#and Tyler in that ridiculous suit jacket - do you remember when we all freaked out over that photo of new clothes for this tour? haha

[arcticpuppeteer]

Arctic Monkeys at Rock In Roma Ippodromo Delle Capannelle, Rome, 16th July 2023.

by Stefano D'Offizi

[wwoww-au]

Five Friends

Mark held the door open for his friends as they exited the restaurant. It was a bright, sunny day, just like any other. The restaurant door closed slowly behind the group, cutting off the chatter coming from inside. They moved off to the side so they could still stand and talk without getting in the way of the door, or anyone else moving down the busy city street. Downtown Los Angeles in the afternoon was filled to the brim with people headed to a million different destinations.

“That was fun, guys, but I have to get going,” Mark said, checking his watch. “I want to practice my monologue a couple more times before the audition. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.” His smile wavered.

“You’re going to do great.” Amy pulled him into a hug. 

“You think so?” The others joined in on the hug and rattled off their own words of encouragement, finally earning a confident smile from Mark. He pulled back. “Yeah, I got this! I’ll be the best leading man they’ve ever seen! Thank you, guys!” He backed away, giving one last wave to his friends before disappearing down a side street.

.

.

.

The small group continued to walk down the city street, exchanging idle conversation. A few minutes into their walk, however, Tyler stopped dead in his tracks. The rest of the group followed suit.

“Tyler, what’s wrong?” Amy asked.

“I heard a weird noise back there,” Tyler replied absentmindedly as he turned and took a few paces back, leaning into an alleyway in search of the source of the noise. When he got there, he saw a strange man with wild pink hair and a matching mustache, lying in a heap among the contents of an overturned trash can. He held tight onto a stick in his left hand. A few pink bubbles floated overhead. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?”

“Never better!” The man hopped up with a smile, trotting over and shaking Tyler’s hand. “Now tell me, friend, where am I? And what year is it?”

“What year is… what? Uh… Los Angeles. 2020." 

"Really? That’s wonderful! Same place two portals in a row! And only a year off from the last portal! It must be a sign.” He happily twirled the thing in his hand. Now that he was closer, Tyler could see it wasn’t a stick, but an intricately carved piece of wood with a golden handle.

“Tyler,” Kathryn said cautiously, she and the other two next to him now, staring at the other man with the same confusion.  “Who is this?”

“Allow me to introduce myself!” The man gave a little bow. “My name is Wilford Warfstache, pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“I’m Tyler,” he spoke carefully, still wary of this unusual stranger. “These are my friends; Amy, Ethan, and Kathryn.” The others gave half-hearted greetings. “Why were you in the trash?”

Wilford shrugged. “Who knows? I can never really tell where I’ll end up with these portals.”

“Portals?” Ethan chimed in.

“You know, those swirly things that help people get from place to place. Or from time to time in my case. Wait-” Wilford adjusted his glasses and squinted. “You folks aren’t wizards.”

“Wizards?” Ethan said. “Sorry, but you aren’t making any sense.”

“Maybe he hit his head when he fell into the trash,” Tyler muttered.

“I did hit my head, but that’s beside the point. I’m a time wizard!”

“Somehow I don’t believe you,” Amy said, crossing her arms.

“Mundanes, always so skeptical,” Wilford shook his head. He raised the wand in hand, swirling it in the air. The group of mundanes stared in awe as a small mass of pink bubbles and golden sparks formed to Wilford’s right, swirling until a small portal floated in the air. He then shoved his arm all the way to his shoulder into the portal, fishing around for a moment before retrieving a glass filled with an iridescent liquid. The portal closed with a little pop.

“What is that?” Kathryn was the first to break the stunned silence. 

“This is a martini,” Wilford tried to take a sip from the glass, only to miss his mouth entirely and spill it on his yellow shirt.

“That’s not like any martini I’ve seen before,” Tyler stared at the liquid, which seemed to change color in the afternoon sunlight.

“Sounds about right,” he hummed. “Wizard booze is different from the boring stuff you mundanes drink. It has more pizazz. Tastes better, too.” After another failed attempt at drinking the martini, he shrugged and lifted the wand again. Another bubbling portal opened and Wilford plunged his hand inside, which was followed immediately by the sound of shattering glass. He made an odd face, rummaging around the portal a little longer. He pulled his hand out, the miniature portal closing with a pop behind him. “Ah! I was wondering where I left this!” He beamed, examining the object in his hand.

Tyler leaned in to get a better look at the object in Wilford’s hand, jumping back when he recognized it. “Is that a gun?”

“A flintlock pistol, yes.” Wilford held it up for the rest to see, aimlessly waving it around as he spoke. “The kind used by pirates for boarding action. Got into a real nasty duel with this back in the 1670s, this massive pirate thought I was trying to steal his treasure. Imagine me, stealing treasure! Ridiculous. I would’ve won that duel, too, had I not fallen back into the cannon and gotten shot off the ship,” He smiled at the memory. “Good times.”

“Can you stop waving that thing around!?” Ethan ducked to the side as the wizard casually gestured towards him with the pistol. “You’re gonna get someone killed!”

“Don’t be so skittish. It’s not loaded, see?” Wilford pointed the gun towards the air, pulling the trigger without a second thought. Instead of a gunshot, however, a great bolt of gold sparks shot out, racing high into the air before exploding like a firework. A few pink bubbles and colorful pieces of confetti lazily floated down in its wake. The four mundanes stared up in awe; meanwhile, Wilford shook the pistol, lifting his rose-tinted glasses to peer down the barrel of it with one eye. “Huh, I guess it was loaded.”

Kathryn reached up, poking at one of the bubbles as it floated through the air. It dissolved into glitter when she touched it. “So does this mean..” She paused for a minute to gather her words, glancing around at her friends and then back at Wilford. “Magic is real? I thought that kind of stuff only existed in stories.”

“Of course it’s real! But don’t worry about not knowing about it, friend. The folks at the Wizard Committee are really adamant about the whole ‘keep magic secret because some mundanes get really freaked out about it and might try to kill us all’ thing. Not you guys, though. You seem very nice." 

"Wizard Committee?”

“Oh yeah, it’s all the people in charge of the wizarding world. A bunch of stuck up pricks if you ask me.” Wilford shrugged, before tucking the pistol and the Time Wand into the pockets of his trenchcoat. “But who cares about their silly little rules anyways?”

“WARFSTACHE!”

“Ah, that’s who.”

The small group of friends all turned to see who they assumed was another wizard marching towards them. Tyler and Amy instinctively moved in front of the rest of the group, Tyler crossing his arms in a move he hoped would be intimidating to the angry stranger.

They came face to face with Tyler, clutching the cane in their hand with a knuckle white grip. “Move.”

“Hey, Dark…” Wilford peered out from behind the two mundanes. “Nice to see you! No hard feelings about the portal incident back in Incantation, I hope. I was only trying to-”

“Shut up,” Dark snapped. “You’re under arrest.”

“What? Why?” Amy said. “Is this because he showed us magic?”

“No, it’s because-” they paused. “You showed these mundanes magic?”

“Calm down,” Wilford placed his arms around the two in front of him. “We were just having a little fun. No harm in letting some common folks see the magic in the world.”

“No harm? What about that time you nearly got us burned at the stake in Europe? Or that time a mob chased us in Salem?”

“Exactly! What fun times! Or that time in Greece-”

“We promised to never talk about Greece.”

“I’m sorry,” Kathryn cut in. “Do you two know each other? I thought you were a wizard cop or something.”

“Dark and I go way back!” Wilford perked up. “We’ve been friends since- hm, well I don’t remember but it’s been a while now. We’re always going on these crazy adventures together!”

“We are not-” they sighed, putting their head in their hand before looking back up. “We are not friends. This man is a criminal, he stole a very powerful wand from the Wizard Committee and I’m here to take it back.”

“I thought all wizards had wands,” Ethan chimed in.

“What are you- no! This isn’t some fairytale, this man is a thief!" 

"But you have a wand." 

"Why are we still talking about wands?! And this is a cane, by the way,” Dark objected, waving at them with the cane in their hand. They were clearly getting frustrated at this point. They took a breath in an attempt to calm down. “I know this is all really amazing, learning magic exists and all but you have to listen to me. This man is dangerous, that wand is dangerous. If you aren’t careful, someone will get hurt.”

The four mundanes went silent, shooting each other nervous glances. It was then Wilford moved past Amy and Tyler to stand in front of Dark. “And you say I’m the theatrical one. But fine,” he turned to the side, voice feigning sadness. He pulled the wand from his jacket again. “I can take a hint. If you don’t want me around I’ll just leave." 

"I won’t let you get away!” Dark lunged forward, Wilford just managing to take a step out of their reach and behind the small crowd of mundanes. Dark tried shoving past them, only for Tyler to grab them and pull them away.

“You need to calm down, I’m sure we can solve this without fighting!” Kathryn said as Dark managed to wrestle out of Tyler’s grip and towards Wilford, a few red sparks beginning to fly off their fingertips. 

“No! I’ve lost too many goddamn chances, I’m not letting you help him get away from me this time!” Dark shouted as a sudden surge of magic burst from their hand in the form of a small ball barreling straight toward Wilford. Everyone jumped back and just barely dodged out of the way, except for Wilford who simply tripped backward into another one of his portals which quickly closed behind him. The remaining group watched in shock as Dark stumbled to the ground, yelling in a combination of pain and frustration.

“Dude, are you okay?”

“Damn it!” Dark yelled, pulling themselves up. “No, I am not okay! Do you have any idea how long I’ve been trying to catch that thief?!” They gritted their teeth, grabbing their hand. 

“Are you alright?” Ethan stepped forward. “Did you hurt yourself?”

Dark jerked back. “I’m fine,” they spat. “I swear, if I ever see any of you talking to Warfstache again, I’ll have you arrested for obstruction of justice. Now stay out of my way.” They shifted their attention from their shaking hand to their watch, which promptly started flashing red and blue. They then shoved past Ethan, slipping into the nearby alleyway.

Amy quickly followed after them, hoping to ask them a few more questions about the wizarding world; but by the time she made it in the alleyway, they were already stepping through a blue and gold portal. She managed to catch a glimpse of a shining room and a man in a blue suit before the portal disappeared altogether, taking with it her hope for answers.

.

.

.

Mark was sitting on his living room couch when his friends arrived, looking a little shaken. “Hey,” he stood up, sensing their unease. “Are you guys alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s alright. How’d the audition go?” Amy gave a smile.

“The audition was fine, but I can tell something’s wrong. What happened after I left?”

“That’s a long story,” Tyler mumbled. “You’re not going to believe it.”

Mark just smiled. “I’ve seen a lot of weird things in my life. Trust me, I’ll believe it.”

The four looked between each other, none of them wanted to say it. Amy sighed, speaking up. “We met a wizard.”

Mark let out a reluctant chuckle, not sure if it was a joke or not. “You met… a wizard?" 

"See, you don’t believe it!” Tyler said.

“I’m not joking,” Amy continued, looking down to avoid eye contact with Mark. “This guy named Wilford with pink hair and a wand appeared out of an alleyway and said he was a wizard. Of course, we didn’t believe him at first but then he started opening these portals, it was unbelievable! Then another wizard showed up, saying Wilford was a fugitive from this Wizard Council-”

“Committee,” Kathryn cut in. 

“Right, Committee, sorry. They got into a fight with magic, real magic! Wilford disappeared into a portal before the other wizard could catch him. It was insane, you probably think I’m crazy- Mark?” Amy looked up, getting a look at the man across from her.

His eyes were wide with shock, and he was no longer smiling. He backed up, sitting back down on the couch. “Oh my god…” he muttered. 

“Mark, are you alright?”

“You guys are lucky, crossing a member of the Wizard Committee and not getting hurt.”

“Wait, you know about the wizards?” Ethan spoke up, exchanging glances with his friends.

Mark looked down at his hands. “It’s a long story. I can’t go into it, but there was a time in my life where I was involved with the magic world. And I was around long enough to know that you can’t trust the Committee. They’re nothing but a bunch of manipulators. They take innocent people and use them for their selfish ends before leaving them in the dirt. Only a few good ones manage to get away from their influence.”

“Well, if the Committee is as bad as you said, it’s lucky we met Wilford instead of someone else,” Ethan pointed out with an uncertain smile.

Mark didn’t smile back. “Not all wizards who leave the Committee are good, either. From your description, this Wilford guy sounds like a criminal from right before I left. He’s a murderer. He kills people without a second thought like it’s all some sick joke. I’m surprised you all made it out unscathed.”

Everyone remained silent, in shock of what Mark was telling them. “He seemed so nice…” Amy murmured. 

Mark gave a smile, a quick change from his previous grim statement. “You’re all safe. That’s what really matters. Now we can put all this wizard business behind us for good and move on. Hey, I just got that new party game and I’ve been wanting to play, we could-”

“I want to know more,” Amy said.

“You- what?”

“Mark, you can’t expect me to find out that there’s a magical society of wizards out there and just pretend nothing happened. I want to know more about magic, and something tells me you know more than you’re letting on.”

“It’s too dangerous, I don’t want any of you getting hurt. Besides, even if I wanted to, it’s been years. I don’t know…” he glanced up at his friends and realized that none of them were going to drop the topic any time soon. He sighed. “You really want to know more?”

“Yes,” Amy said, the others voicing their agreement.

Mark ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “Alright, fine. I’ll teach you about the wizarding world, but you can’t tell anyone. Not even your families. It will just make you all targets for the Committee. I need you to promise me you won’t say anything.”

“I promise.”

“I promise.”

“I promise.”

“I prom- wait, I can’t even tell Spencer?”

“Ethan.”

“Okay, okay, I’m joking. I promise." 

With that, Mark began to relax. He stood up from the couch, "Alright, let me get some old books out of the attic and I can start teaching you guys about magic. I’ll be back.” He walked across the room to the stairs, smiling to himself a little before disappearing upstairs.

[thevampirediariesdiary]

2.07 Masquerade (part I)

There’s a lot of plotty-nonsense in this episode, so let’s consider the alternate title for this recap “The Vampire Diaries, and How To Have a Satisfying Arc Finale, Unlike Other Shows I Could Name (I’m Looking At You, Teen Wolf)”.

The episode begins in the Salvatore living room, where Caroline relates to Stefan the message Katherine asked her to deliver (she already told Damon, because he was the only person home when she got there, and at this point in the narrative they’re still lowkey friends, he gave her a drink to calm her nerves and everything): “Tell Damon and Stefan that I want the moonstone, and I will rip this town apart until it rains blood.  Tonight, at the masquerade ball.”  “Killing Mason threw her off guard,” Stefan says.  “She’s running scared, what she did to Jenna was desperate, she’s out of tricks,” Damon says.  “Can’t we just give her the moonstone so she’ll leave?” Caroline asks.  “No,” Damon says, indignant, “Katherine’s not getting dick.  I’ve had it. I’m gonna go to the masquerade ball, and I’m gonna kill her, tonight.”  “You’re not gonna kill her,” Stefan says.  Damon points at him, says, “Don’t give me that goody-goody crap.”  “You’re not gonna kill her,” Stefan repeats.  “Oh, really,” Damon says.  “Because I am,” Stefan says.

Meanwhile, Elena, Jeremy, and Matt are bringing Jenna home from the hospital.  “You don’t wanna rip your stitches, hemorrhage, and die,” Jeremy says, helpfully.  “The only thing I’m going to die of is embarrassment,” Jenna says.  “I walked into a knife, how does somebody do that?” “It was a freak accident,” Elena says, nervously. “It happens,” Jeremy adds. “Yeah,” says Matt, deadpan, “I’ve done it like twenty times at the Grille.” Everyone laughs.  “Yeah, I’m being nice,” Matt admits, and gently deposits Jenna on the sofa.

Matt is a good, good boy, and Jenna is an angel. “What are we going to do about Katherine?” Jeremy hisses to Elena in the next room.  “She tried to kill Jenna, we can’t let her get away with that.”  “Yes, we can,” Elena says.  “If it keeps us safe then we can.  Katherine hurt Jenna because I wasn’t doing what she said. Well, I am now.  Me and Stefan are over, she wins.  The end.”  “You’re being naïve and you know it,” Jeremy tells her, and backs out of the room.  “Where are you going?” Elena asks him.  “Out,” he says, calling to Jenna, “I’ll be back!” This is a weirdly good episode for Jeremy.  He’s mature and fairly sensible for basically the whole thing.

Katherine has been shopping, and her kindly landlady Miss Flowers helps her carry her bags up to her room.  Katherine’s friend Lucy is waiting for her there; we learn Lucy is a witch, Katherine wants her to come to the masquerade with her, and Lucy is dubiously free in this matter.  Everybody has now said “masquerade ball, tonight” approximately a million times.  Katherine straightens her hair and complains that she has to impersonate “dull-as-dishwater” Elena, who has no taste.  “Except in men,” Lucy says.  The early seasons of this show are hilarious because all the side characters are always like “ooooh those Salvatores are so sexy and impressive”, whereas by the end of the show side characters are more like “oh no, it’s those pretty-boy guys who famously bring chaos wherever they go”.    

Bonnie arrives at the Salvatore house, having rushed over with her grimoire.  “I got Stefan’s message,” she tells Caroline, and stops short when she sees Damon and Alaric pal-ing it out over a pile of weapons. “What’s going on?” she asks.  “We’re gonna kill Katherine,” Jeremy says, walking by her looking tough.  He pauses to give her a weird once-over, and wanders off to join the bro-fest.  “I can explain,” Stefan says.  “Please,” Bonnie says expectantly.

“We’re…gonna kill Katherine,” Stefan admits.  “I know you love Elena and you wanna be with her, but it’s risky, too many people could get hurt!” Bonnie argues.  “Look, I want Elena back, yes, but it’s more than that,” Stefan says. “What Katherine did to Jenna, it crossed the line, she has to be stopped before it happens again.”  Bonnie agrees to do a spell trapping Katherine, isolated away from the rest of the party, like the spell at the tomb.

Elena invites Matt to hang out with her, Jenna, and Alaric for pizza and bad tv; he says he’s going to the Lockwood masquerade party, there’s something he has to do there that he can’t talk about.  “Well, have fun,” says Elena.  “Yeah, me in a suit?” Matt says, self-deprecating.  “You look good in a suit,” Elena tells him. He smiles at her, soft, and says, “You and Stefan will work it out.”  “Um, I don’t think so,” Elena says in a small voice.  “There’s so much about me and Stefan that would never work.”  Matt steps closer, tells her, “You know I’m here for you always.”

He’s really over her, and he really, really still loves her.  Matt is a hero among men.

The war council at the Salvatores’ continues.

Damon is posing; google earth, always takin’ pics.  “Are you sure you don’t want me there tonight?” Alaric asks the assembled strike team.  “No, I need you to stay with Elena, I don’t want her to know about this,” Stefan instructs.  Jeremy looks at the floor; he knows how it feels to be kept in the dark, and he isn’t a fan of it, but he says nothing.  “Alright, if anyone wants to back out, I’ll understand,” Stefan says. “Yeah, cold feet, speak now,” Damon says, “I don’t want this going wrong because someone chickens out – Caroline.”  “I won’t,” Caroline says, firm. “She killed me! Fair’s fair.”  “Bonnie?” asks Stefan. “You with us?”  Bonnie nods, shakily.  “But no one gets hurt,” she says.  “Except Katherine!” Damon adds. “Tonight Katherine gets a stake through her heart.” Everyone gets an individual Dramatic Closeup.  Except Alaric.  His part in the plan, eating pizza and watching tv with his girlfriend, isn’t important enough to merit a closeup.

Katherine and Lucy arrive at the party, and Katherine runs into Matt.  “You really are hot in a suit,” she tells him.  He grins bashfully, and then she asks him to repeat his compelled instructions: “I’m going to get Tyler Lockwood really drunk, I’m gonna start a fight with him, and then I’m going to beat him until he snaps.  I won’t stop until he kills me.”  “God, you’re hot,” Katherine says.  “Now go away.”  “Thank you,” Matt says, polite as always.

Damon does a weird little dance down the stairs to meet up with his brother.

It’s ridiculous, and hilarious, and totally in-character for what Damon would be doing a few minutes before killing the once-love-of-his-life, and it might be the best part of this whole episode, which is excellent from start to finish.  “See her?” he asks.  “Nope,” Stefan says, shortly.  He’s not in a dancing mood (but then, when is he ever).  “Sure you can do this?” Stefan asks.  “Pssh,” Damon answers. “Who are you talking to?”  “Well, I had the chance to kill her and I hesitated,” Stefan says. “Well, that is the fork in the road between you and me, my friend,” says Damon, attempting to look dangerous in his butterfly mask, “I don’t hesitate.”  “You spent a hundred and forty-five years loving her,” Stefan points out, “it could happen.”  “I won’t hesitate,” Damon repeats.

Matt feeds Tyler shots, they’re hanging out with those two girls who are always hanging around and whose names I can never remember.  

Bonnie and Jeremy stake out a convenient room in the upstairs of the mansion – I say “stake out” because Jeremy is hiding wooden stakes all around it, and I’m hilarious.  “Can you do all the stuff that’s in there?” Jeremy asks, looking at the grimoire.  “I mean, it takes practice,” Bonnie answers. “I’ve worked on some small spells, spells that only do good, but I don’t wanna know too much.  I don’t particularly enjoy any of this, in case you haven’t noticed.”  “But you’re one hundred percent witch, that is so cool,” Jeremy says.  “It’s anything but cool,” Bonnie says. “It never ends well for people like me.”  “If you feel that way, why help?” Jeremy asks. “Because I don’t want anyone else getting hurt,” Bonnie answers. “And I don’t know how to stay out of it.”

“I feel like an invalid,” Jenna whines, as Elena fetches her mug from the coffee table a foot away.  “That’s because you are an invalid,” Elena tells her.  “Where’s Jeremy, isn’t he hungry?”  “He already left, for the Lockwood party,” Jenna says.  “He went to that?” Elena says, spidey-senses tingling.  “I’m glad,” Jenna says, oblivious, “he needs to have more fun, lose some of that emo-thing.” Elena confronts Alaric, whose cover story falls apart immediately because he concedes that everyone is at the party, and too many people in Elena’s immediate group of friends would only attend a party if there were a violent plot involved.  

Bonnie and Jeremy reenter the party, she asks, “Do you feel that?”  “What’s the matter, are you cold?” Jeremy asks, placing a hand on her back and practically vibrating with the hope that he’ll get to give her his suit jacket.  “No,” she says, and goes over to tap Lucy on the shoulder.  Lucy says no, they don’t know each other, and wanders off.  “I just got a weird vibe,” Bonnie tells Jeremy, “let’s go find Damon.” Because Damon is the king of weird vibes.

Stefan scans the party for Katherine; Digital Daggers’ “Head Over Heels” starts to play.  It’s eery and wonderful.  Katherine appears behind Stefan, says, “Dance with me.”  He turns to look at her, that particular, almost playfully dangerous glint in his eye that only comes out around her.

“No,” he says.  “Fine,” she says, bored. “Then tell me who I should kill.  Him?  Or…mmm, she looks delicious.”  Stefan rolls his eyes, smiles, and offers her his arm, and leads her to the dance floor. It’s difficult to say which of them looks more smug.  “It’s a beautiful night,” Katherine coos in her Elena impression.  Stefan chuckles ominously, asks, “Why the charade?”  “How’s Jenna?” Katherine asks.  “I certainly didn’t expect her to survive that.  Lucky girl.  Clumsy.  How does one stab oneself?”  “Katherine?” Stefan says.  “Hmm?”  “I don’t want anyone to get hurt tonight.”  “Okay,” she says, reasonably, “then give me the moonstone and nobody will.”  “Well, see, I don’t have the moonstone on me,” Stefan says, oh-so-smoothly, “so you and I will have to go get it together.”  “I have a better plan,” Katherine says, impatiently. “You go fetch it, and I will try not to kill anyone in the meantime.”  “My way, or you don’t get it,” Stefan says.  One of the girls whose name I can’t remember comes over and asks Stefan if he’s seen Matt, and compliments “Elena”’s dress.  Katherine pretends she’s going to fix a twist in the girls necklace, and instead breaks her back.  “Paralyzed from the waist down,” she says, matter of fact, “and – dead.”  Stefan catches the body, shocked.  “The moonstone, Stefan,” Katherine says. “Tick tock.”  Side note: remember how in Miss Mystic Falls they shot Elena and Stefan’s dance scene in alternate individual closeups, and the Damon and Elena dance scene with both of their faces in frame simultaneously?  Both Katherine and Stefan are in frame the entire dance.  

Make of that what you will. 

Elena sneaks out; Alaric is a terrible bodyguard. 

Stefan starts to spiral, and says collateral damage like whats-her-name (I’m so sorry) is why they should call the whole thing off.  “Now who’s hesitating?” Damon says harshly.  “Hey, this woman ruined our lives, she destroyed us.  Tonight it ends.”  He takes Stefan’s shoulders, looks at him intently.

“We can do it together,” Damon says quietly. “I got your back.  Alright?” “Alright,” Stefan says.  It’s so big brother-little brother it hurts.

“So can you do a hocus-pocus to ace a test?” Jeremy asks Bonnie, twirling his cell phone and waiting for his cue.  “I don’t know that spell,” Bonnie says.  “That’d be like the first one I’d learn,” Jeremy says, “or maybe like a sex spell or something, I don’t know.”  Bonnie is quietly alarmed at this turn in the conversation.  “You wanna dance or something while we’re waiting?” Jeremy continues.  “No,” says Bonnie, laughing.

“I mean…no thank you,” Bonnie amends. Jeremy gets the text from Damon he’s been waiting for, and strides off.

Lucy finds Katherine and complains that there’s another witch involved.  “No one was supposed to know I was involved, this changes things,” she says.  “This changes nothing,” Katherine says. “You’re here because you owe your dear friend a favor. You wouldn’t wanna lose my friendship, now would you?”  “Elena?” says Jeremy, coming over.  “Could I talk to my sister?” he asks Lucy, politely.  Lucy wanders off.  “What is it, Jeremy?” Katherine says, Elena-bright.  “I have a message from Stefan,” Jeremy says. “He and Damon want you to meet them at the edge of the lake by the woods; they brought the moonstone.”  “And why are you their little messenger?” Katherine says derisively.  Jeremy grins, says, “Because they know I’m not afraid of you.”  “Oh, you Gilbert men.  So courageous,” says Katherine, mocking. “How’s John, by the way? Were they able to sew his fingers back on?”  She and Jeremy part, Jeremy texts Caroline “your turn” and promptly gets pulled into the bushes by his actual sister.

In the party, Caroline and Matt exchange longing looks while the band in the soundtrack wails “I understand if you’re afraid, but people change”.

It’s very affecting, but then Matt follows his drinking buddies back into the late mayor’s office, and Caroline has her own part to play. She goes off on her own and is promptly cornered by Katherine, who slams her against a wall and asks her what’s going on.  “I don’t know,” Caroline says, weakly, “nothing.”  “Don’t lie to me, Caroline,” Katherine says, grabbing her by the throat, “they’re up to something, what is it?” “I –” Caroline says; Katherine squeezes, and something in her neck cracks.  “Wait, no no no,” Caroline pleads, then admits: “They’re trying to kill you.”  “I figured as much,” Katherine says, “where’s the moonstone?”  “Bonnie has it,” Caroline says, sounding defeated.  “And where is Bonnie right now?” Katherine asks, imitating her voice. “I don’t know,” Caroline snaps. Katherine picks her up by the neck again, Caroline breaks: “She’s upstairs!” 

“You guys are trying to kill her here?” Elena says, disbelieving.  “We saw an opportunity and we knew we had to take it,” says Jeremy, who is clearly feeling like James Bond in his suit.  “Okay, stop with the ‘we’,” Elena says. “Are you guys crazy, you’re going to get yourselves killed!”  “We know what we’re doing, Elena,” Bonnie assures her.  “And how am I supposed to feel if one of you guys gets hurt because of me?” Elena asks.  “It’s not just you, Elena,” Jeremy says, coolly. “She’s messed with all of us, she needs to be stopped.”  Bonnie nods. My one and only complaint with this episode is that Bonnie is in this short little scene – she doesn’t contribute anything to the conversation, and her presence ruins the suspense for what’s going on with Caroline.

“Why are you dragging me into this, I don’t want any part of it!” Caroline sobs as Katherine pulls her through the upstairs hallway.  “Shut up,” Katherine says. “Which room is it?”  Caroline sniffs, says miserably, “It’s that one.”  Katherine kicks her way through the double doors and says, “Where is she?” There’s a giggle behind her; she turns back around.  Caroline is beaming.  “I did it!” she says.  “I didn’t think I’d be able to fool…you, but…I did it.”  Katherine lunges at her, but is trapped in the doorway.  “What the?”

“Stefan,” Katherine says, and turns around.  “Hello, Katherine,” says Stefan, tauntingly.  “Goodbye, Katherine,” says Caroline more tauntingly, gives her a wiggly-fingered wave, and saunters off.  Go Caroline!! Stefan twirls his stake; Katherine says, “You don’t really think you can kill me with that?”  “No,” Stefan says, watching Damon emerge from the closet behind her with Alaric’s compressed-air stake gun, “but he can.”  

Damon shoots Katherine in the back, and out on the lawn, Elena screams. Stefan lunges for Katherine and catches her in the arm; Elena’s arm starts to bleed.  “Jeremy, it’s Katherine, she’s linked to Katherine!” Bonnie realizes. “Get them to stop!”  The best freaking vampire fight this show has ever seen continues – seriously, they upped the fight choreography so much for this episode and I love them for it.  Stefan throws a stake at Katherine, she whirls and it hits the wall behind her; he throws another, she catches it and throws it back at him.  There’s a horrible moment when Katherine’s gripping Damon’s arm and forcing his own stake toward his heart before Stefan grabs her from behind and throws them both onto the floor.

I haven’t seen the finale but I’m pretty sure it ends just like this??  Damon lunges.

Jeremy runs into the doorway and shouts, “Stop! You’re hurting Elena!  Everything you’re doing to her is hurting Elena.”  (This line will forever make me think of this spectacular fic.)  Damon’s face crumples.

He did hesitate - but not because he loves Katherine.

“You think you’re the only ones with a witch on your side?” Katherine says, getting up. “Wrong.  And something tells me my witch is better than your witch.”  Stefan sends Jeremy to check on Elena.  “Let’s make sure poor Elena’s okay,” Katherine complains, and cuts her own palm open with a stake.  Stefan smacks it out of her hand.  “Bonnie, it hurts,” Elena says.  “I can’t break the spell, Elena, but I can try to take some of the pain away,” Bonnie says, and begins chanting.  (I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: the fact that tvd witches have apparently no spells for healing is the most bullshit plot contrivance ever – healing is totally coherent with the whole “looking after the balance” thing witches are supposedly called to do, and the only reason healing spells don’t exist is because then nobody would ever have to drink vampire blood and nobody would ever accidentally become a vampire.)  Katherine finds another stake, goes to stab herself in the stomach.  “Wait!” growls Damon.

“Okay,” she says, taking a seat and crossing her legs dramatically. “How ‘bout that moonstone?”

part two here

[cupcakemolotov]

Say I Do

written for @howeverlongs. Sorry this isn’t the regency fic, its still being grumpy. Hopefully you don’t mind this little AH instead. :)

warnings: drinking, discussions of sex, post-vegas marriage style

The kitchen was a mess. Her iPad was still sitting askew from where it’d been left when Klaus’ sister had come barging in. There were papers spread across the island, and a folder that someone had sloppily written her name across the top. It was like they’d never heard of a label maker and it was an annoyance on top of irritation.

Caroline picked up the wine bottle off the counter  and refilled her glass. She didn’t bother worrying about ounces and just poured until the wine was a breath away from spilling over. Across from her was the much more politely poured wine glass that didn’t even have the remains of Rebekah’s lipstick on the rim. That should have been her first warning. Caroline hadn’t learned much about Klaus’ siblings yet but they seemed to all enjoy a good drink.

The sound of keys twisting the lock were somewhat familiar now, and a sound she’d come to look forward too. She was lucky that her work could be done remotely, and her freelance editing was slowly becoming more and more reliable. But the flat was still strangely quiet when she was alone and she looked forward to Klaus’ return.

Usually.

Caroline held up one finger as Klaus stepped through the door. Without bothering to even look in his direction she hefted her glass and chugged. It was a need for air that had her putting the glass to the side. Sucking in a deep breath, she mentally apologized to the remains of the Malbec that really deserved better. The head rush cleared after a moment and Caroline wished she dared downing the rest in an attempt to get drunk.

That was what had gotten her into this mess in the first place.

Finally glancing over at her husband, Caroline glared at him. He’d worn a suit to his meeting that day, and it was slightly rumpled from what looked like a long day. His tie was loose around his neck and his hair looked like he’d run his fingers through it a half dozen times. She’d gotten used to the low pangs of arousal that seeing Klaus in a variety of strangely domestic poses wrought, but it hadn’t blunted the impact just yet. Klaus rumpled, holding the take out order in one hand with a concerned expression was hot.

It didn’t lesson her irritation.  “I told you this was a bad idea.”

Klaus arched a brow as his eyes scanned the kitchen, face inscrutable. “I see we had company. One of my intrepid siblings?”

“Your sister,” Caroline said scathingly.

His lips pressed tightly together for a moment and he set down the food to shrug out of his suit jacket. She took a second, smaller swig of wine when he unwound his tie before approaching the counter to settled the food on the island.

“And what did Rebekah want?”

“Before or after she accused me of entrapment?” Caroline growled, nails rapping sharply against the granite. “There was a rather ridiculous claim of blackmail. What exactly does your family think you do that some could blackmail you?”

Klaus hummed and snatched her wine glass, taking his own drink while she watched him from narrowed eyes. “I couldn’t say?”

She snorted. “She didn’t believe me when I said this was your fault.”

A brow arched as he handed her the glass. “How unexpected.”

Caroline propped a hand on her hip and scowled. “Are you taking this seriously? Your family things I’m some sort of southern honey trap and they dug up our marriage certificates.”

“Of course I am,” Klaus said in a surprisingly patient tone. “Rebekah is a fair bit dramatic, but I suppose she means well. I had hoped it’d take longer for the circumstances to come out, but there isn’t much that can be done now.”

Caroline reached for the bottle of wine. She should never have allowed him to coax her into spending the stretch of time of their paperwork being processed on a different continent. Embarrassed, horrified and just imagining the look on her mother’s face, she’d agreed out of desperation to avoid the judgement she’d known was headed her way. The moment she stepped foot in Mystic Falls it would have been all over the town, and she just couldn’t deal with it after the Tyler debacle.

She’d thought she might as well take a chance to travel instead of hiding in her childhood bedroom and dying from mortification, right?

They were a week and a half into the three week process for the annulment and not for the first time did she wonder about past-Caroline’s insanity. Vegas was supposed to have been a chance for her to shake off the lingering sharp edges of her broken engagement. But Bonnie had come down with food poisoning and been unable to go, and Elena had spent so much time calling Damon. There was just only so much girlfriend-voice Caroline could take before clawing out her eardrums, so she’d finally just headed down to the casinos on her own.

The very last people she’d have ever expected to run into had been Marcel and Klaus. Marcel had been an old drinking/study buddy from college who’d dated in her circle of friends, but had never really longed for her. They’d become the kind if Facebook friends who messaged when in the same city, but they rarely had deep discussions about anything.

Klaus was a friend of Marcel’s she had known peripherally for nearly as long. Early on she’d lamented once or twice that they’d never been single at the same time, but after meeting Tyler she had brushed her tiny crush to the side. He’d eventually moved back across the pond and she’d gotten engaged.

Then the first time she’d seen him in years and they’d gotten shit faced drunk and married. Caroline honestly wished she could remember who’d even suggested it. It would have made blaming someone, him or herself, so much easier.

Marcel had been zero help. He’d apparently abandoned them to their own devices when they’d started doing more than just casually flirting. He’d barely managed to avoid laughing at them the next morning, but at least had the decency to send apologies flowers later.

Caroline had learned a fair bit about her current and  temporary husband over the years, but nothing concrete. She knew he made what was apparently good money off his paintings, that he came from a large family he only seemed to tolerate on good days, and that Rebekah was his favorite. She’d know he was hot and biting smart, but she’d always been leary digging deeper least she really like what she’d found.

Now she was sharing his bed.

Caroline sighed and nudged the wineglass in his direction. It wasn’t really his fault that his siblings were occasional jerks. “How did they even find out about this?”

The paperwork on the table was definitely a copy of documentation they should have. She barely even remembered what the marriage certificate looked like. But scrawl was definitely hers if mostly drunken, and it was really annoying that Klaus’ handwriting was still so much neater than her own. It was weird seeing physical proof that she was married.

To Klaus.

She didn’t even have a ring.

“I imagine Kol helped dig it up,” Klaus said with his own sigh as he set the wine to the side. “It’s an unfortunate hobby of his.”

Caroline worried her lip. “Kol is the one who doesn’t let things go, likes to bring out embarrassing stories at family dinners?”

“That’s the one. Still, I’ll make it clear that you aren’t to be bothered. It should keep the rest of them out of your hair, although Elijah might take it upon himself to try to wrangle us to dinner. He’ll want to drone on about financials, I imagine.”

“Oh my god, is that why Rebekah was bitching about a lack of prenup?” She threw up her hands. “She had the audacity to ask me if I was pregnant.”

A slashing glance that held more self-depreciating amusement than annoyance. “I imagine next I’ll be hearing from my mother.”

Caroline blanched. “Oh no.”

Klaus laughed softly then and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I knew the risks when I invited you here.”

She covered her face with one hand. “I don’t know why I didn’t think that through. Of course your family would wonder about someone who is basically a stranger living in your flat. Your large family.”

“Blame the hangover, but if my memory serves you weren’t an easy sell. And you’re not a stranger are you?” Klaus’ gaze glittered. “You’re my wife.”

“Only for another two weeks, tops.” Caroline reminded him in exasperation. She poked him in the side. “You swore you submitted the paperwork. You can’t break a pinky promise, Klaus.”

The baffled expression on his face when she’d hooked his fingers with hers was one she’d remember clearly for years. She might have been still slightly drunk at the time, but Klaus has been surprisingly sweet about the whole thing while she’d freaked out. It’d probably why she gotten on a plane with him.

Klaus clearly bit back a smile, but his words were somber. “So I did.”

“Good.” She nodded once and hesitated. “Why is your family freaking out about money?”

Klaus shrugged a shoulder as he reached for their dinner. “I sold a few painting recently. I am curious though. Rebekah isn’t the type to give up easily. I’m surprised she wasn’t waiting for me to harangue us both. How did you manage?”

She pursed her lips, cheeks heating. Glancing up at the ceiling she refused to look at him. “I told her I was in it for the sex.”

There was a brief pause, and she swallowed at the way his voice deepened. “Did you?”

Deciding to brazen it out even with her face burning, Caroline glanced at him. His eyes had darkened, lips slightly parted as he watched her and she stiffened to hide the shiver that raced across her skin. For ten days they’d shared his bed and lived in each other’s lives, but Caroline had vetoed sex. It was bad enough that she had to sleep next to the heat of him, the mingled scent of his preferred cologne and soap lingering on the sheets.

Caroline didn’t know how he was dealing with the tension but she’d tucked away a small, discrete purchase. Her only complaint was his flat lacked a bath. Taking a deep breath, she pushed away those thoughts until tomorrow when she could actual do something about them.

“Yup. Siblings don’t really seem to enjoy hearing about each other’s sex lives.” She waved her hand. “A few explicit details and she couldn’t scatter fast enough.”

His lips curved just high enough to carve out a dimple, and Caroline’s toes curled into the floor. “I thought you didn’t remember much of our marriage night, hmm?”

She didn’t. What she did recall was in mere flashes. His uneven breath on her skin. The sting of his teeth on the curve of her breast. Her name ragged on his tongue. It’d been drunk, sloppy sex but it’d clearly worked for her at some point.

“I may have exaggerated,” she said with a shrug. “You’re welcome.”

Instead of laughing as she’d have expected, Klaus crowded closer, his gaze unblinking. “Tell me Caroline, are you satisfied with that?”

She licked her lip, fingers curling into her palms as his gaze tracked the movement. “What are you asking?”

“You moaned my name last night.”

Her face went hot and Caroline fervently wished she’d drank more of the wine. She wasn’t even tipsy, and she wasn’t prepared for this kind of situation when sober. She made a low noise of embarrassment and he caught her elbow lightly to keep her from backing away. The heat in his gaze hadn’t lessened, and his eyes dragged along her embarrassed face with what might have been affection.

“No need for such mortification, love. I’ve struggled to keep your name off my lips more times that I’d usually care to admit when I’ve had my hand wrapped around my cock in the shower.” His fingers grazed her skin as his hand fell away, and that patch of skin burned. “It’s a bit of a relief to know I’m not suffering alone.”

The heat in her cheeks didn’t lessen at his words, and it worsened the burn low in her belly. Taking a deep breath, she shook her head slowly. “Sex complicates things.”

“Oh, I agree that this situation is plenty complicated. But wanting you isn’t.”

Caroline blinked. “What?”

His brow arched. “I am not spontaneous, Caroline, and rarely am I reckless. Obstinate, certainly. I’m sure you’ve picked up on a number of flaws these past ten days. You’re organized, methodical, and you hate surprises. Aren’t you at least a tiny bit curious why we drunkenly agreed to get married?”

The glib answer of temporary insanity wouldn’t move past her lips. Not with the way he was watching her, his words hanging between them. “It’s been ten days. Why bring this up now?”

“Because our marriage will be annulled, we both agree that is for the best. Any commitment made should be done sober and with full awareness.”

She nodded slowly.

Klaus’ hand lifted and his thumb smoothed across her chin. “But I’m loath to let you simply disappear from my life. Again.”

Caroline’s brows drew sharply together. “What do you mean again? You were always dating when we hung out.”

“So were you.”

She pursed her lips and considered that she might not have been the only one quietly harboring feelings. Shaking her head clear of thoughts that she could analyze later, she cleared her throat. “So what, you want to date?”

“To start,” Klaus agreed easily. “But right now? We both need to eat and then we can talk about the myriad of questions I know you have. We’ve both been avoiding certain topics, and I think it’s time to clear the air. Because regardless of what this becomes, you being here is hardly a bad idea.”

She swallowed and hesitantly nodded. Ten more days or so, and if things went terrible she could put an ocean between them and never look back. A large part of her was still mortified by both the marriage and his bringing up her saying his name, but the rest of her was really intrigued by the picture he’d painted of himself in his shower.

“Okay.”

“Good,” he murmured as he passed her chopsticks. Leaning a tad forward, he dragged his gaze along her lips and his voice dipped lower as he tumbled his next sentence. “And if at any point you rethink that stance of yours on no sex, Caroline, I’d be delighted to give you any number of stories to horrify my sister with.”

Klaus walked away then, and she stood silent with her thighs clenched tightly together, skin aching. Taking a centering breath as she grabbed her carton, she headed to the couch with a set expression. Depending on what he had to say, sex was probably very likely in their near or immediate feature. She’d only been firm about keeping things platonic when she thought she was the only hiding feelings.

That didn’t seem to be case.

That didn’t mean she had to make it easy on him.