#and also bc i think this somewhat counts as an 'essay' on being 'otherkin'

[acaciapines]

So I took a nap while in the car today and. I had such a strong fucking bird dream that my arms were still aching from flight and I was out of breath when dream-bird-me inevitably crashed into a tourist after diving too low to pull up on short notice and I woke up

That’s the strongest and clearest bird kinshift I’ve had in at least 8 months. Holy shit.

Have confirmed that whatever bird I am, it’s massive. Like fucking humungous. At least 2/3rds to the full size of an adult human when standing on the ground. Like I could probably hunt and eat humans for a decent meal. Oh yeah that’s another thing, I’m def a raptor of some kind, my eyesight was too good for me not to be a hunting bird, and since I’m huge I prolly have a natural diet of… like. I want to say sheep-to-wolf sized creatures? Maybe deer? The occasional human? I am so fucking big wtf

I thiiink? That my feathers are blue? Like the ones I have in bankai kinshift, and the ones my kinsona has? But. Sometimes they go brown, like a golden eagle’s. Sometimes. And then they go the same light blue/teal/azure colour that my kinsona wings are again. So, not quite set on plumage colour just yet.

I’m gonna assume that my natural habitat is cliffy areas, for several reasons: my size (I would fucking love to see the tree that can hold 2 adults + a nest of chicks of whatever bird is my fucking size), the fact that my shifts leave me dreaming of and yearning for sheer cliffs and drops and the wide expanse of the endless ocean with waves soaking my feathers in salty sea spray, and the fact that the constant whipping winds of a cliff coastline make me spread my arms like wings almost on instinct and make me want to jump just so I can pull up at the last second and start soaring.

I so desperately want to fly. I miss it even though I’ve never done it. Driving really fast is something but it’s just not the same…

HAWKKIN. GIVE ME THY WISDOM. HOW IN THE FUCK DO I DEAL WITH THIS

okay not gonna try w/ the 'what bird am i???' part bc obvi that is something you have to decide for yourself, but for the flying side of things...

IT SORT OF JUST NEVER GOES AWAY. at least for me. like there is always some part of me yearning for the sky so matter where i am and i nearly always feel wings in some way shape or form even if they cant actually carry me anywhere. whenever i go up into the mountains i cant get too close to the edge because the desire to just jump and know i'll have wings to catch me is incredibly overpowering.

like the thing is there isnt much you can do about this. ive seriously looked into like, hanggliding, wingsuiting, but all of that stuff is like. dfngdfg firstly expensive secondly the amount of training you gotta do makes SENSE but i am not in a place in life where i could even begin to deal with that. maybe one day is the best i can really do.

mostly i deal with these longings by like...driving is one of them. less for the speed part and more for the gliding aspect: getting somewhere very far away, eventually. sometimes i see hawks alongside the road so high up in the sky and thats a longing i cant do anything about.

otherwise i write and draw. what else can you really do? it gives me something, some way to figure this out. dreams are good, if you happen to get one where you're able to fly: ive gotten a few of those and treasure them all deeply. i like watching livecams of hawk nests. always check in on the cornell hawks every year. my animorphs fic alterhuman was very much inspired by my own experiences as a hawk.

its a lot of walking down hills and thinking i should be able to jump and catch the warm air and drift lazily the rest of the way. going up into the mountains and lingering far too long in the places where the entire world is sprawled below you. what if.

i tend to see my hands as talons and want to interact with the world as if they are. when i was little i was toothless (the dragon) for halloween and my grandmother helped make my costume by sewing wings into the sides of a shirt, so when i spread out my arms it revealed wings, there. i dont know what happened to that shirt. sometimes i think about trying to make another one.

i spend too many hours looking into falconry and how one goes about getting into it. i talk to people who've been able to band birds and want to go along with them--for the experience, sure, but mainly because i want a band for myself. thinking about getting myself a custom metal bracelet and spelling my name out on it in numbers, in the same way you might attach a metal band to a hawk's leg.

dunno. you just keep on keeping on, i guess.