#and also shitty facebook posts with 'life hacks' or whatever

[stitchtehzombie]

Hey remember when pinterest was fun

[purplesurveys]

1055

surveys by lets-make-surveys

1 - Surveys aside, do you use Tumblr for any other reason? Not anymore. I used to have a main blog, but it’s been years since I opened it; this is it (excuse the bad word in the URL lol, I thought it made me look like an edgy teen) but as I got older I used it less and less frequently until I no longer remember the password to log back in. These days I stay on Tumblr precisely because no one really uses it anymore, so it’s the perfect spot to hide this blog in.

2 - Do you have a lot of social media accounts? Do you update them all regularly? Depends on what you mean by a lot; I have all the basic ones - Twitter, IG, Facebook, YouTube, hell I still even have my Snapchat alive lol but I haven’t used it in like three years. I use YouTube the most but I don’t update it per se, like I just use it to watch videos. Facebook I’ve used a lot less often since the breakup, but I’ve shared a handful of posts since September. I’m probably on Twitter the most, but even then my usage hasn’t been the same.

3 - Does it bother you when your socks don’t match? What about your underwear? I don’t care for either situation, especially for underwear. Why would I care about something no one is ever going to see and even think about?

4 - How many times a year do you go on vacation? Do you tend to go to the same places each time? My family plans at least two trips, at least in non-Covid circumstances. We will sometimes repeat provinces but we never repeat hotels or sites, and we seldom repeat cities. The only places I remember visiting more than once are Baguio, Tagaytay, Albay, Subic, and Baler.

5 - How many times did it take you to pass your driving test? Just one. I could not afford to fuck it up; I was at the LTO for 8 hours and was not willing to go through that shitty long wait, so I absolutely had to pass that exam and do my best with the shitty car I had to work with.

6 - When you’re in trouble, do your parents ever “middle name” you? Nah they never used my whole name. My mom’s trademark is to add an -ah sound to my name when I’ve done something wrong though, as in Robina lol. That’s a sign I should know I shouldn’t have done what I did, whatever it is.

7 - Which family member do you look like the most? Which one do you resemble the most in terms of personality? People are always shocked to hear my mom is actually my mom and not my sister, because 1) we look very much alike, and 2) she looks young for her age. As for my personality, I’d say I’m a perfect split of my mom and dad. I exhibit an equal amount of traits they both have and I can’t tell which one I act like more.

8 - Have you ever been arrested? Never.

9 - Do you prefer Apple or Android? Apple. Would rather pay more than be stuck with an interface, camera, and emojis that I personally don’t like.

10 - Does getting sweaty or dirty bother you at all? If so, has it ever put you off doing exercise? I don’t sweat a lot, so I really do hate it when I feel beads of sweat on my temples or when the back of my shirt starts to feel damp. It doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings about exercising; I don’t like working out, period.

11 - Have you ever broken a bone? What were the circumstances that led to this happening? Never happened, hope it never happens.

12 - If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be? I wish I didn’t get the hairy gene so that I didn’t have to shave too much; my hair to be a little livelier and bouncier; and my front teeth to be straighter.

13 - When was the last time your computer crashed or froze? is this something that happens often? It must’ve been around a month ago. It just got too busy, so it froze for a few seconds. My laptop’s a trooper and doesn’t crash/freeze a lot.

14 - Do you ever have problems with your sleep? It’s mid-sleep I’ve been having issues with; I get nightmares almost every night. I don’t have a problem falling asleep as I’m able to do so pretty quickly.

15 - What was the last thing you ate for breakfast? Is this a normal breakfast meal for you? Angel sent over a small box of chocolate chip cookies as a Christmas gift so I’ve been enjoying that :) I’m currently having it with warm coffee. My normal breakfast is no breakfast, so this is a treat for me. Before this I also had to eat my leftover Chapaghetti that I couldn’t finish last night.

16 -  Have you ever thought about how you want to spend your retirement? That has not come to mind a lot, actually. I think more about death than I do my retirement...but this question tells me I should probably take a few steps back. I’d simply love to live in comfort with the person I end up growing old with. For now, that’s all I see myself wanting.

17 - When was the last time you got a new tattoo or piercing? Do you have any plans to get either in the future? A little less than 22 years ago; my mom had my ears pierced when I was a few months old. Haven’t gotten any new ones, nor tattoos, since. I’d love to have a couple of tattoos. Some of my ideas are two pawprints for each of my dogs, a plate of nachos, and lyrics that are personally meaningful.

18 - How would you describe your personality? Oof, what a loaded question. Hmm, I guess I’d generally label myself as hardened until I get close with someone? I’ve always kept a wall up and as friendly and extroverted as I can be, I don’t enjoy letting just anyone in. I value my personal and private space, and it’s important that I don’t lose it. 

From another angle, I also like to keep doing nice things for other people, even at the expense of my own happiness and comfort. I have to keep making people happy to keep me pleased with myself and the world. Maybe it’s rooted in the fact that I’m the eldest daughter in an Asian family? Idrk, but all I know is that I’ve never had a problem putting other people first.

19 - Have you ever heard of “hygge”? is this something you enjoy or participate in at all? I have no idea what this is and I’ve never come across this word before.

20 - What colour was the last vehicle you travelled in? Does this vehicle belong to you or someone else? White. It’s the car that was given to me for college, but when all is said and done it’s not mine.

21 - Would you describe yourself as healthy? Why or why not? In some senses yes, in other senses no. I don’t exercise or actively watch my diet, and I certainly eat too much junk; so proactively speaking, I’m not super healthy. But generally, my gene pool has been pretty fortunate with health. Other than heart conditions that run in certain branches of the family, we’re relatively a healthy bunch.

22 - Would you describe yourself as messy or organised? Is this something you would like to change? It’s a balance of both. I’m very organized at work so I allow myself to let go in my personal space, like my closet and car. I do clean up from time to time and I still like my space to be neat, but I’m not as neurotic as I normally would be with my workspace.

23 - Do you miss anything about being a teenager? If you are a teenager, what’s your favourite thing about it? The innocence. It was a period of being ideal, being a dreamer, being as romantic about life as I wanted to be. It was also a period where you were allowed to make mistakes, because fucking up when you’re younger lets you off the hook. These are the biggest things I miss, but I don’t really find myself pining for my teenage days. I still like where I am, even if things are realistically a little duller in adulthood.

24 - Are you patriotic at all? Why/why not? No. It’s hard to be when your country is shit.

25 - Have you ever had to wear a white lab coat before? Was this in school or for a job? Yeah we had lab coats in Lab class in high school, but they were green. We also needed safety goggles, and if I remember correctly if we had neither of these things we had to sit outside and skip out on the session.

26 - Would you ever want to do the same career(s) as your parents? I can see myself going down somewhere in the secretarial path like my mom as I’m good at organizing things and keeping internal affairs in order, but I don’t know if I would find it fulfilling. But in general, I wouldn’t want to be in the hotel and restaurant industry. I don’t have any attachments to it and I’ve always felt like I belonged in media and communications.

27 - Do you believe in aliens? Is there a reason why (or why not)? Yes. For the most part, it’s more comforting to think and believe that we’re not the only beings around.

28 - Which animated film would you most like to live in? Does it have to be a film? I’d love to be in the Fairly OddParents universe and have fairy godparents of my own.

29 - When was the last time you got into an argument? Have you made up with that person yet? Gab. I don’t know. She’s ignoring me.

30 - What are you going to do now this survey is over? Take another one.

--

1 - Have you ever had your computer or e-mail hacked? Did anything bad happen as a result? No but I had bad viruses on all of my Windows laptops before. The worst virus I got involved my laptop typing out some long-ass Vietnamese paragraphs for me at the most random times. It was like a horror movie lmao. Every time I Googled the text I never got any leads from it, so I never knew what it meant or what the virus was. 

2 - Do you prefer the company of people or animals? I don’t really have a preference when it comes to these two because their companionships are individually different. I like that animals can be playful and sweet; but I also like cracking jokes and having meaningful conversations with people.

3 - Are you a religious person? Were you raised in that faith or did you discover it a later date in life? I was born and raised Catholic, and still legally am. I never saw the appeal of the idea of being saved or of reading the Bible or anything that has to do with Christianity; and the idea of praying was weird to me even from childhood. A lot of Christians/Catholics I know are hypocrites anyway, and to me that says a lot about their mindset when it comes to religion.

4 - When was the last time you went to the beach? What did you do there? August 2019. My friends and I had a day trip to Nasugbu so we could have some fun before the semester started; we mostly swam and caught up with one another. August is a low season so we literally had the beach, the pool, and the poolside bar to ourselves.

5 - With all the COVID restrictions in place, would you feel happy/comfortable travelling abroad right now? Why/why not? I’d be happy, but not comfortable because of the swab test I would have to take hahaha. The selfish part of me is itching to go to other places already. I know my parents would put a million roadblocks to keep me from getting on a plane though, so me traveling is purely theoretical.

6 - How would you describe your dress sense? I like wearing flattering pieces but nothing too flashy or bright. I get items that are currently in style and make sure they match with the rest of my wardrobe, but at the end of the day I still like to blend in with the crowd and avoid neon colors, flashy labels, or whatever it is that would make me stand out.

7 - Do you wait until the sales start before you buy non-essential items? I never really pay attention to sales. It’s led to some pleasant surprises, like the other day when I was looking for a gift for my aunt. There was an H&M purse that caught my eye and it was so pretty, but way above my budget. I decided to get it anyway because that aunt throws amazing Christmas parties over the years and gives us lots of money, so I thought it could would be my way of giving back (especially since her company got hit hard by Covid). Once I got to the cashier the register showed it was like 60% off, even though there were no stickers on it and there was zero promotion anywhere in the store.

8 - What kind of milk do you prefer to drink (if you drink it at all)? I don’t drink milk, but I’m able to consume it in other dishes. I haven’t tried any types other than whole milk.

9 - Do you prefer blonde hair or brunette hair on your preferred sex? I don’t have preferences when it comes to hair color. We’re not really conditioned to consider this factor, since Filipinos have black hair.

10 - Would you be embarrassed to own the same clothing as one of your parents? No. I borrow stuff from my mom all the time. My sister also borrows some of my dad’s t-shirts, at least the ones that can fit her.

11 - When was the last time you wore some kind of fancy dress? Like...a gown? I’m not too sure. It must’ve been Alena’s debut three years ago since that’s the last fancy party I went to.

12 - Do you enjoy dressing up (ie. in suits or smart clothing)? When was the last time you did so? I like dressing up and making myself look cute, but dressing up formally not so much.

13 - What’s worse - being overdressed or underdressed? Personally, underdressed. I’d rather look too prepared than looking as if I didn’t care to look decent for whatever event I’m headed to.

14 - What do you think would be the worst thing about being stuck in solitary confinement? Not having any options or activities to do.

15 -  Have you ever owned an unusual or exotic pet? Would you want to? Nope. I would not want to have one. Unusual pet is just a euphemism for animals that shouldn’t be pets.

16 - How old were you when you learned to tie your shoelaces? I was 5 and had to learn it for a test in kindergarten.

17 - Do you enjoy decorating for the holidays? Sure, it makes me feel festive :)

18 - Would you rather go into a restaurant or just go via the drive-through? These days it’s more wise to use the drive-thru, but to be frank I’ve missed dining in. I would opt for the restaurant but make sure to follow safety protocols in the area.

19 - Do you like having your teeth cleaned at the dentist? I’ve actually always found trips to the dentist soothing, even as a kid. The only time I ever really freaked out was when I went last year to have a tooth removed and I was told that I needed an anaesthesia shot on my gums; even then, I didn’t even feel anything when it finally happened.

20 - Have you ever had a gun drawn on you before? Maybe? My cousins and friends and I doodled on each other a lot as kids.

21 - When was the last time you went to a petting zoo? I’ve never been to one and idk if I can go to one.

22 - Do you bite your nails? Could you physically bite your toenails if you stretched enough? Sometimes I’ll gnaw at my nails and then scrape them off. I’ve found it more satisfying than biting them all the way off. I could definitely bite my toenails, but I choose not to.

23 - How old were you when you first started using Tumblr? Have you had the same blog all that time? It wasssssss 2010, so I was 11 at the time. Nah, I deactivated that blog only after a year of using it and then I shifted to a wrestling blog.

24 - Are you a fan of practical jokes? If I’m watching celebrities pull it on another celebrities, yeah. Most of the time I get anxious that the recipient would react negatively, so I don’t watch a lot of pranks.

25 - How many years older and younger than you would you consider dating? Is this a concrete thing or would you make an exception for the right person? It will still depend on the latter condition, of course; but theoretically I would like to keep seeing people my exact age. No more and no less than the year 1998. Growing up with relatives in such close age to me makes me feel like I’d be dating an older cousin if it was someone a year older, and my sister if it was someone a year younger.

26 - Who did you vote for in the last US elections? If you’re not in the US, who would you have voted for? I don’t live in the US; I would have voted for Biden.

27 - Are you a fan of reddit? What are some of your favourite subreddits? Sure. I don’t visit it as much as I used to, but I still go on there when I’m bored and in need of entertaining or educational content. r/AskReddit is a classic fave of mine, but I also go on r/interestingasfuck, r/todayilearned, r/mildlyinteresting, r/dataisbeautiful, r/SquaredCircle, and r/goodmythicalmorning. Sometimes I’ll visit the r/AmItheAsshole sub as well to have some fun lol.

28 - Have you ever watched those YouTube videos of people popping their own spots or zits? Do you find them gross or fascinating? Not those, but I’ve looked up earwax extractions and blackhead removals before.

29 - What’s a food you hated as a kid but love now? How about vice versa? Chicken curry is probably my best example because I’m obsessed with all kinds of curry now, whether it’s Indian butter chicken, Thai green curry, or Japanese curry. I didn’t understand the complex flavors as a kid, but I’m got to appreciate more and more as I got older.

30 - Do you prefer socks, shoes or going bare foot? Idk, I feel like all these choices are useful and convenient in their own different situations? I’m barefoot when I’m at home but put on socks when it’s chilly, and I wear shoes when I’m outdoors.

[mapgiejournal]

Note to an Aspiring Trumper

What do you think? was the question and I hope you are as open minded as you believe. I consider you a friend and as such, I will be honest.

YouTube, Facebook, Twitter and all the rest are not news and information sources. They are entertainment. While they may frequently offer interesting ideas, these ideas should be met with some amount of skepticism. The confusion among Trump supporters between anarchists (who don’t believe in government or property) Marxists (who believe in government ownership of all property) and Nazis (who were not socialists but who added the term after nationalism to describe the perfect marriage of state and corporate power) illustrates the shortcomings of social media as educational tool. Journalists report on verifiable facts that are are confirmed by more than one source. If you’d like a quick education on journalistic integrity, see “All the President’s Men,” or “The Pelican Brief.” These are both fictionalized accounts but they do illustrate the principles on which good journalism operates. Social media does not operate on the principles of journalism neither, for that matter, does Fox News. One good way of verifying integrity is having a look at how many times a news source retracts or corrects itself. The New York Times and Washington Post correct themselves daily. This is not an admission of guilt but one of fallibility. People are fallible. Good journalism recognizes this.

You say Trump is trimming regulation and returning power to the states. What regulations has he done away with that were impinging on your freedom? For forty years the Republican party has been merrily hacking its way through the social safety net under the guise of “freedom” which they regularly confuse with free enterprise. There is precisely nothing wrong with free enterprise. Free enterprise that is allowed to do whatever it wants while treating its employees, customers and the environment like garbage must be prevented and the only way to prevent it is regulation. Exploitation in the pursuit of capital is the worst of our human failings: The dollar should never be considered of higher value than life. Without regulation, we would not have clean air and water, we would not have Glacier National Park, we would not have even the shitty work conditions that you detest in your current employment.

Black Lives Matter is a reaction to the most extreme form of exploitation in the pursuit of capital - slavery and 400 years of institutionalized racism. I have marched in support, through the streets of Vail, and I’ve marched alongside police officers who agreed with the movement, and who feel the incredible amounts of death and pain and incarceration inflicted on black citizens of our society needs correcting. You say you oppose affirmative action. I can’t imagine why. It hasn’t diminished you in any way, it hasn’t taken anything away from you. If anything, it has lifted you up because it has enabled someone who would never have had the opportunities you and I take for granted to move ahead and contribute something meaningful, perhaps ground-breaking to society. Colin Powell comes to mind as someone who has contributed mightily to this country and who arrived in a position to make that contribution through hard work and because Affirmative Action gave him an opportunity to do so. Can you imagine how many incredible minds were wasted, how many great spirits vanquished because their skin was the wrong color? What a waste in a country that prides itself on diversity (E Pluribus Unum) and opportunity. The United States built the greatest economy and upwardly mobile society the world has ever known during the years after the Second World War. Can you imagine how much greater it might have been if black GI’s returning from war had been included in the GI Bill?

I can’t look on Donald J Trump as my “weird uncle.” I look at him as what he is - an empty, hollow shell seeking nothing but money and power. He is a narcissist in the extreme. You may have grown up near New York City, but I’ve spent time in the city with abrasive characters, ruthless capitalists and regular people. I’ve also met people who have had direct dealings with Trump and who have nothing pleasant to say about him. I find it very telling that the longest surviving member of Trump’s cabinet is Stephen Miller, an utter racist. It is also symptomatic that Trump fails to listen to any advice he doesn’t agree with even from people who know far more than he does. This in itself is remarkable - he is the President of the United States, the most brilliant minds in the world are immediately accessible to him and yet he fails to seek advice or listen when it is offered.

Throughout his presidency, Trump has coddled dictators and strongmen, encouraged racists (“Good people” among the Nazis and White Supremacists in Charlotte and Richmond), and done his best to divide Americans along every fault line he can imagine. He attacks any journalist who questions him or derides any report he doesn’t like as “Fake news” and now he is painting any person who protests his presidency as “anarchists” and “agitators.” Hitler did this before the Reichstag fire (which his supporters set), blamed the fire on those same “anarchists” and “agitators” and seized power. If you would like an education into the perils of thinking our country can’t slide into authoritarianism, I would suggest “The Banality of Evil.”

Today is July 30 and the Trump has suggested postponing the election though the Constitution specifically gives that power to Congress. Two of Trump’s enablers, his Attorney General and Secretary of State, have both answered that the law is not clear on whether or not the president can postpone an election. The law is quite clear and these are men who, along with Trump, have taken oaths to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Just another piece of paper if you haven’t actually read it, if you have no intention of maintaining the Republic on which it was founded, or who believe the president is above the law.

Trump has flouted the law since before he was elected. His associates knowingly colluded with foreign agents to influence the election; he has locked children in cages; he has used his office to line his pockets, those of his family and those of his allies; and he given comfort to the enemy in failing to take any action - or even addressing - the bounty placed on American military personnel in the Middle East by Russia, the very definition of High Treason; and he has never ceased lying to the American people since the day he took office. All of these facts are indisputable, verifiable and widely available. That so many choose to be willfully ignorant of those facts is a threat to the liberty and freedom of every citizen of this country and every lover of liberty and freedom worldwide. Trump cares not at all for America or Americans - there are over 150,000 dead Americans whose corpses can attest to that, a number that sadly grows daily due to the utter malfeasance and total incompetence of Donald J Trump.

Jonathan

[mcjour]

so the other day was the anniversary of my friend’s death and i realized there was so much i didn’t process there like at all. 

i can barely even remember what our relationship was. he definitely wasn’t a close best friend or anything, at least. but the line between acquaintance and friend is blurred. like, i didn’t exactly hang out with him. but it’s not like i was really hanging out with anyone at that point lol.

so i see his closer friends (also my friends) post something on facebook sometimes and i am like huh am i entitled to that? was i close enough to him or would posting be attention seeking?

i mean there isn’t anything i need to post or anything but thought that was an interesting thought. especially knowing my friends who knew him really wouldn’t even be the type to gatekeep grief anyway but like i said just a thought

gosh i barely even remember him and that’s so awful. like the day i found out he died, we all posted about it and so my memories are only the ones i wrote down in that post. they were nice memories, but i hate that my brain has deleted so much of my life

anyway can’t believe it’s been 5 years!

i think about him a lot, actually. not all the time, but more than i would expect

one thing i thought about this week was how traumatizing finding out was. because we all found out through a mass email to the entire campus. heartbreaking, probably the worst way to find out. i don’t really blame the school for that or anything, it’s not like they have a roster of all your connections or anything lol. but that doesn’t make it any less sucky

i remember i was texting a friend and maybe she was the one to read the email first? but either way i remember us being like, hold on, are we reading this correctly? our friend had a decently common name, so on a large campus, could there have been someone else with his name? but no. he was ours.

i remember i was in the dining hall getting food right before work. i was in shock. i don’t remember if i cried then and there, but i definitely cried at work. i don’t really know why i didn;t just not go to work. probably i didn’t even know who i would talk to about it. besides, what else was i supposed to do? it’s not like there was a guide to how to react when you find out your friend is dead via campus email.

i remember walking to my dorm after my shift. for some reason i worked on the opposite side of campus than i lived lol. i was probably cold and tired and dirty and wet from working in the dish room. i was listening to music as i walked. as i walked up the steep hill (almost home!), the song lifegoeson by noah and the whale came on shuffle. there’s a verse about the singer’s “last night on earth” and having no regrets or something. and wow i think i probably just bawled right then and there knowing that it had literally been my friend’s last night on earth the night or 2 before. 

when you looked at his twitter, that night (or sometime in the days before), he had retweeted a bunch of tweets saying “i could really use a hug right now.” i don’t think i had seen it at the time, like i don’t think i used twitter every day or anything. but to look back at that is so stinging. like, one of those cliche moments wondering if you could go back into the past and change something. like if i had seen that and reached out to him, would he still be alive today? and really who knows. and who knows, maybe other friends DID see, and DID reach out. it’s not really something i spend a lot of time guilting over or anything. but it still is really something to look back at, the cries for help immortalized on the internet. 

his twitter account was later hacked and became like a porn bot account which was also just devastating. luckily i think those tweets got deleted, but the profile picture and the bio still remain. and his old tweets too, like i said. 

there’s also a message he sent me a few months before he died inviting me to a party, which was so kind. and literally the day before he died, he sent me a cat video. or maybe it was the night he died. the link is dead now, so i don’t remember what the video was. there’s no response. i don’t know if i ignored it or if i just didn’t check twitter. 

maybe he was trying to comfort us through his death. in retrospect, i guess i really was a friend if i was one of the people he reached out to in those final hours

his death was right before finals too. which meant we were all totally fucked, i was already tanking a lot of my classes as it already was. i ended up taking an incomplete in one and finishing the next semester. i am sure many of my friends were in similar boats. the friend who passed was actually about to graduate. he was 24. i must’ve been 19 at the time, almost 20. he seemed so much older. i am 24 now, so lol.

the reason i was struggling so much before this was that  my cat had died about a month prior. he was my entire world. 

i couldn’t imagine life without my cat. i can’t remember when i started feeling suicidal myself, but my friend’s death definitely exacerbated that feeling. i think i felt like he beat me to it. and i didn’t want people to think i was a copy cat either. but every time i cut through the fine arts center i’d stand and look over the edge and wonder if it was high enough. i really don’t think it was LOL. but i was in so much pain.

what helped was my advisor slash professor. i had emailed all my professors about the deaths just to give them a heads up if i was missing class or assignments or whatever. and i remember i typed something like sorry, i am just having a really shitty semester. and she replied and was like yeah no that’s an understatement. and she invited me to like hang out and chat and eat donuts and i felt super awkward and anxious about the whole thing but she was so kind and helped me get through some of the professor issues i was having. plus the donut. that ended up really jumpstarting our relationship and she was so important to my college career. 

i knew another person from that same group who also died. i was not as close to her, but was of course still sad to hear of her passing. and it really speaks to how trauma can kill you, i think. most college groups do not lose two people. while they are still in college. there’s a photo of us from a house party and it’s weird that there’s i don’t know 10, 15, 20 people in the photo and 2 of them are dead.

these are things that i haven’t told anybody. because who could i tell?

like i could talk about my friend with our mutual friends, and we did right after he passed and stuff but like at some point that ends. and then i’m not really in close contact with any of them anymore. i would be happy to talk to any of them, don’t get me wrong, but i’m not about to contact these people out of the blue.

and anyone who didn’t know him wouldn’t know

and my cat too. i feel like that’s not as shareable of a grief. like society says that’s just a cat. and it was only a month after losing him that i lost my friend, so i was still grieving my cat when it happened. but now my friends all had their own grief and i didn’t want to divert the focus on my friend to be like hi i also am sad about my cat? that seems weird. the word that came to mind was selfish, and i don’t think that’s the correct word in this context. but it does just feel inappropriate.

then to go home at the end of the semester to an unsupportive household while weighted down by two huge deaths. i think i told my mom i wasn’t going to talk to her about my friend (what could i really say anyway). idk she’s the last place i would go for comfort.

and she made grieving the cat horrible. i don’t remember but i think she made it all about her somehow. like how she found the body and bla bla bla. i don’t remember.

the grief of both of these deaths has been bottled for 5 years.

something else i remembered: they set up group counseling for me and my friends. and so i went. i wasn’t too keen on counseling, but i think i was just in shock still and figured it would be good for me. and good to be with friends, whether for my sake or theirs.

so it was run by this lady. this horrible lady. the lady who sent me to the hospital for no fucking reason. so i was like holy fucking shit!!! but once again i think i was kinda in shock, like wtf was i supposed to do, just walk out and make a scene? so i sat there. and she sucked lol. i smiled at one point. i have no idea why i smiled. it was unconcious. maybe i remembered a happy memory, maybe it was just a nervous response who fucking knows. either way she called me out on it and was like why are you smiling? now i think it is rude in general to just call someone out like that LOL but this just so happened to be a very specific trigger of mine from high school days. so i think i literally ran out of the room. one of my friends followed me and talked with me out in the staircase. i know i didn’t go back, but i can’t remember if my friend went back or not. i think i felt bad having her comfort me over some dumb thing, instead of getting counseling herself, but she was definitely like nah that lady sucks. someone i think said the lady made a comment about me leaving too. idk. anyway she’s an ass.

unrelated, kinda, this lady taught the intro to social work class which i really wanted to take but i was like hell NO. luckily one semester they got someone else to teach it. it sucked in a totally different way LOL. 

[velcro-rave]

post-emoji movie Trauma

WARNING: the following text contains spoilers and can be considered disturbing to some readers. especially my brain, because it’s leaking out my ears after typing this.

This is the first movie ever I’ve gone to see on opening night. And let me just say that, for the record, I’m glad I went to watch with friends. Without them, I would have most likely calmly exited the room, climbed up to the roof, and dived straight off.

I’m honestly fucking terrified of how much this shitty movie has pushed me to the edge. I’ve never felt more ANGRY in my life and at the same time wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. This is so fucked up. What made it possible for this level of psychological warfare to be used so casually by Sony? Why did they decide this was ever a good idea to present to the public? I’m still shaking (and not from the overpriced Coca-Cola I was sold). Whether it’s out of rage or fear, I don’t know. Not even throwing myself into the deep fires of hell can attempt to restore the intrinsic warmth I felt before I witnessed this crime of a movie. They say that there’s a special place reserved below for people who cause enough pain to humanity, and it is at this point where I pose this question to the following:

Tony Leondis. Eric Siegel. Mike White. Michelle Raimo Kouyate.

Why?

Did you want this to happen to me? Was this the plan all along? To destroy everything you could possibly love in the process of creating this film, to make the audience suffer without any remorse? You got PATRICK FUCKING STEWART as a voice actor, and what is it you do?

Yeah, you make him play A WALKING PILE OF SHIT!!!!

Someone could’ve ran up to me after I left the theater, put a shotgun directly up to my forehead, pulled the trigger, and that would have still not come close to how much my mind had been blown at the shocking reality that this movie, this spawn, could exist in the known universe and continue to be shown to innocent people. There were kids there. Hopeful, happy, young kids with iPhones who thought it was a great idea to head off to the movies and watch a funny relatable movie about emojis without a care in the world. Communicating ideas without the use of words is the “staple” of their generation, as the movie so proudly portrays (even comparing it to ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics!), and there’s no reason a family shouldn’t agree to bring their children to this beautiful, heartwarming adventure, right? WRONG.

Nothing could have prepared me for the horrific amount of groan-worthy jokes this movie tossed out. I’ve been wracking my brain for an entire hour trying to remember the most potent ones, but they were so easily forgettable that I can only recall a few offhand. They were tragic. Whenever an opportunity for a shitty pun showed itself, you can bet your ass the writers took it and ran with it to lengths beyond the realms of humor. From the character known as Hi-5′s nonchalant Bye Felicia! to his two puns about snapping (as if one wasn’t enough), I wanted to get up and scream at the ceiling in the hopes that my cries of agony would disrupt the structural integrity of the building and have it fall on top of me, finally freeing me from the slow-cooker of torture that is The Emoji Movie.

At a certain point, Hi-5 (by the way James Corden, I thought you were cool. I thought you were here for us, for all of us as an entertainer, but you just had to take part in ruining me and the world as we know it by accepting this role. I will never forgive you.) mentions something about his heart beating. His… heart? This walking, talking hand has a heart? Does he have lungs? What other internal organs could fit in there and be capable of being slapped around constantly as a result of his stupid ass decisions? Why doesn’t he have arms like Gene or Jailbreak, does his body somehow take into account that he’s already a living appendage? This movie is making me sit and contemplate the anatomy of a fucking animated HAND, and that’s not even as preposterous as a thought can get while watching.

On multiple occasions throughout my viewing experience, I had to take a break to just lean back and sigh, both in anguish of what was happening onscreen as well as the sheer exhausting aspect of it all. The voice acting couldn’t have been more unreliable. Every other line it was a gamble between it being a poorly executed pun delivered so flatly that not even the 4-year old up front let out a little giggle, an obvious statement about what they’re planning to do next, or the most unremarkable snippet of backstory ever revealed. I’m sure all those scenes between Gene and Jailbreak where they gaze at each other were meant to be construed as romantic, but her blasé response to each of his approaches because she “isn’t some princess waiting for her prince” or how “women are deserving of more respect” completely knocked the mood off whatever pedestal it was stepping up to. I get it, these are actual important themes that need to be recognized, and I would be more than happy to see this acknowledged in a movie built on as many metaphors as Zootopia, but the timing of her commentary was the worst I’d ever seen. The constant interruptions made it seem like her words shouldn’t be taken seriously at all!

Unsurprisingly, character background was virtually (unintentional pun. I’m incredibly sorry.) nonexistent, and everything that’s possible to be wondered about the universe could pretty much be answered with a big shrug. For example, why does Hi-5 have a band-aid? Did he get stabbed or something? When did Gene begin to show signs that he was capable of other emotions? Was the Just Dance girl deleted after the trash bin emptied itself out? We didn’t see any signs of the characters going back for her after Hi-5 had to shake off the troll, so did they just leave her there to die? If Jailbreak had been working for a long time to get out, why didn’t she use more of her hacking skills? She pulled up her hologram window things maybe three times total to escape or hide somewhere, does she seriously not have anything else in her repertoire that could potentially help Gene and Hi-5 get to where they need to be quicker? There’s so many questions that don’t even get passively explained. Then again, I’m arguing against the same people who genuinely advocated for the setting to be called Textopolis.

AND WHOSE FUCKING IDEA WAS IT TO MAKE THE MAIN CHARACTER “MEH”??

The ONE emoji with zero interesting qualities and the most monotone parents that, for some fucking batshit insane reason, were given more than the minute of screentime they deserved. I understand for a quick gag, their emotionless response to everything could be funny, but their conversations would just stretch on and on and on. As for Gene, I trusted you, T.J. Miller. I can’t believe you betrayed me, especially after such a hilariously perfect role in Deadpool. Never in my life have I felt so disappointed in a single person. There is no justifiable reason for you to be proud of what you’ve done here. To be honest, I’m pretty sure I astral projected at least three times as I struggled to repress the memory of this trainwreck before it even ended. When I wasn’t desperately clawing at the armrests mid-convulsion, I was staring vacantly at the center of the screen, wondering how this week could have gone so wrong.

This was basically a 91-minute long advertisement. The whiplash of traveling between product placement to product placement nearly made me throw up, which was ostensibly the only thing that could’ve made this worse. Dropbox, Spotify, Candy Crush, Just Dance, YouTube, Facebook, and the almighty Twitter, I hope you’re happy with what you’ve wrought. The “emoji-pop” dance assaulted my eyes so suddenly, acting as the unnecessary cherry on top of the feel-good ending; I think that’s when I officially lost all hope in enjoying the rest of my night.

It’s honestly taking every ounce of my being to hold onto the little bit of life that I have after the Emoji Movie ripped my soul to shreds. The amount of violation I felt as my ears were subjected to endless pop culture references that were relevant years ago, nightmarish depictions of the content of each app on Alex’s phone, and the fact that the god damn Eggplant was in the Unused Emojis room when everyone knows that’s not the case is indescribable. I now have to live with the fact that every time I switch keyboards on my phone, those blank yellow faces will serve as a dark reminder of what I’ve gone through. To any of you reading this that have also watched The Emoji Movie, I am so sorry. I know how difficult it is to process. My recommendation to each and every one of you who haven’t had the chance to witness this sickening spectacle is to KEEP IT THAT WAY. Don’t give in to the peer pressure; this abomination parading itself around as an endearing motion picture will wholly and truly rattle you to the core. My only solace was the complete absence of dabbing or whipping (apart from hearing the song), and I’d like to thank every deity above and below for that small act of mercy.

Here’s to you, Sony. Thanks for ensuring that I not only sink deeper into my depression, but for forcing my mind to house the images I’ve seen today for as long as I live. I wish I could physically bring myself to chuck my phone in a garbage fire, but my entire body has gone numb. Here’s to you, and to all the writers, producers, and directors of this movie that made me sit in a corner pondering how I can possibly live in a future where this monstrosity exists.

Gravely, sincerely,

fuck you, and goodnight.

🖕

[againstthegrainphoto]

...too booked to be bothered...

....I might be a little overwhelmed right now...

...with all the work and photos and holidays and shit that’s going on.....

.....but I”ve been holding in so much word vomit, I really need to puke.

so unfortunately due to the fact that facebook is full of people who would judge me and tell me I am wrong and a horrible person and a victim shammer and racist and god knows whatever else after I get these thoughts out....you get them here tumblr! Call me whatever you want.....I couldn’t care less.

tumblr: where I hide nothing and am actually the most real to myself than any other god forsaken social media. I mean how well can you even know someone by their social media though? fucking ridiculous.

So sit down. buckle up. this is going to be an extremely long one, spanning many issues.

First off. I my uncle died on friday. I’ve been silent on the issue. Is it bad I mourn for my mom and his might as well be wife? Not so much him. He spent his life ruining it with drinking and smoking and bad choices that negatively affected those around him. He waited until he couldn’t talk before going to get a fucking TUMOR even assessed by a doctor. and didn’t even sign himself up for medicare until his brother basically did it for him after the “discovery” of the tumor. What do you mean he had throat cancer? I thought 60 years of smoking is good for you?!?!*shock* My heart breaks for my mom and his wife(ish). I am really worried that the wife(ish) is going to be like “well he gave up, so i might as well too”.....like even if it’s not a conscious thought or decision....maybe especially if its not. ya know? the whole situation just sucks.

People are so shitty to each other. So shitty. Like, I’m a not-really-participating-member of the “beauty community” or whatever you want to call it. But I am a fairly large consumer of the beauty world. I have a fucking addiction to makeup. I love it. I want it. I collect it. I spend way too much money on it. I buy it for my friends. I buy it for me. I buy it for my family. And I like to keep up on the front cutting edge of what’s happening and what’s new and what’s available and what is the very best product. I also can’t afford to purchase every high end makeup release, but I do like watching and hearing others opinions about them. It’s just sad to see that the more widely viewed/available/posting reviewers are such shady, backhanded, backstabbing people. And not just that, but fucking FAKE. their videos and such are so positive and good looking, but if you follow them in any other form they show they are such fake ass drama creating bullshit. not to name names, but I literally cannot stand jacylin hill or laura lee or nikki tutorials and thier fucking boring ass makeup and annoying high school personalities....yet they have their own fucking palettes? how are these people the ones that get their fucking name on the make up?? why don’t companies choose people with an ounce of creativity?!??! I’m not saying I love and adore jeffree star....but goddamn he makes cool original and creative products. I also am not a fan of kat von d......but if you make a fucking stunning product...I will buy it. (re: saint/sinner palette.......so far worth every penny....i love it....and really if you do the math you’re paying like $2.60 per shadow in that thing.....totally better than the serpentina palette I talk shit about every chance I get...).....Seeing them as so annoying makes watching their videos close to impossible because you develop such a hatred for them and who they are.

This halloween I had such a hard time stomaching all the bullshit that was being passed around regarding children’s costumes. In my mind I really do think that there is a line...and it’s not THAT gray.....between being disrespectful to a culture (ie “cultural appropriation”) and having an appreciation of a culture. Example: I shared an article about a Chilkat robe that was returned to alaska. I do not believe that having it hung in their house was WRONG. and I feel like I should have clarified this when I shared the article instead of just saying that I appreciated it. What I really appreciated was that an ORIGINAL FUCKING ARTIFACT was returned to its origin to be kept and studied and passed on for the heritage. Hanging native alaskan art I do not believe is wrong. FYI THEY FUCKING SELL IT. YOU CAN PURCHASE IT WHEN YOU GO THERE. THE NATIVE ARTISTS MAKE MONEY THIS WAY. THEY WANT YOU TO BUY IT AND HANG IT ON YOUR FUCKING WALLS. Hanging native american art in your house and admiring it’s beauty IS NOT FUCKING CULTURAL APPROPRIATION. Now what I do believe is not so great would be emphasizing things of a culture that are cliche or negative. Like dressing up as say like a Muslim terrorist for halloween.....That I believe is wrong. Most Muslims are not terrorists........you dressing up as that for halloween is not appreciating their culture...it’s you being part of the problem by promoting the idea that terrorists are Muslim and Muslims are terrorists......but your child wanting to dress up as Mulan or...what was it this year? Moana? right? like there was press about making sure your fucking 6 year old isn’t allowed to dress up as her. I do not think that is not cultural appropriation. The only reason why they would want to dress up like this is because they think this character is the greatest thing ever and want to be them. That is appreciation. And most likely they have zero regard for what color their hero’s skin is. It’s so horrible for a white little girl to want to be Pocahontas or Mulan but how many little not-white little girls wanted to be Ariel or Belle? or Aurora? AND STILL DO TO THIS DAY? no one talks about them? They should not be limited to only wanting to be the princess of their own skin color!! none of the children should. That’s how you fucking START racism is it not?? Jesus christ. I maybe pale as fuck......but just for the record I am a papered and registered native. Like I literally carry a card and have multiple certificates certifying that I am native. Like there is question to even whether or not “eskimo” is a negative slur now apparently. But that’s what my goddamn papers say I am. God I’m just so over all this “cultural appropriation” bullshit we are inundated with every goddamn day. We are all fucking humans. Let us (and children especially) appreciate what we personally like.

Moving on in this word spewing of views that I’m sure some of you don’t agree with.

Fucking sexual assault. Another thing I am so goddamn over right now. Does it need to stop? Fucking yes it does. Some of the things coming out of the woodwork are absolutely appalling. But the problem lies with.....well...THE LIES. Just like a dude is totally capable of sexually assaulting a girl....a girl is totally capable...if not even more capable...of lying about a dude assaulting her. And regarding this within the music scene.....Is there ARE groupies. There are tons and tons of fucking crazy fans out there. I’ve seen them with my own eyes. They’ve left weird comments on my own photos. And that’s partially the problem is that we believe an half crazed girl who says “*insert any talented hack with a bit of fame behind their name here* sexually assaulted me!!!” over any other facts. And if we don’t believe her we are “victim shaming”....Unfortunately, I have seen those that are crazy enough to say something like this to get a bit of fame. I have seen the girl who vaguebooks every goddamn day. I have seen the girl who fucks her way up the social ladder.....it’s only a matter of time before she’ll start claiming “abuse”. Do I think every case is fame fueled, career damaging, revenge for not paying attention to a fan, bat shit crazy bitch claiming sexual assault?....no. not at all. There are fucking disgusting dudes out there making music and have been proven time and time again that they are exactly what they are shown to be: sexual predators. I’m not going to name names.....but I know a couple names that come to the top of my mind. One never had my support......I mean you just can NOT have a target audience with an average age of 12 and have lyrics about “liking it better on the floor” and “make you wanna fuck all night” and “she sucks me till it snows, i’ll fuck her face so hard”.....I”M SORRY. NO. I’m getting pissed off just looking up these fucking horrible lyrics. fucking talentless joke of a human being. I also personally witnessed this person show his full ass to a crowd of fucking 12 year olds. Pretty sure that’s frowned upon and why the spd were out by his bus after the show. Of course....obviously....nothing serious came of it and it was swept under the rug. The other....just makes me sad. His own words were his own conviction. Calling out and berating girls while confessing his less than innocent relations with them in a public form seen by thousands. girl. bye.  So it’s totally not that sexual assault doesn’t happen in the music scene.....but I’ve literally seen more fucking batshit crazy bitches than I have seen sexual preditors. I just feel like no one takes an objective view of it??? it’s all “SHE WAS ASSAULTED!!!! HE DESERVES HIS CAREER RUINED AND DEATH!!!”....no one is listening to the accused in these cases. it’s all a fucking head hunt......I’m seriously concerned for the band decapitation. they’ve been stuck out of their home country for months now. their band is ruined. their reputations are ruined. and unless they ACTUALLY fucking gang raped this spokane girl......well...their lives as they know it are over regardless.....if they actually did rape her then their lives are actually over and they get what they deserve.....BUT so much inconsistencies???....and one of the girls was pulled over for dui?....and is it really going to boil down to whether or not the girl gave consent?....I mean who can be the judge of that??? it’s all going to be on her word.....and she has a documented history of providing false information to the police before??.....christ....what a shitshow......so far the only musician that I can 100% back up the ruining of his career and his death is ian watkins from lostprophets. that dude can die and then fucking rot in purgatory....hell is too good for him.

moving on.

My local scene. my peeps. muh regulars. The division amongst them the past few months has been sad to me. The solidarity that we had a year ago is gone for good. I really don’t think it’s ever coming back. it’s like it got divorced. What’s funny is while I am a part of this group.....I am not TRULY a part of it. even though I consider it my own. I actually have very few friendships within this group, sure I’m facebook “friends” with all these people. But I am more a documenter of this subculture. yeah I look and like and dress the part. yeah I’m at most the events. yeah people are beginning to recognize me without me having ever met them. But but my true real connections are very few. Am I sad about this? no. not at all. I am 120% ok with this. By being someone who is basically outside looking in.......I can see things perhaps others don’t see. Some of the most “popular” people in this crowd........they are not the most beautiful people. And this has nothing to do with appearance. We are goth. We are all beautiful on the outside. But that just means I will avoid them. Basically if I avoid you.....that means I see you as a either negative input in my life and I don’t want it or I am unsure of how you feel about me. If I make an effort to spend time with you....that means I see you as a positive energy and I’ll take all I can get. lol. Honestly though. it’s like the cool photographer’s club.....the same people. at the same shows. every time. I don’t need it. I don’t need others approval. I don’t take photos for others. I take photos for me. if others enjoy them. that’s cool. But they’re for me. it’s like my image journal and/or catalogue of all the cool shit i’ve seen in my life. all the songs i’ve heard. My boss was all “I went to a concert once”......I’m like.....I’ve been to four in the past week and I’m drowning in photos. I think it’s bullshit to do free photos for national touring artists then charge the locals to even take photos. that’s being part of the problem. What new good bands are there? Everything happening right now is shit from the mid 2000s if not earlier. in the past like 18 months or so i’ve seen genitorturers, my life with the thrill kill kult, lords of acid, combichrist, christian death, incubus, jimmy eat world, wednesday 13, pig, orgy/julien k, iron maiden, gwar, vertical horizon, everclear, fastball, sabaton, eve 6, vanessa carlton, john 5, dope, lordi, powerman5000, pretty boy floyd, buckcherry, sebastian bach, opeth, faster pussycat, marilyn manson, slipknot, korn, rob zombie, 16 volt, tim skold, filter......HONESTLY the only newcomer with any staying power is fucking GHOST. which is why I’m even on this godforsaken site. Also in this moment might *MIGHT* have staying power....their show is pretty goddamn epic. It’s just not my thing though. I’m not into it. I mean....not gonna lie.....I liked the beautiful tragedy album.....when they played live they had screens with their logo on it and she was in a little yellow sundress and converse sneakers. Let me know if you want to see those photos. lolz. I laugh at those who photo for likes on facebook or instagram. it must be such a sad existence. A cool photog i’ve connected with recently is photoslavery...look her up......we have a lot of the same views on things and it’s refreshing to find another photog doing it for the fucking ART of doing it. also we use a similar arsenal of tricks.....which is funny......cause it’s a pretty unpopular/unknown?(doubtful)/unappreciated set up. But I obviously don’t listen to what’s known and popular. I heard a phrase the other day that just resonated with me....”too booked to be bothered”.....THAT IS ME. lol. I do not have time to be bothered by trivial things from irrelevant sources....

well I’ve been typing for ages. and I feel a bit better after I’ve vomited all this out. it’s been a rough few weeks.

[nightcoremoon]

tw: drugs

well, after the stressful family gathering where thankfully nothing happened (except I ate a lot of bulgogi, fried rice, and handmade egg rolls, and continue to pretend to be a cis man in front of a bunch of transphobes) I went to go hang out with my sister, our cousin, and some of their friends at a park about half an hour from my house, and they were all super supportive of me (and really liked me for me) and they had some marijuana and I tried some. for the first time in my life. I made a mistake. "triple inhale" is what my sister said that I did, and I held it in my lungs for like a full fifteen seconds. when I breathed it all out I went from "oh hey I feel no difference" to literally hacking my lungs out, crying from choking, & spitting at least a pint of saliva, in the time it took to pass. and then I felt fucking fantastic for several long minutes that felt like an hour. I ended up on the ground somehow, unable to even force myself to think negative thoughts. I got helped back up to the bench and felt a little more clear-headed, but was unable to form any coherent sentences. and then I hit again. way less inhale this time and way less smoke, and way less coughing. I felt really nice for a while, just sitting down and listening to the conversations going around me. one of the friends I hadn't met before and after a somewhat ill-thought-out comment on my part about being envious of girls with breasts, I ended up coming out to her and the other girl, who I met last weekend but didn't really talk to because she was super high. the girl I just met and I really clicked and we ended up cuddling on the bench for what seems like another hour... a bit after I broke down crying due to my whole issue with physical contact. anyone who hasn't religiously followed all of my posts (probably like 99% of my followers basically, lmao; no salt, just true ;) should probably know that I had sort of a breakdown recently over how touch-starved I am and how I really wanted somebody who I could hug and cuddle with after such a long time of not having touched anybody who wasn't in my immediate family [and those hugs don't have the kind of intense pressure my autistic ass wants and needs]. so basically I really really needed this tonight. I like this girl. not as in like a /like like/ as in a crush but as in I'm glad I met her because she's really cool. but she's also really cute too. so I'd definitely like to see her and talk to her again and luckily I exchanged facebook information with her so I'll message her tomorrow at a sane and rational hour. I hope she wasn't put off by my... well, anything. I don't know what kind of shit I overshared while high. which was great, by the way. and don't worry, I was safe, and it all passed by the time I got back behind the wheel. but like. when I was being introduced to her by my sister and my cousin's friend who I already knew, all they were focusing on had to do with her sex life. a) as if that's my business, and b) as if having sex, whatever amount, would get in the way of my being friends with her, & c) that's like really super slut-shaming and a huge violation of her privacy. they didn't tell me anything about her personality. which is a real shame because from what I gathered about her she is incredibly respectful of personal boundaries (I offered to shake her hand in greeting and she responded with "i'd hug you but I don't know if you'd like it" so I was just like "go for it" and we hugged 😊and she didn't ask any weird questions of me, just what cis meant and what pronouns to use and other stuff), she's really open about all her emotions and thoughts, we share a lot of really similar tastes and outlooks, she's got a nice ear for music, some other personal stuff that I'm not gonna write because it's personal, she's really physically affectionate (😍), shes a really nice hugger, and she's really pretty. she'd probably be my long term appearance goals too, if I were black but since I'm not I can still appreciate how aesthetically attractive she is. her hair was really cool but even high I knew not to ask to touch it because that's a thing I've seen bothers a lot of woc, so even though it was just like one of my favorite fallout 3 hairstyles (like the one with the several small ponytails but not that one you're thinking of) and as much as I'd really like to run my fingers though people's hair I wasn't gonna do or say something that could potentially upset her. I just really hope we can continue to mesh so well together in a friendly environment. and though unfortunately the time that we all spent together was cut short by a sudden burst of rain I'm really glad this happened to me tonight. I'm really glad that I met her and that she exists. ☺️ also I think I'm still kinda high. remember kids, if you're gonna smoke weed, make sure that you have a designated driver, a responsible sibling or designated mom friend, and are around some people who know what the fuck they're doing. or you're with your parents or legal guardians. and don't have an internet connection or the ability to blow $20 on shitty Taco Bell burritos at 2 AM. be safe if you experiment with marijuana. also have a water bottle because godDAMN am I thirstier than I was throughout all of high school.

[invisiblenotbroken]

EDS,MCA, POTS, Collect Them All: German Socialized Medicine, Medical Marijuana, UBER WE HAVE AN IDEA FOR YOU: Chronic Illness Serial Podcast

"I had always defined myself by my achievements "  -- Karina

I have made choice of not doing just one or even two posts of a diagnosis (you might remember my interview). The reason is that each of us have a different experiance with our disorders and I want to show how wildly different stories can be even when they live under the same diagnosis. OK, off my soap box I have you really enjoy hear from Karina and hearing about her journey. You will learn so much from pain medication guilt, medical, marijuana, the niaviete before chronic illness, and I learned so much about socialized medicine in Germany and the differences with the ACA.

What is your disorder? *

Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and comorbid conditions (spinal instabilities, mast cell activation, small fiber neuropathy, dysautonomia and others) - 15 diagnoses by now.

At what age did your disorder become a daily issue? *

24

Who were you before your illness became debilitating? *

I would say that I was really naive. I thought nothing could ever hurt me. In 2009, I just started my career as a lab technician, moved into my first apartment, and everything was just fine. I was self-confident and a perfectionist. Moreover, I had a 5-year-plan that included marrying, building a house, working for doctors without borders, adopting a child, and many more. Playing volleyball and other sports were my life - I was super competitive and ambitious, which I still am, but in a different way, and other areas.

What would you do if you were not dealing with your invisible illness? *

There is a lot I would do if I were not sick! For example, traveling around the world (parts of the world are just not accessible for me anymore), dancing, bungee jumping, weird sports I cannot do anymore, building up a lab in Africa, learning how to sail, hiking the pacific crest trail. Anyway, I would want to have the knowledge that I gained due to my illness with, because only now can I really appreciate all those things I had when I was healthy.

What would you like people to know about your daily life? *

…that I try very hard to be the best friend I can be. …that I feel horrible every time I have to say the words," I am sorry, I have to cancel." …that there is no such thing as a good day. There are better or worse days, but no more good ones. …that every day brings new challenges. …that even the smallest thing, such as taking a shower, can cause major symptoms. …that even though I might not be working a full-time job, I still am not sitting on my couch and stare holes into the wall. And if I do, it is not my choice, and absolutely not because I am lazy, but because it is the only way to get through the day. …that having a doctors appointment is pretty dramatic for me sometimes, because I made so many bad experiences, but still need my doctors. …that work that is not paid is still valuable and important. …that I do my best to achieve my goals, but the goals are sometimes maybe as simple as getting out of bed in the morning. …that I do not need any special treatment. I do not expect anything, and I do not set rules how I want to be treated. I do not feel offended by things like "I pray for you" or "Get better soon“. While I am not very religious, and most likely will not get better, I appreciate any good wish and thought.

What would make living and moving in the world easier for you? *

People that are more tolerant. Let me tell you a story. A couple of weeks ago, I went grocery shopping with my husband on a Sunday, like we always do. I cannot go by myself, because we do not own a car, so someone has to carry 30 pounds of groceries home. Going shopping is kind of a huge activity for me. By the time we finished, we had to take the metro home. It is only two stops, so I managed to stand during the whole time. I was wearing my neck brace, and that was the only obvious sign of my disability. A man standing next to me looked confused to me a couple of times until he said, "Hey, that must hurt, do you want me to ask someone here to get up?"  He was pointing at the disability seats that were already taken. I was super surprised because nobody ever asked me anything like this in San Francisco. Usually, if I sit on those seats reserved for people with disabilities, people tend to give me bad looks when I do not get up for an old lady. But this time someone else asked me if I needed to sit down. If all people were like this guy, my life would be a lot easier. I was moved to tears by his gesture.

Do you have any life hacks? *

What I love most is my Aspen neck brace and my memory foam seat cushion. I am not going anywhere without those two. The latter one literally saves my ass. Other than that, I am sleeping with a u-shaped pregnancy pillow that supports all my joints. I like shoes that go over my ankles, to give me additional support when walking. Pants that sit tight help with proprioception, and compression stockings work well for dysautonomia and stability too. I use other braces for almost all of my joints; and a backpack with support around my hips, so not all the weight is on my back.

What kind of support do you get from family or friends? *

Luckily, I only lost a couple of important people. The majority is still with me. Some friends could not really deal with the "new“ me, and one relationship did not survive my changes. Becoming a butterfly that grows out of a rope is a huge transition, and some loved ones could take it better than others. To be fair, I was not easy to handle - especially in the beginning (2010). I had no idea who I was anymore, so how could other people know? My family and friends support me physically, for example drive me to appointments since I cannot drive by myself; they pick me up if we want to have a coffee together; and they also support me mentally if I had a bad appointment or just a very shitty day.

Would you care to relate the details of what happened when someone didn't believe you were disabled?

That is pretty typical. People tend to judge quickly based on appearance. Not sure why, because every one of us knows how to smile even if we do not feel like smiling. It is not so hard to see below this surface of "I am ok," and to recognize how the person really feels. But that would take some effort, and many people just do not want to get to know the real "me". It affected me in a very negative way. Sometimes I would not go outside even though I had a better day, because I worried that I would meet people that could assume that I am healthy. I felt like I was proving them right if I left my house and enjoyed the day. At some point I understood that this was just stupid. People assume whatever they want, and they will judge you anyway. It is a waste of your good moments if you do not go out and live your life when you can.

How has your invisible illness affected your relationships? *

I do not think that the invisibility of my condition in particular affected my relationship. My husband is very supportive and my ex broke up with me because we both could not handle my disease during that time. I do not think that anyone close to me has a problem with the invisibility of my illnesses. They know exactly how I feel as soon as they look into my eyes. It is mainly people I do not know that act weird around me. But of course being chronically ill affects any relationship. There are always things to consider, even for the smallest activity, and there is always a problem.

Is there anything you are afraid to tell even the people closest to you? *

I am somehow afraid to tell them that I feel very alone sometimes. They would feel as if I just told them they did not try hard enough to be there for me, but that is not it. The problem is more that, even though everyone is there for me, some days just suck so much that I just feel completely alone on this planet. Also, I am scared like hell to be all alone at some point of my illness, because I really do not know how to survive without the physical support of my family and friends. Another thing I should not even think, and of course not say, is that I am jealous of some of their perfect lives. Of course, they deserve to be happy, and I hate myself for feeling this way occasionally. But sometimes it just hurts to see how my friends can have families and normal lives.

What is your best coping mechanism? *

Writing! Whether I only write for myself, for example in a diary, or in public, I write every minute I feel ok. It became my passion and my sense in life.

What are you the most fearful of and hopeful for in the future? *

Fearful: I fear the moment when my disease will get to a point where I am unable to advocate for myself. Because without this ability, rare disease patients are completely lost. Hopeful: I think the EDS community is doing a great job in raising awareness, and this will hopefully lead to a broader understanding of our condition, more diagnosed patients and then more doctors to treat us.

What is your favorite swear word?

Oh gosh, many. :) I love to swear. Not so much in English, since it is not my first language. My favorite English words: Holy Shit, Fuck it, Holy Fuck. German: Verfickte Scheiße. I am a horrible person.

Learn More About Karina

You could add links to my websites, but I actually do not like to talk too much about my "achievements".

German/English Website and Facebook: Website: www.instabile-halswirbelsaeule.de Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/instabilehalswirbelsaeule German Blog http://www.holy-shit-i-am-sick.de Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/1000GeschichtenchronischkrankerMenschen

My personal story in two books

(German): My way to diagnosis:

My life with EDS:

[wayneooverton]

8 tips for becoming a professional travel blogger

I’m running an exclusive sale this week with Travel Blog Success just for you guys – use promo code FALL35 and save 35% off all their memberships and courses and get an exclusive webinar with me

It’s been almost five years since I quit my job to follow my dreams traveling the world and becoming a full time professional travel blogger. Yes, it’s a thing.

Five years of crazy adventures, heaps of countries, learning new stuff, discovering things about myself, of ups and downs, highs and lows, successes and failures, it goes on and on. Though thankfully, I haven’t failed catastrophically at this whole blogging for a job thing. And let me just tell you, there were plenty of people who were hoping expecting me to fail.

Take that, I am not back home living in my parents attic working at Starbucks! Which to be frank, was a very strong possibility. The world has been saved from a potentially bitter barista full of failed dreams giving thin bitches who order skinny pumpkin spice lattes wholemilk out of pure spite.

But I digress.

In 2012 I had the dream of building my blog into some kind of empire to fund my travels. No, I didn’t want to enter the real world. No, I didn’t want a real job. No, I didn’t want to settle. No, I didn’t want to pay my student loans back. I just wanted to explore. And I figured out a way to make it a reality in a way that let’s me tell stories and be creative.

But what essentially started as very selfish travel goal has slowly evolved over the years into something so much more; I like to think anyways.

Nowadays, travel doesn’t mean as much to me as it used too. I don’t really care about ticking places off a list or all the must-dos, to be honest. Now I’m rather more interested in the experience, the journey, the learnings, than the location. My blog has become my outlet for inspiring other people to chase their dreams too. To look outside convention and not be afraid to dream big, whatever that entails. It’s become a place for me to be creative again and make something meaningful that lasts.

I think everyone has a story to share and should start a blog. For me, blogging is for everyone.

Whether that’s traveling for the first time or going somewhere new to learning a new skill to trying to fix and change the world, for me what started as a self-indulgent journal of my adventures has grown and evolved into something much bigger, perhaps even more self-indulgent and totally different. At least for me.

In 2014, about a year or so after I had been blogging full time, I wrote a post called So you want to be a professional travel blogger, which is still one of my most highly read pieces. In it, I share all my knowledge from years of blogging and open up about how I make a living online.

It’s something a lot of people are curious about. Without fail, when I tell someone I’m a pro travel blogger, 95% of them will immediately ask me how I make money. Man oh man, if they only knew. Literally it’s the same conversation. Depending on my mood, I often now just straight up lie and invent various boring career paths knowing that the conversation will end there. Accounting (hey, I do my accounts), publishing (obviously), project managing (sure), investment broker (ok, what?!).

Because when I do open up and share about my life and work, I can’t do it half-assed. I’m all in. Hold on for the ride.

It’s been a couple of years since I wrote in-depth about building a career as a professional travel blogger, but it’s something I think about all the time. While many of my tips and secrets stay the same over the years, like be consistent and don’t share shitty content, some of my other pointers have taken much longer for me to realize.

I’ve been really involved with the travel industry over the years, and have picked up quite a few tips along the way for going professional and “making it,” whatever that means. My tips for becoming a professional travel blogger aren’t hacks or shortcuts. I’m a big believe in doing the work that is required to build something that lasts, and I’ve seen people over and over again try to jump the gun only to disappear a year later.

Here are my 8 best tips for becoming a professional travel blogger. Enjoy!

Join Travel Blog Success this week and save 35% with my exclusive offer code FALL35

1. Have clear achievable goals

I think most blogs are sloppy. Hell, even I’m sloppy. For any of you who’ve met met me personally, you know I’m literally all over the place. I’m messy. I’ve been called a hurricane. I’m glad you can’t see my desk space as I write this.

Organized chaos guys.

That being said, I have always had relatively clear goals regarding my blog, and I slowly worked at ticking them off over the years, setting the bar higher and higher for myself as time goes by. A tumultuous overachiever if you will.

10 tips for starting a kickass travel blog

Whether that was hitting certain numbers of followers, or developing a channel like Instagram, to organizing a specific project, I’ve always sat down, clearly outlined what I wanted to achieve and figured out how to get there. Funny enough, money has never been part of my goals ever except to earn enough for rent and coffee and to pay my blog costs.

In fact, I’ve hit peak goals – I’ve got an email chain currently with NASA. Like, what?!

2. Find your tribe + join Travel Blog Success

I hate the word tribe; I can’t believe I just wrote that. Community. That’s what I meant. Find a community to help you on your journey.

Listen, I’m an introvert at heart. I hate people. I hate talking to people. I want to be left alone. Mostly. But even I, in my harsh and lonely cynicism, will admit that I would have never gotten where I am today without an amazing community of other travel bloggers who helped me over the years when I needed it and who didn’t bother me when I wanted solitude. I’m grateful.

In addition to my own travel media conference I launched last year in Australia (The Travel Bootcamp), I have only ever been a part of one blogging community – Travel Blog Success. I’ve been a member since 2012. Travel Blog Success is an amazing resource, consisting of two major online courses that teach you everything from how to start and build a blog to going pro with it, along with other courses to help you advance your online business.

Why join Travel Blog Success?

It’s the only really established travel blogging group started and filled with genuinely good people. It’s really open and everyone is really supportive asking questions and getting good answers. There is a secret Facebook group where everyone asks everything, creating good dialogue, and perks and job offers that often pop up. While I joined 5 years ago, I didn’t actually go through and do the courses then, which I wish I had because it would have saved me years of trial and error.

And I’m still learning new things. TBS just helped me last month about setting up new adshare opportunities here I would have never known otherwise. Most of the major travel bloggers are in and participate in the Facebook group; it’s the only group I participate in, and it’s been instrumental in my growth and success. It taught me everything I needed to know, introduced me to key people, and I ran with it.

Also this week I’m running my own exclusive sale with Travel Blog Success just for you guys to join if you’re looking to start a blog or go pro with your blog. It is so difficult to try and make it on your own. I’m offering an exclusive 35% discount on all their courses and memberships til Friday October 20th midnight EST – use PROMO CODE FALL35 at checkout. And you’ll also get access to an upcoming exclusive webinar with me where you can ask me anything (within reason).

3. Think outside the box

It is so easy to copy what other people doing, especially successful people, but that will only get you so far. There are hundreds of millions of blogs in existence today. If you want to be in it for the long haul, and be a serious professional travel blogger, you have got to stand out.

And you will never stand out if you do what every one else is doing. Obviously.

Figure out your point of difference and run with it. And it can’t be bird stuff or getting hate mail, that’s mine.

4. Diversify what you do

Would you believe me if I told you that my blog earns me into the six figures, something I never thought was possible. I went pro solely in the hopes I could pay for my travels, and now it’s gone so much further than I could have ever imagined.

If you think the only way to make money as a travel blogger is through advertising and affiliates, you’re not thinking outside the box. The ways I earn really vary, and I’m always trying new things. My work through my blog has been anything from location scouting New Zealand to hosting my own tours to launching my own events. But if I’ve learned one thing in this industry as a professional travel blogger, it’s that it’s really important to diversify both your content and your revenue streams.

Don’t just focus on one social media platform either. When I started this blog, all that matter was Facebook and Twitter. Quickly that changed to Instagram and who knows where we will be in another 5 years. I’ve made sure that I’ve built a strong solid presence both on different social media platforms but also running my own column on Stuff.co.nz, New Zealand’s biggest newspaper and writing, creating and consulting for others too.

Try new things, and don’t put all your eggs into one basket.

5. Tell a damn good story

It blows my mind that the stuff people are creating online these days are both simultaneously amazing and shit. Literally most of the blogs I see online are terrible. Even the really famous ones. Perhaps I’m being judgmental here, especially when I know for a fact there are a whole lot of people who hate my guts out there, but still. Why can’t everyone be like me?

Jokes, I jest I jest. Please don’t be like me. The world would implode.

What I’m trying to say is I would like to fight for the value of a truly good tale. Storytelling is incredibly important in digital media these days. We crave good stories and we don’t always get them.

If you can craft a good story, in any way you can, you will do well. And I don’t mean just being a good writer, I mean in terms of what you make. Whether that’s through photos, videos, art, words, whatever medium you want, storytelling is a powerful and important tool to have if you want to be a professional travel blogger.

And don’t get caught up on making it perfect. I think actually that shiny polished content doesn’t matter as much as a rock solid story. Look at Casey Neistat. His vlogs are intentionally a bit messy. He’s all over the place, you see him adjust exposure on his camera. It’s not refined at all. But he’s a great personality, a great storytelling and a damn good editor, that’s what matters more.

6. Hustle til it hurts

No one is going to hand you anything if you’re trying to be a professional travel blogger. You have to work for it. You’ll never stop working for it. It doesn’t get easier. You have to hustle to make shit happen, like with all things in life.

I can’t even begin to express just how difficult and hard this is. It’s stressful and exhausting but worth it.

I send out huge proposals almost daily. I am always on the phone with potential new clients. I chase up people I might want to work with. I make an effort to meet people face to face. I make people say no to me three times before I give up, and even then I don’t always. But I always try to do it in a nice, polite way, and I spend a long time building relationships with people before I pitch or ask for anything. Don’t be thirsty.

Hustle and don’t be afraid to go after what you want, but be genuine and don’t be a dick about it.

How to get paid to travel the world

7. Be memorable

Self-explanatory.

8. Mistakes and failures are lessons

Don’t be afraid to take risks or to fail. In all aspects of your life.

Success only comes after hardships and screw ups. But if you play it safe, and have a boring, average blog, it’ll be very hard to go professional nowadays. Dedicate a lot of time into coming up with creative things, projects and strategies that could launch your brand into going pro. And well, if oyu screw up on the way, no big deal. Everyone has the attention span of a toddler these days, and they’ll have forgotten it in a week and you’ll likely have learned something very valuable.

This is the most important thing I’ve learned with my blog, and it’s one of my greatest tips to give to people. This is a fucking hard industry to break into. But if you are willing to jump in feet first, be open minded about opportunities, be creative with your work and above all, be willing to take risks with what you do, you are setting yourself up for success.

Do you have a blog? Link below and I’ll add them to my list to read. Are you interested in becoming a professional travel blogger? What’s your dream job? Share!

Join Travel Blog Success this week and save 35% with my exclusive offer code FALL35 and access my free webinar

*This offer ends at 12am EST Saturday, Oct 21, 2017 or October 21st, 5pm New Zealand time. Webinar date and time TBA. 

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