#and I am not gonna reblog random stuff from july | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thelovelyghostwriter · 4 years ago

Note

do you think kuraneon is gonna be canon in the official hxh universe and what must have happened?

Whether or not they would be canon is up to Sir Togashi himself. While he does have romantic elements in his previous works like Yu Yu Hakusho and Ten de Showaru Cupid, it's not as explicit in HxH (e.g. Meruem/Komugi).

If you asked me this before knowing about the KuraNeon Marriage Theory (will give a link in the reblog later on) and KuraNeon paired up in mobile games, I would have said "0% chance" because we do not see them interact on-screen (even if I had shipped them since I first laid my eyes on Neon).

However, it is kinda sus that Kurapika became a Nostrade Family Young Boss; with Light and Neon nowhere shown. The more "accepted" theory is that Light is unable to continue and Neon is dead (although I do have rebuttals about Neon being dead - that's another conversation). I do wonder why he had to keep their mafia family name - there is no reason to if he truly let them wither. But from Light's last appearance in a manga panel, Kurapika did reassure him that he'll handle everything and you see the Nostrade mafia family organisation doing well under Kurapika. Which is also why my friend went to bring up that plausible KuraNeon Marriage Theory.

I know that a lot of people think they don’t interact, but that is on-screen. After York New City arc, we don’t see Kurapika until way later, however him being in charge as the Nostrade Boss indicates that he stayed with the Nostrades. God knows what they did while living under one roof.

Another thing that is major sus is the mobile games. Even non-shippers are baffled why KuraNeon is a thing. Kurapika and Neon are seen dressed as Hikoboshi and Orihime in two sets of the mobage cards; a romantic couple that is known in a Japanese legend and celebrated on 7 July (Tanabata Festival). They are even shown writing on coloured papers in one of the cards + Kurapika holding a bamboo - these coloured papers are used during the Tanabata festival where wishes are written on them and hung on bamboo. It is believed that the reunion between the two lovers Hikoboshi and Orihime are so joyous that they grant the wishes of the people. As far as I know, the only pairing that gets to have a Orihime/Hikoboshi theme in their cards is Machi/Hisoka; and we do see Hisoka/Machi having a soft spot for one another in canon (in the current arc, Machi does patch him up after his defeat and Hisoka spared her).

Hmmm.. I should make a post about this whole Tanabata thing actually. Asides from that, they are also the v-day banner in 2019 for the games and she gave him a cake during the valentine’s day event, to which showed a scene of him thinking about what to give her back (and low and behold, Kurapika’s White’s Day card featured him with a gift and him wearing the same outfit of the scene where he thought about what to give her).

In a separate mobile game, they have a special attack together. Their mobage cards have identical backgrounds and themes. Therefore, it isn’t just one mobile game that does this. It makes me wonder why the official team devs do that when this pairing shipping sub-fandom is really small and many even dislike it.

Even as a shipper, it also baffles me why devs do that when they have little screentime together (gotta be more objective here). If you do consider the KuraNeon Marriage Theory or consider that they might end up together in the manga, it makes sense why the official hxh game devs pair them together. And I am unsure about the source - but I think for Japanese manga production of non-manga material, you need approval from the writer? All the more to be suspicious of the mobile games that contains KuraNeon above every single pairing out there.

Hence, if you ask me, there is a chance of Kurapika/Neon being canon. How that might happen is a little tricky and depending on the type of portrayal they will be (I have four interpretations of this ship on my pinned post lol).

I’m not sure if you only define canon as the vanilla/romantic type, or it also includes one that is a little twisted. I've noticed that hxh has friendship and family dynamics that are already complicated and not as wholesome as one would think. I do believe that if KuraNeon were to be canon, it would be the latter interpretation.

There are actually a few things that are needed to be considered for it to happen: 1) Neon’s fate - she needs to be alive (or maybe not) Now, a lot of people believe she died because Chrollo’s book speculates that she does. However, we don’t see her dead body. It’s literally just Chrollo’s interpretation. This is contrasted by Kurapika that states that the previous Scarlet Eye owners did not need to be killed (and the “daughter of a mafia leader” is one of them). If the daughter of a mafia leader is truly Neon, then it brings a question of who should you believe more: Chrollo or Kurapika? (Imo it’s super interesting how these two guys who are enemies have different narratives on the same girl).

Of course, there was this potential discrepancy I found while re-watching this arc. The Scarlet Eyes that Kurapika bidded for 2.9 billion was a fake. They thought it was stolen when Squala took it with him and died - but it was actually that Kortopi’s Gallery Fake copy disappears after 24hour. So technically, the Eyes is with the Troupe. Now, assuming that Togashi has not forgotten this detail (I believe he still remembers), I do think that it is possible that since Chrollo is the type to get bored of the stuff he steals, he will just sell it and it will be obtained by the later owners. As for “the daughter of a mafia leader”, I’m sure it’s Neon that Kurapika is referring to - be it him mentioning her as merely a previous owner despite the set of Scarlet Eyes being “stolen” or she bought another set. (There is a chance that is not Neon, but another daughter of a random mafia leader, but what are the chances of another daughter being like that?)

I guess I just wanted to point this detail out because many people readily believed Chrollo’s book (it was not even himself). He stated that he did not know when it disappeared.

As for that “Hisoka killed Neon” theory, while it is believable and interesting, the only thing that is doubtful for that is that a) Hisoka could not have gone off to kill Neon in such a short period of time, b) that would be an insult to Kurapika’s capabilities if she was under his care, c) the fortune-telling ability doesn’t bother Hisoka. Pakunoda and Hisoka had a short conversation about the fortune and both of them acknowledged that the future changed. Hisoka wrote over his fortune despite having a good one to manipulate the events in hopes of fighting Chrollo - that is an indication of his belief that he writes his own future, and therefore which is why I argue that the fortune-telling ability never bothered him.

As for the “Kurapika killed Neon” theory, I think... they all need to get one thing straight about Kurapika: as much as possible, except for the spiders, he doesn’t kill (or at least dislikes to kill). He stated that none of the owners had to die even if two preferred to die. If there’s a way, he will not shed blood. Besides, Kurapika doesn’t actually hate Neon - contrary to popular belief. There wasn’t a single manga panel that indicates his hatred for her; or even annoyance. It was only the time where Mellody mentioned that he will kill her if she stands in the way, but Kurapika, as much as mentioned before, doesn’t kill if there is an alternative way.

I have yet to fully explore possible reasons why Neon’s ability disappears from Chrollo’s book if she’s still alive (my friend thinks it’s related to Kurapika’s dolphin ability). However, there are many rebuttals to the theories on how she died.

But yeah, I think for it to be canon, Neon has to be alive. Unless... they were already canon and he sailed to the Dark Continent and she died slightly before that event (tbh I rather not have this).

2) Kurapika’s fate - he needs to live

Number 2 is a condition is if they aren’t canon yet before he sails to the Dark Continent.

One thing that confuses people is that they think that just because Kurapika is under the Kakin Employment, it means that he is no longer affiliated with the Nostrades. The Kakin Employment contract is temporary - he is still affiliated with the Nostrades (and their business is bodyguarding, take note). As for him being in the Zodiac, he is still the Nostrade Family Young Boss - being part of the Zodiacs is like some political committee.

I know there are rumours (I say rumours cause I don’t see the interview script by my own eyes) that Togashi once indicated that the Phantom Troupe and Kurapika will all die. I do think that Togashi can kill one of his main characters, but there’s one thing that makes me question whether he changed his mind: Nitro Rice from the Dark Continent.

The Nitro Rice is a thing in the Dark Continent that prolongs one’s life - a direct solution to Kurapika’s Emperor Time problem. I think if he does last until they reach the Dark Continent, he has a chance to prolong his lifespan that he has lost while using Emperor Time.

Now, if he indeed gets to survive, manages to complete his mission, there’s another problem he will face: a will to live. Because currently, all he has ever lived for is bringing justice to his clan. Beyond that, what can he live for? Which kind of makes the ending for him to happily live with someone (be it his friends or having a family) a suitable one.

3) Neon’s development

Neon is seriously misunderstood among the fandom - even her personality. I’ve seen a lot of Kurapika x (other character) ships where Neon is the 3rd party in fanfics; and it is a one-sided love.

However, Neon is actually an emotionally detached person while Kurapika is the one that gets attached to people, even if he initially avoids them. Neon has what psychologists will call “Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style” while Kurapika has “Avoidant-Fearful Attachment Style”. This is rightfully so due to their different backgrounds. I actually believe that between the two of them, Kurapika will be the one who falls first or if this is one-sided, Kurapika is the one that likes her because of their attachment styles.

Neon has zero friends, is materialistic and lacks sympathy for dead people (the complete opposite of Kurapika). She believes in focusing on the present and the living (it’s actually a pretty good principle to live for). She needs to learn how to be more attached to people and learn compassion - which she actually is seen as being capable of. She was surprised that Eliza broke down and cried, and even forgo bidding physically. I think this is an indication of her starting to feel sympathy for people and perhaps being more mature - cemented by the fact that she lost her powers.

Therefore, I do think she needs to learn how to warm her heart up to people (which she might have already started to after the York New incident) if she were to feel something for Kurapika.

4) Kurapika’s view of her

Okay, this is one factor that is either you take it the vanilla way or the kinky way lmao. I actually wrote a Cognitive Dissonance Theory for Kurapika on my Tumblr post for this one (will try to link it in the reblog).

Kurapika’s initial belief is that flesh collectors are scums who should be arrested, yet he is surprised to see that his flesh-collecting employer is a girl of his age. I think there is already dissonance in his mind there once he met her.

Contrary to popular belief, Kurapika doesn’t hate Neon (there’s no single manga panel that ever once showed he detest her or feel annoyed with her; as compared to other employees of hers). In fact, he does quickly understand that Neon is being exploited by her father - to which he corrects Basho about the situation. In the manga, when he woke up after the fever, he says her name (in the 2011 anime, it was “Boss” but in the manga, it’s “Neon”) and immediately asks about her; which indicates that he is concerned for her. Of course, she is his employer but in that situation where he is bedridden and not working, him asking about her won’t be just due to him working as a bodyguard.

However, this doesn’t show that he has feelings for her. It only proves that a) he doesn’t hate her, b) he does care about her. He needs to see Neon as more than just a flesh collector for him to like her; on top of spending time with one another. He needs to see (if he hasn’t already) that she is a girl his age that has a different predicament than him.

This is the vanilla way I guess.

The darker and more saucy interesting interpretation would be him thinking it’s okay to objectify her just as much as she objectifies his clan’s eyes (that’s another post I gotta do for another day - but hey, this interpretation is paralleled to Tserreidnich/Theta).

5) Spending Time with one another

I think as mentioned, it is already a given that Kurapika and Neon had spent time together under one roof off-screen while we see Gon and Killua on-screen during the 3 arcs. However, I think Neon cannot suddenly become less detached and Kurapika cannot want something more than his mission at the moment; so I do think that even if they had spent time before Dark Continent Exploration arc, Neon and Kurapika needs to spend time together after he comes back (that’s if they haven’t banged before he sailed to the Dark Continent like they did in my fic lmao).

So yeah, I think these are generally the five things that I think should happen if they were to be canon.

I don’t know why I was compelled to do a long-ass post of this, but I hope this answers your question. I can go on and write a report about this but Imma stop here for now.

39 notes · View notes

fairytales-and-folklore · 4 years ago

Text

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

✨ Original Post ✨

I know it's supposed to be an ask game but I love stuff like this so I just answered them all lol

Tagging @elevenstarsofchaos @summertimekiller @nutellarghh @tails89 @ash-mcj if you guys want to do it too

1. What is your middle name?

Chase

2. How old are you?

I grew up with dial-up internet, AIM, tamagotchis, and the spice girls

3. When is your birthday?

July 25

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Cancer/Leo cusp

5. What is your favorite color?

Dark Gray and Minty Blue

6. What’s your lucky number?

11 and 7

7. Do you have any pets?

Sadly no, but once I live in a place that allows pets, I'm gonna have a whole bunny army

8. Where are you from?

US east coast

9. How tall are you?

5'4"

10. What shoe size are you?

7/8

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

How many do I have sitting in a shoe rack in my closet or how many do I have stacked by the front door that I actually wear on a regular basis?

12. What was your last dream about?

Last night I dreamt that I was competing on a baking show with my pack and we were all covered in flour trying to figure out how to make sourdough bread lol

13. What talents do you have?

Writing, sewing, knitting, papercrafts, and for some reason, memorizing really random weird fandom-related tongue-twisters like raxacoricofallapatorious

14. Are you psychic in any way?

I like to think I have intuitive moments

15. Favorite song?

It changes daily, but right now it's Willow (Dancing Witch Remix) by Taylor Swift

16. Favorite movie?

It used to be a cross between Tangled, Half-Blood Prince, and The Avengers, but it's been a while and I'm not sure what I'd choose now

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

@elevenstarsofchaos ♥️

18. Do you want children?

Just bunnies 🐰

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I want an outdoor wedding — beach or garden

20. Are you religious?

I think I'd fall under agnostic

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

Yes

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

I got a couple of parking tickets lol

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

Apparently I just missed meeting Brendon Urie by a couple of minutes when my partner dropped me off at the airport one time

24. Baths or showers?

Showers, but baths are nice too

25. What color socks are you wearing?

It's July, too hot for socks

26. Have you ever been famous?

If you count seeing your own fic reblogged on your dash

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

Nah, too much pressure. I like my peace and quiet.

28. What type of music do you like?

A little bit of everything, except for country, rap, and metal

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Yup

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

I alternate between a memory foam pillow and a buckwheat pillow, both super comfy

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

Side or stomach, usually

32. How big is your house?

It's cozy

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Poached egg on toast and a honeycrisp apple

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

Nope

35. Have you ever tried archery?

I haven't, but I bet that'd be fun

36. Favorite clean word?

Wisteria

37. Favorite swear word?

Fuck

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

Two days

39. Do you have any scars?

A few little ones, mostly from hiking or crafting

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Well if it's a secret, how would I know?

41. Are you a good liar?

Lying makes me uncomfy

42. Are you a good judge of character?

I'd like to think so

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

I think I'm decent at a Scottish accent?

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I don't think so

45. What is your favorite accent?

Scottish, Irish, English, and Australian

46. What is your personality type?

INFJ

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

Probably my boots

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yes

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Innie

50. Left or right handed?

Right

51. Are you scared of spiders?

Oh yes

52. Favorite food?

Hibachi, pho, and thanksgiving style turkey and mashed potatoes

53. Favorite foreign food?

Pho

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

Clean, mess makes me anxious

55. Most used phrased?

56. Most used word?

I'm just gonna take and apply what my lovely friend Hayley said when I asked my pack what my most used phrase and word are lol

Me: What are my words? I have no words. I am wordless. Adrift in the sea without word or wood.

Hayley: Maybe you just have so many words. Every sentence you craft is unique. A gift to be treasured.

Me: Oh 🥺♥️

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

If I'm showered and dressed? Two minutes. If I'm in the middle of a project? I'll *say* two minutes but it'll actually be more like an hour.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I would, but the self-esteem issues keep getting in the way lol

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

Suck until it's soft enough to bite

Welp, that sounds interesting out of context

60. Do you talk to yourself?

I give myself pep talks when I'm feeling anxious

61. Do you sing to yourself?

I sing while I work on projects sometimes

62. Are you a good singer?

I like to think so, I've been told I am

63. Biggest Fear?

That health issues will get in the way of me living a good life

64. Are you a gossip?

Nah

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

Moulin Rouge

66. Do you like long or short hair?

For me personally? Long

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Yup, the song was drilled into me in middle school chorus lol

68. Favorite school subject?

Art and English

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert, but I like being social with the right people

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No, but I'd like to

71. What makes you nervous?

Feeling out of control health/body wise, people with bad intentions

72. Are you scared of the dark?

More scared of what might be lurking in the dark, especially dark waters

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Only if they'll cause harm

74. Are you ticklish?

Yes, I'll flail and kick

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

I was line leader in kindergarten

77. Have you ever drank underage?

Yeah lol

78. Have you ever done drugs?

If weed counts

79. Who was your first real crush?

Ewan McGregor lol

80. How many piercings do you have?

Technically five, all ears, but most of them have closed up by now

81. Can you roll your Rs?

Oui

82. How fast can you type?

Moderate

83. How fast can you run?

I'd like to get better at running in general, let alone fast

84. What color is your hair?

Honey blonde

85. What color is your eyes?

Blue

86. What are you allergic to?

Most fragrances, cigarette smoke, peanuts

87. Do you keep a journal?

I do

88. What do your parents do?

Like for fun or for work?

89. Do you like your age?

It's fine

90. What makes you angry?

People who are insensitive, argumentative, and controlling

91. Do you like your own name?

Yeah

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

No, but I have a list of character names I like

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

I don't want kids, but if I had to choose, I guess I'd want a girl

94. What are you strengths?

I'm creative, I'm resilient, and I can make people laugh

95. What are your weaknesses?

Anxiety and fear of pain

96. How did you get your name?

I was born and my parents named me lol

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

I don't know, I've never done an ancestry test

98. Do you have any scars?

I feel like I already answered this lol

99. Color of your bedspread?

Charcoal gray comforter and blue and gray stars on white sheets

100. Color of your room?

White, but if I had a choice, I think I'd paint it light minty blue or light purple, with a matching darker accent wall

6 notes · View notes

madisonrooney · 4 years ago

Text

tagged by @tevinter-pariah! sorry i completely forgot to do this sdhglkdfghj

1. Favorite Song at the Moment

lazybaby by dove cameron

i dont....think i need to explain myself. the brainrot has been substantial and has lasted almost 3 months. as ive said in other posts, i already loved her music, but THIS. THIS is what ive been wanting all along and quite honestly puts all her other singles to shame. (which sounds harsh but i just really prefer upbeat stuff ok)

2. A Song You Associate With Your Favorite Ship

i feel it comin by the weeknd

for mosh. the line “you’ve been scared of love and what it did to you” is what first gave me the idea. im actually working on edit rn with them and this song and im continuing to see how well it fits them, bc its all about not fighting and taking the beginning of a relationship slowly, which is spot on for them.

3. A Song That Could Be About You

rite of spring by angels and airwaves

ok mostly the chorus bc the verses are very specific lol. but the chorus is spot on me, every word, which is rare for me.

4. A Song You Think is Overrated

drivers license by olivia rodrigo

lees gonna kill for this one lmao. maybe its not my kind of music but it really blindsided me when this blew up as fast as it did, particularly bc ive followed a number of other disney stars music careers who couldnt get that well known even after a few albums, let alone one single. i also am just territorial with my fandoms and to see all these random people become obsessed with her in a day when id been following her for significantly longer and was just brushed aside for it is annoying.

5. A Song That Reminds You Of A Good Memory

untouched by the veronicas

it was like 5am on july 29 2017 and id just gotten home from seeing dove in mamma mia a few hours prior and still riding that high. and i cant stress how much i mean riding that high. ive posted about it before so some of you have been subjected to these stories already fjhgkjfdgjd. i laid awake just in complete bliss for literal hours simply because id just had one of the best nights of my life. this song came on my dash and i reblogged it, thinking immediately how from then on, i’d associate it with that night. and i have. the next year was rough, getting hardly any new content out of dove after 4 years of constant content which left me v understimulated, but just listening to this song would rekindle my love for her.

6. The Last Song You Listened To

break this down by the cast of descendants 3

i was hanging out with one of my fellow disney-loving pals and put my disney playlist on shuffle as i usually do with him. i usually skip the disney channel stuff when i do that but obvs i wasnt gonna skip this.

7. A Song That Makes You Laugh

hot stuff by donna summer

inside joke with my best friend. just gonna leave it at that. have heard it twice in the same antique store over the last couple weeks and lost it both times.

8. A Song You Want Your Mutuals To Listen To

taste of you by rezz feat dove cameron

need i say more. we’ve come full circle my friends.

i tag @iorde @browncesario @superbatson

3 notes · View notes

iredreamer · 6 years ago

Note

Hey! What are some of the most sexually explicit things Anne wrote in her diary?? 🙊🙊

fiercepixie7 asked: Thank you for sharing your information on Anne’s journal. She’s a fascinating lady. Are there any particularly ‘sexy’ bits in Anne’s diary that you could share?

So, about this, I thought about how to answer this for the longest time because, well, well, well we could stay here an eternity I guess… The easy answer is, just open a random journal page and read the coded parts, chances are that you’re gonna end up reading a sexy bit lol

This post is gonna be…

…so, if sexually explicit stuff/language makes you uncomfortable, well, then, don’t read this.

The quotes are gonna be about Mrs Barlow and Ann Walker because those are the two periods of AL’s life I’ve been mostly interested in.

Sunday 14, November 1824 > Touched her flesh just above the knee twice. I kissed her [Maria Barlow] warmly & held her strongly. She said what a state I was putting myself into. She got up to go away & went to the door. I followed. Finding she lingered a moment, pressed her closely & again tried to put my hand up her petticoats. Finding that she would not let me do this but still that she was a little excited, I became regularly so myself. I felt her grow warm & she let me grubble & press her tightly with my left hand whilst I held her against the door with the other, all the while putting my tongue into her mouth & kissing her so passionately as to excite her not a little, I am sure. [No Priest but Love - SH:7/ML/E/8/0078]

Monday 20, December 1824 > Then knelt down by her [Maria Barlow] – kissed her – put my left hand on her left breast & at last by dint of management took three pins out & finally got the nipple into my mouth & sucked it for perhaps as much as ten minutes. [SH:7/ML/E/8/0102]

Friday 21, January 1825 > She [Maria Barlow] bade me put her in the position I liked best, she then lay all her length upon me, the tops of our two queers in contact. Then she lying on her left side with my right thigh between hers. She said it should be the other on which I put the left thigh between hers and got as near to her as I durst not to be in danger of infecting her with my complaint… Throw down the clothes and look[ed] at her in the full light. I told her I had no idea she was so pretty there it was the prettiest part about her. It really is very pretty, quite black and round and fat and very nicely formed. – I have told her since that the prettiest part of her is quite hid. [SH:7/ML/E/8/0118]

Thursday 24, February 1825 > I put my face to her [Maria Barlow] & twice got queer into my mouth & just sucked the tip of it. [SH:7/ML/E/8/0130]

Saturday 26, February 1825 > I began to handle her & look at her [Maria Barlow] – licked a little bit of her queer opened her with my finger & slavered into her then grubbled looking all the while & gave her a good excitement. Before all this she herself had awaked me – lain on me & tried to see how I could get myself near her. I played sometime with only my shift parting me from her lying just as I should do for a kiss… She was evidently in a state of great excitement. She several times bade me go on & not be afraid & told me to do as I always did – I found she meant move my finger rapidly up & down. [SH:7/ML/E/8/0130]

Thursday 4, October 1832 > I had my arm on the back of the sofa – she leaned on it – looked as if I might be affectionate, & it ended in her lying on my arm all the morning & my kissing her & she returning it with such a long continued passionate or nervous mumbling kiss – that we got on as far as we, by day-light, mere kissing, could – I thinking to myself, ‘Well, this is rather more than I expected – of course she means to take [me]’… She asked me to dine with her at five & stay all night – I promised the former… Thought I, ‘I see I shall get all I want of her person [body], if I stay all night’… Afterwards drew near to each [other] & she sat on my knee & I did not spare kissing & pressing she returning it as in the morning… We were so affectionate – we let the lamp go out – long continued (mumbling moist) kissing, I prest her bosom – then finding no resistance & the lamp being out – let my hand wander lower down, gently getting to [her] queer – still no resistance – so I whispered surely she could care for me some little? [Nature’s Domain - SH:7/ML/E/15/0126]

Thursday 11, October 1832 > As it became dusk we crept closer & I without any resistance got, for the first time, right middle finger up her queer at three separate times. She [Ann Walker] nothing loath but evidently excited, liking it & wet & taking it altogether as if she had learnt her lesson before in this way too as well as kissing. She whispered that she loved me. [SH:7/ML/E/15/0131]

Monday 15, October 1832 > I undressed in half hour & then went to her room. Had her [Ann Walker] on my knee a few minutes & then got into bed – she making no objection – & staid with her till twelve & three quarters grubbling gently – right middle finger up almost all the time. Made two or three attempts to get myself quite near her, but somehow could not manage it & she seemed so tender & able to bear so little (I think she was more intact & innocent & virginal than I had latterly surmised) that I contented myself with handling her gently & love making. She feared she should never be able to satisfy me. On leaving her, my night things so wet obliged to take them off & sleep in my dressing gown. She whispered to me in bed how gentle & kind I was to her & faintly said she loved me or else “how can you think” said she “that I should let you do as you do?”. [SH:7/ML/E/15/0132]

Friday 26, October 1832 > Grubbling till late & gave her [Ann Walker], as she owned, pleasure tired as she was not too tired for that at it again before eight in the morning & left our bed sheets (she came & slept with me) quite wet our night linen being ditto. The house maid being a widow might suspect what had been going on. [SH:7/ML/E/15/0135]

Monday 10, February 1834 > She [Ann Walker] was, at first, tired & sleepy but by & by roused up & during a long grubbling, said often we had never done it so well before. I was hot to washing tub wetness & tired before it was half over. We talked & never slept till five. [Gentleman Jack: The Real Anne Lister - SH:7/ML/E/16/0167]

Thursday 31, July 1834 > Miss W– came to me at eight & ten minutes. Had shewed me her bosom & on my asking her took off her night things & stood naked so then got into bed & we had a kiss. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0066]

more here & here.

Y’all please feel free to reply/reblog with more sexy bits from AL’s journal ;)

312 notes · View notes

pondermoniums · 4 years ago

Text

Tag game! tagged by @rvspberryjvm <3

Name/Nickname: Ponder, but my name’s Sevaynna (like Savannah), and friends say/write Sevy.

Gender: she/her/they. I’m on a bit of a gender identity journey haha I guess I’m a non-conforming woman? I stick to gender fluid, though. There’s a lot of room to breathe there.

Star Sign: Pisces. Sagittarius moon and Aries rising/ascending lol there’s a little too much accuracy there. The day I realized I was an aries rising, I thought....well shit lol the stars are doxing me. My actual star chart (the circular chart with all the lines drawn) is extremely unbalanced lol literally all of the lines are on one side. Explains why I’m an absolute mess.

Height: a WHOPPING....5′2″ (158cm)

Time: 12:17pm

Birthday: March 4th, 1994

Favorite Bands: BTS, The 1975, The Animal In Me, Faun, Years & Years, Panic! At the Disco....and more kpop lol (EXO and Shinee)

Favorite Solo Artists: Taemin, Dua Lipa, and Lady Gaga

Song stuck in my head: The Animal In Me’s cover of Never Gonna Give You Up LOL

Last Movie: To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar (click through for the movie’s opening. It lives rent-free in my brain.

Last Show: The Witcher

When did I create this blog: Oh gosh...high school lol so 2011-12ish

What do I post: Mostly announcements for my writing haha new chapters & stuff. But also aesthetic art, gifs, etc that make me happy; as well as random posts about mental health, etc that I think ought to be shared.

Last thing googled: “youtube to mp3″ haha because I’m cheap and don’t pay for music okayyyy, don’t attack me.

Other blogs: I have several private blogs lol blogs for individual stories I’m writing. I reblog anything useful or inspiring for that story.

Do I get asks: I do! Not as often as I would like, but as an Aries rising, I’ve been told that I’m intimidating haha so people are free to lurk without reaching out.

Why I chose my url: Ponder is a verb, “to think” and Pandemonium is a state of chaos. Ponder-moniums. Chaos of thought, or thoughtful chaos.

Average hours of sleep: I NEED at least 8. My brain is completely useless without a lot of sleep.

Instruments: My voice (former choir kid), but I’ve done piano and guitar lessons.

What am I wearing: long-johns (thermal/winter underwear/leggings), slippers, and a hoodie.

Dream job: I originally went to school for theatre. To have the confidence to go back to that would mean a lot to me.

Dream trip: To go to a non-English speaking country and actually be able to converse in their language. But right now Greece is probably my #1 spot.

Favorite food: Sushi. Joke’s on me, because I’m vegetarian lol but East Asian cuisine is my favorite.

Nationality: ex-patriot American haha

Favorite song: it changes regularly haha but it’s somewhere between Levitating by Dua Lipa, Exclusive or Criminal by Taemin, or Midnight Skies by Miley Cyrus.

Last book I read: The last book I properly read from cover to cover is probably a Sookie Stackhouse (True Blood) book. But I’m in The Great Gatsby and Pachinko (Min Jin Lee) right now.

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: the only ones I know about are in the Harry Potter universe haha and we can’t talk about those anymore u_u

*edit* I read the last question as “universities” haha but I’ll leave it as it is since I write way more than I read u_u

Anyone who wants to do this, consider yourself tagged <3

#thanks for tagging me!#pondermoniums #tag game

1 note · View note

cynicallystiles · 7 years ago

Text

Beach Sunrises: Ruin

Author: @cynicallystiles

Warning: Mostly angst, but hey there’s slight fluff at the end. Cursing, embarrassment, yadda yadda.

Pairing: Shawn Mendes x Reader

Summary: While on tour one day, Shawn sees a woman watching the sunrise by herself. Thinking that he’ll never see her again, he tries to forget as he goes on with the rest of his day. But, serendipity seems to have other ideas…

Notes: Yo, this is hella late. But, like I’ve been so busy adjusting to college and I’ve already had a minor emotional breakdown this week! But, I persevered (for now)! But, this is hella long and I actually maybe like it? ONLY ONE CHAPTER LEFT AFTER THIS FOR THE SERIES. PLEASE REBLOG OR COMMENT if you like it! I always welcome messages and asks about my work! Enjoy!

Masterlist

Series Masterlist

Part 10 Part 12

Words: 10,435

First P.O.V.

You know, I wasn't all that sure at first about Nick letting me use him as a distraction. It felt wrong...like, really wrong because I didn't know where it was gonna go or if I was ever gonna get over Shawn. And Nick is the sweetest guy I've ever met. So that made it feel triply wrong. But, he insisted and I'll admit that it didn't take me much convincing.

I mean, how often do incredibly sweet, funny, smart, and attractive guys give you permission to use them as a distraction? And without expecting it to become more than that once you've healed up some. Not a lot, that's how many.

It's true, he didn't push me to make it a real relationship. He lets me set the pace and respects my decisions. When you're with a guy that amazing...it's hard to set boundaries for yourself on whether or not you're really ready to start a new relationship. Which is why I didn't mean to elevate us to a couple...it just happened.

I can't say that I mind because I love being with him. It was easy to become close to him and forget about Shawn. But, people finding out about us was kind of my fault. I've been so out of my shell lately and more confident that I don't really keep all my secrets that guarded. If someone wants to know something, I'll happily tell them if I feel like it.

So while we were in New Zealand, I had been asked to go on the radio show The Edge NZ and I asked if Nick could come along. At the beginning, it was more about the documentary and when it'd be coming out and what everyone could expect. Stuff like that. Then, they wanted to play a question game that I, unfortunately, agreed to.

It was a game they invented for Shawn a few years ago called Please, Have Mercy on Me. In his version, they attached electric clamps to a shirtless guy and every time Shawn refused to answer a question, the guy got shocked. Well, I just felt really bad about getting someone else shocked so I insisted that the clamps go on my index fingers. I'm not scared of a little electricity.

The questions are a mixed bag of random facts about me that people want to know and more personal and intimate questions that they thought I would be reluctant to answer. I was in such a carefree mood that I slipped up toward the middle of the interview.

"Alright! We'll start out with an easy one...what is your worst habit?"

I clear my throat and lean closer to the microphone. "Ummm...I pick and scratch a lot."

"What do you mean by that?" He inquires.

I shrug. "Like...I pick at acne a lot, which is why I have scars. And my legs itch a lot after hair removal so sometimes I'll literally scratch until I break skin...it's really bad," I chuckle.

"Sounds like it! Onto the next one...how old were you when you lost your v-plates?" He questions.

"Oh, man. Straight for the dirty details," I laugh. "Okay. Um...seventeen," I admit.

He chuckles, "Late bloomer are ya?"

"Just really picky. Should've been pickier, to be honest," I confess.

He ponders my answer before moving on. "That seems like a good segway into...what is the number of sexual partners you've had?"

"Three," I say simply.

His eyebrows shoot up. "Just three? You're twenty-two, correct?" I nod and remember that it's a radio show so I say yes. "You've only been with three people. Wow, that's just hard to believe," he rambles.

"Why's that?" I quirk my eyebrows at the comment.

He shrugs. "Nothing, it's just that there are people younger than you who probably have a really high number and don't answer the question," he informs me.

I nod my head slowly. "People with high numbers at young ages are usually serial hook uppers. Not that I'm judging...I'm just saying that my number is low because despite what some people say," I take a deep breath, "I am serious about that part of my life."

"Roger that," he says clearly uncomfortable at my icy statement. I look at Nick who is trying to contain his amusement at me snapping on the guy. I shoot him a playful glare as the guy continues. "I gotta say, this game isn't very interesting if you don't get shocked."

I shrug as a confident smile comes to my lips. "I'm an open book," I challenge.

"Maybe this one will get you...who is the rudest celebrity you've ever met?" He leans forward in anticipation.

I relax further into my chair as I look at Nick. "I dunno...that one over there could definitely use some manners," I giggle. He chuckles at my antics. "But, in all seriousness...I've only met like a handful of celebs and no one's really been rude to me, per se. If I had to pick someone that was the least nice, I would probably pick Camila Cabello."

"Ooo, juicy. Do tell why," he insists.

I roll my eyes. "There's not much I can say. I met her once for like three seconds and she barely acknowledged my existence," I inform him. "She was a little preoccupied so I can't blame her."

"I think you're the first person to answer that question."

"I'm not looking for drama but I'm not backing out and getting shocked by a fetish toy," I laugh.

He nods appreciatively. "Fair enough. This one might get you shocked," he giggles excitedly. "What's the oldest lover you've had?"

"Twenty...four?" I say with a look of concentration as I do the math. "No! Babe, you turned twenty-five in March right? Yeah? Okay, twenty-five. Final answer," I chuckle.

The room falls silent as everyone has surprised and amused looks on their faces. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"Twenty-five...why?" I ask as I look at Nick, genuinely not knowing what everyone was gawking at. But when I see a look of nervousness on his face it hits me.

"You just asked Nick to confirm his age...which means you've hooked up with him recently!" He laughs and my face turns red.

I swallow and lean closer to the mic again. "Next question, please," I say lowly before bursting into laughter.

"I think we all know the answer to this next one...who was the last celebrity you kissed?" He smirks.

Too late to go back now. "Obviously that snack sitting over there," I chuckle.

"Alright and last question coming up...what celeb would you love to hook up with?"

I scoff. "Easy one...Ni-"

"Ah! Besides your boyfriend over there," he challenges.

My eyes flick from the interviewer to Nick. They both look genuinely curious. I swallow the lump in my throat as I take a deep breath and release it. "I'm gonna have to plead the fifth on that one...so go on and shock me," I say as I close my eyes and wait for the pain.

It actually didn't hurt that bad because it was the first one I didn't answer. So the voltage was on low and it felt more like a tiny little zap. Anyway, news of my interview slip up spread like wildfire throughout both of our fanbases and I didn't mind at all.

There's no reason to be ashamed of the fact that we're together in whatever way. We're both adults and we can do as we please. When we all got back to the states, it was really interesting. Like, I was surprised by the fact that people were actually not prying that much into our relationship or the nature of it.

I have to say we did have one weird experience while we were in Seattle, Nick's hometown. On a day off from Hailee's shows, he took me to the Space Needle since I'd never been. While we were waiting in line, a fan literally started yelling across the distance something about 'mom and dad'. I turned to Nick with a bewildered look and we both couldn't contain our laughter. Fans are super weird, but also super awesome.

August came quicker than I expected. It's hard to keep track of time when I'm so busy with work. But, also because I'm enjoying all my time with Nick. Sometime in April, he had gotten an offer for an amazing movie role. They shot some of the scenes before he left with us on tour, but he has to go back at the end of August to finish it.

At the end of July, I was contacted about doing another interview. This time, it was for The Late Late Show. And I have to say I'm pretty freaking excited about it. James is hilarious and I wouldn't want to do my American interview debut with anyone else. I was supposed to go in on some day during the first week or so of August. I'm not really keeping track of specific dates.

So, I get there sometime in the morning to shoot the interview. Which I was really shocked for some reason to find out that it wasn't actually filmed at night. Like, I just could not wrap my head around it. I arrived in a car with Nick and Hailee. As I got out, I moved to kiss Nick goodbye.

"I guess I'll see you later," I grin at him.

He quirks an eyebrow at me. "Um, no. We're staying," he chuckles. "Didn't anyone tell you that I'm the second guest and Hailee is performing?"

"I guess not...this is even more exciting then!" I squeal as they get out of the car and I walk hand in hand with Nick to the lot.

Once we checked in, they separated us all to get our hair and makeup done. The nice people did my makeup simply and put beach waves in my hair. We got to wear our own outfits so Nick wore something chill like he always does. Basic jeans rolled up at the bottom to show off his boots and a plain tee under an unbuttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up. There's something sexy about how down to earth he is.

I'm kind of the same as him in that way. I like dressing up when the occasion calls for it, but most of the time I just want to be comfortable. So I wore light blue, high-waisted ankle skinny jeans and some simple black and white sneakers. I also chose a loose, white, and hardly see-through tank top that barely outlined my black push-up bra. My shirt has a cool watercolor painting of a mom and baby gorilla and the front is tucked into my jeans.

I wasn't told about anything special happening besides an interview and maybe participating in one of his games. But, I was still on edge because James is notorious for bringing up embarrassing things.

They've already put us all in our own dressing rooms which is driving up my anxiety. Nick is to be announced first in the Orange Room, then me in the Blue, and lastly, Hailee in the Red as the musical guest. I'm pacing around, unable to relax when I get a text.

Nick: Quite pacing! You're gonna make a rut in the floor lol

I quickly respond.

Me: How do you know I'm pacing?

Nick: Because you're you😜

Me: Ugh, you're annoying...

This is taking too long. I open my door and check the hallway to see if it's clear. When I find that it is, I sneakily run down the hallway and lightly knock on his dressing room door. He opens it, full celebrity smile on and then sees me.

"Y/n, I didn't know you got a job with The Late Late Show," he teases.

I roll my eyes at him. "Har, har," I mock him before quickly looking around. "Are you gonna let me in or not?"

He squints at the ceiling in concentration as if he's thinking really hard about it. I scoff, turning around to leave when he grabs my hand and pulls me inside. Once the door is closed, his hands find a home just below my ears as he leans down for a lingering kiss.

All of my jitters melted away right into that kiss as my hands grab fistfuls of his shirt and he backs me up into the door. It amazes me how he can always make a kiss feel both electric and soothing at the same time. One of his hands finds the small of my back and applies pressure.

I hum into the kiss as we make our way further into the dressing room and fall onto the couch. My hands pull him back to me by the nape of his neck before gripping the roots of his hair. His hands wander under my shirt and his fingers make my skin burn everywhere they graze. We both completely forget about everything else but each other.

Until a knock sounds at the door.

We break apart and look at the door. The knock happens again, this time louder. Shit. We both look back at each other and burst into laughter as he gets up quickly and we move to the door. I stand behind it as he cracks it open, a shy and mischievous smile on his face.

"Nick! What's up, buddy? Took a minute to answer...we thought you might've been kidnapped," James jokes from his place on stage.

I hear Nick laugh nervously. I can't help but mess with him as I quietly lean up and place a kiss on the fingers that are on this side of the door. He wiggles them before moving them higher on the door where I can't reach.

"Uh," he chuckles, "yeah, sorry about that I was just doing some relaxation techniques to get rid of some nerves."

There's a pause and a little laughter from the crowd so I can assume that James is making a funny face. "Relaxation techniques, huh? Is that what they're calling it these days?"

"What, uh...what do you mean?" He asks, clearly guilty.

"You've got a bit of lipgloss smudged on your lip, mate," James points out.

I don't have to see his face to know that he's gone beet red. Biting my lip to contain my laughter, I let my head fall forward and it bumps the door. I lift it back up quickly, my laughter just barely being contained.

Nick clears his throat. "Oh, really? Man must've gotten messed up when I was eating that sandwich a minute ago. I'll have to go redo it now...see ya later," he laughs as he slowly closes the door.

As soon as the door is closed, I take the opportunity of James introducing me to open the door and run down the hallway at full speed. Just as I can hear him finishing up my intro, I can see the assistant about to knock on my door. I skid to a stop right in front of her and rush inside.

Not a second later, there's a knock. I open it up and rest against the doorframe nonchalantly. Although, I'm panting like crazy from the sprint. "Oh...hey James! How's it goin'?" I begin the little rehearsed spiel, but James has other ideas.

"Y/n! You, uh...you seem a little out of breath there," he snickers.

I clear my throat and take a final deep breath to subdue the panting. "Nah, I'm good. Just doing some jumping jacks to work out my extra energy," I explain falsely.

He eyes me suspiciously. "Y/n, you are aware that we all just saw you run into your room before we knocked? Yes?"

"Oh, um," my eyes widen and then I scoff playfully. "You caught me! I had to go to the bathroom since my dressing room doesn't have one...I'm a little offended, James."

He doesn't take my bait to change the subject. "You've got a little..." James says as he touches his upper lip with his finger. I brush my thumb over where he's indicating and feel the smudged lip gloss. "Anything you want to tell us?" He raises an eyebrow comically.

I make an over-exaggerated thinking face before looking back at the camera innocently. "Not that I can think of...I really should do some of those jumping jacks though! I'll see you out there," I wave as I close the door slowly while he tries to continue talking.

A short time later we come out to the stage for the game that we're supposed to be participating in. "Alright, ladies and gentleman! Tonight's game was a bit of a challenge to figure out because we seem to have a diva among us," James teases as he unsubtly nods his head to me.

I mock being offended as Nick chuckles beside me. "I'm sorry that you have such a limited selection, James," I joke back. Nick 'ooo's' beside me and it's James' turn to mock being offended.

"Well, we can't do a riff-off..."

"Because neither I nor Nick are singers," I point out.

"And we can't do Nuzzle Whaaa?..."

"Because I know you're gonna make me stick my face into something that I'm scared of! The last one I watched had snakes!! Nuhhuh," I shake my head as a shiver runs through me at the thought.

He chuckles and continues, "So that leaves...Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts!"

"I have a really weak stomach, but it's a good thing I'm honest," I laugh.

"But there's a twist! We're doing a couples' edition just for the two of you," he announces.

My mouth falls open in shock and amusement. "Ohh," I chuckle. "I can't wait to hear the rules," I say sarcastically.

The crowd roars and we go sit around the table.

Third P.O.V.

Ever since Shawn saw the photos of y/n and Nick together, he's been a moping mess. He's been obsessively following everything he can about her for the past few weeks. And to make matters worse it's his 22nd birthday, which he thought he was going to be able to spend with her.

So, when Shawn read the tweet about her and Nick and Hailee all being on The Late Late Show...of course he stayed up to watch it. James started out by introducing them as this summer's hottest trio and then singularly introduced them. Shawn knew it wouldn't be easy to watch them even be next to each other. But to have them be so blatant about their relationship threw him off.

She was obviously in his dressing room and they were doing god only knows what before the introduction. What makes Shawn's teeth grit and his skin hot is that she doesn't seem to even be remotely hurting anymore. How could that be? She told him that he was only the second serious relationship she'd been in and yet he was the one devastated.

They dated for six months, they were intimate, and the second Shawn fucks up...she jumps into bed with Nick. He just can't fathom it. As he continued watching the show, they got to the game segment of Spill Your Guts or Fill Your Guts. But, it's a couples' edition so the rules are a little different.

As they settled into their seats and took in the items in front of them, James explained the rules. "So, how it works is I'll ask each of you a question about the other and if you can't answer it you have to eat what I've chosen...you'll get to ask me questions about my wife and my family in return..."

"Sounds easy enough," she speaks enthusiastically as she shimmies her shoulders excitedly. She looks at Nick adoringly and he returns it. Shawn's stomach twists in its place.

James interrupts their loving gazes. "But! All of the foods have an aphrodisiac spin...and if either of you doesn't want the other to answer...you can eat the food for them! But you only get to save them once."

Both of their faces contort in a strange mix of disgust and intrigue as they chuckle. With one final look at each other, they turn back to James. "Bring it on, man," Nick challenges.

The questions start out sort of easy, but both y/n and Nick are determined to beat James at his own game so they're being pretty honest. "Guys! This game is no fun if you don't eat something gross!" James whines.

"Well," she quirks an eyebrow up sassily. "I guess you'll have to ask harder questions.

James nods approvingly. "Well, alright then..."

He spins the table, trying to choose what to give Nick to eat. He positions the oyster juice in front of him and he scrunches his nose as the smell hits him. Shawn smirks to himself. He hopes he has to drink it.

"So, Nick...out of these animals, which is y/n not afraid of: crickets, turtles, frogs, or spiders?" James asks.

Nick starts laughing nervously. And y/n looks down at her lap as she laughs uncontrollably. Her animal fears are the strangest ones Shawn has ever heard of, but he knows the correct answer. James notices her wheezing in laughter and he begins to do it as well.

"Uh..." Nick says, "I'm gonna have to go with turtles. Who's afraid of turtles right?" He asks jokingly as he looks at James. She slowly raises her hand and James points to her. "Really?" He shakes his head as he picks up the cup and takes a disgusting sip. He shakes his head at the taste as he sets it back down. "Please get her back for that."

She giggles as James turns the table to have the strawberry and salmon ice cream in front of her. Her smile fades and she visibly gags. "Oh! This is gonna be worse than Charlie's reaction if I have to eat that!"

"This one might get you in some hot water if you answer...how many of Nick's movies have you actually seen?" He giggles maniacally.

She blinks for a moment before answering. "I believe I've seen five," she admits. James' face goes still.

"I can't believe you answered that," he says in awe.

She shrugs. "If you think that's gonna get me in some hot water then I'd hate to hear what you think will start a fight," she chuckles.

The game continues and she still hasn't eaten anything. Nick and James have had their fair share. All Shawn can think about is how he wouldn't have to eat anything because he knows everything about her. "Nick, I think it's time to get her don't you think?"

"Yeah, I agree," he nods with a silly smile. Together they agree to set the honey covered crickets in front of her.

She frowns in distaste. "Ugh, two things I hate."

"You what?? You hate honey?" She nods at the same time Shawn does from his living room. "You are weird! This next one will get you, I know it will...is Nick the first celebrity you've hooked up with?"

She takes a deep breath. Looking between the crickets and Nick. Although, Nick already knows the answer. It's a matter of whether or not she wants the world to know. She shakes her head at the crickets and opens her mouth to answer. Shawn and James are on the edge of their seats.

"Well-"

She's interrupted by Nick reaching over and grabbing a cricket and throwing it in his mouth. He grimaces as he chews. "Nick! What the hell was that?? We were finally gonna get her!" James exclaims.

"Actually," he says as he swallows, "she was gonna answer and I don't think she should have to. So now I can say that I've eaten a cricket covered in honey!"

James frowns. "I have one last question for her...and you just used your only save. She'll have to eat or tell the truth," he rubs his hands together excitedly.

"Go for it..." she says nervously.

He has the evilest smirk on his face and she knows he has a question that will get her. James turns the chocolate covered chili peppers in front of her. She frowns as she lets out a little whimper.

"So, y/n...back at the Grammy awards over a year and a half ago when you attended with Shawn, he kissed you when he won his category..."

Her eyes widen and her nervous demeanor turns into uneasiness for a whole different reason. "Oh, god," she mumbles before covering her face, clearly knowing where this is going. Shawn almost chokes on his water at the mention of his name.

"...who...between Shawn and Nick is the better kisser?" He finishes and throws the card in the air in triumph. She's still as a rock as she contemplates her choice. In her mind, they're so different but are equally good. That might be a little lie...

She swallows hard. "Am I allowed to say neither?" She asks shyly.

"Depends on your reasoning..."

She picks at her nails in her lap as she avoids everyone's eyes. Nick's, James', the audience, hell even the camera. "Um...because I feel like they were the same on the level of good, even though they're so different..." she says quietly.

"That's bulls**t. I don't believe it one bit...one of them has to be just a smidge higher than the other," James challenges, an amused smirk on his face.

She clenches her jaw, clearly not happy about the question. Steeling herself, she quickly reaches up and takes a bite of the pepper and chews quickly. The crowd bursts into chaos as she chews and James is losing his shit.

"Oh my god!!! YOU ATE THE F*****G PEPPER!!" He wheezes in between laughs. When she swallows, she chugs her milk with a pained expression. Nick claps beside her, clearly not phased by her not wanting to answer. He knows deep down that she's still not over Shawn, and he's okay with that. He can't blame her for not moving on quickly from her first real love.

The segment cuts out for a commercial. Shawn leans back in his seat. So, Nick knows about them. He didn't think y/n was the type to disclose that if it wasn't important. As Shawn thinks about that, the show comes back on and they come down the stairs to the couch.

Nick sits closest to James and y/n sits on his left where his arm is slung around her. His thumb is lightly tracing patterns on her exposed shoulder. First, they talk about the new movie Nick is working on and then they throw in some questions about Hailee's documentary.

Of course, the questions shift back to their relationship. "So...when did the two of you actually first meet?"

"It was at a, uh...a birthday party," Nick answers and y/n nods with a smile.

James furrows his eyebrows. "Might I ask, whose birthday party?" Shawn has a feeling that James already knew the answer, he just wants to see them squirm.

"It was Shawn's," she says plainly, no emotion in her voice. Either she really had moved on or she was covering up something. Shawn couldn't tell which. But as he watches the screen, he finally gets a good look at her shirt. He couldn't see it before because of how high the table seemed next to her, but he could see it now. It was the tank top he bought her from their trip to the Toronto Zoo. His heart aches at remembering that amazing day.

James nods thoughtfully. "Ah, Shawn. He's a favorite here on The Late Late Show...and if I'm not mistaken...it's his twenty-second birthday today," he says theatrically. She bites on her bottom lip hard and briefly, looks down at her lap before pursing her lips together. "Do the two of you want to give a quick shoutout in case he's watching?"

Nick says a polite 'Happy Birthday' and then all eyes turn to y/n. She closes her eyes momentarily and she opens them as she lifts her head up and smiles politely. "Happy Birthday, Shawn! I hope you actually remember this one," she says that line with biting sarcasm and a hint of shade.

There's a twinge of old guilt that flares up in his heart at her words. He's apologized for that and she accepted it. She's clearly just upset that everyone keeps bringing him up. James notices the ice in her remark.

"I would say that it's getting hot in here but clearly you have enough shade to keep us all cool," he jokes and she laughs at her own pettiness. "I have been meaning to ask...what happened between the two of you? You haven't been seen together since the week the music videos released and your interaction on Insta has been nothing but crickets...pun intended, y/n," he chuckles. "Did you have a falling out or?"

She flips some hair off of her shoulder and slightly leans into Nick for support. He tightens his hand around her shoulder and it makes Shawn sick. He's supposed to be the one giving her support in interviews, not be the reason that she needs it from another guy.

"No...we didn't have a falling out," she lies. "I know that comment might have seemed like we're on the outs but the truth is..." she shrugs dismissively and if you look closely you can see the sadness in her eyes. Her eyes flicker to the camera momentarily as her fingers play with the word on her necklace anxiously.

"People get careers and they don't always have time for each other and they grow apart. With both of us having time-consuming ones like being a rock star...” she smiles wistfully to herself as she continues, “or following celebrities around the globe...it's doubly hard to make time for each other. It's sad but it happens," she explains. "But, I still love him and I'll always be his biggest fan no matter where either of us is. Shawn, I wish you all the best and know that I'm always rooting for you," she finishes as she looks at the camera.

Shawn smiles sadly as he listens to her words. Her words sounded practiced at the beginning. But as they progressed, he could see the struggle in her eyes under the shine of the tears that want to drip. She blinks to conceal them but that doesn't stop Shawn from seeing how much pain she's really in. The softest quiver in her voice when she said she still loves him struck something inside of him.

He wants to hope that she was trying to say that she wants him back. But, she has Nick. So, Shawn turns the TV off and goes to his room. He takes his ring off and tosses it on the dresser as he always does before going to bed. But, this time it bounced too far and slid between the wall and the dresser.

Sighing, he walks over and pulls it away from the wall slightly. When he reaches down to feel for his ring, he also finds a hard plastic case. He retrieves them both and looks at the cracked case under his lamp. His heart begins pounding in his chest as he sees the familiar handwriting on the CD inside.

For Shawn,

With Love, Your Muse

He immediately grabs his laptop and puts it in before waiting anxiously as it loads. After a few agonizing minutes, the window pops up and he clicks play while turning up the volume all the way. Within the first two strums of the guitar, he knows exactly what song it is. Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur. She always joked that that could be their song because of how he took care of her the night they met.

Shawn's heart beats heavily as he watches the video. It's clearly her handiwork. The pictures and small clips tell a story. Their story. Or more of her perspective of the relationship. What Shawn could tell from the way she edited it was that she was in awe of him. And also that she was insecure at first before he opened her up.

From that very first night all the way up to including some from her last week in Toronto. It started out mostly of just pictures she took of him when he was asleep or not looking or screenshots of his snaps. Then as they got closer, there were video messages from Shawn, clips of him talking about her...the works. Then when the summer festivals came there were more pics and vids of the two of them having fun. Falling in love.

He felt the tears form in his eyes and he didn't try to stop them as they rolled down his cheeks. How could he have been so blind? She loved him back the whole time. She was just afraid that something exactly like what he did would happen. The last few videos and pictures were from the music videos and her week with him and his family. Some of the pictures were when they both weren't looking and he knows that Aaliyah took them. She looked so happy and at home with him.

The video began to fade to black. As the last ten seconds of the song played, a small note from her was displayed. He paused it so he could read it.

No more hiding. Not from you, not from the world, and not from myself. I am completely and stupidly in love with you, Shawn Mendes. Please, don't make me regret it.

His heart literally stopped in his chest for a few seconds. She must've been working on this before the interview happened. The case is cracked and was behind his dresser. He assumes she threw it and forgot about it.

His mind races as it tries to put together the puzzle pieces that are her. The video...the Euterpe necklace...the questions she wouldn't answer in interviews...the shirt from one of their dates...Nick letting her not answer that question...what she said for his birthday just now...click.

She hasn't moved on. She's still in love with him! Which means that there's a chance he can still get her back. He just has to act quickly before she and Nick become permanent. He already has the perfect plan forming in his head and he'll be sure to work out the exact details on his flight.

Within a few days, he arrives at the Sunset Hotel. He walks up to the front desk to find Xander scrutinizing a log book. Shawn clears his throat and he looks up as his shoulders jump.

"God! You have to stop showing up unannounced like this," he says. Though he clutches his heart in surprise, his tone doesn't suggest any actual contempt for Shawn.

Shawn shrugs as he moves closer and leans his elbows on the desk. "I can still get her back," he announces with determination.

"Wow, straight to the point. No small talk...no 'hi, Xander. How have you been?'...nothing," Xander teases.

He sighs in return. "I'm on a schedule. I can only get her back if I move fast. So are you gonna help me or not? Your input is vital," he reiterates.

"Shawn," he sighs, "I told you I'm not playing wingman for you anymore..."

Shawn is about to argue when a voice catches both of their attention. "I'll help." They both turn to find Anna standing there shyly.

"Really?" Shawn's eyebrows shoot up and she nods. "You hate me, though. You never wanted me to be with her," he reminds her.

She shrugs with a look of shame. "Yeah, but I hurt her far more than you did. I know that she still loves you so I want to help. I want her to be happy," she says quietly.

"Okay, thank you," he answered. "Xander, if Anna is on board then surely you can help too?"

Anna nods and they both look at him with pleading eyes. "Don't make me regret this, Mendes," he conceded. "You either, Anna."

They both cheer silently as they all lean in together for the details of his plan. "Okay, so first things first...I need all the footage and photos of y/n that you can find. I'm talking baby photos and home videos straight up until as recent as you can get...steal them from her Insta page if you have to," he instructs.

"What are you gonna do?" Anna asks curiously.

He takes a deep breath as he runs his hand through his curls anxiously. "I have to make a couple calls to get a few more people on board...hopefully they say yes."

"And if they don't?" Xander ponders out loud.

Shawn shrugs as a look of urgency crosses his face. "They have to. The plan doesn't work without them," he admits.

As they break to do their respective tasks, Xander lets Shawn stay in y/n's room to make the calls. A few hours later, he has everyone on board except for one. The phone rings as Shawn paces her room waiting for the last piece of the puzzle to pick up.

It finally stops ringing as someone answers, "Hello, this is Hailee's phone." Shawn's breath catches at the voice he hasn't heard in person for months. "Hello?" She asks again as if maybe he couldn't hear her.

"Uh...yes, is Hailee available?" He asks, slightly lowering his voice in an attempt to disguise it.

There's a pause. "No...she's doing a soundcheck right now. Who is this?"

He clears his throat before sighing. "It's...Shawn..."

"Why didn't you just say so," she responds, her voice less enthusiastic than before.

"I didn't want to upset you...I didn't think you'd answer Hailee's phone," he says honestly.

Silence fills the line. "Y/n? Listen, I can call back-"

Something shifts around the microphone as if the phone is being moved and then it clears up with a new out of breath voice. "Hey, Shawn. It's Hailee, what's up?"

“Hailee? Is that you?” He double-checks.

She lets out a small laugh. “Yes...y/n said you were on the phone so I took a five. This is Shawn...right?” She giggles nonchalantly.

“Yes! Sorry, I’m just a little caught off guard...” he explains.

“Why would you be caught off-guard? You called me, remember?”

He sighs. “Right. I did do that. I just wasn’t expecting y/n to pick up your phone-“

“Did you need something or not?” She asks slightly irritated that he interrupted soundcheck to ask about her.

He clears his throat. “I did. I need your help to get y/n back,” he says determinately.

She scoffs. “Why the hell would I help you do that? I saw what you said in that interview...plus she’s happy now! Why on this Earth would I help you rip her away from that?”

“Because you know just as well as I do that she may be happy with Nick, but she doesn’t love him,” he answers. There’s a long pause on her end so Shawn continues. “You and I both know the brave and strong front she puts up. She looks happy and together...but she’s not. Nick is nothing but a distraction-“

She interrupts him frustratedly, “Enough, Shawn! Jeez...you’re wrong. She is happy with him. Maybe even precisely for the fact that he isn’t you. And you just can’t stand that you’re not the one who does it anymore-“

“Hailee, I would bet you everything I have including my life that if you look at her closely...you’ll see it. Pay attention to what she wears, what she says...what she does. Because I saw her interview a few days ago. She’s miserable. And so am I...so just...watch her and if you don’t see it then fine. But the plan doesn’t work without you,” he pleads.

She swallows the lump in her throat from his words. Was she really so willing to believe that her best friend was magically okay overnight? And that she had gotten over Shawn that quickly? It’s naive but she’s unwilling to admit that he deserves her back.

“My five minutes are up...see you around, Shawn,” she sighs as she hangs up the phone.

Shawn’s grip tightens on the phone but he wills himself to have hope. Hailee loves her. She will look out for the signs and when she sees them...it’s only a matter of time.

First P.O.V.

In the blink of an eye, the end of August finally arrives and Nick has to go back to LA to finish the movie he started. It’s our last day together, which Hailee gave me permission to take the day off of work for. So, we decided to walk around Las Vegas and be silly tourists together.

The whole day was amazing and it couldn’t have been more perfect. As the hours ticked closer to the time that he’d have to leave, I could feel myself dragging my feet. At the hotel, I watched as he rounded up all of his stuff that was intermingled with mine.

“Do you have to go right now?” I whine like a child.

He chuckles as he walks over and pulls me off the bed into one of his amazing hugs. “Sorry, babe. But, yes. If we want the movie to premiere next year, we gotta finish it by Christmas,” he mumbles into my hair.

“I know. I know. But, I’ll see you in LA for my birthday right?” I say as I nuzzle my head further into his chest and smell his intoxicating cologne.

He pulls away and retrieves something from his bag as he replies, “Actually...I wanted to give you your present early. That way you can wear it on the occasion.” He smiles that goofy lopsided smile that makes me melt.

My eyes widen as he holds out a velvet rectangular box. As my fingers click the lid open, my mouth parts in awe. “Nick...it’s beautiful...” I whisper.

The inside of the box displays a dainty silver chain that is home to a small ruby heart. “Please tell me this wasn’t expensive...” I warn him.

“Well, I can’t lie to you so I won’t say anything...” he teases. I playfully push at his chest before my awed expression dulls. “What’s wrong?” He says, the small smile never leaving his features.

I try to find the words, but I can’t. Or I can. I just don’t want to. I look at my feet in guilt as my fingers do what they always do when I’m nervous. They trace the letters on my necklace that hasn’t left my neck for any longer than a shower.

“Oh,” I can hear the slight disappointment in his voice. “It’s a good thing I kept the receipt...” he tries to joke.

I look up at him with eyes glistening. “I’m so sorry, Nick...” I begin but he shakes he shrugs his shoulder as he waves his hand dismissively.

“It’s fine, y/n. It really is,” he tries to downplay the hurt in his voice.

Grabbing his hand, I squeeze it and his puppy dog eyes meet mine. “It’s not fine. I tried to let go...I really did. You make me so so happy, but-“

“But, you don’t love me. You love him,” he finishes.

I nod as a tear escapes and leaves a warm trail down my cheek. “I really wanted to be with you...because you are the most amazing guy I’ve ever known...there’s just...something about being with Shawn that’s...different,” I explain with a wavering voice. “And I wish I didn’t...” I shake my head as more tears flow, “but, I love him. And I never stopped.”

Guilt and shame wash over me. I should’ve never agreed to use him. He deserves more than that. I let my gaze fall to the floor as I cry. I expect him to just walk out the door. But, he doesn’t. Instead, he wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head soothingly.

“I knew when we started this that there was a possibility you’d go back to him. I don’t blame you for anything,” he assures me. “But, I’m glad I got to be with you for the time that I did. I don’t regret it and neither should you.”

I look up at him as I sniffle. How can he be so gracious about this? Before I can say anything else, he delicately places his lips on mine. They linger, just barely pressing against mine as I feel the warmth from him. As he parts from me, my breath staggers just a moment. Then, he places an even longer kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes and try to contain my sadness, replacing it with all the happiness I had because of him.

His lips leave my skin and I keep my eyes closed as I hear him gather his things. My breathing picks up in a jagged pace and soon I hear the door close. I clamp my hand over my mouth as I open my eyes and find him gone. It was the right thing to do. That’s what I keep telling myself as I make my way back to the tour bus.

As soon as I enter, Hailee takes notice of my state. “Aw honey. It’s okay...you’ll see him in October...” she soothes as she hugs me.

“No,” I shake my head as I wipe at my eyes. “We broke up...”

She audibly gasps as she looks at me with worried eyes. “Why?? You guys were so happy!”

I flop down on the bed and hug a pillow. “Because I’m still in love with Shawn, and it’s wrong to keep using Nick like that,” I confess.

“Bu...” She silences herself as her brows knit together. “I have to go make a call real quick...will you be okay for like five minutes?”

I nod silently and she leaves. I’m so lost in my own despair that my brain didn’t register her strange behavior. In the following months, I still didn’t pick up on all her sketchy mannerisms. Making secret phone calls, not letting me answer her phone anymore...October rolled around and it got even worse.

We were trying to prepare for her LA show and she just kept being more and more secretive. Disappearing and acting jumpy. I chalked it up to the fact that my birthday coincided with her show and maybe she was planning a surprise for it. Someone should have told her that I usually hate them.

It’s the day of the LA show (also my 23rd birthday) and I’m running around making sure all of the photographers and camera crew have their assignments. This show is an important one because it’s the last one of the tour, so the show is going to be next level amazing.

Hailee bumps into me as I round a corner. “Oh! Hey, I was just looking for you!” She exclaims. I barely look up from my clipboard as I hum in acknowledgment. She snatches it from my grasp.

“Hey! I was just finishing that list for the show!”

She gives me a knowing smirk. “Delegation is a thing that’s allowed, ya know,” she informs me. I open my mouth to counter but she continues. “And before you argue, that’s not a request. Let someone else finish the list while you get changed and relax a little,” she demands politely.

“Why would I need to change?” I quirk my eyebrows in suspicion.

She looks up innocently. “No reason...just put on something nice! Now, hurry!!”

Groaning, I turn around and walk to the dressing room to do as she says. I find a black satin dress with a light purple flower print on it. The thin straps create an apron neckline and it’s backless, while the hem goes to my mid-thigh. I match it with a pair of black heels that have straps that criss-cross around my calves.

I do simple makeup and my hair is still wavy from earlier today when I curled it. Annoyed, I walk back out to the side of the stage where Hailee has begun her introduction. I try to grab the clipboard from someone but they tell me Hailee said I’m not allowed to have it.

I cross my arms as I watch her pump up the crowd. “I’m glad y’all are having a great time!! Before we get started...” I hear her say and my attention snaps toward the stage. She looks at me and I shake my head vigorously. “It’s someone’s birthday!! Let’s all welcome her out onto the stage for her surprise!”

With no other choice because of how loud the crowd has gotten, I stride over to Hailee. “This better not be anything extravagant,” I warn under my breath before smiling and waving to the crowd.

“So some of us, her friends, have put together a birthday video for you! You’re gonna sit here and watch the screen and we have a special guest coming in to perform a couple of songs to open for my show!” She cheers.

I roll my eyes and press two fingers to my temple. She holds the mic in front of me and I take it. “Well, then. Let’s get started! We’re on a tight schedule,” I chuckle.

“Roll the clip!” She shouts as she takes the mic away from me and stands offstage. Someone brings out a chair for me to sit on to watch the screen that comes down at the back of the stage.

Everyone goes quiet in anticipation as the lights dim so the screen can be seen more clearly. I twiddle my thumbs in an anxious manner as the screen finally lights up. A smile comes to my lips as a picture of me as a newborn in the hospital comes up. In the background, I can hear someone playing a very slow rendition of Happy Birthday on the piano.

The picture glides away and is replaced with a collage of baby photos and home videos that keep progressing in age. I giggle at some silly ones and my eyes start to water from nostalgia. The song begins coming to an end as the pictures shift into me at age 20. I clap and stand up as I think the video is over because the song is. But, Hailee points at the seat as an indication that it’s not.

My brows knit together as a guitar starts playing while the video leads up to me turning 21. The song sounds extremely familiar but I can’t place it. Not to mention it sounds way clearer than if it were on the screen. After about 25 seconds of strumming, a voice begins to accompany the guitar and the screen displays pictures and clips from my 21st birthday on. Starting with the Insta vid that Shawn took of me that morning.

Oh my god. My worried eyes flash to Hailee and I can see her holding her clasped hands in front of her lips in anticipation. I knew that I knew the song. Of course, it was one of Shawn’s. It was hard to place because it’s never been on an album. He only plays it live: She’ll Be the One. My heart is having trouble beating as I watch the screen.

All the photos and videos from the karaoke bar, the selfies we took later that night...the ones from the diner and so on. The lyrics of the song get to, “But, how can I not try...” and my muffled ears hear the crowd go nuts. I turn to the other side of the stage. Oh my god.

Shawn slowly walks out, playing the guitar and singing into a mic hooked around his ear. Immediately, my breathing flutters irregularly and my skin shivers. I turn back to the screen, trying to find a normal breathing rate, but he walks until he’s right next to me and gets on his knees in front of me. The crowd is going wild as he continues the song but I focus my stare on the video.

It was getting into pictures that he took of me, ones I usually didn’t notice. At the Grammys...his album release party...the summer festivals...and all the snaps in between that he saved. I clench my jaw and press my lips in a hard line in an attempt to not react, but he’s right in front of me.

This isn’t what I was expecting. Yeah, I’m still in love with him. But, who the hell is he to come out here and make a public spectacle of his apology? I’m not ready for this. I can’t even react right now. The drums and electric guitar kick in and I get the same quake in my heart that I always do when I hear it. He stands up and moves to a mic stand as the song ends. Oh, but he’s not finished yet.

I send a hard glare toward Hailee, but she doesn’t seem to mind. He begins playing an electric guitar and I have to fight the smirk that wants to appear. I shake my head and pointedly look at the screen because I can feel his eyes watching me as he begins singing. This fucker thinks he’s clever. What song did he pick to win me back? Ruin.

It fits perfectly with the video as it goes into all of our secret coupley photos and videos...and then behind the scenes footage of the music vids...the weekend of the Grammys when I was sick...our week in Toronto with his family. The middle of the song hits and it’s accompanied by a silent clip of the interview that made me leave. I hear the slight waver in his voice as my time with Nick comes onscreen.

I venture a small glance in his direction. Sure enough, his eyes have never left me. I feel the hard lump forming in my throat and it’s as if I’m reliving losing him all over again. I’m not the only one. His eyes are shining as the light hits the tears in them. The bridge begins and the crowd is chanting the lyrics with him. It’s a haunting experience.

As I continue watching him instead of the screen, I see the seriousness and passion in his eyes. The veins in his neck and arms protrude as he literally sings his heart out to me. I slowly stand up and take a few small steps toward him as the song winds down. His eyebrows furrow curiously at me and I swallow as I take a steadying breath.

“Not tryna ruin your happiness at all...” he beautifully sings the last lyric and the venue goes deadly silent. He hands the guitar to someone and takes the mic off the stand, making his way to stand a foot away from me.

My lip trembles as I breathe unsteadily. I can feel my eyes glossing with warm tears that want to drip. He slowly brings the mic to his lips as he holds my gaze. His breath is heavy from singing and he swallows dryly. Just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me more...

“I’m done hiding you from the world. I am completely and stupidly in love with you, y/n y/l/n. Please, take me back...” he begs. His deep brown eyes search mine intensely. I haven’t seen them up close in so long.

My mouth falls open as I choke on the breath I was holding. The entire venue loses their minds. I can’t believe he just confessed his love for me in front of everyone here. This will definitely end up on YouTube, so probably the entire world will see it.

I stutter as I try to respond with something. Anything. But, I feel the speed of my breathing accelerate while my heart pounds furiously. I don’t know what else to do, so I turn around and run. Running certainly isn’t going to help my breathing but it’ll help me get away from that situation.

I can hear Hailee awkwardly take over the stage and begin her set. I’m not even sure where I’m running to. At some point, I shed my shoes and grab my purse as I call an Uber quickly. It arrives as soon as I’m out on the street and I slide in, slamming the door quickly.

Everything is just too much, so I tell the driver to take me to the one place where I know my mind can slow down.

Third P.O.V.

Shawn hurries after her offstage, but she’s quicker than he thought she could be in heels. He finally finds them discarded in the dressing room and her purse is gone. His hand grips the roots of his chocolate curls worriedly. It’s late and she shouldn’t be out on the streets by herself.

He can’t do anything but think about the look on her face when she saw him. Surprise mostly. A little bit of pain. But, the rest was confusion. He knows he has a lot to explain and apologize for. Maybe he should’ve thought through the public romantic gesture a little more, but his heart was in the right place.

Hours go by as he looks for her everywhere he can think of. The entire night has past and he’s exhausted. Not from the lack of sleep, but the lack of not knowing if she’s okay. She’s not from here, so there’re only so many places she can go...and then it dawns on him.

It doesn’t take long for him to get an Uber to the last resort guess at where she would be. As he gets out and makes his way down toward the waves, he releases a breath. The small silhouette of her hugging her knees to her chest is illuminated by the tip of light from the rising sun.

Shawn takes off his shoes and slowly walks toward her, feeling the sand in between his toes. Before he reaches her, she stands up and stretches her arms out by her sides. Her fingers dance through the wind as she tilts her head back and soaks in her surroundings. He can’t help but take a picture.

He speaks softly as he approaches her, “I’m glad this part of you hasn’t changed.”

“I knew you’d find me,” she states simply as she lowers her arms and sneaks a glance at him.

He comes to a stop facing her at a respectful distance. “Is that so?” She nods, a tiny glimmer of a smile on the corner of her lip. “I can leave you alone if you’d like,” he offers.

“I think I’ve been alone enough already,” she sighs as she turns and looks up at him. He admires the way the rising sun shimmers off her skin. She admires the way the shadows of the previous night outline his statuesque features.

They stand like that a moment, gauging each other. And then Shawn breaks the silence, “I’m sorry. For everything. For the interview...for not coming after you immediately...for putting you on the spot like that...especially when I know you’re with Nick and I don’t want to be a bad-“

“I’m not,” she corrects him.

He stares at her with a quizzical look. “Not what?”

She releases a puff of air from her nose in a silent scoff. “I’m not with Nick. We broke up in August,” she informs him.

“You...I mean...why?” He stammers.

She closes the distance a bit before replying, “Why do you think?” She asks rhetorically. Shawn dares to let his features light up the tiniest bit. “You’re really gonna make me say it?”

“Mhm,” he hums as he pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. He gazes intently into her eyes. There’s so much she can see in them. The hope, the adoration, the love, but also a tiny bit of fear. Like if he didn’t make her say it then she would slip through his fingers again.

She notices how his eyes try their hardest to not look at her lips, but she has no qualms about her gaze flicking to his as she licks hers. “Shawn Mendes,” she begins teasingly, “I am in love wi-“

That’s all she can manage to say before Shawn is grabbing her by the small of her back with one hand and pulling her flush against him as his other hand finds its home just past her jaw and under her ear. His lips connect with hers and she’d expected it to be fervent after so long apart but it wasn’t.

It was the opposite. It was tender and slow. Almost as if he pressed too much that her delicate lips would shatter beneath him. It filled her up with warmth nonetheless. The kind of warmth that spread to her toes on that chilly October morning with the wind nipping their noses.

But neither of them moved. Her hands had reacquainted themselves with his neck and the roots of his hair easily. He didn’t want to break her, but she had been hollow these past few months. While he tried, Nick couldn’t fill the hole that was meant for Shawn’s touch. And now that she finally has the smallest taste of him, it isn’t enough.

She pulls him against her further, as if it were possible. And each tug of his curls tightens his grip on her skin. She deepens the kiss by swiping her tongue along his delicious lips and he eagerly responds. Soft moans and slight giggles escape their mouths and dance in the air between them as they continue to act as if they’re the only ones in the world.

And so they stood like that, drinking each other in after months of being in the desert while the sun finally rose over the horizon.

Tag List: @imagine-that-100 @hufflepuffshawn @luke2k18 @thewhinersoldier

58 notes · View notes

mycosmicbackyard · 7 years ago

Text

Looking back at 2017

Warning: if you don’t like to see me boasting about the poetry I am proud of, please don’t read. I don’t like to boast but as it is the end of 2017 and I HAVE done a great job this whole year with everything that’s happened - I want to boast. Just for this post - ok?

As I sit here with my unfinished Christmas Calendar (which I am very proud of), I’ll try to look at my year, how it has been, and to summarize the things I am happy with, as well as the things I could do differently. (Yes, I am finishing the Christmas Calendar - still fighting on!)

I have to see everything in a family-perspective. After all, I am a mother of three, the youngest one being a foster-child and in very need of tight routines and safety.

January was our first month here in this house, in my home country. Moving last year, 22nd December 2016, we have now only been here one year. It has been a lot of work stabilizing the family, the foster-child and creating routines. This was the first of those months, and everything was as I remember a complete chaos. Tried to keep my blog active and well, and this month I asked for requests. Looking back at my archive I see some things that I am very pleased with: “My second, third and fourth birth” - after request from @sonador-reveur “Galactic Memories” (no request) “Do not mock the pain you have not endured / The boy with sandals.” request from @think-of-it And this: “A lucky Star Traveler” - was a very very special poem indeed, in memory of Leonard Nimoy, and I will tell you what was so special about it in a minute.

Some things that I am not so happy with is my Poetry Calendar that I didn’t complete and this kind of irritates me. I also announced that my Poetry Book would be out in 2017 - that has not happened. But I have been writing on it, though. And that thousand-year-old guide is there, @just-4-thought !

February I was very tired of all those requests that I felt I had to do in such a short time while I tried to keep the house in some type of order. I also worked with the sorrow of a broken dream - the reason of why we moved back in the first place. I kind of felt empty and it was so many things that needed to be done.

Of course, I should have been taking better care of myself. I should have realized that I shouldn’t ask for requests and all that. But that’s just how I am. I try to be better now, though.

Some things that I am very pleased with from February is the start of my #Please Hijack-series - which I really love!

I am also pleased that I made a Chocolate Competition to show off Norway’s wonderful Freia Chocolate - and my dearest @just-4-thought won. (Random generator, I promise). First, another guy won, but he deactivated his blog before I picked him as a winner, so I never got to send it to him.

Some things I am very proud of that I made in February:

My standout must be The Secret of The Ancient Maze. Pretty proud of that!

This Lady had a silver Chalice (Ok, reblogged from Nov’16 but nevertheless)

Enchantment My Very First Sonnet, Your Truth in Silk (damn, I love this!) The Darkness - answer (this was really fun, thank you @aniketadeptinmacabre I love to write like that!!!)

My Wall <3 no poetry but very cute!

And MOST OF ALL my #psvalentine from @poeticstories - the most beautiful poem ever written to me - made my @midnite-ride (deactivated):

In Your Mirror. - Wherever you are - thank you. It still means so much to me!

At last, I want to mention the audio made by midnite-ride of “Lucky Star Traveler” - that audio came to me on an early morning when I went to work - and the tears just appeared, and I just stood there, crying, feeling that cosmos can indeed - answer back. This is why this poem is so special to me. March I felt I started to wake up: spring, new beginnings, and breath!

I had a new round of requests this month. The pieces I am the proudest of, are:

Yes, too much knowledge may destroy you (reblogged from February, oh well!) a request from @dreamcatcher-777

“This Space Portal” (request by @just-4-thought )

“The Starshaper” (I may need to edit this a bit, but I love most of it!)

“With my Blue Dragon.”

I am also delighted with The Ice Queen’s Daughter and the start of that series. It has been developing inside of my mind for almost a year now, and it feels good - I know where it’s going, and I like that.

I am NOT happy with Dearest Astronaut - it just didn’t come out as I wanted it to. I’m gonna give it a new try, I think.

April I was pretty tired and exhausted. I also started to write on my book(s) in March so it was just too much.

I am though profoundly proud of A traveler’s tale.

May was also a more quiet month. I am though proud of “The tree dressed in diamonds” and my ability to never give up. I wrote 20 000 words in the draft of the Fantasy-Fiction book. I remember struggling with some problems on here, being afraid of socializing here, although I did socialize, I have a strange way of showing my uncertainty.

June was the month when I finished my draft of the book. Looking back at it now - after test readers and some process - it was not finished at all. But, I was very proud, and it was the very first step to make a story. After I started editing it (after summer vacation because I waited for the replies), I found it to be much much better. And now I am building the world - it is going to be a great book (series) that I want to be proud of for real - like for the rest of my life.

I do like “The three great human puzzles, merged in Poetry.” I am very proud of that!

July - Oh my! Camping with my family and three kids, such a job, and also trying to get the ends meet by working, I traveled to many parties to be an interpreter, I was so tired and exhausted because of that.

I did make some great stuff, though. I also had an ask game going on. :)

I am proud of:

“The Space Between Spaces”

“Your Golden map drawn in lines of emeralds”

“The sublime Goddess” (I LOVE this!)

“Says the lady with the peaceful braids” is not something that I made this month, but in March, I think. I remember the happening so vividly when I read this poem!

My very first YouTube-Poem - The Tree of Life. Of course, I am proud of that!!!

What I could have done better: I remember being quite depressive this month. I wish I believed more in myself. But I am proud nevertheless.

August I cannot remember anything else than being really tired this month. I did get my feedback this month in the book, and it was tough. I started to work on the editing. Still working on that.

Made the second YouTube Poetry Video Crystal Cave and I love this poem - the way it turns out is really great <3

The Please Hijack #2 also came out this month.

In September my husband was at the hospital, and it was a hard time for me to write poetry. The words just stuck, I found it hard to produce anything!

I do, however like Recipe: Humanistic Joy

And I love “With a golden bone in her teeth” (request by @poetrex )

And the spilled ink “Look, I see you.”

Your own Cosmic Frequency Station

I am not that pleased with the amount of activity on this blog the past months. I know why - because of the writing of the book(s), but I also know it is because I am too hard on myself, that I need to prioritize (believe me I’m much better now) so this will be better. I also see that I actually love to be active here. I love to do this blog.

Something that really made me happy was that I got to be with @sarahmariepardy ‘s Blog Spotlight for September 2017. This meant a lot to me, I used this as a reminder of being positive when visiting my husband at the hospital, taking care of the children and generally being too exhausted.

October stands out to me as an excellent month - I made a Halloween-special! Every other day I published some Halloween Poetry and the other days I reblogged something to make it Halloweenish. I loved that month. To be active every day and to produce poetry.

I am proud of The Cosmic Clock at Bay, and I love the way it turned out.

I also love “Cosmic Pumpkin Lamps.”

I love the idea behind “ Excerpt from “The Study of myth, mythical creatures and how they came to Earth (Not to mention the real myth behind the demystified myths of Earth).” I LOVE to do these!!!

And although there are many poems I would like to mention from this month I do love this: “In Seventh Hour,” made on YouTube. It is something about making poetry in this process while filming and talking and, yes. I love that.

Oh, I have to mention “Don’t try to kill an undead” - haha! My Love <3

November - Now you see I start to believe in myself. No, I haven’t made a book yet, or anything like that but something happens inside of me, and I feel like continuing my video path by participating in NaNoWriMo, using this as a tool of continuing the work of my book. This doesn’t go well, job and family and all I have to tend to is just too much, and I have to discontinue the videos. But I did make some! And I got even better with filming and video editing although I am still very shy on camera.

Proud piece of the month: “An Open Collective Question.”

December - we are back to today! Christmas celebrations are over (thankfully, I am completely exhausted, just imagine three kids opening presents) I have also had my birthday (Thank you for all beautiful wishes!! ^^), and I have worked on my Christmas Calendar - which is - not finished! I also tried to make something on YouTube, but you know, I didn’t learn my lesson, it was way too much.

But I am very very proud of my Christmas Calendar this year, and it WILL be finished at least at number 24 (now at 15) even though too late. The reason, by the way, is: really really exhausted this month and last month.

Summary:

This was indeed a long “Year in review 2017″, and if you have read this far, I am honestly grateful for sticking with me this long. My biggest wish for 2018 is finishing my very first Poetry Book and also to work a lot with my Fantasy-Fiction. I also really want to be a lot active here, like really producing and giving you much much much poetry and prose. I feel I’m getting better at the English prose part as well. I want to produce, make my life about poetry (although I have to start study for a new career autumn ‘18) and just ... write.

Thank you for sticking with me, for following (if you do), and if you ever need me, I am here in my Backyard for you. ^^

Special, very special thanks to:

@sarahmariepardy for always supporting me, doing a great job @just-4-thought is awesome and a great writer!! @abstractdevelopment (for awesome, inspiring poetry!!!) @behind-the-sun for breathtaking poetry and good conversations! @shafath for a great friendship! @sonador-reveur for just being you-you are awesome! @poetrex for being a good good friend as well as full of humor! @itty-bitty-emi for being a wonderful person! @lzlabseesu for always seeing!! @thealchemicalpoet for great poetry And so many more that I cannot remember now but who will come into my mind whenever my mind is up-to-date. I am really grateful for being here, and for having this great community <3

#writerscreed #poetryportal #poets on tumblr #writing #my writing #spilled ink #year in review #year in review 2017 #my year 2017 #poetry blog

38 notes · View notes

everlastingrandom-art · 7 years ago

Note

Hey Random can I ask you a question? What happened with goddess-of-change?

Okay so like, I’ve comprised a timeline of just what has been going on over the course of the year. I am ONLY talking about the Mettaton stuff because it’s most relevant to me. I’m gonna use posts as sources since those are public.

May 5, 2017: I first notice her when get an ask from her.

May 11, 2017: I notice more comments that have been made on my previous posts. A lot of them are kinda judgmental.

July 11, 2017: The people who make papyton stuff are pretty tight knit. By this point more people I know have noticed her. She comments on a comic page made by @ask-papyandmetta

July 12, 2017: She gets into this argument with @the-great-papyroo. She gets into this argument with @bigfanofpuns about what happened with @the-great-papyroo. I make a response and Goddess makes a “promise” that she will stop commenting negatively on other people’s posts.

Aug 11, 2017: Comments x

Aug 19, 2017: Comments x

Aug 20, 2017: She gets into this argument with @mtt-metal-crusher, while still making more comments on posts. @bigfanofpuns @queer–pastry @nonbinary-aigis, @the-great-papyroo and I get involved.

Aug 21, 2017: I made this post saying that people should block her, just to cut the fat on the whole situation. A lot of creators reblog this and block her.

Sept 4, 2017: The blog talesofmetalandmagic is created.

Sept 6, 2017: Goddess claims that her blog is dead and that she will no longer be posting on it.

Sept 7, 2017: Goddess starts posting again.

Between Sept and Oct 2017: Goddess receives a series of anonymous asks, some trying to explain why her actions were negative and encouraging her to produce her own content. Some of them are very hate-filled and antagonistic (WHICH IS AWFUL GUYS, JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MAD AT SOMEONE, THAT DOES NOT JUSTIFY ANON HATE >:V) Most of this time is spent rebutting arguments.

Oct 23, 2017: Up until this point the comments made by talesofmetalandmagic range from positive to fairly harmless. But tiny cracks in the facade begin to show.

Oct 29, 2017: The cracks kind of turn into a gaping hole.

Nov 21, 2017: The hole turns into a f*cking chasm.

Dec 2, 2017: Goddess gets into this argument with @kyriefortune about MTT, economics, and theology.

Dec 21, 2017: By this point talesofmetalandmagic has moved most of their focus from undertale to cuphead, but most of her habits remain to show that she really hasn’t changed.

#This pretty much sums up her behavior #asktherandom

35 notes · View notes

randomnonsensedragonage · 7 years ago

Text

tagged by @ma-sulevin :D

1) Name/nickname: Rosalie, but I go almost exclusively by “Rosie”

2) Gender: Female

3) Star sign: Virgo

4) Height: 5′2″

5) Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

6) Favourite animal: Idk… cats? cuttlefish?

7) Hours of sleep: I need somewhere between 8-10, but I often get more like 6-7

8) Dogs or cats: Both

9) Number of blankets: About three when it’s cold, but even when it’s hot I like to at least have a sheet. I don’t like feelin’ exposed.

10) Dream trip: China and Hong Kong, or maybe more of Europe (I’ve been to England and France only)

11) Dream job: Full time writer

12) Time: It was 12:37pm when I started this post, but I had to stop so now it’s 3:05

13) Birthday: August 23rd

14) Favorite Bands: Radwimps, The Decemberists, They Might Be Giants, The Swell Season, Hey Marseilles, Florence + the Machine

15) Favorite Solo Artists: Regina Spektor, Andrew Bird, Carly Rae Jepson, Kate Nash

16) Song Stuck In My Head: “The Best Ever Death Metal Band In Denton” by The Mountain Goats (Because of the “I Only Listen to the Mountain Goats” podcast)

17) Last Movie I Watched: Blade Runner 2049 (I’m in the “liked it” camp)

18) Last Show I Watched: Dear White People

19) When Did I Create my blog: Oh gosh I need to check… July 2016, it seems

20) What Do I Post/Reblog: Since this is my Dragon Age sideblog, I try to stick to DA stuff only, mostly fanart and fanfics I like, my own fanfics and bad fanart, and occasional personal posts (though I guess I try to keep those kind of DA-related too)

21) Last Thing I Googled: According to my internet history it was research for my most recent fanfic (specifically info about the “All That Remains” quest from DA2 because I couldn’t remember anything about it ^^;)

22) Other Blogs: My only other blog is my main blog @b1narysol0 which… is an unfocused mess, tbh. I guess I just use that one as my “home base” on Tumblr or whatever ^^;

23) Do I Get Asks: I get them more than I used to now that I have more followers, but usually only when I post an ask meme at the right time of day.

24) Why I Chose My URL: Back when I was first getting into DA, I made some wry comment on my AO3 profile about my Tumblr being “mostly a lot of random nonsense about Dragon Age,” so when I made the sideblog I figured that was where all the “random nonsense” would go. Basically it’s a not very funny in joke with myself.

25) Following: 115

26) Followers: 269 (man… I need to do a giveaway or something…)

27) Lucky Number: 8, because the year I was eight was a really good year for me, and because I just tend to gravitate toward even numbers.

28) Favorite Instrument: I guess I like guitar (one of the few instruments I can sort of play), and piano (the other one)

29) What Am I Wearing: A yellow shirt my brother gave me for my birthday a few years ago, and these shorts I bought in Japan that look like a skirt (with tights because it’s cold)

30) Favorite Food: Salmon in any form

31) Nationality: American

32) Favorite Song: At this very moment, the songs that are most on my mind are “Grand Hotel” by Regina Spektor and “Color in Your Cheeks” by The Mountain Goats (which made me cry today)

33) Last Book Read: The last book I finished was Anne’s House of Dreams, because I’ve randomly decided to finally finish reading the Anne of Green Gables books… and the last book I was technically reading was The Savage Detectives, but I couldn’t get into it so I’ve put it aside for now.

34) Top Three Fictional Universes I’d Like To Join: Harry Potter (since I was 8 years old), His Dark Materials (I want a Daemon!), and… like… wherever the Ghibli films take place? (They’re aesthetically similar enough to count as a universe, right?)

Gonna tag:

@tundrafoot (as usual), @ariannadi, and anyone else who wants to?

#ask meme #answered #about me #ma-sulevin #rosie rants #off topic

3 notes · View notes

codependentsamanddean · 8 years ago

Text

5 years of Supernatural - How it changed my life

I was reading the Family Don’t End With Blood book, and I remembered that this week will be 5 years since I started watching SPN. Yes, I remember the day, it was July 15th, 2012.

I thought that to celebrate this mark, I’d write my own story about how Supernatural has changed my life, inspired by the book. It probably will be long so I understand if you skip it lol.

I was looking for a new show to watch, I was currently following a handful of shows but I wanted something else. I knew about Supernatural because I was already on Tumblr even though I had only a personal blog where I reblogged random stuff and had like 100 followers or less. I saw gifsets from the show here and there, and I remember thinking “this show must be cool. It looks like these brotjhers have a nice bond”. Also, I have been a fan of Jared Padalecki ever since 2004 and I saw him in New York Minute, so it was another reason to try it. To sum it up, I watched 7 seasons (the show had only 7 seasons back then) in one month, and by the end of it I was addicted.

Lemme just say something before I continue. I am that kind of person who becomes obsessed with something only to not give a single shit about it one month later. So I thought that what was gonna happen with SPN as well, I’d fall in love with it but it was gonna go away soon like everything that came before. But that wasn’t what happened.

I got more and more in love with the show and those boys, tjhe story of those brothers. And if I already adored Jared, I started loving him even more, at the same time I got to know who was that gorgeous Jensen Ackles. I learned how special the relationship between them in real life was as well. My tumblr slowly became almost 100% Supernatural, and then one day I saw a blog made to spread the word that Jensen hated Jared. I got so fucking mad reading that, it was the turning point for me. That same day I created a new Tumblr, and the url was j2loveeachother. I wanted to show how the boys actually loved each other very much. I was into the show for about 4 months by then, and I already knew. And little did I know how the decision of making this Tumblr would change so much in my life.

When I entered this place, this fandom, with this blog I felt instantly at home, like I belonged here. I have a lot of internet friends, I made some good friends back in 2008 because we were all fans of an American Idol winner, and we’re still friends to this day, almost 10 years later. So I enjoy meeting people online even though it sucks that most of the times we’re far away.

In the beginning of 2013, a couple of months after making the blog, I was put in the same list as another SPN blog by one of my mutuals, as people who loved Sam. I followed that blog and me and the girl started messaging each other here on Tumblr. That was Karri. in about 10 days we “got married” on tumblr and became “wifeys”, which we still are today. We became close friends, the kind who talk almost everyday about things that go beyond the fandom. Other people were added to the equation and god I met so many amazing people. Some of them are long gone and that makes me sad not knowing what happened to them since they left their blogs behind. But new ones arrived and that’s the beauty of it. How many amazing people I met here, but it was sad that everyone was waaay too distant, specially since I live in Brazil and most people are in the US (Karri in California). I remember thinking, will we ever meet someday?

There was also the matter of going to a convention. I remember vividly one day, after Vegascon 2013, one of my mutuals posted a beautiful J2 op she took with them. I was starting to get familiar with conventions, and I remember looking at that pic and thinking “that is so fucking amazing, but I’ll never ever have that.” The cons were in the US and I am thousands of kilometers away, so no there was no way. And that made me so sad, because I really wanted to go, I wanted to be able to have that experience. I wanted to tell Jared how much I love him, how much he means to me, I wanted to be able to meet him face to face and also Jensen, it was so unfair that I wasn’t able to go if I loved the show and them so fucking much.

In october of 2013, I had a dream. It was like one day after Chicon, a lot of tumblr girls had gone there, and I dreamed that Karri and I were there, and it was pretty amazing. I woke up feeling sad because it wasn’t real, and that night I told Karri this on Skype. I don’t know exactly how it started, but eventually we were like “what if we went to Chicon 2014?” I was gonna start working a couple months after that, I would have some money to go. She hasn’t been to any cons by then as well, so it would be the first time to both of us. We got excited with the prospect, we had one year to make that happen, to be at Chicon in october of 2014. She wanted to put a counter on our blogs right away but I didn’t want to jinx it, we literally had nothing. She did it anyway. I remember going to bed like “that’s almost impossible, I don’t think we’ll be able to pull it off.”

On October 22th of 2014, almost one year after that conversation, I boarded on a plane from São Paulo to Chicago for my first SPN convention. Remember how I wondered if I was ever gonna meet Karri?

remember how I thought, about one and a half year earlier, how I’d never have gorgeous J2 op like that one ever, and how unfair it was?

going to Chicon 2014 was so incredibly important to me for many reasons. I did something I thought I wasn’t gonna be able to, I set up a plan and step by step, I conquered it. I finally attended a SPN convention, which was even more amazing than I imagined. I told Jared in person how much I love him, I got to hug these two man and take this amazing picture, I couldn’t hold back my tears when I found my op among all the others and saw how perfect it was. I finally met Karri in person, which I thought was too hard and we had an amazing time together. I visited Chicago, which was one of my 3 dream cities.

Leaving Illinois was hard. When Karri and I were on the train from Chicago to Rosemont on our last day, to catch our flights on a few hours, I lay my head on her shoulder and cried looking outside the window. I didn’t even know when I’d see her again and I was so incredibly sad it was all coming to an end. I arrived back home exactly one year after the conversation Karri and I had. I remember taking the lanyard out of my suitcase and crying so much. We had done it, and it was too incredible to even put into words.

I thought that was going to be my only con. But later that year I knew that wouldn’t be possible. On New Year of 2015, I told Karri I wanted to attend a con in 2016, and she needed to come with me. We debated a lot where we should go, and I was convinced to go to a city I never imagined visiting, by two friends who I also wanted to meet. So in August of 2016, I boarded another plane to Minneapolis, to attend Minncon 2016. and if at Chicon Karri and I were pretty much by ourselves, at Minncon I met so many other amazing people. People who live across the world and who I would never have met if it wasn’t for this show.

My dream op came true and Jared gave me a piggyback ride:

And I also got to witness firsthand how incredibly human and caring this man is. It was the first time I saw Jared after AKF and all that happened to him in 2015, and this time I went to get his autograph crying bc I was too overwhelmed by all of this, by him, and also because I didnt know if I’d ever see him again. He entwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand, winking at me. My heart melted.

I had a fucking amazing time in Minneapolis. Not only because of the con, also for the people I was there with. On our last night, after the con was over, me and the girls went to the pub right next to our hotel to eat and talk, there was so much laughter and happiness. I knew how much I would miss that while I was still there.

To me, Minncon would be my last con. But a few days after the con, I was still in the US, in NYC in vacation, and Karri began convincing me to go to New Orleans in 2017 for another con, since Heather and some other girls were going to. And how could I say no? How can I stay behind and watch my fav people have fun at a con without me? So in a little more than 3 months, on Oct. 23rd, I’m getting on a plane to New Orleans, to experience all of this again for the third time.

Before I went to Chicon, i was afraid to tell people why I was going to Chicago, I was afraid they’d say it was stupid, a waste of money. But I got so much support it surprised me. Even my boss encouraged me to go when I asked for some days off, I never hid from her where I was going. She started watching SPN this year because of me and now she wants to go too. I know some people may think it’s unecessary to spend all this money to go to conventions for a tv show, specially 3 times when I could have gone to just one, but I don’t care. It’s what makes me happy, I get to spend an amazing time with amazing people this show brought me. And I can’t wait to spend even more amazing moments this year. Because of Supernatural, I got to meet people I would never meet otherwise, and I got to visit places I probably wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the show. Supernatural gave me so much, it literally changed the course of my life.

I also discovered a new talent, I found out I can write stories, after reading so many J2 fanfics I tried to write my own fics, supported by my awesome friends, and now I can write a story that has over 100k words. Not only that, I can write all of that in english. I’m a native portuguese speaker. Supernatural has improved my english skills as well.

I don’t have a sad story to tell, Supernatural didn’t save my life or ended my depression. Thankfully I don’t have those problems. But Supernatural changed my life. Literally. It changed many events that happened after |I started watching it. It introduced me to a whole new world. I have friends on different parts of the world because of it, and now I know it’s not impossible to meet them. Saying goodbye to them is so hard, I have cried my eyes out at airports twice, but as I was hugging Karri goodbye in Minneapolis, we realized it wasn’t the last time we’d see each other. It might take some time, but we can do it. The world is big but with effort, we can get anywhere. So many good memories from the past 5 years happened because of Supernatural, and today I can’t imagine how my life was before that. I made friends, I visited new places, I met my favorite actor in the whole world. All because I decided to watch this show I kept seeing on Tumblr. Even long after the show ends and we’re no longer here, the impact it had on me will remain. I know these friendships will stay, as well as the amazing memories I’ll carry throughout my life. I hope I can tell my kids someday if I have them, how much this simple tv show changed me. And I’m gonna encourage them to go after what they love, like my mom did to me when I first told her, afraid as fuck, that I wanted to go to Chicago (a ten hour flight) *just* for a supernatural convention. And she was like “go for it”. Little did I know a small decision on July 15th of 2012 would have such a huge impact in my life.

Thank you Supernatural for the road so far. And for the road yet to come.

#Lullys rambles #supernatural #personal #I got carried away lol

16 notes · View notes