#amazon sincerely what the Fuck are you doing

[birgittesilverbae]

9, 10, 21!

9. Best new fandom discovery of the year

hmmmm... I didn't get heavily into a new fandom this year; my big 3 (WoT, WN, TLT) are all 2020 or earlier obsessions. I enjoyed ALOTO as a show, but... yeah, I don't know

10. Biggest fandom disappointment of the year

no WoT season 2 release date, no release of the WoT season 2 clips that aired at cons, no WoT Origins season 2 release (what happened to that August release date??), very few WoT casting confirmations (we Know whose descriptions half the people you've cast fit, just confirm them already), the obvious prioritization of RoP over WoT and the advertising effort that WoT sure didn't receive, and-

21. Overall favorite fandoms of the year

WoT introduced me to some of my best friends, and Warrior Nun hit such a specific emotional niche for me and has me creating more fervently than I have in a while (and I've been getting to know some neat people through it as well)

[gaysindistress]

What if Simon didn’t listen when Price told him to apologize to his girl before she does go off and find herself a better man? - part two

a/n: I know John isn’t American but I kept picturing him as Joe from SIX and honety Gibs from NCIS and I couldn’t stop myself. I sincerely apologize that this John is American-grumpy-hot-military-older man coded (not really). Also I know it took a month and I’m so sorry 🙈 I got so busy at work but it’s here! Enjoy!!

Warnings: smutty smut smut, phone sex

non-mcu masterlist

part one

Taglist: @going-to-ikea-for-the-fries @calicocat45 @whos-fran @vonev @yyiikes

The situation at hand is tricky to say the least. Waiting around and trying to be careful of everyone’s feelings will push you away. On the other hand, he’s wanted to show you the love that you deserve and now is his chance.

Fuck Simon.

Fuck him for treating you like a safety net and like you’re replaceable. Fuck him for letting you shoulder the burden of your relationship and expecting you to always be at his beck and call. Fuck him for lying to you instead of having the balls to just be honest about why he wanted to break up. Fuck Simon Riley for saying that you could find a better man and expecting you to not listen to him for once.

“I want a lot of things,” he starts and takes a moment to choose his words, “I might be a gentleman but I’m a selfish man. I won’t take what’s not offered but you’d be hell bent to find me sharing my life with others. If you say that it’s over and mean it, well then love, I’ll be the most selfish man you’ve ever met when it comes to you. Im not some young lad anymore; I’m settled in my life and now that things are stable I want someone to share it with. I’ll follow your lead when it comes to how we share it but just know that I don’t want something casual or even friendship.”

You’re still resting your chin on his shoulder, listening to his every word as hope begins to fill your eyes. It’s the last sentence he whispers as he gazes down at you that causes your breath to hitch;

“I’ll love you until my lungs give out.”

And this man Delivers. The capital d is not a typo. John Price understands that you’re an independent person and he respects that. That’s not to say that he doesn’t spoil the absolute shit out of you and ensures that you are happy in every facet of your life imaginable.

The dogs are being wild today and overwhelming you? As soon as he gets home, he’s taking them out on a walk and giving you instructions to go have yourself a nice hot bath. Dinner is already taken care of so no need to worry about that. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the quiet.

He’s been on deployment for a couple weeks and the loneliness is starting to creep in? You will be getting at least two check in texts a day and a call or FaceTime if he can before you go to bed. You should also expect some sort of care package to be on your doorstep weekly. This could be anything from flowers to your whole ass Amazon cart, all you need to do is say you miss him and he’s got you covered.

Things have been a little tense between the two of you? Well get ready because you’re going to be doing a check in that night where the two of you talk about whatever is going on. If it’s something small like you’re both stressed from work and a weekend getaway is needed, he’s already got that planned. If it’s something that needs more work, he’s ready to dive right into it and figure it out.

Still true to his internal word, nothing physical happens between you two at first. He wanted desperately to kiss you when he told you he would love you until his last breath but he didn’t. Disgusted by the enormity of his craving for you, John vowed to wait until you asked for his physical affection. Of course this meant he wouldn’t give into any of your advances until you told what you wanted.

After that night, you began the long and arduous process of breaking down John’s resolve. While it may have been unspoken, you knew what he wanted but you weren’t going to give into him so quickly. It started with closing the distance between you two. Instead of sitting on opposite ends of the couch, you’d lay your feet in his lap or move just close enough to trail your fingers over the back of his hand. Only would you move to sit beside him if he slung his thick arm over the couch’s back and beckoned you closer. Then you would take every opportunity possible to cuddle into his side and slyly skirt your hands across the waistband of his sweats when you wrapped your arms around him. If you were in the kitchen together, you were always just out of his grasp. His fingers could grasp at the back of your shirt but never fully grab you. You’d swiftly slip around him if he moved behind you but not before brushing your hands over him in some way.

Eventually you grew bolder and began to shower with the door propped open. You’d said it was so the dogs could still see you but John isn’t stupid. He knew that you wanted him to catch a glimpse of your body through the foggy glass doors. But here’s the thing; he’s not Simon. Simon would’ve joined you and fucked you on that glass door like your life depended on it but not a captain price.

No no no. John Price is going to make you say those three little words, ‘I want you’, before he touches you even if it means leaving on for a mission without so much as a chaste peck on the lips. No amount of sly looks and sneaky touches is going to convince this man to give into you.

He starts beating you at your own game though. his bedroom door is suddenly always cracked open making it so that you can hear every rumbling moan and gasp of your name when he fists his cock at night. You no longer feel the waistband of his underwear when you wrap your arms around his am waist during your cuddles. Instead your fingers find the thick trail of hair that disappears under his sweatpants. Speaking of which, John knows about grey sweat pants and he exploits that turn on every chance he gets. Soon it goes from just wearing them low on his hips to forgoing boxers (as mentioned above) and sometimes he even ‘forgets’ his shirt. The memory of his thick bare chest on display alone is enough to make you clench your legs together.

When he finally does have to leave for work, he presses a light kiss to your temple and tells you to be careful. It goes without saying but John makes your promise anyways. Eases his old heart as he likes to say. If only he would go easy on yours…

Nearly every photo, FaceTime, what have you, this man is bare chested with lidded eyes and a knowing smirk on his face. He knows that you’re frustrated with the way things have played out; namely his departure with no memorable moments. He’s already become an expert in you, knowing what your body langue means, what your blushes mean, and most importantly, what your words truly mean.

Probably about a month in to this mission is when it comes to a climax. Your hands were doing nothing to ease the ache between your legs and your toys were making it worse. It was as if your body knew that it was you instead John rubbing small circles into your clit late at night. You’d tried nearly everything you could think of aside from finding someone in a pub and telling the older captain about your dilemma. While you two weren’t anything more than roommates with feelings at this point, it still felt wrong to find someone else to help you out. With only one person that your body wanted and nothing you could do about it, you settled for being sexually frustrated and irritable.

John is finally able to get some alone time to call you and actually talk to you. Settled into some poor excuse for a cot, he makes himself comfortable as he waits for you to pick up. It makes maybe a few rings before your tight voice comes through with a short ‘hello?’

He wants to chuckle and fails to suppress it, “Well hello to you too, love.”

Immediately you sigh when you recognize his voice, “oh John it’s you. How are you?”

“Been better. What’s been going on with you?”

You let out another deep sigh, pausing to answer as you contemplate what to tell him.

“What is it, love? Something bothering you?”

“I…I’m just….im just irritable,” you attempt to pass off as the full truth but John knows you better than that.

“Irritable you say?”

You can hear him shuffle around on his end and it causes your legs to cross to even think about him. God it’s beyond annoying to be this turned on over just hearing him move around, let alone hear his voice right now.

“I’d say a relaxing day is in order,” he teases with a low pitched sultry tone, “find some relief in a massage maybe.”

Relief.

The word feels hot as it washes over your brain and invokes images that would make a nun curse under her breath.

You snort at his suggestion. In that small noise, he finds all the answers he needed; you’re about to break and murmur those three sweet words.

“No appeal to that, love?” He asks and you can just hear the smirk he’s wearing. “A massage isn’t the relief you’re looking for though is it? You need a different type of relief, isn’t that right love?”

That bastard.

You hear him shuffle again and you swear to god you hear the sound of a belt coming undone.

“Talk to me. Tell me how I can help.”

If you weren’t needy before, you must certainly are now. You feel pathetic, a bitch in heat with the way your body starts to react to his simple words. Practically mumbling you attempt to tell him to fuck off but it doesn’t sting as much as you’d hoped. John laughs off your feeble attempt at hiding the true reason you’re in a mood.

Instead of adding flame to fire, he stays quiet.

It takes 40 agonizing seconds of silence for you to groan his name out of frustration. The captain only hums his acknowledgment that you spoke.

Phone sex isn’t new to you by any means however there’s something about this time that causes you to falter. There’s something about the way he initiated it but is allowing you to lead where it goes. There’s something about the way he knew what you needed within seconds. There’s something about the way your body seems to know that it craves his without ever touching.

“Yes,” you mumble while your cheeks burn and your body sings at the thought of getting what it truly desires.

John chuckles under his breath and the sardonic sounds causes your eyes to squeeze shut.

“Be a good girl for me and slip your hand into your panties.”

Your hearing dulls to a muffled tone as your hand follows his instructions. Barely does your ears register the sound of skin on skin, a slick hand taunting an impossibly hard cock. Your name comes out as a groan when you tell him to continue.

“Fuuckkk, love. Tell me are ya wet?”

“S…soaked.” You sigh as you roll your clit with your fingertips.

He lets out a string of curses as his hips buck up into his hand and his cock throbs from his slow pace.

“I want you to keep rubbing your clit and fuck yourself with your fingers,” the captain orders you, “and dont try to hide any of those pretty sounds.”

You mumble a weak ‘okay’ as you work your clit in small circles, feeling yourself become even more wet.

Strings of curses fall from his lips as he listens to your desperate cries of pleasure. The sounds of his thrusts get louder and louder in time when you bury two fingers in and become to fuck yourself like he told you to. It feels better than all of your other attempts but it’s not enough.

Nothing will be enough until you can feel John’s cock deep inside of you. Until you can feel his hips rut against yours and his hoarse moans in your ear. Until you feel the burn that his facial hair will give you when he eats you out like a starved and neglected dog. Until you feel his warm speed leak from you after he’s worked you through several of your own orgasms.

The thoughts of what is to come push you over the edge and you moan out his name in an absolutely pornographic manner. It stirs something disgustingly powerful and sinful deep in his gut when he hears it. He can only imagine the beautiful display of pleasure and bliss that you’ve come as you lay panting post orgasm.

You can only imagine how stunning he looks with his sweats pulled down to his mid thigh, his bare chest rapidly rising and falling while his stomach is painted with his own cum.

“John?” You whisper after your breathing has returned to normal(ish). “When are you coming home?”

His lips turn up in a smirk at your word choice, “missing me more than you let on, now are ya love?”

“Yeah it’s lonely without you here. you can’t leave on another deployment like this without fucking me before.”

“I promise it won’t happen again, my love.”

[thebibliosphere]

I saw your post about ingram, and out of curiosity, is there some advantage to going through the whole self-publishing thing with retailers when you're just starting out? like I mean the way that fandom zines work is that they don't even bother going through ingram or amazon or whatever. they just set up a social media site (usually twitter) to gain followers, open preorders (usually 1-2 months in length) to generate the costs of printing upfront, and then sell anywhere from a few dozen to several hundred copies of their books (usually artbooks, but anthologies exist too). I've seen some zines generate over a thousand orders. they're kind of like pop-up shops, except for books. maybe the sales numbers aren't so impressive to a real author, but the profit generated is typically waaaay more than the $75+ apparently needed for Ingram Spark, so I still feel like new authors could benefit from this method too, especially if they just need some start-up cash to eventually move to ingram if they want to for subsequent runs of their book. I think authors would also have to set aside some of the pre-order money to buy an ISBN number to have printed on their book, and I'm not really sure what other differences there are, but I just wanted to ask about it in case there's some huge disadvantage I'm missing!

So, popup zines work well for some people, and I know some authors who kickstart their work successfully. But for a lot, it's just not feasible as a long-term stratedy. Or even as a means to get off the ground.

Fanzines succeed primarily because an existing fanbase is willing and ready to throw money at something they love. They’ve got a favorite writer or artist they want to support. Supporting all the others is just a happy by-product. They also take a HUGE amount of short-term but intense planning that just doesn’t always jive with how some of us work.

I, for one, would never offer to organize a fanzine. I’ll take part in them as a creator, but I’d rather throw myself off a cliff than subject myself to wrangling that many people and dealing with the legal logistics.

When it comes to authors doing anthologies, it'svery much the same. The success of the funding often hinges on having other big-name authors involved whose existing fans will prop up the project. Or having a huge marketing budget.

Most self-pub authors have zero marketing budget. I’m one of them, and I’m under no illusions that my work would not be as popular and self-sustaining as it is if I didn’t have a large Tumblr blog.

When I thank Tumblr in my forewards, I am utterly sincere. Tumblr brought fandom levels of enthusiasm to an unknown work and broke the Amazon algorithm so hard, that Amazon thought I was bot sniping my way to multiple #1 spots and froze my sales rankings.

That’s not the norm. And while I could probably kickstart my own work as an indie creator, that’s because I’ve put literal decades into building up a readership. I’ve been doing this since I was 16 and realized people thought I was funny. I didn’t know what to do with it or if I’d ever actually write anything, but it meant the groundwork was already there (thank you, past-me). I basically fell upward into my success by virtue of never being able to shut the fuck up and wanting to make people laugh. Clown instincts too strong.

New or first-time authors trying to sell their work without that will find it infinitely harder.

All of that aside, even if an unknown author somehow gets lucky and manages to fund their work, there’s still the question of shipping and distribution logistics. Are you shipping everything yourself? Better hope you’re able-bodied and have the time for it. (for reference, it took me months to ship out 300 patreon hardbacks because of my disabilites. It damaged my back and hands. I couldn’t type for several weeks after I was done.)

Are you going to sell primarily at conventions? Better hope you’re able-bodied, have the time and don’t have cripling anxiety about being in large groups...

Also, will selling a dozen to a few thousand copies in one burst be sustainable in the long run as a career? Not for me. Doing things via Ingram and Amazon means I earn a steady trickle of sales for the rest of my life provided the platforms remain and so long as I keep working and can generate interest in the series, not just when I have funds to pay for physical copies to sell. The one-time (in theory) cost of $75 to distribute through Ingram gets paid off pretty quick that way. And it doesn't require the same logistics as doing the popup/crowdfund.

Ultimately, it comes down to what you are capable of but also the type of work you’re doing. If you’ve got an extended network of fellow creatives who will back you or you’ve got a large following elsewhere, doing it like a popup might work for you.

If you’re an exhausted burnout who can’t fathom the short but intense amount of organization that sort of thing requires, not to mention doing it over and over and over... Ehhhhh. No thank you.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

Inkjump Linkdump

For the rest of May, my bestselling solarpunk utopian novel THE LOST CAUSE (2023) is available as a $2.99, DRM-free ebook!

It's the start of a long weekend and I've found myself with a backlog of links, so it's time for another linkdump – the eighteenth in the (occasional) series. Here's the previous installments:

https://pluralistic.net/tag/linkdump/

Kicking off this week's backlog is a piece of epic lawyer-snark, which is something I always love, but what makes this snark total catnip for me is that it's snark about copyfraud: false copyright claims made to censor online speech. Yes please and a second portion, thank you very much!

This starts with the Cola Corporation, a radical LA-based design store that makes lefty t-shirts, stickers and the like. Cola made a t-shirt that remixed the LA Lakers logo to read "Fuck the LAPD." In response, the LAPD's private foundation sent a nonsense copyright takedown letter. Cola's lawyer, Mike Dunford, sent them a chef's-kiss-perfect reply, just two words long: "LOL, no":

https://www.techdirt.com/2024/04/19/apparel-company-gives-perfect-response-to-lapds-nonsense-ip-threat-letter-over-fuck-the-lapd-shirt/

But that's not the lawyer snark I'm writing about today. Dunford also sent a letter to IMG Worldwide, whose lawyers sent the initial threat, demanding an explanation for this outrageous threat, which was – as the physicists say – "not even wrong":

https://www.loweringthebar.net/2024/05/lol-no-explained.html

Every part of the legal threat is dissected here, with lavish, caustic footnotes, mercilessly picking apart the legal defects, including legally actionable copyfraud under DMCA 512(f), which provides for penalties for wrongful copyright threats. To my delight, Dunford cited Lenz here, which is the infamous "Dancing Baby" case that EFF successfully litigated on behalf of Stephanie Lenz, whose video of her adorable (then-)toddler dancing to a few seconds of Prince's "Let's Go Crazy" was censored by Universal Music Group:

https://www.eff.org/cases/lenz-v-universal

Dunford's towering rage is leavened with incredulous demands for explanations: how on Earth could a lawyer knowingly send such a defective, illegal threat? Why shouldn't Dunford seek recovery of his costs from IMG and its client, the LA Police Foundation, for such lawless bullying? It is a sparkling – incandescent, even! – piece of lawyerly writing. If only all legal correspondence was this entertaining! Every 1L should study this.

Meanwhile, Cola has sold out of everything, thanks to that viral "LOL, no." initial response letter. They're taking orders for their next resupply, shipping on June 1. Gotta love that Streisand Effect!

https://www.thecolacorporation.com/

I'm generally skeptical of political activism that takes the form of buying things or refusing to do so. "Voting with your wallet" is a pretty difficult trick to pull off. After all, the people with the thickest wallets get the most votes, and generally, the monopoly party wins. But as the Cola Company's example shows, there's times when shopping can be a political act.

But that's because it's a collective act. Lots of us went and bought stuff from Cola, to send a message to the LAPD about legal bullying. That kind of collective action is hard to pull off, especially when it comes to purchase-decisions. Often, this kind of thing descends into a kind of parody of political action, where you substitute shopping for ideology. This is where Matt Bors's Mr Gotcha comes in: "ooh, you want to make things better, but you bought a product from a tainted company, I guess you're not really sincere, gotcha!"

https://thenib.com/mister-gotcha/

There's a great example of this in Zephyr Teachout's brilliant 2020 book Break 'Em Up: if you miss the pro-union demonstration at the Amazon warehouse because you spent two hours driving around looking for an indie stationer to buy the cardboard to make your protest sign rather than buying it from Amazon, Amazon wins:

https://pluralistic.net/2020/07/29/break-em-up/#break-em-up

So yeah, I'm pretty skeptical of consumerism as a framework for political activism. It's very hard to pull off an effective boycott, especially of a monopolist. But if you can pull it off, well…

Canada is one of the most monopoly-friendly countries in the world. Hell, the Competition Act doesn't even have an "abuse of dominance" standard! That's like a criminal code that doesn't have a section prohibiting "murder." (The Trudeau government has promised to fix this.)

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/editorials/article-an-overhauled-competition-act-will-light-a-fire-in-the-stolid-world-of/

There's stiff competition for Most Guillotineable Canadian Billionaire. There's the entire Irving family, who basically own the province of New Bruinswick:

https://www.canadaland.com/podcast/dynasties-2-the-irvings/

There's Ted Rogers, the trumpy billionaire telecoms monopolist, whose serial acquire-and-loot approach to media has devastated Canadian TV and publishing:

https://www.canadaland.com/podcast/canadaland-725-the-rogers-family-compact/

But then there's Galen Fucking Weston, the nepobaby who inherited the family grocery business (including Loblaw), bought out all his competitors (including Shopper's Drug Mart), and then engaged in a criminal price-fixing conspiracy to rig the price of bread, the most Les-Miz-ass crime imaginable:

https://www.blogto.com/eat_drink/2023/06/what-should-happened-galen-weston-price-fixing/

Weston has made himself the face of the family business, appearing in TV ads in a cardigan to deliver dead-eyed avuncular paeans to his sprawling empire, even as he colludes with competitors to rig the price of his workers' wages:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2020-06-12/a-supermarket-billionaire-steps-into-trouble-over-pandemic-wages

For Canadians, Weston is the face of greedflation, the man whose nickle-and-diming knows no shame. This is the man who decided that the discount on nearly-spoiled produce would be slashed from 50% to 30%, who racked up record profits even as his prices skyrocketed.

It's impossible to overstate how loathed Galen Weston is at this moment. There's a very good episode of the excellent new podcast Lately, hosted by Canadian competition expert Vass Bednar and Katrina Onstad that gives you a sense of the national outrage:

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/podcasts/lately/article-boycotting-the-loblawpoly/

All of this has led to a national boycott of Loblaw, kicked off by members of the r/loblawsisoutofcontrol, and it's working. Writing for Jacobin, Jeremy Appel gives us a snapshot of a nation in revolt:

https://jacobin.com/2024/05/loblaw-grocery-price-gouge-boycott/

Appel points out the boycott's problems – there's lots of places, particularly in the north, where Loblaw's is the only game in town, or where the sole competitor is the equally odious Walmart. But he also talks about the beneficial effect the boycott is having for independent grocers and co-ops who deal more fairly with their suppliers and their customers.

He also platforms the boycott's call for a national system of price controls on certain staples. This is something that neoliberal economists despise, and it's always fun to watch them lose their minds when the subject is raised. Meanwhile, economists like Isabella M Weber continue to publish careful research explaining how and why price controls can work, and represent our best weapon against "seller's inflation":

https://scholarworks.umass.edu/econ_workingpaper/343/

Antimonopoly sentiment is having a minute, obviously, and the news comes at you fast. This week, the DoJ filed a lawsuit to break up Ticketmaster/Live Nation, one of the country's most notorious monopolists, who have aroused the ire of every kind of fan, but especially the Swifties (don't fuck with Swifties). In announcing the suit, DoJ Antitrust Division boss Jonathan Kanter coined the term "Ticketmaster tax" to describe the junk fees that Ticketmaster uses to pick all our pockets.

In response, Ticketmaster has mobilized its own Loblaw-like shill army, who insist that all the anti-monopoly activism is misguided populism, and "anti-business." In his BIG newsletter, Matt Stoller tears these claims apart, and provides one of the clearest explanations of how Ticketmaster rips us all off that I've ever seen, leaning heavily on Ticketmaster's own statements to their investors and the business-press:

https://www.thebignewsletter.com/p/antitrust-enforcers-to-break-up-ticketmaster

Ticketmaster has a complicated "flywheel" that it uses to corner the market on live events, mixing low-margin businesses that are deliberately kept unprofitable (to prevent competitors from gaining a foothold) in order to capture the high-margin businesses that are its real prize. All this complexity can make your eyes glaze over, and that's to Ticketmaster's benefit, keeping normies from looking too closely at how this bizarre self-licking ice-cream cone really works.

But for industry insiders, those workings are all too clear. When Rebecca Giblin and I were working on our book Chokepoint Capitalism, we talked to insiders from every corner of the entertainment-industrial complex, and there was always at least one expert who'd go on record about the scams inside everything from news monopolies to streaming video to publishing and the record industry:

https://chokepointcapitalism.com/

The sole exception was Ticketmaster/Live Nation. When we talked to club owners, promoters and other victims of TM's scam, they universally refused to go on the record. They were palpably terrified of retaliation from Ticketmaster's enforcers. They acted like mafia informants seeking witness protection. Not without reason, mind you: back when the TM monopoly was just getting started, Pearl Jam – then one of the most powerful acts in American music – took a stand against them. Ticketmaster destroyed them. That was when TM was a mere hatchling, with a bare fraction of the terrifying power it wields today.

TM is a great example of the problem with boycotts. If a club or an act refuses to work with TM/LN, they're destroyed. If a fan refuses to buy tickets from TM or see a Live Nation show, they basically can't go to any shows. The TM monopoly isn't a problem of bad individual choices – it's a systemic problem that needs a systemic response.

That's what makes antitrust responses so timely. Federal enforcers have wide-ranging powers, and can seek remedies that consumerism can never attain – there's no way a boycott could result in a breakup of Ticketmaster/Live Nation, but a DoJ lawsuit can absolutely get there.

Every federal agency has wide-ranging antimonopoly powers at its disposal. These are laid out very well in Tim Wu's 2020 White House Executive Order on competition, which identifies 72 ways the agencies can act against monopoly without having to wait for Congress:

https://pluralistic.net/2021/08/13/post-bork-era/#manne-down

But of course, the majority of antimonopoly power is vested in the FTC, the agency created to police corporate power. Section 5 of the FTC Act grants the agency the power to act to prevent "unfair and deceptive methods of competition":

https://pluralistic.net/2023/01/10/the-courage-to-govern/#whos-in-charge

This clause has lain largely dormant since the Reagan era, but FTC chair Lina Khan has revived it, using it to create muscular privacy rights for Americans, and to ban noncompete agreements that bind American workers to dead-end jobs:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/04/25/capri-v-tapestry/#aiming-at-dollars-not-men

The FTC's power to ban activity because it's "unfair and deceptive" is exciting, because it promises American internet users a way to solve their problems beyond copyright law. Copyright law is basically the only law that survived the digital transition, even as privacy, labor and consumer protection rights went into hibernation. The last time Congress gave us a federal consumer privacy law was 1988, and it's a law that bans video store clerks from telling the newspapers which VHS cassettes you rented:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_Privacy_Protection_Act

That's left internet users desperately trying to contort copyright to solve every problem they have – like someone trying to build a house using nothing but chainsaw. For example, I once found someone impersonating me on a dating site, luring strangers into private spaces. Alarmed, I contacted the dating site, who told me that their only fix for this was for me to file a copyright claim against the impersonator to make them remove the profile photo. Now, that photo was Creative Commons licensed, so any takedown notice would have been a "LOL, no." grade act of copyfraud:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/10/21/the-internets-original-sin/

The unsuitability of copyright for solving complex labor and privacy problems hasn't stopped people who experience these problems from trying to use copyright to solve them. They've got nothing else, after all.

That's why everyone who's worried about the absolutely legitimate and urgent concerns over AI and labor and privacy has latched onto copyright as the best tool for resolving these questions, despite copyright's total unsuitability for this purpose, and the strong likelihood that this will make these problems worse:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/05/13/spooky-action-at-a-close-up/#invisible-hand

Enter FTC Chair Lina Khan, who has just announced that her agency will be reviewing AI model training as an "unfair and deceptive method of competition":

https://thehill.com/policy/technology/4682461-ftc-chair-ai-models-could-violate-antitrust-laws/

If the agency can establish this fact, they will have sweeping powers to craft rules prohibiting the destructive and unfair uses of AI, without endangering beneficial activities like scraping, mathematical analysis, and the creation of automated systems that help with everything from adding archival metadata to exonerating wrongly convicted people rotting in prison:

https://hrdag.org/tech-notes/large-language-models-IPNO.html

I love this so much. Khan's announcement accomplishes the seemingly impossible: affirming that there are real problems and insisting that we employ tactics that can actually fix those problems, rather than just doing something because inaction is so frustrating.

That's something we could use a lot more of, especially in platform regulation. The other big tech news about Big Tech last week was the progress of a bill that would repeal Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act at the end of 2025, without any plans to replace it with something else.

Section 230 is the most maligned, least understood internet law, and that's saying something:

https://www.techdirt.com/2020/06/23/hello-youve-been-referred-here-because-youre-wrong-about-section-230-communications-decency-act/

Its critics wrongly accuse the law – which makes internet users liable for bad speech acts, not the platforms that carry that speech – of being a gift to Big Tech. That's totally wrong. Without Section 230, platforms could be named to lawsuits arising from their users' actions. We know how that would play out.

Back in 2018, Congress took a big chunk out of 230 when they passed SESTA/FOSTA, a law that makes platforms liable for any sex trafficking that is facilitated by their platforms. Now, this may sound like a narrowly targeted, beneficial law that aims at a deplorable, unconscionable crime. But here's how it played out: the platforms decided that it was too much trouble to distinguish sex trafficking from any sex-work, including consensual sex work and adjacent activities. The result? Consensual sex-work became infinitely more dangerous and precarious, while trafficking was largely unaffected:

https://www.gao.gov/assets/gao-21-385.pdf

Eliminating 230 would be incredibly reckless under any circumstances, but after the SESTA/FOSTA experience, it's unforgivable. The Big Tech platforms will greet this development by indiscriminately wiping out any kind of controversial speech from marginalized groups (think #MeToo or Black Lives Matter). Meanwhile, the rich and powerful will get a new tool – far more powerful than copyfraud – to make inconvenient speech disappear. The war-criminals, rapists, murderers and rip-off artists who currently make do with bogus copyright claims to "manage their reputations" will be able to use pretextual legal threats to make their critics just disappear:

https://www.qurium.org/forensics/dark-ops-undercovered-episode-i-eliminalia/

In a post-230 world, Cola Corporation's lawyers wouldn't get a chance to reply to the LAPD's bullying lawyers – those lawyers would send their letter to Cola's hosting provider, who would weigh the possibility of being named in a lawsuit against the small-dollar monthly payment they get from Cola, and poof, no more Cola. The legal bullies could do the same for Cola's email provider, their payment processor, their anti-DoS provider.

This week on EFF's Deeplinks blog, I published a piece making the connection between abolishing Section 230 and reinforcing Big Tech monopolies:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2024/05/wanna-make-big-tech-monopolies-even-worse-kill-section-230

The Big Tech platforms really do suck, and the solution to their systemic, persistent moderation failures won't come from making them liable for users' speech. The platforms have correctly assessed that they alone have the legal and moderation staff to do the kinds of mass-deletions of controversial speech that could survive a post-230 world. That's why tech billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg love the idea of getting rid of 230:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2021/03/facebooks-pitch-congress-section-230-me-not-thee

But for small tech providers – individuals, co-ops, nonprofits and startups that host fediverse servers, standalone group chats and BBSes – a post-230 world is a mass-extinction event. Ever had a friend demand that you take sides in an interpersonal dispute ("if you invite her to the party, I'm not coming!").

Imagine if your refusal to take sides in a dispute among your friends – and their friends, and their friends – could result in you being named to a suit that could cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to settle:

https://www.engine.is/news/primer/section230costs

It's one thing to hope for a more humane internet run by people who want to make hospitable forums for online communities to form. It's another to ask them to take on an uninsurable risk that could result in the loss of their home, their retirement account, and their life's savings.

A post-230 world is one in which Big Tech must delete first and ask questions later. Yes, Big Tech platforms have many sins to answer for, but making them jointly liable for their users' speech will flush out treasure-hunters seeking a quick settlement and a quick buck.

Again, this isn't speculative – it's inevitable. Consider FTX: yes, the disgraced cryptocurrency exchange was a festering hive of fraud – but there's no way that fraud added up to the 23.6 quintillion dollars in claims that have been laid against it:

https://cdn.arstechnica.net/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/US-v-SBF-Alameda-Research-Victim-Impact-Statement-3-20-2024.pdf

Without 230, Big Tech will shut down anything controversial – and small tech will disappear. It's the worst of all possible worlds, a gift to tech monopolists and the bullies and crooks who have turned our online communities into shooting galleries.

One of the reasons I love working for EFF is our ability to propose technologically informed, sound policy solutions to the very real problems that tech creates, such as our work on interoperability as a way to make it easier for users to escape Big Tech:

https://www.eff.org/interoperablefacebook

Every year, EFF recognizes the best, bravest and brightest contributors to a better internet and a better technological future, with our annual EFF Awards. Nominations just opened for this year's awards – if you know someone who fits the bill, here's the form:

https://www.eff.org/nominations-open-2024-eff-awards

It's nearly time for me to sign off on this weekend's linkdump. For one thing, I have to vacate my backyard hammock, because we've got contractors who need to access the side of the house to install our brand new heat-pump (one of two things I'm purchasing with my last lump-sum book advance – the other is corrective cataract surgery that will give me lifelong, perfect vision).

I've been lusting after a heat-pump for years, and they just keep getting better – though you might not know it, thanks to the fossil-fuel industry disinfo campaign that insists that these unbelievably cool gadgets don't work. This week in Wired, Matt Simon offers a comprehensive debunking of this nonsense, and on the way, explains the nearly magical technology that allows a heat pump to heat a midwestern home in the dead of winter:

https://www.wired.com/story/myth-heat-pumps-cold-weather-freezing-subzero/

As heat pumps become more common, their applications will continue to proliferate. On Bloomberg, Feargus O'Sullivan describes one such application: the Japanese yokushitsu kansouki – a sealed bathroom with its own heat-pump that can perfectly dry all your clothes while you're out at work:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2024-05-22/laundry-lessons-from-japanese-bathroom-technology

This is amazing stuff – it uses less energy than a clothes-dryer, leaves your clothes wrinkle-free, prevents the rapid deterioration caused by high heat and mechanical agitation, and prevents the microfiber pollution that lowers our air-quality.

This is the most solarpunk thing I've read all week, and it makes me insanely jealous of Japanese people. The second-most solarpunk thing I've read this week came from The New Republic, where Aaron Regunberg and Donald Braman discuss the possibility of using civil asset forfeiture laws – lately expanded to farcical levels by the Supreme Court in Culley – to force the fossil fuel industry to pay for the energy transition:

https://newrepublic.com/article/181721/fossil-fuels-civil-forefeiture-pipeline-climate

They point out that the fossil fuel industry has committed a string of undisputed crimes, including fraud, and that the Supremes' new standard for asset forfeiture could comfortably accommodate state AGs and other enforcers who seek billions from Big Oil on this basis. Of course, Big Oil has more resources to fight civil asset forfeiture than the median disputant in these cases ("a low- or moderate-income person of color [with] a suspected connection to drugs"). But it's an exciting idea!

All right, the heat-pump guys really need me to vacate the hammock, so here's one last quickie for you: Barath Raghavan and Bruce Schneier's new paper, "Seeing Like a Data Structure":

https://www.belfercenter.org/publication/seeing-data-structure

This is a masterful riff on James C Scott's classic Seeing Like a State, and it describes how digitalization forces us into computable categories, and counts the real costs of doing so. It's a gnarly and thoughtful piece, and it's been on my mind continuously since Schneier sent it to me yesterday. Something suitably chewy for you to masticate over the long weekend!

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/05/25/anthology/#lol-no

[kittysarchive]

Yo! Soooo can you do txt reaction to reader doing the amazon position on them?

This is the same anonie who you thought was aussie.I am here to bother you again. Sincere apologies for being troublesome. 😅

Also! Heres my representative emoji thing you mentioned on blog : 🗿

Many thanks !

Don't be I love all your asks!!! Welcome fellow anon :)

Yeonjun

He is in heaven.

"Fuck...." Yeonjun groaned out, his hands squeezing the plush of your thighs as you knelt onto his member. Pushing his legs to his chest, you started to bounce.

Legs cramping, he begged you for more. He never knew having his legs pushed to his chest would result in such plesure.

Soobin

A little shy.

Feeling vulnerable as you pushed his legs to his chest, all went away as he felt you straddle his hips, placing yourself between his legs. Seeing how well you fit between his legs....how good you looked being on top of him for a change, he begged you to fuck him.

"Please..." He closed his eyes in pleasure, feeling how you engulfed his member.

Beomgyu

Not scared to try new things.

"like this?" He seeked out praise, pushing his legs to his chest. Ignoring his question, you went a different route.

"You look so cute" You teased, seeing how eager he was for you to fuck him. He loved being on display for you.

Taehyun

Being display for you, is what a lives for.

"My pretty boy" You hummed, getting in between his legs. pre cum leaked after hearing that.

"Push your you legs back" Doing as he was told, you positioned yourself between his legs, hands resting on his knees s you started to bounce.

Kai

Feels to good to complain.

"S-so good" He whined below you, gripping your ass as you bounced on him. With his legs pushed back, you not only felt closer to him but he was able to get deeper into you. Kai whished this would last forever, sadly he knew he was about to burst any second.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 13- Dear Emily and Richard-Part 2

Lorelai receives a call at the inn from some old fogey who wants them to host his retirement party, but he can't settle on a theme for the party. Michel, much like Jess moments earlier, is triggered by a minor work inconvenience and unveils a detailed plot to first hobble his knees then bury the man alive in what is turning out to be a dark, dark timeline. And we haven't even gotten to Crusty yet. It's a pre Halloween horror fest!

Lane is just hanging out at the inn for some unknown reason, helping Lorelai make decorations? And listening to Michel's gruesome murder plans and not saying a word. Meanwhile Lorelai has sent Rory on a mission to fetch Dean. Oh, here they are now!

Get it? It's a Big Red Flag! Teehee! Rory shows up with an invitation to Creepy Sherry's Scheduled C Section Extravaganza.

February 7th! Hey, that's my birthday! Welcome to this cruel cruel world, Gigi, my fellow Aquarius. Your mother is Absent Sherry and your father is Absent Crusty and Rory is your Completely Uninterested Absent Sister. Oh boy are you fucked! Good luck!

*SIGH* *opens Googs* Laura Mercier is apparently a brand of makeup. It still exists today, and now that I've made the connection, it does sound vaguely familiar. Demerol is a painkiller.

Yah, that's the spirit, Rory. Much enthusiasm. Gigi would be 21 this year. Maybe Gigi also pulled a Jess, booked a good therapist in her late teens, threw off the shackles of her childhood trauma, and made millions with some kind of art at a young age so she could shrug "She's sort of my sister" about Rory while rolling around on a waterbed covered with 8 million dollars. Jess:"Rory is sort of my cousin."

Crossing off "Delicious Looking Fake Food" and "Millennial Pop Culture Reference" From my Bingo Card. Actually, we have a rapid fire 4x MCPR (Millennial Pop Culture Reference) blitz in under a minute. As always, there is likely some underlying context to these jokes that are going over my head so feel free to correct me. Let's go girls. Beanie babies-#1.

Oh stop, Lorelai. We know Rory doesn't do anything to earn money.

MCPR #2. Adrian Zmed is (was?) an actor and she is implying that he'll "do ridiculous things for money, including his whole career" which I don't get because he had just won a crapton of Oscars that year for The Pianist. Did she mean "Milo Ventimiglia"?

MCPR #3. I'm counting "another reference to a time when Amazon was only selling books" as a MPCR (Millennial Pop Culture Reference). Turns out the boxes were filled with a bunch of travel books from Emily.

MPCR #4. Paris and Nicky Hilton. The Simple Life had just come out that year. So is the joke is that like Emily & RIchard, Paris and Nicky Hilton are also Rich People Who Go To Europe? That's about where the similarities end as far as I'm concerned. Meh. I'm saying that AmyShermanPalladino could have come up with a better pair of Rich Snoots to compare E&R to. Boo! Write better jokes! Anyway, as L&R are perusing the travel books from the 80's, Lorelai starts to reminisce about her childhood while I go take a nap.

SUCH bad casting. Bleh.

Heh heh.

The big problem with Teen Crusty's actor is that besides the physical resemblance to David Sutcliffe being phoned in long distance, this geek is way too sincere and not nearly slimy enough to make me believe he's a Young Crusty/Sutcliffe. He's not some devil may care walking red flag wrecking Porsches on purpose and impregnating dopey girls on freezing cold balconies. Boo! Bad casting! BOO! He looks and sounds like he's late for a meeting to preside over the algebra club. As for the actress playing Lorelai, B for effort. She's trying. It's just that no one is really going to pull it off. You're not going to get some random young bubbly brunette actress to fill Lauren Graham's shoes and call it a day. Big shoes to fill, in my opinion. Young Crusty is shown to be the one who has to convince Lorelai to break off the shackles of rich people prison, ditch college, give a big middle finger to their parents, and run away to Europe. The only time he's shown some kind of initiative or vision for his life is when he was 16. Perhaps Lorelai is having some kind of false memory here.

They said the name of the episode in the episode, time to cross off another space on the ol Bingo Board. Cutting back to Reality, reading Rich People travel guides has made Lorelai dreamy about traveling like a rich person now, and she no longer wishes to explore Europe living like a squirrel, so hoity toity hotels it is. But she has no money. Womp womp. Cut to Chilton where Madelyn and Louise are needling Rory about Paris' boyfriend Jamie. Then another meeting of the ol Franklin. You know what that means. Time to skip skip skip to my loo!

I'll just assume "Paris and Rory sexual tension" occurs and knock that one off my bingo board too. During said sexually tense school newspaper meeting, Rory gets a call on her ancient cellphone from Creepy Sherry's work colleague to inform her that Sherry went into a labor a week ahead of her planned c section. This ride or die friend repeatedly calls Sherry's slightly early natural labor "a screw up". Creepy Sherry's psychopath colleague wants Rory to leave school, find transportation and accompany her father's girlfriend that she barely knows during her childbirth at a hospital miles away from her home.

Come on Rory. Say no to somebody's completely ridiculous, unrealistic, borderline psychopathic demands. I believe in you. You can do this...

As as personal aside, Rory accompanying Creepy Sherry during labor was one of those things I became convinced was a false memory in the long time periods between rewatches. I was certain I had dreamed it and it never really happened. This happened with a few scenes tbh. When that happens, I feel a slight sense of self-vindication. See, me? You were right me!

[inconspicious-random-thoughts]

How do you think Alastor will react to the realization that it is actually possible for Sinners to be redeemed if and/or when word of Pentious's ascension gets back to the Hotel? He seemed sincere in his desire to watch demons struggle and fail to better themselves when he first hired himself into the position of facility manager, but since S1 it seems more likely he's really only there to get his hooks into Charlie and doesn't actually care if the Hotel succeeds or fails as long as he gets what he wants out of the princess.

"The world's a stage, and a stage is a world of entertainment" -Alastor

Hello my pal,

Pilot Alastor does seem more motivated by his whims and wanting entertainment. (I mean, if you have to all eternity...Things get mundane...) But with Amazon picking up the show, he clearly has more motives beside being at the hotel for funsies. I'm sure, he always meant to have a lot of plot around him before Amazon but we actually get content and episodes to feed us.

Side note: I love both versions of Alastor. But I like pilot slightly more. I think his voice is more fitting for the transatlantic radio host voice (no offence of the current one at all. He doing great and probably done a better job on delivery...I mean that Fuck you was perfect.) Also, I really miss Alastor boots/hoofs click clacking around the hotel when he walked. I wish they kept that sound effect.

I think his reaction would really depend on who he contracted to and what his real hidden objective is with the hotel. Like...is he chained to Lilith and he not there for the hotel but to protect and help Charlie?

Or is he there to make sure the hotel fails to prevent an uprising, and forcing Heavens hand?

Is he placed there to get close and keep on eye on things and trick Charlie?

Is he there to make sure it succeeds so Heaven foundations begin to crumble and plants seeds of doubt amongst other things.

Overall, I think Alastor believe redemption was a loss cause. Even, if he was told my his contractor that it was possible he always doubted it. He made his point in the pilot. Paraphrase: Sinners are past redemption. Their chance was the life they lived before, the punishment of their actions is Hell. I think Alastor truly believes that. Or at least wants it to be that way. We know Alastor was a serial killer with a weird moral code and killed people who deserved it. I think Alastor would hate the idea that his victims has a chance for a place in Heaven if he hadn't double dead them already. Alastor knows how terrible people can be...hes one of them. I think the idea sinners like him having a chance to share a space with his mother in heaven puts a foul taste in his mouth.

So when its proven Redemption is possible. I think he will be quite stunned and shocked. He'll act ecstatic for show and probably his generally happy for Charlie achieving her dream. But depending the reason why he there and how he owns him, he going to be strongly conflicted.

Possible panic/nervous if he failed his objective and had to deal with the person who owns his soul, as they will be very displeased with him because of that fact. Perhaps worried, because it furthers his master's objective *CoughCough Roo CoughCough* Which is something he personally against, but doesnt have a say in the matter. Or maybe he just painfully conflicted as he knows the playing field is nearly completed on being set up and the time to betray Charlie and the others is rapidly approaching. -He grew attached to them and he faltering on the idea to betray (destroy?) them. Panics as years of planning and effort to fulfilling his masters objective that would release him from his deal once completed...only to hesitate because of some fond feelings for naive weaklings? Afraid to incur his master wrath and lost of freedom if he failed because he was swayed by his pathetic feelings. Or maybe hes excited because his part of the deal is over...but still feel conflicted as it would place the hotel and its people in a bad and dangerous position.

This is why Alastor is such a fun character. He a wild card. He can go in any direction...Hell, he can go in all directions. He can rationally plan and think one way, his feelings going screw that and head in another direction, fulfilling his obligations as overlord and hotelier in another direction, and his chained soul can just flip off all the former force them to go in the direction directed by the master holding the chain.

I believe despite Alastor disbelieving in redemption in the beginning, or maybe slightly oppose it. He is slowly warming up (but still not even room temperature) to the idea as his fondness grows to the residents of the hotel. He observes how the residence became better. How some (Angel) gone through enough in Hell that perhaps his sins he committed in his short life has been overpaid. Eternity is long and can be harsh...as some sinners may already sin once to be damned for all of eternity.

[sgiandubh]

Despair, much?

When you think you are a clever mole, but you end up telling more than you intended about yourself.

The receiver of this pearl of great price is not important at all. But I positively howled reading this supposedly accurate report from the trenches:

Oh. Extending your collective obsession to this humble Tumblr abode, right?

Living rent free in overdriven, but candid minds never felt better, I have to say. Also, it would seem the coin finally dropped, as far as being new (no more Puffy shit? dommage, I was starting to get used to your repertoire) and there's progress on the 'well written' scale (sincerely fuck off, on this one).

You can stick your manipulation assumptions wherever brings you joy, duckie. Your logic doesn't hold: if I wanted to manipulate people, I'd curate more carefully those deduction skills that sometimes fail me (shrubbery, anyone?). And I'd definitely brush up my Svengali skit in a more convincing fashion.

And then you said something that compelled me to pay attention to your rant and chime in: 'power does things to people'.

Honey, unlike you, I know real power. I know what it is, I know how it's done, I know how it's bartered. I also know, first-hand, how it changes people for their worst ever impersonation and how it instantly vanishes forcing them to make endless amends to friends whenever they lose it.

I know power so well, I don't even own a TV, in Athens. I resolutely refuse to do so and am very happy with my laptop and my Netflix and Amazon subscriptions. I live and breathe power for at least ten hours every day, have done so for twenty years already and I have no need to drag it upstairs from my office, to my flat.

If I wanted power, I'd only have to go down to the Embassy's first floor, exactly twelve steps below the very place I am writing this post from. I wouldn't look for it on Tumblr, discussing the SC shenanigans with what you call 'gullible' comrades (this is not the Army) and who are, in reality, wonderful new friends.

I already knew you were ridiculous. Now I also know you are desperate for the attention you are never going to get. Trust me.

Oh, and: good luck with emptily asking yourselves about the shit I know and do not share. That's what's gnawing at you every single second and well, too bad.

[drunkenskunk]

Welcome to another Drunk Skunk™ rant!

So.

I've had some time to sit and stew on the Fallout show, and I think I've finally figured out exactly what I want to say. Because kids? I got Opinions�� about this fucking series. I sincerely wish I didn't have all these Opinions™, because that would almost certainly cause me significantly less stress.

But here we are.

The Fallout show annoys me, but not for the reasons you think.

Let's get the good out of the way first. And by "good" I mean "damning with faint praise."

The Fallout show, as a piece of entertainment and experienced in a vacuum with no prior knowledge or context of the rest of the series or any of the other video games, is... fine. It's an entertaining television show. It's not great, but it's not terrible. It's okay.

The best part of the show is, unquestionably, Walton Goggins. Which is probably the coldest take here, everyone agrees that he's fantastic in this. And it's true! Granted, he doesn't look nearly as gnarly as he should, as the makeup is really giving Ryan Reynolds Deadpool Hugo Weaving Red Skull vibes, but I can honestly give that a pass. He steals every single scene he's in. He has all the best lines. Plus, all the pre-war flashbacks with him are excellent. That first scene when the bombs drop is fucking harrowing.

SPEAKING OF THE BOMBS!

The big reveal that Vault Tec were the ones to kickstart the apocalypse. My initial gut reaction to that was... Not Great. I didn't like it. In fact, I kinda hated it. I thought it was an answer to a question that nobody asked, because nobody cared, because it was never supposed to matter who shot first. The original point was that the end of the world was the inevitable outcome after so many years of war, so many years of stockpiling nuclear weapons, and so many bad decisions from everyone in positions of power on all sides of the conflict.

But the more I think about Vault Tec being the ones to destroy the world... I dunno, the more I... kinda like it? In a fashion. Sort of. As you can see by the remaining length of this fucking rant, I have Complicated Feelings about this!

See, Fallout has never exactly been subtle with its themes, but the show drops all pretense, and openly embraces a staunchly (and honestly, extremely surprising) anti-capitalist narrative.

The Fallout show pulls a Garth Marenghi unironically, and it honestly... kinda works?

Vault Tec were the ones to drop the bombs because they wanted to recreate the world in their image of a capitalist "paradise" free of any and all government regulation. The inevitable end result of the "great game" of capitalism is the literal end of the world, and the capitalists will do everything they can to destroy any attempts to rebuild any civilization not explicitly under their direct control. Because that's what capitalists do: they pursue an ultimately self-destructive goal that is not, and never was, sustainable, and will destroy everything else in their pursuit of endless, infinite, exponential growth, forever. Nothing else matters except Make Number Line Go Up.

Side note: it is extremely funny to me that Bethesda - a hollow shell of greed and excess who have been releasing the same game with different wallpapers over and over again since Oblivion - and Amazon - which is fucking Amazon - bankrolled a show where the villains are greedy capitalists who explicitly destroyed the world because of fiduciary duty to the shareholders. Like... guys, you do realize you two are Vault Tec in this scenario, right?

Ah well. That's capitalist realism for ya.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes that Vault Tec were the ones to drop the bombs.

HOWEVER.

Maybe this is just me being a cynical, drunken asshole here, but... it feels like this was a decision that was made, not because it was the best way to take the narrative, but instead as a means of enforcing the Status Quo of Bethesda Fallout.

See, the thing I liked about the west coast Fallout games was that it showed a world ravaged by the apocalypse, but it also showed that world beginning to heal. 200 years after The End, and civilization was returning. It was a natural evolution of things, emphasizing the post part of "post-apocalypse." It showed us a world that really sucked a lot of the time... but also gave us a small sliver of hope that, no matter what nightmares existed after The End, things could - and would - get better, so long as we put in the work to make it better. It was a world that showed us that nothing was ever so broken that it couldn't be repaired. We just had to fucking EARN that happy ending.

Bethesda Fallout, on the other hand, is just Wacky Wasteland Adventure Time. They are not interested in showing a world evolving or changing or growing, they just want a blasted hellscape that looks like it was freshly nuked yesterday. Why? Because that's the surface-level Aesthetic of Fallout. That is what is recognizable. And Aesthetic is all they know how to do. That's the mother fucking Brand.

Doing something different would risk changing the Brand, and if that kind of change happens, then it's no longer easily marketable. So they just keep with what's familiar: freshly irradiated hellscapes, caps as currency, makeshift weapons, psychotic raiders with no purpose or goals beyond Fuck You, and more of the fucking Brotherhood of Steel. It's all the stuff we remember, so we can point at the screen and go "I recognize that!" instead of allowing the setting to evolve and creating something new.

And that's what annoys me the most. Because even though Vault Tec destroying the world in 2077 makes a certain amount of sense, it also feels like it only exists as a means of artificially enforcing the status quo of the setting. Which means that nothing will ever matter in Fallout ever again. It doesn't matter what happens, or what changes in the future, or who wins the next ideological conflict between the same factions that keep reappearing over and over again like radroaches. Because whenever something strays too far from the established setting, Vault Tec (or, more accurately, Bethesda) is just going to nuke it again, like what happened to Shady Sands.

And, y'know, Shady Sands getting nuked like that really does rankle. Not because I ever had any attachment to the NCR, but because destroying it in the way that they did just felt so fucking lazy. If they wanted to get rid of the NCR, there were easily half a dozen other things they could've done that would've made far more sense. The NCR was a fantastically corrupt government, making the same mistakes as the same governments that (up until the show) were responsible for destroying the world. California was running out of food and clean drinking water because of gross negligence and mismanagement, public unrest was high because of excessive taxation and the "stop tolls" of corrupt border guards shaking down people, and both the military and bureaucracy of the NCR was spread fucking paper-thin, due to their policies of violent imperialist expansionism trying to take far more territory than they could reasonably hold, far more quickly than they could ever manage.

And did any of that matter? No. Not at all. Pursuing any of those plot threads would've required the writers to actually come up with some new ideas. So, instead, it was destroyed because of a cryogenically frozen Vault Tec middle manager with family problems. It was such a fucking lazy solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place. It felt like the Fallout equivalent of "Somehow, Palpatine has returned."

That's why this show annoys me so much. Because this show that exists without subtlety or subtext, is telling us, to our face:

Don't hope for a better future, because it will never come. The world of Fallout is a destroyed, irradiated hellscape, entirely devoid of hope, and it will never, ever change, ever again.

Because that's the Fallout Brand, and that's what fucking sells.

[cottoncandy1322]

Dragons Rising, Season 2 Part 2 got leaked and I watched the episodes!! Here are my thoughts!

SPOILER WARNING; SPOILERS AHEAD!

So, first off, I'm actually a little upset that there was no Cole vs Jay battle in the tournament. However, I hold hope for the future! Taking into consideration that Jay was barely featured in the season even as a whole when he used to be the only ninja that appeared in every episode of Ninjago, I am lead to believe that something big is being planned for him. I am sincerely hoping there will be angst moments between Jay and Cole, as they have been each others #1 best friend for so long and they care for each other so deeply. I mean, if my best friend of so many fucking years suddenly turned evil like that, how could I not be devastated? There is no way he wouldn't be doing everything in his power to get his best friend back.

As I write this, a new headcanon has formed! Cole is denial of the Jay situation despite being there to witness it. I also think it would be fun if they showed him being more upset and angry over it in season 3. I love angst if you couldn't tell by now. XD

Alright, now second thing! I feel like the tournament was a bit rushed? Like, the competitions and battling felt lacking and rather short. I think it would've done better for it to have lasted an entire season, maybe? The investigation with Arin felt short to me as well. I don't know, it just felt rushed, short, and lacking to me.

Third thing! I actually have a bit of a theory regarding Wu and the fact that he caused the merge! What if as a result of causing the merge, he was split into multiple fragments? You know, like those glowing spheres that seem to be a part of “him”. And since there are sixteen realms, he could be split into sixteen parts? Since so far, there's only been a couple of these parts that have been reunited from what I can tell. But that's just a theory...a NINJAGO THEORY!!

I might go and rewatch the episodes to gather a better understanding of everything that occured, since I was sorta watched it while I had a headache.

On a very different note, I am extremely excited about the new Amazon Prime original Batman series that premiered today!! So expect to possibly see a post or a few about that alongside Ninjago stuff!!

[trashcanwithsprinkles]

hii! i am in love with your works. i've read itysg(ainly) several times and cyanide twice T.T you deserve all the love, you've become one of my top 3 comfort authors <3

i have a quick question. do you have a compilation of your abyss lore somewhere? like how you can't cry in the abyss because the salt attracts the enemies (i sincerely hope that is from you and i'm not confusing it with someone else's T.T) uhh, cause i intend to base my research on it :) no issue tho if not

oh! no i don't think i have it anywhere, but it's no trouble to me to just- dump it all here, so-

i'll leave it under the cut, but tysm!! good luck writing and obviously feel free to tweak and change stuff to better fit whatever you're going for!

ok so- this is going to be about canon-genshin's abyss. the only difference between that one and cyanide's abyss is a lack of rhinedottir creatures, so.

landscape

i've always been torn between if the abyss is like- just a small area, like within a huge cave; or if it's its own entire realm altogether. like a whole other world, with its own continents and all that. it feels so limiting to make it only a cave, but it also feels a bit too strange to make it just- mirror teyvat. idk anyway,

under the assumption that it's not as big as teyvat but larger than just a cave, we could look at it like one large landmass surrounded by ocean

the moon spire is off one of the coasts, around the rainforest area

the easiest way to think about it is probably like minecraft's nether. like the overworld is all open sky and lots of biomes while the nether is all claustrophobic and with only a handful of biomes

i think it'd be cool if it's rainforest and badlands/savanna/desert. but not like sumeru- to me sumeru's rainforest is very much like the jungle in madagascar and the desert is like the sandbanks in africa. i think the abyss could be more like the amazon's rainforest, tighter, a lot less giant fantastical trees and more- 'where the fuck am i, i can hardly see thru the vegetation' sort of place. and the desert more like the usa's stereotypical cacti and tumbleweed all dry land and rocky cliffs.

since irminsul's roots have to be down there and i think the abyss is whacky enough to meld with whatever dimension irminsul resides in, then i think we could literally have massive petrified roots in the middle of the continent. like just- sprouting out of the ground and making this gigantic thing that you could theoretically see from everywhere if it wasn't so fucking dark. in cyanide here would be where the primordial one would've been sealed to in the original abyss, right in the center.

the rainforest area would be full of winding, impossibly deep rivers- like all of them deep like the mariana trench. wet mist hollows and just- general amazon rainforest inconveniences. if you've ever been there you know what i mean. i think it'd be even more fucked up if it doesn't rain, though.

the desert part would be a death sentence, hence why skirk sticks to the rainforest most times, esp while with childe

the area with irminsul's roots would be like a giant haunted forest/cave system, full of the only sources of natural light down there (some glowing moss and insects)

climate

damp and wet-feeling but it's not water, it's abyssal miasma. like it all feels like a sauna. the temperatures would go from uncomfortably kinda-hot in the day to fucking freezing at nigth.

the rainforest feels even wetter but again, not water. everytime you breathe it feels like you have to force your lungs to take in the air. again, if you've ever been to a jungle or rainforest, you know what i mean.

the desert parts would be unbearably hot, but the heat would come from the ground itself, so you'd feel feverish the entire time - it'd be cool if the sands were obnoxiously red from high iron oxides to make it even worse. the more bearable places would be up on the rock cliffs and outcrops, but since they're the more livable places, that means most of the creatures are also up there. speaking of,

creatures

the rifthounds are in the higher areas of the rainforest, almost a tundra, bordering the roots, where the wolflord has its lair and territory. not edible bc they contain aluminum and other not-safe-for-humans metals, and also there's hardly any meat in them lmao.

the giant clay worm(s) lives underground in the lowland rainforest and nobody has really seen it, so it's a non-issue. it's massive, and the reason why the marshlands on a different side of the rainforest exist. i think it'd be interesting if nobody knew whether it's one giant one or multiple giants. also this would be the cause of quakes in the abyss, it's just whenever the thing moves there would be a tremble in the ground

steelclaw harpies are out in the rocky outcrops of the dessert, hence why you'd be forced to walk the superheated base ground instead of going up. if you've ever seen a harpy eagle, just think that but like- the size of a person, and a bit more dinosaur-esque.

the glass rain whale. kinda like the giant clay worm in that hardly anyone sees it, only when it rains glass over the sea (not the land) you can see it come out of the ocean and fly around. the meagre light of the moon makes it seem almost transluscent, like a ghost whale. it couldn't be the all-devouring narwhal bc it wouldn't make sense lore-wise, but it could be similar-looking.

pillar rats are- well, giant rats that live in the canyons and desert. they call them pillar rats because they climb up sheer cliffaces like it's nothing. also they can scratch through pretty much anything, and have very thick hides, so if you need warm clothes that's what you want to hunt

stonetusk hogs are the easiest animal to catch in the rainforest marshlands, but the meat isn't all that tasty. they're blind, like most other creatures. not that big. like- fucked up versions of genshin's boars.

praying goliaths are giant mantis-like mutant bugs that live in the rainforest. they're big big, like twice the size of a person big, and they're best avoided. you can tell where one passed through by the path of cut down vegetation they leave behind as they move, using their front legs as sharp scythes.

canyon rhinos live in both the canyons and the fog hollows. they're practically bulletproof, fuck-off ugly, and very dangerous. blind from overuse of moping ferns (that grow in the hollows) to hide the salt in their eyes. good food if you can catch them

wraith butterflies are around the water deposits and clay banks of the rainforest and always in the hunt for salt. they have sharp legs to perch on hosts and poisonous powder between their wings. yes they're the ones that make crying a bad idea.

stalkwalkers are the kings of the fog hollows and the reason why you don't go there if you're smart. i have mentioned plenty that they're physically inspired by made in abyss' turbinid-dragon (ryuuzazai?). basically a giant six-legged giraffe/seahorse looking thing. the stalkwalkers would have retractable harpoon-like stalks (stillettos) that they use to walk through the forest and to hunt. massive and blind, see through echolocation.

misc

the concentration of abyssal miasma would be a lot more forgiving around irminsul's roots. basically everything is just better around irminsul's roots, but because it's so nice there, most creatures also go there, so no. the wolflord has set up camp nearby also.

it's dark. like there's no light besides the lackustre light of the moon and the glowing moss in irminsul's roots, so all creatures see through either abyssal miasmic sight or a form of echolocation.

you can't plant foreign crops, the soil won't accept it

most root vegetables aren't safe to eat. rooties are though

there's bugs that fuck with your sleep cycles to weaken you

the sand is black

there's almost no fish in the ocean, so it's not worth it to stay on the shores

it's also not worth it to stay generally uncovered from the moon's light bc it has a weird-ass radiation, like the sun.

i think that's all i had? there's probably some bits and pieces of other things about how the abyss filters the miasma and how all creatures evolved to use it since it's the only available energy down there, but i think that's been repeated enough in the fics hahah

anyway yeah! hope that's what you meant. if not oh well, it was probably about time i compiled it all,,

[whole-bunch-of-hcs]

Sub!Doug Remer HCs

Happy Sunday and happy Mother's Day! By the time you read this neither thing will be true but it's true for me right now as I write this so whatever. Anyway I'm horny for the South Park guys again so... enjoy some thoughts about Doug Remer being subby.

Bratty. Will promise to be good knowing full well he's gonna make it hard for you every step of the way.

Mouths off and makes demands constantly. It's almost like he thinks he's in charge.

Gets off on you reminding him he's not. Finds it so hot when you put him back in his place.

When he's in his subbier mood he wants you to pull on his hair. Use it like a handle to fuck/ride his face.

Likes it a little rougher. If you leave a mark of any kind he will try to make sure it's visible. All this to say, bite him. Everywhere.

Loves giving or receiving oral and during his subby moods he wants you to hold him down and take what you want from him. Pin his hips to the mattress while you suck him off. Sit on his face or hold him down on your crotch. He'll make it worth your while.

Hell, just seeing him enjoy it so damn much is almost enough on its own

Usually when he's eating you out/sucking you off he wants to be on his knees and/or above you while you lay down so he has a little more control but at his subbiest he wants you to ride his face into the mattress or fuck his throat like a fleshlight.

Calls you some kind of subservient pet name (sir/ma'am/princess/master/etc) except he's such a smartass and so unserious that it sounds sarcastic. Will absolutely be down with you not letting him get off until it sounds sincere enough.

Into edging/teasing more than overstim but either is fine by him. He wants to be an incoherent, sticky, babbling mess by the end of it

Super hard to make him cry but a hard enough tug on those curls or the fourth denied orgasm will do it for sure. He finds it cathartic so sometimes he'll quite literally ask for it and others he'll just push you further and further until he's metaphorically asking for it.

Amazon position. That's it that's all goodbye

Begs and whimpers. So pretty while he does too.

Likes to be held/pinned down, (lightly) tied up, handcuffed etc. Also owns a spreader bar.

When he's far gone enough, like almost totally in subspace or VERY exhausted, legs trembling and eyes watering, he becomes super needy and pliable. He'll beg you to touch him, even non-sexually, he'll do anything just please, closer, come closer, fucking fuse your skin to him just fuck he needs you so bad-

Remer giggles a lot during sex and won't get serious until he is seriously on the edge or in subspace

Doesn't get the appeal or see the point in sucking a strap-on but you can get him to do it if he's feeling subby and you tell him he looks good on his knees. He does get putting on a show for you.

Speaking of strap-ons, he WILL get pegged happily. Or fingered even. Hell, he'll finger HIMSELF while you watch if you want so maybe you'll fuck him. If you have an actual dick that works too. Just fuck him!!

Very sensitive nipples. Touch those at the right time and he will instantly cum. He can cum from just nipple play if you're good enough.

He can also lactate on command so do with that what you will. (That's probably related to their sensitivity somehow)

Finds it so hot to be called some lightly degrading names. Damn right he's your slut, now treat him like it

Has worn lingerie for you before. He thought it'd be funny but then you seemed into it so he keeps the thought on a back-burner in his head, always wondering when to do it again.

[grigori77]

So, about Critical Role’s statement on the new WOTC OGL ...

I know, I know, it LOOKS LIKE they’re trying to hedge their bets, that they’re trying to appease the evil empire (WOTC) while also trying not to alienate their fans, and perhaps there’s even a fraction of truth in this point, but ... REMEMBER FOLKS, THESE GUYS ARE NOT JUST A BUNCH OF FRIENDS PLAYING A FRIENDLY GAME OF D&D ANYMORE.  They’ve built up a real business based around what they’ve been doing, and this is something they need to protect.  If it was just about THEM, about the game and the webcast at Geek & Sundry, you know they’d cut ties in a heartbeat, going back to using Pathfinder like they started out with before the release of 5E.  But there’s so much more to it for them now.

They’ve got The Legend of Vox Machina on Amazon (there’s a reason there are subtle differences between what’s happening in the show, from powers to races to the names of the gods themselves, compared to the original Campaign 1 liveplay, and thwat’s so they can get around the copyright issues in order to make the series IN THE FIRST PLACE).  They’ve got all of the offshoot merchandise, which people have to make, and a series of tie-in expansion books and games - sure, some of them have been published by Darrington Press, but there are others which were specifically made by WOTC themselves, which means their contents are trapped FRONT AND CENTRE under the conditions of the new OGL).  MOST OF ALL, though, they’ve got the show itself, hell, they’ve got the ENTIRE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY of Critical Role itself, which isn’t just run by them - they employ HUNDREDS OF OTHER PEOPLE, from their crew to evrybody working on the periphery, right down to all the jobs that were created just to help them make and distribute their tie-in games and merchandise.  That’s a hell of a consideration.

If they piss off WOTC by coming right out and saying what I’m sure they REALLY WANT TO about this, that could put them in a really bad position given that D&D Byond is one of their major sponsors, they’re using the 5E platform and intelectual materials to put this together in the first place, and some key parts of their own material are now, thanks to this new OGL, technically THE INTELECTUAL PROPERTY of WOTC now too.  They can’t just drop D&D Beyond as a sponsor and wash their hands, they’re pretty STUCK right now.

So yeah, they’re being cautious about what they’re actually saying here, so it sounds like they’re trying to appease BOTH SIDES of the argument.  Because they REALLY ARE.  They have NO CHOICE.  It’s clear enough if you actually PAY ATTENTION and read between the lines here that what they’re saying to WOTC is purely to put them at ease, there’s birtually no real SINCERITY in their words, but when they’re talking to the community at large, the ones who are being GENUINELY HURT by this new situation, they’re thoroughly commiserating with them, entirely trying to prop them up, their sincerity HERE is COMPLETELY REAL.  They love us, they’ve made it abundently clear OVER AND OVER AGAIN already, and they don’t want to fuck us over about this.

Look at it this way - look at this in eighteen or so months’ time, when the current campaign comes to an end and they have cart blanche to do whatever they want when it comes to Campaign 4.  If you ask me, they’ll jump ship entirely, go to one of the other gameplay systems or even create their own (they might even do it SOONER if Matt can come up with something himself while Campaign 3′s still happening), and when they come back to Exandria (or maybe even a completely new setting, which I think MIGHT BE more likely, even if it does mean saying goodbye to the possibility of tying in with the previous campaigns going forward) there will be some MAJOR SHAKE-UPS where they no longer have to pay ANY lip-service at all to WOTC’s properties.  Hell, if there’s any way they can use a little legal grease to try and wrangle Exandria and Stuff out from under WOTC’s grip while they’re at it I’ve no doubt they’ll try, although I’m a good deal LESS confident about THAT.

Just remember, these guys are on OUR SIDE.  They’re in a really impossible situation right now, and they have NO IDEA how this is actually going to turn out so they are JUST AS SCARED AS US right now, but they’ve got A WHOLE LOT to lose if it all goes proper south on ‘em.  So just think about THAT before you start badmouthing Matt, Marisha, Travis, Laura, Ashley, Taliesin, Liam and Sam about trying to play the middle or delivering a “milquetoast” statement.  This really is THE BEST they can do right now ...

[onwiththestories]

Snippet of WKM: The Egos chapter 4

I trudged up the stairs to my apartment after I’d waved goodbye to Sandra, but stopped when I found several small boxes on my doorstep. They looked like they were from Amazon and were all addressed to ‘Ms. Echo’. I didn’t like being called Miss, Ms., Ma’am, or lady, but I squinted and let this one slide. There were two small boxes, about the size of cell phone packaging, and one larger one that looked like it might hold a laptop. A note was hidden between the big box and my doormat that read:

“Dear Ms. Echo,

I’ve heard from a friend of yours that you don’t have many electronics, so I thought I’d chip in. Especially for a new recruit to the Superhero Program, these will come in handy. Don’t worry, the phone and laptop come to you direct from a department in the Unit, and they’ll handle the bills. They’re top of the line, and not really supposed to be available to the public, but I won’t tell if you don’t. The third box is a bioscanner, which should help you figure out if you’ve got more powers than the teleportation and resurrection.

Yours sincerely,

Adam.”

‘Well, that’s a thing that happened’, I thought, mulling over the letter as I let myself into my apartment with new toys in tow.

The house was exactly as I’d left it. After taking off my shoes and four-day-old clothes, and taking a very long shower, I dressed in navy sweatpants and a purple tank top and plonked myself down on my futon couch and set to checking out my new devices. The phone looked like any other smartphone, but it didn’t have a brand anywhere and was already set up in my name with a single contact: Adam. It came complete with charger and ‘terabyte micro sd card’, whatever that was. I spent a few moments personalizing it and seeing what I could do with it before getting bored and checking out the bioscanner. The instructions said I needed to give myself a shot with a syringe that came with it, then put a droplet of blood on the scanner’s detector strip. Fuck that. Massively fuck that.

Here's a bit of chapter 4, it's up on Ao3 if you want to read!

[missallanea-archive]

that's right, it's the return of the ever stupid, not-so-brief, utterly useless guide to the many, many muses on this blog:

UPDATED VERSION ( 10/07/23 )

AGNES DRACHINA REUBEN. first born daughter of the royal house of drachium. powerful sorceress who made a name for herself during the dragon campaign. a mischevious young woman with a penchant for drinking and getting into trouble.

AMITY BLIGHT. youngest daughter of the blight family. a young witch in training with a particular gift for abomination magic. former mean girl who is reconnecting with her softer side. a ride or die friend who will absolutely fight for you.

ASHIOK. a powerful planeswalker of mysterious origin. their face seems to be slowly disappearing into a thick black mist that follows them. manipulates the nightmares of powerful individuals they find during their travels. not necessarily a villain, but certainly no hero.

BABYDOLL. institutionalized against her will. sweet girl but will not hesitate to end you if you're a creep. sincerely wishes to empower the other women around her. slowly losing herself to fantasy in order to escape from her unpleasant reality.

CAMERON "CAMMIE" MACCLOUD. a self-proclaimed "hacktivist" recruited into the military. now part of the experimental science unit, piloting a four story mech called a holon through gen:lock, which uploads her own mind into the robot. scottish, sassy, and a giant nerd.

CATIANA FREESPARK. swashbuckler rogue turned storm cleric. she's confused about how that happened too. died fairly recently, but she got better. will steal your shit. highkey feels like the divorce baby between procan and umberlee. 

CHROME DOKURO. a powerful illusionist currently in the employ of the vongola mafia family. occasionally shares her body with the criminal mukuro rokudo. learning to stand on her own two feet. a bit of a strange girl, but sweet and undyingly loyal.

EDALYN "EDA" CLAWTHORNE. the owl lady and most powerful witch on the boiling isles... or she was, before her curse took away her powers. occasionally turns into a large owl-like beast. keeps accidentally adopting kids but hey, guess she's a mom now. acts tough but actually a big softie.

FISH EYE. a fish given human form. yes, really. in search of a beautiful dream. performs as part of a circus troupe known as the amazon trio. really just wants to have a beautiful dream of his own and to live life as a human for as long as possible.

FREYA. the once queen of asgard and leader of the valkyries. reclaimed her warrior spirit and found her wings. seeking to reunite and repair the realms following ragnarök. not a woman to scorn, or she will burn you to the ground and salt the earth behind her.

IMELDA RIVERA. matriarch of the rivera family. turned to shoemaking to make money for herself and her daughter after her husband disappeared. continues to look after her family from the land of the remembered.

KAGAMI TSURUGI. a recent transplant to paris from japan. loves fencing and being right. she can be a bit cold upon first meeting but she's actually just very bad at making friends. if you take the time to get to know her, she is fiercely loyal and dedicated and will fight for you.

LA MUERTE. the sugary sweet ruler of the land of the remembered. has a nasty gambling habit which tends to get her and her husband into trouble. she is benevolent, but will not hesitate to tell you what she really thinks. friendly, but still a goddess. handle with caution.

LIAN NICHANG. the white haired demoness. lives alone on a mountain. really only comes down to get rid of people who are harassing the village at the base of the mountain that leaves her the fuck alone. master swordsman. not actually a witch or a demon, no matter what people call her. 

LILITH CLAWTHORNE. once the head witch of the emperor's coven, now at half-power and trying to sort her life out. cursed her sister out of spite and paid the price. might come across as a haughty bitch, but she's really just a massive nerd doing her best.

LUNA. magical moon cat. has a crescent moon bald spot on her forehead. trying to keep the protectors of the universe on track but they're just teenage girls so it goes about as well as you would expect. really tired of being the voice of reason but this is what she signed up for. 

LUNASOL GALANODEL. honestly, the worst. burned down her abusive childhood home with her twin brother. basically sold her soul to the queen of air and darkness. pretends to be sweet but she is cruel and cold. typical elvish attitude toward other races, too. really, really likes flowers.

MAXIMILIAN CALYPSE. a small, stuttering lady of noble birth. married off to keep her father from having to go to war against dragons. considers herself to be useless and has a good deal of anxiety, but is generally one of the sweetest nobles you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. currently learning to use healing magic.

MICHIRU KAIOU. the soldier of deep waters, sailor neptune. a high school student with a mysterious destiny. spends her free time as a professional violinist. desperately wishes to embrace the ordinary life of a girl her age.

MIYU. vampire who tried to run from her destiny and made it worse. has to hunt down god-demons called shinma that she accidentally let escape. literally cannot die until she finishes her job, and she would very much like it to be over now. usually accompanied by her mask wearing servant, larva. she's cute and cruel in equal parts.

NATHALIE SANCOEUR. for fuck's sake she needs a vacation. and a raise. personal assistant to a supervillain. seriously questioning that relationship at this point. literally dying. trying to beat the current record holder for most akumatizations. she's pretty and could kick my ass. 

PERSEPHONE. our lady of the underground. literal goddess. known for bringing springtime and overseeing torture in the deepest depths of tartarus. the mom friend, she probably already loves you. does not put up with her husband’s bullshit. really loves her weird dog.

PIKE TRICKFOOT. gnome cleric of the everlight. she may be a holy woman but she has the spirit of a barbarian. will definitely try to drink you under the table. overestimates her own strength, but loves to surprise others when they doubt her. precious angel baby.

REINA "GLITCH" CROWNE. student at a prestigious art school with a focus on fashion design. acts like she's tough and untouchable, but she's actually just soft and trying to figure out who she is. loves meshing traditional fashion with digital media. known to the other students as "glitch" due to her first year freeze up.

RIZA HAWKEYE. military sharpshooter and right-hand-woman of the guy who wants to take over the military. likes like two people and her dog. usually smells like gun oil but it's not unpleasant. has no sense of self-preservation and will definitely die for the people she cares about. does not get paid enough. 

ROGUE. the poster child for "look don't touch." mutant and working on the proud part. literally too powerful for her own good. comes with the added bonus of her cajun husband who makes things explode by touching them. the og power couple. 

SIF. the unwaveringly loyal wife of thor, mother to magni, móði, and thrúd. trying desperately to hold what remains of her family together. can come across as somewhat cold. while not a warrior by any means, she will do anything to protect her children.

TABITHA DELAINE. monster hunter and general know-it-all. was part of a cult at one point but she doesn't want to talk about it. lowkey a witch but tries to use her magic sparingly. the biggest lesbian you will ever meet, next to her girlfriend van. lives in van's van. 

TIKKI. kwami of the miraculous of creation. has existed for as long as the universe has. sincerely loves humans and how wonderful they can be. helps to turn her current owner into the superhero known as ladybug.

VEX'AHLIA. ranger and rogue. sneaky and shooty. just trying not to die again, thank you very much. once stabbed a tree because it made moves on her. the champion of a god. will probably call you darling and wink at you. also, she has a bear named trinket and a husband with too many names for me to bother listing here.

( I ran out of images but she has no fc anyway shhh )

YILNA PENUMBRAE. oath of redemption paladin. a young shadar-kai woman banished from the shadowfell due to her heresy against the raven queen. while she looks scary given her build, scratched and dented armor, and scars, she is actually just a big buff cupcake. a big softie.

[kingsbride-moved]

Traumerei

Summary: Theseus, former king of Athens, and Asterius, the bull of Minos, decide to make an afterlife-changing decision.

(or: a thesedia proposal fic)

Notes: This is a little headcanon heavy, so I’ll try to add notes about them at the end :~) also features some OCs I haven't drawn yet so imagine them however you'd like for now

I call this a “thesedia proposal fic” (because it is) but it also has a lot of other things. Like Theseus attending a lesbian wedding and Asterius having a sweet tooth. I’ll be writing one for Asterius too at a later date, since there’s no way I’d have both done in time for Vday 😭

~ 3821 words (sorry </3)

Warnings: some small scenes with alcohol, occasional suggestive / sexual humour, brief discussion of like misogynistic ancient greek traditions

🎵: Girlfriend (Acoustic Arrange) | Fullkawa Honpo ft. Riza

The constellations returned from the heavens to bathe within the waters of the Okeanos, and Ixion’s wheel soon joined them within the waters; it was nightfall within Elysium.

The pathway of Elysium’s main market center was lined with torches aflame, shining brightly within the darkness. A group of shades gathered near, dressed in their finest robes. Theseus himself was no exception, though he tried to keep his looks simple to avoid drawing too much attention. This event was not about himself, after all.

Soon a chariot appeared. Within it stood an Amazon from the distant land of Lydia, her muscular arms scarred from many difficult battles; Antiope, sister of Hippolyta, whom Theseus had befriended long ago . Besides her a shorter, meeker maiden wearing a veil; Anaxo, Theseus’ own childhood friend.

The couple stepped off the chariot, and towards the altar that had been prepared for them. Their eyes sparkled as they looked at one another, Antiope cupping Anaxo’s face within her palms.

“Traditional wedding vows don’t really work for a couple like us…” Anaxo eventually said, “So we both decided to create our own. My Antiope… I never expected to find love here, within the afterlife. You’ve shown me a number of new experiences, and I cherish every single one of them. ”

“Anaxo… You’re the most gorgeous fucking woman in the world” (a few chuckles arose from the crowd; Antiope was always very sincere… and very blunt) “ I feel extremely lucky we had a chance to meet, even if it had to be here in Elysium of all places. I wouldn’t trade it for the world!”

The two kissed to a round of cheers from their friends and family, and soon they all gathered elsewhere in order to share food, drink, and gifts for the brides.

"Theseus!! I'm so glad you could make it!" Anaxo barreled into Theseus with a hug, nearly knocking him over in the process.

"But of course! I would not miss this for the world." Theseus squeezed her in return, grinning all the while.

"Asterius couldn't come, hmm?"

"He feels uncomfortable at large gatherings such as this, but he did send along a gift! As did I! For you, dear Anaxo, may your days be evermore merry!"

Anaxo was quick to unwrap the gifts she’d been given; a bottle of vintage ambrosia from Theseus, and a miniature replica of Anitope’s signature poleaxe from Asterius.

Anaxo again gave Theseus a tight hug, before running off to show her gifts to her wife. It was then that a tall shadow suddenly loomed over Theseus; he turned, and was immediately met with bright red hair.

“Hippolyta?!” Theseus gawked.

“Theseus,” Hippolyta snorted, “What, did you not think I’d show up at my baby sister’s wedding?”

“Ah, no! Nothing of the sort! In fact, it’s so nice to see both you and your sister doing well! …Last I heard, you had found love with Lady Aegle! Is she here tonight?”

“She is. Last I saw, she was asking some Corinthians about the jewelry they wore. That girl loves some fashion…” Hippolyta sighed with a clear longing. Theseus’ eyes light up, seeing how obvious her affections were.

“I see! And may I ask… has tonight’s event made you think about proposing to Aegle? I’m sure she’d love an opportunity to design a dress—”

“Hey, hey. I’m the one who’s asking the questions here!” Hippolyta ruffled his hair, “Why worry about me an’ Aegle when you haven’t even popped the question to that nymph girl you’re seeing?”

At that, Theseus’ face flushed red. He had asked Dianthus to marry him, but that was so many years ago when they were both young. Nothing had come out of that promise; Theseus had returned to Oenoe far too late. But the idea did linger in his mind every now and again when he spent time with the lady in the present. Would his life be very different if he did manage to wed her back then? Or is their love made richer by the failures of the past?

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Hippolyta nudged him with her elbow, “I bet she’d say yes, if you asked.”

“Mistress Polyta, it is far too early to be thinking of such things!”

“Early?? You started treating that Minotaur like he’s your husband within days of him being within Elysium. Why not be bold with her too?”

Theseus started to squeak in defense, but he could finish his sentence Antiope began to call out to her older sister, holding a bottle of ambrosia in one hand and a massive goblet in the other.

“Haha! Looks like I should be going. Think about what I said, alright?? We’re all already dead, so why not have some fun with it?”

And Theseus did think; here within Elysium, he’d again discovered the Bull of Minos within the depths of the underworld, and with him forged a bond stronger than any steel. Asterius was his friend, his partner, and lover all at once.

Not only that, but he’d been able to rediscover a bond with the maiden of spring, Dianthus, who now worked within Elysium’s own library. To think he would find her again here, after their chance meeting upon the surface! And she was even more gorgeous, more worldly, more ravishing than she was in their shared past.

…Asterius and himself had already promised their bodies and souls to one another. Though he had times where his insecurities gripped him like a vice, he knew within the depths of his heart that Asterius would never leave his side. And he, in turn, would never leave Asterius.

Perhaps, once he returned to their home, he would discuss his thoughts with the bull.

“If that is your decision, then I support it.”

Within their shared home, Theseus had told his bullish lover what was now weighing on his mind. Dear Asterius was always so willing to listen, and yet so shy when it came to sharing his own perspective. Instinctively, Theseus reached upwards. Asterius always had such sweet reactions to having his ear scratched, his oversized head coming to rest in Theseus’ own hand.

“I do not want this to be merely my decision, Asterius! I want to know your thoughts as well! Surely you’ve dwelled on this topic, same as I. I’ve seen the way you stare at her while she tends to her garden. Or how your eyes glimmer like the heavenly stars when she leans down before you and you can peer directly at the very cute mole upon her-”

“King.”

“The point is… I would only do this if it would make you happy as well, my friend!”

Theseus watched as Asterius’ long eyelashes fluttered close. His body language may be unreadable to some, but Theseus knew it well. Here, Asterius was taking his words into consideration, and soon his ears would perk up to indicate he’d reached a conclusion.

When his eyes opened again, he gave his king a sheepish gaze.

“I do not have the same history with The Lady that you do, but she has been nothing but kind to me.” Asterius’ ears gave a slight twitch, then flapped up and down quite adorably; he was embarrassed. “...And she is very beautiful.”

“Then it is settled! Surely you’re aware, my friend, that this means you must talk to her as well!”

“I have no experience in this manner, king…”

“So you think! But you have plenty of experience with me, do you not?!” Theseus climbed into Asterius’ lap, and wrapped his arms around his broad shoulders. It only served to fluster the poor bull further, though these days he was used to how physical Theseus was. “And besides that, I will speak to her first! So by the time you have your chance, dear bull, she will already be akin to a fresh, ripe fruit, just waiting to be plucked!”

“...Hmm.”

“What is with that expression?! Ah! You took some dirty meaning from my words, didn’t you, Asterius. Didn’t you!!”

“I did not…” Asterius fussed, even as Theseus kissed his jaw.

Though the bull tried his hardest to deny it, the fact that he refused to meet his king’s gaze was proof enough. And Theseus could not help but to laugh. How rare it was for Asterius to express his desires, even if indirectly. Just another example of what a nymph’s love could do.

Theseus had long ago given Asterius a gift in honour of their union; golden bangles to wear around his horns, created in the shape of the sacred herbs his ancestor Helios used for protection against the sun’s heat. He did not wear this accessory within the arena, concerned he may damage them if he did, but when they two were together within Elysium’s marketplace, or otherwise lounging, Theseus would see them upon his horns and his heart would swell with pride. They would need something equally splendid to give to the lady, then.

Theseus asked the bull, “what type of gift would best suit Dianthus?”

Asterius replied, “You are better at choosing gifts than I.”

Such words made Theseus pout, and soon a parchment and pen was thrust into Asterius’ hands so he may draft out a concept for a ring. Theseus himself did much the same, and once they'd both finished he dragged the bull to one of Elysium’s smaller market places.

There was a shade who set up shop here who’d worked with gemstones during his life. Theseus had made his acquaintance more than once, notably after he’d retrieved Asterius from the depths of the underworld. The shade had wanted to know if the rumours were true, if the Cocytus which flowed through Erebus was truly filled with glimmering diamonds (it was).

“Greetings my good shade!” Despite being the only people there at the moment, Theseus still felt the need to make his presence known.

“King Theseus.” The shade was not yet one of the faceless masses of Elysium, but was a ghostly flicker to his form all the same. “You’ve forgotten my name again, haven’t you.”

“Of course not!” Theseus scoffed. “You are, erm. Ahem.”

“...Antheus,” Asterius supplied.

“Antheus! Yes, of course, I knew that!” Theseus nodded. “Asterius and I are in need of your aid, O Great and Noble Antheus! We seek a gift for a most beauteous and noble lady—”

“The librarian?”

“Um. Yes.” Theseus felt strangely deflated. “How did you know?”

Antheus shrugged. “Rumours travel fast here in Elysium. What exactly did you come here to request, anyways?”

Theseus pulled from his chiton a sheet of parchment, where he’d messily scribbled out a design concept. Asterius did much the same, his paper delicately rolled and tied closed with a pink ribbon. Though he tried to keep his usual cool persona, Antheus’ curiosity was obvious.

“...Theseus, I’m going to have to simplify your… very unique design. Asterius, yours is perfect as is. I’ll send message when I have these ready for you, though it may take awhile. In the meantime, go on and do whatever it is you usually do.”

(The defensive King Theseus was sure to combat the claim that his design was too complicated to complete as is, but Asterius had the sense to grab him by the shoulder and pull him out of the shop before he had a chance to.)

Life continued as usual:

The champions fought within the arena each and every time Zagreus reappeared (they had their first victory in a while; surely a good omen.)

They visited with dear friends and family, and stopped at Elysium’s many shopping booths (Asterius’ younger brother, Glaucus, took them to taste a honey from a distant land. Its richness still had yet to leave Asterius; mind even since; he’d have to go back for more sometime).

They sat with Lady Chloris within the expansive fields of Elysium, where all life around her was kept fresh and green. (Theseus informed her of what he and Asterius intended to ask of her daughter, and her eyes glittered with a joy unlike any Theseus had seen before. Somehow, it put his restless heart at ease).

And most of all, they spent time with Lady Dianthus herself. They would dwell within the expanse of her garden, enjoying the light of Ixion, or travel together through some unexplored glade of the underworld where mysteries awaited them.

And sometimes they would watch her as she worked within her kitchen, bustling to and fro and roughly chopping up various fruits.

As a special reward for her champion’s recent victory, she crafted a cake for them all to enjoy together.

(Though Dianthus loved to cook, her skill with decorating was lacking. It was Asterius, who was always so precise in his movements, who decorated instead. Theseus gave unhelpful recommendations all the while, suggesting things such as “elaborate gold leafing” and “imported fruits from lands unheard of.”)

Soon they were enjoying their bounty together, waiting as the light in Elysium’s sky dimmed. And what joy it was, to be together in this way, to feel the love that surrounded their every word or touch, even when Dianthus fussed at Asterius for taking another slice of cake (“You’ll make yourself sick!”), or when she and Asterius laughed when Theseus, ever clumsy, nearly tripped over himself while attempting to make some dramatic gesture.

And hearing the lady’s sweet laugh, he and Asterius gave one another knowing looks. A day would come where they’d be doing this all over again with the lady as their cherished bride. And how exciting the very idea was, to be able to love her in the way that she deserved!

A day came where Antheus called the king and the bull back to the shop. Theseus felt so nervous he was nearly paralyzed, but his anxiety melted away when Asterius gave his shoulder a firm squeeze. He wasn’t doing this alone.

The design for Theseus’ ring had been simplified from his original concept (though, now that he thought about it, it may have been inconvenient for the lady to have a massive diamond on her hand as she worked), but it was still gorgeous. A ring made to resemble a laurel, connected by flowering vines to a bracelet of gold leaf and morganite (it was her favourite gemstone). Asterius had opted for a simpler design, a budding rose with a ruby, the same colour as the horn paint he wore, pressed into the center.

“Thank you, Antheus. Your work is beautiful, as always.” Asterius seemed hesitant to hold the ring for longer than necessary, as if it would somehow be damaged in his large hands.

Theseus beamed, and hugged one of Asterius’ strong arms in excitement. “Truly, my good shade, this is your best work yet! I shall be sure to reward you handsomely!!”

“Just tell me how it goes with that nymph and we can call it even.”

“...Really?”

“No.” Antheus held out a hand. “Pay me money.”

“Ah. Yes. Of course.”

Theseus entered Elysium’s library (banishment be damned), and asked Dianthus if she would like to spend some time with him this day or night.

“Of course, Theseus. …But you really should leave before anyone spots you here!”

And yet, despite her words, the lady was more than willing to sneak away once she was alone. The library would survive without her, after all. Here in Elysium there was no need for her schedule to be set in stone as it may be upon the surface.

Theseus took her hand within his own, and led the way.

As if Elysium itself sensed his intentions, a gate opened up to somewhere they could be alone together. A small garden with a marble fountain bubbling with a rush of water, and several small waterfowl resting upon its gentle ripples. Dianthus sat at the fountain's edge, smoothing her skirt as she did so. Theseus sat beside her.

“My lady, I…” Theseus found himself growing nervous again. Why was this so difficult, when he’d done it many times before? What made Lady Dianthus so… different?

As he continued to be paralyzed, unable to speak, the nymph eyed him curiously. It was clear to him that she was beginning to grow concerned, which only made Theseus desperate for his usual ability to speak to return to him.

“Theseus, are you—”

“HOW. Um. H- how do you feel about marriage, Lady Dianthus?!” It was not the question he meant to ask, but he supposed it was an important one all the same. She’d spoken of it before, but never in deep terms.

He imagined she would be alarmed by his sudden question (and she was, if her expression was anything to go off of), but she soon calmed, her eyes twinkling with a smile.

"Hmm.. it's not something I've thought about for a very long time, I admit. When I was a young girl I used to dream of it. Myself, two small children, a strong and loving husband… I would never be able to picture my husband's face, though. I don't know why."

"I was proposed to in the past,” she continued, “By someone other than you, I mean, before I left Oenoe. A nobleman came from Marathon and asked my father for my hand. I was already well past marrying age, being nearly 25. It didn't take long at all for his proposal to be accepted, as I'm sure you can imagine. But I had no desire to marry him!"

Theseus nodded. "You abandoned Oenoe to avoid this union, and were thus taken in by the retinue of Dionysus!" Dianthus had told him this story before, of her time amongst the maenads. It was difficult to imagine the lady who stood before him now wearing a skin of leopard's fur and wildly thrashing about amongst satyrs and drunken spirits, but even Theseus himself had such a phase at one point. Abandoning Athens to go enjoy the splendors of Lydia's Amazons felt so childish now.

"Mhm. And that was an interesting part of my life, I admit. And now, well… it is not as if the idea of marriage has never crossed my mind. But it’s not something I ever see happening to me here within Elysium… I’ve never given it much thought.”

“My lady, I mean no offense- but that is absurd! Any shade would be fortunate to have you! A nymph who is gentle, bright, caring, and beautiful as well!”

It was with a sense of urgency that he took her hands within his own, squeezing them tightly. How he wished he would tell her the intensity of his desires! And yet, despite how his heart swelled with love, his nerves kept him from saying what he truly meant. But he would find a way- for his Lady Dianthus, he would be brave as he is within the arena.

“Erm… what I mean to say is… to have the opportunity to love you, and to do so in the way you deserve! It would be an honour. It is for this reason that I… that is, I would like to…”

It was rare for Theseus to become this quiet; usually such silence was reserved for times where Theseus felt either immense dread or immense contentment. This expression that was on his face now was not one Dianthus recognized of him; was it fear, or something else entirely?

“This is… hardly the proper way to go about this. But you, my lady, are hardly proper at all! I, um, mean that as a compliment. In fact, your improperness is why I feel able to do this, despite how much my head swims because of it!”

Theseus stood, then resettled in front of Dianthus. Her hand reached to smooth back an errant strand of blonde hair, and Theseus nearly shivered. He would not be a coward in the face of love, not when his lady had done so much for him up until this point.

“I often think of the great misfortune it was, that I could not make good on my promise to you while we were still alive. To find that kind of connection once by chance! And then even here in Elysium, to still feel it so intensely! And this time, I… I shall not allow such an opportunity to slip through my fingers! What I wanted to ask you, My Lady Dianthus is this… will you do me the great honour of becoming my bride?!”

“H-huh?! I— I mean— Oh, dear, I’m sorry, I just— I didn’t think that you’d— I mean… shouldn’t you be asking my father this, and not me?”

“Bah! Who cares what he thinks?! And besides, it is the bold, opinionated, and independent Lady Dianthus whom I desire!”

“Oh. Oh!”

Dianthus nearly melted off her spot on the fountain’s edge, joining Theseus in Elysium’s soft grass. Soon, she felt Theseus pulling her close, and found her chin resting within the crook of his shoulder. Despite his words of confidence, she could feel his hands trembling from where they rested against her body.

“It is only if you’ll have me, my lady. I… I would understand if my history makes you wary, it is true that I have been careless in the past. But I see now that my dedication to you has never once wavered, even while we were apart for those many long years. My love for you, for Asterius, for the joys Elysium has given me… it is what fills me with strength.”

Dianthus’ arms rose against him, clutching at the back of Theseus’ chiton. His shivering soon stopped as she held him secure in her soft arms.

“And you would truly take this stubborn old girl as your bride?” she whispered, soft as silk.

“Nothing would make me happier!”

“In that case… I accept.”

Dianthus didn’t think it would be possible for Theseus to hold her any tighter, and yet, as always, he found a way. His nose buried against the cockle shell of her ear, he kissed her first there, then her forehead, her cheek, before finally making his way to her lips, desperate and needy for her love, as always. When they both pulled away, he held her cheek against his hand, her gaze soft at him.

“It really is untraditional, you know. To ask a bride instead of her father.” she hummed.

“To hell with tradition!” Theseus grumbled in response, “And besides that, what fool would be opposed to his daughter being wed to a king?!”

“Former king.”

Theseus pouted in faux offense, even as Dianthus leaned forward to kiss him again. Even if Theseus was, by all technicality, no longer Athens’ king… he would still think of his lady as his lovely queen. And he would do right by her; despite the mistakes he may have made in the past, with Dianthus, he felt able to grow, and to move on. To be joyful for their future together.

A/N: The Okeanos is the star river which encircles the earth in Greek mythology. During the day, the constellations wade within the river, before their mist scatters to the sky at night. The Okeanos flows thru the underworld as well; I like to think that when the constellations are resting, it makes the underworld dark, and whenever they fly to the surface the underworld is light. Ixion is ah… a guy who got strapped to a flaming well as punishment for hitting on the goddess Hera. In addition to the thing with the constellations, his wheel dips into the Okeanos during Elysium’s “nights”

Hippolyta is Theseus first wife, an Amazon from Lydia, which is modern day Turkey

The cocytus is an underworld river. While the styx is the main river, there are several smaller ones which connect to it; the phlegethon in asphodel, the lethe in elysium, and the cocytus in erebus. Meanwhile the acheron connects the styx to the surface.

Also for clarity it was the father of the bride who gets asked about marriage and not the bride herself, thus Dia bringing it up </3