#and I needed somewhere to put these poems and relate them to something lol

[bri1234]

Poems that remind me of TCH pt. 1 💜

Something I love about TCH is how poetic both Kieran and MC can be. So in an attempt to cure my depression from the series ending, I’ve decided to find some poems that remind me of them.

The poems you see above, in my opinion, sound like something Kieran would say to MC (or maybe I’m just delulu lol).

[lingthusiasm]

Transcript Episode 49: How translators approach a text

This is a transcript for Lingthusiasm Episode 49: How translators approach a text. It’s been lightly edited for readability. Listen to the episode here or wherever you get your podcasts. Links to studies mentioned and further reading can be found on the Episode 49 show notes page.

[Music]

Lauren: Welcome to Lingthusiasm, a podcast that’s enthusiastic about linguistics! I’m Lauren Gawne.

Gretchen: I’m Gretchen McCulloch. Today, we’re getting enthusiastic about the relationship of the translator and the text. But first, we’re heading into Lingthusiasm anniversary month! This is our fourth anniversary of doing Lingthusiasm, and we’re really excited that we’re still doing this four years later.

Lauren: We love a bit of reflection and nostalgia. The month of November is always an opportunity to be grateful that we have another year of Lingthusiasm. We have a whole 12 great main episodes. We have 12 more bonus episodes. As with every year, if you want to share a link to your favourite episode, November is an especially nice time to do it.

Gretchen: There are still people in this world who don’t know that they could be listening to a fun podcast about linguistics that makes them feel like they’re at a linguistics party instead of doing the dishes. You could help people find them. Most people still find podcasts through word of mouth. Every year we’ve done this in November, we see a big spike in people listening to the show and finding the show. If you wanna share on social media, we are very happy to thank you if you tag us in things.

Lauren: If you want to share off social media, please accept our deepest gratitude non-publicly for sharing shows as well.

Gretchen: Or, if you share Lingthusiasm privately and you still wanna be thanked, feel free to tell us about it on social media. We will still give you a little heart thank you comment. Yes, thank you already for all of the support that you’ve given the show over the years.

Lauren: If you like things additional to podcasts, because we are coming up to the holiday season, it’s also a good time to think about some Lingthusiasm merch or a copy of Because Internet. It’s a pretty great book. I like it. It’s available in paperback now. These things make great gifts.

Gretchen: We now also have annual memberships on Patreon. That could make a great gift to gift somebody to listen to more Lingthusiasm episodes as well as access to the Discord for an online linguistics community.

Lauren: Our most recent bonus episode was about honorifics as a way of being polite to someone either through the title you choose or a variety of linguistic strategies.

Gretchen: You get access to the honorifics bonus as well as 43 other bonus episodes and new bonus episodes every month by going to patreon.com/lingthusiasm.

[Music]

Gretchen: So, Lauren, I’m gonna talk to you about Beowulf.

Lauren: I know this because you have been messaging me for weeks about how we have to talk about Beowulf.

Gretchen: There’s a new translation of Beowulf. I’m really excited. This made me want to build an entire episode around the translator’s relationship to the text because this new translation of Beowulf does a really cool job of it, and I wanna talk about it.

Lauren: I don’t think you’ve been this excited about a translated text since Emily Wilson translated The Odyssey. I’m pretty sure that’s what motivated our 18th episode on word translation.

Gretchen: You are not wrong about this. I think there’s a similar excitement that I have which is old texts – texts that are a thousand-plus years old that have been translated so many different times by so many different people – it feels like it’s hard for someone to do something new with a translation of them. And yet, here people are doing that, which is exciting to me. This is the new translation of Beowulf by Maria Dahvana Headley. She’s done some really cool things with translating Beowulf as a feminist text. It’s a text that uses very modern style language in this thousand-year-old epic poem of Old English literature.

Lauren: I feel like when it comes to translating, before you even translate one single word, there’s all these decisions that a translator has to make. In Episode 18, we looked at translation, but we looked at word-to-word translation. And that’s definitely one part of a translator’s job, but they have so many more decisions to make. It is such an impressive job, and it’s why it’s as much an art form as it is a technical skill to translate something well. So, what are some of the big decisions that Headley made before even starting to translate Beowulf?

Gretchen: One of the things about Beowulf is, as an oral poem, it has this intricate rhyme scheme. The Old English rhyme scheme is based on half lines. Each line has two halves and there needs to be an alliterative bit in one half that is repeated in the second half.

Lauren: So, Old English is way more interested in alliteration compared to our modern English obsession with rhyming. That’s one of the stylistic features you find in Old English.

Gretchen: It’s all about the beginning of the words rather than the ends. Trying to figure out, okay, how much am I gonna use alliteration? How much am I gonna try to represent – because we can do alliteration in modern English – how much am I gonna try to represent the existing rhyme scheme? Where am I gonna try to put it in actual rhymes like you would do in modern English – if you’re writing a poem, you might rhyme it? What am I gonna do with the metre? She’s produced this really oral text that uses a certain amount of modern slang as well in ways that are really effective. One example is there’s a dragon in Beowulf, and the dragon at one point is described as “Putting the world on blast.”

Lauren: Nice.

Gretchen: To some extent, this is modern slang, but it’s also a very literal thing that a dragon can do. It’s not using modern slang for gratuitous – like, there’s no “lols” or “omgs” in this text. It’s not like here’s this facile text-speak version of Beowulf. It’s what are the bits here that actually work with the metre and the rhyme scheme but also not shying away from using a modern idiom where a modern idiom really works.

Lauren: It’s interesting to put this in contrast to the other most famous version of Beowulf in translation that I know of which is Seamus Heaney’s from somewhere in the middle of the 20th Century where I feel like he tried to capture the mythical grandeur of Old English and chose very stoic, solid sounding Old English words. I don’t think he would’ve had the dragon “putting the world on blast.”

Gretchen: Well, I don’t think he would’ve – I think it came out in 1999, this translation. In some ways his translation is fairly vernacular, but he tries to do that in a different sense. Can I read you the first bit of the Headley translation and the Heaney translation?

Lauren: Yeah. This is super fun.

Gretchen: Okay. A big thing about Beowulf translations is the first word which in Old English is “Hwaet.” That has gotten repurposed as a meme, which we’re not gonna get into much detail about. Some people translate that as like, “Lo!” or “Hark!” or “Listen!” or something like this. Heaney translates that as “So,” which has already got a certain level of vernacularity to it. His first three lines go, “So, the Spear-Danes in days gone by and the kings who ruled them had courage and greatness. We have heard of those princes’ heroic campaigns.” This is very stately and like, “Here’s this thing you’re gonna do.” If you compare that with the first three lines of the Headley translation, the new one, she translates this “Hwaet” as “Bro.”

Lauren: Hm, that’s a very different tone.

Gretchen: It’s a very modern tone. I mean, you could pick a whole bunch of very modern things like “Yo” or “Hey all,” but specifically the reason she picks “Bro” is because she wants to highlight the bro culture-ness of this entire story. You can see that in the next couple lines which is, “Bro, tell me we still know how to speak of kings. In the old days, everyone knew what men were – brave, bold, glory bound. Only stories now, but all sound the Spear-Dane song, hoarded for hungry times.” It just leaps off the page in a way that really excites me.

Lauren: Yeah, no “princes” there.

Gretchen: Right. “Kings who ruled had courage and greatness” – “The men were bold.”

Lauren: The thing I always love about Beowulf is that it’s a millennium-old oral poem that happened to be written down, and a millennium ago people were like, “Let me tell you about the olden days.” [Laughter]

Gretchen: Right, it still takes place in this semi-mythic space, and it uses a certain stylised language that we even think was stylised at the time. You’re always picking between some kind of stylisation. There’s no neutral choice that exists. All of the choices are recreations at some level.

Lauren: I mean, it is kind of weird to think you’re translating from English into English, but it just shows how much the language has moved on because reading Beowulf if you don’t know Old English is an incredibly uncomfortable attempt to just guess some words that have retained some familiarity. I always find it interesting that you have to translate. And then because English went through enough changes by Shakespeare, we kind of put up with all of the features of Shakespeare that aren’t immediately obvious to us.

Gretchen: Right. But Beowulf is really this alien text. Like, “Hwaet. We Gardena” – and “Gardena” is “Spear-Danes,” but we don’t have “Spear-Danes,” and “Gardena” is not obviously related to those. There’s this great miniseries from The History of English Podcast that does a very in-depth line-by-line reading of Beowulf which I enjoyed a while back.

Lauren: My one semantic anecdote from that series is “Gar-Danes” as in “Spear-Danes” – garlic is the “spear-leek.”

Gretchen: Yes, it is!

Lauren: Because it’s like a little spear.

Gretchen: It’s like a little spear-leek. I love that anecdote. It’s interesting to be reading Beowulf at the same time that my book club is actually reading The Tale of Genji.

Lauren: Ah, from like a similar – Genji’s also a millennium old, yeah?

Gretchen: Yeah! In some sense it’s like Beowulf and Genji are kind of contemporaries.

Lauren: But they’re very much not contemporaries. Beowulf is about warrior bro culture in the Old English setting, whereas Genji is a Japanese court drama.

Gretchen: I don’t think they would’ve gotten along. I think they would’ve just found each other completely incomprehensible. Genji’s also one of those classic texts that’s been translated a whole bunch of different times in a whole bunch of different ways. For one thing, you’re translating from a much older version of Japanese. There are modern Japanese translations of The Tale of Genji as well. And then you’re also translating into a different cultural context. But the cultural context for Beowulf is also very weird. Like, I don’t do going and fighting monsters under lakes any more than I do writing haikus about the moon. In fact, I’m probably more likely to write a haiku about the moon than I am to go fight a monster under a lake if we wanna talk about relatability.

Lauren: Everything I know about Genji is because one of my colleagues in the Languages Department at La Trobe is a Genji studies scholar. It’s one of those pieces of work that is so big and so canonical that it has its own literary studies tradition associated with it. I also really love my colleague because the other part of her expertise is cosplay studies. I think it’s such a great combination of Japanese cultural experience there – Genji and cosplay.

Gretchen: I mean, what more do you want? The neat thing about reading Tale of Genji at the moment is because I’m reading it as part of a book club through Argo Bookshop – which is a bookstore that did the book launch party for Because Internet and I really like them – they’re having this Tale of Genji book club, and we’ve been reading it throughout the year a few chapters at a time because it’s over 1,000 pages. It’s huge. So, we’ve been reading it section by section, and different members of the book club have picked different translations into English of the same work.

Lauren: Ah, cool! Are there radical differences between the translations? Or do they all try and go for a literal approach?

Gretchen: They’re really different. One of the big things with Genji is at the time in 11th Century Japan it was considered very rude in the court to refer to people by their actual names. None of the characters in the original Tale of Genji manuscript have names, except for maybe Genji. So, you can imagine reading a thousand-page book where none of the characters have names is a bit of a feat of the imagination.

Lauren: Yes.

Gretchen: Different translations – and a lot of them have conventional names that literary scholars have used to talk about the characters. For example, Lady Fujitsubo lives in the Fujitsubo, which is the western pavilion, and so she gets called in the tradition “Fujitsubo” because that’s where she lives, and this kind of stuff. Or Murasaki gets called that after a flower, I think, the character. In some translations, they just use these conventional use names as if they’re the actual names of the characters. In some translations, they just use descriptions like the original text did, and they don’t really refer to characters by even pretend names or use names.

Lauren: So, one of them is trying to strive for cultural authenticity, and the other one is trying to just help the poor confused reader a little bit more, and that’s choices that each translator has decided to make.

Gretchen: Exactly. You also have other types of decisions like, “Are you going to try to” – because it’s a court drama, you have all these court positions. Are you going try to map those positions onto a western court so that people understand what a chancellor is? Or are you going to try to use those as a more direct translation of what the specific terms were at the time? That’s just different decisions that different translations can use.

Lauren: When you meet as a book club, is everyone following along, or is there a lot of clarifying across translations? Such an interesting little exercise.

Gretchen: Well, the nice thing is, is the division into different chapters is very constant, so we can be like, “Okay, we’re reading Chapters 6 to 10 now. We’re gonna talk about what happens in those.” But sometimes you do pull something up, and you’re like, “Okay, so this bit where this thing was said, do we think Genji is kinda misogynistic here?” And somebody will say, “Well, in my translation, it doesn’t actually seem like he’s misogynistic.” And here’s what’s going on in this particular translation versus that particular translation. And how much of it is the translator bringing their own preconceived notions of how people relate to each other? Because some of these translations are from the 1920s or something. People may have had different politics there. And how much of that is in the original text which was composed by a woman who we don’t know that much about? But it’s the first modern novel. It’s an interesting like, “How much are you going to try to westernise this book for a western audience?” Which some of the older translations do a bit more with the westernisation adaptation because people in the west hadn’t heard of Genji very much before. You do all this adaptation for your English-speaking readers. Whereas, more recent translators, people tend to have a higher degree of expectations of fidelity when it comes to a more modern translation. Sometimes they try to do that. And, you know, how many footnotes do you have? How much do you try to explain additionally? How much do you try to just make the text stand on its own as a story?

Lauren: So many choices to make as a translator. I’m eternally grateful to people who do this and make it appear so effortless while doing so much work bringing all of this context together.

Gretchen: It’s really neat. I’m not gonna read this 1,000-page book five different times in five different translations, but being able to experience portions of those translations vicariously through other people talking about, “Oh, here’s what happened in this one, here’s what happened in this one,” it does let you do this interesting comparative textual study.

Lauren: I’ve been thinking about translation in practice a lot lately because having worked with P. M. Freestone on their Shadowscent books, “The Darkets Bloom” and “Crown of Smoke,” these books have gone into translation in a whole bunch of languages, mostly European languages to date – Spanish, German, French, Russian, and Polish. I’m very excited about the upcoming Hungarian translation which will the first outside of the Indo-European language. But these translations involve a couple of things that are really interesting in that, in these books, I worked on creating the Aramteskan language, and for this language to work across different languages, sometimes it gets technically transliterated, or you need to add a different type of plural. For example, Russian has a different alphabet to English and so you need to fit this language into the Russian Cyrillic alphabet.

Gretchen: You’re not trying to pretend that Aramteskan is always written with the Latin alphabet. Even when the book itself is in Russian, you’re like, we’re gonna transliterate it into Cyrillic?

Lauren: No, translators have very much done what they think is most appropriate. I have a habit of buying these translations now and checking out what they’ve done because they’re not just translating from English into another language, they also have to translate this completely fictional language and this fictional world into that language as well. It’s one thing to maybe study in-depth Old English warrior culture or Japanese court culture and decide what to bring across, but with a fantasy world, there’s all kinds of choices you have to make as a translator as well.

Gretchen: Yeah, like what are you gonna do with the magic system? Or if you’ve invented all of these words for different scents or something, then they have to figure out some sort of equivalent of inventing those words for the other language.

Lauren: There’s a lot of scent vocabulary even in the English that P. M. Freestone has written in, so really taxing that part of the translator’s repertoire. One thing that’s been particularly interesting and that there’s been some discussion on how to manage is that in this world, both in the historical part of the world and the contemporary part of the world, the culture and the grammar allow for gender neutral third person like the English modern use of “they,” which Kirby Conrod gave a great interview about how that works in contemporary English. In fact, I did a little historical evolution of the pronoun system that fits with the story of the world where originally there was no gender distinction in the pronoun system, which fits with the old religious system of the world. And the religious system evolved younger gods that are all gendered, and the pronoun system evolved genders at the same time while still having that scope for gender neutral. Without spoiling too much, but a character that pops up in Book One and is much more a part of Book Two is gender fluid within the world. That works for current English because we have gender neutral singular they, but there are some languages like Czech or like Russian that the book’s being translated into where there isn’t that flexibility in the linguistic system. So, decisions have to be made about how that is negotiated in the translation.

Gretchen: Do you know what they did?

Lauren: I don’t know what they did for Russian yet, but I believe the solution in Czech is at various times this character is overtly identified using masculine and at other times using feminine – being much more flexible about the duality of their relationship with gender.

Gretchen: This reminds me of a thing that I heard Ada Palmer talk about at a conference panel with her book “Too Like the Lightning” and the sequels, which are set in this far future of English – well, far future and they’re written in English – in which singular they is used for everybody except when you’re writing in this faux-archaic style with “thous” and “thees” and “hes” and “shes.” It’s very marked at that point. Ada Palmer was talking about how this was translated into French where in modern English the progressive thing that people do is like, “Oh, we can use singular they. That’s very progressive.” In modern French, the progressive thing that people do is they make feminine versions of all of the professions.

Lauren: Right.

Gretchen: You have feminine versions of “professor” or “doctor” or these kinds of things to try and make the gender more visible. And so erase the gender in the French version wouldn’t have the same effect – where you’d end up using the default masculine or something in the French version – it wouldn’t have the same effect as using singular they all the time in the English version. There are modern French pronouns like “iel” that have been coined to solve this problem of using a gender neutral third person pronoun, but it wouldn’t work to use them in this particular case because the style is supposed to be faux-archaic. What the translator ended up doing was digging out this French pronoun “on,” which in the modern form “on” is used like “we” or like “one does this.” It’s related to like, “One does this.” There’s an older usage of “on” which is like a non-specific third person pronoun as well that – I speak French, but I didn’t know about this archaic form. And the translator went and looked for what other historic pronoun things could I do and ended up doing with “on” thing, which is a really interesting adaptation.

Lauren: The thing I find interesting is if you were – 50 years ago, you didn’t have the grammatical resources in English to use singular they for a specific person. It’s something that’s really only emerged in the last couple of decades. I think the translator has felt frustrated to not have – you know, you sometimes feel like you’ve got this road block because you don’t have resources in one language that you have in another and you have to innovate. I did have a colleague in Italian studies tell me that they read a whole novel once where the gender of one of the characters was deliberately written around and avoided in a way that was an incredibly artful, thoughtful translation. It is possible that you could maybe do this with this character in the Shadowscent books, but it would be such –

Gretchen: But you couldn’t do it with the whole world in the Terra Ignota books because all of the characters would have to have that.

Lauren: Yeah. And you could do that amount of heavy lifting at the cost of some other things, but when you’re doing an efficient translation for a commercial novel, you don’t have the resources to really max out your art and strategy in that way. It’s interesting that, you know, translation is a really resource-intensive activity even to just do a good translation, let alone an incredibly strategic and thoughtful translation.

Gretchen: Even translating one word, like that word at the beginning of Beowulf, involves thinking about, “Okay, what kind of relationship do I want this word to have to the rest of the text? What am I trying to set up here in relationship to the whole text? Where do I see this attention-getting word as going?” Like, what the text as a whole is doing, which is this interesting question. I should say, speaking of translation news, this is very hot off the presses, but I have received news that there are gonna be translations of Because Internet into Persian, Chinese, and Japanese. So, all – well, Persian is an Indo-European language, but it has a different writing system, and then two non-Indo-European languages. I don’t know anything else about the details yet.

Lauren: This is news that I didn’t even know. This is very exciting.

Gretchen: It’s very recent, yes. It’s not – I dunno. I will have official links when they exist. They won’t exist for, I dunno, probably a couple years. I dunno how long it’ll take them to do. I know nothing.

Gretchen: The surreal thing about translation means that you will see you work and not be able to read it. There’s something so amazing and magical about that, that words you have created are finding new audiences – you know, there’s a lot of trust in the translator in those contexts.

Gretchen: Yeah, and I don’t know if I’m gonna get to have any say in who they get to translate it and how much they know about the internet or things like that.

Lauren: Translating non-fiction is an entirely different process because you’re not translating an internal narrative world as much as you are potentially translating something that explains how this world that we live in right now exists, or how a set of historical realities existed. That also takes deftness and skill.

Gretchen: And you’re potentially trying to translate technical vocabulary between one language or another, which isn’t necessarily the same as, “Okay, we need to keep the characters’ names consistent. It’s like, “We need to use this word that has a technical meaning in its technical sense.” Speaking of non-fiction translation, I dunno if you’ve been following in translation news relatively recently, there’s been a lot of things going on with the Scots language Wikipedia.

Lauren: Yes, I did read about this. So, Scots language is a language in the same family as English. It has a lot of similarities with English but is considered its own “variety,” using that very deliberate linguist term where you don’t commit to just how much it’s a dialect or its mutual intelligibility with other varieties that its related to. And it has its own Wikipedia.

Gretchen: Scots is kind of like, as an English speaker, I’ve always been kind of jealous of people who speak Dutch or German or something because they can kind of understand each other a bit. Or Spanish and Portuguese and Italian because they can kind of approximate understanding each other to some extent even if they haven’t formally learned the languages. I’ve always been like, “Why doesn’t English have some closer neighbours?” But I hadn’t been thinking about Scots when I was thinking that. Scots is probably English’s closest neighbour but is still a distinct language and, especially, there are grammatical differences and there are a lot of political reasons as well why people consider it its own language. However, [laughs] the Scots language Wikipedia, which has all of these articles written in Scots, had apparently been being edited for the last seven years by an American teenager who didn’t know any Scots and was just looking up the English articles in a Scots-English dictionary word-by-word and just picking the first word of the translation and subbing that in for the Scots word.

Lauren: This has been such a difficult story to read because everyone throughout this process has acted in the best faith. This teenager wasn’t doing this for any reason other than a passion for sharing knowledge on Wikipedia and a passion for seeing the Scots Wikipedia grow but with a really uncritical approach to translation. You can see where translation really does require this understanding of vocabulary choice and style choice and how it can all go really, really wrong.

Gretchen: Yeah, it’s really painful because this person started when they were, like, 12, and we have all believed very foolish things about the world when we were 12. It’s just many of us didn’t write thousands of Wikipedia articles in a language that is just really not the way anybody who actually speaks this language actually writes because it’s cobbled together badly from a dictionary. It’s this very painful, “Oh, no! You thought you were helping.” And yet Wikipedia is used as the basis of a lot of machine translation, and language detection, various natural language processing tools, and so this has been potentially sabotaging the efforts to try to create other machine tools in Scots because they’ve all been in this weird dictionary-a-fied version of English.

Lauren: It’s been really heartening to see the Scots language community and the Scottish Wikipedia community come together to figure out a strategy for how to approach cleaning house – I guess it’s the biggest spring clean ever, right – how to approach this, like, thousands and thousands of articles with this very strange approach to translation.

Gretchen: It illuminates one of the issues with smaller language Wikipedias in general which is that they may only have a few active editors because to be a Wikipedia editor is to be a volunteer. It takes a long time to translate things or to write articles. If you’re a language like English, you can have tens of thousands of editors. But if you’re a language like Scots which has many fewer speakers, you may only have a dozen active editors of which maybe one of them is a well-meaning but very clueless American teenager.

Lauren: We’ve both done lots of Wikipedia editing. We have run LingWiki events to improve linguistics content on Wikipedia. It’s challenging enough to write these articles in one language that I am proficient in. I’m always in awe of people who choose to translate and support content in their second or third languages because it is a non-trivial task to translate really complicated information in a way that is really clear.

Gretchen: Translation is a technical task that is one of those things that looks at all of the different levels of language where you have some things at the individual word, or even sound, or if you’re trying to translate poetry and you wanna make it beautiful in a very aesthetic sense with the physical properties of language, all the way up to words and sentences and structure and these discourse-y particles like “Hwaet” at the beginning where you’re trying to picture a whole framing device for the structure of an entire tone of a narrative. Or if you’re trying to pick, “Okay, how are we going to treat technical vocabulary that maybe has been borrowed from English?” because its scientific vocabulary that was invented from English, how are you gonna treat that when it gets borrowed into Scots? Trying to figure out how to make these technical decisions is non-trivial. It’s this very interesting train wreck. It can go spectacularly right when you have this very clever decision for a dragon to put the world on blast, and it can also go spectacularly wrong when you just say, “Okay, I’m gonna look through a dictionary and then pick the first word I encounter.”

Lauren: One of the great things about appreciating a good translation is that language never takes a break. Culture continues to change, and we move further away from the era of Beowulf. We move into new cultural settings and new cultural expectations. It means that there is space for new translations that bring new approaches, or try something different, or aim for really capturing something about the language of the era it was created in, or set an old story in a radically new setting. Even when you find a really satisfying translation, you know there’s still possibilities for finding other interesting ways to engage with the text.

Gretchen: I think that’s a thing that’s exciting about both the translations of these thousand-year-old texts, whether Beowulf or Tale of Genji, where they go through lots of different authors who put their own spin on the translation. And also thinking of Wikipedia as a place for translation where you have multiple authors working together on the same shared text, and a bunch of different people – like Scots Wikipedia has been having these Wikipedia edit-a-thons to try to clean the place up. You have a whole bunch of contributors that are finding out about this need because of this story and coming in and working on the text together and contributing to the shared text. In many ways, even though each of these editions of the translations are published as their own book for book-length ones, it’s this very intimate relationship that you can have with a text when you’re trying to render it in a different language or in a different textual interpretation.

[Music]

Gretchen: For more Lingthusiasm and links to all the things mentioned in this episode, go to lingthusiasm.com. You can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, SoundCloud, YouTube, or wherever else you get your podcasts. You can follow @Lingthusiasm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. You can get IPA scarves, IPA ties, and other Lingthusiasm merch at lingthusiasm.com/merch. I can be found as @GretchenAMcC on Twitter, my blog is AllThingsLinguistic.com, and my book about internet language is called Because Internet.

Lauren: I tweet and blog as Superlinguo. Have you listened to all the Lingthusiasm episodes and you wish there were more? You can access to 44 bonus episodes right now to listen to at patreon.com/lingthusiasm or follow the links from our website. Patron also get access to our Discord chatroom to talk with other linguistics fans and other rewards as well as helping to keep the show ad-free. Recent bonus topics include pangrams, honorifics, and linguistics with kids. If you can’t afford to pledge, that’s okay, too. We really appreciate it if you can recommend Lingthusiasm to anyone who needs a little more linguistics in their life, especially as it’s the anniversary month.

Gretchen: Lingthusiasm is created and produced by Gretchen McCulloch and Lauren Gawne. Our senior producer is Claire Gawne, our editorial producer is Sarah Dopierala, and our music is “Ancient City” by The Triangles.

Lauren: Stay lingthusiastic!

[Music]

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.

[viviskull]

Rules tag 10 followers you want to get to know better!

Tagged by: @bluescarfvivi​

Tagging: This is out to the people who are fans of my work but are silent most of the time on my content! I SEE YOU!!

Name: Phoenix (I also go by Lina, but thats for my close friends. You can go nuts with it, but I might not always respond to it at first tho lol)

Star Sign: Gemini

Height: 5′ 3″ 

Middle name?: Grace

Put your itunes/spotify/youtube on shuffle. What are the first 6 songs that popped up?

1. Firage - The Grim Reaper Blows the Horn

2. Electric Swing Circus - Everybody Wants To Be A Cat - Electro Swing

 3. Electric Swing Circus - Bella Belle - Electro Swing 

 4. Never Sleep Again (Dark Rooms vs. Mystery Skulls)

 5. Shoot Him Down

 6. Everybody Talks

Grab one book nearest to you and turn to page 23. what’s line 17?:

"He would happily take a stomach bug or a bad cold over how bad he felt.”

Ever had a poem or song written about you: Closest I got is some random birthday rock song from the early 2000s that involved my birth name a bunch of times.  I remember listening to nothing but that song for four straight months, and I distinctly remember breaking my Disc player with how many times I played it.  I don’t know if it was a common where everyone else lived, but back then there was a time where a bunch of CDs made involving that same song (but with different names added in, if I remember correctly) and I vaguely remember going to a store buying one of those things back then with my parents.

When was the last time you played air guitar: Never played it

Who is your celebrity crush?: Unless ya count Jessica Rabbit? Ya won’t catch me simping over an IRL celebrity.  They all suck anyway lmao.

What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?: Whistling at high pitches just hurts my ears (people joke I have the ears of a dog with how much I can hear someone talk through a wall).  For a sound I like, I like when I tap my fingers on my desk.

Do you believe in ghosts?: Sure.  My house makes weird sounds all the time and I think the ghosts that live in it are just my weird roommates at this point.

How about aliens: Hey, if we exist?  There might be a chance we got brothers out there, somewhere.

Do you drive?: I’m still working up the courage to drive on a highway, but I’m getting there!

If so have you ever crashed: Not yet, and I’ll try to keep it that way.

What was the last book you read?: I’m still working on getting my last FNAF book over and done with. 

Do you like the smell of gasoline: It’s not pleasent, but I don’t hate it either.

What was the last movie you saw?: Coco

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?: When I was really young, my dumbass though that using a knife in the place of scissors (I couldn’t find them apparently) to help open some sandwich packet would be a good idea.  When you take this in and add with having poor motor skills (at the time).. ya boy managed to cut open a deep gash in their left thumb.  I did have to go to the ER for it to be glued shut (there was no need for sewing luckily) and had to wear a thumb cast for a straight month.  It was not fun to deal with, let me tell you.

Do you have any obsessions right now?: Idk man.. *is currently holding MSA tightly in my clutches* .. I got some hobbies here and there.  But fr tho, I love MSA with a deep passion.  If you ever need something on MSA or are rather new to it?  I’m always usually the first to hear anything related to the MSA verse and its video updates.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #342

“in this farewell, there’s no blood, there’s no alibi  /  ‘cuz i’ve drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies”

What’s your all-time favourite cartoon? Does anime count? In which case I'd say Fullmetal Alchemist, or the original Pokemon. If we're not including anime, then uhhhh Avatar: The Last Airbender, even though I have much more to go in the series. Have you ever taken dance lessons? What kind? Yeah, I've done a few for many years: jazz, clogging, modern, and hip hop. When did you last run and why? I literally couldn't tell you. I don't even know if I can run with the current state of my legs. My knees would probably crumple. Does your house/flat/whatever the hell you live in need cleaning? Not necessarily cleaning, but sorting. I still have boxes outside and inside my room of my stuff I need to put up somewhere... but whenever I prepare to do it, I just get so overwhelmed and shy away from it. Then there's the spare room, that's a total mess loaded with boxes and the like. Mom and I have just avoided it like the plague. Was your last relationship with a man or a woman? Woman. What do you think your next achievement will be? HOPEFULLY getting a job... Do you like mushrooms? NOOOOOOO. What dream do you remember most vividly? I'm not talking about it. Favorite kind of bread? Pumpernickel. Rabbits or hamsters? Rabbits. I've never met a nice hamster, and I just think rabbits are cuter. A movie you’ve never seen that it seems like every one else has? Harry Potter films. Favorite dog breed? I'm biased towards beagles. When was the last time you climbed a tree? Never, actually. Where I live, there aren't really many weighty trees with low branches. Just pine trees. Most common lie you tell? That I'm "fine" when I'm not. Ever seen your parents make out? Jc no, I'll take a hard pass there. Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek dermals at all, but you do you 100%. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes; I was raised Roman Catholic. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Mom used to for many years until I became an adult and she just realized it was in vain. I haven't lived with Dad since I was a teenager, but when my parents were together, he usually didn't say anything. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, thankfully. I'd stop talking to the person immediately. What would you do if your parent hit you? I honestly feel like I'd slap them back and get the fuck out. Or just freeze in shock and cry. What's your most common mood? Stressed but distracted. Do you like poems? Yeah, usually. Ever kissed someone half-naked? Uh yeah. Have you ever been in a parade? No. Do you still play Pokémon? I play Pokemon GO, and I've actually been tempted to get out my DS and play one of the games I have (I can't remember which). I do find Pokemon games to be VERY grind-ey, though, so I can't play them for too long without getting bored. What is your favorite Pokémon? Ninetales. I also really love Espeon, though, and Charmander will always have my heart. Is there an animal you like that most people don't? Bats! :') Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it's liked? No animal is overrated. Have you ever "quit" a site and came back to it more than once? Uhhhh I don't think so. Do you have an "odd" fascination with anything? Most would probably consider "vulture culture" to be pretty weird, being drawn to dead animals and all... What's the hardest thing you've been through, & what did you learn from it? The breakup with Jason. I learned that some people make promises they aren't afraid to break, that someone can promise "forever" and not mean it, that the most unexpected can just snap their fingers and forget about you... I learned a lot. And most things, not positive. What are three "unrealistic" things you want most? 1.) To be able to financially support myself by just freelance nature photography; 2.) sooo many different kinds of pets; and 3.) to be totally rid of my mental illnesses. Do you take any daily vitamins? No, but I would if I was the one who bought groceries and stuff. I do however take Vitamin D once a week for my legs. Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? JUST THREE??????? FUCK MAN idk. Uhhh well there's of course Darkiplier and Wilford Warfstache, then uhhh probably Pyramid Head. If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Idk, I'd really need to be more educated on their lore before I made that decision. Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? I both do and don't want to resume learning German. I got very good at it and could have basic conversations, but lack of application has slaughtered my vocabulary. Now it's like, it'd be nice to try again, but for what purpose? I don't think I'll ever actually apply it to my life, so it just seems like it'd be a load of wasted effort. But then on the other hand, I also feel that doing something you simply want to do isn't a waste of time. Idk. What is one of your firmest beliefs? Equality for all. No race, religion, whatthefuckever makes you more or less valuable than someone else. Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you'd truly enjoy? Oh yes. Depression and anxiety, mostly. Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I definitely try, and I'll certainly admit to them. How do you hope the world will change, if at all? I just want more compassion, less violence, more understanding... What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? In short, I believe that something sentient created the universe, and it/they/he/she/what-have-you just... let life play out from there, I think. I like to believe there's a plane of consciousness like an afterlife that exists, but if not, I don't really care. I hope the evil get what was coming to them, and the good get back what they gave, but maybe we're all better off without life after death. We'll all find out one day. Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? Some, yes; others, not so much. This is very situational. Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Haha, you're asking an avid player. I enjoy it, but not as much as I used to. At one point I was a Heroic raider, sometimes dabbling in Mythic, but now I'm just mostly a casual mount collector that likes chatting with my guildies and just doing dailies 'n shit. I owe a lot to the game, honestly; it helped me stay occupied throughout the breakup, and still today gives me something to do. What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I have an Acer Nitro with Windows 10. Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I'm no longer in school. If you don't attend, are you taking any "lessons" for anything? No, but I would like to join a photography course somewhere. A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo just made me hate war more than I innately did. What genres of music are your favorite? Just metal as an umbrella term. Some heavy stuff, some less, some in the middle, some leaning towards other genres... but I just like metal. Do you think that fate plays a part in people's lives? No. Wouldn't "fate" just make it all... worthless? Like we're just storybook characters with a predetermined ending? What are your opinions on the media? One word: manipulative. What's a piece of technology you'd like to own? I REALLY want a PS4, especially lately. There's just a lot of games I REALLY want to play. Are you afraid of technology developing to where we're too reliant on it? We're already *too* reliant on it, which I do believe is a bad thing. I know, absolutely hysterical for me to be talking. What's your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I don't think I've ever had a truly odd ice cream flavor. There's this local place though that makes a kind that tastes JUST like s'mores, and I can fucking murder a cup of that. What's your opinion on stereotypes/labels? They're limiting and devalue uniqueness, imo. I know very, very few people who totally fit a certain stereotype, so why even bother. Like I don't care if you use them as adjectives to some extent, just don't put too much weight on them. Just be you. Do you believe that history repeats itself? It's not necessarily doomed to, but it happens sometimes, obviously. Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Depends on the mistake. What was the most interesting class you had in school? Probably Mythology in high school. Do you write? If so, what? Yeah, meerkat role-play. And every now and again, poetry. Do you have a favorite culture? No; I'm not educated on nearly enough to pick one. Do you believe in global warming? Have you researched it? Lol no shit I do. I don't exactly think it takes much research to see with your own two eyes that it's factual. Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? Tattoos, if I had to pick. What comedy movie is your favorite? White Chicks. Have you ever meditated? Yes. Doesn't work for me. What comes to mind when you think of a great moment in your life? Realizing it was my choice to liberate myself and my happiness from my ex. He didn't and never should've carried it, because that's my right. What do you like about springtime? Aaaaall the flowers. <3 How have you handled having to stay in? It's not really different from my average day, so... How would your friends describe you? Quiet and overthinks literally everything. Have you ever hallucinated? When I was coming off a certain med in middle school, I saw black moving shadows. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program I attended for two months following my suicide attempt. It's where I met my psychiatrist, who set my medication straight. Medicine besides though, I learned so many coping techniques and just how to deconstruct my trauma. As well as possible, anyway. What is the worst decision you ever made? Handing over the ability to make happiness for myself to another person. What is your favorite arcade game? Don't have one. Do you feel neglected? No. What school subject(s) are/were your best? English, Arts, Science. Are you allergic to pollen? Yep. What style of wedding dress do you like best? Probably ballgown. Are you over your first love? I probably never will be in complete totality. Do you always answer your phone? No. I only ever do if I recognize the number. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? Today is actually my sister's birthday. What song is currently stuck in your head? I have Halocene's cover of "What I've Done" on a loop right now. It has me absolutely covered in goosebumps. Do you ever use coloring books? Not really anymore. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? Not to my knowledge, no. What’s your favorite kind of salsa/dip to go with tortilla chips? Just your normal, mildly hot salsa. Do you wash your car by hand or drive through a car wash? Mom's car hasn't been washed in... well, years, given its bumper. Mom worries that in a car wash, it'll be broken off (it is literally held on with a lot of zip ties and duct tape), and we ourselves don't want to wash it, so... Do you have any uncommon kitchen appliances, such as espresso machines, waffle irons, etc? I know we have one or two, but idk what they're called. What did your parents major/minor in in college, if they went? Dad never went to college. Mom changed her major a few times, but her latest was social work, I believe. Has either of their careers influenced what career you chose or want to pursue? Not at all. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Why is your least favorite season your least favorite? Because it's hot as fuck and humid. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? I don't know. Hopefully I'll start one soon when I leave PHP and pursue a job... What room in your home do you spend the least amount of time in? I'm always in my room. Do you do anything to reduce the amount of electricity you use? I feel awful admitting I do quite the opposite... Being in the dark during the day affects my depression, so I'll have my lamp (or both) on even if it's just sort of shaded inside. Are you usually open to trying a new food that you aren’t familiar with? Eh, it depends on the food. I'm not very adventurous with foods though. Do you listen to Panic! At The Disco? I do. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? ... It wasn't "kinky," but it was a dream lmao. Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? That's how I ended the whole Joel childishness. Which friend do you confide in most? My mom. Do you wear a cross? No. What is your favorite doughnut? That's so hard. :( Krispy Kreme's normal glazed though probably takes the cake. I also love chocolate frosted and just totally plain, though. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? No. Did you read the Twilight series, or jump on the bandwagon after the movie? Neither. Do you or your parents rake your yard? Dad did growing up. Now nobody does or needs to. Who did you last go to the movies with? Dad, I think? What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Do you have any family members in the military right now? No. Is there a ceiling fan in the room you’re in? Yeah. Have you ever heard voices? No. If you’re not straight, who was the first person you came out to? Sara. Do you remember the first time your first crush ever said hi to you? No. Do you ever go places with wet hair? Yeah, idc. Who is your favorite little girl? My nieces. What do you want the most in life? To feel like I made a difference, even a tiny one. If you could have anyone’s singing voice, whose would you choose? OBVIOUSLY Amy Lee's. What’s the most expensive thing you’ve bought that turned out to be a waste of money? *shrug* What’s something you’ve bought that turned out to be way more useful than you anticipated? Hm. Have you ever been on a ship? No. Would you ever date a disabled person? (Be honest) Yes. Would you rather adopt or have your own child? IF I wanted kids, which I absolutely do not, I'd rather have my own. I know I'd feel a deeper connection. What would you class as cheating on someone? As soon as you do/say something you don't want your s/o to know about, you're cheating. As far as earrings go, would you rather wear hoops or studs? Studs. Do you recycle? Yes. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? People have thought I don't try hard enough before. Do you put a line through your "7"s? Yes. ^ What about your "Z"s? Yes. What are you most known for? My art "skill," at least irl. How do you feel about shameless self-promoting? Depends on when, where, and how. As someone who's trying to be a freelance photographer, I get that it's sadly necessary, but there are some places it's just uncalled for.

[fennethianell]

tagged by @folie-lex  ❤︎

Zodiac: through and through Libra♎. I don't even take it seriously tbh, but I'm acting like 120% Libra. This vid is like the best 2+ minutes that describe me perfectly in hilarious funny way.

Height: I guess 168 cm is like 5'6''?

Put your playlist on shuffle and list the first 4 songs:

The National - “I Need My Girl”

Adna - ”Beautiful Hell”

Billie Eilish - “You Should See Me in a Crown”

Mark Ronson, Miley Cyrus - “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart”

my Jeresa playlist lol

Grab the nearest book and turn to page 23 what does line 17 say: “With life drawing there’s no one to admire your efforts - rather the reverse. It’s always shocking (...)” I had to skip to page 24 because there wasn’t enough on p23

Ever had a song or poem written about you?: I have no idea. I’m not aware of any. I could think about my mother because she liked to write a lot but hard to say.

When’s the last time you played air guitar?: I don’t remember, months ago if not year(s).

What is a sound you hate and one you love?:

hate: there is like a lot of sounds that I truly HATE, I’m very sensitive to irritating sounds (weird for a person who doesn’t have a good hearing...), so hard to even choose one?? Alarms and drill sounds? Lots of it

love: Rain, rain, rain, rain. And when it’s snowing... there is like zero sound, which is the best.

Do you believe in ghosts?: To be completely honest I have no idea, never give much of a thought to it. Probably? I’ve experienced some weird shit in my life so I don’t negate the existence of energy of some sort or something, idk man really ahaha

Do you believe in aliens?: I mean... this is such an interesting subject to be honest, I like to read about the existence of extraterrestrial life and all that. We still have a lot to learn about space and our universe (and the possibility of multiverses?? Oh gosh, there is so so much?!), so I believe there is a life somewhere (and giving we already discovered few planets that has environmental conditions similar to Earth’s?)

Do you drive? And if so have you ever gotten yourself into an accident?: Nope. I had accidents tho, one pretty serious in a car (close meeting with a tree). Multiple ones while riding horses ahaha (ohhh that one time when I had mild concussion and dislocated elbow lmao)

Do you like the smell of gasoline?: I hate it to no end. It makes me dizzy and sick.

What’s the last movie you’ve seen?: Mirai (Mirai no Mirai / 未来のミライ)

Do you have an obsession right now?: lol yeah, I have all the time, otherwise I would go crazy depressed. My obsessions are always tv shows/movies/comics/actors related (currently QoTS, GoTG and Fringe mainly; Anna Torv - I would die for her). Other one is horses in general, show me a horse and I will go crazy about it.

In a relationship?: for over 10 years.

I would like to know better: aaaaa I don’t like to tag people because I always feel like I irritate them ;; um....

@captainbucky-yt @hotarurea @philtstone 

*hides*

[lafseanchai]

11 Things

All right, @khaleesa, challenge accepted, lol

Rules: tell your followers 11 random facts about yourself, and tag 11 people in return! the facts can be absolutely anything! whatever springs to mind! let’s get started!

1- I used to magpie languages - I’m pick up any interesting, fun, shiny phrases and words in different languages, and then use them in a setting where I mostly wouldn’t get judged.  AKA around horses. So I still will talk in a hodgepodge of phrases of English, Irish, Rohirric, Elven, and Lakota to my horse to calm or praise him. 

2 - Just shy of the year mark of my leg getting busted, the part that still bothers me is my knee.  The knee was not affected by the initial break, but once the rod and screws were put in... now it hurts if stretched the wrong way or if I ride for too long. Problems when I try to put my shoes on and when I try to show, you know? 

3 -  My first fan fic was written when I was in high school... for a science assignment. I had no idea what fan fic was then, no idea what fandom was, but I really liked Stargate SG1, and we had to write a short story involving the layers of the sun.  So I wrote a story about the next gen of SGC, who where studying the sun with help from the Asgaard’s technology.  Only the first page of this story has survived, tucked away somewhere with my old poems and writings.

4 - I have been sorta involved with helping organize and being involved in three weddings (friend in college, a cousin, and now my sister), and I have decided that in the highly unlikely chance that I’d get married, I am going as basic as possible and probably won’t even get a dress.  

5 - I started knitting literally because of Fury Road. Apparently the cast knit to kill time and @wildyarndreams  made a gorgeous yarn called Furiosa and I was determined to make something with it.  

6 - For all my fan related things in life, I am disappointed that my two pets do not have obvious nerd names. Though Beau does have the honor to share the name with Marion’s horse in @nettlestonenell‘s Don’t series, and people asked if Jax was named for the character in Sons of Anarchy (not on purpose, but I probably had seen the name somewhere because SOA was still popular when I got him).  I’m determined to get a corgi and name him Wedge (Antilles), though. 

7 - When people talk about taking vacations, I never envision a beach. It’s always back to Ireland or Scotland.  Maybe Spain. Cuz horses. I probably need to expand my horizons. 

8 - I would live on creamy chicken wild rice soup if I could.  With chocolate for dessert.

9 - I really like this new equestrian sport of sorting and penning that I am doing, at least in my area, because there are all sorts of ages of people, and a bunch of different body types for the women.  A lot of the time, they are all small skinny ladies on horses (you do have to be fit), but there are a good number who are not the typical rider shape, and they are quite successful at the sport, even if it is mostly a local and maybe state level.  It’s just nice. 

10 - My room is currently painted brown, and if I had more ambition, I’d repaint it a nice mint green.  But I don’t so the brown is going to stay for now. 

11- Despite the goals I set out for myself, I still haven’t finished my current NaNo project.  It’s Robin Hood with a bunch of ladies, why would this be so hard for me to write?  (I should spend less time on this blue hellsite, I know).

Remember, if I tag you, you only have to do this if you want.  @ecouter-bien, @sacrificethemtothesquid, @clementinebabe, @eggtrolls, @huntersandfrackles, @scribblesincrayon, @nettlestonenell, @jammeke, @bratanimus, @fredgodof, @highfunctioningsloth

[thisnerdsadventures]

this summer

I just wrapped up my internship and established that i really liked my team this summer! We played Among Us on my last day for like two or three hours and it involved a lot of screaming and betrayal. I am so blessed to have spent two summers in a row with two really great teams who I had so much fun with. I’m sure that if I was in person, I’d have had even more fun with them, so hopefully I can go back :) I also lowkey committed to New York, so that’s kind of locked in now, so maybe part of it also me mentally committing to liking my team because at this point I don’t have as much of a choice LOL

I only posted a few times this summer because there was honestly a lot going on outside my internship. Actually, my internship was the only part of my summer that went well consistently, without a lot of ups and downs. Everything else???? absolutely a mess. I’ll share a bit of a rundown of all the shit that went on [warning major depressing shit goes down lol, it is a lot, but dw! it turns out ok :) Honestly posting this so that one day I can look back at this and remember how much I had to overcome and also reflect on what I was able to achieve in my internship despite the circumstances.]

June

June 1st started out already disappointing when I didn’t get grad housing. I was really banking on it, so I was really unsure as to what I was going to do, and it didn’t help that I had to wake up at 6am to enter the lottery. This started the apartment squad document, where I tried to convince several of my friends to room with me in an apartment. [start: bunker squad fiasco]

additionally, i was still working on this nonprofit called Amplify that my friends and I started. We were going really strong in April, but by June, we had run into some timing issues and I felt like all the time I had poured in doing development was going to waste. Thus commenced the anxiety related to this project. [start: nonprofit anxiety]

at around this time, we also had a lot of police brutality/racial justice things arise, and I was reading a lot and spending a lot of time on Twitter. My friends and I talked a lot about what was going on and how we felt powerless or struggled to have conversations with our families. [start: current events anxiety]

somewhere around this time, my internship started. It was a lot of figuring out expectations, setting up remote work environments. For some reason, I actually didn’t code until week 4 or 5, which was why i felt kind of discontent with what I had been accomplishing so far, and I was nervous I wouldn’t get anything done. Throughout this, I was struggling a lot with keeping up motivation through the day, esp when I had 3-4 hour blocks of meetings in the mornings and waking up at 8am, courtesy of west coast time. A lot of my exhaustion was also attributed to housing drama in late june when i was trying to figure out whether my friends would commit to an apartment, and what the chances of them returning to campus were. [continue: bunker squad fiasco]

i think the pandemic quarantine isolation caught up to me and my friends because everyone was struggling on a personal level and it leaked a lot into how we interacted with each other. so a couple of us got in a fight and we had to split up the group for two weeks, and I got really frustrated wondering if any one of my friend groups would ever stick together, especially when I kept getting put in the middle. [start: friend drama] Around this time, my parents were pushing me to apply to grad school when I really didn’t want to, and it got to the point where I had to pay for the GRE, and then I simply decided to /not/. [start: home drama]

July

Trying to work my 9-5 job with this (gestures vaguely to the aforementioned) was difficult, and in early july, we had to deal with the impending MIT announcement of whether they would let students back to campus [start: MIT plan anxiety]. Our (aka my) housing plans [re: bunker squad fiasco] were contingent upon these plans. Somewhere in this, Harvard leaked their decision and said they basically weren’t letting seniors back, which threw me into a loop, and the next day, our school said they were only letting seniors back onto campus for the fall, and unless something changed, they wouldn’t be let back for the spring. Moreover (super shit for me), offcampus seniors wouldn’t be let back onto campus. [bunker squad fiasco explodes in my face. end: bunker squad fiasco, start: solo housing spiral] So tl;dr everyone was screaming and sad for like two days, and then we just had to deal with it and adjust.

The good news was that more of my friends decided to go back to campus, but on my end, I was stressed out of my mind for the next week trying to figure out housing on my end. I was super nervous that I wouldn’t be able to find an apartment if everyone was going to try to live offcampus in Boston/Cambridge for the fall, so I frantically tried to find a place. [continue: solo housing spiral] I ended up finding a place within a few days, mostly out of panic, but also playing the “sometimes you gotta make a move and deal with the consequences later” card. 

It was mid-July, so it was also one of my best friend’s birthdays, so a bunch of us stayed up to plan her birthday gift. I timed everything super well so that the art would be done by Friday afternoon, FedEx booklet would print on Friday night, so I could put it together and send it Saturday morning, so it would deliver Tuesday. That was one of the bright spots of my summer. There is truly nothing better than putting in the work for someone or something you love.

In classic quarantine fashion, I strung together a stable 48 hours before I had a huge mood landslide and then got triggered by another conversation until I decided to ghost everyone and go to the beach. Watched the sand and the waves. Felt a little better.

And then things got worse, and I got in a nasty fight with one of my friends [continue: friend drama], and my dad told me to give up on the nonprofit [continue: home drama], and then everything kind of exploded in mid/late July, but then my other friends tried to make me feel a little better. Throughout this whole ordeal of a summer, my friends really were the only thing that were keeping me afloat, just through checking in, surprising me with boba, and keeping me laughing with conversations joking about anything and everything, from backyards to Rhodes scholarships. 

August

AUGUST. was a mess. An entire mess. It started off with when I cracked under some more friend drama and unresolved old drama and then I decided I could not handle it anymore. It spiraled very quickly and blew up into flames and then the flames lit on fire tl;dr. [continue: friend drama, but abysmally bad] My anxiety was sky high this entire week, so my productivity hit near zero and my sleep hit near zero. Around this time, a lot of schools were also either exhibiting huge spikes in COVID or were outright cancelling campus returns, so we all had to hold our breath, praying that our school wouldn’t backtrack. [continue: MIT plan anxiety] I would’ve broken my lease.

Something interesting that happened this summer was that I think I actually started subscribing to journaling and being in tune with my inner spiritual self. I keep thinking to myself “this is some hippie shit”, but when I was at my lowest, the only thing that really kept bringing me solace was the words and poems that my friend recommended to me. When every day seemed impossible to get through and when every waking moment was filled to the brim with anxiety and instability, I had these words and my friends checking in on me.

I slowly started finding a little more peace in my life, but felt, for a lack of a better term, bored? But I called my friends a lot, I distracted myself with Model UN things, I started recruiting. I made it to mid-August. and then I got kicked in the face by more friend drama repeatedly for an entire week, and hit absolute rock bottom where it became difficult to not only get through days, but even hours, as I got friend broken up with..... somehow twice in a week! [continue: friend drama, but got even worse] The nonprofit team essentially put stuff on hold to reevaluate what we were doing. [continue: nonprofit anxiety].

From the friend drama spawned a lot of anxiety about the fall [start: fall anxiety]. At this point, a lot of the rules started popping up about offcampus/oncampus rules and campus access, and I started recognizing the need to get campus access, for my own mental health and easier life things in the fall. So thus commenced my long struggle to get campus access via my PI, which was like 12983192839182 oz of stress on top of what was already a very stressful existence. [continue: fall anxiety]. Also was fully in recruiting season at this point. Also was getting anxiety not knowing where my on-campus possessions were. [continue: fall anxiety] Also was unsure as to whether I had a lease or not because the guy never emailed me back? [continue: solo housing spiral] I had never felt such stress and anxiety levels before.

September

This brings us to the last week of my internship (early September). At this point, August had really brought to my knees. My friends were moving back to campus and I was fully prepared to have soul crushing FOMO for the next two weeks. I think I shitposted on my main “god I wish something would go right for once.”

And all of a sudden.... things started to go right. By some act of God, the friend drama magically dissipated into thin air [end (for now): friend drama], and everything was normal again. I got campus access, which means I can see my friends and play tennis with them and work in lab every now and then [end (some): fall anxiety]. My RLAD confirmed that my belongings still exist. My apartment was indeed still my apartment, they just didn’t send the lease documents to the right email [end (to an extent): solo housing spiral]. My internship ended up really well and I vibed really well with my team. Recruiting had been going well for me and I was getting positive results. I just bought some furniture today for my apartment. Sure, some things are still in the air, like the nonprofit thing that never got resolved and also general fall anxiety about timing my furniture deliveries and timing my COVID tests, but six days out of arriving in Boston for the fall, and things are really looking up. 

Somehow things just..... worked out. I’m honestly shocked my internship actually ended up going really well because my life was an absolute mess this summer lol. lessons learned here are that i ended up hitting rock bottom and i found peace in words and my friends, and my relentless pivoting and crashing through obstacles ended up working out and the decisions i made along the way maybe weren’t the best ones, but they’ll suffice to get me where i want to go, or at least to the place i think i need to go.

anyways, i’m going back to campus in a few weeks, so I’ll continue with semester 5.1!

[wishingfornever]

2/4/2018 – No Contact:  I forgot to name this and I’d rather not reread this crap

So… Yesterday, I worked 8 to 12.  Came back… fell asleep.  Then I caught a stream.  Wasn’t productive.  It wasn’t that bad. Current time, 12:09.  Late, yeah?  Or early.

I’ve been catching up on Archer.  Or, rather, rewatching the series since the day before yesterday.  Really shouldn’t considering I have to watch it on normal speed… and Netflix doesn’t have the latest season.  Like, seriously, Netflix is nothing but inconveniences.  -,-

Regardless, I often wonder what character people would say I relate with.  Archer himself would be the obvious choice.  Thick, black hair, tall, charming, but also a terrible asshole that people kind of hate but tolerate.  Maybe?  I don’t know.  Oh, he’s something of a mama’s boy.

Dennis used to call me that.  He knew it got on my nerves.  His sister did too.  I let them, though.  Maybe I shouldn’t have?  I mean, Dennis was quick to talk about how offended and personal things were.  Something of a dramatic, I suppose…

Eh. Bad time to bring up Dennis.  I’m trying to work my way to Pam.

I don’t think I relate with Pam that much but she is one of my favorite characters.  She is… perhaps designed to be disgusting but she’s also very strong.  Not just physically, though that’s been shown but her character as well.  At times, at least.  This has been inconsistent now that I think about it.  Still, while getting tortured she just spits in their eyes and tells them they’d better just kill her.

Bold, to be sure.

Again, I like strong female characters.  Though, Pam is more humorous than strong.  And, of course, strong female characters tend to confuse strong with getting the shit kicked out of them.  Anyone can have the shit kicked out of them.  That doesn’t make them strong, it just breaks their ribs.

Rather, a good strong character doesn’t need to take a spot on the battlefield and fight alongside men.  No.  Rather, they need to be somewhat assertive and confident.  Like a queen leading a nation while invaded on several fronts.  Standing strong and leading. That’d be fine.

A strong male character doesn’t have to have a machinegun and mow down other men by the hundreds.  Action heroes will be less remembered than actual strong male characters.  Someone who is assertive, confident, and ready to take charge.

Of course, I do also like physically strong women.  Not so strong they’re more muscly than I could ever achieve but just someone who won’t get pushed over.  Ariel, for example.  Kickboxer, a bit shorter than me, and quick to defend what she loves.  She’s fierce in her own way.

Thinking about Dennis again.  Talking about strong male characters, I thought about examples (despite not listing them).  One Piece, an anime he loves came up.  Something I dislike about One Piece is that EVERYONE has a tragic backstory.  Fucking… no.  God no.  That’s dumb. Tragic doesn’t mean good.  You can have a good and compelling backstory that isn’t tragic.

Anyways, one of the characters had big lips.  I used to drink a lot of soda and that’s pretty unhealthy.  Made my lips swell a bit.  They were also kind of bright.  Dennis used to say I had “big nigger lips” which was actually his words.  I want to say he doesn’t hate black people.  I would say, “He’s not racist” but everyone is a little racist.  He probably said that for shock humor because that’s what I’m usually about.  Still, that made me self-conscious.  If you manage to find a picture of me, take notice.  If I’m not smiling with exposed teeth, then I’m biting my lip or tucking it into my mouth.  That’s how you can tell I knew a picture of me was being taken.

The reason I bite my lip is so I feel more confident.  I find myself with big lips rather unattractive.

Oof… this isn’t supposed to be the post where I shit on Dennis.  :/

He’s a Patriots fan.  Which is dumb.  Fucking bandwagon if I’ve ever seen it.  Or maybe there is another reason, I’m not sure.  They’re going to the superbowl.  I hate it.  I read somewhere that apparently, they league allowed the Patriots to go there again?  I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I’ve basically finished watching football.  I don’t have the time for it anyways.

Whatever. Talking about Archer.  Not talking about Dennis again.

Archer and I also both love cats and love Dodge cars.  Nice to see.  Small things.  Of course, he’s fit and I’m not.  I weighed myself yesterday… 249.  I knew I gained.  My mom… weakened my discipline maybe.  Spent so much money on FUCKING food.  And pizza was shit from yesterday, not sure I mentioned that?  Disappointing.  Like, legitimately tired of Pizza Hut.  I’ll stop getting Pizza Hut when I FINALLY have my free large pizza.  -,-

Of which, I thought I was closer than I really was to get it.  Fucking bullshit.

I’m going to have to really focus.  Get back on track.  My aunt is coming and she doesn’t speak english.  Sometime this month.  Fucking hell… I really don’t want to have to deal with my aunt, really.  I don’t want to deal with anyone.  The only thing stopping me from achieving what I need is myself.  However, the thought of other people tends to make me… hesitate.

I’m watching the episode where Archer gets a car for his birthday.  I’d love to get a Challenger, too…  I hope I can afford one someday but I doubt it.  I’d have to write a lot of books just to get a used Toyota.  I can dream.

During the Stream I was asked to write a poem.  The streamer, his name is NGParadox, lost his campaign.  I wrote something sort of for that. It was more specific… people loved it but I didn’t think it was very good.  That’s life, though.  I’m sharing it with Ariel.  I share almost all my poetry with her.

I promised my cousin that I’d drink Kambucha or whatever the fuck it’s called.  Both bottles.

Lol, fucking Archer.  “What year do you think this is?”  “Yeah, good question.”  That’s third wall breaking stuff right there.  It’s set in the 60’s 70’s and even 80’s with anachronistic details. They never specifically address when this is all taking place.  And for those who don’t know, anachronistic means incorrect to the time.  Meaning they have the internet and cellphones in the 1800’s for example.  You’ll see it a lot in depictions of historical events.

That said, I like how Archer has a sort of repetitive humor.  Like, all the characters are working off some hivemind or whatever.  I’ve always thought that was funny because it tends to begin with a character saying something that they’d normally say.  Then it follows by a character that won’t normally say it but wouldn’t be opposed to saying it.  Then it’s followed by a character that won’t say it at all normally.  Usually not in the same episode but not always.  I think that’s pretty funny, myself.

Oh, that reminds me.  Somehow.  Easter eggs!

No, not thinking about Easter but sometimes the show does fun easter eggs like that third wall joke (sort of, doubt it’d qualify though because it might fly over the head of someone who doesn’t pay attention). Most people know but an easter egg in the context that I’m using it is just a fun little joke that you have to look out for, usually in media.  I’m bringing this up because at work there are easter eggs. Where are they?

In the products.  Here me out.

There are these window curtains that are for sale.  There are a variety of styles, each with their own names.  One such name is “O’Hara” which is the surname of the main character Scarlett O’Hara.  She eventually becomes so poor she has to make a dress out of a window curtain to appear still well to do.  That’s a fun little touch.

Better yet, while stocking lipstick I discovered yesterday that one lipstick wasn’t called “Lustful Red” or “Tasteful Nude.”  Rather, it was called “What’s up, Doc?” which is a reference to Bugs Bunny because he’s always dressing up as a woman and putting on lipstick.  That is by far the best thing I have ever seen.

So, I want to start paying attention.  There are certainly bound to be more fun easter eggs like that.  Just gotta pay attention, is all.

I’m thinking…  I know the year Archer takes place.  Or at least, I know what year it can’t take place before.  The answer:  1974.  The reason for this answer is because all the Russian assault rifles you see are AK-47’s which were later replaced by the AK-74.  They fire different rounds and have different magazines.

The M16 is also available so it takes place between 1964-1974.  Of course, how accurate this is is hard to say.  Clearly the cell phone is a thing and that wasn’t invented until later.  However, that’s a specific anachronistic detail to more liken it to modern day.

Doing research for my nationstate is great… of which, I’ve neglected it as of late.  Gotta work on it a bit… rewrite a lot of lore.

Oh, KGB guy said he was working for the KGB for 30 years.  That’d place the time of the show at 1984 if he began the year the KGB started.

Oh, there is a picture in the background of the same episode of perhaps one of the crew members behind archer atop an image showing off the Soviet dress uniform at the time.  I remember in high school, I pasted my face over that same image for computer class.  It’s edited a bit, though.

Reusing character assets.  The waiter at the Chinese restaurant is the same character and voice actor as the original pirate captain.  Oh, and the face on the vacuum cleaner is an actress who shows up in a later season.

Next episode is in Space.  Walter helped me out while researching a lot on this one because my shitty cuba ripoff is Spacefaring and super technologically advanced.  White space suits are because it’s to keep radiation out or something?  Darker colors would be bad for the wearer which sucks because I wanted to do blue, which is my nation’s color (as is the color of every nation ever).  One thing to do is to have it be reflective so it’d keep out the radiation that way.  So, if I do a dark color it’d have to look somewhat cheap because it’d use reflective crap.  Neat stuff, right?

There’s more he told me.  He’s super into science.  I took some notes that were deleted a while back, but whatever.  Desalination plants have to be a thing in my country due to it being small island nation that’s grossly overpopulated.  Basically Taiwan.

So, Archer seems to have a very close relationship with anyone who has green eyes.  Weird things to notice.  Except for Krieger of course.

Episodes later, they mention a T-72.  So, that means the minimum year Archer takes place is in 1973 when it started service.  :D

Or, an easier way to determine the year Archer takes place in is to just figure out when Archer was born.  Then determine his age in the first season.  As time passes in the show, you can determine the year of the season.  Of course, there are bound to be inconsistencies.  We’d have to see to be sure.

One such inconsistency is that it’s 5:30 and just seeing it has made me incredibly sleepy.  D’oh!  Guess I’ll go to sleep now.  Talk to you… well, I want to say when I wake up but I’m not certain anymore.  Ta!

Found out my aunt is coming on the 17th.  I have 13 days.  Need to clean up.  Last night, I stayed up doing exercises while occasionally stopping to comment about Archer.

Oh… It would appear the Patriots lost…

HA!!! Fucking suck it.  I hate the Patriots and their fans are tools. >:C

Getting close to tomorrow…  Six hour stream today.  Long.  So long.  Oof. Ah, well.  Part of the fun, I guess.  Something I’ve been doing is taking steps on stairs two by two.  Usually, I walk up each individual step like a normal person… Esther encouraged me to try doing two by two.  She did.  And now I’m doing it.  I don’t know why I didn’t before…  I’m surprised, really.  I don’t know what concerned me before.

Thinking about Esther… last Superbowl, the Patriots won.  I was with Esther then.  She laughed because she won a bet.  I apparently got so drunk that I blacked out.  Then we had mind blowing sex apparently.  I wish I were there for it.  That’s actually the first time she spoke to Dennis.  He was being a dick to me and I handed him off to her.  She sassed him right back and it confused him SO badly.  It was pretty funny, actually…  I miss Esther.  Can you tell?

Things you remember…  Or don’t remember.  It was a weird night, I think afterwards I was talking to someone who wasn’t there?  That scared Esther… but again, it was after the sex.  I really should get back into drinking again.  I miss talking to people on my days off… people with voices…

Oh, I was sick yesterday.  Not sure if I mentioned.  Sore throat, nothing drastic.  Day before too.  And today, I’ve been blowing out tons of mucus.  It’s passing, maybe, but my nose is still super clogged.  I chopped up an onion today.  I’m getting back to my original diet. I feel like I’ll have the discipline to say no to sweets and ultra fattening foods again.  I’ve been wanting to get this summer sausage SO badly but I haven’t… it’s really good.  But it’s meat, so… sad face. :c

Still, the fact that my impulsiveness HASN’T made me even heavier than I thought I’d be is surprising.  I’ve been doing more arm exercises and realized that I’ve gotten so weak, as I mentioned.  I can’t believe I thought I could outstrength Dennis… but again, that wasn’t the plan.  The plan was to not fight and just show Dennis for something that he isn’t.  He’s not confrontational, I doubt he’d ever hit me.  Mostly because he’d be afraid that I’d hit back.

I used to be super strong.  Like, so strong that it’s crazy.  Now?  I can’t lift my weights to the side.  They only get so far.  I’m so disappointed… my shoulders are going to get a work out.  I’ll just dick around and watch Archer as I play with my weights.  I NEED to get my strength back.  Not so I can fight Dennis but so I have some confidence again.

Besides, if I intend to lose weight and enlist, I’m going to need to do a minimum amount of pullups and situps and all that crap.  So, I need to be sure I can do at least some of that.  I don’t want to be in Adela’s house forever.  I don’t want to be in this country forever.

[kitseraph]

1-60?

Whoever you are I fucking love you

1: Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

Monster Lead me Home-- Sara Hartman

Mambo No. 5-- Lou Bega

I am the Doctor-- Natl. Orchestra of Wales

Help our Souls Remix-- Nihils

My Heart is Full-- Miike Snow

Where’d you go?-- Fort Minor

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? 

Dalai Lama, he seems like such a genuine guy and super kind...

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

Tied around the chest to the headboard.

4: What do you think about most?

My boyfriend honestly, I’m always looking forward to seeing him next

5: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

I think I had a poem written for me before and it’s super sweet!

6: Do you have any strange phobias?

Not anything crazy strange.

7: What's your religion?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

8: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking my dog or cat.

9:  Favorite band?

Imagine Dragons

10: What was the last lie you told?

“My music taste isn’t bad!”

11: Do you believe in karma?

To an extent, yes, but I don’t base my life around it, I try to be good for the sake of myself.

12: What does your URL mean?

I always loved the idea of forests growing somewhere in space, and thought it made a cool mental image whenever someone saw it

13: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Weakness- I’m extremely selfish and it clouds my judgments sometimes

Strength- I try to improve myself! I can’t do it without the help of so many important people in my life

14: Who is your celebrity crush?

John F Kennedy? I don’t really have one lol

15: How do you vent your anger?

I text usually, or throw my phone...

16: Do you have a collection of anything?

Rocks, sketchbooks, regular books, stuffed animals, cds, magic cards, dragon figurines... I think that’s it

17: Are you happy with the person you've become?

I’m happy with the person I’m becoming. I’m still working on me, but once I’m done, I know it’ll be someone I’m proud to be...

18: What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

Any high pitched noise right before humans can’t detect it makes me cry. I love the sound of rain and thunder though

19: What's your biggest "what if"?

What if I die and there’s nothing after death?

20: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts, no... aliens yes

21: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right- wall/ clipboard Left- wall

22: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Old cat hair, electricity, and blood

23: What's the worst place you have ever been to?

In Germany I was dragged along to this party where everyone was smoking and left me with their stuff so they could get closer to the singer and at that moment I never wanted to go home more than then.

24: Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

Uhhhhhh Brendon Urie I guess

25: To you, what is the meaning of life?

Make sure you have the best time possible, and live beyond death hailed as a good person

26: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes, and I have only hit my dad’s bumper while backing up like within the first month of driving, i was going like 5 miles an hour or something, it only took off paint

27: What was the last movie you saw?

One of the new Star Trek movies.

28: What's the worst injury you've ever had?

broke my arm in preschool

29: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Everything fall related, I’m also on a religion kick but also not like finding a new religion or anything? Just studying them

30: Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yes.

31: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

I used to but I’m letting go of them. Life’s too short to hold hate, better to move on and show them what they missed out on :3

32: What is your astrological sign?

Depends. If you’re on the outdated Babylonian system, I’m Cancer. If you’re on the 14 sign system, I’m a Gemini

33: What's the last thing you purchased?

Gasoline lol

34: Love or lust?

Love

35: In a relationship?

Yep, very devoted

36: How many relationships have you had?

It’s complicated, but ones that actually are counted by other people is two

37: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Get to know them and talk to them when they’re bored and stuff? Who knows lol

38: Where is your best friend?

In Duluth

39: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

On tungle

40: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

I think probably not...

41: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Get the dog jesus christ, or at least point to it and get someone else to get it???

42: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

I would tell my significant other, I would spend the days with them and go see some of my favorite places, call people I love and tell them how much they mean to me, and I would be deathly afraid...

43: What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Literally any Saint Motel song, or Awolnation song. They make me feel a lot of emotions but happy is always the biggest one.

44: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

For me, balance. I need some excitement, but also at the end of the day I need to have someone who knows me and trusts me.

45: How can I win your heart?

Just talk to me! Anyone who just holds a conversation with me!

46: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

That’s a loaded question. I think people from all different walks of life can have a creative drive in one way or another. Just depends on where you drive your ideas from

47: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Letting him sit next to me and comfort me when i was crying on a bus

48: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Everything is just a happy accident”

49: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart."

I love you with all of my heart

50: What's your favorite color/colors?

Good ole’ purple

51: What is your current desktop picture?

The picture of Andromeda Galaxy

52: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I really don’t know honestly, there’s a lot of bad people in the world... psh

53: What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

What’s the most fucked up thing you’ve ever thought about?

54: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Shapeshifting! 

55: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I went to a dance in 2015, that I would like to spend the last half an hour right before it ended.

56: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Blue and white stripes.

57: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

None at all

58: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Austria please

59: Ever been on a plane?

I have, in fact, at least once

60: Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

Uhhhhhhhh lol

Benatoite Capitalism

Jerry Seinfeld

Gary Busey

Daniel Armbruster

and number one is a tie--

my two cats!

[thisnerdsadventures]

summer updates

wow i literally just abandoned this blog for two months didn’t i LOL

yes, so, my life got a little crazy and things have been going all right, but just wrenches thrown in the gears here and there, but here’s a rundown of everything that has happened:

So I graduated (per my last post). And I was supposed to be going around the world, travelling and having fun and visiting people, but instead I was at home binge watching Netflix and wishing my internship had started a couple weeks early. If I definitely didn’t get my free weeks of travel in the beginning of summer, maybe by the end I would get them.

For my summer internship this year, googz shipped us all of our work from home stuff, including a keyboard, monitor, mouse, and our computer. This summer I had a great dual monitor setup with the monitor I already owned, which made it feel like I was at the office. However, in fact, I was not at the office, since all our internships went remote this summer, so while I was surrounded by three screens and a keyboard and mouse, I was not surrounded by coworkers, which made the internship experience feel super different.

Week 1 already felt different - some of us didn’t have our credentials, so day 1 and day 2 were pretty slow compared to the rush of getting to know people and getting to know the team in-person. My team though is pretty chill - we have standup every morning bright and early at 8am PST/11am EST (rip me) followed by the daily NYTimes crossword. I was prepped and ready for this, having done the crossword in the back of my systems class every Monday and Wednesday for a whole semester with my best friend. Turns out they’re pretty good too, we did a Friday crossword in like 11 minutes the other day.

Project has been going kind of smoothly? which is surprising if you were around to witness the chaos that was my last summer intern project, which underwent like fifty thousand dead ends and turnaround and permissions errors. Aside from like a couple of permissions errors which got resolved within days, my project has been working? Nothing has exploded?? I haven’t broken prod??? This feels fake. Every time something works I tell my boss: I am shocked. I am shook. But yeah, I essentially did most of my project in like 6/12 weeks, which my manager was also surprised to see (in a good way). I feel like the theme of this summer was getting a really solid design down before going forth and implementing the thing, which I think would’ve prevented a lot of the pitfalls from last summer. Because I had already thought in advance of a lot of the weird things I might run into or identified examples where what I wanted to do had clearly worked, it was a lot easier to implement, and I was a lot more confident that it would work. My manager and team have also been really great at keeping in touch and checking in constantly, so although it’s still obvious that there’s some team aspect missing, it definitely isn’t as bad as it could’ve been. 

Outside of my project though, I can definitely feel a lot of other things lacking. For example, last summer I was really involved with ERG stuff because my team essentially led like two of the ERG’s at the office, but I’m not sure if that’s just not the case at my current team, or maybe they just haven’t been present for the interns because of COVID. Last summer too, my team did a lot of bonding stuff, like we went out to dinner, played games, got lunch, went out for drinks, etc, but obviously nothing like that happened this summer. There also aren’t any other interns on my team, which is a little sad because it was always great to commiserate with someone else (still friends with both of my co-commiserators from previous two summers). I also feel this general feeling of like “I don’t want to put in the effort to make friends because I already have them from last two summers” and also “I am so old I can’t relate to these post 2000′s kids”, but that could also be my work life blending into my life life because of COVID.

Since work isn’t as big of a part as my life as it was in the past, I’ve been doing some other stuff too this summer. Actually a lot has happened, both good and bad. 

In July, MIT announced that only seniors would be back on campus, but only the seniors who lived on-campus could actually access campus. Thus my housing plan with my friend group full of seniors went kaboom.

I was really stressed about housing for a couple weeks after that. I asked myself whether I wanted to even go back, and I ended up choosing to go back so I would a) have at least some socially distanced contact with friends since loneliness has really taken its toll on me and b) get my own place so I can work productively and learn to live independently. I was really convinced that I had to lock it down ASAP otherwise there would be no places left. So I actually signed a lease pretty soon after that, and hopefully MIT will still let their seniors back (please otherwise I will cry so much and probably try to get out of my lease).

My personal life generally has been tumultuous. I think especially with COVID it’s been hard to keep up with acquaintances, and generally relationships are strained across timezones and the Internet. So there’s been a good amount of personal stuff going on in the sidelines, and because work and life aren’t really well separated right now, it’s been leaking my productivity at work, which hasn’t been great.

I thought about applying to grad school. Then it came time to pay for the GRE. Then I realized I didn’t, at all, not even in the slightest, wanted to do grad school.

June and July also had two of my friends’ 21st birthdays, so we did a lot of planning for zoom parties and birthday gifts. For one of them, we made a Google photobook with poems and drawings that 30 of her friends submitted (a lot of effort) and for the other, we put together a mixtape of songs that everyone associated with her. This summer has been hella boring to say the least, but it was nice to be able to pour some time and energy into something that would make friends happy.

We’ve also been playing a lot of Covidopoly. I don’t know why but my friend group has gotten really hooked on this. We really will play for like three hours straight. It’s bad.

I tried to write some more music. It’s been going on and off.

I did Chloe Ting workouts pretty regularly for a couple months, which was actually something I’m proud I stuck with. This week I really fell off the wagon due to some personal issues, but I’m hoping to get back on it this weekend.

Not sure where this falls under, but I go on a lot of walks with my mom, but I ended up getting stung in the face by a wasp and some mosquito bites got so bad I had to go to urgent care. I need to go away from California

Overall everyone has a lot of drama. I have a lot of drama. It is not fun and I wish we were back on campus

I have made shakshuka like seven times during quarantine and it is so so good.

I started journaling in an attempt to empty my thoughts out somewhere more productive and to force myself to slow down when I start thinking a lot. It has been working generally, and I guess it’s just a nice place to reflect on things that have left a deeper than not impact on my day.