#and I guess I AM staying up til 1am again this week

[weewoo911]

911blr waiting for 7x05

[divagonzo]

So my life did a 180 in the last 24 hours

Under the cut for those not interested.

CW: mentions of death @anotherdayforchaosfay knows the story already.

Everything was dandy fine ‘til Sunday morning. She was puny, not feeling well, uncomfortable, and the biggest one? Not eating - when she eats like a Dragon daily.

So my feral cat Bobbi had her litter of kittens last Monday night. 6 little ones. I kept my distance, observing from afar (she is highly protective of them!) and tended her as I could.

Hubs and I went back and forth on what to do - emergency vet clinic *and paying out the wazoo!* or wait ‘til Monday.

We waited. I called. I got her in before 8 am (which they stay busy on Mondays.)

Getting her into the carrier was a fight & she wanted to inflict serious injury on me - but I got her in eventually.

Vet called later and mentioned needing permission to lightly sedate her to assess her because she was so frantic and panicked. I said sure.

They assessed her and said she had Mastitis (inflammation and infection) in one of her nursing teats. So they were going to give her fluids, a long-lasting antibiotic, and a pain reliever.

I got her home around 5 and saw she was still uncomfortable, a bit dazed, and not hungry. Vet said that might happen but call them if she hadn’t had food in 24 hours.

So I crashed on the couch at 10, intending to get a cat nap before a 1am feeding.

Bobbi woke me howling at 12pm. I rushed to her and saw she was struggling to breathe. I did chest compressions. I wrapped her up trying to get her upright for ease of breathing. I even did CPR.

The downside was that the kittens were to be bottle fed from them on. They didn’t need any pain meds in their little systems. I agreed even if it meant weeks of little to no sleep nights tending the rascals.

Nothing worked. 

She died in my arms at 12:15am.

I woke the husband up to tell him but also was needing to stay up to feed the now-orphaned kittens. I did and also took a moment to set Bobbi accordingly (wrapped in a towel) so I could bury her later in the morning when I could see well enough to not cut my own foot off with a shovel.

Fortunately having pocket friends around the world helps quite a bit. Twitter was told first because I didn’t think anyone on my list on Tumblr had the spoons to listen.

I got a cat nap from 2 to 4:30am which the husband was uncomfortable still trying to give them a feeding. OK. Sure. So I got them nursed again and told him I was going for another nap.

Woke at 7:15 for their 7:30am feeding.

I ordered more vital supplies and after watching the kittens settle into a milk drunk sleep, I tended Bobbi. Then I called the Vet’s office to speak with them and the vet and make what happened known. 

The vet and I have ideas and suppositions but without any concrete evidence, it’s all guesses. I hate guessing why. It could have been a stroke or seizure or even allergy to one of the meds. Who knows? My mom thinks it was a reaction to the antibiotics. 🤬

So now I have six munchkins that are 8 days old and in need of round the clock tending and care (*including one that is a fighter in the smallest by a big margin yet keeps up with the siblings. That one gets feedings every 2 hours; the bigger ones every 3.)

For those asking, they are getting Kitten Milk replacement, not actual milk. They are getting proper tending care (verified all of it with the Vet) and checking them every 2 hours to make sure they don’t need anything. (And kinda hard to miss them since their “nest” is a big plastic bucket, on top of an electric blanket on high running pretty much non-stop since this started (to keep them much, much warmer!), with proper bedding for them (and tall enough so they can’t climb out yet.) They have 2 socks filled with Rice to also help thermoregulation and Hubs is bringing home a Snuggle Kitty with heartbeat to help with the anxiety they are showing a little bit (and a heating pad included for them, too.)

I’ll have to get more powdered KMR in a day or two but that’s fine. While I would rather them have their Mom, I’ll do everything I can to see them make it to the 8 week mark. 

[princess-havok]

So about the Dreamcar show

Y’all, so much happened. 

In bullet form for readability/it’s 1AM and I have work in the morning because I’m an adult.

Pre-show

I got there like 45 minutes after doors opened because my days of lining up mega early for shows are over.

That’s a lie

I just had to work til 5 and it was raining all day so I didn’t wanna sit outside anyway

So I walk into the venue, and??? It’s so empty??? Like what the fuck??? I went to the bathroom, which is wayyyyyyy at the back and in the basement, I hate getting to it during packed shows because you CAN’T MOVE. That venue is not safe and there are not enough exits BUT ANYWAY.

When I got back upstairs I went to the merch table and bought a tank top

Warning if you see Dreamcar: it fits weirdly small???

But I love it

Also they didn’t do that thing I hate when bands jack up prices by like $10 because of the conversion rate.

It’s $35 online and I paid $35CAD.

Joke’s on you that’s only like $20US

Help our dollar is a fucking joke

Then I went to the stage and despite the opening band staring imminently I was only two people from the front???

Superet

I mean, I don’t know if I would go seeking out their music but they were really fun and had fantastic energy. The lead singer kept making eye contact with people in the front and it was slightly awkward but also endearing as hell. I kept getting distracted during their set because I decided most of the rest of the band looked like other people

The keyboard player looked so much like Jamison Covington from JamisonParker

Does anyone remember them? They had like one album in maybe 2005 and I loved it

But it’s so emo

Listening to it now is like??? Was my world ever that dark? Damn son.

The drummer looks just like a dude I went to high school with and played in Concert Band with

But it is not.

That dude is a DJ now though

The percussionist lowkey reminded me of what’s his face from Cabin in the Woods... the stoner one. 

Cabin in the Woods is a great movie

Dreamcar

I mean is it any surprise that they’re great live? All of them have been performing for so long so like... they know their shit. But there’s a lot happening all at once, it seems like. You’ll maybe see when I post my video of All Of The Dead Girls once it finishes uploading to YouTube. But I guess it’s partly because Tom, Adrian & Tony are so used to playing together but sometimes it’s like there’s their show happening and then there’s Davey being Davey around them and it is a lot.

Someone yelled “You’re good!” between songs and it got a good laugh out of Davey who was like, “I’m glad you think so???”

Like what an odd thing to say???

The other three have mastered the art of keeping Davey on topic

If he sounds like he’s about to go off on a tangent just start the next song it’s great

“If only that would work during interviews,” I’m sure Jade/Adam/Hunter is muttering to himself in the distance

They covered Don’t Change and it was amazing, I wanted to get a video of it but it was such a different (more upbeat) version I didn’t even clue in on time lmao

During the bridge of Kill For Candy, Davey and I shared a moment during the first “Let it dissolve on your tongue” and it was magical

Post-show

It rained literally the entire day here, so when I walked out of the venue and it wasn’t raining anymore I thought, y’know what, I’m gonna stick around for a bit, try my luck meeting these dudes. But only until 11:00. That’s my cut-off. I’m a responsible adult.

This is a lie

It’s cute that I believed it though

Also it was still raining but it was a very fine mist so it wasn’t that bad

This is also a lie it was terrible and my hair went to shit

There were like 25 people waiting, at the peak of it. After about an hour, some people had left so there were maybe 20 or so. Not bad at all, right? About half of those were No Doubt faithful, who seemed to be a very tight-knit group who all knew each other from various No Doubt events and trips and stuff. They were super nice and -- bonus! -- most of them couldn’t be fucked about Davey. But we did talk about the show, how awesome it was, and the fact that Davey is secretly jacked was mentioned -- not even by me!!! And most of them agreed that a) it should’ve been a longer set and b) they should’ve covered some No Doubt because Davey singing I’m Just A Girl would be delightful.

Somebody made the joke that the guys snuck out past all of us and were probably on the public transit bus that went by

“But then they’ll get to Sherbourne station and get shanked.”

If you know Toronto at all you know that’s probably true

If there was anywhere in this city where a repeat of “what are you gonna do about it, pink shoes?” was gonna go down it’s motherfucking Sherbourne St.

Finally at around 11:15 or so, security & tour management came out and set up a barricade by the bus, telling us all to line up in twos. Ok cool. We did. 

Tom came out first and the orderly line went to shit because he just like, walked right out to chat and take pictures and sign autographs. I was trying to stay near the barricade and missed him entirely. Oops. 

Tony came out next and did the same thing, but actually on my side. I got a picture with him and he signed my ticket.

 Adrian stayed by the barricade but was very chatty with people. I also got a picture and autograph from him.

All of them seemed to like, know some of the No Doubt die hards who were there and I think that’s so cool, they’ve always seemed like this huge, untouchable band to me but they’re so cool with their fans

All three of them got on the bus, and because of the No Doubt fans stepping back I was pretty much at the barricade. The tour manager came back and asked who we were still waiting for so of course were like, obviously Davey. So then came the new instructions:

Single file lineup please (I ended up third, so cool)

No photos

This is 900% ok I’ve seen my pictures with Adrian & Tony I know what I look like

I’ve been standing in the rain for two hours I look like I live in garbage and a family of raccoons have been living in my hair for the winter

No hugs either

Also fine because who honestly wants to hug a bunch of damp strangers???

Just a chat, an autograph, and keep the line moving

Awesome, we’re grown ups, we can do this

Oh shit now I have to think of something to say

So then Davey appears in that long hoodie/cloak... thing... which I SHOULD have asked where he got it because I love it but obviously I think of things to say after the fact, so whatever. He was really chatty and smiling at everyone and it was so nice. The first two conversations happened as I was trying not to awkwardly stare at Davey. I’m not gonna be the one who makes it weird.

This is also a lie

I don’t think I made it weird though

When it was my turn, he asked how I was and I said “amazing” because I was, and the teenage version of me fainted then and there, she was not at all prepared for this moment.

I might’ve rattled off something about how his music, whether AFI or Blaqk Audio or Dreamcar or any other project, has been such a big part of my life for almost half my life now, so thank you and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without it

I don’t think that was weird

It was true, too

“Thank you, I hope that’s a good thing.”

I mean.

Obviously.

So I said it’s absolutely a good thing, thanked him again, and mentioned I would see him in like 3 weeks (!!!) for some AFI shows. 

‘Cause y’know. He’ll remember.

And then I walked back to the subway and went home, 18-year-old me screaming internally.

tl;dr I saw Dreamcar, they were amazing, I finally met Davey Havok after 15 years.

[chasing-rabbits]

Update:

So on Monday my Grandma went in for her chemotherapy only on the way there she got very ill so they took her to get checked out as opposed to being taken for chemo. I guess things weren’t going as good as we thought. She only got diagnosed with cancer about a month ago & when she started her chemo shortly after we were originally told they thought she had between 6 months to 2 years to live. But then after the chemo started it was looking as if it’d be closer to the 2 year estimate as opposed to 6 months but either way we would likely be able to visit her this year so long as the borders were open for travel. As her and my Granddad are in Spain they have lived there for some years now ever since I was young. But now they are saying basically she could go at any point they’ve pretty much put her into a medication induced sleep aka coma I mean my Granddad saw her after his dialysis on Monday the nurses took him down to the ward where she was staying but she was not at all conscious they told him she could hear him if he spoke he doesn’t think she can but who knows. But the pain was so much for her I guess they’ve put her on a ton of morphine/pain meds, knocked her out to make her more comfortable and put her on a drip but they aren’t feeding her not even via a tube or anything. I guess it’s essentially a death by starvation albeit a painless one it’s pretty much a way of saying she’s in too much pain to be conscious and assisted death is illegal so we’re going to give her enough medication to take away her pain and let her pass as peacefully and painlessly as possible because I guess the cancer’s spread too far and done too much damage. It was in her lymph nodes and we do know it’d definitely spread from her jaw to them and down to her lungs and liver. It is just we all thought we’d have 6 months at least and definitely at least 6 months given initially it seemed the chemo was working but I guess that is the thing with cancer it can be very unpredictable and I guess especially so when it is in the lymph nodes it could’ve spread else where and the chemo maybe just wasn’t enough it was maybe too little too late as they took too long to diagnose/test her.

Right now I don’t really know how to feel I had a little cry like once my mum told me as soon as I got out of her room and half way down the stairs I had a little cry & then picked myself up. I had Kade there to give me a hug and comfort me. Right now I guess it’s still kicking in that this is really happening I feel like this is just all so surreal I’m just sort of sat here when I found out the news yesterday after I cried I later ended up hitting my hand and to prevent myself hurting myself further I got a plastic cup and just smashed that up on the desk. Then my dad took me out to go get some food shopping. I just needed to get out of the house and find something to keep me busy so I went to the shops I was gone for about an hour and a half & then I came home and made food for Kade, me & mum, my dad wasn’t hungry and my brother had gone out to play in the brass band he’s in. They recently resumed practice again & so he wasn’t around but he’d already eaten. Then I sat up all night binge watching this show I’d been watching for the past week anyways. I had some more food my favourite pasta and some chocolate and stayed up til the early morning. I was already like my sleeping was already backwards every now and again I get my sleeping fixed for like a week or two then something happens and I‘ll end up awake all night and asleep all day so it wasn’t the news that had me up all night necessarily but I definitely couldn’t sleep I can’t really just stop I’ve always been like that when I’ve been depressed or struggling i have to keep my mind occupied on something, anything. I can’t just stop it’s why I can’t just lay in bed and try to sleep or my mind will be inundated with all the thoughts I spend my days trying so hard to shut out & if I lay there for too long I just end up worse off mentally & more anxiety filled & stressed out cos I couldn’t sleep. t’s 1am here and it’ll probably be another sleepless night but hopefully I will be able to fix my sleeping pattern because I don’t think it’ll be helping me that I’m up at night as that can often be a trigger for my moods to take a downturn idk just I think personally cos it’s harder to keep yourself distracted at night everyone’s in bed and I guess just the darkness it’s no longer a comfort it’s just this big black hole consuming me. And now it’s summer the day time can do a lot for my mental health the summer sun and all the birds we get to see and nature around us as my parents live on old farm land...you know it’s just a lot nicer I mean the night time is calm and serene at times but yeah being up during the summer being able to go out for walks which I recently started doing as my Occupational Therapist recommended it. I am missing going out for walks now that I’m completely sleeping in later than usual today rather than being up around 3/4pm like usual I on and off slept til 6pm although I did wake up earlier in the morning around 11 and was awake for a little bit before I went back to bed. Idk at this point I’m rambling but then again me spilling all this out on here is just another way for me to fill the time and keep my mind busy so the thoughts don’t settle down and make themselves at home inside my mind.

[sukunussy]

i've been thinking a lot about actually using this for some personal writings because i feel like writing it all down might be helpful. i don't know if i believe in journalling or blogging or whatever but i'm sick of just venting to my friends about the same shit over and over and over again so i guess i might as well give it a shot. 

my sleep schedule has been wrecked for weeks. i thought i'd fixed it a few nights ago, but then i stayed up and... yeah, just a mess. so i for some reason only slept 5:30am-8:30am yesterday and then stayed up because i didn't feel tired and kinda didn't wanna sleep through the day; i thought i could power through. so, i stay up, rot in my room for a while because i couldn't make myself go to the kitchen to make myself anything to eat. i just. my stomach was growling, i was hungry, i hadn't had coffee in two days so i was feeling it — but somehow i still just stayed at my desk or in bed til my mom took pity on me and brought me a sandwich. (for context, i'd been telling my fam this whole summer that i needed help eating regular meals because my school crisis mode just fucks with my appetite and i always sleep through breakfast. they haven't really been great about it.)

i got tired at like 6pm yesterday and was lying in bed for a long while just idly scrolling trying to actually sleep. i don't remember when i actually fell asleep, but i woke up at some point to put my computer away and then woke up for good at like 1am, i think? i wanted to go back to sleep initially but then woke up too much to do it so i've been up. decided to start watching good omens, finally, which is the best thing i've taken out of the past two days.

so, i haven't really slept, and i'm awake at like 8:30am when my mom comes into my room. my mom uses my bathroom exclusively even though my room is like a 3 minute walk from her room (which is literally right next to a bathroom) because she's grossed out by the other bathroom for no good reason. there's literally no reason. anyway, she gives me a lot of shit for trying to ask her to knock or wait for me to say "come in" when she comes back to my room, but it's a matter of space and boundaries. she's been overinvolved in my life and invaded my personal space a lot because i was an only child in an abusive household where my dad made it hard for my mom to have friends and alienated her from her family.

anyway, my mom just strolls in looking like she absolutely just woke up and goes into my bathroom. mutters a "good morning" because she's surprised she saw me up and 'attem so early. i was watching good omens, y'know, chill as hell. and i've had this talk with my mom about using the bathroom before — she can use it but don't like sneakily come back to use the bathroom and then expect that i want to sit and chat for an hour. it's my room, it's my time, we don't get along very well and i honestly come back her to just... vegetate. i don't wanna be dealing with her constantly.

naturally, my mom gets out of the bathroom and comes over to me. this entire time i've had the episode paused because i get so on edge when she's in my room like i literally can't focus on anything else until she's gone. she comes over, and i'm like on my side in bed, and starts petting me even though i'm trying not to make eye contact because i want her to leave. i just want her gone, i wanna watch the show and not deal with it. she didn't even knock to come in, knowing that i've been getting up weirdly early the past few days. and she starts trying to ask me what's wrong, but i really don't want to talk about it and i tell her as much.

finally, i tell her i'm mad about her just coming in here and then proceeding to linger exactly how i told her i didn't want her to. and coming over to do the whole physical affection thing when everything in my face and body language was clear about me not wanting any of it. it's been a really long time since i've felt comforted by my mom's physical affection. there are moments when i want a hug but as a rule it makes me feel more uncomfortable than anything. that's a more complicated issue tat i could go on about but back to the narrative. she settles on just saying "there's something wrong with you," and then leaves.

but we're not done!

she comes back this time to try to pry out why i'm mad and it just devolves into our typical fights. i'm mad this summer because i got a grant to plan a research trip abroad and my whole family basically fought me every step of the way because i wanted to go to cuba. i'm cuban, i wanted to go to see if i could do a cuban opera for my senior thesis; of course, cuba is a communist country with an unstable regime/economy, so i'm aware that my going would come with some risks. i knew this!! it wasn't going to be some silly vacation for the 'gram!!! but my family being so like aggressively against the trip plus depression plus summer slump meant the trip didn't happen. i missed my flight, ghosted my airbnb, lost $400, didn't make any plans. this happened at the beginning of june. of course i'm still upset by this. i still don't even really wanna talk about it.

i know i could've still gone if i really set my mind to it. i could've planned. i was just wiped out from the semester and i needed the support from somewhere, anywhere, and i didn't have it. it would've been my first time abroad; it's the first thing i've applied for and gotten while i've been in college, the grant i got. i built it up in my head and for there not even to be the slightest acknowledgement that this is a cool thing that you're doing to fend for yourself and hone your craft and reconnect to a heritage that you're simultaneously entrenched and removed in — no, nothing. just my mom saying "when you leave, i'll say goodbye to you like it's the last time i'll ever see you," and my grandma ganging up on me because a friend of a friend was on her whatsapp telling her that cuba has low supplies of toilet paper.

so i'm feeling really fucked up about this. at least i'm still writing this summer. writing is an outlet i always turn to but never know how to manage in a healthy or productive way. (like how i'm writing this having been up all night instead of getting breakfast.)

we have this stupid fight where my mom just doesn't listen to me — i mention a smaller, addressable issue and she zooms out to her failed marriage, her health problems — oh, wait. i forgot the best part. when she walked in to ask me why i was mad, she actually guilt tripped me at first. "your grandmother is getting ready to go to the doctor's office. have you heard about her test results? [medical stuff] she could die any day now of heart failure. you should go say hi before she leaves." like deadass!!!! really!!! this is how she swings in while i am pointedly not speaking to her.

that was what set me off. i called her out for the guilt tripping because, if she's going to stand there and force a conversation, that's what i had to say. so, i cry, she cries and blubbers — at this point i'm so numb to her reactions that it really just frustrates me when she gets like that, sue me. my patience is just... gone with her. all the patience i have goes toward trying not to raise my voice because then at least i know i have the high ground when she starts raising her voice at me. which. i hate! i really don't do well with yelling! who does?

this fight happens. she leaves sobbing that she's a fuck up, because every fight ends up being about her even when it starts about me. even when i was just trying to get her to understand that her forcing herself into my life and into my space isn't something i'll ever respond well to.

leaves me alone for about... 20 minutes. i start writing this post. since i've started, i shit you not, she's come in three times. first, to plead at my door to let her use my bathroom (she left her hairdryer in there and wants to wash up). after ignoring her for a minute as she gets louder, i just decide to let her in because i don't want her to unlock my door with her key or to stand there crying as if i can't hear her. then she tries to talk to me multiple times while she's in my bathroom doing... whatever she was doing. mind you, i was literally just typing away and not paying attention.

she's called me twice and informed me that she also sent a text message saying she'll help me (now) plan a trip to cuba because she doesn't want me to blame her for this forever. she also just came by to tell me, again, about a random doctor's appointment.

at this point, home just feels unsafe to me. i don't have a quiet place for myself. i've lived alone at school for two years and it's like i'm living in a glass box here where my mom could walk in and watch me at any second. i don't want to talk to her. i don't want to talk to my grandparents, who are dealing with health issues and other family issues and consider me locking myself up in my room as some kind of phase i guess? or a tantrum? no matter the different ways in which i cry for help. i don't want to talk to my dad, because he plays nice for five minutes and then reminds me that he's a fucking raging conservative bigot and that he'll never actually accept me for who i am. i don't even know what home is anymore. it's definitely not school, but it's not here, either.

i just needed to get this out. i'm gonna try to eat and get out of bed and go to a cafe in a bit. gotta shower before i leave the house, it's been a few days. maybe i'll update later.

[in-the-midst-of-everything]

Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....