#also: no i will not stop screaming about 'piece of your heart' by mayday parade

[theflyingfeeling]

Did someone order an angsty Olli/Allu piece with an attempt at hurt/comfort and a pinch of some melancholic spice? No? Well, I wrote one anyway, I hope you enjoy 🖤

~~~

just want your energy, a piece of that fractured mountain

I'll take whatever comes with it as long as it's yours

— Piece of Your Heart by Mayday Parade

~~~

Aleksi wasn't sure how long he had been staring at Olli's sleeping face until he realised the man was only pretending to sleep. Likewise, Aleksi couldn't decide what had finally given it away; it might have been the way Olli seemed to hold his breath whenever people passed their door in the echoing hotel corridor or every time Aleksi's phone pinged on the nightstand, or maybe the final clue had been how, every time Aleksi had shifted under the duvet to keep his arm from going numb or to adjust his pillow, Olli had moved himself closer to Aleksi, ever so slightly, so that their limbs would be touching again.

However, there was no reaction when Aleksi lifted his hand to lightly caress Olli's cheek, no sign of his stern expression softening. Aleksi repressed a sigh. He wanted to respect Olli's silence, even if it stung his heart a little.

Seasonal melancholia for reasons I can't explain, Olli had told him.

Can't or won't? Aleksi had wanted to ask, but had kept his mouth shut instead. Perhaps Olli really didn't have the words to spell out why his mood turned blue whenever the leaves in the trees turned red and yellow, and why it all seemed to be so much more severe this year, much more oppressive and unsettling, to the point that Aleksi didn't know what to do some days, didn't know how to ease Olli's pain without Aleksi being able to crawl inside his head and shovel out all the sadness. He knew it wasn't his place to do so, nor did Olli expect him to, but he felt so utterly helpless when all he could do was sit by Olli and share his physical space while his mind was somewhere else completely, far out of Aleksi's reach, no matter how hard he tried to hold out his hand.

Yet, he kept trying. He had to, because every time Olli was like this – absent, disappeared into another dimension – Aleksi was scared this would be the time Olli wouldn't come back to him anymore. That was why, despite the lack of response and the hollow feeling inside his own chest, Aleksi kept stroking Olli's shaven cheek, careful not to disturb his seeming peace too much.

Olli's long lashes rested against his cheekbones. On a less sombre Sunday morning, Aleksi would've blown air on them, just to see them flutter and eventually reveal the blue behind them, often followed by a sleepy smile and a revenge of some kind: a pinch to Aleksi's side or a scheming hand sneaking inside the back of Aleksi's boxers to punish him for disrupting Olli's sleep.

(Every time the others would joke about Olli being a heavy sleeper, Aleksi would laugh along; not because he agreed, but because he knew better – or perhaps he just had certain, unfair advantages.)

The task of taking in Olli's unreadable expression was far too important to abandon for the sake of checking the time or opening the messages that kept Aleksi's phone buzzing on the small table beside the bed. He didn't need to anyway; Aleksi assumed it was past the opening hours of the breakfast buffet already, and the band group chat was probably asking what was up and if the two of them were joining the shopping spree that had been planned for the day. He reckoned they could always get blueberry muffins from the 7-Eleven across the street and that they could catch up with the others later, should they feel like checking out the malls and boutiques of downtown Seattle. Right now, all Aleksi needed to do was make sure Olli was comfortable, to make him feel safe enough to maybe allow Aleksi to carry some of his burden for him, whatever it was.

Holding back another hopeless sigh, Aleksi gave up his attempts to have Olli open his eyes or in any other way indicate he was awake. He retreated his hand with one final stroke across Olli's cheek, biting his inner lip as if that did anything to stop his own eyes from stinging. Olli looked so lovely, lying there next to him so peacefully, yet Aleksi knew his mind was anything but; it felt unfair in every aspect of the situation – Olli's misery and Aleksi's inability to do anything about it – so was it really any wonder that Aleksi, too, was a little downcast?

If his tears would've done anything at all to bring Olli back to life, back to him, Aleksi would've filled the entire Pacific Ocean with them.

Blinking rapidly and trying to calm his shaky breathing, Aleksi almost missed Olli cracking his eyes open slightly, shooting him a sleepy gaze before closing them again,

"Don't stop." In the bleak quietness of the room, Olli's silent request sounded louder than it was, deafening in its anguish more than in its volume.

Aleksi was quick to return his hand to Olli's face, using his palm to cup Olli's cheek and his thumb to stroke softly over his cheekbone. It was then he saw the smallest of shifts in Olli's expression: the slight crease of his brow softening, the thin line of his lips relaxing, his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed and rested his head deeper against his pillow. Encouraged by the response, Aleksi shuffled closer and touched the tip of his nose to Olli's, hoping to see his eyelids flutter again or maybe even his lips twitch. For a long, heart-breaking second Aleksi felt defeated, but then Olli nudged his nose against Aleksi's own, and Aleksi felt a little easy to breathe again.

I'm here, Aleksi communicated wordlessly with another nudge, a little further up the bridge of Olli's nose, right by his cheekbone. Anything you need, I'm here for you.

Even his stomach objecting for the lack of breakfast couldn't stop Aleksi from nuzzling up against Olli like a lovesick kitten, but Olli begged to differ.

"Are you hungry?" Aleksi wanted to silence such irrelevant questions with a kiss to Olli's lips; they were close enough for that very purpose.

"Kinda," he mumbled nevertheless. "You?"

Olli didn't answer. Aleksi didn't expect him to.

"We can stay here a little longer. If you want to."

Olli sighed and pressed his forehead against Aleksi's. Aleksi took that as a yes.

~

It was close to noon when they ventured out to find something to eat. There was a cosy-looking coffee shop down the road, but they ended up gathering their brunch supplies from their nearest convenience store and retreating back to their hotel room, deciding the coffee shop was too crowded and suffered from a sever lack of soft beds to cuddle on. They even made out some, which they hadn't done since they had set foot on North American soil; Olli's kisses tasted of cheap corner store chocolate and vending machine coffee, all the makings of an easy, lazy Sunday far away from home, and it was almost enough for Aleksi to ignore the frown that was threatening to make its return to Olli's presence.

Almost.

In the afternoon the band gathered for a scheduled rehearsal at the studio of a friend of a friend of a friend, and for every hour that passed, the comfort of the noon seemed like a distant memory. With a worried scowl, Aleksi watched Olli go on about his routines without a word: fixing the strings of his bass and strumming out notes with a solemn face, never missing a single beat, yet somehow not fully in the music either, which was the polar opposite of what Olli usually was when he played. He said nothing to participate in the conversations around him, although Aleksi knew he was listening. He hardly reacted to Tommi's puns and only smiled wryly at Aleksi's, which was cold comfort in the bigger picture, but comfort nevertheless. He stayed in Aleksi's proximity as they played, sat by his side when they took a break, even rested his head on Aleksi's shoulder when sleepiness seemed to get the better of him. As the afternoon turned into evening and the topic of conversation began to shift from music to beer and TGI Friday's, Olli shot Aleksi a look that spoke more than a thousand words.

Take me home.

Aleksi couldn't do that, of course, so he did the next best thing and excused them so they could leave the others with their after-practice plans and take a cab back to the hotel.

Back in their room, it didn't take them long to end up exactly how they had started the day, facing each other on the bed under the duvet, Aleksi's hand gently smoothing Olli's skin. The only difference was that Olli's eyes were open – drowsy, but open – and that his breathing was somehow more heavier, hotter against Aleksi's lips.

Aleksi knew what it meant the moment he felt Olli's hand on his neck.

Olli's lips on his felt like a ghost of a kiss at first, a shadow of all the passion Aleksi knew was hiding somewhere inside his lover. Aleksi let Olli slide his tongue inside Aleksi's mouth, deepening the kiss with each deep breath he took; he let Olli's fingers graze over his bare chest, along his side to his hips and from there to the front of his boxers.

His palm worked in a circular motion imitating the movements of Olli's tongue inside Aleksi's mouth.

"Are you sure?" Aleksi pulled back when his cock began to show interest towards Olli's skilled fingers.

As a reply to Aleksi's question, Olli grabbed his hand by the wrist, interrupting its efforts in fondling Olli's back, and shamelessly placed it on his own bulge. The hardness under the fabric was all the hint Aleksi needed.

While they pleasured each other, their kisses grew hungrier, needier, almost overwhelmingly so, until Aleksi had to withdraw with a gasp to fill his lungs with much-needed air. He barely had time to exhale before Olli's lips were back on his, hasty, desperate, urgent, nearly breaking Aleksi's heart all over again with their despair. As Olli's movements got more frantic, with his hand picking up its speed on Aleksi's cock and his hips thrusting into Aleksi's fist, his teeth began to nibble on Aleksi's bottom lip. Aleksi didn't have to guess what it was a sign of once he felt the teeth sink in deeper, full-on biting him as Olli chased his climax with Aleksi's hand on him, stroking him closer to the edge until Aleksi could taste traces of iron on his tongue. It was then Olli released his lip, gasping as his semen spilled over Aleksi's fingers, painting them white and wet. Moaning softly, Aleksi followed shortly after with Olli's generous help, too generous even, as his hand was still pumping Aleksi's hard-on when the aftershocks of his orgasm made his body tremble.

(Fair enough, Olli had the power to make him tremble even without his hand on his cock; most days, all Olli needed to do was just look at him a certain way, and he'd crumble like an overbaked ginger biscuit.)

The look on Olli's eyes now was dark and dazed, yet Aleksi could detect a hint of serenity in them, behind all the shades of sadness. It may as well be gone in the morning, but Aleksi allowed himself to revel in the sparkle of hope he saw in front of him, in his lover's gaze.

Before they'd fall asleep, Aleksi fetched a towel to dry them both clean (and nearly passed out when Olli used his finger to wipe a drop of Aleksi's cum off his abdomen and brought it to his lips); then he lay down on his back to make room for Olli under his armpit, knowing (and hoping) that's where he preferred to be after sex, and by some happy coincidence, that's exactly where Aleksi wanted (more like needed) him as well.

Maybe Olli would be a step closer to him in the morning. Perhaps he'd have taken two more steps back. However it may be, Aleksi would be right there waiting for him, ready whenever he was, his hand already reaching out for Olli's.