#and I mainly do art just to my own enjoyment (and for friends in situations like this) but in transformative works there's a little need-

[piccadillyfool]

tag ramble lol nothing serious so keep walking

[rockanroller]

Insights Into "good" vs. "bad" Animation Rates & Why Animators Might Agree to Work for "low pay"

with the Discord screenshot going around from Spindlehorse Writer and Production Supervisor Adam Neylan revealing some rates they offer, i thought i'd give some insights into the complex topic of animation rates and animators as someone who has done animation work and had many a conversation with peers & mentors about what i should/shouldn't agree to when it comes to pay and productions.

to start with a general statement:

most of what i'm about to say can apply to any and all jobs. animation is not the only industry with low-paying jobs ppl still agree to work, and "currently, 30 states and Washington, D.C., have minimum wages above the federal minimum wage of $7.25 per hour." that means 20 states still only pay $7.25/hour for minimum wage which is not livable, of course jobs in those states may offer more.

i do not say that to downplay or forgive poor wages, only to show animation isn't an isolated case, but it doesn't make it any less awful. and the tricky thing with animation/art is there are more factors to consider than a simple yes or no answer.

and, for your consideration, these are the wages listed by the Animation Guild, they are shown mostly by hourly and weekly rates, and range from $35-$57 per hour, and mainly apply to big studios. you can see wages from specific Big Studios on this page. including Bento Box whose wage minimums ranged from $22-$42 per hour depending on the job as of July 7th, 2023.

any opinions expressed in this post are my own or summarized from others i've spoken with, they're subject to change in the future as i learn more. the goal of this post is to be informative.

"why would an animator agree to a job paying low wages?"

needing the money no matter how poorly it pays and/or having a hard time finding work in the current state of the industry

plain old artistic passion (((they love the work or the project so much they want to be a part of it even if it means low pay)))

they want/need to build their portfolio or resume

they've been recommended to do it by a friend or mentor

they know the crew/studio provide a good work environment despite their low pay

they feel they can get the job done fast enough for it to be worth the pay

they have something else supporting them financially (another job, their family/spouse/partner, etc.) so they can afford to work a side gig for pocket change or just for fun

being a friend of the creator OR anyone on the production, leading to a desire to help out even if it means they wont be paid much

they live in an area of the US or another country that has a lower cost of living (((i.e. if your rent is $3000/mo VS. if your rent is $1000/mo)))

they agreed with the job/rate the employer/client initially offered them, but the employer/client changes or adds onto the job once production starts (((sometimes this can be a situation known as "job creep" where you agree to do one job, but later they ask you to take on responsibilities or "small tasks" from other jobs while only paying you for the one job.)))

on that last bullet you may be thinking... "well they should just quit then, why wouldn't they?" here's some reasons why, some are the same as above:

needing the money/not being able to find another job so badly they find a way to do whatever is asked of them

same plain old artistic passion mentioned above (((they want to see it through/complete the task/complete the vision even if it means they might experience stress or burnout)))

they have something else supporting them financially so doing more/extra work isn't a huge hinderance

they have friends on the production they may not want to "abandon" or "let down" OR, alternatively, having friends on the production makes the work easier to stomach

despite the extra work/low pay the work environment is enjoyable for one reason or another (community, support, fun, etc.)

fearing it could ruin their reputation as a worker / burn bridges with their connections on the production / limit their ability to get another job with the same studio or other studios later on

fearing saying "no" might breach their contract or agreed terms

not being experienced or confident enough to stand up for themselves in the workplace/not knowing their rights (this isn't uncommon, many people do not know the extent of their rights as a worker.)

"what makes an animation wage good or bad?"

this gets a bit trickier bc it is a complex subject that can change based on the project and your personal skills/needs as a worker.

"paid per second"

the "per second" wage is one that's used bc it's very easy for the client to plan their budget with. but it's been debated back-and-forth among workers whether or not it's "fair," especially if the client isn't open to discussion or willing to pay extra for exceptions.

some workers, even though they will agree to work for it, feel this method shouldn't be used bc there are factors it doesn't take into account, while other workers are fine with it.

the limitations of the "per second wage" are:

not every animator works at the same speed

if you're paid $35/second and 1 second takes you an hour to animate then you made $35/hour, but if 1 second takes you 3 hours you made only $11.66/hour, and so on. one might argue an animator simply needs to "improve" in order to make the same "worth" as their peers who work faster--but everyone works differently, and if an animator who works slower is good enough/a more thorough worker, they can still be preferred over a faster one.

it doesn't take revisions/retakes into account*

*this limitation can be remedied if the employer/client includes revision/retake rates or amounts, or is open to discussing extra pay for excessive revisions/retakes. revisions/retakes occur when someone in the pipeline (the lead, the supervisor, etc.) discerns that something was missed or needs to be improved / fixed in an animation. generally one or two small revisions (missing a line, there's a small area that didn't get colored, etc.) are not a big deal and can be fixed quickly. but if there are a multitude of revisions (multiple missing lines/color) or huge revisions (having to re-do an animation completely) that can create a bigger workload for the worker or whichever co-worker their work gets passed to. and you might think "well the error was the worker's fault therefore they shouldn't be paid to fix it" but it's a part of the job. no animator is perfect, and unless you're senior veteran Disney level you're going to get a few notes back. (even the veterans aren't perfect and get notes as well.) not to mention leads might disagree on what is or isn't a necessary fix or adjustment to make on an animation.

it usually is a flat rate that doesn't take complexity into account*

*this limitation can be remedied if the employer/client includes higher rates for more complex shots or is open to discussing a higher per-second rate for more complex shots or additional pay if the job becomes more work than previously thought but, for example, if everyone is being paid a flat $35/second rate no matter what and you get a shot where all you have to animate is a character taking a sip from a glass, but your co-worker has to animate a shot of a character doing crazy parkour, one is going to take longer than the other while getting the same amount of pay. if you complete yours in 2 hours you made $17.50/hour, if your co-worker completes theirs in 5 hours they only made $7.00/hour for a more complex shot.

so overall the "per second issue" has limitations but they can mostly be remedied if a client is open to discussing extra pay/higher rates when the workload exceeds the original agreement.

hourly rates are generally a more "financially secure" option for workers.

however hourly rates can get more expensive and are harder to plan a budget for, since everyone works at different speeds, thus why many clients, especially for productions with limited budgets such as indie, go for the "per second" rate.

job scope

this is where things get difficult to judge bc they vary depending on the production as well as your needs/availability/skills as a worker.

for the sake of example lets compare something that came up in discussion over the screenshot linked at the top of this post: Monkey Wrench's rate VS. Spindlehorse's rate.

breaking down the workload

generally speaking, most shots are only a few seconds. they tend to average around 2-8 seconds, but can be as long as 10+ seconds.

the last rate offered for Monkey Wrench's 3rd episode was $20.38/second, at that rate you could make anywhere from $40.76-$163.04 or $208.30+ per shot of completed roughs or completed clean-up.

at Spindlehorse's rate they chose for Hazbin Hotel's finale episode with A24 & Bento Box of $35/second you could make anywhere from $70.00-$280 or $350 per shot of completed roughs or completed clean-up.

is SH's more than MW in this case? yes. however, there are other factors to consider:

what was the framerate? (12 fps VS. 24 fps, etc.) (((how many frames get displayed per second)))

what were they animated on? (1s, 2s, 3s, 4s, etc.) (((this means how often you make a new drawing, 3s = a new drawing every 3 frames, 1s = a drawing on every frame. at 24 fps that's 24 frames in a second, on 3s that would be 8 drawings on 1s that would be 24 drawings.)))

how detailed are the characters/show style?

how complex is the movement?

how long did you have to complete the animation? (((if you have 1 week to complete an animation you will need to work more hours each day to complete it VS. if you had 2-3 weeks to complete the same one you could work less hours each day, maybe even take one off if you're working efficiently enough.)))

were you asked to take on a bigger workload than you signed on for? and did they offer to pay you the same or more for it?

how many revisions are included in your rate? what's the pay for additional revisions that aren't included in the rate?

was the workplace environment good or bad?

in other words, speaking hypothetically, if you have to animate several frames of detailed characters doing complex movements and you're asked to do more work than you agreed to in a bad work environment, making that $70-$350+ per shot is gonna suck and might cause you stress or even physical/mental harm from burnout that could hinder your ability to continue working...

...to the point that even if you still had to animate several frames of detailed characters doing complex movements, you may prefer to work the job that pays $40.76-$208.30+ per shot if, at the very least, it's a better workplace environment. although you may still choose to do work for the higher-paying job if you really need the money.

we can't make a super clear call on if SH or MW's wages are fair with all of the above factors bc they're either difficult or impossible to know unless we have worked, or hear from people who did work, on the productions themselves. however we *do* know that Adam Neylan claimed the animation for HH's finale episode would be "less intensive" in the screenshot linked at the top of this post, and at least one person who agreed to the offer received shots that were on 1s which *is* more intensive. (link to one other instance of this claim.)

budget / studio size

this topic also gets complicated as an employer/client doesn't typically tell you the exact budget they're working with and where all the money is going.

though they do tend to inform their workers with something like "we're working with a small/limited budget" or "we have plenty of budget" and all you can do is trust that they're being honest. however, indie productions like Lackadaisy and Monkey Wrench have been transparent about where their budget goes. (Lackadaisy budget, Monkey Wrench budget.) So far to my knowledge Spindlehorse has not. (as of making this post on 1/8/2024)

now first and foremost: yes, everyone deserves fair pay regardless of how big or small a client/studio is or how large or limited their budget is.

that being said, sometimes workers are willing to grant exceptions to smaller clients with smaller budgets, especially if they're passionate about the project, they have faith in their employer/client, or are having a hard time finding work and really need the money even if it's not a lot.

the reason many people are upset with the SH screenshot is that, while SH says they offer $60/second normally on Helluva Boss (which while on the better end of per-second rates is still not ideal), they can only offer $35/second, despite the fact they are doing work for A24 / Bento Box, with Bento Box usually offering minimum wages of $22-$42 PER HOUR depending on the job (page 4).

whereas for a much smaller indie project like Monkey Wrench, workers might be more forgiving when most of the money comes straight out of Zeurel's own pocket, as well as the fact that Zeurel does a lot of the animation himself.

and while SH pays much more per second for their indie show compared to Monkey Wrench, SH may have much more money coming in from views & merch sales, they also have much more heavily detailed characters. (in other words an animator might be willing to agree to less pay per second if the characters aren't very detailed or aren't doing a lot of complex movement.) that doesn't mean it's "good" that MW can only afford to pay $20/second, but some workers may be more forgiving given the circumstances.

what if some people are saying they had a good time working on a project while others are saying they didn't?

in relation to everything i've already stated above, the personal experience one has working on a production is equally varied.

generally speaking there are few projects who come out with a fully satisfied crew. there will almost always be at least one worker who had a bad time.

when considering if someone's bad experience is a sign of a bigger issue on a production you have to use your best discretion and accept you may not be able to make a clear call for sure until more information comes out.

sometimes people are telling the full truth of their personal experience, and the workplace *is* bad. other times they're telling the full truth of their personal experience but the factors that caused their bad experience were specific to them/their life, and the place they worked *might* be good for a majority of people.

on the flip side...

use caution when you see the "well *I* had a good time" or "well they were nice to *me*" defense

while numbers can be good (such as if more people are saying good things than bad things) one still has to be wary of confirmation bias as well as why someone might not speak up about a bad experience.

for confirmation bias; someone simply declaring that they had a good time on a production/with a creator insinuating that therefore others couldn't have had a bad time is, simply put, naïve. not to mention disrespectful and ignorant.

example: a group of people can go to the same party where one has a bad time and the rest have a good time. that doesn't mean the party was undeniably good. the party was a different experience for all of them. the host can potentially do something different at the next party to make it better for the one who had a bad time, or that person may decide not go to those parties anymore. if multiple people had a good experience at the party, then sure it's more likely it was "good" by majority, and more people should go--however there could still be an unseen problem such as "the host frequently attempts to get unwilling people drunk," and only a small handful of people have experienced or witnessed it. that's a problem that needs to be fixed, but the majority of party-goers might object to this because they "can't believe it's true, I had such a good time, the host is so nice, & he's never done anything like that to me." yet something bad still happened to a small handful of people and it needs to stop happening.

so, why would someone not speak up if they *did* have a bad experience? here's a few reasons:

they want to move on to other things in their life

they want to avoid getting involved in drama or making a stir even if they had a bad time

they could be afraid speaking up will make it look like they are "taking a side" on something that will cause friction and/or rejection from their peers or friends they don't want to lose

they could be afraid it'll affect their reputation as a worker, or burn bridges with their connections

they could be afraid of the response they'll get from the public (such as being blamed, ignored, invalidated, harassed, etc.)

they signed an NDA and/or are afraid of breaching a contract

should someone accept a low-paying job just for the "good opportunity" alone?

that is completely up to an individual's choice and varies greatly.

personally, i don't believe you should ever *tell* someone to go for something beyond the shadow of a doubt *just* for the opportunity alone, not unless you've taken into consideration the facts of the opportunity *and* the facts of an individual's availability/skills/life situation as well.

sure, "work at Disney" sounds like it's a good opportunity that anyone should take no matter what.

but, if Disney's paying pennies for the opportunity, and an individual isn't ready, doesn't have support, doesn't feel confident about the job or their ability to commit to it, then it isn't a good opportunity for them. you could uproot your entire life for a "good opportunity" only to discover you weren't cut out for it or it didn't lead anywhere. at the end of the day jumping for an opportunity is always a gamble even if it's a gamble that is tilted in your favor.

of course, i also believe sometimes you have to take a risk, sometimes mistakes happen, and you can still learn a lot from "failed opportunities." if it doesn't work out it isn't the end of the world bc you learned more about yourself/the job in the process and you can still pick your life back up. i just don't believe in making uninformed gambles just for the sake of a vague "opportunity," i believe you should consider all the available information before taking a leap.

whether or not something is a "good opportunity" depends on if it's worth it to you and/or you feel confident enough in your availability and skills to do the job even if it isn't going to pay much.

closing remarks

i think that's about all i can say on it, i know it was a lot of information (it's hard to simplify) so thank you truly if you read it all and i hope it was helpful and informative.

the topic of fair pay in animation is an on-going conversation with a lot of opinions and a lot of factors to consider, especially with the rise of interest in indie animation. everyone, including myself, should stay open to this conversation and avoid drawing hard lines in the sand of what is or isn't "fair" unless there is an obvious problem.

personally, due to the claims we've seen over time, i do feel there may be a problem at SH that needs to be reviewed in order for them to be a healthier and ultimately more productive/efficient studio.

i also think it'd be great if indie productions in general could pay more, but the reality is it just isn't there yet, and some animators are willing to deal with it for the sake of their passion or bc they really need the work no matter what.

if you have any questions or confusion about anything i talked about in this post, feel free to shoot me an ask.

ty again for reading.

[papaerloy]

SBI ACTOR AU BRAINROT LETS GO.

This is just a list of stuff I´ve written down for an SBI/DSMP actor AU that´s been living in my mind rent free. I´m currently working on a oneshot for this AU so stay tuned!

list is under the cut because it´s LONG and I want to be polite to your feed.

SBI FAMILY WITH TECHBUR TWINS AND TOMMY ALL BEING PHIL AND KRISTIN’S BIOLOGICAL KIDS THANK YOU.

They’re all actors, or just big personalities in general-

Kristin is a little more lowkey, she’s had acting roles before, but she’s more like the backbone of the family that keeps everyone together, since life can be hectic when everyone’s eyes are on you.

Phil has his own TV show where he’s a winged adventurer who travels around a huge fantasy world, explores the massive structures and interacts with the deity’s and creatures inhabiting it! (Biggest moment in the series was totally The Battle For Endlantis)

Wilbur has been acting since he was a child, starring in a series called “Soot House” for most of his early to late teen years, before the series ended. (Disney child star Wilbur GSKFJSJHSHDEHSH)

Wilbur also absolutely still made his ARG.

Despite taking roles here and there, Wilbur quickly moved on to direct and act for his own series and movies, like a small series called “Earths Empires” that sadly didn’t last long, but he got to star his family and friends in it, so it was fun nonetheless!

Wilbur also loves music and later on goes to start Lovejoy with his friends, which he then focuses more on than acting, but still manages to juggle both careers. (I mean really? This man only doing only one thing? As if.)

Techno is a good actor, but he is even better at martial arts and has a nag for competition. Which is why he’s part of a competitive series called “Hypixel” which is a really random wacky series, that puts the actors in situations where they need to complete challenges and Techno is of course a beloved contestant because TECHNOBLADE NEVER DIES!

Technoblade is obviously not his real name, but the alias he uses in Hypixel. Yet everyone just calls him that now because he is very iconic with his long pink hair, golden crown and the pig mask he wears with his very royal looking dress style.

Since Hypixel lets the actors pick their own brand and looks, Techno honestly doesn’t change much from when he’s on screen compared to when he’s off screen.

Techno actually dislikes the attention outside of work and tends to wear different kinds of face masks with cool designs on them. (One specifically loved by the public is a light pink face mask with golden embroidered tusks on the sides, based off his Hypixel brand.)

Tommy was firmly kept out of the spotlight as much as Phil and Kirstin could manage. All of his childhood and also his early teen years, he never had any acting roles apart from like school plays and normal kid stuff...

It’s all due to Phil and Kristin realizing letting Wilbur be a child actor/star was a big mistake that they didn’t want to repeat. (The pressure was too great and it kinda fucked Wilbur over due to the harsh nature of the acting world.)

Tommy has always been interested in the acting world though, he wanted to be cool like his big brothers but had to wait... So instead he made his own little films together with his friend Toby! (Better know as Tubbo because that’s just what everyone calls him) Who just so happened to be in the same boat as him, regarding the whole “my family does acting but I’m too young and not allowed” thing.

The two of them just made silly little comedy skits, but they’d get a decent viewing on Youtube and were quite enjoyable.

( Tubbo is related to Schlatt, who is a well known actor as well. Just like Phil and Kristin, he didn’t want Tubbo to be exposed to the actor world too early. Mainly due to he himself going down a pretty harsh path, because of diving straight into it at an early age. He is better now and a really good dad! )

Tommy did eventually start appearing occasionally on Hypixel because Techno was on there.

Later on Tommy got his first role in an actual series, it was “Earths Empires” that was directed by Wilbur, mainly because Phil and Kristin thought it to be a good and safe place to start.

Tommy’s very first BIG role was when him and Tubbo were cast for a new series called “The Dreamer” (or something).

Tommy got to play a young and chaotic teen called “Tommy” (the writers liked his name, thought it fit the character well). While Toby’s character was named “Tubbo” (the writers found his nickname really endearing), who was gonna be Tommy’s best friend and partner in crime.

When being cast for “The Dreamer” Tommy once again got to meet the actor called Clay, who he had met in the past due to Clay having been starred alongside Techno a few times. This time, he was the person that was gonna play the character Dream in the series.

Clay was a man who seemed to be constantly increasing in fame due to starring in a series of films called “Manhunt”. Where he was a clever and agile man, who had to survive while being on the run from hunters who wanted to kill him. The number of hunters seemingly increasing every movie.

Funny enough the actors who played the hunters from the first “Manhunt” movies, George and Nick, also starred in the new series, but this time they would be Dream’s friends called George and Sapnap, Which was more close to their actual real life relationships as well.

The Disk Saga was a huge success and the series very quickly grew in popularity! Tommy was very happy to be one of the main characters alongside Tubbo.

Tommy’s own fame started to grow more rapidly after that, becoming a very beloved character and actor very quickly.

Of course the family was very proud of Tommy, but Phil and Kristin were still a little cautious, trying not to overbook his schedule and still let him be a kid outside of all this.

Wilbur was of course cast for the new L’manberg independence arc and OH MY GOD THE FANS WENT WILD.

Tommy and Wilbur’s brotherly bond shone through a LOT in their acting and the writers even changed the script slightly to make them more pseudo brothers, since their characters weren’t canonly blood related.

Wilbur was also a co-writer, along side playing the character that was dubbed after him “Wilbur”.

Wilbur´s character made Tommy super uncomfortable during the pogtopia arc and it made their life outside of work a little more complicated.

Techno gets cast into the series during the pogtopia arc as well and Tommy and Wilbur are both super excited to work with Techno on set.

Techno gets to keep his name as well because at this point the writers have let most of the cast keep their real names, so why not keep it going?

At the end of the L´manberg independence arc Phil joins (out of all the actors, only Wilbur knew he was joining the series.) and kills Wilbur as the second season ends with L´manburg in shambles and the fans projectile crying about it.

That is all I have for now! 

Also feel free to ask questions or like do anything you’d like with this stuff!

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Visual Novel Review - OshiRabu: Waifus Over Husbandos

If you are at all interested in Yuri or visual novels, you will have undoubtedly heard of OshiRabu: Waifus Over Husbandos. The Yuri rom-com was one of Steam’s top 20 February releases, and it hit the trending page on the platform. These accomplishments are incredible, and it is lovely to see both a visual novel and a Yuri game get so much love and recognition. However, whenever a title succeeds and manages to make an impact outside of the Yuri community, it always brings up a few questions. Mainly, does it deserve to be one of the few Yuri titles to obtain “mainstream success” and is it a positive ambassador for the genre, one which can further Yuri’s popularity and pull new consumers into it? These concerns boil down to one question, is it good? Usually, this inquiry is pretty quickly answered, with most elements of a product either being positive or negative. However, OshiRabu delivers more of a challenge. There are some fantastic parts to this game which I applaud and gush over, yet there are also several problems, both major and minor. The dichotomy between OshiRabu’s highs and lows is possibly the strongest I have ever seen in a Yuri title.

OshiRabu: Waifus Over Husbandos is the debut game of SukeraSomero, the new sister brand of the excellent Yuri studio, SukeraSparo. The plot follows Akuru Hayahoshi, an otaku with an obsession with her “husbandos” from gacha games and seriously bad luck. One day she bumps into a cute and bubbly student, Ren Furutachi. After Ren shows off her uncanny good luck to Akuru, a miscommunication sees Ren believing that Akuru confesses to her. For Ren, it is love at first sight, and she persistently negotiates her way into living with the older woman.

The rest of the game flits between comedic moments as Akuru and Ren live together. Examples include the girls shopping for a new bed, since Ren insists on sleeping next to Akuru, and Akuru creating boys’ love doujinshi with her friend Shino. There is, of course, a climax, which will not be spoiled in this review, and three possible endings, depending on two-player choices. An optional 18+ DLC expands on one of the endings and offers several explicit scenes.

There are some enjoyable aspects of this plot. For one, it is light and pleasant, never letting itself settle too much or grow stale. The situations are not hilarious but enjoyable and well suited to the with the characters’ personalities, and establishing several recurring themes and jokes, such as Shino teasing Ren and Ren accusing Akuru of cheating. There is an excessive amount of adorable fluff, which matches well with the overall tone of the game. These delightful moments cater to a variety of interests and fixations, so every reader is likely to find something they like. My personal favorite was a brief imagination sequence where Ren and Akuru have a child together, cute Yuri stories about women raising a kid are one of my weaknesses, and the reason Voltage’s Lovestruck has stolen hundreds of dollars from me.

The writing is also fantastic. The descriptive prose makes me laugh at the poor quality English translations we had a decade ago, and sometimes still unfortunately get. SukeraSomero deserves a great deal of praise for the simultaneous English, Japanese, and Chinese release. It is amazing that everyone got to experience this game together all over the world, without having to wait years for a possible license and translation. English translator Meru is one of the best in the business, and her work shines here. Her adaptation is amazing and fits the games’ modern setting and feel. I personally do not care for the amount of internet culture language included, such as Ren calling Akuru a “thot,” simply because such terminology tends to become dated quickly. However, I will defend the creative choices as accurate to Oguri Aya’s original story.

There is one more major compliment I have to give this game, and it is a big one. OshiRabu is extremely queer. While most Yuri titles exist as lesbian or lesbian adjacent content with little construction of LGBTQ identity, for example naming, displaying meaningful sexual and romantic relationships, or showing any aspect of queer culture, OshiRabu does all of these. I was floored when, early on in the story, Ren confesses to Akuru that she is a “lesbian.” The word lesbian is actually used directly in the visual novel, an unfortunate rarity for the Yuri genre. I even swapped the game into the original Japanese to confirm, and there again was the coming-out moment; the word “lesbian,” in all its glory, was planted right on the screen. This fantastic scene was not a one-off occurrence either.

Throughout OshiRabu, Ren continuously mentioned her homosexuality, which is usually juxtaposed by Akuru pondering her own sexuality, which she defines as an attraction to 2D men and nothing else. Although, her identity obviously changes because you know the women must end up together by the end. Some other excellent scenes feature queer representation. For example, at one point in the game, Akuru goes to a gay bookstore where another woman approaches her. When trying to explain that she is not interested, Akuru almost exclaims, “I’m normal,” a sentiment which she quickly realizes is hurtful and prejudice with some spectacular self-reflected narration. Moments like these offer nuanced and thoughtful presentations of LGBT culture and are the definite highlight of the game.

Sadly, not every aspect of the visual novel is as fantastic as these. In fact, many parts of it range from unfortunate to downright atrocious. First, the characters, while not awful or unlikeable, have some harmful qualities to them. Akuru is distant and introverted, which often leads to her being cold or even rude to Ren, which is never confronted or resolved. On her part, Ren is sadly the stereotypical aggressive lesbian, and frequently invades Akuru’s personal space, a topic which is again never reconciled. It is fine to have a character make problematic choices, but when their actions do not have consequences and conflicts have no resolution, it is a significant issue. The only character I unequivocally enjoyed was Shino, as she spends the whole game humorously teasing the two.

Speaking of conflicts, the final dramatic twist comes about as a result of Ren running away and refusing to communicate with Akuru. It turns out, minor spoilers, that she was testing her, which is a pathetic and ridiculous action which in real life can and should have serious repercussions or even end the partnership. Additionally, the topic of Akuru’s shared affection for Ren and her virtual husbandos, which is an immense source of stress for Ren, is not addressed in the base game, only the DLC. The extra content has its own set of problems too.

It is not uncommon for visual novels to include adult content in a separate patch so they can sell the base game on Steam. However, such adult patches are usually free, and OshiRabu’s is not, instead it sells for $4.99. This price is on top of the $24.99 base game, which means you are shelling out 30 dollars for the complete experience. An experience which, mind you. only clocks in at about 3 hours, hardly what I would call a value. It is an additional shame because the adult content is really well done. All the 18+ scenes, except for maybe the brief first one, showcase a tender loving relationship and skillfully written erotic content, although one or two metaphors did not land very well. However, not every player will want the 18+ content, and OshiRabu essentially forces them to play through it if they are going to see all the base game’s conflicts resolved.

There is also an unfortunate amount of service. While most of OshiRabu’s service is just sweet and cute moments between the characters, there is plenty of exploitative artwork designed to cater to specific players of a more perverted persuasion. Ren is usually the subject of such content, with shots featuring her panties and one extremely revealing cosplay outfit consisting of little more than two strips of cloth. Obviously, some players will enjoy these aspects of the game, but they did not work well for me, especially when I compared such clumsy service with the robust adult content.

However, this exploitative artwork, along with the rest of the game’s art, is phenomenally well crafted. Artist and character designer DSmile creates detailed and colorful illustrations that match the light comedic tone of the game. The adorable and vibrant artwork, drawn in a light watercolor style, makes my heart sing! There are also plenty of CG pieces, over 20, including the DLC, which adds six more. Given the games short length, this means you will see a new CG every ten minutes or so. The UI is also incredibly clean, easy to navigate, and blends well with the aesthetics of the art. My only complaint visually is that the sprites are entirely static. Except for different facial expressions and a few outfit changes, they are always the exact same, standing like flat mannequins against a backdrop. There is no animation or even alternative poses for them.

The voice acting is similarly high quality. Voice actors Nekomura Yuki, Kitaooji Yuki, and Waou Kirika all give fantastic performances in Japanese, and the quality of the recordings is consistently amazing. Even the adult scenes are voiced and showcase the range of talent present. The music is not nearly as good, but it does not intrude either. There are enough tracks to prevent the music from getting too dull, although the central theme and one of the tracks, “Let’s Go Out!” push this boundary a little far. Unfortunately, none of them are too memorable either, and I can guarantee that I will never be touching the BGM tab of the extras menu.

OshiRabu: Waifus Over Husbandos is a highly polished and visually impressive experience. The visual novel contains incredible artwork and is well constructed, showing the promise and talent of SukeraSparo. The stellar, although unfortunately necessary, adult DLC, and inclusion of LGBT themes are superb aspects that could have made playing this game a blast. However, a poorly constructed story, weak characters, and a high price tag compared to the amount of content offered severely detract from the game’s success. If you do not mind excessive service or are interested in lots of cute Yuri moments, pick this one up when it goes on sale.

Ratings: Story – 5 (6 with DLC) Characters – 4 Art – 9 Voice – 10 Music – 5 LGBTQ – 10 Sexual Content – 5 (9 with DLC) Final – 5

The visual novel is available on Steam and MangaGamer

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[mbti-notes]

1) Hi mbti. I’m an isfp trying to confront my teritary loop patterns. In your type development guide you write that “the logical consequence of a failure to develop auxiliary Se properly is that a person often suffers from restlessness despite their blessings and opportunities for enjoyment. Instead of addressing this problem directly, immature ISxPs misuse tertiary Ni to distance from it.” But you never clearly identify HOW to address this problem directly, and I’m assuming that “addressing the

problem is different from “developing Se”.
 I’m assuming there’s an Fi + Se imbalance which is causing the loop pattern. I know that how to develop Se has been covered many times in your ask section and also in the type development guide, so I won’t ask you to repeat yourself. 

I don’t know what to tell you. The solution is indeed as simple as developing Se. The problem is probably that you haven’t yet understood Se and/or how to apply Se properly in your life, especially if you are prone to Ni loop. So, I guess it does bear repeating…

But I will say that I have been looping for quite some time (more on than off, for almost 4 years) and I have some reasons as to why my extroverted functions have been put on hold, as I experienced quite a lot of bullying in school and a parent at home struggled with alcoholism growing up, so retreating and isolation and avoidance became my natural way of operating, to get my self away from painful situations and a way to remain a sense of control. It worked as a protective strategy then, but I can see that does me more harm than good now, and I would like to change it. I wish it could be so easy as to just ‘develop Se’, and I want to ask bout the obstacles I’m experiencing when trying to change this behaviour (i.e achieving healthy Fi + Se), and so I will try to explain the problem: 

It is easy to be under the illusion that you are engaging in “self-care” by retreating and avoiding pain, thereby easy to believe that Fi is healthy and doing its job. However, if you’re always running from situations that frighten or threaten you - before you’ve even started anything - how are you ever going to learn how to handle painful situations and use those experiences to become a stronger person? You’re robbing yourself of opportunities to learn and grow by excessively sheltering your feelings - this is what Fi-Ni loop actually “accomplishes”. 

The reasons I avoid certain Se activities is because there are potential risks attached to them (as it of course is with all actions one takes). The problem is, I often have a hard time determining wether these ‘risks’ fraudulently function as a reason to avoid Se-activity (caused by the loop), or if it objectively is a legitimate risk to properly consider. This has kept me volatile for a long time and I’m not sure if I’m moving forward in the right direction. For instance, I dreamt about moving to a city in a country, a place which I feel at home and where some relatives live, to study at uni. It gave me a sense of hope to travel, experience, meet new people and get new impressions. But I decided not to move because education is very expensive there, compared to where I live now, and a political situation in the country also made moving tricker and more expensive, but I could’ve managed if I really pushed it. The place I live in now makes me feel depressed, restless and as if my growth stifles here, mainly because I relate it to past experiences and feel the need for “new” stimulation. But the benefits are better, cheaper education and better accommodation. Do you see the dilemma? I can’t really determine which option would be better for me? 

General rule of thumb: The option that is better for you is the option that allows you to become the person you are meant to be. The nature of a “dilemma” is that neither option is perfect, that’s why deciding is very difficult. No matter what you choose, you must deal with some negative consequences. So, the question is, which set of negative consequences is more worth it to you to confront for the benefits? Nobody can weigh and judge that except you. You, yourself, just said that you could’ve managed it if you really pushed it. Your heart already knows the correct path, and now you suffer from the feeling of missing out. Is that not what’s happening?

Another example, I dream/dreamt about working within the field of visual arts, and am interested in photojournalism, although this specific area has posed many ethical questions to me after reading/seeing certain images/finding out about all the fakes in the business, and I also find the vast quantity of images that circulate everywhere, almost always with a commercial agenda, just waters down the meaning of it to nothing, there is no journalism there, all I can see is the greediness. But I also love photography and visual arts with political dimensions to it, and it is a substantial source of inspiration to that excites me and make me genuinely enthusiastic… I feel cloven. 

And why do you automatically default to imagining yourself as a hapless victim of a “corrupt system”? Why do you not stop to consider that a corrupt system needs MORE people of integrity to correct it - not fewer? And why do you not see yourself, with your strong sense of integrity, as having the capability to change the system for the better? That is what mature Se+Te would do.

A third and final example could be when I’ve been around friends for a long time and I start to feel tired/“drained” and that I need alone time; should take time to rest or should I practice more active participation and attend those around me more? Which is showing myself and others most care? 

The key is to establish a proper balance between the introverted and extraverted sides of your personality, which means that you should not be too extreme one way or the other. It also means that, in order to develop your “lagging” side, you have to push out of your comfort zone. Introverts must push themselves to extravert more in order to become more capable of it, and vice versa. It is not a case of oversimplistic either/or (”either I care about me or I care about others”), it is about learning to listen to what is required for your development and refining your judgment accordingly. When you care for yourself, do you not become more emotionally available and effective at caring for others? When you care for others, do you not benefit from a deeper relationship and the feeling of having a positive influence? You have created a false dichotomy to choose between when the two things are actually interrelated. 

These kinds of ponderings have sort of put me ‘on hold’ for a long time and I am not quite sure how to proceed in life. I am studying at university in line with my interests, I volunteer at various places I feel are in line with my values, I watch film and photography, draw every once in a while, stay around friends and family, but still I’m feeling this anxiety (or restlessness, as you put it) tapping within me. It’s like a constant, mild depression and I think it is fuelled by my constant questioning of my commitments. And to connect to what I said in the beginning, I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW TO ADDRESS THE ROOT OF THIS RESTLESSNESS. As you said; “(…) a person often suffers from restlessness despite their blessings and opportunities for enjoyment”. I see my privilege in the world, and I am grateful, but how can I identify what it is that’s causing the “depression”? I mean, I can keep “throwing myself out into the unknown” and explore life forever but never really hit the spot. Do you see what I mean? I’m afraid of turning into a shallow, bitter individual, because there is something telling me that I’m sort

It is precisely underdeveloped/underutilized Se that is the root of restlessness. Unhappy Se creates the feeling that you are not living life to its fullest and taking advantage of every chance to learn and grow through new life experiences. If you run from new experiences via irrational Ni loop negativity, Se will complain vociferously that you are missing out, and how can you feel at peace then? I’m not here to tell anyone how to make major life decisions, as each person must be responsible for their own life. I can only tell you that your restlessness comes from knowing that there is more out there for you but that you’re holding yourself back from exploring it. How you respond to restlessness is up to you. I can only tell you that ignoring it is only going to make it worse over time. 

To have mature Se doesn’t mean that you’re aimless and restless; it means that you are able to set aside negativity and be flexible in the face of challenges. Mature Se means that: 1) you have inherent trust that the world will offer up good things as long as you are on your toes and able to grasp the new opportunities that come your way, and 2) you have inherent trust in yourself to be able to adapt and get through any situation, good or bad. That’s why Se doms are bold and brave and easily leave the past behind.

When you say “never really hit the spot”, it reveals that you haven’t understood how to use Se. It is immature Se that explores the world willy nilly with no direction or purpose. Fi+Se is about having the courage to take the risks that allow you to move toward the life that you want to live and be the person that you know you can be.

[fandom-necromancer]

1101. Touch him again and I’ll kill you so hard your ancestors will feel it.

This was prompted by a lovely anon! I’m sorry if any Ls are missing or double in this story, my key broke. Also, this is inspired by a roleplay I had some time ago, in case anyone of these people are still in the fandom, feel tagged! Enjoy!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Characters: North, Josh, Ralph, Kamski

‘Hey, North, are you planning on killing the guy?’, Josh laughed as they exited the automated taxi. ‘Is that an option?’, the woman asked, looking serious enough to let the other android question whether that was a joke. ‘No, I won’t do that. Markus needs that deal and I can’t simply kill the CEO of the only company that produces spares for us. But I’m not happy about meeting him and I won’t pretend to be.’ ‘Ralph hopes this will be over quickly and without complications!’ They both looked back, waiting for the visibly damaged android to catch up to them. ‘Yeah I hope so too’, Josh agreed. ‘From what Connor told us about Mr. Kamski doesn’t sound as if he is very invested in our wellbeing…’ ‘He is a damn human. The human that invented us. Of course, he thinks he is some kind of god and that we are some weird kind of science experiment to him. I don’t know how Markus can spend hours talking to him without going insane.’ ‘Ralph hoped he would make this visit.’ That earned the small android a chuckle from both. ‘Yeah, but our saviour has some political meeting off somewhere, so we have to manage.’ It was said with no bite by North and a smile tucked at her lips. ‘Ralph doubts that would be more enjoyable than meeting with that Kamski-human.’ Josh nodded, hurrying his step a bit to open the doors to Cyberlife tower for them. ‘I guess we picked the easier job.’

North walked up to the reception desk and waited for her turn. Then she walked up to the human sitting behind the counter and announced themselves: ‘North. Josh. Ralph. Representatives from New Jericho here to meet with Mr. Kamski.’ She grit her teeth at the fake smile the woman displayed while typing away and reading something off the screen. She had to feel so goddamn important. Stupid humans… ‘Yes, I see your appointment. We are happy to have you here. If you would follow me?’ She locked her computer and stood up, speaking in hushed tones with her colleagues before leaving the area and leading them to an elevator. Once inside she pressed the button for the 43rd floor and the lift began moving.

During their time waiting the woman tried to hold some light conversation, but North had never been someone for small-talk. ‘We are so happy the cooperation between New Jericho and Cyberlife is flourishing. Too long androids and humans insisted on these barriers.’ ‘It’s not like we had no reason to’, she answered as uncooperatively as possible. ‘Oh.’ The receptionist was a bit shocked by that undiplomatic response but was quick to regain her composure. ‘Yes, I believe Cyberlife made some mistakes back then, but I can assure you we have only the best intentions.’ ‘Like keeping vital spares from us?’, North snapped. ‘Err… W-we did no such things!’ Josh cleared his throat, to keep the situation from getting out of hand. ‘I’m sure it is just a misunderstanding’, he said. ‘I have to excuse my friend for forgetting herself. The situation is quite dire, you know?’ ‘That’s why we want to speak with the human Kamski!’, Ralph added, excited as always.

That saved the poor receptionist, as the lift came to a halt and the doors opened. ‘I hope your meeting can help to resolve the situation then. This way, please.’ They were led to a door with a sign next to it. Elijah Kamski, CEO. The woman knocked and entered, announcing them and taking her leave as they walked in. The room didn’t look like an office. More like a well decorated meeting room. From a huge window front overlooking Detroit’s skyline, light fell on a long oval table that had room for at least twenty people. A few potted plants fought for survival along the walls decorated with a few large canvases. The pictures were some kind of surreal paintings of what looked to be machinery. Not that North had much of an eye for art. Maybe that’s why Markus got along better with the man.

Elijah Kamski was standing by the window, a glass of what was without doubt an expensive brand of liquor swirling in one hand. ‘Welcome! I hope you didn’t have to wait. Please, have a seat!’ North knew when politeness was a mask, she used it for exactly that often enough herself. But Kamski seemed to wear it like a second skin. Hesitantly they sat down on the table, while Kamski kept standing and only venturing to the table once they were seated. He put down his glass and threw them a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. ‘So, what can I do for you?’, he purred only then sitting down himself. ‘There was a delay of spares, Cyberlife promised to have delivered by last Friday. Upon reaching out to your so-called support offering to pick them up ourselves, we were told the order never reached Cyberlife and those parts in fact didn’t exist. I don’t think I have to stress these parts are vital in repairing and reactivating androids damaged during the revolution. A procedure Cyberlife agreed on helping get on the way, considering their actions against deviants caused a great many of these damages.’ ‘Oh’, Kamski smiled at them innocently. ‘No need to get defensive. I believe that simply must be some misfiling error. I have to remind you, I have not been in charge during the revolution. I wouldn’t let my own creations be damaged, would I?’ ‘Sure’, North pressed out not to let worse words follow.

Again, Josh jumped in to defuse the situation: ‘Of course, Mr. Kamski, we don’t doubt that. But when it is just a misfiling error, surely it will be easy to get that issue solved? Though I would use other words, I have to agree with North that we need these parts as soon as possible.’ ‘Of course. I will personally see to it.’

Watching Josh and Kamski talk through the technicalities, North kept a close eye on the human. And she didn’t like how his gaze seemed to linger on Ralph whenever he made an effort of looking at them all for inclusion. North hadn’t wanted to let the android tag along, but he rarely left their base of operation as it was already. He only left when he knew there were reliable people around him to protect him from humans. Mainly that was Connor, Markus and North. It dawned on her she should have been more persistent, as they stood up and Kamski shook Josh’s hand after North’s, emphasizing again how he would personally mend the problem as quickly as he could. North didn’t believe a word of it. They were heading for the door as it happened:

There was a loud, static sound as Ralph struggled and jumped away from the man who had grabbed him by the elbow. ‘Don’t touch Ralph! Do-Do-Don’t!’ Kamski had already retracted his hand and held both of them up in a display of innocence. But his smile and ducked head didn’t convince North, not when his eyes were piercingly fixed on the WR600. Immediately North was standing next to Ralph and had her hands on the lapels of Kamski’s probably expensive suit. But it meant little to her that this was one of the most influential being in Detroit next to Markus and a powerful enemy to their cause, as she pushed him against and down on the huge table. ‘Touch him again and I’ll kill you so hard your ancestors will feel it’, she hissed at him, ignoring Josh’s shocked gasp behind her. It was far too pleasing to see a slither of fear spark in the human’s face. In the lingering silence she pressed a little harder before letting go. It didn’t take long for the man to recover, the fake grin reappearing as he brushed some folds from his clothes. ‘My, I just wanted to ask this fellow some questions’, he smirked and North glared at him, ready to quip something back, but Ralph calmed her down. ‘Just questions are okay, North’, he whispered. ‘But Ralph doesn’t like touch. Humans can’t touch.’ ‘I’m sorry, Ralph. Are you one of these androids that needs spares?’ ‘No’, he answered. ‘No, Ralph doesn’t need parts.’ ‘Are you sure? You are looking pretty beaten up.’ ‘Ralph, you don’t have to answer’, North told the android next to him, but he did. ‘Humans hit Ralph. And burned. But i-i-it’s fine. Doesn’t hurt. And Ralph is fully functional.’ ‘I’m sorry to hear that. Your speech pattern is very interesting.’ ‘Ralph doesn’t speak very often.’ ‘Hmm… If you do need help, feel free to come here. You are a very fascinating robot.’

Kamski held out a business card of his he produced out of thin air. Ralph clearly didn’t want to take it, so North did and handed it back to the android. ‘If that is all, we will take our leave now. Thank you for your time.’ ‘Oh, no, thank you.’

‘Well…’, Josh broke the silence in the elevator. ‘That went better than expected…’ ‘We’ll see’, was all North had to say to that. ‘I will relax when we get those parts.’ ‘He sounded nice enough. Maybe he will keep his promise’, Ralph commented. ‘Kamski is one of these people that say one thing and mean another, Ralph. If you plan on taking up his offer – and I would rather you didn’t – please tell me. Or take me with you, okay?’ ‘Of course! Ralph never leaves without someone he can trust!’

[moonlightstars16]

Psssst....Hey y’all......Bonus Chapter ;)

YEP AND ITS ALL THANKS TOO @thepurecinnamonroll and her amazing fan art of my story! (🚨PLEASE DO NOT STEAL HER FAN ART OR REPOST WITHOUT HER PERMISSION🚨)

So enjoy this weeks bonus chapter!!! :)

Chapter 6 ~ Preparations

The next few days for Connie were just studying gem royal history and the strict rules to follow. In her off time, the library became her sanctuary of sorts. There she could read and get lost in her daydreams. From time to time she helped her newly found gem friends with their work around the castle. It was slightly surprising to find a kitchen full of, as normal as one could expect, human food and nourishment necessary for survival.

Lapis explained that part of it was making sure the humans in the zoo wouldn't starve to death. Mainly, however, it was used for Steven's purposes. Though part gem, he needed his nutrients for his human half sometimes. Even some of the gems shape-shifted their forms similar to humans to experience the pleasure of digesting food...and other things. Some actually found enjoyment in it, making it a hobby of sorts from time to time. It was quite bizarre for her to process.

Not that she truly cared where he was or what he was doing (other than the fact of the deal to not harm anyone, so long as she kept her end of the deal). Mostly work consisting of plans for earth's demise and keeping to himself(Pearl informed her upon asking since she technically hasn't seen him since before her studies began). Her heart sank every time she thought about what she agreed too. Her future to live in this horrid place and be his bride.... Though unfathomable to grasp, it wasn't like she could go back on the deal. It was her life or all of humanities on the line. No matter what she thought, she would end up losing. At least humanity will have diplomatic immunity from being destroyed. How could she turn her back on them? It wasn't like her life was worth saving aynways....

One day before the first meeting with the Diamonds to talk about earth. Connie decided to ease her worries by relaxing in the library during her break. However with the situation at hand it was hard for her to concentrate on anything else. A loud clashing sound soon interrupted her thoughts. Looking up she walked towards an open window to where the sound resonated from down below. A purple gem, though a bit shorter than the others and Pearl dueling with swords is what she had only begun to witness. Peaking her interest she sat on the windowsill to watch. The idea of them sword fighting, even though they have magic, puzzled her. And though she was on the second level, she could hear the conversing during their battle.

"Come on Pearl don't hold back! I am a gem solder for Mr. I-am-no-Diamond himself, I can handle you!" The purple gem with silver hair tied up in a ponytail shouted. Just barely dodging her attack, though she missed an opportunity to take down Pearl when the opportunity was wide open. Making Connie wonder if Pearl left herself open to attack on purpose.

"Amethyst, your footwork is still sloppy and you have no coordination! Being random can't be you're only plan of attack, sooner of later you'll need a battle strategy." Pearl moved with such precision and elegance, it was mesmerizing to watch. In just a few quick motions and effortless dodges, she pinned down Amethyst with her sword pointing towards her throat. They stood in silence until Amethyst pushed her away and stood up. Walking away in anger and grumbling under her breathe. The intense staring from before said a lot between them.

However Connie couldn't pull away from the scene replaying in her mind. Looking down at her own hands she thought about her current situation. Having a few good fighting skills could be useful, certainly she couldn't hope to have someone there to hide behind. Even back on earth she felt uncomfortable going outside to take out the trash at night. Though pepper spray in hand is nice and knowing she could run for long distances was good, but now it wasn't enough. Especially in a place where she was beyond out of her element. 

That evening, while she prepping for tomorrow's important meeting, Pearl knocked and entered the room. Slightly pleased to see her studying and memorizing all the information given. Shaking her head, Pearl cleared her throat and maintained her composure.

"Steven, has requested your presence in the dining hall for supper this evening." It was quite shocking to say the least, and a tad nerve wracking since the last time she saw him was when he took care of her headache. It was odd. One minute he was a tyrant, the next caring and then back to being cruel. Just that alone wasn't making sense and made her head spin just thinking about it.

"Why me? Why now?" She asked standing up from the vanity chair and mirror. Pearl only shrugged slightly whilst shaking her head.

"It's difficult to understand him and for now, better not to question so." Her statement made less sense about the whole situation. Still she had a point. Connie gulped remembering the deal with him. If she were to step out of line then more lives would be taken, their blood on her hands as well as his. Without another word she  followed Pearl to the dining hall. Her light green dress' skirt swaying slightly with every step she took. Stepping through the doors, she instantly felt the intensity in the air. There he was with his back facing them. He was lost in deep thought until he sensed there presence. Lifting his head up slightly he felt the warmth of her presence as it surrounded the entire room.

"As requested, Steven." Pearl spoke with her hands behind her, back straight. It reminded Connie of the way solders on earth would stand when called to at the word 'attention'. Her thoughts soon returned to the man standing before her as white butterflies swirled around her mind.

"Good, now please leave us alone." The words hit Connie like a fist punching her gut. What was about to come made her uneasy. Both herself and Pearl looked at one another, Connie's eyes pleading for her not to leave, or at least not be very far. While Pearl's gaze was calm as if to say she was alright. Leaving the room with a gentle sound of the huge double doors shutting close. Connie stayed in place not knowing what to do.

"M-My Diamond" her voice squeaked(which she hated) whilst saluting and bowing slightly. A deep chuckle soon turned into a roaring laugh. the sound surprised her enough to jump a tad a the outburst. Steven breathed in deeply to stop himself as he placed a hand over his chest.

"The Diamonds are not around. You may address me as Steven, in fact I insist upon it." Slowly but surely Steven turned his attention towards her. His gaze a tad less intimidating than before. Stepping closer till he was two feet away. Extending his leather black gloved hand. "Come" Hesitantly she raised her's, trying hard to hide her trembling and failing at the same time. Her gaze held into his outstretched hand until the soft and gentle tone of his next word surprised and compelled her. "Please" instinctively their eyes' matched one another's, only this time his was less intimidating and more inviting; Her's still confusing as ever. 

Finally she accepted, feeling his grip wrap around hers as he lead them both towards the table. Decorated in candelabras, and a vast array of fancy food. The scent intoxicating as she felt her hunger grow. He lead her towards the chair in a corner position right next to the head seat, which she assumed was his. Once they both sat down, Steven gestured for her to dine on the food set before her. After a long moment she began eating, it was her first official meal  since arriving on the planet. Not feeling really hungry other than a few scraps she found from the kitchen. With her predicament, no one could really blame her for not wanting to eat.

Steven watched her as they ate in silence, her hair had fallen to the side of her face that sort of hid her from him. It was surprising, knowing himself. He basked in her natural beauty for a moment. Causing him to slow down and almost stop eating himself. But he was part Diamond, long periods without food was normal for him. However she needed to eat, and he needed to make sure she had the strength to deal with the Diamonds. On instinct he reached out brushed away her hair tucked behind her ear gently. Feeling her jump at his sudden touch.

"Are you afraid of me?" He asked watching her look upon him since they sat down.

"I'd be a fool not to be." Her reply was honest without having to say the actual word yes. "If I may" Connie began "Why don't you use other titles?" She waited till he gave a slight nod for her to continue. The look on his face puzzling as his right brow slightly raised up. "You've made it clear you don't like being called-... well you know." Carefully avoiding the phrase as best she could. "But why not any other formal titles?"

"I would rather have others address me without hiding behind formalities. Especially if one chooses to defy me, I want to hear them say my name." It was almost like he didn't want to be mistaken for anyone else other than himself. "I'm sure you have more questions... I suggest you choose your next one a bit wisely." Connie gulped and nodded her head. Her next said question was one that she had since Pearl informed her of this situation right before. Wanting to know why he needed to see her. Putting her fork down on her plate and her hands folded together on her lap. Focusing all her attention on him.

"There must be a reason you wanted me here."

"You must regain your strength. I cannot allow you to falter from lack of nourishment in front of the Diamonds tomorrow evening. Besides the complete humiliation, you won't be able to hold up your end of the deal." Steven spoke whilst grabbing a glass full of red wine, taking a sip.

"And why do you care?" Her voice low and full of annoyance. "I would suffer the most, yes, but I don't see how this affects you."

"There is not enjoyment if all I can do is easily win, I prefer a challenge after all. Besides you are to be a apart of my royal court. Whatever happens to you doesn't reflect well on me." He paused for a moment smirking "Not that it matters to me personally." He chuckled slightly as she gazed downwards yet again. It was simple, she was a pawn in his sick, twisted games and nothing more. It pained her heart deeply though she couldn't understand why. "Don't fret my dear, I am only wanting to make sure you're alright."

Once more taking her hand in his, bringing it to his lips as he placed a gentle kiss, careful in not wanting his mask to touch her. Looking back towards him, his eyes watched hers the entire time. Setting his hand down while not letting go of hers, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. The sensation oddly calmed her, yet making her inhale inwardly.

His eyes now held a depth she never saw before; it was calm, inviting, and intense in a way that she didn't shake with fear. Steven gazed into her eyes, almost getting lost in them himself. 'Snap out of it!' his inner voice shouted before he blinked and soon let go, clearing his throat slightly before instantly regaining his composure.

"Tomorrow you will accompany myself and Pearl to meet with the Diamonds to discuss matters about earth. Are you fully prepared?" Connie nodded slowly still coming out of the brief moment that had just occurred.

"Yes, Steven, I am prepared." The next day was going to be intense for her, the cruelest thing he could've done was not say anything more than what he already warned her about. She would soon see the depth of how truly horrid they were.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The following day, Lapis spent the hours preceding the upcoming Diamond meeting getting Connie to look presentable. A long soak in the bath making sure her skin was clean, light amount of makeup, hair done in braid adorned with jewels and a few curled locks that framed her face. And an outfit that the material it was made from was almost uncomfortable to move in. The corset underneath was no help.

The color a deep blood red dress, off the shoulders with long sleeves coming to a point against the back of her hand. The outer regal layer of the sleeves almost touched the ground. The neckline a cross between a low swoop and a sweetheart design. Both front and back. The belt had a Diamond design, and golden, all over it as it wrapped around her lower waist; while it tied to one spot and letting it drop all down her skirt towards the floor. The skirt itself gave her maneuver to walk around effortlessly but the length(hemline on the neckline and bottom skirt were black) was almost impossible to ignore. Her shoes resembled ballet flats as the color scheme matched her dress.

Though attending as nothing more than a servant, she was still supposed to look presentable. She was about to meet the Diamonds in person. Lapis could sense her nerves as she placed a black laced choker with A red pendant in the middle and three red diamond shaped jewels dangling in the front.

"You look beautiful, Connie." Lapis stated with a smile looking at their reflections in the mirror. Connie weakly smiled back weakly, trying to ignore the butterflies in her stomach. Though she had every rule and etiquette mesmerized by heart backwards and forwards, it was hard to stop from her heart beating wildly.

"Lapis is right!" a voice which belonged to a certain Peridot exclaimed as she and Bismuth entered the room. A box wrapped in a bow in hand. Connie smile widened as they handed it to her.

"We wanted to give this to you before you headed out." Bismuth said with a proud gleam in her eyes. Connie adjusting her grip began to unwrap the bow.

"Oh you don't need to do that. It's just a box lid made too look like it's been carefully wrapped." Peridot said before getting elbowed in the gut by a glaring rainbow haired gem. "Ow-Hey! She would've found out anyway!" Connie began to laugh and the rest of them followed in suit. Opening the box she gasped and was surprised to see an almost mystical like journal, quill pen and ink. It wasn't advanced compared to gem tech. But for Connie it was perfect.

"We all thought it would be nice for you to have something more...traditional. At least for when you have free time." Bismuth explained as Peridot went into telling her how they made it and where the quill feather came from, and not to get her even started on how long the ink took to make. Which earned another elbow in the gut. It brought tears to her eye briefly before blinking them away.

"Thank you, I am truly lucky to have friends like you. I hope one day I can return you're kindness."

"We'll just say you owe us one." And that statement earning a third punch in the gut.

Pearl came to fetch her soon after. Herself dressed a tad more formal than usual with her cape flaring in a more Diamond shape. Bringing Connie to the launch pad where they we're greeted by Steven, dressed in a black suit with a red shirt underneath, his blood stained black cloak with a gold chain attached this time and more leather like black gloves. A dark pinkish red cravat accentuated his jacket and his silver mask a bit more polished than normal.

Upon seeing Connie, his eyes widened. The dress she was wearing revealed how beautiful she truly was. As she entered the room, nobody could tell she was a few days ago just carrying herself like an earthling. Revealing the true young woman, kept hidden from even himself, she now presented herself like a gem. Perfect and radiant. In his eyes rivaling even the elegance of the Diamonds themselves. Closing his eyes briefly, maintaining himself yet again.

"There is no turning back, from now on you are a member of my court. Temporary or not, do you understand my dear?" Connie nodded mentally preparing herself for what was ahead.

"Yes" Soon they were on the warp pad ready to transport to the grand Diamond palace. Steven held out his arm towards a slightly confused Connie.

"Unless you want to arrive at the grand entrance landing flat on your face, I would suggest you hold on tight." She complied without hesitation. Once he felt her tight grip, he looked at Pearl with a nod as they were ready. In a flash of light and the feeling of being elevated off the ground they were off and within moments, stood before a grand Palace. Had it not been for his insistence, she would be laying on the ground in pain. Connie breathed in sharply for a moment, gasping at it's exquisite beauty that captured her eyes. Then remembering where she was brushed herself off and tried to maintain a regal state.

“I suggest you be a bit more careful next time." He spoke coldly.

As they began walking, Connie noticed Steven still had her arm tightly around his, with no intention of letting her go anytime soon.

[ezimin]

This Anime is like Marmite

A few weeks ago I dyed my hair, which I thought made me look a bit like an Anime character that was in an Anime I actually quite enjoyed the first time I saw it all the way through. However, this Anime is honestly not amazing and it took me two attempts to watch it right through. The first time I attempted to watch this Anime, I only got past the first episode and then gave up because I found it boring. If I didn’t have friends that I watched other Anime with, I wouldn’t still be watching Anime now. When I finally got around to watching this anime and its sequel a few years later, I really enjoyed it. I am glad I got around to watching it again because since then I have read a lot of comments online, from people who intensely dislike the Anime. So when I rewatched it a few weeks ago,  I was partly rewatching it to see if this Anime still held up as a good one (in my opinion at least).

Before I begin to explain the anime Sword Art Online and Sword Art Online 2, or SAO and SAO2 (as I will be calling them because this is easier to type), I should mention that there is another sequel to this anime, called Sword Art Online : Alicization. However, I will not be talking about that anime in this post as I haven’t yet seen it. As this post will possibly contain minor spoilers, because I am covering both series of Sword Art Online, I would recommend that you go and watch it before you continue reading this post, in case I spoil anything for you. Although I will try to keep spoilers to a minimum, as always.

SAO is an anime set in the near future, in which a virtual reality game has been introduced. in the anime, they call this software, ‘Soft Dive’ software, because when you are wearing the helmet, called the ‘Nervegear’, you are completely unresponsive to outside stimuli, such as sounds, temperatures etc.  the game, which has been introduced, is where the anime takes its name. SAO is an online fantasy MMO, in which people create their own characters and meet up with friends to defeat monsters together. The creator of the game has turned it into, what is referred to in the anime as a ‘Death Game’. A game in which the characters are unable to log out  until they complete the entire game and defeat the final ‘Boss’. The main character, called Kirito makes friends with a few different characters in the game and along with them, works to defeat all the bosses. SAO2 is a similar idea and involved Kirito entering a separate MMO in order to defeat someone who is killing physical players through the game.

I think I should explain what I mean by the title of this post. If you were to take an entire group of people who had watched SAO, they would mainly fall into one of two camps. People who loved it and people who hated it. In this way it’s just like Marmite. I am someone who differs from this normality. Having written these blogs for a few years now, I like to analyse anime and look deeper into the meanings, the storytelling and the characters and I can see that SAO is not the best written anime. However, I still cannot shake that sense of enjoyment I got when I first watched this anime right through to the end.

There are some criticisms though. The first of my criticisms about SAO is that there are some fundamental plot holes. For example, there is even a massive plot hole in the premise of the entire anime. Why any government in the world would legalise a piece of wearable technology that was capable of causing catastrophic damage to a person’s brain, is beyond me. No matter how much safety this capability was under, you do not have to be a genius to figure out that at some time or another, someone will find a way to hack into the system and remove any safety protocols that had been put in place, meaning that the system would be able to kill users with or without their knowledge. As you can see, this is a massive plot hole. I do not understand why this situation could ever be believed, even in a fictional world. Even as a surface plot it doesn’t hold together - this would never work in any reality. There are a couple of other plot holes like this throughout the anime, which can be slightly jarring, as they pull you completely out of the sense of disbelief that the anime is trying to establish. I am pretty sure that you will be able to find others, because it is not very difficult.

Reki Kawahara, who is the author of the SAO Manga on which the anime is based, said in a recent interview, that he intends to get better at writing. I have to congratulate him on wanting to do this, as changing your entire writing style can not be easy. Although by him doing this, it would get rid of some of the potential problems with future anime based on his works. One problem I think would be extremely good to get rid of, would be the issue with exposition (by which I mean plot set up). In any anime, exposition is always necessary and you cant get away from it. However, some ways to do this are better than others. For example, there are two main ways that I think exposition can be handled. The first involves simply a scene in which the characters talk to each other about specific plot elements. This is really boring to watch and you can feel every minute of the exposition ticking by. Often in anime, every few episodes are really heavy in exposition and can have multiple ‘Exposition Dumps’, because there is an awful lot of set up for a particular situation in a five or ten minute period. The second way of tackling exposition, and one I find slightly more clever, is by using subtle gestures, or actions, to explain what is going on. I find this a lot better, as exposition can be spread out over a number of episodes, avoiding exposition dumps and also there doesn’t even need to be any words spoken and so you don’t always know it is happening. For example, without a great explanation, if you see two characters holding hands, you can assume that they have a fairly close relationship such as being siblings or romantic partners.

Mr Kawahara unfortunately strongly favours the first technique, which I do think is a real shame, because in actual fact, this detracts from some of the scenes, eg the fight scenes in the anime, which are really enjoyable in their own right.

So, I’m not too sure what to think of SAO and so I’m not really sure if I can recommend it or not. On one hand, I did enjoy watching the show, but on the other, there were some pretty bad problems around the story. But, like with all my recommendations, this is up to you. If you think it’s worth a watch and you have heard about it from friends, then give it a go. If not, it’s maybe not one for you.

[rkxric]

➜ EVENT: star bright casting ➜ LOCATION: park hyatt hotel - interview room ➜ DATE: sunday 28th 2020

this is dumb. completely and utterly stupid. why did he have to go and let songhee convince him to go to this thing? he’s not cut out for being an idol, he can barely handle people online acting like ‘fans’ of his just because he does tiktoks. he had no performing talents, so he’s just going to make a fool out of himself. at least it’s only an interview, he thinks. he likely won’t make it through to the next round, since he’s got no performing experience like he’s sure a lot of the other people auditioning have. 

do it for the free lunch, eric, he tell himself as he fills out the form, then waits for his name to be called, regularly wiping his clammy palms on his thighs. he’s sitting hunched over his seat, unconsciously trying to make himself as small as possible. he feels like everyone around him can tell just by looking at him that he doesn’t belong here. he’s no singer, no dancer, no rapper - he’s just funny! funny doesn’t make you an idol. 

but, it’s too late to back out when they call his name and he hesitantly makes his way into the interview room, handing over his form and positioning himself opposite the person he assumes is the interviewer standing beside a camera. he’s used to cameras at least, though usually he’s being filmed on his own phone, and not an intimidating looking camera and microphone setup. 

he’s told to introduce himself, and after a moments hesitation, he looks at the camera and smiles. “i’m sohn youngjae, but everyone calls me eric. i was born in la, in america, i’m 19, and i’m currently a composition student at korea national university of arts. i’m also... a barista, a pizza delivery guy and a 7 eleven employee. busy bee, that’s me!” at least he manages to relax while talking, though he’s still worried they’re going to ask him to sing or something. 

“alright eric, nice to meet you. i’m going to ask you a few questions now.” eric nods, his smile though forced and slightly nervous, remains on his lips. 

“okay eric, firstly, why do you want to be an idol?”

dammit. how is he meant to answer this question when he doesn’t want to be an idol? sure, it sounds amazing, singing and dancing on a stage and wearing fun outfits and meeting people who love you for doing something as enjoyable as singing and dancing, but could eric do that? he’s pretty sure that’s an absolutely not. “uh...” his brains whirring, trying to think of an answer that isn’t too much of a lie. “i... i really like dancing. i’ve always liked dancing, and singing - actually when i was a kid my dad got me a toy karaoke machine for christmas once and i did holiday shows for my mum at every little holiday there was, just because it was fun. i suppose being an idol would be way more difficult than singing livin’ la vida loca on a toy karaoke machine in your living room for your mum, but i think it would be worth the hard work.” he pauses, realising he’s sort of strayed from the initial question, and clears his throat with an embarrassed half-smile. “i do dance cover videos on tiktok, actually, and a lot of people seem to like those, and whenever someone tells me they really enjoy my dance videos, it feels... well it feels better than... anything else i think. it’d probably be one hundred times better to hear thousands of people say it about a proper performance, like on a stage.” his answer seems, to him, to suck, but how is he meant to tell someone why he wants to be an idol, when he doesn’t want to be an idol?

“so, singing and dancing are your best skills, are they? do you have any other talents?”

“oh boy, i wouldn’t say singing is a talent of mine. those karaoke shows weren’t at all worth the cookie my mum would pay me for attending them!” he jokes, laughing and relaxing a little, getting used to the situation a little more. “i’d say i’m best at dancing. my tiktok followers seem to like my dancing, so i mustn’t be that bad, right?” again, he laughs, rubbing the back of his neck a little awkwardly this time, realising that this poor woman probably had no idea what tiktok is. “as for other talents, i can actually sing the elements song my tom lehrer and the nations of the world song, both in full without a single mistake!” he exclaims proudly, only to realise the interviewer probably doesn’t know those songs either. “well, i can sew, knit and crochet! those are some fun skills! and juggling!” 

“on your form you put that your biggest influences are mostly girl groups. isn’t that a little strange for a boy?”

“oh, i don’t think so at all!” he responds quickly. “i think girl groups are more marketed towards guys anyway. but music is for everyone, no matter who’s singing it! i like the style of girl group songs more, and i think it’s fun to challenge expectations. so if someone expects me to do a boy group dance, and i do a girl group dance, and i do it well, it’s fun to see the surprise on their face. i do know a few boy group dances, and there’s a lot more power in them than girl group dances, but i like how much emotion goes into girl group songs, which is why i like them a lot more and like to learn the choreo to them.”

“what would you say is the biggest obstacle you’ve have to overcome?”

eric’s lips purse as he thinks over the question. “i... grew up very poor. a lot of the time there wasn’t a whole lot of food, or a very healthy variety of food in my house. i also never wore new clothes, only second hand clothes from goodwill, and, well, children can be mean when you’re different. not only was i an asian boy growing up in a predominantly white area, but i was also far worse off money wise than many of my classmates. i suffered a bit of bullying, but i suppose it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. other than that, moving to a new country as a young teen and having to learn a new language and make new friends was hard.”

“could you tell us a little bit about your family? has your home situation much improved since then?”

the questions about home life and family life aren’t eric’s favourite - it isn’t a topic he’s too open about, thanks to his mum’s problems. but he can sugar coat it, he’s got a lot of practise doing that. “my family was mainly just me and my mum growing up. she didn’t have a very well paying job, but she’s doing better now. my dad wasn’t around a lot as he worked in korea when i was young and growing up in la. things were definitely better when he lived in la as well for a while, but he and my mum weren’t married, so they didn’t like together so i sort of... have a split life. time spent with him i never really had to worry about how much anything cost, but with my mum i really did. i got my first job at thirteen because of it. my family’s not very close, i have a couple cousins, but i didn’t meet them until i moved to seoul, and i don’t see a lot of them often.”

“you said you have three jobs, all while being a student as well. how do you think this impacts your everyday life and overall ambitions?”

“i started working very young. i was a paperboy, so a simple job really, but it helped a little. then i was a milk delivery boy when i moved to seoul, a similarly simple job, and they never took up much of my time. now i have three jobs and as you can imagine they take up a lot of my time, but i have them scheduled around my school hours, so it isn’t too bad. i don’t think much about how they impact my ambitions really, since i don’t have a choice in doing them - if i want to pay rent i have to work. i have some free time here and there though, so i use that time to learn new things and do the things i enjoy, and hopefully when i graduate i can find a better paying job and have more time for the things i enjoy.” he realises too late that ambitions probably meant ‘dream to be an idol’. oh well. 

“so, if you weren’t trying to be an idol, what do you think you’d be doing?”

“probably exactly what i’m doing now.” he’s probably the only person who’s putting absolutely no free time into this ‘endeavour into being an idol’, since he never even thought about it as a career. he’d love to be an idol, but he simply doesn’t have the skills needed, and he isn’t delusional enough to think he does. with more practise and dance or vocal lessons maybe he’d have potential, but he doesn’t have the time nor money for those. “focusing on school, and trying hard to pay my way through it.”

“thank you, eric, that’s all. do you have any questions before we finish up?”

“uh... no, i don’t think i do.” he says, sounding unsure. he’s ready to leave and go and get that free lunch songhee owes him for this awful ordeal. he just hopes she gets something out of this. 

“alright, well, have a nice day.”

“you too!” he replies, then leaves the interview room, head past the other people waiting, and makes his way out of the building, intending to go and find a cafe nearby to wait for songhee in. as much as that felt like a big waste of time, at least i gave him some insight into what actually trying to be an idol might be like. 

[t0ngue-tech]

Transient Boundaries

“’I really don’t.’ Yoongi sighed. ‘I don’t know why she chose me out of all people.’

You adjusted yourself and swung your arm around to drop it behind the bench. Yoongi caught a glimpse of your gaze and the pink flush that was stamped on your cheeks. It was probably the alcohol, but you had a mysterious glow about you that he couldn’t put his finger on.

‘I mean,’ you began. ‘Why wouldn’t she?’”

↠SUGGESTIVE CONTENT MY DUDES HUHU↞

word count: 5.9k

↠oneshot↞

A/N: early birthday gift for our darling, min yoongi! let’s get a bit saucy up in this bitch huhu. /wiggles eyebrows/ i haven’t made any smut content in a while, so why not do it for our next birthday boy huhu. enjoy! (btw i fckn story mapped this plot three times within the last six months LOL)

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Being Namjoon’s friend since they were a pair of thirteen year olds has been quite the adventure, mainly because he was clumsy and quite the character. Yoongi was the opposite, so it made the years quite enjoyable.

Yoongi had the pleasure of being close with Namjoon’s family as well, this meant getting to know his younger sister of one year, you.

You and Namjoon were quite close; you adapted a lot of his personality traits. He always spoke highly of you, excluding the usual brotherly-sisterly hate once in a while. It never bothered Yoongi the way you clung onto Namjoon, he thought it was sweet because all Yoongi had was a much older brother. 

At school, you stuck with your own friends who had similar interests as you; anime and animal crossing. It’s not like you two acted like strangers. Whenever Yoongi and Namjoon walked by, you would always say hello, occasionally giving Yoongi a high five.

Yoongi always thought you were adorable in a childlike sort of way because of your round face and short stature. You also prefered having your hair cut straight, no fancy styles, and stopped right at your slim shoulders. Compared to Namjoon, you were also much quieter and a lot less rowdy.

Whenever Namjoon had a bunch of his friends come over after school, you always offered to bake cookies or bring snacks into his room. None of his friends ever minded if you sat in the room to watch them play video games because you always kept to yourself. You were pretty much everyone’s little sister.

High school was a different story.

The four years of high school were the breaking points of an adolescent’s life and it definitely took a toll on you.

Your interests never changed however, you added a few new ones; shopping, experimenting with makeup and hair colors, and obviously, boys. Namjoon would always watch on the sideline, telling Yoongi “she’s thinking of changing her hair color again” or “y/n rejected some guy from her class.” 

You grew out your hair in high school, dying it red to a deep violet to black whenever you wanted. The low rise boot cut jeans you prefered changed into high waisted skinny jeans and shorts that stopped above your mid thigh. Namjoon would complain about how you needed about an hour and a half to get ready, not to mention hogging the bathroom to blow dry your hair.

The change in your appearance also stirred the hearts and eyes of the friends who never considered you as a romantic interest from the start. Once in a while, Namjoon would get asked “does y/n have a boyfriend?” or “can I have her number?” or even “do you think y/n likes me?”

Namjoon wasn’t over protective of you; he knew you could steer your own ship, but none of the friends who were interested in you didn’t appear worthy of you in your eyes. Even with your brother’s disapproval, they still continued to ask, just in case he changed his mind.

Boyfriends came and went in your life causing you sleepless nights and heavy eyes in the morning. Namjoon always wiped your tears and offered you a listening ear. Knowing you just as long as he had known Namjoon, Yoongi also made sure to do the same for you.

While Namjoon majored in literature in college, you chose to take up graphic design in the arts department at the same university. You didn’t purposely follow in his footsteps to attend the same school as him. The program offered a lot of creative freedom and your best friend was also taking up the same major as you.

College life was as difficult as Yoongi imagined; he attended the same university as a suffering business major. Being a full-time student, joining extra-curricular activities, and having a part time job was enough to make anyone go off the rails. He lived in an apartment that was near the university and was roommates with Namjoon since their freshmen year. Now sophomores, their schedules were a tad bit more stressful. They took any window of opportunity to wind down because they spend so much time on school and work; there was nothing like a few drinks on a saturday night after a full week of hectic festivities.

“Yoomgs… it’s my life call. I have to do it.”

“And how exactly are you going to do that?”

Namjoon shoved his beer bottle a hair away from Yoongi’s nose, condensation leaving a mark. “I have to see Professor Oak and get my starter pokemon, charmander of course. And then, only then, will I begin my journey to becoming the pokemon master!”

Yoongi lowered his bottle and leaned his drunk friend towards the other side of the couch. “Whatever you say, you tall fool.”

After turning down multiple invitations to go out, Namjoon and Yoongi finally decided to attend a party that was hosted by a mutual friend. It was nothing special, just a normal weekend party with a lot of drunk college students. 

Amongst the sea of drunk folks, Namjoon was rambling about his dream to become the pokemon master, a usual conversation he has when he’s drunk. Yoongi, on the other hand, was more so tipsy than drunk. He blankly listened to Namjoon and drew a few long sighs before he decided that he needed to take a breather.

“Namjoon. I’ll be outside for a little bit. Jackson is right over here if you need to puke or something.” Yoongi shook Namjoon’s shoulder and waited for a response, but all he got was a mumble of incoherent words. Yoongi shrugged, letting Jackson know he’ll be right outside.

“Ugh, Jesus.” Yoongi stumbled onto a random bench that was behind the dormitory. He looked up, street light beaming down on him and the first thing he thought of was the truckload of notes he had to go through. He shut his eyes and mentally planned out his schedule for next week. 

Yoongi worked at a music store a few stoplights away from the university and he was going to be working three closing nights next week. This meant he needed to fit in sleeping and studying into his life somehow.

He felt his eyebrow twitch. I can feel my soul leaving my body.

“—gi!”

Huh?

“Min Yoooooooongi!”

Yoongi snapped his eyes open and was made face to face with a familiar facial structure.

“Oh, it’s really you. That green hair really comes in handy, huh?”

He blinked a few times until the hazy image in front of him became clear.

Silver hair. Glasses. Dimples—

“Y/n?!”

He finally twisted his body around to take a good look at you. You waltzed from behind the bench to the empty spot next to him.

“The one and only.” You smiled. “Were you at JB’s party too?”

“Yeah. I just needed some air.” Yoongi sighed. “Namjoon is in there somewhere.”

You crossed your right leg over your left. “I saw him clinging onto that Jackson guy, wanted to say hi, but there’s way too many people inside.”

Yoongi snickered remembering how much you hate crowded places.

“How have you been? You haven’t come around the apartment as much as the beginning of the semester.” He straightened himself out, getting a better look at you.

The last time he saw you with your natural hair color was during your high school graduation and just before you dyed it silver, you had a combination of purple and pink in your hair. At first your parents used to give you shit about constantly coloring your hair, but over time it seems like they got used to it.

Having you over the apartment was normal during the beginning of the semester. You usually went over to take a nap on Namjoon’s bed, do some homework while you waited for your roommate to finish her shift at work, or you would sometimes join them for dinner.

From what Namjoon mentioned, you also got yourself a part time job as a waitress to help with expenses. This is what made your visits to their apartment less frequent. Looking at you now, it was like Yoongi hasn’t seen you in forever.

“Tired, stressed, feeling a bit defeated, but hanging on.” You laughed. “How about you? And how’s that TA situation going?”

Yoongi chuckled dryly. “She’s uh, well, she’s still pushing her efforts.”

He recalled the conversation he had with you and Namjoon a few months ago about how the teacher’s assistant in his economics class tries to flirt with him. The TA promised him a whole letter grade change if he chose to sleep with her and this offer would last until finals.

“And you really don’t want to?”

“I really don’t.” Yoongi sighed. “I don’t know why she chose me out of all people.”

You adjusted yourself and swung your arm around to drop it behind the bench. Yoongi caught a glimpse of your gaze and the pink flush that was stamped on your cheeks. It was probably the alcohol, but you had a mysterious glow about you that he couldn’t put his finger on.

“I mean,” you began. “Why wouldn’t she?”

Wha—

As you inched closer towards Yoongi, your denim jacket slid down your shoulder, revealing your bare shoulder that was barely supporting the strap of the black dress you were wearing. If his head was on right, he was sure you were trying to make a move on him.

“Uh—um, y/n?” Yoongi stuttered.

“Hmm?”

Your response came out as a pur and the alcohol was probably messing with his head because he could feel goosebumps rise on his skin.

“I—”

“Your TA has great taste if you ask me.” You breathed, your face now inches away from Yoongi’s. You lifted your hand and carefully touched a few stands of his mint green locks. “If I was your TA, I think I’d ask the same thing.”

Yoongi’s breath caught in his throat and he turned his face away from yours. “Y/n, I—I think you had a little too much to drink. Why don’t I go and get you some water?”

Before Yoongi could stand, you circled your hand around his wrist to keep him in place. “I’m fine, Yoongi. Just stay with me here, please?”

Alcohol. Too much fucking alcohol.

Yoongi was in panic mode. He really shouldn’t stay with you because he wasn’t sure how things were going to turn out. There was no way he was going to lie to himself and say you weren’t attractive. The years have done you so well to the point where it was almost impossible to picture you as the twelve year old he met years ago.

Namjoon never told Yoongi that he wasn’t allowed to hit on you. Maybe it was because Yoongi never made any advances. But whenever their other friends would joke around saying that Yoongi was going to hit on you next because you were actually friends with him, Namjoon wouldn’t bite back. He would simply say “well, he’s not a bad guy unlike some guys I know.”

Did this give Yoongi the green light? Even if it did, he still felt guilty looking at the innocent facial expression you had that clashed with your outfit choice.

“Y/n, I’m honestly flattered. But I can’t—I can’t stay with you here.” Yoongi tried to sound firm.

From his wrist, you slid your hand down to delicately hold onto his fingers.

“Then we can go somewhere else.”

“Y/n.” Yoongi said. “Just—I ca—I need to go and check on your brother.”

He wriggled himself out of your fingers and just before he turned away from you, he caught you pouting and almost glaring at him. Just as guilty as he felt even thinking about staying with you for the night, he felt the same way walking away from you.

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

Yoongi entered the dorm and leaned his head a little too harshly against the door.

“Wha—What the fuck.”

↠↞

Two weeks flew by and Yoongi hasn’t seen you since that night. Sure, there were times he spotted you on campus flaunting your bright eyes and dimpled smile but he would avoid you. Since that night, he shamelessly hasn’t been able to tear the image of you out of his mind.

There had to be something wrong. That was the only explanation because now just at the sight of you, Yoongi could feel his heart start to pound.

When the semester began, you easily leaned your head against his shoulder whilst watching tv and Yoongi wouldn’t mind at all. You’ve patted his cheeks, twirled locks of his hair in between your fingers, and you even fell asleep with your head in his lap once. He saw you drunk once or twice in their apartment, but you’ve never come onto him like that. Plus, you never looked at him with that mysterious glint in your eye before.

Were those—

—little touches your acts of flirting? And I was just too fucking dumb to realize it?! Augh—!

“Yoongi! You’ve been thrashing around on the sofa for like ten minutes! The fuck is wrong with you?!” Namjoon shouted.

Yoongi shoved his face in one of the throw pillows. He was losing his goddamn mind and there was no way he could tell Namjoon because the reason for Yoongi’s constant thrashes was Namjoon’s sister. It would be too awkward to talk about even if Namjoon was his best friend.

“Namjoon.” Yoongi sighed. “I think I’m seeing the light. Tell my mom I love her.”

“You need to relax. Grab a drink, hook up with someone, eat an entire cake! Do something because seeing your arms flap around for ten minutes is driving me insane.” Namjoon replied.

As soon as Namjoon mentioned to hook up with someone, Yoongi sat up straight and trudged towards the fridge to grab a beer. He was done with his classes for the day and it was his day off, so he should be relaxing. But how could he relax in this state?

“By the way, y/n is almost here.”

Yoongi almost spat out his beer. “Y-Y/n? Is coming he-here?”

“Yeah?” Namjoon scrunched his eyebrows. “Remember—actually, I mentioned it while you were having a complete system malfunction on the couch. You most likely don’t remember.”

Great. Just great.

Yoongi stood at the kitchen counter and then glanced at Namjoon who was diligently typing away at his laptop.

At least Namjoon is here. I don’t think I can be alone with her.

Five minutes later, you showed up at the doorstep with two bags of takeout from the restaurant you worked at. You gave Namjoon a hug and playfully flicked Yoongi’s forehead as a greeting. Yoongi immediately held up his guard around you, but you smiled at him like you always did, melting away the defensive armor he set up.

“Ugh, Joon. If mom found out that you use a dishwasher, she’d pull your sideburns.” You stood in front of the sink to wash the dishes that were piled up.

“You’re telling me that you and Wendy don’t use your dishwasher in your apartment?”

“Of course not!”

While you and Namjoon bickered, Yoongi sat on the sofa sipping on his second can of beer. He took a peek at you and even with your shoulders covered up with a university hoodie, he could still picture it bare with your denim jacket and dress strap sliding down. He panicked at the image in his head and snapped his attention back at the tv.

This was just a mere physical attraction. Nothing more, nothing less. Yoongi was too busy to be dating at the moment, so he hasn’t been with anyone for months, of course he would react a certain way when an attractive female would come onto him like that.

But you were you! I can’t be thinking like this.

“Yoongi, you said the professor for math 103 was easy, you liar.” You plopped down on the opposite end of the couch and whacked him with your math workbook.

“He is easy. What’s so hard about his class?”

“Everything! Look!”

You snatched a throw pillow to sit on it on the wooden floor and opened up your workbook to showcase multiple red markings all over the page.

Yoongi sputtered to stifle his laughter and you automatically pinched his ankle.

“Ow! Okay, calm down, let me see.” Yoongi sunk down onto the floor beside you.

At that moment, he completely forgot the nervous feeling inside of him. It was like everything was back the way it used to be; no weird vibes, no unnecessary needs to scoot five feet away from you, it was like nothing ever happened between the two of you.

“The mix what?!” 

Namjoon had been on the phone with one of his coworkers for quite some time and the sudden volume of Namjoon’s voice startled both you and Yoongi.

“Ugh, no, don’t—just leave it as is. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Yoongi widened his eyes. He’s leaving?! But he’s not the campus radio host today?!

“Geez. Okay guys. I gotta go for a while. Seokjin thinks he ruined today’s mix and I need to try and recover it.” Namjoon walked over to the front door with his laptop in hand and jacket in the other. “I’ll be back later. Y/n, be nice. Stop giving Yoongi a hard time.”

You chuckled and flipped him off. Ah, sibling love.

The front door clicked shut and Yoongi’s mind went blank.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Yoongi, you were doing a great job in avoiding y/n and now here you are, alone with her.

“Yooooooongi.” You lightly jabbed Yoongi’s arm with your pen and then tapped at your workbook. “You didn’t finish explaining this.”

He blinked away his thoughts and cleared his throat, bringing his attention back to your math workbook.

It intrigued him how normal you were acting. You were talking and making jokes how you always did. You didn’t touch him inappropriately, only bumped into his shoulder a few times. 

Yoongi felt stupid for overreacting about nothing. He assumed that the alcohol you had that night was just messing with your head and you weren’t in the right mind. He felt relieved.

Kind of…?

“Ughhhhhhhhh.” You groaned. “I’m gonna fail this fucking class.”

Yoongi smiled warmly at the way you dropped your head on the coffee table.

“You just need to study a little more.” He subconsciously placed a hand on your upper back.

You sighed loudly and whispered something along the lines of “I hate math. I hate college.” He snickered quietly and rubbed your back to console you.

It was quiet for a moment. The only sound that filled the room was the commentary of some game show that was playing on tv. 

You hadn’t said a single word for a while and Yoongi believed you fell asleep. He was still rubbing your back which made him think that’s what made you doze off. A couple strands of your silver hair fell against his hand and he twirled it around his fingers.

It seemed like every time he saw you, the image of the twelve year old girl he met years ago was going further and further away. But thinking of you as a woman made him feel ashamed, like he was betraying his best friend. Being physically attracted to someone was a normal human instinct, so he shouldn’t feel that bad, right?

Damn it, Yoongi. Why are you so torn for?! It’s not like you’re going to actually try something with y/n.

“Nnyoongi?” You whispered cutely and he abruptly stopped touching your hair. “So—Sorry for uh, you know, that night.”

You weren’t making eye contact with him. You probably also felt guilty for acting the way you did towards a friend of your brother’s.

“It’s okay. Alcohol makes everyone act some type of way.” Yoongi went back to twiddling the ends of your hair between his fingers. Maybe you regretted it?

You shifted your body, causing Yoongi to flinch and turned to stare right into his eyes. “I’m not going to ultimately blame it all on the alcohol though.”

“What do you mean?” He questioned.

“I mean,” you were now leaning in, face dangerously close to his own. “I’ve always thought you were pretty cute.”

What?

“M-Me?”

“Mhm.” You hummed sweetly, not breaking eye contact. “I didn’t want to say anything when I was in high school, but now that I’m in college, it shouldn’t be a problem right?”

Yoongi couldn’t say anything.

You squint your eyes at him. “Don’t tell me you still see me as a middle schooler.”

“N-No, I don’t. It’s not that.” He muttered.

“Then?”

He squeezed his eyes shut. There’s boundaries to this.

“You’re my best friend’s sister.” Yoongi said flatly. “I ca—can’t…”

You pouted and reached for his hand that was balled up in a fist next to you.

“But Joon never disapproved of you or anything.” You leaned in closer, your breath fanned across his cheek. “Do you really not see me as nothing more than your best friend’s sister?”

The seductive tone in your voice melted away every twelve year old image he had of you. The only girl he saw in his eyes was the current you and it was driving him insane.

“N-No.” He managed to say.

“Well…?” Your voice came out as a whisper and you continuously inched closer and closer towards Yoongi to the point where there was barely any breathing space between the two of you.

Yoongi could hear his heart thumping in his chest.

This can’t be okay... but... 

But he wanted it so bad.

“I—”

In the blink of an eye, Yoongi’s voice was cut off by the sudden gesture of your lips pressing against his. You had one of your hands secured around his nape and your other hand rested on the floor beside him, caging him against you.

Was he supposed to kiss you back? You weren’t backing away from him and your lips felt unbelievably soft against his. This wasn’t supposed to happen but… fuck it, it’s happening.

Yoongi reached out to cup your cheek and boldly moved his lips against yours. He felt your body flinch and prepared himself for you to stop, but you slipped your arms around Yoongi’s neck and deepened the kiss. You prodded your tongue into his mouth and Yoongi eagerly accepted the invitation.

The hand that cupped your cheek slid down to your waist. This movement prompted you to let out a quiet moan that rippled into Yoongi’s mouth, surprising him.

Yoongi broke the kiss and turned his head away from you. What the fuck am I doing?

It was your turn to cup his cheeks and make him lock eyes with you. Your eyes were clouded with lust, hypnotizing Yoongi to the very core.

“Uh oh. I want more.” You breathed.

Yoongi could barely grasp the situation, but he did know one thing. He also desperately wanted more.

“Shit.” Yoongi hissed and captured your lips once more, showing no hesitation in finding your tongue. He wanted to hear more of you, more of the same sweet moan you let out not too long ago.

You pushed the coffee table away with your foot, making room to adjust your body to straddle Yoongi. Within those movements, the kiss never broke. Yoongi’s desire blurred all of his senses. He was intoxicated by your taste and the animalistic desire to feel more of you. He rustled around and slipped his hands under your hoodie to properly touch your skin.

The touch was electrifying. You nipped at Yoongi’s bottom lip and tangled your fingers within his hair. The breathy moans that escaped your mouth as you kissed excited Yoongi even more. There was no way he could hide the excitement; goosebumps rose on his skin and each second that ticked on caused a tight feeling in his stomach and before he knew it—

“Hmm, what do we have here?” You broke the kiss and pressed your forehead against his own.

You gripped his shoulders and grinded your lower body against the hardened member. Yoongi winced and gripped your waist harder.

“Wa—Wait, y/n. Thi—This—ergh…” Yoongi could barely muster a sentence because you roll your hips and let out broken sighs against the shell of his ear. It was obvious how much you wanted him and it was also painfully obvious how much he wanted you, but he wasn’t sure how much farther he could go.

You tipped Yoongi’s chin up and he was made face to face with a not-so-innocent look on your face. Even with your dimples poking out, glasses at the tip of your nose, a glaze of lust swept across your face and Yoongi was losing all of his self control.

“Yoongi.” You purred. “I want you so bad.”

You showed no mercy in leaning back a little to reach down to touch Yoongi’s cock that was clothed behind his thin pair of athletic shorts. A quiet groan ripped passed his teeth at the feeling of your finger tips tugging down the waistband of his shorts and boxers.

“Y/n… ahh… what are we doing…” Yoongi could barely comprehend the words that fell out of his mouth because of the warmth of your fingers circle around his shaft.

“We are studying,” you sighed. “Studying each other.”

You slowly pumped your hand and Yoongi was at your mercy. He let out breathy whimpers and relocated his hands from your waist to your ass that was clothed behind a pair of silk shorts. If he wasn’t in such a haze, Yoongi would have assumed that you planned this from the start.

“Yeah?” Yoongi grunted, playing right into your hands. “Study harder.”

You smirked and leaned in to kiss Yoongi while giving him a hand job. He pushed his hands underneath your shorts to squeeze your ass. A delicious whine was earned and Yoongi wiggled his fingers beneath your panties until he felt wetness on his fingers.

“Heh, well what do we have here,” Yoongi mimicked your words and your movements abruptly stopped.

“Yoon—Yoongi…” you panted.

“Lift your hips a little.” He instructed and you obediently listened. When you lifted your hips, Yoongi had easier access to your dripping wet center.

You were trying hard to focus on your own hand movements, but Yoongi kept a steady pace sliding his finger against your clit and in between your folds. All you could do was chant Yoongi’s name into his ear and feel your entire body melt into his hands.

���Ahh… Yoongi, en—enough, please.” You begged and Yoongi obeyed, waiting for you to continue speaking. “Fuck me. Please fuck me.”

Yoongi felt his heart stop in his chest. Did you really ask…? He screwed his eyes shut and ripped his hands away from your center to rest on top of your thighs.

“Y/n, what you’re asking me… you do realize what you’re asking?” Yoongi asked, trying to hold a steady breath.

“I do.”

You tugged at Yoongi’s waist band to bring down his shorts just a bit further. His length sprung out and you instinctively licked your lips already anticipating what was going to happen next. Yoongi’s hands found home on your waist, just beneath your hoodie, and you propped yourself up on your knees. He gawked at the way you pulled aside your shorts and panties at the same time.

She’s so sexy…

You used your free hand to pump his cock a few times, lifting your finger to your mouth, sucking off a small layer of precum. Just as you did that, Yoongi widened his eyes realizing an important element.

“Y-Y/n, wait, stop!” He was once again in panic mode, startling you.

“Ugh, Yoongi, what--”

“I don’t have con-condoms…” Yoongi’s voice grew soft at the end.

Embarrassed? Fuck yeah, Yoongi was embarrassed. An attractive girl just came onto him, begging him to fuck her right then and there, and boom, he realized that he had no condoms in the apartment.

To be honest, he feared that you would ask him to just go without because there were many risks involved. He couldn’t do that to you.

“Oh,” You said softly.

Shit… I ruined the moment.

“It’s alright, Yoongi. I would never do it without one either, so it’s okay.” You stroked his cheek and smiled.

He let out a breath of relief. Thank God.

“But what are we going to do with this?”

Yoongi flinched at the touch of your warm hand grasping his shaft. You leaned in and left a trail of kisses from his cheek, the corner of his mouth, his jawline, and on against his neck. Sucking softly, Yoongi gripped your thigh and felt his body tremble. If you hadn’t noticed already, his neck was definitely a weak spot.

You seemed to enjoy getting him off, but Yoongi wasn’t going to let you leave the apartment without making you feel just as good as he was feeling at that moment. He swiftly grabbed your thighs and laid you down with your head resting on the throw pillow you were using earlier.

“Pull your panties to the side.” Yoongi commanded with a rough tone.

“Bu—But Yoongi—”

“Be a good girl and just trust me.”

Just like that, you did as you were told, spreading your legs a little to give Yoongi more room. He pressed the base of his cock against your entrance and slowly dragged it upwards, rubbing it against your clit. A strangled garble of his name left your lips and you covered your eyes with your forearm.

“Nghhh, Yoongi—”

He picked up his pace, turning you into a puddle of broken syllables. You continuously cried out his name, gripping the fabric of your shorts and panties. The sound of your voice turned Yoongi on even more and made him want to wring his neck for not having condoms in the apartment.

“Fuck, y/n, I want to be inside you so bad.” Yoongi grunted, pressing against you harder.

“Me—Me too, aghh, Yoon—gi—!” You revealed your face to him. Your eyes were a bit glassy and your cheeks had a beautiful flush across your cheeks. It was a sight that Yoongi never thought he’d ever see in his life.

The sound of his phone going off scared the shit out of him when he took a peek and found out it was Namjoon. He took his phone then glanced at you who looked confused as to why his movements began to slow down.

“Wha—”

“Shhhhhh.” Yoongi whispered. “Yeah, Namjoon?”

Your eyes widened and you covered your mouth with your hand.

“The flash drive on your desk?” Yoongi enjoyed the adorable look on your face as you tried to keep your voice down. It made him want to tease you. “What time does he go on air?” He resumed the pace he had in the beginning, roughly pressing his length against you and by the look in your eyes, you wanted nothing more than to let your voice out.

“Okay, just—hah—just wait a bit. I’ll be there—yeah, kay’ bye.” As soon as Yoongi hung up, you let out your voice in an instant.

“Fuck, Yoongi, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck!” You arched your back against the floor and raked your hand through your hair. He felt your thighs tremble and your breathing became jagged.

“You’re so fucking cute.” Yoongi chuckled and lifted your hoodie, revealing your stomach. Just like you, Yoongi let out a soft string of curses with your name mixed into it. He lifted himself up a couple of inches, placed a hand beside your head to steady himself and leaned forward, spilling his cum onto your stomach.

For a moment, the air was filled with the sound of both of you breathing and in the blink of an eye, the realization of what just happened hit Yoongi like a truck.

“Uh—uh, wait, I can—” Yoongi shimmied around to pull his waistband back up and staggered into the kitchen to retrieve something to wipe your stomach with.

Damn it, Yoongi. What happened to your self control?! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Without another word, Yoongi wiped you down with a damp cloth and avoided eye contact with you. What was he supposed to say at a time like this? Thank you? Let’s do it again sometime?

“You mentioned that Joon needs a flash drive or something?” You asked, slicing the silence into two.

“Yeah. He needs it to save the mix he mentioned earlier.”

“I can drop it off since I have to head out anyways.” You sat up once Yoongi rolled your hoodie back down. “He’s at the studio, right?”

“He is—are you sure, y/n? Because I can just go.”

The two of you stood up at the same time and you brushed down Yoongi’s shirt. On an impulse, he also straightened out your hoodie, pulling on the strings to make them the same length.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just text Joon on my way out.” Even if you just straightened out some of the wrinkles on his shirt, you gently tugged at his collar to bring him down to your height. In one quick motion, you stole another kiss; one on his cheek and another on his lips.

Yoongi was taken back but showed no hesitation in kissing you back. He patted your head and the two of you just stood there, gazing into each other’s eyes.

Nothing was going to be the same anymore and who knew what his relationship was going to be like with you at this point. And most importantly, if Namjoon caught wind of this, how would he react?! Yoongi had to keep this from Namjoon for a while, just until he figured out what was going to happen between you and him.

“Yoongi, are you free tomorrow? Anytime after five?” You were now cupping his cheek, asking him a simple question with the entire galaxy in your eyes.

“Hmm, yeah, I’m free. What’s up?”

“Do you mind coming by my place then? I still need some help with some math 103 stuff and…” you tippy toed to reach his ear. “I think you and I still have more studying to do, so be prepared.”

Yoongi’s heart thumped harshly in his chest. After what just happened, he couldn’t turn you down even if he tried.

“Oh...kay.”

You grazed his bottom lip with your thumb and he placed a small kiss right on the pad. Once again, you tugged his face down for a chaste kiss, making his head spin.

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow, Yoongi. I’ll grab Joon’s flash drive myself.” You stuffed your books inside your backpack and disappeared into Namjoon’s room.

The sound of the tv was drowned out by the thunderous noise of Yoongi’s heart beat. Two weeks ago, Yoongi refused to stay with you that night and now everything made a complete 180. You were no longer y/n, twelve year old girl and Namjoon’s baby sister. You were now y/n, a college freshman who had Yoongi instantly wrapped around your finger.

Just before you left the apartment, you waved at Yoongi and sent him a wink. The last thing he saw was your dimple and a pink tint at the top of your cheek. He put a hand to his face and the warmth was apparent.

What in the actual fuck.

-

-

-

♡ rae jagi

[like-the-wings-of-butterflies]

Watercolours (Queen x Artist!Reader)

Summary: Following a difficult few weeks you beg the boys to take you with them to Ridge Farm where they then discover a small secret of yours.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1,574 (No wonder it took me forever to write)

A/N: It’s 1:15am and this. was. exhausting. I’m posting a bit later then what I originally planned but as promised, it’s here. This one took a bit of a turn to what I started with but in the end, I think I’m fairly happy with it. Let me know what you think! ♡ (Not my gif)

When you heard Freddie, John, Brian and Roger were taking a road trip to the countryside to record their next album, you practically begged them to let you join. Not only so you could witness the boys create something extraordinary; a new era of Queen, but it also provided the opportunity to escape the recent painfully restless nights in London, where your small apartment felt the slightest bit too cramped for comfort. Your seemingly endless work and responsibilities leaving you tired and burnt out. With the suffocating feeling in your chest becoming far too strong, you knew you needed to step away from the busy world, even for a short while.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Please Freddie, I’m begging you.”

“Hmmmm...I’m not sure. John? What do you think, should we bring our little tyrant or leave her behind?” Freddie teases.

“I vote leave her behind.” He puffs

“Hey! Just because I’m good at stopping your fights does not make me a tyrant. If it weren’t for me you would’ve all killed each other by now.”

“Us? Fighting? Never.” Roger drawls, his tone equally as teasing as the other two. 

Brian sat in the background watching the situation unfold, lightly giggling at your exasperation. It was without question you were going. Even if you didn’t want to, they’d still find a way to convince you. It wasn’t as if they were oblivious to your moods over the past few weeks, it pained them to see you so stressed and exhausted and they knew that disconnecting was exactly what you needed. Plus it meant you all had some time to spend with one another, an occurrence that’d be becoming slightly more rare with their busy schedules. Simply, you needed them and they needed you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When the day finally came, you couldn’t contain your excitement for the whole journey. It was almost as if the second you stepped out of the car you felt instantly relieved of the pressures that had been troubling you for so long. After taking in a breath of fresh air studying your surroundings you then turned to the others, “Isn’t it beautiful?” After taking a drag of his cigarette Roger spoke up “I thought this was supposed to be a recording studio.” Clearly the boys weren’t as sold on the new setting as you were. Paul had shown you all to your rooms and told you to make yourself comfortable as recording would start in a few day’s time after everyone had settled in. The five days that followed were slow but still comforting. The new setting caused a shift in everyone’s attitude, provided an opportunity to take a load off and relish in the simple atmosphere.

Mainly you just settled into the new environment, making yourself familiar with the in’s and out’s of the place. Apart of course from the evening you and Brian decided to go for a walk together, getting caught in the rain and running back to the house, only to find that Roger had locked you out despite denying your claims. (Even though it was easily distinguishable from his howling laughter on the other side of the door). But soon enough, everything was set up and the boys were ready to start.

On the first day, Freddie insisted you stay next door and spend the morning taking a moment to yourself: “You’ve been stuck with us the past five days, at least take a hour or so to yourself.” He said. You realised he was right, the entire point of you going on the trip was so you could think through some things and figure out what to do next. As much as you enjoyed your time with the four, spending every waking moment with them somewhat defeated the purpose.

“Alright,” You smiled, “But you’ll be next door if I need you, yes?”

“Always Darling.”

Somehow they knew exactly what you needed, exactly when you needed. One thing the boys didn’t know about you however, was that you held a certain passion for art. Though you didn’t think of yourself much more then a hobbyist, your work said otherwise. Originally, you started out painting landscapes but as your friendship with Queen developed, you saw more enjoyment in painting them. They brought a new essence into your life, which then reflected in your work.

After settling down at the dining table with your supplies spread all over it, the small tin of watercolours making a quiet ‘clang’ as you placed them down, you flicked through the leather-bound folio. Knowing you had a couple hours on your own you made the bold choice to work on a few unfinished sketches from the last show you visited, it wasn’t as if anyone would see, you’d just have to pack up before noon when they came back for lunch. You didn’t exactly enjoy keeping your hobby a secret but you struggled to overcome the anxieties of not being good enough and kept your work solely for your eyes only. With your work station set, you began. You hand moved effortlessly across the paper, and the whirlwind of colours bled into one another. Each pencil and brush stroke placed with a calculated precision. A certain love and care that could only be highlighted through art.

Just as everything was going well, a heavy gust of wind blew though the open window, sending pages flying, scattering pencils and spilling the small dish of water you had out to clean your brushes. Cursing to yourself for not closing the window earlier, you hurriedly soaked up the water with a nearby cloth, hoping it hadn’t ruined any of your paintings and in the process; knocked your tea off of the table, thus resulting in the cup shattering on the hardwood floor.

“(Y/N)? Are you alright Love?” John’s voice called out, the barn door creaking as it opened and closed behind him.

“We heard something fall, just wanted to make sure you hadn’t hurt yourself.” Brian added.

“No no, I’m fine. I just spilled my tea is all. You can go back to recording, I can manage.”

As they turned the corner you held your breath hoping your body would block their view from the small disaster behind you.

“Well you look suspicious.” Brian said matter-of-factly.

“Everything’s fine, I’ll clean it up. No need to worry.” As you were speaking to Brian, in the corner of your eye you say John’s head tilt slightly to the side, your open sketchbook and art supplies now in his full view. A small smiles played on his lips, “Is that Fred?” He said, nodding toward a stray piece of paper.

“What? No, I mean yes,” In that moment you knew there wasn’t any redemption. Would they think it’s strange? Surely they would, otherwise you wouldn’t have hidden it for so long. The press taking photos is one thing but their friend using them as a muse without their knowledge is whole other ordeal in its own.

And at that moment, just like clockwork, Roger and Freddie walked in. “What’s going on?” The black haired male asked.

“(Y/N)’s an artist apparently, a bloody good one at that.” John said as he picks up some of the sketches you’d been painting over.

“No, that’s certainly not what’s happening, I umm-,” Although you knew it was already far too late, you scrambled for the loose pages that escaped your sketchbook, silently praying that they wouldn’t see any more then what they already had. Despite your efforts, each of the boys had already picked up various pieces and were studying each one in immense detail. The swirls of colour and carefully places lines depicted Freddie flaunting on stage, John and Brian deep in concentration during their respective solos, Roger twirling drumsticks in his hands and finally, the group taking their final bows at the end of the show. Each piece held a certain vibrancy that they hadn’t seen before.

“I never knew you saw us like this,” Roger breathes out in disbelief, holding the pages up to the light and studying them further.

You hesitated for a moment, but then spoke, “What do you mean? Of course I do, you’re my family.” You still felt shy but you spoke honestly nonetheless. “I can’t quite describe it but when you’re performing you’re just, in your element doing what you love. You’re all just so raw and so, you. I like trying to capture that.”

“What? When do you even-?” Freddie pressed.

Scratching the back of you head you went on, “I usually sketch while you’re performing and then I’ll paint that night after you’ve all gone back to your hotel rooms. It distracts me from my own thoughts I guess.” An uneasy silence filled the air. “These ones were from your tour in Sweden, I’ve been meaning to finish them for a while but never really got around to it. I know they’re not the best and doing this without you knowing is strange but-”

“Oh shut up.” Roger said, pulling you into a hug.

“They’re amazing,” John paused “We don’t want you thinking otherwise.”

“Especially with the way you go on when we’re feeling insecure about our playing.” Brian added.

“I only go on about it because you blatantly ignore you’re talented.” You interject, lightly pouting.

“And look who’s blatantly ignoring their own talent now,” Freddie smirks. “I’d even go as far to say you made me look too handsome.”

[anhed-nia]

I LOVE RAVENOUS MORE THAN YOU DO

RAVENOUS is one of my favorite movies of all time. It may not be the prettiest, or the deepest, or the most refined movie or all time, but it is a true original, and one that insinuated itself into my mental DNA from the moment I saw it. It arrived on home video around the time that I was about to leave for college, so it makes a certain amount of sense that it would have such a lasting impact on the rest of my adult life. I was initially attracted to the its excessive violence, its salt-in-the-wound humor, and its style of rustic perversion to which I was well-disposed since THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE first ruined my life as a teenager. But, there is more to RAVENOUS than these broad strokes descriptors, and looking back, it is easy to see how this unusual film catalyzed my ability to read films, and at the risk of being dramatic, my ability to understand myself.

(why does this movie only have awful posters?)

RAVENOUS is the only horror movie I can think of that takes place during the Mexican-American war, an unconventional setting that is the first sign of how truly odd this movie will be. Guy Pearce plays John Boyd, a soldier who is being celebrated for turning the tide of a major battle. The reality is that he survived the fray by hiding under a pile of his countrymen's corpses, bathing in their blood and viscera, until an unexplainable burst of rage drove him to capture the Mexican commanders, garnering him the undeserved mantle of hero. General Slauson (John Spencer) has Boyd's number, though, and ships the coward off to the impossibly remote mountain outpost of Fort Spencer, a sort of depot for undesirables like himself. No sooner has Boyd resigned himself to his fate, than the group's stasis is destroyed by the arrival of a wandering frontiersman (the incomparable Robert Carlyle) who claims to have escaped from a Donner Party-like tragedy. Naturally, their ingratiating guest turns out to be the villain at the heart of his own story, and worse yet, a carrier of the supernatural wendigo virus that rewards cannibalism with virtual immortality. The whole situation quickly devolves into a Darwian competition to sort out the predators from the provisions, seasoned liberally with analogies to Manifest Destiny and American consumerism.

Writer Ted Griffin's prismatic metaphors could be pretty clunky on their own, with cheeky comparisons between cannibalism and communion, and handy food-related quotations from founding father Benjamin Franklin. Happily, Antonia Bird's distinctive directorial style prevents RAVENOUS from degenerating into a broad-side-of-the-barn satire of American history. Griffin's overly familiar arguments act as stabilizing road signs, as the viewer navigates the otherwise hostile and alien territory explored by Bird. In the broadest sense, RAVENOUS is a movie about bodies out of control: cravings and terrors that annihilate one's self-control, that erode one's dignity, that blend repulsion and eroticism into a noxious but irresistible brew. The body wages war on the personality, the morals, the institutional rank and decoration; it wages war on other bodies, and ultimately on itself. Griffin the cultural critic has his place here, but it is Antonia Bird's unique understanding of frailty and hysteria that makes this movie so affecting.

RAVENOUS begins with a gloriously shocking opener that joins pornographic closeups of the celebratory steak served at Boyd's promotional dinner, with Boyd vomiting violently outside of the dining hall. The body is turned inside out right away in this movie, and this stunt is immediately followed by a similarly disorienting trick turned by the film's main theme. The experimental score, a collaboration between the great Michael Nyman and Damon Albarn from Blur, establishes its power with a composition that is written in 6/7 time, creating a rhythm that is very difficult to follow for the average ear. Thus the viewer is first nauseated by the imagery, then disoriented by the sound, and it is in this unsettled state that one remains for the rest of the film.

There are a number of such bizarre formal techniques to discuss, and they are well matched by Bird's management of her cast. Even for a horror film, RAVENOUS is an extremely physical movie. The terminally guilty Boyd seems to be on the verge of literal implosion; the squirrelly and barely verbal religious fanatic Toffler (Jeremy Davies) scrambles around breathlessly at a pace that puts him in danger of killing himself (which he finally nearly does); the only "real" soldier in the bunch, the nightmarishly aryan Private Reich (Neal McDonough), is first seen screaming half-submerged in a frigid mountain stream, suggesting that even the the conventional trappings of heroism are purely pathological here. Other characters are chronically drunk or high, struggling just to stay awake or walk a straight line. The radical loss of identity in which the organism transforms from a sentient being, into stew in a cauldron, almost seems like a natural eventuality of the abjection and loss of control suffered by everyone at Fort Spencer.

This moral and physical degeneracy, that is the status quo with Boyd and his cohorts, eventually contaminates the mind as well. When I first saw RAVENOUS, I was entirely ignorant of real artistry in film, and whether I knew it or not, my malnourished brain was in dire need of deviance from Hollywood norms of beauty and power. At that time, I was mainly accustomed to two approaches to human behavior in films: First, the James Bond model, in which characters only behave as if they have perfect foresight and complete control of their emotions and deliberation even in the face of catastrophe. I use "James Bond" as the most recognizable face of this hyperrationalism, but this approach pervades most mainstream films involving any kind of peril. How many times have you, the reader, had to sit through a screening in which some know-it-all picks apart the decisions and reactions of every character, as if it were reasonable to expect any person on either side of the screen to behave with robotic pragmatism regardless of their circumstances? But people do expect this from fictional protagonists on the whole. The second approach that I want to identify is mainly relegated to slasher movies; According to this model, characters are permitted to make the stupidest possible choices at every juncture, because the audience has a preexisting assumption that these victims will be sacrificed on the altar of our prudish morals, or simply for the vicarious enjoyment of the power wielded by a Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. What we rarely see in the mainstream, outside of the comedy genre, is shock, mania, hysteria, the loss of one's faculties that comes when one experiences a violent divorce from accepted reality.

Other than the aforementioned TEXAS CHAIN SAW, RAVENOUS was the first movie I had ever seen that addressed the neurological reality of trauma. Boyd's uncontrollable vomiting at the very beginning of the film is just a taste of Antonia Bird's mastery of this subject. She has ample opportunity to address this with her cast when the interloping cannibal "survivor" Colqhoun, first leads the unsuspecting Fort Spencer crew to the cave where he says the "real" cannibal is hiding out. Upon their arrival, Colqhoun throws himself into an alarming fugue state, apparently reliving the trauma of the nightmare from which he fled. He pants and gasps, smirks and grimaces, claws at the air and at the earth, as if to bury himself, effectively scaring the shit out of everybody. After he reveals his true intentions and massacres most of the crew before chasing Boyd and Reich off the edge of a cliff, another interesting neurological event transpires. At the bottom of the hole into which they have plummeted, with Reich's last spasm of life, he clamps his fingers around Boyd's throat  until his maniacal laughter turns into a death rattle. An even finer example comes after Boyd has returned to camp, having shamefully mended his wounds by dining on Reich's corpse as per the wendigo myth. Still recuperating, Boyd greets the arriving officers who are escorting the Fort's replacement commander--who turns out to be Colqhoun, now dressed neatly as the "Colonel Ives" on whom he blamed the cannibalistic murders of his fellow frontiersman. At the sight of this shocking enemy, Boyd pivots wildly and slams face first into the nearest wall, crumbling like a swatted insect on the floor and shaking uncontrollably.

These are some of the principle moments that won RAVENOUS my heart, and that really let me know what I was searching for in films. In fact, this movie was so formative for me that it led to a sort of impromptu ritual of breaking with my childhood. As with all cultists, my desperation to rope in everybody I knew intensified along with my obsession. I couldn't imagine that anybody would reject this beautiful and fabulously unusual work of art. I pulled a lot of wins, but I was in for a rude awakening where it should have counted. I refer to my "best friend" and "high school sweetheart" of about ten years, a guy who dominated my cultural life for almost as long as we were pals, since he was slightly smarter and had slightly better taste than our high school peers, but very little interest in having his mind expanded, as I eventually realized. When I showed him my new favorite movie of all time, I was brutally disappointed by his scoffing at every scene that I considered to be the movie's crowning accomplishments. He scrunched up his face and rejected Reich's murderous dying breath as "stupid" and "fucked up" and "making no sense". Today I'm not sure how hard I tried to explain that, look, we're talking about a character who is on the brink of death, whose final moments were in especially ugly combat, and who is really extremely brain damaged; more to the point, he really hates Boyd, the coward, and may have tried to kill him at some point even if he were fully possessed of his faculties. I mean, we're finally seeing something psychiatrically real here...aren't we? I got the same snotty dismissal from my viewing companion when Boyd went into shock at the sight of Ives--shock, a real acknowledged medical condition--and really during any scene that he considered too awkward and bizarre to be "cool" and heroic. It was at that very moment that I knew we wouldn't be friends for much longer, and we actually fell out of touch a few years later.

With that personal digression out of the way, though, I'd like to return to the cave (don't I always?) to discuss how Antonia Bird, her DP Anthony B. Richmond, and her editorial team work together to keep the audience in more or less the same state of discomfort and disorientation as the characters. RAVENOUS was also the first movie that taught me how to interpret the visual grammar of film, since I watched it so often that, eventually, I couldn't miss what was going on. Bird and co. have a way of distorting and compressing space that prevents the viewer from ever really knowing where you are. When the crew arrives at the low, carbon black mouth of the cave, there is a sense that it couldn't possibly be as deep as Colqhoun's story suggests (and in practical reality, it isn't). When Boyd and Reich creep inside, the tunnel plunges promptly into a weird homey sublevel where Colqhoun had been subsisting on his fellow travelers. This is sort of weird, but not as weird as what happens outside. When Colqhoun plunges into his fugue state, we see in it a sweaty, spittle-flecked closeup. His behavior spooks Toffler, who in his own closeup cowers against his commanding officer Colonel Hart (Jeffrey Jones, playing essentially the same character as in Deadwood). Colqhoun appears to stalk closer and closer to the camera, but how close is he to Toffler and Hart? We have no idea, until he circles back to the pit he just dug and then lunges through the air to plant a knife in Hart's abdomen, gutting him. Then, when Boyd and Reich give chase, there is a moment where Reich stares into the camera, giving Boyd an order. Boyd looks shyly into the camera before glancing off, suggesting that he flinches away from Reich's hateful gaze--but in the next shot, we see that Boyd is actually behind Reich, looking in a completely different direction. Part of me suspects that Bird and her crew were making the most of the small and somewhat sparse-looking patch of woods that they had for this scene, but it gets more interesting later on. As Colquhoun-now-Ives surreptitiously prepares a human stew back at camp, the permanently drunk Major Knox (Stephen Spinella, who seems determined to turn RAVENOUS into a balls-out comedy) shouts down the hysterical Boyd--all in closeup, so where are they? As it turns out, Ives is in one building, Knox stands in a passageway outside the door, and Boyd sits shackled in a separate building in the distant background. Finally, in Boyd's epic showdown with Ives, there is a fascinating moment in which Boyd saunters into the room, gazing staunchly ahead, ready to kill. Cut to Ives standing in front of a roaring fire, spinning neatly to face his adversary--but when we cut back to Boyd, we see that he is completely alone in the space. Shortly, Ives plunges through the ceiling behind him; they were never even on the same floor. RAVENOUS consistently leaves the viewer as disoriented and untethered as its characters are emotionally.

This battle itself harkens back to the movie's crucial focus on the often degrading and humiliating experience of piloting a human body. In both the James Bond and slasher movie models of movie behavior that I previously discussed, a climactic showdown should be fast-paced, furious, with impressive feats of athleticism by the combatants. Not so in RAVENOUS. The final scene is accompanied by an eight-and-a-half minute minimalist trudge through hell by Nyman and Albarn that never threatens to raise your blood pressure with stings or arias. The music perfectly matches this sluggish fight between two men whose bodies have been repeatedly destroyed and recreated. Their weapons are a letter opener, a meat cleaver, a pretty substantial log, and finally, a massive bear trap. The conflict is no clash of the titans, no beautiful realization of the full potential of male aggression. It is gruesome, tragic, and in some way, romantic.

I would be remiss if I failed to dig in to the eroticism of this movie. Like all vampire movies, there is a virgin and a seducer, a victim who calls their lack of worldliness dignity, and a predator who sees chastity as a shameful waste of life. RAVENOUS is one of at least three movies that Antonia Bird made about the unique relationships between men in traditionally male situations. Her heist movie FACE has been compared to HEAT, though I am really thinking of the incendiary drama PRIEST. In this, her impressive directorial debut, a young man of the cloth struggles with the disturbing intrusion of sex into his chaste life, be it in the lives of deviant clergyman, or abused child parishioners, or in his own struggle with homosexuality. Robert Carlyle plays the unhappy lover left out in the cold, drifting down the street on a skateboard like a hovering ghost, trying to convince the eponymous character that love is greater than its stingy biblical proscription. While there are no literal love scenes in RAVENOUS, it takes place in a similar world, made up almost only of men--men who are brothers in arms, who look after each other's souls and bodies, and who even consume each other's bodies, who gain strength from one another by breaking the ultimate taboo. The closing image, of Boyd and Ives pinned chest to chest by the bear trap, bleeding to death in each other's arms, remains for me one of the tenderest images in all of horror cinema.

I would like to close by asserting that Bird's deft exploration of male sensitivity is nowhere more powerful than in her direction of David Arquette, the unlikely shining star of RAVENOUS. The often intolerably wacky comedic actor plays Private Cleaves, an absolute reject from society who (barely) functions as the help around Fort Spencer. He and George (Joseph Runningfox), one of two Native American appendages to the crew, are consistently high out of their minds, which may make them look like fools, but it also designates them as being the most wisely in touch with the genuinely hopelessness of their situation. When George is slaughtered by Colqhoun, Cleaves is left all alone tending the Fort, and he has a few scenes of powerful vulnerability before his inevitable demise. In between two key plot beats, we find Cleaves and George's sister Martha (the quietly wonderful Sheila Tousey) standing together in the snowy yard, observing the new commanding officer's arrival. What should be a forgettably dry piece of exposition concludes with Cleaves instinctively turning to Martha and stroking her hair, which causes both of them to dissolve in tears. In an adjacent scene, Boyd watches through the window as the agonizingly bereaved Cleaves chops wood in the yard, alone. Cleaves, certainly intoxicated, weaves and sweats, giggling in an unnervingly forced manner to try to resurrect the perpetual good time that he once enjoyed with his murdered best friend. The scene dissolves into a fantasy in which Boyd gives in to his mounting cannibalistic urges and eviscerates Cleaves--throughout which Cleaves laughs and laughs with escalating insanity. It is difficult to convey the raw force of the sequence in words, so I will just say this: Early this year, I dared to point out that among the many strange virtues of STARSHIP TROOPERS is the fact that terminal screwball Jake Busey is so warm, so funny, and so emotionally available in that movie that it almost throws off the deliberately boneheaded artificiality of the entire rest of the cast. So, I would just like to conclude that, if your movie involves somebody from EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS or Shasta McNasty, and you get that person to provide you with one of the most sensitive performances in the whole show, you're probably doing something right.

[asweethistory]

Castles of the Loire Valley

Devil’s Food Chocolate Cider Ice Cream with a Strawberry Syrup Swirl 

I Ate a Baguette at Bluebeard’s Castle (written for my Food Memoir Class)

I

We set up outside the crumbling battlement, on the banks of the La Crûme river. It was overcast, but not raining, although the tall and thick dark green grass was damp from some morning drizzle. The students spread out, and my best friend, Rachael, and I got comfortable, resting on a slight hill. Opening up the bags our host mom had handed us earlier that morning, we found one long baguette, some cheese, a tomato accompanied by two tiny salt packets, a small orange, and a full-size lavender-wrapped Milka chocolate bar. Even though neither of us actually ate the tomato, since being American we weren’t prepared to even conceptualize eating one as if it was an apple, I can taste the salt and acid as if I did. We knew our lunch made everyone else with their simple sandwiches jealous.

We crunched on baguette ends, watching white swans swim slowly past us. Trees hung towards the water, their branches doing what I wished I could do with my limbs. It couldn’t have been much more than 60 degrees, but the cool grass, low breeze, and gentle water made me feel like it was a carefree summer day. I wanted to roll down hill into the swatches of green and blue.

Our backdrop was Bluebeard’s castle, Château de Tiffauges; partly in ruins, it was situated less than an hour drive from our home base, Nantes, France. It didn’t seem anymore formidable than any other medieval castle in the countryside, but in 15th century France, Gilles De Rais, who is more commonly referred to as Barbe-Bleue, bluebeard, did many horrible things within its walls. Before lunch, we took a tour of the castle that focused on the preservation of medieval war machines, archery games in which we didn’t take part, and a short silhouette animation, which briefly explained, in terms appropriate for a younger age range, Bluebeard’s barbarism.  So we were able to lunch with no real sickly feelings.

Years later, I learned Bluebeard had been a knight who had fought in the same battles against the English as did Joan of Arc, had been awarded Marshal of France, and became incredibly reckless with his fortune. He built his own chapel and produced a 20,000-line play that required 500 extras, the costs of which necessitated the sale of some of his properties. Bluebeard sought to learn about alchemy and evocation, the art of rousing spirits, in order to save the state of his finances. After many failed attempts to summon a demon named Barron at the 12th century Château de Tiffauges, Bluebeard offered a child as sacrifice. A trial in 1440 revealed that Bluebeard had begun assaulting and murdering children during the spring of 1432. For eight years, Bluebeard, with the help of his cousin and body servants, abused, wounded, decapitated, disemboweled, and burnt the remains of over 100 children. Only under the threat of torture did Bluebeard confess. Charged with murder, heresy, and sodomy, Bluebeard was executed by hanging and burning.

As an eighth grader, I was bused up to the gates of the castle centuries later. This was the first excursion we took in the ten days we had in the country. By selling pizza and bags of chips, we students had raised half the money we needed to go on the trip. This journey to France was the first of three similar trips I’d take with my school between eighth grade and high school graduation. Each one brimmed with memories, but this first one, spent mainly in and around Nantes, included many independent firsts: First mushroom galette eaten outside on a cobblestone street, first Moroccan meal at a restaurant that included lemon sorbet served in the shell of the largest lemon I had ever seen, and first time experiencing a five-course meal.

II

This extraordinary meal, a couple days after the visit to Bluebeard’s castle, concluded our trip to Clisson, a picturesque town with a lovely river, parks, and Gothic architecture. We were told to meet at 5 p.m. at the fancy restaurant, and in the time before that a group of us left to explore. Rachael and I, a couple other friends, and French teacher-turned-chaperone stopped for lunch at a place with a balcony overlooking the water. We all ate spaghetti alla carbonara and drank cider purchased by the chaperone, who explained that it hardly had alcohol in it. Then we went off on our own — walking under bridges, crossing lime green trimmed lawns, and brushing up against climbing lilac wisteria. My modest point-and-shoot camera failed at capturing the light, sunshine, and subtle warmth of the day.

We passed by the 13th century Château de Clisson. Old looking but prettier than Bluebeard’s, we knew nothing of it, but its presence seemed to follow us wherever we walked. Perhaps its palpable aura was due to Jeanne de Clisson, whose third husband, Oliver de Clisson IV, was the wealthy owner of the Château bearing his name. Jeanne is rumored to haunt its grounds. After Oliver was executed without publicly demonstrated evidence, Jeanne decided to come after the French King. She not only raided castles, massacring those who resided there, but she also employed three warships, whose flagship, black with red sails, was named My Revenge. As a pirate, Jeanne, known as “The Lioness of Brittany,” hunted French ships, burned French villages, and aided British forces. All I knew though, lying beneath her castle’s gates as the waters of La Sèvre Nantaise passed languidly below, was peace.

Just as the sun was setting, we joined the rest of the students outside of a two-story stone home. As we waited the boys plucked snails off a low wall and taunted us. “This is going to be our dinner,” they said. “They harvest them right here. Why don’t you try one now?” Dinner did include escargot, my first, but it also included shrimp in puff pastry, a vegetable pasta dish, salad, a cheese course, and dessert, which for me was a large individual serving of crème brulee. Rachael had a whole apple tart to herself, although the crust was very, very thin. It was difficult to walk back to the bus.

III

The next day was lighter. Traveling west towards the coast, we reached Pornic, a seaside village. Clear water lapped at the stone walls beneath us, as I licked a cone of the freshest strawberry sorbet from a roadside stand. The smooth pink was refreshing and cooling, although the day wasn’t particularly hot. There was a sense of excitement being so close to water for us land-locked teenagers from New Mexico. The town itself was refreshing in a way, then, and our experience was continuously sweet. At a small restaurant nearby, my friends studied a menu that had no English translations. I could only pick out one ingredient on the crêpe list: pomme de terre, which means potato but literally translates to apple of the earth. The language barrier held firm and instead of the expected potato-filled pancake, Rachael and I received crêpes filled with hot cinnamon-scented apples. As eighth-graders, though, we of course welcomed dessert for lunch.

Continuing our exploration of the town, we walked the opposite direction from Château de Pornic, a symbol of the town closed off to visitors. We were more interested in the twisting and turnings of the old city’s streets anyhow. Originally built to defend the port, for a time, the castle was also known as Château de Barbe Bleue, one of Bluebeard’s many properties. It was in his procession until the time of his trial when it was confiscated. Its next owner, a lord, also lost the castle, this time due to the French Revolution. It lay in disrepair until the 19th century, when the architect François Bougoüin restored the building in the more Italianate style of Jeanne’s Château de Clisson. Having wandered a while, we stopped for something to drink. Outside of a bar with the castle high up in the distance, I tried, much to the horror of those around me, diabolo menthe, a bright emerald peppermint soda. It tasted exactly like toothpaste in the most enjoyable way. Another first, in another town with an enigmatic antique castle.

[inknerd]

May Wrap-Up 2019

I’ve had so much to do this month; reading wasn’t really my first priority^^ Still, the last week I took the time to catch up to reading, and I read a lot of books I’ve wanted to read for awhile, and I feel like I’ve read a variety of books from ya to poetry to nonfiction, so that’s fun!

POETER TÄNDER BARA LAMPOR by EMILY DICKINSON (translation by ANN-MARIE VINDE) ★★★☆☆

| 130 pages | 3 weeks to read | Published 2017

So this is a collection of some of Dickinson’s poetry, who I haven’t read anything of so this was fairly exciting! It had both the English version and the Swedish translation together with notes from the translator, and so it took me awhile to read... + The more I read the more I liked it? I’m very happy the Swedish translation was available, because sometimes I just didn’t get what Dickinson was writing until I read it in Swedish and then reread the English one again. - With that said, I don’t think I will read any more of Dickinson soon. It was good but not really my kind of poetry.

DISORDER IN COURT: GREAT FRACTURED MOMENTS IN COURTROOM HISTORY by CHARLES M. SEVILLA ★★☆☆☆ | 256 pages | 1 day to read | Published 1992

You might have seen the funny tumblr post about this one. I did, was intruiged but waited to buy it until my friend told me she planned to study law. I saw the opportunity, bought it, read it, and then gifted it to my friend. + So some of these stories were hilarious, and it just shows how silly humans are even in serious situations like being in court for a crime. - Unfortunately, I didn’t find it as funny as I thought I would? Some things flew over my head because lawyer lingo/a bit more complicated English, sometimes it took some time before I got the joke and then it’s not as funny, y’know? Also, some of the jokes were quite dated. 

A VERY LARGE EXPANSE OF SEA by TAHEREH MAFI ★★★★★ | 310 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2018

So I was excited for this one, and then people seemed to have mixed opinions on it (not disliking it, just not loving it as much as they’d expected to) so I waited until it came to my local library and then finally started reading it. And I LOVED IT! + PEAK ROMANCE! The main relationship is so cute and heart-wrenching, I wasn’t annoyed at Shirin’s family which is usually the case for me with more contemporary/romance-styled novels. This book had an important story to tell and it succeded in my opinion. - Idk, can’t come up with something totally obvious but I’d hoped for a more closed ending rather than the more open one I got.

CHILDREN OF BLOOD AND BONE by TOMI ADEYEMI ★★★☆☆ | 544 pages | +2 weeks to read | Published 2018

So I finally read this book! I’ve been sort of struggling with if I should give this three or four stars but in the end... *sweat drop emoji* I feel like I might have hyped this up a bit too much in my head. But in the end it was an enjoyable read and the reason it took my a while to read it was because I was busy, not necessarily that I found it boring. + i loved the worldbuilding, the magic system was interesting and it was explained in a way that didn’t feel forced. - The romance was...not overly good and the ending was...meh. And while the worldbuilding and so on made the story more spectacular the general plot was nothing special.

AVENGERS: DESTINY ARRIVES by LIZA PALMER ★★★☆☆ | 304 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2019

So this is basically Avengers: Infinity War in bookform, and I ordered because I wanted to read it before Endgame came out. Sadly! It showed up on the day of the premiere and I just skimmed through it the first time. Now I read it more carefully and, yeah, it was basically what I expected. + So most of it was just like in the movie, but the artistic take Palmer did on the characters thoughts and emotions during the battle was very interesting to read! And the illustrations were very nice too! - I can’t confirm this without checking the movie (and I don’t have the time) but some small things I remember being slightly different. Just small things, but considering it’s a book of a movie I feel justified in being somewhat picky.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: HIGHER, FURTHER, FASTER by LIZA PALMER ★★★★☆ | 246 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2019

Bought this at the same time as Destiny Arrives, because the cover just looked so pretty and the premise looked cool! + This was a surprisingly refreshing read. Some of the things Palmer came up with herself in Infinity War really resonated with me, and here she has the chance to come up with things on her own without being restrained by a movie (this book happens way before the movie Captain Marvel). It felt like this book had some important things to say. - I wished this book stretched longer, if so only to touch more on the story of Carol becoming Captain Marvel - but at the same time I was fine with how the book ended.

THE PRINCESS SAVES HERSELF IN THIS ONE by AMANDA LOVELACE ★★★★☆ | 156 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2016

This was a reread for me! I’ve worked with poetry together with my students this past month and I was motivated to read this again after seeing that the third collection in this series came out not too long ago. I reread this mainly because I wanted to see if my feelings on it had changed, and was pleased to see that they hadn’t! It’s still an interesting read. 

I plan to reread the second one as well before I buy the third one!

THE TRAVELLING CAT CHRONICLES by HIRO ARIKAWA ★★★★☆ | 256 pages | 5 days to read | Published 2012

+ This is one of those books were you know what will happen, yet it still carries enough emotional impact that you cry when it ends. Reading from a cat’s perspective was very interesting and overall, this was such a nice read!

KVINNOR I KAMP: 150 ÅRS KAMP FÖR FRIHET, JÄMLIKHET OCH SYSTERSKAP by MARTA BREEN & JENNY JORDAHL ★★★★☆ | 119 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2018

This is a graphic novel depicting some of the history of the women’s rights movement. + The art was nice and they choose to include not only stories from Sweden and the west but also other parts of the world, which was great.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING by WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE ★★★☆☆ | 175 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2011/1598

My reading of Shakespeare’s plays continue! I remember watching the movie from ‘93 with Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh in class and really liking it! So when it came to choose the next play this is one I really wanted to read. + Beatrice and Benedick is so funny and charming, this made me want to rewatch the movie! - Outside of Beatrice and Benedick it was a pretty classic, background Shakespearian story going on, that was interesting but not as much as forementioned.

CRAZY RICH ASIANS by KEVIN KWAN ★★★☆☆ | 467 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2013

Finally read this! I wanted to see the movie since I’d heard so many good things about it, but it turned out netflix didn’t have it... I might watch it some other time, though! + I really flew through this. The descriptions of the luxury all around the characters was so much fun to read and the story had so many colourful characters to cling to. I might continue on with this series! - Despite getting through this very quickly, there were definitely parts full of information that I wasn’t interested in reading. I also expected this to be way funnier than it was. For some reason I was under the impression this was a sort of romance-comedy but while some things were funny (or, absurd?) it didn’t really meet my expectations. Some things about the romance parts didn’t click with me, either.

THE POET X by ELIZABETH ACEVEDO ★★★★☆ | 361 pages | 1 day to read | Published 2018

+ I liked that it was written in verse and I liked the story in itself... I don’t know what more to say.

TIGER LILY by JODI LYNN ANDERSON ★★☆☆☆ | 292 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2012

I’d heard shifting opinions on this one, but decided the premise sounded too interesting to not give a chance. I liked this book well enough, by the end, but it was far from a new favourite. + and - The reasons I liked it was also the reasons I disliked it. I liked some characterisations or aspects of them, and disliked some of them. I found the mix between Neverland and the real world somewhat confusing and wished the author would’ve either sticked more the original story or less, if that makes any sense. As far as Peter Pan-retellings go, I think this was interesting, still.

VIPER by BEX HOGAN ★★☆☆☆ | 400 pages | 2 days to read | Published 2019

This was is a brand new ya fantasy trilogy that I probably won’t continue reading... + While the first half of the book was pretty boring and predictable the second half was way better. I liked the main character the best in the middle of the book, same with the romance. - As mentioned, the start of the book was pretty lackluster. The main character seemed pretty meek considering the circumstances, the romance was bleh and the plot unoriginal. This book had several things that I’ve seen before over and over again and it didn’t work too hard on making them seem different than normal. Overall this story lacked any real depth.