#am i on my period? yes. is it making my feels for caleb worse? also yes

[mandalhoerian]

[read on ao3]

caleb hates the way you look at him now. like you were sifting through sand, running your hands through his bones, his voice, his skin, as if you could excavate the boy you used to know from the body he wears now. And he lets you. he lets you watch him with those wide, aching eyes, lets you press your unspoken questions into the space between you like a knife you’re too afraid to drive in.

but he is still here. he has always been here.

even when you left. even when you let the world pull you out of his arms, away from the home you built together in the shadows of another woman's house. even when you looked at him like he was someone else, something else.

like the metal in his arm has replaced something soft, that the scars are signs of a man who has lost himself. that the violence in his wake is a symptom of something wrong with him, rather than something that has always been there, something rooted in him, as natural as breath, as old as hunger.

but caleb was never one thing. he was never just soft, never just sharp — he was always both.

he is the hound at your heels, the one who circles, watchful, ready to tear out throats in your name. loyal. devoted. a beast trained to heel at your feet, to follow wherever you go, to obey without question. and if you asked him, caleb, stay, he would. if you asked him, caleb, stop, he would. If you asked him, caleb, go away — it would kill him, but he would.

but there is another thing inside him, and it does not listen.

there is a wolf in the woods, and it knows you. it has followed your scent for as long as it has drawn breath, pacing the edges of your world, waiting, waiting. it does not wait for you to call its name, does not wait for your permission to exist. it is not tame, not obedient, not safe. It does not serve. It only wants.

and caleb — caleb is both.

the livestock guardian that is submissive to you and the wolf that hunts you. the thing that kneels at your feet and the thing that would tear out the throat of anyone who dares stand between you. he wants to shelter you, protect you, keep you warm and safe and untouched. and yet — yet. there is a part of him, the part with teeth, the part with claws, the part that sees the softness of you and wants to sink its fangs into your throat, not to kill, never to kill, only to mark, only to hold, only to have.

you were always his gravity.

not in the way that the moon tugs the tide, not in some vast celestial dance — no, it was smaller than that. closer. more inevitable. like breath in his lungs, like blood in his veins. something unseen but undeniable, something he could never be without.

he belongs to you. he always has.

you don’t see it, not really. maybe you never did before, and he would prefer that you didn't, too. you called it love, called it family, called it childhood closeness like there was ever a world where he could be anything but yours. like there was ever a version of himself that didn’t orbit you, didn’t shape himself to fit at your side, didn’t soften his edges just so you would never cut yourself on them.

but he was never soft. he just hid the worst parts so you wouldn’t have to see them.

it wasn’t a lie — he never lied to you — but it was something gentler than the truth. he thought it would be enough. he thought if he could keep you smiling, if he could be the one you trusted, the one you leaned on, the one you needed, then maybe he wouldn’t have to think about how much he needed you.

then the world reared its ugly head, and he realized something terrible:

there were things out there that could take you from him.

and just like that, all that softness he built for you — the patient, gentle kindness, the indulgence, the restraint — it all crumbled into dust.

you were hesitant when you saw him again. you don’t think he noticed, but he did. he always does. and oh, it killed him, the way you shrank back, the way your breath caught in your throat like he was someone you didn’t know. like he was someone you couldn't trust.

it didn’t matter that he had only done this for you. it didn’t matter that every fight, every cut, every broken piece of himself was just another offering to the people who would have destroyed you if he hadn’t proven he was useful. that every time he did their bidding, he did it with his mind turned toward you, his hands working only so yours would never be bloodied.

you don’t know. you’ll never know.

because the one thing he can’t survive is you looking at him with hate.

he could bear it if you ran. if you cut him out, if you refused to look at him, if you left him behind like a ghost of something you no longer wanted. it would tear him apart, but he would let you. because you have always been the only thing that matters.

but you don’t.

instead, you talk about the past. you reminisce. you say his name like it still belongs to the boy you used to know, and he — he clings to it.

he lets you drag him back into those memories because he wants to believe it’s still real. that you still trust him. that you still need him. that you still want him close, even if you don’t understand what he’s become.

(he wants to believe that if he just stays by your side, if he just waits, you’ll stop flinching when you catch glimpses of what’s underneath.)

so he smiles when you talk about childhood. he humors you, lets you search for him in the person he is now, even though he knows you won’t find what you’re looking for. you think he’s changed. you think you lost something.

but you didn’t.

he is still the boy who would do anything for you.

the difference is that now, he no longer has to pretend there is a line he wouldn’t cross, and that he didn't want to cage you if the day he fears the most were to come.

if you ran, he’d let you. he’d watch you go like he's always done, even as it tore him apart, even as it hollowed him out like something starved, something desperate. because you were always meant to be free, and he knows — he knows —that his hands weren’t made to hold birds, only to shelter them.

but that doesn’t mean he won’t clip the wings of anyone who tries to take you away from him.

he has never been possessive. never that. if you told him you wanted someone else, he wouldn’t stop you. he wouldn’t rage, wouldn’t break, wouldn’t hold onto you with trembling fingers. but he would carve apart the world if they ever became a threat. if they ever so much as made you cry.

because what you don’t understand, what you never understood, is that keeping you safe is the only thing he has ever been good for.

and maybe — maybe, if things were different, if he were someone else, if this aching thing inside him didn’t beat only for you, he wouldn’t feel the way he does now. wouldn’t watch the way your shoulders tense, wouldn’t track every tired breath you take, wouldn’t see the way exhaustion settles into your skin and think, You wouldn’t have to be like this if you just let me take care of you.

but you won’t. you don’t.

and he has spent his whole life indulging you, so what’s one more thing? What’s one more sacrifice?

he could take you away. he could lock the doors, cut the world off from you, tuck you somewhere safe where no one could ever hurt you, not even him.

but he doesn’t.

he knows that would be the one thing you would never forgive.

and it isn’t about him. It never has been. it’s about you. your safety, your happiness, your freedom that you would never go through that again. so if you don’t want to be locked away, if you want to keep running toward danger, then fine. he’ll let you.

he’ll just be right there, in the shadows, following you. watching. waiting. making sure that when the world bares its teeth at you, it won’t get the chance to bite.

childhood friends who became family, who blurred the lines of sibling-tight bonds and something softer, sharper, and more yearning — it's a trope that feels like sitting in the quiet hum of a summer evening when the sun lingers too long on the horizon. because the truth of it is: nothing lingers forever. and you both know that, but you’ll still talk about the old days like maybe you can bring them back. like maybe if you name the memories, you can summon them. like if you say, “remember when we built that fort in the back garden and swore to live there forever because i had a fight with gran,” it’ll mean something now that the garden has been bulldozed and forever has been whittled down to awkward meetings where you can't talk about the elephant in the room.

it’s the uneven ground of being the one who died and the one who was left behind, or the one who grew and the one who wanted to keep the other captured the way they used to be in a snowglobe — or maybe just the realization that you’re both standing on shifting sand now. you talk about the past like it’s a shared secret, but neither of you knows how to talk about the present. maybe you’ve started running out of things to say because the summer nights you used to fill with fun and games are quieter now, and you don’t know how to breach the distance between you that yawns exponentially bigger every single day.

because that’s the ache of it, isn’t it? thinking you’ve grown together, but ending up having grown apart in the blink of an eye. the ache of seeing his face and realizing you don’t know him the way you used to — not like when you could read the curl of his lips or the way he bit the inside of his cheek and know exactly what he was thinking. you still know the shape of caleb, the blueprint of who he was, but he's a house rebuilt in the same place, and you’re standing on the porch like a stranger.

and you miss the summers, the cicadas, sleeping on the floor together with the attic window wide open, sharing ice cream together and being carried because of a scraped knee. even being scolded you refused mosquito spray because you hated the smell. you miss the easy, endless days of being inseparable and being spoiled rotten because time didn’t mean anything then. now, every second feels like a countdown. you sit across from him at a diner, laughter ringing too alien because it doesn’t reach his eyes the way it used to, and you’re counting the minutes until he leaves for skyhaven. or maybe it’s until you leave, because isn’t that the worst realization? there's always a deadline. you tell yourself it’s enough that you were everything to each other once, and there's still something between you like the transition between summer to autumn. but there’s a kind of grief in knowing you’ll never be those kids again, barefoot in the grass, shouting at the stars.

grief. you thought you knew it well.

because you know how to grieve a death — you’ve rehearsed it in your head, folded it into something manageable. it’s a well-worn myth, a story you tell yourself when the silence gets too loud: he’s gone. he’s not coming back. you cried once, twice, a hundred times in the soft, gold-light glow of dusk, in the places you once knew together, and you thought that was the worst part.

but then caleb came back. and now you don’t know what to do with yourself.

because it’s him, isn’t it? same voice, same face, same hands that once shoved you playfully into the lake on a summer afternoon. he looks at you with eyes that are so painfully familiar you want to throw up, but something in them is off — like a song played just a fraction of a second too slow. like the ghost of a childhood home, walls the same but empty, the warmth gone.

you want to say, you’re different. you want to say, what happened to you? but all he says, over and over, with that too-smooth, too-homey certainty is, i’ve always been like this.

and that’s the part that burns. because no, he hasn’t. you would know, wouldn’t you? you spent summers mapping out the topography of his voice, the way it cracked when he laughed too hard, the way he whispered conspiratorial plans under the sheets when you were supposed to be sleeping. you knew his every restless fidget, every dream he had about taking you away to somewhete but never actually going through with it. you would know if this was always him. wouldn’t you?

but what if you’re the one who’s wrong?

the memories are there, but they feel like borrowed pages from someone else’s story now. he tells you, remember when we built a treehouse in the oak by the creek? and you nod, it's like he's trying to coax the sparks out. remember how you used to hum under your breath when you were nervous? and he smiles, but it’s an aching, tight thing.

so you sit there, across from him, trying to measure the distance between the boy you knew and the man wearing his face. he talks about the past like maybe he can drag you back to it. like maybe he can make you remember. but you're here, waiting for him to join you in the present.

but the worst part isn’t the change.

the worst part is the knowing that he’s still here. still breathing, still existing, still talking to you. and yet he’s light-years away with the you of the past.

[justinstolemybike]

sigh. season 3. here we are. 

i watched the first five episodes and... i felt so uncomfortable. it was bad. not all bad but... pretty bad. so bad, that it wasn’t enjoyable for me and i didn’t care to watch it all the way through, so i read other spoilers and i am not sure if i will watch the final season. but with it being said that i did not watch the whole thing, this can’t be a full review. so, here comes my first glance. spoilers obviously. 

instead of weaknesses and highlights, lets just say likes and dislikes. likes first.

LIKES

- tyler’s storyline. last season, i was skeptical of how they would handle his rape and emotions about it, but i am relieved they gave his character proper care and devin druid did a magnificent job. my only gripe is that i wish they had him do something other than boxing to channel his anger. like, i understand why he would be learning self defense but i would like to see him do something less violent?? 

- jessica’s reclaiming of her body. at first the whole intro to the sex toys was weird but it actually was really touching (no pun intended) to see jessica begin to love her body and love sex again after what she’s been through. also, female masturbation is so underrated. nice to see it encouraged. know your bodies, ladies. 

- the classic jensen tour. i’m surprised they still allow him to do the tours. like, none of the exchange students from the last time reported him? oh.

- chloe and the abortion. as a character, i don’t care for chloe, i’m sorry. she’s not a character to me, just a plot device. also, she gets no cookies for lying for bryce in the trials (i know abusers and victims have a twisted dynamic and that’s why that happened but nah chief) but i do like how they showed that some pro-life clinics will mask as abortion clinics and manipulate women into coming and trying to get them to keep their babies. totally real and fucked up.

- bryce was held socially accountable (kind of) and i think that makes an interesting point about rape culture. in the real world, jail doesn’t scare men in power because they can buy their way out. they don’t care about women and what they feel, obviously. what’ll really fuck sexual assaulters up is when they have no friends and no one likes them. that’s what they (kind of) showed with bryce this season. and he died which, yes fucking rad awesome wow.

- i know that justin also had a kind of darker storyline (with seth, i think? you can tell me if i’m wrong but don’t be rude) but he was a lot of the comic relief it appears and brandon flynn was great at it.

- alex and jessica broke up. hallelujah.

- justin is a abuse survivor. makes sense with his background. 

- monty died too AND went to jail. cool amazing beautiful.

- tony is still ferociously loyal and apparently there was a scene where clay and tony said they loved each other. rise clony. rise up from the ashes.

- “i write fanfiction” - clay jensen.

DISLIKES

-ani. ani, ani, ani. i can understand why people find her annoying and she was probably the biggest reason i was uncomfortable watching but i didn’t hate her. she just... didn’t make sense. the things she did,the things she said, how she was involved and everyone just takes to her and loves her immediately, no questions asked, no buildup necessary... none of it felt natural or believable. a new girl comes in and it’s just a coincidence that clay gives her a tour and she decides to go up to jessica and says shes amazing and lives in bryce’s house and connects herself to the house of horrors that is the tape club (which was so dumb on the tape club’s part by the way, as she could have snitched and destroyed them all) instead of just finishing out her high school career in peace considering she moves around a lot and she starts college in a year and half and probably won’t talk to any of them after that. no, she’d rather potentially go to jail for a bunch of fucking strangers and criminals and rapists. sure, okay.

and for someone who just fucking got there to basically insert themselves in the traumas of these kids and make things worse in some respects and do some fucking shitty things (not listening or caring when she heard about bryce being a GODDAMN RAPIST, accusing jessica of SLEEPING WITH HER RAPIST, accusing clay of being the killer, yelling about chloe’s pregnancy in the street, the list probably gets longer) and think they’re allowed to pass judgment when THEY JUST FUCKING GOT THERE. LIKE, WHY IS SHE SO INVESTED? WHAT DOG DOES SHE HAVE IN THIS FIGHT? DOESN’T SHE NEED TO STUDY OR SOMETHING? WHY IS THIS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE SHE HAS GOING ON IN HER LIFE?

now, i get what the show was trying to do here. they wanted another, fresh perspective/narrator and i guess a love interest for clay (a wayyyy too convenient love interest, ‘she loves robots and drawing and not minding her business too! swoon!). but they could’ve had both of those things without adding someone to the payroll. honestly, i don’t think they needed a narrator at all but if they really wanted one, they could’ve added an ACTUAL ADULT detective, with no biases so they can be completely reliable to the audience and their investment would be justified. for love interest, yall already know how much i love and miss sheri. she could check clay without sounding patronizing and had chemistry with him and actual nice, romantic history. she could have been his second cop and they could have reconnected and become a couple and... we could’ve had it all, rolling in the deeeppp. 

it’s like with ani, the show wanted to kill two birds with one stone but they missed them both and i think the backlash on her character says it all. i’d just like to remind everyone to give the actress who plays ani respect and courtesy because it’s not her fault. 

- was it just me, or does it seem like the tape club has learned nothing from what they went through? they’re still keeping secrets and trying to hide shit and keep it all inside and i’m like..... but.... this behavior is what got ya’ll fucked up in the first place? and i totally understand it’s about protection and whatever but.... it also feels like an excuse to not be held accountable for wrong doing. like, alex killed bryce. although he had all the reasons to do it and i’m glad he’s dead, he killed someone fam. that’s not okay. and his dad is wrapped up and it’s just... i just... i dont know. then, there was the whole “let’s not tell on tyler so he doesn’t go to jail” thing and i have mixed feelings about that. i think they should’ve turned him in and got clay’s mom to rep him for rehabilitation and therapy instead of a jail sentence. they’re hiding the guns and trying to trust tyler and luckily that worked, but how long? what if someone fucks with him again and it’s too much for them to help him with? 

- speaking of help, clay needs it. oh my god, does that boy need it. they were so focused on getting tyler professional help but, clay’s out here putting guns to his head and having night terrors. he needs therapy more than anyone. honestly, what i would have liked to see, wayyy back in s2, is as soon as justin saw that, he wouldve went to clay’s parents and got him back on his meds and seeing a counselor. he’s been through so much trauma and guilt and he’s tired of his own fucking hero complex. it’s enough man. 

- they tried to have their cake and eat it too when it came to clay stopping tyler from shooting up the school. they tried to be like, clay shouldn’t have done that but oh, he was so brave and what a great guy he is for doing that. no, that doesn’t work. clay should not have confronted tyler in that situation. period.

- zach was disappointing because i agreed wholeheartedly when he said that they should have called the cops but... he didn’t. he was blaming them for letting tyler go free but he was too. damn, zach.

- it’s like they give clay a new lackey every season and.... ok, i guess.

- i also thought it was kind of weird that after everything they’ve been through, they still walk on eggshells with each other? like i guess because now we’re dealing with murder but... i would think they would trust and care for each other a lot more than to accuse each other and spy and interrogate and not just simply ask... like... this season made me not understand the tape club’s relationship. like are they friends? allies? allies trying to be friends? friends out of necessity? do they know? 

- bryce does not deserve to be humanized. that’s all.

- monty does not deserve to be humanized. that’s all. also, it’s so disappointingly predictable that he’s closeted. 

- the new characters (ani, caleb, chloe, winston, cyrus ) i still don’t care about. plot devices, all.

i may edit and retract some things, should i decide to watch all the way but i’m tired.

[lunermagick-sims4]

Griselda’s Stroy  Part 11

  The next day Griselda felt determined to work harder at training. After she got ready for the day and got Storm feed she nosed dived into the vampire tomes.  It mentioned about a resistant potion that human sims could use to help with the effect of vampire spells. Griselda thought that was interesting that there was a potion to make them resist or make their powers not work on them. She read some more and thought she was ready to do some physical training with Lilith. It was a cloudy day for once so she able to go outside during the day. Griselda was happy to be able to get out during the day. She started to feel less tired now, she was not sleeping as much as a human would needs to. She starting to stay up longer and liked having more hours in the days to get stuff done. Griselda put her books away back on the fire place and started towards the outside door to go to the Vatore’s place. Once she got to the stairs of their house she remembered the kiss she shared with Ren on that night. She touched her lips and flashed back to all their conversations and to the times they spent together. She sighed and squeezed her hands into a fist determined to find strength in herself to move past all this.  I am getting stronger and the next time you see me Ren I will not be some teenager to be embarrassed of!  I will become a master vampire and I will be a top witch. I will become something stronger and worthy to be loved!  She walked up the stairs and let her fists lose. She had her goals straight, she was getting stronger by the day and she was determined to find out what happened to her parents. She was at the door had herself back together and she knocked.  She heard a voice “Come in” she walked in.  Caleb was reading a book and Lilith was painting her toes on the sofa. “Hey guys.” Caleb gave a wave while still into his book. Lilith waved her over to the sofa and Griselda sat down. “How everything going?” Lilith asked after she finishes up the last touch to her toes.  Griselda gave thought to what she was going to say as she could not talking about Ren with them.  So she put on a fake smile. “Everything great.  I came over because I have been reading a lot of the tomes and am ready to do some training.  I know you guys can make me stronger if I put the hard work into it.” Lilith was taken back by the determination Griselda showed. “If that is what you want.  We are here to help train you on everything you need.  Right Caleb?” He looked from his book. “Be glad to help.” Griselda smiled happily to have them ready to help. “Well if your ready to start training lets get started.   “Lilith stood up, with her red eyes she was giving her a hard look over. “Are you emotionally ready for this?” Griselda stood up and nodded. “I am ready!”  Lilith smiled and they started outside to train. Griselda worked hard that afternoon. “Your energy is staying up much better. I am amazed at how much your gaining in strength.”  Griselda was starting to feel tired.  “I think we are good for today, how about you go home and get some rest. You have done well today we will pick it up again tomorrow.”  Griselda was happy as she was wanting to call it a day too, but she would of worked more if she need her too. “That sounds good. Thank you Lilith for everything.” Lilith smiled at her. “You’ve got this. Whatever has drove you to push yourself more use it.” Griselda thanked her again and started for home.

Griselda was all sweaty from training since it was hot out so she decided to take a shower and change into something cooler. The shower felt nice hitting her skin removing all the dirt and sweat from her body. Griselda had nothing much planned for today so she figured she may just relax and learn a few new spells. She started feeling her belly cramp and thought it probably was just from the work she did today.  A nice relaxing of reading a book would be good for her. She started to read some potions and now that she is at a adept level she can finally learns how to make a cure potion if she ever was cursed by someone. Griselda feel she has certainly worked hard at becoming stronger in the last few days but it will definitely take more time to get where she would like to be. Her birthday is not until the second day of winter which is winter solstice.  She has enough time to do everything she needs to do. School is only a week away so she will need to focus on her studies as well. The cramping started to get worse, she ran to the bathroom to discover she had blood on her underwear so she figured out the cramps were to due with her first period.  She has been taking birth control for some time to make sure she was safe, but also used condoms when she had sexual intercourse, but this was her first period. She now understood why she had been feeling more emotional than usually and not being able to control herself emotionally.  Yes, she was hurt about what transpired between her and Ren.  She certainly had all right to be upset because she does believe she loves him and having him not give back the same feeling broke her heart also hearing him say your a teenager so we just can’t do this!  Griselda started to tear up. She got herself cleaned up put on a pad to protect herself,  she was very glad she was home when this all happened.  She wiped away some tears and went out to sit down on the couch with Storm to  confide in him how she was feeling to let it all out.  She felt like she could not talk to no one else. Storm laid and listen to her as he seem to understand everything she was saying. Griselda swears she could hear Storm speak in her head. “Everything will work out the way it suppose to. Focus on the tasks at hand and you will become who you need to be. You need to trust yourself and become yourself first” Griselda was shocked but he was right. She swears she hears him talking to her in her head every time she learns a new spell or potion,  but she would shrug it off thinking it was all in her head. She could even hear Glitter too! It all was making sense now, they are talking to her and she was not crazy.  She smiled and hugged Storm. “Thank you.” Storm chattered

The next day was scorching hot and the sun was beaming down rays that would burn even a human sim.  Griselda has no air conditioning so her and Storm was waiting out the heat. She made sure the place used very little electricity as possible to keep it eco friendly and also to save on the bills. Griselda used magic powered lights or candles to keep the house lit up.  She did not need much lights to see since she was a vampire. Griselda and Storm were watching a movie and sweating like crazy when she heard a knock at the door.  Griselda looked at Storm. “I wonder who that could be?” Griselda got up and went to the door looked through the window to see it was Minerva.  She smiled happily to see the women who had raised her since she was a child. She opened the door. “You do not have to knock come in” Minerva gave her a sweet smile and came in. “I think this place keeps getting homier every time I come. You got photos up and it looks very nice.” She was looking at the photo of Griselda and Ren that was sitting on her desk shelve. Minerva eyed her but said nothing about it. “The reason I have come is I got a letter for you.” Minerva took the letter from out of her pocket and handed it to Griselda.  It was addressed to Griselda Vermillion, she looked at it for a second then started to open it. Minerva watched.  Once Griselda read the first piece of paper in the envelope and was shocked to read a cheque for $2,000 was enclosed. Griselda looked at Minerva and hugged her. “Thank you!  But I can not except this!”  Still embraces Minerva.   “This is not from me, I mean I would of but I did not give you this money, dear.”  Griselda pulled back. “Who then?” Minerva shrugged!  “I am not sure. It was in our mailbox a few days ago.”  Griselda could feel she was lying. “You do know but you will not tell me.” A piece of paper fell from the cheque so she picked it up. It was a letter so she started to read it. Dear Griselda. I am sending this money to help build your plant business.  I know you will do something amazing with this money and I wanted to help. I hope this is enough for you  to build something to keep your weed plants warm for the winter.  It was just signed with yours truly. Griselda looked at Minerva. “This is Ren doing.  I can not accept his money.  I don’t care if I need it.  I will not expect it.” Griselda felt tears weld up in her eyes. Minerva come in close and touched  her shoulders. “I am not crazy about you selling weed but you will do what you think you need to! I think Ren did this to help you.  He said he felt you guys were not in a good place.” Griselda was shocked. “How much did he tell you?” Minerva sighed . “Not much but enough to know he care for you very much.  Take the money.  You need this money to help yourself.  If you got anything left buy yourself a washer and dryer so you have something to wash your clothes in instead of by hand or coming home all the time. Our washer can not take much more.” Minerva teases.  Griselda laughed as tears slipped down her cheeks.  Minerva hugged her and gave her some reinsurance,  “he may not be what you need right now, but I do think when you both grow thinks may be different, just give it time, Griselda!  She looked at her and was not surprised that she figured it all out as she was always wise woman and always knew things before anyone ever had a chance to tell her.  Griselda gave her a grim smiled and nodded. “Keep your chin up. You have lots of time to be a grown up. Your a teenager so be one for a while!  Explore and have fun with friends.  Everything will happen in it proper season, my dear child.  Griselda took in her mother’s scent of honey and oats and sadly her mother had to go. “Come by any time not just when you have to do laundry. We do miss you!”  Griselda waves goodbye as she teleported back to her home.

Griselda felt very lonely after Minerva left and needed some company so she went over to Lilith and Caleb’s place.  When she got there she was welcomed by Caleb.  Lilith was away doing errand so Caleb was there alone. Griselda just wanted to have someone to chat with. “Do you mind if I stay for a bit?” Caleb shrugged. “Sure do not mind at all.” He smiled at her. Griselda thought he had a sweet smile and loved his honey brown eyes which made him even more attractive. Griselda thought he was cute and felt kind of attraction while they were talking.  “What do you like to do for fun?” Caleb eyes lit up. “I am a foodie and a natural cook. I just love food. A lot of vampire do not get to enjoy food but I am glad I am one who can.  Poor Lilith though,  food makes her stomach gurgle.  I feel so bad for her!”  He is right a lot of vampire do not get to enjoy food but they both could and  was happy because food was pretty tasty. “That is to bad.  I mean blood is good but being able to taste spices and flavours is even better.” Caleb perk up. “Right? Some day I want to be a chief.” Griselda reached out and touched his shoulder. “If that what you want to do. Then do not hold yourself back. You seem to be very passionate about this.  Do what makes you happy.” He smiled. “Your right.” They chatted on and on about many things for awhile. Griselda was starting to think Caleb was not that bad.

Griselda had found a carpenters to build a greenhouse for her.  He put up some walls and put on a number of glass panels for the roof.  The greenhouse was located off the kitchen near the bathroom. She had a door put in off the kitchen and had no floor laid.  She wanted the natural ground for growing her plants. It will be nice to have them undercover to keep animals from getting to them and out of the public eye!  Even thought it is legal in Forgotten Hollow.  She just did not want them on her lawn and was happy to put them into her greenhouse. She even found some sour diesel strain and planted a couple of shroom plants. They sell for good money once they get better in quality. She can use them to fertilize her plants as well. The money is finally rolling in now. Griselda has gained a couple of clients to sell to on a regular basis, plus with work getting raises here and there has very much helped with money issues. Also her catnip and other plants are making a profit too. With $2000.00 that she got she was able to build her greenhouse and  get a drier. She did not have enough money for a washer so she got a wash tub. Griselda found some lily flower and daisies and planted them so she could use the flowers in her wash tub to make her clothes smell nice!  It is going to be hard work to wash clothes in the wash tub but it will be worth it with flower scent. Griselda has been working away at upgrading her sinks and plumbing so things flow better and have less leaks. Griselda is feeling pretty handy in gaining her repair skills.

[saintkimora]

ok, here is a full account of what happened yesterday and the new events from today. caleb if you are seeing this please respect my privacy and stop reading now 

ok so it started the other day. caleb texted me at night saying he wanted to talk to me about something serious the next day. i asked what it was about and he said he just wanted to be friends but i didnt read too much into it bc he is impulsive so i figured he would come to his senses the next day

so then yesterday happened. i had just gotten out of sociology at like 10:40am and i saw that he had texted me all these things about breaking up. then when i got to my car he called me on the phone. he then proceeded to break up with me over the phone. his reasoning was that since hes prob moving in a few weeks, he wanted to stop being boyfriends now that way when he does leave itll hurt less than it would, so like easing himself out of the relationship basically. i think its a stupid idea 

so these are the issues i had. the first was that he broke up with me over the phone, not even in person. and like i was crying over the phone and his tone was just like very cold and detached and business like and that really hurt me bc he obv knew i was crying but i didnt feel any sympathy from him whatsoever. like if he was crying i would obv be comforting him and trying to make him feel better not talking like a robot. another thing that hurt was that he gave up on the long distance relationship before we could even try it. it made me feel like i was so worthless and unimportant that he didnt even feel like putting forth the effort to make our relationship work. and the fact that he did this all over a 10 minute phone call on his way to the gym. and then like 20 min after he had the NERVE to post a video on his snap story of him at the gym saying “feeling so good *blushing smile emoji*” like that really hurt my feelings and when i told him that later he was like “oh stop making everything about you it was just how i was feeling after working out” but like? i know he obv wasnt saying that he felt so good about breaking up. but what bothered me was that like after he broke up w me, i was a mess i was literally crying all day and i couldnt do anything but cry i was so upset. and then here he is just going on with his day like its another normal tuesday. like the fact that he was capable of being so happy not even a few hours after breaking my heart made me feel like i was nothing, like it was just an errand like “oh im gonna break up with perry then go to the gym lol” and the fact that he did it over the phone just made me feel so insignificant like i was nothing to him and that really hurt. and like ive tried to be the best boyfriend i can be for him and i try to do everything he asks of me so for him to just break up with me in such a dismissive way makes it feel like he doesnt even care

so i was crying in my car, like really bad like i was BAWLING. so i went to the student counseling center and asked for a crisis meeting and i got set up w this counselor named josh. he was nice and tried to help me calm down and focus on orgo. it was nice to have someone to talk to i guess

so then i went home. he called me again to like try to explain himself but only made me feel worse. he was like “you know when i move im not gonna be able to see you everyday and cuddle with you and fall asleep on your chest anymore” and that just made me sadder and i was crying again on the phone. then later we were texting and he was like denying breaking up with me. like, you said you wanted to just be friends and you explicitly said that you didnt want to be boyfriends anymore so how is that not breaking up??? and he said “i was trying to have a conversation with you but all you did was cry.” with the period to show how serious he was. and it really hurt me when he said that bc it felt like he was mad at me and using me crying against me, like i somehow did something wrong by crying. again if he was the one crying i would not be holding it against him like that so i really wish he didnt say that bc it made me feel bad for being emotional which should not be something to feel bad about. and at the end of the call he didnt say i love you like he always does so that hurt my feelings as well

and like i took away the hearts from his contact name and changed my phone backgrounds since they were pictures of him and that just made me really sad

i skipped psych and anatomy lecture but i couldnt skip my anatomy practical. i cried when i was backing up my car to leave bc i saw the “hi <3″ that he wrote in the dirt on my back windshield a while ago and it just set me off. so i got to school and i was planning on having this be the dropped grade so i wasnt like worried but i got a 90 anyways so that was nice. the prof was like “perry whats wrong you look depressed” and i was like im just a little sad today and he was like why and i was like “bc my significant other broke up w me” (i used s/o bc idk how my prof is about those things so i didnt wanna say bf). he told me this story about how in his senior year of college he had such bad mono it was misdiagnosed as hodgkins disease so he was given 18 months to live and his gf of 4 years left him after finding out. so he told me “perry, girls are like a bus. if you miss one, another one will come along in 15 minutes. if i had daughters i would tell them the same thing about guys” so that was nice that he tried to cheer me up. then when i was leaving from the other room (bc we leave our stuff in the other room during the practical) the TA came to me from the main room and wished me luck on my finals so that was nice of him 

so then i went home. then at 10pm i met w caleb in person in his car. we talked and at first he would not let me get a word in and he just kept defending himself and what also upset me was that he thought the reason i was so upset was that he was moving and he was so defensive like “i wish i could stay here but i have no choice i cant afford to live here its too expensive” and like that is not what upset me!!! i already knew he was moving ive had time to accept it what upset me was how he broke up w me for no reason w almost no warning and did it in such a cold way. and like the way i see it is since hes leaving instead of easing ourselves out of the relationship to stop us from getting hurt when he actually leaves (which wont happen bc itll hurt regardless), i figured we should make the most of our time together and enjoy each other as much as possible since we’ll have plenty of time to get over each other AFTER he moves. so when i told him my point of view he was like “i wish i thought of it like that, im really bad at this” so that was how i resolved the issue. he was hesitant about keeping the bf label but i told im i really wanted to and i didnt see a point in taking away the label now anyways. i also told him i at least wanted to try long distance instead of giving up before it even happens. i dont remember what he said to it though lol i was too emotional. but yeah the beginning of the convo just felt like he was berating me and i started to cry again bc i dont like it when hes rude to me like that

then he told me that im so sensitive i could see a squirrel in the road and cry and i had to explain to him that i am not a sensitive and emotional person! im normally v reserved w my emotions like ive only cried maybe 3 times the past 8 years and that im just emotional when it comes to him bc i care about him so much

another thing that bothered me was that he said every relationship teaches a lesson, and from ours he learned not to rush into things. i dont get that bc yes we did rush but that wasnt really a bad thing? like he wouldve moved regardless so taking things slow wouldnt have changed that. and like since we rushed into things it will hurt more when he leaves since we are closer than we would be if we took it slow but also like, if we didnt rush we wouldnt have gotten so close and had so much fun together in the first place. so imo the benefits of getting so close so fast vastly outweighed the pain of him leaving

so everything would be great except for this next part. he told me the easing out of the relationship thing was bc he got the advice to do that from his mom and leeann. so when i got home i made a post calling leeann toxic and his mom stupid for interfering in our relationship. and like yall can tell that obv i was kidding and just exaggerating for humorous effect like i dont really think his mom is stupid or that leeann was toxic, just that their advice in the situation was bad. but caleb texted me this morning being so rude calling me disgustingly disrespectful for saying that and he said that “next time you think about doing this remember how it felt when i dumped you (so he admitted that he did dump me) - and get those tissues ready” (since ive been using a lot of tissues since i was crying so much). that really really hurt my feelings bc 1. he is once again using me crying against me and 2. it shows a total lack of sympathy for me crying, like it felt like hell yesterday i was so upset and he knows that so for him to threaten to put me through that again just shows he doesnt really care about me or my feelings. 

he also said i need to stop using him and leeann and his mom as “characters in your online stories” like...these arent online stories? this blog is where i vent and talk about my feelings since i dont have anyone to do that with irl and i need to get them out somewhere im not writing these posts to be mean it just feels good to put my thoughts into words instead of bottling them up and even my therapist thinks its a good thing for me to do  

so he said that but i was NOT having it. i typed up a long text in response and even i admit it was kinda mean. like in his he said “dont even talk to me for the rest of the day” so at the end of my text i said “dont talk to me ever i am perfectly fine w never talking to you again the rest of my life so bye have fun in new hampshire or whatever” and he was like “perry stop you dont mean that last part” and then he called me and once again got defensive he said he was just trying to have a convo w me and i was being aggressive for no reason. like, no??? a convo would have been texting me like “perry i know its your personal blog where you post your feelings but this post upset me and this is why” not coming at me with 4 super rude texts out of nowhere. so he was trying to play the victim and paint me as irrational and that im overreacting just like he did yesterday and i didnt like it! he was just dismissing my feelings again. so i went OFF in this phone call like wow i really snapped and it felt good tbh

like i think he was just expecting me to sit there and take it and apologize like i usually do when he gets like this but i am done doing that! so i think he was caught off guard that i stood up for myself. i was like caleb i really dont care i have the most important orgo test of the semester today you already took yesterday from me but today i am not entertaining it if you have an issue call me after my test” and i ended the convo and hung up and then he texted me “good luck on your test” like ok hi king of passive aggressiveness 

so thats it. i felt good at first but later on i felt bad so i texted him apologizing for snapping at him but i said i wont discuss the tumblr issue until we are in person. i asked if he was free tonight and he said no he wants a day or two to be separate and normally i would understand but like...hes moving in a few weeks i really dont want to waste time fighting and being in this weird place

not to be out of order but another thing that got on my nerves was when we made up last night. he said “once i move youll have more free time for things like school, work, maybe going to the gym” like once again here he is commenting on my appearance! like yes i know im scrawny and i wish i wasnt but im sick of him taking jabs at my looks like my body, acne, and eyebrows when i literally have NOTHING but nice things to say about how he looks. it makes me feel bad when he points out my flaws like that and a good boyfriend is not supposed to make me feel like that

now for the most recent development. leeann sent me this LONG fb message bc caleb told her what i posted about her. like why does he have to expose me like that! i didnt read the message i was like “yeah im not reading this but just so you know i was kidding i wasnt serious i was exaggerating lol” and she was like ok lol 

i just dont know why she thinks i care about her input on MY relationship? like youre calebs friend not mine to be frank i dont give a fuck what you think about whats best for my relationship like you dont know me so mind your business

and thats another thing. in the past caleb has gotten pissed at me for sharing our business too much (by telling my friends (who he will literally never meet since they all went away for school) and by posting on here) yet here he goes telling leeann everything! seems hypocritical to me

and heres a second thing. i have always told caleb that my blog is my personal space where i can safely vent and talk about my feelings and that he should respect my privacy by not reading my personal posts. and ive told him that if he does wanna read them then hes doing so at his own risk bc im not going to filter myself bc this is MY space not his so if he really wants to overstep his boundaries and look at my posts then he cant get mad at me for them bc HE is the one choosing to read them even after my warning! so i dont think he should be getting mad at me especially when i was in such an extreme state of mind yesterday since he put me through the worst day of my life for no reason which literally couldve been 100% avoided if he had just waited to talk to me in person instead of breaking up w me over the phone. and like now i feel like this isnt even a space place for me to express myself anymore since theres a chance of him seeing. and i tried blocking him before but he made a new blog and wont tell me the url so i cant block him smh

so yeah thats everything that happened. im kinda stressed rn w this whole leeann drama even though he shouldnt have been reading my posts in the first place. like its just so much drama and i dont like how it feels and idk why this relationship turned sour so fast and i wish he would just be nice and sweet to me again. so hopefully things get better