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cirilee · 4 years

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i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there��s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up. now i'm thinking: What is so important, that he has to call me during work. there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

#vent #rant

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survivesalem · 4 years

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Episode 9 - “I'm basically screwed.” - Raffy

So I go about my day and I start my daily idol search then bam finally got all the ingridents for my idol which lowkey made me happy as fuck because I lost the creative immunity challenge the only one I can ever possibly win .

I lost the tree man. I’m big sad energy . Updated thoughts on everyone because I’m big confused Jay- actually voted Cameron out . We are starting to talk more made chat with Jay and Liam that I named T-r-I-o. Think jay might be one of the few people who’s gonna be honest from here on out (I hope so ) Liam- RIDE OR DIE. I would use my idol on this human in a heartbeat . Super sweet and genuine . Also voted Cameron out the proof was in the literal reaction Liam made when Mac went instead of Cameron . Trying to plan a call with him might tell him about my idol . Brien - sadly snaked me :( . Says I won’t go next says the plan will be Cameron again even tho that will make gizmo mad so now I’m sus and I think Brien May be working with them. If he is part of the reason I get out I’m gonna be sad . Raffy : you sneaky sneaky human . Acting like you didn’t vote out Mac but people have stepped forward and told me the true tea . You still think I’m oblivious but it’s all an act darling . You probably think I’m an easy person to beat in the end . You made bottom bitches even though you aren’t a bottom . Sneaky sneaky indeed . Paolo- I have no ill will towards you at all. You at least told me everyone was discussing the bigger players and you said you never heard my name . We don’t have much of a connection but hoping it’s not to late to switch things up a little . Cameron - your probably gonna read this and be like oh she’s just gonna trash talk me . Your wrong lol. Yeah you were suppose to go at tribal but idk you enough to talk bad about you I’m sure your a lovely human . Gizmo- hi I still don’t know who you are 😂 no hard feelings tho ? Maybe we will talk this round ?. Jessie : your in such a bad spot rn at least you have your idol ! (Like literally your probably next boot but maybe someone will tell you if your the vote and you can pull of an epic blindside .)

I’m in the final 8 now and I’m proud of myself for making it this far without being voted out yet and even more surprising not even getting a vote yet. I can’t dwell on my proudness too long though bc I have to figure out which way I’m gonna go from here which is the best route for me to take to ensure I make final 3 Im really upset with raffy after the tribal he came on call with Liam Jessie and I and said he voted with them? Like what?!?!? You’re gonna make me look bad and lie about your vote I nipped that’s right in the bud and told Liam what the deal was, hopefully Liam has me in his plans for the upcoming 2 rounds at least. He seemed really understanding I get that’s how you have to be after you’re blindsided but he really was good. Raffy is my next target bc of his shenanigans after tribal. I think Liam Jessie and jay are still keen on working with me possibly at least until we get to smaller numbers like 6 or 5 I do sense out Paolo as a threat and gizmo gave away while I was on call with him that they were close but keeping gizmo around till 6 may benefit me bc he will always be a larger target then me. I know he threw me utb last round but I’m playing this game like poker each round is a new hand and I have to operate it at a while different level a whole new level of thinking while also trying to better position myself for the future. Gizmo has Paolo and has Cameron and he thinks I’m gonna work with them And raffy no smh that’s not what’s gonna happen. Gizmo wants Liam gone next and Liam wants gizmo gone they are probably gonna war with each other and I don’t know which side I’ll land on but believe me I’ll try my best to make the right choice. I feel bad voting Mac out but I gotta justify it by saying it’ll get me to the end and now I just have to get to the end to prove myself right. Raffy told gizmo he wants to keep me around for a while so it makes sense that raffy is telling me he wants Cameron next but I’m gonna do whatever it takes to get raffy at 8 bc of the stunt he pulled and if I can then I can at final 7 convince Jessie jay and Liam to vote with me bc them 3 are obviously controlled by gizmo. I do believe gizmo is close to Cameron as well as Paolo.

Well I'm basically screwed. I don't have a vote because no one trusts me. I'm at the bottom of the totem pole apparently. So, I guess it's time for me to be yeeted. I can't really do anything about it at this point.

WHOO we won final 8 immunity I honest am kinda upset I don’t want people to see me as a challenge beast or someone who has 2 immunity wins as a resume point for the FTC I mean it good that I do but also bad for the target it may put on me. I’m the number one trusted and I’m super stoked about it however I think if people think everyone trusts me they will start to question if I’m really loyal to them so now at this point I need to continue to work my social game and get people to trust me. This vote is gonna get crazy and I’m just happy no one can say my name. I’m loyal to the fantastic 4 and I think they are too at least for this round and I wanna day for another too bc that’s my ideal final 4 right there. I’m happy we decided to go for Paolo and I hope the vote sticks bc him going is great for me bc I don’t think he wants to keep me long term in this game and it keeps raffy and gizmo both here who I believe are bigger threats then me and will go home before me. Now I got a steal a vote too I need to use that to it full potential and everyone knows I have an advantage but I don’t plan on telling anyone this round and my cover up was that I got to get anything from any of the recipes I hope I convinced them but I’m order to use it properly I may have to tell someone later and it can be used as a tool to get someone back on my side if I need to. It’s good to keep in my back pocket and as a secret now though at least for the round bc I’m safe regardless

So i right now have no vote after it being a seriously close vote with me on the other end of that knife and now I'm trying to get raffy out who is one of the biggest threats and gizmo god love him is dead set against liam like dude i get it he betrayed you twice but he ain't winning challenges like this is why threats make it far in games because people would rather do personal votes like........i get it personal votes feel good sometimes but DEAR LORD JESUS CHRIST. Hopefully i was able to talk him into voting raffy

Gizmo wants to vote for Liam. I want to vote for Cameron. At this point, I am not going to fight for who is out when. I just want to survive. Apparently, Cameron has thrown my name around which is a very big yikes

After Mac left I was RAGING! like RAGING! That was my BOY! Ofc I understand why it happened but I hated that it did happen. Raffy for some reason lied about voting for Cameron which is the dumbest shit ever. Brien & Paolo both told me that Raffy voted Mac and I was like ??? is you on that dumb bitch juice because that's literally the worst thing you could do but okay. I like Raffy a lot so it really confused me. Jessie & I felt super betrayed last tribal so we have our lil trio with Jay and Brien is our 4th right now. While our lil 4 was on call Jessie told me she had an idol but I honestly believe she has more because she was saying how many items she has and I was like "hmmm okay sis". The 4 agreed to vote out Paolo since he's an unexpected vote. Voting for Paolo is gonna destroy me because I love that dude so much and I think when it happens I'll honestly cry but I'm not here to fuck spiders I'm here to win and I'm gonna do everything I can to win this game.

Well, I think I have put myself in an OK spot for tonight's vote. Cam really wanted Raffy gone, but if he goes I'm the next to go then Brien. The 3 of us need to stick together because we have targets on our back. Hopefully the vote was successfully switched to Liam. Going into tribal I'm nervous. You never know what can happen. Last tribal Liam's face showed it all. You have no idea how the game can change and what's going to happen. I never feel truly safe.

I am definitely going home lmao. RIP

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mythological-survivor-no-mikoto · 4 years

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Episode 12 - You Should Not Have Been Throwing My Name Out - Zac

With numbers dwindling, the votes are getting more intense. Nikias wins immunity and a plan is set into motion to blindside Olivia, who is viewed as one of the strongest players left. At tribal council, Abrielle plays her voting coin advantage but it fails. She pulls out her vote steal advantage as well, using Nikias’ vote to put a vote on Aly. Only Aly remained loyal to Olivia and Olivia was voted out 4-2-1 over Abrielle and Aly.

“FINAL 7! This was a good wake up call vote btw, people talk and snitch and have their own agendas in this game. I think its pretty fascinating bc i don't think i have ever being less utr and still i think i am kind of am in people eyes? Idk, I think today was challenging bc I wanna be a gamer and creative with moves and I think it's fun but sometimes i feel bad for lying which make it hard for me at times to play this game”

“Dear diary. Today I had yet another emotional meltdown and learned that I can trust none of the se bitches. It is very upsetting. I also fought some bitch after tribal who tried to bullshit me and I was not having it. Anyways I feel like I have hit rock bottom. When the person i trust the most is fucking Abrielle who is barely even around, you just KNOW something is wrong. Anyways, I will get back to crying about geting into conflict and about a korean singer calling out one of her band members for bullying her, attaching self harm pics of her arms. Good night heart heart purple heart green heart heart eyes emoji”

"Yesterday I was down yes. today I am still down. But I am here to get to work. It isnt worth shit for me to just coast and wait for people to come to me. i need to have an hand in my own future and I am going all out. If that gets me voted out, fine. so be it. but im going out fighting”

“At this point of the game, I am thinking to use the fake idol only incase i have to do a damage control. However, I have lie way too much in the game and giving a fake idol to someone with out making sure that I am in danger it's like giving them a reason to not vote you in the end, you give them a reason to be bitter at you. I was trying and i will give it another shot to convince Olivia to take advantage of it and give it to someone. I want to go with Olivia to the end because I trust her the most out of everyone and it's the first time that I am so loyal to someone and it just feels right. I wanna see if there is anyway to convice her that i give it to her and she can give it to someone else, so the person who would use it could be bitter at her and while it would be my idea it would look like she did my dirty job which would make Olivia look weaker in the jury. However, Olivia is smart and at the moment she is not buying it. I am not planning to use it myself unless i have too“

“ Normally I’m totally fine with mastermind. This version? Where we can’t see which ones are which? Absolute fucking hell”

“ fuck. i hate it here, thank u “

“f6 babyyyyy. omg i am so so happy that was sucha good timing“

“It’s just like.. a battle of the good people left. These are all the people I felt the most genuine good vibes from and I like them all so much

“Constance- could maybe persuade him to vote me?

Vi- would most likely vote me

Adam-probably no chance in hell

Cori-would she even show up

Emma-mayyybe get her to vote me but that’s undecided

Josh-truly an unknown but he would probably vote for Nikias before me

I adore Nikias with my whole heart and I want him there at the end with me. This whole journey I’ve realized has just been about my friendship with him and if I lose to him I think I’d be ok. So I’d probably say Nikias and aly. Aly would be easy to beat I think and I think it’d come down to Nikias or I”

“ I really went from being in the complete bottom to basically being in charge of starting the movement to try and blindside Olivia. I'm so proud of the game I have been playing like I really changed from the type of game I usually play. and this is just amazing. I would love to get to the final 3 but even if I get voted out tonight I'll be leaving with my head held high cuz I know I played my hardest. I genuinely feel so bad about voting Olivia. but if its gotta be done its gotta be done. I need to stop playing with my heart and start playing with my head “

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#Mythological Survivor #episode 12 #survivor

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yuris--angel · 7 years

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0 to 44

thanks for keeping me busy, anon! im sorry this is late ya girl was taking a nap. also, sorry its so long.

0: Height5′1 or 1.54m 1: Age - 17 but 18 next month! Nov 23! mark it down! 2: Shoe size - my last pair of heels is 6.5 US size but my sneakers can be 7 or 7.5 US size it depends on the shoe 3: Do you smoke? - no. 4: Do you drink? -no. Well sometimes, its cultura, you know 5: Do you take drugs? - I have better things to spend money on6: Age you get mistaken for - the last time my age was mistaken,,,,one of my favorite actresses she thought i was in my twenties. 7: Have tattoos? - Nope8: Want any tattoos? - Yeah something eventually dont know what9: Got any piercings? - No 10: Want any piercings? - No thanks :(11: Best friend? - JENNY. mY WHOLe HeArT12: Relationship status - single :( im ugly lol 13: Biggest turn ons - MANNERS :’) being NICE!!!! 14: Biggest turn offs - rude people. mean people. People with superiority complexes 15: Favorite movie - WONDER WOMAN 2017 16: I’ll love you if…- overall a nice person. you’re sweet, funny, watch Versailles or Naruto. Thats all it takes fam 17: Someone you miss - i miss jenny i havent seen her since august :(( 18: Most traumatic experience - i dont wanna do this one :( im sorry i love u pls understand 19: A fact about your personality - i don’t know what to say here because i don’t like talking so highly about myself but i also don’t have anything bad to say. i think I’m really nice. And if i’m not its for a reason. 20: What I hate most about myself - my weight :/ my face. i think everything else is good! I don’t like to talk about myself..highly?? I feel bad when I do..but I don’t think i have to change anything abt the way I am. Maybe i should be a little more..I don’t know how to word it..i’m a bit too…passive? I don’t stick up for myself as often as I should because I don’t like confrontation. 21: What I love most about myself - In a physical aspect, I get a lot of compliments on my smile! I don’t even have perfectly straight teeth I could use braces for a year but, I always get « your teeth are so white » « you have such a bright smile » 22: What I want to be when I get older - Not so sure just yet 😶23: My relationship with my sibling(s) - good! I love them all so much! Even though they can be annoying. My baby sister is my life. 24: My relationship with my parent(s) - :|||| not how I wish it was..its not so great.25: My idea of a perfect date - i mean we can go out, i’ll go anywhere! Here’s a lame ass answer but a museum?? Yeah. Staying home and cuddling though that’s really good too ☺️26: My biggest pet peeves - when i send a detailed message i expect an answer a long that line. I HATE vague replies. It makes me feel like you dont wanna talk so i start thinking im wasting my time. 27: A description of the girl/boy I like - i don’t really like anyone right now :( not because its hard for me to like people but just bc ive really only been talking to people ive been friends with for a while, recently?? I dunno if that makes sense?? Nothing’s come up is what i mean. 28: A description of the person I dislike the most - rude. thinks they know everything. talks when im not talking to them. is always trying to control things. 29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend - i didn’t wanna facetime lmao other than that i don’t lie to my friends. 30: What I hate the most about work/school - my school starts at 7 on the dot. I literally get to school at 6:30. I get up at 5am. It sucks so much. SO MUCH. 31: What my last text message says - sara whats up you haven’t replied so much recently? :( (my friends have a gc but i was busy with school stuff so i haven’t replied so much.) He misses me what a cutie 32: What words upset me the most - ahh something that someone said to me? i don’t have a specific word that makes me upset but the last thing someone told me that bothered me was them straight up telling me they used me. felt like shit for a while.33: What words make me feel the best about myself - like words people tell me?? I don’t have a specific word? When people compliment my manners, the way i present myself, that always makes me happy. (I like getting called beautiful too but who doesnt haha) 34: What I find attractive in women - hair! Eyes! Smile! Laugh!35: What I find attractive in men- same things i find attractive in women. I like to play with hair so, nice hair. i love people’s eyes! Smiles! LAUGHS?? So cute ;-;36: Where I would like to live - Ahhh so many places.37: One of my insecurities - my voice. Its terrible. 38: My childhood career choice - teacher39: My favorite ice cream flavor - carvel has mint soft serve. mmm yeah. Love it. 40: Who I wish I could be - Gal Galdot. The most beautiful woman on the earth. 41: Where I want to be right now - in Seoul 42: The last thing I ate - halo top birthday cake icecream!! 43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately - kim yugyeom 😩💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘 44: A random fact about anything - i like making new friends and i made one today!

#anon #ask meme thing #lM SORRY ITS LONG

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survivor-islands-of-adventure · 6 years

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EPISODE 11

So I really pushed for it and it happened, Madison is officially gone and that’s one less person I gotta suck up to. But now mark is pissed at me. WHY WOULD WE VOTE KAREN OFF. She does not have a strong game, she’s floundering, she’s a prefect goat to take to the end. But whatever! Be as mad as you want. I was trying to help us both. But you just wanna be a big MAN BABY because I’m not letting you run this game. Remember how I said I wanted to run this and take no prisoners- well it’s now in full fuckin swing. I’ll do anything to get to the end. Even if that means cutting off mark, my number one ally. I’m actually super upset because I feel like he won’t be my friend anymore and wow I need to stop rambling whatever goodnight goodbye Goodluck

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I did a confessional before i got a strike lmaoooo I won immunity bitches time for revenge in Madison’s name. I’d love to just take out Tracey’s boring ass this round but there’s bigger threats in the game and unfortunately she’s not a threat to anyone or anything ever so let’s hope we can actually flush stoners idol this round and take out dan or drew

I didn't win immunity but i beat Drew the legend's score so im really happy about that. Tonight's plan is to tell people we're voting dan but actually vote drew, so I'm hoping it's seamless and not a fucking trainwreck like it has been. We're also trying to get Chris to use his idol. Lastly, im not sure i trust charlie atm. Mark wants her in on the Drew vote but im nervous that she might spill.

mark brought up a good point, but pat could potentially play the sapphire idol this round or the next for a big move, and with the way the game is going, one of these two tribals is probably the time to play it to try and swing some momentum back in his favor while also making a big move to add to his resume. just ideas™ in my head

Another fucking mess vote. Will I vote Drew? Maybe. Will I vote Chelsea? Maybe. Am I getting blindsided? Maybe. Idk it just feels weird. I feel like people are talking a lot but not a lot at the same time. Like we’re all beating around the bush. Let’s hop to it ladies. I’ll proabbly turn on Drew this week, I hope that doesn’t effect anything with Stoner in this game or the other game I’m in with him.

I'm writing another log because I'm so nervous for tonight once again. Idk why but I'm skeptical about Pippa being included in our voting information because I think she is secretly spying for Chris. The other night I told Pippa that I might vote Chris and not even a minute later, he messages me saying "I heard I'm getting votes against me." Coincidence? Idk. I want to be able to network and work with people but I don't know who to trust. Pat and Mark are pretty cool, but even Sammy I'm a little bit worried about. On the same night with the Pippa situation, I got a message from Chris telling me that Sammy asked him if he would vote me. So, now I'm not sure if Chris was just baiting me to start a fight, or if Sammy might also be working with Chris. Fuck.

This round is a mess but honestly, I’m like so here for it. I’m lowkey hoping Pat hits the bricks bc I told Drew he’s getting all the votes. I can’t wait to get voted out hahahahahaha. That would be so fucking funny. Everyone thinks Chris has the idol, but Drew does :~)

so this round has been very boring. Everyone is being predictable and sticking with their comfort. However I really want to switch things up and stop giving Tracey stoner and Chris so much power. Tracey just keeps coming to me to get information and it's low-key annoying cause like obvs I know she is working w Chris and Drew. Like she could be making power moves but she has not worked w me once and keeps like not going w anything I tell her. lmao whatever.

I feel like I have my little baby hands in every honey pot in this game. I’m the swing vote but I’m also deciding who it swings on. I’m letting Mark and drew think they’re picking who the vote is, but I’m whispering in their ears ehehhehe. Hopefully drew goes home tonight and stoner uses his idol

So uhhhhh last tribal was iconic skdndkndkdnd it actually worked and I'm still here ??????? Anyway nothing new has really happened so yeah :/ but um the others are flushing chris' idol and me drew and Chris are voting for Sammy. Also I need to keep an eye on dan because he still seems like a flip flopped skcjfkfnfj

CONFESSIONAL: This week is supposed to go smoothly. My alliance of sammy chelsea and mark is going well. I trust them a lot. With my alliance members getting voted out its easier for them to want to vote for me in the end. I miss madison but we have to keep moving forward to eliiminate drew, chris and tracey. i CANNOT STAND THEM. especially tracey. if she takes me out i will actually cry. No matter what happens atlast i have majority. and it seeeeeeems like people are noticing me and I realllllyyyy like that. Like if they keep going for chelsea and mark Its going to be amazing. This is literally how I won my BB game so I think this is a good way to get myself into the same position

OKAY SO SOMEHOW the concept of voting out madison actually worked?? Charlotte's interest in playing both sides was so incredible and useful in the last minute. Rip Ricky btw, i hope by the time this comes out, things are better for him. So the challenge was firedragon, which means i lost right the fuck away. So once again, a brilliant idol play was necessary. I'm bitter af that it couldn't be Chelsea ...but sammy probably was the better call. But now i'm stuck, F8, no idol, very little hope. It's nearing the end of the road but honestly making it this far is a triumph in itself.

SAMMY IS VOTED OUT

I’m shook. This is my third individual immunity win. My target is definitely growing but I still feel like I’m playing a reasonable game. I would love for Pat to use his Sapphire idol this week bc I would be safe regardless, but honestly Drew is the easy vote. The only thing that sucks is that he knows Pat has the Sapphire idol and if I flip, he could easily tell Pat or others about me telling him. I could do some damage control this week and tell Pat that Drew asked me if Pat had won the power and I said idk. And act like drew knew where everyone competed and it’s wideled down to Pat possibly having it. That’s a little risky but if it comes out that Drew told Pat I told him about the idol, it could save me and I can easily back pedal and say that Drew has a lucky guess. But at the same time, why would Drew lie if he was going out the door hnnnnn. It’s best if Pat doesn’t feel safe this week/thinks it’s gonna go to rocks. I think I could push a tie narrative by throwing Charlotte under the bus, but we’ll see. Regardless I’m going to the f7 and hopefully I have a solid group of 4 and maybe an idol of my own up my sleeve.

Okay I literally forgot that prevotes are due tonight; not being in an alliance chat this round made things weird, but iIve been working with Pat, Dan, Mark, and Charlotte to find the idol this entire time. I'm gonna be voting Chris, Tracey, or Drew, but I guess I should be talking to people about that and not idol clues lmfao.

Trying to fucking explain to Pat how his own Sapphire idol works is like trying to explain not being racist to my Uncle Bill. It’s just not....happening.

So!!!!!! Another tribal another person gone whew it sucka that it had to be sammy bc I actually wanted to work with him a bit but I gotta do what I gotta do to stay in the game. We had touchy subjects this round and I got most annoying which I'm sure I got bc I snapped in the tribe chat that one time JSJDJDJDJ and who doesn't deserve to still be here which is like ????? I get it!!! Y'all wanted me out for so long but you can't your way bc I'm smarter but w/e!!!! They can stay hatin ! I think I got most likely to get to the end and win or lose idk but I like my odds tbh rkdjdofnfk so this round will prob end being split 4-4 which is exciting bc it means we'll prob be going to rocks !!!! I'm nervous about being rocked out but hey at least it'll be exciting lol. I'm hoping after this round or next round to get dan out tho, he's playing a superb game and it'd be a great move to take him out t b h

Eek I really hope drew finally goes home! Glad I won funniest tbh! Haha! I’ll make a longer confessional later! I’ll prob be sent home tonight oh whale

I LOST THE CHALLENGE I DON'T HAVE AN IDOL This should spell death for me. It really should. it probably still will. But I have three people willing to vote with me, two willing to pull a rock for me. So far, at least. A lot of shit changes when the revote is upon us. There's also Pat's sapphire idol to think about. I'm honestly not expecting to make it through this round but if I do, there are only four rounds left to go. Four rounds, it's not that much. We're trying to vote Pat because making me and Pat both safe was the best way to keep Dan on board with the plan. That and the fact that he won immunity and wouldn't pull a rock. Also I got biggest threat and needs to go next. These whores really know how to flatter a bitch.

IM FINALLY VOTING TRACEY OUT.. too bad shes not actually going home bc Pat has the reward from the dark week. He started getting nervous with his name apparently going around this vote and only charlotte or dan would need to flip to cause rocks/send pat home. So Pat is safe with his idol but it cancels votes for the top 2 vote getters. So we had to maneuver the votes so Tracey is actually the second vote getter and Drew is the 3rd so Drew goes home. Me Dan Pat and Chelsea searched every name in survivor history on the blog for the clues to the idol, and then searched those numbers. We dont have it yet but should soon. Touchy subjects was interesting. Apparently i really am perceived to be running this game, not sure how that happened. But hopefully if i get to the end after "running the game" since merge thatll make up the lack of social game i have compared to some of the people left in the game.

#pihvv2 #notice #confessionals

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survivormarmoreal · 6 years

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Episode #10: “He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy" - Brian

Well losing Keaton wasn't in the plan. He was one of my closest allies. I may have screwed things up with Brian. Maybe if I can come up with a lie good enough, we could believe me. Sharky knows that I liked Keaton so maybe theres still trust there. Hopefully. Im still working with Nathan but hopefully he still wants to work with me even though Keaton is gone. I know for sure that I have Bryce. At least that's one ally but who knows.

OKAY OKAY OKAY. Thank fucking GOD. Everything worked out. All the other votes were for Matt so there is no question who is a liar. Because everyone is a liar. But it doesn't matter because our plan worked. Matt is still here. I'm still here. AND KEATON IS NOT!!! Now of course everybody is scrambling to apologize to me. Nick is like oh it was so last minute. Maynor is like "i liked you both so it would keep you both". Nathan is spewing some nonsense. Bryce honestly kind of owned up and laughed it off which tbh i respect. And of course my girl Anna checked in and I told her we are golden. Because we are. Anna was 100% up front with me about this plan so I trust her A LOT now. I told her Brian and I didn't tell Matt about the plan, which is a lie, but it's the smart thing to tell her because it keeps her from being put in another tough position. And I never told Matt Anna was the leak. So Anna should be safe from any fallout after this vote. Nothing to do now but move forward and hopefully Matt or I win immunity and the FB Bois can carry on.

Update: I'm sure as hell not winning immunity because I only got 3 out of 25. Embarrassing. Physical threat who?

Bryce is my final 2. There, I've said it. I'm 100% solid on this man as my fellow finalist! I really hope that we are able to navigate our way to finals together... like, we have our plans, we spilled all the tea... basically Nick and Maynor just continuously lied to me, and like... idk... I feel like Bryce could be lying, but I just feel too good about this connection that I think it's a real final deal.

So fuck me with a spoon and call me Sally because I finally feel amazing about an ally to the end.

Also, we have our "potential vote order."

8. Nick - A goat that could just be brought to the end. He's not too bad, but he's also someone who could easily replace me in the Sharky-Matt-me trio. 7. Annabelle - Break her duo with Nathan up while also breaking her trust circle with Sharky. I think it would be ideal for me to take her out now. 6. Sharky - He's the biggest threat and you can't keep the biggest threat around for too long, no matter how much you trust them.

Top 5: Me, Bryce, Nathan, Matt, and Maynor. This isn't the cutest final 5 ever, but I feel like this sets me and Bryce up for the best final 2.

5. Biggest challenge threat, whoever that may be. 4. Biggest challenge threat now (if it's final 2). If it's final 3, then biggest jury threat. 3. Final loser (if it's final 2).

1+2. Me and Bryce. Kings.

omg so brian is my f2 now and thats so iconic... so we think the boot order is gonna be like nick anna sharky and then reevaluate for comp threats.... like so i didnt want to vote matt bc i didnt want to lie to brian bc i really wanted to work with him but nathan convinced me to anyway esp bc we knew anna voted matt already and then GHOSTED. but then matt played idol so someone (maybe nick) prob told him/sharky about the plan... sketchy anyway it worked out bc i hate keaton and am happy hes gone. so when tribal ended i noticed sharky brian matt werent leaving call and they were all the minority voters... well majority bc of the idol... so i went into damage control. it was so iconic bc i didnt even pm sharky or matt just brian bc i really only felt bad about lying to him bc i wanted to work with him so much and matt doesnt respond that much and well sharky maybe i was a lil bad feeling about lying but w/e. i just joked around with them didnt hide anything and was my usual charming self... so i was honest with them about what happened bc i realized like i dont want to work with ppl who lie to me. i forgot if i mentioned this but like keaton and nick refused to tell me they were voting matt even tho we were all supposed to be in on it. and while everyone else was lying about why they voted or when the plan was formed i decided to be forth right. idk if thatll come back to haunt me but hope not NNNN. i was on that call for 7 hours. thats dedication NFJAJDFSHKAJS although they were all iconic and fun to talk to anyway so wasnt that hard but i sleep at midnight the latest usually and it was 2am. but w/e i pushed through bc tiredness is passing but positioning myself properly is NECESSARY. once it was just brian and i we shared everything or at least i did KJFASDKJFA he kept being a lil shady but i think it was fair bc i did just lie to him. i told him about nathans vote spy and the og absolem (minus nick) alliance and all the stuff ppl were saying and he told me about how he knew of matts idol bc he himself had a vote steal and they traded info. so loved that tbh!!! like if we have to use it this round itll set us up good it think, plan is to take out nick bc he can be goated to the end and flipped to and we dont want that. then anna bc shes good at comps and wanna split nathan/anna up. then hopefully work with maynor/nathan/(maybe matt) to vote out sharky bc if he gets to the end he'd win we feel like. after that we gotta see who we can beat in comps so we can beast our way to the f2. we think its f2 bc how days line up but like im bad at math so KFJASDHFJSD. anyways me and brian are like the michele and cydney that make it to the end so get ready for that. sorry nathan, thank you next!

I dont know if i said it last confessional but losing Keaton at the moment was really bad. He trusted me and was working with me. But now it looks like Matt want to start a little alliance. Sharky wasnt bad, was just happy it wasnt him, and Brian not mad but upset. I think i literally may be working with everyone left. Scream team with Sharky. OG Dinah with Brian. Shatter but still together me nathan annabelle and bryce. My rams alliance with bryce. And nick talks to me but is only one who hasnt said we should work together.

So we out here still! I am really happy that the idol play worked and it seems to have shaken the 5 who voted against myself, brian and sharky a lot. they are all seemingly panicking and its quite amusing to watch ngl. However, I am pretty sure I can capitalise on this to my own advantage, to swing the numbers my way or at least to take myself to like 5th (which for me is always a good placing). I am sure as hell not done playing yet so woo lets go bitches!

worried brian is closer to matt than me... annabelle once again ignoring. i dont know how to have a convo with matt like on call sure easy love it on discord? not happening. nick... maynor seems off today but we still chatted for a while... maybe im over? whomst knows! love ain

These questions were all out of left field like wow. I didn't even get to read all the questions. I randomly looked at a question and picked a number. I actually knew more of them than the ones I picked. I only got one right and that was Mickey Mouse and I don't even like him that much. Lets hope people are thrown off by these questions and panic like I did.

So Nathan has come and apologized. I really do believe his plan, although it was super selfish, was to get our group of 4 further. So I'm not mad. But the thing is that more so than Nathan lying it showed that he has real POWER in this game. He was able to get a 6 person majority to do what he wanted and convinced them all to lie to me and Brian. So he won't be my next target because he has my back but I don't have his anymore so he better watch out. Nathan is the biggest threat left in this game.

Okay so it's seems all is at peace. Anna had been worried that Nathan would come after me but it seems that passed. And The Jock Destroyers Alliance actually seems to be on the same page for once. Nick is just seeming like an unknown to all of us and we want to cut down on unknowns this late in the game. None of us can guarantee Nick is with us and that is worrisome. So as much as I've tried to work with Nick these past few weeks it might be time to cut my goat loose and move on with a new flock. I guess we'll find out.

I WON IMMUNITY!!! My wig is flown... now I can be more ballsy over the next 24 hours. I want Nick gone. For Nathan and Sharky to think that they're the ones doing this, though, is so annoying because I was literally the one to open this can of worms. In addition, the reason I want Nick gone is because I want him out of Sharky's ass. I don't need the two of them to be besties anymore! I know Sharky is OK with voting him out, but I know Nick thinks him and Sharky are like besties so...

I think that 5 that voted Matt last round were thrown into a tizzy when Keaton went, and so I'm just out here like... lemme revel in the chaos! Maynor and Nathan both were so anxious for my reaction... Nick went explaining to me right away what happened... ugh!! My mind is so big... Sending Nick home this round will be one step closer to fulfilling my top 2 fantasy with Bryce. I love it so much. I really hope all goes to plan, but I am immune so I can't really be too worried since I'll still be here after 24 hours lmfao!!

I would love to be the hero by the end of this season, but I already see my villain arc coming up, and I'm left sitting here like... well, it was bound to happen. The second I turn on Sharky is the second I hit that arc, and it's a plan that's coming sooner rather than later!!

i feel like... im going home its so quiet like brian won immunity and pushed on nick so like he should go but its just so quiet hm.

Well. It looks like it might be me. 🤷‍♂️ No one hs been talking to me so I guess its may be my last day!?

So the vote is either between Me or Nick tonight. And i dont like that. Going to see if I can get Nick and atleast 2 other votes to atleast make it a tie. The only other option right now is to take out Sharky. Im looking to try and get Bryce, Nick, and hopefully Nathan. Brian is safe. That leaves Matt, Annabelle, and Sharky. So like 🤷‍♂️ Imma go out fighting if its me.

So like, this tribal is really quite quiet, but seems to have a clear target in Nick. SOmething of which i will HAPPILY take for myself, as I am just fed up of getting voted atm lmao. Like yes please just give me 1 round of respite then you may come for me again cause I will be ready. I feel close to Maynor and Nathan, mainly cause I have worked on them over the past few days so i feel good about myself and where i stand. will I win? probably not. Am i ok with that? no but if I have to settle I will

Okay for once it seems like there isn't much scrambling. I could be completely wrong and I'll get sent packing but who knows. It should be a quick and easy vote for Nick.

I jinxed it. The moment I said it should be easy NICK GOES OFF IN THE TRIBE CHAT. Trying to basically threaten all of us with the idea that he may have another idol. THEN BRIAN CALLS HIM OUT. And he puts Nick on blast for leaking the Matt plan to us. Which he did do. BUT Anna is actually the one who told us. So Nick either actually has an advantage and will save himself (in which case I don't think I'm his target) or his whole game just BLEW UP. It's messy messy messy.

Well Nick just ruined all the possibilities ih trying to save him. Nathan doesnt seem like we could get the votes so that also gets rid of Annabelle because they are very tight. So my vote is gunna be Nick but just watch its actually me. 🤷‍♂️ I would die but nothing i can really do know.

maybe im boo boo the fool??? theres been iconic fights and stuff and now nick is gonna vote me which is rude but he says hes voting maynor but i doubt that bc maynor tried to save him earlier this round so idk whats happening ppl are saying like dont worry he doesnt have the votes but what if he idols or what if ppl flip or like i dont want any vote against me in the first place. all these ppl so stable bc they arent the ones getting voted. the AUDACITY nick has when ive put up with his bland unanswering self for all these weeks to vote me on his way out??? no ty!!! maynor is like the most NNN idk he just has the worst pokerface i went with his annoying save keaton plan last week and im pretty sure he is going to vote me now too like... maybe dont do that what happen to the stupid :rams: :rams: aries thing we had going... make it add up!

Looks like I’m going home... the only chance I have at staying is if bryce gets out but I’m worried that’s not going to happen... I guess we will see wha happens in a few hours…

AHH!! So I got into a fight with Nick earlier. He wanted to have this ginormous dick energy in the main chat about powers he has and how he KNOWS who mentioned his name... girl, you know NOTHING! He still thinks I've voted for him twice, and highkey if I had read my PMs about the idol before 7:45pm, then I would've voted for him exactly Z E R O times. So fucking ugly...

So yea, I fought him. And I'd say I won. I just hope everyone sends his ass home. Bryce and Nathan are updating me on, like, everything, and we have Maynor who just is beyond sketchy with his PMs.... I really just... WHEW.... I hope Nick's straight ass goes home and it isn't Bryce.

This tribal is going to be one big fat mess... but like i’m ready for it

I dont really want to do Nick tonight but its the best thing for now not to rock the boat. Im just hoping that everyone isnt lying and its some how me tonight. 🤷‍♂️ Just need to trust people who are saying they are doing Nick. But having a weird feeling and hopefully its a false alarm.

Tbh Brian not voting makes me feel sketch about tonight. It may be nothing and just me being worried that my name was thrown out. He said he was going to sleep early but he could have voted early for Nick so like. 🤷‍♂️ Paranoid and im going to die.

Nick is voted out 5-1-1.

#episode #allmadhere

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survivormuxloe · 6 years

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Episode #12: “if they were smart, they would take me out tonight.” - David

Man, things are not looking good at all for me and my alliance, LOL, sweet lord. Jones was blindsided at tribal, and now if I don't win out these immunity challenges, I'm definitely gonna go home.

Winning 2 in a row is a feat in itself, now I'm going for 3. With a time of 7:58, I feel pretty good about it. The key is to not get ahead of yourself and take your time. People go too damn fast in these endurance challenges and manage to mess up, I'm hoping that's the case again this time, LOL.

so...! POST TRIBAL JONES WENT HOME 4-3-1 HALLELUYAH LOLLL LIKE THE GODFATHER IS GONE!!! rhys legit gave me tobi and ryan a fucking heart attack bc if he selfed it would have been 3-3-1-1 and ryan was gonna use his idol on tobi.. i have to laugh lol but ya like uhm.

its rly weird to be in this position. where i feel insanely comfortable. i’m the only person left with 0 votes to my name, me and tobi are the only people to vote 100% in majority throughout this game. :))

and it’s even better bc.. tobi and ryan both think i’m their #1’s. and i can act the fool bc i’m the ONLY canute left vs 3 mercia 2.0 and 3 sweyn 2.0 hehe...

its super weird i dont usually have good positioning but i feel as if the only way i’ll ever leave is an idol play which i think me and ryan have the only ones :)

I BEAT THE CURSE OF EIGHT. But Jones got voted out. So it’s a win/lose situation. She was determined on helping me get past eighth and it’s upsetting. But I gotta keep moving forward and do my best. Block Party was very tedious and I don’t know what’s considered a “good score” for this challenge but I completed it in 7 minutes which I think is pretty good.

so im just gunna be a psychic and hope this comes into fruitation or whatever the word is...

OK SO THIS VOTE GET OUT DAVID.. easy 4-3 lol

next vote.. bait tobi mo and ahrre into voting ryan, tell ryan to idol, we pref get ahrre out if possible..

then i PREF WIN F5 IMMUNITY AND BAIT all of them into votign tobi and i idol tobi... but if i dont win immunity im gunna prob use it on myself and be a selfish cunt lol

Just kidding it took me 11 minutes I don’t think I’m winning this

So last tribal was interesting. In theory my plan didnt change anything, however it couldve stopped a tie vote. Jones was close to Ahrre and Mo (maybe David?!). So she couldve easily chose to vote Ryan and sway them on board. My plan stopped this happening as she had no idea they were voting for Tobi.

Now I feel like I am still in a power position. I am inbetween Tobi, Ryan, Scott and Mo, Ahrre and David. I have to assess my options. I did lie to Mo, and Ahrre. So they may want to make a move against me. Where as Tobi, Scott and Ryan are the more safe trio but also more dangerous in that I wouldnt be able to beat one of them in the end.

Someone has idols too. So ANYTHING could happen. I need them to get burnt out soon. I CANT have a possibility of 4 IDOLS at final 5. Dani, Felix and Jones were all blindsided, so there may be a chance some idols laid there. However the merge one is likely still here. It was gone before jones left, and might be gone still. Meaning the idol is with someone else or wasnt re hidden.

My main goal in this round is to keep votes off me, get an idol possibly used and stay low. I didnt make a massivly obvious move, so my visiablity may still be low. I dont need a huge threat level, it makes getting to the end 100x harder.

Tobi snapped in immunity and tg he did bc David is finally vulnerable again <3 honestly it should be an easy vote considering ik our 4 wants David out bc he's so strong, and I doubt anyone else has an idol since me and Scott have 2.... so wigggg smooth sailing? i ain't gonna settle into comfortability tho bc that's never good

Ok so now I need to think about my end game. The only two people I’m not comfortable sitting next to FTC are Ryan and David. Ryan has been swerving eliminations and has gotten rid of several big threats. David is a comp beast and is also responsible for some big moves. So now you might be thinking, Mo? What’re you going to do? Lemme tell ya Barb. So my plan AT the moment. Is 7. David 6. Ahrre or Rhys 5. Ahrre or Rhys 4. Ryan And then final three will be Scott, Tobi and myself.

Winning immunity at this stage feels sooooooo damn good like especially for this round, this is the first time david has been open on the table after his immunity... and i feel like this is the round where advantages from the other side will be played and im glad im not vulnerable to whatever shit they throw at us... so like from a gameplay standpoint, me and scott have one of the best games currently (i think) with scott edging me slightly since he hasnt got any votes yet, but we're working together really well and like i feel like i can talk game to him really well... so the plan is that we take out david this round, we round up mo (idk about ahrre) for next vote and blindside ryan, and then from there we take out ahrre, and then me and him are in f4 with two goats. He wants to go to f3 with me while taking one goat (or so he says he does) but im gonna start making moves on scott at f4, if i can take out scott at f4 that leaves me a huge opening to take the game all the way till the end... but maybe i'm thinking too far ahead

Lowkey tho like... I kinda want ahrre out over david at this point... i feel like ahrre has built some sort of barrier in our relationship for no reason. like i've shown huuuge interest in working with him in the past, but he's just gone against me and even voted me last tribal in SPITE of me??? like??? everything he's done has landed him in the minority LMFAOOOOOOO LIKE get your head out of your ass and realize that i actually want to work with you!!! and like to get ryan out at f6 we're gonna need numbers and im not sure how comfortable i am with depending on mo to flip with us, the problem with telling ahrre is that hes soooo unpredictable like, he might just go and tell ryan everything me and scott are doing and then bam there goes everything... i understand wanting david out now since he's an immunity threat but thinking about all the blindsides I need to pull off like... I wanna keep david but I don't have numbers to keep him so I'll just have to bite the bullet on this one

So!! i lost challenge. again. lol xd

missus david and his ragtag bunch of misfits who dk how to Not piss everyone off are now deciding to vote me after unsuccessfully voting everyone else. (: BC THATS GUNNA WORK OUT FOR THEM.

like bitch.. work w/ the majority. they arent even TRYING. its lowkey kinda sad but its their own faults they put themselves in this position...

the tea is even tho i have my idol im only playing it @ f6/f5 OR if david idols. like. tobi/ryan def wont vote me and rhys will just follow ryan i think NNNN

wisj me luck x

Fuck. I have a really tough decision to make. I’d like to say I’m the swing vote but I don’t actually know 100%. I can choose to vote with David, Rhys and Ahrre or Ryan, Scott and Tobi. My main concern with this vote as a whole is jury management because I don’t want someone to leave unhappy with me but that’s really tough to do. I said previously my two concerns are David and Ryan when it comes to who I don’t wanna be sitting next to at FTC. A final four with David is scary because he’s a comp beast. A final four with Ryan is scary because he is super close with Scott and Tobi. This is a headache.

Well so last vote was funky dunky. So rhys sticked with the majority because he considered Jones to be a bigger threat than Tobi due to her connections.... Then the vote comes around and literally everyone lied to Jones about the vote LMAO.

So me mo and david followed thru with the tobi vote but it was to no avail, mainly because rhys not only flipped but he let him know I was gunning for him. Meanwhile the rest convicted Jones to vote me, probably by telling her some lie about how I was after her. While they all voted for her.

So there goes Jones and my no votes streak with her RIP. So after all of that I decided it was time for me to try and win imunity and while I was close Tobi just edged me the fecker.

So now we have an immune tobi and depend on rhys to flip for real this time. I hope he realizes that if he doesn't then everything is fucked but now it doesn't even depend on him. Since it's between Ryan and Scott and it's f7 the chances of an idol being played are high.

David is worried it might be him they're going after but idk anything could happen.

hmm so I've been busy today and haven't been talking with everyone. but i believe the tiffany alliance is still on the same page of voting David. i heard from Scott that the other 3 are voting him and they think Rhys is voting with them so that's interesting. i'm defintiely feeling safe, and i feel like Scott isn't going anywhere either so yayy final 6 here we go. I also talked with Scott about taking out Tobi sometime before final 3 because he's definitely a big jury threat, and he can definitely win immunities so if we get a chance to take him out we might hop on that. A final 3 of me/Scott/Rhys sounds pretty ideal and i think me or Scott would take home the win whew

david got another thing coming if he thinks he can idol me out... thats tea lol :)

So I lost the challenge yesterday...and yet I'm hearing that I'm not getting any votes tonight o.O which I don't believe for one second, cuz if they were smart, they would take me out tonight.

As I'm hearing...me, Mo, Ahrre and Rhys are gonna be voting for Scott, and Ryan, Scott and Tobi are voting Ahrre...because they think that I have the idol, LMFAOOO. WHICH IS TOO FUNNY OMG. I WISH I HAD THAT FUCKING IDOL, LOL.

Okay, so one side thinks Scott is going, One side thinks David is going. Meanwhile im in the middle lieing to half the tribe trying to stop an idol getting played to save my closest ally. Yeet.

Ok so according to rhys they're gonna be voting me since they're worried about david having an idol. But maybe that's just rhys playing the long con. Either way there's a sizeable chance I could be going home this week but hey third time's the charm amarite maybe this blindside will work once in for fucking all. Anyhow let's see how this thing goes.

David is voted out 4-3.

#royallyyours #episode

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ios-amsterdam · 6 years

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Ep 6. “Oploop for Cullan”

The final twelve castaways are merged and are now members of the Coven tribe.

JONES:

It feels like Randy is relying on me for a majority of the social game. I totally get that it's hard to integrate yourself into a new group of people - but I don't want to have to carry him in this game. As far as I know, I'm the one who's making the other connections, and he's been asking me to do the talking when it comes to forming the alliances (which is something I really don't want to risk). Hopefully he's not just using me as a shield if we lose, I want him to be able to do something for himself, yk? It's his game too, and I want him to actually do well. And idk if laying low will really do anything for him right now.

JONES:

HOLY FUCK I MADE MERGE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it's bittersweet bc now I have to scramble on behalf of Randy and myself BUT ITS OKAY BECAUSE WE'RE MERGED I'm so proud of myself. My current goal now that we're merged is to just check in with the old Wolfskers - specifically Keaton. I think of all the people from our old tribe, he's the biggest wildcard? Especially since now Chrissa is gone with the unanimous vote, I really just want to know why, yk? JONES:

I pitched an alliance to Keaton and he's down!! this is what I've been like,,terrified of doing the whole time? Idk if it's my dumb bitch juice or I'm getting too cocky or anything, but I'm finally like, making moves!! I'm pleased!! Ahhhhh!!!! hopefully they don't kick me in the ass or anything lol MO:

I made iT IT TO MERGE FUCKERS I DID IT. ME. I WIN. I’m getting to know everyone in this merged tribe and it’s so nice, it feels like a campfire. As for the reward challenge, I doubt I’m winning that shit, I don’t know anyone that well but it’s ok im ok we’re fine. Also, when i drink caffeine my brain becomes moldable to irrational thoughts that wouldn’t usually affect me but they amplify on caffeine. this isn’t game related i just needed to share. JONES:

So...I found myself in a weird situation. I'm not saying I'm the new Tyler Crispen or anything, but apparently I have ties with most people? Not only do I have my "Alliance" with Randy/Keaton/Jayden/Nick (since we haven't solidified anything yet), but now I have this alliance with Saxon and Madison. I'm glad that I have options, but I'm just worried that somehow it's going to bite me in the ass. Half of the time I didn't even do anything - Nick and Jayden literally were like "you're cool I wanna work with you" and like???? Shit here I am lmao. But yeah, it's bittersweet. I'll figure this out though if I can, I have more wiggle room now Y'all asked for tea! I'm thinking about the current dynamics of the game rn, and it's the Wolfskers 5 v 7 other people right? SO Wolfskers think they're in control of the game - and I want to keep it that way for this coming vote and maybe get someone that's inactive out like Jacob or Autumn? BUT then it'll be 5 v 6, I can maybe talk with Oploop for Cullan and the rest of the guys outside of Wolfskers about a blindside?? Idk!! I kind of love the idea. We can't expect to make it to the end with all of Wolfskers there, we have to turn on each other eventually - plus It's finally not a unanimous vote and it'll be a game changer yk?? I guess I want to see my og tribe mates squirm a bit. I've felt like I've been carrying some people on my social game so I'd like to see them try and save themselves. I came to play, not just sit around and coast the whole time.

MADISON:

Okay soooooo it's merge now, which means I can finally be with all my boys (Keaton/Nick/Kage). And last night, Jones, Saxon, and I made an alliance, so that's like half the tribe right now (math?) so I feel confident that I'm in a good position right now, but I also worry about Keaton being too comfortable as well. As proud as I would be to see him win, I need to try and make sure that doesn't happen because I know for a fact he wouldn't hesitate to backstab me (relationship goals) so I need to make sure that I take the first shot at some point. I don't know what it is, but I just feel really chill at this point right now. ALYSSA:

S/o to me juggling one-on-one alliances with four people LOL let’s see how long I can keep this up ~~~ RANDY:

https://youtu.be/5rcmDawtPpc

JONES:

I promised Saxon that I'd try to keep him safe for the next two tribals since he won't be there, and I also want to call Madison and Saxon to hear my "plans"?? I want to see what'll happen. It'll probs bite me in the ass if my paranoid bitch juice plans fail, but I'd rather go out of the game on a high note pulling off moves than doing nothing yk? I'm totally happy to help people with this immunity only because Idk if I want to win it? In my mind I keep asking myself if it'll make me a threat to win? It would be nice to win something, but I don't really need to unless I have to yk? ALYSSA:

Madison be coming for my allies and I’m like... first boot? Hehe JONES:

Alright so, Madison has said maybe 3 entire words since merge. Like Im not gonna force myself on you, ill just send you to ponderosa 🤷‍♀️ JONES:

I love how both my alliances are targeting each other :) :) :) MO:

I hate the first tribal after merge. Because usually merge at the beginning it’s like a huge party because it’s a checkpoint for everyone and unless you go into merge with previous beef between you and someone else there’s not much to go off of when it comes to who to vote for. So now everyone’s just kinda sitting, looking around at eachother trying to find if there’s a reason they should be eliminated. Even if you wanna play strategic there’s a 50/50 chance of it working because you either get people to agree with you, or your target finds out and turns everyone against you. Slightly off topic, I’m not gonna lie I know I shouldn’t of been offended at the reward challenge but the person I gave a big bowl of spaghetti gave me a rotten banana. JONES:

The plan right now is to get rid of Kage and honestly I'm fine with it?? Like YEAH I keep saying that I want to see Wolfskers squirm - but there's no possible way that all of Wolfskers can make it to the end and we have to pick ourselves off eventually, and I don't want to be the one who has to get picked off because of it. Plus they're being kind of cocky about having the votes like - you're literally 4 of 12 people that already blew their cover to their target within 3 hours of the immunity challenge ending. MO:

So the vote tonight was originally going to be Madison but all of a sudden we hear about Kage being in an alliance with Keaton and Jayden so everyone’s going to vote Kage. But then I thought about it, I asked who told me about the Kage vote and they said that Saxon told them that Kage was in an alliance in the first place and from my knowledge, Saxon and Madison are pretty close. But I’m fine with voting out Kage. MADISON:

In this game Kage is a piece of hot garbage and he really hurt my feelings by coming for me for literally no reason. I never would've done that to him and it's just not a smart move on his part. And the fact that Keaton was in on it makes me so angry. I don't know why people in games always hate me so much, if knew I would change it but idk what I'm doing wrong. NICK:

So the vote is either Madison or Kage and my job is really to convince people to keep Madison because she is loyal.... well mainly loyal to me :D JONES:

WE HAVE MAJORITY TO GET KAGE and if I’m right then after this vote, Keaton will think that Randy flipped and will go after him, if not then I guess I’ll die! Sorry you had to succumb to the perjury gods, Kage. You were just too quick to throw one of my closest allies under the bus and I wasn’t okay with that. I kind of want to just say - yeah: I might be playing like a snake. I get that. But until this point I’ve been playing to nice and have to start playing for myself. I know I wouldn’t make it to the final 3 if I went with the Wolfskers 5, and now that it’s merge I have to make big moves. I’m sorry if anyone’s offended by what I play, but the game is the game and I hope we can be friends afterward. Thinking back I’m honestly kind of upset that I’m betraying Wolfskers/Kage/Randy, because I feel like I really have made connections with everybody, and now it hurts to vote them out. But game wise I know I have to do it eventually. I hope they won’t be mad after the game ends :( ALYSSA:

Catch me out here trying to find the winning side and work with them lmao everyone is making final deals and I’m like ???? Well apparently Keaton’s in an f4 with Jayden, kage, and randy And apparently Jayden made an f3 alliance with him and autumn??? Even tho he’s been trying to work with me???? And Saxon who was my f2 from the start is getting close with Madison Which makes me nervous but then I can always sneak into that for a potential f3???? But I’m a strong player and I don’t think that many strong players in an alliance will work Or at least like we’re all the same kind of strong player. Saxon and Madison are pretty strong players I’d feel nervous having an f3 with them for fear that one would back out And Saxon told me he and Madison have been on call every night It’s just very confusing Everyone has a fucking final whatever Im most loyal to Autumn tbh cuz idk who else I can really trust and Autumn is loyal back I think... But then i just heard Jayden made an f3 with him and autumn and I’m like ?????? I trust trust I just wanna make Jury lol And not get called a snake 😂😂 Do I keep secrets? Yes But do I vote out people from my alliances? No (The one with kage doesn’t count) (That hasn’t been active since merge)

KEATON:

This game is silly. Everyone refuses to truly tell me whats going on (probably for better but still) and i have to hope and pray people tell me what the plan is. Today, that was Jones, telling me the majority hit on Kage so I am doing that...until an insane plan hits my mind. Tell EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHERS IM VOTING KAGE...INCLUDING KAGE. Then, vote Madison. At this point, i have everyone in the world thinking i voted Kage, but instead i voted wrong on purpose, causing chaos in the group hunting for the stray vote. If i can sucessfully pull this off, I can save myself for 2-3 votes while everyone goes on a witch hunt, and the witch goes along with them. AUTUMN:

I have a loooot of tea to cover and like no time to do it cause I gotta grab dinner before live night but whew Kage is probably going home 8-4, the Wolfsker boys are in trouble- which would explain why both Randy and Jayden each hit me up for an alliance- and I love it. PLUS Madison created this vote with Jones' help since she's a mole on Wolfskers and her actual alliance is Nick, Saxon, and Madison. We love getting what we wanted with no blood on our hands

So you know I'm intentionally off the grid right now as they're panicking. Because whoever sticks by Kage and doesn't flip is walking right into the lion's den. All I need is for the vote to not be unanimous cause if it is, there won't be a massive fallout like I need there to be. Right now we have betrayal, 2 core fours about to go into war, and 4 floaters in the middle including me and Alyssa. So unity is not what I need right now. Ok I think I just about covered it? BUT LIKE ARE YOU SCREAMING BECAUSE I AM Alright now I really gotta go/ woo fingers crossed! And things better be how I left them cause if this shit somehow goes 6-6 so help me God

JAYDEN:

Fr Fr the sheep came out. Madison is active af and hasnt spoken to me. HMMM. Honestly I may be going home it is what it is. I think I can get Randy Keaton and Jones together to vote with me. Hopefully Autumn and Alyssa still wanna work with me. I feel like thats the only way ima stay.

JONES:

I'm starting to think that Madison and Saxon are playing emotionally? Like,,,I totally get where they come from, but when I told them Mo was sus of them being together, they were immediately like "I kinda wanna vote him" but that's not (clap emoji) SMART (clap emoji) BECAUSE he's so likeable?? Especially since he's already on to the Oploop for Cullan alliance,,,like,,cmon also we shouldn't be throwing names out now or they'll find out like what happened with Kage?? Idk I'd rather take my time rn bc we have an entire day

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survivorathena-allstars · 7 years

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Episode #8: “I'll Fall on the Sword” ~ Charlotte

Let me be like my favourite simpson and Merge. GOD

UGH I THOUGHT WE WERE MCFUCKING MERGING JFLADKJFALSD ANYWAYS I GUESS NOT!!!!!! I'm happy with how tribal panned out but GOD this is an ugly turn of events! At least I don't have school tomorrow and the vote went how it should have. I was in auditions for over four hours tonight and I wasn't able to game talk like AT ALL but I love my allies and they covered it for me. I'm so happy! I think that maybe after THIS vote we'll merge or something... I don't know. Why didn't we merge at 13 if Duncan's power is like??? You know??? You can run and hide from final 13 to final 10 idk it's just weird. And ugh I just,,,,, I WANT TO WIN THIS CHALLENGE SO I DONT HAVE TO VOTE OUT RUTHIE OR KEVIN FDKAKFSD this sucks. I like them both. I'd rather Kevin than Ruthie but that might be difficult because of like,,, how this vote went down lmao. But it was cute how Autumn, Ruthie, and Kevin didn't even stick together after that 3-3-1 vote like WOW JFKDSJFLKAS iconic and I love it. Now I'm hungry and I'm gonna go eat something bye

I literally hate this task challenge with a passion I don't have the reaction time for it rip me and my life and my tribe

I'm forever an Emily & Owen stan but can they go to sleep. PLEATHE

Not to be full of myself but I did #that and more. I mean I'd like to think it was my move bc I suggested her name first so. Her vote said that I was like playing both sides but tbh I wasn't even playing her side at all??? (I accidentally forgot to message her skdkdkd) I just hope that doesn't like...marr my reputation, as small as it already is. Anyways I'm upset about no merge and just hoping we can win this challenge because we were already uncertain last time who knows what'll happen tomorrow night.

Plz ask for a mutiny so I can go to the other tribe even though they are losing please and THANK YOU

CameronI think I speak for the entirety of Loronha when I say I HATE YOU OWEN AND EMILY ________________________________________________________________ *narrator voice* he does not have faith in his tribe

If I was a Pokémon I’d be Ekans. Hiss hiss

Losing this badly is so hard to deal with after winning so well the last few rounds. I so desperately want to make merge, you know? And if this is the thing that does me in... well that would suck.

this is the most DISHEARTENING challenge, we are always just a second behind the other team and i am so frustrated and sad and everyone on our tribe is trying their hardest but it's just not working for us

I love losing. It's okay, I'll fall on the sword if we do lose bc I literally couldn't do any of these tasks because I am an adult and I have to work.

I’m really sad and disheartened and this is so so so devastating. This is the first time in any game where I’ve felt this close to a group of people and I’m so upset that one of us has to leave. We tried so damn hard and we were so close and I’m so upset and sad and I. Want to cry

i cant believe i won!!! im shaking!!! ali is the devil but we won anyway because god always prevails over evil amen!!! britain tell me how my ass tastes!!!! can we please merge!!!

I hate being mad like this. I hate feeling like I want to scream at people and tell them how angry I am. But that's how I feel, so I'm gonna put it in a confessional. Emily and Owen, I'm so sorry in the future and know that likely 10 hours from now I'm not gonna feel this way but. FUCK YOU EMILY AND OWEN. DO YOU FOOLS NEVER SLEEP? DO YOU NOT HAVE LIVES? EMILY DONT YOU GO TO SCHOOL? DID YOU SKIP SCHOOL TO DO THIS CHALLENGE? WHAT THE HELL!

I'm glad my tribe won even though I wish there was a mutiny where they could have lost a TON of points and lost one of their own in the 'Alliance Against Ruthie TM'

i cant fucking believe i got 5 points for steamed hams, and then emily said eggs was a fun fact and ruined my only contrifuckinbution! i still love her but kdjshgkjdshgkdjshhkj

You all know me as the heartless meanie who lost his shit multiple times during Azores, but right now I'm gonna fucking cry I don't wanna have to vote anyone off this tribe. Like I thought I felt bad before making the move against Madison or having to give up on trying to save Jack, but this is the absolute HARDEST thing that's happened yet. Even if it's Charlotte because apparently she wants us to vote her out, I'm still gonna be crying during this one. This sucks.

Someone from Loronha is winning this game. No ifs, no buts. We all fought SO HARD to win. So hard. And we all got so many points, despite the odds and just stuff being against us. With my strategy, any plans I had of voting against Dana/Will/Cameron? they are gone. I love them all SO MUCH, and have no intention of voting them out. At merge, the war on Atalaia begins. ________________________________________________________________ Like ugh I love me some Emily but come merge? Emily and Lily are outta here.

Thank GOD we won that challenge. I did SO MUCH and if we had lost I would’ve probably wanted Kevin to go home since he contributed the least to the competition at least from what I saw. And also, not to toot my own horn or anything, but I did SO MUCH for our tribe. Like whenever I was at auditions or sleep they were like,,,, we need Emily!! Like? That’s a good feeling. Don’t vote me out because I’m pulling my weight hehe! But also why the fuck did they need me so bad these things aren’t hard you just gotta be speedy!! Whatever. Also I cracked an egg on my head for no reason. I’m the queen of eggs though so it’s fine.

There's something especially depressing about the fact that Charlotte is so willing to go, whether it's because she really is truly over the game or she has stuff going on... It's just sad watching a pseudo-quit like this happen, especially coming off of last night's outright devastation. If y'all thought the Emily boot in Azores was sad (when literally everyone cried on live cam), then this is gonna be even worse - idk how but it's worse. But looking at the bright side, at least it's gonna get me through to the next round.

Charlotte has asked/offered to go tonight which I really respect and appreciate. I am so devastated to see her go though. Charlotte is an icon, a legend, an inspiration. She is truly the most justified all star in this cast. Come merge, the Loronha tribe is literally going to be F6. I'm speaking it into existence. ________________________________________________________________ God Charlotte going tonight is gonna be such a tragedy. But unfortunately a queen must fall for an empire to arise. Its time for the Loronha dynasty to begin.

Hi I feel awful about everything and this game is making me have a heart which should honestly be a crime. As long as I am not being tricked by everybody on my tribe (always a possibility, I am impossible to blindside), I think Charlotte is going home on her own accord tonight. I feel SO bad about it, but at the same time I think she would have gone home either way (idol plays aside), which I'm not sure she expected. Also i'm feeling kind of good about the game right now because I think the dynamics on both tribes are good for me going into a merge situation. 1) Will and Duncan aren't close, and I'm close with both of them. 2) Duncan is close with Zach, who I am close with, and will use for information and then vote out expediently so I can win (probably tbd). 3) I still have my alliances from both my tribes with most members in tact (rip Autumn a quen) 4) I didn't even have to lie to anybody yet.. Wig! I just withheld a lot of information, but weirdly, people have been spilling their game tea to me which honestly ya girl loves! 5) Everyone i'm working with wants Emily out and amazing because i sure do too. 6) Ashvika is close to Duncan and also mad that Autumn was voted out, me too girl. Ok wig I have more thoughts but umm this is all for now ladies. See u on the flip side hopefully xoxo

I have no idea whether I’ve done a confessional or not this round and ideally it’s not my last one. So Loronha finally lost again after WE DIDNT MERGE AT 13! *side eyes emoji* and honestly the tribe’s moral was shot, right in the gut. Like they all felt so bad about losing it must’ve beeen a rush to be a part of that challenge. Lots of emotions are out and people are in their feels. Apparently Charlotte is very okay with going home and says she has no ulterior motives. I wanted Cameron out first but if Charlotte is willing to go and wants us to vote her out, who am I to stand in her way? I ain’t shit. And I know if I was in that position I’d prefer to go home too. I just don’t think she was as invested as she should’ve been and she realizes that. It’s just sad and I hope she’s not fronting and that we Merge soon.

I THINK I'M MAKING MERGE GIRLIES!!!!!!!! So, with that, I'm going to talk about all the people left in the game and my opinions on them for merge because I've been slacking on confessionals this round!

Okay starting with Ali: Ali has an idol and I'm hoping I'm the only one that knows that still. I'm a little worried not being on his tribe right now because 1. he could build closer relationships with people that are not me 2. he could tell other people about his idol 3. he could tell other people I know about his idol. 3 is bad because then people will know Ali and I are very close. Though I haven't been discreet about any of my relationships in the game thus far, I guess another very out there tie to a player will just? Happen? I guess? I don't know. I'm definitely going to spill all the tea from our 3-3-1 6-0 vote because he's going to get the tea eventually and I'd rather it be from me. I also wonder how close Ali and Duncan are right now because I remember them being a bit rocky before the joint tribal, so who can be sure? I can't.

Ashvika: Really sweet girl and I'm glad we got Autumn out. Ashvika was wanting to save Autumn during the joint tribal and that means they were close, especially because they just played together. I figure Ashvika and Duncan are close because of what I know from Duncan. I wonder if that relationship is still in tact or if Ashvika is now closer to Will and Dana. I remember them being close for some reason. This could be inaccurate but? Idk.

Charlotte: I honestly don't know where I stand with Charlotte! I have no idea where her allegiances are and like? I just really don't know. I remember her and Zach being close but now that they're on different tribes, I don't know where she stands. And I also know that Duncan low key wanted Charlotte out in the earlier days of this game so like... she could be going out next because of her lack of allies and Duncan kind of wanting her out. I don't know how much power Duncan has over there. But also, Charlotte got Jack's vote last time Elaenia went to tribal council so... it's likely? I guess? I don't know. We'll see.

Dana: I don't really know much about Dana other than her and Will are tight. And Zach. And probably Ashvika. That's going to have to be a group I either 1. work with or 2. look out for when we merge. I can just like... sense it. But I also think that Will and Ali are close and then Dana and Zach are close and they're my closest allies so like??? Ali and Zach can probably keep me safe or at least differ targets off my back if my name happens to come up. And I like that!

Duncan: I love Duncan. He has an idol. Idk who else knows other than Ali and I. I hope that's it. Oh wait this is me remembering mid-type that I told Lily about Duncan's idol lol. FUNNY EMILY anyways. Lily probably won't tell. I hope she doesn't. Whew. I think Duncan should be okay 1. because he has an idol 2. because he like??? has a good social game?? I'm hoping to see him in merge.

Kevin: Honestly don't know how I feel about him because we saved him last round but he voted for Lily the round before and like... wtf I don't like that? fjkldsfalsd I thought he and Lily were TIGHT and then he just goes around and votes Lily out like WOW idk man. I know he's my secret santa but he's SKETCHY!!! If we were to have gone to tribal this round, I would've wanted to vote him out. I know that's flip-floppy because we saved him last round and kept Ruthie out of the loop but that's the truth lol

Lily: My absolute fav person ever!!! In a game sense, I would say I'm like ... 4th closest to her. Zach, Ali, and Owen are above her. But everything else I love her! She has that vote negator and I'm happy she FINALLY got something good from the arch*p*l*go!!

Cameron: Love him love him love him! I feel like we won't work together in this game though. Not sure why I just... don't see it happening? It might. We shall see. He reminds me to take my medicine every night. I <3 him. And for the short period of time we've been together in this game I've been decently honest with him. He was one of the few people I told before the Madison vote that I was gonna vote for Autumn rather than Madison just because she's my friend and it hurts :( so I'm hoping he's willing to vote with me even though he thinks I'm a major snake. God.

Owen: I was doubtful about him at first but I think I've made a genuine connection with him! I was like high key scared he was gonna flip on Lily/Zach/Myself for Autumn/Kevin/Ruthie but he DIDN'T and I'm so happy about that. I really like him and he's been very helpful in challenges so I'm thankful for that!! He's so sweet and we have a snapchat streak and anyone that puts up with my streaks is a blessing

Ruthie: I really love Ruthie and keeping her out of the loop last vote was really something dksjfkasld I'm sad that it happened but like we needed to just in case an idol was played or something. I hope she's willing to work with me later down the line but I think our relationship definitely needs some healing.

Will: Love Will and I really hope we can ACTUALLY work together this game! I know things were messy with the Madison vote but I'm hoping that that doesn't get in the way of our game relationship. Though me fucking things up with Ruthie might also hinder it... I'm not sure. I think Ali and him are close and I'm close to Ali so like? Yeah keep me safe Will xoxo. Will is also definitely close to Dana since she exposed some of his tea during the scavenger hunt. I would never expose tea from any of the people I'm not close with you know? yeah they're close. Her draft name in Azores was "Dana I want Will to win" and I remember that because I had to read it like ten times to finally understand what it said

Zach: I love Zach so much and he's my number one ally despite me not like telling him about either one of Ali or Duncan's idols lmao. Ugh I just love Zach so much and I trust him with ??? MY LIFE????? I'd go to rocks for him I love him. He's so honest with me (I think) and I just love him omgjdklfjaskldflasd god I love Zach he's great he's so sweet I can tell we're going to stay friends after this which is my favorite thing about him!! AHHHHH!!

Well this confession was super long and I started it around 3:00 and I'm just now submitting it (7:27 PM lol)

Charlotte becomes the 8th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 7-0 vote. You can see Charlotte’s preseason interview here.

#NotAllFunAndGames

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idksheepthoughts · 7 years

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Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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survivorcutthroat · 7 years

Text

Episode 2: “The queen stays queen for another day.” - Sherry

So I ended up cutting Nehe because I felt like I gained more from him going than from him staying. I know I'm almost 100% to blame for his elimination and although my dark side is loving it, I still feel bad....I view myself as a snarky hero not some heartless villain...I wish we had just won immunity ugh. But I cut him and that's the name of this season - cut or be cut. I just have to get used to the feeling - maybe I can take some tips from Matt???

Now that the first vote is over, I can get a sense of who all trusts me. I think Zack is thankful I didn't flip but he still doesn't trust me which was to be expected. Dustin seems to trust me but I think he might not be telling me the whole truth just yet - I'm starting to be skeptical that Seamus is lying about his vote....Amir seems to trust me too but I feel like he could be threatened by me? I dont think he'll come after me anytime soon but his tone kinda changed towards me when we talked game - he didn't realize how much of a role I would play I presume....for now, I hope a swap happens and I can go more UTR. I was a bit chaotic with this last round and I want to dive back down underwater for a while to disappear from any potential bulls eyes on my back!

THIS WENT PERFECTLY. I set up Ali and Sherry going against eachother even though I was the only one going against both of them. I eliminated an idol, kept my trust with everyone but Sherry, and got rid of my target of Ali. I wish Ali were here but this is a great scenario as well.

15 minutes later

Tribe swap and I'm so happy. We are nu YANGBYE which is the best tribe name around. I love these people but I'd also love to say "yangbye!" to them one by one.

Crow - Oh my god I get to work with chaos crow <3

Jaiden - I don't understand Jaiden but I want to work closely with him

Dom - YES it's my pal from whatever our starting tribe was

Zack - I quite like Zach but I don't trust him.

Liana - She doesn't talk to me very much.��

I'd like to keep Jaiden Crow and Dom around. The other two are threats and they're not on my side.

Wooooo okay so post tribal council and I survived!!! Nehe was great and a nice person but Seamus was in his ear and Nehe was going around saying that Zack and I are a final 2 and in the end I couldn't have him here anymore and my target ended up leaving so hehehohohahha

Okay now I gotta focus purely on social bonds because our tribe dynamic is weird as fuck. us 4 voted together to outvote nehe and Seamus...but now its just us 4 lmao which means if we go to tribal then kumbaya time is gonna be over and someone gotta go. My plan? Turn crow and zack against each other. Crow was the most hesitant to keep zack and zack has thrown crows name out there in the past

But other than that I fucking love Zack and I really didn't think I was going to during this game but if people are saying we're close friends when were not, we might as well align. Crow is still my husband, he's a lil sketchy but still my husband. Dustin is the only sane person here newfkj and I'm glad he's here and best case scenario is we don't lose the challenge and I get to keep my gays a little longer in the game.

Current people I still want gone in order: SEAMUS, LIANA, stevie, ali, tommy

This first tribal was interesting!! Winning the challenge I chose a tribe to go to and I got to vote with them but I was immune, such an interesting twist. It seemed like the tribe wanted to go for Sherry, which I did not really want. I end up talking to Sherry and she told me about the idol and that she was using it so to keep up appearances I voted for Sherry to vote in the majority, knowing what she was gonna do. Hopefully she isn't mad about that. Now Im on this new tribe and I have my old tribe as the majority so im feeling pretty good about this current position and hopefully nothing happens to ruin that just yet.

I MADE FINAL 18! We just swapped tribes to 3 tribes of 6 and now I left my Yangbye tribe and joined the New Sagu tribe with Cole, Stevie, and Abel who were on my original Yangbye tribe and Dustin from Magyi and Sid from Sagu. We made an original Yangbye alliance chat however, I don't know how loyal the people in that chat will be especially a guy named cole. For whatever reason I'm getting a strong vibe that cole doesn't like me or want me in the game long term so I'd be so down to get him out... I think he will be a threat however I also don't wanna just betray this new alliance but I don't wanna play dumb. I like Dustin and Sid to an extent, I'm not sure how much I can really trust either... For right now the two people I'm most trustful of on my tribe are Stevie and Abel, as for the rest of them I have no idea where their heads are at in terms on strategy of the game. I hope we just keep winning immunity, I really really don't want to go to tribal, I feel even less secure on this tribe than I did on my last one.

Ok, so the first two tribals that have happened pretty much didn't effect my game at all! I barely talked to either Nehe or Ali so I'm glad they are gone. They were nice but I didn't see anything in them. I feel like my lip sync will be good enough to get my tribe to winning this Immunity, I just hope we find someone who can edit because I have no idea how to edit at all. If we do end up going to tribal I should be fine as I made a alliance with the original Yangbye tribe! Also omg at sherry snatching everyone's wig with that first tribal idol.... My mouth is still open.

Anyways why was cole willing to let sid edit the video and willingly give him the power to be the first one with the finished product so sid can submit and get the idol clue when sid is on the bottom? He’s only fussing about it right now in the tribe chat bc i just pointed it out to him in pms. Like ik cole’s not stupid so i strongly doubt he would make such a dumbass mistake. Shady ass bitch.

[7/7/17, 8:40:47 PM] Abel:

[7/7/17, 7:27:03 PM] Abel: sis are we really gonna let sid get the idol clue [7/7/17, 7:28:08 PM] Cole™: I'm gonna try and get it

[7/7/17, 7:28:21 PM] Abel: whoever submits it gets it

[7/7/17, 7:28:38 PM] Abel: and if he’s editing it’ll probably be him

[7/7/17, 7:31:23 PM] Cole™: But like I did the most work

[7/7/17, 7:31:52 PM] Abel: one of us needs to submit it then

[7/7/17, 7:32:17 PM] Abel: like i would share the clue with you obviously but yeah its just easier for you to submit it

[7/7/17, 7:32:30 PM] Abel: and sid has the power if he’s making the final product

[7/7/17, 7:33:43 PM] Cole™: True, I would share it too

I have an okay relationship with dustin. Tommy i still trust. Stevie eh mostly. I would love to just coast on tribal lines/challenge dominance for a bit. Sid is the only person i have no relationship with and I’m not really interested in trying to make one like i’d rather just vote him out lmao. Like i said hi and how are you to him already and it was just so exhausting idk i don’t have the energy to fake another friendship rn. We’ll see where my paranoia with cole takes me.

I am upset that I'm separated from Crow Zack and Dustin and I'm also really upset that I haven't been on a tribe with Cole Sid Or Bodhi but on the bright side, I have sherry and I have rob. I have enough people I won't die at least.

ZACK IS MY SON AND I WILL PROTECT HIM.

hi it's me again hehetehe.

lemme just talk about last round bc im still a lil FUCKED up. bc some people got me FUCKED up.

Seamus is an ugly dirty little rat and if he really thought he would pull a fast one on ME.. he was SURELY mistaken. he can go back to fucking his cousin and eating his hay. he literally looks like he eats hay. like.. you're not gonna just try to get me out and think i'm not gonna say something.. and now he wants to come and apologize and act all innocent like bitch, please, save that shit.

anyways... i like my new tribe? like i'm not completely fucked here. i miss dustin and amir tho :( literally dustin and amir are my hunts like they really put there ass out there to help me and i appreciate that so much. i got their backs in this game. i hope me abel dustin and amir can all make merge and run this shit to the end.

ps- fuck seamus.

Really? REALLY? I'm used to being on elite tribes not amateur ones.....so after the tribe swap I wind up on the worst of the 3 tribes with people who seem to either be shy or just incredibly nonchalant. Liana just spoke like, today - Zack is still Zack and Dommy is sorta like that team member who's all talk and no game at this point...and Jaiden is just an ugly troll. The only thing that could have made it worse would have been seeing Matt on my tribe so I guess thanks for not doing that to me....

Like I understand we all have busy lives and this isn't an easy comp but I've been sitting in Iceland halfway across the globe with internet lag and cut-out quite often but I was willing to put time into this comp for my piece of it (I was legit going to do my lip sync in a RV bathroom - how iconic is that?)

But INSTEAD someone mysteriously submitted a dumb pre-made video to the blog (which is no "accident") which basically means we lose even though we never started.

And Jaiden, I know it was you. I can't tell if it's out of complete stupidity or mischief, but either way, you're in hot water sir.

Ugh, can we swap again? Pls? I can't do this constant losing thing it's bad for my ego.

Alrighty so there was no doubt I was going to get kicked off of my tribe before the swap. Luke, Jaiden, Sid, and Seamus? Jaiden randomly hates me (and my husband), and Seamus probably wants revenge for Zootopia, Luke is impossible to talk to. The only person I liked game-wise was Sid because he's really easy to get along with and I feel like I can actually trust him and he won't cut me, so to speak.

In order to try to rectify this, I figured I could gain trust with Seamus by starting an idol searching brigade, so I told him where I searched. He could easily lie about this and probably did but it's whatever, I'm trying (reasoning on this later). I tried to clear the air with Jaiden and we talked things out and I tried to find common ground with him (idk if it worked or not).

Seamus talked to me about me and him and Sid working together. Ever since the tribe swap I haven't heard from them so I guess that's dead.

I trust Stevie the most overall. I've been telling him my thoughts (lol contact him for confessionals). Stevie was actually my first ally in my first game so I like him a lot (he taught me how to be cutthroat). He told me about his and Seamus' idol clues, and how Seamus would probably lie about it (hence the earlier reasoning). He said that the clue said the number is the same on a clock (i.e. 1-12) but Seamus would probably say the opposite. Seamus has actually said nothing so anyway I continue to not trust Seamus.

The other tribe was ugly for trying to vote out my fellow woman.

wow so um... cole and sid are targets more info tomorrow

I think I'm good with my whole tribe. I trust mearl completely. I love rob and sherry the most. I don't think they'll vote me out. I don't fucking care about this challenge but I have to act like I do. I actually was willing to stay up all night and do the work and commit my night for it but I can't put in effort if no one else will. Yesterday when I tried to bring it up no one cared. I'm really drunk. Also um Seamus and I worked out our differences but like I'd still vote him out. Luke and I promised to work together but I'd still vote him out. I'll vote anyone out I don't give a fuck. Also Crow has been ignoring me for like all day. So it's clear he's only social when you're on a tribe with him, same with Dustin. I think I've decided I'm most loyal to Cole and rob in this game and maybe Sid and zack.

One minute later:

I AM GOING TO DESTROY EVERYONE

I WANT THEM ALL DEAD

I WILL END THEM

Jaiden accidentally threw the challenge for our tribe. THANK GOD. Now I don't have to do it. Sherry and Jaiden both fucked up for the tribe and the target is off of me. At tribal I'm going to be targeting Liana or Zack. Probably Liana. I have Jaiden and Dom with me 100% for now, and crow is probably gonna be smart and vote with the majority. Liana doesn't talk to me so she doesn't need to be here. Simple as that. Zack doesn't talk to me much either, but Amir likes him, and I think crow does too. Zack can go next time.

I don't even know what's happening with this challenge. I think I lost it by accident for everyone but they're all causing unnecessary chaos around camp so I need to just sit down and shut up. Tomorrow one of us will be voted out I'm assuming, so I'll do whatever it takes to make sure it's Liana or Crow and not me. As it stands in the game right now, I've been able to go on private calls with Seamus, Bodhi, Dom, and Tommy. I'd say those four are my closest friends and allies at this point (but I don't want to speak too soon since the game has only just begun). I still need to work on getting into good graces with the rest of the players I wanna work with this season, so we'll see how successful I am with that. Also, I think I've formed an alliance with Bodhi and Dom. Like I said from the get-go, I won't take this alliance too seriously because I know that they can kiss my ass in calls and PMs but still say only bad things about me in confessionals. I'll trust them only as far as I can throw them and see how things go if we do end up going to tribal. I think this swap worked out pretty well in my favor and I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

So before I came back to orgs this year the last ones I played were 2014/early 2015 and in those games I managed to go really far by doing the least and I feel like that’s what Cole remembers me as and I feel like he views me as a potential drag-along ally, one that he can always go back to as he makes shady deals with everyone else. What he doesn’t realize though is that I’m that bitch with the pristine memory and know he wins/goes far in so many of his games and knows that he’s been active all these years and knows everyone. Whether or not he actually is working with Sid, I just know he has a lot of connections in a lot of different places and in a one world season it would just be stupid to let someone like that reach a point where he can connect with others and fuck things up for everyone. ALSO SIS HAS THE NERVE TO BE A FLAMING FAGGOT IN EVERY CHAT AND CALL BUT WHEN HE GETS TO MY PMS HE SUDDENLY TURNS INTO BRITNEY’S MIC FEED! I spoke to Tommy last night and he’s on the same page and I don’t think it should be hard to get others on board…if we choose to do so bc I still don’t have any use for Sid at all whatsoever lmao.

Dearest Liana, Please speak to me. I'd like to not have an easy tribal! I adore going to tribal council, but you are making this too easy for me. With love, Bodhi.

I don't believe I've ever touched on WHY I throw so many challenges. The answer is simple. Tribal council is a wonderful group bonding excersize. If you can go into the merge with a group of 2-4 people, you'll have some people with as much trust as you can manage. There's another big facet to this, being that tribes that don't go to tribal council have a lot of time to stir up feelings of wanting other people out. People on cutthroat are going to be so willing to flip on their tribes it's not even funny. These people almost all feel like they have something to prove, and if you can just give them time to get bored, they'll be making big moves at the merge like no ones business. Tribal loyalty will not exist in that much of a sense on this season. One of the biggest advantages of having a tribe swap from 4 tribes this early is that there isn't the whole "day one alliance" that can sometimes unify a tribe. Everyone is on a tribe with someone that they want out of the game, and once those people get their ways, there will be new people who want revenge. Ideally, there will be one more swap, and neither of these first two sets of tribes will matter to anyone except for me and whoever I'm loyal too. I'm making ties with folks on the other side so that when we swap again I won't need to scramble or anything. I'll just need to sit back and watch people take each other out.

Well after that challenge fiasco, I still have little hope of winning immunity.....however at least we are submitting something semi-legitimate? I just really really don't wanna go to tribal again so soon....especially with so many quiet/shady characters. We have a solid idea in my opinion but it'll be a swing or miss sort of idea. As far as my tribe.....Zack says he's on my side and loyal to me til the end but A) He hardly talks to me on his own B) This is fucking Cutthroat Island Bodhi and I are supposed to be close but he's smart and tricky so I don't really trust him... Jaiden is a known troll but somehow one of the people I like?? (why do i find myself closer to trolls than norms..*ahem* Kyle) Liana is a fucking ghost. This girl just appears in the main chat once a millennium, hardly replies to pms, and doesn't even seem to care?? If we were to lose, my money would be on her leaving. Bodhi already suggested it to me actually.... Dommy is the chillest of them all and maybe will be someone I can use? But I don't know if he's closer to myself or Bodhi, which will be crucial down the line... Or maybe this tribe's flops are part of some mastermind machination to blindside me pre-merge. I don't even know at this point. My strategy pre-merge (considering GL pre-merge was....non-existent for me...) is to build as many bonds as strong as I can and go with the flow. Big moves that make your target bigger are p.o.i.n.t.l.e.s.s until at least jury! No one in finale talks about "yea that second vote where I flipped" cuz its so far in the past! The #1 goal should be survival - not control. Plus, the more targets that make merge, the better for me. Let the elite make it to merge and let the bloodbath begin while I fly through the underworld completely invisible to the finale <3 :D

And we're back! After Sherry pulling off a beautiful idol play round 1, I have a new vigor for this game! Amir survived his tribal as well! Things are looking good, everyone. But wait! I spoke too soon. Satan himself announced a FUCKING TRIBE SWAP. Okay, calm down, Sid. Now you have a chance to be with Sherry or Amir, right? Wrong. Austin's fucking Sorting Hat rip-off kept me on Sagu while Sherry and Amir are living it up on Magyi and Liana is stuck on Yangbye. What's worse, Nu Sagu is a 4 Yangbye, 1 Magyi, 1 Sagu split. WHAT STARS HAD TO ALIGN TO MAKE SURE I GET SWAP FUCKED IN EVERY GAME? I DON'T EVEN HAVE AN IDOL. (Speaking of, Sherry told me the clue Stevie got. Apparently the Idol is under 12 and Sherry found her's at 11. But, now I don't know why Stevie is giving out clues unless he found one. Hm.) But whatever. I'm screwed on Nu Sagu because Stevie is an egomaniac who I'm pretty sure wants me out, and I don't know who these other 4 are. Tommy said he'd work with me, but how much do I trust him? Or like even like him? Minimal. My only hope rests in this challenge, so I stepped up to edit our lipsync (And I think it can win us this challenge!). Also, the submitter of the winning tribe gets an idol clue! DOPE! Since I'm editing, I should be able to submit. Apparently not. Cole asks in the tribe chat if he could submit because he wants the clue. THE FUCK? NO I THINK THE FUCK NOT. I've been editing for hours, and all you had to do was twerk on camera for 3 minutes. And I doubt Cole is really a stranger to that, whereas I had to learn Movie Maker for this fuck-up of a tribe. So I said "yah sure" because I'm in a clear minority, but I have a plan. Even though I finished the video hours before the deadline, I'll pretend like I'm rushing to finish it. And in my rush, I submitted it on accident! I'm sure he'll see through my plans, but I'll have 2 idol clues, AND I think we'll have immunity with my video. Right now, I think working with Tommy or Abel is my best shot to survive if we go to tribal... ALSO P.S. Sherry, Amir and I have finalized our alliance. It's called "THREEVIL" (Three + Evil) and it is so fucking awesome! I love these two with all my heart. <3 <3 <3

This is some bullshit. I'm not about to do this challenge solo and still lose. Why did crow make a big fucking deal about it? We could've gotten a DECENT score on this shit and at least I submitted something???? Even fucking dom who is online all the fucking time isn't here to do shit

if Me getting that ottn5 edit this episode huh. I'll really go off at tribal council when the time comes because we're clearly losing.

Everyone the past few days:

https://68.media.tumblr.com/0590f2ef9171d9c120daa59db8f36233/tumblr_inline_oj6u3b7XBj1snhjdw_500.gif Me: Hey we should probably do this challenge!

Everyone: https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-09/22/14/enhanced/webdr10/anigif_enhanced-11075-1411411562-9.gif Me: Guess I'm doing this on my own...

This is what I've come up with so far! Everyone @ me because apparently it sucks: https://media.tenor.com/images/72c91bf233275e5da4c66dae418829e2/tenor.gif

Me, internally: http://68.media.tumblr.com/baebe363529713f2fdee2b9047d27d47/tumblr_osadyruIyd1rt5ctno1_250.gif ... Me tomorrow night after we lose this challenge and they unanimously vote me out: http://wwwimage.cbsstatic.com/thumbnails/photos/files/asset/10/00/35/45/bronte-big-brother-eviction.gif

Day 7 Confessional 4: Ugh okay so lots of tea to spill. So i voted in the minority on the special tribal and Nehe left which like doesn’t matter much. But then we immediately tribe swap and my new tribe is amir luke mearl rob sherry and myself. Amir immediately approaches me and tells me he is angry that i was telling Nehe that he and Zack were a final 2 which never happened. I finally convinced him that it wasn’t true and now we are golden and Zack and I half made up too. But basically from the moment i got onto this tribe i started desiring another tribe swap because our tribe literally sucks. Like besides Mearl Rob and myself they literally fucking suck. Sherry is so busy irl, Luke is MIA and im not surprised, and Amir has family issues going on. I kinda hope we lose this challenge so we can send either Luke or Sherry home, then we will have a better chance going forward as a tribe…. Also the winning tribe gets a idol clue and I think I am going to approach them with an offer that I will share mine (I’ll lie about what is says) if they share theirs! But yah as of now I am kinda hoping we lose so we can cut some loser out of this damn game.

So there was a tribe swap. Yippeee. No, not really. My whole original tribe ends up sticking together but of course I get separated. Thats alright, just means I'm going to make more connections I can use later down the line. Change is a positive thing right? Wrong. My tribe sucks ass. And I don't like sucking ass. If you do then think of whatever unpleasantry you wish instead. First impressions- Luke- Ugh. I voted him out five times in a row in GL. I have a feeling he isn't exactly going to trust me. I tried to strengthen a bond but it seems so artificial on his part. Amir- Seems like somebody that can be a strong ally. I'm glad Amir is here. Seamus- First impression tells me to watch out or Seamus but he is wooing me in... but I'm aware that his wooing is why I wanted to watch out for him in the first place. Rob- Don't really know. Blah? Hopefully a potential ally. Sherry- I had a good conversation with her the night before the swap (when it appeared she was going home) so was happy to see her on my tribe. I figured that she'd be somebody that I could utilize... well lady is crazy and forgetful because she forgot the conversation we had and was asking me about myself and telling me things about her that she had told me less than 24 hours earlier... like scroll up. You can play the mother card and thats fine but when you are a no show in challenges (seems to be a trend) I have no problem voting my mom out. So the first challenge comes along... the dreaded lip sync. I hate this challenge. Hate it. HATE IT. Its just so blah. I hate singing. I hate dancing. And of course I'm busy but nobody else is able to edit a video (or wants to). Whatever.. then it gets worse. People aren't even fucking sending me videos. Like they missed deadllines and just flat out ignore me when I ask if they are giving me anything or not. I tell them that I need to know so that I can start editing the video if I'm not going to receive anything but nothing. Like I have just as much content 6 hours before the challenge is due as I did 48 hours before but I wasn't working on it because I figured I'd get more. So now I need to piece meal together shit and find shit and try and make it look nice. I mean I'm a creative guy I guess so lets see what I can do. For this challenge all I received was a piece of poop so I put it between two slices of bread and I’m hoping the judges like shit sandwiches. I really hope my efforts pay off because I don't wanna be going to tribal yet. Im not sure where I stand but I'm hoping this challenge has put me in a good spot.

First things first, fuck my old tribe! they literally like...don't even attempt to reply to me since the swap and its becoming really apparent whos genuine and who will play nice just for the game so as far as I care, they can all leave I don't give a fuck. However, I hope zack and crow don't go over someone like liana at the upcoming tribal. people like liana stevie tommy crow etc are able to lie so convincingly and make it seem like theyre on your side like....they can literally lie like sociopaths and no one in this game is allowed to have that quality except for me so they can fking go! I feel like I have a lot of those relationships right now, like circumstantial allies. I feel that way about Mearl, zack, crow, dustin, sid, sherry and even luke The people I fully trust right now are rob and cole and MAYBE Bodhi. everyone else is dead to me. Also why am I the only Canadian in this cast full of American freaks me trying to fit in with the americans: https://vine.co/v/e1EFMxhDZOB/card?api=1 Psa: do you guys think im the type of boy who wont send nudes to stay safe in a game, because youre 100% wrong. I am an adult, if another adult wants to see me arse for an idol clue or some shit, ill take it! Also talking about idol clues "hickory dickory dock, the number you are looking for is on the clock" The idol is right under your nose I think its jungle 9. because table is under the nose and 9 is under 12 lets try that next time lmao abel is.....LIKE...not smart. sweet guy but he asked me to have a secret final 2 within like five seconds of speaking for the first time and then told me im a good social player who'll make it far. not the best way to make me want you on the island buddy I love flirting with guys in games because its like playing pretend when the truth is the only thing that turns me on is voting them all out http://68.media.tumblr.com/bf80ec6181ee7722e81fba5665a78426/tumblr_o319g3ZJhR1uwwhj6o2_250.gif

Well, I'm safe another week so that's good right? Still annoyed that my tribe didn't win immunity, like we did so well and we honestly lip synced and I actually slayed everyone in the lip sync.... Oh well. I want to win something, I want to prove to the community that I'm a strong player physically and not just socially. I'm just grateful to be here right now, I don't think a lot of people see me as a threat but I could be wrong. I just want to make jury right now and prove it to myself I really am a bad bitch!

Last round, I was an iconic mess. I was able to flip the vote against Sherry, however she played her idol and voted for Ali. BUT! because I was in the pool and I removed my vote in case anything changed, I self-voted even though I gave a vote a minute late about it was close so grr. It tied between me and Ali and everyone minus Sherry voted against Ali. Wooh! I'm ready for my CPN/M4 edit. I am devastated that Ali is gone I really do trust him. I connected with him and he had NOBODY. We swapped like I predicted and it's 3 tribes of 6. I am on the Magwhy tribe with myself, Sherry, Seamus, Mearl, Amir, and Luke. I think I am in a decent position on this tribe. Seamus I feel has a certain degree of trust in me, he thinks he can control which I'm fine go ahead do it. Mearl I've been working on getting him to like me and I think he might, I did a lot for the challenge I went all out and I've been praising him which he did a great job. Amir LOVES me and the feeling is mutual. Amir is just so much fun and I want to be like him. I want to be like Amir when I'm older. Luke... I'm on good terms with but I want him out tbh because I am petty and he's a threat. Him being depressed, is to my advantage and that sucks for him I guess? Sherry, I don't know where I stand with her, we said during the vote last time we should work together, and she knew Ali was going, but she's blowing smoke up my ass. I'll try to work with her, but I doubt I'm going to talk to her. If we do have conversations I see it being strictly game which I despise. The video is a lip sync and we originally did something that Sherry did because we were sort of reluctant to throw ideas and I liked it. I felt it was a song I could do and people at first were like yeah. The thing is, skype is a fickle fickle bitch. It updated and I asked if we were doing All Summer Long and i got no reply. I filmed my video which was lit tbh because I had my sister help me out and she's a theater kid (tm) psycho. I had it done and ready but then out of nowhere my messages update and I see at the same time when I sent the previous message they responded and they decided to change it to calling all the monsters. Like??? WHO THE FUCK CARES IF SHERRY HAS ALREADY DONE IT DO YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT THAT? HELL NO AND THEN YOU USE THE SAME EXACT FOOTAGE FROM HER VIDEO WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMBASSES STFU. Anyways we win because Mearl pulled God's work and I'm shook because Saggy's was so good too. Abel as Valentina ctfu. I saw yangbye's too and it was hilarious i loved it Heather did amazing. I heard it was mean but I don't really think so? I mean Jaiden got it from her youtube videos so it's public domain and people could gif it anyways from there. The hosts got pretty pissy though like they weren't bad at all imo I enjoyed all three of them like sure maybe Yangbye could have been more active in their video but it was still a funny product. I'm active and I'm not a threat so I don't think I'm in a bad spot. Goat me!

I don't feel great about this vote....but what I've heard from Zack and Bodhi is that it's an easy vote for Liana - but I no like easy votes cuz usually they aren't!

#AnyoneButMe

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frecklesandpie-blog · 7 years

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1.12.17-4.12.17

1.12 So I ended up not going to that event. But I think I'm going to try and go next week though . I think i am. My dad was great because I closed all my notes on time in my standards, and I left only fifteen minutes after eight which is like the second time i was able to do that. Many more to come. When i think about how overwhelmed I was I think the underlying thought was that I might not get over it. But if I think about what I did to get the things done, which is recognize my need to feel important and connected, realizing that I need to work on getting that need met in life rather than with client, recognizing my fear of rejection and criticism, and paying off by typing in sessions with clients, and doing that for the past two weeks since I returned, it actually didn't take as long as I thought to be able to get to the point where I wanted to be. A big portion of it was just psychological barriers. Now it's the weekend soon and I need to deal with the presentation and the paper. One thing at a tine tho I'm going to focus on remember ing stuff for the presentation first.

1.14 so I got over the presentation.the role play was fun, and I spoke fast for the presentation but I still go my points across and made eye contact. I think i did well given the limited amount of time I had to prepare . I'm heading home and I'm so excited to just lay there and do nothing between now and tomorrow noon ish. It feels weird to not be thinking about the presentation because that was my main preoccupation for the past few days. But in glad tho and very happy that I have free time. For this weekend I wanna work on that excel for intervention phrases. And organize all of that. I think. I also want to study or review the cognitive techniques. And finally just work on that family therapy paper. Yup . I will probably write a few pages . My main thing us napping for now. Yup.

1.18 The weekend was great. I got so many things done. And apparently at internship I am good enough note wise to be able to do some notes on my own. I'm sure other interns like Haley got that notice too. I want us all to be hired heh heh. Ive been nervous like all day today though. Nervous about first patient bc he seemed so intimidating . Nervous about the second guy bc he seems upset that I'm an intern but I did just conclude that without much evidence. And nervous about that other girl who seems so smart that I'm intimated by her too. And the n I think of all the nervousness I need to get through to become the therapist I want to become and that overwhelms me. I think of how I want to function better brain wise in my session too and I feel overwhelmed bc it feels impossible to me at this time. But then again a few months ago I thought managing the session time was impossible and compiling the notes was close to impossible. And being where I'm at risk assessment wise was also almost impossible and maneuvering epic the way I know now is also almost impossible. I feel like I'm slowly being sucked into their managed care way of thinking crap and I am not fond of that at all. Even right now I'm nervous. I think it's because of the celexa. It's gotta be that .

1.26 Hey there. I haven't journaled in a while. I think it's because I've been so tired and also busy with school and trying to enjoy my time that I had paper free. I feel like I've been quite distant from him. Or we have a quite distant. Like he's just playing video games and when he's not he's watching videos and we're not really interacting. It may be because we've been walking Chloe for the past 10 days and he's like a baby and needs to curl up and do his stuff when he feels overwhelmed by all the chores. But it's just weird. It feels like we havent been as interested sexually either. It maybe because of the Celexa. Which I'm going to talk to the psychiatrist about. Yesterday I went to an anxiety support group. Paid 9 but it was worth it. I realized from going to the group that when I have other domains in my life, it puts the internship and school and him into context. And I'm going to continue to do that. I think one thing that I have been reluctant to admit is that I've been getting tired of seeing his face and being with him physically so much. Like I need my space and I don't doubt that he feels the same way. Which is why I'm trying to go out more so that he also has his own time and maybe go out more.

I had a rough day at internship today. So many suicide work flows and assessments. I m frustrated they keep coming up with things to correct for me. Sigh. Really annoy but I'm going to see it as an opportunity to learn to do assessments accurately.my brain was just fried towards to end and my morale down. Sigh I was thinking unable to finish at 8 and ended up leaving around like 9:30 which I have to say I haven't done in around three weeks at least so that's good. Hopefully that won't be an issue since I will have regular patient going onwards next week and just way less psychosocials. I can do this. This is the environment that people work in. This is. It's true. So I will adjust to it and learn to adapt. And learn to manage my anxiety and tolerate it even since its not a stable enduring thing.

1.27 I'm feeling pretty sleepy today and down. Down probably partially bc he's going home today and won't be back til Sunday and he had some text from sal about a "beta invite" asking him if he wants to go. And those texts were later deleted. I don't know what a beta invite is but I feel demoralized that he hides stuff from me. I mean I already know he watches porn but what else? I also feel down because I have to go to the family dinner thing later and I'm dreading it.im dreading seeing them again. Having then evaluate me. Me helping with chores because I feel I have to please them. Mr dealing with the crap about oh yeah I'll drive you home and then making me feel guilty about not. I guess i don't have to feel guilty about it.and then that stupid fricken long trip. Taking those trips for like 20 years of my life is long enough. I don't need to d o more of it. See more hoarding . See more things I hate be reminded more of things I hate. I just wanna lay home in the warmth and nap and do nothing today so I have a break from everything . I am quite excited to have Saturday and sunday to myself though. Quite excited. I was planning to just chill today and do nothing while pursuing clinical interests on those days. I dunno.i feel kinda down though suspicious. @@dream We were living in my old house. Yamoni hasn't returned from vacation and we're worried. Chloe let out of backyard. Found toe.pretty sure it was his. Old lady came out of no where asking for us to support her and care for her for a bit. In wheelchair. We said yes. Then we moved to big house all of the sudden. Lost his toe in the progress.i found it amidst a bunch of stuff . Then old act suspicious. I followed her. Followed her to mall to a family event at the mall I was already going to . Saw that she was being suspicious. She got caught and was not actually in wheel chair. She got up to run. People got onto her. Turns out she killed him for his money and was taking our money this whole time. My family wa s there and I told him to act inconspicuous as if we were friends. some family event for myself. My mom said I told you so. She couldnt be trusted even though she totally trusted him. Then we went to some church event. I bumped into some old church acquaintances. I noted they saw me wearing glasses. Then i wento change into contacts. Saw a black girl in dark bathroom. Needed her to be there bc I freaked out.other people in big bathroom stalls were Asian. She was only black girl. Everything was really dirty. I was trying not to pollute my contacts.

1.28 Today was just an awesome day. Yesterday was awesome too. I'm not going to lie, him being gone is like stereo noise gone. Everything is so peaceful. I enjoyed it. Today I didn't pursue any clinical stuff.i spent pretty much the whole day reorganizing stuff in the room. Most of it was my stuff anyway. And then i put up the new shelf which is si beautiful .I m going to take nubs out tomorrow. And I'll probably pursue some clinical things tomorrow.

2.1 Hello there. I haven't been in the mood to journal as extensively for some reason. I was thinking about it today and I realized for sure that I do have stuff on my mind, it's just putting what's on my mind to paper has been difficult. Yesterday was my first day of class. How did I feel about it? Well research was good. I talked to people. There were people I knew. I think I wanna be friends with the Joe guy. I think. And then next was clinical 4 which was not bad either because I spoke with the girl next to me. I think I wanna try and talk to people more. Just like comments. Not necessarily conversation because probably like me, they're wondering who in the classroom they can trust or feel comfortable with. And me using my voice and smiling helps with their perception of me. I find that planning our even a few minutes beforehand what I want to say and how I want to portray myself helps. The last class was the one that's triggering. I saw two quiet people. Then I saw that outspoken girl. Maybe impartially jealous of her and that's why im hating. That's probably it. But I do want to make if a goal to portray myself as friendlier bc rhen I wouldn't have to focus my mind on making friends but just portraying myself as friendly. I think the goal or expectation of making friends is way unrealistic at this point. I think I need to focus on feeling comfortable with people. Or more like feeling comfortable being more friendly and outreaching with people. I'm going to my professional seminar class now. I hope that girl isn't there. I wanna try and be more friendly and not take unfriendly reactions or less than friendly reactions to my friendliness less personally. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. It doesn't mean I did anything wrong. I just met this person. It more than likely means that's the way that person reacts to me in those circumstances. I made it a goal yesterday of reinforcing my own boundaries at home and I feel good about it. I ended the show watching on my own terms and he played video games while I did reading .I quite enjoyed it because then , on my end, I didn't feel like I was rejected, and felt like I had control over what I wanted to do and felt the desire the pursue my clinical interests. On his end, I think it helps him feel less guilty about playing video games, and more free. Definitely more free. I imagine he probably feels the way I feel when my mom isn't saying things like are you going to see me this weekend? Or it's so late why you go home so late. It feels much freer when she's not saying those things and basically giving me space. Yesterday night was awesome too. I did the process recording. Spent an hour on it and then chilled for the rest of the night. Tonight is a late day. I'm scared that I might end up leaving later. And I really dont want to do that. I really really dont. Like from a 1 to 10, it's a 10 that I don't want to leave later. I'm going to try to not do that by ending early on my hour sessions. Like 20 min earlier. I'm excited to have no where to go on Friday. I guess that actually would help make up for Saturday because I have my allergist appt that day, I'll be seeing Kiki that day. And I kinda want to go to the party on that day. So I can practice going up to people and talking to them. I also can't wait to cut my hair tomorrow! The only thing I'm worried about is possibly feeling too exhausted by the time I see Kiki. But it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. I can enjoy my time with her. I really can. I can be in touch with myself. Be comfortable. I can. And then I can bring clothes to change for the party too and contacts to change later. For when I see kiki and go to the party. I can even bring a nutter butter as an incentive. Benefits of going? It'll be a learning experience, a practice experience. It'll have positive effects on my socializing in the classroom and at internship. I would feel more comfortable and confident with that temporarily (or not temporarily)added domain to my life. Yesterday I saw that Filipino girl in class. She's at one of the cool mental health clinics and I really feel jealous. Though when I think about it there are definitely both pros and cons to psychoanalysis and the so called evidence based practices. For one evidence based ones are in higher demand and more "popular" on managed care terms , though my interest does lie in psychodynamic orientation. Plus. It may be that she is learning that way if thinking now but I will too. I will take those classes and learn too. I will get there. Also if I had actually gone to a more psychodynamic place I would've sort of partially consolidated my prejudices towards the"evidence based " practices. And would not realize as I do now how useful and effective and helpful it can be.

2.6 Happy Monday.. I'm not too excited that it's Monday but I don't dread it to much either. I was going to do my process recording this morning but I realized that i needed to journal to clear my mind. My weekend was too awesome and relaxing. I did nothing on Friday. Then i saw mom on Sat and also went to a lunch class with Kiki. The kung fu class was interesting. But what was great was that I really felt like I did enjoy my time with Kiki. I originally wanted to go to a party afterwards but I realized that it would probably drain me way too much and that it was best to start small. Today though I am craving more social interactions .I tried to look to see if there were any meetup today but I didn't see any that interested me. Tomorrow I have a support group thing at 7 that I might go to. I might. Not sure. I'm thinking though that since it's at 7,the two hours before that would be a great opportunity to get homework done. Since on Friday I have all these appointments and will probably see mom then. That's what I'm thinking. Because if I get my homework done then then I'd have the whole Saturday to chill :D which would be awesome. When I think about Saturday I'm also craving to go to some social event. I think unfortunately though I wish it was me, it's probably the Zoloft and the new chemicals in my body that makes me crave this. Whatever though. I'm going to be on it for a few months and I'm going to make the best of those few months. Did I tell you how classes were? I think I did. I was and still am glad that I was able to speak up twice I think in two of the classes. That perfectionist girl right now is where I'm channeling my resentment unfortunately, but I'm not even acting out on it. Tomorrow i have classes again and I think I'm going to focus on talking more to people. For research I can talk to Kristi I think. For clinical I can talk to that new ish friend ish girl . I think her name is Jillian and probably someone else that class too. I want to because it's my last semester and I have nothing to lose. I just gotta seem Friendlier and people should be more likely to talk to me on their own too. I also gotta work on more eye contact. And then that last class is like the most intimidating . Let me brainstorm where would be the best place for me to ditto feel mist comfy... Probably with Tara ? But then in my head I think ew I'd be sitting with the quieter people. but it's okay. My goal is to be comfortable talking in class for that class specifically . I've been unintentionally thinking about ifh this past weekend even though it's something I don't want to do. I guess it's just the fact that they see me somewhat positively has given me hope that I could potentially work there. I know I'm just building my hopes up for half and half reasons but I'm going to allow myself to do that because its not like I'm not going to look for jobs just because I'm putting all my eggs in the ifh basket. Because i still will look for jobs. But now that they see me more positively there has been twice where my mind has gone to the place where I worry imight "fail" that image in someway. The thing is that it would be hard for me to "fail" that image because this whole time.. the things that I do and the decisions I make was based on my own standards (which I refuse to let other people label as perfectionist or "low self esteem") and was also based on my own desire and own drive and motivation for clinical development. None of it was based on their standards. Im going to brainstorm though and think about what some or thing criteria they have are that I met that has led them to see me more positively.. I stay later to be sure I finish my notes I mostly try to check off all the checklists of a note I am able to put in fine phone outreaches I reach out to Alex and Jennifer when it requires. I reach out to Tory when I have questions. I make sure I do all the suicide assessments with each red banner patient . I show self awareness with patients. Or try to. I show initiative in learning on my own. I try to write progress notes on my own standards. I checked the clinicians standards and previous comments before sending a note to them. I smile to other staff. In general I do. I try to manage my own care team by following up and doing letters and discharges. Which I want to continue to do.

I want to work more in managing my own care team. I want to work on referring to care management or something. I want to be more I do si assessments via phone with red banner patient s. I want to more readily reach out to other clinicians or collateral contacts. And documenting them. I want to work on being a little more talkative with other people and clinicians.

Yeah. In feeling nervous right now but I think it's because I want to poo...when I get home today I also want to work on reviewing clinical development. Possibly turning that CBT and act word doc into progress note language. Possibly ly. But that task sounds quite daunting right now. Maybe I can work on just a part, or small part, of one doc.

2.7 I'm not going to lie. I feel depressed. I talked to people in my first and last class today b it I also just wanted to fall asleep. I felt my mind going to the conclusion that I will never make friends. But I didn't conclude that. It was leading up to it because I looked around the room and saw how everyone was do different from me. Them and their social work values. And then i see people who are similar and I feel distained to associate with them. Last night I had a scary dream. I was somehow about to marry Roger. And my mom and his mom and the church was there and they called both of our names up. And I was like hold up. I f this marriage is going to work I'm going to have to talk to him first. At one pt I even looked in the crowd and saw cousin Alan and for some reason thought that it was a possibility for alan to tell Roger about my relationship with chub. And I told him I was in a relationship with him for 7 years. That I even had sex. That I don't want kids. That I want to do missionary stuff and he said okay we will still get married. And then i thought okay he wants to still marry me. I will just break off my relationship with him. And marry him. And my mom was look at us and his mom was looking at us. I hate the accountability and publicity and just the public life. I hate it. I woke up and I was like what? No he's already my husband. And I love him and would not do that to him. I'm ongoing to lie that a part of me does because of the Christian life and the public life andIt just feels like of free but also not free. It's 5:30 right now and I'm not going to lie I feel down. I just want to curl in bed. Which h gets even more depressing . I do though. I just want to curl in bed and eat junk food.

2.8 So I ended up napping until he came home. Well I guess before that I also watched a comedy show. I'm feeling okay today. When I think about me making friends though i m still inclined to feel hopeless. Though the fact is now at this time of my life I'm not even trying to make friends. I'm trying to just feel comfortable interacting with people. I think of how I'm going to graduate without having made that many friends and I just feel left out and held back by my social inhibition. I thought of how I have tomorrow at internship before the weekend comea and I'm just like eh.imnot really looking forward to tomorrow. But what am I dreading that's so bad? I guess one thing I know for sure I dread is having to do that psychosocial tomorrow before I leave. That most likely will take extra time. Though my goal is to limit the amount of time needed so that I stay extra the least amount of time. I then think about the weekend and I just don't even feel that enthusiastic about it. I've really been craving social interactions. O mean I guess if I really really wqnted to. I could go somewhere. You know what I'm going to go somewhere. Whether or not I feel like actually going to the actual event. And if I look on meetup and feel inhibited I'm going to really critically think about why I do not want to go. I think I've also definitely been feeling empty a little. In my soul. I definitely have. I was going to bring an intervention book to read for tonight when I'm on the rrain but I thought I'd probably feel quite drained by then. The other thing is that every morning. Most mornings, I get very excited about reading the intervention books at night, but rhen in general by the time I'm home I just wanna do nothing. I think if I feel the same way tonight I'm going to aim to just finish or get close to finishing the depression chapter tonight. I'm going to have an hour to do it anyway. Or at least half an hour? Or maybe not because I also want to do nubs humidifier and refill his water and maybe take him out. I think I might prioritize that but I'm not completely certain .

2.10 sigh I've been feeling bored. And maybe even a little empty. Today is Friday and this week when I get home I've just either been sleeping or pursuing clinical stuff. Don't get me wrong the pursuing clinical stuff is great because that's something that I had such a hard time getting myself to do, but it's like aside form that I don't have much excitement in my life. I've been thinking about going to do social stuff just to feel some excitement. When u go home he's just playing video games,then I feel bored and do my stuff and sleep early. We havent been talking much at all. It's like we are just two separate people living in the same room. Which I'm going to be fine with because I've been wanting to experience a break from him. I think the only reason I don't feel it's fine is because I'm missing the feel of connecting with someone. I'm sure this disconnection from each other isn't permanent anyway. And if it is still this way next week, then I'm going to see what this new way of living is like and what I learn and get out of it. But anyway I've been tempted in my mind to lament him not spending time with me but I'm not going to act on that. I think him pursuing the things he wants to do while I am home is a positive sign of him being able to be himself and feel at home when home. And I'm going take this feeling of lack of connection and do something with it by socializing more. Today tho I have just been at my dentist all morning. The longest wait ever. I'm going to the psychiatrist afterward and then the allergist before j see mom. He suggested yesterday to work out tonight. I think I don't feel motivated but it's something I want to be a regular part of my life so I think I might agree to it. I might. Not sure . I'm going to tolerate this distance between me and him because it's an opportunity for me to pursue life

2.11 I just went to a support group and it was pretty good. Too bad the guy charges 10 for 250. Well to be accurate, it was good in the sense that I did well. And now I am craving for more. I tried looking and I didn't see anything that interested me. I got this girls number today which was awesome. It makes me feel so empowered like I could just make friendquaintences with the snap of a finger. I feel like I want to go again to a social event tomorrow to make friendquaintences. Either to the board game one or the support group one or even both . I think my goal at this time is to make friendquaintences not friends. It feels great. It's probably the Zoloft so thank you Zoloft.

I would consider today to be a pretty productive day. I went to the support group, made a friendquaintance, Then saw mom for a few hours. It was completely enjoyable. I felt a bit suffocated bc I was reminded of stuff and then i started worrying about his mom and my mom meeting. But it's under control because I will continue to do what I am doing which is meeting my mom at places I know his mom won't be at and continuing to check where his mom is. I think I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. There's a job fair in like three weeks and I don't feel prepared for it at all. And so I've been binge watching this show for a few hours. I am quite enjoying the fact that he's not here but I'm also scared because it feels like we're getting tired of each other. And losing the interest. Which is really scary. It is. And it's hard for me to admit it. I'm going to make the to do list for the job fair tho. I am. I'm going to do it.

2.12 I made the to do list for the job fair and even worked on some of it. Pat on the back. I feel nervous tho. Why? I'm nervous because I also wanted to work on my clinical stuff too but now I also have this job thing on my to do list. I mean the job thing is obviously more important. I just feel like I'm missing out on clinical stuff I wanted to do and when I think about doing clinical stuff I feel like I'm missing out on job fair stuff. And then when I think of job fair stuff I'm like really stressed and nervous. What to do what to do... I was thinking that I'd spend the rest of the day today working on clinical and then start job fair stuff tomorrow since I'm so stressed so then that just continues to keep the stress about the job fair at that level, if not increase it. So I think I might do a tiny bit of clinical? I dunno .

2.13 I ended up working in my resume which felt awesome that I worked on it. I'm glad for my anxiety because it alerts me to what is most important and priority . Did I tell you that I also signed up for a Bible study group. For the first time I made it public that I am married and it felt really scary. The reality is still scary to bear. I wasn't excited to go to internship today.but when I think about Wednesday it wasn't that bad. I quite enjoyed it and was able to finish my notes in time. I think I feel bad because i need to continue working on finishing up my notes in time. Especially in the morning because otherwise im quite backtracked. I'm going to work on that today. Hopefully. I think I just dreaded it because I ve been used to associating the internship with the stress and not being able to pee when I need or fill my water when I need. Which is all the more reason to work on ending my sessions early or on time. I'm glad I decided to work on the resume thing yesterday instead of pursuing clinical stuff. I think for now, I'm going to push pause on clinical so I can work on the job fair stuff. At least pause it until I feel working on clinical would give my mind a break or pause it when I feel I really want to skim the clinical so that I know what to do. I think I'm a bit in denial of the fact that the job fair is a legitimate thing I can get a job from. Like people and agencies legitimately go and put their stand there because they know msw are graduating and they know they want to hire people. I have experience. I pursue clinical interests in my own time. I have books for it too. My worry now is that I remember looking at some of the jobs and some seem to include case management or children. Yuck. I hate both of those. Well children I don't genuinely hate, I just prefer to get in touch with my hate for them as a defense. I'm going to be sure I get people's numbers especially Jillian's tomorrow during class . I wanna talk to people about the job thing too.

2.16 I got Jillian's number and this other girls number. The girl is named Tatiana. I was watching her talking to this other girl and she seemed so relaxed . I was eavesdropping and I wish i was that close to someone. I think of cyclical psychodynamics and I wonder if I'm missing something that plays a big role in connecting to others. Like maybe being more vulnerable and reaching out more with a balance.l instead of kind of putting up my guards. Though I must say I have let down my guards a lot since I took Zoloft.a part of me wished that I achieve this myself, a part of me is grateful for the changes and have decided to make the most out of it while I'm on it. It's better to have established friendships and then deal with the sa rather than the other way around. I'm going to an anxiety group later. I'm excited. Tho a bit worried that they may cancel the group because there's literally only two people going. Me and this other girl ans the organizer but I'm going to take that as an opportunity to be able to talk freely with strangers and try to make friends. And then I'm seeing Paul. I didn't see him last week because of the blizzard and it was okay. I'm not sure what to talk about today. I am not. I've been feeling very awesome during the mornings lately. I think taking Zoloft and sleeping earlier has definitely been helping with that. Also praying and listening to the Bible in the mornings. This morning I was in a good mood and I thought of the job fair and for the first time ever I was excited about it and saw it as a great great opportunity to talk about my skills and what I've learned and how I'll contribute to their company and to be the best version of me. Even if I don't get a job it will be a great learning experience and I'll get a lot of our the experience. Especially the psychological ease of knowing that I've done something. And overcome such a scary thing. These days I go about my life and I'm like oh wow this is how people who aren't enslaved by anxiety go about their lives? It's such a relaxing life. O realized that this is the happiest and freest period of my life aside from the time when my innocence wasn't knocked down yet. Like I am free from my family. I have control over when I want to talk to mom. I have control over join8bg church groups, socializing opportunities, what I want to do when I'm home. It's such an awesome period of my life. I get to do and say what I want to my family without have to suffer from the repercussions of it.

2.21 I've been procrastinating for the past two days on my job fair prep. It just feels way too overwhelming. The fact that there are so many companies I have to prepare for. The fact that I don't even know what it's like. That I've never been to q job fair before. The fact that when I think of competition like Courtney and Hailey and Hannah I just cringe. I don't know how to convey the impression that I am better than they are in anyway. I feel like they are totally on the same level I am. I think of mhsc and it just feels like I'm taking a total gamble. And then i think of the policy video I have to do, the research paper and the problem statement and I just feel overwhelmed. Coupled with the fact that I've been feeling guilty for not seeing mom this past weekend and having to see her this upcoming weekend and also not wanting to see her.ivr been watching shows all day and I feel crappy. The thing is that I've been doing fine on Friday and Sat but didn't start procrastinating til Sunday.on Sunday I got this flash of panic of not being able to do well. I think that might be when I started to freak out. Coupled with the fact that I have freakin dumb process recordingsto do tomorrow and having to do stuff with him tonight. I just wanna curl up in bed and Kay here forever while the stronger me prepares and deals with the job fair. And then I'll wanna come back out again and face the world.

2.23 .I feel like I wanna just lay in bed and crumble up. Whats the matter? I have a job fair in two weeks and an interview for ifh in two weeks. I thought the job fair was enough and I was already worrying about whether or not I'd be able to handle that. But now there's an interview too? I spoke with Alison yesterday about her interview and it was way too much for my mind to handle. I mean I have the ability to think of cases and how I handle them and the ability to consider and use evidenced based practices and describe them but it's two much for two weeks. Oh I sure do not doubt that i'm over thinking the job fair. Maybe all I need to do is cone up with a description of myself and my experiences. And then give them my resume. My goal is for an interview anyway. The ifh interview is a great opportunity for the interview experience you know? Yeah I agree. It's just I have this fear that I'll just get overwhelmed screw up the job fair and then get stuck at ifh or worse not even get the ifh position and just feel stuck. I hate feeling stuck and trapped. Sometimes I feel stuck and trapped in my own issues other times I feel stuck and trapped in external circumstances. The worst that can happen in my mind is that I don't get the ifh position and Hailey does and I'll then just feel unworthy compared to her. Feel that i'm not good enough or something.

3.2 Okay. Hi. Guess what's going on.. I have a job fair tomorrow.im signing a lease tomorrow.. and I have an interview on Monday. I was quite overwhelmed and complaining but you know what it's great that I have time tonight to prepare more. I want to work at mhsc. I do. I'm overwhelmed and nervous because I have aderral in my system and because I found new info about thrive that I want to be able to know by tomorrow. I'm also nervous about whether or not my "pitch" is good enough. I mean at it core I just need to say all the things that meet their requirement so it's not that difficult. It's not difficult at all I would say. I just need to say it a couple of times. My most important priority is mhsc and then community health and maybe sus. Maybe. And also worried about this weekend.. jusg seeing all those new questions for the ifh interview really threw me off. But you know what it's okay because I can use old experiences. I think it's definitely doable. It's just me doing well with mhsc tomorrow so I can fully focus on ifh. One thing at a time. I'm focusing on mhsc tonight. What do they want? Willingness to work with high need communities. And I will. And prior experience with primary care. Etc.

3.6 Hey there.. I just left ifh with my dog collar unfortunately. I interviewed with them today and was actually able to say almost all of the things I wanted to say and wasn't like almost unable to breathe either. I just questionwhether or not they were impressed with me because there weren't many laughs and Laura talked about some part time jobs instead of full. Jennifer also checked out at times. Sigh. Whatever I really did do the next I've ever done on an interview and now that u have this experience I wouldn't have to prepare as much for my future interviews. I think I'm going to apply for mhsc for sure. Sigh. I don't want to do it after i grt home but I'm going to have to because I need the job. I'm also going to look into the other jobs that people mentioned to see what I can get for interviews. I feel like I've fought the hardest part of the battle and I think that if i don't have a full time job in the end then i most likely will at least have a part time. Which is good enough for now because that's better than being jobless for sure.

3.8 I feel a bit out of it. I don't know if it's because I was so full on mode into preparing the job interview and now that it's over in like what? This is all that I had to deal with in life befoee the interview happened? And everything seems so underated. Yup that definitely contributes to it. The other thing is just me knowing that my next steps are preparing for the mhsc interview and moving. And maybe applying to other jobs. The thing about the mhsc is I'm scared f8 start preparing for it because I haven't even gotten an interview invitation. But you know what preparing for it befoee hand and then getting the invitation is better than not preparing and feeling completely stressed immediately after they notify me. So I'm going to start on that. Whats the coat anyway? That I get disappointed? Well that's okay because I've been disappointed before. I keep thinking back to the ifh interview and feeling I did almost nothing else. Almost. Nothing else. But slayed it. But at the same time I'm scared to think that because of their poker faces and because of what Laura said about the part time job and her stropping me when we got further into the next steps. I mean me feeling bad about rhat isn't going to do anything so what I'm going to focus on instead is moving and the mhsc interview. I realized after speaking with them that i would SO rather so the same exact work at mhsc even if they have the same unrealistic expectations and learn Chinese more and have a new superviaoe than continue at that hellhole. Hah. Maybe that's why I'm dreading going there today. Because I've just been calling it a hellhole. Hell hole hell hole hell hole.today is Wednesday and I'm probably going to get home around 9pm tonight. Tonight I'm going to start thinking about the next steps for the jobs. Before tonight I'm going to respond to that Amanda lady. I honestly don't even want to talk to anyone else at the job fair except mhsc. I think I'm putting myself in a rabbit hole tho because I'm just really limiting my options..

3.13 Hello there love.i was wishing for a day off this week so so badly and now I have tomorrow off which is awesome. I want to do my interview stuff but at the same time I feel like I'm doing a gamble because I don't know if I'll feel motivated. If anything what I have learned is that my motivation builds as I start doing things and get into it. I really hope they call me for an interview though because its been exactly one week .

3.16 I ve been so out of touch with myself and my thoughts. Proof? Look at how short my entries are. I'm going to make an effort to be in touch with the thoughts today . So I'm going to internship now. I called out yesterday because I just didn't feel like going to class or internship.plus the last time I actually called out sick was last semester. Calling out sick once this semester doesn't hurt. The reason I called out though is because I've been so absorbed into the fact that almost all I want in life is about to come true. Balcony. Bunny. Own place to walk around naked and do whatever I want. Own place where I can sing where ever I want. No one knows where I live. It's too amazing to me. And I'm just so excited that the fantasy is about to come true that I find it hard to contain myself. And to even focus on the potential interview . When I think of my excitement tho, it's kind of dampened by the fact that he still is going to wanna go home. Like I feel like I'm competing with his mom or something -.- but whatever I am going to appreciate the alone time. Like really really appreciate it. The only reason I could contain myself enough to go to work today is because I only have like four patients in total. And then i plan to leave. If they decide not to hire me..it would be because I had a stupid doctors appt on monday and couldn't stay for a patient. I do sort of regret not staying tho. But whatever. I've been not worrying as much about work because he got his 9000 back and so I feel I have back up. Worse comes to worse I'll do fee for service . It can't be that bad I think ... I just need to get my lmsw . And I can even apply for the other jobs. I spoke with like three places and didn't get to talk to them. It can't b that back. I can't possibly have cut my ties to the rest of the world by not sending thank you emails to like three agencies. I can't wait to leave and pack today. Like I can't even wait til therapy is over. I regret not calling out either . Sigh. Whatever I'm sure I'm going to get something out of it . You know what's really scary though? The fact that im so caught up by all of this that it scares me to know that none of this is permanent. I feel the pull of worldliness and materialism. I want to use what I have to glorify God. I don't want to not want him. I don't. And I will start once everything I settled . Though for now I am praying .

3.16 So I'm heading to therapy now. So glad the day went by so quick. So glad. I'm glad I enjoy my job and that it goes by fast. I don't even know what I'm going to talk about in therapy. Probably my excitement but then also frustration about how mom still asked me why I didn't see her and proceeded to tell me about this old lady. And then kept asking if I have bf. Maybe I think in myhead that having bf means I abandon her. I don't know how tot think of it because I did crave her affection less after i got with him. And it's just so annoying. And in going to tell him about the interview thing.maybe maybe not. I dunno

3.18 I am so excited about this interview opportunity. It seems like the interview is only half an hour and I will need to convey all my strengths in half an hour. I will need to check off all their check boxes in half an hour. I will review all essential interview questions and internalize them so that the essential points and strengths are communicated. This is a great opportunity but it's not a big deal if I don't get it .I will just get another job if that's the case. But ideally because I already have this opportunity lined up. I will do my best to maximize my chances of getting it so I can also maximize the amount or number of opportunities available to me. It is 11:16 right now. I'm going to make tea and drink jugs of water today. I am going to track. Not judge.but track what I spend every hour doing today. I am so blessed.i don't deserve this apartment but now that I am here.i can focus on the thing that I need to focus on it.i can postpone all apartment things until after. No rush. I have all that I have ever wanted and needed and now I can focus on job.

3.20

I feel so exhausted. Today is my first day going to Manhattan from the new place. I hope the amt of time it says on google maps to get there is actually the amount of time. If it is, it's about 10m more than the usual amt of time but the trade off of a new neighborhood and mom not knowing where I live is so so worth it. I found out yesterday that the sunlight in the apartment is actually different from the old place . Here, I get direct sunlight in the morning as opposed to the majority of the afternoon. I'm a little disappointed but if I think about it, if I got another apartment with the sun in the afternoon I would be wondering what it's like and how awesome it'd be to have sun in the morning. So I'm going to be happy with it. I'm going to enjoy it . I do enjoy it. I am and want to be a morning person. I think I am just especially extremely exhausted today because I only had four hours of sleep. I feel so worried because I'm afraid they won't approve my interview time on Wed. Sigh.

3.22 Guess what?! I did the mhsc interview. That's about all the jobs I will be interviewing for until I get a lmsw and then apply for other jobs. I am so amazingly glad to have gotten that over with. I don't think I did poorly. They seem to be impressed by my evidence based therapy skills. Well .I guess if they place me in a sucky place then I'll just go with ifh.i mean I don't know what im talking about because I haven't even gotten a rejection or acceptance. Either way I'm so excited to go home and enjoy my new home without worrying about the interview stuff:) it's too amazing. Way too amazing. I see Paul tomorrow and have the allergy appt tomorrow. I just cannot wait to be home and do nothing. This is too amazing. Way too amazing. Thank you God. Thank you God. Thank you God.

3.26 I went to bed at 7 because my freedom allowed me.but now it's 12 and Im hungry and I've just been dreaming nightmares. My last nightmare was the nightmare of my life. Pregnancy. Having to explain myself. Being stuck with him who only acted like another child for me to take care of. Being exposed and know by people who told my family. Having to make up lies. Being stuck with a child. Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. I don't know if it's because I'm hungry or what because if that's the case I'm going to eat something. I feel so free. So so free. Free to hang out. Free to be out late. Great you proud of yourself? I lied to get myself out of having to see my family and to have to go all the way back to Queens village. I hate the trip. I just hate it more than I would like to admit. But that doesn't give me an excuse to lie. No excuse is an excuse to lie. I lie way too easily. And way too readily . Well now it's 7:34 in the morning and I'm just here. I'm seeing dad tomorrow evening. Then going to yamoni on Tuesday to fix up stuff. Wednesday I have stupid internship. And Thursday I have paul. Friday I have that training. I guess I'll just see mom on Friday night. I guess. Or maybe Saturday after i see Kiki? It's 12:30 right now. I pretty much slept from 7last night til now. O think I just am not use to not having anything urgent and pressing to do. And so I just don't know what to do with myself. I've been having horrifying nightmares too. Nightmares of me being pregnant. Her finding out where I live. Her finding out his name.horrifying.horrifuing.well I woke up to a dream life and now it's 12:30. What am I going to do for the next day five hours? No idea . I thought about doing aswb but I don't completely feel like it. Plus I'm suppose to be on my break after doing all that interview stuff. I thought about hanging out but it's just really gloomy outside. It really is. Maybe that's also why I'm like melancholy.

3.27. I really don't want to write this entry but I'm going to make myself do it. I've been frustrated and annoyed at him for spending so much time playing videos games. Staying up til 3am. Defying me for when I made the commen that he looks like Jerry when he does that Asian face . It makes me mad because I see his face and am reminded of the fact that I am stuck with him. Him and his face. Which is so awful and shallow of me but that's how I feel. And it pisses me off that he is proud of it and doesn't want to change it and is resistant to any of my attempts to change it.

4.4 okay I'm really going to try and sit down and write this journal entry. I'm going home now. today was a chill day. I made a new friend. it's the Asian girl I was judging and avoiding. and we somehow happened to become friends because she's also interested in Psychodynamic. I'm really considering attending an institute. but I want to first get confirmation that I can work at mhsc first.. which should be in two weeks. I don't think it'd be too late to apply by then. I'm going home now and originally I was going to take take a nice bath but I changed my mind and no longer felt like it because then I'd have to spend money on additional stuff. my materialism is really growing and I will take this apartment as an opportunity to manage it

4.5 so spending time Journaling didn't work out last time. I got distracted and decided to give it a try again next time which I am doing again right now. it's Wednesday and I am so so excited for tomorrow to be done with because then my break comes. I am really excited. I think when I go home I'm going to organize my desk because it's a total mess. otherwise I've been good. I accepted the ifh position but if mhsc accepts me than I'm definitely going to take that instead. I've decided accepted 50 50 gamble for a good place is better than being at a place that i know will be 75 % way too much to handle. it's just not necessary. and if the 50 lands me at a place that I don't like the pop or with just as high expectations than at least I took the gamble and get paid more. I'm hanging out with Kristi for lunch on sat. I'm excited for that. I have been finding my self in a state of excitement and anticipation to talk to people in class. which is awesome. like seriously I haven't felt this way since high school. the difference is that in hs I was fake happy but now I'm genuinely myself and I have no idea how I have been able to get to this point. it's just too amazing to be true. way too amazing. I find myself feeling so moved by it . I think I actually have a few friends even though they may not be close regular hang out friends, they're still friends. mollie, Natasha, tara, Jillian, yunan, vicky, hailey, kiki. and I'm actually going to go to redeemer community group on monday. I just think I've been postponing things for too long. I feel ready to join and talk to people and be connected. I am married and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have things I want to do during break. mainly study for the exam but I'm afraid I'll fall into a state of not wanting to do anything. I don't know if I'll necessarily feel that way though because I feel like I've just been having a different outlook on life. it's been shifting is all I can say. I'm waking up, enjoying the view, looking forward to go home, looking forward to talk to people, right now even all little bit of looking forward to see mom. I definitely want to call dad. looking forward to joining the community group. looking forward to hearing back from mhsc and if not it's totally okay. looking forward to getting licensed. I don't have anything debilitating anxiety pr fears of getting stuck . getting backed into a wall with no way out. I go home and my journey is most chill. not dread. I'm not feeling fatigued or tired until bed time. before I would feel that way around 8 or even earlier. I can't believe I am capable of living this kind of a life. or that this was even a possibility or option for me.

4.8 notes for Paul from mom interaction you're like your dad . so antisocial and such a loner youre growing more and more into your dad everything I say you don't want to hear. sooner or later you aren't going to wanna hear me talk at all . you're going to not communicate with me. And you'll just forget about me. yeah you're a giant human being I'll just forget about. and I'll forget about you too because I'm old and I'll have alzheimers it's not called gossiping. it's called communicating. then what's gossiping. I'm not talking to you. you'll just not listen to me. I am trying tp teach you what's right and wrong and how to reason . and you won't listen. tell me what you think it is and I won't argue. you're telling me that I'm not communicating with you. here I am trying to. and you're refusing.

dream: not being able to go to conference. couldn't see the map and missing stop. then conflict with mom. 6e silent judging. thInking abt asking him marriage. thinking about asking paul to see me .

4.12 I'm in the middle of break now. the first two days was a lot of laying. I definitely barely studied for the lmsw exam. I think that since I'm going to have to study it anyway, I might as well treat this as if it's a vacation. it's just hard stripping the thought of having to study away from my mind. stripping the though away that I'm wasting time. but u think it'd really benefit me if I could really focus on relaxing and enjoying my time off. I've just been feeling depressed and not like doing anything on monday I just laid around. and slept. and then yesterday I laid, went to hone depot and then laid again. I still have a hard time believing that I'm living the life I'm living. I think of before when i was dreaming about apartments. I thought I'd be content with just a one bedroom apartment with sunlight. or I'd be content with just a small balcony . but now I have a one bedroom apartment with this amazing view. with a bus that goes directly toanhattan where I don't have to deal with the jam in the morning. with a balcony that's 9 ft where I can sun bathe til noon. where I get morning sun. where the water pressure is amazing. where there are no roaches. this is more than I could ever ask for. where there's a local park. I sometimes question in my head whether basically anywhere away from mom is somewhere where I'll be happy. but it's not just that. this place is just sincerely literally undoubtedly amazing. God what did I do or deserve this? I didn't do a thing and I don't deserve it. anyway I have just been not feeling like I'm on vacation. before I was looking forward to chilling at home. doing home decor. but I haven't been feeling it. which is a good thing. I don't want to be tied by the collar of materialism. but I also haven't been feeling like doing the olive oil shower or painting. I think it going to try some behavioral activation on myself and probably make a smoothie tonight. I'm exited for that :)

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