keep it dry if it rains.”

“Thank you.” It meant a lot that the dragon trusted him with one of his prized possessions. “I’ll make sure to take good care of it.”

“I know you will.”

The next morning, Jason sealed his cave and they were on their way. Tim wasn’t entirely sure how it was done, but there was magic involved, he could tell that much. Once the cave was secure, Jason put his human glamor on. His argument was that this close to his lair, he didn’t want to risk anyone putting two and two together. The air around him shimmered, light bending and refracting into little rainbows before it settled, leaving the dragon without his horns, dark nails, or his glowing eyes.

Tim sighed quietly because he liked those horns and loved what Jason did when he gripped them just right. But this wasn’t about his preferences, it was about Jason’s, so he shoved those thoughts to the side and studied the all too human looking eyes gazing back at him in amusement. “They’re still the same shade of blue,” he finally said. “I’m glad.”

Jason smirked, cocksure and comfortable now that his true self was hidden away. “Aw, are you becoming smitten with my eyes?”

“Amongst other things,” Tim admitted. It was hard not to be, especially after spending so much time with the man. Jason loved to tell stories but he also had a knack for drawing Tim out of his shell, asking questions about his life and his own studies, such as they were.

“I got lucky in the looks department, I know.” Jason teased and shrugged his massive shoulders. His tattoos were on full display as his choice of travel gear included a sleeveless version of the same black and red jacket he’d worn the night they met.

“Oh, so that’s not an illusion either?”

Jason threw a small rock at him, which Tim ducked while trying not to laugh. It was all too easy to rile the dragon up sometimes.

Tim’s lovely Robin was laden down with books and two small chests of nearly priceless treasures the dragon deemed insignificant enough to part with in return for Tim’s freedom. “I hope you’re worth it,” Jason joked, watching as the final straps were tied into place. “I didn’t think I’d have to pay this kind of bride-price for you.”

The mare did not look happy about being a beast of burden and Tim patted her nose soothingly. “Think of it this way,” he replied as they started down the faint trail, heading away from the cave. “You’ll be getting a massive dowry from me. And, when I die, all of these things will be coming back to you. I’ll make sure of it.”

Something in what he said had the dragon huffing smoke before the man looked away. Tim had finally realized it was a behavior of Jason’s that only came about when he was agitated. It was something he filed away to ponder over later. Mortality was a concept he had more than made his peace with, even in the short span of his life. The war changed his perspective on death, after seeing how easy it was to extinguish even a single life and made Tim cherish it that much more. It was small wonder King Bruce only went to war when he had no other choice.

Apparently wasn’t something Jason thought much about, beyond abstract terms perhaps. The stories said dragons were ancient creatures, possibly even products of a bygone era. Tim knew this not to be true after Jason informed him he was rather young for a dragon. No longer a juvenile, but he was still working through what it meant to be an adult dragon. Others considered him brash and impulsive, to which Tim had to roll his eyes because no, that couldn’t be his Jason at all.

It took them six days to reach the large town on the edge of what Tim thought of as the human lands. The country beyond was considered wild and inhospitable, perfect for a dragon who wanted to be alone but still craved companionship. As they approached the wall considered by most to be the divide between civilized lands and not, it became clear just how backwards his beliefs on that concept was. Just because something didn’t conform to his expectations, did not automatically make it uncouth. He cast a glance over at Jason, who somehow managed to walk and read at the same time, and smiled. His mother would be having a conniption fit of epic proportions when he arrived home with the outspoken dragon.

Tim couldn’t wait to see it.

“Hey,” he said, trying to get the dragon’s attention. “We’re here.” On this side of the wall, there was next to no traffic on the road.

“Finally,” Jason sighed and closed his book with a snap. He rustled around in one of Robin’s many bags to put it away. “I want a bath and a place to put my feet up, not necessarily in that order.”

“Agreed. I stayed at the Everyman when I passed through before and enjoyed it well enough. You have any preferences?” Tim knew this was not Jason’s first visit. As the closest population of any kind in these parts, it was where the dragon often sought refuge from his boredom. The town was predominantly human, but he’d observed halfings and some dwarves last time.

“They’ve got the best ale on tap,” Jason replied with a grin. “I’ve been there more than once.”

The inn was their first stop and the while old innkeeper greeted them both enthusiastically, he directed Jason to the taproom right away to put his feet up. It left Tim to deal with unloading Robin. The inn was rather small and while there was a stable boy, there wasn’t a porter. Not that he minded all that much as there was some rather precious cargo aboard his mare and he didn’t want just anyone handling it.

As soon as everything was unloaded, Robin’s eye-roll of relief made Tim laugh. He rubbed her velvety nose. “I know. You didn’t like that at all. You’re a warhorse, not a pack mule.”

“Seriously, do you always talk to her like that?” Jason asked, coming out the back door and into the small courtyard with a tall mug of ale in his hand.

“Who else do I have to talk to?” Tim replied. “Besides you.” He handed the reins over to the waiting stable boy. “No biting,” he warned his mare.

Jason already had one of the chests balanced on his hip and a bag of books slung over his shoulder, all without spilling a drop. “I’ve arranged for our room. Follow me.”

“Our room?” Tim questioned as he picked up his bundles and the other chest. His chainmail weighted everything down, but he refused to wear it when there wasn’t a need to.

“Yes, our room,” Jason repeated, holding the door open for Tim. “You didn’t think I was gonna let all this stuff out of my sight, did you?” It was implied that the dragon considered him part of that stuff.

Tim didn’t want to even try and answer that question as he followed Jason down the short hallway and up the back staircase. “You seem pretty well known around here. What do you pass yourself off as?”

“An itinerant mage,” the man replied, shrugging his broad shoulders. He opened the door to one of the inn’s three rooms. “It’s not like anyone this rural would know better, and it explains the odd smoke I can’t help. When I get bored, even the company of humans is better than none at all.”

“Is that typical of dragons?” It was something Tim had been wondering about. He set the chest down on the floor and lowered the other bag of books even more carefully on top of it. His own gear he dropped without a second thought.

The room wasn’t huge, but there was a large bed taking up most of it. A chest of drawers rested against the far wall and a water pitcher and basin sat atop it. The sole window looked out over the small courtyard at the back of the inn.

“No, not really,” Jason admitted sheepishly, setting his burdens down on the bed. He took a sip from his ale before he continued. “We’re solitary by nature, until we find our mate.”

Tim wanted to ask more questions but bit his cheek to keep the barrage back as Jason was clearly uncomfortable with the topic. He felt he should say something though. “Well, if you do happen to find them while we’re married, I will of course release you from our vows. You should be with the person…dragon…that you love.”

The dragon gave him an unreadable look but didn’t say anything.

“Well, we still need to go get your horse,” Tim prodded, changing the subject. He stretched and eyed the bed, wishing there was time for a quick nap. The afternoon sun would soon fade into evening and as much as he wished they could linger for a day, they needed to be back on the road in the morning.

“No, you need to get my horse,” Jason replied pointedly. “I know precisely dick about them, aside from the fact they’re good eating.”

Tim narrowed his eyes. “You are not eating this horse when we get home.”

“You sure about that?” Jason grinned toothily. Even with his glamor in place, they still appeared longer than normal. “Besides, I am not leaving even this little bit of my hoard until I can set up some wards, even if I did get the key to lock up.”

The statement stung a little. “I thought I was part of your hoard? Doesn’t that mean I need to be watched over too?” It slipped out before Tim could stop himself.

Jason set his ale down on the dresser and crossed the room to Tim. He cupped his chin in a large hand and then warm lips were pressed against his own. Tim opened his mouth slightly when the dragon’s questing tongue sought entrance, turning the kiss from chaste to filthy in nothing flat. But that was often the way it was with Jason, his mood like his fire as it flared up and settled back down, stoked until the next time.

Tim blinked rapidly when the dragon finally released him, trying to gather his wits.

The other man looked altogether too pleased with himself. “There. No wandering off on me now, you hear?”

As though that was ever going to be a problem.

A couple hours later, Tim returned to the inn with a large bay gelding and a smaller brown packhorse in tow. New tack for both of them had been purchased and fitted, leaving his purse significantly lighter, for all that Jason had given him the coin to cover everything. He still didn’t like it, but this far from home, his own resources were dwindling.

Gaining the taproom, Tim spotted Jason holding court over by the fireplace. He chuckled at the sight of the locals crowded around him, listening to whatever story he was regaling them with.

Tim caught the attention of the pretty barmaid, a heavy tray balanced in one hand as she deftly wove between the tables. “What’s dinner tonight?”

She gave him an impatient look, eager to return to the story being told across the room. “Venison stew and a loaf of bread.”

“I’ll have that and an ale, please.”

The young woman nodded absently before making her way back to the fireplace.

Tim sat down at an empty table to watch Jason. This was the first time he’d had a chance to observe the dragon around anyone else and his fingers itched for his journal. Jason was, to put it mildly, simply captivating, even with his human glamor on. There was such a strong presence about him, one that drew people in despite the roguish exterior.

It had to be the smile, Tim decided when his dinner arrived.

To his surprise, Jason rose to join him, sitting down heavily across from him. “Did you buy dinner?” he asked with a wink.

“Yes, I did.” Tim pointedly looked down at his bowl. “Did you eat?” He didn’t expect Jason to, but he did have a cover to maintain as a human. How far did that extend?

“Oh, let me get you a bowl, Jason!” the barmaid said, having followed the dragon over to Tim’s table. She smiled, revealing a dimple in her cheek. “I’ll be right back!”

Tim snickered, watching her practically race into the kitchen. “You actually going it eat it?”

“Whatever I don’t choke down is going to you,” Jason replied, making a face at the thought of eating a human meal. “I don’t mind rare meat, but that,” he pointed at the bits of cooked meat floating in gravy along with some summer vegetables, “Is disgusting.”

“The things you do for your character.” Tim didn’t feel bad for him. At all.

Jason’s groan turned into a smile as the young woman brought an extra large bowl filled to the brim with the savory stew and some more bread. She beamed before she was called away to another table. Glowering at the bowl, he muttered, “Meat should be raw and bloody.”

Tim made a mental note to invest in a herd of cattle specifically for Jason when they arrived home. The trouble would be worth it as it would keep the local populace happy and no one could say they’d lost a cow to the dragon’s appetite, such as it was. He’d known him for almost two weeks now and had yet to see a single bite pass his lips. Drink was another matter.

Wine and ale didn’t seem to garner comment and Jason partook of both equally, especially after he ate about half of the stew, dumping the rest into Tim’s bowl when he decided enough was enough. The young woman running between tables didn’t seem to mind topping off his ale at all. Tim was pretty sure it never went below the halfway point the entire time he was eating.

Once the empty bowls were taken away, Jason rejoined the crowd by the fireplace. He started telling another story and flirted shamelessly with all the women in the small crowd, much to their enjoyment and to Tim’s amusement. It reminded him of something Jason had said before they slept together for the first time, about his own preferences. Human women.

Jason had been alone at the inn for a while before Tim returned with the horses. Plenty of time to fool around after setting his protection spells. A flash of jealousy raced through him before he squashed it hard. They were not married. Yet. Until they were wed, Jason could do as he wished. Tim too for that matter, should he have the desire to do so. Besides, he had no right to be jealous of anything the dragon did. Jason had saved his sad excuse for a life and given him the chance to make something of it.

Tim was never going to be able to repay the favor. Not in this life or the next.

From across the room, Jason shot him a concerned look, making Tim force his eyes away from the man. He stood abruptly and tossed a few small coins onto the table. A bath would be great right about now. Nice and private.

He stopped by the bar and made the arrangements with the innkeeper, who said he’d inform his wife right away.

Tim was halfway up the front staircase before he realized he didn’t have the key to their room. He’d have to get it from Jason. And that meant approaching him while he was under the eye of his adoring audience. “Shit,” he cursed under his breath.

“Forget something?”

Turning, Tim saw Jason standing behind him, a couple steps down, and dangling a key from one long finger.

“Thanks.” Tim attempted to take it, but Jason drew it back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, eyes flashing in the low light of the stairwell.

“Nothing is wrong,” Tim replied. He tried to shrug it off, but it was obvious the dragon wasn’t buying it. “I want a bath and some clean clothes.” Jason should know by now just how fastidious he was and hoped his regular habits would play in his favor.

“Don’t lie to me, Tim. I can smell it.”

Double shit. Since when was this a thing he had to be concerned about? Smelling a lie? How was that possible? He knew dogs could scent emotions to an extent. Was this similar? Tim gave himself a mental shake and forced himself to focus. “I thought I’d give you some alone time,” he stated, trying to sound as matter of fact as possible. “You know, for…whatever. Or whoever.”

There. He said it.

The dragon closed the distance between them, standing on the stair just below Tim to look him directly in the eyes. “Do you want me to?” Jason asked quietly.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” Tim replied, trying to hide his discomfiture. “You’re the one who’s doing me the favor of a lifetime.”

The answer did not satisfy the other man and Jason leaned forward, his all too human eyes still managing to blaze with their intensity. “What you want matters, Tim. You’ve never had the freedom to speak up about it before, but with me, you always will. So tell me, what do you want?”

“I…” Tim didn’t know. The option to choose, to have a say in matters of the heart was not something he was used to having. Realization crashed down on him, bringing with it stunning clarity that Jason truly could give him everything he secretly desired. Acceptance. Companionship. A true partnership of equals.

In that moment, Tim fell in love. And immediately cursed himself because how could a dragon ever return the love of a human? Rather than face those still unearthly blue eyes, he snatched the room key out of Jason’s hand. “I want a bath. I’ll see you later.”

There was a small chamber at the back of the inn where, for a few coins, he could wash up in a small copper tub. The innkeeper’s wife brought several kettles of hot water for him while he filled a few buckets with cold water from the well in the courtyard. She fussed over him and brought him soap and a clean towel to dry with while promising his laundry would be done by morning. He’d spent two days here last time, enjoying the simple hospitality that wasn’t present in larger inns that he could have frequented instead.

“Now, if you need anything, just ring that bell,” she said, pointing to a small cord hanging off to the side.

“I will,” Tim promised and finally shooed her out. He stripped down and lowered himself into the bright tub. The water felt wonderful even if it paled in comparison to Jason’s luxurious bathing chamber. He ducked his head under the water, holding his breath for as long as he could before he came up spluttering.

What was wrong with him? Yes, Tim would freely admit he found Jason attractive. A person would have to be blind not to. He enjoyed what they had between them, shiny and new as it was. But what would it be like next year? Or the year after that? Things he should have thought of before accepting this little offer swarmed through his mind. He’d been so focused on his immediate situation that he lost track of the bigger one.

Tim never once believed he’d ever marry for love. He was of a high enough station his wife would be chosen for him, if his mother ever decided. She’d be furious the choice was taken away from her and that she wouldn’t have someone new to terrorize. Jason wouldn’t stand for it. At all.

And that was the crux of it, he realized. With Jason at his side, anything was possible. Choices that he never had before were now his, including whether or not he wanted to let his betrothed screw around with the barmaid. He shoved that thought out of his head. They’d agreed almost from day one that they would be faithful after their wedding. This was not something he’d take away from him.

Jealousy, Tim decided as he dunked his head under the water again, was an ugly thing.

When he resurfaced, Jason was standing beside the tub staring down at him, the small downward twist of his mouth indicating his displeasure.

“Are you trying to drown yourself? I didn’t think humans could breathe underwater.”

Tim shook his head, brushing back his hair so he could see better. “No, we don’t. I just like to hold my breath. It’s quieter under there.” He blinked some droplets of water out of his eyes. “Did you need something?”

He would not bring up his abrupt dismissal. Not unless Jason did.

The dragon leaned over him, hands grasping the edges of the tub as he moved closer. His nostrils flared slightly, scenting the air, scenting Tim. “You panicked earlier when I asked what you wanted. Why?”

Trust Jason to not beat around the bush. It would be refreshing if it weren’t directed at him. “You startled me,” Tim admitted, trying to hedge. He refused to state the real reason why he left. “I’m not used to being asked what I want.”

That should be safe enough.

Jason’s eyes crinkled, clearly not buying it. “You looked scared about something.” His voice lowered and he cast his gaze down, as uncertainty entered his expression. “Did I scare you?”

Tim sat up in a rush, water spilling over the edge of the tub and on the floor, splashing Jason for all that he paid no notice to it. “No,” he said vehemently. “You didn’t scare me. At all. I’ve never once been scared of you. If I were, do you think we’d have done everything we have together?”

Lazy afternoons spent by the small stream, Jason tracing idle patterns into Tim’s bare skin as they regaled each other with stories of their various adventures. Evenings in the cave sitting in companionable silence with their respective books. And the nights...Tim doubted he’d ever want to share a bed with anyone else, even if he only ever cuddled with Jason ever again.

“You could have forced yourself, thinking it was what I wanted. Humans are capable of that,” Jason tried. He looked utterly miserable at the thought.

Tim grabbed hold of his chin and forced his head up, locking eyes with him. “Yes, people do that. All the time. But I am not one of them. If I wasn’t interested in men, that first bath would have gone a lot differently. You’re attracted to my brain. Well, I’m attracted to the full package.”

Jason searched Tim’s face for a lie, nostrils flaring again as he sought out any trace of untruth. He must have finally believed him as he relaxed. “You’re not the only one who’s attracted to everything too.”

The admission rocked Tim and he sat heavily in the cooling water. “Why? I’m not anything special to look at.”

A snort of amusement followed by puff of smoke was Jason’s first response. “You’re not seeing through my eyes,” he stated once the smoke was under control again. “Standards of beauty change every year it seems but I have my own particular tastes. And while elven men aren’t quite so short, you share many of the same physical characteristics they do.”

Tim bristled. “I’m not that short.” The top of his head was level with Jason’s nose when they were standing upright.

“Keep telling yourself that.”

This time, the splash was on purpose.

[its-negans-lucille]

The Silent One - Part Twenty

You can find the other parts of this story and my Masterlist HERE!

Synopsis: Negan goes to Alexandria to ask some questions about the recent escapee and you have you second day on the fence.

Ships: Negan x Reader (slow burn (duh)) Words: 1,479 Warnings: Curses, over use of the word ‘walkie’ Category: Angst

***

Reader POV

***

You had a large sniper rifle in your hands as you walked slowly up and down the section of fence that you were sworn to protect. You job down here was to take out the walkers that were pressing up against the fence or who had somehow gotten loose. It was dull work but you had wanted to get involved so here you were. You were also too stubborn to tell Negan that you found this work dull so you kept your mouth shut and got on with it.

You had been standing stationary for about five minutes, watched one particular walker who kept on snapping its teeth at you, desperately trying to get to you. Something silver close to the ground caught your eye. You snapped your head toward its source but you couldn’t see anything. You took a step close to the fence when you heard a loud voice call.

“I’m going to go and help some shit-wit a few towers away. If you need me just use the walkie!” Arat called as she stepped down from the dilapidated, wooden, tower where she had been previously observing you from. She tossed you a walkie-talkie which dropped on the floor in front of you a few feet away. You watched her until she had rounded a corner of the block of buildings called The Sanctuary.

You slung the gun over your shoulder as you crouched down to pick up the walkie. You turned it over a few times, learning the buttons and such when you heard a whisper. Something so quiet that you weren’t sure that you’d heard it at first. You slowly turned around, attaching the walkie-talkie to your belt and swinging your gun from over your shoulder.

You stood up straight and scanned the fence, your finger on the trigger of the sniper.

“Psst.” There it was again. You stepped toward the fence when you saw it.

Standing there, covered from head to toe so that he was almost unrecognisable, was your best friend and your previous partner in crime, Jesus.

***

Negan POV

***

“Listen up fuckers!” Negan proclaimed loudly as he banged the butt end of Lucille on the side of one of the Alexandrian’s car. “Christ has escaped his tomb!” Negan said loudly, expecting down cast looks or possibly looks of joy but all he got was puzzlement. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fucking hell, I didn’t just kill a fucking puppy. I made a joke, now I know that’s a damn foreign concept to you people, but, fuck, c’mon.” Negan said in a disheartened tone.

“What I’m trying to fucking say it your friend got out and now we’re here to search your town!” Negan smiled as his men that he had taken with him surged forward as one, going to go search the houses for any trace of Jesus.

“Rick, walk with me.” Negan commanded as he strode past Rick so that he had to catch up with him.

“We didn’t do anything.” Rick said in a solemn voice. This time with Negan was slowly wearing the bearded man down, he no longer put up a fight.

“Mhm. Well, we’ll see.” Negan shrugged as he stepped up onto Rick’s neat porch, a rocking chair slowly creaking back and forth in the breeze. “How about you invite me in for a drink? Eh, Rick? Man to man?” Negan said as he playfully punched Rick in the shoulder.

Rick gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, probably thinking about something that would definitely get everyone in this community killed. Rick obviously thought against his thoughts of caving in Negan’s frontal lobe as he stepped forward and opened the door, gesturing Negan inside.

Negan swiftly made himself comfortable by crossing the room and beginning to rummage in a few draws. He carried on doing this for quite some time before he stopped and let out an almost childlike, curious, gasp of excitement. Rick was hanging back, watching warily from the centre of the room, not even bothering to try and stop him from searching his home.

“What’s this?” Negan asked in a loud, charismatic tone as he turning over a walkie-talkie that once would’ve been a dark grey colour but now was covered in crayon marks and a few patches of glitter. “I didn’t really think this was your style, Rick.” Negan chuckled.

“Yeah.” Rick said in a low voice, his eyes darting nervously from Negan to the walkie in his hands, Negan took note of that. Rick stepped forward with his arm outstretched. “I’ll just have that back now. . .” Rick said in a low voice as he avoided eye contact with Negan.

“Now, Rick, you’re not hiding anything from me, right?” Negan asked as he took a step forward, entering Rick’s personal space. “Because, remember, I still have one hostage with the right number of functioning limbs.” Negan said in a low, dangerous voice.

“No, of course I’m not-” Rick started but he was cut off by Negan who pressed the button on the side of the bedazzled walkie-talkie and said:

“Any fuckers there? If you answer you get the grand prize of. . . Drumroll please. . .”

***

Reader POV

***

“Any fuckers there? If you answer you get the grand prize of. . . Drumroll please. . . Meeting my baby girl Lucille!” Proclaimed a crackly, blood chillingly familiar voice from where Jesus was standing on the other side of the fence. Negan was on the other end of Jesus’ line.

You shook your head incredulously.  

Swiftly, before any walkers could get to him, Jesus took out a knife and cleared out the dead in his immediate area so that he was free to talk to you without the imminent threat of death by disembowelment.

“Listen, I can explain.” Jesus began in a low, calming voice.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You hissed in a frustrated tone.

“What, not happy to see me?” Jesus asked with a cocked eyebrow. “Well, most of me.” He said with a wry smile as he pulled up one leg of his denim jeans to reveal a blade beneath it, much like the blades that runners use. “One of the guys at Alexandria had a niece with one leg and she liked track, she died when it all began and honestly he was happy to give it to me.” Jesus said as he dropped the leg of the jean.

“Jesus, you need to leave.” You said in a low voice. “Please.” You implored, constantly looking over your shoulder as Arat could get here at any second.

“I will, I will. After I give you this,” he fished out a walkie-talkie from his pocket and pushed it through the fence. “So me and Rick can talk to you form Alexandria.” He smiled.

“Wait, so you’re not here to . . . to rescue me?” You asked in a suspicious voice. Jesus’ face fell as he shook his head.

“I’m sorry.” Jesus said in a low voice. “We’re trying our hardest to get enough supplies for the Saviours and that doesn’t leave much time for. . .  for. . .”

“For me.” You finished, your face downcast.

“Listen, I’m really sorry.” Jesus said with a sigh. “We’ll get you out, I promise. One way or another. Even if we have to kill Negan.”

You felt your stomach drop. “Kill him? Isn’t that a little. . . extreme?” You asked, trying to sound tentative and nonchalant but you ended up sounding worried.

“I don’t have a leg, (Y/N).” Jesus said in a flat voice.

“Yeah, yeah, of course.” You said absently, thoughts racing through your head

“I have to go, I’m really sorry. We’ll walkie you every other night at twelve.” Jesus said, already backing away from you.

“Morning.” You said in a low voice.

“Morning?” Jesus asked, bemused.

“Negan is never up before ten o’clock. Walkie me at seven.” You said. You saw Jesus give a curt nod.

“Take care of yourself.” Jesus said as he back away, trying to keep away from the Walkers.

“I always do.” You shrugged, not entirely believing it.

***

Thank you all so much for reading and bearing with me. I’ve been sick over the past few days and before that school just hadn’t been good and I was having a hard time. So thank you again for baring with me! Thank you so much for reading! Have a lovely day!!

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[david-rainefan]

My lifestyle has slowed and even reversed my age.

Every American contemplates their fitness levels many times during their lives. For most, it starts as early as 5 or 6 years old. It can spawn from movies, action figure, dolls, cartoons, and of course the behavior of the adults around us. Body image becomes an element of developing our personal identity. Whether actively aware or not, we begin placing ourselves and others in categories of  who’s pretty, who’s strong, or who’s adored, and who’s repulsive. Why else would the kids who’s bodies mature faster be more popular than the ones who develop slower or are chubby, or skinny? There is a value system based solely on looks that is fully and universally intact before we even get out of grade school. As adults it is this norm to allow physical appearance to be a decisive tool in many everyday life situations. The pretty girl runs a light and receives only a flirtatious warning, and if she has an appealing shape, she is most likely a competitive conquest between the pack of men she works with. The muscular guy cuts in line without any protest, and if he has a handsome face to go with it, you better believe he has his time as the center of the raunchiest ladies room chatter. The chubby person is either ignored or put in the “friend zone”, but if he or she has a sense of humor, they are everyone’s favorite person to work with. I will add that this happens in the lives of every sexual orientation and gender identity as well. That’s why this isn’t shocking you, but as you read you are thinking back on times in your life, or even moments ago when you either witnessed or participated in the physical grading system. When you step back and look at it, our physical appearance may be the single most shallow element to being Human, yet it is often the most regarded. It’s as if Perception made an intimate bond with Ego and like an invisible Trickster God from the Supernatural series, it delights in being subconsciously worshipped. Some obese millionaires throw money at it to look more attractive. Some models fast for it to become more beautiful and successful. Some bodybuilders sacrifice practical lives to be held as the Trickster’s gate keepers of the ultimate physique. There’s also the one’s who consider themselves “spiritual rather than religious”. They don’t worship traditionally. They think the doctrine is outdated and stifling, so they choose to worship the Trickster inside themselves they believe that the Trickster is all of us…each of us a piece of the Trickster. Ironically this approach works for those who both do and don’t take personal responsibility for how their behavior effects the condition of the whole of us. Aren’t we just an amazing, beautiful, confused bowl of splintered light? Do you think from space you can see a sign hanging on the Earth that reads: Trickster Bait & Tackle?

    Scales of body type

General body types

I support the opinion that human beings should strive to be in their own personal best health. Of course that would look differently for everyone, and would take different levels of effort to accomplish. The undeniable fact is that if physical health overtook physical appearance in our Ego’s list of priorities, than our quality of life, economics, culture, and ecological footprint would all experience positive shifts.  Healthcare would likely be less dependent on the pharmaceutical industry. The average person would develop a more positive outlook, which could feasibly effect crime rates, employment rates, and eventually social inequality. Mental and physical disease would begin to fall from an epidemic to a rarity. Human intake and waste would become cleaner and safer, therefore the Earth itself would become cleaner and stronger. Our Leaders would become more compassionate and productive (see Mental Disease above). So much of our energy and finances are burned in the system of “Treatment” when it should be cycled and invested in the system of “Prevention”. Oh, and guess what. We would be more beautiful because of it! This is an amazing image of the world that I play in my mind very often, but alas, I am just a guy who loves his veggies, workouts, laughing, and then blogging about it. However, as this guy, I do believe that major change comes together when individuals decided to pursue their own personal happiness. There is no doubt that it begins with health and fitness.

(Russian Twists) Your pre workout meal is essential to giving you lasting energy for a rigorous gym session.

For those of us pursuing our personal happiness, we soon discover that there’s a bonafide war within us and outside us. This war shows itself in many forms. It’s virtually a parade of distractions….reasons to stop believing, events that break us down, people that knock us off the path (or we allow them to), even shallow successes that trick us into thinking we’ve arrived. That’s the Ego-Trickster rearing it’s head again. During my journey I have discovered that in order to stay on the winning side of the fight for personal happiness there are two main factors that have to be revisited every so often. The first is our big “Why?” married with an attainable “How?”. The second is an endless stream of disciplined patience and forgiveness as we steadfastly hold on to the core truth of who we are. Within these two factors is where all that scary and exciting “change” stuff happens.

Personal happiness brings the natural beauty out effortlessly. Photog: Shane Michael Colella

First Factor:

You can not expect a chance of success in anything unless your plan begins with the “Why” and “How”. In Health and Fitness these factors can alter as you go along. We are dealing with our minds and body…living organisms that change every second. Our tactics and goals need to change too. That’s why you must stay “in touch” with your self and revisit this factor often. Example: If you find an exercise regimen and diet that works amazingly then 5 months later you’re still doing the exact same, you may find yourself spinning in mud and making no progress. You may lose interest because you stop advancing. Within 5 months your body has changed and it needs a different approach. Hell, even your mind needs new levels of thought to feed on or it gets bored and disinterested. Think of your body as a type of mind. Progress is not about finding something good and sticking to it. It’s about adjusting and rediscovering the new “good” continuously. Where a lot of us go wrong in fitness is we pick a shallow “Why” and a too difficult “How”. Some want to fit in a dress for one special night. Some want to look like that dude in the action film they just watched. Some want to attract hotter dates. The issue with goals like that is they don’t always hold up in challenging times. You drop the plan as soon as you have a bad day, or perhaps an argument. I’ve known people to go off plan because their team lost, or a show they’re obsessed with didn’t end the way they wanted. This is because their reason to get fit was not strong enough to begin with. Plus the time limit they put on themselves was too difficult and unrealistic. As a non Athlete, your “Why” has to be meaningful and connected to your heart and your goals of what kind of person you want to be. Your “How” has to be stern, but with reasonable time limits. This is a gentle, self loving change that will create life long results.

Your “How” should be stern, but with reasonable time limits.

My late Mother suffered from severe back and neck pain. It seems we have a mild scoliosis condition. The pain, however, is nothing near mild. This was passed down to my Sister and I. One morning I was in so much pain that I had to lift the back of my head with my hands in order to sit up in bed. This condition would flare up through the year, but was worse in cold months and during stressful times. I am a chronic solution finder. Seriously. If I have enough free time, I will create catastrophic scenarios in my head, just so I can break them down and fix them. Anyway, I’m cursing and crying in pain while trying to make coffee this one morning. I pictured an idea that if I build up my shoulder and back muscles, it would help to secure my spine and vertebra in place, therefore making the discomfort of the condition much less severe. I began lifting weights and since the early 2000s I have never again been in pain like that. (Disclaimer; this is not medical advice.) I’m just sharing my truth. That was my first “Why” and “How”. Some years have passed and I’ve seen friends and family suffer from illnesses that could have been avoided if health and fitness had been just a few steps higher on their priority list. That inspired me to add a focus on inflammation issues and strengthening my bones for the inevitable perils of the elderly years of bumps, trips and falls. I had an immensely stressful year in 2011. Upon a standard Doctor visit with some blood work, I was informed that I had severe hypertension (High Blood Pressure), and the results of my blood test also revealed that I was “pre-diabetic”. I was given the finger wag, prescribed meds and sent on my way. Of course Solution Man kicked into gear! I began to research all the ways to reverse these conditions. There are foods like boiled white potato, and dark leafy greens that Nature has designed to suppress inflammation. There are vinegars and fermented, pickled foods that create free flowing bowels, which keep toxic waste from building up in your body. That also lowers inflammation levels. Stress and Inflammation are two of the top culprits that help create sickness and disease in the human body. I began doing colonics every 6 months. Its a water based colon/intestinal cleanser that allows your digestive system to have a much needed rest. Just think of the tons of crap we stuff down our throats for decades, expecting the digestive system to be a rock star and clear it all out with no vacations, holidays, or even sick leave. Colonics can be a little uncomfortable, but nothing compared to an intense and invasive colonoscopy, or worse. Choose your colonic practitioner wisely though. My last one was a beautiful young woman who I developed a light crush on. There is nothing more awkward than trying to gaze romantically into the eyes of a woman who has a hose in your bum and is shooting water into your colon to observe the coloring of your waste as it slides through a tube like kids on a water slide. NOT advisable.

    White potatoes are a source for B6, potassium, and fiber. Plus they help lower blood pressure

Leafy Greens are a source for vitamins C and K. They contain iron and calcium, plus work as effective antioxidants in the body.

Essentially, the “Why” and “How” is about listening to your body, and your spirit, then educating yourself on how to go about adjusting your lifestyle to include actions that allow for your happiness, health, and longevity.  You will no doubt face obstacles daily. Many of them will be created by yourself, but your reason for doing it should be so important to you that you find ways to stay on track. You will become a better you. You will become an inspiration to others, and the Earth will thank you.

Second Factor:

This Factor is based on Disciplined Patience and Forgiveness. Patience and Forgiveness are amazing traits to have when dealing with other people. It keeps peace. It opens up mutual understanding. Really, it’s the fuel that Love runs on. That being said, it is the most difficult thing to give back to ourselves. That’s where discipline comes in. No change will occur in any aspect of our lives without strict shifts in our daily patterns and habits. You’ve got your Why and How, but now it’s time for the actual work to begin. It’s not just about diet and exercise. Those things are extremely important, you have to think differently too. You have to see yourself with loving eyes. Most times people give up the first time they cheat on their diet, or when their life schedule causes them to miss a few gym sessions. If you’re self loving and think with patience and forgiveness, then you are more likely to reward yourself by hanging in there and following through on the goal.  Remember, our why and how is no longer about petty level vanity, or shallow goals. This whole journey is about self love. You’re bringing the best you out from under the folds and weight of anxiety, fear, and delusion. You’re about to be on some personal hero sh*t! This experience belongs solely to you! Just be patient and forgiving within the disciplined setting and you can’t possibly fail.

    Know your limits, then outsmart them. Schedule your exercise session during the time of day you feel the most energized. Otherwise you run the risk of coming up with excuses to blow it off. Treat your exercise time like a serious business meeting that you can’t afford to miss. Speaking of business “meeting”, it’s a really good idea to have a workout buddy. It can make a huge difference in your drive during a workout. This supports the spirit of light hearted competition and will intensify as the session goes on. It also brings in an element of humor as you will surely give each other a hard time when one tuckers out before the other. On the other side of it, you get to share stories of how your getting through your journey, and that kind of support can be invaluable.

Workout partners can make a big difference in your drive and add a light hearted competition to the session

Another solid option is to join classes at your gym, or hire a personal trainer. This takes the pressure off of you to continually research and discover new exercises and proper forms. Lets be honest, it’s time consuming. Plus, if you don’t exercise correctly, it’s practically worse than not doing it at all. Obviously not everyone can afford a trainer, but for most of us, part of the changing of our thinking can include how and where we spend our money. If you really focus on changing some habits, most of the time you will discover extra money in your budget. When I committed to real change I chose to have a personal trainer with a workout partner. I went all in!

It definitely feels good to have clothing fit my body a certain way and feel strong and attractive, but I’m more excited about how I have begun to slow my aging. I rarely get sick. I have more energy and an overall feeling of longevity. Between both sides of my family, there is a deep history of lung disease, skin disease, and cancer. My diet and exercise has already removed my high blood pressure and strengthened my lungs and keeps my skin in excellent condition. If Cancer ever decides to visit me, we will have a war of the ages. I know that some of this is heredity, but a lot of disease can be delayed, weakened, and even avoided due to your choices and lifestyle. Another major fact is that as we age, our bones become fragile. With regular training, you have less of a chance of a severe injury after a fall. On top of that, if you do fall and break a bone, your body will more likely be strong enough to withstand most surgeries and rehab programs. Your healthy eating habits will help you regenerate and heal faster.

With health and fitness as a priority in your life, you are likely to recover from age related injuries quicker

You should consider your gym choice, your gear, and your trainer very carefully. These parts have to work in harmony and with ease so you can focus on the other aspect of your life like work, relationships, and other goals you’re aiming for. I currently live in Philadelphia. I sampled about 8 gyms before I decided to join Sweat Fitness https://www.instagram.com/sweatfitness/. For me the appeal was that the environment was focused on health more than sales. The equipment was in good shape. The customers were serious about their health. (no posers) The monthly cost was reasonable, and it takes me 10 minutes to get there. This lead me to my amazing personal trainer. Jamel Harris https://www.instagram.com/1fitnessking/. My reason for choosing Jamel is simple. He had the athletic shape and strength that I wanted for my own body. I explained my How and Why and he took it from there. I couldn’t be more happy with my results!

A good personal trainer will take the guessing out of your time and put you on the fastest road to your goals. Jamel Harris (left) David Raine (right) 

At Sweat Fitness. I’m in better shape than I was in my 20s!

Now on to the gear!  One thing that really bothers me is when someone comes into the gym and works out in street clothes. Granted, it’s always good that you made it in, but to me it’s an indication that you’re not fully committed. Proper workout gear like shorts, leggings, supporting sneakers enables you to move properly and also allows you to see your form and the response your body is giving to the exercises. This all helps you stay inspired to follow through. You can’t get good form wearing baggy jeans and a pair of work boots. I tend to lift heavy weights these days. Rough, callused hands can be an issue. My workout partner, who is an insurance salesman will tease me from time to time about my use of gloves and pads, but I prefer to keep my skin nice and as blemish free as possible. Yes, it’s a little vain, but I stand behind it. I have used a few different brands of gloves, but I recently got a pair of Handlz Gloves http://www.handlzgloves.com/ . These are the best on the market in my opinion. They are light. They breathe well, and have individual honeycomb pads for each of your fingers. So no matter how your lifting form is, you’re covered. My favorite part is the style, because I feel like a Superhero when I wear them in the gym.

Handlz Gloves give major support for heavy lifting and they have a superhero vibe.

Proud gun pose with my Handle Gloves after a day of heavy weight training.

Lastly, and my favorite thing to talk about; Food, drinks, and sweets!! It is best to abstain from bad fats, empty carbs, and of course sugars for the beginning of your journey. This is important for a few reasons. You break bad eating habits. You teach your body how to absorb proper nutrients from your good choices. You also bring discipline into the mix. Once you are seeing results, you can then have your occasional cheat days here and there. When you finally get to where you wanted to be, you should then be able to guiltlessly have days of decadence, because your discipline is so strong that you know you will be in the gym burning that party weekend off for the next few days. It becomes a balance of enjoying life, keeping the memories and working off the residual crap. I love wine, beer, fatty foods, pasta, and tons of dark chocolate. I also love my health and fitness and the discipline that drives it.

So forget worrying about how you look for a minute. Focus on how you feel. Just get your Why and How, then start! You will find your balance and you will be more beautiful than ever.

I hope that some of what I said helped you, or even just reminded you of what you know you should be doing. Lets try to be as happy as possible while we’re here. It will help us be better to ourselves and each other. It will make a real difference in the World and the Universe. I promise.

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BE FIT AND PROSPER!!!

      Be Fit and Prosper Every American contemplates their fitness levels many times during their lives. For most, it starts as early as 5 or 6 years old.

[trendingnewsb]

The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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A Wild Hunt for Roleplay

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I’ll keep it short and sweet for my introduction. I am Fenry, but you may address me as Fen. Obviously this is not my real name but I would like to keep a pseudonym as my identity until I get to know my partner better. 



I am 25 years and that means adult themes and topics will be included

Female Over 10 years of roleplaying experience

A masters graduate

And I live in CET, Europe

Prefers doubling, though I can make exceptions

We can exchange more information once I’ve received your message. I love talking outside of the Roleplay for some brainstorming and plotting for the story. Plus, making new friends never hurts.

Now to the actual topic what I am looking for in a partner.

Please read before you message me!

Thank you.



My roleplaying partner must be above the age of 18, preferably 20+. 
I don’t care which gender honestly, as long as the Roleplay and friendship is good I am all for it. Contact me with a small introduction. Tell me about yourself, what you’re ideas are, how long you’ve been writing and your limits. I want to know more about you, assess your character before we move to anything else. It would otherwise come off as impersonal. 



The qualities I prefer in an RP buddy are: 


Mature

Dedicated

Detailed

Literate

Frequent (which doesn’t mean that you need to send me 5 messages per day. 2-3 times per week is absolutely fine since I am not able to respond as much either)

Flexible

We all have real, social lives outside of the roleplaying world. I understand when you’re not able to reply as fast all of the time, because it is not much different for me either. I will try to respond at least 4-5 times a week. If it’s a good week, my replying rate will increase depending on the given situation. If there’s work ahead or any sort of obstacle that might get in the way of our exchange, I will let you know as soon as I possibly can! I promise you this! 
But I also hope you do the same when there’s something that might cause a hiatus.




I am looking for LONGTERM and CONTINUOS Roleplays! My partner should be very committed because otherwise, it wouldn’t make a lot of sense and we might as well drop it.





When it comes to my writing style and preferences, I will list these things here for you to read.

Writing: I am a multi-paragraph sort of writer, which means that frequently, my writing will exceed at least 500 words, and upward of 1000+ words. I love detail in description, and I am actively seeking someone of the same infamy. Generally, I tend to write in the 3rd person. I’ve also tested the waters of 1st person but found it fairly awkward, if not, jarring so I’d rather keep it with 3rd person.

Pairings: I openly play characters of both genders, preferable m x f pairings, but I am open to m x m and f x f relationships as well. I have more experience with m x f relationships, so I might excel in this category more than I would do with the others. However, like I said, do not let this deter you. Very much open to other sexual orientations and preferences. Romance and intimate erotic scenes are always a part of the story, so if you are someone who prefers fading to black, I am afraid to tell you that my request isn’t something for you. This is not negotiable, sorry.

Genres: I am versatile when it comes to genres and settings that I like to play in. Supernatural is my absolute jam, especially urban and gothic fantasy, maybe even a bit of mythology as well? 
Anything involving vampires, werewolves, demons, witches, shape shifters, aliens, mutants, other urban creature of folklore, given some sort of modern day spun, is absolutely perfect for me. I also really love science fiction in its many forms. Primarily, I take my sci-fi craving inspirations from Star Wars, Mass Effect, and even Destiny (even though I did not really enjoy the games…). Another genre that I’ve vast interest in includes that of the superhero genre. I’m a big fan of both Marvel and DC fandom, and the concept of having humans with abilities, anything of that short would be awesome to do. Against, these would be with original characters on my part. I’m not as fond of general real-life or general modern day genres and themes without a good, complex idea attached to it.

Characters: Faceclaims, GIFs, drawings, mood boards or just a plain physical description is absolutely welcome / sufficient. I am not someone who necessarily needs a face claim for a character in order ‘to get the picture’. There are many instances where I could not find a suiting match for my character’s definition, so I resorted to drawing them myself or leaving it with a simple description. 
Characters should have flaws - that is a no brainer obviously, since nobody likes a Mary Sue / Gary Stu - but also some unique traits that make them stand out and remain memorable. I take inspiration from JK Rowling or George R.R. Martin for example as each of their character remains very unique and unforgettable in my opinion. They definitely did something right and I want to emulate that, so don’t be afraid to be rather bold with your character creation. Let your imagination run wild and surprise me with your ideas!

World building & plotting: An active roleplayer is wanted in this category, without a doubt. I love to world-build, but I tend to lose interest when I am the only one who puts in the effort into it. I can’t do the thinking for two people, so I implore you to at least share the burden (which should not be regarded as such because roleplaying is a fun hobby and nothing more). Too often I find people shying away from it in this regard. If I feel that I’m carrying the weight of the world-building part with specific ideas, I will end the Roleplay in immediately. And consider that the world building is just the tip of the beginning, so from that, I’ll be able to see whether we’ll be a match or not. Because we’d be starting from scratch with whatever we do, it would be a big relief to have someone who doesn’t mind letting ideas flow to set up the universe that we will be roleplaying in.

Content: I find writing erotic, dramatic or action packed scenes very enjoyable. I don’t hinder myself when certain subjects are mentioned that may be uncomfortable for the general public. But then again, as a reminder, a Roleplay is not reality but fiction. For example situations that heavily imply and involve brutality, mayhem, psychological and physical torture are things that need exploration.

Characters should be fully fleshed out, even the not so pretty parts of one’s personality and actions. There is no black and white, but a wide ranging spectrum of grey areas. A story does not always end well and life is never fair, so to implement this into a Roleplay, it would make a fantastic and very exciting story. Nothing is ever certain, people have their ups and downs… we shouldn’t make an exception here. I am not afraid to delve into even more sinister areas such as psychological trauma if its needed to further the story. I want to be as transparent as I possibly can. I have very few limits. The only subjects I will not touch, or rather avoid are heavy graphic rape scenes, bestiality, necrophilia and pedophilia. Other than that everything is fair game. What I also find quite fascinating is describing someone’s mental as well as physical transformation, ascending to a higher or lower state of being, etc. The process of metamorphosis, may it be the manipulation or corruption of someone… it all is quite eerie and at the same time, intriguing. It all leads to the progression of the story, so be warned that we won’t be walking on egg shells here. 


The story will not be solely centred on dark themes. I love me a mixture of everything, including drama, fluff, angst, action, comedy, romance, adventure, mystery and so forth.


Let’s lighten up a bit, kay? :)

The ones I’ve marked in bold are the ones I am currently itching for the most.




Original plots I am absolutely craving for are:




Genres:


anything mafia related

crimes in remote locations

small towns and supernatural happenings

post apocalyptic/dystopia

supernatural/modern fantasy (demons and devils, monster x hunter)

southern/mid western gothic

murder mystery (small town or big city)

modern/dark fairy tale retellings

sci-fi/cyberpunk

emotionally charged/dark and gritty

superpowers/gifted

unresolved sexual tension/slow burn

mythology

redemption

action

Pairings:

age gaps (non pedophiliac)

friend x best friend’s older sibling

enemies to lovers

cop x criminal

friends turned lovers/pining

grumpy x sunshine

dark hearted man melting for the innocent woman

reunited old lovers and/or friends

boss x employee

neighbours

mentor x mentee

hitman x victim

hurt/comfort

height differences

pet names

rich x poor (or noble and peasant / different social classes)

The Fandoms I am willing to do, although I prefer to make something original:

Films & television:

Marvel cinematic universe

Pacific Rim

Castlevania

Game of Thrones

Riverdale

Young Justice

Voltron

Constantine

Harry Potter

Star Wars

Games:

Witcher III

Devil May Cry

Bayonetta

God of War

Star Wars

Dark Souls

My Roleplaying platform is mostly on email or google docs! I also would like to keep in touch with my partner over a different medium, preferably Discord.

 To contact me use these links here:


EMAIL: mynioncosplay@gmail.com

DISCORD: Fenry#4086


Find me there.

Here are two passwords that you can use in the headline so I know what you want to role-play.


*For ORIGINAL Roleplay, the password is:  Follow me and you shall be

free *For CANON Roleplay, the password is: I will follow you until the end

I know, very original… haha xD
 But anyways, I hope I am lucky enough to find my longterm RP buddy here. 
 Till then, thank you for your time! See you soon <3

#originalroleplay #email #googledocs #partner #longterm #original #supernatural #demons #fantasy #monsters #search #mystery #mature #adult

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The 5 Stupidest People On The Planet (Are All Donald Trump)

How many times are you allowed to say or do something stupid before you realize you yourself are stupid? Seven times? 24? Butts? Rush Limbaugh has been wrong about 270 things a day for 40 years, and he would be truly shocked to learn he’s stupid. We aren’t good at spotting our own intellectual limitations. We walk around thinking we’re brilliant, no matter how many times we get our head stuck in an alligator or our genitals stuck in an alligator. I can prove it: I think I’m smart enough to write an article on intelligence, and the only book I’ve read is the movie Bloodsport. I also recently typed the number butts. Twice. Hold on, butts times now.

The cluelessly stupid are a diverse and colorful community, but most of them fall into one of five distinct categories. I’ll include a famous example of each one, which may end up getting confusing, since our dumbfuck president is somehow the example for all five. So here is a list of dumb idiots, which is maybe the best idea I’ve had for an article since 8 Album Covers White People Could Never Pull Off or Your 3rd Grade Textbook, Only Written By Gary Busey. Here’s the book cover for when it inevitably gets adapted into national bestseller:

One last thing before we start. I imagine that some of you have already taken the idea of this article personally, and you’re keenly watching for any logical flaw, strawman fallacy, or typo which will allow you to dismiss me as a totally wrong hypocrite. If so, I have some bad news: You’re much dumber than you think, and this article is about you. And since you’re already in the comments section, the rest of this sentence is for everyone else: See if you can guess which entry that guy was!

We live in a world infested with experts — body language experts who speculate on handshake meanings, social media experts who tweet about Twitter to Twitterbots, romance experts who tell you how to fuck on a pizza*. There are no rules to declaring yourself an expert. And when you’re self-important enough to think universally shared experiences are yours alone, you become a Keeper of the Common Knowledge.

*Cheese-up, while generously fingering your lover’s pepperoni chakra. You’re welcome, couples.

A Keeper of the Common Knowledge can become a leading mind on a subject after a Wikipedia paragraph or a few hazy childhood memories. Here’s how it works: Every day, about 4,500 American tourists check into Paris hotels. After a few days of standard vacation packaging, they come home, and their barely noteworthy trip is only brought up every time France is mentioned for the rest of their lives. But for a Keeper of the Common Knowledge, those three days offered an insight into a culture so complete that they know the mysterious French people better than they know themselves.

A Keeper of Common Knowledge offers their wisdom when you need it least. They are bursting with things no person could possibly not know, and it spills out at the slightest relevance. They might insert themselves into a discussion about pro wrestling only to explain it’s fake. If you make eye contact with them at a buffet, they give conspiratorial advice, like how to pile the most expensive foods into little shrines honoring your victory over the restaurant. They interrupt movies to share arcane knowledge like how guns are quite noisy or hanging from a cliff makes your arms tired. They’re the kind of person who tells you not to use shampoo as a lubricant, as if they’re the inventor of making love to a bowling ball. Let me spend Valentine’s Day however I want, genius.

Helping Understand Keepers Of The Common Knowledge With Stupid President Donald Trump

Remember when Trump was always saying he was the best at military? That wasn’t a crafty lie to get the tank loader vote; he really thinks that. But why? How? He dodged military service with a note from his gynecologist, and the only book on war he’s read is a Hitler cat recipe book. Well, I’ve done my best to piece together how he came to think of himself as the greatest military mind of our time. It’s pretty amazing how many personality and mental disorders had to come together to make it happen. Keep in mind that I’m not a licensed doctor and can’t diagnose him. However, I do know that popular disabled impersonator Donald Trump has so much evil inside him that his proctologist’s ungloved fingers now add an anus to any flesh they touch. When Trump got an MRI, the computer just showed an image of his daughter squatting over Jesus Christ and peeing into his missing eyes. With that in mind, let’s examine the 4D chessboard the commander in chief calls his “very good brain.”

During the debates, Donald complained that George Patton was spinning in his grave because we announced we were going into Mosul. “Why not go in quiet?” he asked many times. It was most likely rhetorical, but also so ignorant that one moderator accidentally answered it for him. Also, Patton famously led an insane decoy army to distract the Nazis. Saying he’s spinning in his grave over someone being bold is like saying, “I didn’t even read the Netflix description of the movie about the guy I’m invoking” and then adding, “It is truly impossible to miss how terrible I am. I am a walking DO NOT IRON WHILE WEARING SHIRT label. People see me and wonder what helplessly uninformed assholes created a need for me.”

Trump kept referring to a secret military plan to defeat ISIS which he would only reveal after he was made president. This lie was almost cute, like when your boyfriend pretends he knew it was your birthday, or when Mike Huckabee’s son says, “The dog was ritually murdered this way when I found it!” But I don’t think Trump was lying! He really thought he had solved ISIS when his very good brain invented the “sneak attack.” Paradoxically, he knew it was brilliant, but also so obvious that the generals were stupid for not thinking of it. I know a lot of absurdity is getting thrown around in this article, but he actually said that, and Mike Huckabee’s son actually murdered a dog. And Trump’s proctologist absolutely adds buttholes to all flesh he touches. It happens so often that he’s stopped apologizing for it.

From what I can tell, the rest of Trump’s military tactics are made up entirely of war crimes. One morning, convicted fraudster Donald Trump called in to a talk show to suggest we kill the families of terrorists. In one of his first executive briefings, he asked three times why we can’t use nuclear weapons if we have them. That’s his understanding of modern warfare — he thinks all the bad people travel in one bombable group, moving to a new town every time the guileless United States military announces it’s coming. Which means their only weakness is the first president with enough balls to instantly and without warning murder their children. It’s weird, because most clinical sociopaths know that in order to blend in, they’re at least supposed to pretend human life has value.

Trump sounds like a guy who had atomic bombs explained to him by an ill-advised puppet show, but he assured us that “There’s nobody that understands the horrors of nuclear better than me.” How deep does our president’s record-breaking understanding of the horror of nuclear go? Well, in the most aggressively uninformed statement ever made by a dumbest man in the room, he told reporters, “You know what uranium is, right? It’s this thing called nuclear weapons. And other things. Like, lots of things are done with uranium. Including some bad things.”

Those words came out of his mouth. After bragging about being the leading nuclear mind on the planet! No, you don’t get it. You, me, all of us, we now live in a world where anything can happen. Our president, the PRESIDENT, knows three war things — sneak attacks are surprise, nuclear is some bad things, nothing fucking else — and with all his heart, he believes he is a military genius. And we, the people who all knew at least those same things, believed him! We put him in charge of the military! You can absolutely fuck off if that doesn’t prove magic is real.

There’s a soothing belief among the unskilled and dumb that every issue is simple and knowledge is a pointless endeavor. A Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise thinks they have a refreshing outsider’s take on every issue. They say things like “Hollywood should only make daring, original films” or “The cure for the obesity epidemic is fucking eating less” or “Have depressed people tried not being sad?” Everything is so easy to solve if you stop ignoring the obvious answer!

There is a lot of appeal in thinking any of the world’s problems can be fixed with your no-nonsense telling it like it is. In fact, our movies and TV shows cater to it. They manufacture situations in which the obvious solution is ignored until the doofus character suggests an extremely common-sense idea. The others say something like “My- my God, it’s so simple it’s brilliant!” If you’re dumb enough, it feels like they’re talking to you! Let me give you an example.

Remember in Top Gun, when Maverick is being chased by an enemy jet through the danger zone? He’s going to die if he can’t get behind them, but how? Easy: He’s going to slam on the brakes, and they will fly right by. No one in the movie can believe it. That shit isn’t in the Pilot Rulebook, Maverick! But rules and pilots will never replace raw street smarts like the kind you and Maverick have. Personally, I’m so street smart that I don’t even wonder how the jet already had brakes if Maverick was the first guy to invent the idea of slowing down a jet with jet brakes. I’m so street smart that I would have thrown a bowling ball out the window and said “She broke my heart too, pal!” as it smashed into the enemy pilot’s chest, making a perfect comedic callback to earlier, when I was having sex with that bowling ball.

Here’s an example from a movie that isn’t 31 years old:

Have you ever noticed how in sports movies, there’s always a wildcard character who ends up being the best at the sport because they’ve never heard of it? They hit the golf ball or kick the football furthest because they haven’t cluttered their brain with pointless “knowledge.” Or maybe they’re unstoppable at basketball because they’re a caveman, or a dog. If you’re fetally alcoholed enough, these movies send a truly comforting message: Your lack of knowledge is specifically what will make you great at things. And think of how many things you don’t know how to do. But not too hard; you don’t want to accidentally understand anything so well that you become bad at it, like George Lucas did with Star Wars or Gamergate did with women.

Helping Understand Pure Intellects Untainted By Expertise With Stupid President Donald Trump

Knowing nothing about how to do something but also being the only one who can do it is Donald Trump’s defining philosophy. He went into his campaign telling everyone how he knew nothing about politics, and that’s virtually the only thing he didn’t lie about. But of all his shortcomings, nothing demonstrates a Pure Intellect Untainted by Expertise as much as his stupid fucking Mexico WALL.

To think a wall is the solution to drugs, illegal immigration, or human trafficking requires a spectacular lack of knowledge. You have to carefully not read the first sentence of the first Google result on any of the issues. Most undocumented immigrants arrive legally and overstay their visas. Nothing has stopped drugs ever. I don’t have all the stats on human trafficking, but every Staples I called said that they haven’t printed an unusually high number of SEX SLAVE LIQUIDATION SALE signs since Trump announced he wanted a fence.

I’m already attacking the problem with facts, and our president wouldn’t know a fact if it unraveled his combover and rappelled down Trump Tower. A human should know a wall wouldn’t work simply by remembering what they know about walls. And since we live in an amazing time when anything can happen, we’ve actually witnessed Donald Trump accidentally think too hard about his wall and figure out that it wouldn’t work.

In November of last year, Trump was explaining walls to a crowd. He reassured them that no one could scale his wall by saying, “There’s no ladder going over there.” He then took a long, silent thought … maybe to consider whether Mexicans have ladder technology? He caveated, “If they ever get up there, they’re in trouble, ’cause there’s no way to get down.” Still deep in thought, he added, “… maybe a rope.” And with that, he debunked his own fence, almost a year ago, by inadvertently thinking about it for just the smallest amount of time.

Since then, it seems like any time Trump talks about the subject for too long, he’ll remember another way to defeat a wall and have to add a feature. He once remembered that you can dig under walls, so he added special vibration-sensing anti-tunnel technology. He once misunderstood what someone meant by the word “transparent,” and insisted that yeah, it was important to make the wall transparent so you can see the giant bags of drugs falling over it. And when he remembered that hammers can smash through walls, he suggested we fill it with, no bullshit, nuclear waste. There was also some talk of solar panels and a railroad. So now this thing senses vibrations (except for its own railroad), is climb-proof, is immune to everything but rope, and they’re going to fill it with nuclear waste, which you can see because the wall is transparent. Also it’s made of solar panels. So maybe this is an example of how knowing nothing about a thing sometimes can make you the best at it. Because Trump knows less about walls than a free-range chicken’s limitless dreams, and he somehow designed the sweetest goddamn wall in the world.

The Determined Fool decided many years ago that they were extremely correct about something. Maybe they picked a political party, or a video game console, or the concept of snakes as pets. Whatever it was, they went about building their identity around the simple, unquestionable truth of that thing’s supremacy. Since absolute certainty is a trait shared only by the very stupid, it turns out they were wrong. About everything. The alien-worshiping religion or the perpetually sued president they chose did not in fact end man’s quest for universal truth. So now their life is devoted to developing the insanities necessary to keep their minds from noticing their mistake.

The human brain is an amazing organ. It can keep the Determined Fool ignorant even in the face of overwhelming education. In fact, proving to a Determined Fool how they are wrong usually only makes them more wrong. But who am I to say what’s real? Our perception is just the interface we use to interpret a Universe of unknown wonders. I think it was Guy Fieri who once honked the horn on his top-down Chevelle and screamed, “Truth is a fleeting concept, like a slippery dildo in a dildo sweepstakes booth, weeknights at 8 on the Food Network!”

I found this image in a folder called DRUNK PHOTOSHOP and thought “I’ll never find a place for whatever this is, drunk me.” In your face, sober me.

No one has a handle on truth, but 2,300 years ago, Aristotle said that the best truth is usually the one balanced between two extremes. So how are the most extreme people always the most sure they’re right? It’s been a dumb thing to think since they literally fucking invented how to think. Completely unaware of this, the Determined Fool starts political wars from indefensible positions like “trickle-down economics” or “Let’s hear these Nazis out.” Luckily, they have an arsenal of behavioral problems and logical fallacies to help them move out of any checkmate. For instance, maybe you decided you support Trump because he’s a great businessman who tells it like it is. Fine. So you bought a little hat, masturbated to a picture of the nude first lady, and warned the Muslim in your building that Sharia law is no longer welcome in America. You’re just the worst. A true piece of shit, like back when America was great.

Then you read an article about how Trump has failed in every business he ever started, sometimes intentionally to launder Russian mafia money. And it turns out his immigration policy is just something called “racial intolerance.” Also, you find a study revealing that more than 80 percent of the things Trump says are wrong — sometimes from dishonesty, but often from weirdly comprehensive dumbness. Oh man, this Trump guy? I think you really blew it. I wrote an online quiz that might help you understand.

So what are you supposed to do now? Get a refund for your hat? Apologize to the Muslim in your building who turned out to be something called “a Sikh”? Why bother? There are no consequences for anything, and your garbage brain can easily convince itself the media was lying. Plus, history eventually proves all racists to be right about daughter-killing immigrants, which because of Sharia law is perfectly legal in your Muslim neighbor’s apartment. And with those simple mental gymnastics, boom, America is great again.

Neuroscientists call this type of nimble stupidity “cognitive dissonance,” but I’m not a neuroscientist. I’m a man who types things like “a shrieking Guy Fieri trying to justify an all-rib diet to his own hickory-smoked diarrhea.” That’s what the Determined Fool is: someone bursting with shit who would rather pitch you on a world of diarrhea fountains than deal with their own problems.

Man invented the scientific method 400 years ago, when Galileo thought to sometimes ask, “What if we’re wrong about this?” They teach it to third-graders. So try to remember this: Every single time you’re 100 percent convinced you’re right, you’re dumber than a 17th-century leech farmer or an eight-year-old C student. Even if you turn out to be right. You hopeless, self-brainwashing diarrhea fountain salesman.

Helping Understand Determined Fools With Stupid President Donald Trump

Not all Determined Fools have minds elastic enough for cognitive dissonance. In order to hang onto their harmful, evil, self-destructive, or otherwise dumbass beliefs, some have to resort to false equivalencies. Like when Trump was asked how he feels about Putin being a killer, and he said, “So what? Other people are killers too!” That’s how seductive false equivalencies can be to a simple mind. These fucks end up arguing FOR murder and FOR Nazis, and they think they’re making, like, a point?

Since basic human decency is now a political issue, some of you were already thinking “THE LEFT DOES IT TOO!” Sure, buddy. There are other things wrong in the world besides murder and Nazis. For example, your mother’s footjob game. And sure, for every ten Gamergaters threatening to kill a girl for abiding a black Human Torch, there is a Twitter warrior who chose to support feminism with an overly harsh meme. But sanctimonious heroism isn’t anything like being a Nazi. And nothing any Democrat will ever do is similar to bragging about grabbing pussies while you’re married to a model you bought from Slovenia. If you’re confused, always remember: When two things are described with different words and have different meanings, they aren’t the same. You don’t get to lie and murder and be Kenyan just because Obama does it too.

When your world is built on top of something as flaky as religion or politics, it’s exhausting. You have to defend nonsense all day because you don’t know which crack in your foundation will require you to rebuild your entire belief system. That’s a ton of work. I still convince myself electronic music is fun because it’s easier than developing rhythm. People still chase children with knives because it’s faster than explaining why they became a clown. But if your beliefs are so flimsy that they shatter as soon as you admit a mistake, let them shatter. You can rebuild a far superior personality and system of values with a single episode of Super Friends.

What if I told you that television shows were dangerous? It’s true. In the year 2000, four out of every five injuries occurred in a home that owned a VHS copy of Robocop III. Someone might say, “That’s compelling Robocorrelation, but that data alone does not suggest Robocausation.” Fine. But maybe your first instinct was to say, “Robocop III is a movie, not a TV show, you fucking dumbass.” If so, then congratulations, idiot, you’re a Technical Genius. You’re smart enough to spot a technicality, but too dumb to know everyone else did too and it was light years away from the point. You’re the kind of person who tells your doctor, “Um, it’s Chief Chirpa?” when he tells you that getting the Wicket doll out of your asshole will require surgery. “And, um,” you’ll add, “it’s an action figure? Maybe you should have gone to a non-stupid medical school.”

The nice thing about being a Technical Genius is that it feels like proof you’re smarter than everyone. They can say you don’t “get it” all day, but they’re the imbeciles who think Robocop III is a TV show. Look at it like this: You are the only one in the history of Koala Times Bus Tours to contract syphilis from a koala bite. You might be embarrassed, but at least you aren’t like those other fools screaming “Don’t touch the koala bears!” when they are in fact marsupials. I mean, if koalas were actual bears, your whole face would be missing, not still here and covered in pulsing chancres.

Technical Geniuses reach maximum annoying when they decide that pointing out technicalities is a sense of humor. For instance, if you announced, “My wife is pregnant and we’re having a boy,” a Technical Genius might quip, “Well, technically only women can have babies. Unless you count the Chief Chirpa action figure currently breaching my anus — um, which you should, since it is the dictionary definition. Heard of it? Hey, everyone! This idiot with no dictionary is watching me shit out a Chief Chirpa, and he doesn’t even know which gender gives birth!”

Technical Geniuses have such a rigid understanding of the rules of language that they miss the meaning behind words. They mistake sarcasm for a mistake that needs correcting. Their idea of wordplay is assuming you meant the wrong homonym, which makes them both a walking Family Circus cartoon and the person condescendingly explaining to the Family Circus characters how “cool” may sometimes refer to “tubular” instead of temperature. And god help you if you get into a written discussion with them, as the tiniest typo can turn even the most important debate into a fourth-grade grammar lesson. They’d rather tell you that “non whites” should have a hyphen rather than agree that killing them is wrong.

For the most part, the Technical Genius just derails conversations with unlikeability. But their fierce misunderstanding of unspoken rules can lead to problems way more serious. You know what happens when you can’t see past the immediate and literal meaning of words? Well, I’ll show you. It’s technically unfair how there’s no “White” History Month or “White” Entertainment Television, right? And fine, black lives matter, but isn’t it MORE loving and accepting to say that ALL lives matter? See? I’m only two sentences into my life as a Technical Genius, and I’ve already talked myself into racism. All it took was the limited observation skills of a bad ’90s standup routine with the deliberate cultural ignorance of a bad ’90s standup routine.

Remember when that panty-dropper at Google got fired for writing, word-for-word, how women aren’t good at robots because of their emotions and milk-squirting nipples? That guy was absolutely a Technical Genius. Men and women are different, sure, but if you’re either of those things, you already knew that. You also might know how, almost always, these differences aren’t worth mentioning and vary from person to person. Yes, a woman is a bad hire if you need someone to stand next to a wolf for 29 days without bleeding. But even as someone who’s not a wolf scientist, I can think of a few workarounds: wolf nose plugs, baking soda underpants, menopause, chaining the wolf out of vagina-biting range … are we sure we even need to fill this standing-near-a-wolf position? See, this is how a healthy mind operates — it solves problems, asks questions, and keeps ladies safe from crotch-biting predators because it’s the right thing to do. A Technical Genius makes a short-sighted, clumsy observation and acts like they put all reason in checkmate. You know who could explain this better than me? The outrageously bad con man the worst 20 percent of our population voted into the White House.

Helping Understand Technical Geniuses With Stupid President Donald Trump

This is a classic example of a Technical Genius. To this dumbshit, it seems like he’s turned the tables on the entire concept of racial oppression. He raises the same point made by most clueless fucks on their first day of imaginary struggle: “How come whites can’t do one of the things blacks do? Isn’t that the REAL persecution?” It’s worse than ignorant. It’s the kind of childlike question you might ask the Star Trek crew if you’re a checkerboarded alien who knows nothing of their world’s Ray Sizzum.

There are different rules, unspoken or not, for every caste, race, and gender. You have to play some pretty intense make-believe to say you don’t know that. And only the dimmest, pussiest of white people invent their own oppression, like not being allowed to say “Merry Christmas” or “the N-word.” I’m not either, but I bet white billionaires have different troubles than the characters on Black-ish, and it seems impossible that Donald Trump hasn’t had this explained to him by Omarosa’s hairdresser many times.

The things Technical Geniuses say are often so frustratingly wrong but also “not wrong” that they act as traps. Your every instinct is to add context to them, but don’t — you will only become them. Look again at our evil president’s “Black-ish” tweet. You might feel the urge to correct the five grammatical mistakes he made in its three sentences, but any decent person should feel compelled as fuck to explain just the most basic, introductory concepts of race to him. This grown man thinks that the unfairness of having a show called Black-ish when there’s not one called “Whiteish” is “racism at highest level.” That means you have to start your explanation with “Um, have you heard of a little thing called slavery?” And look what’s happened. You’re the one saying dumb, obvious shit now.

Sometimes a stupid person starts to figure out that their brain doesn’t work as well as everyone else’s. Maybe they looked around their home and realized they only owned books by Ann Coulter on how to identify different Asians by which part of the human they eat. Or maybe they watch The Big Bang Theory, which for eight seasons has just been Jim Parsons staring directly into a camera and repeating “You are an idiot ape. You are a mindless sack of tepid water.” It’s true, Big Bang Theory viewers, and I’m the only one with the courage to say it.

Discovering your own intellectual shortcomings is terrifying, especially for the insecure. So some of them create a new reality, one with rules carefully constructed to make them brilliant. The disorder starts simply enough. Your friend tells you that birthday meals are free at any restaurant if you tell them you’re a registered sex offender. Later, Yahoo Answers tells you that impersonating a sex offender is not technically a crime. Later still, in jail, you decide you hate being tricked. They become the Untrickable.

The Untrickable believes that not being fooled is the pickle of human intelligence, but we assume they mean pinnacle. For a person to avoid being fooled, they need deep, multi-dimensional knowledge. Luckily, there is a shortcut: Assume everything is trying to fool you. Assume every video you watch is fake, and use that single word to describe each of them in the comments section. You’ll find that not only do you suddenly feel smart, but you’re also significantly smarter than anyone who has ever believed in “God” or “science” or “Guy Fieri not being a toilet brush brought to life by a lonely plumber’s wish.”

There’s only one problem with this: When everything is fake, nothing is. You start solving mundane mysteries with “ghosts.” Lizard men infiltrating a Target becomes exactly as likely as non-lizards asking you to leave for trying to pull human masks off the customers. The flatness of the Earth becomes a frustrating reminder of how no one else is smart enough to see through the lies of Big Fact. Luckily, our president is 100 percent immune to the lies of Big Fact.

Helping Understand The Untrickables With Extremely Never-Tricked President Donald Trump

Trump has the unique mix of confidence, paranoia, and ignorance that creates a perfectly untrickable person. He thinks global warming, a savagely obvious thing only one political party in one of the world’s countries isn’t aware of, is a scheme to undermine America’s industry. He thinks the same thing about the Paris Climate Accords and regulations against dumping coal sludge into drinking water. It would take two minutes to teach a six-year-old Honduran immigrant the English necessary to teach Donald Trump why he’s wrong about any of these things. Which would, at best, lead to a tweet claiming that Mexican children are a scheme to destroy America’s industry.

Special thanks to Aaron Clode for the custom illustrations.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the internet. You can follow him on Twitter, or play his hit mobile game Calculords.

Not sure if you’re stupid? Smack yourself in the head with these giant mallets until you know for certain.

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