#and I don't get withdrawal type symptoms if I don't have any

[cripplecharacters]

hi, so I’m probably undiagnosed ADHD and I wanna write a character who is diagnosed ADHD and the problem I’m having is with meds. How I was planning to write them is that they’re a drummer and the character doesn’t always take their medicine when they are going to drum because it makes them feel like a bit slower and almost have like a delayed response or something. I’m still working at the kinks, but I feel like that could come off as really insensitive towards how ADHD meds work and like I don’t fully know how ADHD meds make you feel because I’m undiagnosed and I don’t wanna write it wrong and all of that.

-🥁

Hello!

That's... not really accurate to how ADHD meds work at all. Though this would be insensitive, my main concern is the inaccuracy and the harmful misinformation that this is spreading.

First thing: ADHD medication -- like any daily medication -- isn't something that can just be taken when you want to take it. It's one thing to forget a dose every so often but deliberately missing doses on a regular basis is very harmful.

Not taking it regularly can cause the medication to be less effective for your character and can cause them to be hit worse (by their symptoms and their withdrawal) every time they miss a dose. It can also cause the medication to just... stop working for your character as they develop a tolerance for it.

I take Concerta (also known by the name Ritalin) and when I miss a dose, I certainly end up feeling it.

For me, the first thing I notice is just a weird feeling. Like something in the world is different. It's hard to describe but, to other people, I'm told that it looks like I'm spacier and in my own world.

I have a very hard time focusing and can't last more than a few minutes without spacing out -- even if I'm actively involved in a conversation. It makes it impossible for me to attend my lectures and take notes, let alone take a test or an exam.

Because I also have anxiety and several other mental conditions, this also has a major impact on them. The increased rejection-sensitive dysphoria (RSD) that I experience triggers an increase in my anxiety (even if I've taken my anxiety meds), which in turn causes an increase in my dissociative symptoms.

The brain is a complex organ -- one we don't fully understand yet. Nothing happens in isolation.

Aside from the ADHD-specific side of things, there's also the withdrawal.

While it's not as bad as the withdrawal from my venlafaxine (the meds I take for my PTSD, anxiety, depression, and dissociative disorder. Three cheers for medication that multitasks!), withdrawal from my Concerta is still not great.

When I miss a dose, I end up sleeping almost the entire day. I just can't stay awake. I also get a horrible headache that can't be touched by Advil or Tylenol and I end up with no appetite (though apparently most people experience the opposite -- an increase in appetite). I also experience an increase in my depression.

Though it will of course be different for everyone (especially if your character is on a different type of medication), what I'm getting at here is that ADHD medication doesn't work like this. You can't pick and choose when to take it.

Taking ADHD medication doesn't make you feel "slower" or have a "delayed response" or anything like that. In fact, those feelings are more likely to come from missing a dose.

Something else that needs to be considered here is that ADHD medication is constantly portrayed as being bad/evil/negative and especially as something that's only done to dull the character with ADHD and make them more "palatable" to those around them. It's shown as something that stifles their creativity and forces them to become exactly like everyone else.

This can't be further from the truth.

Although it is true that ADHD is often over-diagnosed and over-medicated, the effect that ADHD meds have on those who need them can be life-changing.

These harmful misrepresentations of ADHD medication have major consequences in the real world. Not only do they undermine the struggles of having ADHD and reinforce the idea that ADHD is just being hyper/unfocused, they also discourage people from seeking the treatment that can help them.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't want to go on medication and my parents didn't want me to either. They thought it would make me dull and lifeless and kill my creativity. Even after I'd done my own research and decided to try it, my father spent weeks telling me that ADHD was just "western propaganda" and didn't actually exist.

I see this same attitude in teachers, other parents, and even doctors all the time.

Although some people can be quick to diagnose a child with ADHD and medicate them when there may be another cause for their behaviour, overcorrecting in the opposite direction helps nobody.

If you want to write a character with ADHD and especially one that's on medication for it, please do your research first. You don't have to have ADHD or be on medication to do that. This article [Link] discusses the impact of poor ADHD representation while this one [Link] talks about what happens when you miss a dose of ADHD medication.

In short: please don't do this. ADHD isn't just the "silly hyper can't sit still" disorder and the medication for it is an actual treatment that helps so many people. Treat it as seriously as you'd treat any other disorder.

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

[raileurta]

For symbiosis au I would like to propose a what if scenario(takes place in the same universe that most of humanity just straight up died in to to viruses): the cybertronians go wayyyy to far and humanity all decisively get so pissed off at them that they get banned to the barren parts of the world…somehow, by shear force of will/anger

Cue the human withdrawal symptoms! 😃✨and the capability’s of really really pissed off people, and don’t forget the crippling obsession that comes with loneliness, aka the cybertonians just snatching up any humans they see on sight Neuron (or whatever equivalent of neurons they have) activation!

Cybertonian when human: be like

Oooooh the cybertronians getting banned to the barren parts of the Earth/Cybertron I never considered. I was thinking originally that humans just got on some ships and just peaced out. ✌️ Also I could see humanity being pissed off enough to be able do that.

Yeah the withdrawal symptoms are really bad. I haven't finalized the exact symptoms yet but I do see them being general drug addict withdrawal symptoms but with cybertronians. I also love the idea of them coughing up black tar like stuff.

Lmao the neutron activation. Definitely similar to that. Now I'm just picturing them picking up humans and smelling like as if they were snorting cocaine.

Also before I forget, I don't know if I said this already but the obsession is not inherently romantic; a good portion is but not all of it. It's like more of seeing humans as their objects or as godly figures. It depends on the type of crazy cough cough autobots vs decepticons cough.

[writingsinashes]

So a few things!!

I am still on a semi-hiatus! Just because I'm here for a day to do something like this (the whole remaking the multi shebang), work on graphics or code, lurk, or maybe make a few posts here and there—basically just me being online—doesn't change that fact.

I WANT TO WRITE. PLEASE KNOW THAT. I WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE OOC. DO NOT DOUBT THAT.

I need people to understand that I am currently going through something that makes it hard for me to maintain a thought, much less elaborate on it, almost all the time.

The only reason I'm not in radio silence anymore is that I've reached the part of my withdrawal where the DTs are really hurting; therefore, any distraction is welcome, and even though it may be short-lived, it is a distraction to refresh the Dash and just wait, read the amazing threads, or just say hi.

If I stop responding, I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and my fractured state of mind. I shit you not, I've gotten up and have taken a shower only for me to get back into my nest and forget- and end up showering again without knowing.

I am not joking. I am not okay, but I'm trying to get there.

It's just that these types of things take time, especially since it's all happening without being admitted to an inpatient rehab facility and having to cope with the symptoms and pain without the help of something to help dull it medicinally and supervised by a doctor.

We're not even going to talk about how finals are coming up or the fact that I can no longer NOT be working because of my relapse. I. Am. Doing. My. Best. At. Just. Waking. Up. Every. Day.

Life doesn't go according to plan. I don't think that's surprising news. This isn't how I saw 2024 ending or how 2025 was supposed to start. But it's time to roll with the punches and keep going because its been too long a journey for me to just roll over and let myself get beaten.

Addiction isn't going to beat me. Pain isn't going to win. Waking up to a new day isn't going to be something to dread. People can't just bully their way into my world and try to take away my coping mechanisms without me fighting for the right to be sane and stable.

I just need support, which I am getting from you guys and Jasmander, and the knowledge that after this hellatius is over, I'm going to have somewhere to come back to and be the me you all have known, be the me that is me.

At least that last sentence made me laugh.

I love you guys.

Thank you for sticking with me and listening to me bitch and moan, follow this blog then that blog... thank you guys for not abandoning me like my tunnelminded bad brain thoughts taunt me with.

This turned into a TL;DR so thank you for coming to this TED talk and I need to give you a hug for getting this far and bless.

I need to try to eat because it's not been a success today, but not to be a cliche... one day at a time, right?

[tragicallyuncreative]

Atsila Cade

Johnny didn’t look enthusiastic. He wasn’t a big fan of Curly, especially since he gave him weed under the guise it was a cigarette and had a bad reaction. He proceeded to spend four hours locked in the bathroom, in tears because he was hearing voices and terrified he was getting sick like his mom.

~

I have no clue what story this will appear in, if any. But I will continue to reference my headcanon that Atsila Cade is schizophrenic (obviously, we know little about her in the book other than the fact that she's an abusive alcoholic). I don't want to make her a truly sympathetic character, as there's no excuse for child abuse. However, I see her as much more than a one-dimensional character who's simply evil and abusive for the hell of it.

Atsila was born in the Cherokee Nation Reservation near Ottawa, Oklahoma and resided there with her parents until her early 20s, when she met Anthony Cade. She began showing symptoms of schizophrenia around age 16, which is unusually early but not unheard of. Initially, there was no cause for alarm. It was small changes; withdrawing from others, not sleeping, having difficulty focusing on academics. Her auditory hallucinations were also not a red flag, in face, it was considered a good thing. Many cultures and religions practice shamanism, a practice that involves interacting with the spirit world. This is certainly a valid thing and does not mean one is mentally ill, rather, they are hearing voices because they are receiving communications from ancestors, spirits, elementals, etc. However, Atsila's experience was different. Her hallucinations were intense and harmful, and she developed classic symptoms of paranoia and delusions of grandeur.

By the time she met Anthony Cade, she was extremely vulnerable: a minority woman with a mental illness and desire to escape her circumstances. He was an alcoholic with a bad temper and desire to control others- and she was an easy target.

She was diagnosed with schizophrenia following an involuntary hospitalization and prescribed medication. Like many individuals with this diagnosis, she struggled with medication compliance (stopping because they feel "better", fear that pills are actually poison, etc) as well as an alcohol addiction as it masked her symptoms and quieted the voices. Alcohol did a good job at suppressing her delusions, unfortunately, under its influence she was angry and abusive, no better than her husband.

Her longest stretch of sobriety and medication adherence was nearly a year, when Johnny was six. Her arrest and subsequent court-ordered therapy and treatment regimen did wonders. She became the type of mother little Johnny had hoped for- loving and dedicated to making a better life for her son. She was nowhere near perfect, but it felt like enough for him. She took him to the reservation to meet his grandparents, and he felt connected to his culture for the first time. She made meals. She helped with homework. It didn't last.

Johnny spent his teen years (and later in our happy alternative endings) terrified that he would become afflicted with the same illness that stole his real mother, the person deep down, away. He wouldn't touch drugs or alcohol, afraid it may trigger the process. He obsessively had Ponyboy find books on schizophrenia and read them to him, hoping to find something, anything, that could decrease his chances of developing it. And he clung to the memories of his mother in those good days, going back again and again to the home he hated, to shouting and abuse and fear, hoping for glimpses of her again. And sometimes, he was rewarded.

[thisgardenofromance]

Got whacked in the head with fic inspo a few days ago and I can't stop thinking about it anyway imagine what a shitshow it would be if Tamaki and Kyoya started kissing as a performance in the host club here's why

Okay first off there's no way either of them would ever consider doing that for an audience unless they felt like they were already in too deep, which means there's gotta be some shenanigans that get them there. Mayhaps a public accident along the lines of this fanfic by @sircarebearalot, or that girl in the manga who gets withdrawal symptoms about them (relatable) starts getting a sizeable amount of people on her side, or they pull a split-second stunt to save another host, etc etc etc. Whatever it the first incident is, it's gotta be big and it's gotta be something they can't brush under the rug with guests and it's gotta have a really positive analytical result, so it encourages them to do it again. And then again. Until it becomes a habit and probably goes from like a peck here and there to more involved.

Okay now onto the actual interesting bit: the angst

The premise is inherently homophobic (not to get preachy lol, that's just the facts). The guests want to watch male-on-male shenanigans because THEY find it sexy, and they find it sexy because it isn't a threat to them. I mean, I can't guarantee this is exactly how straight people who are into this sort of thing actually operate, seeing as I'm not one myself, but at least from the language of the manga (and the general vibe of a Reaction I get from certain men when they find out I'm a lesbian) the belief seems to be that a gay relationship isn't as real as a straight relationship. It's sexy, because they don't think of it as someone else's life - most of them are not out here asking to watch straight people act couple-y or kiss or have sex, are they, just same-sex relationships between the gender they're attracted to - it's just the fantasy of sex or love or whatever for their viewing pleasure. It's simultaneously foreign, and exactly the type of thing you're attracted to. I think. I think that's the appeal.

The point is, it's never supposed to be valid. The assumption is that it isn't.

So now, put yourself in Tamaki and Kyoya's shoes. They're already in the situation. They are making out, specifically when girls are watching. Tamaki's a homophobic gay who has trouble reflecting and has 100% bought into the idea that it means nothing even though it feels like something and he wants to do it. Kyoya is a huge simp who has trouble saying no to Tamaki because he's head over heels and is also convinced that he's never gonna get any better than this, so he keeps doing it despite the fact that he's afraid that there may be consequences down the line and also it hurts to know it's Not Real. The rest of the host club are watching with horror at these two idiots being the most idiots in the world.

The resolution of the climax is they stop making out at the host club and start making it out in private instead With Feelings this time.

[youremyheaven]

I needed advice on how I can let my mind have a rest. It's always being stimulated ALWAYS. Most of the time it's okay I can live with that but other times it can be really hard and tiring. Sometimes you just wanna rest both mentally and physically.

Meditation is the answer

It's not easy and it'll take you time to get the hang of it but honestly just start meditating

The first time I meditated, I was a teenager and my mom took away all my devices and I was banned from using the internet and since I was so used to being online ALL THE TIME (like a lot of people who live in abusive households and use virtual stimulation as a means to sedate themselves from their reality) I literally thought I was losing my mind. I was having withdrawal symptoms and behaving like an addict in rehab (as someone who has literally suffered from addiction, I'm not exaggerating with this comparison)

I felt so disconnected from the world and isolated and I was screaming & crying and I had tried meditating before and it never seemed to work for me but that day idk I just closed my eyes, crossed my legs and sat there bc there was nothing else to do. I didn't follow any technique or any specific type of meditation, I was just sitting still and I felt.... something.... It wasn't an awakening or some light beam or whatever some people say, I just felt very present in my body. I had never paid attention to my breathing or my heart beat before that as such and suddenly I felt myself observing my body and it's mechanisms and it just hit me that "I'm here" and then I kept trying again. I think I (unintentionally) got lucky bc being banned from using any devices gave me a very sage like ashram ambience that a lot of people get when they go on retreats, so I could avoid any kind of stimulation for days on end. It would be hard to try meditation when you're staring at a screen before and after it.

I am by no means discouraging you, just that it'll be harder. But it just means you should practice it more intensely. Every fibre of your being probably wants that dopamine hit from a quick scroll through the phone but you have to force yourself to not do that and this is very very hard. It takes a lot of discipline.

You have to create an environment free of distractions. Clear clutter, don't work on the bed. Keep all devices away from your bed in general. A space with no screens and no distractions or anything. Look around you and see what's distracting you, it can be a variety of things from certain colours to devices to the arrangement of furniture. Fix that. By creating an atmosphere of calm, you'll find it easier to BE calm. Then sit down to meditate.

I know a lot of people say stuff like "oh get an offline hobby" etc etc but that's just substituting one kind of distraction for another. (Which is not to say you shouldn't have real hobbies ofc).

I think an easy way to get off the phone is to go for walks, go to the gym or pilates or something physical. Once you do things without the phone and get used to it, it'll help detox your mind as well.

I hope some of this was useful hehe

Lmk how it goes for you

[the-blossica-fan]

Greetings!

Yeah i remember that Sonetto and Schneider swap art, probably could find it later.

Yk what would be a funnier combo? Lilya and Vertin swapping, or really anyone swapping with Lilya.

Literally the both of them suffering withdrawal; Vertin suffering in Lilya's body with alcohol withdrawals because ofc shes not drinking, and Lilya in Vertin's suffering picrasma withdrawal because she HATES the stuff probably.

Horropedia and Blonney swapping? Idk anything but the pure chaos in it happening, Jessica would IMMEDIATELY know they have swapped but idk the rest? Up to you!

You always give me the best stuff to put my brain to work, I love this!!

Allow me to use my beloved overworked brain for this.

Lilya in Vertin's body would not be able to hold onto the primal need to eat Picrasma Candy. Her mouth feels empty and waters taste like some sugary substance (I believe this happens when you eat too much sugar), her (Vertin's) body NEEDS Picrasma, but oh Lord Lilya is NOT eating that shit.

Drinking Vodka has a wrong reaction as well, she ends up on the floor 5 seconds before throwing up. She can't drink, nor does she want to eat Picrasma, she's in mental pain.

Meanwhile, Vertin can't eat Picrasma candy because of not drinking alcoholic beverages. Lilya's body is used to a certain quantity of alcohol, so even if she drinks something light, her (Lilya's) body NEEDS vodka, and Vertin is not Lilya and it tastes like shit so she's having terrible withdrawal symptoms.

She can't even nap it out nor concentrate on her work, her body demands alcohol and the nausea is way too much. She had to drink way too much low alcohol drink in order to get it to hold on for a while. She was drunk.

Horropedia and Blonney, my Lord...

Blonney HATES it. She feels so sweaty and she can't see shit every time she takes off his glasses. She definitely took off that sweater and wore something more comfortable on his skin, she's also complaining so much about his skin. He sleeps well, that's for sure, but my Lord is he greasy. He eats junk and she eats healthy.

Horropedia Is definitely more curious on this change from an investigative perspective. Blonney's chest is big so... He's experiencing the pain of women with big breasts and he doesn't like it

"Blondie, how can you live with this?! This is, really painful. I can't lie on my stomach!"

"Could you PLEASE stop mentioning this?"

They have so many troubles regarding each other's bodies but that's because of the gender of each person, and Horropedia's lack of skin care which Blonney will fix. Horropedia doesn't hate the body but he definitely wasn't made for it.

And Blonney is such a lesbian she can't hold onto this body any longer.

Jessica definitely has a dilemma. She loves Blonney and the softness of her body... Blonney's body is Horropedia. What is she going to do?! She throws a couple punches at Horropedia though

"Oh, finally, you don't smell like sweat and dust!"

"Hey! How dare you? I don't smell like that!"

"You're right, it's worse."

She definitely hangs out with Blonney more but, in her mind, she's probably like "I miss Blonney's soft body 😞", but she's not hugging Horropedia.

Mmmm, as for a couple extra body swaps... Matilda and J.

Matilda would be so proud in J's body, definitely happier to be taller and presuming her (his) muscles. She also loves his style so she's not changing anything.

J is quite in pain. He is now small and in the body of a silly girl, he has fun being small and the fact Matilda is pretty strong even with her body type fascinates him. He's working out in her body to have some muscles since Matilda had a lot of work and doesn't exercise outside of work.

"Hah, I can finally understand why you never appear in photos. You're so small you can't even see the camera"

"Consider your next words carefully! The great Matilda is in care of YOUR body and isn't afraid to damage it!"

And maybe Isolde and Marcus! You would think it's Isolde and Kakania, oh Lord no I'm not THAT cruel 😞

Marcus can't breathe in Isolde's body, she still wears corsets, and they're very, very tight. Marcus is actually pretty worried for her safety but it seems she's used it, meanwhile Marcus is suffering. Yeah Isolde's lungs are used to it, but Marcus' brain is not and Lord does it hurt to breathe. She did take Hoffman's coat from Isolde and ended up wearing it over Isolde's nightgown as the only clothing that's comfortable for her.

Isolde didn't find any issue with Marcus' body, not like she has any complaints to make. Without the coat, it just feels so comfortable and calming. She feels like she could be peaceful forever. She can't sing and can't hear the ghost's voices so she's quite peaceful. Drinking tea by the window, equally as gloomy as ever but you can feel more comfortable.

Oh, by the way, Marcus is having a fistfight with Heinrich's ghost while she's in Isolde's body.

[slashthrashandcrash]

You should spill your thoughts more on the vibes of slasher x final girl; it’s giving me something to chew on for my own Danny/OC fic haha

I’m rabid about the idea that they just upturn everything—a disgusting happy little accident that turns what they thought was important to them upside down and now it’s trying to decide if it’s wed, bed or behead?

*SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE* OKAY SO HEAR ME OUT--

I've said it before in an absolute word vomit here but I'll say it again: I love a Slasher that is so utterly out of their depth when it comes to experiencing genuine human connection that they're forced to rely on their homicidal instincts/habits for comfort.

Obsession at first sight is always a classic, but something that's also peak is a Slasher falling head over heels without even realizing it. They've begun stalking their Final Girl, as they do with all their victims, learning her routines, who could be potential victims by proxy, tease her with close encounters -- the whole shebang. They never realize that they've almost started watching her...without an ulterior motive? There's no reason they need to know what her favorite flowers are or how she likes her coffee or what she wears to bed, but they do anyways.

And then that moment when they finally, finally have her cornered and in their grasp, the end of a well drawn out hunt, they find that they suddenly can't go through with it. It's a very inopportune realization to have. All the work they've put in stalking and harassing her, picking off the people closest to her one by one, it comes to a screeching halt in their mind. She's trembling. She's frightened. She's bloodied and teary eyed and begging so sweetly when she's not fighting for her life. Of course, it's every Slasher's favorite sight to behold, the prize to be won! Yet there's something different about it this time...not regret, per se, not mercy.

They want her like this all the time. They don't want this moment to end with a blade to her throat like every other victim before her. And just as much as they love to see her petrified under them, they also want to see more of the times she's smiled and laughed and bat her pretty little lashes (all candid moments they witnessed from afar, mind you). They want her, just her. But they want her alive.

It's this moment of confusion and inner turmoil that allows the poor Final Girl to slip out of their grip and escape to the sequel, and the Slasher spends an embarrassing long time processing this new development. They've never experienced such a whiplash before. It felt like bloodlust, but not quite. They still felt the same type excitement when she shivered and pleaded for her life, watching her struggling and feeling her heartbeat again them. Killing her though? Not an option. In that moment, she became the most addictive feeling and they'll be damned if they let her get away again. She's better than any drug. She's all the fun and none of the mess, although does she still look damn good in the resulting mess regardless.

There is a hierarchy of needs and she is at the very top. They need to touch her, feel her squirm, hear those lovely little whimpers, taste her fear -- at the same time, they want to know what it feels like to have her lean against them, flash them that soft smile she gives everyone else who don't deserve it, kiss their cheek and promise she'll never ever leave them. They legit feel like they're on a high when she's around them and withdrawal symptoms are a real bitch. If they can just find a way to keep her by their side, they'd be set for life between the rush of a killing spree and the addictive effects of her fear/love...

[flamingo-writes]

Hello Flamingo!!! how are you? I hope ok.

This is an idea that came to my head a few weeks ago, if you'd like to write it, it's up to you! I hope you like it💕

Reader who was generating a great addiction to the medications that were prescribed for his anxiety and depression, adding other types of addictions such as cigarettes or alcohol, meets Hobie/Spider-Punk and helps they with this problem, empathizing with their situation, Hobie would visit Reader from time to time to ask how things are going or develop some kind of relationship with they.

I think it's an essence of Hobie that you don't often see and I think it's something he would do quite often.

I am finally replying to this! Jesus, I am so SORRY for the delay!

I absolutely loved this request! And I learned so much about addictions during my research. And got google constantly concerned offering me hotlines every google search.

Flirting With An Addiction — Hobie x GN!Reader

Title based of the song Particles by Nothing But Thieves. Love this band, love this song, helped me set the mood for the angsty parts. Especially any live or acoustic version 😭

A/N: i have to clear some stuff first, because some of you are too quick to feel victimised. I do not specify colour nor gender of the reader. I do mention the reader looks pale at some point. Now, because it happened to me once, that someone tried to get sassy with me because dark skin can’t get pale, yes, yes it can. If you have a heartbeat you can get pale, period. Pale is not only a synonym for white, paleness is a medical term used to describe the loss of normal colour in skin or membranes. Pale is a way to describe someone who presents paleness. If you have dark skin, you can still get pale when you’re sick.

Warnings: drug consumption, needles, depictions of several withdrawals symptoms like stomach issues (emetophobia), depression, anxiety,

Word count: 2.7K

Hearing from your parents first hand that you had gone missing was the worst that could have happened to Hobie Brown. You were his favourite person, his best friend, his go to confidant, his partner in crime. And hearing you had gone missing felt like the ground on his feet started crumpling down. His lungs ran out of breath as he mouthed:

"What?”

And your mother explained, drowning in her own tears. And even as she did, he couldn’t understand what was coming out of her mouth, as a horrendous buzz was drilling his brain. He simply heard: "drugs" "weed" "ecstasy" "used needle" "gone". His stomach turned, making him feel nauseous as he couldn’t find anything to say to your parents other than:

"I’m so sorry" he said. "I could’ve helped them" he said. "I wasn’t there for them," he said. And with that, he was gone. Somewhere along the line, he put his mask back on and took off.

Pav and Gwen were there with him when it happened. What started as an innocent hangout at his place, turned into a search party. When Hobie thought of inviting you over as well and realising you weren’t picking up the phone in your house, he decided to look for you. You weren’t at your place, you weren’t at his, your coworkers said you hadn’t showed up for work in three days, and that’s when he went to your mother.

"They’ve been gone for the last five days…" were the last things he heard before that painful buzz started echoing in his head.

He took off. And he’d never swung so fast in his entire life. Pav and Gwen didn’t even have the chance to exchange glances when both of them were running after him. "Running". Between not being familiarised with Old York’s building distribution, nor being familiarised with the streets, they had absolutely no clue where Hobie was heading. They simply guessed Hobie knew where you were.

Boy, we’re they wrong.

Hobie had not the faintest clue where you were. He had a notion of where you could be. But with every fibre in his body he wished he was wrong. "Used needle" was perhaps his best clue, and possibly the one that terrified him the most.

He had a pretty decent notion of where the most famous crack houses were. He’d grown in the streets, of course he knew. More than once he’d been in them, not to make business, but because he was looking for something or someone, or doing Spider-Man duties. And truth was, the very last person he thought he’d ever go looking into a crack house was you.

As he arrived to the first one and kicked the door open, the few junkies there flinched, expecting to see a copper. But instead they saw Spider-Man. He looked around. Pushers, burnouts, and crunched junkies passed out on the floor. Some, Hobie wasn’t even sure they were still alive. He walked around looking for you.

Pav and Gwen caught up with him, and soon realised what was going on. Hobie did not know where you were, he was looking for you. Gwen didn’t have much experience with the darker side of her New York, she was creeped out. Pav, on the other hand, was the youngest of the gang. And he’d been Spider-Man for so little, he hadn’t had the misfortune to end up in the lower parts of Mumbattan. Pav was terrified.

"Hobie?” Gwen asked as he quickly walked out of the flat.

"Not ‘ere" He mumbled, more to himself and took off again.

It went on like that for the next few hours. Crack house after crack house. Desperately looking for you, whether you were baked out of your mind, or simply OD. But the fact that with every place he went to, his chances of finding you grew narrower and narrower, he didn’t know what he preferred. To find you dead on the floor of one of those nasty places, or not finding you at all. With each location, Hobie’s anxiety grew, his movements became clumsier, rougher, even more aggressive.

"Hobie, wait—" Pav yelled after the fifth crack house.

But Hobie didn’t stop. He listened, but his mind was rushing with adrenaline, hyper focusing on his task at hand: finding you.

The guilt accumulated in his chest, weighting more and more with every passing minute. Why was he even feeling guilty for? It’s not like he’d given you the drugs, and forced a needle up your arm. But he knew you had problems with loneliness, he knew about your consuming anxiety and your seasonal depression. He knew you had a strange relationship with your medication. He knew you were picking up a liking for recreational drugs. Harmless stuff like weed and shrooms. Acid at most. He should’ve imagined you’d eventually try to stray into the drugs you swore never to mess with. Ice, dust, junk…He should’ve guessed something like this was going to happen. But he was busy. He was busy being Spider-Man, he was busy jumping between universes. He was busy helping others, but not helping you. Not when he knew you had it rough. That guilt consumed him. He was busy helping everyone else, but you. He was busy helping people from another universe, but not that one person who he considered his family, his world. And boy, that guilt was drowning him.

Was it good luck or bad luck when he found you? He couldn’t tell. He felt his blood turn cold the moment he saw you.

Despite the pale look on your face, and the dark circles under your eyes, but you looked so peaceful. Lying on a dirty mattress, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, relaxed face. You looked so beautiful in the most disturbing way. Thinner than what Hobie remembered. And so terrifyingly still. Were you alive and lost in some euphoric dream? Or were you dead? It was hard to tell. You didn’t seem to be breathing.

Hobie rushed to your side, and he quickly checked your pulse. He called your name, almost in a desperate cry as his eyes quickly teared up behind his mask with the most suffocating feeling of powerlessness and incompetence that he’d ever felt washed over him. You groaned in response, unable to form coherent words and simply stuck to noises, your mind was far too dissolved, drowned in heroine, trapping you in a haze.

He checked your pulse. He checked your breathing. Your eyes of course were almost completely black due to the high. And you had a couple of marks on your arms from needles. Hobie didn’t even dare to count them, the less he knew about your newfound addiction the better for him, or so he thought. He looked around and next to the mattress there were various classic heroine use paraphernalia, making Hobie’s throat close.

"No, no, no, no baby…" Hobie whispered as he stared at you as you lied there, relaxed and heavy in his arms. He pulled his mask off to better look at you. For you to look at him if you were there by any chance. "Not heroine, why heroine…" He whispered as he pulled you closer and kissed your forehead. "You knew heroine wasn’t to be messed with, one time is fine, two makes you an addict, sweet’eart…" He purred with his lips pressed against your skin.

"Hobie…" Gwen said gently touching his shoulder.

"We have to go," Hobie said at once as he carried you.

Once in his boathouse, Hobie gently set you down on his bed as he sat on the edge and stared at you attentively. His eyes looking miserable, as he caressed your cheek delicately.

"Hobie?” Pav said, slowly walking inside his room. "We’re very sorry…"

"I am too…" He murmured in response.

"Can we help?” Gwen asked softly.

Hobie was ready to tell them to leave him alone for a while, when he actually thought of something.

"Yes…"

He then gave them a short shopping list with food and over the counter painkillers and some medication for stomach issues. It seemed very random to them, but in that moment Hobie thought he’d keep you in his boat and help you through your detox. At least as long as he could. A week or two, to start, and from then, he’d improvise along the way.

His impulsive and spontaneous thought of keeping you there over the period of detox didn’t really prepare him for the absolute torture it turned out to be.

To him, it was terribly, awfully, agonisingly painful. Watching you suffer like that. The way you whined and curled up on his bed, crying in silence from the pain, dealing with the tummy issues. The nausea, the not being able to leave the bathroom, looking weak, constantly upset, the shivering, and awful ups and downs in your anxiety and your mood.

Everything hurt, your head, your limbs, every muscle in your body, your stomach, even organs you couldn’t exactly pin point where they were, now you could because of the sharp pain. Even the smell of food made you excruciatingly nauseous, and puke green bile across the room, even feeling nausea was painful. It was hell. You were dying, you were sure your entire body was shutting down and you were going to die in this aching hell. Too anxious to sleep, to weak to move, too nauseous to do as much as roll over on the bed, too shaky to even be able to hold things in your hands. Sometimes you didn’t even feel your limbs at all for hours.

He could only imagine how it was like for you. How it was going inside your head. But sitting and watching was awful for him. He wanted to help, and from an objective point of view he knew he was helping, but he didn’t want you to hurt. He wished time and time again that he was able to take that pain away from you. The first three days were the peak of your suffering. And there was nothing Hobie could do other than keep an eye on you and get you what you needed.

When the physical symptoms started to subside, when you were able to keep food in your stomach, and when you stopped complaining about everything hurting, the psychological symptoms began. The consuming guilt and anxiety, the fear of showing up at work or at your parents’ house, the fear of the disappointment. Pitying yourself, pulling yourself down into that depressive hole you’d been digging.

Crying every night before going to bed became a recurrent event. You crying your heart out as Hobie held you tightly in his arms, comforted you until you’d fall asleep. You cried several times a day, but the one before bed was always the worst.

And soon, it became a recurrent event. Hobie keeping you all in one piece, as you cried and your heart broke all over again. His long yet strong and warm arms managed to hold you together every single night. Soon, sleeping together became a habit. And more than a habit, soon, Hobie’s company became a better painkiller than the pills you took. His scent managed to soothe the nausea which was thankfully decreasing with every day. His warmth seemed to help you control the shivers and the goosebumps. His voice quieted down the mean anxious thoughts in your brain. His company drifted you to sleep for several hours without waking up with tachycardia and short breath.

Falling asleep in his arms became just the right medication, although the long term effects were still there. But they were much bearable. The mornings were the best time of the day. First thing in the morning, drowned in the aftermath of that sleepy haze, you’d always find yourself staring at Hobie.

He didn't like mornings, he wasn’t a morning person. But something about seeing him sleep, his face relaxed, thick lips slightly parted, and the dim sunlight hitting his face, making him look absolutely gorgeous. Had he always been this attractive? Easy, yes; he had always been an attractive lad. But had you always felt that feeling in your heart? That was new. And you were sure it was not the usual tachycardia you’d get from the drugs, but something Hobie did unconsciously.

"You know it’s real creepy that you stare at people while they sleep…” He whispered softly as he woke up slowly, opening his eyes slowly and seeing you staring at him with a subtle and sweet smile on your lips.

"Shut up" You chuckled.

"How are you feeling?" His voice was low and raspy, still creeping with sleep.

"Better…although that might change in a couple of hours" You sighed, already getting mentally ready for the awful up and downs in your mood and anxiety.

"I’m sorry"

"That my life now, I guess"

"It’ll get better…it’s been getting better hasn’t it?" He immediately added as he looked at you, slightly more awake, taking in the details of your face, as you were snuggled next to him, most of your body touching his, sharing the same comforting heat.

"Yeah I think so" You purred.

"Hey, I’ve got you, okay? Not letting you fall again into that dark place"He whispered, leaning forward, bumping his forehead against yours, as one of his hands caressed you cheek, making your heart skip a beat.

"Thank you" You closed you eyes, as you savoured this sweet intimate moment with Hobie.

"Don’t mention it, luv"

"But I mean it…" You whispered. "You’ve been basically the entire time here…keeping an eye on me…ignoring your Spider-Man duties…I’ve heard you argue with that Miguel guy over your watch…"

"He can fuck off," He said with a cheerful whisper and a chuckle "he’s got another hundreds of spider-people at his service, he doesn’t miss me, he just likes to be patronising…"

"I still appreciate it very much…" Your eyes opened slowly with your statement as you stared into his eyes, and he seemed to immediately get lost in yours.

"No problem…I’d do anything for you…"

You both stared into each other’s eyes. And something about his eyes was slightly different. The eyes you grew up looking at, those eyes you knew how to read perfectly, almost being able to read his thoughts, now had something slightly different about them. Something that made your heart race and your cheeks grow hot. Something Hobie saw reflected in your own.

And you both read each other’s minds. And you both leaned forward without having to be told. Closing your eyes, you felt your breath leave your lungs when you felt his warm lips against yours.

Hobie wasn’t by any means a slow tender guy, he was the passionate dude who knew how to use his tongue. Not this time. This time he felt the world stop, time stop, and all there was, was you. And he wanted to savour it. He kissed you slower than he was used to. The kiss was gentler than what he was used to. He was used to kissing strangers, perhaps someone he shared chemistry with, but never really someone he cared for as much as you. This felt far more special, far more unique. This felt like something he could get addicted to, and something he wanted to relive often.

As he broke the kiss slowly, catching his breath, he opened his eyes and stared at you as you remained with your eyes closed, still processing what you’d felt. He smiled and bumped his forehead against yours.

"I promise you, you’ll be alright, okay? I’ll make sure you’re safe and sound…even if it kills me" He reassured you.

"Please don’t say that," You murmured.

"What?" He chuckled.

"Anything that’s in some way related to you dying," Hobie chuckled, thinking your concerns were very cute, although very understandable as well.

"Fine…" He replied "I’ll make sure you’re safe and sound even if…it’s a near death experience…better?"

“No, not really…" You chuckled, "but I appreciate the effort

"Hey, you mean so much to me, you know that?"

"You mean mean so much to me too…"

[myrskyscum]

Heyyy! Can I please get a Giriko alter from the Soul Eater manga? Using the whole template, but also please include biastophile in his paraphilias♡

Sure (You can change any of this if need be as some parts were unfortunately rushed, and/or could need some more time to think about.)

□ Phobia's/Triggers - Dependency / Heavy Sensitivity to rejection. Nyctophobia (Fear of dark / Paranoia), Astraphobia/Brontophobia (Fear of thunderstorms - dislikes sudden noises.) Phonophobia (Fear of sudden loud "sharp" noises), Mazephobia (Fear of being lost or in new surroundings. Especially, if he doesn't recognize himself at the time.). Spectrophobia, eisoptrophobia, catptrophobia (all names for fear of mirrors -> Self hatred of appearances / cycling appearances, new body takes time to adjust.

[Source or not] Semi-Source related, Source positive in some aspect, but generally source negative as she/he views themselves as the original. (Dislikes doubles, or IRL's -> Can be disrespectful at times due to lack of understanding or caring for social norms.).

■ Paraphilia's [Biastophilia/Sexual Sadism Disorder. Autoerotic asphyxiation. Sadomasochist (Context Dependent). Raptophilia. Stigmatophilia. Rope Fetishism/Bondage.]. Vorarephilia "Vore" (Context and person dependent. -> Not as likely to care.)

□ Age -> Chrono [800+ years]/Trans [Around 18-early 40s] -Adult* -> Non-linear aging/Bio [Headspace Body is around 6-19yrs/age slider]

■ TransIDs/CisIDs

CisID: Interment Explosive Disorder, NPD/ASPD-like-symptoms {Inflicting Pain -> Dopamine} {Depressed state turns into anger/masking/arousal. Can split on people he hates/form attraction out of hatred of that person similar to an FP in BPD}, Bipolar type 1 {mimics ADHD symptoms at times}, CisPiercings, CisSharpteeth, CisAggressive, CisBodyFluid/CisShapeShifter {mental headspace sensations / dissociation (*can feel when close to shifting/changing in or out of bodies}, CisAlcoholic (High Alcohol Capacity but Chronic Migraines due to usage), CisSpikeyHair, CisPowers/Abilities (His WaveLength in headspace turns him dizzy some of the time especially when combine with alcohol.) PermaDPD (The body has more control then he does over his own mind.).

Loyalty to a fault. CisGaslighter (Hallucinations/Illusions/Delusions partially spurred on due to the amount of alcohol intake), CisPerveted/PermaPerverted. SemiVerbal-SemiSpeaking (Usually shouting/more likely to communicate verbally in headspace.). Misanthrope, Null Pessimism.

Host -> CoHost -> GateKeeper -> Persceutor.

ForcedBigender / Genderfluid (Agender/Masc changes if he is fronting or has swapped bodies.).

Trans: PermaAlcoholic, PermaViolent, TransKid/TransObject, TransKnifeCollector + TransRussianRoulettePlayer. Transnecrophiliac, TransRapist, TranSerialKiller/DuoKiller, TransInfamous (Famous for brutal crimes), TransShopLifter/AlcoholThief, TransDrugAddict, TransPrejudice, TransInvisibility, TransMindControl, Heavily Transharmful (Military Coded, such as gun/bomb disruptor/Holding a city captive/TransKidnapper), TransPoliceMan (To incite violence), TransPoliticalFigure (Despite no interest in Politics), Depressionnull, ADHDnull, BPDnull, HogTherian/BullTherian (+Avian Therian with a hyperfixation on birds/metallicwings), TransBrawl (/In a Tavern causing a brawl or mass hysteria.). TransMarriage (To have a wedding but not be stuck in a relationship). TransMono/TransPoly (Identifies as neither as labels don't matter to him.) TransNightOwl, TransMoonWatcher, TransHysterical/Insane, TransInnocent, Transloving/caring, TransSchoolshooter. TransWolf/TransWolfFult, TransBlack/Grey/Brown Fur variants. TransCollegeApartment (Academically gifted.). Transquiet. Transhyperpolyglot. Transhateful.

[+MI's / Dissociation responses] <- [Tulpamancy + Willogenic systems in mind.]

Dissociation response include delayed timing, or withdrawal of fronting. Tends to go on Hiatus or Dormancy (+Freeze response -> Can become fight or flight in certain situations.).

□ Names / Tags or symbols. Giriko/"Saw"'/Neuron / Rob/Robbie/Robert -> Username Idea's include, ''Anti-freeze", "Maso-Sadism", /other variants (Optional).

■ Pronouns [Neo/Xeno/Neuro] A/An/Ans/Anself, Bas/Basil/Basils, Rot/Corpse/Corpseself/Necro/Necroself, Den/Denself, She/Herself, He/Himself, That/Thing/It/Bites, Slur/Slurself (As in pronouns such as "aaaaself" or "bassssilllllself"), Hidden/Hiddenself, Harm/Harmself, Pain/Pains, Mur/Derself, Nor/Mal (reclaimed version), Annon/Anonymous/Nobody/Noself. Singular and Plural pronouns can be used as well.

□ Exotrauma/Source trauma or acquired trauma ×<Freeze>× ×<Flight>× ×<Fight>× (Heavy Source Trauma / Exo trauma surrounding appearance and personality shifts. Exo trauma surrounding exo memories of committing violence or several parasocial relations / Erotomania / Stalking. Exo memories of being on trial for committing arsonary, assualt, thievery, stalking, and forced intercourse (Cases dropped due to his/her threats against the court system/judge).

■ MUDs [Regardless of PDs -> Custom MUDs based on sources are possible of requested.] Puppet String Disorder (Sorry forget the name), Burnt Commitment Disorder (BCMD),

□ Stances [Blankqueers, Opinions/General -> can be changed after or at any point to fit your systems needs.] AESTHETIATHEIST, Transpaganist, TransEarthPaganist, Anarcho Capitalist (Conflicting/Contradictory Stances), PropAmoral, TransReligious, Spiteextremist, Jokealwaysright, Ultraqueer, CommQueer/CommunicationQueer, Lambbite, Amorqueer (can apply to headmates opinions as well), Citrusqueer.

■ Sexuality [Not required though if you deem your uncomfortable with it] -> Multisexual/romantic labels included [Biromantic Lesbian for example.]. MSPEC BI-Lesbian/BI-Straight, Omni-Lesboy/MultiVincian.

□ Gender [+! Xeno/Neo/Neuro/Trans] PerformingBoy/PerformingGirl, Genderlibrary, Genderfluid. NPDgender/Angergender, Horrorgender, Aggressive dog genders, storycollectic.

[bookwormcosplays]

SSRI Withdrawal Journey

I wasn't going to do this because I'm a very private person and I don't like talking about my mental health on social media, but I decided this is very important for me to remember how this felt and to give people a frame of reference.

I've been on lexapro for a year which I always knew it was going to be temporary because I was having a lot of mental breakdowns and I just needed to get through school. I told the psychiatrist I just wanted to get through school and she still prescribed me this. I was aware of the withdrawal, but I was under the illusion that it should be fine if I tapered.

Why not continue take it? It didn't really help me out a lot. It had more cons than pros. All it did was make me less angry and eat more which is something I'm capable outside of medication. The breakdowns though were affecting my school life that a round of therapy wouldn't help and this helped to minimize it, but now I graduated.

Fast forward to current day. I told my primary doctor I wanted to come off of lexapro, couldn't talk to my previous psychiatrist for other reasons, and my DOCTOR said "oh lexapro is easy just split your pills in half take it for a week then stop." I was on 20mg. I said I'm really concerned about withdrawal could I get 5mg pills. She said "okay" and gave me only a week of 5mg. Mind you I was already running out of my original pills. So I had no choice, but to follow her advice.  

1st Week (10mg): Insomnia, night terrors, night sweats, nightmares, and mania. I was very manic. I kept acting out of character, talking a lot, and pulling out old projects to work on. I was exercising. Doing a bunch of things even though I was running on very little sleep (2 hour naps basically). I also had some dizziness, but it wasn't too bad. I thought I could definitely handle withdrawal because I felt on top of the world.

2nd Week (5mg): Continued insomnia, night terrors, night sweats, and nightmares. New symptoms-- I crashed hard after the manic episode. Headaches (24/7 they will not go away with no type of medicine), joint pain, nausea, vomiting, no appetite. Can't drink water. Makes me sick. Dizzy spells get more intense. Static in vision. Can't walk straight. Bumping into walls. Falling more often. Can't look at phone or laptop without unbearable head pain or nausea. Migraines. Flu like symptoms (don't have flu, haven't been outside the house in a week). Sore throat, congested, fever. Increased sweating and what feels like hot flashes.

3rd Week (nothing): Continued insomnia, night terrors, night sweats, and nightmares. Headaches, joint pain, nausea, vomiting, no appetite. Dizzy spells, static in vision, still can't walk straight. Still bumping into walls and falling more often. Can't look at phone or laptop without unbearable head pain or nausea. Migraines. Flu like symptoms, sore throat, congested, and fever. Increased sweating and hot flahes. New symptoms-- Fatigue, try to sleep but nightmares keep waking me up. Yet I also don't want to sleep because the nightmares are so bad. Exhausted. In bed all day. No brain zaps yet? Noises make my head hurt. No matter how small. Cabinets closing, music playing, etc.

I will update the third week as we finish it up then make a new post as this goes on.

I don't know how people deal with withdrawal while working. If you want to take an ssri or lexapro specifically, I suggest you intend to stick with it. If you're just trying it out, figure it out within the first month. If you want to taper, do it with someone who understands the consequences of withdrawal. I seriously don't understand how this withdrawal is not different from opiods or any other drug. If I wasn't in a situation where I can't take it anymore, I would get back on it to stop this. Needless to say, I do not recommend lexapro for short term use or honestly at all (but also I'm in pain rn and very irritated).

[buriedyou]

𝐆𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐋 𝐃𝐄 𝐋𝐄𝐎́𝐍.

previously found at: silvresaint.

Gabriel is from the Empire of the Vampire books, but fuck J.ay K.ristoff. Consider this portrayal inspired by multiple sources of vampire media. The primary world Gabriel exists within assumes the existence of many supernatural elements. Gabe is not generally kind or likeable, nor is he even distinctly approachable; please keep this in mind if interacting and plotting, which is highly encouraged because of his nature. PLEASE NOTE: Gabriel is an addict. As a half-vampire, he is always hungry for blood; however, as a Silversaint, he does not partake in this thirst the traditional way, relying heavily on a powdered blood-compound stimulant called sanguine. Not only does it quell his hunger, it also enhances his vampire abilities and strength. If he can get his hands on it, he will smoke it. I will do my best to treat the topic of addiction with respect and do my due diligence in researching the topic, but if ever I slip up, please do not hesitate to reach out to me about it. I do not ever want to treat this topic without care and I am wholly open to being called in about any insensitivity on my part.

FULL NAME: Gabriel de León EPITHET(S): Silversaint, The Black Lion GENDER: Cis-male SPECIES: Vampire ORIGIN: Blood Esani HEIGHT: 6'4” AGE: 36 years old

HAIR: Long, several inches past his shoulders. Glossy black and straight. EYES: Eerily grey in color. Silver, even, in some light. SKIN TONE: Pale as the moon where it isn't covered in silver ink. BODY TYPE: Mesomorph. VOICE: Low and rough from years of sanguine smoke inhalation. Almost always dry in its humor, given his propensity for sarcasm and disdain. WEAPON: His sword, Ashdrinker. NOTABLE FEATURE(S): His dozens upon dozens of tattoos which cover him from neck to ankle.

VULNERABILITIES: As a half-vampire, he is sensitive to the sun, though it is not lethal. Silver-made weapons do him more harm than any normal ones. Long exposure to hunger, as well as withdrawal symptoms, are detrimental to his health, both mentally and physically. ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral

CURRENTLY.

the last silversaint. SETTING FLEXIBLE. tbd.

BIOGRAPHY

the world pretends it doesn't know what lies in wait around every dark corner. humans are stupid like that. but no amount of ignorance can keep away the dark and all the things hiding within it. daysdeath happens that way; one moment, everything is as it always was. in the next, there's only the blood. there's only the fear.

daysdeath happens to us all. it's an inevitability, an unpleasant one that shatters any hopes and dreams except the only one that matters: survival. because it's either that or you become one of them. and if you become one of them, it's only a matter of time before you have to turn someone else. and maybe that someone else is your mother or your husband or your friend. hunger doesn't care who they are to you. hunger only cares what they are to you. a fresh meal, a veritable feast, the only thing that matters in the end. if you're lucky, you're too far gone to understand what you're doing. but what does death care for luck?

gabriel was still a boy when daysdeath came for him. when you live in a world where those around you had their daysdeath already, you don't understand their fear. fear, to gabriel, was in the switch to his back when papa is angrier than he usually is. fear, to gabriel, was papa with a bottle of liquor and only his head the target of that breakable glass. fear, to gabriel, was split skin and bleeding lips and doing something wrong. until one day it's impossible that papa was ever the only thing worth fearing.

he watches his sister die on his daysdeath. her cries had dragged him from work even at the risk of papa's fury. the thing attacking her should have reminded him of fear, but all he knew was that same rage that stirred the same in him then as it always had in his papa. it is not simple strength alone that frightens that thing away; his hands are all fire when they rip its face from his sister's throat, leaching it of the black in its veins faster than he can realize what happens. it crumbles in his hands. but it's too late for little celene already dead at his feet.

little lion, his mother called him, knowing exactly what he was from the moment he was born. the hunger only woke in him when that daysdeath finally fell. there was a girl with soft lips and softer thighs, and hunger was the taste of both. it isn't until she's screaming and there's blood pooling in the bed beneath her, pooling in his mouth, that he wakes to the world gone black. her father chases him across town and the town joins him. his mother weeps and weeps and weeps. what is wrong with me? he cries amongst the throng of those who want him killed. and because mother is god, it's mother who both saves and damns him.

she'd sent for the man on the horse all those weeks ago when celene had fallen. little lion, she'd said as that man frightens the crowd enough that they relent their demand for gabriel's head. be brave for me now. it's the only goodbye he's afforded before the man on the horse takes him away. papa doesn't even look at him.

thus, gabriel begins his life in the wake of his daysdeath. he was not just a boy. he was born with that hunger, cursed with it, and was tasked now to use it. far from home, he learned how to destroy those things which destroyed his sister and he learned how to destroy himself piece by piece. trials by blood and trials by death earn him his slaying sword, ashdrinker, and the role of silversaint. soaked in the holy ink of angels and the blood of devils, gabriel was crowned the black lion and kingslayer. and when those monsters triumphed over the brotherhood, he was deemed the last silversaint and retreated into obscurity, leaving humanity to their fate.

NOTES

The Silversaint is a dying breed. Once a flourishing and holy brotherhood called The Silver Order tasked with relieving the world of those bloodlusted creatures of the night, only Gabriel remains in the wake of a cleansing which has destroyed a centuries-old faith that even he can barely hold space for within his chest.

Gabriel may or may not be known to your muse. He has many epithets and his legacy precedes him; if your muse runs in the right circles, they very well could recognize him by his name, his face, or even by the various markers of his reputation such as his tattoos or his sword. I welcome however your muse might react to his presence whether with fear, awe, or disinterest. It's always fun when he's respected; it's even more fun when he's underestimated.

Gabriel is a widower and is still very much in love with his late wife. On top of that, he has also lost his only daughter with her. Astrid and Patience were his everything. Gabriel is vulgar and he will flirt; he might even be open to a tumble in the sheets, but romantic and exclusive sexual relationships are hard to come by. Other dynamics are more than welcome, including but not limited to antagonistic, familial, convenience and work related, and platonic. Gabriel claims a preference for solitude, but he is lonely and family and loyalty are at the core of his ideals and beliefs.

ALT VERSES TBD...

[misscammiedawn]

On trauma anniversaries

Personal (and a little oversharing) post but I thought I'd speak out, even if it's just an excuse to type to myself.

Original was written October 2023. It has been sitting in our drafts ever since then. 6/22/2024 Dawn edit - Given we eventually posted the suicidality draft, I thought I'd finally share this. Especially given how much my mind has been on the end of June 2022 this week, both the good and the bad.

12/26 Dawn edit- this was originally written just after our birthday and then left in drafts. It is posted now due to the December holiday passing with no attempted intrusion from our No Contact family.

Plus I am in the middle of creating a self-harm safety plan with my therapist and wanted to see what we typed last time we were fucked up to reference for this project.

This is all from my perspective and my advice may not be useful to all. My therapist always says "take what you need and leave what you don't" when reading mental health advice. I hope there are things that will help on your end.

I've been finding a lot of joy recently in trying to write educational resources when I'm feeling a certain way and I'm feeling a certain way right now.

To those who don't know a trauma anniversary is a recognized within PTSD treatment as a sensitivity to emotional reactions brought about by the annual reminder of a particularly traumatic memory. A widely understood one is 9/11 though birthdays, Thanksgiving and annual family holidays tend to come up in the conversations too.

I suppose there is a little "chicken or the egg" back and forth on if the anniversary reminds the individual, summoning the symptoms or the symptoms of the disorder provide the reminder. My reading has said that in traumatic situations our minds become keenly aware of the circumstances and build an aversion to the situation as a survival mechanism and even the smallest hints of familiarity can activate those defenses.

Either way it is commonly experienced enough to be considered a sensitivity when performing trauma therapy. It commonly manifests via nightmares, excessive moodiness or defensiveness, avoidant behavior, social withdrawal or to put more plainly an exacerbation of existing symptoms. Danger of relapse goes up during these periods.

I know that very well. I try really hard not to let my negative instincts take over when I get this way.

October 23rd and 24th are bad days for me. One is a birthday and the other is the anniversary of the day my marriage ended and subsequently started the chain reaction that made the family I built for myself in the USA outright tell me they do not consider me family any longer, something which I am still not even remotely over. Bio-Fam can reject me, that's fine... but when the Found Family reject you? How the fuck do you recover from that? How are you capable of rationalizing that in a way that does not hold all of the blame to your own throat?

Both days represent the act of willingly burning my entire life to the ground and letting the fires consume every relationship and piece of familiarity I had built in 2 previous lives.

A little hyperbolic but that's the impact and fuck I am devastated by guilt and regret for having done it and a terror that I will do it again someday.

Prior to this year's birthday I had even made a post where I joked about how I wasn't dreading it this year but as the weekend went on the emotions started to fade in and then The Reminders kicked in via emails and IMs saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY. The sources were as innocuous as companies with my details who email coupons or work colleagues or even loved ones and people who I do not want contact from.

I've learned one thing this year and that is "you can't ignore this shit". I was arrogant and thought my progress through therapy and my recent stability would usher me through without incident. I was wrong. Luckily my ability to communicate is better than it was so I was able to warn people and ask for reassurance and care from loved ones and have them tell me that I haven't hurt them and am not alienating them and they aren't upset with me.

So, here's my handy guide (from me and to me) for how to survive this shit for future.

Get Distracted

The best moments of my past 48 hours were when I was busy doing things. Work was useful for me. My girlfriend wanted to go on a shopping trip so I forced myself to get out of the house even when I was feeling like shit and wanted to scream and cry.

The shopping trip was more annoying than it was fun but the chore got me doing something and that got me out of my own head for a little. Sometimes having something to be annoyed about, even if it's a stress, is better than being left to fester.

Communicate

I fluctuated between "I don't want to be alone" and "I want to never speak to another human ever again" about 4 times a minute during the worst of it. I was upfront with everyone in my surroundings that my affect would be off and that it was temporary and fretting over me would stress me out more. Everyone was kind and sweet to me. Also everyone at home knows NEVER CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY and so getting full compliance from the people in my life helped a lot.

Limit Decision Making and Stress Intake

When work started piling on I started to get a pit in my stomach that created "we're going to get fired!" thoughts that spiraled rapidly. I almost lost my composure with the screen, with myself, with my girlfriend, with the cat over the stupidest things because no matter how much I wanted to admit it, my threshold was in the toilet and I couldn't control it or will myself out of it. This isn't just anger, it's any and all emotion in excess.

Likewise I felt completely incapable of making even minor decisions during this period. Ensuring I had meals planned in advance helped when I would rather starve myself than commit to even buying food.

Commune with the grief instead

We are all quilts patched from every person who has ever loved us. It's okay to accept that there are complicated emotions. Life cannot be as black and white as we force it to be in order to survive. Part of healing is communing with the pain in a way that neither outright rejects it nor fetishizes pain to the point of which you are intentionally triggering yourself. I found a lot of comfort in watching the shows/playing the games that people from before always wanted me to. It's like doing a little bit of finished business, getting to share something with the living memory. It doesn't change the past but it lets you feel a positive connection. It gives positive momentum when the old scars itch and you want to scratch them. Growth off of the scorched Earth without interacting with the past itself and allowing it to intrude on the present.

So whether I support my dad's football team, watch something with the knowledge that she would have loved it or finally see the inspiration for the character he tailor made to be your character's villain in TTRPG, see that game they always talked about liking; I like doing this as something I can DO with the emotional build-up that depends a reaction.

Be Grateful and Show Love To Those Who Stand By You

I have spoken to every partner today just thanking them for dealing with me while I'm like this. I'll talk to my therapist tomorrow. Guilt and paranoia are ruining me at the moment. Assuring people what I lucidly think and feel helps.

Be Open to the Idea That You May Be Wrong

Just... I can tell I'm off. I know I have warned people I am off. I may actually be off. Communicate and offer love and understanding and apologies if needed. It will pass.

It's healthy to understand that while you're compromised you may not be fully yourself. Tread with caution. Do not make impulsive decisions, ask for outside opinions when you need grounding. Allow yourself to not feel guilt when you act in ways you're not proud of.

Help Others

Gotta admit doing the shopping trip with local girlfriend and being love and care for long distance one helped get me out of my own head. I find this one is actually really useful for me and I should think about how I can do it more in the future.

It's extra energy and costs spoons when you're not doing great, but it's applying effort in a positive regard.

Forgive Yourself

If I know myself I will be reading this in a year's time. That's why this post exists after all.

Just... forgive yourself. For abandoning people. For running away. For being imperfect. For choosing to be a woman. For not fighting harder. For not being who everyone needed you to be.

Don't seek to rationalize, don't seek to minimize. Do not even seek to accept what you did.

Just forgive. We are okay. We hurt people and ourselves. We handled things poorly. We broke contracts of the heart and shatters dreams of the future.

But we're alive. We have a chance to be happy again. It's okay to be the villain in other stories. It's okay to not be a perfect victim.

Forgive yourself.

Find something to look forward to

There is always "the next event". Plan for it. Get out of the present and the past. The future is there and it is waiting for you.

It'll be okay. The danger has passed. This week will pass.

It will be okay.

[nsfwmiamiart]

Incoming Text for @dreadematteo : I love you, Drea!

Hey Drea! It's me, Angelo.

The first time I saw you was in "Joey" episodes back in 2004, and then "The Sopranos." And then the cop show with Ray Liotta and JLO.

I have always admired your beauty, but you date only rockers, I mean men who are into rock music. I think his name was Michael Devin, or something.

I discovered that you were struggling two months ago but I was busy, and I stashed the news article somewhere and forgot about you. And then a week ago, I found another news article that spoke about your financial struggles and that's when I remembered to write a blog post about it and invite my celebrity readers to come to your rescue. I think Zoe Saldana and Rosario Dawson came to your rescue. They are my idiot sisters, don't ask, long story.

I just want to tell you that I love you and I care about you. I would love to be in your arms one day, you are my Italian dream girl, I don't care about your financial struggles, to me you are still the hottest woman in Italy. Just because someone struggles financially, that doesn't take away their beauty, am I right? You are sexy AF to me. I hope I will get lucky someday and become your lover or something along those lines.

Not gonna lie, you have been giving me boners since the early 2000s so don't be shocked by my sexual innuendos.

I want to introduce you to the adoptive daughter of JLO, did you know JLO adopted a daughter? Her name is @YesJulz. I encourage you to call her and become best friends.

Just FYI @YesJulz is my little sister. When you are with YesJulz, you are with my little sister.

You will be in good hands with @YesJulz, she doesn't judge you because she comes from humble beginnings as well, it means she grew up poor too.

Also, Drea, I have to let you know that you are one of the rare women that I could catch feelings for, which makes you addictive just like the pure Colombian cocaine, 99% pure addiction.

Zoe has a coochie that is 99% pure addiction.

Rosario has a coochie that is 99% pure addiction.

And now Drea has a coochie that is 99% pure addiction.

I just want to warn you that I stay away from addictive women like you, I avoid Zoe and Rosario, and now I have to avoid you too because you are highly addictive to me and if I want to survive this type of addiction, I have to stay far away from you to protect myself, that way I don't have to go through any withdrawal symptoms and avoid going to rehab.

Does my explanation make sense to you? What did I just teach you? I taught you that not every woman is addictive, not every coochie is addictive, but there are some rare women who are highly addictive to me and I just enumerated them for you, it's Drea, Zoe and Rosario. When I see these three women, I have to run away and lock the door or else I will become highly addicted to their coochie. Got it? Easy to understand explanation, am I right?

Some women don't evoke strong, lasting feelings after having sex with them. In other words, you can have sex with these women without becoming emotionally attached or addicted. However, there's another category of women who are extremely addictive. Once you have sex with them, you can't escape the emotional grip they have on you. This intense connection can be overwhelming and potentially harmful. To protect yourself from this kind of emotional turmoil, you choose to avoid these highly addictive women altogether.

Many women can have sex with me and I would never be addicted to their coochie because they are not in the addictive coochies category, get it?

But when Drea, Zoe, and Rosario come in the room, it gets very dangerous for me because three of the most addictive coochies just entered the room. That's why I have to avoid you, if you don't want to get addicted, don't even taste the coochie in the first place, am I right? Close the door, problem solved.

I care about you, Drea. You are the cool sister of Joey, I never forgot.

Your friend, and guardian angel,

Angelo.

P.S.:

Synopsis of the letter:

The letter is a personal and candid message from Angelo to Drea. In it, Angelo reminisces about the first time he saw Drea on various TV shows and expresses his long-standing admiration for her beauty. Despite Drea's financial struggles, Angelo reassures her that it does not diminish her attractiveness. He mentions his desire to be close to her and introduces her to YesJulz, JLO's adoptive daughter, suggesting that Drea connect with her. Angelo also confesses that he finds Drea highly addictive, comparing her to Colombian cocaine, and explains that he avoids highly addictive women to protect himself from emotional turmoil. He concludes by expressing his affection for Drea and recalling her role as Joey's sister in the TV show.

[bestcbd-gummies]

Debate - Is Marijuana Addictive?

Since quitting as well as determining to help others to do the same I am frequently asked the fiercely disputed 'Is marijuana habit forming?' concern. It is a subject that increasingly splits most 'specialists' and also even those that invest their entire adult lives inhaling it. Allow's effort to establish whether or not marijuana is habit forming. Beginning with a 'tough' medicine simply to make dependency less complicated to determine, decide and review the following passage for yourself if you assume the person is or isn't addicted to heroin: " When I can't acquire heroin or if I know that I will certainly be unable to have any type of for that evening, I promptly become a different individual. I am upset as well as psychological and also I really feel so depressed that I wont obtain that sense of relaxation as well as peace from the heroin. I truly despise feeling like I require it to make myself really feel much better."

In your opinion, is it reasonable to presume the person is hooked on heroin?

In my view there is no doubt whatsoever. I would certainly lay my home loan and also life on it! Okay, re-read that same declaration however this time the drug has now altered to marijuana. " When I can not get hold of cannabis or if I recognize that I will be incapable to have any type of for that evening, I promptly develop into a various individual. I am emotional as well as angry and also I feel so clinically depressed that I wont get that sense of leisure and calmness from the marijuana. I truly hate sensation like I require it to make myself feel much better."

With just the name of the medicine modified is it affordable to presume that person is hooked on cannabis?

Keep in mind just the name of the medicine has altered!

The declaration you have just reviewed remains in truth REAL as well as comes from a young woman who lately called me via http://www.quitcannabis.net who was clearly desperate for assistance - not because she was addicted to heroin yet hooked on our 'friend' marijuana. I am not suggesting marijuana approaches heroin dependency (naturally not!) and even that there are physical withdrawal signs and symptoms when we attempt to stop, but there is still that feeling of desperation as well as require for cannabis when conditions compel us to go without it for longer than we would certainly like. When your supplier is nowhere to be located and you can not find or kick back satisfaction in anything you do, like. That feeling of missing/needing cannabis is plainly a sign of emotional addiction. Think of heroin or cocaine as a maximum-security prison and marijuana a low-security open jail. Regardless of the regime and also problems found inside the prison, the bottom line is; even with exactly how slim and also lightweight the walls are or just how weak the protection at the major gate is, the feature of a jail is to restrict freedom. In this instance, your joy and pleasure of life. Don't fret! Not much more hard to quit when you accept marijuana is habit forming it comes to be even much easier! Let's effort to develop whether or not cannabis is addictive. " When I can not obtain hold of cannabis or if I understand that I will certainly be unable to have any for that evening, I right away transform right into a various individual. The declaration you have actually just checked out is in fact REAL and also comes from a young female who just recently called me using http://www.quitcannabis.net that was plainly determined for aid - not since she was addicted to heroin yet hooked on our 'close friend' cannabis. Imagine heroin or drug as a maximum-security jail as well as cannabis a low-security open prison. Once you approve marijuana is habit forming it becomes even much easier, not a lot more difficult to quit!

[thirtyoneflirtingnoneanddying]

9.6

I'm so like idk clogged I guess. I feel like I'm in a spiral that I cannot come up from. how can it get better than this? i want to see that happen. I'm typing this on my laptop waiting for Vanessa outside her house....anyway

I've been seeing all this stuff on ig about affiliate marketing and I really wanna get into it but idk how tf I'm supposed to do that......it's so overwhelming... I need to like actually sit down and do research uuuggghhhhhh there's also those straight to print shops I guess that are doing well UGH I just wanna make lots and lots of money and be very comfortable. I want a lavish luxurious life. I want to be able to do everything I want to do fuckkkkkk idk what's wrong with me like why can I not get my shit together

probably because I do not try. I always get so overwhelmed and uncomfortable and then I quit. why can't I adapt to that..... I feel like I can adapt to everything else... maybe that's the problem. I adapt too much outside myself and so inside I cannot adapt. ugh.

I did not go to school tonight. I feel a little guilty about that although it is wearing off.

I honestly feel like I'm not like physically addicted but mentally addicted to weed. like I won't experience any symptoms of withdrawal if I just stopped smoking tomorrow.......and like damn I don't necessarily hate being sober I just...... idk smoking is just something to do. it's cathartic. it's a ritual. but I'm using it without intention. so it's just like, starting to give me panic attacks again?

but not like an attack? like a really intense and uncomfortable wave.

I want to try being sober for a minute. but omg how overwhelming??? I need to have a big break from everything. a biiiiigggg break. I need to get off social media and just chill for a minute. no outside inspo just school, shadow work, and trying to make some more money.

something has got to hit for me. something has got to.... I know I will break into big money but idk how yet. I need to dig into the astrology surrounding that more...

one day I'll look back and laugh with 723K in one of my bank accounts