#and a dnfer at my worst so
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game theory | francesco bagnaia/marc marquez, royalty au, forced marriage au, part one
oh my god it's finally here, i'm going to throw up. huge thanks to @certainstarfishllama for the feedback to this madness. happy reading, i guess?
#listen the update is gonna be slow#i am a procrastinator at best#and a dnfer at my worst so#marcnaia#also fear not the marcnaia plot is central the thing with bez won't last long (one chapter)#marc marquez#francesco bagnaia#pecco bagnaia#game theory#*mine: fan fiction#motogp rpf#motogp
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my history on here goes like this:
I was a tiny blogger with around 10 followers for months before october, I didn't know anyone and I didn't know their conflicts or anything so I just rebloged anything from anyone. I liked some bloggers but non of them is still here with us
at some point before october I discovered bellaya because finally someone was talking about dnf enough, it was hard time around twitchcon amsterdam for dnfers okay. and bella rebloged my post talking about them and then I decided to stick to then and I become their anon.
when they drituation happened it was hell. so many people panicked. so many people who I thought were reasonable started to essay and slowly lose their minds. I decided to stick around and see what snf and others will do with the decision of being critical myself. it lasted til the moment when someone mentioned that my dear dnp were in kinda similar situation and I have no right to worry about age differences. so slowly I started to follow everyone who was still posting
the worst thing was that I thought it was the end of this fandom. that it will never be back. but I'm happy that I was wrong. I met so many incredible people and I started to know people because we saw each other grow. because of that situation I got really into tina and I'm very grateful for that. I watched foosh before a lot but I decided if this is the end I'm moving to him and tina fully...
now we have our ups and downs in dtbrl but seeing them grow together, dream performing on stage, sap owning nrg, and george slowly opening himself up and hanging out with la gays is just so :') I'm glad i stuck around
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Bookish Asks
I found these interesting questions from @ask-bait, I thought might as well make a separate post about it since there are lots of questions. Here's the original post.
what is the best book you have ever read? The good ol’ Frankenstein
what is the worst book you have ever read? The Tunnel - Ernesto Sabato
what is your preferred genre? Litfic and classics, I guess
what is your least favorite genre? Erotica
what book do you think everyone should read? Shubeik Lubeik - Deena Mohamed
do you track the books you read? if so, how? Yes, I use Storygraph.
how many physical books do you own? Not much to be completely honest. Including mangas, I’d say around 120? I just got back reading last year and frankly I couldn’t afford physical books most of the time, that’s why I utilize library services and other free reading services.
how many digital books do you own? I don’t buy ebooks. I borrow them from library app. But, I do have some copies of public domain classics on my device, roughly 40 ebooks.
do you have a favorite author? Dostoevsky, Oscar Wilde, Mary Shelley. I have not yet found living authors who I can say are my favorites.
what book are you reading right now? Invisible Women - Caroline Criado Perez
what book do you want to read but haven’t? Beloved - Toni Morrison
which book will you read next? Whatever I’m in the mood for.
what was the last book you read? It’s Lonely at the Center of the Earth - Zoe Thorogood
how many books do you read in a year? At least one.
have you been/are you in a book club? I joined reading challenges from several different book clubs in my country, it was really fun!
do you write in the margins of your books? Absolutely.
do you highlight in your books? Why yes, I do.
do you have any rules if you loan someone a book? I don’t loan books, lol.
do you fold the pages or use a bookmark? A bit of both
what is your go-to bookmark? Grocery receipt.
do you prefer to read or listen? Both.
would you want your favorite book to be a movie? Yes, The Inseparables by Simone de Beauvoir
what book to movie adaptation do you love? Good Omens.
what book to movie adaptation to you dislike? The Phantom of the Opera (2004)
do you frequent your local library? I try to, these days.
do you use libby? (or other) Yes.
is there a book that scared you? I don’t think so.
is there a book that made you cry? Of course. What My Bones Know, Boys Run The Riot series, and several others.
is there a book that made you laugh out loud? Yes, I just forgot which ones.
is there a book that changed your life? Meditations - Marcus Aurelius.
how many books are on your current tbr? Let’s not talk about that.
what is the first book you remember reading? Uh, I can’t recall. lmao.
what was your favorite childhood book? KKPK! An Indonesian children books series (?); basically a program from a publisher to facilitate young writers to published their works.
do you read more than one book at a time? Yes! My ADHD ass can’t read one book at a time.
what’s a book you read over and over? A novella by Dostoevsky, White Nights.
what’s the most you’ve reread a book? I don’t know, as much as I could?
do you always finish a book even if it’s bad? Nope. I’m a DNFer.
have you ever met an author in real life? Nope.
favorite quote from your favorite book? Remember that I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the falling angel whom thou drivest from joy for no misdeed.
do you own any “rare” or “collector” books? Nope.
do you prefer paperback or hardback? Paperback.
do you buy new or secondhand books? If I can buy secondhand of books that I want, then I’ll do so.
do you donate books when you are finished or keep them to come back to later? I donate books that I do not particularly want to keep anymore.
did you read more as a child or now? Not really.
thoughts on separating the author from the work? Not a believer of that. How can one be so sure that the author completely distance themselves from their art? That it is merely a fiction project for the sake of only making fiction? We should encourage reading critically and open discussion about such matters productively.
share a pic of your bookshelf! oh, I do not have my own bookshelf, I use shared bookshelf with my family.
what book do you feel most connected to? Call Me Cassandra - Marcial Gala, Boys Run The Riot series
what book would you give someone if they wanted a glimpse into your psyche? Notes From Underground - Dostoevsky, No Longer Human - Osamu Dazai
do you still subscribe to or read magazines? Nope.
do you subscribe to a newspaper? Email subscription of The Marginalia, if that counts as newspaper then yes.
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i’m taking time off today before mcc, so i wanna do one last doodle 🥰 (i’ll probably have to go on hiatus back into the void for a while again after 🥲) please offer some requests if u like!! for me to do now or before i come back next week :) thank you!!
i wanna finish yet another dnf comic wip but i’m trying to be less self indulgent for once :-)
#untagged#my dnf comics do the worst notes-wise but i do them the most 👍👍#i have the Brainrot okay#this makes me wonder how many of u are non-dnfers omg ☹️ i am so sorry........#rip#🕊️#also if u think i’ve been online too much: hush LOL#i got good grades so i’m taking the week easy ;v; i’ll get back to work full on next week doc i swear
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For the tickle laugh prompt Lee George 💗
Have a great day/night☺️
from this post!
You truly know the way to my heart, I love lee!george 🥺 Also, you didn’t pick a pairing so……Im gonna just stay in my toxic dnfer arc and pick ler!Dream 😈
- - - - - - -
George’s eyes were squeezed so tight he could see a kaleidoscope of colors behind them. He could barely hear Dream teasing him over the sounds of his own laughter - high pitched and chaotic.
Dream and George had been trying to figure out what to do all weekend; too hot to go outside, but too bright to stay in and hibernate. Yesterday they binge watched a new show on Netflix and today apparently was the same, with both of them flopped together in a pile on the middle of the couch.
Dream, deciding he was done watching the show, had began poking at George’s ribs, watching as the smaller boy next to him tried not to flinch and brought a hand to cover his mouth. It seemed Dream wasn’t in a slow, torturous mood today - just torturous.
George squealed as Dream dug into his ribs with purpose, climbing up over the brunette to sit on his waist and prevent him from crawling away. Dream tickled in the best worst way, knowing exactly where to push to get different types of laughter. But if Dream didn’t stop tickling his bottom two ribs soon, he swore he was going to die.
Tears were beginning to pool at the corners of George’s eyes, which were still squeezed shut as he blindly grabbed for Dream’s hands. This only further pushed the narrative of how helpless he was as Dream grabbed both his wrists, placing them under his knees as the taller boy darted his hands behind him, squeezing and prodding at George’s thighs.
“DREHEHEHEAM!!!!”
He heard the blonde boy laughing quietly above him, obviously finding his struggle amusing.
“Y-you’re sohohoho dead!! You’re goHONNAHA REGRET IHIHIT!” George tried to sound threatening, but it was hard when Dream suddenly switched to digging into his hips, squeezing and causing George to squeak before falling back into hysterical cackles.
“Yeah yeah, just laugh for me, idiot.”
And laugh for Dream he did.
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dnfers and all the other ships: Georebur is a terrible ship. There is no chemistry there. They barely know each other. They never talk.
Also, dnfers and other ships: Omg, imagine George doing the "cute date" thing with (insert American friend)!!!!! Imagine George getting a piggyback ride from (insert American friend) like how Wilbur gave one to George\!\!! Imagine Dream or someone else pulling George in like Wilbur did in THE vlog!\11!
I genuinely do not get the mindset of some shippers (mostly dnfers). They harass everyone for no reason, and yes, I will generalize because it's such a large portion of dnf shippers that say/do weird shit on Twitter. Like, I used to be one, and my god, I regret it. They make EVERYTHING George does with someone else about Dream for no reason. George cannot have other friendships, I swear. Plus, I don't want to be that person, to each their own, but Georgebur is so good, and I don't get how people can't even appreciate their friendship! Like, even if you don't ship them, you don't deny that they have a great thing going on. Some Twitter stans seem to think that every part of a friendship must be online to be a good one and seem to stop hearing when Wilbur or George mention how much time they spend together off-camera. I feel very passionately about this kind of thing cause it's so stupid how Twitter stans determine George's friendships for him. It's weird. (sorry this is so long, I just had to tell someone and u felt like the right person to tell, lmao)
DUDE YES YOU JUST DESCRIBED EVERYTHING this is actually so anoying, they say were the worst shippers ever but WE NEVER DID ANYTHING as far as i know, we never harassed anyone because of the ship or anything WHILE THERE IS TOXIC DNFERS OUT THERE MAKING NSFW JOKES FROM ANYTHING GEORGE SAYS TO DREAM, i know this isn't against their bondaries but we're being harassed for getting hyped about Wilbur hugging George while they make nsfw jokes and say weird shit to other shippers and don't face any consequences. Also, that tweet asking for every type of shippers come and stop georgebur shippers???? like wth was that???what did we even do, we get d34th thr34ts just because we like a ship and it's so unfair. Toxic DNFers say that people make fun of them for shipping DNF and they talk about it BUT THEY DO THE SAME THING TO US LIKE WHAT???? is hella annoying, they even created a rumour saying Wilbur doesn't like being shipped and people believed it making we get lots of hate when this was fake as fuck, people just doesn't check bondaries anymore and it's fucking annoying
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Agreed with you on the post; I lean towards 'it's all just business babeey' conclusion, and that while they are qbaiting in a sense of using their flirting relationship to drive up the engagement (and therefore profits too), if people are stupid enough to believe it's actually ~real~ and that they have queer rep in DnG or whatever - it's their own fault. Ship to your heart's content but if you become delusional and start dnf truthing on main - I'm not even sorry for you.
Thing is, for whatever reason two guys flirting will always attract new (often young, often queer and often female) audience, even if that initial flirting was just friendly banter and not intended to be bait at all. I don't want CCs to change their behaviour intentionally to avoid that audience, you know? Especially since explicitly saying they're not together changes...pretty much nothing tbh. If Dream or George announced tomorrow that no, they're not together, calm down gays - at best fandom would be like "ya-ya we know", at worst - "omg they're so closeted and afraid of being found out :(". So at this point they might as well ramp it up intentionally and benefit from the whole situation.
Mildly off topic, but what does piss me off is that dnf truthing will literally be based on a.) obvious bait b.) normal behaviour between two friends that was cherry-picked to make it seem like 'dnf are so in love!1!". E.g. the 10 hour calls that they've done to our knowledge, like, 3 times? And that George had with Bad and Sapnap as well so it's not like some Dream-exclusive thing? Fandom ran with it and now whenever Dream and George are not on streams I'll see multiple posts about how "It's all good guys, they are probably on call with each other! They can't stay apart for too long uwu". This is what I mean when I say that DnG don't even need to bait, fandom will bait itself using the flimsiest arguments. Mildly frustrating but what can you do.
idk what to say to any of this really, it’s worded perfectly and i agree with all of it. especially you’re last point like?!? i’ve never been a dnfer but taking a step away from these ccs has given me a fresh perspective and i really think that so many clips that i see on my dash or tl are either obvious bait or just. Guys Bein Dudes. friends bein pals.
it’s one thing to find their relationship cute and to speculate like, for funsies. because that is not something i see any problem with and the vast majority of the people i follow on tumblr seem to fall into this category. a lot of people (young fans on twitter, mostly) just take everything wayyy too fucking seriously and i guess i don’t really have an issue with that either, i just think they might be setting themselves up for disappointment or have an unhealthy attachment to their ship. like, people accuse me of treating dng like fictional characters when i say they queerbait, but then turn around and meticulously analyze george blinking faster when dream starts talking or something as Definitive Proof that they are in love. or they over exaggerate this jealous dream bit which by the way, annoys me to no end. 
i’m not gonna lie though and pretend like they are just two normal buddies cause. i have eyes. there are some....questionable things that these two say/do that are not indicative of normal bro behavior. i side eye them HARD quite often. and i don’t want to be the fun police here, i hope that anyone who reads this doesn’t think i look down on people for shipping dnf? i don’t. i just think it’s kind of weird when people take it so seriously and invest in their dynamic wayyyyy too much. because, yknow, (looks at smudged writing on hand) Pair of social relationships and all that
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mostly ppl get mad bc ‘don’t ship real people’ which is ofc its own discourse and uhhh ‘this character is not confirmed gay’ etc etc which is confusing to me but idk i just like drama that’s all i come here for ANYWAY the real point is i just. i’m still thinking about my friend who said ‘dnf is like strangers to lovers which is why it is superior to friends to lovers and enemies to lovers [referencing other dteam ships]’ bc. that was so bewildering lmao - msfern
OH YEAH YEAH i mean honestly i do think it’s a little,,,, questionable to ship real people but at the same time. if they’re okay with it and no one is being weird about it— i don’t think it’s bad, i think it doesn’t matter at worst, it’s funny/endearing at best.
with the exception of literally everyone that ships gnf ever because that man isn’t simply sexualized he’s objectified to the moon and back and i hate it ❤️ /hj (more srs than hj but-)
i honestly don’t understand the “this character isn’t confirmed [insert sexuality]” like who cares. it’s just a character. fanon can be whatever i want if i want c!wilbur to be a flaming bisexual he simply Will Be. there’s nothing wrong with that. the real problem, i believe, is in the fact people have a real hardship separating character from cc (in the dsmp community), and that makes headcanons like that kinda weird. not me tho. i can separate them so i have special rights. KFKWKSK LMAO
BAHAHAHAHA— DNF IS STRANGERS TO LOVERS FJWJXJWJSJ PFFFFT THAT’S. KINDA FUNNY. WHAT THE FUCK LMAOOOO DNFERS ARE JUST SOMETHING ELSE NOW ARENT THEY
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Let's see how many of these I know/remember
I 100% know: orange
I might have an idea/know vaguely: teal
I don't know/can't remember: nothing
Some notes about some of them:
The “Hey Wilbur” made me wish to die instantly
I think Ii've heard of the “Never underestimate someone who trained under Technoblade” but for the life of me I can't remember where or what it was exactly
Weird straight dsmp blog: I've reblgged from them before they closed the ask box. Lots of weird shit. The amount of incest in there... Horrific. It was made to be that way but gods. I saw the discourse that ended that thing. What a ride.
Isn't the mcyttwt X mcytblr a thing that happened on twitter? Lol
Tumblr official mcyt twitter space: I was there. I was in a lot of the weird Tumblr mcyt related Twitter spaces. Liveblogged 3 of them. Pretty funny experience.
Are you a bigb apologist?: Not only I know the whole story but I also received an ask.
Early dnfers: The DNF community in 2020? I was there. I started reading DNF when there were around 200 DNF on ao3. I read Heatwaves before it trended on Twitter. I have a response from Dakota of a comment of mine from when she could answer every comment. I have stories about early dnfblr. Some good. Some... Not so much.
Cryptodream psychoanalysis doc: So... I've known Cryptodream for awhile. Literally from when she went by Hatsune Miku lol. Also DNFer and if you were an early DNFer you got to know a lot of them. I unfollowed recently though because her ask box was just discourse and... Probably the worst takes you've ever seen. I left for my own mental health basically. (So what might be in that doc is probably a bit distressing, if she puts the asks that she was receiving). I don't hate her, even if I desagree with some of her takes (she also did not agree with every ask that was sent her way). I left because I couldn't handle it. She was compiling the asks in the psych ward tag so it doesn't surprise me she made a doc.
I have heard very vague things about georgesoot. I really want to know the full story.
I'd love an explanation on the rest of the things! Some of them I'm really curious about.
I think some of the the ones I haven't marked I might actually know, but I can't remember them or I don't really realize what they were referring to.
How couldn't you add Thicc Grian Monday? Or at least the Mcytblr Twitter thread? That's a funny story.
hey babe wake up new mcytblr iceberg dropped
#mcytr#discourse#mentioned#I haven't been in dnfblr for a long time I admit#still follow some blogs#it would make sense that a lot of my new followers don't know that I was/am a dnfer#I'm very casual about it now#I hardly post about it#mcyt#I have a bunch of suggestions for the iceberg#like that time Emerald duo made it to the top ships on Tumblr#LOL#this was fun
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Great, I’ve gotten two car accidents since march, I’ve realized i’m enby and told my dad and in the worst way possible, my depression and emoness is so bad somehow I gotten into slipknot and I think it’s because of someone I follow on technotwt who likes ghost and Rammstein, also I left the kpop world for a bit regressed into mcyt (again) but it’s mostly philza and technoblade (I swear I have never and am not a dnfer), but I’d really like an explanation on how you switched lanes on jongho like that? What did Yunho do for you switch after all the shit you and jongho gone through
Oh I’m sorry Bestie. That’s all terrible. Happy pride tho! And at least you can be who you are outwardly now (i hope). Slipknot isn’t too bad. I mean, music is music, so as long as you enjoy it, that’s what matters. I have never been on mcyt but it seems like an interesting place. But hey, whatever entertains you. If we are sharing things, i read ice planet barbarians and found out I’m a monster fucker. My limitations are not…mmm…as strict as I thought they were. 😂 But yea. I’ve been reading a lot of romance/spicy books lately and have been enjoying them.
Well. Sweetheart__sannie (kayla) (before she quit tumblr) had a mission to get me to like Yunho, or admit it. I’ve had a soft spot for him since 2019, and during Answer, he was basically my bias wrecker. Well Kayla saw my weakness and exploited it. By Thanxx/Inception, i was in love with Yunho but didn’t publicly admit it because I was you know, THE jongho stan. But idk. I realized I have a size kink hdhdjdjdj. But even further, I realized how much I love goofy men who make me laugh, he’s so sweet and kind and i love how much he loves food. And i even love that fact that he wiggles all the time because he can’t stop moving. But yea. Kayla was the reason. 😂 I vista her a week and a half ago in LA.
I actually saw Ateez in January and I screamed hello to Yunho and told him he was handsome. He cupped his cheeks and smiled at me and I also said bye to him and he said bye to me.
Im the blonde one on the left making a heart with a girl.
And this is my hi touch
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Mudpocalypse, the Sequel: Bighorn 2018 race report
https://youtu.be/_z-igfDoaug
Running a 100-miler is an exercise in narcissism.
Everything is about you — your feelings, your problems, your grit, your triumph, or your defeat. It’s like being Donald Trump, but for a limited time. Most ultrarunners are crazy, but we’re otherwise contributing members of society who care about other people. We would get creeped out if the narcissism of the 100 didn’t end quickly after the race was over.
So as I get day-by-day further out from my Bighorn finish, and as my legs slowly recover and I regain the ability to get in and out of my car without groaning, it’s nice to feel the narcissism of the race slipping away. It’s time for me to do the dishes. It’s time for me to feed the cat. It’s time for me to go to work. Others make demands of me again, like in normal life. It’s a good feeling.
Only one more bit of narcissism is left: this race report.
The start,waving goodbye. I’ll see you at Dry Fork!
I knew from my past attempts at Bighorn that it would suck and that I wouldn’t enjoy it. So I needed as many things to motivate me as possible. Chief among them was that if I finished, I wouldn’t have to come back next year to do it again. But also, I held out the hope that I might be happy. I thought about the two years of Bighorn swag in my closet — t-shirts, socks, windbreakers — that as a DNFer I hadn’t allowed myself to wear, and thought I’d be happy putting that stuff on. I thought about the big belt buckle, a staple of 100-mile races, and how good it would feel to own one of those like most of the people I hang out with in my running club. I thought of all the people who encouraged me and how they’d be happy to see me get this done, and how that would make me happy also.
I started the race determined that nothing that happened in the first half would matter at all, vis-a-vis my happiness at any rate. I would just focus on steady progress, ignore my splits, stay as warm and dry as I could, and remember to eat and drink. No highs or lows. So when the rain started I said “Meh.” When it became obvious that the trail conditions would be exactly as shitty as last year, I said “Meh.” When it started hailing, my answer was “Meh.” There was a brief moment in the climb up to Jaws when I thought about how good my feet were feeling that I slipped a little and felt a little bit happy, but I caught myself quickly and went back to “Meh.”
Arriving at Jaws in the rain I was a bit wet and cold, but nowhere near as bad as last year. I was generating heat and was far from hypothermic. I had been running with a cheap ($4.50 at REI) poncho instead of a jacket as my rain protection, and it had been working beautifully. Although I took a good long time at Jaws to change clothes and to eat and drink, I never considered dropping. After all, once I left that aid station it would be the Second Half of the race, and as such I could allow myself to be Happy. I was lucky enough to be getting the chance for an almost exact do-over of the 2017 conditions at Jaws, and I was doing everything right this time.
Next, I slayed the bad memories of 2016 where my race basically came apart below Spring Marsh on account of profound exhaustion. My trip from Jaws to Footbridge this year was slow because of mud, but I was feeling steady and moving well, passing a lot of people. I had a brief physical low point just before the aid station because of nausea, but I got into Footbridge suspecting that for the first time at Bighorn I was going to be able to run the rest of the course back to Dayton. I was happily surprised to see Joe C. from the Salomon Run Club crewing for Eric L. in Footbridge, and happy to see Eric run through in the lead of the 52-miler. Go Eric!
As I headed out, I briefly asked an aid-station worker what the cutoff time was at Footbridge, just to get an idea of how far in front of that I was. Here’s what I remember her saying: “Ten a.m. here, and 3 p.m. at Dry Fork, then three more hours to Dayton.”
I was nowhere near the cutoff time in Footbridge. An inconsequential bit of chatter, it seemed.
Several times during my weekend in Wyoming, the question came up of whether Bighorn is worse in the hot years or in the wet years. My own opinion is that both are very bad, without advantage to either one. The heat will kill you in a cardiovascular way, bleeding your energy, making you slow. The mud will kill you in a musculoskeletal way, beating you up, making you slow. There have been no easy years in my three trips to Bighorn, and I have enormous respect for anyone who’s done it in either kind of year. I’m very willing to argue about this with anyone, so hit me up if you disagree. I love to argue.
Back to the action. I managed to get up the Wall in good shape. It’s a brutal climb period, but especially brutal at mile 70 when it’s coated with mud. I got to Bear Camp and just continued rolling - a bit more hiking now than running, but that’s to be expected at that distance.
Another quick aside: I give the award for the Best Mud to the 50-yard section just to the Footbridge side from Bear Camp aid station where the mud was mid-calf deep. It was simply the most spectacular mud on the course. Texture, color, quantity and quality. Anyone has a problem with that, you can take it up with my manager. I don’t want to hear it.
So at this point, I’m moving well (enough), I’m Happy, I’m done with the Wall. What could go wrong? Well, sprained ankles, bear attacks, bees, diarrhea, lightning, chafing… OK, a lot could go wrong, but that’s not what did go wrong.
I kept looking at my watch and thinking about getting to Dry Fork before 3 p.m. As I got slower, it started to grow as an Issue. My sleep-deprived mind slowly became consumed with calculating how many minutes per mile I would have to run in order to get to Dry Fork before the cutoff. And remember how that aid-station person back in Footbridge said that I had three hours after the Dry Fork cutoff of 3 pm to finish? Or, at least, remember that that’s what I heard her say? (She may have said no such thing.) Well, it started to dawn on me that I’d need more than three hours to run from Dry Fork to the finish.
My mind was thinking like this: “It usually takes me just over three hours to run from the start of the race to Dry Fork going uphill, but that’s when I’m trying not to run fast because that’s stupid at the beginning of the race. So now I’ll be going overall downhill (faster), but it’s at mile 80-something (slower), but I’ve got more distance to run along that stupid flat road to Dayton (slower), and I’m no freak like Alberto who will be putting down 9-minute miles on that road after 95 miles (slower), so UNLESS I GET TO DRY FORK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, I’M SCREWED AND I WILL MISS THE CUTOFF AT THE FINISH.”
So here I was, having done so well through this whole race, at a time when I should have been feeling Happy about finally finishing Bighorn and never having to sign up for it again, at a time when I should have been feeling grateful for being able to do this (if not fast than at least respectably well), at a time when the clouds were thinning and the sun was peaking through and I could take off all the wool layers I’d put on at Jaws and revel in the crisp mountain air… Instead I was convinced that I was running too slow, that I had to run FASTER, or it WILL HAVE ALL BEEN FOR NOTHING. No buckle, no celebration, no congratulations, no hundred-mile burger at the Sun, no wearing the Bighorn socks, and the worst thing: having to decide whether to come back for another attempt next year.
Let me tell you that these thoughts made my very Not Happy as soon as they entered my mind. “This is a shitty situation and I would rather not be in it” was how I put it to myself.
The weather at Dry Fork on the way out reflects my Not Happy feelings on the way in.
Now let me explain why all of this is somewhat funny, if also sad and pathetic. I knew that the overall cutoff time for Bighorn is 34 hours. The race started at 10 a.m. the previous day, so any adult human who could add and subtract would know that 24 hours from the start was 10 a.m. on the second day, and that 34 hours from the start was 10 hours past 10 a.m. on the second day which would be…. 8 pm. The number of hours from the 3 p.m. cutoff at Dry Fork to the cutoff at the end of the race is therefore 5 hours. Even if I scraped out of Dry Fork at the very last second I would have five hours to get to Dayton. Not three. Five whole hours. More than enough time. And I was going to get out of Dry Fork before 3 p.m. so I’d have even more buffer. Missing the cutoff time was never a real danger.
THIS is where a pacer would have been helpful. Someone to do this basic math for me and tell me to chill out and enjoy myself.
If I had not been afflicted with end-of-hundred-mile-brain, I would have noticed things around me and realized my mistake. No one at Dry Fork, when I got there, seemed desperate to get out, as I was. People on the trail were chatting with their pacers and weren’t weeping softly as I felt like doing. “Why are these people not worried about the cutoff?” is what I should have asked myself. Instead, I assumed the worst of them (a weakness of mine) and chalked it up to them not caring. I figured they all knew they would be cut off but because they were probably so earnest and uncompetitive, they didn’t mind. I told myself that they hadn’t chosen to drop because they were stupid and satisfied with merely ‘running it in’ to ‘challenge themselves’ even if everyone in Scott Park would have packed it in and left by the time they got there. “These back-of-the-packers just plod along for vacuous reasons and I despise them because they have no competitive fire and they live for participation trophies. They all suck.” What can I say, I’m a misanthrope and that comes out at the end of 100-mile races, who knew?
The ironic thing is that I was the stupid one; the only person who was wrong about the cutoffs. Also ironically, at the same time that I was showering contempt on my more-functional race-mates, I was the one throwing in the towel. Because I ‘knew’ I wouldn’t finish, I took time to sitting on the side of the trail, contemplating the beauty of the Bighorn Mountains but also feeling sorry for myself. I walked when I could have jogged and jogged when I could have run.
Even when I got to the Tongue River Road and the last flat 5 miles of the race, I just plodded along, hoping that my wife and dog would have realized that I failed and would have driven out to pick me up in the car. Even when I saw Heidi and Pele, I didn’t notice that they were happy, I was just disappointed that they were there without the car. I kept walking, and walking, surrounded by other runners, feeling Not Happy. It’s hard to believe now, but I got to Dayton and took Pele at the corner of Scott Park and jogged along the fence with people cheering and complementing Pele (“Beautiful dog! Nice pacer!”) and ran around the corner and under the big FINISH banner, and still thought I hadn’t finished. Heidi said she’d go pick up my buckle and I said “Great, if they’ll give one to you.” She came back and handed me a buckle and a finisher’s hoodie, and ONLY THEN did I start to get a little suspicous. “The cutoff time is 8” she said. “Huh,” I said. “Well then, I guess I finished.”
Pup licks! Along the Tongue River Road at mile 98.
Finishing Bighorn with Pele.
Now that it’s been a few days, the intellectual knowledge that I actually finished Bighorn has finally set in. But the emotional satisfaction hasn’t arrived yet, and I don’t know if it ever will. Emotions aren’t rational after all, and I wonder if spending those final hours of the race feeling that I failed are replaceable by feelings of Happiness and Satisfaction just because my intellectual brain knows I finished.
At any rate, I am happy that I don’t have to sign up for the Bighorn 100 again. I’m still kind of a cranky grump about 100s generally and I’m not excited to ever do another one. However, the Bighorn 18-mile sounds FABULOUS! I think it’d be fun to run from Dry Fork to Dayton down that beautiful huge hill feeling fresh and able to run fast. Or even the 52-miler, a good solid day in the mountains for sure, but nothing too crazy. Getting this 100-mile monkey off my back feels great; like I again have no obligations in mountain running and can pick and choose what I choose to do because it sounds fun. And if it doesn’t sound fun, I can say “Nah.”
These are the same pair of shoes from the starting-line picture above. Now destroyed!
The 100-mile buckle!
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