#although who am I kidding I will wear my Hawaiian shirt on all 4 days

[hidefdoritos]

Whenever I think I pack too much, I remember my 3-day Chicago trip where I packed 4 bras and 2 of them shredded immediately. That was a formative moment.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You’re visiting Bonham in Colorado for Christmas one year, and it’s freezing. You’re walking back to her house from the neighbor’s when she starts walking over the pond he has, which has frozen over. You’re skeptical. “Are you sure this is safe?” “Oh yeah I do this all the time, come on.” You follow after her, and you skitter across quickly because you’re afraid the ice isn’t strong enough. “I don’t know what you’re worried about, it’s perfectly–” Bonham hit a soft spot in the ice while walking and fell in up to her chest. What do you do?

“Ok, don’t freak out. You need to remain calm. I remember watching a video on this. Raise your feet up behind you while kicking to break the ice. Once you break through and are on the solid ice. Do not stand up. Slowly army crawl your way towards me.” I’d then lecture her about walking over a froze pond. 

2. You go to the grocery store with Bonham really late one evening, and she’s wearing one of her dad’s old Hawaiian shirts because “it was the nearest thing and it’s comfortable.” She didn’t change out of her shorts and put on sandals because they were right by the door. When walking down one aisle, a pair of college guys are there and one stage-whispers to the other, “Whoa, obvious tourist alert.” What do they do and how do you two respond?

They laugh a little and we just ignore them. Fuck ‘em. We don’t care what they say. 

3. Mal comes to you one day with a serious tone. “Mom, Dad, I have to tell you something. I got Sylvia pregnant, and her parents won’t help her out, and we don’t know what to do.” Before you can say anything, Kevin says, “How could you do this to me? I’m too young to be a grandpa!” How do you respond, and what do you do about the situation?

“Kevin, it happened so shush.” I can tell Mal’s really nervous about telling us. “Mal, it’s ok. We understand these things happen. If Sylvia’s parents kicked her out she can stay here ok?” Sylvia stays with us and we help them with the baby, although I make Mal get an after-school job to help pay for the baby because babies are expensive. 

4. Bonham and Randy are visiting your parent’s house with you and Kevin, and Bonham’s pregnant. She’s humming to herself and looking at her stomach, trying to sing to the baby. Kevin asks, “What are you singing?” She says, “My Little Man by Ozzy.” Your sister walks through at that moment and says, “If that’s the same shit BabyCarrot listens to you’re gonna fuck that kid up. You probably will anyway but who am I to judge.” How do the 4 of you respond?

Me: That’s it. You can treat me like fucking trash all you want. But the minute you start acting like it around my friends you’re in for it. You do not speak to Bons that way. Our mother raised you better and you know if she was out here you’d be getting an ass whooping for sure even though you’re 22. Now I don’t fucking care if you feel that way about my fucking music or the music we make but you will fucking apologize to Bons right the fuck now or so help me. 

Sister: What? What will you do?

I get up in her face and whisper something in her ear that Bonham, Randy, and Kevin can’t hear. she goes white and then immediately apologizes to Bonham. 

Bonham: I never thought you’d ever stand up to her. 

Randy and Kevin don’t say anything because they’re kind of surprised at how much I freaked out at her. 

5. You’re sitting on the couch one day when Bonham calls your phone. “Hello?” “Oh praise Jesus it’s fake. Oh my God that was terrifying!” You’re confused. “What was terrifying?” “I read an article that said you died last night of alcohol poisoning. Looks like it’s your first celebrity death hoax.” You do a quick Google search, and sure enough, about 5 articles pop up with titles that vary the theme of “WAR ANGEL SINGER DEAD AT 27″. Your phone is blowing up with calls from Kevin, your band, your family, and various friends. How do you decide to go about this?

I call Kevin first because he’s probably freaking out at practice with Randy and the boys. And then I call my mom and grandmother they’ll relay the rest of the news to my family. And my dad because he’s probably at work, or most likely driving to my house because my mother sent him. I call the boys in the band and then the friends I talk to. After that, I go on every social media platform I have and post a message saying I’m not dead and then I purposely make sure to go out so the media can get pictures of me alive and well.  

6. You, Bonham, and the boys are on the bus with your band headed to your next tour stop. Around midnight, you hear Daryl say, “Let’s play penis.” Bonham responds to this with, “No way it’s midnight and you always take it too far too fast.” “What? What’s that?” you ask. Bonham says, “It’s a stupid game we used to play on the bus, someone starts it by saying penis and then other people take turns saying it except you have to be louder than the last person and dickweed over there always starts out screaming so it doesn’t work.” How do you, Kevin, Randy, and the rest of the band respond?

Me: when did you play this last? I’ve never been here for your games. 

Erik: I do not get this game at all. 

Kevin and Randy are both laughing because they find it really funny. And Linus is too high off his ass to even know what we’re talking about. 

7. You’re at dinner with Bonham and the boys when the salad comes out. It’s pretty bad, and at one point Randy says, “This is so nasty.” Kevin replies with, “Yeah I’d rather go outside and eat grass.” Bonham says, “Do it then.” How do you respond and what does Kevin do?

Kevin gets up to go outside to do it and I grab him and yank him back in the booth. “You are not fucking going outside to eat grass sit back down. Bonham, please don’t tell him to do that. You know he will.”

8. You and Kevin need a new mattress, so you’re out shopping for one, Bonham and Randy joined you for some unknown reason. You’re milling about and Kevin is “testing” them by flopping down on them as hard as he can. Bonham sits on one and says, “This is like a brick–whoa! C’mere!” You sit with her and feel that when you initially sit, it does feel like a brick, but after a moment you sink into it. “Ooh, I like this.” Kevin hears you and says, “Let’s test!” and goes to flop. He flops down, and the mattress is completely unyielding, like a brick. After he flops, he groans. “Why didn’t you tell me it was a fucking brick?” How do you, Bonham, and Randy respond?

Me: Maybe you shouldn’t dive bomb every mattress. 

Bonham: Kevin, are you ok?

Randy, stifling laughter: That was kind of funny. But are you ok Kevin? 

9. You’re at a family party with Bonham and the boys. One of Bonham’s older cousins has his kid in his lap, and the kid is telling a story. The kid says, “And I thought, ‘What the heck is he thinking?” Kevin jokingly says, “What? Such language in the presence of a lady!” The kid doesn’t get it and Bonham’s cousin looks mad. What do you, Randy, and Bonham do?

Me: Kevin! 

Randy: Kevin no need to be the language police you say worse. 

Bonham: Ignore him, Jimmy. Kevin just likes to be funny sometimes. 

10. Bonham’s noodling around on her sax one day and 5-year old Mal can’t get enough of it. At one point he says, “Auntie Bon, that’s so cool! Could I touch it?” She smiles and says, “You wanna play her?” His eyes just light up. “Could I?” “Sure kiddo, here.” She twists the neck joint around so it’s facing Mal but her hands are still properly on the keys. “Just blow here, okay?” He does, and she fingers out a melody. He finishes his breath then looks at her in awe. “Did I just play that?” “You sure did buddy.” “Cool!” How do you, Kevin and Randy respond?

I squeal because it’s so fucking cute and Bonham makes a great aunt. 

Kevin: Thanks for letting him try your sax, Bons. 

Randy: You sound great Mal. You’ll be a natural just like your Auntie Bon. 

11. Your band just finished a show and you’re doing a meet and greet. Two male fans come up to you, a father and his teenage son. They come up to you and Bonham and the son says how much of a fan he is. He asks if it would be okay if he hugged you guys, and of course, you say yes. You then turn to the dad, and he’s just an all-around creep from the get-go. The kid is embarrassed and tries to stop him, but he just tells him, “Be quiet Jimmy, one of these ladies will be your stepmom by morning.” How do you two respond?

Me: No thank you, sir. The two of us are already happily married. 

Bonham: Hey, why don’t we call them over. They’re right over there. Randy! Kevin! 

The guy pushes his son past us then because he sees Randy and Kevin heading his way. 

--------------------

1) Your and your singer are stalking her and Kevin’s son Mal’s first date. He’s sitting at a booth in a restaurant and has been waiting an hour for his date. Soon it is pretty apparent that he has been stood up. He looks really bummed about it. What do you and your singer do? 

2) You’re sitting with your singer and Kevin on their couch when Eddie comes bounding down the stairs and asks, “Can I go to the movies with Andy tonight?” Your singer looks at him and says, “No, it’s a school night.” He huffs and says, “You never let me do anything.” Your singer puts down the book she’s reading and goes, “I don’t speak rude, what’s that in polite-person-ese?” How do you, Kevin, and Eddie respond?

3) Your singer thinks it’d be a great idea to go onto one of those talent shows when you’re just starting out and you get up to where it’s televised. You, Daryl, Erik, Linus, and your singer step out onto the stage in full glam. The judges look at you for a solid two minutes until one asks, “Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you wearing?” How do you, your singer, and the boys answer and what do the judges think once you’ve finished?

4) Your singer has a fucked up ankle. While walking down steps with you, Kevin, and Randy it gives out. She squeals and catches herself on the railing. Kevin asks if she’s ok and she says, “Yeah, my ankles done that since I was a kid. It’s always been fucked up. It’s just been happening more often lately.” How do you, Randy, and Kevin respond? 

5) You get a call from your singer really early in the morning. You answer it but don’t say anything right away because she just woke you up. You hear her go, “Come on Bons, answer, please answer. Please.” She sounds like she’s about to cry. “BabyCarrot?” “Oh thank god you’re ok. I had this horrible nightmare that felt so real that I got in an accident with you and you died.” How do you respond?

6) You, Kevin, Randy, and your singer are walking through a mall. You sit down and start to massage your knee because it really hurts. When Randy asks whats wrong you go, “I’m just having a little knee pain.” The next thing you know, he’s off in the closest store and screams at the clerk, “We’re having knee pain!!” How do you, your singer, and Kevin respond?

7) You're having a party with your roommate Stephen, your neighbor is watching his daughter for the night and he’s using this time to get absolutely hammered. He’s looking at the guacamole and asks, “What is guacamole?” You explain with it is and he answers, “If it’s made up of things that already have names, why does it have a different name?” How do you respond?

8) You’re sitting in Kevin and your singer’s kitchen and he’s making breakfast while you and your singer are at the table. He’s humming and cracking eggs in a pan when he cracks one directly into the trash can. He stops humming and looks at it in confusion for a solid five seconds. What does he say and how do you and you singer respond?

9) One day, you come over to Kevin and your singer’s house to find the tin on the side of the fridge almost overflowing with dollar bills. You’ve been curious about what it is for a while and when Kevin comes in you go, “Ok. What the fuck is this thing?” “Oh, that’s the Sin Tin.” And then he explains it to you. Your singer walks right in at the last moment. How do you and your singer respond?

10) You’ve noticed that Linus has been acting really reclusive lately. He’s never been in a band before War Angel and fame was kind of thrust upon him. You and your singer thought he was doing ok but one night after you get back to the hotel you hear horrible screams and run down to Linus’ room to see your singer holding his unconscious body. “Call the fucking ambulance! He fucking overdosed on drugs!” The ambulance comes and is able to revive him and you see him in the hospital the day after. What do you, your singer, Erik, and Daryl say to him and how does he respond?

11) You and your singer are out and you’re pregnant with your son Will. You’re pregnant before she is and a member of the paparazzi comes up and goes, “So, Bonham, are you prepared to be a mother?” And before you can answer he whirls on your singer and goes, “Since your best friend and cofounding bandmember has gotten pregnant when are you and your husband, Kevin DuBrow going to try to catch up?” How do you and your singer respond? 

@osbournebemydaddy   your move Bonham, love      

[prevsapphism]

i.graine + small talk! like / reply if you read and wna interact w modern!ig/raine because this is like Vital to her modern verse.

igraine got the idea for small talk when she was in her late teens and realised she ‘cldnt make a career out of painting’ because her work wld almost never b consistent, and inconsistency is rlly bad for igraine. and also this stigma that ‘’’’’artists starved’’’’ or whatever. 

so her idea was to create somewhere where artists cld hang out and create art and make small talk in a safe, warm, friendly environment. 

which brings me to the next point. its name, small talk arts centre, came from when igraine was trying to name her Vision so that graeme wld go through w it and bankroll them. they realised that whenever she described their project to other ppl, they always said the same thing: ‘somewhere where artists can hang out and make small talk.’ small talk arts centre sounded cute and catchy so it stuck :,)

the building was actually given to igraine as a belated birthday present in august of 1991.

 it was an old cafe building that was down on its luck in downtown portland. graeme pretty much only agreed because he ‘loved’ his wife ( read: he wanted them to shut up ) and it was rlly cheap because it was going out of business. 

it was very slow going at first....

‘small talk in 1991 was nowhere near the artistic hub it is now ; bustling, cosy, seemingly alive. it was sleepy and esoteric, known only amongst portlands art students and struggling local artists looking for ig.raines loving enthusiasm and free use of paintbrushes, coloured pencils and charcoal. 

but it soon blossomed under igraines care and drive. it was one of the most popular artists hangouts on the west coast by 1998.

from the outside, small talk looks like this, and im gna transpose copy and paste my tags on that photo into text for more description:

the bldg w the blue trim in that photo is literally what small talk looks like from the outside, although the trim is carmine-red. it has old fashioned storefront style letters on the front, rlly big windows, and climbing plants up the walls when its warm out. the sign hanging is wooden and handpainted. it has a light on top so you can read it when its dark out.

small talk is rlly big inside, and it shld b-- its always bustling. the inside / main floor is never empty-- ppl r always sat at the tables drawing or painting w watercolours or colouring on the tables themselves ( the tops r chalkboard and washed at the end of every day ) and talking. hardly anybody in small talk is ever idle.

theres a rainbow flag on one wall and this is stencilled on the other, w each phrase in rainbow colours :,)

downstairs in the bldg is the merry widow tea parlour, which is a victorian / gothic-themed teashop owned by a guy and his boyfriend. they opened there in 2011 and theyve been a smash hit since, esp round hallowe’en. igraine knows the owners rlly well and they let the small talk team get free tea all the time, esp because they pay rent to igraine now!  they arent a cat cafe, but they do have a cat!! shes a three year old tuxedo cat and their mascot. shes called the honourable miss lucinda and sometimes if its quiet on small talks main floor she gets loose and wanders round upstairs. ( the merry widow is a great date spot btw ;0 ) 

upstairs in the bldg is a loft-type lvl, w skylights overtop. theres a Bigge expanse at the forefront, which overlooks the main floor below over a balcony. ‘messier’ crafts, like painting and sculpture are to b done up here. the upper lvl has easels and painting / other art supplies, and also a corner w beanbag chairs and a power strip for ppl to Chill in. 

towards the back of the upper lvl r the four, five personal studio spaces, which can b bought and paid for monthly ( it costs less for students ) as well as igraines personal studio in the very corner, and lys office. 

at the very top / on the roof, theres a beautiful expansive patio, which igraine opens for normal activity when its warm out, does summer group stuff, her pride activities and their midsummer festival! there r flowers growing up there and kids like to draw on the patio w chalk :,) its one of igraines favourite places in small talk, esp when the sun is rising

these r igraines coworkers and they love them with all her heart.

holland will probably b the one to greet you first, as thats basically her job, and hes friendly and funny, yea, but hes goddamn LOUD shes even louder than igraine. seriously holls its 9.15 am why r you so :VVVVV. also shes never not wearing a hawaiian shirt or SOMETHING tropical print, no matter what time of the year it is. 

if its not holland, itll probably b caesar, who is much more laid back by comparison. he looks intimidating-- hes quiet and outwardly calm, has two sleeve tattoos, and usually dressed in blacks and greys-- but florians easygoing and a softie. theres a reason he leads the tiny picasso programme there w mads.

talking of which, the tiny picasso programme is Wildly Popular at small talk. its an art programme in the summer led by mads and caesar for kids aged preschool-age to about second grade, and usually they ‘make their own masterpieces, learn to follow directions thru art and the power of self expression’ as it says in the desc on the tiny picasso sect of small talks website. sometimes they have like. a concrete craft to make. they r occasionally seasonal, if a season or holiday is coming up, but they keep their creations strictly secular. ( eg flowers for spring, beach stuff for summer, snowflakes for winter etc. ) 

come late winter / early spring, parents r CLAMOURING in caesar and igraines email inboxes to get their kids into tiny picasso-- it operates on a first come, first served basis because it Blew Up when it was introduced in 1995.

igraine also talked to several local school gsas and worked w them to do programmes during the school year where leetle lgbt kids can make gӓÿ art at small talk. 

there r also a couple interns of varying degrees of paid / unpaid floating round small talk on Any Given Day.

small talk has SO MANY inside jokes. 

one of them is ‘caesar....’ ( read the tags on this post )

another one is holland and caesar being ~In Luv~ because they fuckening R and they jokingly flirt w each other all the time and REFUSE to ADMIT IT and its like GODS GUYS just KISS ALREADY

another is caesars nickname, queso. a lot of the kids he works with cant pronounce ‘caesar’ as ‘seezer’ instead of ‘kay-sar’, ( because theyre all like 4-6, ) which gradually devolved to ‘queso,’ and now all the kids call him that and so does small talks staff :,) 

small talk is rlly famous locally and there r accolades of photos and newspaper and magazine articles where its been featured framed on the walls!!

you can also get a membership at small talk!! i dont know what a membership entails but! you can. b a member. 

they have tshirts on their website and also in person probably!

theres a paper shop down the block from small talk and igraines like. in there every week for supplies. 

its funded by ppl who donate to it, members / studio renters and the programmes!