#although one time he low-key lost and he made them delete it

[theblack-dog]

Modern day Darry would be one of those people that brings his little sibling to all his fights so they could record it for him.

[horansqueen]

New Angel - Chapter 1

story masterlist [x]

☆

NOTES

☆ written from Niall’s pov ☆ i don’t proofread, I never do, I hate it. ☆ AU comedy/fluff/smut/romance ☆ 2.5k ☆ i accept requests and ideas for this story, so message me in my inbox! ☆ if you want to be notified when this story is updated (or be taken off the update list) CLICK HERE

NIALL

"I'm sorry."

I stared at the girl I spent the last year with, trying to find a glimpse of sadness in her eyes that would tell me there was hope, or that at least, that she felt bad for breaking my heart.

I had met Grace through friends and it had clicked instantly. She was gorgeous, funny and flirty, and as soon as my eyes met hers, I knew there was something between us. I know how cliché it sounded but it never really mattered for me. We did everything together and spent so much time together that I had neglected my friends and family, I knew that. Still, it was impossible for me to regret it : I was certain I would spend my life with her.

"Yea, me too." I replied, clearing my throat as she handed me a box.

I licked my lips and took it, my eyes roaming quickly inside. I noticed a bottle of my perfume, a few pictures of us and a sweater, and when I looked back at her, she got up, inciting me to do the same.

"Look, Niall." she replied as I walked passed the front door before leaning against the frame. "I just want you to know that... you'll always have a special place in my heart."

Great, because that made me feel so much better. My eyes roamed on her face, trying to remember every of her features, as if I could ever forget them anyway. I knew I loved Grace, but now that she was breaking up with me and that I was suddenly losing her, it made me realize just how much I loved her, and that it wouldn't be easy to get over her.

She pushed her brown hair behind her shoulder and sent me a sad smile. I knew I should turn around and leave but I was paralyzed, staring at the girl I loved as she took a step back and slowly closed the door in my face. I thought nothing could make the pain worse but that last move humiliated me even more and I shut my eyes tight, holding my breath for a few more seconds.

I don't know how long it took me but I finally walked down the stairs to the parking and reached my car, letting the box fall in the trunk before sitting in front of the wheel. I breathed in and sighed, leaning my forehead against the wheel as I felt myself tear up. Crying was inevitable but it still pissed me off. I honestly felt like I had given everything to this relationship and somehow, this is what I was getting back, and it was fucking unfair. I shook my head at that thought, knowing that there was nothing fair when it came to love anyway, and finally sat back up and started my car.

I drove home as a few tears fell down and just to make it worse, it started raining. The lights of the city reflected on the rain forming puddles on the cement and it brought so many memories to my brain that I had to wipe the tears off my cheeks.  I finally parked but leaned my head against the bench, closing my eyes, trying to stop the pain in my chest without much success. I needed a drink or ten, and I just hoped Louis would want to get drunk with me.

I threw my keys on the counter when I walked in, letting the box fall near the front the door. I heard the tv in the living room, guessing on a football match but when I walked closer, I realized it was actually basketball.

I sat on a couch, grabbing the attention of the two persons sitting on the other one. They both frowned at me but I stared at Louis, shaking my head slightly.

"Neil, what's wrong?" he asked, moving his upper body closer, hiding me from Millie. "Did you cry?"

"Grace broke up with me." I just replied, ignoring his second question.

I knew Louis and Millie since I was a kid. Louis was my best friend, we used to spend our days together, and although I didn't really want to admit it, I tend to follow him in all his crazy plans. One of them was for us to move in together. It didn't sound so bad in itself, but Louis was the messiest person I knew, and I was pretty much the opposite, which made this cohabitation slightly rough sometimes, but it got even worse when Millie moved in with us about a year later. She was not my favorite person in the world, and she didn't enjoy my company much either, but she needed a place to live and I knew she and Louis were close, so I decided to just deal with it. After a while, they started having sex randomly but I couldn't tell you the specific nature of their relationship. If they were dating, they never made it official with anyone else, and I didn't really want to ask.

It's not that Millie was a bad person, but she always made sure we knew her opinions and most of the time, it annoyed me. She had no filter, which was something she had in common with Louis, and she didn't care what people thought about her. Now that I thought about it, it was not surprising at all that they got along together so well.

"Shit, mate, I'm sorry."

I was tired to hear that. What would sorrys bring me anyway? Why did every time something bad happened, all people could say was that they were sorry? How was that helping in any way?

"Well, I'm not."

"Millie, come on." Louis replied in a soft tone, turning to her.

"No seriously," Millie continued, moving closer to the coffee table to grab her beer. "She was pretty much the most annoying person I knew. Even more annoying than you, Horan."

"Don't call me that." I mumbled, making her shrug.

"Whatever. You're better off without."

I frowned, shaking my head as I stared at her, noticing Louis getting up and walking away. "Are you serious?"

"Very!" Millie chuckled without amusement. "She was always here, talking about how pretty and skinny she was, how rich she was, and how everyone wanted her. She kept talking about all the men she dated or fucked before you and how horrible it was to be so popular."

"I smell a hint of jealousy." I replied with a frown.

"I wouldn't touch you with a six feet pole, Horan." she replied, raising her eyebrows as a small smile appeared on her lips.

I raised my nose with a low groan, making her laugh, and I moved my hand up, showing her my middle finger.

"Enough love display, kids." Louis replied when he came back, handing me a beer.

I took a sip of it and leaned against the couch, turning my head to the tv but not really watching the match. I didn't even notice when someone turned down the volume and I swallowed hard as the face of my ex girlfriend appeared in my head. My heart twisted in my chest as I tried to stop the tears and finally brought my free hand up, pressing my thumb anf finger against my eyes, breathing in and out slowly but deeply.

I couldn't believe it was over and I didn't want to accept it. We made plans together, we were perfect for each other... how could she just throw away all of that without any remorse or regret?

"This is the worst break-up I've been through." I admitted, pushing my fingers harder on my eyes and shaking my head.

"You always say that." Millie replied, a bit annoyed, making my eyes flutter open. She got up and my eyes followed her as she walked to the door. I turned around, my gaze still on hers, and frowned a bit.

"Can't you just, I don't know, feel sorry for me or something?" I argued, realizing as I was saying it that I actually hated when people actually felt sorry for me.

"You're asking me for pity?" she asked with a chuckle, making me roll my eyes. "Seriously, good riddance. I'm glad I won't have to see her annoying face every fucking morning."

She put the box filled with my stuff at my feet and sat in front of it as my eyes roamed on the content.

"Morning? You never wake up before noon." I argued, making her smile sightly.

"Shut up!"

She started rummaging through my things, placing a lock of her hair behind her ear before taking the stuff out. She smelled my perfume before putting it on the coffee table and when she grabbed the pictures, she  looked at all of them quickly before sighing.

"Okay, garbage."

"What? No!" I replied with a frown, bending down to snatch the pictures from her hands. "I'm keeping those!"

"So you can stare at them for hours and cry on what you lost?" Millie pointed out, moving on her knees to grab the pictures from my hands again. "No. Trust me, I know how to handle a beak up."

"Millie, babe, this isn't your break up, it's Niall's."

She turned around to look at Louis for a few seconds and finally turned back to me. She frowned slightly, her eyes getting smaller as she was thinking, and finally, she shook her head.

"Alright, compromise." she proposed, sitting on her legs. "You can keep two, but you can't bring them in your room. Oh, and you need to delete the ones in your phone, too."

"Who died and made you queen?" I asked rudely, getting slightly annoyed.

"Queen? No I'm the king here, literally." she argued, making me chuckle despite myself.

I kept silent for a few minutes, wondering if it was actually a good idea or not and after a while. I took two pictures and handed them to her. Louis showed me his hand and raised his eyebrows and with a sigh, I gave him my phone.

"Just delete the whole folder, but don't look at the pictures." I quickly said, making Louis smirk.

"Anyway you can't keep nudes from an ex, that's just plain wrong." We both turned to Millie and I raised my eyebrows as she shrugged. "What? I don't like her but that doesn't mean she deserves that."

I shook my head as Louis handed me my phone back and sighed again. "Are we done now?" I asked, feeling my heart break even more as Millie searched through my box. "I really need something stronger than that." I added, swallowing the last drops of my beer.

Louis got up again and sent me a sad smile. "I'm on it."

"Oh my god, I love that sweater so much!" Millie let out a bit louder, taking it out of the box.

"Keep it, it's yours."

She sighed, raising her nose up and shaking her head as she stared at it. "It doesn't fit me, Niall. None of your clothes do, you know that."

No, I didn't know that. In fact, I had never taken the time to even think about it, but I just shrugged and leaned against the couch. I couldn't stop thinking about Grace and how my life seemed to be over. It was stupid, it was not the first break up I was going through and I knew that pain would leave with time, but it was tough to be rational at that moment, and when Louis handed me a glass of what smelled like vodka, I swallowed all of it quickly.

"Niall, mate, slow down." Louis said in a soft tone, sitting back on the couch as Millie grabbed a glass of wine from his hands.

"Lou, let him. That bitch just dumped him, he clearly deserves to get pissed." she pointed out gently as I filled my glass again.

"Thank you, pet." I smiled, taking an other sip.

"I hate when he calls me that." Millie mumbled near Louis, making him smile and press his hand against his mouth to hide it.

My lips curled into a grin too but I just chuckled and she drank everything in her glass before getting up and walking to the kitchen. She came back with the wine bottle and filled her glass again before turning to me.

"Okay, we're all getting drunk tonight."

Louis grabbed a glass and filled it with vodka too, bringing it to clink it against Millie's. I started at them for a few seconds and finally moved closer to hit my glass against theirs, too, approving of the proposition. It took less than two hours for all of us to be completely pissed, but I realized that the more I drank, the sadder I was getting and when Millie straddled Louis to make out with him, I couldn't take my eyes off of them. It made me think of the first time I had sex with Grace at first, and then, it reminded me of the first time I told her I loved her. She was sitting on my lap and when her eyes had met mine, I knew it was the right time to tell her. I remembered the way her fingers felt on my cheeks, and how good her lips felt against mine.

I hated that feeling inside me and I had no idea how to get rid of it. I grabbed my phone and looked at the last text message I had received from her, earlier in the day. 'We need to talk' were the only words she had sent and every books and movies were right about that : those were the four most horrible words in the world. I blinked a few times, trying to see the words better, but I was clearly too drunk for that and I quickly typed something without thinking.

'I miss you baby'

I sent it quickly without an ounce of regret and finally got up, almost falling back on the couch as the room started spinning around me.

"Okay guys, I'm going to bed now."

It caught their attention and they watched me walk slowly to the hall, holding myself on every furniture on my way.

"Hey, Niall." I heard Millie's voice before turning to look at her.

She was up now and I sighed as Louis got up too. "Yea?"

"Don't text her."

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. "Too late."

I just walked to my room and opened the door when I finally heard Louis' voice coming from the hall.

"It'll be better tomorrow, mate."

Just the thought of doing everything I used to do daily but without Grace in my life seemed like hell and I shut my eyes tight, trying to keep the tears in. How was I going to keep on living my life without her? How can anyone eat, sleep, work, have fun, or even breathe without the love of their life?

"Yea, I doubt that."

[whipped-cream-writings]

hello! this is the bulk of the event, and this is how it will work: under the cut, there will be a list of 20 songs. most of them will be happy, fluffy songs, but i’ll add in some sadder songs too. send in a character and a song title, and i’ll write a drabble or a fic based off of it.

please request only for the characters I write for. any requests that break this rule will be deleted. find the guidelines here if needed. 

each song can only be requested once. first come, first serve. no exceptions.

i'll include a few lyrics from the song to help give you a feel for what it’s like if you’ve never heard it before, but i do recommend you read the lyrics or listen to the song. this will be a long post, so my apologies! happy requesting!

1) Would You Be So Kind - dodie [Kei Tsukishima]

“I know you know that I like you, ‘cus that's not enough; So if you will, please fall in love with me”

2) Oh, the Moon! - AJ Abdullah [Eijiro Kirishima]

“Love always feels like it gets in the way, hanging out but we got nothing to say, see you tomorrow, love you through sorrow, leave me some breadcrumbs and I swear I'll follow you”

3) Rewrite the Stars - Zac Efron, Zendaya [Katsuki Bakugo]

“What if we rewrite the stars?; Say you were made to be mine; Nothing could keep us apart; You'd be the one I was meant to find”

4) Cloud 9 - Beach Bunny [Shoto Todoroki]

“But when he loves me, I feel like I'm floating; When he calls me pretty, I feel like somebody; Even when we fade eventually, I'm nothing; You will always be my favorite form of loving”

5) Somewhere in Neverland - All Time Low [Hitoshi Shinso]

“Wendy run away with me; I know I sound crazy, don't you see what you do to me? I want to be your lost boy, your last chance, a better reality”

6) Outro: Propose - BTS [Shoyo Hinata]

“I give it to you; Although it was a bit awkward, I want to give it all to you; I give it to you; To me, who sometimes cries and laughs, it’s only you”

7) Mr. Loverman - Ricky Montgomery [Katsuki Bakugo] 

“Before it can get back to you (Mr. Loverman); Oh what am I supposed to do without you?”

8) Electric Love - BORNS [Denki Kaminari]

“Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle; I can't let you go now that I got it; And all I need is to be struck by your electric love”

9) Still Into You - Paramore [Shoto Todoroki]

“I should be over all the butterflies, but I'm into you (I'm into you); And even baby our worst nights; I'm into you (I'm into you); Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all”

10) I Just Want Love - Han Seungwoo [Satori Tendou]

“Tell me more roughly; Draw me a world only for us two; You can get a little more drunk than usual; I just want love; I just want love”

11) Serendipity - BTS [Izuku Midoriya]

“The universe has moved for us, without missing a single thing; our happiness was meant to be, ‘cuz you love me, and I love you”

12) cliché - mxmtoon [Ochako Uraraka]

“That's all we were, a silly cliché; I still think you're cute, but maybe it's better this way”

13) Crystal Snow - BTS [Yuu Nishinoya]

“I want to hold you one more time before you disappear; Ah, crystal flies high wherever it goes; Hey, there’s nothing else I want, I just want to feel a little more; Can I touch your heart?; I want to touch it but it keeps slipping through my fingers; someday, someday”

14) All I Wanted - Paramore [Hanta Sero]

“I could follow you to the beginning, and just to relive the start; And maybe then we'll remember to slow down; At all of our favorite parts”

15) Jamais Vu - BTS [Izuku Midoriya]

“Please give me a remedy; A remedy to make my heart beat again (remedy); What should I do now?; Please save me, give me another chance”

16) What is Love? - TWICE [Katsuki Bakugo]

“How it keeps you smiling all day?; (I wanna know) How the whole world turns beautiful?; I wanna know know know know; What is love?; Will love come to me someday?”

17) Levitating - Dua Lipa [Denki Kaminari]

“Shining just the way we are; I feel like we're forever every time we get together; No, we're never gonna be apart”

18) Can’t Sleep Love - Pentatonix [Eijiro Kirishima]

“The kind I dream about all day; The kind that keeps me up all night; Gimme that can't sleep love”

19) Sunkissed - khai dreams [Tooru Oikawa]

“So slowly a sunlit dream pulls me out of sleep; Feel the morning through the blinds; I get to thinking 'bout your sunkissed face; And a quiet place where I could give you all my time”

20) Ms. Seductive - Jeff Bernat [Denki Kaminari]

“Why do you give me butterflies when I simply just look at you?; Why must I fall for you?; Or why I can't think of words when I simply approach you?; I don't know what to do”

[blackenedwhite97]

Birthday Gifts-Reader x Aizawa [BNHA] {NSFW}

Request:

 “Idk if your requests are open or anything but can I get a (really detailed lmao) Aizawa oneshot? It's the reader's birthday and to celebrate it they go out with their friends (Aizawa, Mic, Midnight, those peeps) and they get drunk with Aizawa? Then Aizawa takes them to his house and they have a heated, drunken makeout session and end up doing it? And they wake up sober and all and they just look at eachother like 👀 Please and thank you (you can just delete this if you don't wanna write it lol)”

This post includes: , sexual content (so many), cursing, alcohol use and unprotected sex.

As usual I overwrote! Use the “keep reading” page breaks as your guide, the smut and fun times will be nested in between breaks for easy access to anyone who just wants a one way ticket, no lay overs, to horn town.

Author’s note: Requests are super cool and fuel me when I’m brain dead. If you want something sexy/ steamy please keep the character request over 18+ and keep it (fantasies/ role play aside) groovy and consensual.

Okay, birthday sex now.

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 You could hear Midnight’s heals echoing down through the halls of your apartment, the thin walls couldn’t defend against her unstoppable strut. You looked yourself over in the full-length mirror you’d hung next to the coat rack, smoothing out your mesh shirt. You had tried your best to dress up, you had even rooted through your closet until you had found your good jeans. If you were honest with yourself, you were a full-time teacher and a full-time pro-hero, most social events usually demanded your hero costume, or your agency provided appropriate formal wear.

In recent years your wardrobe had thinned out considerably, any and all clubbing clothes were long gone or buried under the pile of ruined costume pieces you refused to clean out from your closet. The black mesh shirt you were wearing was borrowed, embarrassingly enough, from your niece who also had to supply the black tank top under it. You had never felt so desperate for clothes than when your niece had to start lending you clothes for your own birthday party. The one silver lining was seeing the scandalized look on your brother’s face when he saw what you had grabbed from her closet.

The front door swung open, Midnight’s spare key dangling in the lock.

“You know you can knock if I’m home.” You took stock of the mass of bags hanging from her arms.

She paused and looked you up and down. “A for effort but I have something for you to wear.”

You looked down at yourself then back at her. You had thought the mesh shirt was bordering on scandalous but compared to Midnight’s shimmering cut out dress you definitely looked like your sixteen-year-old niece had dressed you.

“But,” You gestured to your torso dramatically. “I did the mesh thing! That’s not hot?”

Midnight laughed and dropped one arm of bags unceremoniously on the ground.  She scurried around you towards the kitchen pulling out a very luxurious looking bottle of champagne. “It’s your birthday and you aren’t showing leg.”

Since becoming friends with Midnight you had found yourself being spoiled left and right by her. She enjoyed the finer things in life, fine clothes, good drink and gourmet food. She also enjoyed good company, which she reminded you daily that you fit that bill. It was nice, when it wasn’t overwhelming.

“Pink bag.” She said and pointed to the pile of bags on the floor. “I’m getting you laid tonight.”

Your mind tried to picture the dress and all you could come up with was different iterations of Midnight’s hero costume. While you adored Midnight and her style and confidence, it wasn’t quite you. Aside from that the bag was embellished with the logo of a local high-end boutique. Expensive. “How much-”

“It’s a birthday present.” She cut you off.

“Midnight I can’t take-” you tried again.

“Don’t refuse a gift,” the bottle of the champagne rocketed up and dented your low ceiling. “it’s rude.”

You pointed to the ceiling. “That’s rude.”

“Just go put it on!” she waved you off as she began a fruitless search for champagne flutes that you surely didn’t own.

You scoped up the bag and looked at your jean clad legs longingly, you could do so much in jeans and so little in a dress (without revealing yourself).  You peaked inside, a neatly folded mound of matt black fabric peeking through the decorative tissue paper. At least it’s not shiny.

As you headed to your room Midnight called after you. “The boys are coming here and we’re all splitting the cab there!”

Your heart jumped in your chest. The boys. Plural. Did that include- no he hates clubs. If he is coming over then that meant that he’d see you in whatever Midnight had selected for you. You grinned to yourself as you stared at the bag on your bed. Sneaky. No wonder she seemed so proud of herself. Although you certainly tried to keep it a secret, Midnight read you like an open book. She noticed how you trailed after him, stared at doors he’d left through.

You lifted the dress from the bag and left it unfold in your hands. It was simple, fitted and clean. You sighed in relief. A small bundle of lace fell out of the bundle to the ground and you looked down red faced to find a black thong on the floor.

“Put everything on!” You could hear the shit eating grin plastered on Midnight’s face.

You huffed and slid off your jeans, staring at the lacey panties with hesitation. Dressed fly up all the time, and you were somewhat of a public figure. But it would be hot to reach up your dress to find those.

Shit.

You swapped your underwear and slid the dress on. You very quickly realized that you’d have to go braless, the plunging neckline wouldn’t allow it. You had to admit, Midnight knew how to dress just about anyone. When she didn’t get overzealous that is. A memory of the sequinned ball gown she tried to convince you to buy last Christmas for Mt. Lady’s party flashed through your mind.  You peaked into the bag, the shoes she’d thrown in were a pair of her own and were far too tall and had far too much ankle snapping capabilities for you. Luckily you had swiped a pair of heels from your agency’s closet, you were the only one with the right size of feet to wear them anyways. They were semi ornate burgundy heels that were tall enough to give you those sculpted calves but not so tall as to lend themselves to causing you serious bodily harm should you take a tumble. 

You looked yourself over in the mirror and liked what you saw, a new confidence washed over you.

“I look hot as hell.” You declared under your breath.You opened your door, ready to show off Midnight’s hard work. 

All confidence drained out of you for a split second when you made eye contact with the Aizawa as he leaned on your counter, a wine glass filled with champagne.

“Uh, H-Hi!” you squeaked. Aizawa looked lost for a moment, probably trying to zone out the energetic conversation Mic and Midnight seemed to be having on the opposite side of the kitchen island from him. He straightened up at the sight of you and you could have sworn a light pink blush attempted to break through across his cheeks. You liked to hope it was you he was blushing at but told yourself he could be a blusher when he drank.

“Hi.” He rubbed his neck awkwardly. “You look…like the birthday girl.”

He blinked long and hard. That sentence was as awkward for him as it was for you. Midnight jumped towards you, arms outstretched and demanded a spin.

“Let me see my work.” She spun you around and leaned in close so no one could hear. “Is it all on?”

You grinned despite yourself. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Good.” Her hand patted your ass and she stepped away.

“You don’t have any champagne flutes!” She said, declaring a change in topic.

“I don’t drink champagne, why do I need champagne flutes?” You defended yourself and she slid a bubbly filled wine glass towards you, but also suspiciously close to where Aizawa was leaning. You took the glass and settled for a more comfortable distance from him, not that you didn’t crave getting as close as possible but you thought you should at least wait until you could blame any embarrassing advances on the alcohol.

“Yeah,” Midnight gestures at herself. “but I do!”

“They’re just skinny wine glasses, though.” Aizawa chimed in, his low calm voice hinting at entertained.

“Sho, my man.” Mic reached across the island and clapped a hand on Aizawa’s shoulder. “You are not a man culture.”

Aizawa turned directly to you, his deep eyes boring into yours. Again, you noticed that slight flush of color on his cheeks. “I think you wine glasses are just fine, don’t listen to these two.”

 You grinned at him. “Thank-you, on behalf of me and my wine glasses.”

Midnight jumped, pulling her phone from her ample cleavage. “Cabs here!”

Aizawa began collecting wine glasses but you waved him off. “Don’t worry, I’ll get them in the morning.”

He placed his in the sink before Midnight was practically yanking you and him out the door.

“I need my wallet!” you yelped trying to grab your purse on the way out.

“No, you don’t!  You aren’t paying for anything tonight!” she said wrapping a ridiculously strong arm around your shoulders.

Aizawa shot an arm out grabbing your purse off your coat rack as he was ushered out the door and handed it to you. “Uh, here.”

“Thanks.” You turned to lock the door, but Midnight was already pulling her key from the lock.

“Let’s go!” she sang as she began her unstoppable strut out of the building.

 Midnight had shoved you and Aizawa in the back seat of the SUV, demanded her jacket be given its own seat in the back with you and insisted it could not get wrinkled. She was really good at this. You ended up sitting in the middle seat, having to lean into Aizawa periodically when she would remind you not to lean into her jacket. It was a very nice faux fur jacket, but you knew fur didn’t wrinkle. And you were pretty sure Aizawa knew that too.

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Keep Reading~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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There was a big surprise that was ill timed but all together commendable. When you entered the bar some of the guests were still scurrying into their hiding places, you pretended for everyone’s sake to be very surprised. You even jumped and grabbed onto Aizawa for support, which the thankfully played along with by “catching” you in your shock. You were flooded with drink offers, some by hero’s you’d never even met before. Big parties with lots of booze do that, make everyone want to buy the birthday girl a drink. You gladly accepted a handful of drinks before pawning them off on All Might who had the metabolism of a God and Aizawa who soon enough was drunker than you.

Midnight and Mic were in their element, dancing and singing away. The crowd was so drawn to them that after a while you were able to retreat to a booth in the back and watch them light up the room from afar. You spun your untouched glass of god knows what, watching the melting ice swirl around the nearly fluorescent liquid.

“What’s that?” Aizawa grumbled towards your drink as he slid into the booth next to you. At some point in the night his shirt had become progressively more undone, the sleeves were rolled up and his hair fell from its elastic. He smelled of booze but beyond that a subtle wave of musk and soap washed over you.

“Dunno.” You said pushing it away and leaning into his shoulder. “Stay still, kay?”

“Room spinning?” He asked, leaning into you.

You nodded and closed your eyes taking in his smell. Something about this was so comfortable.

 “I like this.” You said pulling on his shirt. “You look good in a dress shirt.”

“Thanks.” He chuckled. “You look beautiful tonight.”

You smirked. Hell yeah you did. “You should see what Midnight has me wearing underneath.”

There was a moment when all you could feel was Aizawa taking a deep breath beneath your head. “Is that an invitation?”

You opened your eyes and looked up at him. He was definitely blushing now, but there was no awkwardness in his eyes. They were intense, alight with heat and intent. You nodded against his shoulder and watched a smirk spread across his lips. A warm calloused hand found its way to your thigh and traveled upward under your dress, barely brushing the lace panties. It was barely a brush, but you felt excitement pull at your gut.

“Well, shit.” He breathed.

You swallowed your fear and decided that you were drunk enough to be able to blame it on that if this went poorly. You sat yourself up and pressed your hands to his chest, his hand stayed at its post between your legs and his eyes stayed glued to yours. You leaned forward, pressing your lips to his. He melted into you, his spare hand finding your hip. He instantly began nipping at your bottom lip and running his tongue across your lips until you gave into the wet sloppy drunk kisses. Not that you minded, you too were wet, sloppy and drunk.

His hands traveled everywhere, grabbing and stroking any part of you he could. By the time his hand found your inner thigh again you had swung a leg over his lap and he had begun to leave love bites across your collarbone and neck. You reached down and palmed him between your legs and he hissed, pulling away from you and taking hold of your jaw so he could look you in the eyes.  It took you a minute to focus on him, the heat running through you threatening to burn through your clothes.

“Not here.” He breathed, huffing when you stroked him through his pants again. “I’m not fucking you here.”

You pouted and slumped back, hitting the table filled with drinks at varying stages of finished. He caught you by the hips before you fell too far back and laughed, his eyes impossibly warm and soft. “My place is two blocks away.”

You slid off of him and pulled our skirt down, hiding what fraction of our pride you still could for any possible on lookers. You reached out towards him. “This is my get laid dress, so lay me.”

He paused for a second, shaking his head and chuckling. You cringed inwards, possibly the worst sentence you leave your mouth.

“I know what you mean.”  Aizawa said, ducking back to grab your purse from the booth. “Here.”

You grabbed it and latched onto his arm as the two of you leaned onto each other for support, hopefully creating the appearance of two only mildly buzzed people. You were both swaying, his hand unable to detach itself from your ass and yours keeping itself warm under his shirt. The walk was quick but clumsy, your “practical” heels failing you and demanding to be taken off over a sewer grate.

The most treacherous part of your journey was perhaps the dreaded keyhole in his door handle. You thanked god he lived on the first floor, at this point stairs were not an option. As soon as the door was open you were practically thrown inside to the dark apartment, your back hitting a wall a few feet from the door. He kicked the door closed behind him and was on you before the latch closed. In one smooth movement he hoisted you up into his arms and turned to place you on a set of drawers where you hit a glass key dish. It fell to the ground with a crash and off in the dark apartment a surprised cat yelped. You let out a giggle, holding onto Aizawa’s head as you pulled away to laugh. His head fell to your chest as he finished off the buttons on his shirt, shedding it and laughed with you. “You good?”

You nodded and pulled his face back to yours. He began working on your dress, the zipper on the back gave way under his surprisingly steady hands. In one swift movement he scooped you up and slid the rest of the dress from your body and placed you back down, this time careful to mind any stray key dishes. His hand ran along the wall looking for the light switch. The entrance to the apartment lit up with a dim amber light, his hair was mussed and his cheeks red, one of your love marks already bruising nicely against the pale skin of his throat.

You realized that you were nearly completely naked save the thong. Under any other circumstance you would have been mortified and scrambling for cover but given the alcohol and the way he was looking at you right now, you let the moment exist. He leaned forward pressing his forehead to yours.

“Beautiful.” He whispered.

“Pants.” You whispered back. “Off.”

He chuckled and obliged, dropping his pants and stepping out of them.

“Okay, sex now.” He huffed as he grabbed you by the waist and carried you into the barely illuminated living room.

He dropped you on the couch unceremoniously and manhandled you into position until you were sitting on the edge of the couch, your legs draped over his shoulders and his strong hands grasping at your thigh and breast. He trailed kisses up your thigh, his fingers hooking around your panties and tugging them down your legs. His hands left your body briefly, warm air hitting your face as your thong whipped past your head and over the couch.  His hands gripped your thighs tight, holding them in place on his shoulders and he ducked down and began his work.

At first it was slow, tentative, almost shy. Then he found the spot, the spot that made you shiver and clench your thighs. You felt his scruff rub against your sensitive skin as he grinned, his grip tightening, and you began to squirm. He lapped at your clit, slow then fast, nipping when your squirming seemed to slow, keeping the knot in your gut swelling with every move. You moaned and dug your hand into his wild hair, the soft curls swallowing your fingers. You held him closer, practically begging him not to stop.

The knot in your stomach swelled until your thighs shook and your breath came out in quivering waves. You wanted him to fuck you so badly that the thought of cumming now felt like treason. You pushed against his head, yet he was unyielding in his assault on your core.

“Fuck.” You breathed, trying to delay the inevitable. “Sho, fuck me already.”

He pulled back, his hand replacing his tongue. “Not until you cum first.”

“N-no, please. Fuck me.” You begged, the knot tightening impossibly.

“I’m drunk.” He huffed, his breath washing over your already hot core. “Once I cum I cannot be held responsible if I fucking pass out. Now hold still so I can give you a birthday present!”

He dove back into your core, this time renewed with an almost aggressive approach, not that you were complaining. Your hands tighten in his curls and you gave in to him, everything he was building up to until you were rocking into his mouth and mewling like a cat in heat. He slipped in two fingers, your slick greedy vagina gladly accepted them.  You felt him curse against you, no doubt the warm wet feeling of you wrapped around his fingers a siren’s call straight to his dick.  

He pumped in and out, his tongue never yielding until finally the knot in your stomach released and a wave euphoria and shiver racked your body, your legs and arms twitching as your body felt as if it was floating.He helped you ride your high, adding another finger and whispering a cacophony of dirty words in your ear. You gripped his shoulders as you came back to yourself, he was covered in a thin layer of sweat and his scent wafted in painfully alluring waved towards you. 

He lifted your weak legs and folded them into your chest, his boxers now discarded along with your lace panties, tossed into the dark abyss of the apartment. He placed a hot kiss to your forehead, then to the tip of your nose then to your lips. There he stayed as he lined himself up with your entrance and pushed forward. He was girthy and stretched you in ways you hadn’t expected.

“Breathe.” He pulled back, looking into your eyes. You hadn’t noticed you’d been holding your breath until now and let out the breath you were keeping locked away in your chest. Your body melted into the couch, forming to fit him perfectly as you relaxed. Again, he started slow, setting a pace while he figured out what felt right. He must have found the jackpot because suddenly his pace picked up, his breath hot on your neck. You felt a familiar knot, loosely forming in your stomach, your nerves still buzzing from your previous orgasms.

Aizawa reached forward, his hands finding your breasts as he leaned down into you. You were pressed back further into the couch as he drilled into you, the sound of skin hitting skin echoing in the dark. With each thrust the knot in your stomach tugged on itself, tightening. Aizawa paused, adjusting himself at your entrance before thrusting forward, stars shooting across your vision as a hot wave rattled through you. You’re mewls grew to yelps and gasps with every thrust, his grunts starting to match your love sounds.

You could feel yourself starting to shake, the tension in your gut almost too much to take, when he began to get sloppy. Every thrust became an endeavor as he struggled to find a pace he could keep while slowly coming undone.  His hands slid down to the couch, gripping the fabric like he was going to be whisked away at any moment.

“Fuck.” He cursed; his body twitching out of rhythm.

You grabbed each side of his face and looked him in the eyes, pools of deep lust consuming your vision. You pulled him close, suddenly craving his lips on yours. He mirrored your urgency and soon his pace evened out, each thrust stronger and faster than the last. You felt yourself clenching around him, your legs locked at his shoulders.

He pressed his head against yours pulling out of the kiss so he could look into your eyes as he came. He drilled into you until your yelps turned into a silent scream of pleasure as the knot in your gut burst for a second time that night. With a final, strong thrust warmth spread through you as he leaned into you, his uneven breaths washing over your skin. 

He slid down to his elbows as he rode out his own orgasm, his lips brushing your collar bone as he muttered sweet nothings to you.You twitched beneath him, stars and black spots dancing in your periphery. Your legs slipped off his shoulders and found rest at his hip, the two of you sweating and panting in the sweet afterglow of sloppy drunk sex.

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The rays of sun that broke through the blinds berated your eyes, the searing white light like a smite from god with the hangover you were about the nurse. Groaning against the light you reached over to your bedside table for the bottle of water you put there before leaving for the night. Your hand stopped short at a wall of plush and springy fabric…like the back of a couch. Your eyes shot open, bright hot sunlight filling your vision. You groaned and scrambled backwards out of the light’s reach, kicking something on your way back.

“Fuck!” You knew that voice.

You blinked away the retina burns, and your stomach dropped. At your feet a very sleepy and very naked Aizawa was lying on his front, his arms folded under his head.

“Sorry!” you chirped; realizing it was him you had just kicked. “D-did we-”

Aizawa looked up at you, at first he seemed just as dazed and confused as you did but then a sly grin spread across his face. “Yeah, I’d say so.”

You looked down at yourself, realizing you too were very naked. You pulled your legs up to cover as much as you could and wrapped your arms around your chest. “Do you…remember any of-”

“Not at all.” He grumbled, sitting himself up and grabbing a pillow from the ground to cover his junk. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

You squinted into the distance, calling on fuzzy memories of fluorescent cocktails and straying hands. You could feel your cheeks heating up. “Your hand up my skirt.”

“Was that-”

“My idea? Yep.” You recalled.

“Oh.” He nodded to himself. “Good.”

You both sat in silence staring at each other.  A long-haired white cat leapt up onto the couch and rubbed its body up against your shins, begging for affection.

“Did you want to shower? I have some sweats you can-”

“Yeah, thanks!” you interrupted and jumped up, painfully aware of how very vey naked you were. You dashed towards the first door you saw.

“That’s my room, Bathroom’s down the hall.” You could feel him smirking at you.

“Right!” you said as you turned and strutted down the hall.

[moonlightdreamzz]

Serenity — Mark Lee

Request: “Hi love! 💋 can you do a scenario with Mark Lee where he sees you being too in your head, stressing about life, being low-key frantic, freaking out about basically nothing, pulling at your hair, over organizing, etc. and he tries to calm you down and get you to relax in however way you see fit??? That was a whole lot... sorry lol”

A sight always too painful to see—you in distress. Mark can’t stand to watch you pulling at your scalp, taking deep breaths in attempt to calm your staggered breathing. Watching you run around the house, scrambling to clean every spec of dirt, delete every residue; he always was quick to step in and tell you to stop.

You getting like this wasn’t a common sight. Truthfully, you never got angry when you were supposed to. In those moments, you would suppress your feelings, always wanting to stay the ray of sunshine you had been labeled as. Mark is watching the way your curves are making their presence known in your velvet pajama shorts, and crop top that will show what’s his if you reach up the shelf just a little bit more, and his fingers are rubbing up and down his legs. He’s thinking about all the times where he would get on you about being so nice to the wrong people.

“Slow down.” He finally speaks, but still he doesn’t move.

Not to his surprise, you ignore his request. Quite frankly, you probably can’t even hear him. Once you get in this zone, you’re stuck until someone yanks you out and Mark understands this—he understands you, so he’s up and he’s walking to the bookshelf where he finds his home behind you. His arms snake themselves around your frame, and he makes sure to press his soft cheek to yours.

You’re trying to move, but he can feel you giving up slowly.

“Just let me finish re-arranging these, please.”

Your voice is slightly cracked as you whisper your request, and naturally, Mark presses a kiss to your ear. It’s poetic, similar to when he has a pen and pad in his reach, and he doesn’t remove it. He keeps his lips there, even as you try to wiggle out.

“This isn’t what you need.” He says. “You need me.”

“Why don’t you help me with this?”

“Because this isn’t how you cope with your problems. I promise you this is only making you more stressed.”

He waits in position, expecting you to at least turn around and look at him with your beautiful eyes that could bring a thousand memories to his foggy mind, but you don’t. You lean over the shelf, placing your forearm down for your forehead to land on. You’re fighting yourself. One half of you so badly wants to tell him to please just give you an hour alone to rummage through all the unpacked boxes from your home, or unnecessarily clean the bathroom, but then the other half—the half that Mark is trying to get to hear him wants to relax. It knows it needs to have a seat and talk to your boyfriend who’s only passion in his personal life is to make your everyday serene.

You take another deep breath before dropping everything to the ground.

“Mhm.” He cheers and rubs your belly at the same time, although his voice is still very quiet.

“You’re lucky you’re you.”

And he is. He knows the power he holds over your entire being, and he can’t say he doesn’t enjoy it. The way you look at him, crave him—it makes him feel like the most important man in the world, and he has a duty. He’ll never take advantage of it though. I mean, how could he when he feels the same way about you? You have him on lock, and the key was thrown away a long time ago.

“Your hair looks nice.” He compliments as the two of you plop down on the couch. It was a wig he had seen you purchase not too long ago over a very lengthy FaceTime call. Of course it looked amazing on you. Everything did.

He can’t help but notice the way you lean towards his opposite. He knows you’re not upset with him, but he always gets so somber when you run from him regardless.

“Thanks.” You sigh, and your hands are covering your face. The french tip polish that’s covering your fingers are a perfect match; your hickory colored skin creating the perfect comparison point for him, and anybody else who was an intellectual.

“Your skin looks good too.” With this statement, he rests his hand on your ankle, rubbing up and down.

“I’ve been using that new face wash you gave me for Christmas.”

Anybody else would assume they’re talking to a wall, but Mark doesn’t mind. He presses his lips to your knee, before slapping your butt. “Talk to me.” He prompts. His sweet demeanor is still there, but his tone has become much more firm. You don’t have but so many more seconds to speak before he starts to purposely annoy the truth out of you.

“Honestly babe, it’s so stupid.”

“I know.” He says instantly, and he mentally slaps himself. The shocked expression on your face tells him that you weren’t expecting it either, but it also makes a smile creep onto your features. “Wait wait, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant, I know you sometimes get stressed about small stuff. But it’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like you walk around pushing people and yelling at them.”

“I know.” You breathe out, “I just have so much studying to do it doesn’t make sense.” You’re finding your voice just as you always do, and he always loves this part. You’re about to rant about everything that’s happened in your week. Well at least, that’s what he was expecting. You tell him a dribble of things that annoyed you, but after that, you stop. You also find your way into his hold, and he doesn’t hesitate to embrace you tightly. “Make me feel better.” You mumble straight into his chest.

“In which way?” His eyebrow raises, and as soon as you laugh, his hand is slapping your behind again with a thud as his bottom lip connects with his teeth.

“I’m not some toy, Mark.” You giggle, but even so, you’re straddling him.

“You’re right.” Your lips connect sweetly, “You’re not some toy, you’re my toy.”

“Is that right?”

“You don’t agree?”

You don’t respond—well, verbally. Your bodies are connecting in something heated before you pull away.

“Let’s make dinner.”

“Okay.” He speaks quickly before moving back to your neck.

Your hands are on his chest pushing him back. “No Mark, I mean right now.” You’re teasing him, but he never minded. He would wait forever for you, and you know that.

“You want your favorite?” He sighs, although the smirk is prominent on his face even through his flushed and hued red features.

“Well, I get that after dinner.” You say as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “But I do want my second favorite.”

“Aka something I can’t make. You want me to call Doyoung don’t you?”

“No. I want me and you to go in that kitchen and do a lot of stupid things.”

Any other day, he would fight it, but he can’t now. Your eyes are too pure as your hands rests on his cheeks, nose nuzzling his own.

“Okay. But don’t get mad when I burn your shit, baby.”

“You won’t!” You assure, before he’s picking you up in the same position, and running you two into the kitchen.

Mark was in fact correct, just as he always was. It was actually worse than be predicted, and you also ended up cutting your finger.

“I told you.” He says, voice echoeing through your large bathroom.

“You did tell me.” You pout like a child.

He’s wrapping up all your wounds better than you would have imagined. You expected everything to fall out of place the minute his hands released the cloth, but he didn’t.

“I have a better, more safe idea.”

“Mark—

“Shh.” He voices, pressing a finger to your plump lips. Of course you kiss it, and that brings an intense smile to your boyfriends cheeks. “Come on.” He encourages with a hand.

Mentally, you’re questioning it all, but you take his hand anyway, letting him lead you back to the living room. He’s rummaging through your many movies, and you’re about to sit on the couch before he pulls out a much bigger object. It’s Frank Oceans first album—made to be played on an original record player.

“You don’t have to do this.” You plead. You know how much Mark hates to dance, especially in a setting like this, but he ignores you just as you did to him earlier.

“I know.” He agrees. He approaches the device smoothly, lifting what you referred to as “the pointy thingy”. He places the cd on the spinner gently, pressing the button to make it move.

Thinkin Bout You is slowly crawling all over the walls, and bringing chills up your spine. Mark was constantly playing this song on the guitar and whether you had the voice of an angel didn’t matter. You both would make attempts to sing in attempt to make your day a little brighter.

You’re so lost in your recollections, you jolt when your boyfriend approaches you—left hand on your waist and the other grabbing your hand to hold. “Don’t try to fight me on this.” He whispers, and it’s in a tone you had never heard before. He was always so gentle with you, but as if it was even possible, his voice is even lightly and fluffier. He was really worried about you this time.

“I won’t.” You agree, putting your chin on his shoulder.

The two of you are swaying side to side, allowing Sir Ocean to keep your steps in check.

“How was your day?” You finally break the silence, but even so, your voice is barely audible.

“It’s always a great day when I’m with you like this.” He mumbles, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“No—I mean thank you for—

“Always knowing what to do.” He’s chuckling. Even when you try to take away his credit for knowing your every move, he proves you wrong.

You’re shy, head buried into his shoulder now. “Exactly.”

“You know I’m always going to be here for you, right? I’ll never get tired of this.”

“I hope so.”

“Don’t hope—know. I love you.” Are his last words before he’s haulting your dancing slowly. Now his arms are wrapped around your waist, and his kisses are wetting your neck. It’s loving, and it’s proving he meant what he said as if he was touching you already. Your favorite feeling is up next—him rubbing up and down your back, then moving to your bossum. “Let me show you. Can I show you?” Are his final words before he’s picking you up and lightly placing you on the couch.

His kisses are hungry, and they’re saying I love you all at once. Mark was so, so good at making you feel like the only girl in the world.

[hecohansen31]

Little Lady Of Mine

Halfdan+Transgender! Reader (Modern AU)

(A/N): Hey lovelies,

HUGE DISCLAIMER: I am not personally a transgender person so I just wanted to say that if you find this in any way offensive, I am ready to delete this, just know that I had this idea and I felt like it was perfect for this period.

I also wanted to tell you that if you have any suggestion to write better transgender characters, just let me know, since I have just started and I low key hope that this won’t suck, but please DO LET ME KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO BECOME BETTER!

I also wanted to say thank you to @volvaaslaug​ (who probably hates me by now, because I am constantly bothering them) because they gave me some interesting suggestions and even suggested a lovely web series that I absolutely suggest to you as well! (Her Story)

This being said: I really hope you’ll like it!

WARNINGS: Mention of Transphobia and Depression, Transphobic Insults, Being Outed, Fear of Relationships and Comments.

You had loved Vesterfold since the first time you had moved there.

You had a nice job, although it wasn’t the best you could do it did pay the rent and you were also able to put aside a bit of money for the operation.

You had also developed a few friendships, although no one in the new circle of friends you had created around you knew about your ‘little secret’, because in the end it had been barely a month since you had transferred in the northern city, with the excuse of your new work at the bar.

And certainly, the climate was much more open than your closeted city, full of the narrow-minded people you had been running away from.

And then there was Halfdan.

He was the brother of the owner of the bar you worked in, and many times you had met him trying to run away from everyone, gaining a few free cocktail on the way, something he did not only because he owned partly the establishment but also because you found him inevitably cute, so you couldn’t deny him his daily glass of bourbon.

Although it was 9 a.m. in the morning.

He had a mix of dark biker vibes, with his pretty gelled blond hair and his leather jacket always on him, but you feel a softer aura that got you quite enamored with his shy personality.

You’d sometimes talk together, although your secrecy and his shyness made it difficult to have anything deeper than small talk when you were together, and you had caught him looking at you a few times, meanwhile you were serving drinks and you had noticed a few knowing smirks from his foreign friend, Bjorn.

He had been the one that had tried to set you and Halfdan up, although you always pushed it back, because boyfriends and lovers were something that you tried to swear off.

It was all a mess when things like this happened, you knew it all too well.

There were people who fetishized ‘your condition’ and there were others who would have found it sexy till it was brought out in the world, and then they were the firsts that threw stick and stones at you.

No matter the fact that behind closed door they enjoyed the thought of you.

So, you had been avoiding Bjorn’s attempt to set you up, joking that you ‘couldn’t just date your boss’, but when Halfdan had been the one marching to you to ask you out, your mind had gone blank and you hadn’t had any idea of what to say and what excuse to use and in the end on Friday night you were left choosing a dress and cursing yourself and your mind.

Why had you accepted it, when you knew that this couldn’t go further up than a small date?

It would have simply left you to torture yourself about the thought of a relationship with Halfdan.

You knew all too well that sadly, men like him, didn’t like women ‘like you’.

It would just make you fall again in the deep pit of sadness your life had been before you decided to move away.

But you had tried to push away all the overthinking you had done in these days, to try to appear relaxed at the date, in a small restaurant that Halfdan had suggested since it was the best in the city.

He had been a perfect gentleman, offering to come and pick you up and pushing your chair behind you as you sit down and complimenting on the dress you had chosen, a completely enamored look in his eyes, as he said it, making you smirk softly and hid your face in the menu.

“… are you… are you liking it in Vesterfold?” he had asked, hiding his own blushing face behind a menu, although he looked to know it by heart, as he suggested where you could find the freshest meals and the greasiest ones “… sorry if I am awful at this, I just… I haven’t had a date… in… in actually centuries”.

You had giggled softly, as you reassured him, gently putting down the defense of your menu.

“… don’t worry, I am in the same situation” you had commented, meanwhile he dropped for the surprise his own menu.

“With an angelic face like that? I doubt it” he had replied, with a truly surprised look, as you giggled louder “… Gosh, honestly what is a pretty girl like you doing in a shit place like my brother’s club?”.

“… just running away from responsibilities” you had commented lowly, with a sad smile.

“… aren’t we all?” Halfdan’s smile had matched your own “… but let me tell you (Y/N): I am glad that in your run, you walked in that bar”.

“… flatterer” you had been simply able to reply, even more when Halfdan looked at you with that smirk that made you feel all liquid inside.

Strangely dinner had been comfortable, since Halfdan seemed not only to be an amazing listener but also he seemed to understand what arguments could be deepened and which you didn’t like talking about, easing you up in giving him a little information, without needing to straight up lie to his face.

He had also insisted to pay the bill, telling you again with that small smirk that if ‘you desperately wanted to pay the bill, you would have done so next time you went out’.

Today he had been the one to ask you out, hence it was only fair he paid.

Next time you would have invited him outside and you’d have paid the bill.

A clear invite for one more date, something to which you weren’t exactly against, even more when the entire date had kept itself purely chaste.

Although as you both went out, his hand fell by his side, right next to yours, and slowly and slowly it came closer and closer to yours, till you decided to damn yourself gripping it.

He reacted with a blush that shone even in that dark night, which instead made you smirk, although you were again surprised by the tall man when he gently draped his leather jacket on you, noticing that you were shivering.

‘It won’t take too long to reach the car I swear’ he promised you sweetly and this time he was bolder, pushing you closer to him ‘… is this alright?’.

‘I am already feeling warmer’ you joked with a knowing smirk sent to him and right when you were reaching the parking lot, you saw a familiar silhouette and a breath choked in your mouth.

You moved closer to Halfdan, who didn’t notice it, meanwhile he searched in his pockets for the key.

You tried to put a bit of space between you and the known face, although it wasn’t possible anymore as he came to your side to open the door.

You hoped that for once your luck would work in your favor.

But it didn’t and suddenly the man was in front of you, turning to you who faced Halfdan, having finally fished out the keys from his pocket, and now he was ready to unlock the car, but then it was too late.

“Look who is here” the man commented arrogantly, and you were faced with Edgard, an old friend of your times in high school, when you hadn’t started the hormonal therapy, but you had already started transitioning, mostly in secret through some more feminine clothes and a bit of make-up you’d wipe off before coming back from school “… the freak”.

A shadow appeared on your face as you felt Halfdan still behind you, and he lightly pushed you back, coming face to face with Edgard, a third of his muscles weight but with no brain or sense of self-preservation.

“… you look incredibly real, also… the surgeon you paid must have been very very good” he continued commenting, as Halfdan grabbed the front of his shirt.

“Listen dude, you are ruining our night, I don’t know if you understand it… but we’d prefer to be left alone” he commented, lightly raising the man a bit “… fuck off”.

“Oh man, didn’t she tell you?” Edgard continued on goading him on, as you tried to have Halfdan back off “… or should I say did he…? Do you still have your cock? You are probably screwing old guys to get it removed, aren’t you?”.

Now a rather horrified shrink left your mouth at the truth being out, hurting you in every conceivable way.

But what truly got you was the way Halfdan’s whole body stilled and before you knew it, you had run away, not truly knowing where to go.

Just. Needing. To. Get. Away.

You had felt this way for your entire life, your high school life being completely hell for people like Edgard, who couldn’t simply accept that there was a reality that was different from the boring one he had lived in his whole life.

That people like you weren’t freak.

But were simply… people.

You could already see what would happen.

Halfdan would undoubtedly talk with his brother about this and by next week you’d be fired.

Probably Halfdan wouldn’t spread the word around, because he was afraid of having fallen for such a ‘trap’ but you would have lost the chance to go out with him again, after the lovely night you had been having.

Gosh… you fucking knew it.

You had gone through it so many times.

You were running right outside the parking lot, when an hand gripped tight your arm, and you were reeled back, right when a car appeared in front of you, almost running you over, hadn’t you been brought back by your own personal angel.

Which turned out to be a red-cheeked Halfdan.

“… please don’t run” he commented breathing heavily “… I am an old man, and you’ll give me a stroke”.

You were surprised that he hadn’t already tried insulting you, but maybe he did need to catch on his breath.

“That fucktard, by the way, I took care of it” a bloodthirsty grin appeared on his face “… I am sorry you had to go through that, it wasn’t certainly a planned idea for my date night”.

An awkward silence appeared between you two.

You didn’t know whether you should have just faked nothing happened and just let Halfdan bring yourself or confront him about what Edgard said.

In the end you just felt like you had to at least tell him you didn’t fuck old men for a living.

“… it wasn’t true what he said” you commented through your teeth, nervously “… about the older men, I wouldn’t date you for money or…”.

“That’s good, because Harald is the rich brother” he commented with a light laugh, as he reached out for your hand softly “… ok that wasn’t… nice of me, but… believe me I know that you aren’t faking it… I had the time of my life on this date and might I be so presumptuous to say that you did too?”.

You choked on air, again, nervous and unsure, as Halfdan blushed lightly letting you choose the pace of this relationship.

And it had never happened to you.

And it scared you.

“… but about the other thing… I…” you choked on a sad smile, meanwhile Halfdan patiently waited for you, lowering his gaze to make you feel less pressure on yourself “… I am a woman but…I am not… I am not operated, so I understand it… if you aren’t comfortable…”.

You didn’t know why you blurted it out, but usually with most people that was a dealbreaker, because it made you stick between two states and it made people uncomfortable, because they couldn’t put their noisy tags on you.

But if there was one thing you knew by now, it was that it wasn’t your fault.

You couldn’t change your thoughts and body to appease them.

But you still understood why Halfdan might not want to continue a relationship with you.

“… it is ok, if you want to end things here, I wouldn’t expect you…”.

“Listen… “ he commented, as he softly, moved you closer to him, trying to calm his body, to make himself appear less threatening and you couldn’t help but relax under those attentive moves “… it doesn’t change anything”.

“… seriously?” you weren’t used to people being so calm about it.

“Seriously” he breathed out “… you are the pretty girl I have had a crush on since the first moment you started working, which might make me pass off as the creeper…”.

You shut up Halfdan with a quick kiss to your lips, so fast that although you did effectively shut him up, it almost didn’t seem to happen and you laughed a bit at Halfdan’s ridiculous kiss face, as he slowly came back from it, blabbering something about ‘you definitely thinking that he was a creeper now’.

“… nobody had ever… been as gentle as you with me” you commented “… that is why I am… nervous”.

“I am sorry you had to go through that” he replied “… I mean… it is human decency to treat you like anybody else”.

“… not everybody has had the decency of that” you muttered, as Halfdan gently brought you closer, enveloping you in a soft hug, as he felt you completely shattering against him, but he simply smiled at you continuing his mission to reassure you.

You didn’t know if an entire day passed or an hour, what you knew was that Halfdan gave you all the time, making sure that you were comfortable once you were back in the car, even making a bit of fun with you to try to bring you a smile on his face.

‘Gosh people will think that this has been an awesome date if they see you cry’ he had tried to humor you, and your hand shot over his, as it stood on the gear shift, which made him turn around to you.

“… it was an awesome date” you confirmed it to him, as you gently moved in for another quick kiss, gaining a totally enamored look from Halfdan, who peppered a few more kisses on your lips.

And to think that you had worn lip-gloss because you were sure that there wouldn’t be any kisses.

Meanwhile he kissed you, he asked you, where he didn’t have to touch you and where he could.

He tried to avoid questions, letting you speak in case you wanted to, wanting to make you feel comfortable, although sometimes he’d interrupt you with a question, always trying to word it carefully but not as if you were a glass doll, but more like he wanted to give you all his respect.

Your eventually started a long conversation, meanwhile Halfdan held you comfortably, which was interrupted by Harald’s call, since he was worried his brother wasn’t home and you could hear a very distinct ‘please tell me that you didn’t get kidnapped and instead got laid’ which made you and Halfdan blush.

The man quickly shushed his brother with the promise of being home in a few minutes, after he dropped you off.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence, this time a comfortable silence lulling you in a peaceful mood, as your hands were joined together on the gear shift-

“… thank you for the lovely night” you commented once you were home and Halfdan insisted to escort you to the threshold of your apartment, as if he expected Edgard to appear again and attack you, although… from his slightly bruised knuckles you wouldn’t have to worry about any transphobe coming at you, soon “… if you haven’t changed your mind, we could do it again”.

“It’s more like… if you haven’t changed your mind…”.

“Don’t sell yourself short” you joked, with a laugh that made Halfdan kiss you.

And he did kiss you, on your lips, softly and gently.

“… goodnight, little lady of mine”.

[mgkconfessions]

Girls, Girls, Girls - Who is who?

This is an overview of the most talked about girls on this blog, who are or were in Kells’ life one way or another. (It isn’t finished yet and I’ll update it whenever I can, next girl will be Sahara.)

(in alphabetical order)

Chantel Jeffries

Nicknames used on this blog: Schantelle, C.

Instagram: chanteljeffries

Twitter: ChantelJeffries

Youtube: Chantel Jeffries

Profession: DJ, Instagram model, Youtuber (although she only posts if her video is sponsored these days)

Relationship to Kells: Probably dated from the beginning of July 2019 towards the end of October 2019.

Summary: I don’t recall the exact date when he followed Chantel or if she was already following him on Instagram, but publicly it all started when she attended his concert at The Wiltern in L.A. on June 30th 2019. Shortly after, both were seen at the Peppermint Club in L.A. to watch Dave Chapelle, where they were being filmed and photographed by paparazzi and afterwards had dinner at the Nice Guy. On July 4th Kells announced that he smashed Chantel and did the walk of shame, the same day they were at the 6th Annual 'Red, White & Bootsy' 4th July party in Malibu, where Chantel was djing and Kells performed as well. However he did the walk of shame actually multiple times according to an anon. Despite many fans complaining about her not being supportive, she did at least post about ‘Hotel Diablo’ on it’s release day. In the beginning there were many paparazzi pictures and videos taken of them (I let you guess who called them) for example when they were having lunch with Chantel’s friends or dinner and one time they even met up in New York, where he did some interviews for his new album ‘Hotel Diablo’ at the end of July. Chantel’s favourite paparazzo even got to asked both Chantel and Kells about their dating life, but neither of them really admitted to anything yet. He also caught them talking to fans or picking up clothes, although not for Jake Paul’s wedding as the title suggests. Jake Paul actually doesn’t like Chantel much and completely exposed her once (around 12:50). Anyway Kells also drove Chantel and her friends to Comic Con in San Diego, where he posted Chantel’s feet on his steering wheel and lap, while he was driving the car. Apparently Chantel didn’t see anything wrong with that and a week later she even joked around with Kells about him driving without a license. So for a month they spend a lot of time together, but since August he was touring again and went to Japan and Europe, so it seemed like they only saw each other a couple of times for example in London, where Kells took a flight earlier than his band mates, while Chantel was again with two friends there. Allegedly when he was in London with her, they started  following each other, after many fans were speculating why they weren’t following each other already, however he allegedly removed some of his likes on more sexual posts, some thought that she might have told him to do it. Twitter was in general a medium for Chantel to subtweet about Kells all the time and having extreme changes in her mood. Especially since September their relationship seemed to go downhill. She tweeted song lyrics about lovers becoming strangers and missing someone, but also starting to forget about him. But around the middle of September, they seemed to be fine again, because Chantel posted a picture of two lovers in a bad on her Instagram story, which she captioned with ‘us’. By the way she previously posted another picture, where the couple resembled her and Kells back in July. However they seemed to have had a fight, maybe even took a break or called it quits, only a couple of days later. Chantel posted about the perfect song for an afternoon cry, while Kells told everyone that he’ll date himself. Two days later he was still in a bad mood. Nevertheless around a week later, they were still or back together and Chantel made their relationship public by posting a paparazzi picture of them in Kells’ car and calling him her baby. Kells took his time until he reposted the picture on his Instagram story as well only to delete it briefly after and then posted it again hours later. He seemed a bit unsure of this whole thing. And I honestly believe that Chantel didn’t post it, because they were so in love, but because it was the last thing she felt she could do to try to keep their relationship going. For her birthday Kells commented nothing special under her birthday picture, but her sister reminded us all that Chantel was still in his life by congratulating her with a picture of Chantel next to Kells’ yellow car. Around that time he fully stopped occasionally liking and commenting on her Instagram pictures and their relationship seemed quite done and over based on the cryptic tweets Chantel wrote in October about him. There was for example her very insensitive tweet about Kells choosing to be sad, which she was called out for by other fans, because it was obvious that she was talking about him or her liking tweets about being ignored. Shortly after that she claimed to have an existential crisis, I assume because of Kells, while he opened up about feeling hurt all the time, but blamed himself for it. The next day he unfollowed Chantel, so it seemed like they broke up for good and the same day he lost control on stage and explained that personal frustration was the reason for it, but that he wanted to get help after the tour ended. Chantel stayed quiet about it, but after a video appeared in which a guy was touching a girl’s ass and then showing the middle finger, while the girl and her friend were dancing on the Tour bus and Chantel and her sister were the only ones tagged on the post, she unfollowed him as well on October 29th. But that wasn’t the end yet, because now she had some things to say in her typical cryptic tweeting style. A day after she unfollowed him, she started with saying that hurt people hurt people, which was a tweet that Kells liked, continued with that she has questions and I assume that Kells made her feel something again. However Kells kept being petty towards her as well with Sahara (see below) and after that ended, him and Chantel refollowed each other on Instagram again and ended up partying together into the new Year 2020, but Chantel seemed to have moved on with Diplo for now, while Kells is in love with the music.

In my opinion these two didn’t fit at all and I talked in more detail about it here, but from the beginning it was clear that they wouldn’t work out, because Kells usually preferred his privacy while Chantel seemed to be someone, who needed and enjoyed the media attention and had no problem with publicizing her relationships. Also Kells was and still is struggling with his own demons and Chantel seemed to lack empathy and understanding for it, accusing him more than understanding that he isn’t in the right mindset for a relationship. I don’t know if this relationship was supposed to be exclusive, because Kells hooked up and wanted to hook up with other girls on tour, but he said before that girls know what they’re getting into, when they’re dating him and Chantel’s own friends literally joked about how Chantel’s bad habit is that she doesn’t know that she has a boyfriend (around 08:04), which was Kells and I also doubt that Chantel was completely focused on him either, although it might have looked like it. She’s a calculated person and knows how to climb up the social ladder and how to play people and present herself in the public eye. I’m sure she always has an eye on other celebrities, from whose relationship she could benefit.

Eden

Instagram: e.d.en

Profession: assistant

Relationship to Kells: She was first seen working as his assistant during the European leg of his Hotel Diablo Tour and the Justin Bieber Big Tour with Young Thug both in 2019.

Hedi Gores:

Instagram: hevin_gg (private)

Profession: co-founder of “Pressed Juicery”

Relationship to Kells: casual dating that turned into an open long-term toxic relationship from probably around the end of 2015 till the beginning of 2018

Summary: They met through their mutual friend Taav Cooperman. At first it was only casual between them until they realized that it was time to stop fucking around. They dated till around his birthday in 2016 and were on and off till 2018. Although Hedi has been described by various people as a toxic person and she went back and forth between Kells and her ex(-es), she seemed to be one of the few woman, he caught feelings for and was also one of the few, who he posted about on his Instagram page. He also knew family members of her, who liked him as well. But apart from that they kept their relationship low-key and most pictures of them were posted by friends. She was also the one, who got him more into fashion and I believe even had some connections for him. It is believed that his songs ‘Let you go’ and ‘The Break Up’ are about her. I don’t know if they’re still in contact, because they run in the same Hollywood circles, but I hope that she will never be a part of his life again, because she seemed to only want to play with him and keep him as her plan B, when she can’t date someone else.

In my opinion she never really loved him, because you wouldn’t play with someone you love and respect. However I think that Kells was in love with her, because she’s actually a mum, who takes care of her son and Kells never really had a mother, so he probably saw her as a caring and nurturing woman. She also fits to his preference of an independent woman, since she runs her own business and was fine with him sleeping with other girls.

Josie Canseco:

Instagram: josiecanseco

Twitter: JosieCanseco

Profession: model

Relationship to Kells: I believed that they were dating, others thought that they weren’t, but after writing this, I changed my mind. It looks like she wanted them to become something serious, while he preferred to keep it a casual fling from around January till the beginning of April 2019.

Summary: Publicly it all started after she commented a black heart under a picture of him around January 14th 2019, which isn’t on his Instagram page anymore. However you can still see the picture on the photographers Instagram page (melimelzone). The only pictures of her and Kells were taken on January 28th, where she went to Sundance Film Festival as well, I assume as his plus one, where they showed Big Time Adolescence. And on February 1st both of them attended Pete’s comedy show in L.A. After that they weren’t publicly seen together anymore, but she was busy on social media liking pictures of him on his fan pages and posting about him and the guys on her Instagram story, while Kells was very likely hooking up with Paris Hilton and partying with Katie (see below). At a mutual friend’s birthday dinner, that happened in the beginning of April, they were already not sitting next to each other anymore (Josie was wearing the grey cap and white shirt) and like 2 weeks later she unfollowed him finally. But that isn’t really a surprise, considering that she unfollowed and refollowed him so often during this short time to the point where fans couldn’t take it seriously anymore. She also wrote many cryptic tweets about him and allegedly deleted tweets prior to being with Kells, in which she was siding with Eminem and agreeing to everything he said about Kells during their beef. She’s also known for posting Eminem songs whenever she’s unhappy with Kells (till this day) and allegedly talked shit about him before, during and after their fling. I guess because he attacked Eminem and then she was unhappy, that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. However they seem to be on friendly terms now. Recently she even tried to flirt with him on Twitter again, but he still didn’t seem interested in her like that.

In my opinion Josie is probably too childish for Kells and brings too much stress. Kells is actually a chill guy and Josie seems like things need to go her way or she would throw a tantrum. She also has no problem with pda and publicly living her relationships, although I don’t think that’s so surprising, since she was part of reality tv shows before.

Katie Knobbe:

Instagram: katieknobbe

Twitter: KatieeKnobbe

Profession: wardrobe stylist

Relationship to Kells: I don’t know if she has styled him before, because of her job, but they seem to be in a friends with benefits situation, although some of us believe, that Katie caught some feelings for him. They probably know each other since 2018. 

Summary: tbc

Nicky Mir:

Instagram: nicky.mir

Twitter: NickyMirXX

Profession: assistant

Relationship to Kells: Fans seem unsure of how long she has worked as Kells’ assistant and if she’s still working for him, but it has been at least a couple of years. She is also a huge fan and part of EST.

Sahara Ray:

Nicknames used on this blog: PG (Personal Groupie)

Instagram: sahara_ray

Twitter: Sahara_Ray_

Profession: Instagram model, owns her own swimwear line “Sahara Ray Swim”

Relationship to Kells: Very likely just an extended hook up, who joined him for a short period of time while on his tour with Young Thug in November 2019, although she acted like they were a proper couple throughout the whole time.

Summary: tbc

[lostborderline]

Recent Domestic Violence Exp.

It’s been the roughest couple of days I’ve ever had. I thought I’d been low before but this is it. This really is it dude. The other night before my boyfriend had to go to work, I caught him cheating and got screenshots and stuff. When he woke up I confronted him about it and he deleted the proof before showing me himself to defend himself. I’m like “nice try” and send him the screenshots I took. I even had a girl confirm this to be true that he kept bugging her for pictures and said he would pay. He even paid her for one but she never gave it to him. I was so fucking angry about this. He then demanded my phone. I said no and didn’t give it to him. He began to become physical and wrestle me for it trying to pry it out of my hands and hold me down and restrain my arms so he could get my phone. In this time he kept pushing me into stuff because he was mad. I eventually lost and became weak and he got my phone. He didn’t give it back to me until he left for work. He saw that I posted about him cheating and was venting to some people about it. When he saw this, he grabbed me and spit in my face and eye. The spit got in my eye and it burned. I screamed because I was scared and when I would scream he would put his hand over my mouth and nose which prevented me from breathing very well and he held his hand there really tightly so I couldn’t pry it off my face. He kept motioning like he was going to hurt me and said “I should fucking hurt you right now you have no idea” and jerking toward me. He said to me that he's been talking to girls behind my back and is bored of me (although he said he wasn’t talking to him in a flirtatious way). After saying that, he grabbed me off the chair I was sitting on which made me and the chair fall to the floor. He has pushed me right off the bed on the floor on top of things which gave me a gnarly bruise which later became evidence, it hurt pretty bad that I was vocalizing the pain as he was mocking me and saying “oh shut up I didn’t even hurt you”. He threw me against both my guitars that were sitting up against the wall, and later on I noticed it became a crack in the wall because of it. He spit in my face multiple times to the point where I could barely see and my face was covered in spit. It gets even better. I was screaming I guess and he threw me on the bed, got on top of me and said in an unsteady voice “go to sleep, go to fucking sleep” as he suffocated me by putting his hands over my mouth and nose completely. I seriously couldn’t breathe at all. He said after maybe a minute, “relax, I wasn’t going to kill you” okay, wow, so reassuring. I tried to get to my MacBook to message anyone for help because I was scared out of my mind. He hovered over me and if I messaged anyone, he would have my phone and message them back that everything is fine and not to worry. He said that if I tried to message them further that I would regret it, and said he was going to get some people he knew to beat my ass. He kept saying it. He said to be ready after work because they were gonna be there waiting for me, and that they’ve been wanting to beat my ass. I got what he said on video as well, that he has people to beat my ass. I was really fucking scared. Seriously. I was shaking and couldn't move. I have text screenshots of everything that is proof. After he went to work, my friend came over from a few towns over to talk to me about the situation because he was worried about me after I disclosed what happened. During that time, my boyfriend called my phone more than 67 times in the span of an hour. I have proof of that. He also kept calling me a cunt. And if I kept denying his calls and texting him to leave me alone, he would say “I’m coming to get my car, my coworkers bringing me” and that he was trying to message the girl who messaged me about him wanting pictures and she said to him to leave her alone, so my boyfriend said to me “now she doesn’t even believe me, fuck you, dead ass it’s definitely happening tomorrow, fuck that” “you have a big mouth” “tomorrow won't be a good one for you, trust me, better fucking answer, when you get out of work we’ll be waiting” and he also said that “whatever, I plan on killing myself anyways so fuck you and fuck everyone else don’t miss me when I’m gone losers” Long story short, next day, when my family finds out what happened, they called the cops, which came to my house. My boyfriend saw him out front and told me not to answer it and if I do that to tell him everything’s fine. Originally I was going to tell the officer that oh it was a little argument, but he brought up the texts and everything. I couldn’t lie at that point. So I told the truth. I texted my boyfriend that I was sorry and that I loved him (stupid, I know) he started freaking out. Blowing up my phone. The officer inspected my bruise and told me that he would not be allowed in the apartment and had to find another place to stay. He would also have no contact with me until his court date. I felt my life crumbling just like that, my place to live, the car, my hobbies, everything. This was incredibly life changing. My boyfriend took off out of state at this point. I forgot I left my purse in his car, and he had to bring it back to the station or else there would be another charge against him. My family kept blowing up my phone saying they would move my stuff out until the next day and then my other family would pick me up and move up out of state with me. I felt so incredibly angry, like I can drive myself out of state, I don’t need any help. I just don’t like being forced into things. I understand it’s an unsafe situation but considering these circumstances and that he was arrested, he would be stupid to do anything to me now considering I have a restraining order against him. I denied all the calls really, I wanted to be alone, I wanted to sleep. The night before I only got one hour of sleep before work. I didn’t get sleep. I wanted everything to disappear. After he was released from the station, he came back here to the apartment. He sat in his car out front because he needed the keys. I came out and he was telling me he had nowhere to stay and that he couldn’t sleep in his car and that he was basically homeless. He wanted to come inside to sleep but I said it wasn’t a good idea considering we were to have no contact whatsoever until the next day. He eventually came inside and we knocked out to sleep. The next day, was his court date. he told me to say no to a restraining order when they called me and to say no to pressing charges. I kept saying that what he did was wrong and that he pretty much traumatized me. I think about it all the time. He said I was in the wrong for reaching out and telling family about it while it was happening. He said I ruined his life. I said you ruined your own life when you abused me. He twisted the story and said to the judge that I blacked out and started hitting him for my phone back which left a bullshit bruise on his arm. I don’t ever recall hitting him in that situation, ever. He won’t admit that he’s in the wrong. He showed me the restraining order paper today, which was to not assault, threaten, abuse, stalk, etc said person. I told him he better not do any of that, or else I’ll have a real reason to call them. He called me a pussy snitch, and that snitches are the lowest. He also said if I did that, he’d bring me down with him. It feels like nobody is on my side. They know what he did (in terms of him twisting the story) but they still side with him. I felt as if I dropped all the proof on the table maybe people would believe me beside my family.  He fucking traumatized me dude. After that happened my life changed. My feelings, I was numb. Didn’t know what to do. I’ve never had this happen before. I will never look at him the same way again. I’ve been so stressed about this that I haven’t eaten in over 48 hours. I’ve been doing nothing but laying down. My whole body aches, I can’t even move really because of the pain. I feel so incredibly weak. I don’t things can get any worse. I feel so dehydrated. 

[recsnrecaps]

A Love So Beautiful Episode 2 Recap: Can I Hop On Your Bike?

Netflix oh Netflix. Why do you tease me so! With that picture, I suddenly have visions of these two all grown up and married. No!! Please just let me live in their teenage past and experience their budding love.

So. The world building continues in episode 2. Jiang Chen still appears to be an emotionless robot, but the writers have crafted a believable sob story to explain his emotional detachment and why Xiaoxi is so protective of him.

I’m still not taken in with Jiang Chen’s character yet. And the issue isn’t with the acting at all. For the stoic lead, he has a generous amount of micro-expressions and his “poker face” matches his sarcastic quips. However, something in the writing/directing leaves more to be desired. The parts about Jiang Chen’s past feels like clunky exposition to me.

On the other hand, I’m really liking the second lead, Wu Bo Song 吴柏松.In any other show, Bo Song would have been the main lead. He’s a charming and sporty dude with a sense of humor. I do feel kinda upset every time he interacts with Xiaoxi though. As the second lead, he’s fated to not get the girl. But he really puts in so much more effort than Jiang Chen - it’s not fair!

At Bo Song’s swim competition, silly Xiaoxi jumbles up the characters on her hand-drawn cheer poster, leading to a "Wu Song Bo" instead. Hahaha! Later on, after the race, when Bo Song was getting harassed by interviewers, Xiaoxi and her poster comes to his rescue with a giant cheer. Bo Song appears really touched by her support, so much so that he offered to trade her for the poster.

The camera work during the dinner scene deliberately included many many lingering closeups of Bo Song's hopeful face. As well as his repeated requests for the poster. It's obvious to us that Bo Song places a great significance on what happened and really wanted a keepsake. However Xiaoxi doesn't place the same importance on the interaction. In her eyes, she was just keeping her word to come and watch the race - she was merely being a friend, and not a very good one at that (the poster typo being an embarrassing bit of evidence).

So. Storytime now. As an old codger I watch shows like this and cringe unabashedly at scenes of young love like this. I have been Xiaoxi in various situations in my life where I have been absolutely oblivious that my actions were leading someone on. I was just being myself, you know? In interactions with said guy, a sentence might have some significant meaning to the guy, but because things seem innocuous on the surface, I end up answering carelessly and hurting his feelings. 

Here, Xiaoxi is so preoccupied with her life (and Jiang Chen) that she isn’t able to be properly present in the conversation, thus completely missing the social cues from Bo Song.

Personally I find Bo Song’s attraction to Xiaoxi far more organic and interesting rather than the shoehorned Xiaoxi and Jiang Chen childhood friends next door arrangement. Perhaps it's because Bo Song is such an expressive actor. He also has such a natural chemistry with Xiaoxi, I enjoyed him popping up to save Xiaoxi and giving her bike rides. And the impetus for the bike rides are so spontaneous and fun. Early in the episode, he smoothly glided up to save her from a group of girls. And in another instance, when they needed to escape quickly from their teacher, she just mounted up on his bike and they sped away crazily. Ah, youth.

Of course, the title of this episode “Can I Hop On Your Bike?” actually refers to the bike ride that Xiaoxi wants Jiang Chen to give her. It’s establised early on in the episode that Xiaoxi lost her bike. So it’s a running gag that throughout the episode, Xiaoxi gazes mornfully at Jiang Chen whenever she needs a ride, and he always ignores her. But in end, he eventually does give her a ride to school. 

Unfortunately, the payoff is so disappointing in this episode. I don't feel inclined to root for Jiang Chen at all, not even when I learnt that he doesn't have parental support. Nor does Jiang Chen's discovery that "someone" came and looked after him when he was ill make me feel like there was any significant development in their relationship. The bike ride at the end seems more like “payment” for Xiaoxi’s care, rather than an actual joyful and spontaneous event. I personally feel like this cheapens Xiaoxi and Jiang Chen’s interaction. A key part of my inability to accept their relationship, is due to the lack of communication between them. Well, Xiaoxi tries. She has made her intentions Vey Clear. But Jiang Chen is still a closed box. And until he opens up and reciprocates, their interactions just seem awkward and forced.

On to other stuff now. This story occurs in 2005 and in this episode the directors do try make an effort to pay homage to the era. I'm reminded of my trusty old Nokia phone whenever one appears on screen. In those days, everyone had a Nokia. A phone was literally only able to be used for calling and texting. Apps hadn’t even been invented yet, so the telcos had a powerful monopoly on phone usage. Depending on your phone plan, every month you had a finite amount of call minute and text messages to make. Any extra text message past your limit would cost a ridiculous amount of money. You had to stay within the character limit for each text and ration your texts or end up with your parents refusing to pay your phone bills. I’m so glad that telecommunication these days have improved so drastically.

Speaking of communication, the Internet was a vastly different place back in 2005. As we learn in this episode, being a moderator for a fangirl website is a big honor. Back then, going on the Internet did not consist of scrolling mindlessly on Facebook. You actually had to look for the content you wanted. Thus, there were hives of activity on specialty sites, and each community developed their own form of management. Typically websites would consist of a forum section where users could post their questions and comments on various topics. For a fangirl site, this forum is arguably the most important part of the website. A moderator would have the power to highlight or sticky a post to the top, or delete and ban users.

Although Facebook was not available yet, there were various blogging and sharing sites on the Internet in 2005. As shown in the episode, QQ was widely popular in China (and still is). Each user account could access various functions on the platform which included a friends list, chat message, a personal blog and private memos.

Next historical relic spotted, the Warcraft poster pasted on the door of the Internet Cafe that the boys frequent. Warcraft was released in 2004, so that was absolutely the era of the original Warcraft game. There has been loads of Warcraft sequels since, but the poster is the classic original one. Kudos to the props team on that one.

In the previous episode, the boys spent time in the Internet Cafe as well, and I'm pretty sure that the game they were playing was Counterstrike - another massively popular computer game in that era. Counterstrike is a fantastic bonding game. Every round is approximately 2 to 5 minutes. There is almost no learning curve to this game. You literally team up with your buddies, connect to a game, and try to shoot down anyone who isn't on your team. In an hour, you theoretically could play 50 short games. It's low stress and involves loads of incoherent yelling. It's therefore really believable that the guys could become fast friends after just one gaming session. And that they would make plans to go regularly after school.

That marriage game though............ I'm not sure I ever encountered anything like that. It’s also not within my personal experience that any 16 year old guy would be interested in broadcasting his impending marriage with his virtual waifu. Haha, just my take but this mindset seems too modern for 2005.

I'll try to keep my eyes peeled for more 2005 pop culture references throughout this show.

[grey-oceans]

Things are feeling weird in the past few days and I’m not even sure which of these things I’m looking to actively resolve and which I just wish would fade away on their own.

I think that one of my old dental fillings fell out/broke a couple of days ago beause I got this slowly increasing pain in my bottom jaw and I’m terrified of it growing to unbearable levels by the time my dentist appointment arrives next week. And I’m even more terrified that I might need yet another Root Canal because the past 3 years feel like a neverending dental session. But whatever, this is super manageable and will literally be resolved within a week.

Everything else feels much heavier on my heart and even tough I’m 100% sure no one will ever read it, I’m going to hide it because It will be: probably long, most likely triggering at some level, and definately something I will never want to reread myself. I just need to get this out of my system because it’s been forever since the last time I did so (but it’s also been a while since I felt like this, honestly).

I miss my best friend, I miss her so much that I my whole body hurts. We haven’t been friends for way over a decade at this point because of how badly I fucked things up between us when we were finishng high-school. It actually took me almost 10 years to realize what a shitty friend, and person in general, I was and try to apologize to her. I did end up doing it almost 2 years ago (via Instagram DMs but it’s an acomplishment nontheless) and I still love her, still miss her and still think of her as my best friend. Because no one can ever replace her in my heart. 

I wanted to text her a while ago, to ask if she’d like to meet. But I was too afraid to do it and so much time had already passed that I feel like I lost my chance anyway. Also, I really don’t think she’d want to meet. I wouldn’t if I was her.

-

One of the main things covered by the news here for the past couple of weeks is a gang rape of a 16-year-old girl. It’s heartbreaking and every time something like this comes up in the news I feel like I can’t breath and I think about is 14 and 15 and 16-year-old me who was lost, confused, angry and lonely, in these dark places with no one to reach out to. I couldn’t find anyone who cared and I slowly drifted away.

On May 29, 2018 I received a phone call from a former classmate who apologized for things he remembered going in 8th grade. I cherish his apology, not because I felt like he owed me one. In fact, he is one of the people I most fondly remembered from back then. I cherish his apology because it painted some of the darkness slightly brighter.

-

Back to ages 14-16, out of those who did things for which I deserve apologies - no one ever reached out and I doubt ever will. But fuck them, I really don’t care about any of them.

Except for one, who was the sea into which all my rivers used to flow all these years ago. I feel completely rediculous as a thirty-fucking-one -year-old grown ass woman to even be bothered by memories of things that happened half a lifetime ago. But these memories made me doubt myself and my worth for so long, long after I met the most incredible and kind person in the universe, who’s been my partner for many years now (and many more to come). These are memories of me not being good enough to date but okay for occasional hook ups whenever his girlfriend wasn’t around. Memories of staying home and skipping a class trip because I was experiencing the worst possible side effect to a morning after pill (there was always always consent and we made sure to use protection but that one time the condom broke) - and when I was back in school after several days, he insisted that he tried calling me to see how I felt although I didn’t have any missed calls from him and he couldn’t show me the call on his phone since he “deleted it so no one will figure out”. What an asshole.

Again, this is mostly me being petty over bullshit teenage drama but at the same time it annoys the shit out of me. Because all I got was a crappy half-assed "honest talk” right after high school gratuation that was less about honestly talking to me and more about low-key trying to get me into bed. And a couple of years later we were chatting on FB and it quickly went to reminding me what a slut I was in school and assuming I still was. So yeah.

I don’t want an apology from him either becuase I realized a while ago that it wouldn’t do anything for me really. I do however wish I had a chance to talk to the grown-up, matured version of him - to see his take on things, what he learned from that experience, if anything. I’m sure he’s changed over the years and so have I, and more than anything I just hope he didn’t put anyone else through this sort of fuckery. Maybe if I knew for sure I’d finally stop thinking about him.

-

If anyone read this through - thank you. I actually feel better writing it all down.

[tsuyoi-hikari]

Memories of the Alhambra Review & Ending Explanation

I really love this drama as a whole. I love how groundbreaking and interesting it is that each episode seemed like its only 15 to 30 minutes long. I love how unpredictable it is like literally, you cant guess whats coming and I love how it is structured to make you speculate and ask questions. The editing was made to show the future first and later flashback scenes will follow aka Christopher Nolan’s ‘Momento’ kind of storytelling. You know that a story is great when it can evoke you all kind of emotions and this drama is exactly that. It made you care for the characters, only to play you around and makes you wanting for more. And I salute the writer for her ability to engage the viewers like she did in this drama.

Aside from that, I really love the writer’s little clues here and there. She did a looooot of foreshadowing in this drama. It sure raise a lot of questions but you know whats coming with that. I mean, we after all can predict Jeong Hun’s death the moment Jin Woo asked Jeong Hun to join him at Granada (as in the train flashback scene, Jin Woo is alone and not with Jeong Hun). We also know right away that Marco is the one who hunt Se Joo the moment he made his appearance in the drama (as a blue checkered guy is the one who shot Se Joo). We also know as early as in Episode 2 that Jin Woo’s leg will be injured but his limp is cured the moment he’s playing the game. The dynamic of Jin Woo and Hee Joo’s relationship is also foreshadow since in the earlier episode on how she’s sitting in front of Jin Woo in the rain is making him feel protected and safe. Hee Joo didnt kill the enemies like Jeong Hun would (since after all she cant see Hyeong Seok's NPC), but her presence and existence is like a buffer between Jin Woo and the game and that particular scene perfectly show what would her role be in Jin Woo’s life in the future. 

Jin Woo has become one of my very fave Kdramas’ lead characters ever. And I have to give credit to Hyun Bin for that. He played Jin Woo in such a depth that you literally feel his pain just by looking in his eyes. I have watched Hyun Bin for the past 15 years and I have to say that this is simply his best role to date (although Hyun Bin's Robin from 'Hyde, Jekyll, Me' is my soulmate :P). Its been a really long time that I’m this emotionally invested in a character and Hyun Bin portrayal of Jin Woo made me feel Jin Woo’s soul. Aside from his outburst in Episode 1, Jin Woo is actually a really nice, humble and level-headed guy. Its evidenced with the way he talk to other people despite their status – he actually use a polite language (instead of Banmal) to everyone even to his low-level workers. And not to mention that despite his trouble with the game, he still treat people with utmost respect and care despite he himself is facing a real life and death situations.

Now regarding the romance part of the drama, I thought it was done very tastefully and slowly -- in a mature kind of way. You could see clearly why Hee Joo falls for Jin Woo. The mixture of Jin Woo kindness (still giving her the full amount of the contract), to him touching her soft spot (playing guitar), to him still taking care of his ex-wife (despite he didnt need to), to him facing real & death situation when he falls at her hostel, to her taking care of him and Jin Woo asking her to stay... And later when she realised the length Jin Woo went through to find Se Joo. All this small details contribute to why she loves him. And as for Jin Woo, its obvious that he falls for Hee Joo's kindness and strength. He was impressed with her ability to feed her family and was also taken back by her kindness (the length she is willing to go to help him either in interpreting to taking care of him when he's sick), to her quirkiness on how she explodes when she's mad. Plus, the most important of all is how her presence made him feels safe -- even when Hyeong Seok NPC is in front of him (during the rain scene). Hee Joo is like a buffer between the game and Jin Woo. He just unintentionally ask her to stay by his side since he is just too scared to be alone. He didnt understand it either but later, he realised that he likes her for her sincerity -- the one he never get from Su Jin or Yu Ra. And he actually smile and laugh when she is around him which he never did the whole 1 year after their last meeting at Granada when the game make him question his sanity. That is why he had the urge to see her before he completed the final mission since she is someone important in his life. IMO, the romance part was dealt with many minor details and mature way thats why I ended up really liking how their relationship grows despite the horrible situation they're in -- its not too much nor too little. When you are deal with real life and death situation, your feelings intensifies which explain their relationship perfectly.

All in all, I give the drama 9.5/10. It is not perfect but it was interesting as hell and full of unpredictable plots. I would love it more if the writer actually explain how the characters die because loss of blood when they were killed in the game but I guess she just lump sum it up as part of the 'fantasy and mysterious’ part of the game when Emma made the reality and game world collide when Marco stabbed Se Joo with real knife. But aside from these minor details, this drama has become one of the most nerve-wrecking Kdramas in my book. Its rare for me to have palpitation when I watch Kdramas but this drama is one of a rare case and it will always be special in my heart because of that. :D

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Explanation on the Ending:

ITS OBVIOUSLY A CLEAR CUT HAPPY ENDING. WHY?

I know that many people are really dissatisfied with this drama’s ending. I personally thought the writer trying to be creative with her ending but kind of backfired as many people got confuse with the game concepts and thought that the bug cycle was repeating themselves over and over again now that Jin Woo is still stuck in the game. 

On the surface, the drama ended with a bittersweet note with a glimmer of hope at the end. However, after a second viewing, I have to admit that it is after all a clear cut happy ending. I realised many small details that the writer gave to us – that it was clear that despite the ending is ambiguous, the writer aimed for a happy end to both of our main leads. First of all, lets clear the confusion regarding the concept of the game world.

1. At first, I thought that Emma, while one of her features is to delete bugs, is a bug itself as she’s the reason why the game world and the reality world collide when Marco stabbed Se Joo with real knife. I mean, if she’s not there, the whole mess of the game become real wouldn’t happen as Se Joo will just bleed after the stab and probably recover after he go to the hospital. Jin Woo wouldn’t be in that mess and the only one suffers is only Se Joo with the stab wounds on his stomach. 

2. Marco is Se Joo’s bug thus he do not need to be deleted for Jin Woo to reset the game. Plus, Jin Woo can't see Marco anyway unless he made an alliance with Se Joo. Bear in mind that Se Joo is the one who create this game and he set the rules. Among the rules are those who gave Fatima the Key to Heaven will win the game and become the new Master. And he also put one of Emma’ s features is to delete bugs and once bugs are deleted, the game will reset. And that is exactly what Jin Woo did; level up, get the key, kill the bugs and hand over the key to Emma and Emma reset the game. Now, why Jin Woo is a bug and need to be deleted? It is because he played the game while the game is in error state. Had other testers of the game made a duel and killed their opponents like Jin Woo, they will be in the same position as Jin Woo as well.

3. Jin Woo made sure he killed all of the bugs and also sacrificing himself in the process to end the game’s sinister elements. Since he already do this and reset the game to zero, there are no more evil cycle of one has to sacrifice themselves to save the others. Once Emma reset everything, it is a new game without bugs/errors/glitches. J One lost all the data and build the game back from scratch that is why it took them another 1 year to release the new game as they have to rebuild everything. The good thing about the whole thing is that is game is finally safe to be played unlike Se Joo’s original game which mix game world and the real world. The writer made it clear that the evil part of the game was buried once and for all when Jin Woo sacrificing himself at the end. 

4. It was obvious that Yang Ju finally delete Emma from the new game when we hear that he regretted of keeping Emma where Emma in the end reset the whole game and delete all their hard work for the past 1 year. So no Emma, no more error in the game. There is no more Emma so the features of her to delete bugs and reset back the game is no longer there as well. 

5. Regarding whether Hee Joo can see Jin Woo or not, she can see him as she is wearing lenses. All game users can see Jin Woo if he made an appearance that is why the guy at the restaurant insisted that Jin Woo is not NPC but an advanced user. But why there's no name for Jin Woo in the new game? It is because Emma has deleted everything including Jin Woo's game name 'Zinu' that is why he is without name. ‘Instance Dungeon’ is to make one become invisible from the enemies and hide themselves. Se Joo did hide himself for 1 year as Marco is there to hunt him so he keep using the instance dungeon feature to remain safe. Jin Woo in the other hand just use the feature to save himself from getting deleted by Emma. So if he didn't use the instant dungeon feature, other game users can see him. The problem is getting him out of the game and I believe that is Se Joo's task to do that. 

And now the for ending, the writer purposely tell us about the 'Instance Dungeon’ and how a user can use it to hide themselves. And later at the end, it is shown that Jin Woo after all did use that feature to save himself. But why is he helping in killing low-level NPCs for other game users just days after the game was released? It is not actually a 'Master’ task to do that and he knew the game is now free from bugs and no one is getting killed for real. But he did it anyway. Why? He did that as a call of help to alert everyone that he is after all still alive but somehow still stuck in the game. He clearly let them know that he is still alive by helping the other game users. Now that Hee Joo knew that he is alive and hidden, it is only a matter of time for him to be saved just like how he saved Se Joo the year earlier. So, technically, it is only a matter of time before he can get his happy ending. 

I am pretty much disappointed with the ending but upon second viewing, it wasn’t really that bad like I initially felt. The writer for surely aimed for a happy end, it just that, its not in-your-face type of ending like other dramas.

[musicprincess655]

Hey Itsuki,

You didn’t respond last time, and I kind of hope it’s just because I didn’t take it that seriously and not because you’ve already blocked me. So I’m trying again, and this time, I’ll do it properly.

I’m sorry. I should’ve said that to you a long time ago. I’m sorry I hid things from you for so long. I wish I could say I don’t know why I did it, but I do. I was scared I was going to lose you. Kind of stupid, right? I lost you anyway.

So, yeah. I’m sorry. I fucked up, and you deserved much better.

Mei

Mei stared at his email in disappointment. He’d sent his message days ago, and there was no response. No indication that Itsuki had read it at all.

So he really had been blocked, then.

Still, Mei had expected this from the start. He’d hoped for better, but this was exactly what he’d thought would happen. It didn’t mean he had to change his plans. He still had things to say to Itsuki, after all, even if Itsuki would never see them.

He opened a new message.

Dear Itsuki,

I guess this is it, huh? You’re not listening. I didn’t really think you would. So I’m just going to say whatever I want. I’d say tell me to stop if you don’t like it, but you won’t, will you?

You never did, now that I think about it. You pushed me back on the field, but I don’t remember you ever telling me no when we were together. Is that just because you were okay with everything? Did you feel like you couldn’t? If that’s true, I guess that’s something else I have to apologize for. I know I have a lot of things to apologize for. Give me time. I’ll get to them. I still have my own pride, though.

You’ve never been to America, have you? You hadn’t when I knew you last, but maybe you went after I left. I’m almost sure you’ve never been to Pittsburgh, though. How do I describe Pittsburgh to you? It rains all the time, for one. Like, seriously, all the time. I don’t know how the rivers don’t flood the city from all the rain (spoiler alert: sometimes they do). It’s louder here than it is in Japan, but I think that’s true of just about any American city. The accent isn’t quite what I expected. I guess the accent here isn’t in movies a lot. They call it the “yinzer” accent. Apparently you can say “yinz” to mean a group of people. I’m determined not to pick that one up.

Americans are friendly. I was warned about that coming in. Some people suck because they hear my accent or see my face and that means I’m not one of them, but most people are really nice. I think I fit in here. I can be as childish as I want in public and no one tells me to stop. People just ignore it and keep going. I’m definitely not the weirdest thing they’ve seen today. So take that! I never did have to grow up.

Write back soon :p

Mei

Mei didn’t have long to dwell on the emails, though. It was time to go back to practice.

He walked onto the field to catcalls of traitor! and betrayal! and felt a grin stretch across his face. Being back on his home field felt a little like holding court, and the insults and jeers were friendly, welcoming. It had taken Mei a while to get used to the idea that Americans loved insulting their friends, and to learn to distinguish when it was friendly and when it was serious.

With all the grins coming at him, with the arm around his shoulders and the hands slapping his back, this couldn’t be anything but friendly.

“You son of a bitch, you stole the medal from us!” Stallings complained with his arm around Mei’s shoulders. “Don’t you have any sense of loyalty?”

“Obviously I just wanted to throw you specifically under the bus,” Mei shot back. Stallings laughed, moving Mei’s whole body with the force of it.

“You’re so hard on your catchers. I hope you gave those Japanese players a hard time,” he said. “They might have won the medal, but they had to put up with your bitch ass for months.”

“I am a delight,” Mei said.

“Come on, be nicer to Narumiya,” Vázquez cut in. “It’s no fun being main pitcher if I didn’t beat him fair and square for it.”

“Speaking of which, I’ll be taking that mound back now, please,” Mei said.

“Careful, you’ll let that gold medal go to your head,” Vázquez warned with a fond smile.

“It’s gone to my head the right amount.”

“Alright, alright.” The pitching coach had come over to break them up. “Everyone quit harassing Narumiya. We still have practice.”

Mei ran himself ragged trying to catch back up to everyone else. He’d been playing at a high level in Japan, but it wasn’t the same as being on this team, and the season was in full swing. No one was waiting for him, and he wouldn’t make them.

He was so exhausted when he got home that he didn’t even check for a reply he knew wouldn’t be there.

Dear Itsuki,

For the record, this feels a lot like a diary. I’m writing to someone who never reads the letters. Maybe I should just invest in a journal and save us both the storage in our inboxes. But I don’t think I’m going to do that.

I’m really trying to enjoy the last of the sun here. Summers aren’t all that different. It’s not until the autumn that the rain starts and then it doesn’t stop until summer comes back. Well, it stops for the snow, but that doesn’t count.

Did you ever learn how to drive? I did. You really can’t live in America without driving. Public transit sucks, and most places are hard to walk to. A lot of neighborhoods don’t even have sidewalks.

I can’t imagine you like driving all that much, if you ever did learn. You were never that good at sitting still. I remember you on the bus to games, all keyed up and restless, and I remember the only way you made it through the ride home was because you were asleep. I love driving, though. I love being able to get in a car and go anywhere, no strings attached. Sometimes just the knowledge that I have the power to get up and go is what makes me stay. Like I have an emergency brake or something.

Sometimes I do just get in the car and start going, though. I’ve found some cool stuff that way. America is a big place, and no one person can ever see all of it, but the only way to try is by driving. I wish I could show you sometime.

Mei

They got knocked out of post season play early. It wasn’t all that surprising. They built their team on the backs of Mei and a few other young players. Remove one, and the entire team shakes. At least they made it to bracket play at all, or so they told themselves.

The entire team crammed into a bar to drink more than is reasonable, and Mei couldn’t help feeling a weird kind of parallel. He’d drunk himself silly after winning a gold medal at the Olympics, but here he was after a loss, nursing a beer. He was disappointed by the loss, but he was already planning for next year, for how they could come back. This was fixable.

A woman came up to flirt with him, and Mei just couldn’t feel any interest in taking her home. Now that he knew exactly what kind of wound he’d been patching with the band aid of one night stands, he couldn’t go back to using them to get out of this. It just didn’t seem worth the effort.

He still left the bar more drunk than he’d been in weeks, and instead of drunk calling his ex, he drunk emailed an ex that wouldn’t be listening anyway.

Dear Itsuki,

Since you’re not listening anyway, I’m allowed to say this: I still care about you. A lot. And maybe that’s not fair, because I’m the one that ruined everything, but it’s still the truth. I have to love a memory, though, because I don’t actually know who you are anymore. That might be my biggest regret. I don’t get to know the adult you grew into. I just have to love the teenager you used to be. Maybe you’re a really cool adult. Maybe you suck. I don’t get to know, though, and I have no one to blame but myself.

We lost in the playoffs. I bet you can see that without me telling you. Maybe you don’t follow American baseball at all, though. So. We lost.

Mei

Mei sighed as his phone gave him another low storage warning. He knew he should delete some of his sent emails, but instead, he’d been making sure none of them got deleted. It had been months without a word from Itsuki, and it was stupid to hold onto them, but they weren’t just for Itsuki. They were for him too, and he wanted them.

Knowing that Itsuki wasn’t reading them had been a freeing experience, in a way. Mei didn’t have to perform for anyone, and he wasn’t. Slowly, he’d let his walls of pride come down until he was spilling his guts into an email server, and it helped. A little. He was more honest with himself now, and even if it didn’t hurt less, maybe it would over time. Maybe this was a necessary pain.

Dear Itsuki,

I think what I miss most is your friendship. I miss sitting around doing homework together. I miss playing that idol game you used to like so much. I miss being on the same team as you, and being in a battery with you. I miss all the stuff we had before I was ever interested in kissing you.

Is that stupid? I’m all heartbroken over you, and what I want back the most isn’t a relationship. Although, to be fair, apparently everyone’s into recognizing platonic friendships are as important as romantic relationships now, so maybe it’s not all that stupid.

You were one of my best friends. Maybe my best friend. Even if I never get your love back, I wish I could have that back. It meant the most to me. You were important to me. I never told you that outright, and I wish I had. Even if you’d never wanted to kiss me or anything else, you still would’ve been important to me. I regret breaking that the most.

I miss you.

Mei

That was the hardest thing to admit, because he had to admit it to himself. He missed Itsuki. He missed him like a limb. He missed the effortless battery they’d had, the way Itsuki couldn’t keep his hands still on the bus, the way he’d argue with a senpai even while he respected authority to a ridiculous degree. Mei had loved him, and maybe still did, but the most important part of Itsuki, to Mei, had always been their friendship.

Mei strategically deleted other emails in his inbox to make room for his archive. He wasn’t giving up all these letters to Itsuki, not now, and maybe not ever. Maybe someday this wound he’d torn back open would be healed for real, and then he could delete these and finally let Itsuki go. But for now, he was still trying to stitch himself back together, and he was trying to do it the right way this time. All he could do was hope that it would be worth it, in the end, that knowing and healing would be better than the willful ignorance he’d forced himself into for eight years.

Time was supposed to heal all wounds. Mei hoped it would heal this one.

[stephenmccull]

CDC’s ‘Huge Mistake’: Did Misguided Mask Advice Drive Up Covid Death Toll for Health Workers?

Since the start of the pandemic, the most terrifying task in health care was thought to be when a doctor put a breathing tube down the trachea of a critically ill covid patient.

This story also ran on The Guardian. It can be republished for free.

Those performing such “aerosol-generating” procedures, often in an intensive care unit, got the best protective gear even if there wasn’t enough to go around, per Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines. And for anyone else working with covid patients, until a month ago, a surgical mask was considered sufficient.

A new wave of research now shows that several of those procedures were not the most hazardous. Recent studies have determined that a basic cough produces about 20 times more particles than intubation, a procedure one doctor likened to the risk of being next to a nuclear reactor.

Other new studies show that patients with covid simply talking or breathing, even in a well-ventilated room, could make workers sick in the CDC-sanctioned surgical masks. The studies suggest that the highest overall risk of infection was among the front-line workers — many of them workers of color — who spent the most time with patients earlier in their illness and in sub-par protective gear, not those working in the covid ICU.

“The whole thing is upside down the way it is currently framed,” said Dr. Michael Klompas, a Harvard Medical School associate professor who called aerosol-generating procedures a “misnomer” in a recent paper in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

“It’s a huge mistake,” he said.

The growing body of studies showing aerosol spread of covid-19 during choir practice, on a bus, in a restaurant and at gyms have caught the eye of the public and led to widespread interest in better masks and ventilation.

Yet the topic has been highly controversial within the health care industry. For over a year, international and U.S. nurse union leaders have called for health workers caring for possible or confirmed covid patients to have the highest level of protection, including N95 masks.

But a widespread group of experts have long insisted that N95s be reserved for those performing aerosol-generating procedures and that it’s safe for front-line workers to care for covid patients wearing less-protective surgical masks.

Such skepticism about general aerosol exposure within the health care setting have driven CDC guidelines, supported by national and California hospital associations.

The guidelines still say a worker would not be considered “exposed” to covid-19 after caring for a sick covid patient while wearing a surgical mask. Yet in recent months, Klompas and researchers in Israel have documented that workers using a surgical mask and face shield have caught covid during routine patient care.

The CDC said in an email that N95 “respirators have remained preferred over facemasks when caring for patients or residents with suspected or confirmed” covid, “but unfortunately, respirators have not always been available to healthcare personnel due to supply shortages.”

New research by Harvard and Tulane scientists found that people who tend to be super-spreaders of covid — the 20% of people who emit 80% of the tiny particles — tend to be obese or older, a population more likely to live in elder care or be hospitalized.

When highly infectious, such patients emit three times more tiny aerosol particles (about a billion a day) than younger people. A sick super-spreader who is simply breathing can pose as much or more risk to health workers as a coughing patient, said David Edwards, a Harvard faculty associate in bioengineering and an author of the study.

Chad Roy, a co-author who studied primates with covid, said the emitted aerosols shrink in size when the monkeys are most contagious at about Day Six of infection. Those particles are more likely to hang in the air longer and are easier to inhale deep into the lungs, said Roy, a professor of microbiology and immunology at Tulane University School of Medicine.

The study clarifies the grave risks faced by nursing home workers, of whom more than 546,000 have gotten covid and 1,590 have died, per reports nursing homes filed to the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid since mid-May.

Taken together, the research suggests that health care workplace exposure was “much bigger” than what the CDC defined when it prioritized protecting those doing “aerosol-generating” procedures, said Dr. Donald Milton, who reviewed the studies but was not involved in any of them.

“The upshot is that it’s inhalation” of tiny airborne particles that leads to infection, said Milton, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Public Health who studies how respiratory viruses are spread, “which means loose-fitting surgical masks are not sufficient.”

On Feb. 10, the CDC updated its guidance to health care workers, deleting a suggestion that wearing a surgical mask while caring for covid patients was acceptable and urging workers to wear an N95 or a “well-fitting face mask,” which could include a snug cloth mask over a looser surgical mask.

Yet the update came after most of at least 3,500 U.S. health care workers had already died of covid, as documented by KHN and The Guardian in the Lost on the Frontline project.

The project is more comprehensive than any U.S. government tally of health worker fatalities. Current CDC data shows 1,391 health care worker deaths, which is 200 fewer than the total staff covid deaths nursing homes report to Medicare.

More than half of the deceased workers whose occupation was known were nurses or in health care support roles. Such staffers often have the most extensive patient contact, tending to their IVs and turning them in hospital beds; brushing their hair and sponge-bathing them in nursing homes. Many of them — 2 in 3 — were workers of color.

Two anesthetists in the United Kingdom — doctors who perform intubations in the ICU — saw data showing that non-ICU workers were dying at outsize rates and began to question the notion that “aerosol-generating” procedures were the riskiest.

Dr. Tim Cook, an anesthetist with the Royal United Hospitals Bath, said the guidelines singling out those procedures were based on research from the first SARS outbreak in 2003. That framework includes a widely cited 2012 study that warned that those earlier studies were “very low” quality and said there was a “significant research gap” that needed to be filled.

But the research never took place before covid-19 emerged, Cook said, and key differences emerged between SARS and covid-19. In the first SARS outbreak, patients were most contagious at the moment they arrived at a hospital needing intubation. Yet for this pandemic, he said, studies in early summer began to show that peak contagion occurred days earlier.

Cook and his colleagues dove in and discovered in October that the dreaded practice of intubation emitted about 20 times fewer aerosols than a cough, said Dr. Jules Brown, a U.K. anesthetist and another author of the study. Extubation, also considered an “aerosol-generating” procedure, generated slightly more aerosols but only because patients sometimes cough when the tube is removed.

Since then, researchers in Scotland and Australia have validated those findings in a paper pre-published on Feb. 10, showing that two other aerosol-generating procedures were not as hazardous as talking, heavy breathing or coughing.

Brown said initial supply shortages of PPE led to rationing and steered the best respiratory protection to anesthetists and intensivists like himself. Now that it is known emergency room and nursing home workers are also at extreme risk, he said, he can’t understand why the old guidelines largely stand.

“It was all a big house of cards,” he said. “The foundation was shaky and in my mind it’s all fallen down.”

Asked about the research, a CDC spokesperson said via email: “We are encouraged by the publication of new studies aiming to address this issue and better identify which procedures in healthcare settings may be aerosol generating. As studies accumulate and findings are replicated, CDC will update its list of which procedures are considered [aerosol-generating procedures].”

Cook also found that doctors who perform intubations and work in the ICU were at lower risk than those who worked on general medical floors and encountered patients at earlier stages of the disease.

In Israel, doctors at a children’s hospital documented viral spread from the mother of a 3-year-old patient to six staff members, although everyone was masked and distanced. The mother was pre-symptomatic and the authors said in the Jan. 27 study that the case is possible “evidence of airborne transmission.”

Klompas, of Harvard, made a similar finding after he led an in-depth investigation into a September outbreak among patients and staff at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.

There, a patient who was tested for covid two days in a row — with negative results — wound up developing the virus and infecting numerous staff members and patients. Among them were two patient care technicians who treated the patient while wearing surgical masks and face shields. Klompas and his team used genome sequencing to connect the sick workers and patients to the same outbreak.

CDC guidelines don’t consider caring for a covid patient in a surgical mask to be a source of “exposure,” so the technicians’ cases and others might have been dismissed as not work-related.

The guidelines’ heavy focus on the hazards of “aerosol-generating” procedures has meant that hospital administrators assumed that those in the ICU got sick at work and those working elsewhere were exposed in the community, said Tyler Kissinger, an organizer with the National Union of Healthcare Workers in Northern California.

“What plays out there is there is this disparity in whose exposures get taken seriously,” he said. “A phlebotomist or environmental services worker or nursing assistant who had patient contact — just wearing a surgical mask and not an N95 — weren’t being treated as having been exposed. They had to keep coming to work.”

Dr. Claire Rezba, an anesthesiologist, has scoured the web and tweeted out the accounts of health care workers who’ve died of covid for nearly a year. Many were workers of color. And fortunately, she said, she’s finding far fewer cases now that many workers have gotten the vaccine.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that we did a very poor job of recommending adequate PPE standards for all health care workers,” she said. “I think we missed the boat.”

California Healthline politics correspondent Samantha Young contributed to this report.

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

USE OUR CONTENT

This story can be republished for free (details).

CDC’s ‘Huge Mistake’: Did Misguided Mask Advice Drive Up Covid Death Toll for Health Workers? published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[gordonwilliamsweb]

CDC’s ‘Huge Mistake’: Did Misguided Mask Advice Drive Up Covid Death Toll for Health Workers?

Since the start of the pandemic, the most terrifying task in health care was thought to be when a doctor put a breathing tube down the trachea of a critically ill covid patient.

This story also ran on The Guardian. It can be republished for free.

Those performing such “aerosol-generating” procedures, often in an intensive care unit, got the best protective gear even if there wasn’t enough to go around, per Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines. And for anyone else working with covid patients, until a month ago, a surgical mask was considered sufficient.

A new wave of research now shows that several of those procedures were not the most hazardous. Recent studies have determined that a basic cough produces about 20 times more particles than intubation, a procedure one doctor likened to the risk of being next to a nuclear reactor.

Other new studies show that patients with covid simply talking or breathing, even in a well-ventilated room, could make workers sick in the CDC-sanctioned surgical masks. The studies suggest that the highest overall risk of infection was among the front-line workers — many of them workers of color — who spent the most time with patients earlier in their illness and in sub-par protective gear, not those working in the covid ICU.

“The whole thing is upside down the way it is currently framed,” said Dr. Michael Klompas, a Harvard Medical School associate professor who called aerosol-generating procedures a “misnomer” in a recent paper in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

“It’s a huge mistake,” he said.

The growing body of studies showing aerosol spread of covid-19 during choir practice, on a bus, in a restaurant and at gyms have caught the eye of the public and led to widespread interest in better masks and ventilation.

Yet the topic has been highly controversial within the health care industry. For over a year, international and U.S. nurse union leaders have called for health workers caring for possible or confirmed covid patients to have the highest level of protection, including N95 masks.

But a widespread group of experts have long insisted that N95s be reserved for those performing aerosol-generating procedures and that it’s safe for front-line workers to care for covid patients wearing less-protective surgical masks.

Such skepticism about general aerosol exposure within the health care setting have driven CDC guidelines, supported by national and California hospital associations.

The guidelines still say a worker would not be considered “exposed” to covid-19 after caring for a sick covid patient while wearing a surgical mask. Yet in recent months, Klompas and researchers in Israel have documented that workers using a surgical mask and face shield have caught covid during routine patient care.

The CDC said in an email that N95 “respirators have remained preferred over facemasks when caring for patients or residents with suspected or confirmed” covid, “but unfortunately, respirators have not always been available to healthcare personnel due to supply shortages.”

New research by Harvard and Tulane scientists found that people who tend to be super-spreaders of covid — the 20% of people who emit 80% of the tiny particles — tend to be obese or older, a population more likely to live in elder care or be hospitalized.

When highly infectious, such patients emit three times more tiny aerosol particles (about a billion a day) than younger people. A sick super-spreader who is simply breathing can pose as much or more risk to health workers as a coughing patient, said David Edwards, a Harvard faculty associate in bioengineering and an author of the study.

Chad Roy, a co-author who studied primates with covid, said the emitted aerosols shrink in size when the monkeys are most contagious at about Day Six of infection. Those particles are more likely to hang in the air longer and are easier to inhale deep into the lungs, said Roy, a professor of microbiology and immunology at Tulane University School of Medicine.

The study clarifies the grave risks faced by nursing home workers, of whom more than 546,000 have gotten covid and 1,590 have died, per reports nursing homes filed to the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid since mid-May.

Taken together, the research suggests that health care workplace exposure was “much bigger” than what the CDC defined when it prioritized protecting those doing “aerosol-generating” procedures, said Dr. Donald Milton, who reviewed the studies but was not involved in any of them.

“The upshot is that it’s inhalation” of tiny airborne particles that leads to infection, said Milton, a professor at the University of Maryland School of Public Health who studies how respiratory viruses are spread, “which means loose-fitting surgical masks are not sufficient.”

On Feb. 10, the CDC updated its guidance to health care workers, deleting a suggestion that wearing a surgical mask while caring for covid patients was acceptable and urging workers to wear an N95 or a “well-fitting face mask,” which could include a snug cloth mask over a looser surgical mask.

Yet the update came after most of at least 3,500 U.S. health care workers had already died of covid, as documented by KHN and The Guardian in the Lost on the Frontline project.

The project is more comprehensive than any U.S. government tally of health worker fatalities. Current CDC data shows 1,391 health care worker deaths, which is 200 fewer than the total staff covid deaths nursing homes report to Medicare.

More than half of the deceased workers whose occupation was known were nurses or in health care support roles. Such staffers often have the most extensive patient contact, tending to their IVs and turning them in hospital beds; brushing their hair and sponge-bathing them in nursing homes. Many of them — 2 in 3 — were workers of color.

Two anesthetists in the United Kingdom — doctors who perform intubations in the ICU — saw data showing that non-ICU workers were dying at outsize rates and began to question the notion that “aerosol-generating” procedures were the riskiest.

Dr. Tim Cook, an anesthetist with the Royal United Hospitals Bath, said the guidelines singling out those procedures were based on research from the first SARS outbreak in 2003. That framework includes a widely cited 2012 study that warned that those earlier studies were “very low” quality and said there was a “significant research gap” that needed to be filled.

But the research never took place before covid-19 emerged, Cook said, and key differences emerged between SARS and covid-19. In the first SARS outbreak, patients were most contagious at the moment they arrived at a hospital needing intubation. Yet for this pandemic, he said, studies in early summer began to show that peak contagion occurred days earlier.

Cook and his colleagues dove in and discovered in October that the dreaded practice of intubation emitted about 20 times fewer aerosols than a cough, said Dr. Jules Brown, a U.K. anesthetist and another author of the study. Extubation, also considered an “aerosol-generating” procedure, generated slightly more aerosols but only because patients sometimes cough when the tube is removed.

Since then, researchers in Scotland and Australia have validated those findings in a paper pre-published on Feb. 10, showing that two other aerosol-generating procedures were not as hazardous as talking, heavy breathing or coughing.

Brown said initial supply shortages of PPE led to rationing and steered the best respiratory protection to anesthetists and intensivists like himself. Now that it is known emergency room and nursing home workers are also at extreme risk, he said, he can’t understand why the old guidelines largely stand.

“It was all a big house of cards,” he said. “The foundation was shaky and in my mind it’s all fallen down.”

Asked about the research, a CDC spokesperson said via email: “We are encouraged by the publication of new studies aiming to address this issue and better identify which procedures in healthcare settings may be aerosol generating. As studies accumulate and findings are replicated, CDC will update its list of which procedures are considered [aerosol-generating procedures].”

Cook also found that doctors who perform intubations and work in the ICU were at lower risk than those who worked on general medical floors and encountered patients at earlier stages of the disease.

In Israel, doctors at a children’s hospital documented viral spread from the mother of a 3-year-old patient to six staff members, although everyone was masked and distanced. The mother was pre-symptomatic and the authors said in the Jan. 27 study that the case is possible “evidence of airborne transmission.”

Klompas, of Harvard, made a similar finding after he led an in-depth investigation into a September outbreak among patients and staff at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston.

There, a patient who was tested for covid two days in a row — with negative results — wound up developing the virus and infecting numerous staff members and patients. Among them were two patient care technicians who treated the patient while wearing surgical masks and face shields. Klompas and his team used genome sequencing to connect the sick workers and patients to the same outbreak.

CDC guidelines don’t consider caring for a covid patient in a surgical mask to be a source of “exposure,” so the technicians’ cases and others might have been dismissed as not work-related.

The guidelines’ heavy focus on the hazards of “aerosol-generating” procedures has meant that hospital administrators assumed that those in the ICU got sick at work and those working elsewhere were exposed in the community, said Tyler Kissinger, an organizer with the National Union of Healthcare Workers in Northern California.

“What plays out there is there is this disparity in whose exposures get taken seriously,” he said. “A phlebotomist or environmental services worker or nursing assistant who had patient contact — just wearing a surgical mask and not an N95 — weren’t being treated as having been exposed. They had to keep coming to work.”

Dr. Claire Rezba, an anesthesiologist, has scoured the web and tweeted out the accounts of health care workers who’ve died of covid for nearly a year. Many were workers of color. And fortunately, she said, she’s finding far fewer cases now that many workers have gotten the vaccine.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that we did a very poor job of recommending adequate PPE standards for all health care workers,” she said. “I think we missed the boat.”

California Healthline politics correspondent Samantha Young contributed to this report.

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

USE OUR CONTENT

This story can be republished for free (details).

CDC’s ‘Huge Mistake’: Did Misguided Mask Advice Drive Up Covid Death Toll for Health Workers? published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[considerdaydreaming]

Update

February 16th 2021.

First of all, I usually start with the time so it’s 22:18. Second, i still cannot beleive we are still in a pandemic.

It’s crazy because i looked back a bit and i saw about when I posted that it had been 46 days since the beginning of this mess and now it’s about to be a year since COVID hit in a couple weeks. I think we are trending in a good direction now because of the vaccine but it’s been a rollercoaster ride with good news one week then bad news the next, so I’m not holding my breath this time.

Anyways, back to the juicy stuff, of course your girl’s love life. I just wanted to take a moment to be honest with myself since it’s been a while since I took the time to sit down and really think about everything. So, here I go. Here is a real and true update from the oast year or so. Here is my story.

//// TW: SEXUAL ASSAULT ////

So I met this guy at my work that I REALLY was not interested in. I did not find him attractive and I was not emotionally available since my ex was a prick and he fucked me up big time. Anyways a colleague of mines had mentioned him to me a couple times but I had brushed it off because, once again, I was not interested. Anyways one day, another (different) colleague of mines and I were having a conversation and then he was on the other side of our cubicle and started asking us about our nationalities and we told him to guess and made a whole game about it. It was fun, not going to lie. So from there we started talking and we were just friends. This went on for a couple months or so until he started coming to see me everyday at my desk and I was like oh fuck oh no this guy is catching feels, you know? But i wasnt sure so i just continued to be chill because he was a chill guy but i just wasnt into relationships at that point in my life.

Anyways, the day rolls around where he finally asks me on a date and i was like nah fam im not down and i dont date my coworkers (BIG NO NO IN MY BOOK). So he was dissapointed but i knew he was not going to give up. But he was a chill guy so i didnt want to be a bitch to him just because i was broken. So I told him that i didnt know him well enough, which was true and maybe if i did then i would reconsider. So he really started putting more effort at that point, I think. I just remember seeing him more and more at work and i remember he used to put on so much perfume it would make me nauseous 😭😭😭 i was low key getting annoyed! But he was a nice guy and i didn’t get any creepy vibes from him and not gonna lie, there were a couple other guys that i was flirting with at the office and i kinda liked all of them for different reasons 😅 but i wasnt hiding anything from anyone and i was always honest so they low key knew what was up 😆 ANYWAYS i wasn’t shutting him down completely for some reason because there was just something about him that made me feel some type of way. You could say that I wanted to keep him in my arsenal 😂 anywho, i forgot what happened but i think one day i just said fuck it and i decided to accept his request to go on a date. The date itself went great and we talked a lot. We spoke about everything and nothing and we had a good time, even though we had a lot of differences, we also had the same point of view on a lot of things. At the end, i dropped him at the metro and tell me how this guy forced a kiss on me???? (That’s sexual assault no matter what you say, just to be clear) so after he kissed me he left and i was shook and i felt disgusted to be honest. I was shook because the date went so well up until that moment . Like that date wouldve been the best i had ever went on until that moment. I was devastated. Anyways I still did not cut him off, but I was very close. I think i was supposed to text him but i just didnt. I might’ve had another date that time as well or something, that period is a bit of a blur now. BUT i remember that i had to shake it off for some reason, so i did. The next time I saw him, i told him it was a no for me for all the reasons which were in the differences we had discussed and that he just didn’t fit the profile. I didn’t mention that what he did was very instrusive and assault because i didn’t want to have that conversation, it was just too much. So he was pretty defensive about that part and i figured he would just take the hit and move on. It took a while and then he finally did. We didnt speak for like 6 or 7 months and then we changed office locations and then on top of that, the pandemic hit so we were all sent to work from home and etc, etc. At some point, in Quebec, everything opened up a bit for the summer and so things were very briefly “back to normal” so we were allowed to return to the office on some days or some shit like that i dont remember .

We found ourselves in the office and we just so happened to cross paths again and he started to talk to me again and he told me to text him to continue the conversation because his break was done because he has been thinking about me and blah blah blah and i thought i had deleted his number, but it turns out i didnt but anyways the conversation we had following him thinking i deleted his number really made me laugh and it made me want to talk to him more. So Around may 2020 he reached out and we started to talk again and then he asked me out on a walk to talk some more. So i went and he was really adamant about finding out what went wrong between us because apparently this is something he was losing sleep over 😂 (now that i know him well enough i realize he is just dramatic 😂) so i told him what was up and how he sexually assaulted me by forcing himself on me by kissing me without my consent and when i tell you he was shook! We spoke about it some more and i explained to him how i felt and he explained to me how he felt and he apologized and when i saw his genuine regret, i knew that he was a good guy and i forgave him. He had a lot of explaining to do and a lot to do to make up for what he did. He did just that. We went on ther dates and spoke and got to know each other more and eventually we began dating.

Now that’s my boo bear and i know that this guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, he just daydreams a lot and sometimes he creates scenarios in his head that are not at all what reality is (pisces rising) 😂 a sensitive dreamer, although he will never admit it!

Anyways all this story to say that I really fell in love with this guy and im shooketh. Like I’m picturing spending the rest of my life with with and im seeing myself marrying him and having his kids????? After 7 months?????!!! Like that’s wild! Is it because of the saviour conplex? I dont know but he’s special that’s for sure. I’ve never been loved the way he loves me and I’ve never been treated the way he treats me. I never have to ask for something twice. Even if he doesn’t want to do it, he will do it for me. He deals with my moodiness and puts me in my place when I’m being disrespectful. He isn’t afraid to tell me like it is and tell me when im wrong. Like he is really everything i wanted. I think i can trust him but im still recovering and working on that and he knows and doesn’t judge me or rush me. He is just always there, like my anchor, like my home base. He gives me the time and space i need and he is always there when i need him close. Always waiting and always trying to understand me rather than attack or criticize me. I love him, i love him, i love him. Sometimes, i wonder if i really deserve this type of love. Sometimes when i say things i don’t mean, he hugs me and gives me love instead of raising his hand or yelling or breaking things, which i realize , i had normalized in past relationships. The way he loves me is pure and genuine and i feel so comfortable around him, as if I knew him in another life. I was really broken when i met him and i honestly feel like he found some of the pieces that i was missing and helped me glue them back together. I really thought i had lost those pieces for good but they just needed to be found again by anither pair of eyes. Dont get it twisted though, i did most of the picking up and gluing but the found some really important pieces, not gonna lie.

All this to say that i healed, I thought about myself and got to know myself then i found a true and genuine love that is so different from what i have ever experienced and im here for it. I dont know what else is to come, but maybe the next time I write, i might just be wife 😌

Until next time,

Jo

[supremequeenofthejellyfish]

I read your tags on that byeler post and holy shit i love u this made my day like this day just started but i wont read anything better, pls do tell more

OH MY GOD THANK YOU???!!!!! that whole thing took me like 45 minutes to write oh my god, its so nice to be noticed for once haha (also ur day just started? I’m so glad I made ur whole day lmao. It’s currently nighttime where I am.) Anyway, tumblr deleted like half of my tags from that post cuz I guess I wrote too many? idk man, it was horrible, whenever I tag posts I always check it on my blog to see if it worked correctly cuz tunglr.cob is always messing things up and BOI WHEN I SAW THAT I WAS FUCKING LIVID OH MY GOD U HAVE NO IDEA. Ok so I’m going to try and recreate my tags below from memory, in bulleted form. they won’t be exact but I’ll try my best (here’s the post now go read my tags if u haven’t seen them lol) 

If you ask mike, it was only lasted a few days, and the rest of the gang looks into the camera like they’re on the office

At first, mike is pretty nervous about the topic, like he’s super worried (mike: do u h8 me bc I like bois 2???)

(Literally everyone at once: are you serious?? Have you seen will, That boy is gay as fuck.) (will didn’t say the second part he was not ready for that, ya boi was shook)

Mike is “low-key” relieved (and by low-key I mean extremely high key that boy literally collapsed on the couch from relief)

(Dustin: Mike seriously?? We’re ur best friends how could we possibly hate u??)

Even if any of them did have qualms, they wouldn’t show it. They were all outcasts, and they stuck together no matter what

Lets be real tho, they probably didn’t they are all best friends and love each other unconditionally

Mike hasn’t told anyone that he has a crush on will (eleven: Crush?? Mike ur literally in love with him.) he actually begs eleven not to tell them (Mike: Please, you can’t say anything to them, I’m not ready yet.)

Eleven agrees, but internally she’s all like: Mike, they already know, ur so fucking obvious, Lmao.

Except will tho, will low-key (read: high key) loves mike too, but neither of them have realized it yet because they’re both oblivious idiots

Everyone sees that they’re in love except for them and its so infuriating

Eleven has to endure mikes “pining phase” for MONTHS b4 she basically forces them into a room together (alone) to confess

She has to for her own sanity (but also because she wants her bffs to be happy.)

But seriously if mike didn’t say anything soon she would have to kill him and then herself (yikes, he was actually that bad lol)

Will went through a pining phase too (his started about a year b4 mike and eleven broke things off) although instead of pestering Lucas, Dustin, or Max about it he literally has 3 (three) spiral notebooks (college ruled, not that wide ruled bullshit) full of doodles of Mike with hearts around his head (and a fourth one in progress)

He was supposed to be using them for schoolwork, but he gets distracted a lot in class

No one (NO ONE) Is allowed to see those notebooks except for will himself

(Max, probably: Hey will can I borrow you’re notes, I lost mine? Will, slamming notebook #4 shut: NO! Max: *is visibly shook*)

poor Joyce has no idea why he keeps going through so many notebooks?

Anyway, the whole gang is together for a sleep over in mike’s basement (where else would they be?) and eleven takes mike aside and tells him that he has to tell will 2nite or she will fucking scream (she’s totally not kidding)

Mike: but what if he doesn’t like me back?? He’ll probably hate me if I tell him that…… 

Eleven: mike ur so stupid omg he fucking likes u back ok trust me

(She caught a glimpse of notebook #2 a while back when she and mike were nearing the end of their relationship, and she never told anyone.To this day, will doesn’t know that she saw it)

Mike: *skeptically* ok but even if that’s true I cant just say it in front of everyone

Eleven scoffs, drags mikes by the wrist over to will, drags will by the arm and basically throws them both into the bathroom and locks them in with her powers

Mike: ELEVEN!! OPEN THE DOOR!!! LET US OUT OF HERE OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!

Eleven: nope :) (how does she do that this is a verbal conversation) not until you tell him.

Will, a very confused boy: huh? Tell me what? Mike what the fuck is going on?!?! What is she talking about??

Mike eventually confesses everything to will (except the pining phase, that was fucking embarrassing)

(Eleven tells him about it later, and mike tries to deny it, but will thinks its so cute???? Like so cute he wants to puke hearts??? But that might just be the butterflies in his stomach)

Mike tries to be smooth when he’s confessing to will but he’s a stuttering fucking mess

Will is so shooketh he doesn’t know what to do with himself so he just grabs mikes hand and says “me too” (he’ll deny it later, but he was on the verge of tears pretty much the whole time)

Mike smiles like the big goofy idiot he is, and eleven, seemingly satisfied opens the door

The gang claps and cheers, and mike and will are confused. Then they look down at their hands, with their fingers still intertwined and are more confused

Lucas: took you long enough

Mike and will: ????????????????

Dustin grabs them by the shoulders and pulls them into a group hugThey stay like that for at least 10 minutes, mike and will hugging each other in the middle, and everyone else crowding around them

Mike pecks will on the cheek and then whispers into his ear quietly: “I love you so fucking much, Will.”

Will Is basically a tomato at this point, a happy tomato, but a fucking tomato nonetheless. (Mike had never seen him so red)

He buries his face into mikes chest, and whispers back: “I love you, too, Mike” (mike blushes almost as red as will)

The others pretended not to notice this little exchange, but oh god did they notice, and it was the cutest fucking thing they’ve ever seen

After awhile they break apart, because its getting hot in mike’s basement

mike and will are left standing outside the bathroom door, still hugging each other. (Neither of them wanted to let go just yet)

Will holds on to mike like his life depends on it, and eventually he hears “Jesus will I can’t fucking breathe”

Will lets go immediately, and mike puts an arm around his shoulder and leads him to the couch

Every one is waiting for them, and no one can stop smiling (especially mike and will, god, those 2 are so fucking in love with each other its not even funny)

this took me way longer than I thought it would omg. I added a few things that weren’t in the original tags that got deleted but they fit in pretty nicely? idk lol I thought it made it that much cuter haha. This was originally supposed to be just a response to the post but I got a little carried away. Tbh I probably put more effort into writing this than I put into my actual homework that I get actual fucking grades on lmao (help). Speaking of which, I have homework that I have to go do now, hahaha. hope u like it lololol