#and after the call ended i sat for another 30 mins sobbing

[xsaintseraphx]

crying on and off for 3 days straight sure is exhausting

[otonymous]

A Bolt From The Blue (MLQC Shaw - NSFW) - Part IV (End): Courage, My Love

Description: The final chapter.  The Big Bang 😉  Warnings: NSFW/18+: Explicit/graphic language & mature themes — reader discretion is advised.  Potential trigger warnings: physically aggressive behaviour, ex-boyfriends, angst, size kink, profanity, vaginal fingering and intercourse Word Count: 4237 words (~21 mins of thrills, real talk, fluff and smut) Author’s Notes: To all the lovelies who have been patiently following this story: you’ve made it! 🥳  Welcome to the final chapter in this Shaw saga, where we aim to go out with a massive bang (pun intended 😆).  Once again, thank you all for every like, reblog, and comment I’ve received on this story.  You are all amazing, and I appreciate your support! 💕

As always, tagging the lovely @op-peccatori​ — I hope you enjoyed this story!  I certainly had lots of fun writing this!  Please note the potential trigger warnings listed above, dear readers, and happy reading! 

Jump to Chapter(s): One | Two | Three

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

The quiet is back.

But there is no peace, no relief in the monotony that follows after the man known as Shaw burst into your life like a bolt from the blue, stirring up long forgotten feelings like dead leaves animated by a carefree wind — here one minute, gone the next.

And with each passing day, hope erodes.

Little by little, your heart learns not to race as the clock above the magazine rack approaches 1:30.

It becomes harder to remember the sound purple sneakers made walking through the store.

You stop hoping, wishing, to see a head of lavender hair; that the next person to approach the register would place a cup of Pepsi mixed with Coke on the counter, amber-eyed gaze speaking volumes without uttering a single word.

Days become weeks, and then eventually…

…you stop counting them altogether.

* * *

“You’re looking good.  I see you’re doing well for yourself.”

He reaches for the jade pendant hanging around your neck, eyes flashing with amusement when you hit his hand away with an audible smack.

“What the hell do you want?  Haven’t you already done enough?” You say through grit teeth, steps quickening as you head for the better lit part of the street, trying to outpace the man and silently cursing the fact that returning to the convenience store was no longer an option at this point.

“C’mon baby, don’t be like that.  It took a lot of effort to track you down and I waited a very long time for you to get off work.  It’s cold, dark and lonely out here.  Is that any way to treat your boyfriend?  Or friend, at least?”

“ ‘Ex-boyfriend,’ asshole, and you’re no friend of mine, especially not after the way you took my life’s savings and ran.”

“Baby, it wasn’t like that—”

“Oh yeah?!  Did you try telling that to the loan sharks too before they came and trashed my place?  I had to move, Leto, because it wasn’t safe for me anymore, not with the way they kept harassing me and the neighbours asking about your whereabouts.  They even came to my office.  I lost my fucking job.  So don’t come around here and tell me that I’m doing well for myself.”

Breaking into a sprint, your mind races as you try to think of a way to lose your ex, anger and anxiety prickling every nerve in equal measure.  He had ruined your life, singlehandedly taken away everything you had.  And though you had known him once, desperation has a way of making monsters out of men.

And right now, for all you knew, he was desperate and dangerous.

“Please, I just want to talk.  I don’t need much this time, just a little bit to get me through this rough patch.  I’ll pay you back, I swear, just…just STOP FOR A MOMENT!—”

You shriek to feel Leto wrap his hand about your wrist, but before he could tighten his grip, another arm is thrown around your shoulder, pulling you back until you’re pressed up against a hard, muscular chest, staring at a close up of Snoopy riding a skateboard.

“You got business with my girl?”

That voice.  Dangerous and cocksure, yet comforting like nothing else as the muffled words reverberate through the tiny bones of your ear, a prelude to the soothing ba-bump of his heart, rhythm steady and concrete as the ground upon which you stood.

Shaw.

He’s really here.

“Hehe.  Your girl?”  The derision in Leto’s voice makes you sick to your stomach; you can’t help but hold your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop as he looks Shaw up and down, zeroing in on his old t-shirt.  “Tsk, tsk.  So, not only do you enjoy wearing second hand clothing, you also have the habit of picking up sloppy seconds?”

BOOM!

Deafening thunder rolls moments after a bolt of lightning rends the night sky in two, throwing a jagged spotlight on the fury written on Shaw’s face when he moves just as fast to grab a fistful of Leto’s collar.  The muscles of his forearm bulge as he holds up the entirety of Leto’s bodyweight in one hand, the sky opening in a sudden downpour as your ex struggles in midair, rain dripping almost comically from dangling feet.

And when Shaw brings Leto’s terrified face up close, the ferocity in those amber eyes sends a chill up your spine.

“This is the last time you’ll ever talk to her, see her, even think about her.  Or else I’ll find you and take my sweet time making you wish you were never born, do you understand me?”

Head bobbing in vigorous nods, drops of water fly off the tips of Leto’s rain-slicked hair.  Seemingly satisfied, Shaw tosses him onto the ground at your feet, voice low yet audible as it cuts through the din of the storm when he says, “Beg for her forgiveness.”

The fear in his expression almost palpable, Leto looks between you and Shaw — cowardice etched onto features you had once found so pleasing a lifetime ago.  He prostrates himself onto the wet pavement, voice cracking in between sobs as he yells over the sound of the rain:

“P-please…please forgive me!  I’m a piece of shit!  I’m nothing, I’m garbage!  I…I deserve to go to Hell for what I did to you!  I-I’m so sorry!  Please forgive me!”

Leto reaches out a shaky hand towards your soaked shoes before he remembers Shaw’s warning, but it is too late.  Black combat boots hit the concrete hard within an inch of Leto’s face as Shaw stoops, yanking back a fistful of hair and pulling until your ex is looking up at you like a pitiful supplicant begging for mercy.

“Satisfied?”  Shaw looks to you as if he were asking about something as mundane as the weather.  You nod, suddenly too tired to even speak.  You wanted to wash your hands of Leto, wanted nothing to do with all that had happened since you finished your shift at the convenience store.  All you could do was watch as Leto scrambled away on all fours the moment Shaw loosened his hold, running until he was nothing more than a speck of darkness merging with the night.

The rain is cold, wetness driving against your body to leech even the final bits of warmth from bone.  Your clothes are drenched, heavy as they cling uncomfortably to skin.  But you are too drained to care, lacking the energy to even notice when the dim light of the streetlamp above is blotted out — Shaw holding his leather jacket over your head in the place of an umbrella.

All you are aware of before your vision goes dark is the anxiety in his voice when he calls your name over and over again, how weightless it felt to be carried in the cradle of his arms.  

How much you missed the scent you thought you had learned to forget.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Finally awake, Sleeping Beauty?”

You opened your eyes to gaze into irises of warm amber, the situation similar to one you experienced before except for the fact that this time, you were the one lying in bed, staring at a man who sat on its edge, brows knit with concern beneath soft lavender strands.

“If you slept for any longer, I would’ve had to knock on your neighbour’s door.” Shaw chuckles but the sound is hollow, mirthlessness obvious like the blanched knuckles of his tightly clenched fists.

“What…how did we…” You begin, voice raspy as it dies, a sudden sharp pain in your throat making you wince.

And immediately, Shaw is on his feet, rummaging through cupboards in your kitchen until he finds a glass.  You watch him run the tap, fill it to the brim.  Feel the strength of his arm around your back as he holds you up, touch lingering even as you down the water in gulps to chase the discomfort away.

“You passed out not long after your douchebag of an ex ran off with his tail between his legs.  I found your keys in your purse, so I let myself into your apartment — hope you don’t mind.  Although, to be fair, I was also carrying you at the time, so it’s not really breaking and entering.”

Head feeling like it would explode as the events of the evening come rushing back, you turn towards him…slowly…slowly, afraid Shaw might disappear before your eyes should any movement prove too sudden.

Thank him.  Now.  Before he goes away again.

He is close, so close that you can count those long, beautiful lashes; almost feel the minuscule shifts in the air between you every time he blinks — those pupils encroaching onto gold as they expand and pulling you into their depths as they do.

“Why are you doing this?”

He doesn’t flinch at your question, and you can’t bring yourself to be shocked by the discrepancy between what you meant to say and the words actually spilling from your lips.  And as the grey memory of days spent counting the hours of his absence settles like lead in the pit of your stomach, the only thing you knew was that your heart couldn’t survive latching onto this sliver of hope only to have it ripped away again.

All you wanted…was the truth.

“Because I can’t stand to see you sad anymore.”

There is no smirk to stretch across that handsome face, only pain that hurts your heart to see it.  Resignation heavy in his voice, Shaw takes a deep breath before he continues.

“Turns out I’m weak when it comes to you.  Selfish.  I know I’m no good for you; there’s no future with me.  I can’t give you anything, can’t even promise you tomorrow, but…I just can’t stop thinking about you.  Wondering how you are.  Whether you’re eating well, sleeping well.  If you’re safe…happy.

“Tonight wasn’t supposed to happen.  I just wanted to make sure you got home okay, that some asshole wasn’t going to hassle you at work.  But then your ex showed up and when he tried to get fresh with you, well…I couldn’t let that slide.

“Listen, I don’t know what’s wrong with me but…I’m sorry, if I ever made you sad, if I scared you.  I’m sorry for everything.”

His gaze drops to the rip in his jeans, the drip, drip of the leaky faucet the only sound in the ensuing silence of his confession.  That is, until you say,

“I’m sorry too…that you’re such an idiot.”

His head whips up, brows furrowed and mouth slack as if caught in a rare moment of speechlessness.  The shock makes him seem years younger, lending him an air of innocence that you couldn’t help but smile at.

“In case it wasn’t obvious, I’m a grown woman, capable of making my own decisions.  I’m not so naïve that I don’t know what I would be getting into by being with you.  You say you can’t promise me tomorrow, but tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.  All we can ask for — hope for — is the here and now.  

“Love takes courage, as does life.  But a life without love…it’s not much of a life, is it?  So I’m willing to be brave if that’s what it’ll take for us to be together.”

As quickly as they came, the words are gone, leaving you cotton-mouthed and faint as your heart pounds to send the blood rushing to your ears.  That could’ve been the only explanation as to why Shaw’s “I knew there was a reason why I loved you” sounded so muffled you had to ask him to repeat himself.

“Too bad, I only say things once.”

And there it is again: the spark in his eyes, smirk on those lips — igniting the fire you only allowed yourself to feel in dreams of his body on yours, skin to skin like kindling to flame.

“Are you that single-minded about everything?”  You ask, the smile on your face mirroring his as it approaches closer…

“Only when it comes to not letting go of the one I care about.”

…closer…

“Tell me one thing.”  Your voice is barely above a whisper.

…and closer still.

Lips now a hair’s breadth apart, the gentle rhythm of his exhalation blows soft upon your cupid’s bow; a shy request.  Your vision is filled with him, wonderfully awash with colour — lavender, amber, the soft pink of his mouth — and you wished you were the very clothes upon his body; saturated in his intensity, dyed in his hues.

His eyes fixate on your tongue when you wet your lips before asking, “That night, when you were hurt so badly you passed out in my store…why did you still insist on coming in?”

Shaw’s breath catches, hitching in his throat.  You know because you can feel it, the way the warmth stops short on your skin.  And when he speaks, the eyes that hold yours tell you this is no lie.

“Because if it was going to be the last night of my life, I didn’t want to go without seeing your face one more time.”

Love is a funny thing.  Formless, senseless, yet the strongest thing that could bind two strangers.  You hadn’t known Shaw for long, could count the days you spent together on one hand.  And still, entirely without reason, he bled into each and every hour, crept into the darkest corners of your mind to fill your weary heart with a desperation that made it very clear that love was far from done with you.

That right or wrong, the only place you wanted to be was here — held in the arms that wrapped around your body: hot, tight, safe…

…Shaw.

His lips are softer than you ever imagined when he brings his face to yours, plush silk gliding corner to corner to cover your mouth in reverent kisses — one for each night he came into your store, watched over you from afar.  

Your stalwart protector.

You tasted it now, the remnants of cinnamon on his tongue from the gum he was so fond of chewing, intensified by the memory of all the times you wondered about its flavour: pink bubbles popping in his mouth as he coolly dealt with the robber, the night you emptied his pockets as your neighbour stitched him up on your bed.

Shaw tasted sweet.  Far sweeter than you ever imagined.

And when his tongue slides against yours — slow and sure as it explores your mouth with increasing fervour before drawing back just as you clenched around emptiness, yearning for more, the beast within you refuses to abide.

You like the shock that passes over his face when you move, sudden and forceful, to push him onto the mattress beneath you; the artless way Shaw sinks teeth into his bottom lip in response.  You like how he watches as you straddle his hips — gaze earnest and body honest, hardening as you grind undulating circles upon his groin.

But, perhaps most of all, you liked the spark of something wild in those amber eyes, an unpredictability warning that if you weren’t careful, you’d be the one to find yourself pinned to the bed.

Because wasn’t that ultimately the push-and-pull that characterized so much between you and him?  Maddening at times, but always, always binding you to Shaw like some red string of fate.

So you nod when he whispers “May I?”, unable to suppress a moan to finally feel his hands on you: tracing along your jaw, cradling your face…resting the pad of his finger on your lip before pushing past to stroke your tongue.

Every sound he makes pleases; the soft hiss preceding the bob of his Adam’s apple to feel your lips pucker around his finger to suck, pink tongue enticing as it swirls along the length of that digit, drawing it deeper into the hot wetness of your mouth.

You never saw yourself as seductive before, but Shaw made you feel sexy.  Perhaps the impulse stemmed from some primitive desire, an instinctive call to please the man you felt so profoundly for that shame was the farthest thing from your mind when you pulled his hand from your lips to guide it to your breast, only partially aware of how wet you were becoming from his gaze alone — half-lidded and heavy with lust.

The heat of his touch permeates your blouse, white and transparent still in patches from the rain.  You watch his hands as they play: cupping your breasts in a gentle squeeze, thumbs and forefingers catching your nipples to pinch and roll until they stood stiff against the drape of your clothing, the flush of your flesh bold through fabric.

“You’re so beautiful that there are times I think you can’t possibly be real.”

His voice is low, husky.  You let it wash over you, almost frightened by how stupidly happy you become, willing the magic to linger even as his words dissipate amongst the sounds of the night: neon buzzing and the faraway screams of sirens in the distance.

A world apart.

Your hands find the broad expanse of his chest, tracing along muscle before circling the nipples that stood erect against his damp t-shirt.  Each twitch is endearing, every erratic breath he draws to feel your touch making you fall harder.  And when he tries to focus on unbuttoning your blouse while fighting the impulse to tear it clean off your body, the stirring between your legs grows in intensity until he finally pulls the silken panels aside, a quiet gasp escaping his lips to see his necklace nestled between your breasts.

“It really does belong on you.”  

The admiration in his tone is laced with a hint of possessiveness that makes you throb.  Shaw pushes himself to sitting, gathering you onto his lap in one smooth motion as he buries his face in your chest, inhaling deep.  You gasp to feel gentle teeth sink into the flesh of your breasts, Shaw following the chain of precious metal with his lips until it leads to the pendant.  And when his tongue slips out to draw the piece of jade into his mouth, he brings your nipple along with it.

“Oh!…”

The sensation is unlike any you’ve known before, the soft wetness of his pliant tongue a searing contrast with the cool, smooth stone rubbing against the sensitive tip of your breast in equal measure.  You feel his smile on your skin when you fist your hands into lavender hair, spine curving as your legs begin to tremble.

And he had yet to touch you below the waist.

“Your body responds so well to me.  I knew you were a good girl.”  He looks up at you, teasing shamelessly even as he continues to lavish attention on your breasts.

“Just your girl, if you’ll have me,” you say without second thought, long past the point of caring to keep your cards close to your chest.

Something breaks in that expression, the final walls crumbling like dust when Shaw blinks once…twice, revealing eyes that shine with emotion when he replies, “For the rest of my life, if you’ll have me.”

* * *

“Hmm!—”

Your moan is muffled, swallowed by Shaw’s greedy lips like he does with every sound of ecstasy that leaks like you do around his cock, buried impossibly deep in your body as it rocks back and forth, back and forth on his muscular thighs…

…doing your best to adjust to his ample size.

He had barely suppressed a chuckle when you first slipped your hand into his jeans, a subtle mix of pride and amusement on his face to see your eyes widen when you couldn’t quite wrap palm and fingers around the entirety of his girth.

And foreplay had only just begun.

“Still doing okay?” Shaw asks, touch tender as he brushes loose strands of hair from your eyes, lips smoothing along the apple of your cheek to feel its pink heat.  “We can go as slow as you want, there’s no rush.  If it’s too much, we can stop—”

“No!  No…I’m okay.  More than okay, I’m great.  Please…please don’t stop…don’t stop…”

Struggling to string words together, your breath comes in disjointed pants as Shaw begin to thrust up — the look on his face effortlessly sensual when he bites his lip to feel you spasm around him, tight wetness yielding in increments to accommodate his body as it broke new ground.

For you had never taken a man of that size, the litheness of Shaw’s muscular body belying the impressive package he’d been hiding in those jeans.  Your jaw ached just to look upon the length of that thick cock, mouth watering as a fresh wave of arousal made you press your thighs tighter together.  The movement didn’t go unnoticed.  Shaw had drawn you to him then — deft fingers dipping low to trace the outline of your swollen folds through moist panties, lavender head bending to kiss its lacy trim.

He took his time preparing you, licking his fingers before he eased them into your pussy — first one, then two…curling deep until the slippery sounds of arousal told him the time was ripe to introduce the third, leaving you blooming for him even as he whispered, “Think you’re ready for me to make you my girl for real?”

It borders on overwhelming, this sensation of fullness — between your legs, within your heart.  And as skin stretched to capacity to accommodate the sweet friction of his slide, you wished there was a way for the euphoria of this connection to last forever:

To the one you could never forget, no matter how hard you tried.

To this man you loved like no other.

“Shaw.”

His name is faint on your breath when he falls back onto the bed, taking you with him.  And as you found yourself straddling his hips once more, the altered angles of your bodies gave him the leverage to make you gasp when he begins to thrust in earnest.  The eroticism of his face, lost in lust, drives all thoughts from your mind as you drop a hand to your clit, fingers drawing tight circles before his hungry eyes.

The violence of your climax takes you by surprise, having no time to consider neighbours and thin walls as the lewdest sounds escape your lips at high volume.  Intense convulsions wracking your body in waves, you clench in time around your lover.  The sensation proves too much to bear, drawing out Shaw’s own release as he pulls out to spill onto the folds of your pussy — swollen and pink and trembling still beneath the coat of his pearlescent seed.

* * *

“I love you.”  

Morning light trickles across your walls like the slow crawl of spidery legs.  Shaw’s words hang in the air between you, a final, sacred moment shared between lovers before the rest of the world wakes.

You loved the hoarseness in his voice; a testament to the hours of noisy lovemaking you had shared in lieu of sleep.

You loved the weight of his hand, stroking softly at the crown of your head.

You loved the rhythm of his heart, echoing just below your ear to confirm his existence.

“I love you too.”

You look up into those amber eyes, trying to discern whether those four little words were sufficient in conveying that fact that you adored every fibre of the man before you.

The smile that graces his face in return is tender, honest…more brilliant than the day breaking in the East.

Your hands find his body, bare beneath the sheets.  And as a curious finger traces along the ridge of the scar that runs in a broad stroke across his sculpted abdomen, your gaze falls on his t-shirt, draped over the back of a chair.

“You should probably throw that Snoopy shirt away, especially after what happened last night.”

Shaw follows your line of sight, chest rising and falling in a deep sigh.  “Shitty as its previous owner was, I could never bring myself to hate something that reminds me of you.  Aside from saving my ass, this was the first gift you ever gave me.  And I never throw away gifts from my girl.”

His girl.

The mystery of life is that filled with unknowns though it is, we continue to live, brave in the face of the uncertainty that comes with every passing day.  You had no idea what fate had in store for you or Shaw, had no way of knowing if your relationship existed on borrowed time.  

The only thing you were certain of was that your feelings for each other were real, that try as you might, neither of you were very good at forgetting the other.  That in this moment, here and now, the only thing that mattered was this love that hit you…

…like a bolt from the blue.

⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️⚡️

Thanks so much for reading!  I hope you all enjoyed this Shaw saga! 💖 

Check out more of my work here! 📚 (Please do not repost/copy/alter my work.  Reblogs, on the other hand, are perfectly fine and much appreciated! 💖👍🏼)

Jump to Chapter(s): One | Two | Three

[krreader]

BTS reacting to you continuously forgiving them.

pairing: bts x reader fandom: bts warnings: cheating ; alcohol abuse ; fwb relationship ; language genre: angst ; a bit of fluff ; mentions of smut

a/n: so, this one was really hard for me to write, just because I’m not a believer of the whole ‘continous forgiving’ thing. for the sake of the request, I did write it and it is quite sad and all that, but please, please, PLEASE do not ever let your partner treat you this way..

ask box | masterlist | fandoms | faq | multifandom reader blog

kim seokjin

Everything seemed to be more important to Jin than you. Whether it was BTS, his company, his fans, it really didn't matter, it was all more important than you.

It hadn't always been that way, in the beginning of your relationship it was nice and he cared.. but somewhere down the road, he stopped doing that and now you were lucky enough if you were allowed to see him at least once a week.

You had planned this date for quite some time, had planned the entire night through, wanted to surprise him with new lingerie and good food.. but he didn't even show up. No text, no call, nothing. 

He just didn't show up..

It was only three days later that he suddenly stood in front of your door, looking like nothing happened, “Hey.. you okay? You don't look so good.”

But you didn't say anything, just left the door open for him and walked back towards the couch, pulling the blanket back over your legs and hugging your pillow close to your body.

“(Y/N)?” Jin followed you, sitting down next to you and cocking his head to the side, “What is it?”

“We were supposed to have a date three days ago..”

“Were we?”

“Yes, Jin,” you snorted out of frustration, the first tear rolling out of your eye, the second following soon after, “But you forgot again.. and I'm such a fucking idiot, for continuously forgiving you and hoping something would change one day. That it would be like it used to be between us..”

“I.. I'm sorry, Jagi,” he blinked a couple of times, “I didn't know..-”

“Of course you didn't.. because you don't care..”

“What?! I do care!”

“Then show me, for god's sake! Just once, I'd like you to not let me down.. just.. just once..,” your voice broke towards the end.

Instead of replying, he pulled you towards him when you started sobbing, gently rocking you in his arms and pressing kisses against your hairline, whispering apologies against your head. Because he truly was sorry.. hurting you so much and making it seem like he didn't care had never been his intention.

min yoongi

You knew the reason as to why he was 'working late' these past weeks, maybe even months. You knew that he was having an affair and every day those three words that were supposed to make you happy left his mouth, you knew it was a lie. You knew that he wasn't in love with you anymore, otherwise he'd never hurt you this much.

But as much as your heart was broken and shattered into a million pieces, you just couldn't go. Maybe it was because of your four year old son, that you didn't want put through the tiring process of a divorce, but more probable, it was just the fact that you couldn't leave him. 

You were making dinner for you and your son in the kitchen when you could hear the front door suddenly being opened. It was 6:30, usually the time he'd tell you he'd have to work late, so why was he here?

You could hear him greet Taemin in the living room, before he walked into the kitchen, opening the fridge without saying a word to you.

“How was work?” you looked up from the pasta and tried smiling at him, but the second you could see how he looked, the lipstick stains on his collar and the hickeys on his neck, that smile vanished.

Yoongi immediately noticed the hurt look flash across your face and looked down on himself, quickly hiding the collar and clearing his throat, “It's.. it's not what it looks like..”

“You don't have to lie to me,” you stirred the pasta around, “I know you're cheating on me..”

Your husband turned his head to the side and closed the door of the kitchen a bit, not wanting his son to overhear anything.

“How.. how long have you known?”

“Does it matter?” you laughed humorlessly, “It won't change the fact that you're having sex with another woman behind my back.”

And as if he didn't care, all he could say was: “Why are we still together, then?”

That made it clear that he didn't care about you anymore.. maybe he loved you at one point, but if he still did, he never would have said it so harshly.

“Because I'd still do anything for you and I would always forgive you if you asked me to,” you turned around to look at him, a single tear rolling out of your eye, “Because unlike you.. I still love you and this family.”

Yoongi wanted to reply, but his son carefully pushed open the door and ran over to you with a happy laugh, “Mommy? Can we eat now?”

You quickly wiped the tear away and picked him up, pressing a kiss against his cheek and trying to sound cheerful, “Ten more minutes, okay?”

And for the first time, Yoongi realized that he wasn't part of this family anymore. That for the past months, you had been a single mother, despite him living in the same house and being married to you. 

And it was his own fault..

jung hoseok

Jung Hoseok was a very cheerful person on the outside. Someone who seemed like he was always happy and someone who wanted everyone around him to be happy as well.

But sometimes, he had to have an outlet. He had to let off steam and had to get all the frustration out so that he could become J-Hope from BTS.

That has become you. You have become his outlet, even though you used to call yourself his girlfriend. But these days, all he wanted was to have sex. And it wasn't loving anymore, it was rough and quick. It didn't hurt and you weren't uncomfortable, it just didn't mean anything anymore. To him, at least.

He came to your place, had sex with you, then put his clothes back on without another word and left. That's what your relationship had turned into.

But today, you wanted it to be different again. Today was your birthday and you had decided to treat yourself (since he definitely wouldn't) and buy some new lingerie, hoping this would change.. something.

But when he came, he didn't even really notice it. He just took off his shoes, pushed you against the wall and kissed your neck.

“Hobi, wait..-” you gently pushed him away, “Don't you know what today is?”

“I don't have time for this, (Y/N),” he wanted to push the robe off of your shoulders, but you stopped him again.

“It's my birthday,” a small smile spread on your lips, as you bounced back and forth.

“Well.. happy birthday,” and back at your throat he was.

But not today.. any other day, you could have ignored it and let him do what he had to do. Any other day, you would have accepted it. Not today.

You pushed him away once more, “Is.. is that all you have to say to me?”

“I told you, I don't have time, I need to be back at the dorms in an hour..”

For a moment you just stared at each other and you could tell that he was beginning to become annoyed. Then you said: “Do you still love me?”

“What?”

“Actually.. don't answer it,” you shook your head, tying the robe back around your waist, “I already know the answer. But I've been stupid enough to let you fuck me every day without expecting anything in return. I've been stupid enough to forgive you for not loving me anymore, because I continue to hope that you will again one day, if I let you treat me like I'm garbage,” you wiped the tears away that were falling out of your eyes.

“Where are you going?” he asked as you walked away.

“To the bedroom.. so you can treat me like shit once more..”

But he didn't. Not today. He followed you, yes, but he didn't sleep with you, he just sat next to you and you just talked for the hour that he had time and yet again, hopes that he'd change were sparking within you.. hopefully this time, he'd actually change.

kim namjoon

He used you. And you knew that he was using you. And that's what made it so fucking horrible, the fact that you let him.

You let him tell you that he cared and loved you, when you knew he didn't. When you knew he only wanted to sleep with you. You let him make promises you knew he would never keep and you let him fuck three other girls behind your back, even though he continuously told you you were the only one.

But you let him, because you thought you were the one who could change him.

Something that every girl said who fell in love with her fuck buddy.

Naive and stupid, that's what you were for forgiving him and doing absolutely everything for him.

Like tonight, when he called you at three in the morning, just because he was horny and wanted to see you. You actually got out of bed, put on some make-up and some nice clothes and drove over to him, having sex with him only an hour later.

You wanted to cuddle afterwards, but that obviously didn’t happen, making up yet another excuse. He laughed and said: “Not today, baby.. I've got to get up early. Next time, okay?”

But he never did it 'next time', because he always used that excuse and you always believed him.

You watched him get out of bed and throw you your clothes, before winking at you, “Was nice again, though.”

And when he went to the bathroom and you saw his phone on the nightstand light up, you couldn't help but grab it and read through the message, your heart breaking yet again at what you were reading.

“So, I was wondering, maybe you and I could..- what are you doing?” he stood in front of you in his boxers.

“'Are you with (Y/N) again? I thought she sucked in bed.. you know I'd treat you much better than she ever could',” you read out aloud.

He snatched the phone out of your hands, “That's private.”

“Everyone told me how stupid I am for doing everything for you.. for hoping I could change you,” you slowly started putting your clothes back on, while the first tears dropped to the floor.

Namjoon didn't say a word, but he did feel remorse at seeing you cry. Because despite everything, he never wanted you to find out about what was going on behind your back. Because he did like you.. just not the way you liked him.

“And you want to know the worst thing about all of this? I'd forgive you for the rest of my life if asked me to and I'd come running for the rest of my life if you called,” you laughed humorlessly, not giving a fuck about the tears anymore, “That's what I get for falling in love with you..”

park jimin

“Have you been drinking again?” you asked as he tumbled into the living room, Hoseok and Namjoon right behind him.

“We were having fun, baby,” he laughed and wanted to kiss you, but you quickly shoved him away from you.

“Have fun somewhere else. Your daughter just fell asleep, I don't want her to wake up again, because her father is drunk.”

“But baby,” he whined, again, wanting to wrap his arms around you, but this time, you pushed him onto the couch, “Oooooh, I like where this is going.”

“You'll sleep down here. And don't you dare go upstairs and into Alices' room.”

Actually, you didn't trust him that he wouldn't, not in the state he was in, so you carefully picked your infant daughter out of her crib and took her with you to the bedroom, locking the door and trying to get some sleep, which unfortunately didn't happen easily. Things like: 'Why does he keep doing this' or 'Does he hate his life so much that he has to drink so much?' ran through your head and sooner, rather than later, you ended up crying so badly, because you felt like a failure. As a mother, but also as a partner for Jimin.

There had to be a reason as to why he was doing this right?

And surely, it was your fault.

So the next morning, when you walked downstairs with your baby, you already found him sitting in the kitchen, clearly having a hangover.

“Ugh.. what happened last night?”

“You came home drunk again,” you said plainly, taking out a bottle for Alice.

“Did I?” he sighed and got up, as hard as it was, to walk over to his girls, but you quickly walked away, “Jagi?”

“I don't want you around Alice when you're not one hundred percent sober yet..”

And you knew, for the sake of your daughter, you should leave him. But you just couldn't. You would always be there for him and you would always forgive him for coming home drunk.. you were trapped in a web that you couldn't get out of.

All you could hope for was that Jimin eventually would start realizing that what he was doing wasn't good for him, your relationship and definitely not for his daughter.

kim taehyung

At this point, you weren't sure if he kept referring to himself as being single for the sake of your safety, or because he didn't want people to know you were together.

But it started to feel like the latter, because somehow, after two and a half years of dating, you still had never met his band members. He told you that he'd introduce you when the time was right, but the time just never seemed to be right?

Eventually, you figured that he was probably embarrassed by you, because you were normal and not like the other girlfriends that Bangtan had at this point. You weren't famous and you didn't earn a shit ton of money. You were just a normal girl, who fell in love with an idol.

At first it hadn't even been that bad, but the more girlfriends Bangtan members had, the more he seemed to realize that you just really weren't like them.

But today you realized just how embarrassed he really was by you, when you walked into the bedroom, fully ready in a nice dress, with full-make up and your hair styled, saying: “I'm ready.”

Tae laughed and stopped tying his shoes, “Ready for what?”

“Your birthday party, silly.”

“Oh.. oh, uh..,” he cleared his throat and got up, beginning to fidget with his fingers, “You see.. it was actually only supposed to be me and the boys tonight.”

“What? Why didn't you tell me before I put in all this effort?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Sorry, honey,” he was clearly uncomfortable, but quickly kissed you to hide that, “We can go out tomorrow though? Just you and me?”

You believed him. You wanted to believe him and have faith in him. But it was only two hours later, when you were already in bed in your comfortable pajamas that your phone started blowing up with notifications and a moment later, pictures of Tae and his band members appeared on your screen, celebrating his birthday. But see, it wasn't just the guys.. because all the other girlfriends were there.. all but you.

That night, you cried like an idiot, sobbed into the pillow and hated yourself so much. You told yourself that you weren't good enough for him and that you should just leave, but you knew you would never do that, because you loved him so much that it was almost unhealthy.

But when he came back in the morning and laid down behind you, you pretended to be asleep, pretended that you didn't know anything. Because even though he was obviously embarrassed by you as his girlfriend, you still forgave him.

Which was so fucking stupid and you knew it. You should pack your things and you should leave, because he wasn't appreciating your worth.

..but you didn't.

jeon jeongguk

You often asked yourself why he was with you in the first place, if he didn't want to be.

Or maybe he did.. maybe you were the second best thing he could get.

Everyone knew how much he liked IU and you were definitely not her. You couldn't give him what she could, but she mostly didn't even seem to notice him. You often caught him watching videos of her and when you were out and she was at a party too, he'd stare at her in awe.. like he was in love.. and that broke you.. because he never looked at you that way.

Today was one of those events that you both attended, you were staying behind the scenes at all times obviously, enjoying your time by talking to some other idols that have become your friends, when one of the girls suddenly asked: “(Y/N)? No offense.. but why are you still with Jungkook?”

“What do you mean?” you laughed as you took a sip of your drink.

She only tilted her head in the direction of him and you found him staring at IU once more. Everyone could tell how much he loved her.. everyone. That included you.

“You deserve someone who looks at you that way.. you don't deserve someone whose second best choice you are.”

“She's right,” your other idol friend grabbed your hand and looked into your eyes, “Why do you put up with this..”

“I don't know.. I guess.. I guess I'd just do anything for him. And I guess I'd rather be the second best than none at all.”

“(Y/N), this isn't good for you. This is going to hurt you so much one day.. imagine.. what if she actually does end up liking him back? What if he leaves you without a word? It would break you.. fully break you, I mean.”

“You know what's the sad thing?” you looked back at him with a sad smile, “I'd still forgive him.. because I just love him that much..”

“Well love, I think it's time for you to find somebody else to be in love with though. Because Jungkook doesn't seem like he will treat you right any time soon.”

[trash-and-recyle-fics]

Feisty 2

Warnings: Violence? Swearing grammar punctuation and spelling mistakes

Summary: so uh here’s the thing I suck at summary’s so just read

Enjoy

———————————————————————

You have been living with the Winchester’s for about a month now...

The asshat actually made you go to school. You signed up at the office with Sam and started in a week. One week to make it so you didn’t have to go. As soon as you got back to the bunker you went to the bathroom and grabbed the hunters first aid hit. It had salt a lighter dental floss, cotton balls, guaze, rubbing alcohol and a pack of sewing needles. You grabbed it and went to your room. It was simple just a bed with green sheets, obviously cement walls and a black rug on the floor. You went to your wall where a mirror hung. You sterilized the needle with the lighter and counted to three. You shoved the needle through your septum and before you pushed it all the way through you went to your dresser that was up against the far wall and grabbed the nose jewelry you stole the last time you went on a run with Sam. Putting the pericing in was as painful as 99 paper cuts. You cleaned it with a cotton ball and rubbing alcohol. Putting everything away you got out you grabbed your makeup- that you also swiped when Dean took you to the closet mall for clothes shopping. You drew on eyeliner and put on mascara. You did one final look in the mirror and went to talk the the boys.

“Hey Y/N I was wondering- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?” Dean pointed to your face and screamed like a 12 year old girl who saw a spider.

“Its makeup dipshit.” Sam cam up behind you holding a plate of food. Most likely for Dean consider the guy can barely take care of himself. As you turned to look at him Dean started talking again.

“Sammy! Tell her no! She isn’t aloud to where that shit and she punched a fucking hole in her nose!! Tell her to take it out!” Sam looked mildly horrified as he set the plate on the library table.

“Y/N.. why did you perice your nose?”

“I wanted to.” You shrugged and started to walk to the map room. Dean moves around you so he blocked your way.

“Too young- you are too young!” He shouted. Now you had a full on shit eating grin.

“I’m 16 smartass.” You remarked.

“Okay okay! Calm down, Dean she is just expressing herself through makeup. It not a huge deal.” Sam spoke.

“She.Has.A.Hole.In.Her.Face!!!”

“Awe Dean just listen to Sammy. It’s not a big deal.” You walked back to your room and sat there with a giant grin of your face. Step one is done.

A couple days later with only five more days to go to school you decided to take the next step. At night you researched cases and beasts you thought to be mystical. You had learned enough to know that a couple states over there was a werewolf case. All victims found with hearts gone. So the next morning you put your plan in action.

“Dean.... I’m boredddd.” You said while sitting at the map table as he researched a monster that was causing people to die prematurely.

“Not my problem Y/N.” He said not even looking up from the lore book.

“Hey Sam did you know there is a werewolf case about a days drive away.” He almost choked on his coffee.

“How do you know what a werewolf case looks like?” Dean eyes were glowing with anger.

“There are tons of books and files on them here. I wanna go kill it. Will you take me?” You said not even offering a glance at Dean.

“No. You will it go on hunts. The most you will ever do is read about them. Are we clear?” Dean said looking you strait in the eyes.

“Oh come on-“

“He’s right Y/N. You won’t go on a hunt. Ever. As long as we are here you will not.” Sam stood and left the room.

Dean wasn’t looking at you anymore he was looking through you with a sad expression on his face.

“I’m still bored.” He again looked at you and had a ghost of a smile.

Part three was the hardest and probably the one that would work though. You had been talking to another hunters son. Sam has gone on a hunt and needed information about the thing. The boy called to get the information from Dean but you picked up instead. Now you guys have been texting.

You sat in the kitchen with a sandwich in front of you. Your phone facing up and getting texts from Joel. The case had ended about a day ago and Sam was home. Joel was sweet but just wasn’t your type. As Sam walked in he sat down across from you with a beer.

“Hey so Y/N Dean and I were talking and-*ding*.” Your phone went off. Then again and again. Finally Sam took it and looked at the texts.

“What the hell Y/N.” Sam set your phone down and rubbed his forehead.

“What?” You took your phone and put it in your pocket.

“Dean is going to have a heart attack.”

“Just don’t tell him.”

“Actually I came In here to talk to you about something.. Dean and I have talked about you meeting some uh people.” Confused you took a defensive stance.

“And what does that mean Samuel?”

“We have some friends that are away right now, in fact they are also helping Dean.. they are going to come here in about an hour..” deciding to take it a step further you reasponded.

“Is one cute? Or maybe hot? Like what do they look like. How big are his hands? You know what they say Sammy big hands- big feet big-“

“DONT FINISH THAT.”

He got up with his beer and left. So Dean would be home in an hour or so with the guets and you needed to up the anti. In your room you put on the shortest pair of short you had, a tight shirt with a flannel unbottend and just put on your same old shoes.

You applied heavy eyeliner and mascara and put on your worst attitude. Now this would surly delay school for at least a couple more days.

As Dean came in through the heavy door you waited in the libary with the very phone the boys gave you while texting Joel. He was getting flirty and you grew impatient. Sam and Dean called you into the map room and you gladly got up to go. You texted Joel back and put the phone in your pocket. You pulled up your shorts a bit and went to great the guets. There was a guy wearing a trench coat and another wearing jeans and a green jacket. As you sat in a chair of the map room you put your feet up on the table.

“What the hell are you wearing?!”

“Oh you know a flannel.”

“No not that those.” He pointed to your shorts and the two men also looked confused.

“What do you mean?” The sickingly sweet voice almost drove yourself crazy.

“THATS IT!” Dean hit the table and you flinched. Sam saw but was to concerned about the high tension in the room.

“YOU WALK AROUND HERE LIKE THE WORLD OWES YOU SOMETHING! YOU THINK THAT GIVING YOU A PLACE TO STAY AND FOOD WAS ENOUGH BUT APPARENTLY NOT! SO TELL ME Y/N WHAT ELS DO YOU WANT?!” Shock ran hot through your body. So you did what you do best and hide it with attitude.

“Stop trying to be my dad I have a dad!!” You stood as you yelled.

“Oh yeah because he cared so much about you! He used you as a punching bag! He didn’t love you Y/N!” You stepped back. The words sinking in and sadness taking over. The room got so quite, but the air was as thick as a war zone. You made yourself look at Dean through you tears and quite crying.

“I don’t need you. I could leave and just go. Maybe go back home. They wanted me at least.” You turn to pack your shit but again he had to open his trap.

“They didn’t need you Y/N the used you.” You turned on your heel and ran to him smaking him across the face. You made a fist and hit him in the chest. He backed away but you continued your outburst. You hit shoved and smacked him. Finally Sam grabbed you from behind and lifted you away from Dean.

“DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THEY DIDN’T WANT ME!” You struggled against Sam and yearned to knock the daylights out of the elder Winchester.

“CAS!” Sam’s voice echoed. You paid him no mind though. You were full on crying and scratching at his arms so you could get back to Dean. Cas walked in front of your veiw and raised to fingers. Then all went black.

TIME SKIP

You woke up in your bed your shoes were off and you were covered with a blanket. You rolled over and started to cry. You cluched your stomach and started to rock. Grabbing the blanket and put it to your face. Covering your mouth and nose to try and silence the sobbing. You layed back down and continued rocking and crying.

*In the kitchen*

“I don’t know Dean but maybe you should try and talk to her.”

“No. She obviously doesn’t want to talk.” His face was bruising already and had cut on his lip. Sam has bled a bit from you scratching at his arms.

“Dean-“

“What Cas?”

“She is awake.” The brothers looked at each other. Sam stood and followed Dean down the hall.

*in your room*

You heard the echo of the footsteps and you covered your head with the blanket. Your door opened and you tried to dry your eyes.

“Hey Y/N?” Sam spoke

“Get out.” You voice sounded weak and you hated it.

“No you can’t do that! Not again just -damn it- talk to us!” Dean pulled your blanket off of you and you curled into a ball.

“What do you want? Why can’t you just leave me? Why didn’t you just take me to a bus station?” Again the tears started and Sam sat down on your bed. He put his hand on your arm. You cried harder.

“Why Y/N why are you acting like this?” You sat up and wiped your face.

“The last time I went to school was when I snuck out of my house to go. When my father found out he dragged me home and beat me til I passed out. When I woke up he told me he loved me and that I needed to follow his rules. I was in 7th grade. 7th grade! So yeah I have been acting up! But I can’t go to high school I don’t know shit!” Dam sat down on your bed while Dean chose to stand. Sam put his hand on your arm.

“Look Y/N enough is enough. No more acting out like this. For now until we find another way to get you an education you don’t have to go to public school.” You nodded unable to show much more emotion.

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” Dam nodded but Dean let out a laugh.

“Oh Y/N if you think a little attitude would drive us off you are wrong. More wrong than sauce on a steak.” Sam laughed at the comment and you let a grin show.

After about 30 min you left your room to shower. You grabbed your towel but completely forgetting clothes. It was too late once you realized this. You were already done with showering and had the towel wrapped tight around your body. The bunker was big there was hardly a chance you would run into someone. Wrong. About halfway to your room you ran smack into the guy from earlier. His hair blonde and eyes brilliant.

“I uh I’m sorry I didn’t see you!” He apologized profusely.

“I’m Y/N.” You put on a fake confident smile.

“I uh I’m Jack.” This time you have him a genuine smile. You walked around him still clutching your towel. As you arrived in your room butterflies became prominent. He was flat out delicious.

Part 3???

Jack x reader???

FEEDBACK IS THE BEST FORM OF EXPRESSION!!!!

[putschki1969]

Japan ~ Summer 2018 #2 🎌🚅

Quick introduction: Hello my lovlies!! As most of you might already know, I went to Japan this summer. It was a rather spontaneous decision based on the fact that both Hikaru and Wakana had announced their solo lives. At that point I was suffering from a serious case of Kalafina withdrawal so I felt like I had no choice but to go. I just needed to see them. Also, it was my 30th birthday so I thought I would treat myself. You only turn 30 once, right? On a side note, the timing finally gave me the opportunity to do something I had wanted to do for a few years now. Climb Mount Fuji. o(〃＾▽＾〃)o So yeah, that’s the backstory of my trip. I stayed in Japan from July 30 till August 14 and pretty much my entire trip was dedicated to Kalafina Pilgrimage. Let me tell you this, it was by far the best summer vacation of my life, worth each and every penny! And believe me, there were a LOT of pennies involved XD

Notes: Once again this is coming pretty late but not as late as my previous travel report so that’s a good thing. It took some time to gather my thoughts and put them all into words. This report will be a bit different from the last one since I thought it would be nice to include some travel tips here and there. I guess you could see this as some sort of travel guide/Kala-guide. Many of my followers have never been to Japan so I guess some general info would be useful to make things easier for you if you ever decide to travel to Japan.

Please note that this is Part 2 of my report. It is dedicated to my time in Toyama. Part 1 can be found HERE!

Without further ado, let’s get to it 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Aug 4 (Sat) ~ Toyama Trip

I decided I would dedicate that entire day to a Toyama trip. I made the mistake of not reserving a seat in advance for the shinkansen. I usually always do that but for some reason I didn’t think the train to Toyama would be that frequented. Turns out I was wrong (at least when it comes to the fast bullet train - the Kagayaki). When I got to Ueno that morning I was planning to take one of the earlier trains but it was already completely booked out. Later on I found out that Aug 4/5 was the Toyama Matsuri weekend so it's really no surprise that all the shinkansen seats had already been reserved. I ended up getting a ticket for the 10:14 Kagayaki which meant I would arrive in Toyama around noon (a little later than planned but oh well, there was nothing that could be done about it). It was my first time taking the Hokuriku Shinkansen so I splurged a little on a fancy ekiben °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖° For those of you who don’t know, ekibens are bento boxes sold at train stations. You can eat them on a long shinkansen ride. There are so many different types to choose from. But I’d personally recommend the one I got. The E7 Bento Box. Like many others, the Hokuriku shinkansen has a very distinctive look so of course, it also has its very own bento box XD And boy, is it a cute box! Perfect to keep as a souvenir. And the good thing about it, there’s mostly stuff in it that I actually eat (I am a VERY picky eater!). The special Ueno Coca Cola bottle is also cute as hell btw!

The ride to Toyama takes a little over two hours I think. I arrived around noon (maybe at 12:30 or something). Shortly before I arrived I realised that I had forgotten my USB cable. I brought my charging battery but it was useless to me without a USB cable At that point I had already used my phone quite extensively and my battery was at around 60%. I was already starting to panic a little because I had all these plans for Toyama but they required me to use google maps, without google maps to rely on, I wouldn’t be able to find ANY of the places I wanted to visit. When I arrived I was greeted by a gorgeous little street festival, right outside of Toyama Station there were lots of people gathering around a handful of dance groups. It was quite pretty and spectacular. But at that point I was already scared to use my phone for anything except google maps so I didn’t take any pictures. *sobs* Such a shame. First I made my way to the Nanakosi shop that sells those pastries Hikaru mentioned in the 10th Anniversary Film. It’s located inside the Sōgawa Ferio Grand Plaza which is about a 20 min walk away from Toyama Station. Usually 20 min is nothing for me and I always try to explore new areas on foot but man, it was hell to go there. It was really hot that day and my battery was dropping faster than expected in the heat. Google maps was constantly crashing on me and it didn’t seem to work properly. I kept going the wrong way (please note that I have no sense of direction whatsoever). So yeah, I was a mess. Frantically I was trying to find a shop that sold USB cables but for some reason I had a really hard time finding one. Usually they sell those in conbinis but I couldn’t even find one of those. Plus, I was scared to venture too far away from my route since I thought I might get lost. Thank God I eventually managed to find a 100 yen shop. They have everything, including USB cables. After that I was able to relax and focus on my Hikaru pilgrimage.

So yeah, like I said, I was walking towards Ferio Grand Plaza. On my way there I passed Toyama Castle. It’s a nice little castle with a small garden but nothing to write home about. When I arrived at Grand Plaza I was greeted by yet another festival. A nice little wind ensemble was playing popular songs such as “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid, it was quite epic. They were all wearing uniforms, it was some sort of commemorative event to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Toyama police department band or something .

Grand Plaza is a really nice gathering place that’s protected by a glass ceiling but it’s still outdoors. It’s a wide open space and often used as venue for events like the one mentioned above. While enjoying the concert I bought myself one of those infamous Nanakosi pastries.

I got the one with custard because I am not a fan of the standard bean filling. I’ll be real with you, it wasn’t all that great (sorry, Pika-chan T_T). I think it might be more enjoyable in winter but during a hot summer day it was just too much (and that’s coming from someone who can usually eat a lot of sweet stuff). There was just too much filling. It was a struggle to finish it. Afterwards I walked around the Ferio Grand Plaza area a bit to find the Doutor Coffee shop that Hikaru had worked at in her student days. It’s very close to the Nanakosi shop so everyone should be able to find it quickly. It’s the Toyama Sōgawa shop in case any of you want to check it out ( 〒930-0083 Toyama-ken, Toyama-shi, Sōgawa, 3 Chome−5−４ アキオビル 1F).

My next stop was the Yamaha Music Center which was also mentioned in the 10th Anniversary Film. It’s only a 10-minute walk from Grand Plaza (although I took a lot longer because google maps was messing with me again or maybe I was just too stupid to follow the directions, I don’t know). At any rate, the center is a little hidden away in the backstreets of Toyama so it wasn’t exactly easy to find. Of course the heat made everything seem a lot worse XD. Here’s the address for those of you who want to go there one day => 富山音楽センター 〒930-0049 富山県富山市豊川町５-６

Then it was time to head north, to Kansui Park. You simply follow the river for about 30 minutes and then you are there, it felt really nice to walk along the riverside, the trees were providing some shade, there was a nice breeze so close to the water and you could listen to the cicadas singing. Oh boy, I underestimated how loud they could actually get. I had never heard them before because I always travel to Japan in the winter time.

Kansui Park is absolutely gorgeous! This is where Kalafina performed during the Stardust Illusion Festival. I summarised Hikaru’s blog post from that day. She talks about how that was one of the most special lives for her so of course I had to go and see where it took place. Hikaru also mentioned the infamous Kansui Park Starbucks which is known for its lovely terrace views. And really, it DID have some nice views. I took a little break there and tried to cool down with a cold drink. Afterwards I headed to Aubade Hall, the venue of Hikaru’s dreams. She has mentioned in a couple of blog posts that ever since she was little she always wanted to perform there. And Kalafina did end up performing there twice. Once back in 2015 for their fotw tour and then last year for their 9+ONE tour. It’s about 10 minutes away from Kansui park, pretty close to Toyama Station actually. Here’s the address => Aubade Hall (Toyama City Art and Culture Hall), 9-28 Ushijimacho, Toyama, Toyama Prefecture 930-0858, Japan

Then I wanted to have some dinner and I thought about going to the Izakaya that Kalafina always go to when they are in Toyama. It’s called Soratobu Usagi which pretty much means Flying Bunny XD. You can even check out their signatures at the bar. It’s quite cool. BUT I decided against it since they only have seafood and I don’t really eat seafood. So I slowly headed back to the station and ordered some gyoza (because I always crave gyoza XD) at a random restaurant. I finally got to relax after walking around in the heat (I didn’t really walk that much but it felt like I had run a marathon due to the humidity). While watching the sunset I ate my yummy giant gyoza and then I took the train back to Tokyo.

❗ Some tips ❗ 

Always bring your charging battery AND a USB cable

Conbinis and 100 yen stores have everything in case you are ever in need of a random product

Always reserve your shinkansen seat tickets in advance. It’s best to reserve them at least a day ahead if you are planning to travel during communiting hours or during the weekend.

Prepare an itinerary so you don’t waste your time going back and forth between locations. I started with the lower part of Toyama and visited all the places in that area. Then my plan was to head north where another bunch of places were located. Do your research before you travel and life will become so much easier. You can lose track of all the places you wanna visit if you don’t have an itinerary and then you might end up having regrets because you didn’t get to see everything you wanted to see. I mean, you don’t have to strictly stick to your plan but just see it as a sort of guideline.

When you are taking the shinkansen splurge on an ekiben. Yes, I know they are totally overpriced but really, they are pertty delicious most of the time and it’s just part of the shinkansen experience.

Aug 5 (Sun) ~ Lazy Shopping Day

I didn’t actually do much on that day. After all I wanted it to be a relaxing holiday and not just one exhausting trip after the other. Plus, the heat really took a toll on me so I felt like I needed some downtime. So yeah, I just did some shopping (mostly window shopping) and eating. I walked around Tokyo Station and happened across an IENA store. Guess what I found there? Yup, Hikaru’s blouse, right in front of me. In my previous post I mentioned that I originally wasn’t planning to buy it since it was just way too expensive. But after climbing Mount Fuji and after celebrating my 30th birthday I just felt like I deserved a treat. I realise I have said the same thing about my nail salon appointment but oh well, you only live once. So yup, that’s the story of how I ended up buying the blouse even though I was initially not intending to.

This was me during the entire trip.👇

The rest of the day was spent in all kinds of shopping malls in Shibuya/Shinjuku. I am actually quite proud that I didn’t buy anything else. But on this trip I really wanted to focus on Kalafina so I didn’t feel the need to spend money on random clothes or accessories. But I always enjoy just looking at stuff. We don’t have any of these malls here in Vienna (at least not in those huge dimensions) so it’s a cool experience to check everything out. To wrap up the day, I had some yummy dinner and then I headed back to the hotel to pack for my upcoming trip to Fukuoka.

[seokoloqy]

X-Files / jjk pt. 1

Genre: Grim Reaper!AU

Pairing: Jungkook x Y/N

Warning: minor charactor death

Word Count: 2.5K

Part 1/ Part 2 

Summary: There is a sliver of heaven that is cloaked in darkness, a territory, belonging to those who conquer and destroy the innocent souls entangled in their sticky web of cruelty and deceit. To be free of the monsters would mean a price, a promise, for something in return; the price of another innocent life in place of yours.  The weak, pitiful minds of men can be manipulated to believe that immortality can be achieved through the sacrifice of others. The slaughter of innocent lambs to fuel the fire of their selfish desire brings out the monstrous creatures trapped within every man. Where blood is spilled, death will follow with a vengeance for justice. He will inflict pain on men who foolishly believe they have the power to control life and death.

“We’ve got a case.” Your monotone partner in crime, Detective Min Yoongi, tossed a file down onto your desk and took a long sip of his freshly brewed coffee. “Here’s a copy.” He said, shoving another folder into your purse without permission.

You picked up the thick folder filled with the gruesome photos of a killer’s latest victim. You spread the contents of the folder out on your desk and read the new report aloud.

“According to an eyewitness, a man was spotted in a cemetery standing over a young girl with an axe in hand when out of the blue another man appeared behind him like,” you looked up at Yoongi quizzically, he gestured for you to continue. “...magic. The strange man then proceeded to grab onto the unsuspecting man’s neck and suffocate him to death.”

The story became stranger as you continued to read. Witnesses say the victims are all grabbed by the neck as if they were being strangled, but photos of the victims tell otherwise. They were all decomposed corpses by the time an officer was at the scene within the hour. It was impossible and unexplainable for someone to rot so quickly as if they had been dead for years. The man behind these bizarre deaths was nowhere to be found after the events nor could any of his physical features be described. It was like he did not exist.

You sat in mortified silence as you stole a glance at Yoongi. He seemed to be heavily focused on the corpses in the photo as he took another sip of his coffee. He really believed the whole story, magic and all. Finally, you broke the silence.

“Yoongi, why do you trust eyewitness accounts from complete crack heads? No one appears out of thin air and completely sucks the life out of someone. It’s- It’s science fiction! Why do you always insist on taking cases plucked right out of an X-Files episode? Can’t we do something, I don’t know, real?” It wasn’t the first time your partner dropped a case on your desk that sounded like a wild goose chase. There was a vampire out stealing blood from hospitals, some ghoul terrorizing the nightlife, an extremely hairy man that looked like a werewolf prancing around town, it was a never-ending cycle of supernatural with Yoongi. There was a reason he hadn’t been fired yet, he was extremely good at his job when he wasn’t out hunting cryptids. These were only the cases he took on during his free time.

“I have an idea of what it could be, but not its motives.” He said, ignoring your rant. He pushed aside the police records and the coroner's autopsy reports to pull out a photo torn from a book. It was a skeleton in black robes carrying a scythe.

“The grim reaper.” You scoffed, grabbing your bag and making your way to the elevators. You have had enough of his nonsense for one day and wanted nothing more than to relax at home with a glass of wine.“So, what? He’s coming to take people’s souls?”

You stepped onto the elevators with a sardonic laugh and pressed the ground floor button. Before the doors could close, Yoongi pushed the doors aside with one hand and looked at you from under his dark fringe.

“Laugh all you want, but I’m not joking Y/N.” He scowled and released the elevator doors. He still clutched the photo in his hands. It was a reaper and he was sure of it whether Y/N would believe it or not.

Daylight was approaching and just as the sun rose over the horizon a panic set into the quiet town. The mangled and tortured body of Cornelius Mason Cavitch, otherwise know as Eli to his peers, was found buried in a shallow grave dug up in the town cemetery. The town was already buzzing with the news of Eli’s horrific death by sunrise. His grieving family could not step outside without hearing about the way their son’s body was found rotting in the Earth with his heart missing from his gaping chest. The town was in mass hysteria. Who could do something like this? Was it a stranger who drifted into town undetected? In a small town where everyone knew everyone, crimes like these didn’t just happen to star high school athletes like Eli. The town buzzed with only one question after Eli’s death. Would it happen again? And it did.

The same town, the same crime brought up the idea that Jungkook was dealing with a serial killer. He despised them for what they did. Taking away the innocent lives of men, women, and children too quickly and creating the unnecessary work of cleaning up the mess of bodies they left behind.

As he walked the path towards his destination he heard only the crunch of his footsteps and soft rainfall as he walked on the dead grass of the town cemetery. In the Halfway everything was dead. It was another plane of existence where life did not exist. Only the dead or soon to be dead could be found in the Halfway. As a reaper, Jungkook could exist in the Living and Halfway planes of existence.

As Jungkook strolled down the dead path he spotted the latest victim of the town’s infamous killer. There she was, kneeling in the freshly dug grave with her hands and fingernails covered in soil. She thrust her hands back into the muddy Earth and let out a sob that echoed across the emptiness of the graveyard. No one in the Halfway could save her and no one in the Living would dare to either.

Do not interfere with death. A reaper’s number one rule, but it was impossible for Jungkook to resist the temptation. These heathens deserved to die at the hands of their greatest weapon. Jungkook refused to be a slave to those who inflict pain and suffering onto undeserving souls. He would rip the souls from the bodies of the damned and throw them into the flaming pits of Hell where they would rot for all eternity.  

“Please...don’t.” The girl sobbed to no one he could see. She pleaded with the invisible man and begged for her life. It was just her luck that a disobedient reaper was strolling up the path to greet her. She would see him come up behind the man, a wave of relief would flood over her as she sees her hero, then Jungkook would enter the land of the Living and wrap his hands around the thick neck of her would be killer and suck the life out of him. The girl would scream and the fear she once felt for the man laying, dead, on the cold ground would come back stronger than ever. She would be terrified of Jungkook because he was death and death was feeling rebellious.

“Let us help you with this case! It sounds fun.” Jimin grabbed onto your blazer and pouted with his puppy dog eyes which were easy to fall for. Jimin could get you to buckle under any circumstance with those brown eyes begging for attention. It worked when you were children and it worked now at 21.

“I don’t know how you can help. It’s going to be hard without a real suspect.” You sighed, rubbing your temples and slouching back into the worn out couch. Yoongi wasn’t going to let go of this case anytime soon and you weren’t getting anywhere with it. There were no solid leads and the girl who was rescued from the scene couldn’t form coherent sentences for the officers to get a good enough understanding of what had taken place.

“Oh, come on Y/N that’s quitter talk and you’re no quitter.” Hoseok slapped you on the back and gave you an encouraging smile. You could tell he was trying to uplift your sour mood.

Working with a man who believes in the supernatural was proving to be hard work. You had only been partners with him for several months after his last partner had been murdered while they were tracking a suspect who caught wind of their investigation. Yoongi was reluctant to take on a bright-eyed and ready partner so soon after the incident and would distance himself by sending you on coffee runs often. Until one day you had proven yourself by catching a killer in under a week. You were unsure if proving yourself to Yoongi was any better than bringing him coffee every day and being ignored as he buried himself in casework. Now he trusted you with all his unusual cases and had you working from dusk till dawn chasing after everything that went bump in the night.

Reluctantly, you handed the file over to Jimin and sat back while he scanned the documents and photos. There were a few gasps and gagging at the sight of the rotting bodies. Jimin had snuck a few peeks over your shoulders to look at other crime scene photos before but none of them compared to the ones in his hands. Their bodies were rotten flesh, almost slipping off the bone and paler than paper. Their eyes caved in until they were just dark crevices. Their faces were unrecognizable and skeleton-like with hollowed out cheekbones.  

“What the hell could do something like this?” Jimin questioned as he continued flipping through the photos. On cue, a photo of Yoongi’s grim reaper fell out. Hoseok reached down to grab it, he took one look at the picture and laughed.

“Is this what you’re looking for, Y/N?” Hoseok reached out to pass you the photo but it was snatched from his hands by Jimin. Hoseok gave him a warning look.

“Sorry,” Jimin muttered. “But I think I know how to find your killer.”

After a ridiculous 30 minute Google search of grim reapers, Jimin declared he could take you to what the internet called ‘the Halfway’ through some dark web magic he read off a website.

“You’re insane, Park Jimin! There’s no way in hell some random spell you took off the internet written by twelve-year-olds is going to work.” You groaned. “And since when did you start believing in this nonsense too? I thought you were the one who nicknamed Yoongi the witch hunter.”

Jimin stared at the website intently and did not acknowledge you until your rant was over. He calmly turned towards you with his puppy dog eyes and smiled. “We should at least cover every option Y/N.”

You had no idea how you ended up sitting in a circle surrounded by candles and strange symbols, holding hands with Jimin and Hoseok. You reluctantly agreed to follow along with their plan, no matter how ridiculous, just to cross off the possibility of the killer actually being a grim reaper.

“Close your eyes, Y/N.” Hoseok whispered and concentrated on the foreign chant falling from Jimin’s lips.

Rolling your eyes, you played along and relaxed yourself thinking you’d be there for a while. You focused on the strange words Jimin repeated from the glowing laptop screen. He never stumbled over any words or slowed down to pronounce them. It sounded like he had recited it before, but that was ridiculous. Jimin never took interest in magic or the supernatural. The closest he’s ever gotten was dressing up as a vampire for Halloween when they were children but that was it.

As your thoughts drifted Jimin finished his spell and there was an eerie silence following.

“Jimin? Hoseok?” You called and there was no response. Their hands were gone and left you with a cold loneliness. You opened your eyes to find your same apartment but there were no lights, the candles were unlit, and Jimin and Hoseok nowhere to be found.

“Ha-ha,” you mocked, looking around your apartment for any sign of the two boys. It was quiet in the living room so you tiptoed into the kitchen expecting to find them crouched behind your counter, but they were not there.

“This isn’t funny guys. I’m not going to fall for your dumb prank so easily.” You called into the echoing darkness.

The moon had risen overhead and shone behind you, casting a white glow around the room. There was nothing but silence in response and the eeriness sent a shiver up your spine. Not even the bustling nightlife echoed in your ears. You rushed to the window and looked below where there was no one in sight walking the streets or cars whizzing by. You had forgotten about Jimin and Hoseok when you raced out the door to figure out what had happened to everyone. There was no way that a silly spell Jimin found on the internet could have been real. It was impossible.

“Hello? Anyone there?” You called out to no one. The sound of your shoes crunching the dead leaves under your feet responded to your desperate cries. The usually vibrant trees outside your apartment complex were all bare and stripped of leaves. Street lamps and store lights were lit but not a soul in sight. A blue glow from the cafe sign illuminated your path enough to see the empty streets.

“Where is your reaper?” A voice answered from the dark alleyway. You spun around towards the source of the voice and a man walked out from the shadows. You stood stricken by the scowl on his face. The brown hair pushed away from his face displayed the dark expression he wore.

“R-reaper?” You repeated.

Could this man be as crazy as Yoongi and Jimin? He didn’t look suspicious in a white tee shirt and blue denim jeans.  

The man surged forwards suddenly and he stood in front of you intimidatingly. Close enough for you to feel the heat radiating off his body and the smell of his cologne stung your nostrils. You lifted your hand to shove him away and tried telling him off for invading your personal space. Before your palm could touch the fabric of his shirt, he leapt away as if you would give him the plague.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He hissed, grabbing hold of your wrist.

His hand sent a shock throughout your body and everything was numb. You could feel yourself grow weaker like the life was being drawn out of you. You fell to your knees, unable to support yourself any longer. Air could not reach your lungs. It had you gasping for breath desperately. Soon the world turned into a blur.

As soon as Jungkook realized that you were not dead, he released your arm immediately. How could someone belonging to the Living be in the Halfway? He wanted to reach out and ask you how you ended up in the Halfway but if he touched you again he would risk killing you. His only choice was to call the angel.

Your face hit the pavement and just before your eyes shut, you heard a deep soothing voice whisper, “You’ll be alright, sweetheart.”

[veronicaosoria]

mercy

Genre: Angst

Length: 4.2k words

Pairing: Yoongi/Reader/Jimin

Summary: You knew the relationship was falling apart, you just couldn’t accept it.

“I’m sorry Y/N.” Yoongi whispered.

I looked at him in disbelief. The tears that were threatening to fall soon enough shamelessly came and for a second I thought I felt my heart actually break. Deep down, I wanted everything to be a joke, I wanted this to be some sort of sick prank. But looking at Yoongi’s face, I knew it was far from that.

“Why did you do it?” I asked looking down. He stayed quiet, not daring to look at me, and after what felt like hours he took a deep breath.

“I honestly don’t know Y/N,” he began “I wasn’t thinking at all.” I let out a sob.. Wasn’t thinking? What does he mean he wasn’t thinking? Is he meaning to tell me that I didn’t cross his mind not once?

“I-It was more than just sex with her Y/N, as much as she seems to be bitch to everyone she isn’t bad. I don’t know what to do. I already lost so much by doing this.” He added as he turned to look at me.

My heart shattered. The only thing worse than getting cheated on is, having the person who cheated on you not wanting to fix it. We were invincible. Since I was 15 I vowed to commit to him and overcome any obstacles that life threw at us. Every fight we had was resolved by the end of the day because we never went to sleep mad at each other. But now, years later I never thought anything would change. And to be honest.. I was too naive to think this would last forever. Yoongi always had eyes for me, he always thought about me before he made a decision. Looking into the eyes of the love of your life and not seeing a spark anymore is heartbreaking. To feel like I was not worth fighting for anymore made me feel worthless.

“I love you Y/N, I still want you around.” Yoongi said breaking me out of my thoughts. “Even if we’re not together you will always be mine.” he added. My body went numb, my mind went blank. I looked at him and smiled. “I’ll never leave Yoongi.”

The next couple weeks were gloomy. Even though Yoongi never stopped talking to me, every night always ended with an argument, which resulted in him blocking me and ignoring me until he felt like talking to me again. Meanwhile I was constantly surrounded by a dark cloud that didn’t leave. I barely got out bed. And when I did, I would find any reason to go back to my hole of self pity. I didn’t eat much anymore and only got a couple hours of sleep at night. Constant thoughts attacked my mind telling me I wasn’t good enough to keep him, that he was better off without me, that I needed him. And as crazy as it sounds, I wanted him back more than anything. I wanted to have another chance to show that I can be a better girlfriend to him, better than her. I never asked about her. I didn't want to know anything about her. The one girl who managed to make him do this. And from what I heard she wasn't with Yoongi because she liked him. Anyone can tell she was just using him, but he was too blind to see that. She had him wrapped around her little finger and still slept with any guy she wanted, while Yoongi pretended that he didn't know. And that's what killed me.

It was around 10:30pm when Yoongi called. I mentally cursed at myself for answering so quickly, “Hey,” I said. “Hey babygirl, just wanted to hear your voice.” I could feel my face turn red and softly smiled at his words. “I miss you.” I said. For the next two hours we were on the phone and for once I was happy.

“Are you free tomorrow?” I ask. As much as I wanted to give him space, I wanted to see him.

I hear him heavily sigh and I already knew what was coming. “I’m sorry Y/N, I want to see you as much as you do but-” he mumbled. My heart sank and a feeling of sadness came over me. “Yeah I get it, she means more to you than I ever did.” I replied. “Please don’t start Y/N we were talking just fine.” he said.

I rolled my eyes and scoffed. “News flash, I haven’t been fine since you chose her over me, you only knew her for a week.”

“STOP. Y/N goddammit don’t fucking start again.” He yelled out. I could hear his breathing increase and I knew him well enough to know he was pissed.

“Why are you doing this to me huh Yoongi? Was I that fucking horrible to you that you had to do this to me?” I cried. Again tears rolled down my face and I started sobbing.

“I’m not dealing with this tonight.” He said and hung up.

Fucking asshole. That’s what he’s good at, ignoring me and running away from his problems. I dialed his number again hoping he could pick up but soon realized he blocked my number. I began to panic knowing very well I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight if he was ignoring me.

For the next hour I constantly called hoping he would unblock me but I had no luck. My sobbing increased and I began to feel suffocated in my apartment. I just wanted to run, I wanted to run until I couldn’t feel the pain anymore, I wanted to disappear. I knew I was pathetic doing this to myself. But I couldn’t help it, Min Yoongi destroyed me.

I couldn’t take being inside anymore and left my apartment to clear my head. It was almost midnight and although it wasn’t a good idea to be walking at this hour, I didn’t care. The night air made me shiver and I decided not to go very far considering it was cold. I walked to the gym right by my apartment and sat at the side of the building. I tried dialing Yoongi again, and sure enough he didn’t pick up. I put my phone back in my pocket and buried my face in my hands and cried. Why wasn’t I good enough for him anymore? Why am I still around for him begging him to come back when it’s not what he wants anymore? I was deeply in love with him to even think about moving on, and he knew that.

“A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be out this late crying.” A voice said, that made your head snap up.

My eyes met the face of a stranger, a very attractive stranger.

I quickly wiped my tears away and stood up backing away from him,  “Ahh I’m sorry” I replied flustered.

He chuckled, “Don’t worry, I don’t bite.” I smiled at him. “That’s good to hear, but what could you possibly be doing out here this late?” I asked sarcastically.

He motioned toward the gym “I work here, on my break.”

I looked at him confused. “Isn’t it too late to for a gym to be opened?” I replied. 

“It’s opened 24/7, I work the night shifts.” He said. I nodded at him and sat back down.

“Now if you don’t mind me asking, why were you crying?” He asked.

I bit my lip and tried to come up with some random excuse. “Umm it’s just tha-” I started to say.

“Boyfriend troubles?” He blurted.   

I chuckled, “Something like that.”

“Mind telling me about it?” He asked.

I looked away sighing. “Honestly.. I'm not ready to talk about it just yet, but long story short he cheated on me.. and somehow I can't let him go.”

“By the looks of you crying it seems like he doesn't want the same.” He said.

“It's.. complicated.” I answered, “He chose her but he still wants me around.”

He looked at me, “I know I barely met you but you shouldn't give him the satisfaction of still being there for him. You're worth more than that.”

Tears began forming and I nodded. We both sat in silence for what felt like forever until he stood and offered his hand to help me up.

“I hate to leave you alone but I have to get back to work.” He sadly said.

“Right, sorry.” I mumbled and began to make my way home.

“Before you go, I didn't get your name” He said

“Oh right, it's Y/N.” I answered.

He smiled at me, “Y/N, the name suits you.”

I laughed, “Thanks?”

“I'm Jimin by the way”

It was around three days later when Yoongi texted you.

“I miss you Y/N, I'm sorry about everything.”

I stared at the text for the longest time and debated on replying or not. And about an hour later I gave in and replied. This was a cycle, he always apologized after ignoring me for days, knowing I would be waiting. Dammit why was I so weak when it came to him? It was like he had me under a spell and I couldn’t do anything about it.

“Can I come over right now?” another text read.

I answered a quick yes and made my way to the shower so I can look like I wasn’t miserable the past few weeks. About 30 minutes later he was at the door.

“Hey babygirl.” He said smiling.

I felt my cheeks getting hot “Hey Yoongi.” I said while leading him inside.

He took off his jacket and shoes and made himself comfortable.

I laughed to myself thinking back to memories when Yoongi would come over right after work tired and fall asleep on my bed. Or back to the first summer of us dating when he would be at my house and we would watch stupid reality TV shows, eating pizza, and enjoying each other’s company. Back when I was his everything, back when we were invincible. The older we got, the more I thought things were getting better. We were becoming more mature and we both knew what we wanted. A future together. I never expected months later for that to suddenly change.

I snapped back to reality when Yoongi cleared his throat. “Listen, I’m really sorry about-”

I stopped him, “No don’t worry about it, it was my fault.” I said quietly.

His face softened “No I shouldn’t have ignored you.”

“It’s fine..really.” I answered.

He forced a smile, “H-how have you been?” He asked.

“It doesn’t matter honestly-”

“It does matter Y/N, even if you don't believe it, I care so much.” He stated.

I started biting my nails, it was a really bad habit of mine. But whenever I get nervous I don't know what else to do.

“You're nervous.” He said.

I looked up embarrassed “I-I’m sorry.”

He cupped my face in hands and looked me in the eyes, “It's me Y/N, your Yoongi don't be nervous around me.”

He crashed his lips into mine and before I could process what was happening, I realized I was kissing him back. He deepened the kiss and before I knew it I was reaching to take his shirt off.

He stopped me. “Do you want this as bad as I do?”

I nodded and continued kissing him and led him to my bedroom.

I woke up hours later to the sound of Yoongi’s phone ringing. I groaned and nudged him to wake up to answer the phone. To my surprise however, he declined it. I shot him a confused look, “Shouldn't you answer her?”

He shook his head, “I just want to enjoy our time together right now.” I smiled and he wrapped me in his arms. As much as I hate the situation we're in, being with him is the only thing that can make me happy.

“I want to try and end things with her.”

My head snapped up at his sudden words, “Do you really?” I asked.

“I don't know what I'm doing Y/N, I want to make things right for us so bad.”

“Yoongi, you know what to do to fix this.” I said softly.

He stayed quiet for a long time. I didn't care though, just the simple words he said made me see that maybe just maybe.. it was worth waiting around for him. The sleepless nights, endless crying, everything could finally stop.

“I'm going to see her soon and I promise that I will fight for us.”

“Forever and always right?” I said.

“Forever and always.”

The next couple of days were a breeze. I managed to catch up on sleep which I've been so badly. I went out with friends after canceling so many times when I was down. Yoongi and I were talking just like before. I was happy. I knew it was going to take some time for us to get back together and I was happy to wait as long as he fought for us. Although I was waiting for the message informing me that he finally left her, I didn’t want to seem like I was pressuring him.

I was laying on my couch catching up on shows I’ve missed while eating ice cream, when I got a text from Namjoon asking to hang out. I smiled at myself and instantly replied telling him yes. My heart dropped suddenly remembering how much I have been shutting him out ever since this happened. Namjoon worked in the music industry and was extremely busy but he always made time for his best friend. We grew up together and he was always the one person I went to when I needed someone. Namjoon always acted like an older brother to me, a very overprotective brother I must add. When I first started dating Yoongi you can bet he didn’t approve, but as time passed he eventually accepted him. I instantly felt a wave of guilt realizing I hadn’t even told him about what happened between Yoongi and I. He knew me well enough to know that there’s something wrong just by the look on my face. I debated with myself on calling him and telling him that something came up, but I knew that would only make it worse- I never canceled on Namjoon, no matter how busy I was. Even though I wanted to avoid talking about it, I knew I had to tell my best friend. I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard my phone buzz besides me.

“Let’s go to dinner then? Usual place :)” the text read. I laughed to myself knowing that no matter how more successful he got, he still loved our tradition of going out for a greasy slice of pizza and a beer. I sent a quick reply and dashed to the shower to start getting ready. “Goodness Y/N what are you going to tell Namjoon?” I thought to myself. I knew I couldn’t keep this from him, he would only blame himself saying he wasn’t there enough. I quickly put together an outfit and applied makeup to look a bit more alive. Thirty minutes later, I was finally ready and out the door to my car. Well...it’s now or never.

I got to our favorite pizza place and ordered food for the both of us. Namjoon was always late, even if it was something really important. Ever since we were kids he had a habit of showing up late. I didn’t mind though and took our food to an empty table. I occupied myself with my phone and it wasn’t until 15 minutes later that he finally got here. “Y/N I’m so glad to see you!” Namjoon happily says. My face lights up and I immediately give him the biggest hug. “I haven’t seen you in so long!” I say as we both sit down, “I know I’m so sorry I’ve been so busy.” He replies with a slight frown on his face. I shot him a look, “Don’t worry, I understand just don’t forget about your best friend.”

“Never will” He says while taking a bite of his food.  I smiled and started eating, “So how's work been?” “Tiring, busy, you name it.. I don't care much since I'm doing something I love.” He happily replied.

“I'm proud of you and I'm so glad to hear that.” I say while taking a sip of my soda.

For the next hour we talked about memories when we were younger and catching up with each other. I completely forgot about what has been going on with me since I was so happy being with my best friend. That is, until the dreaded question came.

“So how are things going with Yoongi?” He curiously asked. My face instantly dropped and I frowned. “F-Fine, we are doing fine.” I quietly answered.

Namjoon raised his eyebrow at me and scanned my face long and hard, “You’re not telling me the truth.” He stated. I didn’t answer him and instead looked down and started biting my nails.

“You’re nervous Y/N what’s wrong?” At this point I felt the tears forming in my eyes and I felt like I was going to barf all the food I had just ate. I didn’t want to tell him, but at the same time I did. My heart was racing and my head felt like it was going to explode.

“Y/N what the hell happened?” He asked again. I sighed, “I just… we broke up but we’re trying to work things out.”

“Why did you guys break up?” He quickly asked.

“I don’t know.” I lied. I gulped hoping he would believe me but I knew there was no way he would. If I told him what Yoongi did, Namjoon would not let me anywhere close to him.

“Don’t lie to me Y/N.” I could tell he was losing patience.

“Namjoon-” I began.

“Tell.ME.”

“He cheated on me.” I murmured avoiding to meet his gaze.

Silence. For a while there was just silence. I refused to look up and say anything else. I was embarrassed, scared, I felt pathetic.

My head shot up when I heard Namjoon chuckle. I looked at him confused not knowing what to say, I met his eyes and boy was he pissed.

“You’re telling me that you’re willing to make things work with him again?” He rhetorically asked.

“I know you’re upset and I don’t blame you for it, but I’m willing to stay until he leaves her.” I mumbled.

His eyes widened and his face turned red, “LEAVES HER? You mean he left you for some girl? And you’re still around?” He started yelling.

Tears started falling down my face “Please don’t be upset.” I choked out.

He snorted, “Upset? Nope. I’m furious. It’s taking everything I have not to leave right now and kill that bastard.”

“Namjoon-”

“No Y/N, I am not going to let you sit there and stick around until he decides to fucking value you. You deserve to find happiness and all he is doing is causing you pain.” I didn’t say anything and instead stayed quiet. He stood up and led me out the restaurant. “Let’s get you home.”

I nodded and followed him out, the cold air hit me as soon as we got out the door and I immediately regretted not bringing a sweater with me. I looked down on my phone and I saw missed calls from Yoongi. I bit my lip in confusion considering he never calls me. I decided I’d get back to him once I got home.

We made it to my car and I looked up at my best friend. Disappointment was written all over his face and I took a deep breath.

“Can we please talk tomorrow Y/N? I need to make sure you’re okay.”

“Of course. I’m sorry for ruining our night.”

He gave me a sympathetic look, “Stop, I haven’t been around much and I’m sorry for that. I promise I’ll be there more regardless of my job. I need to protect my best friend.”

I smiled at him, “Love you Joonie, get home safe?”

“Text me once you’re home alright?” He added while opening my car door.

“I will,” I said while giving him the biggest hug.

As soon as I stepped into my apartment I dialed Yoongi before doing anything else. To my surprise he didn't answer and I frowned. I quickly sent him a text and got ready for bed. As I was just about to close my eyes, my phone rang. Groaning, I reached over and picked up without even checking who it was.

“Hello?” I groggily say.

“Y/N are you up?” The other person said and I instantly knew the voice.

“I was just about to fall asleep Yoongi, but what's up?” I replied.

He sighed, “Can we talk?”

I frowned at the sound of his voice, “uh sure.”

“I'll be at your place in 10 minutes.” And with that, he hung up.

Before I knew it there was knocking on the door and I immediately got up to open the door.

Yoongi looked tired, saddened, and just… different. He awkwardly walked in with his head down and I knew something was wrong. My stomach dropped, “What's wrong Yoongi?” I whispered and reached out to hold his hand. He flinched and pulled back without looking up at me.

He let out a deep breath, “I'm sorry Y/N.”

And that's when my world came crashing down again.

The sound of rain against my window helped distract me from my endless thoughts of pure emptiness. I continued to play with the food that I didn't even bother to eat and sat in silence.

It had been weeks that I had a decent meal, much less smiled. I debated many times calling Namjoon, but I always fought against that thinking he was too busy. He checked in a couple times over text but I was good at feeding him lies on how I was okay. Although he was my best friend, I just didn't want to burden him again.

The day Yoongi came, I knew he changed his mind about coming back to me. He still texted though, and I knew that I was hurting myself way more by still sticking around. Soon enough text messages came almost once a week and I could  tell he was distancing himself. What made things worse was that he flaunted his new relationship on social media, and that hurt more than anything. Yoongi was never one to brag about someone, unless the person meant a lot to him.

I was laying on my bed after coming home from a night with my friends and I was happy considering I haven't felt this alive for about three months. I tried my best to shut the thought of him out of my head and I did what I thought was best… move on. I constantly told myself that nothing will bring me back to how I was when I was so low and needed to be strong. I was getting ready for bed and I checked my phone one last time before I decided to sleep.

And that was a big mistake. My heart dropped as I paused on a post Yoongi had uploaded of them together. I felt my throat close and tears well up in my eyes, fuck. Why the hell does this shit affect me so much? Before I knew it I was sobbing and all the feelings I was trying to avoid came rushing back. Without thinking I threw some shoes on and ran out my front door not caring how loud I slammed it. I was halfway down the street when I realized I forgot my phone and I sighed. I quickly figured I didn't need it and continued walking. I eventually made it to the spot next to the gym I always came too and sat down breathing in the cool air. My mind began to wander and my thoughts were interrupted by a cough next to me. I shot my head up and met Jimin’s face. “Haven't seen you in awhile.” He says. “Almost thought you got back with him.” He added. I looked away not responding, it's almost pathetic how bad I wish that was what happened.

I heard him awkwardly sit next to me and from the corner of my eye I can see he was thinking on what to say next.  

“Please don't feel sorry for me” I mumble while trying to blink the tears forming in my eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

“Honestly? No. I don't. I want everything to be okay with us, I want things to be how they were back then. I want him to be happy with just me.” I admitted. “Do you know how stupid I feel? How pitiful I look?”

“You're not stupid for wanting that, you have every right to feel all these emotions. But Y/N please don't let him have so much control over you. He's not worth it.” He grabbed my face and made me look at him, “Please Y/N.” He pulled me in for a hug and just as I was about to answer him a deep voice beat me to it.

“What the hell is going on?”

I panicked quickly getting up and moving away from Jimin. “Yoongi?” I practically yelled.

Shit.

author’s note: ahhh i really hope you guys liked it! I am not confident in my writing yet but i’m getting there! i wrote this after my relationship fell apart, and although I’m still getting over it, writing makes me feel so much better. 

[illjustblamemypasttrauma]

History of Ben’s trauma Act 1 (shame and guilt) part 1 (the reveal).

It was another day at church. I was 15? (I remember I used to drive myself to the therapist I was recommended after a while) Anyway I was at church in the old garland building. One of the counselors in the bishopric (brother brewington?) was doing my temple worthiness interview (dun dun duh, those drasted things everyone is up and arms against since they aren’t regulated and its one on one awkwardness). Anyway he took me to an empty room, asked me the worthiness questions. I remember I had been feeling anxious all day. I knew my friend McKenna was going through a “repentance process” and that fact gave me the strength to admit my guilt to someone. I was answering his questions. Full tithe payer, I didn’t drink tea/coffee, etc. He asks me about the law of chastity... I say I want to talk to the bishop about it. He was lowkey a super nice guy and was like sure let me ask him. So I end up waiting to talk with him outside his office. Sitting there, in plain view of everyone else in the vicinity which was actually a lot since the bishops office is where a lot of other important things are. So I’m sitting there and I’m pretty sure I get asked by people I knew why I was waiting, which like... why the fuck you think I’m waiting? I’m supposed to talk to the bishop. So I’m waiting for like 30 mins to an hour? I don’t remember. But he eventually finishes and he like brings me in. He’s like “Brother Brewksdlkfa (whatever) said you wanted to talk to me. and I sat down and was like... I actually can’t remember what I said, but I essentially was like I’m masturbating to porn. and he’s like “oh wow okay.” and then I end up being like “gay porn” and I remember him saying this distinctly “oh I’ve never dealt with something like this before” Like thanks? thanks for making me feel even more different and shameful?? Anyways, he ends up talking to me for like a minute and he’s like. Can we tell your parents? I definitely didn’t want to as I was already ashamed and felt guilty about this shit but I wasn’t going to say no to the bishop and his recommendation. So it takes like 5-10 mins and he brings in my parents (yikes they probs got called out while in the adult class haha) and they bring them in. I’m not making eye contact, just focusing on some like paper weight on the bishop’s desk while the shitty ac roars in the background. My parents sit. I focus on the desk. The bishops does some lame introduction thing for a second then gets right down to it. Something along the lines of “You’re son told me he is masturbating to gay porn.” I remember just shutting down. I start to cry, my mom starts to cry. I keep apologizing because I have a fucked up sense of guilt when the only person in that situation I should be apologizing to is myself and god/jesus. ANYWAYS my mom is crying and apologizing to me “I’m so sorry Ben, I didn’t know you were going through this, you shouldn’t have to go through this alone.” My dad just sits there. Silent. Doesn’t even look at me. I felt like I was such a shame to him he couldn’t even look at me. The bishop rambles on about what to do next, what process to go through to “help” me. He ends up pretty much just saying that he doesn’t know shit about working with people with “same-sex attraction” and that he’ll reach out to others for help finding sources for us. We end up leaving his office, my mom and I both obviously been crying while we walk to the car since we were in there for so long that church is already over. My mom tries to comfort me on the way to the car/home. I shut down further and just mope to myself.

Throughout this whole experience my thoughts went from “I don’t want to bring my parents shame, to I need help, to what will others say about me, to I’m despicable my dad can’t even acknowledge me. It was a whirlwind of fear, shame, guilt, and just sadness.

Looking back I see how hard it was for me. I was so strong for even asking for “help” I’m strong for living my life in an environment that told me I was a sinner for who I was. That I was wrong for liking men. I see now that the men that I valued and trusted so much in my early life didn’t have the resources or give me the support (mainly emotional support) I needed. This experience lead me to become closer to my mom as I struggled with my “demons” and she watched and tried to help me in the best ways she thought she could. This experience was also the beginning of the end of my relationship with my dad. The man who I know now was also struggling with his “demons” and who still struggles with them. The man who couldn’t look at me because he knew that the “sins” he was committing had been passed on to the next generation, although slightly different. the man who would have the highest amount of empathy for me but didn’t even acknowledge my “problem” the same man that would end up burning the two ropes that connected us over a thrashing river. I also know that I was set up to fail. A system that I was born into a system where I was forced into a box that I could never fit into.

Now I feel sad. I feel sad that I felt so hopeless, so alone while struggling with my identity. Sad that I didn’t have anyone unbiased there for me. That I didn’t have any friends, family, or leaders that I could talk to about my problems without fear of guilt, shame, or judgement. I was so alone. The church was all I had and that lead me to hate myself, be disgusted with myself, be ashamed of myself.

I still feel the residual guilt. I wanted to say I felt proud for what I did. For getting the “help” I thought I needed. I do feel that a little bit. However, I mainly just feel sad. Sad about my parents, sad about the shame/guilt I felt, sad that now I’m this shell of a gay man, still struggling to be happy because I was born into a situation I didn’t choose. A life I didn’t want. Now I’m just angry. I’m angry that this church who prides itself on providing support and peace to its members caused a boy full of empathy and love to feel overwhelming guilt and shame to the point where he just didn’t want to feel anymore. If I didn’t successfully block my emotions I most likely would have been suicidal (I ended up breaking down at this point, sobbing from this realization).

I’m strong. I’m so strong for being such an emotional person. I’m strong for finding the only way to keep myself going. Strong for being able to keep going even when shit got too hard to handle, when I didn’t want to keep going.

[grokkingchair]

Pain

It’s with no small measure of embarrassment and humility that I sit down to write about what happened 10 days ago on July 24, 2017. Humility, because there is nothing more human than dealing with a broken down machine (i.e. body). 

Context: I’m working at a startup (day job), going to school part time and working part time on clients as a part of my fledgling bodywork career. This past semester (which ended last Fri), I took only 3 classes--all bodywork: two Tui Na classes and one Thai Massage. All on the same day, Friday. I was in school from 9am-9:30pm, more or less on 11 Fridays in a row. I knew that it was going to physically challenge me. I tried to keep up with my own self care, but I wasn’t doing yoga consistently and I started running (that’s an overstatement--jogging, at best) a couple miles a day a few days a week, moving slowly, carefully back into it.  

In early July I tweaked my back after a particularly challenging Friday in school (where I also had jogged in the morning before school). My glute med, glute min, and piriformis were spasming like a concrete wave. I rolled them with my alpha ball, took ibuprofen and Myocalm and kept things at bay.

In my Thai practical final on the 14th, I was worried about the size of my partner and naturally I ended up working with the largest guy in the room. Still, my back actually felt better after class, after receiving the work. But it still wasn’t quite right. I continued to self treat. And jog, and stretch.

On Sunday July 23rd I woke up with intense hip pain--tensor fascia lata, glute min, glute med and piriformis. But after take a few steps it went away. Naturally, I carried on with my day--jogged with Paco, went grocery shopping, worked on two clients. On my later client, I realized the table was too low and experienced some strain in my low back as I worked on her. Nothing new or different there.

In the evening, my back was getting more uncomfortable, so I took some ibuprofen and Myocalm and went to bed.

On Monday July 24, I was awoken at 5am by extreme pain in my right hip. I tried to walk but it was electrically excruciating--like no pain I’d ever felt before.Trying to put any weight on my legs ended with me reduced to my knees, with primal groaning sounds coming forth, autonomously, which then turned into guttural sobbing.  

(Note 1: I had been sleeping on my left side--I think both nights, Sat and Sun, thinking that sleeping on the right side would make it worse. Not sure about that now. Also, I sleep on an Ikea Latex mattress that’s about 3 years old. a couple months ago I took off the memory foam topper since it had been showing wear and was making me hot.I felt like the Latex mattress had had time to soften so it would be ok. I typically sleep on my back or side.)

(Note 2: In the course of this past week I have learned that People In Your Life think pain is pain is pain and really, you should suck it up and get on with things, you drama queen. So let me put this in perspective: I’ve run marathons with high hamstring tendinitis. I’ve run a Ragnar Relay with Achilles tendinitis.  When I had all four of my wisdom teeth removed, I experienced some nagging and sometimes electrical type pain which didn’t seem to be relieved by aspirin; went back to the dentist a week into it and was told I had dry socket. Even just a few weeks ago when we were guashaing each other in class, the triceps work was quite intense, but I let my partner continue. The next day, my triceps were a lovely watercolor of purple, blue, and black. So to be clear: dry socket--no biggie. Pain last week? Euthanizing looked like a reasonable plan if it didn’t resolve.)

Turns out, I’m really cranky (ok, mean) when I’m in severe pain. There’s only one thought in mind: 

Stop pain. Get away from pain. Find a way to have no pain. Figure out this pain. 

And with nerve pain gone awry, it’s very challenging. because even when you find those one or two positions where the pain isn’t occupying every cubic millimeter of your sensory cognition, the muscles are rippling and spasming, called fasciculating. And the nerve pain continues to radiate like you’re plugged into an electrical socket. Maybe this is what tasing feels like? 

One of my chiropractors asked me what medications Urgent Care prescribed. I told him: naproxen, methocarbamol and vicodin. To which he said: “Yeah, none of those are going to work for you.” Which I had already learned by experience. “The only thing that works for nerve pain is morphine or heroin.” So then, no relief in sight. Super. 

My meditation practice has been sparse of late, and even with 14 years of practice--most of it being in some form of physical pain, mild or otherwise (because sitting meditation hurts, people, especially when you have tight running hips)--my ability to practice with this particular pain? Ha! Yeah right!  When your electrical system is wreaking havoc on 30%  of your body, going into the pain, breathing into the pain, focusing on the breath.....fuck that. I want off this crazy ride. The pain was like, “Listen, bitch. This is all about me right now. Don’t even think you’re going to do anything else right now other than ride this out with me in charge.”

I thought about the Venerable’s urgings: Practice now! Don’t wait! Because when you need it, you won’t be able to cultivate the practice if you don’t already have it. I’m here to say:  um, yep. 

And I’ve been thinking a lot about how it’s the struggle and pain in our lives (emotional or physical) that enriches us--no mud, no lotus. I get it. I really do. This week, when the pain is more like a 5 than a 10, I’m able to be more clear-eyed about it and appreciate how much I’m learning, and how much I’ll hopefully be able to offer others by navigating (and hopefully resolving) this situation. That gives me some little flicker of joy. 

(Note 3: This experience is also highlighting how incredibly poor I am at quantifying and describing pain. For all the Vipassana meditation I’ve done, I really suck at quantifying and qualifying pain. I got: 0 - which is never, 1-9 which is every day life, from sprained ankles to broken bones to dry socket, and then 10 - which is the Fuck No level.  My theory is that I habitually deal with it so I’m not good at the nuance of it. Bodily Dissociation: 1, Lisa: 0)

In retrospect, part of my struggle with this pain--above and beyond the, ya know, excruciating factor--was the inexplicability of it. It didn’t make sense. What was the specific injury? My leg felt like it was somewhat dislocated--wires/tendons feel out of whack deep in my hip socket. But the doctors all go to “spine injury”. Sure, there was some back strain, but the pain was starting at my SI joint and radiating all around to the front of my thigh,and shooting down the leg. Since I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t fix it. 

And given the excellent medical care we have in this country (even with a “Platinum” HMO policy), I have to wait another 10 days to get an MRI (originally, it was going to be 3.5 weeks, but I negotiated down to 2.5 weeks). Never mind that I couldn’t actually walk--at all- when I made the appointment. 

I suppose on the up side, this is a great opportunity to practice with Don’t Know mind. My mind, when confronted with A Mysteriously Busted Thing, is all, “What the hell happened?” and won’t rest until it figures it out (and ideally, fixes it). Can I dwell with, “don’t know what it is”? Especially when my right lower leg remains numb and unable to reliably hold weight?

Yeah, no.  I can’t just wait it out for the MRI. I’m going to continue to see therapists, and try to get some relief. Grasping Mind: 1, Lisa: 0. 

This is rough and rambling, but I’m going to post it anyway. Pain medications: 1, Lisa: 0.