#and I’ll keep writing Boba stories to fill the void

[acatalystrising]

I NEED more Boba content. I really do. And I genuinely hope we get more. Obviously I’ll just have to write more to fill the void (and I will) but, but…

I’m just saying…

✨THRAWN✨

[paapi-chirayu]

a letter to my broken friendship and my former friend

hey, it’s me again.

I wanted to talk to you last night, but I couldn’t. I don’t know what it was about, vaccines or art or university or something. I tried again, then again, then again. I didn’t know what was wrong. and then-

[This user has you blocked.]

we spoke less than a month ago. I asked how you were doing, if you were busy again with college. I told you about my fears for art school, about how I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I asked if we could speak to each other more; you told me you didn’t mind.

what happened in that month? what changed our relationship? how did the distance between us grow so big? was it me? was it you? did I make the same mistakes I always make, did I not learn from my past? did you grow tired and move on from me? from us?

...was there ever an “us” to begin with? or was I the only one who felt that way?

we met in june or july of 2018, I think. it was a group for creators, for artists and writers and people I can’t think of anymore. I thought you were the coolest person in the world; to me, you were someone to look up to. we bonded over character analyses and edits and stupid memes about games. we joked about planning a trip to japan together. we talked about school plans and procrastinating on work together and ideas about art. we rambled on about the most random things for hours together on a voice call.

I don’t know when we started pulling away from each other. was it when we moved on from the games we both played? you listened to my eager ramblings about story ideas. was it when we became too busy to talk to each other? was it all the times when I regressed and you forgave me, kept forgiving me, until you couldn’t anymore? what did I do that finally pushed you over the edge?

what did I do that convinced you to throw away a friendship of three years?

I want to ask you but I can’t anymore. I’m too scared. I’m afraid of letting go, I’m afraid of forgetting you and remembering you all at once. I’m afraid of finding someone who reminds me of you and becoming friends with them and making the same stupid fucking mistakes again. I’m afraid of both changing and not changing because this is all I know. I’m afraid of moving on with my life.

how do I move on? how can I move on? how do I look at peach boba without thinking of the promise I made to buy you some? how do I listen to the songs that you sent to me? how do I look at memes, at art, at writing, at anything, without excitedly wanting to share them with you? how do I listen to your name again without the stinging ache of what did I do wrong how can I fix this can you ever forgive me? how do I live knowing I hurt you?

is it possible that I can just pick up the broken pieces of our bond and carry them with me like I do for everyone else? just gather it all up together and keep them in a box in my heart, so that nobody can look at the past I shared with you? can I hide my hands and wrap myself in the words of your encouragement and advice and cameraderie and pretend everything is okay? I can’t do that. I can’t go back to when we still talked to each other every single day. I can’t pretend nothing was there because there’s this empty void in my heart and my life that you filled with your dry humor and witty one-liners.

I wish I could turn back the time, and go back to when I didn’t hurt you. I wish I could teach my younger self everything I know now. I wish I could make it so that we never met. I wish I could just erase all my memories of something I thought would last forever. I wish I could start over with you.

I had so much love for you; I still do. maybe too much, some would say. but I know that even if you don’t forgive me I’ll still think of you as a friend. maybe it’s because I can’t let go. or because I still think of you fondly. or because I don’t want to go back into a space where we don’t know each other, where we’re only strangers orbiting around each other in an empty chasm.

I want you to forgive me. I want to beg for you to come back one last time. I want to ask how I can change so that we’ll be friends again. I won’t do that.

I want you to be happy. if that means we don’t see each other again, I think I can live with that. I hope it’ll give you some peace of mind.

I wish you all the best. take care of yourself, okay?

love,

T