#and I'm so down about it anyway that it'd just depress me further to post yet another thing that gets largely ignored

[sinkat-arts]

Tomorrow is my birthday.

I've never been a big birthday person... I mostly use it as an excuse to go out to the desert and have adventures or just enjoy some peace and quiet. But this year sees me alone (not by choice) at my mother's house across the country, where I've been since early July.

Two months of being away from the family I made, away from my dog, away from my things and my space.

Two months of being the primary caretaker for my mother as she bounces in and out of the hospital due to a surgery that went wrong in every way it possibly could as well as dehydration so severe that it wrecked her kidneys (and was on its way to wrecking her as a whole).

Two months of managing her life as well as my own. Calling doctor's offices, dealing with insurance companies, paying her bills, taking care of her house and her lawn, worrying over her short term disability running out... and then dealing with having to replace the air conditioning back home, my room mate / coparent losing his job, my son going back to school, and my general inability to be there to help them.

Two months of being out of work on medical leave and watching my savings dwindle away because, while FMLA protects my job, it doesn't replace lost income. The state of California has a program in place for caretakers to get some kind of financial help, but I haven't heard one way or the other on approval there.

I'm overstressed, exhausted, lonely, homesick, creatively bankrupt, and currently suffering from a sinus infection.

So yeah, it's not exactly about to be a very happy birthday, ha.

[eldritch-spouse]

im taking the 50/50 gamble asking this cause yolo i guess (its ok i can wait centuries for my ask to be answered anyways.)

so uh— what if darling is insistent on leaving vesper, like— REALLY insistent. bringing it up casually saying “It’s going to turn me on even more when i leave you and go back to earth,” or “So where’s the going back home ritual?”

and this is kinda because darling doesn’t feel deserving of vesper. sure, she loves him— but like that one post, she just can’t stand seeing vesper having sex with others while she’s just a human who can’t take him. (forever a virgin) and also cause darling sees sex as a romantic while vesper sees it as….idk the word but you get it.

(maybes it even worse when darling has to dissociate and leave the room everytime she caught vesper with someone else. and she will get extremely depressed for days on end everytime she hears the moans and all— putting her in a constant cycle. sorry im projecting my bpd on darling.)

and i saw the post of vesper explaining it too, and while darling understands, she’s still sad regardless, and extremely hurt if vesper calls her cruel when she also tries to explain.

so darling went quiet, nods and casually walked away. and that’s when all the comments about wanting to go home started.

then weeks passed and no one ever saw darling ever again. because darling sees there’s no point to be with vesper anymore even if she loves him, but now she’s mostly inside her separate room 24/7 bedrotting (aka back to her old lifestyle before being taken into Hell.)

or you know, just gets up and leaves Hell altogether. find some way to remove the mark, asked a couple of concerned imps for the way home, or call upon an angel on the icon of hell phone to take them back to earth. and darling SUCCEEDED in returning home.

i know vesper um…is vespering but maybe this is a rare, once in a lifetime moment where vesper snaps, goes feral, actually blue balling himself for so long until he finds darling again on earth. and during that time hell is in constant chaos idk im just blabbering and rambling at this point.

but yeah, ending can be vesper finding darling again and turning her to a succubus, or darling just lives her life peacefully while hell is going down from the domino effect.

(and um, i too feel bad because i know and read your posts about vesper and he’s unfortunately my fav. it might seem strange genuinely disliking my fav but i too just wanted to try and forget about vesper after this.)

(um, if ur planning to write, please don’t get darling cucked in the ending. again, i know this is vesper we’re talking about. u can ignore and delete this ask if u don’t like me requesting darling doesn’t get cucked for the ending.)

(anyways, take ur time getting to my ask. i can wait a long while to the point i might forget sending this ask.)

I'm not going to write anything, you made a scenario on your own, the skeleton for the entire story is already there.

Though this does seem a bit weird. Are you actually genuinely upset with the character? I'm not going to upset you further by telling you how realistic or unrealistic some of his actions here are.

I don't even quite understand what you meant with reader getting cucked. Cucking doesn't really exist in Lust because having sex with others is simply natural and expected and partners don't see it as a betrayal, it'd just be another culture barrier in the relationship. Out of many other culture barriers that you have to adapt to whether you like it or not. You would continue to get "cucked", because the King of Lust cannot subsist on you alone, and he's not about to weaken himself because you find him having sex with others repulsive.

If you are genuinely upset with all this, for some reason, consider finding a character that won't cause that effect in you. I didn't really make any of this with the intent of causing people to get depressed.

[witchcraftingboop]

Hi Boop (is it okay to call you that?),

I remember reading a post by you where you mentioned doing an elaborate ritual to change your life (or something similar) in a moment of desperation.

Would you mind sharing what you did or guide me to resources to do/craft something similar? It'd be extremely helpful (honestly, I don't even mind some false hope at this point) if there's something magical that can help me out of this stagnancy.

(I tried doing everything magical and mundane to take the slow and steady route, but it's becoming increasingly difficult with ADHD and depression).

TIA for your time and consideration 🍁

Hey, I am the anon who sent that ask about that ritual you did. I am sorry if it was triggering or something. I should have thought of that before sending it. Really sorry.

Hey, anon! I go by Boop or Amélie on here, so pick your poison really, either is fine.

Firstly, thank you for thinking of my feelings in your second ask; I appreciate the concern. I can assure you, I'm completely fine with this question, and I try to only post things on which I am willing to discuss or have further questions asked of.

Secondly, I apologize for the delay in responding. I was trying to fish back through my memory for the post you think of (Tumblr has a cesspit of a search engine), and did not want to rush to reply.

I believe I have had two instances of desperation, or at least there are only two that come to mind. If it's the first you're speaking of, then I'm afraid I don't have much I can say on the matter. I'll talk about the first a bit, just to add clarity, but you can skip it if you prefer; it mentions a bit of child abuse/neglect, which frankly isn't for everyone.

When I was a child, my mother had pushed me down the stairs of our apartment complex, thereby breaking/fracturing (I didn't go to the hospital until my teens so it was hard to tell by then), one of my ribs. At night, I prayed for all my suffering to end, with death or whatever, it didn't really matter to me which. So... less a ritual and more desperate pleading? I can't even tell you if it was successful or not. That same year I was kicked out and left for my father to pick up, and then by the time that summer ended, my mother had moved to the other side of the country. Whether or not I caused these things, I can't say. I was hated as a kid, and my mother had been talking about moving for quite some time, so it may have only been a natural occurrence my nine year old self took to be a sign of the gods finally hearing me.

As for the second one, that one I did have full control over, but it was only related to righting the mundane aspects of my life, namely money. I have a fondness for candle spells and petitions, and I work closely with a couple of Gods known for riches, so I don't struggle when it comes to righting my finances. In this case, I was working tirelessly for CVS, under a manager who verbally abused my coworkers and took advantage of his staff at every opportunity. Covid had swept through my state, nearly killed my older sister, and I felt helpless, overwhelmed, exhausted, and my apartment at the time housed the one grandmother who always made it a point to degrade me whenever we were in the same building. The one thing I wanted, the one thing I thought might fix everything, was enough money to sustain me and let me live totally on my own.

From this second case, I drafted a money spell, and I dedicated myself to nightly prayer, offerings, and mental and physical cleansing. For context, my background primarily lies in ceremonial magic, so it's something of a habit for me to come to my workings with such a mindset, though I can't often fast due to my anemia. Anyways! Within six months, my income became stable, and after three years, it tripled to the "impossible end result" I'd set way back when. I haven't had need to perform a money spell since, and I still maintain enough funds to put myself back through school, keep up with my book buying hobbies, and take time off regularly to enjoy such things. (I'd just like to clarify, this isn't meant to be a brag or anything; I'm just trying to provide the whole picture for what this spell achieved.)

I'll reblog the spell if I can find it, but as I don't really know what kind of change you're looking to see, I'm not entirely sure if it will be of use to you.

For the record, I typically draw inspiration for my spells from the grimoires and books on magical theory that I read. If I combine what I've read with the teachings of spirit, then the results tend to follow suit. Magic, in my mind, should be organic rather than formulaic in its creation. A proper balance between a scientific and intuitive outlook is primarily what I strive for.

Please feel free to reach out should you have any more questions. I hardly ever get engagement like this anymore, and asks have always been a particular favorite of mine 🥰

[lonelier-version-of-you]

I stopped watching holby post John Gaskell. Please can you give an overview of all the major storylines henrik had after that. I want to finish holby but only really care about henrik tbh

Sure! Or, well, I can try to. Henrik didn't have a lot of major stories after the Gaskell one anyway, so they should be fairly easy to recap. And I definitely understand what you mean about only caring about him, that was how I felt after like 2020 myself. It didn't feel worthwhile caring about any other character after that. Well, not that caring about Henrik did. But I'm getting off topic now.

I will say: I haven't seen a lot of these stories in a long while or even since they aired. I've rewatched some of the Russ story, but not all, and that's about it. So I may have forgotten or misremembered some things, or not know the exact eps some things happened in (especially for story 2, as Holby felt more like a chore to me than anything at that point and I was basically just sitting there hoping it'd get better - which it did in summer 2020, but then after the second hiatus of the year it went further downhill than it had ever been IMHO). I'll do my best though. I may leave some things out because they're too complicated to get into or weren't particularly major stories, I hope that's not bothersome or anything.

Also, if I sound bitter or grumpy at any point, I promise it's not towards you! It'll all be bitterness/grumpiness at what Holby became in its later years. (Sometimes I wish I had stopped after the Gaskell story myself.) I'm also sorry it took me so many hours to answer this, I had to think of how to explain the stories.

Story One: As of May 2019, Henrik has just been sort of lingering in the background for months, ever since he was basically pressured into being CEO again at the end of 2018. I have no idea why he didn't get a breakdown story after Gaskell when everything seemed so narratively set up for that to happen, but he didn't.

Anyway, in June 2019, Henrik finally gets a story. Sara Johansson - Fredrik's wife, who had left him back in October 2017 - comes to Holby and brings Henrik's grandson Oskar with her. Sara is struggling to cope (I'd go so far as to say she was implicitly suffering from depression or PTSD): she's upset that she didn't realise how evil Fredrik was, and scared that Oskar could grow up to be similar. She and Henrik have several conversations along these lines, and for some reason Henrik's relationship with Gaskell is never acknowledged or properly alluded to in any of this even though there's so much thematic resonance there - Henrik having been, like Sara, in love with a man who did awful things.

Sara ends up running away. This leaves Henrik taking care of Oskar for several months, although Sara does write a letter at one point IIRC. There's some very cute scenes with them - some of which seem to imply that Oskar is autistic like Henrik, or at least that's how they came across to me - and some interesting stuff about Henrik not being sure if he's doing things right because he wasn't there to raise Fredrik. There's also a sweet scene where Henrik goes to Jac to ask what to do, when he unintentionally upsets Oskar by telling him the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist. Henrik also befriends Dom's mum Carole around this time, and they start going to dance classes together. It's all very cute.

In August 2019, Sara returns. She's got a new job (I don't think it's ever said what her job is, so just imagine her doing whatever sort of job you think she'd do, I suppose), and she's coping better and she's ready to go back to Sweden with Oskar. Henrik ended up stepping down from the CEO position again, and went to stay with his family in Sweden for a while. (Guy Henry needed time off to go and do some theatre acting, so that's why this happened.)

Of all the stories Henrik had after Gaskell, I think this is probably the best one. It's not perfect - as I say, the lack of acknowledgement of Gaskell agitated me a lot, and it still glossed over parts of the Hanssen family history. E.g. there's a patient Henrik talks to who's scared of people thinking he's like his dad, and this reads as a parallel to Oskar, but it's not brought up that Henrik of all people also has an established fear of being associated with his dad. But still, at least this story has its strengths, and it doesn't actively insult Henrik's character or insult other characters or extensively retcon his history. That's about the most one could ask for from later Holby.

Story Two: I don't know that I'd say this is a major storyline, but I'll talk about it anyway. I hate this story, but not as much as I hated some others in the last years of the show. That hatred will probably be obvious in how I talk about it.

In February 2020, Henrik returns to Holby after his time offscreen in Sweden. He has some more scenes with Carole, and it's implied that he's fallen in love with her. It's all very sweet. Disappointingly, that story is never continued - there are conversations later about Henrik's feelings for Carole, but the romance never goes anywhere.

The story that happens instead is Henrik, along with Ric and Fletch (especially Fletch, which baffles me because just a couple of years before he was yelling at Henrik for not being a good CEO!), planning to overtake Max McGerry as CEO. Now, Max isn't a perfect CEO or a perfect person, but she's definitely more competent than Henrik. And Henrik doesn't even like being CEO. So this storyline makes no sense. It felt like a leftover recycled Serena storyline (Serena had left by this point) or something - trying to overtake other people as CEO was always more of a Serena thing than a Henrik thing.

Eventually, Max starts lying about what she has planned for the hospital - I think she says she wants to get rid of AAU or something - to see if it gets back to Henrik. Or something like that. This wasn't a story I wanted to remember at the time. Anyway, it does get back to Henrik, and he confronts her. Max tells him she lied, and points out that she was brought in to sort out the mess he had made of the hospital. I cheered at this point, because I love Henrik but in this case he deserved that. Henrik stops trying to be CEO again after that.

Interlude - April 2020 to September 2021: Henrik doesn't get a lot to do for much of this time. He does play side roles in some other characters' stories, and mentors three new doctors at one point. On the occasions he does get any meaningful screentime around this era, most of it is trying to inexplicably retcon his history, contradicting both things that are established as canon - e.g. Sahira Shah is suddenly said to be his childhood friend, when she's at least about a decade younger than him and has only known him since the 1990s according to previous eps, and things that are onscreen canon - e.g. Henrik suddenly starts saying he was involved in raising Fredrik, which can't have happened, because "Hanssen/Hemingway" has a scene of Henrik learning Fredrik's name for the first time in 2013. So if Henrik didn't even know his son's name, how could he have been involved in bringing him up? And, as said above, Henrik had been talking about how he had nothing to do with Fredrik when Fredrik was growing up as recently as 2019!

I just ignore these retcons and try to forget about them, myself, because it's easier than trying to get them to make sense with Henrik's decade worth of established history lol. Not that things didn't get retconned before - e.g. Roxanna being his friend from medschool instead of a colleague he didn't know well - but they usually either got explanations, or it was easy to make up explanations for yourself. That wasn't the case with these.

One interesting thing does happen during this interlude time though: Lucky Simpson, a psychiatric nurse, implies Henrik has CPTSD. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think it makes sense for him as a character.

Another, less interesting thing that you still have to know because it's relevant in Story Three: Henrik becomes CEO again in spring 2021. Max had to leave the job because she said she'd been taking things from the hospital - she hadn't, but her son Louis had, it's a long story - and while she did get to return to Holby, she couldn't be CEO again. I don't remember if any in-universe reason for that was ever given. Fletch was CEO for a while until Henrik agreed to go back to the job. None of it made any sense to me. Holby had long since stopped making any sense to me by this point.

Story Three: Finally, stories for Henrik that aren't just generic "CEO man who talks about his son all the time" things!

In October 2021, a doctor turns up, who turns out to be Henrik's old friend Russell Faber (but he often goes by Russ). Henrik has known Russ for a long time - though exactly how long isn't specified - ever since he once got Russ away from a shark. That seems like a joke, but I'm not making it up, a shark did bring them together. I wonder if John ever knew about that. He must've been so jealous if he did.

Russ and Henrik don't seem to have talked in a while - Russ knows about the Gaskell stuff, but he could have heard that somewhere else, and Henrik doesn't seem to know much about the past few years of Russ's life. Russ had a husband, Ami, who passed away from COVID in 2020. They also have a daughter, Billie - she's 16 at this time, though IIRC she was played by an actress a bit older, as tends to be the way on Holby. Russ, it turns out, has come to Holby to ask Henrik to mentor someone.

The "someone" Russ wants Henrik to mentor is Oliver Valentine. Basically he's been subjected to the "This character is permanently disabled now! Oh wait no we got tired of them being disabled so they're abled again now!" trope. Thank goodness Malick stayed away so it didn't happen to him too. A character can become disabled and still be fulfilled in life, Holby. Ollie not being able to be a doctor anymore wouldn't inherently be a less happy life for him than him being able to go back to it is. Anyway, Oliver has gone back to being a doctor, and Russ thinks Henrik mentoring him would be good for Ollie. Oliver has PTSD that's causing serious problems in his life, which Russ doesn't know the extent of and doesn't tell Henrik about.

After Oliver has a flashback in theatre, Henrik learns that Russ knew of Ollie's PTSD. He's upset that Russ didn't tell him and seems distrustful of Russ, though they make up the next week - which is also the first onscreen useage of Russ's nickname for Henrik: "Henny." It's adorable. Meanwhile, Oliver gets therapy and eventually leaves again to be with Zosia, while Henrik gives Russ a longterm job at Holby.

After a bit of to and fro where Henrik thinks Russ is asking him out and gets disappointed when he realises he's not, the story goes for a different turn. In January, it turns out Billie has a kid on the way... in a few weeks, to be precise! Russ hasn't noticed, for storyline convenience. When Henrik realises, he wants to tell Russ, but Billie wants to tell him herself when she feels ready.

In February, Serena and Bernie - lol, Bernie deserves a separate recap - come back. They're engaged now. Serena realises Russ and Henrik are in love. She has a conversation with Henrik about it where she tells him no one uses labels anymore. I think that's reasonably in character for Serena, but the narrative seems to portray her as Objectively Right, which frustrated me. Using labels and not using labels are both okay, neither one is better than the other, and IMO Henrik would be the sort of person to want to use a label. Other than that, the conversation is quite sweet: Henrik asks her how she knew her decisions were right with Bernie, and she basically says that if Russ makes Henrik happy then being brave enough to get together with him is more than worthwhile.

The next week, Henrik asks Russ out. It's all so cute. Later in February, Billie has a son: Denver. I seem to remember him being mostly or entirely portrayed by a doll, which amused me. I get why Holby do that, but there's still something funny about it when you can tell a character is just holding a doll. Russ learns that Henrik knew about all of this, gets upset that Henrik didn't tell him, and Henruss have their second breakup in four months. They weren't even together for the first one or arguably this one, but they still, somehow, have two breakups. Typical Henrik relationship, I suppose.

In March, Russ learns that Billie wants to move to Leeds - he and Ami both have relatives who live there, and there's an art college Billie wants to go to. Russ is starting to forgive Henrik now, but then they have an argument where Henrik tells Russ their relationship is all "a fantasy". It's Henrik's way of trying to get Russ to go with Billie, but it's still not exactly nice. Oh, Henrik.

In the finale, Henrik goes to Leeds to see Russ. He says he's there for Russ, they smile at each other, and - that's it. Yes, this is Henrik Hanssen's ending. Has he left Holby to get back together with Russ and move in with him? Has he come to reconcile with Russ and they'll return to Holby together? I hope it's the former, but nothing is explained. Almost two years later, we still don't know.

I'm so sorry for how long all of that was. I tried not to make it too long, but it's still so long. I hope it's a good enough overview.