#also you owe me money you cowardly bitch!

[elentiyawhitethorn]

Sneaking Around | Chapter Fourteen

The whole room went silent. Until Rowan hissed, “Manon, how could you?”

Aelin was torn between hugging him and punching him. She settled for a punch.

“Ow.”

“Don’t ‘ow’ me.” Aelin was in a rage. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? And why couldn’t you ask me out three fucking years ago? We were never friends, it’s not like you could have messed anything up. Shit, I’m dating a godsdamn wimp. I knew it!”

Lysandra giggled. “Even I didn’t see this coming. Plot twist!”

Aedion had gone into an even further state of shock and was opening his mouth but no words were coming out.

“You’re coming with me,” Aelin nearly shouted, then grabbed Rowan’s arm once again and dragged him out of the room and into the hall bathroom, slamming the door behind them.

Rowan looked like a cornered animal. “I was going to tell you, it just never came up.”

“Mmhmm, sure you were.” Aelin was not buying it.

Rowan sighed. “I just felt a little... guilty.”

“Need I ask why?”

“It’s just, I kind of took advantage of you that night at the bar. Well, sort of. I mean, yeah, I was drunk, but I was in love with you and you weren’t and I lost my self-control and felt you up and shit happened and I knew better.” Rowan looked rather pathetic.

“Ro, maybe you should have told me first, but as you said, you were drunk. I’m not angry.”

“Then why were you shouting?”

Aelin smiled. “I’m not angry you hooked up with me, but I am enraged that you are such a fucking chicken. Don’t think I haven’t been noticing that recently, and then this? Don’t even get me started.”

Rowan leveled a glare at her. “You’re still a bitch.”

“A bitch that you love, apparently.”

Rowan smiled and traced his thumb over Aelin’s jaw. “I do.”

“Say it,” Aelin demanded.

“I love you.”

She smirked. “I am irresistible, aren’t I?”

“Way to ruin the moment,” Rowan muttered.

“I love you too.”

Rowan blinked. “Wait, you do?”

Aelin grinned. “I do. I came about that realization recently, and I’m telling you now because I am not a damned wuss. And my bravery better start rubbing off on you, or I might have to dump you.”

“I’d hardly call it bravery. I said it first.”

“No, Manon said it first.”

They both snorted. Aelin tilted her head up. She gently pressed a kiss to Rowan’s lips. He pulled her in for another, more desperate kiss, his tongue parting her lips.

“You better not be making out in there!” Lysandra’s voice drifted down the hallway.

“Wouldn’t dream of it!” Aelin yelled back. Rowan chuckled. She turned back to him. “Later, you are going to thoroughly make it up to me for being such a cowardly swine. Preferably with your tongue. Now, though, we are going to go back out there and have a good time.” With that, Aelin opened the bathroom door and barged out, Rowan behind her.

“Everything sorted?” Lysandra asked devilishly.

Aelin rolled her eyes. “You are such a busybody. Yes, but we are not going to talk about that. We are going to discuss the fact that you stalked us? I mean, seriously?”

Lys grinned. “Elide came with me.”

Everyone gasped. “She wouldn’t,” Manon said in disbelief. She had always had a soft spot for El.

Lysandra smirked and said, “She would and did. We went to your apartment,” she looked at Aelin here, “and waited until you came back, then followed you to Rowan’s. It was exhilarating.”

“Honestly, I wish it had been someone else. I want to go on a stakeout.” Aelin frowned.

Aedion sighed. “Of course you do.”

Lysandra smiled viciously. “And since Rowan came to my first let’s-find-out-who-Aelin’s-screwing meeting, we told the others as payback.”

“Ah, yes, you mentioned. I kind of hate you,” Aelin said.

“Ditto,” Lys said with a grin. “Vaughan was already gone, though. I need to call him.”

“Is that really necessary right now?” Rowan asked in exasperation.

“I made promises.” She dialed, and the others all sighed.

“Hey, Vaughan. Guess who the dude is?” A muffled voice from the other end, and then, “It’s Rowan.”

The answer was loud enough that Aelin could hear Vaughan shouting, “What?!”

“Yep,” said Lysandra. “We’re having a party now. Toodles.” She hung up without waiting for a response.

“Delicate as always,” Manon muttered.

“I said I’d tell him, I didn’t say I’d spend the entire night chatting with him instead of getting drunk. Speaking of which...” Lys drained her beer can. Manon snorted.

Aelin grinned and grabbed a can for herself. She sat down where she had been a few minutes ago, and Rowan joined her with a beer of his own.

“Are we going to talk about the fact that only two of the five people here have dates?” Aelin asked. “We used to be so desired.” She sighed dramatically.

Manon spoke up. “I prefer relationships that don’t extend to going to intimate gatherings together. You two have no excuse.” She looked pointedly at Aedion and Lysandra.

“Yes, you’re both so sauve; why couldn’t either of you get a date?” Aelin pryingly asked. Everyone knew it was because they wanted to be with each other. Everyone except for them. Idiots.

Lysandra frowned. “You’re so judgy. What’s wrong with wanting to spend quality time with my friends?”

“Yeah,” Aedion cut in. “We don’t need to date to be happy.”

Aelin raised an eyebrow. Rowan chuckled.

“I meant... I didn’t mean date each other.” Aedion’s face had reddened. “Obviously.” Lysandra was blushing as well.

Manon snorted. “You’re both so dumb.”

“Agreed,” Aelin said.

Rowan snorted. “You two should mind your own business. You’re vicious.”

Aelin frowned. “Don’t defend their cowardice just because you have no backbone either.”

Lysandra was scowling. “What do you even mean, we’re dumb?”

Manon and Aelin rolled their eyes. “Nothing, darlings. Sorry to offend,” Manon said.

Aelin giggled.

-

Many beers later, they were all thoroughly wasted. Aedion and Lysandra had lost their fears along with their sobriety and were standing in the corner shamelessly flirting. No doubt they would both wake up the next morning and conclude the other was only flirting back because they were drunk and it didn’t mean anything. Aelin really tired of their stupidity.

“Hey Aed,” she called. He looked over and Aelin continued. “I’ll pay you twenty bucks to kiss Lysandra.”

Manon cackled. “Clever.”

Rowan just sighed. “Must you meddle?” Aelin didn’t dignify this with a response.

Aedion looked confused. “You mean like a bet?” He was really out of it.

“Yes,” Aelin replied. “I bet you to kiss Lys.” She was also too drunk to understand that made no sense.

Lysandra batted her eyelashes and twirled a piece of hair in her fingers. She leaned forward and placed a hand on Aedion’s chest. “I think you should do it. You know, for the money.”

Aelin chuckled, sober enough to understand this was funny, but no so much that she knew why.

Aedion frowned. “Just for the money. Not because I love you. Which I do. I mean, don’t.” With that, he leaned forward and kissed her. Lysandra’s hands went to run through his hair and Aedion’s went to her hips, then roved over her body.

Manon wolf-whistled. “Finally. Now all we have to do is make sure they don’t think it was only drunken stupidity on the other’s part and pretend it didn’t happen. Damn, it really is hard to deal with all this bullshit.”

“You got that right, Man. You know who didn’t ask me out for three years? Three fucking years? Him!” Aelin jabbed her finger into Rowan’s chest.

Rowan scowled. “Why do I love you?”

“That’s the question of life, boy,” Manon answered.

“Excuse me, no,” Aelin intervened. “Everybody fucking loves me because I am fucking awesome. And fucking lovable and funny and smart and shit. And hot as fuck.”

Manon snorted and Rowan sighed. “I want to be in your pants right now so bad.”

“I’m wearing a dress, darlin’.”

Manon scowled. “Ew, get a room.”

“Lighten up, Man.” Aelin giggled. “At least we’re not making out in front of everybody.” She glanced over and Lys and Aedion, who were indeed still kissing.

Manon looked too and frowned. “Gods spare me.”

Aelin picked up a pillow off the sofa and threw it at the couple. Or attempted to, at least. In her drunken stupor it landed nowhere near them. “Get a room, Manon says!” Aelin yelled.

“I said that to you, actually.”

“Hush Man. Lysie can you hear me! I said shoo!”

Aedion just pulled Lysandra towards the hallway without breaking the kiss. Towards his bedroom. Gross. Aelin said as much. “So not what I meant.”

Rowan coughed. “Perhaps we don’t want to be here anymore?”

Manon snorted. “Definitely not. This party is officially over.”

No one was in any state to drive, so Aelin and Rowan made sure Manon made it safely in the taxi she called, then they headed back to Aelin’s on foot. It was closer and Ansel would still be on holiday for another week.

They finally made to the apartment. Other than a near run-in with a stop sign (Aelin, of course), there were no incidents.

She hadn’t brought her keys, and had to dig through the flowerpot to find the spare. Thank the gods it was actually there. Aelin remembered the time Ansel had taken it out the morning after hooking up with Rowan, and Ansel wasn’t there to let her in now. Thinking back on that day, it felt so long ago. Gods, who would have ever thought she’d be in love with Rowan Whitethorn?

“Hey, dude,” Aelin slurred. “I remember something about an apology? With your tongue? So lick me please.”

Rowan chuckled. “Lick me? Very smooth, Aelin.”

“Yep. That’s me. Smooth as butter.” Aelin tripped over the rug and Rowan just barely caught her in time. How she’d tripped, she didn’t know. Aelin hadn’t been walking. At least she didn’t think she had. I think I’m a little drunk, Aelin thought fuzzily.

Rowan smirked at her. “Right, okay.” He tried to get her back properly on her feet, but he was hardly strong enough to hold himself up, let alone Aelin.

She stumbled towards her bedroom. “Come on, Romeo. Make love to me.”

Rowan followed, chuckling. By the time he made it to her room, Aelin was sound asleep, as if she’d collapsed immediately after reaching the bed. Rowan only had the strength to lie down beside her.

-

Aelin stretched over, looking at her alarm clock first. Half past noon. She turned over to find Rowan beside her, his hand on her back, neither one of them under the covers.

Aelin brought her hands up to her head to massage her temples. Damned hangover.

Then she looked over for her phone to check her messages. Not on the nightstand. Of course it wasn’t; they had just gotten here. Left at Rowan’s? Yes, that was it, she hadn’t brought it to the party. And shit, she needed it. Vaughan was probably texting her after Lysandra’s abrupt announcement last night. And Lys! She had certainly looked as if she was going to be waking up in Aedion’s bed.

Now Aelin needed her phone, if only to bother her friends. A woman on a mission, Aelin ignored the ponding in her head and got off the bed, intent on... walking to Rowan’s (their cars were both there) just to get her phone? Okay, maybe later. She settled for the bathroom instead.

“Aelin?” a voice called out.

“I’m here, dear, don’t get your panties in a twist.”

A snort came from the bedroom Aelin walked back to. “We fell asleep before I could have my way with you,” Rowan said as Aelin climbed back on the bed.

“‘Fraid so. You’re just going to have to pleasure me extra now.” Aelin smirked as Rowan gave a feral grin in response to her request.

“That can be arranged.” Rowan grabbed Aelin around the waist and pulled her underneath himself, smirking at her squeal.

He leaned down for a kiss that had Aelin’s back arching with the desperation in it. “More, Ro,” she panted when they finally broke apart.

He smiled. “As my queen wishes.” His hands drifted down and pulled Aelin’s dress up to her waist. He slid down so that his mouth was positioned over Aelin’s panties and licked a long, teasing stroke up the fabric.

Her hips bucked. “Please,” Aelin whimpered.

Rowan smirked. “Since you asked so nicely.” He hooked a finger in either side and pulled her underwear down her legs.

And then his mouth, his tongue, as promised, was on Aelin’s center. On the aching ball of flesh she desperately needed him.

Aelin let out a low moan. “I love you, I love you so much.”

Rowan paused the movements of his tongue. “I love you too.”

“Show me how much you love me.”

And he did.

[mundungs]

ϟ.  → robert sheehan : genderfluid : he/they/she : dealer of illicit objects and substances : the raven by the alan parsons project ϟ  did you see mundungus fletcher ? you know ,  31 year old halfblood who was formally in ravenclaw. some say dung can be quite furtive but are known to be unreliable. they are aligned with the order .  maybe that’s why they remind me of naming stray cats, flicking a lighter over and over again, falling asleep on the subway. ϟ 

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ciannán o’donnell is a flighty man, one of many relationships and flings and little loyalty, and so his affair with maeve fletcher does not last long. when she tells him she is pregnant, he moves on to a different woman, and maeve has her son alone, with her sister on her side. and thus, mundungus is born (and giving an arguably atrocious name).

he grows up with his mum – a halfblooded witch and by far his favourite person in the world – in limerick, attending muggle school there. he knew who his dad was, but wasn’t quite sure how to feel about — his father is a criminal, a prominent member of the irish mob. 

he meets his dad for the first time at age seven, and was nothing but impressed. his dad showered him with gifts, his mum watching with a furious look on her face but biting her tongue. that moment was a switch for mundungus; he felt the need to impress his dad. he stole some sweets from a store on his way home from school a week later, fished some pennies out of the pockets of his classmates a few months later. when he phoned his dad to tell him, his laugh was warm and filled with life. his relationship with his dad got better as his behaviour got worse. the thrill of stealing, of doing stuff he wasn’t supposed to, lit him not only on fire because it was exciting, but also because he knew his dad would adore it. 

but ciannan, a flighty man, pushes and pulls. and so mundungus was fed disappointment by his father, liking love off a shiny knife rather than a spoon ( silver or plastic, what the fuck does it matter ). details omitted, long story made short: his dad sucks and his mother tries, but mundungus is pulled towards that what smells of danger.

DRUGS MENT. at hogwarts, dung is sorted into ravenclaw. not at all the booksmart type, he falls more into the chaotic-creativity, random-bursts-of-wanting-to-learn-everything-about-something type of ravenclaw. there’s two worlds, then: the muggle world, where he slowly dips his water further in criminal waters, and the wizarding one, where he’s chaotic and messy but a student. when he grows older, these overlap: dung starts selling some of his dad’s weed at hogwarts, and soon gains a reputation of being able to get people less-than-legal shit. 

not getting high off your own supply is not a sentiment he agrees with. not then, not later, not now. dung is fun, always in for a party and willing to supply the goods to throw it. if some rich purebloods lose a few galleons at said party, well, it sure isn’t him! END OF TW

he graduates with two newts, in herbology and potions, failing his dada and charms exams. he’s not an academic.

falling into the family business after graduation is easy. mundungus is attracted by the criminal underworld, both that of muggle ireland and that of the wizarding world. knockturn alley was a place frequented in teenage years, but now becomes more his place. he makes connections, exchanges strange potion recipes for other things. makes an odd wager on a bunch of stolen brass scales and turns a profit. 

a career is not something that interests him; he is more interested in bending rules and making quick money. thievery, selling illegal shit, heists, fraud, fuck-all. mundungus is not limited by one descriptor, one kind of criminality. he just does what he wants and hopes to make a good penny.

but then he almost gets sent to azkaban over some, in his frank opinion, bullshit. it’s dumbledore who talks the wizengamot out of it, saddling dung up with some community service and persuading him towards the order. he’s twenty three. the war is still fresh. he has no interest in it, but he owes the old man. fine.

mundungus does vehemently oppose blood purity and any kind of discriminatory ideals, an anarchist in his very bones, but he is also cowardly. to side with self-proclaimed rebels is not in his blood and yet it’s where he ends up, bringing shady ties to the underworld to the table and a sheer ability to sneak around and fuck the law. and maybe, amidst the ranks of the order, dung finds something he’s not very familiar with: a large family. and dung? well, he’s the stoner, gay, super-fucking-chaotic cousin.

personality

if jesper fahey and kaz brekker had a child, it would be dung. 

other character parallels: fezco ( euphoria ), boris ( the goldfinch ), doug judy ( b99 ), jason mendoza ( the good place ), chris miles ( skins ),  nick miller ( new girl ), creed bratton ( the office ), scott lang ( marvel ), lillian ( unbreakable kimmy schmidt )

technically he’s homeless. he’s got a bedroom at his ma’s place, has a ton of squatter connects in the muggle scene and couch surfes aplenty, but dung doesn’t rent a place. why? landlords are evil. he could afford a place, just doesn’t see the point. life’s better with some adventure.

appears very neutral in public as it’s beneficial to his role in the order??? 

.... tortured artist. writes poetry and loves to draw and paint. 

tattooed the fuck up. some are his own designs.

can usually be spotted wearing The Coat, a rly expensive, vintage long coat that he once stole of a pureblood. he’s enlarged the pockets with some handy spellwork and pretty much carries everything he owes in there, like his produce and his money and his second pair of shoes and his art supplies and probably some random trash. 

loves animals. he loves stray cats especially <3 they are his kin. 

an anarchist. a bit of a punk. a deep idealist with a cowardly heart so constantly betraying himself (and sometimes others?)

queer! enby! genderfluid! i used he/him pronouns throughout this intro but dung truly doesn’t give a damn what u use. loves to dress up in feminine clothes. 

has a ton of aliases, lol, the most important one being marigold fincher. 

cusses too fuckin much to be healthy :/

oh no he is a big sad insecure kid deep inside :/ dont tell anyone how embarrassing!!!! shhhh!! it’s a secret.

quick connection ideas

victim. wow please. if your character is rich. let me steal from u. pick ur pockets. break into ur house. get some of ur stuff and drop it on the black market. 

customer. dung sells. whatever u need. drugs. weird magical things. ask and ye shall receive. his prices are whack but he does deliver <3

pal. party friends! order friends! random encounter friends! dung has a trashmouth and loves to talk pls let him chat u up and u will never be rid of him <3

couch. he couch surfs. a lot. if ur character trusts dung enough to let him into their home (which they shouldnt) then pls let him sleep over for a night. he will leave a strangely expensive necklace on ur kitchen table as a thank u. or wilted flowers. no in between.

skeptic. ur char is in the order and thinks dung is a liability and maybe they have a point. a point mundungus would rather not face :)

dmle bitches. dung hates anyone authoritative but esp the coppers at the ministry (hit wix & aurors) (yea he calls them coppers sorry he doesnt respect them enough to call them aurors <3). give me that doug judy/jake peralta dynamic. or just someone in the dmle who is like ... sigh this guy again??? 

fwb/one night stand/fling/etc. he’s a bit slutty <333 give him some ppl he’s hooked up with / will hook up with.

[xoxo-shelly-xoxo]

Verantwortungsgefühl, die Tragende Säule der Freiheit

The problem is, we have collectively given our power away in all areas of our lives. For instance: we are not taking responsibility for our health when we let a doctor make decisions for us, when we pop in pills instead of taking care of our health by having a healthy diet and life style. We give our power to psychologists and take mind-altering drugs because we are too cowardly to experience the fullness of human emotions, which also includes grief and sadness, as well as joy and bliss. We give power to teachers who teach us history that has intentionally been rewritten to dumb us down and we don't take responsibility to educate ourselves and search for the amazing truth about ourselves and our relationship to the universe, nor do we make an effort to find out the truth about the real cause of the problems in the world, the truth that will set us free! We let governments take away our freedom and human rights while sitting in front of the telly watching celebrity gossip or soccer, then bitch about it how bad the world is and groan when taxes are raised again. And the list goes on endlessly. So what to do?

The solution is to take the power back from all these authorities, from the government, from school and teachers, from the doctors. You can learn how to take power back by Online Tuition. Once you have taken your power back it is time to begin your search for the real truth, the one you won't find in the media. Why? Lies are a way of disempowerment, of controlling and manipulating people. When you are being lied to you make decisions based on false information, which basically means you lose your free will. dumb people who are in fear and panic are easy to be controlled. That is why you have been lied to by authorities. When you lose your power you become unable to create your own reality and the life you want. So take your power back and find out the truth! You owe it to yourself, to the human race and to Mother Earth. If you want to be a human being, not a robot, not a mindless zombie, not just a cog in the system (as many people are now becoming), then you must take full responsibility for yourself, for all your thoughts, actions and emotions, as well as for our planet Earth, that we are stewards of, not masters over!

Responsibility is not a popular word these days. People associate it with unpleasant tasks and burdens. They think it means slaving in the office and paying their taxes. Nothing is further from the truth. You are only responsible to Spirit, God, if you want to call it that, to your own inner self which is one with all life! You did not incarnate here to slave, to make money for corporations, you came here to play, to love and grow, to more fully and joyfully express your divinity. And the pain you feel in yourself, in your life, is the pain of having lost your way, of having been dragged off your path, of having lost your spiritual connection through systematic brainwash and manipulation. It is the pain of not living in truth.

When you understand this and the implications it has, it will set you free forever! In truth, responsibility is the foundation of freedom, and the foundation of being truly human! If we all take responsibility there will be no more slavery, Life will become a joyous playful expression of our highest potential, a dance with nature and All-That-Is. There will be no more poverty and no more slavery, as all are honoured and everything is embraced. It will set you free! I intend to write a longer article on this topic, but for now let me sum up the most important aspects of responsibility:

1. The Mental Radio

Every thought you are thinking has an effect on every other living being on the planet. Negative thoughts of fear, violence and hatred will pollute the Earth's energy field and can create disasters and "natural" catastrophes. Yogis have long known that thoughts are powerful energies. So be aware what you are broadcasting on your mental radio: chaos and despair, or love and kindness? You choose!

2. Emotions: Forces of Magickal Creation

Your emotions are powerful forces of creation. Emotion is the fuel for magick spells. The powers that be know that and do their utmost to keep us emotionally imbalanced with media hype, fears of disease, terrorism etc. If your emotions are constantly out of whack you are contributing to the negativity, chaos and violence in this world - the very things that feed those forces of evil! On the other hand, if you repress your emotions they will only be pushed into the collective unconscious which has become an enormous cesspit due to people denying their "dark side" or shadow. Therefore it is paramount that you strive to integrate your shadow and embrace all your emotions, even anger, which by the way can be a positive force! Anger can serve to take your power back, it can spur you into action instead of slouching on your couch while the world is being destroyed. Again, I must cut this topic short, but I hope to later write a longer article on the power of emotions.

3. You are responsible for your actions.

This part I am sure needs no explanation, you know it yourself already. The only advice I give here is this: stop blaming others, or your bad childhood, etc. Nobody can make you do anything, you have freedom of choice! You are also responsible for your lack of action! And sometimes this can give you even worse karma than taking wrong action. If a crime is committed and you look the other way, instead of trying to prevent it, you become guilty as well. So look at your actions, and your non-actions as well!

4. Taking responsibility for your reality.

If there are certain problems popping up again and again in your life, then there is an underlying pattern. Instead of blaming fate and chance or whatever, you have to look for the causes within yourself. If you are surrounded by angry people for example, maybe you are in denial of your own anger. Soul searching is needed and shadow work, then the pattern will change. You are indeed the creator of your own reality. If what you create is not to your liking you may have to weed some of your beliefs and issues.

Begin doing this by applying a few very simple principles to your life and your actions:

1. Everything on the outside is a reflection of what is going on inside of you.

2. Everything is one. (Everything is part of one consciousness)

3. As above so below, as within so without. (Reality is fractal)

4. Everything is energy.

Meditate on this and apply it to your life and soon you will begin to understand the true nature of reality, and begin to transform yourself and your life. Whenever you see something you don't like in others, change it within yourself!

5. Responsibility for Planet Earth

All is one. We are one with the Earth, virtually, not just talking New Age jargon. Really try to feel what this means: "all is one." The Earth is the home for all life on this planet. She is a living being. She nourishes us. Do not stand idly by while she is being abused. When our leaders abuse the Earth we must stop them. We must hold them accountable. This is our responsibility as human beings, as inhabitants of Planet Earth. It is also logical. For when the Earth is destroyed where will you go? Where will your children live? What karma will you reap for sticking your head in the sand while crimes against the planet and all life are being committed?

Begin your journey home by reconnecting to Mother Earth. Start by going out alone in nature and leave your cellphone at home (negative vibes and electro-smog even when switched off!). Sit quietly and listen to the heartbeat of the Mother. And speak to Mother Earth, ask her how she is, what you can do for her. When you truly open your heart you will feel her pain, her pollution, her anger at the desecration. It may be quite overwhelming at first, but allow yourself to feel it anyway. Remember, to become whole all things must be embraced. When you open yourself fully you will begin to understand: like you the Earth is tired, like you she is sick, she is not in balance. When Mother Earth is polluted and unhappy we become toxic and depressed too.

But then feel the positive too. Feel the Earth's love for you and all life, feel the goodness, the divine energy. Feel the strength of Mother Earth. Allow it to flow into you and be renewed. Having a relationship with Mother Earth is a two way thing. It is not just about taking, we must give in exchange also. Having felt the Earth's need and her suffering, will you not have the heart and the courage to do what is right by Mother Earth?

[hanzi83]

It’s been a while

I have not written a blog since the Trump presidency has begun, but if you follow me on social media, you know I have been active on there, periscope, and even Facebook live, spewing my conspiracy theories, ranting irrationally about my depression, while people sit idly by and pretend they actually care about other people’s mental illness, when these industry types who preach about people getting help etc sit back and watch others break down for their own amusement. If these people actually gave a fuck about mental illness, maybe start with the vultures who run your industry who help perpetuate this type of behavior and have rewarded it and in the process dumbed down an entire generation.

I don’t want to get into it in detail because I am unsure if this blog will even post. I tried to write one on New Years because again I am left alone while local people I know have been rewarded from my misery and then pretend they actually give a fuck about me, when they love taking from me and then pretending they care. Then they show up on my social media platforms under false names and start name dropping a bunch of personal things they know about me and I am stuck here useless which works to their advantage, because no one believes anything I say and even if they do, they know they can’t say a word so they play dumb about it.

I think these people want me to do something to myself so they have an excuse to take action against me. I am the victim of gang stalking because I chose to be open about how I don’t think the world is run the way it is, and now because of that, people in my life and other paid trolls have made it a mission to be transparent as fuck with what is going on and they will use my own mental illness against me.  They want to talk about how they care about me, but these cowards allow paid trolls to harass me constantly and try to bait me out and put out traps for me to fall into.

No one in the media will ever investigate this, and I am not the only one who is being gang stalked. I am not the only one who is being monitored constantly and seen as red flags. I don’t know what these people have in store for me. Even when I am writing on my lap top, in what is supposed to be my personal journal,  I know it is monitored heavily and they even move my cursor around while I am typing to make their presence known and wanting me to go crazy. The genius part about this is, no one will help, because everyone in this has been compromised.

These same people pretend they are nice family people, yet their marriages are only based off convenience because their expendable ass is only needed to have kids and then neglect them so they can watch me on my social media platforms, and if they are not doing that they are probably bombarding every hip hop site to promote their white supremacist talking points in the comment sections. These people to me are not randomly typing stuff on the internet, they are paid to do so.

They have limited me to my very core in hopes that I lose my mind and reach out for their help because they know I am supposed to be valuable to the game, yet they can’t feed me my ego yet so they want me to ask for their help so I owe them something, when they all owe me for making their lives better and my connection to the Stern Show has opened backdoor deals for all of these people to prosper. Whether its meeting celebrities, getting to contribute to movies/television,  having elaborate gatherings,  and then inviting me to the limited ones, because you can’t have me at your gathering unless you get some profit out of it. There is no other reason why these people give a fuck about me. When it comes to their agendas, they will take care of it first. No one in the media will ever investigate it because even the “good” alternate media is also controlled.  Stern can take the appropriate measures to fuck with me. By the way, these are just theories, I don’t have any proof and even if I did, it would not be allowed to be investigated because these people are all controlled and for some reason they have chosen me to fuck with and will continue to fuck with.

It is very scary what is going on. And it seems with Trump in office, even though I feel he doesn’t have the real power, the people who are controlling these situations have an excuse to fuck with people even more. I don’t know if this is on purpose,  so it becomes defeated, but someone doesn’t like that I pointed out Stern has connection to Trump, and even though he let it leak that he donated 1000 bucks to Hilary, it was meant, in my opinion, to be a distraction from the fact he donated to Trump, even as far as being shocked that he won and got upset at his staff for voting for him, and I wonder who is controlled staff takes orders from to vote for someone of Trump’s stature.

Now I am being watched and monitored constantly. I did this to myself, hoping that I could die someday but clearly these people don’t want me to leave, because it is a lot more fun to torture me mentally and emasculate for their own amusement because they hate that they are in fake marriages and have to have kids that they don’t want and then completely neglect them because they are in the closet. That’s fine, but when these cowardly types do that it’s for business purposes so they can spew racist propaganda. That’s why when someone of color says something slightly homophobic, they will generalize and say it is  a part of their community and culture, while a bunch of right wing type who are in the closet spew racist rhetoric and get away with it because people behind the scenes know they are gay, and yet you can’t make that accusation that there is a lot of racism in that community, because it would be wrong to generalize people like that, but these industry cowards get away with it and smile gleefully while  perpetuating and promoting we need more anti Muslim movies that exist

Nothing will ever stop. These people are committed to fully stalking anything I do online and organize paid harassment and these same industry cowards, who don’t make their money entertaining, it’s trolling online for side money, will ridicule people who need safe spaces, while they are the ones who need safe spaces because they would rather harass people online and not admit who they are because they have an image to stay true to. It’s fucking garbage. I fucking hate all these people who have been forced to do this and how they all take pleasure from it.

I despise that these do gooders in the industry will promote the suicide hotline after the fact that someone kills themselves, and pat themselves on the backs for it, when they could just speak out against the people who help cause this and when you point this out, they will act like someone such as myself has not taken accountability for it, while they refuse to take accountability for what they contribute to and how many lies they put out in this world and then play “I am just an entertainer” card and advocating free speech, all while ridiculing people mentally into silence.

I wish I could stay away but I never expected to be alive this long and the fact that I am, I am just filling up time. I don’t care who is getting married or who is having kids. I don’t want to be here for any of it because I don’t fit this mold that is expected of me in the world and instead of granting me my wish of letting me leave this world, they will make me stay and have to cry myself to sleep thinking about how much my own family and friends have done without me. And then I am the asshole because I want to express myself and then when I do, I will pay the price for it because that is what these people do to me. No one actually gives a fuck about me nor have they ever. People need me they said, and then leave it at those vague answers, while I think Stern and his posse organizing harassment online. Even with people seemingly believing me, it won’t do anything. No one wants to speak out about this and they will sit back and watch until something happens to me and then for their fucking fake internet points and likes, they will start showing some support or compassion. It is disgusting how selfish these pieces of shit are.

By the way they probably won’t let this one post. I remember I wrote 5-6 pages worth on New year where I wanted to bitch about people locally having such secrecy and transparency at the time and it was not allowed to post, but for some reason I was allowed to post one sentence about how my post won’t show up. I posted it 30 times and the original one did not post. So they are fucking with my speech and my movements.

People can only interact with me on fake accounts so they can tell me certain truths, name dropping food I have consumed that day to make it seem like they know, but then pretend they are nobody trolls who are just fans of mine. These people are not fans of mine. If they are, they are the worst fucking fans of existence. They will hype me up, while at the same time putting me down for even thinking I am worth more than what they present in the system. They all are now showing off their perks on their various radio shows and still have not even thanked me for contributing to it and helping it out, while they stole my ideas and my likeness.

As I type this right now, they will keep watching me and monitoring it. They will eventually have hold of my personal journal and leak it out and then blame me for writing personal stuff in there because that is what they do. They will find a way to fuck with me more. The sad part is these are people who I known since I was a little kid, and these people are also after me like no other. They won’t admit it, none of them will. They even say shit like “We can’t have you doing that, and ruin our lives” but they are okay with ruining my life and leaving me vulnerable for their own gain. It is sickening. I don’t want to be here and I wish at some point they can take me out of here and it feels like more and more they are planning my demise.

I have decided to see a therapist and even then that will be provided me by the same system that is fucking with me. They want someone to monitor what I will say so they can report it back and if I even tell them this, they will obviously deny it because officially these people can’t admit they are reporting this shit to people, but when gangstalking is involved, and you are on a monitored list, you can oversee anything and have a justified excuse to do it because to most common folk I am a danger to society, even though I am not a violent person, and I don’t have access to any weapons. I hope you people are happy with what you have accomplished in tearing another human being down  and then pretending you care about protecting people etc, all this while you make numerous people around the globe feel like they are the most mentally ill people in this world.  I would expect this blog to guilt some people, but most of them are soulless individuals and even if it affects them they will find ways to project it on to other people and make them suffer because their feelings are the ones who are fragile and can’t take any criticism because they are in the in crowd and then they show up as regular people in front of my face and act like they want to partner up for a podcast. I don’t have any interest in partnering up with any cowardly person who has harassed me online and posted lies about me online. They put out stuff like “Hanzi threatened Howard” knowing fully that I didn’t threaten anyone, but these buzzwords create a red flag and have people looking into me. That is what these other radio show hosts do as well, because most of these entertainers are working for people in these positions. This is all my opinion. Again I have no facts, and even if I did, none of you will care to believe me because none of you want to break the  system, you want it to keep flourishing with white supremacist talking points that is so embedded into the system, that’s why they fight hard for white supremacists freedom of speech, while minorities don’t even have free movement.

[thehobbblog]

Entry #25

It’s gotta be getting on a month right?

 Twenty five of these, generally I do them every night. Sometimes two in a day, but other times I forget to do them at all. Things got confusing in the halls, and I’m not good at math. I can’t even judge time by facial hair now that I’m cleaning up.

 It has to be about a month at this time. Shouldn’t I have seen something from my parents? An email asking how I am, or a Facebook post about a reward for finding me? Fuck, a news article that they died in a plane crashing coming to get me but something.

 Who am I kidding? We both know why Mom and Dad wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway. This extended vacation of mine is probably a relief to them, the longer the better. Who gives a shit?

This isn’t like me, I used to be the chill one. Voice of reason, very type B. Ending conflicts, mediating things. Not starting shit and passing judgment. Now I’m finding shit to be mad at, and I can’t tell you why. I’m just so irritable all the time.

 I don’t know what it is. Maybe this is just who Hobbs is when he stops getting his way. I like to think I’m not that type, but the evidence is stacking up against me. I don’t know how many more confrontations Weylinn and I have, before I finally break his nose. After that, I can’t be the good guy either. I’m just a bully who broke the Mage’s face because he’s too stupid to talk through a dispute.

 I could use “the excuse”. The same line every abusive parent, angry drunk and shitty boyfriend feeds to their loved ones. “No, it can’t be me. It’s not my fault. I’m a good guy, it’s just this shitty world.”

  I’m working really hard to be above “the excuse”.

 This is what I was ruminating on for most of the day. We made money giving the hammer to the blacksmith, and I spent my share getting my sword a bigger handle. It’s odd how mundane that sentence is, I almost forgot that I’m a fucking swordsman. People train years to do the shit I do, and I can see why, it’s really fun.

After getting it back, and practicing it’s not too much different. It takes a little more muscle to move around, but it hurts more. I’ll feel better if I can just make the bad guys hurt more.

In addition, Weylinn had time to tell us about what he wanted to do next. Stuart had time to practice intimidating the shellers. His choice of time wasting was more fun.

 Weylinn was trying very carefully to choose his words in such a way to get us to agree with something we obviously wouldn’t want to. He was talking about a “Lead” he had, where they would meet “Someone” in the direction of “Somewhere north”. Any attempt to get him to elaborate was met with very hostile demands of “What, do you have a better idea?”

The guy fancies himself a dark horse, but he’s a fucking idiot. You realize if you just told us “I want to go meet with someone shady in the desert, you want to come?” we probably would have agreed. We’re all for helping him do mage stuff, it keeps us alive. It’s like he’s going through extra effort to get us paranoid.

 He also told Geheim not to tell us anything. I don’t know that for a fact, but thanks to Anna I know the face Jules makes when she’s dieing to tell you something, and can’t. So yeah, I’m not happy with him. Whatever he’s doing, he should be honest about it. We’re supposed to be a team. The only reason he has to not tell us is if he thinks we’d get upset with him.

 If he’s hiding things out of fear, that means I might be getting to him. He’s still doing cowardly, probably terrible shit. But he’s understanding that there are consequences to his actions. Doesn’t seem to be helping, and I’m not sure it’s what I want. This team isn’t going to work if we all fear and distrust each other. I don’t know what to do about it.

 We get our things, and leave the Jewel again. The same heat, the same sweat, the same canteen and the same sand in my mouth. Maybe I’ll get used to this. Deserts were always cool, Lawrence of Arabia was a great movie. It’s fucking hot, but I don’t mind a little sweat. Stuart seems fine out here. It’s nice.

 We were marching for quite some time, and the night came. Just as the starflowers go over the horizon, you get a few hours of dim light. You can see without squinting, it’s not too hot. I like it, if not for the shifting shadows of possible dust things. It was about this time, where we were setting up camp. I don’t remember who saw him first, but we found the depressed Devily.

 He was just staring at something, and it was too dark to see what he was looking at. I start rushing to catch up with him. Say hi and all, and Weylinn stops me. He wants to check the area for traps and deception. I let him do his magic tricks, and he reconfirms that there’s nothing to worry about.

So with his permission to do exactly what we wanted to do earlier, we approach the Devily. Who starts reciting poetry. A lonely little thing, about traveling the desert. The narrator meets a beast, who greets him as a friend. The beast is eating his heart, and is oddly complacent about it. That’s more or less the poem.

 I thought I recognized it at the time, but I read so much poetry in school it was hard to remember. A quick Google search “Heat, bitter, eating poem.” and it confirms I’d read it before. Stephen Crane, an American realist wrote it ages ago. I’ll save you the lit-crit, but it’s a touching little thing. Either about how God sees man abusing their free will, or how the rational part of your brain confronts the rest of you or whatever else you put into it. I don’t know how the Devily got his hands on a relatively low-key American poet, but I like having other people down here that care for arts.

 The reason he was out doing poetry night in the middle of the fucking desert, was shivering in front of him. A Devily had burned, and laid amongst the wreckage of a raided caravan.

There’s no way of knowing who it is, or why it happened. Maybe the caravan’s owner had been raided and left for dead. Maybe a raider was ashamed of what they did to the caravan owner. Maybe some Devily ran away from all their responsibilities, and almost starved to death. Either way, it left a shivering, naked wretch crouched alone in the sand. Which is I guess what prompted the Devily to remember the verse.

 We talked about it for a while, what it meant to burn and what to do from here. Some of the group began searching for bits of mitral armour or a bow, but I’m fairly sure it couldn’t be Alice. If Alice was going to be consumed with her sins, it would have happened with the Butchery, or sacrificing Caramel’s dad or even just carrying around Violence. We might find her, insane and sinful. But her greatest flaw was not her conscience.

  Sorry I’m having a hard time staying on topic today. I’ve got my brain all scrambled.

 The Devily is deadpanning, as normal. Says he had been standing there, for quite some time. Just thinking of what to do with “her”. Leave her in the desert, to starve. Take her to the nearest town, to waste. Maybe just try to put her out of her misery so he can die doing something technically noble. I don’t know what his plan was.

 Living like that, it can’t be fun. Like, clearly they’re in pain. They have half a head and energy bursting out of satanic symbols burned in their skin. They’re stuck halfway between being a mindless beast and a living gravestone; because every time they are seen, people start theorizing. Oh, I wonder who that was. I wonder what they did. I wonder what they feel like. I wonder what happened to make them burn.

 They don’t have the sense to know they’re being treated like this. At least we think. They’re either reliving whatever made them burn, or just reacting on instinct. I dunno. Just looking at her makes me uncomfortable. Apparently, they do this when the sins of the world are just too much, and they can’t take it anymore. The Devily made it sound almost voluntary. Which makes him a bit of an oddity. If he’s depressed enough to kill himself, shouldn’t there be a similar thing? Maybe the reason he hasn’t killed himself is the same reason keeping him Devily. It’s hard to tell. Anyway, we just watched the thing for a while and the Devily asked us for our opinion. Immidiently fucking Anna turned the question around and asked him for his input. He did the sassing for me on that. We talked about the philosophy on it, and I gave the standard answer. “Life is always protected!” and all that. That’s what I’m supposed to say right? A Paladin—ex Paladin— who lost a loved one to suicide. I’m supposed to wage a war on the concept of depression or something.Star touring schools and talking about how therapy is the best. Fuck it. I don’t even know whose expectations I’m trying to live up anymore. I’m actually glad I’m keeping my own log, so I don’t have to rely on King telling my story. I am curious to what he’s saying. I wonder if I’m as much of a bitch in his story as I am in mine. I wonder if we’re going to see the Berry Golem, and I wonder what I can squeeze out of him in exchange for all the events that happen in his absence. He’s gonna want to see this. Anyway, eventually the Devily makes up his mind to guide the burnt one. He then asks to join us. Well of course he’s going to fucking join us. We’re down someone, we need the extra hands and we fucking owe it to this guy. You don’t get to have someone’s spouse killed and then deny them anything. Weylinn didn’t see it that way. He wasn’t sure if we could trust the Devily. The guy with nothing left to fight for, who cannot sin or deceive us. Weylinn thought he couldn’t trust him. Avram pointed out that he can’t be trusted because he looks like the devil, which is probably racist. Either way, Avram has a demon inside of him, so he’s not exactly in the best position to pass judgment. Anna agreed that we should take him on, and I’m glad I’m not the odd one out. I guilted Weylinn, because of the conversation we had earlier. Geheim promised to make sure he acts more nobly, so I dared him to go report to Geheim that he wanted to turn these two away. Over mistrust. Honestly, the only reason he has to slit our throats is pure spite for having his wife killed, and at that point we kind of deserve it. It’s decided he’d join us, myself and Anna taking the blame if he turns evil on us. He begins to order the burnt one around, and she followed them. I don’t know if all Devilys have this power, or just him. I do remember the Enforcer in the Daredevily settlement took care of burnt ones. They sit by the fire and had something to eat. I didn’t sit by the fire, I didn’t care to. I could see it from where I was sitting. I was happy on my dune, looking out over the sand. I’ve brought it up before, but I’m probably going to die here. I guess if I’m going to have a choice about it, I should get around to deciding how I want to go. Things would have been better, if I died a Paladin-in-training that everyone liked. Now if I die I’ll be a failed jerk, bulling everyone around and giving lectures. I don’t think I want to die fast, and I don’t think I was die easily. I wouldn’t mind dieing painfully if it meant doing something cool. So yeah, I cried a bit. I can claim sand got in my eye, or whatever. I just don’t understand what’s happening, or why any of it is happening. I’m being told on all sides what’s happening is out of my control and doesn’t matter. But then I get blamed personally for what happens, and the consequences are unbearable. I’m just trying to do good out here, but either I’m not a good person, or we’re all not good people. I have to double down on making everyone be better, but I have to do it without being a bully. I can’t stop the headache. I tried writing some songs down, but it didn’t help. This whole situation is pain. I gave up and started rummaging through my bag, and found the bunch of letters from Papa’s. They made me feel significantly better, and it’s hard to explain. Just comforting, you know? I miss him already. Stuart got too hungry to wait any longer, and got bored of intimidating the sun back over the horizon. So he came over to see me. He chirped, I chirped back and we chirped at each other until he got frustrated and tackled me. We both fell off the back of the dune, and tumbled into a pile on the other side. I tried to tickle him, he tried to slobber on me. My idiot bug and I have a great time. I hope I can go a while longer without seeing him bloodied. He’s too good for it. Edit: Addendum The night went absolutely horribly, by the way. A sandstorm moved in, and we had to bundle up very quickly. IN addition to normal sand problems, the sandstorm was full of dust ghosts, moaning and bumping into the caravan. Stuart and I bundled up in wool and sweat through the night, but we made it out. Nobody seemed to get infected, and now I’m even more pissed off about whatever Weylinn is bringing us out here for.

 In the morning, we didn’t speak much. Avram lost the fucking ring in the sandstorm, like an idiot. The Devily and the burnt one were kicking, and helped us set off. We move on.