#and I feel like the prime negative emotion in my life is terror

[cruelsister-moved2]

she kind of spilled i HATE that this is true but since ive been like #healed and normal I’ve literally been less creative and connected to art less and I don’t want that to be true but it so is 😭 the thing is it’s a balance because if you’re completely rock bottom and in despair then it’s impossible to create things but at the same time there’s a level of emotional evocativeness that you need a certain level of darkness in your soul to be able to access YOU KNOW?

[cruelfeline]

That earlier post got me thinking about the difference between Horde Prime’s anger, and Hordak’s. Namely in terms of where it comes from and what its purpose is. Because my word, but there is a discrepancy, and it’s the sort of thing that I feel sheds quite a bit of light on how differently the two of them see the world.

When we meet Horde Prime, he is the picture of calm and collected, the classic affably evil villain who appears entirely in control of everything. And for a good portion of his time in the story, he is. He controls what we understand to be a vast empire. He controls the physical, mental, and emotional lives of countless clones who worship him entirely. He is totally in command of everything he interacts with.

So when we see his first angry outburst, it is less an “outburst” and more a targeted weapon. Horde Prime turns his vicious ire onto a trembling, pleading Hordak specifically to frighten him. To dominate him. To terrorize and punish him for the moral crime of taking a name and exerting his will. There is no loss of control here; once Hordak is dealt with, Prime calmly returns to his default cool, collected state. He is entirely the master of this situation, and when he exhibits anger, it is specifically to harm someone over whom he has power. 

An important aspect of this, one that differs from what we see in Hordak and adds a significant level of cruelty to Prime, is that he is so legitimately mighty that this sort of fear-based punishment has nothing to do with self defense or personal safety. It truly appears geared towards inflicting suffering on others for his own glorification. Essentially: when he turns his anger on Hordak, it is not because Hordak poses any sort of actual threat that needs to be fought off. It is purely to hurt him in a way that strokes Prime’s ego.

This use of anger, of violence, to hurt and punish others seems to be the chief purpose Prime has for the emotion. Granted, as the show continues and he loses his dominant position due to our heroes’ efforts, his expressions of anger fall more in line with frustrated outbursts, but to my mind, this is the exception rather than the norm for him. After all, he has been dominant for so, so long. And because he has been comfortably in charge, he has had little to be frustrated about. Thus, Prime’s anger is largely a weapon of manipulation and enforced fear, rather than a reaction to a lack of control until the very latter portion of the series.

Now: Hordak.

Hordak is very different. Hordak, given the deeply unfortunate circumstances he faces, has had everything to be frustrated about: his illness, his failed projects, his precarious leadership position. And because of these things, particularly said precarious leadership position, he does not enjoy the easy dominance that Prime enjoys. Every moment Hordak spends in command of the Etherian Horde is one during which he has to hide his defect and maintain the facade of all-powerful ruler. It is a stressful thing that threatens to fall apart the moment his ruse falters, not only shaming him but putting him in potentially great physical danger.

which... y’know... happens in season four via Catra; so not a false worry

Because of this, Hordak exhibits anger far more constantly than Prime; he is almost perpetually grumpy, ready to snarl at a moment’s notice since his reasons for anger are ever-present. Furthermore, he uses said anger less as a tool to hurt people for his own personal pleasure and more as a negative coping mechanism combined with a method of personal defense.

The negative coping mechanism is probably what we see most often: whenever things don’t go Hordak’s way, he lashes out. The most common casualty of this is a piece of property (RIP lil’ green wrench) rather than an actual person, strongly marking this form of anger as one used to vent frustration rather than to influence others in any way. Hordak, along with his brothers, functions under a doctrine of minimizing emotional expression. As a result, his ability to cope with negative experiences via a healthy expression of the resulting emotions is heavily stunted, leading to the outbursts we see. It’s not a positive aspect of his character by any means, but it is an understandable one: he never learned how to manage failure and disappointment in a constructive way, so he suppresses the related emotions until they come to a head and manifest in violent anger.

This is akin to what Prime exhibits in the late stages of his life, but because Hordak constantly experiences such vexing frustration, he expresses this sort of anger far more consistently than Prime does, to the point that I would hazard to say that it is his norm.

Now, looking at Hordak expressing anger and using violence targeting other people, we again can see that he differs from Prime. Prime, as stated before, has all of the power and thus no real need for this sort of violence-based maintenance of control and self-defense. When he wields his anger, it is to cause hurt. Hordak? Hordak has that fragile leadership standing alongside a frightening lack of personal agency, and so he does use his anger to attempt to maintain both. He wields it both to protect himself from people and to regain control when he loses it. Various instances come to mind (besides him trying to drive Entrapta out of his sanctum via Yelling (c)).

One involves Adora in the moments leading up to the portal activation at the end of season three. When Adora threatens to thwart Hordak’s plans and utters that awful word, “fail,” he reacts. He reacts to two things: the concept of Adora has a dangerous enemy, and the loss of control over his own life via the threat of failure. When he turns his anger on her (and later displaces it onto Entrapta when said anger causes his armor to glitch) it is to combat these two adversarial things in order to maintain his own safety and stability. Hurting Adora as some sort of twisted moral punishment is not the intent here; protecting himself, from both physical and emotional threats, is.

Another instance involves throwing machinery and yelling at Catra after the portal incident, once she mentions Entrapta. This marks another moment of Hordak combating the sense of losing control. He experiences emotional pain due to Entrapta’s mention, likely suffering feelings of loss and shame and abandonment, and in order to regain control over the situation, to feel less vulnerable, he directs his anger at the source of discomfort: Catra. 

In a similar instance, he throws a chip at Imp when the little spy teases him with Entrapta’s name, again seeking to defend himself against the unpleasant feelings her memory brings.

When Shadow Weaver and the Princesses invade his Sanctum, he loses composure and turns furious, throwing a column at them in an attempt to defend himself and his most private quarters. 

He does the same once he learns of Catra’s lies, erupting into a true rage once she further prods at his insecurities by asserting that Prime will not want him due to his being a defective mistake. 

Over and over, Hordak uses his anger to both protect himself from potentially dangerous people and to attempt to regain control over situations he feels are slipping from his grasp. Often when facing increased personal vulnerability. All of these moments show this very different set of reasons for expressing this potentially violent emotion compared to Prime.

It’s an interesting contrast, isn’t it? And one that serves to highlight the very different lives these two characters lead: one a cruel cult leader who has almost unfathomable power over his worshipers, the other a traumatized man trying to obtain power and security and stability in a life where he has nearly none. And their anger provides an intriguing lens through which to assess this contrast.

[mandarinastronaut]

Homoromantic subtext in ‘The Goldfinch’

The Goldfinch is a novel written by Donna Tartt, published in 2013. It follows the characters Theodore Decker and Boris Pavlikovsky. The relationship between the two is a bit controversial. Literary critics have completely ignored the implications of a romance.

Let’s start with Theo’s toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia. Since the Tumblr user @borispav has already made an excellent analysis regarding the subject, I’m going to quote them.  

”…Internalized homophobia is a fear and aversion toward homosexuality that is felt by a member of said sexuality. It’s an inclination toward projection, a way of securing confidence and self-image (two things which are threatened both systematically and socially) by registering one’s own sexual identity as a flaw in other people.

Toxic masculinity (or hegemonic masculinity) is a series of behaviors and traits found in men who have been molded by the ideologies of patriarchy. This mode of thinking presents a set of standards and conventions which men are expected to both adhere to and promote interpersonally.

When it comes to men, the ultimate goal—in both these cases— is to embody the widely advertised image of what is considered to be a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ man. This man is able-bodied and strong (both physically and mentally). This man fulfills the roles expected of his gender. He is ‘masculine’ in that he does not cry nor outwardly express any emotions outside of anger and lust. As a child he is sociable and sporty. He has many friends and does not struggle with fitting in. As a teen he is rowdy and full of life, armed to the teeth with a ‘healthy’ sex drive; the ultimate manifestation of the phrase “boys will be boys”. As an adult he is married and financially stable. He is on his way to achieving the American Dream: a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a wife that he feels responsible for protecting. He is straight and always has been.”

”Naturally interwoven amongst the pillars of toxic masculinity sits homophobia and its internalized counterpart. Heterosexuality, after all, is a core part of being a ‘normal’ male. Any other errant attraction is therefore meant to be deftly identified and expunged.

Given the sexual nature several of Theo’s fears toward masculinity take on, I believe it is more than safe to assume that he struggles with accepting and acknowledging his own sexuality (whether it be bisexuality or homosexuality, I don’t have a definite stance) as it is at odds with what has been presented as ‘normal’ male behavior.

Sexuality very nearly serves as an antagonist in this novel. It’s depicted as an emotionally draining entity, a wildness, a physical allure, tangible threat, and  elusive dream. Theo is almost always at war with it—a sort of subplot to the story that mainly reveals itself in behavior and attitude, rather than direct dialogue or thought.

Sometimes the terror Theo harbors toward homosexuality (and, at its core, his own sexuality) is visceral enough to manifest itself as a palpable real-life danger. For example, aside from being verbally and emotionally abused by kids at school, Theo is also able to recall an instance where several boys held him down and attempted to sodomize him with a stick of deodorant (615). This memory, like the other, is mentioned in a passing, blasé, way. However, the fact that Theo remembers it at all as an adult—and in enough detail to recall the exact names of his aggressors— speaks to the experience’s traumatic weight.

In a similar vein, we have Theo’s negative re-entry into New York: the two different adult men who were implied child molesters (who cornered Theo and physically chased him down the street) serving as more literal manifestations of his own homophobia (404-409). This is the fear, and false pretense, that gay men are ‘perverts’ or ‘child molesters’ brought to life. It’s Theo’s repressed sexuality taunting and confronting him in a brutal, nightmarish, form; an expected effect of having been taught that a part of his identity is inherently ‘bad’ and unremovable.

This, and the bullying incident, are two prime examples of a fairly common literary technique used in which a character’s strongest fears or desires are made physical, rather than just emotional. Such a device works to symbolize/convey their fervency, demonstrate just how pressing and real they are to the afflicted character.”

A few examples of Theo’s internalized homophobia:

He can’t tell his doormen he’s going to miss them, because he thinks it would sound ”gay”. (238)

He feels uncomfortable in the cab because the driver saw Boris kissing him. (396)

He’s embarrassed to be seen with Popper because the breed is seen as ”feminine ” or “gay”. (402)

He’s distraught when Boris asks if he’s Hobie’s partner. (615)

“As for the internalized homophobia, it’s as ever-present as ever in his adulthood. In fact, I think it actually might even be morepronounced and focused than it was in his youth, when his fears primarily manifested themselves in vague and ambiguous ways. As an adult, his aversion is blunt and easy to identify. He graduates from steering clear of things that might insinuate homosexuality, to steering clear of gay men almost altogether. He’s able to acknowledge that they tend to make him uncomfortable, but in terms of trying to understand or mediate on why this is so, little is done. Instead he deems it suffice to drop in a few cursory sentences here and there whilst on the subject of something else, leaving it at that. No bigger picture is addressed, and no critical issue is implied.

For example, what we get are brief and loaded anecdotes like the following:

“I’d inherited my mother’s light-colored eyes, which short of sunglasses at gallery openings made it pretty much impossible to hide pinned pupils—not that anybody in Hobie’s crowd seemed to notice, except (sometimes) a few of the younger, more with-it gay guys— ‘You’re a bad boy,’ the bodybuilder boyfriend of a client had whispered into my ear at a formal dinner, freaking me out thoroughly. And I dreaded going up to the Accounts department at one of the auction houses because one of the guys there—older, British, an addict himself—was always hitting on me.” (472)

The sheer weariness and disdain with which he views threats to his heterosexuality is palpable here. There’s something almost sinister and deceptive about the way he chooses to portray these scenarios, something nightmarish in the way both men seem to be implicitly taunting him, confronting or incriminating him with the knowledge of a secret he pretends not to know. Both cases are clearly sources of great distress to him, as he feels the need to bring them up in context of something that didn’t exactly need the reference. It’s all fine and good that he mentions the "younger gay guys” noticing his pinned pupils, since the topic of thought was drugs, but then to go off and suddenly engage in the quotation of very specific dialogue (“you’re a bad boy”), and the discussion of very specific fears (being hit on by a guy), suggests that there is some deeper trauma demanding acknowledgment at the root. Theo is bothered by this. He is tormented by this. He uses the word dread (dread!!) to try and convey just how much he does not want to be in the same vicinity as someone who may act upon the assumption that he’s gay. (He wants us to assume that’s only because he’s confidently straight and doesn’t want the attention, but we know, in truth, that it’s because he’s both afraid and enraged at someone knowing and confronting him with such an unbidden part of himself).

Either way, it’s clear that he’s aware of the irrational severity of these fears, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought them up of his own volition or chosen to detail the day-to-day effects of their disproportionally crippling nature (i.e. him now despairing a certain department of his work environment). So yes, at some subconscious level, he knows that this isn’t normal, that he is stunted, emotionally, in some way. However, as I said before, he doesn’t ever think about why this is. He doesn’t try to find the problem, or even allude to there possibly being some small discrepancy in the way he’s always perceived his sexual identity. His aversion toward gay men simply remains a ‘mystery issue’, something of obvious weight that Theo wants us to feel, but not know. (Though, we know what it is anyway.)

And as if all this wasn’t obvious enough, we also get the very particular way in which Boris is framed in reference to Kitsey. He reenters Theo’s life right as Theo’s in a crisis over her, the engagement, and the fact that he’s not in love. And I mean this literally; Theo runs into Boris at St. Marks because he’d been on a walk in efforts to find ease of mind, a refuge from the daunting prospect of upcoming marriage (525). What he does find is Boris. Boris, who then, briefly, assumes the role of a hero— the knight in shining armor who’s come to sweep Theo up and away from the worldly snares of expectation and social-rule. This image is only further enforced when Boris comes billowing into his life again at the engagement party, graciously saving him from what (to Theo) was a downright nightmarish scenario. “Let’s get out of here,” is what Boris implores of him, leading them both to the door excitedly (635). Theo’s immediate response is to recognize that this is what he’s been unknowingly hoping this entire time, that Boris’ plea to run away from the engagement party with him is the “only thing that has made sense” to him all night (635). This is the ever-warring sides of illusion and reality at direct confrontation with each other. Choosing to stay at the party would imply that he has an unwavering loyalty to Kitsey (as in to heterosexuality/convention), while choosing to leave would imply that there are other, more genuine, desires drawing him away to something else at heart (his love for Boris, his lust for that wild edge; life without restraint and rule).

Theo chooses to leave. Or, I should probably say, he has no choice but to leave. When given such an enchanting window of escape, at such a precise moment of emotional distress and internal turmoil, it is impossible to resist. Of course his instinct would be to leave with Boris, even without knowing the details of their destination or circumstance. There’s an innate trust and draw that has been built up inside him from their Vegas years; Boris knows the deepest parts of Theo inside and out, and there are little to no other people in his life that he is tied to like that, little to no people that would provide the same type of relief from social-performance and self-deception as Boris would. On instinct (on instinct) Theo is true to himself for once. He physically runs after the thing he prefers, the thing it is that he actually wants. However, I do emphasize ‘on instinct’ because this is certainly more of a one-time, impulsive, occurrence than it is anything else. In the end it’s still Kitsey who Theo deems worthy of a suicide-note, not Boris. It’s still Kitsey who, despite everything, he continues to remain on the fence about all the way through the end of the novel. So, yes, it’s evident that the instinct (to be honest with himself, to go after what he wants etc.) is there, that—even after all these years—it still remains strong enough to be acknowledged and acted upon. However, the pressures of compulsive heterosexuality and toxic masculinity have not lessened their grip either, and, in the end, they are the ones that win.”

(all of this was from the amazing @borispav  ‘s blog, thank you for letting me quote you!)

The story is told in retrospect and therefore is completely dependent on memory. Well memory, as we all know, isn’t very reliable. You forget, remember something incorrectly, manipulate and so forth. It is also sort of implied that Theo’s been using all sorts of substances, from hard drugs to alcohol. On the pages 622-623 we find out that Theo’s a ‘black-out’ drunk (he passes out and forgets things). Boris brings up the painting which baffles Theo since he himself has shown it to Boris but completely forgotten about it. Just the fact that he’s forgotten something so insanely important and significant, makes it more than possible that there are other important things he’s forgotten about. Theo tells us that he’s written the book for his mother, and in the hopes that Pippa would read it one day. This makes him quite biased and sets up an agenda for him, therefore implying that he’s willing to manipulate the story to fit his purposes. And because he’s trying to convince everyone (mostly himself, but also the reader) that he’s in love with Pippa, it wouldn’t make much sense for him to write about the true feelings he has for Boris. Though it’s very clear that he doesn’t actually love her. He even says this on page 570;

”Worse: my love for Pippa was muddied-up below the waterline with my mother, with my mother’s death, with losing my mother and not being able to get her back. All that blind, infantile hunger to save and be saved, to repeat the past and make it different, had somehow attached itself, ravenously, to her. There was an instability in it, a sickness. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I was only one step away from some trailer park loner stalking a girl he’d spotted in the mall. For the truth of it was: Pippa and I saw each other maybe twice a year; we e-mailed and texted, though with no great regularity; when she was in town we loaned each other books and went to the movies; we were friends; nothing more. My hopes for a relationship with her where wholly unreal, whereas my ongoing misery, and frustration, were an all-too-horrible reality. Was groundless, hopeless, unrequited obsession any way to waste the rest of my life?”

Even if you were to interpret it differently (Theo actually being in love with her, or at least being sexually attracted to her) it still doesn’t overrule Theo’s love for Boris (Theo could be bi-, pan-, or polysexual etc.).

Now when talking about Boris’ internalized homophobia, it’s not as severe as Theo’s. He’s a lot more accepting and openminded. On page 314. Boris brings up homosexuality;

”…Old poofter?” he asked. I was taken aback. ”No,” I said swiftly, and then; ”I don’t know.” ”Doesn’t matter,” said Boris, offering me the jar. ”I’ve known some sweet olf poofters.” ”I don’t think he is,” I said uncertainly. Boris shrugged. ”Who cares? if he is good to you? None of us ever find enough kindness in the world, do we?“

It’s very clear that by bringing up homosexuality casually like this, he wants to hear how Theo feels about it. This dialogue also tells us that Boris is a lot more accepting than Theo, who’s shocked and troubled by the idea of Hobie being gay.  

Boris doesn’t have trouble expressing his feelings, he often even exaggerates them.

Boris says he’s in love with Kotku even though he doesn’t know her (326)

Boris says that he ”loves” Kotku and that she’s ”the truestthing that has ever happened” to him (328).

Boris says that the 'fight’ he and Kotku had, was ”only out of love”, and that they realized ”how much they loved each other” (360).

Boris tells Theo how he and KT became ”so close” in one night, and how they ”opened up their hearts” for each other (602).

Boris says that Bobo was like a father to him (613).

Boris is telling Theo about his tattoo, and says this; ”…This is for Katya, love of my life. I loved her more than any woman I ever knew.” To which Theo responds with; ”You say that about everybody.”  Theo’s comment proves that this is something Boris does all the time.

But with Theo, he can express himself only through action, rather than words. It’s important to bear this in mind whenever interpreting his actions.

Quoting the Tumblr user @queer-deckovskij ;

”…Part II of The Goldfinch Book contains the chapters Badr al-Dine and Wind, Sand and Stars, in which Boris and Theo meet, go on adventures, live a pair of year together, fight, love each other, then say goodbye. These 200 pages are introduced by a quote Donna put right before chapter 5, that comes from the poet Arthur Rimbaud and says,

When we are very strong, - who draws back? very gay*, - who cares for ridicule? When we are very bad, - what would they do with us?

So where do I start? This quote accurately depicts Boris’ and Theo’s friendship in a way that takes my breath away. It contains all the force and stubbornness and courage of the angry youth they represent. She couldn’t have picked a better quote to represent them. But that’s not all. The small poem doesn’t end here - Donna cut the second part of it, which says,

Deck yourself, dance, laugh. I could never throw Love out of the window.

Yes, the poem used to represent Theo and Boris’ relationship is a love poem. I think it’s really important the notion of who Arthur Rimbaud was. He lived in France during the 19th century and while still very young he had a homosexual affair with another poet, named Paul Verlaine; they ran off together and for quite some time they shared a really unhealthy and irregular life, mostly based on drugs and alcohol and dangerous experiences. Les Poètes maudits, yes? They lived in the same house for a few years and ended up splitting up in quite a violent way (Verlaine shot Rimbaud twice). Does this experience remind you of someone? A couple of guys who drank beer and did drugs like it was a packet of chips and a bottle of pepsi? Inserting that quote, Donna Tartt literally compared Theo and Boris to Rimbaud and Verlaine. Which means that, officially, Theo and Boris’s love was not a platonic one.

*I do not know if Donna inserted this translation or a more neutral one, like cheerful or jolly; the original French poem uses the word gai, which literal translates as gay.”

When Boris starts dating Kotku, Theo is forced to think about what his and Boris’ relationship was for the first time. Though, it’s already been implied earlier that Theo might have a crush on Boris.

Subtext of Theo’s attraction toward Boris;

He’s staring at Boris’ stomach (272).

He’s staring at Boris’ neck (284).

He’s staring at Boris who’s wearing nothing but Theo’s underwear (307).

He’s staring at Boris’ shirtless chest (308).

He’s staring at Boris’ lower abdomen (383).

Theo is jealous of Kotku, he’s even depicted as a pissed ‘house-wife’.

Page 327; ”…But what did bother me -a lot- was how Kotku (I’ll continue to call her by the name Boris gave her, since I can’t now remember her real name) had stepped in overnight and virtually assumed ownership of Boris. First he was busy on Friday night. Then it was the whole weekend–not just the night, but the day too. Pretty soon, it was Kotku this and Kotku that, and the next thing I knew, Popper and I were eating dinner and watching movies by ourselves.”

(Theo’s been depicted as a ‘house-wife’ before on page 277.)

Even though he’s feeling jealous and left behind, he still tries to convince himself and the reader that their relationship was nothing but platonic, that he doesn’t really care whether Boris has a girlfriend or not. Still, it isn’t so simple. He can’t find a right word to describe their relationship.  

”…But who cared what crappy girl Boris liked? Weren’t we still friends? Best friends? Brothers practically? Then again: there was not exactly a word for Boris and me. Until Kotku came along, I had never thought too much about it.” (333)

If their relationship was really platonic, Boris having a girlfriend wouldn’t affect their “friendship” or “brotherhood” in the slightest.  

Theo’s projecting into Boris because of his internalized homophobia. We find out that Theo doesn’t mind Boris showing physical affection, and that he even enjoys it (it’s the only thing that calms him down from his nightly terrors). This is something that he doesn’t want to admit. He’s constantly trying to convince the reader that there aren’t any stronger, possibly romantic, feelings attached. It’s actually quite comedic.  

”The funny thing: I’d worried, if anything, that Boris was the one who was a little too affectionate, if affectionate is the right word. The first time he’d turned in bed and draped an arm over my waist, I lay there half-asleep for a moment, not knowing what to do: staring at my old socks on the floor, empty beer bottles, my paperbacked copy of The Red Badge of Courage. At last–embarrassed–I faked a yawn and tried to roll away, but instead he sighed and pulled me closer, with a sleepy, snuggling motion.  Shh, Potter, he whispered, into the back of my neck. Is only me. It was weird. Was it weird? It was; and it wasn’t. I’d fallen back to sleep shortly after, lulled by his bitter, beery unwashed smell and his breath easy in my ear. I was aware I couldn’t explain it without making it sound like more than it was. On nights when I woke strangled with fear there he was, catching me when I started up terrified from the bed, pulling me back in the covers beside him, muttering in nonsense Polish, his voice throaty and strange with sleep. We’d drowse off in each other’s arms, listening to music from my iPod (Thelonious Monk, The Velvet Underground, music my mother had liked) and sometimes wake clutching each other like castaways or much younger children.” (335)

In the end, we finally find out that they’ve even been sexually intimate. Since this is something they’ve done regularly, it’s more than safe to say that they’re at least sexually attracted to each other. Still, Theo keeps projecting into Boris, saying that he’s the one ”who might have the wrong idea”.

“…And yet (this was the murky part, this was what bothered me) there had also been other, way more confusing and fucked-up nights, grappling around half-dressed, weak light from the bathroom and  everything haloed and unstable without my glasses: hands on each other, rough and fast, kicked-over beers foaming on the carpet–fun and not that big of a deal when it as actually happening, more than worth it for the sharp gasp when my eyes rolled back and I forgot about everything; but when we woke the next morning stomach-down and groaning on opposite sides of the bed it receded into an incoherence of backlit flickers, choppy and poorly lit like some experimental film, theunfamiliar twist of Boris’s features fading from memory already and none of it with any more bearing on our actual lives than a dream. We never spoke of it; it wasn’t quite real; getting ready for school we threw shoes, splashed water at each other, chewed aspirin for our hangovers, laughed and joked around all the way to the bus stop. I knew people would think the wrong thing if they knew, I didn’t want anyone to find out and I knew Boris didn’t either, but all the same he seemed so completely untroubled by it that I was sure it was just a laugh, nothing to take too seriously or get worked up about. And yet, more than once, I had wondered if I should step up my nerve and say something: draw some kind of line, make things clear, just to make absolutely sure he didn’t have the wrong idea. But the moment had never come. Now there was no point in speaking up and being awkward about the whole thing, though I scarcely took comfort in the fact.” (335-336)

Boris feels troubled because his and Theo’s relationship has become so intimate. He’s not sure if Theo feels the same way about him, and that creates a lot of stress and confusion for him. He makes a subconscious decision to resolve the situation by jumping into an impulsive relationship with Kotku (there aren’t any strong feelings attached). The relationship is completely physical, (they’re sexually attracted to each other, that’s it) even though Boris tries to convince Theo it isn’t so. Soon after they start dating, they begin to argue like an old married couple. It even goes so far that Boris punches Kotku (in the face).  

Then Theo’s dad dies, and Theo has to leave Vegas in order to avoid his worst nightmare; social workers. Tartt depicts the 'goodbye’ scene quite dramatically, starting it with Boris humming a song by The Velvet Underground called After Hours. The song is about, you guessed it, unwilling goodbyes, love etc. By inserting this song to the very start, Tartt creates the perfect atmosphere for the whole scene, implying that there are strong romantic feelings between the two. They’ve listened to the song together, and so, Boris tries to manipulate Theo into staying by humming it.  

”…Boris, I realized, was looking up at the sky and humming to himself, a line from one of my mother’s Velvet Underground songs: but if you close the door… the night could last forever…” (392)

The certainty of the situation starts to sink in on Theo, and he starts expressing his true feelings for the first and last time in the novel, in fact, he’s lost all control over himself. Boris realizes that Theo’s expressing his real feelings (probably predicting a confession) and since Boris has stolen the painting (something Theo’s completely unaware of) he’s accepted that he’s completely ruined any chances of continuing the relationship, (knowing that Theo would hate him after finding out) and just can’t bear to hear any more of what Theo’s saying. So, he interrupts Theo by kissing him on the lips. Now, besides the suggestive placement of the kiss, (not only is it in the goodbye scene but its right before Theo’s confession as well) the way Theo reacts to it makes it very clear that this is unusual behavior, and not something Boris has done before, (Theo wouldn’t have missed a chance to make the whole situation seem as platonic as possible, he would have tried to pull some bullshit like ”oh yeah this is something Boris does all the time lmao doesn’t mean anything”. And they know each other so well that they can communicate without words, so I think it’s safe to say that Theo would’ve known about it if it was usual behavior for Boris.) the kiss is clearly more than platonic, to say the least.  

”…Really, you have to come. We can go to Brighton Beach—that’s where all the Russians hang out. Well, I’ve never been there. But the train goes there—it’s the last stop on the line. There’s a big Russian community, restaurants with smoked fish and sturgeon roe. My mother and I always talked about going out there to eat one day, this jeweler she worked with told her all the good places to go, but we never did. It’s supposed to be great. Also, I mean—I have money for school—you can go to my school. No—you totally can. I have a scholarship. Well, I did. But the guy said as long as the money in my fund was used for education—it could be anybody’s education. Not just mine. There’s more than enough for the both of us. Though, I mean, public school, the public schools are good in New York, I know people there, public school’s fine with me.” I was still babbling when Boris said: “Potter.” Before I could answer him he put both hands on my face and kissed me on the mouth. And while I stood blinking—it was over almost before I knew what had happened—he picked up Popper under the forelegs and kissed him too, in midair, smack on the tip of his nose. Then he handed him to me. ”Your car’s over there,” he said, giving him one last ruffle on the head. And—sure enough—when I turned, a town car was creeping up the other side of the street, surveying the addresses. We stood looking at each other—me breathing hard, completely stunned. ”Good luck,” said Boris. ”I won’t forget you.” then he patted Popper on the head. ”Bye, Popchyk. Look after him, will you?” he said to me.” (394-395)

When Theo gets in the cab, he acknowledges his feelings for Boris and confesses his love for him. This is the first and last time he does this (at least according to Theo’s narrative, which as we know, isn’t very reliable).

”Later—in the cab, and afterward—I would replay that moment, and marvel that I’d waved and walked away quite so casually. Why hadn’t I grabbed his arm and begged him one last time to get in the car, come on, fuck it Boris, just like skipping school, we’ll be eating breakfast over cornfields when the sun comes up? I knew him well enough to know that if you asked him the right way, at the right moment, he would do almost anything; and in the very act of turning away I knew he would have run after me and hopped in the car laughing if I’d asked one last time. But I didn’t. And, in truth, it was maybe better that I didn’t—I say that now, though it was something I regretted bitterly for a while. More than anything I was relieved that in my unfamiliar babbling-and-wanting-to-talk state I’d stopped myself from blurting the thing on the edge of my tongue, the thing I’d never said, even though it was something we both knew well enough without me saying it out loud to him in the street—which was, of course, I love you.” (395)

When they run into each other as adults, Theo starts commenting on Boris’ appearance almost immediately. This isn’t something Theo’s done before, his internalized homophobia won’t allow him to. Boris is the only male he depicts this way.  

”…There he was, sliding in across from me, slingin the hair from his face in a gesture that brought the past ringing back. “I was just about to leave.” “Sorry.” Same dirty, charming smile. “Had something to do. Didn’t Myriam explain?” “No she didn’t.” “Well. Is not like I work in accounting office. Look,” He said leaning forward, palms on the table, “don’t be mad! Was not expecting to run into you! I came as quick as I could! Ran, practically!” He reached across with cupped hands and slapped me gently on the cheek. “My God! Such a long time it is! Glad to see you! You’re not glad to see me too?” He’d grown up to be good-looking. Even at his gawkiest and most pinched he’d always had a likable shrewdness about him, lively eyes and quick intelligence, but he’d lost that half-starved rawness and everything else had come together the right way.” (596)

Then we find out that Boris has been embittered this whole time because he ruined his and Theo’s relationship (Thinking that Theo holds a grudge for him because of the painting). So, Boris projects onto Theo. He brings up their sexual intimacy, and offends him;

”…why do I feel like you’re trying to change the subject?” ”Not trying to judge! It’s just—we did crazy things back then. Things I think maybe you don’t remember. No, no!” he said quickly, shaking his head, when he saw the look on my face. ”Not that. Although I will say, you are the only boy I have ever been in bed with!” My laugh spluttered out angrily, as if I’d coughed or choked on something. ”With that—” Boris leaned back disdainfully in his chair, pinched his nostrils shut—”pfah. I think it happens at that age sometimes. We were young, and needed girls. I think maybe you thought it was something else. But, no, wait” he said quickly, his expression changing—I’d scraped back my chair to go— ”wait,” he said again, catching my sleeve, “don’t, please, listen to what I’m trying to tell you, you don’t at all remember the night when we were watching Dr. No?” I was getting my coat from the back of my chair…” (622)

Theo is clearly hurt by Boris’ words, even though he doesn’t admit it.

As if all of this wasn’t already obvious enough, Tartt’s sprinkled all sorts of subtext all over the novel;

Theo takes extraordinary notice of the sex books his therapist has. Tartt is already, this early into the book, implying that sexuality might be a theme for Theo.  (162)

During Theo’s and Boris’ first conversation, Theo asks Boris to say something in one of the multiple languages Boris speaks and he decides to say something quite suggestive, which is; ”fuck you up the ass”. (265)

Theo’s internalized homophobia is taunting him, he says he feels ”shameful”, ”worthless”, ”tainted” and ”wrong”, and that he doesn’t know the origin for these emotions. (440-441)

Theo thinks about Boris every day and everything reminds him of Boris. (465)

Theo still remembers Boris’ home phone number in Vegas and even uses the last digits of it for the combination padlock that’s securing the painting. (532)

Theo confesses that he has googled Boris in the past. (595)

”You know what I did in college?” I was telling him. ”I took Conversational Russian for a year. Totally because of you. I did really shitty in it, actually. Never got good enough to read it, you know, sit down with Eugene Onegin—you have to read it in Russian, they say, it doesn’t come through in translation. But—I thought of you so much! I used to remember little things you’d say—all sorts of things came back to me—oh, wow, listen, they’re playing 'Comfy in Nautica,’ do you remember that? Panda Bear! I totally forgot that album. Anyway. I wrote a term paper on The Idiot for my Russian Literature class—Russian Literature in translation—I mean, the whole time I was reading it I thought about you, up in my bedroom smoking my dad’s cigarettes. It was so much easier to keep track of the names if I imagined you saying them in my head … actually, it was like I heard the whole book in your voice! Back in Vegas you were reading The Idiot for like six months, remember? In Russian. For a long time it was all you did. Remember how for a long time you couldn’t go downstairs because of Xandra, I had to bring you food, it was like Anne Frank? Anyway, I read it in English, The Idiot, but I wanted to get there too, to that point, you know, where my Russian was good enough. But I never did.” (614-615)

Theo depicts Pippa by referring to Boris. (678)

Tartt has placed a character from one of her earlier novels The secret history, Francis Abernathy, a homosexual man who was forced by circumstance to marry a woman, in Theo’s engagement party as a parallel for him. (710)

”Only what is that thing? Why am I the way I am? Why do I care about all the wrong things, and nothing at all for the right ones? Or, to tip it another way: how can I see so clearly that everything I love or care about is illusion, and yet—for me, anyway—all that’s worth living for lies in that charm? A great sorrow, and one I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are. Because—isn’t it drilled into us constantly, from childhood on, an unquestioned platitude in the culture—? From Willian Blake to Lady Gaga, from Rousseau to Rumi to Tosca to Mister Rogers, it’s a curiously uniform message, accepted from high to low: when in doubt, what to do? How do we know what’s right for us? Every shrink every career counselor, every Disney princess knows the answer: ”Be yourself.” ”Follow your heart.” Only here’s what I really, really want someone to explain to me. What if one happens to be possessed of a heart that can’t be trusted—? What if the heart, for its own unfathomable reasons, leads one willfully and in a cloud of unspeakable radiance away from health, domesticity, civic responsibility and strong social connections and all the blandly-held common virtues and instead straight toward the bonfire, is it better to turn away? Stop your ears with wax? Ignore all the perverse glory your heart is screaming at you? Set yourself on the course that will lead you dutifully towards the norm, reasonable hours and regular medical check-ups, stable relationships and steady career advancement, the New York Times and brunch on Sunday, all with the promise of being somehow a better person? Or—like Boris—is it better to throw yourself head first and laughing into the holy rage calling your name? It’s not about outward appearances but inward significance. A grandeur in the world, but not of the world, a grandeur that the world doesn’t understand. That first glimpse of pure otherness, in whose presence you bloom out and out and out. A self one does not want. A heart one cannot help.” (852-853). Since the main themes of the novel are authenticity and unauthenticity (good and bad, right and wrong) it makes perfect sense to have sexuality be a subtheme.

Love restricts one’s personal life. Committing to something so uncertain and scary, as serious romantic relationships are, is impossible for Boris due to his traumatic childhood. This (aside from thinking he’s ruined their relatonship) is the reason why he’s stayed out of Theo’s life for all these years.  

”…Boris laughed. “And you love her, yes. But not too much.” “Why do you say that?” “Because you are not mad, or wild, or grieving! You are not roaring out to choke her with your own bare hands! Which means your soul is not too mixed up with hers. And that is good. Here is my experience. Stay away from the ones you love too much. Those are the ones who will kill you. What you want to live and be happy in the world is a woman who has her own life and lets you have yours.” (667)

Later, in Amsterdam, during the shootout, Boris physically follows this ideology and his true feelings- he’s ready to die for Theo. Theo confessed his love verbally, this is Boris confessing his love in the way most natural to him, through action;

”…Again Boris moaned, as the guy yanked his hair once more, and from across the car threw me an unmistakable look—which I understood just as plainly as if he’d spoken the words aloud, an urgent and very specific cut of the eyes straight from our shoplifting days: run for it, Potter, go.” (760)

Can a Pulitzer prize-winning author write this blatant subtext accidentally? Is this just another case of cheap queerbaiting? It’s up to you to decide.

———————————————————————————————————–

A look at internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity as presented in the character of Theodore Decker; https://borispav.tumblr.com/post/179768610308/a-look-at-internalized-homophobia-and-toxic

by https://borispav.tumblr.com/

Post on Arthur Rimbaud’s poem; http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/post/171833208225/so-very-important-detail-i-dont-know-if-any-of

by http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/

All page numbers are from my copy of the book, meaning that I’ve changed the ones in the quotations from the original ones to my own.

I received technical writing help from a friend of mine, as I am dyslexic and have trouble expressing myself sometimes, who wants to stay anonymous, thank you anonymous!

[bitofthisandthat]

META ||  NEGA-“DAD” & other things

Somewhere, even in Negaduck’s reality he came across N!Gosalyn and willingly adopted her, that much is true. There’s a lot of speculation from the LN&E ep that he’s a neglectful father; but nowhere is it indicated he physically or mentally harms her. I’m going to stick to my guns on this blog and say he adopted her out of some teeny twinge of pity or hopes that having her around would spark some feeling in him, because he feels DEAD inside. 

Negaduck is not just a pure incarnation of violence for the sake of being a killer/criminal. All criminals, even those of his caliber stemmed from SOME neutral origin.  If Drake, his counterpart, grew to be a super hero because he wanted to be something bigger than himself and to help people so they didn’t suffer the way he did, ( and gain some glory doing it ) then as the mirror opposite, Negaduck has got to have come from almost EXACT origins. Because he’s more than the “villain version” of a purely good lawful person; he’s the “what if” a different choice was made. The road forked for both Darkwing and Negaduck somewhere in their youth, and while one chose law and order as his salvation, the other chose crime and chaos as his.  Negaduck had to have come from a pretty bad beginning; I’m going to say that the way HE bullies the F4, his victims, and the entire POPULOUS of whatever city he’s in, he was most likely tormented by family or peers back in his youth, too. But I think being of the Negaverse, that means more than beak tweaking and being called a geek/loser repeatedly. Since the Negaverse is everything DWD’s world is only in reverse/worse case scenario, I think Negs was surrounded by violent/cruel/criminal parents as well as peers that continued the violent abuse outside his home life. He was raised on bile and venom, and instead of choosing to rise above and become someone better than his tormentors, he chose to be 100x worse than all his attackers ever were, making the whole world “sorry” for turning its back on him all his life. I’d go one further to say he’s only seen love through other people’s experiences, and that kind of affection filled him with resentment as a child. And as an adult, he grew to think of it as WEAK, because he’s toppled everyone he knew with anger, and has never seen love & family actually WIN anything 100%. But a chainsaw, terror, and grand theft? Winner every time. Drake/DWD obviously chose to rise above and be a BETTER EXAMPLE and get his “revenge” by success, hard work, and unflappable morals. He chose to be a role model for others to look up to, positively. Whereas Negs chose to be more frightening and more horrible than anyone’s worse nightmares instead. It’s been mentioned in the Silvani/Stones team ( more than once ) that Negaduck is actually filled with FEAR, ( Hence why Paddywack chose HIM to possess ). After all, anger and rage is nothing more than internalized fear unleashed outwardly at everyone else. BACK TO N! GOSALYN: She’s indeed an orphan, but he didn’t just raid an orphanage and save her from “un-adoptable” circumstances like “Gos Prime.” N!Gosalyn ( on this blog ) is the daughter of a deal gone south, where her family was eliminated during a typical Overlord-Negaduck scheme. She was the soul survivor from a mass “clean up.” Taurus wasn’t the villain in Negs’ world, as we can assume if everything is opposite, Taurus is probably a law-abiding businessman that may have been a LOYAL partner and backer of the Waddlemeyers. And SHUSH is Negaverse’s FOWL, etc. etc. 

So...Negs is rummaging through the rubble, and comes across N!Gosalyn, and feels an inexplicable need to take her home with him. He’d be mean as always to her, and snap at her constantly during the “imprint” period, but over time, that would lessen to a defensive coldness towards her. He IS attached to her in his own way, but he knows the only way to totally keep her safe from his behavior is to STAY AWAY for long stints and forbid her from venturing out into St. Canard alone. Nega! LP is there to do just that--make sure she is NEVER left alone when he’s gone, and is given strict orders to KILL anyone that comes near N!Gosalyn. Negs has an impulse to keep her alive, and doesn’t know what or where it’s coming from, and can’t explain it away like all his other displaced emotions. So, just like DWD, he is linked by fate to Gosalyn, and is driven to keep her safe and alive. Even if he treats her like a burden, he still KEEPS her. Her room is filled with toys and comforts, made up like a little princess’s room, even if his house looks like a flop den. He has times where he feels he should let her go and leave him, because he doesn’t trust himself to not hurt her one day, and then he has days where he disassociates from her altogether. Fortunately, N!Gosalyn is JUST as stubborn as Gos Prime, and even if her behavior/demeanor is opposite, she is still devoted to her “dad.” N!Gosalyn NEVER gives up on the hope he will break down and admit he loves her, so she continues to do everything he asks and dutifully waits for him to return, even if he’s gone for LONG stints in DWD’s world. Times he’s spent in prison in DWD’s world puts a long gap between their time together, and I think that’s how N!Gosalyn met the “Friendly 4″ they found her alone or JUST with Nega!Launchpad, so they secretly began watching out for her. Another reason Negaduck stays away from her at times, is that he DOES feel that deadness inside of him crack around her. Years go by and he starts to feel alive here and there because of her persistent devotion, even when he ignores her. This new feeling of life inside his dead soul scares the HELL out of him, so he runs off to maintain his reputation and terrorize both worlds. The idea that he could crack and feel “different” inside is terrifying, because it puts him back to that headspace when he was a kid and felt helpless and weak. 

[cherry-valentine]

Spring 2019 Anime Season

Here’s what I’m watching: Gunjou no Magmel is definitely my favorite new show of the season. It has a fun setup that lends itself well to lots of different stories: a mysterious new continent suddenly appears one day, full of new animal and plant life and inspiring people across the globe to explore it. Of course, the place is incredibly dangerous, which is why many people work as professional “rescuers” hired to go and retrieve those who have been lost or trapped in the new continent. The protagonists of the series are a pair of rescuers: the highly skilled and unflappable Inyou and his tech genius sidekick Zero (who doesn’t physically go to the continent but instead controls a drone). Right away the series provokes a feeling of adventure that reminded me somewhat of One Piece. The new continent, known as Magmel, is beautiful and teeming with life. The series wisely presents it in a neutral light. There are dangerous creatures there, definitely, with some seriously horrific body horror imagery (much of it veering into nightmare fuel territory), but the series is quite clear about the fact that these creatures are just behaving naturally. There’s no malice there. In fact, the only truly malicious and cruel actions are performed by the humans who go to Magmel to take advantage of the creatures there for their own profit. Inyou understands this, and is generally sympathetic to the animal and plant life, while still prioritizing the preservation of human life. It’s an interesting balance. It’s also interesting that a show with the above mentioned body horror and nightmare fuel is presented with bright, cheerful, cartoony art and peppy, upbeat music. This is an adventure series, not horror, and sometimes there’s even a degree of beauty in the terrors seen in the mostly standalone episodes. The two leads, Inyou and Zero, are entertaining and have a fun dynamic between them. They act more like family than anything else, with no romantic tension at all so far (and I hope it stays that way). Currently sitting at the top of my watch list.

Ace of the Diamond Act 2 is the sequel series I’ve been looking forward to. The original series was a favorite of mine, with a fairly realistic portrayal of baseball and a team of fun, quirky characters, including Miyuki, the only character that springs to mind when I think of the term, “husbando”. He’s a fan-favorite and incredibly popular for a reason. He’s sharp-witted, the most skilled player on the team, and also has a rather twisted sense of humor (he’s the kind of guy who, upon realizing a new member of the team doesn’t like him, is totally delighted and thinks of how fun that’s going to be). Miyuki gushing aside, the show has great art that rarely goes off-model and somewhat smooth animation. The music so far is okay, nothing special (the opening and ending themes were hit and miss in the original series as well). Main character Sawamura is still annoying (like Asta in Black Clover, he tends to scream rather than speak) but his underdog status and genuine love of the sport and his team make him endearing enough to overlook his negative traits. My only real gripe with the show is its tendency to recap that last several minutes of the previous episode in each new episode, making you wait quite a while to get to the new content. This would be a much bigger deal in marathon viewing, but on a weekly basis, I can deal with it.

Hitoribocchi no Marumaruseikatsu is a cute series about cute girls doing cute things. This is a genre I’m generally not fond of, mainly because the girls in these types of shows tend to be sexualized in a creepy way and their “cute antics” tend to be banal and annoying. In this show, however, neither of those two problems are present. In fact, if the show had a male love interest, it would feel very shoujo to me. The focus of the story is on a shy girl with severe social anxiety trying to make friends in her new school. She’s a bit awkward but cute and earnest, so watching her attempt to talk to strangers is funny but also heartwarming. The small circle of friends that begins to form around her is made up of equally cute and funny girls, each of whom have distinct personalities and character designs. Surprisingly, considering this is based on a manga aimed at male readers, none of the girls seem specifically designed to appeal to a male audience. They come across as genuine, well developed characters. The art and music are cute, but not very notable. My only complaint is the subplot involving a young teacher who takes one look at the blonde, tanned Nako and immediately judges her as a juvenile delinquent and is thus afraid of her. It’s meant to be funny, I suppose, but I find it annoying that a teacher would be so judgmental, especially considering Nako is a quiet, well-behaved student who gives absolutely no indication that she’s a delinquent. Ah well, it’s a relatively minor subplot so I can overlook it.

Bungo Stray Dogs Season 3 was hotly anticipated after a strong season two and the amazing Dead Apple movie. Following a group of supernaturally “gifted” members of a detective agency and their conflicts with other “gifted” groups (including the ruthless Port Mafia), this show is one of the best series of the past several years. It has a bit of Durarara!!’s cool vibe and style, but with a more straightforward story. This is a series that handles all of its various story elements very well, from the action scenes to the heartfelt moments to the comedy, and looks great doing it. I still prefer the comedy and characterization of season one, but only because they were done SO well. The more serious, plot-driven arcs of late are still fantastic. The music is great too, with my favorite opening theme of the season (and there were some outstanding ones this season, so that’s saying something). 

Kimetsu no Yaiba might just be my second favorite new series. Every season has a new show that gets a lot of hype, and in my experience around half of those shows actually live up to that hype. This show is definitely in that good half. With fluid animation, excellent music, and an interesting setup (a young boy’s family is slaughtered by demons, leaving only one sister behind who has become a demon herself, so he trains to become a demon slayer and find a way to turn her back into a human), this series seems primed to become a hit. The protagonist, Tanjirou, is a fairly standard kind-hearted hero training to join a group and accomplish his goal. The series doesn’t tread a lot of new ground in that respect, but it does everything so well that it’s easy to forgive it for not being the most original story. The most interesting aspect is the sister, Nezuko, who instead of being a delicate young flower for him to constantly protect is a demon herself who, in an early scene, literally kicks another demon’s head clean off. She’s a powerful ally in battle, which is refreshing. The other characters haven’t had much screen time yet, but seem fun so far. Overall, it’s a very well-done, if somewhat unoriginal, show. Highly entertaining and high on my watch list.

Midnight Occult Civil Servants is much better than it seems at first glance. Protagonist Arata joins a particular group of civil servants that deal with mythological creatures called “Anothers”. They range from fairies to gods to Japanese-based creatures like Tengu (this mishmash of mythology actually reminds me of Shin Megami Tensei). Arata quickly realizes that he’s the only member of the team who can understand the languages used by the Anothers, and so he becomes a valuable tool when dealing with them. The show presents a variety of creatures with a variety of behaviors. Some Anothers are friendly to humans and mean no harm, while others are outright malicious. Others still are just indifferent. At first, it seems like the show is going to be about Arata clearing up misunderstandings that his fellow team members have about the Anothers, but then the show lets us know that not all Anothers are friendly, and being able to understand their words doesn’t mean Arata can understand their motivations or can do much to stop them from doing bad things. The episodes are often inspired by real life urban legends, and overall has an air of mystery. The art is fine, with interesting, varied character designs but animation that’s just okay. The music is above average though, with my favorite ending theme of the season. It’s not my favorite new show, but it has a secure spot on my watch list.

Attack on Titan Season 3 Part 2 really doesn’t need much of a write-up, since it’s just a continuation of a season that was delayed (and that I already wrote about). I’ll just keep it brief and say it’s still great, is finally getting into one of my favorite arcs from the manga, and has a gorgeous opening theme.

Mobile Suit Gundam Origin is the tv series version of an OVA that details the origins of one of the Gundam franchise’s most popular characters (and one of my all-time favorites): Char Aznable. I never watched the OVA (despite intending to for the longest time) so this is all new content for me. What I find most interesting is the visual style, which looks very much like the classic Gundam art style of the original late 70‘s tv series but with more modern, smooth animation and some CGI mixed in. There’s a strange awkwardness to the art style that feels oddly natural. It was present in the old tv series and it’s present here. It’s kind of hard to explain if you haven’t seen it yourself though. Art aside, the story is definitely interesting. While Char’s basic history had already been revealed years ago, we didn’t really know the details. Char is a complicated character, which explains his popularity several decades after his debut. He was ruthless, cold, and calculating even as a child, but he loved his family very deeply and was surprisingly emotional. There are also badass lady characters to enjoy (who also appeared in the original series - I’ve always found it interesting that a show made in 1979 had more complex, strong, and generally well-written female characters than more modern Gundam series like Wing, Seed/Seed Destiny, and Iron Blooded Orphans). The music is fantastic here, and it’s overall a very solid show. Now I wish they’d remake the original series with this kind of animation (and cut out some of the filler).

Shoumetsu Toshi is, honestly, at the bottom of my list. The animation quality is just okay, with questionable character design choices (for the first few episodes, there were two unrelated female characters with such strikingly similar designs that it was very confusing). The story is a bit of a muddled mess. It mostly follows a young girl who survived a bizarre event where a whole city full of people suddenly vanished (later dubbed “The Lost”), and the young man who has been hired to help her return after she receives a message from her father, who was one of the people that vanished, telling her to come back. The setup is actually very interesting and mysterious. The problem is that the series throws too many concepts and ideas at us way too quickly, and explains none of it. It might be because the show is based on a video game, and the writers assumed people watching the anime would be familiar with the game and its various elements. Already in the show we have time travel, undefined magical powers, totally different powers that allow people to summon the souls of the vanished victims to fight for them like Persona, shadowy organizations doing human experiments, fancy artifacts that grant even more abilities, phantom thieves, idol groups, hackers, detective agencies, and double agents that have infiltrated the police. There’s just way too much going on, and as a result, the core plot that was actually interesting gets crowded out and choked. I’m still watching because the show is still entertaining in a strange way, but it’s a shame that it wasted a lot of its potential.

Carry Over Shows From Previous Seasons: Black Clover

Best of Season: Best New Show: Gunjou no Magmel Best Opening Theme: Bungo Stray Dogs Season 3 Best Ending Theme: Midnight Occult Civil Servants Best New Male Character: Inyou (Gunjou no Magmel) Best New Female Character: Nako (Hitoribocchi no Marumaruseikatsu)

[dreamofcentipedes]

Kaneki, the Oggai, and...Postmodern Neo-Classical Tragedy?

So people have been laying in to Kaneki for killing the Oggai, and I think Ishida too wants us to view this as a serious moral line he’s crossing here. But while obviously killing children is a bad thing, I want to ask why everyone’s blaming Kaneki so unforgivingly when Touka, Yomo, Naki and Miza were killing Oggai left right and centre in the preceding chapters and the morality of that wasn’t questioned in the slightest - it was even considered badass. I’ve heard it said that Touka and Hinami won’t forgive Kaneki for killing the Oggai because they’re children, but Touka’s already killed a bunch of them and Hinami made no objection to that.

I’ve always thought Kaneki gets judged way more harshly than other characters in the fandom for his actions. Kaneki killing humans is given a lot more outcry than any of the Ghoul characters, who have been doing it since before the series even started, and while certainly not sinless, Kaneki is actually a lot higher up on the moral chain than most of the characters in the series. He’s breaking boundaries now that the other characters broke ages ago, but because it’s occurring to him now rather than in the past, it’s negative development rather than positive; so he gets judged more harshly now than, say, Tsukiyama was at the start, despite the fact that Kaneki’s moral fibre is still way stronger now than Shuu’s was back then. But the main reason for Kaneki’s severe treatment, I think, owes to the story’s genre - because it’s a tragedy, we’re constantly looking with extreme scrutiny for Kaneki’s fatal flaw and the justification for his impending downfall.

But the slaughter of the Oggai was an entirely different beast to something like, say, Anakin killing the younglings in Star Wars. The younglings were innocent and posed no threat to Anakin. The Oggai were going to capture Kaneki and most likely keep him locked up in a tube in the same manner as Rize for the rest of his life - not to mention killing all his friends and loved ones. I really can’t blame Kaneki, or any of Goat, for acting in self-defence. 

@hamliet very eloquently makes the argument here that Kaneki’s unforgivable action was allowing himself to end up in this situation in the first place, but I would counter that by raising the point that even if he didn’t kill the Oggai in this exact scenario, he and his army would inevitably have to kill them at some point, simply because they’re the opposing army. Far more so than Kaneki, the people really to blame for the tragedy of the Oggai are Furuta and Kanou for weaponising children in the first place. Goat really didn’t have a choice here - Furuta forced their hands, as an Author of Tragedy well might.

Additionally, we’re never given any reason to sympathise with the Oggai beyond the simple fact of their age. They never show much human emotion beyond crazed bloodlust, which makes it pretty hard to see them as people at all and not caricatures, or to honestly shed any tears for them - very much unlike Shio and Rikai, killed at their hands. With Yamori, we were told about the torture he went through and we pitied him even while despising him. Maybe if we saw a child go through the process of Oggaification, or if we saw them playing around like normal children in their spare time, I might be more shocked at Kaneki’s behaviour here; but as it is, if we were meant to feel sorry for them, it’s not very effective.

I feel much more pain for this perfectly innocent, nameless man who got his head sliced open by Kaneki. But even Kaneki’s dragon rampage is not his fault; he’s non compos mentis, driven mad by his kakuja, pushed to that state by the desire to survive - a desire that is completely natural and justified, and if it weren’t, then Ghouls would have no right to exist at all. How could Kaneki possibly have predicted that this is what would happen if he came back to the base? Worry for his wife, child and friends is hardly a fatal flaw that justifies his transformation into a city-terrorising monster - and indeed, it was his actions that saved their lives...at least for now.

I can’t in good faith blame Kaneki for this outcome. So rather than trying to find tragedy in the flaws of the protagonist in the modern understanding of the genre, here it might be better to look to the classical definition of tragedy. In Aristotle’s Poetics, he argues that tragedy should serve the function of evoking pity and fear in the audience.

“The one [pity] is to do with the man brought to disaster undeservedly; the other [fear] is to do with [what happens to] men like us.”

The word hamartia didn’t refer to a fatal flaw as it is currently understood nowadays, but rather just a mistake. Here his mistake was going back to the base, a decision which, while rooted in his character, did not spring out of a flaw. The mistake is supposed to be blameless; it’s important that he is brought to disaster underservedly, just like with Rize.

Aristotle uses Oedipus Rex as his prime example for tragic format, whose hamartia was killing his father - he didn’t know it was his father, and in Ancient Greece it was considered fair enough to kill a stranger for splashing you with dirty water. Modern readings try to point to Oedipus’ rage or pride as the reasons for his downfall, but the way Aristotle read it was that Oedipus didn’t deserve his downfall at all. The purpose of tragedy was to remind us of our mortal weakness in the face of the power of the gods. The futile struggle of an individual against the author of his existence. 

Kaneki suffers like Job, clay in the hands of his maker, nothing more than a penstroke of the tragedian. 

He inspires our pity in waves, stumbling upon this tragedy by sheer misfortune. He tries to rationalise it by attributing the blame to himself with arguments that he hasn’t been strong enough, but that’s just a man trying to understand a classically tragic world through the lens of modern tragedy, and his efforts to become stronger only lead to greater tragedy.

He inspires our terror by just provoking the thought that all Kaneki has gone through could have happened to any one of us in that world. Indeed, Kaneki’s initial character design is meant to look as much like a typical Japanese teenage boy as you can get, and most readers of the series can relate to Kaneki’s shyness and bookishness. Like your typical everyman, Kaneki doesn’t care for much more than his loved ones. He hasn’t received this lot because of ambition, or jealousy, or wrath - just because of the divine will of the world he lives in. 

Now, TG doesn’t fit with many of Aristotle’s other rules for tragic format - it has unity of neither time, place, nor action (and a good thing too, if every tragedy followed Aristotle’s format they would get very boring very quickly) - but I think this outlook is definitely worth considering, given the number of times the words “This world is wrong” are repeated throughout the series. If this holds true, then that would make Tokyo Ghoul not just a tragedy, but a Postmodern, Neo-Classical Tragedy. Which is a cool enough concept in itself, but if there’s still room for hope - if Kaneki can yet triumph over his genre, and man can at long last defeat the gods - then TG would truly be a landmark in the evolution of Tragedy. Recent events have shaken my optimistic outlook a little, but whichever direction it goes from here, it’s still a literary tour-de-force of phenomenal proportions.

[webmixtressissa]

So Saturday evening, some shit went down. I had a bit of a meltdown and nuked my friendship with Maria because I thought it was “the right thing to do,” which more and more I’m starting to realize is a narcissistic viewpoint.

So sometimes I’ll have a meltdown over certain unpredictable triggers. This is mostly my own damn fault because I haven’t made a serious enough effort to seek mental help and open up to my friends. When living with Maria, oftentimes I’ll “offer” to leave partially because I have a serious guilt about living with her and when I’m in that state of mind, I have this faux-”selflessness” where I narcissistically assume that me leaving/dying will contribute to solving Maria’s problems. Obviously this is demonstrable false but it feels so logical at the time. This is compounded by the fact that I have terrible communication skills (partially because my concern over being abusive leads me to feel like I can’t open up without seeming emotionally manipulative, which ironically seems to lead to actual emotional manipulation as I attempt to solve all mine and Maria's problems in the most mentally fucked up ways possible).

So me and Maria had this friend who was a lot closer to her than to me. He comes off quite often as being condescending towards me, and whenever he talks about being a furry, he oftentimes comes painfully close to saying that his being a furry and the negativity that brings is somehow equivalent to, say, the oppression felt by being trans or gay or what have you. I’ve tried to be accommodating as best I can, despite these annoyances, and most of the time we got along fine. He has this painfully annoying inability to deal with any sort of conflict, and very often tends to do that “I’m a centrist so I’m morally superior” thing.

So he posts that markiplier video (you know the one) which is the stupidest thing to have a fight about, but he’s very self righteous about it. I offer one reply to his video (saying that everyone is not deserving of respect and that calling people out for shitty behavior is not dehumanizing as is said in the video) and he replies with a tweet heavily implying that his being a furry is in any way comparable to being a jew (or alternatively, if he was being sarcastic, implying that “death to all jews” is an acceptable joke).

So I don’t respond back because I don’t want to make this worse, and Maria says she’s not coming home and is going to sleep in her car because she wanted to be alone. Now, the reasonable thing to do would be to offer to go sleep at a friend’s house so that she could be alone in her apartment, or to accept her decision, but I’m already super off-kilter and rather than explaining what I am upset and stressed out about, I tell her I’m moving out.

You see, this friend just bought a huge house but only him and his wife live there. It seemed obvious to me that the only reason they’d get a house that big is to house Maria since they are helping with her bills currently and will be helping her pay for college soon. As I don’t think I could stand living in the same house as this guy, I’ve been panicking silently about what I’m going to do if/when the time comes. Of course, I don’t tell Maria any of this because I’m terrible at communicating (I was scared that expressing my fears would be seen as trying to manipulate Maria into denying the friend’s potential offer even though such an offer is objectively in her best interest) even though we’ve had multiple conversations after various breakdowns about this same communication issue.

So here I am, feeling backed up against the wall because I feel like I’ve nuked the relationship with this mutual friend and increasingly worried that if I stick around I may fuck up Maria’s friendship with him. My mind is already telling me I’m a shitty person when Maria says she’s not coming home for the night, so my brain instantly goes to “God, you’re so terrible that she’s afraid to come home because of you,” instead of the much more realistic “She just wants to be alone, this is a normal thing Maria does.”

So of course, thinking I’m an abuser (but being blind to the actual abusive things I’m doing) I decide it’s time to kill myself, as I almost always do when I’m having a breakdown, and knowing my last experience with attempting suicide, I know I can’t convince myself to jump over the ledge to my death, so I decide that if there is nothing to come back to, I’ll have to reason to hesitate (this is stupid for multiple reasons, the prime one being that self-preservation doesn’t fucking work like that). So I say some shitty things and pack a bag of basically nothing (I’m not intending to stay alive for long after all) and leave. The next day, I try to kill myself and discover my self preservation is as strong as ever.

So I’m freaking out about what I’m going to do. I’ve had some breakdowns where I left to go kill myself, but never this serious. Mistake #473 was messaging Maria to ask her if I could get my meds (when what I really wanted was to talk to her and try to calmly explain myself, because even in crisis I don’t realize it’s probably a good idea to be crystal fucking clear about what’s going on), but of course, I get there and Maria leaves to avoid me (a good fucking idea on her part, as my brain was swimming with “I have an amazing idea that will make everything better!” because I’m still high on adrenaline from the attempt to propel myself over the edge of a parking garage roof and thus was probably not in the best condition to calmly explain myself) and I just panic and grab the pills (all my pills, even the ones I don’t actually need just because whenever I face the slightest obstacle and I’m not in my right mind, I go straight to suicide and overdosing seems like a good idea, right?) and leave, not thinking to grab any clothes because I’m still thinking that things are gonna work out all right or I’m going to die. I sit down across the street because I’m exhausted from walking. I get the “great” idea to leave a note on Maria’s door trying to briefly explain myself and offer to talk at a place down the street (as my phone is dead at this point and the charger I took is non-functional), “trying” to respect her boundaries by not confronting her at or near her apartment. Of course, trying to fit a bunch of complex feelings on an index card with a sharpie while still fucked up is not possible so I write the stupidest thing ever and leave it.

A few hours later, I walk and see the note hasn’t been taken, so I leave a note on her car that I’m going to a friend’s house to charge my phone. I get the phone charged after much difficulty and message her, and she tells me to not talk to her again. My head starts spinning and I start crying and after trying and failing to sleep because I’m disassociating hard, not able to tell what is read and my perception of time gets all fucked up. In desperation, I message Maria (despite telling her I would respect her wishes and not contact her again) hoping for some grounding in reality and  of course I just blather a bunch of desperate bullshit, prompting her to rightfully block me. I start trying to down a bunch of pills but fail because ever since my last overdose, I can’t get down even single pills easily at all, my body pretty violently rejects them.

That was the point that I message Meghan and we did a call. Hearing her voice helped bring me back to reality and think slightly more reasonable, instead of living in my night-terror-lite state for the rest of the night.

Overall, I think Maria was totally in the right here to cut me off the way she did. We’ve had numerous conversations about my tendency to fly off the handle and my failure to communicate and I obviously haven’t taken those conversations to heart. I also have refused to commit to seeking therapy and anti-depressants and allowed my anxiety to keep myself from getting better. If I could do this over, I think moving out while trying to seek therapy would have been a damn good idea anyways, and it would have given us both some time to ourselves and a chance to unwind.

Of course, my mind is swimming with “what-ifs” but none of that matters when the damage has been done. It becomes clear to me that my attempts to “Sacrifice” myself (I.E suicide) are narcissistic in nature. In reality, my death would mean nothing but grief for those close to me, and not some mystical way to solve everyone’s problems as if I’m that important. It would seem that my attempts to try to be as different as possible from my family have led me to being much more like them than I could ever be comfortable with. I’ve abused those close to me thinking I was doing right by them without ever caring to ask them what they wanted. Brain Maria was for some reason much more trustworthy than real-life, best friend Maria and that behavior is what cost me almost everything I cared about.

It’s beginning to look like if I want to live, I’ll need to move back with my parents if they’re willing. It terrifies me, but they’re my best chance at getting on disability and finally being self-sufficient. I just hope that if it does turn out with me getting approved for disability however long in the future that it will have been worth losing Maria over. This wasn’t just one mistake, this was a long series of mistakes and ignorant decisions that led to this outcome, and pretty much every single one is my fault. If I don’t learn from them then I won’t ever get better, no matter how much help I’m given

[kingsterracerp-blog]

Thank you for applying, CHARLOTTE. You have been accepted as PENELOPE MORAN. Just don’t forget to check out our CHECKLIST and send in your account within 24 HOURS. If you have any questions then let us know!

OUT OF CHARACTER.

NAME: charlotte AGE: 22. TIMEZONE: est ACTIVITY LEVEL: 7/10 i should be able to be online for an hour or hour + each day, I do work two jobs so some days or for some hours I might only have energy for chats/easy threading. PRONOUNS: she/her SHIPS: /chem. ANTI-SHIPS: /forced. TRIGGERS: Removed. PASSWORD: Removed. ANYTHING ELSE: Removed.

IN CHARACTER.

DESIRED CHARACTER: penelope rosa moran. NICKNAMES: penny, pen-pen, poppy (which she goes by.). AGE/BIRTH ORDER: 25. oldest twin. FACECLAIM: phoebe tonkin. GENDER IDENTITY/PRONOUNS: female, she/her pronouns. SEXUAL/ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: /pan HOMETOWN: Atlanta, Georgia. OCCUPATION/EDUCATION: BPD officer.

(MORE) IN CHARACTER.

POSITIVES: physically strong, motherly, determined. NEGATIVES: hot tempered, secretive, sarcastic.

@poppym: i feel like i would actually pay someone to pour coffee into my mouth this morning.. @poppym: jacob decided that he was ‘too old’ to hold mommies hand today, so i picked him up and threw em’ over my shoulder. #momoftheyear.. @poppym: i miss being pregnant, now whenever i eat pickles and frosting i get dirty looks. #fuckyou #itslegit..

BIOGRAPHY.

** TW DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, TW VIOLENCE, TW RAPE**

Life in foster homes was odd, watching as everyone you grow close to get adopted, get taken- and yet, you are still there it was something that Penelope knew from a young age. Growing up, she was alone, not counting her sibling, whom she clung onto in all times, every time- she went to school- got into fights after, and came home, it wasn’t until she was older that she’d try her best to take care of the kids that would come and go from the place. She figured no one deserved to feel as alone she did. Her foster parents were not the nicest people, they were the prime example of ones that used the system for money. So it was clear that the house was overpacked with kids, she would make sure all others were fed before herself, she’d steal good, clothing– she helped raise a lot of the children that came through the doors, even if she was a child herself. From the time she was able to obtain working papers, Poppy worked~ she started working at a diner in town at the age of 14, starting as a simple bus girl, then to a hostess and by the age of 16 she was a favorite waitress, one that people came back to see. Every bit of money she got she saved, only spending when she needed new clothing, things for school, she had dreams of leaving this place, leaving this home. One thing that most would not assume at a first glance was that Poppy has the strongest motherly instinct, she had always been one that wanted to take care of her ‘family’, whether it was prepping dinners every night, making sure all the kids were passing, that their laundry was done correctly, the house was cleaned, anything to take the pressure off her foster parents, she would do. The one thing she found her ‘fun’ in, was art- all her extra classes she had were ones that had something to do with art- mainly she likes to stick with painting. It’s not something she shows off so to speak, she uses it mainly as a relaxer.

Her 9th year did have it’s drawbacks- that was the year she found herself in her first serious relationship, she loved this man more than she had ever thought, he was the perfect guy in her eyes- he just.. he had a temper. At the time she thought she could fix him, that she could show him not everyone would let him down but at a point where she was asking for simple things as in times for work, if she could go to the bathroom when with him, where every day she’d be getting beaten, slapped, kicked, burned with cigarettes, used as just a means for sex and a punching bag, she decided enough was enough and tried to end the relationship as the middle of her Senior year started, about a month before Christmas. That ended horribly, he had simply told her that “If I can’t have you, we are going to make it so no man even does.” and the next thing she remembers is being knocked out, waking up at least 30 minutes later but now… now she has four straight- foot long cuts across her face. They all stayed on the left side of her face, the longest going from her cheek to the bottom of her jaw, and one going to the top of her mouth- she was now… as he put it, marked. The backlash from the accident was a whirlwind from her foster parents claiming she did this to them, that she ruined them because she did something that could reflect badly upon them, to the school placing blame on her, saying if it was so bad, why didn’t she leave early- that she liked it– she’s heard it all. Beth wasn’t someone that liked to take pity on herself, but as she was a senior in high school, two weeks before graduating, she found out she was pregnant. In the bathroom between the Lit hall and Science wing, she found out she was pregnant. To this day, her foster parents do not have an idea of her son, of her life she’d make for them. She thought about abortion, adoption, but that February night, 19 years old, Penelope for the first time in her life fell in love. Jacob Giovanni Moran was born February 14th, and from that moment on, Poppy’s life wasn’t just hers anymore.

The day she graduated high school, that night at the age of 18 she was packed and traveled to Boston- she needed a new start- somewhere where she didn’t have a ‘name on the streets’, where people didn’t know her, didn’t know her past, and this was the perfect opportunity for her. By the time she was 23, she had been boxing for 4 years, obtained her black belt, and was skilled in hand to hand combat, she made a point in getting stronger, used what happened to her with Peter as fuel. She never wanted to feel that weak ever again. The first week she was in New York, she started MMA training classes and those guys there, the people at the gym, are some of her closest friends- and she is one of the most respected fighters they’ve had. Poppy gets a pleasure of being able to take men to the floor, to see that her body is strong enough and it can do exactly that- it makes her happy. She has her demons though, there are some days she can’t handle to be touched, they happen every few months- where she gets rather off put but the simple act of a touch, and if a victim of night terrors, daily nightmares. Her life in Boston, it was so much better, she made a family within herself, with the police department, with the guys at the gym, her son was so loved– he had enough aunts and uncles to make anyone jealous. Balancing it all with a child was hard, but she made it through, she was able to face the world with just her and her cub.

One thing she always will be is a protector, a fighter- that is something that will never leave her, and she’s sure that it’s a good thing, she never wants to go back to feeling weak, She has a very thick skin, protective walls, but she now as an adult, has finally opened part of herself up to people, to let herself be happy, and for how long it took, she doesn’t have time to be anything but okay. The thing she takes the most pride in is her career, as a BPD, a police officer, someone that speaks to the youth of the dangers of abuse– to go to high schools, colleges, workshops and share her story it’s nothing she thought she’d ever be able to do. But it’s all hidden by her touch exterior, she uses it as a means to protect herself, she never wanted to feel as week as she did those 4 years she was nothing but. Poppy is devoting her life to be strong, to use that strength to protect those that cant. She lives her life for the future of her son, she wants to shape herself into someone he is proud to call his mother.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST STRENGTH? HOW DOES IT COME IN HANDY?

Just that, fucking strength– it’s all find and dandy having that mouth, that some see as strength with words, but there is nothing that beats the physical. Being a physically strong person gives you an independence no one would ever imagine; it comes in handy in my career. I was one of the only woman that graduated with my class, you gotta be tougher than the guys, it’s the only way they;ll respect you. Also, nothing says a ‘shut the fuck up’ like a knee to the face, you’d be surprised– it comes in handy.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST WEAKNESS? HOW DOES IT AFFECT YOUR DAY-TO-DAY LIFE?

The ‘I don’t care’ attitude I tend to have, while it’s all fine and dandy to be a boss ass bitch; sometimes that bitch needs to cry, and when you think that’s weak, that’s a whole bunch of unsolved emotions that are gonna bit that ass.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS?

A mother to a teenager and slowly losing my mind, probably.

WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO KING’S TERRACE?

New faces, new chances, all that cliche shit.

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND TELL YOUR YOUNGER SELF SOMETHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Stop being a fucking mother at 8 years old and be a fucking kid– no 8 year old should be starving just to keep others fed, should be stealing to get mouths fed, they should be a fucking kid. Oh and for your teenage self, don’t work 10-13 hour days ontop of school, one that’s illegal and two, get some damn sleep- stop fighting random people, get your stupid color pencils and draw a sun or some shit like that. Don’t get involved with someone that’s gonna fuck you right on up, dump his ass.

[tragicbooks]

When a terrorist attack happens, keep these 12 helpful points in mind.

Terrorists want to divide and conquer. Don't let them.

Terrorist attacks are horrifying.

In the wake of each one, we see the faces of victims on our screens. We hear interviews from witnesses breathlessly describing the terrors they endured. We feel a lot of conflicting, disorienting things — fear, sadness, anger, confusion, hopelessness, and despair — sometimes all at once.

We're often left wondering why?

It's easy to feel utterly helpless when terrorism takes lives. But there are ways you can defy the people and ideologies that inflict so much tragedy.

1. First, if you can, be the helper.

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers,'" Mr. Rogers once said. "You will always find people who are helping."

It's a quote that often circulates in the wake of terror attacks. But it's not just because it's reassuring; it also rings true. Anyone can be a helper if they're in a position to do so.

Helpers opened up their homes for victims and survivors in the wake of the May 22, 2017, bombing in Manchester, U.K.

#RoomForManchester 10 mins taxi from city centre, can provide a safe place to stay, a cup of tea, charge your phone, please message me

— #votelabour (@saveuglyanimals) May 22, 2017

Helpers also drove hundreds of miles to take home stranded travelers from the airport after the 2016 terrorist attack in Brussels. Small-business workers helped to protect their patrons in Paris last year after gunfire and blasts killed over 100 people.

Let compassion, not fear, inspire you to act in the hours and days following an attack. (Helping others doesn't just benefit victims; it helps us cope with tragedy, too.)

2. Then, remember terrorism seeks to divide, and don't let it.

Whether it's right-wing extremists targeting Planned Parenthood or jihadists targeting a French music venue, remember that terrorists are often hell-bent on creating the divisiveness that allows their message to thrive.

The vast, vast majority of Muslims, for instance, vehemently reject the messages behind groups like ISIS or al-Qaida. In fact, Muslims — not Christians or Jews — are by far the biggest victims of Islamic extremism. In the same way Westboro Baptist Church doesn't represent Christianity, radical Islamic groups don't represent Muslims.

3. Now, turn off the TV.

When tragedy strikes, we tend to stay glued to cable news for hours, hungry for more details, even when watching makes us more scared and more anxious. Our 24/7 news model is the perfect, sensationalized medium to disperse terror near and far, and extremists understand this well.

Vox's Carlos Maza breaks down how damaging this sort of news coverage is for our brains:

News outlets are already replaying footage of the Manchester incident. Be wary of what that's doing to your brain: http://pic.twitter.com/KWX9ns3W9j

— Carlos Maza (@gaywonk) May 23, 2017

Listen to the American Psychological Association: After a terrorist attack, it's best to watch cable news sparingly (if at all).

4. When you do watch or read about what happened, especially as the news is still breaking, don't fall for or share fake news.

Terrorism seeks to breed chaos. There's usually a rush of contradicting news reports in the hours following an attack (all the more reason to turn off cable TV). Your social media feeds will be inundated with images, requests for donations, questionable quotes from supposed eyewitnesses, and photos purporting to show the immediate and gory aftermath of the attack.

News outlets or pundits sometimes jump to conclusions about the attackers' race or religion — a knee-jerk reaction rooted in xenophobia — and irresponsibly spread false or unconfirmed information. And some people, incredibly, exploit the tragedy for clicks and attention.

Reporting can often be wrong in rush to report. Check out @onthemedia's Breaking News Consumer's Handbook. #ManchesterExplosion http://pic.twitter.com/IovZudYfVH

— Rick Trilsch (@ricktrilsch) May 23, 2017

Don't add to the chaos. Vet what you're reading and sharing to make sure it's accurate. If you're not sure, don't share it. If you see people spreading false news, let them know.

If you choose to donate to an organization, make sure it's a credible one — like the many doing lifesaving work in support of refugees.

5. Donate to the people and causes affected by terror.

No one better understands the destruction Islamist terrorism can bring like refugees in countries like Syria and Iraq. Whether they've been affected directly or were uprooted due to the political ramifications of terror groups, refugees desperately need our help. Learn more and support organizations like UNICEF, Save the Children, and Islamic Relief USA.

Photo by Kutluhan Cucel/Getty Images.

In the U.S., domestic terrorists often target groups based on factors like race, politics, or religion. A Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado, a black church in Charleston, South Carolina, the streets of Dallas, where five police officers were shot and killed, an LGBTQ nightclub in Florida — they've all been ground zero in recent atrocities. When terrorists attack these groups and causes, we can fight back by supporting the groups' missions, helping them rebuild and reopen, and building bridges to boost understanding.

6. Put the real threats of terrorism into perspective.

In the U.S., you're far more likely to die in a parachuting accident or be buried alive than to be killed by a radical jihadist. You're also more likely to die at the hands of right-wing American terrorists — which, of course, isn't a comforting thought, but it does say a lot about how differently we see and react to radical Islamic extremism and domestic threats.

Now that you know the facts...

7. Don't cancel your plans; go to a concert, the movies, or your favorite restaurants.

After all, the fears we typically experience after a terrorist attack are pretty irrational, as psychiatrist Richard Friedman expressed in The New York Times in 2015.

"[The president] has to help us all realize that when we are in the grip of so-called emergency emotion — extreme fear and anxiety — we privilege our feeling over our thinking," he wrote. "And our estimation of the danger we face is exaggerated by our fear."

Go live life as you normally would — free of fear. That's exactly what most terrorists don't want.

8. Support leaders who want to fight all forms of terrorism with facts and level-headedness — not with fear-mongering.

Banning Muslims from entering the U.S. won't make us any safer, according to national security experts. But it will help bolster recruitment for extremist groups.

Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images.

Many times, American right-wing extremists who carry out heinous acts of terror are excused as "lone wolfs," and their atrocities are overlooked or minimized by our politicians. If a terrorist's skin is white, reaction to their crimes will be much different than if they're from, say, Syria.

Support leaders who understand the nuances of both global and domestic terrorism and know how to fight it.

9. Talk about the damage of toxic masculinity.

Terrorists and extremists from all walks of life and religious beliefs usually have one thing in common: They're almost all men. Mass shooters, Christian extremists, jihadists, and others around the globe often find purpose in ideologies that give them a (false) sense of power and control.

We need to talk about how our collective inability to stomp out toxic masculinity — the attitudes that confine males to being violent, aggressive, and unemotional — is swaying men to find their purpose within extremist sects of all sorts.

10. Share news stories that help counter negative stereotypes about Muslims.

In the case of a terror attack that ISIS or another Islamist extremist group takes credit for, it's especially important we acknowledge how most Muslims are reacting after terror strikes.

They're as scared and horrified as anyone else.

"Oh Allah give us peace" the head Imam says in his prayers #ManchesterArena http://pic.twitter.com/an9CeB1L1S

— Aisha S Gani (@aishagani) May 23, 2017

After an attack near the U.K. Parliament building in March 2017, Muslims United for London raised thousands of dollars for victims and their families. Muslim groups in Florida rushed to get blood donations for victims of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando last year. In the wake of the Manchester, U.K., bombing, Muslim charity Human Appeal created a campaign to aid those affected by the atrocity.

These stories don't reflect the few. They reflect the feelings and attitudes of most Muslims.

11. Reach out to Muslims in your own community.

Needless to say, anti-white hate crimes don't spike in the U.S. after a right-wing extremist goes on a shooting rampage. Islamophobic hate crimes after a jihadist attack on the other hand? That's a different story.

This can leave American Muslims feeling isolated and targeted while fueling the type of division that acts as a recruiting tool for terrorist networks.

As an ally, this is when you're needed most.

Photo by Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty Images.

Leave a friendly note for the Muslim family nearby (or, better yet, knock on their door and say hello). Get lunch with the Muslim student who lives down the hall in your dorm building. Offer to walk with Muslims to and from mosques, like New Yorkers did last year, so they're more protected from violence on the street.

Do what you can to let our Muslim neighbors know they're welcome here.

12. Whatever you do, don't succumb to fear.

Do just the opposite.

As former Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg said in 2011 after a horrific attack by a right wing extremist resulted in the deadliest incident in Norway since World War II (emphasis added): "We are still shocked by what has happened. But we will never give up our values. Our response is more democracy, more openness, and more humanity."

Remember: Compassion and empathy do far more in fighting terrorism than divisiveness and fear.

"Fight or flight" is real, and it makes sense that those instincts tell us to build walls or turn away from our neighbors in the face of senseless violence. It's in those moments especially that we have to remind ourselves that that's what extremists want us to do.

When terror strikes, turn off the TV, parse through the fake news, and do what you can to help those who need it most. Live your life exactly how terrorists hope you don't.

[socialviralnews]

When a terrorist attack happens, keep these 12 helpful points in mind.

Terrorists want to divide and conquer. Don't let them.

Terrorist attacks are horrifying.

In the wake of each one, we see the faces of victims on our screens. We hear interviews from witnesses breathlessly describing the terrors they endured. We feel a lot of conflicting, disorienting things — fear, sadness, anger, confusion, hopelessness, and despair — sometimes all at once.

We're often left wondering why?

It's easy to feel utterly helpless when terrorism takes lives. But there are ways you can defy the people and ideologies that inflict so much tragedy.

1. First, if you can, be the helper.

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers,'" Mr. Rogers once said. "You will always find people who are helping."

It's a quote that often circulates in the wake of terror attacks. But it's not just because it's reassuring; it also rings true. Anyone can be a helper if they're in a position to do so.

Helpers opened up their homes for victims and survivors in the wake of the May 22, 2017, bombing in Manchester, U.K.

#RoomForManchester 10 mins taxi from city centre, can provide a safe place to stay, a cup of tea, charge your phone, please message me

— #votelabour (@saveuglyanimals) May 22, 2017

Helpers also drove hundreds of miles to take home stranded travelers from the airport after the 2016 terrorist attack in Brussels. Small-business workers helped to protect their patrons in Paris last year after gunfire and blasts killed over 100 people.

Let compassion, not fear, inspire you to act in the hours and days following an attack. (Helping others doesn't just benefit victims; it helps us cope with tragedy, too.)

2. Then, remember terrorism seeks to divide, and don't let it.

Whether it's right-wing extremists targeting Planned Parenthood or jihadists targeting a French music venue, remember that terrorists are often hell-bent on creating the divisiveness that allows their message to thrive.

The vast, vast majority of Muslims, for instance, vehemently reject the messages behind groups like ISIS or al-Qaida. In fact, Muslims — not Christians or Jews — are by far the biggest victims of Islamic extremism. In the same way Westboro Baptist Church doesn't represent Christianity, radical Islamic groups don't represent Muslims.

3. Now, turn off the TV.

When tragedy strikes, we tend to stay glued to cable news for hours, hungry for more details, even when watching makes us more scared and more anxious. Our 24/7 news model is the perfect, sensationalized medium to disperse terror near and far, and extremists understand this well.

Vox's Carlos Maza breaks down how damaging this sort of news coverage is for our brains:

News outlets are already replaying footage of the Manchester incident. Be wary of what that's doing to your brain: http://pic.twitter.com/KWX9ns3W9j

— Carlos Maza (@gaywonk) May 23, 2017

Listen to the American Psychological Association: After a terrorist attack, it's best to watch cable news sparingly (if at all).

4. When you do watch or read about what happened, especially as the news is still breaking, don't fall for or share fake news.

Terrorism seeks to breed chaos. There's usually a rush of contradicting news reports in the hours following an attack (all the more reason to turn off cable TV). Your social media feeds will be inundated with images, requests for donations, questionable quotes from supposed eyewitnesses, and photos purporting to show the immediate and gory aftermath of the attack.

News outlets or pundits sometimes jump to conclusions about the attackers' race or religion — a knee-jerk reaction rooted in xenophobia — and irresponsibly spread false or unconfirmed information. And some people, incredibly, exploit the tragedy for clicks and attention.

Reporting can often be wrong in rush to report. Check out @onthemedia's Breaking News Consumer's Handbook. #ManchesterExplosion http://pic.twitter.com/IovZudYfVH

— Rick Trilsch (@ricktrilsch) May 23, 2017

Don't add to the chaos. Vet what you're reading and sharing to make sure it's accurate. If you're not sure, don't share it. If you see people spreading false news, let them know.

If you choose to donate to an organization, make sure it's a credible one — like the many doing lifesaving work in support of refugees.

5. Donate to the people and causes affected by terror.

No one better understands the destruction Islamist terrorism can bring like refugees in countries like Syria and Iraq. Whether they've been affected directly or were uprooted due to the political ramifications of terror groups, refugees desperately need our help. Learn more and support organizations like UNICEF, Save the Children, and Islamic Relief USA.

Photo by Kutluhan Cucel/Getty Images.

In the U.S., domestic terrorists often target groups based on factors like race, politics, or religion. A Planned Parenthood facility in Colorado, a black church in Charleston, South Carolina, the streets of Dallas, where five police officers were shot and killed, an LGBTQ nightclub in Florida — they've all been ground zero in recent atrocities. When terrorists attack these groups and causes, we can fight back by supporting the groups' missions, helping them rebuild and reopen, and building bridges to boost understanding.

6. Put the real threats of terrorism into perspective.

In the U.S., you're far more likely to die in a parachuting accident or be buried alive than to be killed by a radical jihadist. You're also more likely to die at the hands of right-wing American terrorists — which, of course, isn't a comforting thought, but it does say a lot about how differently we see and react to radical Islamic extremism and domestic threats.

Now that you know the facts...

7. Don't cancel your plans; go to a concert, the movies, or your favorite restaurants.

After all, the fears we typically experience after a terrorist attack are pretty irrational, as psychiatrist Richard Friedman expressed in The New York Times in 2015.

"[The president] has to help us all realize that when we are in the grip of so-called emergency emotion — extreme fear and anxiety — we privilege our feeling over our thinking," he wrote. "And our estimation of the danger we face is exaggerated by our fear."

Go live life as you normally would — free of fear. That's exactly what most terrorists don't want.

8. Support leaders who want to fight all forms of terrorism with facts and level-headedness — not with fear-mongering.

Banning Muslims from entering the U.S. won't make us any safer, according to national security experts. But it will help bolster recruitment for extremist groups.

Photo by Andrew Harrer-Pool/Getty Images.

Many times, American right-wing extremists who carry out heinous acts of terror are excused as "lone wolfs," and their atrocities are overlooked or minimized by our politicians. If a terrorist's skin is white, reaction to their crimes will be much different than if they're from, say, Syria.

Support leaders who understand the nuances of both global and domestic terrorism and know how to fight it.

9. Talk about the damage of toxic masculinity.

Terrorists and extremists from all walks of life and religious beliefs usually have one thing in common: They're almost all men. Mass shooters, Christian extremists, jihadists, and others around the globe often find purpose in ideologies that give them a (false) sense of power and control.

We need to talk about how our collective inability to stomp out toxic masculinity — the attitudes that confine males to being violent, aggressive, and unemotional — is swaying men to find their purpose within extremist sects of all sorts.

10. Share news stories that help counter negative stereotypes about Muslims.

In the case of a terror attack that ISIS or another Islamist extremist group takes credit for, it's especially important we acknowledge how most Muslims are reacting after terror strikes.

They're as scared and horrified as anyone else.

"Oh Allah give us peace" the head Imam says in his prayers #ManchesterArena http://pic.twitter.com/an9CeB1L1S

— Aisha S Gani (@aishagani) May 23, 2017

After an attack near the U.K. Parliament building in March 2017, Muslims United for London raised thousands of dollars for victims and their families. Muslim groups in Florida rushed to get blood donations for victims of the Pulse nightclub shooting in Orlando last year. In the wake of the Manchester, U.K., bombing, Muslim charity Human Appeal created a campaign to aid those affected by the atrocity.

These stories don't reflect the few. They reflect the feelings and attitudes of most Muslims.

11. Reach out to Muslims in your own community.

Needless to say, anti-white hate crimes don't spike in the U.S. after a right-wing extremist goes on a shooting rampage. Islamophobic hate crimes after a jihadist attack on the other hand? That's a different story.

This can leave American Muslims feeling isolated and targeted while fueling the type of division that acts as a recruiting tool for terrorist networks.

As an ally, this is when you're needed most.

Photo by Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty Images.

Leave a friendly note for the Muslim family nearby (or, better yet, knock on their door and say hello). Get lunch with the Muslim student who lives down the hall in your dorm building. Offer to walk with Muslims to and from mosques, like New Yorkers did last year, so they're more protected from violence on the street.

Do what you can to let our Muslim neighbors know they're welcome here.

12. Whatever you do, don't succumb to fear.

Do just the opposite.

As former Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg said in 2011 after a horrific attack by a right wing extremist resulted in the deadliest incident in Norway since World War II (emphasis added): "We are still shocked by what has happened. But we will never give up our values. Our response is more democracy, more openness, and more humanity."

Remember: Compassion and empathy do far more in fighting terrorism than divisiveness and fear.

"Fight or flight" is real, and it makes sense that those instincts tell us to build walls or turn away from our neighbors in the face of senseless violence. It's in those moments especially that we have to remind ourselves that that's what extremists want us to do.

When terror strikes, turn off the TV, parse through the fake news, and do what you can to help those who need it most. Live your life exactly how terrorists hope you don't.

from Upworthy http://ift.tt/2qkdzMT via cheap web hosting