#although that wasnt an isolated incident

[risotto38]

man now im triggered. pls dont read, im venting my stupid thoughts and feelings

I should preface this by saying that for a while I had a crush on my swingshift supervisor bcos I thought he was a) handsome, b) funny, and c) really nice. But a couple of years ago there was this extremely minor incident that occurred which twisted my perspective around at a proverbial neck-breaking speed. Before this event, I had never heard the phrase "not everything is about you," and I didnt realize how popular it was on the internet. One day I heard him talking with one of my coworkers about fuckall--I had tuned him out bcos whatever it was wasnt my business, plus I was more focused on daydreaming about a new DnD character I wanted to try out (as one does at work), when suddenly I thought I heard him say my name. When I perked up and asked "what?" he gave me a weird look, like I offended him somehow, and I clarified that I thought I heard him say my name. He simply sighed and then spoke the infamous phrase that haunts me to this very day: "Not everything is about you."

And now that phrase exists in the recesses of my mind for every occasion, in his exact voice. In fact, thats how I chiefly remember him now. And it pisses me off that his voice saying that phrase pops into my mind every time I accomplish something or get hurt by something. Made it on the Dean's List a third time in a row? Well "not everything is about you," so its not that important. Losing so much blood on my monthly that I pass out? Well "not everything is about you," so its not that bad.

I realized after the fact that it was a regular phrase ppl use on the internet consistently, for no rhyme or reason, but even then I still cant shake my first time hearing it, nor can I shake my crush' voice saying it to me and I cant shake the shame and guilt I felt in that very moment.

I struggled with self esteem my whole life, and at that point I had already gone to therapy and worked through my self-deprecating thoughts and harmful behaviors, and for once in my life I felt good about myself. But that one moment in time, with his voice, sent me back over that cliff of self loathing and hatred that I am still working to re-climb. And it sucks that he has no idea how badly that moment impacted me and my mental wellbeing, and he'll never know! Because he'll never care!

[charlottefree]

anon from this evening who asked about a statment i made in 2013, here is my final statement on the subject. please read the whole thing because im too up front to have anything taken out of context. 

 im not publishing your ask but i have apologized for that, several times, including immediately following the incident. but those screenshots didnt get around. this is how i saw it then: out of all the creeps in the industry he was the only person to not only get consent but get written consent. i saw him as a scapegoat for an entire corrupt system. i felt like agents should be held accountable for urging models to do things they are uncomfortable with. the photographer in question was always respectful of me, even when i was a practically a nobody. i clearly communicated to him my standards and my boundaries which he respected more than i can say for a lot of people in the industry, if not most. while all my friends were taking off their tops in front of him, he would be knocking on the bathroom door telling his assistants to pinch it so i could use the restroom to change. i felt like people were using his name to get famous and throwing him under the bus. i felt like the whole concept of getting consent goes out the window if an adult can give written consent to something, sober and then blame anyone but themself. i too have done things i regret and wish i could blame someone else but as adults we are responsible for our own decisions. I had many chances as a model when i was beginning to do things that crossed my boundaries, and it would have got me places, but that was not worth it to me. I felt like there was no way anyone could go to his studio not knowing the type of material he shoots. i’ve never witnessed him be pushy in ways SO MANY PEOPLE in the industry are, so i figured anything done with him was done by people who were, not only were aware before doing it that they might do stuff like that, but also signed release forms, sober. The article i had read stated the girls didn’t want to say no to him because it would be like saying no to all of their cool new friends or something like that... SO from my ~mind u this was in 2013, not present~ perspective, he was being used as a scapegoat. I had only ever experienced a kind version of him who respected me and treated me like an artist and adult. He was someone who valued my opinions on things and made me feel seen and valid in an industry i was just starting in. He was one of the only people in that world who treated me like they “got” me in a time when i was so, so isolated.  But now, i see the situation differently. I’ve apologized about it several times. During that time of my life, i wasnt sleeping much at all, i was traveling constantly, and was being berated 24/7,  called faggot bitch lesbian slut whore everything under the book constantly by my partner and was also a total idiot from PTSD. i was literally fucked up all the time and people at work thought i was on drugs because i was just so out of it, (for the record i’ve come a long way since then). Working in the industry, I have had so many people ask me to push my boundaries, or try to force me to, and i've heard of so many awful stories of rape and molestation by bigwigs such as alex wang (he pulled out my t girl friends genitals at a party and laughted- and thats just one story of many) that i thought the negative attention terry was getting was unfair because in my eyes, he had never done anything with anyone that was non-consensual or with anyone who wasn't able to give their consent. as im older i can see the nuances of the situation much more clearly and i really need to distance myself from that statement.  I’m not someone who doesn't stick up for women, and although i’ve been terrible with my words i have done plenty to physically protect models, and women irl, the kinds of things i could never share or you would never hear about on the internet. i’ve kicked ass for women. i’ve beat photographers over the head w their own camera and exposed film, broke cameras of anyone i’ve seen take pictures of girls changing backstage. i’ve refused lots of money to work with rapists and abusers, and i’ve lost a lot of great opportunities for this. I’ve called out creepy famous photographers in front of large groups of people to embarrass them. I could tell you so many stories, as could my lady friends, that would show you how much i do care about protecting women. that’s the problem with the internet is that no one knows you in real life, or speaks to you on a daily basis. I’m not a misogynist, i am just a contrarian, and a devils advocate. I will stick up for someone who doesn’t have anyone in their corner, that’s just the way I am. I thought he was totally misrepresented. I got it wrong once because i connected with someone who i thought was just misunderstood, as i have often been. I’m loyal, he gave me my first paid job when i had NO money, he believed in me when i needed people in my corner. I feel really bad now for all the women who had bad experiences with him now that they are all uncovered and listed on the internet. if i had been aware of all of those experiences then, i would have never worked with him. i feel bad for endorsing someone who could have given so many women negative experiences and i wish i could take it back, but thats in the past. i can’t change the past. it’s an icky feeling, but eventually i have to move on and forgive myself. i’ve been tormented over one stupid statement enough. 

I do think it should be said that women in this industry need more support in learning how to say “no” and being empowered to make their own decisions. Agents, stylists, photographers can be bullies to often MUCH younger-than-them models and intimidate them to appease their will. I would love to see more strides made in this direction in the fashion industry, and to see more dark subjects such as pimping and rape (none of which my agency has ever been accused of) come to light. There are actually many people out there that think the risk of being sexually abused is part of being in entertainment industry and that is not ok. 

 I’m sorry if i let anyone down, it was a really stupid thing to say and i didnt even totally mean it at the time i was just having a manic tumblr moment (while working nonstop) and was being a stupid edgelord/contrarian or w/e. when someone like azealea banks posts a rant people are very offended by, imagine the type of headspace she was in when she posted it, and how she got there. I was going through some shit from 2009-2014, and it took me years to heal. I don’t hold the same opinions as i did in 2013, i’m a VERY different person now, and I don’t deserve to be held accountable for this 8 years later. thanks for understanding. People deserve to be able to grow, i hope we can extend that chance to others as well. 

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[time-to-finally-recover]

I know nobody reads these, but on the off chance of that happening or for future reference..

I am currently diagnosed with ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and struggle with cpstd (reluctant to say diagnosed as this is something I'm still in the process of understanding). the cptsd is heavily related to my ex abuser. I have had generalized anxiety my whole life, and was initially diagnosed and medicated for it starting at 12. ADHD is a more recent diagnosis, having only been diagnosed and medicated since February of 2022. Initially we thought I just had "regular" depression, however me leaving my abuser made it very apparent that I struggled with MDD instead. Currently, I am medicated for my ADHD and am coming off of my dosages for my antidepressants to see if medicating my ADHD helps regulate my mood enough to take me off of antidepressants, as I struggle with side effects. I also struggle with compulsions so there is a possibility of OCD which I am discussing with my therapist.

My journey in regards to medication has been long and winding, as has that of diagnosis. I have fallen through the cracks of the mental health system multiple times, being told in the past that although they're agreed I could be of danger to myself, it wasnt enough to rationalize using one of the few beds available for me and sent me on my way and I was treated via outpatient.

Starting at about 11 I began to struggle with self harm. since then, it has been an ongoing struggle. Aside from small isolated incidences I have remained relatively clean since 2018.

I do regularly question if being medicated from 12 and being on various SSRIs and SNRIs may have impacted the development of my brain and how I process emotions.

My combination of mental health issues is considered pretty common, especially with my late diagnosed ADHD. Which really makes sense, considering my brain in trying to work in a world that wasn't built for it.

I do have sensory issues as well, however have no gotten a stand alone diagnosis for that as sensory processing disorders often go hand in hand with neurodivergence.

Initially, when I created this blog it was going to just be my "journal" of recovering from an abusive relationship. I intended to keep my other issues fairly seperate but I've realized that doing that doesn't show the full picture of the process, as it's hard to dispute that my mental health plays no role. So, on the off chance that someone in a similar situation to myself finds this blog, I wanted to paint more of a full picture for myself and others.

As I don't want to personally be connected to this (not a lot of people in my life know of the abuse, and I know it would be something that would be "gossiped" about if I was more open) so my personal details are obviously limited. Although, if someone knew me well enough they would probably piece this all together. but, the number of people who could do that is slim and this is essentially lost in the sea of tumblr.

this post is very all-over but it's essentially a cliff notes of my background.

My goal is to support myself through this and learn ways to support others. I am currently working towards education that would help me in advocation of victims rights, and I plan to primary work in the realm of domestic abuse. although my education isn't finished, it's never to early to start building the resources to have in my back pocket.

Lastly, this blog also serves as a method to organize my thoughts. Organized thoughts are workable thoughts, and much less overwhelming. Sometimes the thought just needs a way out, which I'm sure is apparent in the haste of some of my posts.

on the off chance that someone else sees this and is in a similar place to me now, or where I was in the past, you got this. you're strong. you've endured awful things, give yourself credit. On the same note, feel free to reach out.

[redvelvetvenom-blog]

the only thing i could be jealous of you for is your is your 10k fake tits

some days it hurts more than others but today it hurts more than anything to write, i dont want to do it/ todays like one of those days where i dont feel like myself. but today is also one of the first days this year that i have woken up and known what day of the week it is. todays also one of the first days i was productive. yeah, i cant believe it. actually i can. i mean look where i am. writing is the only way i can communicate effectively with people... when im talking i feel like im always searching for words or saying to much or not saying how i really feel. i feel like im annoying the person which honestly i dont really care about but in relationships where it matters i usually just isolate myself and ignore them because the thought of being misunderstood which is my reality scares me to death and makes me furious and just give up.  i havent been writing and i feel like my brain is in this disgusting knot i dont recognize. im focused on irrelevant shit like jen and her lies and my nails and bleaching my asshole (actually that one  is important) and making peter not think im 12, and stewart losing interest in me, when im completely apathetic about my future and my physical and mental heath and making friends or having a job. its gross. i am gross. although i am the most attractive i have ever been i am also the most ugly and un put together on the inside as ihave ever been. its funny cause a year ago when i was writing and also dealing with a lot of loss, and going for days without sleep, dealing with my rape (more than one unfortunelty), and completely losing it due to the dope, i was somehow okay because i was writing. its like my own self medication. without writing my thoughts, its like i cant speak or think. and so maybe that sounds stupid but i cant explain how good it feels, as scary as it was to start, to speak again. i was so scared. i wouldnt admit it to myself, i just would ignore it all together. but i was so fucking scared to write, to type to be more specific. i could write in my diary, that would be slow and my hand would hurt and id NEVER be able to catch up to my thoughts. and thats been this whole year. its been a whole year. tina is a bully. i dont like her, but i feel like i cant live without her, and being an ex heroin addict, i feel pretty stupid saying that. but i am not a functional drug addict. some people are. infact, most people on here tumblr, “tumblr tweaker girls” or whatever or hashtag tweaker nation seem like they are doing more than just fine. like it hasnt completely destroyed their life like it has mine. but its funny because i was one. atleast until some dude decided to start blackmailing me because he found my page but he is irrelavant and so is that and not worth my time to talk about. moral of the story: dont bitch if you post videos on tumblr of you smoking meth in your bra. its not private, even if your tumblr is. anyone can figure out how to get the software to download your videos or pictures or whatever. well besides the obvious screenshot. anyways, ive come to the long and painful but unavoidable conclusion that stewart is not worth my time and wasnt since he moved up there. i should have never talked to him after the car incident because as much as i love him and it hurts, that was not fucking acceptable and me doing meth isnt an excuse for him to take it personally and lash out on me or punish me by pretending i dont exist. i just had so much happen and with all of that came low self esteem and with all the lies i was telling it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to feel good about myself. i guess it comes with borderline personality disorder but all that shit is nonsense to me because theyre going to find anything they can wrong with people and slap a name on it and then tell you your not normal. everyones fucked up, i am extremely fucked up and im okay with that. i cant understand it all now, fuck im only 20. up until this year i was ashamed of everything i did and everything that made me who i am, and its so hard to break out of that. in all honesty, i still dont really believe i am beautiful with or without makeup and thats fucking not true but i am insecure. but in the grand scheme of things, life is way to short to feel bad about yourself the way i do. i know that. life is to short to be in a haze trying to forget about everything and going through the motions, as lame as that sounds. ive been doing that and ive been waiting to die subcontiously because the truth is i dont really value my life like i should and i havent learned how to be happy on my own. i am the most materialistic person i know, and that unlike everything else i am not ashamed of because i know that it is so far rooted me that theres no use in denying it or being embarrassed because its not my fault, its the only way i know how to feel better. its always been. but the fact that i constantly feel like i need something to fill this hole is getting ridiculous and so is my shoplifting. i am way to fucking good at it and i have gotten away with it to many times to where its become my biggest addiction. i didnt really even notice it till a few months ago. ive noticed that everyone who does dope has a hustle, well almost everyone. atleast of the people i know. some of them are stupid, others are brilliant but not thought out as well as they could be or excecuted in the right manner, and some are like the expected, selling drugs or your pussy. i kind of am ashamed because my “hustle” is retarded, and i want a job more than anything. unfortunately my social security card has been stolen 3 times already this year and i cant get another one,  i cant even dance. i dont know how it started, but for about a year now, ive just been living off whoever i could, and the bare minimum. bare minimum is a broad term, because somehow i still have a car and a cat and expensive makeup, an iphone 7,hair products and my drug habbit supplied, but i dont know for how long. ok. honestly time. i dont like it anymore than i like the fact that i am a slave to this chemical but i have spent the last year filling my days with going from store to store stealing shit. anything from iphone cases to shoes to greeting cards to lingerie, you get it. ive gone into several stores and filled up my shopping cart and then just walked out. im not bragging.. its pathetic. in fact im sure no one is reading this anyway and im more than okay with that. the point of this page is for me and to be able to keep a record of my thoughts without having to worry about anyone i know reading it and so i can go back and read it, like an online diary. i got the idea from jenna from awkward but im not sure what she used for hers. i used to have one but had to delete my page because of all the drug related pictures and videos i had posted of myself, which unfortunately i can still find on youtube or here if i really try. i am ashamed, but a little less then before i wrote all of this. this is my truth. and my voice and my last little shred of sanity i have to cling onto because its the only way i know how and i dont even feel like i know or trust myself anymore. if you dont want to read this then please dont waste your time, the less followers the more i can make sense of this war inside my mind.. also please no messages trying to help me or anything, its annoying and i dont need your help. thanks, its 9am and im passing the fuck out. goodnight. more for nxt time <3 bbygrlldz