#and I can stop feeling shitty about my writing because of various factors
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When I find myself in times of writer self-doubt, Seanan McGuire comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: Alchemical Journeys.
#aka tidal creatures is out!!!!#now maybe my reading slump will end#and I can stop feeling shitty about my writing because of various factors#so excited to read about moon people#I know seasonal fears wasnât my favorite but Middlegame WAS so Iâm tentatively excited for this one
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"At least with Persona, I can expect the world to keep going and expanding (either it's main continuity or the larger continuities in general)" I mean, you say that, but then P5 and its spinoffs happened and there sure weren't a buncha posts about how they conflict with/retcon various lore and story details no siree (tho that could also be the unhealthy side of hyperfixation, that does pop up)
I mean......I didn't specify that the expanding was always good and consistent. TT0TT Just that they at least put in the effort to keep building on it a little bit at a time. So I at least have a steady and manageable stream to work off of.
I feel like it's more of an issue of "this is a big franchise. They'll make goofs, have changes in creatives and writing teams. Sometimes they'll be conflicting info, sometimes it's retcons (replacement/override types and "additive" types)"
How angry I get might be more of the unhealthy side of the hyperfixation I gotta deal with. TT0TT But I'm aware goofs are gonna happen.
Avatar's gone through a lot of this, between the "nick extras" (I thought we all agreed that was bunk? but I saw some people using these more as facts recently?? TT0TT), the comics, Korra, and the new chronicle novels (and lord knows there's a bunch of other supplementary material nowadays too TT0TT)
My issue with P5 (ah, a statement as old as time 8U or is it a dead horse? ...or a broke record? Or all of the above? TT0TT) and it's spinoffs was just.....egregious tbh, that if they are retcons, it felt more akin to gaslighting than retconning TT0TT P5 even having issues within it's own game let alone the others so I'm like????? But hey, P3 has a timeline problem.....it annoys me a lot too, but at least I can be like "Atlus can't math, they mean 1999 not 2000 here, it's the 4 fucking iteration of P3 but they still can't fix it I see but whatever I'LL DO THE HEAVY LIFTING!"
That's a bit more doable, esp since it's one semi-consistent issue (makes me wonder if they meant for the game to take place in 2010 rather than 2009).
But yeah, both franchises have varying issues, esp because of their size. Same thing can be said about Harry Potter (fuck JK), which is famous for shitty retcons. And Naruto, which is famous for additive retcons.
All those are different than like.... say.....Addams' Family and it's spinoffs (and if anyone says different, they are wrong and don't know anything! 8U). Because, despite it also being a long running franchise, if you took a good hard look at each entry.......they all have diff canons. The have a lot of similarities, they share a lot of key canon similarities, but they don't share EVERYTHING. And they certainly don't execute things the same way (just look at the char Wednesday, there was a big shift in her key component as a char around the 90s!). So that's not really retcons or rewrites. It's literally just diff canons. TT0TT (ah I'm getting off topic so I'll just stop there).
TLDR; I only claimed that they got content (not that all the content was good or bad). Long running franchises will just have goofs, how bad they get varies. How annoyed I get varies depending on various factors, but yeah that can be part of the negative side of hyper fixation too sadly TT0TT
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Awkward Encounters
Authors Note: At first, I was going to write this as the reader being in Tessaâs perspective but then I thought that it would be too much of a copyright. There may be some similarities to the story but I have written Tessa in as a separate party. Tessa is still with Noah in this. Also, I will be referencing parts from both the movie and the novels. In this particular fanfiction Tristan is a girl, like the movie.
Summary: You are a freshman at college and your life there started pretty normally. Your best friend is Tristan who is dating Steph who is roommates with Tessa. That was until you went to a party with Tristan and the girls. You had no idea that the mysterious British boy was going to intervene when you come face to face with the Bitch that is Molly.
Warning: Swearing
Pairing: Reader x Hardin Scott
Word Count: 4,423
âCome on Tristan, I told you.â I moan. âI canât go to another party; I am still recovering from the last one.â I cling to a cold compress, trying my best to shield my eyes from the light that is seeping in through the open door.
Tristan threw a pack of Ibuprofen onto my lap that she snooped around in my bag for. âIf itâs that bad, take one of these and get your butt out of that bed.â I groan at the impact from the small box just for the effect. âDonât be a baby and get up.â
I roll over on the bed to face the wall. âCanât you just go with Steph?â
âNo!â She abruptly spat out. âI want to go with you. Steph is bringing Tessa and I donât want to show up alone.â
âBut you will be with her when youâre there. Whatâs the point in me getting out of this lovely cocoon that I have made, just to walk you to the party?â
Tristan had her head bent over, pulling her hair into a high ponytail on the top of her head. âYou know that what you just said was the whole point.â She sighed. âEveryone is going to stare at me when I walk in there all on my lonesome.â
I eyed the short revealing dress that she was pulling onto her petite and envious body. âYou know everyone will be staring at you no matter what if you wear that.â I laugh. âThose legs are going to be the headliner for that party.â
Tristan winked at me and continued adding more accessories to her ever-growing ensemble. âThat my dear naĂŻve British friend is the goal of this outfit.â She dropped to her knees faster than I could pry open the antibiotic wrapper. Gripping onto my hand she pulled me away from my mission to rid the world of the swirling furniture before my very eyes. âY/N, if you do not go, I will literally never talk to you ever again.â
I raised my eyebrow at the sight before me. âIs that a promise.â I bravely say.
âY/N! Please!â
âFine alright. Give me five minutes.â I surrender, using every ounce of strength that I had left to lift myself from my comfy nest. âBut you owe me, big time.â Tristanâs arms were around my neck faster than I could respond. Her soft lips that I am sure Steph adores, pressed against my forehead.
âI love you so much Miss Y/L/N!â She squealed.
I let out a stiff laugh as I saunter off to the bathroom to sort whatever state I currently appeared to be in.
***
âYou know, when you said that this was going to be a cool night for us both? When did I factor into the equation?â I scoff, lifting the red solo cup to my lips. The bitter taste made my stomach curl, but what was worse was not drinking around all these over-the-top drunk people.
Tristan was straddling Steph on the sofa by the side of me. These two did not understand the true definition of PDA and why some people may find it uncomfortable. Including myself.
I inch further down the sofa that was unsurprisingly very sticky. If I wasnât feeling queasy when I turned up, I certainly felt it now. I try to distract myself from the fact that I had to peel my legs from the leather material just to cross them. The sound was very unflattering.
âWhy are you in my seat?â I roll my eyes the minute I recognised the irritating voice that filled me with angst and hatred from across the room. Molly Samuels. Her whole presence just irritates me, and it appears that I am not the only one with this response. I gaze over to my left to see Tessa shaking her head at the general distaste she had for the girl. I lift my cup up to Tessa who shyly mimics. âTo stuck up bitches, ay?â I say to myself, quietly so that she couldnât hear.
Molly pushed Zed Evans and his girlfriend for the night out of her shitty throne causing his date to land hard on her arse. I am sure it wasnât the first time that Molly has done this to declare her âpowerâ to the whole room. âWho the fuck do you think you are?â The blonde cried as Zed attempted to pick her up from the floor which was soaked in alcohol.
âDoes this brat literally think she can talk to me right now?â Molly scoffed, flicking her hair over her shoulder. Turning to her so-called friends for approval of her comment and actions.
âWhat did you just call me?â The poor young girl shook off Zedâs protective arm and stepped right in front of Mollyâs nose. Probably not the best move, but I have always found that Molly needed taking down a peg or two.
âYou heard me, loud and clearâ She popped her tongue on the letter âlâ in loud. âA little slutty brat who thinks for a second that Zed will call her back after he fucks her tonight.â Mollyâs teeth were snarling almost like a wild animal.
âAt least Iâm not a bitchy whore who thinks that everyone here is her friend.â There were a couple âohsâ and âahsâ almost as if we were at a panto and not a college party after Zedâs girlâs response.
The second Molly let the words register her hand was leaving that poor girlâs cheek, along with a bright red handprint in its place.
âWhat the fuck, Molly!â I heard the words clear as day, but I never in a million years imagined that they would come from my mouth. But there I was, standing right in front of Molly, shielding the young girl from another blast to the face.
I could hear people whispering behind my back. âWhat is she doing?â âIs she stupid or something?â âDoes she not know what Molly is like?â Despite being close friends with Tristan, I never would have expected her to step up to defend me, especially when Molly Samuels was involved. She stayed on Stephâs lap; eyes bugged open. Utterly frozen.
âWow Y/N? Get involved in other peopleâs business much? Just because your life is too sad, you feel like you can insert yourself into other peopleâs.â I roll my eyes at her pathetic attempt to rattle me. âYouâre just a sad little virgin that no body wants around. Tristan only invited you tonight for her own benefit. Just look around, you donât fit in here.â
I stay silent. I may have only spoken up once tonight, but that was enough for me. Frat parties are my least favourite place to be. The only reason I came here tonight was for Tristan. I should have left the minute she started making out with the red-haired beauty.
âCat got your tongue now, bitch.â Mollyâs face was inches from mine and I choked on the strong aroma of alcohol on her breath. âOh, wait I forgot, the girl doesnât own a backbone.â There were a few stifled laughs here and there. Zed stayed silent, as did Tristan and Steph. None of them making the effort to stand up for me. âLet me guess. Tristan batted her big eyes at you and begged you to come tonight, didnât she? Then ditched you the moment someone prettier came into the picture.â
I gulp back the bile that I knew had risen to the back of my throat. âWhy donât you go back to your dorm. Oh, better yet, get on a fucking plane and fly back to shitty England. We could only get lucky and hope the thing crashes with you inside it.â
âThatâs enough Molly!â The voice behind me held a British twang similar to my own. A voice I had only heard about but never actually seen. The bad boy, Hardin Scott.
Hardin Scott was attractive. Since I got here, I knew he was the talk of the college. Everybody knew who he was and that he wasnât good news. His white shirt displayed his various tattoos clearly through the thin and tight fabric. His black hair was pushed back to show his piercing eyes and anger set eyebrows. His eyes never left Molly who was stood behind me.
âOh, Hardin you know I am only messing with the virgin.â She forces a small laugh. âItâs not like I can control the planes is it.â Her head tilts to the side as her gaze locks onto mine, only to intimidate. âI mean I wish I could.â She muttered so that only the people stood around her could hear.
âDo you ever know when to stop!â Hardin barks, not acknowledging me physically. âDo you ever think that youâre the one that people donât want around?â He questions, moving slowly across the room. I hadnât noticed but the volume of the once booming music had been lowered to a slight hum in the background.
Hardin was now stood right beside me glaring down at Molly who mimicked his stance. âDing Ding. Come on guys letâs just drop it!â Nate calls over when he noticed their glares on each other were far from breaking.
Molly was the first to move. âYouâre right Nate.â She coos. âLetâs play a game.â She scans the room of her so-called posy who all appeared to be done with her shit for the night. âItâs Friday night. We need to play a game. I will even let the little virgin here play along, too.â
I am very aware that all the eyes were now back on me.
This wasnât something that I wanted to be a part of. It took me what felt like an eternity to move my feet across the room to where Tristan was sitting. âI am going to head back to the dorms.â I declare quietly to her, but I can tell that they are all listening.
âNo please stay, it wonât be the same if you go.â Tristan reaches for my hand which I pull away.
I donât know why I am letting Mollyâs words sink in so much. Everybody who knows her knows that she is full of herself and couldnât give a shit who she hurts.
âNo, itâs late.â It was only nine. âAnd I have assignments that are due.â I lie, they are all finished. âIâll see you back at the dorm.â
I start towards the door but I can hear Tristan calling after me to stay.
As I reach the front door to the frat house, I hear Mollyâs voice loud and clear. âSo, Hardin truth or dare?â
***
The walk back to the dorms was anything but peaceful. The cars were loud and honking at me as they passed. Classy.
I reach for my phone in my bag. I could do with tuning out the world for this half hour walk back in the dark. But my fingers only find a vibrant red lipstick that I couldnât pull off in a million years.
I stop dead in my tracks. This was Stephâs bag; I grabbed the wrong one during my never-ending embarrassment.
I couldnât go back, but I couldnât go further either. Where was I supposed to go, Stephâs key wasnât in here so itâs not like I could sleep in her room for the night. No cash, key or phone meant that I had no other choice. I had to suck it up and go back.
âFuuuck!â I shout, not caring that I startled an elderly woman who was placing a rubbish bag in her bin just outside her front door.
âNot a very ladylike thing to say.â I hear a mocking chuckle behind me causing me to jump out of my skin.
When I turn around, I am greeted by the tall British bad boy covered in ink standing about 6 foot in front of me.
His head cocks to the side when I donât answer him. âYou donât say much, do you?â My eyes scan over his attire, black ripped jeans, white top, and a jet-black leather jacket. âBut you do stare a lot, donât you?â That British chuckle makes itâs second appearance tonight.
âWhat do you want?â I blurt out, shaking my head at the fact that I was indeed caught staring at the boy.
He steps a little closer to me, closing the gap between us ever so slowly. I watch in amazement at how sexy he makes walking look. âYou left this at the party.â I hadnât realised that he had extended his hand to reveal a clutch bag. My clutch bag.
âOh!â I speak. âThanks.â I take the bag from him and prepare myself for the walk back.
âDonât take any notice of Molly. She is a bitch.â
âYep.â I chip in, turning to walk back towards the college dorm rooms.
I only get a few steps ahead when I feel a cold sensation wrap around my bare arm. Why the fuck didnât I bring a coat? I gaze down at the hand that is pressed to my skin. âWhere are you going?â He softly says. His tone and action were not at all forceful but something about him made me shiver with fear deep inside the pit of my stomach. I was warned about Hardin Scott. Tristan said that he wasnât exactly good news around her group of friends. Acting with his fists before connecting his words, thatâs what she said at least.
âH-Home.â I stutter, half from the interaction, half from how fucking cold it was. I straighten up. âI am going home.â
âAlone?â He jumps in straight away.
I donât answer. I just look back at his hand around my arm.
âS-sorry.â He stutters, removing his hand from my arm. âItâs just itâs a long way back to the dorms and it is late.â
I shrug my shoulders at his declaration. âI know.â I simply say and start to walk again but I am blocked by the gorgeous boy standing in front of me. âOh fuck, youâre not going to kill me, are you?â
âNo of course not!â He blurts.
âGood! Now could youâ I gesture to the fact that he is stood directly in my path. He catches on to my hint and steps aside.
âYouâre not going to walk there alone, are you?â His voice sounding desperate.
I spin and mockingly look around for people, lifting my hand to shield my eyes as I continue my search. This provokes a choked sigh from Hardin. Once I am satisfied with my âsearchâ I say âyepâ and continue to walk.
âBut it is late.â He chimes in again walking backwards trying desperately not to break my gaze as I try desperately to avoid his. âAnd youâre alone.â
âYes, we have established this.â I mock, glaring at the stoned pavement or sidewalk ahead of me.
Hardin reaches both hands out in front of himself creating a wall which stops me from taking another step. âWhat is your problem?â
I take a step back, alarmed at his outburst. âMy problem. Youâre the one who has continuously blocked my way for the past ten minutes.â I bark. I try to move around him but he doesnât budge, copying my actions to stay ahead of me.
âI am trying to offer my services.â Hardin exclaimed but then scowled at his choice of words. I too have a hard time accepting the word âservices.â Just as I go to argue he opens his mouth. âFuck thatâs not what I meant to say.â His hands instantly dart to push his hair back out of his face. A nervous tick I assume. What did he have to be nervous about? He is the one stalking after college girls at half 9 at night.
âLook can we start over?â He offers shoving his hands into his jacket. My arms promptly raise to cover my bare arms where goosebumps have started to form. Why didnât I bring a jacket? âCould I possibly walk you back to the dorms?â His eyes dropped to the ground to stare at a pebble that he toyed with his shoe. Was he anxious?
âWhy?â I question fairly quickly.
âI just want to make sure that you get back safe!â His tone wasnât very friendly. I cock my head to one side. âSorry, that came out bad.â His tone softening. âI just didnât like the way that Molly spoke to you earlier and I also hate the fact that you would be walking back in this sketchy neighbourhood alone.â
âFine.â
***
We walk all the way back to the dorms in silence. Hardin looked uncomfortable the entire time as if he were being forced to be here. I sure as hell did not make him.
I pull the key from my bag and slot it into the lock on the door. Pushing the door slightly open I stand with my arms still draped across my shivering body in the doorway. âWell, thanks for walking me back and bringing me my bag.â
Hardin didnât budge. His eyes were locked on my body, traveling from my legs to my face. His face turned a shade of white when his eyes caught up to mine. âFuck!â He announced.
âWhat!â I jump at his sudden change in demeaner.
âYour lips.â He gestures to my trembling lips that havenât stopped shaking since I stepped outside of the frat house. âThey are fucking blue!â Panic surges over him as he rakes his hands through his hair. âWhy didnât you say you were cold?â He started passing back and fourth in front of me.
âThere wasnât much you could do.â I counter. âMy own stupid fault for not bringing a coat.â
I walk inside the room and grab a jacket and throw it on over my shaking body. Hardin enters after me and grabs my hand carefully. âFuck lot that will do.â He picks up a towel and drags me back down the hallway.
I try to pull my arm back but it is no use. âWhere the hell are you taking me?â I say a little too loud. Silently cursing myself if I may have woken up any of the other students living down this dorm.
âThe showers now come on.â He tugs a little harder as his feet guide me towards the shared bathroom just a few floors down from my own.
As we reach the bathroom, Hardin throws the towel over the railing and reaches in to turn on the water. I couldnât help but watch his every move. âGet in!â He cries. Gesturing to the box that was filling with tempting hot steam.
I hesitate. âY/N, get in the fucking shower.â I jump, not at his tone. But at the fact that he used my name. How did he even know it? Oh right, he was at the party when Molly was insulting me. âIf you donât start undressing now, I will have to start doing it for you.â
I raise an eyebrow but decline his offer, stepping into the box and pulling the curtain across to shield my naked body.
***
Hardin was right, I needed that shower. I hadnât realised how cold I had gotten from that walk home. I stood in that shower for what felt like half the evening.
I shut off the water and begin to pull the curtain slightly across so that I could reach for the towel that Hardin had placed on the rail when Hardinâs hand slips through holding the towel between his fingers.
âThanks.â I mutter, draping it around my soaking body.
I step out to find that Hardinâs hair has dropped and started to stick to his forehead in places from the steam. His eyes dart up and down my body, quietly.
I am the first one to break the silence as we stand there in the shared bathroom. âSo, I should um, probably get back to my room.â
I watch as Hardin lets my words break him from his still stance. âYeah, um, after you.â He holds his arm out and follows me out of the bathroom. Something has shifted in Hardin. Tonight, I have seen him; angry, intimidating, shy, solemness and lost for words. It was a lot to take in during a short period of time.
I open the dorm door and step inside. When I hear the door shut, I jump and almost drop the towel. âShit, sorry I didnât mean for the door to shut so loudly.â He curses under his breath.
âItâs okay.â I mutter. I cling to the towel as I stare back at Hardin who hasnât moved or made any effort to leave.
âY/N?â Hardinâs voice softer than ever tonight, bringing my eyes to meet his. âWhy didnât you say anything?â
âWhat do you mean?â My words coming out slowly. His head dropped to face the floor. Was he trying to count the flecks of glitter on the carpet from Tristanâs body butter or something?
âWhy didnât you say that you were cold?â I roll my eyes, this again. Crossing my arms over my stomach.
âLike I said, there wasnât anything you could have-â
âI could have given you my jacket.â He interjects. Taking a step closer to me. His body was merely a foot away from mine.
âBut then you would have been the one with the blue lips.â I counter. Tilting my head to the side in a modest challenging manner.
This stirred something within Hardin, but I couldnât quite put my finger on it. I know that he isnât used to a woman not agreeing with every word that comes out of his mouth.
I suddenly shake my head as I feel a slight chill spread up my back. I am still in my towel and now I am very much aware of that. Quickly I turn away from his locked-on gaze.
âCan I have some privacy please.â I mumble, not able to turn around to face him. âI need to, uh, get changed.â I add.
Hardin lets out a small grunt but eventually I do hear the click of my dorm-room door close. I donât know why but I feel a shed of disappointment at the fact that he listened and actually left.
It takes my hands what feels like hours to release the tight grip that I held on to the towel. Allowing it to fall onto the floor.
âYou know what-â I hear the click of the door and his voice fill my ears. I jump from my spot in the middle of the room. He doesnât finish the sentence, instead Hardin slams the door behind him. âFuck!â His eyes firm but glued on my body.
I quickly try to grab the towel up off the floor, but it is no use. Hardin instantly placed his foot over the soggy material. âDonât.â He lets that one word fall from his lips as he slowly continues to decrease the distance between us.
âHardin!â I shout. âGive-â I canât finish my argument as I find his finger is placed over the top of my lips.
Hardin doesnât speak, he just shakes his head. His soft hand moves from my lips and trails off to my cheek, holding me in place. My eyes locked onto his own, frozen in place. I watch as his eyes bounce from my own to my lips, seeking permission. His other hand snaked its way around and laid itself on the small of my back, pulling my naked body closer to his.
I was completely thrown off by the audacity of my body responding to his touch, bringing me to him. Everything happened in slow motion from the second we were back in my room. I knew that Hardin was trouble, everybody did. But no one actually prepares you for a moment like this. Where you are stood in front of a gorgeous guy whose whole attention you own. Did I say he was gorgeous?
I shake my head breaking the eye contact trance I was in. âHar-â
âYouâre so beautiful.â He interrupts, breaking right through the barrier I was desperately trying to build. Correction, he shattered the wall to pieces and I find myself pushing my lips aggressively against his, hungry for the contact.
It takes him a second to return the haste in my actions within his own. Moving his lips to mimic the speed that I had set for him. It took no time at all for that jacket that he kept holding over me for not taking since we got back to the room to be thrown onto the floor, revealing the crisp white T-shirt underneath.
His hand wandered lower to lay slightly above my bare arse. While my hands slithered up underneath his shirt. Desperate to feel the skin underneath and to trace the ink that it held. The hand that rested on my cheek now held tightly to the back of my neck making it impossible to break the kiss, not that I wanted to.
I could stay like this forever, kissing Hardin has awoken something inside me that I didnât even know existed. This overwhelming hunger for his contact. I tug a little on the hair on the back of his head which in response summoned a deep growl from Hardin that I didnât think I was prepared to hear. Any sense of doubt that we should stop kissing left my mind the second I heard that sound.
âY/N? You would not believe what you missed after-â Tristan stood in the open doorway, her mouth held open just as wide.
Fuck. I jump back from Hardin and scramble for the towel, concealing my naked form from my roommate. I look over to Hardin who didnât look at all affected by the events in the last ten seconds.
âI can tell your busy so I will just, yeah.â Tristan steps back and shuts the door behind her.
I run into the closet and quickly throw on a set of underwear and a long-oversized shirt that came down to lie just beneath my arse. âI think itâs about time I start locking that door.â I joke as I step through the closet door.
My eyes roam the room for the handsome boy I was just making out with only to be greeted with an empty room. My shoulders fall, âI guess thatâs goodbye.â I mumble, trying my best to hold myself together. Locking the door before falling onto my bed.
Part 2?
#after#afterwecollided#afterwefell#aftereverhappy#before#afterfanfiction#afterwecollidedfanfiction#afterwefellfanfiction#after fanfiction#after we collided fanfiction#after we fell fanfiction#aftereverhappyfanfiction#after ever happy fanfiction#beforefanfiction#before fanfiction#after au#after fanfic#after we collided fanfic#after we fell fanfic#after ever happy fanfic#after imagine#after we collided imagine#after we fell imagine#after ever happy imagine#before imagine#hardin scott#hardin scott fanfiction#hardin scott imagine#hardin scott au#hardin scott gif
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Thanks for your thoughts. Nope, I don't have another problem with the psa. It's the subtle word choice pretty much, but nothing else. I don't mind if people use me as a meme farm, so when I see psas like that or comments like that, I get upset because I associate it with people who make other blanket assumptions about all rpers, I have it linked in my head with people going around saying "rp is a hobby not a jobby" and making other assumptions about how all rpers do their thing.
Thank you for answering those questions!
The assumptive quality of the RPC can seriously be annoying as hell, especially if you're in the minority on any particular issue. When that's the case, the PSAs are so rarely geared toward you and any issues you might be experiencing that it's legitimately upsetting. I absolutely feel you on that!
I mean, obviously. Obviously lol I do. It couldn't be much clearer that I have a serious issue with the constant bombardment of PSAs insisting that we normalize shitty behaviors that are the damn norm, that we're all just losers RPing on tumblr so no one should be anxious about anything ever (instead of, you know, maybe trying to legitimately boost people's confidence, radical thought), or that anything that isn't being hostile to oneself is being hostile to everyone else.
I think the issue is that, while there is obviously a majority set of takes/issues/experiences (though, those, too, absolutely can skew toward one's particular RP corner and style), there's no way to address every instance and variable of an issue. Particularly not when anything other one paragraph is too lengthy for a lot of people here to engage with in a meaningful way.
So, I know I have to frequently ask, "is this a legitimate or hostile sort of blank-statement, or is it just addressing the majority experience? If it's the latter, is it genuinely enough of a problem to address?"
Like, did they mean that this is an experience most RPers have, or did they mean this is the only experience/is the correct and only way to do things? And that's not always answerable, of course, but when I feel like it is, it's usually found on OP's blog and RPC itself.
If OP has expressed things that are not the majority experience, expressed that they do not agree with blanket-statements, and doesn't imply with every rule, PSA, point on the DNI, and so on that to approach and proceed with RP in a way they do not is to commit some manner of terrible IRL crime? It's almost certainly that they were just expressing a majority experience and nothing more.
And in this case, yeah, as I'm sure you've noticed from being on the opposite side of this, it is the majority experience. I don't recall ever seeing very many RPers who do not espouse having an issue with having their memes and aesthetics reblogged without some manner of (rules specified if they're not a dick) interaction/relationship with the other mun. (Such as "mutuals are okay to reblog" or "I expect reblog karma and practice it.")
I don't know if there has been an influx of newer RPers or those who have migrated from more relaxed areas of the RPC, but recently, there really has been an increase in at least my corners of muns being used as resource blogs when they do not wish to be. They've all expressed in their rules their particular boundaries for that, have made overall posts politely but firmly asking that people who do not write with them and haven't even read their rules not do this, and have gone directly to the worst offenders to ask them to stop. And it continues to happen. So, I imagine that is why you might be seeing an influx of PSAs about the matter in response.
For anyone watching this conversation that might not understand why some muns are so against this, some reasons are:
clogging up their notifications
the aesthetic was their picture, edit, quote, etc. and not meant to be shared off their blog/only by the partner(s) tagged in it
when you reblog from someone, their URL is obviously attached, spreading them to another dash full of people - they might like you, but not want some of your mutuals following to their blog
their muse doesn't get much interaction, but other muns keep reblogging memes/aesthetics from them when they won't write with them or send anything in
they feel used for the above reason or any variety of other reasons
I'm really sure you know that, Anon, but I think it's important that we all understand where we're coming from because there are so many different preferences and experiences. It's really not good enough to just feel like everyone can do whatever they want, so long as it isn't harassing anyone else/they're being respectful of others. Because can feel that way all we want to while still getting upset when we lack the understanding of preferences that are extremely different, or even in opposition to our own.
We can't effectively respect each other without that sort of understanding of even the things that annoy us, you know? So, I try to promote that understanding and explain things for people who might simply see this on their dash.
Like the "hobby not jobby" thing! I don't get that, I think it has some concerning IRL connotations people are not recognizing, and it's a great way to treat other muns like shit while justifying the behavior. It's in opposition to what I do not because it exists, but rather, because it is weaponized in order to excuse bad behavior and vilify muns who do not engage with the hobby in this way. It doesn't have to exist in hostile opposition to how I enjoy RP, the use of it has made it this way, is what I'm saying.
But I understand where it came from and what it means for the more rational, adult muns here who feel this way. To them, it's just that this is an ultra casual hobby. The way I engage with RP is like a full contact sport lol it requires a lot of effort and engagement, and the effort and engagement is fun. They way they engage with RP is an act of disengaging, it is more like what watching TV is for me - they're just here for some light, quick entertainment.
Understanding this difference is understanding that not everyone who feels so casually about RP is a jackass insisting that everyone else better feel the same way, that their way is the only correct and good way. I'm still not interested in writing with them, it's far too different for that to work out, but it allows for delineating who is enjoyable on my dash/OOC that is into casual RP and who needs to stay behind a block somewhere because they think anyone who has RP as a primary hobby is trying to ruin it for them somehow, attacking them by existing, and the following list of terrible things as a person.
I think that all problems in the RPC could be drastically mitigated by a combination of understanding and mutual respect. People who are alright with others treating them like a meme resource absolutely can and should interact with people who don't feel that way without a problem, for example - all that takes is being aware of your mutual's rules and respecting them.
Damn near 100% of the PSAs out there honestly should not ever have to exist, they come down to the same factors of just exercising some easy respect for each other.
Again, the trouble often comes in at those very differing factors we need to be mindful of. When we feel like the weird one out in the RPC constantly, whether something is actually othering us or not, it starts to feel like it is. We start finding reasons and evidence, and much of the time, at least among those whose first inclination isn't to label OP as various terrible shit as a person, that takes the form of "not everyone."
Well, of course, not everyone! But unfortunately, when we are of the minority opinion/experience, we sometimes have to just realize that very thing. It isn't personal, and that while someone has caused issues coming from this side with that difference, we are not for our mutuals, so this isn't about us. We're actually doing the thing the PSA is speaking of by not pushing our preferences on others. If that PSA is just speaking from a place of the majority experience and nothing more, we're just annoyed with it for that reason and nothing else when it comes right down to it. We're just kind of sick of being in the minority opinion on this issue, and now are geared to feel like we're being hounded by most PSAs.
It's not an easy thing to get over or work with, it's not even something that gets to be faultless, but it definitely makes the experience less irritating when we can get to a point of stepping back and analyzing the situation without those emotions intensely in play. Seriously, if I allowed the issues I have with most PSAs out there to be evident by reblogging them with refutations or anger? That's all I'd spend my time doing, that'd be my hobby and not actual RP...and I'd absolutely be the most hated and blocked mun on tumblr in short order no matter how valid my points were. (And, I think, with good reason, I really do not support reblogging that sort of thing with negative commentary.)
What helps? Make your own positive PSA about your experience! Make one of those "reblog if" posts, I have never seen one that says "reblog if...you are alright with your mutuals reblogging memes and aesthetics from you without reblog karma."
I'm being dead serious, I encourage you to do that! It's great when you're of the minority opinion and do something like that because you can literally see not only that you're not alone at all but also that it's made other people feel seen. If you do that, let me know, I'll reblog it, even.
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Theme Ramblings - On Evil, Honesty, Violence, and Better Ways to Rule Number Two (Local Windbag Spends All Night Pontificating Again)
I really like Trollhunters and Tales of Arcadia. I feel like it addresses important themes that I also want to address in my own writing, and I feel like that is part of what makes it an awesome world and story to explore, through the original stories, and through fanfiction. I find exploring ideas within an already established world is very helpful and therapeutic. So here are my current thoughts on some of those themes, which have also been informed by various other stories. Narrative is one of the ways through which we process the world. And one of my goals is to learn how to do that with clarity, practicality, and compassion. So hereâs a bit of what I think Iâve learned so far.
Warnings: Talking about violence, with pain and trauma. Stay safe. Also, spoilers for Tales of Arcadia - Wizards, and for the film You Were Never Really Here.
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âEvilâ is not a word that holds a lot of weight with me, at least not the way I feel itâs commonly used, especially in stories. Some bully without any redeeming qualities beating someone up for a power trip is a common motif, but I donât find it a compelling or useful model of how or why some people act shitty, or how to possibly fix it nonviolently. As something of a determinist, I donât believe our decisions just pop out of a vacuum - rather, that they are informed by our experiences, which we react to in healthy or unhealthy ways depending on what we think we understand and what we want to protect.
Or at least I think thatâs a nice idea, but I donât know how practical it actually is. For instance, maybe there are actual people who are just idiots, cowards, or cruel and nothing more, and interacting with them in a good-faith manner is an entirely hopeless waste of our limited time - especially when those mofos are actively threatening people. âTheyâre complex people, too!â seems kind of irrelevant when theyâre calling for killing those who disagree with them, for example.
Maybe Iâm having trouble with this idea because I havenât actually recognized such mind-numbing simplistic malice in anyone directly involved in my life. Iâm starting to think I might be spoiled that way.
I also want to emphasize that Iâm not even remotely claiming âEveryone is right in their own waysâ. Some mofos out there are objectively incorrect. Iâm currently convinced that we all think weâre right, but not that we all are. Or that even when we realize weâre wronging someone, we tend to spin narratives that twist the situation to make ourselves look better, or even like weâre âThe Real Victims! D:â to justify and excuse something we may otherwise deem tragic.
What horrifies me (what Iâve witnessed) is when harm is done by people who think theyâre doing the right thing, or that theyâre justified, or that itâs normal. People who otherwise have potential to do good, making a selfish call out of fear, anger, apathy, a misplaced sense of righteousness, or even just a desperate and ill-advised attempt to feel seen or important. The âevilâ that scares me most is a loss of perspective that leads to (and justifies or excuses) tragedy. That loss of perspective, I also think, is a key part of what makes propaganda possible. Calling someone âevilâ is often intended to deface them and simplify them into a problem or obstacle to be rid of - no longer a complex individual, but a symbol of all that is wrong with the world - a bully or âmonsterâ without redeeming qualities. (Often represented as something âsubhumanâ that we supposedly donât have to feel bad about killing.) An external threat to vanquish in favor of facing whatever horrible truth weâre running from, or what conditions led to people acting in these harmful, tragic ways. (And if we can understand those conditions, perhaps we can guard against them and hopefully even save some lives and change them for the better?) I think calling someone âevilâ is not only impractical (and useless when it comes to diagnosing why someone is behaving a certain way, or how to effectively either help them grow up or maybe at least help prevent them from causing more harm), I think it opens the door for otherwise good people to do horrific things, all the while avoiding the root of the problem, and calling themselves justified and heroic.
Thatâs part of why Iâm so excited about Wizards. (Finally got to ToA!) I appreciated Arthur as an example of whatâs familiar to me, and the kinds of thinking I want us to learn to recognize and avoid. His grief was relatable - weâve all lost someone, and we all have people we want to protect. But itâs monumentally important that we donât commit Arthurâs tragedy, and take our pain out on others. And itâs also important that we donât dismiss the pain that others are struggling to cope with, as Arthur dismissed Morganaâs and the trollsâ when he called them evil. And part of why I genuinely like Arthur as a character (not just an antagonist) was that he came around and admitted that he was wrong, and wanted to repair the damage he did.
At least until his Green Knight chapter, the motivations of which Iâm still unsure of. Iâm not the sharpest crayon in the shed, but it seemed like a non sequitur to me... after a certain point. If you have some insight into whatâs going on with him, Iâm all ears. Iâm a little worried I might just be projecting my issues again.
So far, hereâs what I think I can glean: I relate to the lines âHow can I be at peace when the world is still broken?â and âHe awoke to a legacy of a violent and awful world.â I donât want to get into the specifics of my own experiences, but I understand the horror of âwaking upâ to a horrifying reality, and the motivation to try to change it somehow. The all-consuming restlessness of it, and the inability to escape or reconcile it, and the constant, never-ending tension that slowly rips you apart and isolates you from everyone and poisons your faith in humanity because youâve looked into the abyss so long you now recognize that itâs where youâve lived all along. Because no matter what kind of new equilibrium you scramble for, the truth remains that terrible, unnecessary harm is being done, and will continue to be done (and justified and excused and even laughed at) by otherwise good people until we all die out - and that will be our legacy even as we continue to squawk empty platitudes about how intelligent and compassionate and special we are, and nothing makes any of that okay.
In my worst, most melodramatic moments, I even understand the âLet it all burn, if it canât be savedâ mentality. But I donât have a lot of patience for defeatism, so itâs not a mentality I can take seriously for long at all, and thatâs where my understanding (if I may be so pretentious?) of the Green Knight stops. Because I know there are many others who have seen what Iâve seen and feel the same way I do, and believe that a better way is possible, however distant, and who have done loads more than I have to change it. And (perhaps more importantly) I know that even those who perpetuate some of the same harms I want to stop, and even crack jokes about it, are still good people who mean well, and have their own pains to cope with.
What I want is for us (and our heroes) to recognize when we are being dishonest or unfair, and to call ourselves out, even when itâs inconvenient (or when it feels impossible, like when weâre scared, angry, or hurt). I love and admire people who can face their feelings and uncertainties honestly, and I want to be like them, because I believe thatâs the most important, constructive kind of courage there is, itâs part of growing into a stronger, kinder person, and this stupid world needs a lot more of that in it.
And I think the whole topic of Evil is connected to our fascination with violence, and those who are skilled at it. (Though Iâm not here to say âViolence Badâ. I know itâs not that simple.) In some situations, no other method has a chance of saving you or those you want to protect, and if you find yourself in such a situation, it pays to be good at violence, and to have friends who are, too. The stakes are high, so it makes for great drama, and is prevalent in stories all over the world. This also makes it a rather dramatic delivery system for Justice - or the Retributive version, anyway. Retribution is visceral, and easily understood, and speaks to our instincts of promoting and preserving status (teaching others not to screw us over or Theyâll Pay), and discouraging harmful behaviors by harming the perpetrators...
I consider myself a rehabilitationist. But I understand the draw of retribution. I really do. The vast majority of my intrusive thoughts revolve around it, in particularly violent manners. Itâs not fun, and it doesnât feel powerful, and it feels weird to me to see stories that portray it as powerful, rather than as a failure or a loss. I understand the emotional desire to punish someone who has hurt an innocent. But I also understand it to a degree that transcends its original feelings of righteousness, takes itself to eyebrow-raising extremes, and makes me sick. Retribution has been glorified all throughout our history, and it scratches a primal itch, and yes, sometimes it may be the only available answer in order to prevent further harm. (Rehabilitation requires far more resources than Retribution, often making it impractical or overly risky in contexts of scarcity. I think thatâs a huge factor in why ideals like Law, Justice, and Decency break down in a lot of Post-Apocalyptic story environments. Itâs not just that our sense of Order has collapsed, itâs that we no longer have the infrastructure to support the ideals that Order was established to protect - though I would Not say that our current âjusticeâ system in the US is rehabilitative or even ethical, but thatâs a whole other rant.) But beyond that, I donât believe Retribution is practical or productive. I believe itâs tragically ironic, loses sight of context and systemic issues, lends false-credence to the idea that people are the way they are due to innate, immutable qualities rather than taking their environment and experiences into account, and as a result, opens the door for good people to, again, do and justify horrific things.
Itâs a hard, brutal film to watch, but I recommend You Were Never Really Here. The violence in this film feels far more real than the violence Iâve seen in any other because they donât dress it up, or make it flashy. Itâs more like something youâd see in a hidden-camera documentary. And their honest treatment of it was a visceral reminder of what violence actually is.
It puts a gut-wrenching twist on the ârevenge fantasyâ and what it actually means to watch someone suffer and die. Even someone who had it coming. Thereâs a painful empathy to this film in its treatment of the characters and all the rituals (harmful or not) they use to cope with the violence they in turn have suffered. And the climax of the film centers on the awful realization that, despite his efforts, the protagonist was unable to protect someone from violence, or having to inflict violence of her own - like him, sheâs marked by it now, too. She absolutely did it in self-defense, but the fact that she had to do it is still tragic. She has to live and cope with it now, as he does. And in the final scene, thereâs this hellish sense of separation between them as they are, and the comparatively bright, happy lives they might have lived if they had not had to go through such horrific experiences. Itâs unstated, but thereâs this intense feeling that theyâre haunted. Like they can be near that bright, happy life, but never cross the veil to reach it, themselves. The film ends with the girl deciding to try and find some happiness anyway. (âItâs a beautiful day.â) Itâs not a happy ending, but itâs a hopeful one. Itâs not a Good Triumphs Over Evil story. Itâs a painful confrontation with an awful reality, and the struggle to find a way to carry on somehow.
And that resonates. Because we all know to some degree or other what itâs like to confront something awful, something we canât just deny or forget or reconcile, and to try to find some way to cope with it. That tension can be so painful that itâs understandable (but still not excusable) why people sometimes try to pin it all on a scapegoat - so they can take something insurmountable, and turn it into something they can fight and triumph over. Itâs a form of processing our grief, but itâs unfair, dishonest, and harmful, and inflicts more grief on others.
Anyway, in this fanfic Iâve been puttering around on (and trying to explore these themes through), Jim tries to solve things non-violently (as he often tried to do in the show, which I really like). Someday/night, he might not have the option, or canât see any other way out. He knows that he (or someone else) is being seen as an outlet for someoneâs frustrations - theyâre using him as a symbol to project their own problems and issues on - something external they can beat up and triumph over in place of something intangible.
If heâs going to fight this outlook, I think he has to understand it - on more than a theoretical level. He has to go there himself. Maybe he punches Steve after all. (Maybe in the 2nd draft - or maybe later in the current iteration.) And he hates it. Heâs changed forever, but not the way he expected to be. He feels capable, and righteous, and he doesnât regret standing up for Eli or himself, but he doesnât feel good. Because even if itâs easier to just dismiss Steve as a bully, and even if it occurs to Jim to do that - and even if he can feel it viscerally for a moment, Jim isnât going to lie to himself. He can still see what Steve is, past his own anger. Steve is lashing out because he feels wronged and powerless, and heâs acting like his dad because thatâs who made him feel that way, and thatâs who showed him how to deal with those same feelings. Steve is a kid trying to process what heâs been through. Itâs easy to forget that when Steve is trying to beat Jim down - when Draal has been trying to beat him down, too - and heâs had enough of all these angry people twisting their ideas of him in their heads and taking their anger out on him. He fought back because he couldnât see any other option for handling it, and Steve was not willing to give him one. But from this, Jim knows how it feels to be demonized (seen as a manifestation of someoneâs problems, some enemy to vanquish). And it becomes monumentally important to him never to succumb to that way of thinking, himself.
Heâs not a crusader. If he has to fight and hurt or kill someone, itâs not because he thinks theyâre a manifestation of evil. Itâs because he does not see any recourse in stopping them from hurting or killing others. To him, violence is a tragedy meant to prevent another tragedy. And whether that justifies it or not is a question he will have to carry.
A lot of the combat we see in media, I would classify as âactionâ, and not violence. The vast majority of the time, itâs a choreographed dance thatâs fun to watch, full of cool stunts that look like theyâd be fun to do. Itâs more like competitive eye-candy than anything else.
Itâs fun, and I like the idea of writing that, but only in the context of sparring, or play. I donât even want to call those âfightsâ or make a distinction between those and a âreal fightâ, because fighting is violence, and I hope to write about violence as honestly as I can. Thatâs part of what I like and admire about a lot of Guillermo del Toroâs other works, too. Itâs not a dance, and itâs not glorious*. Itâs ugly, terrifying, and it hurts to watch, and it makes us worry for his characters all the more, because it forces us to acknowledge how vulnerable they really are.
*Or, glory as itâs often treated, I think. If there really is any glory to be had in real violence, I think itâs in the willingness to act in a crisis to protect others. Terror is notoriously paralyzing, so this is where the value of training comes in - as a kind of autopilot mode to fall back on, and suppress our panic in the moment. The emotional fallout and trembling will come after the crisis has passed, but in an emergency, not knowing what to do, and feeling helpless, can be one of the most devastating weapons against us.
Sparring and training can be a fun and exhilarating test of skill, where no one intends to maim or kill you. Itâs completely different from fighting. In a fight, the goal is not to learn or grow or compete, the goal is to either kill someone, or hurt them so badly that they canât try to hurt you (or anyone else) anymore (or enough to give you time to get away). Itâs very stressful and often traumatizing. One wrong move will have lasting consequences, if youâre lucky enough to survive to put up with them. Even if you win, odds are, youâre going to get hurt - maybe permanently. Itâs the visceral understanding that someone has decided to disassemble you, and the only way to stop them is to disassemble them first. Itâs an ugly reminder of the components of our bodies, and how fragile they really are.
âThere are better ways to finish a fight than punching someone in the face.â
I agree with this - there are better methods of conflict resolution, and we must use them. And I really like how Jim carried this forward in sparing Chompsky and Draal. But I also felt like Claire fundamentally failed to understand what she had witnessed (and maybe Iâm the one who misunderstood). I just didnât appreciate what I felt was a lecture from someone who didnât get it. Not that Iâd wish for her to get it - itâs a horrible position to be in. When someone is actively trying to hurt you, itâs hard as hell to remember those better ways, and thereâs no guarantee that they would work - at this point, you have to get the attacker to stop quickly. Steve resisted all other attempts to defuse the situation, and I donât think itâs fair to blame someone for fighting back.
âA hero is not he who is fearless, but he who is not stopped by it.â
But Iâm also not going to put down someone who still seeks to defuse a situation, even despite the risks. Thatâs a huge gamble, and it requires a massive amount of courage and good faith in the other party, and it wonât always pay off. But when it works, I believe it can open up possibilities that might not otherwise exist, because to demonstrate good faith in someone is to demonstrate that you are Not The Enemy. I think Douxie demonstrated this marvelously with the Lady of the Lake in Wizards. He gave up the most powerful weapon he had - or what was left of it - to free Nimue rather than fight her when it looked like she was about to End everybody. Once he realized the truth of her situation, he took action to alleviate it - because he wasnât going to beat up a prisoner, and he did not consider her imprisonment acceptable in the first place.
Jim is not a pacifist, in Trollhunters canon, or in the AU idea Iâve been messing with. He will fight to stop others from killing, and he might end up having to kill in the process if all other attempts fail. But (at least in this AU thing) he will see it as a tragic failure to bridge a gap. He refuses to succumb to the way of thinking that presents his opponents as evil, even if that would make it simpler for him to process their horrific actions. Theyâre living, complex beings, not symbols of everything wrong with the world. And often, the reason theyâre trying to hurt others to begin with is because they have succumbed to that âseeing their opponents as evilâ way of thinking, themselves. As Jim sees it in Building Bridges, that Lie is everyoneâs greatest enemy. Itâs part of what allows otherwise good people (like Arthur and Morgana) to do, justify, and condone horrific things.
He will fight if he must, but he will do his best to reach others first, to show them the truth, and try to find a way to effectively address whatever underlying pain is causing them to lash out. If Maria Edgeworth has a point about how âThe human heart opens only to the heart that opens in return,â Jim will transcend âhumanâ by taking the risk of opening his heart first (whether or not he also becomes a half-troll in this AU idea). I currently think thatâs the most profound way to prove that âevilâ view wrong.
This is not to say that he will do so incautiously. Jim takes his role as a protector seriously, and he will do what he must in service to that. But he sees potential in others, and values it. Heâs not a saint, but he strives to be understanding and compassionate. And thatâs damn hard work. It takes effort to be good, and to see the good in others, especially when youâre hurting.
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10 things finishing my 10th book taught me
Hey People of Earth!
(I cannot believe I typed the title of this post!)
Today, Iâm going to be sharing 10 things finishing my 10th book taught me, which means--as of 2:30 this morning, I have finished writing my tenth novel, aka MOTH WORK. Iâve written posts like this for my 7th, 8th, and 9th novels as well!
Enjoy this note no one asked me to write but that I wrote because I was sad:Â
I introduced this project on this blog back in June, but actually started it in the notes app of my iPhone (iconic) sometime in January of 2019. At this time, my mental health was *lackin* as I was stressed and in my final months of high school. I needed something to cheer me up, and so Moth Work became a place where I could dump my âbad writingâ and also have fun. For more context, you can read more about Moth Work in my various writing updates HERE.Â
I didnât intend for this project to become a novel, but thought Iâd write it as a longer âfor funâ story (prospective word count was 5k words). I chipped away at it for a few months, but didnât really start picking it up as a serious project until around May/June. It was only once summer vacation hit that I, under the advice of my therapist to have a âreach goalâ for the summer, decided to say fuck it!! I shall write this as a novel (prospective word count now 50k words). This novel has seen me graduate high school + almost finish my first year of university, and Iâm so excited to share all the wonderful things I learned while writing it!
1. It is totally okay to take your âguilty pleasuresâ seriously.Â
I was in a mega dilemma writing this book. Iâd wrapped up writing my ninth novel just after starting this project, and felt a need to write something that was more âseriousâ. Though Iâm an advocate for writing what you want, when you want, even I struggled not to feel like I was wasting my time writing a project that didnât have very much literary/craft merit (in my eyes, this changed eventually).Â
I am here to tell you--do NOT let anyone, including yourself, shame you out of writing what you like. Allow yourself to let loose and write âbadâ things, and remember you donât have to feel guilty/ashamed for writing stuff that seems âjuvenileâ or âbadâ.
2. Processes change--embrace this.
I took about 4000 different approaches writing this book, and though I really wanted to stick to one (outlining, pantsing), eventually, I let my process be what it wanted to be. For example, I am a pantser and began this novel pantsing. Very quickly, I realized I needed an outline because I could not keep track of events (this book begins very plot-oriented). But, pre-determining events that would happen eventually stopped working as I began feeling constrained, and so I settled for outlining as I went so I could keep track of plot points.Â
I outlined 10 of the 15 chapters like this before I sort of... stopped doing this (though I will go back and fill it in just for future reference)! I went back to full-blown pantsing in the last four or so chapters, as what Iâd planned would NOT pan out--and I think itâs so important to let your process be what it wants to be. Sometimes this book needed some planning--sometimes it really didnât. This flexibility has really allowed me to be in touch with my projects more, and really listen to them/understand what it is they need.Â
3. Sometimes plans change. Donât be afraid to follow your gut.
I did not plan for Moth Work to be a novel. But as the project developed, so did its final form. My gut was telling me what I needed to do (continue writing), and another example of this is when I sporadically made this a dual point of view book! Iâve never written a full-length dual POV manuscript, and havenât written dual POV since I was 12, but I didnât let that stop me from doing what I knew in my gut, was what the book needed.Â
I want to emphasize here--sometimes the vision you imagine changes. Allow this change to happen if you feel itâs right, even if itâs scary. I feel Iâve grown a lot as a writer by just allowing this of myself! Itâs easy to beat yourself up for not following your plan, and I did this a lot. Understanding that sometimes plans turn into other plans turn into other plans etc, is the most freeing thing you can do for your writing!
4. Write what makes you happy!
This project began as a means to increase my serotonin lmaooo and I think sometimes as writers, we forget that yes, art is hard, but writing what you like can make that difficulty just a little more tolerable. This book started toiling toward disaster mode for a few chapters in the middle, and I really was not happy writing it. You can feel the difference in the chapters when I felt comfortable writing, versus when I struggled because I felt I âhad toâ. And so I took a step back and re-evaluated. Since this was not working/not making me happy, what would? This question solved my problems (not easily, but lead me on the right path). The artist! does not! have to! suffer!Â
Sometimes problems occur, and critically thinking through them is vital. Iâm not saying just to do whatever every time something doesn't work because this isnât a shortcut. However, my point is not to be afraid to change things up and write what will make you happier and help you finish the book if you feel thatâs what you need. I wanted to write a cheesy romance about two boys who both need to chill, and so though I couldâve written something else, I wrote this because it genuinely made me happier! And I love that about this book!
5. Things can take longer than you expect. Youâre not a bad writer because of this.
Y��ALL. I wanted to write 50k words of this book over one summer. One month! One! Month! Lots of folks can do this, but I did not! In fact, I hit 50k this month, which is half a year after I projected.Â
I think a lot of us constitute speed to being a good writer, and while speed and being a good writer can coexist, speed is not necessarily a determining factor in whether you can write or not! This book took me just over a year from when I started it (nine months from when I took it on as a full-time project), and while sure, I couldâve written it faster, I let it develop as it needed, and wrote it when I felt I could. I am not a professional writer with deadlines (thatâs different)! While you gotta put in the time to improve, I think you also gotta look out for yourself! Use your gut, and take your time if thatâs what you need!
6. Craft and play can coexist.
This took me so long to grasp, and I still struggle with this today! Craft and play can coexist. Say it with me yâall: craft and play can coexist!!
My manifesto for Moth Work initially was to have it be my dumping ground for shitty writing. While this took the pressure off initially, I then felt like I was regressing in my craft (which was untrue, I just didnât realize it at the time). So, I decided to begin taking the craft aspect of this book very seriously, trying to write polished, delicious prose (every! time!) and the fact of the matter is that often, this did not happen.Â
I beat myself up over this! I was like: Rachel, 16-year-old you was pumping out better prose than this, whatâs up? And I put so much pressure on myself to perfect the writing, even though this was only ever meant to be a âfor funsiesâ project. Eventually, I came to understand that, okay, I really do want this to be a for funsies project, but I also want to enjoy re-reading it and not criticizing every aspect of it. I then began incorporating a few passes of line edits after drafting a chapter, until eventually, I stopped circling back to chapters to line-edit them altogether. You donât have to be perfect on the first draft!
You also donât have to sacrifice craft to have fun, just as the opposite is true. This book taught me a lot about finding this balance, something Iâve lacked in my writing process for years!
7. Your writing styles can differ from book-to book!
I couldnât understand why my prose in this book felt âthinâ (aka awful in my eyes), why the only thing I felt capable of describing was literally everything shining in some sort of way (glinting, glimmering, glowing lool) or overzealous descriptions of the moon. It was only about a month ago that I realized, after making a breakthrough with my litfic novel Houses With Teeth, that Moth Work was not sucking the life out of my prose--it was just a different book with a different style of writing.
And this makes sense! I was writing with two different characters, in two different perspectives, in a completely different POV than Iâm used to writing in the long-form (third-present). Of course things were going to be different! I felt a bit silly realizing this, lol, because it felt so obvious, but I struggled with this for a long time (you can even see bits of this struggle in my video Problems Iâm having with writing + solutions).Â
I thought I had regressed to being a bad writer because of this book, when in reality, the fault was on my inability to stop comparing a very different book to my very different past works. Sometimes you donât even realize youâre working against yourself! Acknowledging this, and then letting it go was the best thing I did for this book and it allowed me to draft it much faster toward the end!
8. Writing is NOT linear.
I spoke about this in my Problems video, and I honestly was nervous to see how this hot take would be received. However, I was surprised to see that some folks thought this hot take was actually not a bad one, so Iâm re-iterating it here!
I think, because we writers are often always practicing writing, we assume everything we write will be better than the last. Honestly, I feel like at least for me, this was my goal--to always be working linearly in terms of progress. It wasnât until this book that I really came to realize that this is just not how writing works. The easiest way for me to compare this, also as a visual artist, is to say that sure, practice does make perfect, but I have sketches from last week that are worse than sketches I drew two years ago. Why is it that we expect writing to always be linearly better from one project to the next? My answer is that this is just not how writing works. I wrote some of my favourite paragraphs years ago, and may be embarrassed of a paragraph I write tomorrow.Â
I got caught up in this idealism of âI must be writing better each time I writeâ because I thought this was the most logical progression of my writing craft, but realizing that actually!! progress jumps around, was so important for me. Some days Iâm better at writing description, some days I write dialogue worse than I did when I was fourteen! Itâs okay not to always be uphill.Â
Yâall, if I step down a wrung on a ladder and then step up four the very next day, thatâs how itâs going to be! Practice intrinsically will make you grow as a writer, but it doesn't mean everything you write has to be better than what you wrote before (though this can be the case, which is awesome). I feel like I donât see this spoken about enough, so I do want to know if this is relevant to any of you or if this point is bologna!!!
9. The story wants what it wants.
This is heavily in line with some previous points, but is something that was driven home for me while writing this novel. If I can give one piece of advice, it would be to let the story be what it wants to be. If my story wants to be a YA fantasy trilogy, but Iâm trying to force it to be a standalone pretentious character-driven coming-of-age saga (calling myself out), my writing may suffer! Of course, some writers can take control over their story and execute their initial vision perfectly! I am not! one of those! people!
Iâm a firm believer that sometimes the story wants what it wants, and itâs often your best bet to follow this path. Write intuitively--if you know something feels wrong, or contrarily, feels right, follow that path.Â
I did not know how to end this book. Iâd had an ending planned for a few months, though it eventually fell apart in the last few weeks. I didnât know what I would do instead, but last night when I was drafting the last two chapters of the book, I felt in my gut that I was heading to the end. I wanted to stop writing for the night--I almost did, but instead, I kept at it because I knew I was on a roll toward the finish line, and I felt compelled to follow my instinct. This is how I landed at the end I wrote in, and it was a completely organic process.
Planning out your story is a great thing to do, and Iâm not here to start a debate about whether plotting/pantsing is better because theyâre both amazing!! But for me, itâs important to let the story breathe, and let it eventually grow into the shoes it chooses for itself. Taking a step back so I could stop trying to mould this story into a place it didn't want to be is probably the best thing I couldâve done for it because I finished the book. Any process is a good process if it gets you to the end healthily, and for me, allowing the story to be what it wanted to be and allowing it to take the lead helped me get there.
10. Itâs okay to love your story.
Iâm going to end this post on another hot take because it is probably what I primarily felt early this morning as I typed up the last paragraph of this book. Iâm not going to lie--I cried finishing this book lol. I ached finishing this book. It *hurt* to finish this book. I didnât want to finish this book. What I wanted to do was shut my computer, and pretend the end was not coming, and come back four months from now to finish it, maybe. I wanted to hang onto my story because itâs my story and I love it!
Yâall, this book is cringey. Itâs melodramatic, juvenile in some places, comically serious in others. But itâs mine, and I love it. Sometimes Iâm ashamed of the writing in this book--sometimes I think Iâm getting worse. But itâs my story, and I love! it!Â
I think so many of us want to please other people! Or maybe thatâs just me lol!! oh boy!! There were so many times I wanted to give up on this project because I thought others would find it cringey in places I too, thought were cringey, but simultaneously loved.
Iâve written for other people a lot in the past, and sometimes those âother peopleâ are just me--many critical versions of me. Donât forget about how much you love a story (for its quirks maybe, its clichĂŠs, its âbad writingâ) before you finish it. A first draft only comes once and finishing a first draft is so wonderful, and even more so when you love that story. We got enough hate yâall, lets give our stories some love.Â
So thatâs it for this post! I still have five chapters to write writing updates for, so the party ainât over til itâs over!!!
For my obligatory Oscarâs speech! A special thanks to @sarahkelsiwritesââ for reading about these trash people for five years, and for enthusiastically contributing to their trash decisions (#do it for the tea)! And for reassuring me that the prose in this book is actually not as bad as I believe because I would never have finished this book without that pep talk lol. To @imdisappointedââ for helping me crack some of the toughest plot problems!! You talk me out of problems and itâs magic! And to my MOM @shaelinwritesââ (for being my mom) and also for all the kind/insightful things you say! Yâall get me through it!!!
And of course!! I thank all of YOU for following this journey of drafting Moth Work. My community on here never fails to amaze me, and Iâm a big stan of you all!! Please tag me in your stuff--Iâd love to read about what youâre writing!
Hereâs to finishing a book, but more importantly, to hoping I donât make Moth Work a series lmaoo!!! *pops confetti*
--Rachel
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Headcheese Adjacent
To know me is to know my taste in music runs the full spectrum, minus country music and death metal. And anything Mariah Carey sings. Not dissing her talent, just her. Sometimes I will succumb to disposable music. Its music thatâs popular for a little while, but then later discarded. Think the opposite of tunes like AC/DCâs âThunderstruckâ. A song that has passed the test of time. Disposable music feels overly processed and is ultimately not good for you, but acceptable in small doses.
For example: Mariah Carey is like microwave popcorn. Thereâs nothing wrong with popcorn and thereâs nothing wrong with microwaving food. The problem is the bag itself. Perfluoroalkyls are just one class of chemical found in microwave popcorn bags. Some studies have linked perfluoroalkyls with health problems as diverse as impaired kidney function and poor semen quality. Mariah Carey is the bag.
Ok, I really just wanted to find a way to compare Mariah Carey to a bag of microwave popcorn.
I will just assume you understand what I mean when I say disposable music.
Britney Spears. Not sure how this is going to sound, but I was never a fan of hers UNTIL she shaved her head and attacked people with an umbrella. Iâm also a fan of when mistreated elephants in captivity snap and trample their oppressors. Something about a caged animal finally fighting back⌠really resonates with me. Iâm sure one day my future therapist will have a blast unpacking that last sentence, but until then letâs focus.
I recently watched the documentary âFraming Britney Spearsâ. Here is a quick synopsis from IMDB:
âHer rise was a global phenomenon. Her downfall was a cruel national sport. People close to Britney Spears and lawyers tied to her conservatorship now reassess her career as she battles her father in court over who should control her life.â
Iâm not going to talk about the documentary too much, but it appropriately chronicles her rise to fame and gives you an idea of what happens to these young performers when they become held captive by the very thing and the very people who made them famous in the first place. I found parts of it almost⌠sad and other parts suffocating. If youâre able to find it, give it a watch. Some of the people who have dedicated a great deal of their time to this âFree Britneyâ movement are obnoxious, but their intentions donât feel misplaced. Britney Spears had nothing to do with documentary but has acknowledged it and approved.
Now, I know some people take the stance of â âOh poor you, youâre famous with lots of money and adoring fans and if you choose that life you deserve no privacy and no sympathy when people pester you for pictures and autographs. That is life in the public eyeâ. Well, I somewhat disagree. And I disagree because whether it be acting or singing or whatever, itâs only a J-O-B.
Imagine youâre an accountant and suddenly it becomes the least boring profession in the world. Every time you leave your house there are throngs of people scurrying to catch a glimpse of you in all your glory while youâre just going to the pharmacy to get that rash cream prescription refilled. Not only that, they get up in your face⌠crowding you, snapping 100âs of photos at close range hoping to get a cringe worthy picture to sell to the tabloids, pulling at your sweater vest and screaming âdo me and then do my taxes!â. Doesnât that sound awesome?
I donât believe anyone is sitting at home at this very moment and wishing they had the life of Britney Spears.
One of the best moments in that documentary (and something I didnât even know had happened because I donât pay much attention to her career) is when she was supposed to announce her next residency in Vegas. It was a live streaming event in Vegas with loads of crazed people in attendance where she was to come out, perform a little on stage and then talk. Â She came out. Walked down the steps to the stage and kept walking. She walked right past everyone without a word and disappeared. People were pissed. I laughed and cheered.
She then made a post stating that until her Father was removed as her conservator, she would no longer be working in any capacity. Full stop. A total walkout and strike.
If youâre not familiar with the situation with her Dad⌠the long and the short of it is â when her mental health became compromised due to MANY factors, he took over control of her life. Her career, her money⌠everything. And at that time, it was seriously the best thing for her. But now at 38 with two teenage sons, she wants her freedom. Her Father is insisting that he continues to manage her life because she is not capable of making healthy decisions for herself and fears the vultures are always waiting to pounce and take advantage of his daughter.
Honestly, I donât have an opinion regarding her conservatorship. None of us should. We can sympathize / empathize but we donât have any actual idea of what is really taking place behind closed doors. As a fellow human being just trying to make it to the end of toilet roll with all my marbles intact, I hope she is ok.
Does the world owe Britney an apology?
This question came to me after watching the documentary and hearing about how Justin Timberlake was called out to say sorry to her for weaponizing their break-up to his advantage; as well as Diane Sawyer and a number of others for their various questions, comments and jokes theyâve made at her expense over the years.
Funny thing about apologies⌠sometimes they donât mean shit. Sometimes, without appropriate action, theyâre just words people say to make themselves feel better about being instinctively terrible. Going on an apology tour for something you did a decade ago just seems inauthentic. Acknowledging your past mistakes and making concentrated efforts not to repeat poor behavior feels more appropriate. Itâs called growth. Itâs one thing to say your sorry to someone you feel youâve wronged, itâs another to be pulled out and placed on display by the media and publicly forced to reconcile previous atrocities of character. For one thing, the media is hardly the yard stick for good morals. And the public⌠well if Twitter has taught us anything, itâs that everyone needs an enema of their soul. And it wouldnât hurt if some people got their mouths washed out with soap for being callous little trolls looking for attention.
I write this to you as someone who has been both apologized to and done the apologizing. I fancy neither of these options. While it may be nice having someone tell you theyâre sorry for something they did that didnât exactly give you the feels, I struggle with the authenticity. Thatâs a me problem. I donât scoff at any delivered apologies, but rather squirm, accept and want to move forward. Iâll tell you what is better than saying sorry to me â scotch. The silent peacemaker.
I donât feel the world owes Britney Spears an apology in the same way I feel beets do NOT belong on a burger. Some will agree with me and some will argue that Iâm wrong. Look, that documentary puts into focus how terribly she was treated by a wide range of people across the globe on multiple platforms. And the bottom line is â sheâs not the first and wonât be the last. People love to see others fall and that is just the truth and people love to take cheap shots at them on the way down. Should they say sorry for being shitty humans? Nope. But they should not pretend theyâre nothing more than headcheese adjacent. No one will be saying sorry today because WE DONâT LEARN. Maybe next decade?
The first time I had a burger with beets was when I lived in Australia. I asked the waiter why they put beetroot on a burger and he replied â âI donât know⌠because it sounds good?â. Well so do apologies, but in reality, sometimes they just donât taste right in our mouths.
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Hooooo boy we are feelin some EMOTIONS today, folks.
this is not a happy post, if youâd like to skip I entirely understand, and in fact encourage doing so.
Iâve been needing to do a one of these for a lil bit because Iâve got Thoughts and Feelings and they are complicated and I canât accurately parse them in my head so weâre gonna air it out on Tumblr like a sheet on the line during laundry day.
hereâs the thing.
I got some complicated family feelings in my chest places and it fucking *sucks*.
I was kept from spending time with my family by various means over the past several years to the point where I wasnât attending holidays - which, in my family, is just not done. You can skip a holiday but you have to make it up on another occasion and I...wasnât doing that anymore. Two separate people had me convinced I was not loved by my family, that they did not care for or appreciate me like *they* could and that I was better off not being around my family.
And maybe they had some valid points. Which I hate admitting because they used a lot of âvalid pointsâ to get me to be completely isolated in life without anyone but them and any time I branched out I was, for lack of a better term, âpunishedâ for having denied them my attention or time or whatever. (this is of course not as nuanced a take on it as I would prefer but this is already going to be long without me going through the whole...everything, again. You can search the captain rambles and life post tags on my blog for more on this topic).
Anyway...so Iâm no longer with people who are actively trying to keep me from talking to other people/being around people who are supportive of my own efforts and goals, etc. And I was welcomed back into my family with open arms and that was...honestly unexpected. After everything Iâd had told to me about how they were and how they should be and what I should feel about them...I wasnât expecting them to love me.
I rode that rose-colored wave for a *while*. But as the world descends into chaos and I learn more things about myself that make me feel more like *me* than I have...possibly ever now that I try and think about it, I am seeing things that I had hoped had been exaggerated or made up by those in my life who had hurt me.
My parents raised me in a very right-wing conservative household. The evangelical style of christianity didnât come until I was already an adult but the building blocks must have been there or it wouldnât have happened so...extremely when it finally did. There were a lot of...really shitty attitudes towards other people that I didnât recognize growing up in it - I didnât recognize it until a lot later, in fact.
Theyâre...They donât see anything wrong with the way they are. Which, you know, *sucks*.Â
Thereâs going to be a lot of dismissive phrases littered throughout this because Iâm trying to be...i donât know. I do it as a thing to lighten the mental load on myself - dismissiveness and joking around, exaggerating for effect, etc. - which i know might come off weird but like...this is really fucking bothering me guys and I...Iâm doing my best.
Cause hereâs the thing. I was raised believing the world was one way and that we were *right* about things. We had the answers and anyone (liberals) who didnât agree with us were wrong and would either see the light and come to our side or were too stupid to know how wrong they were so we wouldnât have associated with them anyway. (reasons why iâm currently frustrated with the political opposition to Republicans/Conservatives/The Right #1 actually)
And then I grew up and I saw the world was not that way. And I expected that my family would be able to see the world with the insight I had gained, and..they just...donât.
Iâve excused a lot of their shit beliefs recently. not like, trying to defend them to anyone or anything but I donât confront them. Mostly because I know while they wonât say it to my face, I know how they think about people who think like me (because I was there for those conversations, I was there and I thought like them and now i donât and that makes me one of those idiots they talked about, a stupid person who canât see the truth they believe so fully that they think is backed up by facts and figures but their facts and figures are *flawed* - mine arenât better but I can acknowledge that and extrapolating data from all the things and coming to a conclusion is what I was taught to do but now that I do it for the wrong side what must they think of me? What must they say behind my back?)
I have...a lot of kinda fucked up shit about my family. Nothing overt, nothing that immediately screams to me âHey fuck-o, this shit isnât a universal experience and something is wrong here!â but itâll be small things that Iâm like âAh, okay. Not everyone had this experience and those that did are currently working through the *trauma* of it by going to *therapy*. Hm.â
Iâve done some work in that respect and thatâs good. Doesnât make my issues go away but makes it so I can handle them a little better. Most of the time anyway.
Iâm trying to make several things that are true but contradictory work together in my brain and itâs not going well.
1) my family cares about me and wants me to do well.
2) my family has hurt me in the past and is currently hurting me (though not intentionally and not maliciously - please dear god let it be unintentional and non-malicious).Â
3) My family does not âagreeâ with LGBTetc people.
4) My family do not believe that there are systemic issues inherent in the government we live in/under and the society we must participate in (Because it benefits them, and they have not had to challenge their thoughts on this before).
5) My family are kind of racist.
6) My family was my only support system when I was leaving an abusive situation.
7) ...My family might have abused me a little.
I go back and forth on point seven a *lot*. See point 2 about the intentionality/maliciousness factors. If they didnât mean to do it, does it still count?Â
Does it matter if it still hurts?
My sister outright told me that she doesnât agree with trans people (meaning she doesnât believe you can be trans, really). But Iâm okay because itâs me, and now I can be her gay best friend when weâre drinking at family stuff.
She didnât understand why I was hurt by that. I attempted to explain it and she got defensive and angry so I just...didnât fight about it. Just played the part. Iâm her brother when it benefits her but otherwise Iâm still her sister. Iâm still mom and dadâs daughter. Even though I told them Iâm not a girl. I told them Iâm a guy.
Dadâs response was the most favorable initially and I think...he might eventually come around to it (heâs always wanted a son. he has a boy dog and has also imprinted really hard on his lawn roomba about it). He also might...not.
Iâd like to transition further. Eventually. If itâs feasible. But also, right now itâs not. Right now itâs me cutting my hair short and not wearing dresses or skirts (even though theyâre super comfy) because I want to avoid being misgendered as often as possible. Itâs binding for uncomfortable and unsafe lengths of time because I am a MAN dammit, and I will be a man at this family function in whatever way I can. And when I go to the length that I do to be seen the way I want to be seen and I am *ignored*....
fuckinâ hurts you guys. I just fuckinâ hurts.Â
And I want to correct them. I want to stand up and say STOP YOUâRE HURTING ME. PLEASE. I AM NOT A GIRL. I HAVENâT BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME I JUST DIDNâT KNOW WHY I DIDNâT FEEL RIGHT AS A GIRL. PLEASE JUST CALL ME A BOY, USE MY PRONOUNS, USE A NEW NAME OR AT LEAST THE NICKNAME THAT ISNâT MY FULL NAME.Â
but i donât.
because Iâm scared of losing them again.
And itâs fucked up because theyâre *already* lost. Theyâre Fox-watchers and Trump-supporters and they donât want to listen to science or facts or *anything* outside of whatâs presented to them by pundits and talk show hosts, and the fucking EIB network with their political propaganda for anything that isnât what the liberals want.
And I donât know that I can get them back because theyâre *real* far down that particular rabbit hole. And Iâm...Iâm just trying to figure out what I want in life. What makes me happy. And part of what I want is what I always wanted and never had.
I want my mom and dad to look at me, see me, see what I do see how I try and what I love and care about and tell me that Iâm enough. That they love me because this is who I am and I am enough for them. Even if I wasnât accomplished and didnât try they would still love me because Iâm *me*. and Iâm their *child* and they *love me*.
And GOD it is so FUCKING painful to know thatâs not a realistic thing to hope for. Because Iâve been trying for 28 GODDAMN years doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can to be enough for them. I played good, christian, conservative little girl for SO goddamn long, even when I wasnât Christian or conservative anymore, even when I saw the cracks, I wanted to be what they wanted.
And even now that I *am* what my dad wanted (a son) Iâm not enough because to him iâm still a girl, to my mom Iâm the failed daughter the one she didnât do enough for so now itâs about how she fucked up and not about NO. This is ME. Stop. Stop LOOKING at me like that WHEN YOU DONâT SEE ME. YOU SEE SOME IDEALIZED VERSION OF ME WHO WAS NEVER GOING TO EXIST BECAUSE SHE WASNâT ENOUGH EITHER.
...
This is a lot more than I thought it would be, pain wise tonight, guys. My bad.Â
Iâm still struggling with my eating habits, Iâm still struggling with my self-worth, and finding what makes me feel fulfilled. Iâm getting better at some of it though.
Iâve smiled and laughed more in the past week or so than I have since I came out to my family. I wouldnât have done that without my very very good friends who are very very kind to me and god I wish I could do more than draw stupid pictures and write stupid stories for them but it makes them happy too? so iâll just do what I can and maybe itâll be alright.Â
Gonna try not to fall too deep down the abandonment issues pit tonight folks. Iâm already upset enough.Â
Good talk.
#I was fine and then all of the sudden I was no longer fine#whoops#lol#processing trauma'll do that to a guy i guess#the captain rambles#LIFE POST#haven't tagged that in a while heh#not feelin so great tonight babes but i'll be alright eventually#i love all of you very much and if you ever feel lost or alone or are hurting (esp because of family) please know i am here for you#i don't want any of you to feel that way about it#come to my DMs send me an ask whatever you need#i love you be safe be healthy and most of all be kind
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About Roslin and Baltarâs trial
Iâve been thinking about Roslinâs reasons behind putting Baltar on trial, because Iâve seen many different opinions on that and whether she was right or wrong. The show itself suggests a few times that sheâs doing it for revenge, while her fans are taking her side. I think as always on BSG, the truth is more complicated than that.
To preface this, I am in the unique position because I am a big fan of both characters. Roslin is my favourite female character and Baltar is my favourite male character on the show. Watching their separate stories is so much fun to me and when they have scenes together is always a special delight. I love seeing how their paths cross, how they run in parallel, how they are foils to each other, everything about them is interesting. There is a symmetry to them as they exchange their roles in the show which I deeply enjoy and appreciate. Theyâre both very human characters, flawed, imperfect, but striving to be better. I donât see Roslin as some paragon of virtue because sheâs clearly not and never was. She made too many awful decisions for that, but sheâs made quite a lot of good calls too. A lot of her ruthlessness comes from a sense of vulnerability. She canât afford to show kindness or mercy to the enemy and potential threats have to be dealt with or the humankind wonât survive. Thatâs her M.O. Sheâs an iron lady, not some bleeding heart of a naive schoolteacher.
Season 3 of the show is all about New Caprica. Even when the characters are lightyears away from that planet, they still carry it and what happened there in their hearts. New Caprica tainted them all and left wounds they all spent the rest of the season healing. But there is one wound left for the last - Gaius Baltar. He is the symbol of New Caprica. He gave people the promised land but it turned into a living nightmare. He was a shitty president even before the Cylons came, so it was easy to place all the blame for NC squarely on his shoulders. However, it wasnât as if he was voted in and people followed him there, rather it was the other way around - people wanted to go to NC, so they voted for him. People trusted Baltar because he was a genius scientist, because he claimed he cared, because he was an attractive political alternative to Roslin. Humanity made a bad choice, but it is easier for them to erase the physical reminder of that mistake than admit to it. Hence the ubiquitous hatred for Baltar in the Fleet.
But Roslinâs not just an average citizen, sheâs much closer to Baltar. Of course she regrets not going through with stealing the election. She had a chance to prevent all this tragedy from happening and she didnât. She chose the higher road in the end, to be the better person and she let Baltar win. Her own nobility doomed humanity. Thatâs a bitter pill to swallow. It must haunt her. And I think it certainly informs her ruthless decisions in S3, like ordering the Cylon genocide. NC taught her that morals can and should be sacrificed for the sake of survival. She doesnât want to make that same mistake again.
S3 features a fascinating reversal of roles between Roslin and Baltar. It starts with him as the puppet president and her a powerless schoolteacher. Their first scene together is when he visits her in detention center where sheâs held. The show never makes it clear whether Roslin was tortured and how (I suspect food and/or sleep deprivation), but she knows others were. Regardless, she is a victim of the occupation, unjustly imprisoned. Her name is on a death list, signed by Gaius Baltar.
There are many things Laura Roslin is and I believe that one of those is vengeful. She remembers everything good or bad, and she also holds grudges. One of those grudges is for Cylons who she has a certain propensity to airlock. Not unfounded of course. That combined with her regret for not stealing the election and her belief that Baltar is a traitor and traitors should be killed is a deadly combination for Gaius.
The graphic demonstration of Roslinâs grudge against Baltar is the entire episode 3x13 Taking a Break from All Your Worries. The tables have turned, the reversal of roles is complete, but whatâs done is the same thing. Roslinâs doing to Baltar what was done to her. From the very beginning of the episode we have Baltar in prison, making the noose. Itâs night but the guard wakes him up when he nods off. Thatâs the start of torture - sleep deprivation. Then Roslinâs first visit to his cell is a purposeful replication of his visit to her cell on NC. Through the episode, she continues with various methods of torture, to interrogate him and get the admission of guilt that she so desperately wants from him - which will justify what is done to him illegally. Which will validate her despicable actions against him, because he would admit to actually deserve them. But just like Roslin did not give Gaius the information or cooperation he wanted on New Caprica, Gaius doesnât give in to her brutal methods here. Another similarity between them is that he didnât wish her to suffer on NC and her crying when she has him tortured. Torture horrifies both of them and I think for Roslin that was a moment when she became horrified at herself and what she was doing. No Cylon was making her do this. Her conscience woke up and it couldnât be silenced. (Still, Gaeta got only a slap on the wrist for murder attempt on the prisoner. Interesting how Roslinâs justice works when she can better empathize with Gaeta for wanting to kill Baltar, than with Gaius who sheâs deliberately putting through the exact same things sheâs personally gone through. As if she can transfer her own horrors to him and finally be free of NC.)
The last on her list of things to reenact is the death warrant. Adama offers to have Gaius quietly disappeared, just like Roslin was supposed to be killed back on NC. Out of sight, out of mind. But Roslin decides to give Baltar the trial for several reasons. I think the most important one is that she wants him dead for being a traitor but she also wants the moral high ground. His torture already made her too close to being like the enemy. When Baltar is tried and found guilty - and in her belief he cannot not be found guilty - he will be legally sentenced. She will not have his blood on her hands. She will not kill him just because she has the power and means to, not as a whimsy of the President. He has to be objectively judged and sentenced to death that he deserves for his own actions. Roslin fully believes her own judgment of Baltar is correct and objective. She refuses to acknowledge her own subjectivity when it concerns him. Thatâs why she allows the trial - because she is convinced it will go the way she wants it and Baltar will be sentenced to death. The last factor of why she decides to put him on trial is that sheâs wanted to do this since she learned about his involvement with Six before the attack. She couldnât have done it before because the only proof she had was a memory that resurfaced when she was dying and heavily medicated. It wouldâve been just her word against his. But occupation of NC gives her all the reason and proof to finally convict him for his crimes. Itâs tangible, real, it didnât happen only to her. Everyone was there, everyone suffered. She has the public with her on this.
As an aside, itâs pretty hypocritical that Zarek gets away scot free. The man was the political mastermind behind Baltarâs presidential campaign, but because he got lucky and Cylons didnât shoot him when he refused to cooperate and then he was with Roslin on the death list, he gets a free pass from her. A lot of help he was, rotting in a cell for the whole occupation. But now heâs her pal, he gave her back the presidential seat so all is cool between them. Even more hypocritical that Roslin banned Zarekâs secret tribunal killing collaborators right and left, but for Baltar she recreates it and makes it public for everyone to watch/listen to on radio.
Itâs almost funny how Baltar makes Roslin lose her cool, how easily angry he can get her. Sheâs completely unobjective when it comes to him. He writes a book and sheâs frothing mad. She imprisons a man because he read that book. She jokes about burning the book. She humiliates Baltar to make him stop writing, she lies to make him feel small, powerless, unheard. Thatâs how deep her grudge against him goes. If Adama is the equivalent of Zeus, Roslin fits the characteristics of Hera to a T.
One thing I really love about the show is that in the end, it doesnât present the ideal solution to the issue of Baltarâs trial and punishment. Iâd say that the actual message is that of mercy, but thereâs no whitewashing his character. Baltar during and after the trial is shown at his smarmiest, but the justice is blind. It doesnât care about likeability of the accused, it cares about evidence.
Was Roslin right or wrong? Was it right that Baltar was exonerated? What would be a just punishment for him? Thatâs left for the viewers to ponder about. In my opinion, the majority of S3 already showed Baltarâs punishment. Letâs not pretend that he was having a picnic when everyone else was suffering. Heâs been imprisoned, horrifically tortured TWICE, heâs been almost killed multiple times, he tried to commit suicide. He had little to no control over his life, all he could do was to cling to it. His own guilt and self-loathing poisoned him and his love with Caprica Six. Heâs lost everyone he cared for and became the most hated man in the universe. He was betrayed by Gaeta. And Baltarâs informal punishment isnât going to go away just because he was freed by the court. Season 4 barely started and already someone attempted to murder him.
I spent hours writing this meta, so sorry if I rambled too much. Iâve just got a lot of feelings and opinions about the trial, Roslin and Gaius.
#bsg#laura roslin#gaius baltar#meta#3x13 taking a break from all your worries#3x19 crossroads part 1#3x20 crossroads part 2#3x16 dirty hands
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Milwaukee Pride is a Fucking Disgrace to Stonewall and Here's Why:
Milwaukee Pride is a fucking disgrace to what Pride is all about and where it fucking started. There are too many reasons that I can name off, Â but I will just name a few of the pressing issues of this festival we call "Pride".
makegayhistory.org, Sylvia Rivera with banner.
milwaukeepride.org, Pride Fest 2019.
Milwaukee Pride is a celebration of overpriced fried food dipped in rainbow capitalism and drenched in the tragedies and issues of young queer and trans people (ESPECIALLY TQPOC) being swept under the rug. Â
I'm writing this article because I am fucking tired of Milwaukee Pride being a
cis white passively racist gay man's fantasy.
I'm writing this because I'm tired of the fact that there's less than a crumb of an attempt at a safe all-gender inclusive bathroom and that I have to see TGNC people lined up at the only single stall bathroom by the youth area with looks of discomfort and disappointment. Which leads me to my first issue:
1. No real gender-neutral / all gender inclusive bathrooms, No fucks given about what trans people have to say!
There are various reviews and comments on Milwaukee Pride / Summerfestâs social media pages addressing their inability to make an actual attempt at creating safe bathroom experience that have been ignored or deleted.. Â âUm, what the hell do you mean? Thereâs huge signs saying you can use WHATEVER bathroom you want! You should be grateful!â you might say. Thereâs still multiple âMENâSâ and âWOMENâSâ signs that are visible around these bathrooms; we arenât actually creating a gender inclusive bathroom experience if cis men and women are basically still going to their designated gendered bathrooms. This is an issue because it causes trans people to stand out and continue to be targeted.
I speak from experience when I came out as trans last year and was more âandrogynousâ looking and decided to use the âgender neutralâ menâs bathroom. One man commented on how my breasts looked nice and another man came out of a stall and made eye contact with me. Then, he came over and shouted, Â âYâKNOW, WHY NOT HAVE GIRLS IN THE MENâS BATHROOM?!â while throwing his arm around me and chuckling while I stood there uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. Â Milwaukee Pride needs to do better for trans people because we literally wouldnât have pride if it wasnât for black and brown trans womxn.
2. Pride was a RIOT. The Police were MURDERING US AND BEATING US: WHY TF ARE COPS AT MKE PRIDE? Â
I reached out to trans and queer people on social media asking what their experiences were at Milwaukee Pride and how safe they felt. Almost instantly, the response was about how bigots in Blue Lives Matters shirts and religious zealots violently screamed at black and brown QT people to repent for their existence during the Pride parade. Another QT Indigenous POC reported violent transphobia at a block party that happened after the pride parade. In all these violent accounts of racist, pro-police bullshit, the police of course stood by and did nothing. This is nothing new. We all know the cops donât protect anyone and just enforce violence and mass genocide of black and brown people, so why the fuck are they at Pride? Have we really fucking forgotten the origin of all of this? Having cops at pride events erases what our trancestors and trans elders fought for in the first place. Â
3.  Rainbow capitalism, alcohol and anti-lgbtq+ vendors: Stop profiting off of our queerness! Â
If having the same white DJs playing shitty EDM and 1 Cardi B song, despite her being transphobic, while a drunk man is grinding on your back without consent is not annoying enough for you - letâs dive a little deeper into MKE Prideâs non-sober space issue! Honestly, I donât even know where the fuck to start because itâs such a fucking mess. Â âLADIEEEES!â vendors left and right cat-call at me and my black trans/nonbinary friends and continue to misgender us and meet us with disrespectful glares when I snap back saying weâre not girls. Bitch, do you even know where you are??
  Milwaukee Pride forces already poor and working class LGBTQ+ people of color to pay an outrageous price of $18 just for corporations and vendors to cat-call and misgender young trans people because all they care about is getting a dollar in their pocket. Miller Lite doesnât give a fuck about us not having sober spaces. The lack of sober spaces for young QTPOC alone in Milwaukee is alarming and dangerous. Isolation and depression is more common among QTPOC (ages 18-24) in this city than you think. Isolation and depression are main factors that lead to alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicide.
Young LGBTQ+ community members already face so much isolation, hate, and violence, and being outcasted left and right. They donât have spaces to be themselves and for a lot of young people, their first time at Pride is something sacred. Itâs a space thatâs decorated in what seems like an invitation to be yourself and be safe doing so when itâs not. This reflects on both Milwaukee Pride being a dangerous non-sober place and the fact that Milwaukee is such a terrible place for young LGBTQ+ people, especially young black and brown lgbtq+ people.
When I went to go see Kim Petras at Milwaukee Pride this year, there was a couple wrapped in a trans flag holding each other behind me, and next to me was my partner. Even though I was being approached by white people all day asking me racist questions like if I knew how to âninja stuff,â and asking me if the plastic sword I was carrying was a âkatana,â I felt relief. I thought, finally, I can dance and have a good time and see an amazing live trans pop artist up close! It wasnât even mid-concert when a tall drunk man shoved his way through the young LGBTQ+ people around him to get to the front. He was behind me, yelling, and began pushing his crotch against my back. Trying to not make a scene, I kept trying to move forward with the little space I had. Maybe he just balance issues, I thought. He brought his hand up to my side and started to touch me under my muscle tank before I jerked away and yelled at him to stop touching me.
Iâm fucking tired. This is the 2nd year Iâve been sexually harassed and inappropriately touched at Pride. Why do I always have to be in fear of my trans body being violated, whether itâd be verbally or physically, at pride?Â
I wrote this not to shame Milwaukee Pride go-ers. I went this year. But, there needs to be change. There needs to be a call-to-action. Stonewall is an important part of our history and to capitalize off of a riot where police were beating our trans elders who demanded our rights, just to have marginalized identities get harassed and abused at Pride is a disgrace to what Pride is. Stonewall is still now. Stonewall is legacy that can not die. Iâm urging this city within and outside of the LGBTQ+ community to reflect on what Pride is all about. I have never left Milwaukee Pride filled with so much shame. Many of us have walked away from Milwaukee Pride traumatized and violated.
I was surrounded by the smell of alcohol and drugs, in a fever dream of EDM feeling the weight of Stonewallâs history in my heart, thinking of how disappointed and disgusted Sylvia and Marsha would be, and the lives of so many black trans womxn that we lost. Milwaukee Pride is a fucking disgrace to the Stonewall Riots and contradicts everything the Stonewall trans activists stood for. You cannot run from our history. You can not deny our history. We Will Rise.
âThis Queer Liberation movement is not over. It  never ended. Stonewall is NOW.â - Still Here: Trans Alliance for Trans Rights.
#Stonewall50#Milwaukee#Pride Month#Pride#lgbtq#wisconsin#midwest#queer#trans#nonbinary#fuck cops#no cops at pride#rainbow capitalism#QTPOC#social justice#LGBTPOC
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Thinking about the future of EDGN
Iâve never asked a lot out of my fans over the years, but to some of my close fans (you know who you are), Iâd really appreciate some helpful advice because this is an important decision Iâm making that will affect both you, the fans, and myself.
To cut a long story short for a tl;dr, I no longer enjoy posting about the voice languages in localised Japanese games because of some recent events and realisations and I want to retire from the English Dubbed Game News page altogether.
Itâs been about five years since I started all this with the Koei Warriors Rant Series and since then, everything Iâve done thatâs related to English dub has brought me nothing but hate. I know itâs a bit of an exaggeration and some of my close fans may have something to say to the contrary, but Iâve been feeling quite negative lately and because of that, I think itâs a brutally honest summary.
After ending the Dub Logistics series, I thought the one thing I could do to repay my fans for their support over the years was to continue posting on EDGN. Personally, I think Iâve done enough already and also, as I said in a post back in August, Iâve been having doubts about the future of the page and what I want to do with it given my current interests. There are several factors that led to me having these doubts, which Iâll be outlining after the break. (I canât even put horizontal lines in my posts with the rich text editor now, thanks Tumblr)
1. I was never interested in any game outside of the Koei Warriors series or any game I played in the past (eg. Dissidia Final Fantasy).
This really shouldnât be a surprise to my fans because in the past, Iâve rarely posted anything outside of the series I was interested in, including the aforementioned series. If I came across something by chance and liked it, then I would do some investigation into it, but these days, the spark just doesnât want to light up anymore.
Iâve never really taken the chance to buy new games because my family doesnât believe in buying things that arenât important and as such, I took that mantra to heart. While I never brought a PS3, I did get a Nintendo Wii, but I traded it in later for a Wii U and not a PS4, which I still regret to this day. I pirated my PSP, DS and PC games (letâs face it, who doesnât) and played with emulators on my computer. I only got a Steam account to play Team Fortress 2 (laggy though it was on my shitty computer) and I never brought anything from it, which made it difficult for me to add friends on there (not that they really cared in the end).
By extension, this applies to anime as well, which is the reason why I never post anything outside of the same few animes on the Waifu Network or on my Facebook pages. My belief on sexism in anime has also contributed to this disinterest; the only reason why Iâm still posting the same few animes is because Iâm still somewhat interested in them and Iâm grateful for how they inspired some personal projects of mine.
2. Various factors have led me to lose interest in video games, including the Koei Warriors Series.
The reason why I started my dub crusade in the first place was because of Warriors Orochi 3 (Ultimate) and Samurai Warriors 4Â not being dubbed. The reason why I decided to jump ship was because of Dynasty Warriors 9Â being dubbed, just not with the same cast I had grown to love. I know that there were extenuating circumstances for the latter, but given everything that happened between that time, my hope that the old English voice cast (since Dynasty Warriors 4-6/Warriors Orochi 1-2) would return to voice that game (and other future games) was gone.
In addition to the previous factor, I started to find myself with more commitments than I had in past years, along with some different interests that I picked up along the way. At first, I didnât feel like playing games because of my commitments, but eventually, it got to the point where I didnât want to play most video games again because of the disappointment Iâve experienced from Koei Tecmo. Learning about all the things that AAA gaming companies do to reduce expenditure and increase revenue turned me off from video games as well. In my opinion, it wasnât so much a boycott (per se) than it was a loss of interest.
3. The original group of people who inspired me to start writing these rants are now gone.
I know Iâve had other fans since the start of all this, but the original group had a special place in all this because of it. There were four people in the original group, who I met on Koeiâs original Facebook page, and they were as follows:
The first one did comment on my older stuff, but he left quite early, possibly since DW8Eâs release. I saw that he deactivated his account some time in 2017.
The second one had a YouTube channel and he was an admin on one of my Facebook pages for some time, but then he left after a period of inactivity without any explanation.
The third one was the more prominent because of his LGBT status and mental health issues. In the middle of 2015, he announced to everyone that he was deactivating his Facebook account because it was a burden on his mental health. He reactivated his account some time later, but he deactivated it again in September 2017 and hasnât come back since. During that time, I saw a post from him stating that he was going to take a lot of pills and commit suicide. I reported it to Facebook in the hope that it might encourage him to find some help, even though I remember him stating that nothing works for him anymore. When I noticed that he hadnât come back to Facebook months after he deactivated his account the second time, I assumed the worst.
The fourth one, also known as the family man or âthe last one standingâ, deactivated his account in June this year. We never really talked much, but as I said in this post, Iâm still grateful to him for helping me find the new weapon and Musou information in DW8E when the Koei Wiki didnât have it yet (because the game was just released at the time).
4. The impact of the feudâs aftermath still haunts me to this day.
When I agreed to end the feud on a mutual understanding a couple of years back, I promised myself that I would quickly move on from the troll behind it and not keep reminding myself of everything that happened. However, Iâm a person thatâs prone to anxiety when I think of worst-case-scenarios and at times, I found myself thinking about what would have happened had my Facebook account been deleted just because a troll couldnât take the L when he got owned by someone half his age (compare that to Leafy who made terrible criticisms of people who are older than him, then claimed that he can hide behind the fact that he is younger than them). Him coming back out of nowhere earlier this year didnât do any favours for anyone either. Regardless of that, Iâve got my bottom ground and Iâll continue to live on it regardless of what anyone else thinks of me.
Iâd like to take a moment to digress and talk about cancel culture and political censorship. Because both parties in the feud werenât exactly that popular (we had our own little fanbases, but thatâs it), me and the other party âcancellingâ each other (admittedly) didnât seem to have as much an effect as we had hoped. Other factors that contributed to this could be that cancel culture (an extension to call-out culture) wasnât that much of a thing two years ago and when the other party tried to cancel me, he made no attempt to spread the word to his fans. It was likely that he was trying to show mercy, but that doesnât explain why he kept reporting my posts relating to him and current events in Hong Kong, knowing that I would eventually get banned if I didnât call him out on it. I was as much a victim than I admittedly was an offender of cancel culture.
Following the feud, Iâve become wary of social media censorship because I experienced what it was like for someone to get petty and get people deplatformed by mass reporting them. Other pages like meme pages have suffered the same fate in the past (mostly because people take certain jokes too seriously), but despite my hopes, it didnât seem like Facebook was going to do anything about the petty mass-reporting of those pages. Recently, however, Iâve been seeing news on tech companies being grilled over the censorship of conservatives and President Trump criticising them for the same thing. Iâm not saying that Iâm supporting Trump backing the pages that are being censored (conservative, far-right, alt-right, you name it), but I hope that this can hopefully extend to random meme pages being reported for petty reasons.
5. Ever since I decided to stop being toxic, I found myself conflicted when confronted with more toxic comments to the point that Iâve started to become paranoid over negative criticism.
When I decided to change the #NoDubNoBuy page to EDGN, I hoped that the hate towards my page would be reduced somewhat, but I never expected that it would be gone entirely. Since then, three people have made negative comments on the page; one was a girl who saw one of my posts being shared on a private group, misunderstood the (new) purpose of the page and despite her attitude, was still somewhat respectful, one was a Europoor dub hater from Spain (from what Iâve seen and learnt, Europeans tend to be sub fans and/or dub haters because of their English comprehension and ability to read subtitles) and one was an Americuck soyboy dub hater who pointed out about âcrybaby fansâ (âfansâ as in the gatekeeping term âfake fansâ, never mind my theory that people, especially men, who call other people, especially other men, âcrybabiesâ are actually spreading toxic masculinity) who liked stuff to be Americanised but didnât acknowledge the Japanese origins.
Iâm gonna go off on a tangent and do a bit of an ad-homimem here (but itâs alright because Iâm going to rebut his point next) and point out that I called the Americuck a soyboy because he had quite a long beard, but to be honest, if I called everyone who had beards âsoyboysâ, that would make people like Count Dankula and Sargon of Akkad âsoyboysâ as well, so itâd be a pretty slippery slope if I didnât clarify who I was talking about.
Now, Iâm going to move back on another tangent and rebut the soyboyâs point, because I think this is a pretty important point to address. No one is saying outright that they want Japanese games to be Americanised in terms of cultural references (if 4Kids has taught us anything). Saying that Americanisation is responsible for bad dubbing is a bit like blaming video games for causing violence. If someone says that they would like a game to be dubbed into English in localisation, then it is presumed that they want the dialogue to be dubbed in addition to the text being translated (or âdublatedâ). Any cultural changes made to the game or the dialogue are entirely the responsibility of those who made those changes, like the gaming companies who censor stuff for Western audiences, so if youâre complaining about a Japanese game being too âAmericanisedâ, donât take it out on dub fans because chances are that they didnât want the dub to be too âAmericanisedâ either.
Completing the square and going back to the original tangent, I didnât post any of their comments to the dub hater comments album because I had deleted it after the feud in the hope that I wouldnât be as toxic as I had been before. You can probably already see how toxic I would probably be if the above responses were posted on the page and directed back at them, which would mean that Iâm not upholding myself to the standards I wanted to follow.
6. Iâm becoming more and more concerned about current events to worry about things like English dubbing in video games.
If youâre someone who has unironically thought that I was making a big deal over something you thought was minor, then this is going to sound very ironic for you. From all these years of learning and research, Iâve attained an expansive world view and while I have made jokes about current events in the past to lighten the mood or express my anger, deep down Iâm actually concerned about these things, particularly in regards to Hong Kong during this politically sensitive time.
For some reason, my desire to make posts has decreased because in addition to the above factors, Iâve been getting more and more worried about current affairs. Granted, the point of things like anime and video games and the Internet is to provide an escape from reality, but in the end, I guess that you have to face it whether you like it or not.
Making the decision to stop posting on EDGN hasnât been an easy one, but all the factors I described above have gradually made it easier. Like the Undub page did, I had considered changing the focus of my page to merely report on the voice languages of games without saying whether we approve or reject it because it isnât dubbed in English/Japanese; that is, we report on them with an unbiased viewpoint. Not adding excessively biased pro-dub comments on our posts has made it more neutral, but in the end, it didnât stop the dub hater cucks. I should point out that one of the reasons why I wanted to change the #NoDubNoBuy page to EDGN was so that we could reduce the amount of hate we were getting.
What was the original goal of me starting this dub crusade? If you have read my rants in the past, then you will have picked up my hopes that Japanese games would be localised to the West with full Japanese and English dubbing and that if game companies couldnât achieve that, then they should apologise and explain why. Would I say that I achieved or failed to achieve this goal? Not really, because over the years, I learnt a lot about the video game and voiceover industries and gradually realised that itâs not as straightforward as I had initially hoped. To be honest, it was kind of stupid of me to hope that gaming companies would say anything straightforward about this, but on the other hand, I learnt that gaming companies are like politicians as well; they say the things they want to say and not the things people want to hear.
To my fans, particularly my close fans, feel free to send me your opinions about my decision, however if youâre trying to change my mind, then Iâm not sure if it can be changed so easily. If you think that I havenât lived up to what you expect from me, then Iâm sorry, but in the end, I have to think of myself as well.
If I could say one thing to the dub fanbase, I want to ask why no one else has ever tried to do something like EDGN. You have your groups and pages on social media and yet, it had to take two people pissed off with the dubbing direction of gaming companies to do it. Granted, that was how the Undub page started, with the lack of Japanese voices in localised games, and yet they didnât get as much hate as my page did.
If there is anyone out there who wants to follow in my footsteps and make a page like EDGN, let me be the first to give you my blessing because Iâm not going to be like the Undub page when they discovered us and point fingers for copying their posts when in the end, games are the same to everyone. While transparency regarding voice languages has increased over the years, there was never a place where dub fans could know about what games were dubbed in English. You donât have to be like me and make a series of rants about why some games arenât dubbed, because Iâve already done it, but instead, I suggest going the unbiased route as I stated earlier. Of course, you donât have to follow my advice - itâs your page, after all.
My plan is to retire from EDGN at the end of the year. I have 12 more games in the backlog, all with English voices, and Iâm hoping to post them all on the page before then. I probably wonât remove myself as an admin (because I think thereâll be some petty, obsessed cuck whoâll dig out my posts and make a rant series on me or something), but Iâll probably have it so that I can forget about the page as time goes on.
With this, my dub crusade has come to an end. Once again, to the fans, Iâm sorry and I thank you for your support. As always, it is your choice as to whether you wish to continue following me, whether on Facebook or Tumblr, after my retirement.
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misc verse aesthetics + write ups   :   legacies.
everything is the same, except caroline isnât nearly as absent as she is portrayed in the show. sheâs still mostly overseas looking for ways to avoid the merge, but she keeps heavily in contact with the twins and alaric and anyone else that might need her.Â
further mini-head-canons:
â alaric keeps her updated on most everything that goes on at the school, but seeing as sheâs supposed to stay focused on the whole merge issue, she gets a very glossed over, âno really itâs all okay you donât need to come back right awayâ version of events.
â when she is at the school, she blends in really easily, seeing as she eternally looks seventeen  ( iâll highlight this a lot in threads, tbh ) and for the most part no one really knows sheâs the headmistress at first glance.Â
â  she will take a personal interest in every new kid that comes to the school, to her theyâre all pretty much her adopted family.
â going off of ^^^ that, sheâll always have a soft spot for hope, especially considering sheâs one of the few people that knew klaus as klaus and not k l a u s --- that being said, she feels an immense amount of guilt over not doing more to stop klaus from dying.
â she is well aware of the obvious loophole to the merge ( one of the twins turning ) and she and ric have probably talked about it at least once or twice, but itâs always her who puts her foot down. she wonât watch one of her daughters die ,and she wonât be the one to do it, and she knows how awful itâll be and itâs just a hard no from her.
â she has huge insecurities about her abilities of being a good mom, the fact that the twins arenât biologically hers weighs really heavily on her and sheâs never quite able to get over the fact that at some point, the fact that she doesnât age is going to factor heavily into her relationship with the girls.Â
â  sheâs a pretty regular non-sleeper. itâs not uncommon to catch her up at ungodly hours awake in her office trying to research as many leads as she possibly can about potential merge-alternatives / loopholes or doing other work.
â if you mention stefan at all, thereâs a 70% chance sheâll shut down completely or try and avoid the topic entirely ( unless itâs in the right moment, with the right people ). she never allowed herself to properly grieve over him, because she knew if she did sheâd never fully stop, so a lot of her coping post-wedding was just throwing herself into putting the school together and taking care of the twins.
â  additionally, sheâs a MAJOR stickler for the schoolâs rules. to her, itâs an extension of stefan, and the last thing she can do to honor his legacy so anyone going against that is really not gonna be a fan of hers.Â
â   no but literally sheâs always keeping in contact with the twins via text, call, facetime, snapchat, instagram, etc. sheâs as in touch as she can be, but she knows she misses a lot of important shit. and she h a t e s it.Â
â  her vampirism means that she doesnât physically age, so she WILL look the same age as some of the students at the school, but she also sometimes has a tendency ( usually when tired ) to act as she would have when she was a teenager ( weâll blame it on the part of her brain that never got to fully develop ) but sheâs gotten better at biting her tongue in those momentsÂ
â sheâll gloss over her time abroad, probably try and shrug it off as getting to see cool cities and live in fancy hotels, but if sheâs being totally honest itâs nothing but a bunch of dingy motel rooms, fake names, shitty food, constant paranoia, dealing with bitchy witches and people that slam doors in her face the second she mentions the gemini coven. itâs lonely af, but sheâll always try to cover it up by going out of her way to pretend to be upbeat for fear that the twins will find out.Â
â Â Â click here for an exhaustive list of where she ( probably ) stands with each surviving character post tvd / to finale.
â Â Â FOR VARIOUS SMALLER DIVERGENCIES / REMINDERS, PLEASE CLICK HERE.Â
** disclaimer **   while i love every character on legacies, itâs not a show i intend on seriously watching apart from a few episodes / scenes here and there. so i might be a little bit wonky on some details, but i will try my hardest to keep up to date with whatâs going on.
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UPDATE on Hunter of Huntressesâ future... (and my writing, and my life...)
Hunter of Huntresses:
First thing I want to make clear: Iâm not going to abandon the project. Like I said, Iâll write it till I feel satisfied with the conclusion. So I will update the series till I am comfortable with the ending I wantââgood things donât last forever after all. Moreover, if I force myself to write, my workâs quality will suffer as well.
Writing:
I really enjoy writing. What started out as a way of productive procrastination became a full-blown series due to the many readers of my smut. I am eternally grateful to those people who support, criticize, and comment. Our interactions on Tumblr messaging (though few) and the comments section on my work have been very motivating. As Daniel Pink theorized: the best motivation for specialized laborers include autonomy, purpose, and mastery. Because of my fans, I gained a purpose, improved my mastery, yet maintained my autonomy.
However, I recently encountered my first instance of...writerâs block? Well it wasnât a full block, more of a âI just finished my exams, my grades arenât what I want them to be, Imma take a break.â kind of block. So yeah, I got lazy. Sorry.
But that wonât stop my commitment to finishing and completing a series, so donât worry. What it does show, however, is how I can lose motivation quickly. As embarrassingly as it is, Iâm human too. I got other hobbies outside writing, such as drawing and gaming, which Iâll discuss later. Primarily, I want to talk about me writing, in general.
A bunch of friends and I have conceptualized this...well, universe of sorts. Sort of a like an anthology or series centered around a unifying main character of sorts. Maybe if we get shit done (which two of them have already made content), I can post it here...but no promises. I like to keep my smut-writing and personal interests separate. As I said, I really like writing. So working on this shitshow may become a tragedy for smut updates. Iâll try not to let it get to that.
Fanfiction is something I want to bust into, as well. Iâve got a rough idea for a Blake x Jaune fanfic, might include smut, but more plot-centered than the smut I post. I may or may not get to it. Someone said I was like the Coeur AlâAran of RWBY smut. I guess Iâm more similar to him than I thought, especially since I like Blakeâs character and want to capitalize on Jauneâs lack of character development. Blake pre-Volume 4 was one of my favorite characters for potential development mainly because of how mysterious she was.Â
You can skip the parenthesis text.
(I donât really ship Bumblebee because I just physically canât. Iâm the type of straight male who canât get off to gay porn of any sort; guy on guy, girl on girl, dickgirl on guy, dickgirl on girl, etc. I just canât. Like a lot of straight guys talk about lesbian porn but Iâm just there wondering how the fuck does that turn you on? Literally just two girls and a dildo, itâs over-complicated sexual intercourse. I donât fuck with futanari bullshit because I think itâs the biggest turn-off for me, excluding gay male porn. So yeah, sorry if I came off as homophobic, I guess. Funny thing is, Iâve got gay friends whom I hang out with simply because we watch the same anime, read the same manga. And they donât get the big deal about gay porn either. Some of them watches hetero-porn exclusively, like me. Anyway, Iâm rambling.)
Okay parenthesis text over.
But enough about fiction and fanfiction, letâs talk about smut. Iâve got a fuckton of ideas apart from Hunter of Huntresses that I would like to write about. These include various themes and tags, such as loving sex, or tentacles, BDSM, and even NTR. While some of these arenât most peopleâs cup of tea, I want to write what I want to writeââIâve got ideas for stuff like Naruto, The Incredibles, and others. My next work would most definitely be Mass Effect content. Look forward to that once I slow down on Hunter of Huntresses a bit. I do have a bunch of outlines for more RWBY smut as well, so those who came for fics about Jaune dicking girls down, rejoice. I still have a few independent and not-so independent ideas from Hunter of Huntresses. Like for example, Ren fucking RWBY MILFS set in a stereotypical American high school setting.
Life:
Iâve got a shitload of free time...in a sense. My college days tentatively start in August, and right now I just need to watch out for Graduation practice from my high school and Evaluation Exams in May. That means I can update more, right?
Meh.
Iâve got hobbies and social life tooââthe former including drawing and gaming. Iâve recently picked up drawing again, a hobby I put off for two whole years due to enrolling into a much harder high school curriculumââsomething I slightly regret due to how shitty the curriculum was executed by my school. I literally did not have a Physics teacher for eight class sessions. What the fuck. So now I got back into drawing, both traditional and digital, mainly because of a girl I met who totally whipped me and I may or may not have a slight crush on her because sheâs probably the most perfect girl Iâve met and Iâm praying this attraction isnât fatal but holy shit Iâm drawing just to impress her.
As for gaming, I play League of Legends a lot. People say itâs cancer, I tell them it isnât cancer if youâre playing with the right friends. And let me tell you: losing streaks with friends is far more fun than having a solo winning streak. I used to spend all night gaming, sleeping at two in the morning on weekends. This stopped when I enrolled in the aforementioned curriculum. I consciously made an effort to study harder and quit League of Legends, and it paid off, mostly.
TL;DR and Synthesis:
So overall, these are the factors which may affect the future of my writing âcareerâ or something: other writing pursuits, and other hobbies, and the upcoming college freshman year in August.
P.S. Donât worry about my mental health, ayt? Iâm fine, really. Iâve known suicidal people who have actually attempted self-harm, and trust me, the problems I have arenât ones that would actually make me kill myself. Iâve got a lot of things going for me right now. As Papa Franku detested, I am âhigh on life, I donât need to get high on drugsâ.
Sorry if the post got a bit rant-y or smth. I just needed to explain shit to the fullest.
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What I know about consent violations from having seen a lot of them
Crossposted to Fetlife.Â
*TLDR: This stuff is complicated, memories and stories are often flawed, and outside of a few sharp lines there is no consensus on what IS a consent violation to say nothing of what is the correct punishment for one. *
Hi, Iâm AskJeeves. Â Iâm a âcommunity leaderâ but please donât blame my communities for what Iâm about to say. Â I literally ran this past nobody but my wife so the responsibility for my words would be entirely mine and indeed, itâs possible some folks I work with running organizations will be unhappy with me for my directness here. Â FWIW, I also have never been the head consent person in any organization. Â Iâm just a board member of three different kink groups who has also been in the community for a really long time.
But anyway, in various kink positions of responsibility in hypnokink, regular kink and a kinky arts organization, Iâve seen quite a few complaints. Â And here are some general impressions. Â Iâve messed with some details for privacy but kept the spirit of the complaints intact.
1. Most of the scene likes to gossip and the drama around consent violations is pretty sweet gossip. Â The chain of secrecy is almost never intact. Â Iâm good at keeping secrets. Â When I hear about a consent complaint, I treat it as confidential and donât talk about it. Â But people who know Iâm in a position to know VERY FREQUENTLY talk to me. Â This puts me in this wacky position of âA complained about B, and everyone seems to know that. Â A is talking about it and B is talking about it, and people want to talk to me about it, but I donât 100 percent know WHAT A and B are saying and if one of them is leaving a detail or two out on purpose and I reveal it, Iâve seriously breached my responsibilities,â so I do a lot of smiling and nodding about consent complaints. Â Also, âB and I are at the same party and B is recounting a romanticized version of what they did that leaves out a lot of facts and if Iâm quiet it looks like I agree but Iâm really not in a position to speak up,â which also sucks, but they way.
2. The vast majority of complaints we get are in gray areas, and itâs almost impossible to nail down what a âconsent violationâ actually is outside of whatâs actually illegal or specific enough to be spelled out in rules we already had:
a. A guy wrote about kink stuff on his public facebook on the regular. Â Somebody who was mad at him got drunk and posted something on the same facebook page about how much he sucked for not coming to her play party. Â Said guy got drunk person banned from a dungeon for âouting herâ in a place heâd already outed himself. Â
b. Iâm pretty judgy about JK Rowling retweeting TERFS, but should a con punish someone for retweeting a post that outs somebody? Â
c. If someone steals someone elseâs money without permission, is that a consent violation? Â
d. If C and D make plans to play, and then C loses interest but never actually says âactually, I changed my mind,â and just puts off or ghosts D, how many times can D follow up, in what ways and getting what responses, without it becoming harassment? Â Â (Soft nos are VERY complicated from a âtrying to enforce consent rulesâ perspective. Â In this situation, Â C almost always says that D is ignoring a ânoâ and D almost always says that C seems really busy so D thought D would keep trying and they were eager to do the play C had earlier said they wanted.)
e. If E made a promise to follow a bunch of rules set by a group, and then broke one of them, and F, a member of the other group, complains to a my group that E consented to follow the rules and broke them and the complain to MY group, which has different rules, is that violating the first groupâs consent?
f. Hypno-specifically, what counts as non-negotiated use of persuasive language and where?
g. The above complexities quadruple for trying to ban someone from an event or organization for something they did online. Â Does this happen in rare circumstances? Â Yes. Â But the bar is quite high. Â
h. Some of yâall who are black and white thinkers or just very decisive will feel like you can go down this list going âYes, no, yes, yes, noâ but suffice to say, even if one of these seems straightforward to you, it hasnât to me in the past, perhaps because of further details Iâve left out for brevity or something I changed to make the situations less specific..
3. If youâve been banned or whatever, threatening to bring in a lawyer never helps you. Â Kink organizations are private. Â We mostly have our own lawyers and know very well how incredibly legal it is to exclude someone from a private organization for a good reason, a bad reason or no reason at all unless itâs a discriminatory reason. Â Proving âdiscriminationâ is very difficult, proving âdefamationâ is too. Â Suing a kink organization for not letting you in requires money up front that almost none of us have, so itâs an empty threat anyway unless the person making the threat is independently wealthy. Â I write this under the assumption that if you ARE independently wealthy and are willing to sue us into the ground if you donât get what you want, these words wonât stop us anyway.
a. Suffice to say that when you threaten to sue it indicates to me as a person in a position of responsibility is that âbringing in a lawyer to make threatsâ is something youâre willing to do when you donât get what you want, and if my organization continues to deal with you, this will almost certainly happen again. Â So why would we want you in our private organization? Â Do you really provide so much benefit to the organization that this constant threat is worth it to us?
b. Caveat: If someone has sexually assaulted you, by all means, call the cops or a lawyer if you feel comfortable doing so. Â Iâm not at all saying that legal mechanisms have no place in kink when directed at the person who hurt you. But as fair as organizations are concerned threatening to sue, or coy letters about how you might threaten to sue if you donât get your way, are counterproductive and have a strong whiff of bullshit, which is never a good thing if youâre trying to convince us youâre not lying about anything else.
4. Long relationships that end in one or both parties accusing one another of consent violations the moment they break up are a nightmare to deal with on the consent side.  Because abuse REALLY DOES happen in long term relationships.  But there are many ways  of being a shitty partner that are consent violations.  People who have just broken up last week can almost never tell the difference. Â
5. People who talk about consent ALL THE TIME have a bad habit of setting their own rules about it in ways that benefit their own bullshit. Â Such people are often so excited to talk about other peopleâs consent violations that they make a big deal without having investigated or otherwise gotten the full story. Â So people who make a big public deal about rumors of other peopleâs problems have raised a red flag about themselves. Â This is completely irrelevant if they never have a consent complaint raised about them. Â But if they do, the red flag is there. Â A red flag doesnât decide anything, but people are going to notice it.
6. I get that Jeff Mach got paid. Â Just about nobody else in kink does and if youâre looking to get paid, running a con is a terrible way to do it. Â Weâre volunteers throwing parties/events for the community. We want people to be safe but we also hang out at our own parties/cons and we donât want to hang with jerks. Â Nobody gets banned for being a jerk alone, but if youâve yelled at us, been an asshole when you dumped our friend, been accused of minor things many times before, or otherwise caused a lot of problems, thatâs not going to help you get what you want. Again, if I personally think youâre a jerk but no one ever complains about you, thatâs fine. Â Some of you ARE jerks and I demonstrably havenât. Â But if youâve got what feels like a long history of being difficult or causing problems, thatâs a strike against you. Â My kid brother has a long history of cussing out cops and has been told he has the worst driving record in the county where we live. Most of the judges and cops in our county have met him and he was unpleasant every time. Â If you think every new time heâs a defendant there is a clean slate and none of that prior stuff matters, youâve been sold of a vision of our justice system, and possibly humanity, that doesnât exist. Â We are trying to be fair but it would be weird to expect a bunch of volunteer kinksters to be less susceptible to their own perceptions.
7. Rumors people have heard about bad behavior, complaints from unverifiable and likely fake scene names, or a friend making a complaint on behalf of an anonymous friend are simply impossible to investigate or do anything about.
8. Two years ago, a group of people got together to lie about an innocent person assaulting someone. Â They were people the consent folks at the event liked and trusted. Â And then the truth came out. Â It is never impossible that this is happening. Â And it ruined what seemed like a pretty solid kink organization. Â There are mitigating factors here and there but the bones of it are an organization people put thousands of dollars and untold hours into that brought a lot of people joy was ruined, because like eight people didnât get what they want on something incredibly minor and broke the consent system, and the con, on purpose. Â Again, the consent folks didnât handle things optimally either, but when eight people are willing to tell the same lie itâs tough to imagine that ending well for them, their victim or the organization. Â Consent organizers never want that to happen to us, but itâs unrealistic not to accept that it could. Â
This stuff is complicated. Â And again, Iâm only writing on behalf of myself. Â But these kinds of issues are what folks who seriously work on consent face. Â I'm happy to talk about them. Â But if you think you have an iron-clad, one-size-fits-all solution, you probably don't?
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Epilogues: Candy, chapters 1-5
This is gonna get long.
The Candy route is, in effect, the route where John refuses to go back to finish off Lord English, but remains on Earth C. Instead, the story begins by picking up another long neglected thread: Gamzee. Then it continues to various other places.
Contains: a rough recap of Gamzeeâs story, a longwinded attempt to be evenhanded and not callous about the Gamzee Discourse, because itâs relevant again... and then I read the next three chapters, which visit some of the other characters, setting up the board for the new story (because letâs be real, this is a whole new story of its own at this point!)
a quick recap
Itâs been three years since the comic ended so Iâm gonna recap what I remember about Gamzeeâs story. He was sent on a murderous rampage in the âmurderstuckâ arc - thereâs some debate if he was acting according to his own will, or that of Lord Englishâs agents, there, but either way he killed a large number of the âbeta trollsâ. He was ultimately stopped by Karkat, who deployed the âshoosh papâ of establishing moirallegiance. During the three year meteor voyage, he entered into some kind of very harmful kismesis relationship with Terezi, but got very little screen time. And uh... then I get confused.
In the âgame overâ arc, he is mind controlled - I recall by Aranea - and used to bring about the deaths of most of the cast. This, of course, was retconned. Also I think I skipped over a bit.
And, in some capacity, he was present when Caliborn won the contest for dominance with Calliope. He assisted the young Calibornâs villainous plan, and for his trouble got repeatedly shot to pieces, which he took silently.
And at some point he got locked in a fridge by the rest of the cast. We briefly see him get knocked about in there during âCollideâ, and then he makes no further appearance.
Letâs go on the Homestuck wiki and see what I missed...
while under the sway of Lord English (murderstuck arc), he caused some of the kids to receive Lil Cal and a harlequin doll, which is what made their session âterminalâ
he intervened in the alpha session, and was responsible for the prototypings of various dead trolls into combined forms
this:
The fridge remained on LOTAK until Lord Jack was decapitated which resulted in a black hole, somehow taking Gamzee, Crowbar's crowbar and Yaldabaoth to future Earth.
so i guess i missed that in all the chaos of Collide, but that explains how he ended up in Calibornâs world.
also crucially, half of Gamzee is absorbed into Lil Cal along with Caliborn and Arquiussprite, which creates Lord English, the series villain.
so anyway...
The initial premise of this story is: John decides to remain in the C universe and enjoy his life instead of living in an undecisive fugue, rather than go out to fight Lord English and wrap up that side of the plot. Calliope makes a request of him: he should use his retcon powers to pull Gamzee out of the plot, someone âonly he can saveâ.
The second chapter is basically a very sarcastic discourse post in Gamzeeâs voice. Shortly after being rescued, Gamzee goes onto a long speech about how heâs prepared to redeem himself, and the âmitigating factorsâ that make him worthy of redemption: (an âabusive childhoodâ at the hands of his goat dad, and his socialisation). Iâll excerpt a bit to give you the general flavour, with the typing quirk removed for readability:
gamzee: i been all like. abused and stuff, homies.
gamzee: as a child, i got motherfuckin neglected on by a stern old fatherly goat.
gamzee: i was a disappointment on him, and canât says i blame him for abandoning the shit out of his useless kid.
gamzee: i woulda motherfuckin done the same shit at me if i was a big cruel goat.
gamzee: so that explains like, pretty sure most of my crimes in a way that makes a motherfucker wanna take his forgiveness out for a fucking spin.
gamzee: thereâs other reasons to consider, like...
gamzee: shit that makes this redemption arc fuckin tight like an uncracked elixir.
gamzee: like, hows my purple blood meant i got the culture pressures put on me to be a salty damn jester for life.
gamzee: what about that hand the messiahs dealt me, my bitches.
gamzee: a motherfuckerâs gonna envy that like a wicked cod rash.
gamzee: so how can i full and truly fuckin get blamed on for, when it comes to a little bit of subjugglation i got culturally hornswoggled up to doing, and also tragically goat abused which needs to make you shed a tear for this motherfucker, lest you wanna be as atrocious as me.
This is reminiscent of Vâs episodes in Friendsim, insofar as - weâre clearly not intended to buy it, but itâs directly mocking lines of argument in the fandom, about whether itâs ok to be a fan of Gamzee (because fandom is all about casting moral judgement on finding that you relate to fictional charactersâ narratives in the wrong way, justifying your own attachments to characters and works as progressive, etc...).
By putting these arguments in a very explicit and ridiculous form (having Gamzee speak on whether he personally deserves a âredemption arcâ), and then having the narrator and also popular characters such as Terezi dismiss them, Vâs stance is fairly clear - at least these particular readings of Gamzee are to be dismissed. Terezi comments:
JOHN: apparently weâre going to let him have a âredemption arcâ?
TEREZI: H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4
JOHN: yeah, itâs...
JOHN: well, what is there to even say?
JOHN: itâs literally the dumbest fucking idea iâve ever heard, but what can you do.
TEREZI: SHOV3 H1M B4CK 1N TH4T FR1DG3 4ND THROW 1T 1N TH3 OC34N, 1S WH4T
Thereâs two ways the story can go from here. One might be that this is the last weâre going to hear about Gamzee, itâs just a quick fuck you to one particular set of readings of Homestuck, and then on to whatever V considers more important. Another is that, a more subtle story is about to be told than the deliberately absurd framing here.
I should state my own stance, since itâs probably going to be relevant. I had a friend who cared a great deal about Gamzee, in part because he was essentially a chew toy in the latter part of the comic, who could be treated violently without consequence, which - as far as I understand their feelings - my friend found meaningful in relation to their own experiences of abuse.
I recall thinking there was some credence to âmind controlâ interpretations, which posit that the difference between Gamzeeâs chill affect early on and his ludicrously violent behaviour later was the control of Doc Scratch and other agents of Lord English; Gamzee in this reading is aware, and horrified (as hinted at by a brief window where Araneaâs mind control is released during the Game Over arc and he is âhimselfâ again, and cries and begs for mercy, before once again becoming extremely violent). Whether this is the case during the âfridgeâ section is not clear. This goes some way to explaining why Gamzee is indestructible, and mutely devoted to assisting Caliborn when Caliborn treats him with nothing but violence.
In this reading, Gamzee is a tragic character to the point of absurdity. He is forced to witness another person committing horrific actions with his body, and then abandoned by those whoâd care for him because they do not recognise the mind control. His only escape from one mind controller is another one.
However, thatâs just a reading. For fans who identify strongly with Terezi, Gamzee is often interpreted as her abuser due to the effect his relationship is shown to have during the asteroid voyage (pre-Game Over). To these readers, people - such as my friend - who identify with Gamzee are engaging in apologetics for abuse.
Because this is so fraught, I am not going to make any claim that a particular reading of Gamzee is âunambiguously trueâ. I think a third interpretation is the âshitty writingâ one, that Hussie basically intended Gamzee as a joke character, not one with interiority. Heâs a scary clown! Perhaps he didnât realise how strongly this character, who from the start was presented as someone to laugh at, would resonate with the readers.
I hope that this discussion gives some sense of the different possible nuances of Gamzee, and I am hoping that this epilogue will not simply be a polemic for one particular reading.
now, chapter 3+
I read the first two chapters right after I heard about the upd8. From now on, this will be a true âlivereadâ, i.e. written alongside my first readthrough of the story.
At this point we switch viewpoint character to Dirk! This is a very short chapter: Dirk cancels âeverythingâ - all his ongoing plans - and does not explain why to Jane, or Jake. Whatever the reason is, itâs very bad news and has a short time limit.
Apparently Johnâs decision to say has had some kind of metaphysical effect, which causes Roseâs mysterious malady - and her various anxieties concerning âcanonâ - to dissipate.
So she gets to spend some time with Kanaya. This is nice - we barely got to see Rose and Kanaya together as a couple in canon. Itâs a sweet conversation... and makes me worry about whatâs going to happen in the âMeatâ route.
Thereâs a little clarifying on Jade, Dave and Karkatâs relationship now...
JADE: i never thought id be thinking of you as my weird nerd friend by the time we were in our twenties
Itâs a weird, intimate, and uncomfortably close to sexual thing to be doing in front of other people. Dave and Karkat share a vaguely mortified look. Jade sort of lives here, but she doesnât that sort of live here.
The expression is so warm and blatant that it canât help but draw Jadeâs attention. She frowns and pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose, making some quick calculations in her head. Theyâre so obvious, she thinks, and yet here they are. Virginal losers who are performative about sitting exactly a foot apart whenever theyâre in public. Itâs so pathetic it makes her want to howl at the moon in sorrow.Â
so i guess weâre going to have a jade working very hard on getting dave and karkat together type arc
well i guess we are but oof, jade what the hell... jade decides to like, go in with all the subtlety of a train, aggressively flirt with karkat, up to the point of like, putting her fingers in his mouth... which to him is just like, a straight up assault. but itâs them who are âhopelessâ, not her...
dave very awkwardly changes the subject to talk about the possible Jane presidency. apparently, Jane is very xenophobic towards trolls (which didnât seem immediately apparent from the comic but I might have forgotten tbh). Karkat speaks of âthe potential genocide of my peopleâ
DAVE: but i dont think shed go so far as to commit genocide
DAVE: thats really exaggerating her faults
DAVE: like wed have to get pretty far away from the people we were when we started all this for that to be a viable outcome
...phrasing it like that... makes me rather apprehensive!
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P-P-P-Play that shit: ptv analysis - Part 2
 Hi whatâs up everyone and welcome to this weekâs pew news. This is a continuation of my last post where I pretty much summed up Pierce The Veilâs career from the beginning to present and gave an overview of their rise and downfall. You can check it out here, but if you already know about everything or have read it already then feel free to ignore it. In any case, I was originally gonna make these two posts as one but ran out of room bc who the hell would read that much text in a blog post (me) so here you go - part two of this fucking conspiracy theory because I didnât even get to share any of my thoughts in the last one. (I also forgot to put headers with each new topic smh apologies to the English language)
Edit: itâs been fucking eons since I wrote the last one/started writing this one like legit I even changed my user. The reason why this has been put off for so long will be explained later but yh smh
Gigantic obligatory disclaimer: Everything that I will discuss whether it be in this post or my last, or any future posts that relate to this subject IS NOT going to touch on the subject of the âsexual relations with a minorâ incident in itself. I will not go into detail about my own views on this specific matter as there is literally no way to win because whatever I say could be taken out of context by literally anyone. That being said, I do not condone pedophilia, I do not condone sexual harassment or rape, and I do not undermine the importance of consent. I respect the laws of different states, as I know they vary with time and place, and I understand that everyone has their own opinions and I do not wish to impose my own onto others.
In regards to this, however, I do have to acknowledge that I, first and foremost, do not think that Mike Fuentes is innocent, and I strongly believe that how the band handled this situation was just plain terrible, but I do also have to acknowledge the fact that this situation is to stay between the accuser and the victim, as well as their respective legal teams and that I should not go nosedive headfirst into anything like this when it does not directly affect or require my judgement as a necessity, lest I face any legalities or blacklash as a result. Furthermore, everything that I will be talking about are conspiracies only and I do not in any way assume or imply that any of this is true.
In other words, I donât mean to offend anyone but if you end up getting offended then thatâs on you, not me. Letâs begin.
IntroductionÂ
The points that I am trying to highlight in this essay post is, in simple words, that Pierce The Veilâs... well, everything, comes off as kind of a conspiracy, almost, to me. I have had these thoughts for a long-ish time, and so this post is basically me finally making a post that covers all things that I have been thinking of in the past. Unlike my previous post, this one is a lot less fact-based and a lot more opinionated, so if youâre not into that, then thatâs fair. Otherwise, I will be discussing the following things (in this order): the topic of kellic, Misadventures, and the accusation + response.
When Life Gives You Lemons, You Ship Them Together And Call It Lemonade
I refer to my last post and assume that everyone understands how âkellicâ came to be and what it means. To summarise to the bare minimum best of my abilities, itâs the ship name of Vic Fuentes and Kellin Quinn, aka what people call it when someone wants or is keen on the idea of these two frontmen having an affair with each other in a (typically) fictional setting. It happens all the time, especially in this day and age where you can easily just find someone with the same obsession as you with a click of a button. Thatâs why King For A Day, and inadvertently Collide With The Sky, became such a huge success. It appealed to the right demographic of teenagers and tweens who were ecstatic at the prospect of shipping, and went on to achieve even more impressive feats following that. How you ask? Well, by going on a tour around the world of course. Together. Playing shows every night that ends with one of them literally carrying the other off the stage. Gotta give the people what they want, hey?
I have a strong belief that the key to success is through beating the system at its own game. In this case, the game is simple - get fans, get money. Unfortunately, as we all know, getting fame isnât as easy as simply earning it through grit and determination. To achieve fame, one must find a way to do something at the right time in the right way so that people will notice. If one person does, and your fire doesnât die out right away, then youâve got yourself a forest fire. Then later on, all you gotta do is keep this forrest fire going, but assuming that there isnât someone standing on the other side with the whole fire departmentâs resources in tow, then the only thing stopping this fire is itself, because with all things in life, fire dies out, and fame stops accumulating after a while if nothing is done about it. Humans need entertainment. If something starts to fail to pique their interests, then they move on. Thatâs why YouTubers are required to change up their content every now and again in order to try and relight that spark they once had, and even then thereâs a good chance that they wonât.Â
I was originally going to write another blog essay about this whole YouTube analogy thing but quickly realised that for one, I donât have time bc Iâm getting my ass fucked by university on a daily basis;Â and that for another, thereâs most likely a billion other videos or essays about this topic as is, so Iâll just link one or two of them here. I havenât watched them all yet or I donât remember much of them, but all they do is pretty much summarise up stuff like how YouTubers become successful and their downfalls and all that, and even though they kinda focus on a specific person or group of people, I feel like it could be generalised.
Even without the YouTube metaphor, we know shipping works. It is evident in multiple works across various media that giving the fans what they want is often what gives these people their continued success, such as Dan Howell and Phil Lester, who have all but stopped trying to create their own individual branding (save for their separate merch stores that are probably there just to get more people to buy their overpriced clothing), and who at this point have become such an overused example that I actually hesitated writing that. Why do you think movies and shows and cartoons mostly have a romantic subplot? Romance is an essential trope in literature and easily one of the most popular genre out there for various reasons. According to a Bustle article written in 2016, romance often gives the readers a sense of hope or gives them a way to live out their fantasies in the easiest way possible, and while this may not apply to everyone, (personally Iâm not a romance fan much at all but I can appreciate good literature), itâs hard to deny the phrase âsex sellsâ.
Given that, youâd think that any company with half a brain would learn to exploit it, but for some reason this wasnât the case in Pierce The Veilâs management, and no matter how I look at it, I canât really see the reason why. Itâs not like the band members are uncomfortable with the ship - Jaime Preciado has been seen kissing Vic Fuentes on stage (not on the lips guys chill) (I had forgotten how fucking difficult it takes to find this one specific clip so hereâs a couple different fuenciado pictures instead to make up for it smfh), and Vic Fuentes has mentioned kellic in a live stream once jokingly - and Kellin Quinn is notoriously known for being completely okay with it (so long as he doesnât have to look at it), so just what is the reason?
This Ainât A Hiatus, Itâs A Goddamned Arms Race
Iâd be lying if I didnât miss all the memes that all stemmed from the Pierce The Veil boys not being able to release an album when theyâd promised, before postponing said album yet again and disappearing off of the face of the earth digitally for another year or two, giving them a total of four years as their unofficial, unannounced hiatus. For this, I have several questions.
We all know Vic Fuentes loves taking his sweet ass time releasing music - heâs admitted to remaking his first album a second time before releasing it, as stated an interview a couple years back - but you canât honestly tell me their management just let them get away with it. Sure, through this time theyâve been pushing out new merch to no end, but something tells me that this giant gap theyâve wedged between the new album and Collide With The Sky isnât gonna be good publicity, despite all the memes thatâve sprouted from it. Thereâs been fans who stopped taking interest in this band because of it, as well as fans who have just gotten fed up with having to wait so long. They scrapped a whole completed album in the process of creating Misadventures too, and while itâs not uncommon for bands to throw away near-completed ideas at whim, itâs also not unlikely for there to be some external factors or reasoning behind why they did it. Could it be that the album they threw away stayed too close to their roots and management or some other person told the band to start again, so that they can create something more appealing to this day and age? Or could it be something else that is hard to see at face-value?
Youâll Never Get Ahold Of Me Now
Finally, Iâm gonna address the overdue elephant in the room. If you want to read the full thing, here it is because Iâm tired of having to reiterate what happened. Mike Fuentes received a sexual allegation by some girl(s) and the band released a shitty statement that has since gotten deleted - thatâs the general gist of it.Â
Like I said, itâs been literal months (or weeks idk my perception of time is severely fucked) since I actually started making this post so literally no one cares anymore, but regardless of what past me has promised or written down, Iâm not going to be discussing the allegation in itself, but rather what and/or how the band and their subsequent management has handled it, in that they handled it so bad that I honestly canât believe they did it like that.Â
Edit: I wasnât gonna bother finding another copy of the statement bc no oneâs gonna give a shit but then Iâd be doing some baseless shit and I honestly canât stand people who half ass these things, despite my growing urge to do the same thing, so hereâs the statement.Â
For starters, who the hell waits one whole month before releasing a statement? From what I can remember, their excuse was allegedly that pretty much management forbade them to talk or make a statement about it earlier for... reasons? (Just realised I donât actually have the source for this so idk take it with a grain of salt I guess because I was sure I had read this somewhere but I canât back it up.)Â
Thatâs not even the worst part, either. The statement itself gave zero closure to literally everything. Yes, they acknowledged the allegation, but thatâs just about as far as they went. The whole point of a statement is to clear things up, whether the accuser was right or wrong, and what steps will be taken from there, whether an apology is to be issued or not. No shit you know about the incident, who in the fandom wouldnât? Instead pointing out the straight up obvious, what they shouldâve done was 1) not waited an entire fucking month before talking about it, most likely hoping the whole thing to blow over by then and 2) actually talked about the incident in their statement instead of tiptoeing around the subject like some sort of time bomb ready to go off. There is no right or wrong answer, because literally all they had to do was tell the truth - as in write down a statement from Mike (not the whole fucking band mind you) about his take on the whole thing or get him to say what had happened from his point of view. Then resolve it privately with your legal team and whatnot if they really feel the need. Hell, all he needed to do was apologise. Whether something like that classifies as assault or rape or whatever is up to you but the fact of the matter is that sheâs underaged at that point in time. Even if she was fully aware of the risks and whatnot and gave legitimate consent, under the eyes of the law and pretty much 80% of the people reacting to this incident, it will be deemed illegal and inappropriate behaviour. All these people had to do was literally just be open and honest about it regardless of whatever the hell happened, because this is all happening on a public platform where everyone can see/read it to their heartsâ content. Viewers canât judge or make a decision to support or not support you if you donât tell them your side of the story, so for the love of god, why the hell didnât they?
The statement was filled with bullshit about how they love the fans and all that shit, and honestly my thoughts can be accurately summed up in this video right here. So much backlash could have potentially been avoided had they just told it as it is, because now all we have is a vague ass response that gives no closure and tell us nothing as to whether Mike actually did it or not, because in the statement he manage to spout some bullshit about how heâs ânever intentionally manipulated or abused anyone in [his] lifeâ and that heâs just a ball of empathy which at first glance could suggest he at least thinks heâs innocent, but then they go on to say how Mikeâs taking a temporary leave from the band for, you guessed it, absolutely no reason. At least, no reason that theyâve given us (what else is new) (Iâm becoming more petty as the night drags on itâs literally 1am). Honestly, .@piercetheveil, please tell me why the honest to god fuck did you have him leave just after suggesting that he might be innocent? I know the world isnât black and white but when youâre making a stance and defending yourself or admitting to something, it really is - black and white that is. Either youâre innocent or believe that youâre innocent and stand your ground by not leaving the band, or you admit that you are guilty, in which case your leaving of the band would actually feel justified, because now itâs like youâre gonna come back as well, so what does that even mean? Mike isnât gone indefinitely, he hasnât pleaded guilty or innocent, and now the band is telling us they love us? Fuck out of here with that bullshit.
Yes, I support the bandâs decision to pull out of the All Time Low tour and to not have Mike out there in case fans feel threatened or unsafe or whatnot, but if youâre pleading innocent, then honestly the whole band shouldâve just said âhey weâre gonna go on hiatus for a while until our legal teamâs finished with taking care of everythingâ, and not just said hey guys weâre gonna kick him out because he may or may not have done something that weâre not gonna tell you because weâre shady fuckers like that. I know they are on hiatus right now, but at the âstartâ, they only said that Mike would be withdrawing temporarily or whatever so itâs kind of like, okay? Sure? Itâs a right mess I assure you. Honestly, throughout this whole incident, it was this statement part that made me really fed up with this band. My interest in them had died down significantly from since I hit fifteen all those three years ago, and right now when I dug up an old iPod shuffle to bring with me to university to save my phone battery throughout the day, I can honestly say that I wonât be adding any Pierce The Veil songs onto it anytime soon unless I get peer pressured to. Personally, I feel like thatâs kind of the mentality of a lot of had-been Pierce The Veil fans, too.
Thatâs Great And All But Whatâs Your Point?
Pierce The Veilâs management sucks ass.
Thereâs no easy, lawsuit-prone way for me to say it but, and this is just a conspiracy theory I swear to god if I get the fucking ASIS kicking down my door in the middle of the night you better read the fucking disclaimer, thereâs obviously some shady shit going on in there no matter what way you slice it. Either theyâre sabotaging Pierce The Veilâs success or whether itâs all some big confusion or misunderstanding, or if theyâre just plain dumb, we can all agree that this whole thing - the kellic fan service, album making, allegations and subsequent statements - shouldâve and couldâve been handled a hell of a lot more gracefully and professionally. Believe it or not, waiting until things blow over is frankly just childish and solves literally nothing, so either they can pull their act together quickly with this next âspecial secretâ album to redeem what little quality/dignity they have left, or they can just fade away into irrelevancy and become a band that no one cares about anymore.Â
History repeats itself. This band is quickly becoming just another Leafyishere, and as ominous as that sounds, itâs honestly not unlikely at this point. I am intrigued as to where they go from here, because if they manage to breakthrough again, then I would be very surprised given their current situation. I want to know how they choose to handle this - whether itâll be the same or not, weâll just have to wait and see.
Thank you so much if you read through this honestly like I am beyond happy that this is fucking over because I have a bunch of non-band related post essays Iâve been meaning to post but this oneâs been nagging at the back of my mind for the past few months or however long itâs been. Iâve clocked in at around past 3k words for this one, and none of this is edited because Iâm honestly so done with this you donât understand. Like I said before, this took ages because I was gonna make another post talking about other shit that relates to this before realising that thereâs way too many people thatâve addressed the whole YouTube thing so me doing it would literally be pointless, and even though no one really reads this shit, as big of a nerd as I am, I do enjoy writing bullshit because maybe then Iâll stop ranting to my friends and family about topics they donât care about.
Regardless, thatâs it for this two parter thing, and until next time or whatever.
Catchâya x
#pierce the veil#ptv#vic fuentes#mike fuentes#jaime preciado#Tony perry#kellic#kellin quinn#fuenciado#bands#music#emo#misadventures#collide with the sky#selfish machines#a flair for the dramatic#alternative press#rocksound#kerrang#altpress#perrentes#snatched#essays#rants and whatnot#shit talking
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