#and also i completely understand being anxious about being annoying but know that theres no way that you'll never be annoying

[evil-dsmpconfessions]

Sometimes I'm like "am I being too annoying with twinduo on main?" And I stop talking about them then I get asks questioning if something happened since I haven't talked about them and I'm like "aw hell yeah people like it lets gt back to my sillies" and then im like "what if its annoying" the then-

.

[just-more-trolls]

dumb fantroll ask meme, odd numbers for wyllow

Ok so this is gonna be Long’un I’m gonna put everything under cut

1.  Biggest pet peeves? How much do they annoy you? Are they bad enough to be a deal breaker if someone you were interested did them?

“okay so..im a very patient person and i understand self-loathing..”

“but i have my limits..im not here for a pity-party please dont lament how much of a pathetic asshole you are expecting me to help you only to ignore any advice i give you and continue to lament your shitty life where nothing good happens ever ok???”

“...ok so that was..a rant...uhm...my pet peeve is when people don’t want to crawl out of the pit they’re in..or downright refuse to..mainly because they like the attention..”

3. What are your turn on’s turn off’s? 

“tha-..thats a little personal hello?????”

“i choose to not answer that!!”

5. What is your least favorite and favorite parts of your body? Any feature you pride yourself on? Then least favorite would you change it if you could? 

“my favorite parts? uhm..my horns i guess? and my hips”

“my least favorite are my eyes because i need glasses to see..id change that if i could i guess”

7. What is your least favorite food and why? 

“i cant stand bitter greens like baby spinach..or kale..its just not what my tastebuds like..”

“and venison makes me legitimately ill..like bad stomach ache levels of sick..”

9. What are any tics you might have? Any nervous habits? 

“under extreme amounts of stress ive been told i get the antlerbeast-in-headlights look complete with freezing..”

“im real bad about picking at the skin on my fingers especially if im real anxious..to the point of bleeding sometimes..but it keeps me from picking on the threads of my clothes until theyre unraveling..”

11. What is your earliest memory? Is it a happy or a sad one. 

“my EARLIEST memory is of finding my ancestors hive..and consequently also finding my ancestors journals on herbology and botany..and its a happy one because its what jumpstarted my own career in it~”

13. If you could have any super power what would it be? 

“i want to command plants!!”

15. What would you do with the ability to see ghosts? Would they scare you or would you be interested in them? 

“id ask them about their life..or help them move on if they dont realize theyre dead..id also keep journals of everything i was told; preservation of history and all that”

17. How good a liar are you? How often do you lie to others. 

“i cant lie for the life of me..like ill withhold the truth but straight up lie?? id die from the guilt.......or by the hands of whomstever i lied to”

19. How far would you go to be perfect? Are you ok with flaws? 

“perfection is an impossibility”

“...that being said uhm..that depends on the..flaw i think..and flaws are subjective..that being said if a flaw is actively harmful to the individual or anyone around them im not as okay..if that makes sense?”

21. How much do you sleep? What is your typical night time routine? 

“a full eight hours~! night time routine is typical: wash up, brush up, jammies on.. i have a cup of tea before bed and i read a little until im done”

23. How good are you with choices? Is it easy to make decisions or do you struggle with them? 

“i...suck at choices if im under pressure to make them.. decisions arent too hard but if there’s weight to them its definitely a lot harder on me..”

25. What is the worst thing you’ve done to someone? Do you regret it? 

“..........theres not a night goes by i dont regret it”

27. How good are you with computers? How much do you use them in every day life? 

“fairly often! i mean im no savant but i know my way around a palmhusk or a tablet”

29. If you knew you had less then a sweep left to live how would you use it? 

“probably by myself.. id quietly wrap up my assets..tend to my garden up until’ my final night before laying myself in the largest patch of flowers and herbs to be consumed by the earth as a way to give back”

31. Which would you prefer you dying before your loved ones, or them dying before you?

“uhm..probably them dying before i would..to spare them the grief”

33. What are your stances on the spectrum? 

“in a social standpoint or a biological standpoint??”

“biologically i lowkey enjoy the diversity..how each group has something unique to them like the lower spectrum of trolls having a higher possibility of psionics..or purples with chucklevoodoos..”

“socially i really wish there wasnt such a divide..and its not like we have a choice in the matter were forced based on our blood color to fall into a certain level of financial and social hierarchy as a form of control and division..”

“honestly if i could give away all my money and not automatically get a refill i would..”

35. If you were empress for a day what would you do? 

“upend the status quo and dismantle the hierarchy..”

“..also give lowbloods a lot of money to live comfortably so they can begin the careers they wanted to do but never had the means to do them”

37. What do you fear loosing most? A possession, your senses, loved one, ect?

“the thing i fear most is losing someones trust in me...to irreparably damage a relationship with no hope of returning...ha..”

39. What is your biggest dream in life and how far would you go to obtain it. 

“i dont know...im pretty content in my life as it is; i have my shop..my garden..my hobbies..i just wish i had someone to share all of this with i guess”

41. Are there any people in your life you miss? What would you do if you could see them again? 

“....apologize..”

43. Do you consider yourself a material troll? If giving up every thing you owned meant eternal happiness would you do it?

“as cluttered and material-filled as my hive is i could give it all up if it meant id find eternal happiness..”

“..that being said i do fear losing everything ive worked on because i..kind of lack a fallback plan..”

[bisognamorire]

Beloved and dearly missed A.,

Happy Friday!

I am unsure what you would think of me writing these, because isn’t this kind of ‘not letting go’? But I thought: for me it is in a way, because I’m not asking for a response or acknowledgement and whether I type it out or not is a bit of the same, because I would tell you in my mind, if I wasn’t writing it down. I always want to talk with you. I always miss you. And you know I am always delusional and pathetic.

Two days ago, I had some nervousness inducing conversations with my therapist about me being dissociated most of the time, up to the point that I even dissociate in therapy sessions and can’t really process or understand/accept what is being said to me. And that I feel anxious to ask questions because I worry my therapist might not be honest to me when I ask her to be upfront (which is ofc my own trust issues) or might feel I’m annoying her.

We then looked closer at that cycle of dissociation and anxiety. I felt horrified to see how torn that inner insecurity (almost a grappling for the perception of reality between the “trauma brain/adult brain”) makes me feel and act at times. Sure you remember. And to get a sense of all the potential damage that volatile dynamic can cause others and myself.

This week has started with many people calling in sick to work, so I was obliged to take on more shifts than I originally had. Needless to mention that that isn’t very pleasant. I feel rather knocked out by this week. Patients and coworkers have been rather rude too — it reminded me of the time you worked in the city museum front desk. I, too, experience the general public’s madness everyday. So many bizarre things that I can’t possibly write it all down or remember it. I was once asked out of the blue, mid conversation, by a grandpa whether I was wearing a wig. An other patient complained to me that his taxi was taking too long to pick him up, but he apparently hadn’t even called one (?). Then the general babylonic discourses with russian people who are unfazed at me telling them I don’t speak russian and who proceed to speak russian anyway… 🫨

Im just constantly tired and exhausted— it reminded me of that little sketch you drew of yourself of rotting in bed and saying ‘surely theres a better way to live my life than that’.

Yesterday I rolled over in bed and stared at my wall. My blanket had wrapped around my torso tightly. I remembered you hugging me like that in the bed you had set up for me in your room on that last night and just began to cry horribly.

Not all that I feel can be expressed in words about all that.

I’ve also not slept very well all week and woke up in the middle of the night. I suppose dad and you are haunting me in my subconscious.

But — on to more ‘joyous’ things.

You know how I read up about the Somerton Man (scary) and I was very intrigued by the process of identifying him and just the mystery around that ‘Tamam Shud’ from Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat in his pocket. I had wanted to have a copy of that for myself (there are such nice editions with art nouveau illustrations which you would surely appreciate too) and went to a nearby antique book store after my massage last Saturday. They had a battered 1913 copy (unfortunately without illustrations) of it and some of the poems really resonated with how I feel.

Heres some of my favourites:

Three days ago the rest of my Yamato Cosplay unexpectedly arrived in the mail, so I took some joy out of completing the costume for now. I feel like my inner transmasc oni was turned outward finally! 👹

For my birthday last year Sharon’s boyfriend gifted me a box of Basilur Green Tea assortment from the russian supermarket in front of my house. I usually don’t like green tea, so I only tried it recently. In that assortment they had a few sachets of milk oolong tea, do you know it? I love it now. I drink it with two or three spoons of sugar and a bit of milk. Its not as irritating to the stomach as the Earl Grey I favour, maybe you can try it? ♥️

While we are on the topic of Earl Grey — after I have completed a cosplay of Transmasc Oni Yamato (my alter ego) I am now thinking of doing a Ciel Phantomhive or Pinocchio from Lies of P cosplay, just because they’re both giving off that assholish midget horse-lady Laurent vibes, which — as you know — is also my alter ego 😏

I’ve been doodling a bit in the evenings after work (I’ve not drawn something in so long, and why? for who?), and listening to anime openings etc. Sometimes I wonder if it is a bit cringe that I still gain joy from the same things I had when I was 13, living with my parents back then and feeling utterly lonely (still do). Here are some of the things I’ve drawn:

The first one is depicting how I feel when I am experiencing an episode of mania (also, also, blood thing/our Laurent, self insert?). I called this emotional state ‘Archangel’, because it isn’t actually me, or thats how it feels at least. It is this righteous entity, that is entitled to anger and vengeful feelings. He is 100% sure his feelings are justified. I don’t often experience the archangel or that inner ‘surety’ of my own perception, of reality. But when I do — not only does he feel anger, he also punishes me bodily for — by proxy — feeling anger through him. He humiliates me. It is almost as if I was taking on the persona’s of the people who abused me as a child. Who disallowed me from standing up for myself, and who discouraged protecting myself from them, who disallowed me from feeling angry. I am not allowed to be upset.

I’m sorry if thats tmi and makes you uncomfortable, you know I’m always too open.

The second one is Romano and Antonio in the traditional clothes of the Fallas Carnival in Valencia. This year is the tenth year anniversary of me first visiting the city (I can’t believe it! I have memories of 10 years ago!!) I booked a one week vacation there for March to go by myself and finally see the Fallas! Valencia’s main festival! I’m very excited to drink Horchata de Chufa and draw some Antonio/Romano doodles and take naps. I also booked a tour to see the atelier’s of the artists building the statues, that will surely be interesting. I already wish I could send you a postcard, but I’m not supposed to, am I? Maybe I will get one anyway and just post it here and then add it to your little box of things I keep.

Again, I’m looking forward to rest and play my video game on the weekend, when I am off (I’m currently trying to level myself up to take on that acid monster in the Cathedral of St. Frangelico) 🙄

Thinking of you fondly at the sight of the stars & moon,

your Sabo

[sscoutregimentss]

i know we as a collective society believe in gamer! eren supremacy. and yes, this is a good take. however, may i introduce to you: normie/fuckboy/jock eren with gamer/nerd gf. thoughts under the cut (safe for work, pg-13, also slight snk spoilers for season 3 and up!)

see, eren isnt necessarily a fuckboy. in fact, hes very loyal! he doesnt really think that way about any girls or guys except you. but hes popular romantically and had a reputation for sleeping around before he met you (not that theres anything wrong with that but ya know word travels fast across campus). plus, cmon the dude is in a frat, super hot and has a tongue piercing. he cant blame anyone for thinking he is a fuckboy bc he exudes the energy.

you are kind of the complete opposite. you dont really enjoy parties and you keep to yourself. you're a total wreck when it comes to flirting and your kinda oblivious to whenever people like you. you dont have many friends and are a bigger fan of 2d people than 3d.

either way eren finds you so so so cute. he first approached you at one of his frat parties. your roommates convinced you to come after she said that someone (read: connie) had a dance dance revolution mat, but you kinda just stuck around in a corner staring at your cup once you lost them. he looks you up and down-- your outfit was pretty cute, a short plaid orange pleated skirt, dress shirt, orange cardigan and black beret laying neatly upon your head. and your face... he couldn't help himself but try to talk to you. you were really anxious because wahhh scary sports guy you dont know but he was kinda instantly comforting? in a way? and he was freaking pretty. he looked like a final fantasy character--long haired characters were your type. the rest was kind of history.

a lot of people are shocked when they find out your dating bc you two are so different (some people are surprise eren “dates” at all) but no one dares question your relationship when they see how much eren dotes on you. he has so many polaroids of you in his wallet-- from the many arcade dates you bring him on where you decimate him at almost every game, you awkwardly posing in the hentai section of bookstores, or just candids of you being intensely focused on a puzzle in a game. whenever you guys go out to eat and somethings wrong with your meal, he'll send it back (in a polite way, of course, but hes still assertive.) or if you buy like a figurine and its misisng something hes marching up to the cashier stand for you. he always has an arm around your waist or is holding is hand in yours. sometimes you just cling onto his arm and rest your head on it (hes comfy!!!!! and you are always tired) your both pretty clingy, but you get kinda awkward when you two are around people you know so he just kinda subtly holds you as to not make a scene. its nice. hes comfy.

youve got dual monitors, a pc you made yourself, rgb keyboard, the whole nine yards. all your consoles are up to date and you keep a handheld system on you at all times. you spend most your weekends watching anime and movies and tv shows and your shelves are piled high with books and comic books. eren literally does not understand any of it. when you told him you built your pc he goes "you made all those microchippy things? youre soooo smart babe". when you talk about some of your weirder or more complicated animes he nods along but honestly he gets so lost ("so like, lemme get this straight, the kids dad's wife ate his mom?" "yeah but like she was turned into a titan so she didn't realllllly know it was the dads wife, but like she literally walks past this titan shifter so i think she knew." "thats crazy.") and he will never understand the point of otome games when hes literally right there. he actually has a really bad habit of getting jealous of characters you have a crush on but you just find it funny. sometimes he gets an ego boost when they look like him because even if they look like him he is actually real so they can suck it.

hes rlly supportive tho. erens a rlly passionate person and he loves you a lot so he pours a lot of passion into what you do. if you are into esports/fps games hes cheers you on all the time and does all the raging for you ("BABE THAT GUY IS STREAM SNIPING! HES STREAM SNIPING YOU HEY ASSHOLE STOP CHEATING OFF MY GIRLFRIEND" "eren he cant stream snipe me because i dont stream" "oh i thought that just meant cheating"/"WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL HER?" "eren its okay i can just report him" "NO NO LET ME AT HIM IF HE WANTS TO CALL YOU A BITCH I CAN CALL HIM MUCH WORSE" "um guys im gonna mute my mic for a second if you need me text chat") if youre into cozy games he likes to watch you play and gives you ideas on where to put things. like in minecraft he makes you put a second bed for him even though he doesnt play and he helps you name all your pets. you get a little less intense with cozy games so you sit on his lap and he lets his hair down puts his head on your shoulder and points at where you should place stuff. he still rages though? this is eren jaeger we are talking about. ("aw, she wont move to my island." "WHAT? who does that little ugly squirrel think she is? you think youre too good for MY y/n's island? i'll shave your unibrow off. then we'll see what island will want you" "leave hazel alone! shes cute!"/"dude that hamster guy with the glasses looks like armin" "graham? what? armin doesnt even wear glasses" "no no look at it more" "oh shit youre right") rpgs/otome games are kinda a wild card with how he acts. if its an otome game and the character looks like him he is more into helping you out because it reaffirms to him that you find him good looking but otherwise he is just sulking and calling them annoying ("princess y/n... i know im just a servant, but i want to be with you forever!" "pft. get a load of this guy. clingy much?" "its romantic! youre jealous.")

one of his favorite things to do with you is cuddle and watch anime. usually he lies his face on your thighs or chest while watching and you play with his hair or he holds you in his chest and you play with one of his hands while the other goes behind his head. he grew up on some of the classics like naruto sailor moon one piece pokemon and dbz but he never got super into it until he started dating you. you put him on to soooo many good shows (cartoons, anime, and live action) hes both a crier and he is a get-angrier(?). he gets mad on characters behalfs and you have to pause the show so he can rant about how annoying someone is or he feels so bad for someone so he has to take a minute because hes tearing up. he likes slice of life anime because the friendships <3 theyre so wholesome and they remind him of him armin and mikasa but he also likes shounen because it is entertaining to watch fights. he gets really into them actually. he also has this really bad habit of whenever there is a character with no parents or a dead mom he goes "oh same" or "welcome to the club buddy" under his breath. when theres a cute couple in an anime you both like guys get matching keychains of them unless one of them dies because he thinks its bad luck. his favorite animes are haikyuu, your lie in april and code geass.

you are equally supportive of erens volleyball career. you know all the rules because sports anime and you actually find yourself really liking it in 3d as well (it is lacking in bromance and screaming but you let it slide). you go to all his games and he always texts you before his practices. has a habit of kissing you before games and one day after he kisses you go "gg ez win" as a JOKE but then they like decimate their long time rival marley university and get into nationals (is that a thing for volleyball idk sports) so hes convinced its because you did your "gamer magic". now every time after getting his good luck kiss he interlocks your pinkies and you go "gg ez win" and he goes “yes.” because to this day he doesnt know what it means (he thinks googling it is like breaking the magic)

okay im gonna stop while im ahead BECAUSE I COULD TALK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY I MIGHT JUST GO AHEAD AND WRITE SOME ONESHOTS....

[forgiveness-in-the-misery]

Toki’s Psychological State Through the Seasons

Toki is by far for me personally the most interesting member of Dethklok; I know to some degree he’s deemed as a potentially over hyped character by fans and even the show itself, but there’s countless reasons why people cling onto that character, and they’re good reasons. Even if said reasons just come down to “I think he’s neat.” that’s valid.

For me I am so fascinated with his character development, personality, and the varied chunks of background information we get about him throughout the series. A big part of this character is that when you look at him in season one compared to season four he is very different or at least he appears to be much different. Season one does establish that Toki does have a childish personality, his bedroom looks more like a room for a kid than one for a guy in his 20s. Season one establishes those basic facts about him that do heavily carry out through the show, but also increase as the show goes on.

Toki goes from immature but not overly immature to....a complete fucking wreck by the finale of season four (before Doomstar) and the reason for it is simple; it’s trauma.

Toki starts to act differently in season one after the Dethfamily episode; he spends practically that entire episode in a catatonic state, his parents always looming nearby like figures of danger and doom. After this we do get to him being bitter about being seen as immature and seen as the kid of the band (despite the fact he was barely 16 when he joined Dethklok) and when a charity informs him that a dying girl wants to meet him he turns into a complete prick. He finally comes out of that when he sees a video the kid made of herself singing a song about death and hatred, with that scene we see a small flashback of Toki’s childhood; him about the little girl’s age standing out in the snow staring up at his parents looking confused and a moment later he’s being smacked across the face. 

We could already gather beforehand when we found out he came from a very devout religious sect outside of Lillehammer that his childhood was sketchy, plus how he locked up when around his parents, but seeing the flashback of him being hit as a little boy.....Answers the obvious question of “did they beat him?”

Season one is the least eventful of the seasons. Season two is when shit begins changing drastically.

Season two Toki receives a call to inform him that his father has cancer and is on his death bed, the family and the church wants him to return to Norway to see his father. He acts completely fine about this initially, the phone conversation and the way he announces his father’s terminal illness to the band is as if somebody just asked to borrow his car. When it gets close to time to actually go and when they are in Norway it’s different though; he becomes anxious and clearly uncomfortable, in Norway he stays in town mostly, stalling around places he went to as a kid and a teenager before he ran off to America. 

He does handle his father’s dying well once he finally convinces himself to go inside his house and see him then follow through with his father’s dying request to carry him up to his old childhood home (which goes wrong because his friend’s are dicks.) 

I am not going to go into personal detail at all and my situation was nothing like Toki’s (it’s incredibly rare to hear situations like that anymore), but Toki handling his father’s passing freakishly well kind of was a red flag for me, because I know from my own experiences that when you find out something complicated like a terminal illness or the death of your abusive parent theres’ a chance you may respond way too calmly to it, and then later down the line days or months or years later something will trigger a big reaction to it. Which is what happens.

After handling his dad’s death well we get the most iconic scene involving Toki at that point and honestly still the most iconic; he beats a man to death with his bare hands. The thing that triggers this is a hallucinated image of a rabbit, an animal he associates both with his father and his childhood, the image of it triggers him to fly into an insanely feral blind rage taking it out on a guy who had been annoying him all night. Toki has always throughout the entire series shown signs of being a tad violent, but never THAT bad. Sure he shot down a plane and had accidentally caused a death or twenty (the whole band is, it’s part of the sacrifices to the Gods deal) but we had never seen him before or after that moment beat somebody to death. That is new and it came from a place of pent up....shit. Shit he never worked through and even after that continued to not work through.

Because after this we lead into him worsening further; he begins drinking. A lot. The band consist of dudes with addiction issues, mainly alcohol, but Toki never seemed to drink quite as much as them until after he went feral on that straight edge guy. 

Toki deals with his childhood trauma in several ways:

He drinks. A lot.

He focuses on fantasy and daydreams to keep himself from focusing on his past.

He spends a lot of time with Dr. Rockso who takes advantage of his kindness often, he also spends gross amounts of money bailing his clown buddy out of jail. Constantly.

He occasionally gets violent, but never to the point of manslaughter.

Seasons three and four are when we get fully introduced to Toki acting like a kid more than a guy in his 20s and it makes sense. Toki didn’t have a childhood; we learn that his parents essentially made him into a slave at a young age having him do pointless “chores” like sweeping snow during a storm, carrying stacks of wood much too heavy for a small child, etc. and when he failed to work quickly enough or failed a task they punished him. They punished him by locking him in a shed, they punished him by chaining him up like an animal, they punished him by smacking him, by beating him with a bull whip, and worst of all (who knew it could get worse) they would force him to stay for long periods of times in a deep hole dug into the ground. A hole where he hid a clown doll made of twigs and straw, the only friend he had as a little kid.

From all that we can gather through the show he didn’t exactly have a social life of any kind until his teens, the older he became the braver I think he became, and that was responded to with worse violence from his parents. I think the statement in season one about a vision of father killing son wasn’t totally off, I think if Toki had never run away from Norway that his father would have murdered him. I think his parents knew somehow that he isn’t entirely human, they knew he was something else, and I do think his parents had plans to kill him before he could become “too powerful”. 

That aside though.....Once we the audience as well as his friends find out far more details about his horrifying childhood Toki changes. A lot. He’d already been immature and a tad bit off but he regresses further after that, more prone to depression and outbursts, clinginess, and a need to feel like he’s loved by pretty much anybody.

This is a dude who is about my age that came to the horrid realization that any person or animal he loves will die because that’s his “gift”, the gift of death. He works his ass off to repress and rationalize a brutally nightmarish childhood, and the guys he’s in a band with who he loves and sees as his family....are dicks. We know that when he joined Dethklok before they got famous that they were all close, but when they began becoming popular and became immensely wealthy the others became more focused on self indulgence and power, less focused on this still a child who desperately just wanted a family.

I think a key factor with Toki being the way he is comes down to the band’s “no caring” rule. A rule that only existed because of Magnus. Toki is the baby in a group of people who have known each other for a good while, people who came to an agreement to not give a shit about each other for a reason they never explained to him because it’s too painful for them to think about. I think he always tried to live by that rule of not caring, he tried to bury all the shit wrong with himself the best that he could but he was never good at it. It’s also clear they all care about each other and they definitely care about Toki; Nathan and Skwisgaar often being the most protective of him. 

In season four aka the season where the show becomes less of a comedy and more of a drama with stunning animation. Toki is immensely more immature and awkward, he’s clingy with the band especially where Skwisgaar is regarded. Near the end of season four he’s completely fucked up; he splits his time between Rockso (his comfort object) and Magnus (a father figure to replace Nathan) in the dinner episode which has so much going on in it. So much. Toki is at his lowest point in the series; he shows up late, drunk as fucking hell, shirtless, and covered in bruises and cuts. Rockso is with him and when Charles tries to tell him Rockso shouldn’t be there Toki goes into a full fucking anxiety attack until Charles tells him it’s fine to have the clown there. Toki’s heavily dependent on Rockso by that point; his found family is quickly falling to shit. God knows what kind of shit Magnus might have been feeding him about the band at that point. 

Toki’s entire thing from day one/the pilot of the series is that he just wants a family. When he feels like he doesn’t belong in the one that he found and was taken in by he searches for family in other places, when he can’t handle the memories of his childhood he spirals hard. I understand that the guys didn’t really know how to handle it after they heard about Toki’s childhood so I can’t fault them completely for just.....shoving him off onto Rockso after that, but I still think they should have tried to be there for him more so, more directly. I think an outlet that isn’t a drug addled clown might have helped him in some way, I think if when he’d been a teenager if one of them had found out about his upbringing and just pointed out “that isn’t okay, at all.” then things might have panned out differently. 

Mental regression isn’t uncommon when it comes down to victims of trauma caused by extreme abuse. Especially considering his trauma all occurred basically from the get go; he was a child slave, the closest I would guess he ever got to having a childhood when he was a kid was seeing other kids childhoods. Going into town and seeing kids playing, sneaking into birthday parties just to be around other kids his age, etc. and he definitely was childish as a teenager, but I think he tried to bury that side of himself when his bandmates started teasing him or pointing out how unmetal it all is.....But then a douche bag journalist brought his parents to America, a little girl died, his abusive father died horribly (as he should) in front of him, he beat a man to death (allegedly), etc. 

He spent a lot of years away from all the trauma and the death and the bull shit then suddenly it started piling on top of him again and his escapism was fantasy, clinging onto a junkie clown, partaking in childish hobbies.....because why not? 

Each member of the band suffered some messed up shit when they were kids and it shows in different ways, this is Toki’s way of dealing with it....or not. I’m not entirely sure what his psychological state would be post Doomstar; the way he bounces back from immense trauma makes me think that he would be okay given some time and that’s a safe assumption to make, especially now that his bandmates/family will be there for him the way he needs them to be.

I want to tag @theidiotwiththepaintedface who hopefully will enjoy this painfully long deep dive into a character’s psychology lol.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Response to an ask from Ophelia:

(this is the out of context paracosm one!)

Ophelia!! Hello!! I'm so glad you're feeling a little better. I meant to remind you on the last ask to drink fluids and rest, to take care of yourself in general. But better late than never, I suppose. And of course, you're not annoying me at all so there's no need to apologize

And I don't think it's an annoying idea either! Actually kudos to you for having a list of things, even if it is incoherent. All my information exists solely in my brain...actually wait I think I drew one iteration of one of the main characters in my own paracosm. Oh! It's actually still posted on instagram, wow (this one. the character has changed a lot since then and has a bunch of tattoos/scars, but didn't at the time so they're not in that drawing)

(and no problem with cutting things out! it's completely understandable, and I just want you to be comfortable <33 and also I'm putting it under a cut for space!)

that being said...I am so curious about these out of context quotes oh my. once again i'm kinda just spewing out questions in response you don't actually have to answer them tho!

if he's not a ventriloquist then what could be possibly be!! how did he get mistaken for a ventriloquist. is he lying to people about being a ventriloquist because that's an impressive thing to fake

vampires, you say? my interest has been piqued. I'm totally normal about them (no I'm not). okay but like what iteration of vampires are we talking here. do they crawl around with considerable speed quite like a lizard (dracula)? do they sparkle in the sunlight and angst over their monstrous nature (twilight, but specifically edward)? do they pass for human and go out in the sun but need to mix their diet with human food and blood while being extremely flammable (i've forgotten the specifics but that's what I remember from the simon snow trilogy)? Like I said, I'm very normal about vampires

oo there's employment in this world of yours...is that within or outside The Shell? does The Shell have jobs? What does a person do with their time when inside it? but that poor tired employee..,

are they...a fake person? not a real person sounds like a warning label, like the "not meant for human consumption" kind of thing or "not safe for children" so my brain is interpreting this as a warning

and they're right to be scared! staircases will get you. honestly the ones that get people the most are the smallest. in my house theres a slightly raised section of the floor right in front of the door like a platform that requires a single step up and down, and visitors trip over it all. the. time. which isn't great when the majority of people who visit your house are old

rice cakes! I don't think I've actually had a rice cake before now that I think about it. wait maybe I have. okay looked it up I have not eaten the puffed rice cakes, but i have had the other ones. google is just calling them asian rice cakes

I think she deserves to fight 100% of the time. I don't know her but like that number is close enough to 100 that it seems only reasonably to bump it up. what does she want the other 10 percent? is this a situation where she's loving the other 10 or where it's not a want to fight but a want to murder and it adds up to 100% violence

wait you're so right frozen grapes are so good. like the variety of different consistencies...so fun. also great when your grapes are no longer taut and are instead slightly squishy, which is unsatisfactory. just freeze them and no more squish!

robot-clown-lady. I. who? I am so curious. who is this lady and what is the proportion of each of those three parts. is she more robot than clown? more clown than lady? or is she a lady who happens to be slightly the other two. also for some reason the first mental image I got was of Circus Baby, which is probably not what you intended

ah yes, anxious anger, the very shaky and orange (I think?) emotion. feel that one a lot

froggy raincoat!! I didn't have a raincoat, but I used to have a froggy umbrella!! like the ones with the eyes sticking up. let me find a picture. like this!! my sister had a ladybug

my immediate response to hearing a thing called useless was defense of said thing. i know nothing about them but my compassion for inanimate things holds no bounds i will love and cherish these useless things he's made if no one else will

shout out to left-handed people, the world truly is against you. i wonder how effectively I could teach myself to learn to use my left hand to write. I mean writing is just a skill. I once saw a youtube channel entirely dedicated to this guy learning to write with his left hand, but I don't remember what the channel name was

and they're right to do so! I will also freeze any fruit for consumption. fruit is just so *screams* /pos.

I respect the froggy raincoat. I love the froggy raincoat. I'd do anything for the froggy raincoat. I have absolutely no need for a raincoat as I live in a desert in the mountains, but if I had a raincoat I'd want it to be a froggy one. or a dragon. both are good I'll just wear two

(ignore this paragraph break tumblr is telling me I'm talking too much so I have to break it up)

very valid of the computer-program-equivalent thing that doesn't have preferred pronouns. I'm curious whether that's because all pronouns works or if it doesn't have any. pronounless...beautiful

who what when where why and how can her head turn 360 degrees. what owl sorcery is this and how can I replicate it in my bedroom. makes me think of the bird species whose name I can't remember (rostrae?) from the Magonia duology by Maria Dahvana Headley. I didn't actually understand their biology at all based on the descriptions but I'm going to pretend like I did !!

oh I love characters like that! immediately like oh no. they just have such a strong presence it overwhelms you. I met someone one who based on the single first thing they said to me I went "oh shit" /pos you're intense. turns out it was a fluke and they're actually very goofy like many of the other people in my life (cough, my partner's family, cough), but before I figured that out they had a presence. but congrats to this character for being a good brother!

why don't the drinks provide hydration wait. what's going on here. is that because they're drinking super sugary/fatty things or are there magic drinks in The Shell that don't actually quench your thirst. has this character heard of water. they should try some

AGAS (Assigned gamer at Shell). good for them. I hope they enjoy their gamer days or whatever else is going on (idk what's happening I don't have context). but wait what kind of gamer. a video gamer? what kind of games? a board gamer? how does this character feel about puzzles

okay wait I love the shooting star comparison, a rapidly moving entity of destruction. is there also something in there about being beautiful from afar but deadly close up? because I think that'd also be cool. shooting stars in general are just cool. and since I mentioned magonia earlier now I'm reminded of this detail in the series where some shooting stars are actually just magonians sending messages to each other by tying them to an arrow and shooting them from ship to ship across the skyv(the ships are in the sky)

sometimes your immune system just doesn't work anymore and that's just how it is. I could make a joke here about yours failing you and letting you get sick but I don't know how to word that so I'm moving on.

electricity!! congratulations to this world on having electricity, doing better than the world i was reading about yesterday...in which it both did and didn't because it occupied two different times. main character was an elderly woman who did have access to electricity talking about a part of her life when she was young in which there wasn't. but mostly my thoughts rn are ooo more details about the world: they have electricity !!

This was positively delightful! not annoying in the slightest, I love learning about this world and about the paracosm as a whole.

I'm doing alright, doing schoolwork in the mornings and chilling the rest of the day (reading, writing, tumblr, things like that). And the car thing is mostly just like "really? I still have to deal with this?" because there is so much where it's like...I very clearly was not at fault in this situation. The police statement puts the other driver at 100% fault! My insurance puts the other driver at 100% fault! The statements the other driver gave are different; one mentions a motorcycle distracting her and the other she doesn't mention at all and claims she had a green arrow--which she couldn't have had, because I had the green. Like she's contradicting herself!! It's like my guy. why is this still being dragged out. thank you for the thumbs up tho <333

also yes!! smoothies!! Oh emotionally I am picking fresh fruit from some garden to put in the smoothies. I love fruit it's so good, and I also love you!! /p I hope you have/had a nice day as well

[babysizedfics]

Virgil moves and talks so quietly that no one hears him (and he hates it)

virgil is naturaly very gentle in pretty much everything he does. he moves so quietly around the house because he wears socks and always walks on his tiptoes (which is an autistic trait) and he also speaks so softly hardly above a whisper unless he's laughing or yelling that he always scares people who didnt know he was right behind them.

and it sort of upsets vee. not so much that he moves silently but doesnt like that he accidentally scares people and he really doesnt like that people can't hear him when he speaks - when he was first created as a four year old he was completely mute and it took at least a year for him to finally learn to speak at five years old and even then he was still selectively mute and only semi verbal otherwise.

so he's had to deal with not being able to communicate his needs effectively a lot. he still goes mute sometimes if he is overwhelmed and when he is regressed he is semi verbal. so he feels sensitive about the fact that even when he finally CAN communicate with words most of the time, he feels like he can't do it right because he cant force himself to speak loud enough.

LOGAN

like one morning logan will be waiting for the coffee machine to fill his mug and virgil will come into the kitchen and say 'good morning.' when logan doesnt respond virgil gets nervous that maybe he did something wrong and his mama is angry with him

so he doesnt try to speak again just in case it would annoy logan and he moves around silently on his toes getting breakfast

it isnt until logan hears the fridge door open and close that he looks back and his eyes fall on vee. virgil freezes a little but logan smiles softly at him. 'good morning virgil. when did you get here?'

'uh a couple minutes ago'

'oh my apologies, i didnt hear you come in' then logan turns back to his coffee and picks up his mug.

'i said good morning' vee whispers, worried that it would sound like complaining. but logan doesnt even hear him say it so vee gives up on talking and just sits next to logan for breakfast in comfortable silence (thats underlaid by shame on his part)

PATTON AND ROMAN STORIES ARE BELOW THE CUT BC THIS GOT LONG

PATTON

patton will be doing the dishes and humming and virgil will tiptoe in and say 'hi dad' but patton doesnt hear it over the running water and keeps washing up. virgil fidgets a bit on the spot, anxious that it feels like he's eavesdropping on patton even though he isn't trying to at all

he tries a couple more times to say hi to his dad when theres less noise coming from the plates in the sink but still theres no response. so he tries to speak louder 'um dad, im behind you'

and for him it was louder than usual but for other people its more like a slightly quiet soft voice... so patton doesnt hear him still, even when he turns off the water and dries his hands.

virgils heart hammers in his chest because patton is gonna turn around and think virgil was spying on him even though virgil tried to speak to him a few times by this point. 'please dont jump' virgil whispers desperately, knowing that he's essentially talking to himself now

and of course when patton finally turns around he does jump and he yelps loudly at seeing virgil and even though virgil expected it it startles him and he flinches and his eyes immediately water (he gets really annoyed by how easily he cries sometimes)

patton sees it and quickly calms down and goes over to pull him into a hug 'oh im sorry honey, i didnt hear you come in. did i scare you?'

virgil tries to breath evenly to stop his chest from shaking when he speaks. 'i - um i tried to talk to you... a few times' virgil mumbles into his shoulder

and patton smiles a little because he's kind of soft for how gentle virgil is all over including his voice and he apologises again and kisses virgils head and they move on.

it helps virgil not feel so bad about it when it happens with pstton because he always holds him and kisses his head in apology, plus patton finds his quiet voice endearing and at least thats a positive because virgil gets fawned over by his dad a bit

ROMAN

but the worst is when it happens with roman.

roman will be in his room singing while he works on some artwork. not even that loud, just singing softly as he concentrates on his paintbrush. virgil was feeling lonely and bored and kind of jittery and anxious for no reason in his room and usually roman lets him watch when he's doing art and it calms virgils anxiety and is fun to just sit there in silence in romans company.

so he knocks on romans door gently and peeks his head in. roman is faced away from him at his easel on the other side of the room still singing under his breath a little. virgil tiptoes into the room and calls 'roman? can i watch?'

theres no response so virgil takes a deep breath and tries to speak out 'ro? is it ok if i come in?' and he thought it was loud but clearly not because roman isnt even singing at full volume and he still doesnt react to him at all.

virgil actually feels that familiar anxious swirling of dread in his tummy now. he hates not being heard when he does want to speak and he hates that it always shocks someone and that they must think he's sneaking around on purpose.

he starts clawing and pulling at the hem of his skirt and tiptoes closer, only a few feet behind roman now. he tugs his sweater sleeves down and bites his lip. roman still doesnt notice him. virgil takes a shaky breath 'roman, please' and it was actually quieter because hes so nervous now of what will happen when roman hears him and sees he has come in without permission... he hates this.

roman still doesnt show any sign of knowing virgil is there... so virgil tentatively reaches up - his hand shaking - to poke romans shoulder with one finger. 'ro?' he whispers, hating that his voice trembles

roman screams and immediately jumps and spins around. 'dear f*cking zeus! Virgil what the f*ck!' he yells, eyes wide and almost angry

and virgil can't help it. the yelling shocked him so much and roman is so much bigger and towering over him and he looks angry and now vee is shaking and his vision is blurry with tears.

roman instantly backs down, the shock on his face melting to sympathy. 'ah sh*t, i'm sorry vee...' and he puts his palette and brush down and gently places his hands on virgils arms in an attempt to comfort him 'i didnt mean to yell, im sorry.' he says gently, rubbing his hands over virgils arms 'why didnt you tell me you were here, titch?'

'i d-did!' virgil cries, his voice thick with tears 'i tri-ied to - to talk and you didn't h-h--' he cuts himself off with a strangled cry. he's just as shocked as roman by how hard he's crying

roman feels awful and immediately pulls vee into a tight hug 'no no its okay vee, shh. im really sorry i didnt hear you'

vee just sniffles into romans chest and wraps his fingers in romans sweatshirt tightly. a cry comes out thats more like a little squeak and without realising it his thumb slips into his mouth

roman pulls back from the hug to see his little brother sucking his thumb. sometimes virgil sucks his thumb as an adult for comfort so he has to check 'vee, are you feeling tiny?'

vee doesnt really understand the question and tugs at romans sweatshirt and whines, looking up at him with wet pleading eyes

and roman feels his heart break a little. he feels so guilty that he apparently scared virgil into his regression.

'okay baby, here we go' he leans down to wrap his arms around virgils back and under his thighs and hoists virgil onto his hip. then he sighs 'let's go find your papa to change you'

'bipa?' vee squeaks through his remaining tears. he sniffles again and roman feels guilt wash over him again

'yeah, clever baby, papa's gonna get you a diaper' he whispers and wipes his thumb under vees eye to catch another falling tear

vee whimpers quietly and buries his face on romans shoulder so roman takes it as a prompt to start moving and carrying virgil out of his room to find patton

roman really would have liked for adult virgil to watch him paint but he thinks its all his fault for yelling that vee regressed from fear. so he decides painting can wait, he wants to make it up to his brother with lots of cuddes and playing games to make the baby giggle for the rest of the day

[anythingandeverything1d]

I’m having your baby..

Part 1: Congratulations

---

Harry’s name and photo popped up on your screen as he called. “Harry?” you answered anxiously.

“Hey, uh do you have a minute?”

You walked into the kitchen looking for an excuse. You just weren't ready to have this talk yet. “Uhmm actually I was just about to-”

“(y/n) seriously we need to talk.” Harry sounded annoyed and you didn't like that. Normally on the phone with you he was happy and cheeky, telling jokes, and asking a million questions. This conversation just seemed so dry, so unlike him. It seemed like he was scolding you almost.

“I guess I have a minute...” you mumbled sitting on the barstool in the kitchen. “What seems to be the problem Harold?” you gave the attitude right back, not in the mood for one of his mood swings.

“Well I was thinking maybe we should talk about the things I’m currently being tagged in online. The articles about you. Specifically about you being pregnant. Don’t you think thats something we might need to discuss?”

You were twirling your hair through your fingers anxiously and wondered if he was doing the same...even though he sounded more mad than anxious. “I mean I don't know is it? If anyones pregnant, not saying I am or anything, but it's me and not you who's actually affected so what's the big deal? You can still go off and live your life, touring the world, singing, writing albums in complete isolation, and then hooking up with random girls you meet at the bar. Living your best rock star life Harry. You know what? I have a question for you. Why do these things, these articles, these tweets, and stories about me bother you now. It's been weeks, you haven't even called or texted. You probably haven't thought about me either. Actually, haven't you moved on by now? Isn’t it that time where you find someone new, someone better, someone more fit in managements eyes, someone your fans will approve of?” You bit down on your lip while holding back tears. This is not where you wanted this to go but here it was. There was no going back now. Harry had opened a door he probably hadn't meant to.

Harry sighed into the phone and cleared his throat before speaking again. “All I want to know is if you're pregnant and if the baby is mine. That’s it. It’s an easy and quick answer (y/n).”

“Fuck you Harry.” He was pissing you off now. He was acting like nothing mattered and like getting pregnant was your fault. “I am pregnant with your baby but guess what it’s none of your damn business.” you hung up and dropped the phone on the counter, tears rushing down your cheeks. Why did he have to be like that? Didn’t he think that this was hard on you too? Didn’t he understand that you were panicking. Panicking about having a baby, growing a baby inside you, caring for the baby alone, telling people that you were about to become a single parent, affording everything the baby would need. The list continued to grow things that just would not work out. Your hands drifted to your lower stomach to where the baby was growing. Something about it comforted you at the same time. It made you feel less alone, less like Harry had left, and more like a part of him was still with you and for now, that was enough to remind you that a baby is a blessing no matter the situation. You would figure the rest out eventually.. it’ll all work out...just give it time. These are the thoughts rushing through your head as the tears stopped. You were not about to let Harry destroy this moment for you. You walked upstairs and into the guest bedroom where you laid out the onesie and binkie on the bed. “This is going to be your room little one...I’ll make sure its perfect by the time you get here. I promise.” 

After calming down a little you went to bed and pretty much stayed there until noon which is when you called Luke and asked him to come over. You wanted to talk things over with a rational voice, and well he was the only one other than Harry that knew you were pregnant. His noisy truck pulled up to your driveway and he ran inside trying to avoid the rain. “Hey you.” he said setting a large bag of food on the counter. “I grabbed some Chinese food, figured you might be hungry.”

You smiled and kissed his cheek. “Thanks, I don't think I’ve actually eaten anything all day.”

“Well thats not going to help you grow a baby...” he was digging into a box of rice, attempting to use his chop sticks. 

“I guess you're right...I should probably look into what diet changes I’ll need to go through.”

“Isn't getting pregnant like an excuse to eat whatever you want whenever you want?”

“I mean kind of but no” you laughed and grabbed some chicken from one of the containers. “I’ll still have to watch what I’m eating so I don't get diabetes or get fat...I don't want to look terrible once the baby is here...I’m already getting all the hate for being pregnant let alone for being fat afterwards.”

Luke shook his head, dropping the chopsticks and using the fork. “Babies naturally cause you to gain weight, thats nothing to be ashamed of. Plus, I read some of those articles and I wouldn't say its hate. Most people are excited for you. And for Harry. I’m guessing he knows now?”

You nodded and dropped your head to the counter. “He knows. Doesn’t change anything though does it? He’s still not here, we are still not together, and he's still on tour doing whatever he wants.” Luke rubbed your shoulder and you looked up, more tears in your eyes as you thought about the situation again. You started crying and Luke squeezed your shoulder. You looked up at him sobs now echoing through your chest. “I just-I just miss him so much. I-I’m all alone too.”

“I know (y/n)...I know.” Luke wiped the tears and smiled. “It’ll get easier. I promise. I mean its only been a few weeks and I’m sure the baby thing makes you think about him a little more but you know what? If he’s not here to see this baby grow, be born, and live, then that’s on him. Youre going to be an amazing mother and Harry’s involvement or noninvolvement won't change that. And you are NOT alone. I’m right here with you, and I’ll be at every doctors appointment, meeting, birthing class, whatever you need me for. I’ll be there.” You smiled and Luke looked relieved. 

“I love you.”

“I love you too (y/n).” He hugged you tightly and you returned the favor, your chin resting on his shoulder. “Now, are you ready to down some of this food and watch a movie?”

You nodded and ate another piece of chicken. Luke returned to his chopsticks and the two of you ate pretty much everything. You stood up laughing and lifting your shirt. “I guess I have an excuse for looking a little chubby after eating far too much. My food baby is an actual baby too.”

Luke laughed and shook his head, “You never look chubby though.” 

You rolled your eyes and followed him into the living room. The two of you cuddled up on the couch and under loads of blankets. You decided to watch The Parent Trap, something you both hadn't seen in a while, but you quickly fell asleep, exhausted from everything that day. You snuggled into Luke and he tightened his grip on you. The next thing you know, someone is pounding on your door. Luke who had also fallen asleep sat up confused. “Are you expecting anyone?” You rubbed your eyes shaking your head no. He stood up and walked to the door, opening it a bit to look out. You glanced at the clock, it was almost 3 am, why was anyone at your door. “I don't think this is a good time..” you heard Luke harshly whisper. You stood up and walked over to the door. Your heart sped up, your stomach did flips, and your mouth dropped open. Harry was standing on your doorstep, dripping wet, and shivering. 

“Harry?”

“Of course you're here with him.” he shook his head and turned around.

“Yeah he’s my friend, why wouldn't I hang out with him?” you snapped back following him outside. The rain was pouring, instantly soaking your clothes. The wind blowing was freezing your skin but you were mad now. “When has me and Luke hanging out ever been a problem? I’ve known him since I was 10, he's my best friend, he's- he's like my brother.” Harry had stopped and was watching you. His lip was between his teeth and his hair covering his eyes from being so wet. You glanced behind you and Luke had gone back inside, giving you the privacy you knew you needed. “Why are you here Harry? It’s super late, its wet, and its cold and-”

He ran his hands through his hair, slicking it back so he could look at you better. “Why do you think I’m here?” You crossed your arms across your stomach and frowned. Harry sighed and stepped closer. “Theres no way in hell that you carrying my baby isn't my business. How could you even think that? How could you even think I wouldn't be here for everything, for the appointments and well whatever else you need. I know it wasn't our plan and I know we are going through something but I want to be here. For you and for the baby.”

You had tears in your eyes but thankfully the rain was washing them away. You nodded and looked down. “Harry-”

“(y/n) please...let me be there-here let me help. It’s my baby too.” He stepped closer and moved your hands away from your stomach. He got down on his knees, gently touched your belly and wiped his nose. He was crying too. Normally people crying made you uncomfortable and nervous, but Harry crying was one of the saddest things ever. He looked like a sad angel and that hurt you more than anyone would know. You instinctively reached out and touched his hair, wiping it away and wrapping your fingers in the curls. Harry looked up and smiled. “I cant believe it...theres a little baby in there. Its 50% you and 50% me..thats so crazy.”

You smiled and nodded, you had thought the same thing earlier today. “I uh- I have a picture. A picture of the baby. It’s inside if you want to maybe see it..” Harry looked surprised but extremely happy. He nodded and you led him back inside to the kitchen. Luke was sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea confused by the fact that Harry was in your house. “It’s right here..” you showed him the black and white image magneted to the fridge. 

“Its so tiny.” Harry looked in amazement and smiled. Luke was in the background mocking Harry and so you shot him a look. “Thats like our baby.” He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you into a tight hug. Your nose burying in his soaking wet t-shirt. You wrapped your hands around him and smiled. It was okay to give in every now and then right? Might as well enjoy while its here? Harry wiped his nose again and you stepped back with a smile. 

“Are you okay?” you asked, your hand lingering next to his.

“Yeah its just a lot to take in..like the fact that I am going to be a dad..it’s just crazy.” Luke snorted and Harry looked over at him annoyed.

“I understand the feeling.” you touched his hand and his eyes shot back to yours with a small smile.

“I’m sorry I wasnt there for you yesterday...I should've known..I should've-”

“Harry...”

“This is insane.” Luke walked over annoyed. “(y/n) what are you doing? What happened to the��‘Im a strong independent woman I don't need him’ vibe?”

Harry shot Luke a glance to which Luke responded. “I am strong and I don't need him...” Harry looked upset, hurt flashing through his eyes. You continued on, “I don't need him but I want him here...I want him to be there for the baby..”

Harry smirked and nodded. “I want to be there. For the baby and for you. I promise...I’ll be there for everything if you want me to be...I just want to get to see the baby grow and become like an actual baby. Just tell me what to do. Tell me I can be a part of this with you..”

You smiled and hugged him. “Of course I want you to be a part of everything. This is your baby too.”

Luke stood up frustrated and gave you a look. You stepped out of Harry’s arms and towards Luke. He shook his head and laughed. “I’m gonna go. I’l talk to you later (y/n).” 

“Luke-”

“Not now.” Luke grabbed his jacket and then walked out, leaving you and Harry alone for the first time in weeks. 

Harry sat down with a pleased expression on his face and you frowned. You don't know why Luke was acting like that. You didn't even know what caused the fight but for some reason it really really upset you. Tears fell down your cheeks again and Harry looked concerned. He walked over and pulled you into his chest, “What’s wrong love?”

“I just don't know why Luke is acting like that. Like why is he mad at me? I didn't do anything.” 

Harry wiped a tear and smiled, “it’s not you...he just has to figure things out and come to terms with the fact that I’m here and I’m staying. It’ll be okay.”

“Promise you won't leave me?”

“Promise. I’m here for good- well for the next 18 years anyways.” 

“You better be.” you yawned. It was now almost 4:30 am and you were falling asleep. 

“I will be” Harry whispered. “Come on, lets get you into bed.” Harry helped you upstairs and pulled back the covers.  You changed into some dry clothes and walked over and climbed in. Just the way you liked, Harry tucked you in. 

You yawned again and he smiled, moving the hair that had fallen to your eyes. “I’ll uh-I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Harry, wait.” You looked over at him again. “Change into something dry and get in..please? I just sleep better well not alone..” Harry nodded and dropped his wet clothes to a pile on the floor. He rummaged through your closet, finding the one thing Harry had left- by accident by the way. It was just a t-shirt but he smiled and threw it on, climbing into his side of the bed. You rolled over and smiled, trying to keep your eyes open. “Thank you for staying.”

He kissed your forehead and smiled. “Anytime love..” Your eyes closed and Harry scooted in closer, rubbing your arms slowly with his fingers. It was easy to say, you had the best night of sleep you had since Harry had left the first time. His scent, his touch, everything. It just made you sleep so much better and for that you were insanely grateful for that reason- and of course the fact he wanted to be part of the babies life. 

---

Part two, let me know what you think!

Part 3: Plum Sized

[keai]

in the off chance that you see this...

will you let me know if you do?

my little 12 year old heart fell for you stupid fast. it was literally love at first sight and it wasnt because you were cute (bc lets face it you are good looking). looking back, its crazy how much i loved you, or thought i loved you. we didnt really know each other at all, but i was SO obsessed. i still cant explain why, but as a 20 year old i think that was the time i was beginning to show signs of anxiety/depression and honestly, needed something else to focus on. you also know i just have an addictive/obsessive personality. 

i remember we talked about those stupid young times and you said you were sorry for how you treated me back then. but i have to say you never did anything explicitly wrong. i didnt know how to handle my emotions and thoughts, i mean i still dont and thats why this even exists right? 

i remember crying myself to sleep over you, i remember hiding in school toilets because of you, i remember SO MUCH. i was truly in so much pain!! 

it wasnt just you of course. i didnt get much sleep bc i was always talking to this other friend that i never really talked to you about. i was also really struggling with the whole popularity thing at that time, and just wanted to quit being a popular girl at school. i know that sounds dumb, but being popular really wasnt fun, at least for me. i could never say what i truly thought because i had to care for so many people. i would always accidentally exclude people if i got closer to one friend because everyone wanted to be that one close friend, and that made me feel like i had to keep a distance from everyone. i could never be sad because other people thought i had everything. and i know that sounds pathetic but those are the things 12 year old girls think about i guess. anyway back to us

i tried a lot of things to ‘get over you’. it was so fucking stupid. i wore rubber bands and snapped myself every time i thought of you. would you laugh if i said that my arms would be COMPLETELY red in an hour? i also tried to like other guys who were genuinely sweet to me, but for some reason just thought they didnt measure up to you, even though you were giving me absolutely nothing (no hate just stating facts)

but eventually i did. and i just didnt think anything of you anymore - not in a bad way, i just didnt have an opinion. we didnt interact in school, i think til h3, because of math class. 

i had no fucking clue that your ex girlfriend minded me. honestly if i knew i wouldnt have sat next to you!! i thought i would be the last person she minded - after all, you broke my fucking heart without even trying, you know? if i liked you so much and still couldnt get you to like me, why would i think she would mind me? i dont know, sometimes im bad at logic i guess

anyway, i still didnt think anything of you. we had nice chats, but that was it. i think you would agree. ive actually spent a lot of time reflecting - were we flirty? did we ever cross boundaries? i remember how you told me you wanted to break up with your girlfriend. i remember thinking it was cuz of christina - it had never crossed my mind that you would like me. but it turns out it was me!?

now. this is the part that has bothered me the entire fucking time we dated again. does this mean we betrayed eliza? was she right in being mad? was this emotional cheating? i really dont know but i know now to not get involved in a relationship with someone who has just gotten out of one, because my mind will not stop thinking.

i hope you would agree that we had a good relationship. i wasnt cutting much anymore and generally gave less fucks about other people - something i have REVERSED back into now. but theres this part of me who wants to suffer. sounds dramatic but its true. if im honest, i was always torn between being a cool, chilled girlfriend and picking random fights, and making you upset on purpose. because thats what i did with MY exes and i knew doing those things would make me better feel your love. i also knew i was fucking crazy for even thinking about doing those things, but having a good relationship just wasnt...i dont know. i dont know how to receive love without it being fucked up in some way.

i would say the final 8 months of us dating was us being so careful with one another. i dont know what happened actually. maybe we just grew and changed. maybe i fucked up. i dont know. but it was fucking weird. sometimes we were fine and sometimes we werent. i really didnt know if you still loved me

coming back to taipei for the 2nd time, i got hit by this big wave of anxiety and panic about the future. something i learnt recently in school is that depression and anxiety often come back in relapses. like 70& of patients experience episodes again. of course, i chose not to open up to you. i knew you wouldnt understand. i know this is just my mind thinking stupid things, but in my brain youre perfect and never upset. you never overthink and never look back with regret on things. i guess thats the impression youve made on me since year 8. but me? i think back way too often and hurt myself. i dwell on past things, and now suddenly im dwelling on future things as well.

this is getting too annoying. long story short, i went to therapy and they referred me to a psychiatrist. i got medication. and that was still in the time we were together. i didnt tell you and im sorry about that. i dont know if im feeling better now. but i do think about how things could have been different if i wasnt me. if i wasnt so anxious and DEPRESSED would we have worked? if i wasnt so depressed in year 8, would i be different?

im not kidding when i say i dont want to be me. do you like being you? of course you do because youre you. but im me

you know that cheesy line where it goes something like ‘maybe in another universe, we would have worked out’. its fucking cheesy. but i really hope that there is another universe where hannah is different and is someone who can truly accept love from you, knows how to handle it and not let it go to waste

[langstyboi]

And They Were Roommates

~~~ KIRIBAKU ONESHOT ~~~

Dear fucking journal,

Ever since a couple of weeks ago, things have been weird.  I fucking hate it. Kirishima is apparently gay!? He came out and things just feel different dammit! This sucks ass! I have all these shitty emotions I can't understand! Fuck them! I want things to be normal god dammit! I'd never say it to Shitty Hair's face, but he's my best friend. I mean, I can tolerate him more than any of these other shit heads. Ever since I found out he likes dudes it's just... I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! I don't really have good feelings over this! Am I being homophobic?? What the hell? I DON'T MEAN TO BE!! I'm not THAT big of an asshole. I just can't explain these damned feelings! He's my friend and I don't wanna be a dick! Though he'd probably like that. UGH! I'M SO DAMN MAD!! AT HIM! AT ME! AT YOU! FUCK EVERYONE! FUCK EVERYTHING!!

-God damn Bakugo

The frustrated blonde closed the book and shoved it under his bed. He got up and paced around his room, thinking. Usually venting in his diary helped calm him a bit, but this time he was only angrier. He was asking himself why that red haired idiot had him so worked up when there was a knock at his door.

"The hell do you want!?"

"Um, Bakubro it's me!" Kirishima tried to force joy into his voice. "I wanted to talk to you." He'd felt the shift in their relationship too. Bakugo moved to the door, opening it to find a tired Kirishima. Both were stressed out about this and having trouble sleeping. "Can I come in..?"

"Whatever." Bakugo moved and closed the door after Kirishima walked in. "What the hell are you here for?"  

"I'm just gonna be blunt... Do you have a problem with me liking dudes?" There was worry evident on his face. Bakugo panicked internally, trying to figure out what to say. This was what he was trying to figure out for himself.

"WHAT THE HELL, YOU IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF!?" Relief washed over Kirishima, though Bakugo, didn't know if what he said was true. "I COULDN'T CARE LESS, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS! YOU'RE STILL YOU, MY B-" He stopped himself, not wanting to show too much emotion, not wanting Kirishima to know he thinks of him as his best friend.

"Heh, sorry man! I thought you'd been avoiding me or something lately? Guess I'm just paranoid." He scratched the back of his head and gave a subtle grin. Bakugo got a weird feeling in his chest and all his whirling emotions were hitting him all at once. "Hey, wait, what were you going to say?" Those big red eyes staring into his only made his conflicting feelings stronger.

Bakugo tensed up in hesitation, looking off into another corner of the room, scratching the back of his head nervously. "I- uh..." He looked back towards  Kirishima with a straight, angry looking face. "It was nothing, Shitty Hair! Now get out of my damn room! You're getting on my nerves!"

Kirishima gave a lighthearted laugh and moved towards the door. "See ya at dinner, Bakubro!" He walked out the door happily and closed the door.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" He called out uselessly. Bakugo plopped down in his bed and stared angrily at the ceiling. "What the hell's wrong with me?" He groaned to himself. He kept thinking of the red head and tried to decipher his feelings.

What was it about Kirishima? He started talking to himself out loud. "He's really nice and it gets on my fucking nerves. He's way too fucking sweet. It's gross. But... I don't mind it. He's got shitty hair and weird ass pointy teeth. But he does have a cute smile. WHAT!? NO! I DIDN'T- BUT- IT'S TRUE! His smile is nice. And I love the way he worries about me. He cares. HOLD UP! I DIDN'T MEAN LOVE!!! I DON'T-" He was silent as he sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "This dumbass has me mumbling like fucking Deku." Bakugo had only proceeded in making himself more frustrated.

He sighed and grabbed his phone. "I'm not... I'm not gay am I?" He furrowed his brows as he went to Google. Google would know, right? He typed the question and hesitated before hitting search. He spent a while browsing articles that didn't help. He wanted answers and now.

"A quiz? Hmm. Might as fucking well." He clicked the link and felt anxious. This test might not be completely accurate but it could reveal something. He tried answering with his honest truth, thinking about each answer thoroughly.  

'Question one: You spot a cute, same-gender person in your class. They look at you. What do you do?' At the mention of cute he thought of Kirishima. He looked over the answers and none really fit him. "I wouldn't fucking smile but... 'warm and fuzzy' kinda describes this."

'Question two: Your friends invite you to attend a pride festival. What do you say?' "What the hell? I-I don't know! Come as an ally? For Kirishima I would, but he can't know that!"

'Question three: A cute, same-gender person comes out to you as gay or bisexual. They have a crush on you. What do you do?' A blush began rising to his cheeks. "Kiri had come out, but it's not like he would have a crush on me! ... WOulD hE?" He panicked. "NONE OF THESE FIT!!" He hit a random answer not knowing what to pick.

'Question four: You're in a gym class getting changed. You notice a cute, same-gender person getting changed. They have smooth, toned muscles and look perfect. What do you do?' That perfectly described Kirishima. He was embarrassed by his answer but admitted to blushing because of the other guy.

'Question five: You're sitting on a sofa watching a movie with a cute, same-gender person. They fall asleep with their head on your lap/legs. What do you do?' This had happened plenty of times. So this answer was easy. "What kind of monster would push him away? I'm an asshole but I can cover him up at least!"

'Question six: You're locked in a room with a cute same-gender person and a cute opposite-gender person. Who do you pick?' "What the hell does this mean!? I couldn't stand being stuck in a room with anyone! I'd just blow the door down what the fuck? But I could probably tolerate Kirishima..."

'Question seven: What do you think your sexuality is?' "YOU FUCKING TELL ME!" He'd never really thought about sexuality or other people. Bakugo was never really into girls, but most guys he knew were just idiotic extras he wanted to be better than. He reluctantly hit gay.

'Question eight: If an cute opposite-gender person asked you out, what would you do?' He thought for a moment. He wouldn't be into any of the girls in his class. They're annoying. He's never really had interest in girls or romance at all. Uraraka is cute in a general sense. He can admit that. But it's not like he'd ever want to date her. "Reject them it is..."

'Question nine: Pick the gender your biggest crushes were. If you've never had a crush, guess who you think your biggest ones will be.' "OH FUCK OFF! THIS ISN'T HELPFUL!!" He sighed as his frustration grew. Only one more question after this. Might as well finish. Be angrily tapped 'Same-Gendered' and moved on.

'Question ten: Finally, do you like any LGBTQ+ singers?' He doesn't really listen to music much and certainly doesn't know the singers sexuality. Also, why this would matter is beyond him. He hit the 'Get Results' button and held his breath.

'Are you gay? For 80% you are: You're most likely homosexual/homoromantic! This means you only like same-gender people. Enjoy your rainbow life!'

He slumped down on his bed. "That helped fucking NOTHING! Those answers were shit! I don't trust that damn thing! It can die!!" He felt like he might never figure out his feelings. According to this he's gay, and that's not bad, but is he gay for Kirishima?

This quiz made him think about a lot of things he was avoiding or just not even realizing before. Maybe he did have a crush on his friend. A sick feeling settled over him and he still felt confused as hell. An idea popped into his head and he held up his phone. He scrolled through his contacts before he started to type.

B: Hey Deku bitch

D: Uh hi Kacchan? Why are you texting me?

B: I have to ask you something but if you tell anyone I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!

D: Okay! I won't! Geez...

B: I know you and icy hot are dating

B: How'd you know

D: How'd I know what?

B: That you like guys? Or HIM? I don't fucking know

D: Is this about Kirishima?

B: SHUT UP AND DIE YOU NERD!!

B: ... maybe

B: JUST ANSWER MY QUESTION!

D: Alright, alright! I didn't really know at first. I had a lot of confusing feelings and after a while it clicked? I just realized that I did have a crush and quit ignoring my feelings. I mean he's cute and nice and I really like being around him. I want to do romantic things with him too. Like cuddling and dates and kissing and hand holding. I hope that answers your question?

Bakugo sat back, re-reading the text over and over. He had confusing feelings about Kirishima. He knew Kirishima is cute and nice. He knows he loves being around Kirishima. He takes a moment to think about doing romantic things with Kirishima and gets extremely flustered. They already touched often, cuddling or linking arms. That was only because Kirishima gave him no choice. They also hung out a lot, but calling that a date? That made Bakugos heart race. Imagining kissing that idiots soft lips only made him forget to breathe.

He did have a crush on Kirishima. Deep down he could feel it, but now he accepted it.

Bakugo had no clue what to do, so he grabbed his journal and began writing furiously.

Dear fucking journal,

UPDATE! I'm fucking gay. And Kirishima's cute as hell. I won't deny this any longer. But what the shit am I to do? I can't just tell Shitty Hair about this! What if he's not into me!?! I have a crush god dammit, but what do I do? It's nice to have those dumbass emotions sorted but now theres another issue. EMOTIONS CAN DIE FOR ALL I CARE!

He decided to end his frustrated rant there as his phone went off. It was a text from Midoriya. "What he fuck does this nerd want?" He mumbled to himself.

D: Kacchan did that help at all?

B: Fuck off deku its none of your damn buisness

B: But I'm gay

D: Woah that's great! You figured yourself out!!

B: TELL ANYONE AND YOU DIE!!

D: A true raging homosexual.

B: STFU DIE!!!!!! NERD!!!

He tossed his phone onto his bed. Why, of all people, would he tell Midoriya that? He growled at himself and checked the time. He should head down for dinner about now. He went downstairs and almost everyone was already there. During dinner he couldn't help but stare at Kirishima. Kaminari, the resident bisexual, was chatting up a storm with him and Bakugo couldn't help but get pissed with how flirty it was getting. Halfway through dinner he was so angry he broke his chopsticks in half. After that he went to his room saying he wasn't hungry, and he truly wasn't. He was full of jealousy.

There was a knock at his door. He answered it to find a concerned Kirishima. "Bakugo you left before you finished eating. You alright? You're not getting sick or anything are you?" He pushed past Bakugo and into the room.

"I'm fine hair for brains. Just got full." He gave an angry pout and shut the door as Kirishima sat down on his bed. "I'll be right back I gotta piss." Bakugo said before turning and going to the bathroom. He really just needed to calm down for a moment. Unknowingly he had left his journal sitting right on his bed where a certain someone could easily find it.

Kirishima went to lean back but found his hand on a book of sorts. "Hmm. What is this?" He picked it up and flipped through a few pages. "A diary!" He whisper yelled to himself. He flipped to a newer entry and began to read. He knew he shouldn't, but it was too tempting.  Bakugo came out right when he was finishing today's last entry.

"Kirish- WHER THE HELL DID YOU FIND THAT!?" Bakugo thought he was going to have a heart attack. He wrote his feelings in there. HIS FEELINGS.

Kirishima looked dazzed and was blushing madly. "You... you left it on your bed." He gave a shy smile.

"YEAH BUT WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD READ IT!? WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?!" Blood was rushing in his ears and his heart was pounding so hard it hurt.

"I-I'm sorry Bakugo!" He snapped back to reality, realizing his mistake. "I-um... Is it... Is it true?"

"Wh-WHAT?" He started getting defensive. He only just realized he's gay, he wasn't ready to get his heart broken this fast. Kirishima stood up and came closer. He gave Bakugo a serious look.

"Did you mean everything you wrote?"

"OF COURSE I DID SHITTY HAI-" He was pulled into a kiss. Taken aback and confused he pulled away. "Wh-what."

"I like you too Bakugo! I... have for a while to be honest. I never thought you would like me back!" And excited grin stretched across Kirishimas face, along with a blush.

"Come here you idiot." Bakugo mumbled before pulling him into a kiss.

----

Note: I posted the post that inspired this here. And here is the link to the Are you Gay? quiz I used for this. ALSO I REALIZE THE TITLE ISN’T RELATED TO THE STORY BUT IT’S RELATED TO THE POST AND THAT’S ALL I COULD THINK OF THANKS.

[jcmorgenstern]

Hey kid wanna cry Remember that kiss between Clary and 'Sebastian' in s2, after Clary says that Jonathan deserves to be saved? How desperate that kiss was. Now knowing the that for years Jonathan was clinging to the idea that somewhere out there theres a person who will save him, who will not hurt and abandon him puts the whole scene in different perspective 😢

you’re very right and you should fucknig say it anon!!

I’m trying to get over my annoyance with how much they’ve fucked Jonathan’s storyline (and my god, the timeline)–the demon clary kills in s1 at the EARLIEST appears at the most 2 months ago, which means Jonathan only learned she existed 2 months ago max. He then, in that time, made a deal with Azazel to get out of hell, walked to Paris, kidnapped Sebastian at a cafe, moved to New York, rented an apartment, knew enough about the goings on at the institute to steal the sword (Genuinely blanking on how he got the Cup to summon Azazel–i knew at one point but rn im anxious and caffeinated), summoned Azazel, infiltrated the Institute….like this is fucking insane on so many levels, and now he can’t even find a sword? ??? ?? ? ? ? like damn need me that kind of motivation on my finals

(also im pre sure aline mentions sebastian dissapeared more than two months ago but lmao what’s consistency)

I actually really liked the prince/princess thing, because it flips the very gendered script by having Jonathan wish for Clary to save him. and Clary IS that figure–she goes to insane lengths to protect and save Jace. I don’t think Clary’s horror at realizing she could have but didn’t save Jonathan is her being like “oh damn im a woman therefore it’s my job,” it’s that being powerless or failing to save a life is one of her worst fears, and she’s upset that yet another family member is “lost” to her. Her entire arc is unified by the theme of finding and wanting to keep her family and loved ones (both family by blood or by familial love) safe. It’s also a callback to the books (a thread that is completely dropped) where she writes a comic about a dark prince that she interprets to be “Sebastian.”

When Jonathan calls “you were supposed to be my princess” after her, he doesn’t mean “I was supposed to carry u away at the altar and we’d make babies in heterosexual union,” he means “you were supposed to be my knight in shining armor and rescue me from the dragon/evil stepmother.” In the context of the story as it’s told–Jonathan as Rapunzel (or Fiona LMAOO) in the tower crying for help, and Clary the knight with the sword only the chosen one can wield riding to his rescue–I feel that meaning is fairly obvious if you understand his character beyond “ew incest lol.”

To put it more academically: in the terms of a feminist reading of the fairytale, Jonathan understands himself not as Clary’s possessor, but the “princess” she as the (traditionally male) knight rescuer is entitled to after the rescue. It may actually deliberately echo the book line where Clary asks Jonathan “who do you belong to.” The script of Jonathan as the hyperagressive, masculine aggressor stalking the (artificially) agency-less woman is complicated by his dual role as the traditionally female victim of abuse waiting to be rescued by the traditional male rescuer. In just a quick few minutes we get a whole different dynamic where we realize Jonathan doesn’t feel he is entitled to her–from his (warped) point of view, he feels she is entitled to him. Jonathan views the act of receiving love in terms of his usefulness or how his identity/abilities/whatever can be exploited by whoever loves him (see: his speech to her about Valentine)–his confusion about why she doesn’t “want” him is because well, she defended him once as anon says, she saved him by giving him hope, she must love him–why won’t she take what’s hers?

This is the dynamic I’m fascinated by–I’ve always read Jonathan as an oddly feminized villain considering his other position as a hyperaggressive rapist–if I were to go full batshit on yall I’d bust out a “queer-coded men presented as often ineffectual rapists” reading but. ill leave that for another time.  or never. I feel the books made that reading very available by sexualizing his abuse by revealing his whip scars in a situation where he takes his shirt off and Clary is uncomfortably thirsty (and the audience is VERY comfortably thirsty). It’s also very surface-level and never really brought up again–something else you’d expect from a presentation of a female character’s abuse.

The show complicates it by presenting the product of Jonathan’s abuse as something to be reviled and horrific, but also kind of pathetically comedic. A male victim of abuse that actually lets the effects show is clearly something to be othered, pathologized, made into something charred and inhuman. The power and agency expected of a male character is restored to him in his rebirth, when the narrative invites you to consider whether he really could change; as that agency is slowly stripped away through imprisonment, a botched matricide attempt, implied (past) sexual assault, it’s paired with his implied descent into irredeemabe villainhood.

I fully realize I’ve jumped so far off the deep end I may as well have started burrowing into the ground of that metaphorical pool, but I think Jonathan’s dual status as feminized victim and masculinized rapist explains why some female fans find Jonathan deeply and fundamentally abhorrent and others find him sympathetic and relatable. Both, I think, are legitimate readings and reactions made available by the text–it’s a question not of whether people think rape is okay or not, but which of his dual gendered positions each person find more salient.

(I’d also argue the same could be said of Jace–do you see him as the typical heterosexual male jock, or the sensitive victim of abuse who struggles with his mental health? Honestly, this model applies to so many other characters–Tony Stark, for example, or Loki). I think it’s important as fans to appreciate, no matter your position or reading of a character, the alternate readings available–I understand why people hate Jonathan and are deeply uncomfortable with him, even if I don’t feel the same way. I don’t take Jonathan hate as a personal attack against my reading specifically, but against the person’s own particular interpretation of him. (I do often get annoyed if people deny the possibility of alternate readings, and probably get pissy in general, but shh).

anyway tldr this was actually just top/bottom discourse in disguise JONATHAN MORGENSTERN IS A BOTTOM thanks for coming to my TED talk haha gotcha

[o-taryn-o]

Watching The Last Jedi Thoughts and Reactions

I’ve been obsessed with reading Reylo fan fiction since the opening night I saw TLJ. Ive seen this movie a lot but thought it would be fun to watch it again and react. I guess I had a lot to comment on Rose and Finn and also DJ. Enjoy~

Wow these opening credits are super vague…

I really love this opening scene it’s 100% my favorite Star Wars opening.

Carrie Fishers daughter is super cool. Hux looks v tired and/or on drugs.

Sansa’s insane aunt from Game of Thrones. Love BB-8, I ship Poe and Hux more then Hux and Kylo tho. “punch it!” I love that they have enough time to say cute one liners when piloting a ship. THIS SCENE IS EDITED SO FUCKING WELL THOOOO. Its literally FLAWLESSLY edited. 2nd “punch it!” When the bombers show up my heart starts beating faster, my favorite action sequence ever. Not even thinking about how theres no gravity in space. I love Paige so much! Have I ever seen a asian woman save the day in a movie ever? Why are her hands so beautiful? I LOVE THE COSTUMES OF THIS MOVIE. I wonder where Kylo is? Finn bb!! I wonder why he’s in a storage room? This movie is SO SEXUAL. Love me some beautiful island porn. LOVE that Luke throws the saber, love subverting expectations. “Master Skywalker?” is so cute I have such a crush on Rey. Wow the huts are so cute. Daisy is literally so beautiful, want to be and also kiss her.  Progs, so cute. Rey literally doesn’t waste anything love it she takes the books later also. “Where’s Han?” and then cuts to Kylo love it. The fuck is a “cur”? ADAM DRIVER fuck. This room is so red, its so pretty. This movie is visually STUNNING. Ben’s hair is fucking glorious, also look at those LIPS! I just want him to be with Rey and happy. Ben is fucking loosing his mind Ryan made him look so broken I love it. “Prepare my ship!” is so sexy. Rey’s accent is so perfect. Literally what Luke said he doesn’t want to do he does by the end of the movie. Love poncho Rey! This island is so fucking cool I need more high quality pictures going around. The green milk is so funny. I love that Rey looks away from the creature in embarrassment but then not Ben’s naked chest. I need to take so many screenshots of this movie, theres so many moments people forget! Rey in the tree, so beautiful, I can’t wait to find out id those books give us any information next film. I hope the next film starts with the vision Rey and Ben saw next film. I want to see Reys dreams. I miss Carrie. 

Poe is so annoying, Leia is so right. What a great line, “get your head out of your cockpit”. How does Finn know what the binary beacon is? THIS is when shit goes down. I really like that everything in this movie goes wrong. “Follow my lead” so sexy. Ben is literally crying feeling his mothers presence. And yet people thing this isn’t a redemption story. *shakes my head* Even The First Orders uniforms are so crispty its beautiful. I really like that Leia saved herself. Finn looks so good in that jacket I’m so excited for his blue pants look. Chewy and Porgs is all I ever needed. The lights in the cockpit of the falcon are really beautiful. The shots in this movie are GORGEOUS. I feel like R2 has a really dirty mouth. I can’t wait for Ben and Rey to escape with the falcon from somewhere and then takeout. IM SO READY.  Luke is kinda creepy? Never liked Luke, Leia should have been the protagonist of the original trilogy. HOLDO is a BABE! Love her look and tone and everything she saids is bomb. I love that she talks about everyone else in the galaxy and the importance of keeping everyone hopeful. Why is there so much sexual tension between Poe and EVERYONE? I do feel like Poe is bi tho. Holdo is RIGHT, Poe is annoying and a dick. Sorry I don’t make the rules. He’s hot but wrong. Finn and Rose are so GOOD, it makes me so happy this whole scene. I’m sorry bb Rose I wish I could give her a hug. “Doing talking…” haha I love Kelly so much. Rose is v smart and I love that she stuns him and then drags him. DRAG HIM GIRL. All the men in this movie are making mistakes and the women are being smart this is true to life. Rose and Finn are honestly so perfect together. Its so annoying that Finn and Poe keep interrupting Rose, also true to life.  Maz in the next movie is gonna be into Reylo. Also “union dispute?” what the hell is Maz talking about? How and why does Poe know Maz? I love sleepy Rey, Ben isn’t even mad when he sees her. He looks her up and down so many times throughout this movie. He’s so in love before she is, its cute. Reys outfit is perfection. What Rey said actually wasn’t completely wrong. “s tension, a balance” REYLO! I love that they go into what the force is in this movie. Porgs on the ship is so cute, so is Rey in rain. Ben with his questions, I like that Ben is actually listening to her to see how she feels about him. HE LOOKED AT HER LIPS! WET GLOVES. Finn is so distracted. Pretty cool looks in the casino, those glasses are sweet. Finn/John is so hot. Love watching Rey with her staff. I need one of those belts. An ICON. Could listen to Rey’s theme all day. I feel so bad for the locals, Reys a little bit of a dick. Right when she decides to follow Luke I need that gif! This conversation is great but all I can focus on is the fact that Luke saids “huberous” twice always makes me anxious. I love space operas. Men failing, *a theme*. “I need someone to show me my place in all this” its Ben baby! DJ is cool, why does nobody talk about him. He’s such a interesting character. BB-8 is a badass. Fathiers are so beautiful. It was unnessicary for them to crash through the window and run inside, this whole case is too long. I can’t believe that they have already filmed most of the next movie. I like that Leia and Luke are talking. Now Reys asking the questions, she’s trying to understand him, she wants to understand him. I haven’t noticed till now how inconsistent their voices are over the force. Sleeping baby Ben is my favorite, with his calligraphy set? Precious. Did he show her his past? Or does she just believe him? I want to see the other cut scenes from Reys storyline. Its really cool to see Rey mirroring herself. This is a really cool scene. I’m so happy Ben has long hair in Episode 9. Bens already crying just from her telling him about how lonely she is!! They are eye fucking rn, I know what that look is. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SEEING!!! Luke fucking ruins everything. Ben must be freaking out rn. Yeah get him Rey! I love this fight in the rain. Rey is right. The thing is like how do you know someones completely evil? Who makes that judgement call? This scene is cool, love the look of Yoda. Its a lot of pressure on Rey to continue the Jedi order if she’s the one who knows all the stuff in the books, Im glad she grabbed them. “The greatest teacher failure is”, “we are what they grow beyond” GREAT QUOTES. Rose is a badass. DJ is kinda right tho. “Let me learn you something big” so funny. No one can tell me Rey didn’t wash up and get pretty for meeting Ben. Ben made sure he was the first face she saw, he looks hot. Sweet hacking skills. The iron is really fun editing, they all look really good in the uniforms. The first shot of the elevator scene is so sexual, Ben holding her lightsaber in front of him with her hands in handcuffs. Oofff.  Ryan made this scene as sexy as he could. Its so intimate. They want each other so bad. Rey whispers and leans in. Ben is so soft. His trying to hard to focus on his goal of killing Snoke and saving Rey. Rose is so salty “of course you do”. I feel like everyone puts up with Poe because he’s hot,  because he’s a dick. Another failed plan. Yeah Leia get him! I love that she just shoots. Her daughter surrendering is really funny. Leia and Holdo are so cute I hope they made out one night really drunk when they were younger that was ,y first thought when they held hands. I absolutely love Holdo’s hair. Reys outfit in the throne room is so cool. She’s so strong, Ben is trying so hard to keep it together in the back. Theres no way Snoke bridged their minds. Ben got so scared when he said that. “No” she’s so strong. Ben looks so sad. Oscar Issacs ass is fine! John is really good in this scene and Rose’s scream is terrifying. Murder in Bens eyes. Its really scary that Snoke has so much control over Rey. Rey with Bens saber is all I ever needed. Bens gloved fingers are v sexy. Also THAT FLICK! When they look at each other they know, there in love. THIS FIGHT IS EVERYTHING! When DJ saids “maybe” I felt that. They are so powerful together. I love watching them fight together, can’t wait for the 9! Ben fighting off 3 guards is so hot. Rey dropping her saber and backhanding ir is really hot. Wow this moment is so intense its so quiet. Im so mad Ben didn’t stop the fleet though. The way he saids Rey, why are both of their voices so hot. I need Rey to tell him off in the next movie the way he’s telling off her parents. “Please” murders me. Rey is so smart, she knows he isn’t good yet. This is Rey’s moment of “I know what I have to do” Its crazy that Rose and Finn almost died by being beheaded! The silent part is so beautiful. Why was Phasma so far away? BB-8 in that thing is pretty weird though. Finn is so powerful. He’s super reckless in this film. Rose is so good I want to be her and slide hug her. “Rebel scum” is such a good line. Snokes lower body falling off the throne is super graphic. Ben is so mad Rey left. I can’t wait to see more of soft Ben, I don’t like him choking Hux even though its Hux. Rose and Finn are very lucky they made it below that door. I think everyone always thinks of Rose and Finn as cute and funny, but they are honestly serious and smart. So many people died in this movie. I don’t understand how they aren’t wearing goggles if its salt, they would be crying right now. This run takes a lot more time then it is distance wise. Its so pretty though, so I don’t care. Rey and Chewy saving the day is my favorite thing. “Wooh I like this!” so cute. I love watching Rey shoot. The crystal creatures are so pretty. Finn no! Yes Rose! “I saved you… dummy. Thats how were gonna win, not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.” Rose is right everyone! Listen up! Why does Ben say “no prisoners”, maybe he is bad? I love Reylo I don’t understand I believe in Ben. Is he lying to himself? Could he actually kill his mother? Luke and Leia are so sweet. Also their conversation about Ben makes everything more confusing, so he’s not gone? Aw Luke kissing Leia’s forehead is really sweet. Lukes wink is funny. This music is so good. Finn taking care of Rose is my favorite thing. The editing is so beautiful. Rey in snow >>>> Also “Lifting rocks” how does she know thats what normal Jedi start training with? Ben is such a baby in this scene, he’s so upset. I love that Rey and Finn normalize intimate friendship. Ben is the truest definition of a ‘Dark Prince’ if Ive ever seen one. I’m really glad Luke died here, its time, the sunset it really nice. 

Bens eyes say it all here. Chewy and Leia so sweet. Reys smile is so AWW. Finn putting a blanket on Rose is the best. Rey knows she’s thinking about Ben. “We have everything we need” I bet Leia had a big part in 9 I’m so sad Carrie is gone :(

This last scene with the kids is really the perfect ending, HOPE.

[ohmygoat-in-sorry]

Journal Entry #2

This is my second journal entry, and I know I wrote one earlier today but after some research I learned its good to write one at least twice a day: one to start your day and one at night to reflect. After today’s first entry, I made some coffee because I genuinely like the smell, taste, and my cute mugs! But I have to get better at drinking water. I had two cups of coffee this afternoon, and just had my few sips of water just now. I even have a nice brita water bottle for drinking water out of! Besides that I ate a healthy egg & ham sandwich. It was deliiicous. Most of the day was spent inside. My goal before summer ends is to just go outside and do something. I think it was because I woke up late today I had little to no motivation to do anything. I applied to jobs despite the fact I have a second interview scheduled next week. I just don’t want to get my hopes up/have expectations. I am slightly nervous though because I don’t want to sound like an idiot? I feel like I am so fresh into the field and any word I say may sound childish or dumb. Ah, I started to notice especially in front of Jorge and his friends that I sound like a complete idiot or I say things that don’t make sense and people just stare at me and it makes me so uncomfortable. It’s a new security of mine, I usually just talk and people around me understand. Alright, I know I don’t make sense most of the time but they talk about things I do not have much knowledge about and its great because I learn new things but I also don’t know how to contribute to the conversation so I just stay quiet and listen. But its definitely hard for me to stay quiet or feel included in the conversation because I don’t know what to say. I also want to read more, I just don’t know what and I want a physical book but theres no book store in dumb arlington heights. Sigh, I really do miss being the city because each day there was something to do. I could really go outside and walk to a coffee shop or take a bus, a train ANYWHERE! And quickly come back to the apartment after a day of exploring. I don’t even have a car here and its so annoying because I truly feel stuck in bum fuck illinois. Maybe its a good thing that I am even considering moving to the coast. I was also searching, and it says that you should write, in my case type whatever comes to mind so today after staying inside and applying to jobs I relaxed and went to the store with my mom and sister thinking I was gonna buy pots but ended up buying them stuff. Ugh, idk I feel bad because I told her I needed pots but I guess not? Idk, I just didn’t find any that would’ve worked. I got flustered/frustrated over pots! I want to know the underlying problem to my short temper because it effects the people around me and I feel bad because I know it frustrates/annoys them when I get upset! I just don’t know why I get so anxious about every little thing and I want to know why or even what do about it. More research for me to do tonight.

[felixeslee]

92 q tag

hello this tag is highkey irrelevant now but it’s been in my drafts for ages so !! laskdgjasodigjsaldkgasodigjasdg which is why i wont b tagging anyone bc im so late but !! yeah !! ok !! !!!!!!!!!1111!!! lets !! go !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

tagged by @hyuunjins @hyunjinh @straykiz and @dae-hwee from my w1 blog (lmaoo hi pindi this is sarah!! AIddgsdfk if youre aware of this blog but hope its ok if i do it here alskdg ) 

rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose 25 people to be tagged. 

🌙 LAST

Drink: the water that I drank this morning!! Aka around 12 hrs ago asdgasdgoij pls stay hydrated kids 

Text Message: i texted my brother if he knew where my dad was lol,,,,,,, sldkjgaosidgj 

Phone Call: CALLED MY BROTHER BC HE WASNT RESPONDING MY TEXTS,,,,, he also didn’t pick up ldskgjsoidgjsldkgsjdg

Song you listened to: Goodbye My Love by Aileeeee <3 lovv 

Time you cried: TODAY ,,,, i was getting super anxious bc i didn’t know where my dad was ??? he was supposed to pick me up but he forgot abt me until like an hr later… sldkgjaosidgj 

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: no :00 lmao i’ve never dated… ever alskdjgaoijsdf 

Kissed someone and regretted it: i havent had my first kiss yet HEH 

Lost someone special: unfortunately, yes :( 

Been depressed: sdgksjadoiglskdfosdijgalskdfaosdigjaksdgoaisdjf idk 

Been drunk and thrown up: lmao i’ve never drank ,,, at all,,,, the smell of alchohol scares me,,,,, evn my little brother has had a sip once and he’s 5 yrs younger LMAO ,,, but im a noob and don’t wanna try sldkgjosidjgs 

🌙 IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made a new friend: yay yes yeslgkdgsdf

Fallen out of love: i dont think i’ve ever evn been in love…. Sdlgksjdoigj 

Met someone who changed you: yes,,,,,,,,, 

Found out who your true friends are: uhhhh idk aslkdgjaosidjf i honestly can never tell when someone’s being a fake friend so!!!!!! Idk honestly lmao

Found out someone was talking about you: i did ! but it wasn’t for anything bad or anything……… they just criticized me behind my back?? But i agreed w their criticism so alsdkjgaosidgj  

🌙 GENERAL

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: ummm,,,, like 4?? We r mutuals evn though none of them r actually kpop blogs,,,, so i always feel guilty spamminig their aesthetic feed w my screaming tags and annoying shit LMAO but i lov them <3 

Do you have any pets?: NO :”( I WANT A DOGGO THO …. REALLY BAD…..

Do you want to change your name?: uhhh ik so many sarahs its not evn funny and my last name is hella basic too????? Theres 3 ppl that share my first+last name in my school alone….. So maybe i’d change it to my chinese name (yue) ?? also bc it sounds more sophisticated,, and i lov anything that makes me sound smarter than the reality of my dumb self LOL 

What time did you wake up this morning: LOL so my alarm rings at 6:40 but i get out of bed at 7:10 SLDGKJSODIF … and i need to get out of the house by 7:20 lsdkgsdoig 

What were you doing last night: physics and apush :SLDGJOSIDFJ the 2 most dreaded classes UGH

Something you cannot wait for: DINNER .. i love me some gud dinner

Have you ever talked to a person named tom?: thomas jefferson my mAN 

What’s getting on your nerves right now: when it’s so heckin cold i can’t concentrate + i hate taking notes when it’s cold??? Bc then my hands r like half numb and it HURTS WHEN I TAKE NOTES sldkgsoidjf ALSO WHEN I DRAW ,,,,, STIFF FINGERS R THE WORST WHEN DRAWING

Blood type: i think a????????????

Nickname: my most common ones r swisso + salad (i promise these make sense in context LOL ) 

Relationship status: return NullPointerException; //im a cs person,,, dont judge

Zodiac sign: capricorn!

Pronouns: she + her

Favorite show: i dont watch many shows but i love watching a gud studio ghibli movie when im feelin down

College: this QUESTION LSDKGJSODIGJ ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wanna go to college but will any accept me ??!?!

Hair colour: its naturally black but it’s currently dyed ombre from black → brown !!!!!!

Do you have a crush on someone: i havent had a legit crush in 3 yrs lmao……. 

What do you like about yourself: the fact that im a deep sleeper. Idk how light sleepers function omg like wouldn’t u wake up to like,,,,, everything??! :((( that makes me sad bc u hav no idea how much i lov a nice long undisturbed slumber

   🌙 FIRSTS

First surgery: okAY so like i've had 2 procedures done on my eyes lmaooo like (1) when i was a smol beb of like 1 yr old i rolled off my bed aaaannnnddd the corner of my eye hit the edge of the sharp corner of the bedside table!!! and then y1ke$ things got ugly loll (((yes, i wuz dum + clumsy since the day i popped from the womb))) its all stitched up now and i hav a tinie tinie scar aslkdgs okay and (2) there was something weird abt my tearducts LOL so u know when u get sad nd stuff ur nose gets runny and u sniff a lot??? well like that wasn't the case for me bc the passage way from my eyes to my nose was completely blocked off,,,,, which resulted in me lookin like i was full blown cryin like every 2 seconds... like if i kept my eyes open for too long my eyes would get watery and tears would flow out LMAO ,,,, i looked like i just never stopped crying,,, but it was just my eyes were just ALWAYS WATERING sdlgjsdif damn u have no idea after the procedure i was like 'do ppl live like this??? not having to wipe tears every 0.2 sec??? oh my god,,, i am livin THE LIFE' 

First piercing: i hav no piercings!!! Bc stabbing holes thru myself scares me sdlkjgsoidg but i love the way earrings look tho so :///// 

First sport you joined: dance or gymnastics???? I dont rly remember

First vacation: CHINA prob???? 

First pair of sneakers: i think sketchers LMAO ,,, the big thing  

🌙 RIGHT NOW

Eating: nothing!!!!!

I’m about to: do som sketches for my AP art class 

Listening to: my dad sing som old chinese folk stuff behind me LOL 

Want kids: i already adopted all 9 members of stray kids tho ??? idk if im ready for more atm 

Get married: LOL This question just reminded me of smol story from my childhood: so like i used to b rly close w these 3 other kids,,,, one other girl and 2 guys,,, and our parents were all rly tight too,, and our four families would just go camping together and it was rly :’’D fun and so we all made a pact that I would marry one of the guys and the other girl would marry the other guy and we’d all go camping together forever but then KINDERGARTEN HIT,,,, we moved schools and yeah im still rly close w the girl but i miss the 4 of us dkgjsodigjsdlkgsdf LOL 

Career: waterbottle 🌙 

WHICH IS BETTER

Lips or eyes: eyes? Eh idk i just never rly considered lips ?? LOL 

Hugs or kisses: hugs? I dont hav experience w kisses so sldkgjsoidgjsd yike syikes yikes 

Shorter or taller: TALLER

Troublemaker or hesitant: uhhhhh neither??? Like i just want someone playful + extroverted bc im quite introverted,,,,,,,,,, so if he was hesitant we’d just b super awkward and quiet,,, and i don’t like getting involved w sketchy troublemaker shit either LOL ,,, 

Older or younger: as long as they r in the same school grade level,,,, and i guess 1-2 yrs older is okaY? But lowkey freaks me out if too old 

Romantic or spontaneous: sldkgjsoidfj both? Like i lov someone who is unpredictable and spontaneous,,,, but on the other hand im lowkey a helpless romantic lasdkgjaoisdjf 

Sensitive or loud: both i guess too??? Its good to have someone understanding and sensitive but also someone who knows how to have fun  :) 

Hookup or relationship: hookups,,,,,,,, just dont make sense to me,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i get attached to someone p easily so even if i dont plan on being attached,,,, i’d probably get attached :(  

🌙 HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: YIKES no 

Drank hard liquor: nO 

 Lost contacts/glasses: UH I HATE THIS BUT YES….. 

Sex on first date: yikes * (6.02 *10^23) adkgaosidjgaslkdf no thaNK you 

Broken someone’s heart: i dont know,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, like i might’ve but maybe im just not aware ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but on a sidenote i think my old comupter science teacher gets a migrain everytime he sees me LOLLLLLL sdlgjsoidgjsldf 

Been arrested: no,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, :0 

Turned someone down: yeah lmao i kinda feel bad tho bc they were all good ppl,,,,  lskjgosidjf but thankfully im still good friends and pretty tight w all of them ~  

🌙 DO YOU BELIEVE

In yourself: ocassionally i try to :’’D

Miracles: lol yes 

Love at first sight: i used to ? but not anymore,,,, like i believe u can be attracted to someone at first sight ?? but i feel like love cannot be attained thru visual contact only asldgjoasidjalsdg

[sparkknightella]

A Mistake Person

HEYO all of y'all are suddenly interested in my writing and wowza i cried thank u all!!

THIS WAS BASED ON REAL LIFE EVENTS!! I’M EDDIE!! MY CRUSH IS RICHIE!! I’M A DUMBASS!!! but my crush didn't say cute shit they just said thanks haha

warnings: possible cringe?? BLOOD!!! THERES A BLOODY PICTURE YO

This is lowkey a texting fic so whoops. (also softboirich is my actual instagram follow me (that was slick as hell))

-

Eddie scrolled through Richie’s page for the fiftieth time that day. Hoping, wishing, praying his crush would post something and he could feel himself fall in love all over again.

“Dude, stop pining and just message him already. He can’t be that full of himself. Anyway, if he is rude, you deserve better.”

“Stan! That’s not how that works! Messaging someone out of the blue is totally weird and not okay like you’re just bugging that person and anywa-“

A pillow flew at Eddie’s face. He could feel his stomach unclenching and his mind unclouding from the haze of nerves it had been.

“Jesus, fine, stop with the projectiles.”

He looked back down at his phone.

Eddie rushed to send a message to his now-injured crush.

eddddie.k: Baby, holy fuck, are you okay? What the fuck happened?

He sent the message without proof reading. Without giving a second thought to what he said.

Stan leaned over and glanced at the message. “Did you realize you called him baby?”

“Wait, I what?”

Cue stomach clench. Cue a crazed squeal. Cue a punch to Stan’s shoulder.

eddddie.k: HAHA holy shit i didn’t mean to call you baby i’m sorry i totally overstepped my bounds.

He waited a few seconds.

eddddie.k: I hope your hand feels better.

•

He and Stan played Mario Kart to distract Eddie from the monumental mistake he believed he made.

“Dude, I still don’t understand why you like Luigi so much, he’s so boring! Yoshi or death.”

“Well, Viva la Luigi asshole.”

He picked up his phone to make sure his mother hadn’t texted him demanding for him to come home.

softboirich: its all good, no bounds to overstep!

softboirich: bummed about my hand though, can’t play for like a week unless i want to fuck up my hand more

Eddie squealed and threw his phone at Stan.

“You made me message him! What the fuck do I say!”

Stan picked up the phone and read the messages. “Dude, it’s just another human being. He’s no better than us, also he already follows you? It’s no big deal.”

eddddie.k: you could put band-aids on, would that even work?

Eddie put his phone face down and looked at Stan, clearly panicking. Stan started cracking up.

“Shut the hell-“

He felt his phone vibrate and picked it up.

softboirich: i tried, they split open again.

eddddie.k: wait!! what if you played with your other hand.

Stan saw Eddie getting wrapped up in texting and waved a goodnight, heading to the Kaspbrak’s spare bedroom.

Eddie gave a halfhearted nod in his direction.

Richie was already texting back!

softboirich: i don’t have a left handed guitar

eddddie.k: what? left handed guitars are a thing?

eddddie.k: WAIT

eddddie.k: cause the strings are in a certain order!

softboirich: like a piano, yeah

eddddie.k: i’m probably so annoying, i’m sorry. I’m completely wasting your time

softboirich: actually, you’re neither

eddddie.k: are you sure? cause my stress is ready to ready

He reread his message. Eddie’s stomach clenched. He could feel his cheeks flush bright red. Ready to ready? What kind of dumbass was he?

eddddie.k: ready to go*** oh my god that’s so embarrassing

softboirich: NO IM SURE!

softboirich: also, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, don’t ever feel anxious when talking to me, i know how much it sucks.

Eddie’s head was spinning. He was so happy and his cheeks were closer to a red balloon’s hue than they were to an actual skin tone. God, he’s so cool. And cute.

Now, Eddie only intended to say the former. Only intended to justify his nervousness. Instead he totally fucked up.

eddddie.k: You’re just so goddamn cute

eddddie.k: COLL*

eddddie.k: COOL*

Now Eddie waited, wishing he could disappear. Wishing he could delete his account. Delete his existence.

softboirich: THANK YOU!!!!

softboirich: you’re cute too

Eddie Kapsbrak was officially a puddle of a boy. His heart raced. His cheeks flushed even darker.

softboirich: your mom is cuter tho

-

send requests in!! don't be shy!! or be shy and send them anonymously!!

[i-amusemyself]

All Emoji Asks.

🐰 what is one secret youve never told anyone?I don't really have that many secrets. I guess theres a side of my personality that I spend a lot of energy supressing like hell that I hate with a passion.💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?Right now? My best friend right next to me or my friend back home.🐹 what are some of your favourite pokemons and why?I mean, I only ever played pokemon go, but from that I loved the squirtles and the evees just bc theyre cute af🌠 if you were in charge of the world what would it be like?A lot more chilled out. Chill pills would be mandatory.👀 what was the most recent vivid dream you had?Okay I had two freaking weird ones the other night?In one I was a 10 y/o muslim girl going to a new primary school and while I was there I started raising money for a cancer charity.In the other I was taking a really hard A level maths exam and getting stressed and mad bc everyone kept talking and I couldnt finish it in time.☀ what do you like most about your best friend?EVERYTHING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Idk, I guess how forgiving and layed back she is. She always tries to understand and see things from your point of view.😘 talk about your crush or partnerLmao I'm alone 😂 I do have a crush but its a million miles from mutual so like, shes amazing but boi it hurts 😂💁 if someone was rude to you would you be rude back?Depends on how well I know them and what they're like tbh. I'll banter, but I avoid confrontation.🌟 what do you like about yourself? (3 things)😂😂😂 wow erm...1. I always try and put in all the energy I have if someone/something needs it2. I make loads of terrible puns its gr93. I really dont have any other qualities idk🐾 what are you scared of most? How will you overcome it?👏 I'm terrified of abandonment 👏 aaaand as of yet I have no idea how to deal with it ngl🎁 what never fails to make you happy?Really good stand up commedy or my favourite music💙 what annoys you about some people?Their complete lack of self-awareness. Idk, maybe I'm low key jealous too but srsly some people????😤 do you get angry easily?Yeah. I keep pretty good tabs on it so you probs wouldnt know it, but if something upsets me, chances are I'm hella pissed too.🐇 what do you always daydream about?Dramatic and upsetting situations or drunk situations 😂🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?1. Sort out equality and all that jazz2. Divide up the land more equally, bc it pisses me off that some people are living in tiny cramped shacks and others have 100 mile square farms.3. End capitalism and with that make all necessary services free.🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?Anon?✈ what is your dream city and why?I mean Ive always wanted to go to copenhagen but theres no guarantee its gonna be my fave. My fave so far is Amsterdam bc its so peaceful and the architecture is to die for.☕ talk about your ideal day?Spend it with my best friend/crush. Lay in bed late and be lazy and watch good TV/movies. Maybe go out in the afternoon to not go stir crazy and entertain ourselves. Stay up kinda late talking about deep shit, lying underneath the stars.🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?Ambivert!💧 when was the last time you cried?Yesterday lmao 😂 i havent gone more than 2 days without crying in the past week 😧 I just got myself into a nice Depression Episode.🎵 name 5 songs you like atm?Argh I havent listened to music in so long (7 days...) umm so things i wanna listen to- youth by daughter- voices by Motionless in white- living dead girl by rob zombie- corpse roads by keaton hensen- lost boy by troye sivan⚡ if you had any superpower what would it be and why?Mind reading bc my anxiety would be halved.💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?I'd tell myself to stop trying to fit in and be like everybody else because the people I know are just a tiny portion of the population and really aren't much to aspire to. I'd tell myself to drop all my shitty friends because it would stop me from dealing with a lot of crap later on. I'd point myself in the right direction of the better people 😂I'd teach myself how to stand up for myself and how to not take any crap.And I'd give myself a hug and tell myself it's okay not to be cishet, because maybe if I could turn back time and start to deal with it earlier I'd be okay with it now.💚 who are you jealous of and why?A lot of people really, with qualities I don't have.I suppose one kid in particular is like, everything i want to be. Kind, hillarious, confident, close to people I love. 💎 what would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? Why?Bravery or kindness?? Its hard to have one without the other. Also beauty ngl bc im fugly.🙊 what are you ashamed of?My gender and sexuality 👏🌺 which languages do you know? Which do you want to learn?I know english and spanish and I'm learning Danish. Hopefully once I'm okay at danish I can learn arabic. Ill be satisfied after that 😂☘ if you could be any fictional characters friend/lover who would it be and why?I mean, theres plenty of fictional lesbians where im like 😏👀 but honestly if I had to pick only one person I'd choose Kieren Walker from in the flesh bc he needs a friend and I relate to him so strongly.☁ talk about your dream universe.Mental and physical illness doesnt exist. People arent dicks. Everything is free. No one feels unloveable.💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?Idk I'm p much done for the day 😂 I've been helping out around the house all day tho🐬 if you could transform into any animal what would it be and why?I mean i might be biased but either a dog or a sloth bc they get to sleep all the time 😂🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike.Someone I was best friends with for 4 years suddenly turned around and stabbed me in the back, made up shit about me, arranged that all my friends not talk to me for a fortnight, sent group emails stuffed with emotional manipulation and blamed me for her suicidal thoughts. I nearly ended it. Now I get to watch my friends still loving her like she isn't the world's most heartless person. It makes my blood boil.😣 talk about something that has been making you depressed/angry/anxious.I'm staying with my best friend rn and I can't stand the thought of going home.🍪 what did you want to be as a kid and what do you want to be now?I wanted to be a nurse and now I wanna be a doctor 👏 variety 👏🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?I cant really eat sugar 😂 so fuck knows? Chocolate?🍑 what are you obsessed with?Brains, thought processes, psychopaths, graveyards and more 😂💘 what happens to you when youre stressed?I just get really emotional and start agressively making lists everywhere in an attempt to sort my life out.😪 what are you sick of?Humanity.🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?Yeah its terrible 😂 i hate anxiety but I also kinda love it when my heart races.💥 what are some unpopular opinions you have?I....dont? I cba with discourse lifes too short.☔ would you consider yourself a good person?I think anyone with good intentions is usually a good person so yeah😊 what do you do as hobbies?Sleep, binge watch netflix and blog 😂🎤 whats the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?👏👏👏 Mr Brightside 👏👏👏 what a jam 👏👏👏🐝 whats your worst trait?Being waaayyy too clingy.🌷 whats your mbti personality type and why do you think it suits you?ISFJ and yeah defo, its the defender and I feel that tbh🐶 send me 3 fictional people and ill choose my favourite.Anon?👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?Kaitlyn Alexander is my bae.Besides that I dont really....obsess over any celebrities? Eliza taylor is doing p good 😂 ummm also some youtubers? Do they count?🐴 opinion on __?Its a great bit of punctuation.🍋 do you consider yourself to be an emotional person?Lmfaoooooo YES📚 share 3 books you love and your favourite quotes from them.M8. Thats not gonna happen 😂 I love any book that makes me cry but I cannot quote a single word.😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? Does it work?Find a quiet corner, shut my eyes and listen to my Depression Playlist. It doesn't always make me feel better but it helps me ride it out.🙂 what thoughts keep you going when you're sad?The thoughts of uni and that I'll hopefully meet some great new people. Also my best friend. Just in general 😂🌎 which country do you live in?England.🐧 describe yourself in 3 words?Awkward, tall and shy.🙉 what quotes changed you?"Pick your fights" bc as much as its a meme it helps me chill outAlso "everything is temporary" and "the sun will rise and we will try again".💭 do you keep a diary?I have a personal blog which acts as a diary yeah💫 who inspires you?Kaitlyn Alexander!! (Listen theyre like the first nb representation I ever knew and I relate so much to everything they say and theyre so cute and talented)👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?I mean, my initial response is no. Because we're just bags of flesh made up of cells and when we die those cells die so theres nothing to live on.But tbh we know so little about the universe I'm open to the possibility of anything at this point.🎀 whats your fashion sense like?Dior. I know what clothes I like and think look good but I never like them on me.🎬 what are some of your favourite films?Deadpool, My sisters keeper, pitch perfect 2 ermm🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?UmmmmmmmmmmmmWhen I first got my bunny, that was an amazing day!!🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?Um my soulmate? Where are they at?