#and February is a tough month for me because for some reason some of the worst moments of my life always occurred in February

[clairifys]

Prolonged love - Joseph Liebgott x Fem!Reader

Summary: Sometimes the best things in life take a long time, and sometimes life throws you for a loop. It sure threw (Y/n) for a loop when grabbing German POWs in Hagenau turns into her having to babysit a young Dutch girl.

Tw: Swearing, death, reader being trilingual, mentions of war, mentions of concentration camps, mentions of abuse, killing, slightly dirty? not full on smut, reader is female, slight misogyny due to the time period, she/her pronouns

Word count: 6.5k

I do not own Band of Brothers, nor do I own any of the characters. I am not intending to be disrespectful towards any of the people on this show

The Dutch name is pronounced like (Tina-ka) Tineke, and the nickname Tine is pronounced as (Teeny)

I was born in Chicago. My mother was born in Groningen, Netherlands, and my father in Antwerp, Belgium. I was the oldest child, and after me, my parents had five others. Despite having six kids, we were all taught Dutch and German from a young age. The sole reason I was accepted into the military was because of me being trilingual, I’ll forever be grateful to my parents for teaching me their languages. 

February 9, 1945 

Easy Company was on its way to France. We were stationed in Haguenau, which had been taken by the Allies in December. Honestly speaking, I didn’t really know what to expect when we got there. I was sitting in the back of a truck, squished between Babe and Liebgott. Joe had become a close friend way back in Toccoa when he’d fallen running up Currahee, and I stopped and helped him up. We both had our 48-hour weekend passes revoked, but we made the most of it that weekend together. After that, we’d spend our weekend passes together and hang out.

I was leaning against Joe as I’d been almost the whole ride, his arm slung around my shoulders as I read a book that I had found when we invaded Foy. It seemed the Krauts enjoyed good literature as I was reading For Whom the Bell Tolls in German. I was a translator for Easy Company, being able to speak English, German and Dutch, I was a heavy asset to the team. It was a beautifully told story about the Civil War that had some romance aspects while also being brutal. I finished the book twice, and now I was reading it a third time.

“Jesus doll, I think I’ve seen you read that damn book about forty times now. How good can it be?” Joe said when he noticed my attention had strayed.

“Oh it’s a beautifully told story, Joe. Although, I don’t think you could read anything that didn’t have pictures.” I replied jokingly to him, looking up at him from where I was leaning against him. I could hear Babe and Malarkey laughing, and a young soldier, Jackson watching intently. 

“How can you read that, (L/n)?” A quiet voice asked in front of me. It’d been from Jackson. He lied on his documents so that made him 20 right now while I, at 23, was considered young. 

“I can speak and read German. Although my mother is a Dutch immigrant, my father was a Belgium immigrant.” I spoke honestly. Picking up languages was a bit of a gift for me. I’d always been good at remembering and learning languages, probably since I was taught three languages at once from a young age.

“(Y/n)! I’ve read that book! It’s so beautifully written.” A new voice spoke from the opening in the back of the truck, I quickly jolted from Joe’s shoulder, as he groaned from lack of contact, to see who the familiar voice belonged to.

“David Webster? Where the hell have you been?” I interrogated, while simultaneously giving him a toothy smile. He blushed slightly while asking Jackson for a hand to get up on the truck and suddenly Joe spoke up sharply, 

“The hospital. Must’ve liked that hospital Webster, cause uh, we left Holland four months ago.” After saying that he gave Web a dismissive look while tightening his hold on my shoulders. Suddenly, I felt very awkward, and slightly bad for Web - the war was tough and it was understandable to be afraid, it just wasn’t fair that some men snuck out only to get killed or injured more severely than the first time. They started going back and forth, jabbing at Webster passively, although it didn’t seem to be because they didn’t like him, they were just tired and upset. I gave Web a smile before getting off the truck, following Joe close behind.

“Y’know, you didn’t have to be so mean to Web.” I said calmly, making sure to not seem mad at Joe as to not have him get defensive.

“I guess, but it’s bullshit that we had men come back just to get killed.” He said quickly. When he said that, I saw Lieutenant Lipton sluggishly walking towards a building. The poor man had a bad case of Pneumonia, so I ran over and put his arm under my shoulders to help him. As I did that, explosions rang over our head and fell a little farther than we were. He gave me a smile and I helped him into the building he was walking towards. It was pretty on the inside, Luz and Captain Speirs were in the room along with Webster walking in. 

“Hey look who it is. Nice digs, huh, Lip? (Y/n)?” Luz said to me and Lipton as I helped Lipton situate himself on the couch.

“Yeah.” Lipton called back, unenthusiastically and coughed slightly after.

George came over with a blanket and put it on Lipton. He had a lit cigarette in his mouth, so I took it out and took a long drag from it.

“Hey what gives (Y/n). Just ‘cause you’re a pretty dame with a nice rack doesn’t mean you can steal my cigs.” He said while laughing, only partly joking. I gave him a look and replied,

“You’re just mad, this is all you get to see of my ‘nice’ rack.” 

He laughed and replied with a ‘you bet’. As he said that, a new voice spoke up, mock confident.

“Ahem. Is this the company CP for Easy?” He asked, looking at me and Luz weirdly before I went to get Lip a cup of hot coffee. 

From the kitchen, I could vaguely hear that he called himself Lieutenant Jones and that he was asking for Captain Speirs. I came out with a coffee for Lipton as Speirs was drilling him about going to the back to sack out and rest. I noticed Jones had stood up when Speirs walked in.

“Christ Captain, give him a break. He’s got Pneumonia!” I told Speirs as I handed Lipton his coffee and gave him a squeeze on his shoulder. Lipton thanked me with a small smile as the new guy looked at me with an expression I couldn’t decipher.

“Hello to you Ms. (L/n). If he doesn’t rest up though, that Pneumonia won’t go away.” He said pointedly at Lipton.

“I’m sorry, are you a field nurse? I didn’t think they let field nurses come this close to action.” Jones asked me, even though he wasn’t asking with any malicious intent, and it was all curiosity, I still got upset.

“Why d’ya think I’m a field nurse? I’m literally in uniform.” I deadpanned at him while giving him a little attitude for automatically assuming I’d be a field nurse just because I was a woman.

“Oh. I’m sorry, truly I was just curious. I didn't mean any offense, I just didn’t know they let women become paratroopers.” He said quickly, face turning slightly red.

“They don’t. (Y/n) here has some insane stamina, and she’s a helluva shot!” Webster spoke up for me, and I threw him a smile.

“Oh gee, Shifty’s got a better shot than I’d ever dream of having.” I replied, giving credit to Shifty, as he did have a better shot and he was just the sweetest man alive. At that, Winters walked in and told us he’d need fifteen of us on a patrol tonight to capture prisoners. When he said he’d need a translator, I instantly knew it’d be me or Joe as we were the only two in Second Platoon who could speak German. Webster could as well, but we didn’t know which Platoon he’d be in. 

After Nixon and Winters left, Speirs began talking to Lipton about who should lead, and who he could take for the patrol. During this, Jones asked to be on the patrol, which Speirs answered quickly and easily with a no, that he hadn’t any experience. 

“Lipton, how many prisoners do you think there’ll be?” Speirs asked the man in question.

“Honestly, sir, I’m not quite sure, anywhere between three to forty it seems.” He said in reply.

“(L/n).” Speirs called for me as I was sitting in a chair reading.

“Ya want me to be a translator, that it?” I asked, knowing that’s what he was about to ask me.

“Yes ma’am.” 

“Alright.”

When Webster and Lieutenant Jones left for OP two, I decided to get going as well. I knew Liebgott would be there so that was a good enough reason for me.

“Web, I’m comin’ with. Joe’s probably there right now.” I said to David, although slightly talking to Jones as well, to let him know I’d be going to.

“Yeah, no problem. Say when you’re finished with that book, d’ya mind if I reread it?” He asked me as all three of us walked down the street.

“Awh hell Web, I’ve read this thing three times now, you can go ahead and read it now.” I said while throwing him the book, silently noting how quiet Lieutenant Jones was behind us. The two men were running around crouching behind a little garden wall as I stood up, not seeing why they were doing that. When I heard the door open, Sergeant Kiehn came out, greeting me and Web and telling us where OP two was at. Before anymore words could get exchanged, bombs and mortars started raining down on us and we started running and ducking to take cover. We sat against the wall of a building before a man shouted out that it was all clear. After that, we quickly got to the building where OP two was located. Once inside, I immediately went upstairs and sat down on Joe’s bunk and plopped my stuff down.

“Hey doll, where’d you run off to?” Joe asked while wrapping his arms around me as a way to annoy me.

“Went to help Lip, where’d you go?” I asked while laughing at him.

“Came here.” He replied while digging his face into my stomach and faking sleep. Web and Lieutenant Jones came up not too long after I had, and when Jones saw me and Liebgott he immediately stiffened and gave me and Joe a weird look.

“This spot taken?” Webster asked.

“Nah it’s all yours.” Joe said to him while turning his face away from my stomach, my hands went down to card through his hair and he took notice of Jones’ look.

“Fuck are you staring at?” Joe asked him while sitting up and giving him his own glare.

“I’m sorry?” The Lieutenant asked, offended.

“You got a starin’ problem? Why you lookin’ at me and (Y/n) like that?” He challenged him.

“Alright, alright. Quit fighting, we’ve got news.” Webster said, breaking up the fight.

“Dummer, zimperlicher Junge, der dich so ansieht. (Stupid, prissy boy, lookin at you like that)” Joe mumbled to me in German, only loud enough for only me to hear.

“Er ist einfach sauer, weil du mich berührst und nicht er. (He's just mad because you're touching me and not him)” I said back laughing.

Me and Joe got up to go talk to a bunch of men in the corner laughing and smoking, while Webster and Jones went to talk to Malark. When Joe heard them talk about the patrol he pulled Web aside and I went and sat next to Babe to listen to what he was going to say.

“What do you know about this patrol thing?” Joe asked Web quietly.

“Uh, nothing.” Web said while nodding his head.

“Oh, come on, Web. You gotta know something.” Ramirez interrogated.

“I don’t” He replied adamantly 

` “Bullshit.” 

Web and everyone went back and forth and soon more people sat down to listen. I knew Web wouldn’t give anything up, so I decided to. My head was starting to hurt and I wanted to lay down before the patrol knowing I’d be on it at 0100.

“Speirs is picking fifteen men, Jonesy boy wants to be one of ‘em.” I said while yawning. Joe looked down at me and said,

“I say let the kid go, he could use the experience.” He smiled then Ramirez perked up,

“And I bet they could find fourteen other replacements to help him out.” while smirking.

“Nope.” I said, popping the p. “Babe, McClung, Ramirez and I are going out there.” I said dismissively.

“(Y/n)!” Web hissed at me.

“What?” I asked, confused. Then proceeded with,

“Pssh, I’ll just say it was you who said it, Joe and Babe’ll back me up, won’t you boys.” I asked, smiling up at Joe then at Babe.

“Course we will, doll.” Joe replied and Babe grunted. Webster deadpanned me and sat down when Malarkey started telling us about the patrol. 

When the phone rang, and the PX supplies came in, I was ecstatic. New shoes and a shower? Felt like late Christmas. On our way out, the Krauts started to bomb us. We ran down the stairs and I threw myself under a table with Joe. When we had made it outside, we heard there was a casualty, Bill Kiehn. He was a Toccoa man. It was upsetting and it was unfair that he’d gotten through Bastogne only to die like this. I hadn’t known him too well, but the fact that I’d been talking to him 30 minutes prior made me feel like throwing up. Instead of staying to watch, me and the rest of the second platoon went over to the showers to pick up our new ODs. 

Arriving at the showers, we went to go pick up our new ODs, and anything else they’d dropped for us. Nixon was standing by the depot and was holding a box with my name on it. Being the only woman paratrooper here meant I’d need a different size uniform and boots. I thanked Nixon and grabbed the box, opening it. Inside there was a uniform my size, boots, and women’s sanitary needs, a new bra set, and a few new pairs of panties.

“Well ain’t you a lucky gal, getting new undergarments while we’re stuck with the same briefs.” A voice came from behind me. Getting ready to yell at whoever was looking over my shoulder, I turned and realized it was Joe.

“Aww, poor baby has to wear the same briefs.” I replied, feigning upset and then laughing when I saw his disgruntled expression.

 Before I could run off to take a much needed shower, Malarkey called for us to let us know who’d be going on the patrol.

Heffron, McClung, Ramirez, me, Liebgott, Grant, Wynn, Jackson, Shifty and Webster. When we heard how many second platoon men were going, you could practically feel the rage flowing from us. 

We’d all been pissed, wanting to complain but knowing it’d do us no good. Malarkey went off towards the showers and told us to as well. There were men standing at the entrance, undressing and some coming out wet. I didn’t want to undress, even if it was only down to my bra and panties. I’d been behind Joe when I took my first few layers of my tops off. Down to my black bra and army-issued pants was when Webster came up to talk to Joe, effectively, scaring the shit out of me.

“Jesus, Web, you came outta nowhere.” I said, holding my hand to my chest to calm down.

“Oops, sorry (Y/n).” He said while rubbing the back of his neck nervously. I’d noticed his face had turned a bright shade of red, but I thought it was because he was embarrassed that he’d scared me. A hand shot out to grab my arm and turn me around when I noticed it was Joe. 

“What’s the matter?” I asked curiously.

“Do you not see everyone lookin’ at you like they’re starving men looking at their last meal?” He asked bewildered. Suddenly, I became hyper aware of most of the men's eyes on me, waiting for me to finish undressing. Before I could respond Joe spoke up again.

“Nevermind that, just finish and we can go in together.” Quickly I went to undo my belt, and I realized Joe was already down to his briefs, waiting on me. I felt bad to make him wait, but he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to. I took this time to really look at Joe. Sure he was cute, and I’d definitely thought about him like this before, but would he really want me? I tried not to let my hopes get up, and as I slipped my pants down my legs, I forced myself to look away from his bare chest.

Having a hot shower was probably the best thing I’d had in a long time. Quickly scrubbing my body and hair down and then rinsing off, I stepped outside in a towel and grabbed my new uniform, and new undergarments.

Joe had finished showering, so I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to a random building to change, and do my hair. When we got in, there was nobody there, probably all in the showers, so I took Joe to the first mirror I found in a bedroom and made him sit down. He had no obligations and I told him I’d be back after changing. Once I finished, I brought out my old undergarments and towel and hung them out to dry.

There was a vanity on the opposite side of a bed, with a little cushion seat, and some old, dusty hair products. I quickly got to work using them and braiding up my hair.

“Why’d you pull me away doll? Want me that bad huh?” He questioned while smirking at me and drawing a cigarette from his front pocket.

“Yeah, you wish. I wanted someone to talk to.” I joked back before replying honestly and looking at him through the mirror. I finished doing my last braid as Joe was telling me about one of his comics he found that he enjoyed. Standing up, I walked over to stand in front of him, looking down on him as he was sitting on the bed. He stopped talking and we made eye contact. He looked as handsome as ever sitting in his new ODs, with a fresh shower.

“Well don’t you look handsome in your new uniform with your hair combed.” I said to him in a sweet voice running my hands through his wet hair. His eyes darkened as his hands went to hold onto my hips.

“Jesus, (Y/n). We’ve been through hell and back and you’re still the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen.” He said confidently. I could feel my face getting hot, he’d said things like this before, but this time, it felt different. Stronger almost. 

“Oh, Joe. You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever met.” I whispered to him, and he looked up at my lips, silently asking me. I slowly closed my eyes and let my hands fall from his hair down to his face, I slowly leaned down as he looked up and closed my eyes. As our lips were less than a centimeter apart, someone awkwardly coughed.

We sprung away from each other, embarrassed that we got caught. Looking at who it was, some random replacement apologized and said he left something in here and it was his room.

When he left, I started laughing and grabbed Joe by the arm to pull him up.

“Come on, I bet everyone is wondering where we went.”

“Goddammit Johnny, you’re breaking my heart.” Luz said.

“Come on, George, just give me, I don’t know, ten, fifteen bars?” Martin pressured him

“Juicy fruit, happy?”

Johnny and Cobb had been pestering George to give them Hershey bars. I knew there wasn’t enough, and that it wasn’t fair so I just stayed quiet the whole time. Cobb began badgering George again and when George went to defend himself, a whole group of men walked in.

“Whoa, Hershey bars!” Joe exclaimed, coming up behind me to rest his hands on my shoulders from where I was sitting in front of the table of candy and treats.

“Jesus Christ.” Poor George just couldn’t catch a break.

“Wait your turn, Liebgott.” Cobb said, pissing me off. I never really liked Cobb and he didn’t like me.

“Yeah, who they for?” Liebgott asked George.

“Not you, Lieb.”

“Oh come on George, one bar!” Joe pestered, wanting to get that bar.

“Y’know who they’re for? People who don’t interrogate me. Here, (Y/n), have a bar!” George replied while looking Joe in the eye.

“Oh George! Thank you!” I exclaimed excitedly. I hadn’t known the last time I’d gotten chocolate.

“Christ, you’re only giving it to her because she’s a woman and you wanna get on her good side in case the opportunity arises to fuck her!” Cobb said angrily as I turned around, glaring, ready to hit him.

“That sounds more like something you’d do, knowing you couldn’t get a woman to sleep with you willingly if your life depended on it!” I yelled back at him which caused him to call me a slur of colorful words. After that, Joe yelled at him and I ignored him.

“Hey big mouth! Give Lieb a Hershey bar, huh?” Perconte asked.

When I heard his voice, I jumped up, running up to him to give him a hug.

“Perco! Your back!” I exclaimed as he hugged me back.

“You gotta be shittin’ me! Look who it is!” George laughed and said.

“How ya feeling?” Joe then asked him, smiling.

“As long as you keep your hands off my ass, I’ll be fine.” Perconte replied, laughing.

“Have a Hershey’s!” Luz threw one at Perconte.

“Hey he gets a fuckin Hershey bar?” Joe asked, offended as I came to sit down next to him, opening up my Hershey’s.

“Ask ya girlfriend to french ya when she’s done eating it.” George joked as I took a bite into my bar and broke it in half.

“I’ll do you one better, Joe.” I said after I swallowed and handed him the half I didn’t bite into. He took it with thanks.

“That’s not one better, he’d rather you kiss him (L/n)!” Luz said while laughing right after. Joe pushed him backwards while also laughing

At 1700, there was a briefing about the house we’d be going into. I was next to Shifty, talking with him. Every now and again me and Joe would make eye contact, until the other looked away. Winters, and Martin walked in which caused Joe to look away first. Winters explained Johnny would be going in Malarkey's place, and that made everyone slightly more comfortable. I was on Johnny’s team, along with Webster. I walked out and Liebgott was waiting for me, he left with me and as we passed Speirs, he told Joe he didn’t have to go on the patrol.

We’d been all stationed in the basement for now before the patrol. Having to eat slop and we couldn’t have our helmets. I sat with Shifty as I ate.

“Youse gonna be out there with a gun?” Shifty asked me in a sweet voice, I knew what he was talking about. He was asking if I’d be helping shoot.

“Nah, well obviously I’ll have a gun, but I’m mainly a translator.” I smiled at him and he smiled back.

“I don’ understand why they never let you shoot with me. You’re a helluva sniper.” Shifty told me, making me giggle at him.

“Oh Shift, you know how to make a woman feel good about herself.” I replied, happy that I got to talk to him before the patrol. He always knew how to make someone happy, even during nerve-wracking times.

At 0100, we were getting into those rubber boats, and setting sail on a short trip across the river. Before the fourth boat could even get far, it flipped and we were down three men. I wasn’t too nervous, knowing that I’d been through worse. When we got to the other side, Martin had someone cut the fence and me and Web, being translators, meant that we had to be up front in case we found any Germans. 

So far, we’d gotten up to the steps of the house we’d need to get prisoners from. Johnny had shot into the window, and Jackson went up to throw his grenade, except, instead of waiting for it to finish detonating, Jackson didn’t stop and immediately went into the house, getting hit straight in the face with his grenade. As we ran in, me and Web were yelling at the men in German. We started to split the three men up when I heard a small cry in the corner of the room. I stopped to turn to go towards the sound.

“(L/n)! What are you doing?” Johnny yelled at me.

“Sir! There’s a child!” I shouted, confused. When I got down eye level with the little girl, I noticed she was only in a thin, white nightgown, with no shoes. She looked malnourished, hurt and mostly scared. 

“Alsjeblieft! Alsjeblieft! (Please! Please!)” The little girl cried in Dutch, shrinking away from me when I went to get her.

“Het is goed schat! Rustig maar, ik ben hier om te helpen! (Its okay dear! Relax, I'm here to help!)” I replied to her in Dutch. What had a little Dutch girl been doing here? I didn’t have time to continue to calm the little girl before Johnny started yelling about getting on the boats and leaving.

“Klein meisje, ik ga je ophalen. (Little girl, I'm going to pick you up.)” I warned her before grabbing her bridal style and running with her out of the house and covering her eyes to make sure she didn’t see what was happening around her with Jackson. Pushing everyone into the boats, the girl I was holding onto kept crying and crying. The poor little girl couldn’t have been more than four years old. 

“Het is goed schat. Het is goed schat. (It’s alright baby. It’s alright baby.)” I kept repeating to the small frightened girl. When Webster jumped into the boat behind me, we started going back to our side. He had his head ducked, as the Krauts kept shooting at the back boat. He had his arms around me when he realized I was shielding a child.

“(Y/n)! What the hell? Why do you have a child?” He yelled out over the gun fire.

“I don’t know! She was in the corner, she’s Dutch!” I replied, still confused as to how she got here and why she wasn’t in the Netherlands. We all ran downstairs, I was still holding onto the little girl, she had come from the Germans territory so I had to stay with her by the other prisoners. Nobody had come up to me about the girl yet so I took this as a time to try to get information so she wasn’t bombarded when adrenaline wore off.

“Wat is je naam? (What’s your name?)” I asked her calmly. She looked up at me with teary dark blue eyes. “Tineke.” She responded in a quiet voice. I was sitting on the floor and I held her so she was only facing me. I could feel someone watching me, but for now I didn’t care.

“Mooie naam! De mijne is (Y/n)! (Beautiful name! Mine is (Y/n)!)” I replied while smiling at her and gently carding my hand through her dark brown strands. Her skin was deathly pale and it was obvious she hadn’t drank or eaten anything in a long time. I gave her my canteen and she took it wearily. She wouldn’t drink it because she was scared of what could be in it. I took it back and took a small sip and gave it back. When she noticed I was okay, she started drinking out of it rapidly. 

When she finished drinking, I asked her more questions. 

“Spreek je Engels? (Can you speak English?)” I asked her. “Little bit.” She replied hesitantly.

“Very good, mijn liefje! (My love!)” She seemed to smile a little at the name I’d given her.

“Where is your mommy?” I asked slowly. She started to get upset at the mention of her mother but she replied anyway.

“She die. The Duits kill her. I am Joods. They take her and kill my mammie in de camps for Jodens. Then they keep me. (The Germans kill her. I am Jewish. My mommy. Camps for Jews.)” She told me in a somber tone. When she couldn’t think of the right word, she’d just say it in Dutch. I thought about bringing her to Joe later knowing he was Jewish, she might feel comfortable with him. 

“You’re safe now, liefje.” I told her while bringing her close to my chest. She ended up falling asleep not even ten minutes later. It gave me time to think about what she had said. She never mentioned a last name which made me believe she didn’t know it. The camp she was talking about was also weird. What did she mean by a camp for Jewish people?

Jackson had died. That boy who’d just turned twenty, had died. He had his whole life ahead and he died in a stupid war. I hadn’t even known him too well, but he just died in front of me, in front of everyone. I was thankful Tineke was asleep as she’d already seen enough. 

A day had passed since the patrol. The Germans were taken away and Tineke wouldn’t talk to anyone except me, and occasionally Joe. When Winters had found out about her, he had to ask her questions. I had come with because she couldn’t speak English very well and she refused to go anywhere if I wasn’t with her. The poor girl had been traumatized and it seemed like she’d been like that for a while.

While asking her questions, we found out her family was Jewish, and when the Germans found out, they took her and her family out of their homes to be sent to a camp. She didn’t know much, just that her mother and her got away and when they were found by the two Germans, her mother tried to fight against them resulting in her getting shot. Tineke was then taken as a hostage. 

Doc Roe came in to see how she was and it turned out she had been malnourished, and if I hadn’t found her when I did she would’ve been dead. Later that day I took her to the building where the second platoon was located to introduce her. 

I walked in and held onto Tine and went upstairs.

“Guys, this is Tineke. She was found in the house with the other POWs and she’s Dutch. She can speak some English, but don’t bombard her.” I spoke when I went upstairs and saw everyone. They all looked at us, and one by one I walked around with her and had her say hi to everyone. When I got to the last person, Joe, I sat down on the bunk with him and had her greet him.

“Tine, why don’t you tell Joe what you are.” I reminded her. I had told her to tell him she was Jewish before we went upstairs.

“Jewish.” Was all she said, nervous and not knowing too much English, she turned her face away into my chest. I rubbed my hand down her knotted, dirty hair realizing she needed a bath.

“Ain’t that cool! I’m Jewish too!” Joe responded in a sweet voice, smiling down at her when she slightly turned her head towards him. Before any more words could get exchanged, Webster came in to break the news that we were to go on another patrol that night and there would be another meeting at 1800. It was currently 1530 so I decided to bring Tineke down to the kitchen sink where I could give her a makeshift bath. I remembered how my mom would do that for me and my siblings when we were little and there were no baths in any of the houses.

I grabbed some soap and put it in her hair while I’d tell her stories to pass the time. 

“A long time ago, there were two moons. It was said one of them, named houden got too close to the sun, and out came thousands of dragons.” I told her a story my mother used to tell me all the time.

“Houden? To hold?” She asked as I began rinsing out her hair.

“That’s right. That’s how dragons were born.” I told her. As I finished saying that, another voice piped up from behind me.

“I didn’t know dragons were born from the moon.” Joe came up behind me and waved at Tineke, who brought her hand up slightly.

“That’s because I never told you that.” I said while smiling up at him. He moved to have his arms around my waist and laid his head on my shoulder. I finished rinsing Tine off then I grabbed a towel and wrapped her in it. Nixon had got clothes small enough to fit her from one of his sources. It was a small, black dress with a dark brown fluffy shawl. She also had stockings and tiny boots. When I finished dressing her, I braided up her hair and put on a hat.

At 1800 we all went down to the basement to await Winter’s meeting he called.

“Whatcha lookin’ at Webster.” A drunk Cobb said. I put one of my hands on Web’s shoulder, holding Tineke to my chest as she slept on me, and he turned to give me a smile.

“That’s what I thought, college boy.” Cobb said while swaying lightly on his feet. I gave Cobb a glare and squeezed the hand I had on Web’s shoulder.

“Are you drunk, trooper?” Lieutenant Jones asked him, angrily.

“Leave me alone.” Cobb replied, looking away.

“Answer the question.” Jones said firmly.

“Yes, sir, I am drunk, sir.” Cobb said sassily before adding, “Drunk, and sick and tired of fucking patrols. Taking orders-”

“Hey Cobb, shut up. It’s boring, okay.” Martin cut him off before he could finish what he was saying.

“Taking his side, Johnny?” “Yeah, I am.”

After that shit show I went and sat by Joe, wanting to make sure I wouldn’t be in Cobb’s line of fire in case he decided to throw something.

Winters came in to not only tell us that we didn’t have to go on that patrol, but that we’d also be off the line tomorrow. After he left, everyone started talking, which woke up Tine, who had no idea what was going on, but was happy because everyone else was. 

When I went upstairs, Winters was waiting for me.

“Hey, (Y/n).” He said, a bittersweet tone to his voice.

“Hello, sir. Anything I can help you with?” I asked, slightly nervous that he had waited for me.

“It turns out, we found one of Tineke’s family members. Her aunt and uncle. They’re set to come tonight.” He said quietly.

“Oh. Well that’s great!” I smiled slightly, feeling my heart get heavy at the fact that the young girl would be leaving.

“Tine, you hear that? Your aunt and uncle are coming to pick you up.” I told her, looking down at her. She perked up, looking between me and Winters and then she smiled. She smiled bigger than I’d ever seen her smile.

When her aunt and uncle arrived at 2100, Tineke ran up to them and they picked her up. They repeatedly thanked me and Winters and before they left, I gave Tineke a hug and kiss and turned around to walk away. As I did that, I noticed Joe was standing there waiting for me, smiling sweetly at me. We walked away, arm in arm to go back to the house together. The next day, we’d all been sent to the trucks to move to our new location. I was sitting next to Joe, my head on his shoulder as I slept. 

We had made it to Germany. The Krauts surrendered and Hitler shot himself. We were finally able to stay in an actual house, with actual baths and actual beds. To us, life couldn’t get any better. 

Me and Joe had been sharing a house with Perco and Luz. Frank and George went out to get eggs from a farmhouse a few blocks down so right now it was just me and Joe.

“You excited, doll?” He asked me from the table. I put down one of the wet dishes I was washing, and replied,

“For what Lieb?” “We got through the hard part!” Oh. I hadn’t really thought about that yet.

“Well, yeah, I guess. I’m just scared that I’ll have to go to the Pacific if this war finishes soon.” I replied genuinely.

“Oh don’t worry about that right now.” He said while standing up and coming behind me. I put down the last dish and pulled off the wet, yellow gloves I had on to wash the dishes in.

“Y’know, Perco and Luz just left.” 

“I know Liebgott, I’ve got eyes.” I replied, smiling up at him while turning around to face him. He put his hands on the sink behind me and smiled down on me.

“Well if your eyes are any good, then you’ll be able to see how much of a hold ya got on me.” He spoke before closing the distance between us and closing the gap.

I immediately closed my eyes and kissed him back. We slowly pulled apart, and without another word he slammed his mouth into mine. This time, he was much more passionate. His hands wandered down to my waist, and mine went up to his neck and hair. I gasped as he bit my bottom lip, and he snuck his tongue into my mouth. I kissed him back with as much fervor as I could, slightly pulling on his hair without realizing. He moaned into my mouth and the vibrations caused heat to pool in my stomach.

His hands started to roam down my body, causing me to moan as well. He pulled me flush against him and then pulled me up the stairs into one of the rooms I was occupying. I gently sat down on the bed and his fingers went to my uniform top, unbuttoning my shirt. 

Perconte and Luz were walking down the trail to the house they were sharing with (Y/n) and Joe, they had eggs to cook up for everyone. When they got inside, they expected to see (Y/n) and Joe downstairs, waiting for them like they had been before.

“Hey, where’d they go-”

“D’you hear that?” George cut Frank off when he heard what sounded like muffled banging from upstairs. The two men immediately smirked at each other, and Luz ran upstairs.

They stopped outside of the door getting ready to knock, when they heard moaning from the other side.

Before Frank could hold George back, he knocked on the door yelling, 

“You two better hurry up before me and Perco eat all the eggs!” It was quiet for a moment before Joe shouted out towards the two men,

“Go ahead! I’m eating something way better!”

IM SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG! If I missed any TWs lmk and I'll add them!

[cycloptictarot]

What is your message for the month of February?

For card 1, we have the Page of Cups! For some reason, the globe/ droplet that is on the card reminds me of a window to apps and the Internet. This is a romantic card, and with Valentine's day coming up it's possible you may meet someone in a dating app, or connect with someone who is long distance! This feels like a starting point when it comes to attraction and feelings, and it is possible you may be in the early stages of getting to know someone. For the month of February, it looks like you will be surrounded by a light hearted energy of love!

For card 2, we have the Knight of Cups! Once again, this month may have a lot of love, attraction and romance because of Valentine's day, so this may be attached to that energy! This card reminds me of someone who has a certain air of confidence and charm when it comes to meeting new people. It's possible that you may run into someone who sweeps you off your feet romantically! This may be something that happens when you least expect it, or it can also be an unexpected romantic gesture from your significant other if you are in a relationship as well!

For card 3, we have the 6 of Swords. This is telling me that this month may be an important time to focus on yourself and healing. It's possible that you may have recently had a tough time in the recent past, and now it is time to start transitioning to the next chapter of your life. Even if this isn't necessarily a romantic reading, this month may also be difficult if you have recently broken up or lost someone around the month of February. While it may be difficult to move forward, I see this month as being a good time to focus on yourself and healing! Just know you are not alone!

[songsnstars]

normally im not one to make personal posts

once in a blue moon really

tw for under the cut: animal death, cancer, face wound (this post includes pictures)

but yesterday i had to do something really tough

first some context

five months ago on august 30th, i saw a tiny black kitty outside my window on the sidesteps of my neighbors house. id only seen her one other time before and i knew she was friendly. so i grabbed a churu treat to bring to her. i pretty quickly noticed the large open wound on the left side of her face, exposing her long front fang, it was narly to say the least. (at this point i thought she was a boy but i figured out soon that she wasnt) i didnt know what to do to be honest, i didnt have the money or the time to take care of her. dispute this i took her in after some deliberating, (at one point i had gone back inside and almost panicked when she wasnt where i left her but eventually she cake back to the steps) i picked her up and placed her in my bathroom, my other cat curious as to who i brought in.

the one thing i did have connections, im a volunteer for the local cat coalition, so i emailed our coordinator. she helped me get into contact with some of the fosters and one of the vet techs we work with.

after a few weeks we had her blood work done and had gotten her on pain meds and antibiotics. at this point all we could assume was that it was just a wound, god i wish it was just a wound.

she was very dehydrated and malnourished, and from her blood work, had hyperthyroidism. after some trail and error i found what she liked to eat and got her on medicine for hyperthyroidism. (later i would figure out that the main reason she didnt want to eat was because her stomach didnt like the antibiotics very much, we had her on antibiotic shots after a couple weeks anyway because it was going to easier) she also didnt have a microchip despite having been neutered and her tail obviously been surgically removed at some point. and she had a flea and tick collar when i picked her up, she was owned but not cared for or lost.

she was the sweetest old lady (the vet tech estimated her to be around 10 years old), her meows sounded like she smoked a pack a day and she loved getting pets and scratches. she was gaining back weight at a constant rate and she seemed to be getting better.

but well, in december while getting her antibiotic shot for the next couple weeks, the vet tech brought up that it probably wasnt a wound. it was a mass, an aggressive malignant cancer that would eventually take over her whole face.

as you can imagine i had already passed into the first stage of grief, denial. i couldnt believe that such a sweet girl could have such a thing, the rest of her body be completely healthy but she would be suffocated and starved from the tumor on her face.

i was told it was my choice when her painful journey would end.

i was selfish.

i brought her with me to my parents for christmas, i left her with a sitter for two weeks when i visited my partner. just barely two weeks have i come back from that trip when i brought her in to visit the vet. i thought it was just going to be a normal visit to get an antibiotic shot and to get more pain killers. i had just bought more goats milk, it was her favorite, i was still in denial. i had only had her for 5 months but she had already nestled herself in my heart. i had so many plans for her.

but she was in pain, more than i could ever know, i love her and i knew she loved me back in only the ways a cat could. and i had to do what was right for her, to end the pain and suffering, to stop it before it got to the point where she couldnt breath or eat or be a normal cat.

the vet was so kind, to both of us. and i made a decision. i had to let her go.

yesterday on february 7th, at 6:20p,

i held her as she fell asleep forever, wailing over her like she was my own flesh and blood.

i will love and miss you forever and ever my sweet baby girl nari. you will be in my heart and bones and flesh and mind until i also pass.

[nomaxart]

Hey everyone! It is that time of the year when we sit down for this! In a new look this time around, and I've ditched the "favourite of the year" for this year because it's just too much of a mess for it to really make sense.

This year has been completely different than the previous ones due to the main project of mine being the Conway Visual Novel, soooooo it ended up making it a bit tricky to really choose for this in the first place. That is not to even mention the lead times from painting it to it being released in the game and then to me posting it online (IF I even post it online outside of the game, which doesn't happen for everything). So it's less of a science this year and more of a suggestion. The two oil paintings for example are in their public release month, even though they were painted in january. Reason for it being that I wanted to free up January since I wanted to pad things, and avoid half of the months just being character sprites.

Also got a comparison from the first build in february and the same scene in the newest version, which is pretty fun to see them next to one another.

This year of course has been dominated by Conway for me, and that doesn't look like it's changing. I know it's probably something not everyone of your enjoys, which is fair enough, but it's just way too fun to make to set it aside for my old routine. It feels like it's garnering a nice little fanbase by now and yeah, as long as I can I'll be working on this game, and on other projects like it afterwards. Thank you to every one of you who made an effort to support it. It's been truly amazing to see the support I have for it and read about people enjoying it and all that good stuff that one absorbs along the way.

Some months were tough, of course, and it really scraped past me having to call quits on it by a hair's breadth there around May and June, so thank you to everyone of you who ends up making this stuff possible. I can't thank you all enough!

Onwards to 2024 then and let's see where this ship is going. :D

[crimsonthornedrose]

So..

I had been gone from here because I wasn't doing great! I will explain more in a minute, but some good things have happened since I've been gone and some not so good things have happened!

Not so good things -

🌿 The stiff person flare that landed me in hospital lasted an entire month which is the longest it's ever lasted, and affected muscles which aren't usually affected.

🌿 My ataxia was then triggered extremely badly for the first time in years, and I had intense vertigo with loss of balance for about a week or two.

🌿 I had an emg and nerve test finally but I'm still recovering from the pain of the needle going in multiple muscles as it's really sore still and I can't raise my right arm most days!

🌿 I had to call 111 as I had extremely intense abdominal and back spasms coming in waves and vomiting all night long at one point. Not sure what it was my condition spread into my abdomen or inflammation or what.

Though it kicked me up the butt to overhaul my entire diet.

Good things -

��� I have an app with a neuro close to me, it had to be rescheduled because of the snow, but should hopefuly now be on my way to getting a firm treatment plan in place mainly from having to go into hospital and the tests, so something good came from it! 😄

🌱- Once that's done I will be getting myself an electric wheelchair instead of struggling up the hill each day on the school run etc! 😅

🌱 I will have my entire overdraft paid off in May this year finally 👌

🌱 I've lost total of 1st 10lb as of today and I'm doing really well with my weight loss journey! I'm really taking my health seriously for the first time in years and have overhauled my entire way of eating, I'm eating lots of organic veggies and fruits and making things compeltely from scratch. I have also stopped binge ordering takeout.

🌱 TMI - In completely cutting out my intolerances/allergens even with cross contamination and overhauling my diet. My pcos has got much better and for the first time in a few years my last period lasted two weeks instead of months! Usually I don't come on for months at a time, and then come on for months super heavy. So that's made me very happy! :)

🌱 I've decided to buy my sisters house that I'm currently in, we have talked about this and so from July I will be opening a lifetime ISA and the extreme saving will commence haha but I should be able to put down a deposit around 2027👌

🌱 I am currently dating someone and he's extremely sweet and lovely and I'm seeing him again in February, but right now my sons father doesn't have a car at the moment to look after our toddler, but he makes me happy so we will see how things go, I have high hopes as he gives me reciprocated energy I've wanted for a long time! 😅

🌱 I am super into home decor at the moment and super focused on making my home extremely lovely, definitely found my vibe which is very bright colours and a little retro/quirky - dopamine decor haha :3

🌱 Me and my toddler had the best time in his school holidays we did so much crafting, playing and having fun everyday haha it was great! 😁

What's been going on -

🌲 The reason I've been all over the place the past few years, is because I've been 100% certain I have bipolar. It's become more obvious to me as the years go by and I recognise my own behaviours and patterns. I've been in denial over it over the stigma that comes with it. One of my family members has it and I didn't like the way some other family members talked about them, which kind of made me try and make it anything but, super long pmdd, seasonal depression etc. But I can't be in denial any longer and I'm ready to seek the help I need.

🌱 I have an app this month with the doctor but will most likely be taking myself privately because I want to get on the right meds asap and it could take a long time with the NHS.. It's tough having to deal with constant euphoric highs and rock bottom lows every few weeks/months as I rapid cycle.

🌱 I am just coming out of a really severe hypomania phase (but tbh I did get my entire house organised and sorted, have been ontop of everything, super happy) but then now I've been coming out of it the past few days, I've been extremely over the top irritable, sad and just bleh.

🌱 But.. Today I feel very calm, normal, stable and happy again! More like my normal self. So hopefuly I will have a nice normal period before I crash back into depression, ha!

🌱But, I have downloaded this app to track moods so I can print it out bring it to my psychiatrist.

🌱I've also downloaded a journal that I can do voice notes and it transcribes it into writing. So when I am crashing I'm not babbling it all on here ha.

🌱I will get myself sorted no matter what before the middle of this year with it, but atleast now I can recognise when I'm actually having an episode and I'm trying my best to put things in place to help me, like batch cooking and getting as much done as possible during my high phases to benefit me during my depressive phases ha! 😊👌

🌱 I also don't get paid until later in the month now which is an extreme blessing because during my hypomania episodes and even depression (where I can binge order takeout) I now can't physically do that and during my hypomania phase I managed to screenshot everything I wanted to impulsively purchase, and I have a list of about 60 things. So thank god for the change in payment schedule. I am determined to stick to my budget per month.

🌱 I've been looking up a lot of self help stuff on YouTube for bipolar and have a lot of new ideas in ways to help myself in the meantime, plus the guy I'm dating is very understanding of this too, so I'm very happy ☺️

[mistressflorence32]

Christmas Presents in an FLR

As me and my slave spent Christmas in Malta we had to exchange presents later on. In this female led relationship, we both buy things for each other we think the other will like, and many kinky items as well. I think Christmas is a wonderful opportunity to use gifts to start introducing different kinks into your lives. I won’t make this a long winded introduction, you just want to know what I got for him and what he got for me. We’ll start off first with what I got him!

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS MY SLAVE RECEIVED

- Spiked ball stretcher (ballbusting training has been a very important aspect of my slave’s training so far, I see no reason why it can’t be brought to more of an extreme after so long)

- Sounding rod kit (as I have pointed out in previous essays, the final end goal for my slave is to be permanently locked in chastity with a sounding rod always down his dick. Others have been able to handle this, so I bought my slave a sounding kit so he can start breaking in his pisshole)

- New steel chastity cage (also for reasons previously stated, I feel in chastity his cock has somewhat shrunk and it’s time for his cage to be shrunk along with it. After all, he’s got a year of chastity awaiting him, it may as well fit)

- Secret VII Foreplay Game (of course the male options to this game were removed. I thought we’d be able to have some fun whilst reminding him that the pleasure is all for me)

- Sauvage (ever since he smelt it in a Selfridges my slave has been innocently trying to drop hints he wants this perfume, so I was happy to oblige)

- Dragons Dogma II (my slave is a massive fan of the original game so I got him this, something fun for him to be doing in his free time)

- Protein powder (naturally since I only expect the best from my slaves, he is in the gym every single day maintaining a beautiful body that most men who are into femdom don’t think is necessary. The reality is that you are here to please women, so if you can’t do that with how your body looks why do it at all? Anyway, as I was saying my slave is an absolute gym bunny and spends a fortune on protein powder, so this was one of his gifts)

- High heels (more than anything this was a symbolic present, as it instantly sparked the conversation about my plans for him during Fembruary, a month where the male of an FLR spends February getting emasculated and feminised. He was aware of its existence in my personal circle, but this was a full announcement and confirmation that he will be getting sissified for that month. And yes, getting high heels in his size was VERY tough)

CHRISTMAS PRESENTS I RECEIVED (FROM MY SLAVE)

These first three presents get a description, the others pretty much are self explanatory but still wonderful gifts.

- Sculpture of my body as a candle (using exact pictures of my nude body my slave commissioned a candle in the perfectly replicated shape to show how much he worships and adores my body. It was one of the most romantic gestures I have ever received from a slave and honestly made me feel slightly emotional. We may be an FLR but it is nice to have events like Christmas to remind us how we are soulmates)

- Adore Me Lingerie Subscription Box (I love a bit of lingerie, as you can imagine so does my slave! But to be fair I can have issues with sourcing the stuff I find beautiful so this was perfect for me, even better with my sub knowing he’d be in chastity this year, and that every month I’ll have something fun and new to tease him with)

- Demonias STACK-301 (such an important part of my slave’s training has been ballbusting training. For a total of three hours a week, whether it’s eighteen 10 minute sessions or all in one go. It depends on how I feel but these are the usual methods I use; Kicking, Punching, E-stim Shocking, Humbler, Ball Crusher, Ball Stretching, Ball Hammering. What you’ll notice is the usual technique of stomping is not here, and that’s because I haven’t had the appropriate boots for it. That’s why I was very happy when my slave bought me this pair of demonias. Just look them up and you’ll see how extreme they really are with a 7 inch platform powering them)

- Friars Chocolate Box

- Dior OUD ISPAHAN perfume

- Silk dressing gown

- iPad

- Afternoon tea experience

- Persian rug

Overall, this has been a brilliant Christmas and as far as gifts go I’m very happy. We’ve exchanged presents that are deeply emotional and romantic, but also some gifts which will keep us very entertained until next Christmas! Well I say Christmas, but in the mean time for me we have Valentine’s Day, Woman’s Day and my Birthday!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to talk to my exes anymore? It's been two months and I'm still thinking about this. I (22nb) was in a semi-platonic/semi-romantic relationship with two people (both 20+) I thought were really genuinely lovely. There were communication issues but we're all three traumatized and have massive issues with confrontation so I sort of let a lot of it slide. A lot of it was them just... not telling me things? they'd go to each other for support when they were having bad times but never me. Nor would they ever tell me what was going on - both would just vanish and not respond for like 3 to 6 hours every evening with no warning. I did ask at one point if one of them could at least just... drop us a message and be like "talk later, having a hard time". Which I feel like isn't unreasonable? It apparently was though.

So February into March this year was really tough. I was in my final year (technically the final two months!!) of my undergrad and coping with some abuse in therapy, so I was a bit more all over the place. One of them started really just.... not talking to me and the other started being really off. Like if I spoke to them, it was in dms and never as a group until they wanted to call and play something in the evening.

In March, I had a massive mental health crisis personally and due to some really unfortunate circumstances, ended up unmedicated. This resulted in a psychotic episode (that I identified and informed them about). During this, one of them suggested that if I was having such a hard time with them, if breaking up would be better. And I sort of lost it? I wasn't mean, but I was really stressing that my paranoia and erraticness wasn't about them - I was having a psychotic episode and was incredibly mentally unwell.

It ended up with them both being angry at me and not speaking to me for a day. Everything proceeded far more awkwardly from there. I got back on my medication and somewhat recovered, but ended up needing to move back in with my parents during the exam season (I was a danger to myself). The night I got home, they broke up with me specifically. Because it "didn't feel like we were partners anymore" and I was "unhelpful and uncommunicative". They wanted to continue being friends though.

And I tried to be friends for the next month. I really tried. But it just felt... hollow. And then when I tried to inform one of them of something, they started lecturing me on my behavior.

So I decided... I didn't want to talk to them at that time. And I said as much, in private.

To which they took screenshots of personal conversations and posted them to a group server to prove they weren't the bad guys to mutual friends.

There were a lot of other little things. Like they'd talk to each other constantly but only one would talk to me consistently and this was framed as a "you're bad at communicating" thing to me. I tried consistently to reach out and show both I cared and ended up just.. being ignored or getting one word answers. Me expressing boundaries such as "can we have serious conversations when I'm level headed and not immediately (like not an hour after, I mean Directly, 2 seconds later "hey anon here's a boundary I never told you" after) after I've had a depressive breakdown or me asking to take ten minutes to settle my emotions when being told things were both sort of dismissed. Or even just... they always Expected I'd be there for group gaming sessions with their friends/did gaming sessions without me but got wildly upset when I spent an evening calling/gaming with a friend of mine who lives in a different country (to the point of being petty enough to make another server without me with a couple people and game/call Only There for like a week).

I just got... fed up with being treated like the bad guy? I wasn't always nice, but neither were they. I tried consistently to communicate/be as reasonable as I could and just felt like I was hitting brick walls. Communicating how I wanted the relationship to look always turned into me mimicking an abusive ex or something (seriously - one of them said that something I asked for was what their wildly abusive ex did and therefore wasn't okay).

I'll also note - I only ever shared parts of the breakup with close friends in DMs or in private conversation. Never publicly, and with minimal screenshots. Nothing I said was in a public space at all.

So Tumblr - AITA for not wanting to continue the friendship?

What are these acronyms?

[talkingtothetallman]

A lot of positives (with a few negatives along the way)

Well by golly, I did it! 365 days (well nearly... I'll get there later) of photos on my Sony a7iii, each day attempting to create an image that has some semblance of professionalism and artistry, in a twofold effort to create some beautiful pictures and give myself a reason to use my camera!

To say it was a big task to accomplish is both completely true, but also somehow and oxymoronically, false! I guess it's like what people say a dream job is... it's work, but in a fun and rewarding way.

But work is a four-letter word they say, so it's important to state that there were days aplenty that I did NOT want to take a photo, not because I no longer enjoyed photography or something, but because I didn't feel inspired. I think that's where I struggled the most this year... feeling truly inspired to go out and take a beautiful photo every day. The world that surrounds you daily can seem to be void of personality and charm, all the beauty that was once seemingly at every corner now gone with the normalcy of reality. Couple all that with a small world while on paternity leave during the winter months and it starts to become monotonous. Going back to work in mid-February was good for seeing different landscapes, but it still wasn't ideal for photography with the rainy climate of the Pacific Northwest in the winter.

Which is why I bought a small camera case for my lunchbox to take with me on route! Truly a game-changing moment! No longer did I have to wait until I got home to take a picture for the day or try to use my phone to get something of lesser quality. After all, if I wanted to come away with a lot of keepers this year, I was going to need to all the help I could get! And henceforth, the quest continued!

But with all that background now out of the way, let's talk about some of the things I learned.

I shoot vertical... a lot! I did the math, and I chose to shoot vertical around 25% more than landscape orientation. Pretty wild! My main speculation for this is because so much of the content we ravenously consume on our phones is centered around vertical images and video, due to how we hold them. I think it's a subconscious "rewiring" of the brain that makes portrait orientation photos/videos seem more normal or even preferred. But to defend it for a second, sometimes that just looks best for the subject! No shame in admitting it here ;)

2. My defacto subject when I don't know what shoot is... flowers. It seems like at least once or twice a week I wouldn't find anything interesting to capture, so I'd default to taking a picture of a flower. Not a bad thing because flowers are certainly beautiful, but since I've never fancied myself a flower guy it's a interesting observation that has yielded some good shots of those little colorful petals!

3. Slowing down for me is tough. My entire working career I've been with UPS, a company and industry known for working quickly. Add to that that I've always had a tendency to do things fast (speed cubing, sport stacking, talking fast, etc.) and the result is a lack of slowing down, even if for a minute or two, to take a photo. I probably missed some good shots this past year because I was in too much of a hurry to stop and smell the roses. I definitely want to be better about that this year!

4. Vintage lenses are fun! If you remember my last post, I talked about the fun and magic that come with vintage glass from yesteryear. It was fun to delve into researching them this year and getting to produce some stunning images with them! Not to mention, it's probably for the best that I brush up on my manual focusing skills! One of the best things about vintage lenses is that they are relatively affordable and can still hold up stupendously well despite some of them being over half a century old. But I'm taking a break from buying them for the next few months; it's definitely a great way to spend a lot of money without realizing it!

5. Didn't do a ton of astrophotography this year, but really want to in 2025! Part of what I wanted to do this year is shoot some more Milky Way photos this year, but alas I never made the time for it. It's definitely a commitment in the planning and shooting and editing departments, but it's also incredibly rewarding to look at the final shot! But even though I didn't capture any stunning Milky Way photos, I was able to get some of the aurora borealis! Thanks to my honeybee for dragging out the kids to go with me on a work night!

6. Tried some new things this year, namely shooting on 35mm film for the first time! Crazy how it sounds, but it's actually very rewarding not being instantly shown what you just photographed. My first was a some Kodak Portra 400, but I got some Fuji 400 for Christmas that I'm excited to shoot with and see the results! Definitely a neat experience that I was glad to take part in! What's old is new again, as the saying goes!

7. One thing that this challenge also contained was discipline. It's hard to commit to something, especially when you don't feel like doing it every day. But I'm pleased to say that I did use my Sony every day this past year, with the exception of the few days that I used my phone (which I did account for at the beginning the year) and one random day. It was 10:30 at night, the lights were off in the bedroom and all of sudden I realized, "I didn't take a picture today!" But since we were already in bed, I didn't get up and take a pic... consider it a cheat day ;)

I guess that about wraps it up! If you expected this blog post to go in-depth into incredulous stories that belong around the smoky campfire, filled with unbelievable twists and turns that cause you to sit there with your mouth gaping open like a toddler... yeah I got nothing for you. To my recollection there aren't any stories to tell, and that's okay; life isn't always the premise of a major motion picture that you see on the silver screen. Not every day has that, because often times it's truly a grind of normalcy and routine. I guess that's what I truly learned out of this whole deal: life isn't always exciting or flashy, and that's perfectly okay. It's good to slow down, take a deep breath and fill your lungs with the air that surrounds you, because it's another moment the Lord has let you live! How often do we forget each day, each hour, each minute... that those are truly gifts of God! I blogged several months ago about reflecting on the little things; that's kinda the crux of the matter. Reflecting on the small blessings in life and thanking the Lord for them. One way I want to better in 2025 is to complain less. Being in a mindset of thankfulness is the way to do that.

2025 is a big year for me in a lot of ways... turning 25, hitting top scale as a driver, five year anniversary. Lots of milestones and so much to be thankful for! This year, may the Lord help me to be thankful for all the moments no matter what the situation, to put the past in the rearview, and to be sold out for Him in all that I do!

Oh, and take some pretty dope pics.. yeah that would be pretty sweet too.

[philosophical]

How long did the tattoos on your butt take? Like how many visits???

So I only did two sessions: one for each side! I got the entire thing done - all of the lines, colours and shading in one sitting for each. Each sitting was five hours, so 10 hours total. I did the first side back in January this year and then a month later (February) once it was healed, I went and did the other side. I’m a tough bitch 🫶🏻

From what I’ve seen, most people only do lines and then go back and do shading and colour in future sessions. The reason being is how sensitive and painful that area is to tattoo. But I have a high pain tolerance (the perks of being a lifetime recovering self harmer, I guess) and I sat like a rock on the table. I just laid there and read a book in my kindle lol. So to me, it’s weird when I see girls here who have butt pieces that aren’t finished. My artists and the other artists in the shop said I intimated them because they watched me throughout the session and I didn’t blink, twitch or move at all through any pain. And they’ve said other people who get their butts done are whining and twitching and can’t stay still… 🫠🫢

Meanwhile, I’m insane and pain doesn’t bother me like I said, so I did it from start to fully finished in one go 😌

Here are some progress photos from when I got the second side done. From stencil, to line progress, to packing and saturating colour and then the end result before wrapping it up✨

Oh, and the even more insane thing? I then drove three hours home the next morning, as I went to Edmonton to get it done and I’m from Calgary. 🤭

[jorrmungandr]

(○｀ 3′○)

Uff-da fee-ta, I am exhausted.

Took a trip into Tacoma today to look at some apartments. I've been slowly winnowing down the places I'm interested in online, it's been tough, there are just so many available. And all pretty affordable, too.

Took the train in, that was fun. That'd be my new commute, streetcar to train, but I'd only do it like 2-3 times a week. I don't really need to be in the office as much as I am, I really only do it because it's so close so close that there's no reason not to.

First place I went was The Ruby, which is up in a quieter neighborhood right near a park, and a really nice grocery store. This is a brand new building, just opened last summer, and it's nice but a bit... small. Every place I looked at felt a bit claustrophobic. They're clearly trying to cram as many apartments in here as possible. But also it just feels kinda... shabby, somehow. Really nice views... from one side of the building, the other just looks over an alleyway (and the park).

The guy showing me around was nice, though. I dunno, it'd be the easiest choice. Very similar to where I am now, basically every floorplan is available, it'd be a painless process.

Went and got lunch at a place called the Art House Cafe, which is more of a sit-down-restaurant kind of cafe than the coffee shop I was hoping for. You just can't tell from google maps, sometimes. It was fine though, I got an eggnog latte and a tasty scramble.

Then I had some time to kill, and desperately needed to charge my phone. Went downtown, and found a little place to do so. There's like a weird open public common space in an old court building. A lot of Tacoma has this "preserved history" feel to it, honestly. I kinda like it.

Second place was The Astor, right in downtown Tacoma. Literally like across the street from a bunch of government offices. It's an old bank building, a skyscraper built in the '20s, just recently repurposed into apartments. They still have the vault in the basement, it's like a lounge now. Neat, but... a bit spooky.

The apartments were nice, but the one I was most interested in was taken literally hours earlier, someone else had a tour and applied on the spot that morning. I looked at another one-bedroom and a studio, which were nice but not the same.

The studio is probably what I'd go for... but it is a bit small, smaller than my current place. But I dunno, it would be nice and cozy, I could really fill the space.

I'm particularly tempted by this one because they're trying to fill it up, so they're doing a deal where you get two whole months of free rent if you move in in the next two weeks. My current lease isn't up until the end of February, but heck, I could just pay it and move, since I'd be living rent-free at the new place.

Went and got some of those Good Bagels at the Thriftway, then took the train back home. Much to think about. I'm definitely gonna sleep on it, at least. Maybe the floorplan I like would be available again in a couple months....

[marriedtomymarriage]

February 2nd, Sunday Morning

Driving Mr Angry

Context - Money & The Mother of His Children

He’s cut ties with the mother of his children, called her problematic, and asked me to never mention her again. I respected that! I’ve always felt for her. As a woman, I can imagine how tough it must be for her, stuck in Cuba while raising his kids without the real dad (she's married). If I were in her shoes, I’d understand the struggles. He’s not an emotionally present father, despite what he says. So for years I’d check in with her to get a better sense of how the kids were doing, since he tends to focus only on positives. He always talks about how he doesn't want to talk about other people's problems because he can't fix them. His daughter has ADHD, and as someone who suspects I might have it too, I was always curious about how she was coping. He never seemed to show much interest in learning more about her condition or how her therapy was going... Eventually, he asked me to stop checking in, so I did. I wouldn’t want him talking to an ex of mine too often either, so I respected his wish.

When it comes to sending money, I’m the one who usually has to bring it up. If I don’t, it can go months without it being sent. He’s told the kids not to talk about money with him, so it’s up to me to remind him. I’m not sure if he forgets or just doesn’t prioritize it, but I make sure it gets done.

On our way to the Laundry

I asked, “Should we send the money through your son's contact or the mother’s card like before?” That was all it took. He launched into his usual monologue, ranting about how he didn’t want to talk about her, but somehow still doing exactly that. The thing is that he repeats himself endlessly, and I know it’s going nowhere. So I interrupt, because my ears are not a toilet bowl, “If we don’t want to talk about her, we shouldn’t talk about her, babe. I understood the first time you said it. It's okay, and I'm sorry.”

And that’s when he snapped.

“I HAVE to say this. I’ve told you a million times not to bring her up, and yet here we are again!” Then I just went quiet, put my headphones back in, and hummed to my music. Hot Kiss by Juliette Lewis was playing, which made me wish to be kissing instead of... This. Then we just stayed quiet for the following hours. I can't tell him that the way he raised his voice at me while driving really hurt me because it will likely start another argument, which WILL lead to yet more yelling. So we just brushed it under the carpet- which is already quite full.

After the morning incident, we went on with our day. He worked outside on the cars, handling maintenance, cleaning, etc. Meanwhile I put away our fresh clean laundry and tidied the place up- things that calm me down. Then, I started cooking lunch- rice and chicken with onions and a saucy sauce. By the time I finished everything, it was around 3 PM. As I cleaned up our tiny kitchen, he comes in to have some ice cream- he sits down and we casually started talking, as if nothing had happened earlier.

I asked him if he was almost done with his work outside. But he is unable to answer simple questions. One of the reasons why I think I have ADHD- it drives me INSANE that he takes AGES to get the point and sometimes doesn't even do it. It's just vomiting word salad. Instead of saying yes or no, he gave a long response about how he always has stuff to do, like the work is never-ending. How he needs to put away the mess he did outside (naming every thing he did), then he needs to shower, shave his beard, prepare his uniform, etc. I asked AGAIN for a rough estimate of when he’d be finished. He finally said he’d probably be done around 20h (this is the time he literally closes his eyes to sleep). I was annoyed because I know he knew what I meant.

I made sure to not appear annoyed when I clarified, “No, when I asked, I meant when you’ll be done working so we can spend some time together- maybe watch a movie!” He hesitated for a moment and then said, “What time would you like to watch it?” I replied, “Any time that's convenient for you. I know you have a lot to do, so let me know when works best!” I didn’t want to pressure him. He then agreed to 16h (so within an hour).

At 16h he came in from outside, still in his overalls. I asked, “Aren’t you going to shower first? So you can relax and then we can watch the movie!" He said "No it's okay! I'm ready!" He even smiled, but still I could tell he wasn’t really interested. It 100% felt like he was doing it just to please me. Still, we settled on our chairs- I could sense he wasn’t engaged. The movie wasn’t great, so I joked about it, asking if he wanted to fast forward. He replied, “Nah, let’s see if it gets better.”

As we continued, I made more jokes about how bad the movie was, but he just stayed quiet. Usually, when we watch movies, we snack on something, but he didn’t ask for anything, which told me even more that he was not enjoying being there. Eventually, he paused the movie and said, “Let’s take a break. This movie is boring.” I asked if he wanted to watch something else- I prepared 2 other options for us. But he said "No, I don't really want to watch anything else." sounding very tired and almost annoyed.

He had already worked yesterday (Saturday), and now, even a simple movie with me seemed like too much for him. He went back outside to work on the cars some more. I felt completely unseen.

Later that night, we went to bed around 19h30 and as he watched something on his phone, I lay in his arms, and he caressed my scalp for about 30mins. It’s something he knows I like- honestly THE only thing he does that makes me melt. Then, at 20h sharp, we turned our phones off and went to sleep. Finally the "rest from work" he reffered to earlier.

[cuddleheatingco]

Survived January. I always feel the first three months of the year are like the song St.Patrick’s day by John Mayer. January is cold and you need to have someone to keep you warm. February is valentines so you need that dash of romance and by march if you’re not the right fit for each other you can break up because it’s St.Patricks day and no one needs to be a couple to celebrate that.

But I finally accomplished some things I wanted to in January with over a year of work completed I finally wrote my grade 9 history RCM exam. It’s one more step to becoming a teacher. :) for some reason it will take 6-8 weeks to grade and get back to me. But it’s done.

It was actually so much fun to start grade 10 RCM history today. I know I need grade 9 RCM harmony too but since we’re on a history kick might as well continue with that.

Am I the only one who finds adult friendships tough? To be honest most of my friends make it pretty easy but this year I’m considering shrinking my circle.

Like I mentioned in my previous posts I felt like I had that one friend who was using me. Well still haven’t heard from him and honestly I’ve just felt relief. I wish him the best but he’s way too much drama for me.

I had another friend from my current job that we’ve been drifting apart. I’ve done her some favours and tried to be there for her and never asked anything in return. But honestly I’m ready to just walk away from her. Last April I lent her $300 so she could treat her sick cat at her vets. I had it left over from a tax return and thought of I could help I would. She promised me it was a loan and she would pay it back when she could. Then things started to get really awkward between us. She’d never talk to me anymore and when I’d reach out to her it would be days before she’d respond if she would respond at all. That hurt but I figured she’s busy and things would settle. In about October or so I finally addressed the elephant and told her if she really couldn’t pay the loan back it would be fine. But I noticed she was avoiding me etc. she still insisted she would pay. So I said well then if you could please pay at least some of it back by January my 40th birthday I would really appreciate it as i would like to make the day special. Well that day came and went. Not a dime. And no mention of the money. Also over Facebook she sent out her wedding invitations. Somehow mine was “forgotten”. I was pretty hurt.I still believe in the good of people. But being so sick now I can’t afford to help anyone but myself.

I had to have a laugh I actually checked my junk mail folder the other day and found an email from a company called 7witches coven. I think a friend of mine might have sent me a charm from them years ago and they’re still bothering me. Anyways I had to read their online reviews and most of them were complaints about the spells not working etc.

I feel like when it comes to love you can’t force it and if you could would you really want to? There’s a reason people come in and out of your life. If you see the signs it’s time to let them go. Then let them go.

Muscles are getting less sore but still twitchy. I’m wondering if I’ll have a slight twitch for the rest of my life. When I optimistically asked my doctor how long I’d be taking the tardive dyskinesia medicine he sadly stated for the rest of your life. :(

No one can figure out the sweating yet. My endocrinologist said to contact an internal medicine doctor so I have so now I’m waiting for an appointment from them. I really hope they can solve this sweating. It’s literally so annoying to be “hot mess” all the time.

I’m also a bit worried about my parathyroid it’s about double the numbers it should be. I hope it’s not looking like another surgery. But no news is good news.

Tomorrow is groundhogs day. Which I think is one of the cruelest traditions going. The poor thing is hibernating and you poke it awake just for our entertainment?

But my mood is still holding firm. I have my moments of sadness but overall I feel February will be a good month!

[rose-riot-johnson]

Hey Tumblr Peeps... I do have an announcement🍡 While it did caught my attention that there are people who liked (some reblogged) the fanfics I did work on, for those who hasn't seen the requested fanfics completed yet and others who have noticed me reblogging and no new posts involve me as the op since probably the previous fanfic I have worked on December, 2024 (which was last month)... I was going to work on the requests that I planned on taking cared of and extra fanfics I wanted to do for fun, then I ended up being on hiatus (which I really wasn't expecting myself to do), because I really have gone through alot of stress in my personal life and my schedule has gotten busy for me, so busy schedule, stress (and feeling drained) from personal life, and setting too high of and/or too many expectations on myself, especially with completing things are likely the possible reasons why I've been mostly reblogging and having trouble with focusing on writing fanfics as of late... However sometime for the rest of this month or sometime next month (which next month is February, 2025) I do plan on coming back to writing fanfics again😃👍While I don't know how often I will work on them, I do plan on working on atleast a few fanfic projects 1st before I do go back to the requests, because I rather not rush to the requests yet until I know for sure🤔I am still going to leave the requests opened, despite of not wanting to rush back to the requests right away tough🦋 There's something else I do plan on going back to sometime, even though I'm not promising anything pertaining this... Those who are familiar with me doing art (I believe mainly) in 2021, there's a chance I could come back to doing art and posting about them... Sadly I didn't think of hashtagging them for those who are curious... I will say this with my older art I did do 3 signatures and there was 1 artwork I did change 1 of my signatures on, then changes kept happening, so if I do come back with doing art, any new artwork that I put signatures on will have 2 signatures instead of 3 signatures... Also with my older posts pertaining my artwork if I do end up finding them or I see in my notifications with my older artworks I will reblog and put some hashtags in that post pertaining my older artworks, otherwise when I do get around to it I might post about my older artworks, just incase any1 is not familiar with them... There is 1 character I have worked on with art with in 2021 who I'm iffy about reblogging or do another post on, because while I noticed there are alot who seem to like him according to 1 of the polls from last year I did pertaining my smut series I worked on, however I did notice alot of people hate him, as well unfortunately, so I do get careful how often I reblog or post about him, unless it's requested.... Other than that, I would definitely be fine with posting (again) and/or reblogging pertaining my older artworks that I did😃👍

*post done on (1/18/2025)

[zenkitsune]

Rambling on the Last Sunday of 2024 ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

Brief mentions of otome, journaling, fav youtubers, and art commissions ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

There's nothing special about it being the last Sunday of 2024 other than I just now realized it :3

So far today, it has been very relaxing. I spent most of my morning prepping to open commissions for the first time soon! I've always been nervous about opening commissions for many common reasons, but now I gotta bite the bullet. Especially since student loans is gonna start kicking my butt next month- It's gonna be tough possibly doing commissions, working full time in retail, and pursuing other art related stuff, but I'm optimistic (as I am writing this 〒▽〒) that'll it'll work out. I honestly just gotta take care of myself properly and it'll me good!

Now for other fun stuff (imo) that I did this morning!

I started doing stuff in my journal again! This specific journal I have is one I have owned for many years, but I've finally been showing it more love this year. I might talk about it more in the future because it makes me happy to look at, but here's what I did today.

On the left side, I started planning out all the fanart stuff I wanna try next year, month by month. Fanart is something I have rarely done because I was afraid of not bringing justice to the characters, but I have been more open to doing it lately. I also really wanna share my love for the media I adore to everyone.

It's hard to see what is what because of the lighting, but I'm gonna be very flexible with this list. January will be Haikyu because I have been reading the manga lately and it's been a slight hyperfixation for a couple of months~

I also listed when I wanna work on volumes of my "Otome for my Sins" zine! Something else I might talk about later too, but I just finished volume 1 of the series recently (which is an introduction) and will continue with volume 2, which hopefully I can complete by February. I will be talking about one of my first otome games, Ikemen Revolution! Ray is my favorite I love him so much and miss him and I'm still salty at Cybird-

Also if any otome lovers see this, if you know of any otome related zines please send them my way, I would love to read them 🥺

On the right side of my journal, I pasted some sticky notes I got from the limited edition Sweat & Soap volume 6 <3 I learned a new Japanese work today! ふせん or fusen means sticky note! I mentioned that in a previous post I would be too afraid to use them, but now that I pasted them into my journal as an archive, I'm not as scared anymore! I got this idea of having an archive of your stationary from Emirichu from youtube! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pqrHUPDxuU&t=313s

Speaking of youtube, a video and a youtuber that have given me comfort today is the strawberry jam dreams video from ymlovely! I love her videos because it's very retro, aesthetically pleasing, relatable, and comforting. Here's her channel <3

That's enough rambles for now :3

[multistanisms]

No one talks about how tough it is to go No Contact with someone and stand your ground on that choice because you're tired of giving a person chances.

Short Version: Around mid-February, I decided to go no contact with one of my younger sisters. This was not long after our youngest sibling got married, and the sister I chose to cut contact with made a huge deal out of what was apparently nothing. After years of the toxicity, this was where I finally said 'enough'.

Below the cut is just more insight/history into this decision, you don't have to read it, but it explains the build up to the decision I made. It is an extremely long post because as mentioned, it took literal years before I made this call simply because she was my sister. There may be some triggering content, although I'm not sure how bad it would be, so please take care if you choose to read.

Long Version: This sister, we'll call her R, was fine growing up, until the seventh grade, when she started this "camp". While at this camp she found religion [no big deal, right?], but it changed her very negatively. The woman who ran the camp convinced my sister that because she had found religion, she was superior to the rest of her family. That we owed her the lifestyle of a upper-middle class/upper class individual. That she had no reason to do anything that didn't come directly from or as a suggestion from this woman. I'm talking my sister no longer did homework until the last possible second to help at this place and then blamed my parents and I because we had jobs and couldn't call out of work to help her with things she had known about for at least a week, refused to do chores of any kind, etc.

In her freshman year, she started making tips for helping out at the camp, and increased how often she went, then demanded my parents and I pay all expenses to drive her back and forth to this camp every other weekend despite none of us being allowed to stay the weekend in the guest house where my sister stayed. This camp was a three hour drive from our home and we could not afford a hotel every other weekend in an attempt to save the gas, nor could we get/rotate every third weekend off at our jobs to take her. So we would have to drive her to the camp Friday after school, drive back home that night, then drive all the way back out to get her Sunday afternoon/evening so she could go to school. After about four months, we started asking her to at least use some of her tips [she was making at least $150-$200 every other weekend] to chip in on paying for some of the gas it took to constantly be making this trip for her. She argued about it, and I stepped in to remind her that we were not obligated to take her to this camp, how her grades were suffering because her entire focus was the camp and she needed to put her education as a priority over the camp and the woman who ran it.

She punched me. I fought back. My dad pulled us apart. Depite that, R continued to focus all on the camp, now claiming she was taking homework with her to work on during her downtime at the camp. Any time we told her we couldn't afford the gas to take her, she'd have the woman or her husband drive to our house to get her and they would bring her back. By the time she graduated, she was pissed because her twin, I'll call her S, (who had been behind her in class rank from the start of middle school) had not only managed to match her academically, but had surpassed her in class rank by a large margin, and it who did R blame? Our parents and I. We were the reason because we "refused" to help her with her studies, despite us saying she needed to cut down on the time spent at the camp so she could study and we could help her. She then announced that she would be moving into the guest house at the camp after graduation. We had a family talk about it, both my parents and I making sure this was what she wanted going forward. She said she was sure, and that the woman had connections to get her into a really good college. We agreed that if it was what she wanted to do, we would support her. The day after graduation, the woman and her husband showed up with a trailer and helped R take all of her stuff to the camp, wouldn't let us help her or anything. The woman's "really good college" was just a community college, but at least my sister could get her basics out of the way before trying for a college where she could specialize in teaching, which is what she wanted to do.

R has lived in that area since, the only one further than an hour from the rest of the family. When she started dating her now fiancé, things got much more tense between everyone. Rather than telling us herself, her boyfriend found our mother on facebook and proceeded to message her letting her know his name and that he had spent the weekend "fucking her daughter". When she called R, R saw nothing wrong in that being how her boyfriend introduced himself to her parents. She insisted we all meet up so he could meet everyone, we all made arrangements to have a family game night with pizza and soda at the apartment that S and I had. She arrived about an hour before her boyfriend, things were fine. Everyone was having a good time together.

Until my front door opened and her boyfriend just let himself inside.

I immediately was up, ready to fight an intruder, and asked who he thought he was. He proceeded to say we were expecting him, so he saw no problem with just walking in. I asked if it was his home, and he replied with "no, but you were expecting me." That particular exchange happened three times before R was finally like 'what do you do when you go to a stranger's house?' It seemed like only then did he realize. I told him he was going back outside and knocking like a person who at least wanted to attempt to make a good second chance first impression on his girlfriend's family. He didn't like that, but did as I said and according to R his mood was ruined for the night because I "treated him like a child". I told her I didn't care if his mood was ruined because he crossed a very obvious boundary and I stood my ground on making sure he knew he was to respect those boundaries moving forward. Then our youngest sister, let's call her F, went to spend a weekend with her, and this boyfriend really hit a red flag.

While my sister wen out to grab groceries, he went to her room, came back with a d*ldo, turned it on and proceeded to set it in my youngest sister's lap. Not only that, he manipulated F into faking a text message conversation where she acted like she was interested in him/wanted him to cheat on R with her...because he really liked and enjoyed seeing my sister jealous and angry. Even after he told R it was a joke, she was furious at F for months while he got a free pass despite it being his idea/manipulation. He then successfully came between her and every friend she had made through work and school in the area, isolating her from a support system that wasn't him. Even the woman who ran the camp didn't want my sister there if he was around. We did our best to be accepting of this guy, but the way he treated R was just so aggravating, it was hard for me to see all the red flags (having gone through it myself) and how willing she was to ignore them, but I kept my mouth shut because she was happy/

Not long after, she caught covid in its height, and instead of trying to work with her landlord about help during it, getting help from her boyfriend (he didn't live with her because "his grandparents wouldn't let him move out"), she did nothing to try and help herself. Even after calling and asking for the family advice - where we all told her to let her landlord, light company, etc. know she had covid and would need help because we couldn't afford to help her pay all her bills plus the bills we all had to take care of (S and I had a place, F had a place with her then gf, and our parents had a place - all of them with rent/lights/internet/food/water, plus my parents and I both had car payments). She finally made a decision to move back home when she found out she was about to be evicted for nonpayment of rent, and her twin and I offered to let her stay with us; we only gave three conditions.

1 - No animals (we were at max capacity for animals in my apartment with my ESA and her twin's two cats), 2 - she had to find work to help with bills, and 3 - she would have to be put on the lease. She agreed to these conditions, and we began preparing to have a third person in the apartment. But when she showed up, she had a dog - a stray she had taken in after agreeing to the conditions. She also wasn't trying to potty train the dog or anything. We let her know the dog would either have to go back with her boyfriend, or we would have to give him to a shelter. She argued with us over it, and in the end, we let the dog stay overnight so we could figure out what to do in the morning.

The dog tormented S' cats all day the day before when they arrived, as well as antagonizing my dog, and eventually one cat refused to come out from under the couch, not even to eat, because of this stray dog going after him. R also put my dog in his kennel as soon as I left for work that afternoon, so her stray could roam the apartment as he pleased, peeing and shitting wherever he liked. When I got home, I made a point of reminding her that my dog lived here, that the stray should not have even been brought, and that we needed to decide what to do with it. S said that the stray would have to be taken outside to go to the bathroom, her boyfriend literally laughed in our faces and said 'yeah, no, he doesn't go to the bathroom outside'. I looked him in the eye and told him that if that were the case, he was taking the dog back with him. My sister did not like how final I was about it, and started yelling at me.

I simply explained to her that we had already told her that she wasn't allowed to bring any animals as part of us allowing her to stay with us while she got back on her feet. Then she tried to say it wasn't fair because S' cat was tormenting her dog and that we were disrespecting her by not allowing her to keep the dog (again, she picked up this stray after agreeing to our condition of no animals). Her twin did not take kindly to that, and even though I tried to resolve the situation calmly, R kept going, eventually saying that she would have to be there if S and I had just given her money to fix her bank account and pay bills instead of our hobbies. S finally told her to get the fuck out, because if anyone was being disrespectful, it was R for blatantly ignoring the rules we put in place just because she felt she was entitled to whatever she wanted, on top of thinking we owed it to her to fix where she refused to help herself. When R began putting stuff back in her car, her boyfriend turned on a dime and was suddenly trying to be intimidating and cruel, getting into our personal space and being condescending as he told us he couldn't believe we were refusing to help his girlfriend in her time of need (as if he was doing anything for her himself besides egging on the arguments). As soon as she came back in for another box, the switch flipped and he was back to acting aloof and unintelligent, which only further made me concerned about him.

We didn't hear from them for months until close to this time of year, when my sister made a group chat for the family asking all of us to cook Thanksgiving dinner items and bring them with us to her place so she could host; that she would do the turkey, rolls and mashed potatoes and we could do the rest. Literally everyone was like 'you want us to cook and then bring the rest of the food to you? Three hours away? When you and your boyfriend are the only ones that far out?' She said it was only fair we make the food and bring it with us, since she "was only one person and couldn't cook everything day of". We tried to explain that while we understood she wanted to host, a big part of the responsibility of hosting a holiday was meal prep and cooking. We offered to send her money to make sure ingredients were gotten and even said a couple of us could go down a few days before to help set up and arrange the food as well as start the actual cooking with her. She refused to let anyone come before Thanksgiving day because her boyfriend would be there and she didn't trust us around him, which threw all of us off. Then her boyfriend chimed in saying how dare we purposely isolate R and make her feel unwelcome in the family just because we want to be lazy and not cook and take advantage of her kindness. I spoke up and merely stated 'if offering to come days in advance to help with shopping and cooking is being lazy and taking advantage, I can't imagine what being considerate is to you'.

Her boyfriend demanded an apology for my 'being disrespectful to him' in a group setting, and I promptly reminded him of his in person disrespect to not just me, but my entire family when we first met him. My sister said I should apologize cuz he was her boyfriend and a part of the family now. I outright said no, because S and I still had no apology from the incident where we went out of our way to help and got thoroughly disrespected and R and her bf attempted to use us as doormats. R then got angry, demanding to know what it was she had to apologize for because she had been at rock bottom at that point and we threw her out. S then reminded her why we asked them to leave; that R agreed to our very simple conditions, how she ignored them regardless, how she had demanded that we fix her situation for her because we were holding our ground on the conditions and she didn't like it. R's boyfriend then said he didn't want R around any of us, since clearly we were just abusive to her and only wanted to hurt her. R agreed and we haven't seen them for a holiday since then, and it's been about three years now. Which is fine, trying to be cheerful when R wants everything to center around her is more draining than working OT at a DMV.

Apparently R managed to patch things with F, to the point that F asked her to be in the wedding party in February of this year. Okay cool. My sister is getting married, I'm happy for her. F put me in the wedding and then took me out over and over again, and finally I didn't even know if I was or not, so I just assumed I wasn't and went on my way. Then a week before the wedding, I got TOLD, not asked, by F that since I'm the only one with a TABC license, I had to man the bar at the reception. Day of I did my best to stay for the entire reception, but between the loud music, lack of food (I had only eaten a small plate of snacks I managed to sneak from the food table) and the noise of so many people talking and laughing while I was literally by myself in a little room handing out the occasional alcoholic beverage, I ended up getting a migraine and started asking about last rounds. I let F know that I had a migraine and needed to go so I could make it home safely, and she told me to be safe and let her know I got home. I said my goodbyes, gave out a last round, and went home - let F I made it safe as promised. No big deal.

Until the next day, when R decided to yell and scream at our parents for being so disrespectful because they didn't only talk about F and her new spouse during the reception. She also let them know how disrespected and disgusted F was with me for not fulfilling my role of the wedding as bartender, and how ungrateful I clearly was to have been chosen to be in the wedding at all (not sure being a last minute bartender counts as being in the wedding, but whatever). That we obviously didn't care about making the wedding about F and her spouse, only about us. When I heard this, I talked to F, who was very confused, but told me that she wasn't upset with me at all. She asked who told me that but I wouldn't tell, saying I just wanted to make certain I hadn't been disrespectful by asking to leave early because of my migraine (which I was still fighting at that point). F also confirmed that she and her spouse didn't care that the reception hadn't been only about them; it was essentially a party after the fact and no one was solely focused on them anyway. Nor was anyone really drinking, so my leaving an hour and a half early was no issue. After this incident, I decided to cut contact with R and her boyfriend, all but one way of communicating with me is blocked. She can still message/call me through snapchat - which she does with F all the time - she just chooses not to.

~*~*~

This will be the first holiday where I am actually no contact with her, and while I know my other siblings are making plans to go see her and such, I'm not surprised in the slightest. I gave R so many chances simply because 'that's your sister' and 'she's family' but every time I've given that chance, she's stomped on it like a bug. She can't make our parents the villain because she's conned our mother into giving her and her boyfriend [now fiancé] free decor for their wedding and she needs that free stuff. She managed to get back into F's good graces (I guess S' as well since S is apparently also trying to go with F to see R), so they can't be the bad guys. So the villain in her fairytale world is me. If that's what she wants me to be to make herself feel better, then so be it. I'm not apologizing for prioritizing myself, not anymore.

Looking back just makes it depressing. Blood family really isn't anything if they act like this, and I regret all the chances I gave to be treated like a doormat.

[raccooninaraincoat]

Here comes the promised rant, on why William Birkin (and the rest of the Umbrella employees in the NEST in the re2 remake) are even worse disgusting filthy scumbags than you had thought:

So, you know how the virus actively running rampant in raccoon city is the T-Virus, yes? And in the NEST, they also experimented on the G-Virus.

According to the file "Report: About G" (Not sure where specifically it is anymore but somewhere in NEST) the intelligence of a subject declines rapidly upon infection, and, which is where it gets interesting: they are driven only by the need to survive and reproduce.

It will instinctively search out Humans with the closest match to it's DNA and implant an embryo in them. Which is already disgusting in it's own right, since it means that the g-virus is badically a breeding machine with super strength (and absolutely no care of perception of consent or anything of the sorts).

AND IT GETS WORSE. Because, and I quote: "[...] the only ones who might be a close enough match would be any biological children of the subject, tough..." (-Report: About G)

If you play the Claire Route, and eventually end up in the Orphanage, then you'll find diaries of a few of the kids that previously lived there. One of them is quite important for my little rant here, and that is Tom's Diary.

On the first entry, Feb. 5, he expresses disappointment that his friend Oliver hadn't written him any letters since he got adopted 2 months back, which seems to happen whenever a kid is adopted. Still it upsets him in this very case because he thought he and Oliver would be friends for life.

On the next page, the entry of Feb. 8, he mentions that today Ann came to the orphanage and told them that the kids that get "adopted" are actually turned into food for the "boogie men". He dismisses it as just a story, but it's quite clear what is implied here: They send literal children into the NEST and infect them with the T-Virus for research purposes.

This is further enforced in Tom's Diary, Page 6/6, Feb. 19:

"Oliver came back in the middle of the night, all messed up, screaming help me and stuff. I didn't even recognize him at first; his face was all peeling and melted off. [...]"

which by itself would only imply that Oliver got infected with the T-virus. However in NEST, in the file "Research diary", Page 4/4 "T-Virus resistance experimentation" we get this nice little text:

"We administered G-Virus to subject 628, who had shown resistance to the T-Virus. The Virus was then introduced to subject 639, with whom 628 had had a close friendship. 628 showed some signs of resistance, but had been implanted with an embryo after 24 minutes. T-Virus resistance does nothing to stop the mental detoriation caused by the G-Virus."

Now, it's quite easy to identify that these subjects are most certainly Oliver (628) and Tom (639) because of what is mentioned in Tims Diary entry Feb. 5.

The difference in their subject numbers makes sense too. between Olivers "adoption", and Toms first diary entry, roguhly two months go by, and by the time that Tom gets "adopted" too, which he writes about in the entry of Feb. 14 ("I'm getting adopted. Me. Most people go for younger kids, so I figured I was too old. [...] I say goodbye to this place on the 20th. [...]") So, if Oliver got "adopted" in early december, and Tom in mid/late february, then it makes sense for there to have gone other kids inbetween.

Funfact, the reason Tom is adopted is most likely because in Feb. 13, he's getting suspicious of the orphanage because of how isolated they are, and how they seem to get a lot of shots (probably T-Virus desensitisation for further experiments, or immunisation in case of contamination like when Oliver escapes NEST and seeks help in the orphanage)

The conclusion of all the stuff I just quoted is severely less fun. Because the picture that all these bits of canon info paint is a quite disturbing one.

William and Annette Birkin (Who, as I'd like to remind you, let their daughter stay up there in that orphanage) and the rest of the NEST scientists experiment on Kids. With the G-Virus, amongst other things.

And that is so SO fucking disgusting. The entirety of thsoe experiments is inhumane and absolutely vile, but dragging literal children into it, especially to implant them with Virus embryos (which I needn't elaborate on further), makes it so so much worse.

and unfortunately, it's not even surprising, because the "Chimeras" from the first Resident Evil, were created by picking homeless women of the street and forcefully impregnating them with modified embryos made from grafting t-virus strains with animal DNA.

Conclusion: Umbrella is beyond disgusting and even worse than most people even realise, and I have nothing but absolute hatred for their scientists.

I wonder how many people play re2r and just do not realise what abhorrent vile things went down in that lab-

It's pretty easy to miss, but if you're like me (autistic and severely hyperfixated on resident evil) you go out of your way to find collected archives of all in game file (there's an app that has all the files, items, characters and mobs from the respective games, it's called Resident Evil Comoanion and I love it dearly) then you realise the full weight if what you read/skim trough while playing the game.

And I mean- obviously things down there are gonna be morally wrong and absolutely terrible, but the extent of that- dear god. William Birkin and everyone else that worked in that lab are absolutely disgusting. But like, especially him Annette. Like, they have a DAUGHTER. They have A CHILD OF THEIR OWN. A CHILD THAT LIVES UP IN THE DAMN ORPHANAGE, WITH THOSE VERY CHILDREN.

(I will probably add a more elaborate post going into more detail for just what I'm talking abt at some point but I had to get this out of my system for now cause literally noone I know is into Resident evil and I cannot stop thinking about how disgusting the G-Virus experiments are.)