#and NONE of that put a single dent in that low-level hum of terror
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another vent post because i just had a realization
#you know how people talk about self esteem issues or whatever#and they tell you that nothing will ever be enough to satisfy that little voice in your head#i've heard that shit so many times but oh my god its true#like i have this thing in my head that has me convinced that the only thing i have to offer people is my appearance#like i have to keep them distracted with my beauty or sexuality or high-effort styles and outfit-art that they never notice#im actually empty underneath#and i hadn't noticed bc i just thought it was self-love like 'yeah im hot!' and having fun with fashion#which it WAS but it wasn't ONLY that#i noticed recently bc my uni had a hellenic themed ball and i was putting together this concept and outfit and i realised#halfway thru trying on dresses. oh. i think that if im not the most beautiful person theyve ever seen im worthless#anyway i got nonstop compliments. a ton of votes for best dressed. flirted with a bunch.#a bartender at the afterparty literally stopped me to tell me how beautiful i was#and NONE of that put a single dent in that low-level hum of terror#like what more could that voice LITERALLY ask for? what would be enough for it?#anyway. elias learns very obvious life lessons an 8yo knows#conari
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