#and also give him freedom from his own rigid mindset of what he thinks he deserves

[grimalkinmessor]

Was thinking about Light Yagami—again, help—and thought "If Light Yagami wants something, then he's going to get it" but then I realized. No. No, that's not right. Because Light is also the type of guy to convince himself that he doesn't want things. So like,,,only in surges of destructive behavior does he insist on getting what he wants.

Someone spills wine on Light's shirt? Laugh it off but start up a thirty-two step plan to ruin their life.

Light wants some ice cream? No he doesn't. What are you talking about? He's never wanted any sort of dessert in his life because that would be childish and also selfish of him.

An uncle called him a 'sissy boy' for playing the piano? Uncover the drugs in his car and, if there aren't any, plant some. Make sure they're discovered at the largest family gathering possible in front of plenty of witnesses. He will spend seven years in jail.

Light likes a certain band and wants to listen to their music, go to a concert even? Nope. Never heard of them. Who? He doesn't need CDs and his father just bought him a computer for school so really a music player would be excess. Plus he's not one of those heathens that likes to study to music, obviously.

And thinking about that, I think L breaks him out of that mindset by teasing out Light's pettiness. L turns everything into a challenge, a game to win, so Light's more "foolish" wants are no longer childish—they're a victory. L turns Light's simplest desires into petty revenge, and so he'll chase them.

Light would never ask or even search for an expensive gourmet breakfast food on his own, but handcuff him to L and have him watch his every meal, then Light's damn well going to make sure he enjoys it. Light wants silk pajamas because the sheets are uncomfortable, Ryuzaki, really—it has nothing to do with the fact that you turned the thermostat down when Light said he was cold. Suddenly Light enjoys ice cream again but only when it comes from L's bowl when he's not looking.

[ivyaugustetc]

hello!! i'm giving you pure creative freedom here, do whatever you please!!

i'll try my best to describe myself, as that is my fatal flaw. i have green eyes and messy brown hair. my classic scent is marine water and driftwood. im a entp, aquarius, and slytherin. i use the pronouns she/her. i'm extremely stubborn, i have a good sense of humor, and i love learning. i also love to argue/debate, and i'll do anything to win [even if I'm wrong, but i'm never wrong ;)]. i probably need glasses, but alas, my stubbornness kicks in so i'll never admit it. my favourite hobbies are reading, writing, researching, and baking. i love learning about all types of mythology + astrology. i have a knack for history, and i'm super into foraging, although I don't get to practice it much! i play many sports, some of which including ice hockey, baseball, and volleyball. i would describe my aesthetic as a mix of academia, cottagecore, and goblincore. i have an extremely flirtatious personality, even when i don't mean to come across that way. my friends say i have an old soul- they also say i'm a nerd but we don't talk about that. i was on our schools honor roll and I received two other awards, one for my academic achievement and one for my leadership skills. i am a die-hard romantic, although i'm the person you least expect it from.

hopefully this information will suffice!! I'm excited to see what you come up with :)

hey!! this is so much good information omg i love it i have SO MUCH, this one was so fun to write. okay okay here we go:

ship: i ship you with cameron + you would be besties with meeks and stick!

notes:

you're like a more adventurous version of cameron, and that's something that simultaneously draws him to you and give him a healthy fear of you ;)

allow me to elaborate: he's convinced that he can get good grades and keep himself stable whilst keeping his head down and doing his work—you manage to do both of those things while being an absolute firecracker of a person

and besides just school, you're into so many other forms of learning and all these other athletic pursuits that he's just like how can one person do all these things and be great at it???

little bit of enemies to lovers coming up here

at some point in class you'd get paired up for a debate and spend a lot of your time socializing with your group mates and having a good time, which cameron, in all of his smug hard work, thinks is a good thing because he'll be able to crush you in the debate

long story short, he does not

you end up in a heated debate in the front of the classroom, both of you just throwing knowledge back and forth at each other with so much aggression and of course you wipe the floor with him and win the whole thing

you just brush it off because duh, ofc you won you're always right, but cameron cannot stop thinking about it

it haunts him for so long that he eventually goes over to your dorm, knocks on the door, and when you open it he asks, "how did you do it." "what do you mean?" "the debate."

and so you invite him in and show him how you planned out your argument and stuff and he's like "...it's oddly simple?" and thus you introduce him to the fact that you can be smart and do well without being wound up so tight that you might spontaneously convulse ;)

he still doesn't believe you, so you take it upon yourself to show him the magic of not giving a shit while also giving a shit

you encourage him to have fun and think more freely rather than within the rigid guidelines of how the school teaches you to think

you show him that there's more to life than just work, something he probably wouldn't have been able to figure out on his own

and he starts to enjoy not just the new mindset, but hanging out with you and getting to know you :)

onto you and meeks!

you and meeks are similar in the having an old soul, he gives me really smart old man trapped in a teenager's body kinda vibes??

but you always want to be grouped with him for projects and stuff because you get the info dump and he makes it neat and organized

and at some point when cameron asks him about you, he describes you as someone who's really nice and fun to be around

i firmly believe that meeks loves mythology and astrology as well and therefore you would have conversations about it that would last HOURS about everything pertaining to those subjects

like a teacher would say something semi controversial and you'd lean over to meeks and whisper "that's very scorpio of him to say" and he'd be like "i was thinking the exact same thing"

onto your partner in crime (and my future husband but whatever), stick!!

this boy represents your chaotic side,,,, sO WELL

i have this weirdly specific idea that you would meet because you could simply not see the board (but again, you're too stubborn to get glasses) and you would ask to borrow his for a second and he would just. go with it.

and now every time the teacher writes something on the board, he just hands you his glasses long enough for you to write down the info in your notes

i just imagine you two walking down the hallways together, cackling over your own jokes and thinking you're the actual epitome of comedy (which u are, duh)

he would listen to your sports talk because he doesn't play sports but his brother does so he knows all about them

he gets the flirtatious personality and he also has one lmao which leads to some,,, interesting conversations that piss cameron off

but as i said, you're this free spirit that makes everyone around you smile, even richard "stick up his ass" cameron ;)

[lihikainanea]

Tiger doing something to make Bill spank her and when he does, she starts sobbing. The poor thing is tired, fussy, and he finishes it up, but immediately scolded her for planning a punishment.

UnnnnnfffffffFFFFFFF FUCK my heart.

Follow me down this delicious rabbit hole.

Look, we’ve talked a lot about how tiger gets what she needs out of spankings, but sometimes--maybe at the beginning--she also uses them as a way to get penance, in a bad way. Tiger’s a martyr, there’s no two ways about it. And when she feels like she deserves punishment, like she deserves tough love, sometimes she’ll goad him into it. And I cannot stress enough that this is not right on her behalf, if she needs something she knows she can ask for it. But maybe...maybe tiger kind of doesn’t even realize that she’s doing this. Bad moods can kind of spiral, you know? Our minds can get away on us. And something as simple as feeling down can quickly dissolve into feeling unworthy, into seeking out pain, whether she realizes it or not.

So I think she’s maybe gotten herself into a really bad headspace, she’s feeling a whole lot unworthy, and you know what would go well with these bad feelings? Some pain. And this is different than the context of punishment, much different. Punishment is about absolve, it’s about forgiveness, it’s about correction. It’s about breaking the rules of their dynamic but being worthy of Bill’s correction, of his love and care and comfort, and his dedication to her and what she needs. His ability to provide it for her.

Pain is about...it’s about basking in the wrongdoing. It’s about setting up camp and living in that headspace of I am worthless, I am unworthy, and the only thing I should feel is pain. That’s what she’s seeking, here. There’s nothing about forgiveness in it--tiger’s emotions are a mess and she’s looking for the physical manifestation of it to just drive her further into her thoughts and magnify her truth. And that is awful.

But humans are complex, too. And I probably won’t explain this properly. Maybe her approach is exactly that, maybe that’s how she feels--that she’s worthless, deserves the pain, looks for it because there is comfort in chaos when it’s all you’ve ever known. But she’s probably conditioned now, too, because this has been part of their dynamic for so long--that yes spankings hurt, but there’s almost a Pavlovian response now--and it’s one of forgiveness, second chances. Whether she realizes it or not, she may seek the pain without realizing that she’s still getting all the good things in return, because she’s so conditioned by it.

But it’s the approach. God it’s always the approach that’s key.

So maybe she’s goading Bill into a punishment. The poor kid is so caught up in her head, she’s so uncomfortable, she’s mad and sad and full of anxiety and worthless feelings and she’s just having a really hard time. And she’s breaking every single fucking rule she can think of--she’s snapping back at him, giving him some serious lip, doing some reckless shit, she’s not eating. Hell maybe she’s even going out. Self destructive behaviours are a hell of a thing, you know? So maybe after an argument that shouldn’t have even been an argument because all he was asking her to do was eat something, maybe she stormed out. Went out to a bar, didn’t tell him where she was, and came back much later that night. And when she walked in, Bill was standing in the hallway, only a few lights on, his arms crossed as he glowered at her.

“Where were you?” he demands. But it’s calm--it’s thick with unbridled emotion, but it’s eerily calm.

“The fuck does it matter,” she snaps, bends to toe off her boots. She shrugs her  jacket off and flings it over the couch, only because Bill hates messes.

“Tiger,” she can see his jaw tick as his teeth clench, “We have rules.”

“Fuck your rules,” she seethes, “And fuck you. I needed some freedom for this fucking prison you created that you somehow think I want.”

But Bill is not stupid. Bill knows that tiger has a safe word, and if she meant what she was saying, then she’d use it right now. And while her words are angry, spiteful, horrible and while her lip curls as she spits them at him...somehow, there’s a red flag in his brain. Something is lacking its usual malice in all of what she’s saying. He sizes her up, really takes a minute to drink her in. Bill’s instinct is bulletproof regardless, but when it comes to tiger? When it comes to the girl he knows better than he even knows himself? It’s fucking impenetrable. And when he looks at her, he sees pain. He sees the despair, the emotional turmoil that has been raging inside of her that she can’t deal with. And he knows what she wants--she wants the punishment, so she can become her own self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling worthless. She wants the pain, the fury of it all.

But hurting her is a hard limit. And punishing her when she’s solely after the pain of it is something he is never going to do.

So instead, he grabs her elbow as she walks by him, he backs her up and all but throws her back into the wall when he reaches it, and he closes a hand around her throat. He does this to see her reaction, to see if he’s right, and sure enough--the sheer look of defiance in her eyes, the way she practically snarled but then leaned more forcefully into his hand to choke herself more is all the confirmation he needs.

“I know what you’re doing,” he sneers at her, “And I’m not playing tiger. Do you fucking hear me?”

He doesn’t wait for her to answer. Instead he takes his hands off her, stalks away, and goes to calm down in his office.

And it takes awhile. It takes a long ass time. Tiger needs to go through every emotion in the book. She needs to feel the rage at what just happened, the betrayal, the anger that has zero reason behind it. She needs to feel all of the anxiety at its peak, the despair of it, before she finally kind of...collapses. And this is why I think it’s complicated, and why I said it’s all about the approach. I think tiger needs the spanking, I think she needs the pain that is followed by the sheer relief. And if she approaches it with that mindset--Bill will give it to her. Because it’s what she needs to feel better. But what he absolutely WON’T do is give that to her just so she can feel worse and be sadistically happy in that state.

My mind kind of splits here. Part of me likes the idea that maybe she’s a mess, calling out for him, and he goes to her. But I also really like that tiger is coming in to her own, she’s getting better at being vulnerable with him. And I think she had a real hard few hours when she got home--she was just so fucking furious. It took hours. But fury is such a heightened emotion, it’s such a high, that it’s always followed by a crash--and that’s usually sadness, despair, neediness. So maybe after a shower, maybe once she scrubbed all of her heavy make up off, she pulled on one of his t-shirts and just sort of...started to regret a lot.

And maybe--man I love this thought--maybe she realized that she needs his help to pull her out. Maybe she realized that she wants his help to pull her out.

So with a mug of tea in hand, she knocks on his office door and then opens it.

“Hi, kid,” he says softly. Bill is incredible with that--he doesn’t carry a chip on his shoulder, and he recognizes the strength it took for her to come to him. He’s going to welcome it, he’s going to encourage her to do it every time, and he won’t ever have a snarky remark for it. If she knocks on the door after a heated argument, the only thing she’ll be met with is his kindness and his comfort. Every time.

“Hi,” she says, and her voice cracks, “I, um...I made you tea.”

She walks over hastily, her eyes downcast, and clumsily plunks it onto his desk. But she does it too hard, and some of the liquid sploshes over.

“Thank you,” he says calmly. He’s watching her, but her eyes are on her feet, her breathing getting more rapid. She runs a hand roughly through her hair, scrubbing it down her face nervously after.

“You’re okay,” he soothes, and it’s steady and calm but a little firm. It’s grounding.  Because he can sense her anxiety rising and the way her movements are twitchy, rigid, “You’re okay, tiger.”

With a deep breath, she looks skyward and then just drops to her knees, slowly crawls to him and puts her hands on his knees. He turns his chair a little so that he’s facing her, and he waits.

“I need to be spanked,” she says, “And I know I didn’t ask for it the right way,  but Bill I need it from you and I need it to hurt.”

He doesn’t touch her, he just waits. And it takes a little while, but after swiping at her nose with her wrist, her gaze tentatively reaches his.

“Tiger, I won’t punish you for no reason,” he says softly, “That’s not part of our deal, kid.”

“I know it isn’t,” she says, and she’s doing her best to maintain his gaze even if it’s a bit fleeting, “But I need it.”

“Why do you need it?”

“Because it makes me feel...worthy,” she says meekly and his heart breaks, “It makes me feel like I did something bad, but that you want me enough to correct it.”

He stays quiet.

“Bill I...there’s a lot of bad stuff. A lot of it, that I’m trying to find my way out of. And you mean the world to me, so if I know that you think I’m worthy--that you....still want me, want to help me be good for you--then it helps me feel worthy and wanted too, right now.”

His heart is breaking for her, and he can’t stand that she would ever think this way about herself. But he looks at her there on the floor in front of him, after a emotionally-charged day, and now she has the courage to be this vulnerable, to tell him the horrible inner workings of her brain and ask him for some relief. He rests a hand on her head, scratching softly.

“Tiger, I don’t like it,” he murmurs, and he bends to kiss her head, “I don’t like it, but I understand. And I want to give you what you need, always.”

He helps her to her feet, standing up as he takes her face gently in his hands.

“Look at me, tiger,” he says, and she does. It’s hard for her, but she does, “I’m doing this because you’re worthy. You’re more than worthy. I’m doing this because I want you, and I love you. I don’t like it, and I hate that you feel like you need it, but I’ll give it to you.”

She sniffles.

“Do you understand?” he asks.

“Yes,” she nods, “Bill, it has to hurt. I need it to be hard.”

“It will be, tiger,” he says and he bends her over the desk, resting her front on it as he fists her hair at the nape of her neck, tugging her panties down with his other hand.

“You’ll get 10, because this is what you need. Tiger, I’m going to go hard. What do you say if it’s too much and you need me to stop?”

“Pineapple,” she mumbles, “Or red.”

“Count them, kid.”

And I think this is actually....I think this is really hard on Bill this round. Because he knows how hard he’s going, and he knows it has to be hurting her. He sees that she’s crying, her sobs getting louder and louder and her flinches more violent every time his hand lands. But he has to get himself through it, he has to trust her to say her safe word if he’s going too hard. He doesn’t like doing it, he hates that she feels this way, but also recognizes that he really is giving her some relief. He really is telling her that she is worthy to him, that he wants her, even if he doesn’t think this is how he should prove it. It’s not about him, in these situations. It’s about tiger, and loving her, making her feel safe in a way that she can understand--whether or not he agrees with it.

[oliveskylarks]

~lwj astrological birth chart analysis~

hi!!! i was thinking about lan zhan’s birthday, and i got a bit curious as to what his birth chart would look like. i did a lot of guessing and interpreting here- i know there’s no official canon year in our history that this all takes place, and that its reaaaaaally difficult to get outer/generational planets right that far back in time. i did my best. enjoy!!

Aquarius Sun

The Aquarius Sun is, above all else, an individual. They strive for their independence and freedom, in whatever form that may take. Ruled by Uranus, they value and look forward to drastic changes and seek to differ from others around them. They are skilled in dealing with facts, logic, and ideas. They have razor sharp intuition, and they usually learn to rely on it early in their lives. Because of this, the Aquarius tends to stick to their beliefs on what is right and what is wrong, and usually cannot be swayed from this, unless shown concrete evidence to the contrary. The combination of these traits create an engaged spirit that seeks to maintain an emotional distance from whatever, or whoever, they are dealing with. This emotional distance is key in defining the core essence of Aquarius- they use it to attempt to transcend the mundane, the drama, and those annoying emotions they can’t seem to get rid of. An Aquarius may face challenges that arise resulting from their detachment, and their struggles with emotion and working with others. This may make them come across as unemotional, rigid, or cold. However, they’re motivated to learn as much as they can with the world around them, and use their principles and intuition as a guide for exploring the universe. They deal in the abstract, and they are fundamentally unconventional, seeking to push boundaries and fight for the social causes they believe in. Keywords to Aquarius Sun: eccentric, independent, detached, curious, intuitive, self reliant

Scorpio Moon

Scorpio Moons are mysterious and intense. Ruled by both Pluto and Mars, they are passionate, and in search of the deeper truths behind something’s first appearance. This parallels themselves, and the truth of their emotions. Beneath all of the first impressions you get from them, there lies the truth of their inner world: sensitive to emotions around and within them, vulnerable (especially to dark mindsets), and the fear of expressing themselves and all these secrets that have been bubbling beneath the surface. All of these things they deal with makes them crave emotional purges- letting out all these powerful emotions, anger, jealousy, pain, love, compassion, in bursts because they just can’t handle keeping it to themselves anymore. They’re secretive, and it’s a defense mechanism. Keywords to Scorpio Venus: intense, sensual, moody, secretive

Capricorn Mercury

They are typically very cautious in what they say. Ruled by Saturn, they are detail oriented but they know what the big picture is. They’re good at organizing their thoughts and activities. They are conservative in what they say, and they are high focused and goal oriented. They do get irritated when too much information comes their way, because they aren’t given the time they need to process that information. Keywords to Capricorn Mercury: focused, intelligent, analytical

Capricorn Venus

People with Venus in Capricorn typically like to impress people with their intelligence and drive to succeed. Ruled by Saturn, love is very serious to them, and they might feel like they need to be at a stable, independent place in their lives to be able to settle down with someone. Behind their “cool” demeanor, they are warm and emotional people. They may be shy, but they show their feelings through their actions. They say what they mean, and how they appear to others is very important to them. To feel safe and secure, they often need to have a sense of financial security or wealth, so they may choose someone who is well off to be with. There is something soulful about someone with a Capricorn Venus, and it is even more intriguing because of their sense of privacy. Keywords for Capricorn Venus: quiet, ambitious, analytical

Leo Mars

They are extremely proud people. They tend to be quite competitive, and they do not accept compromise, or failure. They play the game of life by their own rules. They put their all into everything, including their ego, so they can get quite defensive when provoked or humiliated. Leo Mars people are naturally born leaders. They strive to succeed in any and every single thing they do. They are skilled performers, and deep inside themselves, they have a need to create. They act with their heart. However, their pride is their downfall, aided only by the high standards they set for themselves. They love being the center of attention, in more ways than one. They do take care of their partner’s needs; however, their attention is focused most on their own pleasure. They crave the excitement of a new relationship, and all the affection and love that comes along with it. They can get jealous easily, and they may “test” their partner’s loyalty. They become easily irritated with disloyalty or dishonesty. Keywords for Leo Mars: direct, dramatic, vivacious, proud

Sagittarius Jupiter

The Jupiter in Sagittarius placement creates a powerful urge to travel, to expand your knowledge and learn about other cultures. They typically can come across as detached, friendly, and non-judgemental in passing. They seek to expand wisdom, and to teach. Learning is their highest calling in life. This is a Sagittarius Jupiter’s greatest strength, but it can also cause them to come across as a know-it all, or rather aloof. Typically, not always, they may be active, and seek competition. 

Taurus Saturn

Those with their Saturn in Taurus seek tangible challenges and answers from their world. Saturn, as a generational planet, shows our limitations and challenges, and Taurus deals in the sensual, the tangible, and the desire for material pleasures. This can manifest as collection of things they deem beautiful, such as art, clothing, food, or just money. They can feel intimately tied to their physical world, and weaknesses can be found in hoarding goods valuable to them. Taurus brings this planet reliability, stability, and determination. 

Libra Uranus

Another generational placement, Libra channels Uranus’s desire for transcendence and enlightenment into art. They may be musically gifted, or particularly literate or artistic. Their deep imagination gives way for an incredibly sense for detail, and intuition. They tend to be restless, and dislike others intruding into their private lives. Uranus in Libra is uniquely prone to domestic troubles, such as the loss of their romantic partner. They can be unconventional, and are often characterized as anarchic. The balance and reasoning they bring to this planet brings changes to the traditional definitions of law, norms, and relationships.

Scorpio Neptune

Another generational placement, the Scorpio in Neptune individual is deeply emotionally spiritual. They can find physical intimacies and pleasures as spiritual connections, and seek explanation for the truths they seek about the universe in the esoteric, or the occult. They search beyond reason- they delve into the inner workings of the soul to define the world around them. They often find inner conflict in their selfish desires and fantasies, and their overwhelming tendency for self-sacrifice. 

Cancer Pluto

As Pluto represents hidden power and the deep psyche, Cancer gives meaning to this with emotional connection. Every emotion is incredibly intense, and a lot of inner conflict comes from their efforts to control their emotions. They are protective of those they love, and because of this, they seek to always be one step ahead of all their troubles in order to protect themselves and those they love. They find their purpose in their family and their relationships. They may also find themselves clinging to their childhood belief systems, even when this conflicts with what they find they desire in the present.

--

OKAY LETS CHAT. lets address the elephant in the room. yes, canonically, mdzs is not set in any time in our history. im just a hoe for astrology and i pieced together a relative year based on historical context given throughout canon, 423 AD. already a bit shakey on the timing of things, but also, because this is soooo far back, i did not factor in retrogrades for outer planets. technically speaking, since this is so far back in history, retrogrades become a bit insignificant when calculating for planets like jupiter, that switch signs every year and can retrograde several times a year. oh fuckin well.

BUT IS THIS NOT THE MOST LAN WANGJI THING YOUVE EVER SEEN??????

let’s dive right in, shall we?

We all know homeboy’s an aquarius sun, but like come on. “value and look forward to drastic changes and seek to differ from others around them” ???? “skilled in dealing with facts, logic, and ideas” ???? “emotional distance is key in defining the core essence of Aquarius- they use it to attempt to transcend the mundane, the drama, and those annoying emotions they can’t seem to get rid of. An Aquarius may face challenges that arise resulting from their detachment, and their struggles with emotion and working with others. This may make them come across as unemotional, rigid, or cold. however, they’re motivated to learn as much as they can with the world around them, and use their principles and intuition as a guide for exploring the universe” ???? fuck yeah my dude.

having a scorpio mood explains his unsettling demeanor that we experience through wwx’s 15 year old eyes. Not only is he quiet and rule abiding, but he’s ~mysterious~. he’s secretly brimming with enough feelings to make rambunctious wwx shit himself. not only that, but he’s emotionally constipated!!! we love to see it. WE ALSO LOVE TO SEE EVIDENCE OF THE EMOTIONAL INTENSITY THAT MAKES WWX WANT TO CRY EVERY TIME LWJ TELLS HIM HE LOVES HIM OKAY BYE

cap mercury- reserved, brief, to the point. all in character.

cap venus- warm and emotional behind a cool demanor???? If that aint him???? soulful, intentional, and a rich motherfucker. yes yes yes.

OKAY THE LEO MARS MAKES THE MOST SENSE. Everyone’s so suprised to see him tell wwx to shut up and get out so many times in the beginning of wwx’s stay at the cloud recesses. But leo mars really does give him quite the temper. He’s got a bit of an ego, even if he doesn’t show it all that often. he needs to be the best at everything he does- and he is. he’s truly hanguang-jun. also in novel canon, he a dom top. and we love him for it. he knows what he wants. he knows how to get it.

okay normally i don’t put much thought into outer/generational planets, but because this is a “historical” tale, i think it’s important to put his personality into context. of course, none of these planets have an incredibly direct hand into the personality, they more give context and the foundations of the personality given your generation. first off- the sagittarius jupiter is actually so true?? he shows up in the chaos, he gets into the thick of conflicts all over the place. of course he does, how else is he supposed to learn? even if he’s quiet and doesn’t show all the character development he goes through, it’s there. there’s a reason why after wwx comes back to life, that he doesn’t really go after him for demonic cultivation. it’s because lwj seeked out places that put him out of his comfort zone (finding wwx in the burial grounds after the sunshot campaign to see all the wens, following wwx after his massacre), that really taught him the lesson “what is right? what is wrong? what is black? what is white?” let me tell you, if he just stayed in the cloud recesses year round, he would not have arrived at that conclusion. and he sure as hell comes off as aloof. if you don’t think so, ask su she.

we don’t really get to see much of lwj’s domestic life in the thick of the plot, so it’s hard to say how accurate his saturn sign is. all i know is that he’s reliable and stable as hell.

doing research on the libra uranus placement cracked me the fuck up. musically gifted? check? your romantic partner dying and leaving you alone? check. unconventional relationships? check. that last one i really want to stress. being “cutsleeve” in that historical context is very unconventional. also, given the romantic relationship that has been modelled to him in his most formative years, a stable, healthy relationship with good communication is rather unconventional. for sure, he challenges laws, norms and relationships throughout the cultivation world.

the scorpio neptune i also found really fascinating. as painful as it is for us to admit, for a long time, lan zhan’s desires and love for wwx can be interpreted as a bit selfish. not inherently!!! just that it was unrequited, and especially since wwx screamed at him in a cave as he lay dying and lwj just told him over and over again that he loved him. (wanna stress!! love is not inherently selfish!!! context!!!) he also has an undeniable tendency to self sacrifice. all the fucking time. he just don’t stop. every opportunity that he can take to punish himself for not adhering to his childhood standards, he physically punishes himself. he blames himself for a shitton of things that’s happened to him. and this is a major conflict for his character development. i also find it interesting that the scorp neptune gives an interest in the esoteric/occult. given that this is a fantasy world where he gets to go kill monsters and demons, i find this very interesting.

cancer pluto. hoooooo booyyyyy. he sure as hell tries to control his emotions. from what we, the audience, can see, he seems to have a very intense emotional world. this is only proven further by his scorpio moon and neptune. his dedication to waiting for his deceased mother for a month after she passed, his continued attachment to his uncle despite lqr’s devout hatred of the love of his life, and his dedicated attachment to wwx, this seems pretty true to me. and if anyone tries to tell me he doesnt cling to his childhood belief systems despite their contrast to his current desires, idk what ill do. Ill have to reread and rewatch everything.

oh boy!!! this was actually so much fun. if i got anything wrong, lmk!! ill make edits!! bc i did this all within an hour in the middle of the night, completely dehydrated lol

thanks for reading this far!!!

[draconia-bsd]

Why do you dislike dazai?

That's a great question, glad someone finally asked! ^-^

☆Just before I explain, I'd like to mention that I think Dazai is a very interesting character despite my dislike of him. These two are not synonymous to me!☆

Anyway, without further ado...

The reason I don't like Dazai is- surprise, surprise, his mindset.Since he was first introduced to the viewrs, Dazai has had an eerie aura around him, coming from his behaviour (suicidal and happy-go-lucky at the same time) which, in my opinion, gave him a lot of potential. Yet, every time a new information about him came up, my fondness of him faded. Why?

See, he is obviously very intelligent, but what struck me was how little he actually used this advantage in discovering the world around him.The way I see it, Dazai's views on the world are very rigid, despite his seemingly fluid behaviour, and it seems like he purposely accepts only theories/examples that will go along with his already fixed opinions. In this way he is no different than, let's say, Kunikida or Chuuya, but still, there is one thing that sets these chatacters appart- and that is will to improve.This is something Dazai simply doesn't posses, meaning he is too stubborn to try and understand other possibilities...until they are shoved in his face, and even then there's a maybe.

Let's look at the situation with Oda, which was an important, if not the most important, event in Dazai's life.We may not know how they met, but we do know why Dazai decided to stick around- because Oda was interesting, or should I say strange. By this it does seem like Dazai is trying to understand him, which disproves what I said earlier, but does it really mean that? Now it's a good time to ask why was Dazai interested in Oda's behaviour?In my opinion, the answer is quite simple. He was initially just using him to help him understand how does yet another human charachter type work, just like he did with other people he met. This still followes his rigidity as he didn't want to know fundamentals, just a superficial way of working. Why do I think this? Because not once during their relationship did Dazai think of looking deeper into his friend, not to mention rethinking his own perspective of life.

Now fast forward to Oda's death, and we see a complete change of heart. Why so?He realised that, not only is his favourite hobby now gone forever, but that Oda's feelings for him were indeed pure, and that his own were as well. He unknowingly went against his own rules (had emotions) and that perplexed him, so in his mind he decided that what Oda said on his deathbed must be worthy of recognision.

The pain he felt during this time was probably more than he had felt in all of his life and that's why he aligned with the Armed Detective Agency. He hopes he can feel again, not pain of course, but any other emotion that might remind him of his lost friend.But his hopes soon faded resulting in him not finding a new understanding of life, but instead keeping his old views and just adding, basically, a command.

Dazai never truly changes, whether it's because of stubborness or from fear (probably both), but either way I think he is slowly getting worse, at least internally. This is where his relationships and work within the ADA come to play.As expected, he tries to follow Oda's last words, but still makes no effort to understand them. His colleagues are nothing more than toys because they are easy to use/read, and his tactiques in solving cases heavily rely on his "mafia mindset" which only encourages him in remaining at the same spot in his life. Even his mask is the exact same upbeat, mischievous behaviour he used before.The only "exception" being Atsushi, whom he walues just slightly more because of his gullibility, and I suppose he may feel some simpathy for him. In a way, he sees Atsushi simply as a perfect fit for following what Oda asked of him- AND he'll leave a decent legacy, since his student is amazed by him.

So basically, Dazai is mentally still 18 (or maybe even younger). He is selfish, stubborn thus has minimal progression in his mindset, emotional coward, and is dishonest to himself (thinking he's on the right path) as well as others around him (giving them a fake reassurance).

I assume that he is somehow aware of this in the darkest depths of his mind and that it subconsciously tears him apart.

What's also worth mentioning is that his personality was shown to be wicked from the start, but blossomed when he got wrapped in Mori's hands...still, it doesn't make much sense to me how he remained this way with all the freedom and blessings he had.

All in all, he simply isn't a person I could respect on many levels...Could I give him sympathy- hell yes, but respect is off limits, for now.

[thekazumakuwabara]

Just out of curiosity, but what about Kuwabara and Mukuro?

[ Send me a ship and I’ll give you my (brutally) honest opinion on it: Any Kuwabara Ship Edition ]

I am trying not to laugh, because last month, half as a joke and half seriously, I wrote a thing with them. It’s technically part of an ot3, but still. (I was discussing with my friends rarepairs and polyships and my friend randomly suggested an OT3 with Mukuro and Kazuma in it. Of course, we laughed, but then I stumbled upon something while looking at Japanese twitter and then an idea bit me in the ass without me wanting to, and well, here we are. XD)

On one hand, for me to try to understand them, at first she might be a bit confused or she might actually…underestimate him. Until she did he research on him. Highly powerful, skilled human fighter. Powerful psychic abilities. The one who ended up being the one who helped breached the barrier and set into motion the current state of affairs of all the three worlds. 

And then, of course, she has to reconcile that in juxtaposition to the kind of character (like moral and such) and personality he has. He has had hints of training (hello Kurama) but he’s definitely new and unrefined at it all, in comparison to someone like herself, but… there’s something about him. It may not be a romantic attraction right away but she’d still want to keep tabs regardless. She does like knowing her opponents after all.

It would be fascinating to read, that’s for sure, hahahaha.

And because I actually still enjoy the bits I wrote for it, you can read some now, XD. It’s somewhat lengthy so I put the story under the cut.

Pretty sure you can guess what the ot3 is once you read it (or if you read tags lmao).

These bits don’t follow sequentially, just a heads up. You’ll see what I mean.

The view outside of Mukuro’s fortress is only memorable because of its location: in the Demon World. It’s as rocky and hilly as any other place Kazuma is from and there’s nothing extraordinary about it, other than the vast, sprawling forests and the purple skies.

The occasional winds that blow past Kazuma’s face do nothing to clear the thoughts inside. There’s a faint odor that wafts up into his nose but it clears out as fast as it comes. There’s something familiar in it but what that is, Kazuma can’t pin it down.

Footsteps echo behind him but stop before it can get any closer.

He doesn’t react to his companion, the woman who owns all this…splendor.

Nothing but the wind whistles between them for a while and Kazuma wonders what Mukuro has on her mind. For all that he knows of her, he can’t imagine she would have any pressing thoughts now. She’s a lot like Shizuru that way – dealing with the issues that come when it happens and making quick decisions on what to do after having a full assessment. Now, Kazuma just relies on his gut tempered with intelligence these days.

He doesn’t turn to look at her.

“Why are you afraid of it?” She asks, clear.

There’s a twist in her voice that Kazuma can’t understand but he really doesn’t want to.

Her voice returns, with an edge, perhaps, wanting Kazuma to answer. “Afraid of the darkness. You clearly are no stranger to it; too well acquainted with it.”

His mouth presses hard, containing in himself the kind of heat that boils in his belly that he refuses to release.

“Your exploits into our world are well known – and really, we have you to thank for the breach allowing us the freedom between worlds. You think I wouldn’t have done my research on you?”

Kazuma is met with her knowing smirk on her face and he’s struck with how much she reminds him of Hiei and his sister at the same time. The urge to laugh is real if his eyes weren’t as wide as plates.

Her hand barely presses into his shoulder. It is more like her hand is hovering but still connected to him, somehow, feels like the suction of a vacuum drawing something out of him. Her eyes dance with some kind of revelation, the line of her mouth soft yet intimidating. Maybe it’s the curve of her lips, not sharp, but enough of a bite to it to set Kazuma on edge.

He just watches, as her palm moves from the top of his shoulder to the base of his neck. His pulse is racing but steady, remembering some of Kurama’s long forgotten techniques he taught him for his very first tournament.

“I see why he chose you,” Mukuro simply states and it’s the penetrative power of her good eye that makes Kazuma want to fall to his knees. It’s like she’s seen through his mind but he knows that’s not true.

Her fingertips spread out and touch the bottoms of his ears, the nape of his hair. He swallows but stands his ground, not too rigid but not inattentive. Despite the power she holds in her hands (in her entire body, really) his gut doesn’t scream out at him. He is her guest but more than that… There’s more there, behind the piercing gaze. Part curiosity but–

Amusement? Pride? Maybe even…

She takes a long, deep breath and her eyes start to close. Her face relaxes, and that look, while stunningly beautiful amidst the ugly scars given to her, makes the hair on Kazuma’s body rise and he breaks himself from her grasp.

Alarm runs through his veins but he doesn’t brandish his sword, not yet.

“What–what was that?” He asks, forcing his arms to stay down.

Her hand is still in the air from where it was connected to Kazuma’s body. Her eyes open, unfocused until she blinks, opening and closing her fist. Then, her arm falls, mirroring his stance.

“You really do not know, do you?” She says. The astonishment in her voice shocks him out of his defensive mindset. Kazuma, truly, doesn’t understand.

The question is on his tongue but he doesn’t want to say it. Fears what the answer may be.

But, a man doesn’t hide from the truth and a man certainly doesn’t run away when fear wants to take control.

No, a man takes fear into its place and faces to meet the truth head on, regardless of the consequences.

Mukuro looks at her palm, as if reading, perhaps, remembering something as her fingers move. Her eyes meet his own, her mouth parted just a crack, though she may not realize it is open. She drops her arm and her gaze changes.

“Your energy,” she begins, shaking her head in correction, “No, your entire being… It’s unlike anything I’ve experienced.”

Kazuma swallows again, reminded that this woman, no, this demon has eaten humans before. Maybe not in recent years but could probably remember the taste of flesh. He feels like he could be consumed at this very moment and he would be powerless to stop it.

“You’re strong, and the beat of darkness has touched you, but it’s wrapped so tightly it cannot escape, take control. Your energy radiates this strength, but also a peace I have only known once.”

Kazuma blinks, surprise in his eyes. The look she gives him is as if she could grab a hold of him and take whatever is inside but can’t. And Kazuma doesn’t understand how he, just a human, could have something she covets so much, especially having lived for thousands of years. She has power, respect, her autonomy, a place to live freely. He cannot truly understand and why that has anything to do with Hiei.

“Do you know how rare that is?” Mukuro asks him.

No, he thinks, in the shaking of his head. What does being a good person have to do with rarity? Good people exist with power. Unless she meant being himself, being self-assured in who he is. That may be rarer but still not priceless like a fabled entity.

She steps toward him with a hand extended. Kazuma steps back, his eyes darting between her palm and her face.

She stops, and asks again, softer than he has ever heard her speak, “May I?”

He hasn’t taken his eye off her hand. “Do what?”

Mukuro’s palm lays flat, all the lines and creases staring at him, revealing she has nothing in it that will harm him. “If you let me,” she begins again, “I will show you.”

Kazuma takes one step forward. Not close, but enough that the tips of her fingers could touch his chest.

“Show me what?” He says, his question heavy with the decision that will change everything.

Both arms rise and her hands are parallel to his chest.

Her answer is simple.

She only states, “Everything.”

Kazuma raises an eyebrow, disbelief written on his face. His body feels a heavy pull as if he wants to finish the connection, but everything in his being is yelling at him to not leap head first.

“Everything?”

She repeats herself. “Everything.”

Her palms are angled, almost as if she were willing to embrace him.

“Only if you step forward,” she clarifies for him. “Step forward and I will show you.”

No matter what his beating heart says, thumping madly and hard in his ears, louder than his thoughts, no matter what his gut says, asking for caution, Kazuma knows the only way out is through, and the only way to get the truth is to seek it.

And he always takes it.

If you liked what you read, let me know! 

If you want to read my other fandom works or my non-Kuwabara YYH writing, you can go here. If you want to check out my Kuwabara-centric written works, you can look at it here. If you’re feeling extra generous, you can consider supporting me through ko-fi. (Each ko-fi is the amount of a small cup of coffee.) 

[sagebodisattva]

Fatalism in the Modern World

So let's talk a little about Fatalism, a philosophical position that suggests the subservience of all activities and happenings to fate. Fatalism generally refers to any of the following ideas: The view that we are powerless to do anything other than what we actually do. Included in this is that man has no power to influence the future, or indeed, his own actions. An attitude of resignation in the face of some future event or events which are thought to be inevitable. That acceptance is appropriate, rather than resistance against inevitability. So these ideas are closely related to determinism and defeatism, which are mindsets that are associated with pessimism and cynicism, which are indicative of grounded positions rooted in the dark spectrum of ill psychologies.

So, right out the box, we can see why these presuppositions appeal to the average, sardonic man. It relieves him of all responsibility, makes him feel less emasculated by his own disempowered disposition, enables the pathos of his hapless condition, and helps him feel less guilty about his own inaction, apathy and any possible immoral behaviors; assuming that he has a shred of conscience that causes self reflection and recapitulation. It's not safe to assume that. This is a very degenerative state of existence for a human being to resign himself to. It's basically throwing in the towel and giving up. It is often a position that develops as a result of a long journey into the depths of the external, which will always, without exception, conclude with disappointment and failure to assuage the common anxieties that plague the modern man. Indeed, so many of us are like hungry ghosts, wandering around in vain, searching longingly for something to fulfill our desperation... and we can just imagine how the hungry ghost's search will turn out, for there is nothing found externally that will ever bring it lasting peace.

But, in a way, the fatalist is right: with this mindset and attitude, and the refusal to investigate and probe deeper into the introspective source, fate will command your path. For those that are content to hit the cruise control and ride their existential agency out on auto pilot, your course will be ruled by destiny, no question about it. But. for those who have done a little deeper experimentation and investigation into the source of awareness, the only factor that cannot be disputed due to the discernible empirical first hand self evidence of such, these suggestions are utter nonsense, and irresponsible dereliction.

"We are powerless to do anything other than what we actually do."

What is that? Does this actually mean anything, or is this just a hungry ghost moaning about his bleak plight? What else would you hope to do, other then what you can actually do? Maybe you are getting caught up on the inference of the concept of 'actuality', of which, is comparable to defining one's limits and possibilities to a shackle around one's ankle. What is actual is that you are aware of an experience of a reality; beyond that, anything else proposed will either contribute to weighing you down, or will serve to facilitate your freedom from self imposed limitations. It's as simple as that.

So much of how everything is assembled is arranged so to fortify your disempowerment, and at the core of this marginalization is the dictating narrator, the constant chatter of the thinking mind, which reinforces the disempowerment by continually sustaining it through stubborn attachment to dogmatic narrative; external verification substantiated by way of reflective aspects and validation via confirmation bias. All of this gives the impression that the restricting parameters are not the result of self imposed limitations, but are, in fact, the unbendable laws that one has no choice but to abide. And of course, this assumed set up fits well with most people's predilection, so it's a self fulfilling prophecy and a cycle that eventually reinforces itself with little or no provocation. The notion that you are powerless to do anything other then what you can actually do, in itself, is self defeatism, for it helps to revert the awareness into conformity to the idea of powerlessness as the accepted normative condition, while promoting the idea of the severe limitation of the existential agency; casting a cloud of weakness, and hence distrust and disdain, to the very aspect that is most sure, most immediate, and most self evident.

With this as a mindset, which we can liken to a harnessed horse with blinders, what kind of conclusion about reality will be realized that isn't in deference to some sort of external phenomena? This is the conditioning that must be unlearned in order to take responsibility and command of your reality. Things are not as solid, fixed and rigid as we fancy them to be. Anything and everything, in your idea of an outer space contextualization, was originally sourced from a superpositional potentiality. There is no such thing as actual phenomenal content; for, anything manifested, whether it be an object, a force, a law, or a material phenomena, is empty unsubstantial transient and impermanent. Increased lucidity reveals the hidden designs of these projections as sourced from pure potential, which is the foundation of physics and the source of all manifestations. And pure potential doesn't follow any rules; it produces rules. Pure potential isn't bound to anything as limited and contextual as determinism. If determinism does have any role as a factor in a produced reality, then it is only as a supportive role, conditional to, and framed within, a manifestation with borders; of which, is rooted in pure potential, which is limitless, undefinable, immeasurable and ineffable.

We can become powerful when we position ourselves to be unbounded by actuality. This requires meta awareness and detachment from the identification with the persona; which, cannot influence the future or even it's own actions, due to being immersed in disempowerment. Indeed, only those whose mind's are untethered from the rigid confines of the worldly ego can influence the conditions of the present moment; which is all there really is, in truth; the ideas of past and future being only illusory concepts, with no basis in reality, which is the false premise upon which the idea of determinism, is constructed.

And, of course, the untethered awareness can also influence the actions of the persona, which is afforded to those who are not slaves to the impulses, desires, and visceral demands of the physicality. Without this, it's understandable why an ego would resign itself to the idea of an inevitable future, for it is powerless in this state of being, and with this program as it's conditioning, resignation does seem like the appropriate response, because mere thoughts and actions performed by a world based persona are not going to make any difference. Yet, on a sort of side note, if we consider pure potentiality, in a sense, the fundamental essence could be said to be both eternally always so in superposition, yet deterministic, for the oneness of all that is, while non-committed and free of all qualities, is always as such, determinedly so. And the cosmic Maya of time, change, development, condition, and circumstance, while of illusion, are, at the same time, as illusion, equally forever present, never created nor destroyed, perpetually happening instantly and simultaneously.

But this is a bit tangential to the specific matter of a persona in delusion, struggling with paradoxical absurdity. But it does highlight that illusion does have both the qualities of determinism and free will, but much of it will depend on whether the mind is over the matter, or if the matter is above the mind. When the matter is over the mind, the persona will be at the mercy of fate, as it is identifying with illusion instead of knowing itself as the source of awareness; and as such, will be subject to conditions, which are bound to a cause; and causes, under these conditions, are tied up in dependent origination. Brining the mind over matter is to break these rules, much as a hacker can compromise a program, and this leads to the wisdom of knowing that, as lucidity reveals, illusion is a production of the mind, and as such, ironically, there is nothing to change, nothing to command, nothing to gain, and nothing to fix; for what good does it do to tinker with an illusion if one is already awake and aware that it is the source of these illusions, which only beg to be changed, commanded, gained or fixed, when one is in delusion? But, if you are not of the mind to take responsibility for reality, and are resigned to let illusion steer the fate of your ego, then also in this case, there is nothing for you to do about it; and while this buries one deeper in illusion and makes it much harder to self recognize, perhaps it can reveal the flaw in the fatalistic reasoning.

It's called the "Idle argument", which states that if something is fated, then it would be pointless or futile to make any effort to bring it about, so why not just be idle instead? The points of the argument are stated as follows:

If it is fated for you to recover from an illness, then you will recover whether you call a doctor or not. Likewise, if you are fated not to recover, you will not do so whether you call a doctor or not. But either it is fated that you will recover from this illness, or it is fated that you will not recover. Therefore, it is futile to consult a doctor.

Indeed, if you are resigned to fatalism and a deterministic belief system, then really, there is no reason for you to do anything at all, for whatever it is that you do, or don't do, is already determined, and since it's already determined, there isn't a choice to make, a casual action to perform, an effect to influence, nor any conditions to change; unto yourself, others, or to the world. So you might as well stay in bed all day; and don't worry, if you do, it was already determined to be that way by fate. So does this really seem like a sound philosophy? Or just an elaborate device designed as an excuse to not do anything; or if one does something, to not take any responsibility for doing it, or not doing it, as the case may be.

But what about logical fatalism and the argument from bivalence? Well these are very antiquated arguments, and not that difficult to pick apart due to being based on weak limited tools of reasoning. Logic does have it’s application, but it is hardly an all encompassing be all and end all, believe it or not. The key idea of logical fatalism is that there is a body of true propositions (statements) about what is going to happen, and these are true regardless of when they are made.

So, for example, if it is true today that tomorrow there will be a baseball game, then there cannot fail to be a baseball game tomorrow, since otherwise it would not be true today that such a baseball game will take place tomorrow. What if the baseball game gets rained out? Then what? Then what was true today fails to be true tomorrow due to an unforeseen factor. Furthermore, to suppose that there is a body of predetermined true propositions fails, due to indefiniteness and the lack of identification of the agency where these propositions are given context of truth, outside of the subject that is asserting such presuppositions. Through logic, one may assign a truth value to a proposition before something is shown to be true or not, but one cannot assign a definite one. How could that be justified?

I hate to say it, but much of these notions of predetermination, destiny, and absolute truth value, stink of theological concepts. Logical fatalism assumes a perennial set of all propositions, which exist without being proposed by anyone in particular, and for that reason alone, are incompatible with logic. Where are these predetermined definite predictions assembled? Predetermined by what? By whom? Where are they located? When were they made? How were they determined? Why are they predicted as such? If you want to assert the pre-existence of truth in the future then you need some basis to substantiate it, and so, on what are you substantiating it upon? Pre-existence of truth in regards to what? What is it pre-existing exactly? Relative to what? Pre-existing to the subject that makes all this shit up? Yeah, of course. That's always the underlying motive, isn't it? If there really is pre-existing truth out there, independent of the ones who define it, then this begs for explanation. By explaining that it is the objective configuration of a material universe doesn't explain one damn thing, since you cannot substantiate the context and origination of this so called universe. We assume a universe exists because we experience it? Ah well, then it sounds like the only thing you can be really sure of at the very least is that you have an awareness of appearances. Beyond that, you don't really know jack shit. You are just telling stories about appearances, not much different then theology.

So pre-determined truths exist independently of the very thing that provides you with the ability to determine a truth? Fascinating. And I suppose the universe has it's own story independent of the one who is telling the story about it? This universe does seem like a great mythology, but if you wanna push the truth of its independent existence, then authenticate that it's independent please. Oh right, you can't do that. So then this whole idea ceases to be logical determinism because it is depending on fallacious arguments; and what good is logic if it is only a tool of an inconsequential subject that is a byproduct of something that exists independently of it? Doesn't really sound like all that great of a tool at all. I'd prefer a tool that exists independently of me. I think it might be somehow more reliable since it's a tool that's not crafted by my own bias. Sounds handy!

Then there is the so called “principle of bivalence”; the idea that propositions, that it to say, statements of opinion or value judgment, can only either be true or false, absolutely, with no in between; which is a silly proposition in itself.

Here are some statements that can be either true or false:

Pepperoni pizza is the best type of pizza when seasoned with garlic.

Irishmen that own lawnmowers don't drink alcohol.

Dogs with leather collars chase squirrels.

It is not certain whether or not a healthy diet will result in weight loss.

Should I continue? This principle is just another tired presupposition of objectivity and absolutism, which is attempting establish these theories as default axioms. If demonstrating how it's not accurate to say that a proposition can only either be true or false, due to ambiguity, uncertain variables and the indeterminate nature of a future truth, is in discord with classical logic, then logic really is a weak tool with very limited application.

I will further deconstruct logic in the future, but for now, I'll wrap this up by pointing out that so much of the motives behind fatalism, as is also the case with most philosophies, ideologies, theologies and mythologies out there, involve the usual attempt to dismiss the interconnectivity of reality with the mind, and to keep the externalized monkey in the mirror syndrome conditioning intact. It's rarely ever just said outright, for they don't even wanna draw attention to it by even mentioning it, but instead, it is indirectly implied through various elaborate philosophical confections, complex mathematical equations, intriguing scientific postulations, cloak and dagger conspiracy theories and fantastical theological allegorical parables. Yes, there are many different fashions of distractions and diversions, but all of them share in common the aim to misdirect the attention away from itself and to fixate on the perceptibles, all of which serve to reinforce the conditioning of the disempowered mind that is in self imposed submission to matter. Will you take the necessary steps to examine this condition, discover it's secrets and free yourself? Or will you simply become a modern day fatalist, resigned to a destiny that is out of your hands, living a life of a hungry ghost, stuck in a medium of predetermined stifled helpless desperation?

[arncis]

                                        ❛ 𝕭𝖔𝖗𝖉𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖓𝖊

нavιn' converѕaтιonѕ 'вoυт мy нaѕтe decιѕιonѕ. ғυcĸιn' ѕιcĸenιn'; aт тнe ѕaмe тιмe, мeмorιeѕ ѕυrғace тнroυgн тнe grapevιne 'вoυт мy υncle playιn' wιтн a ѕlιp ĸnoт. poѕт-тraυмaтιc ѕтreѕѕ goт мe ғυcĸed υp

- Jocelyn Flores x XXXTentacion 

October 15, 2018, Dr. Gohkale's Office

"I need you to help me understand, Arnais. You were making so much improvement.” After his mother came home to find him staring blankly at the fire he created she made him an emergency appointment with his therapist after school. Now he was stuck in Dr. Gohkale boxy office as she torn him apart. “You hadn't set a fire in over six months. Was it something Anai said that set you off?  Arnais sat quietly as Dr. Gohkale tried to piece together why he had gone back to his deadly infuriation. “Or maybe the fire didn’t have anything to do with Anai. Maybe it has something to do with why you skipped school most of last week.,” His first instinct was to lie about how he hadn’t felt good but of course, Dr. Gohkale saw right through him and somehow managed to squeeze the truth out. He told her how he had gone into school with a positive mindset, but by the end of the day, he felt overwhelmed. He’d done everything she advised him to; joined clubs, socialized, actually tried to put himself out there like she would drill him about every session but It was too much. By the time he got home, he had shut down completely. The nights since the starting of school were spent staring at the ceiling as self-doubt left him paralyzed. "Why do you think you're so afraid of putting yourself out there?" He blamed it on the disorder that ran his life with an iron fist but she shook her head as she sat her notebook down. “Social Isolation is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I think this is something deep than that” So it began. Arnais had a lot of therapist over the years, but Dr. Gohkale was the best. She was sincere, pleasant, and a remarkably good listener; but that was the problem, she was too good at her job. She knew exactly what questions could push him over the edge and was too observant for his liking. He hated how she shook the very foundation he treaded on. For an hour, she would push Arnais until he toppled and fell into a vortex of misery. All the secrets, memories, and buried emotions that he tried to burn away would unravel before his eye; today was no different. Arnais’ eyes were trained on the clock hanging behind Dr. Gohkale, counting down the time till he could leave and get to the comfort of his bed. " Well you’re the one with the doctorate degree, you tell me why I’m having such a hard time."  

"I think you're afraid of putting yourself out there because that means letting people in and you’re afraid to let people in because you think you'll end up losing them, like how you lost your father." She paused, watching as Arnais posture became rigid and his fingers wove together, clasping so tightly that his knuckles were a turning a startling shade of white "Like how you lost Reina."  He felt the strings of his heart snap as his deceased girlfriend’s name rolled off her tongue. He thought about the last time he saw Reina before she was lowered into the ground. Her beautiful dark skin had lost its natural glow, and her lips were chapped and broken, bloodied from where they had split. Lifeless hair was flattened on her bondage covered forehead, sporting a dull color which was nothing compared to its usual glory. But the worst part was the number of machines that surrounded her, filling the room with a resonating beep that prickled the hairs on his skin. Arnais cleared his throat as a look of despair contorted his face for a few seconds before it was replaced with an impassive mask.  His hardened gaze found the middle age woman sitting across from him “Nah, fuck Reina; you think I’m losing sleep over somebody I met inpatient?” A dark chuckle elapsed from his lips. “It was only a matter of time before she did what she did and I knew that which is why I’ve moved on. I got too much going on to shed tears over a coward. " 

"I don’t think you have moved on, Arnais. I think you blame yourself for her death. You feel like you should have been there to stop her from pulling that trigger."

"Stop." His voice came out hoarse as his untwined his fingers and begin to dig his nails into the couch.   

"You feel like you failed Reina just like how you failed your father. That's why you're scared; you don't want to fail anyone else. The one thing you hate the most is failing, so you choose to give up instead. " 

‘Stop” He plead once more. Arnais knew he was near his breaking point, and so did Dr. Gohkale. 

 “You’re also scared of abandonment. If the two people you loved the most could leave you, what’s stopping anyone else?” Suddenly, Arnais shot up from the sofa as his fingers latched onto the nearest vase, hurling it against the wall.  "I said stop! Please, just fucking stop!" 

"You have to realize it wasn't your-" Arnais didn't let her finish that sentence. "I need to leave right now." While his voice had simmered down, he was ticking time bomb on the verge of exploding. He was tired of people always saying how his father and Reina's death wasn't his fault. It didn't make him feel less guilty.  It certainly didn't stop the anger that was swallowing him whole the longer he stood inside of Dr. Gohkale's office.

"We have thirty more minutes plus, it's not a good idea for you to be on your own in this state. I don't want you to go out and do anything reck-"  

“Let me out this goddamn room!” Arnais wailed as he drew his foot back, sending a boot to the door. Dr. Gohkale was right, and he couldn’t stand it. Arnais fear of failure and abandonment was getting worst, and it was nothing he could do. Thanks to Reina, he was damaged beyond repair. He gave her his all, opening up a part of him he thought had died right along with his father but it wasn’t enough to keep her going.  He wasn’t enough. Arnais continued to kick at the door until he felt  Dr. Gohkale standing behind him with the keys to his freedom. “Okay Arnais, calm down.” She spoke in a soothing voice as she slid the key into the lock. “I want you to promise me you won't do anything you'll regret later. If you have any urges, call me immediately. I also want you to try and attend for the rest of the week.”  He gave her a weak “yeah, okay” as she stepped aside, allowing him to leave.  

[my-mystic-messenger]

Suicidal MC

Uh la la, this tingled my angst-senses and I love it. Took me a while to write because I got stuck on Saeran for so long. Anyway, I hope you cry!

♛Jumin♛

His entire life Jumin has held tightly onto his control over everything. Even as a young child it had been a quintessential part of his everyday life. Everything he ever did was overlooked thoroughly and completed to perfection. That was, until you stepped into his life.

All of a sudden Jumin found himself faced with surprises, unpredictable twists and turns. One adventure after another awaited him and never once was he fully prepared for any of those things. For the first time in his life, Jumin was forced to let go of control. It wasn't easy at first, but for you he would have given up so much more than that. With every time you made him try something new it became easier. Be it going to McDonalds and eating 'commoners food' or singing Karaoke for the very first time. Around you all his walls began to crumble and despite all his protests and worries, his life was enriched by the constant challenges you threw at him. In fact, contrary to what he would have imagined, his work performance actually increased and his health bloomed too. The problem with giving up control, however, is that you can easily get lost in the freedom that comes with passing the reigns to someone else for a change. You tend to forget yourself and before you know it you are faced with a surprise that is equally unexpected as it is unpleasant. Jumin had been lulled into security until the day he got a call at work, the hospital informing him that you'd been brought in a couple of hours prior with an overdose of sleeping pills in your system. His entire world shattered in a matter of moments. Worst of all, you weren't there to tell him what to do and what to feel. Once more he found himself overwhelmed by this deadly numbness he hadn't experienced in so long he'd almost forgotten. Now it was back, hitting him with a force even worse than he remembered. On autopilot Jumin made his way to the hospital, his expression blank and his movements almost robotic. You'd opened a door to a new world to him and now he'd gotten lost in it. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to feel? The second he stepped into the hospital his name created a buzz, nurses and doctors swarming him in an attempt to gain his attention. He had none to give, too wrapped up in his own mind and fear as he brainlessly followed them to the halls to your room. They told him you'd tried to kill yourself, there was no other explanation for the amount of pills you'd taken. Apparently a brain scan had shown a severe case of depression. Frankly they were surprise you hadn't attempted suicide earlier with such a neurological malfunction. Things changed after that day. All the walls you'd shattered were back and all joy seemed to be stripped from him. His face turned to a constant, neutral mask matching his dead eyes and rigid body. His chest heavy with the heart that had turned to cold stone. From one day to another you turned from a wife to a prisoner. You had a guard watching you every waking hour Jumin wasn't around to do it himself, camera's installed everywhere in the penthouse. You even felt watched while going to the toilet. Jumin made sure your bags were checked every single time you went into and out of the apartment and he even hired a multitude of new psychiatrist for you to talk to every single day of the week. Privacy turned from a given to a foreign concept.

You stop smiling at him. You stop talking to him. You stop looking at him. He knows you've grown to resent him for caging you with his obsessive control, but he cannot allow himself to stop. He'd rather live in a world where you hate him than a world you no longer live in. 

☀Saeran☀

Settling down after everything that had happened to Saeran hadn't been easy. In fact, it had been a long, exhausting process for everyone involved making you hate Rika just so much more for everything she'd put the poor, vulnerable soul through. 

In fact, for the longest time romance was the last thing on either of your minds. Saeran was broken and aggressive, constantly commuting between rage filled fits and depressive episodes. Neither of which were easily controlled. It was around that time, that you first noticed that heavy weight in your chest but chose to ignore it. You needed to help Saeyoung with his brother and frankly, compared to the boy, your problems were far too mundane and small to complain. Your efforts started to pay off and with every day you worked on Saeran. Especially once the elixir was completely out of his system and he'd gotten over his addiction for it. From that moment on, things moves forward much quicker. It seemed like Saeran had been reborn. Sure enough he was still traumatized with all the effects of such a horrible life, but he opened up. The aggression was gone, replaced by the dire need to love and be loved in return. You happily obliged, watching him flourish under your and his brothers attention. He preened at every praise, eager to accommodate everyone expecting nothing in return but a couple of kinds words. He was truly sweet and pure. You started to pay him even more attention than even before, spend quality time with him to make him smile. You became an anchor in his life and before you knew it feelings had developed between the two of you that were far from platonic. Despite your better judgement, the two of you began dating. It was great, the two of you were happy but it did not make up for the fact, that neither of you had been ready to date. Saeran became obsessively attached and you began suffocating. You loved him, but you couldn't stand being around him. Guilt started to weight down on you, especially when you snapped ta him because being what he needed and wanted you to be, being happy, became too much all of a sudden. Leaving him, though, wasn't an option. Saeran was completely dependant of you and it was then that you realized your mistake. Instead of freeing him from Rika, you'd merely giving him a new vessel to attach himself to: you. The only solution you found, the only permanent way to set him free, was something that had been circling in your head for months if not years. That quiet voice in the back of your head whispering to you every night. This time, you listened. Saeran didn't take your suicide well at all. He blamed himself. He blamed his brother. He blamed the RFA. He blamed everyone for your weakness, everyone but you, and in the blink of an eye all progress was lost. He reverted to his former self, old anger boiling within him with a new intensity, one that you couldn't have predicted. He couldn't live without you, but he also couldn't join you without making someone else pay. The effects of such thoughts, were devastating. Saeran killed himself a mere month after your death, but he didn't go alone. For a month he'd been nothing but pained looks and kind words until he'd lured them in enough to blow them all up with him. He made sure the RFA paid for failing you.

📷Jihyun/V📷

With V gone for almost two years you'd had a lot of time to think and process all the things that had happened to you. The effects of the shock had eventually caught up to you, gradually pulling you down into a spiral of increasing numbness. You noticed that somehow Rika's words had gotten to you, burned into your mind no matter how much you tried to block them out. Sleeping became increasingly harder, her soft voice reminding you of that devil inside that you might have as well. You tried to push those darks thoughts away as good as you could for as long as you could. They weren't as bad as Rika's and you most certainly would never even consider doing the things she'd done, but just like her you were losing the battle. The RFA didn't help, particularly. Especially now that the blonde had opened your eyes to their misery. You could read it I their every text, see it every time you met. They were lost souls, meaninglessly floating through life. You tried to do what Rika had failed to: really help them. You listened to their woes and worries, helped them up when they fell and gave them all the support you could. In the end though, it just wasn't enough. It was never enough. Now every time you met with them you were reminded of your failure, reminded how temporary everything in life is, especially the good things. You couldn't stand it, so you tried to pull away, effectively alienating yourself. Eventually you decided to do something that Rika hadn't had the guts to do: call it quits before you harmed someone other than yourself. Of course that was the exact same day V decided to return from his travels with a new haircut and name. Being with him made things a little better, especially now that he'd completely mellowed out and found himself. His new, peaceful mindset calmed you and the two of you finally continued the relationship you'd started two years prior.

The problem with relying on love to chase the demons away, however, is the fact that love can only do so much and it certainly can't cure depression and trauma. Eventually it all comes crashing back in and sometimes even worse than before. Waking up in the hospital with Jihyun clinging to your hand after you'd pathetically failed to swallow enough sleeping pills, apparently, turned out to be one of the most embarrassing and altogether worst moments of your life. Sadly, it was merely a trigger to a lot of similar moments to follow. Starting with all the RFA members being torn between pitying you, being angry for not having talked to them and being scared that they were basically witnessing Rika's re-birth. Then came the way Jihyun looked at you like all the love for you had been shattered the moment you'd taken those pills. Worst of all, you'd expected such a reaction, you'd just hoped to be dead by the time he found you so you'd never have to see it. He didn't break up with you though. Instead he did the right thing and stuck around, watching you non-stop, making sure never to step on any of your toes. It was sickening, watching him revert to his old self because of you, nonetheless. He was kind to you, loving almost, but you knew better than to believe it. It was all a facade, his eyes giving him away. He resented you for what you were doing to him and you hated yourself for needing him. God, why didn't you just die?

[goodguyjean]

What's up! Both Armin and Jean are my favorite characters, they were since I first got into the manga and I loved each of their character developments and overall growth. I loved seeing Armin and Jean's friendship grow through out the story, and considering the "separation" between the main trio, which I think will be due to a difference in ideals. Being Armin and Jean think alike and work well together, do you think Jean will side with Armin and get his back during the trio split? Thanks!

Hi there! Sorry, it’s been kind of a busy weekend for me and mysemester is just starting up so I’m a bit behind on my inbox ^^’ Thanks foryour patience! 

I’ve thought about this question quite a bit, and I think itwill come down to what exactly is going to be the basis of the “separation” of the members of theShiganshina Trio. Personally, I think it’s going to come down to how much each member of the trio is willing to sacrifice in order to achieve their goal–and, according to the newest guidebook, they’re starting to realize just how much their goals currently differ. As Isayama discusses in a recent interview in said guidebook, Armin wanted to see the sea for its own sake, because it was a wonder of nature, but Eren wanted to see it as an act of defiance, because he felt indignation that he was held back from seeing it by the Walls and the titans. Mikasa’s goal has always been protecting her family, but that goal has started shift as she’s dedicated herself to the Survey Corps and given herself to the military discipline that comes with being part of such a group. Eren’s view of the world is actually quite uncompromising, and realizing that he can’t have the absolute freedom he once dreamed of has led him to despair. In the face of such insurmountable odds and the revelation that the Walldians’ enemies have been other humans all along–technically other Eldians, who have been enslaved and forced to act as living weapons because of their unique ability to transform into titans–Eren clings to his comrades and refuses to sacrifice them for a cause so hopeless (to Eren’s mind post-Uprising/Shiganshina) as defeating Marley, and thus it is actually Eren who is now most closely aligned with Jean ideologically. I am not sure if Jean will be forced to “side” with any particular member of the trio, but I imagine that if it comes to that he will feel torn between his close friendship with Armin and his ideals. 

And, quite frankly, I would like Jean to stick to his ideals if they ever come into conflict with his feelings for Armin, as much as it pains my inner-Jearmin shipper to say this. Armin and Jean have always disagreed about the ends justifying the means, and I can actually envision an ending where Armin and Mikasa end up on one side of this debate and Eren and Jean end up on the other. Which, considering how ideologically opposed Eren and Jean are at the beginning of the series, would be kind of poetic. However, I can equally see Jean prioritizing his connection with Armin in spite of any ideological divide between the two of them–and there is, based the events surrounding Reiner’s capture in chapter 83, the potential that Jean is shifting into a more tactical mindset such as Armin has.

I’m sorry, this probably wasn’t the answer you (or any of my fellow Jearmin fans) were looking for, but if you want a full explanation for my thinking I’ve typed it all out under the cut. :( As always, feel free to discuss, raise counterpoints, and offer alternative readings!

When we last saw ourWalldian heroes, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were already starting to disconnect on the question of sacrifice. Armin was able to sacrifice himselfand his personal dream of seeing the ocean in order to defeat Bertolt, andMikasa was eventually able to accept Armin’s sacrifice when Hange and Levidiscussed reviving Erwin instead, but Eren absolutely could not let Armin go.Ultimately, the decision to save Armin instead of Erwin fell entirely toLevi, but we see a lack of alignment in ideology between the three friendshappening on that rooftop that haunts their confrontation with Floch in chapter 90.

Floch praising Mikasa for having let Armin go, chapter 90.

Additionally, Eren has theorized that he can activate the Coordinate that currently lies dormant within him if he touches someone of royal blood while they are a titan (the published edition says “consumes,” but Isayama has apparently corrected this mistake, which also exists in the Japanese version of the chapter). Just as he was unable to give up on Armin while he lay dying on the rooftop, Eren resolves that he simply cannot sacrifice Historia, even if doing so would give him the Coordinate’s full powers.

Chapter 89. Eren tries to tell himself he’s not 100% sure that titanizing Historia would actually allow him to use the Coordinate anyway. Armin looks at him suspiciously. Eren decides to keep his new theory a secret from everyone, including Armin.

Chapter 90. “But I’m not prepared to sacrifice Historia.”

Now it’s not clear to me that Armin and Mikasa necessarilywould be willing to sacrifice Historia, only that Eren must suspect them of being able to do so, or else he wouldn’t keep his theory such a secret. He feels he cannot tell anyone without risking Historia’s life. What is very interesting to me is that Eren is specifically suspicious of what the Corps will do to Historia, and that his decision not to reveal his idea to Armin and Mikasa means that he sees them as completely aligned with their chosen military branch. They proved their loyalty through their sacrifice: Eren, who was unable to give up Armin for Erwin, suddenly feels distanced from the very group he spent the first half of the series lionizing as the paragons of freedom. Whether or not Mikasa and Armin would actually be willing to go to such extremes to win the war against Marley, Eren has seen them sacrifice so much and feels disconnected with them on this specific issue, creating a frisson which, quite frankly, we can already feel.

Which brings us to Jean, Attack on Titan’s harshest critic of sacrificing others for a cause and compromising on one’s moral convictions, and the person who has been the most vocal about his doubts concerning the Survey Corps’ methodology over the course of the series. Ifdisagreement over the value of sacrifice is to be the primary source of tension amongthe Shiganshina Trio, I am not entirely sure that Jean will “side” with Armin, at least ideologically–it will depend on which way his arc of development is leaning. Jean’s guidebook entry speculates that he is still struggling with killing other people, even enemy combatants such as a Reiner. Of course, Reiner is a particularly complicated case because he was once Jean’s comrade, but Jean has always had the hardest time harming other people, and I never thought his qualms were “settled” by killing someone in the Reiss Family Chapel in order to rescue Eren. 

Jean kills someone for the first time, chapter 64. 

Jean is incredibly upset when he thinks he’s killed Reiner, chapter 77.

Jean stops Hange from killing Reiner, chapter 83. 

This last scene with Reiner presents some problems of interpretation for me, because even though Jean saves Reiner’s life, it’s framed as a temporary reprieve. He asks Hange to wait so that the Survey Corps can administer the Titan Serum to someone and have them eat Reiner in order to gain his shifter abilities. It is Hange who hesitates, Hange who would rather kill Reiner than force another person to take on the burden of being a titan (and at this point, the Survey Corps don’t even know about the Curse of Ymir!), although Hange is also weighing the pros and cons of just removing Reiner from the field completely by killing him. When Hange expresses doubt that the conditions for using the Titan Serum have not been met, Jean suggests that the Walled World is losing because they’re not willing to play by their enemies’ rules.

Chapter 83.

Here, as I’ve suggested in previous metas, Jean seems to be moving closer to Armin’s way of thinking, at least on the surface. Armin is not ruthless, but he has suggested that in order to “win” the war with the titans, some people are going to have to dirty their hands. In this moment, Jean makes a very Armin-like suggestion, and even chides Hange for not being willing to take a risk to acquire another shifter–a huge asset for the now decimated Survey Corps.

Chapter 83.

Of course, which way Jean is leaning ideologically depends on what exactly his motivations were for stepping in and preventing Hange from killing Reiner. Is he primarily motivated by a desire to gain another shifter, or is he grasping at straws because he’s not ready to see Reiner die? I think it could be a bit of both, and not much clarity is offered as the scene progresses.

Chapter 83. 

Is Jean questioning why he would argue for Reiner’s strategic value, or questioning why he would step in to help Reiner? Personally, I’m currently leaning a little bit towards the latter reading of these panels, because of the way Jean berates himself after Reiner is rescued by Zeke. He clearly blames himself for preventing Hange from killing Reiner, even if he did have a rationale.

Chapter 84.

Evidently, the value of sacrifice is still an open question for Jean, even though he certainly admires Armin’s resolve and understands that Armin has made sacrifices primarily for the good of the group. This scene in Shiganshina echoes Jean’s guilt over forcing Armin’s hand when he himself is unable to kill an MP, even at the potential cost of his own life.  He feels like he has failed his friends and failed the team in his commitment to a very rigid system of ethics. However, while Levi agrees that Jean’s hesitation put the whole squad at risk, he doesn’t pronounce that Jean’s values are therefore incorrect, leaving Jean room to continue questioning what he should do in any given situation.

Chapter 59. 

Given events in recent chapters, Jean has clearly not put his doubts to rest, and Levi implies that there may even be value in allowing them to continue existing even if that ultimately puts Jean at odds with the Survey Corps and even society writ large. To echo Armin’s words to Annie before the Battle of Stohess, Jean’s inability to sacrifice people and fully incorporate into the Survey Corps may make him a “bad soldier” for the Corps, but a “good person” in other situations. Jean can choose with whom he wants to ally himself; for the remainder of the Uprising it is with the Survey Corps, but he could change his position. And if Eren is also beginning to doubt, to resist sacrificing everything in order to fully commit to the cause, I can see a situation where Jean and Eren are ultimately allies. 

None of this is to say, of course, that Armin doesn’t struggle with these questions himself, or that Jean doesn’t potentially have Armin’s back irregardless of their differing view points. Jean clearly loves Armin (however you want to interpret that love: platonic, romantic, whatever) and feels incredibly guilty when Armin stains his hands with the blood Jean could not bring himself to draw, even at risk to his own life.

Chapter 59. 

Jean does not turn away from Armin or judge him at this moment; he primarily feels guilt (although, Jean was under attack, so I hesitate that the fault entirely lies with him) that he has caused Armin this intense emotional pain. Also Armin wrestles with the reality of having killed someone, someone who was herself a human, who also hesitated to shoot her enemy. Eren may, in fact, be overestimating Armin’s ability to sacrifice, and Armin and Jean may actually never fall out, particularly if Jean is sliding into a more nuanced vision of the world which can accommodate some sacrifice even if it rejects total commitment to a cause.

Ultimately, I think, Jean, Armin, Eren, and Mikasa are all going to be faced with the question of how far they’re willing to go in the service of the Survey Corps and in the service of the Walldians more generally. How they respond to this pressure will likely determine their future alliances, but I will say that I do not think they are set in stone. Although Eren and Jean disagree a lot at the beginning of the story, they come to meet in the middle, with Jean seeing some value in fighting for a cause while Eren has tried to be more responsible to his comrades and to think before he acts. They both struggle with compromising their ethics, and I think there’s a way in which they may ultimately be the most closely aligned of the remaining characters in the upcoming arc. Although I think both of them care for Armin a great deal, one can see the potential cracks in their friendship. What Isayama will actually decide to do, however … I can’t really say. 

Thanks for the note, anon. Sorry it kinda turned into me chewing over this issue; I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking on this matter, and I can’t come to any easy answers about what is going to happen; all I can say is that I don’t think Eren and Armin growing apart automatically means Jean will step up to fill Eren’s place at Armin’s side. It all depends on what exactly is at stake in their disagreement. 

[pastordorry-blog]

Let’s Talk about Mindset

John 9:1-12

John Week 7

August 19, 2018

            Have you heard that Uber is planning to start demonstration flights of air taxis in 2020?  Yup, air taxis.  This is not a joke, and no, it’s not a re-make of the Jetsons.  It’s for real!  Uber has designed a prototype of an electric air taxi that seats four passengers plus a driver in a long tube.  It has a top rotor that allows it to take off like a helicopter and rear power that allows it to run like a plane.  It will be quieter more efficient than any aircraft, fixed or rotary wing, currently traveling our skies.  Uber expects the air taxis to go between 150 and 200 miles an hour—pretty quick!  And they will fly at an altitude of one to two thousand feet.  They will take off and land at air taxiports that will be built on top of buildings.

Sound crazy?  2020 is only two years away.  Uber plans to test these air taxis in Dubai, Dallas and Los Angeles, and it won’t be until 2023 at least that they come to Philadelphia.  But, according to one news article I read, “As nonsensical as it may seem, flying cars are on the brink of takeoff.”  Get it?  Flying cars, on the brink of takeoff?  I’ll believe it when I see it!

But, honestly, I already do believe it.  When I was growing up, my family had an avocado green telephone with a rotary dial attached to the wall.  That was the only phone in the house.  If you wanted to talk on the phone, you had to do it in the kitchen.  When we got a cordless phone, it was still connected to our land line, but now you could talk anywhere in the house!  That was a huge deal!  Now, phones have evolved even more.   Whodda thunk thirty years ago that our phones could also be our address books, our maps, our cameras, even our entire library?  Maybe that isn’t how you use your phones, but you know enough people who do use their phones that way to be confident this works.    Change comes our way that we could never anticipate, never imagine.  So I am keeping an open mind about the air taxi concept.  It is very possible that within the next ten years, the majority of us will have had a ride in one!

I know, that is very hard to believe.  Hang on to that feeling, then, as we look at our scripture lesson for today. "Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"  Jesus' disciples looked at the blind man, and all they could see was that he was either a sinner himself, or the product of sin.  That is how they were raised to think.  For most of Jewish history, people assumed that if something bad happened to you, either you or your parents had sinned.  If you were righteous, you got rewarded with a long life, lots of children, and material blessings. But if you were a sinner?  You punished you by either keeping you from living a long life, or keeping you from prospering, or keeping you from having children that couldn’t carry on your family name.  We could call that a mindset of judgment.

About four hundred years before Jesus, people started to question the mindset of judgment, and we got books like Job and Ecclesiastes in the Bible as a product of this discomfort.  Not all bad people get punished; not all good people get blessed.  But even despite this questioning, it was still the prevailing mindset in Jesus’ day.  So naturally, the disciples looked at the man born blind and saw a sinner, or the product of sinful people.  But Jesus! When he looked at the man born blind, he saw something completely different.  Jesus saw a man born to reveal the works of God.  Jesus saw a saint.  This is what I would call a mindset of grace.  And it is grace that sets us free.  The man born blind got set free, not only of his limited sight, but he also got set free from a rigid stereotype about how God works.

Freedom is an amazing and complicated gift.  Uber is sinking all this money into the flying taxi program in order to help people break free from the traffic jams that dominate travel is many of our urban centers.  Maybe they will put in air taxis along the Blue Route!  I know some people who would love that.  Jesus didn’t come to help us break free from rush hour congestion. But he did come to help us break free of the mindset of judgment.  He looks at each one of us, and instead of seeing our flaws and our limitations, he sees people born to reveal the glory of God!  What greater freedom could there be than to be set free to become the creatures God intended for us to be from the very beginning?

The thing about the judgmental mindset, though, is it is hard for people to get past. After the blind man was healed, people in that community struggled with the man's identity.  Was he the beggar they used to see, the man blind from birth? Some people said yes, some said no, they weren't sure, because how could a man born blind suddenly be able to see? This was as shocking an idea to them as air taxis are to us.  

         If you go home this week and read the rest of chapter 9 for yourself, you will find out that this miracle healing disturbed the Jewish officials so much, so they hauled the blind man in for questioning.  At first the blind man said he was healed by "that man, Jesus". Later he would go on to say he was healed by a prophet, and then ultimately, he boldly proclaimed that he was healed by the Son of God!  The Jewish officials were convinced he was a liar, a fraud, a sinner of some sort, because they had been raised in that judgmental, fixed mindset.  But a mindset of grace sees something different.  But when Jesus looked at that man, he saw an evangelist, a witness, a disciple.  He saw a man born to glorify God.  And by the end of chapter nine, the blind man saw himself that way, too.

         I don't think it's by accident that John does not give us the name of this man born blind, because this man's story could be all of our stories.  Not that we were born blind.  But we were all born with some limitations, and all of us have experienced suffering.  None of us is perfect.  Others might look at us and see us as sinners.  We might have even been taught that this is how God prefers to view us.  But what if that is not how God looks at us at all? What if, when God sees each of us, God sees people born to glorify God?  What if God see people, born to be, each in our own way, evangelists, witnesses, disciples?  What if, when God sees us, God sees saints?  And what if, we grew to see ourselves that way, too?

         The ministry of Jesus Christ was always drawing people away from the mindset of judgment, into the mindset of grace and the freedom that grace produces. He quoted the prophet Isaiah and said, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, and to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.” (Luke 4:18-19)  This is more than a story about a man born blind being healed. This is a story about a man becoming free to see himself the way God sees him.  Not as a sinner.  But as a saint.  Someone called and gifted to participate in the ministry of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Since coming to Lima, I have been thinking a lot about God’s “vision” for our church.  What does God see when God looks at us?  What does God want to see?  These days, it seems every church is supposed to have a unique slogan for marketing itself, and a “signature mission” that they are known for, even a particular way they like to worship.  Well, here at Lima, we have at least three slogans for marketing ourselves; we are exploding with mission support, donating to over two dozen agencies and causes every year; and we have four very distinct worship services!  I knew one of my goals this year needed to be to help us discern a more unified mission, but I didn’t know how that would be possible.

But lo and behold, one morning I was getting out of the shower, and it occurred to me, “What if the vision for Lima Church is simply this: every member engaged in meaningful ministry”?  You may already know this, but maybe you don’t:  when God looks at you, God does not see sinner or righteous.  The day will come when there is a great judgment, but for now, I believe God simply sees us as people, like the man born blind, who are born to reveal the glory of God.  We are born to do God’s works.  What that boils down to for me is, all of us are ministers!  What God wants to see when God looks at us is an army of ministers at work both in the church and beyond it.

This idea, that all of us are ministers, might sound as crazy to you as flying taxis.  That’s why I’m talking to you about it now.  During September and October, I will be meeting in small groups to try to get to know you all a little better, and one of the questions I will be asking you is, “Tell me about your ministry.”  I don’t want anyone to feel put on the spot or pressured to come up with an answer.  So think about it.  Maybe you hold a leadership position at the church, and if so, thank you for your ministry! But my guess is, there are many other places the people of this congregation find themselves engaged in ministry. In fact, I know you are engaged in ministry, because I see ministry just about everywhere I go.  Recently I went for a colonscopy, and I was very nervous about it, and when I told the nurse I was very anxious, you know what she did?  She put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a very reassuring squeeze. I noticed later she was wearing a cross necklace.  I wonder if she knows that she has a ministry of compassion?  What a blessing to me.

I lost my driver’s license last weekend and went to the photo license center across the street here on Thursday, and while I was there I got a little confused about the system.  One of the employees very patiently and calmly explained where I should go next. I believe he has a ministry of peace-keeping, right there at the DMV.  Maybe your ministry is to positively impact the people you work with, or who work for you, or who you work for.  Maybe your ministry is to encourage the students who wait at your tables in your retirement community.  Maybe your ministry is to pray every day for your children and grand-children, or for the children in our school district.  Maybe your ministry involves caring for our environment.  Whatever it is, I hope you will own it, and I can’t wait to hear about it!

Two thousand years ago, faithful Jews looked at people with the mindset of judgment: either you were righteous, or you were a sinner, and the results could be clearly seen.  When Jesus healed the man born blind, he threw all of this in to question.  He spit into some dirt, made a paste, and mucked things up so that eventually we would all see things clearly.  Jesus wants us to have this mindset of grace so we never limit our potential by some out-dated beliefs about ourselves.  It’s true, we are ordinary, sinful people—but through the extraordinary grace of God, we are also Christians, little Christs, designed and called to carry on the work Jesus began.  

The world is changing very rapidly these days.  Uber is betting that air taxis will set people free from traffic jams. We will have to wait and see on that. But we already know, Jesus came to set us free from spiritual traffic jams.  We don’t have to wrestle with questions about who sinned or are we being judged.  Instead we can embrace the grace, and see the world as one great opportunity to demonstrate God’s loving kindness.  What is your ministry?  In the name of Jesus, Amen.

[epistolizer]

The Cultural Impact Of Worldview & Apologetics, Part 5

Sadly though, this is the age of extremes.  On the one hand, there are Christians that no doubt find Disney classics such as “Snow White”, “Sleeping Beauty”, and “Pinocchio” too racy for their tastes. And on the other, there are those professing to be Christians that cannot adopt quickly enough the popular fads and affectations of any particular moment.  One prominent example of overeager accommodation to the spirit of the time is the Emergent Church movement.  

If one is to chastise the Evangelical and Fundamentalist wings of Christianity for overly embracing social conservatism as epitomized by the Republican Party, to remain consistent one would also be required to enunciate an admonishment against the Emergent Church’s headlong  rush into what could probably be described as countercultural liberalism.  Realizing the sway postmodernism has over Western society and the power of its methodology to expose potentially hidden hypocrisies and inconsistencies, advocates of the Emerging Church believe that the wiser course may be to surf the postmodern wave on a Christian board than to firmly plant one's feet and fight against the tide.  

Emergent Church leaders such as Brian McLaren hope that the postmodernist impulse to examine and in most cases set aside the cultural assumptions often below the surface we are not aware of will assist believers to get back to the earliest expressions of the Christian faith that existed before it was institutionalized as a socio-cultural edifice. McLaren views the impact of modernity upon the Church as having been especially deleterious.  

Fundamentalists not that familiar with the direction in which McLaren takes his analysis might initially think they have found an ally in McLaren.  However, in many respects, McLaren is harder on those one might categorize as conservative Evangelicals than he is on the shortcomings of the contemporary world.  

According to McLaren, modernity in the West has fostered the desire to conqueror and control all of the structures of reality from the physical to the epistemological through the process of scientific analysis and classification. The result has been to mechanize all of existence (including human beings) to the point where the souls encountered by the Christian and the resulting relationships are not seen as ends in themselves worthy of care and nurture but rather as strategic stepping stones simply along the path to accumulating conversion statistics (230).  

Concerns raised by McLaren regarding authenticity are quite valid.  Even for those that have been Christians for years and even decades, it is easy in a megachurch setting to feel like little more than a statistic used to justify the next phase of the building expansion while in a small church it is easy to come away with the sense that one is not welcome unless one is in complete enthusiastic agreement on nonessentials if one is an average pewsitter.  However, there are a number of dangers that result from the Emergent Church's posture against dogmatism.  

According to McLaren, the modern age was marked by a quest for certainty and absolute knowledge (230). In the Church, this has manifested itself in the tendency to insist upon an exclusivity of belief that points out the deficiencies of competing faiths and emphasizes the superiority of Biblical revelation.  Of this approach to matters of theology and religion, R.Scott Smith writes, “In that process...faith tends to be treated as a rigid belief system that must be accepted instead of a unique, joyful way of living, loving, and serving (230).”  

Ideally in a world accepting of and at peace with the Gospel, that would be how Christ would be introduced to those hungering to have their sins forgiven and life more abundantly. And though the Christian must always strive to show as much respect and kindness to the unbeliever as possible, neither can it be ignored that the world has been so warped by sin that Satan is always on the prowl seeking those whom he may devour.  There are those out there that are wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing seeking to infiltrate the church for the sole purposes of destroying it.

There are things that are just plain wrong.  Both clergy and possibly even more so the laity must be on guard against them.

If the Christian does not possess an existential certainty  that makes the leap of faith from the ledge of high factual probability, though one does not attend to secure salvation one can think of a number of more enjoyable ways to spend Sunday morning.  A number of these would include remaining in ones nocturnal raiment rather than slipping into the most uncomfortable garments likely hanging in one's closet.  More importantly, if one is to be of the mindset that it is improper to point out where other faiths and creeds do not measure up to Christianity, how are the young to protect themselves when these competitors attempt to lure them away? For especially when (as in the case of Islam) these outlooks have no qualms about insisting upon the superiority of their own practices and dogmas.  

To the Christian fatigued by some of extremist Fundamentalism's rules which in some circles extend to no facial hair on men despite there being no Biblical mandate for such a grooming preference, the care free times of the Emergent Church with its disdain for systematized doctrine may sound like a relief.  However, once the prospective adherent delves deeper into the movement, disillusioned Fundamentalists may discover they have merely exchanged one form of excessive control for another.  

R. Scott Smith writes in his analysis of the Emergent Church that Brian McLaren believes, "modernity has emphasized inordinately the autonomous individual ... Likewise the church has perpetuated this individualism to the detriment of the body of Christ (230).”  This assumption is itself in need of careful examination.  

If by this McLaren means that under the banner of modernity that many an individual has abused the freedoms of the contemporary world to ignore those behavioral restrictions given to us that a percentage find stifling or  inconvenient, he could very well be correct.  Yet in a Time Magazine profile naming him one of the nation‘s most prominent Evangelicals, McLaren did not seem all that concerned about the growing support for gay marriage and homosexual intimacy.  To McLaren, lamenting the advance of individuality means something else entirely.  

For example, in an interview broadcast in June 2010 on Issues Etc. with Todd Wilken, McLaren kept emphasizing that Jesus did not so much come into the world to live the sinless life that we could not, die in our place as the penalty for our sins, and rise from the dead so that we might enjoy eternal life with Him in Heaven. To McLaren, the traditional Christian emphasis of Christ’s work of reconciling the individual to God in preparation for eternity is secondary to establishing God’s Kingdom here on earth.  

To McLaren, the transforming power of Christ is not so much about the changing of the human heart one individual at a time on a level imperceptible to merely human eyes. McLaren believes that such shifts in consciousness or perception (to borrow New Age and postmodernist phraseology) need to be societal or planetary. However, such a revolution would not so much turn the world into one giant campus extension of Bob Jones University or Pensacola Christian College campus with well intentioned busybodies armed with rulers measuring to see if young men's haircuts are short enough, young ladies' hemlines long enough, and a respectable distance kept between the two sexes as they perambulate down the street.  

Things would, more likely, come to resemble a form of religious socialism where the morality of an economic decision would not be determined by how well it benefited the individual or by how closely it adhered to the explicit dictates of Scripture but instead by the criteria of how it  benefited the overall group, predetermined oppressed classes such as ethnic minorities, and whether or not the decision adhered to the consensus of the community. McLarenite Emergent Church types have often condemned how those on the Evangelical Right have long served as the dupes of the Republican Party; however, those enunciating such criticisms have turned right around and snuggled up with Christian leftists such as Jim Wallis and Tony Campolo who have little problem with homosexual domestic partnerships or professed Communists such as the Sandinistas of Nicaragua.  

In every direction the Christian turns, he finds adherents of every conceivable worldview gaining ground throughout Western civilization and around the world.  Constantly bombarded by these competing perspectives, after a while the mentally fatigued believer can grow so weary that it is easy to throw up one's hands wondering what is the point in even trying anymore. Often it is concluded that the best strategy would be to cordon ourselves off in a Christian subculture in the attempt to preserve sound doctrine and their family's spiritual purity.  

Though that might be a noble sounding justification, it is often not the case.  Often on the grounds of aspiring to a simple "just give me Jesus" kind of faith, many believers shut down their minds all together to the point of where they do not only fail to familiarize themselves with the knowledge of their adversaries but also fall into appalling ignorance of Christian things as well.  

William Lane Craig points out in the essay "In Intellectual Neutral" that, on tests of generalized knowledge (think of the Jaywalking segments from the Tonight Show), Christian young people faired little better than their unbelieving counterparts.  Of these findings, Craig  concludes, "If Christian students are this ignorant of the general facts of history and geography then the chances are that they...are equally or even more ignorant of the facts of our own Christian heritage and doctrine...If we do not preserve the truth of our Christian heritage and doctrine, who will learn it for us (5)?"  <p>

Thus, when the Christian disengages from what are snidely referred to these days as the "Culture Wars" as if our way of life was somehow not worthy of preserving or fighting for, he does not succeed so much in keeping himself from deeds he considers impure such as heated disagreement and argument.  Rather the result of such surrender is ultimately the erosion of our civilization if Christians do not rise to the challenge in a variety of venues ranging from government, academia, and even the new social media such as blogs and podcasts.  If such happens, those trapped by the blinders of secularism may never otherwise be exposed to these ideas and concepts.  

As a neglected discipline in many Christian circles, it becomes an easy temptation for those enthusiastic to promote a more intellectually rigorous and vital expression of the faith to downplay more existentialist manifestations of it.  However, if anything, one thing that can be adapted from the Emergent Church movement is the need to be consistent and authentic in regards to how our lives should reflect closely the things that we say.  

In Ecclesiastes 1:9, scripture assures that there is nothing new under the sun.  Sean McDowell in the essay “Apologetics For An Emerging Generation” insists that, despite the complexities with which the issues dress themselves when confronting the inhabitants of the contemporary world, the young continue to ask the same but profoundly deep questions that they always have (260).  

Therefore, it remains essential for the Christian to remain grounded in the foundations of the faith as well as familiar with the assorted challenges always arising to undermine the faith once delivered unto the saints.

By Frederick Meekins