#and Todd is fantastic ace rep that I really enjoyed watching

[captain-morgan]

So I just watched/finished all of Bojack Horseman and I just gotta say:

holy shit

Look I don’t post a lot so obviously this is just me talking to the void but I just gotta get it out.

At the moment I am and have been dealing with a lot of shit. Chronic pain, depression, anxiety, worthlessness, and the feeling like I will amount to nothing.

And watching this show was... intense. You sit there and watch episode after episode of this very flawed character become even more flawed with no sign of stopping. Bojack goes through the whole series fucking up constintly and claiming he will change but never does. You watch the show and think that this guy is the hero of the story, that everything will be alright in the end. But after the final episode you are left with the numbing reality that he is the villain.

Throughout the show I started to get less and less on Bojack’s side. I mean he literally does some horrible shit, whether it’s almost sleeping with penny to choking his co star/girlfriend while high on pain meds. He continues to do shitty things yet he never changes or gets in trouble. And that’s the point in some way I guess. The fact that he doesn’t receive any conciqences is why he never does change, despite his desperate want to.

And yet while watching it and knowing how fucked up he is, you still feel sympathy. You learn what his childhood was like. What happened to his parents. What his parents did to him. And then later what he did to Sarah Lynn. It’s the cycle of trauma. The cycle of abuse. And it’s those things that make you look at a character like Bojack and see all the fucked up shit he did, yet you feel for him cause you can understand why he is that way. But you can also understand that while still hating him because it’s not okay and it will never be okay to do what he did.

I think the episode that hit me the most in this way was “That’s too much, man”. When that episode ended and I was left with the haunting fact that Sarah Lynn died, I sat there with this unbelievable feeling of sadness and disgust. Bojack took what was essentially his daughter and killed her. He tainted her whole life. He was her father figure and fucked it up, hard.(Literally too). And after she was 9 months sober, he gets her back on her addiction and then provides her with the drugs that would eventually kill her. And yet despite loving her, he leaves her there for 17 minutes to cover his own ass before calling an ambulance.

I’m sad to say that it took me til that episode to fully realize who the fuck Bojack is. A flawed, selfish, narcissistic, asshole who keeps trying yet failing to do good. I sat there after that episode and looked back on the whole series before that and it hit me. It was all there from the very beginning. And that’s the saddest part, it’s the whole point of the show. To not notice until it’s to late.

And it’s so fucked up that that moment wasn’t even his rock bottom.

Don’t get me wrong, Bojack does do nice things in the show but those don’t negate the horrible shit he did to all the people in his life.

So, as I am watching season 6 and seeing all that shit come back to fuck him over even after he has done the work to change, it’s heartbreaking. Because everything he did to fix himself, to become better, didn’t fix the past in any way. It just made it worse when it came to surface. And that’s heartbreaking because I fully believe people can change. They can better themselves and that’s great. But it also reinforces the fact the even though you changed, the people you hurt never have to forgive you. And that’s the important part to me.

Bojack is not a good person. He never was. But he is a beautiful character. And that’s why he is so important. He’s proof that, yes, you can change but that doesn’t change anything that you have done.

So watching this show while being in such a horrible place in my life, is so fucking special. Because I get it. (Obviously not in the same way as him because holy shit he is fucked up) I’d like to change too, I want to get better. But it’s so hard, it feels like it’s impossible. So then watching a show like this and screaming internally at a character to start the process already is... depressing.

Because that’s you, you’re yelling at yourself. And yet you still have trouble doing it even though you know it’s so desperately needed.

And that’s just one of the reasons why this show is so beautiful yet horrificly tragic.

Obviously there is so much more and so many more characters to think about and learn from and that’s why it hits so hard.

Bojack Horseman is one of the best shows I’ve ever watched.

And also the show that hurt me the most