#and THATS why he and armand are perfect for each other-

[luckydicekirby]

belated director's commentary ask: talk more about how daniel sucks in all human decisions <3

LSDFJKSLD wow thanks for giving me an excuse to talk about my favorite subject, daniel molloy being The Worst <3

so all human decisions is about like. okay it's about multiple things because I couldn't shut up, but it's partially about daniel learning to see himself in armand (objectively a monster). both in the very obvious He's Not Human Anymore way, and then also drawing that out into--well, was he ever? like yes, he was human, but hasn't he always been a monster? he's always been an asshole and a bad father and cared more about sexy vampire stuff than his actual children. A bit of repetition I like is the two lines about Daniel playing favorites--first him lying about not playing favorites with his daughters, and then admitting later he had always played favorites between his daughters and his work.

Daniel being a terrible father is soooo important to me. I actually went back and forth on whether he should ever have an actual onscreen conversation with his daughters in this fic, because maybe it would have been fun/effective to like, show him trying and failing to connect with her, and also probably being a huge asshole. In the end I don't think I would have written something super interesting, and I wanted the phone call with Mellie to be one way and silent on Daniel's end basically to extend out the "veil between them" metaphor from "no maker-fledgeling vampire telepathy" thing--I tried to describe it in the same language, etc. (this is something I had a lot of fun with in TVL because Armand is constantly bringing it up as a reason Lestat and his fledgelings are never gonna make it work, so I stole it a little.) Another thing this fic is about is about how parenthood and vampire parenthood is the same and both of those are about how you can never understand your children (unless you're both evil freaks, have you tried that?). (Actually I BRIEFLY thought about making the reason Mellie picked up the phone be that it was like, her birthday, and she thought Daniel was calling about that and he didn't even remember [both because he does habitually forget his daughter's birthdays, and bc vampires probably keep horrible time!]...I think that would be Too Much and also distract from Armand's serial killer shit. but fun concept!)

(Speaking of Mellie there was no way to get this into the fic but, like, she hates being called Mellie too. She goes by Mel. Daniel do you like even listen to your kids when they talk.)

I did also have fun with just having Daniel kill a lot of randos in this fic. He's a vampire he's gotta eat! It's something I think about a lot re: Daniel becoming a vampire, both in how they're going to do it in the show and how it plays out in Queen of the Damned. I HAVE posted about this before but i WILL talk about it again, but the very very final scene of Devil's Minion isn't Daniel's turning—it's Armand bringing him to a girl to eat her:

He could have wept to think of it, wept at the deep-throated moan of the trumpet—and yet he wasn’t weeping. He had caught a strong seductive aroma. God, what is it? His whole body seemed to harden inexplicably. Then suddenly he was staring at a young girl. She sat in a small gilded straight-back chair watching him, ankles crossed, her thick brown hair a gleaming mop around her white face. Her scant clothes were dirty. A little runaway with her torn jeans and soiled shirt. What a perfect picture, even to the sprinkling of freckles across her nose, and the greasy backpack that lay at her feet. But the shape of her little arms, the way her legs were made! And her eyes, her brown eyes! He was laughing softly, but it was humorless, crazed. It had a sinister sound to it; how strange! He realized he had taken her face in his hands and she was staring up at him, smiling, and a faint scarlet blush came in her warm little cheeks. Blood, that was the aroma! His fingers were burning. Why, he could even see the blood vessels beneath her skin! And the sound of her heart, he could hear it. It was getting louder, it was such a . . . a moist sound. He backed away from her. “God, get her out of here!” he cried. “Take her,” Armand whispered. “And do it now.”

and that's the end of the chapter! Okay there's a lot to unpack here which I will not be unpacking but I do think it's so so interesting that Daniel freaks out here--this guy has been begging to be turned into a vampire for a decade! DID he ever stop and think about what it really truly means to kill people? I wanted to carry over a bit of the horror movie aspect of this into the end of the fic, which is how I got to Armand puppeting the avatar of Daniel's daughter around. I was also having trouble getting the ending to gel and what ended up really helping it come together was realizing Mrs. Nameless Miami Suburban Mom was going to die--she actually lived in the first version of the ending I wrote, and Armand was kind of like aw how cute he doesn't want to eat her! how silly! But I finally got to her dying as kind of an extension of Daniel's neglect of his daughters...like, he can want to protect them, or have a relationship with them, but he never actually puts in the work. And he can want to save this random woman but once she was offstage he forgot about her <3

[commonpigeon]

its my favourite time of the year where i do my fanfic spreadsheet wrapped for 2024.

i read 7,254,321 words and 1035 fics -- less than the last two years i guess thats what having a full time job does to a woman.

i bookmarked 62 fics

my top 5 fandoms were

interview with the vampire (379)

the untamed (269)

fall out boy (158) -- im ashamed of this one i think this all came from january alone

xmen (43)

game of thrones (38)

my top 5 pairings were

armand/daniel molloy (212)

patrick stump/pete wentz (154)

lestat de lioncourt/louis de pointe du lac (133)

lan xichen/jin guangyao/nie mingjue (58)

song lan/xiao xingchen/xue yang (51)

every month i calculate my top pairing and fandom and choose my favourite fic of the month

january

fall out boy, patrick stump/pete wentz

Jet Black Crow - pete/patrick. a modern fairytale au where pete is a crow

february

the untamed, jin guangyao/nie mingjue and lan wangji/wei wuxian drew. i read so many pairings for the untamed its craaazy

time is luck - pete/patrick. a current day fic where patrick never realised pete loved him and pete assumed he knew the whole time and just was just letting him down gently. this was exactly what i want out of all peterick which is why it was my favourite fic of the month despite it being the month i got really into the untamed again

march

the untamed, song lan/xiao xingchen/xue yang. i love this toxic horrible throuple

I will be chasing a starlight - lan wangji/wei wuxian. star trek au where lan wangji is a vulcan. this did something sooo evil to my brain because I LOVE star trek and spock and lan wangji so this was absolutely perfect. still of my favourite fics of all time

april

the untamed, lan xichen/jin guangyao/nie mingjue. yet another toxic throuple and one of my all time favourite pairings ever they are so compelling. let it be known jiang cheng/lan wangji/wei wuxian were very much in the running this month

Chicken, Fox and Flowers - lan xichen/jin guangyao/nie mingjue. theyre all in a relationship but nie mingjue gets hanahaki disease because he thinks lan xichen and jin guangyao are soulmates and love each other more than him. this is sooo good it really hits all the spots for me i love hurt/comfort and nie mingjue

may

the untamed, lan xichen/jin guangyao/nie mingjue. francis crozier/james fitzjames was a close second

brutalizer - art donaldson/tashi donaldson/pat zweig. every thing spqr writes is amazing and this was perfect

june

the untamed and interview with the vampire drew. jin guangyao/nie mingjue and enjolras/grantaire drew (random as hell)

bad month for me fic wise i only read 26 fics totally to 250k words

Good Help -- jin guanyao/nie mingjue. i love everythinggg this author does with mdzs fic i just totally buy into everything they write. jin guanyao is wen ruohan's viceroy and he is left in charge for a few months and ends up hiring this random muscular guy. who could it beeee

july, august, september, october

interview with the vampire, armand/daniel molloy. you will see a pattern emerging

july: in the detail(s) -- armand/daniel. a tale of daniel's turning. i think i bookmarked this after chapter one or two and its still ongoing and i wait for an update every day. but this is just one of the most perfect devil's minions fics everrr its the blueprint. probably my favourite fic of the year to be honest

august: I am the least difficult of men. All I want is boundless love. armand/daniel. post season 2, daniel tries to convince armand he wants him. ive read this fic multiple times its so good the characterisation is perfect and its funny and serious and the sex is good

september: every few centuries, somebody reinvents the coven. armand/daniel/lestat/louis. as the title says, they reinvent the coven. i just love how they all interact in this fic and i love the authors style. i love armand being a little weird and insecure and i love daniel not being fully healed from vampire powers and i love that being considered during sex. amongst other things. one of my fav fics of the year

october: parsimony. lestat/louis. lestat is turned into a cat. this premise is sooo like 2012 livejournal i loooove it. and they make lestat so pathetic i love it. must point out this person is a wangxian warrior and you can tell from their writing... nobody is doing it like untamed fans.

november

interview with the vampire, lestat/louis

Code Violations  -- erik lehnsherr/charles xavier. mystique is shot on a mission with the brotherhood and erik brings her back to the mansion to heal. he becomes the handyman and the rest is history. this really pulled me into cherik again

december

x-men, erik/charles. i rewatched the xmen films and xmen 97 and i really do think cherik is one of the best pairings of all time but a lot of the fic is very umm 2012 in a bad way

hidden worlds that shine -- daniel requests that armand lets him take complete control during sex like armand used to when he was young. love an armand pov that shows his insane thought processes where he feels like a trapped animal and this fic brought that

well. overall this was the year of devil's minion. roll on season 3 so it can take over another year of my spreadsheet

[jambrainrot]

i have a prompt if thats okay! jam cute pining moments during shooting s2 and press, and its so obvious to any human besides them. everyone around them constantly teases them as they deny any feelings for each other

Pairing: Jacob/Sam

Tags: Jacob’s POV, pining, everyone ships jam, fluff, banter

Warnings: none

Rating: T

Jacob sat in the makeup chair, trying not to watch Sam in the mirror. Failing. Sam was laughing at something, head thrown back, throat exposed. What a lovely jaw. Jacob's fingers twitched with the urge to trace that line of skin.

Sam caught his eye in the mirror and winked. Jacob's heart did that stupid little skip-jump it always did, the one he'd gotten far too used to over the past two years.

Assad dropped into the chair next to him, already in his Armand costume. "You know," he said, watching Sam joke with one of the makeup artists, "for someone who plays a vampire, our boy Sam's got an awful lot of warmth. Wouldn't you say, Jacob?"

Our boy? Jacob tried not to roll his eyes.

"He's Australian. They're all like that."

"Mhmm. And you notice the warmth of all Australians, do you?"

Jacob scratched the back of his head. "Oh, piss off."

Sam chose that moment to walk over, dropping his hands onto Jacob's shoulders. His thumbs pressed into the tight muscles at the base of Jacob's neck, and Jacob had to bite back a embarrassing sound.

"Tense today, Jake?" Sam asked, continuing his impromptu massage. His hands were warm, so warm, and Jacob was melting.

Assad's knowing smirk grew wider. "I'll leave you two to your... professional massage therapy."

******

All of this was in the script. That's what Jacob kept telling himself as Sam crowded him against the wall, one hand braced beside his head. They'd done this scene twenty times, but Jacob's heart wouldn't stop racing.

Sam's eyes were different when he was playing Lestat - sharper, hungrier. But sometimes, like now, Jacob caught glimpses of something else. Something softer, something that made him want to close the few inches between them and-

"Alright, cut," Rolin called out. "Sam, maybe dial back the touching just a bit? We're going for sexual tension, not foreplay."

"What?" Sam dropped his hand like he'd been burned. "That's just - that's how Lestat would do it."

"Sure," Rolin said, not bothering to hide his smirk. "Lestat."

Jacob stepped away from the wall on shaky legs, trying to remember how to breathe normally. Sam's scent lingered in his nose - sandalwood and something else, something uniquely Sam that made Jacob's head spin.

"Again?" Sam asked, rough in a way that made Jacob's stomach flip.

"God help me," Rolin muttered, "Like watching two trains determined to miss each other."

In the end, the scene ended up not making it to the final version. Jacob tried not to be disappointed when he discovered that there was going to be one kissing scene this season.

******

Jacob watched Sam as he prepared the tea. Three minutes exactly - Sam actually used his phone timer, because "Can't mess up your brew, Jacob." He even tested the temperature before adding the splash of milk.

Delainey grabbed her coffee, watching Sam fix Jacob's tea exactly the way he liked it. "That's sweet," she said, sidling up to Jacob. "Sam knowing your tea order."

"We've been working together for two years," Jacob said stiffly. "He probably knows everyone's preferences."

"Hey, Sam!" Delainey shouted suddenly. "How does Eric take his tea?"

Sam looked up, confused. "Why would I know that?"

“What about Assad?”

Sam frowned. “What about him?”

Jacob suddenly found his shoes fascinating, trying to ignore the warm feeling spreading through his face. Sam walked over, pressing the perfectly made tea into Jacob's hands. Their fingers brushed, and Jacob nearly dropped the cup.

"Just how you like it," Sam said softly, and Jacob couldn't help but notice how his accent got thicker when they were close like this.

"Thanks," Jacob managed, taking a sip. It was perfect.

Delainey looked between them, shaking her head. "Unbelievable. Actually unbelievable."

*******

The cold bit through Jacob's thin clothes, but he didn't mind. Not when it meant Sam would do this - wrap his own jacket around Jacob's shoulders, hands lingering to adjust the collar. The jacket smelled like him, and Jacob had to resist the urge to bury his nose in it.

Eric watched from his director's chair as Sam fussed over Jacob. "You two are adorable," he said, not looking up from his phone. "Like an old married couple. Except for the part where you're not actually together."

"We're just-" Jacob started.

"Mates," Sam finished, but his hands were still on Jacob's shoulders, thumbs brushing against his collarbones through the jacket.

"Right," Eric nodded. "Mates who know each other's coffee orders, share clothes, and stare at each other when they think no one's looking. Totally normal mate behavior."

"I don't stare," Jacob protested.

"You're staring right now."

Jacob snapped his head forward so fast he nearly gave himself whiplash. But he could feel Sam's eyes on him, burning against his skin.

*******

The whole cast was crammed into a small green room before interviews. Sam was half-asleep, his head resting on Jacob's shoulder. His hair tickled Jacob's neck, and each warm breath against his skin sent shivers down his spine. Jacob was pretending to read his phone, but his free hand was absently playing with the hem of Sam's sleeve, fingers occasionally brushing against skin.

Assad leaned over to Delainey. "Twenty quid says they figure it out by the end of press tour."

"Thirty says Christmas since Jacob is missing comic con this year and Sam will cry into his coffee that week," she whispered back. "The holiday romance of it all will get to them."

"Fifty says New Year's Eve," Rolin chimed in. "Drunk confession, very romantic."

"What are you lot whispering about?" Jacob asked, trying to sound annoyed but failing because Sam had just shifted closer, nuzzling into his neck.

"Nothing," they chorused.

Sam stirred slightly, his lips brushing against Jacob's pulse point. "Comfy," he mumbled, still mostly asleep, and Jacob's heart threatened to burst right out of his chest.

"Just watching true love bloom," Eric muttered, just loud enough for Jacob to hear.

Jacob opened his mouth to protest, but then Sam made a small contented noise in his sleep, one hand coming up to grip Jacob's shirt, and whatever denial he'd planned died in his throat. Sam was real and solid against him, fitting perfectly into his side like he belonged there, and Jacob wanted this moment to last forever.

*******

The couch they'd squeezed them onto wasn't meant for two grown men. Jacob's thigh pressed against Sam's, a line of heat that made it hard to focus on the interviewer's questions.

"So, the chemistry between Louis and Lestat this season is incredible despite the limited screen time," the interviewer leaned forward, her smile knowing. "How do you create that on screen?"

Sam laughed, that deep, rich sound that he does when he’s nervous about something. "Well, when you spend sixteen hours a day with someone-"

"Sometimes twenty," Jacob added, not meaning to say it out loud.

"Yeah, twenty hours with this one," Sam turned to him, eyes crinkling at the corners. "Hard not to get close, isn't it?"

Close. Right. Jacob tried not to think about how Sam's hand had found its way to his knee under the pretense of shifting position. How his thumb was making small circles that were driving Jacob mad.

"Very close, from what I've seen on set," the interviewer pressed. "There are rumors-"

"We're just good mates," Sam cut in, but his hand tightened on Jacob's knee. "Best mates."

"Best mates," Jacob echoed, hating how breathless he sounded.

The interviewer's eyes flickered to where their shoulders touched, where Sam was practically draped against Jacob's side. "Right. And the fan theories about you two-"

"Haven't seen them," Jacob lied. He'd spent three hours last night scrolling through Twitter, watching fan-edited videos of their interviews. The way Sam looked at him when he thought Jacob wasn't paying attention. The way Jacob's whole body seemed to orient toward Sam.

"Liar," Sam teased, “saw you watching those compilations in your trailer."

"It popped up on my feed!”

"Isn’t your feed based on algorithms of what you search?” Sam asked, raising an eyebrow, and for a moment, Jacob forgot about the cameras, the interviewer, everything except the challenge in Sam's eyes.

The interviewer cleared her throat. "And what about the reunion scene? That must have been... intense to film."

"It was intense," Jacob managed. "But we made the scene work because we’re professional.”

Sam shifted. "It was slightly embarrassing how emotional we got, but being in love is embarrassing sometimes."

In love? Jacob blinked. Sam was talking about Lestat and Louis, not them…

"We only got a few takes to get it right," Jacob added. “In that private moment, we spoke from the heart. Something that is just ours, no one else.”

“Yes,” Sam cleared his throat. “Ours.”

After the interview, Rolin cornered them in the hallway. "Professional? That's what you're going with? You two were one breath away from making out on camera."

"We were not," Jacob protested, but it lacked conviction.

"Were too," Eric called from down the hall. "I've seen porn with less sexual tension."

"You watch a lot of porn, mate?" Sam shot back, but his hand was still on Jacob's lower back.

Assad walked by, shaking his head. "You two are exhausting. Just kiss already."

"We're not-" Jacob started.

"I know, I know," Assad waved him off. "Just mates. The best of mates. Mates who look at each other like they're dying of thirst and the other is a tall glass of water. Totally normal."

Delainey appeared, phone in hand. "Have you seen what the fans are saying about this interview? The hashtag is trending. Someone made a supercut of all the times Sam touched Jacob in the last ten minutes. It's three minutes long."

“What?” Sam demanded as Eric entered the hallway. “How did they get the interview so fast?”

Eric snorted. “You were so busy peeling Jacob’s clothes off with your mind you didn’t realize the interview was being live-streamed.”

Oh fuck.

Jacob buried his face in his hands. Sam's thumb was still making circles on his back, and he couldn't even bring himself to pull away.

"Kill me now," he mumbled into his palms.

"Nah," Sam said, pulling him closer. "You're stuck with me. For better or worse."

"That sounds an awful lot like a wedding vow," Rolin pointed out.

Sam just smiled, that soft, dazzling smile that made Jacob's heart stutter. "Does it? Hadn't noticed."

“Trying to marry me?” Jacob joked to put himself at ease. “I snore a lot and require constant cuddles.”

Sam shrugged. “Doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Las Vegas isn’t too far from here,” Assad piped up. “I have a suit and can call Bailey to send us rings from her company.”

“I can officiate,” Eric offered. “I’ve married off plenty of couples.”

“I get to be the flower girl!” Delainey added.

“I’m the best man for both of you then,” Rolin practically demanded. “Because I made all of this happen. You’re welcome.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Relax, everyone. We’re not going to Vegas, my mum would kill me if I got married on American soil. So save all your energy for the real thing.”

It was a joke, of course it was but Jacob remembered Sam’s mum telling him to visit soon. That she has a spare bedroom for him and Sam to share. She even “accidentally” sent house listings in a group text with them. Jacob thought it was a mistake at first.

Did Sam say something to make her think…?

“— no, absolutely not,” Sam was arguing with Eric, “I love vampires, but that won’t be the theme at our wedding. That’s a bit much. Jacob doesn’t like the water and Australian beaches would kill him. A classic indoor wedding would be fine.”

That’s true, Jacob thought, he can’t marry Sam on a beach -

And holy shit, they were so, so screwed.

But maybe, just maybe as he listened to Delainey and Assad bicker on who gets to be the flower girl, he was starting to be okay with that.

[princelestatdelioncourt]

Tell us more about your mortal days...Tell us more about your time with Nicolas. Is not much explained in the books about these times and we would love to know more about Nicolas.... What did you like most about him? what did you hate? (we love Nicolas)

-smiles- First of all I am very happy to know you love Nicki. And allow me to tag here my Nicki @monsieur-nicolas-de-lenfent if he if his mun want to make an input on this. :-) I would love to, since the books are only explained on my point of view and I really would like to know his feelings and emotions during that period of time.

So in regards your questions....

More about my mortal days. There is not much more than hunting and spending time with Nicki and later on in Paris working at the theater and either can be explained in deeply if you tel me exactly what do you want to know. Becasue each moment can be explained with different emotions.

Tell you more about Nicki...what do you want to know about him? - smiles- That I loved his company and even we had deep conversations I loved his cynicism and ways of thinking even if I was not agree. I loved his dedication with music and when we composed his new songs and I tried to sleep and he kept hitting "that" note that was not perfect and there he was again over and over until it was all perfect. Sometimes I protested "Nickiiiiiiiiiii could you stop you can find that note in the morning lets just sleep now" -laughs- I pretended I hated it but actually I loved it and still makes me smile just thinking about it.

What else do you want to know about him? again this questions might have thousand answers depending on what you are really looking for. Remember, ask the right question and you will receive the right answers. Something I ave learned over the years and mentioned in the books.

What I loved most about Nicki... everything. I just can say his eyes or his dedication, its just him. The whole him, the good and the bad. The soul. Him. when one loves someone, that loved is for the whole being not just for that specific thing. I loved Nicki for everything he IS. I loved when he made me smile when I was upset becasue I always had to do thing around the Castle. I loved when we were just drunk happy and we just were unable to laugh becasue I loved to his laugh. His eyes shone, his lips on that beautiful smile. All of his shining with that happiness. I loved these moments to last forever. Also, if we get a little bit private on answers, he is an amazing lover. I have never, ever, in my whole mortal life, experienced anything like with him. I dont know still what he did to me, what he gave me, what he said, what he touched...well...lets not mention that haha....but it was such an orgasmic sensation like never before. I really dont know how to explain it with words. Universe. Big Bang. Inexplicable. And I am sorry, no sorry, for whoever heard us, if you know what I mean. Nicki is a marvelous person inside and out. Yes I know I have said about his darkness and get scared about it but back then didn't not understood. I was a naivee. I thought he was just happy and saw he had so much more deep inside. And I wished I have known all of that and hold his hand and go into this Savage Garden together learning from each other again. Learning from his fears, darkness and all his emotions. Nicki is amazing and should be more respected, understood and loved. He is NOT crazy and I hate people has that etiquette on him. Nicolas the mad man. I hate that. I hate people thinks that. Nicki is a marvel man, he was a tremendous light and soooo much love to give. He is the most deep loving person I have ever met. He is reserved and cynic yes but he has so much love and he is such a good person. I regret so much the fact that I never went to save him, I regret that so very much, I regret I left him with Armand, I see now how things were back then and I see myself inexperienced and terrified. Terrified for Nicki. I was a monster and I never wanted him to suffer in his vampiric life. I wanted him happy. I did not want him to see me a monster and get him scared and leave me. So I had to hide from him and set myself aside and pretend and act cold. and I hated that so much it ripped my soul in pieces. To see the one you love most fade away is something I do not wish to anyone. I gave my mortal life to Nicki when we were at the Village and later on in Paris. The only one by my side. The only one that loved me for who I was, for my mistakes and not be that perfect. For loving me when I needed help with the acts and he helped me to learn the words because was not able to read. He had that patience with me when not even my mother did. So for all of that and more, thats why it was so extremely horrible when slowly I saw him fading away. Thats why I have never said much about it becasue it hurts. Our fears of good and evil now present. Now me as this monster and unable to be with him anymore. I hated Magnus with all my being not for only making me what I never wanted but for breaking into pieces my life, my love and my happiness. Not even a chance to one last night with Nicki, no, he just came and kidnapped me. And I could not bare the thought of Nicki seeing me like this. How much I wanted to hold him, to kiss him one more time. But he could not see me like a monster. I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to stick my fangs on his neck and get him. My nature screaming for blood when he was around me that night at the Theater when someone shoot at me and Nicki ran to me and he was around. I screamed to him to get away. When really deep inside I was screaming his name, I was terrified and I needed him, I needed to hold him. I needed to tell him everything is ok. And that horrible night I gave him my blood after all his suffering with the Coven of Satan, I gave him my blood with love and hope we could once again be together. To

continue our conversation forever To travel around the world together. To even complete that fantasy we had to one night play for the King Of France....I gave him my blood on an act of love. And seeing him unable t talk, move or do anything really broke me inside. I didn't know if he hated me more now, I didn't know what was going on inside of him. I could to read his mind. I felt i didn't know what to do. And I thought he hated me now for everything. That last night at the Theater when he said these words to me, I just didn't know and both of us acted with just the emotions we felt at that time. cold, hate, fear, broken love, separation....whatever it was. His eyes were fire, his words venom and i tried to see my Nicki in there and I know now he was there. He was upset and he had his reasons and I do now know, and always knew, I should have never left him there. At that moment, I only saw he hated me and I just could not bare to stay there. Why to stay if he does not loves me anymore? so I left with my mother to travel the world. And let me tell you, There was not a single night I thought about him. I had him always present and I prayed one day everything will be ok. I prayed for his happiness. I prayed that he still could feel love towards me. For all we had and went through before. I prayed that his words to sink together were not real and just words....

So there you have it anon....you made me explain more than I wanted to. With tears in my eyes I wrote this becasue these years will forever stuck with me no matter what and no matter where I am at. But i dont want to end this with a sad note. Just remember what I have said about Nicki. He is marvelous, he is beautiful inside and out. Understand him, do not hate him. Allow him to be him. He is strong, he is just amazing. And no one, none of my other 8 fledglings is like him. And they know, each one of them know what I still feel for Nicki. They understand and respect that and I am so grateful for that. I love each an everyone of them but what me and Nicki had is beyond what I had with any of my fledglings. Remember, I met Nicki when I was still mortal. We shared life together, something non of them, minus my mother Gabrielle, have experienced with me. Not even that time I was on Davids body, even these days were a wreck..different story. So even if I have said that Louis got me more deep than Nicki, perhaps is when I do not allow my "mortal" side of me to get out. So again, yes, What I had with Nicki is something no other had. its deep to the core.