#very minor though! i promise! no self-harm! someone just gets a bit carried away during sexytimes! read and find out! 🙏

[theflyingfeeling]

Did someone order an angsty Olli/Allu piece with an attempt at hurt/comfort and a pinch of some melancholic spice? No? Well, I wrote one anyway, I hope you enjoy 🖤

~~~

just want your energy, a piece of that fractured mountain

I'll take whatever comes with it as long as it's yours

— Piece of Your Heart by Mayday Parade

~~~

Aleksi wasn't sure how long he had been staring at Olli's sleeping face until he realised the man was only pretending to sleep. Likewise, Aleksi couldn't decide what had finally given it away; it might have been the way Olli seemed to hold his breath whenever people passed their door in the echoing hotel corridor or every time Aleksi's phone pinged on the nightstand, or maybe the final clue had been how, every time Aleksi had shifted under the duvet to keep his arm from going numb or to adjust his pillow, Olli had moved himself closer to Aleksi, ever so slightly, so that their limbs would be touching again.

However, there was no reaction when Aleksi lifted his hand to lightly caress Olli's cheek, no sign of his stern expression softening. Aleksi repressed a sigh. He wanted to respect Olli's silence, even if it stung his heart a little.

Seasonal melancholia for reasons I can't explain, Olli had told him.

Can't or won't? Aleksi had wanted to ask, but had kept his mouth shut instead. Perhaps Olli really didn't have the words to spell out why his mood turned blue whenever the leaves in the trees turned red and yellow, and why it all seemed to be so much more severe this year, much more oppressive and unsettling, to the point that Aleksi didn't know what to do some days, didn't know how to ease Olli's pain without Aleksi being able to crawl inside his head and shovel out all the sadness. He knew it wasn't his place to do so, nor did Olli expect him to, but he felt so utterly helpless when all he could do was sit by Olli and share his physical space while his mind was somewhere else completely, far out of Aleksi's reach, no matter how hard he tried to hold out his hand.

Yet, he kept trying. He had to, because every time Olli was like this – absent, disappeared into another dimension – Aleksi was scared this would be the time Olli wouldn't come back to him anymore. That was why, despite the lack of response and the hollow feeling inside his own chest, Aleksi kept stroking Olli's shaven cheek, careful not to disturb his seeming peace too much.

Olli's long lashes rested against his cheekbones. On a less sombre Sunday morning, Aleksi would've blown air on them, just to see them flutter and eventually reveal the blue behind them, often followed by a sleepy smile and a revenge of some kind: a pinch to Aleksi's side or a scheming hand sneaking inside the back of Aleksi's boxers to punish him for disrupting Olli's sleep.

(Every time the others would joke about Olli being a heavy sleeper, Aleksi would laugh along; not because he agreed, but because he knew better – or perhaps he just had certain, unfair advantages.)

The task of taking in Olli's unreadable expression was far too important to abandon for the sake of checking the time or opening the messages that kept Aleksi's phone buzzing on the small table beside the bed. He didn't need to anyway; Aleksi assumed it was past the opening hours of the breakfast buffet already, and the band group chat was probably asking what was up and if the two of them were joining the shopping spree that had been planned for the day. He reckoned they could always get blueberry muffins from the 7-Eleven across the street and that they could catch up with the others later, should they feel like checking out the malls and boutiques of downtown Seattle. Right now, all Aleksi needed to do was make sure Olli was comfortable, to make him feel safe enough to maybe allow Aleksi to carry some of his burden for him, whatever it was.

Holding back another hopeless sigh, Aleksi gave up his attempts to have Olli open his eyes or in any other way indicate he was awake. He retreated his hand with one final stroke across Olli's cheek, biting his inner lip as if that did anything to stop his own eyes from stinging. Olli looked so lovely, lying there next to him so peacefully, yet Aleksi knew his mind was anything but; it felt unfair in every aspect of the situation – Olli's misery and Aleksi's inability to do anything about it – so was it really any wonder that Aleksi, too, was a little downcast?

If his tears would've done anything at all to bring Olli back to life, back to him, Aleksi would've filled the entire Pacific Ocean with them.

Blinking rapidly and trying to calm his shaky breathing, Aleksi almost missed Olli cracking his eyes open slightly, shooting him a sleepy gaze before closing them again,

"Don't stop." In the bleak quietness of the room, Olli's silent request sounded louder than it was, deafening in its anguish more than in its volume.

Aleksi was quick to return his hand to Olli's face, using his palm to cup Olli's cheek and his thumb to stroke softly over his cheekbone. It was then he saw the smallest of shifts in Olli's expression: the slight crease of his brow softening, the thin line of his lips relaxing, his Adam's apple moving as he swallowed and rested his head deeper against his pillow. Encouraged by the response, Aleksi shuffled closer and touched the tip of his nose to Olli's, hoping to see his eyelids flutter again or maybe even his lips twitch. For a long, heart-breaking second Aleksi felt defeated, but then Olli nudged his nose against Aleksi's own, and Aleksi felt a little easy to breathe again.

I'm here, Aleksi communicated wordlessly with another nudge, a little further up the bridge of Olli's nose, right by his cheekbone. Anything you need, I'm here for you.

Even his stomach objecting for the lack of breakfast couldn't stop Aleksi from nuzzling up against Olli like a lovesick kitten, but Olli begged to differ.

"Are you hungry?" Aleksi wanted to silence such irrelevant questions with a kiss to Olli's lips; they were close enough for that very purpose.

"Kinda," he mumbled nevertheless. "You?"

Olli didn't answer. Aleksi didn't expect him to.

"We can stay here a little longer. If you want to."

Olli sighed and pressed his forehead against Aleksi's. Aleksi took that as a yes.

~

It was close to noon when they ventured out to find something to eat. There was a cosy-looking coffee shop down the road, but they ended up gathering their brunch supplies from their nearest convenience store and retreating back to their hotel room, deciding the coffee shop was too crowded and suffered from a sever lack of soft beds to cuddle on. They even made out some, which they hadn't done since they had set foot on North American soil; Olli's kisses tasted of cheap corner store chocolate and vending machine coffee, all the makings of an easy, lazy Sunday far away from home, and it was almost enough for Aleksi to ignore the frown that was threatening to make its return to Olli's presence.

Almost.

In the afternoon the band gathered for a scheduled rehearsal at the studio of a friend of a friend of a friend, and for every hour that passed, the comfort of the noon seemed like a distant memory. With a worried scowl, Aleksi watched Olli go on about his routines without a word: fixing the strings of his bass and strumming out notes with a solemn face, never missing a single beat, yet somehow not fully in the music either, which was the polar opposite of what Olli usually was when he played. He said nothing to participate in the conversations around him, although Aleksi knew he was listening. He hardly reacted to Tommi's puns and only smiled wryly at Aleksi's, which was cold comfort in the bigger picture, but comfort nevertheless. He stayed in Aleksi's proximity as they played, sat by his side when they took a break, even rested his head on Aleksi's shoulder when sleepiness seemed to get the better of him. As the afternoon turned into evening and the topic of conversation began to shift from music to beer and TGI Friday's, Olli shot Aleksi a look that spoke more than a thousand words.

Take me home.

Aleksi couldn't do that, of course, so he did the next best thing and excused them so they could leave the others with their after-practice plans and take a cab back to the hotel.

Back in their room, it didn't take them long to end up exactly how they had started the day, facing each other on the bed under the duvet, Aleksi's hand gently smoothing Olli's skin. The only difference was that Olli's eyes were open – drowsy, but open – and that his breathing was somehow more heavier, hotter against Aleksi's lips.

Aleksi knew what it meant the moment he felt Olli's hand on his neck.

Olli's lips on his felt like a ghost of a kiss at first, a shadow of all the passion Aleksi knew was hiding somewhere inside his lover. Aleksi let Olli slide his tongue inside Aleksi's mouth, deepening the kiss with each deep breath he took; he let Olli's fingers graze over his bare chest, along his side to his hips and from there to the front of his boxers.

His palm worked in a circular motion imitating the movements of Olli's tongue inside Aleksi's mouth.

"Are you sure?" Aleksi pulled back when his cock began to show interest towards Olli's skilled fingers.

As a reply to Aleksi's question, Olli grabbed his hand by the wrist, interrupting its efforts in fondling Olli's back, and shamelessly placed it on his own bulge. The hardness under the fabric was all the hint Aleksi needed.

While they pleasured each other, their kisses grew hungrier, needier, almost overwhelmingly so, until Aleksi had to withdraw with a gasp to fill his lungs with much-needed air. He barely had time to exhale before Olli's lips were back on his, hasty, desperate, urgent, nearly breaking Aleksi's heart all over again with their despair. As Olli's movements got more frantic, with his hand picking up its speed on Aleksi's cock and his hips thrusting into Aleksi's fist, his teeth began to nibble on Aleksi's bottom lip. Aleksi didn't have to guess what it was a sign of once he felt the teeth sink in deeper, full-on biting him as Olli chased his climax with Aleksi's hand on him, stroking him closer to the edge until Aleksi could taste traces of iron on his tongue. It was then Olli released his lip, gasping as his semen spilled over Aleksi's fingers, painting them white and wet. Moaning softly, Aleksi followed shortly after with Olli's generous help, too generous even, as his hand was still pumping Aleksi's hard-on when the aftershocks of his orgasm made his body tremble.

(Fair enough, Olli had the power to make him tremble even without his hand on his cock; most days, all Olli needed to do was just look at him a certain way, and he'd crumble like an overbaked ginger biscuit.)

The look on Olli's eyes now was dark and dazed, yet Aleksi could detect a hint of serenity in them, behind all the shades of sadness. It may as well be gone in the morning, but Aleksi allowed himself to revel in the sparkle of hope he saw in front of him, in his lover's gaze.

Before they'd fall asleep, Aleksi fetched a towel to dry them both clean (and nearly passed out when Olli used his finger to wipe a drop of Aleksi's cum off his abdomen and brought it to his lips); then he lay down on his back to make room for Olli under his armpit, knowing (and hoping) that's where he preferred to be after sex, and by some happy coincidence, that's exactly where Aleksi wanted (more like needed) him as well.

Maybe Olli would be a step closer to him in the morning. Perhaps he'd have taken two more steps back. However it may be, Aleksi would be right there waiting for him, ready whenever he was, his hand already reaching out for Olli's.

[imagine-loki]

The Slutty Webs one Weaves

Title : The Slutty Webs one Weaves

Chapter NO. 5 of 10?

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine Loki’s Asgardian wife learns women write fanfiction about him on a trip to Midgard. She’s edgy for the duration and lets him have it when they get back.

Author: lokilover9

Rating: M

Thor agreed Brianna going to Asgard a good idea as Loki presumed and shielded her from Heimdall's sight as a precautionary measure. Before leaving, the brother's sat observing Little Warrior lead Tony and Pepper to the couch and hand him a usb stick.

"What's this?" He asked.

"A computer virus. My revenge plan was to disembowel Jarvis if you hadn't kept your promise."

Stark eyed Loki who shrugged a shoulder. "Don't look at me. I only learned of it this morning."

"It's my creation, pretty nasty and should be destroyed." Said Brianna.

"How nasty?"

"It bears the potential to wipe out most of New York's power grids."

Tony was momentarily speechless. "I'll do that and am overjoyed you two became friends."

"Me too and sorry for being so rude when you touched my stuff."

"It's alright." Said Pepper.

"No it wasn't. You deserve to know why. Loki mentioned the homeless people right?"

"Yes."

"Dory was the first one I met. Taught me handy street smarts and helped shop for my boy clothes. Ran away from home because her moms boyfriend was a jerk. I encouraged her to call one day and when she learned they split up, convinced her to go home. Really smart person. Dreams of becoming an Astronaut. Anyway, she had a big crush on Captain America and gave me her favorite hat as a gift. Then I met Muriel. A mean looking older lady who was actually super sweet and protected me something fierce. Beat this guy up one night for trying to steal my blanket while cursing him sideways. She loved Chinese food and taught me self defence techniques, like how to poke a hole in someone's brain by shoving a chopstick up their nose."

Everyone's ears and attention piqued as Tony wondered if Muriel was a distant cousin of Sasquatch's. "Hopefully not on live subjects."

"No, silly. On a plastic skull she molded a face onto with clay. I paid for the supplies. Helping police identify people used to be her job in Arizona. Great way to kill zombies though. Best to behead them like with vampires and guarantee they've bit the bullet." Brianna then pulled a gold bracelet with a four leaf clover charm from her pocket. "Muriel was Irish and gave me this for good luck. It's too big so I carry it in my pocket. Before meeting you guys, they were the first people who were super nice to me. I fretted their gifts ruined in the wash."

"I'm sorry." Said Pepper.

"It's okay. I was just a little freaked."

'And nearly built a cave for the abominable snowman.' Thought Stark. "We were more worried about you after the fact."

"I could tell by your happy dance when I woke."

"Hey, badass did one too. In the hall. You didn't see."

Brianna giggled. "Thanks to you both for everything and I'm sorry for lying."

"Meh, we understand."

"I meant about not having a favorite Avenger. It's you uncle Cootyoodles. That's why I sought your help first. The Black Widow was my next stop."

Tony pictured Nat teaching her how to yank teeth out with pliers and felt twice as relieved for keeping that promise. "Nat's eccentric and hates zombies. I'm way more fun." Brianna suddenly hugged him tightly and kissed his cheek. "Awe, Little Warrior. Friends forever?"

"Damn straight!" Then she did the same to Pepper. "I forgot to explain why you're a badass role model. Working so hard to become CEO of a massive company like Stark Industries and executing all that embodies? You rock! I hope to grow up as astute, diligent and athoritative. Maybe I'll run a company one day."

"You already possess those traits and will exceed my achievements."

No one knew that better than Loki who cleared his throat. "Grandmother and Grandfather go to bed early, Min Lille."

"One more minute, please?"

"Alright."

She studied Stark, pondering the best way to implement her request. "You don't have to do this, but… Not all homeless people are bad or crazy like others seem to believe. Many hit hard times and the world is so expensive, they couldn't keep up. No one I met lived on the streets because they wanted to. There just aren't enough shelters or resources available. You're rich Tony and could help them. Will you try?"

As Loki had succeeded with Frigga, those beautiful pleading eyes won her case. "You really know how to pull a guys heart strings, kid. I promise."

Loki wasn't aware she'd intended to ask this, yet was so proud of her. "Min Lille?"

"I know." She politely replied.

"You have to go." Tony suddenly stood and darted for the hall. "Be back in a jiffy."

"Meet him by the elevator, or you'll never leave." Suggested Pepper.

He returned and handed Loki a loaded Iron Man backpack. "More things? Shall I conjure a crate for the bifrost?"

They'd already given her an overstuffed suitcase of clothes and toys and Stark held a gift bag in hand. "Be quiet, you. It's a peanut butter stash. Does Asgard have bananas?"

"Yes." 'Thank the Norn's.'

Tony knelt before Brianna. "I would've packed some tater tots, but you ate them all again."

She smirked. "My goof."

"Rascal. Try to ignore a wee, bitty smidgen, you aren't into girly stuff? We couldn't help ourselves with you off to Asgard."

Brianna pulled from the bag a pink baseball cap that said Warrior Princess in tiny diamond gems and proudly adorned it. "You sure know how to pull a girls heart strings."

"I put some Motown CD's in there too. Teach Dad to moonwalk." Loki sighed, pushed the elevator button and Tony playfully whispered. "From a distance. In case he trips over his own big feet." He hugged her again and summoned Jarvis.

"Yes, sir?"

"Our friend is leaving."

"Goodbye, Little Warrior." Said the AI.

"Bye. Sending you a virtual hug."

She joined Thor inside while Loki shook hands with Tony, his expression saying everything. "Any time. Now get the 'bleep' out of my Tower before I thieve your Daughter."

Brianna shouted as it closed. "There's presents on your bed! I'll miss you!"

Peppers was a black t shirt with gold letters that read Badass Role Model and Tony's was a monsterous box filled with tater tots.

"Don't do it, Butch. If you cry, I'm gonna cry." ***** Loki had purposely slowed the elevator allowing her time to give Thor a drawing.

"Mjolnir in a field of flowers? Thank you fair maiden."

"It's a scratch n' sniff."

"A what?"

Loki picked up Brianna. "You scratch the flowers, then sniff them. The effect is most appealing the stronger you inhale."

Thor took a whiff and wriggled his nose. "Quite the nostril tickler. What should they smell like?"

"Try harder." 'Doofus.'

He took another, looked cross eyed at Loki and began swaying. "...Brother..you…" Then down he went striking the floor with a thud the tip of his nose covered in sparkly dust.

"Sorry, uncle Thor."

Loki chuckled at her wince. "The spell is mild and shall soon wear off."

"Is he hurt?"

Loki let her down to hurle the hefty Thor over his shoulder. "Us God's are resilient. Your uncle once endured a skirmish with the Hulk." After escorting them through a portal and delivering Brother oaf to his bed, he lead Brianna through a second into some woods.

"That was awesome! Will you teach me how to do it?"

"Not in the near future. It's very complicated, darling and I'd hate to think you lost in another dimension." 'Or vanishing one day as an angry teen with a troublesome suitor I dream of throttling.'

"Okay." Brianna nervously scanned the area. "Now what? Carnivores hunt these woods."

"Northern Alberta is home to many. Never go outside without me and none will harm you."

"But wolves hunt in packs and grizzlies are bigger than you."

He booped her little nose. "I'll smell them before they smell us and neither possess deadly weapons in interdimensional pockets."

"Where our luggage is? I tried hiding bigger items in them and the darn things wouldn't come back. Hannah was furious, but I didn't care."

"What did you hide?"

"The back wheels of her Lamborghini, Gallardo. I overheard my Mother tell Claudia she got it from her rich boyfriend."

Loki recalled from spending time with Stark this wasn't a billionaire's vehicle, yet financially unattainable to the average Midgardian. "I see. Did she mention his occupation?"

"Plastic surgeon."

Brianna deserved that minor victory and although he wouldn't encourage it, one cannot preach vengeance a negative path when mapping their own. 'Perhaps he'll be useful to the sluts after I'm done.' "Ah. Care to see what I did while you slept last night?"

"You left me?" She confusedly asked.

He picked her up again. "It was necessary and I returned, yes? I won't abandon you, Og Min Lille."

"Never?"

"Never, darling. "Loki headed for a shack nearby nestled amidst some bushes. With its crooked roof, faded wood and door minus a hinge the structure looked ready to collapse.

"We're staying there?"

"Why not? I'll conjure an outdoor toilet." He teased. "Sheltered of course."

"Ewww."

"Come now. At night we'll have heated beds and during the day, roast squirrels on an open fire."

She scrunched her face in disgust. "Blech! I'd rather eat tree bark."

"You'll get an awful tummy ache."

They entered the dingy space and Brianna instantly focused on the filthy floor covered in forest debris. So intently, she didn't notice the sturdier frames of the structure only visible from within. "How will we keep the door closed and is that poop?"

Loki rolled his eyes at some turds in a corner. "The cabin is made of Brazilian Ebony."

"One of the strongest woods on earth." She commented.

He arched an intrugued brow. "Stained to appear aged, it's also bulletproof in light of human hunters. Consider the other materials deceiving movie props. The 'raccoon' poop is genuine." It vanished with a wave of his hand. "Now, did you mean that door?" It closed and he conjured a deadbolt onto the surface with a panel directly above. "Place your hand in the center?" Brianna did and it glowed green, spreading magic from the center throughout every surface like glowing, emerald fireflies. As they dimmed, Loki turned around. "Or this one?" The floor, suddenly cleared of debris had a sliding glass door in the center.

Brianna gasped in wonder, glancing between him and the mystery beneath. "Where does it go?"

"Did you think a sorcerer Prince would allow his Princess daughter to dwell in a shabby old shack?"

"Ancestry aside, I sincerely hoped not. Even an RV would've been better."

He chuckled at her frankness. "And you worried of uncle Thor bumping his head? The shacks purpose was added safety should a need arise and to keep our secret entrance hidden. "Once the outer door locks, only the interior alters. To outsiders, nothing changes." It opened and he carried her down a mutedly lit spiral staircase, each step progressively illuminating the space below.

At the bottom, she slid from his arm in awe. "Shut the front door! You 'definitely' have to teach me how to do this."

Min Lille was referencing conjuring. Another ability Loki thanked the Norns she didn't yet possess, having confessed so before requesting Tony and Pepper's gifts. "In time. Beyond that archway, another surprise awaits." Loki followed and suddenly pondered Brianna conjuring a future dwelling for herself and that troublesome suitor. 'Lessons commence when your forty.' ***** Thor woke to find two notes in his shirt pocket. One for himself the other, Astrid; 'Sleep well, Brother? We won't be returning to Asgard just yet. Please give this to my wife? I recommend waiting several days, discreet delivery and a hasty exit. A visit will follow and when interrogated, lie. Tell her Brianna came to you and don't mention her ice concoction. Unless you enjoy Father's company when several fries short of a happy meal. As I planned our escape without Tony's knowledge, do avoid his unnecessary panic and Pepper seeking our demise, by not telling our dear friend? Min Lille is safe.'

"That shyster." He grumbled. Jane returned in six days as would Astrid to a missing Loki. Waiting risked a molotov cocktail interrogation. His beloved and coronary inducing sister-in-law, banging down their locked bathroom door while the mighty Thor coward behind a shower curtain. Plus Maxi Waxis training schedule ended in two days. Bribery assured those lips zippered, but Heimdall would think his hastiness suspicious. He called to the trainee in the middle of the night, snuck into the palace and raced back to the observatory like the looney tunes road runner. "Spend it well nincompoo..eh he, Max. Asgard is lucky to have you."

Guilt ridden over her outburst and already missing Loki, Astrid returned in the morning to find the note.

Frigga was preparing to join her belly dancing instructor when she barged into the foyer and flung herself at the Allmother.

"Bwaaahahaa! I want a divorce!"

"Hells bells and bilgesnipe testicles. What has my shameless son done this time?"

"Frigga, your language." Scolded Odin.

She patted Astrid's back. "Oh shush. As if your cursing hasn't scarred the servants ears."

[imoverit]

I just don’t know. I know I say that a lot but I just really don’t. Like I’m a very highly intelligent person and I’m very good at solving problems. Making something after more efficient. Like I can go into a business and within a month or 2 just totally change that place. Like from products from intake of like a grocery store to the customers cars I can make it so an employee won’t have to handle it more than he needs too. Move this there. Change this try that and before you know it your pumping out a million guitars a year when before me was 50-100k.

And I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!!!! I’ve gone over every scenario 1000 times each and then even started mixing scenarios together then adding new thoughts and Scientific physocology shit to it then adding reality shit to it then adding physically AND YES AND (as in more than 1,) practically IMPOSSIBLE FUCKING BULLSHIT to the mix and then before you know it I just wanna fucking blow my head off. Seriously. Honestly It’s too fucking much at times. But I’m not going too don’t worry. Ive injected myself several in fact dozens of times with a cocktail of drugs so powerful that DR Kovorkian coulda helped 7-8 people maybe more. I’d have to inject a whole morphine 200 just to get outta bed I’m the morning and I wasn’t even high yet. I had to mix large quantities. Half gram or more of dope at a time mixed with some pills to get high! Thank god I HONESTLY don’t miss that. I do however miss her. YOU. And I just don’t know what the hell is up. My woman the woman who she was before I met her would have no problem telling me what’s up with the last 3mths In person. She wouldn’t. Even if she fucking wanted my ass deader than a shit and she was fuCali nag pissed or even if she was hurt emotionally by something I did or said (before the blow up. That don’t count cuz she didn’t tell me the TRUTH!!! My WOMAN would sit me down tell me the TRUTH and then kick my fucking ass and kill me but SHE WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING ME THE TRUTH...... IN PERSON. So some things up. I hear It her voice. It sounds painful whatever it is. And before I blew up when we was “good” and we’re still single but she writes the legit I love you msg and ONE DAY AT A TIME. Then over next couple weeks. I get honest love yous and miss yous and even when we talked on the phone that was my woman. If she was happy sad angry whatever that was my woman. Then even may 4th I think. Super flower moon day I heard it in her voice. The IM IN LOVE WITH YOU BUT I HAVE TO PUSH YOU AWAY self sabotage of a meaningful relationship cuz what I’m better off. Cuz it’s all minor stupid spiraled outta control bullshit and now resentments are forming. The kind that NEVER GO AWAY. And I don’t want that. But she won’t talk to me. At all. It’s out of character for MY WOMAN!! Like even if she wasn’t in love with me and I knew her I would be able to tell somethings up from her tone last night.

It was just pain full to hear. Like she still has something aching to get out and be said. I just don’t know if it’s good for me or bad for me. I feel it’s bad. I feel that she has marked me for life as one of her abusers. Somethings wrong that she won’t fucking tell me. Cuz that’s not my woman. That’s not the woman who I sat next to for 7 years. Yeah babe 7 years. Yeah babe I’m calling you babe cuz that will always be your name to me!! And I just feel like she feels ashamed and emabareassed for her actions when she is having a PTSD moment and most of the time she blacks out and don’t remember half the stuff that was said. And that scares me. So angry that you black out. I would never hurt her. NEVER EVER EVER WOULD I DO ANYTHING EVEN ROTELY CLOSE TO WHAT THEM MONSTERS HAVE DONE TO YOU!!!! Mean words yes I am fucking guilty. A phone or laundry basket thrown in your direction with no intent to harm you physically, yes I’m f ifking guiltynof that too I’m guilty. But I would never ever do anything worse than what’s already been done. (Fist hole In a cheap closet door, guilty) but I’d never and I KNOW YOU HONESTLY KNOW THAT. I SAVED YOU BABY. I WAS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED ME THE MOST!!! Actions. Forget about other girls who I never was anything more than basic non sexual friends with. I said something nice about her hair. Well if I remember correctly that’s as during the time I me Patrick left but you BABE didn’t tell me before I walked out door that you were on the ledge of a bridge deciding if you wanted to jump or not. Which I’m so glad you didn’t but if you would of told me that day of 356 bridge NONE OF THIS WOULDA HAPPENED. Neither would of dec 28th and for that. I think you feel guilty and ashamed prolly disgusting(cuz I do for my actions so that’s why I said you prolly feel) scared and embarrassed for yourself and yur actions cuz that’s how I feel about myself. I’m mostly ashamed and embarrassed of myself but I feel angry the most and that’s why I can’t talk wirhour getting passionate”. Angry at myself. I’m not even made at you. I’m angry at myself. And then in turn get angry at you for something stupid and then it blows up into big time madness all cuz I’m ashamed of myself and I’m angry with myself. If I hadn’t snuck around and used drugs with chad. Which was only drugs never anything sexual with anybody!!!!! And you know what I feel the same way. I’m ashamed of myself. To the point I wanna die. I’m embarrassed and angry and I feel so disgusting and gross since you couldn’t even let me hold you when you cut your wrist. I tried to get you but you didn’t want me too touch you. So no didn’t. I’m so sorry baby. I shoulda took the chance of you calling cops on me for assault or something. But at same time I respect you so you said don’t touch I didn’t touch. When you tell me to not touch you for a year even after we got thru her not working correctly after surgery. Remember what I said. I’ll try everyday 100 times a day for years if needed until you can cum all over him or my face.

And I just know we don’t end like this. We don’t end like this. Your the most amazing woman I ever met. Beautiful. Your not beautiful. Beautiful don’t even come fucking close to describing who/what you are!!!! Brave. Strong super sexy wardawg who despite EVERTHING (everything you’ve said/done, I’ve said/done) despite EVERYTHING baby you STILL drive me wild like the first time we met each other. Your real true beauty makes my dick hard just thinking about you. Right now. He 😘🤪👃👅🖖👐(full body erotic message hands) your the strongest most courageous woman I’ve EVER MET like you didn’t even go I my o much detail about shit everytime you’d open up you got more beautiful. Then when you started telling me bout yur monster cousins you got more beautiful and you didn’t even go into detail of the events (like you actually should do to help HEAL. It works trust me KERR FAMILY. I carried a lot of shit after that. Loading a whole family that died together in a forerunner crash into the coroners van. 4 people. Mom. 3 kids 16-6 or 7 years old. And our relationship now. The current state were in right now just ripped my family away and I’m in need of my best friend my lover back!!! I really am. I just miss you so much. I’ll cry for an hour straight. Seriously. Sometimes 2 and then stop try to do something but WVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU. I watched a video on donutboperator of a kid who was yelling at the cop to just kill him bro please. And I freaking cried like a baby all night. Ended up texting you and then you called and I got to hear your voice but then I hurt even more cuz you didn’t even sound like you. That wasn’t you. It just wasn’t you. Even if you hate me and actually never wanted to see me again m, you would sound like you. And you just didn’t. Remember on the phone. I got the text too to prove it. “Yur voice was different. Everything was different”. In a good way. She got tingly from what you said!! Yeah I bd isn’t hear that in you. Like even when we were together and we were Mia communicating and someone called or you had to deal with a person. You sounded like BABE. Even when we weee fighting on the phone BOTH getting mean and ignorant to each other. You still sounded like you. But last night. You didn’t. Even from the very first words of, what do you want?? It just didn’t sound like Ashley. If I was blind and you walked into the room and talked I wouldn’t of known who it was. Just please talk to me baby!!! We should be spending this beautiful summer watching stars here at dads or kennerdale. Yes kennerdale. I was waiting for better weather to go star gazing there with you and hold you tight then feb 2nd came and I thought for sure you was gonna come see me. At least once. And I won’t lie. You hurt me feelings with the whole weed issue april 22nd. Like you text before we even talked. Look at menu your only one who’s appreciate it then we started talking and I thought it was going good. If you were only talking to me my babe was back then somewhere around your script issue something noticeably changed. You began getting short with me. You wouldn’t text for a few days and I can almost pin point the exact like 2 week span. So please baby. If youve heard any thing that I’ve said here. And if you truly deep down inside feel any bit of the same way I do. Just please come talk to me. I’d like it to be without you having a BF so I can hug you. I just want a hug. I wasn’t able to that night or since or even before and I just my my woman back. Your world didn’t end the day I moved out!!! It just began. Use this lil vacation to get yourself right. Don’t worry about a relationship. And if yo u need the services of a man that’s what I’m here for. If we’re working on ourselves and each other with that promise to each other like I mentioned last year. Your strong independent woman who don’t need a man. So I don’t see why you jumped straight into a relationship while you still have/had at time may 4th, feelings for me. Cuz that wasn’t how somebody who don’t love a person no more, breaks up width.

You don’t basically tell me please don’t blow up and end it bad I’m case I wake up I’m a year well 2 to be “specific” and realize that it was ALWAYS me. The fact that you even said that was a red flag. Shoulda been a red flag to yurself that you were self sabatoging our relationship. I don’t care if you slept with 50 guys the last 3-4 mths. I bd not want details unless there is no chance of us getting back together EVER and then I need to know when you started talking to mike is it? Cuz if it was after our phone call March 24th then he’s a POS I know you talked about our relationship and I have a feeling he said one of those predator lines. He don’t deserve you. You are beautiful. But what you didn’t tell him is that you didn’t want me telling you you were beautiful cuz you thought I only said it cuz I was on drugs which wasn’t the case. It intensified the true feelings. And I just feel something like that happened and then that one day round April 13th is give or take a week something happened. Maybe a one night stand. Kool no problem but then guilt and shame and embarrassment comes into play and then you text me like you was trying to tell me something and then it don’t matter anyways. My life was over day you moved out shit down and then you ignored me so you didn’t have to tell me. I feel 2 ways bout it. Either it was one night stand and you felt emabareassed bout it which you shouldn’t. Your human or he did take advantage of a woman who’s a month out of a 7 year rocky relationship but r the he reason it was rocky is because both people were fighting for what they love/loved. Me/you as of now. And we just don’t end like this babe. We don’t. Are you ok with us ending like this??? I mean how we ever gonna be able to even try to become friends again if one of us has a significant other. It’s like mike and (I don’t have nobody but you so we’ll say Suzie) Mike and suzie gonna be ok with us going to hang out or going to concert or what?? Double dating??? I just can’t see ya ever talking to each other again unless we’re in a committed relationship to each other. I just don’t know. I need to jamb. I’m really missing you hard core right now. I feel like you actually did die cuz I’m never gonna see you again

Remember how I always say somethings in the woods here. I feel like a raptor or some shot is stalking so Last night I was jambin in drive way and I bent down BYU turn the mids up a lil but and when I bent back up there was a coyote running towards me from the flower bed closest to driveway I yelled AAHHHH and went to swing my guitar like a bat and it like turned in mid full sprint slid its nails across blacktop I could hear them sliding trying to grip traction and then he took off towards the Lane sign. I fucking had prolly a #50-60 pound coyote almost attack me. I just heard them down on the bank just behind the light line.