#and I'm like yeah! like a goat in a landslide!

[thedreadvampy]

had a scooby doo moment in therapy today gang

I have this problem I call the Shoulder Lawyer. he is the horrible voice in my head that like, if I start to assert in my own mind that anything bad ever happened to me, starts to harangue me with demands for objective unassailable proof with no alternate explanations and accuses me of being an unreliable witness to my own life.

and today in therapy I basically had a moment where I turned around and went OK GANG LET'S SEE WHAT'S UNDER THIS MASK OF DETACHED OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT. WOW IT'S JUST LIKE 20 TEENAGE RAPISTS STACKED UP IN A BADLY FITTED SUIT.

you're not an impartial analytical voice at all, Shoulder Lawyer! you're the internalised version of a bunch of arguments made by people with a specific vested interest in me not believing the evidence of my own experience!

and while we're at it, Shoulder Lawyer, your arguments don't hold water, you're treating highly circumstantial assumptions as ironclad facts, not one man on this jury would believe the conclusions you've drawn, and anyway this isn't a fucking courtroom and nobody's on trial????? I DON'T BELIEVE THIS MAN HAS EVER BEEN TO LAW SCHOOL!!!!! BAILIFFS TAKE HIM AWAY!!!!!

anyway I did great. I'm so covered in gold stars this week I'm like a tiny galaxy.

[plusultraetc]

WIP Folder Game

TYSM @bfire92 & @bloody-bee-tea for tagging me!! sorry I'm a little late 😭 I've actually tried this ask game in the past, but it's been several months and at the rate I accumulate new wips, I have plenty to talk about lol. plus (ultra), I remember it being a lot of fun!

my mission for the week between Christmas and New Year's is to answer most if not all of the asks in my inbox and drag myself out of my writing depression by any means necessary :')

Rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Tag as many people as you have wips. People send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, then post a little snippet or tell them something about it!

in the interest of not posting another fifteen titles, I gave myself some self-imposed restrictions--nothing that was asked about last time, and no super au-ish stuff (so, no fantasy/Star Wars/role swap, etc). that leaves us with:

conquer my vertigo

do my best to get it right

hold on and feel i belong

like money on a bad bet

practice all your worst mistakes

start again from the beginning

take all the courage you have left

the world was figured out

time makes you bolder

training montage

no-pressure tagging @machiroads @blinkeasy @karliahs @kyurilin @starlightbelle @poppy5991 @ifyougoillfollow @aromanticannibal @velwynn @pennultimateslugfriend and any other writers I missed who feel like participating!!

bonus stuff (what songs the titles come from & a look back on the fics from the first round) under the read more <3

"You Told The Drunks I Knew Karate," Zoey Van Goey

"I will be able to make toast for her in the mornings. I will do my best to get it right." - Everything Leads to You, Nina LaCour

"I'm Still Here," John Rzeznik (yeah it's the song from Treasure Planet 🪐)

"I Lost a Friend," FINNEAS

"Tulsa's Last Magician," Willi Carlisle

"Son," Sleeping at Last

"Little Lion Man," Mumford & Sons

"You Are Enough," Sleeping at Last

"Landslide," Fleetwood Mac

"Training Montage," The Mountain Goats

[asexual-juliet]

the lonely journal keeper lucretia will remember that.

(full playlist & notes under the cut)

i. landslide - fleetwood mac well, I've been afraid of changin' / 'cause I've built my life around you / but time makes you bolder / even children get older / and I'm getting older too the other day @papergardener referred to lucretia and magnus as “these two children having to grow up and yet unable to” which i have not stopped thinking about since and like, the gravity of “even children get older / and i’m getting older, too” with the context of the century lucretia spent as such a young woman and then the way she lost 20 years so suddenly in wonderland… like shit, man, i guess children DO get older… fuck…

ii. house by the sea - moddi and i’m trying my best to be tough / to pretend i am strong and can siphon it off / but i’m not who i wanted to be / in my heart i belong in a house by the sea this is mostly related to the fic i wrote about stolen century-era lucretia and magnus talking about getting platonically married someday and lucretia dreams of them getting a cottage by the ocean together and once again papergardener recommended this song to me in the comments. so. a+ to them this is definitely a lucretia song <3

iii. training montage - the mountain goats i'm doing this for revenge / i am doing this to try and stay true / i’m doing this for the ones they had to leave behind / i’m doing this for you this song is specifically about the cycle with the four judges where lucretia has to fight her way back to her friends alone–both the lyrics and the feeling of a “training montage” really vibe with this for me… there’s also the brutal connotation of “i’m doing this for the ones they had to leave behind / i’m doing this for you” when it comes to lucretia as madame director… yeah.

iv. northern attitude - noah kahan you build a boat / you build a life / you lose your friends / you lose your wife literally like. building a boat and a life is obviously about the seven birds and the starblaster but on the next chorus instead of “lose your friends, lose your wife” it’s “lose your kids, lose your wife,” and like. taako losing his friends (and like obviously they all lost their friends but also with reference to taako & sazed)... merle losing his kids… magnus losing his wife. it’s all right there and lucretia is watching from the sidelines as the new lives she built for her friends fall apart and she can��t do anything about it.

v. people watching - conan gray i wanna feel all that love and emotion / be that attached to the person i'm holding / someday, i'll be falling without caution / but for now, i'm only people watching furthering my aro lucretia agenda + i also feel like this really get to the core of like, lucretia just watching for twelve years… the detachment from everything and everyone around her, the way she’s forced herself to stay on the sidelines, the aching she must feel for all of it…

vi. cry for judas - the mountain goats some things you do just to see / how bad they'll make you feel / sometimes you try to freeze time / 'til the slots are a blur of spinning wheels once before performing this song at a concert, john darnielle said “this is a song about how when you think about what judas did you have to cry for him, because it’s pretty sad” and like… holy shit, man. that’s her. that’s lucretia. that’s her song. she did what she thought was right but she still betrayed her family and the sadness in that is just so immense. you know what john darnielle? it is pretty sad!! (also hiiii @nbshrubberry this is the second mountain goats song on here so this does in fact seem like your niche)

vii. bad guy - set it off when I fought for you / i kept you safe at night / i would have risked my life / and you made me the bad guy i was introduced to this song by perhaps the best TAZ animatic on the internet and it’s literally her song. it’s like… she so clearly thought what she was doing was the only solution and she has done everything she can to keep her family safe and yet they’ve still turned against her… that shit’s heartbreaking, bro

viii. everything stays - adventure time everything stays right where you left it / everything stays / but it still changes / ever so slightly, daily and nightly / in little ways, when everything stays the idea of like, after story and song lucretia is once again surrounded by her friends but there’s this tenseness she can’t quite overcome, especially in her relationship to taako… everything has shifted ever-so-slightly even if they’re all back together again… yeah.

ix. i miss you - kimya dawson i don't need to / but i want to / sing with you / 'cause i miss you i feel like this one is fairly self-explanatory but like, fuck, man, the overwhelming feeling of loss she’s got to be feeling throughout the podcast even with her friends standing right in front of her… the loneliness in being the only one who remembers… she just misses her family </3

x. pieces and pieces - the rough and tumble i have let you down, pieces and pieces. / i will make you mine again, pieces by pieces.  it’s about loving and losing and making mistakes and doing everything you can to fix them… acknowledging you let your family down and doing whatever you can to fix what you’ve done wrong!!! fuck!!!

xi. the ends and the means - robby hecht the ends / they justify the means, my friends / oh, the ends, they justify the means again fairly self-explanatory but the idea of the ends justifying the means and lucretia feeling so so deeply that what she did was the only solution and that one day the pain would be worth it… this one is more the main idea of the song than the lyrics but it still reminds me of her.

[919]

hey! i made a dreamyjaylen playlist!! it encompasses a broad variety of moods + genres, and is not chronological. you can find it below!!

tracklist + annotations under the cut!!!

1. southwood plantation road - the mountain goats i am not gonna lose you we are gonna stay married in this house like a louisiana graveyard where nothing stays buried

2. we might even be falling in love (interlude) - victoria monét and it feels like i'm gonna know you for the rest of my life

3. samson - regina spektor oh, i cut his hair myself one night a pair of dull scissors in the yellow light and he told me that i'd done alright and kissed me til the morning light

4. landslide - fleetwood mac and i saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills till the landslide brought me down

5. annabelle - dessa and it's the same scene we had last night and i still don't know what happens to you i just stand here useless and watch you fade away

6. the haunting - slothrust i had a dream, i was haunting you too so i'll kiss myself, split my tongue into two why not try something new? for you i'll try

7. it's only me - dessa i didn't come to play it safe i came to win or lose with you i only live alone awake cause every night, yeah, you pass through

8. i will - mitski and we're not out of the tunnel i bet you, though, there's an end stay with me, hold my hand there's no need to be brave

9. no leverage / no pleasure - the scary jokes look i have no doors, i've torn through the walls i've ripped up the floors, laid waste to it all i burned up my body, now i have nobody can i have you? and can you be everything i need?

10. fast car - tracy chapman just 'cross the border and into the city you and i can both get jobs and finally see what it means to be living

11. let's get married - bleachers and i know it's hard enough to love me but i woke up in a safehouse singing honey, let's get married

12. pynk - janelle monáe pynk, like the tongue that goes down, maybe pynk, like the paradise found

13. die for your love - lp got the lust of my life got that will to survive but i'd die for your, die for your love

14. heaven is a place on earth - belinda carlisle they say in heaven love comes first we'll make heaven a place on earth

15. cowboy take me away - the chicks i want to sleep on the hard ground in the comfort of your arms on a pillow of blue bonnets in a blanket made of stars

16. greens - be steadwell ooh this love is so alive, alive, alive, alive!

17. love is a place - metric where do you live? love is a place where are you from? she said, "ask yourself, ask anyone"

18. twin human highway flares - the mountain goats on the day that i forget you i hope my heart explodes