#am I gonna write it we’ll see but my delirious brain was coming up with bangers

[hangmanbradshaw]

I had a delirious half awake half asleep fic idea I came up with on the plane 🫣 it was uh…angsty.

I wonder how many ideas this trip is gonna spark (sorry for vacay posting it will continue)

[residentlesbrarian]

The Fourth Book I Read In the Dark: Of Expectations and Other Relatabilities

Of Gryphons and Other Monsters by Shannon McGee

Hey, guys, sooooo...this is aaaawwwkward. I wrote 95% of this review when I wrote the other Books I Read in the Dark series for the blog, but the ADHD hit me and COVID was still you know...a thing! So I am gonna post this review, finished of course, OH, but also pay extra close attention to the conclusion alright! Hmm...this is a bit like a time capsule...here are my concentrated thoughts from 6 months ago while I was slightly delirious on books and darkness. So go forth and uh yeah this one is...you can just feel the feral “I haven’t had access to proper internet so I’ve been curled in the corner like Gollum with my books” energy coming off it so...enjoy?

Okay, so yeah, I really didn’t have a reason to end my last review that way I just wanted to, so sue me for injecting a little excitement into a series of posts about me literally sitting in my house reading nonstop for 2 ½ days, my reviews my rules. Back to manufacturing my own excitement shall we!

It’s Day 2! I’ve just finished my last library book, whatever will I do! I could always reread The Neverending Story for the 1,273rd time, but I have a need. A need for GAY! I rack my brain, there has to be a solution. My town is without power, my local library won’t be open, but then it hits me. It’s so simple! It’s meant to be really! Like the universe knew this was coming and it made sure I was prepared! Like a prepper stockpiling mental SPAM for my stimulus needing ADHD riddled brain! I have an entire shelf of books that I haven’t read yet! Way back in Clexacon 2019 my best friend (Lookin at you @justalifelongphase) gave me way too much money from missed birthdays and Christmases all at once before the con started because the world has deemed it impossible for us to live geographically close to one another. Anyway, I went a little book-buying-crazy and have not had the time or opportunity to read any of them since then. Their time has finally come!

I figured after going full whimsy with The Lost Coast and sci-fi superhero with Dreadnought and Sovereign why not take a dip into more traditional fantasy, also this one was first in line on the shelf, yay for not having to actually make a decision! No more dawdling, let's get right into the review!

Unicorn Rating:

Blurb: Taryn always loves and hates gryphon season. She finds the lesser gryphons more cute than anything but the ever present fear that a greater gryphon might be just out of sight is terrifying, and this gryphon season proves to be the one that will change her and her families lives forever! Just let a girl herd her sheep in peace!

Disclaimer: I will try my best to not spoil anything from the book, but my book loving rambles may give more away than a traditional review. Here we go! Ramble time!

Review:

I genuinely enjoyed this book. It took me a bit longer to get through it than the others, but I think that was a combination of three things: A. I was starting to feel the fatigue of reading so much in such a short amount of time. B. Our local Wal Mart had power restored on Day 3 and our entire household went on a trip to buy non-perishable food stuffs and I was like a solitary confinement prisoner being let out into the yard for the first time in months when my phone picked up a wifi signal and it was a bit hard to get back into the swing of reading after talking to other humans, even virtually, that weren’t imaginary or in my head. C. Our power was finally restored on the afternoon of Day 3 so yet again I was inundated with the draw of technology and all of my friend-os I hadn’t talked to, but the book had drawn me in enough I did the most unmillienial thing and left my phone in a different room to charge while I finished this book before going back to the land of technology and interwebs. That should tell you something.

McGee was able to write this story in a way that pulls you in so you care about what happens to these characters and this little mountain town. You learn just enough about the world to understand where they fit within the overall weave of it, but you aren’t given a Tolkein-esc dissertation on the world lore. I felt the worries and the fears. I was concerned when the routines had to change. I mean she made me care about the freaking sheep! Sheep, people! One of the reasons I think this works so well is we are so firmly rooted in the head of our protagonist, Taryn. Imma use that lovely bridge I just built to skip right on over the plot section of the review to get to the characters first, don’t worry we’ll circle back round to the plot. I always do, but I just wanna talk about my newest set of brain babies.

Taryn is a character that, if the title of this post is anything to go by, I found very very relatable. Now I know relatability can be pretty subjective, some people can latch onto something with the all consuming, “It me!” While others just stare on dead eyed not understanding the appeal. I feel like Taryn could be that kind of protagonist. You are either going to really relate to her or you won’t understand where she is coming from at all. I obviously fall in the former category. I was the quintessential middle child, still am really, though my relationship with my parents has shifted now that I’m an adult. More mutual respect and friendship than parent to child. I always did my best to pick up the slack, if ever there was any, and just tried my best to be as little of a burden as possible to my parents. I see so much of that aspect of myself in Taryn and how she sees her place at the farm and even in the town, she has her place and her role, but those expectations are heavy. One of those expectations being that she will inevitably get married and help take over the farm from her parents and have kids to continue the line. The fact she finds the lesser gryphons that flock near the farm far cuter than any of the local boys that she will eventually have to choose from to fulfill that inevitable expectation is just...sad at best and down right tragic at worst. And her family doesn’t help matters either. They won’t let her forget that she will have to settle down with one of these local boys, a boy who would make a good husband and take good care of her and the farm. She knows that, logically, but she also wants to be in love, like her parents, and she just doesn’t feel like that for any of the boys in town. She doesn’t know how to make those two things line up. It’s a struggle between her head, the obligation of what she has to do, and her heart, what she really wants for her future, to be happy in doing what she has to do. Wow, I went off a little bit there, but this was my long winded way of saying I have never read a protagonist that really captured the utter confusion of being raised in a heteronormative environment without it being drenched in internalized homophobia and fear. Protagonists like this seem to always know something is off but just don’t have the words for it so they just hide it because they know it’s “different” and out of the norm, but Taryn is just livin’ her sheep herding life and ain’t got no time for these boy crazy fools. She knows her mom wants her to find a good boy to court her so she can marry someday but she’s still young. She’ll think about that tomorrow, and she just repeats that ad infinitum. The thought that maybe she doesn’t fancy any of the boys because well...girls...never even occurred to her. It's not how things are done in this small mountain town, not because of homophobia reasons, but just stubborn tradition reasons. We are even told there is a gay couple living in town who are staples in the overall dynamics in town, instrumental even, but the idea of having a lineage, being able to pass your land down is so ingrained no wonder poor Taryn was so in the dark about her own probable gayness till it slapped her in the face. As someone who was raised in a medium sized Oklahoma town...girl I feel you. I was 22 and in the middle of Appalacia, way up in the mountains for college when my gay awakening popped up and said “Hello!” Everything that never quite made sense in my life came into perfect clarity. Not quite what happened with Taryn, but the arrival of Aella surely helped, as pretty girls are want to do. Oh look a segue, good, cause I could talk about Taryn for literal hours and I’ve already gabbed about her too much for this review.

Aella, you smooth motherfucker. Like I wish I could possess a quarter of the smoothness that you do. Like I’m lucky to string sentences together around a pretty girl, but here you are just strutting about being the smoothest of smooth. Honestly, I just...I can’t with you Aella. On a serious note though Aella is a character that served as showing Taryn a glimpse at the world beyond her small mountain town, as much as she had no desire to leave, unlike her brother. Nope, sit down, we’ll get to you, Michael! Oh, we’ll get to you. She’s traveled and has stories from all over and she is fairly open about the fact that she only likes girls, but she doesn’t have land, responsibilities, and a family line to continue. She just gets to live her life the way she choses. And y’all know I am a sap for the hard dark characters that are totally softies underneath that rough exterior. I think Aella was a great foil to Taryn and great at showing her what she could have if she was willing to leave, to stretch what she was allowed to wish for, but of course the biggest issue with her wishing for anything was...Michael.

Michael was such an interesting character. I loved him. I hated him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to punch him. Again as with the town and the people of the town I was so deep seated in Taryn’s head and feelings that her conflicted feelings about Michael and how he was acting became my feelings on the matter. Not enough to not separate a tad and see what was coming or at least try to predict it as I always do when reading, but emotionally I was right with Taryn the whole way. The one thing that really pushed Michael from just a character I was conflicted about to one I really wanna give a swift kick in the nads to, is that he knew. He knew all about Taryn’s absolute lack of romantic inclinations toward any of the boys in town and her doubts that she would ever find someone to love and marry to take over the farm. He was the only person she confided these fears in and he still selfishly followed his own pursuits with little regard to her or her worries. You sir, are a terrible brother and overall a shit human, so sit your ass down and shut your mouth.

The plot for this book was so embroiled with the characters and their journeys that I can’t talk on it much but the twists at the end and the final climax was very satisfying for me and left me excited to dig into the next book. Also something of note that I didn’t talk about in the character section cause I felt it was dragging on a touch, I really only talked in depth on our three biggest players but there is a very colorful cast of side characters ranging from Taryn’s nervous pony to the boy-who-cried-gryphon neighbor no one can stand to the troupe of hunters led by Aella’s mother to Taryn’s best friend Nia, all of whom play important parts in building that sense of caring about the people of this town and the town itself, which in turn made me deeply care about the outcome of the plot at the heart of the story. And the sheep! The god damn sheep!

One thing I do want to say before my final thoughts is that whoever designed the cover of this book in a genius because as I dug into the story I found myself constantly closing it to spout off about theories of what I thought was happening on the cover and what it all meant, I was kind of reader fatigue delirious for most of those theories but some of them I was right! I might have reenacted the Captain Holt “Vindication” gif IRL just because it felt too good not to. I just love when a “cool” cover turns out to be so much more than that once you’re “in the know”. So yeah, now y’all know to pay attention for that.

My final thoughts on this book are pretty positive. I can tell the author is building us toward so much more, hence the name of the series, Taryn’s Journey, and it feels like it. This is only the beginning and I honestly can’t wait to take the next steps with her.

Queer Wrap-up:

Hey it’s me from the future...present...whatever...so, this is when I stopped writing the review six months ago and there is a reason for that. I, kind of, agonized over what to rate this book on the scale. Multiple times having to call my brother and go back and forth just to then repeat the same arguments with myself as soon as I got off the phone. Now why was this such a hard terrible no good awful back and forth well...SPOILER WARNING...seriously anything past this point will be spoiling some character beats for the majority of the book...okay? We understand one another. DANGER ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE...or you know scroll on.

So, Taryn is never confirmed to be queer in the text of this book. Now you would have to be wearing the tightest hetero goggles in known history not to see the heavy HEAVY subtext saying THIS BITCH GAY! It’s basically a full grown elephant painted sparkly rainbow trying to hide behind a dead shrub aka not hiding at all. I so desperately wanted to give this book four of those darling unicorns but in this rare case I just don’t think I can justify it. We have a protagonist that is still figuring herself out, which is amazing that we get to see that and go on the journey with her. Some of the things Taryn does and thinks are queer coded as hell, especially if it involves Aella who is explicitly gay on the page, but Taryn herself never express whether she herself is queer. Which, fair, other really important and traumatizing things were going on and I love that about her as a character, she didn’t meet Aella and suddenly that was all she could think about. Aella, of course, is representation who I’m counting because even though she shows obvious interest (you smooth motherfucker) in Taryn she is so much more than just a love interest and her character isn’t just boiled down to her sexuality. Now in this wrap up I’m also including the doctor and his husband in the town. They are very minor characters but they give us interesting insights into the town and the people. They are accepted and treated well in town even if some do almost, pity isn’t the right word, but they seem sad that they won’t be able to have any kind of legacy or lineage. As I said in the review it’s not homophobia it’s being stuck in your ways and it’s an interesting take.

Links:

Shannon McGee Website

The Storygraph

Okay so this one is a bit of a mess. Pieces of it were written 6 months apart and most of it was written while I was kind of delirious but hey at least I can say it’s honest. I still stand by everything my past self wrote and I still really enjoy thinking and talking about this book and am excited for whenever I get around to reading the sequel to continue on Tayrn’s journey with her. This is a book I probably would never have known even existed without ClexaCon and trolling through artist alley for literally every table that had books on them. I guess, moral of the day is maybe you won’t just find great books on library shelves but on unassuming convention tables too and it never hurts to look. Trust me, I’m a lesbrarian.

Oh bet you thought this post was over. I did the sign off and everything but oh no no! I have some info and such to impart. I am WELL AWARE these reviews have been fairly inconsistent to down right sporadic. Well, this is just a little info dump letting you guys know I am gonna be putting up one more review after this one that I wrote ages ago and I mean AGES (think years, as in multiple) and just never got around to posting and then the old blog is probably gonna be going through a PLANNED dormancy while some pretty big stuff is coming down the pike. You may notice visual changes and other stuff before anything else is announced but just keep an eye out. To quote the Fates from Hercules, “It’s gonna be big!”

Okay now for the actual sign off, I got shit to do! No one look behind the curtain, it’s a surprise!

[searchingwardrobes]

Start of Time: 2/?

Here it is finally, the second chapter of this fic!! Sorry it’s taken me so long to get this up, @teamhook ! I also have no idea how long this is going to be. Looking at my outline, it should be at least six chapters.

Remember that Emma can’t remember her name in this, so Emma is just “she” at first in this chapter, then “Wendy” later on. (You’ll see why once you read the chapter). I won’t lie, writing a story in which Emma can’t remember her name and no one else knows it either has been a big challenge. Hopefully I wrote it a way everyone can follow!

Rating: T

Trigger warning: Alice Jones appears in this but is Killian’s adopted daughter with Milah, and so is Henry. Henry has no relation to Emma in this. There is also positive past Millian.

Also on Ao3 and part of my Fandom Birthday Playlist.

Tagging the usuals: @snowbellewells​ @teamhook​ @kmomof4​ @let-it-raines​@whimsicallyenchantedrose​ @xhookswenchx​ @jennjenn615​ @kday426​ @welllpthisishappening​ @wellhellotragic​ @winterbaby89​ @stahlop​ @spartanguard​ @shireness-says​ @scientificapricot​ @xhookswenchx​ @distant-rose​ @delirious-latenight-laughs​ @resident-of-storybrooke​ @vvbooklady1256​ @thislassishooked​ @bethacaciakay​ @hollyethecurious​ @nikkiemms​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @optomisticgirl​ @profdanglaisstuff​ @branlovestowrite​ @tiganasummertree​ @snidgetsafan​ 

I'm an atom in a sea of nothing

Looking for another to combine

Maybe we could be the start of something

Be together at the start of time

When she awoke again, the sun shone brightly through the curtains. She struggled to sit up, her mouth dry and tasting of cotton. Her head still ached, but it no longer throbbed. How long had she slept? Was the sun this bright when she woke up before? She heard sounds outside her door as she swung herself slowly around and stood up. The room spun a bit, but once she took a few deep breaths, she was able to walk across the room easily enough. Her clothes were folded neatly on top of a white dresser, and she made quick work of changing out of the pajamas. The fabric was warm and smelled of fabric softener - someone had washed them.

Speaking of washing, she suddenly realized how greasy her hair was. She could actually smell her own body odor, which was never good. It made her wonder again just how long she had been asleep. A shower would be nice, but she wasn’t about to ask such a thing of complete strangers. They had been kind, she understood that, but she couldn’t stay here any longer.

When she exited her door, she was struck by the quaint log cabin style of the home. Her bedroom was at the end of an open hallway that looked out over a great room with high beamed ceilings of exposed wood. On the other side of a stone fireplace, she could see the dark haired man named Killian at the stove in the kitchen.

She made her way quickly down the stairs and through the living area. She paused at the threshold of the kitchen, and when she did, the family’s chattering stopped abruptly. Little Alice sat at the kitchen island spreading jam on toast. A boy with dark hair just a shade lighter than Killian’s stood by the sink pouring glasses of orange juice. A woman with a dark pixie cut stood with mouth agape clutching a fistfull of silverware. For some reason, the domestic scene made a lump rise in her throat.

“You’re up!” Killian exclaimed with a wide grin. He lifted the pan of scrambled eggs he was stirring. “Would you like some breakfast?”

“Um, no thank you,” she replied nervously. “I um . . . I thank you and your wife for everything you’ve done -”

The woman interrupted her with an exuberant laugh. “Oh no, I’m not his wife. My husband David and Killian are best friends. Killian was delivering a foal at our farm last night, so I came over to babysit Alice.”

“I am not a baby,” protested Alice with a pout that said otherwise.

“Excuse me,” the woman corrected with a pointed smile at the little girl, “I was having girl time with Alice, my favorite seven year old.”

Alice tilted her chin with satisfaction than started slathering jam on another piece of toast.

“I’m Mary Margaret,” the woman said as she turned her attention back to their visitor. She extended her hand.

“I - um, that is, I . . .” Shit! What was the social protocol when you didn’t remember your own damn name?

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Mary Margaret exclaimed snatching her hand back. “I forgot.”

“Sooo, what are you doing here if you two aren’t married? At breakfast?” She shook her head and rubbed her temple. Why was she still talking? “Um, I’m sorry. How long have I been asleep?”

All four of the people before her spoke at once, but only Mary Margaret’s words penetrated her brain.

“Awhile.”

“You slept forever!”

“I was worried you were dead!”

“Oh honey, we’re snowed in.”

She shook her head as she tried to comprehend Mary Margaret’s words. “Um, okay, that’s a problem, I know, but I can’t stay here. I mean, I don’t . . . that is to say . . . I’m just, um, gonna go, okay?”

She inched her way backwards towards the front door as she spoke, stumbling once over a toy lightsaber. Killian rushed forward, and that only made her dart for the door faster.

“We really are snowed in, love,” Killian insisted as she reached for the doorknob.

“Well, I’ll just walk to the nearest town, or -” her words ended abruptly as she opened the door to a wall of white. The snow was packed in hard, letting in not a trace of light, yet the snow on the threshold had melted enough to tumble inside over her feet. She let out a gasp as the cold seeped through the leather of her thin, stylish boots.

“I told you we were snowed in,” Killian told her with a lopsided grin and a sparkle in his eyes.

She sheepishly tried to kick the loose snow back outside, amazed that he wasn’t at least irritated with her. Shoving the door shut was something else entirely, and it took both of them to get it done.

Hands shaking, she made her way over to a cozy armchair angled towards the roaring fire. She stared at the flames as fear clawed at her chest. Killian came over and sat on the edge of the wide hearth, tilting his head a bit so he could look into her eyes.

“I know you’re confused and frightened, but I promise you you’re safe here. We’ve got plenty of firewood and food, even a generator if the power goes out -”

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” she whispered.

He nodded in understanding. “We’re strangers, and I can’t imagine how terrifying this all must be. I know it takes trust to believe this, but we really just want to help you and make you feel at home.”

She glanced up to see Mary Margaret perched on the arm of the chair, smiling down at her encouragingly. Alice sat down next to her father, and he put his arm around the little girl and brushed a kiss to the top of her head. Surely a man with such obvious affection for his daughter couldn’t be dangerous. Right?

The boy stood a bit shyly behind Alice and Killian, shuffling his feet a bit before stepping forward to offer her his hand. “You were passed out when you met me in the truck. I’m Henry.”

She merely nodded as she took the child’s hand, still not sure how to respond with no memory of who she was.

“That does it!” Mary Margaret exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “We have to call you something. You sure you don’t know your name?”

She scrunched her face up, thinking as hard as she could, but all she could come up with was darkness, snow, and pain. She bit her lip as she shook her head in the negative.

Mary Margaret shrugged. “So we give you a name!”

Killian narrowed his eyes at his friend. “MM, we can’t just name her like she’s our pet.”

“Why not?” Mary Margaret shot back. “Alice doesn’t have a creature in this place for more than five minutes without it having a name.”

“I have a white rabbit named Tick Tock,” Alice told her eagerly, “and a turtle named Mossy, and a frog named Prince, and two goldfish -”

“You can introduce her to your menagerie later, Starfish,” Killian chuckled as he ruffled Alice’s hair.”

“We can pick a name from one of our favorite books!” Henry exclaimed. “Alice is already taken, but what do you think of Lucy like the Narnia books?”

She wrinkled her nose.

“Fern like in Charlotte’s Web?” Alice suggested.

“Fern!” Henry exclaimed. “Seriously? Charlotte would be better!”

“Charlotte is a spider,” Alice shot back before sticking her tongue out at her brother.

“What about Wendy?” Killian asked.

“Dad’s favorite is Peter Pan,” Henry explained.

“Yeah, but he like’s Hook best, not Peter,” put in Alice.

“Hey!” Killian chuckled, poking each of his children playfully in the tummy. “Hook is just misunderstood.”

She narrowed her eyes. Wendy . . . “That name sounds familiar,” she told them softly.

Killian smiled at her. “Perhaps because it’s yours?”

“Or maybe it’s someone you know?” Mary Margaret put in helpfully.

She shook her head, frustrated. Every time she thought of the name Wendy, it was as if she were squinting into the fog, trying to make out a figure in the distance.

“I don’t know!”

“It’s okay,” Mary Margaret said gently, patting her hand, “it will come to you, I’m sure of it.”

“And we’ll get the doctor out here just as soon as the weather clears enough for the snow mobiles,” Killian added, “as well as the sheriff. I’m sure someone you love is looking for you.”

She nodded and attempted to give him a small smile.

“So, are we gonna call her Wendy or what?” Henry asked.

“Don’t be so rude!” Alice yelled.

“I’m not!”

“Get along, please,” Killian admonished, and she couldn’t help but smile at the bickering siblings and their father’s resulting exasperation.

“It’s okay,” she told them, “it will be nice to have a name, even a temporary one.”

“So . . . “ Killian prompted with arched brows.

“So, Wendy it is!”

A wide smile filled her face despite her circumstances as the four people around her cheered. If she were snowed in, there were worse places she could be. And if she had to join a temporary family, this seemed like a pretty happy one to stumble upon.

*************************************************

The strong scent of cedar filled Killian’s senses as he opened the long forgotten trunk shoved into the far reaches of his walk in closet. He closed his eyes briefly, letting the woodsy aroma wash over him. Not only would the cedar have protected the clothing inside, it would also have eradicated the scent of the former owner. He could do this.

Killian opened his eyes and looked down at the sweaters and leggings that Milah once wore. He lifted one of deep purple from the trunk and pressed it to his face. All he could smell was the cedar. Not the lingering scent of the citrusy shampoo Milah had preferred nor the hazelnut creamer she always used in her coffee. Surprisingly, it didn’t make him sad. Instead, he was relieved. Relieved that her scent no longer clung to the clothing but also relieved that he still remembered details about her. He would never be able to forget her, and the truth of that finally brought him comfort after four long years.

He rose from the floor of the closet with a pile of clothes in his arms and made his way down the hall to Alice’s bedroom. He hated that Wendy had to use his daughter’s room, but Mary Margaret was already set up in the guest room. He also hated that Alice was sharing his bed. The girl was a cuddler who hogged the bed, and Killian was simply exhausted after two nights of sleeping on the very edge of the mattress.

Killian knocked on the door, but there was no answer. However, he could hear the shower running from the jack and jill bath that Alice shared with her brother. He eased the door open, calling out that he had the clothes he had promised. There was no answer, though he did hear a voice drifting from the bathroom. The voice was singing.

Killian let the door swing open and couldn’t help stepping into the room, mesmerized by the voice. Wendy was belting out The Pretenders “Brass in Pocket” with the powerful voice of a rock star. He drew closer to the sound as if he were a sailor and she was a siren calling out to him. As he rounded the bed, however, he fumbled and dropped the clothes in his hands. Wendy had left the door to the bathroom half open, and through it he could see into the bathroom. He spun away quickly, not wanting to be a voyeur, but he wasn’t fast enough to miss the silhouette of Wendy’s figure through the frosted glass of the shower door. He fumbled again as he picked up the clothes and set them on the bed. They now looked like Henry had folded them, but he didn’t care. He rushed from the room before Wendy caught him and thought he was a peeping tom.

He shut the bedroom door quietly behind him and sagged against it, his heart pounding like a teenager. Yes, four long years. Four long years since Milah passed. Four long years since a woman had been living in this house. Killian drew in several deep breaths and ran his hand wearily down his face. He had to get a grip! Wendy needed his help. This was no time to become sexually attracted to her. She had been through something traumatic to leave her wandering injured on a remote snowy road. She had amnesia and was understandably frightened and confused.

Mentally listing all the reasons he couldn’t be attracted to her helped his blood cool considerably. Besides, he had made a vow to Milah when she was sick that he would make fatherhood his highest priority. Making sure Henry and Alice were happy and thriving left little time for anything else. Hadn’t that been made abundantly clear after that disastrous blind date he’d let Mary Margaret set him up on?

Wendy had a life somewhere to get back to, and he had his kids to think about. He wouldn’t let her sultry voice, inviting curves, or golden hair distract him from those two hard, cold facts.

[xxx-cat-xxx]

Ayy I am here with a request!! One of my favorites of your fics is the one where Tony, Clint, and Bruce are all in a safe house and can't leave and Tony has a stomach bug. I LOVE that setting. Would you be interested in writing another fic that takes place there? Maybe someone is on a mission with Tony and he starts to not feel well so they try to find a place to rest and by the time they get there, he's barely conscious? :O

Thank you for the prompt, dear! I decided to simply write a second chapter for that fic. I hope you feel better soon with your new meds and all

This is mostly whump and Avengers family fluff and banter. TW for illness and vomiting. Major thanks to @whumphoarder​ for beta reading.

___________

Safe (Chapter 2)

Read chapter 1 here. 

The thing is, none of the Avengers consider themselves particularly lucky. Brilliant, strong, heroic? Yes, without question. Happy? Not nearly often enough, but it has happened occasionally. Lucky? Not a chance.

So, maybe, Bruce thinks later, maybe they should have seen it coming. 

He’s jerked awake by Clint’s command of “Move! Let’s go, get up, come on, we need to go, now!” and for a moment he’s gripped by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. But Clint isn’t delirious; he is as serious as Bruce has ever seen him, so Bruce complies with the orders before his brain is even fully awake. 

The two of them drag Tony to his feet and into the bedroom, and then Clint shatters the window - a bit dramatically, but really, what else to expect from a former circus kid? They jump through, landing in varying states of (non)-elegance, and make a run for it. 

Five seconds later, the house blows up. 

“What the hell -?” Tony stops dead in his tracks to look at his friends with a baffled expression. “‘s this another fever dream or did someone actually just try to kill us?”

“Oh, it’s quite real,” Clint replies casually, picking an ember from his hair with a peace of mind Bruce can only envy. “I saw their van approaching through the window. That gave us a head start - otherwise we’d be toast. Now save your breath and move.”

Tony starts to jog again with visible effort, but of course he keeps talking. “So - just to make this clear” - he interrupts himself to drag in a breath, sweat beading on his brow despite the fact that it’s been barely a minute - “your so-called ‘safe house’ is now a heap of burning ash. Call me a stickler, but I have to say that makes it a very unsafe house.”

Clint just rolls his eyes and then grabs Tony by the elbow when he almost trips over his own feet. The archer turns his head back to Bruce, who is following them close behind. “You okay?”

Bruce is wondering what about escaping death by a five-second margin could possibly make him feel “okay”, but he knows what Clint is really asking about. Bruce is scared, which means that the Hulk is actively stirring in the back of his mind, but so far he is able to keep him under control. He makes a so-so gesture with his hand before asking, “Where are we going?”

“To take cover in the woods.” Clint points at the forest a few hundred yards away. “Under different circumstances, I would fight, but we don’t have any weapons on us and this isn’t ideal…” He nods at Tony, who is now visibly having a hard time keeping up. Bruce’s stomach clenches in worry; with a fever like that, Tony shouldn’t even be on his feet, let alone running around in the open. But it’s not like they have much of a choice.

They barely make it to the treeline when Tony suddenly stops and doubles over. He braces himself against a tree and heaves, a slim stream of vomit splattering onto the ground.

“How bad is it?” Bruce asks. His vision is shimmering green by now and he blinks nervously before massaging the pressure points on the inside of his wrists in an effort to calm himself down.

Tony coughs wetly and spits onto the ground before wiping his mouth. “I’ve been worse,” he says in a weak attempt at being reassuring. “Just, break?”

Bruce looks at Clint, who nods. They barely manage to rest for two minutes before a bullet whips past them, hitting the tree Tony was just leaning against. 

“Fuck,” Clint curses, his nonchalance replaced by alertness. “Looks like they’re coming after us -” 

The rest of his words are drowned out by a growing ringing in Bruce’s ears. There’s the familiar sensation of his limbs tingling, pulsating, swelling. He can feel his thoughts slipping away, being replaced by much simpler ones. 

“No Bruce! Not now, don’t -”

But it’s too late. Danger, friends in danger, his mind screams, and that’s all it takes. 

The Hulk emerges from the forest with a roar.

*

When Bruce comes back to himself, it’s with dizziness, exhaustion, and a sense of nausea, but also with the remnants of satisfaction in the back of his mind telling him that Hulk has sufficiently taken care of the bad guys. 

He is naked, of course. Naked and alone and cold, somewhere in a forest in the middle of nowhere (and then people ask him why he dislikes his alter ego). With a sigh, he makes it to his knees, feeling shaky and lightheaded. 

“Hello?” he calls hoarsely, and then, louder, “Tony? Clint?”

It takes him twenty minutes of walking in a random direction that he keeps telling himself is the way out of the woods until someone starts answering his calls, and another fifteen until he finds Clint and Tony in a small clearing that is being illuminated by the last rays of daylight. To Bruce’s surprise, they made it quite far into the forest; he wonders what Clint had to do to make Tony walk this much. 

Tony is sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree, while Clint is balancing somewhere high up in the branches, likely keeping a lookout. When Bruce approaches the clearing, the archer jumps down with an agility that makes Bruce wonder whether they should give him a different nickname. Monkey-legs instead of Hawkeye, for example.

“Hey, Big Green,” Tony greets with an enthusiasm that can’t hide the weariness in his tone. “Or should I say Little White now?” 

“Ha ha. Very funny.” Bruce can’t even muster a grin. “Um, by any chance, do we have some spare clothes here?”

And that’s the thing about friends. They’ll tease and poke you endlessly, they’ll embarrass you without limit, but when it comes down to it, they will give you the shirt off their back without making a big deal out of it. Quite literally, because two minutes later, Bruce is wearing Clint’s jeans and button-down, while Tony is giggling into his palm, unable to tear his eyes off Clint’s colourful boxers, which are decorated with a pattern of bows and arrows (“It was a gift from Lila, dude. Now shut up, or I’ll take off your pants.”)

This time Tony obliges, but mostly because they haul him to his feet a few seconds later and his face completely drains of colour. Reeling, he squeezes his eyes shut and grasps blindly for something to hold on to. Clint and Bruce jump to support him from either side, exchanging a worried look over his head. 

“Let’s just get back to the safehouse, alright?” Clint says to Tony. “We’ll find a way to contact the others and then we’ll take you to a hospital.”

Tony nods and takes a deep breath before opening his eyes. “Okay,” he exhales. 

They make their way back very, very slowly. Bruce is shaky and nauseous himself, his body still trying to adjust to the sudden shift back to human form, but he can’t imagine how Tony must be feeling with the fever burning him inside-out. And that’s not even to mention the dehydration and tanking blood sugar he must be experiencing. The engineer is unusually quiet and visibly dizzy. Most of his weight is resting on Clint and Bruce, but he keeps tripping over roots and fallen branches.

They’ve just made it out of the forest and can already see smoke climbing in the sky when Tony suddenly sags into Bruce. “I really don’t feel well.” His voice is almost indiscernible. “I might - I, I think I’m gonna pass out.”

“We’re nearly there,” Bruce reassures, his heart beating fast in his chest. “Can you see the light?”

“I see lights everywhere,” Tony moans, still stumbling along. “Fine, but if I conk out, don’t leave me here to be eaten by wolves.”

“There are hardly any wolves in Arkansas,” Clint points out, but even he looks concerned. 

*

Tony is barely conscious by the time they reach what is left of the house. Most of it has burnt down, with only one of the exterior walls still left standing. Smoke is curling up from the ruins, making them all cough and their eyes water.

“Oh god,” Bruce whispers, imagining the state his friends would be in if Clint hadn’t gotten them out so quickly that morning. 

Clint just shrugs. “Could be worse.” He gently extricates himself from Tony’s arm around his shoulder. “I’ll check whether it’s safe - stay here for now,” he orders as he starts to climb into the ruins. 

Bruce turns his face to Tony. “Hey, you still with me?” he asks. 

The only answer is a grunt. Tony’s face is sweaty and even paler than before, his breaths coming out fast and shallow. He seems to be having difficulty focusing his eyes on Bruce. 

Luckily Clint returns a minute later, towing a smoking mattress behind him. “Whatever is left of the bedroom and bathroom is safe to enter, but I wouldn’t sleep there -  the fumes are bad. Let’s just camp out here for now.” He set the mattress down next to Tony. 

“Can we get in touch with the others?” Bruce asks. 

“Yep. Found my phone - it’s still working.” Clint holds up the device. Glancing at the engineer’s now closed eyes, he adds, “StarkTech has its perks, but don’t let Tony know. You should get settled. I’ll fetch us some water.” He turns to climb back into the building. 

“Good news - you can rest here until the others come,” Bruce addresses Tony, slowly lowering him down. 

“Hmm. Heard what Clin’ said…” Tony slurs.

“Yes, that’s great. Now lie down.”

Tony curls up on the still-smoking mattress with a little shiver that evokes a sudden instinct of protectiveness in Bruce. It’s odd; that feeling is usually left to the Hulk’s spectrum of emotions, and if anything, Tony would typically be the one to protect his friend should the need arise. Bruce shakes his head to clear the thoughts, but the warmth in his chest stays.

The blankets are beyond saving, but Bruce finds one of his sweaters that’s still mostly intact and drapes it over Tony’s form, calming the shivers running through him. 

Clint returns with a bucket of water and an empty plastic bottle to fill, more clothes, and a partially-melted bottle of Tylenol for Bruce that he accepts gratefully. He would prefer an IV in order to get Tony rehydrated and lower the fever, but they’ve got to make do with what they have. 

Bruce takes two pills himself and then sets to rouse the engineer while Clint tries to call Natasha.

“Hey, Tony,” Bruce lightly shakes the other man’s shoulder. “Take some meds, then you can rest more.”

“Mhh…” Tony blinks up at him miserably. His eyes are wide and glazed over from fever, and his breaths are still coming heavily. 

“Come on.” Bruce supports his friend’s head while Tony swallows the painkillers and a few sips of water. 

“Ugh.” A shudder runs through Tony and he swallows thickly. “Feel sick.”

“I know. Just try to keep it down, okay? It will help with the fever.” Bruce wets his sleeve with a bit of water and wipes it gently over Tony’s forehead and his cheeks, cleaning away the sweat. Tony grimaces against the nausea, but then he seems to relax a little into Bruce’s touch. He closes his eyes and sinks back onto the mattress, curling tighter into himself. 

“Roger. Talk to you later,” Clint says and ends the call. He turns to Bruce. “It was a series of orchestrated attacks on the team. Nobody was seriously injured, if you don’t count Nat’s broken ribs and Cap’s burnt eyebrow, but SHIELD’s in chaos and it will take them a few hours to get to us.”

“Ah. Okay, that’s fine.” Bruce feels the adrenaline slowly wearing off, leaving only fatigue. He takes a few sips of water himself before handing the bottle to Clint and sinking down onto the edge of Tony’s mattress.

“Are you okay?” Clint asks. 

“Yeah,” Bruce replies, “Just… tired. And, you know, glad we didn’t die.”

“Ditto.” Clint grins. “You should lie down with Tony until the cavalry arrives. I’ll keep watch and alert you in case anything happens.”

“Are you sure?” Bruce asks. Hulk-outs always leave him completely wiped out and his usual routine after missions is to tumble into bed immediately and sleep for at least a day. Being horizontal sounds incredibly tempting, but he feels bad leaving all the work to Clint. “I could stay up with you…”

“It’s okay. Trust me, this isn’t even close to the amount of stress of the average SHIELD mission.”

“Oh. Well, then…” Bruce trails off, unsure what to do with that information. It’s somehow simultaneously reassuring and concerning. “Just wake me up if anything happens, okay?”

“Sure.” 

By the time Bruce has gently shifted Tony so that he can fit next to him on the mattress, Clint has already started a campfire. Tony doesn’t fully wake up when Bruce lies down next to him, just murmurs something unintelligible and then buries his head in the shoulder of Bruce’s hoodie.

Tony is still far too hot, but between the engineer’s fever and the campfire, Bruce gets pleasantly warmed up. Usually, Bruce has a hard time falling asleep around people, and never in a million years would he have thought it could happen in the aftermath of an attack on his life, but somehow, with Tony essentially cuddling him from behind and Clint watching over them, he feels safer than at most places he ever stayed at before joining their little band of misfits. Watching the flames, it only takes him a few minutes to doze off.

Once he is sure that both men are sound asleep, Clint settles down cross-legged next to the campfire, and pulls out his phone. Then, smiling softly, he takes another photo. 

______________

All my fics

Taglist: @toomuchtoread33​  @yepokokfine​

@badthingshappenbingo​ - This is the prompt fill for the square “Kick them while they’re down”. 

[holidaywishes]

Aurora

Part ten: Aurora

  Summary: Baby girl Matthews is born

  Author’s Note: Well here it is! The final chapter. The Finale, the grand daddy if you will. I’ve finished my thesis, my brain was a little clearer and the votes were in! I was surprised by how close it actually was but Aurora was the winner! I thought both names were beautiful so I was happy either way but I kind of agree that this one seemed to fit a little better -- so good on all of you! Anyway, it’s going to be quite long to tie up a couple story lines and hopefully leave everyone satisfied. Enjoy!!

  P.S.: I almost cried like three times when I was writing this… so, take that as you will.

  P.P.S.: I want to stress that I don’t know anything about pregnancy or childbirth so none of the information/timelines are like legitimately accurate. I did some research but it’s far from being factual from what would actually happen.

  Warning: I’ll put a trigger warning here just in case for talk of abuse and pregnancy complications/stillbirth, birth, swearing, fluff? Love/hard fluff at the end, I’m sorry! I had to add in some angst!! For old times sake!

  Song Credit: You Are My Sunshine -- Kina Grannis and Golden Slumbers (Acoustic) -- The Beatles/Dua Lipa

  masterlist

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  You thought you could handle pain pretty well. You’d had enough of it in your lifetime to understand how to handle it. But there was a difference between being lashed and whipped and your body preparing itself to push a baby out of your vagina.

  “How are you doing sweetie?” Christina said as she slowly walked in the room with Patty right behind her

  “Oh you know…” you glared at them, “I’ve had better days”

  “Auston says it’s almost time though” Patty smiled

  “I can’t do it anymore,” you whined, forcing your head back against the pillows, “I thought I could handle the pain but I can’t. I feel like my insides are being torn apart and everything is on fire. I need the nurse or the doctor…”

  “You’ll be fine, here, we’ll get the nurse,” Christina added sympathetically, “you’re gonna be a Mommy.” You returned the smile she gave you before another contraction consumed you and the nurse walked in, Mitch and Stephanie trailing shortly behind her

  “How are you feeling (Y/N)?” Your doctor asked as she came to the side of the bed

  “Give me the drugs,” you shouted desperately, jerking your head when you heard Mitch giggle, “this is not the time Marner. You wanna giggle, do it on your own time and you best make sure it’s not about me because I’m in a lot of fucking pain right now and I am irritated and I am not afraid to throw you through a window!” Mitch’s eyes grew wide, his skin pale, and you went back to the doctor to see if she’d subdue your pain 

  “I can see where you’re at but I’m sorry dear, it might be too late for the epidural”

  “Are you telling me you can’t take this excruciating pain away? That I’ll have to feel everything?!”

  “If you’re fully dilated, we’ll have to take you into delivery and there’s nothing I can do. I’m sorry (Y/N)...”

  “Where’s Auston?” you asked the group, everyone shaking their heads and looking around the room, “GET ME THE FUCKING FATHER OF MY CHILD!!!!”

  “I’m here baby, I’m here,” he said, sliding into the room and finding his place at your side, “I was just getting you some ice chips” he smiled at you gently and you gave him a small smile in return

  “Aww, that’s so sweet, isn’t he sweet? aww thank you for the ice chips baby,” you said before throwing the cup of ice across the room, “I don’t want anymore fucking ice chips. I don’t want your sweet words either Matthews! I want everyone in this room gone, I want the doctor to tell me I can take the epidural so I don’t have to deliver this baby in pain, or anymore pain than necessary, I want you to understand how much I fucking hate you right now! For doing this to me. I hope you’re happy. You wanted a daughter, you wanted a precious baby girl? Well fuck you!” You watched as everyone scattered out of the room, presumably into the waiting area, before your eyes focused back on Auston who looked terrified of you 

  “Okay babe, deep breaths, remember the classes we took” he tried but you just growled at him

  “It looks like you’re still at nine centimetres, so I can grab the anesthesiologist to give you the epidural” your doctor announced, hurrying as to not upset you but not before you started to cry

  “I’m sorry Auston,” you sobbed, “I just.. I just.. It hurts so bad and I don’t think I can do this… I thought I could but I can’t. I just want it to be over”

  “I know baby and it will be, just a little bit longer. We’re so close, but we just have to decide on a name. Okay? that’ll keep us busy,” he said, sitting down and smoothing the hair off your face, “I love you so much (Y/N)” 

  “Can you do this for me?” you joked, tears still streaming down your face

  “No sweetheart, I wish I could,” he smiled, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “I wish I could take this pain from you but this is something you have to do. And you’re going to be so amazing, I know it. Because you’re amazing everyday and this little girl, she’s going to be just like her mama. Strong and stubborn and powerful and amazing. For the rest of her life”

  “Don’t do that” you cried

  “What?” Auston asked, confused

  “Don’t put that pressure on her,” you complained, eyes held tightly together as your lip quivered, “she’s not even here yet. Let her make her own mistakes and her own choices. If she’s not amazing, then that’s okay. But you have to love her anyways!” 

  “Of course I will. She’ll be amazing no matter what,” he replied, noting that you were probably getting delirious from the pain and lack of sleep, “did you decide on a name?” Just as she was about to answer, the anesthesiologist came in and prepared you for the needle. Once you got the epidural, you were a much more pleasant person to deal with and you welcomed guests in as they greeted you, asking about a name and how you were feeling and lying about how “good” you looked. Your contractions were getting closer and closer together but thankfully the epidural seemed to lessen the pain enough for you to talk to Auston’s parents calmly and sweetly.

  “Thank you so much” you smiled, clearly delirious from the long hours at the hospital, “for being here. You didn’t have to come, it’s nice that you’re here and I really appreciate it, but you didn’t have to be here. But thank you.” Ema and Brian gave each other a quick glance and laughed at your ramblings

  “We wouldn’t miss this for the world, girlie,” Brian said softly, “we love you”

  “So much, Mija” Ema added and your eyes welled with tears

  “Thank you for raising such an amazing son. He’s so kind and so gentle and so patient with me,” you sobbed as Auston took your hand and you turned to look at him, continuing your praise, “he’s so good and I’ve never met anyone like him. And he owes all of that to both of you.” You looked over to see Ema begin to tear up before a big smile took over her face

  “Thank you,” she started and you gave her a confused look, “for loving him. For taking care of him when we can’t. For being such an incredible woman. You’ll be an amazing mother to our grandchild.”

  “Okay, enough,” Auston interrupted, “no more tears. This is a happy day. You’re all too emotional, come on Mom, Dad, let’s get you back into the waiting area.” He kissed your forehead just as your Doctor entered the room

  “You feeling dilated yet?”

  “Nadia, Doc, I think I’m ready to go,” you said, with a giggle, before feeling faint, “I don’t even really feel pain anym--” You heard your doctor call some nurses into the room as she called for you to stay awake but you couldn’t lift your eyes open; not even when you heard Auston call out to you.

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Auston’s P.O.V.

  “What’s going on?” you asked in a panicked tone

  “She’s hemorrhaging”

  “What happened?” Stephanie asked from behind you 

  “We’re not sure yet,” the doctor replied and you gasped, how could they not know?! “all that matters right now is making sure she doesn’t lose too much blood. We’re going to have to do a c-section”

  “How come she didn’t feel anything? Or did she?”

  “It’s hard to say, the epidural could’ve disrupted the amount of discomfort she was feeling. She could’ve thought it was just contractions,” she said, rubbing your arm to reassure you, “she’s going to be fine and so will your daughter. I have to get back to her..” Your mind was racing and you didn’t know what to do or what to think. Had you done this? Did you stress her too much? Was it too late for her to have gotten the epidural?

  “Auston, she’s going to be okay” Christina said, bringing you in for a hug and you noticed the waiting room had filled with most of the team

  “But what if she’s not?”

  “She will be”

  “I think I need some air.” You ran off to find an exit to get away from the team so you could let the tears fall down your face

  “Matts?” Freddie’s voice called out from behind you

  “I just need a sec, Fred, okay?” 

  “Talk to me”

  “I can’t”

  “Let’s just sit then.” You turned around and saw him directing you the bench beside you; you hesitantly followed his lead. Both of you sat there for a while, in complete silence, before you couldn’t stand it anymore and you burst into tears

  “What do I do man?” Your hands rushed to cover your face and you leaned forward, feeling Freddie’s hand rubbing your shoulder

  “She’s strong, Auston, she’ll make it through this and still have the energy to tell some really awful joke that she thinks is hilarious”

  “Just like Mo” you laughed

  “And Mitchy” Fred added

  “I don’t know, Freddie, I’m scared. She doesn’t deserve this. The pregnancy had gone so well, everything was normal. Every checkup she was fine, she was healthy. Sure, there were moments of stress throughout but nothing that would cause this…” You gestured toward the hospital doors, leaning your face back into the palms of your hands

  “You wanna know what I thought when you first introduced me to her?”

  “Go for it” 

  “What is she doing with him?”

  “Gee thanks…” You sighed and Freddie just laughed

  “No I’m serious. Everything just seemed like it was some kind of extravagant façade. Like you wanted us to think you were in a relationship, so you hired some girl, who was way out of your league, to pretend with you. But then, she kept coming around. And she attached to your hip like a magnet. And her eyes never left yours. And she smiled every time you were around and every time you looked at her. So, we got to know her and she was legit. But she was funny and smart and witty and confident in a way that didn’t make her seem like a complete bitch. She was ambitious, she knew what she wanted and she wasn’t afraid to go for it. At that point I was even more confused as to how you convinced her to go out with you,” he laughed again as you straightened up next to him, “but she handled us like we were nothing. A group of 30 hockey players, twice her size, and she never flinched when she had to defend herself against our… criticisms”

  “What does this have to do with her having an involuntary c-section right now?” 

  “She’s going to make it through this, with a beautiful baby girl, and be all the stronger for it. She’s already strong but she’s not just fighting for her, she’s fighting for the life that she’s created. The life that she didn’t know how much she wanted until she heard the first heartbeat. The life that’s equal parts her and you.” His words made you feel a little better but you still couldn’t help the few tears that escaped; you expected Fred to get up and give you some space but he just stayed where he was, unflinching, and let you cry without judgement.

  “Fuck dude, I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I lose her” you fell back into the bench

  “Don’t think like that”

  “But I have to. I have to think about what happens if I lose (Y/N) but the baby is okay. What if I can’t let go of it and I unintentionally blame the baby?”

  “You won’t, you’re not that kind of guy…”

  “I’ve never been in that situation. I’ve never loved anyone like I love (Y/N) and losing her would kill me”

  “But you’d get to see a part of (Y/N) in your daughter”

  “But won’t that hurt more?” you argued, “getting to see (Y/N) but not actually see her?”

  “Sure, it’ll hurt. And so would losing the baby, but you’d get through it”

  “How?”

  “With a little help from us. The team, your friends, your family…” he turned to you, “but it doesn’t matter. Because you’re not going to lose either of them.” You thanked Freddie just as the doctor came out to find you and you ran back into the hospital toward the waiting area

  “Nadia?” you asked, “what’s happening?” She gathered you and your parents to explain what was happening and the rest of the group slowly gathered around the three of you as well

  “I think it would be better if the four of us talked alone, Auston, don’t you?”

  “They’re family” you stated plainly and Nadia sighed deeply before reluctantly agreeing

  “Alright,” she looked at the large group in front of her before training her eyes on you, “we know why she hemorrhaged. The ultrasound must have been misread or misinterpreted because she was pregnant with twins--”

  “Twins?”

  “Oh my god!” Christina gasped, a tinge of excitement in her voice before Nadia looked sharply at her and she knew there was no cause for excitement

  “The baby was stillborn and it caused her blood pressure to spike and her to hemorrhage,” your eyes fell to the floor as the doctor continued to speak, “the second heartbeat is still strong, which is great, but (Y/N)’s heart rate is alarmingly slow”

  “Can I do anything?” you asked desperately

  “Auston--”

  “There has to be something I can do, anything, even if it’s small.” You looked around at your teammates; some had tears streaming down their cheeks, some looked like they wanted to punch a wall, the rest were watching your every move

  “Auston, maybe we can just… pray?” Mitch said, still quiet, to break the silence

  “What? No!” you yelled

  “Papí, please…” your dad tried to calm you

  “No, I need to see her. Maybe if I’m there, and she hears me, it’ll help…” You were practically begging and Nadia sympathized with you, telling you to follow her and handing you a set of scrubs before you were allowed to enter the room. You stared into the small glass window and saw (Y/N) on the operating table and your heart dropped but you knew you had to get in there

  “Mr. Matthews?” one of the nurses came to grab you, pulling you out of your shock and you followed her in, making your way quickly to (Y/N); grabbing her hand and sobbing when you felt how limp and cold it was.

  “Hey baby,” you whispered into her ear, “I’m right here. Everything’s gonna be okay now, our baby’s heartbeat is strong. We just need yours to be a little stronger okay baby?” You leaned your head close to hers, almost connecting your forehead with hers when one of the nurses said you couldn’t

  “No skin to skin contact” her eyes were filled with worry for you and (Y/N), making your eyes well up but you just nodded and squeezed (Y/N)’s hand tighter

  “You wanna hear a story?” you whispered once more, noticing Nadia and the nurses in the room shift their eyes to you, but you moved her hand closer to your chest and continued, “I always knew I wanted kids, always, I thought I wanted a boy so I could teach him how to play hockey and baseball and do the typical father-son stuff. But then I saw you and all I wanted was to be near you. Whatever that meant. Even if I couldn’t be with you, I just wanted you around because you gave me butterflies and made me nervous and I can’t imagine my life without those butterflies -- without you. When you told me that you weren’t sure you wanted to have kids, I had to think about what I wanted more -- you or a baby. It was always you, (Y/N). I could live with never have a child if it meant I got to be with you but then our lives turned upside down when you found out you were pregnant and I know it was complicated at first. But if I’m being honest, my heart was beating out of my chest when you told me because I was the luckiest guy in the whole world to know that I would get the love of my life and a beautiful baby who looked just like her.” You looked up at the clock as a tear fell down your face, you’d been in the hospital for nearly 13 hours and it would be sunrise soon, “(Y/N), please, come back to me…”

  “Alright, I think we’ve got her!” Nadia called out and you jumped up in excitement, thinking they were talking about (Y/N), soon realizing your baby girl was finally in the world, “okay Auston, I’m sorry. You need to go now--”

  “Wait… What? No..” you stammered, “what about my daughter? Why can’t I see her?”

  “It’s okay, listen, it’s going to be okay,” one of the nurses directed you out of the operating room as you watched intently as Nadia began working on (Y/N), “you’ll see your daughter soon, I promise. We have to focus on (Y/N) and everything will be much easier to navigate if we have a little more space.”

  “What’s happening?”

  “Trust us”

  “What’s happening?!” you yelled 

  “Trust us!” she countered before storming back into the operating room and you fell back against the wall, crumpling to the floor with your head in your hands as the sun shone through the thick, tinted window next to you.

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  You woke up, exhausted, to find Auston huddled beside you; his head on your arm and his two hands holding your one. You had no recollection of what happened until you took in the room where you were -- that same Giraffe in a tutu -- and you wondered where your baby was.

  “Where is she?” you muttered breathlessly

  “(Y/N)? Oh my god, baby,” Auston jumped up and kissed your forehead, quickly moving his lips to yours to capture you in a kiss and you felt a tear run down his face, “I love you so much!”

  “Where’s our baby girl?” you repeated, just as quietly as before, and Auston pressed his forehead against yours, “what’s wrong?”

  “You scared me…” he answered, a small tear falling from his eye onto your cheek

  “What do you mean?”

  “You weren’t doing so well for a minute there. I almost lost you…” You could tell his lip was quivering, leading you to bring your hand up to cup his cheek and he leaned into your touch

  “Everything’s okay now baby” You said, pressing a kiss to his cheek before he got up to walk across the room. You watched as he leaned over a bassinet and cooed to the little one inside, he gently picked her up and you heard a small cry before he calmed her down and brought her over to you

  “(Y/N), I think it’s time you met your daughter,” seeing Auston with her made you burst into tears and he tried to stop you, “oh no, what’s wrong?”

  “Look at the two of you…” you cooed, “you’re so comfortable with her. She’s so tiny…”

  “Isn’t it incredible?”

  “Our baby girl,” Auston slowly passed her over to you and you finally got to hold her, her little hands wrapping around your finger, “hello little one. I know you, yes I do. Do you remember me?”

  “Did you know that Aurora means sunrise?” Auston asked and you looked up at him, eyes still stinging with tears as your daughter clutched your finger, “and our little girl was born at sunrise?”

  “It’s fate. Our little Aurora, our beautiful sunrise.” You looked back at your little girl, leaning in to press your forehead against hers like you’d done so many times with Auston; amazed that something so tiny could come into this world.

  “She’s perfect”

  “She really is isn’t she?” you watched her eyelids flutter as she fell asleep, “you’re gonna be so annoyed at us, liten en. We’re going to sing to you and give you a bunch of silly clothes and Maple Leafs onesies. Baby girl, you don’t even know how much you’re loved. There’s a whole team of bodyguards waiting to protect you. I pity the man who tries to date you, miss Aurora.” You laughed and kissed the top of her head before looking up at Auston, whose eyes were red and welled up with tears

  “I should actually go let them know you’re awake, I’ll be right back” he kissed your temple and wiped away a tear as he left the room. You waited for Auston to bring in some visitors but, after about 15 minutes, no one came; leaving you confused and a little concerned.

  “What’s taking daddy so long, huh?” you sat up, trying to look out the door when Aurora let out a whimper and you tried to stop her from crying

  “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please, don’t take my sunshine away. The other night dear, as I lay sleepin’, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my--”

  Suddenly, you felt very hollow and you noticed just how quiet the room was. Your eyes filled with tears again but they weren’t happy like before and you noticed Auston leaning against the door with Nadia.

  “Auston? Nadia?” you wept, “what happened?”

  “Let me put Aurora back into the bassinet okay?” Auston spoke first and Nadia came to your bedside

  “So, how are you feeling?” she asked, you tilted your head as tears continued from your eyes, “right. You had some complications, more blood lost than we thought would happen and we had to do an emergency c-section.” You noticed Auston sit in the chair next to the bed, but he wasn’t looking at you and you were growing more and more concerned, “(Y/N), you were pregnant with twins…”

  “What? No, the ultrasounds, the doctors, everyone said it was a girl. I have my baby…”

  “Something or someone must have misinterpreted the ultrasound or one of the babies was hiding. It happens sometimes, but not to this extent”

  “This extent? Meaning to the extent that no one knows they’re having twins?” You asked and Nadia nodded, “what happened?”

  “You.. I’m sorry (Y/N) your baby was stillborn,” the word took the air out of your lungs but your doctor continued, “luckily, your daughter was strong and healthy and we were able to bring her into the world and bring you.. back.” You stared at your hands for a minute before feeling Auston’s hand cover yours and you were at a loss of what to do or say. You blinked rapidly as you looked up at Nadia, who, herself, was at a loss of a way to comfort you; she walked over to Aurora and slowly lifted her out from where she slept, “best thing for you and baby right now is skin-to-skin contact. It’ll make her feel safe and it will help the two of you connect…” Still in shock, you raised your eyes to meet Nadia as she brought Aurora to lie on your chest and you watched your baby’s chest rise and fall quickly, tears pooling in your eyes. 

  “Was it a girl or boy?”

  “(Y/N)...” Auston said, abruptly standing up, ���we don’t ne--”

  “I wanna know” you argued, noticing Auston nod to Nadia and she turned to you

  “It was a girl” she said lightly, carefully, to ease the information onto you. You looked down at Aurora and smiled 

  “You had a sister, baby girl,” you whispered, unsure of anything else to add and you turned to Auston whose eyes were red from tears, “I don’t want her to feel like we don’t love her, Auston, just because her sister is gone. I don’t want her to think that we look at her and only see this sad thing that happened…”

  “We won’t,” he answered as Nadia left the room, “do we tell her about her sister?”

  “When she’s older, maybe. We can cross that bridge when we come to it” 

  “Should we name her?” he glanced at you, sitting down when he noticed the tear fall down the side of your cheek

  “I can’t” you said and Auston nodded, leaning his forehead against yours before looking at his daughter on your chest

  “She’s beautiful” Auston smiled with tears in his eyes and you smiled up at him, planting a light kiss to his lips, careful not to wake the baby

  “And so peaceful.” Just then, the door burst open and Mitchy called out 

  “Uncle Mitchy is here, little Auro--”

  “Shhhhh” You and Auston shushed him, hoping that Aurora didn’t wake up only to be met by her loud cries

  “Look what you did, Uncle Mitchy,” Stephanie slapped her boyfriend’s shoulder, “sorry babe, we’ll go”

  “No, no, it’s okay,” you smiled, “I think Uncle Mitchy should meet baby Aurora and what better time than right now.” Auston laughed, picking her up and walking over to Mitch to pass her over. You noticed Mitch’s face fill with panic as he held your newborn daughter, bouncing her to try to subdue her cries and watched as Auston mirrored his bounce unconsciously, making you laugh quietly. 

  “How are you doing, (Y/N)?” Steph asked, laying a hand on your shoulder

  “I’m okay. Tired but okay.” For a while, your room was a carousel of people coming in and out and visiting with Auston and the baby, you and the baby and asking to hold the baby before finally saying goodbye and giving the next group of people their turn. Eventually, everyone made their way home and it was just you and Auston.

  “I’m so proud of you, you know that?” he spoke softly, “As much as you scared me, you were so strong and I am so proud of you.” Your chin quivered slightly at his words and you knew, in that moment, the three of you together was all you would ever need. Over the next few days, you bonded with Aurora and took time to sleep and recuperate when one of the nurses brought up postpartum depression when Auston was out of the room

  “It’s common, in these cases, for mothers to develop PPD. You’ve lost a baby and we just want to make sure we’re monitoring you properly”

  “I understand that it’s common and, believe me, I understand that you feel like I would be having a difficult time but I’m doing great with Aurora”

  “I know you are, (Y/N), and that’s so great. But in situations like these we just require a bit more.. assurance. Your husband is a great source for us and-”

  “Boyfriend. We’re not married…”

  “Oh. Sorry. Your boyfriend will keep us informed about your progress and you’ll have regular meetings with Dr. Wilson. She’ll make any necessary calls but there shouldn’t be any cause for concern.” You hadn’t thought there was any cause for concern until this conversation and now you wondered how, and when, PPD showed itself. Auston could tell there was something wrong when he finally came back into the room and when you told him, he tried to calm you -- saying it was just procedure.

  “I’m sure of it” he smiled 

  “When can we go home?”

  “Tomorrow,” he said quickly, “I checked” 

  “Wait..” you said, never having thought about this before, “which home do we go to?”

  “Oh wow…” his eyes shifted to the floor, realizing his place was ready and yours wasn’t, “we didn’t really think about that did we? We just kind of set everything up at mine…”

  “That’s fine. That’s okay. Mine will have stuff in it eventually but at least, for now, we have a crib and everything for Aurora. That’s all that matters right now.” Your response was unintentionally hasty but having the let’s move in together talk right now just seemed like bad timing. All you really wanted was a bed that didn’t smell like powder and a room that didn’t smell like medicine -- it didn’t matter where. 

  When you woke up the next morning, you saw your bags were packed and Auston holding Aurora in his arms and reading her a story; what sounded like Winnie the Pooh but you really couldn’t be sure.

  “Babe?” you asked, rubbing your eyes awake

  “Hey, look mommy’s awake,” he cooed to your daughter, “wanna say hi?”

  “Hi baby girl,” you chimed as he carried her to you, laying her in your arms, “how are you this morning, my beautiful girl?” 

  “I think she’s just as ready to go home as you are,” Auston laughed, rubbing his thumb across her soft head before pointing to the pile of clothes on your bed, “I’m gonna grab the car and pull it up front. One of the nurses said they’ll be in with a wheelchair in a minute so you should get dressed…”

  “Wait.. Auston, you can’t just” you started before he fled the room, “leave us alone…” You waited until the nurse came and she gladly watched Aurora while you got changed, where you had the first chance to look at your body after everything; noticing the c-section scar across your skin.

  “Mrs. Matthews? Everything okay in there?” the nurse called

  “It’s Miss (Y/L/N), and everything’s fine, I’ll be out in just a minute”

  “Hey,” you heard Auston ask breathlessly, presumably from running through the hospital, “everything okay? She wasn’t outside?”

  “I’m fine. I just couldn’t get dressed when there was no one here to watch the baby,” you said, exiting the bathroom, “what if something happened to her?” He smiled and apologized sarcastically before prompting you to get in the wheelchair so the three of you could make a break for it. When you got into the car, you watched Auston in the rearview mirror to make sure that the car seat was buckled properly before coming around the front seat; you grabbed his hand as soon as he sat down, thanking him for being so great through everything 

  “It’s only ‘cause I love you so much” he joked, bringing his hand up to kiss the back of yours

  “You know,” you said slowly, “everyone was very shocked that we weren’t married. The nurse earlier presumed you were my husband, and the one who was watching Aurora when I was changing called me Mrs. Matthews…”

  “Mrs. (Y/N) Matthews…” he smiled, “I like the sound of that”

  “But we’re not married Auston”

  “But we could be” you giggled

  “Is that your idea of a proposal?”

  “I’m just saying, we had a baby together. We’ve been through a lot, marriage doesn’t seem like such a bad idea”

  “Can we just take a breath for a second? We don’t need to get married. I mean we don’t even live together”

  “So that’s the other thing I should talk to you about”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I bought a new place,” he said and your eyebrows rose in shock, “I did it a while ago, like months, and started setting up the baby’s room there. You’ll love it, I promise, I wouldn’t have bought it if I didn’t see you loving it”

  “I don’t understand…”

  “I want us to live together. It’s not good for the baby to have two places, or for us either. Your place is great, but it’s not big enough for the three of us. And my place is my place…” you scrunched your eyebrows together but he kept his eyes focused straight as he moved at a snail’s pace, “I want this to be our place.” You smiled, leaning your head against the seat, and told him you’d love to move in with him; moving your hand up to play with his curly hair while he drove

  “I got lucky with you, Matthews,” you said, “you’re pretty handsome you know?” A small smile played on his lips and his hand found its way onto your knee but his eyes still never left the road

  “Thanks babe,” was his nervous response, “I’m the lucky one though”

  “Auston, look at me for a second” you laughed

  “Hmm, nope, can’t do that. We have precious cargo…”

  “You’re literally going 10 miles an hour,” you gestured to the dash, “you hear those horns that are most certainly going to wake our daughter? Yeah, those are because you’re driving so slow”

  “I can’t just fly through here…”

  “Just go the speed limit baby or pull over and let everyone pass.” He looked at you quickly before finding somewhere to park and you noticed his body loosen from the stiffness it held before

  “I guess I’m just nervous, I don’t want anything bad to happen to her,” he looked in the backseat to see if he could get a view of her from where he sat but he caught your eye instead, “hey there”

  “Hey there…”

  “Have we met before?” he teased and you smiled, “I’m not sure how my girlfriend would feel about a beautiful girl being in my car. We’re moving in together you know?”

  “Is that so?”

  “It is so,” he replied, “and I’m pretty sure I’d remember you if we met before”

  “Well I know your girlfriend and I think she’d be okay with my being in your car”

  “Oh yeah? How do you k--” you pulled him in for a deep kiss to stop this back and forth. The kiss got steamier than you thought it would and he was beginning to pull you onto his lap when you stopped him

  “Mhmm... we can’t…” you said breathlessly, eyes still focused on Auston’s lips, “we have a baby now. We can’t be having sex in cars anymore. Plus, I’m not even sure if we can have sex this soon. I just really wanted to kiss you…”

  “I wanted to kiss you too, I always do,” he cocked his eyebrow, “and we’ll be able to have car sex again eventually. That’s what date nights are for.” You laughed and adjusted yourself back in the car before telling Auston to get back onto the road and to go the speed limit this time.

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1 year later

  “Can I get some help please? I think your door shrunk, Matthews” Mitch yelled as he fought to get in

  “Maybe it’s the 300 presents you brought. Dude you know she’s only a year old right?” Auston joked

  “She has to like me the best, I need to be the favourite Uncle,” Mitch replied, “I mean come on, you made Fred the godfather…”

  “Relax, Mitch, this is great,” Auston laughed, “thank you. Let’s go put these on the table”

  “He’s not bitter, is he?” you asked Stephanie, “that Auston didn’t ask him to be the godfather?”

  “Oh god no, he just likes to joke around,” she smiled, “he’s just not sure why Fred and not Mo or Patty”

  “You know I’m not entirely sure,” you admitted, walking around the kitchen island to say hi to some of the guests, “apparently Freddie was there for Auston when I went in for surgery and he was really grateful to him for it. He hasn’t told me what Fred said exactly but it left an impression on Auston so he asked him to be the godfather”

  “That makes sense.” Steph replied before the two of you roamed around the party for a bit, talking to as many people as you could until you came across Freddie

  “Hey there Mr. goaltender,” you said awkwardly. The two of you hadn’t really bonded in the entire time you’d known him and it was strange that you really didn’t know him when he was the godfather of your child, “how’s it going?”

  “Good, how about you?” he asked 

  “Good!” you replied and the two of you fell back into an awkward silence, “look I just wanted to say thank you”

  “For what?”

  “For helping Auston when I was in surgery. Whatever you said to him really meant a lot and I so appreciate it; it means a lot to me that you care so much about him”

  “You guys are family. I’d do anything for you two, well now you three,” he smiled shyly, “if you need anything and you can’t get a hold of Auston, just call me and I’m there.” You smiled and thanked Freddie with a quick squeeze on his arm before continuing your rounds at the party. When Aurora finally woke up, it was Brian who brought her out to see everyone and you heard everyone’s cooing before you saw your daughter; eventually making your way through the crowd to hold her and Auston stood by your side as he made a small speech. 

  “We want to thank everyone for coming today. Our little girl is so lucky to be surrounded by so much love and we are so lucky to have people who make it so easy to bring into our lives. You’re all family and we couldn’t have asked for a more loving and caring one, so thank you. Today is a celebration and we intend to make it the best first birthday our little girl could hope for.” He raised his glass and the group followed suit while you leaned up to lay a kiss to his lips, Aurora letting out a little noise as you did so, bringing smiles to yours and Auston’s faces. 

  “That was beautiful babe” you said, rubbing away the lipstick that marked his lips

  “Thanks babe, now let’s get to unwrapping Uncle Mitch’s presents…” The two of you smiled and cooed at your daughter as you walked over to the table. You were shocked when you saw that over half the gifts on the table were from Mitch as you sat down and you laughed when you saw his excitement. Auston started bringing boxes and bags over to you so you could open them and show Aurora what was inside; blankets, stuffed animals, onesies, bottles, bibs, bedtime stories were just a few of the starting gifts and almost none of it was registering with Aurora which made everyone laugh.

  “Hey, look little one, that’s you and Daddy,” you said, pointing at the picture someone had gifted you, “and that’s you and me. That was the day you were born!” When her little fingers grazed the pictures as she recognized you and Auston, your heart melted and you kissed her head softly.

  “Yeah, that’s all of us baby girl” Auston said with a big smile on his face and Aurora looked up at him with her big doe eyes, both of you waiting for her first word but she just looked down at the pictures. You smiled as tears of joy filled your eyes and continued on with the rest of the gifts; it wasn’t long after that the group began saying their goodbyes and filing out. 

  “It was so nice to see you,” you said, giving Christina a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye, “thank you so much for coming guys!” You and Auston waved to them as they walked down the driveway to their van and you sighed heavily 

  “I don’t know about you but I am exhausted,” you said, leaning into Auston’s side, “I think we should get Aurora to bed and then it’s probably best if we head to sleep as well…” You walked into the baby’s room and gently laid her down as Auston’s strong arms wrapped around your waist and he tucked his head into your neck

  “I can’t believe how much I love her” he whispered 

  “Neither can I” you whispered back, falling back into his chest and watching your baby sleep

  “Come on babe, let’s get some sleep.” You hummed before taking his hand as he led you out of the baby’s room and into the one you shared with him where you almost immediately crashed onto the California King mattress in the middle of the room. Auston came over to your side of the bed and hovered over you, lifting you up from where you laid with a kiss that moved through your entire body. 

  “Mmm, what’s that for?” you asked, eyes fluttering open 

  “Nothing. I just love you that’s all” he replied before kissing you again, bringing you to your feet and gliding his hands to the hem of your shirt; his hands were so warm and your body was so cold that you almost craved the heat from him

  “Wait, wait, stop,” you pulled away, “I love you too but we can’t. Okay? Not right now…” He looked so defeated that your heart broke and you pulled him back to you. “Auston, Papí, I love you but I don’t want her to wake up because we were being too loud”

  “So, we’ll be quiet…” he moved to kiss your neck and you were lost in the feeling for a minute, moaning into him when you pulled away again

  “No, Auston” you forced him to look at you, “not tonight babe, okay? I’m sorry.” You changed into your PJs and got under the covers, waiting for Auston to come back into the room, noticing the look he gave you before he turned off the lights; the only light now coming from the screen on the baby monitor. 

  “What are you doing, Aus?” you giggled

  “I have a question for you,” he said, his voice low, “but I thought you deserved a show to go with it.” He started dancing around the foot of the bed, doing what you could only assume was a strip tease, as clothing started flying toward you and you almost burst into laughter

  “What’s your question?” you held back your laughs to keep the room quiet

  “Tell me first: do you like my body?” he said, running his hands dramatically down his torso to the top button of his jeans

  “What?” you laughed

  “I said, do you like my body?”

  “Yes, I like your body!” you replied, a giggle and excitement flowing off your tongue

  “Good, now, do you like my hair?” he said, moving his hands up his body to tossle his dark brown locks

  “Yes, I like your hair.” He was at your side of the bed now, pulling your feet over the edge so you were sitting upright and he could use the space around you to his advantage

  “Good. How about my lips?” 

  “Your lips?”

  “How do you feel about my lips, (Y/N)?” he asked and you leaned into him, your lips inches from his and whispered

  “I love your lips, Auston…”

  “That’s my girl,” he pulled away from you just when you thought he might kiss you, moving his hands back to the waist of his jeans again, “now here’s my real question: do you like my name?”

  “Your name? Auston? Sure, yeah,” you started, thinking it was some kind of game he wanted to play, so you added what you thought he’d find sexy, “I like moaning it…”

  “I like that, baby, but I was talking about my last name”

  “Oh,” you said with confusion, pulling back from your boyfriend, “I guess… Auston, what’s going on?”

  “Would you like it to be yours?” he finally said, falling back on his knee and pulling out a small black box 

  “Oh my god, Auston…” you whispered, still a little confused but mostly shocked

  “(Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N), I am so in love with you and I have been from the second I laid eyes on you. Everyone told me you were too good for me and I agreed with them because you are. You’re way too good for me, which is why I knew I had to be with you. You have brought so much happiness and love into my life that any second I’m away from you feels like an eternity,” your mouth dropped open as tears sprung from your eyes and Auston’s as well, “honestly, the only thing I’ve ever loved more than you is our daughter. Our beautiful baby girl who got her mom’s eyes and her mom’s forehead, thank god.” You laughed at his remark as tears continued to fall down your cheeks, only now noticing the shaking of his hands so you moved yours over his to calm him, “I want to be the one you come to when you have an amazing day at work, I want to be the one you vent to when nothing seems to be going right. I want to be the one to hold you when you need to cry, I want to be the one you smile at when you’re happy and I never wanna see that smile fade. I want you to be the one by my side through every game, home or away, good or bad, win or lose. I want you to be the one I can lean on and cry to if I need to, I want you to be the one who I wake up to every morning for the rest of my life because I love you. And I want our daughter to know that love exists. I want us to be her best example of love because it’s true and it’s real and she deserves to see the world through rose-coloured glasses. I want us--”

  “Auston, baby, you’re running out of breath…” you stopped him, still smiling at his now bloodshot eyes

  “I love you, so much, more than I ever thought possible,” he said calmly, “will you marry me?”

  “Yes,” you finally said, still sobbing from how much love you felt for the man in front of you, “of course I’ll marry you!” 

  “Oh thank god,” he laughed, placing the ring gently on your finger and lifting you up, “I wasn’t sure how I was doing there for a second.” He spun you around for a minute, dancing his tongue with yours as your fingers played with the ends of his hair until he slowly set you down

  “You were mumbling there for a bit but you did just fine”

  “Well see, the plan was: tire both of us out by having sex and that way all my nerves would be gone and it would’ve been a much less frantic proposal. But you rejected sex so I had to improvise…”

  “I liked this way so much better,” you said, pushing yourself up to kiss him, “plus, this is a story we can actually tell people…” He laughed and you sat back down on the bed, determined to get some sleep before Aurora inevitably started crying out. Sure enough, she started crying and you pushed the covers off of you to get up when Auston stopped you

  “I got this one, babe, you go back to sleep.” You smiled as you watched him leave, thankful that you were with someone who wanted to help as much as he did. You couldn’t help yourself though, so you tiptoed to the doorway of Aurora’s room as she continued to cry, and peered in to see how Auston was doing when you noticed that her crying was lessening more and more. He sat down in the rocking chair after a few minutes and grabbed a book to get Aurora to sleep

  Once upon a time there lived a king and queen who were very unhappy because they had no children. But at last a little daughter was born, and their sorrow was turned to joy. All the bells in the land were rung to tell the glad tidings.

  You smiled when you realized that he was reading her Sleeping Beauty; leaning against the door to listen closer. 

  “Just then the wise young fairy came from behind the curtain and said: ‘Do not grieve, O King and Queen. Your daughter shall not die. I cannot undo what my elder sister has done; the princess shall indeed prick her finger with the spindle, but she shall not die. She shall fall into sleep that will last a hundred years. At the end of that time, a king’s son will find her and awaken her.’”

  As Auston continued, Aurora seemed to stir more and she clearly wasn’t liking the story causing Auston to panic and try to sing her to sleep. You cringed at his tone deaf cover of Golden Slumbers

  “I know I know baby girl,” he shushed her, “mommy’s voice is much better than daddy’s. But mommy is asleep, so you get me…” You brought your hand up to your mouth to bite your nails as you continued to listen from outside the door hoping it would get better but it didn’t and you had to step in 

  “Okay, I think it’s time for me to step in huh?” you said, walking toward Auston and Aurora, and gently taking her from him, “thanks for trying daddy.” He smiled at you and stepped aside, letting you sit down on the rocking chair. 

  “Once there was a way. To get back homeward. Once there was a way. To get back home, sleep, pretty darling do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby…”

  You glanced up at Auston, who was staring at you almost in disbelief as you sang, and smiled before continuing

  “Golden slumbers fill your eyes. Smiles await you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling, do not cry. And I will sing a lullaby. And I will sing a lullaby…” 

  Aurora had finally drifted back to sleep, so you walked over to her crib to lay her back down; stopping for a minute to watch her dream, barely noticing a tear slip down your cheek until Auston kissed it away 

  “What’s wrong (Y/N)?” he asked, arms wrapped tightly around your waist and you just shook your head

  “What do you think she would’ve been like?” 

  “Just like her sister…” he said without hesitation and another tear left your eye

  “I didn’t think it would be this hard…” you confessed, turning to bury your head in Auston’s chest, “but I miss our baby.” He hugged you tightly, laying his cheek against your head and you felt a few tears fall from his eyes

  “I miss her too” he said, kissing your temple sweetly before you pulled back to look at him. You sighed and wiped away your tears, keeping your arms wrapped around Auston’s waist as he walked you back to the bedroom. It was a bittersweet moment; you had just gotten engaged, your beautiful daughter was sleeping peacefully and you had an amazing day with friends but you couldn’t help thinking about the daughter you lost. When you looked over at Auston, who was now sleeping soundly beside you, you thought about how lucky you were to have someone like him in your life. Someone who, not only understood your past and the pain you’d gone through but who loved you through the pain and didn’t try to fight any of it. You smiled as you watched his chest rise and fall and you couldn’t help yourself, you kissed his neck to wake him up. 

  “Hey babe” he groaned as he woke up, “what’s going on?” You slowly climbed on top of him, legs on either side to straddle him 

  “I thought I’d celebrate us for a second…” you smiled, moving your hands to the hem of his shirt and leaning down to capture his lips

  “What happened? Not that I’m complaining…”

  “Nothing happened.. I’m just thankful for you, I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me…�� you smiled as he planted his large hands on your ass, pulling you closer to him. You kissed his lips feverishly, pulling him up to sit up as you kept him locked in the kiss; only parting from his lips when he lifted your shirt over your head

  “I’m thankful for you too” he said quickly before you peeled his shirt off and moved back to capture him in a heated kiss. You could tell he didn’t want to break the kiss as much as you but he was determined to gain control, so he flipped you over so he was on top still not breaking away from the kiss. He moved his hands slowly to the waistband of your pajama shorts and pushed them down, moving his lips to your neck as you quickly dragged his bottoms off with your feet; craving his skin on yours with every movement. 

  “Auston…” you moaned and he lifted his gaze from your neck to meet your eyes, your chest heaving only now realizing how long it had been since you had felt him like this and you pushed yourself closer to him for a kiss; your fingers twisting in his hair before you smiled against his lips

  “What are you smiling at?” he asked, pulling away briefly before smiling down at you

  “You…” you admitted, “I love you Auston Matthews.” You whispered before laying a soft kiss to his lips and he continued to smile, nothing but love in his eyes 

  “I love you too, (Y/N).”

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[starryeyed-char]

Close Call ~PART 2

Read Part 1 First

Catch this fic on AO3

Guess who’s back with more angst! It’s me!

Essentially (if this comes up in your tags and you haven’t read the first part), Keith and Lance get captured and separated. It doesn’t work out too well for anyone. Go read that one first. This one is longer because the parts just get progressively longer okay let me live.

I’m gonna just @taylor-tut and @dogsahoy and @voltronpaella since I tagged you three blessings in the first part so I may as well tag you in this, too.

This part is what’s currently happening with our favorite blue paladin. Enjoy! or don’t enjoy because everything i write is sad af

“You're awake.”

The voice carried immeasurable relief, which Lance couldn't help but consider odd, seeing as he didn't recognize it.

He blinked, eyes adjusting blearily to the dim prison cell. Consciousness, unfortunately, brought the pain in his side with it. He shifted his gaze to the person leaning over him, who appeared to be pressing a cloth to the stab wound.

And Lance sucked in a breath. He knew those eyes. The color of the hair, the pale skin, even down to the small build. Lance recognized it all.

Despite never seeing the boy in person before, Lance knew without a shred of doubt that he was looking at none other than Matt Holt.

“I thought you were a goner for sure,” Matt muttered, more to himself than to Lance. “How the hell did the Galra capture another human? What're you doing in space?”

Ignoring the searing pain and blood that continued to stubbornly flow from his gash, Lance couldn't resist a smile. “You're Matt Holt, aren't you?”

Matt sat back, eyes wide with shock. “Yeah...?” he said carefully, watching as Lance moved to press the cloth to his own wound.

“Well, I'm Lance,” he stuck out a hand, before realizing it was covered in blood. He flashed Matt an apologetic smile, and returned to applying pressure. “I'm... sort of here to rescue you.”

Matt snorted. “Great job, on your part.”

“I'm just glad I found you,” Lance shrugged. “Keith and I would've scouted the whole base just to get to this one cell, but now he can just... oh, hey, you didn't happen to see another human here, did you?”

“Two humans?” Matt raised an eyebrow.

Lance nodded, pushing himself up along the wall. “Yeah. My... teammate Keith came here with me. He's wearing armor like mine, except his is red, and he's got really dark hair that's too long?”

Matt shook his head. “The only human I've ever seen here is you. Well, besides Takashi, but that was— never mind.”

“Hopefully that means he got out okay,” Lance mumbled. “But they could've put him in a different cell. Do you think they'd separate us, if he got captured, too?”

Matt winced. “Well, I think it's a good thing he's not in this cell.” At this, Lance only looked more confused, so Matt continued. “From what I understand, this is the cell where they put the... dying prisoners.”

Lance supposed that made sense. Why keep injured prisoners around? They wouldn't last in the terrible conditions, and probably wouldn't be able to endure the type of rough questioning he knew the Galra were fans of.

“That means that Keith isn't badly injured,” he breathed out in relief. “That is, if he even got caught. Knowing Keith, he probably destroyed the remaining sentries and didn't even notice I got taken.”

Or he's dead already, Lance's brain supplied helpfully.

“But... you're here,” Matt said slowly, as if he thought Lance might be delirious, and not fully understand the direness of his own situation.

“Yeah, yeah,” Lance dismissed the statement with a wave of one blood-coated hand. “So are you, but you seem fine to me.”

Matt sighed, and rolled up his pant leg. Lance resisted the impulse to gasp.

His leg had a long cut down it, painted in angry reds and yellows that stood out especially on his fair skin. “Old wound that got reopened during the fight,” he told Lance. “Guess it didn't completely heal right the first time. It's infected, and I can barely walk. The warden thought it'd be best to just throw me in here until I succumb to the fever.”

Lance took this time to look at Matt in more detail. Sure enough, his skin was paler than it probably should be, and his forehead shimmered with sweat. He hesitated, then reached out to place a palm on the other boy's head.

“Quiznak,” Lance cursed. “You are a little warm. We've got to get you out of here.”

“Get me out of here?!” Matt asked, incredulous. “You're the one bleeding out!”

“Maybe I am now, but my team will be here soon,” Lance said, assuring himself more than Matt. “They'll break us both out, and after an hour in the pods we'll be good as new.”

“Your team?” Matt asked, brows furrowed. “Pods?”

“Yeah, my team. You've been in space for a little over a year, right? Ever heard of Voltron?”

“Well, yeah,” Matt said slowly. “The Galra talked about it all the time. When the resistance broke me out, they finally explained what it was. Five robot lions that combine, right? Most powerful weapon in the universe?”

“That's us,” Lance grinned proudly. “As you could probably tell by the armor, I pilot the blue lion. So don't worry, getting us out of here will be a piece of cake for them. Actually, I don't know about the cake... there's no cake in space, I can tell you that much. Plenty of goop, though.”

“You pilot the blue lion?” Matt's doubt was obvious, and Lance felt his smile falter.

“Yeah?”

“But... you're just a kid!” Matt exclaimed.

“I'm nineteen!” Lance declared, outraged. “Besides, the pilot of the green lion is even younger than I— oh, shit! I can't believe I didn't mention Pidge! She's going to be so happy you're okay! Well, not exactly okay, but—”

“Who's... who's Pidge?”

Lance stared at him dumbly for a moment, before smacking a hand to his forehead. "Great, now I feel like a complete idiot. I know her as Pidge, but I guess you probably always called her Katie. You should get used to Pidge, though, or everyone on the castle's going to be really confused—”

“Katie,” Matt whispered. “Katie as in my little sister? My little sister is piloting the green lion, one of the five most powerful weapons in existence?”

“Yeah, and she's pretty good at it, too,” Lance informed him. “Not as good of a pilot as me, of course, but decent. She's definitely the smartest one of us, that's for sure. She's... she's been looking for you everywhere.”

Matt slumped against the wall, his expression of confused yet happy shock was so similar to Pidge that Lance felt his smile return full force.

“And you probably remember Shiro,” Lance continued. “He's the leader. Pilot of the black lion.”

Matt laughed. “Why am I not surprised?”

“We've... we've all been searching for you for a really long time. So, you understand why I can't exactly let you die yet.”

“You're in worse shape than I am,” Matt argued, fixing Lance with an unamused glare. “My reunion with Katie isn't about to be ruined by the death of one of her closest friends.”

“That's fair,” Lance agreed. “But I've survived literally being in the same room as a bomb that went off, thanks to Altean tech. Don't worry, we're gonna be okay. All we have to do is wait.”

Matt nodded, hopeful, and Lance smiled back.

But with the amount of blood Lance had already lost, he knew that his chances were slim. As much as he played the part of the idiot, Lance McClain wasn't stupid. And he knew Matt wasn't either.

He also knew that all things considered, Lance should be terrified. But he wasn't, which was the actual scary part.

Still, if his death got Pidge her brother back... would that really be such a bad way to go?

Part 3 Part 4

[burndownthehousetonight]

Fake Lyrics

So, this is kind of a weird post. You know how I write lyrics for a lot of the scenes that show up in my RPs? Whenever I do that, I use a placeholder melody to make sure they would flow with the tune, even if there’s a small stretch to the melody. As per request by @tinyredartist, This is sort of a catalog of the fake lyrics I’ve written and the melodies I used. There are timestamps to know what part I references, or referenced most heavily, in some cases.

IMPORTANT: My music taste is varied and absolutely terrible. Despite the character I write for, I am embarrassingly unknowledgable when it comes to music, so don’t go expecting the lourve down here.

If you just wanna hear the music, you can find a playlist of every song on this list here

Andra Day - Gold

"Tell me all about your violent history 'Bout your scars and all your little fights Take me to the marble gardens Gonna have to beg your pardon But I can't wait another night" (1:09) "But starlight won't look on, or do you want that? Midnight, dusk and dawn will forget all our crimes Give me a taste, just one taste too much Night is over, the day's arrived How are we alive?"  (1:49)

Bobby Caldwell - What You Won’t Do For Love

"Go get our epitaphs engraved And we'll destroy the brand new age Brick and mortar turned to gold Under butchered steel and atomic roads" (0:11)

Natalia Kills - Saturday Night

"Let's die in God-forsaken rays His golden light, our purple haze One night with blasphemy Through the rosy lens of an Oxy craze" (0:35)

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

"Don't go flagging down that Benz Don't kiss that diamond Cartier Those red flags are dyed with blood from guys who couldn't get away" (0:30)

Macy Gray - I’ve Committed Murder

"I've already died for you, no, no one's got a clue Pick me up at Shana's Tavern and we'll shift to overdrive You can find our stolen kisses hidden underneath my "grave" They can pry it from our corpses when we burn alive" (0:44)

Eddie From Ohio - Twenty Thousand Hearts

"It's all frigid shade for the autumn raids But we're breathing, moving Shattered, but the ceasefire's ordered We're safe, close, and quartered No battle lines are drawn" (0:53)

Marina and the Diamonds - Radioactive

"Kiddo's got a new scar Better sound the alarms He's deliriously happy from that saber-tooth charm" (0:15) "I'll never be your green-eyed concubine I'd kill you, but those muscles looks divine Those hips are mine" (2:25)

Lee Brotherton - Dream of an Absolution

"I can't have the past stay prologue when I'm dying to feel your touch But I can't bear to take replacement With a faker's pathetic clutch" (0:43)

Blue Stahli - Corner

"You ain't the first to rip through this flawless masochistic chest Come give that C4 cradle Lullay and lullay my pain to rest" (1:41)

Heather Dale - Medusa

"You ain't sorry, don't you hide that shit behavior Say your prayers, cause you're gonna meet your savior Was your life worth one night of wasted trust? Your skin'll leather up real nice for a jacket of your lust" (0:47)

Cruel Youth - Mister Watson

“Ms. Manners, save it, we don't need moral crap We ain't gutter trash with hearts of gold, just criminal hacks No point in talking, save that uppity trash We don't need your help, just let us live in white And diamond black “ (0:47)

Sia - Big Girls Cry

“Come on into our summer ocean Bring some friends and we'll cause commotion Take a ride on the wave vibrato I’ve got music and bad moscato Perfect friends and a gold tomorrow” (0:42)

MØ - Lean On

“Nothing left for us here But some ratshit town running backwards Let Godiva’s men curdle up and melt To our last performance Played on jerrycans and revolvers“ (0:15)

Alexa Vega - Infected

“I'm bleeding out, don't come no closer I'm bleeding out, don't come no closer Don't blame me if I bled on your ax When it came from your psycho attacks You ain't Norman Bates, you're just some B-list edgy trash” (0:53)

Ruth B - First Time

“I won't remember this song tomorrow, guess that's how it goes But I'll remember hydrangea blue and bubblegum primrose I won't remember a single note I'm struggling to let out But I'll love this homemade sweet bouquet of emerald clover sprouts” (0:42)

X - Around My Heart

“Falling up the sky Splashed into constellations Floated on 'til they forced me to fall That's how I came here” (0:18)

Stacey Q - Two Of Hearts

"Today, is it gonna be a reminiscence about you? Or is that coin gonna fall on self disgust? I wasn't close to self destruction, I was close to you Dorado ain't so grand without your diamond dust” (0:15)

Sylvan Esso - Die Young

“I thought you were the one hooked on narcotics But I miss your vomit, it's so tragicomic Everything looks ugly under incandescence Hide it under neon, just don't hide your presence” (0:07)

Scissor Sisters - Mary

“Pistol whip me, hack me like a lamb Be my drugged-out viscous high I sponged off your love, destroyed your band Please sleep with me, please skin me one last time

Oh, love you 'til I die.... Oh, love me 'til I die” (0:46)

Huey Lewis & the News - Power of Love

“Take a number, take a seat, Tons of better man want a taste of me I don’t have the time for some guttertrash punk A white trash black-out drunk" (0:57)

Bad Brains - Big Take Over

“Let’s make a show outta my assault We won’t warn them, no chance to knock Slam me down, get me off on the asphalt They’re gonna watch me ride that cock” (0:48)

Bruno Mars - Finesse

“Let’s find out if we’re a match Got a gambling heart Place your bets on if we’ll last It’s all or nothing” (1:06)

A Flock of Seagulls - Space Age Love Song

“The poppies dyed Your hair virgin white You were Ceres’s child But you shriveled in fall” (1:01)

“Your crown of leaves Glistened vibrantly Sweet Persephone, All your flowers were pulled” (1:30)

Amberian Dawn - River of Tuoni

“It’s all gilded golden bile The sweetest chocolate smooth dripping arsenic Take one bite and watch the world Glitch and tear and iridesce into amethyst No one shall ever survive Drowning in your violet blood" (0:35)

Demi Lovato - Sorry Not Sorry

“Drinking fine fine wine and shitty booze Got nothing left to lose Looking pretty like a bruise Miss Violet B ain't feeling half as broken as me So make it hurt” (0:06)

Descendants - Suburban Home

“Gonna need 'bout twenty coffins Come and make your funeral offerings Rest in peace, you splattered chav Pollock made by molotov” (0:33)

The Proclaimers - Sunshine on Leith

“My death approaches, decades of notice No now, no then, just see what happens One more is gone, like daylight and song Changing tides stay calm Riding the path of times arrow's wrath Swells terror and intrigue and grandeur and mystery One straight shot“ (1:08)

((More will be added as more fake lyrics are written))

[lavieenprose]

When the loss of romantic love no longer breaks your heart, life finds another way

Last week I heard from a friend who’s heartbroken. The details of her particular situation are incidental; it’s always the same story. As it happens, she’s much younger than I am, but I knew better than to tell her any of the perfectly true things — that she was a brilliant, beautiful young woman and would, without doubt, fall in love again, with someone more deserving of her, that this would pass, that she’d be happy again — that would’ve been of no use to her. I didn’t want to condescend to her as though she were some silly little girl head over heels with hormones, and also didn’t want to sound like some desiccated old person who’s forgotten what it’s like to be in love.

I myself am not unfamiliar with the etiology of heartbreak. Let’s not dwell on this: I’ve written about it at length elsewhere, and it’s frankly embarrassing. A typical scenario involved me curled up on the bathroom floor weeping piteously into a smelly old towel. (“Weeping into the towel” became verbal shorthand for the whole ordeal, one that I’m afraid got wearisomely familiar to my closest friends.) The particular strain of love my young friend was suffering — unrequited, or unavailable — is one of which I made rather a vocation for a couple of decades. In my own experience, a recurring attraction to people who are unavailable usually means you’re not ready to fall in love with someone who is. Some form of love that’s impeded or incomplete (illicit, unilateral, long-distance, epistolary) may be all you can take — or, more importantly, give — at that point in your life. It may be, despite your protestations, what you really want. My friend Margot likes to ask, of people in such situations: “If you weren’t thinking about [x person] all the time, what would you be thinking about instead?” — because the answer is usually what you’re trying to avoid by burying yourself alive in your romantic/sexual obsession.

It’s been over a decade since that last happened to me. I hesitate even to write those words, like a superstitious pitcher afraid to break a streak. My loves used to be operatic; my heartbreaks, Toscan; and my jealousy not just Othelloan but Medean — the kind where you send someone a poisoned dress, murder your own children, and drive off in a chariot drawn by dragons. But my last bout of insane jealousy and rage, which commandeered my brain like a parasite for the better part of a year and had to be extinguished with vipassana meditation, seems to have burned out the circuit in my head. Since then I’ve had whole relationships in which my partner and I saw each other only on weekends, I didn’t know or ask what she did during the week, and the question of whom else she might be sleeping with didn’t seem like any of my business.

Having had so many inconvenient, and frequently disastrous, crushes eventually affords you enough experience, enough of an emotional buffer, that you can learn to recognize them in the early stages and let them discreetly wither instead of cultivating them. If you’re lucky, eventually you get tired of your own pathology, exhausted by all the energy it takes to fall deliriously in love and get horribly heartbroken again and again. Like an addict driven into recovery, you get sick of the endless vacillation between euphoria and agony. In Seymour: An Introduction, Buddy Glass (Salinger’s alter ego) writes: “I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.” Ideally, you learn to love in less volatile, precarious ways.

Though even this explanation gives me too much credit: mostly it’s just a matter of deranging chemicals gradually ebbing from my brain. (I tell my girlfriend that I only became datable within the last five years. I think she thinks I’m joking.) But my young friend is still at an age when love really is the most important thing in life — evolutionarily speaking, finding a mate is the most important mission of youth, besides survival — so it’s only natural that she’s deep in the summer storms of endorphins. It’d be facile for me to give her my dumb adult reassurances now that I’m no longer susceptible to those debilitating bouts of infatuation and heartbreak. Equanimity is a virtue of age, not youth. Youth’s virtue is passion — even my students’ angst and ennui are more intensely felt than my own dull depression and boredom.

But I mostly refrained from giving wise older-person advice because I don’t believe there is some state of wisdom we slowly mature toward and eventually attain. (When would that even be — the moment when our personalities are complete and our understanding at its peak? Sometime, presumably, between infantile and senile incontinence.) The problems I had at age seven were no less serious than the ones I have now — they were more serious, in fact, since my current problems do not include any likelihood of being sat on and having my hair pulled. Every age has its own truths, particular to the needs of that phase of life: childhood truths and teenage truths, young-adult and middle-aged ones, and, if we live long enough to learn them, the unwelcome truths of old age. They tend to arrive in the form of retrospect: you really get good at being a kid around age 11 or 12, on the idyllic eve of destruction; you finally feel like you might be getting the hang of adulthood right around the time you’re diagnosed with something that’s not going to go away. An optimistic projection would be that, on our deathbeds, maybe we’ll finally have figured out what life was all about.

These truths also don’t seem to be transferable, at least not backward. When I was a college freshman, we would mock upperclassmen who didn’t go out and get black-out drunk every night — we were never gonna turn into boring old stay-at-home 22-year-olds! There would have been no way for those sagacious juniors to explain to us why they no longer wanted to get drunk nightly, anymore than parents can explain to the childless why all the forfeitures they’ve chosen are worth it. If you were to ask me whether it makes me sad that I haven’t been heartbroken in over a decade (but no one ever asks questions like that), I’d say it makes me a little sad that it doesn’t make me sad. It’d be like missing going out and chugging Jägermeister on a Tuesday. I just don’t want my head to feel like that, ever again.

The other night I was talking with a friend about how relieved we both were to have outgrown the hopeless crushes, doomed affairs, and obliterating heartbreaks of our younger years. We’re no longer capable of hurling ourselves as heedlessly into love as we did back then; we instinctively hedge our affections, the same way you learn, if you survive your teens, not to drive 120 miles an hour on twisty backroads with the headlights off. Later, over a second or maybe third round, we segued into more somber and mature problems: the unbearable sadness of watching the slow dissolution of our parents’ personalities — their forgetfulness, hallucinations, delusions. As an adult, you try to meet this with as much equanimity, compassion, and humor as you can, but some little-kid part of you is enraged at seeing them so diminished, and panicked at being abandoned. After a glum pause, my friend said: “Remember those heartbreaks we said we were lucky to have left behind…?” You could almost hear the whanh-wah-whaaahh — that trombone mock-lament at the end of the sitcom as our heroes realize that the joke, once again, is on them. Punchline being, life’s just one goddamn heartbreak after another.

It’s a truism, post-Freud, that heartbreak feels so eviscerating — regardless of which incidental jerk or wacko it happens to attach to — because it’s really an abreaction, a reenactment of much earlier, more primal losses we’ve forgotten: Oedipal triangles and abandonments, bad breakups with your first loves, whom you never really got over. But causality is only one-way in human perception: you could also interpret them not as repressed memories but premonitions; distant, preliminary shivers of the arctic desolation that awaits us at the other end of life.

Anyway, soon enough I’ll be weeping as I eat this essay, sneering through my tears back at past me, Mr. Smart Guy, who postured as wise and imagined himself past silly afflictions of youth like love and sorrow. I’m about to discover what heartbreak at 52 feels like. The details are incidental; it’s always the same story. This one feels a little like death: I’ve always known it was coming, intellectually; I just didn’t think it would be yet. Now it’s looming like a meteor or tsunami, too late to outrun. Hopefully it won’t be as crippling an experience as it was in my twenties (though the adolescent fear that No One Will Ever Love You Again has a new shadow of plausibility the older you get). Maybe it’ll be like the difference between Tosca or Tchaikovsky’s Pathétique — wrenching, histrionic — and something more like Beethoven’s Cavatina, or Mahler’s Ninth — an exquisite melancholy. Probably it’ll just suck. But I don’t really know, any more than I can know what it’s like to see people who aren’t there, or confuse dreams with memories, or forget your children’s names. But I guess we’ll find out.

[goddess-complex]

8/29: first day back, long ass personal journal entry

my first day back at school has been amazing. i procrasstinated packing (of course:P) so i was up all night stuffing suitcases and at some point, i put on a channel called METV cause it was playing an episode of alfred hitchcocks show and ended up losing the remote and spent several hours in a sleep deprived, early AM twilight zone of packing while weird old sitcoms kept playing?? like the facts of life, and this weird show about a teacher and the donna reed show and one show about a train?? a family who runs a hotel near a train? then at like 5 am i love lucy came on, by that point, i was practically delirious. but i went shopping with my mom and got shoes and wine and hair stuff and then came home, my brother made eggs and my sister made sausage and we just ate breakfast and i said bye to everyone and left with my dad. i was feeling a liiiittle sentimental and eating my leftover frozen cookie dough custard in the car but then i knocked out while we were in NYC and woke up in CT. getting to hartford and getting back to campus was actually so nice. 

unloading the first bags, i saw the CUTEST, TINIEST LITTLE CORGI PUPPY!!!! SHE WAS SO SMALL!! the guy walking her was a fuking angel or smthn idk and i was so happy to just pet her!! two of my roommates (the two im closest friends with sarah and matt) were home when i got there and we said hi and my dad helped me unpack. then my dad took me to walgreens to pick up some stuff (i realized i forgot my toothbrush and showercap while we were ten minutes away from home) and he gave me some money and left. its always a little sad, initially, being left without all of ur family?? like you know? even if they bug you, like, you spend so much time with them thats its a little disconcerting to suddenly be 2.5 hours away in another state without any of them. and im very attached to familiarity (taurus rising, cap moon!!!) so being at home where i spent 16 years of my life is very natural and comforting to me, idk. im trying to get over it a little, bc its limiting to me, i wish i felt as comfortable in new places as i do at home, anywayyy

i really love the apartment. we only have two folding chairs for living room furniture lol but we’re going shopping soon. the kitchen is full of food and appliances already cause everyone else moved in before me. theres two full bathrooms, the upstairs on has a tub! we have SO MUCH fucking closet space its amazing. im rooming with sarah and the room has 3 decent sized windows, plus one full floor to ceiling one near my bed! its cozy and it lets in a lot of light. we’re close to the campus market and subway and not at all far from the academic buildings, its like, perfect. i half-assed unpacked a little, my other roommates, ryan and chris came back and everything was just really chill.

 so then, sarah and matt were talking about smoking and our friend liam came through because he happened to see sarah through the window. so the 4 of us grinded up liams weed and made tea and just chilled listening music. theres this big ass bag of mini chocolates that i have eaten like 7 giant handfuls of. i hit up my bud guy, and went over to get a dub (a hugeee dub) and got lost trying to find his apt lol. i stopped to say hi to my drama club friends and find out THEY ALL LIVE 2 APARTMENTS DOWN FROM ME!! its literally 3 apartments in a row thats all my friends!!! i live so close to my favorite people on campus its so cool. 

but i got back and matt had gone to bed cause they have an early class. so me sarah and liam smoked in our room. then liam left, and sarah went to bed but my OTHER friend kaia came through! she dropped out to go to a community college but she lives near the school so shes on campus a lot. and ryan and chris were up, so i poured everyone huuuge glasses of the wine i brought and ryan gave me some mac and cheese and we just hung out. i was really obviously high but like it was ok?? theres so much freedom in the village (the dorms where i live) i love it, its amazing. so kaia brought her dog lilli and it was so fun. we ended up going outside to smoke a cig and drink boujie wine spritzers i made with like, 7up and white wine (which were surprisingly good?) and ran into some of my drama friends, (different) chris and katey. so 4 of us just sat outside and chatted then MORE people came by, a DIFFERENT liam who kaia’s good friends with and his gf jackie who i know from a club we have together. and this kid andrew from rugby. so liam invited us over to his to smoke (again!!) and we went and he had flavored papers and we just chilled with his roommates and smoked in his room. so im SLUMPED at this point, remember i only slept for like 2 hrs in the car, so i go back to mine with kaia and we hang out for a bit. she has work at 6am (shes like, the captain of a row team or smthn?? but she gets paid? idek) so its like 12 or 1 and shes gonna sleep for a bit over in our living room until she has to leave. so i went to bed. it was SUCH  good first day, i just KNOW its gonna set the tone for the year!

so today is the first official day of classes and i still have to finish/ (start) registering..... i dont have a schedule yet....i figure ill do it today and start tomorrow, which is only one day late, so its not that bad right?? lol. i mean i KNOW its bad, but the consequences aren’t dire, i just have to find classes that are still open, which i registered late last time and it wasnt so hard to find open classes. thats my dirty secret of the moment lol, i have NO CLASS. so today i woke up early a little weed hungover (foggy brained ugh) and its such cool, gray weather. its almost 10 am.

i had a cup of coffee and my adderall and when im done writing this, im gonna shower and wash my hair. then i have to go around to different spots on campus to ask if they’re hiring. hopefully ill get a couple job applications. then/or before that, i have to go to housing and get my apartment keys (they were closed yesterday) then i figure ill probably come back home, hit up some of my friends i havent seen yet, and do some more unpacking/ laundry. 

around 4, im gonna take my stuff and go to starbucks for lunch and register for classes. then ill probably do some quick food shopping at the campus store. i have 1000 dining dollars for the semester so thats about $250 food budget per month, which is cool. i also have 100 dining hall swipes, but im probably gonna save those for eating with people. i feel like all the bad things about last year are gone. like, living in an apartment is so much better than a dorm. i just like living with people i actually like, know and can talk to. vs my roommate last year who got really fucking weird like 3 weeks in and we dead just stopped talking at all to each other whateverrr though, its a new year! 

after shopping im probably gonna come back, finish unpacking/ decorating/laundry and find out dates and times for club meetings and auditions cause i missed the club fair.  kaia’s coming over later bc i left my ipad in her bag, so we’ll probably do something or at least smoke. i have a really fat dub lmaoo. kaia knows so many people she just always has something going on. its gonna be a good day and a good year im optimistic, but realistic!! im gonna MAKE it a good year