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where-fantasy-meets-reality · 2 years ago

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“Reflections of A Distant Past” Chapter 3

Masterlist Chapter 2

Pairing: Ben Kenobi x Fem. Reader (second person)

W/C: 7.9K

Warning: Angsty Ben and a lot of it. Other than that nothing that I can think of.

A/N: Hello everyone! I apologize for the disappearance but as I am nearing the end of my grad program and focusing on my thesis, my appearances and updates will be less frequent. I took advantage of the blip of free time that I had during spring break and wrote this. I hope you all enjoy it, I really liked the second half of the chapter and the relationship and world-building that it allowed me to explore. I haven't forgotten about this story (or any of the others) and think about them daily... so one day I will return to continue and finish them. For now, enjoy this surprise update, and as always thank you for the support.

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There was something about the golden sun’s rays of late July that were different than other times of the season.

The last days of the hot summer that came with August, along with the dread that every school child felt, weren’t exactly alive yet. However, neither was the joyful optimism that everyone felt at the beginning of June, the idea of a whole summer filled with possibilities and untapped potential for a good time and everlasting memories.

You remembered those days fondly, having been a child and then a college student that relished the free time that the summer brought them.

Now though, as a business owner, summer vacations only met more customers who came in for their beach reading.

This particular week had been busy but today was quiet; after the rush of the prior days, you weren’t complaining. Running a “one-man show” could be stressful during those times, but you still wouldn’t trade it.

Due to all the foot traffic that the store had experienced, things were looking a little rough. The carpets and floors needed a good vacuum and sweeping, and the shelves needed to be reorganized (people had a bad habit of just putting a book down anywhere) and dusted. And you needed to prepare for the inventory that would arrive in the next few days.

Grabbing the feather duster, you decided to get to work on the shelves first. Walking to the speaker that was kept on the back counter behind the register, you put it on and opened up the music app on your phone. Cranking up the music a tad bit louder than you should have, you started cleaning.

It was after the lunch rush and before the after-work rush. If you got one customer an hour during this time, especially in the summer, you’d be very lucky.

Therefore, taking some time to self-indulge in a great playlist on shuffle while you cleaned would be more than okay.

You were about halfway through “100 years” by Five for Fighting when you heard the little belle on the door jingle.

“....I’m 33 for a moment….” you were singing along to the song.

As you were still singing along you turned toward the entrances of the store. “Hi welcome…”

Ben Kenobi stood by the counter, hands tucked into the pockets of his dark jeans casually. He had on a dark green t-shirt today that contrasted so nicely from his mesmerizing blue eyes. “Hi, Emma.”

Oh… that accent stopped you in your tracks every single time. If you were going to start interacting with him more, you were going to have to do better at preparing yourself for stuff like this… even the small stuff, like his accent.

“Hey Ben….How are you?” You asked as your brushed your hair out of your face. Before he could answer you reached into your pocket and grabbed your phone lowering the music.

“That’s an interesting song….100 years right….” He jutted his chin out toward the phone, indicating to the music.

“Yeah….an oldie but a goodie….”

Ben’s smile widened with understanding.

“....I remember when it came out, I used to listen to it nonstop, literally.”

“Haha, oh yeah, how come?” Walking towards him you leaned against the counter, resting all your weight on one arm.

His eyes broke contact with yours and he bounced nervously on his feet as if your question made him feel uncomfortable.

You were starting to notice a slight pattern with him, anytime he was asked an overly personal question, he shifted the topic of conversation or he shied away from it.

Which left you with two observations. 1) he was either extremely insecure and shy or 2) Something had happened in his past and he didn’t like answering questions about himself because of it…or he couldn’t talk about it.

Judging by how this man carried himself, you were betting it was the second theory….which only deepened your burning curiosity about this intriguing individual.

“Ahhh…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “...You know how it is when you are young, you latch onto a song and just wear it out without understanding what it's really all about….I’m sure you did that as a young one.”

Nodding your head animatedly, you smiled brightly. “Oh yeah, that’s for sure. My parents would beg me to find a new song sometimes because they were tired of hearing the same one over again….that was the summer they caved and got me a walkman.”

When he smiled, a real genuine smile, you could tell because it reached his eyes and changed his whole expression. Gone was the standoff-ish shy person and the confident, warm and sincere person that Ahsoka had described him to be was in front of you.

“Anyways, that was a long time ago….I assume you are here for the book?”

He gave you a tight head nod. “Yes ma’am, I sure am….. I apologize for not answering your call, I was unavoidably detained.”

Circling behind the counter, you waved your hand where he could see it. “Not to worry Ben, most people don’t answer their phones these days. At this point, I expect to get people’s voicemails and then am stunned if they pick up.”

Grinning, he now leaned on the counter with both arms. “I will bare that in mind.”

Rising, you placed the box on the counter. “There we are….the collector’s version of A Study In Scarlet….just give me one second to update the store’s inventory, saying that you picked up the book….” glancing at him sideways, your lip perked up in a crooked smile, “...not that I would forget you stopping by, I just like to be thorough.”

“Of course….This business is important to you, and I wouldn’t want to see it disrupted by me….but I shall indulge in the fact, with your permission of course, that my stopping by is a memorable event.”

You were blushing, you could feel the heat rising in your cheeks.

“Of course it is.” You muttered, daring not to move your eyes away from the screen. “Alright, all set there….now let’s switch over here, I’ll cash you out, and then your good to go.”

“I can’t thank you enough for going the extra mile and ordering this for me….as I said to you last week, this book means a great deal to me, and there are many fond memories attached to it…I greatly appreciate it.”

Punching in the amount he owed you into the register, you shrugged your shoulders. “It is my pleasure Ben. That’s part of the services we offer…if there is ever any book out there that you want that I don’t have in stock, I am more than willing to help it get into a reader’s hands in any way I can.”

When you looked up from the register, about to tell him his total, you caught him staring at you.

“Kind, witty, helpful, and beautiful….is there no limit to the qualities you possess?”

Pursing your lips, you ignored him with a smile and gave him the total.

Reaching into his back pocket, he grabbed his wallet and pulled his credit card out.

As you swiped the card and closed out the transaction you finally gave him an answer. “Well thank you…..but you flatter me way too much….”

Handing him the receipt and his card, you noticed how his fingers diligently brushed against yours. His skin was incredibly warm again.

About to comment on it, you decided against it. You didn’t want to bombard him with too many questions and you knew that he was not big on talking about himself so you didn’t bring it up.

Ben put his receipt in his pocket and his credit card back into his wallet. He sighed as he finished. “Well, I guess this is it then….unless I just decide to come back tomorrow and order the rest of the Sherlock Holmes collection.”

You put your hands in mock surrender, “hey, I don’t tell you how to spend your money but I certainly wouldn’t be opposed to it…seeing you is always a pleasure.”

“Shit.” that last part had slipped out.

Yet, to your delight, he didn’t seem put off by it. His smile only grew brighter.

Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed his phone. Typing in a passcode, he briefly looked up. “Why don’t I get your number if that’s alright with you….that way if there are any other books I choose to order, I can be in touch with you easily.”

Not bothering to say anything, you practically grabbed his phone out of his hands and created a contact for yourself.

Ben arched an eyebrow as you were typing furiously. “Do you have an out-of-state number?”

“Nope. I am giving you both the number to the store and my personal cell…I don’t have a house phone or I’d give you that too…that way whenever book inspiration strikes, you can find me.”

“Perfect.” His voice was warm and soft.

Taking his phone back from you, he picked up the package from the counter. “Seriously Emma…Thank you again.”

Walking out from around the counter, you smiled ear-to-ear. “As I said before, it was my pleasure Ben. Just promise not to be a stranger, okay?”

A twinkle passed through his ocean-colored eyes. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Ben sat on the front steps of the old craftsman-style house, a cup of coffee in his hand. It was quiet, a sweet-smelling summer evening and the stars were sparkling in the vast, inky-colored sky.

He loved to sit on the porch at night and look at the stars. Growing up in London, stars were something he only caught glimpses of, the city fog and smog always covering the sky in thick blankets. But here….now…he took every opportunity he could to sit and enjoy their beauty. It also helped that this was the space and time he used to clear his head and center himself…a self-check-in type thing. Being alpha, a clear head was an important thing to have… fogginess or uncertainty could have unintended consequences or cause other members to be restless.

On the nights when there was no deep brooding that was he being done, he still came to this place just to enjoy the agreeable weather and the outdoors.

Sometimes he brought a book or a crossword puzzle. On rare occasions, an audiobook…although that was not his favorite option, as he felt it distorted from the beautiful sounds that outdoors had to offer.

Tonight though, he just sat in silence, pensively staring at the sky, enjoying everything the natural world had to offer.

Crickets chirped to their own melody and in the distance, the owls joined in chorus with their soft hoots.

Every so often, a firefly would pass by, glowing brightly.

The moon was still and large, a silvery glowing orb that hung menacingly in the night sky….well, for him it was menacing.

Before, like every kid in the 19th century, the moon was one of the world’s greatest mysteries and wonders…. and just looked really darn cool.

But now….for him, the moon represented something completely different.

Scoffing at the orb, he shifted and leaned against the white wooden collum that was attached to the red brick front steps.

For a pack headquarters, the house wasn’t much by any means. A lot of werewolf alphas he knew lived in large, grand houses that were big enough for their whole packs to live in if they needed to.

Yet, that wasn’t what Ben wanted, and additionally, he already lived with his entire pack. Any closer and the four of them would start snarling at each other due to dominance issues. Packs like to be close and tight-knit, but a wolf still needs their freedom to run.

This time around, when they had moved into town, he had picked the house they were to live in. He had chosen an older craftsman home that was built in 1912, one of those Sears home catalog houses that had come in a package with the precut lumber and everything needed to assemble.

At 4,000-ish square feet, a three-car garage, four bedrooms, and two floors, she was pretty much perfect in his eyes. A double wooden front door with a large, beautiful front porch, lots of big pretty windows, and made out of sturdy wood and stone, it had not taken him much to convince the others that this should be the place they settle down in this time.

All these years later, with some modern upgrades, the house was still standing soundly. Sure, it creaked now and again, and sometimes the wifi had issues, but he appreciated her quality and her charm. It also reminded him of the simpler times he was desperate for.

And, at the end of the day, the house was four walls and a roof that kept them safe, warm, and together. It wasn’t large or grand, but just right for a pack of four unsuspecting werewolves who wanted to go unnoticed in the world they lived in. And, it was a heck of a lot better than some of the other places they had lived in…by a long shot…

The location had been perfect too. They were right on the edge of town, but not so far out in the boonies where getting to the city was a hassle. The house sat on a decent size of land, enough for them to have more than enough privacy.

Ben sighed as swished the contents of his mug around. Checking his watch, he realized he had been sitting out there for a while…which would explain why his coffee had gone cold.

He gave a “hmp” as his mind went back to the original reason that brought him outside with nothing but his thoughts.

But before he could too lost in his own thoughts, from inside the house Ben could hear footsteps approaching the door, and by the gate of the person walking and their sent, he already knew who it was. He took a deep breath to center himself in preparation.

The door swung open quickly.

“Crying out loud Ben….How loudly are you going to brood out here? Any more of it and I’m going to stage a full-scale pack intervention.”

Anakin stood in the doorway, half hanging out of it, looking at his oldest friend who hadn’t even bothered to turn around and acknowledge him.

Ben chuckled softly. “I haven’t even said a word.” His voice was calm and soft, communicating to Anakin that hadn’t been rattled by his intrusion.

He heard the door click closed and Anakin’s footsteps about a half second before the man sat down next to him.

“Yeah, well that’s not what the pack bonds say…I can feel and hear half of your thoughts remember?”

Ben rolled his eyes, “Don’t remind me,” he groaned.

Anakin shifted and leaned his back against the stones that made up the side of the house. “Seriously….why all the moodiness? She’s a girl, not a banshee….”

Ben just choose to stare into his coffee cup and ignore the comment.

Nudging the other man’s foot with his, Anakin inclined his head. “Come on, you definitely need to talk to someone…let it be me… you are always there for me, let me return the favor….Plus…” he pursed his lips, “I think I’m the only person that can help….”

Ben gave a loud sigh, allowing the breath he had been holding in to escape and causing his shoulders to relax. Out of the corner of his eye could see the bright blue eyes of his second beaming at him. Finally smiled. “Oh, alright….fine….Yes….You know me pretty well at this point…and you do have a lot more relationship experience than I do….”

“And I’m a werewolf,” Anakin said pointing his index finger in the air.

Slightly nodding his head up and down, he continued not to look at Anakin. “That too.”

A silence fell over them as both men sat leaning against opposite sides of the house, one continuing to swirl the contents of his coffee cup in his hand, the other expectantly looking at the other man, waiting for him to say something and open up.

Even though it was not his intention, Ben was really starting to irk Anakin with the silent treatment.

“Well?!” He huffed with a wave of his hands.

“Well, what?!” Ben sighed defensively, his accent more British than he meant to be.

The younger man (although they physically looked the same age) pursed his lips into a straight line. “...Ben….You’ve got something on your mind…and I know it’s got to do with several things but the girl is a big part of the angst….. so just start from the beginning and skip the “I hate being a werewolf part” because I am well versed in your version of that internal battle.”

Finally turning toward him, Ben looked at him with an expression Anakin couldn’t initially place. “You never hated it or struggled with it…..being this monster?”

His voice was quite like he was ashamed to ask such a question.

“Not for a second…I choose this remember?…and I don’t consider myself a monster”

“Because of me…You choose this lifestyle because I corrupted you to it…” Ben huffed irritatedly.

Anakin bobbed his head back and forth in thought. “Debatable….arguable…but ultimately…I don’t think it was all you so don’t give yourself all the credit….I mean, you raised me, took me in when I was a 10-year-old orphan on the streets….so yeah, there was that connection…as a kid, I got to watch you run around and do all these cool things as a wolf that I couldn’t wait to do and wanted to do so badly”

“I wouldn’t call them cool” Ben whispered under his breath

“….and when the time came…the thought of getting to spend eternity as a supernatural creature with my best friend…well…no brainer…” Anakin spoke to his friend.

Ben shook his head. “I have never once felt that way, ever.” His expression glum.

Anakin opened his mouth and closed it, thinking before he said something.

“....I think the way it happened to you has everything to do with your thoughts and emotions tied to being a werewolf….and honestly…I think if I was in your situation…I might feel that way too…”

Raising his eyebrows and looking back at his cup again, Ben murmured, “...at least it’s not only me who came to that conclusion…”

“No it’s not….but what does all that have to do with Emma? If you have felt that way from the first day, why is that particular emotional battle conflicting you more so than usual….and whats her connection?”

Wide-eyed, Ben turned to Anakin, “Seriously?.... It has everything to do with her….”

His head flew back and Anakin let out a tiered groan, “Oh please, tell me the connection isn’t “I’m a werewolf, and she is a human, it’s dangerous crap…”

Ben scoffed at Anakins imaptientness.

“....Come on man!…you were human once too, you still look like one… People can be attracted to something different…..it’s not so bad…. Padme was a human when I met her….”

“Something I was expressly against,” Ben mumbled firmly as he took a sip of his coffee.

“And Im so glad I didn’t listen to you!… She ended up being my mate…..think about for a second Ben….a once-in-a-billion chance for our kind, something that some of us never find….I found my mate….and had I listened to your sour self, I would have lost that opportunity.”

“Emma is not my mate, so that argument does not apply….” His eyes stared off into the distance as if he was waiting for something to appear in the middle of the street by magic.

“How do you know?” Anakin fired back, growing more impatient.

“Because she’s not.”

Leaning forward, Anakin moved into Ben’s vision, settling in for a long lecture. “Are you so sure? You’ve told me you just say things around her that you don’t mean to say, that she relaxes you and makes you comfortable in a way that no humane ever has, before or after your change….she gives you a feeling of hope like everything is okay in the world….That your wolf responds to her positively….”

Ben just shrugged his shoulders.

“Ugghhhh!!!!....I got news for you pal, anytime that thing inside us responds to anyone positively, they’re a keeper….Our wolves are predators by nature, they don’t like people that aren’t pack and he likes her….add all that together and it sounds like a very, very strong match, or…just maybe…you found your mate…”

Ben’s shoulders sunk lower and his head dropped. “...But I had someone already who I loved….I was engaged….”

He turned his head away so Anakin couldn’t see the glossy shine that had formed on his eyes or his lip quiver. It was a foolish attempt though… through the pack bonds not only could Anakin feel Ben’s burst of emotion, but he could feel the intense sadness creeping over him.

A hand touched Ben’s shoulder. “.....Ben…. it has been over 130 years, your devotion is admirable…but….I think you are okay to love again…I don’t think there is a person on this earth or beyond it who would fault you…I bet if you could ask Shopie what she thought, she would tell you to go for it…”

Ben openly flinched at the mention of her name…He didn’t often speak it out loud… but he didn’t answer Anakin; mainly because the younger man kept going.

“....And….” Anakin stiffened his stance, braced for a verbal or physical attack…. Or possibly both depending on how Ben took the next thing he said…. “...You know you weren’t actually engaged, right?….you had only bought the ring just that day…You never actually proposed.”

He winced, expecting the wolf to take over the man and react violently…

but he had braced for an attack that never came.

Ben instead was looking up a the sky, his stance calm, his breathing even, and his eyes were the crystal blue that belonged to the man, not the golden color of the wolf. When he did speak his voice was hoarse…“But in my mind, I was already committed to her…I had been mentally for some time….I had known her since she was born, our families were always together…it was always hinted that one of my brothers or I would marry someone in their family….”

The silence hung between them, like an oppressive blanket attempting to smother them both.

Collecting his courage, Anakin broke the silence. “Did she ever marry?”

For all the time he had known Ben, he never discussed his human life at length because it always brought him great pain. It had literally taken Anakin about 100 years to get Ben to give fuller, more intricate depictions of his life before the change.

Ben shrugged his shoulders. “I do not know….I assume….I never bothered to follow up on what happened to anyone from old life because…well….because…”

He frowned. “...I hope she did, as much as that stings…she didn’t deserve to be alone because of my fate and stupidity…She was so wonderful…no one that wonderful deserves a lifetime of loneliness and servitude.”

“So why should you be punished? Why should you suffer a fate you wouldn’t wish on her?”

Ben was silent, trying to control his sadness and growing anger that was fueled by bitterness. The wolf wanted to spring out of him and fight with his second in command until he learned his palace, to never question his alpha again….

But that's not who Ben was….not the man, who strived to keep alive every day. The human Ben was open to different opinions, diplomatic and understanding, he would want the input and advice of someone as loyal as Anakin.

Stilling himself, he eventually came back to his original argument.

“….We are monsters…. Even you have to admit there is a degree of danger that comes with dating a human….Around me, she is a liability to herself and she doesn’t know it, and she could become a target for so many other things…”

“That we can protect her from,” Anakin interjected.

Ben eyed him strongly. “We’re not a big pack, we can easily be outnumbered.”

“And that’s because of you Mr. Alpha.” Anakin snapped.

Ben shot him another warning look, now a hint of gold in his eyes, and Anakin scooted back a bit and raised his hands.

“Hey, I’m just saying…we’ve been around a long time” his head gestured back and forth between the two of them… “ …even longer for you, as much as you hate being what you are now, you’ve met a lot of others who are just like us…You could have made our pack a lot bigger and more powerful, not that I’m complaining, I like it just us…”

“I am not a leader, not when it comes to being a werewolf….on a good day I am not even overly joyed at my situation and my anger towards it is something I’ve never let go of…”

Anakin reached out and put a hand on Ben’s shoulder again, attempting to change the direction of the conversation. “I think you should go for it with Emma and let go of this pain….We would have your back no matter what and we want you to be happy, as your family and as your pack..…. Plus, you know what they say, happy alpha, happy pack….”

Despite Anakin’s attempt at a joke to break the tension, Ben was still solemn.

“I’m just so afraid of what could be…what potential dangers live on the horizon….and so ashamed of what I am…I feel that she deserves better…I can never give her a normal life….I am afraid that my very association with her will bring her harm…or us harm…a human can be a problem for a wolf pack if she ends up connected to the pack bonds and something happens to her….”

“Ben, you're spiraling….first off…asking her out on one date isn’t going to change the fate of the universe. Secondly, we’ve done this all before, with Padme…This is the same scenario, she was a human, and I was a werewolf…. we made it work and we can do it again, we already know what to expect..… Just think, we didn’t even have Ahsoka when we brought Padme in, and now we have an extra wolf fo….”

Ben interjected. “Yeah, but you changed Padme within a year and then you two got married…”

“So, we can do the same to her if she wants…” Anakin exclaimed with excitement.

Yet….by the time Anakin realized that there was the potential opportunity to change Emma into a werewolf, he remembered that was the wrong thing to say at this moment…. but it had been too late.

Ben had perfected control over his inner beast a long time ago, but at Anakin’s suggestion, the yellow that shined through his eyes would make anyone think that was a lie.

“NO!” he growled, the sound coming from low and deep in his chest. “She will never be what we are...”

That wasn’t Ben talking….that was his wolf…..

Inside a werewolf, there would always be a dominance battle between the human soul of the person, and the wolf…..Kind of like two people sharing the same space but being connected as one… Even the wolves who were very old and considered themselves to have “dominated” their beast still had to deal with another presence inside of them all the time.

Sometimes a trigger, like what Anakin had said to Ben, could cause the wolf to rise to the surface in an attempt to dominate the situation.

That was never a good thing, that was when werewolves were the most unpredictable.

Very slowly, Anakin backed away slowly realizing that this time he really had ticked his superior off. A smarter person would have taken that as the cue to stop pushing the topic….but Anakain never considered himself that person. He was as dominant as his alpha…possibly even more so. His desire not to lead and stay carefree was what caused his master to assume the role that he had.

Unlike Ben, he was a realist. Anakin kept his voice and body language neutral… “Ben…if you get close to her and you two do…you know, really fall in love..she may want the change so she can be around for…well as long as you are…Padme wanted it when we decided to marry…who are we to stop her….”

“NO!” Ben snarled loudly as the cup in his hands shattered. Coffee and blood covered his hands as the pieces of the broken ceramic clanged on the brick steps as they hit the ground.

The door from the house opened and Padme came outside and handed Ben a wet towel for his hands. She knew bandages weren’t necessary. In a few minutes, the cuts would scab and by the time he went to bed, his hands would be completely healed.

She took the spot Anakin had been occupying and sat down, leaning her shoulder against the house like he had. “As much as I know you don’t want to hear it Ben, Annie is right….I wanted to be with the man I fell in love with forever…his version of forever.”

Ben rolled his eyes.

“....And I was against that….He took your life away Padme…” Ben snarled as he wiped his hands. “...I will not ruin her life that way….and turn her into some kind of vicious creature that she’ll be constantly at war with…no, never.”

Padme was an omega…always the lowest ranking member of any pack, but by no means submissive. Because of her status in the pack, she wasn’t a credible threat to Ben’s wolf and his dominance, thereof she was probably the only person who could or should be talking to him right now about this topic or with him in this state. The fact that she was married and mated to the pack's second….was something that could be ignored at the moment.

Werewolves were tricky. They were very aggressive creatures who liked tradition and hierarchy. Yet, due to the human that he was, Ben had worked hard to negotiate with his wolf and do things differently than other packs did…well, not so different that it was new… but it was enough that it took the wolf half of him some getting used to.

The human side of Ben wasn’t a possessive, aggressive, or territorial person, the opposite really. But Ben was dominant, even as a man. At first, the battle between man and beast had been a brutal one, an inner war that raged and wore Ben out and had taken him years to win.

Eventually, the two beings learned to get along and came to agreements on what each would tolerate.

That was one of the problems in Ben’s pack had that no other pack had….or at least out of the ones that he had come across.

All four pack members were dominant beings, making their wolves more of the leadership type.

Their rankings in the pack were split by hairs; making it very easy for one member of the group to overstep their boundaries…something that could be very dangerous for a werewolf.

For example, Ahsoka technically outranked Padme in dominance, but because Anakin and Padme were married and he was the pack’s second in command, Padme took her rank from her husband.

Sometimes it caused problems, as there were so many dominant people in a small social group. But for the sake of family, they all had learned to control their wolves and stick together as a unit. At the end of the day, pack was important.

“Do you still feel that way now Ben? Are you still against me being in the pack?” Padme's voice was a whisper as her warm eyes stared at the sky.

Anakin smirked, he loved how his wife was so quietly clever, he could see the trap she was laying for Ben, who was too busy brooding and cleaning his bloodied hands to notice.

“Of course not Padme…You’re Anakin’s mate and you’ve become like a sister to me…I value you and your company…I love you…” He said without skipping a beat, his attention focusing on his task had allowed him to speak from the heart.

Leaning forward, she kissed Ben on the cheek, a slightly dangerous thing to do with his wolf so close to the surface; but she trusted him. Another dumb thing for her to do.

Never trust a human whose wolf is that close to the surface.

“And I love you too…You are a brother and alpha all in one….You are my family as much as you are Anakin’s. And, because of that, I want to see you happy…Just give it a chance Ben, if it doesn't work out, we move….”

He sighed. “I don’t want to move just now, not again…Ahsoka just finished her junior year of high school and is about to go into her senior year…”

Anakin rolled his eyes, “Yeah for…what…the thousandth time?”

Padme giggled. “I think she’s gone through 15 high school graduations…Sure, she’s attended more years than that, but she only made it to actual graduation 15 times…”

“Exactly,” Anakin said as he shifted and put his hand on Padme’s shoulder. “If we move I think she will be okay…”

Ben shook his head. “No, a responsible alpha looks after his pack in all areas….she has friends this time, she’s getting good grades for the first time in two decades, and she’s taking care of herself during full moons…. She has a job at the cafe and she enjoys it… she’s fitting in socially, which historically has been hard for her to do…and she really likes it here….”

He shook his head. “No, I put my pack first….”

“And your pack wants you to be happy…Yes…there is no denying that Ahsoka would find it hard to leave, but there’s nothing saying we can’t come back in a year or two… it’s not like she couldn’t stay in touch with the friends she made…she was always good at surviving by herself…Plus….it’s not like she’ll be able to keep up with them…Eventually, we’ll have to move or they will enter into a phase of life that she can not…” Padme’s voice trailed off as she considered the eventual reality.

“But she knows this.” Anakin butted in hoping to save the conversation from becoming sad again. “She was around way before she joined our pack….She’s had connections with people that she’s had to let go of and she knows what to expect…. it's a fact that every werewolf comes to terms with.”

Ben looked at the couple. “Sometimes I forget that she survived 40 years on her own…without us…at times she just…looks so young and helpless….”

As if being summoned by magic, Ahsoka’s tiny indigo-blue Toyota Corolla pulled into the driveway.

One perk of having a mechanic in the family was that Anakin was able to fix any car that was needed or wanted. While the car may not be the newest or the prettiest and they could definitely afford better, Ahsoka had fallen in love with the color and spunk of the little car, which she ended up demanding that her older “brother” turn it into a reliable car.

Stepping out into the warm summer air, she took off the cap that had the coffee house logo on it. Her blue and white blond striped hair shimmered in the moonlight. She looked at them skeptically. “What are you all doing out here? Or are you waiting for something to fall out of the sky?... Which you don’t have to cuz, here I am.” She said with a wide grin.

Anakin smiled and gave her a small wave. “No, we’ve been sitting out here a while despite having heard your car about a mile down the road…I know the way that engine purs anywhere.”

“Ugh, weirdo.” Ahsoka teased as she walked up to the steps of the house.

Looking at the towel in Ben’s now scabbed hands, she became suspicious of why they were really sitting out there. “You okay? You were brooding pretty badly about 45 mins ago..”

Ben threw his head back frustratedly. “Not you too,” he mumbled grumpily.

Shifting her backpack and putting a hand on her hip she gave him a full wave of hr “tude” as Anakin called it. “...Hey, it’s cuz we care….You were the only alpha I agreed to join up with after decades of being a lone wolf, remember that.” Ahsoka crossed her arms. “...Lots of macho creeps had tried to get me into their packs, but I choose you three misfits.”

“That’s cuz you love us.” Padme beamed from below.

“Wholeheartedly.” Ahoksa winked at her.

Turning back to Ben again, she addressed him. “If this is about Emma, you already know how I feel. I am all for it…I really like her and I’ve gotten to know her in the almost two years she’s consistently been coming by the cafe… she is a good soul….”

“Which exactly is the problem.” Ben rasped, to everyone’s collected groans of frustration.

“Oh please Ben, if she wasn’t you wouldn’t be interested. You’ve never even considered anyone else but Sophie…yes, I know…you were “engaged” to her all those years ago, I think you are overdue for something good..…and Emma has dated her fair share of losers, she is overdue for something good as well…” Ahsoka snapped... “I don’t know…,” she threw her hands in the air, “do what you want, but I’d like to see the two of you make each other happy.”

She leaned forward and grabbed his shoulders, looking her alpha in the eye. “The girl quotes Sherlock Holmes readily and owns a bookshop….what more of a green light do you need?”

If Ben was a different type of alpha, Ahsoka’s actions could have had a very different effect and result on the situation…it could have been seen as a challenge or an act of aggression….but Ben wasn’t “that alpha” ….or that type of man.

In fact, it made everyone giggle, even him.

Stepping away from him, she rolled her eyes.

“I’m going to bed, work starts early tomorrow….don’t brood too loudly or please shield your thoughts…Oh, better yet, here's a wild idea…. JUST GO CALL HER.”

“Good night Ahsoka.” Ben drolled.

She shook her head as she maneuvered the steps in between everyone.

“Oh!” She turned around as she reached the door,, “I almost forgot…my friend Hera is having a sleepover Sat. night with some of the girls from the school, can I go?”

“Do you need to ask?” Ben turned to look at her, sporting an amused expression.

Ahsoka blushed. “Not really, no...but…I like to…it just…feels right when I dot.”

Everyone smiled softly. She may be 83 years old in actuality, but there was a part of her that would always be the 17-year-old girl she looked like…..it also meant that after all these years, the lone wolf was starting to enjoy her pack bonds.

“I have no objections,” Anakin whispered.

“Just promise to be safe and keep your phone with you.” Padme pointed her finger at her.

“I promise.” Ahsoka blurted out as her eyes darted to Ben, who as alpha really had the final say.

“Who else is going?” He questioned.

He already knew his answer, but he just wanted some details…sneaky dad-type stuff.

“These two other girls from 4th-period math last year…Sabine, and Bariss….they’re really nice actually… it’s refreshing for people from this generation…”

Ben nodded his head slowly. “Will her parents be home?”

Ahsoka’s eyebrow arched. “....Yes they will, her dad is kinda strict in fact….but I can promise you, no matter the level of harmless mischief we get up to…I am in no danger whatsoever…Trust me, this isn’t that sort of group.”

This was true…if anything, Ahsoka was a danger to all of them. But he knew her and trusted the level of control she had over her wolf…he just liked to make sure she was safe.

Softening his expression, he smiled a toothless smile, his lips pressed together.

“I’m okay with you going as well….Just remember to at least text us before you go to bed so we know everything is all well and good… the sleepover will be taking place the day after tomorrow and the moon will still be relatively full…”

Ashoka squealed before Ben could finish. She leaped forward and hugged him from behind. “Thanks dad! I promise I will.”

Darting into the house and running up the stairs, she hadn’t even fully closed the door behind her. Ben blushed at the term of endearment as he shifted on the steps.

He would never be her father, but it wouldn’t stop him from looking at her like his daughter.

Nodding towards the open door, Ben eyed Padme and Anakin. “See…perfect example, Ahsoka at a sleepover…There was a time when we couldn’t get her to even talk to the other students at lunch…let alone sleep over at their house.”

Anakin surrendered in defeat and got up to go into the house without saying anything. He had enough of trying to persuade Ben for one evening.

Padme scooted closer to her alpha. “I understand, and I agree…I am just as thrilled as you are to see it…but all that means is that everyone is finally secure. Anakin and I are always going to be okay so long as we have each other…Ahsoka is blossoming…so that now means you are the only one left to finally become settled…you have to take care of yourself every now and then…”

She leaned in and kissed the top of his head. “Just be patient with yourself and be open…give her a text and then actually give her a chance…even if you go slow and become friends first, a special friend is a nice thing to have if that's all it ends up being.”

Knowing that Padmes’s words were true in the sense that she believed them and meant them only in goodwill, he decided to put the topic away for the evening, as he knew they weren’t going to reach a unanimous consensus, at least not tonight. For the time being, they would all silently have to agree to disagree.

He smiled. “Ture…thank you, darling, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Don’t stay out here too long.” She muttered as she went inside and closed the door gently behind her.

Ben snorted a short laugh. This is the one place that would be quiet if he stayed home tonight. Ahsoka was most likely either watching tv or listening to music before she went to sleep…and Padme and Anakin were…well… he knew their nighttime routine before they went to bed.

The joys of supernatural hearing and a small house.

If he stayed outside he would be able to actually think, and he certainly had been given a lot to think about.

He debated changing forms and going for a run to clear his mind….but he knew it would only cause him to dwell further…

Maybe his pack mates had been right.

- - - - - - - - - -

Ben plopped down on his bed, staring at the snow-colored ceiling. Having given up and tired of fighting his restless energy, the nighttime jog he went for around the neighborhood in human form had been what he needed.

He had been agonizing and going back and forth over this decision with himself since everyone had retired for the evening. After coming back, he showered and retreated to the solidarity of his room.

It was 9:00 PM…he knew he needed to do this before it became any later and he appeared rude or awkward.

And waiting till tomorrow wasn’t an option.

He’d be tossing and turning throughout the night, restless as all hell if he put it off any more than he already had… and he had a long day of research ahead of him tomorrow at work.

Picking up his phone, he opened the texting app and choose the correct contact.

The blinking cursor taunted him as it was impatiently blinking, waiting for him to type what he wanted it to say.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he knew it was now it never….he had come to the conclusion that until he just did it and took the leap of faith, he wouldn’t know how it all go.

“What if?” would haunt him. That if he didn’t do it and never found out what could have been between them….then that would really add to his continuous self-loathing and guilt…and drive his curiosity absolutely crazy.

What he had told Anakin was true, he had felt engaged to Sophie long before he bought the ring… in his mind, he had been Shopie’s future husband and she had been his future wife since he started seriously courting her.

That’s how it was back then….You only made serious advances at people you intended to marry.

Even back then when the gesture of a fan or an invitation for a dance meant so much more, Ben wasn’t the type to string girls along or court just to give society something to gossip about….He had believed all the hubbub that had been drilled into him as a child, that marriage was permanent and very serious.

But that had been in the 1870s-80s…..The rules of courtship and dating changed so drastically since then, and he had paid so little attention to that scene after he changed.

Sometimes if he wondered if he could even do it, date like a modern man?

He had 130-ish years to think about something that left him hollow and broken on the inside. How different things were then compared to now…what his romance was like…

But did he really know Shopie…beyond the ideals of a Victorian courtship that is? Did he know her the way couples knew each other today when they got engaged?

No, he didn’t.

He and Sophie had never even been alone longer than 5 minutes without either of their siblings or parents present, or some other third party….he only knew about the person she presented herself to be in public….Not that he imagined the real Sophie was much different…..

As children they had spent more time together in closer contact…it was until they became older that society's rules and expectations for their friendship “changed”....but did that mean she did? The little girl he knew was kind, intelligent, and loved to laugh…the young woman had seemed to be all those things but so much more….reserved.

Being a historian had given him the opportunity and excuse to study the world in which he had grown up in through the eyes of history. From a civilization that advanced and moved on in every way…and he was further in a unique position….he had his own memories that he could compare against books, records, personal accounts….

What had seemed like a rational dating practice in 1885 now seemed obscured….people back then were flying on a wing and a prayer compared to couples today, who were allowed to be themselves….

He had spent 130 years thinking about this, more than any human could have spent.

9:05 P.M.

Now even the clock was taunting him.

Everyone was right….

He had reasoned with himself to the point of madness, this choice was never going to get any easier to make… it was simply now or never…do or do not….

he knew what he needed to….what he wanted to do.

@nanagoswife @transcending-time @sillynilly27 @thewhitedannimal @kirstenvldfan21 @the-clones-and-me @hugmekenobi @naughtyry @nicole-lightfoot @janebby

#Obi-Wan Kenobi #obi wan kenobi #obi wan #obi #obi-wan #obi wan fanfiction #Obi-wan Kenobi X Reader #obi-wan kenobi fanfic #obi-wan X reader #obi-wan kenobi x you #Ben Kenobi #obi-wan Kenobi imagine #obi wan x reader #obi-wan needs a hug

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badboyvegas · 2 years ago

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8 Shows To Get To Know Me

tagged by @saturnskyline! Thank you lets goooo :D <33

I've been in music fandom for so long BUT I used to watch a lot of shows so some of these might be oldies but goodies.

kinnporsche

sherlock

never let me go

semantic error

Avatar: the last airbender

Young Royals

Skam

Ouran High School Host Club

tagging: @ronandhermy @wujucakes @songtaegguk @tumsa @a-slut-for-vegaspete @howlingmusketeers @petraplatypuspan let me know if you want :D

#tag game

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potato-goose-tornado · 6 months ago

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Okay, were doin this shit again, bc I've decided it's fun

Time for one am rp prompt, and I have an oldie but still hilarious goodie

Obviously, it's going to be a human au (when do I *not* do human aus), and it can either be a modern au or fantasy, and it would be pretty cool in both tbh

Anyhow

Side A and B are both princes for other lands, and either one of them is a spare, or both are spares for their kingdom, so what's better to do than to marry them off to another kingdom to preserve ties without any pesky generational lines bc they're both... gay....

(If one is indeed the crown prince, than it could just be a more relaxed monarchy that decides that children are chosen and Yada Yada, details that are slightly difficult to decide right and now in the very moment)

Anyhow

So, their marriage has been decided since *birth*, and they--obviously--heavily dislike (if not hate) eachother. Obviously.

Story would probably be a few scenes of them growing up with seething resentment towards eachother, and then their wedding! It can either be played as everything (maybe not *everything*, there can be a disaster) going right, and then they have to live life as a married couple and slowly fall in love, OR!!! Something disastrous can happen. Like a Kidnapping, or... something...

Alternatively, they *don't* get married yet (probably in a modern au instead of fantasy), and they have to pull a Red White and Royal Blue bc of a disaster at a public event. (I'm thinking.... champagne tower falling...) and they--again--fall in love based off of forced proximity

'Cause it would be funny

As always, I truly think Intrulogical might be best for this one, but what do I know? It's one am, I am slightly out of my fucking mind

No Patton ships if you are interested in doing this with me, I just don't like ships with him

I have..

Rules... things... on my pinned thingie

I gotta sleep, I am going to have so many errors ro fix when I wake up

Enjoy the prompt, use it for evil and you have my blessing <33

#sanders sides rp #sanders sides #roleplay prompts #roleplay request #tss rp request #tss rp #tssrp #tss #fantasy au #prince au #that's all i got #i am tired #and a kitten is attacking me

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societyoflinmanuel · 7 months ago

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oldie but a goodie <33

#lin manuel miranda #lin manuel appreciation post

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jitterbugbear · 2 years ago

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also figured i'd say hi to all the new people who followed me in the recent week or so!! if you have anything to ask about my art or my process or whatever i'm always happy to chat<3

#i can always provide cat pics too if you so fancy #no but seriously thank you so much for appreciating my art #it means the world to me! here's to many more sketches and wips and maybe even finished pieces<33 #me #chat tag #and to my oldies but goodies: stay slaying ya silly rats

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aalgophobias · 4 years ago

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hi everyone! i wanted to do an updated post of my playlists because quite a number of them have have changed a lil since my last post almost two years ago. music is so important to me and most of the time it is the only thing that helps me unwind and clear my mind, so i hope primarily some of these playlists enable you to do the same. enjoy!

1. life's a movie babyall the songs that make me feel as if my life was a film.

2. don't mind me, just dissociatingqueue my twentieth existential crisis of the day.

3. sweet cereal killerslasher movie vibes / final girl energy.

4. rainy morning in warsawyou're enjoying a comforting cup of coffee as rain patters softly against the window.

5. tragic, move onjump around your room and remember it will forever be their loss, not yours.

6. self lovebecause fuck what anyone else thinks. you're perfect just the way you are, and don't you forget it!

7. heartbreak babyif you love someone, and it ends, where does the love go?

8. dim the lightscandles, champagne, and chocolate covered strawberries.

9. sabrina spellmana witchy playlist for a witchy soul.

10. your local coffeehousesoft mellow tunes for caffeine filled afternoons.

11. a collection of songs that make b*tches scream- i'm b*tchesfor when you're getting ready, alone or with friends. for when you want to dance around your room carelessly and completely carefree, like nobody is watching.

12. supervillain montageif i were a villain, this would be my soundtrack.

13. california dreamin'close your eyes and imagine the warm sand underneath your feet, the soothing ocean breeze, the sound of laughter and breaking waves.

14. afternoon at tiffany'sfor when you're feeling fancy on a lazy day.

15. daily serotonin boosteraka songs that fill me with joy for the perfect start to any day.

16. weekend in roma

17. weekend in paris

18. weekend in barcelona

19. my old ipodthe ultimate throwback playlist.

20. liability by lorde blasting on full volume at 3amaka songs that make me sad.

21. head over heelsfor when you’re crazy about someone infinitely, inexpressibly. for when you wake up smiling, and go to sleep smiling. for when the butterflies in your stomach are uncontrollable. for when you’re happy, loved.

22. stargazingchill mellow vibes for when you're having an existential crisis.

23. mom, i'm a princessaka disney songs i'll listen to on repeat with my future kids.

24. glenda the good witchcottagecore vibes.

25. unrequited lovewrong place, wrong time.

26. sad girl autumnpretty self explanatory, i think.

27. sad happysongs with a happy melody, but sad lyrics.

28. beauty school dropoutall my favourite tunes from musicals.

29. coming of age vibesyou're the main character.

30. not sorry for party rockingproject x vibes or white girl dancing music.

31. get in loser, we're going back in timedefinition of oldies but goodies.

32. random tunes that shaped me into the person i am todayaka all the ICONIC european hits.

33. angry songs for angry girlsit wasn't a phase mom, i'm still emo.

34. i'm having a manic episodepure mindless chaos in a playlist.

35. vossi bopscould be a workout playlist, or could be a house party playlist. whatever you're into.

36. shut up, i'm rollerskating away from my problemsliving out my disco queen fantasies.

37. pansy parkinsonin love with a fictional character type of vibe.

38. 00's rom-com supremacystill waiting for my meet-cute.

39. sadness level 100or songs that make me feel like bella swan in that one scene in new moon where she sits and stares out the window for 3 months.

40. super rich kids is 'do revenge' even the correct grammar?

41. surviving my twenties when you find yourself relating to vienna by billy joel a little too much …

42. my year of rest and relaxation inspired by the book.

43. daisy jones & the six inspired by the book.

44. people we meet on vacation inspired by the book.

45. aquarius sun honest, curious, creative; altruistic. but also, unpredictable, extreme; mysterious, with a tendency to lose their cool.

46. jax teller. a little psychotic, a little misunderstood.

47. let the end credits roll all the songs that make me feel as if my life was a film, pt.2

my spotify | my current obsessions | my discover weekly gems

#gosh this took so long #hope y’all enjoy 💘#music #playlist #spotify playlist #concept playlist #concept playlists #playlists #music playlist #spotify #spotify playlists #my playlists #mine

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tamtam-go92 · 3 years ago

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Sim ages at the start of my Uberhood

I'm using a 2 days = 1 year age mod to play this new Uberhood I'm panning (and actually already started to play when I need pause from the Somersets) and with a really difficult algorithm I have calculated each Sim's age with the default aging system and translated it into their age with the mod, all with the help of SimPE (I have quite a lot of free time currently xD). So to keep track of everyone's start age, here's my masterpost, it's simply for my own convenience. I plan to make every name a link that leads you to the chronological tag (that didn't work, there seems to be a link-limit?).

If you didn't notice: there is now a Masterpost with all families (might contain mild spoilers): click!

87: Luis Aspir 84: Carlos Contender 63: Olive Specter, Patrizio Monty 59: Dora Ottomas 58: Mortimer Goth 57: Herb Oldie 56: Consort Capp 55: Coral Oldie, Betty Goldstein, PT9 Smith, Isabella Monty 54: Denise Jacquet, Herbert Goodie, Faith Goodie, Catherine Viejo 49: Daniel Pleasant 47: Mary-Sue Pleasant 44: Jason Cleveland 43: Marissa Cleveland, Edward Contrary 42: Benjamin Baldwin, Albany Capp 41: Vivian Cho, Stephen Tinker, Morty Roth 39: Isabel Baldwin, Wanda Tinker, Opal Contrary, Marcel Jocque, Sophia Jocque, Stella Roth 36: Gilbert Jacquet, Darren Dreamer, Buzz Grunt 35: Leod McGreggor 34: Checo Ramirez 33: Florence Delarosa, Antonio Monty 32: Lisa Ramirez, Pascal Curious 31: Timothy Riley, Loki Beaker, Lola Curious, Cornwall Capp 30: Elizabeth Aspir, Issac Bell, Hannah Bell, John Burb, Jason Greenman, Goneril Capp, Peter Ottomas 29: Armand DeBateau, Jessica Peterson, Victor Aspir, Brandi Broke, Rose Greenman, Samantha Ottomas 28: Circe Beaker, Vidcund Curious, Ajay Loner, Erin Beaker, Bianca Monty 27: Sanjay Ramaswami, Priya Ramaswami 26: Ramir Patel, Jennifer Burb, Gabe O'Mackey, Alexandra O'Mackey 25: Gabriel Green, Ana Patel, Cassandra Goth, Patricia Wan, Kristen Loste, Regan Capp 24: Chastity Gere, Matthew Picaso, Andrew Martin, Nervous Subject, Oberon Summerdream 23: Geoff Rutherford, Sharon Wirth, Jessica Picaso, Dina Caliente, Nina Caliente, Don Lothario, Lazlo Curious, Chloe Curious, Titania Summerdream, Kent Capp 22: Samantha Cordial, Kimberly Cordial, Connor Weir, Malcolm Landgraab IV, Chester Gieke, Jason Larson, Jodie Larson, John Mole, Natasha Una, Trent Traveller, Trisha Traveller, Julien Cooke, Nathan Gavigan, Mary Gavigan, Cyd Roseland, Robert Kim, Cynthia Kim, Tara Kat, Cleo Shikibu 20: Gunnar Roque, Jane Stacks 19: Roxie Sharpe, Jonah Powers, Guy Wrightley, Mickey Dosser, Monica Bratford, Ashley Pitts, Brittany Upsnott 18: Mitch Indie, Max Flexor, Delilah O'Feefe, Edwin Sharpe, Marla Biggs, Phineaus Furley, Ellen Frost, Chaz Whippler, Emily Lee, Tom Freshe, Matthew Hart, DJ Verse, Sarah Love, Jessie Pilferson, Jasmine Rai, Zoe Zimmerman, Frances J. Worthington III, Aldric Davis, Almeric Davis, William Williamson, Blossom Moonbeam, Klara Vonderstein, Martin Ruben, Allegra Gorey, Joshua Ruben, Kevin Beare, Castor Nova, Tiffany Sampson, Heather Huffington, Sam Thomas, Jared Starchild, Ty Bubbler, Jimmy Phoenix, Erik Swain 17: Johnny Smith, Ophelia Nigmos, 15: Tank Grunt, Tybalt Capp 14: Mercutio Monty 13: Ripp Grunt, Juliette Capp, Romeo Monty, David Ottomas 12: Justin Cleveland, Angela Pleasant, Lilith Pleasant, Sandra Roth, Jacob Martin, Puck Summerdream 11: Rick Contrary, Violet Jocque, Dustin Broke, Dirk Dreamer, Jules O'Mackey, Hermia Capp, Miranda Capp 10: Tara DeBateau, Melody Tinker, Gavin Newson, Ginger Newson 08: Alexander Goth, Buck Grunt, Hal Capp, Beatrice Monty, Benedick Monty 07: Sofia Baldwin, Daniel Bell, Jill Smith, Bottom Summerdream, Desdemonda Capp, Sharla Ottomas 06: Sally Riley, Tessa Ramirez, Tina Traveller, Isaiah Gavigan, Gabrielle Newson, Gallagher Newson, Justin Kim, Xander Roth 03: Beau Broke 02: Markus Baldwin, Etsu Cho 01: Pauline Aspir, Garrett Newson, Georgia Newson, Daisy Greenman, Ariel Capp, Tommy Ottomas

#masterpost #the sims 2 #new uberhood #sims 2 uberhood #when you realize that the university sims are the boomers of simvalley...#sims 2 masterpost #the sims 2 masterpost #the sims 2 uberhood

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denkamis · 4 years ago

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bnha characters as cheesy valentine’s day tropes.

masterlist. | valentine’s day event masterlist.

warnings: none! some swearing, but a lot of fluff for the best boys

characters: shouto todoroki, denki kaminari, eijirou kirishima, tamaki amajiki

notes: dedicated to @nekomanagers / @meilbox ,, for being the most supportive human being in my life and undoubtedly the reason i have been posting so much of my work here on this blog. thank you for dealing with all of my shenanigans on and offline, and for picking me up when i felt like i couldn’t. <33 i love you.

shouto todoroki

flowers & chocolate as gifts

he’s one for the classics

he buys you the most gorgeous flowers, ones that are most definitely your favourites mixed in with an arrangement of others that all have particular meanings to them

he also got you expensive truffle chocolates, and also some cheaper ones that you really like to snack on

he’s so thoughtful, it makes your heart melt

literally so sincere as he gives it to you too, has a whole ass speech prepared

shouto came home after work a bit later than you had expected him to. perhaps he got caught up with some hero work, a report that needed to absolutely be filed today or a villain that just wouldn’t let up. either way, when you heard the front door to your shared apartment open, you came running over to greet him. as you turned the corner to see the front door, there stood shouto with the most breathtaking bouquet of flowers you had ever seen in your life. it was a myriad of colours and petals of all kinds standing out against the white of his suit. since when did he have time to change after work to surprise you like this? his usual aloof expression was replaced by a soft smile, one that was reserved for you and only you, “happy valentine’s day, my love.”

he strolled over to you, initiating a kiss that was slow and passionate. it made your heart melt right on the spot, your face erupting in nothing but pure warmth. “shouto, these are beautiful,” you told him as you took a moment to admire the different flowers that went into assembling the collection in his hands. “these ones mean gratitude, and this one here means love. truth is the white coloured one,” he pointed out, guiding you through the meaning of each individual one that made up your special gift.

he snuck a glance at you, your face radiant with how much you were smiling at his thoughtful present. “i also bought you a few of your favourites,” shouto gestured to the vanity you two kept by the door. you turned to see a very expensive box of truffles and a few hershey's kisses paired with more of your favourite corner store chocolates.

“it wasn’t too much, was it?” shouto asked quietly, watching as your jaw dropped at the sight of the truffles. didn’t you hear a rumour once about how those ones literally had gold integrated into their wrappers? “no no, it’s wonderful. this is.. you’re so sweet,” you giggled, tapping his chest as a signal for him to lean down so you could kiss him again. no matter how many times shouto gifted you flowers and chocolate on valentine’s day, you got the same butterflies as you did when he first gave you these heartfelt gifts back in high school.

denki kaminari

fancy dinner date at an expensive restaurant

the entire bakusquad was EGGING HIM ON for something good on valentine’s day okay

he’s been talking big game about some kind of secret plan he had in store for the both of you

he bought you an outfit that not only suited your style, but was elegant and absolutely stunning as it complimented your figure

he pulled out all the stops for you

he wanted to be classy, so he reserved a table for two at one of those rooftop restaurants so you two could dine and enjoy each other’s company

“like grown ups” as denki says

you were sat at a candlelit dinner for two near the edge of one of the most highly rated restaurants in your area. denki had really gone all out, wanting to treat you like the resilient and beautiful partner you were to him with a night that would be unforgettable.

and unforgettable it was.

you two were arguably the loudest ones at the restaurant, laughing and overall just having a good time amongst such high class individuals. denki was making faces at you across the table, making you choke back on the red wine you were having. “and then bakugou slapped that dude! it was crazy, y/n, super fucking wild,” he laughed as you nodded your head in agreement. denki sure knew how to talk, filling in conversations with anecdotes and playful conversation topics sprinkled in with compliments for you. he loved you so damn much, he felt like his electricity quirk was on all the time with you from how much you turned his brain to mush.

he couldn’t get over how gorgeous you looked tonight, with your hair done and your outfit styled to perfection. like, that was all his? and a personality to match? damn! he felt like for once, he was doing something right in his life for you. he wasn’t the dumbass everyone constantly made him out to be. he was trying to be the best for you, and if he could make you happy for the rest of his life, then nothing else mattered to him.

your waiters came back with two platters in hand, with outrageously small portion sizes that could feed maybe a small cat at best. the two of you stared at each other with blank expressions. oh no, this would not be enough to appease your appetites. each of your plates were worth twelve thousand yen, so you really couldn’t get more. on top of that, denki had prepaid everything for tonight anyways. what was worse was that the food tasted like a rat’s ass, yet the two of you dined like kings regardless. well, you pretended to at least. as you were suppressing your disgusted expressions out of kindness to both the waiters and the other guests, denki couldn’t help but stare at you. you were his person, and although the dinner wasn’t exactly all it was cracked up to be, he knew that you dealt with so much more of him than anyone else was willing to. that meant more to him than words could even express.

that, and he immediately bought you apology mcnuggets after you two left. then you two really ate like kings.

eijirou kirishima

long captions to their s/o on instagram

this mfing SAP

he has everything planned, he made like 3 drafts beforehand and even had bakugou proofread it for him

he had all the different pictures he wanted to post too

this is a little unrelated but mans definitely showed up to your house with red roses and a suit

LIKE A GENTLEMAN

your phone buzzed, indicating that you had received a new notification from instagram. after taking your phone off the table and entering in your passcode, you tapped into the instagram app and saw what had caused the tiny ping.

eijikirishima has tagged you in a post!

the first photo was an oldie, but a goodie. it was of you and eijirou at prom together back when you both graduated from ua. he looked absolutely stunning in the darkened suit he had bought, right beside you in a matching colour scheme. though the picture was in fact a meme in itself, as he posed like that one will smith picture gesturing to you with the goofiest smile. you remembered telling him that he was absolutely banned from wearing crocs that night to the dance. it was a good thing you had saved him from that utter atrocity.

the next picture was a photo of you with the puppy you had adopted together. you had named him bean, to which eijirou had expressed was the manliest name he had ever heard for a tiny pomeranian puppy. you were pressing a kiss to bean’s nose, the angle of the photo showing off your loving nature that he had fallen for.

the last was a picture of you sleeping against him during a long train ride for a mission. it wasn’t the most flattering picture eijirou had of you, but it was certainly one of his favourites. you looked so at peace, cuddling against his side with a tiny line of drool running down your chin. he was smiling in the picture, his eyes solely trained on you with the most wholesome look on his face. he was so utterly in love with you, and this picture couldn’t have showcased that look any more clearly.

the caption read as follows:

Hey bros! It’s Valentine’s Day, which means that it is my duty to post about the most amazing person I’ve ever had the pleasure of dating for about five years now! Y/N, we’ve been through so much together over the years, we’ve had ups and downs and everything else in between but I’ve been fortunate enough to remain standing here as the person you can confide in, much like you are that person to me. You’re my rock. I continue to find so much more to love about you every single day. I hope I get to spend the rest of my days with you, my best friend, my partner throughout everything. I love you so so much, pebble. I hope we get to stay just like this forever, and grow as we go along.

needless to say, many happy tears were shed that day.

tamaki amajiki

love letters in their shoe locker

for all the days leading up to valentine’s, tamaki put a different letter in your locker

mirio hyped him up asf to even get him to write what he was feeling towards you

and he was still nervous as hell and had mirio stand guard so that you didn’t accidentally walk in on him shoving weird notes in your locker

but unfortunately for tamaki, mirio isn’t a very good watchman

and so you caught him in the act, right on valentine’s day ironically

it was the end of a long, rather eventful day at school. you had gotten a few confessions from some other students, to which you turned down due to someone else being on your mind. for the past few days, you had begun collecting small letters in your shoe locker. the notes were short, handwritten with small doodles and even a recipe or two for you to try. it seemed like this person was reaching out to you to express their true feelings, their intimate and romantic feelings, towards you. and you couldn’t help but feel the same towards them, whoever they were. this admirer unveiled small details about themselves to you, yet hadn’t revealed enough for you to piece together a name. so here you were, sprinting down the hallway as soon as the bell went to try and catch a glimpse of this mystery individual who had been leaving you such sweet writings for you to cherish.

you rounded the final corner and there you saw him. before that happened however, you first you ran into your classmate and good friend mirio, who let out a tiny “oof” at the sudden contact. you apologized to him in a rush, explaining in a rushed tone that you needed to go meet someone. he nodded and waved to you before realizing that he had one job and tamaki was definitely going to kill him later.

only slightly out of breath, you saw a mess of indigo hair and shaky hands sliding your latest note into your shoe locker. as he turned to leave, his face drained of colour at the sight of you. he slouched further, retreating into himself. he looked around nervously for an excuse as to what the hell he was doing shoving letters into your locker. though, you beat him to speaking first.

“it’s you.”

tamaki’s throat felt scratchy and swollen, his entire form shaking as you slowly, calmly made your way towards him. “i- i can explain, y/n,” tamaki barely murmured, his nerves beginning to get the best of him yet again. “your words, they were so intimate. you were so well spoken on paper, i just had to meet you in person,” you confessed to him with a patient smile on your face. you stood a relatively safe distance away, not wanting to overwhelm him by your presence. you had just caught him in such a compromising act, after all.

“i read all your letters,” you went on, “every night before bed, i read them, tamaki. i even tried out the udon recipe you gave me and it was the best udon i had ever had. everything you said in your letters, the confessions and the other, more personal stuff… is that all true?”

tamaki, though he felt frozen beneath your warm gaze, had the courage to nod his head. “i didn’t know how else to tell you,” he admitted, hands now covering his face in shame. suddenly, gentle fingers grasped at his shaky ones as you uncovered his face to the light that was you. “i like you too,” you said finally. it felt like a chord had snapped inside of tamaki’s mind and all his feelings came crashing down in a deep crescendo of emotions all for you. it was all that he had ever wanted from you: a response.

tags:

@meilbox

want to be on the taglist? see this post!

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #mha scenarios #bnha scenarios #shouto todoroki x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader #denki kaminari x reader #kaminari x reader #eijirou kirishima x reader #kirishima x reader #tamaki amajiki x reader #amajiki x reader #denkamis.scenarios

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toby-35 · 2 years ago

Note

👁️🎉✏️

~ @gay4fiction ~

Ah my dear son! Here for you are of Tony 🥰

👁 Post a screenshot of your f/o’s eye/eyes!

Here is the best pic I could find, his eyes are really 👀 there and I love it. Despite him being very angry here <33

🎉 Post a screenshot of your f/o where they’re smiling/laughing/having a good time.

Ah, at the nightclub, I came in from a supply run to find him dancing on the DJ stage. So of course, I joined him.

✏️ Post a screenshot of your f/o doing their job.

An oldie but a goodie, back in the day in LC, working at the clubs. Though I wasnt there this is a perfect picture. We do have one from our nightclub but i cannot seem to find it.

And another one just for you, of us both 🥰

Thank you, love ya <3

-Toby Dad

#f/o ask game #tony prince #my husband #from my tumblr son #love both of you very much :p

3 notes · View notes

magistralucis · 4 years ago

Note

I think I am ready to ask my first question about Evangelion. Please help me out, when you have the time! So. The End of Evangelion - some people view it as an 'alternative' ending. Some say it is the same as in the series but more detailed. I personally am not sure about either of those statements... but then again I am just confused. What is your view on this question? And should I watch 2:22 and 3:33 and 3.0+1.0 for better understanding?? the whole?? thing?? Thank you!

I hope you enjoyed your watch of the original NGE! Finally I can get to this question, thank you for waiting my beloved 💖

The very short answer: End of Evangelion and Evangelion episodes 25/26 are the same ending, and yes, the four films of Rebuild are worth watching.

The full answer: There's a dissertation in it.

I've been working on this question for weeks now. It's a very good question, a debated question, and it ultimately boils down to a question about what the ending means. Only by discussing the meaning can I make links between EOE and the episodes, and Evangelion is such a dense work that most references require a lengthy explanation. That's the delightful puzzle of the show, for sure, but it does not make the explaining easier 😂

So. Yes, they are the same ending. Episodes 25/26 focus strongly on Shinji's internal perspective from the start and end of Third Impact; EOE shows us the actual sequence of events that occurred in the world during 25/26, as well as what happened after, albeit briefly. They share one logical and narrative continuity, so watching only EOE or only the episodes would be missing out on half the ending. I think the 'alternate ending' suggestion comes from the fact that the mood of the final sequences are so different. How the hell can this

be the same as this?

I'd like to answer this with an essay on structure. About how the ending of Evangelion is ordered, and in more detail, the two sequences which bookend Third Impact. Afterwards, I'd also like to add a few words about the message of Evangelion. All parts of this answer aim to reconcile the difference in mood between the series ending and EOE, and explain how they're the same thing. I hope it's a helpful analysis. Such an oldie but goodie, Evangelion, I really enjoyed writing this one.

Read on for a very long post under the cut.

Title Cards and Chronology

Let's explore the ordering first. Each episode of Evangelion has two titles in eyecatches. One is the original Japanese title, the second an English title. The latter are sometimes a direct translation of the former, but in the vast majority of episodes they are not, including 25 and 26.

These are from episode 25.

From episode 26. And notably, EOE has them too. The details are subtly different - the Japanese title cards of EOE use numbers to indicate the episode numbers, instead of writing them out in kanji as they do in the TV episodes - but they're recognizably in the same format the TV episodes have going on.

Feature-length films don't need eyecatches. This can only be a conscious tie-in to the TV episodes. Structurally, these cards are the clearest indication that the events of EOE and the events of 25/26 are ordered alike, as the titles themselves are in conversation:

1) Episode 25's Japanese title 終わる世界 translates to 'The End of the World', or preserving the intransitive, 'The World Ending'. The corresponding segment in EOE, 'Air', deals with that exact event - right up to the point where it becomes no longer possible, in fact, to prevent the world's end. Ritsuko's plan to blow up NERV fails; Asuka fails to destroy the Mass-Produced Evangelions; once Shinji ascends in Unit 01, it's game over, he's too broken to not want the world gone. And of course, 'Air (on the G-String)' is also the soundtrack that plays over all those events in EOE.

2) The English titles 'Do you love me?' vs. 'Love is destructive' clearly correlate to each other. They don't respond to the other, at least not directly, but I think they represent aspects of the same thought. Relationships in Evangelion are very much defined by the need for love, but the great fear of it as well. Kind of like an emotional representation of the hedgehog's dilemma (which also happens to be the English title of episode 4).

There's one very important difference between the two here as well. 'Love is destructive' appends an apostrophe to the episode number (25'). One could read that to mean EOE is an AU of the TV series - episode 26 later flirts with the idea of multiple Evaverses, so it's not out of the question - but I don't think this indicates that much of a difference. If anything, the apostrophe feels kind of like an asterisk, or a footnote marker. A signifier of extra context, which makes the 'Love is destructive' segment less an alternative to episode 25, and more of a supplement. This is consistent with the extra information EOE provides.

3) Episode 26's Japanese title 世界の中心でアイを叫んだけもの literally translates to 'The Beast that Shouted 'Ai' at the Heart of the World'. It's a direct homage to Harlan Ellison's The Beast that Shouted Love at the Heart of the World, as ai (愛) means love in Japanese; however, where 'love' should be (アイ) is in katakana, so you could also say it refers to the first-person 'I'. Both interpretations are valid, because they square with the things Shinji realizes about himself, as well as this part:

Unit 01 is literally the beast that cries out at the heart of the world! Its cry is the assertion of Shinji's existence (the 'I'). It also occurs after Shinji has had his heart-to-heart with Rei and Kaworu (Lilith and Adam) and perceived their love (the '愛'). The corresponding EOE title (まごころを、君に, lit. 'My Truest Heart For You') illustrates this moment, as well as Shinji's hopes and desires post-Third Impact.

4) The English titles 'Take care of yourself' and 'I need you' are, again, corresponding sentiments. What I find most interesting here is what comes before them; EOE's 'ONE MORE FINAL' is clearly referencing 26's 'FINALE', but the fact it specifies one more implies that the two finales are chronologically linked. Not alternative, not another, but one more. It's a phrase that can only be used with something prior to refer to. If the chronology of 'One More Final' is later, it also explains why that title card comes so late in the film, covering only the apocalypse hellscape. Unlike ‘Love is destructive’, we’re meant to see this one as continuous information.

That's the overall structure sorted. Let's look deeper into EOE, and Instrumentality in general.

Cogito Ergo Sum

Instrumentality is treated as a free-flowing monologue in the episodes, interspersed with 'case studies' of the various main characters. Not the most straightforward treatment, but at least, it's fairly obvious that we're looking into Shinji's mind.

So by all rights, EOE should show us the events which take place externally to him. This it does, but arguably, EOE's treatment of Instrumentality isn't much clearer than it is in the episodes. In fact, I think the sequence just before Shinji triggers Instrumentality might be less comprehensible than the 'case studies'. Just as well the two correspond to one another. I want to pay some attention to what's happening in the EOE version before I move forward with the longest section of this essay, because the context revealed here is necessary in order to understand that part.

Simply put: EOE makes it clear that Shinji's engaged in a real encounter between souls. He's not just processing his own memories, his own experiences, his own perceptions of those people. Asuka, Misato, and Rei are really there with Shinji, and he is seeing their real memories, and they his.

This is possible because Evangelion is a substance-dualist universe. Souls are separate to the body, and can exist outside of it. (Sometimes the soul can even be split into multiple parts - this happened to Asuka's mother, whose soul was split in two, and Lilith, whose soul exists in fragments scattered between Reis.) As Third Impact progresses, the souls of the three women make their way to Shinji: Asuka and Misato have died, liberating their souls, while Rei has fully regained her identity as Lilith. Shinji is the one who has the power to unleash Instrumentality, but it is Rei/Lilith/Giant Naked Rei who sets the stage. She resonates with Unit 01, and reaches inside to Shinji, asking him: what is it that you wish for?

Shinji, too, has lost physical form by this point. His body has melted into LCL like he did post-Zeruel, liberating his soul, enabling contact with the souls of Asuka, Misato, and Rei. All bodily/emotional barriers are down between the four of them, which enables Shinji to peer into their minds, and them into his own.

This explains the first scene in this dreamlike sequence: the sand pyramid scene, which notably takes place on a stage set, the same one where Shinji and other characters are performing as 'actors' in episode 25/26. This actually is the state of Shinji's mind, and that is the real Asuka, expressing disgust at the hopelessness of it.

And that disgust is important. It shows us that even if other people open their hearts to you, you are not guaranteed to perceive their sincerity. We're often led to think that once we've heard another person's side of the story, we'll understand what made them act that way. But this is just not true. A person can be completely honest with you, but you still filter their honesty through your pre-conceived perceptions of them, and that is a much greater barrier than we're prepared to acknowledge.

Shinji is engaging with real hearts and real souls. But he's still processing his encounter with them through the Asukas and Misatos and Reis of his mind. The people he thinks he cannot trust.

Asuka fails to empathize with Shinji's pain, despite looking right into the center of it. Not because she doesn't understand what she's seen, but because she has already been hurt by Shinji and others beforehand. She's only just woken up from the assault of the MP Evangelions, which Shinji failed to save her from, like all the other ways he's let her down before. Of course she's not sympathetic, at least not right now.

In that same way, despite looking into their memories, Shinji fails to comprehend the love Asuka, Misato, and Rei have for him. He's already in a terrible state as it is. He was recently forced to kill Kaworu with his bare hands, lost Asuka, lost Misato, lost Rei (II) - and that's only his material losses, not counting his abandonment issues, suicidal urges, and the guilt he feels towards everybody. And now they're here, and they're not kind, they are just as distressed and fragmented as he is! He distrusts their openness. No matter how nice other people might be, to Shinji they represent only pain and anguish.

That tension finally explodes with the first time he strangles Asuka. He does this twice, once before Instrumentality, once after it. Both times, it is an act borne of fear, but with different results. These are the scenes which bookend Third Impact, and they're also the closest real-world representation of Shinji's mental state as depicted in 25/26 - embodying, in other words, the difference in mood between the film and the series. They warrant a detailed examination, so I'll jump to it.

Fear and Trembling

Shinji's mindscape is a terrible place, and he's having a bad time. We move from Shinji's perspective, to Misato's (the sexual encounter), to Asuka's (the kiss), the train (the meeting-point of souls), and finally into Misato's apartment where the first strangulation scene occurs. I list those in order because there is something markedly unreal about that last location, compared to all of the others.

Every other scene that came before depicts real thoughts and events. Misato and Kaji really did have a sexual relationship, Asuka really did approach Shinji to kiss him (and felt rejected by him during the process), the train really is a spiritual medium in which souls gather. EOE doesn't explain that last one openly, but we know the train has that function because Shinji has been on it before.

It was where he was abandoned as a child (seen in episode 16), and his soul revisits it in episode 19, immediately after the Unit 03 incident. Souls other than Shinji's come and go while in various states of liminality (Leliel and Rei) or unconsciousness (Touji), so we know this train is not purely conjured from Shinji's imagination.

Misato's apartment is a different story. From the overall setup, and the spilled coffee, this seems to be directly lifted from episode 24. Shinji and Asuka argue, and in a fit of anger, Shinji blurts out that Kaji has died. In the very next scene Asuka attempts suicide, overcome with despair, and will not be shown conscious in the episodes again. This apartment is the last location where Shinji and Asuka addressed each other as human beings, and if he has lingering regrets about any one place, it makes sense it is this one.

But these are not the clothes they were wearing in episode 24. These are from the time they kissed. A disaster of a kiss, and for Asuka, a traumatic rejection: she keeps returning to the memory of this night whenever we glimpse into her mind. These clothes signify the affection Shinji and Asuka have for each other, but also how they've hurt one another. Such mixed imagery suggests to me that this scene is Shinji's imagine spot - it's not about what really happened the night he told Asuka Kaji had died, but what he wishes he would've told her instead.

His posture is bent, pleading. He approaches Asuka with the attitude he wanted from others, non-aggressive and honest, and tells her his true feelings. I want to help you, Asuka, and I want to stay with you.

Then don't do anything. Don't come near me. All you ever do is hurt me.

But in the end, Asuka pushes him away. More accurately, the Asuka he perceives in his mind pushes him away. It's debatable whether this is Asuka's real soul partaking in this scene (as her soul's currently on the train), or an Asuka projected purely from Shinji's mind - but it seems clear that in any case, Shinji perceives her as hostile, regardless of what the real Asuka feels.

And that is his mistake. You're not guaranteed to understand other people, even if you can see into their hearts. It makes perfect sense that Asuka's true feelings are alien to Shinji, because he's Shinji, and not Asuka. Shinji has no trust in the Other, so the Other in his mind rejects him too. As harsh as the real Asuka can be to him, the rejection he feels from her is largely a problem of his own perception.

This sequence represents not just a conversation between Shinji and Asuka, but the general state of the human condition between 'myself' and the 'Other'. Shinji's pleas here are repeated verbatim in episode 25 by Shinji, Asuka, and Misato, onstage and facing the fourth wall. It's a deliberate reference, and the indication that Shinji here represents all the 'I's who exist in this world. His struggle is our own.

Do you love me? Episode 25 asked. Shinji journeyed to the depths of his mind for an answer to that question, and now he's reached a conclusion.

No, they don't love me. No one loves me. I'm alone in this universe, and no one can save me. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't exist, everyone else is agony to me. Everyone already hates me. Everyone already wants me gone. If only we could all die and be free forever.

No, in fact, that's exactly what should happen. Let's all die. Everyone hates me, so they can all just die.

Thus begins the Instrumentality of humankind.

Fast-forwarding to the second scene. It takes place during 'One More Final: I need you' - one more final, so after episode 26's 'Finale: take care of yourself'. By now Shinji's mental state should be different. Episode 26, and the long conversation Shinji shares with Rei and Kaworu in EOE, spent a great length of time debunking his fears. It was framed as a revelation, so it seems only logical that Shinji's actions after this part should reflect the things he learnt.

So... he goes back to doing exactly what he was doing before, which is to strangle Asuka. Again.

Why? It begs the question. Why, well... why? Have we not already established that Third Impact was not the answer? Shinji spent all that time rejecting the fears which led him to cause Instrumentality, didn't he? He came to terms with reality, overcame the fear of other people, realized that he needs other people in his world - it's literally the title of this segment! Why reverse the maturity he worked so hard to gain?

To that I would offer the answer that Shinji hasn't actually matured yet. It's an unsatisfying answer, but that's what reality is like. Real growth requires conscious and concentrated effort, and it is often accompanied by pain, because to grow means to expand in directions you didn't exist in before.

Shinji's growth has never been a straightforward process throughout Evangelion: he has often misunderstood, made damaging mistakes, or hesitated a second too long upon important realizations before he could grow from them. Think of when Misato gave Shinji her cross pendant, accompanied by the 'kiss of an adult'.

If Evangelion had been a cliche coming-of-age-story, Misato's sacrifice would've snapped Shinji out of his despair in this scene. Her last words would have stirred him, he'd have boarded Unit 01, and gone to rescue Asuka right away with his newfound determination. But that wasn't what happened. Shinji couldn't act, even knowing Misato died to save him, and ultimately his inaction leads to Asuka's death.

The fear of other people can't be fixed with a few words. The same goes for Shinji's pain. When Misato came to find him for the last time, he had lost all sense of self, suffered the trauma of losing his friends several times over, and had recently attempted suicide. Not even Misato's sacrifice, not even his awareness of that sacrifice, could fix that for him. Of course, that's not to say Misato's sacrifice was meaningless - her cross pendant (representing her will) remains with Shinji throughout the entirety of Third Impact, and gives him the strength to return to the real world. It's in the persistent presence of that cross, and Shinji's interactions with it, that we see how the human mind works. Influences sprinkle upon it like a seed, lay down roots, grow within it slowly.

And I think that explains a lot too, structurally, about the split of Evangelion's ending. No single episode, or a standard film, would have covered it all. The split allows us to consider in equal measure where those influences come from, how Shinji receives them in his mind, and his new beginning as he starts to nurture them.

It's a drawn-out process, a cruel process, and we never get to see the final product - because human growth has no fixed ending. It's a convoluted way to tell the story, but it's what allows Evangelion to depict true growth, rather than merely preaching theory. Shinji's exact realization, spelled out between EOE and the end of episode 26, was this:

I don't like myself. But I could learn to like myself. In the end, I am myself, and it is sufficient that I allow myself to exist.

So even by the end, Shinji has never actually learned to like himself, nor has he overcome his fear of other people. And that's valid. It just means Shinji needs time and experience to affirm what he learned. I'd say Shinji is exactly where we'd expect him to be, and that if Evangelion had ended with a simple 'now I'm better and I like myself', we would've found it less convincing. Evangelion doesn't promise us happiness, but rather points out the road towards it - posing to us, ultimately, the greater question of what it means to perceive reality.

Let's read into the final scene further. Shinji's reality is a bad, bleak place. He hasn't learned to like himself yet, so it makes sense that when he wakes up, he still hates himself and fears other people - and ends up hurting them, as Kaworu warned him he would. Strangling Asuka was bad enough the first time, arguably this time is worse. The first scene happened in an imagine spot, with Shinji lashing out against the Asuka of his mind; this time Shinji and Asuka are unquestionably real, both in body and in spirit, and he is really hurting her.

It's a dark scene, gratuitously violent even, depending on how one looks at it. One's mileage may vary on whether that downgrades Evangelion as a creative work; right now, I'm focusing purely on why this scene serves as bookends. Why do we need to see this again? The angles of both scenes are the same, we're clearly meant to interpret the two scenes together.

Part of it, I think, is to convey Shinji's lingering desire for Instrumentality. For togetherness. Knowing something isn't a good idea, and actually being able to let go, are different things. Shinji is all alone when he wakes up in his reality: Rei is gone, Kaworu is gone, his mother is gone. Everyone is gone. The only person remaining is Asuka, who makes him feel terrible. Asuka, who is a complete Other to him, whose love language Shinji cannot understand. Asuka, who Shinji firmly believes hates him, and who was the trigger to Instrumentality. I could easily believe that once the weight of reality sunk in, Shinji's terrible fear of people briefly shadowed the important realizations he'd had.

After all, he didn't have to worry about people when they were all soup together. Shinji taking his internal conflict out on Asuka is disturbing, in that context, but not a stretch.

But that doesn't explain why the scene goes on for so long, nor Asuka's own uncanny reaction. I think that part of the explanation lies in the 'mistake' Shinji made during the first strangulation scene: you're not guaranteed to understand other people, even if you can see into their hearts. Shinji is still misinterpreting Asuka. In his imagine spot, he was not dealing with a real Asuka who really hated him, but the imagined Asuka who he thought despised him. And on top of that, what she said to Shinji during Instrumentality would also have been a shock:

To Shinji, her words - never with you! - were proof of Asuka's rejection. He filters her words through the lens of his self-hatred, and because he hates himself, he thinks Asuka hates him too. That she's refusing everything about his existence, full stop.

But that's not what Asuka meant. She was refusing to partake in Instrumentality with Shinji because she wanted him to remain as Shinji Ikari, not mere atoms swirling in primordial soup. Love and emotions only have meaning if they can be shared between individuals, and she just didn't want to lose the boundaries that made herself and Shinji who they are. The scene where Rei and Shinji re-establish their selves in the ocean of LCL illustrates this.

Unfortunately, the message didn't get through. She'd hurt Shinji too much for him to understand, and Shinji had hurt her too much for her to be kind. And now, on this beach, the scenario is repeating itself again. Do you love me? No, Shinji thinks, of course Asuka doesn't love me, she doesn't want to exist in the same place as I do. He does what he did the first time he came to that conclusion, and like that first time, Asuka doesn't resist.

This is incredibly out of character for her. Asuka is by far the most death-avoidant person in Evangelion. Throughout the show and film she repeatedly asserts she doesn't want to die; if she must die, she would rather it was at her own hands, not someone else's. (As tragic as it is, the fact she goes further in her one suicide attempt than Shinji does across several shows this perfectly.) All her life she resisted someone else coming out on top of her - so why let Shinji do this, not once but twice?

Maybe we can dismiss the first time as a figment of Shinji's imagination. But the fact it also happens with the real embodied Asuka must mean something. Perhaps her AT field isn't stable yet. Or perhaps, just perhaps - she's decided to give into Shinji's wants. That would be a terrifying possibility indeed, for her lack of resistance can only confirm the fears in Shinji's heart: that she doesn't want to be here with him.

Asuka's lack of resistance justified Instrumentality for Shinji the first time. So this time around, I wonder if he does this because he wants Asuka to resist. From his point of view, if Asuka throws him off and continues to live, it means she won't deny a world with herself and Shinji in it.

So what does she give him? Resistance? Death?

Neither. She touches Shinji's cheek in the same way Yui did.

A quick aside to Rei, earlier in 'One More Final'. The brief image is presented as if she's come to say goodbye to Shinji, but I think she had business with Asuka as well.

When the girls last met, Rei said to Asuka: if you don't open your heart, the Eva won't move. Remember on that day, Asuka was suffering from menstrual pains: I don't want to have children, she said, why should I suffer? Asuka refuses to be a mother because her own mother only caused her pain, while Rei - despite possessing the soul of Lilith, and thus being the mother of all mankind by proxy - is physically unable to be one until the events of EOE occur. I wonder if the elevator scene, and this final encounter, was Rei passing on this role to Asuka.

After all, Asuka is the next 'mother' of humankind. There will be no Angels, Adam, or Lilith in the world after Third Impact - only Shinji and Asuka, followed presumably by other humans, whose wills will shape the world around them.

The first time, Asuka refused. But the second time, she granted Rei's request: notice the parallels between her bandaged self, and Rei's from the first episode. They're mirror images, but bandaged in the same parts. Rei's will clearly had something to do with Asuka's presence, as well as the role she will play in the new world. Not only that, Asuka echoes Shinji's own mother in this sequence: she touches his face, with the same hand and angle as Yui's, and presumably also with the same question.

Only then does Shinji realize how wrong he was about people. This is the moment he truly understands, and accepts, that the Asuka in his mind is not the real Asuka in front of him. The reason the Asuka in his mind refused him is because he was refusing himself. He thought that was all he could expect out of Asuka, but the real Asuka showed him concern, she was kind, she asked him if he was all right. Only now, after coming so far and making so many mistakes, does Shinji truly understand that other people represent not fear but hope. Ashamed of his foolishness, he weeps, and his tears fall on Asuka's cheek - a reciprocal gesture, indicating their hearts have touched.

But Hideaki Anno didn't stop there. He inserts a final twist of the knife.

Can't let such an infamous line go by uncommented, can we?

'How does it feel?'

'気持ち悪い' ('kimochi warui', literally 'it feels bad') is a bizarre thing for Asuka to say, but not a surprising one. She saw into Shinji's mind during Instrumentality, saw the memory of him masturbating to her, as well as his deathly fear of her in general. She'd remember the agony of being torn apart by the MP Evangelions, her despair that Shinji never came to save her. She resisted the loss of her individuality all throughout Evangelion, so she must have found the process of Instrumentality repulsive, that forced togetherness of herself and others.

And really, it just... can't be pleasant waking up to this hellscape. It feels bad to be on a beach like this, surrounded by the ossified remains of those who killed her. It feels bad, being strangled by Shinji again, it feels bad (humiliating?) that she assented to Rei's request after all, and right now, Shinji weeping onto her cheek feels pretty bad, too.

But more than anything, she would be frustrated. Sad. Hurt, because Shinji is still afraid of her. She said to him on the train: if I can't have you all to myself, I don't need anything at all. Shinji perceived this as hostility, but her meaning was actually very simple, and heartfelt: I won’t be able to endure it, if I can’t be yours. Her pride wouldn't let her say it like that, but it was there. It was even in the soundtrack. She came all this way with him to convey her true feelings, but baka Shinji had to be an idiot, and he hurt her again.

She would’ve been so hurt. She would’ve felt terrible. Of course Asuka feels bad.

'気持ち悪い' is Shinji and Asuka's shared response to the Other. Shinji said it in episode 1, during the first time he was submerged in LCL; Asuka said it in episode 22, standing in front of the bathwater she was meant to share with Shinji and Misato. The repetition of '気持ち悪い' in EOE signposts that it's the real Shinji and Asuka on the beach, irrevocably alien to each other, but together. It's also a possible response to what Rei asked of Shinji - and by extension, us - during Instrumentality:

Does it feel good? Evangelion ends with a resounding no, which some might find damning. But the message of Evangelion isn't that the world feels good to be in. The world is actually full of things that feel bad, but as long as you have the will to keep living, you have the power to create paradise anywhere in this world. Asuka's '気持ち悪い' is Anno's, and perhaps everyone's, honest observation of the world. And that's a vital part of acknowledging reality. Even though the world feels bad, there is hope in it, as poignant as a tear or as gentle as the touch of a hand.

And isn't that hope worth living for? Together?

'One More Final' is incredibly dark for a sequence that speaks of hope. But if you balance that darkness with the euphoria of 'Congratulations!', it doesn't seem so out of place anymore. The binary opposition is intentional, because even through the sweet dreams of past and future, Evangelion wants us to remember the present reality. How we perceive that reality makes all the difference to our world, as this sequence from episode 26 illustrates:

- It's you that perceives reality as bad and unpleasant. - It's you who's mistaken reality for the truth. - The slightest difference in your perspective on reality, and the importance you place upon it, will greatly change the world inside your mind. -There are as many truths as there are people, but there’s only one truth for you. - On sunny days, you feel good. - On rainy days, you feel down. - Once you've been taught that, you make yourself believe it. - Even though pleasant things can happen on rainy days too.

Some people would see hope in the ending. Some people, only despair. There is no one answer, but there are many answers. Personally, I like to focus on hope, because that's what I got out of watching Evangelion. Rei taught Shinji to hope within his dreams, and Asuka showed him what hope means in reality. Misato, Rei, and Shinji were all hope manifest, all along, and not fear. Rei said it would be all right - Kaworu, Yui, Shinji himself all said it would be all right, the final sequence downright said: I need you. To translate that as despair, based purely on aesthetics, would be against the spirit of Evangelion's message. And, well. Speaking of shaping realities.

The End of 'Evangelion'

Now that we've come this far, I might as well attempt to explain this as well. The ending screen of EOE seems abrupt, even disturbing, but it's actually a further demonstration of what Eva says about reality.

What kind of future awaits Shinji and Asuka after the end? Frankly, it doesn't look peachy. This world looks uninhabitable. They could wait for more people to come back, but where are they going to carve out another civilization, what are they going to do until then? Yes, Shinji has gained hope in others, but is that enough? For the answer to that, we need to go back to episode 26. That sea of LCL by Shinji and Asuka is not just the stuff people were previously made of, but the world of pure possibility itself.

We exist how we envision we do. Not because our world was always that way, but because we believe that our world looks like that. When everything was reset back to LCL, it opened up the possibility for an entirely new world. Doubtless human beings will return, but it won't stop there - their hearts, and their will to live, will help build a new world faster than we can imagine.

Episode 26 suggests one such possibility.

This is a light-hearted scene, easily passed over for comedy. But if you check the date on Gendo's newspaper, it says September 2016 on it. As Third Impact took place on January 2016, September is about the right time for humans to have come back and settled into this reality. The parallel world of 26 even visually calls back to the events of EOE - Yui and Gendo's faces are hidden, reflecting that they did not participate in Instrumentality - so it is consistent with what we've seen so far. A valid suggestion for a new world.

Another such world might be that of the manga. Yet another, the games, the spinoffs, the fics, the doujinshi, countless numbers of them.

Yet another, of course, Rebuild of Evangelion. I recommend it heartily. I won’t spoil anything, except that Anno will always Anno, and it shows.

No one knows what world Shinji and Asuka will make, nor what humanity's return means for that canvas, only that the canvas is blissfully blank. Because there are no longer any pre-established beliefs on what a world looks like, good might come of it, or bad. But for the first time in the Evangelion universe, the matter is entirely up to human will, not that of Angels, Adam, Lilith, or any gods there might be. Shinji, who briefly became a legend, gifted that possibility to the world. Everyone is now truly free to exist however they wish to be.

Remember how Rei gave no answer to Shinji's question: is it all right for me to be here? Shinji despaired at her silence, but really, that was just one way of looking at it. Rei would not have been able to answer this question because there is no answer to this question: our existence is not a question of duty, or one's just deserts. Do we exist for a reason? Of course not. And we don't need permission to exist, either. We just exist, and if that works for us, that's fine.

It all depends on perspective.

This also explains the despairing mood of the final sequence. It makes sense that Shinji could only form this hellscape, because his fear of others and his guilt over Asuka are still the dominant emotions in his mind. But because Asuka came to him, and showed him hope, the world from that point is truly unknowable. The potential of their new world must've magnified exponentially the moment their true hearts touched one another. It's right at that moment Anno chooses to end EOE, leaving all possible worlds to cook in our imaginations.

If you felt horror and revulsion upon watching Evangelion, the world you envision for them will doubtless be just as dark. No one can deny that possibility. But if you felt hope upon watching Evangelion, the world you envision will be a bright one, and nobody can deny that either. That's why Anno didn't depict the future world, at least not in an acknowledged sense, because it cannot be depicted. It would dilute the message. That new world should be known only to you, because for you there is only one truth, because as many such worlds should exist as the number of people who've ever watched Evangelion.

It may well be that you (whoever you might be, however far in the future) disagree with what I had to say in this essay. That is perfectly valid, and a demonstration of a healthy attitude to watching this show. I do hope, however, that my words were able to touch your heart. Evangelion is a masterpiece, and it lives most richly in discussions between people, after all.

And so we come back to this, finally. The subtitle of episode 26 is the concentrated form of that message. In order to achieve your dreams, you must treasure the present first, and for that you must take care of yourself. Joyful things come of joyful realities, and such realities are of our own making. Our dreams reside in reality; reality resides in the relationship between you and I; that relationship depends on our true feelings. Somewhere in there is happiness, and although Shinji still does not know where it is, he's going to find out.

Are you willing to find out, too?

Are you ready to be congratulated, purely by virtue of the fact you exist?

Thank you very much for reading. 💖💖💖

#nge #evangelion #neon genesis evangelion #end of evangelion #the end of evangelion #absolut kurant #analysis #essay #image heavy #long post #this essay is INCREDIBLY LONG pls be warned before jumping right into it ksjhfjhfh #it is however separated into sections if that helps #also it's evangelion so the content of the images are not necessarily pleasant #it is such an old anime and it's under a cut so i have not added any specific cws #but if you have not watched eva before i would avoid because heavy spoilers/eva is a dark anime #thank you absolut kurant for asking this question you have finally enabled the evangelion essay to come to fruition #and i am sorry i kept you waiting for so long x_x

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