#am i free at last from awkward hell of people thinking im c o o l??

[just-a-mod]

can't believe im being slandered like this in my own ask box

from a meme i reblogged

how dare /in humor

@sparklehoard @xhrystal-vampire

[legitlaur]

Golden Hour part 3 // p.p

Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k whoops

Warnings: Cheesy, awkward social encounters, the occasional swears, not edited (very well)

Summary: You didn’t think having photography with Peter Parker would be of any significance to your life, that is until you were with him at Golden Hour.

Note: sorry its legit the slowest story ever, im working on cutting down the fluff so it finally gets good. anywho thanks for reading, much love.

PART 2

not my gif

Monday after school you had a job interview at a bookstore near the school. Before that you were supposed to meet up with Jonah to exchange phones.

“I wish you had a picture of this kid. Or a last name. We can’t even find his instagram.” Mimi complained during lunch.

“Speaking of instagram. Has there been any activity on my account? I didn’t change my password so he has access to it.” You explained.

Mimi turned on her phone, “I’ll check. This is perfect, we can use this as a trust exercise.”

You moved closer to Mimi, both of you looking at her screen. As you searched through your instagram there weren’t any recent likes. The memes Mimi had sent you remained unopened.

“Wow. This kid is golden. You better go out on a date with him,” Mimi popped a piece of cantaloupe in her mouth, “When are you seeing him again?”

You checked the time in her phone, “He said he’d be here right after school. I told him I have a job interview at 3:45 that I can’t miss.”

“Let’s meet up after school in the bathroom by physics and fix you.” Mimi suggested.

“Fix me?” you asked.

“Oh y/n. If you want a boy to like you, you’ve gotta do something about that hair.” She sighed.

You fought back, but Mimi was resilient. You agreed only to shut her up.

When the bell rang to get out of your last class, you slowly made your way to the science hall. Mimi would come find you if you didn’t meet her there. As you walked through the hall you noticed Peter and his friends. Ned Leeds and Michelle Jones. The perfect way to get out of meeting up with Mimi.

“Hey Peter.” You shouted as you walked into their small circle.

He smiled, “Hey y/n. This is Ned and MJ.”

“It’s Michelle, only my friends can call me MJ.” Michelle glared at Peter.

You frowned, “So what's up with you guys?”

“We are planning our next movie marathon. Lord of the Rings or Star Wars. We did Star Trek last month so I was thinking Lord of the Rings because its not space.” Ned excitedly explained.

You laughed, “I personally like The Hobbit more than Lord of the Rings,. So that's what I would watch.”

“No way. I love The Hobbit movies. We are definitely doing The Hobbit.” Peter exclaimed.

Ned looked at you, “Y/n you should totally come. Its great. We all wear pajamas and Peters aunt orders tons of food. We watch all day.”

Peter gave Ned a weird look, “Or, um I bet you have something better to do on your weekend.”

You wrapped your arm around Peter, “Actually no, I don’t. I’ll be there. Someone just text me the details,” You dropped your arm and started to the bathroom, “I’ll see you guys later.”

Mimi was leaning on the wall outside the bathroom, “Hurry up. My mom needs me home and I’m trying to help you. But you’re off socializing with,” She gestures towards Peter and his friends, “them.”

“Sorry. Let’s get this over with. I need to go meet Jonah.” You look at the phone in your hand.

You follow her into the bathroom where she wets your y/c/h. She brushed, and brushed.

“My goodness Mimi. I’m not gonna have any hair left.” You yelped.

“Sorry,” She patted it down one last time, “You’re good to go. Call me after. I wanna hear everything,” she ran out of the bathroom.

You fix your shirt, and look in the mirror. If Jonah didn’t like you when you liked like this, then he wasn’t the right guy for you. You sigh and head to the front of the school. Jonah wasn’t there yet. You sit down on the stairs and check the time..

3:10pm

You text him.

Where are you? Remember I have my job interview?

He didn’t respond, you sat with nervous knees.

3:20pm

You couldn’t be late for your interview, you texted him again. You sat patiently hoping he’d show.

“Y/n? What are you still doing here? Don’t you have a job interview?” Peter came and sat next to you.

You moved closer to him, hoping to use his body heat to get warm, “Yeah,” You shivered, “You know this phone,” you held out the Iphone X, “Well it’s not mine. It’s a kid named Jonah’s.”

You then went on to explain the whole story to Peter. Even Jonah’s good looks, and the butterflies in your stomach.

“So you’ve got a crush on this Jonah?” Peter smirked.

You pushed Peter with your body, “Shut it. I doubt it’s gonna go anywhere.”

Peter laughed, “I, I’m pretty sure it will. Just let things play out.”

You smiled, “Parker you know you give really good relationship advice.”

He shrugged, “It's what I do.”

You checked the time.

3:30

“I guess I’m walking. We love that.” You got up.

Peter stood up, adjusting the grip on his bag, “Want me to walk you?”

“No. You’ve gotta get to your internship. I’ll text you later and let you know how it goes,” you reached up and wrapped your arms around Peter, embracing him in a hug, “Thanks. I’ll see ya later.” Peters body was stiff, he raised his arm and patted your back awkwardly. You let go, Peter ran the other direction, you texted Jonah.

I’m leaving for my interview. I’ll call you after. You better answer.

Disappointed you ran from the school to the bookstore. The welcome bell rang.

“My name is y/n y/l/n. I’m here for a job interview.” You panted.

The cashier spoke into his earpiece, “Andrews your interview is here.”

Moments later a man came out of the back door, “Y/n?”

You nod, he comes to shake your hand, “I’m Alec Andrews, lets go into my office.”

He led you into a room behind the register. There was a small desk, and a few chairs.

You sat down and smiled.

“I hope you know you were late.” He sits down across from you.

You look at the time on his computer.

4:00pm

“I’m so sorry. I have a really good explanation. So I accide-”

“I’d rather not hear it if that's okay. I understand life happens.”

You went through the interview process, he asked you lots of questions. You happily answered them.

“Everything looks good, we will get back to you shortly.” Alec put your resume on top of a pile, you assumed were other resumes.

You thanked him and left. Once you got outside you checked Jonah's phone, there were six missed calls. You clicked one, waiting for him to answer.

“Y/n? I am so sorry. Can you please forgive me? I had to help move my grandma into an old folks home, and I wasn’t paying attention to the ti-”

“Its okay, are you free now? I’d really like to get my phone back.” You barked.

“Yeah, where are you? I’ll come to you.”

You told him the address of the bookstore, he said he would be there shortly. You were instructed not to leave for any reason.

Leaning against the wall of the bookstore you waiting patiently. Constantly looking at the people in the streets, hoping to see the blonde haired mystery boy again. A bright red Lamborghini zoomed past, only to make a sharp illegal u-turn. Pulling over, the window went down, “Hop in.”

You looked closer and saw Jonah. You threw your bag over your shoulder and ran into the street, he opened the doors. You carefully crammed in.

“Sorry about that. I thought this place was further down.” He turned on his blinker.

Still flustered you nodded, “So is this your car?”

“Cherry? I wish. Nope she’s my dads. It was the only car out and I needed to get here fast.” He chuckled.

“Where the hell were you? I was late to my interview. Wanna know why? Because of you. I just want to you know that when I don’t get that job it’s gonna be on you.” You screamed.

Jonah's face went pale, “y/n calm down. I have reasons.” “Helping your grandma? Please, that's the best you can do?” You interrupted.

“I also got you a coffee,” He help up a starbucks coffee.

You took it gingerly, carefully sipping, “You’re lucky I like all coffee.”

You saw your phone in the cup holder, you pulled Jonah's out of your pocket and switched them back.

Looking at through your notifications you smiled, your instagram hadn’t been touched. As for your messages there was a recent text. The contact read Jonah with a pink heart.

“Woah you assume because you caught me on the subway that I actually fell for you? If I recall there’s nothing going on between us.” You asked.

Jonah looked into your eyes, forgetting that he was driving a $200,000 car, “Yet,” he turned the radio down, “I kinda was planning a really cheesy way to ask you out.”

“Let's hear. How cheesy can it be?” You laughed.

His cheeks went bright pink, “It’s pretty bad. Let's just say it included me dramatically running to you at your school. Something about getting on my knees, offering your phone to you as a token of my loyalty to you if you would go on a date with me.”

You were wheezing, “Oh man. I definitely would’ve said yes. Now, I’m not so sure.”

He pulled over, and put the car in park, “y/n, I don’t know your last name.”

“y/l/n.” You informed him.

“Okay. y/n y/l/n, will you do me the honor of going out on a date with me?” He gave his best puppy dog face.

You took his hand and grasped it tightly, “Jonah?”

“Jonah Richardson.”

“Jonah Richardson it would be my pleasure to go out on a date with you.” You giggled.

Jonah was laughing too. His blonde hair moving everywhere. He looked so precious when he was laughing, not trying to impress anyone. He looked truly content.

“You’re cute when you laugh.”

Jonah looked startled, then he turned into his weird flirty self, “So you do find me attractive?”

“Cute and attractive are very different,” You covered your face hoping to hide your blushing cheeks.

Getting a little too close to your face he smirked, “You’ll find me attractive soon enough.”

You pull back, “I’m harder to impress than you think.”

He took your hand, and intertwined it with his, “Are you free now?”

You blushed, relaxed your hand, and answered, “Yeah.”

Jonah’s smile widened, “Let’s go now then.”

“Go where?” You asked.

He turned onto a street you’d never been on, “On our date, silly.”

You ran your hand through your hair, “Oh.”

Jonah parked and led you to a Mcdonald’s, “I know it’s not very classy, but Mcdonald’s hash browns are the only ones I’ll eat.”

You took his hand, and swung it as you walking into the fast food chain, “Mcdonald’s is perfect.”

You ordered and sat across from from each other.

“So you live in Queens?” You asked.

He took a bite of his hash brown, “Born and raised.”

“Where do you go to school?” You continued.

“I go to a private school part time, my dad wants me to learn the family business. Says it’s more important than a high school diploma.” He shrugged.

You dipped your fry in ketchup, “Family business?”

“Richardson Science and Technology. Ever heard of it?” He asked.

Your mouth dropped, “Your dad owns RST?”

He sipped his milkshake while nodding.

You only knew about the company because you saw Peter reading articles about it in photography, you’d asked him about it. They were some huge corporation that started up not to long ago, it was getting as big as Stark Industries.

“So what do you for fun?” You changed the subject.

“Drive, box, and watch a good movie.” His eyes were wandering.

You looked around to see what he was looking at, everywhere seemed normal.

He brought his attention back to you, “So, y/n what about you?”

You shrugged, “Not much to say. I’m a 16 year old, a Junior at MSST, my mom expects perfection so that’s what I give. I guess?”

Jonah grabbed your hand, and gently kissed your knuckles, “You are perfection.”

The night went on and you learned more about each other, finally Jonah looked at the time.

9:40

“Crap,” He threw his trash in his bag and stood up, “I gotta get you home.”

You followed him and ran out to the car. He took your hand again in the car. You smiled and explained how to get to your apartment.

He parked, opened the door for you, and even walked you up to your apartment.

“So,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “I’ll text you later, if that’s okay.”

You turn the key in the lock., “More than okay,” you turn to face him, “Thanks for the ride home.”

Leaning up you kissed his cheek, “Night.”

He leaned against the doorway, “Good night y/n.”

You closed the door smiling.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tag list: @victorianfatmycroft @laurrenhawker

[mrs-hongs-blog]

Like A Caffeine Rush (Pt. 2)

m e m b e r : LEE JIHOON ;; 

g e n r e : fLUFF ofc <3

 w o r d c o u n t : 1.7k

 i n t r o : A good looking barista who made the best Iced Americano and a pretty law student who spent her time drowning in books in his cafe, a love that blossomed over a cup of coffee. Will they eventually grow to love each other, especially when they have feelings for each other that felt like a caffeine rush?

a / n : ahhh!! i’m sorry this took long, but here you go! i promise i’ll post regularly, i’m working on the requests now, so please be patient! thanks everyone, please like and reblog if you liked it <3

“Wait, so you’re telling me, you have something going on with the school’s hottie barista, Lee Jihoon?!” Your best friend freaked out at the lunch table, causing a few stares. “Okay, you need to shut, UP!” You said, pushing her back down on her seat. “How the hell- Then again I’m not surprised. You’re a hottie yourself, and you visit his café everyday. It was bound to happen. Everyone knows.”

You looked at her, eyes wide open. “What did you mean by that?” It was you turn to freak out now. Your best friend put a spoonful of her salad in her mouth, “Well, we can all see Jihoon staring at you from the counter and you always day-dreaming in his direction.” Seems like your little crush wasn’t really that little and hidden after all.

Still in shock, you felt someone slide strawberry milk infront of you. You looked up and saw Jihoon, his face was tense and he was like his usual self. “Here’s some strawberry milk, don’t starve.” He smirked when you raised your eyebrow. “Don’t worry Mr. Hottie, I am well fed by you looking like a snack.” Jihoon blushed at your words and you guys shared eye contact for awhile before your best friend squeaked.

“Are you serious?! Right in front of my salad?!”

Class was pretty boring, but the butterflies in your stomach just kept you alive and smiling foolishly to yourself. As soon as class ended, you walked down the hallways to the lockers before heading to café and you saw the waitress, Cheryl. She stopped you in your tracks, “How did last night go?” You smiled and told her everything, including his kiss on your cheek.

“Ah, Jihoon knew how to hit it off well. Lucky you!” She smiled before waving you goodbye. You continued walking to your locker and put all your unnecessary books in the locker, touching up on your makeup and perfume. “Hey! Iced Americano!” You turned around to see Jihoon. He was wearing a sweater, bag slinged on one shoulder.

You smiled and as you were going to close your locker, someone closed it for you. “Hi princess.” You looked at the who it was and turns out, it was your childhood friend, Daniel. “Oh my gosh! Daniel! It’s been so long!” You jumped to hug him, in which he returned. You guys pulled away afterawhile and he smiled, so did you.

“Are you officially enrolled here?” You squeaked and he nodded before you smiled even wider. “Now, I’ll never be away from my princess!” You guys laughed and you remembered Jihoon. “Oh! Listen, I’ll catch up soon. I have to go study at the café.” He nodded, “By the way, Tiffany stays in the same block as you.” You smiled, the three of you were inseperable when you guys were young before Tiffany moved away when you guys were in middle school, with Daniel following towards the end of high school.

Although you guys always texted in the group chat, Daniel and Tiffany got together officially 2 summers back, and you are happy for the both of them. “It feels nice that we’re reunited again. I should see if I can room with Tiff but, catch up later.” Daniel nodded before you guys separated and you walking to Jihoon.

“Hi Coffee Prince! Sorry to keep you-“ “Who was that? Princess?” Jihoon looked at you with a semi-pissed and semi-upset face, was he jealous? You laughed at his jealous face, “That was my childhood friend, we grew up together before he moved away a few years ago. I was shocked to see him.”

“But why princess? Are you guys together?” You shook your head, “When we were young, I used to be the only girl at the playground so I was the princess and he was my servant! The name always stuck though.” He nodded before returning to silence. I smiled quietly, “You’re my prince though.”

You mumbled quietly but he heard it, cheeks flushed red and walking into the café counter. “I’m going to go first.” I nodded and Cheryl just smiled at Jihoon walking away and looked at you. “Get a room you two.” You laughed and walked to take a seat as usual, before ordering an Iced Americano.

You were studying for the past few hours and as the sky grew darker, the lesser the amount of people in the café. You looked up to see the Council President sitting infront of the counter, a few tables from you. You always knew she was beautiful, but she really looked like a goddess.

You see Jihoon take off his apron and leave the counter with 2 drinks. You guys made eye contact, and you feel blood flush to your cheeks as he approached. Unfortunately, he was stopped by the Council President, Adriana, I think it was her name.

She smiled at him and said something, winking to him and sliding a piece of paper to him. Jihoon looked at her, and you were 100% sure her was going to sit down with her and ditch you. Instead, he picked up the piece of paper, crushing it emotionlessly and walking towards you. You gasped and the shock on her face was pretty evident and you could see Cheryl laughing from your side eye.

“Jihoon! Why did you do that?” You asked, quietly in shock. He calmly pulled a chair nearby to your table and sitting down, giving you the drink before sipping his own. “That? She acted like a whore, throwing herself on me and giving me her number. She’s too easy.”  Your eyes widened at what he said and your stomach churned.

Too easy? Of course, with his godly looks, any girl would pounce on him the chance they get. Was he just with you for the challenge because you were different? You were deep in over-thinking before he snapped you back to reality.

“Stop it.” He said, sternly, sipping on his drink. You raised a brow, confused. “You’re over-thinking. I’m not with you because you are hard to get. I genuinely like you.” It was as if he read your mind and you sighed before it got to you, WAIT WHAT?! He liked you? Did he just confess?

“I’m going to leave if you stare in blank air.” You apologized and he watched over youstudying for your next major test. “Do you need a ride back?” He asked, breaking the silence and you looked up to him, eyes batting. “Is that fine with you or is it inconvenient?” He shook his head gently, smirking.

 “I would gladly send you home every night, and only I should be able to do that.” You blushed to his possessiveness, this man will be the end of you.  You nodded silently, “So it’s settle, I’m sending you home everyday.” Before you could disagree, he stood up and walked back to the counter.

If only he knew how crazy he drove you.

Before you knew it, the café closed and you were the only one left. You packed everything into a bag and grabbed a cloth to help wipe down the tables. “Hey. That’s my job!” Cheryl shouted cheerfully form the counter, both of you breaking out in laughter, while you continued wiping the table down.

“You are unbelievable. First, you took away my son, now you’re robbing me of my jobs? I’m going to faint!” She says, the back of her hand on her forehead, as if she’s fainting. Jihoon walked out of the kitchen, looking at the both of us and our ridiculous antics. I wondered how stupid we looked.

The both of you laughed before continuing, and soon, Cheryl left, leaving you to wait by the door for Jihoon. “Ready?” He asked and you took a sharp breath. He looked so bloody good in his black shit, grey jacket and grey sweats. You nodded and followed behind him to his car.

The ride was silent, not awkward but pleasant and the music made up for it. Halfway through the ride, He put his free hand on your thigh, and would occasionally squeeze it. It was almost as if he was reassuring you that he was there, by your side.

He pulled into the parking lot and snatched your mountain of books from you before alighting, and you followed. He easily carried the books with one hand, but you were not surprised, considering his relatively buff arms. You ran next to him, and slid your hands in it and he took a sharp breath before interlocking it.

You guys walked sweetly to your dorm, but were stopped on the way by Daniel. “Daniel? Are you a girl now, why are you here?” You guys laughed and you were about to hug him, before Jihoon tightened his grip, making you stay by his side. Daniel looked down at your hands and nodded, smirking. He was about to say something before someone ran up to him.

“Babe! Here you go! Sorry I forgot.” You opened your eyes and the both of your squeaked. “Tiffany! It has been long.” You both chirped away, before you remembered Jihoon being there. “Oh, catch up next time okay? I’ll try to ask if they let me room with you.” She nodded, before she grabbed Daniel’s hand and walking away, you doing the same.

The walk back was silent again, definitely not uncomfortable though. Holding hands sweetly, and as usual he came in to put your books on your table. “Thank you, for sending me home again.” You smiled and he just rolled your eyes. “This is the last time you’re going to thank me for sending you home, because I’m going to do this all the time.”

You guys shared eye contact, breaking into giggles. “But really, Thank you.” You said once more, Jihoon sighed. “That’s it.” He swept you off your feet and threw you on your bed, you squealing. “Stop it silly!” He kept tickling you, but you cut him off by pulling him into a kiss.

The kiss was gentle, but passionate. You both pulled away shortly after, catching your breaths. He held your face against his palm, “Finally, I have the whole universe in my palms.” You blushed and swatted his hand away, him laughing.

He pulled you into a hug, chin resting on the top of your head. “You are mine, do you hear me? You are my princess, and only mine to love. I’m selfish, but I want you all to myself, you hear me?” You blushed, hiding in his chest before nodding.

Part 1 — Part 2

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence