#and all this doesn't help with my feeling of being useless and unwanted and annoying in my fandom spaces because like

[lost-in-fandoms]

.

[rivkadreamer]

Push and Pull.

a/n: I actually have no idea what is this, I'm sorry. This was supposed to be a short drabble since I've been wanting to post something to Tumblr for quite some time and then...I got carried away, ahaha. Also I'm posting this through my phone, so if the formating is weird...ops.

Warnings: None, this is not proof read.

Genre: Hurt/comfort (?), light angst, fluffy at the end.

Summary: Scaramouche isn't the best with words, but for you, he's willing to tone down a little.

Alternatively: where his darling is fed up with his bad attitude and give him a scare to make him man up lmao.

Words count: 1.18k

Imagine Scaramouche with a significant other who does exactly just what he asks for.

He tells you to leave? Sure, right off the door.

He tells you to not talk to him anymore? Okay, you stay silent like a mute person until he cracks and asks you a question.

He tells your presence is annoying? Watch him crawl back after weeks you went aloof, ignoring his presence in your life. Begrudgingly, he will start to tell you that he had some matters to attend in the specific area he found you, acting like it was a big coincidence you two end up meeting.

It's not as if you don't know that most of the stuff he tells you, he doesn't mean it, not really. You do know it, but that's the thing.

You are a human being, someone who has it's own thoughts, opinions and feelings. And since the beginning of this relationship, Scaramouche made a point quite a few times to ignore it, not trying to apologize or understand that even if you know he doesn't mean it, his actions still might hurt.

How did you two even got in a relationship, in the first place? You, yourself don't know. Sometimes it feels like he sees you more as a subordinate than a lover.

That's when you started taking the approach to stop reading between the fine lines of his words, trying to save some face and dignity he stole from you by crossing and neglecting the boundaries of your good will again and again, discarding your words when you tried to talk to him about it.

Honestly, he's similar to kid throwing a tantrum sometimes. Except he just narrow his eyes at you or gives you a hard glare when you fail to meet his needs. Scoffing when you not bother to try to understand the hidden meaning behind his harsh words, everytime he throws them rudely at your face.

The day he finally got your message through that stubborn head of his, was the day he blew up at your face and took his rage out on you after a particular stress inducing week.

Screaming at you how useless you are, how he didn't need you by his side and how you were a nuisance for foolish thinking he needed some kind of comfort. He told you such humans silly rituals and interactions where bellow him, to just stop nagging him and finding something better to do if this was what you interrupted his work for.

You tried to reason with him, saying that being here for him was just what you were for, what lovers do, they support each other. You just wanted to help him.

Then, he told you that you could help him by getting out of his life, since all you did was get in his way, distracting him from his goals by forcing your unwanted affection down his throat. His words cut deep and managed to finally shut you up, much for his relief.

You noticed that and frowned. You knew he didn't mean it, you knew that. But there's a limit to everything and you have reached yours. Getting the memo that he wants to be alone, you quietly left his office and made your way to his Fatui headquarters, determined to once more do just what he asked of you.

Scaramouche's blood run cold when he saw the empty room, devoid of any of your belongings or clothes. Many scenarios took a turn to settle upon his head, making his thoughts scatter all over the place as the initial shock wear down. The likely scenarios of you being kidnapped or leaving and abandoning him as many others did in the past, always betraying on the bitter end of everything, left him reeling and fuming on the very same spot he lost you.

He frantically searched for you all over the place, sending his Fatui underlings to look through every leaf and hole around the area, not leaving a single rock unturned.

When he finally found you, he was seething with fury, eyes practically bulging out of his face as he angrily demanded to know with a dark voice just what were you thinking and how dare you abandon him just like her did.

Scaramouche righteous anger quickly died down, however, when you threw at his face the same words he spoke earlier on his spur of the moment outburst, reciting letter for letter the painful words he spat like venom at you, wounding your heart in the process. That's when he noticed the hurt flashing through your eyes, a hurt dangerously alike to his.

His face fell.

He was quiet for a moment. Digesting your words wasn't easy. Scaramouche was never good with feelings and he always runs away from whatever situations that require him to face with the complex bundle of emotions that swirls just inside him. They're the moments he's forced to face the fact that he feels just as much as any human he so readily declares bellow him, feels.

And he hates himself for it. It reminds him too much of the time he was but a wandering vagrant of Tatarasuna, eyes sparkling full of wonder and curiosity. In all his glorified naivety, hopeful and yearning for the love of a family he could never attain.

But he hates your absence even more. It exudes such a gruesome, hollow emotion, it brings a hateful sting behind his eyes. Bringing himself to sit down by your side, and for the first time in all of the duration of your relationship, admitting that he was the one in the wrong. He apologizes and begs for you not to go, to not leave him alone.

He truly doesn't know if he can outgrow the pain of being without you, and surprises himself with how earnest he is being, realizing in the process he's much more attached to you than he initially thought.

His own metaphorical heart quivers with the notion, drumming forcefully and shaking the electric cords of his handmade body to it's core. It scares him, the vulnerability of it all, right now feels the same as being completely naked before your eyes. But the fact that you were about to slip away from his reach was terrifying, so he presses on...

After this incident, his behavior do not do an whole 180° turn, but he mellows out quite a bit.

He listens now. He stops with the unnecessary rude comments and have actual talks between the two of you, paying attention to your body reactions to assure himself he hasn't spout anything harmful.

The most noticable change is how he looks more for you and, how he doesn't push you away anymore, when you come to see him. He doesn't outrightly say he enjoys your presence, but he doesn't put a tough facade just to drive you away and prove his point about being "superior", either. He's still serious, but gentler. A soft expression on his face that is reserved for you and these quiet moments with you, and you only.

Talking and communication are still a sore spot for him, being truthful and honest about his emotions not coming as naturally to him as it comes to you.

But he's trying, and for the time being, that's enough for you.

"Where are you going? No, you can stay. You aren't distracting me, how arrogant of you to think so. Contrary to the bumbling fools I hesitate to call co-workers, your presence is much more calming. I feel reassured when you are by my side, so stay."

There's a quiet murmur at the end.

"Please, darling." ~♡

End note: My first fic ever posted on Tumblr 🎉 (PS: I have no idea how Tumblr works LMAO)

[@rivkadreamer on Tumblr, please do not steal my works.]

[theshelteredbrat]

I'm so done

I don't wanna take care of myself anymore

I don't want to feel anything anymore bc anything I do for some sense of happiness ends badly, makes me feel worse (mainly due to my parents)

But I can't even fucking cry when I try. When I really need to?

But I hate feeling numb so maybe pain will work?

And of course my parents are just sooooo supportive (sarcastic voice). My mom keeps saying things that are basically calling me fat and sluggish. My parents won't let me do shit. Then they get mad at me for so many small stupid things.

They hate whenever I listen to music which is basically my only outlet.

school is fun bc I put on a mask and tell bad jokes and trip over myself to make sure everyone's happy and I'm not hated.

Whenever someone's mad or sad I feel its my fault even tho ik it's not but I feel horrible. And whenever I do share my true feelings they'll either laugh and dismiss it (which happens most of the time) or they get super concerned and I feel like I'm acting out for attention.

And idk I usually regret posting shit like this bc people are always rlly concerned but its sweet considering yall care about me a lot more than most ik irl but plz don't waste ur time over me. Im an attention seeking bitch whos not worth ur time and is js venting

Church and youth group is just great bc God don't care about me. I believe he exists bc I swear he has a grudge against me but he don't bother about me. And I feel like I'm getting preached at whenever I go. But I love the people there and can't really not go to church bc of my parents

And home is just SO MANY FUCKING CHILDREN

Like wtf I'm the oldest, then I get three siblings, which is fine, i love them they're js rlly annoying. Then they get into foster care. Then they stop. Now they're adopting someone. Now they're taking in six boys.

And ik the home is supposed to be a safe space and that's great but I feel so out of place and unwanted and useless. I literally take up a room, a drawer in the bathroom, I eat food. I shower, I use electricity, and tons of money

And I can't get a moment of peace, its literally do this, do that, and chores is good for taking responsibility but like wtf. I feed 1-8 children, get half of them dressed, help with brushing hair and teeth. Now I have to help them learn to read. Help them do their homework. Take them on a walk. Change the diaper.

Wtf this is parenting stuff I shouldn't have to be doing this everyday. My mom doesn't even have a job, she just has two kids during the day and will have to pick kids up (we all go to the same school except for one who takes the bus) and I'm yelled at all the time for being incompetent? For not finding a mess to clean up in a room I haven't been in all day?

For not doing homework when I'd helped everyone else? For not having time to get myself ready bc I have to get kids ready? For not exercising when there's literally no time? For not reading when I don't have any freedom. For saying yes, for saying no, for not having anyextracurricular, for having one?

My mom yells at me that I don't talk to my family enough or spend enough time with them. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell a joke or a cool fact or something funny that happened at school and they yelled at me to be quiet? How many times I've tried to tell them about my friends or a project at school or a new interest I've picked up to be insulted by them? They never fail to point out some flaw or traits that they don't like. How I didn't do something correctly.

Do you know how badly I've wanted to hear "I'm proud of you" in a nondissmissive way? From my family? I heard that from a teacher once in my life. Best memory ever.

I'm so fucking useless and unwanted and numb and tbh i deserve the pain and suffering of life. The mask at school and youth group may crumble and hopefully they'll dismiss me but they almost might get rlly concerned and ill js be the attention seeking bitch like I always am.

Oh God please ignore me. Don't be concerned. Don't waste your time on me. I'm js being a dumb little teen. Sorry if you read that all

[bpd-blorbo-bracket]

Natuski Subaru Propaganda

OK so this guy is like. he's Up There on my personal list of best BPD rep . i actually had to stop watching rezero because it was too accurate and it hurt too bad. like "left me physically shaking feeling ill in my kitchen for half an hour just to process what just happened" hurt too bad. i didn't realize it was BPD at the time because i didn't know much about it and i didn't know that i had BPD at the time either. so i just thought it was the suicidality that hit so hard. but no im pretty sure in hindsight it's the BPD.

natsuki subaru is a … well, I'm pretty sure the audience is supposed to think he's pathetic, or narcissistic (i mean this literally, im not using the word as some kind of slur-- i don't hc him as narcissistic personally, he's just got that "overinflated ego" anime archetype, you know? like he seems like the writers want to portray him as kind of "annoying/useless/helpless/weak but thinks he's amazing and keeps getting in the way etc." or something). i personally think he feels too consciously inadequate at all points in time to hc as narcissistic, and i would argue that it is actually he himself that feels disgusted with himself/thinks he's annoying and useless etc. (as opposed to just the narrative). anyway point being, he has a huge sense of inferiority and being a burden, and he tries to make up for it with everything he has-- and i mean EVERYTHING he has, since he has the ability to rewind time to some kind of temporal checkpoint when he dies. he is shown as clearly suicidal from episode 1 however it is only made explicit a while down the line (when he consciously chooses to die on screen in order to reset time).

he cares SO much what other people think and it very often seems like the only thing on his mind is how to prove that he's helpful and a good person to his crush. he does things like demanding a favor— a limitless, boundless favor— and then asking for that favor to be a smile, or a friendly greeting/introduction, or the right to be employed by that person. he's clearly happy and a little proud of this, like he's earning Social Points by Earning the right to something really big and only taking something very small. he seems like he's constantly trying to make up for and scrub out and dilute some kind of stain that he feels on his soul that makes him feel unwantable on some kind of fundamental level. He tries so so hard to be worthy of Love but his idea of love isn't even like, a healthy functional relationship, it's just the idea that someone would want him if even just to use him and let him die for them over and over and over. he constantly makes a fool of himself but it doesn't faze him because he already feels like a worthless fool. he tries so hard. so so hard. he drives himself to breaking point trying to solve everything alone because he simultaneously thinks that he is so special and gifted that he's the only one who can, and ALSO simultaneously he believes that he's worth so little that he doesn't deserve to avoid it; if he is able— and he is the only one who IS able— then he will go through as much as he has to in order to make the people around him feel safe and pleased with him.

the dissociation is driven mostly by the supernatural forces so im neglecting that too but. he . yeah.

[kat-holden]

I've been awake since 2 a.m. Not even sleeping pills can help anymore unless I take a ridiculous amount and knock myself out cold. Then, the next day, I will be just as useless.

I have poisoned myself with their texts for about a week now. I feel like the odd one out. The one that should just leave. I am being in the way, in their way.

I live in a house where I am hated - by him, by his mother. Nothing I do is good. Nothing I say is correct. I am all wrong, I am the problem, I am the unwanted.

One thing that I keep thinking about is that if his mother finds out that he is in love with someone else, anyone but me, I will be made to leave and divorce as fast as possible. The things she says about me, the way that she looks at me, speak loud enough.

He has found someone better. Someone who doesn't have an opinion, someone who is without tattoos, without piercings, without an attitude. Someone who will break and not bend. An obedient little girl who lives to please him. Someone who shares his interests.

I am again the one looking from the outside. I peek into his better life through the screen of his phone. And I want to run, pack my things, and run far away from this torture.

He is not interested in me in any way. Nothing I do matters. No amount of begging or enticing works, and now I know why - he has something better. So I will stop.

His mother, on the other hand, is constantly on my heels. I don't have one moment alone to myself unless I am sleeping in my room. All my waking hours are full of her following me around the house, following me outside, waiting to see what time I come back home.

I never beg for attention, nor time spent. But last weekend I begged him. I begged for us to spend more time together. He told me that we spend 24 hours together, which is far beyond the truth. But I didn't pick a fight, I further trampled myself and asked him yo schedule time for us to just hug and talk. He said he is constantly busy and can give me 30 minutes after dinner, which he uses to give me my pill and put me to sleep faster.

He tells me that I have always been like that - distant, not wanting to spend time with him. Always falling asleep on the couch, so he had to occupy his time because I was unavailable. And why am I bringing this up now, since I never had issues with it. Why am I being difficult and making him spend time with me when he didn't want to. Why make him go out on a walk since I've already been outside. All he wants is "him time".

I have always been asexual, I've always been shy, I've always been distant. Why am I whining now?All he wants is to stay on his computer and talk to the other girl that is far more exciting than me. And I am to be sedated and docile.

I asked him point blank is there anything you want me to change? No. But then he keeps telling other people we have problems, he keeps complaining to other people that I was annoying and now after we spent 3 months apart I am better, more agreeable. While in reality, I just slowly was giving up, slowly spiraling into depression, slowly losing meaning in continuing to live.

What am I to do, my marble friend? I know I am not at all pure in this situation, but I keep telling myself it's different. Please, tell me it's different.

[wh6res]

three's a crowd | nomin

synopsis. picking favorites is impossible when you like neither of them.

warning. read at your own risk. abuse, bullying, poly relationship, yandere themes, manipulation, nonconsensual touching, noncon, degradation, smut threesome oop

disclaimer. i do not condone whatever tf i wrote in this nor does it reflect my beliefs or values or morals and such. it is all pure fiction and i also dont think jaemin or jeno would act like this in real life.

note. this was meant to be a new year's gift lmao i obviously got a lil carried away 👀 anyway a late happy new year to you all! we survived 2020, let's start living in 2021, yeah? lmao if covid lets us grr mwah!

the relationship you had with the two of them was a weird one, bordering on taboo, but it wasn't as if you willfully chose to be who they wanted you to be and it took jaemin's unwanted pining and jeno's intimidating demeanor for you to fall right into their arms.

it was a joint effort on their part, you couldn't've possibly stood a chance.

"this many?" the cashier asked. "are you sure?"

stepping back and studying the whole situation, you figured you only had your addiction to caffeine and procrastination to blame. it was a chain reaction you didn't even know will lead up to your inevitable doom.

if you hadn't been slacking off during your first semester of junior year college, you wouldn't be forced to overwork yourself trying to catch up to the looming deadlines, but to be able to 'work yourself to the bone' you need your boost of energy… and that was when you met one of them.

"uhm," you scratch the back of your head sheepishly as you eye the six glass bottles of iced coffee. sure, it looks bad and you kinda appreciate the look of concern the cashier throws your way but it was none of his business.

"yes. now could you, like, you know… hurry up? i'm in a little bit of a time crunch right now."

screw it. although you hardly snap like that with other people on a daily basis, it'll be a whole different conversation if you were under a significant amount of stress and today, unfortunately, is one of those days.

now can he just fucking stop asking questions and give you your six bottles of death drink to keep your fucking brain going so you can pass an eight-page essay tomorrow? thank you very much!

the guy snickered, the beeping sound of a barcode being read sounding a thousand times more annoying than it usually sounds as he keeps his hand busy by punching your items out.

you fail to notice how he studies you through the gaps of his lashes, finding you interesting rather than threatening as you stood before him with your messy hair and oversized hoodie.

"haven't seen you around university grounds 'till today," he tries striking another conversation with you. "you new? i'm jaemin."

this was your first mistake, you shouldn't have been so… downright rude when you met him. if you were granted the miracle of meeting him a 2nd time, you would've acted more nice, throwing yourself at his feet even to blend in with the rest of his fangirls you didn't even know about at the time. you would've done anything to make sure he never gives you a second glance, to never pique his interest.

jaemin is the pep squad captain. flying over colored blue mats and doing tumblings in the air with no ounce of fear. he was the best in his team, that much was evident when your friend dragged you into watching a pep rally practice. his landings were clean, balanced, and executed to the best he can at all times.

no wonder he was popular, his talent is outstanding and his looks are a bonus. his killer combo of a smile and wink after pulling off a tough flip is enough to send them squealing in their seats.

he spotted you that day and since then, he snuck the quickest glances at the bench during practices. recognizing you as the coffee girl he met during his convenience store shift. jaemin tries not to let his disappointment show too much when he doesn't see you, but of course, a pair of cold calculating eyes could see right through him.

"i saw that," his boyfriend said, hand darting forward to hold jaemin's gym bag for him. "you kept looking at the crowd. do you want to see her that much?"

"but she reminds me so much of you, jeno!" he retorts, pouting at the slight grumpy tone the other boy used. "i can't help it. she doesn't seem to give a fuck around me so she's quite interesting. maybe she can even be a great addition to our relationship!"

"well," jeno replies after a beat of silence, plastering a small smirk on his face before slinging an arm around jaemin's shoulder.

"convince me?"

you don't like jaemin's attention. not in the slightest. and it seems that was enough reason for the reign of terror his little fanclub has subjected you too.

it wasn't the petty elementary forms of bullying like pulling at your hair or calling you names. they pale in comparison to the other things they do to you—beating you up, messing with your homework, "accidentally" dumping their food trays on you.

and you weren't stupid.

you knew exactly who was behind it, knew how jaemin spectates the whole thing from afar so that he can swoop in at the end to play your knight in shining armor.

"oh, you poor thing. do you need help?"

the first time you accepted his "help" you ended up in a supply closet near the gym during your free period, cornered and weak as your cries for help drowns under the squeaking of shoes and the booming sounds of rubber balls hitting the floor.

if it weren't for jeno appearing out of thin air and prying the boy off of you, you would've been painted blue and red from the death grip he had on your wrist, neck, and waist.

you can still remember feeling the soreness of your scalp from when he pulled your hair too hard. remembered feeling his teeth gnawing at your lips as if he wanted to tear them off.

that time hadn't been the first time you saw jeno. you've shared a few classes with him and it strikes you how polar opposites they are with one another.

while jaemin likes to bask in his professor and classmates' recognition by confidently reciting his answers, jeno would rather keep to himself. liked sitting at the last row, near the window, so he'd be the first to go once the professor ends their lecture. while jaemin loved the attention of his fangirls, jeno preferred solitude. while jaemin is impulsive and wild, jeno liked to think things through.

it was within these reasons that you decided to do what you did. but your judgement of character has never been more wrong.

you approached jeno one day in the library, tried to make yourself appear as stoic and confident as possible. but your constant slouching and averting eyes was a dead giveaway.

you came to talk to him about what jaemin has been doing, hoping there's one person left in this entire school that isn't under the cheer captain's trance. the one reasonable person that has already saved you once and (hopefully) is willing enough to save you again. the only one that probably has a certain level of control over jaemin, if the supply closet incident is anything to go by.

but you've overestimated lee jeno.

"you should've just given jaemin what he wanted."

"but—but aren't you two lovers? isn't it bothering you?"

you try baiting him, only for an uncomfortable shiver to start crawling down your spine when he chuckled humorlessly, pushing his school materials to the side while pinning you with an unreadable stare.

how can a person make someone feel so small just by a gaze alone? it was nothing like you've felt with jaemin. this is way worse.

"the only thing that's bothering me is why you're not ours yet."

you feel cold fingers creeping their way under your shirt, going higher and higher until it brushes against your bra. and when your eyes meet, the look on his face was unmistakable—what are you going to do about it, huh?

you stood up in lightning speed, the chair you've been sitting on scraping loudly against the floor.

you've never ran out as fast as you did.

and jeno swears it'll be the last.

you tried everything in your power to ignore them for the next following weeks but it soon became useless when the two boys took it upon themselves to give you your space.

although judging by the pinpricks you feel on your back, and the constant weight of a stare you feel on your shoulders, you knew they weren't done with you yet. far from it. and for some reason, you just knew they wanted to lull you into a false sense of security first before striking again.

and while they continued to ogle at you from afar like a hawk circling its prey in a desert, you took it upon yourself to return the favor. not because you were the slightest bit interested in those creeps but maybe, just maybe, if you look hard enough you'll find a way out, a weakness.

but what you realized made your insides churn in great discomfort—although it may seem that jeno holds the reins in the relationship since his reserved nature fits the role, it's actually the other way around.

jaemin might appear too self-centered, too focused on himself to give a fuck about his surroundings but in actuality, he has quite a knack for reading people. even more so than jeno. and it was scary how he used it to his advantage, and paired up with his devoted fangirls? it was hell on earth.

you found it alarming how the two seem to magically appear wherever you are.

although you weren't in the least bit surprised. for some reason, you can't take your eyes away when jaemin's devotees flock around him (and jeno) in a circle.

it almost reminds you of a shoal of piranhas, waiting for their meal to drop into the water before ripping it to shreds with their teeth. only their "meal" isn't actual flesh but the carefully crafted words jaemin says that drive them into a sick frenzy.

one that has them doing everything in their power to satisfy him like the loyal dogs they are.

so this was how he got them to bully you?

"oh, that? don't worry! yangyang just ran into me during cheer rehearsal. no biggie. my cheek stung a little bit, though…" is what he said but really he's telling them "scruff him up a bit for me, why don't ya?"

"of course, i can't be the best all the time. haechan is just too good, maybe even better than me…" is what he said but really he's telling them "can you remind him where his place should be?"

all the while jeno did nothing to hold him back.

no matter how wrong jaemin is, how much of an asshole he is, jeno will stick by his side through and through. so as much as jaemin is a puppeteer that gets a kick for controlling people, jeno is as much at fault for looking the other way.

because in jeno's perspective, why the fuck would he do shit when he can just get off from the entertainment that comes with jaemin's sweet little mind games?

we lost :(

you had been busy sorting through paperwork for one of your professors in the faculty when your friend texted you the results of the intercollegiate cheer dance competition. a frown paints your face, heart feeling heavy at the bad news.

in all honesty, you still supported the pep squad—you just hated the captain and his boyfriend. they've been practicing non-stop for this and prior to the weeks of the competition, jeno looked a lot more tense and jaemin less smiley than usual. you swore you even saw the latter snap at one of his fangirls.

not to mention, they paid less attention to you, too, and it was the best three weeks of your life.

tension starts rising in your shoulders, fingers absentmindedly running through the edge of the papers you had been sorting until you became immersed with your thoughts.

jaemin must be in the worst mood yet.

and jeno too, probably. if anything, that guy gets triggered the most when something bad happens to jaemin or when he catches snippets of people talking shit about his oh so "perfect" boyfriend.

jeno is a lot scarier when jaemin is in one of his mood swings, you noticed. he steps up in the relationship to offer comfort to the other boy and for outsiders? it isn't a great experience to go through—being on the receiving end of jeno's ice cold stare is a position you don't want to find yourself in after that time in the library.

he is still as much a threat to your peaceful life like his lover.

you snap out of it when the blinding headlights of a vehicle seep through the closed blinds. you hear the gentle hum of an engine switching off as the headlights vanished as quick as they had appeared. that must be the cheer squad's bus.

as you look around the empty faculty room, something in your gut tells you to ditch file sorting duty for professor kim tonight and fucking get the hell out of campus grounds as quick as you can.

after haphazardly throwing the unsorted papers back into the cabinet, you groan aloud when the keys to the office drop out of your skirt’s pocket.

the indoor gym where the cheering squad practices is right across the hallway. you sure as hell don't want to bump into jaemin. or jeno, too, if he had decided to ride along the cheer squad's bus on the way home.

you kept looking for the keys underneath the cubicles, cursing aloud when you heard the telltale squeaks of shoes rubbing against linoleum. you almost hit your head against a table when you quickly got back up your feet, darting forward to shut the lights for the faculty room.

they can't know you're here. alone. and if it meant sitting in the dark for a few hours 'till they leave, meant going back home a little later than usual is what you have to do then so be it.

you try not to react so violently when the door you're leaning on jolts when someone from outside slams their back against it.

"it's not like we didn't do our best, right guys? i don't have regrets. it might sound fucking cheesy and although i'm sad myself, atleast we did what we can."

it's jaemin. his voice clear as day.

you try peaking, craning your neck up from your place on the floor. only to see the back of his head leaning against the glass section of the door. someone else joins in on the conversation, followed by coach park himself, and you slowly tune out whatever they're saying as you stealthily start scanning the faculty room.

you curse under your breath. is there no other exit other than this door? jesus christ! even classrooms in this university had two doors—

"what are you doing here?"

the switch flickers on, basking the once dark room with light. only when you hear an echo of your name being called, did you snap out of it and quickly picked yourself up from the floor.

"i said, what are you doing here?"

their coach asks, drilling the question as he looks at you skeptically with his arms crossed. you try not to look at the people behind him.

particularly, not at his cheer captain standing on his right.

particularly, not at jeno, who stands out like a sore thumb with his blue hair, a protective arm snaked around jaemin’s shoulders.

this isn't your lucky day, too, you guess.

"i was…" you cursed yourself for stuttering. "i was, uhm, i was file sorting for prof—professor kim, sir."

coach park looked like he didn't believe you as he narrowed his eyes in scrutiny. your nerves are going haywire and you can feel the sharp pins of their stare with how close they are.

you kept juggling your weight with the balls of your feet, hands fisting and unfisting behind your back. you want to leave. you have to leave.

"file sorting… in the dark?" he asked incredulously.

fuck this.

"uhm, you can ask professor kim himself tomorrow, coach. for now, uh, i'll be going now. i'm sorry you guys lost…"

originally, the exit is on the right side, at the end of the hallway. but no, you are not going to pass by those two while on your way out so you ducked behind a random student standing on the coach's left instead and practically ran away from the scene.

everyone had been too busy. too busy looking at your retreating form to even notice jaemin and jeno exchanging glances, too busy to notice the latter untangling himself from their captain to slip away unnoticed, his hurried steps filled with a burning purpose.

you didn't know why you ran, but you did. your shoes practically booming against the floor as you sped away through darkened hallways. you're sweating profusely, heart hammering in your chest. you can worry about professor kim tomorrow but right now you just had to—

"why are you in such a rush, pet?"

crashing into jeno felt like crashing into a wall. if it hadn't been for his arm quickly wrapping around your waist, then you would've landed on your butt before him.

with the small distance between the two of you, jeno could see as clear as day through your eyes.

jaemin was right.

it was addicting to stare into them.

especially when he can see every single one of your thoughts flying through your pretty little head. but hey, it wasn't their fault you were so easy to read.

jeno barely conceals the wicked smirk on his lips when your hands come up to his chest, trying to push him away but to no avail.

he can see your eyes shifting from shock, to confusion, until it finally settles on fear—to which it's slowly becoming a favorite emotion of his to see on your face.

"you know, jaemin is in a really shitty mood right now. and we were wondering, maybe you can cheer us up?"

no. this can't be happening.

"jeno, please." your dilated eyes and disheveled hair made his blood run south. "let me go. you don't want me. you don't need a third party in your relationship."

you yelp when he lets you go, literally shoving you against a wall—which you found out is actually a door, as it swings open as soon as your body crashes against it.

with jeno looming unforgivingly before you in his full height, the tears stung extra hard but you won't let them fall.

if he wanted to bask in the image of your weakness then it'll be something you'll deprive from him for as long as you can.

"i don't need a stupid bitch like you to tell me what i feel." he scoffs. "don't fucking kid yourself, you little whore—i don't want you. i'm not jaemin."

the echo of the classroom door shutting closed surged through you like a wake up call.

this is really happening.

you've always led a decent life, had done nothing too questionable and you've always thought maybe life will spare you if you lived quietly enough. but the feel of jeno's freezing hands crawling against your skin felt like life itself had spat at you in the eye and left you to rot in a ditch.

"i've always liked how you wore skirts," he comments. playing with the ruffled hem of the soft fabric as he purposely grazed his knuckles against your supple thighs. "gives me easy access, don't you agree?"

you scream when he flips your skirt up to reveal the innocent pink of your cotton panties. it was as if a switch had flipped inside of you and the will to fight started coursing through your veins.

"stop! jeno! i don't want this!"

his brows furrow, grunting as he struggles to push the waistline of your skirt up higher with how much you're thrashing underneath him. you buck your hips, tried curling in on yourself, anything to prolong what he wants to do to you.

with your legs trapped underneath his, you blindly reach forward, relying on your upper body instead to push and scratch whatever your palms and nails reached.

you continue screaming like a banshee until he shoved two fingers into your wet cavern.

"stop fighting me," he sounded strained, as if he's holding himself back. you feel him fisting the fabric of your skirt and you fear he's simply going to rip it apart.

you tried responding to him, only the sound had been muffled, gurgled by the flat of his fingers pushing down against your tongue mercilessly. when you reach forward to push him away, your hands land on the apple of his cheeks, nails digging through skin.

until it slips and—

you lie rigid when red scratch marks in the size of your fingernails slowly appear on jeno's skin, his head turned to the side as he paused. your actions slowly start sinking in to him as he shuts his eyes and bit his lip 'till it looked like it was about to bleed.

oh no.

"jeno—"

the slap he planted on your cheek left your ears ringing. all those hard earned muscles of his put to good use—if the tears hadn't fallen for the last few minutes, then it definitely started falling now.

the hit had been so strong, a few of your hair flew astray, the buzzing feeling of your skin tempting you to reach a hand up to soothe your abused cheek.

until jeno let out a low growl and your hand immediately drops limp against your body, afraid of whatever else he can do to you other than a slap.

"that's more like it," he whispers under his breath. you let out the tiniest of whimpers when his hand darts forward to fist your hair. "do you know what happens to bad girls? they fucking get busted up. do you understand me?"

his patience is nonexistent.

jeno slams your head against the floor when you don't answer because you thought his question had been rhetorical. it felt like your skull had been split in two as you wail in pain.

"are you fucking deaf—i asked you a fucking question!"

the hand that cups your jaw is painful as he squeezed your cheek with his blunt nails. your hand shoots up to wrap around his wrist, silently pleading for him to let up as you sobbed out loud. you started nodding as best as you can despite his firm grip on your face.

your reply was nothing short of pathetic. with lips forcefully pursed and the steady stream of your tears and snot rolling down your face, your response is gargled and hardly incoherent and jeno seemed to thoroughly enjoy your anguish if the condescending curl on his lips is anything to go by.

"look at you," he whispers, his face coming close to yours as he holds you down. there was something in the way jeno stared so intently that it made your skin crawl.

"i think you're prettiest when ruined like this."

with his nose touching yours, he felt too close, bordering on intimate as you felt his hand creep back up your thighs, trailing up with feather-like touches that made goosebumps appear on your skin.

you tried wiggling your legs underneath him but one sharp look from jeno is enough to make you stop.

the hand holding your face moves. coming down from gripping your face to encircling his hand around your neck.

"do you like it when i touch you? freaky bitch."

his hands trail further up, up, up until you felt him slotting a finger underneath your panties.

jeno didn't like how frozen you were underneath him as he pulls at the hem before letting go. the elastic snapping back against your skin.

the action evokes a strong feeling through the young male, promising to have you writhing and screaming and begging because by the end of all this, you'll be so needy and frustrated that you will have no choice but to give in to what your body wanted.

"jeno, didn't i tell you to play nice?"

someone stands by the door, the minimal light from the hallway creating a silhouette with his form but you knew who he was. that deep voice, with the same annoying flippant tone, is a dead giveaway.

you didn't know why you even hoped in the beginning. as if there'll be someone who can save you from these two.

you thought the flash of hurt in your eyes was quick to disappear but jeno noticed it quicker.

in a span of seconds, he pulled you up from your position from the ground and tugged you towards his lap. you haven't even gotten the time to settle on your new position when he already smashed his lips against yours.

it was messy. too much saliva. too much teeth. no tenderness to it at all.

the fabric of his jeans felt rough, not to mention the ice cold belt buckle made you severely uncomfortable as it seeps through the thin fabric of your skirt.

when you attempt to hover over his lap, jeno grunts as he snakes an arm around your waist, pulling you back down without your lips breaking away from each other. you didn't know why he let out a whine, but you understood the moment you fully sat down on his lap and you felt a tent on his jeans hitting your clothed entrance perfectly.

in a normal circumstance, you would've found everything hot and might've actually gotten off from it but not when it's him who’s doing this to you and you didn’t consent to any of this.

you start squirming again. palms lying flat against jeno's chest as you attempt to push him away and jaemin sees this as the opportune moment to slot himself behind you, caging you in between them.

“i want my turn,” he hisses and without an ounce of hesitation, jeno stops to do what he's told.

jaemin doesn't waste any second to grab your face, awkwardly craning your neck up to meet his lips in the same feverish kiss.

while jeno had been all teeth and aggression, practically forcing you to open your mouth and kiss him back, jaemin on the other hand is more soft, more romantic, you daresay. he seemed to like taking his sweet time by clutching your face, kissing you like he actually meant it.

he pulls away slightly, resting his forehead against yours as he murmurs something incoherent under his breath and then he's kissing you again.

you think you heard something along the lines of, "finally."

you've been too distracted by jaemin to notice jeno's nimble fingers quickly fumbling with the buttons of your blouse. it was only when you feel the sensation of his tongue laving against the swell of your breast did you turn away from jaemin, jerking backward in surprise.

"no—!"

your scream is cut off by a hand cupping your mouth. jaemin pulls your back towards his chest, molding your body against his as jeno licked and suckled all he wanted, thankful to have the other boy there to not worry about restraining you and keeping you quiet while he has his fun.

"ah, ah, ah," jaemin teases, going hard over the pleading and teary look you sent his way. it looked pathetic, he wasn't going to lie, but it doesn't mean he didn't love it. "just keep still and appreciate jeno's efforts to take care of you, alright baby?"

you don't like how he talked as if this was all a mutual thing, how he talked slowly like you were some toddler who didn't understand anything.

it's cruel how jaemin giggled and basked in your vulnerable state as he kept his eyes pinned on you while undoing the zipper of your skirt. your muffled cries of his name only serving to egg him on.

the way he stared was similar to jeno, too intently and intrusive, like he wants to burn your image of despair in the back of his head.

you whined involuntarily when jeno got bored of all the licking and thus decided to start biting and nipping at your chest instead. he was hypnotised by how responsive you were, how every little bite and nibble made you shudder.

it was a shame that jaemin had to cover your mouth. he didn't get to hear your pretty mewls but it wasn't as if he'd let the night end without hearing them loud and clear.

jaemin is fast in undressing you, feeling slightly betrayed by how quick your skirt and blouse fell under his hands.

you know what he wants, what he's going to do, and the tears fall harder when you can't dodge away from him. forced to endure and accept whatever they give you.

"you act like you don't like it but look how fucking wet you are," you bit your lip hard when jaemin starts circling the pads of his fingers against your clit, fascinated by how more juices streamed down your thighs.

"jeno, do you see this? fuck."

you can only blink in defeat, staring off to the side as you force down any noise bubbling up your throat, forcing yourself to think of anything else other than what's happening right now.

you try not to think about how they managed to tear all of your clothes off while they're left completely dressed. tried not to think about the fingers lazily drawing up and down your slit to collect your essence.

if they're doing this as a way to further humiliate you, it's working.

"slut," jeno mocked, a wicked curl on his lips when he wraps his fingers around your throat. the moment he dives down to claim your lips again is the same time jaemin pushes two fingers inside you.

"look at how wet you are because of me," jaemin whispers hot against your ear and you feel a sick churn in your stomach when you feel his smile against your skin.

he purposely drives his fingers in and out quicker, settjng a brutal pace, wanting you to hear the lewd squelching sounds. "hear that? do you hear that, darling? that's because of me—"

"don't go talking big now, jaem," jeno retorts, pulling away from your lips to start nibbling on the back of your ear. "i was here first. did you see how she fucking reacted when i sucked on her tits?"

you're quick to catch how jeno particularly loved degrading you. but how he talks about you as if you're literally not in front of him naked made you hit a new all-time low.

you felt… filthy.

his hands find purchase on your butt—only because jaemin has already claimed the front. for now.

you close your eyes tight when he painfully squeezes the flesh of your ass. you swear, his blunt nails will paint your skin black and blue.

"i'm the favorite!"

"i'm the favorite!"

as someone who's part of a varsity team, you already knew a competitive nature runs through jaemin's veins. but never had you thought jeno would share the same sentiment. once again they prove that they're cut from the same cloth.

all of a sudden it wasn't all about claiming you as theirs anymore rather it was all about who can make you moan the loudest, who can make you cum the most, who can make you feel the dirtiest you can be.

you're absolutely terrified for the hours to come.

thankfully, they have yet to ask for your verbal opinion or validation. they let your body do all the talking—every repressed shudder and sharp gasp is enough.

but it's game over once they pop the million dollar question.

"who do you like best?"

you don't want to find out the consequences if you actually answered their question because you didn't know what could be worse.

jaemin's manipulation or jeno's aggression?

but it was all normal. trial and error is inevitable in order to build and mold you into the ideal lover for the both of them.

because adding someone new to the mix has never been easy—after all, three's a crowd.

[crypticpatterns]

Imma need your Morgana thoughts to see whether or not youre a person of culture /hj (seriously though with all the hate he gets and your analytical takes on akechi that i saw pop up on my dash i am VERY curious about your thoughts on my boi)

I apologize in advance for this monster essay. I did not realize I had so many thoughts on Morgana. I'm not sure if this ask was for the ask game I was doing but I'm not going to write this in that format because my actual Morgana thoughts are too complex for that, hopefully you won't mind lol.

Morgana is a sweet boi and deserves all the love, I'm not sure why he gets so much hate but I have some suspicions.

For one, I think his arc during Okumura's Palace is...messy. That section of the game is written worse than the rest imo, and it messes with his arc some. His banter with Ryuji comes across as lighthearted until it suddenly doesn't and he takes everything personally and just ditches everyone. He goes from 0 to 100 and I think it's because there isn't enough build up to him leaving. I would have been completely lost why he was so touchy if my older sibling (who'd already played the game) didn't tell me he was upset because Futaba took his place on the team. It can come across as him being petty when that's not the case at all, at least in my opinion.

Morgana used to work alone, and he thinks he's just helping out the Thieves for his own gain. Honestly, he's actually incredibly similar to Akechi. He thinks he can handle everything on his own and doesn't need friends, is a bit too cocky for his own good, and is the "smart guy." (Though, of course, he overestimates his own intelligence just a bit, haha. I can see why that arrogance might annoy some people but personally I find it endearing. He a baby kitty boi.)

Before the Thieves saved him he thought he was capable all on his own and didn't need help, but of course he was proven wrong by the fact he even needed saving. Not that he'd ever admit it in a thousand years. He sticks with the Thieves not because he thinks he needs them, but because they need him, and they're useful to him. And that's exactly his problem.

Morgana stops being "needed" the more Thieves join the group. Makoto becomes the "smart guy." Futaba all but replaces his job as the navigator. He doesn't have a "job" in the Thieves, but that's how he values himself. If the Thieves don't "need" him, if he's not contributing somehow to the team, why should they want him at all?

Morgana's always felt like the odd one out among the Thieves. He's not an outcast like the rest. He can't even remember his past at all, let alone if he was ever unwanted. He has no person whose heart he wants to change. And of course, he's a cat. He's not even a human like the rest of them. He doesn't fit.

Of course, him not fitting in is exactly what makes him the perfect Phantom Thief, but he can't see that yet.

So Ryuji's digs hurt worse than before. Morgana feels worthless and unwanted. And when the Thieves can't make a decision, he decides to prove to them that he is worthwhile. They need him, so they should want him.

But of course, the Thieves don't care if he's "needed." Morgana is their friend, and they want him on their team even if he isn't strictly useful or needed anymore. And eventually, that's exactly what he learns. When Haru is cornered by her asshole of a fiance, he tries to defend her but is once again "useless" and is merely kicked to the side. But the Thieves come to save him and Haru, and Ryuji defends Morgana. He finally learns that it doesn't matter if he's "useful." The Thieves are his friends anyway.

He doesn't need to be needed. He can be weak, and he can be "useless," because the Thieves don't like him for his usefulness but for him.

The other thing I think gets on people's nerves (and also does annoy me to an extent) is his crush on Ann. It's...overplayed, and can come across as a bit misogynistic on the part of the writers. It can be cute but I think Morgana goes on about it so much that people think it's his only motivation for being human. It's certainly part of it, but it's not the whole reason. He wants to be human to "fit in." But like the rest of the Thieves, Morgana doesn't need to fit in. He needs to be himself. This is another thing I could see annoying people--the whole human obsession is a bit overplayed and I could see it getting on people's nerves. I find it a bit annoying when the joke continues after he's supposed to have already learned his lesson, but I think that's just subpar writing, not Morgana being a terrible character.

Then we have the other reason Morgana joined the Thieves, and the main thrust of his motivation for helping them for a lot of the game--his lost memories of his past. That takes us to the very end of vanilla and the final boss.

Morgana learns that he was created to guide the Phantom Thieves. This is exactly where he always belonged. He's not human, but that's okay--he's served his purpose as the Wild Card's companion perfectly as the cat that he is. And with his purpose served, he disappears, imparting the Thieves with one last word of wisdom.

But Joker isn't done with Morgana. Once again, it doesn't matter to him if Morgana's usefulness has been served. He wants Morgana to be his friend, be his cat, anyway. All of the Thieves do. In the end, Morgana is a Phantom Thief not because he was created to guide them, but because they're his friends. They love their cat friend, just for him. And so Morgana comes back through sheer force of Joker's will, manifested in the real world because Joker was so convinced that Morgana belongs with him. It doesn't matter why he might have been initially created, and that he's fulfilled his destiny. What matters is that Morgana is Joker's cat, and he loves him.

Anyway. I love Morgana. He's arrogant and adorable and amusing to no end. (He and Ryuji are hilarious, and I love his dynamic with Haru, I really wish we got more of that.) I could go into his arc in the 3rd Semester but it's mostly a retread of his previous arc and him discovering for good that his usefulness isn't what gives him worth, he doesn't need to "fit in," and he's allowed to be weak sometimes. Plus this essay is long enough already. He's baby and he deserves the world.

Ah. There is also that whole thing about him making the player go to bed every night. That probably contributed to the hate. It's not Morgana's fault vanilla was designed poorly and limited your actions too often, lmao.

[lovee-infected]

By my side

♥Leona Kingscholar ♥

Art credit

Well it still isn't too late to offer our dear Lion a bitter-sweet birthday gift , right ? Let him let go of his sad past and find happiness in this birthday night

...Sometimes I wondered why would I be even given birth to if this was the point life was going to drive me into ? If this was how it was supposed to be , I wished to never be born . Living without needing and to be needed , wanting and to be wanted , loving and to be loved was nothing different from death , some are given birth to by mistake , could it be that I as well was a mistake ? I was pretty sure that I was until something later changed my mind

Preview : Years has passed , each filled with dread , hatred , loneliness and dishonor . Unwanted pains shattering his heart to pieces , unexplainable emotions no one around him would ever care to imagine , endless tears fallen from his eyes over the years on his lonely corners , injured heart of him which no one ever cared to heal... But from now , things are going to be different . This year will be his new start because he has you by his side

Why did I always have to be the second one ...?

They say you've got to live your and only your life , that the only one holding you back from your dreams is you , that you can be anything if you try your hardest , and I tried

No , it wasn't only trying . I lived for my goal . I lived to become the strongest , I lived to be the one who brought honor to my family's name , I lived to pull myself out my brother's shadow , I lived to change my unwanted fate...but I couldn't . I cut back on my everything , my free time , my friends , my family , my own self . All to have my time to focus on my powers , to be an almighty magician . As I grew stronger , I begun to bring fear along myself. I got warned that I'm going way further than I ever should but it didn't matter . I still needed to be stronger , strong enough to prove that I'm worthy of being the next king

Farena brought light wherever he went and I brought...shadows . Shadows reflecting the terrifying darkness taming into my soul . I thought these would turn me into a worthy heir to my kingdom but they didn't , they turned me into something others called terrifying . Fearful . Greedy . Monster

My brother himself tried to hold me back for many times but I didn't listen , thinking that he was afraid of my strength which I thought had surpassed him so far . Even if it wasn't his purpose , this wasn't going to hold me back from the path I'd chosen ; it was too late

All they could see was my stunning powers growing more and more fearful day by day , slowly turning into a threat . No one ever saw what it took me to get to this point , no one ever cared . While children were playing outside and enjoying their short lasting carefree days , I had locked my self inside my hidden training spot , spending hours each day all alone there . Learning everything on your own isn't really pleasant , specially when no one's there to tell you how harmful magic can be . I was covered in dust and bruises each day after training , I even passed away of tire too many times right there

I have to admit...It doesn't really matter how much I grow . A part of me will always remain child because I sacrificed my time to be a child when I had to enjoy it . Yeah , there's an extremely annoying cry baby hiding inside me... It came clear to me again on the day of my nephew's birthday , the day life proved me that I can never change my path , no matter how much I try , no matter how much I lose , no matter how much cry , no matter how much I suffer

All those pain , loneliness , hours of crying and wiping blood off my body was a waste . Not because I didn't try , no dear it wasn't ever my fault . It was this life . It wasn't ever fair...

That child...This was the end of me . The only thing I fought for , my very last chance to get all I ever wanted out of my life . Why?...why?? I gave up my all just to be respected ! To be looked up to ! To be wanted !! Didn't I lose enough...?

I couldn't take it anymore , I couldn't . I had lost my purpose to live , to breath , to exist . Suicide would've been a pretty simple and shameful way to end it all , but you won't believe it if I tell how many time I was too close to doing it . The story of the infamous king Scar was getting reflected into my life . I was becoming what I refused to be , I didn't want to be like him , I didn't want to be the monster he became but...Not everything always goes as you expect , right ?

When I announced that I'll be heading to Night Raven College , everyone knew that I'd finally given up to my dark side . I was no longer afraid of becoming the monster they warned me about ; this was my path

I started a new life with entering Night Raven College or this is what I thought . No was there to look down to me for my neglected past and that was enough for me , enough to not suffer much more . My mind finally came to a more stable zone , somehow I could pull some parts of my shattered personality together and that seemed to be good...but the holes in my heart , there was no way to get rid of them . Loneliness , pain and , isolation took more than having a more stable life to be forgotten , but I never knew that my medicine would one day come to me on their own

I used to think that you were just as empty as I was , perhaps even a lot weaker with not a single sight of magic inside you . May seem rude but I believe that was the first thing that made me have an interest in you : You made me feel superior . Don't hate my dear , but that's just how I grew up . Being compared to my brother my whole life and receiving endless critiques and blames on it . You do understand , don't you ? Told you , those holes in my heart needed to be filled . Bullying you was just a small part of it

Back then , you were nothing more than a child in my eyes . Your will to make a change and save others sounded pathetic to me ; not just because I looked down to you as a human , but rather because I saw myself inside you ; my unfulfilled wishes and useless tries . This was how I expected you to end up , just like me . But you didn't

Overblot may be counted as my most terrifying form , but it isn't the only the thing you saw through me . That was the very first time I show you the others how empty I was , how weak I felt . I revealed my holes and that made me feel unsafe

Considering how I was wrong about being superior to you and the way you saw how measurable and weak I could be , I wouldn't have been fascinated if you too had started looking down to me as a loser . It was odd of you to try and get closer to me instead , no wonder why I kept rejecting you at first . You were stubborn and I was moody , I didn't really like the two of us getting much closer . Helping you take back the Ramshackle dorm was supposed to be our very last business together but , I'm thankful that you didn't give up on me . I accepted the two of us becoming friends since you insisted , but I'd never imagined what great changes were coming to my life by letting you in

Your powerless self which I used to make fun of , became a way for me to spend sometime forgetting how strong my magic would be or how important it can be in my life . Having ice cream together , taking walks , talking like two friends would , these were nothing special but they were all new to me . I had to accept that it was nice having you around , finally someone that wasn't as annoying as the others

Finally I gained enough self-esteem to speak of my personal issues , stuff that were bothering me over the years . I didn't want you to do anything about them , I just needed a listener . But to see how you cried hearing my pain... I- I wasn't ever expecting that . You were not only the first one to know but also the first to care...that shook my heart

When you said that you wanted me to spend more time with my family specially brother and nephew , I couldn't help but to laugh it off . But the way you actually forced me into doing it seemed to by quite childish at first . I was too selfish to even call my brother but you were there to force me into doing it - It felt like you were my mum sitting next to phone to see if I talk politely or not, but it worked out anyway

As the time passed , many things changed . Our small friendship was now way further than were it once was , specially now that I look how you changed me and my life over

Farena and I are now much better than we used to be , I can now really feel like I have someone as my older brother , not a symbol to be compared with . My family now check on my casually asking how I am doing . I still refuse to go home since I still have a lot to take care of here , but I can somehow feel that I as well missed them too . For so long I thought that I was forgotten , invisible and unwanted . But after you showing up in my life , I can finally see what it means to be alive

My dear (y/n) , I'm still learning to be a better me and need you by my side to learn me how to , so I'm not yet prepared to tell you how I feel . I kept on learning to be a great magician for years and now , it's time for me to learn to be a great lover , someone worthy of your love and attention , someone you'd like to remain by his side for eternity

I love you (y/n) , not just because of giving me all I needed for my whole life , not because of making me feel like I have a real family after the years , not because of helping me gain all respect and honor I always wanted to have , but for showing me that my path as well can be changed

Tonight here I am with my family , friends and you by my side , celebrating a date I called filthy for the past 20 years of my life :

" Happy birthday Leona! "

The crybaby inside me isn't going to shut the hell tonight- I know that I shouldn't cry but , I can't help it . My first tears in front on someone else than myself fall not because of pain this time , but due to the unbelievable happiness and joy my heart has drowned into . I look at you , your bright smile giving me straight and your beautiful eyes keeping on bringing light to soul . Even if my birth was a mistake , I would mow say that it's the most beautiful mistake that could have ever happened in my life

My family , my friends , and my beloved (y/n) , I need them all , and I'm glad to see that they as well need me . I want them in my life , and I'm proud that they as well want me . I love you (y/n) and I would die to see that you too love me , but even if you don't , that will never change my feelings for you . For the first time in my life , I feel alive . And it's all thanks to you , because of you by my side

I can't help but to hug you tight , feeling your warmth close to me . Digging my head into your shoulder as I let go of heavy tears in my eyes : " Thank you , (y/n)..."

♦♥♠♣

Tagging : @ji-yaaan @lilyholo @yandere-wishes

[onceuponaloonatic]

Wait I wasn't done with the ask yet lol. Anyway i can see it in the way saya always fights with saki and in the way that sae always stays inside and doesn't associate with them and keeps to herself. What if they just gave up on trying to be part of the family one day and stop caring? They would probably do it to see if their parents or if anyone would even notice how they were feeling about it all and i could see it becoming a point of major stress for them if their moms were too busy to notice.

part one 

2na queens: i can see sae and saya eventually getting very fed up with always being left out of the whole heir to the throne thing. Like even though being kidnapped was a bad thing for their sisters to go through, they can't help but feel unwanted and useless because of the fact that they aren't "worthy."

Sana and Mina had always been worried about their older three kids. It wasn’t their idea for Saki to be their heir, it was an old law and even if Sana wanted to change it, it would be difficult for her to do so. She understood the reasoning behind it, and even if it was cruel and unfair, Sana knew the chances of her being able to change it were slim to none. Sana and Mina knew they loved all of their children equally, but they understood there was a possibility Sae or Saya could feel left out or forgotten with Saki being the heir. They had tried to convince their daughters that they loved all of them equally, but over time they couldn’t stop the growing tension in their family. Saya had felt passed over. She was the oldest. She was supposed to take over the throne. Not Saki. She was five years older than Saki. It was her birthright.

Sae hadn’t always concerned herself with things like that. Unlike Saya, she had no desire to take over the throne. It had always seemed like a stressful and overwhelming job and Sae didn’t want to take that on. But, she did feel left out. She knew that if she had been born a starfire elf she would have taken the throne. And she had always suspected everyone (as in her family and the kingdom) had hoped she would be a starfire elf. She was the second time her parents had a child and the second time they failed to have an heir. Her moms had always said they were happy with who she was and loved Sae for being her, but she hadn’t always believed them. 

When Nico was born, it just made them both feel worse. Yes they loved their little sister, but they just felt disconnected from her, and Saki too. Saki and Nico’s lives were so different. Not always in a good way, they were constantly in danger of getting kidnapped and they had to have extra security around them. When their sisters did get kidnapped, it was a turning point for a lot of reasons. They hadn’t even known that it happened until the next morning when a servant had asked Saki how she was feeling the next morning. The seven-year-old had been hanging off of Sana, eating her breakfast in their mom’s lap, something she hadn’t done in a while. Their parents then told them what had happened the night before, and it just made them feel so disconnected from the others. 

“Sae?” After breakfast, Sae had gone to the library to read while her sisters and parents went off to do their own things. “Saya?” Sae was confused as to why Saya was in the library. She never went there voluntarily. “What is it?” 

“Do you… Feel it too?” “Feel what?” “I don’t know… I just don’t feel like we’re the same as Saki and Nico.” Saya sighed, sitting next to her sister. They were alone in the library, Sae liked that about the library. 

“I mean… Yeah. But what are we supposed to do?” Sae asked.

“I don’t know… What if we just, withdrew from everyone?” Saya suggested.

“That seems like a bad idea.” Sae sighed. “But sure, do whatever you want Saya.” “Fine.” xx 

Sae was surprised Saya actually went through with it. She understood what she was feeling, but it was still a bit weird. Sae had never been an attention hog, so withdrawing was easy for her, not like Saya. She could tell it hurt Saya, but she was doing a good job at her plan. 

They were stressed that their parents didn’t notice. Their parents did have a lot going on, since the whole kidnapping incident the war was building in intensity and it took a lot of Mina and Sana’s attention. The rest of it ended up getting directed to Nico, as she was still a baby. 

“They don’t even notice.” Saya sighed. “They are busy, Saya. If you don’t know this there’s a war going on right now.” Sae rolled her eyes, turning the page of her book.

“But- but-”

“No buts Saya, don’t be dramatic.” “I hate you.” Saya groaned. “Why are you so annoying?” 

“I’m your little sister, it’s my job,” Sae answered. “Go away, I’m reading.” “Reading is dumb.” “Your dumb.” “Whatever.” Saya groaned. “You know, sometimes I wished Saki hadn’t been born.” “You don’t mean that.” Sae rolled her eyes again. “I do! She’s-she’s so dumb and- and-” Tears came to Saya’s eyes. “I hate her.” “Yeah yeah. I know.” Sae sighed. “You know if Saki wasn’t born Nico would have been the heir.” “Well, then she shouldn’t have been born either.” Saya pouted. “Mom and Mama should have stopped with you.” “You don’t mean that…” Sae knew Saya well. They were the closest in age and she was more than familiar with Saya and what she really felt. “You know if you want attention you can just ask?”