#and - to get back to the point - if any country in earth within my lifetime does that to the Palestinian diaspora I'm going to be furious

[angelofthemornings]

When I am an old Irish-American I don't want to hear anybody in the world who wasn't here for these times say "Many Palestinians left their homeland to seek jobs and new opportunities :)"

[ao3wasntenough]

Allspark Sam brainrot

The mentally ill transformer urge gripped me again.

Anyway, the idea involves the concept of Sam still having allspark energy dormant in him, that energy eventually needing to reformat its host yet adapt to the planet and era it’s now in and this changing Sam and Jazz reanimation being Sam's first allspark achievement.

its going to be a long one,

feel free to use anything

its a lot of rambling have fun lol

this kinda happens after the first two movies but its whatever suits my narrative :p

The Autobots in have left earth with what remains of the physical cube allspark, this is more then the shard from the movies but idc to think about it to much. It’s enough to give off allspark energy and the autobots just hope the Decepticons follow it back with them. They don’t. Megatron knows what remains of Cybertron is useless and frail remnants and what Allspark power does remain is finite and probably just had deleted records. So they stay on earth and start integrating humanities world powers into controllable forces. They can’t say “conquering” because then humans become violently resistant so Megatron relies on a slow methodical take over that humans just think is all under control by their side. (It’s not)

By this point the autobots had practically ghosted Samuel for two years before departure so he’s pretty much just dealing with the embers of having your life ruined, hobbled back together with help and then those who helped hobble something together again abandon you. But Sam would swear he understood what Optimus did. Logic and all that he can’t comprehend as a human and stuff, and Bee always told Sam it was his pride how well he ha stayed by primes side through it all, no merger human lifetime would make a difference. Sam is on a long drive cross country to once again move location, he doesn’t want to know what could happen if he’s put in the hands of any government with his acute sense of paranoia that all government one way or another is being overseen by Megatron. And Megatron has a long history of holding grudges.

what is relevant is that Sam is in a confined space.

Because abruptly energy rapidly starts generating inside him. Ancient energy older the earth, uses Samuel Witwicky as an anchor across time and space to reforge. Due to Sam being in a confided space the energy is forced to reforge and reformat with Sam within the car, using the anchors understanding of mass and the fact he does know what a cybertronian is and has the idea of what they look like Sam is transformed into a bot. larger then a human but stunted and smaller then what could be expected of that much raw constructive energy.

Sam is left travelling across earth, in a weird haze of dissociation and vividly living through the archived history in the allspark, settling down once again. Sam has no idea how to transform or what allspark transformation should look like so he's left footing it from both humans and Decepticons trying to come to terms that there is no help but every element of his anatomy now screams about running now the allspark is able of independent moving, with very little ability to tell the difference from anything approaching him.

Stuck exploring history and what's real and what has been Sam decides to chase a ghost he knows himself and finds the deserted base Jazz's remains. Well he hoped the remains were there, never told exactly where they were hope is all Sam has to chase. He's lucky because Jazz is there, dead and ripped apart but its the closest Sam has been to anything familiar in 3 years. The raw power and emotionally driven energy the allsamspark releases seeks out beyond space and reaches into the well and grabs onto that familiar feeling of Jazz Sams memories can generate and reforge and reignite Jazz's body and spark.

Jazz is feels just as lost as Sam has been upon resurrection. And its obvious Sam realizes the hell his woken Jazz back to. But as they get away from Jazz's old tomb, and Jazz travels with Sam and comes to a few thoughts

the goal was always find and keep the allspark outta the wrong hands, so keeping an eye on mr AllsparkWicky (Jazz takes to coming up with and using nicknames for Sam, seems to help him feel a little more like a self then a nexus point of energy and get something of a smile on his faceplates) is generally the logical thing to do and also feels like the right thing to do.

SparkSam spends a lot of time lost to things Jazz can only imagine and a regular bot would probably feel awed to be watching the Allspark observe anything Jazz can almost feel the turmoil it makes Sam feel in his own spark.

If no autobots are coming back hes glad Spam has an the ability to run like a bat outta hell and doesnt feel the need to run from Jazz

unknowingly to Sam and Jazz, the bat outta hell instinct not being triggered because the allspark energy took the choosing of Jazz to respark as quota enough to run the allspark guardian protocol. A spark he now knowingly trusts to guide and help protect him . And that now Jazz is marked to the spark as a guardian of the new allspark. Visually indicated by a new set of guardian sigils only Sam could ever truly decode and understand.

the idea that the Allspark has its own language and system code, that the matrix and prime are given a cypher code to understand to some degree. And Sam as a reformat of the Allspark has created a new codex.

i have a bunch of more ideas and things i wanna think about so maybe ill write more, nice to just get the basics outta my head

[yoshkeii]

"𝙵𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚍 𝙿𝚎𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚜"

࿐ character(s): Daichi Sawamura, Asahi Azumane

࿐ genre: sfw, soft/fluff

࿐ type: (au) headcanons

࿐ requested by: anon

⌦ boyfriend male!reader (he/him)

⌦ genshin impact x haikyuu!!, modern settings

⌦ ‘can i request an au headcanon (basically genshin impact x haikyuu!!, modern settings, but the vision bearers are rarer than post traveler time and there's still spiral abyss where vision bearers help discovering new information and artifacts, and getting paid from their country for that) So, daichi and asahi's boyfriend(a vision bearer, which element is up to you to decide.)(also separetly) reacts that their boyfriend just give them an old flower artifact that he found that reminds male!reader of his boyfriend‘

A/N: an interesting concept !! thank you for requesting, im not good with reactions but- ihopethisisokay,, i dont think i did well on this,, khai writes hcs weirdly pt. who fucking knows.

asahi azumane’s give flower: wanderer’s troupe or viridescent venerer

𝙳𝚊𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚒:

》 staring at the rosy-red petaled flower that was supposedly made into a brooch, a piece missing that would make the item stay on the wearer. your eyes glossed over the item, identifying cracks and scratches on the metallic bronze pieces that accompanied the ordinary looking flower, that somehow was in one piece. just... slightly off-colored. before jumping as your name was called by another vision-bearer with two others by the way towards the exit of the Abyss floor, you began to hurry over to them as you gently slid the “Gladiator’s Nostalgia” into your pouch. the name you had read before within a dusty journal, remembering it so clearly with a much vibrant image than the real one you had now. but it oh, so reminded you of your beloved boyfriend, the one waiting for you at your shared home. 《

→ Daichi didn’t know he would be dating a vision-bearer, no one would’ve thought of a thing really. they were such a rare sight to see out in public- especially in the modern days. but that only just added to the many surprises you came home with after your days of working in the “Spiral Abyss” is what they call it.

→ giving him the faded-out red flower as soon as you walked through the front door, a bright smile across your face, was a sight he would never get tired of. except the slight worriedness would built up seeing scratches n bruises along your skin the more he stared...

→ eventually leading him to treating your injuries properly, maybe a slight scold or lecture here and there-

→ “Love, you know you have to be careful. Especially with fire! I know you have a Pyro vision, but that doesn’t mean mess around- and play with fire itself- You aren’t immune to it.” “..even worse that you tried using your abilities to cook..”

→ “He-hey it was a one time thing-!! and I was really curious ‘Muraaa..” you whined, wincing and pulling your face away with a pout as Daichi pressed a cotton swab onto the cut along your cheek.

→ “Yeah yeah, lil’ember.” He muttered the nickname, swiping a thumb over the bandaid to cover the cut. “..there you are done, now go get a change of clothes dirty boy- I have to put the first aid stuff away.”

→ seeing you disappear pass the door frame of your shared room, he went back to pack and close the first aid kit. before his eyes wandered towards the flower you had given him earlier, which was just idly sitting there on the counter. Daichi picked up the flower holding it gently in his palms, feeling the petals with his free hand.

→ he stared at the flower for a long moment, observing the petals before noticing the scratches on the metal pieces attached to the brooch. he smile gently, beginning to realize this was a gift to him, a gift that you gave and probably risked your life to nag. 

→ sighing deeply at the thought of you getting hurt, knowing how clumsy you can be, he went off to the shared room where you would be. just to make sure you dont... do something stupid.

→ “Y/N?” Daichi had softly called out, seeing your head peek out from the closet as you slid a shirt on. he motioned his hands upwards a little, still holding the faded-brooch in his palms. 

→ “Oh! The Gladiator’s Nostalgia? The flower, do you like it??” the way you had ecstatically replied, he could imagine a puppy’s tail wagging so fast. your eyes shimmering as you awaited his answer.

→ “I love it, ember, it was really nice of you to give it to me.” “..although I hope you didn’t get hurt too much... to achieve it. I bet this was hard to get-” He spoke softly, genuine about the words slipping through his lips.

→ “Well actually... not really-” seeing Daichi look at you in confusion, “..I’ve seen that artifact set a lot on my runs with my team, but are often- broken’n’damaged. So I- I could never give you one-” “There’s also different ones apart of the same set for yours!! I might try to collect the others for you... or more.. flowers..”

→ “Wa-wait-,, there’s more-?” he longed on his question, before he could let out another word he noticed how you started to ramble. talking about interesting details of the items you could get him on your adventures and battles, and all he did was listen. settling down on the edge of the bed while you went on.

→ you were so passionate with your job, what you were doing as a vision-bearer. it’s what he liked about you, or well... loved about you. although he wonder if every Vision-bearer were the same, he’d still take you, . date you, just as who you are. with, or without a vision. and ofc he will keep an eye on what gifts you decide to give him in the mere future.

𝙰𝚜𝚊𝚑𝚒:

》 being an Anemo Vision bearer, your able to adapt and flow with whatever could come your way. making elements spread across the battlefield with one set of moves or to crowd-control them into one spot for the others to strike the unfortunate foes. time to time you would stumble upon the “Viridescent Venerer” set in the fallen loot of opponents or the scuffed chests that were stashed at the end of battles. they looked so different than most artifacts, especially the flowers. common artifacts were genuine real flowers, making them have the same aspect as any other flower, withering and fading into nothing but dull-bland colors. but the Viridescent Venerer’s flower did not, it was just a white wild flower that used to cover the earth. and it has not withered one bit, and still gives off an exquisite fragrance you noticed as the times you ran by it... and well of course noticed it as the scent was what you usually smelled since you had one as part of your outfit. 《

→ Asahi had always pointed out the flower on your outfit, the “In Remembrance of Viridescent Fields“ is what the books would title it, but in short you just called it the Viridescent Venerer flower or just... Viridescent for Asahi’s sake.

→ he had always complimented on how it looked beautiful and pretty, especially when his beloved boyfriend is wearing it. 

→ as days of works and floors of the Spiral Abyss, you managed to find a new piece of the Viridescent to use. unlike discarding the one you currently you had, you had an idea that came into mind, finding you sliding the newer artifact into your bag before leaving off to home. a smile brought onto your face.

→ now cuddling in each others presence, you both chatted about your days. already cleaned yourself up from your days works. hand in hand with soft laughter erupting from both of you, before it died off into comfortable silence.

→ “Azumane, love?” you simply called out, knowing you caught his attention instantly as you felt movement from him. “You certainly like the flower on my fit.”

→ “Well it really is- pretty. Like knowing how regular and most flowers wilt and wither- That one hasn’t! An-And I believe its the same one you wore the day we met too-” he noted.

→ to only be surprised at his memory of these types of things, you laughed- making him startled and a bit embarrassed.

→ “You sure have quite the memory, to even remember that image? I’m impressed, so I assume... it has caught your eye since the start? Just like I was to your own vision~” you cooed, getting up from his grasps before disappearing pass a corner of a wall.

→ confusion expressed on Asahi’s face, sitting up from his position on the couch before his eyes caught the glimpse of the Viridescent in your hand.

→ sitting on the edge of the couch, you motioned the flower towards him, a gentle smile across your face.

→ “I would simply like you to have mine then, it is quite old- and worn from the times I’ve had it through my lifetime. But I think it’ll be a nice gift from me to you.”

→ hearing the words being slipped passed your mouth, he felt tears daring to fall from his eyes- Asahi did not know why. but imagining keeping the Viridescent you had for who knew how long-

→ it would be something he would cherish, something he wouldnt let go.

→ exchanging gentle kisses across your face in exchange, trying his best not to cry the joy. because it was so touching- so simple yet so poetic to give. he didn’t think he deserved one.

→ and from that afternoon, Asahi had kept it. he had kept it safe and sound, bringing it with him whenever you were never there. so he had something to calm him down in anxious moments. he had a memory of you in a flower that would never wither.

[imagine-lcorp]

Written In The Stars (One Shot)

Request

Hi! Can I request something like Lena falling in love with an alien reader?

A/N: Hey guys!!! First one shot of the year!!! Let’s hope we can keep the rhythm this time...also I broke my phone so I’ll probably be less active on the app...the writing is still going tho so yaaay! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this one and as always, let me know what you think! Love ya beautiful people! 

Lena Luthor x Alien!R//Word Count: 2,204 -------------------------------------------------------

When she was younger, Lena Luthor used to look at the night sky with infinite awe. The map of stars that hung above the Earth had been the place where she could find solace and a sense of peace. The stars were never alone, always needing one another to form their constellations. They reminded her she was also not alone even if it seemed like it.

However, as she grew up most of that wonder translated into scientific interest, which started to diminish as she found herself enthralled by more practical sciences. The sky, as vast as it was, was a mystery she recognized she couldn't unravel in her lifetime. She needed to focus on more earthly things, but she was content to be another curious viewer of such canvas of light.

Being a curious viewer, however, was something that changed abruptly when the existence of extraterrestrial life was proven by no other than Superman. Even more when it was known the Earth had been a refuge for many more aliens than it was possible to believe. The stars had reached the Earth, and they came bearing their own cosmic forms of life.

The population had been divided between those that accepted and welcomed the space travelers and those that rejected the idea, defending their right to their land and planet, fearful of an unstoppable invasion, living with the enemy and whatnot. For a while, Lena found the latter to be a matter of great concern. She wanted people to feel safe and believed they had the right to know who among them was or not an alien.

It wasn't until Kara came to knock that idea off, presenting her with an alternative story and reminding her that those aliens too had a right to their own freedom. She opened her eyes to the reality most of them lived. They were mmigrants of desolated planets, seeking shelter from wars and just like Superman, seeking a new home after their planets had been shattered. There were a few bad seeds, yes, but most of them were only looking for a better life. Wasn't that enough to give them a vote of confidence?

Her alien detection device was then transformed into an image inducer, a new gadget that helped aliens conceal their true appearance if they wished to look physically human. It was great to blend with the crowd, and it was a great success in the alien market.

"Miss Luthor, Kara Danvers is waiting for you in the conference room." Jess told her one day as she arrived to the office.

"Kara?" She found herself surprised by the sudden visit of the journalist. "Does she want another interview?"

"No, she has come along with someone else. She said she only needed a few minutes with you."

"Alright." Lena said leaving her purse on her desk and taking a couple of files from Jess to revise them later. "Let's see what it is."

Lena Luthor entered her conference room to find two figures chatting amicably at the room table. One she could recognize immediately, with her golden locks and bright smile, the other she had no idea who it was but as soon as your eyes were on her she was curious to find out.

"Lena!" Kara said rising from her chair, with you following suit. "Thank you for meeting us in such short notice. We promise not to take too much of your time."

"Kara, of course. How can I help?"

"Well, actually, I would like to introduce you to (Y/N) (Y/L/N)." At the mention of your name, you stepped forward, extending your hand to Lena. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Luthor."  

"Lena, please." She said taking your hand.

"Then, please, call me (Y/N)." You said with a firm grip and a kind smile, something rare for Lena to see during those days.

"(Y/N) is the leader of an alien race residing in National City." Kara continued with a proud stance.

"Is that so?" Lena replied with a raised eyebrow and the hint of a smirk on her lips. "Is (Y/N) your real name?"

Lena's words prompted a chuckle from you, and you decided to clarify before there were any misunderstandings.

"It's my chosen Earth name. I don't think you have enough tongues to be able to pronounce the real one." You said with a playful smile. "Also, I wouldn't go that far. I am what you would call a representative, and it is of a small group only. Miss Danvers here is just too kind."

"She is, indeed." Her smile only grew bigger as she saw Kara fail to conceal a little pout.

"Well, you're still a great representative." Kara said.

"But to what do I own the honor of you visit?" Lena said gesturing to you to take your seats again. Kara smiled at you and moved along with you towards your seats.

"Right." You said pulling a small box from your jacket. "I'm here to deliver this."

Lena took the little box from your extended palm, her curiosity growing as she inspected its contents. Inside she found a little black matte icosahedron, nothing extraordinary by the looks of it.

"What is this?" She finally asked.

"The alien community wanted to thank you for creating the image inducer. It has helped a lot of people, especially those of us that don't exactly fit into the human shape." You started to explain as she inspected it.

After the launch of her device, Lena recalled, the company had received countless letters and e-mails, most of them in gratitude for helping the aliens in National City as they were still fighting for acceptance within the human population. It helped them find jobs, housing and places to be without having to worry about their looks or if other people reacted negatively to them. It helped them feel safe.

Only then Lena understood the impact it had on other's peoples lives and how her work had helped them accomplish that.

"So this is a thank you gift." You moved your hand and placed a finger on one side of the icosahedron.

Lena was startled as the other sides of the new device in her hand started to open. Suddenly the room was filled with a clear colorful light, but it was more than that. It was lines and spheres and points and spirals well defined. It took her a moment to realize what it was but Lena found herself looking around the conference room with a fascination she thought she had long lost. As the conversation followed, you explained Lena the device in her hand was a space chart. It contained information about several planetary systems, their galaxies and stars, and common routes to reach them, you said as if it was nothing but a travel guide.

Lena turned her eyes towards you a few seconds later, ready to declare her own gratitude when she noticed your expression. You were staring at a far corner of the room, not with the usual distant look of a daydreamer or that of someone who has lost interest in the present moment. You were looking with intention and, more than that, with longing in your eyes.

"It's wonderful. Thank you." Lena finally said, pulling you out of your thoughts. You blinked a few times before the smile returned to your face.

"If you ever wish to know a bit more about what's out there, you can always consult it and if you need help navigating it, I'll be more than happy to help."

Lena thought about it for a moment more. While she had long ago left her intentions of unraveling the skies, she saw a chance within those stars. This was the opportunity she had been hoping to find in National City. If she could gain the trust of the alien community, she would be able to expand her work and better help not only them but the whole city. To help put the world back together instead of tearing it apart. She was more grateful then to you, for giving her that chance.

Besides, she thought, it was also a chance to fulfill her curiosity about you.

It wasn't long after that meeting that you were back at her office, teaching her how to use the space chart. Her attention bouncing from the lines of stars and planets to understanding the technology behind the device. While her studies on science and astronomy made it easy for her to identify the structure and functioning of the chart, and the several celestial bodies it showed, she still had to learn how to translate that into terms she knew and relearn the names people used to refer to their own planets and stars. You did your best trying to explain how both things worked, which she highly appreciated.

As days passed, Lena took a new liking to your teachings which turned into more personal reunions. You didn't limit yourself to talking just about stars or planets but about the different cultures that inhabited them. Mentions of your home planet became more regular and you even used it to contrast the big differences between Earth and the rest of worlds you had known. Lena was delighted to indulge in such conversations, taking in as much as it was possible.

The way you talked about your home planet, your country, if such concept even applied, your family, your house, everything, was enough for her to look at you with the same awe she used to look at the stars when she was younger. She knew she wouldn't get to know all the stars in the universe but just knowing you, she thought, made up for it all.

"The sunsets there were hours of golden light washing over the citadel, and the nights were, oh, the night was too beautiful with its waves of light across the sky." You told her one day as you both had finished one of your reunions.

You were leaning against Lena's balcony, both of you observing the sun go down behind the city skyline.

"You know, I don't think you have ever showed me where you're from." Lena said, crossing her arms and taking a step towards you, seizing the opportunity. You had showed Lena at least dozens of planets, especially those closest to Earth's solar system but yours, for everything you talked about it, somehow still remained a mystery.

Lena felt a slight pang in her chest as she saw the smile in your face turn sad.

"No, I suppose I haven't." You said and after a moment, where you seemed to ponder a few options, you moved your head, signaling Lena to follow you back inside her office.

You took the space chart from her desk, activating it and moving your hands again until the hologram in the room moved, showing a single planet in the center of the room. You took a few steps back and gestured to Lena to take a closer to look at it.

"Here it is."

The planet, surrounded by seven moons, was a very Jupiter look-a-like. Lena was instantly enthralled by the colors and the stripes, swirls and waves that formed the planet's atmosphere. The hologram displayed a name in a language Lena certainly didn't know and that made her wonder just how many tongues she would need to pronounce it correctly.

"It's beautiful." Lena said, still looking at it.

"It was." You replied, and she turned to look at you with a confused frown and a question clear in her face.  

You moved the chart once more, reducing the image to show the whole system your planet used to be a part of.

Lena saw other nine planets but only one caught her attention as its name was being displayed in an alphabet she actually recognized.

"Krypton." She whispered, eyes widening in shock.

Everyone already knew the story. How the almighty Kryptonians had traveled to Earth when their own planet had been destroyed. But no one, including her, had thought too much about what it had meant for the rest of their own little universe. Lena imagined it then, an explosion setting a chain reaction. Not only one but several worlds shattered, with their people trying to escape the path of destruction.

Lena's eyes landed on you once more, finally understanding the longing she had once seen in your own eyes. She also knew, in some way, what it was to lose your home. So she approached you, slowly taking your hand and muttering an apology, for whatever little comfort it could give you.

"It's alright." You said looking intently at her with a reassuring smile. "I found a new home."

"And I'm glad you found it here."

You made her feel at home, Lena thought and, as she smiled back at you, she thanked the stars for giving you both the chance to find a home along each other, and hopefully, one day, a home for you both.

[ecrivant]

mind’s eye | jean kirstein

(jean kirstein x reader)

jean reflects on a memory of you and his wishes for the future.  takes place in that undefined year after the battle for shiganshina.

word count: 1.5k

a.n. – simply me revolutionizing the x reader fanfiction subgenre by hardly including any romantic aspects.  approach this as a self-indulgent jean kirstein character study.

He was never struck by his own exhaustion until he found time to rest.  He had learned to carry it, bearing that weight, grudgingly, out of necessity.  Thinking of you and your abject willingness to shoulder his burden with him.  Selfishness pressured him to concede, to lighten his own load and pass it off to a disposed other, but he did not wish that on you, on anyone.  He saw those around him buckling under their own weight.  So he carried his.  But, in moments of solitary repose, he would find himself collapsed under his own burden.  

He sat high above the city, himself having snuck onto the walls past curfew.  Overlooking the terrain outside of Wall Maria.  The night was cloudy but the ground, clear.  The moon, sliced crescent and half-enshrouded by tenebrous clouds, cast a low, even glow.  The hazeless air revealed several miles of flat country, distantly and ultimately swallowed by oscillating hills which followed the curvature of the earth.  The breeze numbed his exposed skin; winter neared.  The leaves on the trees had long since tinged and fallen and decomposed among the detritus, and the now-disrobed branches, like sainted arms proffered towards the sky, swayed, noiseless, their prayers unheard.  A silence, disrupted only by his own presence.  This barren landscape was marked by an austerity, a quietly plaintive cry uttered by and for some unknown in an unworldly call and response.  He realized he had never verily looked at the lay of the outside land.  No one had ever been afforded the luxury of regard—landscapes were heretofore solely backdrops of violence—but things were changing, and only with hindsight could one say whether for better or for worse.  

He thought of a memory. From a night like this one.  You, in the light of the moon, hair glowing and itself luminescent, a fond smile on your face.  Airy laughs, timid glances.  Instinctively, he shook his head as if to cast it off, familiar with the dangerously seductive quality of his memories.  He always worried that if he indulged himself in remembrance, even for a moment, he would render himself incapable of facing the present, for the comfort of memory was beguiling and often lured him like some Ogygian temptress. But he was so flattened, so exhausted by that incessant weight.  Was he not allowed some form of respite?  Annoyed, defiant, he unfocused his gaze and dissolved into this thought of you.

It commences behind the barracks.  He waits, anxiously tapping his foot, hoping your rendezvous would not include Sadies as an unwelcomed third.  His pedal movement shakes the unlit lamp in his hands, a quiet toll of metal on metal. Your hooded figure soon rounds the corner, eyes flashing in the dim light, easing his nerves.  You walk ahead on the path, he behind you and dragged by an unseen force.  Your allure, he posits, always the romantic.  Still facing forward, you speak his name, a quiet utterance jettisoned into the woods ahead of you.  He hums in response, liking the way your vocalization rings out, clear, in the brisk air.  An innocuous invocation of his attention.  

“Did I keep you waiting?”  An audible smile, coy.

“Of course.  I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

A quick laugh, ephemeral, your hood quivering.  Your lanterns clink as you walk, the only indication of your movement, as your steps fell silent on the padded forest floor.  Cresting a hill, you stop, finally turning to face him.  Hands held out with a flourish.  

Standing on an overlook, his eyes fall on the view before him.  A valley, bathed in dark cobalt.  A vast loch tenants the basinous land, flanked by a thick canopy of trees, the mass its own verdant topography.  The water, mirroresque.  Moonlight captured in scattered reflection.  Low-hanging mist, gathered in clouds like a cottoned assembly, divine overseers looming over their aquatic terrain.    

“Not bad.”

Your proud smile.  

“Thanks, Eren showed it to me.”

Eren, a challenge, playful.  He refuses to acquiesce, hiding annoyance, feigning indifference.  He instead sits at the interstice between the dirt path and the grassy encroachment, opting to say nothing at all.  You seat yourself next to him, head resting on your knees.

“I’m impressed.  Someone says ‘Eren’ and you usually see red.”  He notices how your head bobs as you speak, chin pushing against your kneecaps.  

“So, you’re trying to be an ass, then?”  A playful query, devoid of malice.  

You turn your head to him, smirking, a wide, toothless smile.  Shrugging, you give a noncommittal answer.  He admires you; he never really gets the chance to.  The way moonlight and shadow compliment your features. It’s nice.  

“What’s with the look?”

His eyebrows shoot up, questioning.

“What look?”

You laugh at him—he loves the way your laugh never degrades him.  It’s bubbly, effervescent.  

“You look like you just fell in love, Kirstein.”

His smile drops.  He’s flushed—had he always been so easy to read? Suddenly self-conscious of all the moments past in which he revealed himself and you stayed silent.  Your body turns to face him.

“Such adoration,” you remark quietly.  An ostensible taunt infused with a subtle sincerity.  

“It’s okay, it looks nice in your eyes.  Makes them shine.  I like it.”

He swallows.  When did you get so bold?  He looks around, towards the sky, between his feet, anywhere but at you.  He feels you inching towards him, a mass of warmth.  Swallowing his pride, he looks you in the eyes.  They’re affectionately gazing at him, questioning, asking for permission.  He stays static.  Nervous, excited.  The setting, the cool breeze—the perfect backdrop for the memory of a first kiss, he thinks.  Always the romantic.

You lean in and press your forehead to his, pausing.  His head spins, drunk on potential.  You whisper something, barely perceptible:

“Pretty boy.”  A simple remark, lovingly stated like an assertion of fact.  Dizzying. You pull away, and he falls forward, disoriented.  Embarrassed by the meek sound of disappointment that leaves him.  Your hand rubs at your neck, involuntary, sheepish.

“I’m not sure if I want this to be the memory of our first kiss.”  Funny, he thinks, how the idea crossed both of your minds. Such a slavish focus on mnemonic posterity.

Maybe you were right, though.  When he thought of this memory now, it filled him with an inexplicable exhilaration that the memory of your first kiss did not.

You had continued to talk, though his memory was hazy after this point.  He remembered you mentioning joining the Scouts, to which he reacted badly: angry concern you had anticipated.  You held him, hand in his hair, assuring him you were strong, you could take care of yourself: everything you knew he wanted to hear.  He spoke of his mother, how he missed her.  You cried together, though he could not remember why. He pressed a kiss to your cheek outside of the barracks, the early dawn gracing your complexion, warming it.  In all, a memory sullied by hindsight.  The last night before graduation, before Trost, before baggage began to wear the two of you down, spines curving under that weight.  He still adored you, every version of you, everyone you had been and would be.  Despite it all, he wished for you to one day return to that unburdened version of yourself.  Maybe naively so.

“You know, the next expedition is to the coast.  We’ll finally see the sea.”

He thought back to earlier today, your hand in his, ambling down a vacant side street.  Excitement in your voice writ large—an expedition to a once-inconceivable, now within reach.  He had glanced at you, your profile holding his gaze.  The years had truly impressed on you a tangible density, a heaviness that bided in your drooped shoulders, the wrinkles of your brow, the sporadic grey in your hair.  A dull, thoracic ache overcame him—you were a child, teenage, yet you carried the weight of a thousand lifetimes and had lived through a number equal.  He was livid at the worldly injustice, the temporal excoriation.  Stolen youth. Fairness was an antiquated concept, long foregone in exchange for a wholly inegalitarian system of cosmic justice—humans forced into meniality.  Could you recoup?  Get back the purloined years and people and solace that were justifiably yours?

He yearned to see your expression as you stood over that expansive azure.  Soon, you would face that endless horizon, representative of new beginnings, possibilities, genesis, loosed of your burdens by some benevolent Parca.  He verily hoped for your emancipation, realized through what the Scouts were to discover beyond the walls.  Then, there would be time for your affaire—love, veracious, before a backdrop of utopia.  It’s all he could hope for, a grail he quietly and firmly embosomed: an aspiration for your shared, future memories to be marked by self-actualized deliverance and impudent love.  

—

thank you for reading!  feedback is always appreciated!  i hope you enjoyed this even though it’s not really explicitly romantic in any sense.  it’s mostly jean ruminating + some yearning and pining for unachievable things.  maybe the next piece will be completely, 100% soft.  maybe.

below are the beginnings of a taglist!  if you’re interested, drop a line and i’ll tag you in my writing posts!  xoxo

taglist: @flam3bird

[beca-mitchell]

if you wanted to, girl, we could cross that line (1/1)

Summary: Aren't you supposed to book the wedding venue after proposing? Word count: 3,316 words Author’s Notes: I’ve been thinking about recent discussion re: Chloe and Beca's relationship. Specifically how Chloe hates it when people think Beca is some uncaring/apathetic person. Or that Beca is aloof and distant in their romantic relationship. I had some ideas about that, but then it kind of spiralled into this which I don't even know if it addresses any of that discourse at all. But. Anyway. I've been binging Friends, so yes, this is totally inspired by Season 6, episode 22 (and a little of episode 23) of Friends. Fic title from Lauv's "Feelings".

Read below or on AO3.

* * * * *

“Aubrey this place is beautiful,” Chloe gasps, looking around the high ceilings and well-decorated walls of the country club lounge. “You’re really thinking about moving The Lodge to California?”

Aubrey flips through the brochure, nodding along to Chloe’s words. “It seems like a natural choice. Would be nice to expand out here. Lots of companies need their morale boosted.”

Chloe nudges Aubrey. “I’m happy for you, you know? You’ve done so much in the past few years.”

“Chloe,” Aubrey sighs. “Thank you.”

“And I’m so glad you didn’t move to Mykonos and become a doula.”

Aubrey frowns. “I don’t remember saying that.” She flips to the next page of her brochure. “Oh! Chloe, look! They host weddings here!”

Chloe shifts to lean over Aubrey’s shoulder to examine the glossy pages. “Oh wow, I’m sure they must be beautiful here. Expensive too. Oh!” Chloe points to the next page. “They can even host guests overnight.”

“Perfect for corporate retreats,” Aubrey muses.

“Or weddings,” Chloe says, tugging Aubrey’s arm along. “Just think about it. A beautiful day...a little bit of a breeze." Chloe sighs, somewhat wistfully, lost in her own world for a moment. "You’d look beautiful in the dress I have picked out for you.”

“Oh is this your wedding we’re talking about?”

To Aubrey’s immense surprise, Chloe glances away, clearly embarrassed. “I mean. It could be anybody’s wedding. I was just. Throwing it out there. You know.”

“Were you picturing yourself in the wedding dress?”

Again, hesitation from Chloe. “...Maybe.”

Aubrey moves so she’s standing in front of Chloe. “Hey, what’s this all about?”

“What are you talking about?”

“You,” Aubrey gestures with a stern tone. “Getting all weird and shy about weddings of all things.”

It wasn’t that Chloe was fanatic about weddings, it was more that Aubrey knew Chloe was a complete romantic. And passionate about literally everything, on top of that. Plus, Aubrey, in her capacity as Chloe’s de facto best friend, knew just how much Chloe wanted a fairytale wedding. It was something that some people grew out of—Aubrey would know, being all about practicality—but it was also something that followed people and nestled within their hopes and dreams like a permanent reminder of what optimism and sunshine could bring.

Chloe is the embodiment of both of those things and Aubrey is fortunate enough to have experienced such a person in her lifetime.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Chloe begins, going for nonchalance which Aubrey disregards completely. “I just. I—I’ve been dating Beca for a year and a half. And then soon it’s going to be two years. And then...more.”

“That’s how time works, usually.”

Chloe glares at her. “It’s just. Beca isn’t...I don’t think she wants to get married.”

“Has she said that to you?” Aubrey demands, surprised that even Beca of all people would have so little tact to say that to Chloe specifically. Chloe who has had her wedding planned since she was in second grade. Chloe, who would go to the ends of the earth for Beca Mitchell’s smug, talented ass.

“No! No, God, Beca is amazing. And she—” Chloe sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “I know what you’re thinking and it’s what everybody thinks. Beca isn’t like that, okay? She loves me and she’s in love with me. There’s no doubt about it.” Aubrey shoots her a skeptical look. “You’re so unfair,” Chloe complains, upon seeing Aubrey’s expression. “She’s an amazing girlfriend. Honestly. Everybody thinks that she’s this distant, emotionless little...” Chloe makes a noise of frustration. “Well, she’s not. She’s passionate and beautiful and so so good at that thing she—”

“Chloe!”

Chloe blushes. “Sorry. But it’s not that. I promise.”

“Then where did...all this come from?”

“Well, I just don’t want to...freak her out.”

“Freak her out,” Aubrey echoes, contemplating the word choice and wondering whether she really does need to talk to Beca about her lack of decorum. “Has she said that to you?” she demands again.

“No!”

“Then—?”

“I just. I know I can be a lot, okay? I know that I want things too much sometimes. And that I can get loud and crazy about things. But I want to…” Chloe glances around. “I want to spend the rest of my life with Beca and I don’t want anything to mess that up.”

“Why would you two getting married mess that up?”

“Um? Hello? Has she not complained about her parents before?”

Aubrey can concede to that. “Once or twice. But I mean...we’re not all defined by our parents’ mistakes.” Chloe shoots her a look. “Okay, you know what? This isn’t about me.”

Chloe giggles, relenting. She kicks her toe against the ground, following the movement with her eyes. “I just know that Beca isn’t thinking about getting married. We just moved in together.”

“Like two months ago,” Aubrey mutters.

“More like four months ago!”

“Oh, but who’s counting?”

Chloe flashes a quick smile. “Yeah, it’s been four months hasn’t it?” She softens. “I love living with Beca. And I love L.A.! Oh—and of course I love that you’re going to be moving here.” She pulls Aubrey in for a quick hug, right in the middle of the hall. “It’s just...everything is coming together. I love my life just the way it is.”

“Chloe—”

It is that moment that a couple decides to make their way through the hall, led by a man holding a clipboard. He appears to be listing off amenities and accommodations.

“—host many weddings a year, especially during June. You are very lucky to get on the waiting list.”

Chloe, never one to really acknowledge social customs, somehow manages to insert herself into the conversation midway. “Is there a long list?” she asks conversationally, a hint of amusement in her tone. She tugs Aubrey along despite Aubrey’s attempts to mind her own business.

The wedding planner scrutinizes their intertwined hands. “Are you two ladies looking to have a wedding?”

Chloe tilts her head before turning to look at Aubrey with a glint in her eyes. “And if we are?”

“Chloe!” Aubrey hisses.

“Well, the wait list is about two years long, so you’ll have to get in line.”

* * * * *

“What was that about loving your life the way it was?”

“It wasn’t serious. I just won’t ever contact them again.”

“Yes, putting yours and Beca’s names down for a wedding venue wasn’t serious.”

“Think of it as a way to drum up some press for when you host corporate retreats there.”

“How does this help me? This absolutely in no way helps me at all.”

* * * * *

Chloe forgets about her little relapse until two weeks later. She and Beca decide to go for a nice dinner at the country club—a place where Beca can maintain some anonymity while they engage in things that Beca would prefer prying eyes to keep away from.

Namely kissing.

“You haven’t touched your dinner,” Chloe murmurs. She smiles as she catches Beca’s next kiss head-on, tilting her head ever so slightly to elicit the quietest of whimpers from Beca’s throat.

“You haven’t touched yours.”

Chloe tenses her fingers, splayed on Beca’s thigh. “Maybe I’m more interested in my dessert.”

Beca blushes immediately and clears her throat, drawing back to take in Chloe’s swollen lips and playful smile. “I’m so happy that you’re mine,” Beca drawls, reaching up to cup Chloe’s cheeks. “But you have to stop saying shit like that in public.”

“Why do I have to stop saying shit like that in public?” Chloe asks innocently, letting her lips and tongue emphasize the word shit while her hand glides further up Beca’s thigh.

Beca’s eyes darken further. She hums, leaning in to capture Chloe’s lips in another kiss. “You don’t play fair,” she complains when Chloe finally draws back and refocuses on her plate of untouched food.

“But you just get so cute and flustered,” Chloe points out. “How can I resist?”

Later, as they are leaving, Chloe barely has time to recall just why she recognizes the man walking towards them before he is greeting them both.

“Hi, Chloe, right? I just left a message on your phone earlier this evening. I didn’t expect to run into you here.”

Chloe opens her mouth, recognition dawning. “Oh it’s—”

“Hi,” Beca cuts in. “What message?” she asks curiously.

“It’s nothing,” Chloe says quickly, an unpleasant heat spreading quickly through her body. “I’ll check later,” she says politely.

“Of course! It wasn’t anything serious. Just letting you know that your position on the wedding venue waitlist got bumped up because we had a few cancellations in the past two weeks. We’re looking at much sooner than two years. Probably within the next year if you want to remain on the list.”

“The what?” Beca demands. “Chloe, the—” Beca looks like her eyes might pop right out of her head. “Chloe,” she hisses, following as Chloe quickly mutters a thank-you and tugs Beca’s wrist along until they reach Chloe’s car. “What the fu—”

“Don’t curse,” Chloe whispers.

Beca presses her lips into a thin line. “Well, what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. Are you mad?”

“I’m just confused,” Beca murmurs, sliding into the passenger seat. “Are we getting married?”

“No!” Chloe exclaims quickly. “No, of course not—”

“Of course not?” Beca echoes. “What—”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I just—it was just a dumb thing. Can we…” Chloe rests her hand on the steering wheel. “Can we talk about it when we get home?”

Beca stares out the window for a few long moments while Chloe pulls out on the main road. “Okay,” she finally agrees. “Okay, we’ll talk when we get home.”

The drive home itself is the longest and shortest of Chloe’s life. She shifts uncomfortably more than once, resisting the urge to look over at her girlfriend every two minutes. Scratch that. Every two seconds. She can’t believe that she forgot. That she wasn’t more careful. That a brief, silly moment with her best friend resulted in this. Whatever this is between herself and Beca right now.

It’s the last thing she wants, to have potentially messed something up in their life together.

When Chloe pulls into the private parking lot for their apartment complex, Chloe finds that she doesn’t want to leave the quiet of the car.

“Chlo,” Beca urges softly. “Let’s go inside.”

“I just wanted to see what it was like,” Chloe blurts, too stricken to restrain herself any longer. “I’m sorry.”

Beca reaches out to hold her hand across the console like Chloe wishes she had done during the drive home. The comforting feeling of Beca’s hand in her own makes Chloe look up, finally meeting Beca’s eyes for the first time since leaving the country club.

“Let’s just go inside,” Beca repeats, squeezing her hand.

Chloe hates that she feels too frazzled to correctly read Beca’s expression. She can’t figure out just what Beca is feeling or thinking and she hates that. She hates not knowing the one person she feels like she knows better than any other person on Earth.

“So...like.” Beca exhales, taking the keys from Chloe’s hands and placing them in their little shared bowl. “What did you mean? You just wanted to see what it was like? How do you just see what it’s like to reserve a wedding venue?”

Chloe bites her lip, still afraid to meet Beca’s eyes. She focuses instead on the flowery B&C engraving on their key bowl. It warms her. Comforts her. “I mean...it’s not really a wedding venue. It’s just a country club,” she points out evasively.

Beca snorts. “Where weddings are sometimes hosted.”

“Well. Yeah.”

“And you specifically put your name down—our names down—for a wedding. Sometime in the future.”

Chloe groans at that, covering her face with her hands. “Aubrey pressured me into it,” she lies, wondering if Beca will believe that.

Beca stifles a smile, instead choosing to step closer to Chloe in order to pry her hands from her face. “I bet she did.”

“You’re freaking out,” Chloe mumbles from behind her hands, though she does part two fingers in order to peer at Beca. “You’re freaking out, aren’t you?”

“I mean...I was,” Beca admits. “That was kind of…” Beca ponders her word choice. “Sudden,” she finally says with a delicate tone.

Chloe sighs. “I know it freaks you out when I do...stuff like that.”

At that, Beca frowns. “Do stuff like what?”

“I don’t know. Think about the future. Talk about this kind of stuff.”

Beca’s heart seizes for the briefest of moments. “I don’t want you to think that I’m not…” she swallows. “That I’m not, like, into that. Because I am.” She reaches for Chloe’s hands, pulling gently. “With you.” She bites her lower lip. “I hadn’t thought about it much before you, but it—” Beca laughs, a little breathlessly. “It drives me crazy that we haven’t talked about it, you know?”

“I just thought you weren’t…” Chloe shrugs, though her heart pounds at all of the words Beca has just thrown at her. “That it wasn’t something you wanted.”

“That was before you,” Beca reiterates.

Chloe feels a flush rising up her neck and spreading into her cheeks rapidly. “Beca…”

Beca, to her credit, does not flinch nor shy away. Chloe has been privileged enough to get to know this side of Beca over the past year and a half and especially over the past four months of living together. She is smitten and completely head-over-heels for Beca Mitchell and she doesn’t care if anybody knows that. That being said, she completely understands that Beca might not necessarily be the same, at least in terms of expressing herself outwardly (“Love languages are a thing, Beca!”) but she has never doubted that Beca cares for her. Loves her, even.

Beca is in love with her.

The thought only makes her blush again and offer a shy, demure smile at Beca who merely looks perplexed at the sudden change in mood. “What?” Beca asks quickly. “What is it? What did I say?”

“Nothing,” Chloe chimes in, shifting so that she can wrap an arm around Beca’s shoulders. “Well, not nothing. For you, that was basically a public and cheesy romantic gesture. Like declaration-on-a-billboard level.”

Beca scrunches her nose. “What was?”

Chloe pecks her quickly, enjoying how squirmy Beca is becoming in her arms. “You saying that you think about the future with me.”

“I don’t know if I said it exactly like that.”

“A little like that,” Chloe pushes. She leans in to kiss Beca slowly, letting her breath linger against Beca’s mouth. “A little bit,” she murmurs when she feels Beca take a breath, likely to protest again.

“Okay, maybe I did.”

Chloe relaxes completely, wondering how she got so lucky to fall in love with her perfect match; how she got so lucky to find her soulmate in a world full of people who refused to believe in love like she did. That was a relatively painless conversation, resulting in some unexpected results. Namely that Chloe had been the only one standing in the way of this much-needed conversation, but also that Beca Mitchell wanted to marry her.

The thought only makes Chloe deepen her kiss, eliciting a noise of surprise from Beca. They kiss for a few more moments, hands beginning to wander more boldly and surely as their kisses deepen with each passing second. Beca groans when Chloe’s hands slip under the front of her shirt, fingers scraping up her stomach with purpose.

“Are we still talking about this?” Beca asks, snagging Chloe’s lower lip between her teeth.

Chloe hums, tilting her head to capture Beca’s lips in another kiss. “That can wait.”

“I mean,” Beca begins breathlessly, allowing Chloe to steer her towards the bedroom. “You are next on the waitlist.”

Chloe is already unbuttoning her jeans. “You talk way too much. Shut up, now. I want you.”

* * * * *

Another two weeks later and Chloe has all but forgotten about that wedding venue mishap, too caught up in the motions of her own hectic life and just how good her relationship with Beca has become. She hadn’t thought it possible, but she falls more for Beca every day.

“I can’t believe my girlfriend is ditching me to hang out with my best friend,” Chloe pouts. “This is so unfair. My two favorite people.”

“You could come,” Beca laughs.

“No, you know I have a long shift today.” Chloe sighs. “I’ll miss you. Say hi to Aubrey for me. I know she’s been busy setting up work stuff. Ask her if she needs our help.”

“I will ask her if she needs your help,” Beca says obediently.

“Our help,” Chloe corrects, leaning down to kiss Beca on the lips. “See you!”

Chloe heads out the door, without much thought as to the rest of her day.

Beca waits until she hears complete silence, then she waits for another few minutes estimating how long it would take Chloe to get into her car and drive.

Beca she’s gone, hurry up and get over here

Aubrey Rude. On my way.

Beca rushes to get ready in preparation for her day with Aubrey.

“What did you think of the place?” Aubrey asks when Beca climbs into the car. “Did you like the photos?”

“Yeah, but I kind of want to see it for myself. In person.”

Aubrey scoffs. “Chloe has amazing taste and so do I. We would never lead you astray.”

Beca rolls her eyes. “Forgive me for wanting to see the place where I want to get married myself.”

“Beca, you don’t exactly strike me as the kind of person—”

Beca resists the urge to completely snap at Aubrey or say something snarky to cut off the other woman. She fiddles with the small box inside her jacket pocket before she pulls it out, running her fingers along the velvet surface. She smiles at the thought of Chloe’s expression—what her imagination provides at least—and suddenly she can’t quite wait another moment. She wants to marry Chloe immediately. She wants everything that she always thought she’d hate because of her parents’ own failed marriage. She wants that life and that future with Chloe and she wants it because she knows it’ll work.

It will work because they love each other.

Aubrey gasps loudly, pulling the car off to the side of the road and throwing her hazard lights on. “Beca! You didn’t!” She all but snatches the box from Beca’s grasp, both of them tussling over it for a brief moment before Aubrey finally shoves her shoulder and displaces Beca back into her seat. “Oh my God, you actually bought a ring. Without talking to me. Beca! How could you!”

“I didn’t know I needed your permission to buy a ring.”

Aubrey ignores her, opening the box. Her eyes widen comically and if Beca’s heart weren’t completely in her throat because it is now dawning on Beca that she absolutely craves Aubrey’s approval, Beca would laugh. But she doesn’t. She waits with bated breath as Aubrey lifts the ring closer to her face, eyes practically glittering.

“Are you...okay?” Beca asks. Is it okay? she wants to ask, but refrains.

“This is...beautiful, Beca. This is so beautiful.”

Beca exhales, feeling an entire year’s worth of tension leave her body. “For real? Like you’re not just...saying that, right?”

“No, Beca, I’m not just saying that. This is beautiful. And...and I’m so happy for you.” Aubrey presses the ring back into Beca’s hands before moving to grip the steering wheel with determination.

Beca waits, watching Aubrey for a long moment before she speaks up again. “Are we gonna go, or—?”

“I just need a moment to collect myself.”

“Oh, okay.” Beca flips the box open again, smiling at the ring. “Take all the time you need.”

She has never been more ready.

fin.

[tinamaetales]

Fine, not fine

When the pandemic broke out in 2020, I was left with nothing to do. Our WFH arrangement during those times is not something I consider as a heavy workload so most of the time I just find myself alone with my own thoughts – which is one of the scariest scenarios for me. To kill time and distract myself from my own self-destructive thoughts, I decided to watch documentaries on Youtube but there really isn’t enough for me so despite not having a huge salary, I decided to subscribe to Netflix and from then on, I was able to watch a lot of movies, series and documentaries. I really wanna write a reflection on each of the stuff I’ve watched but I’m too lazy these days (and yet, here I am writing one).

As I mentioned, I watched a lot of stuff on Netflix but the last three that I’ve watched lately (before I start being invested with American Horror Story series), Angel’s Last Mission: Love, The Good Place, and Mystic Pop-up Bar tend to have a common theme – life, death, afterlife. I didn’t even do it on purpose; I was just really interested in the plot of their stories. What these 3 shows have in common is that they discuss about the morality and consequences and these days, I’m really interested in those topics. Lately, I’ve been questioning myself about what kind of person I am – am I good or bad? I also keep on having an internal debate with myself as to whether or not there is an afterlife and if there is, then where will I end up? Heaven or hell? Those questions are kinda giving me some headache these days but at least it’s a good distraction from my own self-destructive thoughts. Somehow, Philosophy seems interesting to me now (during my College years, I dreaded that subject but still managed to get a 1.25 final grade lol). Anyway, here are my thoughts about the shows:

Angel’s Last Mission: Love

Major lesson: Keep the faith

This kdrama has such a beautiful way of presenting its story that you will fall in love with it in just the first episode! (Also because Kim Myung Soo’s dimples are to die for, omg I’m so in love) Anyway, this drama’s plot is interesting: an angel who disobeyed the law (he’s not allowed to meddle with the lives of humans especially since he’s a guardian angel for animals) on his last day was given the most difficult mission – to make the fallen ballerina know what love is. As I am writing this, I can’t help but feel emotional because the show knows how to attack one’s heart. I will not be telling more of its plot for I might end up spoiling it so I’ll just provide my major take away from this kdrama. (This is one of those kdramas that I can watch again and again coz it’s beautiful)

I was raised in Catholic faith, which is really not a surprise for a Filipino like me since this country is heavily influenced by the Catholic Church, but ever since I’ve become an adult and finally opened my eyes and allow myself to stop living under the notorious gaslighting of people around me, I struggled with my faith in God. It’s really difficult living a traumatized life. In 2018, I seek for professional help and was diagnosed with Dysthymia and Social Anxiety Disorder. And despite therapy and medication, I have not yet healed and sometimes feel like my situation is getting worse. As such, I felt so alone in my struggles which became the reason why I relate to Yeon Seo’s character. People labeled her as a cold bitch and most of them are expecting her to just move on and heal without fully understanding where she is coming from. When Yeon Seo said “Do you know what it feels like to be left behind? It feels like I’m abandoned alone in an endless desert” it hit close to home. I know that one’s pain should not be an excuse for acting up and being mean but people should also understand that healing is different for all of us – we heal at our own pace at our own time. Pain can change a person – I know it fully well for I’ve become a completely different person because of all the pain I’ve been through. But what this show taught me is that God is a merciful God and He will not let us be drown into the abyss of darkness…..somehow, He will make a way to get us back on track and sometimes it’s in ways we never imagined it to be. Like how they sent angel Kim Dan into Yeon Seo’s life, God will also be sending us the answer to our prayers for He loves us and He is the only one who will never give up on us – even though we gave up on ourselves.

The Good Place

Major lesson: There is hope for humanity

I’ve been obsessed with sitcoms since 2019 (if I remember the year correctly) for they’re easy to watch and just fun but I never expected that a sitcom will make me become philosophical and somehow question my own morality: am I a good person?

For a show with only four seasons and fifty-three episodes, The Good Place sets the bar high for a sitcom.  It did not drag its plotline but is able to tell the entire story in a way that leaves the viewers satisfied with it. The Good Place is a story *SPOILER ALERT* that revolves around the afterlife lives of the four main characters: Eleanor, Chidi, Tahani, and Jason who all end up in the “good place” because they earned enough points on Earth but there’s a catch, two of them are not actually meant to be in the good place. Eleanor and Jason both mistakenly went to the good place because they died at almost the same time as someone with the same name as them but the other two actually deserved to be in the good place. The dilemma started when Eleanor admitted the truth to Chidi, a Philosophy professor who specialized in Ethics for he is torn between helping them or snitching on them. But perhaps the biggest plot twist of all, *SERIOUSLY STOP READING IF YOU DON’T WANT ANY MORE SPOILERS* they are not really in the good place. All four of them are in the Bad Place disguised as the good place and they were specifically chosen to torture each other, just like what Jean Paul Sartre said, “Hell is other people” Now this gets interesting because while none of these four people have committed heinous crimes which can then make them deserving of a spot in the bad place, the actions they’ve done during their lifetime on earth has bearing. At first I find it surprising how Chidi and Tahani end up in the bad place considering that Chidi spent his life in the pursuit of goodness and Tahani is a philanthropist who raised millions of dollars for charities. But then, as the show progressed, I understood. Chidi’s vast knowledge of morality made him become an indecisive person which led towards the suffering of others. Chidi made other people suffer because he finds it difficult to make a choice. On Tahani’s part, she raised millions of dollars to help improve the lives of others but such is a self-serving interest – she did not do those things because she wanted to help but because she wants to make herself look good. On Eleanor’s part, while she did not commit serious crimes, she was a big ass jerk towards others during her time on earth. With Jason, although he is kind, his actions often lead to disasters and although unintentional, harm towards others. With these in mind, I guess it’s safe to say that humans are doomed for the things we do are most of the time self-serving. It’s hard to make it to the Good Place because in one way or another, we do some things that affect others in a negative way. But what this show also taught me is that while it’s true that hell is other people……humans have a chance to improve and be better when given the proper environment as well as when they help each other out. Just like what Michael said “The point is, people improve when they get external love and support. How can we hold it against them when they don’t?”

At first, this show kind of made me realized that I’ve been a bad person….that most of the decisions I’ve made in life are self-serving….I only do things that benefit me and I could not care less about other people but my biggest realization here is that, I acted this way because my unhealed pain and trauma is manifesting itself. I have been hurt way too much that it made me become a bad person and end up with the mantra that life is shitty anyway so why try to be good? And because of that, I felt bad. Now, I try my best to do good things, not because I want to feel good for myself but because it’s the right thing to do. I have come to the realization that just because I was hurt does not mean I have the right to inflict pain on others. I know that morality is not something that can easily be answered since it’s such a complex thing and humans are flawed but as what Michael said (he has a lot of great lines from the show, I can’t help but to keep on quoting him) “What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is, if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s my answer.” Please, please, please watch The Good Place! I guess it’s one of the best, if not the best, sitcoms ever.

Mystic Pop-up Bar

Major lesson: Grudges are the heaviest to carry/ the art of letting go

One word to describe this k-drama? HEARTWARMING. With only 12 episodes, this k-drama was able to provide me comfort and healing. I did not actually expect much from this as I only watched it because of Yook Sungjae but what I failed to realize is that this kdrama’s approach to storytelling will be heartwarming. The plot is pretty simple for a fantasy drama: a woman, Weol-ju, runs a pop-up bar in order to fulfill her mission of settling the grudges of 100,000 people but as the years went by, it became difficult for her to have people to open up. When people fail to open up about the grudges they are holding, then it will be difficult for her to help them in solving their problems. And since it is taking her way too long to finish her mission, she was given an ultimatum of having to finish her mission within a month – good thing is she found two people to help her with the case: the afterlife police agent Gwi and the human with special ability of making people open up to him just by having a slight physical contact with them, Kang Bae. I love the way these three main characters complemented each other and I sometimes wish that I was given the chance to be a customer at the Mystic Pop-up Bar not just to have them help me solve my grudges but because sometimes, all we need is people who will listen to us.

As mentioned, Weol-ju’s mission is to help people settle the grudges they are carrying and she makes it happen by having people go inside her pop-up bar, let them tell their stories to her and then she will eventually offer them a special drink (which she disguises as an alcohol) that will make them fall asleep so she can enter the dream world and do her work in settling the grudge. While watching this drama, I can’t help but wonder: why do people drink when they have problems? For someone who never drinks and is not interested in drinking, I’ve always been curious of it. They said that alcohol tastes bitter, so I don’t understand why it seems to be helping people in dealing with their problems? Some say that by drinking, it helps them escape their reality for a while. I did some research about this topic and according to Origins Recovery, alcohol contains anxiolytic properties which means that it helps in inhibiting stress or anxiety. As for the bitterness, I heard from someone that as time passes by, the bitterness become sweet unlike life itself in which as time passes by, it becomes more overwhelming. I guess drinking really helps people to take a pause from the absurdity of life despite its bitterness as well as the headache that follows after drinking. Moreover, who am I to judge people who rely on drinking when their life becomes a mess when I also have my own ways, sometimes self-destructive, of finding an escape from this horrible world that we live in? After all, when life gets too tough, we all just want an escape – even though it’s temporary.

With every episode, Weol-ju and her squad helped people settle their grudges and each time they do, it makes me feel emotional. This show makes me realized that all of us are carrying grudges we don’t talk about and when we do not have the avenue to vent it out, then it eats us up alive. All of us are no stranger to struggles, but it is important to be strong and courageous. We can choose to struggle alone but asking for help does not mean you are weak.

Let me end this blogpost by putting my favorite line from Weol-ju: “No matter what’s making you suffer right now, things will settle and pass eventually. Hang in there until then, and you’ll find yourself stronger”

x,

TinaMae

[teruthecreator]

THS IS A ROBBERY 🔫YOUR ROLESWAP LORE!!! HAND IT OVER 🤲if u want 2 :)

just took my melatonin bc i have to wake up at 4:30 AM to drive 16 hours to my mother’s so i’m sorry if this becomes derailed but uh. here’s the roleswap lore! or, at least, everything i’ve decided (along with matthew and corinne bc the three of us tagteamed on it) 

gonna chuck it all under a readmore bc this is going to get long

so first off, just gonna run out in front and say i have no idea how this fits into graduation plot. i haven’t gotten that in plot consideration, given their character differences in comparison to their canonical selves. so, for the most part, it’s a lot of background establishment and character traits. but i do have a few plot bits that i’ve figured out bc i thought it was cool. why such a long preamble? i don’t know. help me

fitzroy maplecourt: 

first off, he’s not called sir!!! because he doesn’t go to knight school! 

my idea for his backstory is that the way he decides to grapple with his identity crisis/imposter syndrome (which he definitely Still has) is that instead of becoming a grander, larger than life version of himself. he just. goes the opposite.

not necessarily becoming a degenerate (bc he just smokes pot and that’s not bad he’s just vibing)??? but more just like. leaning into the laid-back nature of life that one might pick up from a lifetime in rural country. 

he goes to a liberal arts school a ways away and just decides to bum around and take life not seriously. he develops a pretty large group of acquaintances being a hippie stoner; he doesn’t really pursue a degree either. i think if he picked up any major it was probably like. an art major or an english but he basically fails most of his classes bc he doesn’t care! 

unlike his canonical counterpart, fitzroy doesn’t mind being called nicknames!! ones i think he has the most are fitz or roy, but basically you could call him anything and he’ll respond. that is because, instead of clinging to the concept of his identity bc it’s the only thing he feels he has, his identity is nebulous!! he doesn’t understand it and it scares him too much to be concrete, so he just lets people decide shit about him for him. 

his personal philosophy is more about floating through life and letting people assume shit about him than having a solid personality and backstory that people understand and recognize. it is a more dissociative way of having an identity crisis! how fun! he also barely talks about his past, and what he does talk about are cherrypicked points of his past that fit his narrative of being a casual down-to-earth hippie

 the moment that this all changes is when order decides to pop in and grant him powers!!!! wahoo!!!! here’s how that happens: 

he’s baked out of his fucking gourd in his dorm room, in the spring semester of his junior year. he’s alone (which is rare) and he’s maybe a little sad, but he decides to just ignore it. he looks at his table and laughs. “hehe, what if this table just. blew up?” he says to himself. it isn’t that funny, but he laughs. then he lays his hand on the table. 

the table blows up.

after that, he has magic!!! 

i’m going to go into detail a little bit later about how fitzroy’s magic manifests in the roleswap universe, but i wanna get through the backstory first. basically, he gets really freaked out after his magic comes to him because it is So New and Wow What and What The Fuck.

he realizes that this new addition to his character Completely changes how people who know him would perceive him (as a bum stoner chill guy), and he can no longer have control of his narrative with this magic business. so he drops out!

well, he actually just transfers. to a school far, far away where people will never know who he was and he can rebuild his narrative with this magic incorporated into it. he chooses wiggenstaff’s because he figures the school would have more of a knowledge of magic than his libarts school, which would mean he could understand why the fuck weed gave him magic (sidenote: it wasn’t weed, obvs, but he thinks this so for a while he doesn’t smoke!) 

he is now the chill hippie of wiggenstaff’s!!! most people like him because his personality is fairly easy to digest; some people think he shouldn’t be there, but he is! he starts out as a sidekick and he would’ve honestly been fine with that forever, but then he’s suddenly thrust into the hero track!!! wow!!!! i will also explain this with the magic. 

but yeah!! that’s fitzroy, for the most part. now we’ll move onto the other boy

argonaut keene:

he actually prefers if people call him argonaut, but he’s less likely to correct people than canon fitzroy Or canon argo. he’s a tad bit shyer in this universe!

argo’s backstory pretty much follows the same idea of his canonical background, but with some key differences that shape him into the character he is in the present! 

basically he still grows up on shebrie’s ship, surrounded by crewmates and the salty sea air. but his fascination with the sea doesn’t manifest into this swashbuckling lifestyle that he has in canon. 

what fascinates him more is the ship itself. how it functions, how water wears down wood, how directional currents can affect navigation. basically, he becomes invested in the sciences part of sealife more than the pirateering. he has special interests in marine biology, but his heart remains in nautical engineering. figuring out ways to make the ship run better, faster, and more efficiently consumes his childhood thoughts!

shebrie encourages her son’s craving for knowledge with tomes and books from all over the world about anything related to engineering and nautical things. he’s homeschooled, basically, but he becomes rather intelligent within a few short years! 

and then, well....shebrie dies. yeah we aren’t escaping that finality, sorry folks. that part of canon Still Applies.

after shebrie’s death (coughMURDERcough), argo is. traumatized! and he makes the decision to almost entirely sever himself from his life on the sea. it’s all too painful to look back upon--the times he spent studying with his mother in the captain’s quarters, rattling off dolphin facts as they sailed onward, dreaming of turning gears as the ship gently rocked him to sleep--and so he just decides to throw the whole thing out!

he can’t ignore his lifetime of education, though, so he continues to pursue it. with the remainder of money his mother left behind, he enrolls himself in a boarding school of science and technology, with plans to continue study in Only engineering. no more nautical Anything on his roster.

eventually, when he is old enough and graduates high school, he roams around...trying to figure out what to do. he doesn’t have enough money for college, so he can’t continue his scholarly efforts yet. he works around, job-to-job, city-to-city, and just notices how...delayed everything feels. like society is suffering under this slow pace towards innovation. 

and that’s when he decides his next course of action. if he were to discover the root of some problem and engineer a solution, he would be famous! he would gain notoriety and praise and--and all the things his mother had as a captain. but he would have it on his own, separate from his mother, and separate from his past. 

he figures out his next course of action: attend a school that will give his prestigious enough marks to be accepted onto a research team, find a problem, solve it, help the world, maybe earn a little bit of that credit and respect that would make him feel like he was doing his mother proud. 

the thing i want to emphasize here is that argo’s take on helping the world comes from that morality that canon fitzroy has. canon fitzroy wanted to be a knight because he wanted to fairly and justly instill ideas of “good” and “bad” onto the world. roleswap argo has a similar moral sense, but instead of establishing rules he wants to fix the “bad” and make it “good” in a technological/scientific sense.

the only school argo can think of that can get him that kind of notoriety is wiggenstaff’s. getting onto the HOG board would mean he’d have access to countless resources and be respected by a large audience, which would give him the opportunity to make change happen. even if he’s only a sidekick On Paper, what matters is that the diploma would give him the ability to Apply to the HOG. so he drafts a carefully worded letter for a scholarship and achieves a full-ride!!! epic 

like fitzroy’s magic, i’m going to break down argo’s relation to the unbroken chain after i get through backstory stuff. but trust me, I’ve Thought Of It

argo sort of blends into the background at wiggenstaff’s. or, he would, if his roommates/friends weren’t so Fucking Out There. fitzroy is enough to make him always be visible, but even the firbolg’s massive frame means eyes are always on him. which makes him nervous!! he doesn’t like the attention (as opposed to his canonical self, who revels in it for the self-esteem fuel) his insecurities manifest more in what he’s Doing rather than what he Is, mostly because his identity is barricaded by a wall of trauma repression

he’s still plenty funny and witty, just quieter. also he’s a lot Meaner than canon argo, at least to me. because if you irritate him he Will just completely shut you down with words. motherfucker doesn’t bark but he will most DEFINITELY bite

that’s their backstories, for the most part! in terms of how they interact together:

as established, they meet prior to wiggenstaff’s on a tinder date (during the grace period of argo working odd jobs and fitzroy about to be granted immense fucking power) and end up casually dating during the course of their wiggenstaff education. argo is a nervous goober and fitzroy just likes making him blush. it’s very cute.

fitzroy is still less inclined for the romantic than argo, who remains a steadfast absolute romantic internally. fitzroy still holds a lot of the self-doubt and distrust that canon fitzroy has, only it manifests in him not taking anything seriously! which means when he catches Feelings feelings he basically freaks out 

argo still falls in love really quickly, only now he’s more conflicted about it because being in love means trusting and trust means communication and communication means Oops Years Of Trauma Are Being Unloaded Uh Oh! 

now i’m going to touch on the big points that i find really interesting: fitzroy’s magic and argo’s relation to the unbroken chain

fitzroy’s magic:

chaos is not the being that grants him magic. it’s order! 

my take on what this means for what deity is on what plane of reality is that chaos is more Needed so they are the one that is physically On Nua, while Order remains in dreamscapes because they are already a constant amongst the tangible world. yes i know this directly contradicts the reasoning for why theyre Supposed to be where in canon, leave me alone i’m having fun. 

my reasoning for this switch is because chaos stands to be a contradiction to everything canon fitzroy has going on. he has a very strict, nailed-down understanding of himself and the world. everything he thinks is in black and white, bold statements, no questions, he follows rules and obeys the law. untiiiiil chaos gives him magic and shocks him out of that complacency. they lean into his inner impulses and that rage he’s kept locked deep inside. they allow for magic to Explode out of him, rather in calculated bursts or with intent. 

which is why order is more fitting for roleswap fitzroy!! because fitzroy, in this world, has less of a concrete grasp of himself and the world. he purposely lets himself be nebulous and goes with the flow. thinking of the future in real terms is not something fitzroy Does, he has no plans and that’s Fine. order seeks to give fitzroy a backbone, to put it simply. 

his magic doesn’t go impulsively out of him. it is calculated--it comes with thoughts and intentions. the reason it surprises fitzroy when the table blows up is because he didn’t think his thoughts or wants would amount into that, but that’s what order is trying to show him. that his intentions matter. that he matters and he has to Think and Focus and Be Here.

i’m still not sure if his power would manifest as lightning??? because the imagery for the lightning works perfectly for canon fitzroy because of the random power of lightning strikes. but for roleswap fitzroy it’s more like...thunder. like Purpose. thunder happens because of a reaction--it comes with intent. if differing air temperatures collide, it creates thunder. that combination is purpose + intent equating in magic. 

i think that part needs word bc like. how would one quantify thunder?? i think fire might also work really well because the idea of a controlled fire. like things have to Happen in order for fire to start, it can’t just appear like lightning can. 

order’s manipulation relies more heavily on the concept of boosting him up as a savior/hero, rather than boosting his ego and desire for power. fitzroy Has no desires in roleswap world--he’s just there. but when he gets put on the hero track, now he’s suddenly been given purpose. and order uses that to be like “wow, look at all these people who rely on you! look how important you are! don’t you want to use this magic for good?? to do good?? start a war with a demon come on pussy :-)”

OH YEAH also he becomes a hero in this universe (like in terms of tracks) because of the fact that it directly contradicts how he views himself. for canon fitzroy, it was showing him how much more he is capable of without the restrictions of morals (i.e, king fitzroy). but roleswap fitzroy doesn’t Have an image he wants to bolster! he doesn’t think he needs it and, frankly, he doesn’t care for it. the hero tracks carries with it all these stereotypes and expectations that now directly contradict his personality--thus showing him he is capable of more.

okay now for argo’s business jesus christ this post is so long and im NOT EVEN DONE WITH ALL THE POINTS I WANTED TO MENTION

argo’s relation to the unbroken chain:

so since roleswap argo has less of an association with his past (and, by extension, the memory of his mother), he is less inclined to join the mysterious cult that his mother was a part of. 

moreover, he doesn’t necessarily believe the shit he’s told??? he’s way more skeptical of jackal than canon argo is--immediately questioning why and how jackal knew his mother, and constantly trying to poke holes through his narrative.

generally speaking, if you try to talk to roleswap argo about his mother or his past, he Shuts Down. like completely. and that usually results in him snapping at you or just clamming up completely. mostly he just gets really snippy and angry because Hey Shut Up Dickhead I Don’t Want To Talk About It

a part of me still isn’t sure whether or not argo would take the unbroken chain up on their offer. but i also know that, plot wise and character arc wise, it is a necessary part of argo’s story. so i think, at most, he agrees but is extremely hesitant and might even let fitzroy on immediately once he’s given the task of digging into fitzroy’s life

also, they’re boyfriends in this universe, so how could he Really keep it a secret for that long. come on jackal, you idiot, you know they’re kissing. 

i think he’d Eventually warm up to jackal as a sort of father figure, but only after many nights of conversation and dancing around the subject of shebrie.

OH YEAH. this argo doesn’t know the commodore murdered his mother! important to note! he just assumes what he was told was true, that she sailed into dangerous territory and was ambushed. 

during the tribunal bit If That Even Happens In This World, i think fitzroy actually is the one who figures it out Before argo. and once argo does, well............fuck!

OKAY last little bit, just gonna talk about some random extra parts of the world that i’ve thought of already: 

in this universe, grey takes on higglemas’s identity instead of hieronymous’s!!! this is for good reason actually

okay so basically my thought was that, instead of whatever happened in canon yadda yadda dog time, hieronymous and grey are fighting and it’s a pretty evenly matched battle. there’s a cooldown moment where hiero thinks he’s safe but grey uses sneaky backhanded tactics to try and get the drop on him. 

only higgs sees it in time and saves his brother, taking the hit himself. he collapses, extremely wounded, and hiero rushes to his aid. he’s cradling his brother’s body, trying to keep him alive, when grey approaches to deliver the final blow. 

hiero is completely crushed and defeated and basically will let grey do anything to him by this point. the only thing he begs of is to let him live long enough to save his brother.

now, grey isn’t nice. let me make that clear. grey fucking SUCKS and the reason he agrees is because he wants a Real War with hiero and he can’t get that if hiero is basically like “if you let higgs die then you might as well kill me”.

so, grey agrees, and hiero ends up saving higgs by turning him into a cat. was supposed to be a temporary solution until he could find a better spell, but he wasn’t the magic guy in the duo. eventually, grey gets tired of waiting and decides to do some other shit. like turning the school the brothers have been running into a backalley place for demons!!

he takes the form of higglemas and leaves hieronymous locked in his office as basically a mascot. he’s like the queen and grey is the parliament--grey makes all the rules, but everyone assumes it’s hiero. faux-higgs is more on the ground, changing things and making the school a place more fitting for an eventual war. he builds up the concept of heroes and villains being Real, in the hopes he can sway some mortals to his side when he’s able to open a portal to hell. 

hiero still tries to stop this from happening, but his pride and his self-image is wounded by what happened. he feels guilty and puts the blame entirely on him, instead of doing the whole cowardice route like higgs did in canon. he gets people to help him eventually, via mind control and all tht jazz. 

also in this universe, buckminster is the one who gets birdified instead of leon!! has to do with my leon/buckminster and higgs/hiero narrative parallels that i’ve thought of for far too long.

firbolg is exactly the same in this universe. it is hard to swap three people and i didn’t want to think about him. 

fitzroy doesn’t pick a grab. i think he’d rather a lizard, like a bearded dragon. he names him something stupid. like scaly. or kyle. 

uhhh yeah!!! i think that’s....everything i’ve thought of so far!! lemme know if you wanna hear my takes on any other elements in the roleswap world!!!!

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 14

Warnings: possible body dysmorphia, mentions of past trauma and abuse

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @tragiclyhip​

Author’s Note: I have a serious case of extremely low self esteem (thanks anon hate!) and I can’t promise when the next chapter will be out. I’m hoping within the next few days. Fingers crossed!  So I’d post the one I was holding ‘hostage’. 

“I’m not too sure about this, Des,” Esme grumbles from behind a change room door in Bloomingdales.

It’s the last stop of the afternoon before a well deserved lunch; highly praised Thai food at a restaurant near Rockefeller that Desi had to book weeks in advance. It’s been years since she’d been THAT engrossed in a shopping trip; her feet aching and her cheeks hurting from laughing so much and dozens of bags in her possession. For twelve years she’s been caught up in her role as a mother; putting her own needs and wants on the back burner in favour of always making sure the kids never went without. Even with a ridiculous amount of money in the bank, she’d never concentrated on herself; perfectly content with her quiet and unassuming life in Australia, living rather simply and not needing much more than shorts, t-shirts, a small selection of bathing suits and a handful of jeans. It feels strange to be out in something other than her normal and preferred attire; used to choosing comfort over actual style and doing little more than throwing her hair up into a ponytail or messy bun. It had been nice to experience all of that again and had found herself most missing those younger days. When she’d pass the time with hours of window shopping and mindless browsing; daydreaming about all of the designer clothes and shoes and handbags she’d one day purchase if she ever won the lottery. But back then, it had been just that: daydreaming. And she can’t help but feel slightly guilty for splurging and buying things just for the sake of having them; outfits she may likely never wear and will hang in the closet with their original price tags still attached.

It’s hard to break free of that line of thinking; easily remembering the hard times when there’d been hardly any food in the cupboards and there’d been real worry about whether the utilities would be shut off or not. When Millie was still growing inside of her and she’d been trying to adjust to her new life in a new country; living with a man she barely knew but she already was already falling madly and crazily in love with. Materialistic things have never truly mattered; never heartbroken when she couldn’t afford brand new clothes or when their little apartment was filled with mismatched second hand furniture. Despite the financial concerns, they’d been truly happy. Engrossed in a ‘honeymoon stage’ of unbridled passion and lust; finding themselves thoroughly exploring and enjoying one another’s bodies while getting to know each other. It hadn’t been the most conventional of lifestyles; two broken people finding solace and healing in one another in Dhaka, an unplanned pregnancy, and quick and hasty cohabitation. And there’d been hard times; little quirks and hangs up the other had that annoyed them, heated arguments over stupid things, lingering trauma and plenty of nightmares thanks to their harrowing experience in Bangladesh. But somehow they’d made it work; a temperamental and moody Australian and a feisty and over emotional American. Falling in love despite their often enormous differences and making something so beautiful and lasting out of almost nothing.

“I don't know if this dress is my thing,” she frets, and smooths her hands down the side of the ridiculously expensive dress. It’s far more than she’d ever imagined paying for a single piece of clothing; immediately checking the price tag and having a small coronary when Desi had shoved the garment in her direction. Money is of no concern; in a thousand lifetimes the personal bank account will never run dry, nor will there never be a steady flow of impressive income coming in. But it just isn’t who she is; a woman with her wardrobe filled with designer apparel, far more comfortable in sweats from Target and one of her husband’s ratty t-shirts. “I’m just not too sure about it.”

“What is there NOT to be sure about?” Her friend’s voice filters in from the waiting area. “It’s Herve Leger. One of his best pieces yet. And it’s fabulous and it will look even more fabulous on you.”

“It’s too short,” she laments, and tries in vain to pull the hem down closer to her knees. “I don’t have the legs for this.”

“You don’t need legs for days to slay in that dress. And Big E, I’ve seen you in shorts. I know you’ve got killer stems. You can definitely pull this off. You’re worrying over nothing.”

“But it’s too tight. Way too tight.”

Desi sighs in exasperation. “It’s supposed to be tight. It’s a bandage dress.”

“It shows my rolls.”

“Excuse you? WHAT roles? Like you have rolls. Bitch, please.”

“I’ve had seven kids. Believe me, I have rolls. I’m twenty pounds heavier than when I first met Tyler. Twenty-two, actually.”

“And does he give a shit? No. I bet he likes the curves. I don’t see him complaining. Or looking at other women. He only has eyes for you.”

“Most biased man on earth,” she mutters, and studies her form from all sides. Easily remembering what her body had looked like almost thirteen years ago; thin and toned and extremely fit. A far cry from the ‘softness’ she possesses now; dips and valleys and curves where none had ever existed before.

“Isn’t his opinion the only one that really matters? Doesn’t he find you a straight up hottie?”

“That is not the point. He could be just trying to spare my feelings, you know.”

Desi gives a derisive snort. “Isn’t he still tripping over himself trying to get into her pants every available chance he gets? Quit your bitching. You’ve got a beautiful man that worships at the temple of YOU. Now get out here and let me see you.”

“Rolls, Desi. I have rolls.”

“Bullshit. And even if you did, that dress is like a corset. All the different bands built in? They hold everything. And I doubt you have anything to hold in the first place. Don’t make me break down the door and drag you out here. I am not above creating a scene. You should know this by now.”

“Don’t you dare go full queen diva on me.”

“Oh, I will. I will kick that door in and drag your tiny ass on out here for the world to see. Desmond Brownell does not play games. He’s on a mission. And his mission is to see you in that Herve Leger. Don’t make me pull a mommy move. Don’t make me count to three.”

“I tend to go with five, but…”

“Five then. Don’t make me go that direction. Because it will not end well for you. Or me. There’ll be tears. And not on my part. And most likely security guards tossing us both out on our asses. So we do this either the easy way or the hard way. And believe me, you don’t want the hard way.”

Sighing heavily, she smooths down the back and sides of the dress and once more tries to pull the bottom closer to her knees. To no avail. It is so far out of her comfort zone; a woman that insists on always covering her bathing suit with a t-shirt and refuses to remove it. “I am going to sneak into your house at night and kill you in your sleep,” she declares, as she undoes the hook latch on the door and swings it open. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this. Keep your eyes closed. Until I tell you to open them.”

“I can’t believe YOU don’t realize that you’re a bonafide MILF. Even if it’s not for you, how bad could it be?”

“Ever seen a sausage when you try and stuff too much into the casing?”

“Have you ever talked to a shrink? You do not look the way you think you look. What DO you see when you look in the damn mirror?”

“I see gray hair, wrinkles, and stretch marks. I see frumpy and plain and boring and just…” sighing, she steps into the middle of the waiting area and frowns at her reflection being cast in several different mirrors. “...old. I see old.”

“I think you’ve done lost your damn mind. Shred brains cell with every baby you had. Because you sure as hell don’t look old. Not even close. Can I look yet?”

“Do you want to be traumatized?”

“Do you WANT me to beat your ass? Tell on you? I’ll tell your hubby. Don’t underestimate me. Then both of us will get on your ass and then what?”

“He’s hardly a good judge. He’d tell me I look good in a garbage bag. He is proof that love IS blind.”

“He is proof that there’s good men out there. Good loyal, faithful men. That love every inch of their woman. Inside and out. You know how lucky you are? To have someone like that? Do you see anyone strong enough to drag him off? I’m sure he’s had plenty of opportunities.”

“If the thirsty housewives back home and the new neighbour had their way, he’d be getting all kinds of ass. All kinds of variety.”

“What new neighbour?”

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you over lunch. But yeah, he’s got a harem of women that would love for him to be tapping it.”

“But he loves tapping YOUR ass. And only your ass. Does he have a brother? Have I ever asked that? A gay brother by chance? Or a gay friend? Bi friend? Help me out here.”

“No brothers. No siblings at all. No gay friends. Not that I know of. But you know who WOULD have a gay friend? My sister in law.”

“I thought he didn’t have siblings?”

“Not Tyler. My sister’s wife. Shaena. She’d for sure have gay friends. And hot ones. You’ve met her.”

“Both her and your sister are fine as hell. I wouldn’t mind getting in the middle of THAT. Hook a brother up. Make it happen. I’ll be at your little Aussie Christmas. Score me a date for then. In the meantime, can I open my eyes now? Don’t leave a brother hanging.”

“As long as you promise you won’t laugh.”

“I am calling you a psychiatrist. You need help.”

“Fine,” she turns her back towards her friends, hands perched upon her hips. “ Look. But no smart ass comments and no laughing. My confidence can’t take it.”

“Your confidence needs a serious makeover. Now let me see.”

She watches through the mirror as his eyes flutter opening; slowly widening as far as they possibly can, followed by a dramatic collapse back into his seat and a hand placed over his heart.

“Fuck…” she grimaces. “...that bad?”

“That bad? That GOOD. Desmond Brownell approves. You look…” he gives two chef’s kisses. “...delicious. I’d bang you. And I have high standards.”

“I’ve seen some of your dates. Your standards are questionable at best.”

“You wound me, Big E. Mortally wound me. That…” he nods in her direction. “...was made for you. Your body is tighter and hotter than you obviously realize. Curves like a back road. And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.”

“You don’t think it’s too much? Or should I say, too little? I am forty-one.”

“Who gives a shit? You look amazing.”

“I’ve had seven kids.”

“Especially amazing for someone that’s popped out that many crotch goblins. Sold. The dress is sold. This isn’t up for debate.”

“I can’t buy something like this. It’s just...not me.”

“It damn well is YOU. I’ll buy it for you. A little extra Christmas gift.”

“A thousand dollar dress is hardly a little Christmas gift. And it’s a little pricey, don’t you think? For fabric?”

“Honey, you really need to get out of Target and up your shopping game. I know how much money you all have, I know you can afford it. I know you could probably afford this whole store. And then some.”

“It isn’t about money. It’s about me. And being out of my comfort zone. I don’t dress like this. I live on the beach. In Australia. We wear shorts and tanks and never wear shoes. Where the hell would I wear this?”

“Date night.”

“Like we have places I could wear this to. I mean, I guess we could go to Cairns. I’ve seen women in some pretty expensive clothes there. I could always talk him into a weekend away. It wouldn’t be hard. And we are going to Santorini in April.”

“That’d be perfect for Santorini. Hell, just wear it in the house. In the bedroom. Just to spice things up a bit. I’m sure he doesn’t see you dressed up very often.”

“Try like never,” Esme laughs. “Okay, maybe that’s a lie. I DO wear makeup when we go out. And cute little sundresses.”

“What about when you got married?”

“I wore something off the clearance rack at a bridal store in Sydney. Cost a hundred bucks. It was nothing fancy.”

“But you wore a little tiara and veil and all that, right?”

“It wasn’t that kind of wedding. I was five months pregnant with Millie. It was a little wedding chapel. We had six guests. It wasn’t fancy.”

“E, you’ve been robbed. You need that bride moment. What about the first time?”

“Las Vegas. Even more casual. Zero out of five stars. Would not recommend.”

“Oh no, honey. No. That’s wrong. So wrong. You deserve so much better. You deserve a big day. You deserve to be a bride. A REAL bride. Poofy white dress, little bling in your hair, fancy little shoes…”

“Seven kids and I’m going to wear white? I think not.”

“I’m having a serious talk with that man of yours. Vow renewals are a thing you know.”

“He’s brought it up. A couple of times. Which is weird, because I never thought he’d ever think of something like that. This is Tyler we’re talking about. This is a man that can kill people with his bare hands. Who has his own brand of romance. Which I love, by the way. But it’s very odd he’d bring up something like that. Getting married again.”

“Maybe he wants to see you all done up. Looking like a bride.”

“Trust me, Des. Tyler doesn’t care about that stuff. That isn’t him.”

“Maybe he’s come to care about that stuff. Maybe he’s getting a softer side to him. Or, his soft side is getting even more soft.”

“Don’t ever tell him that. He’d kill YOU with his bare hands. Do you really think I should get this dress?”

“I think you’d be stupid not to. And you, are NOT a stupid woman. Treat yourself. You deserve it.”

“You know what? I do. I DO deserve it. And I think he’ll really like it. Maybe I’ll even give him a little sneak peek later. You know, to judge his reaction to it.”

“Oh I think I know what his reaction is going to be. Don’t wear any underwear. Just let him yank the dress up and have his way with you.”

“Maybe you know him better than I realize,” Esme laughs. “Fine. I’ll buy it. But if he hates it, I am totally throwing you under the bus.”

“Alright...alright…” Desi holds his hands up in surrender. “...I’ll take one for the team. Now get your little ass in there and get changed. This big man needs to eat.”

*****

“So this neighbour you mentioned,” Desi says, as he nods his appreciation at the hostess who seats them at their table, then gallantly pulls Esme’s chair out and waits for her to sit. “What’s that about?”

She rolls her eyes. “Natalie. She just moved in a few doors down. Her and her little girl.”

“Are you talking about the blond that has the goddamn gall to wear real fur?” Desi slides into the seat across from her. “The one that needs a chisel to take off her makeup at the end of the night?”

“That’s her. The one who looks like Sephora threw up on her face. Too bad you can’t apply makeup on the inside to make something more attractive. Because she is a real peach.”

“Bottle of your best house red,” Desi requests, and then flips open the leather bound menu placed in front of him. “How’d you meet her?”

“Well, it turns out she doesn’t just have the gall to wear real fur. She also has the gall to go after married men. And in this case, MY man.”

“Uh oh. Something tells me this didn’t end well.”

“I’m very protective of what’s mine. Maybe some people would call it possessive.”

“I definitely would call it that. Not that I blame you. I’d be the same way. Hell, I’d probably never let him leave the damn house.”

“I know what a good thing I have. I know how hot my husband is. I’ve seen him naked. Many times. What’s underneath? Even better than what’s on top. And what’s on top? That’s really damn good, know what I mean?”

“I know what you mean. And I’m just saying, I wouldn’t protest if you sent me nudes of him. Our little secret.”

“My husband IS hot. And he’s beautiful and he’s amazing and he’s this walking study in masculinity. But he’s just that. MY husband. I don’t share. With anyone.”

“Tell me about it. I’ve spent three years begging you just to let me cop a feel.”

“So I don’t appreciate some thirsty female from five doors down, honing in my territory. No one is pissing in my front yard. No one. And it’s not just that I’m possessive and there’s no way in hell I’m sharing great dick, but Tyler isn’t like that. He doesn’t do shit like that. He is a lot of things, but a cheater is not one of them. That is one thing I’ve never had to worry about. He is loyal. Fiercely loyal. And he’s had his chances. If he wanted to stray, he would have. Easily.”

“Never struck me as the type who would. He’s way too in love with you. Way too faithful. I see the way he looks at you. Stars and hearts in his eyes. He definitely thinks rainbows and butterflies fly out your ass. So this Natalie…”

“They met at the park. He took Tanner there; after their morning out. And this Natalie was there. Tyler made small talk. And small talk is even exaggerating. Tyler doesn’t do small talk. Any talk, for that matter.”

Desi nods in agreement. “Took me damn near a whole weekend just to get him to say two words. That voice though? Woody. Instant.”

“Well I guess Natalie took his small talk for something else entirely. Which I don’t get, because Tyler is civil, at best. He’s just not a people person. He tries. But you know what he’s like. How he comes across. He’s very rough around the edges and doesn’t take shit and doesn’t care for formalities. He’s a man of very few words. Whatever words he said, she read way too much into. She showed up at the house. Looking for him.”

Desi looks up from his menu, a scowl forming on his face. “She did not.”

“Oh, she very much did. And get this. She made him cookies.”

“What kind of cookies?”

Esme stares at him pointedly.

“I like details. I’m detail oriented. I can’t help it.”

“Oatmeal raisin.”

“The most traitorous cookie out of them all. For shame. I’m disappointed. If you want a man to climb in your bed, you don’t lead with oatmeal raisin. Please tell me your man don’t like that shit.”

“Rest assured, he hates them and your opinion and lust for him can stay intact. But you can believe that? She came calling on my husband. She brought him cookies. And I’m pretty sure if he’d been home, she would have offered him HER cookie.”

“Probably just as nasty as the ones she makes. Probably got cobwebs and dust bunnies and all that shit. Maybe even a barbed wire fence blocking the entrance. So what happened?”

“Well, she got the cold shoulder and snarkiness from Millie first.”

“That’s my girl.”

“And then I talked to her and she was bitchy and off hand and she’s lucky I didn’t throat punch her. She had all kinds of snarky things to say. About my name, about my appearance, about having so many kids. I let her know that I wasn’t having any of her shit. That I was onto her. I told her I didn’t know what kind of married men she was used to, but my husband isn’t one of them. That he wasn’t...and never would be...interested.”

“And?”

“And she left. We fed the cookies to the dogs. Or tried to. Even they didn’t like them. Man’s best friend, indeed.”

A waitress brings the wine; cheerfully introducing herself before taking their orders. Desi waits until she leaves before uncorking the bottle and filling both glasses. Offering a toast to a warm and safe Christmas holiday and the perks and perils of love and friendships. And they’re in the middle of sharing stories of his last trip to Australia -his encounters with the both the ‘friendly neighbourhood Aussies’ and the wildlife that so freely roams and enjoys their stretch of land- when her cell phone loudly vibrates within the confines of her purse. Had Tyler not been out with all of the children and it not been a common thing to often run into some kind of issues with handling so many bodies, she would have just ignored it. And she wishes she had; frowning at the number splashed across the screen and then dropping the phone back into her bag.

“Your mom again?”

Nodding, she takes a swallow of wine. “Third time already today. Only four or five more to go. Maybe she’ll even make it an even dozen before sundown.”

“Can she not read the signs? It’s quite obvious you don’t want to speak to her. What’s her issue?”

“It’s probably easier to ask ‘what isn’t her issue?’. There’s many. So very, very, VERY many.”

“I already know about what she was like you when were growing up. I’m surprised you turned out as normal and sane as you are. It’s more than that?”

“So much more, Des. Where do you want me to start?”

“Start with the biggest one. Or most recent.”

“She hates Tyler. With the passion of a thousand fiery suns. The seventh layer of hell? I don’t think that even burns as hot as her hate for him.”

“Why? He’s a good guy. Treats you right, loves his kids. Will fight like hell to protect what’s us. Die for it, even. What’s to hate?”

“So you know how Tyler and I met. The whole ‘pretend husband and wife’ thing.”

“Yeah, to find Ovi and save him. What about it?”

“Well you also know what happened. During those five days in Dhaka. Between Tyler and I. Believe me when I say that I’m not normally like that. Spend nearly a week banging a guy I barely know. Unprotected, at that. And at the risk of too much information, Tyler was only the third guy I’d ever been with. Sexually speaking. So what happened between us? Totally uncharacteristic for me. It was unconventional. How we met. But, it worked out. We wanted more. We wanted to get to know each other. See if we could make something out of nothing. And we did. We made a life. A beautiful life. And seven little human beings.”

“And she’s got a problem with that because…?”

“After what happened on the bridge, I decided to stay. At the hospital he was flown to in Mumbai. It was touch and go and he didn’t have anyone else and if he wasn’t going to make it, I didn’t want him to be alone. He deserved better than that. And a week later they brought him out of the medically induced coma and he was breathing on his own and he woke up and he was so happy to see me. You should have seen how he smiled at me, Des. He has a beautiful smile. But that? That smile he gave when he realized I was real and I was actually sitting there? By his bed? I had never seen anything like that and I’ve never seen anything like it since. He was happy and relieved and he wanted me there. He even said he was scared to close his eyes at night because he was afraid I wouldn’t be there when he woke up.”

“He was already head over heels for ya. Guess that was his way of telling you.”

“When the hospital said they were shipping him to another back in Australia, he asked if I would go with him. By then I was already invested. I mean, it was three weeks later and I’d already spent time helping him feed himself and getting him on his feet and to the bathroom and taking him to in-patient physio and all of that. I was already in love with him. Of course I was going to Australia. It was never in doubt.”

“And let me guess, it ruffled your mother’s feathers.”

Nodding, Esme takes a long sip of wine. “She wasn’t in control. Of me. And she couldn’t stand it. Neither she or my brothers no longer had in any say in how I was going to live my life. The Esme they knew? She died on that bridge. Or maybe she was left behind. I had a chance. To make a new life for myself. And I took it. I went to Australia and I decided that was where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with HIM. So I took what money we had and I got us an apartment and he put me in charge of handling everything; medical decisions, financial stuff. And then, I found out I was having Millie. Which, to be honest, wasn’t a huge surprise because what do you expect when you spend five days having totally unprotected sex? And I told Tyler and I gave him a choice. If he didn’t want me or the baby, I’d walk away and I’d go home and I’d never contact him again. I told him I didn’t expect anything from him. And I didn’t want him feeling obligated to me or the baby.”

“That must have went over well.”

“Well, needless to say, he wanted the baby. And me. So I stuck around. I was by his side through his whole hospital stay and through all the therapy and his stint in rehab and then we settled down in our new life. And we got married and had Millie. My family? They couldn’t stand it. They couldn’t accept it. They couldn’t accept HIM.”

“All because you decided to make a new life for yourself?”

“That was it. Tyler became public enemy number one. My mom convinced everyone that he stole me away. That he was manipulative and abusive and that I was scared to leave him.”

“Jesus Christ…”

“Right? Tyler is so far from manipulative or abusive. He lived that life. He was on the receiving end of that. And he’s tried his hardest not to walk in his father’s footsteps. And believe me, he’s nothing like his old man. Not in the slightest. But no matter how much or how hard I argue, she doesn’t listen to me. She sees him as this horrible person. That took her baby girl away. And when he had the nerve to stick up for me? Against her and my brothers? That made things worse! You think they would have been happy. I found this amazing man who’s totally in love with me; who sees past all my bullshit and my ugly parts. That should have been enough for them. A guy that’s made me the centre of his universe. Who makes me happy and who I love more than I ever thought I COULD love someone. Who helped me make seven incredible little human beings. Why isn’t any of that enough?”

“I don’t know,” Desi says. “I wish I did. I wish I had the answers. ALL the answers.”

“Yet they practically idolize Mark. It makes no sense. They knew what he was like. They knew he was abusive. And they enabled him. They gaslighted me just as much as he did. And I would have left a thousand times over had they not constantly pressured me into giving him another chance. Had they not convinced me that everything was my fault. My mom stayed friends with him. Right up until he died. What kind of sick person does that? Stays friends with their own kid’s abuser?”

“You hit the nail on the head. A sick one.”

“Constantly kissing his ass and making him out to be some kind of white knight yet having all this shit to say about Tyler. They hate him because he refuses to be like them. Because he stands up to them. Because for once, someone loves me enough to have my back. That’s it. That’s why they hate him. And the things they’ve said? Especially since finding out he’s a mercenary? Constantly wishing death on him? Saying him dying would be the best thing to happen to me and the kids? Who says things like that? I almost lost Addie because of her. I came back from Ireland because I found out I was pregnant and my mom got on her bullshit and I almost lost my baby. Tyler came all the way back just to make sure I was okay. He wouldn’t have done it if he’s even a fraction as evil as they claim he is.”

“You realize it that isn’t really about him, right? That it’s all them. Because they don’t have that control. Over you.”

“I thought it would be all over and done with when we kicked my brother to the curb. I thought once he and Tyler had it out and Tyler kicked the shit out of him, that would be it. That we’d never hear from any of them again. You know how peaceful it’s been? Five years of no phone calls, no text messages, no emails. Five years of pure bliss. And now this…” she nods down at the purse sitting in her lap. “...her on my ass every day, multiple times a day. Isn’t it enough that I acknowledge that the kids received their Christmas gifts? That I showed appreciation and I said they’d send thank you cards? You think that would be enough. Our lives have been so good. Quiet and happy and peaceful. And it’s like she knows that. It’s like she knows how good things are and just has to screw it all up.”

“Normally I say just ignore them. Just wash toxic people out of your life and keep them out of your life. But if she’s as determined as she is, it’s only going to get worse. She won’t stop trying to get a hold of you. And as hard as it’ll be to talk to her, that might be the only way to get her to stop. Let her know. Say ‘thanks, but no thanks’.”

“I can not allow her back into my life. OUR lives. I can’t allow any of them back in. I will NOT have my kids surrounded by that ugliness. I will not have people around them that talk shit about their father. Because you know what? I know he’s not perfect. I know he has his issues. He’s the first one to admit it. But he is an amazing dad and he is totally devoted to those kids and they love him beyond all comprehension. And I won’t allow people to talk about him like that. I won’t allow them to break my kids’ hearts…” her voice cracks with emotion, and she takes a swallow of wine to clear away the lump sitting square in her throat. “....I won’t let anyone talk about Tyler like that. He’s not a perfect man, but he’s a good man. And he loves me and he loves his kids. He saved me, Des. In every way a person can be saved. And I won’t let anyone disrespect him like that.”

“Tell them that. Tell them EXACTLY that.”

“I have. I have said it until I was practically blue in the face. They don’t care. They say I’m ‘defending my abuser’. In what alternate universe is he considered an abuser? He has never...ever...raised a hand to me. He’s always said he’d kill himself before he ever let things get that out of control. That he’d never be able to live with himself if he even thought about hurting me like that. And maybe in a way, I DO understand some of the way they think. He’s lived a hard life. A violent life. First the military, then as a mercenary. Yes, he’s killed people. With his bare hands. But he’s never done it because he wanted to. Or because he enjoyed it. He did it because he HAD to. Because it was either him or them. He is not a monster. Regardless of what they think. Or even he thinks sometimes.”

“You’ve never been scared of him?”

“Never. And you know what? If he WANTED to, he could do some serious damage to me. He could kill me. No question about it. But that thought has never, ever crossed my mind. I’ve never been afraid of him. Not even at his worst. When he went back to drinking all the time and abusing the pain meds and we fought constantly. And yeah, there were times he DID lose it. Where he put a fist through the wall or grabbed me trying to stop me from walking away or trying to calm me down and talk some sense into me. But I’ve never been scared of him. Because even at his worst, I knew he loved me. I knew none of his issues were about me. That was him and his brain and not knowing how to cope. And they just don’t get it. They think he’s somehow frightened me into sticking around. That he’s been forcing me to have children. Because it somehow keeps me around.”

“Sounds more like they have the issues. Not you guys.” Desi reaches for the bottle of wine, refilling both their glasses.

“We’re not perfect. And Lord knows we have had some really shitty times. Where we didn’t think we were going to make it. But you know what? We did. We fixed our shit and we made things work. We both busted our asses to change. And he still busts his ass every day to make up for all the bad. We work at it, Des. Every day we work at it. Because we love each other and we both know what it's like to be from a broken home. And we won’t do that to our kids. We won’t let them grow up like that. So we work at it. And it hasn’t been easy. But there’s been more great times than bad times.”

“You two are strong. What you got is strong. No one can deny that. I’ve seen it. With my own two eyes.”

“I will not let my family ruin us. They tried. And in Colorado, they almost succeeded. But we got away. We moved back home. Our REAL home. And we never looked back. I won’t let them destroy things for us. Not when we’ve worked so hard to get where we are.”

“You’re going to have to deal with her, Esme. She isn’t going to go away. Not from what I’ve seen.”

“And I will. I WILL talk to her. After Christmas. I just want to get through the holiday. I just want things to be happy and peaceful. Especially for the kids. I don’t want anyone ruining Christmas for them. Once it’s over and things calm down, I WILL talk to her. But right now? I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

“It’s all going to be alright,” Desi assures her, and reaches across the table to give her hand a comforting squeeze. “Everything’s going to work out.”

“Tyler isn’t perfect. He’s the first one to admit that. In the same way I’m not. But you know what? We’re perfect for each other. And in the end, that’s all that matters.”

*****

When she arrives home she finds the three littlest fast asleep; tightly snuggled together on the area rug in front of the Christmas tree and covered by the knitted throw usually draped over the back of the sofa. Saju and Mac nap close by; curled up together in front of the front of the fireplace and merely blinking their eyes in a form of acknowledging her presence. She can hear Millie and Alannah upstairs; giggling and chattering, their feet stomping overhead as they play a dance game on the XBox. The three oldest boys are out in the backyard; laughter drifting inside as they hide behind ‘fortress’ walls and lob snowballs at one another. It's rare to see the three of them enjoying time together. Tanner normally not comfortable with the more raucous play and choosing quiet time; up in his room reading a book or writing stories or building intricate lego scenes in front of the fireplace.

She stands in the sunroom and watches them; smiling at how jovial and lighthearted they are. Their faces bright and happy; no cares in the world aside from the balls of snow and ice being tossed in their direction. Despite everything they’d been through, they’re spirits so brilliant and bubbly, continuing to love the world and everyone in it. Tanner and TJ (along with Millie) are able to remember the more difficult times in Colorado and being whisked to Mumbai under false pretenses; told they were going on a family vacation only to be sent back to Australia without either parent and then told their father very well might never come home. They still talk about it from time to time; how scary it had been to be away from both mom AND dad and how worried they’d been when they thought their daddy may never make it back to them. They’re able to vividly recall visiting him in the hospital; the scars and bruises on his face that had been in various stages of healing, the sling keeping his badly wounded and surgically repaired shoulder in place, the ‘cage’ that had encased his right thigh, the tremendous amount of weight and muscle he had lost. It HAD been traumatic; more than two months without their father under the same roof and seeing him so wounded and vulnerable.

They’d needed their own therapy; the trauma manifesting itself through moments of rage and aggression and troubles sleeping at night. A child psychologist recommended to them by Doctor Klein had done them all a world of good; disguising therapy with music and play and helping them express their emotions and their fears. And within six months they were back to their old selves; grades climbing and their social skills improving, the rage and aggression diminishing. It still haunts them from time to time; a fear that returns whenever daddy has to leave home for work. But for the most part they’ve healed exceptionally well; full of energy and light and humour and possessing enormous amounts of compassion and empathy.

She finds Tyler in the main floor office; a central area of the main floor that had been the previous owner’s sewing and craft room. It’s close enough to keep an ear out for the kids; able to hear them both inside and out. And a security system enables him to keep an eye on any area of the house; live images cast back to the flat screen television mounted on the wall above the desk. Five years years ago she would have called him paranoid for insisting on such measures. Overprotective, even. But that was until someone had gotten close enough to Addie to steal a stuffed animal right out of her crib. Had the culprit wanted her, she would have been long gone in the middle of the night. And they most likely never would have seen her again. The terror of that night is still very real; the thought of someone reaching across her tiny body to take something so simple in the course of sending a very clear message.

After that, Esme had vowed to never call him paranoid or overprotective again. Evil had gotten too close. WAY too close. And she now understands his fierce and rabid determination to do whatever it takes to keep his family safe.

She watches him from the doorway; intently working at the computer. Admiring the glasses perched upon his face and the lines of his profile; the strong, stubbled jaw and the curve of his lips and the bump in the bridge of his nose. The scars that had long ago become part of him. Marring the left side of his forehead and by his left eye; old wounds that he’d possessed when they’d first met. A handful of others have been added since then. The edge of a metal shovel cutting wide and deep; the scar travelling from the very corner of his right eye and up his forehead and snaking up into his hairline. And the ones left behind from Nathan. The one above his eyebrow thin and faint, the one below his eye much wider and jagged and stretching all the way to his temple. That one had been the worst; deep enough for the knife blade to hit bone and cause irreparable damage to nerves and muscle. And while most would see them as blemishes and flaws, she sees it as adding to his beauty; souvenirs of not only a hard and dangerous life, but of survival.

“Hey,” she greets as she wanders into the room. “What’cha doing, handsome?”

“Just some shit that came up. I would have ignored it, but…”

She stands at the back of his chair. Fingers and thumbs rubbing at tense shoulder muscles before wrapping both arms around his neck; leaning over him and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, followed by his temple. “Everything alright?”

“Koen ran into some issues. On the job he took. Not going as smooth as we’d hoped it would. Just had to send him some extra cash. And put him in contact with someone who could get him some extra gear.”

“He’s alright though? He’s not in any trouble?”

“He’s fine. Nothing he can’t handle. I know I said I wouldn’t bother with work stuff until we go back home, but…”

“Sometimes it can’t be helped. It’s the nature of the beast. It isn't the most predictable of careers. I’m glad to see you survived your day out with the spawn. Is your sanity still intact?”

“What was left of it. I don’t know how much I had to begin with.”

“I also noticed all seven AND Alannah made it back. Success.”

“They were good. No trouble. They all behaved themselves. Shockingly.”

“Your feral offspring all behaving at once? Hell must have frozen over.”

He gives a small chuckle, then turns his face into her and presses a chaste kiss to her lips. A frown tugging at the corners of his mouth as he pulls back to look at her.

“What’s that look for?”

“Why do you still have your hat on? It’s fucking boiling in here.”

“It’s part of my surprise. I have something to show you.”

“Yeah?” A slow grin begins to spread across his face. “I’ve already seen you naked. Many times. Not that it’s not awesome each time it happens. I’m not complaining.”

“As much as I’d love to just drop my clothes right here and rock your world, it’s something else. I did something. While I was out.”

“New ink?”

“Nope.”

“You got something pierced, didn’t you. Something naughty. Something very naughty.”

“You wish. Those days are long behind me. But it is a surprise. And I want you to promise you won’t freak out. When you see it.”

“How bad is it? Usually when you tell me not to freak out, it’s pretty fucking bad.”

“It’s not bad. It’s just...surprising. You ready?”

“Is it a good thing I’m already sitting down?”

“It’s probably for the best. Turn your chair towards me and close your eyes.”

“Esme…”

“Tyler…”

“What the hell have you done?”

“Just do it. Humour me. Please.”

“Fine.” Turning his back towards the computer, he closes his eyes. “This isn’t where you tell me you want to try pegging is it? Because I thought I’ve already made it perfectly clear that there is no fucking chance of that happening. EVER.”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s nothing sexual. Get your mind out the gutter, sheesh.”

“I’m sorry, have we met? It permanently lives in the gutter.”

“Never mind viagra. Maybe they can give you something to calm your dick down.”

“You’d miss it. Don’t deny it. It would hurt you just as much as it would hurt me. Are we going to do this surprise sometime today or…?”

Removing the knit beanie from her head, she tosses it out the desk and then runs her fingers through her hair. She feels naked and exposed; the dark tresses that had once reached the middle of her back now shorn and styled into a side parted, sleek bob that skims her earlobes. “Promise you won’t freak out.”

“I promise I won’t lose my shit.”

“Okay...open them...but remember, no freaking out.”

“I don’t know what the big deal is. If it’s nothing dirty or kinky or piercing of some kind…” His eyes flutter open, then slowly widen as the reality of what’s before him sets in.

“You hate it don’t you.”

“I don’t hate it. I just...wow...that’s...NOT what I was expecting.”

“You do, don’t you. Hate it. I knew you would. You always hate when I do something with my hair. Like when I decided to get bangs.”

“In all fairness, I didn’t hate them. I just wasn’t a fan.”

“But you HATE this? This haircut. You hate it being so short, don’t you.”

“Actually…” he slides the chair closer to her and lays his hands on her hips. “...I love it.”

“Yeah?” A smile replaces the nervous frown. “Really?”

“Really. I wouldn’t lie to you, Me. That’s not who I am. Not anymore, anyway.”

“You sure you like it? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

“I think you look beautiful. It suits you. You got this cute, tiny little face. Your hair shows it off. I really do love it. You look amazing.”

Placing her hands on the sides of his face, she leans down to kiss him. “It was time for a change. Something different. Something I didn’t have to spend hours on when we go out. You’re sure? One hundred percent? You really do love it?”

“I do. You look beautiful.” Laying a palm on the back of her head, he pulls her down into a kiss. And she laughs into his mouth when his free hand latches onto her hip and she loses her balance and topples into him. “You’re beautiful, Me. Always.”

“I really was worried you wouldn’t like it,” she says, as she settles herself sideways on his thighs. “So you’ve made my day. My year, actually.”

“It suits you. You look amazing, baby. I wouldn’t lie about that.”

“Speaking of making my year, I’m about to make yours.”

“We’re talking about butt stuff, aren’t we.”

“No!” she laughs, and playfully tousles his hair. “I mean, maybe later. When the kids are out.”

“Where are they going? You banishing them to the backyard?”

“Desi offered to take them.”

“All of them?”

“Every last one. Even Alannah. He’s going to take them out for dinner and to Central Park. To see Santa and the reindeer. Maybe do some skating. And then, he’s going to take them to his place. They’re going to have a camp out. In the living room.”

“So we get the house to ourselves? All night?”

“All night,” she confirms. “And well into the morning. You know what that means?”

“Butt stuff.”

She sighs in exasperation. “I means you don’t have to wait until New Years Eve for wild and crazy AND noisy sex with your wife.”

“We might have to tone down the noise. The kids will be right next door. They could still hear us.”

“That’s a fair point. So noisy is out. But wild and crazy are definitely in.”

Tyler grins. “I can do wild and crazy.”

“Oh, I know you can. You’re a master at it. A master at anything sexual, now that I think about it. Man, did I ever luck out. Landing you.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m the lucky one. Girl like you putting up with my shit? You’re one in a million, babe. No doubt about it.”

“I love you,” she says, pressing a kiss to his ear and then nuzzling his temple with the tip of her nose. “More than you could ever know. And thank you. For being you. And for loving me the way you do.”

Smiling, he turns his face into hers and places his lips to her brow; a hand coming up to comb through her hair, palm settling on the nape of her neck. “You’ve made it pretty damn easy.”

[script-a-world]

Hey a recent question about animal speech has popped on your blog. It got me thinking that even the same species - could there be differences in anatomy? If we talk about humans - same anatomy, different langauges. But there seems to be anatomy that makes it harder for certain races. Like rolling tongues. People I personally who descended from races who use that in their native languages learn it way better even if they only learned the language much later in life. On the other hand, people who

On the other hand, people who descended from races who don't use that in their native languages found it harder or impossible to do so do regardless of learning the language when young or later in life. It really makes it sounds like there's actually an anatomy difference and isn't simply a learning thing. Of course, this is also based on personal observations and knowing the people in question.

Feral: Hi there, Nonny! We’re always glad to hear from our readers, even if it’s not a question! Normally, we don’t really respond to non-questions on the blog beyond a “thanks for the message,” but I personally feel obligated to address this response to our post on talking animals. There seems to me to be two areas of confusion. 1) the misunderstanding of two very similar sounding phrases, and 2) some extreme, bordering on dangerous, misinformation on genetics, race, and language development.

The first area is easy enough to address. The ability to roll your tongue, in other words make funny shapes like a hot dog bun or a clover with your tongue, is genetically inherited and, as far as anyone here at SAW is aware, is completely and totally irrelevant to human language production. The ability to “roll your R’s,” which is called trilling, is not at all genetically predetermined. It’s a trait of some languages and anyone, provided a decent instructor and no specific birth defects or injuries affecting the tongue and alveolar ridge, can learn to do it properly.

The second area is not so much a straightforward mistake as it is a lifetime of being indoctrinated with faulty “science,” race essentialism, and racial coding as well as a fundamental misunderstanding of the difference between race and ethnicity and how language develops.

Race is a social construct. It is, as they say, only skin deep. The idea that some people have different anatomy because of their race is beyond absurd. I’m sure it’s not what you were thinking about when you wrote your ask, but this idea is descended from the same racist “science” that shaped and defended the belief that Black people have smaller brains and are therefore biologically incapable of being as smart as white people and that they have “thicker skin” and don’t feel pain, which at the time was used to alleviate concerns that beating enslaved people senseless might not be a good thing to do and now, in 2020, is still used against BIPOC in medical care, especially when it comes to pain management. That there is a fundamental anatomical difference between the people of various racial groups is a bogus claim.

The myth of the monolithic racial experience is part of what is known as cultural race essentialism, and it is not a good thing, especially because it is not a true thing. BIPOC living around the world, even within the same country, have different cultures and speak different languages. Pacific Islanders living around the world, and within the same country, have different cultures and speak different languages. White people living around the world, and within the same country, have different cultures and speak different languages. Asian people living around the world, and within the same country, have different cultures and speak different languages.  Native Americans living around the world, and within the same country, have different cultures and speak different languages.

These cultural identities are ethnicities, and they include nationalities, like Italian, Russian, and Mexican, and smaller groups, like Sardinian, Tatar, and Nahua, as well as groups that encompass a huge range of others, like Hispanic or Latinx. That there could be anatomical differences between all these groups that change how they are able to produce language, despite people often belonging to more than one, is even more absurd.

Language is cultural, and the language(s) any person natively speaks has to do with their cultural/ethnic identity(ies), not their race, and how difficult a new language is to learn has nothing to do with biological differences between races and ethnic groups. My being white does not make it easier for me to learn Russian because it’s a “white person’s language.” Nor will I find it easier to learn Irish because my great-grandparents were Irish immigrants.

Genetic, anatomical differences based on a person’s ancestry suggests that this would be part of human evolution, and I’d like to remind you that humans evolved into our modern form about 200,000 years ago. (there is some debate about when our “language gene” FOXP2 settled in, but the theory nearest to us is 43,000 years ago and there’s also a theory that it was more like 260,000 years ago… my point is) There are no languages spoken today that were spoken then. We don’t have a clue what languages spoken back then could have possibly sounded like, but we do know that languages change over time. Sometimes quite drastically. Try reading an “untranslated” version of Chaucer, who wrote in English in the 14th century. Or think about the fact that Shakespeare’s English, which is only a little more than 400 years old, doesn’t sound the same: “Devouring Time, blunt thou the lion's paws, / And make the earth devour her own sweet brood; / Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger's jaws, / And burn the long-liv'd Phoenix in her blood” used to have an ABAB rhyming scheme.

Our vocal tracts evolved a long time ago to make all the sounds any language requires today.

Sounds are added and dropped from languages over time, but not only that, sounds are different in a given language in different places. I speak a Southern American dialect; pick a random person from London and a random person from Minneapolis, and it’s likely both will fail at replicating it. But they can learn. We can always learn if we’re willing to try and don’t give up before we even start.

The first time you’re introduced to someone with a name that uses a sound your native language does not have, it will be really difficult; it won’t come out right. And most people don’t have a personal dialect coach walking them through how to make those new sounds. But you can try and you can practice and you can watch videos of dialect coaches and speech therapists and linguist nerds on YouTube, and eventually, you can get it. Because all humans are capable of affording each other the basic decency of caring to say each other’s names properly.

[yuta-nakamots]

Beautiful Time - h.rj ; Part 3 of 6

Pairing - Vampire!Renjun x Reader

Genre - Fluff with a hint of angst

Warnings - Mentions of blood, description of feeding

Summary - Vampires are creatures forced to walk upon the earth for longer than humans could possibly imagine. One would think it gets boring after a while, but not to Renjun, the foreign exchange student who seems to know a little too much about the early twentieth century.

Word Count - 2.5k

A/N - this chapter is shorter than the rest of them because i was more concerned about moving the plot along but i promise the next few will be a  lot more packed

Following the sudden end to your previously joyful Christmas party, a general agreement is made that Haechan will now live with Renjun and Jaemin for his own safety and that all three of them will not leave their apartment more than necessary to decrease the chances of getting tailed by the hunters. Again, Haechan stays in Jaemin’s room, though this time, a permanent addition, and you stay with Renjun. He had told you the party was going to be a sleepover so you had brought your own clothes, however, you opted to wear one of his shirts instead, taking in his calming scent.

As you settled into his bed while he sat at his desk, anxiously hunched over his computer, you heard the muffled sounds of a shooting game coming from Jaemin and Haechan’s room as your mind wandered to what would happen to you and Renjun now that the hunters were an issue, though you didn’t let it weigh on your mind for too long, wanting to hear an answer from Renjun himself. You called his name softly, receiving a light hum in response from him. “What do you plan on doing about the hunters? Are you planning on just avoiding them?”

Renjun leaned back in his seat, closing his laptop as he formulated an answer, “To be honest, I knew this would happen sooner or later so I already had a plan, it’s just a matter of putting it into action,” he glanced over at you before continuing, “I’m going to send Haechan and Jaemin over to my hometown in China where they can stay in a house that belongs to my family. I have connections there so I know they will be protected” he explained.

You rolled onto your side to face him, noticing the brighter red coloring of his eyes as you asked, “what about you? What about us, Renjun?”

Renjun replied to you while he changed his own clothes and got into bed next to you. “I plan on staying here for the remainder of the school year to make sure you’re safe,” he said, pulling the blanket up to cover both of you even if he didn’t need it, “though once you graduate, I’m not too sure how much longer I’ll be able to stay around given the severity of the hunters’ antics. I suppose I’ll go with you to wherever you choose to go and pursue your future plans if you do want to leave home.”

“I’m willing to go to China after graduation,” you proposed, feeling his arms wrap around your waist and pulling you closer towards him, “there’s bound to be a school I like over there and if it means you and the others will be safe, I’m more than happy to make the move.”

Renjun placed a soft kiss to your lips before speaking, “y/n, are you sure you want to do that? You’d be leaving your entire life behind”, he said, looking into your eyes, searching them for a definitive answer.

“If it’s for you, I’ll do anything as long as you’re by my side” you stated as Renjun began to butterfly kiss his way to your jaw.

He lightly groaned into your neck as one of his hands found yours, intertwining your fingers, “you’re such a good girl, y/n, I can’t believe you’re mine.” You looked down at him, your eyes meeting his.

“Renjun, are you hungry?”

“Not in the conventional way you would be, darling.”

“Feed from me, Renjun,” you practically pleaded, “mark me as yours.”

Renjun pulled back from you suddenly, rolling onto his back and looking up at the ceiling. “Y/n are you sure you want this? Are you sure you want my marks on you where people will know you’re in a relationship with one of us?”

You threw one of your legs over his, pulling him back towards you, allowing you to trace shapes along his chest and stomach. “I wouldn’t move to China with you if I wasn’t willing to let you feed from me” you said, placing your hand on his cheek turning his head to face you for a second, his eyes turning an even brighter shade of red before he gently grabbed your wrist and returned his gaze to the ceiling as he sighed.

After an hour of reassuring Renjun that yes, you were sure you wanted this, he finally gave in to your wishes and fed from you.

He bit into your wrist, not wanting to risk marking your neck as it would be harder to hide. He doesn’t take much, just enough to satisfy himself, in turn making you a little drowsy and feeling like you wanted to fall asleep right then and there, the comfort of his bed enveloping you. You barely even noticed when Renjun had gotten up and left his room, coming back with a glass of water and a small blue packet. “This is a vitamin pack to restore the nutrients you lost” he explained, his words falling on virtually deaf ears as you were on the brink of sleep, though you still force yourself to drink the water and eat the vitamins he gave you before drifting off into slumber.

You woke up to the sound of the boys arguing out in the living room, Jaemin’s whining being hard to miss along with Haechan’s voice filled with annoyance. “Let me get this straight, you’re sending us to a country where we don’t even know the language while you get to stay here with your girlfriend” Jaemin exclaimed while you slowly got out of bed and made your way to the living room.

You heard Renjun sigh, “You’ll be safe in China, and I’m staying back to protect her. She said she’s willing to move with us after she graduates so I won’t be alone here for long.”

Haechan started to speak but Renjun cut him off, “Haechan, you know the plan. I’ll be fine.” Their heads turned to you as you entered the room, sleep still evident on your features.

Haechan looked back at Renjun, blurting out what he was going to say a few seconds earlier, “but she’s still just a human, she’s vulnerable no matter if you’re here or not.”

“Which is why I’m staying back to protect her” Renjun said through gritted teeth.

“She’s gonna have to be turned sooner or later though” Jaemin mused, eyeing you to gauge your reaction as he moved to sit down on the sofa, pulling out his phone.

“Guys, I’m literally right here,” you grumbled, “you could at least ask for my opinion.”

Haechan rolled his eyes and scoffed, “okay then, princess, what would you like to do on this matter?” His voice laced his sarcasm.

You mimicked his haughty expression before responding, “I’m willing to be turned...after graduation though.”

“That still means you’re vulnerable until the end of the school year” Haechan pointed out.

“Which is why I’ll be with her” Renjun seethed out of annoyance, his hands flying towards Haechan’s throat.

Haechan backed up, his arms raised in defense as if this were a normal occurrence, “okay okay, alright. We’ll go but only if you promise that she’ll be turned once she moves to join us.

“Fine.” Renjun huffed, though Jaemin wasn’t satisfied with that, forcing him and Haechan to shake on it, to ensure both parties would uphold their respective end of the bargain.

The second half of the school year goes by quickly, Renjun barely showing up to school, only coming to the class you had together all the while having just a single run-in with another hunter, though he told you he was able to take care of it easily. You had started looking up colleges in China within Jilin, the city Renjun said Haechan and Jaemin were now situated in. You found a few that interested you and applied to all of them, hoping that by some miracle you’d be accepted into at least one. You were so anxious about it that you asked Renjun to pull a few strings to get you into the one you liked most though he swore you could’ve gotten in on your own accord.

Given your good grades and other academic achievements, you were in the range of one of the best students in your class, however, you knew you wouldn’t be able to live out the college life you had dreamt for yourself, as this was only a facade so your parents would let you leave for China. Renjun went over the ‘plan’ with you and explained that once you arrived in China and settled down, you’d have to withdraw your enrollment due to the agreement he made with Haechan, where you would be turned once you moved in with them.

When you announced that you’d be studying abroad in China for your years in undergrad, it came as no shock to your friends and family. It was well known that you  had an interest in different languages and cultures, so they all congratulated you on your decision and bravery to study in a country you’ve never lived in before. But what they didn’t know was that you wouldn’t be coming back, or at least, not in their lifetime.

Graduation came quicker than expected, you having gotten sucked into the storm that was final projects and exams, but nevertheless, you managed to survive. Renjun didn’t come to your graduation ceremony or your grad party for obvious reasons, the biggest one being the fact that he doesn’t show up in any pictures or videos, which you would be taking a lot of on those days. But being one of your classmates, you did manage to find his name among the list in the program being handed out, his name as just another one of your many other classmates who were graduating alongside you, causing you to smile as you thought about taking this next leap of faith with him.

After all the ceremonies and parties had come and gone, you filled your time by often going over to Renjun’s apartment, neither of you worrying about projects and tests anymore, nor did you have to worry about Jaemin and, especially, Haechan, interrupting the two of you. You allowed Renjun to feed from you every so often, definitely more often than before, the act becoming a sort of bonding activity for the both of you. You found that Renjun enjoyed it most when he had you in his lap, your arms around his shoulders as your hands tangled in his hair.

But aside from getting to spend more quality time with him, you were also finally able to call Jaemin and Haechan, not previously being able to due to your schedule. You were overjoyed when you heard Jaemin cooing at you through the screen of Renjun’s laptop, “y/nnnn I miss you so so sooo very much, you miss me too, right?” Jaemin, making kissy faces at you as Haechan dry-heaved from somewhere else in the room along with Renjun gagging next to you.

You didn’t even mind when Haechan called you princess and told you to hurry over because dealing with Jaemin alone was quite a headache. You and Renjun stayed in a call with them for over three hours, only realizing how much time had passed when you let out a yawn, letting Renjun know you were starting to get tired. You both said your goodbyes to the other pair, Renjun flinching in disgust while ending the call as Jaemin rambled on about how he can’t wait to have you, his baby, back with him again.

You and Renjun did your nightly routines in silence, not feeling the need to talk to each other when you had just spent such a long time in conversation with some of the most high energy people either of you have ever met. As you were lying in bed, your body half over Renjun’s the reality of this whole situation finally hitting you that in just a few months your life was about to be drastically different from what it is right now. You’d have cut ties with your family, moved to a country that you barely even knew, and maybe even have become a vampire.

Renjun caught on to your tense state, your moments of overthinking becoming more and more common as the days passed by. “What are you thinking about, love?” He asked, rubbing your back as if to ease the pain you were feeling in your mind and soul. You unloaded your thoughts on him about your worries of the plan not going accordingly but also, more importantly, the anxiety you felt from having to leave behind your family and friends, the people who raised you, the people who stayed by your side through the many struggles you experienced.

You started tearing up as you spoke, your voice getting caught in your throat. Renjun pulled your head in his chest, his hands moving to caress your sides, running up and down them soothingly. “If it helps, think about it as if you are recreating yourself. You can make yourself into an entirely new person” he began, “when I first met Haechan, he said something like that. It had taken me a while to adjust to this new lifestyle because I didn’t like change but yet I didn’t like how it felt as if life was just going on without me while I’m forever stuck in the same state.”

You lifted your head to look up at him, only to have him gently press your head back down into his shoulder, allowing himself to run his hands through your hair, his fingers playing with the longer strands of it. “I feel like this is more of Haechan’s story to tell so I won’t say too much about it, but he had completely remade himself as he transitioned. His birth name is Donghyuck, but he told me not to call him that, to call him Haechan instead. He told me he was finding a way to live as himself while not getting stuck in the past as some of our kind does.” You let yourself relax into Renjun’s hold, enjoying the silkiness of his voice as it almost lulls you to sleep, though your brain suddenly starts up again at what he says next.

“Y/n, how about you take my last name,” he proposed, “not as in marriage per se, but as a way to help you separate your new self from your old self. Huang Y/n sounds quite nice.” You felt your cheeks heating up, causing you to bury yourself further into the shirt he was wearing, causing him to let out a laugh. “What? Do you not like that idea? Is it too soon?”

“Too soon, Renjun, too soon,” you acknowledge, “ask me again in a hundred years and I might say yes.”

“Might? Only ‘might’?” He questions, teasingly pulling your body against his and allowing himself to place playful kisses up your neck and jaw.

Willing your worries to go away, you melted into Renjun’s embrace and found yourself floating off into sleep as his kisses slowed and he started humming a song the two of you had embarrassingly danced to earlier that morning.

A/N - this chapter is shorter than the rest of them because i was more concerned about moving the plot along but i promise the next few will be a  lot more packed

@nct-writers​

[clearrevelationstarot]

1st Reading 7/4/20 (& Tumblr post!): PART 1:

Clear Revelations Tarot:

RE:  Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse (July 4th/5th; July 7th) & Summer Solstice Reading:

INTRO: Hi Everyone! There’s lots of diff. astrological changes happening rt now, at the same time as we move into Summer 2020, …  Because of this, I used various pathways to look at the information re: the things that are happening around us during this timeline, for this reading not just Tarot. I did a very detailed reading (Tarot), & also used a few ‘Wisdom Oracle’ decks AND a rune stone! • There are also many planetary energy shifts going on right now, & this also plays into how it all affects us, & in our world today.. (Re: our planet Earth w Covid; how these energies will be affecting us as a people, & what dynamic we will or won’t be standing for; & what to expect in the months ahead) =

• What was profound was, out of 11 original cards (that are in this Celtic Cross), 7! of them were Higher Life Lesson cards, (=the 22 Major Arcana tarot cards that correlate to different life lessons, we as people can experience at different points in our soul’s lifetime.)  Readings rarely ever happen to have this many Higher Life Lesson (Major Arcana) cards, within 1 reading. = I feel this means as a humanity, we asked for these lessons to occur specifically at this time, in order to spiritually grow as a species.. or as a humankind.. (not man or womankind, but both together as well).   •• NOTE:  Usually when Higher Life lesson cards show up, these life lesson cards have no time periods associated w them; or there’s supposed to be no timeline on them; & they all occur at the same time- From this “slice of life” reading, this is showing why so many people are feeling overwhelmed right now; since these Major Arcana cards, always speak about higher truths, & bring up issues RE: where we all are in life vs. where we feel we need to be OR, where we want to be… a LOT to be thinking about all at once…

• My question was asking for clarity for all humans (the collective) & what we were to expect in the months ahead, re: the pandemic, our lives re: work, our concerns re: survival, our world, & to show us anything we may need to know… (for our near future).   So, let’s get into the reading: ———————————————————————————————— THE READING 7/4 - 7/7/2020: Picture #1:

• So, I always show an overall card for the reading, & this one wanted to come out for the reading (at the top, the 1 picture of the Tarot card with the stones), & that showed up as “The Sun” card, which is for the time of Summer leading up to & esp. in the time of Leo (July 23- Aug. 22 ).

• So, first of all, imho, many truths that have been hidden which started back w 2 Higher Life Lesson cards showing up in this reading: the original sign for “The Moon” energy, & also Re: The “High Priestess” card below (both ruled by the sign of Pisces, which is Feb. last yr.), but shown in the cards ahead, these secrets will be coming out into the light, definitely much, much more (it feels) by end of August..

These truths feel like info. that was hidden by our Govt. & other countries, & also info about health concerns. (The actual “RX sign” per se, also has shown up  as a specific symbol in the “2 of cups” card & on “The Chariot” card as well- that I’ll explain as we go in chronological order, in more detail..) ——————— Picture #2 (general overall pic) & Picture #3 (showing specifics):

• The first 2 cards are the “5 of cups”=The ‘Present Energy’ surrounding the people now; & then the “2 of wands” reps the ‘Present Environment’ position. • The 5 of cups is dismay, sadness, working through grief at what’s been lost, in the middle of a change (the “#5”) that has cost us dearly (the 3 cups that can be seen that are spilt in the foreground..), but there are 2 more cups, of the full 5 of cups, that are okay (that are behind the cloaked person on the card.) = It means if we just turn around, some things can still be salvaged. We just need to be in the mindset to see what may be coming, as a new perspective.

• The 2 of wands is the present environment & what’s your focus (& that correlates again w a period of 2=around 2 months ahead- around mid/end August til the beg. of Sept.); saying we all will be searching/weighing the best course to take, w regards to work, or any creative ideas we are wanting to manifest, even dreams..  We are thinking of the best way to start those projects, or it’s a new chance to let people know what other talents you may have - but we’re all putting ourselves out there.. & that includes putting our truths &/or our opinions of how we feel about the changes we are wanting &/or speaking out about, (protesting) as a united people.. • I always find it interesting he’s actually holding a globe in his hand as he looks out.. as we all are thinking of the global impact of what’s happening w our world now…

• The next card has the Higher Life lesson card of “Judgement” (#20) coming across our path..  (placement) • As earlier mentioned, these Life Lesson cards have no time periods associated w them, but in this instance, again it wants us to know it’s happening now, thus numerology-wise, the same period of 2.  As a species, all of humanity, esp. people that have not behaved honestly, will be under a judgement of sorts from above. (G-d; Higher Spirit; etc); - People that were “sleeping” to the problems happening amongst us (factions within our society, (ie) racism, hate, greediness, dishonesty within separate govts., etc.) will be awoken to these issues, (ie.) Here, Archangel Gabriel is blowing his horn to make this happen; He also blows his horn to aid those in need of help, & to others who need a ‘wake-up call’..) & how this will all be played out is starting now, & continuing to culminate, esp. at the 2 month pt. from now.. (til Sept.).. ——————- Picture #4:

• I clarified the “Judgement” card, (for more details) & another Higher Life lesson, the “Justice” card showed up! (#11, factoring down to a period of.. you ask?..2!) • This card, came out, to tell us, these “judgements” will specifically play out in the courts, deal w ‘good vs evil’ scenarios, & finally the beginning of a spiritual  “Karmic Justice” of sorts.. laws to try & get the dishonesty of Trump (on paper, or proof of his illegal activities) out there further; more specific Laws may even be passed about Covid - in order to try & not have people continue to contribute to the rising number of deaths. (By just running around, without masks, & not social distancing etc.) • Very sorry to say, but specific laws as a Nation, may need to be passed to keep people in line more, but it feels like this will be debated in the courts further. After the 2 month pt., I feel we’ll have to re-stay inside because people that didn’t believe the facts about this virus, will now be forced to see its’ effects..   only necessary jobs out there will be the ones allowed to work.. ——————— Refer back to Picture #2:  (Overall picture, for these next 4 cards, the “3 of Pents”, “The High Priestess”, & “The Fool”, & “The Death” card):

• The next card is the card at the top of the Celtic Cross, the “3 of Pents” card. This position reps the Goals position. • The “3 of Pents” is the best case scenario after everything that is going on right now= it is a card that usually reps working with others, sometimes in groups, and a feeling of coming together. Also, nuts & bolts speaking, it can represent a job or employment of some sort. Workwise, this is hopeful; but I feel it has a deeper meaning of us all as a human race, to work together to overcome this health situation right now. (Covid).

• The next card is the card at the bottom of the Celtic Cross, “The High Priestess” (#2). This position represents Difficulties in the Past.   • This card reps the astrological sign of Pisces, so from back in Feb. what we were being told, or not told: I mentioned this a little bit earlier, but in detail, she represents things that are not yet revealed, or things that may have been hidden from us. Because of where this card landed position-wise, it feels like it’s saying this is all the info. We still don’t know the full story on, re: how our President has handled Covid, & other world issues involving politics. I feel these issues will be coming more and more into the light, esp. in these Summer months. (from now through August, & into Sept.)..

• The next card has the Higher Life Lesson of “The Fool” (#0). This position (to the left)  is the Last of the Present. • This card reps the astrological sign of Aquarius (Jan. 19-Feb. 18th); this “Fool” card correlates to a person or situation taking a leap of faith into the void of the unknown. This is the timeline of when everything started re: our health situation, and all of the independent searching for the truth re: the pandemic, & all of the human issues this brought up between all of us as a people, & striving for equality for all mankind. The reason I say this, is because Aquarius is ruled by the planets Uranus & Saturn, & this placement of the planets right now, is supposed to have us looking at what Aquarius himself represents: he’s a human rights advocate: & demands freedom, liberty & equality. But Aquarius also is ruled by the planet Saturn which is in direct opposition to Uranus. Saturn is the planet of orthodoxy & tradition. (ie) He’s cold, selfish, conservative & fearful of change.   So.. because of the alignment of these planets right now, the upheaval & turmoil forecast by their radically worldview has arrived, just as expected.

• The next card has the Higher Life Lesson of the “Death” card. (# 13). This position  (to the right) represents the first of the future. Meant to bring radical change, Death represents a major transformation of sorts! This can represent renewal, but this transformation is supposed to purge the personality and the physical body at this time. The renewal is supposed to be so devastating that the new form (of us as humans) will bear no resemblance to the old form. This was supposed to occur so that it perpetuated growth & stimulated creation. “Old attitudes & and behavioral patterns must be destroyed, & purging them may be painful and uncomfortable.” —————————— Picture #5:

• I clarified the “Death” card & another Higher Life Lesson, the “Lovers” card (#6) showed up! • This card paired with the Death card, is asking us to bring change to how we treat each other here on Earth. Archangel Raphael is showing up, looking over Adam & Eve, in the Garden of Eden (where it’s referencing where Life first began), vs. where we are at now.  In the best outlook of this pairing of 2 cards, we can see this as a major transformation will be occurring between all peoples- a new way of looking at each other- a new understanding & openness; in the more serious look at this paring, it’s saying there still will be further loss incurred re: our loved ones, (a loss of life) due to the transformations happening re: the pandemic.  

NOTE: Again, normally I wouldn’t project a time line w a Higher Life Lesson card, but in this instance of the majority of Higher Life Lesson cards, it feels like this will be from now til a period of 4-6 weeks from now. (taking us to a little later than the middle of August). —————————- These next placements are the future lineup cards, going vertically upwards. Here, I laid the initial card, with the clarified cards in the same pictures:

Picture #6:

• The next card has the “2 of Cups” in the position of the Future Environment. Going in chronological order timeline -wise, this feels like it takes us from now, to a period of 2  from middle of August (beg. of Sept).  The “2 of Cups” card represents all significant pairings or partnerships of people. This refers to close friends, family, partners in business, or creative ventures, etc.  As a Higher Life Lesson, this card shows up to either show us of a close union coming in, or it asks us to make a choice between 2 types of people, that represent 2 archetypes in your mind: positive loving partners, or negative, destructive partners. I feel this is referring to how we will be treating each other as a people. (& asking which way will be acceptable in the future..) •Also, interesting to see, the 2 of cups has the “RX” (health sign for Doctors; health issues symbol, etc.) in between the 2 people in the card- so it’s all about health between all peoples we are having to deal with, & that this pandemic is here for a while longer… 


• I clarified the “2 of Cups” card, & another Higher Life Lesson card, “The Empress” (#3) came out! • I thought this was interesting! It literally was saying, we need (as a people) to take care of, or love the Earth more! (since “The Empress” reps literally Mother Earth. We will be asking the question of how are we going to be doing this in a more substantial way in the near future.. • She also symbolizes us as inspired and enlightened adults, & whose emotions are rich w love & aliveness.  She also is describing a period of time creatively, that there’s a high level  (your own deep resource) of inspiration within, at work, or for a certain project. • The astrological sign that is correlated to “The Empress” card also is Libra, so I feel we’re going in chronological order here. This will be around the timeline of Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 23rd). ———————- Picture #7:

• The next card was the Higher Life Lesson card of “Strength”(#8) card in the position of Influences from the Outside. • Here, I feel the “Strength” card is asking us to have the strength to get through this next period of things that may be affecting us and how it will affect our outlook coming in (in the near future).  Also, we’ll be asked to use direct force to overcome any weaknesses, & can signify a fight between 2 aspects of yourself: the weaker & lower self, and the stronger, higher one.  “It’s time to let go of this lower instinct & you must overpower your own negativity.” • Because this has to do with the “Influences from the Outside”, I feel we will have to be very careful to watch our attitudes towards others at this time; Also this can be speaking about all of us seeing these aspects, as it applies to our Gov’t right now, & asking which side (the negative or positive side) will win.

• I clarified the “Strength” card, & got these 3 cards, which will be a quick combination /summation of what they mean: (kind of like looking at a string of movie cells together, that tell a story…) : • First, the Knight of Cups clarified “Strength”, & clarified again, & the card “The Devil” (#15) showed up. This feels like there will be an attempt at an offer that will be made to or by the person or thing representing “The Devil”,  here.   • “The Devil” is another Higher Life lesson card which represents a toxic individual or a toxic situation or behavior that’s needing to be pointed out, revealed finally, &/or then overcome.   (ie) possibly any lies that were told re: Gov’t or the pandemic, will be majorly exposed more, & decided upon. • I clarified again, and the “6 of Cups” card showed up; this usually reps something from the past- this feels like this toxic behavior, health scenario etc. was looked at in the past, but will be re-looked at in fuller detail, &possibly with some kicking and screaming, exposed. • Also, because there’s 2 cups signs in this line-up, I feel it will be during a time of a Water sign, & from the 6 cups, it could possibly be 6 wks later, (from the beg. of Libra) which takes us to ~Nov. 4th… or around Scorpio (Oct. 24th - Nov. 21st). —————————— Picture #8:

• The next card was “The Moon:” card, clarified, then the “Queen of Swords”,  clarified again, to the “Temperance” card.  This position reps the Hopes & Fears. • So, “The Moon” is the fear that we will not find out any enlightening information, as we were the last time from a year ago, since this card reps the astrological sign of Pisces. (Feb. 19-March 20th).   • BUT, the “Queen of Swords” represents cutting through any BS, and making sure that only the truth is told in this situation & the people involved that are responsible for it. She also can rep lawyers &/or judges, or courts. Another sign that these huge changes in our society will all be taken very seriously. • ”The Temperance” card clarified with “Queen of Swords”.  Next, the Higher Life Lesson card of “Temperance” means “allowing the passage of time to be a healer & a balancer.”; This card reps equal shares of a liquid substance going back & forth until moderation is achieved & extreme conduct eradicated. • I feel it means there will be a major balance finally re: all issues we as a human race have been fighting for lately; hopefully laws put in place to offset anything illegal that was done to us as a country &/or lies that were told to get away with whatever was trying to be gotten away with.   • This next thing, is just a feeling I get, but because “Temperance”  reps the astrological sign of Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21st), I feel we are continuing our timeline onwards. —————————— Picture #9:

• The next & last cards in the reading, representing the Outcome is: (again, as if looking at a story playing out here): ”The Chariot” is the last outcome card. This is a Higher Life Lesson card too, representing “there is nothing you can do to hurry the outcome of a situation.” So, patience is required here. The lesson is no matter what you do, you cannot alter the course of the vehicle within which you ride. “The Chariot” reps being taken as fast as you can toward your destination, but you can’t make it go any faster. Though it tells you ‘everything is taken care of’, you must not be fooled into inactivity. “Use the time well as you wait. Gaining distance from the predicament of your life, reassessing it from the vantage of a solo journey.” • Once again, the only other card in the deck (“The Chariot” here) that also has the same “RX” symbol as the “2 of Cups” did, we are at the last row of cards of the reading, and the health situation is still going to be present in our lives, so this is interesting to note.

• I clarified with many cards, & the last lineup of cards in the reading formed this story: • “Knight of Pents” clarified “The Chariot” & because pents represent Earth signs (astrologically), & the next Earth sign after Sagittarius is Capricorn, I feel this will take us to the end of the year. (time of Capricorn=Dec. 22-Jan 19th). This card also reps a standstill during this time, since the “Knight of Pents” is a slow or no moving Knight.

• Next, 9 cups (9) means not sitting on our past laurels, but trying to head towards our wish fulfillment or what’s best for all (all people); this then will lead towards another Higher Life Lesson “The Hermit” (#9) card, standing for A Huge Spiritual Life lesson (usually these are asked for, by our soul); this is how our soul evolves.; Anyway, this is clarified by another (9), the “9 of Pents”, which usually stands for breaking out and being independent, on our own, working on being self-sufficient, & wiser.

• NOTE:  At this point, because of the paused Knight, & then 3 Nine cards in a row: (9), (#9- Hermit) (9), I definitely feel there will still be the temporary halting or ending to our goals moving forward; we will be at a pause still…

• Clarified this again, & got the Higher Life Lesson card of “The Tower”, where life seems like at this point that there still will be disruptive changes occurring, as if the rug is still being pulled out from underneath us- still more unexpected changes coming… not just in America, but on a world level.

• I clarified again, & the “Queen of Wands” was the last card. This energetic Queen, to me gives us hope that we will still be putting ourselves out there, since she’s known as a fiery, and passionate Queen, who works hard, & doesn’t give up easily. So this is hopeful. ——————

• Lastly, when there isn’t an ending timeline to a story, I always look to the overall energy of the reading on the bottom of the deck, and continue to look at the story there, to get more info: Picture #10:

• So, as a quick lineup, this overall energy started with the Higher Life Lesson of “The   Magician” (#1) who is known to be the “Manifestor” of the Universe.  He continues to explore all ways that he can do that in order to eventually succeed.

• This leads to the “4 of Pents” - a card that shows us holding onto what we have, & trying to continue to build foundations.  (possibly 4 months into the year…=April)

• The “King of Wands” continues the energies of seeking out more stability in our work lives. (This may be starting up again around the time of Aries (March 21st- April 19th & correlates with the “4 of Pents” here). I know this seems far away, but it definitely will be after it shifts into 2021. This timeline may be where it continues to be more & more positive news…leading to more hope.

• The next card clarified is the “6 of Swords”. I feel we’ll get news of further help finally, and be lead to a safer environment, perhaps towards more healing. This feels like during the time of Gemini= the next time of air (May 21st- June 21st)

• Then, the “Page of Cups” , I feel we’ll hear good news, like a vaccine for the pandemic; this could perhaps take place during a time of a water sign (the next one chronologically at this point is Cancer= June 22- July 22nd).

• Then, the Higher Life Lesson “The Wheel of Fortune” (correlated to the freedom-expanding planet Jupiter), shows us that Destiny & Karma are turning in your favor. Expect some information of good luck to come your way, and for the forces of nature to finally turn in your favor. “This is not an action card, but rather, the message of this card is that to ‘just wait for it’ because your karmic reward is on its way.”  This wheel reps the 4 fixed astrological signs: Aquarius, Taurus, Scorpio & then Leo, so if we continue chronologically, perhaps this is referring to the time of Leo again. (By next Summer, we as a society may be back to a new normal type of life, still being careful, but slowly with more and more people getting the vaccine..?) I am hoping this is a distinct possibility of our future. Let’s hope it’s even sooner!!

• Because… the very last card is the “3 of Cups”, and this is a celebratory card, where friends gather together to joyously & be with one another. So this feels like we will have a lot to be celebrating by this point! ——————-

• OK, this definitely was detailed, but was more of a teaching way of looking at tarot, for anyone that wanted to read this in this way.  This was just to share the details of this profound time that’s happening in the world, and thought it was important enough to “get down to the nitty gritty” with anyone that was interested.

•• Thanks for checking this out! My next blogs will be more succinct, and probably not about the Earth & what we’re facing right now… since we are still in the midst of working all of this out on the 3D plane!  :-)!!  ••

•• The rest of the Oracle cards, & Rune stone (& cool pics)  I also got referring to this same question to add onto this reading, (abt the same question) will be added into my next Blog for you all!!  So, thanks for checking back tomorrow, & also for your patience as I learn more about being on Tumblr!! :-)!!

••Plse. come to PART 2 of this initial reading- Now posted on 7/12/20! Thank you!  :-)!

[ltleflrt]

YAY!!! I'm so greedy for your writing... Coworker & Immortal AU, Please and thank you <3

I’m kinda stretching the definition of coworkers here, but in the eyes of an Immortal, human definitions are probably fleeting anyway :)

Warning for people dying.

Little fingers press against Dean’s palm, and he gives them a reassuring squeeze as he watches the heartbreak spread across the faces of the nurses as the doctor calls time of death.  The soft crying of the witnesses turns into broken sobs that make even Dean’s ancient heart squeeze painfully.  

“Will they be sad for a long time?”

Dean looks down at the spirit of the child gripping his hand.  In the last days of her life, her body was thin, and ravaged by sores.  In death, she’s beautiful, practically glowing with the the power of a young soul that hasn’t dimmed from a long lifetime of use.  “They might,” he answers honestly.  “But not forever.”

“I wish I could tell them I feel better now.”  Her large brown eyes swim with metaphysical tears as she watches her parents mourn.

He smiles at her.  What a gentle heart.  Many children make wishes when they pass from the world of the living.  Sometimes they don’t want to leave, and they wish to go back.  Some wish they could see a beloved pet again, or say goodbye to their friends.  A large number of them wish they could take their toys with them, which always delights Dean.

If he had the power to grant wishes, the ones made on behalf of their lost loved ones are the wishes he’d be most eager to fulfill.  Alas, he’s the embodiment of Death, not a Djinn.  “I wish you could too.”

She heaves a sigh that expresses a knowledge only gained by death.  “Thanks.” She gives him a watery smile.  “So what’s next?”

“You have a journey to make,” Dean says.

“Like Dora the Explorer?”

He laughs at her sudden excitement.  “Yes, just like that.”

She bounces on her toes when he introduces her to the Reaper assigned to lead her to her next destination.  Only once does she look back, waving goodbye to him and to her parents who have yet to come to terms with the sudden termination of her short life.  Then she fades away, her spirit absorbed into the larger fabric of the Universe.

“I’d feel more sorry for them if they weren’t anti-vaxxers,” Sam says from nearby.  “How many of the other kids here do you think might be dying because their daughter was patient zero at her school?”

“All of them,” Dean answers.  He spares a glance for the mourning parents, and grimaces.  Crowley’s anti-vax movement has been very effective.  

He always does his best work using misinformation rather than spreading actual plagues.  Even the Black Death became the massive killing machine that it did because he’d convinced people that cats were The Devil’s creatures.  So many cats were wiped out, they could no longer keep up with the plague carrying rats infesting human cities.  Crowley was quite proud of that one.

That many falling to him at once was overwhelming.  He and his reapers had been overworked, and he’d been pretty pissed about it.  Especially since each death had been so intensely miserable.  Dean is neutral to death because everyone succumbs to it eventually, but that doesn’t mean he condones such cruel methods.  

Which means it’s time to intervene.  “Crowley.”  He feels the other horseman’s presence fill the hospital before it condenses down into the form of a small man in a tailored suit.  

“You called?” Crowley asks in his crisp British accent.  It’s an affect; Crowley has existed since before English started stealing words from other languages, and long before the most ancient forms of verbal communication.

“You’ve made your mark here,” Dean says.  “It’s time to lift your touch from this town.”

Crowley scoffs.  “Only 9 have been infected.  I’ve barely started--”

“It’s enough,” Dean commands sharply.  “The Fates have other plans for these people, and you’ve already interfered with their work enough.”

“Fine,” Crowley drawls, clearly unhappy with the order but unwilling to go against one of the few beings that has the power to demote him from demi-god to corpse.  “I’ve got some mosquito populations to check on.” He smiles tightly. “Can’t let all the rainforest loggers get off without a touch of Malaria.”

He’s not asking for permission, but Dean tips his head in acknowledgement anyway.  It isn’t his goal to anger the spirit of Pestilence, only to maintain a balance.  “I’ll send some Reapers with you.”

That perks Crowley up, because it means that his victims won’t survive the disease.  “Splendid.  See you around, Boss.” He nods to the gaunt shadow at Dean’s elbow.  “You too, Sam.”

He disappears before either of them can respond.  

“He’s such a bag of dicks,” Sam sighs.  

“No shit,” Dean agrees.  “Good at this job though.”

Sam makes a noncommittal sound.  His eyes follow the spirits being led to their next destination by Dean’s reapers.  

A tug behind Dean’s sternum pulls his attention across the country.  His lover rarely summons him so urgently, so Dean sets aside his current plans to see what Castiel needs.  “I’m needed elsewhere,” he says out loud, sending the message to all the local Reapers.

“Dean,” Sam says softly.  “Please.  You summoned me here for a reason.”

“I did.  I’m sorry I forgot.” Dean grimaces and rubs a hand over Sam’s shoulder.  “There’s a janitor downstairs.  He’s been sneaking into patients rooms that he has no business in.”

Sam’s eyes darken with greed.  “A damaged soul?”

“Let’s just say that he’s worse for children than measles,” Dean says.  “He’s scheduled to slip and crack his head open in a few hours.  I’ve instructed my Reapers to leave him to you.”

“I appreciate it.”

Dean pats him again, and hopes the touch conveys how proud his of Sam’s current restraint.  He knows how difficult it is for him, being the only horseman who suffers when he doesn’t use his powers.  An eternity of addiction and starvation is a punishment he doesn’t deserve, and Dean would shoulder that pain for him if it were within his powers.  But he can only settle for helping Sam maintain his balance, by making sure he feeds often enough that he stays strong enough to keep his powers reined in.

The love and gratitude in his brother’s eyes tells him that Sam knows.  It’s enough for now.

They say their goodbyes and Dean spreads the great shadow of his wings.  In the scope of the universe Earth is miniscule and it takes barely half a flap to reach his destination.  He stretches them wide before folding them back into his essence, and looks around.  

The Oval Office is dark, the current president not the type to stay up late worrying about matters of state.  But there is still a figure slumped in the chair behind the huge desk.  A smile tugs at the corners of Dean’s mouth when his eyes fall on his lover.  “I thought you’d given up stealing thrones.”

Castiel huffs a soft laugh.  “I’ve been given more thrones than I stole.”

“Hmm, my mistake.” Dean walks around the desk, and when Castiel swivels the chair to face him, he straddles his thighs and anchors himself in place with arms wrapped around Castiel’s shoulders.

Their lips meet in a kiss that is mostly greeting, with a tiny lick of heat.  Even after eons, the passion driving their relationship has hardly dimmed.  But Dean can sense that Castiel needs him for more than a quick fuck over the desk.  There’s a different need emanating from his skin.

Dean tilts his head until their foreheads bump.  “What’s wrong, Cas?”

Castiel’s sigh warms the space between them.  “I’m finding it very difficult to maintain the balance.  Between the rise of despots with a hunger for nuclear weapons, and dictators draping themselves in the flag of democracy whipping up their most frenzied followers into violence, I find myself very busy for how little actual battle these humans participate in.”

“I’ve noticed.” Dean doesn’t offer platitudes or advice.  War is Castiel’s domain, not his.  And often, Castiel just needs a sympathetic ear, which Dean is qualified to provide.

“I miss the Cold War,” Castiel grumbles.

Dean laughs.  “Bullshit.  You were tearing your hair out trying to get someone to push the big button.”

Castiel’s icy glare could drop a human on the spot, dead of heart failure.  Dean just thinks it’s adorable.  “Don’t be ridiculous.  Wiping out all of humanity would render me obsolete.”

“You still wanted to see it happen though,” Dean counters with a grin.

“I’ve seen civilizations wiped out by supernovae.”

“But that was my work.” Dean wiggles in Castiel’s lap. “It’s not the same.”

Castiel huffs his annoyance and wraps his arms tightly around Dean’s hips, holding him still.  He presses his face into Dean’s chest.  “Please don’t mock me.”

Dean sobers, and runs fingers through Castiel’s hair.  Sometimes he can pull Castiel out of his existential funks with a little teasing, but this is apparently not one of those times.  “Talk to me, Cas.”

“Maybe I am just God’s Hammer.” His voice is muffled by Dean’s shirt.  “And this battle against my baser nature has only one inevitable end.”

“You wouldn’t have these doubts if that were true.” Dean refrains from pointing out that these internal ‘battles’ are part of his nature as a god of War.  It’s a lesson Castiel will eventually learn on his own.  As the youngest of the horsemen he still has a long life of learning ahead of him.    

Castiel hums and nuzzles closer.  “Tell me of your doubts.”

“I set my Reapers on a hospital full of kids with measles today,” Dean says.  “And I’m not seeing that trend stopping any time soon.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s the nature of the job.”

“Still.” Castiel lifts his head and looks up at Dean with kindness and understanding.  “I know you don’t enjoy when your touch lands on children.”

He doesn’t enjoy any aspect of his job.  Okay, maybe he enjoys feeding the souls of the truly terrible to his little brother sometimes.  But being the instrument of entropy in the universe isn’t exactly fun, even if he knows that there’s no other way it can function.

“Yeah,” he says.  “It always sucks.  But none of our jobs are exactly easy.”

“Crowley seems to enjoy himself.”

“He’s a bag of dicks.”

Castiel laughs and pushes his face against Dean’s chest.  “I wonder if this is what a mid life crisis feels like.”

He’s nowhere near the midpoint of his life, but Dean can’t--won’t--tell him that.  “Is that what’s going on?”

“Well I’m very old,” Castiel says dryly.  “I believe I’m entitled.”

“Pfft.” Dean flicks a finger against the collar of Castiel’s current favorite outfit.  “You’re just a baby in a trench coat.”

“I watched the first fish crawl from the ocean, Dean.”

“I’m literally older than dirt,” Dean counters.  “And molecules.”

Castiel’s essense brightens, and Dean knows that he’s finally broken through the shell of his bad mood.  “Dirty old man.”

“You make me young.”  Dean nudges Castiel’s chin, forcing him out of hiding.  He presses a kiss to Castiel’s forehead and then another to his lips.  “My existence started with yours.”

It’s sappy as fuck, but as much as he loves his brother, and occasionally enjoys Crowley’s antics, his heart finally found true joy when Castiel joined their ranks.  

“You are not a Hammer,” he continues.  He cups his hands around Castiel’s face so he can’t look away, and strokes his thumbs across Castiel’s cheekbones.  “You are a Weaver.  Spiders would cry in awe if they could conceive the delicate webs you create.  You weave nets to contain and stabilize the balance of the universe.”  

He kisses Castiel again, nudging until lips part under his own.  He’s rewarded with a moan, and Castiel tilts his head, leaning into Dean’s touch.  Castiel kisses like he’s trying to win a battle, but Dean calms him with his touch, keeping the passion at a simmer instead of letting it turn into an inferno.  When he finally lifts his head, Castiel blinks dazedly up at him.

“Dean,” Castiel whispers.  “I am a creature of destruction.  I don’t--”

“You are an creature of peace as well as war,” Dean whispers.  “Balance.”

Castiel closes his eyes, and settles under Dean’s touch.  “Sometimes I internalize the vision humans have of me.  Thank you for reminding me that there’s more to me than violence and death.”

“I’ll always be here for you. As leader, and lover.” Dean peppers more kisses over Castiel’s face.  “Until Time itself fades, and I reap the last vestiges of the universe.”

“Thank you.” Castiel stays pliant under Dean’s touch, and he smiles.  “And I love you too.”

Dean pecks him right on the lips again.  “Existential crisis averted?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Good,” Dean says brightly.  “Now what do you say to desecrating this desk?”

Castiel surges to his feet, carrying Dean’s weight with him and depositing it on the polished surface.  “There’s nothing holy about this desk.”

Dean is already tugging at Castiel’s clothing.  They could dismiss it with a thought, but they’ve both spent far too long with humanity, and enjoy the trappings of physicality.  “It’ll be the most holy, after I make you see god tonight.”

“We’ll see who’s crying for god’s mercy when I’m through with you,” Castiel growls.

Dean laughs and allows himself to be pushed flat.  He already knows they’re both going to win.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Two Hundred Fifty-One: Turtle ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: Healing Waters and Scorching Flames ] [ AO3 Link ]

She’ll admit...it’s a little strange coming back here now. Hinata’s first visit to the capital of the Fire Nation had been during the Day of Black Sun - the solar eclipse that had been the allies’ hope to finally bring an end to the Hundred Year War. A day when, without the sun, the firebenders were to be completely powerless. But the plan went horribly awry thanks to leaked information...and the Avatar’s group was forced to flee and leave the rest of the invasion behind.

The only successes had been the freedom of Omashu, and the final straw in the change of heart within Sasuke.

Her second (and until now, final) visit to the city had been during the passing of Madara’s Comet. While Naruto faced the Fire Lord, Sasuke went to try and finally bring reason to his older brother. Though there had been the beginnings of a duel, Sasuke’s own revelation had been enough to overcome the last shreds of Itachi’s doubt...and they’d reached a peaceful resolution. With Naruto’s defeat of Fugaku, there had been an end to the war at last.

And from there? Years and years of diplomatic reparations, finding balance, and keeping every member of Team Avatar busy enough that visits between them have been few and far between.

Hinata herself has been using the time since the end of the war attempting to undo the damage done by the Fire Nation against the Southern Water tribes. The scattered remnants had been united, and the stolen waterbenders returned to the south. Reuniting them with family hadn’t been easy...and comforting both sides had taken its toll. Both prisoners and those who remained had to face losses: captives that had died during the war, and vice versa. Many no longer had homes to return to once it was all over.

The port where the prior prisoners were released turned into a makeshift refugee camp in their own territory. Shelters were built, resources stockpiled, and displaced tribesmen kept until new paths could be made. At first unintended, it turned into a hub that eventually grew into a city. Though many tribes, once steady, returned to their various homes...some, especially those without family or homes to return to, remained and helped the new city thrive.

Only now that things have begun to settle has Hinata found any time to leave the south. Given her connections with the Avatar, and the personal growth she obtained during her months fighting, it was she without question who was looked to - and is still looked to - for guidance in the south. But...she’s earned a much-deserved break, and has agreed to meet a few of the others in the Fire Nation to just...see one another.

Kiba decides to remain to handle the mantle in her place. The one nonbender of the group, he now leads the Southern Water tribe army. There’s no one else Hinata would entrust their progress to in her absence. He’ll be missed during their get-together, but he insists she deserves the break more than he. Hinata had been unable to argue otherwise, and so, rides on a ship to the island country alone.

Passing the gates that guard the bay, Hinata can’t help but look to them somberly. Much has changed these past few years...herself among them. And given how little she’s seen of her friends since the war’s end, she can only assume their metamorphoses will be just as apparent.

As the ship docks and she makes her way topside to disembark, Hinata can’t help a pause. Rather than a small escort to take her to the palace, the second prince is here himself to greet her.

Sasuke, flanked only by two guards, looks so...different.

Having been previously weighed by his father’s expectations, his own duality, and the struggles he faced, he now looks so much...lighter. Gone is the constant furrow to his brow, or the shadows in his eyes. True, some linger under them from exhaustion, but none of them are afforded much time to rest, even now. He just seems...more relaxed. Calm.

Happier.

In fact, he affords her a genuine - albeit tired - smile as she makes her way down to the dock. “Hinata,” he greets with a small bow. “It’s good to see you. Were the seas calm for your voyage…?”

Still a bit taken aback, Hinata blinks before smiling in turn. “They were. It was a pleasant trip. But I’m glad to be back on land for the time being.”

“And here I thought a waterbender could never tire of water.”

That earns a light laugh. “Water, no...bobbing and dipping in a ship, maybe. Has anyone else arrived yet…?”

“No, not yet. And Kiba isn’t with you, right?”

“No, he’s keeping an eye on things while I’m gone. Developments in the south are still very...ongoing.”

Sasuke nods, expression tingeing a bit gravely for a moment. “I understand...I’ve heard bits and pieces about what’s been going on down there. You’re doing amazing work.”

Her head ducks, humble at the praise. “It’s what needs to be done. And I’m happy to do it. Seeing my people come back from the hardships they suffered gives me hope. We’ve always been a tough people, but this has been our g-greatest test.”

For a moment, something passes over Sasuke’s face. But before she can question it, he gestures. “Well, for now, I suppose we’ll make our way up to the palace. You haven’t seen it since the repairs, have you?”

“No...this is my first trip back since the end of the war, and Itachi’s coronation.”

Surprise pulls at his features. “...has it really been that long?”

“It has,” she replies with a weary smile. “Time sure has flown, hasn’t it?”

“...yeah. Guess being so caught up will do that to you. One moment you’re just starting a new month...the next, you turn around and three have passed. There’s hardly been a dull moment since the war ended.”

A nod. “All I can hope is that it slows a bit soon. It would be nice to enjoy the labor we’ve been giving for so long. Just for a bit.”

“It would.” With her agreement, Sasuke leads Hinata toward the palace. “I can’t wait to see everyone...Naruto’s efforts in the Earth Kingdom were the last time I saw him, trying to sort out the Fire Nation occupants.”

“Was that ever resolved…?”

“Yes...and we’re working on plans to make it even better. But we can talk about that when he’s here to chime in. I think he’s got a better handle on it than I do, honestly. I’ve been more focused on aiding Itachi here as of late.”

Light small talk fills the air during their trek to the central building, and Hinata can’t help but wonder at the sheer size of it. It and the Earth Palace always make her feel so small. Nothing has ever compared to her little southern village.

“We can wait in the gardens for a while - I’ll have some tea brought out.”

Snapped from her reverie as Sasuke speaks, Hinata reflexively smiles. “That sounds great. I haven’t seen the gardens yet.”

“It’s honestly my favorite part of the entire palace. My mother and I spent a lot of time here before she...left.”

The pause earns a glance, but Hinata doesn’t press the subject.

They pass through only a few hallways before making their way into the gardens...and Hinata can’t help but stare. It’s...beautiful! Green, lush, and filled with ponds and fountains. After a lifetime in the snow and ice, plantlife and even grass still fill her with excitement. “They’re amazing…!”

“Let me show you the best part.” Approaching a pond, Sasuke takes a knee, seeming to...look for something.

Unsure what his intent is, Hinata does the same.

“...there!” Pointing, he gestures to a patch of reeds along the other end. From them...emerge several little creatures Hinata has never seen before.

Her eyes go wide. “They’re so cute…! What are they?”

“Turtleducks.”

“Turtle…?”

“Ducks. See, they have a shell, like the great lion turtles,” Sasuke explains. “Just...a lot smaller, and a lot fluffier.”

“I love them already…” Hinata murmurs, watching as they swim their way a bit closer, quacking softly. A few turtleducklings make their way to the bank, and she gently brushes a finger over one’s head.

Beside her, watching from the corner of his eye, Sasuke can’t help a hint of a smile.

“I wish we had these back home...but I think it’s likely far too cold.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. But I guess that gives you a reason to visit, huh?”

Looking up, Hinata simply replies, “I already have a reason.”

Sasuke can’t help a blink of surprise, the bridge of his nose alighting a soft pink just as a courier steps into garden with a bow.

“Prince Sasuke, the Avatar and the earthbender will be here soon - word has been sent ahead with a...lemur of sorts.”

Moment broken, the pair glance up. “Thank you,” the Uchiha replies. “We’ll get ready to meet them.”

“Well, there goes the peace and quiet,” Hinata observes with a light laugh behind a hand.

“True...but it’ll be good to see them.”

“Mhm. But...maybe we’ll avoid showing them the turtleducks. I’m not sure the little things will appreciate the noise.”

Sasuke can’t help a humorous scoff. “...you have a point. We’ll visit them again later, when the others are busy.”

Just the two of us.

                                                            .oOo.

     Hi so this is technically yesterday's entry...I'm sorry it's late but I was gone LITERALLY all day and was pooped when I got home real late, so...this is me finally getting it done ;w; Sorry about the wait, loves~      But anyway! Back to the AtLA crossover...which I'm still not 100% satisfied with. Sasuke just makes so much more sense to fit Azula's role, but...I want him to be Zuko. And Itachi just does NOT fit her role AT ALL, so...hence me not being 100% sure what to do with the epic sibling battle. Whoops, lol - but that's not the focus! Turtleducks are by far (imo) the cutest AtLA fusion animal. Just...I love them. And now Hinata does too.      Anywho, I still need to do today's prompt - that'll be later! For now I've gotta run and get other stuff done, but thanks for reading!

[she-who-fights-and-writes]

She-who-fights-and-writes Top 5 Book Recs 2019!!

Here are my top five books/book series that I think EVERYONE should read or at least try to read in their lifetime!! No matter their standing on this list, I love every single one of these books with my whole heart!!!!!

5. Pet Sematary by Stephen King (Genre: Horror)

Back cover:

When Dr. Louis Creed takes a new job and moves his family to the idyllic rural town of Ludlow, Maine, this new beginning seems too good to be true. Despite Ludlow’s tranquility, an undercurrent of danger exists here. Those trucks on the road outside the Creed’s beautiful old home travel by just a little too quickly, for one thing…as is evidenced by the makeshift graveyard in the nearby woods where generations of children have buried their beloved pets. Then there are the warnings to Louis both real and from the depths of his nightmares that he should not venture beyond the borders of this little graveyard where another burial ground lures with seductive promises and ungodly temptations. A blood-chilling truth is hidden there—one more terrifying than death itself, and hideously more powerful. As Louis is about to discover for himself sometimes, dead is better…

I didn’t sleep for two days after finishing this book. I had to read it in the morning, never at night, and couldn’t put it down whenever I picked it up. However, this book is really a testament to Stephen King’s reputation as the dominator of the horror/suspense genre of fiction.

Beautifully descriptive and creepy, it gives a shocking new perspective of the consequences of playing God. With a very much flawed and very much human main character, along with a gripping story that raises the hairs on the back of your neck, Pet Semetary is the perfect book to read when you’re feeling a flare for the supernatural. 

4. The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer (Genre: Sci-Fi)

Back cover of Cinder:

CINDER, a gifted mechanic in New Beijing, is also a cyborg. She's reviled by her stepmother and blamed for her stepsister's sudden illness. But when her life becomes entwined with the handsome Prince Kai's, she finds herself at the centre of a violent struggle between the desires of an evil queen - and a dangerous temptation. Cinder is caught between duty and freedom, loyalty and betrayal. Now she must uncover secrets about her mysterious past in order to protect Earth's future. This is not the fairytale you remember. But it's one you won't forget.

These books broke me out of a serious book hangover (caused by the #1 series on this list) and made me realize “Wait, there are other books in this world that can be enjoyed besides this series.”

Funny and captivating, this book puts an interesting twist on classic fairytales. Instead of being the kind of twist where everything is unnecessarily gory and dark, this puts a futuristic spin on the classic stories that we all know and love.

The characters are amazing and very diverse, and although the stories are similar to the Grimm’s fairy tales, they’re a whole new ballpark plot-wise that keeps you on the edge of your seat!

3. In Order to Live by Yeonmi Park (Genre: Memoir)

Back cover:

“I am most grateful for two things: that I was born in North Korea, and that I escaped from North Korea.”

Still in her early twenties, Yeonmi Park has lived through experiences that few people of any age will ever know--and from which most would never recover. At age thirteen, together with her mother, she made a harrowing escape from brutal conditions in North Korea. Two years later, they reached South Korea and freedom. But the devestating journey in between cost Park her childhood and nearly her life. As she writes, “I convinced myself that a lot of what I had experienced never happened. I taught myself to forget the rest.”

In In Order to Live, Park sines light not just into the darkest corners of life in North Korea, describing the deprivation and deception she endured and that millions of North Korean people continue to endure to this day, but also onto her own most painful and difficult memories. She tells with bravery and dignity for the first time the story of how she and her mother were betrayed and sold into sexual slavery in China and forced to suffer terrible psychological and physical hardship.

Park confronts her past with a startling resilience. In spite of everything, she has never stopped being proud of where she is from, and never stopped striving for a better life. Today she is a human rights activist working determinedly to bring attention to the oppression taking place in her home country. Park’s testimony is rare, edifying, and terribly important, and the story she tells in In Order to Live is heartbreaking and unimaginable but never without hope.

This book changed my life. 

Riveting, beautiful, and at heartbreaking, it really made me appreciate what I have in life and made me more aware of things that are currently happening in the world as we speak.

I think that no one should be able to talk about North Korea and about how it’s not a big deal that we help the people there until they read this book.

Truly an amazing and unbelievable story.

2. The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller (Genre: Fantasy)

Back cover:

Achilles, "the best of all the Greeks," son of the cruel sea goddess Thetis and the legendary king Peleus, is strong, swift, and beautiful— irresistible to all who meet him. Patroclus is an awkward young prince, exiled from his homeland after an act of shocking violence. Brought together by chance, they forge an inseparable bond, despite risking the gods' wrath.

They are trained by the centaur Chiron in the arts of war and medicine, but when word comes that Helen of Sparta has been kidnapped, all the heroes of Greece are called upon to lay siege to Troy in her name. Seduced by the promise of a glorious destiny, Achilles joins their cause, and torn between love and fear for his friend, Patroclus follows. Little do they know that the cruel Fates will test them both as never before and demand a terrible sacrifice.

A phenomenally written and emotional re-telling of the classic Greek epic the Iliad that delves into the romantic relationship between Achilles and Patroclus.

Madeline Miller truly has an undeniable god-given talent for writing; her descriptions and storytelling makes for a book that you CANNOT put down once you’ve picked it up.

I read this book in a day and had a serious, serious book hangover afterward; I literally could NOT stop thinking about it for days. It just sticks with you, you know?

Me and my mom both wept over this book; it is truly a triumph and a masterpiece.

1. The Grishaverse by Leigh Bardugo (Genre: Fantasy)

Back cover of Shadow and Bone, first book in The Grisha Trilogy:

Soldier. Summoner. Saint. Orphaned and expendable, Alina Starkov is a soldier who knows she may not survive her first trek across the Shadow Fold―a swath of unnatural darkness crawling with monsters. But when her regiment is attacked, Alina unleashes dormant magic not even she knew she possessed.

Now Alina will enter a lavish world of royalty and intrigue as she trains with the Grisha, her country’s magical military elite―and falls under the spell of their notorious leader, the Darkling. He believes Alina can summon a force capable of destroying the Shadow Fold and reuniting their war-ravaged country, but only if she can master her untamed gift.

As the threat to the kingdom mounts and Alina unlocks the secrets of her past, she will make a dangerous discovery that could threaten all she loves and the very future of a nation.

Welcome to Ravka . . . a world of science and superstition where nothing is what it seems.

Back cover of Six of Crows, first book in the Six of Crows Duology:

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price―and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can't pull it off alone. . . .

A convict with a thirst for revenge. A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager. A runaway with a privileged past. A spy known as the Wraith. A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums. A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes.

Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz's crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction―if they don't kill each other first.

The Grishaverse is a group of series that are all set within the same universe where magic runs wild and the world-building-- from the culture of each country to the unique landscapes--is so phenomenal that you almost wish you could jump right into the book like Blue’s Clues and live there forever.

Leigh Bardugo is my favorite author of all time.

Her writing is beyond any other tier that I have every had the pleasure to read, to the point where I couldn’t read any other books for a good year after finishing the Six of Crows Duology because it set my standards so high for YA fantasy.

There are many books within the Grishaverse-- including the Grisha Trilogy, the Six of Crows Duology, the King of Scars series, and the Language of Thorns storybook--but you don’t have to have read one series to understand the other.

Personally, I like the Six of Crows Duology better than the Grisha Trilogy; it was written afterward and the writing and storytelling is far more evolved and sophisticated.

But even so, Leigh Bardugo really is an incredible storyteller, so if you can get your hands on any of these books, please do!

[novembersrain]

Her. – Roger Taylor Fanfic – (I)

Pairings: Roger Taylor x OC

Summary: We begin in the year 1975. The rock band, Queen, has just returned from their trip to Japan, and make a trip to The Big Apple, New York City. Roger Taylor meets Juilliard student Natalie Manning. I suppose you could even go as far to say that it’s love at first sight.

Warnings: Swearing.

Word Count: 1.6K

A/N: Hey everyone! I’ve had this idea in my head for Roger and Original Character for the longest time now, and I’m so excited to finally write it all down instead of keeping it all inside my head. I hope you enjoy it... And am as excited for this as I am.

...

1975 wasn’t a bad year for Natalie Manning. She was a junior at The Juilliard School, majoring in Performing Arts. She had a promising life ahead of her. It’s what she liked to tell herself, anyway.

Roger Taylor, on the other hand, he knew. He knew, that his life was going to be promising – that he was going to make something of himself. Hell, he had just gotten back from Japan, he felt untouchable.

“You made this promise to me months ago, Roger!” Yelled Brian, to his friend that sat a few feet away from him.

“I just don’t understand why in the hell you failed to mention that we would only be helping to set up that damn recording booth. I was under the impression that I would actually be playing my own instrument when I agreed to this brilliant idea of yours!” Retaliated Roger.

Brian sighed at this. The man had a point, he did keep some details of their day to himself, but what else was he supposed to do? Risk having to go and work on this himself?

“I’m quite aware of what I told you, Roger, but Freddie and John already backed out. We were all supposed to be participating, remember?’

A grumble could have been heard from Roger at this, knowing he wasn’t in much of a position to argue back. They were already in the taxi ride there, so despite how much he wanted to open the door and take a dive out of the moving car, he figured he would just simply save the dramatics for later.

Several minutes of silence passed, and Roger was infatuated as he looked out the taxi window. He had never quite seen a place as beautiful as New York before, nevertheless been around so many beautiful women simultaneously. The whole place was a much different vibe than what he was use to. Growing up in such a place that he did, with a population of only 42,000, compared to New York’s, over seven million; it was a bit of a culture shock, to say the least.

“Where the hell are we off to, anyway?” Asked Roger, nearly startling Brian at the sudden voice that interrupted his blissful thoughts.

“Some musical college. The name has slipped away from me at the moment.”

“Musical college? What are they going to do? Perform Fiddler on the Roof for us when we pull up?” Roger’s own comment had him softly laughing to himself. He hadn’t meant to come off as such an asshole, but it’s not as if anyone other than Brian would be there to hear him.

Wrong.

During that short period of time that Roger had taken it upon himself to bash the unnamed school, their taxi had stopped, and a beautiful brunette was stood at Roger’s side of the car, her hand resting comfortably against the door.

“Well, we didn’t plan to, but I’m sure we could arrange something if you feel very passionately about it.”

The voice was unfamiliar to Roger. It caused him to turn his head to the right so quickly, that he considered himself lucky he didn’t get whiplash.

“Holy shit.” He didn’t mean to say that out loud.

The brown-haired woman only smiled, taking a step to the side in order to let the two in the car out safely onto the sidewalk.

“I’m Natalie. Natalie Manning. Steve told me – one of you know Steve, right? – to come and get you guys…”

She continued on, but Roger had stopped listening almost immediately to hearing her name. He was almost positive that he had never seen someone so beautiful in his entire lifetime. Which, well, was saying a lot. And she was American.

“…Sound okay with you guys?” Her voice flooded its way back into Roger’s earshot, and he was sure he had never been more excited about something in his life. He heard Brian say something back to her, but he didn’t bother caring enough to make it out.

“Roger?”

Dammit. What could he possibly want now, thought the brunette, who had attempted to straighten out his fur coat as a response.

“I’m sorry, what?” Was what eventually made way through his lips. He felt a strange feeling of disappointment in himself at that moment, because, what if she gets annoyed that I wasn’t listening to her? Certainly, that can’t be the best first impression.

His thoughts were drawn to a halt when a sweet sounding laugh intertwined itself with the surroundings of hundreds of other people talking around them. He wondered how on Earth his heart didn’t stop beating right then and there.

“I just promised the both of you that I would make sure to get you some kind of edible food within the next few hours, I know you must be hungry. Steve is just quite the persistent man, and if I brought the two of you into his recording studio late, or with food nonetheless, well, let’s hope that we don’t have to find out what happens then.” Natalie re-explained which earned a smile from Roger.

“Oh? So does that mean I can look forward to having you accompany me all day?” Roger asked.

Brian rolled his eyes, “You didn’t even want to come today. If I had not lied to you, you wouldn’t be here right now. You are so ridiculous. You see one beautiful woman and now our whole day is going to be put to waste because all you’ll be doing is gawking at her. And another thing!...” Continued Brian, but Roger stopped listening several moments beforehand.

He was hot on Natalie’s heels as she walked away from the bickering men and into the building, noticing how she would occasionally advert her gaze in several different directions as several people stopped to greet her a good morning.

The walk to this studio wasn’t as long as he hoped it would be. He was aware that they had gotten into a packed elevator, which allowed himself to get close enough to Natalie to note that she smelled like sunflowers. He decided that sunflowers were now his favorite flower. And smell.

Upon leaving the elevator, they began their walks down the long corridors where Roger insisted on walking alongside Natalie, while Brian trailed several feet behind. Brian got ahead of him once as they walked, and Roger could swear that he had never wanted to shove someone more in his life.

There was one thing that Roger knew for certain. He could not figure out for the life of him why he was so nervous around Natalie. He had done this countless times – found a pretty girl and wooed himself into her life for a few hours – but this was different. He didn’t want to be in Natalie’s life for only a few hours. In fact, he already dreaded the time that he knew was coming when he would have to leave. It wasn’t like she was just going to school around the corner from him; she was going to school a whole ocean away from him.

This is absolute bullshit, he thought.

Roger followed Natalie around wherever he could; sparking up random conversations regarding whatever topic came to mind. He even went as far as asking her if she liked red or green apples more. Apples. He was talking about fucking apples. And now he thinks he hates himself.

Brian enjoyed taking the piss out of him. Watching Roger “Sex on legs” Taylor stutter over every other word as he tried to formulate a sentence, to try and have a decent conversation with Natalie, was something he never imagined that he would ever see in his life. He thought that it was, for lack of better words, fucking hilarious. And he made sure to tease Roger about it every chance that he got.

“Mate, why don’t you just go ask her to take you to the school cafeteria. Maybe you can get a sandwich and talk about what kind of apples she likes the best.” Said Brian, followed by a low chuckle.

“Piss right off, Brian. I’d like to see you give it a try!”

Brian laughed at this; nodding his head as a response to the challenge he was just given. “You want to see if I can do any better?”

“Yeah, hot shot! Go ahead and ask her!”

The curly haired brunette started to lift himself up from the sofa he sat on several minutes earlier, but Roger gripped his arm, to pull him back down onto the cushions.

“That wasn’t my okay to do it, you wanker! This is so like you. It is just SO Brian…” This continued for another twenty minutes. Seriously.

Imagine there’s no heaven

It’s easy if you try

No hell below us

Above us only sky

Imagine all the people

Living for today

Roger stopped with the bickering that went on at the sound of this. He lifted himself up to his feet and looked through the window that led into the recording studio, his eyes practically turning into lightbulbs at the sight that was before him.

Imagine there’s no countries

It isn’t hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion, too

…

That’s fucking John Lennon. I love John Lennon, thought Roger.

It wasn’t uncommon for people to sing John Lennon songs, not at all. This was different. She was different. Her voice… He had never heard something more beautiful in his life. She must have been testing the microphone.

He tuned out the rest of the song with his own thoughts, and this was when he decided. He was going to shoot his shot. He found himself walking into the sound booth before he even realized what he was doing.

“Natalie,” he began. “You think you could take me down to the cafeteria? Maybe we could get a sandwich and talk about your favorite kinds of apples?”

...

Chapter Two Chapter Three