#and a little bit with gem but that's just mutual bullying

[applepixls]

i saw the book title and was waiting for joel to get mad but this is actually a pretty sweet wholesome (albeit a bit backhanded but when is etho not jdgofgmk) gift

[married-2-the-music]

K-pop Discography Deep Dives: (G)I-DLE

I was planning, when I first started Tumblr, to be a lurker, but then I began an office job and needed something to listen to to keep myself occupied. And then, I started going through entire K-pop groups’ repertoires, album by album, and jotting down my thoughts. And then, I stumbled into K-pop tumblr and decided, you know what, there’s at least four people on this hell site who would read in depth rants about these discographies and at least five who wouldn’t read it and then get mad because it’s kind of our job as K-pop fans. My lukewarm takes should be taken with an entire silo of salt and the knowledge that this is completely for fun and occupying my very bored, very neurodivergent brain. With that being said, enjoy!

So, I decided to start with (G)I-DLE because one of my mutuals (@thestrangeworld) suggested it due to their decently small discography. Let me lay out my credentials: I’ve been a casual fan since around 2020 and a Neverland since a little after “I Burn” came out. I even used HWAA as the inspiration for an art piece I had due. So none of my criticism I say is an attack on them; I’m being harsher than usual because this is a review after all.

(G)I-DLE is unique for a K-pop girl group, both by being mainly self-produced and by not having a consistent genre. Over the years they’ve dipped their toes into tropical Moombahton (DUMDi DUMDi), trap (Oh My God), traditional Chinese balladry (HWAA), tango (Señorita), and hip-hop (Uh-Oh), just to name a few. They’ve sung in Korean, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, and English, with member Minnie even doing some covers of their songs in her native Thai. The members themselves represent four countries and usually do translations themselves, which means that their different versions are often true to the original. The members are Soyeon, Minnie, Miyeon, Yuqi, and Shuhua, with Soojin, their sixth, having been kicked out after false accusations of bullying in 2021.

I started from the beginning, with HANN, “I Am” (Latata), and “I Made” (Señorita), which I classified as kind of like the same era. Just starting out, not completely self-produced yet, and while the songs are good, they don’t quite have a (G)I-DLE feel to them. Like, I feel like besides HANN, other groups could have recorded those songs and while it wouldn’t have been the same, it wouldn’t have felt “wrong” to me, which definitely isn’t the case with their later work at all.

(Time for a confession: I never got the hype around Latata. Maybe it’s that it was overplayed or overhyped but it just never clicked with me the way songs like Lion, Oh My God, or HWAA did.) Something else I noticed from these eras is that the title tracks far outshine the rest of the albums, which aren’t bad or anything, but again, don’t have that much of an identity to them. From “I Am”, I liked Hear Me, and especially Miyeon’s high part. From “I Made”, Put It Straight is a definite stand-out, and the Nightmare Version stage elevates it even more.

This gets us to the next stage in (G)I-DLE’s discography: the post-Queendom era. This starts the mostly darker turn in their music, with “I Trust” (Oh My God & Lion), “I Burn” (HWAA), and Last Dance, barring DUMDi DUMDi and Uh-Oh, which are both welcome breaks, but I confess I think that they and Last Dance get a bit overshadowed by the rest of the songs from this part. As in, I’m not going to search for them but I’m also not going to start a tantrum when they come up on shuffle.

“I Trust” has probably the best title tracks (the double header of Lion and Oh My God is a killer), but the rest of the album is a little forgettable. It’s the only one where I don’t have a hidden gem. Many of these earlier albums tracks and also later title tracks have some really great parts (the outro in Queencard or the pre-chorus in Luv U, for example), but the rest of the song doesn’t live up to them. Lion, however, defies this completely, and is one of the best songs in their entire discography: it’s fierce, unapologetic, and loud, and also damn catchy. It’s rare that K-pop girl groups get to be justifiably angry and this song pulls it off so well! Hats off.

All of that is completely untrue for the next part. “I Burn” is where, in my opinion, everything truly takes off; it’s evocative, consistent, beautiful, and on top of that, tells an empowering and relatable story of getting over a toxic relationship. The album’s six songs are inspired by Chinese and Korean ballads, based on member Yuqi’s own Chinese ancestry. The title track, HWAA, uses the imagery of ice, flowers, and fire, to great and dramatic effect. HANN: Alone In Winter and Where Is Love are total standouts too.

This is (G)I-DLE at their best, and it’s no coincidence that around then is when members Yuqi and Minnie started writing, composing, and scoring songs too, rounding out the albums with cohesive but still different enough songs. Did I write this entire review just for an excuse to rhapsodize about “I Burn”? Possibly.

Anyway, now we reach the third and final (for now) part of the review: after their hiatus and Soojin, and as they became truly internationally recognized, enough to have their songs in the Rolling Stone 100 Top K-pop Song list that came out earlier this year. “I Never Die” (Tomboy), “I Love” (Nxde), and “I Feel” (Queencard & Allergy).

Okay, let’s level with ourselves here: Tomboy is not a good song. Is it catchy? Yes. Is it entertaining? Yes. Is it imprinted on my brain so much that I know every word and sing along whenever I hear it? Absolutely. But it’s not a good song, guys, I’m sorry. (If I’m dead tomorrow, we know who to blame). Look, I do like it, but it doesn’t make sense. I get the point and I appreciate the impact it had on the industry but the writing is…not it. I think that if Soyeon had written the rap in Korean and someone else had read over the other English in the song, it wouldn’t be that bad, but as it stands, it’s a bit hard to take seriously.

This same issue repeats in Nxde and Queencard, where the underlying ideas and themes are really good, and I genuinely do respect what they were trying to do, and if the songs had gone through just a bit more workshopping, I think they would have achieved what they set out to do. Allergy is a perfect example. It’s catchy, it makes a great point, and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. All in all, it’s something that I hope (G)I-DLE does again.

I also really like all three of the accompanying EPs/LPs, especially “I Feel.” I think that, as (G)I-DLE gained more creative control and began writing every song themselves, the b-sides got much stronger in meaning and the EPs began to feel more cohesive in sound and message. As the titles have gotten flashier, their b-sides have been able to become pared down and vulnerable in a really lovely way. For a group with a name that translates to child (“aideul”), they have a lot to say about growing up, in songs like Escape, Polaroid, Change, and especially Peter Pan, the last of which may be my favorite b-side and truly gets to the heart of who they are as a group.

They’re in the middle of preparing for an English debut right now, and the title track “I Do” came out last month. Again, since it was written by someone else, it isn’t very them, but it is a really good song (with a great music video!)

As I’ve gone through this, I’ve also noticed the development of their voices, and how they became so easily distinguishable from each other, forming a really nice harmony. Soyeon’s is harsh and sharp, and her raps are cutting in a great way. Minnie’s has a touch of electro and leans into ethereal sometimes. Yuqi’s deep soulfulness is reminiscent of Adele (who she’s actually covered!). And Shuhua’s sometimes soft, sometimes powerful mezzo floats in the middle, rounding them out.

All in all, this discography deep dive has really made me enjoy (G)I-DLE’s work, and I’ve begun to appreciate a lot of b-sides I never gave the time of day before. Overall, I’m very glad I did this! Obviously, no one has to agree with this, but my Top 5 would be Lion, HWAA, Peter Pan, HANN: Alone In Winter, and Put It Straight.

From me, (G)I-DLE gets an 8.5: pretty solid, with a couple dips, and definitely some highlights. See you next time, for a boy group’s discography!

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Fully Completely 5

Warnings: non-consent sex and rape (series), violence, mutual irritation, harassment, blood, cutting, general hatred

This is dark!Loki x reader and explicit. 18+ only.  Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Series Synopsis: There’s a new face in Birch and he’s come to haunt your door.

Sister series to Smalltown Bringdown, When the Weight Comes Down, and Little Bones

Note: Today, we have more Loki then tomorrow more Zemo and some Sam on Saturday. I might add in some Andy Barber after that but keep plucking away at this and Candy Coated. Anyway, I’ll see you in the comments and the asks.

Thanks to everyone for their patience and feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

Chapter 5: Hang me long out in the sun

💀💀💀

You sat against the wall, flinching every time you leaned too heavily on the radiator and burned your arm. You were certain Loki cranked the heat before he left as it was stolid and stifling in the large room. Sweat dripped down your body and mingled with the drying blood along your chest. You were uncomfortable but you didn’t want to get comfortable in this place.

You pulled on your wrist until your hand throbbed and the cuffs showed no sign of wear and the radiator didn’t budge. You stretched across the floor until you could reach the edge of the bookshelf and kicked until some books fell, hoping for some hidden pin or tool to pick the lock. There were only musty old books and dust.

You stood, tried to at least, bent over as you stretched your legs. You did awkward squats and extended your arms to your toes, one at least. You rolled your head on your neck so it cracked noisily and settled back against the wall. You were tired, exhausted, but too worked up to sleep.

It hit you all at once as the stench of smoke clung to your shirt and skin. Your shop was gone, your home, everything you worked for. It was another sick joke played on you by the town of Birch. 

Bucky was just another bully. He was like that boy in ninth grade who asked you to meet him at the park for a ‘date’ only to stand you up. You remembered the Monday after when he planted a stink bomb in your locker. The men around there were all the same. Everywhere if you were to judge by Loki.

You closed your eyes and thought of your dad. You thought he would’ve been proud to see everything you’d done; a shop of your own, a life where you didn’t have to worry. He said to you, through his dying lungs, that he knew you would be alright, that you could take care of yourself and Jerome. What about your brother then? Shouldn’t he take care of you too?

For the first time in a very long time, you wanted to cry. You kept your eyes shut to keep the tears locked in and slowly your mind eased. You sunk down as the warmth of the radiator embraced you, unbothered by the unyielding heat against your arm. You could hear yourself snore as you succumbed to your fatigue.

You were woken by the clatter of the door below. The old Victorian house echoed every noise and shuddered at every gale without. You lifted your head with a snort and sidled away from the radiator. Your arm was tender from the constant blaze of the radiator and you winced as you touched it. Fuck, it was burned.

You braced yourself as you listened to the slow ascent. You heard him behind the door and watched the knob turn. You sprawled out and slid a book closer with your foot. You got up and grabbed it quickly and stood in a hunch. You flung it at Loki as he entered but he quickly blocked the hardcover tome with the door.

He carefully peeked around the wood and stepped back in with a sigh. He shook his head as he crossed his arms and nodded as Korg appeared behind him. The bigger man placed the collection of shopping bags on the table and left with a dismissive sniff from his boss. The door closed and you were left to simmer alone with Loki.

“Such a warm welcome,” he strode to the table and tapped his fingertips on the wood, “and after I went to all the trouble of replacing your wardrobe. A pity all those wonderful pieces you had were lost.”

“I don’t want any of it,” you sneered, “leave me here, I don’t care.”

“Darling, while I find your resilience admirable it is also rather irksome,” he said, “and you will find that in the end, it will only make all this so much more difficult. You needn’t suffer anymore.”

“‘You needn’t suffer anymore,’” you mimicked him, “just listening to you talk is suffering.”

He turned his face down and clenched his jaw. He turned and reached into a bag. He pulled out a swath of black fabric that unfolded to an elegant dress with subtle black gems along the neckline like stars. You pushed your head back and stared at the ceiling.

“I can understand, a woman like you, men aren’t lining up to give you nice things,” he said, “I wouldn’t exactly call this giving, more… trading.”

“Oh, shut up,” you grumbled as you closed your eyes again, “you know, you woke me up so why don’t you keep it down?”

“I did have to guess at the sizes,” he ignored you brusquely, “but I’ve always had a keen eye.”

“You can shove your dresses and whatever else you wasted your money on up your--”

“Darling,” he interrupted, “I will not warn you again. That lip does provoke me.”

You jutted your jaw out and exhaled. You bent your legs and crossed your arms over your knees. You were too tired to argue with him. Hell, it only seemed to make you feel more helpless as you could not act on your anger. You hated that feeling. It remind you of that stupid teenage girl again; so gullible and weak.

“You cannot remain as you are,” he continued, “and I will not have a slobbish hick on my arm--”

“Jesus Christ, is your dick so small you can’t find another woman?” you hissed.

He was silent. You opened your eyes and hit your head on the wall as you were startled by how quick he moved. He pressed his knee to your chest and pinned you to the wall as he reached into his pocket and plucked out the silver key. He bent and unhooked the cuff from your wrist.

He caught your hand as you clawed at him and coughed as he pushed his knee harder against the cut between your tits. He tore you away from the wall suddenly and thrust you up to your feet. He twisted your arm behind you as he spun you and kicked your feet across the floor. You struggled with him but each time he bent your arm further up your back.

He pushed you onto the bed and straddled you as he angled you along the mattress. You flailed with your legs as he kept you trapped beneath his weight and released your arm. You reached out as he shifted above you and quickly snatched up your hands. He wrapped his long fingers around your wrists and snugly wound his tie in their place before he let go.

He backed off of you so that you laid across your stomach, your hands bound above your head to the bedpost. You rolled over as he marched away and returned just as quickly. He unfolded the razor with the mother-of-pearl handle and you dug your heels into the bed as you tried to free yourself from the silken tie.

He grabbed your leg and held it down. You brought your other knee up and he blocked it with his shoulder, “if you continue on like this, I might catch the artery.”

He held your leg down and pressed the edge of the blade to your thigh. You froze as he sliced into your skin and you grunted through your teeth. He traced a line down your leg and mirrored it on the other. He retreated and looked you over as you glanced down between your legs, the red lines dripping onto the blanket.

“What the fuck?” you yanked on the tie, “you’re fucking insane.”

“You haven’t any idea,” he held up the razor and admired the crimson along the silver, “but if you insist on this little dance, I should be inclined to go deeper.” He closed the razor and winked, “darling, you are looking rather rough,” he remarked, “but scars will not deter me.”

He spun and strode again to the bathroom. He returned and wiped his hands on a white towel and tossed it over the back of the chair. He sat and continued to sort through the bags.

“You think I’m afraid of you, you prick?” you snarled, “you think you’re going to win? When I get free, I’m going to take that blade and cut your dick--”

He stood and his hand formed a fist. He was atop you in a moment but before he could bring his hand to your throat, you bit down on the webbing between his thumb and index finger. He exclaimed and retracted his hand for just a second before he smacked you across the face. Your head snapped to the side and you held in a groan.

This time his hand stretched over your neck and he leaned over you. His hot breath whispered along your cheek and you shivered in disgust. 

“Oh, darling, this will be fun indeed,” he purred, “but I have no doubt that you will be prancing around in pretty little skirts for me before long,” he squeezed until you croaked, “you can even keep them on as I fuck you.”

“Go… to… hell,” you rasped.

He snickered and sat back on his heels with you straddled beneath him, “haven’t you realised? We’re already there.”

💀

You laid there for hours after Loki left you. Even though the mattress was preferable to the floor, you didn’t sleep. You stared at the ancient ceiling and cursed every inch of that place. 

Your thighs ached and that cut along your chest. Your arm was sore and raw each time it rubbed against your sleeve or the bed. You were more enraged than ever and you could hardly contain it and frustration had you kicking the mattress.

The windows were dark when he returned. He turned on the lamp beside you as the aroma of food tickled your stomach. You were desperately hungry but didn’t realise it until that moment. You salivated and gulped it down as he pulled up a chair and cradled the box in his lap.

“I’ve brought you dinner,” he said as he opened the cardboard container, “but… you have to use your manners, darling.”

“Get fucked,” you rolled onto your side so your back was to him.

“I can hear your stomach so let’s not pretend I believe you for a moment,” he taunted, “you will realise soon how weak you truly are.”

You didn’t say anything, nor did you move. You sneered at the wall as your arms strained above your head. He let out a long breath and then hummed in delight, “mmm, you know, this is not bad,” he commented, “your little diner has been the least disappointing aspect of this shithole.”

You gulped hungrily but refused to look back. He tapped his foot on the floor impatiently and sighed again.

“You would do yourself a favour if you did one for me,” he said, “say, if you accepted this generosity I might allow you another, perhaps a shower. Those cuts cannot remain unwashed.”

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before you cut me,” you spat, “I don’t want anything from you and I definitely don’t want you. I’ll go live in the rubble, I don’t give a fuck.”

“You will,” he said as he stood and dragged the chair away, “but only you will pay for your stubbornness.”

💀

After another tussle, Loki relocated you once more to the radiator. He slept blissfully as you spent another restless night both sweating and shivering. When he woke, he offered you a bowl of instant oatmeal and you flipped it over. He tutted and went on with his day, leaving you again to stew in your wrath.

By the end of the day, your body rebelled with hunger and you accepted the bowl of soup he brought from The Chipped Saucer. You drank it from the paper cup but felt more rotten as it burned in your chest. He smirked as he watched you and you tossed the empty cup at him.

He scowled and you spent another night in cuffs. On the fourth day, he let you shower but kept you cuffed to the curtain bar for the ordeal. All modesty was gone as you were allowed only a plain white robe after and sat in the same spot, metal at your wrist, and wood at your back.

But you didn’t stop. You bit, you kicked, you hit, you swore, you screamed. A week passed and you wouldn’t accept it. You could see you were wearing on him and comforted yourself with the irritation in his sharp green eyes. You laughed at him outright and it stoked him further. He truly thought you’d never dealt with assholes before. You lived among them your whole life.

But that day when he came in, he was quiet though not sullen or angry. He was almost boasting as he still wore his new leather boots and dark parka. He tramped around and pulled out a mauve coloured dress, some satin and impractical undergarments, and a pair of heeled boots. He placed them calmly beside you but kept out of your reach.

He stepped back and shoved his hands in his pockets and grinned. You shook your head at him and scoffed. He waited as you simply yawned into your palm.

“Don’t you want to go see your brother?” he asked.

“He can rot with the rest of you,” you hissed.

“So heartless,” he slithered, “but I shall relay the message to him, as hard as it may be.”

“What the fuck are you on about?” you huffed.

“Well, darling, I don’t know if he should hear me or even if he could, that it would put him in a worse condition,” he mused.

“Worse condition?” you grimaced.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you, my apologies,” he preened, “why yes, it seems he did have an unfortunate incident. Some suspect it was an attempt on his own life but you know how gossip is in a town so small--”

“What--” you bit down on your lip, “is he… is he okay?”

“Why, he is rotting just as you wished, yes?” he asked coyly.

“Don’t be fucking stupid. Tell me he’s okay!” you tried to stand but were kept in a crouch by the cuffs.

“If you get dressed and behave, then you can see for yourself,” he said evenly, “or I will alone and hope that he survives his injuries… I wouldn’t expect the healthcare around here to be very adequate--”

“You fucking touch him--”

“What? You are wasting time, darling, and visiting hours will be over soon,” he warned.

You clenched your jaw and squinted at him. You swallowed your derision and blinked.

“Fine,” you said quietly, “I’ll… behave. Just take me to see him.”

“Good girl,” he came closer and knelt to grab your wrist, “but let me be clear, one misstep and you will never see him again. I should hate for him to die alone.”

“Just fucking undo me,” you snarled and his lips curved in triumph.

[sepublic]

The Third Temple!

           SASHA you’re so DUMB, dang it! WHY would you?! WHY?!

           Sasha, you really ARE brute force, in spite of your seemingly more subtle, nuanced, and manipulative strategies on the surface… Superficially you think things through, you have plans and rely on Honey over Vinegar… But fundamentally, I think it’s clear that Sasha is someone who gets by through brute force, in the sense that she blindly throws her power around, instead of genuinely conceding to diplomacy and whatnot. And, this plays into her Persistence, and never giving up, as we see against those two bullies in the flashback…

           Also, lemme just say- The dehydrated bit for the Amphibians was hilarious and also a clever way to isolate the conflict to just the humans, and THEN just Anne and Sasha- Because alas, Marcy’s weak nerd arms…!

           Seriously though, seeing how Grime lowkey lays the pressure, I like how it displays that they’re both… Toxic and enabling to one another, even if supportive, and it’s not like just ONE is in charge or whatever. Sasha having to choose between Anne and Marcy, and Grime, is interesting; To her, Grime is someone who stuck with her through thick and thin, at her lowest point… He’s someone who’s not afraid of her power, but even actively encourages her, supports Sasha’s ruthlessness! In some ways, it seems he’s more supportive and understands Sasha better than her old friends…

           And, I have to think that Sasha wasn’t totally lying back there. That a part of her DID in fact feel remorse, or at least understand that she messed up… But it also means that she’s burnt that bridge permanently on her own end, or she’s trying to- Because she thinks that it’s too late, she’s just going to mess things up AGAIN anyway, because Anne and Marcy can’t handle the kind of person she is. So, Sasha is sticking with Grime… But again, Sasha has to wonder if Anne and Marcy have a point, and that’s something Grime doesn’t realize…. But then again, why WOULD he bring up Sasha’s flaws, in the midst of his own rebellion, which IS important to him!

           I think Sasha and Grime being a lot alike could make her realize what kind of impact she has on others, by realizing how she feels about Grime; And how Grime might realize the same vice-versa. In Grime’s case, he very much NEEDS to be ruthless in order to survive, in order to carry out his Toad Rebellion… And, he’s not completely wrong for it, either!

           For all we know, Sasha apologizing, and manipulating Anne and Marcy, isn’t totally mutually exclusive; Maybe she DID take Percy and Braddock a little bit to heart, in the sense that… She does care, but she also realizes that Andrias is pretty sus, and that they NEED to do something about him. To Sasha, she really is looking out for them by getting rid of Andrias… But how much of her is motivated by genuine suspicion of him, or just her own ulterior motives of getting back power and control?

           This could lead to a confrontation where Sasha NEEDS to be listened and heard out, because a part of her IS right about Andrias… But because of her own lies and treachery, Anne rightfully doesn’t trust her- And it’s complicated because in some ways, Sasha IS operating more from being selfish than doing the right thing, even if it’s ultimately siding with Sasha that is the right choice here. This could spur on Anne to side with Marcy and Andrias, perhaps help the Newt King in whatever he has planned… Or, it could lead to Anne realizing the Newts aren’t trustworthy as well, breaking those bridges!

           With what we see in the intro with Marcy, for all we know we’re being expected to think of Sasha as the betrayal, but it’s MARCY who screws things over! She did mention about how she wanted to bring the Calamity Box to Andrias first, so I imagine this has something to do with her deal… Perhaps Andrias will use the power in the Box, safely contained instead of in the girls, to help bring his master to power? Now I’m imagining a Breath of the Wild scenario, where ‘The Night’ rises to power like Calamity Ganon, engulfing Newtopia- This is of course more tragic because we got to KNOW Newtopia and its people…

           But even worse- Its power spreads out and it uses the Calamity Box power to revive the ancient machines of Amphibia, possibly even corrupting Frobo in particular- Just like Ganon with the Guardians! If Season 3 is Toad-themed, this could lead to Sasha and her rebellion teaming up with Anne and the others to regroup and defeat the Night… And as for Marcy, perhaps she’ll play the role of Princess Zelda; She’ll realize her mistakes, and pull some sort of sacrifice to keep the Night contained temporarily… Or even worse, Andrias will manipulate her into staying with them!

           Perhaps Marcy knows the truth about the gems draining power, that they’re needed to travel home; So Andrias proposed to have the power safely drained by the temples, and handed over to him, so that the girls could stay in Amphibia together, forever, never losing that fantasy of theirs… Who knows?

           I will say that it’s telling that Marcy, of course with the excuse of no Toad Tower incident, is immediately quick to fall into line with Sasha, and how this could play into her character being more generally gullible, possibly willfully so, because her default is to follow whoever’s in charge blindly… Ironic, then; Marcy is smart but not wise, Sasha is powerful but too weak to do the right thing and show vulnerability, and Anne is brave, but often held back by insecurities and doubt! These girls are their own antithesis!

           And Sasha… She needs to have the self-belief in herself, the way Anne and Marcy do- To actually do the right thing, to grow as a person. To not resign herself to who she is now, and even worse, because she believes in her own ability to improve and be better than that… Sasha needs to not let down Anne and Marcy’s trust, to make good on why it was given in the first place! Pay back their good faith in her, be the hero and leader they believe her to be!

           …Anyhow, I like Frobo’s brief involvement here- I’m glad to see he got to do more, and the gags with the dehydration, how I THOUGHT Grime’s arms seemed a bit skinnier than usual, were great! I like to see more of Frobo becoming more integrated into the family and cast, and I’d like to see how he, Sasha, and Grime would interact; Him being a powerful automaton might create some interest, perhaps in weaponizing and reactivating the Ruins of Despair… And of course, it’d complicate things for them to pull a full betrayal, considering Frobo’s power- Perhaps he’ll help against people like Yunnan, maybe even do a heroic sacrifice to help the others escape Newtopia, only to be destroyed or corrupted?

           I love how painfully direct the Third Temple was, how it’s really just about brute, raw strength- But making good on that strength to keep going, too! The gravity bit and Sasha removing her armor was classic anime characters with absurd weights, and I suspect that giant Toad golem is actually none other than the previous Toad we saw with Andrias… And, possibly Barrel himself! The golem conceding defeat with good sportsmanship probably gives us a good idea of what Barrel was like- Probably a much more boisterous, heart-on-your-sleeve individual…. Arguably way less toxic and manipulative than Sasha, perhaps the most traditional hero of the trio!

           Funny, then, that the trio first had the Wit be toxic… And now Strength… AND Wit, perhaps? We’ll see… Either way, I now suspect that Barrel talks the same way as the messages in the Third Temple!

           We’re in the final stretch, you guys… Nothing but pure plot and development, Sasha and Grime and the others, attempted reconciliation. If we saw Anne and the family try to say goodbye at Newtopia, this is going to take on a WHOLE new level, because Anne is going to think she’s really about to leave, for REAL this time; And this means teary farewells with all of Wartwood, and likely a montage and episode even MORE painful than our mid-point for this show! My heart isn’t ready… In addition to probably cute antics among the human girls, underscored by the darkness of what we KNOW is to come, no less!

           Until next time, F-Anne’s… We’re about to enter the calm, BEFORE the Storm!

[twitchesandstitches]

Miscella Vs the Fleet: old wounds

Spinel was something of an outsider to the Fleet, and walking through the rubble that had been a street market only a few hours ago, she felt that she was missing out on a lot of context.

Robots, humanoids, chimeric mash-ups and the periodic holographic manifestation of digitally encoded mind-states sat against the wall, nursing their wounds, wincing as medic-clerics carefully extracted acids specifically designed to counter the most common methods of regeneration against the Fleet. People who had chitinous bodies or alterations had watched their armor melt and then screamed as the acid had bitten at flesh and blone; those with powers centered around manipulating energy had been hit by anti-magic devices that disrupted the delicate flow, causing their bodies to break apart and explode on the spot, surviving only through sheer bloody-mindedness.

Gems weren’t immune. Spinel vaguely recalled agonizing pain before she poofed, and whatever it did had set the delicate balance of mutagenic forces plaguing her into overdrive; even now, the corruption raced through her, her projection slowly warping and turning acidic, spiritual pain sliding inward. And her Gem, mounted between breasts so large they made up a massive chunk of her entire mass, was a mass of jagged mineral, her rosey-red tinting into a dark and horrible shade of purple...

She heard it. The call of, of the thing from beyond the stars. The slow whisper, sliding into the back of her mind, drowned out just barely by the voices of other people.

But there were warm hands, kneading into her projections weak points where she got too rubbery to even move, pumping enough magic to stabilize it. It was a magic like fire, warm and, and kindly.

“Can you move?” Said a deep, rumbling voice that almost all solid baritone.

Spinel nodded, painfully standing up. She looked up into a tall and imposingly massive figure that could have been an ogre, or perhaps a goat, depending on how you looked at it. Perhaps even a nicer variety of demon.

The massive and exceptionally masculine figure sighed in relief; muscles individually larger than Spinel herself shifted beneath shaggy white fur, and a long face crowned by huge horns smiled softly. “That’s good. Please move carefully; I’m not sure how your magic might have been compromised.”

Asgore, she’d heard him called. The King of the Monsters, and a whole lot of other titles that made it sound like he’d seen a lot of extremely nasty things, and it was strangely appealing that he’d taken a bit of a shine to her.

Spinel frowned at the soldiers being led away; they weren’t local. None of them looked particularly modified on a biological or cybernetic level, though their fancy uniforms (very sleek, with a bit of an angular vibe to them) were definitely performance-enhancing exoskeletons. Power armor, she supposed, though not as clanky and ritualistically maintained as the sort you saw in her new group. The soldiers were a mixed group, of all manner of species, but whether it was a primate’s face or an avian turian’s mandibles or a glowy energy monster, they all had the same shut-down look of someone who was just doing a job and considered your presence to be beneath them; small time bullies who used what power they had to humiliate anyone they felt like.

They all had the same logo on them, which looked a bit like an infinity symbol surrounded by a spiral branching off into arrows pointing in multiple directions. “Who ARE those guys?”

“Miscella Incorporated soldiers, I believe,” said Asgore. “They have many private armies, of mercenaries and other such ruffians, but I suspect these are one of the in-house special forces they employ for touchy situations.”

Spinel blinked slowly. It had been a long day, not helped by a war rapidly escalating from a minor argument all at once. As best as she could tell, there HAD been a ship arrivng earlier, apparently to discus some trading rights.

And then there’d been yelling. And some of the Fleet members got way more intense about it than she’s ever seen, and they’d thrown punches after someone called them ‘disgusting mutants’, and then things really got out of hand.

At one point, a two-mile long ship had crashed right onto a city.

“So what the hell happened!?” she asked. “It was just a business thing; why’d they make it personal?”

Asgore sighed, looking very tired. “You should know... I’ve been with this group for a long time. Ever since we were nomads, roaming from world to world and fleeing our many enemies.”

Spinel glanced at him. Now did not seem the time for a history lesson. “Sure. You weren’t really the Fleet yet, right? You and your monsters joined up early on, then I guess Gems started finding you, and lots of other people... but it wasn’t like the way it was today. Things were a lot more fractious, you were always in danger, and the guys who’d form the Cobalt Stinger pirate empire were still with you.”

“Yes. Back then, we hadn’t run into those brutish sorts of the Imperial Commonwealth either. Our main enemy was... well. Miscella Incorporated.”

“...Why?”

“We passed near their worlds, and they took offense to us. You see, we didn’t use any of their currencies, we weren’t interested in buying any of their stuff save supplies or interesting gear, and most of all, we didn’t want to settle down in their lands and submit to their restrictive policies.” Asgore frowned. “Mega corporations, like Miscella, institutes some very harsh restrictions for their people. Depending on how the local branch implements it, they can often be little better than legal slavery. People are legally the property of whatever sub-corporation that has them employed, and they cannot move to other planets, change careers, or gain additional income without approval. Sometimes, they are even forced to have surgery and monitoring devices installed so they cannot think thoughts that Miscella would disapprove of.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Yes, that’s what we thought. We told them no. We said, on many ocassions, that our pride wasn’t worth whatever profit they offered. So things got much worse from there; Miscella is a bit of a control freak, as a whole, and since we would not comply, they tried to force us into either compliance, or to wipe us out and indoctrinate us.” He shook his head. “I honestly don’t know if this kind of policy is company-wide, or if we were simply unfortunate enough to be in the crosshairs of a particular branch that hated people who were from social margins... but they killed us, hounded us, chased us across hundreds of worlds. We fought back, and killed lots of them. At times, we were a roaming horde, destroying their towns and claiming the ruins as loot, just to survive. Revenge, and so on. And it wasn’t the Stingers alone that did such a thing, I can tell you.

“So blood for blood, and then both sides wanted revenge for the revenge we’d already taken, and so on. And so forth. It went on for a long time.” He sighed. “And so, now, there is a lot of bad blood.”

“Ain’t you guys ever tried to make peace, or at least force a cease fire?” Spinel asked. “We’re one of the biggest, baddest societies around; a single one of our heroines could clobber a whole army of theirs, I’m thinking.”

“True enough, but force alone is not a terribly attractive notion to all the clans, and given the scale of Miscella’s holdings, such total war would require absolute agreement among all the clans... and you know we argue far too much for that!” Asgore laughed, and then grew serious again. “But, miss Spinel, it’s not just revenge. Even if we didn’t have generations telling us, with bloody stories, not to trust them or give them an inch, our philosophies are wholly incompatible. You know, I think, that we in the Fleet believe that life, absolutely all forms of sapient existence, has the right to be free and become whatever it chooses, and to help all others prosper and live in contentment?”

Spinel nodded. “Yeah. I suppose that’s a reason I’m still here.”

“Indeed. Well, Miscella, I’m sorry to say, largely regards all people as resources. Sometimes... literally. Sometimes simply as markets to tap, or employees to use. But inevitably, they see people as tools and assets, fit only to serve their interests. Almost like a divine right of kings, but based on their own existing wealth and power; they consider themselves to be the rightful rulers of all existence, and all us must fall into line with how they think the world ought to be. They treat deviance from their cosmic agenda - which is an actual thing they have, some sort of flow chart of ultimate heirarchy and organization - as a personal affront. And we are nothing but deviants, you know!”

Spinel laughed. “I know!”

“So, our ideals and views are... too different. We see people and want them to be free. They see resources, and want to bring them to heel. Even if not for our mutual resentment, that would breed other problems. But ultimately, they are our oldest enemies.” He sighed. “And sooner or later, there will be war.”

“...We’d win that one. Right.”

Asgore looked troubled. “That’s the problem, though. I’m sure we’d win. The question is, how can we decisively win a war against such a powerful group, with our honor intact?”

[malexfan10]

I absolutely love Tyler Blackburn

New article today

He is such a gem ❤

So genuine. Deserves all the love and support!

You can tell how much Alex means to him.

Please don't destroy this amazing character or this wonderful ship Carina!

It's a long read but well worth it

https://www.playboy.com/read/down-to-earth

❤

Down to Earth With Tyler Blackburn

The star of the CW's 'Roswell' reboot isn't a poster child of anything but his own path

Written by Ryan Gajewski

Photography by Graham Dunn

Published onJune 11, 2019

I’ve never met Tyler Blackburn before—except that I have. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I’ve met versions of Tyler Blackburn. I’ve spent time with the actor on multiple occasions while covering his TV series Pretty Little Liars, the soapy teen-centered murder mystery that regularly generated more than a million tweets throughout its seven-season run. Just two weeks ago I reconnected with him in a lush meadow of flowering mustard outside Angeles National Forest, the site of his PLAYBOY photo shoot. But the Tyler Blackburn I’m meeting today at his home in the Atwater Village neighborhood of Los Angeles is in many ways an entirely different man.

When he greets me at the front door, Blackburn is relaxed, barefoot and still wearing what appears to be bed head. His disposition is unmistakably freer—lighter—than it’s been during our previous encounters. Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by this. Six days earlier the 32-year-old actor came out publicly as bisexual in an online interview with The Advocate. The announcement is clearly at the forefront of his mind as we sit down at his dining room table.

Almost immediately he starts to gush about the positive, and at times overwhelming, feedback he has received over the past few days. Within minutes he’s in tears. He tries to lighten the mood with a self-effacing quip, but now I’m in tears too. Then he tells me he can’t remember my question.

I haven’t even asked one yet, I reply.

“It just makes me feel, Wow, the world’s a little bit safer than I thought it was,” Blackburn says.

The most affecting response he’s received thus far has been from his father, whom Blackburn didn’t meet until he was five years old. Although he avoids offering any more details about that early chapter, he says, “Feeling like I’m a little bit different always made me wonder if he likes me, approves of me, loves me. He called, and it was just every single thing you would want to hear from your dad: ‘That was a bold move. I’m so proud of you.’ It was wild.” 

Blackburn can’t pinpoint the exact moment he knew he was bisexual but says he was curious from the age of 16. It wasn’t until two years ago, though, that he decided to approach his publicity team about coming out publicly. At that point, Pretty Little Liarshad wrapped, and the actor was without a job. So Blackburn and his team agreed they needed to hold off on making an announcement until his career was stable again. The lack of resolution weighed on him.

“A year ago I was in a very bad place,” he says, adding that he has struggled with depression and anxiety. “I didn’t know what my career was going to be or where it was going. My personal life—my relationship with myself—was in a really bad place.”

His casting on the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico, adapted from the same Melinda Metz book series as the WB’s 1999 cult favorite Roswell, seems to have come at the right time. Blackburn portrays Alex, a gay Army veteran whose relationship with Michael, a bisexual alien, has attracted legions of “Malex” devotees since the show’s January debut. Roswell, New Mexico has already been renewed for a second season—a feat for any series in this era of streaming, let alone one involving gay exophilia.

Playing a character whose queerness has been so widely embraced by fans no doubt nudged Blackburn closer to revealing his truth for the first time since becoming an actor 15 years ago. (As he told The Advocate, “I’m so tired of caring so much. I just want to…feel okay with experiencing love and experiencing self-love.”) Still, he was somewhat reluctant. His hesitation was rooted in the fact that he wouldn’t be able to control what came next: the social pressures that often come with being one of the first—in his case, one of the first openly bisexual male actors to lead a prime-time television series.

“If you stand for this thing, and you say it publicly, there’s suddenly the expectation of ‘Now your job is this,’ ” he says. “Even if someone’s like, ‘Now you’re going to go be the spokesperson’—well, no. If I don’t want to, I don’t want to. And that doesn’t mean I’m a half-assed queer.”

Full disclosure: I previously wrote for a Pretty Little Liars fan site. In 2012 I published a listicle that ranked the show’s hottest male characters. Blackburn cracks up when I tell him this and wants to know whether he bested Ian Harding, his former co-star. After I inform him that his character (hacker with a heart of gold Caleb Rivers) finished second behind Harding’s (Ezra Fitz, a student-dating teacher) I promise to organize a recount. The always-modest Blackburn concedes that Harding is the rightful winner. (If anyone ever compiles a BuzzFeed article titled “Most Embarrassing Moments for Former Bloggers,” I’ll be offended if I’m not in the mix.)

Blackburn makes it clear that he has not always been comfortable with his status as a teen heartthrob. Knowing he was queer made it “hard to embrace it and enjoy it.” Growing up, he was bullied for being perceived as effeminate and was frequently subjected to slurs and homophobic jokes. He describes himself as a late bloomer who took longer than usual to shed his baby fat. He didn’t have many friends, nor did he date much in high school. 

A lifelong fan of musical theater and the performing arts, Blackburn signed with a Hollywood management company at the age of 17. His team at the time warned him that projecting femininity would hinder his success. An especially painful moment came after he’d auditioned for a role as a soldier and the producers wrote back that Blackburn had seemed “a little gay.” 

“Those two managers were so twisted in their advice to me,” Blackburn says. “They just said, ‘We don’t care if you are, but no one can know. You can’t walk into these rooms and seem gay. It’s not gonna work.’ I remember the shame, because I’ve been dealing with the feeling that I’m not a normal boy for my entire life.”

After landing a recurring role on Days of Our Lives in 2010, Blackburn scored his big break when he appeared midway through the first season of Pretty Little Liars. “I was in Tyler’s first scene, so I got to be one of the first to work with him,” Shay Mitchell, who starred opposite Blackburn, tells PLAYBOY. “Right away, I knew he was special. Since the day I met him, Tyler always struck me as very authentic and very true to himself.” 

Fans instantly adored his on-screen love affair with Hanna Marin, played by Ashley Benson. The pair became known as “Haleb,” and Blackburn went on to win three Teen Choice Awards—surfboard trophies that solidify one’s status as a teen idol—in categories including Choice TV: Chemistry.

According to Blackburn, during the show’s seven years on the air, he and Benson bonded over their mutual distaste for the tabloid stardom that comes with headlining a TV phenomenon lapped up by teens. Today he fondly reflects on their on-camera chemistry. “It felt good,” he says. “It felt real.”

Of course, rumors swirled that the pair’s romance was actually quite real. “We never officially dated,” he tells me. “In navigating our relationship—as co-workers but also as friends—sometimes the lines blurred a little. We had periods when we felt more for each other, but ultimately we’re good buds. For the most part, those rumors made us laugh. But then sometimes we’d be like, ‘Did someone see us hugging the other night?’ She was a huge part of a huge change in my life, so I’ll always hold her dear.” 

Blackburn also shares a unique connection with Mitchell outside their friendship. Similar to what Blackburn is now experiencing with Roswell, Mitchell was embraced by the LGBTQ community for playing a lesbian character, Emily Fields, whose same-sex romances on Pretty Little Liars were among the first on ABC Family (the former name of the Freeform network).

Over the years, Blackburn had come out to select members of the Pretty Little Liars cast and crew, including creator I. Marlene King. But as the show approached its swan song, he started to recognize how hiding a part of himself was negatively affecting his life. He entered his first serious relationship with a man while filming the show’s final season. Not knowing how to tell co-workers—or whether to, say, invite his boyfriend to an afterparty—caused him to “go into a little bit of a shell” on the set.

“My boyfriend was hanging out with me at a Pretty Little Liars convention, and some of the fans were like, ‘Are you Tyler’s brother?’ ” Blackburn says. “He was very patient, but then afterward he was like, ‘That kind of hurt me.’ It was a big part of why we didn’t work out, just because he was at a different place than I was. Unfortunately, we don’t really talk anymore, but if he reads this, I hope he knows that he helped me so much in so many ways.” At that, Blackburn tearfully excuses himself and takes a private moment to regain his composure. 

“I never remember a time when I didn’t enjoy being with him,” says Harding, Blackburn’s former co-star. He says he saw the actor “start to become the person he is now when we worked together” but believes Blackburn needed to first come to terms with the idea that he could become “the face” of bisexuality. “Tyler’s discovering a way to bring real meaning with his presence in the world,” Harding says, “as an actor and as a whole human.”

Once the teenage Blackburn realized he was attracted to guys, he began “experimenting” with men while taking care not to become too emotionally attached. “I just didn’t feel I had the inner strength or the certainty that it was okay,” he says. It wasn’t until a decade later, at the age of 26, that he began to “actively embrace my bisexuality and start dating men, or at least open myself up to the idea.” He says he’s been in love with two women and had great relationships with both, but he “just knew that wasn’t the whole story.”

He was able to enjoy being single in his 20s in part because he wasn’t confident enough in his identity to commit to any one person in a relationship. “I had to really be patient with myself—and more so with men,” he says. “Certain things are much easier with women, just anatomically, and there’s a freedom in that.” He came out of that period with an appreciation for romance and intimacy. Sex without an emotional component, he discovered, didn’t have much appeal.

“As I got older, I realized good sex is when you really have something between the two of you,” says Blackburn, who’s now dating an “amazing” guy. “It’s not just a body. The more I’ve realized that, the more able I am to be settled in my sexuality. I’m freer in my sexuality now. I’m very sexual; it’s a beautiful aspect of life.”

Blackburn has, however, felt resistance from the LGBTQ community, particularly when bisexual women have questioned his orientation. “Once I decided to date men, I was like, Please just let me be gay and be okay with that, because it would be a lot fucking easier. At times, bisexuality feels like a big gray zone,” he says. (For example, Blackburn knows his sexuality may complicate how he becomes a father.) “I’ve had to check myself and say, I know how I felt when I was in love with women and when I slept with women. That was true and real. Don’t discredit that, because you’re feeding into what other people think about bisexuality.”

He clearly isn't the first rising star who's had to deal with outside opinions of how to handle his Hollywood coming-out. I spoke to Brianna Hildebrand just before the release of 2018's smash hit Deadpool 2, and she explained that she had previously met with publicists who had offered to keep her sexuality under wraps, even though the actress herself had never suggested this. Meanwhile, ahead of the launch of last fall's Fantastic Beasts sequel, Ezra Miller told methat he's "been in audition situations where sexuality was totally being leveraged."

Fortunately for Blackburn, his recent experiences with colleagues have largely been supportive ones. He came out to Roswell, New Mexico showrunner Carina Adly Mackenzie when he first arrived in N.M. to shoot the pilot but after he had earned the role of Alex, which for him was the ideal sequence. "I think he takes the responsibility of being queer in the public eye very seriously, and waiting to come out was just about waiting until he was ready to share a private matter—not about being dishonest to his fans," Mackenzie tells PLAYBOY. "I have always known how important Alex is to Tyler, and I know that Tyler trusts me to do right by him, ultimately, and that’s really special."

Blackburn finds it funny that he’s known for young-skewing TV shows; the question is, What might define him next? He’s grateful for his career, but he grew up wanting to make edgy dramas like the young Leonardo DiCaprio. He also cites an admiration for Miller, the queer actor who plays the Flash. “I most definitely want to be a fucking superhero one day,” Blackburn says a bit wistfully. 

His path to cape wearing does look more tenable. The day before his Advocateinterview was posted, he booked a lead role in a fact-based disaster-survival film opposite Josh Duhamel. Blackburn jokes that his movie career was previously nonexistent, though his résumé features such thoughtful indie fare as 2017’s vignette-driven Hello Again. There, he plays a love interest to T.R. Knight, who tells PLAYBOY that Blackburn “embraces the challenge to stretch and not choose the easy path.” 

For now, Blackburn’s path appears to be just where he needs it to be. “I may never want to be a spokesperson in a huge way, but honestly, being truthful and authentic sets a great example,” he says. “To continue on a path of fulfillment and happiness is going to make people feel like they too can have that and it doesn’t need to be some spectacle.” As it turns out, he may already be a superhero.

[mischeruuu-blog]

2 Chinese LightNovels with Strong Female Leads

WARNING This post may contain a whole lots of grammatical errors, typos and etc. that your eyes can't really bear to see so I put this first to save your poor eyes and soul from a gruesome death. Our beloved professor is an exemption since she needs to read this for my dear grades. BOW

I really loveeeed reading! I've read tons of manga, both light and web novels alike and realized my thirst of having a strong and smart female lead that won't go "kyaaa kyaaa!" and "Eh?! Eh?!" and start acting so cutesy to the male lead like they can't live if they can't act dumb for once. I tend to find this trend in Japanese manga and web/lightnovels but there are fewer exemptions for this, but nevertheless ,I found way more of those irritating "marysue" female leads and it really makes my poor heart to seek something new, something fresh, something makes me "Ooohhh refreshing!".

Alas! I've found these so called Chinese Lightnovels and at first a bit curious, I've chosen some random title and start reading it in hopes to find something interesting.

Did I found it?

Well, obviously yes! And I'm going to share this 2 Chinese lightnovels that makes me hooked right on the bat with their strong and smart female leads !

Genius Doctor: Black Belly Miss

Sypnosis: "She was a peerless genius in the 24th Century – all she needed was a silver needle and she could practically bring anyone back from the dead.

After an explosion, she crossed over into a strange world; everyone calls her “Miss.” The previous “Miss” before had no contractual spirit, was weak and incompetent, and even the fiancé comes over with a new love and bullies her?

Now that she has taken over, who dares to act so presumptuously around her? With needles in hand, the world is for her to own! Wherever she goes, miracles follow! However, she saved a pest. What was she thinking when she saved that man. His stunning demeanor and impeccable face is a huge contrast to his cruel actions. He tries all ways to win her over."

Here's the link

My very first CN novel I was hooked in and I'm glad this was the one I had accidentally picked out of the blue because if I haven't, I won't find myself reading all those CN novels till lights off! This is a good novel with a well written plot.The characters are well fleshed especially the female lead.

The Rebirth of the Malicious Empress of Military Lineage

Sypnosis: Shen Miao, the Di daughter of a military lineage, pure, amiable, quiet and yielding, foolishly in love with Prince Ding, threw herself into the role of a wife.

After assisting her husband for six years, she finally became the mother of the world (Empress).

She accompanied him to fight for the country, flourished the country’s territory, took risks to become a hostage in another country. When she returned five years later, there was no place for her in the Inner Palace.

The beauty in his arms smiled brightly, “Older sister, the country is stabilized, so you should retire.”

Her daughter met with a violent death and her son the Crown Prince was deposed. Her Shen family who sacrificed themselves for the country and the Emperor, not a single one of them were lucky enough to escape. With the change of one dynasty, everything was overturned. Her clan perished and she had to mourn for her children.

Shen Miao never thought that being a married couple who have gone through trials and tribulations and mutually assisted each other was just a stage joke to him!

He said, “Seeing that you have followed Zhen for twenty years, Zhen will grant you an intact corpse. You should thank this kindness.”

Under the three Chi (1 chi = 1/3 meter) of white silk, Shen Miao made a malicious vow: In the time to come, she will take part in each and everyone’s end!

Upon rebirth, she returned to the time when she was fourteen, when the tragedy had yet to occur, her family was still alive and she was still the pure, amiable, quiet and yielding Di daughter of a military lineage.

Relatives hiding a black heart, Elder and younger (female) cousins are ruthless and malicious, the new Yiniang is like a tiger watching its prey and the disreputable man who wants to repeat the events?

Her family must be protected, the huge enmity must be avenged, the Imperial seat of the country must also be a part of the trophy. In this lifetime, let’s see who can beat the others!

But that little marquis from the Xie family, the arrogant and obstinate spear carrying youth, stood biasedly at her side and proudly said, “Just the fall of the Imperial power. Remember this, the world belongs to you. You– Belong to me!”

Here's the link

My all time favorite and the female lead is not very open but she has this strength and forbearance that you rarely found in a woman.My first CN novel that I've finished reading using Google translator (ugh the translation goes mumbo-jumbo and it really takes every bit of my braincells working to understand all the mess), since the translation is still ongoing until now.

And that's it! You can visit the link I've provided if it intrigues you to read these hidden gems. At first I want to list five CN novels but it really takes my whole worth of motivation to put this up amidst of my laziness because I really need to and I have no choice but to work my as* a lil bit lol.

Well this may be short and uneventful post from me, but worry not! this may be the last one,hohohuhuhu cries like a penguin Adios!

[tamiddyinyourcity]

4:38pm... Screw it, lets do it.

Saturday, January 18th of 2020.

Had a pleasant day with Patrick. It started off "melancholy", in his words, (which was obvious from the awkward faces he made and the way he refused to look up at me upon meeting.... definitely gave an "i dont wanna be here" vibe, but it just seems like that's his... natural state of being, I guess.)

But we ended up having a nice day. Talked about our old schools, good movies, bad movies. He agrees that Uncut Gems was good, but definitely not spectacular. (Overhyped, and just a boring narrative honestly...)

I brought my sketchbooks, pens and paints, since that's the best thing to bring for any hangout.

He drew a white triangle on a white piece of paper, then painted the whole paper off white.... nice.

I forgot that he digs avant garde artwork. Hell, it was one of our first conversations when we first had started talking, before we ever became a thing. Nice idle conversation.

Good to know, hah.

Anyway.

4:44pm.

The hangout was nice.

It was awkward at first, which was good. I kind of like awkward meetings, it keeps me on my toes. And let me know that the feeling of, "Ah, there's my ex, who I am going to spend a few hours with", is a mutual feeling of mild tension or nervousness about how that would turn out....

After I eventually got some food in my stomach, (thanks Patrick, i owe you like 5.44, youll get paid back later some way or form,) had a nice little breather in the restroom, then sat near him a bit longer.... It wasn't so bad. Tense. Enough to make me question why I wanted to see him, but not enough to make me leave. And, it was good. I realized I wasn't attracted to him like I was before, and that I did still like his presence....

An odd feeling of "wow, jesus, this dude is boring", and "but.... a pleasant boring, and still good company for a nice sunny day out."

Pleasant boring is like.... good, and content, but not astounding or outstanding. Like if I were to spend a day blowing dandelions, versus if I were to go to Great America.

Not to say that id rather be at Great America, since... sometimes, nice and content lazy days are all that's needed.

I felt good. And tense. I spilled water on myself or nervously tuned out several times, but.... still, not a bad outing to have with a person in general.

The library was closed, FUUCKKKKKKK. But, he just suggested we sit at a nearby sunny bench instead. Which felt much better than a stuffy book lounge, to be completely honest with you......

Nice sunny afternoon, fresh air, and painting and doodling with a good friend. What wouldn't be nice about that?

Eventually, conversation went from tiptoeing, to light. Tiptoeing would have been acting like any conversation would lead to tears, declarations of iamsopissedatyou, or whatever.

But it was light. Obviously not touching our relationship, but still shedding light on good things. Like movie perspectives, rants about drama and bullying from high school days, several things like that.

And a pro was that I wasn't.... feeling very much.

Not a crush. Still being able to recognize that sometimes, from certain angles, his face was nice. No secret pining for a hand hold, or to kiss. Just.... "Yeah, thats his face, and its not terrible."

Its good that i wasnt super lustful or whatever. I just lost the urge, i guess. Probably since i beat my meat so hard this morning that i lost all feeling down there, and purposely avoiding too much direct eye contact or checking him out to stop myself from even feeling more than pleasant in terms of just their general company

It's an odd feeling. Kinda sad. I don't think I wanna talk about it a lot, or I may cry, like I'm about to right now.

.....

But, it was a good hangout.

The worst case scenario, wouldve been another case of giving eachother a verbal smackdown, followed by a Bad Girls Club style fight..... and, yeah, that wouldn't have been remotely cool.

And a best case scenario, i would've gotten a million dollars, my pussy eaten, and met Brad Pitt. (Who would've done the second thing listed, hopefully.)

And in terms of everything, I'd say this was a good Realistic Scenario.

It lead to me eating something for a day, having a nice day outside in a sunny environment, making some hyper realistic artwork, and then him giving me a ride home.

I didn't expect a ride home. I won't expect one for our next hangout, but it was pleasant to be on a certain level of optimism and trust in me for the sake of the day.

I guess that was the reasoning behind me asking to still potentially see eachother.

Since well, the last few times we "broke up", he got all tense over giving me certain items back. Like spontaneously texting me and claiming he was emotional about the idea of never speaking to me again. Or, saying he really did care about me and didnt want to stop seeing me entirely.....

And of course, his most recent tweets that day I got my gift back were about Kate, but whatever nigga, you said the same thing about me to!

But usually he'd just go, "I don't want to see you for a few months", or never seeing me again, as if that would help.

....

Here's the thing.

Relationships and breakups are always confusing. We broke up twice, and even before me, he had only dated one person who dumped him.... I don't expect him to know how to handle breakups well. Especially in terms of how we deadass failed at the whole "lets take a break from eachother" shit before....

I don't like the idea of him getting depressed over me, I guess. Sad? Sure. Overly sad? No. Depressed and drinking his way into a new year over a breakup? Jesus, man, get it together.... Idk, id hate for him to do something risky or dangerous over a relationship ending.

Plus clearly, he didnt want that for me as well after everything....

I tend to usually still find ways to be around a person, even if they don't like me, or if they're afraid things will go poorly. People have pushed me away, or avoided any confrontation, basically since they never learned to have "real talks" with resolutions. (Abusive parents, shitty friendships, or just general anxiety of how the other person may react, are big factors.) But????? Dude, from all the shit ive been through, a little talk is the least of my worries. Oh look, you thought id yell at you or that issues couldn't be resolved? Surprise, bitch, now we're over the speed bump from before, and eating gelato in a park. Life is a gamble; and you should take any chance you get to say what you want, or do what you want, or else you'll die in the shadows, wondering, "I wonder how they felt? What if i did say what i did this time?" (Hell, most of my incidents of doing that with Patrick lead to.... well, our previous second try, as well as us being friends today, instead of me writing shady shit on twitter as he.... idk, does whatever he does to cope with shit.)

Hell, Crackhead John went from "stop texting me so much, we just fuck, youre so annoying", to "i wouldn't mind seeing that movie twice for you". Marco went from "stay the fuck out out of my life, i literally hate you" to buying us burritos and plowing me in his bed. Patrick #1 went from "im not looking for anything serious" to "what???? you got a new boyfriend????? but i liked you?????".... Most of these incidents came from either perservering and showing that even negative situations can be worked through for a better ending. Or from the other person going, "Fuck it, we were a good friendship duo". I saw that in Patrick #2, and I believed he saw it in me, but as usual, would never make the first move. So...... Yeah, what would be the worst to happen at suggesting we get Wingstop, or go to a library, and rebuild trust up?

....

I know i typed a lot, but does that make any sense?

Like....

Sometimes, you gotta do things that scare you, to get where you want.

And if I wanted Patrick #2 to go from "dont speak to me at all" to "yeah sure lets walk around this nearby college and paint with me".... then, i gotta not be afraid to hear "no", or to be willing to explain my thoughts to someone.

Easy. If someone is obviously worried that I'm not over them, or dangerous, prove them wrong. Agree not to do car rides with them. If they are okay dropping me off at home, i wont sabotage things, to prove that no, I am not a threat... I am a friend, and I want you to see, thats what i want to be.

Multiple things. I knew that talking to him about our relationship, demanding car rides or things not in his boundaries, and whatnot..... would push him away.

So the real question was, "If I had to walk my ass down that big ass hill, take an hour long bus ride, and see this man, without being horny, emotional, or what.... Then, is that something I'd want?"

So far, yeah. If it eventually did reach the point of how it was before in our friendship, that would be nice, but not gonna demand it, or expect it anytime soon.

.....

I just saw that he wanted to be around me, and.... was naive about things.

Or at least, I realistically knew myself that if I stopped seeing him for months, I would either hate him, or lose all desire for a friendship. (Like Calvin, honestly.)

I didn't want that "Hey, Patrick! Long time no see! How are ya? How nice! Aww, well, nice speaking to you!", awkward side hug headass friendship, where I inevitably would tweet afterwards "who the hell was that?"

I knew I wanted to still talk with him. To get over things. Still being decently close, with or without our pelvises touching, and still not afraid to reach out to him.

....

I guess I just reached out, since I thought, "The worst that can happen is hearing no."

If he didn't want to meet up or see if there was potential for us to set general boundaries, and then just at least *test* if a workable friendship was there.... I would've been hurt, but understood. Extremely hurt... but, I think he initially agreed to try out of fear, which definitely is a terrible reason to agree to something. But, he realized there was nothing to fear, and its been genuine platonic interest happening since then.

I just kinda thought, "If we both clearly wanna be around each other, whats stopping us?", and I figured that at least confronting eachother face to face, in a calm rational manner about things, felt better than the inevitable "this question is burning in my mind, and my friends are tired of hearing about this asshole nonstop."

Does this make any sense? Idk. All i know is that from the sheer amount of times his attempt at ghosting me failed, and how we did evolve from problems before, mixed with him both wanting my presence without any problems...

It just made sense.

What was there to lose? Nothing to lose, more to gain. The worst would be losing my shit a few hours of a day and a previous connection.

Best? Well, in the platonic sense, we get to still be friends without a care in the world.

And in a non-platonic sense, I'd be getting railed (in the pussy) and still having a good friend, who just so happens to make my toes curl a nice way. But, lets not think about the image of that too much, or..... itll be upsetting.

5:55pm. According to angel numbers, thats a sign to "let go of the old that is no longer positively serving you".....

I think I'm good, in terms of that. No problems arose today.

.....

Yeah. I just saw it as, "at least give it a shot". And he did. So far, its gone pretty well.

That one night in his car when I was having my unstable ass emotions? Not great. Still good elements, but overall still toxic. He still was open to seeing me nonetheless, which is.... not something I expected him to say, after basically getting a foot to the face? He did sound genuine, but like..... i still worry, in terms of "is he doing and saying this since he wants to, or, because he really is afraid that something could potentially happen?"

.....not a great feeling.

I asked him today if he felt that way, and he reassured me that he was feeling genuine. I still worry! Since... it was a terrible situation, and I still would never want something like that to happen ever again.

And nothing is more terrible than a friend who is only a friend, because they're afraid of you.

Its also why I was worried about him faking joy when we were dating. He's a people pleaser, and sometimes he does really shitty things due to that, which is super unhealthy in regards to what he wants...... Its why I hesitated to tell him about things I wanted in a relationship. Since at what point does it stop being "cool, thanks for letting me know ways to make our relationship better", and turn into controlling his whole life as a person?

....

God, there's three different stories I can tell about that, but I don't want to think about that fucking party. Or anything. Jesus Christ.

..

His car that night? - Terrible instances of flipping shit, but somehow, still lead to us hugging in an embrace that night.

That time at Wingstop? - Awkward. Weird. Not exactly into him, but still, a little. Friendlyish. Tolerable.

The graveyard walk? - pleasant. i broke down in tears on my doorstep, but had a good day walking with him, even if still hearing things that had hurt me. things changed. but was still open to hang.

The movies? - okay. started awkward. he smelled like he rolled around in dickcheese as opposed to a fucking shower.... i had a panic attack and moved seats in the theater. he was confused. but, we moved past that, and still had a pleasant talk about the movies. felt good..... i digged that.

And then today? - good day. genuinely nice. had its rocky or imperfect moments, but sailed smooth otherwise. didnt result in oral sex, but i got checked out at least once that day, which felt good.... plus, just a general nice day.

Things evolve. People and situations can change... sometimes for the better. It went from him saying we would never be able to hang out normally unless we stopped talking for months, to managing set boundaries, healthy discussions, and otherwise having a nice time.

It's great.

....

I didn't feel many insane urges, which was good.

Its odd. I lost feeling for him in a way. I dont know how to feel about that. Its good for the sake of a friendship, but sad, since... let's be honest, we all know i never wanted shit to end.

Life sucks sometimes.

But in this case, it was good.

Still not making lingering eye contact or looking at them for too long. Since some moments were "this dude is so nerdy and dronelike in his way of speaking, and not as attractive as before.... but good enough to still wanna be around, and okay for the idea of cunnilingus from. But due to our past and my loss of emotions for him, i cant imagine really kissing him."

And other moments were like, "Jesus christ, those are some eyes! Damn. Was i this wet before? Gah, stare at your painting again. Don't look at how nice his jawline is, or how clear his skin was gotten. Focus on your watercoloring...."

So..... Good. Not exactly hate, and definitely not what the 'l-word' could be used for.

Putting away the past while still recognizing that what happened, happened for a reason.... and despite all of that, i do not hate him. I just push out the thoughts, not overthink it, and just let it happen.

I should probably not think too heavily about what rank I'd give him, in terms of attraction, but its definitely not romance. "A good friend who I would be hesitant about smashing, and could never truly have feelings for again", is the vibe now.

.....

I guess I could picture him as an FWB. If an fwb is deadass "we fuck and hang, but know it would never go anywhere", then it wouod be easier, since the major roadblock of "i think you're a pussy, you disagree, and your best friends probably would try to kill me if they saw me with you", is helpful. Would help prevent things i guess.

But, enough of that.

Anything else worth mentioning?

He said no to cheating on me.... alright.

He said no to being friends with benefits. Mainly since it was a pleasant day, and he'd rather discuss it on a different day, so we can end the day positive. But its basically "no, for the foreseeable future".... He said that about the idea of seeing me before 3 months passed, but look at things now, bitchboy.

I'm noticing a trend of "what we say is usually just a placeholder for something else, and never set in stone."

Once again, worried about his people pleasing need for that exact reason, since i dont wanna steamroll his emotions or boundaries....

I just see it as, "Ask with the optimism and confidence of hearing a yes, while still internally expecting a no". Either the person matches your enthusiasm and agrees with you on things, or you hear an honest "no" without feeling hurt about it.

Anyway, its 6:24pm. I am.... Okay, so far. Glad today went well. And horny, but not specifically for this dude. Stopping myself from any thoughts relating to him in that way....

Some dude did ask me out tonight.

It's either at 7 or 8.

Worst case scenario: i get killed or molested and left to bleed out and die in the hills near my old high school.

Best case scenario: i have amazing sex, get some food, and can turn my focus onto a new human being now.

....

I at least want decent food, and good sex. After my last wack sexual experience, i do feel eh about hooking up with someone else....

Gross to know that I still see an ex who I don't like as someone who bangs me the best, but! Life has its way of mocking, soooo, yeah. Yikes.

I should text the dude, at least. I dont even like him... its either staying home, or a night out with some new dickhead.

Decisions decisions.....

I wonder.

Peace out.