#anakin: i am feeling my emotions so bad rn

[tennessoui]

~ wip wednesday ~

So as he joins the queue of ships waiting for permission to enter Coruscanti airspace, he tries to clear his mind and think of the situation in the way that his master has taught him to handle complex problems before. Start with the facts.

So these are the facts.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is in love with someone, so much so that his lungs have sprouted flowers that are restricting his ability to breathe. In two to three months, they will suffocate him completely.

Obi-Wan is in love with someone. That’s a fact. Obi-Wan has found someone he loves to the point of death and he’s told them and they have rejected him anyway. Somehow, that’s a fact. Anakin cannot even begin to understand it, and he cannot let himself linger on this fact too long or else he knows the incredulity he feels will turn to a bone-deep rage.

These are the facts. Obi-Wan is not a candidate for hanahaki surgery, and the healing attendant’s notes had not detailed why. They’d noted that it was the healer who rejected Obi-Wan as a candidate, not that Obi-Wan refused the surgery. 

If it were your best friend who choked on flowers he couldn’t give you, what would you do? Would you sit beside him and hold his hand as he underwent the surgery?

Anakin can’t remeber what he’d told Padmé in return. It feels like whichever version of him had had that conversation was a different man entirely, someone now gone and dead and buried. His life has been cleaved in two: who he was before Obi-Wan’s diagnosis and who he is now. That man had never known this despair, this desperation, this—

No. No, these are the facts. Obi-Wan would tell him to set aside his emotions and focus on the facts.

These are the facts. Obi-Wan is dying. He has been given two months to live. He has been labeled as inoperable, unfit for the surgery that would remove the flowers from his lungs. He is dying. He didn’t tell Anakin. He has been avoiding Anakin’s calls. He allowed the healers to contact fucking—Quinlan fucking Vos. Anakin isn’t supposed to know about the hanahaki at all yet. Obi-Wan hasn’t told him. Was Obi-Wan going to tell him?

Ever?

Did Obi-Wan think he was sparing him by hiding this information from him? Did he think Anakin would prioritize lounging around a villa a thousand parsecs away over being with Obi-Wan?

Would you sit beside him, would you hold his hand, would you—

Anakin tugs his hands through his hair roughly, feeling the tendrils of anger grow into fury in his stomach, creep up into his heart—into his lungs.

Think of the facts, his master had told him years and years ago. Separate your emotional reaction from the truth so that you may see it for what it is.

But there is no way to separate his emotions from these facts, not this time. How is he supposed to grasp in his hands the simple fact that Obi-Wan Kenobi is in love with another so ardently that he has made his peace with letting that love kill him, and then feel nothing? 

It is too big of an ask. His emotions refuse to be ignored, even for a moment. Obi-Wan Kenobi is dying and Anakin cannot pretend that that is not galaxy-shattering, soul-rending.

[half-truths-and-hyperbole-louk]

Louk's Bad Batch rewatch part 10 omg and 10 days until s3 👀

Lets go batchers 🤟

The Bad Batch 1x06

I love reading the aurebesh signs hehe

Omega nearly takes out a stranger and literally goes "teehee oopsie" I love her sm

Echo teaching her how to shoot 🥺

HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER 😭

Wrecker: "not exactly a natural is she" Hunter: *vague nod/shrug thing* 💀

I'd love to shoo cid out of the bar "scram" @ cid

Tech is playing arcade games !!!! 👀

"I assume you know what a tactical droid is" *3 voted yes, Omega voted no, Tech panicked*

I used to think cid telling the batch they work for her was a kinda funny scene but rewatching it now knowing what I know it just infuriates me 😡

"weak noodle arms" SHES JUST A BABY

"this old trick?" hehe like the one Han did in ESB 👀

"that's your plan? fly there, land, hope they don't spot us and walk in the door?" ~ Obi-Wan about Anakin's plan - me pretending Echo learned this from Anakin 🥺

poor Wrecker with heights, he's so brave fr I'm very proud 💕

"nighty night" 🤣

everyone is probably gonna hate me for saying this buuuuttt... I kinda wanna see more Martez sisters after this episode lol

Rafa: "grab a weapon" Omega: "I had one 😑"

y'all the banter between Hunter and Rafa 👀 the way he walks behind her with both blasters out

THE FLIP AND ROLL OMEGA DOES TO GRAB THE DROID HEAD !!!

"thanks" hehehe she's so cheeky

sibling banter

YOU'VE GOT THIS WRECKER 👑

Wrecker hits his head count: 7 👀

and he just got shot in the same place on his shoulder for the third time 🙃

"Good soldiers-" screaming sobbing exploding into another dimension

HELP HER TRACE

Omega screaming for Hunter 😭

plus Hunter's "hang on Omega!" *checking myself into therapy*

Hunter literally swinging in to save Omega like he's tarzan 👑

that "thank you" was SO sincere I'm going to go cry my eyes out forever

Trace grabbed Omega to pull her behind her 🥺

Rafa: "I still don't like you" Hunter: "I'm used to it" 🥲😂

okay but Wrecker fighting the chip, hearing Tech calling for him sounding so concerned, then Crosshair desperately saying "good soldiers follow orders" is incredibly painful to hear... but it's like he's hearing his brothers both desperately calling him to them, Crosshair's voice is like the chip trying to activate, he's frustrated and confused which is probably exactly how Wrecker feels right now, and Tech's voice is trying to bring Wrecker back away from the chip 🥲 like they're both tugging at his brain to go different directions or smth idk I'm emotional about them always

"is there an echo in here?" "Yes, I'm Echo" *salutes* he's just so silly and goofy and I know the domino squad is absolutely cackling rn 😂

Tech's little swirly flip of the datastick like Hunter does with his knife makes me think Tech can also use Hunter's knife and that is something I would love to see pls

Trace has her arm around Omega again! 🤲

Tech is so sneaky hehe

Omega: "it's all about tuning out distractions" SEE CID SHE TOOK ECHOS ADVICE AND NOW SHE'S FINE pfft "weak noodle arms" NO MA'AM

R7 💕💕💕

Omega is so excited about being in a seedy area lmaooo

Omega and Rafa waving at each other as they leave 🥺

Hunter talking about the right reasons I am feeling emotions again

hmm I wonder who this mysterious person on the holo could possibly be 🤔🤔🤔

yayyyy episide 6 done y'alls 💕 thanks for joining again ilysm

I'm going to be doing a lot more hehe because I was super busy for a few days and now my timing is off 🙃

see y'all next time for when the fit hits the shan 🤟

[akajustmerry]

What are your thoughts on Kenobi?

hiiiiiiiii ❤️ thanks for asking!

so I'm still pretty sick n feverish rn so these thoughts might be a bit scattered. I think it's important to know that I went into kenobi with relatively low expectations. after watching boba fett, the final season of tcw, etc, I don't rlly expect these series to be much more than frilly filler that dismisses it's own source material and let's just say kenobi didn't do much to shift that expectation.

It was a waste of Hayden: despite being a they/them, I am now, forever and since the age of 8, a Hayden Christensen girlie!!! But my mans was WASTED, I understand he was (allegedly) in the Vader suit the whole time but....its a waste. At bare minimum there shoulda been more ani/obi prequel flashbacks woven throughout each ep instead of that one in ep 5. Like they dragged him off the farm to cosplay darth Vader. I wanna know what Disney has on him to make him do this because lord love a duck, this was pathetic and using him so heavily in the press was akin to false advertising.

Individualism is a DISEASE: I'm currently writing a video essay about Anakin so I'm not gonna elaborate a lot on this point here except to say that having Anakin claim that HE HIMSELF killed Anakin Skywalker is an INSULT to how the prequels clearly placed the blame for Anakin's turning on the Jedi on multiple factors, many of which were systemic, to the point where even in the prequels Anakin CONSISTENTLY outloud blames the Jedi for making him this way. That, "I did" line in ep 6 was completely unearned and spat in the face of George Lucas's Anakin characterisation. And for what? all to free obi wan of a guilt he has every fucking justification to feel. Anakin was never EVER solely responsible for becoming Darth Vader. To have him say so just Disney depoliticising star wars, as they've been doing since TFA by making characters into fucking toys.

Leia, I'd kill for you: about the only thing that kept me watching after ep 3, apart from the hope of seeing Hayden, was Leia. Vivien Blair was absolutely adorable and did such a wonderful job emulating Carrie Fishers energy without just imitating. Along with her performance, I appreciated seeing characterised and fleshed out as a main character, rather than a side character in someone else's story. She was perfect and her and Ewan were so lovely on screen I was just 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 the whole time. She was the star of this silly series as far as I'm concerned.

The racism...yikes! I've talked about reva on my blog already so I'm not gonna repeat it, but putting Tala, a brown woman, in Nazi adjacent costuming for the majority of her screen time and then killing her off to save the white dude? Yikes. Also, Sung Kang being inhumanely evil and green? Literally dehumanising. Also, Kumail being untrustworthy criminal grifter? Nope. I was so shocked Oshea Jackson's char lived because the racism in this series was so bad.

The environmentals were appalling: this is a gripe I have with all Disney + content, but the fact that this show about Obi Wan made in 2022 looks more visually bland and flat than movies made in the early 00s is EMBARRASSING. Ani and Obi fought twice in this stupid show and on both occasions the environment was essentially interchangeable!!!! You could not say that about any of the duels in the prequels because they actually have visually compelling narratively relevant settings!

Natalie Holt and John Williams collabing on the score was soooooooo good. Natalie being such a gifted fresh composer combined with John Williams legendary star wars tracks made for the most outstandingly scored d+ show to date. The score made it for me, honestly

A prequel only works as an emotionally driven tragedy: the thing about making something that's sandwiched between 2 establishment events in the story is that your only option to actually making it compelling is to focus on building emotional conflict over plot. Sadly, this show made its central conflicts all plot and hardly any emotion. Every cliffhanger was things we knew the answers to already, yet the show wants you to be worried that Luke Skywalker might die?? Laughable. When Obi says, "then my friend is truly dead" that's what should have been foregrounded as the main conflict for Obi Wan. Not whether Darth will learn of the kids, or whether reva will kill him or whatever the fuck! The throughline for the show should have been obi wan believing there was still good in him, Obi Wan believing that Anakin could be turned back, but we never get a proper sense that he actually believes any of that. Moreover, the actions he takes like protecting leia, burying his saber, the nightmares, his conversations with Reva - they all speak to him already accepting Anakin as being dead and just being Darth. That "then my friend is truly dead" line is so utterly unearned and unnecessary that it's almost funny. That line should have been TRAGIC but it's not because the show never invests in the emotional conflict of it, just stupid plot conflict we know will be resolved anyway.

Padme: I really loved how much this series acknowledged Padme's loss as equal to Anakin's in terms of forces for good lost to tragedy. Truly the only and most compelling emotional arch for Obi in this silly show was him figuring out how to tell leia about who her parents were without imparting the pain of losing them. Again this is one of the few genuinely positive things I can say about the show because it was something actually character focused.

A waste of qui gon - lmao it's hilarious to me that qui gon was literally the guy who chose Anakin to be the chosen one and is essentially responsible for putting ALL THIS into motion, but the forces that be on this wasteful show are like, "let's just have him cameo for a quip at the end". Borderline insulting!!!!!!!! Like qui gon DIED fighting for Anakin to be trained as a Jedi and abandoning obi to train him alone and we don't even get to see them have a meaningful conversation about any of that? Fuck off.

Endless repetition: I literally hate that the so-called iconic moments in this show are mostly just the show imitating what's already been done. Like Darth and Obis 2nd fight is just copy paste Ahsoka and Darths fight from TCW right down to the dialogue and most of the visuals. The whole rescuing Leia from the base is just imitating ANH without saying anything interesting too and sure obi said the "hello there" but Why are people treating that as meaningful when it's just a fucking gag reference?? If I wanted to watch ANH or ROTS I woulda just done that, I wanted something new. God forbid the show purporting itself as a character piece actually....be a character piece.

Anyways, I can't say I fully regret watching it. As I said, elements were enjoyable. But there was nothing in it that really justified its existence to me. Like, this coulda been a really fun star wars novella and I probably woulda been fine with it, but promoting it on the strength of ewan and Hayden returning and mostly wasting their time on screen with shit we already know that's inconsistent at best and shallow fan service repeating what's been done at worst just left a bad taste in my mouth. Those of us who loved and grew up on the prequels deserved better. Ewan was giving really fucking sad, hot uncle vibes though so I suppose it'll always be there for a thirst watch 🤷🏻

[echos-newlegs]

I am so frustrated rn with the people that try and make it seem like Jedi loved the clones, with maybe the exception of Plo, and maybe Shaak. The Jedi cared about the WAR, NOT their MEN. Men that trusted them, had feelings, emotions. Men that, like slick, even ended up betraying the order because hey! This life is fucked and why should we be slaves??? They may be programmed and a clone of another man, but that doesn't make them less of a person! Less of a breathing creature that deserves to make their own decisions.

You can say what you want, but they were enslaved. You saw from jedi as bad as Pong Krell, to as mild as Yoda, Anakin, or even Obi-Wan that they didn't care. Ping-Pong-Dong turned them against each other, ignoring the mission on umbara just to destroy the clones.

Anakin, as @nibeul mentioned in an absolute stellar post, fucking let a whole group of men die for a fucking R2 unit. Who tf does that? I get it, he's had R2 forever, but he killed those men! And people still stand up for him.

Obi-Wan and Yoda?? Fucking JOKES. They didn't even try to spare them. They slaughtered those men with zero remorse even if they couldn't control themselves! They were in a trance, they had a fucking chip for gods sake! How are they going to fight that? I know some could, like Rex, but not all can.

Plo was the only one that actually just let it all go .down and happen, sparing his men, his bros, even if they were in "the wrong." (Because is there really a right and a wrong in this war?? both sides suck ass in their own ways.) He was said to be the best pilot ever, right below anakin even, I think. And he didn't even attempt to fly off or fight back. He didn't want to be the reason his men died, blood on his hands. Or at least that’s how I see it.

I know this is random but FUCK, Jedi puss me off. They aren't right at all, the clones deserved better tbfh. Like honestly, if it weren't for the fact slick got some of his brothers killed, I wouldn't have blamed the guy. I would have tried to leave the order and free my brothers if I was in that situation. I would have left, because you know what, with all those men you could overthrow them. Get new fucking soldiers, not men that don't even know what happiness outside of the war is.

[staarshines]

Congrats on 500! for the ships, I'd love a male one for Star Wars and Marvel (I'll send my description separately). Full offense but I ship you with Anakin bc you two are both so passionate and have such strong moral intuitions (even if Ani's are a lil messed up lol). Plus who could resist that hair, and a man who'd give up everything for you?! For Marvel- it's Steve. He'd be your shelter in a storm, your shoulder to lean on. And he'd fall for you entirely- even the things you don't love so much

As for me: I'm a stubborn ENTJ slytherin, super practical/analytical to a fault. I'm in law school rn if that tells you how much of a Type A personality I am lol. My love language=quality time+physical touch, and I'm big on family/friends. I hate being wrong, I love spending time outdoors- running, hiking, skiing, etc., but also reading and writing bad poetry that I never let anyone read lmao

i ship you with...

obi wan kenobi!!

both you and obi wan are stubborn to a fault and super practical/analytical, so missions you both go are almost always successful. if anakin’s tagging along, you both have to wrangle him whenever he gets too emotional/hyper and suprisingly, you both manage to even if it ends with a “fine. but only because you two are a power couple and i will stand by that until the day i die.”. obi gets really flustered because you both obviously have feelings for each other but tHe JeDi CoDe. one day you just get fed up and go to his quarters and straight up tell him you like him, which leads to the softest obi and the softest kiss 🥺 he’s big on quality time + physical touch as well, but being jedis, there’s rarely any of that so whatever moments you two manage to capture are cherished. i think obi would manage to get his hands on your poetry and be in complete awe of how well you can write for sure.

t’challa!!

both extroverts, ambitious, and stubborn, you two are the power couple of the world. he loves quality time and has great respect for his family, so when he meets you and finds out that you have the same values, he instantly knows you’re the one. dates are usually outside in wakanda, somewhere secluded (like picnic dates and candlelit dinners outside). you both hate being wrong but t’challa will usually be the one to give in when you two get in an argument.

nat x ani: i love him i love him i love him!!! “full offense” i laughed so hard

nat x steve: this baby 🥺

nat’s 500 (ships open until friday 11:59pm!)

[kyloring95]

The Rise of Skywalker aka Ben Solo-Skywalker aka WE TOLD YA SO

Holy crap guys. We have a TITLE and a teaser trailer I did not expect! I tried to put my thoughts into words yesterday after the live stream of the panel but all I could successfully do was fangirl aggressively. So here is my completely unasked for opinions/reactions on THAT trailer. 

We have an interesting set up here with Rey on this desert planet (Jakku, Tatooine, or maybe a new unknown planet?) she doesn’t seem worried/upset/panicked. It looks like she has done this before? Like she is preparing herself for something. 

We hear Ben’s Silencer flying in the distance and not only does she ignite the legacy saber but she turns her back on Ben then she pauses listening then takes off like she is trying to time something just right and then does the most badass of all badass flips onto Ben’s Silencer. Side note: Ben never fires on her and he is ALONE. They aren’t fighting in this sequence. Nor do I think Ben is training per se...I think they are trying to coordinate a move just right before having to apply it to a fight. (TFA concept art anyone?)

The next frame is odd to me as I can’t place it nor do I have any idea as to which planet this is? Have we seen this one before? Or is this a new world we get to visit potentially in the unknown regions.

Oh my god LOOK at the cinnaren roll kicking ass here. Boi straight up clotheslines this dude (who suspiciously looks like the guy from Rey’s vision in TFA that he impales) this poor poor stunt man... This scene does remind me now of that section of vision in the TFA novelization. FYI if Ben tells Rey “I’ll come back for you sweetheart.” I will legit pass away my soul will leave my body and I will melt in the theater.

I want to know who they are fighting in this scene. CONTEXT damn it I need it! 

Words can not describe how HAPPY I was to see Ben maskless. I came into this season of marketing fully expecting them to desperately try and make Kylo look like the big bad for IX and have his precious face covered by his mask but no they gave us MASKLESS BEN SOLO. 

These. Are. Not. Ben’s. Hands.

These are not Chewie’s hands.

I want to know who.

I want to know why.

This does look similar to one of the leaks of one of the new alien characters that’s nameless right now. I am hoping that as time goes by we will get more to work with on this front.

Finn and Poe are looking fiiiiiine. Mmmm MMM mmm. I am LOVING everyone’s new looks.

Could they be on the same desert planet as Rey and Ben when she flips onto his Silencer?

Have they stumbled upon Rey and Ben’s meeting place and are watching her do that BADASS flip? 

I need to know. I want to see an extra salty Poe talking to Rey in front of Ben all like “He tortured us Rey. You of all people should be against this!” and Rey can be all awkward and Ben can chime in “Torture? I didn’t torture her Dameron.” *dies laughing*

Lando and Chewie piloting the falcon just brought a wave of bittersweet emotions...

Are those stormtroopers using jetpacks like in the video games?!?!?!?! I am sooooooo excited to see if they are as thats the only time we have seen them! 

Poe, Finn, and 3PO on a vehicle that reminds me of the ones used at Jabba’s palace. 

Leia...oof... Carrie you are missed by so many.

This clip of her hugging Rey and Rey’s tears...my heart hurts.

The clip of Leia holding Han’s? Luke’s? medal...

Just hit me in the feels LF.

Look at Chewie.

Look at BB-8 and D-0.

Look at C3-PO.

And Poe.

And Finn.

And Rey.

They FINALLY get to go on an adventure together! 

I am so ready to see the character dynamics in this film!

Also they found the remnants of the Death Star...

Sith relics?

What is on the Death Star that they need? Hmmmm

THIS COCKROACH

THIS SLIMY OLD MAN

THIS BASTARD THAT F*CKED WITH ANAKIN’S HEAD

THIS EVIL EVIL MAN THAT KILLED PADME THEN TOLD ANAKIN HE DID IT

THIS PIECE OF WRINKLED DEFORMED GARBAGE NEEDS TO STAY AWAY FROM MY SPACE FAMILY DAMN IT

I heard his cackle and wanted to vomit. 

He literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Ben should finish what Anakin started and finally kill this walking talking piece of space Sith garbage.

Yes this is in here again because...how could I not put this here again? Look at that precious boi out to destroy people. 

Last random thoughts.

Luke’s voiceover. 

“We’ve passed down all we know. A thousand generations live in you now. But this is your fight. We’ll always be with you. No one’s ever really gone.” 

So many possible meanings... 

I am crossing my fingers and praying that he is talking to Ben or even Ben and Rey when he says this. JJ already said on the panel that the light and the dark would have to face the greatest evil (probably misquoting this rn but you know what I’m talking about) so this could be Luke giving them a talk about what they need to do. It also makes me think that multiple force ghosts? have given them knowledge of some kind that they need to use to defeat Palpatine once and for all.

ASLO Ben’s theme as the title is revealed only to sound hopeful and HOLY SMOKED THEY AREN’T EVEN TRYING TO BE SUBTLE WITH THAT MUSIC OR THAT TITLE. 

Alright everyone that’s all I have for now. Hope you enjoyed my cluster f*ck mess that is my blog post.

[tskumoyuuma]

ok I'm seeing a lot of hate for tros but lemme just go over everything I can think of rn that I either liked or loved cause I really did enjoy this movie (long post alert)

the absolute best thing about the movie for me was def the trio scenes. this has literally been all iv wanted from this trilogy was the three of them interacting n tros fucking served it all up on a silver platter. every scene w the three of them in it filled me w such joy, we really shouldv had this from at least tlj if not from the ending of tfa. the final hug scene ? them squeezing each other tight cause they didnt kno if they wer gonna see each other again, the sheer emotion of having all three of them be there n ALIVE, especially after finn had sensed rey had died. the tears, the way they just seem like they wanna pull them tighter despite it being physically impossible. I could go on about this scene for fucking days man, i was crying in the theater

another thing I liked .. was actually the whole palpatine plot thread. i was skeptical at first cause really wer bringing in palpatine ? but i think they actually made it work, especially theme wise. rey is the granddaughter of palpatine, n he says the dark side is in her blood. but rey refuses to bow to hatred, refuses to give in because blood n family does not define u. but the family u make for urself ? that's what matters.

now the last line of the movie. rey talking to the old women asking for her name. the hesitation as she looks to the distance to see luke n leia smiling at her. the confidence when she says "Skywalker". fucking killed me. fit perfectly w the found family theme that was built up. she denied her "roots" as a palpatine n chose for herself to be a Skywalker, to bare the name of her real family, the one that supported her n helped her grow to be the person she is. that shit is my fucking jam.

now I gotta talk about kylo ren. going into the movie I thought I'd be angry if they tried to redeem him. but as I watched, I found myself actually liking what they wer doing w him. yea he goes to the light side, but it didnt feel that forced. there was still hesitance. but the fact that rey healed him instead of killing him, how he heard his mother's dying breaths, that changed him. u can see that. the whole han scene was really good because it mirrored hans death scene, except when he aims the lightsaber at han, he instead throws it away, like he shouldv done back then. he knos what he has to do now because it's the only thing he can do to make up for it. he knos from this moment that he has to die so rey, so good can live. n that's what he does. his ending was perfect for his character that echoed Vader / anakin really well.

now, briefly, I do have to mention that the kiss scene ? bad. ruined the mood until the celebration scene n we got that hug. n rest of that scene outside the kiss I could even live w cause they have an understanding of each other now n they do share a bond. but making it romantic w a kiss ? a kiss that rey initiates ? felt Really out of place. if they wer gonna be anything it was gonna be familial so it would fit the whole fucking theme of the film. but nah, sure, have them kiss, whatever.

ok back to the positives jhdgju. another scene i Loved was when all those ships came out to help the resistance. n the fact that theyr not just more resistance fighters, that theyr just people who wanted to fight, made me tear up honestly. cant really explain it, but it filled me w such hope, n that's what star wars should do I think.

other little things I liked wer the defected stormtroopers since I'd been waiting to hear if there wer more people like finn n thankfully there wer, chewy crying over leia was really heartbreaking, the visuals also wer a real treat, n honestly I just really like this movie. the more I think about the more satisfied I am about it (which was the exact opposite of how i felt after tlj loll). anyway, my thoughts r that if u just cut out the kiss, just go from the hug to rey waking up to ben dying, then I wouldnt have anything major to complain about really. there r minkr things of course as there r w any movie, but I really believe tros wrapped up the sequel trilogy really well, n its prob the best ending we couldv hoped for

[stonefreeak]

Here we go, an update!

All things considered, I am looking into moving CK over to AO3 because tumblr is kind of nonsense rn and even though it didn’t immediately absolutely go under, I’m not willing to assume that it’s going to stay afloat indefinitely after this either.

enough about that tho, update!

Returning to the Temple seems almost unreal. Despite everything going on in the galaxy, the Temple has always been a point of calm, the eye of the storm. But now when Anakin walks these familiar halls again—his second home, the one not build of sand and stone in the hottest of deserts, and not the one in an upper Coruscant apartment that smells of perfume—it seems as if the very air of it has changed. The sense of peace of tranquillity that usually suffuses the place, even in the midst of war, has been shattered and the pieces lay around his feet.

Ahsoka's presence at his side is not as grounding as it should be. Her shields are up high, held so tightly around her he cannot sense her emotions at all. He can see that she shivers and she has her arms wrapped around herself. They've spoken many times since he brought her the news of... of Obi-Wan... but she has been unusually tight lipped. She won't meet his eyes, and the spark he saw in her when they sparred—one blade against two—is gone completely.

She won't speak to him. Why won't she speak to him? No matter how much he presses, she stays silent, and the more he tries the further back she retreats.

Perhaps he should have tried harder, more, used his status as her master to make her tell him—it's Ahsoka, his padawan, he loves her so much of course she must tell him—but he's been... distracted. Unable to keep his own thoughts centred and away from Obi-Wan.

He's heard no more news from Master Windu. No updates. Neither good nor bad. Master Windu promised to contact him if something happened... But it's been days. Nothing. Is Master that badly off? Is he really...?

He catches the briefest glimpse of Master Billaba down a hallway—she looks pale and drawn and for the briefest of instants his stomach clenches in dread. He knows that she's a friend of Obi-Wan's, even though she's much older, if she looks like that, has something—?

Beep beep beep

He startles at the sound of his comm signalling an incoming voice-comm. He struggles to get it off his belt, and fumbles with it, nearly dropping it several times before he finally has it steadily in his hand and ready by his mouth.

Ahsoka would normally have laughed at him. Why isn't she laughing? If she can't even laugh...

"Skywalker," he says once he's answered the comm, casting his thoughts of Ahsoka aside again for now.

"Yoda, this is. Arrived on Coruscant, you have, yes?" The old Jedi's voice should be calming in its familiarity, but in the current state of everything, it just sends a spike of anxiety through Anakin. Please no.

"Yes, we have." Please don't say something has happened. Please.

"Come to the Halls of Healing, you should, once rested you have. Awake, Master Obi-Wan is not, but feel your presence, I think he would like."

Anakin only just barely refrains from expressing his relief loudly, but as he relaxes, in the corner of his eye he can also see some tension leave Ahsoka's frame.

"Do you want to rest first, Snips, or do you want to go to the Halls immediately?" He says, turning to her.

She bites her lip and still won't meet his eyes.

"I'd like to go now, Master," she says, voice unusually subdued. Anakin frowns. He doesn't like it. He doesn't like it at all. Still, it will have to wait, Obi-Wan is more important right now. Ahsoka seems mostly fine, it's probably just the whole thing with Obi-Wan that has her out of sorts. That's probably it.

With a start, Anakin remembers that Master Yoda asked him a question. "We'll head over immediately, Master," he rushes to say, nearly blurting out the words.

"Wait for you here, I will." Amusement is clear in Master Yoda's voice, and... if he sounds calm, then... Maybe there's no reason to worry? Maybe Obi-Wan really is fine.

Anakin changes direction, heading right down a corridor instead of going straight, to move towards the Halls instead of the living quarters.

"You keeping up okay, Snips?" He keeps his voice calm and collected through sheer force of will, even though he's still worried. Still upset.

He can't help but worry... What if they arrive in the Halls and it's just Obi-Wan looking disappointed, and the Council telling him he failed the test? Even though he had to fail it. For Ahsoka.

It... it seems absolutely overkill, and he doesn't think they would do such a thing to Anakin's entire battalion, but... But what if they do?

He tries not to think of the anxiety churning of his stomach as he keeps walking, but it's hard.

What will happen if he has failed some sort of test?

~~~~

The only sound in the room when Anakin and Ahsoka enters is the gentle hum of machines, and the only light source the blueish glow of the bacta tank.

Master Kenobi seems somehow... smaller, than usual. It's hard for Ahsoka to put into words properly, but he seems diminished where he floats in the bacta, eyes closed—probably sleeping. She can't decide what she should do, or say. Part of her feels like she’s intruding, she's not as close to Master Obi-Wan as Skyguy is, so being here feels... Wrong, maybe?

Or perhaps that her guilt. The knowledge that she'd felt something, sensed that something would happened, and despite years of training, years of being told that she should trust her emotions and search her feelings... she ignored it. She assumed that it was simply a flight of fancy, something she was imagining.

And now Master Obi-Wan nearly died in an explosion.

She's afraid of what would happen if she tells Anakin about it. Would he be mad at her? Renounce her? She doesn't think so, normally she wouldn't even contemplate it, it's not who Anakin is as a person, but... But... This is different, isn't it? Master's been different ever since he got the news. She's been different.

She looks around the room, Master Yoda is sitting in a hover chair, eyes closed and his head is resting against his hands, leaning on his gimer stick. He seems so calm, so peaceful.

Is everything really okay?

"We're here, Master Yoda," Anakin says, drawing Ahsoka's attention to him for a brief moment.

"Hmmhmm, here you are. Welcome back, you are."

"Thank you, Master..." Anakin trails off, and looks at the bacta tank. Ahsoka bites her lip and doesn't say anything.

"Wonder how he is, do you?" Master Yoda still hasn't opened his eyes, and seems to be humming something under his breath in between speaking.

Ahsoka wonders what he's doing. Is this some sort of master thing that she can't hope to understand yet? Or maybe it's just a Master Yoda thing...

"Yeah... I've been worried" Anakin doesn't usually admit to anything like that, so the words take Ahsoka by surprise. She finds herself staring at him openly. He really doesn't usually talk about his feelings this openly, at least not when it comes to things like worry or fear.

"Worried, we all were. But live, he will. Despite the Sith Lord's last attempt."

The Sith Lord?

Ahsoka draws in a sharp breath, and her heart starts pounding in her chest. She can feel and hear her own pulse in her ears. The Sith Lord.

"What?" The anger in Anakin's voice is almost frightening in its sudden intensity. He seemed calm just moments before, but now... Ahsoka finds herself shying away from him, just slightly.

"Attacked, he did. Spirit to spirit. But here, we were, and repel the attack, Master Vokara Che did."

Ahsoka feels cold, like something dark just washed over her. She freezes in place, her eyes trained on her master's almost deceptively still body.

"The Sith Lord tried to kill Obi-Wan?" Anakin's voice wavers, it sounds fragile in a way she doesn't expect from him. But the situation they're in is so far from the norm that she's almost not surprised.

"Believe he orchestrated the bombing at the senate, we have reason to," Master Yoda says, his voice still calm. He still hasn't opened his eyes, Ahsoka can see from the corner of her eyes. She wonders what he's doing, is he meditating? But if he is, why here?

"So the Sith Lord is deliberately targeting Obi-Wan?"

"Believe so, we do. Hate him, they do. Why, we know not. Secret, it must stay. Deserve to know, you do, but speak of it, you must not."

Ahsoka stares at Master Obi-Wan where he floats in the bacta tank. He's not safe, not even here, in the middle of the Temple.

Even the Temple isn't safe.

She stops paying attention to the conversation going on, their voices become just background noise as she stares at the master of her master. Could this have been avoided, if she'd only said something? Would the Temple still be safe, if the bombing had been stopped?

"Is this my fault?" The words fall out of her mouth softly, without thought.

The sudden silence in the room is almost oppressive.

"Ahsoka, why would ever think something like that? This is the work of the Sith Lord! Unless you're secretly them, this is not something you did." Anakin's voice seems far away, but it's stronger again. Less frail. As if he suddenly found new strength.

"But I... I felt... I ignored the warning. The Force warned me that something was wrong, that something would happen to Master Obi-Wan... and I ignored it. I told myself I was imagining it! How is it not my fault that Master Obi-Wan was hurt? If I'd followed what I've been taught since I came to the Temple as a child I would have told someone! And then, and then—!"

"Knew something would happen, we did," Master Yoda interrupts her. His voice breaks through her panicked litany and leaves her head ringing with confusion, with the sudden silence of her thoughts.

"W-what?" Anakin's voice is dripping with disbelief. "You knew something was going to happen and you didn't stop it?" Anger. Familiar.

"Sense something, Obi-Wan and I did. Muddled, diminished, our view of the future is. Sense it well we cannot. But sense something we did. Prepare, we did. Ready, the Halls were. Brought troopers with him, Obi-Wan did. Had we not acted as such, survived, he would not have."

Ahsoka stumbles into a seat.

"Your fault, this is not, Ahsoka." Master Yoda's face is solemn, his eyes finally open, as she looks at him. "Sense the future before, have you?"

She pauses, struggles to think of a time when she's felt something like that before.

She comes up blank.

"No..."

"Late, it is, for blooming prescience, but unheard of it is not. If never felt it before, have you, recognise it, how would you?"

A heavy hand lands on her shoulder, and she looks up to find Anakin staring at her.

"I, uh, had something similar. I started having dreams... Ultimately those dreams led to a vision. I've never had anything before or since, though." Anakin seems reluctant to mention the topic at all. "They're hard to recognise when you don't know what they're like, Ahsoka. I'm not sure I would recognise it if it happened again."

"But I... I didn't trust my feelings! I should have!"

"Careful, one must be, when sensing the future. Chasing vague feelings, foolish it is. Your fault, this could never be."

"If it happens again... I will tell someone." She makes the promise to them as much as herself. The guilt she's carried since she got the news, thinking that maybe she could have changed it somehow, is hard to let go of. But there's a sort of relief in knowing that she wasn't the only one. That Master Obi-Wan didn't stand or fall depending on her choice. That would have been... too heavy.

Too heavy.

"That's good, Ahsoka. That's all anyone could ask of you. Master once said that you often don't recognise your first visions as visions, even if you have them often."

She nods, unsure. She's had some instruction about visions, everyone does, since anyone can have one—though some are more prone than others—but she still feels wrong footed with how she did not recognise it. She should have, shouldn't she?

"Speak to a mind healer, do you wish?" Master Yoda's face is kind, but she can sense some worry.

"No!" she blurts, unable to stop herself. "No. It's not that bad, I've just... felt a bit guilty. I'm fine. It's not bad enough that I'd need to talk to a mind healer!" She's fine, just fine.

"Serious, to talk to mind healer, it need not be." Master Yoda suddenly looks sad. "Shameful, to speak with a mind healer, it is not."

Of course not. She knows that. She just, doesn't need to. She's fine.

"I used to go to a mind healer," Anakin suddenly says.

What?

Ahsoka finds herself staring at him. He doesn't even like going to the regular healers, but he went to a mind healer?

"I, uh, came to the Temple in an unusual way... And I was part of the Battle of Naboo." He scratches the back of his head. "Everyone just... Wanted to make sure I was okay, give me a helping hand if I needed it." He shrugs one shoulder.

"Oh. Yes... See Master Hestish, you did, yes?" Master Yoda looks... sad. Even more so than before. And Anakin, his eyes turn to the ground, and she can feel the sadness coming off him too.

"I did, yeah. Until she died."

Oh.

"She died?" It must have been a long time ago, because Ahsoka doesn't really recognise the name.

"Yeah, I was around twelve at the time. She went on a mission and just... Never came back. I was given the option of grief counselling and finding a new healer to talk to, if I wanted to, but I decided not to."

"To help mediate a conflict, she went. Traumatised children, there were. Calm, it was supposed to be, but wrong, something went. Renewed, the hostilities did, and caught in the crossfire, Master Hestish was." Master Yoda's ears droop slightly.

"Oh... I see," Anakin says, looking far away. "They never told me what happened, really, just that she'd returned to the Force."

Ahsoka feels oddly like an outsider, as if she’s listening to a conversation she shouldn’t be hearing, as if she was eavesdropping. She curls in on herself, unsure of what she should do.

"Master Obi-Wan went for grief counselling right after Master Qui-Gon died, so we went to the mind healers together, the first few months." Anakin nods to himself. "There's... really no shame in going to talk to them, Ahsoka, and it doesn't have to be bad for you to do it. Sometimes, it helps to talk to someone who's been trained to be objective... I even developed an affinity for the sound of someone writing with a britsel pen on flimsi, because Master Hestish would always take notes like that. I find the sound comforting, really."

He laughs, rather awkwardly, but it does make Ahsoka feel better. Maybe... Maybe she should. But later.

She looks at the bacta tank again, and her chest hurts.

Even the Temple isn't safe.

~~~~

Anakin feels kinda bad. Here he is, telling her how good it can be to talk to a mind healer, even when it's not something big, even though he's been avoiding it since he was nineteen and mom died.

He should probably go, Master Hestish would probably think it would be beneficial for him, but... Mind healers take notes. They probably share those with the Council. How could he possibly talk about what's really bothering him if the person he's talking to will report it to the Council?

If it'd been Master Hestish... Well, he could probably convince her to keep it secret, but... Anyone else...

No.

It's better if he just keeps it to himself. He doesn't want to be kicked out of the Order. He doesn't want to lose his second home. While he knows that his home with Padmé would still be there, how could he possibly do his best for the Galaxy, the kind of thing that drew Padmé to him in the first place, if he's no longer with the Jedi?

Leaving Tatooine, leaving his mother, he left the culture he was raised in. Sure, it was the culture of slaves, being who don't even own their own bodies, but it was theirs. Secret and precious.

Having to leave the Jedi... The life he's had for most of his life...

He can't bear the thought of losing it.

Just like he can't bear the thought of losing Padmé.

He wants all of it; his place with the Jedi, his friendship with Obi-Wan, his marriage with Padmé... Losing any of it would be intolerable. And if that means that he can't go talk to a mind healer and instead has to keep his worries on the inside, then so be it. Better to carry some worry around with him, and struggle with his emotions on occasion, than lose everything he has and loves.

—

(Supreme Chancellor Obi-Wan Kenobi masterpost)