#and The Wolf just has a sexy bass line

[the-wonderful-jinx]

23 and 30 for the music ask? :)

23. A song that you think everybody should listen to

30. A song that reminds you of yourself

[ficsforeren]

The Last Song - Chapter 3

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Eren Jaeger X Female Reader

Genre: Band AU, Rockstar AU, Friends with Benefits, Angst, Smut, Fluff, Romance, Hurt/Comfort

Series Summary: Eren Jaeger has two personas, a charismatic lead vocal who has lost himself in fame, and a boy who struggles with depression, seeking for someone to bring him back to where he was twelve years ago. Where he only knew love in the form of your name.

Chapter Summary: Under the influence of alcohol, you become brave enough to tell him the things you tried to keep to yourself for years. What follows is something you never thought would happen. Something that will change your relationship with him forever.

Content Warnings:  explicit sex (cunnilingus, blow job, fingering, hand job, car sex, dry humping, drunk sex, public sex, unprotected sex, one night stand, choking, treating women like objects, dub-con, corruption, face-sitting, sex toys, daddy kink, praise kink, slight degradation, etc), substance abuse (use of drugs, alcohol, tobacco), severe abandonment issues, childhood trauma, anxiety attacks, depression, adultery, physical abuse towards men and women, family issues, abusive parents, crude words, dark humor, mention of sexual assault/rape, harassment, car accident and child abuse.

Poster art by the most talented @rainbuniart (follow her on Twitter)

“Why are you so pissed off?” You questioned the twenty-one-year-old male who was standing right outside your door. His scowl had taken most of his face, jade green eyes piercing as they bore deeply into yours.

“Look at this,” Eren bitterly said, shoving his iPad to your chest until you had to catch it with both hands before it slipped to the floor. “Our debut song just premiered last night on Spotify and Youtube.” He walked past you as you brought your gaze down to his screen, inviting himself into your room.

It was a music video for his song called “Little Monster.” The video itself wasn't too theatrical, with Eren, Reiner, and Jean all handsomely dressed in black buttoned-up shirts and leather jackets, doing what they did best with their instruments. The entire video was shot in black and white, somehow giving a more studio performance vibe rather than a short film. There were some weird camera angles thrown in, but for the most part, the video sat back and let the music shine.

(Click here if you want to hear Eren's music as you read)

The song started with a metal riff that got you hooked from the start, no matter how many times you had listened to him performing this song during gigs. Once the verse kicked in, Eren, with his hair slicked back and tied neatly in a bun, detached his grip from his bass and clutched his standing microphone with both hands.

“Hey, little monster, I got my eye on you,” he sang to the mic, his lips nearly brushing against it as he stared straight into the camera with striking eyes. “Where are you going, where you running to?” He was overflowing with charisma, brimming with confidence. The camera shifted to get close-up shots of Jean and Reiner performing before it drifted back to the singer once more.

“Hey little monster, you know it's all okay.” There was a smile on Eren’s handsome face, too innocent to be displayed, but once he sang the next line, “I'm gonna love ya, no matter what you say,” he shredded every bit of that innocence away, turning it into a smirk that caught you off guard, you had to clear your throat to snap yourself back to reality.

I've got love on my fingers

Lust on my tongue

You say you got nothing,

So come out and get some

Heartache to Heartache,

I'm your wolf, I'm your man

I say run little monster,

Before you know who I am

Eren was so captivating, so alluring, so… dangerous. And the song was equally as dark as it was sexy, reeked of masculinity and his charm. Just watching the video and listening to the song at the same time already felt like a wild ride.

By the time you were finished with the video, you noticed the number of views written below. “Wait, one million views already?!” You gaped unattractively in disbelief. “How—I mean—“

“Yeah,” Eren confirmed, didn’t sound pleased at the very least. He took a seat at the edge of your bed, throwing himself down to the sheets with the loudest sigh you had ever heard coming from him.

“But, Eren, that’s insane!” You were about to join him on the bed when you got interrupted by Petra’s girly shriek.

“Oh my God!” She yelled as she just got out of the bathroom, tightening her towel around her body with eyes wide open in shock. “Eren, what are you doing here?!”

The boy sat up a little just to give her a blank stare and a nonchalant wave of his hand. He muttered a quick, “Hi, Petra,” before he threw himself back to the bed, not paying the slightest attention to the half-naked girl standing in front of him. Petra directed her rage to you instead, shooting ice daggers with her eyes until you winced, not knowing what else to do but mouthed, “I’m sorry. He’s not feeling well.”

“Ugh, I hate you two!” In a rush, she grabbed her clothes from the closet and went back to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

“You owe Petra an apology,” you scolded him.

Eren rubbed his eyes like a drowsy little boy. “Yeah. Later.” He seemed so exhausted, more mentally than physically, so it seemed, and that worried you because Eren had never reacted this way when it came to his music. He was always passionate about it, relentless. And his debut song just received more than a million views on Youtube, so why was he not ecstatic about it?

You went back to his iPad, flicking your index finger across the screen. As you scrolled down, you scanned through the comments.

Look at the way he sings. His voice, his body language. He looks like he’s seducing his mic. Never wanted to be a microphone this much in my life, goddamn.

The one with the man bun is hotter than a metal slide in the summer.

Honestly, at this point, he can sing Ba Ba Black Sheep to me and I’d still suck his dick.

His smile in the beginning went from “I’ll bring your daughter back home before 10” to “Your daughter calls me daddy too” real quick.

I just looked it up and his name is Eren Jaeger. Boy just turned 21 and he's already looking like a snack.

“Oh…” Your shoulder sagged in realization. Though you found the comment section to be quite hilarious, it was also quite degrading when you pictured yourself in his shoes. He was a musician. This was the song he spent weeks trying to perfect so he could meet people’s expectations and stand above the rest. And now, he was noticed but not by his song, not by his music, not by his art, but simply by his looks. You could only imagine how he’d feel reading this. “Eren—”

“Yeah.” Eren draped an arm over his eyes. “No one gives a fuck about my music. I know.”

Nibbling on your bottom lip, you took a side next to him, legs dangling over the edge of your bed. “Well, they’re all nice comments, though,” you tried to cheer him up, only to be shouted at in return.

“Nice comments?!” He sat up abruptly, grabbing the iPad back from you and angrily scrolling through the comments. “Nice com—They’re saying sexual stuff about my face! Look at this shit!”

“Wait, no,” you stopped him, largening the screen to focus on one comment. “Here’s one that compliments on your skill. Look at how he plays that riff. What a talent. He’s so good with his hands. I wonder how good his fingers will feel like when they get into my—” You switched off the iPad before he can see the rest. “Okay, so yeah, sexual stuff,” you finished your sentence in regret. “Eren, I’m sorry.”

At that moment, Petra came out of the bathroom, all dressed in sweat pants and an oversized pink shirt. “I thought I heard music,” she said.

“Yeah,” you answered, “Eren’s song just came out on YouTube and it got, like, a million views already.”

“What—seriously?! Let me see!” She snatched the iPad away from your hand, re-playing the music video. Once Eren appeared on camera, her eyes grew wide. “Shit, Eren, this is you?!”

With a weary voice and no strength left in his body, he murmured, “Yeah.”

“You look so fucking hot!”

Eren groaned, his deep voice rumbling through the air before he buried his face in his palms. “Just fucking kill me already.”

As she returned the iPad to you, Petra asked with a frown. “What’s wrong with him?”

You mouthed back in silence. “He’s sensitive.”

Eren steals and tosses the iPad away to his side, propping his elbows on his knees and yanked at the roots of his hair. “There’s literally no comment about my music or performance. Do we suck? Did our song sound terrible to you?”

“Oh no, of course not!” You kneeled in front of him, taking his hand. “Eren, your song is so good! I was hooked from the very first time I listened to it.”

His anger dissipated a little but not by far. He slid his hand away from your hold. “It’s fine. I don’t care.”

He didn’t look like someone who had stopped caring. You took a moment to yourself, brain spinning to come up with an idea. “Hey, cheer up,” you nudged him by the shoulder. “Let’s go somewhere.”

“It’s almost midnight.”

“Never stopped you before.”

Seeing the twinkle in your eyes, Eren couldn’t find the will to say no. “Fine.”

“Petra, I got my key,” you told your roommate as you grabbed your hoodie and tucked your phone inside the pocket of your jeans. Eren had already walked a few steps ahead, sinking too deep in his thoughts to notice that you weren’t following. “Go catch some sleep. I’m probably gonna be late.”

Petra nodded, waving her hand goodbye. “Tell your boyfriend I’m sorry if I hurt his feelings.”

“Sure—wait, he’s NOT my boyfriend!”

***

“Come on,” you tapped the spot next to you, palm pressing against the bermudagrass that covered the entire football field. There was no one around but you and him, but there was a set of floodlights that were still turned on to illuminate the field, providing enough lights for you to see his face.

“Did you bring some beer with you?” He grumbled. “I don’t want to lie down and get my jeans dirty without having a—”

“Oh my God, just sit already.” You pulled harshly on his hand, making him tumble once before he plopped down on his behind with a groan. He was about to utter his protest when he noticed you sneaking two cans of beer from your hoodie. “Here, Princess,” you joked, shoving the can to his chest.

Once he attained it in his hand, you both clicked open the cans at the same time, taking three big gulps before you sighed into the air. “Nothing feels like having a cold beer under the starry night sky, right, Eren?”

“Stop being so cheesy, you’re embarrassing.”

“I’m trying to make you laugh,” you retorted, bumping your shoulder against his. “Look, I know it sucks that they only see you for your looks but that doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate your music.”

He took another sip, his scowl never faltered away. “It’s not even gonna be my music to begin with.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember when I told you they wanted me to re-write my songs to fit the market better?” He settled his can on the ground before he lied down on the grass, teal eyes staring blankly at the crescent moon that hovered above. “Well, they tried to listen to ‘Little Monster’ again and they thought it would be the perfect song to test the water. So we didn’t change it. We just recorded it again to sound better. But now, seeing how no one gives a fuck about my song, there’s a fat chance I’m not gonna be able to produce the same kind of music ever again.”

You followed him, settling yourself down on the earth but turning to your side so you could analyze his expression as he spoke. “But you’ll still write your own songs, right?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Then, they will still be yours.” Eren tilted his head to the side at your words, eyes peering into yours. “Eren, these songs you have now and the ones that you’re gonna write in the future—they’re the same. They all belong to you. You wrote them, you’ve poured your mind and time into them. And I’m sure you’ll do the same with the new ones too. They will have different styles and colors but it’s still going to be you. Maybe once you’ve owned a place in this industry and have many loyal fans, you can release the songs that you truly want to write.”

Eren didn’t answer right away. It wasn’t just his words that left him, his voice too. He was so lost in his thoughts, lost himself in your eyes, lost himself in the kindness that you poured into your words. The sincerity, the adoration you held for him in your eyes—he could see them. And he hoped he could see how much he adored you too. How much he loved—

Calm down, he thought, focus on what she’s saying. You were still speaking, mouth making shapes to vocalize more supportive words but he was more distracted with the shape of your lips instead of everything else. You were lying so closely, there was no one around. He could’ve just kissed you and no one would know. He could’ve just kissed you right here, right now.

His heart started to beat wildly inside his chest, causing his cheeks to turn red and he turned away, eyes glued to the stars once again before you could notice him blushing. “You’re right,” he said, clearing his throat once. “I guess I just gotta be patient for now.”

“Exactly. Things will turn out for the better, I’m sure.” You mirrored his actions, turning to your back and dragged your eyes from one star to the other. “Right now, you may not feel like your music has made an impact on people, but you have gained attention. You’ve taken your first step. I mean, come on, one million views in one night? That’s amazing.”

“Thanks.” He smiled softly now that his heartbeat had slowed down to its previous pace. “I don’t know why, but talking to you always makes me feel better somehow.”

You scrunched your nose cutely at him. “You’re very welcome. And relax, at the end of the day, there will always be one fan of yours that truly stays for your music.”

“Yeah?” He chuckled, shifting to his side, green eyes following over the curve of your nose. “I’m assuming that’s you?”

“Damn right, it’s me!” You shouted to the air. “And you don’t have to worry about me, Jaeger, ‘cause I don’t give a single fuck about,” you spun your head to catch his expression, not knowing that he was already facing you. He was so close, the tip of his nose nearly brushing against yours. Both your and his eyes were opened wide, filled with shock but even when you both held your breath, none of you broke away. “Y-your looks,” you quietly finished, couldn’t stop your eyes from drifting down to his lips. They were parted in surprise, all cherry red and soft, no one would’ve thought they belonged to a boy with the nastiest glare you’d ever seen on a person.

Eren’s eyes drooped as they glazed over your lips as well, his breathing stuttered. Time seemed to slow down as a thick tension stretched wider between you. He reached out a hand, fingers almost touching your cheek when you quickly stood up on your feet.

“A-anyway.” You kept your hands busy by wiping the grass stains off your jeans. “What I’m saying is that, if you can make me feel moved with your music, I bet there are a thousand of people out there—maybe a million, who knows—that will feel the same way once they truly listen to your songs. You have talent. You have passion. Don’t forget about it.”

Eren finished the rest of his beer in one gulp, crushing the can under his palm as a way to release his suppressed emotions. “Yeah, got it,” he said, straightening his back. “Thanks, that’s, uh, that’s probably the nicest thing someone has ever said to me about my music.”

He seems fine now, you thought. A bit jittery and awkward, but he seems fine. “Well, like I said back in junior high,” you threw him a cheeky grin. “You’ve got soul—”

“Don’t say it—”

“—Brother!”

When Eren chased after you, you ran as fast as your feet could take you. He was always more agile on his feet, and before long, he already had his hold around your waist, tackling you down to the ground. “And touchdown!” He claimed, his face nearly split in half from how wide his grin was breaking on his face. He hovered above you, holding you by the hands and kept them pressed flat against the grass. “You should’ve known better not to run away from me, Sweetheart.”

His necklace was dragging across your clavicles from how close he was. He was catching his breath, his smile boyish and juvenile. A few dark brown strands from his hair were falling to his temple, slipping past his hair tie. “Eren.”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t ever stop smiling,” you said, a soft smile painting your lips but not as tender as the look in your eyes. “You look better when you smile.”

And just like that, Eren became conscious of the position you were in, heart pounding so painfully, he thought he was having a heart attack. “Ah, seriously,” he said, framing your cheek with his calloused hand. “You can’t just say something like that and expect me to not do anything about it.”

“What—”

Eren leaned down, his face growing nearer and nearer. Ah, I want to kiss her, Eren thought, hooded eyes glazed with desire as they raked over your face. When he saw you close your eyes, he wanted to take it as a green light, that it was okay for him to kiss you. It was the perfect moment. The perfect timing. But was he the perfect person? Did you want him to kiss you? Eren was afraid. What was going to happen after the kiss? What if it ended terribly? What if it felt wrong? What if you smiled at him after the kiss, only to apologize and say, “This is wrong. I don’t feel that way about you,” and then what? How would he be able to face you properly after that?

Eren was afraid of rejection. But, most of all, he was afraid that you’d leave. He was afraid that things would get so awkward, that you had no choice but to distance yourself from him.

I can’t do this.

When you saw him leaning closer, you shut your eyes tightly in response. You were not sure what to expect, or whether you waited for him to do something. You couldn’t think, not when his breath was caressing your lips.

But when he gnawed at your shoulder, playfully sinking his teeth into your skin to disrupt the moment, you knew that wasn’t what you were expecting. You felt something growing inside your chest. Was it… disappointment that you felt? You weren’t sure. You didn’t want to dwell on it too much. You thought it would be wiser not to.

Because he’s my friend, right? Friends don’t think about each other that way.

Feeling the throbbing pain in your shoulder, you chased after him. “Eren, I’m gonna kill you!”

***

Historia Reiss invites you to a nightclub for an after-party.

The concert has ended around two hours ago, and although you wished you could’ve gone home, you couldn’t decline the offer to stay when Harlequin’s own manager, Hange Zoe, insisted on you staying. Well, for Eren to stay, more accurately. You just happened to be his unimportant plus one.

In different circumstances, you would be feeling like you’re flying into space, drowning immensely in nothing but elation. But now, you only have regrets, thinking, why didn’t I just be honest and tell him that I didn’t feel like going? Because Eren thought you’d be excited, knowing that Historia Reiss had been your number one idol ever since high school. He just doesn’t know that she’s stopped being one as soon as she has her tongue in his mouth earlier.

The image of them sharing awfully sensual, filthy kisses on stage is burned into your memory, no matter how hard you’ve been trying to wash it away. It makes you feel nauseous. Makes you feel like the floor is sinking underneath your weight. Makes you feel a million things at once but none can be spoken in words.

You’re surrounded by celebrities—the four members of Harlequin, Reiner Braun and Jean Kirstein from Empire, and some other good-looking musicians that you often see in your YouTube recommendation videos but never really cared enough to learn their names. They have booked the entire second floor of the nightclub, laughing over the upbeat music that’s blasting in the background.

“Gin and Tonic, anyone?” Louise asks, taking a tall glass filled with alcohol from a male waiter.

“No thanks,” Eren declines when she offers the glass to him. He’s sitting right beside you, trapping your body between him and Louise.

“You’re not gonna drink?” She seems appalled, frowning in disbelief. “Who are you and what have you done to Eren Jaeger?”

“I’m the designated driver for tonight,” Eren elaborates between chuckles, dangling a car key in the air that his drummer has lent him earlier. Since Reiner lives nearby, he’s agreed to let Eren borrow his Audi for the night. “I gotta drive her home.” He nudges his shoulder against yours and you smile back awkwardly at her.

Louise only gapes harder. “I didn’t know you were so whipped.”

“Oh, no, no,” you quickly shake your head, “We’re not—we’re not together. Right, Eren?” Eren doesn’t answer, simply taking a drag of his cigarette to avoid the question. It somehow makes you anxious. Desperate to change the topic, you say, “B-but I’ll have some of that.” You take a huge big gulp of your Gin & Tonic once you hold the glass in your hand, regretting the choice not a second later when the taste of alcohol burns your throat.

“You’re still too young to drink, idiot,” Eren scolds, taking the glass out of your hand and finishes everything in one try. Unlike you, he doesn’t even flinch.

You wipe the liquid that trickled down your chin with the back of your hand. “I’m as old as you, Jaeger.”

“I mean, mentally.”

“Right,” Louise chimes in, obviously being left out. “I’m just gonna go over there now, okay?”

You can’t help but go flustered, hissing at him once Louise has departed from your side. “She’s getting the wrong impression.”

“I won’t worry about that,” Eren says, taking yet another glass of Gin. Once he gets to see the taste, he can’t hold himself back. “Besides, I don’t mind if they think we’re together.”

Furrowing your eyebrows, you ask, “What do you mean?”

Before Eren can answer, a pair of arms circle themselves around his neck and Eren looks up to find Historia standing from behind his seat. “Hi, handsome,” she giggles, bending forward until you can see a glimpse of her cleavage that’s hidden underneath her tight tank-top.

“Hey there,” Eren says, voice low and deep as he greets her with a tiny smirk. “I was wondering where you were.”

“Yeah?” She’s about to steal his cigarette away from between his fingers, but Eren lifts his hand in the air, moving it closer to her lips. She smiles and takes a drag, thin fingers curling around his wrist. “Did you miss me?” Historia asks as she releases clouds of smoke in the air.

Eren tucks his cigarette back between his teeth, sharing the taste of her lipstick. “Doesn’t feel the same without you around.”

With your thoughts clouded by something that feels excruciatingly similar to rage, you turn your face away. Unfortunately for you, you can’t close your ears to their conversation.

“Thanks for coming, Eren. I was ecstatic when I heard you were gonna pay a visit. How did I do tonight?”

“You were brilliant,” he says, almost speaking in whispers that sound even more seductive, somehow. “Have I told you how amazed I am at how you always managed to keep your voice stable to the end of the show?”

“Yeah, I have better stamina than you do.”

“I can’t argue with that,” Eren’s chuckle seems deeper, adding a sensual vibe to it. “You’re pretty flexible too.”

“Oh, stop it, you’re making me blush.”

They’re not talking about sex, you keep chanting that line in your head over and over again as you try to make sense of their conversation. But you can’t help it. It always ends up with a mental image of Eren and Historia drawing marks on each other’s nude bodies with their mouths and tongues, her legs tangling around his waist as she did before, his hips making sinful movements—

You take another glass from the table, not caring who owns it, and bottoms it out in one gulp. The glass makes a loud clanking sound when it meets the coffee table.

“A friend?” You can hear Historia asking about you.

“Yeah.”

The sound of her heels closing in is getting clearer and clearer, and not a few seconds after, she takes a seat next to you. “Hi,” she chirps, landing a hand above yours as they settle awkwardly on your lap. “I’m Historia Reiss.”

“Y-yeah,” you can only awkwardly reply. Not even has the talent to fake a smile in front of her. “I know.”

“She’s a big fan of yours,” Eren chimes in, bringing his cigarette close to his lips. “She kept on pushing me to run faster so we wouldn’t have missed the show.”

“Really?” Her blue eyes glimmer in hoy and she’s ten times even more beautiful in person. “Thank you! Can I have your name? We should be friends!”

While you’re still conflicted on choosing whether you should continue to sit there and lie for the entire night or just run toward the door, Eren lands a hand on your head, ruffling your hair. “Hear that?” He teases, like an older brother would do to his younger sister. “She wants you to be her friend.”

“Stop it.” You shove him away and he only chuckles in return.

Squashing the rest of his cigarette on the ashtray, Eren stands up from his seat. “I’m gonna go see how Jean is doing. You girls have fun.”

“We will,” Historia sings out before she turns to you. Her radiant smile stays permanent on her delicate face. “You two seem close. I overheard your conversation from earlier. You’ve got Eren Jaeger from Empire driving you home. You must be special.”

“We’re—” You clear your throat, eyes fixated on your lap. “We’re just friends.”

“Wonder if he feels the same.” The blonde-haired singer expresses her gratitude to the waiter that hands her cocktail. “I’ve only known him for a year but I’ve never seen him behaving that way around girls before. He must care about you a lot.”

You stay mute, unsure what to say. Something is growing inside your chest, something awful that makes you say, “You seem much closer to him than I do.”

Historia freezes, stunned by the sudden bitterness in your voice but her cheery smile is back almost on the next second. “Honey, you don’t have to worry about that. I’m not gonna steal him away from you.” She folds her legs, leaning further into her seat. “I’m gay.”

It feels like she just splashes you with cold water. “I’m sorry?”

“I’m dating Ymir,” she elaborates as your eyes widened in surprise. “Well, not necessarily dating, but we do sleep with each other from time to time.”

How can she say something like that so easily like this?! “O-oh, I see…” you chuckle awkwardly. “Then, uh, I’m glad to know—” You stop yourself. Glad to know? Why are you glad? What part of this are you glad about? “But then, uhh, why did you kiss him?”

“‘Cause people like it,” she shrugs, taking a sip of her cocktail. “They love seeing us together on stage. I don’t remember how it started but rumors are being spread about us dating each other and honestly? I like it. It makes me more popular. It makes him more popular and that’s all that matters in this industry. Plus,” she stops to offer you a cheeky grin. “There are many more terrible ways to gain fame quickly. Sometimes you gotta sleep with people to get a gig. Ugly people.” She’s quite expressive, you notice, as you can vividly imagine how terrible it must have been for her. “So you can tell that kissing him feels like a damn treat to me. I know I’m not into dicks but,” Her giggles are as cute as the sound of her voice. “Boy, does he know how to kiss.”

The way she says her line makes you blush, a thought of you kissing him resurfaces in your mind. It’s frightening how you feel so relieved now that you know their relationship is written purely for the sake of entertainment. It’s even more frightening that hours have passed and you still thinking about kissing your best friend.

I am sick for this, you inwardly think, fingernails sinking into your jean-clad thigh.

Historia notices your expression. Leaning closer while placing a hand on your lap, she says, “Look, I know it’s none of my business, but if you like him, you gotta be honest with him. I might not be into his cute little man-bun, but there are a lot of girls flocking after him. And believe me when I say a lot? I meant, a lot a lot.” She emphasizes her words with such a cute expression, it’s quite endearing.

“But I don’t—” Your voice breaks a little. “I don’t think about him that way.”

“Okay,” she says, leaning toward the table to take another shot. “Whatever you say, love. I’m just telling you so you won’t regret it.”

***

You’re left to your own device once Historia is taken away by her manager. You’re leaning against the railing, counting how many people are dancing on the dance floor below you in a way to escape boredom. That’s when Eren walks back to your spot with his guitarist, Jean Kirstein, following closely behind. Your best friend is in the middle of taking a call when he acknowledges you with a nod. Once it’s over, Jean looks over his shoulder, trying to steal a look at his phone screen.

“Don’t tell me it���s Mikasa again,” his guitarist says and Eren only sighs. “Oh my God, dude, just fuck her already. Once you’re done with her, she’ll know how terrible you are in bed and she’ll be crawling to me seeking comfort. Then I’ll show her some real good time.”

It’s nauseatingly disgusting the way Jean is raving about women like they’re just objects for his sexual fantasies but Eren doesn’t form a complaint. Perhaps he’s just used to it.

Or maybe he does the same thing when I’m not around? You throw that thought away, scolding yourself in your head. He’s not that kind of a person.

“It wasn’t her,” Eren tells him, walking closer until he stands right next to you, leaning his back against the railing.

“She’s stopped calling you?”

“No, I just blocked her.”

“You did what?!” Jean shrieks, eyes wide. “Jesus Christ, I knew you were an idiot but I didn’t think you’d be this stupid.”

Eren simply yawns, leaning half of his weight on you.“You can have her.”

“Believe me, man, I’m trying.” At the sound of your protest as you try to shove Eren’s body off you, Jean finally notices your existence. “Hey, I know you.”

“Yeah, Jean, it’s me,” you mutter, reminding him of your name. “We used to go to college together, remember? Took you a while to notice.”

“No shit.” Jean grins, blatantly eyeing you up and down. “Damn, girl, you look fine now.”

“Thanks.”

“No, for real.” He steps closer, bending down a little to take a closer look at your face. “I can’t believe I’m seeing you again. Got a boyfriend now?”

Is this guy serious? “No.” You want to take a glimpse at Eren’s reaction, but Jean’s hand is already curling around your wrist, holding it mid-air.

“Then,” Jean smirks, “What if we start catching up on—”

“Get your fucking hands off her.”

There are three reasons why Jean drops your hand almost instantly once he hears Eren’s voice slicing through the tension. First, Eren has never stopped him before. Not once in his life does Eren ever care about who he hits on or who he flirts with. Two, they’ve shared girls too, more than he can count, although never at the same time. Both of them have decided that it’s better to not get involved with someone any further than sex. Sleeping together is okay, but relationships are off-limits. Eren could have a girl bouncing on his lap one night, and have that same girl choking on Jean’s cock the next morning. It’s never a problem. Eren doesn’t care. Three, Eren has never threatened him before, not like now with his hand fisting his collar, face leaning close enough to whisper the words through clenched teeth.

“If you treat her in the same way you treat your fucking sluts,” Eren warns, “I’m gonna fucking kill you, you got that?”

And he never sounded like he truly meant his words, until now.

***

It feels like forever since Eren has spoken a word.

There’s music playing through the speakers but it’s not enough to defeat the deafening silence that sits heavily between you. The capital feels like a ghost town now that you’re passing the road at two in the morning. Eren keeps his speed steady at fifty miles per hour, one hand stirring the wheel, another one sitting on the edge of his window with his fingers pressed against his lips as if he’s stopping himself from saying something he’d regret.

“Eren.”

“Hmm?”

“Are you still angry?”

“Who says I’m angry?”

You sit quietly in your seat, awkward and uncertain. Eren notices the anxiety that grows within you and he sighs. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to give you the cold shoulder.”

“It’s okay.” You smile and he mirrors it with a smaller, timider one. “Thanks for coming to my defense. I can protect myself just fine, though.”

“I know,” he replies, gently patting your head once before he switches gear. “It’s just it pissed me off how Jean constantly uses his dick as a brain when he talks.”

“You seemed fine when he talked about Mikasa earlier.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I don’t give a fuck about her.”

“But you do about me?”

“Of course. You’re my friend.”

He sounds like a robot that has been taught to say that line a million times. He said it perfectly, but the emotion doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t sound like he’s saying the words because he wants to convey them. He only says it because he has to. Because it’s the most understandable, appropriate reason for him to say.

“Can I ask you personal questions?” You ask, feeling a bit bold. “You can ask me anything you want too.”

Eren’s green eyes dart to your face but never stay long enough. “What do you want to know?”

“Have you ever been in a relationship?” When you notice his discomfort, you quickly add, “Be honest, please.”

“You weren’t kidding when you said you wanted to ask personal stuff,” he sighs, running a hand through his hair that’s tied messily in a bun. “I don’t know why my love life would be any of your concern but to answer your question, no.“ And as you wait in silence, he knows that he has to elaborate some more. “I just think relationships and commitments can be messy and I already have enough mess in my life to take care of.”

“Is that the whole reason?” You ask because somehow, it feels like there’s so much more to it that he hasn’t said.

Eren pauses before he forces himself to laugh, sounding too cynical in your ears. “I’m not drunk enough to have this conversation.”

“Eren.” The tone you use causes him to stop abruptly. Knowing how stubborn and persistent you can be, he gives up, exhaling loudly in defeat.

“Because I don’t want to be abandoned,” he confesses, making your heart swell in return. “Being in love with someone means you’re giving your heart for them to hold or to break and I don’t want to go through the pain of having someone leaving me.” Not anymore, he finishes internally.

“Why do you think they’ll leave you?”

“Because everyone will, eventually?” The icy tone in his voice makes it clear that Eren doesn’t try to avoid the pain because he’s afraid of the pain. He tries because he already knows. “And I’m not talking about death,” he clarifies. “When someone dies, they’ll give you grief. But grief doesn’t stay long because you know it’s not something they did on purpose. It was because of fate and you knew you’d never win against it, so you’ll choose to move on and find another person that you can love just as much. Who can love you just as much. But when people leave because they want to leave, because they think you’re a fucked up human being and you don’t deserve to be loved, it’s not grief that they give you. It’s anger.” The way he says the word, so bitter and cold, sends a shiver down your spine. “It’s agony. Something so painful that you wish you could just be on your own for the rest of your life, not having to care about anyone else, not wanting to give your heart to anyone else because you know once they get a hold of it, and they decide to crush it again, you know you won’t survive this time around.”

You don’t have to rake your eyes over his features to know how much he’s been wanting to pour these words out in the open. You still don’t know what happened to him during the four years of separation but now, you got a taste of how lonely and insecure he felt throughout the years. The words, “Who did this to you?” are sitting thickly on the tip of your tongue but you stop yourself from crossing the boundaries. You know this is just as far as you can get out of him tonight.

“So in order to protect yourself,” you try to break the silence that follows. “You just decided to stop caring so much about other people?”

Eren swerves his car, the streetlight illuminates his face to show his eyes turning hollow, dull and hazy, almost like a porcelain doll’s. “They can’t abandon you when you don’t give a shit about them in the first place.“

You turn around to face him. “Then, why do you care about me?”

It’s a question you didn’t think you’d ask, especially in this situation, and it’s a question he never thought he’d have to answer. There’s a moment of unbearable silence that feels like forever to you until he quietly says, “Because you’re the only one that hasn’t left.” His words struck you cold, and you’re left there on your seat, not knowing what to say.

“What I’m trying to say is that,” he huffs, trying to make ease of the situation. His voice is much lighter—airy, even. “I trust you. And like you said so yourself, I’m summer and you’re the sun, remember? We’re a package. You’re my last faith in humanity so you better take responsibility for that. If you ever leave me, I’m gonna kill myself.”

He’s the only one who’s laughing, pretending that it’s a joke, and while it usually rubs off on you pretty quickly, tonight it doesn’t. “How do you feel about me?”

His laughter ceases to exist almost instantly. “What?”

“You said you trusted me. You said you didn’t want me to leave,” you repeated his words back for him. “But how do you feel about me exactly? Do you see me as a friend? A family? Or as a—” Your breath hitched in your throat, unable to form the word but you never need to.

Or as a lover?

The soft pit-patter of rain that taps against the windows is soothing to your ears but none of you feel relaxed enough to carry on with the conversation while looking through each other’s eyes. As he keeps his gaze on the road, Eren quietly mutters, “You’re more than a family to me.”

It’s true but at the same time, it doesn’t feel like one. It’s like when you’re asking someone “Are you okay?” And they answer with “I’m fine,” when their body language speaks the opposite. Or maybe Eren is really being honest, just not giving out the whole truth.

And maybe that’s what bothers you. Maybe you’re tired of being fed clues instead of the whole picture of what he’s feeling. And maybe it’s because of the alcohol in your system that makes you feel brave and your brain stupid enough to filter the words that come out of your mouth because the next thing you know, you’re asking him the one question you’ve been terrified to ask.

“Then why did you kiss me back then?”

Eren nearly misses the red light and he hits the brakes so abruptly, it almost sends your head knocking against the dashboard. He swallows hard, sitting in silence after he pulls on the handbrake, waiting for the light to turn green.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says.

“Eleven years ago. The third year of junior high. I went to your house to see your dad and I found you sleeping on—”

“Okay, stop.” He never spares you a glance. “That kiss didn’t happen. You told me yourself I was dreaming.”

“Yes, because I was too embarrassed to admit it! What was I supposed to say anyway?”

Eren takes a turn before he parks his car behind an abandoned building, stopping to catch a breath before he spins around to face you. His face grew solemn. “You should’ve been honest with me back then.“

“Yeah, and then what? What would you have done?”

“I would’ve—” He freezes, feeling his forearms tightening and threatening to form fists. “Well, it doesn’t matter now,” he says, “It’s in the past anyway. There’s no use talking about it—”

Your lips are on his. They’re pressed lightly, a soft pair meeting softer ones, only for a brief second. Your heart thrashes wildly inside your ribcages, feeling like you’re slowly being detached from reality. You’re not sure what you’re doing, not sure if it was because you’re intoxicated with alcohol or his scent, or the vivid pain he’s showing in his eyes, but you don’t regret it. Not in the slightest.

You break off the kiss, slowly opening your eyes to find him swallowing hard, his pupils blown. “What are you doing?” He questions, voice so quiet, it’s almost muffled down by the sound of the rain.

“I don’t know,” you whisper back, breathing his air as he’s breathing yours from the proximity you’re in. “I just… I feel like I wanted to—”

Eren’s the one who closes the gap this time, kissing you just as soft, just as uncertain, just as light. And when he pulls away, his eyelashes flutter against his cheek.

Your stomach swirls, heart palpitating. “Why did you kiss me again?”

“I don’t know.” Eren wets his lip, framing your face with one hand, forehead pressing against yours. “But… I don’t want to stop—“

And you’re not sure who leans in first this time, and none of you care.

It just feels right.

Eren kisses and he kisses like fire. He sighs into your mouth, eyebrows furrowing as he lets himself drown deeper in passion. What starts as a chaste kiss becomes ardent, and you allow him to taste you enough so that he’ll fall asleep thinking about your lips and nothing else. He melds his lips with yours in a passion that matches the blazing sun, burning you to your core, excites you with his intensity.

You’ve crossed the line and you don’t know how you’re going to face him tomorrow when you’re all sober and awake but right now, right at this moment, you just want to feel him more. Whether it’s lust, hidden desire, or something deeper than admiration, you don’t care. You just want him. Want his hands on you, want his mouth to taste yours, want his warmth to seep into your skin. And with the pace he’s going, you’re sure he wants you just as much.

But you’re wrong.

Eren doesn’t solely want you. He needs you and there’s a difference. A huge difference. Because as you are now consumed with desire, Eren is driven by affection. He kisses you with his heart thundering loud, with his chest feeling so full, he feels like he’s going to die. He kisses you like you were his oxygen, and he was dying to breathe.

Unlike you who’s burnt by desire, love is his driving force.

Eren catches the aftertaste of alcohol on your tongue and it tosses him back to reality. The reality where he knows you only want him this way because you’re not thinking clearly. “We should stop,” he says unconvincingly as he lands both hands on your shoulder, pushing you away. “You’re drunk, you’re not making any—”

You bring him back to you again, fingers fisting the collar of his shirt, gasping into his mouth when he holds you by the nape, taking control of the kiss once again. You can’t stop. You don’t ever want him to stop. His kisses make you feel wanted and no one has ever wanted you the way he does right now. Every kiss is nearly bruising, every touch is almost burning, the thrill of it all is overwhelming.

And Eren… How can he say no when you’re kissing him like this?

You’re pushing his jacket off with hasty hands and Eren lets it slides off his shoulders, lips never disconnecting from yours. His fingers are slipping underneath your shirt, caressing the soft skin above the line of your jeans. His touches feel dangerous, knowing that they would lead to something more.

“You want to stop?” He asks, noticing how you stiffen inside his arms. You slant your lips together once more, tugging his lower lip between your teeth, and Eren groans at the sensation. “No,” you sigh as his lips begin to caress the column of your throat. “Please don’t stop. It feels good.”

It sounds obscene in his ears, the way you’re pleading for him. Your words are provoking, it’s like you’re telling him to sin and he’s more than willing to do it.

“Eren, I want you.”

And he wants to believe you. He wants to believe that you want him just as much as he wants you. He will allow himself to believe.

“Fuck,” he hisses. He leans over to pull on the lever of your seat, moving you all the way back before he jumps over to your side. The rain is pouring heavily outside, causing the light coming from the streetlamp to blur with the flow of water falling on the windows. Eren’s irises are more black than green in the dimness of the car, but you can still make out how pretty he looks with his eyes glinting with desire, his lips parting as he breathes heavily at the sight of you lying underneath him.

“Come back to me,” you say, guiding him down by tugging on his necklace, and Eren answers with a soft moan drawn against the skin below your earlobe.

“I don’t want you to regret this.” Eren sounds so uncertain, so insecure with himself that you might not want him just as much. That you’re probably just being carried away by the moment and let the alcohol in your system cloud your judgment. It’s the very little self-control he has left. The final string before he snaps.

But you don’t feel like that at all. You want him to know that. But how do you say it? How can you make him believe that this is what you want without sounding like you’re forcing yourself to lie for his sake?

You decide to tell him the truth.

“I don’t know if I truly want this,” you say, the tip of his nose nearly brushing against yours as he waits. “But if there’s one thing I’m certain, it’s the fact that I won’t regret this.”

Eren’s gaze softens. “Why?”

“Because I’m doing this with you.” You caress his cheek, wondering why he looks so close to crying when he presses his lips against the lines of your palm. “And nothing feels wrong when I’m with you, Eren.”

When he kisses you again, you know there’s no turning back this time.

And it feels right.

***

“Eren, wait.”

You’re breathing hard, the scent of his bergamot perfume filling the very little space that separates you from him. Your lips still tingle from his kisses, somewhat bruised and red, glistening from the string of saliva that broke once he pulls away.

“Does it hurt?” He asks, panting, eyes glazed and hooded. Seeing you nod, he kisses you again, soft and lingering, enough to put down half the anxiety that burns within you. Eren retracts his fingers, gliding them out of you slowly but you still wince from discomfort. He brings two of his fingers into his mouth, cheeks hollowing as he wraps his lips all the way down to his knuckles, lubricating them with his spit. You blush at the sight, unable to maintain eye contact knowing how your taste must be sitting thick on his tongue but Eren never comments on it. He slips his hand back between your legs, his slick digits probing against your entrance. “I’ll try again, okay?”

He pushes them in.

With your head thrown back and your hands clutching tightly against his clothed shoulders, you fail to contain your moan. There’s both pain and pleasure, not sure which one is more intense. Just the thought of having Eren—your best friend for twelve years—crooking his fingers inside you is enough to send your mind reeling.

“What about you?” You vocalize in a small gasp. “How can I make you feel good?”

Eren still tastes heavily like gin when his tongue swirls around yours, but there’s also something else that you can barely describe. But it fits him, it tastes like how you’d imagine him to taste, you just didn’t think you’d like it this much. That you’d want to taste more of him, not just his lips but also his skin, his scent, the softness of his hair, him. And you want him to taste you just as much.

“I already feel like I’m about to die just having you rock your hips against my fingers like this,” Eren confesses, his lips moving to the crook of your neck. “You feel so warm around me…”

It’s soothing, the way he whispers the words as if he’s praising a work of art but it elicits just the same burning spark inside your stomach. Eren reaches deep inside, scissoring you wide open but stops once he notices you flinch. To wash it away, he applies pressure on your clit with his thumb, calloused fingertip rubbing against your sensitive nub.

“Better?” He questions when he sees you squirm, arching your back.

It’s better, much, much better. But it’s not enough.

“Yes, but—” You’re breathing hard, slowly dragging his hand away. “I want to make you feel good too.”

You lift your hips, pressing against the zipper of his jeans. Eren groans lowly in response, pressing back and grinding his hips against yours. Even doing just that, it already feels exciting—dangerous, addicting in a way that you won’t be able to stop until you’re both finished. You sneak your hand down, stroking his hardness that is itching to be released from its confinement. “Let me touch you,” you whisper against his mouth and Eren wets his bottom lip, nervous and worried but can’t stop his hips from bucking into your hand.

“You’re already touching me,” he breathily says, taking a sharp gasp when you press against him harder.

“I want more.” Your fingers stroke his navel before they play with the button of his jeans. “Can I?”

He can’t answer, mind too clouded by how surreal the whole situation feels to him. It’s a dream, this must be a dream, he thinks. Eren’s breathing tatters when you start to unbutton, dragging his zipper down before you slip tentative fingers past the elastic band of his boxer.

“Fuck,” he hisses, cheeks red and burning. “Your fingers are cold.”

Seeing his reaction, the way his body language is screaming that’s he’s embarrassed with your touches, makes you blush as well. “S-sorry.”

“No, don’t be, I just—ah—” The little moan that escapes him once you start curling your fingers around him sounds so unbearably cute and sexy at the same time. Not once in your life would you imagine him making such a delicate, sinful sound at the touch of your hand. “God, your hand feels so good.”

He’s quite verbal too, you find, which only adds more colors to your cheeks. “Eren,” you say, swallowing nervously. “I—I want to try something.”

Your body has gone autopilot, your mouth shaping words on its own. Before you know it, your hands are moving beyond your control too. You lift your hips enough so you can shimmy out of your jeans. Eren, slightly baffled, helps out, tossing the cloth to the back of the seat once you kicked it off your legs. Your lingerie soon follows, making him ten times more nervous now that you’re bare and exposed before his eyes.

“What—“ His voice breaks. “What are you doing?”

“I want to feel you,” you answer, pushing his jeans and boxer down until they pool around his thighs. Eren’s breath hitched when you start pumping him slowly, expletives breaking free from his mouth. You spread your legs, guiding his tip to your entrance. “Eren—”

“Stop,” Eren says, grabbing your wrist and bringing it over your head. “No.”

You tangle your legs around his waist, hauling him closer. “Why not?”

“I’m not gonna fuck you when you’re drunk,” he says although his voice is wavering at the sensation of his cock sliding against your folds.

“But we’ve gone this far already.” It’s pathetic, the way you plead, and you don’t care. You want him to know just how desperate you are for him.

This isn’t like you at all. You don’t usually do or say things like this. No, you have never done anything like this before. You have never gone as far as you are now with a man. You’ve shared kisses, you’ve touched and been touched but never like this. You were never in a relationship deep enough for you to have sex with someone. It’s not like you’re obsessed with the idea of making your first time as special and magical as you had seen in movies. No, you’re not that delusional. It’s just… The timing never felt right before. Not like now.

Right now, trapped inside your best friend's arms, in the car that smells too much like air freshener to your liking, you feel like this is the perfect timing. The perfect place. And if you were sober, you’d know just how much you’re not making any sense. But you don’t care. All that matters to you right now is him. Eren. And you have never wanted anyone this badly in your entire life.

“Jesus Christ.” Eren’s sanity is also deteriorating little by little and he’s nowhere near drunk. Not when it comes to alcohol. It’s the words you say that drives him insane. It’s the way you pant his name, the way you moan his name that makes him throb painfully, aching to be buried deep within you. “Stop riling me up.”

“Eren, please?” You circle your free hand around his neck, painting your next words directly to his lips. You’re stroking him gently, gliding your thumb against his slit to make him shudder. “Just a little bit would be fine, right?”

He breaks off the kiss, dragging his face to the side with his eyes closed in concentration. “It’s not gonna be a little bit once I’m inside. You know I won’t be able to stop.”

“Then don’t stop.”

“I’m not gonna fuck you when you’re drunk!” He repeats, louder this time but not to convince anyone but himself. Eren is losing it. The alcohol in his system doesn’t help much at trying to keep himself in control. How many years has he been wanting to see you in this position? How many times has he dreamt about you this way? You’re lying underneath him, lips swollen and bruised because of him, voice turning soft and pleading because of him, how the fuck is he going to stop?

“Screw it.” Eren’s sudden roughness as he spreads your legs apart makes your heart rise to your throat. A hand around his cock, he guides it to your heat, rubbing up and down your vulva as he rocks his hips against yours. “I’m—” The sensation of having you this close to him is so overwhelming, Eren has to take a second to filter his words. “I’m not gonna put it in, just—”

He’s grazing against your clit, making your toes curl in pleasure and your lips part in a silent moan of his name. You ache more for the friction, your lower half moving to match his pace, your hands clutching against his shoulders, fisting the fabric of his shirt. “Oh, God.” With your head thrown back and eyes closing in pleasure, Eren’s lips find their way to your neck again, taking a bit of your skin between his teeth, sucking until he leaves a mark.

“So beautiful,” Eren praises in a choked whisper. “So fucking beautiful.”

You probably hear him wrong. And he’s probably not talking about your face, or the expressions you make, or the little sound you produce from the back of your throat. Right now, you’re not even sure if your brain is functioning properly. You just want to feel good. Want to make him feel good.

Eren goes faster, rubbing himself over you, again and again, his pre-cum staining your skin. He angles himself to make sure he presses against your clit, knowing that it will drive you further to the edge.

“Say my name,” he says, more in a form of a beg than an order. “I want to hear you say my name when you come.”

You can feel your orgasm closing in, your stomach tightening in anticipation. Eren frames your cheek and you tilt your head to the side to paint his name on the lines of his palm. “Eren—”

He presses his thumb on your bottom lip, dragging it lower to see your tongue making the movement. “Again.”

“Eren—mmph!” His kiss turns fierce, with more teeth than anything else. His hand slips under your shirt, sliding underneath your bra, palming your breast and squeezing it until you groan both in pain and pleasure. The movement of his hips becoming erratic, butterflies fluttering inside your stomach when you hear him moan your name.

“Eren—” It’s a bit frightening how your body jolts, clutching your hands around his upper arm. “I think I’m—”

“Me too,” he gasps, “Me too—fuck—I’m gonna come—”

You both moan into the kiss, eyes tightly shut as you ride out your orgasm. You can feel Eren’s thick cum splattering across your stomach as he breathes heavily through his nose, never detaching his lips from yours. He slows down, still rubbing his cock against your folds as he spills every bit of what’s left inside.

When he breaks the kiss, he keeps his face close, lips nearly brushing against yours as he speaks in shaky whispers. “Did you come?” His voice sounds so soothing and serene, a stark contrast to how rough and guttural his grunts were before. A tired, yet beautiful pair of teal eyes search your face, looking for a sign of discomfort. You weakly nod and he kisses you again, soft and sweet, lingering like a lover would do. The kiss ends with him pressing his forehead against yours, his fingers still buried in your strands.

“Eren…”

“Hmm?”

“I’m sleepy.”

He blinks, drawing his face away to look at you with a frown before he melts into a smile. You’re too intoxicated to see how much he adores you, too drunk to realize that what just happened between you and him isn’t something that doesn’t involve feelings in his case.

Kissing you one last time on your temple, he says, “Then, let’s go home.”

***

Next Chapter

HUGE THANK YOU to @justasketch for being the most amazing beta-reader ever!

Tagging: @tasteless @l6ffys @vivi-et @halparkebitch @fwess @littlemochi @thebeardedmoon @luvtaromilktea thanks so much for reading, lovelies! ❤️❤️❤️

[planetdream]

on the topic of music, I’m making playlist for each skz member— what songs remind me of them/ have their vibe yk?

I love all of your works so I trust your judgment ;) any song recs ?

okay, first, honored that you trust my judgement for this ☹️ here are my thoughts + suggestions (tried to add a little description for everyone but im running on my last brain cell rn oops)

chan reminds me of any song that grooves. need a really nice bass line, or maybe a piano. tbh it just has to vibe rlly nicely idk. not quite sure how to capture the feeling so let these songs do the talking:

-> let it happen by tame impala, after last night by silk sonic, special affair by the internet, pursuit of happiness by kid cudi, beautiful oblivion by issues, all i do is think of you by troop, breakin my heart by mint condition, candy rain by soul for real, wolf by exo (yes im serious), versace on the floor by bruno mars

minho reminds me of steadiness. something sexy. unironically, love songs (and some not love songs). some perfect rnb. tbh these are all songs i either scream to or dance to so yeah

-> be with you + speechless by beyonce, my boo by usher ft alicia keys, beauty by dru hill, forever my lady + feenin by jodeci, unthinkable by alicia keys, bad man by rain, dressing room by after school, luna by oneus, playboy by exo, die for you by the weekend, hate the club by kehlani ft masego, bad girl by usher

binnie ... idk how to even describe this song selection but its him ok!!!!! these songs are fun(?)!! and they all have pussy parts ok!!!

-> kiss me thru the phone by soulja boy ft sammie, lollipop by lil wayne ft static major, saturday drip by nct dream, ok! + 90s love by nct, 134340 by bts, transformer by exo, need to know by wale ft sza, that$ money by p1harmony, let me see it by megan thee stallion

hyune makes me think of any song about love ever. but also, generally the ones that make ur heart hurt, songs that make you miss someone that’s far away or someone that was never quite in your grasp in the first place. songs that hurt and make you cry but also make you smile. just love, really.

-> the love cats, friday i’m in love + lullaby by the cure, the one that got away + teenage dream by katy perry, teddy bear by nct dream, in my dreams, blue hour by txt, blue dream by jhene aiko, truth by india.arie, kingdom come by red velvet, what if + first love by exo, first love by hikaru utada, last kiss by bonnie pink

jisungie makes me think of songs you’d play on a late-night drive—like coming back home from being with friends all day. or maybe that slight melancholic feeling you get on the way home from a party.

-> options + been like this + i don’t do drugs by doja cat, spotlight by lil peep, tide pen by smokepurpp ft jack harlow, jet pack blues remix by fall out boy ft big k.r.i.t, n 2 deep by drake ft future, shimmy by lil wayne ft doja cat, crying out for me by mario, baby by exo

lixie makes me think of songs that sound shiny or like sparkles. songs that feel like big, bright stars. sunny, summer days with just the right amount of warmth.

-> red velvet — bamboleo, rock with you by micheal jackson, blast off + skate by silk sonic, im your baby tonight by whitney houston, just like magic + get well soon by ariana grande, froot by marina, comeback kid by sleigh bells, garden by meet me @ the altar

seungmin makes me think of songs that are pretty with pretty vocals. something that's kinda longing and yearning.

-> light by ateez, from home by nct, try again by d.ear ft jaehyun, here always by seungmin (hehe), rock with you by seventeen, nothing even matters by lauryn hill ft dangelo, lonely by chloe x halle, this is all i have for you by makoto matsushita, worldwide by big time rush

jeongin reminds me of songs that are bright! songs you could play in the car, with friends, with ur favorite cousin, etc. maybe life is fun and cool after all

-> run by bts, after school by weeekly, pang! + crush by seventeen, electric shock by f(x), power up by red velvet, hazy + catch up by chloe x halle, get into it (yuh) by doja cat, sweetener by ariana grande, rise by tyler the creator ft daisy world

[theskythatwritesofthisplace]

Bass Canyon: Ravens and Wolves

"Where are the vibrations coming from!?" Asked Arlo. The environment he was taking in with a new one. So many things, so many elements being used in such a way he had never seen. "First things first this is technically a rave. A camping Rave Festival. You might see the most outlandish things. But I understand that it was intended to be funny. Or sexy. Or even outright scary and intriguing." Replied Nyx gesturing to her own appearance. But the Raven King was too far gone. Pointing at the multiple metal objects lined up. "Your majesty you guys have your portals, and I believe that you guys still have horse-drawn carriage as well. We have Horseless carriages here." She giggled trying to calm him.

"Just answer any question I may have as we go. I don't think I'm going to make heads or tails of it if you just tell me." The King admitted. They walked for what seems like a mile. Seeing men and women dressed completely intriguing, almost completely out of place but in place. "So this Mission. It wouldn't have anything to do with this boy your queen spoke of?" He questioned. The more steps they took the faster the Wolf's heart began to beat. It became so overwhelming that she became one with her wolf in order to cope. The lack of response made the king stopped in his tracks and stare at the wolf knowing it was two intently. He knelt down to look the wolf in her eyes and said "You are that of the earth. So in this moment I could feel that you're scared. I feel two earthquakes. Don't be afraid, the fact that we stand here is off of your courage alone."

In one swift movement wolf in woman stood separate. Nyx exclaimed "Damn right I'm fucking scared! He didn't leave us three, he sent us away. In that moment I wasn't afraid to see my feet off the ground. I was so afraid that I would never see Quinn shine again. The world was never completely a serious place to our girl. And without him by our side, it has become that. My heart was reinforced with steel five times over, not because he was by my side but because I do love him. My love comes in protection. Quinn's love comes in curiosity and growth! She never lost her luster when it came to him. She could sit and be happy, she could fly and be happy. I want that for her. So for months after he sent us away I would not allow her to look at anyone, touch anyone. I told her that I would be the person to do it completely. And I have."

Tears rolled down her cheek knowing the implications, the repercussions of what she wanted to do. The Raven King politely brought her in for a huge hug. The way of father would hold onto his daughter and whispered "Say nothing. Do nothing. If he knows you well enough and knows where your hearts stands, then he'll know what to do." The small little moment broke, when a festival goer yelled to the king that his cloak was Epic. "Are people normally this friendly towards people they don't know?" He inquired. Nyx laughed wiping away her tears and replied "Yes. You see how I'm in all black but little sparkles of green show through. This is the whole entire thing it's dark and it's mysterious but if you touch it at least once, completely colorful." She took him by the hand and pulled him to continue their walk.

"So where are we specifically? I can see that this domain isn't specifically yours, do you know where you are?" The king asked as he took in the sights while they walked. "In your realm, you can see all five pieces of the queen I can't tell you why. Because in this world we're seen as just a mental defect. So we ran with it being a mental defect. The more the queen has been in one spot. The more it's easy for me to connect and set foot on it myself." Nyx explained before her eye caught something.. someone.

"Ann!" Exclaimed Nyx. The maiden took no notice, frustrating the wolf. "Shit shit shit. She doesn't go by that name. I can't say that name!" She added. "That... the maiden? She's so disheveled yet glowing.." the king conveyed. "Yeah and she's got his scent all over her. HOOPLA!!" Nyx said gaining the girl's attention. The maiden stopped in her tracks, and slowly turns looking for a fight. Only those who are dead in their domain would say that word. But when she laid eyes upon her wolf, she instantaneously calmed and began glowing even brighter. The wolf had a big smile on her face and she saluted, with her companion bowing along side her.

[princess-mei]

District One Playlist, otherwise known as “Pop Songs to Murder People to.” 

Tracklist:

Glamorous - Fergie

Woman - Kesha

Do My Thang - Miley Cyrus

She Wolf - Shakira

Raising Hell - Kesha

Tigerlily - La Roux

Nightmare - Halsey

Demons - Sleigh Bells

Shut Up and Let Me Go - The Ting Tings

Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

explanations below the cut...

Glamorous - Fergie

I got problems up to here I've got people in my ear Telling me these crazy things That I don't want to know (fuck y'all)

I've got money in the bank And I'd really like to thank All the fans, I'd like to thank Thank you really though

Do I have to explain this one? I don’t think so. Lol. Anyway, it is the perfect song to start off this playlist. After all, living in District One is glamorous and Mei thinks the Games will be glamorous too. 

Woman - Kesha

I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, alright I don't need a man to be holding me too tight I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, that's right I'm just having fun with my ladies here tonight I'm a motherfucker

This gives me Career Ladies vibes. I absolutely love that our Careers this year are almost all women (including our NB pal). It is just vibes. I love murder ladies. I love murder girlfriends. This is the song I imagine them jamming to as they brutally murder people together lmao. 

Do My Thang - Miley Cyrus

Every single night and every single day I'mma do my thing, I'mma do my thing So don't you worry about me, I'ma be okay I'mma do my thing, 'cause I'mma do my thing

I used to put this song on while doing my makeup before going out for a night. So...I feel like it has the ~vibes I’m going for on this playlist. Like I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna fuck you up. Which really...that’s the mood, isn’t it? It also has a great like beat and bass drop. So musically it’s a great hype song.

She Wolf - Shakira

There's a she wolf in the closet Open up and set it free There's a she wolf in your closet Let it out so it can breathe S.O.S. she's in disguise S.O.S. she's in disguise There's a she wolf in disguise

This one was really just a guilty pleasure. I also used to listen to this in high school when getting ready for parties and stuff. (Man, I used to be so cool.) It lyrically doesn’t have what I want, but the vibes are there. It’s a sexy song and I’m going for a sexy killer vibe. And what’s sexier than a werewolf? 

Raising Hell - Kesha

I'm all fucked up in my Sunday best No walk of shame 'cause I love this dress Hungover, heart of gold, holy mess Doin' my best (Ha), bitch, I'm blessed Oh, if you couldn't tell We can always find the trouble, we don't need no help Singing oh, mama raised me well But I don't wanna go to Heaven without raising hell

This one is pretty obvious. It is about raising hell!! How could you not wanna break some shit to this song? I know I do. There is also the “heart of gold” line which could be like...literal if you think about District One. Also, Mei is usually a heart of gold kind of person, so that’s a fun juxtaposition. 

Tigerlily - La Roux

They can sell it all they want but you cannot agree I don't like the taste of damn morality You'll find your bread and you butter where you fake it And put your face in the gutter of a snake pit But out communication is telepathy What you give is what you get out of us naturally And we can wait 'til the shadow grows long And turn the page of the story that has long since found a home

This song is such a throwback, but it really fits for a kind of darker theme which the rest of this playlist is. This song...to me...always sounded like a stalker? Or something like that. And I think it has big like...Capitol and Career vibes. Where they want you to put on this show for them, but really there is this dark and possessive underbelly to it. 

Nightmare - Halsey

Come on little lady, give us a smile No, I ain't got nothing to smile about I got no one to smile for, I've waited a while for A moment to say "I don't owe you a Goddamn thing" I, I keep a record of the wreckage in my life I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind They talk shit, but I love it every time And I realize

This one is about the patriarchy, but you could also see the Capitol like that. “Come on little lady, give us a smile.” Mei has been able to sway some Sponsors because she’s sucked up to them. Now that she’s in the arena, will it be as glamorous as she imagined? I think she’s gonna start getting scared. Then angry. Then scared again. 

Demons - Sleigh Bells

You drink the wise blood You're gonna hear about it You'll be taken down brick by brick by brick Burn the orphanage You're gonna pay for it They will purify block by block by block Demons Come on You've got a vision You're on a mission

This is the song is the one that really inspired this playlist. The electric guitar vibes is just killer. Really sets the whole tone. Lyrically, it doesn’t super fit, but the way the words are sung? Like the attitude and the inflection? It is a very angry song. I could imagine Mei knocking the shit out of people to this song. I feel like it also has like...tributes @ the Capitol vibes. (You’ll be taken down brick by brick by brick...etc.) 

Shut Up and Let Me Go - The Ting Tings

Shut up and let me go This hurts, what I can't show For the last time you had me in bits Now shut up and let me go For fear of living in regret I changed this one when we first met Now oh so easily your over me Gone is love It's me that ought to be moving on You're not adorable I was something unignorable.

I put this song on the playlist because it is by the Ting Tings. Just kidding. This also has a very Capitol and tributes relationship vibe. A Career realizing how fucked up all this is, but only after they’re already in the arena. Also, Mei really vibes with the “I was something unignorable” line. A Leo Rising bitch.

Heads Will Roll - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Glitter on the wet streets Silver over everything The glitter's all wet You're all chrome You're all chrome Off, off, off with your head Dance, dance, dance 'til you're dead

“Glitter on the streets / Silver over everything” -- I mean, how much more Capitol/District one can you get? Not to mention “dance til your dead” because the Games are a performance, especially for Mei. This is just a great song to fuck some shit up to. The beat is great. It is a song you just want to like sweat to.

[nyxshadowhawk]

Nyx’s Ultimate Halloween Playlist

Need some theme music for your haunted house or Halloween party? I create a new Halloween/Samhain list every year. (This year’s list uses a LOT of SotN music! I’ll be posting that too.) Here’s a compilation of some of the “greatest hits.” Yes, there’s a lot of Nox Arcana.

Spooky:

“Toccata” by Nox Arcana: You need a version of Toccata and Fugue in D Minor! I use the Nox Arcana version, but if you want something more upbeat, I recommend the Trans-Siberian Orchestra version.

“Nocturne” by Nox Arcana: An almost quintessential Halloween piece. Dark, creepy, expressive, easily applicable to a variety of contexts, evokes sensual and torturous bloodlust... It’s perfect!

“Labyrinth of Dreams” by Nox Arcana: Another absolutely quintessential Halloween piece. I originally found it in a cute Halloween animation on youtube (which I’ll post later). This is my favorite Nox Arcana piece. It’s mystical and spooky, and contains the very essence of Halloween magic.

“Ceremonial Spell” by Adrian von Ziegler: In my opinion, one of the most beautiful pieces of music that I have ever heard. It invokes a dark, smoky atmosphere lit by candelabra and filled with undead, slowly, eerily waltzing.

“Masque of the Red Death” by Nox Arcana: Speaking of waltzes, this one is in a ballroom in a magnificent ballroom. This dramatic organ piece perfectly reflects Poe’s words: “There were delirious fancies such as the madman fashions. There were much of the beautiful, much of the wanton, much of the bizarre, something of the terrible, and not a little of that which might have excited disgust.”

“Into the Night” by Nox Arcana: Another one of my favorite Nox Arcana pieces, spooky and fast-paced, as the night creatures crawl out of their lairs and gather to quench their thirst.

“Ghost Bride” by Adrian von Ziegler: A melancholy music box piece. Can’t you see a beautiful, sad spirit floating down a dusty corridor in an abandoned mansion?

“The Forgotten Path” by Nox Arcana: I think this piece is underrated. It’s sinister and kinda sexy, and brings to mind seductive female spirits.

“Shadow Dance” by Nox Arcana: Much like “Labyrinth of Dreams,” this one just screams “Halloween” to me. You can just see witches and demons dancing around a fire in a forest of leafless trees.

“Once Upon a Nightmare” by Nox Arcana: Another one of my favorites from Grimm Tales. I love listening to this one when I’m walking in forests around sunset. It’s sinister, but also sounds like the beginning of an adventure. I could see this in a video game.

“Shadowplay” by Nox Arcana: This is my favorite track from Theater of Illusion. I love it for how fast and energetic it is. It puts me right into the theater, watching a handsome magician spin shadows around the stage. Mmm...

“Born of the Night” by Nox Arcana: The Dark Tower is one of my favorite albums. This particular one’s a classic and among the best Nox Arcana tracks. This takes everything I said about “Into the Night” and turns it up to eleven. It’s just so intense and cathartic. Those aformentioned night creatures raise their raspy voices in worship of the Dark Lord and Queen of the Night. The night summons like an unquenched love, beckoning with the promise of dark desire.

“Night of the Wolf” by Nox Arcana: Arguably, Nox Arcana’s most famous track. I first came across it on SYTYCD when a man used it for a solo. A few years ago, by pure coincidence, I heard those first few telltale bass strokes in dance class as my teacher was scrolling through music, and I lost my goddamn mind. I squealed like an eleven-year-old squeals over boy bands. “I’m not like other girls, I squeal over creepy shit!”

“The Raven” by Nox Arcana: The piece that helped me rediscover Nox Arcana, and that began my obsession. This piece is just so beautiful, and based after Poe’s classic poem. I listened to it while memorizing the poem. Its instrumentation is just perfect all the way through. I’m not quite sure if it belongs on this list, since it has a bit of a different atmosphere, but I love it too much to leave it off.

“Halloween Waltz” by Derek and Brandon Fiechter: Alright, let’s leave off the Nox Arcana. There’s a lot of Fiechter pieces I could put on this list, but I like this one. It lacks Nox Arcana’s sophistication, but it brings to mind a classic gathering of monsters enjoying the Hallowmass festivities on their one night.

“Cemetery Waltz” and “Waltz of the Willows” by Two Steps From Hell: These pieces are both short enough that I basically regard them as one piece. I love how ethereal and romantic they sound.

“The Vampire Masquerade” by Peter Gundry: This French-style piece puts us in a regal vampire’s ballroom, with moonlight streaming through the windows, tall candelabra, and crystal goblets of blood. All the vampires are impeccably dressed in nineteenth-century clothing. Actually, that blond gentleman over there looks more eighteenth-century French. (There’s a really cool organ version of this piece on youtube.) There’s a lot of spooky Gundry pieces that I like, especially “The Shadow’s Bride,” “The Nocturnal,” and “The Shadows Hymn,” but this one felt the most “Halloweeny.” I recommend checking out his stuff.

“Danse Macabre” by Camille Saint-Saëns: Samhain is about the spirits of the dead returning for a night of revelry. Azrael plays his violin while the ghosts and skeletons dance in the graveyard until dawn.

“An Embassy Waltz” and the original “Veilgarden Theme” by Maribeth Solomon and Brent Barkman, from Fallen London: I’m sad that FL no longer has music attached to it since the app was retired. I love this music. "An Embassy Waltz” is so evocative of everything Fallen London is-- street lamps and smoke and bats and tentacles. And the Veilgarden theme takes you straight to the dim honey-dens for a bit of hedonistic pleasure. (I’m referring to the quiet and sensual original, not “Carnival at Midnight,” which is the Mahogany Hall variation and the version that is on the official OST. I just like the former version better.)

Party:

“Monster Mash” by Bobby Pickett: It would not be a Halloween list without Monster Mash. We’re heading into the party section of the list. The line “Dracula and his son” makes me imagine Alucard sitting in the corner of the castle hall with his back against the stone wall, sipping wine just like his father and watching the festivities with a bored, deadpan expression. Alucard’s not one for parties. I can’t act in-character at this year’s Halloween party, or I would be a terrible hostess.

“Land of the Dead” by Voltaire: I love Voltaire, and this jazzy song from The Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy is absolutely perfect for any Halloween party.

“Moon Trance” by Lindsey Stirling: Lindsey’s epic dancing zombies graveyard number. This is the kind of Halloween piece that makes you want to bounce up and down.

“The Night (Deathrock Version)” by Voltaire: This is another Voltaire piece that I like to dance to. Some of the lyrics are a little cheesy, but I see this is as the fun, upbeat, rockin’ version of “Born of the Night.” Same deal, different style! It’s super catchy. Come with me to the other side! Make that girl in black your bride!

“Sympathy for the Devil” (I use the Guns N’ Roses version because it’s the one on the Interview soundtrack): You really can’t go wrong with this one. Especially if you want to stick it to uptight religious dweebs who hate Halloween for being “Satanic.”

“Emperor’s New Clothes” by Panic! At the Disco: If it feels good, tastes good, it must be mine... Want to embrace your inner decadent devil? I do!

“O Fortuna (Carmina Burana)” by Spiritual Project: A remix of O Fortuna that my dance teacher played in class one October. It rocks. It’s probably less “party” and more “evening workout,” though. (Its one song on an album of other Halloween remixes of stuff like “Ghostbusters” and “The Phantom of the Opera”).

“Don’t Go By the River” by Voltaire: It was between this and “When You’re Evil.” As great as that is, I thought this was more upbeat and catchy. And it references Lestat. It’s perfect if you want something Cajun-style.

“Phantom of the Opera” medley by Lindsey Stirling: A new addition this year. This was featured in The Umbrella Academy. It’s so awesome.

“All Souls Night” by Loreena McKennit: Putting the Samhain in All Hallows’ Eve. Brings the list full-circle in that it’s a bit spooky and very Halloweeny, but still fun to dance to. It’s actually pretty cathartic, and it makes me think of cloaked figures in masks dancing with their lanterns on hills. Old-school Halloween!

Believe it or not, I’m actually leaving a lot off. Pretty much everything by Nox Arcana works for Halloween. There’s a lot more Voltaire that I like, too. Lately, I’ve been listening to “Carpe Noctem” from Tanz der Vampire (the original German version, because it’s better), and that is just so dark and sexy and fun to rock out to. You can’t go wrong with “This is Halloween,” of course. I also recommend “Moon Dance” and “Remains of the Day” from Corpse Bride. “The Secret Garden” and “Dark Ritual” by Adrian von Ziegler are both creepy. I could go on and on. If you need music for a specific situation, feel free to ask me!

[tetrakys]

My rewrite of MCL UL first dates - Castiel

I liked the Episode10, I just think the writing could have dared more. Here’s my take on Castiel’s date.

I was finishing my shower when I heard someone knocking on my dorm’s door.

“Yeleen? Come in!” I wrapped a towel around me before going into the room. “Why did you…”

It wasn’t Yeleen.

I pulled my towel tight around me, making sure nothing was showing and let him in.

“What are you doing here, Castiel? Weren’t we supposed to meet at the Snake Room?!”

“Y-yes, but, do you mind getting dressed first? It’s kind of flustering to have a conversation like this.”

He tried to laugh it off, but couldn’t hide the heath in his eyes while he tried and failed not to stare at me from head to toe. Was he really a little flustered? The big bad wolf. The famous rocker, man of the world.

“My my… did you change your mind about that shower?”  I came a step closer grabbing the end of his tie nonchalantly “you are a little overdressed though.”

He looked me straight in the eye with a barely contained mischievous smirk at the corner of his lips and I realised… he was baiting me! He really was the big bad wolf! Damn… was I ever going to play on an even field with this guy?! Backing off before giving him a chance to call my bluff, pointing at the wardrobe behind him, I said “Just teasing” voice shaking just a little while avoiding his hot stare “move so I can grab some clothes.”

Instead of moving he rummaged through my closet for a few seconds and then handed me some clothes wadded up in a ball.

“I have always found your innocence so endearing, particularly when you try to act out all grown up.” He was openly grinning now, the asshole! “Get dressed, we’ll worry about that afterwards.”

I grabbed the clothes with one hand and locked myself securely up in the bathroom. Geez…

I straightened the clothes he had handed me and realised what he had picked. It was a little black dress he knew very well, he had given it to me as a gift for my birthday a few weeks before our break up. I had never had a chance to wear it while we were together and never had it in me to do it afterwards. I put it at the back of my closet and left it there for years but, for some reasons, I took it with me when I moved back in town. The subconscious can really work in funny and not-so-mysterious ways sometimes.

I put the dress on and realised right away that there were two big problems. First, my body had definitely changed in the past four years. Now I had boobs, and hips. The dress was very tight around my chest, making breathing a little more difficult than what it’s supposed to be, and short on my legs, reaching mid-thigh. This may have not been a great inconvenience if it wasn’t for the second problem: the bastard didn’t give me any underwear! I looked myself in the mirror and briefly considered asking him to get me something else to wear. Hell no, no tapping out. Endearing innocence my ass.

I quickly put on some make-up, just mascara and eyeliner, left my long hair still a little dump hanging on my shoulders, and stepped out of the bathroom barefooted. He was looking out of the window and turned around when he heard the door opening. If I didn’t know him as well as I did I would have been a little disappointed because, as he started at me, he looked completely relaxed if not slightly bored. But I knew better, he had some tell-tale signs he wasn’t completely aware of that had been quite revealing in the past. When he was nervous he tightened his fists. When he was sheepish (crazy I know, but sometimes it did happen) he swallowed. When he was aroused he became very stiff, everywhere.

Right now? He was doing all of it.

“I though I was going to fall asleep”

I just looked at him without replying, sitting down on the bed, and his eyes didn’t miss how my skirt rose a few extra inches along my thighs. “What are you doing here?” I asked.

“There was no way around it… There’s a huge crowd in town. It looks like there’s some kind of festival organised in the park. I’d barely left my apartment when a bunch of girls rushed up to me in the street. I tried to get to the Snake Room but I got followed.”

“You got rushed by groupies? High school girls, I assume.”

“At first yes, except the swarm kept getting bigger. They were asking for selfies every which way. I hurried towards the bar, but a lot of them kept following me. So I came here, thinking they’d give up at the campus entrance, but…”

“They followed you all the way here?”

He didn’t reply.

“They followed you all the way here!”

“Still, I managed to get into the dorm alone, but the rumour must have spread.”

I picked the key on my desk and hurried to lock the door.

“… I guess it’s not the night-out you were expecting.”

I could tell he was feeling guilty but, to be honest, I was happy to be with him no matter where we were.

“I’m sure we can have a nice time here. I can put on some music and we can chat. Well… I don’t have anything to drink, but other than that, it’ll be just like the Snake Room!”

“Hmm, I’d like to see that” he said with his typical lopsided grin.

I switched on the music on my laptop. Some nice background music, kind of rock, obviously. Then, I turned on the string of lights hanging over my desk. “So, impressed?” I asked sitting back on the bed.

“Very” he laughed.

“Still, is it always like this? As soon as you leave home?”

“No, we released a new videoclip… and it has done really, really well online.”

“Oh really?” I picked up my phone “Show me.”

“Are you interested?” he asked surprised.

“Of course.” He searched online and clicked on the video before handing my phone back to me.

The videoclip started up.. The music started with bass sounds, and all of a sudden the drums joined accompanied by the guitar. It was powerful, it almost sounded like heavy metal. Much gloomier than what they’d done up until now. The first person that appeared in the video was Castiel. He was at the wheel of a black car and tearing through the forest at top speed. I recognised him, without recognising him… even though he was barely wearing make-up but… He got out of the car, dressed all in black, low-cut jeans and a black tank top. As he moved to close the car door, you got a glimpse of his hip bone and V-line abs. He was… incredibly charismatic and sexy. As I watched the video, he got up and leaned against my desk, watching my reaction. His voice rose in the music, powerful and soft at the same time… In the video you saw him go into a huge castle and hurtle down the stairs four steps at a time before joining a young woman in a bedroom. She was just wearing a see-through, navy blue negligée. He wrapped his arms around her waist, kissing her neck forcefully, and she abandoned herself totally in his arms. Close-ups of certain parts of the two actors’ bodies were the only things the viewer could see… I felt bile rising up my throat and didn’t even dare glance over at Castiel. God, I was jealous. The video ended focused on her, totally nude on him, blindfolded. She hold a vial of poison between her teeth and pretended to kiss him so she could pour it into his mouth. Castiel pushed her away, she got up and run off, letting him strangle alone in the bedroom. The other musicians weren’t in the video, just him. And the directing was incredible. It seemed like a short film.

“So there…” he said maybe a little embarrassed. I laid my phone down.

“Wow, that was… I understand the infatuation better now. The video’s awesome.”

“Thanks.”

“Up until now your face wasn’t in the videos. But you’re a really good actor.” Too good.

“They convinced me to do it, telling me it’d be successful if I put myself in the spotlight. I wasn’t really convinced but… I was the only one against the decision. So I gave in.”

We heard giggling. I got the impression they were sitting right outside the door in the hallway.

“Looks like they were right” I said smiling.

When he told me he had put it online just early that afternoon I almost couldn’t believe it. There were already 400,000 views and thousands of comments. I scrolled through the comments, they were all about Castiel. Mostly stupid thigs like “Marry me” or “To think that this guy goes to MY school!” I saw a link about a fan page asserting they had all the info about Castiel and clicked on it out of curiosity. “Castiel…geez… look!”

The latest post online was a picture of my dorm room door, indicating: ‘He went into an Anteros Academy resident room! OMG!’ Castiel looked at the picture for a long time before reacting.

“Well now, it definitely looks like we’re going to spend the evening here. They’ll end up getting tired of waiting.”

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t care.” He sat down on my bed.

“Aren’t you afraid of what they’re going to say when you leave here?”

“There’s another solution…” he said serious.

“What, using the window as an escape route?”

“Never leaving this room.” He looked at me straight in the eye and my heart skipped a bit. I could feel my skin burn everywhere he was caressing it with his eyes, and I suddenly remembered that I was completely naked under that little piece of fabric that was supposed to be a dress.

“You know… You have no reason to envy the girl in the video.”

He could tell, could he. “And yet, there’s good reason to” I said matter-of-factly. She had had her hands all over him.

“You are so very wrong…”

He sat closer to me and laid his hand on mine gently before looking me in the eye.

“Castiel…”

“The proof… I’m here… with you. Not with her. And you’re the one I want to be with tonight…”

His gaze went down to my lips. He raised his hand to caress my thigh, up and down, and up again always a little higher… When he moved his face close to mine I could feel his cool breath caress my chin, and then he left a small tender kiss at the hollow between my shoulder and neck.

I was about to lose my mind, but he had said something that had ticked me off a little. He wanted to be with me tonight. Meaning what? Tomorrow he would be with her? Or someone else?

“Funny how you were the only one in the video though… your bandmates never showed up.”

“Of course not” he said in between kisses along my neck “the story is about me.”

He froze at those words, like he had shared something he wasn’t supposed to. And then it hit me.

Him running to her. The passion, the hunger, the love. Then she betrays him and runs away, leaving him for dead. The actress had my same hair colour. Similar high and built.

“To the risk of sounding really pretentious… was that video about… us?”

He didn’t reply and I knew I had hit the nail on the head.

I raised my hand to his cheek caressing him with fake tenderness and, with poison in my voice, said “what a nice opinion you have of me… a murderous bitch.”

“The video was filmed in the summer, before you came back in town.”

“Still…”

He pushed me and I fell with my back flat on the bed. Setting between my legs, hands at each side of my had, he brought his face close to mine.

“You have no idea… Four years ago… how I felt.” Oh he was angry, looking at me with dark eyes… but I was angry too.

“I think I kinda know” I spat out.

“You left” he growled.

“You stayed!”

VLAN!

What the…?! A big bang on the door. We both jumped fast. It was so hard I thought the door was going to break. We heard giggling in the hallway. “Damn, watch out, you’re going to bust the door! We could get into trouble with the administration!” a voice said. “It’s the only way to find out if he’s really in there!”

“Well, looks like we’re going to have to cut the evening short. I’m going to handle this once and for all!”

He got up, really pissed off, and I was sure the crazy groupies were only part of the reason. I grabbed him by his wrist.

“Don’t do that, it’ll make the band look bad, it’ll calm down over the next few days! Don’t do anything you’d regret.”

Still, he flung the door open, and about fifteen speechless girls stood face to face with him in the hallway. A long silence ensued.

“Excitement’s what you want? Here you go!”

He took my face in his hands and angrily put his lips on mine in front of the group of girls gaping in the hallway. He kissed me with fervour and hunger and, at first, I just stood there, shocked, letting him have his way with me. However my body quickly acted on his own grabbing his hair and following him in the kiss. When my mind finally snapped out of it and I remembered all those people staring at us, he pulled away.

“Hi there!”

Castiel cut through the group before running down the hallway towards the exit. I stood there in the same position for a second, in the doorway, as the girls stared at me in shock. I stepped back in my room as soon as I saw one of them rummaging through her bag to pull out her phone, and slammed the door hard behind me.

Wow. I shook my head as if to get my thoughts straight. What had just happened?

The night was going so well, amicably chatting and flirting a bit at first. Then things got heated and we were about to… when we started to fight, still on the bed though. Who knows what would have happened if we had been left alone. At this point we would be either making out or killing each other. Possibly both by the look of that kiss. A kiss he gave me in front of a bunch of strangers to… what? Make a point?

I turned around right away and locked the door, thinking that those maniacs could open it if they wanted to. I caressed my lips… despite everything, he had definitely just kissed me. Did he really do it just to shut them up? Even though… before those silly morons banged on my door, we were going to…

I checked my phone and considered sending him a message, but I didn’t know how… or what to say. I let myself drop down flat on my stomach onto my bed, arms spread out in a cross. What had just happened for goodness sake?!! I played his video again and watched it non-stop, until I finally dozed off.

[jongintricacies]

my humble DMUMT review

STRAP IN AND STRAP ON LADIES, DMUMT IS A FUN RIDE!

y’all can blame Natalie for this - not under a read more bc idk how to put one in on mobile sldfhasdhf RIP. I’ve only listened through the album once, so here are my first impressions:

OVERALL I love how cohesive this album’s sound is - it took a style we know Exo does well, and that we love, refined it, and gave us a delicious sample platter! One thing that I will give The War and Ex’Act over DMUMT though, is that those past albums were more experimental. Throughout DMUMT, I found myself wishing that the producers had let Exo push the envelope juuuuust a little more, to really get into that weird territory (think Shinee, but more industrial). I think SM is a little reluctant to let Exo get Weird™ because it IS a risk, but........they should just do it. WE’RE STILL HERE AFTER WOLF, AREN’T WE??

Tempo: okay, miss tempo is much more fun and light-hearted than we were lead to believe!! i guess you can say that......I CANT BELIEVE (im so sorry). But yes, Tempo is so so fun and I haven’t watched the live performance from the showcase yet, but it’s a perfect title song to show off Exo as well-rounded performers (rap line killed it, vocal line killed it, everyone is amazing). ALSO, that a capella breakdown????? that was “if I ever fall in love again” by shai vibes!!!!!! fricking fantastic my dudes

Sign: transformer’s demure, sexy sister! this is a note that’ll be repeated in literally every song review, but Jongin’s voice!!! is so beautiful!!!! I also really like him and Minseok singing together, I realized that I don’t hear it often, but you can parse out their voices in the chorus and it’s a nice blend! something that I’m constantly impressed with is how tight Exo keeps their harmonies, even with 9 people! (yes, I know that this album has 8 voices except for the chinese ver of Tempo sdhfsdh let me live)

Ooh La La La: smooth af!! very very catchy chorus, more tight harmonies, I love the addition of the acoustic guitar!!!!! I’m always a sucker for vocalizing on top of rap. and I will say it again: JONGIN’S VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!! The verse that he starts off has real 90s/early 2000s boyband vibes (but more 112 than backstreet boys, yknow?)

Gravity: I listened to this in my car on the way to lab, and I shit you not, within the first 8 count I yelled to myself: “OH SHE’S A FUNKY BITCH!” and indeed she is. I also think i caught that little video game-style riff from Power in the beginning? Nice my dude. At this point, Gravity is one of my top favorites - the retro 80′s-esque sound really does it for me. Rap line SNAPPED in this song, I really want them to promote this!! Oh another reason that I’m realizing I like it so much is that it reminds me of Infinite’s older bangers (Hysterie, Be Mine, etc etc) With You: Your standard mid-tempo song - if DMUMT were a video game, With You would be that pleasant town you come across that’s convenient for grinding, but also has a lot of fun little side-quests for you to complete before moving onto the main storyline. A very chill aside, weirdly reminds me of “Sex You” by Bando Jones???? I think it’s the deep bass beats lol

24/7: The chorus is VERY catchy, and I love the production on this one. I feel like this song wouldn’t have been out of place on Ex’Act. We’re still in side-quest town territory with this one, but it’s definitely more memorable than With You.

Bad Dream: Okay, so this is the sound that I’ve always wished El Dorado had based on the teaser audio! Mature, house-y, synthy goodness. And yes.......JONGIN’S VOICE!!! (I want to note that everyone sounds amazing in every song, but as a Jongin stan, I was pleasantly surprised to hear him so clearly!)

Damage: An ass-shaking anthem if I’ve ever heard one. Let Out The Beast who?? Do It Together who????????? I only know miss Damage and mister Kim Kai’s VOCAL RUN. Thanks king.

Smile On My Face: Okay I have an implicit negative bias against non-Shinee ballads, bc they usually don’t do it for me, but I actually like this song!! It’s nothing novel, but the harmonies are lovely and the production is minimal, so it’s a very pleasant listen.

Oasis: It’s so interesting to me that they put this last - it calls back to Going Crazy as The War’s closer, to have kind of a darker, more serious sound versus something uplifting or bop-y. I do love the sound of this one though, I think that it isn’t something that they’ve quite attempted before (it’s surprisingly very indie!) and they executed it well!

I haven’t looked up any lyric translations, or watched any of the live performances, but God DAMN Tempo and Ooh La La La better have amazing choreography to make up for the lack of Yixing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i really do miss his voice in the mix TT TT )

[thesinglesjukebox]

SHAKIRA & MALUMA - CLANDESTINO

[6.33]

Is it Shaluma or Makira?

Juan F. Carruyo: We're probably reaching peak Shaluma by now but I get it. Although it's super common for superstars to join forces, it makes a difference when they come from the same place; they're making Colombia proud and I wish them well, but this is not the way. Just another tepid, morose reggaeton without any of the trademark wit that helped Shakira establish herself early on or any of the sass that made her an international superstar. This is even miles away from the catchiness of Chantaje, just a 3 minute drag. [2]

Stephen Eisermann: Shakira is so good at embodying whatever vibe she wants her song to emanate, as seen in "Clandestino" where she slinks across the beat with her soft upper register. It feels so sexy and forbidden and Maluma plays into her game well, proving that sometimes reusing a winning formula really is what's best. [7]

Juana Giaimo: Shakira and Maluma make a good duo because they share similar vocal strategies: they either use an almost rapped flow or slightly dramatic vocals. The rest is how their voices weave to seduce each other. After "Trap" they return to a reggaeton song that puts emphasis in the "reggae" part, thanks to the guitar riff of the beginning. Along with their voices, the beat is the star of this single: the loud rhythm of the prechorus fills the song with energy along with Shakira's intense vocals. Unfortunately, the chorus doesn't keep up with that: the beat goes back to normal and the vocals become shy. [7]

Alfred Soto: Now this is reggae, and the well-matched performers don't outshout each other or drown the other's lines. I can even imagine myself moving to it. [7]

Ramzi Awn: Like Jhené Aiko, Shakira's voice purrs with the right kind of bass. The melody does what you want it to, and Shakira and Maluma succeed in an illicit seduction. "Clandestino" has grooves for days. [8]

Jonathan Bogart: Reggae is back baby. It's good again. Awoouu (wolf howl). [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[gopunksphilly-blog]

The Limelight...cuz' even us punks like to dance!!!

We’re feeling incredibly modest about the whole experience because the two kids from 4th Street are in very uncharted territory right now and we don’t even have our ‘Misfits’ to share the moment or shelter us from this newfound notoriety.

Thankfully, we have the Liverpool kids shuffling us onto the dance floor before our young DJ starts spinning again.  “OY’ you lot r’ lookin’ quite shell-shocked roit’ now.  Let’s get em’ bodies movin’…c’mon…git’ the blood flowin’!” Nigel yells, as Gem and I both shake the cobwebs off; promptly returning to just being two punks out having fun with some friends.   “Ay, get this, you lot.  I got a chance to chat up this young bloke at the tables, an’ this boy named Jordy, he’s done been to Manchester, Liverpool an’ is ‘riginally from Detroit.  All I’m sayin’ is, be prepared t’ be wowed by his second show!!”

Our young buck gets his second act going well with a jazzed up mix of Numan/Tubeway Army’s ‘Are ‘Friends’ Electric’, which sends Gem into the stratosphere.  “Birdie and my jam, Robbs!!  Let’s get moving,” she says excitedly while she sways her hips against mine.  She’s looking around at everyone dancing closely and gets the biggest grin.  “What a cool, mix of a crowd we’re in!  They all look awesome together.”  She’s right, it’s quite an eclectic group of races with punks, wavers, straights, gays, lesbians and there are definitely some cross dressers who could pass for glamorous showgirls in the club.  It’s like the United Nations of Bohemia in our midst, and we’re enjoying every bit of its beauty and decadence.  “A la vie Boheme, Gemma darling!!”

“You couldn’t be more right, Robbs!” she exclaims as our lips meet, with our tongues darting as wildly as our hands move over each other’s bodies.

Gem glances to her side and laughs out loud while the tribe mugs it up at our expense and Jordy keeps our enjoyable ride going, mixing bass lines together as Siouxsie’s dark dirge, ‘Israel’ now thumps through the club, much to the joy of the Goth contingent.  Nigel, Ian, Donna and Sharon are pulling off a real cool slow groove to the beat, so Gem and I try to match their steps while Jackie comfortably slinks in behind Gem, picking up from where she left off earlier, latching onto Gem’s hips while they both move dead sexy with one another.

We’re having a grand time dancing, plus taking turns hitting the bar for drinks, with Gem and I making most of the runs, since the bartender seems to have enjoyed our performance.  “Here you go, rock stars, on the house!” he yells every time we arrive and my wallet is enjoying his fantastic generosity.  

Wonderkid Jordy keeps the party going with some revamped, incredible mixes of Berlin’s, ‘Sex’ and ‘Metro’ and Animotion’s, ‘Obsession’,  just to name a few and when we take a short break from dancing, more club regulars stop by to remark about our playing.  We can’t tell them enough what a stroke of luck it was to run into Joan Jett at the Plaza and how it culminated into a not to be believed experience for the both of us.  In between more shots and beer being purchased for us by some appreciative music lovers, another group of club kids ask Gem for her autograph on the concert stubs. “Thank you so much for this, guys! I must admit, I’m overwhelmed…” she adds with a hint of embarrassment.  

Jordy keeps the music driving hard with more slick mixes and beats, causing Nigel to exclaim, ‘this is the future, you lot.  You heard it ‘ere t’night…the future!!”  The Liverpool girls start dancing around Gem, taking turns matching her every move.  There’s not an inch between them and Gem laughs, blushing again when its Sharon and Donna’s turn to give her a little ear nibbling.  It’s par for the course in a night of revelry at the Limelight.

 *******

             We’re nearing the two o’ clock hour and I can feel my heart racing again.  Nigel, Jackie and the Liverpool tribe have been incredibly fun company and we’re having a blast kicking the jams to a sick mix of ‘The Chase’ from the movie, ‘Midnight Express’ and if you listen closely enough, it sounds like Jordy has pieced parts of Pink Floyd’s, ‘On the Run’ throughout the song.  Nigel and Ian are right about this; if Jordy is a taste of what’s yet to come from the Brit and Detroit sound, we are in for some fucking unbelievably brilliant club music.

Gem starts eyeing the cages overhead and grins at Jackie.  “Wow!  That looks like so much fun but the girls look exhausted when they get lowered down. All in all, I still bet it would be so bitchin’!”  Overhearing their conversation, Nigel and I seem to be having the same thought, adeptly tracking down one of the bouncers Gem and I had met earlier backstage and inquiring whether she’d be able to dance in the cage.  Within minutes, one of the cages is lowered to the floor while Nigel and I deftly maneuver back to where the girls and Ian have Gem immersed in conversation.

Nigel gives them the nod as they spin Gem around to observe a now empty cage, awaiting her arrival.  “Your cage awaits, Punk Princess!” I exclaim while the girls push her towards it. “C’mon now, Gem you gouh’geous girl! Show us Liverpool birds a thing ‘er two!” Donna yells excitedly.

“Robbs, I could just kill you and Nigel!!!” she screeches while laughing hysterically.  

“As I’ve said before, Gem, just promise to enjoy the day!” I yell as she’s lifted away.  “OH MY GOD, I WILL BABE!!” she bellows, before being slowly hoisted into a stratosphere of morphing lights and sounds.

Jordy does a brilliant segue into another exceptional dance tune from the decadent disco times and one of Gem’s favorites; Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love.’  I don’t care what generation you’re from, if you want a song that will make anyone turn into a massively sexual being, this is the one. Hot bodies bathed in sweat twist, curve, and countour, enveloping sensually throughout the venue and all I can say is that our Detroit born whiz kid has hit the jackpot with this mix.

Gliding towards a better vantage point to spy the goings on with our caged, twirling, punk ballerina perched in the heavens above, Nigel and Ian pair off with Donna and Sharon, with Jackie enjoying the chance to grind her dead sexy hips slowly into mine.  “’Ello again, love,” she coos.  “Let’s look skyward and see what your beautiful gal is up to.”  

Just as I’d surmised, Gem is spinning like a top because this song drives her senses into overload!!  Whenever they play it at City Gardens on club nights, Gem just tears up the floor.  The spotlights moonbeam glow darts and dashes between the cages, bathing the girls in massive rays of hot, white light. Jackie keeps perfect pace with me but there’s no aversion of our attention from the auburn haired hellcat above us.  Her long strands catch the light, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.  While her hands grip the bars in front of her, she swings her hips furiously to the synth mixed beat, stopping just long enough to let loose another high kick; resting her stiletto heel on one of the long crossbars of the cage.  

Jackie and tribe gawk in amazement at the cat like dexterity Gem displays for such a tall girl on those death defying stilts.  “I ‘ave no reservations ‘bout tellin’ you this, Robbs, but I am purely, sex’ly infatuated with yoh’ beautiful, tall Gem!” she laughs before pecking my neck.  Dancing even closer with her now, I can only smile while replying, “I’m starting to get the feeling that EVERYONE is, Jackie!” as the Liverpool rudes continue their barrage of wolf whistles in pure admiration of their new, wild girl ‘rude’.

           As Jordy continues his blazing, seismic rendition of Summer’s classic, the club patrons are eating up his spinning prowess and it shows; the sexual heat of this dance floor and the balconies above is just blistering!  I’ve heard from people before that on any given night, the Limelight VIP rooms or the maze of hallways and hidden spots can be a hotbed for drugs and pleasures of the skin, so I can’t even imagine what must be transpiring within the darkened nooks and crannies of this former house of worship during this debaucherous roller coaster ride our talented spin master has generated tonight.

           Nigel’s having a ball observing the modern, Roman orgy unfold in our midst but he’s especially enthralled with the auburn fireball still twirling madly above.  “Christ, mate, your Gem is fit n’ fuckin’ brill’!! ‘At birds got this lot eatin’ out the palm ‘oer hand an’ that isn’t no tosh!  GO GET ‘IM, SWAN!!!!” Gem falls to her knees, swinging her hair wildly in the spotlights now orange, sun glow while continuing to put on quite a sensual exhibition.   Swiftly getting to her feet after doing some jaw dropping moves she starts spinning around again, stopping only long enough to do a feline stretch across the lower bar while smiling beautifully to the adoring masses, the Liverpool tribe and me.

“Shite, Robbs, the only thing missing in ‘er is a stripper’s pole for Gem to swing on!  Jesus, she’s dead sexy!!!” Jackie laughs again.   I can’t agree more, I’ve seen my girl tear up a dance floor before, but what she’s doing in that cage is purely mesmerizing; especially to this eighteen year old guy and Jackie knows it!  “Baby, yoh’ in sto’ for a helluva’ ride tonight from yo’ bird,” she whispers seductively into my ear.  “Too right, I’d looove t’ be on the other side o’ ‘at wall t’nite!!”

The explosive synth beat of the track fades into tranquil lucidity, the beat slows to an intentionally laborious pace and Gem waves for the bouncer to lower the gilded dance cage and before we know it, our dancing dynamo has returned to the Limelight’s floor.  More club-goers, especially the punk kids, engage Gem when she steps out and of course Donna, Sharon and Jackie are there to shower the object of their affection with hugs and kisses.  Jackie eventually nudges Gem towards my direction as our spin master Jordy maintains the faint, slow synth beat.  “Damn girl, you were effing’ incredible up there.  I don’t even think I want to know where some of those moves came from,” I coyly remark.  

“Rob Cavelli, what are you suggesting, you dirty dog?” she inquires with a giggle.  “Actually, Stace worked as a stripper for a while and showed me a move or two when I was at the house on South Street.”  I can’t help but chuckle at the thought of then, nineteen year old Stace showing my Gem, at the age of thirteen some ‘bump and grind’ stripper moves, but like Gem has previously stated, her and my shedding of childhood innocence happened quite a few years apart.

The music ramps up ever so slightly in pace and sound; before we know it, Godley and Crème’s new hit ‘Cry’ slowly vibrates through the sound system.  Nigel wraps his arms around Sharon, while Jackie and Donna encircle a happily contented Ian.  Gem slides in comfortably closer to Jackie, whispering something into her ear which has our ‘rude girl’ giggling.  “’Ave fun you two!!” she replies sunnily, before spinning away with Ian in a euphoric dance of sensuality.

“Come with me,” Gem whispers in my ear, as she pulls me through the club, circumnavigating around the exquisite sight of couples from all walks of life grooving slowly to Jordy’s wonderously enticing, extended spin.  Arriving hastily to a flight of stairs, she turns to me, her bewitching, cat-like, emerald eyes stopping me dead in my tracks.  “Come on, baby boy, keep up with me,” she whispers seductively in my ear as the chase up the stairs begins.  

Winding through small rooms, dark hallways and crazy, little nooks; past couples shrouded in the shadows, Gem finally stops when we reach our own little dark corner away from the world.  To one side, a black enclosure; a fortress of solitude from the crowds, to the other side we can still see the dance floor below, the bodies massed together in lovers embraces; the spotlights weaving to and fro, illuminating the stained glass in an otherworldly radiance.  “Gem, this is extraordinary!  Where did you even find…”

Her eyes once again burn through my essence while she takes hold of me, shrouding me inside her secret hideaway.  “Shhh…Baby boy, this has been the most memorable day of my life.  Let’s enjoy this moment, enraptured in the music. I’ll love you forever, Robbs.  I know you’ll never break my heart.”  

She reigns me in as our lips meet, the music, the church, the lights skirting past our secret hideaway, now becoming an incredible backdrop to the tenderness taking place between us.  The two, rough and tumble punk kids of the Philly streets; the Prince and his Princess swathed in the torrid, fiery rapture only discovered in true love’s kiss.

An excerpt from Rich Cucarese’s (that’s me!!) upcoming, literary fictional novel, ‘PUNKS’...Chapter 25, ‘The Towers of Gold’

Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’ ...one of the sexiest club songs ever...even to a punk, club kid!!!  Enjoy!!

[soundofawesomeblog]

100 songs for the ultimate 2017 playlist: this is Estelle’s picks for the best DAMN. tracks of the year.

2017 is the year when everyone is tired of all the bullshit. It is the year when you can’t just be a silent witness. It is the year when whistleblowers brought horrible people down, some of which managed to keep a shiny facade for decades all while being pieces of crap behind closed doors. It is the year (Afro-)American football athletes acted like heroes. It is the year Australia voted in favour of same-sex marriage and realized that love was the answer.

Don’t get me wrong: 2017 was horrible in an awful lot of ways. But we need to look at the positive if we want to be able to advance in 2018. Many artists felt the need to address the state of the world as it is right now and managed to make diamonds from the coal. Some were confrontational, some were loving and caring. But all of the artists behind the 100 songs on this list helped on their own scale to make our lives more bearable. 

As usual, this is my personal list of the best jams of 2017; Léa's list of 100 songs and Mathieu’s choices are also available now. If you want more music, you can revisit my lists of 2014, 2015 and 2016. This time, however, the top 50 tracks will come with a short description so you can know what to expect from them.

100. Cardi B – Bodak Yellow 99. Nilufer Yanya – Golden Cage 98. Wolf Alice – Don’t Delete The Kisses 97. Priests – Nothing Feels Natural 96. Tove Lo – Disco Tits 95. Vince Staples – Crabs In A Bucket 94. Sampha – (No One Knows Me) Like The Piano 93. Future – Mask Off 92. Tops – Petals 91. Cuesta Loeb – Grass It Grows 90. Sleigh Bells – Rainmaker 89. Kesha – Praying 88. Tyler, The Creator feat. ASAP Rocky – Who Dat Boy 87. Father John Misty – Pure Comedy 86. Remo Drive – Art School 85. French Montana feat. Sae Lee – Unforgettable 84. Miguel – Told You So 83. MØ – Nights With You 82. SZA feat. Travis Scott – Love Galore 81. Methyl Ethel – Ubu 80. Carly Rae Jepsen – Cut To The Feeling 79. Alex Lahey – I Haven’t Been Taking Care Of Myself 78. Paramore – Hard Times 77. Jay-Z - The Story of O.J. 76. Charly Bliss – Westermarck

75. King Krule - Dum Surfer 74. The Courtneys - Minnesota 73. LCD Soundsystem – tonite 72. Jay Som – Baybee 71. Slowdive – Don’t Know Why 70. Charli XCX feat. Uffie – Babygirl 69. Lorde – Perfect Places 68. Kelly Lee Owens feat. Jenny Hval – Anxi. 67. Haim – Want You Back 66. Naomi Elizabeth – When You Got The Best You’re Like Wow 65. Japandroids – North East South West 64. Hannah Diamond - Never Again 63. Washed Out – Get Lost 62. BROCKHAMPTON – GUMMY 61. Mura Masa feat. Charli XCX – 1 Night 60. Lana Del Rey feat. The Weeknd – Lust For Life 59. Tkay Maidza & Danny L Harle - Bom Bom 58. Phoebe Bridgers – Motion Sickness 57. St. Vincent – Los Ageless 56. Charly Bliss – Percolator 55. Haim – Right Now 54. Real Estate – Darling 53. Pale Waves – There’s A Honey 52. Makthaverskan – In My Dreams 51. Julien Baker – Appointments

50. Saya - Cold Fire

Canadian newcomer Saya proves that the coolest pop happens North of the border with Cold Fire, the sonic equivalent to a dark thick and sexy cloud of smoke. And it feels just as dangerous as the title implies it.

49, Beach Fossils – Down The Line

Driven by a bouncy bass line worthy of Joy Division, Down the Line sees Beach Fossils revealing a 4am indie text message of a track, a low-key anthem to living a slacker life and trying to find someone to share it with.

48. Calvin Harris feat. Frank Ocean & Migos – Slide

Calvin Harris created with Slide the dancefloor number we always knew Frank Ocean had in him, with inspiration from Thinking 'Bout You's echoed handclaps and Nikes' pitched up vocal hook. More important, Ocean sounds fun in a way we rarely see in his solo work. Migos' verses only add more spice.

47. The Drums – Blood Under My Belt

One of the best songs of the summer, Blood Under My Belt is a catchy slice of effortless indie pop that should stand the test of time like The Drums' best material for decades to come.

46. Lorde – Supercut

Lorde embodies the millennial generation through one of our best guilty pleasures: supercut videos. The song feels as dizzying as the lyrics, with various moving parts stitched together better than any supercut you'll find on YouTube.

45. Kendrick Lamar – DNA.

Kendrick Lamar's attack mode is something to behold. On DNA. he raps about his blackness and attacks FOX News' divisive and clueless stances, all while riding one of the hardest beat of the year on the track's back end.

44. Selena Gomez – Bad Liar

Selena Gomez gets serious indie cred for sampling Psycho Killer's bass line, and the fact that it's pretty much all that backs her up on Bad Liar showcases her talent as a charismatic interpret for this year's best low-key pop moment.

43. Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile - Over Everything

Two of the greatest slack-rock icons of today pair up for some serious hammock soundtrack as Courtney Barnett and Kurt Vile stop time together in the chilliest of ways on Over Everything.

42. Björk - The Gate

"It’s about rediscovering love", said Björk to Dazed about her latest album, Utopia. Lead single The Gate showcases the veteran artist surrounded by reverb and deep love, pleading for the unnamed "you" to care for her until Arca's production finally takes over.

41. LCD Soundsystem - call the police

James Murphy and his friends have lost nothing of their dance-punk instincts and LCD Soundsystem builds another snowballing number with call the police, a track that becomes so manic you might as well text the cops.

40. Colour Of Spring - Love

Leeds' best-kept secret, Colour of Spring is yet to release a full album, but Love sounds like it came from a classic shoegaze band with years of experience, all while keeping the urgency of someone trying to break out into the scene.

39. Kelela - LMK

Kelela came of age on Take Me Apart, her first full-length album and LMK is the sound of an artist finding her own, unique lane. Here, Kelela mixes Smooth R&B vocals to a bass-heavy beat from the future.

38. (Sandy) Alex G - Bobby

(Sandy) Alex G's latest album was a little less lo-fi than his earlier works, but Bobby proves that he can still make charming and honest folk music when he wants. Emily Yacina's voice only adds more warmth to a track as comfortable as a blanket.

37. The War On Drugs - Holding On

Channeling the gods of classic rock and indie, The War On Drugs deliver one of the band's most immediate and blown up song of its catalogue with the urgent Holding On.

36. Mac Demarco - My Old Man

Freak folk icon Mac DeMarco realizes he is becoming like his father in the worst ways on My Old Man, but his trademark no fuss delivery renders his uh-ohs as charming as he can be.

35. Lil Uzi Vert - XO TOUR Llif3

The exact moment where grunge, SoundCloud, hip-hop and mainstream collided together, XO TOUR Llif3 is one of the most depressing but also fascinating singles to make it to the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100.

34. Kevin Morby - City Music

Even with a limited set of lyrics, folk rock artist Kevin Morby channels his inner Marquee Moon on the ambitious City Music, a musical trip that starts with a soothing guitar riff and turns into a damn fine jam.

33. Miguel feat. Travis Scott - Sky Walker

It's no news that Miguel can do sexy, but with Sky Walker, he injects a whole dose of fun and raunchy one-liners to his music for a smooth party number.

32. Alvvays - In Undertow

On In Undertow, indie pop darlings Alvvays' comeback single, the Canadian band sounds more direct and confident than ever. With its waves of guitar wooshes and Molly Rankins’ unique voice, it’s a real heartthrob. 

31. Frank Ocean - Chanel

Frank Ocean is on a streak; after releasing the outstanding Blonde in 2016, he came back with several singles in 2017. On Chanel, he blurs the lines between rapping and crooning, carrying the sparse production all the way over the high expectations he now has to deal with.

30. Alice Glass - Without Love

God bless Alice Glass and her comeback. There was no better way to start the next chapter of her career than with such a devastating electropop single, one where she channels a mix of the darkest parts of Samus from Metroid and Grimes for unique results.

29. SZA - Drew Barrymore

Perhaps the biggest revelation of 2017, SZA exposes all of her flaws and insecurities on Drew Barrymore, an honest R&B ballad set to a gin-fuelled backbeat. Her skilful flow in the verses is only a bonus.

28. Miya Folick - Give It To Me

Miya Folick showcases a sweet voice over a sparse guitar riff until she really, really wants you to give it to her. Then, her voice launches into the stratosphere as goosebumps emerge from your entire body.

27. Slowdive - Sugar For The Pill

Sugar for the Pill is quite the ballad, but it is still the most pop Slowdive has ever been with Neil Halstead's voice front and center over the dreamy guitars.

26. Vince Staples - Big FIsh

Don't let the banging beat or an uncredited Juicy J fool you with its club-ready hook; Vince Staples is not praising partying, money and booze on Big Fish. He instead reflects on his past misfortunes and how he can try to leave it behind him.

25. Thundercat - Friend Zone

No one did groovy in 2017 the way Thundercat did. Friend Zone is the best example of this, with its dizzying synths, bouncy bass line and Thundercat's unique voice.

24. Jay Som - The Bus Song

Jay Som is a low-key girl. She makes bedroom pop and likes the bus. Yet on The Bus Song, she hints at bigger ambitions with her rich arrangements and undeniable sense of melody. 

23. Jay-Z - 4:44

One year after Beyoncé called him out for cheating on Lemonade, Jay-Z takes the blame and faces how he fucked up on 4:44. And unlike the wave of apologies that came out in the last few months, this one feels sincere. Oh, and it's got quite the beat too.

22, Waxahatchee - Never Been Wrong

Katie Crutchfield opens her fourth album as Waxahatchee with a solid rock single, ready to defeat someone who wronged her badly - and who is definitely going to regret it.

21. Screaming Females - Glass House

This post-punk number is driven by an incessant bassline and start-stops from the rest of the band while Marissa Paternoster gives an unforgettable vocal performance.

20. The xx - I Dare You

Oliver Sim and Romy's voices intertwine perfectly on I Dare You, pleading to fall in love over a Jamie xx beat that recalls the band’s early days.

19. Charly Bliss - Glitter

Real glitter is apparently as toxic to the environment than the relationship Eva Hendricks details in this track, one that matches powerpop and indie aspirations with melody, fun and one hell of a hook.

18. Pierre Kwenders - Sexus Plexus Nexus

Polyglot, Montréal-based Pierre Kwenders offers a smooth as hell mix of world music on Sexus Plexus Nexus, a track that should bring bodies closer to each other on any dancefloor.

17. Tyler, The Creator feat. Frank Ocean & Steve Lacy - 911/Mr. Lonely

Tyler, The Creator enlists Steve Lacy and Frank Ocean for a breezy complaint about being lonely on 911, a trend he flips on the Mr. Lonely part of the song. There, he quits playing games and admits that he can't even lie, he's been lonely as fuck.

16. Mount Eerie - Real Death

Death became a common theme in music lately, and Mount Eerie's mourning of his wife on Real Death might be the most honest, direct and arresting testament of grief yet.

15. The War On Drugs - Thinking Of A Place

It's not the first trick in the book to release a comeback single that runs for eleven minutes. But The War On Drugs pulls it off with Thinking Of A Place, a song that embraces classic and indie rock in a laidback way. After all, we've got all our time.

14. Slowdive - Slomo

Slowdive's Slomo is seven minutes of pure bliss. Three decades in the scene, the British band manages to bring a track that already sits up there as one of the best shoegaze anthems.

13. Khalid - Young Dumb & Broke

"Yeah we're just young, dumb and broke, but we still got love to give" sings the newly Grammy nominated Khalid. Here, he delivers a laidback anthem for a generation that has nothing else to do but get high and live its life like there are still plenty of tomorrows.

12. St. Vincent - New York

St. Vincent is now an insane BDSM lord, but her most powerful single in 2017 was still a tender ballad called New York. Is it a love letter to the city? To David Bowie? To her ex? No answer can be as satisfying as the way she says "motherfucker" in the track.

11. Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights

Julien Baker knows how to strip naked her emotions in her songs. In Turn Out the Lights' finale, she lets it all out as she realizes she needs to get out of her lowest point on her own.

10. Julie Byrne - Natural Blue

Singer-songwriter Julie Byrne looks as peaceful as ever on the cover of her latest indie folk album Not Even Happiness, and highlight ballad Natural Blue feels just as comforting.

9. Japandroids - No Known Drink Or Drug

All Japandroids songs are propelled by a crunchy riff and a big rush of passion. No Known Drink Or Drug just happens to pack an unmatched level of it all, as rock and love triumphs in a truly life-affirming anthem.

8. Alvvays - Dreams Tonite

Dreams Tonite unfolds like a flower in Spring, with Molly Rankin's voice as sweet as a late-night milkshake for a soothing and timeless twee pop number.

7. Perfume Genius - Slip Away

The single most uplifting moment in a song this year comes exactly 49 seconds into Slip Away. Perfume Genius opens the curtains wide to show his love to the world in the loudest chamber pop number.

6. Kendrick Lamar - HUMBLE.

Kendrick never really left, but HUMBLE. hits harder than any comeback. Kung Fu Kenny's first solo #1 saw him take the throne and shut down all pretenders as hip-hop biggest force.

5. Lorde - Green Light

Lorde is all grown up now and she knows how to build a memorable, if quirkily constructed, hit single. Green Light is the sound of a popstar hitting her zeitgeist, a dance song that feels vital.

4. Charli XCX - Boys

My favorite emoji lately has hearts in lieu of eyes and Boys sounds like its favorite song. Here, Charli gets lost in her pretty boys' fantasies, laying in a bed full of heart-shaped pillows, and forgets about her problems, one game coin sound at a time.

3. Lana Del Rey - Love

After years of dark and bleak songs, Lana Del Rey decided in 2017 to look out for us. For the first time, she sounds happy and bubbly: Love was the unexpected rush of hope we so desperately needed this year. "Don't worry baby..."

2. Vince Staples - Yeah Right

With boundaries-pushing production from SOPHIE and Flume, Vince Staples provides the most forward-thinking rap song of the year. Add Kendrick flexing one of his best flows in a guest verse and you've got the biggest banger you haven't heard yet on Yeah Right.

1. Sorority Noise - No Halo

Written by Cameron Boucher as he pulled off in front of his friend's house, forgetting he passed away a year ago, No Halo is emo's most essential single in this decade. An arresting number, the song reaches a whole new level on its gut-wrenching chorus.In a year when our heads spun out of control in all directions, No Halo is a reminder that life is short and that you should tell your close ones that you love them before it’s too late.

This is it for this year, one in which I found myself toying with the top 10 up until the very last minute. If you want to listen to these songs, I encourage you to check the Spotify playlist at the bottom that should contain almost all of the tracks you’ve seen here.