#also? i forgot how much I hate writing dialogue like it's such a chore trying to make people sound authentic

[journey-to-the-attic]

Hi Kin. I wanted to ask, how did you manage things like writer's block or creative burnout while writing JTTA? I'm midway through a longfic now and it's kind of exhausting. I feel like I'm whining but I barely get any comments or asks or anything.

hi anon! honestly i'm not sure if i was the right person to ask this, because i... kind of didn't? as in, i didn't really have these problems - boring answer, i know!

i got lucky because i hit a sweet spot where the base story and characters were strong, but with just enough gaps in plot, worldbuilding, development, etc. such that the momentum of filling everything in carried me through the whole process. but there were definitely a lot of occasions where i sat there thinking "okay i have no idea what to do now"

in those cases, often i had to just step back and ruminate on it for a little while - i've pretty much constantly got little ideas bouncing around my head, and sometimes they hit each other like snowballs and form into more fully-fledged plot points, scenes, dialogue, so on. i try to keep track of these in notes apps, personal discord channels, etc, and dip into them if i'm stuck on something!

not sure if your fic is for obey me, but this could still apply even if not - with all the pop quizzes and devilgrams that put the characters in a bunch of new contexts, it's helpful seeing how that character's static vs dynamic traits persist/change depending on them, and often that'll give you inspiration as well. depending on what you've got available, you could browse through source material, or brainstorm aus, whichever you enjoy most

i'm really not sure HOW i've stuck with obey me for so long, but somehow it's just stuck with me. i don't remember being so invested in it before jtta, so that's probably why, but i just really love these guys, and i suppose that's why i never burnt out of it? i think it was also because i knew what story i wanted to tell, and i really wanted to make sure ik got her happy ending, and that carried me through as well

seriously, though - do take breaks. every writer's mileage varies, so take a step back whenever you need to. writing fics should be fun! sometimes it does feel like a chore, and it becomes more like 'the only thing i hate more than writing is not writing', but it happens to all of us. sometimes you've just got to rest until your second wind comes along

in terms of comments and such... yeah, it's a tough one! the unfortunate thing is that a vast majority of readers - even if they really enjoyed your writing! - won't leave a comment. don't take this as a direct reflection on your writing! often the reader can't think of what to say, is too shy, or quite simply forgot

again though... i'm not sure if i'm the best person to ask for advice here! i started publishing jtta without much expectation for an audience, given the genre of game it's written for, so any attention was more a nice surprise than anything. i suppose that, later on, when the fic was more well-established, i did start holding some expectation of response - and it really is tough when you don't get as much of one as you were hoping for

i've seen people talking about how the ask culture on tumblr has died down a lot in recent times, so i'm sure you're not the only one feeling like this! all i can suggest is trying to find more friends (mutuals?) and... networking, i guess? i've seen advice saying to share your fic within communities of writers, too

i can't honestly say if these things'll work, because i'm very bad about interacting with a wider fandom in anything - i usually keep to myself, so often i don't have much of an expectation for how and when people come chat. as in real life, i'm only a chatterbox when approached first haha

i'm not sure how helpful this has been, but i'm rooting for you! if you'd like to share your fic here, please do - though i understand if that's something you'd rather keep to yourself as well.

creating things is a joy - it might take some searching to find a circle, but the beauty of the internet is that you will, somewhere out there! wishing you the best ^^

[superhousecat-once-again]

I’m back with more fic for @mindblindbard because I’m a sucker for the concept of Elliot and Sally being soft dorks and also because it’s too hot to do anything that isn’t laying in front of a fan typing away at my phone. 

This is where you and Sally always seem to end up during movie nights at her house. Her sitting on the actual couch, you sitting on the floor leaning back against it. Her enraptured with whichever mostly forgettable rom-com Netflix has released this month, you enraptured with how much black licorice you can eat before your tongue starts to feel numb. It’s comfortable. Safe. You’re not paying too much attention to the movie but you take it that whatever bland but moderately attractive couple you’re supposed to be invested in have done something sickeningly adorable by the way Sally sighs and pokes the back of your head with her foot to get your attention before asking, “Remind me again why we’re single?”

You twist your body so you can properly look up at Sally and prop your elbow up on the couch. “Well I’ve been told I’m dramatic, twisted, and not as funny as I think I am. Oh, and I’m constantly spewing noise from my brain which I’m sure doesn’t help.” You’re sure she can tell what you’re going to say next from the grin spreading slowly across your face, but that’s not going to stop you. “Nothing’s wrong with you though, except for your terrible choice in crushes”

She groans and attempts to whack you in the head with a throw pillow. “Shut up, I hate you, please get out of my house.” There isn’t any bite to her words though and you know her well enough to know that they’re just a bad attempt to distract you from her increasingly red face but all it really does is make you laugh and become more determined to tease her.

“So explain to me why you’re into Nick again? It’s cause he got the freckles isn’t it?” You sigh and press the back of your hand against your forehead, like a lady about to swoon in a period drama. “Stupid bastard took all the Ment powers and the cute freckles. It’s incredibly tragic.” It’s quite a performance. Maybe you should have become an actor instead of stubbornly trying to prove yourself as capable as the rest of your family. “And now I suppose he’ll take you too.” You could have swore you meant that to be melodramatic teasing as well, but instead your voice quivers with something closer to frustration.

Sally freezes in her windup of a second throw pillow and stares almost blankly at you. “Are you jealous?”

“No.” You answer too quickly for it to be taken as anything but defensive. “I mean, only like conceptually. Like of course once again Nick gets everything good in life. Meaning you, cause you’re great and also wow look at him not having to do anything yet still getting attention. And, just-“ Maybe if you babble fast enough she won’t notice you’re lying. It’s probably a vain attempt considering how Sally can feel your emotions, but it’s always worth a shot. Because it’s not really jealousy that’s gnawing at the base of your stomach. It’s fear. Because what happens if Nick actually figures out Sally is wonderful and they get together? And if they end up loving each other (which, gross), where’s that going to leave you? Who’s going to love you? And yes, you know that loving someone else doesn’t decrease the amount of love they can give you like it’s some finite resource to be used sparingly, but you also remember watching your dad drive away when you needed him most because his love for your mom was greater than his love for you. Who’s to say it won’t happen again?

You hadn’t realized you had trailed off, lost in your own thoughts until Sally flicks your nose. “You’re doing it again aren’t you?”

She’s slid down from the couch and is sitting cross-legged next to you, staring at you with a touch of concern. She’s watched your mind go off down depressing rabbit trails enough to know the signs.

“Am not.”

“Uh huh, you’re broadcasting so much anxiety right now I can practically taste it.”

One day it’d be nice to be able to lie your ass off. At least just once.

Sally leans closer to you, as if she’s going to tell you a secret. “You know I love you right?”

Well that’s not a secret. You’ve known that for years, but you nod a response.

“And I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

“You can’t promise that.”

She flicks your nose again with a pout that makes you smile even as you roll your eyes.

“Fine yes, I know.”

“Then you shouldn’t worry,” Sally finally leans back with a bright smile, satisfied that her words have successfully soothed over your dark thoughts for now. “Besides Nick doesn’t like me anyways.”

You smirk and nudge her gently. “I mean, he doesn’t yet. Bet I could make him.”

She wrinkles her nose. “Elliot, and I mean this is the sweetest way possible, you are the least persuasive person on the face of the planet.”

“Rude,” you punctuate the statement by sticking out your tongue, to which Sally responds by gasping in mock offense, “And besides, I’m just gonna Pavlov him. It’ll be more effective.”

She sighs. “You know that’s what I really love about you, your upstanding moral code.”

“Don’t I know it.”

The two of you settle back into silence, while the movie continues to drone on towards its inevitable conclusion. It’s a good silence though. The kind that’s filled with comfort and reminds you there’s nowhere else you’d rather be. Or no one else you’d rather be with. 

(Elliot does quickly warm up to the idea of Nick and Sally together. Partially because she loves them and wants them to be happy, partially because she does recognize her fears are mostly irrational, and partially because it’ll really streamline her teasing if she can target both of them at once)

[meetmeatthecoda]

(star emoji) for Grifting With The Enemy :D

Pumpkin!! 🧡🧡🧡 Hello, my dear friend, thank you so much for your endless interest & support!! 😍😍 And for giving me a reason to re-read GWTE, which I haven't done for a loooong time!! 😂😬 (But, the good news is, it low-key got me inspired to hurry up & finish it!! 😏) BUT - in the meantime - here's some BTS info from my re-read under the cut, which is a lot - fair warning - since it's a 4 chapter fic & counting!! ❤️

LOL I forgot how stressful it is coming up with names for random extra people in fics, I hate doing that LOL But I did think it was important to open with Red NOT being a merciless crime lord who kills anyone who displeases him, cause - while he does have that side to him when necessary - that's not who Red is or wants to be.

I liked including that little moment with Red & Dembe about the parallel parking. I love those father/son & brotp moments for them, they're just the best. I tried to sprinkle those in wherever I could in Red's POV in this fic.

I loved the mental picture of Liz - with glasses & beanie a la The Harem - just leaning casually against a bookshelf the first time Red sees her... & he's immediately captivated, just like in canon. Especially with her eyes, I can't NOT write any version of Red that is not completely blown away by Liz's eyes, I mean, come on I also thought it was important that he thinks she's much younger than she is (intentionally part of her persona) & I'm looking forward to writing the reveal of her true age in a later chapter.

I loved writing a Liz that instantly challenges Red, already having heard about him (& more than that, as revealed in chapter 2) & point blank telling him she may refuse the job bc she has a say too. I liked keeping - & even amplifying a little - that dynamic from canon!Liz of always surprising Red & keeping him on his toes, all while he's trying so desperately to stay ahead of her & impress her.

I LOVED writing the brush pass scene - that moment where Red realizes he has officially underestimated her - & LOL I completely forgot I wrote that part about the condom LMFAO wow past!Coda, mighty daring of you 😂😂😂

Plus, I couldn't help the bonus bit about her stealing his phone & tossing it to him to end the chapter, that was just so fun to throw in there!!

I liked opening chapter 2 with Red still thinking about Liz, just to show how she captured his attention, even before he finds out she's been stealing from him. And I liked writing that revelation without any anger on his part, with him understanding it wasn't a full-scale attack on his empire, she's just a thief taking well paying jobs where she can get them, & instead it just shows him how talented she is. I thought that was an important thing to clarify before moving forward.

I LOVED writing Red & Dembe surprising Liz in her apartment, especially the part with Red's snooping & being confused & surprised by what he sees there. I loved kind of creating/designing Liz's apartment to showcase her true self, not her "young thief" persona that Red falls for at first. I wanted it to be clear that Red is fascinated by her seeming duality from the start (canon LOL) as well as just straight-up attracted to her (also canon LMAO).

Also I gave Liz a loft apartment cause I've always loved those!!

And I LOVEDDD writing Red super confident about surprising her & looking forward to taking her off guard by settling in on the couch & all that macho man stuff, only to be rendered fucking dumbstruck when she comes downstairs with no pants on lmfao & I included that little detail of her usually wearing a knife on her leg to show she's not to be underestimated 😏 & I couldn't help but throw in there Dembe kicking the back of the couch, that made me cackle lmfao

I think the truce was important to establish asap bc I didn't want any secrets or lingering animosity between them. That's for canon 😒 Only flirting & sexual tension here, thank you very much.

I had to include Red being a gentleman & asking if she wanted to get dressed, but I also couldn't resist Liz being confident & careless about it, while still hiding tactfully behind the counter. I thought that was a cute exchange.

lmfao of course, I included their coffee preferences being noticed by the other, I think that's an obligatory thing in any Lizzington fic ever, I'm so guilty of that lmfao

I loved the idea of Red being ready to start on a classic Red's Blacklister Presentation but Liz once again stops him in his tracks (while still secretly being impressed by his presence, of course, & I even accidentally switched POVs for no reason to include that?? nice Coda lmfao) as well as trading barbs & quips with him while Red feels awful & guilty at any accidental slights bc he can't bear to insult her.

AM&R vs. AR&M whoops typo lol

I liked the little snippet of dark!Red we see in their conversation of consequences for his enemies, that way Liz sees a little bit of what he's capable of & Red sees how she's not phased by it.

And that last little flirtation & wink to finish the chapter - lol can't resist

Ooooh, I loved switching to Liz's POV (fully ha) for chapter 3, I enjoyed describing how head over heels she is for Red already, that was fun. I liked writing about her lil movie day & chores she's completed, as well as fleshing out her AU past a little with Sam & her young grifting experiences. And her burning her popcorn while daydreaming about Red cause... same 😏

Ooooh, phone conversations are always so fun to write between them, I love trying to get that perfect mix of joking & sincerity & flirting & pining & pressing the phone close to their ear.

I thought it was important to keep (or rather re-invent, since TPTB seemed to drop it like a hot potato 😒😒😒) Liz's intense interest & respect for psychology, especially as a reason for being attracted to Red, since it kind of mirrors one facet of his interest in her. Not to mention Red thinks at first that it's just a useless, do nothing degree for her LOL

Ohhh, I loved establishing that mutual respect & friendliness between Liz & Dembe early on, that's such a fave of mine, I've always loved their friendship & thought it had a lot of potential. Liz loves & respects Dembe for keeping Red safe & Dembe loves & respects Liz for being so dear to Red.

Ugh, I LOVED writing Liz so completely disarmed by Red's relative state of undress at his safe house (paralleling her pants-less parade in chapter 2, of course) bc sameeeeeeee girl.

I also had fun writing Red blabbing on about some story as he often does, meanwhile Liz has already picked the lock on the safe, once again impressing & surprising him while she admires his different passport pics. That was so fun.

And I loved the quick shift to just a little animosity between them with Red insulting her lockpicks & Liz flaunting her thefts from him. I think those little spats give a little electricity & tension to the relationship, even if they blown over quickly, which they always do. And the fact that Red apologizes & they shake hands & make up is very refreshing to me (since they never fucking do it in canon lol fml) & also it's an excuse to write a little teasing physical contact & sexual tension 😁😁😁

And damn, I forgot how fun it is to throw a little teasing jab in there at the end of a chapter, just for fun - probably bc I'm allergic to multi-chapter fics & never write them lmfao wow

Ahhhhhhhh. I remember how much fun I had writing this whole restaurant scene, partly bc it was a difficult & long process (trying not to make all the flirting & physical movements repetitive while fitting in all the necessary dialogue in a semi-non-boring way lol) but also bc it was so fun writing their back-and-forth while seated at a table alone with nowhere else to go & nothing to distract them. I also wanted to take the opportunity to show Red's genuine interest in her as a person & let them spend some quality time together for the first time. I loved the idea of them losing track of time & Dembe having to come interrupt them with a knowing smirk. Also I def referred to the Olive Garden website for the food they ate cause I'm lame lmfaooo

I thought it was cute to throw in that Liz almost couldn't find Red when she arrived but for the fedora marker he placed out for her & then when she's leaving, she can feel his gaze on her the whole way out. Little parallels like that are my guilty pleasure 😁

Omggg I forgot about the end of this chapter, I remember I wanted Red to surprise Liz yet again & I thought the dessert snuck into her bag was a cute touch. Plus, tiramisu is a favorite of mine 😋 I also tried to make the vibe of this phone call a little softer & more tentative, not so much on tender hooks with lots of tension as the previous ones have been, showing how they're getting used to each other & falling in love at a break neck pace lol

Welp, that's all 4 chapters that are posted buttttttttt a sneaky look at my document that I haven't opened for an embarrassingly long timeeeeeee shows my sketch for the rest of the fic which revealssssss....... a detailed 10 chapter map with an epilogue!! Wow, I forgot I sketched everything out in such detail, this isn't too bad, maybe I should actually write this 😂😂😂 And I promise I will, hopefully sooner rather than later!! ❤️❤️❤️

Well, there you go, Pumpkin, I hope that didn't take you too long to slog through & there was something enjoyable in there for you!! 😂 Thank you so much for your interest again, my lovely friend, & getting me excited about this fic again!! 🥰 Much love to you, always, Pumpkin!! 🧡

Fanfic Writers: Director's Cut

[ca-3]

Hello! Can you share more hc or thoughts on KuroMahuSaki? Because I'm slowly getting on board, the dynamic is awesome!

Hello! Also sorry I’m 2 days(??) late to this, I’ve been real busy and tired.

But omg, it always makes me happy when people start to get on board with this ship!!! Both KuroMahi and SakuMahi are good and deserve love and respect~ 💙❤💚 I love idea of the dynamics a lot too. 

Sure! I can share some more random thoughts and hcs for KuroMahiSaku! Man, where do I even start… OvO;;

I guess I’ll start with the cuter hcs? and see what else comes to mind from there. I don’t know, I don’t usually write these out so I’ll do my best. 

In a happier world/totally not delusional ending I always imagined that the three of them end up all living together in the apartment,(because think of all the endless shenanigans that could happen from that.) 

Sakuya always quickly offering to help Mahiru with the chores and Kuro watching them not really caring at first (cause hey means he doesn’t have to do it even more now and he can relax.) and Kuro always calls Sakuya a “suck up” for it when he instantly jumps up to help lol, but Kuro sees how much fun they have and how much closer the two of them become and seeing that helps him participate more in that kind of thing and Kuro really ends up enjoying it and spending time with them. 

In the early days of this though(like before Sakuya and Kuro completely warm up to each other) I can definitely see the two of them competing with the chores sometimes. Like seeing who can do things faster and more efficiently than the other and see who can impress Mahiru with their housekeeper skills. But whenever they end up competing it usually leads to the job looking very rushed and sloppy from both of them and Mahiru scolds them about it and tells them they should work together and NOT compete like idiots. (Oh what is Mahi going to do with these boys?? His poor laundry can’t take much more of this hahaha)

Imagine members of Team Melancholy and the Servamp Family coming over every so often. Both Sakuya and Kuro having their “annoying relatives™” coming over from time to time. It’s usually absolute chaos when they all come together but ends up being a good time a lot. (Again in an ideal happy ending I’m hoping the war between them all ends peacefully and everyone can have gatherings and be friends like this. JUST LET ME HAVE THIS THOUGHT PLEASE. I KNOW WE MIGHT LOSE SOME CHARACTERS ALONG THE WAY. BUT I NEED THEM ALL HAPPY. PLEASE.)

Tsubaki. Just imagine Tsubaki constantly teasing Kuro and Sakuya about stuff and their “relationship” with Mahiru. You know he would, how could Tsubaki not tease his older brother and his young subclass about it? “It’s so fun!” (I’m sure some of the others do this sometimes too for sure, but Tsubaki is close to them both so he gets the best of worlds and he loves it. lol) 

I like to imagine that a cute way that Sakuya and Kuro can bond is over their daily interests. For example, Kuro likes video games and Sakuya likes music. Sakuya’s canon interests include browsing music stores and playing rhythm games. So I can just imagined one day Kuro being like “What???? You don’t really play anything besides rhythm games??? What’s wrong with you?” Or something like that lol and makes Sakuya try something else for once. Or maybe Sakuya or Kuro challenging the other in a game of their choice and it results in several rounds of different kinds of gaming. (Sakuya purposely keeps picking rhythm games, so he can get a guaranteed win.) But Mahiru is so happy to see them having fun.

Mahiru definitely joins in their gaming sessions sometimes. (I don’t know why but I imagine Sakuya lets Mahiru win a lot lololol and Kuro is just over there like “God, what a suck up…” for the 800th time, but still constantly destroys them both in video games because you guys know Kuro has to be the best player out of the 3 of them.) 

Eventually sharing these interests will result in Sakuya sharing music with Kuro. (Sure, we don’t know if Kuro is a huge music fan or even what kind of music he likes,but I’m sure Sakuya and Kuro’s music tastes would be different enough that they would be able to share unique stuff with each other.) 

Imagine them all cooking dinner together. Mahiru trying to teach these two kitchen disasters how to cook. (Kuro sometimes eating some of the ingredients or completed parts of the meal before they even finish everything or just needing help in general sometimes haha, Mahiru thinks its rather cute sometimes too and doesn’t mind showing Kuro how.) I actually have a lot of thoughts about them cooking and just doing chores together. HELP ME. 

I doodled something like this once before a long time ago, but since Mahiru is still a human I like to imagine him slowly getting taller than both Sakuya and Kuro(even though not by that much, Mahiru is still the shortest out of three, soooooooo I just really like this idea.) Mahiru continually thinking it’s funny when they notice the changes and when either of them get confused or flustered by the fact “Oh what? Hey… you’re eye level to me now.” (Oh, those two poor immortal babies.) 

A bit of a sudden sadder thought here though, but I’m sure Kuro and Sakuya share the over-whelming sense of dread knowing Mahiru won’t last forever. Mahiru is still a human after all. But hey…. they will still have each other. Besides, it would be so sad that they stopped being friends or whatever they ended up becoming just because they lost Mahiru. Kuro and Sakuya would know Mahiru would probably want them to stay close and not fall apart because he’s no longer there. Mahiru would want them to be friends on their own and not just for him. 

Okay, but imagine school starting up again for Mahiru. Imagine Mahiru thinking Sakuya should go back to school with him(and kitty Kuro of course). Just like how it used to be. But Sakuya instantly being apprehensive and saying a lot of things like “Oh… n-no Mahiru… I can’t do that. You know I can’t. Not after the way I left and what I did… I don’t belong there….and they don’t remember me anymore…you know that.”  Mahiru would be saddened by Sakuya’s words and negativity because of the emotional baggage that comes with even the good memories of their time in school together. But Mahiru would maybe reassure Sakuya saying things like “Well…things are different now and I wouldn’t want to leave you here alone almost everyday. I just thought it might be the best solution for us all and I thought… I thought that’s what you originally wanted because now you have that choice again…” (FOR  REAL THOUGH GUYS SAKUYA’S ORIGINAL WISH WAS TO FINISH HIGH SCHOOL WITH MAHIRU, RYUSEI AND KOYUKI AND THEN LEAVE THEIR LIVES WITHOUT ANY COMMOTION  BECAUSE HE KNOWS HE’S A VAMPIRE AND CAN’T STAY WITH THEM AND I AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) 

Even though this is Sakuya’s internal dialogue here, it’s a still a very real thing he wanted AND I THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH. THE BOY JUST WANTS TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL AND BE A “NORMAL” TEEN BECAUSE HE NEVER GOT THAT BEFORE AND IT HURTS MEEEE.  ITS LITERALLY NO JOKE. 

okay need to end this hc here cause I actually have too many thoughts about this and could go on about this. 

Anyways, don’t think I forgot about Uncle Tooru haha but I can see things going a couple of ways with explaining things to him. (I mean, he’s got to find out about Mahiru’s involvement with vampires in the canon story eventually. Right?? Although…. I still wonder about Tooru’s potential involvement with C3…? but that’s another conversation for another time. But it makes me curious about this hc.) He technically knows about Kuro already. Only in cat form though in canon….and Tooru knows Sakuya exists as Mahiru’s friend still too and Tooru is the one who helped Mahiru realize he should go after Sakuya in the canon story. So I wonder if things would start out with Mahiru being like “Um… is it okay if my friend here stays for awhile?” or maybe they would just be at the point where they straight up tell the truth when they get chance. (Again, just a lot of ways this can play out. So aaaaaahhhh)

I’m sure there are times Mahiru misses his mother, especially when it gets around to the day the accident happened and I already had a small thought/headcanon that Kuro helps comfort Mahiru around that time the best he can, Mahiru has comforted Kuro during tough times and helped him face his regrets, so of course Kuro would do something like this for Mahiru. But now hear me out with this too. I also think the same thing happens for Sakuya but with his older sister, cause it’s no doubt she was very important to Sakuya. These losses are equally traumatic for Mahiru and Sakuya because they both lost important family members at a very young age. But they definitely mourn differently about it. I feel like Sakuya doesn’t like showing this kind of “weakness” and his sister/past overall is likely already a very touchy subject to bring up around him. (I mean we had to have Tsubaki tell Sakuya’s past in the canon story and not Sakuya himself, so I feel it’s something he definitely hates talking about and probably wouldn’t have ever mentioned it to Mahiru if it wasn’t for Tsubaki.) I feel like Sakuya would cry somewhere secretly in silence, because he doesn’t want anyone to ask him about it. I mean he’s technically done that before over Mahiru *cough* *cough* never forget episode 4 *cough* As much as Mahiru is likely to be the one to help Sakuya open up more and being the one Sakuya feels most comfortable talking to….I really really do like the idea of Sakuya and Kuro becoming close too and I truthfully don’t talk about it enough. I like the thought of Kuro actually beginning to really care about him first. So I like the thought of Kuro awkwardly trying to figure it out there’s anything he can do and if he should do any kind of physical contact or anything??? Kuro trying his best to be more social and showing more care in his own little Kuro way, gives me life alright? I need more of this kind of character development and Kuro trying to interact with others. I get the funniest thought of Kuro panicking and just patting Sakuya on the head and being like….”uh… there, there.” Help him he is trying. Kuro knows how to handle Mahiru but not green boy yet.  

I realized these hcs and thoughts slowly are getting more and more into angst territory, but hey I already said things wouldn’t always be smooth sailing for this ship. It would take a lot of building up.  

But it was nice talking about the fun ideas rather than mostly discussing angsty canon stuff. 

Since this is already getting super long and will turn into more rambles I will stop for now. Cause the more I talk the longer and more elaborate I try to get.  I wasn’t joking when I said I have way too many thoughts. 😂😂😂

Anyways, thanks for asking!!!! ❤❤❤❤💚💚💚💚💙💙💙💙 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ ✧ﾟ･: *ヽ(◕ヮ◕ヽ)

[kaiba-cave]

So I decided that when I go to the doctor to get more birth control (since I’ve just had trial packets so far and need an actual prescription) I’m going to ask him about the ADHD stuff. 

I feel kind of stupid about it, like I’m one of those people who googles their symptoms and jumps to thinking they have cancer. But honestly, the more I read about it the more I think it describes me perfectly. Like literally, half the stuff I do in my life describes this exactly. Especially the inattentive part of it. Hyperactive, not so much, but the inattentiveness ohhh my goddd yep. It’s not that I can’t focus on things I don’t like doing either like chores or homework it’s everything. Games, books, my writing, whatever. So. Hard. I spend 90% of my day scrolling Tumblr or playing Overwatch, which I think is because Overwatch is like ten minute intervals and I don’t have to concentrate as hard as I do on games with dialogue and cutscenes and stuff. I have SO MANY unfinished games because I just can’t keep my attention on them for longer than ten minutes. And freaking forget about reading books, if there’s something else I can do that is slightly more interactive then I’ll be doing that instead.

Anyways my doctor has always been pretty good at not being, like, doubtful about mental illnesses or whatever though. He prescribed me freaking lorazepam after I complained about anxiety at work once so I know he’s not against medication or anything, either. 

I’ve always just sort of thought I was a lazy procrastinator who would someday learn to manage my time properly and get my work done without hating life. I thought that was just how life was and that everyone else felt the same way but they were just better at it somehow. I didn’t realize it could be symptoms of this and now that I know I’m like wow, maybe that was the problem this whole time. I mean, maybe not, but it just fits so perfectly.

I did terribly in high school when it comes to schoolwork and homework, I did terrible in university (now I’m like whoa, was that part of the reason I dropped out?), and while I’m managing in college because it’s a lot easier, it’s still hard. I failed that one class in first year because I just forgot to do half the assignments and was just damn lucky the professor helped me make it up so I didn’t have to retake the whole thing. 

I haven’t told my mom yet either because while she’s also usually good with mental illness stuff, I feel like she’ll scoff and think I’m just trying to come up with an excuse as to why I don’t work hard enough in school or whatever and I’m looking for some magical answer that will make life easier. So I’m probably just not going to tell her until after I ask the doctor and see what he says. And if he says it’s nothing well then fuck me I guess lmao. 

I just have no clue how to bring it up to the doctor, lol. I’ve never told him about the problems I have focusing and stuff because like I said, I thought everyone was like this and I just wasn’t trying hard enough and other people were just better at life in general than me. I’m not sure if I should be like “hey doctor I’ve been looking into it and I think I might have some form of ADHD” or if I should just describe my symptoms and hope he picks up on it?? I have no idea. Like I said I feel so dumb about it. 😓

[entergamingxp]

DualShockers’ Favorite Games of 2019 — Ben’s Top 10

December 29, 2019 4:00 PM EST

From games like Apex Legends to The Outer Worlds, 2019 proved to me that there were a huge variety of games to enjoy across all genres.

As 2019 comes to a close, DualShockers and our staff are reflecting on this year’s batch of games and what were their personal highlights within the last year. Unlike the official Game of the Year 2019 awards for DualShockers, there are little-to-no-rules on our individual Top 10 posts. For instance, any game — not just 2019 releases — can be considered.

I’m not really sure where to begin with 2019. It’s a year I’ve certainly grown a hated for, and the gaming landscape has been incredibly volatile at times. We’ve seen the Sekiro discourse send a barrage of abuse towards both disabled gamers and journalists. We’ve seen a well-known publisher hold an AMA on 4Chan. We’ve seen E3 doxx nearly every journalist that has attended the event.

However, amongst the dark days we’ve had some great games come out in 2019, and I’ve been enjoying a handful of games I never would have experienced if it wasn’t for Xbox Game Pass. I’ve also been front and center in helping to direct change to how video games are made more accessible for players, but more on that at a later date.

So, here’s my top 10 list of games that I’ve been enjoying in 2019.

10. The Outer Worlds 

Originally this title from Obsidian Interactive was going to be higher up on my list, but after pondering on it I realized that it doesn’t entirely deserve to go too high. I enjoyed it, I completed it, I gushed about it for numerous weeks, and I found Parvati, a video game character I adored. But while I really enjoyed the game, it started to become a chore even thinking about picking it back up and trying to go through it all again. The combat felt groggy, the side-quests were a bit naff, and it wasn’t much of a broad open-world as I initially expected.

Saying that though, I did find the writing between the companions and the main storyline characters incredibly engaging and enjoyable to sit through. I liked how the acting reflected wonderfully on dialogue options I chose, and as a result, I found myself heavily engrossed in the story right up until the end where it told me the fate of those on my team that I may have neglected somewhat. The brilliant writing was enough for The Outer Worlds to have left an incredibly positive impression on me.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for The Outer Worlds.

9.  The Orange Box

I’m going to cheat a bit here. Earlier in 2019, I went through Portal for the hell of it; another journey through Valve’s puzzler with portals and an evil robot that sings about cake. I’ve played it God knows how many times and it still never gets old. I also jumped on Team Fortress 2 when news sparked up about the game no longer being supported by Valve for the time being. Hearing the news sent me down a nostalgic trip from my many hours spent with it. Returning to it was somewhat heart-warming to be back in the world, but at the same time heart-breaking that it seems riddled with hackers now. Despite that, it was still brilliant to go back.

With Half-Life: Alyx being revealed, I wanted to spark up my memories of the Half-Life world again. So I booted up Half-Life 2, Half-Life 2: Episode One, and then managed to get through Half-Life 2: Episode Two before becoming busy with this journalism lark. Safe to say, The Orange Box is by far my favorite collection of games that will always remain fun to play no matter how many years have passed, even now in 2019.

8. Ape Out

Devolver Digital’s crazy ooh-ah-ah game was one I enjoyed for hours, and still find myself picking it up every now and again. The gameplay was challenging at best, and had a soundtrack that reacted to the combat which kept me wanting to keep the fight going at all costs, even if it meant bleeding out everywhere. The sounds of the punches, gunfire, and limbs splattering were all of high-quality and kept Ape Out feeling more like a large-scale action flick rather than a small indie title.

The art style was also something I found to be the most memorable; it had a clash of gritty textures that seemed to blend in well with the vibrant orange ape. The harder modes for a bigger challenge were also incredibly frustrating but were always tempting for that “one more go” mentality. The one that stood out the most to me was the mode in which you have to break back into the place from which you escaped, but you’ve only got one life. The Metroidvania twist here left me with hours of extra fun trying to beat it.

Check out DualShockers review for Ape Out.

7. Stardew Valley

Stardew Valley is a game that I’ve always wanted to play, but one I never got round to until I got the Switch. Stardew Valley is one of those games that seems perfect for portability; I’ve always enjoyed relaxing games in which you can do simple things such as farming, but the pixel art style adds to the aesthetic that I found myself being drawn towards. I particularly enjoy the music combined with the gentle sounds of nature flittering through the world. Eventually, I found myself putting it down for a good few months, and it’s always sat there beckoning me to play it again.

It wasn’t until recently when I heard there was a new update for it that I picked it back up and jumped into an entirely new game, deleting my old farm. Upon doing so, I’ve rejuvenated my love for it and I’m glad I’m back on the scene for it. My only question is, will I continue enjoying it when Animal Crossing: New Horizons comes out, or will I abandon it for a town of overly happy animals? Time will tell.

6. Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice

Thank you Xbox Game Pass; if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have finally tried Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice. Originally, I never picked the game up because I didn’t think I’d enjoy it. There was no reason, in particular, it just didn’t draw me in. However, all the talk of how it represents mental health and how the graphics are stunning was enough for me to download it and try it out. I was blown away. The binaural sound design is really quite something to behold, especially with a good set of headphones. The character animations are lovely and the combat felt heavy and impactful.

I wasn’t a fan of the Metroidvania-theme that lingers throughout the game, but it certainly adds to the tension of trying to stay alive just so you don’t have to go through it all again. It’s certainly a game I’ve had a great time with, and am still enjoying playing it now as we wait for the sequel to arrive with the Xbox Series X.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice.

5. Tetris 99

I’ve always been a fan of Tetris, the old version and any modern-at-the-time iterations. When Tetris 99 was announced, I won’t lie, I groaned: “Ugh, another Battle Royale attempt.” Little did I know that I grew to love it almost instantly. The matches can be quick, some can be lengthy and challenging. Some can be frustrating and some can leave me cocky and proud. I had started to grow fed up of it being constantly online though, and while I don’t agree that the single-player mode is locked behind a paywall, I paid for it.

The Big Blocks DLC is actually great, allowing me to play it with friends on the same system without needing to worry about 97 other players battling against us. The marathon mode is also addictive, with me racking up over 500 lines in one match. The fact that the game is still sporting a good deal of players online is also fantastic because whenever I want to jump online and play it, there’s always players there to fill 99 slots.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Tetris 99.

4. Sea of Thieves

Sea of Thieves is still my all-time pirate game, even in 2019. I still get a lot of satisfaction from it, especially when it comes to just hanging out and having fun with friends or family. There’s always something to find, quests to do, and enemy ships to battle, but not only that, the game is continually being supported with more and more updates. These updates bring small changes and some big changes, such as the addition of fire which I find devastatingly good fun. I can’t get enough of the game, and while sailing alone can be boring, it’s still somewhat relaxing and a lovely escape from life.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for Sea of Thieves.

3. Rocket League

Okay, the new Blueprints update has kind of angered the community, and I myself am annoyed that all the items I was planning to trade are now suddenly not tradable. But it goes without saying, Rocket League is still one of my favourite titles, specifically on the Switch. I used to play it on PC, then I switched to Xbox, but I’ve found myself more comfortable with it on the Switch due to the portability and being able to lounge around while knocking my balls around (you know what I mean).

What I most enjoy about the game though is the full cross-platform play that allows me to enjoy it with friends and family on different platforms. It’s an absolute godsend and keeps the game thriving with players.

2. The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt

I just can’t not have a year where I don’t pick this game up. Now it’s getting even harder to ignore despite being several years old because it’s being re-released on everything. It landed on the Nintendo Switch and sparked up the whole hype surrounding it again, then just as the chatter dies down, it heads over to Xbox Game Pass too. In addition to that, the Netflix series went live this month, making 2019 a pretty big year for The Witcher fans.

I still love jumping into the game, whether it’s to carry on with my quests I still haven’t completed, or to wander the expansive world for no reason but exploration, or to just take photos with Nividia Ansel. I’ve also found myself starting the game from scratch earlier this year because I forgot where I was, but this meant I got to experience the brilliant missions towards the start of the game, especially those with the Bloody Baron. It’s a game I don’t think I’ll ever tire of.

Check out DualShockers‘ review for The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt.

1. Apex Legends

A surprise favorite of mine. I tried getting into other Battle Royale games such as PUBG, Fortnite, Battlefield V‘s Firestorm mode, etc, but none have stuck with me. It wasn’t until Respawn Entertainment’s Apex Legends hooked me. I love nearly everything about it; the art is lovely, the way it feels to play is fluid, and the Ping system is revolutionary with me not even needing to use a headset to communicate.

The game has done well for itself since launch. While lately it has been slow on updating the game with new content, eventually the developers caught up and started introducing quality content over quantity. It’s a game I keep wanting to play, a game I continually enjoy despite dying so many times I fear my team despises me, and a game that I hope continues to be supported and inspires more multiplayer games to incorporate a Ping system.

Check out the rest of the DualShockers staff Top 10 lists and our official Game of the Year Awards:

December 23: DualShockers Game of the Year Awards 2019 December 25: Lou Contaldi, Editor-in-Chief // Logan Moore, Managing Editor December 26: Tomas Franzese, News Editor // Ryan Meitzler, Features Editor  December 27: Mike Long, Community Manager // Scott White, Staff Writer December 28: Chris Compendio, Contributor // Mario Rivera, Video Manager // Kris Cornelisse, Staff Writer December 29: Scott Meaney, Community Director // Allisa James, Senior Staff Writer // Ben Bayliss, Senior Staff Writer December 30: Cameron Hawkins, Staff Writer // David Gill, Senior Staff Writer // Portia Lightfoot, Contributor December 31: Iyane Agossah, Senior Staff Writer // Michael Ruiz, Senior Staff Writer // Rachael Fiddis, Contributor January 1: Ricky Frech, Senior Staff Writer // Tanner Pierce, Staff Writer

December 29, 2019 4:00 PM EST

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