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rocksinmuffin · 2 years ago

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answering a bunch of things under the read more.

No, sorry, I know of the game itself but am unfamiliar with the lore and the fandom.

Sorry. I’ve seen a playthrough of one of the games forever ago but it’s not really my jam.

Yeah! Back in the day, Red vs Blue was my jam. I can’t say I’m familiar with any of the newer stuff once they actually started doing their own animation, but if you want something from the original old silly universe then I would be comfortable with that. Sheila is a queen and I would fight Caboose for her.

My first experience with a Kevin Smith movie was seeing Clerks 2 in movie theaters and I did not get the hype then. I think the Jay and Silent Bob characters are fun but otherwise I am not really a fan of his work.

SAD!!!! Honestly, though, I spent so much time on Luna so sad to see what happened to it. A lot of great works were lost. I will forever miss you strangely sexually-charged Valtiel fic. F

I’m genuinely not sure if this was meant to be a request or if you were just telling me in general about the tall dark and handsome dudes in the Gargoyles cartoon but you’re right. Lowkey had a crush on Goliath.

Hey anon! Glad you’re enjoying the blog and sorry for any issues you might have experienced. Honestly, it is impossible for me to say whether the request sent or not because, whether you meant two days or two weeks, I get multiple requests so without any further details there’s no real way of me knowing which one is yours. Still, if you’re nervous it didn’t get through for any reason, you are more than welcome to resend it. If I got the original then there is no problem and I can just delete one of the duplicates.

I haven’t watched or seen it, so as of now I would not write for it. However, it looks interesting enough so I might try watching it sometime in the future. If I like it then I could potentially write for it in the future.

Not really anymore. Trippin’ Balls was in its peak back when I was still writing on Lunaescence and I hadn’t even heard of Tumblr. I’d take requests from people in the reviews and so on. But now that I have a Tumblr and requests are open in general it feels kind of silly to continue taking requests for that specific old series when you can just ask me to write for anyone right here. Though this did remind me that I had a piece on the Ginyu Force that I never uploaded to AO3 (I think I posted it somewhere on this blog but for whatever reason never uploaded it to the actual story on AO3) so I will do that and make it the final update.

You are so motherfuckin real for this 😎✊ Theo fuckers unite!!!!

I am so fuckin sorry fam because I know the pain of being in a small fandom that is desperate for content but I have literally never heard of this in my life. I hope one day an artist you really admire starts posting stuff for you to enjoy 🙏

I’m gonna be real with you, I have never watched a Nintendo Direct in my life. I did hear about them finally announcing the sequel to Breath of the Wild though and if Sidon is in it I will never shut up about it.

Doctor Who is already on my list of series I don’t write for. I have a feeling if I had a normal exposure to Buffy the Vampire Slayer that I would enjoy it, however, the only times I ever caught it on TV the absolute worst/darkest episodes were on. One was an episode where Buffy was in a psych ward because they were doing a whole thing where her life as a vampire slayer was all in her head or some shit. And the other episode I saw had a vampire that ate skin and he would skin his victims alive and I remember him using his sharp nail to cut a slice of skin off his victim and it fucked me up. So, yeah, I never wanted to watch Buffy atter that lol. So no Buffy either.

Eh, probably not. I mean, I watched the first season on Netflix and I enjoyed it but it also didn’t stick with me enough for me to remember anyone’s names. So unless another season releases where it is easily accessible for me to watch it and I am SUPER into it then probably not anytime soon.

You are so real for this. Like, Borderlands is a very dated series but I genuinely enjoyed playing 1 and 2 a couple years ago and I love Claptrap. I felt so bad when no one else came to his party. I will always go to Claptrap’s parties. he is my homie.

I never heard of this and when I went to look it up I was expecting some kind of animated movie or something but it was literally a movie starring Tom Hanks?????? Like, I’m not shocked that you are recommending it as a good movie I was just genuinely so shocked to have a movie with a big star like him completely slip under my radar.

Nah, sorry. I vaguely remember this show running on adult swim for a small amount of time but I never watched it.

Yeah, I mean, I still write stuff for Dragon Ball and Piccolo. I never stopped. It’s just what people are requesting. You are more than welcome to send a Piccolo request my way. But also you guys must understand I have been so explicitly clear in the past about how I headcannon that Namekians don’t have junk so if every request I get is about Piccolo banging the reader with his big meaty cock then I am probably going to feel less inspired to write that since it is just not how I picture him.

I haven’t watched it but he seems hot as far as furries go. But I would probably have to see the movie to get the full context to understand WHY he is so hot because apparently, against all odds, this movie is really good? Or so I’ve heard.

Hard to keep track since I get new requests every day and not everything in my inbox is strictly a request but as of right now my inbox is showing about 177 messages. So, nothing too wild. But I’m also not forcing myself to answer every request if I don’t want to either so right now the numbers are constantly fluctuating and mean nothing.

To be honest, while I have fondness for the old game, I haven’t really paid attention to Overwatch since they dropped the hamster as a character and I stopped actually playing it even earlier. As far as I’m concerned, it stopped being a fun game when you could no longer have a team of all Winstons.

I used to watch it but not religiously or anything. And, honestly, I have no plans of watching it or giving it any support in the future in light of the recent news about Justin Roiland’s domestic abuse charges.

I haven’t but maybe now I will because I am digging butch dino lady.

Sorry, but no. I have browsed past it before in an fye but have never actually watched it.

Okay, so!!!! I think I have watched the first 2 seasons of the show and I would be willing to write my little pony friendship is magic. HOWEVER! No NSFW. And honestly if I write it then it would probably be a shitpost.

I did try it out a long time ago and as a whole I have a lot of mixed feelings because some of the writing is genuinely very good but frankly none of that excuses the overly sexual depictions and drawings of characters who are meant to be children and it is such a shame that this LGBT+ friendly game with some very hot buff furry characters also feels comfortable enough drawing kids with bulges in their pants.

#ask #anon #rantsinmuffin #long post #will i won’t i

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latte-fairytaekwoon · 4 years ago

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𝐷𝑖𝑙𝑓!𝐴𝑡𝑒𝑒𝑧: 𝑆𝑒𝑥 𝑇𝑎𝑝𝑒 𝐺𝑒𝑡𝑠 𝐿𝑒𝑎𝑘𝑒𝑑 (𝑅𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑)

Warnings: NSFW content. Aged up/Older Ateez but age differences are still within legal boundaries. Allusions to infidelity. Also contains major spoiler for the dilf!Yeosang fic.

❥𝓚𝓲𝓶 𝓗𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓳𝓸𝓸𝓷𝓰

"Hongjoong? Hongjoong baby?"

You lightly tapped his cheek in an effort to wake him up from his nap on the couch. Fluttering his eyes open, he yawned softly, almost an exact replica of how your son often would.

"What? Is it dinnertime already?" He asked while sitting up.

"Almost, but I noticed your phone was going crazy with notifications so I thought it must be something important."

Kissing his sleepy face, you chuckled and returned to the kitchen before anything accidentally burned. Fixing his hair, Hongjoong picked up his phone to see about 10 missed calls, 20 unread messages and a dozen emails all from different people, most of them from his fellow teachers at the university. Scanning through the first few, Hongjoong became wide awake and immediately began looking back to see the email he had sent right before going to sleep.

"Ok food is- what's going on?" You noticed how agitated he looked.

"Um...well.... funny story. You know how I was supposed to send in my report to the administration? I might have accidentally attached the wrong file on there.." He sheepishly admitted to you.

By his tone, you knew it was probably something serious.

"Ok and what was the file?"

Hongjoong grabbed your arm and placed you next to him.

"You're gonna want to be seated for this."

Hongjoong opened the file and held the phone out for you to see. You widened your eyes as you saw it was the old video he had taken of you sucking him off for the first time when you were at the university. You couldn't help the tiny grin tugging your lips as your loud slurping sounds blasted through the speakers.

"Fuck! Miss Y/N, do you really enjoy sucking cock so much?" Hongjoong's raspy voice was heard on the background, one of his hands holding the back of your head to plunge your mouth further down onto his length. You were seen moaning dramatically as you pulled away slightly, drool falling down your chin.

"I used to, but now I think I'll only love sucking cocks that are as big as yours." You winked as your hand pumped along his shaft, your tongue coming out to swirl around his head.

"Still think a pretty young thing like me can't take a cock like yours Mr. Kim?"

Getting so flustered, Hongjoong stopped the video and ran a hand through his hair as he waited for your outburst. When you were silent for a while, he looked over and was confused to see you smiling.

"I can't believe you kept that after all this time." You giggled as your hands cupped his cheeks.

"Well I.... I just like reminiscing about the old times when you used to give me the best suck of my life."

You raised an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean used to Kim Hongjoong?"

Hongjoong flushed even more when you came down and sat in front of him as you began pulling his pants down.

"I can still give a blowjob that'll leave you breathless."

❥𝓟𝓪𝓻𝓴 𝓢𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝔀𝓪

"Well it seems your wife and her lawyer have decided to stoop low in methods to stop the divorce from happening."

Seonghwa's lawyer seemed uneasy about telling you guys about it.

"What did that witch do now?" Seonghwa could already feel a headache coming.

"She submitted a video for the judge and other attorneys to view and hopefully use against you.. but the nature of it...... well it's not exactly something we can show in the courtroom but most of us lawyers have unfortunately seen it."

Leaving the laptop open and sliding it forward to you both, the lawyer stood up and cleared his throat.

"I thought perhaps you two would want to take a look and decide what you'll want to do after this." The poor man left the room, feeling embarrased for you.

You were the one who leaned forward to press play. Seonghwa and you stiffened in your seats when you saw it was an old video you had taken during one of the nights he often went over to your place after one of the many fights he'd have with his wife.

"How did she even get a hold of this?" You asked but you weren't really paying attention to your question and neither was Seonghwa, both of you just watched the screen in front of you, seeing the erotic action unfold.

"Shit! Look at you, all stuffed to the brim with my cum, it's leaking out of you."

Your body jolted underneath Seonghwa as his hips once again slammed into yours, your body aching from the overstimulation he had already been giving you for the past hour but you didn't want him to stop, even after he had cum inside you three times already.

"Keep my cum inside your body my little slut. Don't drop any of it out." His voice was raspy and hoarse as he continued his merciless pounding into you.

You looked like a mess by then, your face was buried on the pillow, nails nearly tearing the sides of it and even though it was muffled, your screams of pleasure could still be distinguished through it.

"I'm gonna breed you my little bunny. Stuff your little hole until you're carrying my babies."

Yanking your hair, Seonghwa pulled you so your back was pressed against his chest.

"Cause that's what you promised me right? You promised you'd let fuck my babies in you right?" He cooed as he nipped at your neck.

You whimpered loudly and nodded at him, tears falling out of your eyes.

"Yes! Please! Breed me Mr. Park. I wanna get fucked with your babies." You begged him, your face scrunching up as another orgasm was being pulled out of you.

Seonghwa and you sat there silently after watching all that, taking it all in. It was him who broke the ice by spinning his chair to you and looking all too smug.

"Well I did knock you up didn't I?"

❥𝓙𝓮𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓾𝓷𝓱𝓸

Yunho calmly scrolled over the messages in the group chat he had with his friends, all of them bragging or retelling about what they had done over the course of their vacation.

"What'd you do Yunho?" "Something boring probably."

He rolled his eyes at Jongho's sense of humor.

"I actually had a lot of fun at the waterpark with Y/N and my son. I even have a cute video of it."

Scrolling through his gallery, he didn't realize he accidentally clicked on the wrong video thinking it was the one you took as your son was learning to swim. Confidently pressing send, Yunho waited for them to coo over his boy as they always did when anyone shared pictures of their kids.

"Um.... Yunho? What exactly am I watching?" Seonghwa asked while Hongjoong just replied with a shocked faced emoji.

"Damn, did you have fun turning that bed of yours into a waterpark?" Wooyoung added with a winky face emoji.

Wondering what the hell they were talking about, Yunho opened the video he sent and his face fell when he realized what it actually was that he had sent.

"Yu-Yunho.... too big. I can't." You whimpered pathetically on his screen, your hands rubbing along where his bulge poked out on your abdomen.

"Yes you can baby, you've taken all of me before." He reminded you as he slowly stuffed more of his cock inside you until he bottomed out and his cock was enveloped in your walls.

"There? You see. Your tight pussy can fit me just fine."

Feeling so full yet not having him move inside you, you began whining and clenched around him.

"Yunho, please fuck my tight pussy. I wanna get destroyed by your cock. Please." You begged him.

"Awww do you want me to fuck you dumb with my huge cock? Is that what you want?" His mocking tone was unmistakable even if his face wasn't shown.

"I'm gonna fuck you til you're crying baby, don't say you didn't ask for this."

The rest of the video transpired with his grunts and your whimpering. Yunho's cock disappeared in and out of you at a brutal pace, one of his large hands holding you down so you couldn't move away from him. He ripped orgasm after orgasm out of you until your eyes rolled to the back of your head and you began squirting all over the sheets.

"Fuckfuckfuck! Yunho!" You cried out, unable to stop shaking as he just continued his pace and made you squirt all over again.

"That's it. Be a good girl and squirt more for me. By the time I'm done, all you're gonna remember is this feeling of me breaking you."

Yunho was giggling out of embarrassment now that he knew what his friends saw.

"All of you delete this right now and pretend it never happened."

❥𝓚𝓪𝓷𝓰 𝓨𝓮𝓸𝓼𝓪𝓷𝓰

Yeosang looked down beyond the railing on top of the staircase. Although he should have been horrified, disgusted or the slightest bit sad, his face showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever. He just looked at the scene with no remorse, no emotion and nothing at all.

"Sir?" His trusted butler immediately came up, hands behind his back as he awaited for any instructions

"Take care of this Damian. And make sure no one knows about this. If anyone else knows.... take care of them too." He ordered.

The proper English butler let out a chilling smile as he adjusted his cuff links, happy to be able to put his hidden talents to use.

"Rest assured Sir, no one will suspect a thing." He walked away with chest up and shoulders back.

Meanwhile Yeosang turned his attention back to you, who was sitting with back pressed against the wall, eyes shot wide open as your body couldn't stop trembling and shaking from what had just happened. Kneeling in front of you, Yeosang cupped your face, trying to get you to calm down he began hushing you close to your ear.

"It's ok baby. You're ok, you're going to be ok. And our baby is ok." He cooed at you as he stroked your hair.

"She's..she's..." You couldn't form a proper sentence as your mind replayed everything what just happened.

You had just returned from a small trip to the store and went to your room, only to find Mrs. Kang in there, back turned to you.

"Madame? Is there something I can help you with?" You offered.

When the lady turned to look at you, her face was tear strung and red from all the crying she had done, not from heartbreak, but from rage. In her hand, she had your phone and your heart dropped as you heard what it was that she had been looking at.

"I knew you were probably nothing more than a low, poor common whore, but to actually know you slept with my husband!"

You gasped when she came up and slapped you harshly across the face before yanking your hair and throwing you on the ground. Your hands immediately clasped around your belly protectively and the lady's face fell in shock.

"Don't tell me that the bastard you're carrying is actually..." She clasped a hand over her mouth as it all made sense to her now.

You couldn't help the tears that sprung out from your eyes. This was not what you wanted to happen

"I'm sorry, I-"

You began screaming when she suddenly pulled you up and began dragging you out of the room and into the hallway. When she pressed you up against the railing, you began to fearfully fight back for your and your baby's life, desperately trying to get out of the mad woman's grip.

"I'm going to fucking kill you! You and your child! How dare you do this to me?!"

❥𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓢𝓪𝓷

"How was I supposed to know there would be a camera right in the middle of the beach placed on a totally secluded place? I mean come on! Hardly anyone ever goes to that spot, why install security cameras on a place hardly anyone goes to?!" San tried to justify himself as you both looked at the computer screen in front of you.

"Maybe precisely because people prefer going to secluded places to do illegal activities?" You glared at him.

"In my defense, it's not like we were hiding a dead body." San wanted to lighten up the mood.

You groaned as you covered your face.

"Why did I even agree to letting you fuck me in public at a beach?"

San rolled his eyes at you.

"Oh stop. You could have said no many times but instead you actually begged me to go harder on you. Don't believe me? I got evidence to back me up."

Pressing play once again, San nudged you so you could look at the video playing again. The good thing about it was that it happened during the night so your faces weren't that visible. But it was clear enough for anyone to see what was going on.

It happened during the vacation you two took to the beach. While talking a midnight stroll through a lonely part of the beach, San had gotten a little too wild and began groping you.

"San! Right now?" You squeaked when he cupped your breasts from behind, pulling your biking top to the side so he could squeeze them better.

"I'm feeling a little romantic babygirl. Wanna have my way with you right here." He whispered in your ear as a hand dipped inside your bikini bottoms, rubbing along your clit.

Your legs were turning to jelly the more you felt his caresses and the steamy kisses he pressed along your shoulder blades.

"If you'd rather go back to the hotel room, I'll carry you there right now." He offered as he began his pull his hands away.

"No! Fuck me right here." You told him.

"I knew you'd open up to the idea." He chuckled as he layed down on the sand, pulling you on top of him.

Both of your swimwear was soon discarded and you were bouncing on top of your husband's cock as the moonlight illuminated your sweaty and dewy bodies. Even after you had both came, you were begging San to keep going, which prompted him to grip your hips and start ramming up into you as he sputtered out words about making another baby with you.

Your lips were still pursed tightly even after the video was over. San stroked your hair and kissed the top of your head in an effort to calm your worries.

"If it makes you feel better....... the camera really captured your gorgeous figure." He snickered and held his hands up protectively when you started smacking him.

❥𝓢𝓸𝓷𝓰 𝓜𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓲

"You like that my little slut? Like being treated like this?" Mingi's deep voice asked as he tugged on the leash that was wrapped around your neck.

You grunted when he pulled you forward, the tip of his cock pressing against your lips and nose. Your mouth instantly parted, tongue licking the underside of his shaft.

"Such a dirty little cockslut." He teased you.

"Only for you daddy." You winked up at him but were met with a harsh slap on your face.

"Did I say you could talk slut? I don't remember giving you permission to talk." He harshly said.

"Why don't you shut me up then?" You challenged him.

Mingi plunged his cock deep inside your mouth, stuffing himself down your throat, making you gag around his long length. Using the leash, he kept pulling your face to and fro so he could fuck your face. You were moaning and choking all over his cock, spit running down your chin and onto the floor as his tip hit the back of your throat.

"Oh fuck!" Mingi cried out as he pulled out to cum on your face, splattering his hot liquid all over your forehead, cheeks and your tongue as you had it stuck out to eat up some of his cum. Mingi's thumb grazed over your swollen and red lower lip, pinching it slightly.

"You look so pretty like this." He said as he began tightening the leash around you.

"Well you did look pretty." You laughed when Mingi spoke up behind you.

"Shut up!" You pushed his face away when he began nuzzling his face against your cheek as he tried to keep you from freaking out over the fact one of your private videos had accidentally ended up online.

Mingi just chuckled and pulled you onto his lap.

"What are we going to do?" You sighed.

"Look on the bright side, your face was covered by the mask and no one really saw me so as far as anyone is concerned, it's an anonymous couple." He assured you. Wanting to get a little funny, he joked:

"Maybe we could even start an OnlyFans account."

You slapped his chest.

"Song Mingi!"

❥𝓙𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓦𝓸𝓸𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓰

Although Wooyoung should have been furious over the fact the CCTV footage of you two in the strip club you used to work in got uploaded without your permission onto an adult site, he was surprisingly calm.

"I could have sworn I payed them to turn the cameras off?" He questioned as he knew fully well that customers weren't allowed to touch the strippers, hence why he paid an expensive amount just to be able to get alone time with you.

"Clearly that didn't happen." You stated as you just watched the video play out in front of you. You weren't going to lie, besides the slight arousal it was giving you to watch the sex tape, it also made you feel fuzzy to remember how your relationship with Wooyoung started in the first place.

"One thousand dollars if you hop your pretty ass over here and bounce yourself on my cock."

Your naked figure wasted no time in going over to take him out of his confinement before fucking yourself on top of him. Wooyoung was spilling out a clutter of curses as he watched your ass bounce on his lap. Soon enough he was landing slaps on your skin until it became red, his hips fucking up into you.

"Your own place, monthly allowance and anything else you want if you leave this place and become my own personal fuck toy."

You nearly came at his words when he made his final offer.

"Fuck! Yes! I accept!" You exclaimed.

Shifting positions, Wooyoung got you on all fours on the couch as he began to relentlessly thrust into you from behind, his cock hitting deep inside you.

"You're my little fuck toy now beautiful. No one else gets to fuck this cunt of yours but me."

You let out a loud yelp that was probably heard outside the door when you felt his hand slap your clit.

"No one, got it?" He snarled at you.

Your thighs clenched together as he remembered how possessive he was, and still was, towards you.

"Did the video affect you so much?" You heard Wooyoung ask as his hands came up to rub your shoulders. You shivered when his teeth grazed at your earlobe.

"Cause I know it affected me."

❥𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓲 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓰𝓱𝓸

"Which one of those fuckers hacked into my personal computer and leaked this?"

Jongho single handedly split an apple which terrified the person in front of him.

"We don't know s-sir...." He trembled.

"Well find out who they were and report back to me, I want you to work fast too. Now get on it!" He ordered harshly.

You came into the office and were confused when a poor intern sped out of there looking like he saw a ghost. Closing the door behind you, you handed Jongho a folder.

"The vein on your forehead is sticking out, what happened?" You knew he was majorly stressing over something and it was probably no small thing.

Huffing, he turned the computer so it could face you.

"One of those fuckers out there got a hold of the systems and managed to hack into my computer. Not only that, they decided to spread a certain video around." He explained, fists clenching and unclenching.

"What video?" You asked.

"Press play and find out."

Doing as he said, you blushed when you saw it was an old video of a time when you and Jongho were still a secret couple. He had stayed over at your house and during the night, he had snuck into your room and crawled his way into your bed, which you allowed him to.

"Shhh. You gotta be quiet princess. Don't want to get caught by your dad right?"

You shook your head and bit down onto one of the plushies laying around you in an effort to muffle the sounds coming out of your mouth as Jongho's thick dick kept sliding in and out of you.

"This is so fucking dirty. I'm ruining you even more by fucking you in the bed you grew up in. Tell me how does it make you feel? To have me shove my cock deep in your pussy in your childhood bedroom while your parents are asleep? Are you enjoying it?"

You whined loudly and clenched more around him as your breathing became more labored and you panted like crazy.

"You enjoyed it so much, you ended up pregnant by me."

You lifted your head to see Jongho wink at you which made you giggle.

"You enjoyed it too, don't even lie."

Gifs not mine. Credit goes to their respective owners

#ateez #ateez reactions #ateez scenarios #ateez imagines #ateez smut #ateez fanfiction #ateez fanfic #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho #ateez fluff #ateez angst

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avnkin · 4 years ago

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Shake On It [ 2 ]

Author’s note: I was really in my harry feels whilst writing this so sorry about that lmao also I proofread this so many times and it still SUCKS ASS. I posted this entire thing earlier from my phone but tumblr deleted everything except the title so yeah I’m sorry if there aren’t italics and bolds on some of the words where they should be but i’m just to lazy to go through the entire thing and find them all again, maybe i’ll do it later but who knows. I do not own harry potter or the storyline/characters they are the intellectual property of J.K Rowling. (not my gif)

Word Count: 5.9k

Summary: There’s little to nothing Draco values more than his reputation so when he sees it slipping, he’ll do anything in his power to catch it.

Pairings: Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader / Platonic!Harry Potter x Fem!Reader

Warnings: angst, foul language, asshole!draco and daddy issues lol

This is an AU so all the information doesn’t exactly line up with the HP storyline for example Voldemort hasn’t returned but still exists so little from Harry’s history changes but Dumbledore’s still alive.

After yours and Draco’s interaction the other night you’d strongly begun reconsidering his offer to accompany him to the ball, maybe he wasn’t as bad as you thought, I mean what’s the worst that could happen? So many things your anxiety was quick to answer, the most important one being that Harry and Ron would probably never speak to you again.

“Y/N are you even listening to me?” Hermione’s voice snapped you out of your trance, her blurry hand waving in front of your face, you quickly began blinking in an attempt to bring your surroundings back into focus, “sorry” you then muttered sending her an apologetic smile before gesturing for her to continue with whatever she’d been talking about.

“As I was saying, I need a cute date for the ball, who do you think will annoy Ron the most?” you were about to answer when a voice from behind you beat you to it.

“Annoy who the most?”

You rolled your eyes having a pretty clear idea of who it was, you reluctantly turned around your eyes immediately locking onto Draco’s who stood there in all his glory a smug smile plastered onto his lips as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“Excuse me who invited you to this conversation?” you retorted before turning back to Hermione who had an amused grin on her face causing you to lightly kick her from underneath the table, you didn’t want Draco putting two and two together and realizing you’d talked about him with Hermione.

“I was just wondering if you’d changed your mind about going with me to the ball” Draco cajoled causing your eyes to widen realizing you still hadn’t told Hermione about the fact he’d asked you in the first place.

You sent Hermione an an ‘i’ll tell you later’ look before twisting your body to face Draco’s who now had his hands placed in his robe pockets, his self assurance radiating off of him despite the fact you’d rejected him only days before, the boy had clearly never been told ‘no’ his entire life.

“No and I won’t be, so run along” you stated before making a shooing gesture with your hand which only seemed to have the opposite effect you’d intended it too, since he began to take a few steps forward, licking his lips as he looked you up and down.

“Yes you will” he stated matter of factly and it took all self control you had not to smack him right across the face, who did he think he was?

“Is it really that hard to get it into that tiny little brain of yours that there are girls alive who don’t like you” you practically growled missing how Hermione’s attention had drifted away from the scene unfolding before her and to the two figures who had begun making their way towards you.

“Yes because there aren’t an-”

“Malfoy find someone else to bother can’t you see she’s not interested” Harry cut him off as him and Ron now fully came into view, the two of them standing tall behind Draco whose attention had now shifted from you to them.

“Oh look who it is, dumb and dumber” chortles could be heard from the Slytherin table at Draco’s words causing you to roll your eyes, it was pathetic how they would lick up every single thing he did.

“Offers still there Y/L/N” Draco turned to you before he slowly started to ascend back towards the Slytherin table where he was greeted with numerous pats on the back as he squeezed himself in between Crabbe and Goyle.

“What a slimy git” Ron huffed as he took the seat next to yours, immediately beginning to scoop all the food in view onto his plate.

“What did he want anyways?” Harry asked resting his elbows on the wooden house table as he sat down opposite you.

“He asked if I wanted to go to the ball with him” you feigned disgust as you shook your head, hoping he would drop the subject, you’d never been a good liar and if anyone could see through you it would surely be your best friend.

“Just tell him you’re going with me if he asks again, then he’ll leave you alone” Harry suggested, Ron nodding along with him as he stuffed a chicken wing into his mouth.

“Yeah- yeah ‘course thank you Harry” you scratched the back of your head cringing at the obvious hint of disappointment lingering in your words which thankfully no one but Hermione seemed to notice since she reached her hand out across the table and laid it gently atop of yours, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

You gave her a small smile before your eyes began dancing around the Great Hall somehow coming to a halt on Draco’s figure, he had his chin resting in the palm of his hand as he engaged in conversation with Blaise.

No one could say that Draco Malfoy wasn’t handsome, rude and a prat? Sure, but unattractive no. He was the only boy you’d ever seen who was able to pull of such a hair color and as your eyes travelled along his sharp jawline up to his chiseled cheekbones you felt the uncontrollable feeling of heat rush up to your face as his eyes met yours.

He sent you a wink before turning back around, you mirroring his actions the feeling of butterflies swarming your stomach slowly melting away as you pushed any remaining thoughts of him aside.

The ball was only a few days from now and you and Hermione had decided to take a trip down to Hogsmeade in an attempt to shop for dresses, not wanting to repeat what had happened last year when you both had made the mistake of trusting your parents with your attires, the dresses they’d choosen had arrived the same night as the ball and you had been forced to show up in matching bright pink gowns since it had been too late to go and buy new ones. You’d been the laughing stocks off the school for a couple months after that, never again.

You cringed at the memory that would surely be edged into your mind forever but as you pushed open the wooden door that led into Gladrags Wizardwear you found yourself entranced with all the beautiful dresses littered around the shop.

“Have you decided who you’re gonna go to the ball with?” Hermione hummed as her fingers trailed over a blue gown that hung along with hundreds of others at the front of the store.

“Yeah I think I’m just gonna go with Harry, I don’t want to risk my friendship with either him or Ron by going with Draco” you sighed not feeling the need to hide your disappointment in front of her.

“I get that but if you really do like Malfoy you should just ease Harry and Ron into the idea of you two being together” Hermione shrugged in response before removing the dress she’d been looking at from its hanger and placing it into her arms as you continued browsing.

“How am I supposed to do that you know how much they hate him” you sighed as you lightly dragged your hand over the multiple fabrics that hung on the clothing rag next to you.

“You could dance with him at the ball” Hermione suggested, you nodded silently in agreement before coming to an abrupt halt as a certain dress caught your eye. It was champagne colored and made out of silk with a thigh high split running down the side of it, not the type of dress you’d usually go for but nevertheless you carefully placed it into your arms deciding their was no harm in seeing how it looked on you.

“Who are you going with?” you changed the subject not feeling like talking about Draco anymore, it was really killing your mood.

“Hero Finnigan asked me” your eyes widened at Hermione’s words. Hero Finnigan was in the year above you and was quite the heartthrob around school, he’d been known for having a new girl underneath his arm every week and it seemed that this time around it was going to be Hermione, much to your surprise.

“Please tell me you said yes, if anyone’s going to make Ron jealous it’s definitely him” you assured her, looping your arm with hers as you continued skimming through the store.

“Of course I said yes, I’m not that daft” she shook her head before continuing, “I don’t know though I-I guess I was just hoping that in the end Ron would ask me, but apparently he’s going with Lavender” her nose scrunched up at the mere mention of her name as she let out a heavy sigh.

Your heart ached for your best friend as you put an arm around her shoulder giving her a tight side hug, a subtle way of letting her know you were there for her no matter what.

“Enough about that let’s go try on our dresses and we can tell each other what we think” Hermione was obviously trying to distract herself but you didn’t feel like pressing the subject any further so you only nodded in agreement as you started searching for the changing rooms, it was a surprisingly big shop compared to how small it had appeared from the outside.

Once you’d finally found them at the far end of the shop you both entered separate rooms, simultaneously pulling the curtains shut shielding you from the watchful eyes of the other customers, although there weren’t that many.

You took one last look at the dress letting your fingers wander down the silky fabric before carefully removing it from its hanger and slipping your legs in between the opening.

Once you got it on, you weren’t able to reach the zipper on the back, no matter how hard you tried so you stealthily peeked your head out behind the curtain and seeing no one you began to make your way towards Hermione’s changing room hoping she could be of some assistance.

“Need some help with that?” a voice stopped you dead in your tracks, swiftly turning to see Draco standing there, a mischievous smirk resting on his lips as he took a step closer to you.

“Are you stalking me or something?” you shook your head, furrowing your brows once you noticed how his eyes weren’t meeting yours, instead they were trailing up and down your body, devouring every inch of you.

“Eyes up here Malfoy” you teased which made him finally look up at you, but instead of replying with a snide comment of his own he threw the suit he’d been holding onto a clothing rag nearby and slowly began to stride towards you.

You weren’t able to get a word out as he tenderly placed his ring clad fingers on top of your bare shoulders scanning your face for approval witch you granted by carefully nodding your head taking in a deep breath as you felt him begin to slowly turn you around.

You shivered once the cold metal wrapped around his fingers began to run down your arms, his fingertips then gently dancing down the small of your back in a painfully teasing manner.

You couldn’t help but let out a breathy sigh as he took a step closer to you his lips ghosting over your ear as he began to pull the zipper upwards causing you to almost involuntarily lean into him. As soon as you did his scent consumed you, he smelled of expensive cologne and spearmint, even better than you could have ever imagined.

He stopped as the zip reached the bottom strands of your hair, he thought for a moment before he carefully wrapped his hand around your h/c locks, twisting them gently around his fingers before letting them fall over the side of your shoulder, the tips of his fingers ever so slightly running across the side of your neck as he moved them back down to where he’d stopped.

You gently tilted your head, closing your eyes in content once you felt his hot breath fan over your neck, you leaned your head back at the sensation resting it atop of Draco’s shoulder, shivering once you felt his lips ghost over the sweet spot just behind your ear, one of his arms finding your waist as the other continued to work its way up your back.

Once you heard the faint sound of the zipper click as it reached its closing you slowly opened your eyes feeling him take an impossible step closer to you, your behind now pressed into his front as he trailed his hands down to your hips.

“You clean up quite nice Y/L/N” he breathed out as he began running his hands up to your stomach before finally reaching your waist where they abruptly stopped so that he could turn you back around, you let out a gasp at the sudden forced movement your hands clinging onto his shoulders to prevent you from falling.

You opened your mouth but no words came out as you were consumed by the feeling of his fingers digging into your sides, his lips mere centimeters from yours you almost unknowingly began to lean in.

He mirrored your movements but just before your lips could meet someone cleared their throat from behind you causing you to jump away from him, frowning at the sudden loss of contact.

Once your eyes met Hermione’s you quickly cleared your throat acting as if nothing had (almost) happened, she raised an eyebrow obviously confused at the scene unfolding before her.

You turned back towards Draco who was looking at you almost expectantly, “I’m going with Harry to the ball” you suddenly felt the need to tell him, hoping he wouldn’t get the wrong idea from the little moment you had just shared.

“Potter seriously?” Draco scoffed in return before making his way around you and Hermione, your eyes following his figure and as soon as he was completely out of sight you finally felt like you could breath again, staggering backwards into Hermione who quickly put her arms up to catch you.

“Oh I’m in trouble”

You’d decided to buy the dress you’d tried on in the store, even though every time you put it on you couldn’t shake away the feeling of Draco being pressed against you as his lips hovered dangerously close to your neck.... You shook your head in hopes that it would toss the memory out of your mind, you couldn’t be thinking about Draco right now, not when Harry was standing just outside the Gryffindor common room patiently waiting for you to get ready.

“Can you zip me up?” you turned your back to Hermione who quickly rushed to your side swiftly beginning to pull the zipper on the back of your dress upwards. As you closed your eyes you got momentary flashes off Draco’s ring clad fingers wrapped around your body and you tried with all your might to shake the tingling feeling you got away, but nothing seemed to be working.

“Okay do a little spin for me” you let out a laugh at Hermione’s words but nevertheless you began spinning around your dorm playfully, letting your hair fall across your shoulders as Hermione threw her head back in laughter.

“You look incredible” she complemented as you engulfed each other in tight hugs mentally preparing yourselves for the night ahead.

“Oh please, I’m nothing compared to you” you stated linking your arms together before the two of you began to make your way to your awaiting dates.

Once the door to the Gryffindor common room opened the first thing you saw was Harry engaged in conversation with Hero, you could tell by his uncomfortable shuffling that the exchange had been awkward causing you to let out a small giggle which captured the attention of the two boys.

Harry’s mouth hung open as he let his eyes wander all over you, from the thigh-high front split on the front of your dress to your flawless makeup and perfectly styled hair, he was speechless, if you two weren’t best friends he’d probably be tripping over his own two feet by now.

“Well this is certainly an upgrade from last year” Harry let out a teasing laugh as he bowed down to take your hand in his.

“Oh shut up” you feigned annoyance as you stood beside him, feeling goosebumps run up your arms as his hand came to rest on your lower back, leading the two of you towards the Great Hall.

“In all seriousness Y/N, you look amazing” Harry gushed as he pulled you into his side. An uncontrollable blush creeping onto your cheeks at his words as you let your head fall on his shoulder.

“You don’t look too bad yourself, Potter” you teased, the two of you letting out simultaneous fits of laughter as you followed closely behind Hero and Hermione.

After a moment of silence Harry suddenly spoke out, “Ron was going to ask her you know” the two of you shared knowing glances at his words, it was so painfully obvious that your other two best friends were head over heels in love with each other but neither of them dared to make the first move, either to scared of being rejected or ruining their many years worth of friendship.

“Figures” you shrugged a comfortable silence overtaking you as you walked over to one of the many rows of couples stood in front of the entrance leading into the Great Hall.

As the doors begun to open you excitedly smiled up at Harry but before you were able to move forward another couple had harshly pushed their way in front of you and you were immediately able to identify the mob of platinum blond hair.

“Excuse me” you rolled your eyes causing the two of them to turn their heads towards you, you couldn’t hold in your scoff once you saw who he’d decided to bring, Pansy Parkinson of all the people in this bloody school.

“Don’t start anything Malfoy” Harry warned before either of them were able to get a word out, it looked like Pansy was going to throw a snide comment your way but stopped as soon as her eyes met Draco’s, she let out a huff before reluctantly turning back around.

“You look dashing” Draco complimented, you could feel Harry tense up beside you and you snaked an arm around his waist in an attempt to calm him down, the last thing you wanted was to cause a scene.

“Shouldn’t you be telling that to your date?” you retorted gesturing towards Pansy who seemed to be strangely quiet, usually she couldn’t keep her mouth shut no matter the circumstance, but you weren’t complaining.

Draco didn’t respond instead he just shrugged his shoulders before turning back around his arm slipping down towards Pansy’s lower back, you felt the inkling feeling of jealousy begin to form inside you but you forced yourself to push it away giving Harry’s bicep a reassuring squeeze knowing it had taken all his might not to hex Draco then and there.

As soon as Draco and Pansy had left you two be you quickly pulled Harry along with you into the hall so you wouldn’t get trampled by the entourage of students crowded behind you who were also squeezing their way through the double doors.

You intertwined your fingers with Harry’s as you took in your surroundings. It looked even better than last year, snow was falling from the starry black ceiling stopping just a few feet above you, mistletoe’s and every traditional Christmas decoration you could think of were littered all across the hall and instead of the usual house tables there were hundreds of smaller silver ones, each having it’s own floating candle above them.

Once you spotted a decent place to sit you tugged onto Harry’s arm gesturing for him to follow you towards the table your eyes were set on, somehow along the way you managed to spot Hermione and you threw your arm up gesturing for her hand Hero to come sit with you and Harry.

It wasn’t long until the chair beside you was being pulled from underneath the table and Hermione placed her self atop of it along with Hero, you happily greeted both of them but all joy inside you seemed to fade away once you noticed Ron and Lavender heading your way.

Oh please no

Ron placed a chaste kiss on Lavender’s cheek as he pointed towards your table.

Don’t sit here

Lavender eagerly began to nod following behind Ron as they inched closer and closer.

Anywhere but here

Despite your silent praying Ron was now pulling a chair out for Lavender before taking a seat himself and as soon as he did an awkward tension filled the air. You grabbed Hermione’s hand from underneath the table giving it a reassuring squeeze noticing how she’d tensed up once Lavender had bitterly greeted her.

“Whose this then?” Ron could be heard from the other end of the table, you rolled your eyes at his tone, how did Hermione not realize he was jealous hell even Hero seemed to notice it as his eyes uncomfortably shifted between Hermione’s angered expression and Ron’s annoyed one.

“Hero Finnigan, and you?” he reached his hand out over the table and for a split moment your eyes had widened thinking Ron was actually going to sit there and ignore him but thankfully the ginger haired boy reluctantly reached over the table and connected his hand with Hero’s.

“Ron, Ron Weasely”

“Weasely, eh? could have guessed, I’m good friends with your brothers” Hero attempted to make conversation but Ron didn’t seem all to keen on it only muttering a “whatever” underneath his breath causing you to kick him from underneath the table, you gave him a warning glance to which he replied by throwing a small ‘piss off’ in your direction.

Before you could begin to scold him for his rude behaviour Dumbledore’s voice tore throughout the Great Hall preventing you from doing so although you had a feeling that if it hadn’t had been him it probably would have been Harry.

“Welcome students to our annual Jingle Ball, may I say you all look wonderful tonight” Dumbledore gingerly smiled, his wand lightly pressed against the side of his neck as he gestured towards the numerous students all dressed in their finest attires.

“We’ll start the evening with a three course meal prepared by our lovely house elves” claps begun to sound around the Great Hall which you quickly joined in on, smiling brightly once you noticed the numerous elves clumsily standing up from their seats and waving at the students.

“Once you’ve finished eating a band will be preforming for us and I hope that you and your dates will be joining me and McGonagall on the dance floor” laughter sounded around the hall at the last part of his sentence but instead of joining in like you usually would you found yourself draining out all noise as your eyes met Draco’s.

He’d already been looking your way and you couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on your lips as his icy grey eyes burned through yours, you felt like there was some type of force drawing you to him and you couldn’t do anything about it, even though your head was screaming at you that shouldn’t be developing feelings for someone as arrogant and cruel as Draco Malfoy your heart seemed to be having trouble following.

Once everyone had finished eating you were eager to get away from your table, somehow Hero and Ron had begun a full blown argument which you and Hermione had to quickly shut down by asking Lavender to take Ron somewhere else until he’d calm down, that boy could not control his temper if his life depended on it.

You’d managed to cheer Hermione up after the entire ordeal telling her that she should focus on herself for once and have fun, thankfully she’d listened and you couldn’t help the giddy expression overtaking your facial features as you watched her and Hero sway together on the dance floor.

“Care to dance M’ lady” Harry merrily bowed down in front of you reaching his hand out towards yours, you placed a hand on your chest in feigned surprise before gently laying your hand in Harry’s palm.

“Why, I would be delighted to” you attempted a posh accent unable to contain the giggle that fell past your lips as you let Harry lead you to the dance floor.

As soon as his arm had wrapped around your waist and the other intertwined with your hand another slow song began playing, most of the students were still digesting their food so their weren’t many on the dance floor, it was only you and Harry, Hero and Hermione and about six other couples.

You leaned your head on Harry’s chest letting him slowly sway you to the soothing melody of the song. “You know I love you right?” Harry mumbled as he placed a kiss on top of your head.

“I love you too, silly” you brightly smiled up at him, you both knew there weren’t harbored feelings for the other hidden behind those three words so you had no trouble voicing it to each other.

You tightly wrapped your arms around his waist continuing to slowly move around the dance floor. You knew how hard his life had been leading up to this point, losing his family, Sirius, and then Cedric he always had the inkling fear that one day he’d lose you or Ron or Hermione so you wanted to make sure he knew you weren’t going anywhere.

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words and you knew you were saying everything you needed just by being there with him, it felt like hours that you’d stayed that way wrapped in each others arms but soon students begun to make their way to the dance floor so you and Harry decided to take a short break, heading hand in hand back towards your table.

Unbeknownst to you whilst you and Harry had been in your own world gently dancing with each other for all eyes to see, Draco had been enduring pure torture over at his table.

“I can’t believe she choose Potter over you”

“That’s gotta sting”

“How’s it feel being the second choice”

“Hope you’re ready to do my homework for the rest of the year”

Was all he had heard for the last hour as he’d watched you and Harry dance with one another. No matter the threats he threw their way and menacing looks they just wouldn’t stop, he felt as if his power of being crowned the Slytherin prince was slipping away from him, since in his world losing to someone like Harry Potter was as low as you could get.

Then and there Draco decided he wasn’t going to endure it anymore he was making his move tonight no matter the circumstance.

“You know Ginny’s been eyeing you all night” you wiggled your eyebrows nudging Harry’s shoulder who awkwardly began shifting in his seat as he mumbled a ‘really’ in response to which you nodded.

“Go ask her too dance!” you stood up so you could force him out of his seat along with you, you subtly pointed towards Ginny’s direction who had swiftly looked away as soon as her eyes had met Harry’s.

“But what about you?” Harry frowned realizing you didn’t have anyone to spend time with if he’d leave since both Hermione and Ron seemed to be preoccupied with their dates.

“Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine! now go” you ushered him forward giving him a reassuring thumbs up as he began to walk towards her.

“You’re quite the matchmaker aren’t you?” Hermione had suddenly walked up behind you and you both watched in amusement as Harry almost fell over twice before he was able to reach Ginny who had happily agreed to dance with him.

“Where’s Hero?” you asked as you turned to face Hermione eyes wandering around the hall in an attempt to spot her date, “oh he’s just gone to get us some drinks, you’re welcome to join us if you’d like” Hermione offered but you shook your head.

“No its okay honestly I’m fine” you assured her, you did not want to spend the evening third wheeling your best friend and her date.

Hermione began opening her mouth surely to convince you to join them but stopped once her eyes landed on something behind you or rather someone behind you.

“Care to dance?”

You swiftly turned around to see Draco with his hand reaching out towards you, you tried your best to contain the smile that was so desperately gnawing at the sides of your mouth as you turned back to Hermione who was giving you knowing smile.

“Find me if you need anything alright?” you eagerly nodded at her words only turning back to Draco once Hermione had fully vanished into the crowd.

“One dance, that’s it” you attempted to sound serious but it came off in a more teasing manner as you let your hand fall into Draco’s.

“Agreed”

As soon as you’d reached the middle of the dance floor, Draco’s arm had snaked around your waist pulling you into him whilst the other intertwined your fingers. You let out a giggle as he began twirling you around, gracefully catching you back in his arms as both his hands moved to rest on your lower back.

“You’re quite the dancer” you complimented, without a doubt boosting Draco’s already large ego, “I know” he had replied with a knowing smirk, twirling you around one last time before pulling you flush up against him your noses bumping together since you’d already been looking up at him. You’d held the eye contact for a minute as you brightly smiled at each other before you gently let your chin rest on his shoulder as he slowly began swaying you from side to side.

As your eyes began dancing over the students you didn’t think anything could burst your happy bubble until your eyes found Harry’s who had a look of disappointment edged onto his features as he pulled away from Ginny who had frowned at his sudden dismissal as she watched him begin to make his way out of the Great Hall.

You cleared your throat as you uncomfortably began shuffling away from Draco who gave you a look of confusion as he watched you pull your hand out of his and back away from him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry I can’t do this” you muttered before hurriedly turning around and squeezing your way through the crowd of students all huddled together on the dance floor, most of them giving you annoyed glances as you pushed them out of the way but you didn’t care all you wanted to do was find Harry. You couldn’t imagine how he’d felt once he saw you his best friend, dancing with someone who’d made his life a living hell ever since the first year.

Once you’d exited the Great Hall you frantically began looking around the empty corridors in an attempt to find Harry who’d stormed out here only moments ago.

“Y/N!” you heard Draco call from behind you but you ignored him, picking up your pace once you heard his nearing footsteps echoing around the empty hallways.

“Y/N please wait” you felt him grab ahold of your wrist swiftly turning you back to face him, his grip only tightening as you began attempting to pull your hand away.

“No! You can’t treat my friends like shit and then expect me to give in on whatever the hell you’re trying to do” you finally managed to rip your hand out of his grasp as you turned back around but he quickly ran in front of you placing his hands on your shoulders to keep you in place.

“Listen I’m sorry alright, bloody hell I just- I can’t stop thinking about you I don’t know how to explain it but I think I might-” he cut himself off hesitating to speak his next words unsure of how you’d react since he didn’t want to return to his friends with yet another failed attempt.

“You think you might what?” you crossed your arms over your chest glaring up at him as you watched his mouth open and close again.

“Fancy you” he finally let out, your eyes widening as you let your hands fall down to your hips. You took a few steps back until you couldn’t move any further the tall walls of the castle preventing you from doing so.

“You what?” you barely whispered and Draco took that as his chance to walk towards you placing both his hands on the wall next to you.

As you looked back up at him he slowly started to remove one hand from the wall so he could place it onto your cheek and just like he’d done in the store, he began leaning in until his lips were barely hovering above yours, you so desperately wanted to close the gap between you but a part of you was screaming to push him away and never look back, but as your eyes met his once more you couldn’t bring yourself to do it your heart taking control as he pressed his lips against your own.

Your lips continued dancing with each other at a normal pace until he’d moved to deepen the kiss swiftly wrapping his arms around your waist so you were able to loop yours around his neck, he pushed you even tighter up against the wall causing you to let out a gasp allowing him to slip his tongue into your mouth.

You ran your fingers through his hair gently pulling on the strands on the back of his head before letting your head fall to the side as he began leaving kisses down your neck his hands trailing down your sides until they wrapped around your hips pulling you even further into him.

You gently blinked your eyes open as you pulled away from him, your lips undoubtedly swollen and your lipstick smeared but you didn’t care.

“No one can know about this, not until I talk to Harry” you breathed out leaning your forehead against his as you attempted to slow your heart rate by taking deep breaths in and out.

“Of course I won’t tell anyone” he lied, he’d gotten quite good at that after having to continuously lie to his father ever since he was a child, one particular incident that he would never forget was when he’d accidentally let one of the house elves go because he didn’t know that to free them they had to be granted an item of clothing and on a particularly cold night he saw no harm in granting the elf his jacket since it had been shivering beside him and when his father had barged into his room later in the night furious at his son’s stupidity Draco had lied and told him that the elf had tricked him into doing so and upon hearing this his father had tracked the elf down and casted the unforgivable curse onto him, after that Draco lied to his father about almost everything he did to ensure something like that would never happen again.

Amongst his peers he was powerful and feared but when it came to his father he was nothing, never good enough and always in the way. School was the only place he felt he was more than his father’s words so he knew that as soon as he would make his way into the Slytherin common room the first thing he was going to do was tell his friends that he’d done it, that you were slowly but surely beginning to fall for him, which put him right back on top.

TAGLIST:

@itzsoff @multiversegalaxygirl @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @awkwardnesshabitat @tiredplier @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @macheregrace @dobreesersei @voidmalfoy @lana-isabelle @fangirlyah @dracomalfoyswifey @lonely-kermit @mrsmyamalfoy @fuzzy-panda @sluthug @urbankaite2 @chickeebabe @classygirlything @dark-night-sky-99 @ranialih @pillowjj @im-a-stranger-thing @christinechickiee @imstillhere-butallislost @spencerreidisbootiful @hip-hopphile @justmesadgirl @gia-kerks @lilxnvm @kelly182001 @moonbug26 @gabiconstellation @sleepinmoonbean @mautand @oldschoolkiddo @naomiiiiiiiiiii04 @dreams-in-blxck @stalker83005 @criesinlies @sxlted-carxrmel @moonjooniee @maskd-hearts @little-honey-bear @dobreesersei

Let me know in my inbox or asks if you’d liked to be added, much love <333

#draco malfoy #draco x reader #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy angst #draco lucius malfoy #draco imagine #draco malfoy fluff #draco malfoy x reader #harry potter #harry potter imagine #tom felton #tom felton imagine #hermione granger #ron weasley #slytherin #hufflepuff #gryffindor #ravenclaw #harry potter films

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whatiwillsay · 4 years ago

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submission: we need to talk about ttb (spade-riddles)

Hey Cam. Seeing that ask defending TTB’s doxxing has sort of pushed me to finally share some of my story on Tumblr, I guess. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk about this to anyone fully, so this will probably be long, but I hope you don’t mind me venting.

I’m one of the people that got emailed by TTB. I don’t feel comfortable posting this off anon, but I was in a Discord server with you and @bisluthq and some other people back in Dec/Jan. I don’t know if you remember me, but my name on there was one word and began with an L and ended with an S.

I want to share the full story, but I also don’t feel comfortable with sharing certain details publicly because I’m still very wary of getting outed further by her if she sees this, so I’m gonna be vague about some things

Request to her followers — If you see this, please don’t send this to her. Like I’m genuinely asking you not to because I don’t trust her not to cross any more lines. My dad is a major homophobe with serious anger issues who has literally been arrested for violence before, and she doesn’t really think carefully or maybe even care about how any actions she takes could lead to people being harmed, so I’m not eager to see how she might react.

Anyway, I first got an email back in December, and I was really freaked out by it at first. I spoke to one of my mutuals about it, and although we both agreed it was super weird and invasive and creepy, we ended up trying to see the funny side of it. So, I kinda just brushed it off and moved on. I was mainly just really confused about why I had been targeted because at the time, I thought it was only me who’d gotten an email like that. I didn’t understand why she’d specifically targeted me instead of other people who she clearly disliked a lot more.

About a week later, I saw someone on Tumblr mentioning a strange email, and I realised other people must have gotten them too. I spoke to Nat about what happened to me and ended up in the Discord

At the time, I felt like I’d gotten off really easy comparatively to others because I initially didn’t realise that she’d contacted anyone else. And so I tried to act chill about it because I didn’t want to make things about me, but honestly, I was extremely anxious. I felt on edge for over a week. I would keep checking her blog again and again because I was super worried that she would post our personal details publicly. I scrolled through my entire blog from start to finish and deleted a lot of posts that were either personal or that I just didn’t want anyone I knew in real life to read.

This part I have to be vague about because it would basically give away who I am, but it was only a while later when I thought I was in the clear that someone I knew in real life texted me and mentioned seeing a weird email about me. The email had been sent a while back, and they’d been shown it by the original recipient/s. Multiple people had been shown it, but luckily (kinda), only two of those people were actually people I saw on a regular basis

I’m mostly closeted, but I’m kind of technically out to a few of my immediate family members. But it’s very much a DADT situation because they’re not accepting, and they like to just pretend I’m straight. And so I basically have to act closeted even when I’m around them, and I can’t even ALLUDE to being gay.

But with my dad, it’s different. He’s very homophobic. I’m only gonna mention this next part so that people understand what kind of dangerous situation that TTB could have put me in. (And the other people that she doxxed too because she didn’t know how safe their individual situations were). It’s all really personal, and I wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable sharing any of this at all, even anonymously, but I think it needs to be said because her actions were extremely fucking irresponsible.

Right, so when I first “came out” to my dad, it was actually an accident, and he reacted… extremely badly. This was back in like… 2018 or 2019, I can’t remember the exact year

(TW // physical abuse, homophobia)

He was extremely angry, literally shaking. He yelled at me, he described in graphic detail how he was going to “break every bone in my body”, “strangle the life out of me”, “drown me”, etc. He kept telling me that I’m disgusting and going to Hell, you get the idea. He was having a lot of fun with making strangling motions and stabbing motions with his hands, and he kept slamming his hand onto the table. That went on for about 15 minutes, and then he stood up and threw a chair from the dining table at me. That was fun lol. And he punched me in the head pretty hard which kinda knocked me back. I felt dizzy, I had to sit down on the floor. At that point, my mum who had been crying and asking him to stop physically intervened, and he ended up storming out of the house instead. My mum’s a genuinely good person btw. She’s a little homophobic, but she cares about me a lot, and I’m very grateful for her. She hates him too, but she’s kinda stuck with him… It wasn’t her fault

He literally hates gay people. He complains about us on the regular. One time, he threw the remote at the TV and cracked the screen just because there was a gay male couple kissing onscreen. Another time, he threw a rock at a gay man on the street. There was also a time where he forced a few of my siblings (who didn’t want to do it) to throw peeled oranges out of the window at people celebrating pride while he drove past them and yelled insults at them. He found that really funny. Anyway, I’m sure you guys get the idea of what kind of person he is

He hasn’t laid a hand on anybody in several months though, so I do think he’s trying to be better at least. Like he’s still verbally abusive and controlling and awful, but I appreciate that he’s at least making an effort to calm down with the hitting and kicking and stuff

Anyway, with my dad, it’s less DADT and more that I think he’s got it in his head that he managed to scare me into “seeing the error of my ways” and that I’ve “stopped choosing to be gay” and that I’m now straight. So, if it had been HIM who had gotten that email, it would’ve been like… extremely bad. Like I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. And this is why I’m so angry at TTB. It was extremely, extremely irresponsible of her to not consider these kinds of possibilities before she sent out her stupid emails. She’s supposed to be an ally, but it didn’t even cross her mind that these emails would lead to people being outed and possibly even harmed?? It’s not okay at all. I’m just very grateful that she didn’t send one to him because I don’t even know what kind of situation I would be in right now.

Anyway, enough about my fucking awful dad… I feel uncomfortable that I even typed all of that out, but I wanted people to understand how dangerous her actions could have been. Like I mean, my dad’s got PTSD and extreme anger issues from his teenage years, so I do try not to judge him TOO harshly, but there’s no excuse for being a huge bigot or occasionally violent. The idea of him being the one who got that email is still so scary to me. Like my heart is racing just thinking about it

One of the people that DID read the email was the male friend I mentioned earlier though. He was shown it by someone else for a particular reason, and he was a very important person to me. Like he was a good guy, we were close, he helped me out with certain personal issues I have and is one of only two people that I know in real life that I felt comfortable confiding in about them. We’d always meet up once a week, sometimes twice, and we’d just talk about stuff and make an effort to help each other out with things. Like he was very important to me.

It turns out that he’d looked through my blog before I’d got around to scrubbing it, and he asked me if I was gay in person the next time we met up. I couldn’t lie because like… he’d have known I was lying right to his face. So, I told him I was, and you should have seen his face. It made me feel so awful about myself. He looked really stunned and shocked and kinda uncomfortable. Like it got so awkward, and I started rambling and making things worse. He was avoiding eye contact, and my voice was shaking.

I ended up making up an excuse to leave about 5 mins later and had an actual anxiety attack. Again, this is embarrassing and something I’d never usually talk about online, but I just want to get it all off my chest so that I can move past it all.

So, I was like on the verge of tears (I don’t cry easily), I couldn’t breathe properly, I was pacing around the building, and I just wanted to escape, so I headed straight for the doors. There was a queue of about 100 people lined up and waiting to leave, and I couldn’t think straight or breathe and just needed to be outside, so I tried to go out through the other exit which is for staff only. The security guard stopped me and basically publicly humiliated me in front of all of those people. He loudly shamed me and said I “didn’t have any decency” for attempted to jump the queue, lectured me in this really condescending tone, and then sent me right to the back of that huge line. Meanwhile, I was literally in the midst of a bad anxiety attack.

And then I eventually got outside and had to call my mum to come and pick me up instead of just making my own way home like I usually do. She’s amazing though tbh because she actually came to get me and didn’t even question why. I had to skip all of my plans for the rest of the day and instead just hid upstairs in my bedroom with the lights off until the next day. I refused to tell any of my family members what had happened even though they kept asking. I just felt so, so awful, and my anxiety was through the roof

To be honest, before that happened, my mindset was like: “I mean, if I get outed, it obviously wouldn’t be good, but I think I’d be able to deal with it fine”. But then, when it actually happened, and I saw the way my close friend reacted, I had like a whole emotional breakdown lol. It’s like, you think you’d be fairly chill in a situation, but when it actually happens, your reaction can be really unpredictable. I was so embarrassed by everything about that entire incident. I didn’t even want to show my face the next day.

It’s been almost two months since that happened, and in that entire time, my friend has contacted me once. We literally used to meet up once or twice a week (and during lockdown, we’d do video calls or phone calls instead), but since then, we’ve barely even spoken. Things are just so awkward now. I know this sounds stupid, but I feel like TTB’s taken one of my best friends away from me. I don’t think he’s a homophobe or anything, he has openly gay friends and is fairly accepting, but I think it’s just the way that he found out that has just made things so weird between us now. I feel like if I’d had the chance to come out to him myself in my own way, he wouldn’t have reacted like that. But I’m gonna text him next week and see if we can maybe try to fix our friendship, but I doubt it at this point

The other people who were shown the email, I mostly just avoid. I don’t really care about them knowing that much because I wasn’t close to them, but it’s just really embarrassing knowing that they probably scrolled through my Tumblr blog before I scrubbed it

And about Tumblr… This used to be the only place that I could fully be myself. It was like a “safe space” for me which feels ironic now. But I haven’t been active on my blog since December. I still lurk occasionally, but I just don’t feel comfortable here anymore. I did consider deleting my current blog and starting afresh with a new one, but I don’t think it’d make much of a difference… Like she’s kind of ruined Tumblr for me. I do still enjoy reading people’s blogs every now and then, but I don’t feel relaxed here anymore, I just feel on edge.

It’s mainly the fact that SHE’S still here. She still has a platform, she still has a bunch of followers. It’s been so hard seeing her face next to no consequences whatsoever for the horrible things that she’s done to so many different people. And it upsets me that she hasn’t even acknowledged that what she did was wrong. Plus, it makes me feel even worse that the Hard Kay blogs and some other people are still supporting her and pretending that this whole thing just didn’t happen. Like do they just not care? Or is it that she’s twisted things and made them believe that the situation was different to what it actually was?

And tbh, this whole situation has even set me back in my own sort of personal self-acceptance journey. I had such bad internalised homophobia when I was younger, and it took me so many years to get to a place where I had mostly accepted myself. But now I just feel ashamed again, and I’ve gone back to my old habit of trying to force myself to be attracted to men. Like I downloaded Tinder the other day and set my preference to men and was swiping through profiles. It’s kinda silly actually. I did snap out of it and delete the app the next day though. But I don’t know, I feel like this whole thing has just kinda fucked with me a bit. I am trying to work this stuff out and get back to normal though. I think I’ll be good again in maybe a month or so, hopefully.

And… yeah. I just really resent her, and this situation upsets me. Because the reason she did this was so petty and ridiculous, and I guess she didn’t even realise how much it would impact people? Like I do know that my situation wasn’t as bad as some of the other people’s situations, and I feel really bad for them, and I hope they’re all doing okay. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for them. But it still has impacted me a lot more than I actually thought it would. I thought I’d get over it within a couple of weeks. But it’s been like two months, and I’m still not completely over it

I know it might not sound like a huge thing, but being outed really does affect you, even if it’s only to a few people. Because to me, I feel like I’ve had my sense of like, security and comfort taken away, and it’s kinda distressing. Sorry if I sound dramatic with any of this, I just really needed to say all of this stuff to other people besides myself lol

Like her actions have literally led to me being outed to a few people. A close friendship that I had has basically been ruined. I don’t feel comfortable or secure on Tumblr anymore, even though it used to be an important outlet for me. I’ve had a resurgence of anxiety about my sexuality. Etc.

And again, my dad is extremely homophobic and literally made death threats to me and physically attacked me back when I accidentally came out to him in 2018 or 2019. And if he had gotten that email, I don’t even know what would have happened. I don’t think he would have like… SERIOUSLY physically harmed me, but there would definitely have been a repeat of the first incident. More throwing chairs at me and hitting and screaming and death threats. I don’t really want to think about it.

It just bothers me that she didn’t even consider that? Like did it not even cross her mind? And my dad is bad, but I’m sure there are people in the fandom who have even worse parents, and she could have got one of those people instead. It’s just so… I don’t know, it’s just so frustrating to me.

Anyway, I just hate her for what she did… Like maybe I shouldn’t, but I really do resent her so much, and I don’t think I could forgive her even if she apologised to us all (which I don’t think she even would because she doesn’t seem to have any decency whatsoever). The least she could do is at least express some kind of remorse, but she just genuinely doesn’t care, and that’s super messed up. All over some stupid Tumblr blog that is much less important than she thinks it is.

But anyway… I apologise for the whole rant, and if anybody read all the way down to here, I appreciate it. I do actually feel a bit better now that I’ve got this all typed out. And I’m sorry for the oversharing lol, I usually don’t do this, but I just felt like I really needed to tell people and get it off my chest so that I can try to get over it — L

submisssion⬆️⬆️⬆️

ok L i am trying to remain calm here because this isn’t about me. but i am very emotional right now. i am so so so infinitely sorry that you had to go through this harrowing and terrifying experience. ttb (now blogging under spade-riddles) is absolutely disgusting, lower than dirt, that she would put your life, safety, and well-being at risk over a fucking kaylor blog.

please please please im me or get in touch somehow because i want to offer you support. have you been financially impacted by this? we can raise money. do you need therapy? we can help you find the support you need. this community is unequivocally here for you. whatever you need, if it’s in my power to help you get it, i will. you have my solemn promise on that.

i am so deeply and desperately sorry that you have gone through this. i was shaking while reading your story.

i am in touch with other people and we are in discussion about the best way to let tumblr know what happened. this will be a safe space for you (and all of us) again if it’s the last thing i do. this community is 100% here for you in any way we can help, sending you all the support and love we have.

#submission #tw: abuse #tw: homophobia

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yan-twst · 4 years ago

Note

Hello! May I request hc for the dorm leaders finding out that their female crush is only attracted to girls(female mc as a lesbian I stan-)? If you don't feel comfortable writing this then feel free to delete! I hope this was intresting ;-;

hell yeah lesbians rise up!!!! i included some of my own headcanons of how gay and lesbian stuff is in twst because i think it’s nice to have that there!

riddle rosehearts

riddle is immediately mortified- not because it turns out his crush is a lesbian, but because he’s now horrified all his “courting” may have come off as a bother or inappropriate. he’ll go beet red and apologize for that. he- he didn’t know! he didn’t mean to impose himself- argh!

is he heartbroken? a little. but he’s more worried that he may have come off as pushy. the queen of hearts may have been overbearing, but she never went out of her way to specifically bother anyone, and riddle feels the same way. he really really wants to make it clear he didn’t mean to bother her oh god-

once he calms down a bit, he’ll just, kinda... compose himself and apologize once more. if he had known, he’d probably not have made any advances (even though his “flirting” was more along the lines of inviting to unbirthday parties and sharing trey’s baking. it was nothing too invasive- hell, riddle’s crush wasn’t even aware he was flirting with her)

riddle will also bashfully ask if... well, even if he has no chance with her, he hopes that they can still remain friends. romantic or platonic feelings, he still really gets along with her- hell, everyone’s grown used to having her at the unbirthday parties, and trey already bakes extra for her every time.

he’ll take the title of being her friend with pride. riddle will quickly swallow down his heartbreak: this is something that has to be this way, and the fact that she likes girls simply means he’ll just be the best guy friend she possibly can have

leona kingscholar

leona “woman respecter” kingscholar takes the information well. he just kinda goes ‘oh’, nods, and takes a nap.

welp, there’s nothing to be done, so why get all sad and mopey? if the little herbivore likes girls, more power to her. welp, women are pretty and powerful. he understands why they like women. makes sense

leona is a bit sad, sure, but it’s only natural. he doesn’t dwell on it for long, though. if something can’t be changed, there’s no sense in thinking it over and over: he’s a man and his crush likes women, so that’s the end of that

despite it being so clear cut for him, he will take some time to talk everything out with her. he wants to make it clear: he was pursuing her romantically before, and he won’t anymore. he didn’t know she was a lesbian before, and now he knows

still, leona’s got a soft spot for the little herbivore. even though he might not be pursuing her anymore, it doesn’t change the fact he still feels like he’s gotta watch over her and help her.

he’s just gonna be his usual grumpy self, really. he’ll still invite her over to practice magift, he’ll still tease them and call them “herbivore”. is he still in love? leona won’t ever mention it, really. does it matter? she’s his friend now, even if he calls her “annoying herbivore” whenever she wakes him up, and that’s pretty much all he could ask for

azul ashengrotto

fun fact did you know octopi have been seen displaying homosexual behaviours out in nature

which is to say, this isn’t anything new to azul. same-sex relationships are more common in his home than what he’s seen in the surface, but it’s not like lesbians are a new concept to him

oh don’t get it wrong he does cry when his darling tells him she’s not into men. he cries and then he lets her hug him until he stops. he then proceeds to be so mortified over it all he wishes he could go hide in his octopus pot

after apologizing for... that ordeal, azul will return to his usual composed self. it’s almost hard to tell he was a sniffling mess just a few minutes before if it weren’t for his puffy eyes

he composes himself quickly because, well... when he pictured himself getting turned down, it was always painful- old insecurities flaring, being told he wasn’t enough- but this was... not painful? it’s not as if he wasn’t good enough or something. his crush was just a lesbian! it’s not his fault, so it’s hard for him to feel sad over it

azul might even feel a bit bad for her. she’s... stuck in this all boy’s school, huh? the only girls here are probably the fae that control the weather... and the talking portraits...?

even though there’s really no girls for her to talk to, azul will still take on a protective attitude over her, giving the “if any girl breaks your heart tell me and the twins and we will avenge you” talk. azul doesn’t know why any girl would hurt her heart, because in his eyes she’s precious, but hey, he’s gotta protect his friend, right?

kalim al-asim

“wait you like women? oh me too!”

kalim takes it... so well. like, almost shockingly well? it’s like he processed the information in record speed, sorted out his own feelings immediately, and made peace with it all in a matter of seconds

kalim has many sisters around his age. one in ten people are gay. what i am getting at is kalim has lesbian sisters and so this revelation that his crush is lesbian doesn’t shake his world too much

he’ll admit it stings a little- love is a powerful thing, after all! but he thinks people who pursue others who are clearly not interested are scummy, and he’d never do anything like that

in his mind, it’s an easy ordeal. he trusts and likes her. she sees him as a close friend, and that’s the most he can be. so really, he should just be happy he’s as close to her as can be! he’s already at the top rung of being close to her, so he’s hit the goal, right?

kalim, god bless his heart, is that friend who will present his lesbian friends to any other lesbian friend he has. he has good intentions, but it might get a little tiring? and a bit overwhelming too when he brings up that he has sisters right around his age who are also into girls and suddenly he’s making plans for a big mixer party and oh god jamil please help and put a stop to this before it gets out of control please help he’s already planning a menu-

vil schoenheit

ooooh so she’s a lesbian ooooooh ok that makes sense. that makes sense.

vil is like “oh! of course my incredible efforts into my appearance and into our friendship and in wooing her weren’t working. she is just not into men”

he’s almost surprised at how getting turned down like this just... didn’t bruise his ego at all. his efforts weren’t useless, he wasn’t doing things wrong, it simply couldn’t work! honestly, vil would have been more hurt if he’d put all this effort and his crush had been straight and still turned him down

hmm, so she’s into girls... then being here, in an academy full of men (who are, in vil’s opinion, horribly unrefined and ungraceful) must be rough.

just because he’s no longer trying to pursue a relationship with her does not mean that he’ll stop inviting her over for skincare or for trying on clothes. absolutely not. the fact vil even was attracted to her in the first place is because he saw her as someone with potential and that has not changed

he will immediately position himself as a big brother / best friend. just because he’s her friend doesn’t mean he’s gonna let her slack, though! he’s still gonna be checking she follows the skincare routine he set up for her, and that she’s eating and sleeping well- as much as he says it’s because he “wants to make her potential shine” or whatever, it’s just... overwhelmingly clear he just cares about her as a friend

idia shroud

out of all the ways he imagined getting turned down this has to be the one that he had NOT pictured and at the same time, it’s kinda the best one? crush was a lesbian so it wouldn’t work out, 10/10 turn down, didn’t make him go into a self deprecating vortex

once again, it’s the age old relief of “yes, i got turned down by my crush, but it wasn’t my fault, because it turned out she was a lesbian”. idia had ran so many scenarios of being turned down, of his crush being disgusted at him, that it all being resolved into her not liking men at all is... almost relieving?

and you know what. he gets it. when he sees his figurines and posters of his favourite idols and anime girls it’s like well duh of course she likes girls because girls are cute?

he’s gonna have her rate his waifu tierlist. what? it’s not- it’s not weird, is it?! he’s just trying to bond, and- urgh, he kinda wants to know what her opinion on his waifus is. because his waifus are cute girls and she likes girls so ?? it makes sense? right? (idia might cry if she says his waifus aren’t That Good)

this whole ordeal might also result in the almost hilarious scenario in which ortho just straight up goes “Hey niichan, what is a lesbian?”

learning that his closest friend likes girls opens pandora’s box, the box being idia making his friend review every anime girl and gacha or visual novel girl that HE likes

malleus draconia

did you know reptiles are also quite gay? there’s even a species of lizard that’s just, entirely female. dragons are reptiles.

malleus, bless his heart, is not good at reading people. his crush will need to be Direct. trying to use metaphors like “I swing the other way”, or “I play for the other team” do nothing but further confuse him- when his crush finally cracks down and just goes “what I’m trying to say is I’m a lesbian” he finally, finally, understands what this is all about

malleus just... nods in understanding

he feels a little sad- it does sting, a bit, to know things can’t work out, but he’s also... happy. if she told him, that means she trusts him, right?

malleus is happy enough to just have A Friend in general, even if he’d never admit he’s usually lonely. most people tend to run from him or be so intimidated they shiver when they hear his name. and yet, against all odds, he’s found a friend who likes being by his side, someone who didn’t know all the baggage that comes with his name. he’d be a fool to tear down that friendship just because he’s learnt it’ll stay platonic

also, as mentioned before, it’s not like homosexuality is some sort of taboo or odd subject. it’s actually quite common amongst the fae, especially those in Malleus’ kingdom. although he does say he can’t introduce her to any cute fae girls. he.... is not friends with any. (he just doesn’t have a lot of friends in general, but he refuses to say that because he... doesn’t want to sound “mopey”, lile lilia says he is)

#twst #twisted wonderland #riddle rosehearts #leona kingscholar #azul ashengrotto #kalim al asim #vil schoenheit #idia shroud #malleus draconia #Anonymous

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downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles · 4 years ago

Text

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 5)

[Donnie x fem reader]

sfw, chapt. 4 here

Just as Donnie had predicted, the night air was cold on his scales. Right upon leaving, Mikey brought up to Leo going in pairs this time, to cover more ground, he said. An extra thorough patrol. Donnie honestly couldn't make up his mind and so by then he was flying by the seat of his pants, not objecting to Mikey's plan, but also not agreeing. He doubted Leo would be convinced, anyway. They didn't do duo patrols that often.

"I was thinking we could split up this time, you know, me and Donnie, you and Raph?" suggested Mikey, closing the manhole behind himself.

"I thought you liked it when we're all together," Leo commented.

Donnie shot Mikey a look, trying to tell him to cool it, but he shrugged, "Come on, it'll be like some kind of training or...something," Mikey went behind Leo and shook his shoulders, "aren't you into that?"

Internally, Donnie facepalmed. Unless he actively tried to stop this, it was going to happen, wasn't it? One way or another, probably; it all depended on how Leo was feeling that night. Raph was indifferent. He didn't care whether they were all together or in pairs, just that he got to flex his combat skills some. If he could, he'd go out and do it on his own, even.

Leo looked around, considering Mikey's suggestion. "Okay," he agreed, eventually. "You and Donnie take East, Raph and I will cover the usual route and then—"

"No," Mikey interjected. Both Leo and Raph's brows furrowed as they stared at their brother. He motioned toward Donnie, "Me and Donnie can take that, you guys just go on ahead," he smiled. "You know I like checking out the skatepark!"

"No skating," Leo said.

"I'll just watch whoever's there, then." He pouted.

Raph snorted. "Yeah, make sure he actually pays attention, Donnie."

"As usual," Donnie sighed, and looked at Leo.

"Well, what do you think, Don?"

The decision is up to me?

Turns out it was his all along, but he wanted to feign innocence in saying that Mikey was the one to drag him through it. Easier to not take responsibility and let life happen at you rather than making a conscious effort, at times.

"I guess we can do that," Donnie answered reluctantly. He could have said no. Why didn't he? In the corner of his eye, he saw Mikey beam, giving him a discreet thumbs up.

"Alright, meet back here by four AM, and if either of you run into big trouble, call. We'll come," Leo said. "Same for us."

"Yeah, we'll holler for ya," added Raph dismissively. "And nah, a big dog doesn't count as trouble, Mikey." He sounded gruff, but in actuality, he was still chuckling to himself over that years later. After they got over being annoyed that he had called them from that far while they were on a supply run. Chased by a junkyard dog—some of their least favorite parts about visiting those places.

"Hey, it was mean! And way fast!" Mikey protested as they parted ways, them taking to the East and red and blue the opposite way.

As per course, Donnie and Mikey took their normal route, and his heart skipped a beat when they met the scene of their last run-in with criminals. Not because of them, no, but because of the familiar apartment building that was now more intimidating than he'd expected. They circled the area like they normally would have, but Mikey came to stop them on a roof just opposite of the complex, eyes searching each window. Obscured by the height of the building, he sat on the edge.

Donnie didn't know what to do with himself. He stood back a good ten feet, somehow paranoid of being spotted even though he knew it was not possible from their angle in the complex. Mikey was comfortable, and weirdly at peace as he sat there quietly on the edge, assumed to be waiting for his brother to make a move. But Donnie was stuck in place.

"What are you waiting for, D?"

The sudden question broke him from his stillness. It was true; he didn't know what he was waiting for.

"I—I don't know what you want me to do, what are you thinking?" Donnie asked in return, stepping back a little further as he noticed movement behind the curtains of a lit window.

"Get your phone out and talk to her," Mikey told him, waving his hand at the apartments. "What did we come out here for if you aren't gonna make it right, bro? Do some smooth talk, tell her you're sorry and you wanna get to know her better…"

"This is absolutely a ridiculous plan," Donnie said, though as if his hands had thought of their own, they reached for his phone, and a moment later he was looking at the messages. Still nothing. Radio silence on both of their ends. How would he approach it? "I'm sorry I went from hot to cold so fast. Please talk to me again." Too strong. "Sorry, can we get a redo?" Too casual. "I'd like to apologise for being a jerk." Okay, that's just not good. Reconciling was going to be as difficult as he'd thought it would be.

Mikey came over and looked at his phone screen and his brother floundering, thumbs stuttering across the keyboard, deleting the text, retyping it over and over again for perfection where he wasn't going to find any–

"I got this, let Love Doctor Mikey handle it," he said, taking the phone right from Donnie's hand.

"You've never been in a relationship, not even talked to anyone, how would you—"

Mikey shushed him. Donnie was going to snatch the phone away but he spun around, draping himself over his shoulder. "Just let me work my magic, dude!"

Donnie couldn't watch; he had to turn away. How sure he was that Mikey was going to say something uncalled for, something weird or bone-headed, and the wait was killing him. What if she didn't even respond? Was that better than doing damage control for Mikey's shenanigans? For someone usually decisive, he could not for the life of him make up his mind about what he wanted at that very instance.

The phone vibrated.

Mikey cheered. "Got her on the line, now you just gotta reel 'em in," he grinned, handing the phone back to Donnie.

"Hey :/

I thought you wanted to stop?"

Mikey kept trying to lean over to catch a glimpse of the screen, but Donnie felt that it was a personal moment, so without skipping a beat, he activated the electric current in his staff and poked it behind him into his brother's plastron.

"Fine," Mikey whined. He stepped in one last time, "But don't hold out on me here!"

Trying to find an graceful way to patch this all up, Donnie replied:

"I apologise for that, and I know you probably want an explanation, but it's hard to explain

Moment of weakness?

I guess...

Anyway. I'm not expecting you to suddenly be cool with it, if you don't want to talk to me I understand

Sorry."

Mikey noticed Donnie's dismal expression and he mellowed out accordingly, standing close but not putting a hand on him, nor saying anything. He didn't watch the phone, but Donnie's face and slumped shoulders. He'd thought it would have been going better by now.

"I won't lie, I'm still confused

But if you're going through something, I'm right here for you

Don't worry about it. Just don't give me a spook like that again, I thought it was me

lol

Okay it's not funny but this is a little awkward"

Donnie's heart sank reading that. He'd made her feel bad, even question herself over his problem. Never had he wanted to make her think it was her that drove him off.

"No, no, it was never you

Again, I can't really explain…

Is it okay if we just try this again?

I understand if not."

"Jeez Bo, I already said it's alright

I WANT to keep talking to you, you're cool

So let's forget about it, yeah?

Friends again :) "

And like that, his heart took a leap. A smile slowly spread across his face, and without looking away from the screen, grabbed Mikey by the shell, pulling him toward. "Look at this!" he exclaimed.

"You see it too?" he quirked, pointing at the apartment complex across the road.

Donnie paused and looked over his shoulder at him, "What?"

On one of the balconies sat a lone girl, on her phone, and if Mikey looked hard enough, he could see a smile. Definitely a smile.

"Ah!" yelped Donnie quietly. He scurried back against the wall of the attached building behind him, as far as he could.

"Dude! Come on, this is perfect!" Mikey nudged him, and when he didn't hop up onto his feet, dragged his brother near the edge of the roof. Donnie was boneless but unwilling, his mind stuck on the fact that she thought he was cool. Him, cool. Was he? She didn't know even the half of it. She didn't know he was a martial artist, technically a genius, and that he'd gone against some of the worst the city had to offer. And without that, she still thought he was cool, as an average guy.

As average as what my circumstances will allow me to be.

Feet dragging all the way, Donnie's stomach did a flip as they met the ledge, peering carefully over it in a crouch. They were prone, watching the girl who was completely unaware of their presence. He was, simply put, enraptured, for a second there, studying her features as much as he could from where they were. The details of her face were not distinct due to the distance, but he could tell she was both nothing like he'd imagined and so much more. For once, he didn't immediately question the validity of the situation; there was no "it could be a coincidence", or "it's too unlikely that she would be out just as they were". Not right away. But it hit him when Mikey spoke.

"You're so lucky, D," he said wistfully. "Really." Head rested on his forearm, his gaze fell on not one thing, but the whole scene, a somber smile gracing him. He was excited, happy for his brother. But deep down, Donnie knew that though Mikey wasn't envious of him in a resentful way, it had to have stung to witness such a thing unfold for someone not himself. Their youngest had always craved connection the most. He looked away from the girl, "I wasn't gonna let you throw away an awesome chance, was I?"

Releasing a heavy breath, Donnie crawled away from the edge, but his eyes remained on that balcony. It was weird to watch someone who didn't know they were being watched. Not in that context.

"I...guess I may be," Donnie responded. But it would only get more complicated from there. His phone vibrated, breaking his trance, and the message he found read:

"Anyways, with that out of the way, what are you doing?"

Just watching you from a roof, nothing much, Donnie thought.

"Currently out enjoying the night"

"Isn't it kinda cold?"

"What about you?"

He knew what he meant, because he was there watching her as a chilled breeze rolled through, but she told him she wasn't doing anything. Only relaxing and talking to him.

It took him a few minutes to get his bearings. To know that he now had tangible evidence that she was a girl, an ordinary person, and that said person really thought he was cool. Worth the effort. He felt exceedingly difficult for not being able to give her a rightful explanation, but comforted by the fact that he wasn't being demanded of one. He felt light. Almost weightless, with Mikey next to him instead of his other cynical, skeptical brothers. For a moment, he had nothing to worry about.

From across the roof, he could still see the yawn escape her mouth. Probably an indicator that it was time to wrap things up. He didn't want her to stay up too late; it was already odd that she was up at such an hour, almost two AM, but glad nonetheless.

"Are you tired?"

"Yeah

I think I'm gonna hit the hay

So goodnight, Bo

Talk to you later (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞"

She got up, leaning on the railing which faced them.

"I want to stay up with you but—"

Donnie sucked in a sharp breath as she looked up, just barely able to see from underneath the balcony above her. He snagged the strap on Mikey's shell and yanked him back with him away from the edge of the roof, taking cover behind the wall.

"Shit," hissed Donnie, "do you think she saw us?"

These shells, they make us look so big!

"Relax, bro, even if she did, it was only a little bit. Besides, we could be anyone from this far, they don't have pigeon vision."

"You mean 'eagle vision'?"

"They're both birds!"

Donnie deadpanned and peeked over the wall. She'd gone in. Three minutes later, he hadn't gotten any texts yet about something weird on the rooftops, so he could finally relax, groaning lightly. "Too close," he breathed out, "Mikey, we need to go, Leo's going to notice we're not back in time if we don't hurry up and get the rest of this route done."

"Already on it," he whooped, vaulting onto the next roof.

As Donnie was scaling the wall of the attached building, he felt his phone vibrate, and curious, he checked it one last time before getting on his way.

"One question before I go

You ever see stuff you can't explain but even if you did you'd sound crazy?"

Oh, no.

"No, I don't."

Chapter 6

#donatello x reader #tmnt donnie #tmnt fanfiction #donnie x reader #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt x reader #tmnt 2016 #tmnt 2014 #tmnt bayverse #donatello #leonardo #raphael #michelangelo #fanfiction #leo #donnie #raph #mikey #tmnt

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captainkirbypunch · 4 years ago

Text

My love has left tumblr once again.

As many of you may know, the account under the name MDZADR, has left tumblr. They felt unsafe in their fandom, and as such have deleted their tumblr and AO3 account due to the bad memories linked to them.

As a part of their departure, they have asked me to post something in their name, as follows.

If you want more details about how I came to this realization, continue to read. If not, here is your summary:

TL;DR: For the safety and health of this fandom, I wanted to spread the word that Mooping-10 is filled with people who absolutely cannot be trusted, creating a very hazardous environment for the zadr community, and MelodyoftheVoid is connected to all of those people, living a double life amongst those of us that don’t “ship zadr correctly.” She has plenty of friends her inner circle knows nothing about, and nobody on either side knows who she really is.

Full story below.

I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. Nobody did anything to me today, but this just wasn’t worth it.

My AO3 and tumblr are both gone. I didn’t say goodbye because I didn’t want to look like an attention seeker.

Here’s the thing. I wasn’t going to name drop, but you guys need to know the truth. I’m instructing my boyfriend (hi y’all) to turn asks off for his own safety after this because this is going to be a nightmare, but... allow me to tell you the full story. I’ll try to break up the text so it’s less difficult to read, but this is important. I’m sorry to air discourse so publicly, but please... I need you to listen to me.

I’ll start from the beginning, without being vague anymore about who “she” is. I request that you please read the whole thing and not skip parts of it. The whole story matters.

I finally returned to the fandom about two months or so ago. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t do well in my thoughts while left alone too long, so I posted saying I would stop messaging people I knew because I didn’t want to bother them. There were only two people I was talking to at the time, but one of them is famous so I didn’t want to message her directly saying that. Doing so would have put her in a position of feeling obligated to say “you’re not bothering me” rather than just simply being able to sigh with relief from no longer being contacted.

But the first person to contact me was the famous person, and she asked if I was okay, and told me she liked talking to me.

God, I actually cried.

But, that’s just her. Melodyofthevoid is the type of person to talk to people in the fandom, totally unaware of her demigod status. She comments on stories, interacts on posts, messages first... a pillar of kindness, so it seemed.

But let the story continue.

Over time, we were talking more often.

Mostly sending memes (cause everyone I knew, myself included, aren’t exactly great at holding conversations. No shade. Memes are a love language). I was still in the hero worship stage of our relationship, so my view of her was that that was perfect.

Now, let me bridge a connection with a new story idea I got around December 28th or so, and my thinking she was perfect.

I had recently finished watching Madoka and questioned “If I had magical powers, what would they be?” It then turned into its own story idea, basing creators’ powers around the strengths and weaknesses in creations. I actually realized “oh fuck. My stuff is incoherent. My friends’ works aren’t too different...”

Thus spawned the name “Incoherent” for the project.

What does that have to do with this? Well, here’s the thing that really fucked everything up quickly.

This was not on purpose, because originally the project (which I had told nobody of yet at the time) was all about improving your works, making platonic friends, dressing our personas in cute outfits, and writing fun magic.

While listening to music and thinking of the story one day, my brain accidentally shipped my persona with hers, and I couldn’t unsee it. And I’m lousy at keeping my own secrets (other’s are different) so she found out on probably day one or two about my weird crush because of an ask meme of all things.

She didn’t try to put me off any, which was another problem for future things to come, and so I decided that since Incoherent was finally making me feel alive again and feeling the euphoric feelings of love wouldn’t hurt anything (I figured they’d mellow out on their own eventually because that’s how infatuation works) since they helped fuel my inspiration, and then we would just continue from friends to better friends one day and this part of our lives would be over.

Besides, the forbidden is attractive somehow, and makes stories more entertaining. She’s aro/ace, so I had no chance anyway. Someone safe to crush on, in her own way.

This isn’t a story of a love betrayal however. There was no such thing. But it’s important to the story because Incoherent is where my mistakes were made, and hers brought to light.

By this time, I had a handful of people I was talking to, and I created a discord server for the project. Only my boyfriend (hi!) and I were in it at the time. I was not-so-subtly asking my friends what they’d look like if they were a magical person, what their names would be... I thought I would have had to lure Melody in to make her want to join us, but I managed to get her in very easily. Everyone was happy and excited! It was a no obligation, no time limit thing for us to enjoy, a little sandbox to play around in.

Sure there were plans to make it bigger and I was working on art to the best of my ability, but it was gonna be a fun thing mostly. No pressure on anyone.

And how things started becoming a problem was that the rest of us posted publicly about the project and interacted with each other’s posts relating to the story, but she had started to interact publicly less and less with our things, and everyone noticed it.

It wasn’t because we were greedy and wanted the popular girl to reblog our things. It’s because we had a feeling she was ashamed of being seen publicly with us. The reason we were worried before then and started making that connection was because I mentioned I was going to ask another user if they were interested in joining Incoherent. Melody was the only one that seemed uncomfortable, and I messaged her asking about it. We agreed I wouldn’t invite that person but I knew things were off about it.

That person is like me. How long until Melody didn’t want to talk to me anymore? A few days ago, the other shoe finally dropped. A member of our little group and I were talking and (let’s call them Friend for simplicity. They asked to not be name dropped here) Friend was worried they had made Melody upset by tagging her in a meme picture they drew of her persona, and the two had agreed that Friend remove the tag. This spawned an anxiety-filled conversation where Friend and I expressed our concerns about Melody not interacting with the project, or us.

So since I wanted reassurance that that wasn’t the case, I messaged Melody with my concerns. I told her I had the feeling she was ashamed of being seen in public with us because of her friends, and she didn’t refute me. She simply told me to go get some rest. I messaged back with “I’m right.”

I deleted Discord off my phone for hours and nearly deleted my Tumblr, AO3, and the server after my boyfriend helped pass messages between us. Melody confessed that was the case because her friends expressed discomfort with my works, and she was playing both sides.

Her words, not mine.

Melody told me she would be withdrawing from the Incoherent project because it wasn’t fair to us if her heart wasn’t in it.

She didn’t stand up on my behalf when they said things about me. Her friends are the type who talk behind creators’ backs for shipping zadr “incorrectly.” Worse than antis because they actually participate in the “pro-shipping” side of the fandom. I broke that day and messaged her at 3 am.

We finally spoke at 3pm. We both missed each other. I tried to understand more. I wanted it to be more like a conversation rather than an interrogation. It was only one-sided however, and she never opened up further. And I made some mistakes and poor choices of words, and we ended up parting ways permanently right there.

I nearly deleted everything, but much like a coma patient attached to many machines on a hospital bed, my blog was kept alive a little longer by people sending kind words in droves. I was briefly fuelled by spite, wishing to watch the world burn by making everyone on the "correct" side of the fandom upset by posting the worst, most vile content this fandom has ever seen.

I was also welcomed with open arms by a very kind server with fellow degenerates, all of them screaming and crying and partying when they managed to get me in their server. It was so heartwarming...

But as I spoke to others about my situation, I realized something. A disturbing pattern.

People telling me horror stories about how Mooping-10 was cult-like. How the people running it were antis. I was even told once that they have a secondary server where they go to have their talks and do their work, likely the place where the real bashing is held.

The server itself has rules against such behavior, but I suppose it's different when they do it.

One person (and this is the most unnerving part for me, personally) told me Melody actually set off alarm bells in their head without having even done anything yet, and the most disturbing part of the story was that one of the moderators was afraid and upset because they got Covid, and received basically no moral support at all. Only getting told "spoiler that. Sorry you got Covid".

I was horrified. That server has 100 people in it. How many of them are the same? They act like popular kids in school who picked up an unpopular main character and then bash others, and the main character joined in because they don't want to be left behind by their new "friends".

To put it short, back to my point:

TL;DR: I simply only wanted to spread the word that: Mooping-10 is filled with people who absolutely cannot be trusted, creating a very hazardous environment for the zadr community, and Melodyofthevoid is connected to all of those people, living a double life amongst those of us that don't "ship zadr correctly". She has plenty of friends her inner circle knows nothing about, and nobody on either side knows who she really is.

#Invader Zim #zadr #tagr #rapr #zagr #mdzadr #MelodyoftheVoid

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themalhambird · 4 years ago

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Growing Up Broken: I Talk About My (A)sexuality For 4 ¼ Pages.

I am asexual.

No, this doesn’t mean that I’m some form of plant budding off copies of myself if I get enough water and sunlight. It’s a shame. I could do a lot with multiple copies of myself- get someone else to do the dishes, the cleaning, my schoolwork…

I am asexual.

Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, would possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do.

I am asexual, and it’s almost Pride Month, and so I want to untangle some of the thoughts in my head and spin them out on to paper, to try and lay out my feelings about my sexuality, or lack thereof, and what it’s like growing up when no one bothers to tell you that not experiencing sexual desire like, ever, is a thing. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

It’s 2014. Puberty has doing stuff to me for the last two years or so: periods (urgh), breasts (neat!), underarm hair (why do I have to shave this? no one’s gonna see it), growth spurts (I’m getting taller than my older sister. I want to keep going till I’m taller than mum). The only thing not happening is wanting to have sex, something the nurse who came to Talk To Us All About Growing Up back in 2009 assured us Year Sixes would definitely happen as soon as puberty hit.

Still. It’ll happen soon, probably. Sixteen is still a bit too young to be having sexual feelings, right? The boys…really not interesting at all, but the other girls are pretty. I like their hair. I like the shape of their bodies. I just don’t fancy any of them. When we’re told to imagine our future husbands or wives in class (don’t ask my why, I’ve long forgotten the point of the exercise, I just remember that) I picture a wife.

(Lesbian is the first label I apply to myself. I stick it on tentatively- keep peeling it off my shirt and putting it back somewhere different like I’m not quite sure where it fits. It’s not wrong, necessarily. I’m just not certain it’s right. I like girls a whole lot better but I’m not saying I could never love a guy. I’m just not attracted to them. I’m not attracted to women, either- but I feel like I will be. When I’m old enough to feel that kind of thing. )

Sex Ed lessons are mortifying. We’re asked to list all the sexual terms we know on an A3 sheet of paper. I don’t know what half the things other people say mean- blowjob, 69, masturbate, porn . I don’t know how other people know these things either. We’re sixteen. It’s too young.

That summer I play Sebastian in an abridged version of Twelfth Night and it convinces me to take Drama at A-level, although I didn’t at GCSE. The drama classes teach me two things. First of all, I don’t like acting women. I prefer breeches rolls. I don’t know why. We’re talking about my asexuality, not my gender confusion, so let’s put a pin in that and move on to point two. My drama class teaches me that everyone my age is having sex, or wants to have sex, or is planning on having sex soon; sex is a constant, every class, every conversation. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So apparently sixteen (seventeen) isn’t too young after all.

It’s like this. One day you wake up and you realise that everyone else is speaking a language you don’t understand. Suddenly, sexual feelings aren’t something that no one your age is having but you’ll all develop soon- it’s that sexual feelings are something that everybody your age is having apart from you. People your age are dating, kissing, fucking, and it’s not something you’re interested in doing, necessarily, but you still feel so horribly left out. Like you’re missing some kind of major milestone. You try not to let it bother you- you watch Buffy every Monday you get to see your dad. (You watch loss of virginity be portrayed as growing up). You read. (The books you pick up all involve love and love always seems to at least imply sex). You- google things. You google the words you didn’t understand in that sex ed class. You google “how to tell if you’re attracted to someone” in case there’s some secret signal your body sent you that you missed. You feel like you should know if you’ve ever felt sexual attraction but then maybe you’re just really, really dumb. Maybe there’s something wrong with you. The NHS website reckons that if you’ve got a low sex drive you ought to see a doctor. The girls in your drama class keep talking about boys and sex and sex and boys and you aren’t really interested in either of those things. You cling to the thought, lesbian and hope that when you get to university, you’ll stop being so repressed. Girls are pretty- but the ones at school are either your friends or kind of mean. Of course you don’t fancy anyone there. University. University will save you. (Boys are sometimes pretty too. There are boys at school whose personalities are nice enough- who are the type of man you wouldn’t mind dating one day maybe- but you can’t ever picture yourself having sex with one. Dicks seem weird and really not the kind of thing you’d want inside you. I mean for fuck’s sake- why? You can’t even get a tampon in.)

I don’t like looking back on this. Sixteen, seventeen year old me was starting to get pretty freaked out. I like looking back at the first year of uni even less, because if seventeen year old me was freaking out, eighteen year old me was buying alcohol. That’s how it goes, right? Sex and alcohol. You see it all the time on T.V. Fictional people get fictional drunk and fictional cheat while they’re on fictional breaks with their fictional partners. David Tennant is pretty. A man at work is handsome and more importantly intelligent, into Shakespeare, into good conversation. The label switches from lesbian to ‘bisexual but heavily skewed toward women’ and I cling to that as tightly as possible because after that, I’m out of options. It is impossible that I’m not feeling sexual attraction: the whole world screams about sexual fucking attraction all the fucking time, I’m obviously just too uptight, I obviously just need to relax-

I once drank a whole bottle of wine in what was essentially one go. I paused for breath, but that was about it- I don’t think I even bothered with a glass. My goal was to get myself drunk enough that I could feel sexual attraction. I thought that the best way to go about things- to finally ‘grow up’- would be to get super drunk, and then leave the flat and find someone who would screw me. I reasoned that I would enjoy it once I was doing it- after all, the whole world pushes sex as this wholly desirable thing for any normal adult to want, even need- so I would like it once I was doing it and then I would be fixed. Fortunately, drinking a whole bottle of wine when you’ve never had more than a single glass of champagne or a couple of glasses of rum and apple juice before in your life gets you past “lowered inhibitions” to “can’t walk straight or upright” very quickly. I got as far as the bathroom, threw up, a lot, and staggered back to my room. I woke up at 3 pm the next afternoon feeling stupid for drinking, and mad at myself for still being a virgin.

I had a lot of problems in my first year of university and not all of them were about my sexuality crisis. I was isolated, fairly friendless, and not really cut out for socialising with my housemates who were probably all lovely people, but I find new people painfully difficult and hiding away seemed easier. But the feeling that there was something broken inside me because I wasn’t experiencing what everything seemed to be telling me was one of the most vital parts of the human experience- sexual attraction to other people- contributed to my general feelings of self-loathing and disgust. I attempted to induce sexual desire in myself by drinking on several further occasions, although never quite to the same extent as the first time. I’m not sure whether this counts as self-harm, but it certainly wasn’t healthy.

I didn’t know asexuality was a thing.

I knew I wasn’t straight- I’d known that for a while. I learnt that I enjoyed reading, talking, even writing about sex, as long as it was sex between people who weren’t real, but fantasising about fictional characters having sex and fantasying about myself having sex are two very different things. The former happened fairly frequently. The latter didn’t happen once, and still never has. My second year at university was better than my first: I was living with friends, I was further away from campus which meant I had to walk more, which probably helped, I had also started to make several friends online with whom I could happily chat even when I wasn’t in the mood for ‘actual’ people. I used bisexual to describe myself because on the rare occasions I thought about romance, I couldn’t really see myself ruling out anyone who was willing to put up with me.

I’m not quite clear when I first heard the term ‘asexuality’. I became aware of it gradually. Someone I followed on Tumblr identified as ‘grey-ace’. Characters from my favourite fantasy series were being headcanoned as ‘asexual’. At some point I must have learnt properly what that meant.

It sometimes feels like there ought to have been a lightbulb moment- like I should have seen the word, seen the definition, and instantly seen myself. But it is very, very hard to delete the message- ‘sex is important- sex is what grown-ups do- sex is what you should want to do’ – that the world constantly sends to us: in advertising, in entertainment, in the conversations of a drama class that always circled back to that topic, to the detriment of the sole seventeen year old who wasn’t really bothered. To embrace asexuality seemed like I was giving up on trying to fix myself, on waiting for the right person to come and make everything better. On the potential of their being a right person. I can wrap my head around people having casual sex very easily. It’s romantic love without sexual desire that I’m scared won’t work- how am I supposed to know if it’s love without there also being physical attraction? No romance arc that I had ever seen was without an element of sexual tension. So, no lightbulb moment for me. No switch going off- “aha, at last, that’s what I am!”. Just a gradual thought washing across my mind every now and then, like the tide rushing up a patch of sand and drawing straight back, leaving only dampness to show where there had been a good half-inch of water only a moment ago.

I might be asexual?

And ‘I might’ becomes ‘I think I am’, and the tide starts coming in. ‘I think I am’ became ‘I am’ at some point or other.

I am asexual.

I find reassurance in knowing that there’s a word for what I am, for how I (do not) feel. I am asexual. Not broken, or damaged, or too uptight to properly feel, or too dumb to recognise what I do feel. I am asexual- I have an absence of any sexual desire for others and that’s perfectly okay. I might fall in love one day. I might not. I don’t know how you’re supposed to know if you have the capacity to fall in love before you find yourself doing it. It might be nice to have a wife. It would also be nice to have a cat. I could cope with it just being me, a cat, and good friends for the rest of my life. If I fall in love- if I am capable of falling in love- it will just mean I am asexual, but romantic, and I will have learnt something new about myself. The point is-

The point is, I am incredibly lucky that I stumbled across Asexuality before I got myself hurt trying to force something that wasn’t there. The point is, this world assumes that sexual desires are the norm, and maybe they are, but that just makes it all the more important that people know that they aren’t abnormal for not experiencing sexual desire. To all the people who need to hear it: You are not broken. You are not alone.

I’m not sure how to wrap this up. I feel like I should say something profound or something. But I think I’m just gonna leave it like this:

I am asexual. Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, and possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do. I am not broken. I am not ‘going through a phase’ or ‘looking for attention’ or ‘trying to be special’. Everyone’s special, fuck you. Knowing that I am not the only person to feel how I feel makes me feel like I’m standing on solid ground. May all people experiencing the same confusion and distress over their sexual orientation that I felt growing up find their way safely to the same solid ground: you are not broken. We’re not broken.

#asexuality #wow this got long #no i haven't proof read it i just wanted to get it off my chest #discussion of sex tw #alcohol tw #self harm tw #(mostly just in case I'm not sure if it counts or not)#I don't know what this is except a long winded account of growing up asexual when you don't know that's a thing and how you cope with that #or- y'know- don't cope with that #maybe someone else will find it helpful or relatable idk

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vietzuko · 4 years ago

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if we used to share a discord server, this post is for you!

hello! i am going to try to do this as anonymously and non-confrontationally as possible. i do not want this to be a spectacle or call out post, but i will say that i am quite disturbed by the way situations have transpired on the server.

in case you didn’t notice, i left! when i left, i wrote a little goodbye post in #general, which has since been deleted. either the mods deleted my goodbye or they banned me from the server (which automatically would delete my message). in case you didn’t see it, here was my goodbye message:

hi everyone, i’m leaving the server. if you’re a POC who is interested in joining an ATLA server where POC can talk about ATLA and critically discuss race, feel free to PM me for a link! otherwise, this is goodbye. see you all around.

i won’t rehash everything that happened in the events leading to this, nor will i name names in this post. if you were on the server, you probably saw what happened publicly or you can message me personally, either here or on discord. if we know each other through the server and you want some clarity over names/events in this post, please PM me.

if you are a POC in the ATLA fandom who is concerned by the events of this post and you would like me to clarify which server i’m talking about, please PM me.

i just wanted to share the very long message that i sent to the mods (on their prompting!) because i feel that it shows my perspective on what transpired. unfortunately, this message did not result in any meaningful change, except for me getting banned/my messages removed from the server. i suppose that’s a type of meaning! haha.

anyway. here’s the message. cw for racism, yellowface

hi MOD 1 (and presumably the other mods who will read this message)! thanks for reaching out. i’ve had some time to dwell on the situation and discuss it with other people in the server who witnessed it and reached out to me personally. this is going to be an unbelievably long message, so i apologize in advance and thank you for your time in reading it.

i think the first thing i’d like to do is give some context for the incident and to give my perspective on why i said the things i said.

i have PMed a mod about a racist incident in the server exactly once. it was when i first joined, and i saw a picture of a white person in yellowface in the cosplay channel. i didn’t know any of you personally yet (and this was before some of you even joined on as mods). i have since told SERVER MEMBER 1 about this incident and i’m pretty sure they mentioned it to you because i noticed you’ve changed the yellowface rule. but i think that the context of me pinging a mod about a racist incident and then witnessing another (although less egregious) instance of racism by the mods might explain why i am, in general, hesitant about talking to mods about racism on the server. i am just trying to live my life and experience as few micro-aggressions as possible.

i also think the fact that i regularly educate and push back against white people’s racially harmful messages in the server is also important context. i realize none of you likely know this, but about every two weeks i receive an unsolicited PM from a different white person apologizing/asking for forgiveness/asking for reassurance/asking further questions about their racism on the server. i’m glad people are learning from me, but this is a huge amount of emotional labor that i put into the server and its members because of course i have to reply and explain things and tell them not to worry and thank them for apologizing, etc. i know that these messages aren’t your fault, nor am i asking you to do anything about this. but it feels important that you know the price that i (and perhaps other poc in the server, although i can’t speak to that) pay in order to share space with you.

MOD 2 has even messaged me personally to thank me for educating people in the server and responding to racist messages, saying: “really appreciate how much effort you put in and everything, i was trying to type something up but floundering badly.” it was a nice message, and i appreciated it a lot! it also led me to believe that the mods would prefer if i engage with racist messages myself, rather than ping them, because it felt like i was just going to be more able/willing to articulate a response anyway.

so when SERVER MEMBER 2 messaged the zukka channel “thought that lives in my head rent free: Sokka's hairstyle in canon is just a warrior's hairstyle and has meaning because of that. Sokka wearing the same hairstyle in a modern AU is undisputably queer-coded” and nobody replied for a while, i assumed that it was because they had seen what i had seen-- a racially insensitive message that totally ignores sokka’s indigenous heritage and the history behind indigenous hair-- so i decided to step in with what i thought was a balanced response.

SERVER MEMBER 2 then replied with a cheery “Fair enough! I will defer to your greater knowledge,” which i couldn’t tell was sarcastic or not, but i decided to be generous and to believe they were genuinely thankful for my reply, so i responded with a “you too can have great knowledge. i only know things because i read things. anyone can read things and learn,” which is something i firmly believe and also a way to divert the conversation away from SERVER MEMBER 2’s mistake, which i felt was the most dignified solution for them. i suppose this message could be read as aggressive because i didn’t use exclamation marks? but that feels unfair and ungenerous because i genuinely did not mean this message in a harsh way.

then SERVER MEMBER 3 jumped in and asked a few questions, which i read as a request for clarification, so i tried to continue to explain my point. it felt like SERVER MEMBER 3 wasn’t understanding what i was trying to explain, or at least i wasn’t able to articulate myself well enough, which was making me a little tired and stressy (and i was also thinking about my own race and queerness in stressful and triggering ways), so i decided to tap out of the conversation.

me: dude i love u and i respect u and i truly believe that u are trying very hard to understand, but this conversation is making me kinda heated

SERVER MEMBER 3: I’m gonna step back from it because it’s not my conversation to insert myself into, which is what I did initially and apologize for

me: i think it's so important to engage + ask questions & i appreciate that u respect my opinions on these things, but i think i'm just. i have said what i need to say and now must sleep. much love to all.

to me, this felt like me expressing that i was feeling tired and upset and leaving the conversation, while still attempting to reassure SERVER MEMBER 3 that i still admired him as a friend. i felt like the conversation had ended peacefully!

i hope this helps explain why MOD 3’s message came as such a surprise.

“the escalation to defensiveness and accusation regarding the original (relatively benign) statement was unnecessary and exaggerated. There’s an atmosphere of purity policing that’s been growing, which is why I took away the squick channel, as I assumed that a space that encouraged no repercussions was facilitating irresponsibility aggressive arguments. “

i truly didn’t believe i was being defensive. i was very careful not to accuse anyone of anything. in fact, i tried as far as i could to coat my language in “i” statements-- “i would personally not choose…”, “i would just. stay away from…” in order to avoid “accusations.” i was also trying very hard not to be aggressive, and i (and other poc that i have spoken to about this) believe that the idea that my messages were aggressive is racialized. just because a poc is upset about racism, it doesn’t mean they’re attacking you personally!

i feel so hurt that my messages were wilfully interpreted in this way, instead of being read generously and from a more compassionate perspective, especially since i voiced my own upset and discomfort during the conversation. it distresses me to think that me expressing negative emotions is seen as aggressive, rather than a cause for empathy or care, and i do believe that this is because of my race.

if a mod had asked me to take the messages to the DMs or to squick or even just let me know that someone was interpreting my messages as aggressive, i would have changed my behavior. (like i said earlier, i spend a HUGE amount of energy coddling white people on this server. i am very used to it.)

instead, i got the shock of 45 minutes after the fact, being publicly chastised and labeled as aggressive and being told that my conversation was “something nasty or unwanted.”

the idea that SERVER MEMBER 3 was de-escalating a “clearly escalating situation” feels untrue to me. i was ready to move on after i sent my message to SERVER MEMBER 2, but he kept engaging me on the subject! (no hate to SERVER MEMBER 3 on this.)

i think one of the most painful parts of this whole situation is the implication that i was attempting to “purity police,” as though i am a person who picks fights just because i want to feel good about picking fights?? or to act holier-than-thou???? i do not do this. if you have witnessed ANY interaction i’ve had with a racially insensitive white person on the server, you will know this.

i am simply a person of color trying to live my life. i do not want to fight about racism. i want to chill out and watch my cartoons. unfortunately, sometimes, someone will say something that i consider racially insensitive and i will do my best to engage and explain why i find this insensitive. that is all. (it is important to note that most of the time, when i see racially insensitive things on the server, i do not say anything because i am tired and it is a lot of effort to engage. i truly only engaged this time because nobody had replied to the message and i was just like, oh, fine, i guess i’ll educate, since no one else has!)

this whole incident has honestly made me really hurt and disrespected. i have enjoyed my time on the server and i have made some good friends there. however, it feels clearer and clearer to me that the server is a space where white feelings of safety (not being criticized for their racist content) are prioritized over poc’s feelings of safety (not having to witness and experience racist content). i sincerely considered myself to be an active and enthusiastic member of the server, maybe even friends with some of you, but it feels to me that all of our previous positive interactions have been displaced by this idea of me as an aggressive, overzealous purity cop who calls things racist for fun.

i don’t even know how to repair my relationship with the server after this because i really do feel horrible and sick about the whole thing. i have spoken to other poc who also expressed their concerns about the way the mods handled the situation, even if these other poc weren’t directly involved, and some of us are considering leaving the server, if we haven’t already. (i would also like to note that these people reached out to me, unprompted, to make sure i was doing okay after what they and i interpreted as a micro-aggression by the mods. like, we independently read the situation in this way.)

(also, not sure if this matters, but i talked to SERVER MEMBER 3 the morning after the incident because i wanted to make sure he was okay, and we both ended up apologizing to each other and having a really good and productive talk.)

thanks again for reading this. i hope that you’ll be able to better understand my perspective on what occurred. i truly appreciate the work that you put into the server (especially as someone who also puts work into the server lol), and i know it’s difficult to mod a large server (i also mod an atla server!), but i continue to feel hurt about this. i know it’s hard to read tone over server messages, but i really wish that my (and SERVER MEMBER 4′s and SERVER MEMBER 5′s ) server messages had been read with greater compassion.

...

and that’s all folks! i’m going to be remaking my blog soon, partially because this whole experience has exhausted me and partially because i have been meaning to anonymize my internet presence for some time.

#felix.txt

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dreamer-snail · 4 years ago

Text

Rebel Companies Prologue

Word Count: 1557

Warnings: sibling quarrels?, I don’t think swears but maybe, unedited

A/N: Look, did I start further back in the scene than needed? Probably, but I wrote stuff that I don’t feel like deleting so just be happy I’m writing human words 😅. There’s not too much scene setting here so sorry if it gets confusing. And if you didn’t read Y/N’s Backstory yet, check it out!

*I don’t own Uncharted or whatever so credit to the lines/scenes I took from the game. If you want to watch some of the walkthrough for visual references, I started the scene here at about 16:00 to the end*

|| MASTERLIST || SERIES MAST. || BOOK I MAST. ||

|| NEXT>>> ||

⟐ ⟐ ⟐ ⟐ ⟐

“This is bad,” Nathan mumbles, leaning his forearms along to cool metal of the railing, looking out on the water.

Nate couldn’t believe his brother was here. After, what--15 years?--Samuel Drake turns up alive, having been in prison all those years, and then just shows up to find his little brother? The two Drakes stayed awake all night--just catching up on the things Sam had missed and all the adventures Nathan has been on. But once the sun’s rays grazed the river and the streets of New Orleans, the eldest Drake revealed the real reason he was here: to find Henry Avery’s treasure--the treasure that started it all. But this time if Sam can’t find it, he’ll be dead.

“Well, we’ll just pick up the trail where we left off and--”

“Wait, trail?” Nathan cuts in sarcastically, glancing at his older brother, “Sam, there’s no trail. After Rafe and I escaped he took his parents’ fortune and bought up all the land around Saint Dismas Cathedral. We combed that place for weeks--Avery’s treasure isn’t there.”

Sam slowly lifts his left hand to inhale the smoke from his cigarette, appearing calm despite Nathan’s words. As Sam breathes out, Nate continues, with an almost distant look in his eyes.

“Not that that stopped Rafe . . . moron’s been digging for years, still hasn’t turned up squat.” Sam wiggles his head a little.

“Not really surprised,” he comments somewhat cockily while taking another drag.

Furrowing his brows and glancing at his brother, Nate asks, “What does that mean?” In response, Sam shrugs his shoulders and reaches for something in his jean jacket pocket.

“Well, just--ya know, I happened to do a little digging of my own, and uh,” Sam pauses to show the folded paper between his fingers to Nathan, “bet you Rafe doesn’t have this.” With a little huff, Nate snatches the paper out of Sam’s hand before unfolding it.

“It’s really amazing what you can find on the internet these days . . .” Sam breathes out. Confused, Nathan sighs before responding to his brother’s comment.

“It’s just the Saint Dismas’s Cross.”

“Oh, is it?” Sam questions confidently, “Because the one we found was broken and hollow, remember?” With that, Sam turns his head to the younger Drake, waiting for a response. Shocked, Nate looks closer at the picture.

“Holy crap, it’s still intact,” he breathes out, just above a whisper. Lost in thought, Nathan’s eyes move around, realizing what this information means.

“Avery . . . made more than one cross.”

“So whatever is missing from the one in Panama . . .” Sam leaves in the air while he stands up straight.

“. . . is probably still inside this one,” Nate finishes, waving the paper up and down in his hand, eyes widening. Sam smirks and nods his head with a confirming hum. Nathan does a little happy scoff, almost not believing that after all these years, there’s still more to Avery’s story.

“Well alright! Where is this?” Nate asks, referring to the cross.

“Oh this,” Sam starts playfully, plucking the paper from Nate’s hand, “exquisite piece is going up for auction in three days at the Rossi estate.” Sam folds the paper, tucking it away, and faces his younger brother.

“The Rossi estate?” he questioned sarcastically.

“Oh, you know it?” Sam shots back in the same tone.

“Uh, yeah . . . and how do you plan on securing an invite to an exclusive--heavily guarded, black market auction?” Sam nods and shrugs his shoulders.

“Well, you don’t necessarily need an invitation,” he says slowly, waving his hands for emphasis, “per say.” Nate, knowing his brother will just sneak in, asks a different question as the two men turn back to the water.

“Where are you going to get the money to outbid all the high rollers? I could take a second mortgage out on my house and still not have enough . . . to--” Nate realizes what his brother’s silence means, muttering, “yeah, you’re gonna try and steal it, huh?” Nate bows his head while Sam shakes his and chuckles.

“No,” the eldest Drake starts, pulling the cig from his mouth, “we are,” he finishes seriously, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. Nathan, realizing what his brother is suggesting, immediately shakes his head.

“Oh no. No, man, listen I’m--I can’t,” Nates backs away, “I-I’m out.”

“What?” Sam voices, furrowing his brows, and turns towards his brother in confusion.

“No, I-I-I just don’t do that kind of thing anymore,” Nate pauses. “Besides there are plenty of other guys that are much more equipped,” Sam scoffs in the background while Nathan keeps going, “to . . . handle this kind of thing!” Sam shakes his and walks to his little brother.

“Like who?

“Um--” Nate quickly grabs his phone, scrolling through his contacts, looking for a name.

“No, no, no--” Sam repeats over Nate.

“Look--I know there’s someone in here--”

“No, no,” Sam finally cuts off, “Absolutely not. I don’t trust anybody in that phone with my life, okay? . . . I need you on this one,” Sam finishes softly, looking into his brother’s eyes. Not knowing what to say, Nathan shakes his head, searching for an answer.

“Sam, there’s gotta be another way.” And Sam only sighs sadly at that.

“Not with the time I got left,” he whispers, walking back to the railing, tossing the end of his cig before pulling a new one from the pack in his pocket. Conflicting thoughts swim in Nathan’s head, but, in the end . . . he knows what he has to do. Calling up Elana, his wife, Nathan makes up a story about his boss having the permits for the Mylasian job as a cover. Finishing the call, he walks back to the railing where Sam is, and harshly grips the metal.

What am I going to do, Nate wonders. He just lied to his wife and now he’s expected to risk his life to save his brother? Despite his frustration, Nathan knows he would do anything for his brother, determined to save him and make up for last time . . . Nathan ruffles his hair and decides to dive right in.

“Listen, Sam,” the eldest looks to his little brother, “if I’m going to do this--if we are, it can’t just be the two of us.” Nathan waits for his brother’s response, seeing the aggravated expression on his face.

“Nate, I already said I don’t want anyone else--I don’t trust them!” Sam all but yells. However, Nathan is determined to persuade his brother.

“But you trust me, right?” Nate questions with a raised voice. Sam remains silent, eyes still on Nathan.

“You trust me, so trust me when I say we’re going to need more help. Listen, I’ve done this before, okay--I know what the stakes are . . . it’s never as easy as the one time. There’s always more to the story, meaning we need more help.” When Nate finishes, he expects Sam to put up a fight, but notices that Sam is quiet. He gives a huff of annoyance before turning to his brother, gesturing for Nathan to continue. Happy with himself, Nate flips open his phone once again looking for people to help, but there aren’t many available options. Sighing, but still searching, Nathan breaks the silence between the two.

“Okay, well the only free person I can think of is Victor.” As soon as the name leaves Nate’s lips, Sam sighs and shakes his head in annoyance.

“Absolutely, not! Of all the people you could chose, I probably trust him the least--”

“Listen! Sully has a lot of connections, okay?” Sam leans his elbows on the railing and puts his head in his heads while Nate continues. “He’s great for getting in and scouting a place out. Plus he has a plane we can use, so he’s coming,” Nate finishes, lightly chopping his hand on the railing to signify the end of that part of the conversation. Sam just sighs and moves to take a harsh inhale of his cigarette, while Nate looks out at the bustling, New Orleans streets as people start their days.

“But it can’t just be Sully--he’s getting too old for all the climbing around we do so . . .” Nate trails off while looking through his contacts once again.

Sam sings lowly, “He doesn’t even have to come . . .”

“Sam--” Nate sighs frustratedly, and his brother holds up his hands in mock defense, exhaling the smoke from his lungs. Nathan pauses to think of who else would be willing to join. “Look if we’re gonna do this, Sam, we’re gonna do it right, meaning we need another body to keep an eye on things or at least be there as backup for when things can go to shit,” he reinforces.

Finally, after scrolling through a few times, Nathan realizes he’s out of options and settles for the name on his screen. Sam, sensing his brother’s stillness, glances over.

“So, who did you have in mind, little brother?” Sam mumbles with the cigarette that’s in his mouth.

“A, uh, friend of a friend--” Nate responds, immediately receiving a glare from Sam. “--a trustworthy friend of a friend. We’ve only met once, but she’s just as committed to this sort of thing as I was.”

Nathan shoves the phone towards his brother who grabs the rectangle and looks closer at the name. Raising an eyebrow at his brother, Sam looks up before questioning, “Who the hell is Y/N L/N?”

⟐ ⟐ ⟐ ⟐ ⟐

A/N: Hope you liked it! The next part won’t becoming out for a while since I want to write the whole series first then release the parts weekly. Enjoy this taste, and come back for more once I finish! It would mean a lot if people could repost this or comment if you have any ideas for the story. I don’t know--yell at me or something. Also let me know if you want to be tagged. Thanks, everyone!

⟐ ⟐ ⟐ ⟐ ⟐

|| NEXT>>> ||

Permanent Taglist: @amaranthskies-writes @thetravelingsologuy

Story Taglist: @halfgoddesshalfhell96

#Beloved Radiers #Beloved Raiders series #Nadine Ross #Nadine Ross x reader #Nadine Ross x fem!reader #Nadine Ross series #Rebel Companies #Rebel Companies Prologue #Uncharted #Uncharted series #Uncharted 4 #Uncharted 4: A Thief's End #Book I #Book 1 #RC

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veliseraptor · 4 years ago

Text

a kindness you can’t afford

[READ ON AO3]

Written for the anon prompt above, originally tried to post it as a response to an ask, then Tumblr fucked up all my formatting and I deleted the post, forgetting that I cannot just recreate an anon ask. Anyway! It’s a fic! It’s for an idea that I’ve been meaning to write eventually and ended up doing for this!

I wrote more rambly notes the first time I made this post but it’s probably for the best they’re gone. Thanks to @ameliarating for edits, as always, and to the Tumblr user who kindly indulged my request for “Chinese obscenities that could pass for a name.” The one Xue Yang uses here is literally “chrysanthemum” but also “anus.” This may be anachronistic, but I’m going with it.

content warnings: none, actually?? I don’t think??? other than, you know, the knowledge that this ain’t going anywhere good

What Xue Yang thought when the first sword went in was motherfucker finally did it.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen it coming. He’d known for a while that sooner or later Jin Guangyao would decide he’d outlived his usefulness and try to get rid of him, or else Xue Yang would decide he was done playing Jin Guangyao’s game and cut out his tongue to feed it to him. And then kill him.

Until then he’d just figured he’d enjoy the luxury of Lianfang-zun’s boundless resources, access to the Yiling Laozu’s notes, and willingness to provide Xue Yang with the opportunity to experiment.

But with the old man dead, and Chifeng-zun in pieces, he’d figured that probably sooner rather than later Jin Guangyao would decide he was too much of a security risk and not enough of an asset to keep alive. Jin Guangyao still beat him to the punch. And he didn’t even have the courtesy to do it himself.

Bastard.

The Jin assholes cut him up pretty bad before he managed to get away; least he managed to make sure at least three of them wouldn’t walk away, and a fourth was going to be down a hand. So that was something, even if he was bleeding pretty badly, feeling it in the cold heaviness of his limbs and the spinning of his head. The wound in his leg was the worst, cutting deep into the thigh.

There was a distinct possibility that he was well and truly fucked.

Well, he thought when his body finally gave out and all he could do was slither into the grass on the side of the road so he wasn’t quite so exposed, it’d been a pretty good run, all things considered. Still sucked, and he would’ve really liked to show Jin Guangyao the color of his own intestines right about now, but you couldn’t get everything you wanted.

It wasn’t the death he’d imagined for himself. But it was better than some he could’ve anticipated. Hopefully he’d make a nasty fierce ghost and could go torment Lianfang-fucking-zun for backstabbing him.

Even if that was exactly what he’d expected him to do.

Xue Yang fought losing consciousness for a while, but there was only so long he could hold out before his body surrendered for him.

He didn’t expect to wake up alive.

When he did, still fucking hurting and with someone touching his face, at first he was just too tired and sore to try to move like he should, still feeling wrung out and half-dead and figuring maybe playing helpless would be better than trying something when he didn’t have the strength to back it up. Then his vision cleared a little and he recognized who he was looking at.

You, he thought, eyes widening in alarm, and tried immediately to scramble back regardless of the fact that his body screamed furiously at him, because some random stranger who was either trying to help or trying to loot his body was one thing, but Xiao Xingchen-

Who was assuring him that he wasn’t going to hurt him. That he didn’t mean him any harm, and was just trying to tend his wounds.

There was a white bandage over his eyes.

He didn’t know. He didn’t know.

Well, Xue Yang thought, staring at him. Well, well, well.

We’re fated to meet again, he’d said, years ago, but he hadn’t figured for it being like this.

You aren’t going to ask me my name? he asked warily, and Xiao Xingchen smiled at him, utterly clueless, and said I have my own things I’d rather not talk about.

Fucking shit. Unbelievable. The blind idiot, just taking in someone he’d found on the side of the road who he knew nothing about, not asking any questions, tending his wounds…

Xue Yang had never believed much in good fortune. Not for himself, anyway. But this opportunity just getting dropped in his lap, and when he needed it most-

It certainly seemed to qualify.

Good. Fucking fantastic.

He could work with this.

There was something funny about the girl with Xiao Xingchen - a-Qing, or whatever her name was. At first he’d thought she was just pretending to be blind, which would’ve been a problem, but she seemed to really not be able to see. She certainly wasn’t a threat of any other kind. A nuisance, it was becoming clear, and for whatever reason she didn’t like him, but she wasn’t actually dangerous.

And Xiao Xingchen... Xiao Xingchen would be dangerous, was dangerous, but he was also blind, and nice, and didn’t ask questions. Xue Yang had worked out a whole story, an elaborate lie he’d use, but Xiao Xingchen hadn’t asked. He nursed Xue Yang, helpless and useless, like he was a friend.

Motherfucking idiot.

At least it was serving him well. Xiao Xingchen took good care of him. Perfectly solicitous. Admonishing him when he tried to get up and walk too soon. You’ll make it worse, he said, with that sugar-sweet smile. Be careful with yourself. If you want to heal cleanly you need to rest.

It was all working great, absolutely perfect, he couldn’t’ve asked for better.

It wasn’t going to last.

It couldn’t, obviously. Xiao Xingchen would get sick of this magnanimous act and kick him out, or he’d figure out who Xue Yang was somehow and one of them would have to die. There was always a flip side, a catch, a trap, and that it hadn’t shown itself here yet just meant it hadn’t shown itself yet.

It would, sooner or later, and Xue Yang just had to be ready for it.

It’d be easier to feel ready for it if he could stand for longer than half a joss stick without feeling like he was going to collapse. His leg hurt like hell all the time and while he was clawing his way back to his usual strength, as far as he was concerned it couldn’t happen fast enough. It was fine, though. For now, he was safe. For now.

If he kept telling himself that maybe he’d stop feeling like he was going to crawl out of his skin.

At least it gave him plenty of uninterrupted time to watch Xiao Xingchen. He was nice. He was patient. He didn’t raise his voice or lose his temper, as far as Xue Yang could tell. He was so impossibly, infuriatingly good and it couldn’t possibly be real.

“What is it?” Xiao Xingchen asked, and Xue Yang realized he’d been staring at him for a while, congee forgotten and getting cold.

“Nothing,” Xue Yang said quickly, and then narrowed his eyes and said, “you’ve got something on your face, by your nose. Big smudge of dirt.”

“Oh,” Xiao Xingchen said, and laughed a little. “Thank you for telling me. I can’t exactly check in a mirror.”

That was something Xue Yang found very interesting. It wasn’t Xiao Xingchen he’d blinded, and yet here he was. He hadn’t asked any questions about it, but he did wonder what he’d missed while he’d been working on rediscovering the secrets of demonic cultivation and creating a fierce corpse for Jin Guangyao.

“Yeah,” Xue Yang said, and then on a whim, “here, let me help you get it off.”

A-Qing scowled at him. “Xiao-daozhang can clean his own face, asshole.”

“A-Qing,” Xiao Xingchen said, and then smiled at Xue Yang. “She is right, though. I don’t need the help.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Xue Yang said. “Whatever. Come on, it’s bugging me.” He got up and limped over, dropping down next to him and reaching out, using his sleeve to scrub at an imaginary smudge. Xiao Xingchen reached up and caught his arm, but he didn’t knock him away, and he didn’t seem angry. His grip was firm but not hard; Xue Yang just kept himself from yanking violently away or lashing out.

“Stranger,” Xiao Xingchen said, “Please. I can attend my own appearance.”

Xue Yang pulled back slowly. He glanced at a-Qing, who seemed smug, and then back at Xiao Xingchen, and held up his hands.

“All right,” he said. “Didn’t mean to offend you.”

“I’m not offended,” Xiao Xingchen said. He smiled, the expression warm and fuck, he really was intolerable. “But it should be clear that even though I am blind, I’m not helpless.”

“Guess that’s obvious,” Xue Yang said after a brief pause. “If anyone’s helpless here it’s me. I’m the one you had to scrape up off the side of the road, huh?”

That made Xiao Xingchen laugh. For some reason Xue Yang found that sort of satisfying; for some reason a-Qing glared at him.

“You’re not funny,” a-Qing said.

“Daozhang thinks I’m funny,” Xue Yang said. Xiao Xingchen shook his head, but he was smiling again.

Too easy. Blind - literally - fool. It suddenly seemed sort of amazing that he’d stayed alive this long.

At least it was working in Xue Yang’s favor. He’d be ready for when that changed, but for now-

He could enjoy it, for now.

The smart thing to do would be to kill Xiao Xingchen before he put two and two together and came up with Xue Yang.

He’d do the girl too, obviously, but Xiao Xingchen was the one who could really hurt him. He might be playing nice now but Xue Yang had fought him before. He knew what he could do. He wasn’t going to assume that his being blind had changed that much. The way he moved mostly hadn’t. He didn’t use a stick like a-Qing, anyway.

So, yeah. The smart thing to do.

He still hadn’t done it. Mostly because the smart thing to do was sometimes also the boring thing to do, and Xue Yang would take not boring over stupid most of the time.

“So when are you gonna leave, anyway,” a-Qing asked loudly.

“Dunno,” Xue Yang said. “Every time you ask me that it gets further away.”

A-Qing scowled at him. “Why are you even still here? Do you like living in a coffin home?”

“Maybe I do,” Xue Yang said. “Maybe I’m not even alive. Maybe I’m a really animate fierce corpse. Like the Ghost General.” He thought of Wen Ning, briefly, chained up with nails in his head. Absolutely useless. Completely uncontrollable, which had really been just the most disappointing. “You wouldn’t know, would you?”

For a moment a-Qing looked a little uncertain. Then she scowled harder. “Daozhang would know. Obviously.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” a-Qing said firmly. “Besides, fierce corpses don’t bleed.”

“How do you know,” Xue Yang said. “Met a lot of fierce corpses?”

“Have you?”

“Yeah,” Xue Yang said. “I killed one once.” Its name was Nie Mingjue and its head is probably still in Lianfang-zun’s treasure room. He leaned back on his hands, flexing his leg and wincing at the pain that shot up into his hip. Fuck Lianfang-zun and his entire fucking life.

A-Qing shook her head. “You’re lying.”

Xue Yang shrugged one shoulder. “Believe what you want,” he said. “Doesn’t make any difference to me.”

He heard Xiao Xingchen’s footsteps a moment before he appeared and turned toward him, tensing reflexively and then scowling when that hurt, too. “What are you talking about?”

“Daozhang, do fierce corpses bleed?” a-Qing asked. Xiao Xingchen’s eyebrows rose a little.

“No. Not like living people do, anyway.”

“I knew you were lying,” a-Qing said to Xue Yang. “This asshole says he killed a fierce corpse, but he didn’t know that.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t know. I said you wouldn’t.” Xue Yang grinned at her. “If you’re going to call me names you could at least be more creative, Little Blind.”

Xiao Xingchen shook his head. “Why would you lie about such a thing, Stranger?” he asked.

“Came up when I was telling Little Blind how I’m a fierce corpse myself,” Xue Yang said.

“Don’t call me that,” a-Qing said. Xiao Xingchen seemed startled for a moment, and then smiled a little.

“I see,” he said.

“Well,” Xue Yang said. “You don’t, actually.”

A-Qing looked furious, but Xiao Xingchen let out a bright and full-throated laugh, like that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard. Xue Yang blinked. He hadn’t really thought about saying it, and if he had he’d’ve thought Xiao Xingchen would be touchy about it. But he was smiling, and still chuckling a little, when he said, “no, I suppose not. Perhaps you have us both fooled, though I suspect my sword would know.”

Xue Yang’s ears pricked. “What do you mean?”

Xiao Xingchen set down the basket of groceries he was holding and paused, seeming to be thinking. “My sword, Shuanghua,” he said. “It is able to sense resentful energy, and thus direct me toward beings like ghosts or demons. Or, presumably, fierce corpses. It is how I can still go night hunting.”

“Huh,” Xue Yang said. That was interesting. And he had sort of wondered. He hadn’t heard of anything like that before.

He wondered suddenly how discriminating Xiao Xingchen’s sword was. Did it detect any amount of resentful energy? Or type, or concentration?

Xue Yang tucked that question away for later. It wasn’t important right now.

“How is your leg today, Stranger?”

“Fine,” Xue Yang said. Lied. “Are you just going to keep calling me ‘Stranger’? You could just pick a name and go with it. Or guess. Or use a different name every time you talk to me.”

Xiao Xingchen smiled again, obviously amused. “Or,” a-Qing said, “you could just say what you’re called. Why won’t you, anyway?”

“A-Qing,” Xiao Xingchen said. “Sometimes a man’s history is his own business.”

Wasn’t that a nice idea, Xue Yang thought. He doubted Xiao Xingchen would still say that if he knew who he was harboring.

“Yeah, all right,” Xue Yang said. “I’ll tell you my name.”

A-Qing looked suspicious. “What is it?”

“Ju Hua,” he said. Xiao Xingchen let out a strangled sound, like a laugh disguised by a fake cough. A-Qing recoiled, her face crinkling up in disgust.

“You’re disgusting,” she said.

“Hey,” Xue Yang said. “It’s rude to make fun of peoples’ names,” but he started cackling a second later, hard enough it hurt his cracked ribs. A-Qing got to her feet and flounced off, taking a swing at his head with her stick he was sure was deliberate.

Xue Yang grinned at Xiao Xingchen, who still looked like he was trying not to laugh. “You shouldn’t tease her,” he said.

“She can take it,” Xue Yang said easily. The turn of Xiao Xingchen’s mouth and the set of his eyebrows was reproachful, though both offset by the amusement that was still there.

“You still shouldn’t.”

“Ah, Daozhang,” Xue Yang said, dragging out the second syllable. “Ruining all my fun.”

Xiao Xingchen’s expression faltered for a moment, eyebrows furrowing, and Xue Yang realized that his voice had slipped, a little. He held his breath, tensing, waiting, something almost eager jumping in his stomach.

Here it comes.

Then Xiao Xingchen shook himself and let out a faint laugh, though it sounded a little weak. “I know,” he said. “I’m merciless.”

Xue Yang pictured Xiao Xingchen as he’d seen him first, almost glowing in white, a pinched expression of displeasure on his face. He would’ve seen Xue Yang executed. Not done it himself - couldn’t get those pure robes dirty - but still. He thought merciless wasn’t as far off the mark as Xiao Xingchen probably believed.

“Yeah,” he said. “Absolutely. Those vegetables you bought don’t stand a chance.”

Xiao Xingchen laughed again, and smiled, and Xue Yang blinked at him, something funny twisting in his chest under his heart.

You know I’m going to kill you someday, he thought. Not yet, but I’m gonna do it. And I’ll make sure you’ll know how I tricked you, how stupid you were, when I do.

Xue Yang usually slept pretty well, if lightly. He’d learned the trick of it - a need to wring rest out of the hours he got when it was safe, but the ability to wake up fast when he needed to. Usually he could get through the night without waking up, and if he dreamed, he never remembered them.

At first he wasn’t sure what had woken him up this time, just that between one moment and the next he was awake, wide awake with his senses shrilling an alarm, something wrong. His heartbeat picked up and he started to reach for Jiangzai only to stop himself.

Then he heard it: quiet but still audible through thin walls. A soft, distressed sound from Xiao Xingchen’s room.

He held very still, waiting until he heard another. A whimper, almost. Quiet and pathetic, wounded animal. He rose, slowly, on quiet feet, and walked as silently as he could while still limping, out of his room and into Xiao Xingchen’s.

He was lying there on the bed, under a thin blanket that was now tangled around his body. One of his arms was flung outwards, his head turned to the side, face crumpled in a frown. There were red stains on the white bandages over his missing eyes. His chest rose and fell unevenly and too quickly.

As he stood there, watching, Xiao Xingchen made another sound, one of pain, and Xue Yang almost felt it in his chest, in his gut. He took a step forward, and another, and another, until he was standing right next to the bed and looking down at Xiao Xingchen, lips parted, in the grip of a nightmare, so vulnerable, so beautiful in his suffering.

What was he dreaming about? Losing his eyes?

Maybe he’s dreaming about me, Xue Yang thought, and had to bite down on a laugh.

He could see the big vein in Xiao Xingchen’s throat throbbing with his rapid pulse. It’d be so easy. He could draw his knife and plunge it in in less than a second. He could slide it between his ribs and up into his heart. He could slice him open like a pig and pull his guts out through the gash. It’d be quick. Or it wouldn’t, and he’d make Xiao Xingchen scream before he died.

Xue Yang cocked his head to the side and thought about it. What it’d look like. How it’d feel.

He pressed his tongue to his teeth and thought about licking Xiao Xingchen’s blood off his fingers.

His body snapped taut at a sleepy, “Daozhang?” and he moved immediately, dropping down into a crouch next to the bed and reaching out to give Xiao Xingchen’s shoulder a gentle shake.

“Daozhang,” he said, pitching his voice low but gentle. “Xiao Xingchen, wake up.”

Xiao Xingchen was a cultivator. He woke up quickly too, with a sharp inhale. “What,” he said, and Xue Yang let go of him quickly in case he lashed out.

“What’s going on?” a-Qing asked behind him, voice clearer. “I heard noises.”

“Your Daozhang was having a bad dream,” Xue Yang said. “I was just waking him up.”

Xiao Xingchen’s lips pressed together. “I’m sorry for waking both of you,” he said, and his voice sounded - not shaky, exactly, but shaken, and subdued. “I’m all right. You can go back to sleep now.”

“Thanks for the permission,” Xue Yang said. “But I’m good.”

“A-Qing…”

“I’m good, too,” she said stubbornly, but Xue Yang heard her yawn.

“You’re young,” Xiao Xingchen said. He sounded exhausted. It was so - human. Which of course he was, flesh and blood just like the rest of them, but there was still something sort of weird about hearing it. “You need your rest.”

“But-”

“You heard him, Little Blind,” Xue Yang said. “Go to bed. Your coffin’s going to get cold.”

“But-”

“A-Qing,” Xiao Xingchen said, and after a moment she made a disgruntled, frustrated noise and shuffled out. There was a brief silence, and then Xiao Xingchen said, “you, too.”

“Nah,” Xue Yang said. “Like I said, I’m good.”

Xiao Xingchen reached up to his face and touched the bandage, then stiffened with a sharp breath in and turned his face away. “Oh,” he said. “I-”

Shame, Xue Yang thought, with a little thrill. He was ashamed. Of the blood, or what it meant? How it revealed what he so carefully covered up?

“Looks like you need a fresh bandage,” he said, carefully matter-of-fact. Xiao Xingchen turned his face further away.

“I’ll - take care of it.”

“Want help?”

“No,” Xiao Xingchen said, his voice sharp, and then quickly added, softer, “thank you. And...thank you for waking me.”

Xue Yang shrugged. “It’s nothing.”

Which it was. He hadn’t done anything. Wasn’t doing anything. Wasn’t going to kill him. It’d be too easy, he decided, doing it when he was sleeping. He wouldn’t know. Xue Yang wanted him to know.

Xiao Xingchen took a long, deep breath. “I’m all right. Really.”

“Yeah,” Xue Yang said. “I know. Want to go for a walk?”

If Xiao Xingchen had eyes, Xue Yang thought he’d be staring at him. “What?”

“A walk,” Xue Yang said. “You know. That thing you do outside sometimes.”

Xiao Xingchen didn’t laugh. “It’s the middle of the night.”

“Not like it makes a difference to you, does it?” Xue Yang said. “I do it sometimes. Helps clear my head.” He stood up and stretched. “Up to you. But I think I’ll go regardless. And who knows what’ll happen if I’m out there on my own.”

“Your injuries-”

“Doesn’t have to be a long walk.”

Xiao Xingchen was quiet for a while. Then he said, “all right. I need to get dressed.”

“Great,” Xue Yang said with a grin. “See you outside.”

He put on his robe and went out, stretching his arms overhead and looking up at the sky, the stars. The moon.

Now why, he thought, had he done that? Xiao Xingchen’s nightmares were none of his concern.

It was sort of funny, though, wasn’t it? Comforting him. Helping him. It’d twist the knife harder when he eventually found out. Make it cut deeper. Maybe he’d cry, blood tears running down his cheeks, and Xue Yang would trace them with his finger, lick it clean. Xiao Xingchen, he’d say. Looks like you need a fresh bandage.

“You know your roof is leaking,” Xue Yang said. Xiao Xingchen sighed.

“I’m aware,” he said.

“Just making sure,” Xue Yang said.

“I keep meaning to fix it,” Xiao Xingchen said.

“Daozhang,” Xue Yang said with exaggerated patience, “meaning to fix it doesn’t mean fuck if you don’t just do it. That’s like saying-”

He cut off before he said that’s like saying you’re going to kill someone and not following through.

“Like saying what?”

“Like saying you’re going to go night hunting and then sitting at home on your ass,” Xue Yang said.

“Are you calling Daozhang lazy?” a-Qing said. “You’re the lazy one here. Useless.” Xue Yang’s face dropped into a scowl.

“You’ve really got a talent for interrupting conversations that don’t involve you,” he said. Xiao Xingchen frowned in his direction.

“Our guest is just pointing out that I should have done something about the roof leak before now,” Xiao Xingchen said. “And he is right.”

“Course I am,” Xue Yang said. “I’m right about a lot of things.”

A-Qing snorted. “Yeah,” she said. “Name one.”

You’re an ugly little brat who ought to get slapped. “Xiao-daozhang is the most beautiful cultivator in the world,” he said. Xiao Xingchen’s face went red. A-Qing scowled.

“I wouldn’t know,” she said. “So I’d just have to take your word for it.”

“It’s not true,” Xiao Xingchen protested. “Our guest is just teasing.”

Xue Yang shrugged. “One against one, Daozhang. Too bad we don’t have a tie breaker.”

Xiao Xingchen’s face was still flushed bright. Like he’d been slapped, all the blood right under the skin, and Xue Yang wondered if his skin would feel hot if he touched it. If he’d bleed faster if he cut into his cheek.

He’d started to think maybe he shouldn’t kill Xiao Xingchen after all. It might actually be better to leave him alive. Dead people couldn’t suffer like living ones.

He leaned back on his hands. His leg was feeling better these days. His other wounds were well on the way to healing. He could probably leave, if he wanted to. Slip out in the middle of the night.

Maybe he’d cut a-Qing’s throat to leave a message. That’d probably hurt Xiao Xingchen worse than anything Xue Yang could do to him.

It was an idea. He tucked it away for consideration.

“Anyway,” he said. “You should definitely do it before winter or Little Blind will freeze to death.”

“Why don’t you do it,” a-Qing said loudly.

“What’ll you pay me for it? I don’t do that kind of work for free.”

A-Qing scowled harder. “You’re eating our food and sleeping in our house,” she said. “Ugh. You’re the worst.”

“A-Qing,” Xiao Xingchen said, “our guest is still injured. You wouldn’t want him to aggravate his injuries further.”

“Says who,” a-Qing muttered under her breath. Xiao Xingchen seemed to pretend not to hear.

“I’ll get some supplies tomorrow,” he said. “It is starting to get colder. But don’t worry about helping, Stranger. I can manage.” He gave Xue Yang a horribly gentle smile. Why are you like this, Xue Yang thought angrily.

Yeah. He wouldn’t kill Xiao Xingchen at all. Just cut up his face so he couldn’t smile like that anymore. He wouldn’t even know how awful he looked until people started recoiling from him in horror, exclaiming with disgust.

Yeah. That was an idea. Kill a-Qing and ruin that pretty face.

He’d get around to it before winter, once he was fully healed, and find someplace nice and warm to set up in for the cold months. No reason to stay in this miserable dead city when there was a whole world to explore.

Xiao Xingchen did not have any idea how to patch a roof.

Xue Yang ended up mostly doing it for him.

There was an itch under Xue Yang’s skin, in his bones. He didn’t know why, exactly. He just got like this sometimes, tense and restless and jumpy and he didn’t like it. Usually he dealt with it in one of two ways: killing someone or fucking someone. Or both.

He hadn’t killed anyone yet today, but he was thinking about it. It’d probably be a-Qing. She was getting on his last nerve, and he kept thinking if he killed her quick and quiet and dumped her body in the river Xiao Xingchen would never need to know.

Though why it’d matter if Xiao Xingchen knew was another matter.

He didn’t think he’d really kill a-Qing either, though. Maybe one of the merchants in the market. The one who’d tried to sell them half-rotted turnips. He’d deserve it. Yeah. Him. He’d make a good target.

Itch, itch, itch. Fuck. He was going to crawl out of his skin if he didn’t-

“Stranger?”

Xue Yang whirled around, knife in hand, and just checked the movement before he put it through Xiao Xingchen’s neck. Or, he would’ve checked it, but Xiao Xingchen caught his arm first.

Xue Yang froze. His body coiled tight, ready for the retaliation. Briefly, he wanted to laugh. The first time he really got close to stabbing Xiao Xingchen since waking up here and it hadn’t even been on purpose.

Xiao Xingchen felt down Xue Yang’s arm to his hand, his fingers wrapped around the knife. Least it wasn’t his left. He paused for a moment, then let go and stepped back.

“I startled you,” he said.

Xue Yang blinked. “I was thinking about something else,” he said cautiously.

“Apparently so,” Xiao Xingchen said. He smiled, barely, and bowed. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re - for what?”

“Startling you,” Xiao Xingchen said. Xue Yang stared at him.

“I almost stabbed you,” he blurted out, and then grimaced.

“Yes,” Xiao Xingchen said. “But you didn’t. I suppose this might be a different conversation if you had.” His voice was still even, calm. Xue Yang stared at him harder, hating the confusion that was starting to overtake the itch for violence.

“Probably wouldn’t be a conversation,” he said, before he meant to. Xiao Xingchen smiled a little.

“I suppose not,” Xiao Xingchen said. “A good thing I have quick reflexes.” He paused, the smile fading. “Stranger...I know that you have...a history. That there are shadows in it you don’t want to discuss. For all your good humor, you are tense, and watchful, and wary. A man - a cultivator - does not end up on the side of a road in your condition without having made dangerous enemies.”

Xue Yang opened his mouth, then closed it, getting tenser by the second. He still had his knife in hand, but Xiao Xingchen had shown he could catch him, and while Shuanghua wouldn’t be able to sense him the way it did ghosts and the like-

“Whatever you might have done,” Xiao Xingchen said, his voice quiet and serious, “it doesn’t matter now.”

Xue Yang’s voice was locked in his throat. Speechless. He wasn’t speechless very often. There was a laugh in there, too, thinking wildly really, is that really true, Xiao Xingchen, would you still say that if I told you my name-

“Pretty generous of you, Daozhang,” he said. “I might’ve done anything.”

“Perhaps,” Xiao Xingchen said. “But you have not done anything to me, or to a-Qing, or to the people here.”

Not yet, anyway, was his first thought, and then oh. Oh, that was rich, that was hilarious, that was-

He felt sort of weird, suddenly. Not sick, and nothing was hurting, just - weird. Off-balance. The itch was completely gone now, leaving something else in its wake that he couldn’t quite pin down.

“Xiao-daozhang,” he started to say, and then stopped. Xiao Xingchen gave him a small smile.

“Most people, I think, have shadows in their pasts,” Xiao Xingchen said. “I am not a magistrate. I would rather not act as one.”

Xue Yang thought of Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan’s eagerness to deliver him to justice, and wanted to laugh. But only for a moment.

He sucked on his teeth. Cocked his head to the side.

“Call me Chengmei,” he said. And waited. Waited to see any sign of recognition, of memory, of understanding.

Xiao Xingchen smiled, slightly. “Chengmei,” he said. “Thank you.”

Xue Yang huffed a laugh. “For what?”

“For telling me your name.”

Huh. Xue Yang wanted to laugh, would’ve laughed, did laugh, a little. “That’s not telling you much, Xiao-daozhang. It’s just a name. It might not even be my real one.”

“I know,” Xiao Xingchen said. He didn’t reach out, just smiled that warm smile that Xue Yang hated, that set off that strange and twisting feeling like a worm winding through his insides. Nobody had made that face at him before. Not like that. “But at least now I don’t have to call you ‘Stranger.’”

“You still could, if you wanted,” Xue Yang said, which made Xiao Xingchen laugh. Everything made him laugh. He had a stupid sense of humor, Xue Yang was starting to realize.

Such an idiot.

Xiao Xingchen gave him one last smile and went back inside. Xue Yang looked after him, eyes narrowed.

He should’ve gone by now, probably. He was getting comfortable, and comfortable was dangerous.

But he had a good thing going, here. And he could end it whenever he wanted. The second he got sick of this game, he could finish it, and Xiao Xingchen, too.

There was no reason to hurry, though. No rush.

And he had some ideas for how to keep things fun.

He had time.

#anonymous #xue yang #xiao xingchen #xuexiao #(you know it's going there)#the untamed #the sad queer cultivators show #a wild fic appeared

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thenakedgingerwrites · 4 years ago

Text

Trapped

Needless to say, I didn't expect what happened today. No one ever does I guess. I was working in my garage while the wife and kids were out running some errands. I cleaned out a bunch of things from the attic above the cars and piled the boxes near the front of the open garage. Having gone up and down my ladder with boxes (while not super heavy) all morning left me pretty fatigued and sweaty. It was still the middle of the afternoon and I was hoping to finish up, shower, and maybe jack off before the family got home. Three kids later, the wife wasn't as generous with sex anymore so I re-learned how to take care of myself. Not that I don't miss the passionate sex we used to have, I just gave up on getting a blowjob ever again, sad as it is. I went back up to get the last box but in my fatigue missed a step. I tried to grab a side plank but failed and instead went through the drywall floor. Well, not entirely. I had been wedged in-between two planks since I was pretty triangular of a build. I had a home gym and kept in shape as best I could. A bit of a belly but still strong as ever. So now here I was, stuck halfway through the roof of the garage. I tried to pull myself up but either couldn't get leverage, was too tired, or was stuck on something. Maybe all three. Either way, I wasn't going anywhere. Luckily the way I was stuck wasn't painful but I couldn't move. For whatever reason I yelled "HELLO!?" thinking someone would come to find me but instantly felt stupid for it. The family was gone and while the garage door was open, the boxes blocked most of the view to the street so it wouldn't have been obvious to anyone I'd be lucky enough to have pass by.

If I knew someone was walking by I'm sure I could yell to get their attention (if they didn't have headphones in) but I didn't want to yell for an hour hoping someone would find me. The family should be back within an hour or so. They'll laugh at finding daddy coming through the roof but my wife will get the ladder so I can climb out of here and then chastise me for not paying attention. Sigh. Fifteen minutes or so went by as I hung there. I tried to make a game out of it by counting the rafter beams, or swinging my legs for a light ab workout, but was getting bored. I tried to get out again but determined I must be stuck on something. I wiggled my hips to try and figure out what it was. Something was preventing me from pulling myself up and thought it must be something on the bottom of my shirt or my sweatpants. I thought that if I went down a little lower, whatever was stuck would unstick and then I could pull myself free. It took another couple minutes of trying to squeeze myself further into the hole but finally eureka! I felt something give. It was the undeniable rip of my sweatpants but fuck it, I can always get my wife to stitch them back up. Two things became very apparent to me very quickly though. One, my squeezing further into the hole sealed my fate of actually being stuck. Without the leverage of something beneath me I was staying put. Second, the rip to my pants must have been the waist, and the phone in my pocket weighed them down. And down. And down... "You've got to be fucking kidding me." So now, not only was I stuck in my garage ceiling and my pants ripped, I was naked from the waist down. "Great day to not wear underwear, asshole." Well my wife and kids finding me would be a little less fun this way, for everyone. Luckily my ass was hanging towards the driveway so they wouldn't see my exposed cock and nuts but seeing Dad's hairy ass probably wasn't on their to-do list. I decided to give myself one last attempt at freedom and used all my muscles in my arms I could muster. My legs ran in place attempting to help me but alas, nothing. "FUCK!" I cursed. Last fucking time I clean the attic. I catch my breath as I hear the unmistakable pitter patter of footsteps. "Hello?" a cautious voice calls out. Shit! Of course someone is passing by NOW. "I'm fine, go away!" I yell instinctively. I'm not sure why being rescued is less desirable than a stranger seeing me naked like this. I mean, I'm fit, my cocks a good size (6 hard and pretty thick), maybe a little hairier than most but overall a good looking guy. It's just the shame of the situation. "Ha, you don't look fine." The guy gives a light chuckle. I can tell he's behind me getting an eye full of my round ass. Sigh. "Yeah, I'm not. I fell through while moving some boxes and... fate is out to get me today I guess." "Well one man's trash is another's treasure." What the hell? Did he say this situation was treasure? "Um, yeah. Can you grab my ladder? If that's under me I think I can push up and out of this wedge." Silence. "Hey, guy?" I think I hear footsteps but it's hard to tell. He's probably wearing running shoes so I can't really hear him. Did he leave? *click* The unmistakable sound of a phone camera. "What the fuck man?! Did you just take a picture of me?!" "Yes, only your butt. To remember this laughable situation." "Well I'd fucking appreciate it if you didn't and get me the fuck out of here." I couldn't help my anger starting to boil. It's one thing to be found by a stranger but thinking photos of me could leak on the internet was a different story. "Oh my..." he says. *click* "Dude what the fuck?!" "Sorry, after seeing your dick I couldn't help myself." "You fucking fag!" "And those balls." I felt his finger tips graze my scrotum which set me into a fury. I kicked my legs out at him but there were still bound by my sweatpants. I only kicked air. "Ah, ah ah" the stranger said. "You wouldn't want me sending these photos to everyone in the neighborhood would you?" No, I wouldn't. I calmed my legs down and let them hang limply again. "No I know a way we can both help each other out." "And what's that?" I ask through gritted teeth. "You married?" "And three kids. Straight as an arrow." "Funny thing about arrows, they bend in flight. Anyway, when's the last time you got a good blowjob?" "What?!" "When's the last time your wife gave you a really great blowjob?" "That's none of your Goddamn business." "Ah, I see. When's the last time you had ANY blowjob?" I remained silent. I couldn't think of a good lie but the truth is it had been years. He continued to speak. "You see, I'm kind of addicted to cock. I've become a bit of an expert in my addiction, but it's been a couple weeks since I've blown anyone new." He was behind me now as he placed an open palm on my ass. "So, that's how we can help each other." "You want to give me a blowjob." "Correct." "You want to GIVE me a blowjob, and then help me out?" "Seems like a good deal to you, yes?" I mean, fuck yeah it did. I'm not gay, really I'm not. Unlike a lot of guys in high school I never messed around with any of my guy friends but still, it had been years. And I couldn't see him at all so in my mind I could just pretend it was Scarlet Johansen or Emma Stone or whoever the fuck I wanted it to be. "Is that a deal?" "I mean, what do you need me to do?" "Ideally, just not strangle me with your thighs and I'll do the rest." I did contemplate it, but then I'd be where I started and he may turn violent too. I'm the one in the compromising position. "Okay, deal." "Oh goody!" I felt both of his hands on my ass this time while he planted a big kiss on one cheek. Gross. The stranger pulled something over towards us. It sounded like maybe a one of our plastic storage bins but I'm not sure. I estimated that my cock was probably only 6 feet off the ground but figured he'd need to get a little higher. The first touch was tentative. His hands on my soft cock made me second guess my decision. This was a guy afterall. I couldn't will myself to forget that. This was wrong. And then he took me into his mouth. My abs convulsed by instinct. It was a feeling I'd missed for so long. He sucked and swirled his tongue around my hardening cock and I'm embarrassed to say how quickly I got hard. "Oh wow, you're a thick guy." "Ha, thanks." Wait, why the fuck am I thanking this pervert? Well, he is giving me head... *click* "Hey! No pictures!" "That wasn't part of the deal. And what do you care, your face isn't in them. They're just for me. Promise." "No, seriously. Delete those pic..." He took me back into his mouth and it shut me up. God he was good. This guy definitely had practice with a cock and probably with someone as thick as me because he managed to take almost all of me into him. And like a pro fag, he even popped my balls into his mouth to give my cock a break. While he pumped my wet shaft with his hands he sucked and licked on each nut separately. Taking my cock back into his mouth, his hands grabbed my firm ass from behind. I actually started to rock into him. It felt so fucking good. His fingers snaked their way back towards my ass hole but I stopped him and rocked away, cock popping out of his mouth. "No way. Don't touch my asshole. I'm not gay." "You don't trust me by now? I can make a little prostate stimulation feel really good." "I said no. Blowjob only." "Sigh, have it your way Mr. Boring Married Man." I resented that. Was I really boring because I didn't want to be finger fucked by a guy? A stranger even? He got back to work on my cock and really focused on the head. He was edging me and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. "I think I'm gonna cum soon man." He just continued to work. Nervous he didn't hear me, I said it again. Not sure why I cared to be polite about accidently cumming in his mouth. "Dude, you're about to make me cum. Get off unless you want my load down your throat." He popped off so I figured he finally heard me but unexpectedly he said "feed me, daddy" and engulfed me again. Fuck, this guy was gonna swallow too. I felt the pressure building and tried to hold it back. Once I got to the peak I felt his finger once again find my asshole but not timidly. This guy shoved his finger fully into me all at once and I kid you not, it was the best feeling of my life. His finger deep into my ass, cock in his mouth, balls in his other hand, I exploded. Rope after rope I shot into this guy's mouth. It'd had been a while since I jacked off too so the amount must have been immense. The waves of euphoria were unlike anything I'd ever felt sexually or otherwise. I actually moaned out loud like a pornstar. I always thought they were faking it until now. A long slurping sound later, he unsuctioned himself from my defeated dick. "I take it you liked it then?" "Fuck..." was all I could get out between breaths. "I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to finish too." "Umm, I'm not sure what that means." "Don't worry, nothing gay for you Mr. Straight Married Man. I'm just gonna jack off real quick looking at that cock of yours." "Ugh, fine." I was still spent and had no energy to argue. I just had the best blowjob of my life and was soon going to be free from my embarrassing prison. I heard the ladder, I think, being dragged over towards me. Did he finish already? I tentatively reached a foot out for it but found only air. "Um, guy?" "I'm not done yet, sheesh. Hold your horses." I soon heard the sound of a guy jacking off. He got handsy with me but I decided to just bite my tongue, wanting him to finish as fast as possible. It didn't take him that long until he warned me, "Okay, here it comes." I wasn't expecting him to cum onto me, and I definitely didn't expect him to come on my ass! "Dude!? What the fuck!?" "Ahhhh, that felt amazing." I'm pretty sure he slapped my ass a couple times with his still-hard cock. "Fucking gross man!" "Sorry, couldn't resist. That ass is to die for. Sure you don't want me to fuck you too?" "I'm FUCKING positive!" I yell. "Whoa, whoa, okay, okay. Thought I'd ask." "Well the answer is fucking no. Now bring that damn ladder over here so I can wipe this shit off me." "Okay, okay. One last photo though." *click* "Stop!" "I couldn't help it, I needed to get a picture of me marking you." Like a fucking dog? Marking me? Little did he know, when I got out of here I was gonna get him and break that fucking phone. I imagined he'd run when he gave me the ladder but I was fast. "Whatever man, just bring me the ladder." "I actually don't think that's a good idea." "What the hell!? We had a deal!!" I was furious. I started to flail my legs, my semi-soft cock slapping against my thighs. "I know, I know. But I don't think you're going to be too kind to me when you get free. And I'd much prefer your wife to find you like this. Another guy's cum on your ass." "YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER!!" "Well, Daddy fucker maybe." "GET ME DOWN!!" *SLAP* He slapped me hard against my right cheek. "Until next time stud." "GET BACK HERE!!" I writhed and wiggled for a few minutes, fuming with anger. After a bit longer though, I determined he had gone. I again was trapped with no hope of rescue. And honestly, no desire for rescue now either. As I hang there, remnants of my spent cock dripping to the floor and the mysterious stranger's cum drying on the globes of my ass, I hear our minivan pull up into our driveway. How was I going to explain this...

#enm #humliation #trapped

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vohalika · 4 years ago

Text

The Clitical Discordening

So by basically shitposting vaguely into the wind, I got involved with… something. Oh boy.

What the hell is going on?

Two days ago, a blog called “defenderofcrqueers” run by an 18 year old acequeer French girl called Sofia, calling herself tired of predatory lesbians, started a series of call out posts on a BeauYasha Discord Server which, from what I have been able to gather, is actually called Clitical Hole

The blog and the posts have been deleted

The first post was reblogged 40 times by the person who made it. 40 times. I counted.

In the posts, Sofia made serious accusations of transpbobia, biphobia, and aphobia, which some of the screenshots provided corroborated

There was also a section labelled xenophobia, which contained someone saying “fuck the French”

Put a pin in that

In between that were also “general violent behavior” or “objectifying the cast/each other” and liberate usage of trigger warnings, most memorable being “tw: lesbians”

Those posts very clearly already read as people shooting the shit with each other, making fun of being called predatory lesbians, talking about their personal relationships in sometimes maybe bad phrasing or poor taste, but that’s, you know, a matter of taste

The ratio between benign stuff and serious accusations was roughly 50:50, balanced enough for it to not be clearly discernable whether it was serious or not

Again, the blog itself reblogged this 40. Times. It got maybe 100 notes total.

I found this because a friend linked it in our 4 people discord after she got it from the mod of another discord

This led me to make two posts; one just vaguely making fun of how badly you can fuck up a call out post, and another explaining to an anon what had happened.

I stand by all of the points made in there, under the assumption that this was someone trying to do what has recently been done to a Fjorester discord server and failing miserably, while the members of the server largely treated it as a joke

Parts 2 and 3 were published, too, not reblogged 40 times. They contained more of the same, with some of the usual ace discourse you see all over tumblr in it

You know, claims that aces want to be oppressed to badly, acehets aren’t lgbtq, just the usual stuff you see everywhere which made it look pretty genuine.

Members of the server in question largely considered this a joke and trolled the author of the posts on the blog.

There were hints of a 4th post coming, including racism and antisemitism. You know, things a tad bit more serious than a bunch of lesbians being horny towards each other.

After sleeping on it for another day, I made a third post. Again, everything is now deleted, but keep in mind there were serious accusations and some pretty disgusting things in the screenshots.

This post was updated after the “saviorofcrqueers” blog and everything on it was deleted

Now I’ll have you know that my 3 posts on the subject had maybe 30 notes between them, largely by the same people. That’s fewer times than the blog self-reblogged the first post!

And yet somehow my posts were screenshotted and posted by the server in question, leading to of its members to contact me to clear the air

I will stress that these members have been nothing but polite to me

After talking things over with them and asking a few choice questions I’ll get into later, a new blog, “notallwhatitseems”, which is still up at the time of writing this, reblogged my most current post, owning up to all of this having been a prank to get back at the server for insulting her home country of France

So everything about that server is fake?

Well. Mostly?

For the record, I am not a member, have never been a member, and have no interest in ever being a member. It is not my ship and the general tone is not my vibe. In fact, they are very much against my ship, out of everything the fake call out included the 52 pages of BeauJester hate are probably the least manipulated and the most real, and you know what? That’s their prerogative. As I said in my first post, back in my days, people would raid tags with hate and then get raided back. Making your own community to hate on rival ships to your community is progress here. Godspeed.

(Ship hate, of course, rarely exists in a vacuum and can feature other shit, blah. I’m talking about it in isolation here. This is seriously not the most pressing issue by a long shot.)

The general tone of what I’ve seen from the server, even when it was kinda funny sometimes, is also just, plain and simple, not my cup of tea. Very frequently in what I consider to be poor taste. And that is fine, too. I’m not here to police how anyone talks to their friends in a private space outside of, you know, actual bigotry. To quote one of the people who got in contact with me:

So the two members who got into contact with me after seeing my post on the server. Source S is more of an outsider looking in, source Y is, from what I can tell, very much involved with this and was featured in some of the screenshots.

They both, independently of each other, confirmed to me that the transphobia and biphobia weren’t real, either manipulated or taken out of context, and that there’s actually a lot of trans people on the server. They also both reported that no one knew what the alleged racism and antisemitism would have been; probably members of color or Jewish members making fun of themselves.

So. Is that legit? I’m inclined to say sure. Three people confirmed this. Until anyone else comes forward, this is as far as it goes.

Except for the aphobia.

Source S told me unprovoked that there is indeed very standard aphobia going on in that server. I asked source Y about it, here’s what she said:

However, I would be amiss not to mention that the only person in this situation who identifies as asexual has said the following:

And, like. It is probably not my place to speak over what an actual ace person thinks about this, is it?

Wait, is that?

It sure is! I figured if I was already talking to primary sources here, I could as well talk to the primary primary source. Which I will now post unabridged.

At time of writing, there has been no response to that. And that conveniently also answers the probably most pressing question:

Why are you even posting this?

Or, in the words of an anon I received this morning in Germany and also France:

Anon, I’m not gonna delete shit.

Why? Because I think this is kinda important.

As you can see in the conversation up there, it really, really rubs me the wrong way when you abuse call out posts as a prank. Like, yeah, I am aware the whole concept has been meme’d to death on tumblr anyway and really bad call out posts have a long tradition. However, you kinda gotta put this into context, don’t you?

We’ve had a discord server called out for saying vile shit in this fandom before. First of all, the willingness to even hint at (and then reblog yourself for 40 times) another discord server being similar kinds of bad, toxic, and possibly harmful is pretty callous. Like, yeah, the post got no reach and I have even less, but throwing a community you apparently care about under the bus like that is, you know, not a very nice and actually kinda callous thing to do.

And second, fake accusations of bigotry hurt everyone affected by that bigotry. Yes, even in tumblr call out post format. The comical overuse of trigger warnings, a concept that is wildly mocked and misunderstood in the first place, is already in very poor taste. Manipulating content to believably depict pretty violent transphobia? Crosses a few lines.

Like, if you’re gonna do it for a joke, stick to posting the things that made members of the server celebrate themselves in the comments as “the funniest bitches on the internet”. And maybe don’t reblog it yourself 40 times, that shows a certain kind of conviction, doesn’t it?

I’m not gonna comment any further on the motivation behind this; as I said, my brain does not compute patriotism and I find it equally likely that “Sofia” is fucking with me, as she was with everyone else. I entertained the thought of this post being fake kinda from the beginning because the identities so perfectly fit several things being called out; xenophobia against the French at the forefront, of course.

Like, the only thing that made me believe in this being a genuine but misguided attempt at a legitimate call-out was the apparently manipulated content out of context and the fact that the OP apparently believed in their own post enough to reblog it 40 times.

So what my issue is here comes down to a crying wolf kind of thing: A fear that this goes down as a great prank, and the next time someone comes forward about fucked up things going on in a fandom space, everyone has gotta wonder if the tw: lesbians insulted France again. Something that by my estimation happens about five times an hour on the internet anyway.

Everyone, call out responsibly.

(Yes I know I am basically contributing to how this incident will be remembered here. But at least it’s, you know, full of a whole lot of context.)

(Also, Sofia has used two throwaways, so at least that’s something she’s smart about. It’s why I don’t feel too bad about not censoring her name here. I expect the “notwhatitlookslike” blog to be gone by morning. Well, maybe afternoon, it is a little late in both Germany and France.)

#critical role #tw: aphobia #long post #oh god this is how I'm going to deactivate isn't it #40 times is not hyperbole btw #I counted #the things we do to avoid work #I actually kinda hope the swear words will keep this from getting big #but as we all know now #reach is when people screenshot you into their discord servers #hi guys!#tumblr chat is a fuckig BITCH to screenshot let me tell you

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chaotic-tired-cat · 3 years ago

Note

I highly enjoy all of your stories! Can’t wait for an update! You are an amazing writer! <3 <3 <3

Aaaaaa thank you so much!!! This ask made me so happy💙💙💙💙

Not sure when im gonna be able to update, so here’s a deleted snippet from the Grasshopper dorms to help till then:

Ochako clatters her way down the stairwell shortly after four in the mourning with no care or regard for who may hear her. If Hagakure is right and there are ghosts in these buildings, then that's their problem. Any and all spirits are trapped in here with Ochako, not the other way around. Also, she wants to make haunted friends.

So she’s going to make tea.

Every night.

For her ghost friends who she hasn’t met yet but will, just wait and see, Tsu.

The common room is not as empty as she had hoped. It’s disappointing. What kind of self-respecting ghost is going to appear in front of two people and a cat? Theres no drama in that, no intrigue. Cats don't respect anyone regardless of mortal status.

Regardless, Hitoshi is melting into the couch and barely reacts to her arrival. He apparently didn’t sleep at all last night, and solved that by downing a truly obscene amount of caffeine to make it through the day. Ochako had counted the energy drink cans and sorted them into groups of five while Izuku bore witness with the air of someone who has seen and done much, much worse. He probably has.

It’s now Saturday morning, so. Small mercies. Ochako approaches cautiously, and takes the lack of glaring as permission to pet the cat.

Hitoshi acknowledges this with a dull stare.

“Hey, you know that a cat’s cheeks are called the peanut pouch?” Ochako boops Beans on the nose and makes a delighted noise when the cat’s cheeks poof up even more. “It’s the little circles of floof on either side of his nose.”

Hitoshi’s eyes widen to twice their size. “What,” he squeaks with rare emotion that can only be summoned through thirty-six hours of continuous consciousness.

“A peanut pouch.”

“Oh my God,” Hitoshi whispers, barely holding back tears. Beans gets up and resettles down on Hitoshi’s lap. He pets the cat with utmost gentleness. “I know now.”

Ochako sits next to him on the couch to watch this new exciting breakdown with all the delight it deserves. “Are you crying?”

“It’s the serotonin,” Hitoshi croaks through tears and barely-suppressed laughter. “Hey. Hey, Beans, did- did you know? You have peanuts pouches.”

“A peanut pouch.”

“You have a pouch-“ Hitoshi manages before laughter bubbles up and he has to stop and breathe before carrying on. “You have a pouch for peanuts.”

“Just one,” Ochako corrects. She had no idea telling Hitoshi the scientifically inaccurate name for a cat’s cheeks would result in nearly breaking him, but it’s certainly worth it. At least this appears to be a good mental breakdown. Some moments need to be recorded for prosperity, so Ochako dutifully bears the title of archivist. She opens her phone’s camera.

“It’s because his whisker-cheeks look like a peanut,” Ochako says, hoping to prompt a further breakdown. She is not disappointed when Hitoshi wheezes a laugh and hugs Beans shakily. Beans wheezes mid-purr, prompting further hysterics.

“You have a pouch,” Hitoshi garbles to the cat who has already begun to fall asleep again, “for a singular peanut. I’m so proud.”

Ochako, delighted at the sleep-deprived theatrics, scoots closer with her phone. “Peanut pouches.”

“Peanut pouches,” Hitoshi sobs in confirmation, just as the tell-tale click-click of Izuku’s crutches announces their TA’s arrival.

“Peanut pouches?” Izuku asks distantly. He rounds the corner and stops, bewildered at why Ochako is filming Hitoshi crying on the couch at four in the morning. Beans has begun to snore.

“Pouches,” Hitoshi whispers brokenly through the tears like his life depends on it. “For peanuts and whiskers.”

“Pouches,” Izuku repeats slowly, before glancing down at his ace hoodie pocket. “Y’all put peanut shells in your pockets? That’s nasty.”

“It’s for whiskers and wholesome Beans,” Hitoshi tells him. Ochako gleefully zooms in on Izuku’s confused face because she fully intends to treasure her highschool memories. Once they’re all well-rested and she has permission to post it, this is absolutely going in the class group chat.

Izuku squints like he’s trying to be angry but is too confused to pull it off. “Beans has a pouch? Listen, I know my cat weighs more than a brick shithouse, but implying he’s got some sort of kangaroo genetics is fucked up.”

Hitoshi cackles brokenly, which wakes Beans back up. The cat blinks at all the attention Hitoshi immediately bestows upon him, and yawns before tucking his nose into a fold of Hitoshi’s hoodie. This only serves to make his cheeks and whiskers poof up. Hitoshi blinks through his tears with immense effort.

Izuku half-squints, half-glares at Ochako. “I don’t know how you did this, but I know it was you,” he tells her. “Stop antagonizing him.”

“I didn’t do anything. Well, almost anything.”

“...Uh huh.” Izuku carefully steps over to inspect Hitoshi’s breakdown before deciding nah, better let it take its course.

He wanders off to the kitchen and pulls down an entire bag of massive marshmallows instead. Ochako perches on a stool by the counter to watch the proceedings. Hopefully Hitoshi will actually be able to fall asleep while they’re distracted.

Izuku takes out an entire baking pan, greases it with butter, and sets up graham crackers on the inside. He breaks three chocolate bars inside, tops it with the marshmallows, and throws the whole health hazard into the oven.

He then hunkers down in front of the oven and stares at it.

Ochako waits until it’s clear he’s intent on staying there until the smoke alarm goes off again. “What’s that?”

“Science.”

“Isn’t that gonna burn the pan?”

Izuku grins with all his teeth at his soon-to-be-charcoal snack. “Absolutely.”

Wild.

Ochako wants in.

She grabs a pack of oreos, checks the clock - 4:35 am, nice. Aizawa’s going to be so disappointed in all of them - and hunches beside Izuku as a second kitchen gargoyle.

#anon #tired cat asks #grasshopper #fic snippet #here u go anon i hope u like it

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jinfilms · 5 years ago

Photo

mobile header tutorial

hello! I’m here to share how to create a header similar to these that i’ve done in the past. here are the tools i’m using:

photoshop cc 2018 (from @birdysources)

some picture of hoseok probably from either twitter or weverse i don’t remember lol

i included pictures and tried to make it VERY beginner friendly, but please, send me an ask or dm if i’m unclear at any point. it’s 2:38 am as i’m making this tutorial and i just downed my cold brew so i’m sorry if it’s messy

1: open your picture in photoshop (here’s the picture of hobi if u wanna follow along)

2: find the quick selection tool

you’ll find it in the left sidebar, fourth from the top. i’ll often use this and the tool above it (polygonal lasso tool) depending on the photo. the quick selection tool is faster but more tedious, in my opinion, but hoseok was easy enough to cut out just using the quick select. use both! whatever u are comfortable with.

here are my settings for the tool:

i almost always keep it at 3px. unless the image is huge, then i’ll go up to 5px, but never really above that.

3: trace over your subject(s) (aka hobi) by dragging the tool along the edges, until you’re happy with the accuracy:

4: find Select and Mask (directly above the image):

and here are the settings i’m using:

then press ‘Ok’ !

5: Select Inverse (right click inside subject)

now we’re going to press ‘backspace’ on your keyboard, and the background will be gone~

make sure your file isn’t locked! it should be labeled ‘Layer 0′ and not ‘Background’ (if it’s locked, just double click it and press ‘Ok’ on the window that pops up)

after pressing backspace to delete the background, it should look like this:

then deselect it all. now is the time to look closer at your newly made render and see if there’s any cleaning up to do. i’m good to go, so i’m gonna continue on with making my header.

tip: drag the subject (hobi) with the move tool (very top tool on your left sidebar) to the center so he’s in the very middle. it should click to the center (you’ll see the pink line)

it’s not necessary for the tutorial but if you plan on saving this render as a .png and dispersing the renders you make-- it’s just cleaner looking to have them centered!

6: File > New

i always use 800 x 430 for mobile headers. for gifs, i size it down to 650 x 349.

7: resize and drag hobi into the new canvas (Image > Image Resize)

for single subjects like this i usually resize them to ~300 to ~400. whatever you think looks best tbh

now drag the file from its place up top:

then the file from where it’s labeled ‘Layer 0′

8: now hobi is inside the canvas where the actual header is going to be made~ you can get rid of the render, or save it as a .png, whatever u plan on doing w it

i’m gonna center my hobi for the header i plan on making! from this point it’s just gonna be coloring, sharpening, etc. if you’re interested in using any textures like flowers or bring in other renders of objects, DeviantArt is a great place to search for texture packs. @beapanda on DeviantArt makes beautiful resources (kpop and non kpop related) be sure to credit them or whoever u save ur textures from!

for this header i’m not going to be using any outside resources, i just want my hobi to be the focus~

for the background, i’m gonna use a gradient from this site (this pack is 200 images. phew)

i’m using no. 200 from that pack.

9: optional- i’m gonna make some extra layers and start coloring hobi using clipping masks.

make a new layer > right click the new layer and find ‘create clippink mask’ > set the layer to either color, overlay, or multiply (whatever you think looks best and does what u are trying to achieve)

here i’ve just make layers to color things like his hair, his hoodie, and baby mang

here’s with vs without:

and when you’re done, go ahead and right click your primary layer (subject layer) and click ‘merge clipping mask’.

10: coloring~

find a psd you like or being to color the header yourself. for this header i’m gonna be using a homemade psd. i’m not gonna go into detail bc there are sooo many places to find psds on tumblr and deviantart. just like you brought hobi into the header canvas, drag your psd there, and that’s how u apply a psd.

when u are happy with the coloring, right click the bottom layer and flatten the image.

11: topaz clean + unmask sharpen

topaz clean is an addition u have to manually add to your photoshop program. u can google how to do it, but if anyone’s struggling i can show u how i did if i remember (but i’m pretty sure i do)

topaz settings:

unsharp mask settings (go to filter > sharpen > unsharp mask):

honestly, topaz is completely unnecessary, but i like the way it looks so i’m gonna go with it anyway. sharpening the header alone will still give you a great outcome

12: final step, header border time~

over on my film/tv blog @gusdapperton i’ve made a header template pack (click here if u just wanna use my premade borders) but for this tutorial i’m gonna show u how i actually made those (minus the cloud one, i was just fucking around lol) (it’s so simple)

>>> if u DO just save one of the borders i made in that pack, resize it so the width is at 800 and drag it to your header canvas. set the layer to ‘screen’ and bang there u go!

BUT with that method u can’t change the color from white. so if u want a border with any other color, keep following the tutorial >>>

go to view > rulers and select that to show the rulers (duh)

click from inside the ruler (light grey) and drag out your guides. here are where i’m placing mine:

they should ‘snap’ right into place, but if they don’t, make sure u go to view > snap and that’ll fix it. u will know what i mean once u try it lol

select the curvature pen tool (right click the pen tool to show more tool options):

and begin to place your dots. thanks to the guides, these dots will also snap into place

here are mine:

(i eyeballed the two in the middle, it doesn’t need to look perfect tbh)

this next step is sorta stupid but i haven’t found a better way to do it yet lol

to close the shape just make sure to closely follow the direction of the dot you last placed, then go around to make your way back to the first... it looks silly but like this:

just play around with the shape and the tool... u will get the hang of it lol

now look up ^ and press Selection

then ‘Ok’ in the next window. then boom~ there’s your selection for the border we’re about to make.

make a new layer then select the rectangular marquee tool (second from the top on the left sidebar) and either drag with your mouse or use the arrow keys to move the selection we just made. here is where i’m placing mine:

then select your paint bucket tool (if you can’t find it, right click the gradient tool and it’ll be one of the sub tools, like i showed u with the pen tool)

make a new layer, then fill it in (i’m using white)

you can stop there, but to make that line like i did in my border template pack, press the down arrow on your keyboard and go down 5-10 pixels, press backspace, go down the same amount of pixels, and re-fill that area.

now unselect. there’s the border~

now go to view > clear guides to get rid of those. u don’t need em anymore :) i’m also going to move the border we’ve just made down to the bottom of the canvas since we don’t need that big gap there.

>>> tip, don’t fill in the white directly on the layer if you wanna change the color. create a new layer on top of the border layer, right click > create clipping mask > fill the layer with the color u want for the background. example:

it saves the integrity of the shape. if you color fill right over the white, look closely and you’ll see it looks sort of pixelated and not as clean or smooth. it’s subtle but noticeable enough to me where it bothers me.

since this color i chose is kinda vibrant and clashes, i’m gonna help it out some. go back to the quick select tool and select everything inside your border layer. make a new layer, fill the layer with black (any color will do, it doesn’t matter) and set the fill to 0%. double click that new layer, and a new screen will pop up. go to drop shadow, find the settings you like, and boom. here’s what i did and what it’ll look like:

now u are finished~ i didn’t do this but u can skip sharpening the header earlier in the tutorial and reflatten the image again to sharpen it at this point instead but, yknow, i didn’t do that lol

here’s the final product (save by going to file > export > save for web)

preview of how it looks on mobile:

background: 8bd4ed

the end~ please send me an ask or dm if you haven any further questions, i will try my hardest to help <3

#photoshop tutorial #header tutorial #allresources #completeresources #mine:tutorial #i probably fucked up somewhere but it's bed time so i will find out in the morning hehe

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