#and I was always convinced that there was this nebulous Awful Consequence that would happen if I wasn't perfect
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pmdd has you crying in bed like "and the fact that I cry for like three days every month is another reason why no one will ever love me!!!"
patently ridiculous illness
#pmdd#I had a serious problem with emotional regulation when I was a child#probably because of poorly understood neurodivergence#but I cried about EVERYTHING all the time forever#I felt like literally anything that happened was the worst thing in the entire world#I was a small nervous dog all the time#and I was always convinced that there was this nebulous Awful Consequence that would happen if I wasn't perfect#so like I would lose at a game? cry. favorite movie wasn't on? cry. made a mistake on a test? cry. rules of a game changed? cry. and so on#I wanted to be a good child SO badly#the only time I was ever sent to the principal ever was because I was crying too much and it was disrupting my kindergarten class#and you can... probably guess how I reacted to that#anyway whenever I get these PMDD crying jags now it reminds me of this time when I was little#I came home SOBBING#and my parents were like oh no honey what happened#and I said I was crying because the kids were making fun of me for crying too much :')#it's that same circular logic#sobbing because I have the disease that makes you hate yourself and sob#and then hating myself more because of the sobbing#it's genuinely so fucking dumb#and there is that part of me that's like 'girl just go make a sandwich and calm down'#but you can't really rationalize yourself out of it huh
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