#and I certainly don't wanna be like her
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You ever think about how Leigh said Alina was a feminist character and then wrote her ending about losing her powers and marrying the guy who belittled her for years and didn't like the fact that he was a grisha? A woman losing an important part of herself, said part making her part of an "ethnic" group persecuted and killed for just existing, to end up with the xenophobic and sexist dude. 10/10.
It was top-tier quality, my friend. I know. Only the real ones get it.
You see Leigh talks about how Alina not wanting the crown and preferring a quiet life is feminism.
First of all, Alina didn't choose to lose her powers. So the major problem starts there. Especially when you (the author) describe that said power as part of her heart and soul. Necessary to survive. And a part of her that she loved and refused to give away.
Second, you cannot give to the readers a protagonist that wants to live in the countryside when you have created a country that suffers politically, socially, half of its population is being persecuted and by the end of the book things are worse than ever. Your "little sunshine world where my heroine wants to pick flowers instead of fight" would fit nicely in Disney but this is the Grishaverse where Alina Starkov is being labeled the "Sun Saint" and people expect from her to change the world and, most importantly, to protect her people and give them a better future.
So, in other words, her feminist ideal for Alina just doesn't work in this world. It would be a nice dream but Leigh decided to turn it into reality and by doing so she said "fuck the Grisha, fuck the problems, fuck Ravka and its enemies". You cannot give a "happy ending" to Alina (because that wasn't a happy ending, let's face it) and condemn the rest of the world because you decided to incorporate your feminism.
Wanna do it? Wanna put your feminism there?
Well make Alina detach herself from Mal, make her being able to live without him for once. Give her determination and balls to do things herself and willingness to change things in her own way. If you gave a female character willing to put aside her own needs in order to serve her people that are in danger, then we would have a selfless heroine. Someone that people sympathise with and root (*cough Daenerys cough*). Instead Alina was designed to be a purely selfish woman that made the readers be like "Uhhh....thank God that you're fictional otherwise our world would be lost if it depended upon you".
#a feminist character is a character that you admire and wanna be. I don't know about you guys but...I don't look up to Alina#and I certainly don't wanna be like her#depend myself on a man?? Hell nahh#alina starkov#leigh bardugo#shadow and bone#grishaverse#grishaverse trilogy#anti malina#anti mal oretsev#anon asks#feminism
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Y'know, it's unfortunate more people don't compare Louis and Violet in good faith.
Like, when I do see people compare them, it's usually through the lens of one is good, and the other bad. One is more canon than the other, and here's why. One is objectively better for Clementine, and the other is less impactful, worse written, didn't have chemistry with her, insert several insults here, etc.
I don't think it's inherently bad to express why you might not like one of them, or why you prefer one over the other. That's fine, that's a matter of opinion. It only gets to me when it becomes hostile, or passive aggressive... but even then, I've learned to just roll my eyes and move on. Some people make it very clear that they're not worth having a discussion with.
However, I wish I could read more nuanced comparisons of the two that didn't default to the "and that's why this one is better." At least some are kind enough to tack on a "for my Clementine" at the end.
You know how it goes: Louis is cute and he makes Clementine laugh, whereas Violet's boring, her love is shallow, she's still not over Minerva and she's using Clementine as a rebound. Violentine's a bad ship because Violet's actually a traitor, and they're practically the same person and that's bad.
Violet's loyal and reliable, whereas Louis is annoying, he never takes anything serious, he's a traitor for his vote, and he's nothing but a distraction. Clouis is a bad ship because how could any Clementine possibly like him after he voted her and AJ out? That's bad!
That's always the conclusion, right? One good, one bad.
This is incredibly limiting and it drives me nuts.
They're foils. They contrast one another, highlight each other's strengths and flaws, in such an interesting way that it makes Clementine's choice between them all the more meaningful.
One is not good and the other bad, they're different, and I think that's worth exploring.
Let's start with a common argument: Violet is the more impactful option due to her connection to Minerva.
Now, to be fair, I can understand why someone on Team Violet would believe this. Yes, it's true that the confrontation with Minerva is more impactful for a violentine shipper who has more investment in Violet as a character. Louis doesn't have as strong of a connection to her.
However, what they're failing to recognize is that Minerva isn't the only ghost to haunt this narrative. Violet may have Minerva, yes, but Louis has Marlon... and that doesn't just go away once Marlon's dead.
Violet's route has Minerva as her ex-girlfriend, and her bond with Tenn that all comes to a head on the bridge. Louis' route has Marlon's death and how that specifically impacts his relationship with AJ and Clementine, and the slow burn of forgiveness on all sides.
Marlon and Minerva are also reflective of Clementine's worst outcomes.
Clementine and Marlon were tied together through Brody's blood splattered on their hands and faces. They both killed a part of Brody, but only one of them lies about who killed her first.
After Marlon dies, Clementine gradually replaces him throughout the game; Rosie is her dog now, she uses his bow [which Louis gave her], she becomes the leader. Clementine gets them to fight back, and when three of her people are captured, she doesn't cut her losses. She does what Marlon couldn't; "we're getting them back."
When she chooses Louis, he does for her what he never did for Marlon: he steps up.
Clementine proves she won't become Marlon just as she proves she won't become Minerva.
After getting James to agree to help them, Clementine and AJ talk about what to do if she ever gets bit. AJ says he'd want her to bite him, too. He repeats this sentiment after she's actually bitten, telling her he wants to stay and they could turn together, peacefully.
When Minerva confronts them on the bridge, she's dying... and she wants Tenn to die with her. She doesn't care who she has to kill in the process. She's more monster than human at this point, and most times, she succeeds.
They're both bitten. Clementine could've become a monster like Minerva in the end. She could've killed AJ, and they could've become walkers together. But she didn't. Minerva wanted Tenn to die for her, and Clementine wanted AJ to live for her.
Also, I should mention she has Minerva's axe. She carries the key weapons associated with Marlon and Minerva throughout different points in the game, further solidifying these connections. She uses Marlon's bow to save her friends, and she uses Minerva's axe to save AJ, who in turn uses it to save her.
What's also so interesting about this is how Marlon's alive in episode one, and Minerva is thought to be dead. Louis has his best friend, and Violet's lost hers. But, at the end of the episode, Marlon's dead and Minerva's revealed to be alive.
Marlon becomes the ghost, and Minerva becomes the monster. Clementine becomes to Louis and Violet what Marlon and Minerva never could... how does that not drive anyone else insane?
So, no. One is not objectively better, or more impactful, because of a connection to Marlon or Minerva. They're different. It just depends on which storyline you personally find more compelling.
Actually, let's talk about that a little more.
In my opinion, the most intriguing point of comparison between Louis and Violet stems from their perceptions of survival, and how that impacts Clementine.
An argument I see made against violentine is that Violet's boring because she and Clementine are too similar. This usually comes from clouis shippers who prefer the "opposites attract" dynamic Clementine and Louis have.
On the flip side, there's the counter argument that Louis is reckless, that he doesn't take survival as seriously as he should and Clementine wouldn't want him because of that.
These are interesting to me because I get where they're coming from... but they ultimately miss the point.
The other day, I replayed TFS. Except this time, I did something a little bit differently. I played my usual clouis route, but then I had the violentine route pulled up on my laptop so that I could watch these scenes, comparing them side by side… and something occurred to me.
Louis is about challenging Clementine's perception of survival, and Violet is about validating it.
Louis challenges Clementine from the very moment we meet him—he’s playing music. His initial philosophy on survival butts heads with Clementine’s. The fact that hunting with him and Aasim challenges your perception of “your choices have consequences.” These games have conditioned the player to think along the lines of, “Yeah, Louis is more fun… but if I don’t hunt with Aasim, we won’t have any food.”
Except that’s just it. I hate to say it, Aasim, but in the grand scheme of things… hunting with you doesn’t matter. It's actually less rewarding. You know why? Because in the next section, we get food from the train station. It would’ve been more beneficial to spend time with Louis over hunting, hence how he challenges you.
This then primes you for the choice between choosing to follow Louis or follow Violet. I know people complain about how this is presented with Violet doing something productive [checking the walls] and Louis playing piano… but that’s the point. If you’re going through with Louis’ full route, you need to meet him at his level, and in turn, he will meet you at yours. You need to accept the challenge, the idea that Clementine isn’t entirely right about the way she’s gone about survival.
Oh, and do I even need to mention the vote? The debate over Louis’ vote is exhausting. Often times, people tell on themselves in how they talk about it. It’s not actually about the fact that he voted against them. If it was, these people would have a bigger bone with pick with Mitch, Willy, Ruby, and Omar… and yet Louis is the one who takes all the blame as if he’s the only one personally kicking them out.
Louis is reacting to the death of his best friend, and the complicated feelings that come with it being caused by AJ. He wants accountability, even if he knows something's wrong. You can either agree with him that it was murder, and set AJ on the path of atonement… or, you can double down and tell him to fuck off, AJ was justified.
But here’s the thing… the vote adds to the appeal of Louis’ route. To someone who hates him, or at the very least is critical of his vote, that sounds mad or delusional.
Except it’s really not.
Ever heard of a thing called tension? Because there’s a lot of it in ep2 between clouis + AJ and it’s fantastic.
Yes, Louis voting them out is problematic because we need a problem to solve. We need something to feed the tension between him and Clementine. He stepped in front of a gun held by his best friend in order to protect her, forever changing their relationship… only for that to seemingly be taken away from us the moment AJ shoots Marlon.
Yes, Louis’ route is about being challenged, but it’s also about challenging him. That he’s able to forgive them, that he’s able to question his own survival philosophy and understand theirs, that he’s able to apologize and actually change for the better… that right there is what makes clouis so damn good.
He becomes hardened whereas Clementine softens. By the end of the game, they’re on a similar level now without neglecting their differences, and they can move forward together.
That’s what makes Louis’ route appealing… and it’s also what makes it unappealing to people who prefer Violet.
By contrast, Violet’s already on Clementine’s level when it comes to this perception of survival. She validates that Clementine’s on the right path.
They have other similarities in the way that they’re both female, queer, they both have a kid they look after, they’re not always great with other people, etc.
People who prefer Louis might consider this boring, but I think to Team Violet, it’s comforting. It’s comforting to have a partner who takes this as seriously as you do, who wants to get shit done. They’re playing Clementine with a similar attitude, and don’t believe it needs to be challenged. It’s comforting to feel validated on something you already firmly believe in.
We also see this if we compare the hunting and fishing scenes. You have to make an effort to choose Louis by choosing to neglect hunting, but the game makes you fish with Violet no matter what.
Violet’s prioritizing fishing because they need food. That’s what they’ve set out to do, so let’s do it. The game is letting you know that’s the case, and if you value that, continue pursuing her.
While fishing, they discuss why things are weird with her and Brody. Violet doesn’t take well to Clementine’s blunt, “Because you make it weird. Brody tries and you just make fun of her."
That’s understandable because I think she already kind of knows why and is looking to have her feelings validated. She prefers it when Clementine suggests that it’s because Brody never said sorry for what happened to the twins.
There’s also comfort and validation in the way Violet sides with Clementine and AJ after Marlon’s death. She votes for them to stay, vocalizing how much she disapproves of the results. There’s this feeling that I recognize from a lot of the sapphic romance I read; “it’s you and me against the world, I’ll always have your back, even if you’re in the wrong, I’ll fight for you.”
In our case, it’s violentine + AJ against the rest of Ericson, save Tenn and Aasim. Violet validates that AJ was justified because Marlon was a liar and murderer, claiming that AJ and Clementine did nothing wrong. Violet fights to keep them.
The tension between violentine in ep2 is different because instead of one pushing the other away, they’re being forced apart by the vote and there’s nothing they can do about it. That tension is somewhat released when Clementine comes back and they’re reunited, working out a plan to best defend the school.
It’s also why Violet’s presented as doing something productive when you follow her instead of Louis, and why she asks if you want to hang out after checking the defenses.
All that being said, allow me to reiterate that one is not good and the other bad, they're different. These concepts of challenge and change/validation and comfort exist on a neutral road as diverging paths. It’s up to the player to pick what path they prefer, but that doesn’t mean the other path isn’t worth acknowledging or analyzing.
I should also mention that they’re not exclusive; there is overlap with validation being present in Louis’ route and challenges in Violet’s. They’re just more present in episodes 3 and 4 after we’ve made our decision.
There are several more examples of how this all fits together, buuuuut–
Ya’ll wanna compare some allegories?
Those familiar with my content might already know where I’m going with this as I’ve made a post about Louis and the piano in the past.
You see, I believe that there are allegories for Louis and Violet’s hearts present in their routes: Louis’ piano, and Violet’s pin.
I already have a thorough, in-depth analysis of Louis and the piano that you can read, so all I’ll say about it is that on the night of the raid, he asked Clementine to carve a piece of herself into his heart so that no matter what, their initials will be immortalized together in its wood…
And that makes me fucking feral.
But I'm also so normal about it.
As for Violet, her heart is the star gazing pin she gives to Clementine. She gives it to her so she’ll always remember that night… but she doesn’t give it to her until after Clementine’s saved her, and that fascinates me in the context of it being allegory.
Louis asks Clementine to carve herself into his heart right before the raid, cementing that from that moment on, he is utterly devoted to her. I believe this is part of the reason why Louis is still happy to see her if he’s the one who’s captured. Yes, yes, he’s also incredibly traumatized from having his tongue cut out and he’d be happy to see anyone, yada yada… but listen, if you romance Louis and he’s captured, his heart remains with her—that piano with their intitals is on full display. When he sees her, he’s still so devoted to her that he refuses to accept that it’s at all her fault. Even when she says it is, he shakes his head... and he so easily accepts her when they’re together in the end. From the moment Clementine puts knife to wood, he’s hers.
Now, look… you might think I’m going somewhere not great with this but hear me out.
I think after Clementine’s gone star gazing with her, Violet is fully ready to give her heart to her. Y’know, give her the pin. But, think about what Violet said about how people have left, but Clementine came back. Plus, with the impending raid to think about, maybe Violet should keep the pin until the right moment.
I believe a key difference between her and Louis is that Violet needs one last thing to solidify that Clementine’s the one.
Louis gives her his heart prior to the raid because of everything that’s already gone down between them following Marlon’s death. Violet needs to know that Clementine’s willing to fight for her the way she fought before. When Clementine saves her from the raiders, it’s solidified. Even after she sees Minerva again, it changes nothing.
It’s also worth noting that the pin is something Clementine wears. Like the piano carving, it’s a piece on display for everyone to see, to let them know whose heart Clementine has.
Violet literally handed Clementine her heart as a means of saying, “I’m yours. I’m devoted to you.”
This is why romanced/captured Violet is devastating, and is why she behaves the way she does in the cells. She was so ready to give her heart away and then nope, sorry, Vi! You get knocked unconscious by raiders instead!
If anything, you kind of deserve to be told to fuck off if you romanced her and then let her get captured. Just sayin’.
Look, I have a lot of complicated feelings about the captured violentine route, mostly with Violet being as forgiving as she is after her eyes are burned—yes, yes, I know, her eyes are burned and Minerva messed with her head so of course now she’s not hostile, yada, yada.
But I think it’s rather telling that you don’t get the pin in this route. Sure, Violet’s willing to forgive and possibly pursue this romance in the future… but she’s not ready to hand over her heart, not truly. Not after everything that’s happened.
And if you want to get extra angsty about it, imagine that Violet made the pin right after they parted ways, but before the raiders came. Meaning that if she’s captured, it’s possibly still sitting somewhere, abandoned.
Mmhmmm, very normal about this. I feel normal. My normalness about this continues... normally. I'm not losing my shit thinking about that. Nope. Why would I? I wouldn't! So normal.
Okay just let me talk about their reactions to Tenn's death and then I'll shut up.
This makes me want to gnaw my own foot off, I can barely handle it.
AJ shoots Tenn on the bridge because Clementine trusted him to make the hard calls. This saves Louis or Violet's life.
When Louis jumps across, he's completely silent as he watches Tenn die... and then he's pissed; "What the fuck?! How could you just shoot him like that?!"
AJ explains himself, that he did it for him, and Louis is so upset that he forces AJ to look at what he's done, to watch the walkers eat Tenn; "Tenn's dead. He's dead! Do you realize that?! Look! [...] He's... he's gone, because of you. Just fucking gone."
If Clementine says AJ saved his life, Louis says, "So what, we just cut him loose? Gun him down like he was nothing?"
If Clementine says nothing, Louis says, "Tenn was just a little boy!"
The reason Louis responds this way is because in this moment, he just relived Marlon's death all over again, but worse. So, SO much worse!
When Violet jumps across, she breaks down, begging, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No, no! No, no, no..." as she watches Tenn die... and then says to AJ, "No! What the fuck?! How could you do that?!"
AJ explains himself, that he did it for her, and Violet is faaaar from okay; "For me? I can't... Tenn is gone! That soft little boy who liked to draw, he's gone, because of you!"
If Clementine says AJ saved her life, Violet says, "You think that's okay?! Just gunning down one of our own?!"
And there it is.
Louis is hardened in this situation because he already went through this... Violet hasn't, not with AJ. She softened up throughout her route due to her relationships to him and Clementine... but this is the moment where she realizes that maybe AJ wasn't as justified as she believed, and this is the consequence.
This leads us to the ending where AJ asks if they're still mad about him killing Tenn, and I just... I'm biting my foot right now because the script has flipped.
Louis is forgiving and understanding. He's soft, he's sympathetic, he shakes AJ's hand to let him know that all is forgiven and they're okay; "I... AJ, I guess it's like... You saw something I didn't. About the situation, I mean. Minnie and the walkers and Tenn, it's just all this chaos in my head when I think back on it. [...] Clem says you saved my life? Well, then, that's exactly what you did. And how can I stay mad at anyone for doing that?"
Or, alternatively, "He was your friend, AJ. I know you are hurting just as much as I am."
As for Violet? She's understanding, too... but she's not quite ready to forgive yet; "The thing you said on the bridge...that he was messing up all the time. It wasn't something new, you know. Tenn got himself or other people into trouble all the time, long before you guys got here. He was always so lost. He lived in a world that just...isn't there, you know? And that's why I tried to look after him. But when I was pulling him away from the walkers, and Minnie, I could also see...he just wasn't there anymore."
"So you're mad, but sad."
"Can I be that for a while?"
And it's completely understandable that she's hurting and struggling with how she feels about AJ moving forward! She wants to be okay, she wants to forgive him, she just needs time.
Now, because I'm forever bitter, but I'm gonna mention this as well: whenever I see someone point at Violet's scene and say, "See!? This is how LOUIS should've acted in ep2!" like... they're telling on themselves again. Not just that they don't understand Louis as a character or his route, but that they don't fully grasp Violet's part in this either. Or time frames, for that matter.
Let me put it to you in simple terms... they react the same.
After Marlon and Tenn die, they're upset. They're pissed. They blame AJ and yell at him. After they've had time to process what happened [Louis after the two week time skip, Violet after time passes between the bridge and the ending] they share the same, "I'm still upset about Marlon/Tenn. Can I be that for a while and still be your friend?" sentiment.
The difference is that Louis is treated poorly for it because of the vote, and because we feel it first hand for longer... Violet got to grieve off screen and come back after she's sorted herself out.
It's a disservice to both of their characters because it's rooted in that same mentality that I criticized at the beginning: "This is why one is better than the other."
Do I need to say it again? I'm gonna say it again.
One is not good and the other bad. They're different.
There are so many fun discussions that could come from putting Louis and Violet side by side, and examining them. I haven't even covered the different ways they're introduced, or compared their ep3 dates to see what it says about them and the overall narratives! What about the cell scenes!? How they react when Dorian's about the cut off their fingers! The way they approach James upon meeting him!
That last one in particular is especially funny! They're all under stress about blending in with a herd of walkers to infiltrate a boat to save their friends, and yet Louis easily saunters up to the guy wearing walker skins with a smile, and makes him laugh by saying, "Functional and fashionable. I'll take two."
Violet approaches James like he's an injured wild animal that's going to bite her, and bless her heart, she tries with, "I, uh… hey. Hey there, James. Sorry about Willy." Then James gives her this judgmental side-eye, like buddy? She's not the weirdo here.
There is so much potential to dissect here, and I want to see people do it... but I want them to do it fairly, in good faith.
I want to get away from the idea of comparing them to "prove" which is better because there is no objective better. There isn't! That's a waste of time!
I'm so done with The Debate™; it's unhelpful, it's annoying, and it's boring as shit. I've heard it all before, and you probably have, too.
I want to put Louis and Violet under a microscope and study them with the thought process of, "one does this and the other does that... what does it mean!? what does it say about the narrative!? Oh my god, they have the same opinion on this thing, WRITE THAT DOWN!"
So yeah, that's my ramble for the night.
I'm gonna go replay TFS for further research.
#twdg#twdg clementine#twdg louis#twdg violet#twdg aj#twdg tenn#twdg marlon#twdg minerva#twdg clouis#twdg violentine#clouis#violentine#i'll be real honest with you--i had a larger essay planned on this topic#that expanded on these ideas i've put forth here; especially the challenge vs validation thing and the allegories#but there were some parts where i could feel my personal bias slipping in too much...#like i had more to say about clouis than violentine at points because i'm more familiar with it#but then it didn't feel fair y'know? that's why i wish more people would talk about them like this#so that i could get different perspectives without having to deal with terrible 'one good one bad' arguments like they're so UNHELPFUL#i don't wanna hear about how much of a bitch you think vi is because she's angry in her cell scene#and i don't wanna hear about how 'well ACTUALLY it doesn't make sense that ANY clementine would romance louis because of the vote' STOP#to be fair tumblr isn't as bad with this. i'm mostly referring to fandom spaces outside of tumblr like reddit insta youtube etc#though tumblr certainly has had its moments#i dunno i'm just gonna throw this out there and then continue to work on the essay i want to and am able to fully write#and if people want to engage with it then fantastic can't wait to see what y'all have to say
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love like you / maternal pang
bonus under cut:
the first stephanie + the maternal pang tone destroyer i couldn't include bc it's a serious comic
#you might wanna zoom in for this one sorry#anyway i think putty likes orel. not enough to really get off his ass and help him but there's a fondness there#and i think his position of power relative to the rest of the town could be helpful in influencing things if he like. believed in them more#but he doesn't really expect any better from himself or the rest of moralton and i think it's because he doesn't really believe goodness is#attainable esp by christian/biblical standards. he thinks it's kind of a pretense for everyone. but then stephanie is good so what does tha#say about him? or moralton? i think he'd get a bit better with her around.#it'd make him insecure but she's an encouraging type so. maybe he'd get there eventually#we don't get to see much of that but eh. i think this show is hopeful at the end of the day. i don't think moralton WOULD change much but i#Could change a little. um. anyway that's what this comic is about lol#also im in love with stephanie. so.#moral orel#orel puppington#rod putty#reverend putty#stephanie putty#skrunkart#sorry if the models are kinda inconsistent i haven't drawn these fellers before#it's occurring to me that this is probably the longest comic i've posted on here? just by panel number anyway#which like. moral orel deserves it but that's kinda surprising because i've certainly made longer stuff before#but it's mostly oc stuff from like 3 years ago i never posted and don't really plan on posting#i guess i just tend to stick to gags or quick emotional punches and this is a more lengthy character exploration#which i tend to save for fics. but it's winter break so i've got the time. maybe that's it#this was supposed to be a quick thing where i got to draw stephanie what happened. anyway more moral orel stuff on the way but sheesh#this one kinda got away from me is all. but i like it :)#also full disclosure i forgot to go back and figure out stephanie's tattoos and i don't care enough to. sorry steph ily but im done#also btw i DO think most of moralton are true believers they're just like. assholes/hypocritical. they're godfearing but lazy when it comes#to ACTUALLY helping people (or otherwise let self interest get in the way leading to loopholes etc)#sorry i haven't written about the show before so the meta analysis/interpretation is leaking in#does moral orel have an abbreviation? it's a pretty short name so maybe not. i think moror would be cute :)#also i discovered i can do half-tones on firealpaca so i wanted to try it out :3
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hot take ame is the interdisciplinary studies major of the coven of elders
#she's all about the connections and relationships between the domains#like how community and human-ness interacts with nature and the spirit writ large#i wanna write an essay on this but for now have a poor quality meme#worlds beyond number#the wizard the witch and the wild one#ame#wbn#wbn spoilers#mirara is english because she certainly can't be social studies and grimoire got stuck with it - pack tactics i guess is my justification#indri stars and constellations and wind equals math to me#hacaea obviously science with all her plant stuff goin on#hence ame being real world problem/ interdisciplinary- the other domains not only affect hers but are fundamentally entwined#she's all the stuff that overlaps in the venn diagram of the coven rn plus all the other ones that departed over time#which makes the “give your report but don't talk about us” retort all the more ridiculous
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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to
#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something#and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na#it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you#i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me#im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my#house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama#i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single#day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so#tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up#but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet#tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies#we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless#talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them#to fill the gap the empty space#well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the#same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately#trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt#okay im definitely pmsing but whatever
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how would soleil and seigbert be as siblings??
omg. well first i like to hc siegbert as the older one (usually a year but w/e works), partially bc i like the whole "im the older brother and i MUST act like one" scenario it would inevitably produce. i think he'd end up protective of soleil, but this causes issues bc soleil would also be protective of him, albeit in a slightly different way, but ultimately i think they'd end up clashing in this particular regard lol. i don't think they squabble too often (beyond siegbert chiding soleil and soleil going hehe whoops *continues skirt-chasing*), honestly their biggest hurdle to overcome imo is that dual-attempt at protection which might end up requiring xander or laslow to step in. OTHER than that tho i think they'd get along well as siblings, it's not like they hate each other in-game--they'll just also have the occasional "daaaaaaaaaaaad siegbert is nagging me again make him stooopppp" peppered in there lolol
#as a resident haver of both older and younger siblings that tends to disagree with like 90% of sibling posts on this site. here is my take#some of soleil's being protective certainly comes from her whole 'future-lord siegbert' thing from their support#one of my first xanlow wips (that i still wanna write eventually) goes into the exploration of the fact they have different heritages#and trying to recognize each other's feelings on the matter#(i.e 'why won't siegbert let me protect him?' 'he's your big brother he loves you')#(and 'why won't soleil listen when i say that our bloodlines don't matter?' 'well unfortunately it's because they *do*'#partially reflecting how xander and laslow have had to deal with a very similar thing!#i wanted to write xander and laslow going through their feelings on the matter first. which i have now. so it's just a matter of when--#--for me writing the sibling fic. gjsjgjdfn#oh but also speaking of their support. i do think the 'PLEASE PUT A SHIRT ON' aspect is completely hilarious under a sibling context#'it's my house siegbert :/' 'ITS ALSO MY HOUSE'#ghsjfjsfhshfjsfnsnfb#phew. heh#thanks for the ask this was fun to answer#dots answers asks#anonymous#dots's xnlw tag
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Chapter 41
nothing too special in this chapter-
but it seems they're gonna release 42 later this month
two chapters in a month? at this rate we could be looking at doctor's translated backstory by March 😍
#akudama drive#doctor's backstory takes place in chapter 44 i believe (??)#i hope so at least#i don't wanna wait ten years for it#i really wanna see how close my translation comes to the official one#i feel like i did her backstory pretty poorly. but it's certainly understandable
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I want to be a hater about the cyl results so I'm making my own post so i can bitch in the tags about it. The tags will get long so the tldr is BOOOO everybody but Alfonse.
#man. MAN!!! after all the hexes and curses I tried to set upon her Bern sure did win huh.#like on the one hand i'm impressed on the other i hate her!! i hate her i hate her and I'm tired of pretending I don't!!#when i was playing 3h i could appreciate her good moments in between being insufferable and i liked her alright. she was fine#but like. we're 5 years out from 3h at this point and i'm just fucking sick of her. i don't understand her lasting popularity. i'm tired#Felix... should have been Sylvain.#i like him fine. he grew on me. but he certainly is not one of my enduring favourites from 3h. he fades into obscurity for me.#that said i don't hate him. i'm happy for his fans. you guys worked hard (clearly) deserved i just#i love 3h!! i do! but like. the accident was 5 years ago it's time to let her go.#and out of all the guys in 3h! if it had to be one of them! him? fr? whatever.#i've just never cared for f!robin. i feel nothing looking at her. less then nothing.#so i guess her winning isn't. bad per say. i guess it's a non issue.#that brings us back to MY MAN!!! ALFONSE!! lets goooooooooo#i'm so happy for him. always really liked Alfonse he's so <3<3#i know i don't post about him that much but#it's just that me and feh itself have a tumultuous relationship so i don't see him as much as i'd like >_>#he's the one i'm going to pick and i'm not going to bother rolling for the others#also the fact we have to wait til the 31st for the full results is agonizing#i wanna know if Rein survived. he didn't make ton 20 but i have to know how bad it is#if it's horrible the reason is obvious. he got an alt the week before cyl#can't imagine that'll put him at the top of anybodies list for needing at alt (except mine lol)#but still. at this point i'm just hoping for top 50 orz#snow blogging
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I was re-reading cass' short story and using her snake powers to do some vigilante shit hunting down men who harm women and children is. neat actually
#good for her#» out of character — ⌜main sup irl.⌟#if cass wanted to revert her transformation somehow bc she obviously loathes it at least initially#kat would want to help her (and like i said before she does want to hold out hope cass can still choose a different path and leave the br)#but if she's ok being a snek then. that's up to her auhdsiydsihd#kat would approve of how she's using her powers to hunt down trash men tbh#the assassin certainly wouldn't judge her for killing people who aren’t innocent at all#anyways#my brain is full of du couteau siblings#i don't wanna write cass bc i want to interact with sb writing cass#but maybe i will take matters into my own hands :/#sjdhishdisydish
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As someone who hates the sisyphean task of cleaning, how dare my mental health prefer a clean room.
#like come on brain - you could have made this one easier on the rest of me but ( as usual) NO You didn't#did i think about this as i sit in my tidy bedroom where everything just looks a lot cheerier and cozy and happy now that it's clean? yes#did it literally take me DAYS to get it this clean - and by this clean i still have laundry and stuff to do - so it's not perfect#but it looks like it p much is#and while my skin has not been cleared no my depression cured - it certainly is a boost to feel like this is a refuge#i actually want to spend time in her and feel like it's a nice room to be in - awaaaaaaaay from the other people i live with#and lbr - i need a plce to get awaaaaaaaay from them (and ok fine vice versa most likely)#but still - it would be a lot simpler if my brain liked a messy room more- my lazy parts would prefer that- but no#depression brain says -BITCH CLEAN UP - you will be happier and capable of doing some of the things if it's clean#also - you will feel LESS OF THE BAD HORRORS if it is clean#so UGH - FINE i will have to work to keep it clean - I GUESS.#i should reread camus's myth of sisyphus because iirc he didn't talk about dishes or laundry or room cleaning in that#he probably talked about death - been too many years since i read it - i don't remember - probs death and suicide#but not cleaning - he should have talked about cleaning. or wanting to die when you realized living means more cleaning#that would have been way relatable - but anyway - here we are- i'm not dead - and not planning on being so any time soon hopefully#partly because there is shit i still wanna do - but also partly because this room looks p decent and i'm not gonna make it messy#especially not by dying in here when it takes forever to get it clean#moral of the story: cleaning makes you feel like you wanna die but when it's done for the moment you'll be like i'll do that another day#because now the room is clean and dying in there would be a waste of the efforts of cleaning. just appreciate the space - vibe w/ it#and then you realize - ok life is maybe okay - and there's art and books and flowers and sex and chocolate and cute animals#so even if there are sisyphean tasks - and there are many - well do em anyway - brain will like it and then get back to the good stuff#thus endeth the tag saga after a short text post#welcome to how shit is around here sometimes
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me when i was supposed to have three (3) meetings with my long essay supervisor and i've only had one . almost two months ago btw . and the deadline for the long essay is next week . i'm literally writing her an email rn feeling like the messiest person on earth (i am) while hoping she won't chew my head off and agree to have at least one more meeting.. wish me luck and all that
#in my defense i had a lot of essays in march#i barely had time to think about the stupid long essay#like yeah i was doing research i was planning but i wasn't even thinking of starting it#and then spring break arrived#and i flew home#and i finally started the stupid essay but we were on BREAK i couldn't email her then#meetings were definitely off the table#and now i'm back and . this is the situation#this is where i am rn#i don't have anyone else to blame but myself#if i fail well . it'll be certainly deserved#(pls don't let me fail i wanna graduate i cannot keep doing this)#laurie rants
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Sometimes you just have to think about tween you and cry it out
#idk. i wanna sit down with her and tell her about how nice we're doing#i. she? she genuinely needed smth like that i think#and the way she rawdogged it all . no therapy no confidants no vent posts or art.#took it all like a champ. she shouldn't have had to but she did and i'm proud of her (tho saying i'm proud of myself feels weird#when i think about the fact that i was. just a child. i feel like i handled it about as well as i could have)#it's certainly weird but i think she would have liked to know that like#i can think of it without triggering an entire episode#and that i can sleep through the night and i don't have to exhaust myself to the point of passing out to sleep#it's chill now. i'm happy and thankful for that but my heart aches just a little bit#it almost feels like that little child me was terribly wronged#i dealt with it very well but why did i have to deal with it alone - type wronged#even though i begged my mother to get me help and everything#and when i got sent to be evaluated i hoped i could steer the convo to that area but#just got told i'm emotionally empty and had anger issues
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successfully edited thru chapter 10 of my book (finally), and did not start a gundam wing/game of thrones crossover!!!! (still tempted)
tomorrow is 'go to REI and exchange my shoes because i online ordered them in the same size as my current shoes but they dont fit and i need new shoes before the snow starts sticking' day, and after that I'm gonna see if I can finish up the next GM chapter.
Next week I need to actually edit more of my book every day after work, so that my weekend is FREE for writing but ugh i still don't know how people have the energy to DO THINGS after work im always so tired and only want to veg out.
my job isnt even that demanding i just hate working.
at least editing is fun.
#clena's writing progress#clena's original stories#the editing saga#somehow in the 6 years since i wrote this book i managed to forget how much i loved it#like i remembered that i love it and want to publish it#but i forgot how MUCH i loved it#the writing is... bad. in places. a lot of places. but fuck man.#the story and the characters#i love them so much#i want to do them justice#i don't wanna make a tag for that story because my original book should probably be separate from my online handles but like#fuck i wanna talk about it so much you guys dont understand its my baby and i love it#its easy to see EXACTLY where my brain decided that my purely no-romance adventure story decided that it was actually lesbian tho#i still remember writing it and being like NO MC YOU CANT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER SHES ALREADY BEEN SCRIPTED TO DIE#MC PLEASE#MC STOP HER DEATH WAS ALREADY DECIDED YOU CANT TURN THIS INTO A LESBIAN TRAGEDY#MC: *turns it into a lesbian tragedy*#like its so obvious right now how UNPLANNED it was because i can see the immediate tone shift in how i write MC and Guide#sometimes my paranoid ass fears being accused of the Bury Your Gays trope but then i have to remind myself that its NOT that#that's for people who deliberately murder gay people for straight char angst or shock value.#not for tragedies and certainly not for characters who decided they were gay for each other ten chapters in with no prior warning#wish i were better at not being paranoid over Being Accused of Problematic Writing like sometimes i look at this book#like no one is perfect clena and maybe there are problems with your book but there's literally no single perfect media in the world#so just put it out there and if people find issues just accept the critique and do better next time#but its still so scary
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Oh god. I played 9.7 hours of P:WotR today... that's fucking wild. I am clearly so very normal about this game.
#morrigan.text#delete later#morrigan plays#p:wotr#pwotr#pathfinder wrath of the righteous#I fucked up Ember's personal quest and Arueshalae left bc demon mythic path but other than her everyone's still here.#and I picked up Trevor so I still have 12 people + meatloaf the dire boar.#I swear this party is more busted than my party from my first playthrough. Maybe I'm just imagining things but it feels like it.#I mean Olna is certainly 500x more busted than Reda what with the 40 strength. And meatloaf is much better than Reda's horse.#(whose name I don't even remember)#but even with my companions it feels like they're much more powerful this time. Maybe I just got better at the game???#I've certainly gotten better about using buffs and such.#anyways. I cannot recommend this game enough.#I'm less than halfway through chapter 5 and I'm already at level 18 and mythic rank 9 which is fucking wild.#You level up so fast tho. I have literally leveled up at least once every single irl day I've played. Often twice.#so I'll be telling my friends about my character builds and then a few hours later things have changed again.#leveling up characters is always one of my favorite parts of games like this. And pathfinder has SO many options which makes it better.#so I'm going to be sad once I hit the max level. :'(#I have so many companion quests to do but I have to get my crusade armies to clear some paths first.#so I've been doing a lot of day-skipping in crusade mode to get armies where they need to go and recruit more soldiers.#luckily there aren't super strict time limits just certain events that trigger.#anyways.#I need to go to bed but I also need to do some quick studying for my mammology exam that's first thing in the morning.#urgh. I don't wanna. But I really should at the very least review the order names and stuff.
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Ama zoe
Me: *sighs*
It's beautiful and weird on so many levels.
Get Round Tuit
#mmm something curious there certainly#you are going to look very pretty with both of you on your knees#it's so good I just Have to see it though#on some level always.... listen bro i wanna play with her as bad as you#just rituals of hard drugs and mind melting sex#shivering....giving a forehead a kiss#it was....so strangely intimate#one of those small things to look back on and be like I think she was really into me#sigh.....#the real reason for the honeymoon wait is you need all parties there#yeah I was captive of the way she moves though#one must focus until there is nothing but the orgasms rolling in waves#not by interaction no conferences#language skill drops as the full body approaches#I see all these videos...#and perhaps after you ascertain body control with practice#like maybe you think you know#but I always have tricks even I don't know I can do up my sleeve#your so small it doesn't matter#you can just have your head go down prone and I will simply contine to pull you up to full head at entry and back#I sense my crotch getting wet down there....#uh whoa she a really sweaty#Hot sweat juice#has a distinct smell of pussy though#I catalyze your glandular production with my hands on celestial mechanics#but yeah you were contorting involuntarily and you might as well give me access to *sniff#flick my tongue just on the hairs#rub my lips into your neck....but it's not a kiss#it is just telling you I own you#pot holder
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THE WAY YOU WRITE IS JUST SO YUMMM so yeah🧍🏻♀️can you write something about streamer ellie <33
☆: IM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT. definitelyyyy hasn't been...months...anyway. positive this is one of the worse things i've written, but didn't wanna leave you hanging forever! ngl it's pretty filthy..heh.
◇: 18+ pretend those twitch guideline things don't exist. remote control vibrator use, orgasm denial, sub-ish!ellie?? plot twist at the end bc i think im so funny. 1.6k wc. don't mind the layout of this idk what else to do...
You watch your girlfriend stream her game from your fluffy and comfortable spot on your shared bed—you observe how focused she was on her screen, how her skilled fingers were flying across the keyboard and mouse. It would certainly be a shame to disturb her in such a high tension moment but you think it over, running your finger over the small buttons of the sleek little remote in your hand.
"Yeah, yeah, got 'em! Look at that guys, I fuckin’ aced that!" Ellie rejoices in her victory, and gleefully boasts to her viewers, adjusting her microphone closer and leaning back in her chair.
You're glad you were far off camera, her fans didn't even know she was in a relationship—Ellie made it clear she wanted you to be separate from her hobbies, not because she wanted to keep you a secret, but because she wanted to keep you safe. And you enjoyed watching her stream from the sidelines like this, you saw how her personality captivated viewers and how much fun she really was. But you also enjoyed messing with her on the occasion. Like today.
"Can I watch tonight's stream again?" You asked her eagerly. "Yeah, why not? I'll be doing some tournaments and stuff though, so no distractions." Oops. You bit back a laugh. Ellie immediately sussed out the mischievous look on your face and she sighed, expecting the worst.
Then you showed her the box you've been hiding, "Please let's try, I won't click it too much, I promise." She stared at you for a whole minute, maybe more, before sighing and reluctantly agreeing, rubbing her hands all over her face. "God, fine. Just 'cause I love you. Damn you're evil."
Fast forward to now—the device was snugly inserted inside her pretty pussy, tested out to prove it does in fact work, and works well at that.
So off Ellie went to play her game, getting so caught up in everything she seemingly forgot about the device entirely. In between games she was talking to the viewers, reading the chat and joking back and forth. You decided it was a good enough time to click it so you pressed the button, only for a miniscule zap.
She jerked in her seat, gasping, but quickly recovered with a strategic cough. "Phew sorry guys, something got caught in my throat." You saw a bright berry blush spread across her face, and the way she fought to turn and throw a glare at you. This was going to be fun.
"Alright, the next round’s gonna start, we gotta lock in! Hopefully nothing pops up and this goes smoothly. I can taste the win already.” She put a certain warning tone to her voice in the last part of her sentence, you knew it was meant for you, but were you going to listen? Absolutely not. "Oh yeah chat fun fact, this old area of the map was inspired by ancient ruins just of—ah!" As if her body had a mind of its own, she squirmed in her seat and she clapped her hand over her mouth to stifle a moan when you hit it again, but this time you didn't turn it off right away. You kept it going for a few more seconds, to prolong the terribly delicious sensation.
She screwed her eyes shut tightly and held her breath until you turned it off, mumbling to her viewers about "having hiccups". "The game is starting now, so we really gotta get serious." Her voice had an unsteadiness to it only you could hear, she was keeping her composure rather well so far. But likely wouldn't be able to keep up the act for much longer. Even she has her limits.
As her match went on, she got quiet when she was focused, mashing the keys with a speed fast as sound. Of course, you hit it again, just a short one, causing a choked "guh" to escape from her lips and she twitched when you did so, her facade starting to crack. The effort to keep her voice stable was showing, she was huffing and struggling to get her words out clearly, they were laced with obvious irritation.
"Fuck missed the shot, dammit. Yeah I don't know, somethings up today, sorry guys...off my game." You decided to be nice to her until the game ended, not pressing it further or adjusting the intensity. She played for a little while longer before losing the match, leaning forward on the desk with her face in her hands. This was the perfect moment, so you cranked it up, increased the intensity to maximum, and held the button for the longest time yet, making her whine—a low, drawn out sound she couldn't stifle this time.
You could hear lots of messages being sent, pings in rapid succession, they were probably clipping that moment. Perverts, you thought.
Her chest was noticeably heaving up and down, her legs spread as she rocks her front against the chair, and she kept her head lowered until you decreased the intensity but didn't turn it all the way off. Her hands were shaking, and her face was a vibrant cherry red, the screen even reflected the sparkle of a couple tears in her eyes.
“What? Oh, I'm just so sad about the loss guys, we were so close—hnn- so…so closeahh—I mean, we should've gotten that…” She trailed off, chewing on her bottom lip and tapping her fingers on the desk’s wooden surface. “Y’know what, I'll be right back.” She paused the stream, made triple sure her camera and microphone were turned off, then whipped around in her chair to face you, glaring silver daggers your way.
You just giggled innocently and turned the device off again. “What the fuck is wrong with you, this shit is not- not light on you at all.” Her voice was breaking, her pretty features contorted in a beautifully needy expression, eyebrows furrowed and eyes all watery. Nearly as wet as the mess in her pants. You feigned innocence and shrugged at her, “Well I didn't know it was that strong.” “You knew damn well.” She's fed up with your antics, but you have fun playing with her. She covers her face and leans back in the chair, the embarrassment in her voice the only thing you could hear, “Fuck you...turn it up again, wanna cum.”
You couldn't contain the laugh that burst forth from your chest, then said, “Only if you stream it.” The shock that flickered across her face was priceless, you wish you could have snapped a photo.
“What the fuck do you mean by that, nah forget it.”
“Hey, you gotta finish your stream either way, they're waiting. Would you wanna be so awful and deprive those darlings of your presence?”
You flash her a sugary smile, and she shoots you a murderous look again, before wordlessly scooting back to her setup, fanning herself briefly and readjusting her coppery hair.
Then she turns the stream back on. “Sorry guys, I had to get up for a second. Anyway, let's play one more game. I'm getting kinda tired today. Let's make this one count, lock in like never before.” She takes a deep breath, cracks her knuckles, and begins smacking away at the keyboard buttons. You're able to see the way she looks tense, on edge, anticipating your devilish interruption.
You debate whether you should torture her, but the answer quickly becomes clear. Click.
“Ah—fuck!” She sputters, and roughly slams her fist on the desk. The pleasure was hitting her with full force, she was in her own, lewd, world now. Her head is thrown back, back arched and hips stuttering, the release was about to sneak up on her.
You watch the scenario unfold, licking your lips and pressing your thighs together to deal with the pressure between them. Her unapologetic moans get louder, but for a second she snaps out of the trance to sit back upright, turn the stream off, before the peak hits her like a truck.
“Holy, fu—hah!!” With a squeal she cums, not caring about how fucking loud she was being, wanting to be selfishly absorbed in ecstasy.
She started to jolt around in her seat, the throes of overstimulation making her whimper like an animal in heat, it truly was a sight to behold. You wish you were in between her legs, lapping up her sweetness straight from the source, but in a way, just watching from the sidelines was satisfying enough. You'll clean her up afterward.
Finally you turned it off once and for all, and gazed at her, she was panting heavily, the post-orgasm glow making her rosy skin shimmer in the low light.
“Hmmm, thanks babe, that was so good…” She tried to talk, her head was in the clouds, but she looked at peace.
“You're a whore.” You chortled, and you two shared a laugh.
Although, a flurry of shrill sounds brought you both out of the fantasy. Ping, ping, ping.
Unfortunately she wasn't able to enjoy the aftermath of a mind-numbing session, because her eyes shot open and she began scrambling to find the source of the sound. Your stomach dropped as you watched her panic, her neuroticism infectious.
She looked at you, her eyes wider than saucers, nothing but fear in her voice, “I wasn't able to turn my mic off…”
What was she going to do now?
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