#and I’m anxious and hate being perceived am I FUCKED?

[elysiumcalled]

how do u make (irl) friends as a 24yo who works from home every day help

[pvffinsdaisies]

UK & Ireland as Olivia Rodrigo songs

Plus OC’s in a reblog 💕

ENGLAND: making the bed

“Want it, so I got it, did it, so it’s done. Another thing I ruined I used to do for fun. Another piece of plastic I could just throw away. Another conversation with nothing good to say.

And I thought it, so I said it, took it cause I can. Another day pretending I’m older than I am, another perfect moment that doesn’t feel like mine, another thing I forced to be a sign.

Well, sometimes I feel like I don’t wanna be where I am, getting drunk at a club with my fair-weathered friends, push away all the people who know me the best, but it’s me who’s been making the bed.

And I’m tired of being the girl that I am, every good thing has turned into something I dread, and I’m playing the victim so well in my head, but it’s me who’s been making the bed.

(…)

And I tell someone I love them, just as a distraction, and they tell me that they love me like I’m some tourist attraction. They’re changing my machinery and I just let it happen, I got the things I wanted it’s just not what I imagined.”

IRELAND: Can’t Catch Me Now

“There’s blood on the side of the mountain, there’s writing all over the wall, the shadows of us are still dancing through every room and every hall. There’s snow falling over the city, you thought that it would wash away the bitter taste of my fury and all of the messes you made. Yeah, you think that you got away

But I’m in the trees, I’m in the breeze, my footsteps on the ground. You’ll see my face in every place, but you can’t catch me now. Through wading grass, the months will pass, you’ll feel it all around. I’m here, I’m there, I’m everywhere but you can’t catch me now.

Bet you thought I’d never do it, thought it’d go over my head. I bet you figured I’d pass with the winter, be something easy to forget, oh, you think I’m gone ‘cause I left…

(…)

You can’t, you can’t catch me now, I’m coming like a storm into your town. You can’t, you can’t catch me now, I’m higher than the hopes that you brought down!

(…)

There’s blood on the side of the mountain, it’s turning a new shade of red. Yeah, sometimes the fire you founded don’t burn the way you expect. Yeah, you thought that this was the end.”

NORTHERN IRELAND: brutal

“And I’m so sick of seventeen, where’s my fucking teenage dream? If someone tells me one more time, “enjoy your youth!” Im gonna cry. And I don’t stick up for myself, I’m anxious and nothing can help, and I wish I’d done this before, and I wish people liked me more.

All I did was try my best, this the kinda thanks I get? Unrelentlessly upset. They say these are the golden years, but I wish I could disappear, ego crush is so severe. God, it’s brutal out here.

I feel like no one wants me, and I hate the way I’m perceived. I only have two real friends, and lately I’m a nervous wreck. ‘Cause I love people I don’t like, and I hate every song I write, and I’m not cool and I’m not smart and I can’t even parallel park.

(…)

Got a broken ego, broken heart. And god, I don’t even know where to start.”

SCOTLAND: get him back!

“I met a guy in the summer, and I left him in the spring. He argued with me about everything. He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye, he said he’s 6’2 and I’m like “dude, nice try.” But he was so much fun, and he had such weird friends, and he would take us out to parties and the night would never end, another song, another bar, another dance, and when he said something wrong, he’d just fly me to France. So, I miss him some nights when I’m feeling depressed, ‘til I remember every time he made a pass at my friends. Do I love him, do I hate him? I guess it’s up and down, if I had to choose, I would say right now

I wanna get him back! I wanna make him really jealous, wanna make him feel bad. I wanna get him back ‘cause then again I really miss him and it makes me real sad. I want sweet revenge and I want him again. I wanna get him back!

(…)

I wanna key his car, I wanna make him lunch, I wanna break his heart and be the one to stitch it up. Oh, I wanna kiss his face with an uppercut, I wanna meet his mom, just to tell her her son sucks!”

WALES: enough for you

“And I knew how you took your coffee, and your favourite songs by heart. I read all of your self-help books so you’d think that I was smart. Stupid, emotional, obsessive little me. I knew from the start this is exactly how you’d leave.

You found someone more exciting, the next second you were gone. And you left me there crying, wondering what I did wrong. And you always say I’m never satisfied, but I don’t think that’s true, ‘cause all I ever wanted was to be enough for you.

And maybe I’m just not as interesting as the girls you had before, but god you couldn’t have cared less about someone who loved you more. I’d say you broke my heart, but you broke much more than that, now I don’t want your sympathy I just want myself back.

(…)

Don’t you think I loved you too much to be used and discarded? Don’t you think I loved you too much to think I deserve nothing? But don’t tell me you’re sorry, boy, feel sorry for yourself ‘cause someday I’ll be everything to somebody else. And they’ll think that I’m so exciting, and you’ll be the one who’s crying.”

[calebiswanted]

INTRODUCING…

Cory/Caleb/Casper (really any masculine name starting with C)

Pronouns: They/he/it (anything but feminine terms)

Current Hyperfixations: Inside out, The owl house.

If you found that I’ve posted about any other fandom, then I am also open to those.

Personal stuffs:

I am pan-romantic, homosexual, Trans//Demi-boy, although currently I feel I have no identity, feel free to get creative.

I don’t mind anyone who may feel attached or obsessive. I’m touch starved, and crazy in the inside.

I’m working on getting better at talking to people and I’m so sorry if I don’t respond to you immediately.

People who seem to have a huge liking to me or have some sort of obsession are people who are the most welcomed. PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME IM SO NORMSL I SWAER-

Single and terrified to mingle.

Socially awkward but also a social butterfly.

I am a did system, though because it’s not something that is simular to others I’m doubtful if I actually am.

Therapist said I was (not could have, but that I was) depressed and anxiety? Anxious? Anxiety prone???? After which, I canceled our sessions due to thinking she would tell my mother about what I was talking about.

Age: 16

Probably autistic, diagnosed ADHD.

Currently writing this because someone immediately followed me back after I followed them and I checked their age and my stupid ass immediately went “OMG they like you and want to be friends!!” And then another one said “You should try to date them.” I fucking hate you guys stop reminding me of how crazy I am.

Anyway…

Thing I enjoy:

Not immediately falling in love with someone my age who shows me any sort of affection

Staying on call with the people I love.

(I was going to insert something about father figures but thought that that was probably too much and this is probably only for someone who really wants to get to know me but I need a conversation starter.) hi:)

I love cheese. I’m too white to resist the temptations of delectable dary  product.

I don’t mind any sort of flirting but beware of me developing a crush on you.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please talk to me.

Hi:)

Warnings.

I’m going to state the obvious and non obvious.

I’m easily prone to love.

I’m obsessive in a shy manure and am constantly thinking about my impression on you.

I fear that I’m a terrible person, please tell me if I pass your boundaries or do something wrong.

I will make spelling mistakes, please don’t mind them.

I love to be adored in every concept.

Things I don’t enjoy.

Miss conceptions.

Being led on.

Being perceived as weird in the negative way.

Please tell me I’m normal.

I also would love to talk about characters I simp for or RP. Because my looser ass doesn’t like me, I beg that you do a OC x CC RP with me. (If you’re in my age range I am available to nsfw because teenagers be horney and shit.)

[kusundei]

oh my god im panicking the test was exactly what ace said it would be but. no i can’t im? freaking out??? im so anxious and its my fault i feel so guilty. i dont know what he saw i kept checking it over and over again to perceive it in the same way i assumed he would but i dont know what he saw.?? im just. so. so scared which says something does it not??? bcuz it proves i am horrible. that i have things to hide . i just i saw the look on his face and i told myself no. surely not. he wouldn’t. but i kept staring and i just felt my anxiety get worse and worse which is like? why???

i just i feel so guilty. i see it on his face. he must know. surely he does? I’m just. i am sick. i pride myself in being hyperaware of everyone’s feelings and putting them first but at my core i am selfish.??? did exactly what i said i wouldnt??? bcuz im horrible??? i just i cant im so scared i couldnt stop shaking during the entire test im horrified he knows and ive ruined everything. and regardless if he apologizes (which he doesnt even have any need to do) or says he saw nothing im still. horrified. he wouldnt lie but im scared and i cant stop shaking what the fuck i can’t im so guilty he must hate me or something i am panicking sososo bad why did i ever say anything in the first place??? if i never said anything then this wouldnt be an issue its the same guilt i felt last time i wish i could take it back or something. bcuz who am i??? to break my boyfriends boundaries for the sake of myself??? i must be insane ive taken too much for granted i shouldn’t be hiding anything in the first place . i never care when anyone takes my phone it’s just. ih my god. he knows and it’s over and i am so so so scared . he was in a good mood too??? km repenting bcuz what the fuck i shouldn’t have been hiding anything in the first place what is wrong with me?????? if he’s upset with me and hates me because of it then i just need to own up to my faults and deal w it i just oh my gof what the fuck i can feel my heart pounding out of my chest idony know what yo do ^_^ its my fault i shouldve known he would know eventually but i dont even know IF he knows .

trying to calm myself down and remember who he is because surely this wouldn’t end it. im just im crazy and panicking but i still feel so horrible ive felt horrible about it since the beginning . surely its okay and he doesnt hate me but i cant get the guilty feeling to go away and maybe thats just what i get for being selfish^_^ i feel so awful icant im so sorry what the fuck

[demented-tours]

Making a whine funny so it goes better with dinner.

I texted this to a friend (because I text books sometimes; sorry?), but am putting it here, too, because maybe sharing rants about the sheer improbability of existence is helpful in some other space. Or it might get me flamed into the outer rings of hell.

Meh.

~*~

Tuesday was unavoidable work hell, and on Wednesday I fucked up my back. Badly.

Of course I did. Can't feel feelings properly, so body takes hit, which means that in certain equation: XStress=YPhysicalBreakdown.

It's even predictable. Polite, my pain.

But my lower back/pelvis is now, “Worse than I’ve seen it in years” said my massage therapist.

Not great.

And I just thought to myself, "How disabled a life should I lead?"

Like, if somebody told me tomorrow, “If you quit your job, do yoga 45 minutes a day in carefully controlled environment, take THESE supplements, sleep 10 hours no matter what, and focus entirely on breathing the rest of the time, you’ll have zero pain in your life,” could I do it?

Would I want to?

Hell, I think that might be sort of what I was trying to do before I realized it was a zero sum game.

But I find that I’m at this bizarre place where I’m like, “Okay. I”m (likely)autistic-ADHD-OCD-acronym empowered. Disabled. Anxious. Chronic pain. Autoimmune bingo card winner. I have a full time, highly stressful job, and I think it’s fun to write 6 books at a time. I’ve given up most of my social outings, as I prefer to speak on the phone or in small groups. I don’t like to eat in public. Obligations give me hives. Literally. And also panic attacks.

Except for those obligations that I weirdly manage for myself? But not all of them? Like, how can, "Dee, let’s write 5000 words today!" Not stress me but "Dee let’s do laundry!" make me feel like I am facing the guillotine, and honestly, please behead me faster so it's over already?

And, conversely, how can, "Should we have sex?" feel like somebody’s asking me to scale Mount Everest naked whereas, "Can you do six hours of research on box beetles?" feel so good I feel it in my teeth?

I fucking don’t get myself. The more rocks I turn over, the more confusing it gets. I am a pile of misinformation and contradictions, and it is exhausting trying to sort out these grains of rice from these grains of wheat.

"Just take care of yourself" they say.

Sure, Jan, I say back.

Because I really feel like if I took away all my stressors, the motion of my own lungs would become annoying. Like, congratulations! You have achieved a zen state!

And then, ten minutes into said zen state, I can feel my fucking lungs moving in an obnoxiously even rhythm and want to rip them from my chest.

Because it isn’t what I do. It’s how my body/mind PERCEIVES it and REACTS to it without my fucking consent.

And yeah, I read all the books on retraining your brain. That works great if you want to stop hating spiders because one bit you as a kid and then your mom kissed your booboo, and you got the bandaid you liked.

It does not work well if spiders are attached to garden hoses because you once killed a spider and then got beaten with a hose because you left the back door unlocked before being sent to your room without supper where you rocked yourself for comfort and now you have a VERY complicated relationship with spiders (which you cannot be near) and hoses (which you like in kinky bedroom activity) and food (you can't eat supper without permission) and locks (you collect them) and being alone (which, as Taylor says, leads to ending up in crisis) and rocking (which you do only on airplanes, now, for Other Complicated Ass Reasons)*.

So yeah. Not simple.

I really don't pay my therapist enough.

But then I think all this, and I think, “Do I REALLY not like to eat in public??? I used to love it. I think? Or was I faking it? Or sometimes?

"Or is all this misinformation, too? Actually, is everything? Self, are we pretending to be disabled to get out of doing things we don’t like? Or do we legit need to get out of doing things we don’t like because we are disabled**?"

I have no fucking clue.

And my back hurts.

Sigh.

<3Dee

*(Please note: This is purely an example. I was not beaten with hoses. And I like spiders, and I rock in cars, not planes, thanks.)

**(This is my own self talk, not commentary on anybody else's disability. Because YOUR disability is 1000% legit. I will fight to the death for your self respect and accomodations. It's just my disability that's clearly for show.)

[boyfukkr]

being single after a bad relationship with an extroverted mentally ill guy as a very socially anxious guy who is perceived socially as a weirdo is like fuck man yeah i’m lonely and all but like at least i want to live now. i have no real connections with anyone i talk to every day and i’m pretty sure most of the people i speak to find me to be weird and unlikable but also, i like who i am and finally feel like i am worth loving. so.

like wow i have no real friends but also i don’t have a little rat in my ear whispering how i’m weird and a bitch and i should never speak to anyone ever. maybe i’m allowed to be nice to people because nobody’s constantly telling me that i am inherently a bad person anymore 🤯😱

i am around my peers and like yeah they hate me cause they like my ex and they don’t know who i am and all they’ve heard about me are my unconventional interests (anime and anime styled games) as gossiped about by said ex, but i know that’s not who i am as a person and i think i deserve to be loved at some point when i finally learn how to no longer have such an anxious attachment style. i don’t want to make my partner feel suffocated and trapped and i know i have an issue with that and i need to get better before i get into a relationship again.

but it also sucks cause every fucjing time i’m single and looking to make FRIENDS someone will confess to me. at some point it begins to feel like i’m incapable of making real friends. haha guys thanks if you think i’m cute but also you do not want to date me it won’t be good for either of us i swear. i just wanna play video games and watch movies and shows with someone with NO ROMANCE. idealistically of course i WANT romance and sex and stuff but i know logically it’s terrible for me right now and i need to be a better person but godddd it’s so hard. so hard to be sexy🙁 /j i just want real friendsssss….. honest to god if i had to be fwb to get a real friendship rn i’d do it i just want a best friend i was made to connect and to love i hate being so far away emotionally from every person i talk to. :((

[moonysfavoritedog]

i’m home alone and high. Can’t process any thoughts unless they’re written.

my partner is in The South visiting his family. He has two younger sisters, and the youngest brought their boyfriend to meet the rest of the family. My partner & I have known bf for 10 months bc we all live in Oregon. Anyway, my partner is talking with his middle sister and told her my first impression

My partner: Liz hated him at first bc of his frat bro energy

His sister: Well, Liz hates everybody [he said she wasn’t being condescending, just said it like it’s a known fact]

Idk how to feel about this. My first response was “that’s not true!” But then I thought more. And I definitely don’t trust anyone. Is that what she sees? Maybe that’s what she meant? Idk I don’t think I hate everyone! Idk why that would even be said? Except that I’m very expressive. Have the sister been talking about me? Idk why it feels weird. I don’t think of hating many people, but I do have strong opinions about people and it takes a VERY long time to trust anyone and I probably act a bit wary.

Is this a case of “actually I’m just autistic and incredibly socially anxious but I pretend to be confident very well” am I being perceived as rude/aloof and no one in their family has told me? Does the sister think I hate her? Bc I’m so fucking quiet when it’s just the two of us?? Bc I’m just pretending to be a human and we have nothing in common???

Thanks for being part of my digital diary 🖤

[marikos-diary]

I just got back from going for a little drive (aka having a smoke). It was okay. I was kind of anxious because I didn’t bring my wallet!!! So I didn’t have my license. But I had only planned on sitting in my car with the window cracked and smoking like that. But when I got out there there was a guy in the car next to mine and I got so anxious about being seen that I pulled my hood up and just went on autopilot. Next thing I knew I was buckled in and turning down the driveway onto the complex main road. So I drove around and explored the community and it was okay. I would have preferred to just sit in my car but there was someone there. Monday seriously can’t come soon enough for me to get that ash tray and deodorizer stuff.

I had opened the windows before I left and was enjoying the fresh air. I closed them when I left to go smoke, and I was far too anxious to reopen them when I got back home so I just turned on the AC instead. Now it is starting to get pleasantly chilly in here. I also have all the blinds closed so that no one can see me which is helping with my anxiety.

I don’t know what to do about sodas tonight. I have two in the fridge that I was going to save but they are like my sole comfort so I might have them today. Maybe I’ll DoorDash four of them from McDonald’s. I don’t feel up for interacting with people. It makes me panic and want to cry.

I took my last three ativan because I was starting to freak the fuck out and get super upset and I kept having urges to bang my head against the cabinets and that didn’t sound like a good idea. So I took all three and now I am out of ativan until the end of the month. But I have the new non addictive as needed one in its stead so that should help at least a little. I don’t know. I went for the ativan this time because I needed results, and I have yet to have real results from the hydroxyzine. I’ve taken it at max strength a few times now and it doesn’t feel like it does anything. But it’s all I’ve got so I’ll keep taking it.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Mom got a flu and Covid booster shots today so she is resting and can’t talk and hates texting anyway. I’m too scared to open discord, and only like one person ever talks to me there so it doesn’t really do anything anyway.

I am getting suicidal again. It’s a problem. I am not going to tell anyone because I don’t want them to send me to the hospital. I’ll just cope through it myself. I just have to hang in there until mid November when my dbt group starts. I’ll try my best. I don’t have much to look forward to right now so it is hard. I want to do it. I really do because I am miserable. I don’t know. I stick around for my cats because I love them. But one day that won’t be enough, I think. I never thought I’d say that but I truly think that a day will come where I will be so miserable that not even that will save me. I would leave out lots and lots of food and water. And then I would lay down and do it. I want to in this moment. I am miserable. I can’t do anything. I can’t go to school I can’t leave the house I can’t attend my appointments because there is always a stupid video and I hate being seen and perceived. It makes me want to throw up.

I want to do something upbeat and relaxing and fun to uplift my mood like I am supposed to, but I am too anxious to do anything other than sit on the couch and write in my diary. I can’t watch tv because the building is too dangerous for me to be distracted. I can’t read a book because the building is too dangerous for me to be distracted. I can’t play a game because the building is too dangerous for me to be distracted. All I can do is sit here on my phone or my iPad and be vigilant. It is awful. It is miserable. I hate it. I hate it so much.

I can’t do anything. I am so unwell. I don’t know. I just want to feel better and I know one way to feel better really quickly but it would make other people sad.

I think I am going to have those two sodas I mentioned earlier. Small comforts. Small comforts. Anything to get through the day. I still haven’t made my bed. I still haven’t cleaned the litter boxes. Although I did clean up one of Callie’s accidents so I guess that counts for something.

I wish I could be soothed and take a bubble bath. Maybe I’ll shuck down to my t shirt and underwear and get in the tub like that. I bought children’s bubble bath that also cleanses. But, oh, I can’t. I got excited for a second, but that would still leave me in a vulnerable position in case of an intruder. So scratch that. Ugh.

It is so chilly in here and it is really nice. It is 68 I think. I am in a hoodie and sweatpants and I am chilled. Maybe I will put my wool socks on. That sounds really nice. Maybe I will look at apartments and condos and mobile homes to pass the time. I’m not really up for reading the news today. It just feels too loud.

I don’t know where the cats went. I had a meltdown mid writing this and screamed really loud and they both ran to hide. I am not a good person because I scare my cats and therefore it is okay if I die. Then they wouldn’t be scared of me anymore.

I don’t know. The timing is right. The situation is right. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I might. I truly might. I don’t know. I want to so badly. I want to be done. Those fucking children ruined everything for me and I hate them. I had a good thing going. I was stable. And now I’m not. I hate them so much. And the worst part is that I can’t talk about this feeling in therapy because then I’ll have to go to the hospital and be away from my cats and I’ll be so scared and anxious and throwing up all the time. Also I was sexually assaulted in an inpatient hospital and refuse to go back. So I can’t talk about being suicidal in therapy. Because then I will be forced to go to the hospital and I will just get worse and worse and worse.

So I guess I am done taking medicine for the day because I don’t think I can trust myself to not take it all. Another day no AP. At least I got my SSRI and buspar half dose. It usually isn’t so scary for me. Maybe tomorrow will b better. Maybe I’ll go hav another smoke. No. It’s too bright outside. I could smoke in the office and use my soda cup as an ash tray I guess and just open the window. Or I could put on my giant fuck off headphones and go sit in the car. I am scared to go that far away though. But I could really use a cigarette. Ugh. Monday can’t come soon enough.

I am going to try and go to my car to smoke. Hang on.

————-

Il back. I put on my fuck off headphones and put up my hood and power walked to the car. I thought the coast was clear, since I didn’t see anyone, so I lit up. Then the car next to mine that had super tinted windows turned on and I got a massive spike of anxiety. I wasn’t wearing my glasses so I for real couldn’t drive or escape so I just kind of… said fuck it and had my smoke. They sat there for a little bit (taking photos of my and my license plate to report maybe?) and then they left. So I finished my smoke in peace.

I am back inside now. I still have my hood up and my headphones on because it feels safer that way. No music or anything. I did have sunglasses in my car that I could have put on but they aren’t prescription. It would only be for anonymity. I didn’t think of that at the time.

I guess I should get a car ash tray too instead of littering on the roads and parking lots. My first car was from 96 and it had an ashtray and a lighter built right into the dash. Totally a different time. I miss that. I hate my current car. There is always something wrong with it. I am overdue for an oil change but I am very afraid to go so it is just going to have to keep waiting until I feel better. That’s what got my last car. I was doing exceedingly poorly and stopped taking care of it and ignored the oil change warnings. I was too depressed and anxious. So eventually it just kicked the bucket. I think that took maybe a year. Maybe less. I don’t know. The timing is all a blur.

I do feel a little calmer after my smoke though so I am glad I went. I wish I could use my main blog as my diary but my pretend bff reads it. So I don’t feel safe posting there anymore. So, here we are.

Thé AC is still set at 68 and I think it is on because the blinds are moving back and forth. And my feet feel kind of chilly. I’m not going to turn it off. I don’t care if it wastes energy today. I am too afraid to open the windows. The only window I would open would be the smoking window. But it’s not Monday yet so my things haven’t arrived. I hope they arrive in the earlier part of the day. If not I will pick them up that evening. Amazon can’t find my building so I have to have my packages delivered by o my moms house which I really hate but I don’t have any other option.

Still rocking hood and headphones. I should clean the litter boxes. Or at least just one of them. I think I could do just one of them. I don’t know how many days it has been since they were cleaned. I know Callie is just straight up refusing to use them now days. I think it’s behavioral but who knows. She has a vet appointment scheduled for the 21st.

Annnnnd the suicidal thoughts are back. And I have no one to talk to about them. I am too afraid of hospitals to go to the hospital (and that would require leaving the house which I just refuse to do) I can’t do the day hospital even though I really liked it last time because, again, it would require me to leave the house. Which would mean someone wasn’t here to guard against intruders. So that’s not an option. My supposed bff doesn’t respond when I text so I am not going to bother even trying. My mom (the only other person i text) isn’t feeling well and also would flip out and send me to the hospital so I can’t tell her. And I’m not close enough to anyone else to tell them things like that. And I am not telling my therapist because I don’t want to go to the hospital. Same reason I won’t tell my psychiatrist. I don’t want to go to the hospital. They don’t help me. They just make me worse. They are a massive trigger.

I used to have a lot of friends and people I could talk to. But then they started bullying me. I said fuck that and dropped them. And then I had dance friends so I at least could pretend we were close and then Covid happened and I am still too uncomfortable being that close to people so I haven’t gone back yet. And I don’t have any university friends. I am too old for them.

I don’t have any online friends. I don’t have university friends. I have two old work friends that I sometimes see but would never text. I am very isolated. I don’t know how to trust people anymore anyway. After all of the abusive relationships, after all of the bullying, after all of the betrayal and abandonment, I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t trust people and I don’t want to.

I would like to order sodas. But that means either they buzz my buzzer or I have to go to the door to meet them. And both things feel very difficult right now.

I wish Kayla was alive. She would be there for me. She was always there for me. I don’t know. Maybe it’s not worth trying anymore. Maybe I should just do it. I don’t know. I am torn. I don’t want to upset the cats. I love them so much. I just don’t see a future. I don’t see myself getting a degree. I just can’t picture a future for myself. I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.

[the-graceless-delaney-grace]

I hate being so anxious. I’ve been dating someone so amazing for over two months now, which is the longest I’ve dated anyone. And I care for them a lot. But I keep thinking about how I’ve perceived romance for so long and how it’s always to immediate, but I’m so slow in my pace and I worry that goes against how they enjoy romance. And last night, we both had our own separate anxiety meltdown related issues and were able to calm down together, but I kept getting in my own head about shit like “what if I’m lying to myself? What if I’m being caring this way because they’re a great person and I don’t want to hurt them? How am I supposed to know this stuff?” And being vulnerable is so fucking hard because the last time I think I was truly truly vulnerable was during my kind of psychosis period and that’s been reigniting those feelings again thus making me feel more anxious and terrible. But that’s not their fault, and I tend to feel pretty okay about things after I’m on my own again. Is that normal, or are my nervous thoughts right? I really like them and don’t want to hurt them but also don’t want to feel shitty because I’m so slow in my pace of things. Like, I don’t like making out and I feel weird with tactile contact and anything like that. Idk I’m rambling but my nerves are deranged.

[demolitions0ul]

This is just a vent post which I haven’t done in a really long time because I haven’t felt the need. In many ways I’ve improved greatly my mental health has been so much better and I’m learning to take better care of myself and I have surrounded myself with people that I love. But recently I’ve watched my physical health take a nose dive it’s gradual and it’s terrifying.

I feel more and more out of control. My own body is failing me I feel weak and am often shakey when standing. I’m worried it’ll get to a point where I won’t be able to handle it any more and I’ll have to start using a mobility aid to help me get around. And I know that that’s not the worst thing in the world and people have it far worse. But I’m watching myself get worse and I can see all the things I could easily do get harder to do and one day maybe very soon some of the things I love may be impossible for me to do and I hate that it feels so soon. This is supposed to happen to me when I’m 80 and I’ve lived and not now not when I’m in my 20s and I don’t even know who I am and I haven’t done anything with my life yet. Im going to lose it all before I can even do anything with it.

The other day I got up and I felt so weak every muscle feels tense with every movement and I had to sit down and my legs wouldn’t stop shaking and I felt sick to my stomach cause I just saw it before my eyes my life as I know it slipping away. My freedom my autonomy being ripped away from me by my own body. Im so sick and angry anf so fucking scared I don’t know what to do if there’s anything to do I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I know it’s so fucking vain and such a pathetic thing to be worried about but I’ve always been so worried about what people think of me and how they perceive me and if they think I look nice and people are going to treat me differently if I have something so visibly different. I hate that I’m worried about this. I tell myself I like being different and weird and I like the looks I get because I dress differently but a lot of the time I hate the attention I get because of it. Im so in my head I feel like I get attention all the time anyway and every one sees me and doesn’t like what they see and I just at least if I dress weird on purpose it feels like they’re looking at me because of that and not because I’m making a fool of myself or because everyone can see how anxious I am all the time. It gives me some control.

But this this i have no control over and I hate it.

[jacksnaces]

Inconvenient Qualities Pt. 1

I do not dance. I was told I look stupid and everyone is going to laugh. I hate my smile. My mom spent so long trying to teach me how to smile exactly right. She showed me what a good smile was like. I never did figure it out. I do not draw or paint anymore. I thought I was getting good, but I mean she was always my biggest critic. I hate my laugh. I hate how loud I talk. I wish I could join in on the stupid little games. I cannot react. You could have just got me tickets to Noah Kahan but I’d be too worried of looking stupid. I do not know how to use my words. I cannot express emotions. I cannot say I love you even when I mean it. She made that such a big deal. Went as far as to get onto me. But dad always encouraged it. But never did he stand up for it. Now I struggle telling family that I love them. I cannot sing. Sometimes if the music is loud enough I will join in. But I over think it. I wanted to write music but that is also on the list of things I’m unable to do. And it is funny. I am a hopeless romantic yet doing something as simple as buying flowers or writing a letter is so incredibly difficult to do. I cannot buy the things I need. So instead I buy things I want. I do not understand that one. Owning more than one pair of shoes makes me anxious, I must be clean. Used to I had to be fully put together even just to go to the store. Luckily this one I have mostly broken. I have learned not to give a fuck. I cannot take pictures of myself. I judge every photo taken so harshly. And that sucks because I love pictures. Sometimes hearing footsteps through the house or the sound of the knob being touch causes me to panic. Sending texts absolutely scares me. I was taught to worry how others perceived me. I was taught defending myself was considered talking back. Finally, my brain took it upon itself to quit trying to calmly explain and go straight into fight mode. I think there is a second side of me living in my brain. But also, I am scared I have made that up just to keep from accepting fault. Which is funny cause like I still accept what I did, and I am still striving to fix it. I have been taught I am not allowed to go to sleep until I have solved the problem. I have been taught my needs come second and they do not get met unless I am needed. I struggle with food. I was told I will get fat and be ugly if I was not careful but also, I was not allowed to leave the table until every bite was gone. My sensory issues was me just being dramatic. My meltdowns was just so all the attention would be on me. I was and still am too young to have depression or anxiety and I never did go to war so there is no way to have PTSD. I am just living in a delusional world out of spite of my mom. She makes sure to remind me I’m not actually trans, but I’m doing this out of spite. Funny. You may wanna be careful, as I only have emotions to try to gaslight those around me. And watch out for the fact that I cannot accept responsibility. That one still cracks me up. I spent so many years trying to be perfect, but it will never be enough. I will never be worth loving. Not unconditionally at least. I do nothing but destroy everything around me just for fun. Not because the fact I was autistic was hidden from me and the mental abuse I endured. I can’t do arts and crafts as that was childish and dumb. Plus, her father always had a say. Could not join any school plays cause as dramatic as I was, I wasn’t good enough to be in theater. I was a slob. Despite me keeping the house and yard perfect. I just did not have time for my laundry after helping put hers away. I do not love my siblings because I could not stand being touched. I am going to taint them and ruin them just because I exist. I will never become anything in life. I will die sad and lonely, living on my parents’ couch. Inconvinent qualities that the trauma formed. So may lies pushed into my brain. Little by little I am taking it back.

[katyspersonal]

Hey for the fandom ask let’s change a little i’m curious to know what you think of Deltarune characters (& Undertale if no one else ask)

Oh, alright! Yeah, I do not address UTDR all that often despite avidly awaiting Deltarune's completion... This happens when I am into a thing but choose to not interact with the fandom! I will separate the games because even though UT and DR share some characters, even they are slightly differently portrayed.

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

DELTARUNE:

❤Favorite character

This motherfucker is some of the most intimate and personal a character ever got to be for me:

I was actually so surprised by Literally Everything about him that I needed several days to process his EXISTENCE xD I absolutely love every single line he makes, and I feel strange deep relation to him (not kinnie one, but it feels spiritual). We are just on the same wavelength about being huge l00sers, being cringe but with a unique charisma, having intense mood swings, using weird humour and, of course, the whole 'perceiving the world as a simulation and going insane because of it'... I wish there was a legit term for 'the character I do not kin yet relate to and feel emotions of like they were my own'. I also once had a weird dream about him fusing with me into one entity to get to be 'real' using my human soul, and trust me, that was a whole TRIP for a considerable time. :')

👿Least favorite character

I will have to say Jevil, but this isn't entirely fair... Like I said, I am not ABLE to dislike a fictional character, ESPECIALLY by Toby, but with Jevil it is a love/hate relationship, so he is the only one who can even approach ;-; He is same category as Patches Fromsoft: the 'You have a lot to love about you, but... WHY.' kind of character. xD

💐Comfort character

Deltarune version of Asgore is THE definition of the soft man. Somewhat lingers with me that in UT timeline he murdered children, but... this just doesn't get to me. After all, most people are capable of terrible atrocities, it is only a matter of whether they meet the conditions that bring it up in them or not. Hehehe...

😍Character you have the biggest crush on

Surprisingly, not Spamton! We are only [[Serious Business Offer]], my [[babygirl]]! Instead, I fucking HAD to have a crush on the hypocritical weather wane bitch ass motherfucker idiot Rouxls Kaard! x_x I still can't justify it to this fucking day. I tend to only like characters that are smart and complex, but I guess his Style TM and charisma alone are irresistible.

🤝Character you relate to the most

You probably won't believe me, but... Noelle? Yeah, I know, this is very hard to communicate because she is sweet and soft but I am rude and abrasive, to say the least. Nonetheless, I am as far as kinning this character. There is a side of me that is alas not shown very often, however, close friends know of it. Christmas is my favourite holiday, I am very smart and talented but let people use me, I ask too many questions, I have some kindness to me, I am anxious and get startled easily, I am actually easy to push around the closer you are... Heck, sometimes I switch full mode into speaking like her, feeling like her and envisioning myself as her in my mind. x_x

It is a side of me that no longer shows often, nonetheless, it is still alive, like a soft core under a very thick skin. I also started to SERIOUSLY relate to her history after learning of the Snow Grave route.

🔥Character you think is overrated

I ammmm gonna say, Spamton NEO version! When this character became really popular, it felt as though everyone only cared about his NEO form! Yeah, they are the same character, actually, but it is more about the delivery! If you don't love Spamton at his 'silly super short failing salesman that lives in the trashcan', you don't deserve him at his 'tall cool robot' form!!!!1! /lh

🧨Character you love to hate

Rouxls Kaard again! I know, it is the only DR character that gave me even a semblance of attraction, but I will always bully him for the coward and hypocrite siding with the winning side that he is XD

🙈Character you always forget exists

That one red blob with a face that characters always act around as if that's their friend and someone famous. See, I do not even remember their name! This is how much I forget about them!

🐰Favorite non-human character

Deltarune has only one human character to begin with, so I will use this field as 'favorite unexplored character' instead. Well, I was actually rather fond of Diamond King in my time! Gave him hella headcanons and all that!

❤️‍🩹Character who deserved better

ALL THE KINGS!!!!!!!! Diamond, Heart and Club Kings - because they were just a haha funny cameo with only Diamond King having at least SOME lines. Spade King was handled well enough in the canon, but it was the fandom that gave him pretty bad treatment - from neglecting the nuance of his character to the outright ableism (I am serious). But even fandom aside, Spade King deserved better than having endured an obvious divorce from a rather shallow wife, being abandoned by his Knight and living in the bitterness about how Lightners treated the Darkners. No shit he became an unlikeable person. Like... can anyone treat him nicely?

UNDERTALE:

❤Favorite character

I love them all, but THE favorite got to be Undyne!

She is already the badass fish girlfriend in the normal timeline, however, her best traits sure get to shine in Merciless Route. Her speech about humans and monsters hearts beating as one just to continue existing absolutely won me over. The coolest character, hands down.

👿Least favorite character

No such thing, sorry! The closest I can think of is Muffet because unlike other bosses, she is Just There and is doing the smug anime girl moves, but she is still cute! Also I still like spiders ;-;

💐Comfort character

W. D. Gaster + Whatever fandom made out of W. D. Gaster (that mostly comes from interpreting Mystery Man sprite as him). But honestly, this character makes me happy! A mad scientist that accidentally cancelled his own existence and transcended beyond his own plane.

😍Character you have the biggest crush on

Stupid motherfucking Mettaton and his pretentious, full of self personality -_- Can you tell yet that I have a type? W. D. Gaster is the close second, however.

🤝Character you relate to the most

Honestly, Papyrus. Almost a kinnie. Again, something hard to explain, because you can see my personality doesn't match, but it is just... the whole 'looser that really wants approval but is THE manifestation of everything that won't make anyone except a few people appreciate him'. He is also silly, that I can relate to. I will turn goddamn full TWENTY SIX in April, but I am still just really silly and naive @_@

🔥Character you think is overrated

I don't know whether I want to say Sans, because he kindaaaaa deserved his popularity... I think it is more about how his potential was overrated. In every Undertale AU, he is the central figure, and like... THIS is my gripe. If you gonna alter universes, why not touch other characters?

🧨Character you love to hate

Mettaton, because he is a huge bitch, actually xd Like, yes, he is very attractive, but I also want to short his circuits and not in the way of a weird euphemism, but in a literal way :( Think of 'I want to strangle him' but in regards of a robot character. Fuck him for abandoning Napstablook and being mean to Alphys when she is clearly struggling with many issues in weird ways :( I still love him tho

🙈Character you always forget exists

Nice Cream guy! Only ever remember about him when he is brought up in his ship with Burgerpants.

🐰Favorite non-human character

Again, Undertale has like... TWO human characters, so I will reverse this point! Picking between All Two of them, I think I like Chara better than Frisk. They invoke so much sympathy, they were the only one who truly understood Asriel (by his OWN admission!), they take lacking trust and bullshit very seriously and were clearly a very strong-willed child.

❤️‍🩹Character who deserved better

The entire Dremurr family, including Chara. I mean... the whole plot sprouts from the tragedy of this family, so I guess this part is a no-brainer. Honorable mention is Alphys in the ending variant where Mettaton becomes the king, because it is heavily implied that she either committed minecraft or simply was in a terrible mental space enough to distance and disappear from society. I am thinking about that timeline every now and then. I even had a lost concept of her trying to run away from everything that fell on her and falling into rift in time, that changed her permanently. A never developed AU because people in a Discord server dissed my overly elaborate idea :(

Thank you for the ask though! I don't get to talk about UTDR side of me all that often, despite how much it means for me!

[ddudumemes]

SOUR SENTENCE STARTERS 

(( collection of ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE sentence starters taken from OLIVIA  RODRIGO’s first album ‘ SOUR ’ . ))

001.  BRUTAL  . ‘  i  think  that  i'll  die  before  i  drink  .  ’ ‘  who  likes  me  ??  ’ ‘  who  hates  you  ??  ’ ‘  who  am  i  if  not  exploited  ??  ’ ‘  where's  my  fucking  teenage  dream  ??  ’ ‘  i  don't  stick  up  for  myself  .  ’ ‘  i'm  anxious  and  nothing  can  help  .  ’ ‘  and  i  wish  i'd  done  this  before  .  ’ ‘  and  i  wish  people  liked  me  more  .  ’ ‘  all  i  did  was  try  my  best  ,  this  the  kinda  thanks  i  get  ??  ’ ‘  i  wish  i  could  disappear  .  ’ ‘  ego  crush  is  so  severe  .  ’ ‘  god  ,  it's  brutal  out  here  .  ’ ‘  i  feel  like  no  one  wants  me  .  ’ ‘  and  i  hate  the  way  i'm  perceived  .  ’ ‘  i  only  have  two  real  friends  .  ’ ‘  lately  ,  i'm  a  nervous  wreck  .  ’ ‘  i'm  not  cool  ,  and  i'm  not  smart  ,  and  i  can't  even  parallel  park  .  ’ ‘  got  a  broken  ego  ,  and  broken  heart  .  ’ ‘  god  ,  i  don't  even  know  where  to  start  .  ’

002.  TRAITOR  . ‘  i  played  dumb  ,  but  i  always  knew  .  ’ ‘  i  kept  quiet  so  i  could  keep  you  .  ’ ‘  ain't  it  funny  how  you  ran  to  her  the  second  that  we  called  it  quits  ??  ’ ‘  ain't  it  funny  how  you  said  you  were  friends  ??  now  it  sure  as  hell  don't  look  like  it  .  ’ ‘  you  betrayed  me  .  ’ ‘  i  know  that  you'll  never  feel  sorry  for  the  way  i  hurt  .  ’ ‘  you  talked  to  her  when  we  were  together  .  ’ ‘  loved  you  at  your  worst  ,  but  that  didn't  matter  .  ’ ‘  it  took  you  two  weeks  to  go  off  and  date  her  .  ’ ‘  guess  you  didn't  cheat  ,  but  you're  still  a  traitor  .  ’ ‘  there's  no  damn  way  that  you  could  fall  in  love  with  somebody  that  quickly  .  ’ ‘  remember  i  brought  her  up  and  you  told  me  i  was  paranoid  ??  ’ ‘  god  ,  i  wish  that  you  had  thought  this  through  before  i  went  and  fell  in  love  with  you  .  ’ ‘  you  gave  me  your  word  ,  but  that  didn't  matter  .  ’ 003.  DRIVERS  LICENSE  . ‘  i  got  my  driver's  license  last  week  .  ’ ‘  you  were  so excited for  me  .  ’ ‘  and  you're  probably  with  that  blonde  girl  who  always  made  me  doubt  .  ’ ‘  she's  everything  i'm  insecure  about  .  ’ ‘  how  could  i  ever  love  someone  else  ??  ’ ‘  i  know  we  weren't  perfect  but  i've  never  felt  this  way  for  no  one  .  ’ ‘  i  just  can't  imagine  how  you  could  be  so  okay  now  that  i'm  gone  .  ’ ‘  guess  you  didn't  mean  what  you  wrote  in  that  song  about  me  .  ’ ‘  you  said  forever  ,  now  i  drive  alone  past  your  street  .  ’ ‘   all  my  friends  are  tired  of  hearing  how  much  i  miss  you  .  ’ ‘  they'll  never  know  you  the  way  that  i  do  .  ’ ‘  today  ,  i  drove  through  the  suburbs  and  pictured  i  was  driving  home  to  you  .  ’ ‘  i  still  fuckin'  love  you  ,  babe  .  ’ ‘  i  still  hear  your  voice  in  the  traffic  .  ’ ‘  i  know  we're  through  but  i  still  fuckin'  love  you  .  ’

004.  1  STEP  FORWARD  ,  3  STEPS  BACK  . ‘  all  i  did  was  speak  normally  .  somehow  ,  i  still  struck  a  nerve  .  ’ ‘  you  got  me  fucked  up  in  the  head  ,  boy  .  ’ ‘  never  doubted  myself  so  much  .  ’ ‘  am  i  pretty  ??  am  i  fun  ??  ’ ‘  i  hate  that  i  give  you  power  over  that  kinda  stuff  .  ’ ‘  it's  always  one  step  forward  and  three  steps  back  .  ’ ‘  i'm  the  love  of  your  life  until  i  make  you  mad  .  ’ ‘  do  you  love  me  ,  want  me  ,  hate  me  ??  ’ ‘  i  don't  understand  .  ’ ‘  maybe  in  some  masochistic  way  i  kind  of  find  it  all  exciting  .  ’ ‘  which  lover  will  i  get  today  ??  ’ ‘  will  you  walk  me  to  the  door  or  send  me  home  crying  ??  ’ ‘  did  i  say  something  wrong  ??  ’ ‘  it's  back  and  forth  ,  going  over  everything  i  said  .  ’ ‘  did  i  do  something  wrong  ??  ’ ‘  maybe  this  is  all  your  fault  instead  .  ’ ‘  i'd  leave  you  ,  but  the  rollercoaster's  all  i've  ever  had  .  ’

005.  DEJA  VU  . ‘  so  when  you  gonna  tell  her  that  we  did  that  too  ??  ’ ‘  that  was  our  place  ,  i  found  it  first  .  ’ ‘  i  made  the  jokes  you  tell  to  her  when  she's  with  you  .  ’ ‘  do  you  get  déjà  vu  when  she’s  with  you  ??  ’ ‘  do  you  get  déjà  vu  ??  ’ ‘  do  you  call  her  ,  almost  say  my  name  ??  ’ ‘  let's  be  honest  ,  we  kinda  do  sound  the  same  .  ’ ‘  i  hate  to  think  that  i  was  just  your  type  .  ’ ‘  now  i  bet  you  even  tell  her  how  you  love  her  .  ’ ‘  don't  act  like  we  didn't  do  that  shit  too  .  ’ ‘  you're  tradin'  jackets  like  we  used  to  do  .  ’ ‘  a  different  girl  now  ,  but  there's  nothing  new  .  ’ ‘  i  know  you  get  déjà  vu  .  ’

006.  GOOD  4  U  . ‘  good  for  you  ,  i  guess  you  moved  on  really  easily  .  ’ ‘  you  found  a  new  girl  and  it  only  took  a  couple  weeks  .  ’ ‘  remember  when  you  said  that  you  wanted  to  give  me  the  world  ??  ’ ‘  good  for  you  ,  i  guess  that  you've  been  workin'  on  yourself  .  ’ ‘  i  guess  that  therapist  i  found  for  you  ,  she  really  helped  .  ’ ‘  now  you  can  be  a  better  man  for  your  brand  new  girl  .  ’ ‘  well  ,  good  for  you  you  look  happy  and  healthy  ,  not  me  ,  if  you  ever  cared  to  ask  .  ’ ‘  good  for  you  you're  doin'  great  out  there  without  me  ,  baby  ,  god  ,  i  wish  that  i  could  do  that  .  ’ ‘  i've  lost  my  mind  ,  i've  spent  the  night  cryin'  on  the  floor  of  my  bathroom  .  ’ ‘  you're  so  unaffected  ,  i  really  don't  get  it  but  i  guess  good  for  you  .  ’ ‘  well  ,  good  for  you  ,  i  guess  you're  gettin'  everything  you  want  .  ’ ‘  it's  like  we  never  even  happened  baby  ,  what  the  fuck  is  up  with  that  ??  ’ ‘  good  for  you  ,  it's  like  you  never  even  met  me  .  ’ ‘  remember  when  you  swore  to  god  i  was  the  only  person  who  ever  got  you  ??  well  ,  screw  that  ,  and  screw  you  .  ’ ‘  you  will  never  have  to  hurt  the  way  you  know  that  i  do  !!  ’ ‘  maybe  i'm  too  emotional  but  your  apathy's  like  a  wound  in  salt  .  ’ ‘  maybe  i'm  too  emotional  or  maybe  you  never  cared  at  all  .  ’ ‘  maybe  i'm  too  emotional  .  ’ ‘  your  apathy  is  like  a  wound  in  salt  .  ’ ‘  maybe  you  never  cared  at  all  .  ’ ‘  good  for  you  you're  doin'  great  out  there  without  me  ,  baby  ,  like  a  damn  sociopath  .  ’

007.  ENOUGH  FOR  YOU  . ‘  i  wore  makeup  when  we  dated  'cause  i  thought  you'd  like  me  more  .  ’ ‘  tried  so  hard  to  be  everything  that  you  liked  .  ’ ‘  i  knew  how  you  took  your  coffee and  your  favorite  songs  by  heart  .  ’ ‘  i  read  all  of  your  self-help  books  so  you'd  think  that  i  was  smart  .  ’ ‘  i  knew  from  the  start  this  is  exactly  how  you'd  leave  .  ’ ‘  you  found  someonе  more  exciting  the  nеxt  second  ,  you  were  gone  .  ’ ‘  you  left  me  there  cryin'  ,  wonderin'  what  i  did  wrong  .  ’ ‘  and  you  always  say  i'm  never  satisfied  but  i  don't  think  that's  true  .  ’ ‘  all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  for  you  .  ’ ‘  and  maybe  i'm  just  not  as  interesting  as  the  girls  you  had  before  .  ’ ‘  but  god  ,  you  couldn't  have  cared  less  about  someone  who  loved  you  more  .  ’ ‘  i'd  say  you  broke  my  heart  but  you  broke  much  more  than  that  .  ’ ‘  i  don't  want  your  sympathy  ,  i  just  want  myself  back  .  ’ ‘  i  just  want  myself  back  .  ’ ‘  don't  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  be  used  and  discarded  ??  ’ ‘  don't  you  think  i  loved  you  too  much  to  think  i  deserve  nothing  ??  ’ ‘  but  don't  tell  me  you're  sorry  .  ’ ‘  feel  sorry  for  yourself  .  ’ ‘  someday  ,  i'll  be  everything  to  somebody  else  .  ’ ‘  you  say  i'm  never  satisfied  but  that's  not  me  ,  it's  you  .  ’ ‘  all  i  ever  wanted  was  to  be  enough  .  ’ ‘  i  don't  think  anything  could  ever  be  enough  for  you  .  ’ ‘  nothing's  enough  for  you  .  ’

008.  HAPPIER  . ‘  you've  moved  on  ,  found  someone  new  .  ’ ‘  i  thought  my  heart  was  detached  from  all  the  sunlight  of  our  past  .  ’ ‘  does  she  mean  you  forgot  about  me  ??  ’ ‘  i  hope  you're  happy  but  not  like  how  you  were  with  me  .  ’ ‘  i'm  selfish  ,  i  know  ,  i  can't  let  you  go  .  ’ ‘  find  someone  great  ,  but  don't  find  no  one  better  .  ’ ‘  i  hope  you're  happy  ,  but  don't  be  happier  .  ’ ‘  do  you  tell  her  she's  the  most  beautiful  girl  you've  ever  seen  ??  ’ ‘  remember  when  i  believed  you  meant  it  when  you  said  it  first  to  me  ??  ’ ‘  and  now  i'm  pickin'  her  apart  like  cuttin'  her  down  will  make  you  miss  my  wretched  heart  .  ’ ‘  she's  beautiful  ,  she  looks  kind  ...  she  probably  gives  you  butterflies  .  ’ ‘  i  wish  you  all  the  best  ,  really  .  ’ ‘  say  you  love  her  ,  just  not  like  you  loved  me  .  ’ ‘  think  of  me  fondly  when  your  hands  are  on  her  .  ’

009.  JEALOUSY  ,  JEALOUSY  . ‘  i  kinda  wanna  throw  my  phone  across  the  room  .  ’ ‘  i  know  their  beauty's  not  my  lack  .  ’ ‘  i  can't  let  it  go  .  ’ ‘  comparison  is  killin'  me  slowly  .  ’ ‘  i  think  i  think  too  much  'bout  kids  who  don't  know  me  .  ’ ‘  i'm  so  sick  of  myself  .  ’ ‘  i'd  rather  be  anyone  else  .  ’ ‘  my  jealousy  started  followin'  me  .  ’ ‘  i'm  happy  for  them  ,  but  then  again  ,  i'm  not  .  ’ ‘  oh  god  ,  i  sound  crazy  .  ’ ‘  their  win  is  not  my  loss  .  ’ ‘  i  can't  help  gettin'  caught  up  in  it  all  .  ’ ‘  all  your  friends  are  so  cool  ,  you  go  out  every  night  .  ’ ‘  you're  livin'  the  life  .  ’ ‘  i  wanna  be  you  so  bad  and  i  don't  even  know  you  .  ’ ‘  all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be:  happier  .  prettier  .  ’ ‘  all  i  see  is  what  i  should  be  .  ’ ‘  i'm  losin'  it  ,  all  i  get's  jealousy  .  ’

010.  FAVORITE  CRIME  . ‘  know  that  i  loved  you  so  bad  i  let  you  treat  me  like  that  .  ’ ‘  i  was  your  willing  accomplice  .  ’ ‘  i  watched  as  you  fled  the  scene  .  ’ ‘  one  heart  broke  ,  four  hands  bloody  .  ’ ‘  the  things  i  did  just  so  i  could  call  you  mine  .  ’ ‘  the  things  you  did  …  well  ,  i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime  .  ’ ‘  you  used  me  as  an  alibi  .  ’ ‘  i  defended  you  to  all  my  friends  .  ’ ‘  now  every  time  a  siren  sounds  i  wondеr  if  you're  around  .  ’ ‘  'cause  you  know  that  i'd  do  it  all  again  .  ’ ‘  i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime  .  ’ ‘  it's  bittersweet  to  think  about  the  damage  that  we'd  do  .  ’ ‘  i  was  goin'  down  ,  but  i  was  doin'  it  with  you  .  ’ ‘  i  say  that  i  hate  you  with  a  smile  on  my  face  .  ’ ‘  look  what  we  became  .  ’ ‘  i  hope  i  was  your  favorite  crime  ,  'cause  baby  ,  you  were  mine  .  ’

011.  HOPE  UR  OK  . ‘  his  parents  cared  more  about  the  bible  than  being  good  to  their  own  child  .  ’ ‘  he  wore  long  sleeves  'cause  of  his  dad  .  ’ ‘  somehow  ,  we  fell  out  of  touch  .  ’ ‘  don't  know  if  i'll  see  you  again  someday  but  if  you're  out  there  ,  i  hope  that  you're  okay  .  ’ ‘  she  raised  her  brothers  on  hеr  own  .  ’ ‘  she  couldn't  wait  to  go  to  college  .  ’ ‘  she  was  brought  into  a  world  where  family  was  merely  blood  .  ’ ‘  we  don't  talk  much  ,  but  i  just  gotta  say  i  miss  you  and  i  hope  that  you're  okay  .  ’ ‘  nothing's  forever  ,  nothing  is  as  good  as  it  seems  .  ’ ‘  well  ,  i  hope  you  know  how  proud  i  am  you  were  created  .  ’ ‘  but  ,  god  ,  i  hope  that  you're  happier  today  .  ’ ‘  'cause  i  love  you  and  i  hope  that  you're  okay  .  ’

[hlizr50]

You Belong with Me

Azriel and his brothers are high-power executives, and while the Valkyrie ladies always attend the fancy dinners and events, Gwyn is NOT wealthy and is the only one who isn't attached to someone who is. When Gwyn volunteers to take Azriel to the cabin early to prep for their big family/friends vacation, they have a conversation about how she might have to cut back. Add in banter and hours of Gwyn unabashedly belting Taylor Swift, and Az realizes that not having her around is just not an option.

Guys... I've never cared for AU, never been big into song lyrics. But my soul just needed this to be a thing. So here it is.

Read on AO3

“You sure this thing is gonna get us there?” Azriel’s smug grin only earned an eyeroll from the redhead on the other side of the car, opening the driver’s side door.

“Just put your shit in the trunk and get in the car,” she huffed across the weathered blue of the roof. He chuckled, slinging his suitcase into the trunk as the door slammed – maybe with a little extra force. He loved poking at her, and he knew she would dish it right back. After closing the trunk he returned to the open door on the passenger’s side and lowered himself into the well-worn leather seat. “You know not all of us are fortunate enough to be high-level executives at multi-million dollar companies. But rest assured that this historical document restoration expert and her 16-year-old Toyota with 154000 miles are going to get you to the cabin safe and sound. Because you insisted on getting there a day early to make sure everything is secure.” Gwyn deepened her voice, giving him her best Azriel impersonation. And maybe he was being a bit… overzealous. But he had always been the most keenly aware, the most protective. He may have been CFO, but he was also deeply involved in security – both from the standpoint of the organization and of it’s employees. And his family.

He simply smirked, “If you say so.”

“You’re insufferable,” she groaned, turning the key. The car rumbled to life, and Azriel had to admit that he was impressed with how quiet it still seemed to run. He was sure Gwyn was a stickler about maintenance. “Just for that, you are sentenced to three hours of me serenading you with the best songs Taylor Swift has to offer.”

“Oh, Gods, anything but Taylor Swift.” Azriel grimaced, hiding the secret joy he rarely let her see. He loved it when she sang. Her voice was lovely, of course, but what hit him harder was how she seemed to radiate joy when she did it.

Gwyneth Berdara wasn’t quiet and shy like he tended to be – not by a long shot. She was irreverent and blunt and bold. But he could see the shadows that hid just behind the shimmer in her eyes – he could tell there were demons there. Her sister had been murdered four years before, in the apartment they both had shared, and it had wounded her deeply. Nesta had mentioned that there was more to the story, but that it was only Gwyn’s to tell. So, yes, she definitely had darkness that followed her, but she kept it well hidden. He’d learned, as they had become friends, that she often grew anxious in large crowds or chaotic environments. She didn’t feel safe, and that had always bothered him. Regardless of how many people were around or how crazy it was, her friends were there with her. He was there. Whatever it was that kept her so on edge, he imagined that the lingering sadness in that deep ocean gaze and the faraway wistful look that sometimes passed over her features were a part of it.

But when she sang she was a beacon of light, with the brightest smile and rosy, freckle-flecked cheeks.

“Don’t you dare disrespect the goddess T. Swift,” she glowered, and as they pulled onto the highway he lost himself in the lilting notes of her car concert.

He wasn’t sure how long they’d been driving – at least seven works of the goddess T. Swift – when he reached for the volume knob on the console and turned it down.

“Are you coming to the charity gala in a couple weeks?” Azriel looked over at her, noting the light stain of pink gracing her cheeks. She kept her eyes on the road.

“Oh… No.” Gwyn glanced over at him and gave a tight smile, causing him to purse his lips.

“Why not?”

“Az,” she chided, throwing him a stern look. “It’s too expensive. I can’t afford a seat and a dress. Hell, I probably can’t even afford one or the other.” He stayed silent, mulling over the understanding that money wasn’t something he ever had to worry about, and how he could make that not a problem for her. “Besides, you know how I am with crowds like that. I’d probably just have an attack and ruin everyone’s night.” She tried to laugh it off, and that troubled Azriel even more. Because she had seemed disappointed just then when she said she wasn’t going.

“Do you want to go, Gwyn?” He prodded. I want you to go. She sighed, adjusting herself in her seat to straighten her back.

“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, it’s really not possible for me.” She shrugged, as if that was it.

But that wasn’t it. Everyone was going to be there. She should be there, too. She should be there, with him.

“You know we would help –“

“I know, Az. But I’m not asking you, or Rhys. I’m not asking anyone. I can’t keep depending on everyone else just to go to events and dinners and whatever else.” She sucked in a breath. “I just… I don’t live the same life that the rest of you do. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just how it is.”

“Gwyn, you know nobody cares about that.” Azriel frowned. “I understand that my family is… fortunate. Privileged. But you and Nesta and Emerie are a part of us.”

“It’s not the same, Azriel.” Azriel. The full name. This was more serious than he realized. “Nesta is with Cassian and Emerie is with Mor. It makes sense that maybe they’re taken care of. I’m just… a friend. A friend who is poor.” He opened his mouth to argue but she beat him to it. “And it’s not just about covering food… you go to places with dress codes and too many forks for dinner, and with the company’s increasing success the three of you are only growing more popular and more press-worthy. Especially you.”

“Me?” Azriel swallowed, brows furrowed. “Why especially me?”

Gwyn cast him a pointed look, eyes dark and serious. “You’re the last single brother, Az. You are eligible bachelor number one. All the single ladies in the metropolitan area, if not further out, will be pining for you. If they’re not already.”

Eligible bachelor number one. He rolled his eyes. “I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“Oh Az. Sweet, precious, innocent Az. Have you seen yourself? You’re gorgeous. You’re wealthy, successful, and absolutely beautiful.” Azriel raised a brow and gave her a sideways glance, but she was so stubbornly keeping her eyes trained ahead. It was responsible, of course. She was driving. But not even a peek meant that she was intentionally avoiding looking over at him. The corners of his mouth turned downward, not quite understanding how this conversation had gone the way it had.

“Is that so? Please, tell me more,” he snickered. If there was anything that he knew, it was how to draw her back with teasing. She wouldn’t back down from a challenge, and Gwyneth Berdara was ruthless when it came to having the last word. The corner of her mouth twitched, and he knew she was doing her best not to smile.

“I hate you so much,” she huffed.

“Now, I don’t think that’s even remotely true.” He reached out to pinch the apple of her cheek, but she slapped his hand away, sending a glower that only made him laugh.

“The single ladies can have you. Maybe you’ll find someone else to annoy.”

“Aw, Gwynnie. You know nobody could ever replace you.” And even though it was in jest, it was also… true. “And what would you do without me?”

“Get some peace and quiet for once?” And when the redhead turned with that scrunched freckled nose and her tongue stuck out at him Azriel was relieved to have the playful girl – his best friend – wearing a smile again. “Now shut it or sing along, you have not been punished with nearly enough of our lady Taylor Swift.”

And so the ride continued, but Azriel chewed on his lower lip, contemplating everything Gwyn had said. She was fiercely independent, so he could understand how she might not want to accept what she might perceive as charity, or worse, pity. But the idea of her just not being there… it made something inside of him feel hollow. He reached out and turned down the volume again.

“Why wouldn’t you say anything? About where we’re going to dinner? Or about not being comfortable at big events?” He didn’t even try to hide that he was staring at her, trying to pinpoint any reaction she may have. Once again pink stained her cheeks.

“Az, it’s not like you guys are going to stop going to fancy restaurants so you can come to Wendy’s with me. I don’t want to take away from anyone’s fun.” Fucking ridiculous.

“Did you ever stop to think that maybe we would have less fun without you there?” Azriel tried to keep his tone light, but his temper was flaring. He wasn’t sure why, but it bothered him that she would think she could just… not be there and they would all just go on like it didn’t matter.

“Of course I did,” Gwyn shrugged nonchalantly and threw him a wink. “I know it will be hard but I’m sure you’ll manage somehow. Besides, I don’t plan on just disappearing. I just… need to be more thoughtful about what I’m doing. I’ll just be around… less.” She turned the volume back up and jumped straight into the lyrics, not giving him the opportunity to tell her how preposterous she sounded.

Azriel leaned back in his seat, losing himself in thought with Gwyn’s lovely voice still soothing him in the background. He didn’t know how long he’d been brooding when the volume increased dramatically, blaring through the interior. Looking over he found her tapping on the steering wheel and swaying to the beat of her majesty Taylor Swift. Her eyes were shining, her smile was brilliant, and she sang like she didn’t have a care in the world.

You’re on the phone with your girlfriend, she’s upset

She’s going off about something that you said

‘Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do

I’m in my room, it’s a typical Tuesday night

I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like

And she’ll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find

That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you,

Been here all along, so why can’t you see

You belong with me

You belong with me

Walkin’ the streets with you and your worn-out jeans

I can’t help thinking this is how it ought to be

Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself

Hey, isn’t this easy?

And you’ve got a smile that could light up this whole town

I haven’t seen it in awhile since she brought you down

You say you’re fine, I know you better than that

Hey, what you doing with a girl like that?

She wears high heels, I wear sneakers

She’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers

Dreaming ‘bout the day when you wake up and find

That what you’re looking for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you,

Been here all along, so why can’t you see

You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door

All this time how could you not know, baby?

You belong with me

You belong with me

Azriel felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he was seeing Gwyn for the first time. Unbridled joy, laughter when she turned to him when she was singing, dancing in the driver’s seat like a passenger’s worst nightmare.

And he couldn’t help but listen to the words, too. Surely that part was coincidence, but he couldn’t help but feel like she was speaking to him… something was speaking to him.

He grinned as she shimmied her shoulders and rocked her head from side to side, wisps of copper flying away from her ponytail.

Oh, I remember you drivin’ to my house in the middle of the night

I’m the one who makes you laugh even though you’re ‘bout to cry

I know your favorite songs and you tell me ‘bout your dreams

Think I know where you belong, think I know it’s with me

Can’t you see that I’m the one that understands you

Been here all along, so why can’t you see

You belong with me

Standing by and waiting at your back door

All this time, how could you not know baby?

You belong with me

You belong with me

You belong with me

Have you ever thought just maybe

You belong with me

You belong with me

“Gosh I think I went too hard on that one. I’m out of breath!” she laughed, and she glanced toward Azriel in the passenger seat. “Have you had enough yet, Az?”

“Never,” he murmured, and her breath caught. She turned her focus back to the road, but kept stealing looks back at him. She seemed unsure of how to respond, but he was also lost in his own head.

He didn’t want to be the eligible bachelor. He didn’t want to annoy anyone else. He knew that he had cared for Gwyn as more than a friend for a long time – Nesta and Cassian had always encouraged him to do something about it. Nesta in particular had assured him that Gwyn felt the same way. But no matter how much Azriel had flirted she never seemed to acknowledge it, never seemed inclined to do something about it. They bantered and challenged and laughed, but never more.

But Nesta continued to be insistent. She told Azriel that there were some things about Gwyn that might keep her from acting upon her affection for him, and maybe he should make the first move. He never had, of course, for fear of rejection and fear of ruining the relationship that they had.

But now suddenly he was looking at a future where she wasn’t always there. He didn’t like the thought of that. He would go to Wendy’s for dinner instead of whatever black-tie restaurant had their reservation. But, furthermore, he would take care of her, like Cassian took care of Nesta. He wouldn’t go to events without her, and he would make sure that she was comfortable and safe while she was there. Because he would keep her close. He would always keep her close.

By the time Gwyn was pulling the car onto the driveway leading to the cabin she was only singing quietly to herself and letting him sit in his own silent thought. And as soon as she parked and turned off the car he knew exactly what he needed to do.

Without a word he ripped off the seatbelt and burst out of the car, slamming the door behind him. He was already crossing across the front when Gwyn popped out.

“What the hell, Az? The car is 16 years old you can’t just slam doors like that –“

Azriel grabbed the back of her neck and crushed his lips to hers. Gods, they were perfect – warm and lush. She inhaled shakily against his mouth and he tugged at her bottom lip with his teeth. He swept his lips across hers once again before pulling away only slightly, resting his forehead against her own. They were both breathing hard, and her expression nearly sent him to his knees. Gwyn’s teal eyes were wide, shining with surprise and confusion. Her lips were swollen and her freckled cheeks stained crimson. Azriel wasn’t going to give himself enough time to question this, though.

“You’re coming to the gala,” he insisted, gaze flitting wildly between her lips and her eyes before drowning in the ocean pools. “I’m buying your ticket. On our way home after this weekend we’ll go shopping for a dress. And no matter what you wear you will be the most exquisite thing there.”

Gwyn looked up at him, chest still heaving and eyes still wide, and nodded.

“And you’re coming to every dinner and event and anything else after that. Because, no matter what you might think, I don’t want to be there if you’re not there.”

“Az –“

“And when you’re there, you won’t think about money or crowds. Because I’ll be there. I’m going to take care of you and make sure you’re safe. Because I don’t just want you to be there with all of us. I want you to be there with me. Okay, Gwyn?” His eyes bore into hers, willing her to understand, to see what was in his heart.

“Okay,” she nodded. Her breaths had quieted, her eyes were warm, and there was a ghost of a smile there. And Azriel dared to hope that Nesta had been right, and all he’d needed was to take the leap.

“Can I kiss you again, Gwyn?” he asked.

“Please,” she giggled at him, smile widening. He leaned in, this time with much more restraint and care, slanting his lips over her soft ones and gently moving against them. When he pulled away his face was plastered with a shit-eating grin, which grew impossibly bigger when he saw her blushing.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time,” he laughed, still not believing that he had done all that, and that it had… worked?

“I… I’ve wanted you to do that for a long time.” Gwyn sighed and then dragged her bottom lip between her teeth. “So… so just to be clear. You want me… to be…?” Azriel chuckled and ran his hands down her arms and then tangling their fingers together.

“I want to date you. I want you to be my girlfriend. I don’t want to aggravate any other single ladies. I don’t want to be an eligible bachelor. I just want you. We can go to fancy dinners or charity events or the finest fast food restaurants in the metropolitan area.” He pressed his lips to her forehead and then kissed her cheek. “Will you?”

“Yes,” she breathed. “Of course, Az.” He bent his head and kissed her again. He couldn’t get enough of it. It was like he was making up for lost time.

“As her holy highness Taylor Swift said, you belong with me,” Azriel grinned devilishly. “I can’t help but be suspicious that you planned that… planned to make me fall for your beautiful voice and how adorable you are.” Gwyn tilted her head back and laughed, nearly a cackle full of amusement and contentment.

“I did not plan it, but I’m not going to complain about how it turned out.”

[umbralrosa]

10 Q’s

Tagged By: @s-talking Tagging: @casketdweller, @xmpereur, @the-ghoul-remains, @hail-the-one-eyed-king, @fallesto, @alvcrd, @astra-stellaris, @calamxty, and anyone who wishes to do so

ℒ:

1. When are you usually online? It’s spotty nowadays because of school, but otherwise -- always. I’m usually checking my phone the most or popping on the comport to check the activity page or scroll the dash. I’m always on my phone exclusively reading in tags and hanging around in IM’s if they’re blowing up. I’m eastern standard time in the U.S. so I’m particularly on my phone around 10-12 and my computer is varied.

2. What verses are you involved in? Yes. Just check the verses page I got one too many: Tokyo Ghoul, Destiny, Naruto, Witcher, Avatar The Last Airbender, InuYasha, Demon Slayer, Jujutsu Kaisen, My Hero Academia, Hellsing, Black Butler, Final Fantasy VII, and Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss.

3. What is your biggest RP pet peeve? When people obviously don’t read my rules, particularly any of the information on my muse on the blog before or after interacting. I have everything on SakuYoru on this blog that should cover just about all things real-life and fictional. Usually I get the occasional hypotheticals or needed clarifications, which I do enjoy dearly, but I always have been able to tell in the interactions when someone hasn’t done the needed homework. People always specify needing all information on an OC somewhere on the blog and I have it -- then they don’t do their own part reading it. Which goes in tandem with blogs that set up a muse page but have zero information on their muse or the verse they intend to write them in -- this is particular with canon muse blogs, and this leaves me confused despite knowing what canon character their roleplaying with. I also hate when there isn’t a tag for posts, particularly OOC ones so I can just block it without issue. I also have a problem with people following the blog and never interacting or reaching out at some point -- this is exclusively for those who I tried interacting with and received zero answers or was outright ignored, because I myself am extremely socially awkward and anxious so interacting is hard even with mutuals at times, and being ignored while seeing apparent favoritism is just... It cripples my confidence y’know, so I end up doing a clean-out to see who cares or not.

To name a few.

4. Are you drawn to specific types of muses? Them broody dark types always get me. Any character with a dark trauma-filled past basically. Bonus points if they make SakuYoru think and want to come out of their shell.

5. Are there reoccurring themes in your writing that people might not notice? I’m the one who doesn’t notice, so I have no idea m’self. I think I switch between 1st/2nd and 3rd person with SakuYoru in my writing, and lean on descriptions of the character, environment, and what the character is perceiving in real time. It’s the details that SakuYoru catches, and I want that conveyed always that they are always aware.

6. What are your favourite RP trends? I don’t even know what is trending right now on Tumblr. I live under a whole different rock even on the internet. I guess one of those aesthetic boards.

7. What is your process for starting a new story with someone? Plotting spooks me, so anything off an ask or meme that’s turned into a thread is much preferred. I think a given concept of a thread is what can roll with but I prefer that go-with-the-flow vibe.

8. How do you feel about duplicates? SakuYoru is my own OC, so I don’t think there will be duplicates there better fucking not be owo. I have had suspicions when people suddenly pull an idea out after interacting with SakuYoru and add a few copypastes, but I’ve anxiously assumed that 2 times on my whole time on Tumblr. 

9. How long have you been involved in roleplaying? *squints* 2009/2010 for sure. Assuming you’re not counting the weird larp/roleplay shenanigans kids do with their siblings through characters in multiplayer video games.

10. Is there a muse or verse you could write in, but haven’t? I think I got everything covered so far. I do have to get around to that Bloodborne, League of Legends, and any sub verses within other completed verses.

[son-fuori-di-me]

"I had no idea I could change someone's life."

One Shot. Word Count | Around 3300. Description | <French female pov> you're visiting Rome for the first time, and you casually meet Damiano David the day before the Circo Massimo concert. The conversation takes a unexpected path.

Content | Real talk. No romantic development. * Expect French idioms and italian approximations from automatic translators

---

"Bordel, c'est immense !" ("Holy cow, that's big !") I said, looking at the Circo Massimo.

It was my first time in Rome. Knowing Italy a bit, I expected a hell lot of sun, a delicious bunch of ice cream for each meal, and tons of pretty things to snap with my phone. Well, that was the plan for my first two days there. Cause Saturday would be a very different day. Saturday would be Måneskin day.

I've been waiting for so long to do this trip. And what a blast it has been for now. Took only a bag, my external battery, some makeup and my favourite clothes to finally discover this astonishing city. This was my first solo trip. I've always travelled with my family or my ex, but never on my own. For once, I could decide what I wanted to see, what I wanted to eat, when to take a break. And as there are plenty of things to see in Rome, i wanted to enjoy every second of my trip. I could focus my last day there solely to the Måneskin concert happening that Saturday night. But as I didn't want to leave anything to chance, I decided to precisely organize my last day, so I could visit a bit more - a get a last fantastic meal before the concert.

I got myself a gold pit ticket. I guessed that would mean I had a special queue. So on Friday night, as I was back from a late tour in town, I decided to watch more closely the Circo, to check for the entrances, and see how I could sharpen my organization and schedule for the next day.

"J'espère que je vais pas avoir à poireauter toute la journée, avec la chaleur qu'il va faire." ("I hope won't have to hang around here all day tomorrow, the weather's gonna be hot as hell")

It was almost 10 pm. I was getting closer to the Circo, trying to read the boards, but all was written in italian and didn't seem to concern the concert. And a year fangirling over Måneskin clearly wasn't enough to become fluent. I saw no sign mentioning "gold pit". So I decided I would ask around, with Google translate ready in my phone in case I couldn't find anyone speaking English.

I saw a guy sit on a bench, smoking. He was dressed in an ugly dark sweater, with the hood over a cap. He was either a drug dealer or a hobbo. My instinct as a girl living in Paris got the uphand and I decided to ignore the guy and try to find a woman instead, or maybe a group of locals, to get me the information I wanted. Unfortunately, after a good 20 minutes walking around and asking people, no one could tell me how to make sure I find the right queue for the concert. I was about to give up and head back to my airbnb and I saw a silhouette still sitting on a bench, near the Circo. It was the same guy from earlier. "Bon, je tente, s'il est trop chelou, je me barre." ("Well, might as well take the risk, if he's too much a weirdo, I clear off quickly.")

"Scusi, do you speak English ?" i said, getting closer to the guy, but still from a good distance in case it turned wrong.

"Pretty good. You need something ?" He was searching something in his pockets and reached his pack of cigarettes. His voice was deep, but gentle. He did look funny but didn't sound dangerous - i still didn't get too close as I hate the smell of smoke.

"Do you know well il Circo Massimo ? I'm going to a concert here tomorrow and I want to make sure I find the right queue, but they haven't installed any sign yet". I asked, showing the structure of the stage behind me.

"Cute accent, where are you from ?" he answered, completely ignoring my question.

"Well, I'm French. So, do you know il Circo ?" I preferred to quickly repeat my question to let him know I wasn't interested in whatever he was trying to.

"Ah, Bonjour ! I speak a little French !" He said, now reaching for his lighter.

"Yeeaaaah cool, but how about the Circo ? I'd like to be here early enough, but I don't know wh-" I froze as he lighted up his cigarette. It was brief, but with the spark, I saw his face for a second.

"Hm ? You don't know what ?" He asked, with a smirky voice.

"Mais naaaan ?" ("Dont tell me -") I let out that typical French astonished sound without thinking. "You gotta be kidding me !"

He laughed as I was getting a little closer, staring at him. With one hand, he was putting his lighter back in his pocket, with the other, he lifted a bit his cap. It was him. It was Damiano.

I felt my spine shiver with that uncomfortable sensation of being around someone famous. As a journalist, I had my lot of interviews, so I knew there's no point in changing behavior around such people. But I still was flabbergasted to see him.

"Sorry, I didn't recognize you. Well, gotta say you're not dressed in your best outfit !" I chose the strategy of sass, to hide how impressed I actually was.

"That's my favourite sweater you're seeing me in, and I'm smoking hot in it" He said with a smirk, getting into the sassy game.

"Time off before the big day ?" I asked, completely forgotting about my initial request and switching to my interview mindset when I'm super focused about the conversation. "Shouldn't you be having a great night of sleep, to recharge your batteries ?"

"I don't feel like going to bed" He said, having no idea how the conversation would soon turn. Fortunately for him, I wasn't working in the music media industry. "That's quite a stage we're gonna play on."

I didn't know why he was talking to me about all of this. I didn't dare to ask him either. I just enjoyed the moment.

"Well, the Eurovision song contest was bigger, wasn't it ?"

"Hm, don't tell me about it, I still don't know how I managed that."

He suddenly had a strange tone in his voice. It didn't sound like the radiant and confident Damiano you see on Instagram stories or on TV interviews. I remembered where I heard him like that. In the 2019 documentary "This is Måneskin", the making of Il Ballo Della Vita album, in the sequence he's arguing with Vic on a train, as he tells her how anxious he can be get sometimes.

"Well, you did, didn't you ?" I put on a more serious voice. "And you had a ton more of pressure, representing your whole country ? So how a concert here in your home town could be worst than performing in front of all of Europe - not to say the whole world ?"

He was still smoking, listening in silence.

"Or maybe it isn't about how big the performance is but about performing in itself ? Why are you performing ? Why are you putting on a show ? All those fancy clothes and that makeup, who is it for ? For people to love you ? Or for you to love yourself ?"

Mais qu'est-ce que je branle ? Il va se barrer dans deux secondes, là c'est sûr (What the fuck am I doing ? He's leaving any second now.) I got a bit too excited about being able to share a few words with him. What's gotten onto me ? Well, let's go then.

"What is it you're running after ? Or running from maybe ? Some complex to compensate ? With all that smudge and confidence, that wouldn't surprise me."

He sat back on the bench. As he inhaled a deep breath of smoke, I saw a smile on his face. But I also saw his hand holding the cigarette shaking.

"Are you a psychiatrist or something ?" He simply said, as if he was trying to keep his voice as steady as possible.

I hesitated to tell him the truth. I was sure he would walk away the second he would know my actual job. Et puis merde, autant tout dire. (Well, fuck, might as well be honest.)

"Nope, I'm a journalist." I admited, as he looked right back at me with a surprised look. "Pretty much the same. We get appoitments with random people, listen to their life, observe their body language, and tell them our whole opinion about all of it, which might very well shape how they perceive themselves from now on."

"Only difference is that you don't have to keep anything secret. Right the contrary."

There. This was it. He was gonna leave now, for sure.

"Before you go, did I hit any truth ? Don't worry, I'm not in the music media industry, I won't write anything from our conversation." I hoped this information would save me a few more seconds with him.

He didn't answer right away. He didn't leave either. He kept looking at me, still smoking his second cigarette in a row now.

"Whatever it is you write about, I guess you must be good at it" he finally replied. "Cause you did score a few points."

Another short silence broke. As a fan, I was obsessed with his music, lyrics, and attitude. But catching a glimpse of what lied behind the glamour definitly caught my interest. I wanted to know more.

"Why are you here ?" I slightly deepened my voice, getting back to my interview tone, and kept on going with this as if that was usual business for me. "It's half past 10. You play on Rome's largest stage tomorrow. You surely better should be in bed, or be about to, before the big day."

In that moment, I had the upper-hand in the conversation. He was sat on the bench, I was on my feet in front of him, and therefore above him. Not the best approach to get someone's trust for an interview, but with a personnality like Damiano's, you gotta put your own show.

"I actually don't sleep much before big events like these" He finally answered, accepting his condition as an interviewee. "I don't sleep much at all."

"You're tend to insomnia ?"

"Not really, I just got used to 4-5 hours of sleep, that's it."

"Even during tours ? Cause this all sold-out European tour for Teatro d'Ira must have been exhausting".

"You have no idea, bellezza."

"So tell me." From there, I decided to change my strategy and sat on the ground, still in front of him, but giving him the upper-hand, to put on a more trustful atmosphere. "How are you doing ? And I don't mean, like casual 'yay, fine', I mean : how are you doing ?"

I still have no idea of my tactical move of giving him more space to express himself worked, or if he understood right away where I was leading him, but in the end, he still didn't seem bothered by this conversation we were having. In fact, it looked like he was enjoying it.

"I'm... content, I'd say." He paused, and I didn't interrupt him with another question this time. "I know I'm going through the life I wanted. The music, the tours, the praise. It's all I could have ever asked for."

D'accord, très bien, mais ? (Okey, very good, but ?) I stayed silent, but I couldn't help anticipating what he was saying.

"But surprisingly, sometimes it's still... unfulfilling. Like I can never be satisfied".

Repressing some Hamilton's lyrics from my mind, I innocently pretend I didn't fully understand what he meant - another journalistic technique, to get someone to repeat themselves with other words in order to get them deeper into their reflexion.

"What do you mean, "never be satisfied" ? You're on top of Spotify chart list, your albums are now platinum successes, you're winning awards. How is this not satisfying ?"

"It's just... What are all those things for ? Money ? Fame ? Yeah, I like those but..."

"Typical Capricorn" I muttered, to slide in the conversation that I actually knew pretty well my subject - my subject being him. He chuckled.

"Damn really ? Let me guess ? Aries ?"

"Pisces+Taurus, actually. So what, you don't like being famous ?" Getting back quickly into more questions - another technique to keep control over the rhythm of an interview.

"It's not that I dislike it. It's just... not always as fun as I thought it would be."

"What part of the job ? The writing and composing ?"

"No, that's the best part." He reached for a third cigarette. It was almost 11 pm now. "Vic, Thomas and Ethan. Måneskin. They're the best thing that ever happened to me".

"Then what, you feel like a fraud ?"

"Hell, no ! I'm exactly where I should be." He claimed, with a light pride tone.

"So, if you're proud of what you create, and if you love the people you create that with, then what is the matter ? If life is about getting the Bare Necessities, it seems like you got it all." Hitting with a universal - and musical - reference. Shoud do the trick.

"Hahaha ! Lo stretto indispensabile, si ! But life isn't that easy." He said laughing, as I felt he started to let go of the tension. "In real life, you get judged all the time, and people try to dismantle you, and spread rumors."

"I didn't think you'd be one to listen to people's comments about you".

"I'm not. I stopped giving credits to those. But it's still here, you know ?"

"From what I see, you're keeping it real, with lots of wisdom. I can't quite grasp what seem to bother you."

He paused, looking at his feet for a few seconds.

"I'm afraid it won't last." He finally confessed. "I'm afraid it all ends as quickly as it all started. I'm afraid people get bored. I'm afraid I become a caricature of myself. I'm afraid I can't write new songs. I'm afraid to be a shooting star, you see ? Very bright, but gone in a flash."

"Like, to be an Icare ? Or may I say "Ykaaar" like on your Instagram ?"

He chuckled again.

"Huh, I'm that obvious ?"

"Yeah, even a bit over-the-top, if I may dare say so."

"Well, I've always related so much with this mythological figure. I mean what's wrong with aiming for the Sun ?" He said, pointing a hand to the dark sky above us. From his attitude, I could tell he was way more relaxed than in the beginning. He even took his cap and hood off, so I could now see his face more clearly. His eyes were glittering. "Burning your wings... What's that morale supposed to teach us ? Be modest ? Be moderate ? Che noia !" (How boring !)

"Well don't be !" I felt almost like scolding him. "There's nothing wrong with seeking big dreams. As there's nothing wrong with this feeling of being outrun by your life. Savour the moment. Every second of it. It's because you can't know how long it may last that it tastes so good, so thrilling ! And you actually already are ten steps ahead ! Writing songs like ´Torna a casa' or ´Coraline' at, what, 19-20 years old ? You're the real deal, dude. And even if later on, you get blank page anxiety or write just good-enough songs, it's okey. You got plenty of time to make mistakes. Take the leap of faith. Failing and being a failure aren't the same. You learn, you grow from it. It's okey to doubt yourself, but please, don't ever doubt all the love and support you get."

I paused, hoping I didn't do too far and missed my point. But in a way, I could also feel I got it right. He was looking at the Circo, his eyes even more sparkling than before.

"I..." He got up, standing on the bench, looking as tall as a statue from my perspective. He came down and took a few steps. I got on my feet, starting to feel concerned about what I just said.

"I didn't know I needed to hear that." He finally confided. "I always wanna reach perfection. I'm aware I can be authoritative, sometimes even harsh, on the band. I can't accept to be a failure. But love and support, that, I can't get enough of."

I didn't respond. There was nothing to add. This instant felt like an hour. The wind was slightly blowing through the length of the Circo in front of us. His hair reflected the gentle light of the moon, only showing her first quarter. He broke the tranquility of the moment, turning and taking a few steps in my direction.

"Grazie mille" he said, his arms opened, calling for a hug.

"But, you're very welcome" I said approaching him, softly putting my arms on his back as he put his over my shoulders. The second before his face disappeared from my vision, i noticed a tear on his cheek.

"You've completed reset my mind. I feel like I can start all over again. I was anguished, trapped by my anxiety. But it's all gone now. You've changed me. Thank you, thank you so much" He affirmed full of hope, his voice shivering.

"Wow, well. I had no idea I could change someone's life." I answered, trying to hide how moved I myself was from the conversation.

------

It was almost midnight now. We kept talking for a while, comparing life in Rome and Paris, exchanging what was our best concert experiences. But he still needed to get back home to rest before the concert, and I didn't want to arrive too late at my airbnb - even if I could have spent the whole night talking with him. Yet, to enjoy our last few minutes together, he offered to walk me back to where I was staying. It was just a 15 minutes walk, along the Tevere river bank.

"So tell me." he asked with a smirk. "How does the Bare Necessities go in French ?" He started to muffle the melody.

"Oh no, you don't expect me to actually sing it ?"

"Hehe, you got me into a therapy session, so I can get a little song from you, no ?"

"Damn, you. This is blackmail !" But drunk on the moment, I took a deep breath.

"Il en faut peeeeeeu pour être heureux, ("Look for the baaaaare necessities,") vraiment très peu pour être heureux, ("the simple bare necessities") il faut se satisfaire du nécessaire !" ("Forget about your worries and your strife")"

I started dancing along, if I had to be ridiculous, might as well utterly be. But he actually followed my lead, clicking his fingers.

"In fondo, baaaasta il minimo, ("I mean the baaaaare necessities") sapessi quanto è facile ("Old Mother Nature's recipes") Trovar quel po' che occorre per campar ! ("That brings the bare necessities of life !")

We kept on singing Disney songs for a few minutes as we walked at a slow pace - I was shocked he never saw Tarzan and immediately made him promise to watch it as i told him Phil Collins recorded all the songs in five languages, including Italian. When we finally reached my destination, we exchanged a last timid hug as farewell.

"Well, I'll see you on stage tomorrow." I told him as I crossed the street.

"And I'll look for you in the crowd !" He shouted with the brightest smile on his perfect face.

** the end **