#and also part of me feels strongly that the funny goofy guy act is at times really just an act

[daily-hanamura]

recently got to the whole "let's throw namatame into the tv" scene in my rewatch of p4a and it's like. holy shit yosuke was just so ready to kill. hands down. is he okay. does... does he need someone to talk to??? why is this poor boy filled with so much insatiable bloodlust, atlus

AHHHH I WATCHED THAT SCENE YESTERDAY TOO YOSUKE went so hard there, like damn son look at his fury!!! I feel like the anime did such a great job at capturing yosuke's sensitivity towards the injustice that happened to saki and nanako and how he flinches everytime it's brought up, and it really helped contextualise his reaction in that scene.

I also really liked how after Yu talks him down Yosuke says something like how he'll always be watching, anytime anywhere (unfortunately I don't have a screenshot of that and my safe file is too far from that date so)

It's interesting because it's also something that sticks - in p4au when Adachi shows up again and people around them are in danger, Yosuke is immediately on the offensive, charging forward without thinking.

I think it's one of those things about Yosuke that's very well written and something I adore. As a character strength, Yosuke is extremely protective of the people around him - he looks out for his friends and makes sure they're okay, buys them food to keep them happy, etc. One of my favourite lines from him is when you add him to the party and he says this:

But this is also a strength that when flipped as a flaw is one of overprotectiveness. He becomes reckless and forgets to think rationally, so he throws himself in front of danger without flinching because he wants to keep others safe. It makes him behave recklessly because he's single mindedly focused on getting justice for those who were wronged or for preventing any more harm being done, without any consideration for potential side consequences.

[darthwheezely]

Fredcanons!

Hi Fred Weasley makes me happy so like why not make random headcanons about him? Honestly? Yk? And like this will be the first of many parts I bet, if you want me to do other characters lmk! Anyway, this is gonna be long but honestly I could care less, enjoy fellas

Warnings: diet smut, high calorie diabetes inducing soft Fred, light angst

It’s practically canon at this point but the way this man works with numbers is absolutely insane.

It’s also kind of sexy but I don’t make the rules-

It’s been said before by someone on here that he’s the guy that impresses his dates by being able to automatically calculate tips for dinner dates and the like on the spot, and I adore that so much

Which means, words and abstract concepts can be a bit difficult for our lil ginger golden retriever. As we saw in Order, his handwriting needs a bit of work and so does his grammar - it’s something he’s really self conscious about, too

This boy is obsessed with American baseball

I really don’t know what it is, I think it’s because the men on the diamond hitting a fast flying ball reminds him of Quidditch or maybe it’s the sounds of American girls cheering all of these robust men on-

Regardless, it’s a thing and he loves it, period

Fred finds it horrendously embarrassing, but he had an imaginary friend growing up

Let’s be specific, an imaginary dog. Named Boris.

Molly has basically made it clear enough that raising a large amount of large boys under one roof was kind of like manning an animal shelter already damn molly which led to Fred being hopelessly in despair

So jokes on them, he got his own dog. A big, loud, Australian Shepherd named Boris.

So imagine this lanky five year old like refusing to eat a meal until Boris gets his first and demanding that he takes his own baths because “erm, Boris doesn’t want to bathe with Georgie, mum, he said he smells”

This lead to Fred being told he smells but that’s neither here nor there

Fred had Boris until he was about 7 and then he lost him while playing with the gnomes

This lead Molly to buying Fred and George a goldfish named Boris II: The Return of Boris and they referred to him as that. The whole title. Every time.

Fred was also that kid in middle school (1st-3rd year) that was like lightly obsessed with Canada

“Is it even real?”

“Jesus, Freddie are you even real?”

George stumped him with that one

Freddie became quite the ladies man come 3rd and 4th year, btw

And by ladies man I mean-

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven...-“

“Oh god, no please don’t say it please don’t say it- (George)

“-because I, too, am still recovering from the impact ;)”

All jokes and funny business side, he did start learning girls found him hot shit and honestly?

He didn’t know how to process that.

He’s so used to being the goofy guy or the cute guy from whatever class or just one of the Weasley’s that like-

Him? Attractive?

Well, shit, better start acting like it then huh?

And thus was born the personality we know Fred to have today

Not saying it’s all manufactured, but he definitely isn’t as 100% cocky and impulsive as everyone would like him to be

More often than not, he’s kind of a nervous person. Would he tell anyone that? Absolutely not, he’s got a reputation to uphold

But he’d be lying if he said he hasn’t found himself laying awake at night wondering if his pranks are cool enough, does his mom like them enough, does George think he’s enough

Does he think he’s enough?

Honestly, he battles with this for a lot of his school time basically up until the shop opens and starts running

Because that is time where he does really begin to blossom as a person in every facet

There’s something about walking into the shop and seeing a gaggle of kids know your name and want to be like you and know you that makes him feel like he did something right

But anyway back to Ladies Man Fred Weasley (please I rolled my eyes so hard)

He is an experienced fella in bed, this is also pretty canon

I mean look, he’s got Bill Freaking Weasley as his older brother

Any questions he ever had he asked Bill

“Look, Freddie, they’re gonna want you to find this thing called the clit-“

“I’m sorry the what?”

“The clitoris, Fredward, take note they’ll dump you on sight if you can’t find it.”

“...”

“Bud, that was a joke-“

“*exhales strongly* OH THANK GOD”

He’s also a consent king. Period.

Consent about literally everything when it comes to sex, if y’all have never slept togsther or have a routine of what you do, expect him to be consistent-“

“Is this okay?”

“Am I hurting you, love?”

“Please tell me if something’s wrong, okay?”

Fred’s favorite thing in the goddamn world is kisses

So many kisses

Please lord Jesus hes in need of kisses

Forehead kisses, arm kisses, leg kisses, eyebrow kisses - if it’s on your body and it’s accessible to him, he’ll kiss it I swear

So please do yourself a favor and kiss him. Please

Or I will-

If you use she/her pronouns, expect this boy to be protective af if y’all are friends

Fred is 100% the guy you can feel totally comfortable giving your drink to at parties

He waits by the bathroom to make sure you’re okay too

Basically just an angel that is all

[roxannarambles]

Roxy Rambles About Mystic Messenger (& mostly 707)

So, last year, I saw one of my online friends posting screenshots on their twitter. It looked like some kind of chatroom, but their tweets referred to it as a game, so I got confused and asked them about it. They explained it was actually a phone game-- specifically, a story-focused dating game aimed at a primarily female audience, also known as an otome. 

(click below for full post. Caution: contains major spoilers for Mystic Messenger, as well as opinions. oh gosh. opinions oh no.)

Amused, I downloaded the game just to satiate my curiosity. And what I found was pleasantly more engaging and well-done then I had expected. While I wouldn’t call the writing of Mystic Messenger to be consistently fantastic-- there are ups and downs-- there are definitely plenty of spots that are downright poignant.

There’s a cast of characters to choose from, of course, as these games go, and you can choose to date them one at a time to play out all the endings of the game. First I dated this young college boy who was addicted to gaming, and who had never dated before and was still struggling to adjust to living alone now and being a new adult. His gaming addiction sprung from his depression and general sense of aimlessness at what he wanted to do in life. Honestly, there was a lot to relate to with the character, and I feel like the storyline was, for the most part, thoughtful and maturely handled. 

Next I dated the female character, and much of her storyline and character development was very engaging and even poignant as well. She worked as an assistant for a major company and was deeply overworked and unhappy in her job but felt kind of trapped in it and lacked confidance to break away. You become her friend and confidant and cheer her on and encourage her and she eventually gains the self-knowledge and courage she needs to find her own path in life. Again, so much to relate to and so many great messages there. I genuinely enjoyed it.

There’s certainly some aspects of this game that were not written quite so well; sometimes the drama really went over the top. This is especially the case with Zen’s route where his abusive family was hypercontrolling over his life because he was . . . too beautiful? I found it rather silly. There’s a LOT of abusive family/tragic backstories that went a little over the top in these stories, but I suppose the soap operatic mellodrama is supposed to be part of the appeal.

Despite those weaknesses in the writing, it does not disguise the strengths, and when they shined through, they really shined through; with dialogue that usually felt very natural and on-the-mark and some really great moments.

And then . . . there was 707.

This is the character I ended up liking too much. You can’t even date him until you earn enough of the in-game special currency to unlock his route (or spend real money). He was swathed largely in mystery as a hacker who kept his privacy and a lot of secrets. His presence in the chats mainly consisted of adding a hyper, cheerful, goofy presence, joking about, being good-natured, launching the occasional prank campaign (which at first I perceived as needlessly cruel, but as time went on the tone in which it was intended was further revealed; the same could be said about Jahee saying very nosy and cruel things at times about Yoosung, etc.) and babbling about his passions (which largely consisted of cars, cats, and Dr. Pepper).

And yes, I ended up liking him the best. One of the best things about the game was the phone calls you received from the characters. They were generously long, well-written and well voice-acted. You actually get to know the cast of characters very well that way. When I initially hated Zen because of his narcissism, he called me during other routes and I learned a lot about him that way and found out he was actually a good guy (they just perhaps oversold the narcissism to a ridculous degree at times). Same for Seven—you knew so precious little of him, but his phone calls on other routes revealed just a tad more, giving you a flavor for his presence that transcended the relative lack of information. He especially became involved during the latter part of the story routes, when the action and danger elements of the plot kicked in and he was tasked with trying to keep you safe.

Ahhhh, I don’t know. I’m trying to recall the moment I decided he was the best one, but I can’t. I do remember the way he signed off his phone calls was always charming as heck. At some point I decided I would date the nerd as the last one, because that is how I wished to finish it, as he was my favorite.

I wasn’t entirely stupid, and I caught the hints in the game at a very angsty and dramatic backstory for him. So I knew it wouldn’t be all fun and happytimes, but he was still the best one to me anyway. And it was fun to spend time speculating on his mysteries while dating the others.

Over my winter break I got the Christmas DLC to noodle around with before continuing with the main story, since it ‘twas the season. They let you date anyone in that short little sidestory. I had not selected anyone in particular when I started but it rapidly became obvious there was no way I was going to do anyone but him, as I was too impatient. After that, well, during the main story I was SUPPOSED to do Jumin’s route first. That had been my intent. And I started out that way! But I quickly abandoned it.

Seven, like the others, has things that are easy to relate to. In his case, I found his energy, playfulness and optimism even in the face of darkness to be highly relatable. He was actually very depressed and had seriously negative self-perceptions and had a very painful past. But he was both positive and negative at once. And I know that experience. To be both optimistic and deeply pessimistic; to be both cheerful and playful yet also in so much pain. To like yourself but also to hate yourself quite strongly. It does not make much sense, but you can be both at once, and it has been my case for many years. The playfulness and antics helped Seven to stay bouyed above the ocean of pain, to survive, and I feel at times like that is what keeps me afloat too. We differ in that I tend to gaze directly into the dark pit of my despair far more often than he did, while he tended to do everything he could to pretend it did not exist; yet still, there’s much to relate to and understand.

And there’s much to admire. Because while part of it may be escapism from pain and failing to cope with your sense of sorrow or emptiness, a sheer coping mechanism that is not truly coping, it’s also . . . admirable. Because part of it is truly, genuinely who you are: a happy, optimisitc person, who manages to hold on to some of that spark and cheer and refuses to let it be consumed by the black. You still cling to joy. You don’t forget how to have fun. You are . . . incomplete, but at least you are still fighting, still searching. To keep that spark alive? That is so brave.

And I love him for that, and for his weirdness. He loves the funny and the weird and the wonderful, and he’s imaginiative. Perhaps fantasy and imagination is part of what lets us feed our spark in dark, cold times. He’s creative and incredibly intelligent and talented. He has hobbies and passions (cool ones!). He is kind and generous and giving to others, always there to help them out. There is so much depth and complexity, not just a surface-level cheap phone game drama. And the voice acting, especially, imparts so much sincerity and life.

Plus, he made me a robotic puppy as a gift. If that’s not the coolest, most sweetest, fantastic way to express your love, I don’t know what is.

I had to go through QUITE the dramatic, angst-packed storyline on his route, because the writers of this game tend to go overboard on that, and I never do well with heavy angst. While I did not enjoy the angst, and it was honestly rather difficult and painful to get through, I was willing to stick it out because of how excellent a character Seven is.

I’m not about to claim Mysme is a perfect game. There are some elements I find downright problematic. When I went back later and played Jumin’s route, for example, I found it pretty disturbing; his “good” ending seems to teach the impressionable young people playing this game that it’s okay if a man locks you up in his apartment and refuses to let you leave-- as long as you’re patient and understanding, he’ll eventually change and become a better person. (Guys? This is not OK.) There’s some crap I could get into when discussing Rika as well, but I think you get the idea that the story isn’t always perfect. 

That said, I don’t expect anything to be perfect, and there are a ton of positives to be found in this otome as well. Overall, I really enjoyed the game. I haven’t played any other otomes, but I suspect this one is a cut above the rest. 

In the end, I guess the moral of my story is . . . try out something new. You never know when something really silly ends up being a lot better then expected.

[sweetramenwonho-deactivated]

Let’s just go oldest to youngest with this…I’ll try not to get too in depth (even though I could go paragraphs and novels long ‘cause I honestly love these guys)

Firstly, our leader, Shownu!

The one thing I appreciate about Shownu is his indomitable will and his constant stability. When they say his broad back and shoulders are the most attractive things about him–I see it metaphorically. He carries so much on his shoulders but he still manages to remain cool, calm and confident–giving the members someone to look to when/if they falter. He carries the members on his back and allows all of them to grow as idols. I’m truly grateful that Monsta X is blessed with such a reliable leader.

Now onto my love, Wonho. Oh dear…this could take a minute or a year…

There’s a lot I appreciate about Wonho. But just to name one, I appreciate how much he cares. So many people in this day and age fall into the easier choice of “not giving a damn” or saying “fuck it” when they come across obstacles. But those words will never leave Wonho’s lips. The guy does not give up because his heart is strong and unwavering. His passion and seriousness about what he does is truly inspiring to me. He cares about his members, about us, about music, his family–he just wears his heart on his sleeve. He shows us his vulnerabilities, his weaknesses, his emotions and thoughts. He is not afraid to care about something when others do not. He has strong values/beliefs and he is a true hero!!!

Ok…let me calm down now.

Next is Minhyuk!

One thing I appreciate about the sun Minhyuk, is that he’s always bringing that spiciness to the table. He’s not afraid to be brash or silly. I can tell the other members feed off of his vibe and his outgoing nature–they feel more comfortable if he is. And if he is hyper, then MX is even more hyper! Minhyuk is the best when he’s not overthinking things–such as wondering if a broadcast is going well or not. He’s already a natural for variety shows; he’s very funny and good at talking. I appreciate him speaking his mind and always wanting to make things more interesting–adding his spice to the Monsta X stew and amping it up just a little bit more.

Now Mama Kihyun!

It may be obvious, but I really appreciate Kihyun for always confidently and strongly being our main vocal. He’s so reliable and powerful for being a “teeny guy.” Just imagine having to sing the main chorus and also doing the choreography at the same time. The chorus has to be the strongest part of the song because it’s the main melody. It must be so tiring to sing whole-heartedly while doing the dance moves too. I also want to mention how loving Kihyun is as a person. He’s not called the mom of the group for nothing! I feel like he always has a third eye open for the other members. He’s very good at determining how each of them are feeling individually and then making sure they’re taken care of.

What to say about my boy Chae Hyungwon…

I feel like Hyungwon is always himself all the time. He’s comfortable in his skin and just a cool, laid back guy. The thing I appreciate about him is that whether it’s vlive, a variety show, or interview, Hyungwon is always the same–he’s always a constant. He doesn’t pretend to act like he’s something he’s not. Regardless of people always just looking at him for his handsome face, he acts goofy, makes funny faces, says blunt shit, and is as crazy as the rest of Monsta X. In addition to that, sometimes you just need a member that makes you go…”Hm…I’m really glad you’re here.” Their aura and presence in the room is just always appreciated. And to me, that person is Hyungwon.

Time for Joo honey time yon!

The thing I appreciate about Jooheon is that he’s always doing it 100%. When they’re performing on stage, even when the other members look tired or close to being “done,” Jooheon is always doing it 100%. He always has as much energy and enthusiasm as he did during a first comeback stage. That makes me realize that he really wants to be there on that stage. He really wants to be a rapper and idol. And he really does shine and belong up there. Also, regardless of being so aggressive on stage, he’s so precious and sweet as a person. I appreciate and love that he doesn’t try to maintain some kind of badass persona off-stage and he wants others to see his pure heart and loving personality.

Soooooo Changkyun…

I mean what can I say about this guy! Both Wonho and I appreciate his very existence! But most of all, his personality…he is so down-to-earth and cool. Such a cute maknae but he’s so mature and level-headed at the same time. I appreciate how observant he is. He sees and notices things that people usually don’t. If another member is feeling sad or different than usual, I feel like he’d be the first to notice. And, of course, because he’s so touchy, he would comfort them with a pat on the back or a hand on the knee. He’s good at reading the atmosphere and acting accordingly. Besides Wonho, Changkyun is the member that I can really relate to. 

Ok, I’m done!

Hardcore Monbebe Challenge (4) One thing you appreciate about each member

[nolongerbeneaththemoonlight-a]

Osamu Dazai

If you haven’t already, meet Osamu Dazai, past Demon of the Port Mafia and current agent of the Armed Detective Agency. Let’s explain him a bit, shall we? I’ll be using a lot of help from the BSD wiki, just so you know~

Basics:

Osamu is a suicidal maniac, but we all love him. Because of this, suicide will be a large part of this blog. 

He has an ability called “No Longer Human”, where he can nullify the abilities of others with a simple touch. This ability is always active, and he can’t turn it off. All he needs is skin contact to completely turn off someone’s ability, and after he pulls his touch away, their power is inactive for another 2-7 seconds.

Appearance:

As the BSD wiki states, Dazai is a handsome male with mildly wavy, short dark brown hair and narrow dark brown eyes. His bangs frame his face, while some are gathered at the center of his forehead and fall just above his eyes, sometimes hanging over his orbs. He is quite tall, standing at 5′11″ (181 cm) and slim in physique. For his attire, Dazai wears a long sand-colored trench coat, the belt of which he leaves untied. Under it is a black vest over a striped dress shirt that is light blue in hue. He wears a bolo tie, which is held by a brown ribbon and a turquoise pendant. He also dons beige pants, dark brown shoes, and has bandages wrapped around his entire body; only his face, hands, and feet are left uncovered. The reasons for the bandages are yet to be discovered canonically, but I have my own theories which will be stated below.

Back when he was in the mafia (or in his Dark Era Verse), Dazai wore a dark trench coat that reached under his knees. He also wore bandages over his right eye and his right arm is in a sling. At some point, he was able to regain the use of his right arm, as evident when he was 18 in the anime. 

Personality:

Dazai’s true personality is hidden from view, only those very close to him knowing the real him. He hides behind a funny and cheerful mask at the ADA, but on the inside he is lonely and in constant mental and emotional pain.

Osamu is a very mysterious and intelligent man, and he never tells anyone his plans until he deems it necessary. He is secretive and manipulative when working, willing to kill and injure others in order to get his way. However, he still cares strongly for his teammates. His plans are all very clever and well thought out, his intellect matching even the most dangerous of the ADA’s enemies, but he acts as if these plans of his were nothing much.

When he isn’t being serious with a case, he seems very lazy and goofy. He does whatever he wants, opting to walk around town or find new ways of suicide instead of doing his actual work.

He is a suicide maniac, as stated before, and often tries to commit suicide in comical manners. However, while his suicidal tendencies are initially comedic, they reveal a truly dark deep hole that Dazai has and believes he cannot fill. 

Back in the mafia, he was much colder and darker than he is now. Thanks to joining the ADA, he is now humorous and playful, as well as having developed a soft side.

In the past, while he was still suicidal, it was shown to be far less comedic. He really tried to die many times, but somehow, he could never actually succeed. He believed he could fill this hole and find a reason worth living for if he lived a life of bloodshed and war, but Oda convinced him to join the good side. In addition, he was extremely brutal and methodical, setting up traps to catch captives alive to torture the of information and often beat Akutagawa for disobeying orders and in order to push him to the limits to improve his abilities. He was extremely confident and was a terrific planner, coming up with long run strategies to subdue his enemies. 

Past:

Here’s where things get different and mostly headcanon based...

Dazai was an orphan like Atsushi, and was beaten and ridiculed like the weretiger as well, but less harshly since Dazai’s ability was hardly as costing as Atsushi’s. However, his torso is still littered with scars from his childhood, which is why he wears bandages on his torso as well as everywhere else. At the age of 13, Osamu ran from the orphanage. He survived for a few months on the food he scavenged from the orphanage and the scraps he managed to find on the streets. 

After a year of living on the run, Osamu grew tired of living like this and saw no point of living anyway. Humanity disgusted him, the world was cold and uncaring. And as a child with nothing but a hatred for the life he was living, he saw no problem with ending it all.

So, he fell from the top of a ten story building. However, he landed on a bush that was acting as landscaping for the building, which cushioned his fall but scraped up his body. He tumbled from the bush onto the ground, breaking his arm in the process and leaving him bleeding and tortured by his own pain.

Osamu was found by Ōgai Mori, a doctor at the time, who took him in as his protege. When Mori killed the boss later that night and became the boss of the Port Mafia himself, Dazai was there as his only witness.

Osamu quickly became the youngest executive of the Port Mafia, becoming an executive at merely 16 years old and being a living legend within the underworld of Yokohama. He was partners with Chuuya and became the “Criminal Underworld’s Worst Enemy”, and earned the title of Twin Dark.

Dazai fit in perfectly with the evil Port Mafia, and was ruthless in his methods. So how did he become a good guy? His closest friend, Oda, requested on his death bed for Dazai to join the good guys and become someone who saves people. And so, he did as Oda wished and left the Port Mafia. He was 18 years old.

For two years Dazai went into hiding to cleanse his records before he joined the ADA, which was suggested to him by Taneda Santouka. His friend Ango helped him in this endeavor, and he soon joined the ADA. It is said that during those two years, Dazai was a drunk who spent most of his time in his favorite bar. 

Dazai’s entrance exam was the Serial Disappearance of Yokohama’s Visitors Case, which he completed with his now coworker, Doppo Kunikida.

Misc:

He is a major goofball and loves to mess with people. This includes Chuuya, any of his coworkers (especially Kunikida), and in some cases, his enemies.

He is a huge flirt and will flirt with anyone, even a trashcan (probably). He is a huge bi disaster, but he rarely ever feels anything when he flirts. However, if he knows someone and actually does have feelings for them, it’s hard to tell if he actually cares or is just playing them. Even he doesn’t know for sure.

Verses:

~ı ċåṅ‘ṭ Ŀıṿє å ṅọŗṃåĿ Ŀıғє; ı ẇåṡ ŗåıṡєԀ ɞʏ ṭһє ṡṭŗєєṭṡ~ [Beast AU] — To be honest? I know VERY little about this AU. It’s the light novel, right? I’ll read it and update this later lol.

~ı‘ṃ jȗṡṭ Ŀıҡє ʏọȗ!!; ʏọȗ‘ŗє jȗṡṭ Ŀıҡє ṃє!!~ [Twin Verse] — This verse is specifically for other Dazai rpers who, like me, LOVE twin AUs?? Osamu and Osaka (my Dazai) were the Demon Twins of the Port Mafia before they left. Never separated, always humorous, these twins love causing havoc and joking around with each other. They may no longer be demons of the Port Mafia, but now they are tricky little imps in their own way. Chuuya and Kunikida, beware~ When it comes to a twin verse, my “twin” will have the same backstory as yours unless stated otherwise. This is to prevent confusion with differing headcanons and backgrounds. 

~ẇє‘ṿє ɞєєṅ ṡƿєṅԀıṅɢ ṃọṡṭ ọȗŗ Ŀıṿєṡ Ŀıṿıṅɢ ıṅ ṭһє ɢåṅɢṭṡå‘ṡ ƿåŗåԀıṡє~ [Dark Era] — This takes place in the time between Dazai being 14/15 to 18. He’s an executive of the Port Mafia, partners with Chuuya, and training Akutagawa. Not much else to say here.

~ı ẇåṡ ṅєṿєŗ ŗıɢһṭ ғọŗ ṭһє һєŗọ ṭʏƿє ọғ ŗọĿє; ı åԀṃıṭ ıṭ~ [MHA Verse (Osamu)] — In this verse, Osamu is a teacher at UA. He wasn’t always a teacher, as he used to be a leading part in the infamous villain group/mafia, the Port Mafia in Yokohama. However, he left the Port Mafia because a dear friend wished him to, and made his way to the leading hero school in all of Japan, UA, to become a teacher. Of course, no one but him knows of his past... He is now the teacher of 3-A in the hero course. (Read more here!)

like this post if you have read it and agree to it, please.

[bratalat]

A snippet from a voicemail I sent to my psychiatrist a little over a month ago:

You know, at one point I genuinely accepted my own death. I totally thought I was gonna die. I’m talking about it in retrospect and I’m definitely safe now but at the time I was like, an absurdly high fraction of people with bipolar die and I just accepted that I was one of them. Isn’t that fucked up? I was like, my life has absolutely no meaning. It still kind of doesn’t, I don’t have anything right now. So there you go for a little update on me. IOP is okay, I guess. I try to speak up but it’s not doing that much and it feels like I’m just getting a bunch of platitudes in response. I do talk individually to the social workers or whatever but I’ve just been like sobbing to them and not getting that much back. Sounds so me, doesn’t it? I feel like I really need your guys’ help right now like, both you and [therapist] and I can’t see you guys for weeks [both on leave, what convenient timing] so that sucks.

I’m a lot better now than I was but I’m scared for myself and I never get scared for myself. So on that wonderful note, see you in several weeks. Hope you’re well. 

After the events of the last two months, my psychiatrist now worries about me constantly. My therapist tells me that I’m definitely the case my psychiatrist worries/cares about the most. I know it’s because she really identifies with me and she can see herself in me-- a young undergrad trying to make it to grad school (med school for her, of course) while grappling with a new bipolar diagnosis. I can’t get over feeling undeserving of her concern or her help at all. I’ve been quite the drain on the healthcare system as of late and my self esteem is obviously in the pits these days. But to kill myself would be a real blow to her. Oh man, not only because of the professional consequences (she would definitely have to get reviewed and her coworkers/superiors might treat her differently for a while), but because it would personally affect her. What would it be like to not be able to help someone who you identify with so strongly? What would it be like to lose someone to suicide after having talked about it so extensively with them? I can only imagine the guilt and grief she’d feel, and maybe even fear of litigation, although I’d very, very clearly stipulate in my suicide note that I don’t want litigation of any type to be pursued. I even thought about switching psychiatrists before killing myself so she wouldn’t be personally or professionally responsible. Luckily I realized that would be a stupid fucking idea (the switching psychiatrists, not the killing myself).

Anyways, it’s understandable now that she sometimes acts sort of weird around me now. Like, I’ll walk into sessions absolutely not knowing what tone she’ll take (empathetic? apologetic? caring? disappointed? stony? clinical? she’s taken all of these with me before) which is... confusing, to say the least. She’s told me on multiple occasions that she’s just trying to take the “tough love” approach. HAHAH it might make more sense to stick to one approach rather than flip flopping though.

She also seems to be either terrified or disdainful when I talk about the dark parts of my life comedically or even just jovially. I think she’s afraid I’m not taking things seriously enough, and that I’m going to die or ruin my life. I can see how she might feel, but comedy’s a huge part of my personality. I can recognize that my propensity for dark humor is influenced by childhood trauma, but comedy is still a legitimate method of expression for me. To talk jokingly about something isn’t to diminish its validity. I think I can be funny while expressing genuine, undiluted truth. Sometimes she tries to meet my goofiness by slamming her foot down, and I just don’t know that that’s helpful. I think I’ll ask her for a little bit of leeway on this and in exchange, I can adopt a serious affect when discussing things that are really quite serious, or things that might be muddled by a playful tone (i.e. I want to die! Literally!)

She’s on a brief leave right now, out of the country. She scheduled me in for the last day before she left, and the first day after she gets back (she’s worried, all right. Quite the international ‘brb’). Excited to see her again.